#i don't have anyone to really vent to
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You know one of the worst things about my health rn is that when I check back in to stuff I've done in the past, whether it's art or writing or role-playing, I just. "Wow! This is awesome. I don't remember half of this." Or when I had things going on and paused partway through..... I don't remember hardly ANY of the plans I had for fics. And while I've tried, I just. Genuinely Do Not Have the brainpower to be creative anymore. Literally just getting through the day without letting my malfunctioning flesh prison collapse to the ground takes up so much energy that the very concept of CREATING has just been impossible. And it fucking sucks because not only do I know other people miss my work, but *I* miss my work too. I miss being able to think about things without having to worry I'll be braindead the rest of the day. I miss having fun writing and making things, collaboration with others, and just having a blast writing self-indulgence nonsense.
Doesn't help that I keep getting people on ao3 asking me if I'm updating soon or, in one memorable case, some dude who thought it was appropriate to ask if "the covid got me". Like I've never much cared to force myself to update schedules but now I can't do anything at all about it and idk what to tell ppl. "Hey sorry I haven't updated in ages, the last year has been nothing but neurological bs screwing my body and mind around until I was literally incapable of working because collapses and an absolutely inability to focus. I zone out midsentence sometimes or forget LANGUAGE and things that I've known since toddlerhood. Memory blanks and just straight up memory loss have impacted my everyday life.... and lets not even BRING UP the hand tremors and muscle spasms that make it hard to use my own damned hands. Sorry about all that! IDK when the next updates will be because I'm at risk of dropping from a stroke at the ripe old age of 22" Like. I can't even talk to friends online as much as I want to because *having conversations* requires energy and focus and I cannot guarantee either
#venting#tw#idk what to tag this as just. don't read if you're in a bad spot#i don't have anyone to really vent to#other than my caretakers#and i do that enough as it is
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.~
#not a vent just a journal entry (feel free to scroll past; there is no snz here and this is also not that interesting)#realizing now that i never thought of myself as#someone whose absence would register to others in any other way than just neutral/detached recognition?#phrasing this really badly and i am truly going to delete this later bc it is embarrassing LOL#i think when i was young and posting all this fic into questionable places (the f*rum) i was like#(@ an unfinished work of mine) no way anyone could be bothered by these cliffhangers 👍 they can just imagine the ending#even though i would frequently be bothered by other people's cliffhangers. that exact same principle just wouldn't apply to me in my head#and when i did not respond to people i was like.. i'm sure i wasn't really an important part of their lives so they won't mind it#if i stepped away?#i never really entertained the concept of people missing me or looking forward to my responses 😭 i never thought of myself as someone worth#missing... so when i disappeared it was always with little to no sense of guilt. i think even now i struggle with#seeing myself as someone that inhabits like a tangible enough space in other people's lives that my absence would be felt#(and i don't mean that in a morbid way. and i do recognize that it's quite hypocritical)#on the flipside of things i frequently miss people and look forward to their responses. and sometimes i wonder like#do they all know? do they all know that i miss them because they somehow understand this aspect of human nature better than i do?#or are they in the dark like i am? are these things assumed or are they only known when they are said... 😭#i am a little bit of a coward so i am not saying anything (also because can you even say this kind of thing to someone??#i would probably die of embarrassment) but#how strange it is to have someone suddenly inhabit a space in your life that is substantial enough that#when they're gone you feel that space open up and you miss them#the few times in my life people have conveyed that sentiment to me i remember feeling puzzled that my presence could have that kind of#weight to them. i think my problem is that i purposefully do not read between the lines if the conclusion is something favorable towards me#because i don't want to bank on something good that might or might not be true 😭 anyways this is way too long already. if you read this#then good morning or goodnight
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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what
#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school#because i cant kick my parents out#and appartments cost money#and i dont have a car to sleep in#i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult#anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships#all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic#or to become a freelancer#i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently#but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago#incredibly good for my mental health as you can see#god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases#but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out#several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just#am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me#on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO#i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education#and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously#perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money#broadcasting my misery#vent
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ugh. some thoughts.
really been trying to find the joy in drawing/writing again and honestly it's been such a challenge. friends have told me it's most likely depression that's making it hard to feel motivated and tbh they're probably right.
hoping to get back into being creative in the way I Want to be at some point tho. I miss it. there's still so much with my stories and characters that I haven't been able to share or explain and I wish I knew how without it feeling like this daunting, impossible task.
