#i graduate next year i cant afford to fuck any of this up

[4byun]

I’m so exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed. I was sick for a whole week with a flu and had to miss a week of uni. I have a midterm project due in less than 2 days and I haven’t been able to finish it because I can’t sleep and my body is still recovering. And my professor isn’t responding to me. I might just lose it.

[snakejar]

and the history book on the shelf... is always repeating itself.

aside from the absolutely disrespectful farewell for logan sargeant, i cant believe we are doing this shit again.

lets take it back.

its 2022. logan is announced to be driving for williams in 2023. he scores 1 point the entire year and is trolled the whole time for never performing. james vowles resigns him for the 2024 season nonetheless and says that they believe in him to grow and improve. he doesn't, and for he's abandoned by the team before the season even ends.

but the only reason logan was underperforming in the first place was because it was too early. sure, he had done 1 year in f2, but the type of people who do one year in f2 and win big in f1 are the charles leclercs, oscar piastris, and george russells of the world, and not everyone is like that. he needed more experience, more confidence, more familiarity - none of which he got enough of in 1 year.

and now its happening again, but worse. franco colapinto has no future in formula 1 - racing for 9 races, being replaced the next year, and not being able to go back to f2 is the dictionary definition of the death of a career. he'll likely find a spot at the back of the garage as a reserve driver for the forseeable future. worse yet, franco has even less experience than logan. he is an f2 rookie this year. he hasnt even completed a full season. hes raced in an f1 car maybe 3 times ever. he doesnt even have a full super license. logan's replacement should be better than him, bring in more money than him, guaranteed to do better than logan has or may, at the very least so that unceremoniously dropping logan in the middle of the season is a bit more justified - but franco is none of those things, and cannot be promised to be any of those things. franco has won fewer times than logan, is placing lower than logan did in f2. he is not promised to be great in the same way kimi antonelli or liam lawson are promised to be. and the argentine money and support may be plenty, but is it more than the american money? the established support, fans, and popularity logan has? i want to clarify this is not a hate post on franco colapinto, but it is simply reality. williams is dropping logan for failure to perform and the unlikelihood of performance later this season, which means they need to pick up someone who has demonstrated the potential to perform and will certainly perform this season, because driver swaps are costly and risky, and franco is simply not a safe bet or solution.

this is not the fulfillment of a dream for franco colapinto, it is the murder of a career. james vowles knows that alex albon and carlos sainz will be driving next year. he knows franco is inexperienced and therefore will very likely replicate logan's lack of results. he knows that graduating him to f1 will mean he cannot return to f2. he knows that he has not planned a future for franco at williams past these next 9 races. why would he do this? franco will have to settle for driving reserve or fucking off next year, and finding your footing in a completely different racing series is difficult, especially when you're young and your career has changed so rapidly. over the years it has been demonstrated time and time again that we never learn from our mistakes, and that the history book will forever be repeating itself, and this saga is only another chapter in said history book. in 4 months we will likely be watching franco colapinto race in formula 1 for the last time ever, and maybe at the end of it all james will finally reconsider replacing inexperienced rookies with inexperienced rookies.

edit: i was under the impression that there was a rule against going back to f2 after you get into f1, but apparently there isnt. even so, its rather unlikely because f2 teams have more than enough young prospects to choose from next year, and often cant afford an ex f1 driver's salary. plus its still a sad move career wise for franco; the likelihood of him making it in f1 after racing 9 races, going back to f2, and going back into f1 again is very unlikely.

[beenbaanbuun]

bunny lore drop… not a good one🧍🏻‍♀️

weirdly, it’s a lot easier for me to be sad when i’m not stuck in my childhood bedroom staring at everything from my past and wondering whether teenage me would be proud of where she ended up. i have to assume that she probably wouldn’t for the most part, but she probably should’ve expected it to turn out this way. in hindsight, i can’t see a single reason why this wouldn’t have been the outcome.

i cant sleep, i cant eat, i cant get out of bed most days. i feel tired and worn out after doing the simplest of tasks and any time i get to rest i just feel like it isn’t enough. it’s never enough. i go through every day watching my time slip away from me, regretting the fact that i’m not doing more with the time i have, yet unable to find the effort to do anything but lie here and wait for something.

what the fuck am i waiting for?

my parents’ financial support ran out this year and they tried to convince me to move back home for the year. at least until i graduate and can get a job that would support me living away from home. i told them no; gave them some bullshit excuse about how living away would help me with my studying even though i know deep down it won’t. i cant afford it, not by a long shot. even with my job, i don’t know how i’m going to have enough money for my rent next month. still, i think i’m happier scraping through life like that than i ever would’ve been staying in my childhood bedroom, away from the people who make my life seem more exciting, staring at the objects from a time in my life that i was certain would be my worst.

[lexa-griffins]

Clarke is the stereotypical bad girl in school while Lexa is the over achieving nerd. Clarke's parents hire Lexa to be her tutor so Clarke can pass her classes and finally graduate this year

Lexa is so frustrated at Clarke because she never pays attention during her tutoring sessions. She's too distracted and can never focus.

Although her classmates may think Lexa is an angel, she's actually very kinky and slutty. Lexa decides to use sex to incentivize Clarke to study

It actually works

Lexa isn't the biggest believer in seeing the best in people. Why should she find excuses for people who want to show nothing more than their worst selves?

That's exactly what she feels like with Clarke. She is not tutoring her out of the goodness of her heart or because she believes deep down Clarke is a good soul with a brave heart. No. Clarke is a wannabe bad girl who does little more than smoke behind the school, skips classes like she isn't two years behind, and pretends like the world is all about what she wants. All Lexa is here for is the Griffin's paycheck, who seem to hold to the strong belief that their daughter will be able to graduate anytime in the next decade, and while Lexa would disagree, she needs to show up every weekend while they are away on some business trip to tutor their very uninterested daughter in a room that reeks of weed.

And right now, as Lexa tries to explain to her once again the themes of the novel they were assigned, she teuly fails to see any good in Clarke. She's sighing with boredom, making sly comments about everything Lexa tells her, Lexa can tell their belief is oh so very misplaced.

"Clarke, did you hear what I just said?"

Clarke is spaced out, staring somewhere in Lexa's direction but clearly not looking at her.

"Hm? Oh, no."

Lexa closes her eyes for a second, trying not to pop the vein her head at repeating herself for the fourth time. As she starts to repeat herself, focusing on Clarke's face, she realizes where her attention lies.

"Are you staring at my tits?"

Without a drop of shame, Clarke smirks, "Yup. They are much more interesting than whatever it is you are talking about. Did you know they jiggle slightly when you shake your leg in anger at me?"

Immediately, Lexa freezes the leg she's been bouncing nonstop in anger for a good half an hour now.

"You are so gross."

"And you are entirely too hot to be this fucking boring."

Lexa shots up from where she's sitting, putting distance between herself and Clarke, "Urgh. You are just- fucking impossible."

"Well, I dont give a single shit about any of this. Never have. And I doubt you'll change my opinion on it."

Lexa bites her lip as she tries to contain her anger. She can not afford to lose this gig. If the Griffin's realize Clarke is making no improvements they'll try and find someone better and she cant fucking afford to that. They pay too well for such a simple job.

As Clarke lies in bed, unbothered by the red in Lexa's face or the silence in the room, Lexa's mind finds what might be a risky, but perfect solution for her troubles.

She steps towards the bed without hesitation, throwing her legs around Clarke's waist and sitting on her lap with confidence. She bites back a smile as she watches Clarke’s eyes grow bigger at the sudden boldness of the move, her mouth opened in shock.

She tries to rouch Lexa's hips but Lexa quickly slaps them away.

"How about this? I ride you and if you get the answers right I'll let you cum." Lexa states nonchalantly, pretending the thought of it doesn't excite her, pretending the sudden hardness she feels againt her crotch from Clarke's own pants doesn't make her shiver.

Clarke smirks at the thought, hand once again trying to find Lexa's skin, "Damn Woods, I never thought you-"

Lexa pushes the hand away, more aggressively this time around, "I need this fucking job and for me to keep it you need to learn. If this will make you at least pay attention, Im willing to do it. But dont think Im doing it because I've been secretly dreaming of fucking you."

"Maybe not me, but I think you've been dreaming of something like this for a while now."

Lexa feels her breathing shake when Clarke's hand touches her thigh, "I have not."

"Oh, c'mon Lexa. I'm not as stupid as i may seem. No one jumps into the riding a dick train just to keep a side gig."

"Fine. I get to ride dick and keep my job. Seems like a good deal to me, happy?"

"And what exactly do I get from this?"

Lexa is feeling herself getting wetter by the minute and Clarke's parents should be home in about an hour. She really doesnt have time for Clarke's stupid games.

"Good grades, a quick fuck and your parents off your ass?

Clarke seems to think about this for a second before making a face, "Doesn't seem like enough of a motivator."

Fuck this girl. Lexa finds herself slowly grinding on Clarke's clothed boner, somwthing the girl underneathher seems unbothered by, "what more could you possibly want Clarke?"

She wastes no time in geabbing a handful of Lexa's ass and squeezing it through her jeans, "If i pass the class I get to fuck your ass."

Lexa stops her movements, scrunching her face at the suggestion, pretending the idea didn't just get her wetter, "You are un fucking believable. Fuck that, forget I even suggested it, good luck finding someone else to tutor you!" Lexa exclaims as she moves away from Clarke with difficulty, her core wanting nothing more than to continue her grinding.

A hand grabbing her arm stops her, "Hey! Okay, okay. Forget that." Clarke pulls her in top of her once again and this time their faces are inches apart, "i accept the deal."

Lexa nods solemnly. She reaches her notebook and opens it next to them. She makes quick work of both of their pants, faking complete calmness when Clarke's boner jumps out and nearly hits her face, sliding the condom around Clarke's dick with expertise. Shes dripping at this point and she lowers herself onto Clarke's dick with ease. There is a smirk on her face when she sees the bliss in Clarke's face by being buried inside of her.

Lexa starts moving, slowly, back and forth. "Clarke?"

"Y-yeah?"

"What are the main themes of the novel"

"What?"

Lexa stops her movements completely, earning her a desperate groan from Clarke. "What are the main themes of the novel? There are three."

"Hm..."

"Id you get them right, I'll ride you faster. If not, I'll continue the slow pace"

Immediately, Lexa sees the wheels turn inside Clarke's brain "Death hm.... Famine and Family?

It seems she found a way to get to Clarke. She moves faster without warning and almost immediately Clarke moans, glad to have gotten it right.

They continue the game until Clarke manages to answer as many questions as Lexa is comfortable asking before she herself finds the urge to cum is too much.

As Clarke answers the final question, Lexa rides her hard and fast, letting control go out the window, allowing Clarle to grip her ass and gride her dick deeper inside, cumming deep inside Lexa.

"Fuck." Clarke chuckles as she comes down from her high, "thats ine way to learn useless shit."

"I accept your condition."

"My condition?"

"If you pass I'll let you fuck my ass. But. You need to get an A, not just pass. I dont work with under achievers. "

Clarke smiles genuinely this time and Lexa feels her heart skip a beat at the warmth in her face. Its gone the moment Clarke's smile turns into a smirk, "That good?"

"You are so gross."

The sessions repeat, twice a week. The results are clear as day with each quiz, Clarke's parents impressed at the improvement, so much so they start paying for more lessons, payment Lexa takes gladly.

And with each excellent new mark, the closer they get to the payment of their agreement, with Clarke so mucj as biting Lexa's ass as she gets dressed, a whispered "you're nearly mine" that makes Lexa roll her eyes and pretend the bite didn't set something off in her.

Lexa is really hopes Clarke gets that A.

