#i could probably keep going for hours dude is basically trans

[asmo-cosmetics]

sorry i'm just thinking about how hilarious it is that the arcana, a game that is meant to be set in a universe free of transphobia, somehow accidentally created a character with all the hallmarks of a trans guy with eldest daughter syndrome (lucio morgasson)

[sugaroto]

Panelele* story time

*Panhellenic exams, aka will define whether I go into uni or not

Day 1: Essay, aka greek

Our theme was feminism and women's rights. I think i did ok? Tho I finished like an hour earlier and then started panicking cause I finished earlier and didn't dare to leave the classroom. I literally checked everything like 15 times and even counted my words on theme Γ and Δ (Γ =literature exercise, Δ=essay) and then I panicked again cause I was -20 words on the essay

A good thing is that the day before I was reading some old essays of mine and I happened to read one I had written about human rights (this was probably the best one I've ever written since I got 25/30) and I remembered 2 paragraphs I had about women and wrote everything on my essay, tho it was a little messier of course but at least I had the ideas ready?

One thing the whole school agreed on is that once we got out we all laughed on [that one guy] (misogynist, racist, homophobic etc kinda guy) that probably failed

Most of us dislike him and once we got out we were like "GUYS. HIM" And then laughed about it. Sorry not sorry. He wants to be a politician, I hope he wont succeed. The country is already bad as it is

Also, a lot of people (online) were commenting on Text 2, cause "I was so glad when I saw feminism was the theme, but once I read text 2 I was dissapointed to see it still misogyny"

Which yeah, I get where they're coming from, the author was like "new feminism is bad and likes victim-culture, classic old feminism is good" and... also the description said something about identity of genders which sounded very queer to me so I thought the author might originally be attacking trans people but the actual text did not mention trans people

Also. None of that matters. Yeah the text was bullshit, was my job to listen to it? No my job was to find what gave away that the author was using comparison on the second paragraph. I literally had to find the words "on the contrary" and "but" (αντιθέτως, όμως) and say why they meant comparison

I was so focused on that that when I noticed something was weird with the text I just went like "Huh... weird ....*circles*ΑΝΤΙΘΈΤΩΣ"

Also, the whole point is to keep it neutral and not be controversial, I could write that all women are witches that should be burn if it was my opinion but if I wrote it reasonably and fair enough it'd still be acceptable

Probably the most controversial in my essay was the mention of "hijab" which I tried to be very neutral about

Day 2: ancient greek

2 parts, γνωστό & άγνωστο aka (known & unknown)

Known: what we have been taught in class, texts from ancient dudes we have to know the meaning about

Unknown: text we've never seen before in our lives but we're supposed to know enough grammar and translate it ourselves and answer questions about grammar

Known: absolute bullshit. Aristotle. Fuck you Aristotle. We were sure we'd have the text about Alexander, but no it had to be Aristotle's town. I didn't know shot I messed up on that part

Unknown: disaster. The text was some dude whining to Socrates cause his son wanted a σοφιστη teacher, the grammar ruined me. I wrote σχε, the right was σχες, I wrote αγενου, the right was αγενους, I wrote ραον/ραδιον, the right was ραδιον/ραον. I was crying two days about it. The whole word is considered wrong. I get nothing for the effort of trying to figure out that έχειν becomes σχε(ς) in β' πρόσωπο προστακτικής αορίστου β or something and also that is a fucking ανώμαλο

Also. They were this close 🤏 to fail me, cancel me before we were even given the exam

Cause, in order to do all that grammar shit, we need to make a draft

So since we had to be in the room for the next 50 minutes or something waiting, I started making a draft of some very basic nouns and verbs bc knowing me I'd forget everything once I was given the exam

And im like "sorry is it OK I wrote with a pencil?"

"YOU WROTE? THIS CAN GET YOU CANCELED ITS CONSIDERED CHEATING" *αντιγραφή as in "copying" as if I have the answers next to me and I'm copying them

And im like "I didn't copy them," I literally just wrote them and birthed the thoughts out of my fucking mind what the fuck is the difference if I do it now or in 30 minutes

And im like should I erase it? It's pencil I'm not cheating I literally JUST ANAPNOH GAMOTO OLOI OI MALAKES EPITORITES SE MENA

And they call some other teachers and I guess who was supposed to be the boss was like "nah keep it who cares its ok"

And then, when I was done with the exam, cause I had shitted my pants cause of that, I started erasing the draft just in case AND THE MOMENT I DID this freaking bitch gets up and goes and talks to the the other teacher while looking at me and then they call the boss again and I hear him whispering "it's ok"(δεν πειράζει)

But I was so sure they would cancel me the moment I got up so I sat there for like 30 minutes in fear that if I got up they'd tell me "sorry you failed cause you erased the draft we let you keep"

Day 3: latin

We're given the exam right?

I start writing

The teacher brings her chair next to my desk and rests her hand on my desk

(THE PAIN OF HAVING TO SEAT ON THE FRONT FUCKING DESK)

Ok... maybe she wants to do her job which is to keep an eye on students. She's not bothering me yet

She grabs my ID card (we were given those in order to participate) and reads it...

Ok...

She lets it down

She grabs my sharpener and looks at it, she lets it down

Why. The. Fuck. Is. She. Touching. My. Things.

She gets bored and starts drumming her fingers on the desk. I give her a death stare( and so does my friend on the other desk) but look back down as soon as she looks back at me

She SPEAKS TO ME "Είναι πολλά τα θέματα;" (does the exam has a lot of parts?)

Considering they almost failed me the other day (different people) and im not allowed to... like have a chit chat- like this is a serious exam there's seriously a police officer outside- I don't know what to do I just shrugged at her

"Ok let me see then" AND SHE GRABS THE EXAM FROM MY HANDS WHILE I WAS FUCKING WRITING TO "SEE" AND IM LIKE "πρέπει να γραψω"(I have to write) and SHES LIKE OH YEAH RIGHT AND GIVES IT BACK

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

I THINK THATS ILLEGAL AND I FELT ASSAULTED

THIS IS LIKE THE MOST IMPORTANT EXAM IN MY LIFE SO FAR AND SHE HAS THE AUDACITY TO BOTHER ME CAUSE SHES BORED

YOU CANT JUST GRAB MY EXAMS LIKE THAT

ALSO IT WAS DEAD SILENCE IN THERE UNTIL I SPOKE "I HAVE TO WRITE" AND PEOPLE LOOKED AT ME BUT THE ONES THAT WERE CLOSE HAD PICKED UP ON THE FACT THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG WITH HER

My friend who I'm together in tutoring class and was sitting on the other side of the classroom was like was that sugar? But she didn't dare to look up or speak bc she understood something was off

Like

WHAT the actual fuck

Do they check the teachers before they bring them in? Wtfwtfwtfwtfwtwtf

I couldn't focus after that

Thankfully Latin is my fave class and the texts we had to translate were easy

But holy fucking shit

And I did do a mistake on the translation cause I wrote "αναδεικνύει" instead of "ανταποκρίνοταν" so I later when I was checking my answers I asked where I had to write the right word bc there was no space so I needed to leave a note and she was like "I don't think we can answer now that everyone has left" (we were only 3 students in the class by then) WELL MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE MADE A MISTAKE IF SOMEONE DIDN'T GRAB MY EXAMS WHILE I WAS TRANSLATING

Day 4: History

History is my worst class. The teachers were normal. Nobody tried to fail me before I was given the exams.

I didn't have high hopes for history because I've never gotten a good grade but my tutor believes I was lucky enough cause everything that was on the exam was something I liked and knew(according to her, according to me I hate it all)

The good news is that on the first πηγή* my answer was very big, first time that happens I always fail on my πηγές

Also there was a question about what the first government of Crete did and I had no idea what the first government of Crete even was but I remember there was a list of 12 things that were done in Crete so I just wrote that cause it was the only thing I knew

Turns out that was the right answer, I found it out by pure luck

Also turns out there were 9 things, but in the end I had only found 5 so ok

*πηγή they give us a bunch of texts and we have to write "according to the text and then according to what I know *answers questions*"

Day 5: I still have English on Saturday and idk what will happen. That was a choice exam

[jotawes]

I want to know about your WeatherTaro nonsense. Enlighten me.

Okay so in relation to SDC era Pucci brothers (I have so many weathertaro thoughts outside of this au but that’s for the stupidly long fic I’m affectionately calling The Beast that might get finished one day. Maybe.), Pucci runs off to put the stone ocean stuff into motion but Weather is taken in by Avdol which means friends from teenhood Weathertaro time. 

(Putting this under a read more because I got a little carried away.)

They click immediately, they’re both really angry and really awkward teens but they have such a deep mutual understanding for each other. A lot of people find Jotaro hard to read but I don’t think Weather would struggle with that at all, and vice versa. It’s an easy friendship that they keep up long after the events of SDC, Weather and Avdol probably move to America so Jotaro always sees Weather when he visits his grandparents. 

(Side note, I think Weather and Kakyoin have so much friendship potential, truly a trio to be reckoned with, especially as teenagers. Like good luck trying to mess with any of them.)

Weather ends up going to university to study meteorology, his control of his stand is still wobbly at best and he thinks if he can understand the nature of his powers he’ll be better equipped to control them. Jotaro, of course, goes to University for marine biology, and the two of them bond further over their studies, offering each other help and peer reviews. Maybe they’re roommates and going to the same university, maybe they’re ringing each other up and infodumping about their respective topics for hours on end, who knows. 

But this is where the stupid mutual pining would begin. Naturally, neither of them know it’s mutual because well. Expressing stuff isn’t their strong suit. 

Now the two of them getting together here and having Jolyne (Jotaro is always a trans man this is so important to me) would be very cute but I don’t love writing out Jotaro’s wife even if Araki sure does, so onwards we must go.  

Jotaro, in a last ditch effort to prove that he is straight and totally not crushing on one of his best friends, marries Jolyne’s mother and the two of them have Jolyne. Weather is batting his feelings down with a mallet at this point but it’s okay because he ADORES Jolyne. Weather is her favourite uncle, he indulges her in all her toddler shenanigans and the rain never seems to hit them when he’s around. 

R.I.P Jotaro, how is your feelings denial going bud. Probably worse than Weather’s. 

But then we reach post DIU, which to me at least is the moment where Jotaro realises that this isn’t over, his world is still too dangerous and he starts to pull back from Jolyne for her own safety. Weather understands why he does this, he had a front row seat to Dio and his minions and what they were willing to do and their hatred for the Joestars, and he promises to keep an eye on Jolyne. The two of them stay in regular contact of course and Weather probably accompanies him on some missions for the Speedwagon Foundation.

They still haven’t done anything with their feelings yet, but maybe they know at this point that there are feelings there, they just can’t fight through their 100 layers of bullshit and do anything about it. Men will do anything but go to therapy 🙄

Everything goes to shit when Jolyne gets arrested. Weather goes with Jotaro to break her out, but upon seeing Whitesnake and Jotaro’s basically dying, he stays in jail with the gang with the help of Emporio’s ghost room. Things play out basically the same but Weather is madder this time because Pucci has taken even MORE from him now. (We could have Heavy Weather arc 2 when Weather actually gets to confront Pucci again because his Stand still acts up when he's emotional.)

Jolyne also has a moment after seeing Weather’s reaction to Jotaro’s almost death where she’s like “WEATHER. MY DAD? SERIOUSLY? Dude. Get better taste.”

Now this can go two ways. 

Weather dies like he does in canon and Jolyne has to tell her dad that he’s lost another friend, one she has come to understand he was in love with but didn’t act on his feelings for. Jotaro also goes and dies like he does in canon, but the two of them are together and happy in the new universe, with Irene making a comment like “We’re going to see my dad and his husband.” or simply “We’re going to see my dads!” 

OR! They don’t die! And they reunite at Cape Canaveral and make out while Pucci stands there and goes “This is hell actually we’ve achieved hell why is my flesh and blood making out with Dio’s worst enemy I cannot abide this-”. They win through the power of gay love or something I guess. 

Either way. Congrats on getting two dads Jolyne.