I don't know when I'll get around to actually sharing art again (or writing, if ever). was hoping that I'd manage to get some of my mental and physical issues in check recently for just long enough to get back into the swing of being creative, but that hasn't seemed to work. everything feels bad, both artistically and physically. I'm struggling to keep up with the frantic pace at which my brain comes up with story concepts and intriguing character interactions, even tho everything in me wishes I could turn it into tangible artistic expression so I can get it out of my head and share it. it used to be easy. I don't know why it's not now.
I'm just . tired, I guess.
#spectre says#text post#negative#vent post#delete later#sorry#i probably shouldn't post this idk#tbh i know i've said this a million times but. even if i'm struggling to draw or whatever#i'm still open for asks. i want so badly to talk about my characters and the things i've been unable to explain through art#but i can't get my own thoughts together enough to know where to start with that in like. just a random post#and asks would be a great way for me to actually focus on one concept at a time based on whatever you guys are curious about#but i hate sounding like i'm begging for attention/interaction i just. genuinely don't know if anyone is interested otherwise#and if you guys do want to know more you HAVE to tell me directly#because vague forms of engagement are difficult for me to comprehend or read between the lines of#i can't read minds obviously ><;;#i know ask culture has changed a lot over the years tho and a lot of ppl don't like sending them out of being shy or whatever#which i understand#it's kind of an awkward form of engagement that no other site really has#so no pressure i'm just letting you know that I won't know if any of you guys are interested in learning more about my stuff#if i'm not told directly is all#anyway. tangent aside#its just been rough mentally my dudes. hopefully things clear up at some point and i won't feel so dead all the time#and actually have the mental clarity to continue drawing/writing like i used to again;;; God willing;;
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you can always tell the people who give social media advice who are naturally or conventionally attractive even without even having to look at a photo of them cause they're always the ones that recommend showing your face in reels or videos to promote your art and it's like,,, talk about pretty/skinny privilege lol
#it's one of those days folks#brb going on an extreme diet (jk but not really)#okay but really. all jokes aside Even if I WAS thin or lost a bunch of weight...#I'm still just fundamentally unattractive enough that I think i would lose insta followers if I showed my face in reels or posts 🥲#idk I know it's better for the algorithm but eh. i don't want to subject my subscribers to having to look at me lol#and I would wear makeup but I'm so bad at putting it on that I look worse with it on 😭😂#If i was good at make up i legit wouldn't leave the house without it#that said. i do have decent skin health 🤔 I get like. less than 1 pimple a year IF that. So that's something to be grateful for i suppose#but if a genie offered me a chance to be pretty for ONE day but in exchange I had to give up ALL my talents. interests. personality. etc#and i could never get those aspects of myself back for the rest of my life...#I would 100% take up that opportunity LOL 👍#anyway feel free to ignore me I'm not looking for compliments (I don't think anyone on here even knows what i look like?)#(which is by design lol and trust me. be grateful you don't have to look at my face haha)#I'm just venting into the void bc a mutual on insta did a reel where she showed her face and I was like#*shocked pikachu face* oh she's pretty#oh. oh so THAT's why i never should show my face. I'm pretty toad-like in comparison 😂
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I won't apologize for my disability, and I won't apologize for who I was when I didn't know how to take care of myself. If you think it was distressing for you, imagine how it felt to have my entire life shift in a direction I never expected.
Nobody anticipates being disabled. Or at least most people don't. And now I'm finally realizing I was never able bodied- And that's fucking hard to accept!