[shipuu]

So i find tratie adorable so this how i think they got together

We are gonna make this realistic not that “fell in love when we were 16 and somehow managed to stay together through everything”. Nothing wrong with that trope. But like i said ~~realistic

Katherine gardner - originally from washington dc. She went to gerogetown uni.

She has always been passionate about the plants and first decided to major in Agricultural Studies, but then she didnt really like it.

So she switched to environmental studies. Not exactly about plants per se. But still related to the environment.

She sees the way humans are destroying the world and genuinely wants to help

Shes got good friends in college, sleeps around a little bit. Has a good relationship with her father.

Extremely hard working. Work ethic 1000000. Graduated with honors. Got a job at an enviromental consultancy firm in new york.

Travis off to college. I believe he went to a college in ny to be close to CHB and connor. Probably a community college seeing as he couldnt afford other unis

Nothing wrong with that. His relationship with his mom is rocky. So she wouldn’t be able to help out.

Majored in business administration. He takes it lightly his first year, seeing as how he isn’t used to the education system because he lived at CHB his whole life.

He genuinely wants to be successful. To have a life for himself and connor. So after first year kicks his butt, he works hard and raised his GPA the following years.

Extremely good at math and numbers. He steal messes around, playing pranks on people but nothing harmful. Also sleeps around a lot. (Nothing wrong with that)

Malcolm pace made an offhanded comment about how travis should start a new club at uni called “how to steal” and he considers it before shoving the idea away.

During the summer, he helps chiron with any business related things (tax forms, buying shirts, selling strawberries). Connor and him still play a lottttt of pranks

Graduated with honors. Lives in brooklyn With connor who is currently attending college. They still visit CHB from time to time.

So this one time, he steals something but then gets caught. Nothing expensive. A petty offence really. He calls chiron up to save his ass but chirons like NOPE.

So he gets charged. And the court gives him community service since it really was a petty offence.

He has to work with those “plant a tree” volunteer services during the weekend.

Katie is also volunteering there for fun and mostly because during the weekend, she has time to spare.

Travis goes there and is genuinely surprised to see her since he hasnt seen her in 4 years. ( she doesnt visit CHB as often. And even when she does she doesnt see the stolls)

Katie is genuinely surprised too.

First day, they dont talk the whole morning- just planting trees. Katie is still curious as to why he is here. So by the afternoon she asks him.

Shes isnt one bit surprised about the stealing thing. She also forgave them about the Easter Bunny cabin incident as it was 8 years ago??¿¿

Hes kinda nervous and blushing when he tells her the truth. Tbh he had a tiny crush on her back when they were teens. But it sorta went away, as they didnt interact much.

They catch up and its mostly just small talk. The next day, they talk more and katie realises travis has changed. He isn’t as annoying anymore. Travis also realises that katie has changed as she doesnt lecture and scold people anymore. Shes become more chill

The volunteering thing is over so they exchange numbers, promising to keep in touch. However over text, their convo is dry seeing as they arent THAT close and with their busy adult lifes. They slowly drift apart.

Fast forward another year. Katie works at her environmental firm and they start a new project. The firms brings in business consultants because the project has to be a success. One of the consultants is obvio TRAVISSSSSS.

Again both of them are surprised to see each other. Like always they dont really talk in the beginning. Mostly small talk. But then they get paired together for a part of the project.

So then it begins, late nights, coffee runs, laughter at 11pm in the office. Trying to work on numbers and investors and getting the most out reach on this project.

They get to know each other on a much higher level. They start to like each other but wont say anything.

Travis admits katie is gorgeous. And katie admits travis is handsome (not to each other. They just think about it)

2 months later, katie invites travis over to work on the project, trying to come up with an action plan. He brings over beer. And they settle in. Its 2 am. And they both are tipsy.

The project is long forgotten, and start talking about weird things like is cereal soup? Is gucci even worth it?

Its 2 am. Katies apartment is dim because of the lighting. They are both drunk. Sitting on the floor, extremely close to each other. Travis find hers absolutely gorgeous. Her cheeks are flushed coz of the alcohol. And shes wheezing so hard coz of what he said.

Katie thinks he looks hot as hell. And with his knowledge on business she finds him 1000 times more attractive.

Travis kisses her first, he pulls back about to apologise, before katie grabs him by the shirt and kisses him back. They have drunk sex on the carpet.

When travis wakes up the next morning, he realises he fucked up. Sleeping with a coworker. What was he thinking? You dont mix business and pleasure.

So he leaves her apartment. And when katie wakes up to see him not there she is kinda hurt.

They see each other in the office next day. And travis cant make eye contact with her. Katie is super confused because she thought he had a good time.

When everyone goes to lunch. She grabs travis and pushed him into a broom closet. And practically interrogates him.

Travis admits he likes her and she says the same. They’re super close to each other(coz of the tiny closet). The electricity in the air is charged. And they kiss again.

Travis doesnt wanna have sex in a closet so he picks her up, slams her on a table in the closet, bunches her tight skirt around her hips, and goes down her.

And katies just trying not to moan loudly. But failing miserably. Travis stoll knows how to eat pussy.

The rest of the day is filled with luscious glances, slight touches, her putting her hand on his thigh under the table and slowly inching upwards.

They meet up that evening at her apartment. And they agree to start dating. They keep it lowkey not yet telling connor.

After 1 month, they tell connor who btw called it from day one. He’s extremely happy for them.

Travis gets a bit jealous when guys flirt with katie and vice versa. But the two them only have eyes for each other.

Katie gets paired with another guy from the office for some work. Travis also notices that the guy checks katie out a lot, even though she is oblivious.

because of their conflicting work schedules, and how they never get to see each other. Katie working on the project with “that guy”travis is busy with his work, and helping connor out in his senior year. Late nights where they miss each other so much

And thats when their first real fight happens. Hes yelling. Shes yelling. Travis gets insecure that katie doesnt want him anymore. Katies positive they are gonna break up.

In a last ditch effort, she goes to his place. And have a painfully truthful conversation on how they both messed up. They promise to do better and communicate more

That night they make ~~love~~ to each other. Not sex, LOVEEEEE.

After that its smooth sailing. They have fights now and then, but nothing they cant handle.

Their first “I love you’s” is a week after they made love to each other. She was making dinner ( shes a fucking amazing cook) and travis is standing behind her arms around her waist, chin on her shoulders.

And they’re talking and he says “well thats one of things i love about u” and after a second he realises what he said and practically freezes. Katie stops stirring the pasta and turns to look at him.

They both just kinda stare at each other and travis is so fucking nervous and then katie breaks out into the most breathtaking smile he has ever seen. she tells him i love u back.

Their kissing turns to making out and he picks her up, slams her on the kitchen counter and they have sex. (They also turned off the stove dw)

2 orgasms later. They finally eat dinner. And things between them are fucking amazing

After dinner they retreat back to the bedroom where katie is screaming his name and travis’ grunting heavily.

And it’s complete bliss.....

Also side note. Hermes and demeter 100% approve

[shoutoismybaby]

Enouement- Ch 1

Pregnant!Reader X Bakusquad boy (He is a secret until next chapter! Can you guess who it is?)

Enouement- The bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.

Hi! This is inspired by all of those unexpected pregnancy AU’s that I love reading, but it always made me sad they were only a one-shot, so I turned it into a chaptered series! I hope you enjoy and tell me who you think the boyfriend is!

(also special thanks to @liliesoftherain for helping me with this story, a true MVP that you should follow)

masterlist/ part2

***

This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was a one-time thing, an accident. After being together for 2 years you both had finally turned 18 and decided it was time to take the next step in your relationship. You didn’t think that this would happen. You were careful every time after, neither of you thought that this would be the outcome of a one-time thing. He COULDN’T know this was the outcome, he couldn’t know that there was any outcome at all.

But there was, and it sat there in your shaking hands, a small test with two lines. Tears welled up in your eyes as you muttered to yourself about how this couldn’t be happening. You were on winter break, graduation was only 3 months away!

Could you hide it until then? You could only be about 2 months now, so no way that would be possible. Should you even hide it in the first place? Could you even take care of a baby? Did you want to give up your dreams of being a hero for a baby? And what about…

No. You couldn’t do that to him. You could never ruin his dream, a baby would set him back so far. He would never be able to forgive you. Even if he did, you wouldn’t be able to forgive yourself. Not only that but he totally was not mature enough to even think about being a parent. Those thoughts only left you with one option, abortion. You knew you couldn’t talk to your parents about it, or you felt like you couldn’t anyway. They would be so disappointed in you. Not only that an abortion sounded so terrifying to you.

Would they have to reach inside of you? Suck the baby out?

The thought of it made you nauseous.

“(Y/n), you alright?” you heard your mother’s voice from outside the door, “you’ve been in there for a while.”

“You having diarrhea?” Your dad laughed, and you hear the ‘ow’ that left his mouth after being elbowed by your mom. You quickly wiped your eyes and tried to clear your throat,

“Yeah,” you tried to figure out an excuse, “I was um, just fixing my hair.”

The last few days of winter break went by pretty smoothly, though you couldn’t help but feel like puking every time you thought of the test you had buried into your trashcan. Going back to the dorms was nowhere near easy, however, morning sickness hit you hard and excusing yourself from class in time to run to the bathroom was one of the most difficult things you had ever accomplished. Luckily for you, no one seemed suspicious of your changing behavior. In fact, your boyfriend just thought your increased appetite was cute. Part of it was probably due to being in different classes, you used to hate being in class 3-b, but at the moment it was giving you the time away from your boyfriend that you feared would reveal your secret.

“Hey, (Y/n), you okay?” your boyfriend’s happy voice broke through your thoughts. “You’ve been spaced out a lot recently.”

“Yeah I’m okay,” you tried to bring yourself back to the present, “it’s just that even though it’s only been a couple of weeks since break I’m already worried about our final.”

It wasn’t a lie. While you were worried about the exam, your biggest fear wasn’t about knowing the answers. No, you were terrified at the thought of not being able to take it in the first place.

“What do you mean, you've got nothing to worry about babe!” His chipper attitude brought a much-needed smile to your face.

“Yeah, you’re like totally smart!” Mina agreed, the rest of the Bakusquad you spent most time out of class with made various noises in agreement. 

“Thanks, guys, but I’m more worried about the application portion. I heard the teachers won’t be wearing any restrictions thi-” Your phone buzzing on the table cut you off. Your boyfriend picked it up for you,

“It’s your mom,” he said, handing it over. You stood up and ruffled his hair gently,

“I’ll be back,” You answered the call once you stepped out of the cafeteria, “Hey mom, what's up?”

“Hey honey, I just have a question.” Her voice sounded shaky and a nervousness built up in your stomach.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course. Your father and I just decided to get started on some cleaning, he wanted to beat the neighbors to spring cleaning, you know how he is.” Her laugh didn’t comfort you as much as it usually would.

“Yeah,” was the only way you could respond. You could tell that she was upset, but what was it about. “Is dad okay?”

“He went into your room to get your trash today.”

Your heart sunk.

“Mom I-”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Her voice broke and tears sprung up into your eyes. 

“I was scared! I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me, it was an accident and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do!” Your voice sounded strangled as you struggled to not sob in the middle of the hallway.

“Honey if you have this baby,  your hero career will be ruined. You might not even be able to graduate at this point.”

“I know that,” you sniffled and wiped at your watering eyes.

“But Does your boyfriend?” It was a reasonable question but it caused a sharp pain to shoot through your chest.

“No,” You walked over to the window to watch the snowfall outside,

“(Y/n), you need to tell him,” Obviously you knew that, but you just couldn’t.

“He’ll hate me! I just- I don’t… I don’t want the baby. I want to be a hero, and I can’t ruin his life like that.” You could hear her sigh as you wiped at your eyes.

