#i did make myself cry a few times writing him sad to the point of crying

[hotpinkstars]

-> the house won't ever feel the same again

synopsis -> you and alhaitham got into a relationship-damaging fight.

w/c -> 1.3k

warnings -> hurt no comfort, alhaitham is an asshole in this, dehya is your emotional support lol, reader moves to liyue, arguing and insults, reader is an artist

“alhaitham, please stop stressing. you cannot write twenty papers in the span of three hours. come to bed with me, dear.” 

you knew that this would happen. dating the acting grand sage of sumeru would be no easy feat. and now here he was, slumped over his desk, gripping an abnormally large mug of coffee. you telling him to stop was making the grip even harder. you noticed, and took a deep breath in.

“you know, getting angry is not going to get you anywhere. please, take my advice, and do not overwork yourself tonight.”

“can you not?” he snapped. “let me do my work.” 

this took you off guard for a second. he’s never said something like this to you before- even in your wedding vows, he promised he wouldn’t ever insult you, show major aggression to you, or put his hands on you. ever. 

“i’m simply just trying to help, dearest, please take my advice-” you stopped yourself, seeing his expression. he just rolled his eyes at you, bringing himself back into his work. you’ve never seen your husband do that, he’s always at least taken your words into regards. you try once more. “alhaitham, come to bed-” 

“can’t you tell i’m trying to do work? leave me the hell alone!” he slammed his hands on the table, making you jump back a little bit. tears were coming to your eyes, but you tried to control them. 

“what is with the sudden aggression? you have never done this before!” you raised your voice slightly to try and counter his words, trying to make yourself appear bigger than you felt you were. 

“you’re trying to interrupt me as i work. i will not tolerate it. you can wait. stop caring so much, would you?” he sighs, putting his face in his hands, running his hands up and down his head and ruffling his own hair. “leave me alone. how many times do i have to make myself clear? or is it not clear enough? are you just that stupid?” 

that sentence made you freeze. he did not at all look like he was going to take that back. you nodded and started to walk out the door before he grabbed your shoulder. you stopped once again, thinking this was him apologizing, but you turned around to find a very angry man. 

“and by the way, i’d never do that for you. that’s irritating, and your artwork isn’t worth caring for anyways. go.” 

and there was the start of many tears. you ran out in fear and sadness, wondering what ever got into him to lash out like that. you knew he could be extreme and give out major criticism, but he was never this harsh to you. you looked down at the band on your ring finger, spinning it around a few times. the good memories, your honeymoon, your wedding, and the proposal all came flooding through your mind. it made you cry even harder than you already were, if that's even possible. you slid the ring off and threw it on your nightstand of your shared home, and then was sure to make a point of moving it to his. so he could see the damage he’s caused. you packed a tiny bag and left for the night to go to your friend dehyas place. you knew she’d have some good advice for you.

after a short trek to see her, you knocked on her door, soaked from the rain. she welcomed you in with an impressively strong pat on the back, immediately noticing your puffy eyes and noticing the ring wasn’t where it was normally. 

“what happened to that ring that alhaitham married ya with? did divorce knock on your door?” she sighed. “i knew that’d happen, damned man.”

that sentence made you cry again. she immediately corrected her wrongdoings and pulled you into a strong embrace, stroking your hair. 

“alright, tell me what's the matter.”

“he raised his voice at me… he’s never done that before, dehya!!” you cried harder into her arms, and you could hear her sigh.

“that man, oh did he make a mistake. what are you going to do?” she asked, looking down at you without stopping her motions.

“i’m not sure.. i love him… but i don’t think he loves me..” you sniffled, hugging dehya even tighter now. she nodded, looking down at you in sorrow. she wishes on every star there was something she could do to make you feel better. 

“maybe you should try to talk to him. i know that’s probably not gonna do too much, but i guess it’s worth the effort…”

“but i tried that already, dehya! trust me, i tried to talk to him. and then he ever so rudely kicked me out like i was a colleague that was sent from the fortress of meropide in fontaine! worthless!” you groaned, letting your head fall dramatically on dehyas lap. 

“maybe you have to let him approach you first. give it time, it’ll probably happen.”

you thought long and hard about that night. it’s been two days since your argument, over what exactly? just because you didn’t want him to fail at his job? his papers don’t even have a near due date! if even one at all!! you sat against your bed, lightly scratching the ground with your nails. it seems alhaitham took the ring he gave you, and went back to work the next day. he probably isn’t even thinking about what happened, or so you thought.

considering, the night you got back from dehyas, you were welcomed home to him sipping on some tea, watching the television. probably some documentary about the history of the aranara. you said a slight hey, and he just looked at you, immediately making your heart sink. you sighed and walked away to the spare bedroom. the worst part was that he just let you. he didn’t seem like he cared, or willing to take back all of the insults he threw at you that night. it seemed like that night was the only thing you could think about. 

though, he feels super remorseful about the things he did and said that night. he hasn’t been able to properly focus, being logical enough to know that those words are something you’ll likely never bounce back from. you’ve already broken a paintbrush you’ve had, scratching a rip into a painting you spent hours on. he saw that when he came back home that night, gasping slightly. and that’s when the reality hit him. 

he’s currently slouching over his desk, doing something he’d never even fathom doing in a million years- doodling on his papers. he couldn’t focus, he felt he needed to make it up to you. but he’d only ignore you whenever you tried to take dehyas advice and maybe talk through it with him. he doesn’t know why he ignored you, he just thought he couldn’t talk to you properly in the moment. 

little did he know you were packing your suitcases to move into a small apartment you purchased with a fair amount of mora in the middle of liyue harbor. you told dehya about your plan, also letting her know to wait on letting alhaitham know about your plan. you were too hurt by his words, and you knew you could never be able to sleep in the same bed, nevertheless see the man anymore. you knew you were gonna be gone by dark tonight, which is plenty time before he’d get home. once you’ve packed the last of your things, you set off, taking a carriage to the chasm before being escorted by yelan herself to the harbor, tipping her a fair amount of mora for her kindness. you immediately felt more refreshed, in a new place, away from the man you’ve never known would be as toxic as he appeared to be.

[writingonleaves]

were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? (did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?) - jeremy swayman

pairing: jeremy swayman x original female character

warnings: swearing, pretty angsty. hopeful ish ending because i can't do sad endings, very personal but i think many can relate in their own way, cliche ish, barely proofread

inspired by + title: "the smallest man who ever lived" by taylor swift

word count: 5.6k

author's note: i'd argue almost every piece any author writes is personal, because it has their life interspersed through the words. but this one really is, because a majority of this is the exact same words i wrote years ago after a break-up. heard the bridge to this song and immediately knew i had to write something inspired by it. also trying a new format of sorts (maybe a bit meta??), so i hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!!

~*~*~

When Noelle Betsko walked away from Jeremy Swayman, holding back tears until the call dropped, she knew it was going to be a tough time for the foreseeable future. 

It didn’t matter that the pandemic had forced them apart. She knew she would still feel him for months to come.

She did the only thing she knows how to do when trying to deal with things. The one thing she always resorts to as an aspiring novelist. Sometimes on her laptop when the words were spilling out too quickly for her brain to catch up, tears littering the keyboard. Usually in her old beat-up journal, scribbling in the cursive that Jeremy claimed he always loved (“It makes your handwriting unique”) with the pens he had gifted her just a few months prior. 

At the age of 21, Noelle got her heart broken for the first time. At the age of 26, she’s about to publish her first poetry collection of sorts, all of the poems modeled after journal entries written throughout her life. So not really poetry, though her mother would say otherwise. 

She swallows as she thumbs through the middle part of the first known and binded copy of “miscellaneous.” There are only eight entries in the whole collection that are taken verbatim from her past writing. These are the eight.

May 13, 2020 (three days post-breakup, crying in my childhood bedroom)

I don’t even recognize who I was and who you were in those writings before these pages filled with love and hope and happiness. I can’t even summon up those feelings anymore that I knew existed at one point. Those feelings of complete bliss and love for someone so deep you can’t explain it. 

I’m mad at myself for not being able to conjure those feelings, because at one point, I did love you. How could something that was part of my daily life for over two years just disappear so quickly? 

But now, I’m not mad at myself. I’m mad, but I don’t know where to direct that anger to. I feel a bit empty sometimes, but then frustrated the next. Sometimes I get sad, but not so much compared to the other feelings. I spent enough time being sad during our relationship.

When we broke up, on an annoyingly beautiful Tuesday in May — over the damn phone, mind you, which whatever, it’s COVID. Fine — You told me you felt like you had been putting more effort into us. 

At the time, I didn’t react, but I’ve been thinking about how angry that statement made me. Makes me, actually. I was always very open with how much I gave to that relationship. How much it meant to me. How much it affected me. But I understand that with some people, sharing everything too much equates to things not meaning anything anymore. But you out of all people should’ve known that I mean everything I say.

I felt like I gave so much. I know I gave so much. When I told you I loved you, I always meant it. Every single time. When I told you I missed you, I always meant it. I wished you were right next to me at that moment. I mentally gave so much, because to me, I wanted to. You were always on my mind, always high up on my list of priorities. I never took us for granted.

I’ve been questioning if that was the same for you. Did you start becoming complacent?

The second thing you said that day that hasn’t left my head is that you knew me pretty well. And initially, I remember not thinking much of it. So I don’t doubt that; you always knew right when I was about to cry, even over the phone. You often knew when I was mad or upset, but when I look back now, you never pushed. Which is a good thing, to an extent. But it was a bad thing sometimes too. I knew you often wanted to give me space, but sometimes I didn’t want space. I wanted you to push. To try to understand. Maybe that’s unfair of me; it probably is. I should just say I want to talk about it more, right? 

But if you genuinely knew me, you would’ve known.

After two years, seven months and 12 days,  I still feel like I didn’t know you. Did I ever know you at all?

When people talked shit about you, I always defended you. And I still would defend you now. But lately, I've questioned what I’m even defending. All those good qualities that I thought you had, were they even real? Of course, I know some of them were, to a certain extent. But as I look back on us, there’s a lot of doubt about whether I even knew the person I called my boyfriend for so long. I know there was a point where you cared about me, but I can’t remember when. 

I often felt like I was letting you know so much about my life, but you didn’t do the same. I get that sometimes a person just wants to forget about the bad and focus on the good with a person you like for awhile. I get that. But once that was happening every damn time? That should’ve been a red flag. 

June 7, 2020 (twenty eight days post break-up, outside my childhood room on the deck) 

I don’t understand how you can give so much to something or someone and have it not be recognized or appreciated or enough. If I wasn’t enough for you, how will I be enough for anyone?

I hope one day you’ll truly understand how much this hurt. Not just the breakup, but feeling like I was always being pulled in a direction I didn’t always want to be pulled in. Feeling I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and never ever being able to win. I hate that I settled so much in the last year. Because I should’ve demanded more, even though deep down I knew you were never going to be able to give it to me.

I think back to our past daily texts, and I just don’t get it. At one point, we both meant the things we said to each other. 

Yet we still hurt each other. 

This fucking hurts.

You’ve hurt me so much, but most of it wasn’t intentional, which I think is somewhat even worse. Because I’m not totally mad at you for causing the pain. You never did anything outright to cause me pain, but I still feel like you did. 

Unintentional pain almost stings more than intentional. 

When I asked you out that night after we were both on an emotional high, I took a chance. For once in my life, I took the leap, knowing that I could get humiliated or hurt or just straight up shot down. 

Where did it all go wrong? Or, more realistically, how did we think that we could go through the wrong when it was there at the start?

I’m trying not to blame myself too much. Trying not to tell myself that I should’ve known better. 

All those times, especially at the start, when I would ask you if you genuinely liked me, you always thought I was just trying to be annoying. But you never understood that I genuinely thought that way. My self confidence from the start was lacking, and you didn’t try to understand that, because I come across to everyone as confident and self-assured. 

It hurt, when you would brush things off like that. I felt like you didn’t care.

And then, it got to the point where I stopped asking that question. Part of that is because I did become more confident and you did show that you cared, and part of that was because I knew it would piss you off.

The amount of things I was scared to talk about with you because I knew it would piss you off? I don’t wish that feeling on anybody.

I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have been uncomfortable. But I was. And if you did notice like sometimes you claimed to, why didn’t you make it more comfortable for me? Was that too much to ask for? 

So larger than life that at the end, you faded into just the smallest man who ever lived. Fuck you.

Was it too much to ask for when I just wanted to know why you were upset? You didn’t have to ever tell me the full story (lord knows there were times I didn’t), but was it too much to ask for something? You told me once that I’m the person you’ve told the most to. How? You barely told me anything. And when I wanted to talk to you, whether it was about growing up in Alaska or why you were in a bad mood last night, you always brushed it off. Always. 

So I don’t feel so bad about feeling like I gave more effort. I gave so much of myself to you. If you really cared about me like you claimed you did, why couldn’t you show even just 1% of that care back? Or just meet me in the middle?

I could’ve tried harder to meet you in the middle, I’ll admit that. But you didn’t even give me a map or a clue how to. 

I felt so fucking left in the dark. I felt left in the dark about my own fucking relationship, something that I should be completely sure about. If you really love someone and care about them, how can you leave them in the dark? How could you not even see that I was struggling to find a flashlight?

You did care about me. I know that. To some extent and at some point in time, you did care about me. But caring about someone and their well-being isn’t always enough.

Why couldn’t you have worked with me? When I was extending my hand out, why didn’t you reach for it? How can someone just be so blind? I mean, I’m practically always spelling it out for you. 

Maybe I am being selfish. But fuck, I just wanted to be happy. At some point, you made me happy. When did I start making you feel like I wasn’t enough? Why wasn’t I enough for you?

It’s useless, in a way, to keep going about this. Because I know I deserve better. And we’ll both find people who are better for us. We just couldn’t be that person to each other.

I fucking loved you.

I wish it ended differently.

July 8, 2020 (fifty nine days post-breakup, in front of the lake)

I really really fucking miss you. 

I do. 

I miss being able to text you that i love you and not necessarily expecting a response until the next morning. I miss knowing that as soon as you wake up, you’ll text me back and assure me that yeah, you love me too. 

I’m left feeling bittersweet as I look back on memories that are just splashes and not definite strokes on the canvas that used to be us.

I miss having you as a friend. 

I’ve been having more urges lately to want to text you. And it isn’t even anything important. Just moments I experience throughout the day.

Do you get the urge to do the same?

July 19, 2020 (seventy days post-breakup, still in the same damn house)

It’s hard. It really is. And it kinda just hits you at random parts of the day. Sometimes I wake up from a dream that you were in and have to remind myself that it didn’t happen. 

Sometimes it physically aches when I realize that you won’t ever help me put on my jacket again, or complain that my hair is in your face when we’re lying on the couch watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, or groan when I drag you up to dance with me (which you never improved on, no matter how many times I tried to teach you basic rhythm). I can’t view our song the same way anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. 

The other day, I read some simple thing on Twitter. I don’t even remember what it was, but I do remember that for a split second, I could see your smile in my mind. But it wasn’t just any smile. It was the smile you gave me when you took me ice skating that first time. I remember asking you what you were smiling at, and you said that you just were taking in this moment. I don’t know if you took a mental picture that day, but I know I did. That day seems so long ago now. 

In almost anything I do, you somehow pop into my mind or into the conversation. And it’s not even in a harmful way either. It’s because you were part of my life for so long. I see a dog on the street, and it reminds me of how you always stopped to pet every single one we’s see I write something in my messy handwriting, and I remember how you always used to complain that you couldn’t read the notes I’d occasionally leave around your place when you went away. I went to the doctor’s the other day, and they said I was 5 feet and 3 inches, which is just definitely not true, and I almost reached for my phone to text you, because you would’ve cackled and insisted that no, I’m 5 feet 2 inches and it wouldn’t even matter because I’ll always be shorter than you. It’s simple and minute things that make me miss you that much more.