But hey, at least I'm finally starting to understand how to listen to my body, and how to handle myself in a way that works. That's what's most important to me.
Look out for yourself and your safety. Your ability to do things or not do things isn't your fault. People who blame you for them just shouldn't be in your life, full stop.
#tee talks#tees troubles#<- kinda#this is a happy vent really#also not aimed at anyone who has access to this account!!! Straight up don't worry#this is about people who have left my life years ago#and it's hard but I guess I'm finally recovering from those situations#I hope they are too#I guess#But more than anything I hope they get a taste of their own medicine. IDK. This is a ragw blog for a reason#rage**
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maybe I really need to get back into carbonated water. the latest addition to the local grocery store's bottled water selection has been quite good actually (sparkling peach and sparkling lime-lemon flavour) in those 3/4 liter "sports" bottles...
#maybe the carbonation will keep my senses entertained enough that i don't feel the need to stuff my face with food 24/7#also hydrationnnnnnnn so important#struggling with food again. if i' not super rigid with meal prep and portions and timing i go off the rails#i just don't feel really hungry or full. got no cues unless i'm in the beginning stages of starvation#and food is more of a sensory distraction thing to me i think arghhh which i HATE#i could do so many other more fun or productive things but then i get stuck in a snacking cycle#because of textures and mouth feel. so stupidddddd#could this be considered an e.d.?????? idek#just. food struggles a tale as old as time. have felt like this my entire life#vent#sorry i'l delete this post if it's too triggering to anyone#just had to ramble and be honest about my eternal struggle#could this be an autism thing too????? we just don't know!!!!!
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Self Portrait I drew in front of my mirror ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ
#art#drawing#doodle#artwork#illustration#sketch#self portrait#my art#sketchbook#sketchbook drawing#mirror drawing#pencil sketch#pencil illustration#self portrait drawing#portrait drawing#mechanical pencil#this would not be possible without my trusty 0.03mm mechanical pencil#ty graphgear#not sponsored I just enjoy the razor thin lines I get from my absurdly thin mech pencils#ew I probably sounded so gross and cheesy in this post#I swear I'm actually an emo bad bitch#Now that I posted this drawing I'm noticing all the little mistakes like the warping on my desk chair and how rushed the hair is lolololol#would you believe me if I told you that the most difficult part of this drawing aside from the arm was the sketchbook#I can easily falsify clothing folds and they don't have to be extremely accurate to still look believable#but godamn it was really hard for me to get the angle of the sketchbook and the loose paper in the back etc etc#This probably doesn't even look all that impressive to most and it may be cringe to be this happy with the result but what can you do#I doubt anyone will read these tags anyhow lolol this is just free vent space#oh and if you are reading these#thank you#also you just lost the game HAHA
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Hnngg
#im so stressed ughhhhh#this divorce is gonna end me man though im probably stressing out over nothing AGAIN#like tomorrow my dad's bringing some expert to the house to put a price on the house#and i literally have no idea whatever that's gonna be how we are gonna pay that shit lmaoo#also i just really don't wanna be there or be with them in the same house god i hate it when they're near each other#i am..... going through it more than i probably should since I'm an adult now n stuff but whatever#it's not like i can just stop feeling all this distress and grief n shit especially since he's already found a girlfriend#with kids and stuff and they've already been going to my grandparents ughhh i feel thrown away you know#it hasn't even been a year it's pissing me off so badly#i feel like killing myself every time i think about tomorrow and then I feel even worse when i think about later ughhh#i shouldn't be so distressed i really shouldn't#especially since I've been living my life on an incredible streak of luck so.#whateverrrrr#uhh like comment and subscribe#vent#i just gotta. cause there isn't anyone here i can really talk to since#everyone sees this so much more differently and sis is just always telling me im making it into something bigger than it is#but it's really stressing me out#idk i fear this is not gonna end nicely I don't even see him anymore#and it literally hasn't even been a year but he's not really talking to me but at the same time i don't really#feel like talking to him either so who knows uhh..