“Listen, I’m going to pick you up from school, and we will figure out what to do okay?” You could only mutter in agreement before wiping your eyes some more. You turned away from the windows and back to the doors of the cafeteria only to let out a startled gasp. Standing in front of the doors was The Bakugou Katsuki.

“B-Bakugou, I don’t know what you think you heard but I can assure you it’s definitely not what it seems li-”

“You’re pregnant?” His eyes were blown wide open, and while you had seen him shocked in battle before, you had never seen him look so agape. Your once loose grip on your phone tightened to the point your hand ached in protest. The soft fabric of your shirt as you held the device close to your chest did little to comfort you as you began to shake.

“No, it’s not like that, I just..” Your grip on your phone slackened and your arms dropped to your sides, Bakugou wasn’t going to believe whatever shitty excuse you came up with, so you gave up.

“You’re fucking pregnant.” His eyes pierced through you and you couldn’t help but look down at the ground in shame.

“Yeah,” Your headshot up along with your hands, phone abandoned in your pocket, “but you cant tell! No one can know.”

“You’re not going to tell him?” His brows furrowed now, looking deeper to how you were used to seeing his face,

“Who knows what he would do if he found out! Hate me, leave me, give up on his dream to take care of the-” You pause, some part of you can not bring yourself to say the word once again. The whole situation was already too real for you. “I just need to deal with it by myself, then it won’t matter and everything can go back to feeling normal!”

“Is that what you want?” His voice was uncharacteristically gentle,

“What are you talking about, what do you mean?” You scrunch your face in confusion. Not only did you have no idea what you were going to do, but now Bakugou was acting weird. As the blonde moved to open his mouth he was cut off by the bell. You both knew that your conversation would have to end there as people were about to walk through the door, and the relief caused your body to slacken.

The rest of the day went by pretty fast, other than hero training which really wore you out. You walked as slowly as possible to avoid seeing your parent’s faces again. You knew they would be in the parking lot of the cafe across the street, and they would be so disappointed in you. So you lingered about once school ended, spending some extra time hanging out with the Bakusquad. You were trying to be as normal as you could, but that unwavering stare you felt on your back just made your nerves skyrocket. You wanted to say you were being paranoid, you really did, that Bakugou glared at everyone. Yet the longer he looked the more unease you felt that wasn’t one of his normal stares

Would he ruin everything for you? He understood that this wasn’t his place to tell right? Plus, when had the Bakugou Katsuki ever cared about things that weren’t supposed to involve him? Still, he did what he wanted when he wanted, and that was that. His extremely strong set of morals is what guided him in life, despite what some liked to believe. He was definitely going to let your secret spill. If he did that then..

Oh god, you needed to get rid of this baby. It could ruin everything you worked for, and you couldn't imagine living without your boyfriend by your side. He was such a happy guy who lit up every room he walked into. His smile was contagious and he always knew how to cheer you up. This time though, you knew that this was something you would have to deal with without him, even though you hated the idea of keeping a secret as big as this. You two were so honest with each other, you were open books the other could read at any moment. But if he knew about the baby..

You must have cradled your stomach without thinking because everyone started looking at you weirdly,

“Is your stomach upset (Y/n)?” Your boyfriend was at your side, concerned for you as always. You wondered if he could tell something was wrong.

“Maybe you should head home and rest, we can’t afford you getting sick!” The group agreed with Mina, and strangely that included Bakugou.

“Yeah, you should go home to your parents.” He grumbled the others teased him about caring for you, but you saw the look in his eyes. You knew what he was thinking.

With that, you turned and headed towards the gates of UA high.

***

Please tell me your thoughts, I love feedback! And maybe if enough people like it ill create a tag list?? Now that we’ve reached the end, do you know who the boyfriend is?

[cainegl]

            welcome  back  angels  ,  tODAY  we’re  gonna  be  truly  shunning  the  psycho  pretty  boy  ,    caine  ,  don’t  show  any  affection  to  him  whatsoever  bc  his  fuckass  doesnt  deserve  it  !  i  probably  won’t  b  around  for  interactions  tonight  but  thats  ok  bc  my  goal  anyways  was  to  get  plots  laid  out  w  everyone  before  i  jumped  into  writing  !  i  love  u  all  genuinely  so  much  and  hopefully  ,  caine’s  satanic  ass  gives  u  a  fun  time  w  hating  him  ,  i  know  i  sure  as  hell  do  :’) 

                            𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒍𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒃𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 !

𝖋𝖚𝖑𝖑  𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊  :   caine  giovanni  bratton 𝖓𝖎𝖈𝖐𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊𝖘   :   he  mostly  gets  called  by  his  surname  considering  ‘ caine ’  is  rather  un-riffable 𝖇𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖍𝖉𝖆𝖙𝖊  /  𝖆𝖌𝖊   :    october 29 , 1996 𝖟𝖔𝖉𝖎𝖆𝖈   :   scorpio 𝖌𝖊𝖓𝖉𝖊𝖗 𝖎𝖉𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖙𝖞  /  𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖓𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖘   :   cismale  identifying  with  he  /  him  /  his 𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓   :   closeted  bisexual  and  biromantic 𝖔𝖈𝖈𝖚𝖕𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓  :   former  leftfielder  for  the  boston  red  sox  ,  now  a  fashion  model  and  ceo  /  chairhead  of  his  own  fashion  brand  supreme 𝖍𝖔𝖌𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖘 𝖍𝖔𝖚𝖘𝖊  :   slytherin  𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖕𝖗𝖊𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖇𝖞  :          billy hargrove from stranger things , roman godfrey from hemlock grove ,  kanye west ,  cook from skins , tony  stark   &  erik killmonger from the mcu  ,   patrick bateman from american psycho 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖙𝖘  :            —     machiavellian  ,  brutal  ,   crass   ,  narcisistic  ,   manipulative           +     opportunistic  ,  intuitive  ,  thrives under pressure ,  straightforward  

𝖉 𝖎 𝖘 𝖘 𝖊 𝖗 𝖙 𝖆 𝖙 𝖎 𝖔 𝖓 

        *   born  to  a  hamptons  housewife  and  the  ceo  of  a  major  sports  marketing  firm  ,  the  dark  haired  devil  had  a  rather  unremarkable  upbringing  .  entitled  as  expected  ,  manipulative  and  cunning  ,  caine  knew  what  people  wanted  to  hear  and  was  sure  to  tell  them  in  his  honeyed  lilt  if  it  were  in  his  favor  for  later  exploitation  .  average  in  school  and  below  average  in  looks  for  most  of  his  life  ,  there  was  a  definite  cruelty  doled  out  to  him  throughout  his  experience  in  the  most  prestigious  private  schools  daddy’s  money  could  afford  (  not  that  his  less  than  welcoming  personality  made  things  any  easier  on  himself  .  )  it  was  his  transition  into  sports  ,  particularly  baseball  ,  that  pulled  him  into  the  direction  of  finally  accomplishing  something  other  than  winning  asshole  of  the  year  defacements  under  his  yearbook  picture  .  with  that  ,  caine  found  that  his  hostility  didn’t  have  to  be  negated  ,  but  rather  selective  —  if  the  male  could  pick  and  choose  his  battles  ,  he’d  find  himself  much  further  along  in  his  desires  than  through  brute  force  alone  .

      and  so  ,  with  precision  focus  and  the  bratton  determination  that  becomes  indicative  of  his  brand  ,  he  rebuilds  .  high  school  finds  their  star  fieldsman  as  a  freshman  with  a  newly  regained  understanding  of  how  to  schmooze  people  ,    dripping  magnetism  through  well  timed  smiles  or  pretentious  humble  brags  .  as  if  taken  over  by  a  well-trained  debutante  overnight  ,  caine  found  himself  with  a  newfound  power  over  those  around  him  and  a  faked  charm  that  propelled  him  to  new  hights  ,  and  with  a  level  of  athletic  talent  to  his  name  that  nobody  could  doubt  ,  he  was  easily  gaining  ground  and  recognition  throughout  his  hometown  of  manhattan  .  with  puberty  catapulting  him  through  his  senior  year  ,  caine  bratton’s  photo-ready  grin  and  laser  focus  on  his  goals  at  hand  made  him  something  of  a  pseudo-celebrity  ,  the  first  taste  of  recognition  that  he  quickly  becomes  addicted  to  .  colleges  fight  tooth  and  nail  to  offer  manhattan’s  pretty  boy  slugger  an  offer  he  cant  refuse  ,  eventually  sending  caine  off  to  duke  university  to  become  one  of  the  top  ranked  college  baseball  players  in  the  nation  .  practically  feeding  off  the  chaos  of  his  newfound  lifestyle  ,  he  thrives  at  the  party  school  and  cements  his  name  into  nearly  every  east  coast  household  —  building  a  following  of  both  sports  fans  and  general  thirst  follows  alike  .  

      obsessed  with  his  father’s  opinion  ,  caine  heeds  his  word  with  furthering  his  brand  and  takes  on  carefully  selected  sponsors  ,  always  ensuring  they’re  for  modeling  gigs  that  won’t  jeopardize  his  student  athlete  contract  .  he  graduates  early  (  thanks  to  a  particularly  notable  set  of  “  tutors  “  his  dad  hired  )  with  a  business  degree  and  as  first  pick  for  the  MLB  draft  that  following  june  .  after  a  stellar  year  pushing  the  minnesota  twins  out  of  the  bottom  of  their  league  rankings  ,  caine  gets  signed  to  the  boston  red  sox  with  one  of  the  most  expensive  fieldsman  contracts  in  history  .  modeling  gigs  and  sponsorships  flood  the  20  year  old  with  a  force  even  he  couldn’t  have  expected  ,  fueling  the  narcissism  years  in  the  making  .  he’s  well  liked  by  the  media—    a  man’s  man  ,  charming  ,  arrogant  but  within  reason  ,  knowing  the  exact  line  to  drop  for  the  exact  reaction  he  wants  .  caine  spends  the  next  two  seasons  with  the  world  exactly  where  he  wants  them  ,  manipulating  his  way  into  and  our  of  every  situation  his  heart  could  desire  .

      one  thing  he  can’t  control  is  a  devastating  complete  tear  of  his  rotator  cuff  during  a  particularly  high  pressure  world  series  game  ,  one  that  completely  shatters  his  chances  of  finishing  the  season  and  just  about  decimates  the  rest  of  his  career  .  the  surgeries  are  GRUELING  and  the  rehabilitation  is  even  worse  ,  leaving  caine  with  far  too  much  free  time  on  his  hands  and  increasingly  nasty  cracks  his  perfect  pretty  boy  facade  .  a  bittersweet  highlight  of  the  year  ,  conflicting  for  a  multitude  of  reasons  ,  is  the  revelation  from  an  on-and-off  fling  of  his  that  caine  is  to  become  a  father  ,  sending  much  of  the  world  (  including  himself  )  into  a  shock  .  expectant  on  the  arrival  of  his  daughter  ,  left  without  a  clear  career  trajectory  ,  caine  finds  himself  spiraling  into  what  becomes  his  black  hole  ,  ultimately  culminating  in  him  beating  the  shit  out  of  some  random  drunk  guy  on  the  street  trying  to  get  a  rise  out  of  him  and  landing  him  with  a  civil  case  .  while  the  charges  were  ultimately  dropped  ,  the  former  golden  boy  was  undoubtedly  in  shreds  ,  attracting  all  the  wrong  attention  ,  chasing  destruction  wherever  it  offered  itself  —  and  thus  ,  piquing  the  interest  of  one  papa  legba  .

      caine’s  predisposition  for  destruction  and  chaos  ,  satanic  in  the  closest  sense  of  the  word  with  a  perfect  photo-op  smile  ,  made  him  a  champion  for  the  causes  papa  legba  piloted  .  the  demon  king  found  itself  with  a  harbinger  of  sorts  ,  a  machiavelli-reincarnate  who  was  beginning  to  attract  the  worst  of  the  celebrity  sphere  into  his  circle  .  it  wasn’t  difficult  to  recruit  caine  into  his  unsavory  doings  ,  repairing  his  shoulder  with  a  ‘  groundbreaking  new  muscle  regeneration  therapy  ,  ‘  but  rather  than  allow  him  to  rest  on  his  laurels  in  the  mlb  ,  he  offers  caine  a  proposition  .  ‘  why  set  your  sights  on  the  horizon  ,  when  the  whole  damn  world  could  be  yours  ?  ‘  and  with  that  ,  his  new  cherub  kaia  toted  in  the  crook  of  his  former  bad  arm  ,  supreme  drops  after  months  of  hype  and  launches  caine  bratton  from  baseball  tragedy  to  fashion  empire  mogul  .  ever  leaning  into  his  newfound  infamy  due  to  his  increasingly  volatile  outbursts  ,  his  brand  is  building  speed  at  unfathomable  rates  ,  with  his  brain  at  the  helm  and  papa  legba’s  influence  behind  it  ,  and  caine  is  relishing  in  the  new  world  he’s  creating  for  himself  —  regardless  of  the  price  .