I still can’t listen to some songs the same way anymore, but I can at least listen to them now, which is a feat in itself. I was unpacking from college and found the teddy bear you sent me the first extended time we had to be apart and had to immediately put that out of my sight. From those boxes also came photos that I had decorated my dorm room with, and to be honest, I’m glad now that I let you keep our best one. I deal with all my emotions, besides writing, by making Spotify playlists, and I made a new one earlier this week. I think it’s helping. It’s a slow process, this whole moving on thing, but it’s one that I’m trying to be grateful for, because like most things in life, you just don’t truly know until you go through it.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how you are and how you’re healing. But, even though we’ve both changed since the day we met, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re incredibly strong and stubborn. I hope that you’re finding some growth in this process too. 

October 17, 2020 (one hundred fifty seven days post-break up, apartment in orono)

It’s been almost 5 months, and you still cross my mind everyday. 

Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why didn’t you fucking tell me what you were thinking? Why was I the one who had to approach you just because I was just so done with the silent treatment?

But I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. The mad phase passed ages ago. 

Closure is a fake word. Even a breakup as mutual and smooth as ours was still left me with so many questions that will probably never be answered. 

Any breakup fucks you up to some extent. I knew it was going to mess me up even back when we were together. But not like this. Never like this. 

But like anything in life, I guess you can never really prepare for what you think you might feel, because most of the time, you discover a whole new side of you that you never thought existed. 

I don’t miss you. I don’t. I don’t feel that love in any way anymore. 

But I did once.

You did too, right?

November 15, 2020 (one hundred eighty six days post break-up, fogler library)

I hate Halloween. 

Though, it did bring me to you three years ago. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you right then and there. 

Three years later, you texted me on Halloween, five months after our breakup. The universe really, really wanted to fuck with me. 

It was a tough night for you. I knew that. Because I know how you are after losing a game you should’ve won. But that didn’t mean that I owed you anything and had to respond. 

We agreed on no contact if we ever wanted to stay friends. Clearly, friends is out of the picture now, but come on. A vulnerable text after a bad night because you know I would feel bad for you?

Fuck, you know how much I would hate that. You had to have known. 

Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean that everything about you just disappears. I still know your tendencies. I still know exactly how my head burrows into your chest during a hug. I still know the actions I used to do that would be followed by you attacking me with a hug. I still could point you out in a crowd. 

I looked for you in every crowd for years. 

That stuff doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I want it to. But fuck. Fuck. Why did you text me? 

I don’t regret how I handled it. I probably would’ve responded months ago. But just like you, I’ve grown these last couple of months. 

It was comforting, for a split second, to know that maybe, just maybe, these past couple of months have been hard for you too. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

I’m glad you texted me. You gave me another level of closure I hadn’t known that I needed until then. 

But fuck, dude. You know me better than that. You should know me better than that. 

I hate Halloween.

November 26, 2020 (one hundred ninety seven days, at the coffee shop i brought you to when you came home with me two years ago)

I don’t regret loving you, but I hate you for what you did to me. 

Or maybe not. 

I hate knowing that even though we haven’t been in a relationship in a bit, it feels like sometimes, you’re on my mind the exact same amount when we were dating. I hate knowing that I gave so much of myself and my love to you, and it always felt unrecognized. 

Fuck, will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to have to stop myself from thinking about you? Will it ever stop?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy it.

June 12, 2021 (three hundred ninety five days post-break up, in boston, visiting a friend)

Tonight, when a friend asked me about you and how I felt about how we ended, I was able to articulate my thoughts clearly. I’m really proud of myself for getting to a point where I can take the lessons I learned the few months after we broke up and acknowledge them in a succinct way without breaking down into tears. Just watery eyes and the occasional voice crack 

I’m also proud that I can say that when we were dating, I lost a bit of myself. For months, it was really hard to admit out loud.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, I wish I could call or text you about it, because I think you’d be proud too. And I know I’d be proud of you. I am, to be honest. I do break resolve once in awhile and check on you through various avenues.

I still haven’t seen you in person since the last time COVID made us say goodbye. Maybe I never will again. But day by day, I’m starting to accept that and be okay with it. I’m accepting that memories that used to be so painted in my mind are blurry or almost completely erased now. But that’s okay. Honestly, it’s probably for the best. 

I wonder, when you think about it, if you think about different moments that I do. That’s the thing when something ends. You have to be okay with letting go of those moments and realizing that just because you forget them, doesn’t mean they weren’t important. 

I don’t think I miss you. I hesitate in saying that. Because I’ve moved on and handled the aftermath of it better than I think both of us ever thought I could. When you hung up the phone for the last time, I proved to myself again that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I think we all are. But we don’t realize it until we’re thrown into a situation that we think we’ll never be able to overcome. 

But we do. Whether it’s because we’re forced to because there’s no other option, it doesn’t matter. Because we get through. We move on. 

I hope you're moving on. 

And then it goes into other topics, graduating during a pandemic specifically and losing what’s supposed to be your last year of no responsibilities before adulthood. There are other poems in here that reference a past relationship, but not as much as these eight. 

If there’s one thing that Noelle did change, it was taking out the details. Jeremy may have hurt her, but he doesn’t deserve someone possibly making a connection between these poems and their shared background. She’s not a famous author by any means, but she wanted to be careful.

Not that she makes that part of her life publicly known. People don’t need to know that her brother was Jeremy’s captain for two years at Maine and that’s how they met. 

Noelle grew up going to rinks. She hasn’t gone to one since they broke up. 

But also, what the fuck? It’s been five years since she’s dated the guy. She really is over it by now, even if his rise to stardom in the Bruins flittering on her social media feeds still sometimes has her swallowing a bit before she can continue with her day. 

Brooklyn is far enough from Boston. But sometimes it feels like it’s right outside her door. 

She’s proud of her first published work. She really is. People believed in her and after numerous notes swapped back and forth with her editor, she did it. She always knew she wanted to work in publishing. She never knew she herself would publish anything.

And here she is now, two weeks after the book release, in Boston, about to do a q&a and a signing. Apparently, “miscellaneous” has been on top of numerous lists and it’s flying off the shelves. Noelle can’t really believe it and tries not to think about it too much, trusting her agent with all of that. 

She’s happy to talk about her work and process though. That she can handle. And she’s grateful for all the love.

After a signing at a local bookstore, she decides to walk the 20 minutes home in the Boston fall. It’s a bit brisk, but she doesn’t mind and she just wanders, belly filled with delicious sushi she inhaled for dinner with an old friend.

Of course it happens the one time during her walk when she doesn’t avoid eye contact with someone. The song playing in her earbuds fade out of her focus and she almost stumbles. 

Jeremy’s eyes were always Noelle’s favorite thing about him. She thought she would’ve forgotten what they looked like by now. But clearly she hasn’t. 

Her eyes quickly cast to the person next to him. It’s definitely a girl. They’re a bit too far away for Noelle to pick out details. But it’s enough. He’s walking on the side closest to the street. It’s a Friday Night in a bustling part of the city. 

It hurts. She wishes it didn’t.

Even from far away, she sees his eyes blink in recognition. Noelle puts her head back down and walks faster. 

(She cries in the shower when she gets back to the hotel. She had debated feeling super sorry for herself and going to the hotel bar but refrained)

She has a few free days in Boston before flying back to New York. When she wakes up the next morning, she debates on going home early. But no, she won’t let a three second glance at someone ruin her time here. She used to occasionally come here during her college days. She loves this city. 

The city may be Jeremy’s, but she can make space for herself here too. 

She takes her time at a cafe, people watching and eating some breakfast. As she takes her coffee to-go, she looks out the window at the bookstore she was in the night before for the signing. She almost drops her coffee. 

Jeremy walks into the book store. 

Now, Noelle is debating her options. What she should do is continue with her day and walk in the opposite direction. But she’s always been too nosy for her own good. And maybe a bit self destructive. She decides to leave the cafe and cross the street immediately, so impatient to where she’s almost tapping her foot as the pedestrian signal stays red. 

As a writer, she’s no stranger to movie moments. The scenes written in books or movies where the timing is too accurate to be real. The situation too good to be true. But after a car speeds through an orange and she can finally walk, she stops in her tracks instead, feet glued down to the sidewalk.

Because Jeremy is right in front of her on the other side of the street. Her book in his hand. And he’s looking right at her. 

The first feeling she can recognize in herself is anger. Anger at the way their relationship panned out. Anger at the way they ended. Anger at the radio silence the years following. Anger at him for everything. Angry at herself for everything. 

The second feeling is, weirdly, shame, which she’s embarrassed by. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. But she feels it anyways. 

The third, and perhaps the most prominent, is emptiness. Five fucking years later, and she’s brought back to the emptiness she felt immediately after they broke up. The emptiness that the person you loved isn’t yours anymore — who maybe wasn’t ever yours to begin with. 

Before she can run, he’s already crossed the street to her. He looks naturally different as someone who you haven’t seen in five years would. But he also heartbreakingly looks the same. 

“We should get out of people’s way,” Noelle manages to chokes out. 

Jeremy laughs a bit. Her heart lurches. “Yeah.” He starts walking and she follows him wordlessly. This is his city after all. 

He leads them to a bench under a tree with beautiful fall foliage. She puts at least a foot between them as they both sit down, staring out at the people passing. She can’t take the silence. 

“I see you bought my book.”

“I did,” he replies evenly. “Congratulations. I always knew you would do it.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe if she squeezes hard enough she’ll forget when she originally pitched Jeremy the bare bones idea of the exact same book that’s currently in his hand. “Thank you. Congratulations to you too. On everything.”

“You’ve been watching?”

She shakes her head. “No. But, you know Seth and…yeah. It comes up during family calls sometimes.”

“Why didn’t you say hi last night?”

She looks pointedly at a couple walking their dog. “You seemed busy.”

“She wasn’t-that-it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh. Because that makes me feel so much better,” she spits out, before taking a deep breath. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. We broke up ages ago.”

“I’m sorry,” she gives him a look and is slightly proud of how he seems to shrink into himself a bit. “I-I know it’s five years too late. I know I didn’t handle it as well as I should’ve. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

The thing is, Noelle always thought that maybe hearing an apology someday would make her feel better. But now that’s heard it, she’s not sure she does. 

She swallows. “I appreciate that.”

“I’ve already read it, you know.”

“Read what?”

Jeremy runs a hand through his hair. “Your book. One of my teammate’s girlfriend recommended it and I asked to borrow it. It’s fantastic,” He looks down at the book in his hand. It’s like the cover is taunting her. “I wanted my own copy.”

“Oh.” 

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me off the hook with the poems I know were about me,” he scoffs, shaking his head at himself. “You could’ve written way worse.”

She can’t help but let out a chuckle. “I thought I was pretty mean.”

“Your definition of ‘pretty mean’ is tame compared to a lot of people,” he says, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the book. “You were always the kindest person, even when you shouldn’t have been..” 

He puts his hand out in her direction, the hand with the book in it. She furrows her eyebrows. “What-”

“Could I get a signed copy?”

“Jeremy. What do you want from me?”

He sighs, taking his hand back. “A chance to apologize?”

“You’ve already done that.”

“Not in the way I want to and what you deserve.”

She lets out a sigh, turning to face him fully. “I don’t know if that would be worth my time or yours. I know the book just came out, but that was five years ago. I’m over it. Forgive and forget, right?”

“But do you?” Jeremy counters back. “Clearly, you don’t forget, which I deserve. But forgive?” 

“We’re just going in circles now.”

“No we’re not,” he says firmly. “You’re just shutting me down because you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve had five years to prepare what I would say to you if I saw you again. You’re telling me you haven’t?”

“Of course I have,” Noelle tips her head back. “But also, what’s the point?”

“The point, is that I still love you.”

“Fuck you,” she says in a strained voice. “You can’t just-you can’t just throw that shit out there. Fuck you.”

He bites his lip, and to her annoyance, he laughs. But she listens more carefully, and it sounds very self deprecating. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah,” Noelle looks down at her feet. “So…what? You still love me?”

“I do.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“What are you going to let me do?”

“I live in Brooklyn.”

“I know,” she whips her head up. Jeremy looks sheepish, which she didn’t even think was something he knew how to do. “Seth mentioned it when we caught up a bit ago. I also still follow you on Instagram.”

She tries again. “It’s been five years.”

“And I’m here sitting with you and still feel the exact same way I did back then. Even more, to be honest.” He eyes her pointedly. “Any more excuses?”

Her voice softens. “You really hurt me.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry, Noelle.”

“I hurt you too.”

He shrugs. “We were young and stupid.”

“And we’re still not?” Noelle says with a snort before swallowing. “I’m not the same person you fell in love with.”

“I’m sure I’m not either. But I don’t know if there’s a world where I don’t love every version of you.”

“Even after reading the book?”

“Especially after reading the book,” he sighs. “Noelle, I know this is unfair of me. All of this. And I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to reach out. But I always intended to. And then you’re here? And I see you twice in two days? I’d be an idiot to not try. More of an idiot than I am, anyways.”

“Try for what?”

“A second chance? To be friends? Whatever you want.” He suddenly deflates. “Even if you don’t want anything to do with me. At least I’ll know.”

“Why did you never text me?”

“I thought about it a lot,” he admits. “I tried once, actually, after the high of a really good win. But it didn’t go through. I got the message.”

“The message?”

“You blocked me, right?”

Oh. “Yeah,” she lies. “I did.” She reaches into her bag for a pen and gestures for the book, which he gives to her, a curious gleam in his eyes. “I’m in Boston for two more days, including today.”

He takes the hint immediately. Eagerly. “I have a game tonight, but I’m free tomorrow.”

“Who are you guys playing?”

“Toronto. And I’m starting. Should be a good one.”

She hums non-committedly, scribbling on the inside of the front cover. She hands it back to him with a small, close-lipped smile. She nods at him to read the message.

to my first fan, 

i still love you too. 

xxx-xxx-xxxx

yours, 

noelle

He looks up, eyes shining but a bit confused. 

“I never blocked you. I just changed my number.”

“Oh.”

“And even if I still love you, I’m still mad at you.”

“I know. I’d be more surprised if you weren’t.”

She stands up, adjusting the bag on her shoulder and putting her sunglasses on. “Text me?”

His mouth splits wide into a grin. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

She backs away with one last attempt at a smile before turning down the street.

[goldenfigtree]

Worst Day Ever

Summary: You have the worst day ever and Leon comforts you

Pairing: Leon Kennedy x Fem Reader (no use of y/n)

Warnings: fluff

A/N: An idea I wrote instead of sleeping. Been noticing some headcanons saying Leon isn’t good with his words. Which I can somewhat see since he’s very much a man of very few words. But when he does say something he is very well spoken. And you see in RE4R and Infinite Darkness that he’s more than willing to comfort and encourage those around him. That one scene with Ashley was so sweet, I could talk about that one scene for hours like CMON HES A SWEETYPEA. So this is just a personal headcanon I wanted to write out. Also I couldn’t find any cutesy couple cuddling pictures, they all looked like something from 2013 and I hated them so just enjoy this picture of these cats cuddling idk. Okay rant over, hope you enjoy!

It was just one of those days where it felt like everything was against you. To start off the day, you woke up to red blood spotting your favorite pajama pants. Then, had to muscle through driving to work with the intense stabbing feeling in your uterus. And even better, you had to deal with an unsatisfied customer. An irrational, unsatisfied customer at that. It took everything within you not to find something to chuck at their head. Luckily the workday came to the end, however life decided to remind you that the day itself was yet to be over. Once you got home to prepare dinner, the one major ingredient you needed to make it was not in the pantry. Starving, exhausted, and still in pain. A groan that sounded similar to the growling of a bear escaped you. Your hands began sliding down against the skin of your face harshly. You didn’t even know it was possible to feel this much rage all at once. Hot tears began to leak from your eyelids as you leaned against the island counter in the kitchen, trying to breathe in for four seconds and out. A tip you happened to find online on your lunch break. However, your thoughts flicked and swished around in your mind like a flame as you did this calming exercise,

Inhale. 1 2 3 4

I hate it. I hate it all.

