#i couldnt think of anything better than 'tear in my heart' and i am simply not going to use 'tear in my heart'

[tobyisave]

[kaz11283]

Where Were You

1) Dont You Say That....Not you

31) Your Alive

10) Where Were You When I Needed You

~~~~~

Ok so this was originally an ask but I goofed and just posted the prompts. So after saving them and trying to figure out what to write for the longest I have no idea who requested this because they were anonymous (so this is for you Anon if your out there)

Characters: you x Loki

Warnings: angst, fluff at the end, Loki being a slight asshat, hurt reader

Summary: You were Lokis only good thing that had happened in his life but when the hunger to rule over the kingdom gets the best of him and he fails where does that lead you? Your one love gone to never come back.

Announcement: I have been on a much needed LOA and after coming back I have been elbows deep trying to catch up woth everything going on at work. Was the trip worth it? Yes and i had some much needed time off with the fam and the babe. Would i do it again? In a heart beat. Did I miss work? Gods no but I did miss my little tumblr family that i have. So after a good bit of relaxing and my toes in the sand i am back!

I also wanna give a shout out to @high-functioning-lokipath for reading over this MULTIPULE times while I was freaking out about what to do!

Loki Masterlist

💚💚💚💚💚💚

~~~~~

"Loki!" You ran after him as he headed to the bit frost. "Please stop! You dont have to do this! You dont have to be someone that your not!"

"See that right there is the problem everyone seems to be having lately. Maybe this is who I am. Maybe this is who I want to be. After all Lady Y/n you are the one that has always told me that i could be anything I want to be. And I want to be king of Asguard." He said turning on you.

"Loki you are smarter than this! You are just upset about finding out who you truly are." You walked up to him and placed your hand on his cheek. You seen him almost give in before snapping back out of it.

"Ah yes, a frost giant? Someone who couldnt be loved by neither the family who abandoned me or the family that took me in." He spit the words at you.

"Loki, I love you. I have always loved you. You know that better than anyone." You grabbed at his emerald green cloak pulling at it causing him to turn around to face you with a cold look. You could tell that all emotion was gone at that point. You took a step away from him.

"You might love me but I have never truly loved you. You were mearly there to keep my bed warm at night" He said stepping closer to you. With the words came a cold creeping into your chest. Pain literally tore through your heart as they slowly sunk in.

You raised your hand and slapped him as hard as you could causing his head to jerk to the side. "Dont you say that, Loki Odinson, dont you dare compair me to one of your whores."

"Get out of my way." He said grabbing you by the shoulders and shoving you to the side. You crumpled to the cold stone floor moving your hand to your stomach as you watched the man that you had loved your entire life walk out the front of the castle.

You wasnt really sure how long you sat there crying when you looked up you could see the sun barly peeking over the horizon and you stumbled to your feet and slowly made your way back to the room you and Loki had shared.

Pushing the door open you heard a sniffle and seen Thor sitting on the bed, his head in his hands. "Thor?" He jump up off the bed and ran to you pulling you into him.

"Lady Y/n! I didn't know what had happened to you. I thought.... I thought that he might have done something before....before." He pulled you away to look at your face.

"Before what Thor?" He turned away from you a tear trailing down his face. "Before what Thor?!" You yelled.

"He fell." Your heart sank, emptyness filled you with the darkest feeling you would have never thought possible. You stumbled to the nearest chair and collapsed into it barely feeling the warmth of the fire that was slowly dying out. "I looked for you after. I couldnt find you, I thought that maybe he had done something, but I knew that he would never do anything to hurt you."

"Thor, I have to tell you something that not even Loki knew." You stared directly into the flames watching as they slowly died as the sun rose higher in the sky. "I was waiting till this was all over but now I wont get a chance to tell him." You take a deep breath and look up at him. "I'm pregnant. I am going to have his baby and he isnt even here to do this with me." You placed your head in your hands and started to cry.

"We will figure this out Lady Y/N. We cannot let father know but we can tell mother and she will help us." Thor said pulling you up from the chair and rushing from the room.

~~~~

Two years later

~~~~

You sat with your daughter in the all mothers garden waiting for your husband to arrive.

"Astrid, please dont chase the cat." You called watching her almost grab its tail. The almost two year old stopped to look back at you and giggle before taking off again. She was so much like her father with her black hair and green eyes along with her always trying to cause trouble.

"Lady Y/N, your husband will be arriving soon. He asked that you meet him in the throne room, but let one of the maids take the princess back to your living quarters." One of the guards called walking into the garden.

"She is always there to greet him when he returns. What could possibly keep him from wanting her there?" You asked as your daughter ran up to you giggling.

"Dada." She cooed clinging to your leg.

"He has brought a prisoner and he doesnt think that she should be there. He hopes that you will understand, and that once everything is said and done he will be able to spend some much needed time with his family." Your heart sank at the words prisoner. Leading Astrid to one of the ladies in waiting and kissing her head you promised you would be back soon. As you walked down the halls you could swear that you heard your heart hammering. As you opened the door to the thron room your eyes locked with Thor.

"Darling! I am so glad you are home." You said throwing your arms around his neck and kissing his cheek.

"I see it didnt take you long to find another prince to bed, my pet." Your blood ran cold as ice when you heard the voice from behind you. As you turned you looked at none other than Loki. Tears sprang to your eyes as you looked at him. He looked weak, thinner than you remembered almost sickly.

"I thought you died." You placed a hand over your mouth in shock.

"Seeing what has become of my once true love I wish I would have." He said looking between you and Thor.

"Loki, hold your tongue." Frigga said from across the room.

"But arent you proud mother? With me out of the way all your dreams came true it looks like." He said smirking looking back at you and Thor. You had grabbed ahold of his arm for support.

"Loki th-" The door had burst open at that point as Astrid came running to you and Thor a maid chasing behind her.

"Dada! Dada!" She threw herself into Thors arms as he picked her up.

"Hello my little love." Thor said kissing her and tickling her with his beard causing her to giggle. Loki stood observing, watching everything take place. He wasnt blind to the black hair that she had or the mischievous gint in her eye that he also had.

"Wow, stricking resemblance brother. She looks just like you." He grined looking between you and Thor.

"Loki, shut up." Thor said handing your daughter to you. "Why dont you take Astrid back to our quarters and I shall be there in a moment." He said kissing the top of your head.

"How sweet brother, a girl who simply rolls from one bed to another, and now a built in family. The girl must be about two now? How absolutly interesting."

You sat Astrid down next to Thor and walked over to the man that use to mean everything to you and stood right in front of him. "You, Loki Odinson, do not need to look, breath, or assume anything. Not towards my daughter."

"Interesting use of words dear my-" he was cut off by a sharp slap across the face.

"Come darling. Lets get you in the bath." You said opening your arms, your daughter running into them.

After you have made sure all the dirt was washed from her and she was nesseled into your bed nice and warm you sat by the fire with tears streaming down your face when Thor finally entered the room looking exhausted.

"Let me help you take your armor off. There is a warm bath for you also. Make sure the dirt is all off before climbing into bed, those are clean sheets." You stood walking over to him and undoing the straps that held his chest plate on.

"What did I do to deserve this kindness from you?" He asked placing his finger under your chin making you look up at him.

"You took me in, loved me after your brother couldnt, you have helped me raise a child that is not your but you let her call you dad. Me and my child both think the world of you Thor and honestly I couldnt imagine it without you in my life." You placed a hand on his cheek and brought him down to kiss him.

He leaned his head agintst yours and sighed. "You must go talk to my brother. He is down in the cells."

"What if I dont want to? What if I want to keep this happy little bubble that we have created?" A tear rolled down your cheek.

"If not for you or me, go talk to him for her." He said motioning over to Astrid who was snorring lightly in the middle of the bed. "I will look over her. For tonight and for always, it doesnt matter what happens tonight I will always love both you and her. And I know you will love me to but not as much as you have loved my brother." You were both crying now, you had decided two years prior that you would give this man what was left of your heart because the love of your life was gone but now? Now you were torn between the safty of being with Thor and the uncertainty of if Loki could ever love you the way he had before.

You kissed Thor on the cheek again making him promise to take a bath before going to bed causing him to laugh. "Yes I promise. Now go before I decide to keep you here with me." He handed you your dark blue cloak and shoved you out of the room.

Silently you made your ways to the dungeons under the castle not being noticed by anyone at this time of night, you pulled the hood up as not to be spotted by any of the other prisoners.

"I was wondering if you was going to make an apperance Y/N." Loki said, he was facing away from you his hands placed behind his back. "You've made quite the impression on my brother. Such a good impression that you two are married. Tell me dear is he as good as I was?" He asked turning to finally face you. You stood there shocked.

"Loki," you looked up at him. "This is not the time nor place for talk like that. I came here to ask what happened to you? I thought you had died."

"So you crawl in bed with my brother?!" He yelled hitting the shield between you and him with his fist.

"So I married your brother to save not only me but our daughter!" His jaw dropped at the admission. "Oh dont act so suprised. I know you know that she is yours. For norms sake she has your hair."

"I never thought you would admit it."

"I cant hide it Loki. Your mother is the one that came up with the plan for me to marry Thor."

"I bet father loved the fact that you were pregnant before the wedding." He said rolling his eyes.

"Odin would have killed us if he knew the secret!" You yelled, fire in your eyes. "Its not like you were around to protect us, to keep us safe. Your daughter has magic and is part Jötunn." He froze staring at you wide eyed. "Where were you Loki! Where were you when I needed you? When we needed you?" You screamed at him tears running down your face.

Neither of you had noticed Thor or Frigga talking to the guard in the shadows, neither of you had realized that the shield keeping Loki in his cell had been dropped until Loki had actually reached for you yanking you to his body. You clung to him like if you let go he would disappear all over again. You buried your face in his neck, his hair tickling your face as you felt his pulse aginst your lips for the first time in a long time. His hand was at the base of your neck as his face was buried in your hair, you felt his tears land on your cheek. He pulled back from you, both hands now on the side of your face as he wiped your tears away with his thumbs.

"I promise on all nine realms y/n I will never leave you or my daughter again. I promise that i will never leave you alone, I will always be there as I should have been in the begining of it all. You should not have had to go through alone." He leaned forward kissing you. You melted into the kiss, it had been forever since you had felt so connected with anyone like this. His lips were cool aginst yours as you both moved in perfect sync batteling for dominace over the other finally you gave into him. You pulled away slightly out of breath.

"I wasn't alone, I knew that I had a peice of you with me and i knew I wasnt alone at all. I knew you would come back. You always come back." You smiled at him.

"For you my queen, always." He said pulling you into his arms again whispering words of love.

Tag List:

@high-functioning-lokipath

@serpentargo

@drbaureid

@poetic-fiasco

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@rosaline-black

@jesuswasnotawhiteman

@natandersonnla

@delightfulheartdream

[hvllevator]

love me | n.jm

pairing: na jaemin x female reader

genre: angst, hanahaki!au

words: 3,1k

warning: mentions of throwing up

summary: he made flowers grow in your lungs and although they are beautiful, you couldn’t breathe.

a/n: that is my favorite quote ^ i have mixed feelings about this idk if i like it or. pls dont ask for part two because its meant to end that way! i couldnt find anything about jaemin’s favorite flower so i used his birth flower instead!

You always told yourself it wasn’t real, and that you simply took his kindness the wrong way. Another cough left your throat along with a flower petal, a Gladiolus to be exact, his birth flower.

“Y/N!” Jaemin called out, walking towards your way with a huge grin on his face. You returned his enthusiasm.

Jaemin has been your best friend ever since his parents decided to move in the house next to yours. Your parents were close to one another, which gave you and Jaemin the opportunity to get to know each other. He was always someone you can count on, someone you can lean on whenever you had problems, and someone who was there for you when you needed him. Everyone was fond of your close friendship, often hearing how perfect you were for one another. Some were shocked to find out you weren’t dating especially since they consider the two of you as soulmates which you only laughed upon.

“Hi Jaemin.” You greeted him as he took a seat on the empty chair beside your desk.

“Last year of high school, can you believe it?” He laughed, feeling quite elated that he was finally leaving this hell hole after many years.

“You’re saying it as if we’re graduating tomorrow.” You groaned, placing your head on your desk. Not wanting to deal with the rest of your surroundings for the whole day.

“Yeah, but it’s only ten months. I bet this will pass by in a blur.”

Jaemin was right, you barely realized that it has been three months since the first day of school. You were somehow surprised that you managed to get through the countless schoolworks that was given to you, of course with a little help from Jaemin and his friends. You were close with Jaemin’s friends, not as much as you were with Jaemin but you often hung around them since they were kind and Jaemin liked them.

You were having your weekly movie night at Renjun’s since it was his time to host. You were seated between Jeno and Jaemin, the rest of the boys around. You couldn’t help but feel droopy halfway through the movie, your head slowly started dropping on Jeno’s shoulder which Jaemin noticed. He shifted uncomfortably as he saw you get settled on Jeno, something stirred inside of him and he didn’t like it.

“I’ll take her.” Jaemin mumbled, placing a hand between your head and Jeno’s shoulder before moving it so that you were leaning on him instead. Jeno didn’t really pay attention to his actions since it was something he would usually do when it came to you.

You woke up shortly after, seeing how you were now laying on Jaemin’s chest and his arm was loosely wrapped around your waist. You cursed your heart for starting to beat fast at the way you were positioned. You glanced around the room to see the rest of the boys fast asleep. So, you didn’t make any efforts to move and you went back to sleep in Jaemin’s arms.

You didn’t know when it started, you didn’t know why it started. But whenever Jaemin was relatively close to you, your heart just decides to panic and thump against your chest. You shrugged it off most of the time, thinking that you were probably just flustered due to your lack of romantic interaction that even the simplest of gestures got your heart racing. However, it somehow felt different with Jaemin, like you were craving more from him.

“Y/N, guess what?” Jaemin suddenly came out of nowhere which made you jump in your seat. You were in the library studying for your upcoming exams and you glared at him for being too loud in a place where silence was observed.

“What?” You whispered back, not wanting to disturb the people around you as you tried to continue reading the words on your textbook.

“I told you to guess!” He frowned, ready to pull your book away from you, which you only slapped his hand away.

“I’m terrible at guessing.” You rolled your eyes, turning the page of your book.

“True. Okay so, Na Jaemin has a date.” He boasted. Your breath hitched, actions halting when you heard his words. Why were you so affected if Jaemin goes on a date? You were too scared of finding the answer out.

“So we’re referring to ourselves in third person now?” You dully responded though your head clouds with thoughts.

“Did you hear what I just said?” This time he succeeded in peeling your book away from you.

“Congratulations someone finally said yes to your ugly ass.” You remarked, collecting all your belongings and getting ready to leave since you couldn’t handle being in front of him right now.

“Excuse me according to the ladies, they would die for me.” He wiggled his eyebrows, and you mentally curse him for being so attractive.

“That’s stupid.” You mumbled, not wanting to hear more information about his date.

“Stop.” He whined, grabbing hold of your wrists which made your heart, once again, race at the thought of being so close to him. “Be happy for me.” He pouted.

“I-I am.” You let out before shaking off his grip and sliding your bag on your shoulder. Mumbling a small goodbye before leaving him alone in the library which had him question why you were so hastily of leaving.

After Jaemin went on the date, it was all he would speak of. Telling you how cute his date looked when she giggled or how beautiful she looked when she smiled and quite frankly you were getting annoyed.

“Jaemin, that’s great but can we please talk about something else? At this point I feel like I was the one who went on a date with her.” You rubbed at your temples, not meaning to sound rude but you just couldn’t help your mouth.

Jaemin’s smile fell off his face. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, just, it happened three days ago and my ear is about to fall off if I hear one more thing about how she talked.” You were both lying in your bed, your head dangling off the edge with his body beside you. You felt heated whenever his arm would brush against yours and you’re practically laughing at yourself for setting the bar so low that even the simplest touch had you blushing.

“I get it. So, uh, how are you?” You almost scoffed at the way his sentence tumbled out of his mouth. Why was he suddenly feeling awkward?

“I’m fine. Thanks for asking. Our exams are coming up soon, aren’t you worried?” You turned your head to look at him.

“Nope.” He smiled, which made you relieved to see he got his charm back. “Because I have you beside me.”

You knew he meant it in a —let me copy off of you— way and you blame yourself for assuming his words meant something else.

“Yeah.” You cleared your throat. “I’ll always be.”

Jaemin finally asked the girl he is dating to be his girlfriend and your stomach felt uneasy when you found out. You showed him the reaction he wanted, which was to be happy for him. Of course you were happy, you just couldn’t help the displeasing pit that was forming inside you. You realized that you indeed have feelings for him and you would be lying if you said that finding out he has a girlfriend didn’t smash your heart into pieces. You loathe yourself for only realizing how you felt towards him when he was finally with someone he likes. You would never ruin his happiness, so you made no efforts in telling him how you felt. You often witnessed the two be all lovingly together, and it made you sick, literally, your throat felt itchy whenever they held hands or whenever she would cuddle up against him. The boys also noticed how you started to lose weight, and how your lips were often chapped. You were also worried for your well-being since you didn’t have a clue on what was happening until one day.

You felt bile rush up your throat, making you run to the toilet and puke all over. Except it wasn’t the food you ate earlier, it was petals of Gladiolus. Panic seeped through your veins at the sight of the petals in the toilet. You knew what they meant, everyone does. You screamed in pain, cursing yourself for forgetting something that was crucial in your life. Tears slipped from your eyes, flushing the toilet so that you wouldn’t see the mess you created. You cleaned yourself up before climbing in bed. You sobbed that night, feeling incredibly stupid for not preventing the situation earlier. You didn’t know what to do, you didn’t want to tell your parents about your reckless choices, yet you can’t keep suffering because of it.

You ended up seeking Jeno for advice, along with the rest of the boys. You told them about what was happening and what you were feeling. Pity flashed in their eyes as they watched you speak, genuinely feeling sorry for what you’re going through.

“Y/N... you know what that means right? You won’t get better unless...” Jeno trailed off, not really wanting to finish his statement.

“Unless he likes me back, I know.” You groaned, your hands running over your face.

“Or-“ Chenle started but you cut him off immediately

“No.” You sternly said, almost glaring at him.

“I haven’t even-“

“I know what you’re going to say. I won’t get surgery.”

“But Y/N,” Chenle sighed, careful eyes on you.

“I can’t and I won’t. I would rather live with loving him, rather than never being able to love him.”

You stood by your words, though you weren’t feeling any better. In fact, you grew even more weak, and Jaemin noticed that. You barely showed up in school due to you staying at home and coughing up a storm. Your parents eventually found out about your condition and even offered to talk to Jaemin’s family about it but you wouldn’t let them. You were having difficulties in breathing, the flowers scratching up your lungs. It hurt you, quite a lot. Yet you were too stubborn to give up your feelings.

Jaemin visited you unannounced, making sure there were no traces of flowers anywhere before letting him in your room. He saw how skinny you got, how your eyes looked like they lost life.

“What’s going on with you? Are you sick? Do you need to go to the doctors?” He asked the second he laid eyes on you. You shook at his words before giving him a reassuring smile.

“I’m fine, Jaems, just a fever.” Your throat was betraying you the longer you looked at him, wanting so bad to cough up another petal or so, but you swallowed it in, not wanting him to suspect anything. He seemed like he believed your words, deciding to drop the subject since he might offend you and offered to watch a movie. Feeling bad for turning him down, you agreed to watch a movie. The rest of the night dragged on awfully slow and your throat was on fire. You were sure that a bouquet was ready to come out of your lungs, Jaemin being so close to you didn’t help your condition not one bit, especially when he offered to cuddle but you turned him down, not knowing what would happen if you let yourself be vulnerable knowing he was in love with someone else. Excusing yourself, you rushed to the bathroom, ejecting every bit that was stuck in your stomach. Your eyes widened at the sight of a full flower laying on top of the petals. You were getting worse.

Jaemin ended up leaving that night earlier than expected due to his girlfriend constantly ringing his phone. He apologized countless times before leaving you alone, with petals surrounding yourself once again.

“I-I can’t be friends with you anymore.” Jaemin dropped all of a sudden and you had to stop your jaw from actually dropping. You stared at him as if he had three heads.

“What?” You frowned, shocked from his confession.

“You heard me.” He bit on his lip, his eyes looking everywhere but at you.

“I hear bullshit.” You snickered, ready to forgive him for his stupid joke.

“I’m serious.” You scanned his face for any emotions yet he looked dead serious, this wasn’t the Jaemin you knew and loved.

“Is it because of her?” You scoffed when he failed to respond to your questions. “Wow, Jaemin.” Huffing, you crossed your arms against your chest and stared at him in disbelief.

“Don’t bring her into this.” He argued, making you even more agitated.

“You’re willing to throw out friendship away because your girlfriend told you?”

“It’s not like that.”

“It is. Whatever. Fuck you, Jaemin.” You turned your back to him, getting ready to walk away.

“She’s sick, Y/N.” He let out when you began to walk.

You halted in place, turning to face him once again. “Oh? And what does that have to do with me?” You raised your brow at him.

“She told me she was puking flowers.”