𝖉 𝖎 𝖘 𝖘 𝖊 𝖈 𝖙 𝖎 𝖔 𝖓  

           icb  u  made  it  this  far  and  if  u  did  so  without  skimming  ?  u  a  real  one  😩✊🏽  sksksk  so  real  TALK  ,  caine  is  the  literal  worst  so  pls  dont  hesitate  to  make  him  the  villain  in  any  plot  u  so  desire  .  he’s  intelligent  but  not  to  an  excess  ,  but  is  incredibly  business  savvy  ,  knowing  an  opportunity  when  he  sees  one  and  fucking  POUNCING  on  it  .  this  plays  off  his  INCREDIBLE  fucking  manipulation  skills  ,  the  man  will  see  an  in  and  exploit  it  to  no  end  in  a  way  thats  ?  equal  parts  terrifying  and  lowkey  impressive  ?  side  note  he  takes  everything  seriously  ,  esp  himself  and  his  daughter  ,  and  isn’t  abt  to  let  any  idiot  drive  his  empire  into  the  ground  .  the  man  is  genuinely  convinced  he  can  take  over  the  world  at  this  point  ,  w  papa  legba  fueling  his  lil  psycho  ass  ,  and  is  gonna  probably  stop  at  nothing  until  he’s  reached  his  peak  .  he’s  destructive  and  has  absolutely  caused  a  fourth  his  staff  to  quit  with  his  office  meltdowns  where  he  goes  the  FUCK  off  but  ppl  can’t  say  he  doesn’t  have  an  incredible  vision  and  a  cutthroat  determination  to  accomplish  it  .  he’s  in  that  weird  sweet  spot  where  he’s  obnoxious  and  arrogant  as  shit  bc  he  knows  he’s  a  big  ole  successful  pretty  boy  that  ppl  want  to  please  but  he  also  has  that  classic  ‘  i  grew  up  rich  ‘  disposition  that  means  he  knows  when  to  fake  it  ?  (  on  that  note  ,  he’d  make  a  PHENOMENAL  fake  bf  👀  for  the  clout  )    also  an  awful  boyfriend  ,  has  prob  cheated  on  every  person  he’s  ever  dated  and  def  cheated  on  his  baby  mama  but  makes  it  a  point  to  be  an  incredible  dad  to  his  kid  bc  she’s  the  only  tie  to  his  humanity  /  soft  side  he  really  lets  influence  him  .  his  defining  features  are  his  absolute  narcissism  and  volatile  desire  to  be  the  absolute  best  at  what  he  does  ,  as  well  as  a  laser  focus  that  doubles  as  one  of  his  greatest  points  of  admiration  .   he’s  ABSOLUTELY  a  tool  but  to  his  credit  he  can  be  deeply  intimidating  ,  i  imagine  he’s  one  of  those  guys  with  just  incredibly  strong  eye  contact  to  the  point  it  freaks  ppl  out  and  that  reaction  always  makes  him  LAUGH  .

      hc’s :  ultimate  peak  caine  look  is  a  supreme  t  shirt  under  a  black  leather  jacket  n  some  saint  laurent  chelsea  boots  PHEW  ,  he  wears  sunglasses  inside  w  out  hesitating  ,  thinks  kaia  is  a  ~superbaby~  and  is  NOT  afraid  to  tell  u  how  much  fucking  smarter  she  is  than  ‘  normal  babies  ,  ‘  he  has  a  sponsorship  w  a  fucking  bougie  expensive  ass  teeth  whitening  brand  and  they’ve  insured  his  smile  for  an  UNREASONABLE  sum  of  money  ,  a  big  mood  for  him  w  how  busy  he  is  would  b  a  hurried  hookup  in  the  back  seat  of  his  limo  with  led  zeppelin  blasting  over  the  speakers  , his  office  has  one  of  those  balcony  golf  sets  except  its  full  golf  and  not  mini  putt  so  his  ass  will  get  PISSED  and  just  .  shoot  fucking  golf  balls  off  the  side  of  the  building  not  caring  who’s  car  they  dent  two  blocks  away  SKSKKSKS

𝖉 𝖊 𝖘 𝖎 𝖗 𝖊 𝖘

UM  quick  plots  ,  basically  im  heavily  searching  for  the  mother  to  his  child ,  kaia  who  would  be  about  a  year  and  a  half  rn  ,  i  wanted  them  to  have  an  incredibly  tumultuous  back  and  forth  relationship  bc  lbr  caine  is  not  a  great  person  but  he  is  a  spectacular  dad  so  it’s  a  catch-22  for  anyone  involved  skskkss

also  looking  for  his  “  in  my  head  “  by  ari  type  ex  ?  i  did  not  name  this  mans  CAINE  for  nothing  cmon  now  kids

i  would  fucking  LOVE  more  than  anything  to  have  ppl  who  work  with  him  in  any  extent  ?  it  could  be  models  who  rep  the  brand  and  he  flirts  incessantly  with  ,  it  could  be  influencers  who  have  a  partnership  w  him  and  see  his  business  side  ,  it  could  be  people  w  ambition  who  work  for  his  company  and  see  his  NASTY  side  but  pls  ,  supreme  inc  is  open  to  any  and  everything  .  

chaos  squad  ,  hookups  ,  party  friends  ,  athletic  rivals  ,  ride  or  dies  ,  ppl  who  SOMEHOW  tolerate  him  ,  ppl  who  proudly  do  not  tolerate  him  at  all  ,  maybe  even  the  dude  he  punched  in  the  street  that  one  time  ?  also  cousins  ,  childhood  friends  ,  on  and  offs  ,  HELLA  exes  ,  ppl  he  torments  ,  close  as  siblings  relationships  ,  maybe  someone  he’s  kinda  soft  for  but  will  never  admit  ?  

[alwaysxyou]

Hi Maggie, do you think you could possibly have any advice about how to be positive when a person graduated uni, really needs a job but just did pretty bad at their job interview? Like, logically i know that it's not the end of the world and that i just have to keep applying, but at the same time i've been feeling like a failure for a few months now because i'm 25, live with my parents and still need their money to survive, and this just made me scared that i'll never find a job

hi honey! okay first of all, youre not a failure in any means. i think a huge myth that comes out of uni is that you need to move out and figure out your life right away after you graduate, and that’s not the case. maybe it was in the 50s, but it isnt how it works for everyone anymore. some people can afford to do that, but some people cant. thats okay. and some people just dont find what they want to do right away and it might take a second. 

as far as the job hunting bit,,,whew ive been there. finding a job is a fucking AWFUL process and is so soul sucking. and sometimes youre gonna have bad job interviews (trust me, ive had my fair share). you wont always mesh with the interviewer or they’ll ask questions youre not ready for and it sucks. but it happens to us all. something that helped me is just like. you are not the worst person theyve seen. you dont even KNOW the kinds of resumes they get and see - so you obviously impressed them enough to get called in for an interview. and you never know, the interview isn’t the only thing they base jobs off of. but if you really think you did bad, id take a step back, look at what went wrong, and figure out how to fix it for your next one. just think about it as practice, you can see how you can be better prepared next time. that also helped me feel like i was actively doing something, rather than just sitting around upset that i fucked up, you know? 

but i’d also not be afraid to take a break. i know when i was out of a job there were days that i was just like “i need to apply 24/7 and if i dont im a failure” and that mentality is so draining so fast. you need to take time to just, be a person and not just someone looking for a job. and if youre upset about not getting a job you can be upset! i interviewed for my dream job at my dream company a couple years ago, and i didnt get it. and fuck im still kinda upset about it if we’re being honest! and i def had more than one big cry over it. and you gotta let yourself do that. because now i know it really IS what i want to do and where i want to go, and i can work to acquire the skills to make it so i can do it one day. 

work hard, but be nice to yourself at the same time. you’ll get there - you’ve got the background and you’re getting interviews and talking to people and every time you do, even if you dont get it, youre improving. youre someones DREAM candidate - that job just hasnt popped up yet!! it’ll happen. put in the work and give it time, and youll get there soon.

[kae-karo]

[1] hi!! so idk if you've seen dan speaking at the mental health panel or not, but there was one part that hit me really hard and id love to know your thoughts on it! basically he was saying that often content creators, and people in general, are struggling with their mental health the most when it seems like they're thriving (uploading constantly, getting good grades, etc) but everyone thinks they're fine. which is literally my life rn but i can't take a break from overworking myself bc i need

[2] to get into college. do you have any advice abt how to provide for my future while still taking care of myself? also, i just want to thank you for running such a healthy and positive blog bc it has helped me thru some difficult times, and you seem like such a thoughtful and caring person!

hi dear! oh no :( I'm so sorry, that's such a hard position to be in - I havent been in school for a few years, and not in high school since 2012 yikes lmao, so I'm sure things have changed a bit but hopefully I can still give some advice that helps?

I'd say first and foremost, talk to a trusted adult you know in person about how you're feeling - whether that be a parent, older sibling, favorite teacher, advisor, etc. they may have advice more specific to your situation that might take into account details I dont know. and while this is my first piece of advice, it can also be the hardest? sometimes facing our demons and being honest about them with others who have only seen our "good side" can feel impossible, but it can be a crucial step to help build a support system that you can go to when you feel you're struggling

the next thing I'd say is, on a small scale, start taking time for yourself. I know that's like. the hardest thing to do when you have like 6hr of homework a night, minimum, plus clubs or sports or other activities that take time, but literally even sneaking five minutes between some bits of homework to do something that's calming and centering for you can make a difference - if you can grab five minutes to go sit in a space you feel comfortable, away from your work, to breathe and think about something other than your work, that can be helpful

the next one is sorta like. tangential, but take care of your body as well - you're still a growing and developing human, so this is ESPECIALLY important, but drinking lots of water (and not too many sugary drinks/chemical drinks) and eating veggies and getting enough protein can literally make such a big difference in your brains ability to function at it's best. the other important thing here is sleep - every body is different, so keep in mind what your body does best on and (when you can) aim for that. between hydration, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep, you're laying a foundation that can help your brain be more successful throughout the day