[termagax]

YOOOO confession hour again? i think last time i talked about my weird thing with my straight friend im super physically close/cuddly with and how i kind of would totally have been down to fuck him but hes straight and has a girlfriend. WELL. (inhales deeply)

i ended up spending a weekend at his place so we could go to this weekend event together and i was sleeping in his bed w him and well i shant get into the details but we did end up having sex. like. three times. AND I COULD NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME figure out why he actually did any of it bc i thought the sexual tension stuff was all in my head and i mean i Am trans (ftm) but ik he sees me the same as any of our other guy friends and he doesnt like dudes at all. overall it was driving me insane (plus flipped some weird horny switch in my brain) for like two weeks i swear.

anyway i spent this past saturday night at his place too and we kind of fucked again but like bcos of the time we had both had to think about the last time it was a lot more sort of immediate "whyyy did we do that" bcos both of us knew damn well it was a bad idea already. and now i just feel super weird about it lmao. i kind of am so super tempted to ask if he would be okay with a sort of FWB arrangement because while i do still view him purely platonically i am also very into him physically and. sex with him was really fucking nice LMAO but also i am 99% sure he wouldnt be cool with any sort of ongoing thing bcos of his current relationship. i mean im friends with his girlfriend too and i think she would understand the way its not like a romantic/emotional thing for me but also she probably still doesnt want one of her friends fucking her boyfriend. and i dont want to fuck up our friendship by letting him Know that i still think about fucking him all the time and would do it again no hesitation LOL. im just losing my fucking mind (in a gay and horny way) basically. anyway SORRY for the giant wall of text in your inbox but i needed to yell about this a little bit. what getting dicked down does to a mfer 😔

GOOD LUCK WITH ALL THAT. if you want my advice its better to talk about it and set expectations than just continually keep fucking (esp if his gf isnt in the know) and regretting it. seriously good luck though godspeed

[classactionfrogsuit]

TW // SA

Dude I keep having awful dreams and I have no idea why. Basically I was back going to college, but it was basically like PSU, but it wasnt PSU. Anyways I was running around looking for like a class or something and I was asking around for directions, and no one could really help me. I go to the bathroom and its like a gender neutral locker room, but there were also boy and girl locker rooms, so this one was basically only trans people. I walk in and this girl like has a pc set up in the locker room and has like a chair in front of a sink she blocked off, and is playing terraria, I'm like thats badass, and she's clearly endgame, and is all like oh I have 1k hours and shit, and it was like oh cool maybe we'll play sometime I guess. Anyways I go do my business in the stall and then like 2 other people walk out, and they like, intimidated me so I waited for them to be on their way out. Then I went to go wash my hands, and then terraria girl comes up behind me and starts like forcibly groping me and shit and is clearly starting to initiate something, and I have to fucking fight her off me and was just like, scared and didnt want to work this person up, so I was just like, sorry I have a girlfriend I love very much, and she groaned and made a big fuss about it and was like coming on to me again, but eventually just like groaned and left. This was probably the worst part of the dream. It just felt so real.

Anyways, I try to move on from that because I still have shit to do, and then I get this email talking about some new lease that I got, and I guess somehow I got a second apartment closer to the school and I was like fuck dude I cant pay for this and so I start looking into it heavily, and in that process I get an alert that my parents basically know where I am and like, everything about my current life. But so much shit is going on that I have to just move past that and say it's a later problem. I end up in some fucking ironworking plant for no reason, and ask a worker for directions to the apartment, which he gives me. I get to the apartment and the keys are in the lock and the door is cracked, and the inside of this place is trashed, it's also like a tiny 200sqft studio that I'm paying too much for, and like 2/3rds of this place is taken up by a comically nice bathroom when compared to the rest of the place, like it has steps to get in this hot tub sized bathtub, and then past that more steps to get in a very large shower, I think the last thing I remember was just slumping against the wall in the shower and sobbing.

[romaniangothic]

oc profile

thank u @vronism for the tag ^^ gonna tag @takeoutnight @ranishoo @spud1234556 @saevus-brutalis @gothgaycowboy

if u did ur v i might as well do mine cus if i don't write down my thoughts ill just forget em 💀

tws for mentions of suicide/overdosing/selfharm/child abuse

General

Name: Axel V. Graves (yes, the V stands for something. no, he won't tell)

Alias(es): grim reaper (unwillingly), ax or axe, smartass/idiot/asshole etc etc (by both johnny and kerry lmao)

Gender: nonbinary trans man (he/they)

Age: 47 as of 2077

Birthdate: 10th june 2030

Place of birth: Night City

Hometown: Night City. he can't stay away from this place

Spoken languages: native in english but also knows enough japanese to hold somewhat of a conversation. some russian he picked from his dad, too

Sexual preference: gay (possibly demisexual? he only realizes it now 💀)

Occupation: petty thief (2046-2053), backstage tech dude? idk (2053-2055) merc but mostly a hitman (2056-2075), guitarist for some indie band (Atlanta, 2075-2077) merc again (2077-2078), idk, maybe he'll go back to doing music stuff. maybe with kerry this time 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 (2078-??????)

Appearance

Eye colour: used to have brown eyes but he has mods in them now. he now has all black scleras with yellow irises and slit pupils (basically just freaky cat eyes)

Hair colour: naturally black. he's greying in 2077 but he dyes it so you wouldn't really know

Height: 6'4 / 193 cm

Scars: bunch of sh scars that were mostly covered by either chrome or tattoos. some he either got in brawls or when he was a dumbass teen

Favourite

Colour: mostly darker colors (reds and stuff maybe?)

Hair colour: just his natural one, he never really had others. (definitely doesn't like his white hair but he does think it looks hot on a certain someone)

Song: black holes (solid ground) by the blue stones (not really a favorite song, just the song i associate with him the most. he has a whole playlist actually)

Food: he's not really picky but he does have a thing for sweets (is that technically food? no)

Drink: just inject coffee straight into his veins, that'd be fine

Have They…

Passed university: never even finished middle school

Gotten pregnant: no, and he'd rather keep it that away so he definitely had surgery/mods for it as soon as he could (or whatever they do in the future)

Kissed a boy: too many

Kissed a girl: once or twice when he was a teen

Gotten tattoos: a whole bunch of em (i'm designing them rn and weeping)

Been in love: yep (derogatory)

Stayed up for more than 24 hours: he doesn't believe in sleep

Are They…

A virgin: nope and that's all i'm saying on nsfw stuff 💀. man's a bigger whore than johnny, im sure of it

A cuddler: only sometimes. he's pretty touch averse

A kisser: yeah but mostly on knuckles/cheeks/neck places like that. likes giving more than receiving tbh

Scared easily: can't afford to be in his line of business. there Are certain things that'll get to him tho 👁

Jealous easily: if there's enough communication, no

In love: yes, much to his dismay

Single: yes and no. he complicates things with both kerry and johnny for absolutely no reason 🤧

Random Questions (TW: Self harm/suicide mention)

Have they harmed themselves: yes and he still does. he'd rather not talk about it

Thought of suicide: all his life (he gets better i promise)

Attempted suicide: definitely more than once. first one was probably at 12 or something like that. latest one was around 2077-2078

Wanted to kill someone: yes and has. will do it again most likely

Have/had a job: way too many to count tbh

Have any fears: people he cares about getting hurt because of him. sharp knife-like objects as well

Family

Sibling(s): he was an only child

Parent(s): i never thought about naming them even though they're big parts of the reason axel is the way he is today 💀 his mom that died of a drug overdose when he was pretty young and his piece of shit dad that he killed at 13

Children: absolutely not. he's too scared of becoming like his dad

Significant other: kerry (affectionate) and johnny (derogatory)

Pet(s): Nibbles the cat my beloved (he wanted to call the cat johnny but human johnny didn't appreciate it too much)

[luckycheesefoodie321]

ok...ok ok ok... ok... so I watched Mulan (2020)... spoilers + LONG POST (yo this took me an hour and a half)...

before yall scream at me for spending money on it, lemme just say i was fully intending to wait until December so that I would not have to give even more money to the Disney machine (especially in light of things that happened with John Boyega) nor endorse individuals who support police brutality or oppression... but my mum and sister nagged me to buy it so we could watch it now, and explaining the politics of supporting both Disney’s greed and the controversy around the lead actress and would’ve just frustrated us both so I paid for it -_- please don’t crucify me... 

also want to preface this by saying I am not Chinese (though I am Asian), and I understand that the 1998 film and this film have inherent issues, given neither were directed by Asian directors, let alone Chinese ones... so the representation of the Chinese culture is likely flawed (and likely straight up wrong) in many ways... additionally, Li Yifei has been shown to support the actions of police in Hong Kong, so just know I’m viewing her role purely from an acting and movie standpoint...

now that’s done... general rating for the movie

when compared to the original animated film (my favourite Disney movie of all time): scrapes by on a 5/10

movie that stands on its own as I watched it (just note I’m the type of person who can enjoy pretty much anything - even if I’m hyper-critical of it): 7/10 (I’m very generous but my viewing experience was nice)

if I break it down completely into its underlying faults and wash away the Hollywood sheen and the nostalgia filter: 4/10 for themes 8/10 for cinematography and the technical aspects... (this movie was gorgeous to look at and had some really fun camera work, sue me for enjoying the visuals)

Full SPOILER review:

For the most part, my nostalgia filter from the animated film, which I dearly dearly love, basically had me ecstatic anytime there was even a hint of a reference to the animated film (see: occasional notes from the songs), and also sorely disappointed when the acting or the general pace pulled the fun or the emotion from key points (see: A Girl Worth Fighting For being abruptly cut off upon seeing the carnage would’ve been so much more impactful because they actually showed the bodies in the 2020 version but instead we got this kinda funny convo referencing the lines completely separated from that scene)...

The biggest issue I have with the film is that Mulan was naturally skilled from the beginning and was told to suppress her abilities.. making her OP from the beginning undermines the 1998 journey where we see every step of her development both in physical ability and her emotional struggles... then through her wits, intelligence, and strategy, as well as being on par and even better than her fellow soldiers, she manages to defeat Shan Yu and makes us feel her “Hero” status is very much earned... so it takes away from what the 1998 film tried to show in suggesting Mulan could just OP her way to victory at the drop of a hat.. and also implied her being dishonest about her true identity was her primary flaw? idk thematically they were trying to be super empowering of women and the capability of women, and the boxes women are forced into according to society... but then suggest Mulan was always inherently gifted/had a special power and that is why she succeeded, while the other soldiers worked hard and effectively achieved the same goal (albeit in a less flashy manner)... so the message gets very confusing...

i felt that Xian Niang (was that her name?), the Witch, had a lot of potential, but I was also really concerned they introduced her to make sure Mulan had a female enemy to defeat, and Shan Yu/Bori Khan was a minion of this female enemy... so in that sense I’m glad she served as a foil to Mulan... I would’ve liked the parallels more if the “being your true self”/”bring honor to us all” theme wasn’t so muddled... Mulan was accepted while XIan Niang wasn’t because they both had powers, but then Mulan convinces her to take the noble path and so Xian Niang died for her? idk there was a better way to fold her into the story...

Shan Yu/Bori Khan was about as much as I expected from him... I think he matched Shan Yu for skill, though idk about ferocity or intimidation power, though the actor was decent enough... but I did enjoy his and Mulan’s fight... less impactful because he didn’t even know about her and how she was the one to take down most of his army...

didn’t mind that Mushu was missing... fondly referred to the phoenix as Mushu (though I understand there may be cultural missteps in a phoenix being the spirit/ancestor/guardian)...

I also didn’t mind they removed the power imbalance between Shang and Mulan and had her love interest be a fellow soldier...I really liked Yoson An’s character actually...but the romance element was significantly dialled back, so we didn’t get the bisexual icon that is Li Shang... also Li Yifei’s emotional acting was normal but not outstanding... so her feelings for Honghui didn’t really register much except for that first time they chat in the barracks about girls, and right before she goes home... (just me being pouty about him not joining the Imperial Guards to Mulan’s home and presenting himself for matchmaking... though I understand it was to keep focus on Mulan’s journey, not her love interest)...

while it probably wasn’t the intention of the 1998 film, the positive portrayal of gender fluidity, the specific empowerment of trans and bisexual individuals through Mulan and Shang (bc let’s get real, he was just as attracted to Ping as he was Mulan), all did not ring in quite the same way in the 2020 version... again I’m not part of either community, so I can’t say for sure, but this is what I read from it...

overall the fun was taken out, with the songs... I would say this is probably on the higher end of Disney Live Action adaptations, there were some fun moments and funny dialogue even, and I didn’t mind that they were trying to do something different, unlike some of the others which made it note for note the same... but ultimately the biggest flaw of most of the adaptations are that it removes the fun and the levity in lieu of a more serious tone... 

I accepted no songs (I was hopeful and then pleasantly surprised when they did pay some minor homages through the score to the original’s songs)... but the fun moments were meant to be intentionally undercut by the reality of the war... there’s a reason A Girl Worth Fighting For was cut off so abruptly in the 1998 version... it was the moment where these trainees (all of them young and having never experienced battle or war before) suddenly realised the severity of the situation before them, and it was in that moment they accepted their fate and duty to protect the kingdom...

the 2020 version just kind of had them walk through the carnage without any real build up... the grand battle sequence with the avalanche was pretty well done, the overdramatic “Hua Jun died but Mulan lived” scene notwithstanding.. i didn’t mind that Mulan volunteered to expose herself rather than be forced half-naked into the snow by the Chancellor dude... didn’t like Honghui got the “you listened to Hua Jun, why is Hua Mulan any different?” line... the “I believe in Hua Mulan” was kinda goofy, but I could see what they were going for... it was kinda undermined by the Commander saying “you dishonoured your family and this regiment but hey, you’re brave and loyal kid”...felt very patronising...