You felt like the wind knocked you over because your knees felt like jelly when you processed his words. “W-why would she? Don’t you love her?” A glimmer of hope shined inside you.

“I do.” Glimmer of hope ruined. “And she said she’s sick because she assumed that I had feelings for you instead of her.”

“Do you?”

“N-no.” He shook his head. That was the last straw for you.

“Well then, I hope you’re happy with her.”

You sat on the hospital bed, cladded in the usual white gown that you hated. You were preparing for surgery, more like your parents forced you but you didn’t spare no effort into arguing anymore. Jaemin’s intentions were very clear and you couldn’t just stand hurting yourself over someone who wouldn’t see your worth. You talked to the boys before you got admitted, and you made them promise to never tell Jaemin about your condition, which they agreed upon. You closed your eyes, waiting for your name to be called so that you could end your suffering.

“Babe? You okay?” Jaemin’s girlfriend asked him, seeing as he was out of his thoughts.

“Hm?” He looked up to face her. “Yeah, how bout you? Still coughing up... petals?”

“Oh! Not anymore.” She shook her head and brightly smiled at him, a sight that Jaemin used to love but now seemed unaffected by it.

“May I ask what kind of flower you got?” He watched as she hesitated before speaking.

“Uh, roses.”

Your surgery was over before you knew it. You were glad that you no longer felt the heavy feeling on your chest. Your mind subconsciously drifts to the fact that you’ll never be able to look at Jaemin romantically ever again, the thought bringing sadness but you pushed it aside anyways.

Jaemin asked you to meet with him, at the playground you two often hung out in. You agreed, meeting at the planned location. Seeing him on the swings, deep in thought. You crept behind him before suddenly placing your hands on his shoulders, making him jump in fear. Laughing, you sat down on the swing beside him.

“I’m sorry I was a terrible friend, and I have no excuse for the way I acted except for the fact that she manipulated me. I missed you.” He admitted, turning his head to you.

“I missed you too, Nana.” You smiled at him which he returned when you called him by his infamous nickname. Willing to forgive him since you didn’t have it in your heart to hold a grudge against him, to hold anything against him really. His stomach churned at the sight of you brightly smiling at him. “What’s on your mind?”

“She lied to me.” He bluntly responded, kicking at the pebbles in front of him.

“What?”

“She was never sick. She told me her flower was roses.” He hung his head, not daring to face you. “Roses! I don’t even like roses.”

“I’m sorry, Jaemin.” You frowned, wanting to reach up to him and comfort him.

“Don’t be because. I realized who I really love.”

“No...” You whispered, watching as he stared at you like you were the most precious thing in the world. You were dreading his incoming words.

“I love you, Y/N. I’m so stupid for only realizing now but I feel like I have known for quite some time and I never plucked the courage to tell you.” He smiled at you, not noticing your troubled expression

“Jaemin,” You shook your head, standing from the swing as tears began brimming in your eyes. “I can’t love you.”

“W-what? Why not?” He dropped his smile, standing up to face you. His height completely towering over you.

“Because you made flowers grow in my lungs.” You stared at him through your tears. A sudden breeze embraced your skin, adding more tension in your body. “A-and I underwent surgery just to remove it.”

“How long?”

“A couple months.”

“And you never told me?”

“You were in a relationship, Jaemin.” You defended.

“But I would’ve dropped it for you!” He gestured his hand in exasperation.

“How was I supposed to know?!” You argued back, fully aware of the tears streaming down your face.

“That’s so unfair, Y/N.” He glared at you though he was anything but mad at you, in fact he was more livid at himself for not noticing. For not noticing the way you would frown whenever he talked about his ex girlfriend, for not seeing how weak you grew the past few months because he decided to turn a blind eye.

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.” You went to reach up for his arm but he retracted before you could even graze his skin. He ran his hand through his hair before covering his face.

“Can you go? I don’t think I can speak to you right now.”

You felt sorry, you really did. Not thinking of how your decision would affect both parties. You listened to his words, leaving him alone in the playground that used to be so lively but now just seemed empty.

Jaemin let out sobs that were choked back, screaming loudly which startled the birds around him, even kicking on the swing set which just hurt his foot but he could care less. Especially when he felt like something was clawing up his throat. He gasped for air before hunching over and hurling.

There laid on the ground, petals of your favorite flower.

[words-for-holland]

Happier (7) | T.H.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Y/N ultimately makes a choice that might just change the game. Tom is out with Natalie and LOTS of questions are asked. Is Unknown back for more mischief?

A/N: Wow 7 already?? Thanks again for the support!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Masterlist

Choices

No one goes through life without have to make choices. Sometimes, the choice is easy, but other times it becomes the most difficult, nervewrecking thing one can come across. The worst part...there’s no one to blame but yourself if you choose wrong. The day Y/N broke up with Tom was the most difficult and heartbreaking choice she could have ever done. But what would you do if you were given the option of saving everything your boyfriend had worked for his entire life and breaking both your hearts for a time being?

Now as Y/N lays in bed, surrounded by darkness and her two friends, she is left with another difficult choice. “This was your home. Your real home is in London with us.” Harrison’s words repeat in her head. “So what do you say?”

Her mind reminisces to every amazing moment she’s had in London. All the laughter, adventures, and love she’s shared with every one; it was everything Y/N could have wanted. Then she thought of Tom, and how her feelings were amplified with him. He made her feel more alive, but now miles and hearts apart, life was lifeless. The bad memories start to flood, reminding her of why she was back here in the first place.The messages, the media...Natalie. It made her sick to a point she had to get out of bed and go to the bathroom in order to cleanse away the energy.

As Y/N washed her face and looked in the mirror, she couldnt help but notice something strange in her reflection. “Yes, that’s exactly how you look when you’ve been betrayed and heartbroken.” A voice spoke out. Y/N displayed a look of confusion. It certainly wasn’t Harry or Harrison voice. The voice was femine. In fact...it sounded a little bit like...

“Hello? Earth to Y/N! I’m right here!” The voice exclaimed, as Y/N turned around to the sink and saw a version of herself.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Y/N screams, backing up and hitting the cream colored wall.

“Calm down. It’s just your concious.” Y/N’s subconcious, casually stated as she took a sip off a nonexistant champagne glass. She was definitely dressed more classier than Y/N and her attitude was straight to the point. Traits Y/N had always wished she had.

“I definitely must be losing my mind.” Y/N shakes her head, her face plastered in disbelief. She takes a seat on the floor and starts to cradle her head.

“Oh sweetie, you’re not losing your mind. You just need help making another big decision in your life.” Her subconcious smiles, sitting down properly as she plays with her glass.

“Yeah...and where were you when I was breaking down because I had to choose leaving Tom or saving his career?” Y/N challenged as she picked her head up to look at her fiery clone.

“Well, I was hoping you’d have made the right choice then, but clearly looks like you’re incapable of doing that... so here I am.” Y/N’s subconcious gestures with a smile. “So? What’s it gonna be? Staying here or London with your man?” She asks fliratiously when she indirectly mentions Tom. “Here’s a hint. If you’re choosing to stay here, you’re choosing wrong.”

Y/N glares at her subconsious, her eyes filling up with annoyance. “Are you serious right now? After everything that’s happened...you want me to go back to London? God, I feel like a broken record. Why doesnt anyone get it?!”

“No, I think the real question is why dont you get it?” Her subconcious snaps. She stands up and moves closer to Y/N staring into her eyes, as if she was pulling out an inner truth. “You know that whole relationship is a ruse. You know Tom still loves you, and you’re the one spending all this useless time, trying to find an answer that you and I both know.”

Y/N stares down at the tiled floor, eyes welling up with tears. Her subconcious continues, “if you’re still thinking about those stupid messages and Unknown, just stop. Stop the bullshit. At some point in your life, you’re going to have to face the fear, the insecurities, and the threats. It’s a part of your life, and if you let that stop you, you’ll be miserable like this for as long as you live. Think about it.”

With a snap of her fingers, her subconcious disappeared and Y/N was left alone in the bathroom. The time ticking away as she stood silently deciding her future.

Back in London, Tom and Natalie had been give a stunt to pull off at the Kingston Farmers Market, where on even the rainiest day, the small quaint shops display their finest produce and trinkets. As the lovely couple make their way down the streets, Natalie wraps her arms around Tom’s as she snuggles into his neck to keep warm. Tom smiles at the gesture, but those that knew him, could easily point out it was the smile reserved for work.

As they walk hand in hand, Tom observes all the small stands and their beautiful displays, but one stopped him in his tracks completely. It was a small sweets stand that showcased their finest desserts and pastries. He remembered it very well from 3 years ago. After all, this was the exact spot where Y/N and Tom had their first date.

He rememebered the stroll they took as they walked down the cobbled road with all the wooden stalls lined up on each side. How Y/N ‘s tiny hand had fit perfect in his, fingers laced together, as they lightly swung back and forth. Tom could hear her laughing as she was telling him a story about her embarassing moments with her childhood friends. He remembered listening intently and smiling back, telling Y/N she was something else in the best way possible. Tom remembered how she stopped at this very spot, where he and Natalie now stood today.

“Do you want to take a look?” Tom asked, smiling as he saw Y/N looking at the desserts and pastries as if they were her first love. “You’re practically drooling.” He joked, only to get a slight shove from her.

“Am not!” Y/N laughs, keeping her eyes focused on the desserts. “Just admiring the view.”

“Ouch. Here I thought I was the view all along” Tom responds, putting a hand on his wounded heart. A moment of silence passed, but it was anything but akward. They smiled, looking into each others eyes. Tom took notice of every little detail that made up her delicate, soft face. He took her hand again as he lead her to the stall. “C’mon, lets see if we can find something to satisfy that sweet tooth of yours.”

As the two looked carefully at the display, one caught his eyes. It was big enough to share, shaped in a heart, and the best part...covered in chocolate and whipped cream. “How cheesy.” Y/N says as he picks it up.

Tom froze, his cheeks turning a slight pink. “Is it?”, he questions as he was about to put it back until Y/N stopped him.

“Cheesy, but in a good way.” Y/N says as she takes the pastry and hands it over to the cashier. Tom smiles at her, letting out a soft chuckle as he pays for it. They split it in half as they took a big bite, making sure to get every element of the pastry. It was soft, sweet, mushy, and crunchy all that the same time. As they each pulled away from the dessert, Tom noticed a little bit of cream lingering at the top of her lips. “You got a little something there.” Tom laughs pointing to where it was.

Y/N tried to lick it off, unsuccessfully as Tom shakes his head. He comes in closer leaning in as his lips touched hers, making an effort to wipe off the cream. Their lips lingered for a few seconds, slowing and reluctantly parting away. He could never forget how soft her lips were, and how a thousand butterflies exploded the moment he first kissed her at that very stand.

“Better?” She asks as she looks down, hiding her rather giddy smile.

“Better than I could have imagined.”

It was in that moment, Tom had woken up from his daydream of the past. “Tom! C’mon! You could at least act like you’re interested in me for the cameras.” Natalie snaps him out, showing evidence of annoyance. She grabbed his arm again as they walked towards the sweet stall, tainting the memories of Y/N and Tom’s first date. Natalie’s face softens as she looks at the display and then looks at Tom as he eyes the one pastry. “Look I’m sorry. I didnt mean to lash out like that. It’s just..I’m really trying to help you get over this and make you feel better, while being in this situation, but you’re not really helping me out here.”

“I’m sorry Natalie. Im just...not really feeling up to this.” Tom admits as he looks at Natalie with a solemn smile.

Natalie rolls her eyes, as she hears the same response from him for the 50th time since the fiasco happened. “Tom, I get you’re still heartbroken and all I told you Im trying to be here for you, especially since Harrison and Harry are god knows where. But I need some effort on your end. Plus you did agree to do the PR.”

Tom looks at her with digust, glaring into her dull brown eyes. “Only because your publicist threatened me pictures of Y/N and some bloke she was with!”

Natalie crosses her arms listening to Tom as if it wasn’t a big deal. “You mean her new boyfriend? And my publicist never threatend you. She just...simply stated facts.”

“He isn’t her boyfriend!” He says as his voice starts to boom with anger. “And I was stupid enough to believe it and wait for Y/N to say it herself. She told me your publicist worked with Y/N’s friend and sent it in...Is it true?”

Natalie looks at him, frozen with fear, her top lip shaking just a little. “You know? She called you?” She asks.

“It doesn’t matter if she did or didnt. Is it true?” Toms asks again.

“I don’t know Tom. I know only as much as you during that meeting. And why would you believer what comes out of her mouth. Maybe she’s playing you. She broke your heart and I dont see why she wouldn’t do it again by manipulating you with facts that could or couldn’t be true.” Natalie speaks out as she continues to look away. “C’mon the paparazzi are here.”

Tom looks at her in disbelief, scoffing at her response. He drops his arm from her hands as he walks away. Natalie stands there watching him, as she felt her phone vibrate.

Unknown

Pushing him away, pushes away your dreams ❤️

Natalie stares at the notification, her face turninng pale as if she had seen a ghost. This wasn’t how the game was supposed to work, and yet here she was. She knew exactly what the text meant and perhaps even worse...knew exactly who it came from, which made it all more impossible to fight back.

A few days had passed, and Tom comes down to the kitchen to see Harrison and Harry entering the house setting down their luggages and bags. “And where the hell did you two divs go?” Tom questions them, evidently pissed off that they both went somewhere without a word. He was ready to say more when he saw Y/N walk through the doors with her baggage in hand. To say he was surprised was an understatement. In fact he was shocked, over the moon. He discreetly piched himself to see if he was dreaming. He certaintly was not. Y/N was here.

“Y/N” was all he could manage out. “I..I..”. It had been months since he last saw her, and yet she still looked beautiful even if she had no makeup and showed signs of distress. It broke his heart immensely to see her in this state.

“Dont get too excited. Im only here cause Harrison and Harry wouldn’t leave me alone if I didnt come.” Y/N grumbles as she brings her stuff in.

Natalie heads down the stairs to join the group, eqUally as shocked to see Y/N back. “Oh...you’re..you’re back.” She states nervously and clearly annoyed. Everything they had set up was no longer going according to plan.

“I am. I’m gonna go set my stuff up in the attic.” Y/N speaks out as she awkwardly makes her way upstairs.

“You know what. I’m sure you boys have a lot to talk about, so I’ll just make my way to my room.” Natalie quickly says, disappearing from the room.

Tom, Harry, and Harrison were left in the room. All three staring down at each other. “You went to see her?” Tom spits out. “And didn’t tell me?”

“Tom. We need to talk.” Harrison says as he sits him down ready to speak out on everything that has been waiting to be brought to light.

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts​ @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave​ @ifntelyinspirit @trumpettay @astridcommings @parkershoco @racewife2004 @sleepybesson @greatpizzascissorstaco @andievgs @joyleenl @holland-bowen @in-a-lot-of-fandoms-tbh

[dysfunctionalnerd]

I was wondering ... how would Randall react to Evil! Layton? or Monocle! Layton(by the way your drawings are amazing!)

ahhh thank u so much!! that means so much to me ;u; oh my GOSH MONACLE LAYTON!!! i havent thought about him organically in too long sksksks

well so ok if i had to make layton evil at any point in time, the way id do it would be after unwound future. it would be about 2 years after he found randall, but in this scenario he never worked up the courage to call randall or go back and visit after he left Monte D'or so abrubtly, which means losing that friendship was already weighing on his heart. so then after UF, losing claire and luke in the span of the same week... its too much for him. Crying in his room one night, he says "so this is it then? am i destined to always lose the people i love? i will simply never love again." and he snaps. he gets cold and distant, doesnt allow the kindness of others to reach him. all he wants now is vengance, and this man has been wronged by soooooo many people.

The only person still living with him is flora at this point. at first she lets things slide. things like seeing hersh withdraw into his study for too long, or drink too late into the night. but then she notices he stays in his room for days at a time, clearly working on something, but he gets so rude when asked about what. shes always met with answers like "its none of your concern" or "dont ask questions you're not prepared to hear the answer to", until one day she really puts her foot down. Demands to know whats going on. Shes so worried. But hershel screams at her to go away. an ugly, terrible yelling nobody deserves. and its so cold she just,, runs away crying. she cant think of anybody to reach out for help. she doesnt know anybody, she was never allowed to go out and make friends.

until she remembers the stories luke told her about the man they saved in Monte D'or, and she remembers how softly hershel would smile the precious few times he mentioned he name randall.

so she pulls up a phone book and looks up a Randall Ascot. Its not hard considering he owns an entire fucking town. shes crying and scared and alone, and when randall picks up the phone, he is of course concerned. hes never met this girl, but nobody should by crying this much, and then his heart breaks when he realizes its hershel who did this. He was always hurt by how hershel never said goodbye, and never called again to rekindle their friendship. at first he doesn't want to come over, but flora begs him.

"please, randall, you have to help. I know i hardly know you but... nobody else can reach him, i just know it".

so he grabs the nearest train. tells flora take take it easy at a bougie hotel for a night while he makes the trip over, pays for everything ofc. the two meet up. randall falls in love with this girl in .5 seconds (yknow in that "ive only met this girl for 10 minutes but if anything were to happen to her id kill everyone in this room and then myself" kind of way). They decide to just go to hershels flat and knock. he doesnt answer. they knock again. nothing. randall gets worried. he breaks down the door, shouts for hershel. Nobodys there. the place is empty. they enter hershels study to make sure, but what they find horrifies them. a GIANT charlie kelly style board with a bunch of pictures of different people, mostly people connected to bill hawks, and red lines connecting them stand before the two, and they both know in their gut its a hit list of some kind.

so they run to parliment or whatever building it is those goverment people all stay in, hoping its not too late, hope maybe their suspicions arent true. Theyre horrified when they reach the front steps and theres no guards or anything. sirens are blaring. they run down the halls. injured soldier's and police are telling them to turn back, its not worth it, this man is unstoppable.

"please dont let it be hershel, please dont let it be hershel."

flora stops when they reach the big door. she looks up at randall, crying. "im sorry... but i cant go in. i dont want to face him like this."

randall hugs her, reassures her. tells her its ok to wait by the entrance, that everything will be ok.

Flora rushes off, and randall takes a deep breath. He opens the door where bill hawks office is supposed to be. Randalls heart sinks. in the big chair is hershel, a sword covered in red, and tied to chains too close to the fire place is a beat up bill hawks.

hershel greets him coldly, like strangers.

"ah hello there. im sorry, but the prime minister cannot assist you today. please come back later."

"hershel, what are you doing??? that sword.... have you??"

"killed someone? no..." he hops off his chair and points his sword to bill hawks, far too close to the neck. "no not yet. but if youd like, you can join me for the first one."

Randall picks up a pipe or something close to him. "i cant let you do this hershel... i know youre better than this."

"ah, but you see, thats the thing." his blade lightly touches bills neck. "i could be, but then... whats the point?" then he scoffs, and pulls his sword away, pointing it towards randall in a battle stance. "never mind, you could never understand."

and he charges. AND THE EPIC SWORD FIGHT BETWEEN HERSHEL AND RANDALL THAT WE WERE ROBBED OF COMENCES! Randall, between parrys, is in total disbelief. "Hershel, stop it! i know how youre feeling, but this isnt the solution! youre tired, and scared, and unbelievably hurt. youre in so much pain... this isn't going to end that pain!"

clink, parry

"you couldnt possibly know what im feeling. ive lost everyone. but its no matter."

for a moment it looks like hershel is about to pin randall down, but he swoops away at the last minute.

"No, please hershel, you cant think like that!! youre not alone!! not anymore!! You didnt give up on the masked gentleman... let me return the favor!"

hershel gasps at this, and hesitates. its enough for randall to knock hershels sword out of his hands, and pin him to the ground. Hershel is afraid, his eyes are wide.

"r-randall, stop it!! leave me alone!"

"no!" randall throws the pipe he fought with aside. "not until you make things right!" he starts crying, his tears spill on hershels shirt. "not until i get my best friend back..."

hershel can't take it anymore. He screams, and starts crying uncontrollably. that ugly crying you reserve for your worst moments, and randall softens his grip on hersh, changes it so hes hugging his friend. And hershel just cries and cries and cries.

"i... i just dont want to live like this anymore..." he sobs.

"hershel.... oh hershel, im so, so sorry."

and they continue to cry. eventually randall asks what happened, how it got to this. hershel explains the events of the last few years. how luke left. how bill hawks sent men to beat him to an inch of his life 8 years ago, so really this is just him returning the favor. they talk it out.

"hershel... you owe flora an apology"

and hershel starts crying even more. "oh no, how could i do this to her?? im a monster..."

"nonsense! shes just worried about you, we all just want you to be ok. give her time, you two will be ok."

so slowly, randall convinces hershel to take his hand and walk out before some real irreverasble damage is done. they dont untie bill tho :) hershel comes face to face with flora at the entrance. starts stuttering some words, but jever gets around to saying anything bc flora hugs hershel so tightly, and cries into his chest. "professor i was so worried..."