I wish, ultimately, i had a perfect answer for the fucked up school system (esp in America which is what I'm most familiar with), but it honestly sets you up to fail. what (unintentionally) worked well for me was having a blow-off class or two - classes that were easy for me (like sign language, or French 1 after I'd already taken Spanish for several years) and could help boost my GPA without stressing me out as much. if you can find those classes- and definitely look for the ones that are easy for YOU, don't just ask around for the easiest classes - that can be a really nice break in your day and help relieve you of some after-school stress

here's another "honesty is the best policy" situation - if you find yourself struggling to understand a concept, or homework is taking you so much longer than some of your peers (or the teacher says theres only an hour of hw a night and you end up spending far longer on it) talk to the teacher! tell them you're struggling, and ask if you can get some help understanding a topic. be specific about what you dont understand (dont just go "I dont get it") and explain your thought process - this can help teachers understand where you're veering off the path and what you might be missing. and, more importantly, if you're coming in for help, they're more likely to be lenient with you because they know you're trying (yes I'm aware that was more a "school help in general" bit of advice but in case that's something you're struggling with)

now heres....maybe some controversial advice. take calculated risks. example: if a teacher has a policy where they drop your lowest homework grade in a class and you're doing alright in that class, but you have a day where you're saddled with WAY too much work for another class where you're struggling, it's okay to say "okay, today I need to go to sleep by 10pm, I can either finish this difficult homework or complete homework for the class that will drop a grade", sometimes it makes more sense to skip that one homework and get a zero to spend time dedicated to the class you're struggling in and get rest. in a similar vein, there is also a limit to studying - there is a point where you physically cannot absorb more knowledge. it is so much better for your brain - both from a focus and memory standpoint - to get a little extra sleep than to stay up late studying well past the point where you will retain knowledge.

now....again, I havent been applying to colleges in ages so my advice might be a bit stale, but colleges tend to look for good grades but also challenging classes, or improvement over time in classes, etc etc. they want to know you're working hard, and that you have diverse interests. college apps are a bit like resumes honestly, except you cant lie about your GPA. but like. you can fluff everything else. literally EVERYTHING becomes fair game with college apps. you can talk about fanfic or a fandom you're in if you phrase it the right way, like there are barely rules lmao. and you can make yourself sound very appealing

so my advice would be basically this: work hard, but learn your personal limits. figure out how much sleep a night makes you feel awake and focused the next day (again, it varies!) and aim for that as much as you can. try to eat nutritiously when you can, and drink lots of water. dedicate time to your homework and studying, but be sure to take regular breaks and ACTUALLY shift your brain away from your work during those breaks. and it's also good to dedicate time to life activities - like I said, colleges want to know you're a diverse person. spend time in clubs you like or playing sports if that's your thing, or do things unconnected to school. and remember, you can fluff that all up on a college app! but also remember - you have to live with you for the rest of your life, and there are so so many paths to a good job or a college education if that's what you decide you want, be sure to prioritize your health as much as you can. the education system tricks you into this never ending cycle of "if I just push through ___________ I'll get to ___________!" and taking that through your life can be really challenging and exhausting. I need to acknowledge that some of this is easy for me to say - I was a good test taker in high school, I went to college, and I bullshitted my way through (that's a whole other story lmao) but like. I need to acknowledge that, by some privilege and luck, I do have a college education. so when i say this next thing, please take it with a grain of salt, but there is more to life than chasing what society tells us to chase - there is family, there are friends, relationships, hobbies and interests and love and dreams and spending hours playing video games and SLEEP and getting sunburned cause you spent too long out under the sun photosynthesizing and collecting pens or shiny rocks and ANIMALS there is so so so much in life and I hate with such a burning passion that, for the first 22 years of our lives, we are told the ONLY thing in life is getting through college, getting a degree. again, I need to acknowledge that I say that with a background of privilege, and that education can help people get out of bad situations, etc, but there are many paths to education and they dont all require you to put life on hold to get there

let me tell u a story real quick, cause my education looks (from the outside) "easy" (turns out I had depression and eating disorders of all kinds yeehaw !!!!). my sister did NOT have an easy time in school - my parents could afford it, so she had a tutor for some of her challenging subjects, but she also dealt with anxiety and depression the entire time. she didnt get into the college she wanted to, but got put in a sort of program where, if she got good enough grades in some community college courses, she could get into the school. so she worked her ass off, dove even deeper into her mental health issues, but eventually did get in. and then she had challenging classes and didnt have a great support system, and she ended up failing out of many of her classes, to the point where she got put on academic probation. so she took a year off, got a job at a daycare, and I have literally never seen her happier or more well-adjusted. shes going back to school now, for early childhood education, and working part time at the daycare while she takes a light course load at school

another story for you - my aunt graduated high school and went straight into the workforce. she came from a dirt-poor family and couldn't afford it. she bounced around a bit, but eventually found company that she worked well with. they paid for her to go to school, and she finally got a degree many years after what we would consider "traditional". she had a few other jobs, but shes been at her current company now going on 20 years, has been through several promotions, and works directly with a c-suite employee. she is also the only woman in her office, a very traditional trucking company where she works with engineers on a daily basis

there are many paths to education, if that's where you want to go, and it's okay if it ends up looking different from the traditional path were told to follow. do what you can to avoid sacrificing your mental health for an education - if its what you want, you will get there. and remember to ask for help along the way!! I hope that helps a little, dear

[ddonggeun]

Hey! So I’m suspecting if I got adhd/add but is there any symptom idk. It’s really exp here to get it diagnosed

sorry it took me a while to get back to you because honestly i dont know whats a good alternative for you can be so i guess i can share my own experience? 

first of all i think googling symptoms and types of adhd and reading peoples account on how adhd/add manifest is a good start? my doctor and the reddit /r/adhd REALLY help me to accept myself (which is the first step i think) but the way i get diagnosis (i am adhd with predominately inattentiveness - but at the same time i have depressions and dyslexia which is like a killer combo 10/10 would never rec) is that i came across with an article a couple months about how girls with adhd are more likely to be (mis)diagnosed with depression and it basically fucks up multiple generations because they cant get the help they need and i was like wait whats describe in it sounds kind of like me but at the same time i have always been very lethargic and rather well behaved in class growing up i am nothing like what you would typically associate with adhd (you know the hyper-activeness) so during my next visit to the doctor (im getting treatment for my depression) i mention to the article to her and she said wait you know what describe how you feel in a classroom setting growing up and is there anything you do that teachers complain about repeatedly and tell me how studying and doing homework is like to you and so i did (i can go further into details of my life since a lot contributes to why i only get diagnosis when im 21… let me know if you would like to know i guess?)

my doctor (who just so happens to be an adhd specialist and is quite active in the research area i didnt know before then we stan forever i love her really she is so encouraging and so good at her job) took some notes as i was talking and after im done she said you know what i think you might be onto something but i cant be sure yet (since i have depression and dyslexia which both overlaps quite a lot with adhd/add) why dont i first explain to you what adhd is and i’ll give you the set of official diagnosis questions you dont have to do it just take a look at it first do some research organize your thought talk to your parents about it and if you think getting a test on it is something you want we can set up another appointment and we can go from there - which is really really nice because adhd has always been a taboo at least with my upbringing it makes you a loser socially academically and you know just in general its not something you will want to have…. 

in hind sight there are SO MANY SIGNS even in early childhood how come no one notice i dont know prolly because i grew up in the 00s if you are different you need to kys lmao rip: 

trouble paying attention in school or work,

the appearance of not listening - although im an audio learner funny enough

avoidance of activities that require sustained focus,

being easily distracted 

restlessness

fidgeting and cant sit properly - i shake my legs or click my pen so much especially when im thinking or anxious lmao, i got into trouble a lot when i was younger because i only sit in my seat facnig the teacher 5 mins max at at ime then i move around or i move the chair around i think better when i cross my legs but i went to a uniform school and i always make my skirt too short so you know

interrupting - if i dont say what comes to mind when it comes to mind, the thought is gone forever

frequent talking and talking way too fast - i get the exact same comment every single report day class from when i was 4 till i graduated high school im not even kidding “she has excellent comprehension skill and reading speed. it would be great if parents can help her out a bit in maths or chemistry.  she has a lot of potential if she applies herself, she seems distracted although when we ask her questions she can answer. very helpful and bubbly and yet she talks too much in class. she is not disruptive and her seatmate never complains but she just doesnt stop talking. we have been pairing her up with quiet students in class in the hopes that she will talk less in class but she just turn the quiet student talkative”

trying to do multiple things at once - i cant do one thing at a time, even when im say writing a paper i need to be listening to music or talking to someone if not switching between tabs or word files

mood swings

hyperfocus - oh boy oh boy oh boy

impulsiveness - i dont know if i get better as i age or is it getting worse i just know how to clean up my mess lmaooooo

poor time management - although i would say ever since i start listening to stuff 24/7 it really helps build a sense of the passage of time or whatever? its like now i know ok by the time i get to the third song in the shower i need to be washing out my conditioner; or say i need to go somewhere in 40 mins which is really abstract to me i set timers and put on a show thats 35ish mins even tho im not watching it just so im aware of time is actually happening if it makes sense

fail to follow through - i start things and once i have it figure out in my head i struggle to put it down in words or explain it to others i work well with other adhd peps tho

doesnt follow instruction and only do stuff their way

burnout - this is the worst especially if you are a perfectionist or a control freak and guess who is both 

trouble coping with stress - 

i luck out because im canadian and my doctor (in my schools clinic) just so happens to be a specialist who is very passionate about helping undergrads and grad school students to achieve as much as they can - so doctor and diagnosis for me is free. i do have to pay for my medications out of my pocket for a bit since im on vyvanse (to treat both my adhd and depression-lead anxiety its complicated but it makes sense when my doctor explained it to me lol) and this drug isnt covered by Pharmacare (CAD $130ish for 3 weeks worth of 30mg, im mostly on 30mg but on days when i dont have work on stuff or go to school i take 20mg just so my anxiety dont cause me to explode lmao) and very expensive but recently my doctor and i have agreed that vyvanse really work for me and it is something that i should be on daily for the foreseeable future we applied for special authorization which means i only gotta pay the tax… of course medicating isnt a must but it is what works for me and we figure out a way to make it affordable so i cant be more happy about that

at the same time i work with my psychiatrist to you know configure the whole adhd thing cause you know 21 years of repressing and forcing your feet into a shoes that not even your size frick you up thats something people dont tell you 🤷🏻‍♀️

what my doctor said to me then stuck with me - she told me adhd or add really is no monster or flaw in fact it is a very valuable set of traits we inherit from our ancestor - we hate it now because modern society render these skills useless well you see adhd isnt all about the hyperactiveness you see in the media people with adhd are extra sensitive to their surrounding and prefer hands on experiences (today we call them distracted) they are always aware of the change around them and is capable to attend to a couple things at a time and act fast because their brains are always making sense of things even when they arent consciously doing it. in todays society we dont want these kind of people why? because they ask questions they are curious people who notice trivial stuff that dont contribute to productivity they cant sit still which makes them not the ideal factor workers or pupils BUT! you have to remember that industrialization started like a century ish ago before that our ancestors live in predominately tribal society - adhd people then are the perfect caretakers and protectors, why? because they are always noticing things they adapt and react fast… so yeah it kinda suck for us growing up in a system thats designed to be everything we are and it is something that need to be changed but for those of us who “made it out alive” especially people who only get diagnosed in adulthood more often than not they look back and realize they have developed so many incredible ways to cope to make things work - are they always the perfect way? are they always health? no definitely no but at the same time it shows you how incredible these people are they make things work yes things are really hard sometimes but you got to give yourself a pet in the shoulder for not giving up… with the help of science and research we now know a little more about how adhd affect people we now have medication and programs developed to help people with adhd - they arent to dumb you down or numb you but instead it helps you to focus better so you can actually hear your entire thought and not just phrases or sentence fragments

[mymoonlitwitchcraft]

A little late posting (a month or so?) this since I’ve been wrapped up in my move but wow did this spell work! This was one of my first times working with Hekate and man she is intense. Also I totally learned my lesson about using magic in desperation. Without further ado– how I sold my car!

My boyfriend and i needed to sell our second car to afford the deposit on our new house that we are renting together with some friends. I had posted listings at optimal times, updated pictures, everything I could and all the offers were coming back too low. We needed the money the NEXT WEEK so in desperation I turned to what I know.

