#i feel like ive become close with people only now... and now its gonna be over?

[jonny-b-meowborn]

Dude I miss the feeling of being in love. Like no one ever loved me back and I've never been in a relationship, so I can't miss that, and while I'd love to date someone, I just really miss the feeling of having a crush on someone

[invece-sto-sdraiato]

woah addie you should probably never speak to a guy again

it feels like only now that im kinda being open with people but its about to be over. Yes. Like my friend said, it just went past so soon. How the fuck am I supposed to interact with new people in about few months?

but. but. it's funny how every time (and i mean every time) I open up to a guy, it always backfires. It's not funny, its just depressing really. Well even if sometimes the guy in question actually listens to what I'm saying. I mean, why does it have to happen every freaking time? And then we don't really speak again and its awkward and I'm embarrassed about revealing personal things to random guys. I always end up regretting it. I very well know that I'm desperate to be close to guys (and that's because I never really interacted with guys a lot), when all I'm doing is giving them an impression that I am in fact desperate for affection and attention, and that I'm a pathetic mess. Which I most definitely am. I could've stuck to the friends I know, the small group (of girls) that I have, but no. I will find the newest crush or 'guy friend' that I assume actually respects me as a person, and I will dump all my trauma and depression on them. All that for them to just go, "hey addie didn't expect this from you, it's fine. Just don't think too much about it. Leave it" Yes the best advice ever. For this I could've spent my time with people who actually cared about me. Instead I'm only pushing them all away. Under the presumption that they won't understand what I'm going through. Yes as if these absolute strangers do.

What's the end result? I hate myself even more. And I don't even talk to their fucking faces. I text those dipshits. Most of them never even read my texts. And if I want to talk face to face, there's always an excuse.

The burning question remains, why am I always chasing a new friendship? Or if you could even call it that. Why am I always after guys who don't even give a single thought about me? And I will go as far as I can to explain meticulously to them that they've hurt me, only for them to go, "oh I'm sorry I didn't intend to be that way. I'm just stupid and I didn't think about what I was saying/doing, I'm sorry" And then radio silence.

I'm just so fucking tired of having to go through a hundred emotions at once, taking everything and everyone personally, while lot of people around me just glide through life without a single thought ever about what an impact they're leaving on me (or anyone, if I include recent events) why do I have to be like this? Why can't I be carefree and happy as the rest of them? Why can't I brush off things or take them lightly?

well if anyone actually read through this, I'm sorry this came up on your dashboard. but I just had to get it out. Otherwise I'll be having another mental breakdown (I seem to be having quite a lot of those nowadays)

And I realize this puts me in a bad light. Yes, but it's time for me to admit that I'm desperate for a deep connection. Like really I am. I do keep telling myself that I haven't found the right person yet to confide in, so what do I do? Confide in absolutely anyone who would listen. So. I don't know what to say after this.

so... ummm bye

[hobisstar]

What are you hiding from love?| Yandere!Jk x Reader V Last Part

Summary: Being in a relationship with Jungkook you’ve always noticed the signs, the red flags if you will. Being so in love with him you ignored them, until the people you loved dearly started disappearing one by one.

Warnings: Murder, Jungkook victim blaming ( like he will say i killed you because you are too stupid or whatever), Possessiveness, Mentions of Smut, Controlling, Locking up YN.

Taglist: vante 🫶🏾

A/N: This is made to be scary! That is all. I honestly dont like mixing smut with yandere because i read yandere fics to be spooked not horny lol. This has been absolutely fun to write for you guys! Im so happy how much love it had gotten over the past month since ive been writing it! I love you all so so much! Enjoy!

Its been about two years since Jungkook decided to let yn go on her own! So far, yn has become the owner of the coffee shop, has opened up plenty of them across Asia and plans to open some in The Untied States.

Life has been looking absolutely beautiful for yn! But heres the thing.

Bodies have been discovered. Fresh bodies. Of course going through what she went through with Jungkook, she feared that this was his doing. That the so called hobby has now reached the news channels. Though it says that the crimes has been in only England, it was still capability of it being Jungkook.

“Yn! Are you even listening? Im telling you Namjoon wants to take you on a date!” Joy, yns now close friend that she has gained from opening the coffee shops.

“Sorry, but i dont think im ready to date. The last guy was for 5 years and it didn’t turn out well in the end.” Yn mumbled looking over at the tv that was on the crime scene of the killings.

But what was showed, made yns blood run cold.

What was at the crime scene was dandelions.

The flowers that Jungkook always used to gift her on days he felt like we did something wrong. He would cut the steam off and just leave the flowers to never be able to grow again.

Was he…back?

It was closing time and of course yn being the owner, she decided that it was her duty to close every single night.

But tonight, she couldnt shake the feeling that she was being watched.

As everyone was leaving she saw a guy with a big hoodie on taking his time to clean up his mess on the table. Putting his crumbs inside a napkin then taking the napkin and closing it tightly then throwing it out.

yn watched from behind the counter taking containers from the counter and putting them on the shelf behind her.

This mysterious guy has been coming in everyday. Same time. She never serves him but she knows Joy does and she hates serving him. ‘His glare, it can kill.’ She would say when describing the eyes of this mysterious man.

While cleaning she saw the guy get up and come up to the counter.

Face mask on and glasses… sun glasses.

Its night time.

Maybe it was a fashion statement. Thats what yn left it as. “ Hi sorry we are about to close soon so im gonna have to ask you to leave..” is what she was aiming to say but once she turned around she saw he just left a napkin with hand writing on it.

She grabbed it and began to read it:

“Hi baby! Oh its been such a long time, oh how i miss you. Our child also misses you. 2 years right? That is let you go? Ah, I remember something. Today is our anniversary! Our now 7 year anniversary. Im picking you up at 11! Be ready!

JJK,”

Yn was at this point shaking. Fear took over her body but was trying to hide it. She wasnt doing such a good job at that. As much as she wanted to call the cops, get him arrested, she knew that those cops had no chance in trying to get Jungkook.

Hed kill them all in the blink of an if he even knew that they talked to yn.

When yn got home she didnt let the fact go that when she got there she obviously saw Jungkooks car right outside her town house.

Mind you this is the 5th time this year she has moved. None of the reasons dealing with Kook but they definitely where personal reasons.

She braced herself, once she goes inside her home, Jungkook will be inside.

She could call the cops and run away from home then go to Jins house.

Actually now that Yn thought about it, what if Jin had something to do with it? He was always to calm for her liking honestly. Why was he always just so calm with him? I mean he explained it yes, hes seen it for so many years but why didnt he at least call the cops? Then again was the cops really gonna help him?

Entering the home, it felt like deja vu. Coming home on anniversary and Jungkook was cooking their favorite shared dish.

Spaghetti! Yn liked it because it was delicious and Jungkook probably like it because it reminded him of blood.

“My love! You are right on time! The Spaghetti is hot and ready to be platted. Get comfortable and come eat”

He didn’t need to turn around for yn to know that it was actually him. He colored his tattoos, became more swoll and also cut his long hair.

Yn didnt change anything or didnt get comfortable since this was all just too much for her.

‘Keep calm and go with his plan, yn.’ Thats all she kept telling herself.

Though what was his plan? Drug her? Kill her?

Well, none of those. He wanted her back. If that meant living in this house with her, then so be it. Jin had Bam so, they’d have plenty of time together.

Finally he sat down with two plates of spaghetti and there he was in all his glory.

He had the cockiest smirk while toying with his now new lip ring before sitting down across from yn.

“ Fucking finally, i have you again.”

[suffarustuffaru]

im back on my reinhard/julius agenda but hear me out okay.

au where they become friends much sooner. childhood friends au.

julius’s whole world shakes when he goes to the knighting ceremony for children of noble knighting houses and he sees reinhard there—reinhard, whos powerful and Amazing and intimidating and it makes julius realize that hes far behind reinhard. it makes julius realize that he has to work harder to reach reinhards level of skill and power. but hes all starry-eyed, and he manages to catch reinhard after the ceremony and starts excitedly talking reinhards head off because reinhard is just so—awe inspiring—and ten-year-old julius at this point has way less filter and impulse control so why shouldnt he try and get close with reinhard of all people?

meanwhile reinhard is even more depressed after recently being 1. officially knighted and 2. officially given the “van” title and 3. his dad is gradually getting worse and he feels like its his fault, but julius is the first person around his age that actually shows interest in befriending him, so reinhard is just awkwardly going along with it because he doesnt want to chase julius away. hes super SUPER eager to finally have a friend. thats what they are right?? hopefully?? and reinhard is desperately holding onto this because yeah, julius likely wont like him anymore real soon, but itll be good while it lasts right?? he doesnt even mind that julius keeps asking questions about knighthood and training, because everyone does that anyway, so reinhard offers to help train julius and BAM they are now gonna meet regularly 👍

joshua meanwhile is Suffering even more than he already was because not only did julius develop an infatuation with reinhard, joshua also—like in canon yeah—faints during the knighting ceremony because FUCK I CANT LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH JULIUS IF HES GONNA BECOME FIXATED ON REINHARD AND LEAVE ME BEHIND AND ALSO I HATE REINHARD AND JULIUS FOR BEING SO PERFECT, and then joshuas worst nightmare becomes true because reinhard notices this and offers to help joshua and julius home, and julius accepts of course, and joshua wakes up to reinhard and julius being buddy buddy and then reinhard starts visiting the juukulius mansion regularly so joshua is absolutely SEETHING. SEETHING.