"i.... im so sorry...."

and thats it!! the police dont do anything bc i dont believe in them, hawks eventually gets voted out. they all go home and randall decides to stay with hershel until he find a therapist. then decides to stay with him until he starts smiling again, then because i mean whos gonna help out with flora?? and then bc honestly hershel, this place is a mess! and then,,,,, well,,,,,, yknow,, 👀👀

[safebubblebycyg]

jegulus (jamesxregulus) on- telling people! fight me, i like the ship:

sirius:

☆ he was the second person they told

☆ "you're- you're what???"

☆ "pads, are you deaf? we're dating"

☆ sirius was shocked to say the least

☆ regulus immediately regretted saying anything

☆ "james, why couldnt we have just left it at remus, i knew this was a mista-"

☆ "i personally think you could have done better than james, reg, but whatever hits your bludger"

☆ "padfoot, no one says that-"

☆ became stoked after getting over the shock

☆ literally would NOT stop yelling about how james could become his brother-in-law

☆ regulus now regretted telling him for different reasons

☆ james could have sworn he saw sirius sketching a wedding invitation with his a reg's names on it

☆ yells "cooties" everytime they touch

☆ gives them both cookies on their monthly anniversarys

remus:

♡ first one they told

♡ well, he more confronted them about it

♡ "regulus has a hickey that wasnt there five minutes ago and i left you two alone to grab a book for that long"

♡ james blushed profusely and regulus simply looked like he wanted to turn to dust and cease to exist at that moment

♡ remus laughed

♡ "im literally dating your brother, regulus, i could care less"

♡ james sighed and relaxed immediately at remus' carefree reaction

♡ regulus didnt lighten up so easy, still scared from being caught

♡ "...you wont tell, right?" he spoke softly

♡ REMUS HEARD HIS HEART SHATTER, THE POOR LAD DIDNT WANT HIS FAMILY TO HEAR ABOUT HIM AND JAMES, MERLIN BLESS THIS PURE CHILDS SOUL

♡ "of course not, i know what that would do to you, i wouldn't ever do that to you regulus. especially because sirius would chuck me at the womping willow and let it beat me alive"

♡ remus makes excuses for them when they're both running late from making out in broom closets

♡ once jokingly gave them condoms "no baby black-potters are needed here"

♡ provides james with advice on dating a black (he really only told him that cuddling and chocolate was the way to go when they were upset and to wing the rest)

lily:

◇ she found out on accident

◇ she was just trying to find remus when she walked in on regulus and sirius swooning over their boyfriends

◇ she didnt really mean to walk in at the exact moment said "if james potter does not marry me soon, i think i might die, hes so lovely, siri, really he is"

◇ she dropped her books which made the two look up and regulus immediately bust out in tears

◇ he only wanted the marauders to know and now the girl james crushed on for over a year knew

◇ sirius rushed over to lily and begged her not to say a word to anyone, telling her that only the marauders knew

◇ she agreed upon seeing how much of a mess reg became

◇ regulus sobbing attracted remus and james (she was looking for remus in the first place)

◇ james just about slapped lily for "making my precious baby cry"

◇ "you two make a lovely couple, i wont say a word. it was an accident really. i was looking for remus. can we go study now?"

◇ "yeah, of course, lils"

peter:

♤ last of the marauders to know

♤ sirius told him. without permission. at 4am. while they were sneaking to the kitchen.

♤ yeah, it was an odd scenario

♤ sirius had woken up starving and decided to wake up the one marauder who would gladly sneak into the kitchen for cupcakes at 4am; peter

♤ as the two were sneaking about the castle, they caught a gryffindor and slytherin couple snogging

♤ peter gasped and almost peed himself "but they're rivals!"

♤ "no, they're lovers. just like reg and james! WAIT FU-"

♤ sirius didnt have time to swear as peter whipped around and stared at him

♤ "YOUR BROTHER IS WITH JAMES??!?!??"

♤ sirius guilty nodded and shoved peter into the kitchen

♤ he then explained that regulus and james wanted to tell him later that day but now that peter knew, they should know that he knew

♤ james slapped sirius

♤ regulus thanked peter for being accepting (relatively so, he just wanted to know who he was supposed to cheer on at quidditch matches)

BONUS! mcgonagall:

♧ hell yeah, james told mcgonagall

♧ she actually found out after remus and sirius

♧ "reggie, cmon, i have to let the third love of my life know that im taken" "T H I R D ?"

♧ first is regulus, second is sirius, and third is dear minnie

♧ regulus and james knocked politely on her door after dinner one evening and were invited inside

♧ "what can i do for you boys?"

♧ and james, with the dumbest grin on his face, said "my dear minnie, i am now taken by the more handsome of the black brothers and felt the need to make you aware of my relationship status"

♧ she grinned. though taken aback at the relationship, she was pleasantly surprised that james and regulus had taken the time to tell her

♧ "that's lovely, you two. im assuming i must keep this a secret?" "oh yes, only moony and padfoot know"

♧ mcgonagall felt honoured that she was the THIRD to know

♧ "professor?" "yes, mister black?" "please make sure my parents dont find out, or anyone in slytherin"

♧ regulus had shattered yet another heart

♧ "of course, mister black. you are safe here at hogwarts"

COOLIO, THATS REALLY IT THANKS FOR ENDURING MY LOVELY JEGULUS BECAUSE IM IN LOVE W THE SHIP

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 36

Written by: Sol, Allegra Edited by: Beth, Allegra, Sol

“Nick, calm down.”

Nick felt a hand on his leg once again and opened his eyes to see that he was furiously kicking and thrashing. The only difference from last time was that this kicking and thrashing wasn’t purposeful, and it didn’t feel good at all. And it wouldn’t stop. Nick did everything in his power to calm his flailing legs, but he couldn’t. He had never felt so helpless. His arms thrashed out at his sides. Where was Alex? He arched off the bed, gagging as his breathing tube shifted. His blanket came undone and dropped to the floor. He felt himself sliding towards the edge of the bed to join it.

“Nick!” He felt hands on both of his legs now, and a hand on either arm. Through his half-lidded eyes he saw three nurses, doing their best to restrain him as his legs kicked out and convulsed wildly. His arms thrashed violently now, the IVs in his forearms nearly ripping out of his skin. After a few minutes, Nick felt his body slowing down, suddenly crashing from his wild attack. His head lolled to the side as he felt hands adjusting his breathing tube, gently bringing him back to reality. His head was spinning and he couldn’t stop tears escaping from his eyes.

Two of the nurses talked in hushed voices at the doorway, glancing back at Nick occasionally. Finally, after a few moments, they returned to Nick’s side.

“You’re going to have a brain scan later,” the blonde nurse said. “We need you awake for it, so we’re going to take you off the sedatives for now.”

Nick couldn't even find the strength to nod, so he simply looked at her, hoping she understood.

She put the communication board on Nick’s lap. “Would you like to do anything while we’re waiting to do the brain scan? Your friends are art students, right? Would you like to draw?”

Yes.

“Alright, I’ll be right back.”

Don’t leave. Don’t leave.

“Ah…” She glanced around the room and spotted the notebook that was still sitting on the counter from when Alex was writing in it a few days before. “Is this ok?”

Yes. Thank you.

Nick held the notebook close, and as soon as the nurse left he opened it to a blank page. He grabbed the pen next to him and just started writing. He didn’t know where the words were coming from, but they needed to get out. His arms jerked and twitched as he wrote, but he tried to fight it. This was important.

When he finished, he folded the letter with shaky hands and laid it on the bedside table, not even bothering to read it over. He had barely placed the pen on the table before his head fell back and he drifted off to sleep, all of his energy gone. All he could hope was that Alex would understand.

A couple of hours later, Nick awoke to a hand on his arm and a gentle voice calling his name. He opened his eyes slowly to the information that they were taking him back for the brain scan. His leg kicked out again.

“It won’t hurt, and it won’t take long,” the nurse reassured him. Nick closed his eyes again, trying to believe her.

—

Alex found the neurology office fairly easily. It was a small room in a distant hallway, far from anything Alex had seen in the hospital before. So many people are suffering here. Is Nick one of the worst? Alex shook the thought and entered the small office when he was called.

“Hi, Alex,” the doctor said when he went in. Her calming energy immediately made Alex feel more at ease.

Alex greeted her and sat down at the desk, not knowing what to say. “Is Nick alright?” he finally managed, fiddling with one of the pens on the desk.

“Well, it doesn’t appear that the kicking and thrashing were anything more than a bad reaction to the sedatives. His reaction increased when they gave him more, and so on.”

“Why did he react like that?”

“Here.” The doctor showed Alex the scan of Nick’s brain. “He has a bit of damage to the language processing and speech areas of his brain, as well as some executive functions like decision making and general cognition. Has he ever mentioned that to you?”

“Yeah, actually,” Alex realized, “he had a different lung injury before all of this and said he had some brain damage from a lack of oxygen.”

“That explains it, then. Does he act normal, usually?”

Alex thought for a moment. “He does have some unusual behaviors, but… he doesn’t need to be normal. He’s perfect to me.”

“Unusual behaviors?” The doctor leaned closer to Alex. “Can you tell me what you mean?”

“Uhh…” Alex felt uncomfortable talking about Nick’s issues with a complete stranger, when he wasn’t there to speak up for himself. “Well, he has bad dreams a lot...he’s stolen some things before...he has trouble reading and speaking, and he doesn’t always make eye contact when he’s talking to someone new.” Alex paused, then continued with a sigh. “Nick told me that it all started with the initial brain damage that he got from being shot. He doesn’t really have any physical issues, though.”

The doctor nodded. “All of that definitely could be connected to how he reacted. We think the thrashing was caused by a reaction with the part of his brain that controls movement. Rather than turning off, like it usually does with sedatives, it tried to reject them. Because of that, his body didn’t want to accept the sedatives.”

“Oh…” Alex nodded along thoughtfully and pretended to understand what the neurologist was telling him.

“The good news is that he’s been off the sedatives for a few hours now and he’s doing perfectly fine! You’re allowed to go see him now, if you’d like.”

Alex beamed and thanked the neurologist as he left the small office.

—

Alex walked into Nick’s room to find him fast asleep. He smiled when he saw that the IV giving him sedatives had been removed. He walked over to Nick and brushed the hair off his forehead. Nick stirred at the touch and his eyes lit up when he realized that it was Alex. He lifted his right arm and stretched it out as far as he could, smacking his palm against the bedside table. Alex blinked in confusion for a moment before he noticed the folded paper atop the table. “Is this for me?” he asked. Nick gave him a weak thumbs up of approval.

At that moment, a nurse rushed in, saying something about needing to check on Nick. She rushed Alex out of the room before he could even ask Nick about the piece of paper.

Once he was alone in the hallway, Alex unfolded the piece of paper. He held it gently, trying to decipher Nick’s messy handwriting.

--

A lex

Thank you so much for putting up with me Im sory you have to see me like this It hurts a lot so bad and Im scared but pleas dont worry I cant wait to go home and pet Steckrübe again and Play music again but not do anyt hin g dumb this time Because I Ive learned now maybe I shouldnt stage dive until they tell me its okay

But right now it hurts I want to go home but they wont let me I want t o get up but they won’t let me I Miss being able to speak I dont feel like I have a body anmore it just hurts so much But  when youre here I forget You make me happy  Please bring Steck next time I miss him

I’m sorry I didn't listen to you I feel like a bad Flatmate Im sory I cant do anthing to help you out

Im scared I wont get better it Hurts it hurts and I dont know why it hurts so much I still cant breathe Im Scared I wont be able to

My body is kicking thrashing I cant stop it wont stop Im so   tired but I cant sleep it wont Help Im terrified

You saved me

I want to be with you Im sorry I couldnt tell you that niht  it hurt too bad I want to be yours

I love you so much Alex Ive loved you from the first night you Visited me at the prisonn You accept me ffor who I am and you ne ver get mad at me Evn when I deserve it I deseve it 

Thank you Than k you Thank you for saving me I love you I love you I love you Alex I love you

--

Alex braced himself against the wall, trembling as he clutched the paper. Nick loves me. He meant it the other day. And I didn’t listen.

Alex folded the piece of paper again and ran back into the room as soon as the nurse left. The heart monitor started beeping faster than Alex had ever seen it beep before as he approached Nick’s bed. He laughed softly and believed for a moment that Nick was giving a small smile as well. Was he? Maybe it was just the lighting. Alex ignored the beeping and held Nick’s hand. “I love you too,” he said softly. “So much. And you're going to get better.” Alex ran a hand through Nick’s hair. “And I’m sorry for trying to talk about our relationship when you were in so much pain. I should have known better.” Nick started furiously tapping the I love you box on his board, blinking back tears as he looked up at Alex.

Suddenly, a nurse rushed into the room. “Is everything alright in here?” she asked, obviously concerned by the sudden, rapid beeping. Alex dropped Nick’s hand, instantly brought back to the reality of the situation as he remembered the condition Nick was in. He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t form the words.

“Just…don't get him overexcited, yeah?” the nurse sighed as Nick’s heart rate slowed back to normal. “He’s still in critical condition and we want him to make it out alive, after all.”

“Alright,” Alex said sheepishly. The nurse gave him a stern look and walked out.

Nick’s eyes were bright, but he wasn’t smiling. He couldn’t. There was no way he could do anything more than move his eyes and his hands. He still had to make it out of the hospital alive before Alex could even think about the future. Was it better to be hopeful or to prepare himself for the worst?

Alex looked back down at Nick and realized that his eyes were still so full of love, searching for an answer from Alex, an answer neither of them could find.

“I love you, Nick,” Alex ran his hand through Nick’s hair, “I really do.”

[dontreadthistrashgarbage]

Pt.3

Seyoon was unpacking all the late night snacks he had gotten onto a blanket at a secluded rooftop. Hearing footsteps he looked up to see Guerin, who looked different than usual. She didn't appear to be wearing any makeup, had her normal stud earrings but had a cute black mask with a white sharp toothy grin. She was dressed in joggers and a sweatshirt with the hood up. He cocked his head at her as she approached.

"I know, I look like shit. But it was late and I'd already gotten ready for bed. You can't expect me to spruce up after that." Guerin guessed at his expression.

"You look fine. Cozy. It's just different. Also you're late." He shrugged and patted the blanket next to him, sitting as he leaned against the wall behind him.

"I got lost..." she grumbled, "I've never been great with directions." She sat down in the spot he indicated, looking over the spread he had brought, "Good grief I thought you just wanted tteokbokki."

Seyoon smiled automatically, "You said you hadn't eaten, and I know how much you like food so I thought I should get some options." Guerin leaned her head in his direction and offered a wry smile under her mask, unable to argue with his logic. "Besides, I got this for us too." He pulled out an additional bag, from which he drew two paper cups, a bottle of soju and two cans of beer.

Guerin raised her eyebrows and sat up straight, "Oh we're drinking too?"

"We have to. It goes well with tteokbokki, fried chicken and jajangmyeon." He shrugged nonchalantly as he began opening everything up and handing Guerin some chopsticks. "Although it's blueberry soju. I thought you might like that."

"How did you figure that?" She asked, sneaking a piece of tteokbokki and pulling her mask to her chin to eat it.

"Well you said before you liked Grapefruit and Plum but I couldnt find it, so I thought blueberry was the next best option." Seyoon shrugged, separating the cups and pouring soju into them, handing one to Guerin and offering his as cheers.

She laughed in response and took her shot, "Honestly I dont know how that train of thought lines up but you aren't wrong." She watched as Seyoon refilled the cups and couldn't keep the grin from her face, "You really went all out for this, it's awesome. Thank you."

He shrugged again, looking up at her and their eyes met briefly before both looked away to select food options, "Food makes things better." He said simply.

"Cheers to that." They both took another shot and then ate in silence for a while.

"So... how are you?" Seyoon asked awkwardly, unsure of how to broach the subject.

"I'm fine, all things considered." Guerin said almost mechanically, "I keep telling people that."

"Okay... but how are you really?" Seyoon asked again, leaning back to look at Guerin. She sighed and set her chopsticks down and didn't speak for a moment.

"Well. What do you know happened?" She asked finally.

"I know you were attacked by that crazy lady. I know you were arrested but you were cleared because of video evidence. I know that she is being charged by the company. But I also know you haven't been with HEET lately." He trailed off.

Guerin reached over for one of the beers. Seyoon cracked it open and put it in her hand, grabbing his as well while she took a sip, leaned back against the wall and looked up at the sky.

"Yeah. We were worried something might happen again. So part of our plan included recording any more altercations that might occur. Self defense laws are tricky and it's usually one person's word against another. Plus as a foreigner, and a big one, we knew some witnesses might not provide unbiased information." She paused and took another sip, "The boys were so brave, they did exactly as they were supposed to. That woman had some gross stuff in that present too. Police said it was unwashed underwear, a vial of blood, another of spit..." she scrunched her nose, "stuff like that."

"Sounds like you guys have the law on your side." Seyoon said, waiting for more information.

Another sip and pause before she spoke, "Yeah, we do. We're able to press charges. The company is suing her. She might see jail time. They even made me go to the hospital to make sure they had a medical report for the court."

"Wait medical report?" Seyoon looked over at her, surprised, "What happened?" Now that she had pulled down her mask and he was looking closely he saw the cut and slight bruising at the corner of her mouth as she smiled dryly and tapped her cheek.

"I let her hit me. I figured if she looked unharmed and I was injured it would go better for us too."

"You're crazy." He sounded almost admiring as he leaned in closer, "Let me see that, does it hurt?"

"It's fine, I've been hit in the face many times, and she's probably the smallest adult that's ever taken a swing at me. It doesnt hurt at all. OW WHY?" She flinched and cried out as he poked the bruising.

His eyes widened and he let out a snort of laughter, "Doesn't hurt at all?"

"You little shit." She laughed and smacked his hand away from her face, "Of course it'll hurt if you press a bruise."

He giggled again, "Sorry. It does look like it hurts a lot. You should maybe stop letting people hit you in the face."

She laughed, "Well it hasn't always been a choice, this one was though."

"So... there's more right?" He asked after their laughter had subsided.

Guerin avoided his eyes by taking a longer drink from her beer, "Yeah. There's been some blowback. Some false stories have gotten out and theres some people that claim I'm making a bad name for HEET or that I was the one who started it, that I instigated a fight or was being rude to a fan. There's quite a lot that demanded I be removed as manager, actually."

"So they caved?" Seyoon asked disbelievingly.

"Well. Kind of?" Guerin sighed, "I've been temporarily removed. Right now with the case going and the false information it's actually less safe for HEET to be around me in case someone tries to target me. So until things are officially able to be released..." she stopped talking abruptly blinking rapidly, trying to hide it with another long gulp of beer. "It's not like I've been fired. I'm grateful for that. Another company would probably have written me off as more trouble than I'm worth. They have me doing other work right now but... I liked my job. I loved my boys, and looking after them." She couldnt hide the tears running down her face now, and didn't bother to try.

Seyoon floundered, watching her face then looking around before seeing napkins and hurriedly handing them to her. She smiled and thanked him, dabbing her cheeks half heartedly before giving up and chugging the rest of her beer through her tears. With an unconvincing smile she looked at Seyoon, "So that's what I mean when I say all things considered. I'm fine."

He didn't saying anything right away, pulling his long shirt sleeve over his hand, he leaned over and dabbed at her face to dry it. She started to pull away, shocked, but he reached out with his other hand and held her in place. "Hold still." She didn't fight back, he was so close and so handsome she couldn't help but feel somewhat transfixed, despite her stomache dropping and heart pounding, all she could do was freeze until he let her go. He picked up his chopsticks, selected a large piece of fried chicken and put it to her mouth, which she accepted without complaint.

"It's okay to be sad when bad things happen. You don't have to lie to everyone." He paused and added quietly as though he wasn't sure he should be saying it, "You don't have to lie to me."

Guerin choked, "Oh my god." She swallowed as soon as she could and laughed, "Are you using lines on me to seem cool? Is this a drama?" She laughed again.

"Yah." He protested, "I was just trying to be supportive."

Guerin laughed again then fed him some tteokbokki, "You're as adorable as a cicada." She said and pinched his cheek.

"I am so much more handsome than some bug." He protested around the food in his mouth.

"Of course you are." She put a shot of soju in his hand, cheersed and downed hers. He followed shortly.

"Thanks though." She glanced at him, "It means a lot."

He playfully shoved her and stole her chopsticks, which started a whole new bickering fit.

Charlie had been working up the nerve all morning to talk to her boss. It was a privilege to be allowed to be so hands on with animals and she didn't want her boss to think she was taking advantage... but it was such a cool opportunity. She had to at least try.

"Byun Minsoo-ssi." She lead off tentatively. The lead vet looked up from her paperwork. Perhaps she looked stern simply from Charlie's point of view but it was just as believable that she was no-nonsense in everyday life as well.

"Yes? Charlie-ssi?"

"I have a friend who is a manager for an idol group, she is friends with a group called A.C.E and I wondered if they could come behind the scenes to meet some of our animals?" Charlie ventured cautiously.

Minsoo paused for a moment before speaking "A.C.E? Your friend knows A.C.E? And they want to come here?" Her attempt to play it cool was poorly hidden and gave Charlie confidence.

"Yes! I'd like to invite my friend Guerin and A.C.E to come and see what we have. I think it would be an excellent opportunity to promote the zoo and educate on the importance of conservation!"