☀🍃I was inspired to make a sun tea because its hot as fuck in the Texas summer and I happened to have a flowering tea and some cornflowers laying around. The actual contents of the tea still remain a mystery as I was gifted an unmarked tea bundle. Despite not knowing the herbal makeup, I had never felt inclined to use it until now so I figured the herbs would probably work fine for my intentions. Once the tea was prepped we wrapped it in my boyfriend’s work shirt since he has been working so hard to get us the money to move and he couldn’t be there for this part of the ritual. It also ensured the safety of the glass while we charged the tea in our other car.

🚗 We charged the tea in the car for several reasons. I really loved driving around my hometown because the scenery is amazing and as I was preparing to move. I wanted to go to this amazing one lane bridge river crossing one last time. I also love using the friction of the wheels on the ground as you drive to raise energy. The spot in my windshield allowed for sun to perfectly charge and brew the tea while we could watch its progress and finally since we were doing a spell for a car it seemed fitting. The stones we placed around the shirt corresponded to different intentions we had but they were eventually removed because they were getting too hot. Once we reached the river on our drive, I invoked Hekate and asked for her aid in selling the vehicle. We continued to charge the tea for a while longer until we picked up my boyfriend from work and the tea was brewed. Then we each drank a bit of the tea while focusing on our intentions.

🌙 After nightfall we went to our usual ritual spot which is an undeveloped road in the middle of nowhere with a clear view of the stars and a large power grid that intersects with the road. This crossroads is where I first connected with Hekate and where we preformed most ritual work so we set up our altar there and once again invoke Hekate while offering to her the rest of the tea. This is where I bit off more than I could chew. In my desperation I told Hekate that I would sacrifice anything to have my will be done…..

🌼 TRIGGER WARNING: animal death.

The first sacrifice was a fawn. Living where I did, hitting deer in the road isn’t uncommon. You slow down, you try to avoid them, but sometimes it can’t be avoided. This was one of those times but it also wasn’t. I can’t quite explain the feeling but both my boyfriend and I agreed when we got home that it didn’t feel like a normal event. The feeling in our souls when the neck snapped beneath us was intense and powerful and shook us both into a long silence. The association between fawns, innocence, purity and sacrifice were our first clue.

🌿🌬 The second sacrifice was the longest one because it took us a few days the heed the message. It began shortly after we talked about the fawn. We had gotten home and gone outside to smoke some weed. The weight of death was still hanging on us and my boyfriend was assuring me there was no way I could have avoided the little guy. I mentioned Hekate. I told him of how I said I would sacrifice anything and he agreed that this event felt purposeful. We came to peace with it, we smoked more. Eventually, my cat who was outside with us freaked out and in the middle of the chaos the bong fell, rolled off the deck and hit a rock. It was fine. Nothing was wrong with it. We breathed a sigh of relief at our good fortune. Another bowl later I pushed on it too hard and broke it myself. We now had no piece to smoke out of and were out of weed. All of our money was going toward the move and We had no way to get more. We should have stopped there but for the next few days people kept offering us weed and my car kept not selling. Eventually out luck ran out and almost exactly 48 hours without weed later we had someone interested in the car. We were going to drive it up and meet him and sell it. We were fueling up before the trip on the day of when the third sacrifice hit.

📚 The final sacrifice was a double whammy as the first two effected my boyfriend and I together. This sacrifice was in two parts and both events happened while we were sitting in the two cars side by side at a gas station before leaving to sell the car. On my boyfriend’s end of things, he honestly deserved it. He had been selling in game product from a phone game for real money. Ultimately he was caught and his accounts disbanded. This was, however, one of our main sources of income so we desperately needed the car now. At the same time, i recoeved a call. This move that we needed the car to sell to have the money for was ultimately so i could go back to school at the university i always wished i could have attended from the start. The call was the universoty letting me know that my credits wouldn’t transfer because my dumb old university has very specific course codes which don’t match any other school in the country!! Im half waythrough my junior year!! So i cant go to my dream school and officially have to graduate from my original school if i want any chance at grad school (its more complicated than that but the point remains). My final sacrifice was my dream of getting away from the cursed university that drove me to quit school in the forst place.

🌌🌙 All in all, i sold the car, i moved away, im back at my old college trying to make it work, and im living my best life. I’m much more careful about how i phrase my magical workings and i have a new and scary relationship with Hekate. ⭐🌈

[cauldronoflove]

a/n: this is a prompt fill for tht writing meme i posted but it got. a little longer than it was supposed to so heres a seperate post for it! the chars belong to my darling friend annie @dantesaristotles but she lets me throw them around sometimes and im hella grateful for each opportunity!!!

---

28. "Marry me."

It had started off as a joke, really. Way back when Kyle was trying to renew his FAFSA for sophomore year and realized the difference.

"If I asked you to marry me," he said to Hugo one night, mid financial talk. They were back in Hugo's bedroom at his parents house, pne of the rare weekends they could both afford to come home and spend time together. He was curled around him, had an arm around his waist and his cold nose in the back of his neck. His voice was joking. "Would you say yes?"

"Probably," Hugo replied. Kyle could tell his eyes were shut and his nostrils had flared in that way they did when he thought something was funny, but was too tired to laugh.

"Might need you to if my grant doesn't come through."

"It will," he murmured, already on the fringes of sleep.

☆

The next time it had happened - or rather, the next time of substance - was a few months later. He was all set up in his new dorm room - housing indeed paid for by that very grant that had sparked the whole running joke - and it was Hugo's turn to make the trip from his college to Kyle's, instead of the other way around.

"Hey, babe," he said, spinning away from his desk to look over at Hugo, who was sprawled across his XL Twin bed with his phone held above his face to dutifully stay silent while Kyle wrote the conclusion to his essay.

"You done?"

"Nah, not yet."

"What's up?"

"If I asked you to marry me, would you say yes?"

"Why this time?"

Kyle took the rebuff in stride, having already had a genuine answer. "You know that movie with Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence? The one they always played on ABC Family?"

"Hold on-" Hugo said as he sat up quickly, his curls bouncing around his head. "This is a My Fake Fiancé scenario?"

"Listen," Kyle started back in, his hands coming up in front of him. "It could work. Also, I saw this immersion blender the other day and like-"

With an amused, terribly fond scrunch to his nose, Hugo proclaimed, "You're such a fucking dork."

☆

The third of great substance, because there'd been so many little ones that anyone would lose count, was far less happy than any of the rest.

Existential crises, Kyle had said over text, are one hell of a drug.

Hugo had promptly replied with ??? and it went on from there.

kyle: i just. i dont know this asshole thts probably named fucking thad or something equally as dumb said some dumb shit to me after class today? and i cant get it out of my head

hugo: hey whatever he said, its not true- do you want me to call you?

kyle: i dont know if i can rlly keep it together rn babe

hugo: are you crying?

kyle: like. 10% its no biggie

hugo: honey :(

kyle: if i asked you to marry me would you say yes

hugo: in a heartbeat

It was the closest thing Kyle had ever gotten to yes.

☆

It wasn't the last time, not by far, but it was the end of an era, the beginning of a new one.

They were graduated, post college by six months a piece, living together in a shitty apartment that they loved in the way cat people loved their cats, as in: "this is our apartment, her name is Asshole, she's a holy terror but we love her and you can't tell us shit about her."

Kyle was still in bed because it was Sunday and he didn't have a shift and fuck getting out of bed before noon, y'know?

But Hugo was standing at the dresser in nothing but long plaid PJ pants that obviously belonged to Kyle. He was rifling through his sock drawer, muttering to himself.

Kyle traced the freckles on his back, a lazy smile on his face, leisirely pace to his movements. Hugo was bathed in buttery sunlight, and Kyle loved him.

"Hey," he called, voice still thick and marred with sleep. "Hey, Hugs."

Hugo scoffed the same way he had since they were eighteen at the nickname. "What is it?"

"If I asked you to marry me," he said patiently. "Would you say yes?"

It took Hugo a long minute to turn around, and when he did, his face was one of exasperated anguish. "You had to ask that right now? You couldn't have waited two minutes?"

Kyle's face scrunched up, having never gotten a response like that, he was sufficiently taken aback.

"What? Why?"

"Because," Hugo bemoaned, dropping his knees onto the mattress and shimmying over. "It makes it sound so much less original when I do my thing."

Kyle quirked a brow, until Hugo raised his clenched hand up to reveal a plain little black velvet box.

"If I asked you to marry me," he said, holding the box out between them. "Would you say yes?"

Smartly, Kyle replied, "I'm sorry, what?"

"Marry me," he repeated, popping the lid on the ring box to show a simple silver band that if you inspected closely, had an inscription on the inside.

"Oh. I, yeah, oh." His brain wasn't firing all cylinders, the cogs were gumming up, he'd planned everything so perfectly, and yet Hugo had still beat him to it-

"Kyle?"

Quickly, Kyle fumbled at his pillow, shoving his hand into the pillowcase, and unzipping the zipper on the actual pillow - allergen shield, baby. He rooted around againt the actual pillow before finally extracting his own box.

"Are you seriously trying to steal my proposal right now?"

"Are you complaining?"

There were tears brimming in Hugo's eyes as he said, "No, you dumbass- how long has that been in there?"

"Forever. I knew I could leave it there 'cause you never make the bed," Kyle said with a wet laugh, hand coming up to smudge his own tears.

"Jesus, Kyle."

"I think someone has to say yes or we're just gonna be in stalemate forever."

"I proposed first, you have to say it first. Technically, you didn't even propose, so really-"

"Yeah, of course I'll marry you."

"I'll marry you too."

☆

Kyle had to resist the urge to tug nervously at his cufflinks as he recited his vows.

"I used to ask you, all the time, if I were to ask you to marry me, would you say yes. And it started out as a joke, but I think I realized, even when I was that dumb eighteen year old, I think I realized even then that I meant it. I love you, Hugo, and even if I didn't realize it way back in the beginning, my heart did - it's loved you from the start. So, I stand here before you, in front of our whole family, not just blood, but the one we found along the way too - whether it be Kiera, or Pheebs, Asher - for some reason - or our literal high school English teacher, the man whose class started it all for us - I stand before all of them, and I ask you one last time, in more words than ever before, if you'd like to spend the rest of your life with me, and before you give me you answer, I'll give you mine: I do."

Hugo was pushing tears away with the back of his hand, muttering something about how he'd had to get Kiera to help him with his vows, and yet he'd still blown him out of the water. But he nodded. And he recited his own vows. And on a sunny day, in the crispness of fall, Kyle Bellamy and Hugo Hansen became the Bellamy-Hansens, and they finally gave the simplest answer to the age old question, no hesitation in either of their declarations.

If I asked you to marry me would you say yes?

Yes.

[1-420-666-6969]

I was going to post this on Twitter because someone was talking about killing themselves. But it’s just a hard platform to right lengthy stuff on. So, I'll post it on here. Maybe it'll help someone. Maybe it won't.

Ive tried to kill myself a total of three times and nearly killed myself many more times than that. And it affects how I think about suicide and how I react when other people talk about it. I really don’t want other people to kill themselves. And I fucking suck at talking to people, so I might not even really keep in contact with anyone, but I really don’t want people to end up where I did in life. I want other people to grow. If you ever want to talk to me about it, I’m here. Under the read more, I’ll talk about it more,and honestly, everrything I say will only be surface level, because delving for too much will leave you with a novel and that’s not really what I’m trying to do.