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Just a little vent thing, but man, self-promotion is hard and awkward and I hate it. And also it's frustrating that people are like "support small creators! Share their work! Join their Patreons!" but as soon as the small creator in question creates content about sexy stuff, well, never mind, I guess.
Like, I 100% get it! Sexy stuff is embarrassing! I know because I literally write it!
But it's so freaking hard to self-promote on an Internet that's increasingly hostile towards anything sexual anyway, and then it feels super awkward to be like "Hey by the way money? is a thing? it is good and helpful?", and the combination of everything is...well, it sure is something.
#yeah i have this sex blog by the way#it's got a patreon and stuff#idk#i'm not trying to blame anyone i have actually had a lot of kindness and support here on ye olde tumblr it's just really difficult generall#I also occasionally think about adding onto writeblr posts and stuff but I don't feel like the 'right' kind of writer so I....don't#my posts#vent#mine is a lonely path but at least it's a sexy lonely path
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#today's just been. A Day.#I have a wisdom tooth surgery tomorrow that I'm not looking forward too#and the bill for college came and holy shit it's expensive!!!#and there's a whole bunch of other stuff I need to pay for!!#like a haircut and my tattoo!!!#and the damaged bumper on my car!!#and I feel like I'm losing my friends#like I'm worried that I'm not actually friends with anyone anymore#like I've grown too far away from my high school friends but none of my college friends actually know me well#and I can't make anything anymore#I can't write and I can't draw and I just feel sick with myself#I feel like I'm such a natural disaster of a human being#I don't even really want to post this bc it's gonna feel like I'm fishing for attention#and maybe I am but like. idk. brain not good now#lea chatters#sorry for the rant I just needed to shout into thr void for a minute#vent post#lea vents
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#VENT#VENT TAGS AHEAD !!#so the job is...awful.#i applied for 20-25 hours#they asked if i could do 30#and now theyre pushing me into 40.#i didn't realize that when i agreed to 30 that was NOT binding (i should have known because it wasn't in my job offer. but i am 19 and--#ive never had a job offer letter before. even tho this is just retail)#and i can't adjust my availability for 90 days.#and since i put full availability expecting 25 hours max#now i have FULL 24/7 AVAILABILITY ON FILE for three months at least#and i have no idea what to do because this means i cant commit to any classes coming up for college#but ive been job hubting for months and barely got anything#and if i lose the job i have to move back in with my dad which is almost worse#whats wirse is my leader/boss is so mean. im not saying this lightly#i dont want to get into it but im barely a week in and he's made disrespectful and pushy comments towards me#has basically told me to stay late (which theoretically i cluld say no; but im still on my three months of 'we will fire you if we want to'#and like i said. need the job.#so he told me to stay late knowing i cant really say no#he's given me a frankly absurd amount of work (instock and i get carts filled woth 2-3x their max capacity unorganized and dangerously--#overloaded) and then he pushes me and snaps at me to get it done in an absurdly short timeframe while im still in TRAINING#im afab and present femme as i haven't transitioned irl and he is so ragingly sexist#he often just refers to me and the other girl being trained as 'girl' or 'that girl#and to top it all off#i took this job over a second interview at a place i really liked#because i thought the hours at this olace would be more consistent#nope! full time! surprise!!#and now im kicking myself so fucking hard over it. i feel like i fucked up so hard#and my friend i moved here with has been home for two months and will be this month so im just. alone. and i don't really have anyone to#turn to. im just so very stressed and tired and lonely
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Honestly the roleplay blogs are stronger than I am because if I saw a post where people were saying my blog was annoying and calling me corny I would jump in a large pit and rot away
