#i feel like these shows could be better if they were executed in less of an. 'immature' ??? way

[duke-daemon]

hazbin hotel redesigns wooooooooo

okay so. i'm gonna discuss my thoughts about them n shit, putting under a readmore bc it's gonna get long and rambley. sorry in advance for the shit formatting, i'm on mobile </3

just some general shit about how i would rewrite it. i think the premise of redeeming sinners is entertaining but is executed horribly. i also am a fan of the "heaven isn't great either" idea but again, executed horribly. i'd make the hierarchy of angels more accurate because it's cool as hell and i have autism about it. the characters from hell would swear still (albeit not as much), but the angels would outright refuse to swear or make vulgar jokes ever. this would be partially to further the gap between heaven and hell and make the differences more stark.

hell would also be more like dante's inferno (again because i think its cool). the ars goetia would get a full redesign and would be more prevalent in demonic society.

now for the characters!

---

VAGGIE VALTIEL:

starting off with vaggie, or Valtiel as i've renamed her because let's be honest her original name sucks. Valtiel (Val for short) was an aspiring power angel who wanted to be an exorcist. she looked up to lute and thought the idea of killing demons was really cool and badass. however when she actually was on the field for the first time she discovered how awful this actually was. she tried to help a few demons but lute figured it out and felled her right then and there. the rest of her story is relatively the same. personality wise she's more stoic and less prone to all-out aggression. she still get angry, sure, but it's in a quieter and more menacing way. you DO NOT want to fuck with Valtiel.

CHARLIE:

next up is charlie! i had two ideas for her. the first one (unsettling drawing) has her as a mannequin/doll type demon. lucifer and/or lilith was unable to conceive and as such they built a kid from scratch. she's overall similar to og charlie personality wise, very kind and cheerful despite her unsettling appearance. she struggles with empathy sometimes but really does mean well. her motive for rehabilitating sinners is so they get to see their family again. being able to see heaven from where they are in hell must make them sad, so she wants to help make them happy again!

the second idea for charlie has her as an angel. specifically i casted her as a dominion angel due to their reputation as holy judges. she was once a demon but has been rehabilitated and has risen into angelhood! she now wants to help her former kin do the same and redeem themselves in heaven's gaze. again, similar cheery personality, but a bit more prudish in this rendition

tangent time!

as a side tangent, valtiel and charlie would have a different relationship in this rewrite. their relationship felt shoehorned in in the original show, like it was just there for the hell of it. we didn't see much development between them and it just felt kinda bland. so in my rewrite, charlie and valtiel are amiable exes. they tried dating when valtiel first fell (when charlie was still a demon in the charlie-angel version) but realized their feelings for each other were much more platonic than romantic. they ended things off on good terms, deciding they were much better as friends. they are still besties to this day! later charlie ends up with emily (or 'ellie' as i plan to rename her)

back to the characters

Alastor:

note: i made alastor mixed-race, which could be seen as bad by some due to vivzie saying he's black. however, as many have pointed out, he has no ethnic features whatsoever and i honestly wouldn't be surprised if she said that just to get away with using voodoo symbols (a closed religion) in his imagery/design. like viv, i am incredibly white and have little to no knowledge of voodoo, and even if i did i would not use it for something like this anyways due to the stigma the religion already has and (again) it being a closed practice. as such i removed it from his concept altogether, but made him mixed race (white passing) because.. why not i guess, i forgor my actual reasoning

with that being said...

alastor is by far my favorite of the redesigns and i'm honestly tempted to turn him into a legally distinct oc. i imagine he's somewhat reserved, along the lines of norman bates albeit a bit more extroverted. during his life he was a serial killer with a day job as a radio announcer. he took pleasure in reporting about his own murders on the radio, but that is eventually what got him caught (ie accidentally letting slip info that wasn't released to the public). as a result he was sentenced to death. upon arriving in hell, he quickly rose through the ranks to borderline overlord status and is a feared presence by demons and sinners alike. why is he bothering to assist in the hotel project? who knows... his motives are a mystery, like the rest of what he does

(he isn't actually alastair crowley i just thought the naming convention was ironic. however he may have also dabbled with satanic magic in lifetime..)

Angel Dust:

TW: brief discussion of SA

this is definitely my second favorite redesign. i loooove insect themes and wanted to do more than just Extra Arms, so he now has fucked up legs and a lot of eyes too! story-wise, angel used to be a criminal mastermind, hated by both the mafia and the feds. he was a gentleman thief, arranging massive heists under the cover of night while also partaking in the occasional drag show. he ended up a cocaine addict later in life, which caused his work to become sloppier. eventually he was killed in a heist gone wrong, specifically shot by the police.

i'm not gonna go too in-depth on the SA part of his story, but he is hypersexual due to being assaulted in both his life and afterlife. it would be something he'd be working on in the rewrite. his reason for coming to the hotel in the first place may have even been for help with this trauma. underneath his sultry exterior is a broken guy who really just needs someone to care about him for who he really is and not for what his body can do.

LUTE:

so lute and adam are some of the characters i have the most gripes about. the biggest one being why viv chose adam as the leader of the exorcists in the first place. if she wants a biblical figure tied to demon killing, Archangel Michael is RIGHT THERE, aka the one destined to kill satan during the events of Revelations. if she wants the first human to die, that would be Abel, not Adam. and i kinda doubt abel would want to do the stuff that HH!adam has been doing. if she wants an angel related to torture, Dumah is her guy! an angel that rules over wicked souls and tortures sinners every day except sabbath. so many better options...

with that out of the way, Lute is still the lieutenant of the exorcist, who are a specially chosen group of powers sent to purge hell once a year. think navy seals. she's pretty much the same as in the show, albeit more muscular and visually different from other exorcists (seriously why do they all look exactly the same?????) she's a very repressed lesbian who hasn't had time to work on that due to her duties

i also redesigned the exorcist uniform/armor because those LED purge masks are fugly as hell and their clothes don't even look remotely like armor.

Adam + Final Thoughts

i did start a redesign of adam but got bored of it. regardless, i think he'd be the head of C.H.E.R.U.B. instead of the exorcists. he doesn't want his children to make the same mistakes he and eve did, so together they started C.H.E.R.U.B. to help lost souls stay out of hell

final thoughts uhhhh i'm tired. show sucks, it had so much potential but viv ruined it by being a shitty writer and an even shittier person. the designs are fine i guess but they all look exactly the same and are in desperate need of variety. the humor is dogshit, saying dick and balls and penis over and over and over again doesn't make it any funnier than the first three times you made that joke. anyways that's it, i hope you liked my inane ramblings. gonna go vanish for another forty years or so, adios

[shanastoryteller]

Happy holidays! Dealers choice?

a continuation of 1

The young Lord de Bois returns with the same uptight lord as before and a young dark skinned man who’s grinning like this is the funniest thing he’s ever seen. They disappear into the blacksmith’s home along with several other men and Mrs. Cole, who’s husband’s been dead for thirty years and who apparently remembers a time two lords past when things were handled differently.

They don’t emerge for the rest of the day, candles bright in the cracks of the shutters to show that they’re working through the night. It’s almost noon the next morning when the village assembles to hear what’s been decided

Merlin still isn’t allowed to look, but he sneaks glances anyway. He wishes he could get a better look at Lord de Bois, but there are several people in his way, almost deliberately keeping him from view. He wonders what his mother promised them to get them to do that.

“My father,” Lord de Bois sighs, “has decided that if I’m old enough to complain about how things are handled then I’m old enough to handle them myself. Ealdor is now under my purview and authority, which means we’re going to have to turn a profit here if it kills me.”

Great. How does he expect to do that here? He might as well just execute people now if he’s planning on starving them slowly. He’d seemed to know better, before, but now that it’s his neck on the line he’s apparently a lot less sympathetic.

“And it might,” says a new voice, probably the dark skinned man Lord de Bois has brought along.

“Shut up, Elyan,” Lord de Bois says, just for a moment reminding Merlin that they’re nearly the same age. “We’ve worked up a new plan for mining for ore and replanting the fields – the soil’s exhausted and it’s all too far from the river. We’re going to have to set up an irrigation system as well.”

They know that. They’ve always known that. It’s just that there’s nothing to be done about when the time lost to start again would mean they lose out on a whole season of crops, since the ground is too cold to do much of anything in the winter and they don’t have the people do any of that and get food in and out of the ground.

There’s stirrings of discontent and it’s Will, of course, who shouts, “Who’s going to be doing all that? We need to eat ourselves, not waste time feeding you too!”

“You little,” hisses the lord from before and there’s again the sound of a sword being drawn.

“Enough, Gregory,” Lord se Bois snaps before addressing them. “Unfortunately, I am now required to put my money where my mouth is. I’ll be covering your taxes this year to the king and providing grain to make up for the lost food while we work out these changes. Your debt now is not to the king, but to me. I’ll be coming back frequently to check on your progress.”

Merlin pinches himself, sure he’s dreaming. Who does this? It’s crazy. It’s ridiculous.

It might actually work.

“You can’t just let them take and get nothing in return,” Gregory says angrily. “Don’t be stupid about this.”

“Too late for that,” Elyan says. “Why don’t you take someone to work at the castle? Their wages can be put to the town’s debt.”

Lord de Bois sighs. “Why would I take someone useful from here when I’m trying to get all this done?”

“Take someone useless, then,” Elyan suggests.

Oh no.

“Alright then. Who here is useless?” he calls out, clearly mocking.

Merlin’s ears burn as he feels the weight of far too many people’s gazes. It’s not his fault! His magic just makes things – complicated.

“Wow,” Lord de Bois says, laughter running through his voice. “Move aside then. Show me this useless person.”

His mother tenses at his side as people shift and then Merlin is staring down at a pair leather boots that are probably worth more than everything he’s ever touched combined.

“Who’re you, then?”

He’s not supposed to move or speak or look at anyone, but surely his mother can’t expect him to ignore a lord. “Merlin.”

“Look at me when I’m speaking to you, Merlin.” He snaps his head up and is immediately caught up in the brightest blue eyes he’s ever seen. “Are you useless?”

His face burns and he shrugs.

“He’s young, my lord,” his mother says carefully, and Merlin can’t help but feel guilty over the way her voice wavers.

Lord de Bois’s face softens. “You’re his mother, then?”

She dips into a curtsy. “Hunith, if it pleases my lord.”

“Hunith,” he says, “don’t worry. He’ll be fine at the castle. Being my servant isn’t that difficult.”

His what?

“Your servant?” Gregory sputters. “Every time your uncle assigns you one, you fire them for incompetence!”

“Well,” Lord de Bois says, “then he’ll at least be in good company.”

Elyan walks over and claps Merlin in the arm hard enough that he stumbles. “Good luck.”

Lord de Bois rolls his eyes and Merlin considers how his he should really be careful what he wishes for.

He’s going to get plenty of chances to look at Lord de Bois, apparently.

~

His mother lectures him over and over again about keeping his magic to himself, about how they’ll try and control him and abuse him and turn it into something terrible and dangerous if they know what he can do. He really can’t do much of anything, but he nods and agrees and lets her kiss his face.

They don’t have a horse to spare, so he rides with Elyan. Gregory takes the lead, angrily muttering to himself the whole time and Elyan leans over and whispers to Lord de Bois, “We could just make him walk back. He might run out of steam by then.”

“We’re not going to get that lucky,” he sighs.

The ride is shorter than Merlin had feared, which is good because he’s not used to riding. They enter the city just after nightfall and they pull the gates open as soon as they catch sigh of them. Several people brighten and wave when they see Elyan and Lord de Bois, although they duck away from Gregory.

There’s an actual castle. Merlin is being taken to a real castle. It feels fake and he’s walking inside one.

“ARTHUR!” a high pitched, childish voice yells out as the sound of small feet come running.

“Excuse me, my lord,” Gregory says, beating a hasty retreat.

“Is he running from a little girl?” Merlin asks, too surprised to keep silent like he’s supposed to.

“She doesn’t put up with him like we do,” Elyan answers.

What?

“Arthur! You’re back!” shouts a girl who can’t be older than six with brown eyes and curly brown hair.

Lord de Bois scoops her up in his arms. “I told you I would be.”

“You lie,” she says promptly, wrapping her arms around his neck. Merlin finds himself pinned by her narrowed eyes and understands Gregory a little better. “Who’s this?”

Lord de Bois – Arthur, apparently, since now there’s more than one Lord de Bois to keep track of – says, “This is Merlin. He’s going to be my servant. Merlin, this is my cousin, Amabel de Bois.”

Before Merlin can figure out how to greet a child lady, she says, “Hi Merlin. I’m a witch.”

Uh.

Arthur rolls his eyes. “Stop telling people that.” Merlin relaxes. “You’re going to be a sorceress, but only if you study very hard and listen to your mother. You don’t think she became a high priestess without listening to her tutors, do you?”

Merlin tries very hard to not make any sort of expression at all.

“Yes,” Amabel says promptly.

 Arthur makes a face. “Well, maybe, I wouldn’t put it past her, but you have to listen. You haven’t even stabbed any of them with a sword, I don’t know why you’re going through so many.”

“She lit the last one on fire,” Elyan says. “Honestly, between the two of you it’s a shock that any of them are willing to step foot in the castle.”

He shrugs. “Well, my aunt and uncle are very scary. Dad’s not, but that’s what he has them for.”

This is so much worse than he’d feared. Keeping his magic a secret among a bunch of nobles was going to be bad enough, but a high priestess? And a kid training to be a sorceress?

Merlin has no idea what he’s gotten himself into.

[folkloresthings]

seb + reader are in the car and they get in a fight. reader gets out of the car, it starts raining, and seb can’t find her and starts freaking out. when she finally gets home he’s super relieved and apologizes and they make up

vaguely inspired by the all too well tv (10 min vers.) music video but less toxicity 👍

BOILING POINT. ❨ sebastian vettel x reader ❩

the space between you had never been so tense. sebastian’s hands were gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white, your nails nicking at the hem of your dress. it was almost dark out, and you were headed back from a fancy dinner with some of sebastian’s colleagues.

it was your first time meeting most of sebastian’s work friends. people higher up in red bull, bosses and executives and what not. you’d been nervous, but sebastian didn’t seem to think he needed to help ease your nerves. for the most part, you spent the night in the corner of the room, cradling a wine glass and making awkward small talk. sebastian was laughing and making jokes and brushed you off any time you tried to speak to him.

“so, you’re not speaking to me now either?” you mumble, hating the silence.

“you’re being dramatic,” sebastian sighs, head falling back against the headrest as he turns another corner.

“you barely said a word to me all night!” you exclaim, sitting up. you look over at him, his eyes fixed hard and cold on the road. “it was embarrassing!”

“i was working,” he hisses, glancing over at you briefly. “i didn’t have time to talk to you, because i had to impress those people if i want to keep my job. you know, the job that pays for your dresses and holidays and—”

“stop the car.”

sebastian looks over at you, cheeks red with frustration. “what?”

“i said, stop the car.” you can feel the tears stinging your eyes, sebastian’s words pulling at the wrong heartstring. he got like this sometimes, all hot and harsh, but he was never mean. not like that.

he laughs a little, under his breath, but pulls the car over anyway. he doesn’t expect you to actually get out, only to make your point and shout at him a little more and then go home. but you click the door open as soon as the car rolls to a halt and slam the door behind you.

“y/n!” he calls, rolling down the window. “get back in the car!”

you don’t listen, arms crossed and legs moving quickly. sebastian’s used to your stubbornness, and he’s still to caught up in his anger to apologise. “fine! i’ll meet you at home.”

about halfway there, the heavens open and it begins raining heavier than sebastian had anticipated. the rain seems to clear his thinking a little bit, turning the car around with a sharp sigh. he follows the exact same road he took, but you’re nowhere to be found. he tries some other back streets, and still nothing.

panic rises in him. you’re out there, somewhere, cold and wet and sad — and it’s all his fault.

thirty minutes of looking and no avail, sebastian heads back to the house in hopes of finding you. he could have cried when he sees you there, stood at the door, drenched. you spot the car pulling in, watching as sebastian switches off the ignition and climbs out.

“you’ve got the keys,” you tell him, justifying why you were simply stood on the doorstep. your cheeks are red and blotchy, eyes swollen from where you cried the whole way home. sebastian sighs, hurrying over to unlock the door and usher you both in.

“come on, take these off,” he’s quick to help you remove your coat, your shoes, every piece of clothing that’s soaked through. fetching you some pyjamas, he helps you put those on too. when you’re sat at the end of the bed, still not speaking, hair towelled dry and mascara staining under your eyes, sebastian caves.

“i’m sorry,” he mutters, kneeling between your legs. begging for forgiveness. “i should have been better tonight. i should have kept you by my side, showed you off. i shouldn’t have said all of that stuff — i’m an idiot.”

you sniffle, letting his hands wander over you, lips pressing apologetic kisses to your thighs, your stomach, your hands.

“i’ve got the perfect woman, and i act like a fool,” he admits, reaching up to brush your hair out of your face, kissing your cheeks. “i’m so sorry, liebe. you can hit me, if you want.”

it pulls a small smile from you, one he celebrates with a kiss to your lips. swiftly and easily does he lift you from under the arms, switching positions so he’s sat on the mattress, you on his lap.

“what can i do to make it up to you?” he gives you a suggestive smirk, fingers dipping under your waistband. “give me the word and i’m yours, baby.”

you can’t help but smile, shifting a little in his lap, pulling a small groan from your boyfriend. “hm. don’t think you deserve that tonight — but some hot chocolate would be lovely.”

he groans again, this time in despair, falling back into the mattress and taking you with him. you giggle, tucking your head in his neck as he attacks you with kisses. eventually giving up, leaving you to curl up under the duvet as he drags himself to the kitchen. when your hot chocolate comes, it’s a work of art, topped with cream and marshmallows and chocolate shavings.

“only the best for my love.”

[milkywaydrabbles]

Your writing is so good, I love it!! If I may, I'd like to request #16 size difference with Rindou Haitani please. I just love the way you write him ❤️🫶🏾

A/N: Okay so this actually was a little hard for me? Bc Rindou's only 5'8/5'9 and that's not very tall, so I kind of went size difference as in build? With how strong he is I can imagine he's a bit beefier? and the kink really is only on his end, so he's a lil cwazy. Thank you for the request, I hope this is okay and that you like it! Thank you so much for enjoying my work! MWUAH

Size Difference x Haitani Rindou

 Rindou’s never thought much about his height. He’s never been the tallest in the room, he’s never been the shortest either. Conversations about height used to come up when he was in middle school, which were shortly crushed after he showed whoever was trying to run their mouth why his height doesn’t matter, not when he has the strength he does. Now, as an adult and Bonten executive it’s never brought up, there’s no reason to. It’s never been disadvantageous. He never cared. Even after he met you, it never really mattered much. Rindou was still a good foot or so taller than you. 