The normally serious Minsoo beamed at Charlie, "That's an excellent idea. Let's get in contact and organize something."

Charlie did a mental fist pump and hustled off to message her friends.

Deciding to keep the visit informal allowed the planning process to go more quickly. Approval from the higher ups and organizing with Beat Interactive took a few days. Guerin has been allowed to come as a personal guest for Charlie and A.C.E who requested she tag along. Guerin, never passing up a chance to visit the zoo, happily accepted. Charlie hoped it could provide her friend with a genuine mood boost. Guerin tended to internalize her negative emotions but Charlie could tell she wasn't her usual self.

"We'll do formal filming in the behind the scenes areas, but then we'll allow you to do your own self cam work throughout the areas of the zoo the public has regular access to." Minseok explained as A.C.E got last second touch ups.

"What animals are we seeing today?" Asked Chan excitedly. They were in the vet and quarantine areas so it was unpredictable what had been planned for them.

"It's a surprise." Charlie said, the most excited A.C.E had ever seen her.

Byun Minsoo would be taking the lead in speaking for the cameras but suggested Charlie stay by to help handle animals and manage the guests. Minsoo might be strict but she was fair, knowing Charlie wanted to do this with her friends she wasn't going to exclude her.

Guerin was hanging back with Minseok as preparations were made. "Noona do you know what we're gonna see?" Chan tried to wheedle from her, pouting slightly. Guerin stared pointedly away from him.

"Don't pull that cute stuff on me, I can't tell you." Of course she knew what animals Charlie was working with, she couldn't let some aegyo spoil the surprise. Chan pouted more and shook his shoulders in a small tantrum.

"Alright that's enough." Minseok stepped in before Guerin could cave, he redirected A.C.E to the main area so they could begin filming. The recording started with a tour of the facilities, showing equipment and how to accommodate all the different animals they had based on type and size. They explained the importance of training animals to participate in their own veterinary care voluntarily then showed them a video example of a mountain lion presenting for a blood draw, and a gorilla opening it's mouth for its teeth to be examined, or a macaque presenting its arm for an insulin injection. Minsoo continued to talk about the research and breeding that the zoo participated and how it was vital for conservation efforts and how it benefitted animals in the wild.

The boys were perfect guests, asking questions and reacting well. They saw a few animals in the quarantine area, new to the zoo and waiting to be introduced to their new homes. The last area they were taken to was for longer term housing for animals that couldnt be in the usual enclosures. A spot had been sectioned, layered with blankets, plushies and other toys. The boys, perplexed, were instructed to go in and sit down with Minsoo while Charlie disappeared momentarily. She returned with an inauspicious crate, facing it away from A.C.E she opened the door and sat with Minsoo, both grinning for the surprise.

Two young tiger cubs tottered they way out, mowing. The trepidation left A.C.E as they all exclaimed in amazement and adoration. Minsoo and Charlie showed A.C.E how to bottle feed them, then let them take turns.

"Their mother was a first time mom, and she wouldnt take care of them." Minsoo explained as the boys cooed sadly, "It's not unusual for that to happen with new mothers even in the wild. But since we are here we made the choice to step in and help raise them." Once the babies were fed they were left to roam and play. One clambered into Jun's lap and fell asleep, the other playing with a toy with Donghun and Byeongkwan. Jun couldn't control his face, his amazement and joy at being chosen as he got everyone's attention and pointed to the sleeping kitten. Seyoon and Chan scooted near him to pet the sleeping animal. Charlie couldn't stop herself from grinning, Guerin knew at least part of it was Jun's reaction and not just the cute tiger cubs.

Once it was time to say goodbye to the kittens, A.C.E did their formal goodbye with them and the filming for behind the scenes ended. The rest of the staff and guests got an opportunity to greet the tigers as well and once Guerin had her turn she flagged down Charlie as the babies were taken back to their enclosure. After a brief talk with Minsoo who let out a restrained laugh and nod, Charlie and Guerin went to a series of smaller tanks on the opposite side of the room, Guerin returning with her hands closed suspiciously.

"We have one more animal for you to meet." Charlie said with a chuckle. Donghun was the only one with the good sense to he suspicious.

"This is one of my favorite animals." Guerin said with a grin, uncovering her hand and showing a large male Madagascar Hissing Cockroach sitting placidly in her hand. All five boys instinctively recoiled, Chan and Jun exclaiming in surprise. A.C.E's reaction elicited chuckles from most of the staff if they werent busy being disgusted themselves.

"It's okay guys. They're harmless!" Guerin said holding it up. Donghun and Jun recovered the fastest, still looking apprehensive and surprised respectively. Chan was behind Jun, leaning around him curiously but still looking fearful. Beyongkwan, eyes wide, didnt move forward so quickly and Seyoon was the furthest away had a very subtle terror that could only be read in his eyes.

"They're really cool, they're called hissing cockroaches cause they hiss!" She gave the cockroach a light pet down it's back which caused it to take two steps forward and hiss quietly as it protested the contact. The boys jumped again. "So insects dont have lungs, they breath through small holes along their body called spiracles. These guys have evolved to force air out of those holes to make a hissing sound that they use to communicate to each other or even predators! Their mouths are too small to bite us so they're harmless!" She was so enthusiastic in the explanation it couldnt help but draw the boys curiosity. She explained how to tell males from females and how most cockroaches are pests at all and how vital they are to the environment. Eventually Donghun worked up the courage first to touch it when offered. Jun became somewhat enamored and greeted the insect before he touched it, but jumped when it hissed before laughing at his own reaction. Chan actually opted to hold it and Byeongkwan even moved forward but Seyoon stayed in the back.

"Come on Hyung!" Chan called to him, looking more closely at the cockroach.

"I'm just looking at stuff over here you guys go on without me." Seyoon said, pretending to examine equipment near him.

"It is kind of cute." Jun admitted, petting it again, still jumping slightly when it hissed.

"On a scale of Seyoon to a Cicada how cute is it?" Donghun joked causing Jun, Chan, Byeongkwan, Guerin and Charlie to laugh.

[xxstyleart]

Chapter 18; Siege and Storm

Heyyooooo, so I’ve adapted a few parts in a particular scene of chapter 18 with Mal, Alina and the Darkling! I’ve been trying to read fanfics and it’s inspired to write my own so here ya go!! *Disclaimer: I’ve adapted the existing scene with a few things I envisioned. Most of the content is original to Leigh. I’ve simply added a few different elements into the scene and developed it the way I thought would create a deeper scene. Also, my content will be written in between double asterisks. Anything outside of that was written by Leigh. & the ‘[...]’ indicate there are additional lines from the book I’ve not included in my post but that I’ve skipped in order to make this post more fluid and concise with my adaptations. Hope that made sense. Enjoy!!!!

(Art credit: nanfe1789)

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He nodded, scuffed the toe of his boot along the floor. “I miss you,” he said quietly. Soft words but they sent a painful, welcome tremor through me. Had part of me doubted it? He’d been gone so often.

I touched his hand. “I miss you too.” [...] He let out a long breath. “Saints, I hate this place.” I blinked, startled by the vehemence in his voice. “You do?” “I hate the parties. I hate the people. I hate everything about it.” “I thought... you seemed... not happy exactly, but--” “I don’t belong here, Alina. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.” That I didn’t believe. Mal fits in everywhere. “Nikolai says everyone adores you.”

“They’re amused by me,” Mal said. “That’s not the same thing.” He turned my hand over, tracing the scar that ran the length of my palm. “Do you know I actually miss being on the run? Even that filthy little boarding house in Cofton and working in the warehouse. At least then I felt like I was doing something, not just wasting time and gathering gossip.”

I shifted uncomfortably, feeling suddenly defensive. “You take every chance you get to be away. You don’t have to accept every invitation.”

He stared at me. “I stay away to protect you, Alina.” “From what?” I asked incredulously. He stood up, pacing restlessly across the room. “What do you think people asked me on the royal hunt? The first thing? They wanted to know about me and you.” He turned on me, and when he spoke his voice was cruel, mocking “Is it true that you’re tumbling the Sun Summoner? [...] I stay away to put distance between us, to stop the rumors. I probably shouldn’t even be in here now.”

I circled my knees with my arms, drawing them more tightly to my chest. My cheeks were burning. “Why didn’t you say something?” **Quiet anger rumbled in my chest. How could he not know what was in my heart? How did he not understand that I could not give a care as to what anyone else had to say? I needed him and that’s all that mattered, not what others were speculating about my--sex life.**

“What could I say? And when? I barely see you anymore.” “I thought you wanted to go.” “I wanted you to ask me to stay.”

My throat felt tight. I opened my mouth, ready to tell him that he wasn’t being fair, that I couldn’t have known. But was that the truth? Maybe I had really believe Mal was happier away from the Little Palace. Or maybe I’d just told myself that because it was easier with him gone, because it meant one less person watching and wanting something from me. **Another burden I wouldn’t have to bear. Another disappointment I would avoid. So then, why was there such an aching in my chest as he stood there, staring at me expectantly? What more did he want? Was I not enough? Was I too much?**

He raised his hands as if to plead his case, then dropped them helplessly. “I feel you slipping away from me, and I don’t know how to stop it.”

**His eyes bore into mine with a deep sadness I hadn’t let myself look at for too long these past few weeks. It stung. Maybe because he was right. Maybe because I feared all of this would become too much for him and he’d decide to finally leave for good. Maybe because it was easier to let go first rather than to be left behind like crumbs on a table... Or maybe because it reminded me of the sadness that was growing in my own heart every time he left, because despite his previous declaration in wanting to protect me, I’d felt him slipping away and I hadn’t known what to do about it.** Tears pricked my eyes. “We’ll find a way,” I said. “We’ll make more time--”

“It’s not just that. Ever since you put on that second amplifier, you’ve been different.” My hand strayed to the fetter. “When you split the dome, the way you talk about the firebird... I heard you speaking to Zoya the other day. She was scared, Alina. And you liked it.”

“Maybe I did,” I said, my anger rising. It felt so much better than the guilt or shame. **Times have changed. I’ve changed. I'm not the weak little orphan from Keramzin anymore. I may not be strong, but I am more now. Different. I had to be because of this power, because of all the people depending on it. Why couldn’t he see that?** “So what? You have no idea what she’s like, what this place has been like for me. The fear, the responsibility--”

“I know that. I know and I can see the toll it’s taking. But you chose this. You have a purpose. I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore.” [...]

**The rage boiled inside, heat rose to my cheeks and ears. “Coward,” I spat as viciously as I could. Surprise swims in his eyes as he registers my verbal attack. Despite the outburst, a door inside me slams shuts. “I chose nothing.” I say coldly. He stiffens at my change of tone. “I did not choose to be born with this power. I did not choose to wage this war. I did not choose to go after the stag,” I twisted the knife.

A mix of hurt, desperation and fear contorts his face. I know he remembers. It was his idea to go after the stag--to get it before the Darkling could so I could be used against the Darkling in time, just as everyone here was planning on doing. He shakes his head in denial.** [...] “You came here for Ravka. For the firebird. To lead the Second Army.” He tapped the sun over his heart. “I came here for you. You’re my flag. You’re my nation. But that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Do you realize this is the first time we’ve really been alone in weeks?” **Brief shock overcame me.**

The knowledge of that settled over us. The room seemed unnaturally quiet. Mal took a single tentative step toward me. Then he closed the space between us in two long strides. One hand slid around my waist, the other cupped my face. Gently, he tilted my mouth up to his. “Come back to me,” he said softly. **The tenderness in his voice pulled at my heart and thaws it. The door that slammed shut creaked open just a bit. This. This was what I yearned for--what I’ve been missing. Him. His love, his affection. No pride and no barriers to stand in our way. My body relaxed in response.** He drew me to him, but as his lips met mine, something flickered in the corner of my eye.

The Darkling was standing behind Mal. I stiffened. Mal pulled back. “What?” he said. “Nothing. I just...” I trailed off **as fear choked me. I didn’t know what to say.** The Darkling was still there. “Tell him you see me when he takes you in his arms,” **he taunts. His voice was too raw. Too real. It shattered me.** I squeezed my eyes shut. Mal dropped his hands and stepped away from me, his fingers curling into fists. “I guess that’s all I needed to know.” **Panic rose in my chest.** “Mal--” “You should have stopped me. All that time I was standing there, going on like a fool. If you didn’t want me, you should have just said so.” “Don’t feel too bad, tracker,” said the Darkling. **Each word sounded like shattering glass and it was hard for me to not cringe anymore than I already had.** “All men can be made fools.” “That’s not it--” I protested. “Is it Nikolai?” “What? No!” “Another otazt’sya, Alina?” the Darkling mocked. Mal shook his head in disgust. “I let him push me away. The meetings, the council sessions, the dinners. I let him edge me out. Just waiting, hoping that you’d miss me enough to tell them all to go to hell.” I swallowed, trying to block out the vision of the Darkling’s cold smile. **He knows. He knows I won’t say anything more. I’ll let Mal believe this lie rather than tell him what I truly see. He knows I’m too afraid to face that truth.**

[...] “Mal--” **Faltering before I truly begin. He’s slipping. I need to say something. Anything. But what? What can I say to make him stay? Pain strikes me as I realized there wasn’t a better option than nothing.** [...] “I don’t want to hear about [...] Ravka or the amplifiers or any of it.” He slashed his hand through the air. “I’m done.” He turned on his heel and strode toward the door.

“Wait!” I rushed after him and reached for his arm. **Desperation clung to me. I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin on mine. I hoped for it to drive away this coldness I felt inside.**

He turned around so fast, I almost careened into him. “Don’t, Alina.”

**My heart broke. He was already pushing me away. I can see that the distance was much more than the few inches between us.** “You don’t understand--” I said, **faltering again. How could I put it into words he wouldn’t judge me for? How could I think of him so often after all that he’s done? Why do I keep seeing the Darkling? Mal would be disgusted of me.**

“You flinched. Tell me you didn’t.” “It wasn’t because of you!” **I just wished he’d believe me.** Mal laughed harshly. “I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. Don’t worry. It won’t happen again.” The words hit me like a slap. He slammed the door behind him.

I stood there, staring at the closed doors. I reached out and touched the bone handle. **I know you haven’t had much experience. But I’ve kissed enough girls to know what that means. His words ring in my head, cutting through me like a double-edged knife.** You can fix this, I told myself. You can make this right. But I just stood there, frozen. [..] I bite down hard on my lip to silence the sob that shook my chest. That’s good, I thought as the tears spilled over. That way the servants won’t hear. An ache had started between my ribs, a hard, bright shard of pain that lodged beneath my sternum, pressing tight against my heart.

**I turned and leaned against the door, gasping for breath while trying not to let the sobs erupt. I see him fully now, standing exactly where he was behind Mal, just before the bed. The moonlight shone against his tall silhouette and illuminated his broad shoulders, his strong arms. I can see his perfect face, a smile no longer on his lips. He had the mercy to not look smug. Instead, his face was stony and cold but there was something dark swirling in his eyes that I couldn’t make out. I pinned him in place with a look, offering nothing but anger, hatred, and resentment.

I brought my hands to my face, my fingers curling and slightly tugging at my roots. Angrily, I spoke, my voice becoming louder with each question. “Why do I keep seeing you? Why are you here? Why must you torture me like this?” I’m nearly begging him for answers. My hands slashed the air between us, frustrated. “Must you make me drive him away?” I can read his face clearly now. The problem with wanting is that it makes you weak.

He thaws and looks at me disgustingly lovingly. His eyes were soft as he wrapped his hands around one of mine then laid it over his heart. The other caressed my cheek. Gently, he answers,“Yes, I do because you must realize that in this world, there is only you and I. There is no one else like us: powerful. Your power is growing every day. As much as you love him, he could never love you without fearing you first. And as much as you want him to be there for you--to understand you, he simply can’t. He is otazt’sya. None of them will ever know you the way I do. None will understand the hunger for more power or the delight we feel when we use it. There is no one who will not fear you or judge you. Only I can understand you. Only I will not fear or judge you for what you are. You are Alina Starkov, my equal. We were made opposites, but are halves to the other. We were meant to be together.”

I try to yank my hand back from his chest, but I am frozen. I try again, but to no avail. His words shake me to my core. Knowingly, he says nothing and silently urges me on. How? How was he able to read me so well? How did he know so much about how I felt? Of all people, how could he know what I was going through when he wasn’t even here with me? Or real? Shame and resentment filled me. We wage a silent battle, looking into each other’s eyes, acutely aware of the other. We stayed like that for a long time, so long, my body relaxed and grew used to his presence.

I finally break the silence.“...Why won’t you just let me be?” My voice broke. He was only a figment of my mind playing tricks on me. He wasn’t real... so why did he look so real? Why did this feel so real? He was an itch that I couldn’t soothe. I keep scratching to try and ease the itching but it only makes things worse and now I’m bleeding.

“If I did that, you’d be alone.” His words felt like a bucket of cold water washing over me. Loneliness? Wasn’t that his fear? You don’t understand, my words to Mal echoed again. I’d meant he didn’t understand that I’d actually flinched from him because of the Darkling, not because I didn’t want him but had I meant something else too? Was what the Darkling was saying true? With this new found power of mine, was loneliness my fear now as well? My blood turned cold at that truth. Yes, it was... ‘Sankt Alina’, they’d whispered during prayers. They’d praised the Sun Summoner without cease but I saw the look in their eyes. Admiration was there on the surface but it was fear that had driven them--fear of me... of my power. I saw the way servants never stood too closely, the way they flinched at my every move. I saw the way peers did their best to dance around me with their words. People claimed to worship the Saint but I saw their pity. No one wants this kind of responsibility or this raw hunger for power in any life.

“Alone...” I whispered. “Is that what we are?” As soon as I let the words out, I felt it: alone. It kicked me in the gut and nearly choked the air from my lungs. Tears well in my eyes again and spilled over without cease. My body gives way to the weight in my heart and I sink to the floor. The harsh reality that no one would ever understand drowns me. The fear courses through like an unforgiving tsunami. Breathing became difficult. No one could ever understand me. No one except the Darkling.**

I didn’t hear the Darkling move; I only knew when he was beside me. His long fingers brushed the hair back from my neck and rested on the collar. When he kissed my cheek, his lips were cold, **and I welcomed it, begrudgingly. We were alone, together.**

[antihero-writings]

The Things We Say Aloud—Pandora Hearts Fic for Phmonth18 Rainsworth Trio Week—Prompt 2: Family (Full Fic)

Fic Title: The Things We Say Aloud

Fic Synopsis: The Rainsworth Trio has a tradition of midnight snowball fights. But what if this is Break’s last?

Notes: This is another fic I wrote last Christmas (for the prompt “Rain”), but I think will work well for Phmonth18. I think it works best for the Rainsworth Trio Prompt 2: Family. You don’t have to have read the previous Christmas fic to understand it, but they are supposed to take place in the same year, and there are a few connections/references between them. (The other one is called “In Plain Sight” and you can read it on this blog, and/or at I_prefer_the_term_antihero ‘s Ao3!)

Out of all the PH fics I’ve written so far, this is honestly probably my favorite. I would deeply appreciate it if you commented to let me know you enjoyed it!

I feel like the Rainsworth Trio–especially Sharon and Break–don’t really talk about Break’s death, even though they know it’s coming. I thought it would be interesting to explore how such a conversation would go, and almost made myself cry writing it!

Also, point of interest, a song that I think works really well for the section of this fic where Break is pondering if it will be his last Christmas is “Into the Open Air” from the Brave soundtrack.

P.S. This is a repost of an old fic!

Fic:

Rain pounded its tune on the roof. It was the kind of rain that swarms the air, making it misty, grey, and cold with the buzzing of a thousand tiny drops.

It wasn’t that he disliked the rain. There will always be something about the rain that’s soothing to people dealing with sorrow. But rain like this; that pounds, and pounds, and doesn’t dissipate, sometimes serves to extend the mistiness inside too. Though it could be a rest, a relief, people like him always pray for the sun to come back. For sunny days and summer light were something people like him, with red eyes, and a past full of sin, knew they didn’t deserve, but couldn’t help seeking all the same.

Xerxes Break walked through the hallway of the Rainsworth manor. He wore his turquoise and gold outfit, half of his white hair falling across his shoulder, the other, shorter side, messily added to the covering the bandages provided—bandages over the place where his left eye should have been, though it rarely bled anymore.

As he passed by one of the rooms, he saw Sharon. She looked so small, but so regal, sitting on the windowsill, with her back to the glass, now frosted with condensation. Her chestnut hair was pulled back with a ribbon, and she was wearing her little pink dress. The little girl was pouting, staring at the ground, her arms folded over her chest in the characteristic expression children wear when they don’t get their way.

He paused, resting his hand on the doorframe.

She lifted her head.

When she met his eyes, he remembered very quickly that was not in his skill set to comfort little girls.

When he glanced back, she was giving him a look that said Well? Aren’t you going to come comfort me?

He knew better than to disobey such a look. He took a deep breath and walked in, hopping up on the windowsill next to her.