Exhale. 1 2 3 4

I hate myself for being this angry.

Inhale. 1 2 3 4

I hate him for not being here.

Exhale. 1 2 3 4

I hate his job.

Blinking open your eyes you still feel this ball of fire set in your chest. Sitting upon your chest, it burned like heartburn as your thoughts wondered to your boyfriend. Your boyfriend who knew exactly how to calm you on days like this. Your boyfriend who worked so well with under pressure situations given his work. Your boyfriend who was off saving the world when you needed saving right now. You hated it. You hated sharing him with the world.

A partner isn’t for sharing, that’s literally the whole point of it isn’t it?

With a sharp exhale, your anger begins to simmer from the sudden sadness that began to drench it, taking over. Tears still streaming down your face, you give up on dinner and leave the mess for when you were feeling up to it. Walking over to the bed, you effortlessly lean over and let yourself fall on the mattress, face met with the plush material, your feet dangling off the edge. The sniffling now transcending to soft, quiet sobs. This was quite possibly the worst day ever. Maybe it was the hormones talking but you didn’t care, it felt like the worst day ever therefore it was the worst day ever. Eventually, your crying tires you out enough to rest your eyes. By the time you opened them it was already night. Slowly propping yourself up, you drowsily look around and swore you were dreaming when a familiar silhouette was laying next to you, a small smile on his lips,

“Hey” he says quietly. He didn’t know how much your presence alone meant to you especially on a day like this. Your bottom lip began to tremble and your eyes leaked tears down your face, which alarmed Leon greatly. Sitting up he creases his eyebrows and grabs your hand to guide you closer to him,

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asks, his blue eyes fixated on your face. You say nothing, laying beside him, you hide your face into his chest and sniffle. All that was wrong about this day came rushing through your mind by him asking that question alone. The tears pooled into the fabric of his navy blue t shirt. The sight of you so upset was beginning to upset him. He hated seeing you cry. Wrapping his arms around you, he feels you hold him tighter. Placing a long, meaningful peck on your forehead, he then rests his head atop your head.

“Bad day?” he presses. You only nod into his shirt, hiccuping now, making your body jolt slightly. He sighs, pulling slightly away to look at your red-rimmed eyes, “Do you want to talk about it now or later?” He asks carefully.

“Later” you whisper, scrunching your nose with a sniffle. Leon purses his lips, his mind racing with ideas of how to cheer you up.

“Anything I can do?” He can’t help but ask. He’s so used to having solutions for things, it was taking him a while to realize that sometimes solutions aren’t as comforting as validation. With a sputtering chuckle you tuck your face into the crook of his neck,

“Just be here, please”

“I’m right here, always” closing his eyes, he pulls you closer and tighter into his embrace, his thumbs caressing your back and shoulder. You missed his scent, his warmth, his voice. Him being there right now was the perfect antidote for this hellish day. This time, with warmth surrounding you, you drift off to sleep almost immediately, peacefully.

Once you had woken up, you noticed that those strong arms that held you before were absent.

Was it all a dream?

The clatter of dishes in the far distance told you otherwise. Unless, given your luck, you were being robbed in broad daylight. Stretching your limbs and cracking your back, as you often did every morning, you head to the kitchen where you find Leon is cleaning up the mess of last nights -supposed to be- dinner. Being a secret agent, he sensed your presence immediately and turned his head to the side to look at you as he placed the ingredients in the pantry,

“You’re awake” with your hand on your chest, you let out a sigh of relief at the sight of him.

“You’re real” he chuckles and closes the pantry door and turns to face you,

“Feeling better?”

“Now that you’re here” you say genuinely, scratching your bed head while walking toward him.

“Miss me?” You let out a tired noise as you wrap your arms around him,

“More than you know” you croak, resting your chin on his chest as you looked up at him, “Miss me?”

“Like crazy” he says swaying the both of you, his hands clasped together on your back, “ready to talk now?”

You grimace and suddenly the lines along the fabric of his shirt looked very interesting. Clearing his throat he teasingly raises an eyebrow, pointing a finger up to his eyes,

“My eyes are up here” he retorts making your snort and roll your eyes,

“Whatever” you scoff, pulling away with a smirk along your lips as you walk off to start brewing your morning coffee.

“No witty remark?” He acknowledges, his once cheesy proud smile now a frown as his eyebrows crease in concern,

“Buffering”

“Still upset?” he watches your shoulders lift and drop as you sigh and glance back at him,

“I just want to forget yesterday” you mutter. Looking over you notice Leon leaning against the counter next to you to get in your vision,

“You don’t have to tough it out for me, you know” he says, his voice suddenly much softer, “I can take it”

You couldn’t deny that sweet and comforting softness in his voice. Much less the puppy-eyed look he was giving you.

“I know, I’ll tell you in a minute. Let me just get my dose of caffeine in” you assure,

“Yes ma’am” he replies, his tone much more satisfied and proud. Once you made yours and his cup of coffee, the two of you sat at your coffee table, the sun now hung high in the sky. You start from the morning to the night, explaining every infuriating detail about yesterday. But as you explained it to him you started to feel almost irrational for getting so upset over it all and chuckled afterward,

“This all must seem so small compared to what you have to deal with. I’m sorry” Squeezing your hand, he immediately shakes his head,

“Don’t be sorry. Just because I deal with extreme situations doesn’t make yours less important” he calmly explains, “I’m the one who’s sorry, I wish I could have gotten here sooner”

Intertwining your fingers, you shake your head, a content smile on your lips,

“Don’t be, you came just in time” returning your smile he squeezes your hand again,

“Better?”

“Better”

[theirnamesarekiklo]

Beautiful Mind

After enduring constant torment from the other little kids, it seems as if the only one who can help her out of this hole is her younger sister.

pairing: Kiri x !Younger Sister! Reader

a/n: I could not bring myself to write more, and I'm so new to the Na’vi language, so excuse any mistakes!

⋆★⋆★⋆

Soft moss padding her feet from the rough ground, the sobbing girl ran through the forest, not even bothering to turn around and see if anyone followed her out this deep into the wilderness. As she leaped over a rock, she timed the landing wrong and fell onto her knees, truly bringing her into a state of misery.

Why were they so cruel? Sure, she had an extra finger, and maybe her brothers were a bit foolish, but that didn’t mean she deserved to be treated any less. Shakily letting her shoulders fall up and down, she heaved out great sobs that could hide the sound of hesitant footsteps toward her.

crunch

Snapping her head back toward the noise, she quickly faced the ground once she realized it was simply her sister. Kiri had only been born a few weeks before the twins, but that didn’t stop the two from becoming close.

“Rä’ä ‘asap si! You ran off, and I wasn’t sure if you were okay.” She spoke with such sincerity that it just broke Kiri into a smile. Waving her over, she couldn’t help but enjoy the way her sister had been worried over her. Did this make her selfish?

“I’m alright, (y/n). I hate that you have to see me like this.” She sniffled. Wearing a sad smile, she tried to connect the dots on why and how her sister had come to this point, weeping with dirt-covered knees. Placing her hand over her sister’s, her words almost raised Kiri’s spirits entirely.

“Oeng lu tsmuke ulte tsmuke. Txo nga fpìl txokefyaw, nga lu keyawr. Set, Kempe len?”. As soon as those words were thrown out into the silence, despite the short sniffle now and then, Kiri felt her eyes well up with tears once more.

“What’s wrong with me, (y/n)? I try to stay out of the way, and I don’t bother anyone, but they still find a way to make me feel like nothing. Is there something missing in my mind?”. The wobble in her voice had been enough for her sister’s ears to tuck themselves down against her head as her lip quivered with the amount of heartbreak she held deep in her heart for her sister.

A beat passed, then two.

“I think you have the most beautiful mind, Kiri.”

If she had not been listening or had sniffled at that exact moment, she doubts she would have heard her. Daring to take a look at her, tears were already in her own eyes, with the saddest pout on her face. At once, she realized how much she hadn’t noticed how much love her family had held for her. At this moment, she knew her beautiful, sweet sister, had adored her.

Choking out a sob, Kiri left the ground and almost tackled the younger one into a hug. If this were any other day, Kiri would have probably nervously returned the hug with a scoff, but today was today, and Kiri was Kiri.

“If you ever feel like that ever again, please tell us! I hate to see you this way, RI. Our father is Toruk Maktoyu! If anyone messes with you, they will answer to him!” She let out a tiny smile along with a growl. Laughing softly at her antics, Kiri had decided that if someone were ever to make her sister cry, they would answer to her. With the Toruk Maktoyu or not.

⋆★⋆★⋆

Do not be startled!

You and I are Sister and Sister. If you think otherwise, you are wrong. Now, what happened?

[azures-bazar]

Accommodating 

Re-uploading this one shot because I wanted to add some changes. I'm experiencing a massive writers block tho, my inspiration is gone (my new job is taking most of my mental energy away but I love it lmao)

Here is some SOFT!Arthur one-shot, again, because boy oh boy it makes me want to write a full story about him going through our current era lol

Don't mind his absolute child-like fascination for modernity, I mean... it's cool to see our tough cowboy happy, isn't it ?

Arthur Morgan x GenderNeutralReader 

Word count : 2.9k

Short summary : You make Arthur try some new technologies, and it’s quite funny to watch his large blue eyes gaze at them ! 

A/Note : I bought myself a galaxy projector not so long ago and wondered how Arthur would react lol. Don’t mind it ! 

Tags : cute, Arthur discovers modern things, mentions of Avatar, movie-watching, snacks, cute nicknames, cuddles, soft boah is in the modern world, men can also cry

A cowboy in the modern world… what a weird story to tell ! Arthur had been in your life for a few months already, slowly accommodating to your era. Sometimes, it was fun, sometimes it was almost scary, and, occasionally, it could be sad. You knew Arthur was an outlaw, a thirty-six, probably thirty-seven year-old man who had been abandoned on the top of a mountain, but he never really brought the subject to the table. In fact, on a few occasions, he would mourn the rest of his gang, he would mourn his friends he would never see again. You had done your best to cheer him up during his rather sad moments, but nothing could really fill that void. 

Arthur missed these folks, a few names were frequently mentioned : Hosea, John, Tilly, Charles, Sean and Lenny. Six people he would describe at times, probably the six people he missed the most from his former life. A father-figure, his siblings, his closest friends… he often wondered what happened to them, to these people becoming distant memories he could only mourn. As of 2023, even little Jack was gone. You wished you could do something, probably beg for Francis Sinclair to come back and drag all these people he mentioned to your time… but Francis was long gone, not even bothering about stepping by your place anymore.

You knew Arthur loved drawing stuff, so you bought him a set of sketchbooks for him to practice. He would hole himself in your now-shared room, sitting on the edge of your window or on your bed, spending about one or two hours sketching figures, animals or even sceneries which appeared to be from a very distant era, mixed with modern buildings and figures he came across while wandering in the streets with you. You often left him alone for him to enjoy his solitude, listening to some blues while sketching his discoveries before he would head to you and proudly show you some of his works. One of your walls had a full set of Arthur’s drawings framed and displayed to the eyes of any guest coming in. After all… it was art ! And nothing could make Arthur more happy than receiving compliments about his sketches he often disliked. 

Arthur still had some hard time getting used to a smartphone you had bought him as you thought it would be a good thing to keep in touch whenever you would be away from him. He nearly broke his phone’s screen twice, unable to understand why it would not switch on, struggling to send you correctly written texts. His large fingers did not help much, he would get easily frustrated by not selecting the right letter for his text. You absolutely adored each one of them, finding them incredibly cute by knowing how much Arthur wanted to do things like you. Sending a text usually took you a few seconds, whereas Arthur would roughly spend one minute writing a five-word sentence filled with typing mistakes, some of them being due to his autocorrector. 

"Im misqing yoi, Y/N !" was an almost daily message he would send you

At some point, you saw an add of a galaxy projector while scrolling on some social media, right after telling Arthur he would probably get a lot of followers if he decided, by miracle, probably, to create an account for himself. He was handsome, had some sweet-looking traits and could easily model for some alternative brands. He often said he would never do such thing, finding his face too ugly to be shown to anyone. How wrong he was, he was probably the most gorgeous-looking man you had ever met ! But, somehow, you did not want to encourage him to post pictures of himself. Social medias were a rather dangerous place for healing minds, and Arthur still needed time. Besides, he would probably not even be able to post anything due to his lack of ease using his digital keyboard ! 

You bought that lamp later that night, it got delivered quite fast. You carefully unpacked your new tool and quickly headed to your bedroom, followed by Arthur who had stopped reading a book about extinct species as he saw you wander around your place with this curious thing you held. You calmly placed the lamp on your bed, reading the instruction manual while Arthur touched it several times, not understand what the hell this little thing was and what was its purpose. 

"What’s that ?" Arthur asked 

"It’s a galaxy projector." you answered. 

"Why d’you need that ? Can’t you just look at ‘em stars from your window ?"

"Light pollution prevents it. These are often used to create a cute ambiance at home or to distract kids. Wanna give it a try ?" 

"Sure." 

Arthur sat on the bed as you switched all lights off, plugging your galaxy projector on, making a large blue and purple light come out of it, filled with laser dots representing stars. The background was moving a little, creating a wave effect which froze Arthur on place. He kept his head up, looking at your now star-covered ceiling. His surprised and mesmerised face was absolutely priceless ! His eyes were shining, his mouth remained half-open as he could not help but stare at these fake stars covering your ceiling. All his troubles were forgotten, making him return to a child-like state. It was such a beautiful thing to see ! 

"And it can also distract grown-ups." you smiled 

Your cowboy-roommate did not even react. His attention was completely focused on the ocean of fake stars he had above his head ! Of course, Arthur knew what a projector was. It would have been awesome to see his reaction if he had never seen such thing before, he would probably have been trying to catch these laser stars like a cat and look confused. But, at the moment, his reaction was pretty cute. 

You left Arthur alone in the room to buy a ready-made lunch at the local market. He had a phone and would call you whenever he would need your help, if he would get lucky enough to make his fingers touch the right icon on his screen. It only took you a few minutes to buy some finger food for the two of you to eat while watching a movie, you came back to find Arthur exactly where you had left him thirty minutes earlier, in the same position, with this same amazed facial expression blooming on his face. He was hypnotised by these lights enough to feel suddenly so lost as you opened the curtains of your bedroom. 

"Wh… what’s going on ?" he said, placing his large hand over his eyes. "Damn sunlight…"

"I brought us some food. You wanna watch a movie ?" 

"Yeah, why not ! Just… just let have my eyes back first, hun." 

Arthur rubbed his eyes and shook his head while you smiled. You absolutely loved listening to him giving you cute nicknames, such as hun, sweetheart, lovebug… even calling you boo, sometimes, after he heard about that nickname while watching TV. It took him a few more seconds to leave your bedroom, keeping his eyes partly closed until reaching your living room, helping you placing all the food on the table, still looking surprised you did not have any forks or knives to eat these carrots, chips, mozzarella sticks and cucumbers. He glanced at the chips and took one between his fingers. Since his arrival in your era, he had never seen or had the opportunity to taste chips !

"What’s that thing ?" he asked. "Is that really food ?"

"Oh, that’s a potato chip." 

"Really ? Just like fried potatoes ?" 

"Yeah, just like fried potatoes, but smaller and thinner. We can eat them for snacks or very random occasions. Try it !"

Arthur nodded, taking a bite of the chip before smiling and taking more of them into his large hand. You could not help but chuckle at his sudden addiction to salty treats, wiping away a few crumbs stuck in his three-day beard with the tip of your fingers. He turned shades darker and smiled, gently taking your hand and rubbing it with his thumb as you launched the movie. Avatar, by James Cameron. Back in a day, that movie had been vastly acclaimed for its large technological progress, and was still pleasant to be watched to this day. You would take Arthur to watch the second Avatar movie someday soon in case he liked the first one. 