What he did start to notice around you though, was his sheer overwhelming build. Rindou was strong, naturally, so thick arms and strong shoulders came with the territory. And you were so small, needing Rindou to pick up heavy boxes for you to open jars here and there. He remembers the look in your eyes the one time you asked him to pick up a corner of the couch so you can clean underneath it (he decided to flex more than he needed to just to see you salivate over him.) It started becoming difficult for Rindou to concentrate the more he thought about how delicate you were, how strong he really was around you, until he couldn’t take it anymore. 

After a (particularly irritating--fucking Hanma) meeting with the rest of the execs he came home to the beautiful sight of you casually lounging on the sofa (in his shirt no less). “Hi baby” You chirped, noticing him at the door and bounced over to him for a proper greeting. You didn’t  even get to kiss him before he hoisted you up from your knees and slung you over his shoulder like you weighed nothing. “Rindou!” He heard you gasp over him, and instead of replying he gave a smack on your ass. “Bad day, help me make it better pretty girl?” You knew it wasn’t a real question.

-

“F-fuck, Rin, wait--aah,” it was starting to become harder to breathe, Rindou was so overwhelming around you, strong arms tossing you around on the bed like you weighed nothing. Hands splayed on the back of your thighs, fucking up into you so hard you felt the bed shaking. Rindou saw how his hands engulfed your thighs, how small you looked under him--it was driving him crazy. Wild eyes roamed your body underneath him, folded in half and squirming, looking up until he saw how fucked out you looked: eyes rolling back, brows furrowed, mouth open--drooling. You were a fucking sight. It wasn’t enough for him, so he leaned forward more, pressing your knees to the sides of your chest and covered you with his broad body. You couldn’t help the screams you let out, feeling him so deep in your swollen pussy you swore he was in your throat. “Feel me, beautiful? Feel how deep I am?” Rindou practically growled in your ear, he wondered if you could even process the words he was saying. You nodded, barely, whimpering and crying as he humped into you. “S’deep, Rin--fuck fuck fuck, too much--” You cried as your pussy creamed around him again, his thick cock rubbing against your walls so deliciously it had your head spinning.

“Fuck, pussy’s so good baby” Rindou stayed panting in your ear, only thrusting harder when he felt your delicate hands claw at his back. You could barely get your arms around him in this position, he only furthered his ravenous thoughts of how tiny you really were underneath him--how he could break you in half just like this. In an instant he was off you, your juices spilling onto his thighs as he grabbed hold of your hair and pulled you up, relishing in how easy it is to throw you around. Rindou practically dragged you up with him as he sat up against the headboard, turning you around and immediately shoving his cock back into you as he sat you down on his lap, no time to breathe in between. “G’na fuck you good, pretty.” He mumbled against your skin, kissing your shoulder before his arms looped around your thighs, trailing up and clasping behind your neck--fucking you in a full nelson. You couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move with how forceful and strong he was. If you could see him, you’d know Rindou was so far gone inside your cunt his pupils were dilated, jaw clenched and sweat dripping from his temples. 

So small, so weak, so defenseless. Those words kept repeating inside his mind, telling him his sweet baby needed him, because she was so fucking defenseless against everyone, easily in harm’s way. “I got you baby, I got you.” He whispered against you, though you were so fucked out of your mind you couldn’t process anything anymore. All you could focus on was his thick cock, pumping in and out, in and out, abusing that gummy part of your walls that has you creaming and squelching, white ring all frothy around his base. “Fuck, g’na cum baby,” He panted like a dog, feet planted on the mattress and forcing you down to meet his thrusts, pumping into you until he couldn’t help himself and shot his load deep inside your walls, warm and sticky liquid keeping you stuffed full. Slowly, he let go of you, wrapping his arms around your waist and you trembled, still calming down from each orgasm he gave you. 

You found enough strength to lift yourself off his softening cock, his cum flowing freely now out of your abused hole. “Sorry, baby--think I overdid it.” He murmured, chuckling to himself as he laid down with you to hold you a bit longer, he’d clean you up later. “S’okay, Rinnie...Just--warn a girl before you throw her into the wrestling ring, jesus christ.” He couldn’t help but belly laugh, forehead against your shoulder as he calmed himself. 

“I’ll keep that in mind for the next round.” 

[absolutebl]

Top 10 Great BLs That Are REALLY hard to find (but worth tracking down)

But you may want to go hunting anyway!

Seven Days

Seven Days: Monday-Thursday

Seven Days: Friday-Sunday

Japan 2015

Never doubt my ability to recommend this show. One of the best live action yaois ever made, with perfectly structured angst, fantastic characters and acting, and no problematic tropes (rare in Japanese BL). The leads have excellent chemistry although it’s low heat there’s still some really cute mutual kisses.

Cherry Magic AKA 30-sai made Dotei Da to Mahotsukai ni Nareru rashii

Japan 2020

The sweetest fluffiest magical realism BL, packaged as a pinning office romance, very low heat (practically chaste) but the cutest. It’s truly great.

Cherry Magic Thailand

Thai 2024

A soft charming warm hug of a show about crushes and mind reading and self worth, with no-fuss execution from a consummate team and an OG lead pair proving why they remain eternal and deserve to grow up. Look, here’s the thing, Cherry Magic is a great Thai BL in its own right not comparing it to any other iteration. But even when I do compare (and I've seen all the Cherries and read the manga) it still stands. I personally like it slightly better than the Japanese live action, but I think that’s because I just really like Thai BL and I LOVE TayNew. Also all the kissing was both present and better than any other iteration. As it should be from Thailand.

I Feel You Linger in the Air

Thai 2023

IFYLITA is an exquisite BL, from filming techniques to narrative framework (much like Until We Meet Again). Steeped in history and family drama it edges into lakorn (but no as much as To Sir With Love and with way less scenery chewing). This is an elegant and classy BL... from Thailand which normally doesn't even try for classy. The main couple (both as a pair and individuals) were excellent, particularly Bright (Yai) whose eye-work acting style is a personal favorite of mine. Pity about the ending. Oh it wasn’t that sad but it wasn’t good either. This show could easily have earned a 10/10 from me except that it fumbled the… erm… balls in the final quarter. Argh. Whatever.

All about the ecstasy and the agony here.

Restart After Come Back Home AKA Risutato wa tadaima no ato de

Japan 2020

Atmospheric study in rural Japan meets complex family dynamics built on a romance framework of city boy meets country boy, grumpy/sunshine. It’s beautiful and icy sweet. Slow moving in places but ultimately worth the patience, low heat, low angst, and stunning.

Given

Japan 2021

Boy joins band, falls in love with other boy. The singing is terrible, fast forward through that but with the possible exception of the hair styles, this BL could have been made in 2015 and no one would be surprised. As such, it wasn’t ground breaking, but it didn’t disappoint either.

Make a Wish

Thai 2023

A doctor who can see the dead strikes a bargain with a wish-granting irreverent tree angel - naturally they fall in love (from Sammon: Manner of Death & Triage). Stars Fluke Natouch opposite not Ohm, but who cares because Fluke has chemistry with everybody. Once again the Thai afterlife is incredibly bureaucratic but I enjoyed the premise and the unfolding of the story (it’s not predictable but still satisfying and with nice little twist). I like that the doctor is just gay AF - fag hag bestie and all the swagger. The cast is excellent but the comedic stylings are a bit overblown and tonally off. It had sad parts and did make me cry but is ultimately happy with a great sex scene, good smiley kisses, and all the agency.

2 Moons The Ambassador AKA 2 Moons 3

Thai 2022

A Thai pulp that felt like it came out 5 yrs ago with many of the flaws inherent to that time and studio system, including manufactured angst and convoluted plot, but an ultimately sweet main couple that (as a pairing) feels a bit more modern and satisfying to watch than they started out. This will probably go down in history as one of the few BLs where I genuinely didn’t care about any of the side couples. All that said I find this show oddly appealing and rewatchable and I have no excuses for that.

I Want to See Only You AKA Kimi no Koto Dake Mite Itai

Japan 2022

This is a beautiful, well acted piece of cinema, about two boys who are opposite personalities and grew up together. Gifted and serious Sakura pines after outgoing eccentric manic pixie dream boy, Yuma. It is very pretty and this is the kind of atmospheric elegantly performed BL that only really comes from Japan (complete with dead fish kisses - what you though Korea invented them? oh no).

Triage

Thai 2022

BL does Groundhog Day featuring a doctor stuck in a time loop who must save a poor little rich boy from death by seducing the stuffing out of him, then PLOT TWIST, poor little rich boy must do the same for doctor! Unfortunately... stuffing keeps leaking. I thought the plot was engaging if a little redundant and occasionally exhausting. The pairs were all well done, low heat but with decent chemistry and the support characters were likeable (or unlikeable, as required). If anything, the romance arc detracted and distracted from the main plot, but that doesn't stop this from being a genuinely good show.

HONORABLE MENTION

Great Men Academy

Thai 2019

Bodyswap involving unicorns making a teenage girl into a boy makes this questionable as a BL (because, ya know, gender). But the fact remains that James is killer in the lead, and I (who do not like bodyswap) loved this damn show. Look, there is actual plot, hotties at boarding school, "bully the one you love" trope, some weird VR shit, very bad CGI, and yes, the boys end up together... whether they boys or not, so to speak.

Some of these shows may appear on a smaller streaming service, like WeTV, or they may be on a legal platform in your territory. I hope it goes without saying you should check there first.

(source)

This list updated Spring 2024, not responsible for cool stuff that went missing (or was added to a platform) after that date.

It's it last in a series the rest of which are:

[flower-boi16]

Thinking about this further, Viv could have made good use of the eight episodes she had if she just chose to take the time to rework the story and actually knew how to pace things. Cuz here's the thing, there are other seasons of TV shows I've seen that have had just as much if not LESS time to tell they're stories but are better paced and structured than HH.

The third season of The Owl House had only three episodes to tell it's story. Two of those episodes are 44 minutes long and the last one is 55 minutes long, so it's at least 6 and a half episodes of TOH and Hazbin Hotel, since both shows have similar runtimes. That is LESS than what Hazbin has, which is eight episodes.

There's also Scott Pilgrim Takes Off, a show that, like Hazbin, has eight episodes, so it has the exact same amount of time that Hazbin does to tell its story (I've seen the first six episodes of the show and it's already better paced than Hazbin).

The thing is, the reason why these things have better pacing than Hazbin despite just as much or even less time to tell their stories as Hazbin is because the writers of those shows actually knew how to pace things out and which things to focus on for the story. Viv clearly doesn't know how to pace things and it results in a mess.

And, mind you, The Owl House specifically got its third season cut short by Disney, so Dana and her crew were forced to completely rework 2B and whatever plans they had for season 3. They made sure every second counted when writing TOH season 3 knowing of the short time limit they had. And, the season ended up being an absolutely phenomenal conclusion to the show that provided a satisfying end to the story & characters, and it also ended up being better written, and better paced than Hazbin, despite having less time to tell it's story.

Hazbin could've had decent pacing if Viv didn't try to cram so much into eight episodes because it makes the show feel cluttered and unfocused. The show was already renewed for a second season, why not save all the big stuff for it? I don't know why Hazbin had eight episodes and who made that decision, whether it was an executive or Viv herself, but either way, she should have made good use of the time she had...but she didn't.

And, ultimately, it resulted in everything feeling rushed.

[raimoka]

— " SKYSCRAPER KILLS MY GHOST IN YOUR MEMORY "

｡ ㅤꕤ ㅤ PAIRING: beastzai & reader.

SYNOPSIS: dazai had been always painfully aware of his inability to obtain the things he wanted.

tags ➜ alternate universe—beast, beast spoilers, pining, gender neutral mc, kinda angsty, no happy ending, one-sided love, author is sleep deprived & may or may not have badly executed this work, lowercase as always. ‹𝟹

⋆ author's notes: another part of beastzai brain rot... this work was inspired by someone's else work, check out their account since it rlly gave me more motivation! also PLEASE give me ur thoughts abt beastzai since i rlly wanna write more abt him

send an order!! → guide ❀ flowers ←

"get away from me."

your words were harsh, accompanied with an abrasive tone which emphasized the words that elicited from your lips.

dazai's breath hitched, his expression distorted and his line of sight drawing meaningless figures in the air. he parted his lips open yet no words elicited from his lips, as if fighting against something invisible, as if he was a fish desperately wanting to say something but with the lack of vocal chords, they are unable to. his hands quaked, lowering his head to avoid the gaze piercing through his soul.

it wasn't the same. it was nowhere close, not even the slightest. the emotions reflecting on your eyes, your tone, your feelings towards him, everything about you. your eyes which would often reflect deep fondness and lenience were filled with cold bitterness, there was no single glimpse of love in your eyes, it was merely pure hatred. the look on your eyes stung him, as if his heart was being pierced by multiple glass shards leisurely, each one of them digging in slowly into the piece of flesh to agonize him and making sure he felt the sensation of each piece.

your love for him, or at least to him in another universe, was sweet as a sprig of mignonette. you showed extreme tenderness to him, so much that it brought queasiness to him with intense warmth engulfing his chest to the point it made his knees buckle underneath him yet all the traces of that love you always held for him was gone.

it wasn't the same.

he abruptly began to laugh, you blinked, tilting your head to the side, feigning your confusion as his soft laughters began to fill the tense atmosphere. he couldn't blame you, if someone suddenly laughed in front of him for absolutely no specific reason, he'd think they lost their mind the sound of his laughter slowly began to ebb away, his shoulders shaking, he was idiotic. how could he forget? he always have been conscious of it ever since the reality of his life had unfolded in front of him, dazai was never meant to be happy. he had no right to, he was in no position at all to deserve happiness, not with the pure blood that tainted his hands, everyone was better off without him and it was proven by the existence of this universe.

he was so distracted at the bright sun he saw for the first time in years upon discovering your presence, the luminance he witnessed left him too struck to the point when he stared at it, he forgot his own ugliness. 

he was so preoccupied with the warmthness that enveloped his chest he forgot his own destiny.

it was never meant to be the same.

he had always known that, he was utterly foolish for believing he could at least be with you, even for a moment.

with his head drooped, the sounds of his shoes stepping against the tiled floor was hushed, walking slowly to your frame. you took a step back, slightly. you were entirely befuddled by the situation unwrapping before you, that was a thing for certain. who wouldn't? you didn't know this person nor did he give any sort appearance of familiarity, however, he knew you wholly, he knew your name, your likes, your routine, but he was merely a stranger to you, nothing more, nothing less. the moonlight shone over your figure, making every single bit of features visible, his head still lowered, sticking in with the darkness—It truly looked as if he was already with it for ages, It suited himself.

his hands precipitously reached out to you, attempting to catch a piece of misty clothes, you initially planned to step back, afraid he would do anything that would harm you, nonetheless, all he did was grasp onto your murky clothes. he loathed it, he detested it, your guard was up, you were cautious and alarmed, you didn't trust him at all. you were petrified of what he was scheming when all he wanted to do was hold you and feel your warmth, in hopes it would make him forget his own reality momentarily even if he disliked being completely vulnerable and exposed. you blinked in surprise as his hands clutched onto your clothes, you couldn't see what he was thinking, he was hiding his eyes away from you. strangely, how he did so felt familiar in spite of you having no recollection of him.

he parted his lips once again, finally opening his mouth after a while, "I won't do anything." he assured, he wouldn't be able to handle it if he hurt you in any sort of ways, he wouldn't forgive himself. you remained silent, like a cold, uncomfortable.

"I won't hurt you, It would be imprudent to do so." he reaffirmed once again, despite knowing his affirmation wasn't most likely gonna be effective especially since you barely recognized him. 

all he wanted was just to get a single hold of you, after all, no matter how much he desired you to look at him with pure fondness, to hold his hand, to feel your hand caressing his face, to wrap your arms around his shoulder, and say some kind words to him like you used to, there was one thing for certain; you wouldn't, It's irrational, a stranger would have no right to feel all those, especially when the said stranger is an enemy of yours.

feeling the uneasiness grow further, you lightly placed your hand onto his bitterly cold hands, feeling his excoriated palms—completely besparred with feculent mire—with your thumb. you withdrew his hand away from yours clothes tattered with specks of dust. you were wholly fazed by his actions, it weirded you out. he understood what you were conveying and he backed away from you, lifting his once drooped head up slightly.

his gaze was kept on the ground, as if he was afraid to see the look you held for him. his eyes were swirling with sorrow and melancholiness, small tears swelling up on the corners of his eyes, It reminded you of a all mudded up mutt left in the streets—attempting to domesticate a monster into a lovable thing.

"I apologize for wasting your time." he spoke, and with that he turned around and left, never to be seen again.

It was pointless to meet up with you once more when he knew better than anyone else that you were completely disturbed by him, after all.

It would be the best option to not show himself to you again and accept you would forever hate him.

₍⑅ᐢ..ᐢ₎ @saelique ,, taglists are open everytime.

[ficthots]

Uncharted Territory

A/N: I am so sorry for the long wait. I hope this makes up for it. Josh and his assistant, badish boy goodish girl, fluff, angst, dirtiness. As always let me know what you guys think and enjoy!

Part II

Warnings: SMUT. DNI if you are under 18. 18+ only.

Word Count: 16.9k+

There are a few things in life that just outright suck no matter the spin you try to put on them. Running out of gas on the side of the highway during rush hour because you were running late for work this morning and were stupid enough to say I’ll just do it in the morning. Sucks. Dropping your phone down four flights of stairs because you decided it was time to stop being lazy by taking the elevator every morning and just climb the stairs. Sucks. You know what sucks most of all?

Job interviews.

They were never fun. You had seen many videos on the internet about how to present the very best of yourself in an interview, sell yourself to whoever was showing interest, make them realize they absolutely needed you in their work force. Of course you knew how to apply all of those little quips and tricks into the interview process. Did it make it suck any less?

Nope.

Interviews were still incredibly nerve wracking. Feeling like you were going to stumble over answers, blank on the simplest questions, not know how to apply all of your previous job history to what you were trying to get hired for. Despite how perfect you were for this job, it still sucked.

One of your closest friends had tipped it to you. Saying that one of their friends friends was going to be interviewing to be an assistant to some guy in a band. That there were four members of the band and they were getting so big so quickly that they were all going to be needing their own assistant to handle their daily work loads. 

She had nudged you at lunch one afternoon with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle, mentioning how she could get you an application and interview no problem. You had never heard of them before, immediately pulling them up on Spotify and seeing their monthly listener amount was significantly higher than you originally had assumed. 

It was exactly what you needed to get out of the hellhole you were trapped in now. Believe you me, you were well trained in being an executive assistant. It was what you were doing now, the only downside was your boss was a raging bitch. Your boss before her was not much better, but the experience you most definitely had. This could be your chance to break out of the corporate world of assistants and try something new.

What did you have to lose?

You submitted the application that evening with a resume and cover letter, not expecting anything to come of it. That’s why when you woke up the next morning and saw a message marked urgent from a name you were not familiar with, your stomach flipped. 

Opening the email and asking if you could make it to the first round of interviews the very next day, you were in a permanent state of shock. Agreeing, in a somewhat state of brain fog and letting your mind go to autopilot to handle the interview, it must have gone well.