anyway reinhards regular visits go great 👍 all he has to do is walk (Travel At Extremely Extremely Fast Speeds) to julius’s house and back 👍👍 and it doesnt take much time for julius to get out his favorite books and info dump excitedly to reinhard because reinhard of course will listen to all of this and feel all warm inside because 1. oh are we friends now? 🥺 and 2. aw julius is so passionate about this 🥰 but then it takes a turn because of course julius has his hero worship with REID ASTREA. theres a tappei qna that confirms that reinhard Knows what reid was like, and if reinhard knows that at this point, he just sits there awkwardly while julius goes on and on about how cool and awesome reid was.

reinhard then has to decide whether to break the news to julius or not, but given how in canon julius didnt know what reid was like until he actually met reid, reinhard probably didnt tell him if reinhard knew at that point. so little eight year old reinhard sits there and goes “aha yeah… reid… what an interesting person…” which then turns the subject to reinhards family, which then leads into some talk about julius’s family too—but while julius is more likely to open up a tiny bit, reinhard is more like “my father is a good person who tries his best 🙂” and julius is like “i hear that hes. kind of not. but ill take your word for it i guess haha i mean IVE never met the guy” (he recognizes reinhard getting Upset about this subject) and reinhard is like “my father is a good person yes 🙂”

meanwhile alviero juukulius is very aware of all those nasty rumors about heinkel astrea and the astreas in general and alviero is Very Aware about his nephew/adopted son’s budding friendship with reinhard, who now regularly shows up to the mansion via Speed Walking, but alviero is like. well reinhard is a very well meaning child, i just hope no drama comes out of this haha.

anyway one day little ten year old julius with his Reduced filter and impulse control (tappei has said that younger julius was a Bit of a troublemaker) goes “reinhard you should sleep over at my house please 🥺 and maybe we should sneak out of my house past curfew and go on an adventure or something lol” and reinhard is like going ??? because of course breaking rules almost never occurs to him and the idea of breaking one makes him anxious. but julius is like “cmooon please 🥺🥺 itll be fun 🥺🥺 we’ll be out and back here so fast, no ones gonna know, itll just be us 🥺🥺” and reinhard of course 1. cant say no and 2. julius would be very happy if he agreed, so he goes along with it. they go have fun they have some kind of adventure and for a moment reinhard forgets all about all the Various Pressures he is under <3

and then they go back to julius’s house and alviero is waiting there casually like “snuck out again julius? *insert exasperated sigh*” and reinhard FREEZES UP hes like “oh sir ahah its not julius’s fault. it was all my idea actually. all mine. i dragged him along with me. you should punish me instead. im really really sorry i broke the rules sir” because he’s afraid julius will REALLY get in trouble. and julius and alviero stare at reinhard like he grew another head because “jesus christ its not that deep, youre not in That much trouble. im just gonna like ground julius for a bit, its not like im gonna. kill him. or anything.” and also “JESUS CHRIST YOU ARE NOT OKAY??”

anyway yeah reinhard is a very welcome visitor to the juukulius mansion (unless youre joshua) but every time he goes home, carol and grimm help make sure reinhard’s visits arent noticed. but. well. one day heinkel will notice. its inevitable, especially when eventually reinhard and julius will officially join the knights together. and heinkel will probably give this nasty little laugh and go “well. have fun while that lasts.”

and it doesnt last.

[volatilechemicalz]

👁️👁️?

hi aureo that was fast . anyway explanation under the cut woo

its kinda fuzzy in my head since ive only had this idea for two days including today so . but basically theres magic in the world that this takes place in (side tangent that isnt totally important but im gonna talk about how it works now if you dgaf skip to the plot stuff) its mostly not demonized/hated/feared/whatever cause i dont feel like it . anyway basically the energy needed is inside of your blood so whenever you use it it draws it out of you in some way (depends on what its used for) or you can draw it out yourself (bloodletting) and depending on how strong the spell you're doing is a certain amount of blood will be needed which causes !! a lot of problems for magic users . also its not like . a lineage thing anyone can learn how to do it because another part of how it works is making bonds/pacts with spirits that hold power over certain things and the blood is like . the offering also and you can either use incantations of sorts to do spells or just command things that youve borrowed power over also if your family has a pact with a spirit you are automatically in that also

vey end up going into the center of the woods and there's a grave in the clearing so vey go to it and make a blood offering assuming that this is the correct place (<- its not . oops) which ends up pissing off the spirit there because they do not have a pact together so vey are Not supposed to do that . it ends up pissing the spirit off more by admitting that it thought this was the correct place to be for a different spirit who was apparently not even close to here . who knew (everyone except erika) . the spirit ends up laying a curse on nem as its one of those angry and restless ones + got angered further . the spirit explains that somewhere in their body the seed of the plant that fits them best will start growing inside of them at a random place and slowly kill them by taking all of their energy and eventually spread out of them and essentially take over their body . they don't say if there's any way to cure/get rid of and it doesn't really sound like there is . they also say that when ey're at eir deathbed ey'll drag eir body back to this very spot and become part of the forest in the same way the spirit is . (sorry i keep saying "the spirit" i know it sounds kinda weird but i havent named them yet) (also ihave sooosososo many thoughts about how this would work so . maybe another time but if you wanna hear me go insane ask)

(other side tangent) also the way that the spirits work is that if you're connected to something deeply throughout life and your death is also connected to that thing (ex you have a connection to oceans/lakes/rivers your entire life and then you drown and die) you become bound to it spiritually and it becomes literally a part of you which means you have command over it kinda (does any of this make sense . idk) but it sucks a lot because the thing draws out your energy after death to fuel your ability cause like i said earlier spells require energy n shit but you also gain the ability to share your ability with others which relieves it a little since the burden isnt all on you BUT some spirits are angrier and curse anyone who steps foot near the area where they died . also their abilities and people who have deals with them's powers are amplified in the death area

ANYWAY actual plot time . the protagonists name is erika/erik (goes by both) (any pronouns but mostly uses neos) and ney're part of a family that has a pact (<- i think im going with that as for what ill call these) with some sort of plant spirit ney aren't sure which one though ney didnt pay much attention to the explanation of it all . it doesnt care too much about its lineage its more interested in biology and anatomy related things (<- woaww title reference) and also salamanders . its not story important but ve really likes salamanders . anyway x2 nix is somewhere in nixs early 20s and lives alone in an apartment planning on going to college soon but is putting it off . probably works a shitty 9-5 that it hates idk . very tired guything . theyre kinda bored and start thinking about their abilities and general ineptitude with it and decide that they'll go to the forest that their pact spirit dwells in to feel more connected to it or whatever . ey didn't really plan things through a lot . It makes a small bag with some supplies in it just in case and goes to the place that it thinks is the correct one but ends up being wrong and ends up in a very large forest . paragraph break because this one's getting long

obviously it freaks the fuck out about this and ends up running veryvery far away from the clearing and ends up collapsing somewhere because its really fucking tired . in the morning to nix's surprise nothing happened to nix in that time . anyway first thing he does is take out a diagram of the human body that was in one of the notebooks that he took with him and starts drawing out what the curse might look like on the inside . (which is also kinda where the name of the story comes from)

hey remember how i said energy needed for spells lay inside someone's blood . and how the plants will sap off of the person's energy and therefore blood . and how erik's family has a pact with a plant spirt . hey do you think that might be just a little important -

so anyway she tries to find her way back but fails miserably because the one thing she happened to forget was a map of any kind so now she's stuck in a forest with a deadly curse and no idea how to fix herself. they frantically walk through the forest and end up finding a village filled with totally normal people yayyy . anyway when they get there they say that they got lost in the woods and need a place to stay until they figure stuff out . oddly enough someone agrees to house them for a bit . The people of the town are incessant with questions, particularly about if they've encountered the spirit . on impulse he lies saying that he didnt which totally wont bite him in the ass later i mean who said that . anyway thats basically the plot theres more but this is already long as fuck and i dont feel like typing anymore idk how much of this makes sense but whateverrr im sleepy n sickly (<- has a cold) so . yeah hope you like it :]]

[seeminglydark]

i can't remember if you've answered this before (i feel like you probably have but i don't really know how to check): how does Johnny break in his boots? or does he just wear the shit out of them until they're broken in on their own?