I’m not gonna lie, I kinda loved Cricket... he was adorable and I had half a heart attack when I thought he’d died... 

DIDN’T REALISE MING NA WEN MADE A CAMEO UNTIL I CAME ON HERE...so that was nice..

still pissed they didn’t even put the drum beats for “I’ll Make a Man Outta You”...they were using drums during the training sequence too so would’ve been real easy to do so AND THEY DIDN’T...they did it for “Bring Honor to Us All” and “Reflection”...idk why they couldn’t even give us that much of my favourite Disney song...

again, cannot emphasise enough how gorgeous this whole movie looked...and there were so many fun camera work moments... the visuals had me dead on the floor ya’ll...

idk what else i have to say now...

tl;dr I enjoyed the experience of watching it, but hooooo boi the film is flawed as hell...

[thetriggeredhappy]

hey since its pride month, may i request some gay mercs just having a good time? doesn't have to be any ship in particular, it'd just be nice to see them all get to celebrate :D thanks and happy pride!!!

this spiraled into me just writing my headcanons for all the mercs but also i am in fact so behind on requests that i had to push this one up in the order to have it even come out during pride month so yeah

also everyone is trans except pyro who’s double trans don’t @ me

(warnings for vague reference to the concept of homophobia)

-

It was an hour and a half into a team debriefing, almost two hours after Miss Pauling had arrived and about an hour and fifty minutes after Scout had started his usual general flirtiness, that finally it happened. Finally, the straw to break the camel’s back was placed. Finally Miss Pauling reached her limit.

“Scout, oh my god, I’m gay,” Miss Pauling snapped, and the room fell quiet.

Across a whole table from her, Scout blinked. Blinked again. Blinked a third time. Glances were exchanged between teammates.

“Aw, man,” Scout finally said quietly, and there was a pause of roughly three seconds before he gasped and sat up straight. “Wait so you like girls?” he asked quickly.

“Uh,” Miss Pauling said, hesitated, confused by the sudden shift of tone. “Yeah, basically.”

“Miss P can we please go hang out at some point and please can I wingman for you?” Scout asked all in a rush. Before she could even process that he was already defending the idea. “Seriously, I kick ass as a wingman! Look, like a third of the girls I usually hit on end up not bein’ into dudes anyways, I find a cool girl who likes girls I can send ‘em your way, y’know? It’ll be awesome! Seriously!”

“You’re—wow, you already moved past it?” Miss Pauling asked, surprised. “Like, no follow up questions?”

“I mean, should I ask more?” Scout asked, eyebrows furrowing a little.

“No, I just thought you’d probably have more to say to that,” Miss Pauling said, blinking a few times herself. “About the liking girls thing.”

“Oh! Oh, yeah, no, that’s—that’s cool, no worries. We’re cool,” Scout shrugged, gesturing around the table. “Shit, did you think we were gonna be assholes about it?”

“Uh,” Miss Pauling said, not sure how to answer that.

“I told you,” Spy muttered from his place relatively close to her around the table, and she shot him a glare. “The job offers tend to reach people from the fringes of society, Miss Pauling. What other crowds might they attract?”

“Okay, so I knew about Spy and Medic—“

“How?” Medic asked, looking a little surprised. “Herr Spy is obvious—“ Spy raised an eyebrow but said nothing in protest, “—but how me?”

“Is easy to tell,” Heavy mumbled, and was elbowed for his trouble. “Does not help that Doktor is never interested in fancy women at fancy business party.”

“Yeah, mostly that,” Miss Pauling agreed. “Wait, you too, Scout?”

“Sure, I mean, guys are great, girls are great, so why not, right?” Scout shrugged.

“Okay, wait, who else, then?” Miss Pauling asked, baffled.

A general consensus around the table of affirmation, lightly seasoned with a few see-saw hand motions and vague head tilts.

“Seriously?! Okay, no, okay, we’re doing a roll call,” Miss Pauling said firmly. “Medic already went.”

“Ja,” Medic agreed.

“Heavy?”

“Men are most good, but if partner is capable and intelligent, it does not matter,” Heavy said sagely. “Heart is most important.”

“Pyro?”

A series of noises muffled almost entirely by their mask and wide gestures. Miss Pauling nodded in faux-understanding once those died down.

“Uh huh. Scout already went too—“

“I mean, I can go again,” Scout offered.

“Engie?” Miss Pauling asked, ignoring him.

He shrugged a little bashfully, adjusting his helmet. “Well, not so much interested in dating just now with work and all, but... suppose it don’t much matter whether I end up with the kids and picket fence, ‘long as whoever I end up catchin’ is nice and all.”

“Demo?”

Demo considered for a second. “Eh,” he decided on.

“Eh?” Miss Pauling asked, a little confused.

“Eh,” Demo nodded. “Bloody, what’s it matter? Datin’ and all that lark, nice in theory, nasty business in practice. Rather just keep it me and a few mates and all.”

Soldier gave him a high-five of solidarity from one side. Demo accepted enthusiastically. “Affirmative!” Soldier barked.

“Okay. Spy, did you go?”

“I can make myself look like anyone on the planet. Gender and orientation are meaningless, as are labels,” Spy deadpanned.

“Got it. Sniper?”

He shrugged loosely after a second. “Blokes,” he mumbled.

A pause. “Blokes?” Miss Pauling repeated awkwardly.

“Blokes,” Sniper agreed.

“That’s... fair,” she said. “Sheesh, what are the odds?”

“Less slim than you’d assume,” Spy hummed.

“Is that a yes to the wingman thing?” Scout prompted, undeterred.

“I, um... I actually... have something going on this weekend,” Miss Pauling said slowly.

“Oh, yeah, work huh?” Scout asked, looking just a little put out, sympathetic.

“I’m actually going to be in this one town for a little while since I’m around on business, and most of my evening is probably going to be free, so... I’m, um. I’ll be meeting someone,” she said carefully.

“Oh my god tell me more,” Scout insisted, leaning forward, chin on his hands. She went to deny that and to try to get the meeting back on track, but similar looks of interest seemed to be on the faces of most of the others around the table, so instead she was forced to sigh and relent.

“She’s really pretty,” she started in, and the meeting didn’t get back on track for almost an hour.

[joshslater]

A Week in Indiana

Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

I was exhausted. It’s weird, because on long haul travel you have done nothing but relaxing. First on the initial connection, then at the airport, then at the trans Atlantic from Amsterdam to Chicago. I even napped a bit on it. Since that flight follows the earths rotation, you basically land at the same time as you start. Queues, immigration, wait for luggage, customs, relax some more at O’Hare. Finally followed by a decidedly less comfortable regional flight to Indiana, wait for luggage again, and out. And there he was, looking even better in person than he had on Skype the day before, waiting to pick me up. He was younger than me, but acted confident, cocky even. I like that.

- Hi there. How was the trip? - Long. I’m exhausted, like I said I would be. - It’s not far.

Americans have no idea what that word means. It wasn’t until an hour later we finally parked in his driveway. We had so much to talk about, but I made it perfectly clear that my mind wasn’t were it needed to be right now for anything serious. I quickly went online with my phone to cancel the backup hotel night I had, keeping some nights for the end of the week if things didn’t work out. Then I zoned out for most of the trip to his house.

- Let’s put your stuff in your room, head out for a bite and then you can go to sleep. - Head out? - I ain’t cooking.

The house was spacious living for a single dude, and probably the tidiest it been in a long while. Not that I paid much attention, as tired as I was. I would had preferred to just crash there and then, but I know from experience not to go to bed too early, or you’ll just wake up at midnight.

- Hey, can I get you something to drink? Coke, beer, water, absinthe? - A coke would be great. It’s dry in air planes.

A big, cold can of coke felt exactly like what I needed, despite the corn syrup. Rehydrated I carried my bags to the guest room, which doubled as a home gym. It’s silly, I know, but despite being so tired I found it kind of hot to be sleeping in a room where someone else had been working out. Well, I guess that’s the kind of shit we have in common, and the entire reason why I was here.

People really undersell the sheer amount of confusion when you wake up after having been drugged. Especially when you have been moved and things have been done to you. You didn’t plan for it, like going to sleep, and you have nothing to fall back to when you wake up to orient you. Everything around you is out of context. In addition to that, you still have residual effects and possible traces of the drugs in your system.

It’s impossible to estimate how much time it took to get a grip of the situation, but gradually I was aware that I was naked, tied to a bed, gagged and unable to see, possibly because of a pitch black room.

- Did you sleep well?

How long had it been? No way to tell. I feel like shit. I can feel him touching my naked chest. But that means he can see me, right? Why can I not see?

- I thought I would surprise you with a little transformation for yourself. This is the garage by the way. It’s not quite soundproof, but I don’t really need that, do I.

I don’t know what kind of gag he is using, but I can’t move my mouth in any direction. It feel like he had put some clay-like plastics into my mouth, had me bite into it, and then have it harden. I want to scream. I don’t want any piercings or tattoos or whatever. I shout that whatever his plans are, I want out. The best I could muster was an agitated hum.

I feel something cold against first my left nipple, and then both. Some sort of gel. Then some object is put there. Are these suction cups? Then a motor sound starts and I feel a rhythmic suction on my nipples. Guess they are.

- You should just relax. I don’t know anything about hypno, and you said it doesn’t work on you, but just so you have something to listen to I’ve downloaded a few things.

He puts earphones on me with the typical nonsense with multiple voices all talking over each other that all hypno mp3 files are so fond of. Then I feel him doing something with my gag, and a small trickle of fluid at the back of my throat, and then everything gets fuzzy.

- And here is something to keep you stupid. Enjoy the ride.

I’m too tired and drugged to analyze what is happening. I’m swimming in black velvet soup of words. I should relax, I’m told, be calm and follow instructions. I’m barely even aware I have a body, but occasionally the senses intrude into the bliss and I can feel the suction cups removed, more cool gel applied, and then the cups put back. Everything just gets softer and softer until everything ceases to be.

There’s no audio anymore.

- Hello, sleepy beauty. Are you ready for something solid to eat? - Yeah...

Wait? When did he remove the gag. Why can’t I see?

- Just be still, and I’ll remove the IV.

I could feel the short sting of an IV needle being pulled out, and felt him bandage the arm. What did he put into me? Where did he get an IV from in the first place?

- Now, just be still while I undo the restraints.

Any kind of resistance would be pointless. I was naked, in an unfamiliar room, and completely blind. I just followed along with his movements as he released my arms and legs. He then helped me on my feet and led me from the garage and through the house.

- So, I’ve prepared an outfit for you. Just put it on and we are ready for dinner. It’s all your size. Now, be very still and I’ll remove your black contact lenses.

So that’s what he had done. He was way better at removing them than I think I would have been, had he just asked me to remove them myself. As I blinked in the light I saw I was back in the guest room. My bags were no where to be seen, and on the bed was a small line up of clothes.

I turn to the mirror and see myself, but instead of my normal hairdo my head is almost completely shaved, save for a few millimeter Mohawk. Secondly, and more concerning, my nipples are huge. Like finger tip huge. He’s observing me from the door.

- Cortisone cream and a modified milking machine, and a few tricks. They will shrink a little bit, but not much. You’ll look like this from now on.

I don’t even have the energy to yell at him. If it is permanent, as he say, screaming doesn’t help. I need to get away from him before he can do whatever else he has planned for the week. It’s only day.... Actually I don’t know how long it’s been. One day? Two days?

- Just get dressed, and we can be on our way. Bring the ID so we can take a beer as well. - OK.

I look at the items laid out for me at the bed again, next to my passport. One black tank top with white hem in some sporty mesh material with the text “PUMP!” printed on the front. Blue, short adidas polyester shorts with white stripes. White, calf high socks with two black rings at the top. Black adidas shoes with white stripes. The only things missing for a stereotype bingo is a whistle, glow sticks and some molly.

No underwear, apparently. I put on the shorts. Like hell “all your size”. The shorts are tight and doesn’t leave my dick size to anyone’s imagination. Socks and shoes go on fine. I brace myself and put on the top. My tits feels like sparklers, shooting nerve signals all through my body. I can feel the tight shorts getting even tighter. I feel slutty.

On the way to dinner he is quite chatty. Talking about the buildings and neighborhoods we drive by, as if he hadn’t drugged and violated me for hours, perhaps days. He is casually dressed, Levis’ jeans and American Eagle polo. Still he manage to outclass me by an order of magnitude. Dinner is at P.F. Chang’s, so not at all fancy. Still I feel like everyone is looking, and judging. Everyone we pass on the parking lot, through the mall, at the front of house, on the way to our table. Everyone can clearly see my tits and my dick through the fabric. My haircut practically shouts for attention. My clothes even more so. And it’s not like I’m part of a group that has dressed up, or down. I’m lead here by someone dressed normal. A regular dude and his slut.

Sitting down feels better, with a table hiding my lower body, but it still feels like I’m in public in just underwear, having two flashing tits.

- Hey, relax. Calm your tits.