"Are ‘em blue folks real ?" Arthur asked while pointing a Na’vi on screen

"No, they’re modelled with computers." you smiled, trying to explain Arthur about motion capture in the most easiest way. "Our technologies allow us to record actors and then modify their bodies thanks to computers to morph them into these blue folks, like you call them."

"Is there a planet called Pandora too ?" 

"I don’t know. Probably ? The universe in infinite, and we didn’t explore much yet." 

The gaze Arthur gave you was adorable. You could see his eyes shine with admiration, it was such a privilege to be able to witness an era which was more than one hundred years ahead of his time, despite its good and bad moments. You had tried your best to keep Arthur away from newspapers in order to help him remain in his rather innocent state of discovery, knowing that a simple glance at the news on TV would probably make him terribly sad and somewhat nostalgic of his own time. 

It was quite unexpected, but Arthur cried during the movie. He cried because of its overall beauty, the story appeared amazing to his eyes, the soft melodies and choirs chanting in background soundtracks moved him a lot. He loved the bioluminescent effect of some scenes, the overall atmosphere of the movie, not taking his eyes away from your TV while wrapping his arm around your shoulders, gently kissing your temple at times. He adored that, he adored this moment. Having you close to him while being fully taken into this movie made him forget about all his past troubles.

"D’you also have ‘em guns ?" he softly asked 

"Maybe… why ? You want one in case you’d come across blue people ?" 

"Mmmm… yeah. Jus’ in case. I miss my good ol' revolver, sometimes." 

You rested your head on his shoulder, somewhat amused by his sweet attitude. You would listen to his gasps, his soft squeals, his almost inaudible wows… you could not deny how adorable Arthur was. You could even hear him sniff, his chest trembling a little whenever a scene would be emotional enough to bring him to tears. Who would have thought Arthur could be so sensitive ? Those who knew him much more than you did. Hosea and Charles, for instance, and most probably John at some point, even Dutch. Just by looking at his drawings, you could have guessed he had a soft heart and high intelligence hidden underneath his rather menacing appearance. 

The movie lasted for so long… you had time to check your phone about a dozen times while resting against Arthur whose eyes were glued to the screen. You did not even want to bother him, he was absolutely hypnotised by the movie and did not want to be bothered. You smiled at him as the credits rolled, noticing tears streaming on his cheeks as you teasingly poked them. 

"Getting a little sensitive, huh ?" you smiled 

"That was a beautiful show !" Arthur answered. "I loved every second of it ! Can we watch it again ?" 

"Someday, we will. But... let's just take a break, okay ?" 

Night came pretty fast, Arthur made you a lavender infusion, you found enough energy to work a little while Arthur sat on the couch and started sketching. Very random figures, some fantasy-like sceneries… and you. You could easily tell he was drawing you by looking towards your direction a few times, then proceeding to sketch something, and looking back again. Another artwork to frame, that was for sure ! 

"What are you drawing, cowboy ?" you smiled 

"Well… I’m trying to sketch you, but I can’t get it right… you’re too gorgeous and my hand shakes too much." 

"That’s… that’s really sweet !" 

"I mean it." 

What Arthur told you made your heart stop beating, you turned shades darker and hid your face behind your hands. Your smile widened enough to cause your roommate to move closer to you, carefully closing your laptop with a large smirk blooming on his face. He made you stand up, slowly uncovering your beautiful face before dropping a sweet kiss on your forehead. 

"You’re making me melt, you know that ?" you smiled 

"Let’s get you to bed so you’ll stop workin’ on your… weird machine here." 

"It’s a computer, Arthur." 

"Well, computer or not, you’re going to bed with me ‘cause it’s kinda late."

You shrugged, you didn’t notice how fast time had passed since you decided to get back to work ! Remote-working had its ups and downs, and Arthur had complained a few times about you staying up too late instead of going to bed and hide into his embrace. He could hardly sleep without having you next to him, and there were no ways to escape him that night. How could you resist these puppy eyes and insisting behaviour ? Your arms spread wide for him to lift you up while you dragged your legs around his hips. Arthur loved carrying you around your place, he could easily remain in shape by doing this almost on a daily basis ! You did not mind it. In fact, you loved having him carry you from a room to another. Bridal and koala style, as you called it, were your favourite. 

Arthur calmly put you on the bed and proceeded switching all lights off while you changed into some more comfortable wear, slipping under your blanket as Arthur moved next to you and wrapped his arms around your waist. He took advantage of you turning yourself towards him to passionately kiss you before making you rest your head on his shoulder. You remained like this for a few seconds, in your pitch-black bedroom, up until Arthur cleared his throat. 

"Erm… Y/N ?" he sheepishly asked 

"Yeah ? What’s wrong ?" 

"Would you mind… switching the galaxy lamp on for a bit ? I… I liked it and…-"

"Sure, sweetheart."

You gasped at your own sudden reaction. "Sweetheart ? Really ?" you scolded yourself, covering your forehead with your palm. You never dared giving Arthur nicknames, not finding anyone of them suitable enough for your time-traveling cowboy, his sole name sounded just fine, you would sometimes call him by his surname. Sweetheart came out of nowhere, and was well deserved ! 

"S-sorry." you stuttered 

"Nah, it’s fine." Morgan responded. "I like ‘em sweet nicknames. "

Arthur smiled, deeply flattered by the nickname you just gave him. His heart pounded faster than expected as you calmly reached out to get the lamp and switched it on. A beautiful fake galaxy suddenly covered your ceiling, filled with laser stars which slowly moved along with the rest of the digital ocean of blue and purple clouds behind them. You analysed Arthur’s reaction and smiled at his sight. 

"Why do you like this lamp so much ?" you smiled

"Oh… it just reminds of home." Arthur answered as he moved closer to you, allowing you to place your head back on his chest 

"You never slept with a roof over your head before you came here ?" 

"I did, at some point… but I got used to fall asleep while gazing at the stars from a corner of my tent, or sometimes from my bedroll when I was away. Gazing at ‘em moving above me was always calming."

"If you want, we could go camping this summer. Would you like that ?"

You heard Arthur moan a little, feeling his heart pound faster. Your head rose a little, allowing you to get a better view of Arthur’s beautiful face. Your hand caressed his chest, drawing circles on them while you kept gazing at him. His eyes kept staring at the ceiling until he felt your gaze, slowly turning his head to you. 

"That’d be awesome." he smiled 

There were many things left to discover, many things you wanted to show Arthur. The world was full of treasures, modern or ancient, cultures you wanted him to get familiar with, places to visit… Arthur’s health was back to normal, you could now guide him through your own era without bothering about any health issues he would encounter. Indeed, that man was not twenty anymore, but you were ready to do so much for him ! You were ready to guide him, to be with him. Beyond what Francis had first asked you. Your help turned into a beautiful blossoming relationship filled with embraces, kisses and… very noisy nights. 

Switching this galaxy lamp became some sort of ritual every single night. Along with waking up to Arthur’s face and his hugs after you would come back from work, your daily embrace in bed facing a fake galaxy was your most favourite part of the day. At times, you would run your fingers into Arthur’s dirty-blonde locks, massaging his scalp with singing some song. Sometimes, he would do the same with you. You adored it, you adored him. No, you loved him… and did not have the courage to tell him just yet, but you knew this day would come soon enough. The world was filled with treasures, mysteries and beauty. 

And Arthur was going to find out about them. 

[bunniekittiee]

Liu Kang’s Guidance

A/N: This is a bit more of a serious one. It’s not an x reader. This is a vent piece. And something that maybe others are dealing with too. Sorry for the heaviness, I’m writing about what I’m feeling currently

Content Warning: Depression, suicidal thoughts(?), questioning life, purpose

The waterfall splashing did not ease the anxieties nor the sadness. But it filled your mind. Enough to stop the buzzing around in it. Yet it did not bring peace like it should.

Footsteps approached, but you knew whose they were. They were very familiar. Soft, yet purposeful footsteps.

“Hey,” Liu said, taking a seat next to you. “I have been looking for you.”

“Have you?” You asked him, eyes not leaving the waterfall. Birds chirped around you both, filling the air with their songs. The trees loomed over you both. “I am sorry for wasting your time.”

“My time will never be wasted with you.” He replied with a small smile. But he knew your mind was not in this world. “What is going through your mind?”

There was a lot. A lot that needed to come out, yet you did not want him to carry your burdens. You did not like to burden others, otherwise you would have talked to Raiden or Kenshi about what was going on. “Don’t worry too much, it’s okay.”

Liu frowned. “You can tell me anything. I am here to listen to you. Especially if it will ease your mind.”

“You have a lot on your plate. You don’t need my stresses too.” You told him as you started to pull your legs close to your body. It was a way of keeping you safe. Keeping it all inside.

“If it will help you from losing yourself to the darkness of your mind, then I will share your burdens. Now, tell me. I am listening.” He said, patiently waiting for your answer.

You sighed. “Lately I have felt out of touch with myself. For the past year, I have felt like a walking zombie. I can function, but I can’t function how I would like to. Everything feels like I’m watching myself from an outsider’s point of view. Like in third person.” You explained to him. Liu Kang understood what you were saying. He too had felt like that before. “I can hardly recall memories because in those memories, it was like I was outside of my body.”

“My anxiety has worsened. It seemingly comes on out of nowhere in more recent times. And I never used to get anxiety.” You said quietly. “I’m always so tired. I get so tired during the day, to the point I can hardly keep my eyes open, but at night I can’t sleep. And when I do sleep, I can’t sleep completely without waking up a few times during the night.”

“Have you been drinking caffeine?” Liu asked.

You shook your head. “No, I cut caffeine out of my diet for the most part. Sometimes I’ll have some, but it is usually earlier in the day where it won’t affect my sleep.”

You reviewed what you had already told him in your head. He could see the gears were turning in your head. He waited for you to continue.

“I always seem happy to everyone else, but really, I am unhappy. I feel like…” You felt the lump in your throat form. “I feel like I don’t know my purpose. Or maybe, I don’t have a purpose. I haven’t fulfilled much in my life. I feel like I’ll never be able to do it. I’ll always be stuck where I’m at.”

The tears started to brim. You didn’t want to cry, but it was difficult. “I always feel like crying. I feel like crying about everything. But I always stop myself from doing so. But sometimes I get so overwhelmed. I feel like I carry so much stress, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t get rid of it.” A few tears started to fall. He watched with a tinge of sadness. “I feel so sad. I always feel sad. Sometimes I do have good days. And those good days are really good. But a lot of the time, I am sad. Or I am in a funk. Sometimes, I lay in bed for hours because I am unable to find the energy to get up.”

Liu put his hand on your shoulder, making the tears worsen. Your bottom lip began to tremble, but you continued on. “I keep everything to myself and I just have no place to put it at. Or let it go. I feel on edge a lot of the time. My thoughts give me anxiety. They will keep me up at night or they will make me physically ill. I get random body aches that I can never explain. And they hurt a lot.” You tried wiping away your tears, but only more appeared.

“I am lonely. I am lonely in my heart and in my head. To me, all I have is myself. I don’t like to burden others because I feel like they have been through worse. Or my pain can’t compare to theirs because theirs is bad.” You swallowed the thickening of the saliva in your throat. It was like the dam had broken. Everything was flooding out. You sniffled.

“I’m not suicidal. It has crossed my mind in the past. But not as of recently. But sometimes, I think about what if I didn’t wake up tomorrow. What if it all ended tomorrow? I wouldn’t have to battle what is going on in my head anymore. I would find the peace that I have always craved. Yet I don’t beg for death.” You continued to wipe away the tears with your hand. Liu got a tissue out of a pocket and gently wiped at your face with it. It was a comforting gesture.

“I guess I’m in limbo. I’m alive, but I haven’t been living, you know?” You looked at him with red eyes and a small, sad smile. “I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I want to be better. I want to feel like a person again. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

Liu had a solemn expression on his face. He did not know how much you, his friend, was hurting. You had masked it very well.

“I’ve felt like this for so long where I feel like I should be used to it. But it’s just gotten worse. I haven’t gotten the help I need to deal with it. I’ve just been trying to deal with it in my own ways but they have all been bad. I’m always so angry or annoyed. But now, since I’ve let that stop controlling me, all I can do with my depression is just nothing. It’s sitting here eating me alive. I don’t know where and when this started. I can hardly remember.” Your eyes were beginning to puff up and the headache was forming.

“I feel like I shouldn’t be depressed. I have a good home, my family is great, things are good. Yet here I am.” You laughed, but nothing was funny. It was out of sadness. You turned your tear-stained face away from Liu Kang. “I just wish I could feel better.”

“Perhaps a hug may ease something?” Liu offered. You nodded your head, wrapping your arms around him as he did to you. Hugging a person made everything come out. The tears started to come rapidly, your body shook with sobs. Liu hugged you tighter, feeling your emotions flood out of your body. If this would help you, he would do it for all of eternity.

And he was right. A hug did ease something. It made you feel a little less alone.

“As the Protector of Earthrealm and being a creator of a timeline, I understand your loneliness and the feeling of lacking in purpose. I assure you, you are very purposeful. Everyone plays their part in their life. Just like in this timeline, everyone plays their part that they need to. They fill their purpose.” He explained as you pulled away from him, wiping away your tears and snot. “And you, you have your purpose. It is your duty to understand and know what it is. And it may not come right away, but I promise you it will.”

You nodded your head. “I guess so. I just need to push myself more and try to fix what I can. I just might need an extra push, you know?”

“And that is what we are here for. We are all here for you. No matter the circumstances. No matter what your mind says.” Liu replied as you both faced the waterfall. He placed his hand on your shoulder again. “We will always be here. You are never alone. You will never have to feel alone.”

[deathmetalunicorn1]

Hey~ Just want to drop a RoR request with terminally ill teen reader. Reader is scare she won't make it and but already made her peace. So, one day, her family overheard her singing this song:

https://youtube.com/shorts/QzKDIgeFmPI?feature=share

And finds out she wants them to sing that song, should she died... Both happy and sad ending, please

I legit made myself cry writing this. I’m gonna combine the two endings, making it sad first then happy.

-Your family was your rock, your cheerleaders, the ones who kept you going as you were fighting so hard.

-They always told you that someone so young, so small, shouldn’t have to fight something like this, a terminal disease that was slowly taking you from them, piece by piece.

-You could see their anger and their tears when they thought you weren’t looking, showering you with nothing but smiles, so you wouldn’t feel so scared, despite being scared themselves.

-You did what you could to help cheer them up, spending time with them, asking each of them questions about their own lives, wanting stories from them.

-You had made peace with your illness when doctors told you that you were terminal, you had been prepared for it, as they feared you were, and when it was announced, you were the only calm one in the room while your family were the ones who were crying, stunned stiff, and even a few who yelled at the doctors, asking if there was anything that could be done.

-There was nothing they could do. The only thing available was to make you comfortable and live each day like it was your last, as they never knew when it would be.

-Your family were always around to spend time with you, to help you with anything that you needed or wanted.

-They were in the backyard, cleaning up the fallen leaves, as winter was soon arriving, the trees shedding their leaves and they wanted the backyard to be clean so when you looked out there, it wouldn’t be a mess.

-Your bedroom window was opened, just a hair, and a soft voice rose over the backyard, singing quietly, until everyone was looking up at your window, stunned stiff, many quickly crying, “If I die young, bury me in satin~ lay me down on a bed of roses~~ sink me int the river at dawn~ send me away with the words of a love song~~”

-Your voice was weak but still so beautiful as you sang to them, unaware they were all listening to you.

-Eve told them, after bringing you some hot honey tea, after asking about the pretty song you had sang, that you wanted them to sing that song for you, so you could hear them when you died, so you could find your way home to them.

-It was only two days later when you left, quietly and without a fuss.