So well, you were now sitting in round three of interviews after being informed that it had been narrowed down to two people per band member and you were the front runner for all of them. They would be the final interviewer and would be selecting their own assistant. 

Your hands were ice cold, but your mind was still nagging at you that they must somehow feel clammy, nerves wracking your body feeling like your bones were vibrating. Blood was rushing in your ears as you sat at a large conference style table, the view of Nashville quite breathtaking from the floor to ceiling wall of windows, but you were unable to truly take it in. There were five seats on one side of the table, one singular on the opposite side that you occupied.

It was like flipping a switch, putting all nerves at bay and standing as the door opened, offering a tight lipped smile, putting your hand out to give a firm and strong handshake to each of the gentlemen that entered the room. You only knew one, their manager, who had been at your other interviews.

The others were new. As you took them in, you made a mental note about one distinct feature of each to help you memorize their names as quickly as possible. “Mr. Frank, it’s a pleasure seeing you again. Thank you for seeing me through this far,” you took a seat as the others did as well.

He gave a beaming smile, tearing his gaze away from his notepad to catch your gaze. “Absolutely. Let me introduce you to these four. Directly next to me is Daniel Wagner,” he gave a small wave, noting his hair was going to be his distinct feature. “You can call me Danny.” You nodded politely at him, your smile never faltering. 

“Next to him is Sam Kiszka,” he was leaning far back in his chair, almost like he had been forced to be here and do this. He had a dog. “Nice to meet ya. Heard you are practically the best of the best so it’s gonna be a blood bath to claim you as an assistant,” you couldn’t hold in the laugh that bubbled from your throat at his nonchalant tone as he explained that to you. 

Your hands still resting on your lap, you nodded. “That’s very kind of you to say.” They all chuckled, Mr. Frank continuing down the line. “Next to Sam is twin two, Jake Kiszka.” Big hat. It was all you noticed about him honestly. Oh, and that he had a sort of pirate vibe to him. 

He offered nothing more than a slight hat tip and a small grin. You returned the same. Trying to match all of their energy that they were giving you and being a mirror to them was your strategy here. You didn’t care who you were assigned to as long as you were assigned to someone. Anything to get away from your devil of a manager now. 

“And all the way down there is the front man, Josh Kiszka. Twin one.” When your eyes locked with his, you noticed too many things at once to make a note of. You wouldn’t need to. You would remember him.

His eyes were bright and overly large as he peered at you. His cheeks were flushed with a light pink hue. His hands nervously played with each other as they rested on the table in front of him. His tongue continuously darting out to moisten his lips. His lips parted, a toothy smile appearing as he held a hand up in an awkward gesture. 

“Josh. It’s-uh, it’s nice to meet you. Aaron has said a lot about you, all good of course. We’re all very interested. Obviously, I mean in a professional way. Like we want you. As in for your work that is strictly professional. Jesus Christ,” he was speaking so fast and with each word his face grew more red in tint, his siblings stifling their laughter behind their hands as they watched him falter.

Mr. Frank’s hands came down onto the table, swiveling his chair from the direction of the boys back to you, eyes wide in amusement as he laughed. “Okay anyways. I want to first thank you for being so patient with the entire interview process. I know it can be draining and meticulous to do this and you have been outstanding, truly. This can be kind of a niche job and we wanted to make sure that we select the right candidates and that is most definitely you.”

Your smile grew as you thanked him, still remaining mostly silent to let him continue on. “Now, we want you to start as soon as possible. It’s my understanding that you’re currently employed elsewhere so you’ll be needing to put in a notice there, correct?” 

Falling into easy conversation about your notice for your current job, starting date for this position, and the mind boggling amount of travel that you would be doing over the course of their tour had your head spinning. Thrilled that they were so interested in you and that the shitty interviewing process was seemingly over had you trapezing on air.

As Mr. Frank set his pen down, he set his attention on the group, gesturing a hand towards you. “What have you decided?” They all spun around in their chairs, huddling together with their heads all bent in, whispering. The one with the hat- Sam? Damn it, that’s Jake, turned first giving a larger smile than before.

He had selected you. That was fine, you could deal with that. He seemed extremely lowkey and easy going. No problems there. Although, trying to get him to stay on task and get done what needs to be done could pose some issues. That’s what you were there for though, to ensure that he would get his shit together and done. What he wouldn’t complete you would do for him. It came with the terms and conditions. 

While your mind was reeling, already starting to go a mile a minute on what was going to be happening as Jake’s assistant, it came to a sudden halt. “You will be working with Josh. He needs the most structure and guidance to keep him on task and I feel like your personalities will really mesh well.” 

You subdued your surprised expression, keeping your face neutral. If there was anyone you thought you most definitely would not be getting assigned to, it was Josh. He could hardly look you in the eye and the boy was extremely jittery. 

When his beat red face met yours, you gave him a kind smile. It seemed like he needed it. You immediately reached into your bag, grabbing your card and handing it over to Josh and then proceeding to do the same with the others. 

“That’s fantastic. Mr. Kiszka, I look forward to working with you. On this card is my current contact information. I know I am Mr. Kiszka’s assistant, but please do not hesitate to reach out if you need anything. Mr. Frank informed me that I will be receiving a new phone with a new number so I will have that new information to you shortly, but in the meantime that is the current way to contact me if need be.” Mr. Frank’s smile grew as he watched how at the drop of a hat you switched into professional mode.

They all eyed you in shock, looking at the card in their hands like it was made of solid gold. Turning your attention fully to your new boss, you stuck your hand out, watching as he gingerly grabbed it, shaking your hand back. 

Cold. Nicotine use, you thought to yourself. It would explain why he constantly seemed flushed, but the circulation was poor in his extremities. You would get him on some vitamins to fix that, you made a mental note to start that immediately. 

Two weeks positively flew by. Packing up your office and hardly uttering any parting words to anyone, you felt a weight lift from your shoulders as you left the building. This next chapter of your life was going to be one you couldn’t wait to embark on. Subletting your apartment proved easier than you originally assumed. Where you would be staying on the few breaks that were scheduled, you would deal with later, but for the meantime, you were ready. 

Already having a copy of the key to his home, you sent him a fast text reminding him of your appointment with him that afternoon to start going over his schedule, so as not to frighten him when you let yourself into his home. When you pulled up to the curb, you noticed a white Jeep parked in his driveway. Only one car? Odd. Maybe there’s more in the garage. It is a three car garage. 

Walking up to the front door, you used the key, but noticed it was already unlocked. You sighed, shaking your head, but entered the home. It was beautiful at first glance. There was natural wood covering every square inch. The large living room was open concept to the kitchen and dining room. The back wall had large windows that showcased a woodland view. 

Continuing further inwards, your head inclined towards the hallway to see if you could catch sight of him anywhere. When he appeared from the oversized pantry, he jumped, hand landing on his chest. “Fuck! Jesus, you scared the shit out of me.”

He laughed, setting down the bag he had in his hand onto the counter, you chuckled and held up your phone and key. “Apologies. I did text you to let you know I was on my way. You did say text was the easiest way to reach you, right? By the way, you need to always lock your door. There are crazies out there and stalkers and if they find your front door is just unlocked, they will enter.” 

Setting down your belongings at the dining table you had noticed was set up for your meeting, you continued speaking, Josh approaching the table to join you. Opening your planner, checking your phone once more to silence it and place it face down on the table, your eyes met his as you took a seat. 

He didn’t sit, instead offering a large smile, motioning to the house. “Can I give you a tour?” You immediately agreed, standing from the chair as you leisurely began strolling around the home.

“And yes, text is the easiest way to reach me and I saw yours which is why the door was unlocked. I forgot you had a key,” you nodded as you eyed some artwork that he had hanging in one of the hallways. 

Walking around with him was like getting a front row seat to his entire being. How and why he decorated the way he did, his purpose behind it all. He was a fascinating man you were quickly learning. 

Getting back to the dining room, you sat with a large smile and undid the cap on your pen, taking in a deep breath and smiling at him. “Well, Mr. Kiszka, I appreciate you giving me a tour. Your home is breathtaking, really. We should get started. We have a lot of ground to cover in two hours,” his hands enveloped a cup of tea he had brought with him, taking in a large breath as you dove in.

It was thoroughly exhausting starting from scratch with a new boss. Having to learn about their daily habits and quirks. What foods they preferred and when they preferred them. Understanding how often they were on their devices. Memorizing their normal routines and schedules. Honestly, exhausting. 

As you checked over your notes, sipping the glass of water he had gotten for you, it was about time to wrap it up for the day. “Okay, I believe that is just about all I needed from you today. I will be sending over that boarding pass and itinerary. You know I should probably do it now while I’m thinking about it,” grabbing your laptop, you sent the email at lightning speed, Josh’s eyebrows shooting up in surprise. 

“Is there anything else you’ll be needing from me, Mr. Kiszka? Of course, you can always text me, call me, email me whenever, but while I’m here,” your eyes finally looked up from your screen to connect with his squinted ones. 

Leaning back in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest, he shrugged. “Actually, yes.” You perked, sitting up straight to give him your undivided attention. “We are going to be spending a lot of time together,” you nodded, listening intently to him, “so I would like to know more about you.”

Shrugging, you fought within yourself about how to word your response to him without offending him in any way. “With all due respect Mr. Kiszka-” he cut you off with a roll of his eyes and a laugh, “Please stop calling me that. No one calls me that. Really, even Joshua, my government name, would be better.” You tilted your head at him, a disapproving look on your face.

“Mr. Kiszka. I am your assistant, your employee, your go to gal for anything you need,” you took in a breath, trying to explain this to him in the most professional manner you could, “however; I am not your friend. I am not paid to be your friend. I think in order for this to work as smoothly as possible and to ensure I get my work done and you get your work done, we need to recognize this as a boss and subordinate setting.” A smirk was tugging at the corners of his mouth, nodding with a chuckle. 

His hands were folded on his lap, one leg crossed over the other, the dark green jumpsuit not long enough to cover his entire leg when he was sitting like this, your eyes narrowed at him. “No, I completely understand that. You don’t want to be my friend-” you held your hand up to him, one singular finger pointing up, “I never said I didn’t want to be your friend, but that this is only a professional relationship.”

Rolling his eyes again, an amused look took over his sharp features. “Mhm. Well, as your boss I would like you to tell me one fun fact about yourself. Can be anything. Just one fun fact,” setting your jaw at his words, you thought of the most surface level fact you could think of.

“I don’t have a favorite color.” His head fell back, a large laugh shaking his throat. “Bullshit! Everyone has a favorite color. Whether it’s one that you tend to gravitate towards or one that catches your eye more often than others. You most definitely favorite one color.” Shaking your head as you packed up your things, you didn’t look at him. 

Slinging your bag over your shoulder, your hands held onto the back of the chair you had just risen from. “No. I do not.” You offered a shrug, starting towards the front door, your boss following you on the way out. 

When you turned around as you reached the door, his smirk never left his lips. “I’ll find out what your favorite color is. I’ll be the one to discover it for you.” You sighed with a laugh, turning on your heel as you took your keys from your bag. “Have a good night, Mr. Kiszka!” You called over your shoulder, hearing the door shut behind you as you made your way to your car.

Seeing the small bag sitting on your passenger seat you cursed under your breath, grabbing it and heading back to the house. Trying the handle first, you groaned as you realized he hadn’t locked it. “Mr. Kiszka!” His head popped back out from where you two had just been, coming back to the entryway.

“This is for you. Take one a day, recommended with food.” His eyebrows furrowed as he pulled the bottle from the bag. “Vitamin B concentrate. What’s this for?” Your hands were clasped together in front of you, smiling as you explained. 

“Nicotine use, right?” He nodded, a sheepish grin on his face. “That’s what I thought. Your hands are always freezing, but you’re flush constantly. Poor circulation is tied to nicotine use. Vitamin B concentrate aids with many things, but circulation is one of them.” He looked floored that based on one previous meeting you had gathered that information about him. 

Looking at you dumbfounded, he laughed, shaking the pill bottle. “Okay. I will add this to my vitamins list.” You pointed at him at the mention of that. “Send me that list. When we’re on the road it’ll be my responsibility to ensure that you’re always stocked. Oh, and lock the door!”

Nodding at you, he held the front door as you walked to your car once again. When your name echoed out into the air around you, you turned to face him. “Next time, you park in the driveway, okay?” You shot him a thumbs up over your shoulder, thanking him as you entered your car, heading home to begin packing for a trip you were unsure how to pack for. 

Less is probably more, you thought as you searched through your closet. When your phone began ringing, issuing an alert for an incoming Facetime call, you sighed, grabbing it amongst the pile of clothes you had taken out to begin folding and packing away. 

“Hi, mom and siblings.” Their smiling faces met yours, your mom diving right in. “Okay, first day with the new boss. How’d it go?” You looked at the screen, setting the phone up on your dresser, facing you so you could use your hands while still talking to them. 

Placing one packing cube into the luggage, you shrugged. “Busy. It’s still the beginning stages so it’s just a lot of memorization and observation right now. Taking over their schedules, trying to notice every single thing about them. It’s taxing,” your mom hummed in response. 

When your sister's voice came through the speaker, your attention immediately focused on it. “What’s the guy's name again?” Your hands went to your hips, shaking your head with a big grin. “Nope.” Her and your brother's groans caused static to come through the speaker.

“That’s so unfair, birdie. Mom knows!” You laughed at them. “The only reason mom knows is because she’s my emergency contact in case something happens while I’m gone. Not only that, but she wouldn’t know them anyways.” Her face reappeared, glasses sitting low on the bridge of her nose, peering at you from over the frame. 

As your siblings continued arguing with you, your mom spoke up over them. “Where are you going first, birdie?” Explaining the travel plans to her and where you were scheduled to touch down first, your siblings would jump in every once in a while to ask that you bring them a souvenir from that country you had just mentioned. 

Family was important to you. The guilt never subsiding at you moving halfway across the country to start your own life and leave your mom and siblings back home. You missed it. Them. Everything. But this was good for you. 

You recalled being teased growing up for not breaking out of your shell. For being too serious. Memories of older family members asking why you didn’t want to go play with the other kids in the playroom, teachers being shocked at your education levels, coworkers not believing your true age. 

They called you an old soul. You called it having to be an adult as a child. Taking on more responsibility than a kid ever should, but that’s what happens when “dad” skips town on the family. Someone has to step up and help. That fell to you. It carried behind you as you molded and shaped into a young adult and then an adult. All of your professional positions were too similar to what you grew up with.

Dealing with it for years was far too much. Leaving for college nearly killed you, but it was what you wanted. Needed. Each time you spoke to your mom, your heart would ache and guilt would seep into the cracks of your soul about leaving them there alone. 

It would never get easier. 

Standing at the curb at the airport, waiting for their van to arrive, an older woman, a man in his forties, and another younger man appeared next to your side. “You’re Joshua’s assistant, right?” Your eyes peeled from your screen to fully take her in as she spoke to you. She must’ve been at least in her fifties, wearing clothes you had seen your grandmother in nearly ten years ago, gaudy glass jewelry decorating her.

The older man was dressed like a typical dad, in fact, he more than likely was someone's dad. He had a notepad tucked under one arm and paper tickets in his hand that had your eyes nearly bugging out. The younger gentleman was dressed incredibly well, but refused to make eye contact with you.

Nodding with your eyes slightly squinted, you held your hand out to her to offer a shake as she continued. “It’s nice to finally meet you! I’m Patty, Samuel’s assistant. That one is Bob, Jacob’s assistant. The one on the far end is Monty, he is with Daniel.” A smile took over your face at her, trying to bite back a laugh. It seems that they had all picked each other's assistants for shits and giggles.

Based on what you knew of them, Sam got the older woman because she was going to drive him crazy. He had little to no patience. Bob was for Jake, basically a parent to babysit him on the tour to make sure he wouldn’t die. Monty was standoffish and seemingly an asshole by the way he eyed you as you stood there. Totally offsetting the easy going nature of Danny. 

What was the joke with you and Josh?

You had no time to dwell on it any longer because the van pulled up, you staying off to the side as Patty and Monty rushed to the van to grab their people. As each boy exited the vehicle, you gave a smile to each, chuckling as Sam flipped Danny off as Patty handed him sticky notes with her thoughts for him. 

Danny awkwardly stood in front of Monty as Monty did not utter a word to him, counting the bags that got off for him before turning and handing him the luggage tag and asking him if he had received the itinerary information he had sent last night.

Jake gave a seemingly large smile to Bob, feeling happy that at least one of them got along well enough with their assistant. They fell into easy chatter about his baggage and flights today. When his curly head was the last to exit, you gave a small wave to him, seeing his large smile take over his face when he saw you.

“Good morning, Mr. Kiszka. I already took care of your luggage with the curbside attendants so when they remove it from the van it will be tagged and moved. Your boarding pass should be on your Apple Wallet. I did get the TSA precheck done for us so that is one thing we won’t have to worry about the entire tour. Oh, and we also have global entry for the international aspect. Your seat is 24A, I am 26A, within reasonable distance so if you need anything just give me a shout.” 

His smile never faltered as you shot out all of that information to him, giving a shit eating grin to Sam, who looked like steam was about to cascade from his ears. As you both approached TSA with the group, the confused looks of everyone else as you two made your way to the precheck line was gold. 

“Hey, how’d you do that?” Danny grumbled, reaching the end of the line as you and Josh kept moving forward, Josh’s loud cackle echoing through the area. You two reached the gate with a laughable amount of time before the others. Scanning the area, you knew coffee was going to be needed in order to get through the long travel day ahead. 

“Starbucks is down that way.” You smiled at Josh, pulling out your phone to reload your app. “Thank you. What can I get for you?” He stretched, shaking his head and moving in the direction he had just motioned towards. “Oh no, I’ll go with you. We have a five hour flight ahead of us, before a two hour layover, and then another three hour flight. I need to be moving,” you nodded, the two of you walking towards the coffee shop in silence. 

He finally cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable by the silence you were drenched in. “Have you ever been to Europe?” You shook your head, grabbing your wallet out of your bag as you two stood in line waiting for your turn, the app not working as your eyes remained locked to your screen. “Never traveled outside of California and Tennessee.” 

You thought you heard his jaw hit the floor at your admission. “You’re joking?” Fighting a smile, you shook your head again. “No. I never traveled with my previous bosses and if I did it was just inside state limits. I would take over their office responsibilities while they were gone wherever,” his hand rubbed at his jaw. 

“And nothing for personal travel?” Sighing and reading the menu, your head continued in the same motion. “Opportunity never presented itself.” You could tell he had a million questions, wanting to know all the details about it, but your saving grace was being called up next in line. 

He tried to start up again as you both stood to the side of the counter waiting for your orders to be called, but he was cut off by your personal phone ringing. You smiled seeing your mom’s photo take up your screen, turning your body away from him to quickly and quietly talk.