Like the rain, it wasn’t that he disliked kids, he just didn’t know how to deal with them. When they cried and threw tantrums…in short, he didn’t know how to deal with emotion (well, strong ones anyways). He couldn’t help hoping that kids like her could stay happy, and innocent forever. Like he had hoped for his young mistress from another time, and seen it go so very wrong, then later heard, through his own interference, that he had made it go far worse. But children would have to get hurt, they would have to grow up, some day. And in turn, they would become the kinds of creatures who hurt, and caused pain, who even killed, and made excuses for it…creatures like himself.

Luckily, he found that Sharon was a much happier, much kinder, much stronger child than most.

When she didn’t speak—(he didn’t dare ask, for fear of making it worse)—he turned to look outside the window.

“Xerx-niisan,” she began at last, “Why is the sky crying?”

He turned back to her, raising an eyebrow. “Huh?”

They weren’t siblings; they weren’t even remotely related. But for some reason, the name fixed itself in her mouth, and nothing he did or said could change that.

She could be a little tyrant sometimes.

At his misunderstanding, she continued to pout, averting her eyes. Then she jerked back to look at him, (he flinched a little), and said in a high pitched voice, “It’s almost Christmas! Why is it raining? It should be snowing!”

“Oh,” he relaxed a little, contemplating his response, “Well…it’s not going to stop raining just because you want it to. Sometimes,” he gave a sardonic smile that was more painful than the frown that seemed fixed on his face, looking away into the rain, as if he would find answers reading the drops, “things…people…that should be happy, just can’t be. And no matter how much you want something…”

He trailed off, and when he turned back, he saw tears welling in her eyes.

Nice going, Xerxes, you barely have to open your mouth to make a little girl cry.

There they were, brimming to the surface: all those emotions he didn’t know what to do with. He could only sit there, waiting for her own brand of rain to start, wanting more than anything to escape, to not have to figure out the right words to fix her.

It was the crying he hated the most. Maybe it was because it reminded him too much of a certain day, long ago, of a certain girl…but the snow did fall that day…

Still, he wasn’t going to tell her that if she just wished hard enough, if she believed in hope, the-general-goodness-of-the-world-and-its-inhabitants, and maybe a little bit of magic, that the snow would fall, that she could change things. Wishes were dangerous things, and he didn’t suggest anyone make them. You never know who, or what, might be listening.

Fortunately, before the tears reached her cheeks, Sharon’s mother, Shelly Rainsworth, appeared at the doorway. She looked almost exactly like an older version of her daughter, the same chestnut hair, the same smile that shined with a light of its own.

Upon seeing the tearful look on her daughter’s face, she marched into the room, put her hands on her hips, and turned to Break.

“Xerxes,” she said his name like he really was Sharon’s brother, “what did you say to her?”

“Why do you assume it was my fault, Shelly-sama?” he muttered, sounding like the child she was calling out.

“Let’s just say you have a habit of stepping on people’s feelings.”

He sighed. “I was only telling her that it won’t start snowing simply because she wants it to.”

“It’s almost Christmas, mother!” Sharon said like she was pleading her case, the tears reappearing in her eyes.

Shelly smiled, shaking her head.

“What am I going to do with you two?” she crouched down in front of Sharon, and paused, contemplating her own question for a moment. “Tell you what, sweetie; I can’t promise it’ll start snowing because you want it to, but I can promise this:” she pushed her daughter’s tears away, “The moment it starts snowing—or, I suppose,” she interrupted herself, “the moment there’s enough snow on the ground, but no later!—we’ll go outside, and have a snowball fight. How does that sound?”

“Really?” Sharon raised her head, the sadness lifting a little.

“Even if I’m busy, or it starts snowing in the middle of the night,” Shelly elaborated, grinning, “No, especially, if it’s in the middle of the night,” she placed a finger on Sharon’s nose, at which the little girl giggled, “I’ll wake you up—or you me—then, while everyone else is asleep, we’ll run around the house in just our pajamas and coats, we’ll wake Xerxes—”

“What?!” Break blurted out.

“Yes, we’ll wake Xerxes,” she repeated smirking, “drag him outside—”

“Do I get a say in this?!”

“Nope,” she grinned mischievously, “Don’t think I’m letting you get out of this one.”

“Tch.” He looked away.

She walked calmly to the couch, picked up one of the pillows, as if she was going to fluff it, brought it over to them, and smacked him with it.

He growled, his red eye starting to blaze, like some caged beast.

She threw the pillow back onto the couch, sighing, saying seriously, “I don’t want you sitting here on this windowsill forever…I know, somewhere inside you, there’s someone…” she pondered it, then smiled, saying simply, “Someone who’s not afraid. You’re stronger than you think. Deep down, I think, these sorts of things that seem childish, like snowball fights, and tea-parties,” she smirked, “fun things, you actually enjoy.”

He looked away, as if knowing he could only disappoint her.

She added softly, placing a finger on his chin, making him look at her,

“We’ll see that smile someday, Xerxes Break.”

He stared at her as she took her fingers away, then he blinked, averting his eyes again. murmuring something about, “Really, Shelly-sama…I’d just ruin—”

“Sharon,” Shelly interrupted his mutterings, turning to her daughter, “Do you think Xerxes should sit here sulking, day in and day out, or do you think he should join our snowball fight?”

“Xerx-niisan should come with us!” she didn’t even take a breath before she answered.

He stared into the little girl’s eyes, so full of hope, no question, no hesitation, just…kindness, endless kindness.

Shelly smiled at her daughter, which turned into devious smirk when she looked at him.

“Checkmate.”

He bit his lip before jumping back down to the ground, muttering incoherently his displeasure, knowing once they were set, he couldn’t change their minds.

They could be tyrants sometimes.

Most people wouldn’t have gone near him, much less want him to be a part of something…well, fun. He knew what people said about him. It didn’t matter, it had been a long time since he had cared what other people thought, plus, he more than welcomed the lack of company. But, the thing is, he knew they were right; he was creepy, and dark, and very, very dangerous. So, he too, often wondered why they had taken him in, why they treated him like something worth saving, worth dragging out of bed for snowball fights, and tea-parties, rather than being sure, like rest of the world was—like he was—that he would just darken everything with any amount of light in it.

That’s what Children of Misfortune were for, right?

A little girl, who should have been more scared of him than anyone, who should’ve wanted him as far away from her and her snowball fights than anyone, could not only go near him, but fail to hesitate as she bounded up to this dark-and-dangerous man, looked into that blood-red eye, and asked him why the sky was crying, gave him flowers, and called him “brother.”

And that was worth more to him than he would ever dare admit aloud.

*****

It was from nightmares about knights, and blood, little girls, dolls, and names that he never mentioned, that Xerxes Break awoke from.

Breath and heartbeat weighed heavily on his chest. Once the memories faded enough for him to remember that, though it may have been real, it was not now, he gritted his teeth together, slamming his fist into the wall behind him. He didn’t care how much pain was pulsating through his hand.

If only it would take his mind off the throbbing in his empty eye socket.

If he had been a weaker man, perhaps he would have screamed, even cried, perhaps he would have whispered something pitifully to the sheets about not wanting to remember again, not wanting nightmares like this one to show their faces in his head. But he had already made a wish, and these nightmares were its descendants. He didn’t have the authority to dream anymore.

All he had was the anger and regret surging through his body, and nowhere for it to go, except make his past a weapon that shattered him just as much as it did his enemies, into glass shards, and cold bones, and bloodstained roles.

Still, there was some part of him that hoped after so many years they would have stopped haunting him. And sure, maybe it wasn’t every night, but they did come. Perhaps that’s why they call them ghosts; There were too many horrors to be reminded of, too many sins to feel guilty for, too little he could do to fix it, and the nightmares were all too eager for the task. One lifetime was not enough for them to let him forget.

They say ‘there’s no rest for the wicked’, and his mind was often cruel enough to remind him.

When he raised his gaze, he saw that the curtain was open just slightly, and something in the sliver of window flickered.

The Mad Hatter sighed, throwing his legs over the side of the bed.

It was awfully cold.

He stepped up to the window, gently pulling back the curtain, just enough so he could see.

He drew in a breath softly, his eye widening at the view:

It was snowing.

There was enough moonlight to see flakes falling upon the grounds—which were cloaked in white by now.

Like that time years ago, for the whole month, the only thing that fell from the clouds was rain, and finally, the sky decided that Christmas Eve was no time to be laying in bed, sleeping, or else dreaming about past follies.

“Well, Shelly-sama, what do you think?” he spoke softly to the merciful sky, “One last snowball fight?” he paused a moment, turning, leaning against the window, as if waiting for an answer to be whispered in his ear.

He stepped over to his wardrobe, throwing a coat over his pajamas, taking up some winter gloves, putting on socks and boots, and, as always, placing Emily on his shoulder (she wouldn’t want to miss this).

Lighting the candelabra on his nightstand, he ventured into the hallway, making his way toward Sharon’s bedroom.

Opening the door as quietly as he could, he walked in, setting the light on her nightstand.

Sharon was sleeping soundly on her curtained bed, her hair splayed all over the sheets, wrinkled in the night’s sleep, and she hugged her pillow.

He resisted the urge to laugh at her un-proper appearance.

Break sat on the side of her bed, by her head, saying quietly,

“Ojousama.”

She stirred in her sleep, muttering something indecipherable.

He gently ran his hand through her hair, saying louder, “Sharon.”

She blinked open fuchsia eyes to see her servant.

“Break,” she muttered his name softly.

Slowly, she sat up, yawning, looking around.

“Break, what’re you…?” she began, fatigue weighing down her words, then shook it away by shaking her head, “What are you doing in my room?! In the middle of the night! How dare you wake me up!”

He knew what was coming next: she grabbed one of the pillows, and he dodged it before she hit him with it. “Do you think you can just come in here as you please?!”

“Really, Ojousama,” he laughed, standing back up, “You think I’d risk injury without good reason?”

She folded her arms over her chest, pouting. He walked over to the window, throwing open the curtain, standing beside it.

“This better not be one of your pranks, Break,” she muttered, walking over to the window.

“Relax. When have I ever been that cruel?”

She glared at him, as if to say I-could-name-a-few-times, then turned to the window, surveying the landscape outside.

Her aggravated expression broke for widened eyes and a smile.

“Break!” she exclaimed, all grievance forgotten, grabbing his hands and spinning him around, “It’s snowing!!” she let go of him, and jumped up on the bed, repeating, “It’s snowing!! It’s snowing!!”

He smirked, folding his arms over his chest; No matter how old she really was, she still looked like that little kid to him.

“What do you say?” he helped her down from the bed, “One last snowball fight?”

“What are you talking about ‘one last’?” she grabbed the pillow and managed to catch him off guard this time. “You better not be talking about that again!”

She didn’t wait for him to respond as she dropped the pillow and ran over to her wardrobe, found a little coat to throw over her nightshirt, boots, and gloves, then handed him a ribbon to tie her hair back.

“Ready?” he tapped her on the shoulder when he had finished tying her hair.

She nodded, beaming.

They weren’t too far from Reim’s room when Break asked her to hold the candelabra, and stepped down the stairs to the front door.

“Where are you going?” she asked, “Reim’s room is this way.”

“This will only take a moment,” he grinned.

She put her hand on her hip, scowling at him as he ran out the front door. Quickly he returned, with the first snowball in his gloved hand.

“Break! Just what are you intending to do with that?!”

“You’ll see!” said Emily.

Sharon sighed, placing her head in her hand.

Reim stayed at the Rainsworth’s often enough that he had his own room (albeit, not a very fancy one). They quietly entered it to see the servant laying on a bed, much neater than either of theirs, facing away from them. His glasses, and some extra paperwork he just couldn’t leave at work, lay dormant on his nightstand.

Break tiptoed up to his friend, gently pulled back the collar of his shirt, and stuffed a snowball down the back of his shirt.

It was a moment before it took effect, but when it did, Reim skyrocketed out of bed, dancing around, until the snow fell onto the floor.

Break could barely contain his laughter.

He rested his hands on his knees panting. When he regained his bearings enough to figure out what had just happened, and saw Break laughing, he shouted,

“XERXES, YOU BASTARD!!”

Reim lunged at Break, at which the older man only needed to step out of the way, to make Reim trip onto the floor.

“Yes, a tired Reim-san, without his glasses, is definitely a match for me,” he remarked, leaning over him,

“A normal Reim-san isn’t exactly a match either!” Emily squeaked.

“Now, now Emily,” Break chided his doll playfully, “we mustn’t rub this sort of thing in people’s faces.”

“I’m gonna kill you,” Reim’s voice was muffled by the floor

Break laughed, “Is that so?”

“All in good fun!” Emily chirped.

“It’s not fun for me!” he retorted, sitting up, “How can your idea of fun be tormenting your best friend!” Reim got up off the floor and sat on his bed.

“Come now, Reim-san, ‘torment’ is a little harsh, don’t you think?”

“I meant what I said! I mean, who in their right mind thinks a good way to wake their friend up is to stuff freezing-cold snow—”

He interrupted himself, looking at each of them with question in his eyes. He repeated the word, “Snow…?”

Sharon and Break grinned at each other.

Break helped his friend up, saying, “And whoever said I was in my right mind? Didn’t you know? All the best people are mad.”

Reim rolled his eyes.

Sharon and Break stepped up to the window to unveil the answer to his question. Reim followed to inspect the view outside.

Then he looked at each of them, shaking his head and smiling. “Really, you two, after all these years…”

He trailed off, going over to his wardrobe to put on the winter clothes he kept there.

They barely had time to blow out the candles before Sharon grabbed both their hands and dragged them out into the moonlit hall.

They were like little kids trying to get a peek at Santa; bumbling down the hall, almost falling over each other, shushing each other, as they made their way through the manor, down the stairs, out the front door, into the cold grounds.

Even with their winter clothing, the cold still crept in. The snow muffled ordinary sounds, falling seamlessly, sparks of scattered moonlight gleaming off the flakes.

“So, we’ll—” Reim was interrupted by Break throwing a snowball at the back of his head.

“Oy! I was talking!” he whirled around.

“What’s there to talk about, Reim-san?” Break tossed another snowball up and down in his hand.

“I was simply—”

This time it was Sharon who threw the snowball at his face.

“Nice shot, Ojousama,” Break mentioned.

“Thank you,” she grinned, “You’re next, Xerx-niisan.”

“Alright, you two are going down,” Reim challenged.

“That’s more like,” Break smirked.

It didn’t make sense that three adults could have so much fun doing something so childish as playing in the snow. But between exploding snow and shouting, their laughter was what radiated like light from the scene. Maybe they forgot they weren’t children, they forgot that they had grown up things to do, responsibilities to attend to, and that the world was really comprised of blood and pain, and worthless names, not innocence and friendship.

The mad tea party, forever trapped in a moment, forgotten by time.

It was a while later when another voice broke through:

“Hey, what are you guys doing?”

They paused, turning to see Oz at one of the balconies.

“Our humblest apologies, Oz-sama!” Reim shouted back, bowing low, “We didn’t intend to be so loud!”

“No worries!” he yawned, “Are you…having a snowball fight?”

“That’s right, Oz-kun,” Break answered, “Would you like to join us?”

“Really?! You’ll let me?!”

“Sure,” he tossed a snowball up and down in his hand again, “but we certainly won’t be going easy on you!”

Oz beamed. “Hang on a sec! Lemme grab Gil and Alice!”

Not long afterwards, they heard the all-too-familiar sounds of Gilbert and Alice shouting, and they their annoyed faces appeared on the balcony.

“Why are you three having a snowball fight at 6:00 in the morning!” Gilbert yelled down to them.

“Oh? You scared you didn’t make the cut?” Break taunted . “Clown! Is this your doing?!” Alice demanded, “I’ll come down there and make you pay for waking me up!”

As Break spoke to them, Reim saw it as an opportunity to get his own revenge, and snuck up behind him. Break, of course, still heard him coming and, once again, tripped him, as he got close.

Break walked around him in a circle, grinning shaking his head, “You’re going to have to try harder than that to beat me.”

Reim gave an expression akin to Gilbert’s evil eye.

Break kicked some snow onto his head as he walked by, just to rub it his face (quite literally).

Oz, Gilbert, and Alice tumbled down the front steps, already laughing and yelling at each other before they even joined the fight.

“Well look who it is,” Break taunted, leaning over them, then Emily continued,

“The dumb bunny, the spoiled brat, and—” he didn’t get to finish, because the two lunged at him.

There weren’t really any teams, or way of keeping score—it was everyone against everyone else, though each of them had their own approach: Gilbert had a more meticulous method; creating a stash of snowballs, and walls to hide behind, (often getting hit in the building process). Oz was would sneak up on people, and took particular pleasure in knocking down, or stealing, Gil’s hard work, while Alice ran around pelting everyone in sight, holding a particular grudge against anyone who landed a hit on her (who were mostly Break and Oz).

Near the end of their fight, as Break snuck up on Sharon, just about to land a hit on her, he found himself falling, and was then somehow on the other side of the yard,

He paused to regain his bearings, and stood back up to his full height, quickly discerning what had happened.

“Is that really fair, Ojousama?” he called across the yard, knowing she had used her Chain.

She chuckled like it was a trivial offense, “Since when have you cared what’s fair Xerx-niisan?”

Well, she got me there.

It was at this moment he felt a rush of cold! against his neck, and tensed, resisting the urge to spill some choice words. He spun around to see that Reim had been waiting behind a nearby tree and, as he addressed his mistress, Reim had managed to get the perfect revenge.

Break pulled back his shirt to make sure the snow fell, scowling at his friend.

“Say it,” Reim folded his arms over his chest.

“What? That you got me?”

Reim’s expression was unmoving.

“I’ll say nothing of the sort, Reim-san,” he flicked his glasses, “After all, you merely copied me. You should be more creative next time.”

Reim’s fingers curled into fists, practically growling at him.

“I didn’t know we could use Chains!” Oz called, running up to them, having noticed Sharon’s expert use of Eques, (but not the following exchange between Break and Reim.)

“Seaweed-head! Release my limiter!” Alice shouted when she heard, “I want to smash the clowny bastard to smithereens!”

“Is that so?” Break called, “You really want to go down that path, Alice-kun?” Break smirked evilly, “My Mad Hatter would destroy you before Gilbert-kun even had the chance.”

“You wanna go, clown!” Alice hollered, and Gilbert had to hold her back to keep her from rushing at him with teeth and claws.

Reim looked worried, and Oz—wearing a similar expression—spoke in hushed tones, “No, Alice! You don’t want to go up against his Mad Hatter!”

“Try me, Manservant!”

“Break! No one wants to see you killing yourself over some stupid fight with some little girl!” Gilbert scolded.

“Oy! Who you callin’ ‘some little girl’?!” Alice snapped at Gilbert.

That seemed to return Reim to his senses,

“That’s right!” Reim scolded, “What did I tell you about being reckless with your powers?!”

“Always so tense, you two,” he walked up to Alice and ruffled her hair, “I’m only teasing.”

Alice broke free, and the fight resumed, though the others were glad to see neither managed to draw blood, and that it quickly returned to the antics of the snowy game.

And for one brief moment, Break forgot about everything else. About the nightmares, the regrets, and the answers he clung to so desperately as a reason to keep himself from falling further. And for one moment, he could see those flickering lights behind dark eyes, and he was happy he could feel the cold biting his skin, he was happy he could see their faces—rosy-cheeked, all smiles and laughs, even if they were yelling at him—for one precious flicker of a moment, he was happy to be alive.

That moment would end. The shadows would crawl back from the corners of his mind, the smiles would become fake again, the world would become a wax museum of happiness. Reasons that were just that, empty reasons; desire had left them behind in an alleyway long ago, for better, darker wishes. The pain would come back, and once again he’d convince himself, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care about them. About what happens to me. The snow white chaos would return to tears too fast. But in this moment, it was okay. He was okay.

Sharon and Reim ran at him, but instead of getting out of the way, this time he let them bowl him over, the three of them collapsing in the snow.

Shock flitted across their faces, which broke for smiles.

He wanted to say he was sorry. He wanted to tell them over and over I love you both so very much. But he wasn’t the only one who knew that those words falling from Xerxes Break’s lips was all too close to admitting defeat. Because if he admitted he cared, then he wouldn’t be able to let them go when the end came. And he knew it would come all too soon. His lips wouldn’t dare betray him with such miserable words.

So they settled for a smile.

His real smile. Not the smirks and grins he gave away at a moment’s notice. The smile that was barely perceptible, but which, for them, captured within its folds more sunlight than anything else in their world.

Sharon and Reim glanced at each other, then smiled back at him, deciding not to sully the moment with words.

And, as soon as it came, the true smile was replaced with a smirk.

“You two really are gullible,” he put snow in their hair.

They jumped up, shouting his name, trying to rub it out, then quickly ran after him.

He couldn’t tell them the truth. He couldn’t tell them that he was thinking how this might be his last Christmas. He couldn’t tell them how he was wondering if they would still put his stocking on the mantelpiece when he was gone.

He didn’t get a chance to anyways, because it wasn’t long afterwards when beads of citrus and crimson light began tracing the navy sky.

They paused, panting, raising their eyes to look into the sunrise.

