#i don't even know what to do so i just ruminate over this constantly now and feel awful and depressed

[caffeinatedopossum]

Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.

[blackbeardsemophase]

.

[vesora]

is it a real problem or are you trapped in your mind?

this one goes to my anxious girlies

the past few weeks I've been extremely trapped in my mind, ruminating whether someone would backstab me or whether a friend would leave me and of course there is no evidence of that in real life, it's all in mind. that being said, deep down i know that nothing would happen and im sure deep down you all know as well that nothing would happen. but the what ifs are so strong that you can't handle yourself practising the law.

this doesn't mean you can't manifest during this time, we always manifest, just now you can consciously manifest things you want. e.g. I wanted a psychic message from someone and I received it; I got money when I needed it; I never wait for public transport even if the app shows that it is coming in like 30 minutes (because we don't pay attention to 3d). I've noticed my anxious and extremely intrusive thoughts never manifest, especially after learning the law so I don't want you to be scared of your own mind. You, as the supreme being and consciousness ARE your mind but your mind is not you. In the grand scheme of things, the mind is unreal so what would the "3d" listen to? Some jumble of anxious fearful thoughts that do not exist except from when you aware of it or the command of God themselves?

all in your (unreal) mind:

don't punish yourself, stop harming yourself by trapping yourselves in your mind. simply drop the thought. if you find that hard, you can work on it by eliminating the possibilities but from experience, that still never makes the fear go away. the fear is so primal, so noticeable that the only way it feels it can go away for me is if I end everything and thats not good right? why would God be a victim to her character's thoughts? Why wouldn't God just change the garment?

The hardest thing is to just ACCEPT. "Just accept you have it" was the hardest thing for me to apply because soras entire life was just finding every possible solution for the worst case scenario in case people hurt her or I am seen in a way that doesn't represent her (aka being misunderstood). See how i am using her and sora to describe things I experienced? It's because I have the POWER to completely eradicate any trauma or any pain by just choosing to adorn myself in another state. I am not sora but sora is me, therefore I have control over soras experiences. You are not a victim to your circumstance, when you find the law you have the power to create your own life, you create new circumstances by adopting a new version of yourself. You are in control no matter what the unreal mind says.

breathe in, breathe out:

Excuse my language but honestly fuck the mind???? It only knows what it has learned from its surroundings and you are above the surroundings so why would you listen to such a limited thing?

Do you think if you dismiss the thoughts you won't be prepared for what you think is about to come? Do you feel you constantly have to be on defense mode protecting yourself either from physical or emotional harm?

I understand, I was the same way and sometimes I still revert back to it. However the thing is, who is creating whats about to come? YOU ARE! Don't you get it? Nothing can happen without your consent (once you accept your power of course). You are not a victim to circumstances. You are never the receiver, you are always the creator. Bask yourself in lovely states with lovely thoughts. It is okay if you do not believe it or if your body is resisting it, just please persevere. We can't let anxiety win. What is anxiety to a God?

our negative beliefs falling after we disown them:

Read this by Edward Art

[talktolwt]

I would like to focus on the music chosen for Hob Gadling's 80s sequence.

I'm extremely late to the world of The Sandman (finally binged it two weeks ago after my mother had been begging me to watch it with her and now I'm more obsessed than her) Bottom line: I'm unbelievably glad I finally watched this beautiful piece of television.

I have yet to read the comics but as for the first season, I have to say, without a doubt, my favorite episode is Chapter 6: The Sound of Her Wings. Death's 20-min segment is a beauty unto itself, but I'll be focusing on Hob's segment today. Specifically, his 80s scenes.

Considering I'm so late to this fandom and exploring all of its wondrous details and themes, excuse me if this has already been noted. I've been thinking about these details over and over but I need to get it out there in the Sandman world and hear everyone else's thoughts.

*Also excuse the terrible photos - Netflix doesn't let you screenshot and I was too lazy to get another app to let me bypass it. Please bear with my photos of my laptop screen.*

There are three songs that play throughout this sequence.

#1 - "She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals

I accidentally deleted half my post mid-writing this but here I go again.

As we can see, after the breakup scene, we open up on Hob Gadling (he looks amazing in his 80s look, by the way) and this song plays.

Here are the lyrics:

I mean - where do I even start LMAO.

*Let me just give another note - regardless if you ship Dreamling romantically or not, I will be merely analyzing these lyrics as they are and how they convey Hob's feelings for Dream in general. But, I mean, the songs are THERE, the text is THERE. So do with that what you will.*

This will go for the following two songs as well, but these songs are placed with meaningful intention. Each of these offer a unique lens and dive into Hob's feelings.

I won't be annoying and over-explain anything, but the lyrics are clear I feel:

"She drives me crazy" - cough

"Things you do don't seem real" - in Hob's view, Dream literally is an enigma. Hob has no idea the capacities, the limits, and even the name of this being he meets every century.

"This waiting 'round's killing me" - well.

"Everything you say is lies" - now I wouldn't say particularly lies, but Dream does keep and omit things from Hob. Understandably, Hob would find himself in a confused limbo with Dream.

Here's the kicker:

"I won't make it on my own/No one likes to be alone." - HELLO. I mean, if this isn't the core message and pinnacle of Dream and Hob's lesson to immortality.

As Death mentions earlier in the episode, around 18:10, "Most of us will be glad for the company of a friend."

I feel I could go on forever and ever about the beauty of this episode and how well The Sound of Her Wings and Men of Good Fortune intertwine. They beautifully complement each other as stories lamenting the dichotomy of life and death, and the joys of humanity.

But essentially, Death reteaches Dream how beautiful humans can truly be, and in this pivotal moment, she says this zinger of a line. The camera was initially on Death but for THIS line, it cuts to Dream.

BECAUSE - poor Dream is definitely in need a friend.

Which is then shown to the audience by the 30-min long Hob Gadling sequence that ensues, and we see Dream's aversion to needing someone, to needing a friend.

But I digress - back to the song, and that one line about not wanting to be alone.

That is such a poignant line, because as much as Dream felt alone and needed company, so does Hob? An immortal, constantly seeing the death of others around him, his companions and family long gone, he needs someone.

Considering this 80s sequence ruminates so heavily on post-breakup feelings, Hob is missing Dream dearly. His constant in life.

I'm rambling too much, onto the next one!

#2 - "Shattered Dreams" by Johnny Hates Jazz

Time skip to perhaps a few hours later, who knows. We see Hob still waiting for Dream, alone in the pub.

Hm.

Literally what else could I say. I'm being slapped in the face with pining and angst and longing.

Here are the lyrics:

Some noteworthy lyrics:

"So much for your promises/They died the day you let me go" - this breakup man

"Caught up in a web of lies" - another lie motif

"I thought it was you/Who would stand by my side" - the theme of Dream and Hob being constants in each other's lives

"Shattered dreams" - I could scream. The title of the song. SHATTERED. DREAMS. giggling rn.

"Woke up to reality" - I think that's a very interesting line toeing between the constant references of the Waking and the Dreaming

Basically, I've been noting these evident similarities within the songs to align themselves to Dream and Hob's situation, and it's clear that the director/writers chose these songs with intent of it paralleling Dreamling.

So that makes it even more insane when lines like "From this empty heart" are meant to parallel Hob. Like.

Okay, last song.

#3 - "Keep On Moving" by Soul II Soul

This song plays as the night progresses. It's late, it's clear Dream isn't showing up, and Hob is feeling pretty final about that, and perhaps he's accepted it at this point. Dream isn't coming.

So this is where he speaks to the bartender and that scene ensues.

Here are the lyrics:

The themes of time and clocks are super prevalent within this song, and again it's once more clear how heavily this reflects and represents Hob.

Noteworthy lyrics:

"Why do people choose to live their lives this way?" - I think this also uniquely touches on the general aspect of humanity and one's reason to live/love life. Dream battles with his confusion/slight disappointment for humanity at the beginning, as he asks Death, "Why would any sensible creature crave an eternity of this?" And then Hob helps Dream realize why there's so much to live for. (24:30)

"I know the time will come today/The time will come one day"

"Walking alone in my own way" - Again this idea of walking alone and needing company.

"You'll be in my life, my life always" - Dream and Hob being constants again.

This all goes to say - Hob cares. He cares for Dream.

And I just think that's very beautiful. The magnitude with which Dream's absence means to him and how much their friendship/companionship both means to each of them. I just think their connection is a beautiful thing that I love seeing and rewatching. Wonderfully, these songs give the audience even more layered insight into this connection.

This was super long, and I apologize if I went on some tangents. But I also just couldn't help it, The Sandman is so incredibly rich in its storytelling and its connections and dynamics that I had to write this all down. I also just very much appreciate the amount of care and detail that goes into every aspect of television, and needle drops such as these three songs are no exception.

Thank you for sticking with me through this! Can't wait for season 2!

[skaldish]

hey, I recently had to interact with an evangelical family member on thanksgiving (as in, I calmly listened and explained "my views and values differ from yours, but I appreciate you sharing your world view with me" while I was aggressively proselytized at for well over an hour; even by evangelical standards, this family member is aggressive about pushing his beliefs onto others).

I was raised atheist and don't usually have an issue with this; I don't believe in hell or divine punishment, but things he said keep popping into my head (like being called "the definition of being lost" for saying im agnostic— which is a half truth but he wouldn't be receptive to a full explanation). I'm tacking this down to a combination of evangelical thought poison and my anxiety disorder related habit of ruminating (which thankfully I'm working with a therapist on now).

I know you're passionate about the subject of cult thought and the likes and just wanted to know if you had any advice or thoughts re: getting cult thinking that doesn't align with your views or values to kindly edit your headspace.

hope you're well 💚

Apologetics. It's something every Evangelical learns, and it's a form of mind-control. They engage nonbelievers in religious debate and use it to covertly indoctrinate them.

Evangelicals spend years learning how to counter every argument, direct conversations towards specific points, compromise our mental reasoning through various means, and inject their logic into the vulnerable mind, which then festers on its own.

Apologetics is a masterstroke of manipulation, and one of the very few things I consider evil.

My best friend is ex-Evangelical and well-versed in Apologetics. A while back, they gave me an example of how it works (with my consent of course).

Now, I'm extremely good at entertaining ideas without adopting them. It's a skill I deliberately and constantly wield, almost subconsciously at this point.

There's no way I could do it. The more you think it over, the deeper it digs into your brain. All an Evangelical has to do is feed you enough information and your own thoughts will do the work from there.

My friend wasn't even simulating an actual instance of proselytizing; they framed things within the context of, "This is what they'd say." And yet I could literally feel my mind tunnel at the logic, burrowing its way deeper every time I thought, "But what if...?"

I did throw it, though. The way I shook it off was Occam's Razor: "Simpler explanations are more likely to be correct."

Evangelical philosophy is too complex to be statistically probable compared to other frameworks. It even compensates for this by portraying itself as the only safe bet in a high-stakes game. But the reason we find it so compelling is because it makes us fear for our survival. It's the same fear we get when we hear rustling in the bushes when there's a predator around...only this time the tiger is something we can't know. Regardless, our lizard-brains will always take a false positive over a false negative in those situations, and will try to do so if it succumbs to the existential dread. This evil, perfect storm is what drives people to convert.

I've seen many forms of mental manipulation, but Apologetics is a weapon unlike any other.

So here's my advice to you and everyone else:

When it comes to the Evangelical debate game, the only winning move is not to play.

Do everything you can do avoid the topic of religion in conversation, and make a concentrated effort to give it as little breathing room as possible. Bring up a different topic. Say "no thanks" and move on. Ask questions about secular things. Ignore the religious content peppered within statements. Be cordial, but never ever let up on that boundary.

I don't know your relative, but I do know Evangelicals never respond well when denied a platform. They may try to persuade, provoke, trick, or guilt you into giving it to them, so be prepared to hold your ground if you have to interact with them. If all else fails, excuse yourself from the conversation.

Remember: It's not rude to hold a boundary. Don't let anyone convince you that it is.

[hxhhasmysoul]

Just found this in twitter, so cool :

"Sukuna about Yuji: “Our souls lived in the same body. I know that this kid, no matter how many times his soul brakes, he'll always come back. He wields an invincible soul” #JJKSpoilers #JJK248"

Thoughts (as SukuIta shipper & non shipper glasses)?

I don't know if my shipper opinion differs much from the non shipper one.

I've been talking about how unique Yuuji's soul is for a long time now. And the story has always acknowledged it. The concept of the soul, what it is, what it can do, how it relates to jujutsu, is one of the recurring issues heavily discussed in universe. All major antagonists mention it. Those who understand the shape of their soul like Mahito or Sukuna are extremely powerful. Sukuna's soul is stronger than Mahito's so he isn't affected by Mahito's touch, he tells Mahito off for trying to touch is soul and easily hurts Mahito when the curse displeases him.

However Sukuna is stuck in Yuuji. In normal circumstances he can't take over, and if Yuuji stayed protected, unharmed and ignorant to the horrors of the world, aka if his soul didn't get damaged physically or emotionally, and he would've been fed the fingers gradually, he would've been able to keep Sukuna as a prisoner for ever.

In the fanbook, Gege said, that if Yuuji consumed a weaker cursed object than Sukuna's fingers, he'd've likely completely absorbed it. This both shows how potent his soul is and how strong is Sukuna's that he survives a prison like that intact. It's curious whether Yuuji would've started to absorb him too in this scenario where he would've lived a relatively peaceful life just consuming the fingers from time to time.

And what Sukuna says here hints that maybe he would've succumbed. Yuuji's soul is extremely strong. Now, on the outside, Sukuna can try and destroy Yuuji. But if he were still stuck inside? Stuck indefinitely with no prospect of getting out?

Yuuji impresses Sukuna, probably has for a while now but Sukuna did everything not to admit that. But the frustration that is Yuuji to him has bean peeking through. The insults, the condescension, the very poorly performed fake indifference? Being stuck in Yuuji he learned of power, of strength that he likely hadn't considered before. Hadn't truly encountered or seen up close. And he'd been testing the boundaries of Yuuji's strength from the beginning by constantly bullying him. Unsuccessfully.