I first started thinking about killing myself when I was 7. That probably sounds crazy, but my mother was severely abusive and I understood the concept of life and death better than any 7 year old should have. I can talk about how bad it was for me between 6 and 7, but I did on this blog. If you check the #surviving tag, you'll see my hazy memory chronicling it. In short, when I was 7, my bedroom was on the 2nd story. My younger sister asked me why there's a screen on the window. I didn't grasp the concept of a bug screen, but I did at that second think that it was like prison bars and prevented people from killing themselves. Then I considered doing that. That night I couldn't sleep, so I turned on the tv. My mother came in with the belt and kept hitting me for not going to sleep.

I would consider suicide a few more times over the next few years, but I finally tried to when I was 11. I grabbed a knife and stabbed my stomach. I missed every organ. The bleeding stopped after a few hours. I pretended it didn't happen. Nowadays, I lie and say I walked by a knife and it stabbed me.

When I was 13, my abusive mother had died. I never gathered the courage to confront her about my abuse and it fucked with my mental stability. I climbed a ladder, got on the roof and attempted to throw myself off. I didn't break anything, I just rolled. My stepdad came out and asked what was the noise. I lied and said I was getting the basketball off the roof.

I tried to hang myself a few weeks later. I didn't tie the rope well, and I just fell to the floor. I cried that night. The next day, my grandma came to visit and I begged to leave the house. My recovery would finally start.

When I was 15, I tried to bring up the abuse in a family meeting. They took away my ps3 because I was using it a lot. Video games were at that time in my life how I coped with everything. Not having it immediately turned everything and I had to face it. My sister told me that I was lying. It wasn't abuse, it was punishment. And I deserved it. This re instilled my desire to off myself because those words bounced in my head on repeat for years. I never talked about the abuse again. Not until I was 21.

When I was 17, I devised a life plan for myself. You know, every senior had to do that when they're about to graduate after all. My life plan was empty though on paper. In my head, I decided that if nothing ia going on in my life by the time I turn 25, I kill myself.

I didn't quite last that long. After turning 21, I was almost done with college, should get read for university. After all, I took 3 and a half years to finish a 2 year degree. And everything just started to seem bleak. Life just started to halt. The girl I confessed my love to had moved back to Philly. She was dating someone else. I just didn't mention how that made me feel for months. My job was starting to suck, but I realized I needed a full time job, and I wasn't offered it even though I put myself on a list. I finally started uni, and I couldn't keep up in the online class. I has to withdraw and was barred from classes for a year. My life was literally crumbling. To top it all off, my car died and I didn't make enough to buy a car. Everything about 2014 fucking sucked for me.

So, February 2015 happens. In a last ditch effort to better myself, I apply to a comic book store for a job. I do the interview. Two weeks pass and I hear nothing back. February 15, I don't know what set me off, but I'm rushing home. Driving on the highway. I'm still frantic. I pull over on the bridge. I'm trying to cool myself off, and I'm just looking down from this overpass. All the cars are flying by and I'm just thinking "I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it. Fuck all of this." And I just didn't do it. The thought of my friends and how supportive they were just kinda kept me there. So I didn't. The next day, I got a call offering me the position at the comic shop. After I got off the phone with the manager, I laughed and cried and was joyous yet sad.

Life moved on for me for a bit. Then I had a re-realization of the abuse I went through, I remembered more of it. I couldn't deal. I tried talking with a therapist about it. Then I got baker acted. Because I told her that earlier that day, I was about to veer off the road and into a divider. The impact would have killed me probably. I spent three days in a psych ward on suicide watch. The antidepressants were bad for me. I got every bad side effect, but I kept taking them because I needed help and I knew it. Eventually I stopped, but that drive to better myself didn't end. I still want to go back and get on antidepressants because I know I need them. But I cant afford doctors and medication right now. But I still want other people to get better. I don't want anyone else to feel like they hit a wall like I had so many fucking times. I still need help, but goddamn it I'm gonna try. And all I can do is encourage other people to get better to. Because that's all I feel I can do. So I'm sorry if I ever just sound like I'm bothering people, because I don't want to bother them. I want to be there because those three times I tried to kill myself, I didn't have anybody. The only thing that prevented me from doing it those two other times was because I finally had people who cared about me. I was finally not alone. And let me tell you, failing to off yourself is the worst fucking feeling and it just drives you further into a hole.

So yeah. I'm sorry if I ever seem like a pest, but I just don't want more people to go through what I did. I'm sorry if anyone reading this was ever on the receiving end of me yakking on. Just stay safe out there. If you ever want to talk to me about that stuff, I'm here. I want to be there.

[mouthdyslexia]

Week 4/life update

So, after having gone a full week only eating crackers or tiny bowls of pasta and drinking Sprite, now that I’m eating again, my weight jumped back up. Understandably so, but I’m the kind of person to get easily discouraged by stuff like that. Also, I’m supposed to measure myself as the first update for the contest I joined, so update in the next couple days on that.

In other news, romantic things could be happening, but I need to be very careful, and very patient. Possibly so patient as to wait another year entirely. More updates will follow in the coming months on this one.

My official promotion to shift manager could happen any day now, and it all depends on this guy from out of state. Pray that this guy sees the same potential in me that the others have.

The extension I took on my class from last semester ends on the 11th. And I have done practically nothing to work towards it and I feel like a terrible student, but honestly, I don’t really know what to say to this. Maybe I could have prioritised things better? But even still, i feel like I did the best I could for the most part and I just went with my gut feeling.

To be entirely honest, things kind of just fell apart. My Big Boss/work Dad left and suddenly everything was my responsibility too. Immediately following that, I got really sick and still have yet to fully recover. On top of being physically ill, my mental health took a turn for the worst and the consideration of simply driving myself into the ravine I pass every day almost became too much. I took on more responsibilities at the dance studio (sort of) and now I’m working on the end-of-year stuff (choreography, costuming, etc) and I’m also subbing in for sick teachers as well as teaching the new teachers how things work here.

It just seems like everything just fell all at once and I had to chose 2 things to catch and I feel like everyone thinks I caught the wrong things. I’m not sure if I did or not, honestly. Because, in the list of priorities, work has to come somewhat first, or the other things won’t be able to happen.

I had to finally sit down with my mother and explain to her why I’m stopping school for the semester. I explained my thinking and thankfully she understood, but she definitely seemed disappointed. And I hate that. I know she thinks that this class(es) will be the best thing to help me move forward, but the flip side of that is that, I have to constantly be in the working world at the same time. I’m not about to give up the studio because it’s far better experience than some online class. I literally can’t stop working because I won’t be able to afford the classes, but then that leaves actually taking the classes in the dust... I just don’t know how to fix that right now.

I know that I need to just take some steps on my own and break away from everyone and be my own person, but damn if it doesn’t hurt like hell. And it’s confusing as hell. And maybe what I’m doing is the best thing.

But then there’s the “actually finishing the current class” thing.

I don’t think I can do it.

And for once, that’s not me bein negative, that’s me being real. I literally can’t do it. And I’m disappointing a lot of people by not fully completing it. Including myself. And it’s my own damn fault. I fell behind for no good reason back in November, and now I’m paying the price.

I have a week and a half to finish 3 modules. And I know my teacher thinks there’s something wrong with me and I HATE it. I don’t like disappointing people, but man. I’m honestly just surprised I haven’t been hospitalised yet.

I’m really trying not to go into the next month without a defeatist attitude, but it’s fucking hard. And I’m so tired. I just don’t think I can do it all this time.

We’ll just pray for me to get through the next 12 days and hold strong. I have to make it through (very late) family Christmas, 3 modules, 45 hours at work this week and only 1 day off, the creation of choreography by Friday night, all with very little sleep, very little motivation, and a crappy car.

Or maybe this is my first of many failures. And its just a life lesson. Maybe this is life beating my perfectionistic side to death and reminding me that I literally CANT be perfect all the time and sometimes I have to fail.

Hurray adulthood..?

I haven’t even made it through my first year post graduation yet.

Sidenote: the whole time I’ve been writing this I’ve been hearing this distant beeping in my ears on occasion and I’ve suddenly realised that it’s the new doorbell at work haunting me.

Send help

[strikxen-writing]

Hey remember when I shipped my D&D characters? Whoops cant help myself, here’s more.

(Is it any good? Maybe not. Did I write this completely indulgently? Perhaps... Will there be more....? I would like there to be, also don’t expect a damn thing to be ‘accurate’ cause fuck that)

Growing up, the pun that is Prili Slightstout’s last name was mostly lost on her; that was until she journeyed to Waterdeep to attend a cleric’s college and nearly each and every taller person in her boarding house pointed out that she was a gnome with a last name that meant short. She, however, always took these little jabs with a smile on her face. She felt that being sweet and kind above all else put that very same energy into the people around her, and all Prili ever wanted was for everyone to be happy and harmonious. 

This is what drew her to Mishikal in the first place--among other things--the loving and beautiful light surrounding her temples and great joy felt by those who are healed from the brink of death. She wanted to spread that joy to everyone else in the world. 

Her years in college did little to dampen her idealistic spirit, though not for lack of trying. When she was in her second year, she was assigned alone to take care of a young child who was in the late stages of consumption. This was intended to be a lesson from a jaded instructor on the futility of saving everyone. Prili, who couldn’t even competently cast a full healing spell yet, was given what the family could afford, a few medicinal herbs and a prayer. She didn’t sleep all night, convinced that through Mishikal’s light even the faintest soul can be brought back. When the boy died, Prili learned that, though Mishikal’s light is incredible and all powerful, the realities of society prevent everyone from receiving Her light. Instead of letting this darken her hope, however, Prili became doubly determined to bring Mishikal’s light to everyone who sought it, regardless of whether they could or could not pay. 

Graduating with her accolades in Religiosity, Medicine, and Devotion, however, left her as good as penniless in the greater city of Waterdeep. She needed a job, and quickly as she was no longer welcome in the college’s boarding houses and needed a room to stay in. 

This is what led Prili to being stuck in the same hospital at the heart of the dock ward, 5 years later. The Siren’s Boon and Balm was owned by Mr. Wenceslas Almas, a tiefling man who very much was jaded by the pains of the world and ran his hospital in a very particular way. If you can’t pay, walk it off. He had even gone as far as to paint it on a sign set right next to the check in desk, right where Prili sat eating her lunch that day.

Lunch was a small cup of rice and a few vegetables with her normal cup of tea. Modest and a little bland, but Prili was okay with that. Every copper saved up was a copper closer to her dream, and by eating boring meals this week, Prili had saved a whole gold piece. She hummed thinking about the jangling coins she had saved in the little jar next to her alter at home. She scooped the last scoop of rice and onion in her mouth when the bell on the front door jangled.

“Hello! Welcome to the Siren’s Boon and Balm, how can I help you today?” she said in her high pitched voice. 

The man who walked into the store had a dirty face with tear stains, though now his face was stern and set. He was a tall man who held his arm underneath a bloody sheet. Prili didn’t need to see anything else; she leapt from behind the counter and held back the curtain leading to the healing rooms.

“Right this way sir! Please, sit down here,” she insisted. 

In the back of her mind, she realized that she hadn’t asked for payment first, again, but she would rather risk the money being taken from her paycheck than to risk this man dying on the streets, and the moment she pulled back the sheet, she was glad of her decision. His arm was crushed just beneath the elbow. The man winced and bit down a scream when the open air touched the wound, and Prili couldn’t blame him.

“Oh my!” she exclaimed, “You poor thing! Don’t you worry… by Mishikal’s light all pains can be lifted.” 

She held her holy symbol, a sapphire infinity sign on a cord around her neck, and began to murmur her incantation. The symbol began to glow a cleansing light, a light which stuck to her hands like jelly before she pressed it gingerly into the ruined arm. 

The man winced at the pain he anticipated, but let out his breath smoothly when the wave of agony didn’t come. He looked up at Prili with watery, thankful eyes.