For a moment they stared silently at the art the morning made of daybreak, gentle smiles tracing their lips at the beauty.

Then Oz broke in, exclaiming,

“Merry Christmas, everyone!”

“Merry Christmas!” they answered, a little tiredly.

“What do you guys think?” Reim asked, “Ready to go inside?”

“Aww, but we were having so much fun!” Oz protested, trying to mask the fatigue in his voice.

“Easy for you to say, we’re exhausted!”

“To be fair, we were out here much longer than them,” Break panted, realizing just how tired he was. “Perhaps I have gotten old after all. If you youngin’s want to go on—” he flapped a shirt sleeve their direction.

“There he goes again calling himself old!”

Sharon broke in, “Don’t you want to open presents?”

“Presents?!” Oz repeated, like a dog who had seen a squirrel, glancing at Gilbert and Alice, his grin widening.

They began to make their way inside, still laughing and talking about the plays they each had made, and how they would eventually get each other back. As they walked back, instead of joining the conversation, Sharon gently tugged on the corner of Break’s coat, holding him back.

He turned to see that instead of the tired, but joy-full smile that had traced her face moments earlier, she was hanging her head low.

“Ojousama?” he asked worriedly, crouching down beside her, seeing tears begin to grace her cheeks.

The others noticed, and stopped too.

“Xerxes! What did you do?!” Reim demanded.

“Yeah, Break! How dare you make a girl cry on Christmas?!” Oz questioned, running up to her.

He rolled his eyes at them.

“I’m fine, everyone,” Sharon reassured them, giving a somewhat plastered smile, “I’ll just be a moment.”

They all glanced at each other, knowing something was clearly wrong.

“Are you sure?” Gilbert asked.

“Yeah, Sharon-chan, if you need something—”

“Yes. Please, go inside. Break and I will catch up with you.”

They glanced at each other.

“Alright, Sharon-chan. Just let us know if you need anything, okay?” Oz put a hand on her shoulder.

“Thank you, Oz-sama,” she smiled.

The others gave similar smiles back to her, then they gave Break a collective you-better-not-make-this-worse look before walking up the stairs into the manor.

“Sharon?” he asked softly.

No matter how many years went by, he still couldn’t handle the sight of a child in tears.

“Xerx-niisan,” he could tell she was fighting back against the tears, “What if… What if this is your last Christmas?”

He gasped; he didn’t expect her to be thinking about the same thing.

“What if…” she continued, breath taut, “What if we never get to have another snowball fight? What if…?”

“Well,” he rubbed his neck, looking away, “you and Reim can still—”

“Don’t act like everything will be the same when you’re gone!” she threw snow into his face.

He fell back onto his elbows, gently brushing it out of his hair. After a moment a laugh bubbled in his throat, and he put his hand on his face.

“What’s so funny?!” she demanded, scowling.

Obviously that was the wrong thing to do.

If only she had chosen someone else to comfort her; someone like Oz, who could read the situation, and chose his words carefully. Or Gilbert, who was sensitive enough to understand. Even Reim would be better, despite his rather unemotional, straightforward nature. But she had chosen him.

“It’s funny…to tell you the truth,” his voice became more serious, “It’s just…I was thinking about the same thing.”

Shock added to the concoction of hurt and yearning in her eyes.

“Y-You were?”

He looked at the ground and nodded ever so slightly.

“How dare you laugh at that?” she balled a fist in the snow, but the strength seemed to leave her.

She shook her head, tears fluttering back to her eyes, “You can’t…Xerx-niisan, you can’t! I…I don’t want to be alone!” she put her arms around him and fell onto him.

His eye was wide, his breath harsh and cold as he looked at the girl in his arms, forgetting for a less than a moment that she was not that little girl in a darkened room, surrounded by coffins.

He shook his head of the memory.

“You won’t be alone, you’ll have Reim, and Sheryl-sama, and—”

She lifted her head to scowl at him, as if to say must-I-repeat-what-I-said and he cleared his throat, changing his method of attack.

“Well, I won’t go down easy, that’s for sure. But, despite how it might seem,” he gently ran his finger along her cheek, giving that sad but true smile, and whispered, “I am not that strong.”

“You think you can talking about you dying all the time and I’ll just—?!” she tried to fight back, to be angry, but her words fell like the snow, and she murmured again, she let her head fall back onto his shoulder, and whispered back, “Xerx-niisan…”

He gently wrapped his own arms around her.

“I want to be there for you…” she murmured, “I don’t want you to do something stupid…You’re always running into fights without a second thought…” she sobbed for a moment before saying, “Maybe we could…maybe we could stop it? I-I could go into the fights with Eques…Oz-sama and Gilbert-sama—”

He pressed a kiss into her hair, and as she lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him with the wide and teary eyes of her younger self. The look in his eyes was enough to say I’m sorry, Sharon.

“It’s just like I told you, Ojousama,” he ran his fingers through her hair, and murmured into her ear, “No matter how much I may want it to, I can’t stop it from raining.”

She lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him.

“No matter how much we might want it to, we can make the snow fall. Our wishes can’t change things. Even if…” his words were blown by the wind into the stars.

She shook her head gently, murmuring that name.

“Just promise me you won’t make any illegal contracts to bring me back,” he laughed a little, which turned into a grimace, and she knew just how serious he was being.

She smiled for the first time since the conversation started. “I promise.”

For a moment they sat there, together, in a sort of limbo, watching as the sunrise turned into a light blue sky—a present sorrow caught between the earlier joy, wondering which emotion of the two would soon come. Moments were so finicky.

“I can’t promise I’ll have another Christmas, but we still have today. Let’s not waste it with talking about depressing things.”

She nodded, smiling.

He gently reached down and picked her up.

“Xerx-niisan!” she protested at first.

He touched her nose with his finger.

After a moment, as he took her inside, she rested her head against him sleepily, murmuring, “Xerx-niisan, I don’t want…I don’t want you to pretend you’re okay for my sake.”

His eye widened and he jerked his head to look at her.

“Don’t give me that look,” she responded, “I know you do it. You think I can’t handle it.”

He took a deep breath, “I’m fine, Ojousama,” he murmured, and smiled, “It’s Christmas, after all.”

She shook her head, “No you’re not!”

Once again he kissed her head gave her his real smile, “No, really, Sharon. I am. At least for today.”

The smile she returned was real too.

And that was worth far more to them than either of them needed to say aloud.

[kaz11283]

Love Never Wins

Summary: Words will be said but do you really think either one of you mean them. Sometimes actions speak louder.

Warnings: slight angst

Characters: Loki, Thor, Y/n, Clint, avengers in the background here and there

Loki x you, Thor x you (platonic), Clint x you (brother,sister)

ANNOUNCEMENT: Not going to lie. This was going to be a simple short sweet straight to the point drabble but it turned into such a looooong one shot (i guess) I was in a good head space wgile writing this and just couldnt stop really. But it is something that I am very proud of.

ANNOUNCEMENT 2: I've had to make this a simple 2 part. I got way to carried away with everything in it!

Loki Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What's going on with you?" You yelled as you grabbed Loki by the arm pulling him away from the girl who was obviously flirting with him and he with her.

"What are you talking about? We were talking." He yelled back.

"You were flirting Loki in front of everyone! Openly! Don't play me for the fool you think I am. You've been off lately. Not around as much, zoning out when we finally have some time together. If there's something you want to say tell me now." You felt the tears rush to your eyes. You had seen all the signs, hell you were an expert at the signs. Multiple boyfriends had given you the signs before but for some reason you though that maybe, just maybe, he was diffrent.

"I just feel like we've grown apart in the last few months y/n. I don't think I can do this anymore." he said simply.

"You said I brought out the best side of you, that I was the love of your life." You said tears streaming down your face now, to hell with the makeup you was wearing you wasn't going back to the party anyways.

"You're not." He stated simply clenching his jaw.

"Ok fine. It's not the first time I've been broken up with. Just the first time that I had ever put so much into someone that I truly did see a future with just to have my heart completely ripped out in front of me. You got me good this time trickster. Don't think I'll be able to fully recover from this one." You spat back at him before turning to head up stairs to your room that the two of you had shared for so long.

Luckily Tony hadn't done anything to the room you had once occupied on a lower level of the tower so you easily moved all of your clothing back into there in a matter of no time. You weren't use to the feeling of being alone but thats all you wanted right now for the rest of your life. The god of tricks had ruined other men for you, he had once shown you love like you had never felt, and now your heart broke like it had never broke before.

"Hey sis, noticed you weren't- oh god what did he do?" Clint asked walking into your room. "Knew something was up. I could feel it."

"Hawk stop with the twin shit, its creepy." You huffed whipping your eyes on the back your long sleeve hoodie.

"What happened? All I know is you two disappeared, he came back, you didn't, and he said I should probably find you in your old room." He sat down next to you.

"We broke up. Easy as that. Ya know I never understood why they say not to date your co workers till today." You shrugged turning to him. "When we first got together you hated it-"

"To be fair he did brainwash me."

"I didn't say you didn't have a right. We kept it from you for a while though. But we hadn't been together long, Hawk, I thought he was diffrent from any man I ever dated-"

"Well he is a god, kinda different."

"Would you shut up so I can vent just for a little bit then you can go back to the party."

"Na, parties lame anyways, I was thinking about hanging out here for a little bit." He said kicking his shoes off and proping his feet on the coffee table throwing his arms across the back of the couch.

"Whatever," you rolled your eyes as you snuggled into your brother. "He was so kind, gentle, he was paciant with me. He knew that me and you were close and he didnt wamt to get in the way of that. He wanted us to be closer than he and Thor was. I think it helped him realize just how important family is when you only have each other. We kept it a secret for so long though." You pulled the hood up closer to your face. You didn't want to admit to yourself but you had kept the jacket because it still smelled like him.

"Nat seen the two of you making out in the hall weeks before you told anyone by the way." He laughed pulling you closer to him. " I didnt say anything though because I knew you would tell me when you were comfortable with it."

"I love him so much and he played me. Completely tricked me into these feelings that I dont think will ever change." You sobbed wrapping your arms around his waist, he through his arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer.

"Hes a dick with a god complex. Hes not good enough for you at all. Coming from a brother, a twin brothers point of view, I think you could do better. All is fair in love and war, but dont put it past me to be a little rougher on him during training, and I wont point anything out if you happen to let some bad guy kill him on the field." He said kissing the top of your head.