It was such a cheesy joke, I exploded in laughter. He’s right of course. It’s not like I’m hurt or massively disfigured. Most people will never even see it, once I’m in decent clothes. No one around me knows me, and I’ll never see them again. This is me experiencing something I could never have set up myself. Besides, I can’t really do anything about my situation except flagging down a cop, so I might as well enjoy it. I ordered the Dynamite Shrimps, the Singapore black pepper chicken and a steady flow of diet coke.

Man, was I hungry. It was tasty and I even managed to relax, though my tits kept rubbing against the mesh fabric, keeping me semi erect. And every time someone passed by, I got a twinge of feeling exposed, feeling “slutty”. We chatted a bit about ourselves, kind of how I had imagined our first real meal would have gone. When we were both done we asked for a refill and the bill. I managed to hide it, but I got quite the shock reading it. It said Tuesday. I arrived Saturday afternoon, so I had been drugged for three whole days! I don’t think he noticed my shock, because he leaned over and asked me, in a hushed voice “Are you ready to leave, slutty fuckboi?”.

Right away my dick throbbed into almost fully erect, and it was very close to pump custard into the shorts. Of course! The fucking hypno loops! That’s why I have been so docile since I woke up. “Slutty fuckboi” and “Calm your tits” were trigger phrases. Tits?! They are nipples. I’ve even been conditioned to refer to them as tits. I’m sure there are some programming about feeling self conscious and “slutty” as well. Who the fuck does he think he is! I must escape right now!

- Almost. I need to go to the boy’s room first. - I bet you do. You drank quite a lot.

I need to walk through two thirds of the restaurant to reach the restroom. Again I feel like I’m under dressed, overexposed and it would be hard to miss my raging erection in the hilariously tight adidas. I keep a fast but calm stride. Running would just draw even more attention.

I even have a hard time pulling down the shorts. They are almost locked in place by my swollen deadbolt. I stand feet together, slide the shorts straight down and turn to the sink to chill my dick in cold water. After the erection is gone I take a leak, pull up the shorts, and that’s when I feel the passport in my pocket. I had almost forgotten about it. I still have a reservation at the hotel. My credit card is on file and I have an ID to show. It must be within just a few miles, and if anything I’m dressed for exercise.

I don’t have a phone or a watch, so I don’t know exactly how long it took, but I guess about two hours to sneak out through the other entrance, ask mall information on the location of Holiday Inn, walk there without Google Maps, manage to check in with a receptionist who clearly didn’t approve of my attire, and have a lie down in bed. I should call Amex and have them block my credit card and send a new one to the hotel. Should I call him and tell him to send my bag here? Would it be risky to let him know where I stay? Would it be risky to even talk to him? That’s when the phone rang.

- Room 304. - Calm your tits, bottom boy. Isn’t it time to continue your transformation? - Yes, it is. - Cool. Pick you up in half an hour. - OK.

Shit. I’m broken.

[diarybutablog]

Yesterday I had an amazing day!

I’m sorry I didn’t post anything since May but I really felt like I didn't had time to post anything and many things happened and I'll try to write the most important things in the other posts and now I'll try to say what happened yesterday.

The day before yesterday my father told me and my brother to got to sleep before midnight so we could wake up early. He wanted to go with us on a trip to Brighton because i wanted a comic from a Graphic Novel Shop that was there near the train station and also go somewhere to eat. Yesterday I woke up at 11 AM and he wanted to go with us on 10 AM… ALRIGHT. He opened our door to our room (i live with my younger brother in the same room in UK) and just said "So we're not going to Brighton?". To which i responded "Hello :>"… I guess he didn't like that because he just closed the doors. I waited in my room scrolling through Reddit on my laptop and seeing the same jokes reused with different images. I saw a meme where someone said the if you add Mr Bean to anything it will automatically become funny. It was so stupid that I felt weird because I wanted to chuckle for a moment when I saw this stupid picture.

Suddenly 12 AM came on a clock and I decided to dress up. After I did that I went and washed my hair. I think I was washing it for really long because I came out of the bathroom an hour later. I decided to go to the main room.

It’s not living room because it’s too small.

My dad was as always on his phone on Facebook when I came out of bathroom and I told him that I am hungry so I made myself two toasts, one with butter and pate, and the second with pepper cream. I ate them and drank some soda. My stomach hurt because I don’t usually drink sodas. Anyways, my dad told me that we could go together without my younger brother because he's asleep, so we did. My dad bought 4 tickets for us. Each one of us had one for return and one for going onward. My dad was telling me to keep the tickets somewhere like my right back pocket so i won't lose it heh. When we were riding we discussed Poland and UK as well. After the gossip about horror and thriller movies we arrived. First we went on an expedition to find the Graphic Novel Shop to buy me a comic book but so we were walking and walking and… we found it.

(Kinda i did it because my dad was totally lost)

I was broke but my dad had some to buy me a gift up to 20 pounds. I was searching around and found some cool comic books like the ones about Scott Pilgrim and based on D&D. Also i saw the 13th volume of a series called Giant Days which chapters are called troubles.

(I don't know why they call them troubles heh)

After searching for a while i noticed the comic section called LGBT and i wanted to check if something interesting was there AND THERE WAS! I really liked She-Ra and the Princesses Of Power and I noticed a book written by it’s creator Noelle Stevenson which is called The Fire Never Goes Out: A Memoir in Pictures.

It’s basically her diary but she adds her doodles and thoughts to it. I highly recommend it to anyone and I think I might do a Twitter thread describing my day but that’s not important now and probably won’t happen. I also saw a little comic book that was about tweets from our lovely Donald J. Trump but ilustrated as satirical pictures.

Basically boomer humor.

I showed it to my dad and he told me kindly that he wasn't interested in buying that for himself or for anyone. After that me and my dad came out of the store and we went to get something to eat for dinner but… my dad wanted to buy a bag and something to put a gift in. We were walking around the stores and he was stopping like every 5 SECONDS to check the next store and see if they sell something to put a gift in. We entered the Pride Shop or something like that and I wanted to buy the mug that was on the exhibition which presented Batman and Superman kissing. Also I was looking at the pride flags and pride pins but I didn’t give any signs about them to my dad because I don’t want him yet to know that I’m trans, or I think I am. When my dad was coming to these shops, I was coming with him to some of them, but if I wasn’t I was just standing outside waiting for for. In one of them there was a Moomins Handbag which I really wanted but my dad told me that he only would buy it if it costed up to 3 pounds but it was worth 8 so I didn’t get it… When I left the Moomins Handbag store I heard and saw two goth kids coming right beside me and I only heard them say that the girl in this conversation had a Moomin faze and collected everything related to Moomins… 

Does that mean that I’ll become a goth kid as well?

We were looking for a place to eat for a couple of minutes and I noticed a place where last year I saw a dude that was playing drums very nicely and it was cool to listen to him. We didn’t stay there for long because we still went to the restaurant to eat something but before we went there a random lady gave FREE COOKIE ICE CREAM to us! While I was walking I held my book without it’s cover because it’s pink and I don’t really wanna go out with pink stuff because I feel like I am showing too much of my secret side with this color. Me and my dad ate these ice creams before we went inside the restaurant but my dad got angry because instead of physical menu to pick up we had to scan the QR code but he was too much NOT FRIENDS WITH TECHNOLOGY that he just came out of the restaurant and I went after him. We were walking and found a pizzeria that we went to last year and ordered two pizzas. Before we got our pizzas we got plates filled with olives, potatoes with onions and cream, eggplant parts and some weird green vegetable.

(Probably a zucchini slices)

Also I got apple juice with 4 ice cubes in it and my dad got one beer like a dad. We were eating our pizzas peacefully and suddenly something amazing happened. A obese young adult lady with red dyed hair FUCKIN’ stole my pizza and tried to run away… and she did, but one of the stuff workers chased her and saw her coming into another pizzeria and… did the same thing, but the whole thing wasn’t only STEALING MY PIECES but also taking someones pizza slice and throwing it at them, scratching one of the stuff ladies arm and when leaving this pizzeria blocking the exit doors and not letting the stuff member that was chasing her leave the restaurant. Instead of being sad because someone took my pizza I started to laugh under my nose quietly so others wouldn’t notice. My dad only saw my smirk and asked me if I feel alright and I said „I think it’s the most entertainment I had in UK so far”. I think I kinda understand why this woman took MY piece of pizza. It was probably because me and my dad sat on the seats next to the exit so it was easier for the crazy lady to take something that was near exit than at the back of the restaurant. One of the stuff members came and told us „I’m sorry but these FUCKING… I mean stupid people will not bother you anymore”. After that she left with the rest of my pizza and gave me a new one FOR FREE! I ate the one piece and we asked the stuff to help us pack the pizza to take it outside so they gave us a pizza box to take with us. My dad before coming out of the store with me asked the Scratched Girl if everything is fine and she said that it’s just a scratch and also asked where were we from, so my dad said „We’re from Poland” and she said „Well… I’m from Russia”. I have no idea what was the rest of their conversation but my dad made a joke that the EASTERN EUROPE was being attacked. If I was good from history I would make a historical joke or a meme now, but I’m not… so not joke for today. Before we left police came to check if everything was ok, but they weren’t stopping us from leaving so we… left. On the way back we were looking at the city of Brighton and right at the train station my dad checked if he had his train ticket and… IT WAS GONE! My dad started to panic but had an idea how to fix this problem. He took his ticket receipt and tried to show it to the woman that was standing next to the ticket receiver. Surprisingly it worked and we waited for our train. When our train came my dad wasn’t sure if it was the right one so he asked me to ask the conductor if we’re in the right one and he said that we were in a right one.

TONGUE TWISTER

When we were heading back to Hastings I decided to start reading Noelle’s book. It was very touching and nice to read. When we arrived to Hastings I was on the 132nd page and I had to close it for a moment and when we came back home I needed to use a toilet and also I used this situation so I could continue reading this amazing book. I finished the entire 194 paged book in a day but everyone probably would do that. After finishing reading it I wanted to tell my friends about my day because I think it was great. After telling some of my friends how was my day I decided to eat my supper and watch with my dad the second episode of Beastars. My dad did like this episode and the whole show. We watched it because we made a small tradition while I am in UK. One day I read one chapter of one of my Warrior Cats books, and the other day we watch a singe episode of Beastars. After all of that I decided to sit and write my day down as a Tumblr Blog post.

Thank you for reading my summery of my day. 08.08 was an amazing day I probably won’t forget because of this post and maybe because I told my friends about this. As I said I'll try to post tomorrow how my other days have been because there’s so much stuff I wanna get off my chest.

[bokunowritingacademia]

Original Character Corner: Lilith, Samael + Dad

@humanransome-note: Okay so I actually made a little OC family, and I’m not all that active in BNHA at the moment but I still love them. Five whole pages

-

First there’s the dad. Dishonorably discharged and court martialed, former US Army officer. He’s 36, and was SUPER OP when he was younger. His quirk was basically alchemy from FMA mixed with the fluidity of bending from ATLA. Contact with whatever he was moving was how it worked, but he figured out how to transfer his quirk through /atoms in the air/ so he was just hoping around bending the physical world to his will. (Like I said, super op.)

He can’t do much of that anymore though, because after the army used him, and a few others, to test out a long term low dose quirk enhancement drug, that he was told were vitamins, he accidentally OD on them. 

He wasn’t taking them everyday, and he thought “whatever their vitamins” he never thought it was weird that they’d get their pills counted out every month. But, ya know, hindsight. 

So when he realized inspection was coming around and he had too many pills, he just popped them all, expecting an upset stomach at worst. 

He nearly leveled the equivalent of about 10 city blocks, he was giggly, a bit high on power, and suffering from delirium caused by heat sickness. One side effect of overusing his quirk was his body overheating because (something something, physics, something something transfer of energy produces heat)

It took getting smacked by a live power line to put him down. He’s got a chunk of flesh missing from his left shoulder, and some gnarly Lindinburg figures projecting out from it. His left hand is considerably weaker and he’s blind in his left eye. 

He came to, in a public hospital. Some paperwork issue or something prevented him from being transferred back to base. 

(He doesn’t know this, but one of docs’ quirks was being able to tell the chemical composition of anything he tasted, a bit of a biohazard, but useful in a pinch. He threw up after getting just a small lick of blood, so they ran some tests, and found an unidentified chemical cocktail. They intentionally stalled to get the results and to see if he knew what he was taking)

After finding out that he was being used as a guinea pig for something that messed with his quirk (he tries not to see a person’s quirk as a judgement of their value, but a huge portion of his self esteem rested on his own quirk) he threw a fit, demanded to see his CO and promptly punched said commanding officer as hard as he could in the nads.

On paper, he was court martialed for assaulting a commanding officer, but in truth it was an excuse to discredit him so anything he said would be met with skepticism. 

That didn’t entirely work though, the amount of damage done to himself and the areas around him after having a squeaky clean record made a bunch of people think something was up. 

They were right. 