I have not! so as a kid i think he would have worn the shit out of them until they broke in on their own or used the hammer towel method (hope you got a lot of heel bandaids available johnny boy!) though to be honest, i have these art pieces where hes a teen wearing docs, and im really not sure how he'd canonically even get a pair of docs, you know chief o'sullivan would never have bought him 100+ dollar boots so thats either a gift from Caro, friends, or not canon. truthfully he'd probably have worn general issue black combat boots he got at the local thrift store in his teens.

older john would be aware there are easier ways to break in a pair of leather boots without killing your feet completely, he'd resort to the tried and true way condition your leather and wear double thick socks, and occasionally apply gentle heat (hair dryer method) or toss em in the freezer.

i guess heres another Punk Rock Fact for you-

its best to wear 2 layers of thick socks, your docs /boots should be a bit snug when you buy them, cuz leather stretches and they will end up too loose if you size up (this is also why its not always great to buy leather shoes or boots from the thrift, theyve already molded to other peoples feet and can hurt and fit you very wrong!)! two socks helps protect your feets and push against the boots.

wear them around the house for a few days with your double socks to loosen up the leather, take em off when it starts hurting and extend the time every day. stuff newspaper in em when youre not wearing them if you want to help them maintain stretch. keep those bandaids and heel blister plasters close by.

so the two ways to make it happen a little bit fast is heat or cold. so for heat what you wanna do is get some leather balm (hate to shill a product but doc martens wonderbalm is actually super nice. mink oil works too.) set that aside and put on your biggest fattest socks or double layer, throw your boots on and lace em up real tight. yeah its not gonna feel good. thats ok, youll live probably. now take a hair dryer on its lowest setting and VERY GENTLY and not too close to your boot, heat all the surfaces with it for about 30 seconds per spot (but continuously move the hair dryer). dont do this for to long and only do it once or twice, you dont wanna damage the glue but the heat will help the leather become more supple and stretch faster. leave the boots and and walk around your house again, stretching them out, bending your feet, stand on your tiptoes etc. after they cool, apply the wonderbalm as per instruction to protect the leather.

and finally the freezer method, i use this mostly if my leather shoes or boots are a bit too snug still. fill a heavy duty ziplock bag about halfway with water and make sure its sealed really tight with no air inside. stick the bag in your boots, trust me on this, and throw em in the freezer over night. SCIENCE IS FUN ice expands, take em out the next day and let em defrost and voila. the leather has stretched and softened because of the expanding ice.

basically, take care of your leather! lots of conditioner and wear them gently. if you've got your own tried or true methods, let me know, im old and this is what ive always done, so id love to learn new ways!

[wishful-seeker]

I will soon be the only person in my close family to not finish college because illness forced me to leave, and thats a strange feeling. Im not sure how i feel about it.

I feel a little alienated because of it, but even though i LOVE learning and i enjoyed college classes, i didn't enjoy college itself.

Even in high school i was the "sick kid" and missed a year there, so feeling like i don't belong isn't new.

But i really thought I'd meet people like me in college, but all i found was snobby rich kids that ignored my existence. I genuinely tried making friends but college students are not my type of people.

I don't know if this is because i wore braces on my knees, or because they could tell i was poor, not sure but college kids always gave me bad vibes.

Im sad that the things im truly passionate about isn't taught in college, and i miss the classes i did have, but i don't think a fancy college was ever my scene. Maybe i would've fit better at a community college. But im probably too disabled to ever find out.

Idk i guess it feels strange because i was heavily encouraged to go to college, and now i can't even if i wanted to. Its weird that i could probably guess the view outsiders have of my life, how they'd feel bad for me, or laugh at what I've become.

And i think of that a lot: how outsiders may view my life. "Oh so sad, look how far she's fallen." Ya know

But im happy

I LIKE my life, sure i got all As and Bs in college, sure i won a writing contest in my class, and yes i also completed a triathlon before all this. So many medals saying "look how hard i worked, look what i accomplished" but when i was accomplishing those trival things i was really lost and alone on the inside, those medals were to convince myself i was better than the years before this one, a lie that i was becoming my best self.

But now all that shit is gone, dead, useless to me. Eventually i was left alone, with NO distractions, only my mind and a body i couldn't move in. Only a bed, in a room, no where else to go. Everything i thought that mattered, everything i connected my worth with, suddenly didn't mean anything anymore, because all that was was my chronic pain, and what i did with it. All that mattered now was fighting for a better life, for freedom from a bed, for freedom within my head.

I had to rebuild myself from nothing, i had to literally rewire my brain. I studied neuroplasticity and my only goal was to train my brain to be able to live with this pain. And i had to change a LOT. I can tell you my mind and the internal dialog in my head is completely different from 2 years ago, and also much a much kinder, and safer place.

So no, i won't finish college, im gonna be poor forever, i wont work, but i am much happier.

I finally feel like the best version of myself. The challenges i face in my life are no longer overwhelming, but a cycle ive grown rather fond of. Im so secure with myself that i can say "this next hardship will be good for me." And i don't think many people have the privilege of being that optimistic when faced with stressful situations.

It would have taken me my whole life to get to this point if i was still focusing on things like grades.

Im happy, and im more proud of myself than when i beat a triathlon, or won art contests.

[vaguely-yandere]

BROOOOOO girly yandere has my entire heart and i <3 them

Imagine girly yandere with a darling who goes along with girlys touchy feeliness, they’re just as affectionate! Always calling girly yandere their wifey, sometimes just holding their hand “just cause”, being comfortable enough to hug and maybe even sit on yanderes lap out in public with no worries cause hey! This is their bff, ofc they’re ok with it!

(Meanwhile Girly yandere is just absolutely eating up all this attention. Regardless of what darling thinks, girly sees this as darling claiming them so that means darling and girly are off limits! Especially darling, or else)

Carrying around cutesy bandaids for those “mysterious” cuts and scratches girly yandere gets sometimes! Cheerleading practice maybe, darling knows girly always pushes themselves out there. Always going to yanderes games, girly yandere and their team works so hard afterall! Maybe Girly yandere getting a little aggro and possessive when their teammates get a little too close for yanderes comfort.

(Darling is THEIRS and everyone knows that, EVERYONE)

Maybe darling is just kinda like that with everyone!!! They dont see what they do as romantic in anyway, but lately, it seems everyone has become aversive to darlings affection! It hurts darlings feelings when people they used to be able to hug and hold hands with and just be comfortable suddenly turn cold and practically bolt when darling lays a hand on them! But its alright, girly yandere doesn’t act like that! You can keep all your snuggles and affection for them

(Like how its SUPPOSED to be darling<3)

ANON IM GONNA KISS YOU!!!!!! ive been WAITING for someone else to be just as obsessed with more 'fem' yanderes!!!!!!

CW: graphic depictions of gore, violence and car crashes

sure, seeing you cry in their arms is hard, especially when you dont know why everyone is avoiding you and you go from everyones friends to just girly yan's but fuck, its so worth it to have you asleep in their arms, body pressed against theirs, face a little puffy from all your crying. (poor thing.. dont worry love, you just need me..)

its worth it to see you direct all of your loving attention towards them, to see you stop talking to all of those pathetic losers and to finally realize theyre all you need! just them! sure, its hard work maintaining this. every talk to a young athlete? theyre so arrogant, thinking theyre on top of the world, the strongest person in any room! the one that can do anything! so when girly yan, a 'measly' cheerleader threatens them, obviously they just roll their eyes and keep trying to talk to you, ignoring the way their skin prickles and the back of their necks go cold when girl yan glares at them.

so, all girly yan needs to do is show them their place, which is away from you and below them. maybe they'll spread rumors and get them expelled but thats only if the athlete stays on their semi good side. if the athlete goes out of their way to irritate girly yan? i already see the two racing, hearts pounding, screams ripping through their throats before girly yan wins and bludgeons them.

now, girly yan is a monster when theyre pissed! their kills are very... violent and overkill. they forgo simple weapons like a knife or gun and goes for anything that requires whole body use. axes, baseball bats, hatchets, rocks, anything that helps her release some of their pent up anger and after theyre dead, they'll keep going. hitting them over and over again, usually focusing on the head (if they still have one at this point, hehe!) or on their arms. usually their victims are barely identifiable, nothing but bits and blood, almost always having to be ID'd by dental records from the pure brutality and good luck with getting the cops to investigate, the head of police is their parent! besides, its a small town, probably just a drifter! (don't worry darling, i'll protect you!!)

and i love seeing girly yan quietly singing to Dolly Parton or some other country girl music while cleaning themselves up, watching blood go down the drain, hair up in a towel as they wash their face with facial cleanser, going about a normal girly night routine but with blood stains in the shower, a hand print or several around door knobs, clothes and shoes sitting in the hamper for tomorrow. its just so... horrific!!! <333 normalcy with some horror!!! we always see other peoples skincare routines, what they do as they get ready to sleep and recharge for tomorrow, how they go about their routine, their ritual with such ease, confidence, habit! how scary is it to imagine someone going through their ritual with a bloody axe sitting in their shower?! or self defense wounds covering their arms or blood under their nails!! just the subtly (and not so subtle signs) that something horrible went down!!! like the horrifying feeling of seeing someone get hit by a car, that singular bone chilling moment of seeing their skull hit the hood, see their body bend at impossible angles, the second you feel your mind exist your body to protect you from the trauma of watching how easily their limbs flailed, how easily their body just folded and bent like a ragdoll and then seeing them get up and act like they were fine (adrenaline darling, it does amazing things.) when they most definitely arent and you just feel like puking!!!!! <3333

okay, sorry, you really shouldnt think of car crashes like that, it was just the only thing i could think of when you feel something is just. wrong. and the only other person there acknowledges this and just keeps going on with their day.

i love girly yan so much,,,, def one of my more violent ones <3

i love writing gore too! one of my fav things to do but im always a touch worried about scaring ppl off so maybe ill just work on giving more trigger warnings when theres going to be gore

[kitty-thinks-stuff]

MURDER DRONES RAMBLE ‼️spoilers for eps 1-5‼️

i have GOT to talk about this show bc i have soo many thoughts. a lot of this is gonna be rambling about my pet peeves and plot holes and what i wished happen though (keep in mind this is with the knowledge up to episode 5, i havent watched farther than that)

feel free to discuss these points with me!! id love to hear other perspectives on it!! (please dont give me spoilers past episode 5 though!!!)