“Hey, I’m at the airport. Boarding starts in about twenty minutes. I’m waiting for coffee right now. Yes, I will text you. Okay. Okay. Okay. Bye, you too.” Slipping your phone back in your pocket, he had a smirk playing on his face. Your order was yelled out into the busy shop and as you grabbed it, his order right next to yours, you knew you weren’t going to be getting away from conversation with him. 

Josh was practically rocking on his heels, itching to speak as he sipped his tea. “Was that your mom?” His lighthearted tone had an excited, but jokey manner to it as you fought the urge to roll your eyes at him. “Yes.” What you could have sworn was a giggle came from his mouth, a large smile still plastered on his face.

“What’s her name? Tell me all about your mama.” He nudged you, eyes eager and hopeful that he was about to delve into your past and learn about you, even just a bit. Luckily, as you approached the gate, the gang was just arriving, all frazzled as boarding was due to begin in just a few minutes. 

Biting back laughter and sipping your coffee, Sam and Danny quickly approached you, handing their phones over, you looked at them confused. “Whatever you did to get you and Josh through, please do for us.”

Josh had approached the counter and when he came back over to you, flashed his screen towards you. “26B. Seat buddies!” You bit back a laugh and smile you could feel forcing its way on your face. He was going to be too damn much to handle. 

Why were you excited about it?

The first few weeks were a blur on the road. It was a life you had never experienced before. Going to bed in one city, working in another for twelve hours, and then repeating it over and over. The days all faded from one into another. 

It was enthralling. 

This was something you had thought of, envied others for actually doing. Never knowing what steps needed to be taken to get the plans in motion. Staring at plane tickets sitting in your checkout cart, waiting, begging to be purchased. To go someplace new, try something new, meet someone new. 

Now, it was happening. 

It was exhausting. 

You had never been so sleep deprived in your life. Between learning how to sleep in a bunk bed in a constantly moving bus, insanely late hours after shows had concluded, and being up to watch the sunrise more days than not, you were still trying to adjust. 

How long does it take someone to embrace and thrive on a new schedule? You were still trying to answer that. Learning the ins and outs of your boss was proving easier than you originally thought. Josh was a simple, but still a somewhat complex person. Being glued to his side for three weeks meant diving into the nitty gritty of who he is. 

His food choices were quite limited, not offering many options due to the restrictions he was under for his job. You figured he would consume quite a few adult beverages, but not near as many as you had witnessed so far. He required much needed destress and alone time that he would typically meditate or reflect during. Josh called his mom nearly every single day, even if it was just for a few minutes to chat and check in. While he had a phone and used it, it was nowhere to the extent of most people his age. He appreciated a good coffee and would do his best to find a new place to try in every city you found yourself in. He always invited you. 

Every chance he could, your name was slipping from his tongue, offering a spot for you to go with them to the bar they were going to be visiting after they finished performing. If he was venturing out to explore a city and wanted to visit a coffee shop, his eyes would fall to you, asking to be his company because everyone else was too hungover to be out that early. 

He had wormed his way in with you in ways you hadn’t even noticed, but he did. Being up somewhat early to sit with you in the bus, basking in the silence as you peered out the window in awe of whatever you were whizzing by. Sometimes working, he would remain somewhat silent, but always finding a way to bring some chatter between you both. All he wanted to do was learn more about you, spend time with you. That’s why he always extended invitation offers for anything he was going to do to you. 

At first, you politely declined each invitation. However, after one too many late nights working, you decided a walk to the coffee shop he described in immaculate detail sounded quite nice. A change of scenery from the inside of a tour bus or the same walls of a hotel room that you couldn’t identify out of a line up if your life depended on it was needed to keep your sanity in check. Josh literally jumped for joy right in front of you.

It elicited a laugh, which was not unusual. He had quite the knack for humor, people around him constantly clutching their sides from his jokes and quips. What made you laugh the most though, was his natural personality. He wasn’t afraid to be himself, no matter how ridiculous he appeared to others.

Admirable. 

“A large mocha please. Thank you,” as you reached to pay, Josh’s card slapped onto the reader, instantly paying for your coffee. Shooting him an unamused look, you grabbed your phone, Apple Paying him for the exact amount with a smile. 

Rolling his eyes at you, he placed his own order before accompanying you at the table you had sat at. He gave a large smile as he plopped into a chair across from you. Tilting his head ever so slightly, he took in the side of your face as you peered out to the street outside. Trying to place what city you had arrived in without being awake and present for it.

“Your nose twitches when you think,” you were startled by the voice breaking the silence you had been sitting in. Your eyes fell to the boy and slightly narrowed at him, a smirk tugging at your lips. “Does not.”

He shrugged, leaning back in his chair, still clad in loungewear, hair a poofy mess displaying he had in fact just rolled out of bed fifteen minutes ago and eyes set deep littered with exhaustion. “Do too. Oh, thank you so much, Maria!” Without another moment to respond, your coffee order was placed in front of you and the muffin you had been eyeing was there as well. Right in the middle of the table.

Knowing you didn’t place the order for the muffin, your eyes fell to the indifferent boy seated across from you as he brought the scalding liquid to his pursed lips. “Did you know her or something?” His brow furrowed, shaking his head as he set the mug back down, subconsciously pushing the plate towards you a bit more.

“No, why?” Shaking your head, you brought your own cup to your lips, eyes falling back to the bustling street outside. “You knew her name.” Still seeming confused by your response, his pinky finger continued to push the plate in your direction. “Her name tag was pinned to her shirt.” Nodding at his words, you fought a smile.

Of course he would actually call people by their names, even if they didn’t want it, which you could tell took the young girl aback. That’s such a Josh thing, you thought to yourself. The more you thought about it the more you realized that Josh always called everyone by their first names. Any chance he could, he would. You couldn’t count the amount of times you had heard him asking people for their names. 

And he always remembered. 

Josh picked at the muffin, popping a piece in his mouth, making a motion with his hand to you with expectant eyes. “I won’t eat it all. I mean don’t get me wrong it’s delicious, but too much sugar.” You fought the urge to roll your eyes, taking a piece of the crumble topping and placing it in your mouth.

Playing off how amazing it truly was, Josh’s lips fought off a beaming smile, a small victory in his books. It had been weeks together, every single day, countless hours, but he wasn’t making personal hedgeway with you. Professional? It was unreal how quickly you had caught on to his schedule and attuned your work to his. Personal? Not a damn inch. 

You ordered your coffee quietly, too quiet for him to hear the full order which was excluding him from being able to order it for you just once. He had no idea what, if any, family or friends you had other than your mom because you had no social media presence anywhere. Not the slightest inkling to what food you enjoyed more than others because when you ate it was opposite hours of him. Josh didn’t even know if you liked their music because you hadn’t attended one of their shows. Pre-show prep was far too hectic for you to pay attention to anything other than your duties and you slept while they performed, but were present again for post-show to ensure anything he needed was taken care of. Worst of all, he hadn’t figured out your favorite color because all you wore were neutral tones and all of your personal belongings you kept packed away so he never saw them.

It was driving him mad. 

In order for Josh to get along with someone he needed a connection. Anything. You were offering nothing. Even Danny was making moves with his assistant who was a complete asswipe. The woman who was old enough to be Sam’s grandmother acted like that. A grandmother. Jake basically had their dad on tour with them. But Josh?

Nothing. 

Your goal on the other hand was working just fine. Productivity was at an all time high, it was a side of life you never thought you would be able to live in let alone enjoy, and you got along just fine with your boss. 

Because that’s what he is. Your boss.

Was it difficult to continue hiding aspects of yourself and personality to keep the relationship with him strictly professional? Yes and no. Obviously you were giving some signs because you were munching on a blueberry muffin that you had thought you gave no indication that you truly wanted it. So of course there was some leeway, but otherwise it was working fine. 

In order for this to continue on the successful path it was, you needed to play by the rules. Did you generate those rules? Yes, since there were absolutely none laid out for you when you started, but rules were there for a reason. To ensure everyone carried on with their work in the most efficient way possible. 

Honestly, it seemed like it was the only way you were going to survive nearly a year on the road with them. If you started getting personal, it would only make it much more complicated and difficult to get work done. Keep emotions out of it.

That’s the key to success right there. Josh despised it while you thrived on it. 

In fact, Josh never played by the rules. Bed times didn’t exist, alarms were never set, naughty things spoken without a second thought, he was the literal definition of fuck it. Which you discovered the more time you spent around him and his siblings that he was the one that needed the most structure in his life. That’s where you come in.

Was that the reason you were selected for Josh? That was what Jake had said in your interview, but given the jokey nature of the others and their assistants there had to be something more.

Providing a daily routine, schedule, something to keep him going at an acceptable pace. Executing it in a way that he didn’t tend to notice, making him think that he was still playing by his own rules. No rules. It took some time to get used to at first, but now it was a piece of cake. As easy as could be. 

However, Josh was working you a bit, too. That’s why you were eating a muffin top, laughing with him about the mishap on stage from the night before that you weren’t there to see, but had heard all about it. He was going to crack you, he just had to make sure you wouldn’t notice it. 

The alarm went off on your phone just as you finished the last swig of your coffee, eyes going slightly wide at the message on your screen. “Alright, we need to head back. You have an interview with a magazine in forty-seven minutes with Danny and then we need to get you to sound check for the show tomorrow night because the venue is closed tomorrow morning. There was an issue with the manager and he can only be here today so it needs to get done today.” 

Josh’s deadpanned expression on his face let you know that he was not excited for what the day held in store for him. Sighing and tilting his chair back ever so slightly, he looked out the window, a smirk tugging at his lips. “Let’s make a deal?” Shaking your head at his words, you placed your empty cup on top of the plate that now only held remnants of the muffin you had split with him. 

Did you split it? Or did you eat it all? No, you could’ve sworn he ate some, too. Are the dress pants you needed pressed on top of the black suitcase or tan suitcase? Josh’s jumpsuit should be back from the cleaners today, Jake’s suit should be, too. Make a note to call the cleaners and check on that. 

“Unless the deal is getting back to the hotel within the next ten minutes and making you look presentable for the interview, the answer is a resounding no. You need to wash your hair today, by the way.” He groaned like a teenager being asked to take the trash out, head thrown back, adam's apple bobbing as the noise escaped him, arms crossed over his chest. 

Grumbling as he finally stood from the table and following you out the entrance back in the direction you had come from. Never asking what the deal was, the afternoon went without a hitch. The interview was quick and efficient, sound check practically the same, you found yourself laying on the bed in your hotel room, eyes drifting shut as the air conditioner rumbled to life. 

You could feel yourself slowly falling into the warm embrace of sleep, teetering on the edge of a blissful nap until your next alarm would go off signaling it was time to get back to your responsibilities. The pounding at your door had your eyes flying open, your body sitting upright on the mattress and turning towards where the noise had emitted from.

Tilting one head to the side and feeling some of the tension in your neck release, you pulled the door open to see a frazzled Jake standing on the other side with a twin in tow. Before Jake had even spoken, Josh shot you a truly apologetic look. “I can’t find my suit anywhere. We leave for the venue in twenty minutes and I have no idea where it’s at. I swear to god if it’s lost I’m going to lose my mind. I’ve been calling and texting you, are you not near your phone?”

Your brain was trying to catch up with how quickly he was speaking and process the information he was feeding to you. Josh’s hands went to his hips, shooting daggers at his brother, but took a deep breath to calm himself down before exploding on him.

“Relax. We’re gonna find it,” you fought the urge to rub at your eyes, grabbing your phone from your back pocket and seeing that you had nearly thirty missed calls and texts from all of the brothers and assistants. The hairs on the back of your neck stood to attention, feeling dread pounding into you when you realized how long you had been asleep and that you had missed all of these messages from your boss. 

“Jake, your suit? It was with the cleaners and I had them deliver it directly to the venue so we didn’t have to transport it. I always have Josh’s jumpsuits taken directly to the venue so we don’t have to worry about it and I had the same done for yours. I apologize for not informing you about that. I am also so sorry for missing all of your calls and texts. I fell asleep and didn’t realize how long I had been out. It won’t happen again, Mr. Kiszka.” You could see Jake’s shoulders instantly release the tension he had been holding onto at your words, a small breath of air escaping through tight lips.

Josh’s intense glare never left his sibling, stance still the same as it was. “Apologize to her now.” Your eyes went wide, instantly going to say otherwise and how it wasn’t necessary, putting the blame solely on yourself. Your boss's hand came up, halting you before you could speak up. 

“No, no. He absolutely owes you an apology. You asked her to take care of your suit because Bob was incapable of finding a good cleaner and she did. I don’t appreciate you treating her like you are. She was resting, she is allowed to do that because her services were not needed for,” he checked his phone for a fleeting moment, “sixteen minutes. She and I have a system in place and if you would occasionally like her assistance, you need to treat her how she deserves to be treated. Apologize. Now.” Standing there positively gobsmacked and unsure what you were supposed to be doing in that moment, you watched as Jake’s jaw set. 

A small expulsion of air left his nostrils as he turned to you, clearly unhappy with what his brother was forcing him to do. “My apologies. I was not aware of the process with Josh’s wardrobe and I shouldn’t have spoken to you in that way and made assumptions like I did. Forgive me.” You nodded fervently, hands clasped together in front of your body, nearly refusing to make eye contact with him. 

“Of course. My communication should have-” Josh’s hand went up again, shaking his head and cutting you off. “Absolutely not. Jake is aware of the process and it slipped his mind. You did everything right. Jake, go.” His twin filed out of the room, not looking your way again as he left.

The heavy hotel door shut behind him and in what can only be described as a word vomit, you quickly spoke. “I am so sorry. I don’t know what happened, I thought I just closed my eyes for a second and I have no idea how the vibrations of my phone didn’t wake me up. I assumed he knew that his suit would be delivered to the venue and I shouldn’t have made that assumption.” 

Josh’s sincere smile took over his features, waving you off. “Don’t worry about it. He’s being an ass because he and his girlfriend haven’t fucked in weeks and they’re fighting. He’ll give you an actual apology in a day I promise.” 

That was the first time he had stood up for you. It wasn’t the last either. Tough spats between siblings often turned to their assistants when in bad and annoyed moods. It was expected with how much time they were spending with each other.

What wasn’t expected was every time another assistant, crew member, or sibling tried speaking in a way that was anything but friendly to you had irked Josh in a way that had him standing up for you in any way he could. Everyone knew to only step on toes once because Josh would set the record straight thereafter. 

You weren’t sure how to feel about it. In this line of work, it was almost part of the job description to be treated subpar. Not in Josh’s job description. He was so grateful that over the first half of the tour you had been so amazing with anything and everything that this job could encompass, he felt it completely necessary to defend you. 

Compared to the others, you were a literal saint. You never strayed from your job and its responsibilities. He hardly ever caught you on your personal device and when he did, you were wrapping up a call with someone who he could only assume was your mother. Your entire life revolved around him. Of course he was going to stand up for you. 

His siblings teased him relentlessly for it. They said it was incredibly obvious he was in love with you. Entirely enamored with you. Sam claimed he had caught him on more than one occasion just watching you. 

His favorite tale was at a winery in Italy. You stood off to the side of the tour group, a wonderful sundress lightly fluttering in the breeze, sunglasses alternating from resting on the bridge of your nose to the top of your head, your skin glowing from the late summer sun. Sam and Danny nudged each other, snickering as they watched their brother. They said Josh stared at you with his jaw slightly agape for nearly fifteen minutes. 

Was he taken aback by seeing your bare shoulder for the first time? The puffy sleeve of your dress resting on the tops of your biceps. The neckline dipping dangerously low over the curve of your chest. A single gold necklace with a dangling pendant of your zodiac sign resting soundly against you. The dress hem resting midcalf, the most leg he had ever seen from you. He was just surprised is all. 

That’s all. Nothing more.

Did he think about that afternoon for the next month straight? How smooth your skin would be under his fingertips, igniting and bristling as he traced every curve and committed every feature to memory. What kind of reaction would happen if you started with secret touches shared amongst one another. What you would do if his hand found home on your hip in front of everyone. How you would respond to him maneuvering your head to the side, allowing him unrestricted access to the large expanse of bare skin, goosebumps erupting as his breath fanned along your neck. Of course not. Anyways, he would never admit it to anyone if he did.

Which he didn’t. 

It didn’t matter because in his mind you were in no way shape or form interested in something like that with him. No, you only viewed him as a boss. Your boss. The boss. It’s why you refused to divulge any information about yourself to him. 

Sure, after the incredulous amount of time you had spent together, he was going to find out some things about you. Like how easy it was to make you laugh. He had a knack for it somehow because when Sam tried telling you jokes they almost always fell flat. That you were a diagnosed insomniac and he could almost always find you up in the middle of the night with a sheepish grin as you read a book. Oh, and that you adored trashy literature. Your book fell from your bunk and when he picked it up to put it back, his eyes widened at the utter filth adorning the page. His cheeks burned crimson for the next week whenever he looked at you. 

But that was about all. It was killing you.

The more you got to know Josh and the more time spent together, all you wanted to do was share some personal things with him. Instead, you fed tiny insignificant tidbits about yourself to him to not only keep him at bay, but you as well. That you loathed socks, were an avid watcher of Star Wars and all franchise shows, and that you preferred tote bags to actual purses. 

You highly doubted he even remembered those things about you, but deep down you knew he did. It meant too much to him to not. Each time he would ask you to accompany them on a night out, it was growing more and more difficult to turn it down. The more time you spent with him, which was nearly every waking minute, all you wanted to do was spend time with him in a nonprofessional setting.

That’s not good. That was what you knew would tip the scales and everything you had been working towards, every boundary you had set, would be out the window. Being on the road was proving to be a lot lonelier than you had originally assumed. 

Of course, there was some basic understanding that because of the limits you had put in place with the band that social interaction on a more personal level would be dimmed, you didn’t think it would be quite like this. With the few lonesome hours that you did experience, while it was a blissful and welcome break, you found yourself longing for someone to share the time with.

Why was your mind wandering to Josh? You spent the most time with him. That’s why. No other reason. Imagining tracing the slope of his nose with the tip of your finger. How his plush lips would feel against the pulse of your neck. Teeth nipping at the skin and soothing it with his tongue right after. 

Knock it off!

It was rare. Having three days off in a row. No interviews, no sound checks, no duties that had to be taken care of during that span of time. Where better to have that happen than in France. It was actual heaven. 

Many moons ago, one of your closest friends from high school had gone off to college and during one of her years, had taken the opportunity to study abroad. You can recall spending hours on the phone with her listening in great detail to her tales and trying to picture yourself doing what she had done. Of course, a majority of those things you could never do, but one small story had stuck with you through the years.

She had described a small village in France, an incredibly sleepy town that was the quietest place she had ever been to. The food was indescribable, the city was phenomenal with mainly mom and pop shops, and overlooking the ocean from anywhere you could look in the town. You had been fantasizing and daydreaming about this village since she had told you.