When Sukuna ponders Higuruma's death and as a result his thoughts stray to Yuuji, it's no accident that he is reminded of Jougo.

It's when we see Sukuna be affected by someone with goals, with ideals. He's been long enough in Yuuji to start to see them as valuable even though he doesn't understand that yet, he doesn't get why he talked with Jougo during the curse's death.

He even genuinely asks Yuuji about this. In his fights he's Usually toothy grins and condescending smirks, in this fight he's also mostly that. But here he stops and asks. He looks pensive, curious.

In chapter 248, in his ruminations on Yuuji, he finally puts it together. And takes it personally, he actually starts caring about something even if that something is killing Yuuji. Yuuji interests him on a personal level, and no one else has.

This next part is very subjective, because it's honestly about how you personally read the panels, and they are small and not very detailed. And the way I see them may be coloured by my shipper bias.

But I think he's shown fondness of Yuuji in their fight after he took over Megumi's body.

To me his face here shows that he's satisfied with Yuuji's answer to his question. Because of how his brows and eyes are drawn, his face feels soft, like this is a smile, not a smirk.

Again the line of his brows is soft. He says it's hilarious but here he doesn't look amused to me, more pleased. So this line and the next one feel like excuses. Like he doesn't want Yuuji to die because he hasn't figured Yuuji out yet, and Sukuna is a huge nerd, he likes to know.

[womenstruation]

one of the best things i ever did to help get rid of most of my body dysphoria and dysmorphia was to work at a summer camp for girls.

Growing up fat, I always had body issues. I was the fattest girl in class, the biggest baby on the delivery ward, I had to wear boring adult clothes while everyone else didn't. When I hit puberty and I lost weight, the compliments were endless so of course I started starving myself. Puberty also brought with it breasts and I hated that. I started puberty early, by nine I was wearing bras and it was just another thing that made me different.

at sixteen, I was a proud vegan aka I loved having an acceptable reason not to eat. I also started boarding at a mixed sex, white majority sixth form-it was hell. I was no longer the teachers pet but now part of the "gang" of Black girls. It was such whiplash going from an environment where we were just girls to one where boys in class had a discord for ranking girls by race and exchanging stolen nudes.

My hatred for being a girl only grew. I would say to myself, if only I was male, I could fit in, I'll be the one rating girls and all the other boys would be falling over themselves to get street cred for having a Black friend. I started wearing a binder but I was too scared to tell my friends- I was afraid they'll think I was trying to steal their thunder by identifying as trans too.

I got into university, fell out with my friends and had a very underwhelming first year. But i randomly saw an ad for a summer camp and applied. That summer was one of the best of my life, it was as if my body had been longing for an all female environment, I felt at peace. I still struggled with all my body issues but I didn't have time to think and ruminate like before.

I also was surrounded by so many different types of women. So many of the co-workers i became friends with shared my experience, I didn't feel so alone anymore. One of them was so like me, it was scary, we were even born a day apart. Then I began to think, if my experience is so common, why does it make me somehow not a woman, why did I feel like a supposed failure to be a "woman" meant I had to identify as non binary or something else.

I got more into feminism and began to stop fixating on my body, on who I was. I stopped seeing myself as separate from my "flesh sack" , stopped seeing things to correct. I grew more secure in my homosexuality, it didn't seem that "queer" or even interesting when most of my middle aged "boring" bosses at camp were women married to women.

I still do find it difficult at times however. It's hard when I'm surrounded by so many women constantly chasing their next diet (my mum is a tummy tuck ambassador lol) and being from a culture where it's normal to point out how much weight someone has lost or gained. It's also hard to still struggle with what being a lesbian is, especially as more and more lesbians I know are now some flavour of trans, and see me as the enemy. But i'm getting better everyday, I don't think little me ever imagined that I would ever stop longing to change every part of myself.

[requiemsystem]

A few days ago, I was reading someone's stories about DID. They described having alters, or voices in their head (I can't quite remember their exact wording, or even if they said voices; all I remember is I resonated with it and began to wonder if I had OSDD/DID).

I felt like a huge faker immediately. My only real exposure with it had been with the Fake Disorder Cringe comps on YouTube (such shit, god). I realized that every time I'd broken down in suicidal hysteria, attempts, the 9-1-1 phone call, etc., it was an alter. I named her Em, or Emily; it just felt right.

For context, I am in a constant dissociated state from still being stuck in an abusive environment. My memory is not divided in terms of small events and things such as clubs, schools, friendships, etc--rather, it's divided in terms of trauma and pain. January was specific. My week at the hospital was specific. February and March are specific. End of March, April, May, June, are specific.

I can recall the feelings of depression and suicidality in the months before Mid June to Now, but Mid June to Now was marked by anorexia and recovery, etc. There are no other memories than anorexia/things related to it, and my abusive friendship which triggered the eating disorder. There was also a suicide attempt (three, but I don't count two. Why don't I count two? Because they are hanging attempts, and I have tried to hang myself so many times that they do not count in my brain. Asshole shit, I know)

But you see, I cannot remember other things unless I dig deep in my brain or look at photos from that time.

Another thing is, I have only been able to piece together a timeline of my trauma and memories from the very huge fixations (which kept me alive; magical thinking) I was obsessed with at the time, and also random ass conversations I remembered. There are only two to five of these conversations--and in (nearly) all of them I am watching myself from afar, like in a movie. Other times, a traumatic memory will pop up and I'll force an age out. Ten, eleven, twelve; the memories from when I was a preteen are so fucking mixed up and weird. I only remember the trauma, not what happened elsewhere.

I do have some other memories of events which I thought about a lot, but if I hadn't constantly thought about those at the time they would've disposed of themselves. Things do that now, I have no capacity to ruminate as I used to so they slip away silently into the void.

Honestly, nothing feels real; I am always watching myself from afar, and things are wishy-washy, blurry, and other people are floaty. Even the feeling of lust, which is very prominent for those my age, seems horribly muted and dissolved into a weak "meh" most of the time. People around me talk about this and that, etc etc, but the only time it was ever really prominent was when I was younger and punished myself with extreme feelings of guilt over it, or when I decided to starve myself of it and then use it to cope during Late March to June. I do think that it is more muted from psychological religious abuse about how I was a horrible dirty person because of it definitely muted it to ten percent of those like my peers, but there's not much I can do about it other than shrug.

My memory is basically that of a traumatized Wattpad OC. I am the equivalent of a twelve year old's angsty emotions coming out through a character (I was that twelve year old once, believe me the hell I put my characters through was...yikes) and goddamn it is nothing like the movies. It's always been painful, sharp, like reopening a painful scar; nothing like the tragically pretty depressed skinny girlypop with white skin and haunting blue eyes, so I never thought I could be depressed until I was like yeah shit I actively want to kill myself ://

I wish I could describe it better, but the one word that sticks in my mind is floaty, senseless, blurry, wishy-washy, soapy, etc. I don't have the vocabulary and trauma knowledge now to fully realize my own state, nor do I have the capability to realize how painful the memories are. To do that, I would need a permanently safe space to process them; and you can't really do that while hiding your every move and thought from your mother who merely views you as an identical doll who is an extension of her.

There are a few years until I'll be able to escape, and I'm also coping with the fact that the city I built up in my head (Seattle) has been exposed as it truly is with the case of a police offer murdering an immigrant woman from my country.

I still don't know what to do with these feelings; I want to scream and rip out my guts but I am too dissociated now to truly feel it. This is where Em comes in, she holds all of the pain and memories and raw knowledge of what I'm going through so I can function throughout the day.

I used to think of her as a voice in my head, the suicidal one. The one who would spam me with relentless thoughts of "I don't want to live anymore I want to die get me out of here I hate them I hate this I can't do this anymore life sucks please kill me please please please," and her feelings are so horribly overwhelming the only solution is to shove her shards back into my chest and dissociate again.

I think Em is the only one aware of the true horrors of my life. Usually, when I tell people things, they gasp and recoil in shock; avoiding me afterwards actually.

She is 5-7 years old--a child. She is eternally stuck in 2014-2015, and will absolutely fucking flip if you try to bring her into another year. I think this is because this is the age when the horrifying suicidal thoughts and internalized racism, facial dysmorphia started.

Last night I was trying to process one of my very first traumatic incidents (I was found watching videos of people vomiting at four years old. I was beaten mercilessly while screaming, crying, and begging to stop. These videos were allowed by my mother (the one who beat me) and she even joked about letting me watch them. I am not sure why she flipped out here; I think it's because she clicked on a video herself and disliked it immensely) and I decided to bring Em out. This incident happened in 2012-2013, and she screamed.

It felt as if someone was stabbing dull knives into my chest and stomach, and I could hear her sobs coming from inside me. She begged me so much, please don't make me go back, that's too far, I want 2014 not 2012, this hurts please; so I stopped focusing on the memory and instead tried to fall asleep (it was nighttime).

I'm not a very verbal person; I get teased because of my american accent, so I try not to speak as much as I can. But while Em was there, she made a noise; not even a word, just a noise of torture, and I could tell it was torturous and cruel to make her suffer like that. There is a reason why traumatic memories are distant and tethered off in my head, and forcing her to relive the shit that is a core part of her identity was obviously very stressful.

Whenever something reminds me of the trauma (yesterday it was a video talking about a father regretting not giving his car to his son, prompting me to remember my dreams about getting my license and my dad teaching me to drive--then, when he saw me for the person I truly was, telling me that he'd never even let me borrow his car to learn driving on and I'd never get my license unless it was on my own terms) she comes out--even right now I felt her stabbing through my chest, apparently just describing the trauma (which was a conversation from some of the most traumatic and emotionally terrorizing few weeks) prompts her to come out. I often forcefully shove her down, returning back to my state of dissociation, because (due to my environment) it isn't safe to have someone as vulnerable as Em out and there. She absorbs trauma like a sponge; any minor thing said to her will cause painful suicidal ideation. She told me, "you don't know what it's like holding all of these things in, [my name]. i have to keep everything in a nice little bag for you, [while you do nothing]." The last part in brackets wasn't said outloud to me, but certainly understood. She knows everything I do, even the fact that I'm writing this right now and use her as a dump for any and all unpleasant feelings, and obviously doesn't like it (who would?).

Unrelated to her, I've always thought I had different voices in my head, and thought I was a "quirky weirdo" for that. I've only now realized that most people don't have two to three separate chains of reason in their head which argue with each other, take hold of my brain, then leave once their job is done.

I suspect I have another alter, I always called them Caroline because during periods of extreme stress and fear they'd tell me exactly what I needed to do to avoid punishment and abuse. They'd help me check for bloody tissues (sh) and tell me how to hide them; advise me on when to wash my hands after cleaning up; invent lies for me; and even help internally defend me against people who hurt me. They'd leave as quickly as they came, but it was always like a special, energy-filled person was there who knew exactly what to do. Even now, they will talk to me.

And they don't even really come out in periods of deep distress either--a lot of times, they will just randomly come in and..."take over me," I guess, because I will act incredibly different and usually when I am back to my "normal" self I will realize that I was incredibly different right then.

I've been struggling so much with denial and feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred, guilt, etc etc etc feeling of being invalid and faking it.

What do you think this could be? I was thinking of maybe OSDD-1 (B) but I just really need to hear a third party's thoughts. I posted this on my main blog too, but yeah.

i want to tell you that i took several days to think of how to reply to this, i still am not sure what the best response will be i cannot tell you if you have OSDD or not. i am not qualified to diagnose you. if you are looking for someone to tell you "yes, this sounds like OSDD and you are a system", then im not that person. what i will say is that what you are describing sounds incredibly difficult to navigate and i am sorry you are experiencing this i will also say, as someone who deals with a lot of denial, faking is a conscious decision. if you did not consciously choose to fake a disorder, you are not faking it. it is possible to be wrong and mistaken, but thats very different from intentional faking if you havent already, maybe try making some form of contact with these suspected alters and see if they reach out. thats where we started, and just talking to eachother was helpful in figuring things out i wish you luck, and if you have any further questions, feel free to send more asks or DM us! - grey

[thedawningofthehour]

Hi!! Yes, hello, I cried again, thank you for that. Even though you said we „shouldn’t expect too much“, my heart is still very much cracked haha

ANYWAY, since the guessing game is still on, I was thinking a lot during this chapter. My guess is, either Raph has a really stupid idea that he‘s thinking through right now and that‘s why he‘s been so quiet OR smth happens to the Hueso place and he like sacrifices himself to get his family to escape like idk maybe EPF or smth knocks at the door and he holds them off

And so I was wondering if you could tell us when this stupid thing is gonna happen, I have a feeling it might be like the book 2 finale or somewhere close to that??

ALSO, I was wondering how you organise your chapters and the plot you write about. Do you have like a pinboard and put the NYC map on it and connect the dots with red yarn? (Detective style) or do you use some program or are just…weird and memorise it all?

Maybe he hasn't actually had the stupid idea yet, but he's definitely ruminating on everything that eventually compels him to make that decision.

The stupid thing will be a direct consequence of the final climax, so it'll be coming up here soon. I'm going to put up a poll probably after the next chapter.

I'm giddy that we're getting there, honestly. There's a foreshadow I put in literally in the single-digit chapters of Book 1 and when I wrote that I couldn't imagine actually getting to that point. I always feel like I'm going to die or something before I finish stuff, like, I was shocked when I finished doth.

Oh my goooood I am so terrible about plotting and outlines and stuff. I always, always feel like I'm in elementary school filling out a worksheet. I am basically this guy

except there is no paper because I haven't written anything down I'm just sleep deprived and rambling and smoking copious amounts of weed. (I have never smoked weed)

I know generally how the plots go, and as chapters draw closer I start thinking more specifically about where parts should go and where they would fit best. The whole war kick-off thing, that originally was going to happen after the third reverse-kidnapping, (the mall with the mercenaries one) but Gale and Mikey were still having their library trips, and that just seemed like an...awkward thing to have hanging over them. And it just didn't have to be. I could have cut that arc short, delayed the third reverse-kidnapping until after after the library meetings were discovered, or I could push off the war. And the war didn't need to happen then-if anything, it complicated the other plot points that needed to happen. And I think it worked out for the better this way.