ALSO! i am in no way saying this is a bad show. its amazing and i cant wait to see more, plus obviously its an indie show and its got a small budget and all that stuff

so far my biggest pet peeves are the fact that the show doesnt seem to take itself seriously enough, and the way uzi is written

the whole "not taking itself seriously" thing REALLY shows in episode 4. the whole time all this super crazy stuff is happening and the jokes just ruin it. take the moment where Rebecca is crawling back to the campfire, LITERALLY CUT IN HALF

this is a BIG moment, scary, suspenseful, all that jazz. and imagine how terrifying and traumatizing it would be to see your friend crawl back to you, NOT IN ONE PIECE

but the moment gets really ruined by the "forgot name. not popular" joke. it makes what couldve been a creepy horror moment into a lame, kind of awkward joke.

then you have the scene where uzi is chasing all the campers. HUGE, RIGHT? i mean shes become this mutated, bird like eldritch horror creature, and shes "lost control of herself", murdering the people she knows (obviously shes not super close with these people but. murder is big no matter what)

this should be TERRIFYING!! its huge dude, uzi is running rampant, murdering and eating robots, scaling the trees!!!

and it just gets. kind of smushed by the jokes.

i will admit, they did a *little* better with this scene. so props to that! but still. ouch.

now onto uzis character

she could be SO complex. i mean imagine living your life hating the murder drones, only to end up becoming friends with one, and then realizing ur actually really similar to them (needing to eat people blah blah), to finding out you have powers, you have to eat robots, all that stuff

and so much of her big character moments are small and shrugged off really quick.

take her powers for example. she learned to use them like. right after she found out she had them

i could get it maybe if they just alluded to maybe her learning? or at least made it to where it was a situation where she HAD to use her powers (a fight scene, maybe a scene where n was gonna get hurt?)

but it was all stuff she could do herself, like picking up papers and opening doors

so i think its safe to say we couldve kept a whole "idk how to use these brand new powers" thing going for an episode or two.

"but they needed her to use her powers so it triggered the over heating" i hear u and that makes sense. however, they couldve kept this!!

so she breaks the mirror, fixes the bug. fixing the bug couldve been an "experimental" moment with her powers (thanks reeses for that idea) instead of smth she just. knew how to do. all of this couldve triggered the over heat. dont forget, shes new to these powers! she might not have built up the "stamina" for it yet, so using it these couple of times might be too much for her

she has the moment with v, blah blah, leave the powers out until the arrow scene. then her powers trigger again! she was about to get hurt, it would make sense. then boom, overheat again (remember, considering shes brand new to these powers, this is a lot!)

she runs away, maybe opens the door with her powers (though its kinda unnecessary, i could kinda see it considering shes got all the adrenaline going)

then we have the murder scene, which ive already talked about

then afterwards, its all resolved REALLY quickly.

murdering people you know, even if you didnt like them/know them, is never easy on anybody. literally the whole reason she hated the murder drones was because they killed her people. and the whole reason she excepted them now, was because they decided to STOP killing people.

but its just kind of a whole "oh well!" situation and it! bothered me!!!

i mean, they couldve gone SOOO many routes with the murder scene.

maybe a scene where n comforts her and helps her through the trauma of killing someone? maybe where the people around her struggle to except her again bc shes changed?

my personal favorite is where n attempts to comfort her because shes killed someone, and she makes a comment along the lines of "im not like you!" (but yk. more hurtful and angsty and close to home for n)

this could further her isolation, which could build on how she might see this new version of herself

it could also open the doors for an uzi/doll interaction where doll tries to reach out and help uzi, making uzi conflicted on what side she should actually be on.

but, i digress

now lets get onto the smaller stuff that doesnt really matter (its really just personal peeves)

i wish we got more on the murder drones being excepted into the worker drone society. this kinda falls under "the show doesnt take itself seriously"

i mean, these drones killed their family and friends but, "oh yeah, they said they wont and now we love them!"

this couldve been really good development for v and n but they just move on so quickly. also they brushed past all those missing campers super quick

i wish we got to see more of lizzy and dolls relationship. why were they close? did lizzy feel conflicted about working with uzi and the others instead of doll? (idk maybe im biased cuz i think doll and lizzy should kiss but thats besides the point)

i think that might be everything!!! ill probably make a more positive post too bc I DID LIKE THIS SHOW!!! its soo silly and im really liking it

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Vol:12 - Again, looking back on 25 years with Gara.

K: Hi, here we are with The Freedom of Expression on our Nico Nico channel. Im Kaoru from Dir en grey. 

J: And Im Joe Yokomizo, who has just been for a beer in the Chinese restaurant near the studio. 

T: And Im Tasai from Tokyo Sports. 

K: And we also have someone who was with us last time, and he just didn't talk enough, so he's here again this time. Its Gara from Merry. 

G: Good evening, Im Gara from Merry. 

J: The staff have told me you're pretty annoying. 

K, T: Haha 

G: Not at all!

J: Kaoru, what would you say? In your view, is he annoying?

K: Haha, no, he's not. 

J: Gara, I wanted to ask you, were you Dir's first roadie? 

G: For the past 20 years, I always thought that I was, but after the show last time, I was in the dressing room, and I got a message from Shinya. He told me the name of the guy who was there before me. So I thought, 'Aghh, there really was someone before me!'. I wonder if that guy actually counts though?

J: Haha, Leader, what do you think? This is quite important. 

G: It was only for a short time. 

K: Yeah, but it still counts. As soon as I heard it, I thought, 'Oh yeh, of course!!'

G: Kaoru, that means Im the second roadie?

K: Yep, you are the second. I was right after all. 

G: I must have forgotten, because I never thought there was someone like that before me. 

J: Do you kinda feel like he's stealing your glory a bit now?

G: Yeah, I always thought I was the first.

J: I see, haha. So, from now, your are Dir's second roadie?

G: Yeah, Ive been exposed by Shinya. Im the second roadie. 

J: Do you feel a bit like Shinya should have kept quiet about this? haha

G: Yes, I really do. 

J: Haha. Yes, well today we are joined by Dir en grey's second roadie, Gara. So, last time you were looking back at Dir en grey's history, from the Indies days, to now, right?

K: Yes. 

J: I was unable to join last time due to my work schedule. 

K: This is the first time for you to be here when we have a guest, right?

J: Yes, thats right. 

K: He always disappears somewhere whenever we've had a guest before. 

J: Oh no, not intentionally though. Its purely by chance!

K: It was as if guests would come because you weren't here. 

J: Yeh, I've heard that. I don't know about that though. Anyway, today we are gonna be looking back at the indies era in detail. There'll be loads of great stuff to hear, so stay tuned. Please send in your comments too, questions, thoughts, messages of support, anythIng is ok. People using twitter can use the tag TFOE. The first part of this show is free for anyone to watch, but the second part is for channel members only. If you become a member, you can watch this live broadcast in the archives for a year, and you will also be able to access members only videos. Please click the blue link at the top of your screen to joIn, and enjoy this broadcast to the end.  Leader was just pointing to it. Dir's second roadie was pointing too, weren't you?

G: Haha, yes...second...I'm quite sad, I tried so hard back then too. 

K: Surely, trying hard has nothing to do with whether or not you were first? 

J: Maybe you are just slightly envious. Ok, well, as for today, we will have another look at photos from back in the day. (*Indies photo of Kaoru appears on screen*) Here we go, since we are looking closely at the indies era today. How do you feel about this, Leader? Do you recognize this photo?

K: Well, we used this photo last time. Only you wouldn't know that. 

J: Oh, I see. I do apologize. Maybe I should stick to the script more.

K: Haha, no no. 

J: But anyway, we'll be digging deeper into the Indies era today, but first we have a quiz. Its time for the "Does Kaoru remember?" quiz!!

*applause*

J: Ok, so Dir's second roadie, Gara... 

K: Haha, you just want to keep saying that, don't you?

J: Yes, haha. 

T: He is the first one in my mind!

J: You are first in your heart, but second in reality. Anyway, Gara has created a quiz for Kaoru about the indies era. So Kaoru, try your best to remember. There are quite a few questions, but we will try to do at least 5. Try to get them all right, Leader. 

G: You'll be able to to tell if i really was first, and whether there really is a bond between us from this. 

T: Haha

J: Right? We need to look out for that. Ok, Gara, I'll hand over to you. 

G: I start from Question 1, right? Ok, Where was the place where I first met the members of Dir en grey? I said last time that the first live show I saw them was at Shinjuku Rock, but this time I'm asking about our first meeting, so its not a live venue. 