"Hawk, you know I'm not like that. I habe a reputation to up hold." You said slapping his arm before pulling away. "If you wanna stay theres still some of your sweats that I stole in the bedroom and ice cream in the freezer, but your sleeping on the couch. Its been since we were kids that we shared a bed but I bet you still kick."

~~~~

A few weeks had passed since you and Loki had called it quites. You had been mainly staying in your room trying not to cause any uncomfortable silence if you and Loki wede in the same room. On one occasion when you had ventured out to the living room you seen Loki holding an icepack to his eye and a busted lip, your first instinct was to rush over and make sure he was ok but instead you turned and took a seat between Thor and Clint.

"Lady Y/n, as always your peresnts lights up the room. We just havent been seeing much of it as of late." Thor greeted you with a warm smile throwing his huge arm ober your shoulder, making you look smaller than you already was.

"No more gods." Clint mumbled beside you.

"Thor is just a friend. One of the best I have." You laughed. "What happened?" Nodding toward Loki.

"Payback." He shrugged.

"Ah yes, it turns out Loki is not very good at hand to hand combat unles he is able to use his magic." Thor laughed. "I always tried to get him to train with me but he never did, turns out he probably should have."

"Oh for god sakes I'm right here and you three are not really whispering. I shouldn't have to learn hand to hand combat I have my sedair! I'm assuming it was just your brothers idea so that he could get back at me." He yelled.

"And you forget that there could come a time when you might need hand to hand. I told you many times that you needed to train but no mister 'I'm Loki prince of Asguard, burdened with glorious purpose', mister I have my magic. Bullshit. Your just sour because a mear mortal bested you at something. Grow a pair and learn how to actually fight." You jumped up. You had finally snapped. It had been coming tough sitting in you waiting for the right, or wrong, time to show up.

"You watch your tone!" He shouted jumping up. "I know how to fight better than half the people in here." Clint and Thor slowly stood watching the scene in front of them neither one know what to do.

"You know how to use your pixie dust to make things happen! Well guess what tinker bell this aint Neverland. We get in weird predicaments all the time you never know what to expect." You yelled back. "Hell Loki, your probably so bad at hand to hand even I could beat you."

"Oh your on. Training room, 30mins. That is unless your scared?" He said giving you a mischievous smirk.

"Trust and believe I'm not afraid of you by any means. No weponds, no sedair strictly hand to hand." You said turning on your heel to walk to your room to get ready leaving Clint and Thor standing alone in the living room aww struck.

"So what do we do?" Clint finally asked.

"Well of course we have to stop this. It will not end very well." Thor answered.

"So tell the others?"

"Yes you tell the others I will get refreshments for the battle." They took off in seprate directions.

[keenerparkerstark]

All I see is green (5/?)

All I see is green (4/?)

Ship: Harley Keener/Peter Parker

Summary: Peter Parker feels on top of the world! Getting good grades in high school, spending time with Tony Stark (!!!) on his weekends, and at night, he roams the city as the hero known as Spider-Man! Everything changes when a new student shows up at Midtown who seems determined to take it all away from him.

AO3 | FF.net

“Slow your roll, asshole, unless you want some extra holes in that body of yours.”

Harley put up his hands, immediately without turning around, and stopped walking, remembering what Tony had told him about the dangers of walking around on your own in New York. He couldn’t help but glance down at the, most likely, ridiculously expensive jacket he was wearing, which Tony had insisted on buying him. Combine this with his lithe, youthful appearance, and you basically had a bright neon sign over his head that says: ‘Rob me, please!’

“I don’t want any trouble,” he states for good measure, and turns his head slightly to try and catch a glimpse of what his attacker is doing. He barely caught sight of a figure with a hoodie drawn over his cap, casting an impenetrable shadow over his face, with a black-clad arm reaching out to the back of Harley’s head, when he felt a harsh cold pressure to the back of his head, and flinched away when he realised that it was the barrel of a handgun.

“No funny games,” the figure behind him grunted. “Just slowly reach down, take out your wallet and phone and hand them to me. Don’t even think about turning around, screaming, fighting or running away, because I will put a bullet in your brain before you can finish the thought.” Harley shivered, a lump in his throat making it difficult to breath. His hand trembled as it reached into his jacket pocket, and took out his phone, reaching back to hold it out for the figure to take. It was yanked out of his hands without warning.

“Your wallet,” the voice pressed urgently behind him, “and hand over your watch too.” His watch… Harley’s heart skipped a beat as he was reminded of the elaborate smart watch that sat on his wrist, equipped with all kinds of applications and gadgets, and a panic button that sends a distress signal straight to Tony. Of course!

“M-my wallet is in my backpack,” Harley stuttered out, raising his hands up again. “Let me take off my watch.” Keeping his hands in the air to show that he wasn’t taking out anything else, Harley started fidgeting with the claps of his watch. With as much subtlety as he could muster, he pressed the tiny red knob on his watch, which vibrated gently in acknowledgement. Just as he finished unclasping the watch, another voice echoed through the alley, this time from up high.

“You know, most people don’t really appreciate being held at gun point. You might want to stop that.” Harley let out a sigh as relief washed over him, making his knees buckle under him. He knew that voice… He had heard it hundreds of times before in YouTube videos and the like. Immediately, an arm wrapped around his neck in a choke hold, his own hands involuntarily flying up to desperately grasp at the grip, and he was drawn backwards until his back met the figure’s chest. The cold pressure of the gun has shifted to his temple, and he squeezed his eyes closed in fear as he gasped for breath.

“Get the fuck out of here, Spider-Man, or I’ll put a bullet in this fucking kid!” Harley heard a thud as Spider-Man landed in front of them, but didn’t dare open his eyes, his world narrowed down to the metal against his temple and the arm around his throat. He felt the chest behind him rapidly moving up and down as his attacker takes in one panic breath after another.

“Okay, hey, slow down, there’s no need for that.” Spider-Man’s voice had lost its earlier lightness, and sounded almost stern. “I ain’t looking for trouble if you’re not making it. You got what you wanted. Just let the kid go, and walk away.” Suddenly, Harley felt the gun being taken away from his temple as the figure behind him shoved him aggressively, and he stumbled forward, eyes snapping open and only seeing red and blue as a pair of spandex clad arms caught him gracefully. He looked up at Spider-Man’s mask, but it was facing forward determinedly, as he helped Harley stay upright.

“Stay here, Harley,” he spoke firmly, and he was off, a web slinging him to the furthest end of the alley, where, as Harley now noticed, the perpetrator was making a quick escape. He did not get far, however, as Spider-Man made quick work of webbing up his feet, and dragging him by his lower body towards the wall, continuously shooting webs at him to make the robber stick to it.

Harley let out a shaky breath as all adrenaline seemed to rush out of him simultaneously, and he could barely make it to the wall before his knees gave out entirely, dropping down on the concrete below, which emitted a strong stank of urine. He felt tired beyond belief, and wanted nothing more in that moment than to close his eyes, and fall asleep, be unconscious for a while and wake up in his bed in Tennessee by his sister jumping on his bed, and the smell of freshly fried eggs. He didn’t notice when the tears started falling, but soon enough there were wet patches on his jeans where his face was pressed against his knees, which he had drawn to his chest in an attempt to make himself as small as humanly possible.

A sudden presence beside him startled him, but he calmed down when he realised it was none other than New York’s wallcrawler, sitting on a urine-flooded alley next to a crying teenager who felt home sick. He didn’t even say thank you… Harley started furiously wiping at his eyes, and sniffed a few times before he managed to find some form of composure. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but was cut off by Spider-Man, who spoke first.

“I got your phone back.” It was then that Harley noticed the hand that was holding out the phone to him. He took it with a grateful smile, and an unreadable mask with white lenses glared back at him. Say thank you, say thank you, say thank you…

“I’m sorry.” Wait, what? Spider-Man’s head cocked in confusion.

“What are you sorry for, Harley? None of this was your fault.”

“I know, I know, but I should have known better than to- Wait a minute… How do you know my name?” Harley suddenly remembered Spider-Man calling him ‘Harley’ earlier as well, although he had been too out-of-it to notice at the time. Suddenly, the mask was not as unreadable as it had seemed earlier when the white lenses gave away the widening of the eyes underneath. “Uh, I mean, I know all the names of the citizens of New York!”

“What, like Santa Claus, or something,” Harley laughed incredulously, both curious, worried and amused about the situation.

“I mean, would you believe me if I said yes?” Harley just raised an eyebrow in return, slowly feeling the weight on his shoulders lift some more. “Yeah, I figured as much. Okay, so, here’s the truth. Mr. Stark told me about you.” Of course!

“That makes sense. Tony mentioned you to me before too! But don’t worry, nothing about your identity, or anything. Just that you had needed his help.” Spider-Man let out an awkward laugh at that.

“Yeah, Mr. Iron Man and I are what I like to call co-dependant. He needs me as much as I need him.”

“I really don’t, Underoos,” a voice from beside them spoke, uncharacteristically quiet. Both Harley’s and Spider-Man’s heads snapped up at the sound of Tony Stark’s voice, and stared at him as he stood before them, the Iron Man armour only a couple steps behind him, opened up. “I think of it more as a mentor-mentee relationship, where you screw up sometimes, and I try to help you not screw up.”

“Mr. Stark,” Spider-Man laughed, but he was cut off by Harley getting up and launching himself at Tony, trembling from head to toe, the impact of the evening hitting him again at full force at the sight of his pseudo-dad.

“Shh, it’s okay, kiddo,” the older man whispered in his ear, as he pressed him close to his chest. “I’ve got you. I’m right here.” As Harley stood there, tightly wrapped up in Tony’s embrace, a soft thwip was the only thing indicating Spider-Man’s quiet departure from the scene. Distant police sirens could be heard approaching.

“You, my friend, have had the craziest week ever, and that including the one where you were bitten by a radioactive spider and gained superpowers.” Peter groaned pathetically from his position on Ned’s lap, the latter of whom simply ignored him for the sake of stealthing his way across whatever video game he was playing, his hands holding the controller resting on Peter’s chest.

“Tell me about it,” Peter whined. “At least getting bitten by that spider and everything that followed was just facts, you know? This all involves feelings and social behaviour and puberty-”

“As much as you’re my best friend, and I truly sympathise with you,” Ned interjected, as he casually took out at least four other players as he was talking. “I think you’re overthinking this. Be honest with yourself! The answer to all your current problems is right there: just talk to Harley! God knows he could use some friendship after what he went through, and by the way he was hunting you down in school today, it seems he’s really eager to talk to you too.” Peter groaned again, opening his eyes and absentmindedly glancing up at his best friend, who’s full focus seemed to be on the TV screen in front of him. “Something’s holding you back from talking to him though, am I right? What is it?”

What was it? Honestly, Peter wished he could answer that question. Harley genuinely seemed to want to talk things out with him, and after his conversation with Mr. Stark, there was no real grudge that Peter found himself holding against the other teenager. It sounded like the boy was going through a lot, and in his own way, he was standing up for somebody he loved, or, at least, he thought he was. What had happened that evening was intense, much more than anybody should ever have to go through. Peter had been held at gun point more times that he could count, a job hazard, you could call it, but he never got used to the feeling that the person holding the gun could end everything in a split second, no questions asked, no going back. All they had to do was pull the trigger, and it would all be over. Peter squeezed his eyes closed again as his mind flashed with memories of his uncle, lying there surrounded by a puddle of his own blood…

“I don’t know, Ned,” he responded, a slight tremor in his voice giving away his current emotional state. Ned, ever the graceful friend, did not look away from the screen, but dropped one hand away from his controller, and onto Peter’s chest as a sign of comfort. “I want to talk to him, especially after what happened tonight… Mr. Stark will be there for him, but I just want to know if he’s okay, you know? But then again, I wasn’t there. Spider-Man was. And Spider-Man didn’t get into a fight with him about Tony Stark.”

“Having a secret identity is not easy, Peter.”

“I never thought it would be,” Peter sighed in response. “I just want to know what’s holding me back from talking to Mr. Stark and Harley. I want to, I really do, but every single time I think about it, I feel like some freaky disembodied hand is trying to choke the life out of me.”

“Of course, you’re going to feel anxious about it, Pete,” Ned responded, his hand pressing down slightly. “You feel hurt by both of them. But the only way to get rid of that anxiety is to communicate. Hell, even telling them that the idea of talking to them makes you anxious is already better than the radio silence you’re giving now. Harley’s not stupid: he knows you were avoiding him yesterday.” Peter nodded in understanding, letting his friend’s words sink in.

Honestly, knowing that Harley probably wanted to talk to him about something was both dauntingly terrifying and infinitely comforting. The situation was a chip on both of their shoulders, and they seemed equally eager to move past it, but Peter had no way of knowing how. After all, Harley still seemed awfully friendly with Flash, who hadn’t let up on bullying Peter constantly since their last year of Middle School. He doubted Harley could change his mind about that. But not giving him a chance to redeem himself seemed wrong too, and he could almost hear his aunt in his head, telling him to ‘never write of strangers at first sight, because strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet’. Naïve, but not necessarily wrong.

Tomorrow, Peter promised himself. Tomorrow, he would set aside whatever was holding him back, and talk to Harley.

[kuro-shit-posts]

Could you do “well the probability of that is 0, but you go ahead” with Sebastian??😂

Ok so I may or may not have gotten carried away and made this one really long (and kinda cheesy), also i hope you dont mind but I set it in a modern au, I hope you enjoy!!——–“Well the probability of that is 0, but you go ahead”——–Idly walking through petsmart with a new toy and a bag of salmon flavored kitty treats, you made your way to the checkout. As the cashier rung up your items she smiled and read “$11.37” from the computer screen displaying your total. Smiling you reached into your back pocket to pull out your money, but you were met with only a $10 bill.

“Ugh dammit.” you mumbled to yourself as you turned to your lover,

“Sebastian can you give me the rest of the mon-” looking up, you found that your little demon was no where in sight.

“Sebastian?” you called. Turning back to the lady, you sheepishly said “Ah hah hah just one minute please, my boyfriend seems to have disappeared and he has the rest of the money.”

Cocking an eyebrow the lady said “alright.” clearly not impressed with your level of organization. First you misplace your money then you misplace…your boyfriend.

Deadpanning you realized this was a pet store and knew exactly where to find the idiot demon.

Making a beeline for the cat area, you found Sebastian sitting infront of the cat cage fawning over one of the cats. She was fluffy and black and happily pawed at the glass as you approach.

“Sebastian no.” you said.

He looked up at you with uncharacteristicly emotional eyes

“But shes so beautiful. Look at her caged in there! Its simply horrid!” he said with a pained expression.

“Sebastian it says someone already adopted her, we couldnt adopt her even if we wanted to. Now can we get going i only had a $10 bill and the lady is waiting for me to come back with mor-” without tearing his eyes away from the cat, he shoved $20 in your face and used his hand to motion you away.

You glared at the demon and turned on your heel to go pay for the items you had purchased for the kitty you already had at home. Though you and your love shared the same affinity for cats it was rather difficult to keep his little obsession under control. The two of you lived in a rather small apartment and having one cat was enough, taking into consider the eight to ten cats he would reign in as the day went on, claiming each one “needed” him and it would be “cruel” to leave them outside even though most of the ones he found were just outdoor cats that already belonged to other people.

Grabbing your bag of items you made your way back to where Sebastian sat infront of the cat cage. He had a pale hand, clad with black nails, pressed against the glass as he looked at her longingly,

“Sebastian I already paid, we are leaving now.”

The demon stayed put and refused to look at you,

“Well the probability of that is 0, but you go ahead, I suppose I will meet you at home later.” he retored. Sighing, you knew he had his heart, or lack thereof, set on this little cat.

“Excuse me miss?” you asked a worker passing by.“Is there anyway we can pet the cats?” you said.

Chewing her gum loudly, the teen, clearly very annoyed at her job and you, said “Sorry the only one in there today has already been adopted.”

“Please my boyfriend really likes her an-”

“Sorry no exceptions.”

Glancing over your shoulder at your distracted love, you turned back to the employee and grabbed her forcibly by the collar of her shirt.

“Listen here you snot nosed brat,” you whisper yelled in her face “You see the man over there? Thats my boyfriend and if he doesnt pet that stupid cat hes going to be very disappointed and i dont want to have to deal with his whining the rest of the day, so you will let him pet the damn cat or so help me Jesus i will make it rain hell upon this establishment.”

Looking at you wide eyed, the woman shuffled over to the door and opened it,

“Sebastian,” you called “Shes gonna let you pet the cat, get over here so we can get this over with and go home.” you said.

Crimson eyes lit up as the demon eagerly followed the woman into the room where he was finally able to pet the beloved feline he had been fawning over the past half-hour. Sitting on the desk in the office where they allowed the cats to be pet, you looked down at the idiot sitting on the floor, treating the cat like some type of royalty.

“You really like that cat huh?” you said to him.

“I do. Shes the most beautiful creature Ive ever seen.” he said squeezing her paws. ‘Wow thanks’, you thought to yourself. Looking around you realized the employee from earlier was no where to be found and the exit door was right there.“You want it?” you asked him.

The demon looked up at you like a child on Christmas day

“Are you being sincere?” he asked

“Shes pretty cute.” you replied

“Yes but the sign indicated she was already adopted, did it not?” he said.

“Yea but no ones around and im sure that family isnt going to love her nearly as much as you will…”

The demon looked at you and you looked back at him, and without saying a word to each, you both simultaneously got up, you left some money on the desk so technically you wouldnt be stealing the cat, he shoved the kitty inside his jacket and you both shuffled out the door before anyone could noti-

“Hey!”

the employee from earlier yelled. You and Sebastian broke into a sprint to the car and got in as quickly as possible. You shifted the car into reverse, backed out, shifted back into drive and punched the gas. As you got out onto the main road and the adrenaline died down, you pulled up to a red light and took the opportunity to glance over at Sebastian and the newest addition to your house. With a small smile you watched him coo over the kitty,

“damn idiot” you mumbled.

“Thats not very kind of you.” he said keeping his eyes on the cat.

“I must say though, that little stunt you pulled with the employee earlier was very endearing, i quite like when you get aggressive.” he said.

“Yea im sure you do.” you replied idly as the light turned green.

“Thank you my dear, i do appreciate what you did for me.” he said.

“Well it’s better than having to listen to you complain about not getting to pet your stupid cat.” you said.

He chuckled, “By the way what do you want to name her?” you asked.

“Hmm…” he said “Actually I was thinking you might like to name her.” he replied.

“How about idiot jr.” you said snickering at your own joke.

“Very amusing.” Sebastian replied monotonously.

“I can name her anything I want?” you asked

“Anything you want.” he repeated back to you.

“How about spaghetti?” you said turning onto your street.

“…spaghetti?” the demon questioned.

“Yea its cute.” you said with a smile.

“Im beginning to regret allowing you to name her.” he said “But i am a man of my word. Spaghetti it’ll have to be.” he said.

Pulling into your parking spot, you put the car in park and looked at him.

“Sebastian.” you said. “Now that you have this cat you have to promise me. No. More. Cats. In. The. House.” you commanded.

The demons eyes narrowed at you. After a brief moment of you two staring each other down Sebastian sighed “I suppose your right. No more cats in the house.” he said with a smile getting out of the car.

You glared at how surprisingly well he took your command before your eyes widened as you got out of the car and sprinted after him “No cats in the yard either!”

[catboythanatos]

so... cecilos. i literally had to stop listening to wtnv last night because i couldnt focus on anything else, i was so emotional, i just want carlos and cecil to reunite so badly. their relationship is one of the most genuine and heartfelt things ever. its so amazing. so i stopped listening and i wrote this completely cathartic thing, i just started writing and didnt stop until it was past 4am. its been a long time since ive just written something with no plan just straight from emotional overload, so it was kinda nice. i like how it turned out.

i’m only up to episode 56 so later canon might contradict something in this but idgaf honestly this is some sweet and heartfelt cecilos from the middle of the night. enjoy

Cecil awakes in the desert. There is sand all around him, warm and course against his skin. He isn't sure how he ended up here, having no memory of coming here, but he's woken up in weirder places in the past. He is used to deserts, but this desert is not his own. He can feel it. Something in the air is completely different here.

He rises, brushing the sand off of himself as best as he can, and has a look at his surroundings. There is just desert, as far as he can see. Sand wastes strewn with sad, tiny shrubs and the strangest cacti he has ever seen. There is also a distant, looming shape -- almost mountain-like in size and appearance, however, it's difficult to say what it could actually be. He decides to start his journey towards that shape, drawn to it for reasons he cannot explain. He treks for quite a long time.

As the mountain-like mass gets closer, he sees that there is a light, blinking high upon it. It is red. Blinking lights are always red. The colour evokes an emotion within him. He recognizes it. He knows where he must be. His toes tingle with excitement underneath his sand-covered shoes. There is someone here he is longing to see.

As he continues moving forward, his steps become rapid, and his breaths become strained. He is running now, defying gravity, floating now, flying at maximum speeds. He watches the vast desert pass beneath him, dry and lifeless.

Before he even knows it, Cecil is floating up to a lighthouse. His feet find their way to solid ground, and it is his heart that starts to float next. Leap, perhaps, would be a better word. He can feel his throat tightening as he meets the eyes of the white-coated man standing before him, blinking in awe and confusion.

“Cecil?”

“Carlos?”

“Cecil!”

Carlos throws himself into Cecil’s arms, laughing a joyous laugh that's riddled with secret tears and longing.

“I missed you,” says Carlos, smiling into Cecil’s chest.

“I missed you, too.” Cecil holds Carlos tightly. “Don't scare me like that. I thought you'd be gone forever. I respect your research, and your acts of valiant heroism, but… I just wanted you to come home, Carlos. I've missed you so much.”

“Gosh, Cecil, I… I’m sorry. I missed you, too, more than you could ever even know. I watched you sometimes. I watched you through the photographs in the lighthouse. I saw you frowning, grimacing, whispering for me in the dead of night. I wanted to tell you that I love you, but I didn't want you to be freaked out over me watching you… It sounds silly now, but…”

“That's okay, I understand. Forget all that, Carlos, just… Shut up and kiss me, please,” Cecil begs, not caring about anything right now. What's past is past, what's now is now. It doesn’t matter how many lonely nights he spent longing anymore, because those days will be over now. Carlos is home! Well, Cecil is trapped in this desert otherworld with him. So neither of them are home home, but they're at home with each other.

Kissing Carlos is home. Running his fingers through Carlos’ thick, wavy hair is home. Carlos’ hands cupping his waist, his hand cupping Carlos’ delicate cheek, is home. Carlos and him, kissing, rolling in the sand, laughing, breathless, giggling, touching, being… Home is Carlos. Cecil cares about nothing else anymore in this moment. He loves Night Vale, but he would honestly leave it all behind if it meant Carlos’ sandy, unwashed hair falling into his face, and the feeling of his back pressed against the gentle roll of a sand dune, and callused hands of a scientist stroking his face, as he’s propped up on one elbow above him, staring down at him, eyes filled with love behind dusty, smudged glasses.

Cecil’s mouth had fallen agape, but his eyes were smiling. Carlos’ eyes smiled, too. His perfect lips grinned. He kissed his boyfriend again, laughing bubbly and brightly. Cecil’s heart tightens, filled to the brim with love and adoration. Carlos’ laugh was perfect. His mouth was perfect, his eyes were perfect, his hair, perfect. All was perfect. Carlos was his yet again. He never wanted this moment to end.

But then, just as soon as it had began, it ends.

Cecil awakens, once again. This time, he is in his own bed. This time, alone.

“Oh,” he says simply. “Oh.”

A small, weak whimper slides past his lips.

“Oh, Carlos,” he whispers, as he often does, helplessly into the still of the night. “Oh, Carlos…”

He stares up at the ceiling above him. He clutches at the pillow beside him, empty, devoid of any luscious presence; of any stray perfect hairs to tickle his neck as he shifts under the covers in the night. He sighs.

He sits up on the edge of the bed. The red light from his phone charging on the bedside table creates the only light in the room. It blinks. For a moment, he knows that Carlos would probably be awake right now, being, of course, in a desert otherworld where time is completely different from here at home, but he doesn't think he would understand. Deep down, Cecil knows that Carlos would understand because Carlos loves him, and misses him, and cares about him deeply, but … everything seems so complicated right now. He could call, text, or email him right now, and possibly get an immediate response, but for some reason, he doesn’t.

“I miss you,” he sighs hopelessly instead, as if there might be someone around to hear. There is no one around to hear.

Cecil flops himself back down on his bed, exhaling, long and dramatic. He tries to return himself to the dull lull of sleep. His heart aches so painfully that it is hard to even imagine that Carlos is alive and well and just a click of a button away.

He quietly watches the blinking light on his phone blink for a while, before it dawns on him that blinking signifies a notification. A solid red light is for charging, and a blinking light means something else is happening. He wants to think that different colours of the blinking lights should signify something, but he knows that that's ridiculous, since blinking lights are always red.

He reaches over and collects his phone from the bedside table, and is surprised, not unpleasantly, to see the notification on the screen. It is a Snapchat from Carlos.

The photo is of the night sky. There are specks of stars, and other strange shapes and lights, all along a backdrop of a dark velvety purple. It's obviously hard to capture something like the sky in just a cell phone camera, but it looks remarkably familiar. The caption reads: “How’s my favourite radio host doing tonight?”

There is a subsequent Snap reading “Is it night there?” And another saying “I don't mean to wake you up or anything, if it is. But the sky reminded me of home, and of you.”

Cecil’s chest tightens. The messages are sweet, but he wants Carlos to be here, with him, right now! He can't take one more minute of this treacherous absence.

He half-heartedly lifts his phone above him to snap a photo, in which he is pouting, barely visible in the darkness, one cheek pressed against the pillow.

He types various iterations of whiny ‘I miss you’s and needy demands before backspacing and starting over from the beginning, chewing his lip in frustration and thought.

“Missing my favourite scientist tonight,” he captions it eventually, hitting send in a haste before he can think too deeply about any of it.

It takes less than a minute for Carlos to reply. He has switched to the inside camera of his phone, where he has a sympathetic, but genuine, sad smile.