I'm not totally satisfied with this method though. When I was writing Book 1, I had probably about half the fic written before I started posting-it was all in one document, Donnie's scenes were all together and Leo's scenes were in some incomprehensible order and often unfinished because I wasn't expecting to post anything and would just stop when I felt like it, when I finally committed to putting it to order I think I had like eight documents open at one point and three different highlighter colors to denote what I'd done in the master document, it was an ORDEAL-but it meant that I could group scenes together based on what was most effective, move things around very easily. The fact that Leo and Donnie's chapters were pointedly not happening at the same time helped a lot too. In Book 2, I end up writing with two, maybe three chapters planned ahead in my brain, and I feel like that forces me to sometimes rely on short-term climaxes that add to the word count but don't really do much for the story overall, or put off certain things that I don't particularly feel like writing at the time or don't know would work there. Book 2 would probably be significantly shorter if I'd plotted it out the way I did Book 1.

...What were we talking about? Oh! I do actually have a map of NYC open pretty much constantly in my fic window, it probably shows when they were driving around last chapter that I was literally going along the border with my pointer finger. But I'm terrible and I don't write any of this shit down. I usually remember, but there have been occasions where I've completely forgotten what I was going to do, and I think it was chapter 32 where I had pretty much finished the rest of the chapter and then realized I'd forgotten the final Leo scene-which was a pretty major scene. So I guess...yeah, weird and memorize sounds correct, but I don't actually do it that well.

[thefanboyhub]

Que the random KOTLC HeadCannons again because I fucking can hoe.

Sophie still wear human shoes, so does Dex because he bonds with his mom dealing with human stuff. Keefe also prefers the style of them so he got custom made elf shoes that looks like human shoes.

KOTLC elves religion is the stars. I saw someone (I forgot who I'm sorry pookie) talk about that and I now accept that. On the flip side, Orgrs and Gnomes religion is nature. Hilarious because they "worship" it differently. Goblins religion isn't a thing but the concept of honor and pride. Trolls worship battle and intelligence. I hope this shit makes sense lol.

If Marella was in the human world she'd be addicted to vapes. I don't make the rules man.

Fitz, Dex, and the Twins have built a tolerance and became accustomed to violence and things that would shatter a normal elf's mind because they were exposed to it at a young age. Dex was through human movies/documentaries/books, Fitz from looking for Sophie, and the Twins because y'know their whole shtick.

Tam is asexual and homoromantic. Linh is lesbian. No further questions.

Fitz is Bi-Curious. No further explanation.

Dex is pan. He doesn't know it yet but he is.

Keefe is a bi king.

Keefe tried to have a hair dye phase but was quickly punished for it so yeah.

Bianna had purple hair at one point. She made Fitz have a purple streak in his hair too and that got him even more fangirls.

Fitz didn't know he was dating people ever. Like all the relationships hes been in were one sided and it was the delulu chick. He was clueless. So he was often confused when girls would randomly tell him it's over. Mans be like "?????"

Keefe would flirt but deny anyone the chance of dating him. He feels bad about it though cuz he could get the smallest wiff of their soul crushing and he hated doing it but he had to.

Dex knows how to sew. He's really good at anything to due with creation honestly. He's really handy to have around Ong.

Dex also thinks the weirdest creatures are cute. Mans will look at the ugliest weirdest thing and be like "Awhhh who's da baby!?"

Dex suffers from panic attacks, even before the whole getting kidnapped shit. He has GAD.

On the topic of disorders, there are therapists in the lost cities but uh. There isn't many. Mostly because the world is "perfect" so they don't see the need for it but there are a good handful to fit in one building.

Elves minds don't actually shatter from guilt per say but trauma and rumination. Something that fucked you up mentally? You constantly think about it? BAM GUILT!!! The better you are at coping, the less likely you are to shatter. Not only that but the younger you are when exposed to guilt shattering things the less you will shatter. (Based on my observations of KOTLC)

I ignore the whole Grady being blond thing. He's black hear girly.

After everything with Fitz, Keefe sees Ro as his best friend. He'll never tell her or anyone that but that's what he feels and thinks.

Fitz hates himself. A lot. He doesn't think he does but he also doesn't know that being self critical to the point of getting angry when his image is fucked up isn't normal.

Bianna doesn't hate herself but is more scared of how she's perceived. She thinks she's fine, mostly because Della and Alavar(mostly him) made sure to give her a lot of positive about herself. But people use to point out things about her that didn't live up to the Vacker name or just made her "weird" so she basically said fine I'll fit in a little bit lol.

Keefe has thought about yeeting himself before. Only briefly, never too long or in detail. He just wondered if the world would be any different if he didn't exist. Would anyone even notice he was gone? Probably not. I mean his family thinks he's a fuck up and most of his teachers only see him as a smart ass punk. The only time he even thought of a plan to kill himself though was when Sophie "died". The only reason he didn't was because a small gut feeling told him something didn't add up. That she was still there. They could still save her, and Dex. He was so grateful for the feeling when he found them both.

Dex use to have a habit of self harm. Not cutting no. He would bite, scratch, anything to cause pain when he was frustrated or upset. He was bullied a lot as a kid and constantly dealt with jerks in the store treating his family wrong. His mom got him out of it though. Now he just scratches himself when he's frustrated. He tries not to do it in public.

The twins have eaten meat before. They gotta do anything to survive before the gnomes found them. Linh cried every time though. Tam just felt a little sad but hey his sister was fed so he couldn't be happier.

Elwin in the best doctor in the lost cities. But he hates publicity and doesn't want to be stuck with snobs and rather deal with kids since he doesn't plan on having any children himself. (He's also gay and knows it but he is terrified of the backlash and whatever else that would happen to him if he came out.)

Stina has a hatred for most nobels, no on but one of her ex friends knows this though. Stina genuinely can't stand them, mostly because of how they would treat her dad and such. But she's a great actor. (ILY bbg)

Okay don't be mean to me but I forgot Dex's mom's name but she miscarried before having Dex. It's rare for that to happen to elves so it just added to her trauma and stuff. Her name is like Juliana or smt I know it. Fuck what's her name. Ugh. Curse you shit memory man.

Bronte use to be a lot more happy and loving, even had a girlfriend for a really long time. She was one of the few elves that have died in the many years the world has exited. That's what caused his shift in goals. He also sees parts of him and her in Sophie and that's what makes him not like her very much cuz she kind of looks like a child he could have had.

Bronte also had a thing for Fintan before the girl. He's bi. Fuck off.

Bronte is also emo/goth. The OG icon frfr.

Oralie use to be a very mean person because feeling everyone emotions even without touching them (even if the small waft of emotions isn't that intense) really upset her. She is one of the few people who got therapy and then she found out she wanted to change the world so she worked towards being a council member.

After and elf turns like 29 people don't really question the age gap of the relationship. Anything younger dating someone like hundreds of years older turns heads but people keep their opinions to themselves.

Weddings are like a fashion show to elves. Everyone, not just the bride, show up glammed ASF. Is a huge party event.

Some families do celebrate birthdays, but only by tens. You're born! Birthday party. You're ten years old? Birthday party! ECT. This is considered very old fashioned and traditional.

Most of the young adult elves live in Atlantis.

Oh and the other school in the lost cities are for those who don't plan on nobility or want to achieve a specific profession that isn't ability related. They do most of the stuff Foxfire does but instead of one on one teaching it's a small group of ten or five being taught at once, grouped based on abilities. They aren't very popular which makes them really easy to manage and stuff.

There are only a handful of ancients that still keep up with the world and ECT. They choose isolation because of the dark things they've seen and how long it has been. They are kind of.... Cooky. Lil crazy. Bonkers if you will.

The shades of blue can get really close to green and purple, even some lighting makes them look like that.

Intersex elves happen rarely but when they do they are asked what they wish to identify as when they are ten and will go in as that for the rest of their lives. Out of all of the elves population, twenty intersex people exist. Five of them are ancients and two are still not old enough to choose their identity yet.

It's not unheard of for every distant cousins to get married. (They gotta be like 6 times removed tho.)

Tis all. Ty. Bye bye now.

[spacelessbian]

Good Omens S2: review-ish

I saw Good Omens and I honestly don't know what to think. Spoilers ahead. These are my first thoughts and I'm writing it immediately after finishing episode 6, so I will ruminate some more but I wanted to get my thoughts out right now, as some sort of brainstorming.

I am bummed to say that I did not enjoy this new story as much as I enjoyed season 1. Now obviously there is a huuuge difference in watching an adaptation of a story you know well and already love and watching an entirely new thing. But still.

When it comes to the overal plot I did enjoy the Gabriel mystery, at least for about half of the season. It lost steam around the middle and the ending of it... I'm sorry, I do not buy Gabriel falling in love with anyone for one second. Maybe if it wasn't shown in one big info dump and there was time to explore his connection with Beelzebub, I would have enjoyed it better. But Gabriel was such a brilliant asshole in season 1. Amazing even. I loved to hate him and this turnaround did not work for me at all. The fact that I didn't connect with the new actress in the role of Beelzebub probably did not help (obviously I have nothing against the actress personally, she was not bad). So this storyline ended in a disappointment for me. I also cringed a bit ngl. (important to note: I have previously read fanfics for Gabriel/Beelzebub and liked them, so it is not just about this pairing in itself).

Aziraphale and Crowley on the other hand, I enjoyed very much. The whole season is basically a love story, an explicit one this time. Part of me thought - I will admit - that Neil Gaiman just wanted to stop the constant barrage of fans demanding explicit gay sex on screen, but okay, I'll allow it, it was sweet (until it wasn't, then it was heart-wrenching). Both David Tennant and Michael Sheen are in absolute top form and I loved every second of them doing stuff.

The little (and not so little) scenes (or mini episodes) were interesting and fun to watch, the Job story was especially really good. I did not expect to see Crowley as an angel, he was so sweet building nebulas. I could have done without the zombie Nazis... Maybe someone will explain to me why it was necessary to basically stop the story for it, I did not understand it while watching. I expected them to pop up later or something... But no, they are just zombie Nazis. I liked the processing sequence in Hell of that episode, though, it looked very cool and fun, especially the... firewarmer (???).

That brings me to Miranda Richardson. God, I've had a crush on her for about fifteen years now and Shax definitely did not stop that. I loved her so much! She looked fantastic, her dialogue was great and I liked her dynamic with Crowley. I don't understand why would she be offered a position of Duke of Hell, seeing she fucked up everything she was assigned to do, but I can excuse that detail. I hope we see a lot of her in season 3 (which we must get!).

My other gay crush, Archangel Michael, was in a lot of scenes and I'm not complaining. I think her position as possibly the only angel who thinks for themselves (at times) and who is just constantly surrounded by confident idiots while also being an idiot (but not as much) was just great. More of this please.

The other angels were okay. Muriel is a baby ray of sunshine cupcake darling cutie and if anything happens to her, I will kill anyone responsible and then myself. The other demons were not as important, but I must mention Dagon's robe (? coat? uniform?) which fucks verily.

Maggie and Nina did not make as much impact as I thought they would and I didn't care much about their romance tbh. I know, I know, it is supposed to mirror Aziraphale/Crowley but like... I don't see it. Sorry. The ball scene was weird as hell. I appreciated the seamstress joke, a very nice nod to Pratchett.

And I now see that I just started listing characters instead of talking about the whole thing but I suppose this is how my brain works. I can't wait to read and watch everyone else's opinions and reviews. Despite me not being very happy at the end of the show I enjoyed most of it and I truly hope we will get season 3 to tie the bow.

[burning-sol]

Also on that post I made, I said that I didn't like people being so critical of Hazbin when it wasn't even complete. Now listen, I don't MIND critique being made as the episodes come out, I don't MIND critique of individual episodes, but I do not think these critiques are nearly as valuable as a critique made with the.. ya know.. COMPLETE piece of art? If you only have half a movie to critique, you can critique half the movie, but you cannot know if the full movie is good or bad unless you HAVE the full movie. And hey, if I'm going out to see that full movie, am I going to trust the critique of half of that movie or the full one? I think you know which I'm going to trust more.

Also, when critiques are written so quickly with no reflection, they are more likely to have errors. You're more likely to be swayed by the hot opinions of the time, your own misinterpretations of the work, you don't have enough time to properly break down the work and ruminate on its themes..

There is a meta value to incomplete or flawed critiques, to analyse how wider audiences understood the work and what that says about the work or the wider culture.. But!! I think I'm probably going to trust the opinion of someone who has watched the movie 5 times and can effectively break down the media over someone who watched it once and is giving you their vibe check.

I was also annoyed by this and venting aggresively in that post because the current online climate we live in is FULL of bad opinions. Bad opinions that people make into videos that get hundreds of thousands of views and lead to everyone regurgitating the same awful opinions. Hence my very aggressive statement:

... i hate social media, you start circulating all these bs takes and conclude that if the court of public opinion says ye, than ye the criticism must be. well SOME of us do not appreciate having to constantly sift through hundreds of opinions of no substance just to find one interesting take. so. shut up!!

And if you go, "Sol, doesn't that mean we shouldn't trust YOUR takes on the show?" Yeah. That is what I'm saying. Most of my posting in my "thoughts" tag is a lot of unfiltered or venting kind of thoughts. If you want to know what Hazbin is about, go watch Hazbin Hotel!! You can do that!! You can go watch something yourself!! You can disagree with me!!! My only serious analysis I will ever put out will be in something like an article or on a wiki, where it's been checked 50 times over and reviewed by a peer with clear notes about my own biases where necessary. Everything else is whatever.

Please stop settling for piss poor uninformed takes, you deserve better than that.

[lightlycareless]

First, it hurts— Chapter XXIX

Naoya Zen’in x Fem!Reader

While arranged marriages are not uncommon in the jujutsu community, it was strange to receive a proposal from none other than the Zen’in’s, nonetheless your clan accepted and before you knew it, you were married off to Naoya.