Now, it was your turn to be there. Waking up with the sun, getting ready as silently as possible as to not wake anyone up, and trying to sneak out of the hotel room. You thought you were golden until you heard your name leave his lips. You jumped with a start, hand landing over your heart. “Jesus! Mr. Kiszka, good morning.” 

His smile never diminished, eyes squinting at you being fully dressed this early in the morning. On a non-work day. “Good morning to you, too. Where are you off to this early in the am? Running off and leaving us all behind?” You gave a tight lipped smile, letting the hotel room door fully close behind you, your back connecting with the wood. 

Checking the time on your phone, you knew you needed to get a move on. “Since it is my day off, yes I am.” Josh shrugged, bottom lip lightly pushing out as his eyes fell downcast, a sigh following. “Oh okay. Well we’ll be around here if you need anything. Don’t think we’re doing anything today really. Just wandering around. Anyways, yeah I’ll have my phone on me if you need anything. Just give me a call or text. Whatever.” Guilt was worming its way into your gut as you watched his mood continue to sour, sighing quietly and checking your phone again.

“If you can be dressed and ready within ten minutes you can come with me. If you’d like,” his head snapped up at you, eyes bright with excitement. He calmed down, cheeks turning a light pink as he turned from your smirking gaze. “I wouldn’t want to intrude on your day off. You spend enough time with me as is.” 

There was that feeling again. 

Against your better judgment, it came tumbling from your lips before you could stop it. “No, I would love it if you would come. Really,” your smile grew at the end, seeing how excited he truly was to hear you say that. He was practically bouncing in his spot, joy seeping from him in waves. 

“If you insist! Let me just change super quickly and grab some stuff and then we’ll go.” You nodded, standing there waiting for the boy to reappear from the room directly next to yours. Nerves pummeled you, constantly checking over your shoulder to see if anyone was going to slip out of their own room and see you waiting for Josh. It was entirely ridiculous, he was your boss. No one would even bat an eye at it, but there was something screaming inside of you that this was going to be a bad decision. 

That something was going to shift today that you wouldn’t be able to take back. Maybe that’s what you wanted.

You didn’t have much time to dwell because he came bounding out of the room, green jumpsuit adorning his slight frame, hair a wild untamed ball, camera resting soundly on his arm. Josh’s eyes that once held your own fell down to where your gaze was currently sitting and he beamed at you. 

“I take it the jumpsuit was a good call?” You returned the smile, shaking your head as you began walking down the hallway. “Oh, of course. It’s just that’s what you were wearing during our first meeting. The color suits you very well, Mr. Kiszka.” He groaned as you entered the elevator together, turning to fully face you as it began its trek downwards. 

He placed both hands in a prayer formation, landing right under his chin, large eyes peering into yours. “Please call me Josh. While it’s just us today, okay? I won’t tell anyone. It won’t damage your resume, promise. Today, it’s Josh, alright?” You battled within yourself, gnawing on the inside of your cheek, forcing your mouth open, teeth sank into your bottom lip.

Eyes traveling up to connect with his once more, you let out a large sigh. “Just today. Okay, Josh?” He almost fell over as his name left your lips for the first time. In fact, he had no idea how to respond. Only nodding, swallowing thickly, he turned away from you, standing barely a hair from one another, his widened eyes stared at the elevator doors as they parted for you both.

His knuckles were stark white from the grip he had on the wooden railing that was around the entire metal box. Reluctantly letting go, he watched as you waltzed out into the lobby, second guessing every decision leading to this moment.

What the fuck had he done? 

The train ride to the town began as any other day would for the two of you. First, talking about the upcoming week and what it would entail work wise. Second, about what food Josh was hoping to find wherever you were going to be going. Third, Josh fiddling with his camera and talking nonstop to fill the silence that would linger between you both. 

You had gone through the motions within the first fifteen minutes. Then you did something entirely unexpected. 

“When we get there, can you help me find an antique shop or something like that? I haven’t gotten a gift for my sister yet and she’ll kill me if I don’t,” you chuckled at the end, peering out the window and taking in the majestic scenery zooming by. When Josh didn’t respond, you turned your attention over to him to see a blank expression sitting on his face. A complete deer in the headlights moment.

Your brow furrowed before realizing you had given him a fact of your life without even catching it. He cleared his throat, trying to redeem himself and play it cool, but he was about to bounce off the walls. “Sur-absolutely. How old is she?” He wasn’t holding eye contact, but you knew what he was doing. 

Fighting a smile, you turned back towards the window, chin resting on your palm. “She and my brother are twins. They are fourteen. I found something for him a while ago, but nothing for her.” Josh couldn’t contain his utter joy any longer. His hand went to his chest, pointing at himself. “Jake and I are twins!” 

Pretending to be shocked, you played into it. “Shut up! No way! I had no idea,” he rolled his eyes at your sarcasm, but a giggle flitted from him as his cheeks grew rosier by the minute. “Yeah yeah whatever. What does she like?”

You filled him in on all the details of your siblings, never revealing their names, the rest of the ride there. When you stepped off the train and got in a cab to get to the little town, and realization of where you were slammed into you, you couldn’t fight the tears that welled in your eyes.

Getting out of the car, it was like a burden had been lifted from your shoulders. The smell of the sea wafting through the air. The cobblestone streets that you had only dreamed of seeing and walking on. The locals carried on with their daily lives, where they were being of little importance to them. To you it was everything. 

It was the life you had dreamed of living. That once seemed so unobtainable, but now you were living it. Having escaped from the hellscape of childhood and young adulthood. Everything you had worked towards. It was here. 

A hand landed in between your shoulder blades, the cool skin signaling to whom it was pressed against the bare skin there. Offering a small smile to him, his worried look was plastered on his features. “You okay?” Taking in a deep breath, your smile continued to grow as you nodded in response.

“Never been better.” His face lit up at your words, immediately leading you towards the city center to start the day. Arm never leaving you, you wrapped your own through the crook of his elbow. Josh’s eyes nearly falling out of his head at the contact you offered him.  

It truly was one of the best days of your life. Sides ached from the amount of laughter shared between you two. Stories were given to one another about the tales of adventures shared with friends and family. Walking so close to each other you swore you could feel the goosebumps rise on his skin with each brush of your arm. 

Comfortable. Delightful. Electric. 

The sun was beginning to dip below the horizon. The rays glistening and dancing on the ever moving water below it. Casting everything in its touch with hues of orange and pink. Complimenting all creatures with the sun kissed glow. The restaurant seated for amazing views of the coast. 

Sipping from your cocktail glass, you and Josh were cackling into them, earning stares from those occupying the tables around you. The view was breathtaking and you couldn’t help that your eyes would continue to wander to it whenever an opportunity presented itself. A lag in the conversation meant your smile was permanently stuck to your face, one of the best moods you had ever been in holding strong on you. The day had been beyond what you had dreamed of. 

The company wasn’t too bad either.

“Craziest thing you’ve ever done?” Snapping out of your own thoughts, you turned towards the boy seated across from you, hands folded on the table as he leaned towards you. Sighing with a shrug, you took another sip of your cocktail, shaking your head. “Good try.” 

He groaned, slightly leaning back into his seat, nearly giving up before he gave a hefty shrug of his shoulders. “Yeah I figured. It was worth a shot though. I’ve pushed my limits with you today. Not only that, but you’re a complete goody two shoes.” It was at that moment something clicked in you. 

After being so cold towards Josh for so unbearably long, just trying to keep things on a professional level, he had hardly ever pushed you to share information you weren’t comfortable with. Sure, he would annoy the hell out of you to find out any information he could, but he knew boundaries and didn’t push them. 

And you despised being called a goody two shoes.

“I took my moms car when I was a senior in high school and drove to Las Vegas with my friends during senior ditch day. My friend had gotten us fake ids and we used them to gamble what little money we had in the casinos and get drinks. We ended up so plastered we had to get a room for the night and put it on one of my friends credit cards. My mom thought I was just staying at her house for the weekend. That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever done. Oh, and I was high for a majority of the time.” Your eyes were squinted in his direction, challenging him, trying to read his reaction, his jaw hanging slack.

Who’s the goody two shoes, now?

He blinked multiple times, trying to come back to his senses before shaking his head, a loud laugh shaking his entire body. “Holy fuck! That’s actually insane. Did your mom notice the miles on the car?” Finishing off your drink, you thought about that. “You know, I actually don’t know. If she did she never said anything about it. I never acted out or did anything so I think she was just happy I went and did something fun, but those days are behind me. One and done you know? She always used to say that her birdie needed to learn how to fly. I think that was her way of letting me,” Josh’s soft smile warmed you from your head to your toes, spreading throughout every limb, settling low in your stomach.

Tilting his head at you, his smile grew. “Birdie. Is that your nickname?” Your cheeks grew hot, not even noticing that you had let that slip. Only nodding in response, he winked at you. “I love that. It’s so,” his eyes continued to watch over you as his smile grew, “you.” You didn’t know how to respond, not knowing if it was a compliment or not, but Josh continued on. 

“Mine is nothing like that. Growing up in the midwest, underage drinking was the norm. It was how we passed time. Mine’s dumb compared to yours. I went skinny dipping once and got my clothes stolen by my brother. Had to walk over a mile home butt ass naked. At least it was summer though,” you were laughing so hard you had tears streaming down your face, trying to catch your breath.

Josh rolled his eyes at you, face burning bright red, arms crossed over his chest. “Yeah yeah yeah, whatever.” As you settled down, wiping at your face with your napkin, you felt a sense of boldness wash over you, speaking before you could think twice about it. “I’ve always wanted to skinny dip.” 

It was like flipping a switch. Watching as his eyes turned from one of joking to instantaneous mischief. Setting your now empty glass on the table, you began fervently shaking your head and a continuous chorus of no’s left your mouth. He nodded, entirely ignoring you and quickly standing from the table, the bill paid over an hour ago.

Dragging you through the streets, laughter bouncing off the surrounding buildings, you couldn’t catch your breath as his hand held a firm grasp on your arm. His chilly hand clamped to your forearm, grip never relenting despite the tiny fight you were putting up to actually escape from him. 

Unsure of where he was leading you, your head was on a swivel, trying to place your location, but it didn’t seem to matter because Josh seemed to know this place like the back of his hand despite never having been here before. When a small lake appeared, your laughter died down to giggles as you peered at the boy.

“How the hell did you know this was here?” A sheepish smile took over his face, cheeks going rosy as he bashfully kicked his leg around. “Walked by it earlier. Do you not remember that?’ You tried thinking back to earlier in the day when you would have made your way by this, but when you were about to say you truly didn’t it dawned on you.

Your mouth fell open and your palm landed on your forehead. “Oh! That’s right. We were going to the, the, the-” you were snapping your fingers, trying to place where you were heading before Josh cut you off, “the patisserie.” Your smile grew thinking back to the chocolate concoction you had consumed just hours before. 

Sitting on the grass with a sigh, you felt elated. “Thank you for coming with me. Seriously, I think you made the day ten times more fun than I would have ever had by myself.” He took the spot next to you, stretching his legs out with a groan, knee nearly knocking with your own, resting his arms behind him. “You’re just saying that. Trying to get in my good graces. I know your tricks,” laughter fell from you both as you nudged him with your shoulder.

“Damn right. Better give me a great performance review,” you two fell into a comfortable silence as the sun finally disappeared, only basking the area in a gracious moonlight that seemed to illuminate the entire area, reflecting perfectly off the calm lake water. 

Josh was nervous. He kept playing with his lips. Teeth nipping at them, tongue darting out over them, sucking them into his mouth. The last thing he wanted to do was to ruin a perfectly fantastic day by frightening you off, but he had a feeling he wouldn’t do that. “Alright, what’s up?” You turned your head to look straight at him, catching him off guard as you did. Smile never faltering, trying to get him to relax.

Why was he freaking out? You watched as his eyes wandered your features, knowing exactly where he was going. That’s why he was freaking out.

You weren’t. 

This is your only chance to do something like this. Who better to do it with than Josh? Don’t be a coward. Just do it.

Standing from your spot, Josh’s fuzzy brows drew together as he monitored your movements. Stepping out of the sandals you had worn, undoing the zipper on the side of your dress, you watched as Josh’s eyes grew as wide as saucers, truly rivaling the moon. He started to stutter, sticking his hand out to stop you from stepping out of the fabric.

“Oh my god, no no. I was totally joking,” you beamed down at his nearly frightened features, skin burning at the contact of his fingers wrapped around your wrist. “I wasn’t. I’ve always wanted to skinny dip. Either you can join me or you can watch or you can turn around and face the trees to not see me,” with his hand still around your wrist, you finished removing the dress from your figure. 

It fell in a pool around your feet, eye contact never breaking with him. Watching his adam's apple bob in his throat, breath stuttering, hands having a slight tremble. He was terrified to look down, to see you in a light he hadn’t before.

Standing only in your panties and bra, your breathing was more even than you anticipated. It felt right. Like this was meant to be happening. Here. With him. 

It feels right.

Walking away from him, your hands went behind your back, unclasping your bra, the straps fell down your arms. Tossing it to the side, you stopped on the edge of the water. Taking a deep breath, you lifted one leg, stepping out of the panties and removing them from your boiling skin.

It took every ounce of courage you had to turn your head over your shoulder and look to the stunned boy still sitting in the grass. The moonlight was basking you in an aura he had only dreamed of. Turning to stone as he sat mesmerized by your utter beauty, unsure of what he should have been doing at that exact moment.

The question answered for him as your singsong voice rang out into the still air. “Are you coming or what, Josh?” Realizing at that second that he wasn’t dreaming, that you were real and standing before him in the way you were was almost too much to handle. 

Moving to autopilot he hastily stood, undoing the buttons of his jumpsuit, leaving the article of clothing right next to yours. Watching in awe as you moved into the water, laughter and giggles flitting out into the night. 

As he became fully nude, you had turned in the water, letting it approach your chin, monitoring every movement that he made. Despite every time you had thought about this moment, the nerves you thought would be coursing through you, it wasn’t like that at all. 

Basking in comfort, enthralled that you were doing this with him, contentment with how the day had gone. What a beautiful way to end the day.

Swimming out to meet you in the lake, his teeth chattered, the cool water embracing you both despite the sweltering temperatures that the day had held. Your hair was drenched, the water droplets dripping down your face as you beamed at him.

“Thank you for doing this with me. Total bucket list thing right now,” he laughed, moving slightly closer to you as he did. “I’m glad I could be here to influence you in this way. Time for you to act out a little. How does it feel?” His excited eyes greeted yours, truly interested in your response.

Something changed in that instant. The giggles had died down, instead a heat had replaced it. Your smile didn’t falter, but you felt a more serious nature take over. Nodding your head in response, you crept closer to him, your voice whispering out into the air between you both.

“Really good.” Josh felt it too. An intensity he hadn’t been expecting. One that he felt you were acting on, wanting to embrace this. With him. 

Deciding to not let logic and rules define you in that moment, you closed the gap between you two. It was incredibly soft, gentle, exploratory. His tender lips cradled yours, hardly applying any force. Afraid that if he pushed too hard it would scare you off.

Letting your arms circle around his neck, your bodies connected, igniting every nerve ending you had. Josh’s hands splayed across the bare expanse of your back, leaving the water with a splash as he held you for the first time.

Deepening the kiss, your mouth opened for him, letting your tongues brush against each other. Unable to hold in the small whimper at the blissful feeling, Josh took that as a positive sign. 

You were needing this, craving this, just as much as he had been. When he felt your fingers tangle in his damp locks and lightly scratch his scalp, tugging right after, he pulled you closer to him. There was little space left, but he wanted none. 

Noses hitting, breathing growing heavier, Josh’s hands moved from your back to under your legs. The underside of your thighs were gripped by his fingertips, motioning for you to wrap your legs around his waist. 

Immediately, you did. The tip of his cock brushed against your bare core, eliciting a strong gasp from you. Just the small contact had you desperate for more, butterflies filling your lower stomach, heat coursing through you. 

Your skin was positively on fire, never wanting this contact with him to end. As Josh went to exit the lake, you still wrapped securely around him, you quickly detached. 

Moving to where your clothes were haphazardly thrown onto the grass, you grabbed both items and laid them out for you to lay on, some barrier between you and the ground. When you were on your back, staring up at the boy whose gaze was one you had never experienced before, it was unlike anything you had ever seen before.

The moonlight held him in such a gorgeous glow, illuminating his wet and glistening skin. His hair was dropping into his eyes, but his veiny hand pushed the locks out of his line of sight, not wanting anything obstructing his view of you. Dazzling smile greeting you, lips darker than normal due to the chill he felt and the nature of which they had just been involved in. The droplets falling off of his skin onto you below him cause a sense of jealousy to erupt in him. How unfair that they were able to touch you and be one with you when he couldn’t. He didn’t want to waste any time with you, dipping his head down and connecting your lips once again.

Your budded nipples were achingly hard under his hands. They tweaked and teased you, back arching into his grasp, positively desperate for more from him. With each movement he did, you could feel him brushing against you.

It was driving you mad. Your hips were bucking to connect with his. Stilling as his lips suckled around one of your breasts, a shaky moan attempting to escape your throat. He matched his motions on the other, never neglecting the opposite as he did.

His lips landed in the valley between your breasts, placing deep, chaste kisses down your sternum, stomach, hips, and thighs. Hands held firm to your waist, not wanting you to slip away from him. Terrified that this was a far too realistic dream. Where he would wake up like a horny teenage boy after a wet dream.

Yet as his eyes connected with yours, breath fanning across your core, he knew it was reality. Flattening his tongue on your core, your head fell back. Back arching off the ground as he began eating you like a starved man.

Like this was all he needed to survive. What he had been fantasizing about. Trying to imagine the taste of you, nothing could even compare to what was landing on his tastebud’s. Eyes rolling into the back of his head, the sounds coming from you stirred him on. 

Wanting nothing more than to taste your release on him, he lapped at you, sucking your bundle of nerves into his mouth and holding it there, sending you over the edge into a mumbling mess.

When he came back up face to face with you, the tears that escaped from the corners of your eyes worried him at first, but quickly diminished as your hands landed behind his ears, dragging you to him. Teeth nearly clacking together, his breathing grew more uneven.

Your hand went between your bodies, leading his throbbing cock to your soaked entrance. Connecting your eyes once more, he wanted to be sure. Not wanting to taint anything between you both. 

“Are you sure?” Not a moment of hesitation, you responded with a breathless yes, sealing it with a small peck. Josh couldn’t wait a second longer, letting his tip enter you. Taking it inch by inch, you welcomed him with no fight. 

Josh’s pace was slow and deep, wanting to savor this. As your legs hiked around his waist, your lips never parted with each other. Pants and moans mixing together, breathing the other in, head dizzy with arousal.

You had never felt so welcomed and embraced with someone as you had with him. This was everything you had been thinking about since you had first seen him. Knowing him, growing closer with him, anything with him. 

He made you feel wanted and despite all your attempts of keeping him out, keeping him complacent, it was all for not. Josh was a force that you couldn’t fight, didn’t want to fight. Wanting to fall into him, let him know you inside and out, it was pointless to go against it.