#I don't think I should tag this one#Okay I've typed my emotions out. For a more normal way to put it: While it makes sense to be upset#best move. I'm sure the blogs in question would be happier if you just told them about the roleplay guidelines than if you made a post#where multiple people call them annoying. Like can you imagine if someone said that about a writing blog#'So sick of x reader fics in the tag I don't want to see that and they're all so out of character' What a dick move.#It is a different case with rp blogs I'll give you that. But I think the principle of the matter stands#unless it doesn't and everything I said is stupid#original ramble below I was so mad for some reason. im not mad at anyone really. everyone is cool. love you guys#I get why people are unhappy that theyre clogging up the tags#like despiar dev said not to and people want to see content of despiar thyme not just ask blogs#I saw someone say they just blocked them and like. I get why. however. people do not know everything#but my brother in Christ you're not helping the matter!!!!!!!!1 send them a screenshot of what despiar dev said!!!!help other people!!!!!!!#just politely tell them instead of weirdly vague posting it helps everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! maybe they just don't know#misspelling the tags so no one finds this post. I will actually be so pissed if people find this and r upset#Oh I'm sorry THIS is the post you're noticing? You have followed me for over six months and you haven't said anything about any other negat#negative feelings i've expressed. I see how it is#I wish the drdt confessions account was still open but whatever fucking whatever#sui mention#personal vent#whatever I guess
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#𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 ⠀⠀(⠀ⅰ.⠀)⠀⠀𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑:⠀⠀ಇ⠀⠀oh-kae!#cw negative#tw negative#cw vent#tw vent#tagging this for people who don't want this kind of negative content on their feeds!#remember to protect urself first.#and i'll keep this super vague not to be like . . dramatic? but just because i only need to get this off my chest.#but i need to vent so badly because i'm reaching a breaking point. i can /feel/ the anxiety building up in my throat.#i've been 10000 % vibing on my own and really comfy here! i've been loud n' proud about that.#but ever since i've been active here it feels like old issues are rising up and it feels like borderline harrassment.#like. under the radar.#i know this isn't anything anyone is going to have noticed or seen or anything.#but talking with friends who do notice and stuff. i just hit a bad point all of a sudden.#i'm not going to openly talk about problems here on the dash of course.#but drags my hands down my face. i just want to do my own thing man.#i have more time to be here now that school is done for a couple months & i just wanna enjoy it to the fullest hah#i'm finally back into enjoying ahri the way i used to!#but. i dunno. i might bury my head into my inbox & retreat into some video games or something.#i don't really need reassurance or affirmations because this isn't a pity post or anything.#i feel validated by the amazing friends and interactions i get here as is! so thank you to all of you. seriously. ily#but good lord.#i dunno i just wanted to vent and i will delete this later.
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just stupid rambles, vent
i just realized that I envy most of my mutuals, like Sopa, Sid, Fonosai...don't get me wrong. I love them a lot, I love their artworks and creativity, they absolutely deserve all the love they receive...but I can't help but want this recognition. I know that they made hard work to receive that, I know thinking that way is egotistical, i know that I maybe don't even deserve what I have now, but I just want to be noticed. I don't want to be forgotten in the depths of the internet. I'm just a stupid child with issues, and who wants nothing more but to be noticed. I need to work harder but I just can't. I'm already on the verge of.. I don't even know. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. I don't.
upd: and especially i want to be noticed by my mutuals. I really need their... I don't know. attention? but I always got really happy when one of my mutuals likes my post or reblogs it, I can't help but feel...appreciated?
#im sorry for being stupid unstable child#i really need to vent but i don't have anyone whom i can talk to#i just dont know where to go with that thoughts#aaaaaaaaaa#shithust#hustalkshit
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starting to feel a little bit weird about me
#starting to is such a lie it's been here#i just idk#i wish it was easier to tell anyone about being nb like it's not that i think my friends wouldn't be supportive or accepting#it's just like i don't like the attention or having to actually voice who i am#and a lot of my friends aren't queer either so it's like oh look another thing to make me different and feel out of place#even tho i already do every time she/her pronouns are used idk#i don't viscerally hate it but i don't really like it but it's just how it is#venting#sorry i shall Stop venting#pride month just gets me thinking about it a lot more idk
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