Your new purpose was clear: to serve and submit, to be seen and not heard. To forget any sense of individuality in favor of obeying your husband.

Will this marriage ever flourish into something else? Will it change…for better or for worse?

Chapter warnings: slight mentions of emotional abuse, mentions of physical abuse. mentions of menstruation, fertility, nausea, misogyny, mentions of adultery, I guess adultery in itself, and that seems to be about it.

A/N: GUESS WHO IS BACK AGAIN!! Yes, it's me 🥺❤️ I'm finally back from my cruise, and other shenanigans that I had to deal before I went back to writing. Got to put everything in place, you know?

I got to experience something completely different, like being on a boat... and getting sick, and going to the other side of the country haha, but I liked it! However, what I liked most was getting back to my home with my cat, and you guys :> ❤️

Well, I don't have much to say after this, except.... thank you for your patience ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Without any further ado, happy reading! 🥰

Masterlist ➸ Chapter 30

Ao3 link.

If you were forced to name one positive thing that came from the elders' unrequited involvement in your situation, is that their imposed distance (as well as obnoxious arrogance) was so abnormally high, that it permitted you to do the few tasks you were assigned to as the Lady of the House without much interference. They were seemingly so above your level, they barely even gave you any mind —outside of nasty comments here and there— when indulging in the few things that maintained your sanity, at least until the day you were rescued came.

It felt… reductive to even put the words positive and elder’s in the same sentence, considering that no less than just a few days ago you were nothing but a frightened mess, locked away in your room as you continuously tortured your mind with the when and how’s of their retribution. 

Yet, it is said that time heals all wounds, and after tiring all of your energy ruminating in nothing more than your sorrow and your regrets, your body eventually scarred those painful memories, growing some kind of resistance (or perhaps ignorance, because it will always hurt), and arriving to the conclusion that you at least owed it to those who remained by your side in these difficult moments to hold your head up high and continue to fight.

After all, Mariya, Haruko, Hitomi, and Naoaki were all affected by what transpired to some degree, and they still persevered. So why couldn’t you do the same? Or at least… try?

And now that you began to slowly compose yourself, to the point where you actually had energy to get up and out of bed every morning… shame for the past emotional outbursts you’d unwittingly placed on them began to take hold of your conscience—Looking at the  bigger picture, it feels like that's all you've ever done since you arrived here, placing them in danger, while in turn, they constantly reassured you that you were not as cruel, or weak as your inner sabotaging self believed.

Truly, if it weren't for them, you don't know where you'd be. And not giving the Zen'in any more power than what they already had over you was the least you could do to honor their efforts…

…

But as expected, things were always easier said than done.

It certainly wasn't… effortless to move on, not when you still had the presence of your stranded husband lingering in the corner of your eye, and the death sentence of your father-in-law haunting you like a yokai through every step you took, but you still tried your best, the best you could anyways.

Nonetheless… if it’s worth mentioning, there was a sudden change in your surroundings that altered your perception of them for a moment, at least until you figure out if for the best or for the worst, when noticing Naoya's behavior from one day forward.

You don’t know why, and you don’t usually bother to care when it comes to him, but it happened. And quite strangely too, so… abruptly , especially when all that you remember of him for the last days were his attempts to contact you, or that's what you presumed to be —judging by his looming presence in every room you were in—since you never allowed conversation to start between the two.

Taking this into consideration, it was only natural that you’d inquire with your ladies, if they knew, within their limited reach, about anything new happening to him, just in case you needed to anticipate his reaction and act accordingly.

They looked at one another, as if searching for the answer in their eyes, before looking back at you and shaking their heads.

“No, but now that you mention it, I noticed he seemed to be rather… focused, different from the blank stare he carried everywhere he went to" Mariya noted.

“What do you think of it?” Hitomi asks “Do you think he’s up to something?”

“Oh, I hope not!” Haruko frets, face pale as she shivers “I don’t think I’ll be able to handle anything more! But… What do you think, Y/N-chan? Do you think he’s planning something?”

Undeniably so, but that is not something that you were to find out any moment soon, or through them for that matter… less when there were endless topics to choose from. 

The thing enacting his change could be his career, his title, the elders, perhaps even some paramour he’d fallen out with due to his "temporary" stay at the estate, or worse… you .

You swallow.

For the sake of your mental health, you really, really hoped that wasn't the case.

Your search for answers eventually leads you to Naoaki, whom you silently counted on to give you the closure you desperately needed, after all, he was still in somewhat of a good standing with the rest of the clan and if there was someone that would know of any new changes before the staff, it would be him.

It still surprises you that he hasn't heard of your scheduled death, planned by none other than his own father, or maybe he already knows, but always the considerate one, he decided to not bring it up to avoid hurting you, waiting for you to disclose it in your own terms, in your own time.

If that were the case, you didn’t think it was possible to admire him any more… but that will be something to focus on another time.

“I have no idea what he’s up to” Naoaki exhales, crossing his arms and looking back to you “But whatever it is, it’s never good”

You hum, agreeing with his words. Yet, there was a bit of an unsettling sentiment coming from them, undoubtedly, because they were not the ones you expected to hear from him.

“But don’t let that worry you, Y/N” he continues, as if sensing the mental gymnastics occurring inside your thoughts —or more like seeing them, since the tightness of your lips and the furrow of your brows were all too evident to him— reassuring you with a smile before taking a step closer to you, lifting his hand to tilt your head to his direction and place a soft kiss on your forehead. “It’s a beautiful day today to be focused on that, why don’t you accompany me to the training grounds? Or whatever you want, really, today is my day off”

“Oh” you murmur, a faint streak of pink painting your cheeks, a reaction coming from your still-inconclusive opinion of your relationship with him, and the giant leap forward it took a few nights ago.

Ever since that occasion, the one where you latched onto him in a desperate search of comfort, allowing him to stay in your chambers… something changed between the two.

It’s not anything that you haven’t thought of before, nothing that hasn’t been in the development after you wondered how different your life would’ve been had  he been the one to marry you, and not his dreadful brother.

And as much as it's something you enjoy, (mostly) never rejecting him when he wants to dote on you… you have to be very careful with how you proceed. 

After all, even if the winds of uncertainty seemed to have calmed down a bit, you were still in hot water, and Naoya's shift in behavior was a reminder of that: any misstep could lead to his detriment—and that is something that you do not wish for him.

Well, it seems you were the only one thinking that, for Naoaki didn’t seem to show any concern, after all, you’ve noticed how… confident he’s become when it comes to approaching you; you’d always been uneasy about it from the very beginning, now matter how many times he tried to tell you it was ok, but now that it’s become more apparent… you couldn't help but worry.

And how could you not? You already had Naoya confronting you about it in the days before everything went to hell. If he hasn't been distracted by his exam… 

The thought is enough to send shivers through your spine, and just how it crossed your mind, you discarded it.

Just like Naoaki said, It was difficult … and even then, that word would be an understatement.

Oh, if you’d only met under different circumstances…

“I would like to but… Junko-san already she’d need me for the whole day” you eventually admit, and Naoaki's face paints the expression he always uses when he wants you to “not worry about it” 

But you know him all too well to this point to understand that deep inside, he’s a bit hurt.

“I see” Naoaki answers, retracting his hand to his side and smiling “Maybe tomorrow I’ll have better luck?”

But what a terrific job he does to act as if he weren’t feeling that way.

“I’ll see what my schedule is” you chuckle, playing along. “I’ll try to see you whenever possible today, maybe we can eat something together”

“I would love that” he agrees “See you around, then?”

“See you around” you repeat, a smile on your face.

You then proceed to take a quick glance at your surroundings, just to check that the two had remained in the solitude you'd intended, before taking a step closer to him, placing your hands over his chest, carefully grasping the collar of his shirt, and pulling him down to land a place on his cheek.

To say that you’ve been wanting to do this for a while would still fall short to your emotions, however, you were not disappointed by the time it took you to finally achieve it—and judging by Naoaki's perplexed, but pleased reaction, it seems he thought the same.

At a closer approach, you could also smell his cologne, the same one he always used, regardless of the occasion. You always liked men's fragrances, but his… it felt rather soothing, basking you in an embrace which you did not want to let go…

From there, you noticed how soft his cheek was, and how it was leaning onto the warmer side, even with the cold weather, which made you assume he was flustered.

Even if it was for another reason, you still found it yourself to think of it as cute .

…

…

…

Would it be weird if you also admitted that his skin felt just right… underneath your lips?

You don’t let these thoughts distract you much from your upcoming tasks as you send him off with a quick wave, a coy smile on your lips as the faintest of redness painted your cheeks, before doing a sharp turn on your axis and heading towards the place the mother of the twins arranged to see you.

The memory of their mother is enough to pull you back to reality, tossing aside the tranquility Naoaki provided you and replacing it with chagrin.

Ever since hell broke loose, Junko has been… Well, you’d like to say that she's changed, but most likely than not, she returned to who she genuinely is, to who she was always supposed to be with you.

Where she once showed an ounce of trust and respect towards your persona, to the point where she even allowed you to carry on with your tasks without her supervision, going as far as permitting you to conduct meetings with contractors, taking decisions on behalf of the Zen’in estate without her approval… Now she only seems to scrutinize you, meticulously tear your discernment apart without giving you time to justify yourself—and way harsher than she has ever done before.

The reason for her behavior was no mystery: she was less than impressed by your antics. But even when she didn’t actively reprimand you, she was the kind of person to carry a semblance that lets you know there was something wrong, and that it was on you to figure it out.

A passive aggressive air that while it went undetected at first, for you were too focused on your own survival, wouldn’t take long before it became apparent by her own merits.

"Is this how you're going to act from now on?" The mother of two scowls as soon as you step into the gathering point—the kitchen. 

"...what do you mean, Junko-san?" You cautiously inquired. It was only the first hour of the day, you haven’t done anything outside getting ready for the day, briefly conversing with Naoaki, and making your way here.

Unless… she’d seen you with Naoaki just moments before, and now, has decided to participate in the name-calling movement the rest of her relatives were partaking in?

“I asked you to be here at 7 o’ clock in the morning. And you’re 1 minute late” Junko says, and while her path had been completely different from what you expected, alleviating you in some way for this would be the one topic she has left out of her attention —you noticed early on that she doesn't talk about Naoaki, at least directly, contrary to those who are more than willing to call you nasty names due to the nature your relationship with him. Naoya…— you knew it wouldn't be beneficial in the long run.

This was just to be the tip of the iceberg regarding the behavior Junko decided to adopt when referring to you since that day. 

Even the littlest of things, whether a simple accident or not, were accentuated before her observant dark eyes and brought to your attention in the most crudest of ways.

“It’s not enough that you disrespect your father-in-law, the head of the clan , and your husband” Junko continued on “But also the time of others?”

“I’m sorry, I thought I was still in time—” 

“Don’t apologize” She says, sharply cutting through your fretting attempt at an explanation without hesitation. A reaction that has you immediately quieting up and intently observing her. “Do better ”

You don’t say nor do much after this interaction besides following her lead into what is the customary first task of the day, having long understood that no matter what you did, no matter how you tried to justify your actions, you had become virtually irremediable before her judgment.

But even when you were stung by her indifference… you guess you should still hold some kind of gratitude towards her.

After your small quarrel with Naobito and your continued attempts to avoid Naoya erupted, Junko had made it her utmost priority to ban you from any task that involved them. 

Ever the one to please the masters in attempts of redeeming herself for committing “failures” of her own, Junko knew that an environment involving the problematic couple of the moment would do no good to anyone around, thus, did everything she could to avoid a repeat of that unfortunate scene. 

You assumed this to be a necessary action due to her responsibility towards you, but one quick glance at the fresh wounds scattered on her arms and neck, which she often attempted to hide with her sleeves or collar of her kimono , would perhaps not tell you otherwise, but rather, give you another motivation behind her behavior.

It’s not the first time you’ve seen something like this, Ogi’s unnecessary involvement and following spite towards his wife, that is, whenever you seemingly committed something “unruly for the Lady of the House”

However, perhaps because of the status that you held and the animosity you imagined Naoya had towards him whenever he spoke about his uncle , you never faced the same repercussions as she did. 

Sure, you had your own demons to fight, but they were never as… gruesome, or constant, as the one’s the mother of the twin’s carried—and all because at the end of the day, since Junko was in charge of overseeing your behavior, any negative repercussion from your actions naturally reflected on her , and subsequently, her husband.

Mai and Maki had never voiced you their opinion of this situation, or if they were even aware of it. But if you were to take into consideration the way they were able to immediately identify your silent sorrow with just taking a look at you, you could only guess they were all but unaware of what transpired between their parents.

Ogi, just like Junko, was the type of person that made no attempts to hide their discontent with you, however, because of previously stated reasons, he was far less detached from you and solely limited himself to shoot you nasty glances, scoffs, and evading you as if you were the plague itself —the biggest of his transgressions would be perhaps when he dared attack you with objectifying and degrading comments regarding your persona and family, sometimes redirecting them towards Naoya’s poor discernment— whenever you have the misfortune of crossing paths with him.

That didn’t mean he didn’t intend to do more, of course, and after noticing how sternly Junko started to treat you, you were more than convinced with the theory her husband often dumped her with things that would relieve his stress (or that he saw far beneath him, undeserving of his attention) such as taking absolute accountability for the twins, or reprimanding you—it makes you wonder how many of the nasty comments Junko has said to you are actually from her, and which ones are from her husband.

Or in the worst, but not impossible of cases… from Naobito himself.

Your father-in-law has kept quiet, distant, much to your surprise, and not in a sense that you find comforting. As you’ve thought so before, the higher up’s silence is often considered sinister for it provides the implication of something brewing up behind the scenes.

And as the days went by, and you have yet to hear anything from their side… your mind was forced to seek and answer, concluding that his calmness must’ve been from the fact that you already had the worst punishment that you could think of, your death , on its way. What was worse than dying at this point?

…

Making you suffer for it, of course, if they feel rather sadistic when it happens.

It was nothing more than rumors and assumptions that were inundating your mind at this point, all stemming from the fact that Naobito hadn’t forgotten your transgression and was simply waiting for things to act out on their own.