J: Ok, so Q1 is asking for the place you first met. Leader, you have a sketchbook in front of you to write your answers. For some reason, myself and Tasai also have sketchbooks, although its not likely that we will know the answers...

T: Yeah, we will just try our best. 

J: Yes we will. So, Gara, is this with no hints, right?

G: Yeah, the meeting place, this was an important moment. 

J: If he doesn't remember this, it could seriously damage your trust in him. 

G: Right. 

J: Haha, but look at Leader's face! He totally looks like he can't remember. Can we get a camera close up on him? This is important! If you'd never met, we wouldn't be here now. 

G: This was earlier than the live.

J: Ah, they want you to get this right in the comments. Gara, you probably spoke about your love towards Dir en grey last time, but this time its all about how far Kaoru's love extends to you. Ok, Tasai, you write something too, make it Tokyo Sportsy if you want. 

T: Ahh, its difficult. 

G: Kaoru is writing something now. 

J: Ah, a comment saying 'Kaoru looks cute when he's thinking'. And 'A forfeit if he gets it wrong!'...'Leader's love is deep!'

G: Its the first meeting, remember. 

J: Yeah, the place. 

T: By the way, how did you feel when your first met?

G: Well, I'd only ever seen them in magazines before then, so I was nervous, but I still remember introducing myself. 

T: Ahh, I wonder where it was...

J: Hmm, ok, Tasai, you show us your answer first. 

T: So this was when you were new in Tokyo, right? Ok, here's my answer. 'A bus stop at Tokyo Tower'. Like maybe they decided to meet up here for some reason. Maybe there were just there for some reason. 

J: Ahh...Ok, I don't quite understand this, so moving on...haha. 

T: Haha 

J: No no, you mean, maybe they had planned to go somewhere, so they met up there first?

T: Yeah. 

J: Well, the real question is whether Leader remembers. The place he first met Gara. Leader, lets have your answer. 

K: The studio in Kōenji. 

J, T, G: Ahh. 

T: That sounds more like it. 

J: Ok, Gara, tell us the answer. 

G: The correct answer is, an in-store event at Like An Edison. 

K: Don't remember that! Hahaha 

J: He doesn't remember!

G: It was an in-store event to coincide with the CD release, so I went and met the members for the first time. Meeting in the studio was after that. 

J: Well, he must have been close with this answer, right? If you met for the second time in the studio?

G: Yeah. I have a tonne of memories from that studio too. I saw them making new songs and and stuff there. I used to always drive the equipment truck too back then, but at the time I didn't have my own parking space. They told me to be responsible for truck, even though I didn't have a parking space, so I had to park it on the street in front of my place for about a month. 

J: Ahh, I bet you got a tonne of parking tickets. 

G: Yes. 

J: Ahh, that sounds painful. And despite this you still might be the second roadie! Leader, why did you think the answer was Kōenji?

K: Well, he was just there a lot. 

J: It seemed likely to be the place?

K: Yeah. 

T: Kaoru, do you remember this in-store event? 

K: No, we did a tonne of events like that back then. 

J: If any of the viewers were at that event in Like An Edison, please tell us in the comments. I wonder if anyone was? Not that we can give them anything if they were, except say, 'Oh wow!'. Haha. Well, that was question 1. A comment there says, 'A shock for Gara!'

G: He was close though, because I was often in the studio at Kōenji. 

K: You were following us, haha. 

J: Its like, he was only a little bit wrong. 

G: Ok, shall we move on? The next question is this. 'Where was the first region (outside Tokyo) that Gara travelled to as a roadie? And what was the amazingly delicious restaurant where Kaoru took Gara out to eat for the first time?'

K: This is hard! haha 

J: The restaurant name. 

T: Is this maybe a hint? You told us the region you are from last time, right, Gara?

J: Eh? Where are you from??

T: No no no, don't tell him! haha. 

J: Eh, whhhy? Ok, whatever. But we need the region Gara first travelled to as a roadie, and the name of the delicious restaurant where Kaoru first took him out to eat. 

T: Joe, you write something first. 

J: Its not WHAT you ate, right? Its the name. 

G: Yes. If I say what I ate, I think Kaoru will know where it was. 

T: Kaoru, do you know? 

K: Well, I'm just not sure about the timing as for the region. 

T: Its difficult!

J: The restaurant name is tricky too. 

G: But its something that everyone has heard of. 

J: Oh, so its not lIke an independent, local place, right?

G: Yeah. But back then, it was only...oh, I'll give it away if I say that. 

K: Back then it was only..?

T: Ok, lets write our answers. Some comments saying, 'Gara is causing trouble for Kaoru', 'Leader, think!', 'I think I know it'. If you know it, don't tell us! 

J: Well, I really have no idea, but this is my answer. For the region, Hokkaido. And the restaurant, Dosanko Ramen. This is what I would eat after a concert, so I thought it could be this. 

G: That's a good answer. 

J: Thank you. Ok, Leader, your turn. 

K: Osaka, and Kamakura (ramen).

G: Oh, that's correct!! That makes me so happy! 

*applause*   

G: He told me about this incredible ramen, and took me to try it. So my first time trying Kamakura was with Kaoru. 

J: Ah, great! You got it right. 

G: You remember that?

K: No no, I just used to go there all the time back then! 

T: You don't actually remember going with Gara? 

K: Well, he said the words, 'Back then it was only...', which reminded me that this place became a national chain a little while later. Haha

J: Ahh, I see. 

G: Ahh, I gave it away with the hint. 

J: So it wasn't your memory, it was the hint that got you there. 

G: Kamakura ramen was totally different from any of the ramen I'd had before then. I didn't realise ramen could be like that. 

T: Ahh, yeh, its good, isn't it? 

J: Did you go there to finish a night of drinking or something? 

G: No, I think Kaoru just took me there. 

K: We still couldn't really afford to go out drinking much back then. 

J: Ah, financially, right? Eat loads of ramen instead, right?

K: Yeah. 

J: Ah, well, we got a correct answer! Shall we move on? 

G: Ok, the next question is this. 'What was the first song on which Gara helped during the recording?' 

J: This is quite important, right?

G: Yes. 

J: This is the first question related to the actual job. Hmm, a song from the indies era? 

G: Yes. I was able to see how the recording process worked. 

K: I'm trying to think what the timing would be...haha. 

J: Hmm, when would it be?

K: Yeah, I mean, within our timeline. 

J: Tasai, do you have any idea?

T: Well, hmm, I don't think we talked about this kind of thing last time...I might be wrong. 

J: Hold on a sec..Gara, you want him to get this right, yeh? 

K: Ahh, I dunno.  

J: You just wrote something though!

G: I saw the while process of recording the song with this one.

J: So, you were there watching the whole time?

G: Yeh, from when they started making the song in the Kōenji studio. 

K: Well, in that case I think I've got it right. 

T: Well, this is kinda vague, but my answer is, 'That song you recorded in an old house somewhere'.

G: Oh, that was Jealous. 

T: Yes, Jealous. 

J: Ok, Leader?

K: Haven't you written anything?

J: No, I haven't. Haha. 

K: Ok, my answer is Ash. 

G: Correct!!

*applause*

K: Well, I thought it was likely to be this. 

G: Yep, I was there during the recording. 

K: For that omnibus album?

G: Yes. 

K: Yeah, he said 'which song', so that means it wasn't part of a collection of songs. And if it wasn't a single, then it would have to be this. 

G: I remember I went for Tendon with Die. 

K, J, T: Hahaha. 

J: Is food all you remember?! Haha. So you saw the whole recording process. Do remember making any new discoveries about the secret to Dir en grey's sound?

G: I didn't understand the secret to it at all!

J, T: Haha. 

J: But you remember the Tendon. 

G: Yeah. Well, it was only one day. From the drums, bass, guitars, and even to the vocals, it was all done in one day.

T: Amazing. 

J: Yeah, but with a few hints, Leader got it right. 

G: Impressive!

J: Yes, two out of three correct so far. Ok, do we have time for another one?

G: Ok, next question please. 'There was once a mid-summer outdoor event back then, (which I attended as a roadie), but what did Kaoru say to me in the car on the way home, which to this day, I can never forget?' I can give you a small hint, it was a bit of a shock. 

J: So it wasn't something moving, or meaningful?

G: No

J: He wasn't commending your abilities or anything?

G: Not at all. My response was more like, 'Ehh? Kaoru, did you really say that??!'

J: It was something a bit shocking?

G: Yes. 

K: Did it have some connection with the event?

G: Yeah...this mid-summer outdoor event

K: Ah, I see.

J: That's a hint! Mid-summer, outdoor event. Ahh, there is some interest in the comments too. 'Gara, this quiz is fun' etc. 

G: Thank you. Its been 20 years, but these words of Kaoru's have stayed with me. The main hint is probably that it was shocking. 

T: Well, since you've been talking about food, Gara, I think its about food, so my answer is, 'I just ate shaved ice, but I hid it from you'. 

K: Haha

T: Like in the heat, he ate it all. 

J: Ah, like Gara would resent Kaoru for it?

T: Yeah, he'd be shocked. 