-Adam was the one who found you, shouting out your name and the rest of your massive family were quickly in your room, seeing Adam’s hands on either side of your head, cupping your face as his head was on the bed, his shoulders shaking.

-Loki fell back out of your room, his hands over his mouth as he slid to the ground, sliding down the wall as his tears seemed to rob him of his voice.

-Brunnhilde and Randgriz held Goll tightly as she was sobbing, with Thrud holding all three of them as she cried.

-Eve had collapsed to her knees, sobbing into her hands, crying out your name while Zeus was biting his bottom lip, tears slipping out the sides of his eyes, Poseidon and Hades on either side of him, Hades openly crying and Poseidon stunned, unable to react.

-Kojiro was the one to pull Adam away from you, hugging him tightly when the father turned on him, arms going around him tightly.

-Raiden and Shiva were openly crying, hugging Shiva’s three wives in a group hug, sharing their grief together.

-Buddha had silent tears streaming down his face as he clutched the sobbing Zerofuku, the two hugging each other tightly.

-Odin was one who didn’t cry, staring down at you, seeing the smile on your face, his throat clenched to the point of pain.

-Thor and Lu Bu looked mostly calm, but anyone could see their glares, unshed tears in both of their eyes while Ares was kneeling in front of them, sobbing loudly with Hermes kneeling next to him, hugging his brother, crying himself.

-Jack was calm looking, but he was in anguish, seeing the same color in everyone, overwhelming sadness, it made his heart ache, turning away only to find himself embraced by Hercules, who was crying, and Jack felt his tears welling before easily falling.

-Beelzebub let himself be embraced by Nikola, who hugged him tightly, burying his head in the shorter man’s shoulder, but Beelzebub didn’t realize he was crying himself until he felt his own shoulders shaking with soft sobs.

-You were gone.

-They made you a little shrine in the backyard, a beautiful grave, right in front of the massive tree that you spent so much time under before you were unable to.

-Goll sniffled softly, in Thrud’s arms before she spoke, “What was-was that song that Y/N sang that she wanted us to sing for her?”

-Everyone was mostly silent, not answering before Brunnhilde, who was sitting next to Odin and Adam, began to sing, her head low as she began to cry again, “If I die young, bury me in satin~ lay me down on a bed of roses~~ sink me int the river at dawn~ send me away with the words of a love song~~”

-Odin put his hand on her head, silently comforting her as her shoulders shook with her sobs as she only just barely was able to sing.

-A gentle breeze blew past your crying family, the wind was warm, in comparison to the chilly day and instantly many were smiling, feeling your presence, knowing what you said was true, that song guided you home to them.

-As they packed up your belongings, Kojiro came across a shoebox filled with letters, addressed to all of them, one each, all dated only the day before you had passed, giving each of them words of encouragement and love, telling them to live their lives after mourning you but to not dwell on you, promising each of them that you would come home, just in ways they would least expect it.

-Every letter ended in the same way, just for the different individual, telling them that you loved them so much.

-Your letters, although beautiful and meaningful to each one of them, led to more crying and mourning your loss, but soon they were able to move on, but never forgot about you.

-There wasn’t a day that went by, for each and every one of them, that they didn’t think about you, or look out to your grave, missing your smiling face, but as promised, you were there when the flowers bloomed the next spring, the blossoms that normally grew were a slightly different color, and they bloomed in that shade every year from then on out.

-You were always with them, like how they had always been with you.

[cazzyf1]

Thessa von Trips (Wolfgang Von Trip's mother) diary entry about Wolfgang, the preface to a biography about Wolfgang.

(Translated from German using google translate so parts don't 100% make sense)

Warning: you might cry

Started on some gray November day...

This book is for you!

This book should record a part of our lives. We both wanted it that way then - today, it is different. The pages are no longer complete. I took them out!

It would be unbearable to know that I would only have to open the pages two or three times to read your poem, to see your writing! When you left, I couldn't understand it, and to this day I still can't believe that you're no longer there! I dream of you, and when I run to the mailbox in the morning to find a greeting from you from somewhere, I am unspeakably sad and awake at the same time.

You often looked at me with astonished eyes when we talked about religion. I told you that I only believe in nature, and your objection was that nature was created by God, so it must be there. You believed in him, but why, why did he destroy everything? Because he loved you? That would be too cheap a consolidation for me. Why? Will there ever be an answer?

I think you were too good for this world. Perhaps if you had your eyes open to all the intrigue and evil around you, you would have saved from becoming evil.

You would probably have hard can be, but never insincere, let alone selfish. You believed that the people around you meant what they were saying, and you seemed content. How hard it hit you when you once did that. You had to experience the opposite; only I know. We were both suffering. You because you just couldn't understand it, I because I didn't know any consolation that could help you. Because whatever I said you didn't want to understand it. You never wanted thanks - just understanding. And what did you harvest? You were taken advantage of and certain people used your back as a jumping platform. According to the motto: “Everyone is their own neighbour!”

I don't want to and can't think about it anymore. My heart hurts! Please forgive me, I know you are sad when I have thoughts like that. I want to try to listen to you. When I think of you, I am happy. Only then. You took the word “happiness” with you. It's no longer there. It lives in me together with the thought of you. You probably know how often my thoughts are with you. I hold on tightly to it so that life doesn't become unbearable. Sometimes everything is just so damn difficult. Everything reminds me of you: cities, countries, music,

Maybe later, much later, I'll go wherever we would be happy. Then I'll run after a time that will never exist again because it stood still when you left.

Do you know that the idea that I already knew back then, the connection. Is it a gift to you that I might give back at some point or make me very, very happy? I wish that all the women in the world could be as happy as I once was for just a few minutes. It's enough for a lifetime! I thank you!

I often think about your words. They still ring in my ears today. Words whose meaning I didn't understand at the time. I couldn't do it either. You pointed the meaning of your thoughts and feelings then. And I hear the shrill ringing of the phone in the night and then your voice. How many times have I experienced this, a hundred times I have tormented myself with it.

I was afraid I wouldn't be able to help you. The word in general - no, the concept of fear - how different it appears. How many fears have I endured for you? I think you have to be afraid in order to be able to love. When you “have yourself again,” you know what a gift you have. Fear and love - two completely different words. And yet they belong together. I think of your words:

"The most important thing in life is living and sometimes I think we are already dead and we just don’t know it yet!”

That was four years ago in Milan.

I didn't want to understand your words, I couldn't understand how you - just now so unspeakably satisfied - came to this outburst. All I knew was that the fear that was almost squeezing my throat at that moment would never leave again.

And then everything came at once.

It was at this time that I learned to value minutes. I know how much you still have in seconds and that two or three words can be the greatest treasure in the world. Because they can take away the fear and tension and give happiness and satisfaction.

Just a few words... and yet they are the most important thing in life.

Why am I writing to you? Maybe to relieve myself. Maybe also to free myself from the pressure that rests on me. It feels so good to say everything and say everything you would never say!

My thoughts are with you more than ever and it is so difficult to always be composed and maintain my composure. How often do I ask myself: “What’s all this for?"

It has become so pointless and everything is so empty. Tears are the only salvation. They help, as grotesque as that may sound.

How many times have I read your letters. I'll know them by heart soon. It's the few moments when I'm happy, as always, when my thoughts are with you.

I will never forget any of your words. Your gestures are familiar to me and your fear is also clear to me.

I could paint your face with my eyelids closed - if I had the talent.

I thank you for everything! I will always think of our melody: "Love is here to stay for ever - love is imperishable!"

It will be so!

Please, teach me to live on.

Good night

My love

My love forever

[im-a-marion3tt3]

...at this point i might as well just make a home for myself in your inbox, haha !! (please please please tell me if i'm in here too often !!) i notice that you're still wanting fic requests so i can't stop myself from popping in again :0

i have two suggestions, but goodness, please don't feel pressured to write both. and if neither of them interest you, that's completely fine too !! <3 (as a cw, both requests are related to your sh/ed fics)

the first is a request for (yet another O_O) continuation of the swiss/phantom storyline. you've left me wanting more again, haha !! so perhaps swiss' screaming match conversation with dew and rain about their negative influence on phantom ?

if that doesn't take your fancy, the line in sickeningly sweet "sure he told mountain a lot but never that much" has also got me wanting more of your writing and storytelling ! i'd be really interested to know what you think phantom has and hasn't told mountain in regards to his issues with eating (and maybe even dew as well, because mountain mentioning that dew told him a few extra details that phantom hadn't has got my brain running wild with possibilities !!)

this got very long, i'm so sorry :0 and i have so, so much more to say about all of your writing too !!? but i'll leave this ask as it is for the moment, since it's already quite long <3

Omg sorry I took so long writing this. I like drowning in work rn but I finally have the time to write again! I like your idea of Mountain and Dew so here you go! Thank you for the suggestion so much and I hope you like it! Sorry it's a little short.

Dew was laid on Mountain's chest, the two of them inside of the green house on a reclining patio chair. Gently, Mountain dragged his hair through Dewdrops long hair as he gently hummed. He had been working with both Phantom and Dewdrop on their eating, being the only ghoul to have enough patience and not tell the two to "just eat". So he found himself here, enjoying the warmth of the greenhouse.

"How's Tom?" Dewdrop asked softly after a few minutes of silence. After Mountain had taken him through the list of genuinely concerning side effects, Dewdrop had felt terrible for what he had done and turned to worrying for Phantom far more than himself.

"He's getting there but it's not great. He cried over having to eat breakfast. It took him half an hour to even try it but it's better than last week when he simply fell asleep rather than ate," Mountain said in a sad tone. It had broken his heart to see the poor kit distraught over essentially nothing; but he knew it was basically everything to Phantom.

"I'm so sorry," Dewdrop whispered, his heart shattering some. Mountain just rubbed his back and sighed, feeling sorry for both of them.

"It's all my fault, Mountain, I was the one who started this," he murmured biting back tears before continuing on in a meek voice, "I d-didnt realize he was going to do this so sometimes I'd point out the calories in things I wouldn't eat. I didn't even think he knew what a calorie was. And I said so much hurtful shit after that too. I thought he wanted me to be mean to him, I really did. I thought I was making him better by being worse." Tears streaked down his face by this point as Mountain held him close, just letting him get it all out.

"And, and, I made him hate his favorite food. Do you remember when Copia would get him cakes or cookies or just something sweet after every concert? And how happy he was to get them? He was so proud of himself... And I said he looked so much better not having eaten that shit. That it showed on his hips and that it was the reason he was starting to look like a little piglet. Why did I ever say that? This is all my fault!" At this point Dewdrop was sobbing, his body shaking as he cried. Mountain just held him tightly and let him cry. To think that both of them thought like that though, it made him want to cry too. They were both getting better though, and that was what mattered. What had been said couldn't be undone, so all that was left was to hopefully undue the damages.

[memberment]

Good evening

Guys I just got home from work and proofread everything I needed to including this next Dandelion chapter and I'm trying so hard not to just fucking SOB over it.

I hate it here I want out LMFAOOOOOOO THIS IS SO SAD WHY DID I WRITE THIS FR

10:59 update......

I'm thinking about an absolutely diabolical twist for the Trin series(it doesn't actually change the story in any way, if anything it actually makes it make so much more sense). Like, I've been ruminating on it since last night but idk if it's gonna throw people off. But at the same time like part twos and threes never do as good anyways so do I really even care?? Like, I'm just out here telling stories in fanfic font bc I would rather throw myself in the street than make OCs and not share my fun little stories.

I think I may commit to it.

I don't wanna say it on here though bc it's one of those plot twists you get will not forget even though part three is like FOREVER out.

The more I think about it the more I wanna do it. Someone tell me I should do it.

Oh my god I am shutting up and finishing reading Dandelion, y'all will hear my virtual screams in approximately one and a half business hours.

(11:43) I'm actually fucking sobbing and I didn't even start the last few chapters. Like, I'm actually crying over this. It's not funny.

(12:00) Never by mag lo coming on while I'm finishing up reading this is not funny. I'm devastated. I hope you all hate me after this oh my god I feel like I just ruined my own life. WHY IS IT SO MUCH WORSE AFTER BEING DONE WITH THIS FIC FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS. Jesus Christ. Yeah. No more angst from me for a long while. I'm banned.

(12:20) Me skimming through tags on fics debating if I want to pick up something new. Everything being totally normal. Suh happy. Trying not to stew in my own misery. And then I see such a vile tag my stomach twists and now I'm just like okay I'll go fuck myself I guess I'll go write or do my homework. I'm sorry, I adore ao3 and I'm never gonna be a hater, BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE WILD. LIKE I AM TALKING SO BAD I'M ACTUALLY CONSIDERING DOING MY HOMEWORK OVER THAT. LIKE I ACTUALLY JUST WIPED THE TEARS OFF MY FACE AND GOT OVER HOW SAD I WAS BECAUSE OF HOW GENUINELY SHOCKED I WAS. Like wow oh wow.

Anyways. Updates here if there's gonna be any. Also Dandelions up if anyones reading this LMAO

It's 1:40 in the morning and the beginning of Morning Glory is making me fucking unwell. I was not joking when I made that joke about like ten dreaded weeks of angst, Jesus Christ.

(2:12) This is my second time posting this exact part. Like I know I've posted this exact part. But I seriously love Christophe and all of his dialogue with my whole heart.

(4:31) I do not recall making Dova this tragic and I'm literally about to sob over him. LIKE WHY???? WHY DID I DO THAT??? WHY ARE HIS LITTLE SUBTLE BITS OF STORYLINE SO ACTUALLY PAINFUL AS THE STORY GOES ON????? (I am allergic to happiness I am my own canon event at this point)

(4:48) THE ABSOLUTE DEVASTATION THAT COMES WITH WANTING MORE STORY BUT IT SIMPLY NOT EXISTING BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT IS DEVASTATING.

(5:02) Welp. I'm ruined and am now compelled by god to start working on Morning Glory again. We're at 73k rn. And only two chapters that aren't the prologue are under 4k. That's fucking terrifying. Like I have 17 minus the prologue rn. WE ARE LITERALLY THREE CHAPTERS AWAY FROM THE FOURTH OF JULY. THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ANOTHER 16/17 OF SUMMER ALONE. AND THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AT LEAST ANOTHER 14 AFTER THAT. LIKE THE 14 ARE THE PLANNED SPECIFIC EVENT CHAPTERS. BRUH. WHY DID I DO THIS????

regret.

regret is all I feel.

but I will push through.

(7:38) before I go to bed I will just say I am at 75.3k. I had no idea how I would even get close to 4k on a birthday chapter where the group effectively decided to just stay home and hang out. But now there is like 1.5k of them playing muffin time. It's wild. I love it. GOOD NIGHT.

[theimaginatrix27]

I've been in the Star Trek fandom spaces long enough, time to talk publicly about a thing that I am injecting into every fic where it is relevant

So if you've been paying attention to my blog the last couple months, you will know I am a huge fan of @enbygesserit 's work. They write the absolute best Dominion lore and fic I have ever had the pleasure of reading/encountering, and I eat up each new piece like my favourite confectionery.

What I am about to discuss predates any exposure I had to their work by at least thirteen years.

And the ship it surrounds was my DS9 OTP for two entire decades (before I discovered the O'Brien polycule and now my DS9 otp is a "One True Polyamorous tangle", but moving on).

That ship being Kiraodo. My heart broke when Odo confessed his love to an apparently dying Kira, she said she loved him back, and that was the clue for him to realise she was not Kira at all. And then when the Female Changeling Voice of the Link told him Kira would never love him because he was a Changeling, I was a tiny sad twelve-yo who thought, "But I love him!" And then I wanted it to be a thing.

And when I found out it was a thing in canon but they had to part ways at the end of the series, I was happy and sad at the same time.

I was a teenager, I didn't know the relationship felt awkward to some (though to be fair I still hated Children of Time and what the alternate/Gaia Odo did, but I address that in another fic so it's fine). I just wanted the sad Changeling and the fiery Bajoran to prove the mean Changeling wrong.