But maybe… if only maybe, had you been a bit more attentive to the whispers circulating the halls, you would’ve realized that Naobito had already moved on from the incident, and not because he was as cold and calculating as you portrayed him (he still is) but rather because he… genuinely already forgot about it.

Naobito was a man that harbored an uncontrolled alcoholic addiction —a s enior alcoholic, must one add— who’d gotten to the point in his life where he just stopped caring about topic outside his immediate reach, and considering that he grew up in a household of conflicting relatives and far more impactful situations, he took your behavior as nothing more than a “femal’s hormonal outburst”, an interesting one at that, considering the reputation that followed your marriage to Naoya, and moved on with his life.

After all, he did have bigger fish to fry with a certain… Gojo heir. And your punishment was already set, so why the hell would he bother wasting his time in doing more, like the elders were instigating him to, when it was only a matter of time before you either forced yourself to accept their lifestyle, or perish? He was the clan leader, for god’s sake! He could do whatever he wanted!

From there, the only person from the “elite” circle that has kept a close eye on you, was Jinichi.

But different from his crude relatives, he would approach you with the intention of checking in on you, see how you were faring, and perhaps… get a profile of your inner workings and deduce what made you act the way you did.

Your perception of him was still… confusing, baffling so to speak, even after you were slowly starting to get to know him a bit better, as well as losing that intimidating sensation he always unknowingly brought forth towards you.

The memory of the night you rejected Naoya for the nth time, running away from him before stumbling into Jinichi, vividly remained in your mind.

His words, his recounts, his version of the story —a new, unexplored side of the troubled existence of the Zen’in clan— and the alleged suffering of his brother was the only reason you hadn’t acted so dismissively towards him when he came to commend you for your bravery, as well as advise you to to not try anything of the liking again.

Although well intended, you don’t have to go beyond the conversation you had with him that fated night, as well as the whispers of his relatives, to understand that his warning, far from being intended as a caution for your well being, had been more of a remembrance of something that occurred with his estranged brother.

The mystery that surrounded Toji’s persona, exile, and the terror he imparted onto the jujutsu community after he left the clan, was one that you’d wish to unveil, but your need for survival outweighs far more than your curiosity at this particular moment... 

Besides, his bare thought seems to be a painful yet shameful one for the Zen’in, so even if you wanted to pursue this subject, you doubt you’ll get any answers from it—leading you to quickly drop the topic.

Circling back to Jinichi, even if you have yet to determine your impression of him, you still thank him for his concern. Especially when he could’ve easily adopted Ogi’s stance and treated you the same way…

In fact, there was still hesitance in your heart when you thanked him for his kind words, because all that you knew of his opinion regarding you was that you reminded him of his brother and the regret he held for not being able to have one last conversation with him before he left…

Let’s go through that again: you reminded him of a man that most, if not all, members of the Zen’in clan thought of negatively , if not horrifyingly… 

Well, there’s no use in over thinking what’s already set, after all, if there was no real damage (that you can perceive anyways) being done to you via his actions and words, you’re not going to denounce him—alliances are hard to come by in the wretched household of the Zen’in, and if you could at least preserve somewhat of a good relationship with one of the men that had more than enough power to make your life difficult, then you would accept it. For the sake of your survival and rescue.

And that’s what you did, and will continue to do as you go on with your tasks: remain amicable, and distant if necessary, to those around you, keep in your lane as you await for the next day, and the next one, and the day after that one, and so on and so forth, to arrive.

Once your early morning tasks were done and you had prepared the food of the masters as well as your own, Junko announced your second task for the day, one that you often assumed to be the most tedious and time consuming of them all, the reason why she booked you for the whole day: fixing the clothes of the sorcerers.

It had been a while since you laid hands on a needle, less focus on it for hours , since most of your responsibilities pertained to the maintenance and administration of the house, but when a slight organizational shift occurred in the missions of a particular heir , you were pulled back to the mundane, bottom of the barrel, activities of the everyday wife.

Now that you put it that way, this felt like some kind of a not-so-indirect punishment from Junko —from dealing with important, highly influential matters that solely pertain to the Lady of the House, you were now relegated to nothing more than domestic chores. Her words, not yours.

But as you stated before, you were nothing but glad that you were being kept away from anything that could possibly involve your tormentors—if anything, this new assignment couldn’t have been any better, for you were to be accompanied by none other than the most talented seamstress you’ve ever met in your life, the same one you had the fortune of calling your friend: Hitomi.

Having disclosed to Mariya how regretful you felt for unwittingly showing preference to her over Hitomi, and her sister Haruko, you’ve attempted to make it up to them in however way you could, and what better way than spending time with her, engaging in an activity she’s not only proficient in, but also, fond of?

Even if you still didn’t feel confident enough to share your intimate thoughts with her, you still wanted her to know how important she is to you—thank her for all the support she’s given you.

And not only would this task help strengthen your relationship with her, show your interest in wanting to learn something new from her (even if it was quite tedious and terrifying from her side, you’ve long learned that Hitomi was… quite the teacher) but also, brush up the sewing skills you’ve unintentionally placed on the back burner for external issues, since from one day forward, you’ve been wanting to do something nice for the twins, who recently began to complain about the cold weather, as well as something for Naoaki, who never fails to comment on how cold your hands are as soon as he holds them—so why not make their life easier?

Soon after you’re done eating breakfast and cleaning up after those you indirectly served, you’re picked up by Hitomi and taken to your favorite spot at one of the many gardens inside (your permitted section) of the Zen’in estate, somewhere in the south wing, where the flowers are slowly withering due to the changing weather, but still enjoy thanks to the beautiful koi pond in it, before getting to work.

“Are you ready, Y/N-san?” Hitomi says with a smile as she lays down a small metal box filled with needles and threads besides the mountain of clothes —the ones you assumed to be the victims, excuse me, canvases , for the occasion— she’d had one of the servants place in advance before taking a seat. “Judging by the amount of work we have, it seems like Junko-san was intentionally keeping these hidden for a while now. I heard she even went as far as taking the work from the other seamstress to put it here. If I knew any better, I think she’s intending on overworking you”

“As ready as I’ll ever be” you admit, sitting beside her and reaching over for the metallic box. Already familiar with the tools inside, you go ahead and take out the ones you deemed necessary for the taskblack thread, thread snips, and a needle. “And… you might be right. Junko-san isn’t very happy with me, I don’t think anyone is really. But… whatever— What surprises me the most is that you aren’t the only seamstress here, and I don’t know why I had the idea that, considering the size of the estate…”

Hitomi doesn’t proceed to take the box from you once you’ve set it back down to the engawa and on her side, but rather, she focuses on taking a quick glance at you, observing your unaware profile for a few seconds, before smiling.

She can’t recall the last time you were this talkative to her, or anyone for that matter, since that happened.

And while it might not be to the same extent as it was before, when things were infinitely better, Hitomi was still glad that you were slowly beginning to emotionally improve, giving the impression that you were growing more comfortable with her, enough to step a way, if only from a moment, from the confines of your mind and grant her what seems to be the beginning of a conversation—different from the unwittingly detached approach you’d given her days prior.

Your closeness to Mariya was never of her discomfort, neither for your sister. She was more worried about your reclusiveness and the fact that she couldn’t do anything to help you than those petty matters.

But now… it was different. There was an advancement, and there was nothing that made her happier than that.

“By the amount of work I sometimes had, that’s what you’d think” she moved on, sighing as she mirrored your actions by taking out her own tools “I sometimes wish that the kukuru would be a bit more cautious with their clothes, it seems like they intentionally put their clothes in harm’s way just because they can”

“Well, not to defend them… but going out on missions as frequently as they do, or just by rigorously training, you’re bound to get a scratch or two” you say, beginning to place the thread into the needle, and once that was set, awaiting Hitomi’s following indications. “My brother and sister would always take their own sewing kit just because of that”

“That’s different— they’re being conscious about it. Not like the ones here that just assume someone will always do their work, and thus, act irresponsible with their things! Just because they’re magically mended after throwing them into the dirty laundry bin doesn’t mean they can’t be careful” Hitomi groans, she could literally envision them taunting her when they place their clothes at the laundry room «Who cares! Hitomi is going to fix it anyways!» They’d say. “But whatever, we’re not here to complain about them, because if we are, I think we’re going to need more than a day for that”

You chuckle, agreeing with her. And your gesture makes Hitomi join with a chuckle of her own.

“I want you to first practice on your stitches before moving onto something a bit more difficult, like hems” Hitomi instructs as she reaches over to the pile of clothes and takes out a random pair of black pants “This one has a small rupture” she points at it and you hum “so a basic stitch will be more than enough to fix it. But I’m always here for guidance if you need some”

“I remember doing some, back in the day” you reflect, taking the garment away from Hitomi’s hands and laying it on your lap “Or attempting to do them… back when I was at school, I obviously never mastered them, but I’d rather have a badly fixed skirt than the long one I got as a uniform”

“I always liked long skirts” Hitomi adds “It makes you look regal, wouldn’t you agree?”

“I guess so, but it all depends on the context. I don’t mind long skirts if it’s for anything else but for physical activity—I don’t know how my sister does it… But that wasn’t the issue! The problem here was that it was completely different from what I requested. Picture this, I asked for my skirt to be just above the knee, but instead, I got one that ended 5 fingers below it!”

Hitomi scoffs “That’s a mistake not even I can figure where it came from; I’d like to say it was the usual extra piece they add to unite fabrics and make the hems, but we’re talking about almost 6 inches of a mistake! Whoever made your uniform must’ve been a beginner”

“I guess so” the two laugh, before you stab the needle into the black garment and begin to work. Hitomi doing the same with another piece of clothing. “That skirt would only hinder my work if I left it like that… and would’ve continued to do so, if I was still a sorcerer”

Upon noticing the subtle shift in your tone at the remembrance of something that is no longer meant to be, Hitomi decides to act quickly and push through the subject in hopes of preventing sadness from laying its roots in your heart.

“I can imagine. Kind of. I’ve only seen the sorcerers here and most of them wear pants, although we should consider most of them to be men, so…”

“The uniform at school is way different than what’s used here. The sorcerers here use far more traditional garments than the rest do, and the school offers a much more modern “default” alternative—However, students are permitted to file in a request for a customization” you explain, and Hitomi, whom was elated to see that you’d naturally carried on with the conversation, was also now… briefly interested to know more about your life as a sorcerer.

You don’t talk much about it, or more likely than not, you had a rather extensive background that the short conversations you’d had with her up to this point hadn’t been enough to uncover them all! Which only makes it more exciting.

Thus, prompted by her curiosity, she continues:

“If you don’t mind me asking, how was your uniform?”

“Oh, well” you blink, and something likened to excitement fills your chest.

Remembering this part of your life and education was always exciting for you because it was the beginning of something long-awaited! Even if it was all in the past…

Well, some were right in saying that recounting memories was the same as reliving them, and wouldn’t it be nice to share those nice sentiments with a friend? Undoubtedly.

So, you oblige. 

“Since I wanted to do something different from my siblings and friends, cooler in a way, and that it somehow matched with my technique, I decided to take inspiration from one of the series I was—”

“Ah, there you are!” An exasperated voice booms through the stillness of the air as it breaks your sentence midway. The rudeness of the noise forced the women to perplexedly look at each other, wondering if this had been nothing more than a fabrication of their imagination—the assumption quickly debunked by the sound of rushed footsteps that followed soon after, which made their heads swirl into its general direction, intending to identify who had been the one that called them so abruptly, if they were even the person of interest. “I was looking everywhere for you!” the voice called yet again, and when the caller stepped into their sight, you were the first to react.

“Nao…hiko?” You whispered. To say that you were somewhat startled by his appearance would be an understatement, however, your companion did not seem to share that same sentiment, evident by the not so subtle groan that escaped her lips, followed by a quick eye roll.

The culprit behind the shout had been none other than Naoaki’s brother, the second oldest, and the one that wasn’t known for being particularly tactful with others, although that description fit another member of the Zen’in siblings…

As he continues to walk over to your direction, you glance over at Hitomi, giving her another look that asks her “What is going on?” hoping that perhaps she knew of some arrangement Junko had set forth without informing you first hand—although the garment in his hands already offered some hints.

But before either are even able to externalize their concerns, he interrupts once more.

“I’m talking to you , seamstress” Naohiko’s words were… condescending , to say the least.

Would you say unexpected? No, considering how he treats you, or his siblings whenever around, always carrying this aura as if everything were beneath him…

However, what you allow towards your persona is contrastingly different from what you permitted onto others, and with such thought is why you decide to put him in his place.

“She has a name, you know” you frown “ Hitomi ”

“Yeah, Hitomi, right. Whatever" Naohiko groans as he shrugs, not even bothering to glance at your direction as he responds, solely looking at her “Heard you were fixing clothes again, so, I want you to fix mine”

“I’m busy." Hitomi says, reacting with the same indifference he’s throwing at the two by keeping her eyes on the garments before her, and coincidentally, you.  “You can ask the other seamstress to help you”

“Ugh, you think I would be here if I liked her job? Or if she knew how to do it?” He whines, shaking the garment before her to grab her attention and demonstrate his urgency. “You’re the only one that knows how to fix my clothes just how I like it, so yeah, I want you to do it”

Hitama inhales, exhales, turns lifts her gaze to his and declares:

“Not with that tone I’m not”

And then, everything goes silent.

You were already uneasy when Naohiko decided to approach the two out of the nowhere, and in the same manner that he’s always used to refer others, but to hear Hitomi actually retaliate was just something that you—well, you didn’t know how to take outside of getting in each other’s nerves.

Hitomi was the no-nonsense kind of person in the group, reserved and cool tempered; the voice of reason between her and her sister…

But Naohiko? Oh, he was as hot-headed as they come. Rude, not easy to get along with, can’t get a joke even if his life depended on it… and adding Hitomi’s reaction… It was only a matter of time before either one of them jumped the other.

You know it won’t be Hitomi, so all that remains is to anticipate Naohiko to be the one to take the first step.