So that left him with two options:

keep fighting tooth and nail to blow the whistle on this thing, ruin his life, publicly and financially, and probably not have anything happen. Because something this dangerous and unethical had to be approved from pretty high up the food chain. 

Sign an indefinite NDA, get secretly subsidized by the US government and live out the rest of his life wherever he can find himself in relative peace. -also work as an on call black coat operative, his quirk may be jacked but he can still get some damage in from close range, and he’s pretty handy with a handgun-

He spends the first few months or so, just losing himself in drugs and alcohol. They had left him alone with his morphine drip, he got addicted and switched to opioids but quit when he found out he was pregnant. (Did I mention? My mans is trans!)

He didn’t want kids, but he couldn’t get a procedure in his current state, (both the actual state and coming down from a probably days long bender) and by the time he’d cleaned up he was ready to pop. 

So he had the kids. Yep, twins. A girl and a blob. Literally, the one he’d start calling his son when the little goo ball got a concept of gender was born with his quirk. Shapeshifting, down to the cellular level (with enough practice) unfortunately little dude had to know what he wanted to change it and having no experience besides swimming in embryonic fluid, and wiggle to irritate sister he was just kinda there. 

That was fun, 13 hours of labor, followed by the panic of a room full of doctors freaking out because they realized that thing was not the afterbirth but in fact another child. 

The doctors freaking out made him realize he’d do anything for those kids, so that’s when he decided to keep them.

The first few months were a lot. He spent more time in the hospital than at home, they had to put the kid in what was basically a sensory deprivation tank that was set up to be a pseudo womb. 

He couldn’t name them yet. The little girl got a name, Lilith, but he was scared that if he’d name them, something would happen, and they’d be filling out a death certificate immediately after the birth. He knew it wasn’t rational, but it made him feel better. 

Speaking of Lilith, either she was born with her quirk as well, or it came in a few months after being born. 

He was curled up with her, against the tank, when suddenly alarms started going off. 

He looked inside and saw her, and for a fleeting, terrifying, exhausting moment he thought he had a teleporting infant on his hands. But she was still in his arms. 

Puppeteer is what he called her quirk after things settled and some more testing could be done. Controlling people via contact through skin, (or conductive material, apparently)

And since all she knew how to do was be herself, she’d inadvertently made her brother a clone. 

It took a lot of talking with specialists and pediatric Quirk scientists to approve, under intense supervision, that Lilith use her quirk on her brother and hopefully teach him to inadvertently stay human shaped and functional.  

Almost their first birthday to the day was the first time that he stayed human shaped, on his own, for a whole day!

Baby blob’s first birthday present was a name, Samael (Sam or Sammy for short), and going home for the first time.

(are these OC’s named after biblical figures, both of which said fuck this, gave god the finger, and did their own shit? Yes, I’ve got a personal philosophy about names and that showed up here)

The first roughly three years, he’d been on call for some super shady shit before he realized that a lot of the places he was called to were pretty far from East Asia.

So with minimal planning, a favor, and a phone call to a friend they made working black coat, they had passports, plane tickets, and a decent apartment in the Mufastsu prefecture of Japan.

Elementary school was okay, Lilith (no you don’t get to call her Lily, you don’t have the friend privileges) and Sam (just Sam, maybe Sammy if he likes you) had the novelty of being from America to outweigh any bullying that may have been thrown at them because of their Quirks.

That would come later.

Middle school was bad, kids saw the two of them as scapegoats because of their “villainous Quirks” 

“It wasn’t me! Sam did it while looking like me!”

“Lilith made me do it!”

Samael turned inward and started getting into tech, robotics, and support equipment, theoretically, you need permits for that.

Lilith got violent, only in instances of defense, but still violent. The two of them went to a different middle school for every year of it. Their second to last year they actually went to the same school as Midoriya and Bakugo.

Sam had a bit of a crush on Midoriya, and Lilith was ready to throw down with Bakugo the second she got the opportunity, this isn’t some tsundere thing, she just wants to see him eat dirt. 

Their last year of middle school was pretty okay, considering the first two, and Lilith redirected her anger into helping Sam with his tech. Herself finding an interest in it as well.

They both applied for UA’s support course, (“You just wanna go cause Midoriya wanted to.” “I do not-”)

Lilith got in by the skin of her teeth, her record of fighting put her on a six month probation and prevented her from participating in the sports festival that year. She was devastated when she learned she lost an opportunity to make Bakugo do the chicken dance.

[autisticmob]

HELLO everyone i am now ten days out from my tiddy surgery so i think while everything is still fresh-ish in my mind I should get a rough timeline of how things went for me, just so anyone having similar stuff done in the future can have it as reference?? 

so under the cut is how shit went down, warning we are gonna be tmi about it for Max Information Dissemination, i will be talking about IV placement, Needles, Bleeding, Bruising, Bathroom Stuff In General, etc. so like. Be Warned.

OKAY SO what did i have done and how did i get it:

- i got a bilateral breast reduction with a “T,” “keyhole,” or “anchor-shaped” incision. this procedure, unlike double-incision top surgery, does not detach your nipples at all, but it DOES leave a decent hunk of breast tissue behind to avoid the nip graft. this connecting tissue keeps your nip attached and supplied with enough blood to survive. that means with this one, theres basically a limit to how much they can take off, and it depends on how big you are to start off with. 

- i went with the T-incisions because as a NB person, I wanted to sidestep the “gender-confirming surgery” route with my insurance. technically, I believe it would have been covered if i had gone through the process of talking to a therapist and getting a note that the surgery WOULD help confirm my gender, but i suspect it would have taken much longer, and I was afraid that my doctor and community resources would not have ended up approving me FOR the surgery since I don’t exactly fit the typical trans narrative. and luckily for me i had Massive, Spine-Bending G Cup Tiddies to contend with. so every doc that took a look at me said “yeah, you need those taken care of for medical reasons.” so i thought hey, let’s see how far this will get me!

- i talked to my primary care doc about my back pain and mentioned i’d like to look into a breast reduction, and she referred me to a local surgeon who could do the procedure. at the time i was still entertaining the idea of double-incision, but as it turned out, this surgeon just didnt do that. but i knew for certain my insurance would cover him, his results were good, and he was local, so i said yes to the T-incisions, which he said would likely get me down from a G to at least a C. it wasnt my ideal scenario admittedly, but frankly the back pain was getting to be too much, and i needed it to be addressed sooner rather than later.

- i had a consultation with the surgeon in early december, and they took pictures and measurements to send to my insurance so they could confirm the tits WERE in fact Too Bomb To Live. Doc said that it varies between insurance companies, but most will have a minimum amount of tissue that needs to be taken off, in grams, from each breast. he was like, “your insurance needs at least 1000g total removed, which’ll leave you on the small side, is that cool?” and i was like “My Man, take AS MUCH as you possibly can, im sick of these” and he was like “cool, makes my job easy then.” 

- it took my insurance like 1.5 to 2 months to get back to me, but late january the surgery place called me and we set a date for february 5th, 2020!!

PRE-OP:

- before i went into surgery, the hospital made me go over my medical history with them over the phone, informed me of all the risks, and gave me a special scrub kit to shower with at home for the last 2 days before the surgery

- fun fact this soap will make your whole bathroom and body smell strongly and exactly like a hospital and it is gross as hell if you hate hospital smell

- i also had to go to my primary care doc to get the OK that i was healthy enough to go under general anesthesia, and also get some blood tests and a urinalysis done. i fucked up the urinalysis tho (which is a whole other story) so i had to redo that the morning of the surgery when i got to the hospital anyway. 

- when i scheduled my surgery they also gave me a list of things i had to NOT DO before i went in. this included stuff like avoiding herbal medications and non-prescription supplements and not drinking any alcohol for like 2 weeks prior to surgery, and not eating anything after midnight the night before surgery.

- then it was SURGERY DAY!!!

- i went in with uhhh a LOT of anxiety about what everything would entail, ngl. i knew i had to do it because staring down the barrel of life with tiddies forever was way scarier than surgery, but yknow whenever you go under general anesthesia they legally do have to let you know that you could die and thats just a lot to consider, PLUS the whole thing involves just, really mangling your torso so like. its a lot! its okay to be scared!

- both my parents went with me for moral support which i appreciated a lot, but i didnt actually see them much since they had to spend a lot of it in the waiting room.

- when i went back with the doc they had me Wash The Tiddy Off with some antiseptic and change into a gown. i got some grippy socks out of the deal which is probably not a universal experience, but this hospital did it so shoutout to them for the socks i guess

- then they asked me all my medical history stuff again and checked me for any like, rashes or open sores or anything. i had some Tit Zits but they did not seem to be worried about that.

- then the surgeon came in and drew lines on me for the incisions. bro when i saw how high up my nips were gonna be i was losing my damn mind. this is one of the really exciting parts, because you finally get to really visualize what your end size is gonna be!! 

- once he was satisfied with how everything looked, they started really Prepping Me For Surgery.

- they hooked me up to a blood pressure cuff, a heart monitor, and some compression leg thingies that would inflate and deflate intermittently around my calves to help me not get blood clots. this felt weird but tbh also like kind of a nice massage

- then the iv placement. bro im not lying when i tell you this is the worst part. the nurse numbed me with some lidocaine before placing the needle and let me tell you that shit HURTED. lidocaine Stings and Burns when it hits and this was arguably the most painful part. but the good news about that is it means nothing else after that is all that bad. and i got THREE lidocaine shots because these two nurses could NOT find my blood anywhere. they finally called in their ringer (an EMT named kirk, s/o to kirk) who got that sucker in my arm with NO numbing and NO pain in like, 2 fucking seconds. i pray you all have a kirk. kirk knows where your fucking blood is and hes not gonna fuck around getting to it because he JUST wrestled a drunk dude into an ambulance like an hour ago and compared to that this is nothing. kirk had sleeveless scrubs. im obsessed. anyway.

- then they put a plastic, inflatable, heated blanket over me? it was between two regular blankets so it wasnt as uncomfortable as you might imagine, but it was strange. warm tho so that was nice.

- THEN they wheeled my bed down to surgery. i was having so much anxiety at this point it was like... dreamlike. getting wheeled into the OR was just surreal. i was like, no thoughts head empty, just taking everything in.

- once i got there the surgical team was very cool about keeping me calm tho. they were playing their like, pump-up music and one of the guys was like “hey fyi about halfway thru the surgery we will be turning the lights off and having a rave, just in the interest of full disclosure. promise not to leave any glowsticks in there tho” and i was like what no i would LOVE glowstick tiddies

- i had to kinda roll from my bed onto the operating table, which was significantly harder and smaller. that kinda made things feel real, so i got a little more anxious at that point.

- to help me calm down they had me breathe in some straightup oxygen thru a mask while they hooked my iv to the fluids and such, and the guy was like “WHOA you got some lungs on you dude” and i was like yeah thanks im recovering from hyperventilating

- then they let the anesthesia into the iv, letting me know the whole time what was happening, talking to me until i was just OUT, which was not a lot of conversation time because i was out in like 5 seconds or less. they didnt make me count down or anything, but i promise you it was nigh instantaneous.

POST OP

- it really was instantaneous. i know everyone says that but it really is the truth, it feels like the whole thing takes seconds. like one moment youre laying there in the OR feeling the drugs Hit, and the next youre waking up in the little wake-up room feelin kinda groggy with a nurse talking to you, and youre still druggy so youre just rambling to her about how fucked your voice sounds right now and as soon as shes contented that youre basically lucid they start wheeling you to your room where youll ACTUALLY stay while you recover.

- THE THING I WAS THE LEAST PREPARED FOR WAS MY THROAT

- your throat will Hurt afterwards, but even more than that, you will be producing So Much Mucus. my surgery took about 2 hours and during that time, all my muscles were paralyzed by the anesthesia, including my lungs, so i was on a breathing tube. my throat, understandably, hated this, and started producing Gallons Of Fucking Mucus to protect itself. it then continued to do this for the next two days or so. the nurses were encouraging me to breathe deep and cough Hard to combat this, and avoid getting pneumonia, so i did. but THAT hurt the tiddies. it was really a vicious cycle. but its necessary because god if i had to have pneumonia on top of all the other recovery shit?? god. 0/10 wouldnt recommend. so it might hurt but dont worry your tiddies wont bust open or anything.

- i spent basically the rest of the day still hooked up to all the machines i listed earlier, PLUS a thing that would beep at me if my heart rate went too high, which it did a lot because i have anxiety, but luckily the nurses didnt seem too concerned. it really kept my breathing on track though because if i didnt breathe deep enough my heart would shoot up super fast and it’d beep and god that was just annoying and im pretty sure that was The Point. you kinda have to get used to breathing again, and the beeping trained me.

- they gave me like a bunch of crackers and a huge mug of water to work on at my leisure. i actually had lunch pretty quick after waking up? i know a lot of people have nausea issues from anesthesia but i didnt experience any of that. i DID move like a fucking sloth while i was eating tho. the pain meds and general grogginess of recovery slowed my whole body down sooooo much. my mom was actually like “are you okay??? like neurologically??????” and i was, totally, i was just. on slo-mo.