But also, I acknowledged to myself, even in 2009-10, that it would not be fair to Odo at all to make him leave his people again so quickly. I felt sympathetic toward the Changelings/Founders even as a teenager who had not and would not see DS9 in its entirety (curse you, cable TV! You with your reruns and exorbitant prices making it so hard for us to keep you for more than a few months at a time!) Anyways, I knew even then that I didn't want to take Odo away from his people again, even for him and Kira to be together.

So what was my solution?

Here were the canon points I considered at age nineteen (I was creating the bare bones of the Galactic Warp AU at the time and also had a strict must-adhere-to-canon policy for any fanfic ideas I'd had at the time):

The Great Link turned Odo into a solid.

The baby Changeling in The Begotten turned him back, at the cost of its life (but maybe not if it hadn't already been dying).

Therefore, it is canonically possible for a solid to become a Changeling.

What if Kira had been Changelinged?

WHY IS THAT NOT CANON?

I have this as a significant plot point in any Kiraodo content I'm going to write, so if you see Kiraodo becoming a thing in any fic, expect to see Changeling Kira show up somewhere.

"But wait!" someone yells. "You just said you didn't want to take Odo from his people, and Kira's Bajoranness is a huge part of her identity! And you're gonna just take that away from her?"

No, actually. You think the Prophets give a shit whether or not Kira's corporeal form is solid? Fuck no, they're not corporeal and time is not linear for them! The Kira is always the Kira. The Kira is always of Bajor. The Kira is always beloved of the Prophets.

This holds true in every single fic in which I have inserted this. Kira doesn't always become a Changeling full time (some of my AUs have magic), but more importantly, She never stops being Bajoran in the ways that really matter.

Which, if this had been a canon episode, would have been emphasised by the Prophets themselves and I am not taking critique on this.

"But the Founders would never do this in canon!" I hear you cry. "They hate solids and the Voice doesn't like Kira especially!"

First of all, the convoluted love triangle between Odo, Kira and the Voice was stupid.

Second of all, it doesn't even have to be them who do it, we got other more powerful entities around! Q was basically banned from DS9, sure, but what if Kira and Odo weren't on DS9?

Here's my idea for how this could have happened in canon, if the writers had really wanted to sell us the ship.

Odo and Kira have been away on a mission together (doesn't matter where, they just have to be off the station). It's sometime in Season 6, post the Dominion occupation of DS9. When the runabout returns, Odo coms the station and says he needs to give them warning about something, and they're going to have to take him at his word, however hard that may be.

"What's wrong?" Sisko asks. "And where's Major Kira?"

In response, Odo holds up his bucket. There is a Changeling in goo form inside.

"There was an—incident while we were returning from our mission. It was successful, by the way."

Sisko stares at the screen intently for a moment.

"Are you saying," he asks slowly, "that Major Kira was replaced by a Changeling?"

"No, Captain," Odo responds. "I am saying this Changeling is Major Kira."

Cue opening theme!

And possibly this would be a two-parter! I feel that with the whole theme of DS9 being nuance, and with the Dominion being such a big deal, it deserves to be!

Basically the plot would first involve a flashback to Q popping in while Kira and Odo are arguing about something Changeling-related or whatever, going "You know, I've been watching you and yours for a while now—from a safe distance of course—and frankly, I've been surprised by the lack of nuance with regard to the Founders."

And Kira's all, "Oh come on, don't you start with this high-and-mighty attitude! I read all the records about you after your last visit to Deep Space 9, you don't have any room to talk!"

"And neither do you," Q fires back. "You think your terrible acts were justified, don't you? Oh, you know they were dreadful, the fact that you could be so violent distressed you so! But when it comes down to it, you can sleep at night, because you helped drive out the Cardassians and set Bajor free. But when the Dominion imposes their order on their part of the galaxy because they used to be oppressed and were traumatised, you sit there on what moral high ground you have and pass judgment on them!"

"I don't need to hear this! Especially not from you! Sisko made you stay away from the station—from us! Now get off this runabout and leave us alone."

"Oh, you do need to hear it, Nerys. But if you insist on me leaving, let me do so on my terms. Don't worry, my little firework, I'll make sure you don't need my help undoing this." And he snaps his fingers and disappears.

And Kira's form begins to melt and she barely has time to call Odo's name before she dissolves into Changeling goo.

Back on DS9, everyone's a bit frantic after seeing the runabout footage, which confirms Odo's story. He links with her and is able to help her reform after a little time, during which we get to hear panicked Kira thoughts and some cool visuals of what the link is like for her. We get a scene after she's able to shift back into herself where Jadzia quips that she's got purple hair and Cardassian neck ridges or something, which is not amusing to her at all.

Then there's a whole discussion on how they're going to fix her before the rest of the Federation finds out, because "Are they going to believe the testimony of one rogue Changeling and the footage from a runabout computer? What if they decide Kira's a threat and take her into custody?"

And the answer is pretty obvious, especially after Julian examines a sample of her matrix and discovers traces of her dna are still in it.

They have to take her to the Great Link so she can be restored to solidity. The Founders are rather good at genetic manipulation, after all. It'll be fine!

Except they're at war, and the Voice does not like Kira, which forms the majority of the conflict, as they have to convince any Dominion forces they meet that "Seriously, we are not here to fight, please don't blow us up, we just want to help our friend, yes we mean it, don't fire!"

And in the end Kira has to pretend to be a Founder just to get the various ships to leave them alone, and it's weird as fuck for her but she makes it to the Great Link and the Voice is there and doesn't believe her at first until they link and she gets proof from her memories.

Which leads to Kira finding out about the morphogenic virus early, and being incensed, because "Look, I don't like you, but that's crossing multiple lines! I'd never have signed off on that if it were up to me, and I know Sisko wouldn't either! Doctor Bashir's brilliant—he can help you, I'm sure of it."

"Even if we did not help you right away?"

"I can wait, if I have to. I'm kind of getting used to this whole thing. It's been—an interesting experience."

And after another link to confirm that yes, she means that and it's not even in a bad way, the Voice consents to help her regain her solid status and she goes into the Great Link, gets a small taste of the Founders' collective trauma and is deeply moved by it, bursting into tears when she emerges, once more humanoid. There's a whole final scene about how she wishes more people in the Federation could have experienced what she did, and then she goes to write a log entry on the whole thing or something.

But this would absolutely change the trajectory of the war because that's how DS9 works, so it wouldn't just be handwaved away. in subsequent episodes, Julian is able to find a cure—possibly with help from within the Dominion itself because the Founders would very much like to not die and Julian is being Julian at them and they're taking a real liking to him.

And the galaxy is saved because Q did a thing! But also Kira understands Odo better after this and their relationship is all the richer for it.

*Starts chanting* It should've been canon, it should've been canon, it should've been canon, IT SHOULD'VE BEEN CANON!

[princesscolumbia]

Ānzhuōniichuan - Chapter 2

Insomnia has been making a total mess of my ability to do things, including doing the stuff necessary to get rid of the insomnia. On the plus side, I've managed to get enough sleep this last week to recover enough to finished a chapter, so please enjoy:

Summary:

Ranma and Ryoga's journey, now with their new Chinese friend Xian Pu, takes them to a dojo in Japan.

Notes:

Been dealing with insomnia that's played merry hell on my ability to get, like, ANY writing done 'cause I'm just out of spoons before the morning is half over. Finally managed to grab a few time slices as I've been forcing myself to recover to get this written. Lost Little Wolf - The Minor Key Ch. 14, Double Isekai Ch. 10, Return to Recipient Ch. 6, And at This Point I'm Afraid to Ask Ch. 5, Deviation Ch. 9, Lost in the Dark Pt. 1 Ch. 2, Fission Ch. 10 Pt 2, and a few unpublished works are still on deck and work will continue...even if a bit slowly.

Preview below the cut:

Akane sat on her heels in the way that her friend Sayuri had marveled at since they were in elementary school together, feet flat on the ground, her knees up against her chest, arms wrapped around her legs, and chin resting on the little nook between her kneecaps. She was watching Ranma as the (currently) girl sat cross-legged in front of the family shrine. Ranma's eyes seemed to drift back to the largest picture on the shrine quite regularly; Akane's mother. Tears formed a track down the redhead's cheeks, and Akane had to admit that this part-time girl looked very cute and (dare she say it?) huggable. Akane was doing everything she could to fight the impulse to wrap her arms around Ranma and just hold her until the crying stopped.

"...stupid pops..." Ranma sniffled for probably the twentieth time since they'd come out here.

"Ranma..." Akane ventured, "Why did you turn yourself into a girl?"

Ranma blinked the most recent tears out of her eyes and turned to Akane, seeming like she was waking up from a daydream. "Huh? Oh..." she wiped the tracks off her face and said, "Didn't wanna cry as a guy. Aint manly."

Akane snorted, "'Manly'? What's being a man got to do with it?"

Ranma took a deep breath, "Nothin' really, just..." she wiped at her eyes again, "...pops just always kept hammerin' on me 'bout bein' 'manly,' and I thought that's just how guys'r'supposed to learn how to be guys. 'A real man does this,' 'a real man acts like that'... 'course, half'a that was the same as the bullshit 'bout bein' honorable, an' he never was."

Akane settled herself into a proper sitting position, opting for cross-legged like Ranma was doing instead of the seiza that 'proper girls' were 'supposed' to do. Yeah, she could sit seiza, but sometimes cross-legged was more comfortable. "Seems like your father was a jerk," she said, trying to keep Ranma talking.

The redhead sighed, "Yeah, Ryoga and Xian are helpin' me see that and tryin' to teach me how to be, I dunno, the kinda person I want to be. Still gotta long way to go, though. Like, I still don't know what I said wrong earlier."

Akane scrunched her brow in confusion, "What do you mean?"

"When I asked if you were a glass cannon," she sighed, "I just...a glass cannon is somethin' that can pack a hell of a punch but breaks real easy. Sometimes that's just how some martial artists are, I'm just tryin' to ask a question but something I said is wrong..." Ranma went from a little bit sad to teeth-grittingly frustrated in the space of a few words, her hands suddenly bunched into fists.

Akane found herself momentarily at a loss for words, "...but...being called a 'glass cannon' is a bad thing. Like you're trying to make fun of someone for having a weak defense."

Ranma turned to look at Akane, her jaw slightly slack, "But...I'm not trying to...I just...what?!" Her bunched fists were suddenly up and scrubbing at her eyes as a stuttering sob escaped her again, "F-fucking pops!" she stammered out, "R...Ryoga thought I h-hated him 'cause I just used the same things pops did to get me to spar with him! And since w-we started travelin' t-together with Xian they..." she heaved a couple of sobbing hiccups, "They've been t-tryin' t'teach me not to be mean 'r' cruel, an' it's like everything I say is mean! I thought that's just h-how you knew someone c-cared! And...and pops taught me that!"

Akane couldn't hold back any longer. She practically threw her arms around the smaller girl, muttering the little calming phrases and making the noises that Kasumi did whenever she couldn't handle the stress of life any longer or the Hentai Horde was particularly aggressive and nobody else would listen.

The two of them sat for a while, Ranma safely curled up in Akane's arms, the taller girl gently rubbing Ranma's back to comfort her. After the tears finally petered out, Akane realized that she was feeling something she hadn't expected for someone who'd revealed they were born a boy under the fabric of the silk shirt. She paused in her up and down motion, fingertips gently probing back and forth. Before Ranma's back could tense up any further, she asked, "Ranma...is that a bra?"

The redhead let out a nervous chuckle, "Y-yeah, got it a couple days after we got back to Japan. I had...no idea that there was such a thing as a sports bra, but...it works for me an' Ryoga 'cause of the curse." They disengaged enough for Ranma to look down at her own chest, as though the shirt wasn't there, "Pull 'em on like a shirt, the band stretches when we get hit with hot water and nothin' in the cups to really stick out or be obvious when we're in guy forms." She sighed, mostly seeming to need the breath to recover from the emotional outburst, "Didn't know...pops always made it seem like women wore bras 'cause they were weak or somethin'. Xian got kinda sick o' me fightin' without wearing one an' challenged me t'wear one during a spar an'...well, I don't think I wanna go without one ever again while I'm practicin' the Art, and since everything's practice..." she shrugged.

Akane could say quite well she didn't know any boys that didn't want to do martial arts without a bra. Now that Ranma seemed to have regained some of her emotional equilibrium, they separated, both now sitting cross-legged and facing each other. "Ranma...do...um..."

Ranma, for her part, just sat and waited for Akane to get her thoughts in order.

Akane took a deep breath, "I...my sister was right, I've been...every morning I have to fight a horde of boys just to get into school. And they made it clear they're intention is to overpower me and..." she swallowed, the fear she used to fuel her anger every day welling up inside her, "...take advantage of me."

"What?!" snapped Ranma as she started from her seated position. To her credit, she seemed to come to her senses and sit back down, "...sorry," she muttered.

Akane smiled, her expression pinched from the anxiety of the morning brawls bubbling inside but grateful that she seemed to have stumbled onto someone who was just as indignant about it as she was, "Thank you, Ranma. But," she took another deep breath, "I guess I've been letting them twist how I see boys up..."

Ranma nodded, "An' if yer enemy gets inta your head, then they're the ones pickin' the battlefield."

Akane mirrored Ranma's nod, "So because I need to...overcome this weakness, I need to ask you a question and hope it's not, like, the rudest question I could possibly ask."

Ranma tilted her head in a motion that reminded Akane of nothing less than a kitten encountering an ice cube for the first time, like she had no idea what was going to happen next but curiosity was driving her to learn no matter what and damn the consequences.

Taking that as encouragement, Akane plowed ahead, "Are you a boy or a girl?" She bit her lip, suppressing her embarrassment at having even had to ask.

Ranma's gaze seemed to turn inward, "...you know, I guess I'm a little of both?" she said after a while. "I mean, before the curse, I'd've told you I was a guy, 100 percent, but a lotta that was based on what my pops said, and we both know how much of a dumbass he was. But...I mean, I like bein' a guy sometimes. I want to be taller and more muscular and have longer reach an' all that. And sometimes I just like seein'..." she blushed, "Um...what I was born with between my legs." Akane blushed at that as well, which Ranma clearly picked up on because she said her next sentence in a tumble of words, "Not, like, in a hentai way or nuthin', but just 'cause it's, you know, what I 'spect t'see. But since I got the curse, I'm...I dunno, kinda seein' lots of stuff different. Like, chocolate is different!"

"It is?!" blurted Akane.

Ranma nodded enthusiastically, "And ice cream with chocolate? Gods! No comparison! I mean, I never got the 'guys don't eat sweets' thing before, but when I'm in girl mode it's like my tongue was made for sweets! And..." she blushed, "I...kinda like lookin' cute and...pretty. And I'd kinda like t'wear a dress an' just...be a girl for a bit."

Akane found herself smiling, easily imagining taking the redhead on a shopping trip with her friends Yuka and Sayuri.

Ranma grimaced, "Aint a fan of the cramps, though."

Akane thought her eyes would pop out of her head, "...cramps...?! Like, you have a period?!"

The redhead tossed her head back and let out a melodramatic groan that lasted nearly thirty seconds before slumping down (clearly exaggeratedly) and grumping, "Apparently I'm an 'early developer,' 'cording to Xian's granny. They weren't expectin' Ryoga or me to have our periods for, like, two months or somethin' so didn't say nothin' at first 'cause Xian was already fixin' to give me an' Ryoga 'the talk.' Then 'bout a week after we got back to Japan I woke up hurtin' like crazy and Xian had t'call home 'cause she thought it was somethin' else and Elder Ku Lon just laughed her wrinkly ass off so loud I could hear it over the phone an' across the room." She straightened, "Aint..." she turned green, "Bleedin' yet, but I gotta carry a pad around just in case now."