But you had to. Just not at that moment. No, in this moment you could accept it, envelop in it, rejoice in it. Letting him treat you like the almighty being he wanted to. Walls crashing down for just a bit. Right now, it was all about you two mingling together. 

White hot heat flashed behind your eyes, body contracting as your orgasm flooded your senses. Tense muscles crushing Josh to you as he emptied out in you momentarily after you. His body shook with pleasure, whimpers falling against your lips as you attempted to catch your breath. To come back down from the intensity of the evening.

Savoring in the closeness for now. For now. 

The train ride back into the city was incredibly peaceful. You sat next to Josh the entire ride home, head resting on his shoulder, drifting in and out of sleep after he whispered to you that it was too late to be up and to rest. 

So, you did. At one point, his own head rested on your own, his warm cheek pressed against the crown of your head, his breath spanning across the top of your hair. When you woke up and saw both of your fingers entangled together, you almost didn’t want to reclaim your own hand. It felt right. 

It shouldn’t have.

That’s why the moment you stepped off the train, it was a sense of dread sitting heavy on you. It was like everything and anything that could have changed, did. Stepping towards your hotel room door, Josh’s hand gripped your waist, spinning you back towards him and colliding his lips with yours.

You didn’t fight, argue, try to stop it. Sinking into it, him. Letting your lips mesh together in a way that was a sense of comfort and security. Him letting you know that this was where you were meant to be. Something you had never felt before. You didn’t want to feel it. You couldn’t. 

That’s why when you two separated, him going into his room and you yours, you laid flat on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Tears slowly trickled from the corners of your eyes, hand clamping down over your mouth to silence any noise that could have been coming from you. 

You had known it from the minute you had seen him. It was going to end poorly. If you were anything other than extremely professional, setting firm boundaries, not allowing him any way in, it was going to end up a complete shit storm.

It was on the horizon. The gorgeous skies that seemed as though they were hand painted by the most talented artist you had ever seen before the black clouds would roll in, wreaking havoc on anything in its way. You were slowly watching it morph and change the aura around you. 

He had captivated you, drawn you in so quickly. The most interesting being you had ever encountered. Wickedly talented beyond measure. A careful and caring being, wanting to cause no harm, only leaving a trail of happiness and good behind him. He did. 

Staying away from him and the true being he was, was torture. He wanted to know you, see you, embrace you. Love you. You could feel it, see it in his eyes. The way he admired you, gazed at you, he just didn’t want to frighten you off. 

This had to be the only encounter that you experienced with him. Anything more would mangle and wreck you both. This was already going too far too fast. 

Hearing and feeling the vibrations of your phone, you tried to ignore it given the incredibly late hour, but decided that if it was work related you needed to answer. Grabbing the device and seeing your moms photo filling up the screen you groaned, knowing you were in no condition to speak with her, but remembering that it was a rare chance when you could actually talk to her. 

“Hi mom!” You tried to sound as cheery as you could, knowing your mom bought it when her chipper voice echoed out into the room. “My birdie girl! How is my little globetrotter? Are you working hard? Have you been eating? What time is it there? Are you supposed to be sleeping right now?” She left little room between her sentences to give an actual response, but as you answered her plethora of questions, you felt your chest growing tighter, knowing that morning was growing closer and closer. 

You made a decision that night. Carry on like normal. Act like nothing had happened and continue on with life, living like one of the best nights of your life had actually never occurred. A figment of your imagination. No matter how bad it hurts. 

He was waiting for you the next morning, bright and early knowing you were going to go for a little walk. It scared the ever loving shit out of you, jumping nearly ten feet in the air. “Jesus! You have got to stop doing that,” you chuckled, hand landing over your heart.

“Apologies. I was just thrilled to see you this fine morning,” and he truly looked as though he was. His eyes were slightly hooded as he peered at you. Cheeks a light pink. Hair somewhat smoothed down, but still a disheveled mess. Same outfit adorned as always. 

Your pulse was a million miles a minute as the smell of his cologne flooded your senses. Needing to nip this in the bud and quickly, you spoke up. “That’s very nice of you, Mr. Kiszka. I should be back around eleven this morning. If you need anything in the meantime please feel free to text me.” Offering as pleasant of a smile as you could, you watched as he rolled his eyes.

“I thought we were past that.” Your brows quirked, trying to play the part of not understanding why the nature of your relationship would have changed. “Mr. Kiszka, with all due respect, you are still my boss. What happened last night was out of line for both of us and I think that we should act as though it didn’t happen. Please.” 

Your eyes held his stare, seeing the expression of bewilderment take over his features. “Are you joking?” Shaking your head, he moved away from you, staring as though you had scorned him. Perhaps you had. “I thought-I thought that we had made some serious progress yesterday. That we were moving in a better direction for us,” his hand moved between you two. 

You fought the nerves vibrating in you as you stood strong. “I apologize if that’s the message I displayed to you yesterday, but no. I would prefer if we could remain the same. Strictly professional.” His jaw hung slack, eyes growing wider at your words.

His hands rubbed at his eyes, a harsh laugh escaping his lips. “This has got to be some sort of fucking joke. Birdie, I cannot just forget what happened yesterday!” You winced at his tone, hearing the intensity setting in it. “I know it meant a lot for you, too. Don’t pretend like it didn’t.” 

He was reading you and he was doing it well. Sighing, despite every instinct in you screaming to just fall into it, let it happen between you two, you continued to hold strong. “No. I apologize for letting things get too far.” 

Staring at you in utter disbelief, every emotion displayed across his face. “So that’s it? Not even friends?” Hesitating, only briefly, you shook your head. He wasted no time, pushing past you and going back into his hotel room.  

The rest of the day was spent miserable alone. Wandering the streets until eleven, just as you had stated, was unenjoyable. Your mind was rushing, wondering if any chance of a normal relationship with him had gone out the window. 

Regret. 

Standing in the lobby the next morning, you were exhausted. Hardly having slept the night before didn’t matter when you needed to work. Waiting for the group to emerge with their own luggage in tow, ready to head to the next location. It was best to use one of the free days for a travel day. It got you there sooner and gave you an extra day to explore a new place. 

They were easy to spot and hear, their own assistants and other tour employees following in tow. You offered a tight lip smile, clutching your planner to your chest, breath stuttering in your throat. You had to do this. 

It was the only thing that would make this work. Stick to the plan. Don’t give up. It’ll go back to how it was. 

“Good morning, Mr. Kiszka. I have already emailed you the travel itinerary for the day, there is a coffee waiting for you in the van, and I did find you an extra phone charger since your last one was left behind.” A light joking tone came with your words, but as you spoke, Josh’s smile diminished the second he laid eyes on you.

This wasn’t what he was expecting. At all. Despite you having agreed that calling him by his first name was just for the lone day, he thought that after what had happened, you would continue to do it. That the cold and steely demeanor you had been using with him since the start was cracked and gone. He felt stupid. Used. 

Wrecked that what progress he had thought he had made with you would bring some sense of change. That you would feel more comfortable with him. Possibly even returning the feelings he had been fostering and harboring for you. Ridiculous. 

Only murmuring a thank you under his breath, he walked away from you quickly and towards the van. You sighed, eyes briefly closing as your thoughts swirled in your head. 

This was for the best. He’d get over it.

Turns out that Josh holds a grudge a lot better than you assumed he would. For such a cheery and pleasant person, you truly didn’t expect him to continue to practically give you the silent treatment for weeks. He refused to hold eye contact with you, only spoke to you for pressing work matters, the whole shebang. 

Thinking that this would make it easier, better even. Him only giving what you did on a daily basis. It was the total opposite. It was miserable. You dreaded getting up in the morning and having to deal with work matters. 

The following few weeks, you were at the lowest you had ever felt. Never having had a close relationship with a boss before, let alone what you two had done and said to one another, proved that your way of handling and dealing with things was the only way to make things work. Don’t get close. You’ll only get burned in the process.

Everyone else had noticed the shift between you two as well. Jake had tried bringing it up with his twin, but immediately was shut down. He relayed the message to the others not to bring it up, whatever had happened obviously still too raw to handle. No one enjoyed being around a grumpy Josh anyways. 

He would transform into a truly awful person to be around on a daily basis. His normal patient, wondrous, and joyous persona would disappear and morph into one of the complete opposite. Locking himself away in the various hotel rooms, bus bunk bed, not wanting to see or speak to anyone. No performance he gave good enough or to the impossible standards he was holding himself too. 

It wasn’t good.

That’s why when you were sitting at a desk in a hotel lobby, battling an airline over a ticket mixup, the spitting image of your boss in another life sat across from you, you knew what it was about. Hanging up the phone call with a sigh, you tried to force a smile on your depleted and tired features. 

“Mr. Kiszka, what can I do for you?” He removed his sunglasses, sitting them on the tabletop next to his resting arm and peered at you. “For starters, you can fix my brother.” Going to speak, he held up his hand, shaking his head. “Look, I don’t need all the details. All I know is that something happened between you two. It needs to be repaired because the way you two are trying to carry on is not cohesive for either of you. Just try and fix it.” 

Eyes falling downcast, you felt the weight of the situation sinking further onto you. “What if I say I don’t know if it can be,” Jake shrugged that off like it was silly to even suggest or think. “He likes you. In more than one way, which I’m sure is the root of this, but it’ll be fine. Talk to him. Josh, he-” taking a moment, rolling his eyes as well, he continued on, “likes to talk. Talk to him and get it worked out.” 

Standing outside of his hotel room, trying to muster up the courage to just knock, you were quite literally spinning in circles. Turning on your heel over and over, attempting to psych yourself up to just do it. 

Knock on the door.

The decision was made for you as it flew open as you lifted your hand to connect with the wood. A confused Josh stood on the other side, dressed like he was going to be going out. Instantly being able to tell you needed him for something. For what? That he didn’t know. 

“I thought we finished work at three today?” He asked, checking his phone for the time. It was far past that time. Shaking your head, you decided against what you were going to do. “Oh no, I apologize. It was for something else, but I see that you’re busy and heading out. We can do it later,” turning around to go across the hall to your own room, he still stood in the door frame.

He could easily tell how nervous you were. You didn’t hide your nerves well. Gnawing on your cheek, eyes constantly darting around, hands unable to remain still. It screamed at whoever you were projecting it to. In this case, Josh.

“No, no. I was just going to grab a drink.” Gulping, you began talking quickly. “Oh okay. I just wanted a quick second in private if you don’t mind. I don’t want to be a bother during your free time though so if you’d rather wait that’s totally fine, I understand.” His eyes slightly widened at your hastened words, holding his door open farther, a welcome to you to enter. 

You stepped in, seeing that the room was nearly spotless. Given, you had just checked in this afternoon, but still. You didn’t want to touch anything. Encroach on his personal space. Instead, you stood to the side, hands folded with themselves, trying not to look directly at him.

Observing you from his own spot, he was uneasy. Josh doesn’t do confrontations. Despite how much he enjoys talking and listening to others talk, he despises it when it’s negative. This wasn’t going to go well. He could just tell. 

“I would like to hand in my resignation, Mr. Kiszka.” 

He thought he was going to fall over. Out of every possibility, every scenario that could have happened. This is not what he was expecting. At all. Entirely floored, staring straight at you with his jaw slack, he started shaking his head. 

“No. Absolutely not. You can’t.” You had never felt such dread when quitting a position before. Normally, they were exciting. On your way to the next best thing. This was different. It was the best job you’d ever had with the best boss you’d ever had. 

It was killing you. 

“I think this is for the best. I can be around for as long as necessary until you can find a replacement and I will train them if needed.” Josh sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, rubbing at his face. “We never should’ve slept together. Everything was going great. God, I regret that.” 

He wasn’t expecting your laugh to echo in the room. Snapping his head up at you, he was greeted with your smile and accompanying laugh. “I don’t. It was amazing. The entire reason I’m handing in my resignation is because I cannot continue to do my job and be in love with my boss.”

Watching as his face went blank as you continued talking, you had no idea what he was actually thinking. Since he was a person who wears their emotions on their face, when he went emotionless like this, it was even more nerve wracking. 

Uncharted territory. 

“I have fought it since we met. Seriously, the moment I saw you I knew this was going to be trouble. The more I got to know you, the more I fell for you. Keeping my professionalism and decorum has been so damn difficult because of you. And-and then we had that day together and it was incredible. I love you, Josh and I cannot keep working for you while I feel like this. It just can’t work because-” you didn’t get to finish before Josh was propelled up from his spot, hands cupping your cheeks as he pulled you to him.

Lips connecting in a messy and needy encounter, pawing at one another to get as close as possible. This wasn’t like the last time. This was desperate, angry, and resentful. Apologetic. 

Hardly finishing undressing before he was in you, hopelessly pounding you into the mattress below him. Unrelenting, a pace that knocked the wind out of you with every thrust. Unable to think about anything else other than Josh, Josh, Josh. 

He became your entire being at that time. Only allowing your thoughts to be riddled with him. No other noise allowed except his name falling from you like a prayer. 

How could you think of anything else when the man that was Josh was around. How stupid.

When you both had finished, his hands released their punishing grip on you. His fingertips left indents in your skin, sweat beginning to pool on his brow. Instead, his lips landed on each mark he had left on you. A searing memory of him. 

One you wouldn’t forget for a long, long time. 

Not wanting to break the peace that sat over the room. Too much left unsaid, but not willing to jump in right away. Wanting to bask in the comfort that followed him like a security blanket. 

Instead, you stared at Josh from the spot next to him in bed, you smiled at him. “I really do have to quit, Josh.” You finally spoke, wanting to establish some sort of boundary before moving forward together. 

He shrugged you off like you were batshit crazy for even suggesting that. A hint of mischief entered his eye before shrugging. 

“Not even on the table. Forbidden love. It’s totally hot. Let’s see how much we can get away with before people notice,” your laughter shook your body as Josh leaned down over you, connecting your lips together as laughter flowed between you both.

Being bad sounded like fun. As long as Josh was by your side to do it, it would always be fine. 

[mvniro]

 . . . (🍷) ֶָ֢ 𔓘 TONIGHT BE MINE AGAIN ; a nakahara chuuya drabble. ❞

˗ˏˋ ꒰ 🍷 ꒱ . . . here ya go nonnie angel. part one of your request tho i hope you don't mind me changing your request up a bit.

˗ˏˋ ꒰ 🍷 ꒱ . . . tw ; fem!reader, ballerina!reader, angst, fluff (debatable) , exes to lovers.

chuuya preferred watching hiphop more. he listened to classical from time to time but it wasn't his first preference and the same goes for ballet. as a executive he was in many instances where he had to watch ballet with the port mafia clients of targets or even at parties etc.

he appreciated the dancers but never felt himself hooked to a performance from start to finish, until now. it may be biased of him but chuuya couldn't look away from you as you twirled on the stage with a illusion of being as light as a feather, like rain falling on the earth grounds.

he watched with awe in his eyes and accelerated heartbeats how you danced, how you twirled and did splits. if he dies now, he would die with less regrets then normal for he feels as if being blessed by an angel herself.

as soon as your performance ended, chuuya stood up and rushed towards your dressing room. no security guard being able to stop him from seeing you though they tried but were stopped by his men.

your performance tugged at his heartstrings and filled him with a fear of someone else coming in and sweeping you away in their arms, he couldn't allow that to happen.

the mafioso stopped infront of your dressing room (he had bribed someone from the staff to give him this information) and took a deep breath. he can't do this. fear and anxiety suddenly claws at his heart and makes him stand still for atleast ten minutes. as the minutes passed, the fiery passion in his eyes got dimmed by precipitation of sadness, leaving a hauntingly sad look in its place.

he stood quietly. you two broke up due to his inability to balance work and life but how was he able to balance when the ratio of the two was so uneven from the beginning?

chuuya was pulled out of his trance as you opened the door to step out, freezing as you see him standing there. your eyes slowly look over his features before slowly traveling downwards towards the bouquet of flowers he was harshly holding.

any anger in you evaporated the moment your eyes fell on chuuya nakahara. it's as if he is the rain washing away your fire of wrath. you slowly lean against the doorway, "it's been a long time."

"indeed." chuuya breathed out as he shakily raised his hands to give you the bouquet he brought for you and watched nervously as you looked surprised, slowly smiling slightly as you plucked a flower out of it to tuck it behind your ear before looking at him. the breakup, you wish you could undo it.

"i thought you were busy." you quietly tell as this is the reason for the separating factor between you two and so, it felt bitter to speak about it. chuuya felt his heart sink yet he pushed back the sorrow to lean forwards.

"i told you i would be damned if i don't attend the ballet you were literally working your ass off for." chuuya whispered, caressing the edge of the flower petals with his nail as he looked intensely at you. "whether you are mine or not." he continued.

you looked at him with conflict in your eyes, he remembered the promise and fulfilled it yet wouldn't things have been better had you two were still together?

chuuya's gloved hand grabs your cheek softly and he whispered, "free? let me take you out for the dinner i promised."

chuuya almost leaned in on instinct to kiss you like he would do whenever he showed infront of your apartment after a mission. a bouquet of flowers in one hand while he used to hold your cheek with the other as he kissed you while standing outside of your apartment, not even having the patience to enter your apartment first. but things aren't the same now and so cuuuya stopped from leaning down.

you sadly nodded. and you didn't even want to think of how different the events would've been if you hadn't agreed, hadn't gone to dinner with him, gotten tipsy and hadn't spilled out your feelings and made it up with him.

the rain never washed away the fiery passion in his eyes, it only dimmed it to allow chuuya to rest or he would've burned in his own fire. and had the breakup not occurred, chuuya wouldn't have felt this satisfied in having you in his arms again after a long time. never again though, chuuya thought as he stared at your sleeping form in his arms, he will be damned if he ever allowed you to go away again.

━━━━━━━  🎀 .

[septembercfawkes]

Circling vs. Zigzagging Conflicts

Nearly every writer understands that a story needs conflict. The protagonist sets off to fulfill a goal, runs into an antagonistic force, and their struggle creates conflict. This should happen in the story as a whole, this should happen in acts, and it should happen in almost every scene--the difference is that the smaller the structural unit, the smaller the antagonist and conflict (simplistically speaking).

Today I want to talk about a sneaky problem I sometimes see when editing manuscripts, one that relates to conflicts.

Sometimes the writer simply “circles” the conflict.

What I mean is that after a given conflict, nothing has actually changed in the story. We just completed a “circle.”

For example, say the protagonist is a favorite target of the schoolyard bully. They get into a verbal fight, but when it's over, nothing's different. The conflict didn't have any consequences.

It may not sound that bad.

And if it only happens once in a while, and there are enough other conflicts going on, it may not be.

But if this happens repeatedly or this is the main conflict, the plot isn't progressing. It just did a circle and the characters ended up in the same situation they were before the encounter. Essentially, no matter how exciting the scene may seem to be, you could still cut it and the story would be the same.

Let's look at an even less obvious example.