Thus, you begin to slowly preparing yourself to stand up for her by setting your items on the side, slowly inching closer to her as you discreetly push yourself up from the wooden floor, completely expecting him to lose he’s cool and screech and demand that she do what he orders , and how dare she question his authority…

But what transpired after was something that you’d never think in a million years would happen, and such was the shock for the following events, that you were unable to do anything else but fall back into your seat and speechlessly watch everything unfold.

“Can you fix my pants, please ?” he murmurs, head to the side as his eyes are fixated everywhere but on the woman he’s requesting the service, as if he was embarrassed to show his desperation for such necessity, or perhaps… something more?

“My pleasure” Hitomi says, accepting her new assignment by grabbing the garments from his hand and placing them alongside the rest.

She then picks up from where she left off with her previous engagement, grabbing the needle and starting to thread in the fabric… or that's what she intended to do before noticing Naohiko's looming presence just over her shoulder, as if he were trying to make sure she was indeed planning on doing what he requested, instead of retreating back to whatever place he was before.

Never one to enjoy having an audience while working, at least not one that she hadn't approved of, Hitomi is prompted to place her tools back on her lap as she sighs, before turning around to face him once more.

“I’ll let you know when they’re done, Naohiko-sama , you don’t need to stand there" « like an idiot » she wished to add, but she knows she’s threading dangerously close.

“...Uh, yeah, sure” he says with a frown, clenching his hand before turning around and leaving their presence. He didn’t even bother to acknowledge you on his way in, or out, which was surprising since whenever you were present it always seemed he had something to say to you—but this change didn’t matter to you, not when you had a far more shocking interaction to analyze.

“What was that?” you ask once Naohiko is out of sight and earshot.

“What?” she asks and you huff, because there’s no way she doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

“I mean—he's always so… unruly, I was worried that he was going to snap at you!" you continue on "but… he didn't. And it looked like you weren't even worried about it either! Is there something going on between the two that I don't know of?”

“What?! No!” she twisted her face out of disgust, shaking her head as if you'd just told her the most gruesome, impossible scenario of them all “He’s nothing more than a pushover, someone had to tell him how to ask for things eventually! I don’t care if he’s one of the masters, he’s not going to treat me that way”

“Are you sure there’s nothing else going on?” you egg on, a smile on your face as you inch closer to her, elbowing her arm ever so slightly. "Cause I think I saw something in his face when he asked you nicely to fix his pants"

"Y/N-san… I swear, you're just like my sister…" Hitomi frowns, and at the implication, you gasp.

"Ah, so there is something!" You conclude and she just scoffs.

“No! Of course not! But… Well, I guess if I had to put it into words, he's the only one I tolerate of the masters because he's the only one who appreciates my work, instead of treating it like it was my duty” Hitomi eventually relents “Even if it is my job, who doesn't like to be recognized? And by one of the masters of the— what's with that face? " She asks when she finally notices the grin, which only grew bigger and bigger as she went on, in your mischievous face.

"Oh, nothing" you shrug, turning around to the pending work on your lap "Just thinking, that's all"

"Don't get the wrong idea, Y/N-san" she says as she mirrors you, picking up her thread to continue working "I'm just recognizing his appreciation for my work. But I don’t want to talk about that anymore, why don’t you tell me about your uniform?"

While Hitomi was more than comfortable in admitting that there really was nothing between the two outside of a professional relationship, she's not going to say that she doesn't enjoy how he always seeks her simply because, in his own words "there's no one else that can do what you do"

That's… certainly one way to get to the heart of a professional.

But if there's something that she likes the most above all, it’s being able to work without interruptions.

Unfortunately, that's something that’s not bound to happen that day.

“Hitomi!” Another voice calls, less intruding than Naohiko’s, softer even, but and with a sense of urgency that makes both women look into its direction: one out of curiosity, and the other with impatience “Hitomi! Where are you?!”

“Oh, Jesus, what is it now?!” Hitomi breathes exasperatedly as the notion of another person coming to bother her simply because she’s back in the game takes hold of her mind. Yes, she said she likes being appreciated, but that doesn’t mean she enjoys being dumped with all of their work—Junko was already doing that, what else do they want from her?

Too angered by being interrupted, she doesn't hold her tongue when voicing her frustration “Can’t you see I’m trying to work her—oh, Haruko! ” 

At the recognizable figure of her sister turning just around the corner, Hitomi is quick to calm down her animosity and transform it into interest before ending in concern when her eyes capture the redness of her cheeks and the out-of-place strands of hair sticking to her her face: symbols that she had been doing nothing but running towards their direction for the past few minutes, as well as remembering the crucial tone of her voice in which she was calling to her just a few seconds ago.

Everything had been somewhat calm since the day began, and neither Junko, Mariya, her , or even you had been informed of anything important happening… So, what made her like that?

“I came rushing here as soon as possible!” Haruko piped as soon as she catches up to you, breathing heavily as she crouches forward to rest her hands on her knees in hopes to rest for a moment and regain her breath.

“Why are you in a rush, Haruko?” you ask as you discard all of your items to the side, pushing yourself up from the floor and going to her side “Sit down, you need to rest”

But instead of accepting your offer, she gently rejects you, shaking her head as she lifts her glance to you, before shifting to her sister, and darting back to you. 

It’s almost as if she were pleading to the two to not have her say what burdens her mind, but knowing there are matters she has little to nothing control over, she painfully forces herself to continue. "I have—" she gasps, throat constrained as she swallows, her heartbeat echoing in her ears "I —I have an announcement… no, a dreadful request for you, Y/N-san!!”

Her words hollow in your head as you unwittingly take a step back from her, darting a quick glance towards Hitomi, attempting to corroborate (or perhaps seek comfort?) her sister’s words before looking back at Haruko once more.

“What is it?” you caution, voice low as a whisper, as all kinds of dreadful scenarios begin to flash through your mind, agitatedly hoping that none of them were happening. “Is… is everything ok? Is Mariya ok? What—what about the twins?!”

“They’re fine, they’re ok but… I—I don’t think you will” Haruko frets and your heart drops to your stomach. Hitomi attempts to reprimand her for her poor choice of words as soon as she sees your face pale, but your imperativeness wins her to it.

“What … Do you mean, Haruko?” your murmur and Haruko presses her brows together, dreading that she has to be the one to relay this distressing thought, one that is only destined to interrupt the few moments of peace you’ve only started to regain.

Just how things are always meant to be while in the claws of the Zen’in clan.

“...Na—Naoya’s staff informed me that—that he wants to—to take you to the—the doctor” she stammers in between breaths, yet to regain her stability, but with an announcement such as this that task will fade into the background “And that… you—you should carefully consider your situation since your—since your body body is already in a vulnerable position”

“ What ?” you whisper, and you feel as if you’d been dragged to a pit of darkness “When—when did he say this? How long has he… planned for this?”

“Just right now, I think… They—They told me they couldn’t find Mariya so they asked me to—to let you know instead” she exhales, and then, she finally sits down.

And in a matter of seconds, as your mind runs a thousand miles per second trying to find an answer to his unforeseen predicament, something inside your mind clicks that makes his sudden disappearance all too evident. 

Of all the things that you feared, that you believed him to be doing behind the scenes, you were the unlucky winner of his attention.

Adding to the fact he used a servant to inform you… it adds a layer of seriousness to his already mysterious intentions—and it reminded you of that awful night he called you to his chambers soon after returning from his exams.

However, your feelings upon hearing his message weren’t ones of fear or uncertainty—no, it was pure anger .

“Is that—is that what he told you now?!” you hiss, clenching your fingers against your palms to the point where red crescent moons imprint on your skin “Is this—is this his way to coerce me into listening to him?!”

Haruko’s lips tremble at the revelation, with Hitomi following your lead by portraying a scowl of her own as she joins her sister's side.

“He’s growing desperate” you add “He thinks that by doing that, by threatening me with my own health I’ll look at him?! He’ll have to do better than that !”

“Ohh, Y/N-chan please don’t provoke him…” Haruko frets, teary eyes as she attempts to soothe you by placing her hands over your arms  “He’s scary enough as it is… I can only imagine what he can do if he puts his mind into it”

You wish to say that you were all but a victim to this sentence, but this was not time to contemplate on things of the past, because all that you need to do is act quickly if you’re to avoid this situation before it worsens.

“...Thank you for letting me know, Haruko” you say as you glance over to Hitomi, who with nothing more but a nod, understood what was the next step to take and started picking up after the sewing kit “We need to talk to Mariya”

“She was at the east wing last time I checked, I can go get her for you” Haruko informs “Do you want to meet her here?”

“No, Tell her to meet me at my room” you respond, starting to gather the clothes with intentions of moving them with you “I should’ve known something was going on with Naoya the moment he stopped pestering me—how foolish was I to not anticipate that?!”

“Don’t berate yourself for something you had no control over” Hitomi says as she gestures to Haruko to help you with the garments, which her sister obliged almost immediately. “But we’ve been careful up to this point, and we cannot budge simply because he’s desperate for some attention. We’ve gone long enough without him, and we can continue that way, we just have to plan accordingly”

“But… but what if he decides to take you by force?” Haruko wonders and you momentarily stop, pressing your lips together as the selection of her wording makes something inside you twinge in pain.

You won’t say that her proposed situation isn’t something you hadn’t considered in the short time you have had to live with this new, unwanted situation. With Naoya, there’s only bad to worse outcomes, however, just because that’s all you’re ever going to get from him, it doesn’t mean you’re not going to do anything to prevent them.

And just as you were doing up to this moment, that’s what you’ll continue to do—starting by reuniting with the best person you knew you could rely on for these situations and come up with something to put an end to this ridiculous charade.

“Oh, he was planning what now ?” Mariya says as soon as Haruko finished relaying the request Naoya sent in through his servants, with the same skepticism you expected her to have. “He’s must be growing desperate ”

“That’s what I was thinking” you reiterare as your ladies give one last scan to the hallway, checking no one was nearby to hear their plotting, before stepping back into your room, closing and locking the door behind them. “He thinks I’m just going to… accept his conditions because he’s threatening me with something he knows is sensitive to me, and just go with him?”

“Hah! Now that is something you won’t do” Mariya scoffs, crossing her arms “I’ll make sure of it”

“But how can we convince him to not take Y/N-san to the doctor?” Haruko mumbles, having taken a bite of one of the many snacks she managed to sneak out of the kitchen on her way to you—the tool she commonly uses to control her anxiety— before offering some to her sister, Mariya, and you; with only you accepting them “There’s not a single moment where he isn’t threatening Y/N-san, why can’t he just leave her alone!”

“Because the men here are incessant when it comes to tormenting others” Mariya responds, stemming from her own experience. “But I'll be damned if I allow this to happen—Nobody knows about her condition more than us” 

«And maybe Naoaki…» She ponders, reflecting back on the week he consistently sought you out, not a day passed without him visiting your room… « How did Naoya get this idea in the first place?»  

“So all that we have to do is say that she’s greatly improved and that there’s no reason for her to go”

“Will they be convinced just by our word?” Hitomi rightfully asks “Let’s not forget we’re essentially banned from being considered as part of the staff”

“They have to” your prime lady-in-waiting reinforces “Who else is Naoya-sama going to ask? That friend of his, Ranta? His staff? The only thing we’ve ever told others was that you had your period—and that’s only because they were insistent. And never to the full extent of it because it’s not their business! The only ones that would know about it in greater detail would have to be his father, but he’s never been one to involve himself…” Mariya stops at the somber notion of your death sentence.  That had been the only exception Naobito ever thought necessary to step in, and what a painful, shocking way to do so…. “So we have an advantage”

“... But—but what if it doesn’t work?” Haruko shudders mid chew and Mariya frowns.

“It’s a risk we have to take.” She reassures her, placing her hand on her shoulder “And if he wants to force her then she’ll have to go through me! We can probably hide her in one of the many rooms here, the Zen’in are too proud to even acknowledge they don’t know the complete layout of their estate, I’m sure there are even rooms they don’t even account for…”

“Then, when will the right time be to start?” Hitomi asks.

“Now—I’ll act as if Haruko was never informed—after all, if they wanted to state something official , then it must pass through me. I’m still surprised Meiko still respects that aspect from me”

Her nonchalant statement makes your heart clench, and the seed of regret you’ve tried your hardest to keep at bay, begins to settle its roots once again.

Mariya had given you a quick run through of why they were placed in that predicament in the first place, hoping to ease your confusion as well as distract you from your own struggles, but far from offering  reassurance, it just made you feel more responsible for their well being, as well as devaluing your self worth.

You were their mistress—the one they were responsible for taking care of, who in turn, would provide them a good life for their service.

But it seems that all you’ve ever done since arriving at the estate is to be nothing more than a nuisance to them— and to think you were rude to Mariya at the beginning, for a stupid misunderstanding, only makes matters worse.

That's all in the past, however, and those thoughts don’t distract you from your intentions of venerating their care towards you one day, hopefully… when Hinata saves you from this hellish place.

For now, all you have to do is focus on going through with their plan: Feign ignorance to the point where they have to be approached yet again by Naoya’s staff, and then, if insistent enough, counter them with the notion that they deemed his suggestions unnecessary, sealing it with the fact that your health was actually improving.

It's a heavy compromise that requires everyone to play their parts accurately… you just hope he falls for it.

Yet, as much as you trusted your staff to do what was necessary as well as plan something with nothing but your wellbeing in mind, you still felt as if something were missing… as if there was a point of view you needed to ensure that everything was going accordingly.

Someone… on the inside, so to speak. Someone that could give you a better look of what perhaps the heir's intentions are and offer a much more efficient way to go around his request, and maybe comfort you too…

That missing piece refers to Naoaki, of course, the one person in your entourage you had yet to tell what had transpired moments earlier, and the one you approached as soon as your duties were done.

"Hey, Y/N” He says with a smile as soon as he sees you rapidly approach him. His mind believes it to be you wanting to be with him, making his heart soar at the premise, however, he’d be pulled back to reality when you voiced the following words with a gravity that has him bewildered immediately after.