J: Well, since it was summer, my answer is this. 'Your sweat stinks!' It'd be shocking to be told this, right? Ok, Leader? I wonder if you remember. 

K: My answer is this 'What are you doing with us??'

T: Ahh, that would be bad. 

K: Well, it was an event, so there might have been some other bands playing that he liked, you know?

J: Ahh, so it wasn't like a solo event. 

G: Well, one time Kaoru came over to my place, and I had posters of all sorts of other bands up everywhere, so maybe he wondered what I was doing with Dir?

T: Did any of us get it right?

G: Actually, one of you did! Shall I tell you what he said to me? He said, 'You stink of sweat!'

J: Yeahhh!

K: Hahaha 

T: How did you get that??

G: Well Done, Joe. 

J: He really said that to you?

G: Yeah, it was the middle of Summer, and I was moving all the equipment around by myself, I worked so hard. Then at the end I got in the car and sat next to Kaoru, and he said, 'Ugh, you stink of sweat!'

K, J, T: Hahaha 

G: I was like...I've been working hard for you all day! I've never been able to forget it. 

T: Kaoru, do you remember?

K: No..

G: I was pretty young, so it was quite a shock for me. 

K: But I vaguely remember him telling me about how I said that to him once. 

J: Did you tell him about it?

G: Maybe when we when out drinkIng once, I might have mentioned it. But it really was the most shocking thing to hear from him. I mean, that's how a roadie should be, right?

J: It shows that you've worked hard. If you weren't sweaty, you wouldn't have been doing your job properly. 

G: Right? That's how I should be. 

J: Its a sign that you did a good job. 

G: Yes 

T: Someone commented, Kaoru should apologize. 

J: Haha 

K: I'm sorry. 

J: Ahh, an apology from Leader!

G: I feel purified, haha. 

J: Ohh, that's good. Ok, next question.

G: Ok, the next question is, 'Which food which Gara hates did Kaoru force him to eat, all in one?' This was a thing when I used to go for drinks with Kaoru, hated foods or stuff like that. 

J: Well, you DO stuff like that when you are young, don't you?! I mean, if we don't know what foods you don't like, we are never gonna get this, but Leader probably knows. Its just a matter of choosing the right one. 

G: Yeah, this particular food, I still can't even eat it. 

J: You can't eat it?

K: Something that can be eaten in one go?

G: Er, we talked about this last time, but he also made me do 'Pistachio all in one' before too. 

J: Ugh, that's like hell. 

G: I wasn't allowed water, so I just had to keep crunching away until I could swallow.

J: That sounds tough, you cant really swallow it all at once either, can you?

K: Inside your mouth was shredded, wasn't it?

G: Yeah. 

J: Ugh, really? Well, viewers, please write in the comments if you have any ideas about this one. Someone just wrote pizza, but its something you still can't eat, right? If its something even an adult can eat, it must be something with quite a distinct taste?

G: Ah! Yes. 

T: Ahh, I've already written something. 

G: *reading comments* Century egg? Ohh, that would be tough!

J: And expensive!

T: Ok, lets reveal our answers. So, last time Gara said he doesn't like chicken much, and I thought if he's done 'pistachio all in one', maybe he might have done this too, 'Fried chicken cartilage all in one'

J: Ah I see. Well, my answer is this. 'Goya' (bitter melon). A lot of people  hate this, and it tastes very distinct. Ok, Leader?

K: Haha, I don't even remember, but..'Pickles'. 

J: Gara, are any of us correct?

G: One of you is close. 

J: Ohh, ok, tell us the answer. 

G: The correct answer is, Okinawan pickled onions (島らっきょう). So 'pickles' is nearly right. 

K: Goya is kinda there too, haha! (*Goya is an Okinawan vegetable*) Ahh, pickled onions, I think I kinda remember this now. 

T: Like, how did that work?

G: Well, all the onions were in the bowl, and I had to put them all in my mouth at once, and swallow them without a drink. 

J: Ahh, the things you got up too. 

G: I can still remember the disgusting aftertaste. 

K: The taste lingers, right?

G: Yeah. 

J: Ahh, is that the time already? Did we do 4 questions?...5? We did 5. How many did Leader get right? 2?

T: 2.5, right? With 'pickles'

J: Ah, ok, yes. 2 correct answers, and 1 good try. Half correct. What do you think Gara?

G: Yeah, I think he remembers a lot, since he was close with that last one. If this were baseball, he would be (*baseball reference, I dunno*)

J, K, T: Yeah, haha. 

G: It was a good result. 

J: Ok, Leader, 5 questions about the indies era from Gara. What did you think?

K: I don't remember anything.

J, T, G: Hahaha

K: I just worked out the answers from the hints. I don't actually remember. 

G: We were close though, we we working together practically every day. 

K: But it was only one year out of 25, haha. 

J: Well, yeah...

G: Maybe that's the fate of being the second roadie...haha. 

J: Ok, we're going to have to finish the first part of the show, but we'll learn more about Kaoru in the second half. We'll continue talking about Kaoru and Gara's history, so please become a channel member to see that. I'll just let you know how you can do that. The second half of the show is for members only, so you need to be a channel member if you want to see it. If you join, you can watch this broadcast in the archives for a whole year, and we also have members only videos, where we challenge ourselves to all sorts of things, so you can enjoy those too. Ok, how to join. Its very simple. There is a blue link at the top of your screen. Kaoru is pointing now. Click this link, and you will get a screen asking you to choose your payment method. Choose your method and click proceed. Then you can enter your payment details, and you're done. If you haven't yet joined, please do, and enjoy the rest of the show. Ok, now, some news from Gara?

G: Yes, thanks. Uh, on Dec 25th Merry will hold our 'Very Merry Xmas' event at Shinagawa Club eX where we will show the history of Merry (*etc*).

J: Ok, thank you. Leader?

K: Hm, was there something? Ah, well, we are mid-tour now. We still have Sapporo, Sendai, Nagoya, Osaka, Osaka. And then an extra date on Dec 16th at Shinjuku Blaze. Uhh, I think there are quite a few venues with tickets still available, so people can definitely come by on the day and check it out. 

J: I saw you at Zepp Haneda recently, but I'd love to see you in one of the other regions if my schedule allows it. 

K: Please do. 

J: Ok, a quick break here while we change over, but channel members hang tight. Lets continue The Freedom of Expression in the second half!

[thesherrinfordfacility]

#pre-fall scene#all im saying

Myabe I'm being dense but what exactly are you saying?

oh god okay anon i'll be honest but even i don't really know what im saying!!!✨ well no, wait, i do but essentially im gonna need to use this ask to parse it out (and save @teddybearbutchh from being spammed with my stream of consciousness)

so, let me be clear - im open to any take on this line. we're clear, right (and was laid out brilliantly in that post!) that aziraphale seems to know something about miracling love that the archangels and crowley do not - this is an experience unique only to him (as far as we're aware). it's something he has presumably tried to do, and seen the lack of desired result, to be able to reach this conclusion. and in order for him to get away with the lie to the archangels, its something he knows they won't have done. pretty obvious summary, but bear with me - it helps me lay out my thoughts!!!

now look, it could be that he's tried to miracle crowley in love with him. it could be that he's tried to miracle himself out of love with crowley (heartbreaking). it could be that he's tried to miracle two humans in love with each other. but here are my thoughts on these three things:

i don't personally hold the belief that they've been in love with each other since eden. ive talked about it in other posts, i won't go on about it, but their interactions through time, for me, have been them falling in love with each other in a rather organic way. some of those interactions towards the beginning of their story have been stilted, cold, even arguably antagonistic at times - that's my personal read, anyway. so, if we hold that aziraphale didn't realise he was in love until 1941, it makes no sense, for me, for him to have attempted miracling crowley in love with him between these points...? i also think 1941 is where aziraphale realises that crowley at least feels something for aziraphale in kind - he saved the books! - and this gives aziraphale some sort of... hope? (right up until 'oh shit, we're too close now and it actually might have Consequences - "you go too fast for me, crowley"). so yeah, i don't see, personally, any point in this history where this version of the attempted-miracle might have happened. (edit: sorry, to clarify - 'this history' being between the beginning and essentially modern day)

second one? okay look, this kills me. i hate it (i love it), and i could see this being the case - a bit of a bait-and-switch, that it wasn't making people fall in love, it was that aziraphale couldn't handle being in love. horrendous thought... but if we go with this - again, where is the point where aziraphale would have attempted this? well, the only point for me would be between 1941-1967... and that would make sense!!! but... is it in aziraphale's character to do this? personally, i think not. imo, i think aziraphale would see being in love with crowley as a gift - one that hurts, definitely, but one that he is honoured to have. he's a being of love, can sense it as easy as... well, breathing - and i don't think it's something he'd wish away. lmao @ tennyson, mad lad: "it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." (he's definitely read, and probably liked(?), tennyson, if his line re: the kraken is anything to go by... god absolutely has, too)

this is absolutely possible - 100%... but for what feels like a pretty important line, especially in the romantic-plot-context of s2, wouldn't it have been important to see this happen? to have seen an instance where aziraphale may have tried to miracle a couple in love, and it have failed?