- anyway i didnt have to get catheterized for this procedure thankfully but they DID make me measure my pee every time i went to the bathroom. like i had to pee in a little bucket attached to the toilet and the nurse had to come check it every time and i felt really weird about that. so idk just be prepared for that i guess lmao

- also idk if it was the pain meds or the anesthesia itself but post-op, i couldnt shit for like a week. the constipation is real so get u some fucking laxatives asap when you get home, this is not a joke lmao

- they also had me put on a belt every time i got up so the nurse could hold onto me in case i decided to fucking biff it. they got me up a couple times throughout the day/night to walk up and down the hallway outside and get my body used to being upright again

- oh speaking of i never got to lie down completely flat, they had my bed locked at like a 30 degree angle minimum to help with... something. im not quite sure what, but im not gonna question it

- when i got up the next morning they had a couple nurses come in and help me un-bandage so i could shower and finally look at what the tiddies looked like for the first time!! and it was exciting but i didnt cry like i expected lmao i think i was too drained and too distracted by the bleeding

- the bleeding wasnt too bad actually, just little beads kinda coming out of parts of the incisions between the stitches. but once i got in the shower obviously stuff started getting diluted in the water and it looked like a lot more than there actually was, so dont be alarmed by that! 

- SHOWERING: its a little complicated. youre not supposed to soak the incisions, and youre not supposed to apply direct water pressure or actually touch them at this point. so what i had to do was get a washcloth wet and soapy (with antibacterial soap, i think it was hand soap honestly. hand soap’s what ive been using at home so........) and then just kinda. squeeze it at your collarbone and let it drip down over everything kinda minimally. its kind of a process but it works fine. washing your hair and like, tbh literally everything else is gonna be hard. reaching over your head is hard and scary at this point. i will admit my hair care Suffered the first week. 

- then i got bandaged back up and they got me back into my own clothes and ready to go home! they also put a bra on me over the bandages in my new size. i was only there for about 24 hours total, since i didnt really have any complications. 

- on the ride home i had to make sure the cross-chest part of the seat belt was NOT touching me. if whoevers driving you hits a pothole, your soul WILL exit your body tits-first for a moment. im sorry if you live somewhere like here in nebraska where the roads are garbage but its not gonna be fun.

ONCE YOU’RE HOME!!

- i live at home with my mom and sister and if you live alone, id try to have a friend basically move in for the first week. you will need Help with things. basic things. you’ll mostly want to sleep because of the pain meds but those made me pretty dizzy so it was cool having my mom around in case i like. fell on the way to the bathroom and died or anything like that.

- changing bandages is really kind of a 2-person affair too, and youll have to do it at least once a day post-shower, so keep that in mind. 

- the bleeding is like, not that bad after that first day honestly. i never had to change the bandages more than just the once per day. 

- basically from here the procedure is just to take it easy, get up every few hours and walk around a little to keep the blood clots at bay, and enjoy yr new silhouette basically

- worst thing about recovery honestly? im a stomach/side sleeper, and i cant manage anything other than laying flat on my back with my arms at my sides right now, and thats just like.... idk i really cant sleep like that. its not comfy. ive had to set up kind of a pillow fort around me to keep me from rolling over in my sleep bc im afraid i might hurt myself accidentally like that, but idk how well-founded that fear is.

- i will say as someone who did have back problems before this, the difference is IMMEDIATE. i literally had better posture like Day 1. im still a little hunched over because the stitches create a bit of tension in your chest, but like literally it was instantaneous. god. once i got healed to a point that i could like, kinda relax and not be so fucking tense all the time? back pain has basically just been GONE. 

- other fun things to notice: i had some pretty significant stretch marks before, and now they are running in a completely different direction. i crossed my arms over my chest the other day and they actually touched my torso for the first time in like, well over a decade. if i close my eyes and try to grab my tiddy from muscle memory, i stop like a full 3 inches from where my tit actually starts now. the size i am now, just like, freeballing it? this is how i looked when i wore a binder before. if i wore a binder now i imagine id be completely flat, and honestly if i layer up at this point you cant really tell that i have anything more than the average chubby dude’s moobs, which as a kinda chubby person is totally fine. 

its a trip relearning what i look like and what im supposed to feel like but its just. such a fucking improvement over where i was. absolutely no regrets, regardless of how hard recovery has felt at times. anyway i hope this information is at least interesting and maybe helpful to anybody considering anything similar!!

[nightklok]

YOU KNOW I'M GONNA SAY CHARLES/PICKLES FOR THAT SHIP MEME :D

Shipping Meme [Open]

AAA AND I LOVE YOU FOR THAT- 

My ADHD is incredibly strong tonight so enjoy the rambling headcanons I have because I just love them too much ;^;-

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - Forever obviously, they’re in it for the long road ahead!

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - I think it was a gradual thing for sure! Definitely met during the SnB era and Charles was the one who fell in love quickly though wasn’t much aware of it until later. Pickles had probably become a bit wearier of falling in love then so it took him a bit longer to admit he even had feelings for him. They probably didn’t even admit it until years later when they began to work for Dethklok-

How was their first kiss? -  they probably didn’t have a first kiss until nearly a decade or two of meeting each other, they were really fucking awkward haha-But I think their first kiss together would be sweet; they probably had a really well needed heart-to-heart talk and just eventually, it happened. 

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Charles 100%-it’s nothing elaborate or extraordinary, just quiet and probably between them while they’re alone or planned with the boys. 

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Technically the rating would be a 2 as their first ‘ceremony’ would be those quick courthouse weddings. I mainly like the idea of them getting engaged and possibly married sometime after Doomstar and before they have to confront Salacia. Kind of in a ‘now or never’ kind of situation but they both would’ve gotten married regardless of the prophecy or not. Though once the prophecy is fulfilled, the boys will insist they have a proper big red wedding

Who is the best man/men?  Pickles initially chose all of Dethklok to be his best men to avoid a battle to the death combat. Though, later on it became safer for him to officially choose one best man and that would be Nathan. For Charles, it was easier and he chose his best man to be Huey Lewis, no explanation further needed.

-Who did the most planning? Definitely not them-the boys, Dick, and Abigail would’ve insisted that they do the planning. Magnus and Murderface were the only ones to actually know about organizing a wedding surprisingly, actually asked for their input but kept it as vague as possible, and despite the ridiculously typical setbacks, managed to pull off a pretty elaborate wedding that they were both pretty pleased with. 

-Who stressed the most? Charles definitely-since everyone wanted to keep it a ‘surprise’ and he knows pretty well that a surprise from them is going to either be really extravagant, out of this world wedding or a Hot Topic Parking Lot wedding. Luckily, they got the first. 

-Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Rockso and Pickles’ family for sure. They didn’t even know they got married until it ended up on the Dethklok Minute and they were pissed but Pickles probably got his new family through Charles (if they’re alive and decent?) and by extension, Dethklok so to Pickles, his real family was at the wedding (no matter how many times they tried to argue that to him.) Seth probably sent him that blender as a wedding gift though

Sex:

Who is on top? - Top/bottom roles are non-existent to them; it’s really on whatever they’re up for at the moment. 

Who is the one to instigate things? - Pickles obviously; if he feels like Charles is working a bit too much or they haven’t done it in a while (three days), he’ll definitely instigate. Considering how well he knows him and what gets him riled up, Charles never says no-

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now 

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - It can depend on how horny they both are or if they just want to take their time-probably lasts between under half an hour to an hour. 

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - It’s probably hard of them to be completely sure if they’ve been going at it repeatedly but really it’s all up to when one has had enough and the other will stop for the night. Or if the other doesn’t feel satisfied enough, they’ll easily come up with something quick to do. Overall, it’s just making sure that the other is satisfied at the end of the night!

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.  (Pickles accounts for like 80% of this, hands down-)

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? -  none-Pickles is a Trans Male is a theory I take to the grave but I do headcanon he got bottom surgery. Even if he didn’t, they’re both too old (fuckin rip), and raising children is way too much responsibility/commitment for their lifestyle and there’s probably that lingering feeling that they might get called to fulfill their roles again so it would be borderline selfish to put kids into trauma/danger. (Charles spent years basically raising man-children he needs the retirement haha)

How many children will they adopt? - I don’t think they’ll adopt either, for reasons I stated above. I kinda like to think that when they retire or move away from Mordhaus to create their own home, they become that couple that opens their home to whatever troubled teens/kids/young adults need a place to stay, no questions asked. They might end up fostering a teen or two or take temporary custody if a situation calls for it. It just never turns to an official adoption and if the kids stay for a longer period of time, they end up making sure they get put in a good foster/adoptive family. 

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Probably Pickles though the situations where he had to watch over a baby/toddler while their older sibling went to school/work was very few and far between (the dude lived through the 80s with hairspray and everything, no smell can get to him now-)

Who is the stricter parent? - I think it depends on the situation. Pickles can be a bit stricter than Charles surprisingly because there is no way you’d be able to lie or try and go behind his back. If he sees that a particular kid reminds him of himself, he may just be a bit stricter than usual and it has to be Charles to remind him that the kids are in good hands now. Besides that, Charles is definitely strict but fair. He’s just as hard trying to go behind his back and can actually ground them (he’s not even their legal guardian, they just know he can’t be messed with.)

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Charles definitely-But usually he’s the last to find out about it haha-

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Charles (though mainly he remembers to tell Pickles as he’s the one who has the time to make it in the mornings)

Who is the more loved parent? - They both are for their own reasons! Charles is loved for helping them with advice, homework, whatever they need and being the stricter parent needed for the troubled kids’ lives and Pickles is loved for being the laidback parent who genuinely takes interest in their interests and helps encourage them to follow their dreams.

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? Neither; both are too busy in their own lives. Charles tried once for the hell of it. He realized it was the most difficult meeting he had ever sat through, even hosting meetings for Dethklok. Never again.

Who cried the most at graduation? - Pickles; he’s especially emotional about it if it’s the most troubled kids that invited them. Very proud of all the kids who remembered them enough to invite them to their graduations.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Pickles-but he might fuck up in the process and Charles would have to bail them both out of jail-

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - There are klokateers for it but Charles does sometimes like to surprise Pickles with some of his favorite food!

Who is the pickiest in their food choice? - Charles; Pickles’ food palette is non-existent so he’s willing to eat anything. Charles? Not so much.

Who does the grocery shopping? - Neither; thank god for living in Mordhaus- (And even after that, they just hire someone to do it for them-)

How often do they bake desserts? - Fairly often, it’s become a pretty quick date night for them! They like to make macaroons, pies, or whatever they have their heart set and just enjoy the next few hours of getting some quality alone time.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - Meat all the way-

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Charles once again! Though Pickles does surprise with an anniversary dessert. It’s not really a surprise if they both know the other will cook them something but it’s the thought that counts!

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Pickles; while it’s fun having small dates inside, he definitely suggests going someplace else whenever they have the time. 

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking? -  Toki 

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - Charles cleans his own room, Pickles gets a klokateer to do it though recently he’s been cleaning his own room? Wow, Charles is rubbing off on him.

Who is really against chores? - Pickles; they can just hire help like the rich jackoffs, who the fuck needs to do chores?

Who cleans up after the pets? - They don’t have pets but it’d probably be Pickles.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Pickles but thank God he’s never really asked to clean much-

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Charles

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Whatever klokateer cleans mordhaus and/or their house--

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Charles; he knows self-care very well and often makes sure his schedule has a few hours to himself so he can do just that! Definitely has fallen asleep in the bathtub more than once but Pickles luckily memorized his schedule haha

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - They both would! By the time they adopt a dog, they probably both would have time to do it together :)

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - They hate the idea of it; probably hire klokateers or whoever to do it for them-

What are their goals for the relationship? - They just want to be able to complete the other without overstepping boundaries. There are probably things that both are afraid of bringing up or reminding the other. It’s no longer become a game of walking on eggshells because they have known each other for so long and know what their intentions will be. They aren’t going to change the other unless the other genuinely wants to change. They will simply help fill in the gaps the other lacks so naturally like they fit in together. 

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Pickles, not that Charles lets him anyway-

Who plays the most pranks? - Pickles but even then the pranks are pretty rare or more of ways to get Charles out of the office (’Hey Charlie, Nathan is tryin’ to sneak a whale in his room again’ But then it turns out that Nathan really tried doing that so who knows if it was even a prank-)

[dysperdis]

tw: traumablogging, talking about suicide & abuse, sexual trauma.

I need to get this shit out, in one big chunk, before I lose track of it.

I keep wondering why the fuck Beru decided to spend so long treating me like shit. Do they just hate me? Was I just a convenient target? Did they realize they'd let their mask slip in front of me & decided I needed to go? Why did the abuse start so immediately? 