"Naoaki, we have to talk now!" you say, and he blinks.

"Oh, sure, um… just let me change into something more comfortable and I'll join you—your room or…?"

"My room" and with that, he doesn’t need to inquire any further to understand he cannot afford to waste time. Thus, after he goes to his room to change out of the clothes he’d trained with, he goes straight to your chambers—what he was planning on doing anyways at the end of the day—and steps inside.

Judging by the imperativeness of your tone, Naoaki somewhat expected you to be accompanied by your ladies, yet surprisingly, the first thing that he notices outside of the anxious look on your face is the solitude in which you seem to wrap yourself with.

It’s uncommon for both things to coexist, you were never to suffer on your own, which only makes him feel even more uncertain of what’s to come, but undeniably sure that he needs to be there for you. 

And once he’s completely sure that their absence wasn’t to be filled with any unrequited visitors lingering outside your room, he steps towards the futon, where you’d been seemingly impatiently waiting for him, and takes a seat just on the spot besides you.

"What happened? Are you hurt?" Even when he desires to approach the subject in the most sensible way possible, he can’t help his mouth from muttering the first thing that crosses his mind. After all, a lifetime of abuse is bound to warp his perception, expecting nothing more than the negative out of his family…

"I'm fine, nothing… has happened, yet" you murmur, and as if second nature, you lean towards his arm, resting your head on your shoulder.

" Yet? " Naoaki frowns, he doesn't like the sound of that, and what usually comes after—at all. "What's going on, Y/N?"

You exhale, mentally preparing yourself to plunge into what is, yet again, another charade from his younger brother—your husband .

"..Today, I was informed by one of my ladies that… he plans on taking me to the doctor" you stated "And although he might not said it explicitly, something tells me he’s planning on forcing me to go if I don’t agree”

It was just a few words, perhaps lesser than what actually transpired, but for Naoaki it was more than sufficient to understand the gravity of the current circumstances, and the infinite list of undesirable circumstances that could unfold if wrong decisions were made.

"When did this happen?"

"...Just short of starting my second task" you answered. It was so early in the morning, it barely gave you any time to breathe… Poor Haruko.

It surprises you, however, that it wasn’t the first thing that greeted you that day considering how things often went down, almost… as if he were hesitant to proceed, by whatever reason.

And assuming by the concerned look on Naoaki’s face, he’s to be thinking the same… which is what prompts you to continue on.

"But Mariya and I already came up with a plan. We’re quite confident it might work, but I just wanted your input, see if there’s anything we’re missing”

"What's the plan?" Naoaki asks, inching closer to you, letting you know you had all of his attention—if it weren’t already obvious by his hand resting on yours.

"Because the announcement was done through his staff to Haruko, Mariya thought we could go down the route of disregarding it because it was never given to her. After all, all official statements have to go through her if they’re to be considered by me”

“And then?” Naoaki tilts his head, he might not say it, but he’s starting to see some kind of… flaw behind this plan—in other words, he’s not convinced yet . But he doesn’t want to say anything until he hears the rest. “What if he insists?”

“Then she’ll state it’s not necessary, because my health is gradually improving—even if that’s… a lie to some extent, they have no one else to corroborate this kind of information, and since the status of my health has never been completely disclosed, they’re going to have to trust them”

"And what if that doesn't work either?"

His questions seem to irritate you, but that seems redundant when you come to understand that it’s his attempt to check for any overlooked details—after all, you did approach him requesting a different point of view…

"... I was hoping you'd help me" you murmur "We think that hiding me away in some unacknowledged room would work and…” you stop to glance up to his face, and there… you suddenly feel silly for going as far as plotting all of this, because at the end of the day, could you ever be free of Naoya’s grasp? Not until your sister comes along. “I already know what you’re going to say" you look away, ashamed. “It’s not going to work, is it?”

Naoaki stares at you for a few seconds, silent as he can be, as he dives into deep thought. It’s not an unusual action from him, often doing so to prepare the right answer he thinks might help you with whatever turmoil you found yourself in.

And while you always liked his caution, it wasn’t what you needed in this particular moment, and far from offering the reassurance it always did, it just brought along more uneasiness.

"Speak to me, Naoaki" you urge, clenching his hand "What… what do you think I should do?”

He sighs. And just by that gesture, you already know you’re not going to like it.

"I think you should go"

And you were right.

" What? " You paled, and Naoaki couldn’t do anything else but laugh nervously, scratching the back of his neck as a gesture of comfort to himself—this is exactly what he didn’t want, but at the same time… what was he expecting by saying that? “Why?”

"Out of context, yes, it sounds awful" he interjects before you could say anything more, or get angrier by that matter. "But first let me explain before you make a conclusion"

You frown, eyes darting towards an empty spot on the covers for a brief second, before going back to Naoaki and gesturing to him to continue. If you’d had a coin for every time he’d said something you deemed controversial, you’d have 2—which isn't much… but you’re astounded that it already happened twice.

Sensing that conflict, Naoaki ensues.

"The only reason I say this is not because the idea of you being with my brother, alone , thrills me, but rather, because…” he pauses, holding his breath before turning to you, eyes softening as he grabs your hands. “You don't know how terrifying it was to see you sick—I didn't know what was going on when it happened, you just suddenly started looking ill , and then, you disappeared. For a week . You say it was just your monthly visit, something that all women go through, and I can admit this isn’t my field to comment on but… I don’t think that’s normal. Less if it’s so painful to the point you can’t even get out of bed”

You look away.

Seeing it that way… you could understand where he was coming from.

But it still wasn’t convincing for you to accept Naoya’s “suggestion”...

"You were kept away from the rest of the world, and from what little you told me, I understood this was less painful than the last, but still bad” Naoaki pressed his lips together, caressing your knuckles with his thumb “Ah, I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but if there was a way to help you, to get a bit better… I would want you to take it"

"Even… if it's from Naoya?" you murmur, and he nods.

"I would've taken you if I could, you know that, Y/N." he reiterates, clasping your hand. 

He notices the slightest restraint coming from you when it comes to accepting his gesture, a reaction that has him sinking deeper into his guilt, yet, he doesn't backtrack, not… until you’ve heard what’s on his mind.

“But if I do I'll only be placing you in danger, the estate might even come to think I'm kidnapping you. And I don't want to expose you any more than you already are"

"And you think this won't compromise me? Going out with Naoya?” you interject “Did you forget what happened the last time I went out—" and then, suddenly stop. A stillness that has Naoaki furrowing his brow in concern.

You haven't told him of your death sentence, the reason why you went to the doctor in the first place…

"What happened?" He asks and you shake the horrible memories of that day from your head.

"It’s—nothing, we just got into an argument, nothing new." you whisper "But I don't want that, not again . I don't think I can take it anymore—"

"... I know" he murmurs, placing his head over your crown and kissing it. You relax against him. "I know. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. But… Please understand that your health is important, and that you shouldn’t be suffering for it— Don't let him take this away from you too"

If there was one thing that you could always count on Naoaki for, outside of his comfort, was his honesty..

As much as it hurts you to say… he was right . There was an unspoken concern from your side when it came to the mystery of your status; it had been so long since you had a professional check you up, were you even healed from those… wounds ? Or at least in a better condition? 

Your body was already in a fragile state hormonally, way before Naoya’s… defilement , and if you don't treat it the repercussions might be permanent—something you dread to even think of.

… All evidence was pointing into that direction. It’s so obvious that you should’ve taken this situation with a cold mind, not guided by your fear…

Thus, with much dejection, you accept that Naoaki's concerns were in the right place and effectively conclude that going to the doctor, instead of evading the subject, was the right course of action.

After your conversation with him is done, you immediately go back to your ladies’ room to relay to them your new decision, which was received with both frustration and annoyance (just as you expected) from them through various reasons: first, Naoaki’s persuasion—Hitomi being the main carrier of this sentiment, Haruko the immediate second. They felt as if he’d undone all that they carefully planned, a rightful sentiment to have given the circumstances.

And secondly, for his involvement. Here is where Mariya took the stage. 

She was beyond angry to hear that he’d essentially convinced you to change your mind, and to say that she did not like him was nothing new, but her emotions, however, didn’t solely pertain to this fact. They extended over to a circumstance which she would never admit out loud, and that is… she actually found herself agreeing with him, understanding what he meant.

Yes, him , of all people! Mariya couldn’t believe it! Did she hit her head without even noticing?!

But the recollection of your first period, your fourteen days of bleeding, and then your second one, where your case of nausea had been so frightening, that you couldn’t remain at your bed without a bucket on your side —and that’s without even counting your lack of appetite on both of them, as well as your constant pain and runs to the bathroom…— It was all concerning indeed.

Mariya did what she could with what she had and what she had to comply to, but she won’t deny that there were more moments where she wished she carried the authority to call for a doctor and put a direct end to your pains—it's common for a woman to go through these trials, but it should not disrupt your life to this extent!

It’s why she doesn’t have much more to say or contemplate once you’ve made your decision.

Why Mariya goes ahead to summon Naoya’s staff first thing in the morning and inform you that you are to accept his request. From there, all that was left to do was schedule a day for your departure, and prepare you accordingly for it.

Your prime lady-in-waiting could only imagine the wicked face the heir must’ve put upon hearing your decision.

And while she was right in some department, the one that considered Naoya to be elated to be with you once again, it wasn’t as devilish as she envisioned.

Naoya was more relieved than anything—for it was the first step of Ranta’s plan being set in motion.

Such was his excitement that as soon as he received news of your approval he ran towards the phone to schedule an appointment with the doctor, the same one as before, for the day after.

It was a rare opportunity that came after days of nothing but incertitude, and he was to be a fool if he didn’t make the best of it.

It was thrilling to think that he was going to be with you again, away from the unpleasant commentary of his family, your noisy staff—but most importantly, away from the bothersome presence of his brother.

He was finally going to be with you , and just you , how it always should’ve been.

Naoya almost feels regretful for having doubted Ranta at the very beginning, because after everything was said and done, he was right to assume that you’d agree to look past your emotional differences and form a truce with the purpose of tending your health, your worth , as his father would say— Your husband didn’t see it that way, of course, just one of the many things he saw differently from Naobito… although he was in agreement with the consternation both had when hearing of your condition, and made through your own volition, no less…

Well, that’s one (of the many) obstacles he hopes will iron out once the second part of Ranta’s plan comes into fruition.

«Once you take her to the doctor, and it’s determined that her health is in good condition, you can relay this to your father and you’ll see how everything will start to change! You have to fight bad news with good news, Naoya, you just… uh, gotta be persistent»

He’s never been one to care for the approval of his father, less when the elders had already set him to be the heir from a very young age, the highest recognition there is to get in the Zen’in clan, but if it’s for the sake of getting out of this dark pit of his despairs, and maybe, start anew with you… then he’ll do as he needs.

But as expected of Naoya’s thoughts, deprived of any sense of rationale and care for anyone outside himself, his mind began to thread him into another realm of delusional possibilities, away from your health, his father’s approval, and back to you… one that somehow makes him believe that the reason behind your acceptance, far from wanting to know where your condition stood (although by your staff’s fretting words, he can imagine it stands high up in the list of your priorities) is because… you wanted to see him .

Because why else would you suddenly agree to go out with him, after going to great lengths in imposing distance between the two, if that wasn’t the case?

It’s almost as if his desperation blinded him from the fact that he had seen his brother leave your room just nights ago—although this could also be an effect of Ranta’s persuasive words reminding him to not give up, at least until he’s wasted all resources, since there’s no stated actions between the two… yet.

Oh, but Naoya seems to be fated to never learn, and he’s going to remember such a thing when the day of your outing comes at dawn, first thing in the morning—no, earlier than that, you were cited to be there far earlier than the last time you went to the doctor by some strange reason…— as he makes way towards the entrance, where you and your ladies are already waiting for him… alongside a few extra members of the staff which desired to see the newest episode in the drama between the heir and his wife.

Naoya urge to demand their absence was great, but the image of Ranta in the corner of his eye sways him to stop and control himself—the day is just beginning, thus doing anything irrational so early in his plan will ruin any chances of “reconciliation”

Outside of that, he couldn’t keep his eyes off you: it had been so long since he’d last seen you, overall, and it had been far longer since he’d seen you wear an attire that didn’t relate to those of a domestic employee. 

For the occasion, your ladies dressed you up in a beautiful purple and blue kimono accompanied by a white obi that only highlighted the color combination—Naoya judges by the slight bulkiness he was able to perceive from your figure that you were appropriately warmed up for the day ahead, at least he doesn’t have to worry about that— from there, the second thing that caught his eye were the hair clips decorating your hair, —which was let down for the occasion, away from the tightness it seemed to be imbued in whenever you had to work around the house— ones that he vaguely recognize as one of the many wedding gifts you received at the reception, presumably from his family: purple butterfly clips of a similar shade of your kimono , giving you the regal look befitting of the wife of the heir.

And from there, your face. Regardless of the makeup that you donned, kept to the minimal and only to highlight your features, his attention was set somewhere else.

It had been… so long since he was this close to you, that he almost felt he had forgotten what your face looked like. 

No—of course not. He could never forget what the face of his beloved wife looked like, instead, his feeling seemed to be more of… having forgotten what your calming presence felt like.

You looked absolutely beautiful. But in all honesty, he can't recall a day where you weren't—for all things accounted, he guesses he shouldn’t be surprised as to why others naturally gravitated towards you, seeing you as a work of art worthy of admiration.

However, it didn’t mean he would be all but appreciative of the jealousy that came along with it, especially when it pertained to his oldest brother, who had done nothing more than intrude in the moments that were reserved for husband and wife.

His chest hurts just thinking about the possibility of you sharing that title with someone else, but his mind pushes it aside as he’s quick to reassure himself with Ranta’s words, yet again: This was only the beginning of the day, of the mission per se, and he’s never been one to give up before his opponents.

But as Naoya sunk deeper into his delusion, convincing himself of an ulterior motive behind your actions, the only thing you could worry about is answering the endless questions about your condition.

Did you still have those… wounds inside you? Will your period become worse over time? Was there perhaps any medication that you could take to hopefully quiet down your pains?