which brings me to the pre-fall scene, because it is the outlier in all of this, imo. aziraphale starts off very polite with AWCW (angel who crowley was), but as soon as AWCW starts becoming... yk, bubbly and excited, aziraphale's entire demeanour changed - he's suddenly eager to interact with him, tell him his name, and establish a connection. if nothing else, it's an instant crush for aziraphale, an immediate moment of '...oh shit, he's cute-cute', and this carries throughout the entire scene... and isn't reciprocated.

now, i don't necessarily think this is the moment where aziraphale would have attempted to miracle AWCW in love with him - in fact, i have to wonder if it was a conscious miracle at all? - but aziraphale seems both pleasantly surprised and... a little expectant? that AWCW is talking to/about him?

and has a rather rude awakening... so idk, perhaps out of angelic innocence/not-thinking-things-through/subconsciously willing it, tantamount to a miracle... aziraphale was hoping for AWCW to 'fall in love' with him back? or at least, pay back the same kind of attention that he was paying AWCW? and obviously it didn't work, so aziraphale knows - by s2 - that miracles don't work like that?

this is all a musing, im not at all firmly set on this and am happy to be argued (nicely!) back on it, but i think... potentially... it has some merit?✨

[faaarawayyy]

16. interesting ass question

“if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?”

oh wow. yeah this is VERY interesting hmmm….. im gonna take this three different ways. also im gonna get deep into this rn so

if i had grown up in a different family- which, for everyones perspective, i have a mom and a dad (who is chronically ill/disabled) and a year-younger brother who i live with. my mom is mexican, dad is american, so my brother and i are mexican-american. i think if i lived without any of these people there would already be an immediate difference. with only my dad and brother id probably be tougher, but not as happy. with only my mom and brother id be a bit more… not-tough? i guess? its hard to say whether i would be more content or less content than i am now. without my brother it is very easy to say i would be a very different, likely more unhappy person. turn my family into bigots and either which way that would be the same outcome, unhappy and feeling unsafe… yk, im queer, and i think i would be in any life. there is more of my family to take into account (grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc) and things probably would change about me if they were different too, but theres so many different possibilities with that. i will say there is one specific younger cousin i have so much hope for- i love her dearly and care about her with all i have. our closeness is only separated by the fact we arent siblings, i think. i’m the oldest (non-step) cousin in my family, so there’s a lot that everyone looks up to me for. not having any of them, especially the one i just talked about, would be so… strange, i think. like a missing piece.

if i had grown up in a different irl community, then damn, theres so many possibilities about that too. different city, different state, different country, different views, different ideologies, so so so many things could be so different. i am glad i grew up where i did/am growing up where i am, though. i know amazing and awful people alike and i think thats just… what community is. you will know people you love and you will know people you hate. thats just the nature of people i think. i would not change it though. shoutout to you and my other irl friends on this site <33

and god, if id grown up in a different online community… lets say i never ever stumbled into wof amino (shudders), and things would be so, so, so different in ways i cant even describe. being present online taught me about so many things, mostly about all the many different kinds of people that live and breathe and love on this earth just like me. i was introduced to the queer community, the neurodivergent community, the furry community, three that i identify with so strongly, and countless other peoples, like disabled communities i never wouldve known about otherwise. its crazy to think how much knowledge the online community gave me. despite the bad experiences and the trauma and the hurt ive faced here, too, i cant say anything other than that i love it. its a big part of what shaped me into what i am today. it introduced me to some of my closest friends, my found family (hugest shoutout in the world to freak bin, you guys are my everything) who i consider a wonderful extension on top of who i already have, my biggest inspirations and idols, it helped me find my footing in becoming an artist, a writer, someday an animator, and it helped me discover who i am- this funky queer, neurodivergent girlthing that i am which i had been unable to even fathom or explain to my own self for so long- and for that i have so much love.

i love what i grew up with and all the amazing people with me. i really would be very different without it all.

[bumblebeerror]

My teeth hurt sometimes, just. In general. They’ve done this a while now, mostly when the weather changes. It starts in my jaw and creeps up my teeth until I can’t chew very well because I don’t want to move my jaw or put pressure on my teeth. It also means sleeping’s difficult, and just. Most things weirdly become a lot more difficult when you don’t want to chew. My jaw’s been like this for a week or so now? I think. I mostly don’t notice it starting until sleeping gets harder.

Anyway, all that to say it’s been a Rough day when it comes to my body and brain working correctly. I woke up when I usually do, took my adhd meds, and then fell asleep for another three hours. I streamed today after talking with some friends, and about a hour after my two hour stream, I just hit a wall. I’m already tired enough to go back to sleep now. Everything is shaky and tender and it’s… such a slap in the face. Sometimes.

Especially because I don’t register pain like this. It doesn’t occur to my brain to interpret it that way. I get tired, I feel pressure more sharply, but I don’t feel pain unless I stop to check in. So if you asked me today what I was feeling… I’d tell you Im tired. I’d tell you I feel shaky and maybe kind of feverish, that my legs dont want to work at any faster pace. I’d tell you my body feels weak and that my neck and head ache, because that’s about the only pain on me that’s sharp, that changes, that waxes and wanes.

And at some point today I finally registered that I was feeling pain. That my hands are shaking because every nerve in them is sending a constant signal. My arms feel heavy and my legs feel wobbly and my joints feel unstable because every nerve is sending a message I can’t read. Its kind of funny, in a way - if I stop focusing on reading that message as pain, it stops registering that way again. Like Francis Freeman, the villian in the first Deadpool movie? One of his powers is not feeling pain.

I’m not sure what my point here really is? I don’t share often, and I don’t enjoy being pitied. I don’t want to feel like someone who needs saving. Your princess is in another castle, all that. I just wanted it written. I keep hitting dead ends and my pcp doesn’t know how to help me. I can’t get disability and I can’t work enough to support myself, so I don’t have much of s choice on whether I stay with my mum - and she can’t afford to pay for my car. And I can feel my body degrading, even if I don’t look at the hours I used to be capable of. I used to work nearly 40hrs a week closing s daycare, keeping up with kids and cleaning the place. Then 25, cleaning a clinic. Now I work 8 cleaning an office, and can’t afford gas to get there. I won’t lie, if I let myself think about it too long, it gets frightening.

I don’t know. I hate dwelling on things I can’t fix, and I loathe feeling sorry for myself. If I can’t make a joke about it, I don’t want to deal with it. But a part of me also doesn’t want what’s happening to me to be forgotten. A part of me wants a record. A part of me wants to be convinced that I’m not… insane? That I’m not faking it, somehow, that I’m actually in pain that I can’t feel anymore. That other people don’t feel this way all the time. That what people told me as a kid, dismissed, that it’s wrong. That they didn’t know I was feeling something bad.

I wish school had taught us practical things. Like how much pain the average non-ill person is every day (none). To this day I still pose questions about it to one of my friends who has an old shoulder injury but no widespread issues like this, just to check.

Ive rambled enough, I think. I’m gonna shower and sleep. Have a good timezone, if you decided to read all that for some reason.

[melodythebunny]

Time to ramble about your OCs. Any OCs you have, tell us about them? What's lore do you wish to tell of them? Funniest things about your OCs? What inspired your OCs?

I wanna ramble about my original work ocs... Bc its been a while since i talked/thought about them. Let alone drawn any of them.

So ill answer this with my original characters if that alright

👉👈

i have a bunch of ocs. Many are still in drafts cuz ive been busy with fan works. But i have two to 3 series one i am trying to turn into an animation series (@the-mis-adventurers ) and another that is gonna be a collab comic series with @strawberry-mangoprincess (she's more active one her Insta compared to me lol) one is just merely a fun concept i think about every now and then.

Overall my ocs are inspired by other fictional characters. mainly from whatever media i consume and enjoy.

Starting with the concept one.

I only have two ocs made for it so far. Ember and Crystal. They are sisters with fire and ice elemental powers hence their names. Ember like fire embers and crystal like ice Crystals. Orphans dunno who there parents were. Not clear if their powers ran in the family/curse/etc.

Ember always had trouble controlling her powers especially with having a fiery temper. She's the more friendlier sibling however. Crystal despises her ice powers. She has an easier time hiding them so she can blend in with normal people. (I gotta draw them again sometime)

Crystal doesnt hate her sister but isn't close to her either. Feeling the need to take care of her since she's the last of kin.

And now for my (slightly) more thought out ocs from my wip series, the misadventurers

In a nutshell i want this series to be about the power of friendship (i blame my mlp phase for this-)

There's four main characters. All girls bc why not?

Their names are mink, jing, Raine and jennifer.

Mink is the more calm and responsible one out of her friends. Mom friend type. Her hair was actually blonde but turned pink to unknown reasons. (I took inspiration from lofi music when creating her) She proudly owns a pet turtle named fern. Will kick butt if her friends are hurt.

Jing is a goth who enjoys making music. she plans on startd her own band someday. (Eventually she does with her friends. Its called rock n pop. Pending title for now) has a rivalry with another oc of mines, Lillian. Loves to scare the others with pranks and horror movies.