Beru basically started moving in within a week after I said it wasn't fair of the two of them to jump straight into the "overly-obsessed new couple" stage of a relationship without so much as a heads up to the other two people involved with this relationship, long before I had any inkling that they were actually already fucking by that point. By week 3, the complaints were pouring in about how "unwelcome" I was making Beru feel by, say, insisting that they tell the other people living in the suite when they're going to spend the night before putting on their pyjamas and setting up on the couch, or letting me know to make food that Beru could eat without taking over the single bathroom in the house for most of the evening (& of course, they "didn't want to make extra work" by saying anything when I was asking them to simply let me know before I started making food!), or literally any frustration I expressed over my boundaries being ignored, all of which were delivered to me by Monica, not Beru, but very clearly as a result of Beru's complaints. I wasn't allowed to set any boundaries; I could be lying half dressed in my bed with Monica with the door shut having a conversation & Beru would invite themselves not just into the room or conversation, but *into my fucking bed* without so much as a word to me. These violations were constant, and at the same time I was pressured into doing more to facilitate the relationship, including chauffeuring the two of them around so they could go to Beru's apartment (did I mention yet that Beru lived alone, and could have been inviting Monica to visit them instead of invading my only available workspace & telling me that wanting to work there made me an asshole?)

The "sleepovers" happening at random most nights a week over that summer were undermining my ability to do any work for the upcoming events I was paying for table space at, space I shared with Beru because I wasn't confident of my own ability to fill a table & thought a "friend" might be able to help. I was explicitly told that wanting to work in the living room overnight for creative work when no one else was awake to use  it was an unfair attempt to monopolize and dominate the suite's common space. Even after I asked Beru to spend time away from the home  because I felt like the lack of boundaries was incredibly unhealthy for me, I still felt obliged to facilitate the relationship in ways that continued to deny me a chance to set any sort of healthy boundaries because of the previous months spent harping on how "unfair" I was being by expecting Monica to prioritize the relationship she was still referring to as her "Primary" relationship & the health of the partner she was calling "husband" over the happiness of her continuing affair with Beru.

I'm pretty sure I paid for 100% of all the tables, including the Canzine table Beru had entirely to themselves because I knew if I went I'd end up pulling out the zine I made to vent about how stressed I was about everything going on, and all of the gaslighting I was starting to notice even then but let myself ignore. I don't know if knowing the answers to any of this would help me, but it probably would help Monica, if it's not another thing she already knows and has been trying to deny while everything burns around her. But I'm not sure if I can ask without my bitterness making it sound like pure pettiness. I kinda wish I had gone to Canzine and taken the zine & let it all blow up then, I would have felt bad about it afterwards but I doubt it would have been anywhere near as terrible as I've been feeling for the last 2 years, but I  wasn't willing to toss 6 years away for someone who only inserted themselves into our lives so substantially a few months prior.

When I told Monica about my discomfort, that I couldn't have this person involved in my life, she acted like she understood. She made a new friend during this time, and started visiting them "going out for coffee" a lot. She kept finding excuses for why I shouldn't worry about giving her a ride, and finally she admitted that it was because she was still seeing the person she had cheated on me with, and pressured me into agreeing that it was "incredibly unfair" to demand she either stop cheating, or stop pretending to respect our relationship. She told me she wanted to work on our relationship, while targetting my insecurities to convince me that expecting honesty and respect for my boundaries was abusive, and that I was overreacting. Throughout this time, I was gradually scheduling my life more and more around when Beru wanted to see Monica; the solution Beru, Monica, and Liz decided on for "letting me get Beru out of my life" was to continue seeing Beru while never mentioning their name, or giving me details I needed to know how to schedule my own day-to-day life. If you ever wanted to know how someone could participate in abuse without actually directly interacting with them, well, there's you're answer- you continue as a shadow presence in their life while your fellow abusers take all the direct action. And, every time the subject came up, Monica didn't actually want to break up with me, and agreed to "work on things" (tell me how I needed to forgive her & stop ~getting in the way of her happiness~, but also maybe planning 2 or 3 "date nights" with me before getting distracted & falling immediately back into the same habits. At some point, she started using the insecurities she had learned about me thru the years to start convincing me that I needed her, and that I wouldn't be able to survive without her. She knew exactly what fears to prey on, and I believed her. Meanwhile, Monica had a whole new circle of friends, who Beru has been telling that the reason I can't stand to be around them is jealousy or some shit. I thought I was imagining the distain in their voices when they realized I was there, but no- Beru has been telling lies to them about me, and Monica is too concerned with them liking Beru to intervene, so now she's surrounding herself with people who don't like me and are enouraging her to dislike me.

As for Liz, she pretended to be a neutral party throughout, shutting me down any time I tried to bring up concerns about the effect Beru's shadow presence in my life by telling me "she's Beru's friend, too" so it was inappropriate to talk to her about it- even when I had literally just tried to kill myself for the second time in 4 days. I had long ago noticed that Beru seemed to get upset any time word got back to them about me complaining about the various issues I had with their relationship with Monica & the implications of my own & that when that happened, Monica started taking it out on me; between that and a desire to "protect" Monica- who was slowly but surely picking up a lot of Beru's cruelty and boundary issues- from judgement because a) she was the one who was doing most of the direct harm, even the stuff that was clearly initiated by Beru, and 2) Beru has a bit more social padding to protect them (a cutesy autistic dfab enby vs a recently-transitioned trans woman with a history of ~scary~ mental illness DXs). So I stopped talking to friends about my issues. I'm not going to go into details about the boundary issues except to say that being surprise face-fucked the first time I tried to give head at 14 by a dude who was loudly disappointed I didn't swallow is no longer the most traumatic sexual violation I've experienced.

Meanwhile, Monica (and to a lesser extent, Liz) were encouraging me to distance myself from my last remaining safety net outside of that garbage fire of a relationship because the idea of coming out to anyone in my family made them uncomfortable. So, instead of dealing with it, they turned anything that involved me interacting with my family at the house for more than 5 or 10 minutes into a sign that my boundaries with my family were still too weak, and I needed to make them stronger. I needed to not talk to my elderly grandma because of how stressful it was for me (mostly because I kept having scramble to come up with more lies about so many details of my own relationship, because being honest with someone who had no way of outting them to anyone they'd care about even if they were inclined to do so was too uncomfortable.)

By the end of the relationship, when Liz walked out the door with less than 24 hours actual notice of her move out date (and no, a single spoken sentence a week before to a person who was between back-to-back suicide attempts, trying to keep track of a 3rd person in the convo who was bouncing rapidly between mania and an extreme suicidal state, and also on T3 & a bunch of antibiotics with harsh side effects does not fucking count, no matter how much she pretends otherwise,) someone tried to get me to see her side by asking me if it didn't make sense that she was avoiding actually giving me anything that resembled a reasonable amount of notice because she felt "awkward" talking to me, and I fucking snapped.

Maybe if she had sucked it up and had one or two of those "awkward conversations" a little earlier, I wouldn't have needed to ask her to hide the pills so I didn't go through with the plans I had made to kill myself that night (I was literally double checking my math on the dosages when she got home). Instead, she pretended to be a neutral bystander in her own relationship, while taking advantage of my subservience and inability to set boundaries in most situations. Most of the private time I sought out with Monica ended up including Liz because I felt I wasn't allowed to say no to that, either.

I was accused of driving away my support network by calling out Liz and saying that any other abuse apologists who wanted to defend Beru to me could piss off with her, but I strongly disagree. Considering Liz part of my support network was a dangerous mistake that could have gone much worse, if she had decided to stay out a little longer or something that night, or had snuck to her room without me noticing (a common occurrence, I had taken it as a sign that I was still taking up too much space by existing in the common spaces of the house.)

Basically, all three of them were fucking awful to me over the last 2 years, and used any negativity I displayed about the situations they were putting me in to beat me over the head, telling me how "unfair" I was.

[unseenthewriter]

CHAPTER 3: TRANSGRESSIONS

Chapter 3: 2865 Words

Fic Total: 8214 Words

Series Total: 8214 Words

"Hey, Dunc." I said softly after sliding the door to his room open.

"Jay you are soaking wet." Dunc said and shut his laptop.

"Yeah, I was taking a walk." I replied.

"When it's pouring out?" He questioned.

"It wasn't raining when I started the walk." I replied while rubbing the back of my neck.

Duncan took a moment to process that. "But it's been raining for almost 3 hours now…" He trailed off.

"Long walk." I said with my voice cracking a little.

"Man you do NOT treat your body well." Duncan sighed.

He's not wrong. I sat down in the chair near him. "Look I uh… need your advice on something but I have to explain a lot of stuff first." I said.

"I mean you've already told me you're trans and all. What bigger secret could you have? You don't have a crush on me do you?" He asked.

"What! No!" I instantly shot down. I do totally have a crush on Duncan but I'm not admitting that to anyone anytime soon. Not even myself.

Duncan squinted at me after that quick denial. "What is it then?" He asked.

I explained the situation with my Mom and finding out about House being my Father. Duncan listened intently the whole time.

Once I explained it all to Dunc he spoke up. "Right so your Mom died a few months ago and you ran off to Princeton to find your Father and you found him." He summed up.

"Basically?" I replied.

"What advice do you need then because if you're thinking about running back to Minnesota I would very much protest to that." Dunc said.

"No, it's not anything like that. I just… House doesn't know I'm Transgender." I stumbled over my words.

"Right. So your options here are. One you tell him and risk being thrown out because he might be transphobic. Or two not tell him. Try to keep it a secret and when he eventually finds out risk being thrown out because you lied to him or he's transphobic." Duncan said.

"Yeah, those are the options." I grumbled.

"You said that Wilson and House are together right?" Duncan asked. "Not surprised by that at all." He added softly.

"Yeah? I don't see why that really applies." I said.

"Look you and I both know Wilson is a nice guy. And if he's you know…" Dunc trailed off letting me fill in that blank. "He might know the best way to approach this."

I blinked. A third option. I mean no matter what I do Wilson would also find out eventually anyway. You all live together-

Woah Jay don't jump to that. This could all still be very much a temporary reprieve.

But this IS a pretty good option. A lot less… Scary than straight-up approaching House. And the not telling option is just a bad choice overall really. "God I'm so glad you're my friend Dunc." I sighed in relief.

"Hey. Just because you're the genius doesn't mean you're not an idiot at times." He joked.

"Hey! You better not be calling your science tutor an idiot!" I protested.

"I didn't say you were an idiot at science. We'd both be in trouble if that was the case." Dunc said.

I laughed at that. "Thanks again, Dunc. You're like my… Relationship Filter. You know how people work I don't."

"Hmmm, shame I suck at science. Maybe I'd be a good therapist." Duncan replied.

"I wouldn't rule it out, man. You got Jay Flynn as your science tutor." I said and flexed one of my arms.

"Dude you are even lankier than me and I'm the one with cancer." Duncan laughed.

"I work out the muscle that counts." I huffed.

"Even I know the brain isn't a muscle." Duncan said.

"See! I am a good tutor!" I replied.

"Hey! Don't you dare move away from me being right about something science wise and YOU being wrong." Dunc protested.

"What? Sorry, can't hear you over my newly inflated sense of self-worth!" I exclaimed while walking out the door.

"I'm texting you about this you ass!" Dunc yelled to me as I shut the door.

I walked off with a smile.

~~~

The weekend passed with me not being able to get up the nerve to come out of the closet to Wilson.

Duncan, of course, told me that he's keeping my copy of Elder Scrolls Oblivion hostage until I tell Wilson. I would've tried to take it back but he's out of the hospital for now.

Teachers have of course noticed that I've been VERY distracted all day. I'm just not even sure how to bring this up. My Mom just found my binder one day making the whole situation out of my hands but this? This is very much all on me.

"Jay! You don't normally volunteer on Mondays. I wasn't expecting you." Wilson said after I walked into his office.

I sat down in the chair in front of his desk. Just tell him, Jay. Just tell him.

"You okay? You look really pale." Wilson commented.

It's fine Jay. Wilson is a nice guy. Probably the nicest guy you've ever met. That's including your old gymnastics coach who would sneak you ice cream every meet.

"Look I uh-" I tried to say what I wanted but couldn't. The words were just getting caught in my throat. My brain just wanted me to run. Getaway from this confrontation.

"Did something happen?" Wilson asked.

I looked up at him. He concerned now. God, you are REALLY screwing this up. "N-No I just." I paused and took a breath. "I'm Transgender." I finished softly.

Wilson blinked. He clearly didn't expect this. "I forgot how awkward this all was." He finally said with a bit of a fond smile.

Ah, right it's because he's Gay or Bi or something. "I-I um. I don't know how to tell House I mean. LGB people can still be transphobic and even other trans people!" I rambled without really realizing what I was saying before it was said.

Wilson chuckled. "He'll be fine with it."

"How do you know?" I asked.

"I'm a Trans Man." Wilson said with a shrug and went back to paperwork.

My brain once again hit a wall at 100 miles per hour.

Wilson is trans? God he must be stealth and… who knows how long he's been on testosterone! I never even expected. Not even a tiny bit.

I let my brain reboot. "So how do I tell House?" I asked.

"Being direct with him." Wilson said.

Yeah, Wilson is probably right about that. House doesn't seem like the guy who would respond well to any sort of indirect approach. Unfortunately, I'm absolutely terrible at confrontation I mean… This conversation with Wilson could've been a lot better.

Wilson was eyeing me. "Does House scare you?" He asked suddenly.

"What! No! I just um…" I trailed off. Sure House is a little intimidating but that's fine. Lots of people who look intimidating aren't that intimidating when you get to know them. I'm not sure if that's the case with House but that's beside the point. I can deal with intimidating people. On a surface level at least. But when I have to go deeper… I don't open up very easily. Nothing quite like the betrayal of opening up to someone and they then proceed to take advantage of that. Sure that probably means I have trust issues or something but is it really an issue if it's to protect yourself? "I'm not good at this stuff." I finished.

Wilson looked at me with a "yeah no shit" face. "You're both bad at it." He responded.

This is going to be a train wreck.