The protagonist needs to get Object X from Character B.

The protagonist finds a way to successfully steal it.

But then immediately afterward, Character B steals it back.

The scene ends, and the protagonist is back at square one.

It doesn't sound that bad, does it?

And if it only happens once in a while, and there are enough other conflicts going on, it may not be.

But if this sort of thing happens repeatedly--over and over and over--the plot isn't progressing. You're just going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And if we just arc that path a bit, guess what? It creates a circle.

Another example:

The protagonist has a problem.

But she's not taking action to solve the problem. 

Yes, she reacts emotionally to the problem.

She may even sometimes come up with a plan for how to try to solve the problem.

But she doesn't execute it. Or, some other problem comes up that keeps her from executing it.

And rather than come up with and execute a new plan to address that problem.

She just reacts emotionally to the problem.

Imagine this going on for multiple scenes.

The plot isn't progressing. She's just ruminating.

It still feels like the text is just circling the conflict.

Please know I'm not saying a story can never do these things. On rare occasions, circling conflicts can be useful, like when the point is to show the audience how some things don't change. My first example may arguably work near the beginning of the story, to show what the protagonist's day-to-day life is like. My second example can sometimes work as a frustrating irony. And my last example, well . . . don't do my last example. Okay, okay, maybe it could work to show off how the protagonist is incapable of or has the flaw of never moving forward (and chances are it'd probably be better to illustrate that through summary, rather than scene).

And some degree of circling can work, when the story needs to end with the characters and world in the same place they started, like in a serial, but note that usually through the installment, there isn't much circling.

And often, even if the external circumstances complete a circle, the journey changed the character internally in some significant way.

BUT if you are repeatedly writing examples like those above, where the situation at the end of a scene or act is essentially the same as it was at the beginning of the scene or act, then you aren't moving the story forward.

Sure, conflict may show up on the page, but the text is just circling it.

Instead, it's much more effective to create a zigzag. 

If we wanted to keep this super simple, we might say the scene (or act) needs to move from a positive situation to a negative situation, or a negative situation to a positive situation. Or, a positive situation to a better situation, or a negative situation to a worse situation. Essentially:

+ --> -

- --> +

+ --> ++

- --> --

This is a good starting point, but I admit, it sometimes feels oversimplified to me.

In any case, the situation the character is in, has changed.

The story didn't do a circle. It did a zigzag (or zigzigger or zagzagger). 

The protagonist had a goal, encountered an antagonist, had a conflict, and the conflict came to a definitive outcome (if only on the small scale for that scene). It hit a climax or turning point.

And that outcome carries consequences.

The protagonist gets in an argument with the bully and gets suspended for his language. If he's suspended, his parents will ground him, and he won't get to go on an upcoming date with his crush. It's a setback.

Character B steals Object X back and in the process, mortally wounds the protagonist. Now the protagonist needs to get help before they die.

The protagonist takes action to solve the new problem, and not only succeeds, but manages to solve her original problem at the same time.

But often just adding consequences isn't enough. We need to make sure the consequences aren't or can't be undone, at least not easily or coincidentally. We don't have the protagonist's dad have a serendipitous change of heart and simply allow the protagonist to go on the date.

Don't undo what you just did (generally speaking). 

If the protagonist ended with a bigger or new problem, make him put in the effort to try to solve it. (See the "No, and . . ." vs. "Yes, but . . . " rule under "Disaster.")

And don't forget my "acid test" for plot progression. At the end of the scene (or act), ask, did the protagonist's current goal and/or plan shift? If the answer is no, chances are you did a circle. (Or you at least left things stagnating). If the answer is yes, something changed.

As I mentioned above, sometimes the change is internal. 

Maybe Character B did simply steal Object X back, but maybe that leads to the protagonist realizing he doesn't want Object X as much as he wants revenge on Character B. He hatches a plan to exact that.

While that may not be as strong as the protagonist getting mortally wounded, it's better than nothing changing, and the experience does change the direction of the story.

Personally, I'd still be cautious of writing such a situation, though. In most types of stories, we want consequences to be both internal and external.

But that topic could be another post.

So in closing: zigzagging conflicts is better than circling them.

Adieu.

[lovebeatriceplz]

My love mine all mine

Yuji Itadori x Reader

My baby, here on earth

Showed me what my heart was worth

So, when it comes to be my turn

Could you shine it down here for her?

Nothing was the same, he tried...so hard. He tried to forget about it, to fix it, but his life will never go back to normal. Sukuna, he could feel him, he was always there. Maybe..just maybe, if he was gone everyone would be better off, you would be better off.

A gentle stroke of his hair brings him back to reality. "i called your name three times" you say quietly. The pale moonlight peers through the drapes. He came over to spend the night to get away from himself, but his thoughts consumed him none the less.

"sorry.." he mutters, not even sure if you heard. You rest your head on the pillow and try to fall asleep. His arms wrap around your figure, burying his face into your stomach, maybe that way the voices will leave him alone.

You look down at him. His grip felt tight, tighter than usual, it actually hurt a little. Your fingers run through his soft, pink locs, causing him to shudder. "what's on your mind?" You ask as gently as possible, not wanting the worry accumulating inside of you to scare him.

Silence fills the room. You try to pull away, trying to pry him off you so you can see his face. His grip tightens, not budging.

A sigh escapes you, and you press kisses to the top of his head, and any part of his face you can reach. "I love you...i'll always love you, no matter what" whispers of pure love and devotion pass your lips and enter his mind. His body starts to shake a little and you feel a few teardrops hit your abdomen.

You try to pull away again but his grasp on you was stronger than ever. So tight, that bruises might actually appear on your sides the next day. "yu- you're squishing me" you croak out. He immediately lets go and you take the opportunity to hold his face before he can hide again.

Tending hands reach out to wipe away his tears. "i'm scared.." he whispers in a hoarse voice.

" scared of what love?" You were always so desperate to understand him, to understand what was going on in that head of his. "everything?" he replies with a shrug, pulling away from you. You didn't need to share his burden.

He just stares into nothing for the next few moments. Desperately trying to swallow the lump in his throat. He couldn't even look at you without choking up again, you were so perfect, you didn't deserve this.

A surge of purpose, or at least that's what you thought it was, takes control of him and he turns to you with an intense look in his eyes. His hands grasp yours and he rests his forehead on yours. "I love you, more than anything....and i just- i want you to know...well i hope-" he stops, getting his thoughts together.

A puzzled look flashes across your features. "yes? what is it?". He takes a deep breath. "when i die, i'm gonna watch over you, my ancestors too, no matter what happens to me you'll be fine" he whispers, resting his head on your shoulder.

You feel your heart sink. He impulsively said things like that all the time, but he looked so serious. This one, something's definitely off about it.

You pull away from his embrace "d-don't say things like that" voice wavering slightly. "We'll both be fine" you say firmly. He gives you a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "I mean- we can say that now but, my death is inevitable"

Tears sting the corners of your eyes and your chest begins to ache. "how could you say something like that yuji?" Your tone becomes a bit harsher.

A slight frown appears on his face, although his demeanor is very gentle. " you know this c'mon, my life is in danger everyday, they're people who still want to execute me, my teacher is sealed-"

" What? are you trying to ease the blow of me losing you? don't you think i know all of that already?" You cut him off. This took a swerve in the wrong direction, this wasn't supposed to happen.

"Yes! i'm aware that you know all of that, that's why i need you to understand" he's basically begging for you to just listen. "Are forgetting that he's inside of me, don't you remember what happened in Shibuya?". Oops

There it was, the thing that has been plaguing his mind all this time. He shuts up immediately, and his breathing becomes audible.

Nothing came out of your mouth because he was right. Sukuna has proven how everything can go to shit if he takes over, you could lose Yuji without him actually dying.

You want to console him but you start to cry instead. The sight of tears running down that pretty face was enough to make him feel sick.

"Hey...hey i'm sorry" he whispers. You bury yourself into his embrace, and he holds you tightly, resting his head on your chin. He wasn't even going to cry, he accepted his fate a long time ago.

Fingers dig into his hoodie as you look up at him. "I don't want to lose you" you say between sobs. He wipes away your tears and leans down to kiss you.

It's the type of kiss that made you feel warm all over, the type that made something stir deep inside of you. The type that made you feel like everything would be okay. He stays there until you calm down a little.

He pulls away, a little breathless. "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me" that sounds cliche but he meant it, he meant every word. He didn't want to see you cry, he was hurting you and he hasn't even died yet.

" I know you want to avoid it but we can't, it's inevitable, my life is..basically temporary...i'm temp-" a finger to his lips stops him from finishing that sentence. You lay back down, bringing him with you and your lips find his.

He doesn't protest and he melts into your touch. It's okay if you didn't want to talk, as long as you understood. Besides, it stopped him from going back to that dark place and drowning in his thoughts.

You haven't accepted it, you're not sure if you ever will but for his sake, you can pretend. You can also give him all your love now, you can show him why life is worth living while he still has it. You can show him that he's yours, and you're his.

Whether you accept what he thinks his future is or not, he believes that he will indeed, watch over you when he's gone.

[damagedintellect]

ADA Dazai x Reader

💌Obligatory sex pollen fic I guess?? chapter 2💌

Summary: Certain abilities Dazai can dispel outright without touching the user. This has always confused the brunette greatly where the technical line was drawn. During Q's apocalypse, he couldn't bring individuals back to their senses but with Shiwabusa's fog he could prevent Chuuya’s ability from manifesting. Apparently this “Sex pollen” ability was more like the former example. Which left Dazai the only one conscious of their actions as everyone fucked like rabbits.

Notes: Based on a dream I had a few nights ago....This chapter is shorter because I started waking up once I realized it was THAT DREAM, I'm literally crying it got a second chapter some one help😭

Contains: sex pollen, dubcon, pregnancy, mpreg, pregnant Fyodor, Fyodor being painfully religious, 🍋 in chapter 1

💌 Wordcount 1,971 💌 Chapter 2 of ?? [If I have another dream I am obligated to update this] <= Previous chapter

Just like that for a few weeks everything was back to some semblance of normalcy. Out of sight out of mind you guess. Once you stopped feeling sick all the time you could hardly tell you were pregnant at all. You were still confined to the office since it would take anywhere from 3 to 6 months to fully heal from your injuries but that was fine with you. Honestly you don’t understand how Dazai does it. You've been pampered by Yosano's ability. It didn't even occur to you that you'd still have to have some sort of physical therapy afterwards either. Meanwhile Dazai gets shot and stabbed all the goddamn time and he takes it like a champ. Just one more reason to like him you guess.

Dazai looked up to catch you staring. You didn’t look away but your face did start to feel warm. You hadn’t really sat down and talked about it in depth yet. That night or about the child and honestly no one in the office has really tried to bring it up either. Although you still don't know what to say, sooner or later someone has to say something and hopefully it won't have to be you. Unfortunately you have a feeling it's going to be you.

Dazai glanced at the door and frowned. He's been trying to avoid any meaningful confrontation but judging from the sounds outside he swallowed. He knew those footsteps better than anyone and it was only a matter of time before “he” showed up. This might as well be happening today. Without warning Chuuya emerged from the doorway looking annoyed. 

“Okay, which one of you is the weretiger!”

Atsushi hesitantly raised his hand. You raised an eyebrow at the exchange. What was the mafia executive doing looking for Atsushi? Dazai sighed and rose to his feet, putting an arm around Atsushi as Chuuya approached the two. 

“Why Chuuya, what brings you out to our domain! I almost didn't see you there, have you gotten shorter?” He smiles cheerfully. You swear you could see flowers and sparkles surrounding him.

Chuuya crossed his arms “Go to hell and wait your turn. I have a bone to pick with you after I square away business with the tiger boy.” He glared at Atsushi, sizing him up. “And you, my boy Akutagawa hasn't been the same since your guy's little rescue operation. Mind telling me why that is?” It was surprisingly less threatening and more of a genuine question.

Atsushi’s face flushed a few shades darker “Why don't you ask him! He's the one who-” He stopped mid sentence, groaning. He figured Akutagawa wouldn't talk about it to anyone either but being asked directly because Akutagawa was out of sorts was insulting. How did he think Atsushi felt? “You know what, the bottom line is I'm pregnant and it's his fault he used his stupid ability like that. If anything I should be the one who's traumatized!” 

Chuuya hummed, putting his hand under his chin as he thought about an earlier encounter. “Oh so that's why he was muttering about being bound to the weretiger. He was saying something about not even holding hands yet and having to marry you. Guess that makes me the godfather for two babies then.” the redhead shrugged like this conversation was an everyday occurrence.

Atsushi slouched, was this karma for trying to suggest that Fyodor and Nikolai should get married? 

“Don’t tell me Akutagawa is religious too.”

Chuuya furrowed his eyebrows. “What? No listen kid, this is about stepping up to responsibilities. Raising a kid's a big deal.” He looked over at Dazai with a smirk about to add one more thing but Dazai interjected, flicking the brim of Chuuya's hat.

He continued to wave his hand in the other's face. “Who said you were the godfather? I don't remember calling you.” Both of their expressions went flat for a moment as they glared at each other passively.

“You should have, it would have been better to hear the news from you than from Mori.” He huffed “Why didn't you? It's not like you to go back on your word. What happened too, I wouldn't lie about something like this.” He mocked in a Dazai like fashion.

“I thought you were too drunk to remember that!” Dazai whined.

“Yeah well I also remember promising to be your best man if you ever lived long enough to find someone.” Chuuya leaned back into his hip “So?” the redhead crossed his arms, waiting.

“So what?” Dazai said matter of factly. As the two stared back at each other, Atsushi finally sat down. Why did they have to do this at his desk?

“So what? You're not even going to introduce me!”

Dazai rolled his eyes. Is that really what Chuuya came here for? When Chuuya walked in you had gotten up from your desk to make tea. As you brought the cups over Dazai walked around you and put his hand on your shoulder “(Y/N), Chuuya, Chuuya, (Y/N). There, you happy?”

“Wait (Y/N)? You mean your-” Dazai cut him off but Chuuya looked surprised. You wonder what he was going to say. It sounded important.

Dazai pankicked and grabbed the other from behind covering his mouth as he dragged him out into the hallway. “Nope that's it you overstayed your welcome.” 

Once the door shut Ranpo pouted “I'm pregnant too ya know. I wouldn't mind Mr. Fancy hat being the godfather.” He puffed out his cheeks.

Atsushi rolled his eyes. “That's all you got from that!”

Ranpo sighed “No, I also got the image of Akutagawa tying you up so thanks for that.” 

Atsushi stood up so fast his chair nearly fell over. “How can everybody speak about it so casually!” 

He looked over to you with pleading eyes. Atsushi was probably hoping you'd back him up. Instead you laughed, handing him the disregarded tea. 

“Well for starters only the adults are here today and the more you talk about it the less power it has.” You handed the detective another cup. “Although instead of putting you on the spot Ranpo should have asked if you wanted to talk about it first or at least opened up about his experience.”

He took a sip of tea before shrugging. Ranpo didn't mind sharing at all in fact he’s glad someone asked about it. “Not much to say really. Poe hugged me from behind and by the time I realized he wasn't doing it to be cute I just kinda went with it.” Ranpo shrugged with a smile on his face. “I'm more curious what happened with Kunikida!”

The blonde tensed as you set the last cup down in front of him. He had stopped his typing as a bead of sweat dripped down the side of his face. “Do I have too?” Out of everyone in the office Kunikida had been the one trying the hardest to skirt around the conversations. He wanted to forget it ever happened. It was bad enough that Dazai would tease him about it whenever they were alone.

Ranpo hummed “Akiko's really careful because she could never give up drinking for that long, so since you're not forced into being a dad, dealer's choice?” You all nodded in agreement, it only seemed fair since you were putting him on the spot.

Kunikida pushed up his glasses. You assume he probably doesn't want to share. Instead he turns to address you. “Which reminds me, I thought Yosano gave you a contraceptive too?”

“I was so exhausted I forgot it was in my pocket and never took it.” You frowned. It didn't feel like a priority in the moment but like most of them you were out of it. “But forced parenting aside, right now this is about sexual trauma.”

 Kunikida cleared his throat “I wouldn't know what to share. I turned to look at Yosano and the next thing I know we're kissing in a passionate manner.” He paused wondering if he should say something about the elephant in the room. “Also this should go without saying, but no one is forcing you to be a parent. Ranpo and Atsushi might not have a choice but there's still plenty of time for you to think it over. No one would stop you if you decided you're not ready to be a mother.” This was true but your mind was already made up. 

Somehow only Ranpo knew of your crush? You thought it was fairly obvious. Had it been anyone else you probably would have gotten rid of it by now. 

Ranpo laughed before you could answer, sharing his two cents. “Who said I don't have a choice? I'm choosing to have this little munchkin! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to see what me and Poe create. Besides, I've always wanted a mini me!” He patted his stomach proudly.

Atsushi sipped on his tea “That's true. So in a weird way it kind of worked out for you and Poe huh. At least one of us lucked out.” He’s been avoiding Akutagawa as much as possible ever since that night.

Ranpo snickered, “I would say two of us lucked out.” He draped one around your shoulder opening his eyes to give you a smug look. “Well you care to share with the class? This was your idea after all.” 

So that’s why he bothered to bring all of this up. You sighed in defeat. “Lucked out my ass!” Your cheeks were red as Atsushi and Kunikida gave you incredulous looks “Keep in mind Dazai was fully conscious of his actions. He kind of just let me get it out of my system in hope that I would eventually snap out of it,” You groaned hiding your face in your hands “and yes, apparently I was begging him to fuck a baby into me. Is that what you wanted to hear, Ranpo!”

Ranpo blinked a few times “You didn't have to go that far but yeah I was just trying to get you to mention your crush on Dazai.”

“You have a crush on Dazai?!” Both Atsushi and Kunikida shouted. Kunikida nearly spat out his tea. You groaned “That’s why I was planning on keeping the child but I feel like I'd be baby trapping him.”

“It’s not baby trapping if you decide to keep the child, it's your body. I already told you that you have the final say.”

Everyone slowly turned their heads back to see Dazai coming back into the office. You swallowed “How much of that did you hear?”

“Not much but you already told me your reason for wanting to keep the kid.” He shrugged nonchalantly and everyone wiped their heads back to you.

Atsushi was dumbfounded. “Wait a second, let me get this straight. He knows that you-”

Dazai spoke over him. “-Always wanted kids, it's not that big of a deal. Unless that's not what we're talking about?” He tilted his head to the side. Did he miss something? It took a lot out of him to turn Chuuya away especially after the stupid slug made his own revelations about the situation. 

You released the breath you were holding. Everyone else understood Dazai was just as oblivious to your feelings as always. Eventually you would have to tell him but it was still early enough in the process to figure that out. At least everyone else in the office knew why you’ve been acting weird since that night.

Kunikida groaned at the realization. “I don't know if I can handle a mini Ranpo running around, let alone a mini Dazai.” He went back to his work. “It’s bad enough having to work with Dazai as is.”