"But...you change back and forth, right? Can't you just, I don't know, stay a guy as much as possible during it?"

Ranma curled her lips and stuck out her tongue in irritation, "That's what I asked first thing. The magic of the curse aint, like, givin' me a new body every time. It's just flippin' me back an' forth between bein' a guy and bein' a girl like I'd been one the whole time. I can stop the period with hot water, but the second I flip back to girl-mode the period picks up right where it left off. Now I gotta wear either panties or briefs no matter what 'cause boxers sure as hell don't hold a pad."

Akane paled slightly, "Oh, um, are you...? Is it...?"

Ranma shrugged, "Nah, that was last week and was short 'cause I guess it was my body's first time an' all. But it was two days and tryin' to hide that your pad's slipping fucking sucks, let me tell you."

Akane turned as scarlet as her name for a bit as she imagined being in a similar situation. Frantically trying to drown out her scattered thoughts, she asked, "So when should I think of you as a boy?"

Ranma shrugged again, "Any time I am one, I guess. Xian and Ryoga've been tellin' me to use hot or cold water whenever I'm feelin' more 'boy' or 'girl.' That's why I got the water in there," she pointed to the house, "When I was feelin' like I needed to cry. I just...don't feel much like a boy, so I changed."

"Huh...I guess you're kind of lucky like that."

The smaller girl's face scrunched in confusion, "What are you talking about? It's a curse!"

Akane held up a hand placatingly, "Yes, and it's awful that it happened to anyone, but there've been times I kinda wished I could turn into a boy to take on the horde. Not really any other time, but if I could just once take 'em on as a man I bet they'd think twice about trying again the next day."

Ranma's smile was strained but sympathetic, "I guess I can see that."

"So do you...I guess... 'switch' mentally, too?"

Ranma shook her head, but then seemed to think about it and tentatively bobbed her head in a single nod, "I didn't think I did at first, but lately if someone says 'he' or 'him' about me when I'm in girl-mode, I start lookin' around for who they're talkin' about. And a few days ago I had a cop tryin' to look me up...long story, but we'd had more'n a few times the cops tried t'put me in jail 'cause my pops used my name for his bullshit, an' I was just...tired of it and already in girl mode, so I made up the name 'Ranko,' kinda on the spot, and yesterday I was in girl-mode and Ryoga said my name...er, she said 'Ranma' three times before I realized she was talkin' to me 'cause I just kinda started thinkin' of my girl-mode as 'Ranko.'"

They were quiet for a bit, the sound of the rain muting the rest of the outside, making them feel like their entire world was just the dojo.

He...she has periods, wears a bra, thinks of herself as a girl... Akane could almost feel her worldview shifting around in her head, I mean, sure, sometimes he is a boy, but even as a boy he was treating me better than any of the boys at school...ESPECIALLY Kuno! She had no idea what this meant for her in the larger context of her life, but her family's school was all about learning and adapting and growing in spite of everything thrown at you and becoming better than everyone else because of what was thrown at you.

She came to a decision, though exactly what the conclusion was or the path to get there she couldn't say. Smiling warmly, she reached out and offered her hand to Ran...ko. "Well, then hello Ranko, I'm Akane. Would you like to be friends?"

Akane didn't really understand the phrase 'lighting up the room with a smile' until that moment when Ranma practically glowed in response to Akane's offer.

Read the whole thing on AO3

[calliopevault]

Below is fanfic I wrote a few years back. My intentions was to write Thalia’s pov when she was turned into a tree. Hope you like it and enjoy the read!

Since Half-Blood Hill

“I haven't known peace since... since Half-Blood Hill”

The worst thing about dying was the darkness. The thick darkness that I felt on my skin - it wrapped me in fatigue, taking away my energy and making me sleep. A heavy sleep until, little by little, my senses went out. That's how I felt. Trapped in a limbo, waiting to get to the other side, to see some light calling me as everyone says it happens after death. But nothing came for me. There was no light after a tunnel. Only a cold blackness. So cold that I froze. I just froze and slept. I fell asleep in seconds without knowing I would spend the remaining ten years of my life sleeping.

It wasn't unpleasant at all, I guess. At least there, trapped in the abyss, I only remembered good things—little anecdotes from my childhood. The games I invented with my brother. On Friday nights where we watched all his superhero movies. Then I dressed him in a cape and carried him in my arms as I ran around the house pretending he could fly. He always liked to fly. I even remembered the happy moments with my mother. Moments that I couldn't figure out if they were real or not.

Everything was confusing. My life didn't look like mine. I could see myself, but I didn't feel anything about what I was doing. I guess I became a spectator in my own life. I was watching my childhood like a dream. And like in all dreams, no detail was clear. At one point, I played with my brother and the other I was in my school. And above all, like all dreams, some parts are erased, and some parts are kept. For example, I could never remember my brother's sad end. While trapped in that place, he was always there with me.

I never asked myself if it was real or not. Something or someone wouldn't let me think of anything other than sleep. I listened to a man's voice like a lullaby. I don't remember what the voice said, but I remember that my eyelids were sealed every time I listened to him. The weirdest part was that the voice reminded me of my father. I guess the reason I never wanted to know is because the unreal was peaceful. Death, if it is peaceful, is not so bad. The worst thing was to come back from it knowing that the brother you raised really left you at the age of six.

Or that the only boy you loved is no longer the same one you said goodbye to. And yes, I also dreamed of him. Especially the first time I met him. He was a thin boy fainting under the clutches of a dragon in a dark cave that I found thanks to my magic guide Amaltheia, the goat. Then he became my only friend and my new family. He became my companion and protector. Our family was a new hope for me. It was he and I against the world. Then we expanded into three and promised never to let each other down. I guarded that promise until I sacrificed myself just to see them safe.

Because even if I don't remember exactly what happened to me, I have a quick memory of a pair of sobbing gray eyes and the voice of a boy shouting my name. A cry with so much anguish that it was the only bad memory that the voice could not erase. In the end, all those memories did give me a break. My mind became the only part of my body that I could feel. The rest were numbed. Although, for some reason, I have a vague memory of my feet planted on the ground. A rare and unique sensation that I never experienced again.

But it awakened in me those muted senses to the point that I could feel every grain of earth under the sole of my feet. And there, feeling that I could move my fingers for the first time in ten years, I opened my eyes. When I opened them, I saw the light I had been waiting for all that time trapped in the abyss. The silence of the voice was only a confirmation- my time was running out. I wanted to close my eyes again, but I couldn't. So I watched until the light approached. It was thicker than the darkness since I could feel it breaking something around me. And when I thought I would be on the other side, I came face to face with the blue sky.

Looking at it, I realized that I wasn’t completely dead all that time. I guess I was just in the waiting room. And when they were finally going to call my name, they returned me back. With a little effort, I got up since I was lying on the ground for some reason. I could hear voices around me, steps approaching. I tried to remember what was happening, where I was. And most importantly, where the two of them were. Peace was over. I stumbled backward and had to hold onto a pine tree branch. I looked at it and understood. That was the pine tree that I took refuge in. Hearing the steps getting closer, I prepared myself.

Next to me, the pine tree stayed still. He was making fun of me in his peaceful death.

[forabeatofadrum]

Hmm.. I'm always so happy when I win, but then I realise I never know what to prompt lol

I'm gonna do the same for you as I did for @rockitmans and pick three small prompts from @caramelcoffeeaddict's Klaine prompt gdoc for you to choose your favourite from ;)

You’re always seated in my section of the diner and one day you look really sad so I brought you a free dessert to cheer you up

You’re the doctor explaining my surgery to me and I have no clue what you’re saying because I’m too mesmerized by how attractive you are

Someone stole my lunch out of the fridge in the teacher’s lounge, so you offer to share yours with me.

Just half an hour ago, I told myself I'd finish this fic and then I was struck by inspiration, so here we are!

I love all these prompts, but I am besotted with no. 1 so here we go. Gwen, I am blanking on a title though, so please, help me out, so that I can post it together with the two other fics and then it'll be my 69th work in the Glee fandom on AO3 (nice). I mean, I can post them separately, but do it for the 69!

***

Kurt doesn't love working at the Spotlight Diner. It's a survival job for him, Santana and Rachel. Luckily, there's always some good things to be found. He likes that he gets to sing and people genuinely seem to enjoy it. And he also has some loyal customers that always sit in his section. His favourites are two elderly women who tip heavily, and Eyebrows.

Eyebrows is an attractive guy who dresses neatly and he has a warm smile. He's always incredibly kind towards Kurt and his colleagues and yes, okay, Kurt might have a small crush on him. But Kurt needs to be professional. That's why he's never asked for Eyebrows's name. Santana came up with Eyebrows as a placeholder, to Kurt's dismay. She named him after his triangle shaped eyebrows.

Kurt has another shift, but to his surprise, Eyebrows shows up. He usually never shows up on Monday evenings. Something else is off.

“Eyebrows looks sad.”

“Do not call him Eyebrows, Santana!” Kurt hisses, but his friend is right, because Eyebrows looks like he’s been crying.

Santana covertly nods towards Eyebrows.

“Talk to him.”

Kurt hesitates. Eyebrows looks like he doesn’t want to be bothered. Kurt tells Santana that, but she rolls her eyes.

“He’s gone to a public diner and you’re his waiter,” she points out. She has a point. Kurt does have to serve him.

Then he has a small idea. Kurt rushes to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, Kurt walks towards Eyebrows, holding a small sundae. It’s not much, but it’s all he could get. Gunther definitely doesn’t approve of giving freebies, even to loyal customers.

“Here,” Kurt puts the sundae on the table.

Eyebrows was hiding his head in his hands, so he is startled. He looks up to see Kurt. Eyebrow’s eyes are gorgeous, even when they’re filled with tears, which is kind of a weird thing to think. But Eyebrows is gorgeous!

“You probably need it,” Kurt shoves the sundae closer to Eyebrows. He gives him a comforting smile.

Eyebrows’s looking at Kurt as if he was sent from the heavens above.

"Are you okay?" Kurt asks. It's definitely a rhetorical question. Eyebrows look far from okay.

So Kurt isn't surprised when Eyebrows shakes his head.

"Do you, uh, want to order or do you want to talk?" Kurt asks. Gunther would scold Kurt for taking more time, but Eyebrows might need him and Kurt doesn't mind talking to him.

"I... got fired from my dream job."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

Eyebrows looks like he's about to burst into a fresh round of tears, but he does pick up the spoon. Kurt sees that as a win. While Eyebrows shoves ice cream into his mouth, he tells Kurt about what happened. Kurt listens attentively and makes affirming noises every now and then. It does sound terrible. Eyebrows was on Broadway. He was going to write music for a show, but due to "creative differences", he was let go. Kurt also dreams of going to Broadway, so he's crushed on Eyebrow's behalf.

By the time the sundae is gone, the story is over. Eyebrows looks calmer.

"Sorry for unloading that all on you."

"It's fine, I get it."

"You do?"

Kurt then tells Eyebrows about his Broadway dreams. Unlike Eyebrows, he never realised them (although Eyebrow's dreams aren't coming true either now), but he understands the wish to make it on in the Broadway scene. He went to NYADA, for Christ's sake, and he's still a waiter with a lot of student debt.

"So, truly. I don't mind."

Eyebrows laughs awkwardly.

"Thanks. I needed it. The venting and the sundae. How much do I pay for it?"

"It's on the house," Kurt quickly reassures him.

Eyebrows is radiating gratitude.

"The usual?" Kurt then asks.

"Yes, please."

--

The next day, Eyebrows appears again. He looks happy. Kurt tells him that when he greets him.

"I am!" Eyebrows sounds exhuberant, "I got my job back."

"Really?"

"Yes! Some other people in the creative team disagreed and they fought the decision and apparently the person who fired me didn't even discuss it with the others. Now his position is being questioned! My role might change a little bit, but I am back on board."

"Eyebrows, that's amazing!" Kurt says and in his excitement, he doesn't realise he called Eyebrows Eyebrows.

"... Eyebrows?"

Kurt, embarrassed, explains the context. Luckily, Eyebrows laughs and he seems to enjoy it.

"I am flattered, but my name is Blaine."

"Kurt," Kurt says back.

"I know."

Right, Kurt has a name tag.

"I don't mind being called Eyebrows, but in case you need a reminder," Eyebrows - Blaine - opens his pocket and he takes out a wallet. He hands Kurt a business card.

Blaine has a business card, which is professional, but Kurt doesn't know why Blaine's handing it to him. Yes, Kurt told Blaine he has a Broadway dream, but Blaine isn't influential enough to help him get a job.

"... Thanks?"

"My name is on there. And my number as well."

Oh.

"Oh."

Blaine's eyes light up.

"Well it is very important information for me to remember," Kurt says coyly, "The name is important as well."

Their moment is cut short when Gunther tells Kurt to hurry up. Kurt tries not to roll his eyes and Blaine also looks saddened by the interruption.

"The usual?"

"Always, but add a sundae to it," Blaine says with a wink.

Kurt does his job. He doesn't have a lot of time to stop at Blaine's table, but he doesn't mind. Kurt has the feeling he'll talk to Blaine more often, even outside of work.

[evansbby]

naur coz why doni feel like mean!ari is way meaner than poyt-steve coz atleast poyt!steve was quick about breaking it off with sharon and being a simp all abput being girlfriend-boyfren and mega never share! with mean!ari and baby i feel like at this point hes totally playing her. he prolly still in that steve era thats like ya she'll stay a sidechick coz shes wayyy below my league but everyone will know shes mines and im fucking her. until naive baby is well and truly heartbroken one day when sharon flashes her ring around campus. didnt mean shit to ari but its a fucking ring ofcourse its a big deal! and coz shes a good girl shes like NO HES A BIG MEAN LIAR! HES GONNA MARRY HER IM NEVER GONNA BE HIS GIRLFRIEND! I HATE HIM! (but actually no shes just big sad :(.) and then obv her dad was a serial cheater but they kept the toxic marriage together for 'their children' and thats why she grows up super naive and trusting of ari. but maybe a weeks ago her brother or mother confesses coz the dads off on a cheating binge again and thats why they had to cancel their weekly dinners for the 3rd time :( omg i feel sad now.

so anyways because of that shes like fuck i will never get in the way of a couple especially engaged or married couple and i shudve never gotten with ari! and when ari corners her shes like

"I'm quitting you!"

he like "Huh?"

"No more, Ari! I am NOT a home wrecker! I wont do that! I hate that."

And hes just cooing at her and shes melting and suddenly she starts quiet crying, clinging to him and she whispers "Please stop Ari. I love you but I hate that you make me hate myself. "

And hes stunned.

"If you keep lying, I'll believe you. Because I want you so badly, Ari... I always want to just be near you, even if you can't kiss me but you always, always do... you always hurt me. I'm quitting you, Ari, because I am not Sharon. And I want to be. Not the one you use, not the sidechick."

ugh SHUT UP! i wanna hug her.

and Aris at a loss and for the first time ever she manages to slip away. shes not on campus the next few days, not trace of her. she back at her familys house with her mother and they have a normal few days. the unspoken miserable commiserationof both being the one cheated on and cheated with. they knit together at sunset and make special teas at dawn. her mother says that the beach is good for the soul so on the last day they go to the beach together and they play tic tac toe in the sand.

when the mum drops her back off at campus its errily quiet, theyre staring at her but she has the hood of her jacket up and shes just shuffling her way back to her dorm. red jacket, splitting the crowds like little red riding hood in the forest.

turns out ari turned the whole canpus upside down and so did sharon in her anger. but guess who changed the lock on her dorm room? left a note saying you know where to find me. and when she shows up she'll be the last one standing if she ever tried to leave again coz ari would leave no one else for her to run to.

badumtsh!