Raine is the artist of the group. She tends to break the fourth wall whenever she wants. Also whatever she draws with her paint brush becomes real. her name is also a pun. Raine strom. (You can see her on my tumblr header harassing my old sona) Very zany in a good way. Has a crush on a dense boi*

Jennifer is a social butterfly. Heart's too big for her sleeve. Pacifist. Tends to let wild animals in the house. And thats how she got a pet goat who may or may not actually be one. Her mother wishes she'd be more responsible.

Now for some reccuring characters-

Lillian - famous star, used to be childhood friends with jing. And now they hate eachothers guts. Primadonna gurrrrllll. All she ever wanted was the worrrrldddd(Took alot of inspiration from the song for her) is an attention hog and will do anything to be popular.

*Milo - Also known as peppermint boi/j. But seriously look at his color pallet-. He does enjoy mints and always passing one out to people. Very dense and doesn't get when he is getting on someone nerves. Just as zany as raine. Uber positive. Don't let him get too excited tho. Cuz he'll LITERALLY explode.

Cole - college drop out. Wonders why the haystack milo and raine won't leave him be. Also tends to be their third wheel on their 'not' dates. He hates it. Very moody. Legend has it he's never laughed or smiled before.

Derek - just some rich dude. Comes up with so many back stories like Horst from ratatouille so its hard to tell which is fake and what is real. Tries really hard for Jennifer to fall for him but doesn't work out.

I already rambled to you about max and min. Buttt I can tell you a it more about them at least about their absent/missing parents

Thymes (pronounced Times) and Divid are the twins and Equan’s Parents.

They are both scientists who worked for [REDACTED]. Thymes and Divid were both pretty much crazy but in a ‘not so dangerous’ type of way.  always ready to invent stuff even if it held no actual purpose.

It did concern them greatly when Equan started going through a Frankenstein phase. At least they assumed it was. Probably didn’t help much they were pretty much working even at home leaving their kids pretty much unattended(And boy oh boy did they learn…)

And sadly disappeared due to unknown circumstances.

[vaugarde]

hello! same anon that was asking moonscape about pmmm stuff. i've been looking through your pmmm-related posts a bit after i saw your reply and i love the way you talk about the characters and really seem to understand them! do you maybe have some more headcanons or general thoughts you'd want to share? i can never get enough of hearing fan's cool thoughts about the show

AHHH thank you!! im really flattered omg i'll put some general thoughts and rambles under the cut so my mutual who hasnt seen it yet wont see

-i know you said you saw my reply already but just gonna repeat it so its on my blog: homura was a foster child who lost her parents when she was young, and because of her heart condition she was passed around to several different (usually christian) families that usually didn't care much for her, only about the check. this led to her initial meek and self deprecating personality. the reason she latched onto madoka is because she's the first person to ever show her true kindness. when she changes her hair style, she cuts off from her current foster family entirely and lives on her own (and may have stolen the foster checks and other cash to do so)

-on top of that she struggles with her feelings with madoka and feeling like she's cruel and selfish for loving her because of her christian upbringing and going to catholic school. families likely didn't take well to her being gay

-hitomi is a closeted lesbian

-kyosuke gives me egg vibes so.

-im basic i like madohomu best but like polyam holy quintet is so real also

-people who say madohomu is one sided are so wrong. how do u explain any of madoka's actions towards homura when walpurgisnacht happens

-some of my favorite moments in the show relate to homura stuff bc GOD all of her scenes are just. enhanced by the plot twist

-wait ive mentioned this but people who think homura doesn't care about the other girls are so??? literally yes she does care about them, she loves madoka the most of course but she cares about sayaka's life when she goes to retrieve her soul gem and her telling sayaka she'll kill her to spare madoka the pain is clearly just her doing the worst thing she can to force sayaka to act. she's kinda distant from everything she's done at this point and is willing to act cruel to get what she wants.

-i kinda love that canonically mami is the strongest magical girl. mami is underrated tbh, i know she's a main character but her spinoff manga was SO good and she's such a tragic character in her own right. she's a deeply lonely person and even if i didn't care for magia record season 1, i really like the approach they went with her character there, where in this universe she's the one who convinced madoka and sayaka to contract, and when she learns the truth, she becomes ridden with guilt and joins the magias to save them because she feels responsible for their fates now. it's such a good place to take her character (and im kinda sad they eventually go "oh no it was brainwashing nvm")

-i absolutely adore this show's brand of horror. the entire thing is just Off in a lot of ways but it's in ways you struggle to place, and the whole thing is thanks to shaft's editing. there's a youtube vid i watched where like the tilting shots up to where the girls look down on the "camera" or random close ups on objects with quiet sounds adds to the feeling that something is wrong even when the show hasn't taken it's dark turn yet. i think focusing a lot of the actual horror elements on the terror of everyone's situation and gradually revealing how much worse everything is is so perfect, it's all paced perfectly to be as hard hitting as possible. and the actual violent moments are done well, none of them are really THAT bad but they're blunt and shocking enough to hit where it hurts. idk if im describing it right but augh its so good

-on that topic the theory that pmmm is framed as a stage show is also so good. i gotta find the post i reblogged about that bc man it adds to the show

[deepfriedseagullfeet]

my marvin! lore rundown under the cut: 

24-28, nonbinary (they them), pan/ace, 5’4”

what is there to say about marvin? theres not really anything ‘canon’ to compare them to, and in general, everyone’s marvins in the community are different and unique!! this ego gives so much creative freedom cause of the lack of canon content, so its always fun to see what other people do with that!

in general, my marvin is indeed still a magician, and they do have cool sorcerer powers that i still havent completely pinned down, but their main power is summoning fire, telepathy/making things move with their mind, and probably other miscellaneous things ive imagined over the years but never wrote down!

so lets talk about backstory. they were the third ego without a previous life, but they have quite a colorful life when they get created. like i feel like more happens with marvin even before anti its crazy. so flashback to the tiny apartment jack and jackie lived in, thats where marvin comes in. and uh, jack hated them the moment he saw them. my marvin has these cat like features to them. they have fangs and sharp teeth, sharp claws, and yellow pupil-slit eyes. they came out sick and unresponsive for a short time when they were born, and when they did feel well enough, they set things on fire and stuff with magic they couldnt control.

jackie, who again at the time was dealing with unmedicated schizophrenia, became really close with marvin in that kid sort of way. they were both sick and being neglected by jack. and things only got worse.

marvin was, or at least what jack assumed to be, was dying. and jack didnt want to have a body in his apartment. so he took marvin in the night, drove them out to the middle of the surrounding woods, and left them there on the ground. when he got back, jackie was heartbroken over marvin not being there, asking where they went. jack told him they ran away. and when it didnt make sense to jackie that an essentially sick baby thats never left the flat before ran off, jack told him he was delusional and to go back to bed.

now obviously, marvin didn’t end up dying alone in the woods. in fact, they got so, so much better. turns out that marvin gets a lot of their energy from nature, and being out there gave them the strength to get better. and this person basically lived like some kind of feral disney princess for awhile. another power that i just remembered about is they can talk to animals!! so yeah, literal disney princess. they hunted fish to eat and slept under trees, all the while waiting for jack to come back to get them. but he never did.

so at this point, marvin meets someone out there in the woods. i call this guy Mr. Burnake based off that one lemon demon song, but ill probably change his name someday. also he looks like arin hanson, which may or may not be a nod to the fact that a danny avidan lookalike was jackies mentor.

as u may guess, this other guy was a powerful sorcerer, and noticing this dirty, feral magician out in the woods, he took them in and took care of them for awhile. he was the one who really taught marvin the value of magic, and how to use theirs. he became kinda a father figure to marvin, and when he disappeared one day, marvin was pretty sad, but felt that they had learned enough to go out into the world.

things move pretty fast from here, like marvin gets a job at a theater, and eventually becomes a stage magician, impressing people with their magic! it was a wild time for them, being popular and having all this attention, finally getting to express themself on stage. they went through a lot of changes, figuring out their gender identity and stuff. all good things.

now ok. im gonna be real with yall. idk what happens next because it always changes. so ive sorta decided to align all the different ideas into one idea. so here it is. basically Anti comes to marvin’s show and falls in love with them, DESPITE still being with jameson at the time. they meet up, marvin becomes interested in anti too, they start dating. then marvin figures out about jameson, then figures out anti’s a demon, then figures out anti wants to kidnap and probably torture them to death in his basement, and nopes the fuck out of there.

from then on, because they knew anti was also made by jack, they wanted to find out if jackie was still out there. they tracked him down and met henrik and chase, and it was this big reunion and it was great. and then marvin is like ‘hey, antis still out there and someone is with him’ and thats when jackie is like oh SHIT and they all decide to go hunt anti and save jameson. or something like that. idk anti has to die and jameson has to get rescued somehow.

so yeah, from then on, marvin just kinda lived with the other egos and still performed while spending time with their new family. good times.

so some other basics about marvin is that they have a very witty and proud personality. their pretty short but still walk tall. they can come off as being an asshole sometimes, just because they tend to think they know whats best, and can be a lil narcissistic sometimes. they have a hard time making connections, even with the other egos, because of their past of being abandoned, but they still love the others, jackie especially. i like a storyline where they fall a little bit in love with jackie, but grow closer to chase, and they have this soft-undefined kinda lovey relationship. but, yeah, this is marvin!