“I miss you,” it reads.

Cecil has trouble breathing suddenly. He wants Carlos home. He needs Carlos home. It has been days, maybe even a week, since he has even heard Carlos’ voice, and his heart is screaming with longing. If he is free to send photos, maybe he will be free to call…

Cecil brings the phone up to his ear, and the first ring feels like it lasts a century. But a mere millisecond into the second, Carlos picks up.

“Cecil?”

“Carlos,” Cecil breathes, trembling.

“Cecil? Are you feeling alright?”

“It is so good to hear your voice. I’m-- yes, I'm fine, Carlos, I… I just… miss you. I miss you so, so much.”

“Oh, Cecil,” Carlos sighs a beautiful sigh. “I miss you, too.”

“You need to come home now, Carlos.”

“I understand, Cecil. But you know it's not as simple as that.”

Cecil wants to be mad, he wants to scream, he wants to yell at his beloved Carlos, to come home, come home right this instant, I need you to be home, but… he does know.

“I… I know,” he sighs eventually.

“You know I miss you, too,” says Carlos. His voice is genuine, but it just makes Cecil sad.

“I know,” he mumbles.

“Go look at the stars, Cecil.”

“The stars?”

“The stars. Just pull back your curtain and look at them, just for a moment.”

Cecil rises, and walks over to the bedroom window. He does as Carlos asks. The sky is velvet purple with flickers of stars and other distant shapes and lights. “I… am looking at them now. Is there some kind of special surprise here I’m supposed to see?”

“There's not really a special surprise, no. I’ve not found a way back home just yet. I’ve just been looking at the sky a lot recently, and I wanted to share it with you.”

Come to think if it… The sky in Carlos’ picture did look very similar to the sky here in Night Vale. The sky probably looks similar no matter where you go. It is so vast, and everything else is so tiny, so insignificant.

“No matter where we are in the world, there's always a beautiful sky to look at. And if we do it at the same time… it's almost like we’re together.”

Tears prick the corners of Cecil’s eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I really do miss home, Cecil. And I miss you. I guess in a way, you are my home.”

“Have you been dreaming of me at all?” Cecil asks suddenly, recalling the powerful sentiment of his dream.

“I… no, why?”

“Oh. I've dreamt of you a lot. I keep dreaming I'll wake up next to you, or that I’m out in your desert, with you… together. But it's not real... None of it is real. You're never going to be home, are you?”

Cecil’s voice is breaking, and Carlos’ heart feels like it's breaking, too. “Oh, Cecil… Cecil. Baby. Don’t say that…”

Cecil softens considerably at the pet name. Carlos has never called him one before. It's gentle. But there are still tears welling in the corners of his eyes, threatening, dangerous, ready to spill down his face at any moment. “It’s--it’s been forever, Carlos.”

“Oh, honey,” Carlos coos again. “Oh, Cecil. I'll be home soon. I promised. A scientist always keeps their promises. I'm sorry if I've been … distant, recently. I'm sorry if I've made you feel left out with my scientific interest in this world. I haven't exactly been trying very hard to get home to you. It’s not that I don't want to come home for you, it's just that it's so very strange here… So very compelling. You understand, right?”

“Not really, no,” Cecil admits finally. “I don't understand. The most compelling thing to me … is you! I just want you here, I just want… you,” he huffs.

Carlos is silent for a long, long moment.

“I didn't realize that was how you felt, Cecil… Gosh, I… I am so sorry. I've been a real jerk.”

“No, Carlos,” Cecil sighs. “You aren't a jerk. I mean, I was kind of mad at you when you called that community more interesting than my community, but you aren't a bad person… Okay, I was really mad. Is that vague, possibly nonexistent desert even really a community? I disagree with that terminology. And I disagree with your opinion on their ‘scientific interest’. But… that's… okay! You didn't mean any of that. You--you always mean well! I just need you to understand how much I miss you, Carlos. I want you here ... with me! And I want you to feel the same way I do.”

“I understand, Cecil. I completely and actually understand this time. Ugh, you just wanted to be together and I brushed you away to gush about some silly science stuff. I am so sorry! I wish I could be home right now. I'm sorry I haven't been looking for doors home. I will seriously get on that tomorrow, seriously. I- I should have been doing that already. God, I’m sorry. I want to be home. I do feel the same way. I've missed… Oh, oh dear... We've spent our anniversary apart, Cecil, haven’t we. How can I make it up to you?”

“It's okay, Carlos. Sometimes we get invested in things, and forget to care about other things. I forgive you.”

“Really?”

Cecil is still mad, but he isn't lying when he says he forgives Carlos. It's not his fault that he's trapped in that other dimension, and he won't be able to be home instantly no matter how hard he is willing to try. He is definitely mad about the anniversary, but he doesn't see any use in bringing that up right now. Carlos truly feels sorry. The feelings of anger will pass. “Yes. I love you.” Cecil bites his lip, hovering delicately over the next set of words. “And … I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry for making you feel guilty about being interested in that other desert. I'm sorry for being jealous. I just want you home. I’m sorry if that’s selfish of me, but... It's been a really long time now and I just… I want to kiss you again. I want to hold you again.”

“I love you, too, Cecil. And it's okay to be jealous. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be… anything you ever are. I love you no matter what.”

Cecil smiles, wiping up some of his spilling tears with the sleeve of his nightshirt.

“Now, Cecil?” Carlos is saying. His voice is like soft silk, a delicate, private whisper into Cecil’s ear, smooth; seductive; perfect.

“Yes, Carlos?”

“Tell me about your dream. I want to hear what fantastical truths your subconscious makes up about me when I’m not around.”

In another time, in another place, Carlos the scientist is lying down in the cool sand, unwashed sandy hair falling into his face as he stares up at a velvety, purple sky. His one hand rests on his knee, the other clutches dearly to a cell phone at his ear. The desert, vast and all-knowing, spans out wide and far in all directions around him. He pays no mind to this. His full focus and attention is on the smooth baritone voice drawling into his ear. He pictures the images from Cecil’s fantasy with awe, and a vague twinge of melancholy. He smiles, delighted, showing off teeth that are like a military cemetery.

Back home, in the other time and place, Cecil Palmer is yawning. His cheeks are decorated with a deep blush as he rambles embarrassing and personal stories into the distant ear of one that he loves. They talk until the latest hours of the night; until sunlight starts to stream in through the curtains of Cecil's window, too happy and too afraid to let the other hang up.

[angeltonic]

<3 Soft Bias Tag <3

I was tagged by @neorithic aka Rose (thanks bub <3)

I don't know the rules and which bias you’re supposed to talk about but my first ever bias out of everyone was Vernon! So I thought I'd talk about him, my #1, the love of my life.

Here we goooooo 🍃

Who is your bias: Vernon 💕

What made you notice them: Svt was the first group I've really been a fan of, kpop wise. My friend showed me Adore U and Mansae back in 2015 and she pointed out Vernon to me first. I remember seeing him in his long brown hair and bandana and I said: "heck, he's adorable and now Im trapped."

what's your favorite thing about them: My go-to answer would be all of him, as he's quite literally one of my favorite people to ever exist (🙁💕) But the one thing that sticks out is his open-mindedness and perspective on the world. I feel like he's aware of society's faults and where people could improve. To me, he would also be very willing to learn more about the plights of people with different experiences from the ones he's had. I think he would be like that when it comes to anything, really, which is why I think he's very open-minded. He's up for new experiences and challenges, and would be down to learn about anything and everything.

who would initiate skinship more:   (Oh boy, I'm getting soft) I think it would definitely be me, Vernon doesn't strike me as a very physically affectionate person. But I ❤love❤ physical contact, hand holding, hugging, etc. So I feel like I'd be the one leading that department.

who would hog the blankets more:   I know for a fact that I am the most lifeless sleeper in the world. I dont move at all or make any noise what so ever BUT I do love sleeping all cosy and stuff so I just might take a little bit extra from his side.

who would be more clingy:    Im not a clingy person, I do like affection but I wouldnt describe it as clinginess. But I feel like I would miss being around him easier than he would miss being around me, if that makes sense? I'd probably start feeling it in like a week of not seeing him but he probably wont until a little afterwards.

who would say I love you first:     I think I have a lot of love and affection to give, so maybe me? BUT relationships also scare the living fuck out of me, so I'd very much be terrified, which would lead me to possibly not saying anything for a long time. I also think that he's the kind of person where saying I love you is a really big deal, like he really really needs to build that relationship and trust first before anything, so that would delay it for a while too. But I'd probably crack first to be very honest.

who would be more easily flustered:    Oh Christ, I feel like the both of us?? Vernon's ridiculously awkward and so am I. So I think we would make each other flustered and probably joke about it afterwards 😌

What cuddling position would you two have:   You can never go wrong with a good ol' spooning. Im super willing to be either big or little spoon so I dont mind, though I think he might prefer big spoon. I would also not mind him laying on me to be honest? Like on my chest, while I play with his hair. Also, technically not a cuddling position, but I love when people put their head on my lap! Like aw :( thank you for trusting me with your noggin.

which colors remind you of them and why:   One of the things that attract me the most about Vernon is his seemingly calm energy. Simply put, he seems like a super chill guy and I, the Queen of overthinking/anxiety, really need that opposite in my life. This makes me associate him with colors that are calming to me such as: light blue, white, forest green, soft grey, etc.

which season would you like to spend with them:   Literally all of them, my whole life’s worth of seasons. Heck, even my afterlife. But I feel like my favorite would be summer. To me, Vernon feels like the best friend you'd fall in love with and what better season to spend with your best friend than summer, where you're free to make all the memories you want? I think we would do a lot of hanging out in backyards, going to arcades, catching up on some webtoons in the middle of the day while eating some ice cream, or movie nights where we spend time in a fort that took us like 2 hours to make because my perfectionist Virgo mind couldn't get over the pillows being positioned a certain way or something, exploring the city or going to a completely different place we've never been to, outside of the city. I would also take him to all of my family bbqs in Connecticut, where I can teach him how to dance bachata as my mom and tias marvel at the fact that he's at least trying.

who would bake cookies and who would steal the batter:  I think it would be something we do together after spending a few hours at one of our houses. Eventually, it's gonna be baking time. I would mix everything, while he takes little bits out of the bowl cause we know he's usually the type to eat ANYTHING first and then when I try to scold him about salmonella he giggles and offers me some. I, weak and fragile for the boy, accept his offer and pretend to be mad about it.

which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react: LISTEN, half of my humor is made of puns. Now, Vernon is either the King of Reactions or the King of Barely Having a Reaction. I feel like if it was a good one he'd laugh with that silly ass laugh of his and high five me but if it kinda sucked he'd probs chuckle at me with a disapproving look on his face tbh.

which one of you would nearly burn down the kitchen trying to microwave a poptart and who come to the rescue:    V E R N O N. Definitely, Vernon. And then I would run in there, with my heart beating out of my chest because for fuck'sake Vernon, our lease isn't even up yet and you almost burned the place to ashes.

who likes to lean over tall railings and who pulls them back:   I love, love, LOVE high places, so I would lean first. He'd then come over and lean with me but he'd pull away first and would have to drag me away too ://

what would you watching a horror film with them be like:   I love watching horror movies for the simple fact that I find them hilarious and usually laugh throughout the entire thing. At first, I think he'd be like?? why are you laughing?? someone's literally being dragged down to hell in front of us and you're giggling about it? But after he gets used to it, I feel like we'd make really good commentary that leaves us in giggle fits most of the time. Unless he's really really immersed, I wouldnt wanna disrupt something he really likes.

who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt:   I cant flirt for the life of me, I literally dont know, I cant function. I feel like if I tried I'd definitely be cheesy though. As for Vernon, he's also super awkward as I said, so he'd jokingly try to be smooth but it just ends up being cheesy and really funny.

who is more competitive:    I dont associate Vernon with competitiveness at all, he seems like he's just in it to have a good time, with good people. I'm like that too for the most part. But if we're talking Uno, Scrabble, Jeopardy, or Kahoot, Im tearing him a new one.

who would have to be given constant reminders:   I feel like we'd remind each other of things but I would remind him to do simpler things like tidy up the room, or that it's his turn to do the dishes and where the keys are. Whereas, I think he'd have to remind me of things that I forget when I get too caught up in my head like eating properly, sleeping well, and knowing when to stop and enjoy my life.

who sends memes and who sends cute Im miss you text at 3 am:   We both send memes, are you kidding. That'll be most of our chat history, I'd have a whole folder just dedicated to ones I can use in conversation with him. I feel like I'd send the 3 am I miss you texts a lot more often, cause not only am I a super emo cancer moon but I get extra affectionate after like 1 am for WHATEVER reason. Though, I think he'd surprise me with one out of blue because I sure as hell wasnt expecting that from him. But I also think he'd find other ways of showing you he misses you without saying it. He seems like the type where you need to learn how he shows his love through his actions because he wont really do it with words.

And that's the end of that! I rambled so much I'm so so so sorry but I love Vernon with my whole heart and could ramble about him for hours.

Thanks again to Rose for tagging me!! I had a lot of fun.

Im tagging my mother dearest @bright-hao , @tuanm , @jonisuh , @agustminpd  

and anyone else who sees this and wants to give it a go <3

[megabadbunny]

For the DxR fic meme: Nine x Rose; 01 G ☯

(Nine x Rose, Jackie’s flat, midnight, Rose’s diary; from @doctorroseprompts )

***

He knows he shouldn’t, and yet, here he is.

(But it’s not exactly his fault, is it? If she didn’t wanthim to see it, maybe she shouldn’t have left it lying around all public in theopen, conspicuous and winking at him and daring him to take a little peek,wriggling its (figurative) hips like a minx in red throwing a perfumed kissover one shoulder. Never mind the fact that it wasn’t lying around in public somuch as it was in her room, that it wasn’t in the open so much as it was tuckedunder her mattress.)

The Doctor glances around furtively, even though he knows noone will catch him in the act; the flat is empty of any other living thing,save for him and the dust motes colonizing the space beneath the rug. Rose andher oddity of a mum have whisked off somewhere or other (“a proper girls’night”, Jackie might’ve said, or might not have, as the Doctor might not havebeen listening) and Jack is goodness-knows-where with goodness-knows-whom, sothe Doctor figures he’s got a good few hours to himself before anyone returns.And he’s got to find some way to occupy himself, hasn’t he?

(Besides, it isn’t as if he went snooping specifically for it.More like, he snooped, and there it conveniently was. Also, he’s bored.)

Plunking himself down on her bed—not nearly as soft or plushas her TARDIS bed, he thinks with a smirk—the Doctor opens the book to thefirst page.

Dear dairy readsthe first line.

The Doctor chuckles. There is no date scrawled anywhere onthe page, but the scribbles and misspellings amidst very careful and deliberatestrokes tell the Doctor these words were written by someone who had only recentlylearned penmanship, and was determined to do it well.

Dear dairy

Hello how are you? Myname is Rose Marion Tyler. It is my brithday today I am 6 years old.

It’s almost impossible to imagine Rose ever being so young;far easier to picture her emerging fully-grown and stubborn-willed and jeopardy-friendlystraight from inception. But the Doctor tries, and in his mind’s eye he canalmost see her sitting on the bed—no, lying on it, stomach-down, her sock-cladfeet kicking idly in the air. Her hair, unbleached and light brown, would be pulledback into a ponytail, held in place by one of those what d’you-call-it’s. A scrunchie. Her head would bend down inconcentration over the diary as she clutched her pen tightly in her small fist.The Doctor imagines the pen to be pink, glittery, one of those gel-things, hopelesslyand wonderfully childish and girly, and his grin broadens.

Mummy and me had aparty in the park and Lottie and Fred cud not come but Shireen was there andMickey to and his gran and my grandad Prentis. Grandad brung cake from thestore it has had a heart drawed on and my name and there were candels.We had ice cream to. And I had prezents there was a barby and shoes and a newbell for my bike…

The list continues and the Doctor rolls his eyes fondly.Clearly, six-year-old Rose had decided to commit only the most pertinent ofdetails to memory. He flips through perhaps the first quarter of the diary, pausingat a mention of Mickey here, a drawing of a flower there, and watches as Rose’shandwriting grows more confident, her entries more substantial. Her diary is amicrocosm of her adventures with mates, days at school, developing crushes, thelikeability of some of Jackie’s boyfriends and the caddishness of others. Atrandom, the Doctor slips a finger between the pages and opens the diarymid-entry, perhaps a year or two along its timeline.

and it felt awful butI didnt say anything bc he was right I dont have a dad but Keisha got angry andtold him to butt out and mind his own business. So then Nick laughed and madefun of Keisha bout her mum and I thot Keisha might cry so I punched Nick in thenose and it bled and the head teacher says I cant come back to school for aweek. Mum says Im in trouble but she didnt stop granddad from buying me a 99 onthe way home and she said next time do a slap its easier on the nuckles.

The Doctor can just picture Rose, eight years old, eyesflashing and stance wide as she bloodies some little twerp’s nose with herfist. Now that—that is a Rose he has no trouble imagining. Laughing, the Doctorshakes his head and flips to a later entry.

8 Nov 1996

Dear diary,

We went to go see Dad yesterday.

The Doctor pauses, hesitates. He knows what the words mean—they’refigurative, not literal, because it would be another eleven years before Rose sawany more of Pete Tyler than old photos and a grave—but the memory of the daynine years earlier still sends a shiver down his spine, clenches something inhis gut in a guilty-sick feeling he can’t quite explain.

Mum told me the storyagain. She seemed all right definitely better than the last time. I think thephotos help. Granddad came to and I don’t think he rly liked Dad very much buthe was nice about him today nicer than on other days. Afterwards Mum went todrop me off with Mickey but he said she needed me so I went on home and she seemeda little happier but she still cried a bit.

The Doctor wrinkles his nose. Something about Mickey theIdiot doing a good turn makes him grumpy. Who does that idiot think he is,anyway?

We had tea and fellasleep in front of the telly. I wanted to make her dinner but there was nothingin and I couldnt find anything in her purse so I went down to Ms Nodd’s bc she’sout seeing her grandson and I got the spare key from under her flower pot and Ilooked in her bedroom and found a few pounds and took them. I bought Mum aChinese from her favourite place and she didnt ask where I got the money so I didnttell her. I dont think Ms Nodd would know it was me that took it but I stillfeel bad I just didnt know what else to do. Ill pay her back when I get somemoney for my bday.

Nice old bird, that Ms Nodd. Much nicer than some of theother tenants on the Estate, with her blue-tinged hair and cheerful smile andwithered old hands that freely distribute home-baked biscuits to errant TimeLords who just happen to be handy with a squeaky front door. The Doctor makes amental note to liberate an ATM of a couple hundred-pound-notes at his earliestopportunity and slip them into her flat.

He reads a few more pages—comfortably silly stuff, all ofit, more crushes and rants about school and discussions of celebrities andfashion and Rose’s favorite things on telly—until his fingers land on an oddlybrittle page, warped in places, buckling. Several of the words are nearlyimpossible to discern, smudged as they are, and it takes the Doctorapproximately .003 seconds to identify the water marks as tears.

(There’s no dear diaryhere, no date. The words simply begin, as if writing anything more than theabsolutely necessary would take too much energy. Like it would hurt too much.)

Granddad’s gone.

The Doctor sighs, and his hearts each break a little foryoung Rose, curled up in her bed and crying bitter tears into her pillow. Tenyears old is far too young to experience the cruelty of such a loss. But it isn’tas if it gets any easier at any other age. The Doctor knows that to be painfullytrue.

Had a heart attack.Doctors said he went in his sleep and didn’t feel anything. I hope that’s true.Mum said he’s with the angels now but that’s stupid. The angels don’t need him wedo. I already miss him.

Mum can’t stop crying.I wish Dad was here.

And there’s that feeling again in the Doctor’s gut, thesquirmy-sicky one. Almost as if his stomach knows he shouldn’t be doing this,like his body is punishing him. It was all well and good reading about the funfrivolities of a carefree primary-schooler, but this sort of thing—this issomething else. Something deep and personal, a compound fracture of emptinessand hurt. The Doctor knows should stop reading now. He really should.

(He doesn’t.)

It takes a few weeks for the mentions of Granddad Prentice tostart fading, but eventually, they do, fading away to be gradually replaced bythe normality of everyday life. Sometimes months pass between diary-entries;other times, years. The Doctor smiles as he glances over recountings of schooldays and formals and skipping classes, of Jackie’s eccentric cluster of boyfriends,of fights with friends and happy makings-up after, of holidays and gossip andhopes for the future. The day Rose and Shireen fall out over a boy is marked byan obscene amount of swearing and words crossed-out and pencil-punctures dugdeep into the page; the day Mickey asks Rose to be his girlfriend is noted withexclamation points and a lipgloss-kiss.

The day Rose meets Jimmy Stone is noted with a single heartthat simply reads Mrs Rose Stone.

Grimacing at the words, the Doctor forces himself to presson.

OMG met this bloke Jimmyyesterday n he was soooo fit reads the next entry. Shireen and Keisha and me went down the pub and he was playing in theband and I thot he fancied Keisha at first but after he asked for my number ♡ ♡ ♡I kno it doesn’t mean nothing so I didn’ttell Mickey cos no point in him worrying and he gets so jealous anyway lol

Awww, poor jealous ickle Mickey, thinks the Doctor. He snortsderisively. Human beings—so quick to such petty reactions. He’s very glad hedoesn’t have to worry about silly things like that.

Still, it’s a little surprising when, just a few pages later,things have already progressed by leaps and bounds. Jimmy kissed me! leaps out from the page, followed by things like Mickey and me had a fight and Snuck out to hear Jimmy play downtownand Went to the cinema with Jimmy and he puthis hand up my sk

Hearts hammering, the Doctor flips past that page before hiskeen eyes have a chance to read any further. For some reason, the thought ofJimmy putting his hand up anything of Rose’s—indeed, of Jimmy or some otherfool even thinking about touching her, anywhere, with anything—makes him burn abit under the collar. Unpleasant, that. Maybe he’d better take a look at Jackie’sthermostat, make sure it’s doing its job, because it certainly doesn’t feellike it.

(Still, he skips the several pages that follow, just to besafe.)

said if Iwalked out that door I’d better not walk back in and you know what screw her.She’s wasted her whole life crying about Dad and never doing anything withherself and never doing anything for me. I hate her I would rather die then belike her

Eyes widening in surprise, the Doctor quickly scans over thenext few pages, his concern deepening by the second.

love Jimmy andno one can tell me any different and if Mum really knew what love was then she’dunderstand

Im so glad I’mwith him now he gets me like no one else ever has or ever will, ♡ him forever

didnt want totake my a-levels anyway not like it means anything out in the real world

moving into aflat together next week can’t wait ♡♡♡

and I love himbut I wish he’d get a job cos the gigs don’t make enough n I can’t covereverything on my own

came home drunkagain last night n wouldnt tell me where he’d been

told me I’dbetter cough up the rest of the rent by next weekend or else he would

And then, nothing.

The Doctor frowns. Whatever he would do is left unexplained, torn away along with a wholecluster of pages in the diary, leaving a ragged little scar behind where wordsand feelings used to sit. The Doctor runs a finger along the page-stumps leftin the spine, and wonders.

What could have happened that was so bad that even the memoryof it had to be ripped away?

The next entry picks up a few weeks later. It does notmention Jimmy. Instead, the page displays only a handful of lonely words:

He wasright. I’m so stupid.

It takes a moment for the Doctor to realize that the diaryis shaking in his hands. But that’s only because he’s gripping it so tightlyhis knuckles are glowing bright white in an attempt to jump out of his skin. Andsuddenly he’s glad, in quite a perverse way, that he has witnessed thedestruction of the Reapers firsthand, because otherwise the temptation to pilotthe TARDIS back in time to ensure that Jimmy Stone never hurt Rose—that henever so much as existed, never so much as blighted this planet with even asingle vile breath—would be so strong that he’s not entirely sure he’d be ableto stop himself.

Forcing himself to calm, the Doctor skips forward, hopefullyto an entry that won’t cause hisblood to boil angrily in his ears. Now phrases like moved back in with Mum today and applied at Henriks greet his eyes, and he feels the muscles in hisshoulders begin to relax.

and a sweet ginger boy’sstarted coming round, Mum named him Jonesy

but the new job’s notso bad

going out to the clubswith Shireen

Mickey stopped by withflowers today and it was like nothing had ever gone wrong

anyway we’re datingagain

nothing’ll come of itbut some blokes won in Bristol last week so who knows, maybe we’ll win a littlesomething n I could get Mum something nice

a little boring Iguess but prolly about the best I can expect for now

So my job blew uptoday???

Now a grin spreads across the Doctor’s face, lighting it upfrom ear-to-ear. Finally. Took longenough to get here. Now for the reallygood stuff.

Fingers tingling in anticipation, he turns the page.

Nothing.

The Doctor flips through the remaining pages, hunting forsomething, anything, but nothing buta sea of white greets his eyes, winking up at him obnoxiously without so muchas a single date or scribble or scrawl to capture his attention. The rest ofthe diary is completely, utterly blank.

Huffing in irritation, the Doctor sits back, flipping thebook closed with a scowl. It makes a certain sense, he supposes, but still.Really? She’ll write about ice cream and Barbies and school gossip and Mickeythe Idiot but no mention of the TARDIS, no asides about traveling through timeand space, no discussion of Dickens or Slitheen or bitchy trampolines or 900year-old Time Lords taking her by the hand to show her anything her littleheart could ever possibly—

CLANG.

“I just found it!” blurts out the Doctor without eventhinking, pushing off the bed and whirling round to face Rose’s open bedroomdoorway. But no one stands there; indeed, if his superior hearing is anythingto go by (and it usually is), there’s no one within several meters of him, certainlyno one in the flat. And the continuing ding-dang-dongbell’s sound, ringing at twelve lazy but significant intervals, informs himthat his nervousness was for naught—it’s just Jackie’s old grandfather clock,noisily (and unnecessarily, the Doctor thinks with a grump) proclaiming thetime.

It’s midnight. Probably Rose and Jackie will be home soon. Andprobably he shouldn’t let them know he was nosing through Rose’s diary.

(Even if it wasn’t his fault, seeing as they left him aloneand bored and unoccupied in the flat, and even if he didn’t find what he waslooking for—even if he’s not entirely certain what that was.)

As he slips the diary back into its hiding-place beneathRose’s mattress, it occurs to him that there are any number of reasons Rosemight not be writing things in a diary any more—she forgot it at home, or she’stoo tired after their adventures, or too distracted, or maybe she’s even got anew one aboard the TARDIS, hidden somewhere equally silly. But there’s anotheroption too, he realizes; that she’s simply too happy to see the need forwriting things down, that she is too busy living her memories to think of takingthe time to document them. The thought warms him, contentment blooming in hischest, and he leaves Rose’s room with a smile, closing the door behind him.

(He still checks her room on the TARDIS just in case.)

***

part ii