~~~

“I swear to God Bill I’ve told you 100 times I don’t fucking know how to fix TV’s.” I cursed as I was fiddling with the TV in the Doctor’s Lounge.

A cute blond guy with an Australian accent walked up to me. “You stealing our TV?” He asked.

I quickly turned around on pointe. “No trying to fix it.” I said.

He looked me up and down clearly noticing my Princeton Prep uniform. “You seem a bit young to be working for IT.”

“I’m a volunteer.” I sighed and tapped my badge.

The Aussie Doctor took a quick glance at my badge. “Jay Flynn… You’re House’s kid right?” He asked.

I don’t think I’m going to get used to that question any time soon. “Yes.” I said.

“Ah well, I’m Dr. Chase I used to be one of his fellows before he fired me.” Chase said causally.

I blinked. He what? I mean if Chase is still working here it’s not like he did something really bad so either he did something to piss House off or there wasn’t a real good reason. “Uh sorry, I guess?” I said.

Chase blinked. “It’s not like it was your fault. You’re not that much like him are you?”

I sighed. “He didn’t exactly raise me you know.”

“Hmm, I guess.” Chase mumbled. “Need help?”

“Not really but you can hand me that screwdriver over there I’m going to open this sucker up.” I said.

“Sure thing.” Chase said and threw it at me.

I caught the screwdriver. “What’s an Aussie doing in the US anyway?” I asked as I opened up the TV.

“House.” He said simply and sat down on the couch.

Ah, I guess that makes sense. “Seems like a bit of an ass to work with.” I said.

“Can’t even imagine living with him.” Chase joked.

“You ask Wilson?” I said.

“He’s biased.” Chase said.

“And I’m not? He’s my Biological Father.” I said.

“Well, it’s not like you were raised by him.” Chase said quoting me.

“Ah touché.” I said pointing the screwdriver at him before setting it down. Hmm so someone straight-up just totally went into this TV and wrecked it nice. “I guess I am stealing the TV.” I joked.

~~~

The next couple of days were full of Dunc and Wilson trying to sike me up to tell House. With different methods of course. Wilson was more supportive and understanding. Trying to calm my anxiety. Duncan on the other hand…

"Dude please stop holding my Spider-Man cosplay hostage. You are going to disappoint so many kids this Halloween!" I protested over the phone.

"You only have yourself to blame. You've had this whole week. You tell him tonight and I'll make sure the cosplay will be at PPTH tomorrow yeah?" Dunc replied simply.

Yeah, different methods… The thing is that Duncan KNOWS his method works well on me. This is probably like the 6th time he's done something like this. Wilson's method doesn't hurt, of course.

So now I'm sitting in the chair across from House's desk waiting for him to come back to his office. The large tennis ball was not helping me out. I want to mess around with it SO bad but that's not polite Jay. Not polite. Instead, I'm rapidly bouncing my legs. My eyes closed trying to keep calm.

"Aren't you normally half deep in a bunch of wiring by now?" House said while limping into his office and sitting at the desk.

My eyes snapped open. "Bill didn't need any help today." That was because of Wilson. He made sure I wouldn't have anything to distract myself with today. "Seeing the kids tomorrow for Halloween." I added on.

House raised an eyebrow. "You dressing up?" He asked.

Planning on it. If Duncan keeps up his end of the deal.

"I have a nice Spider-Man cospl- costume. Being able to do flips and stuff really seals the deal." I rambled while subconsciously making the web shooter hands. House probably has already figured out how big of a nerd I am but I really don't want to confirm that by saying cosplay.

"Why are you here?" He asked.

I stared at the tennis ball. Just tell him, Jay. You already told Duncan and Wilson! You can do it again. "I'm Transgender." I said keeping my gaze on the tennis ball.

"I know." House said making my head snap to him.

"How? Did Wilson?" I asked.

"No. I looked you up." House said turning to his computer pulling something up.

It was an online article about 13-year-old me quitting gymnastics because of my gender identity. I was on track to be Olympics level so it caused a little bit of a fuss 3 years ago. I bit my lip while watching the video of one of my balance beam routines. "Right that." I mumbled.

"Why the name Jay?" He asked.

My face flushed at that. "M-Mom always called me Her Little Blue Jay growing up. My eyes and all." I replied.

"Little Blue Jay huh?" He said.

"DON'T call me that. Blue Jay is fine just not the uh… Little part." I snapped.

"You're only five feet tall." House pointed out.

That's not the point. I know I'm short as hell and I'm mostly fine with that. "It's not that." I muttered and walked out of House's office.

Definitely could've gone better.

~~~

"Shouldn't you be in New York?" A little boy asked.

"Well Ethan, even superheroes need vacations." I responded while the kid's Mom took a photo of the two of us.

It's pretty nice not having to smile for pictures. Wearing a mask and all.

"Shoot some webs!" A little girl exclaimed.

"All out of web fluid at the moment." I sighed while tapping the replica web-shooters. A white lie of course. I can't actually shoot webs. "It's a long trip from Queens to here."

"How are you getting back then?" The girl asked looking pretty concerned.

Ah, think fast Jay. I looked around and spotted Wilson leaning on the door frame. I moved over to the girl. "You see Dr. Wilson over there." I said while pointing at him.

Dr. Wilson smiled softly and waved at us. I'm still not over the fact that he found a cape this morning and thought that was good enough for a costume. I'll have to find something that works for Wilson later. House could easily just have a Pirate costume or something. I can’t have those two be lazy on my favorite holiday.

"Now Rosie he's a real superhero. Helping all you guys get better. He's also helping me out and getting me some more Web Fluid." I finished.

The little girl's eyes widened and then she nodded in understanding. I smiled even though no one could see. Kids are pretty great. Not sure if I'd ever want any of my own but they are great nonetheless.

A few flips, poses and, conversations later I bid my farewell by saying Green Goblin was nearby or something. I was now in the cafeteria (mask off) trying to regain at least some of the energy I just burned. Kids while great do wear you out. Wilson soon sat on the chair across from me as I nibbled on my fries.

"You were fantastic with the kids." He said.

I leaned back a little in the chair I was in. "Ah only for short stints." I downplayed. "Halloween is my favorite holiday making it quite a bit easier today." I said with a bit of a smirk.

"Really?" Wilson said.

I nodded. "Which means your 'costume' is very disappointing to me." I said pointing a fry at him.

"The cape really is quite enough for me." Wilson protested.

"Mmm, that's quitters talk." I muttered.

We sat in silence for a while before Wilson spoke up. "Noticed you and House don't seem to be talking."

Of course, he'd noticed that. "Nothing really just a minor uh… disagreement. I'm sure it will blow over soon." I mumbled staring at my now empty plate.

"Oh? Things don't exactly blow over with House." Wilson pressed.

"House asked me why I chose the name Jay." I stated.

Wilson just looked at me. Expecting more explanation clearly. I poked at my mask. "Told him that my Mom called me Her Little Blue Jay growing up. I'm fine with people calling me Blue Jay but only she could call me Little Blue Jay. House didn't seem to understand I guess." I explained.

"Your Mother called you that so you don't want anyone else to." Wilson pieced together.

I nodded. There was ONE other person who I used to let me call that but… No. They don't deserve even a second of my thoughts anymore.

"You miss her a lot hmm?" Wilson said after a while of me sitting there lost in thought.

"What? Yeah, of course, I-" I said but stopped myself. "It's fine though I'm fine." I finished.

I'm putting up walls of course. It's only for my own protection! If I open up to Wilson or House and this doesn't work out I don't know what I'd do.

Wilson sighed clearly a little annoyed that I won't open up to him. "I'm here if you need to talk." He said.

"I know." I said while putting the Spider-Man mask back on. "See ya." I said and walked off while giving Wilson double piece signs.

AN: Jeez this chapter is all over the place. Is Jay cosplaying as Spider-Man a not very subtle way of saying I love the Trans Spider-Man headcanons? Yes for sure. Next chapter has more plot I swear to God.

[genderdysphoriablues]

29/9/’19

Today was my one Sunday out of the month that I am scheduled to work. Church is at noon. Work is at 1. I still wanted to attend what I could of church because I love it but it could take more time to come home and change, and there was no way in heck that I was going to wear a dress to work. Solution?

Why, wear a shirt and pants to church, of course.

I wore my black jeans and a nicer looking button down shirt with short sleeves tucked in, just to look a little bit more dressed up for church without going the full nine yards. Not too different from my normal wear, but also not so much just street clothes.

My parents were not happy about it, and I think we all would have been fine if they’d just accepted that it wasn’t going to be end of the world because the person they perceive as their daughter decided to not wear a dress to church probably for the first time since being born (at least, as far as they know).  But then my mom, right as I was walking out the door, decided to comment ever so passive-aggressively, “you could have work a skirt or a dress to work...”  After that I was very glad to be out of the house for a few hours because I needed to be away and work through that a bit.

So of course I didn’t mention to them that I was going to be wearing a bow tie as well.

I showed up to my own ward looking like a dude, and I loved it. I mean, I was a bit nervous, mostly because I wasn’t sure how people-especially my good friends-would react. But one girl that I don’t know too well actually asked if she could sit by me right before Sacrament Meeting started. My friends had come in almost late, and so had sat on the other side of the chapel, so I was alone. So she sat by me, and then after the Sacrament was passed her fiancee came and joined us. Not only that, but during quiet parts, or bits she found interesting, she actually would initiate conversation with me or comment to me. I think she could tell I was uncomfortable and nervous and decided to help me feel better by showing me that it didn’t matter what I wore, I was still her friend. She’s a good soul and I’m so glad there are people like her in the world.

I had to leave in the middle of the talks (one girl spoke about the love of our Heavenly Parents and even brought up the retraction of the 2015 LGBT policy, and let me tell you, the Spirit I felt was powerful). I was  initially going to take off the bow tie and untuck my shirt to look more casual for work, but I decided to keep it. Good choice, on my part, because I got a lot of compliments for it.

Work was quiet, just how it should be. I mean, it is a library, after all. Haha. But for real. We almost got all of the children’s books out, but we had to close up before we got to that point. I guess I’ll finish what I can tomorrow.

After work I went to the weekly study group with @closetmormon. It was good because I needed to be away from the house a little longer. Plus, I got to see my friends! We talked a lot about the gospel and of the changes that we hoped to see. One of the people there very sincerely talked about how she hoped we’d have a day where transgender men (her fiancee is a trans guy as well) would be able to hold the Priesthood. That hit me like a spiritual brick. It had crossed my mind before but I had never really had the strong desire to hold that authority. At least, I didn’t think so. But once she said that it was like, Yes. That’s something that I want, if God is willing that I should be able to do that. The thing about the Priesthood it that you cannot use it for personal gain-it is impossible. And as long as I’m surrounded by people who are worthy to bear that responsibility I will have access to its blessings and benefits. But if one day it were possible, how great would that be to be able to bless my family like that? Especially if I ever have children of my own.

At one point I was flipping my new balisong (yes, I was casually showing off), and Closetmormon’s roommate asked to see it. From that he showed me really cool videos about karambit combat, which lead to him asking if I’ve ever had knife combat training. When I said no, he left for a bit and came back with two practice knives, and then proceeded to show me how to use them. It turned into an extensive crash course where he taught me basic hand to hand and knife combat skills. It was awesome. He told me about how a class I could attend, and also offered to teach me more next time. I am looking forward to it very much.

I got home before my family did (they were visiting grandparents) so I did some dishes and watched some YouTube. I don’t normally do that on Sundays (the YouTube bit), but I needed some Vine compilations. I had also mostly calmed down about earlier and had texted my mom about two hours into the study group that I was there. She seemed happier too, which was confirmed when she got home. Our whole family can react to things pretty rashly and spontaneously, and my mom is no exception. She probably reacted the way she did without thinking and then later realised that it wasn’t that big of a deal. That’s been happening a lot with the whole me being trans thing. I mean, I understand: this kind of goes against everything she’s known her whole life, whether it is correct or not, and she truly and sincerely believes  that I will not find true happiness in transitioning. I guess one day we’ll see.