You laughed as the two tried to defend themselves.

[queenlucythevaliant]

Okay, here we go. Rating literary allusions in Taylor Swift songs:

The Outside: "I tried to take the road less traveled by /but nothing seems to work the first few times/am I right?"--Starting off pretty well! She tried to take the road less traveled by, but it didn't make any difference. 8/10

Love Story: Whole song allusion to Romeo and Juliet-- All those 2008 jokes about Taylor not having read R&J weren't funny then and they aren't funny now. It's a fun, satisfying subversion. However, I am going to dock points for the fact that Romeo and Juliet aren't a prince and princess, just rich. 7/10

Love Story: "You were Romeo/I was a scarlet letter"--Is the Juliet character in "Love Story" being publicly shamed? Did she do something scandalous? There are zero other lines in this song to suggest that she did, and a fair amount of evidence that she didn't. This allusion confuses rather than clarifies and tbh this is the one people should've made fun of in 2008. 2/10

New Romantics: "We show off our different scarlet letters/ trust me, mine is better" --Hooray! She figured out what the book is about! This is a beautifully executed allusion, where "scarlet letters" represents a mark of something shameful which, in a fun subversion, is being shown off with pride. Fits the song really well. Most improved award, 11/10

Getaway Car: "It was the best of times, the worst of crimes" (A Tale of Two Cities) -- Goes in the category of "fun wordplay, but doesn't really mean anything deeper" 5/10

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: "Feeling so Gatsby for that whole year" --This is a perfectly serviceable allusion, but not a super interesting one. Sub "Gatsby" out with "nostalgic" and the song wouldn't change at all. She could've done a lot more with the reference, given the subject matter of the song. 6/10

cardigan: "I knew you/tried to change the ending/Peter losing Wendy" -- This works! You get a sense of Betty losing her innocence and choosing to leave James and of it being inevitable somehow. Plus, it imbues the song with a lovely fairy tale quality. 10/10

illicit affairs: "take the road less traveled by/tell yourself you can always stop" -- To take the road less traveled by is to do something risky, unpopular, or unfamiliar, not just to take a route through town where you won't run into people. Not totally egregious, but the regression from Debut is disappointing. 4/10

invisible string: "and isn't it just so pretty to think/ that all along there was some/ invisible string tying you to me."(The Sun Also Rises)--Ugggggh. Okay, so "Isn't it pretty to think so?" is this sad, tired, ironic note in The Sun Also Rises. Brett tells Jake, "We could have had a damned good time together" and Jake says "Isn't it pretty to think so?" because their whole situationship was never going to work. It's not a positive thing; it's pure, bitter Lost Generation irony. Completely out-of-place in a song about how two people we're supposed to believe will actually work as a couple. This one drives me nuts, and I don't even like Hemingway. 0/10

happiness: "I hope she'll be a beautiful fool/ who takes my spot next to you" (Gatsby)--Saying this about an ex's future SO is so... off. Like, the reason why Daisy hopes her daughter will be a beautiful fool is because it's easy. The two situations have nothing to do with one another, and not in an interesting way. 1/10

The Albatross: whole song allusion to "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner," but most notably "She's the albatross/ she is here to destroy you"--The albatross in the Rime is a good omen. The Mariner shoots is for no reason, and the albatross's death is the ostensible source of bad fortune. I wrote a whole separate post on this here. That said, culturally "albatross=bad omen" is common enough, so whatever. 3/10

I Hate It Here: "I will go to secret gardens in my mind/ people need a key to get to/ the only one is mine" -- I like this one a lot. Exactly the right vibe for the song, trying to escape something miserable by going somewhere pleasant. The key is a nice touch. Poor Archibald. 10/10

The Prophecy: "I got cursed like Eve got bitten" --No Taylor, that's not what happened. Famously, Eve was the biter in that situation. 0/10

Cassandra: whole song allusion -- correct me if I'm wrong (I haven't actually read the Illiad), but my understanding is that Cassandra died fairly far into the Trojan war, and not by burning. 4/10

[smytherines]

I often wonder if I would feel differently about The Staircase Scene if I had seen SAF when it first came out in 2016. The first time I saw it was probably around October or November of 2023, and like... the context is different now.

Whatever we want to say about the personal story arcs of these characters (and I know I'm in a tiny minority because, for me, killing Owen does not constitute a satisfying close to Curt's arc, that's totally fine), there is the very real issue of the sociopolitical context that this scene takes place within- both in their time (1961) and in ours.

One very cool thing about SAF is that, in order to understand these characters better, a lot of younger queer folks end up learning about the Lavender Scare, about Executive Order 10450- which officially prohibited gay people from working for the US government- for the first time. That's an incredible, precious thing to me. Yay queer history! It's important!

The show itself never addresses the fact that both the US and UK governments had very public, very brutal campaigns equating homosexuality with communism with being a traitor to your country. But if you want to understand these characters, and especially write fanfiction, you're really incentivized to teach yourself some fundamentally important aspects of queer history.

In the 54 Below concert, before singing Not So Bad, Brian Rosenthal talks about how when they were developing the show they thought N@zis were more or less a thing of the past, that they're fully aware of how differently that song might be taken now after an escalation into a more open embrace of fascism in the US. And they're absolutely right about that.

But I think that's also perhaps an issue with the staircase scene, or at least it is for me. Obviously homophobia and transphobia were not "fixed" in 2016, they were still massive problems resulting in violence and discrimination and brutality. But institutionally, at least, you could look at the situation and point to some things that were gradually getting better.

In 2016 trans youth in my state were legally allowed to receive gender affirming care. In 2024, they are not. It's not that homophobia and transphobia went away and then came back, but there was a very real resurgence of the use of the media and of governmental power to inflict pain on queer & trans people and chase them out of public life- bathroom bans, gender affirming care bans, Don't Say Gay laws, trying to make drag illegal, equating queer and trans people with pedophilia. There has been a big cultural shift back towards the same kind of violent governmental moral panic that our beloved Curt & Owen would have lived under.

Whatever we want to say about these characters and this story (and there's tons of fascinating debate there), there is still the base of a gay man killing his ex-lover ostensibly to protect US foreign policy objectives. Killing the man he loves- or loved, at least- to protect the secret that he is gay. And that hits different for me now.

I watch that scene and it is heartbreaking on a personal level, but its also heartbreaking as a queer person who just wants to scream "your government will destroy you for being gay, you don't owe them shit!"

Owen tries to explain that the surveillance network is happening, that the future won't wait for Curt to catch up. Barb has been saying she's working on the same thing for the US government the entire show, but Curt just kept ignoring her. And I just want to say "Curt, honey, what do you think your government is going to do to you with that surveillance system? Do you think you're useful enough to keep around even though you have sex with men? Because I promise you they will not care."

It feels tragic to me because on some level it seems like Curt would actually be safer with another gay man having control of all the world's secrets than he will be if the government he has dedicated his life to gets their hands on that same technology.

And the thing is, having a tragic ending doesn't make the show bad. This show is great. This scene is spectacular. It makes you think, it makes you feel things, it does all the stuff that great art is supposed to do. Absolutely none of what I'm saying here is meant to denigrate the show as a musical or a story or even a queer story. I hope it doesn't come off as me saying "actually this show is bad," because I don't feel that way at all.

Clearly I live and breathe this show. That's why I spend all my time on here analyzing every scene, every frame, every facial expression. I love this show so much that I can't help but deconstruct it and look at all its component parts- including the sociopolitical context both now and in 1961. Because that context, despite never being explicitly mentioned, is important to our understanding of these characters.

I love these characters so much that it's actually pretty difficult for me to watch A2P7 anymore, because the staircase scene is so emotionally devastating to me that it's hard to try to swing back into that more comedic tone (even though Spy Dance is a certified bop).

I'm not even sure what my point is with all of this, other than to say that Spies Are Forever is a show that is great and fun and funny as written/performed, and becomes gradually more emotionally devastating when you rewatch it or when you understand the subtext of it. When you can engage with the themes of gender and sexuality, surveillance and technology, trauma and trust, and tease out even more satisfying theories around this show.

So yeah. It's a musical. It's about spies.

[diaperedautistic]

finding diapers as a continent/semicontinent autistic

(This essay is not in Plain Language. Please tell me if you want a Plain Language version and I will write one.)

I was slow to toilet train: I routinely came home wet from kindergarten and was still wetting myself occasionally in third grade and later. This was mostly an executive function problem; I usually knew I had to pee, but didn't have the executive function to stop whatever I was doing to use the bathroom.

I didn't get much in the way of help for this: I was kicked out of diapers before entering kindergarten. In kindergarten and first grade, I was 'on a schedule', which meant staff would pull me out of class to take me to use the bathroom periodically, hopefully before I'd wet myself. As early as kindergarten, my parents yelled at me for wetting myself, and past first grade, yelling was all the help I got. No one suggested diapers as a way to avoid the shame and humiliation of accidents; it was apparently better for a third-grader to wet herself in front of her classmates than for her to wear diapers.

Eventually, like some autistics, I 'grew out' of it: I learned to absorb the executive function cost of interrupting myself to go pee, or the pain of holding it because I didn't want to interrupt myself, and I stopped wetting myself.

At some level, though, I always understood that diapers were something I needed: when I hit puberty, they became a fetish object; when I transitioned in my late twenties, they shifted to a non-sexual emotional comfort, and I started wearing them more often. As I worked through some of my childhood trauma in therapy, they shifted again, to a radical way of 'rewriting the story' for my younger self who'd needed them, and I started wearing them full-time.

(I want to stop here and acknowledge that I was privileged to be able to make this change in my life: I can afford to live by myself to avoid judgmental family or housemates, and I can afford to buy disposable diapers out of pocket. Many people can't, and I'd love to see diapers as a voluntary adaptation for autistics destigmatized and covered by insurance.)

Once I was wearing diapers full-time, something magical happened: my brain settled back into those same patterns from elementary school, using my diaper when I'm hyperfocused and using the toilet when I'm not. I find focused tasks easier and less stressful, since I don't have to interrupt myself to go use the bathroom in the moment or cope with the ongoing sensory and executive function cost of feeling and knowing that I have to go to the bathroom eventually. I don't worry about burning something on the stove, forgetting important context while programming, or losing the plot of a movie or TV show I wanted to watch. I can get what I wanted to get done more easily, and have more energy and cope left for other things.

Despite the obvious benefits, I still felt ashamed when I found myself wet after a period of hyperfocus; I wasn't 'supposed' to wet myself, and I wasn't 'supposed' to wear diapers.

A couple weeks ago, as part of a larger effort to find better accommodations for myself, I found @endeverstar's wonderful article "Finding AAC as a verbal/semiverbal autistic". It talks about how xe found speaking with mouth words difficult and stressful but was nonetheless forced into a bunch of speech therapy as a kid so xe could be considered "speaking"; nobody offered xem AAC as a kid because xe didn't 'need' it and it was stigmatized. Xe discovered AAC as an adult, quickly realized it was easier and less stressful than mouth words, and is at this point mostly-nonspeaking.

This was me, toilet training, and diapers. Everything suddenly made sense.

I found toileting without diapers as a backup difficult and stressful, but was nonetheless forced to so I could be considered "toilet trained"; nobody offered me diapers as a kid past the 'normal' age because I didn't 'need' them and they were stigmatized. I rediscovered diapers as an adult, realized they were easier and less stressful, and decided to wear them all the time.

Overnight, that last whiff of shame disappeared. Diapers aren't just a fetish object, an emotional comfort, or a way of 'rewriting' my trauma. Diapers are a valid adaptive choice for autistics, even those who are technically capable of always using the toilet!

So, to paraphrase endever*: if you're a continent or mostly-continent autistic person and you're wondering whether diapers might be useful for you -- consider this your permission slip! You're allowed to try them if you think they might help, and you're allowed to keep using them if you find them helpful. Toileting works for abled people, but isn't inherently superior; don't listen to anyone who says you're 'not allowed' to use diapers unless you 'need' them or that you should force yourself to always use the toilet if that doesn't work for you.

Everyone deserves access to the full range of communication methods that work for them, and likewise everyone deserves access to the full range of toileting strategies that work for them.

[rainymoodlet]

🌧 rainymoodlet is in full hiatus mode! 🌧

hoo... absolutely sick to my stomach writing this. ✌ for more information, please read below! thank you all for following my stories, loving my bachelor challenge, and loving my little pixels as much as i do. 😊

Well, my darling fellow simblrs... it's happened. It's been a bit of a long time coming over the past few months, but I've finally decided to put my blog into a permanent sort of "hiatus mode". I am a person who is riddled with executive dysfunction and lack of self-control, and I know that if I don't legitimately cut myself off from Simblr™ and the disassociation it's allowed me, I will. not. quit. 😅

I originally joined Simblr back in 2021 during a really difficult and isolated time in my life. I haven't been able to speak much to it because of the legal issues it's tied up in, but Simblr became my escape whilst in the throes of seeking justice against my abuser in a time where my entire family had abandoned me, and my fiance and I were living alone in my parents' house with only the two of us to swirl in deep and massive depression. Sims has always been my escape; from 2004 onward, it has given me narrative control and visual fantasy for as long as I can remember, and it will always be a deeply comforting and "safe" game for me.

But when I joined Simblr, it was out of many of the reasons that I think we can all relate to as writers and creatives. I had the idea for Loved by the Sun, and as I kept imagining and writing and building this world, I thought: "I deserve to show this to people. I really want people to see this. And I really want them to think it's good." I had been existing on the fringes of Simblr on my own personal Tumblr blog: I've seen countless legacies rise and fall, countless dramas spread out across blogs that are no longer active and haven't been for years. I wanted people to wake up and roll over and check my blog, desperate for updates, eager for more.

And more than anything, I wanted to escape the day-to-day hell I was living in.

But as the years went on, I've noticed that the excitement and creativity that drove my creation of my account has dwindled beyond measure. And I will put that on myself - starting a Bachelor Challenge like Kiss Me in Komorebi was one of the beginning nails in the coffin of my creativity and enjoyment of Simblr. I do not regret it one bit, and I am so grateful for the following it's gained and the genuine enjoyment you've all had with KMiK. It's my proudest achievement, it's pushed me to be a better editor and a better screenshot-taker, it's challenged me in my way of playing and it's introduced me to so many wonderful people.

But of course... I me'd it up. 😎

I've become obsessed to an egregious degree with the perception of my handling of this challenge. I want everyone to feel as though their sim gets enough screen-time, I want everyone to feel that the creative effort they put into submitting their sims was respected, and I desperately don't want anyone to feel left out or as though they're being ignored in favor of other contestants. It became so much less of telling Dan's story and journey, and all about how I was appearing as the Master of the Game.

And to be honest, my obsession with "staying relevant" in the fast-paced scroll of the Simblr Dashboard, believing you all would stop caring or stop reading if I didn't post as quickly as possible, was my own doom from the start, fkdfdjk.

In my life, I've had countless opportunities to turn my life around and start changing for the better. And time and time again, the energy that could have gone toward improving my situation or bettering my relationships has gone toward Simblr, and this online environment. I have practically no life beyond the screen: my days off are spent taking screenshots or spending four hours on builds that I still won't finish, obsessed over every angle, desperately seeking out that ~sparkle~ of simplicity and not-trying-too-hard I apply to all of your screenshots.

I am a dopamine and serotonin fiend, and though I can pinpoint in my life where trauma and isolation has pushed me to my online spaces, I was hyper-aware of the reality that in a few years, I won't be involved in Simblr. I won't be posting constantly, I won't care about the mods or the updates or the custom content.

And the stories I've written will be monuments to the time I've wasted, working on chasing the serotonin monster instead of bettering my own life and my own situation.

And now, I've got a real chance to do something better with my life. My fiance and I are at a crossroads of choice - we can change our lives for the better this year, or we can accept that the years of inaction we forced ourselves into out of the fear of moving forward have doomed us to a life we're not happy with. And I am one stubborn bastard when it comes to giving up.

The friendships and connections I've made here are some of the most meaningful in my life, and I hate that I've pulled back in the way I have. Along the way, it became much more about the notes, the numbers, the interaction, the reblogs over likes - and I lost myself and my friendships to my own mismanagement of my time and energy. I could spend five hours on one build, going from 7am to 12pm in a lightning speed of disassociation and obsessive Alt-clicking, and at the end of the day sit there and go...

What the hell have I done today? I could have messaged someone, I could have chatted with my friends, I could have done something. But no, I built a science lab, or a date location, and fretted the entire time until my stomach felt sick that it just "wasn't right" or wouldn't "look the way I wanted it to" in my screenshots.

I deeply, deeply love my stories, and I am so proud of them and what they've done for y'all and how you all have enjoyed them. I am incredibly lucky for the experience I've had on Simblr, and I know that there are plenty of blogs out there that sit with little interaction when they deserve so much more.

And yes, I will admit. The tendency of a 15-minute slapped together CAS edit of mine getting more notes and spotlight than the posts of my stories I've put legitimate effort into has fucked with my brain.

Simblr has changed from the story-laden place it was when I was following y'alls stories and legacies from 2015 onward. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that! Online spaces shift and change just as much as the social media sites like TikTok and Instagram, that go through trends and phases and fads and memes the same way we do. We are not above other social media in that regard, and I think there's a general sense from Simblr that we're some isolated island; we don't follow trends, we don't have fads, we don't have audio trends that get slapped on every other six-second video.

But I will raise you the Blender Phase and the Edit Phase as evidence every time.

I need to take some serious introspection time, and commit a lot of my energy to things that can bring me positive change outside of this online space. I hope to be able to come back as a better, healthier person, but to be honest, I don't really know when that will be. (Even this post is something I feel I have to do to be responsible, not just disappearing in the middle of this Challenge, leaving you all hanging djfh) I hope this doesn't come off as some high-horse rant, or leave a sour taste in y'alls mouths.

I just... I'll really miss this space. I'll miss the sims, I'll miss you guys, I'll miss your posts and your legacies and your sense of humor. I want to thank so many people, but I don't want to tag you all and shove this post into your activity streams dkfd.

I can't give any commitments to appearing more in Discord or even being present on this space - I've gone to the point of disconnecting the Chrome browser that's for rainymoodlet from my main icon bar, like I am going straight cold-turkey. I'll still be playing Sims, but I'm going to try and reconnect with it for myself - not for the screenshots, not for the stories, and not for the desperate want for people to understand what I'm posting or for it to make sense or satisfy, dfkj.

I am so, so incredibly grateful for every single one of you, and I hate to just drop this out of nowhere. But I need to do this, for me and for my future. And now I'm just sitting here like "Shannon, it's simblr, fucking chill." dkjfd I JUST... this space has done so much for me, and I genuinely feel a sense of loss in leaving. Especially in the middle of a story, fkgjfkg.

I really do genuinely love and care for you all. Please take care of yourselves, okay? Mama Shan does genuinely want the best for you, and I can't thank you enough for letting little old dorky ass me be a part of your community and your lives.

'Til next time, y'all. I'll see you soon. 💛