-🐝🖖anon

Omg bestie 😩😩😩 first of all, yes you’re kinda right! At least poyt!Steve made omega his public girlfriend after like… two days. He also promptly dumped Sharon (via text, but he still dumped her loool). So in that sense, he’s better than wg!Ari. But wg!Ari isn’t as cruel or plain fucked up as poyt!Steve (or is he 🤔🤔🤔 hehe)

And omg bestie not you writing a whole saga!!! I love it!!! All the angst! Reader playing tic tac toe on the beach with her mom 🥺🥺🥺 AND THE CONFRONTATION WITH ARI AHHHHHHHH

[marengogo]

5: Marengo & The Rainbow Avengers

Take Two - by BTS  

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

I meant to post this yesterday, in honour of their birthday, but, 24 hours never seem to be quite enough do they? So, here it is, the SUPER-LONG-DETAIL story of how Marengo was unexpectedly saved by 7 Rainbow Avengers, also known as BTS.

CHAPTER 1: MY HEART WAS BROKEN

The date was January 27; 2019. ARASHI japanese boy band that debuted in 1999 got together and in front of a well organised, and somewhat serene, press setting, televised to their fans all over the world including myself, announced that they would go on an indefinite hiatus starting January 1, 2021. Not sure why I wasn't expecting this. This was the first time they every did something like this, and the tell-tell signs had been plenty, but still, had I been ready, it still would have hit as hard as it did.

I remember silently crying, as Ohno their leader and my bias, who is the one in the middle of the above picture spoke and told us how, basically. he was tired and just wanted to spend his time on his boat fishing his days away. Fishing had always been his passion, but he also always dreamed of becoming the captain of his own ship Monkey D. Luffy watch out!. ARASHI had quite a few of their own shows and in one of them (Arashi Ni Shiayagare) we the fans, and the other members, got to cheer him on as he studied to get a licence to drive a boat. He succeeded, got his boat and for the rest of that year’s show he’d take us on adventures with his boat, fishing with famous Japanese celebrities as guests it was still a show after all. Every time he was on his boat he looked so fucking happy. So when he finally made the announcement, yes, I was shocked, yes, I was distraught, but ultimately I was happy for him. Just a whole STORM arashi means storm of emotions really. 

You need to understand, at that point, I had been their fan since 2009. If my Japanese is at the level it is right now, 1/10 of it is definitely thanks to them, since I used to regularly translate all their songs, dramas, shows, etc. To imagine I only started listening to them as a fun way to help me study Japanese … Anyways, back on track … their announcement happened on my 10 year anniversary (their 20th) and I remember the following day coming back from work, with their music in my ears, stopping at a traffic light wanting to cry as I kept thinking about them and right in that moment, I looked up at the big screen and so the following ad:

That evening was the first time I actually EVER seen the boys. Before that evening I had only  heard about them, A LOT,  and now in hindsight I know why. The first time had been some time in 2017, while I was looking for japanese articles to translate, I happened upon one that was about ARASHI, obviously, I got super excited and decided to read it. Only to find out how this journalist was basically describing why according to him ARASHI stood no comparison against this 7 boy band sensation “called BTS”. I was so irritated by that article I didn’t even bother to read their country of origin and for the longest time I decided they were Chinese 🤡. Mind you, I never once thought of BTS even after reading that article, my mind was ARASHI ARASHI ARASHI FOR DREAM! but that evening when I saw that ad I hated them. So I walked away, sad and angry O THE DRAMA! 🤡 but just like the first time I heard of them, I never thought of them again.

2020 rolled in, and just right before COVID, I started exploring new things on the internet amongst which I discovered a certain at the time budding actor and become a big fan not about to give myself out, so I won’t tell you who 😜, Let's call them X. What does a fan with extensive editing knowledge do? Why fan-edits of course! So I started making edits of X, and one day, as I was helping make X trend on Twitter for an event they were attending, on my timeline a particular video kept reappearing. So I clicked:

CHAPTER 2: I WAS LITERALLY SPEECHLESS AND MESMERIZED

Within ARASHI, only Ohno could actually dance, but these boys ... these boys could ALL dance and apparently they also sang, some holding one hell of a tune, and that beat, ooh the entire production…: JUST WOW. I must have watched the video another 10 times at least and all the while it never got old, in fact it only got better with every listen; so I then ended up adding ON to my playlist.

This day was February 25, 2020 and this is the date I unknowingly became ARMY and also the day I celebrate my anniversary on. Now you need to understand, my COVID days were mostly making edits of X, supporting X, trending for X on twitter so at this point I didn’t have the thoughts of wanting to find more about BTS. In my head, I found a song I liked, and thought "cool, I guess I don't necessesarily have to hate them ..." I quickly looked up JUNGKOOK because you don't belt a not like that and act like it didn't happened and kept it moving. 

Couple of days later, I’d start working on my first edit of X which blow up. This edit was was made using this one song I heard on a compilation which was circulating on twitter, it had a “certain dancer named Jimin” doing high kicks. The background song they used was named; UGH!. Sure, the dancer was hella skilled … but that song, I couldn’t stop playing the clip and though it was probably because of Jimin, my brain decided that it was the song can’t believe I found the exact edit!!! 👇🏾

Did I realise that UGH! which took me forever to find as I didn’t understand it was the name of the song at first 😂😂😂 was sung by BTS; as in THE SAME BTS I apparently didn’t hate so much anymore? NOPE. It didn’t even occurred to me because THAT BTS was a 7 member boy band not a hardcore 3 member rap group 😬😬😬. Anyways, I became obsessed with UGH! And as one does when in confinement, I started looking for people who would share my same enthusiasm, and since I had already fallen into the world of reactions on youtube for TV series THANKS A LOT COVID 🙃I thought I’d look to see if there was anyone who would react to songs, in this case, UGH! By the rapper group named BTS still to this point I had NO CLUE that they were the same people… I had to download an mp4 version from the internet in order to do the edit, so I didn't even know if it came from an album or where else and what I found was:

They were hella excited and I really could relate with that because that song always made me wanna turn the fuck up, but most of all, they were black people interested in something asian, and that for me was something I could heavily appreciated. Everyday I kept coming back to watch that reaction because it just made me so happy, and gave me so much energy, so I decided to see if they had any more songs from this rapper group. The first video that came up was their reaction to ON KINETIC MANIFESTO. THE AMOUNT OF DOTS THAT STARTED CONNECTING IN MY HEAD WERE SO MANY YOU’D THINK I DISCOVERED THE THREE LAWS OF EINSTEIN!

You should have seen my face when I discovered that UGH! was on the same album as ON: 🤡. This also made me want to look up the one member whose features really appealed to me the most, not gonna lie to y'all, it was love at first sight: RM. Wanting to know who he was I went on wikipedia, typed BTS and kept clicking every members name until I found him wikipedia has them ordered by age. I started reading about him and chuckled when I found out he was the leader what can I say, i seem to have had a type! aaaand he thought himself english and that made him even sexier in my eyes. When I tell you I spent a couple of days being obsessed with Namjoon 😬😬😬 ...

Anyways, I think a part of me wanted to start being invested, thus, before continuing watching more reactions with FoSquad I decided I wanted to listen to MOTS7, in its entirety, by myself and aside from ON and UGH! The only other song that I absolutely adored was Filter. AND SO began my search for the uncredited female singer that sang Filter, whom I couldn't find anywhere, NOT A SINGLE GOOGLE PAGE HAD THE NAME OF THE FEMALE SINGER THAT SANG FILTER ON ONE OF THE BIGGEST ALBUMS OF THE YEAR. For a couple of days this is what my google search looked like “What is the name of the female singer that sings Filter with BTS”. … 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

CHAPTER 3: A THREE MONTHS BLINK

Not finding an answer with regards to the mysterious Filter Singer and also concluding that the internet was still so lacking on proper representation of Asian artists, rather than me being the one who was dumb AF, I went continued my supporting X life, while constantly listening to ON, UGH! and Filter. Eventually, it was time to make another X edit, meaning I needed to search for new songs and since X was obsessed with BlackPink I decided to give them a chance and at the time the most recent song was SOUR CANDY feat. Lady Gaga. It was very Gagaish I just so happen to really like Gaga and the beat was perfect for editing, so I used it. On top of that, I joined X's I don't remember how many days countdown to the premiere of “How You Like That”. As I said, X was obsessed with BlackPink, hence, I became a Blink for 3 months.

The day How You Like That dropped I was just as excited as X and at the time I was staying with my directors at their place and they became my "covid bubble". The 3 of us were trying to save our company during COVID inactivity, which meant that during the mornings it was an incessant string of calls with lawyers, with rightfully desperate landlords chasing for money we didn’t have, third parties also needed money we didn't have ... basically, just a whole lot of heavy grinding. But in the evening, we'd cook dinner and we’d all watch a movie once we had quickly gone through the most recent Queer Eye season, even Queer Eye in Japan! and after they’d go to bed, I’d step up, talking with my X Twitter GC, while watching other shows and right before going to bed I'd watch How You Like That to get my spirits ready for the next day.

This was my routine at their house, every day from the release of that song, for a good 2 months. When August rolled around I decided to go back home, as the situation with the company seemed at least a bit stable. So it was back to self-distancing by myself and to my own surprise I didn’t feel the urge to listen to BlackPink at all. X was all that really mattered after all, and they had stopped talking about them, for the time being. So one early ass morning on August 21, 2020 I just so happened to be awake and twitter was buzzing with people waiting for a new BTS song to drop. As I was already awake and had another hour waiting for X to appear at their interview event, I decided to silently wait with ARMY; I did like ON after all. Thus, came Dynamite

CHAPTER 4: LIKE AN ECHO IN THE FOREST

It was nothing like ON. So at first I was a bit confused and didn't know what to think, as it was clear that I hadn't understood their genre. Yet, somehow, that boy winking at me at the end of the MV kept making me want to replay the song and before I knew it I was “shining through the city with a little funk and so-oul!”. Eventually, I looked him up and found out that the cute boxy smile boy with the light blue outfit’s name was V. Just as easy a name to remember as RM. By all means, he wasn’t RM, but that smile just was the cheekiest thing I had seen in a while.

But there was another person that was also FINALLY "introduced" to me through this video, the one who was my mysterious female voice and "UGH! dancer": JIMIN. Not sure why it didn’t connect with ON but the second I heard his voice in Dynamite DOTS WERE CONNECTING LEFT AND RIGHT, AND IT WAS FINALLY CLEAR IN MY MIND THAT SHE WAS ACTUALLY A HE, WHO WAS PRETTIER THAN A SHE AND SANG & DANCED LIKE AN ANGEL 🤯🤯🤯. ... Basically Dynamite introduced me to VMIN. 

It goes without saying, my queer-senses were all over the place with Jimin. So, as i usually do, not at all knowledgeable of the South Korean culture, I dove into the internet to ask and see if JM was part of the community: nothing came up. In fact, it was full of people going to a great length to explain why there was NO WAY IN HELL THAT JM WAS QUEER. Funnily enough, as I kept trying to look for connections between JM and the community, all that came up with connections between RM and V and the community (as they had made posts and connected with queer people, music, etc). The strong denying of any sort of connection between JM and Rainbow nation did discourage me a little, NGL. I had spent a year trying to not fall for queerbaiting and I didn’t want it to happen again. However, as I didn’t want to jump the gun since I didn’t quite know them at all, I decided that even though he wasn't a Fred Mercury he perhaps was a Bowie or a Prince. I was okay with that and decided to close that rainbow chapter at that AT THE TIME, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW WHERE I STAND NOW 🤡. 

The weeks following Dynamite things around X’s management start to look very dodgy and fishy. As a fan you want to be positive, hope for the best, but as more and more evidence was brought forth I had to start to at least dissociate X from their company. This really made me and my X-friends incredibly sad and pretty disenchanted I will admit. Day by day we tried to look at the bright side but, it kept looking rather grim and right about that time somehow I was exposed to STAY GOLD and LIFE GOES ON. Thought Stay Gold wss the one in Japanese, the one that stuck with me was Life Goes On. I remember walking around the still empty studio we hadn’t been able to reinstated none of my colleagues with Life Goes On playing rather loudly. The comfort that song provided me in that moment I will never be able to explain. Is probably the same feeling older ARMY have with Spring Day. Life Goes On came to me in a moment when I really needed to hear those words, gently and promising, like an echo in the forest. 

As it started to become clearer that X was just as cowardly as their company I took a break from my Twitter page, which also just so happened to fall around Xmas time, so I got to actually have a real break with my sibling away from all that nonsense and into a different more secure looking world.

CHAPTER 5: WHO IS BTS?

I spent a good deal of my xmas break watching people's reaction to BTS, their story, their struggles, their MV. Through these reactors and “BTS experts” I was introduced to SOPE. In my baby ARMY experience they came as a set, Ying&Yang, one the opposite of the other, at least this was how majority of the old BTS edits and explaining videos would portray them luckily we now have many updated and more extensive videos out there. While watching all these compilations I also eventually learned all their names and started watching RUN BTS from episode 1 when I figured out tha utmost of the edits were from there I thought “Let’s go straight to the source, if I want to learn really what they are like”. 

The first thing that became pretty clear to me was that for example HOBI and YOONGI weren’t quite exactly like the compilations had been describing them all of them in fact. And it wasn’t like all the boys tried to act reserved or hide certain parts of themselves, they seemed so open that if people paid even just the smallest amount of attention they would know. So for the first time in a long time I found a group that wasn’t giving me doubts, worries … I really didn’t have to think too much but at the same time I knew that if I ever fell back into being depressed from my post-COVIDic environment, they’d also be able to find me down there, because they didn’t seem to shy away from those situations either. 

Going back to RUN BTS real quick, the one thing that it did for me, was introducing me to none other than KIM SEOKJIN. Before I knew it I always found myself following jin on the screen, waiting for him to talk and say a pun or dad joke, or just wanted to see and hear him laugh … I developed a crush for Jin and a small pointy edge every time someone would leave comments on youtube like “why is jin even in this band”, “ there is a reason why Jin dances in the back”. “Jin is not even handsome”. GURL/BOI/ENBY. Taking a break from X meant I would stay well away from Twitter, so I had no idea about BTS proper solos, antis, etc and like a moth to a flame, I’d fall for any troll and start defending Jin against the world. MFers … how dare they disrespected him like that! AND IN FRONT OF ME!

That being said a person called me a Jin-solo in a comment and the second that happened I was about to reply that "Yes I love Jin-" the implications of being a solo, COMPLETELY lost on my Baby ARMY ass but the second i started typing I immediately thought of Namjoon, and then Jungkook, and Jimin ... eventually I thought of all members and realised that I liked each member for different reasons and I couldn't choose one. Further research would eventually teach me that meant I was 0T7.

On my way back from my Xmas break I decided that I would stop associating with X and just move on with life. On my journey back home we were told we had to be Lockdown again, which really depressed me, but as if it was second nature, I played Life Goes On and tried to think of any positive thing. So I got back home wanting to watch more BTS reactions, while listening to BTS and wondering what Jin was doing. And from that moment on for a good month I’d go into my still empty office but this time knowing we could start calling back at least 2 of my colleagues, which made me so ecstatic sit down with my coffee and say “Alexa, play BTS” and Alexa would reply “Shuffling songs from BTS” and ALWAYS the playlist would start with a familiar whistle …

And the rest is history 😜.

So who is BTS? They are the 7 boys that came to my rescue when I felt heartbroken. The 7 boys that had so much skill and love to share with the world and wanted for me to join and not be left out. They are the boys that never pressured me into needing to like them, but somehow were always there when I unknowingly needed them. They are the 7 boys who reminded me that it was okay to not be okay and just go with the flow of things, even if it is against the flow of all. They are the 7 boys that keep trusting us with their everything and all they ask in return, if possible, is to be there, at end of this gigantic rainbow. And that is exactly where I plan to be. I am so grateful for all 7 of you and words could never describe how much I love you.

HAPPY 10TH ANNIVERSARY MY RAINBOW AVENGERS.

Always incredible respectfully yours,

Marengo.