You doubt the doctor would be kind enough to help you that way, considering his comments and past behavior, but you've already lost so much as to not ask.

And last, but not least… Was there any way to know where you stood in the timeline of your fertility? The man had previously stated that the effects of the pills you were taking to control your cramps could take from weeks to months to disappear, the only reason you were on death row, as well as allowing you to live as long as you have, away from Naoya.

But if the doctor somehow managed to declare that you were ready to have a child… you could only shudder at the implications.

As it shall be given unto you, so shall it be taken away—you just hope that the gods find enough kindness in themselves to offer you the briefest of mercies… 

“Are you sure you want to go?” Mariya asks one last time, just to be sure, as she begins to walk you closer to your husband. “You still have time to back off, and we’ll be here to support you”

“No, I— I’m set on this decision” you say, looking at her as she grasps your hand, even if you were trembling at the prospect of leaving without them. 

“Think of it as getting something that needed to be done out of the way first” Hitomi attempts to console—there is truth behind her words, if you somehow managed to evade Naoya’s persuasion at first, he’d only find a way to insist once more… There were many things that just couldn’t be hidden under the sun forever when it came to you. Better now than later, she supposes. “Still… I can’t figure out what his intentions are behind this? Why… now ?”

“Let’s not speak of that while he’s here” Mariya hushes her once she believes Naoya to be within earshot. He seemed rather amicable that morning, better not mess it up. “Be brave, Y/N. We’ll be here, waiting for you”

“In fact, we won’t leave this place!�� Haruko chirps in, and her sister shakes her head. “Well, at least I will. I won’t be able to focus on anything else anyway”

“Don’t do that, Haruko” you chuckle “...I don’t want you to get into trouble with Meiko-san, or Junko-san for that matter”

“It’s not us you should worry about” Hitomi adds once she senses Naoya’s eyes to be on you once more. The mere thought of being in the same area as him is enough to sicken her, and frighten her as well… “Please… be careful”

“As careful as I can be” you murmur, stopping just a few feet away from your estranged husband, the moment you dreaded so much, finally here. “I’ll see you when I get back”

“And we’ll be here” Mariya nods “Be safe”

With that, your ladies took a step back and left you to your husband, whose golden eyes hadn’t peeled away from you from the moment you came closer to his eyeshot, but you wouldn’t know because yours was glued to the floor.

Something that he intends to rectify, because he… Well, he wants to see you.

“Y/N” He calls, but you do not respond. You don’t even lift your gaze to his, at least not the first time, still stuck on the rocky ground.

“ Y/N ” Naoya repeats sternly, careful enough to not appear angry because he doesn’t want to start off on the wrong foot (just as Ranta advised him), but strong enough to show he’s serious, and this is when you finally look up.

Your gaze is intense, heavy on him, and yet… he can’t shake the notion that you’re not looking at him, but rather, through him, before briefly returning to the same spot on the ground.

“Are you ready?” He asks in an attempt to catch your attention back to him, and maybe, hopefully , start a conversation.

And that’s what usually transpired back then, when he felt he had some semblance of control… or relevance in your mind. Probably what you would’ve done in this moment too, just to remain under his radar and avoid any find of instigation on your part, but something inside you pushes you past your boundaries of self-preservation to respond with the tone you felt he deserved to be referred with—the only one he merited, and the one that would set the tone for the rest of the day.

“I’m here, aren’t I? ”

Naoya swallows, taking the stinging sensation of your indifference to the chest as his eyes unwittingly dart to the approaching figure on the corner of his eye and the rumbling sound that follows—the car.

After a few seconds, the driver stops the car just a few feet away from the gates, setting the vehicle in park alongside the engine turned on before getting out of the vehicle and walking over to his master.

“The car is ready, sir” he says as Naoya glances over to the familiar black car, the same one he used to bring you from the ryokan the couple spent their “honeymoon” in, as well as take you to the doctor last time.

His mind wasn’t particularly anywhere when it came to the existence of the car, he trusted his staff to upkeep it in the best way possible. However, it was accumulating quite the mileage and the prospect of buying a new one was looming closer and closer as days went by—but who knows if that will ever come to happen, after all, he’s fallen out of grace with the elders, and just this outing had to be approved through loops and loops of justifications…

Up until now, this had been nothing more than a negative beginning, unwieldy steps of Ranta’s plan. 

Yet, even when everything seems to be against him, he doesn’t lose hope. He pushes through this obstacle as he moves onto the car, first heading towards the passenger side to open the door and gesturing to you to step inside, while waiting for you to do so after you’re done waving goodbye to your staff…

That is, until he inadvertently catches sight of an additional figure approaching the crowd, one that has him rattling his belief yet again as he sees your face somewhat lighten up at his presence: his brother .

Naoya tries his best to ignore his pain as you finally step into the car, deafening himself from the chattery crowd who have nothing to comment on Naoaki’s arrival as he closes your door and moves on to the driver’s side.

He opens the door, gets into the driver’s seat, and once fastened his seatbelt, he takes hold of the steering wheel to begin driving into their new destination—with such focus on the road… one would almost think he was trying to run away.

The car soon begins to fade into the horizon, getting further and further away until it’s no longer seen. And when that happens, the crowd dissipates to return to their duties.

Yet, your staff remains, even when no one was there anymore—nervously glancing at each other with trembling lips and sorrowful eyes as they silently prayed that the events of that hauntingly similar day… wouldn’t occur again.

[ratsalad]

love reading your house md thoughts. is there anything about the show you would change if you could?

the first thought that came to me: i'd change things so that wilson and cuddy weren't constantly trying to change house or tell him what to do re: his addiction when he so clearly wasn't ready to change.

this was a big issue for me throughout the show, because while i understand their frustration as people who love him and who don't want to see him suffer, they failed to see that the constant lecturing pushed house deeper into denial - as it often does to addicts when they're in the precontemplative stage.

what he really needed instead was support (not to be confused with enabling), acceptance and understanding of his choices - real understanding; the awareness that he is where he is right now and they can't change him. this doesn't mean they shouldn't speak up when he makes bad choices. frankly, they were fantastic friends - the only problem was that they didn't realize people don't come out of denial unless they realize it themselves.

but i can also see why wilson (if not cuddy - and only because i don't have as good a read on her as wilson) couldn't be this person for house - wilson's a fixer. he has to feel needed, so he gives people solutions to their problems - even problems they're not willing to admit to having.

house eventually did get out of precontemplative and into contemplative at the end of season 5 when he realized things were too far gone and he needed help - and good for him - but notice how he had to come to that realization himself. it really, really cannot work any other way. i speak from first hand experience.

i'm not sure if i can think of any Big Plot Things to change - the show's writing is far from perfect, but overall i'm satisfied with where they decided to go mostly. there are some things i'd change:

i wish cuddy respected house's disability more in earlier seasons;

i wish he wasn't referred to as an addict in earlier seasons when he was really just a guy in so much pain he developed a dependence (you can see how he might get defensive - and unwilling to recognize later on that he does have an addiction - when people were calling him an addict before he was even an addict);

the majority of season 8 felt like the equivalent of naruto filler episodes

while i do think house never got over the events of the season 7 finale i wish we'd seen him struggling with them at least a little while he was in prison. and i wish we'd seen cuddy at least once in season 8. at his funeral perhaps. feels wrong that she wasn't there

huddy in general. i don't know WHAT i'd change - maybe i wouldn't have teased the ship from, oh i don't know, SEASON 1 - i just know that it could've gone better. i'd have still broke them up, absolutely; but the way it ended (and even began, to an extent) in the show left me dissatisfied

lbr house escaping to some other country after running his car into huddy’s house was sort of ridiculous

house in actual band t-shirts

i'm not a fan of the whole selecting-my-employees-with-a-game-show format of season 4

more house wearing cozy-looking hoodies

my god they really ran out of plots for each episode around seasons 5/6/7. the medical stuff really dipped, too - i rewatched a few episodes from season 1 and the medicine was SO solid, leagues above the later seasons, not to mention other medical dramas: the nun with the copper T, the schizophrenic mom who wasn't schizophrenic at all, those were some of my favorite episodes, and they managed to simultaneously weave in those themes of human nature that's REALLY what this show's trying to get at. towards 5/6/7 i felt like these aspects got really messy.

more house chilling at home

that's kind of all i can think of right now! thanks for sending this in, it was very fun to answer. it's also very kind of you to say that about my house posts, especially because they (especially towards the end of the show) were more cyclic ruminations stemming from Real Actual worry/anxiety for house and some level of projection than true analysis. but thanks nevertheless, it's always gratifying to know that people have been reading them!

[kelleah-meah]

My Year-End/New Year Tarot Readings

I know it's already been a new year for a full week now, but as you can imagine, I've been a little busy trying to start the year on a good note. I'm not sure if I succeeded, but I did give it a shot.

Anyway, I did something a little different this year regarding my annual tarot reading to welcome in the new calendar. Instead of doing a New Year's reading on January 1st, I did one on December 31st in the evening.

Then I did another reading on January 2nd after I finished celebrating the new year with my usual first meal of the year tradition. Basically, after sleeping in on January 1st due to a late night before, I spent most of my morning preparing the meal, then relaxing, eating, writing in my journal, and making plans for the week.

So I kind of created a book-end tarot reading that helped me say goodbye to 2023, give me time to focus on myself on the first of the year, then say hello to 2024.

So here are the results of both of those readings. Because they are rather long, I'm just going to share the cards I pulled without my interpretations for now. This post is already pretty long, and I don't want to bore anyone anymore than I already have.

Here's the tarot spread I did on New Year's Eve (Sunday night), it's called the New Years Tarot Spread:

Now as usual, I changed the layout to fit my space, so here is what it looked like before I turned them over to read them:

And here is what the spread told me after I turned all the cards over:

Details about this reading ...

Opening Message from Spirit King of Pentacles

How to Best Achieve your Goals and Dreams The Moon

Actions to Take This Year 5 of Swords

Departing Energies (let go ...) Page of Cups

Main Theme of This Year Page of Pentacles

Future Opportunities & Energies King of Cups

Potential Obstacles & How to Overcome Them The Hierophant

Talents You'll Be Expressing This Year 10 of Wands

Parting Message (what to know about your year ahead) 8 of Pentacles

-----

The following day, I kind of focused on easing into the new year on January 1st. As I mentioned, it was a day filled with cooking, writing, chatting with my mom, and just ruminating on what lies ahead.

But after I recuperated on the 1st, on January 2nd, I started my day with this spread, which is called the New Year's Overview:

And here is what it told me, again the layout is adjusted for the space:

Here are the details of this reading ...

You & your vision for the new year 10 of Cups

Baggage to leave behind Ace of Cups

Wisdom from the old year to carry forward Ace of Swords

A resolution to make & stick to 4 of Pentacles

Future challenges & how to deal with them 10 of Wands

Hidden blessings coming to you Queen of Wands

How to foster healthier, loving relationships 6 of Wands

Who will you become by the end of the year King of Wands

How to make the most of the new year The Moon

____

Overall, I'm very happy with both of the readings. They both gave me a lot of food for thought, and I've already done another reading for Shadow Work purposes.

Of course, all of this is meant to help give me clarity, not necessarily to tell me what the future holds. Because at the end of the day, the final choices are mine and the world is constantly in flux, changing variables as we speak.

The only thing I know for certain is that 2024 is going to be one helluva year.

So here's to everyone having a better year than the last (unless you're a fascist, then I hope you get the help you need). Happy New Year and bring on the Year of the Dragon!

[muckmage]

how did you figure out you do like girls but dont like guys???? or. wait. I seem to remember an ask a while ago about whether it's girls or pussy that you like actually. I don't mind whatever genitals people got but I'm trying to figure out why I'm attracted to some people but not others and what the hell it has to do with and it's kind of confusing but I partly blame abigail thorn for the caution tape outfit in her latest video /lh

oh i've seen that thumbnail on my home page a few times now! haven't watched the video but it did look interesting, funnily enough that outfit didn't do anything for me like what it seems it did for you lmao, even though i do like girls like you said, anyway long post ahead

i don't think it's fair to say that i "figured out" i like girls but don't like guys, cause since i'm amab it was always the expectation that i'd eventually develop an interest in girls (and only girls) and that's what happened

but that's not to say i haven't ever thought about if there's anything more to my sexuality, like honestly i think i've thought about having sex with men way more than you'd expect from someone who doesn't want to have sex with men lmao

see, until i realised i was non-binary my friends would constantly insist that there was something queer about me, that i wasn't straight or cis or whatever, so i just wanted to know if there was anything i fancied about it and now i can say concretely that i don't feel comfortable doing any sex stuff with someone who has a penis and sadly i doubt i ever will

but of course it's not that simple, like i also just have this nebulous feeling of aversion to men in general when it comes to romantic and sexual stuff, and it's not that i don't like masculinity, masculine women can be hot as hell, it's more that there's just a lot of caveats when it comes to stuff like this; like sometimes i've come across femboys on here and i see them and think they're hot too, then i find out they're actually men and i sit there like huh well they're still hot but i know i wouldn't like doing anything with them, and when it comes to women it should almost go without saying that i'm not going to find each and every woman attractive either, whether it's because some have penises or more often they're just not my type

honestly each persons sexuality is like a fractal with how the closer you look the more complexities you'll find, even when it starts out as something so black and white as "i like women but not men", everyone has a myriad of preferences plenty of which they may not even be aware of themselves, i've only been talking about my own experience so far and you can see how much i've said, but i've had to hold myself back from saying even more

i think it's not something you should stress yourself out with trying to figure out, as long you treat people niceys, but i totally get wanting to know what's actually going on!! it's frustrating to have such a large part of yourself be a mystery to you, and while talking and having new experiences helps it's ultimately something you'll have to ruminate on to figure out for yourself, and it's definitely confusing so hopefully something i've said helps you out somehow :>

i will say that while it's up to you to decide what labels you think fit, also remember that the labels are totally made up! you don't need to strictly conform to a definition to use them, it's all vibes and silly putty over here, really