She smiled and finished the healing spell. When the light dissipated, she could see that he would be okay. The arm was still heavily bruised and probably very tender, but he was no longer at risk of losing his arm. She breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well, thankfully you got here before any infection could take hold!” Prili reassured, “You just need to rest for a few days and your arm will be good as new!”

“Thank you so much…” the man said.

“What’s your name, if I may ask?”

“Terrence, I’m… I’m a sailor. Our ship is in port for a few days, but as we were throwing down the anchor, my arm got caught in the rope and…” he trailed off, the painful memory still fresh.

Prili was glad that the man had been able to make it to her, and she quietly thanked Mishikal for the opportunity to save a man’s life. The happiness was short lived, because she heard the sounds of the back door opening and closing. Mr. Almas was back from his lunch and she had still not charged this man a single copper.

“Well, that’s all in the past, isn’t it? Now… ah… concerning payment.”

This was the worst part and Prili hated it with a passion. She never understood the exorbitant rates that Mr. Almas charged. By the way Terrrence visibly deflated, Prili knew that there would be an issue. The footsteps behind her told her that she was being watched and she took a deep breath.

“The standard fee for healing is 10 gold pieces,” she said.

“I….I can’t pay that much…” he said sheepishly, “All I have to my name is 2 gold and a handful of coppers…” 

She had expected as much, and tried to offer a reassuring smile. “I’ll take one of those gold pieces, that will be enough. Save the rest for food while you’re in town.”

The slamming door behind her told her that taking a tenth of the price was about to land her in hot water, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. Her patient was safe and that made her happy. Terrence let a small tear slip and nodded, placing a gold piece on the table next to him. Prili led him to the door and wished him well.

“Thank you, my lady….” he paused searching for her name.

“Prili,” she said brightly, “Prili Slightstout.”

---

A week had passed since Prili had lost her job. Her boss had kicked her out without even paying her her remaining paycheck. You’ve cost me more than you’ve made me! Now she was living off her paltry savings in search of work. Though her new found freedom had allowed her to wander the streets and offer healing free of charge to those who needed it. 

Prili pressed her forehead to the ground in front of her small statue of Mishikal. Her alter was small, but well loved. Prili attended to it every morning, sweeping up dust, replacing the offering flowers, and meditating over the candles to strengthen her connection with her loving deity. It was a simple routine that kept her grounded. The morning rays of light trickled in through the window, illuminating the eyes of her statue and filling Prili with rejuvenated hope. 

“Thank you for your guidance, my lady of light,” she prayed, “Please help me find more work so that I may administer your light to all I meet.”

Prili glanced over at the small jar she had been forced to dip into. Down to 10 gold pieces after she paid rent, and it would be tax day in a few days so she would need to set aside 2 extra gold for that, leaving her with 8 gold pieces to survive on until she found another source of income. She took a deep breath, all she needed to do was put her faith in Mishikal.  

Prili stood up, gave one last bow, and turned to eat breakfast. Her meals these days were simple, incredibly so. The stalest bread she could find at the baker and the very last egg she had from her trip to the market a week ago. Thankfully, if food ever became truly desperate, Prili knew how to conjure the most basic of rations thanks to Mishikal's good grace. 

After breakfast, Prili strolled out of her small home and began to wander the town. Without a job Prili found herself with so much time on her hands, it made her uneasy. Her job search was running into dead ends. Her search of all the other medical centers in Waterdeep yielded fruitless. It seemed that Mr. Almas had talked to them and warned them of Prili's tendency to give out free healing. None were willing to hire her on. Her search had then led her to the various other shops. Maybe she would be able to get a job selling food or potions or something of the like. Not being able to use the degree she earned was saddening, but it would just be a temporary thing until she could manage to save up enough money to open her own medical center and truly provide people with the help and care they need. These pursuits, too, ended up unsuccessful.

After hours of asking around for employment and a short break to buy a few coppers worth of lunch, Prili was starting to feel really disheartened. She sat on a bench idly chewing her bland loaf of bread when she overheard some chatter. A pair of teens were idling waiting for an unoccupied carriage to roll by.

“Yeah,” said the taller of the two, “You can make 100 gold in a night if you go down the Yawning Portal’s Well. It’s a bottomless pit of treasure and adventure! All you have to do is make sure you’ve got enough money to pay for the return trip back up, but finding 2 gold pieces isn’t that hard when you consider how much you’ll pull from the ancient rooms.”

“Okay… but a lot of people don’t come back. There’s probably a lot of bones down there..” his friend said.

“Bones-shmones”, the taller one said with a shrug, “They just weren’t strong enough. Unlike us.” With this his lips curled into a smirk. 

They continued their back and forth for a little while, discussing things like what they would do with the money, which pretty girls they would date when emerging victorious, and the like. Finally however, their carriage arrived and the boys were whisked away.

Prili thought about the boys’ conversation long after they had left. She didn't feel particularly comfortable with earning money through adventuring. It involved a lot of risking one's life for petty things like "glory" and "thrill". In the several years that Prili had been a healer, she had seen her fair share of what seeking glory and thrill leads to. However, being destitute wasn't a particularly attractive option either. She finished her crust of bread and stood up. Surely it wasn't a bad idea to check out the bar and see if it would be something she could consider.

---

The Yawning Portal was packed tight with all sorts of adventurers. For Prili it reminded her of her college years when adventurers would come in for cheap healing in exchange for being guinea pigs for aspiring clerics. The scent of spilled drinks and skipped bathing clung to the air and scrunched up Prili's nose. She wondered for a moment where the infamous well was, but through the legs of the packed patrons, she saw that it was actually smack dab in the center of the barroom. Prili prickled, her immediate thoughts concerning the dangers of having so many people packed around a bottomless well to the unknown. 

"C'mon! Let me down there!" someone said, "I want to be remembered!"

"Ha!" came a response, "As if you'd ever do anything worth remembering Geralt, back off, you went down a week ago and came back up sniveling!"

That started a heated argument, but opened up a few spaces at the bar. Prili climbed her way up one of the barstools and tiredly placed a copper piece on the bar. 

"Could I please get a light ale?" she asked.

The bartender wordlessly snatched up the copper piece and produced a small tankard of ale. Prili sipped the foam for just a moment before drinking deeply. Truth be told, she was really stressed out and feeling very alone in the world. Even her old boss couldn't stand her. If she could just afford to start her own hospital... 

The ale in her system emboldened her, and Prili sat up straighter in her seat.

"Excuse me!" she called once again to the barkeep, "Who do I inquire with to go down the well?"

The bartender took a few minutes to answer--it was quite busy--but finally he meandered his way over to where Prili was seated.

"That would be me, little lady," he said looking pointedly down at her, "and I don't let just anyone go down neither. Do you have a partner or group you could go down with?"

Prili deflated just a little, but still answered, "W-well no. I don't really have anyone. I-I heard there was just a small fee to come back up?"

"No single adventurers," the barman said with a huff, "I'm sick of people not coming back out. Come back when you've got someone to watch your back down in those catacombs."

Prili sighed and took another swig of her ale. So much for that hope. She would have to find a way to get money elsewhere. She started considering farm labor when she was interrupted by a voice.

"Excuse me, miss?" a gravelly voice said just behind her.

"Hmm?" Prili spun around and found the source of the noise. In front of her stood a very tall, very muscular orcish woman. She wore her hair cropped short and all along one arm were very intricate looking tattoos that seemed to move and shift depending on the angle you viewed it. She was at the same time intimidating as well as beautiful.

"Ah, I heard you were wanting to go down the Yawning Portal... but didn't have anyone to go with," she continued. 

Prili, always a fool and slow to pick up on subtle cues looked a little dejected.

"Yeah... I wasn't aware of the rule when I came in, but what can you do?"

The orc woman shifted around and looked down.

"Me too," she said, "I, ah, was wondering..." she trailed off a bit, trying to muster either courage or the proper phrasing.

It was at this moment that Prili finally realized what was going on, and her eyes lit up.

"Would you want to go down with me?" she asked with a hopeful smile. 

The woman nodded sheepishly, "If you would have me... I can carry my own, I just need someone so that Durnan will let me go down."

So that was his name. Prili glanced over at the barkeep and grinned. She finished off her ale and held a hand up.

"Excuse me! Mr. Durnan, sir!" she called, nearly forgetting her manners. 

"Ah, the small one again, I thought I said-"

"I know! I found a partner!" she said excitedly, gesturing towards her new orc friend. 

"Well, the beefy one from earlier," Durnan remarked, "Alright, fine. I'll go get the paperwork."

After he disappeared into the room behind the bar, Prili glanced over at her new friend.

"Paperwork?"

The woman nodded, "Durnan doesn't want liability should you not come back out. Wives and parents have come here with a vengeance before.."

Prili nodded, it made sense. She had to deal with her fair share of angry loved ones in the heartbreaking moments where someone could not be saved. 

The papers placed in front of them were covered in tiny printed letters, so small in some places Prili couldn't really read. 

"So," she said as she signed her name, "When we're ready to come back up..." 

Durnan nodded, "Put two gold in the bucket at the bottom and give it a yank, I'll take the gold and lower the bucket back down to lift you up."

Prili nodded, absently fingering the gold pieces that she had brought with her in her pockets. Once the papers were signed, Durnan announced their descent into the Yawning Portal and the tavern erupted in cheers. It was all so loud that Prili felt a little disoriented. The crowds parted to let Prili and her partner through. 

The orc woman put a foot in the bucket and held onto the rope, she reached out an arm to offer to Prili. Prili took it and was scooped effortlessly into the woman's arms. She felt her face flush, she hadn't been lifted like this in years, and then it was a result of the teasing in college. 

Durnan gave the two a nod and started lowering the rope into the well. Soon the cacophony of the tavern faded away and gave way to the quiet dripping of the well. Prili looked around, feeling like she had maybe acted too rashly. She glanced over at her partner and something occurred to her.

"I'm sorry..." she said, "I never asked your name... You can call me Prili if you like!"

The woman thought about it for a moment before answering, "Agga. My friends call me Agga."

[lydah]

Just cuz you're "autistic" and "trans" doesn't mean you can ask for free handouts like a lazy cunt. Get a job and stop pretending to be special, snowflake.

get a load of this guy everyone alright i’ve been ignoring comments like this because y’all are vicious and insatiable but it’s 5 in the morning, i’m tired, and my claws are out rn, i currently don’t care about being mature or doing the right thing i’ve got a job, i’ve been working my ass off at many types of jobs since i graduated highschool in 2011, the minute i was out of school i was forced to either pay rent or live on the street. i have an impressive and extensive resume, i’ve not been unemployed for longer than 3 months since then, i’ve only taken 1 vacation, and i’ve called out of work less than 10 days of my life, i’ve never been formally disciplined or fired, i’m the most reliable god damn employee these people will ever get. i’ve worked some pretty miserable ass jobs and have come home from many sore and bleeding, but even the worst jobs i stuck with for st least 6 months to keep my track record going and keep myself as hirable as possible. i grew up with an IEP, i had been in remedial classes since i was in 2nd grade, i do not have the necessary knowledge to start college. i graduated highschool knowing little more than the simplest 5 paragraph sentence structures and pre algebra. if you think college is expensive now, try going to college with the formal education level of a 7th grader i currently work 39 hours a week without getting any full time benefits, over half the money i make every month goes to bills, not including paying for food and medical expenses. i’ve been earning my own way since i was 18, and i’ve been living without any parental help or supervision since i was 14, i’m turning 25 in less than a month. anyone who knows me knows that i do not normally take handouts, i’ve always been the type to work for everything, if anyone wants to give me money i want to feel like i somehow earned it or i turn the offer downi’ve always taken care of myself, i don’t like feeling like a burden on anyone and rarely so much as accept simple favors, and swallowing my pride and making this fundraiser was extremely difficult for me, it wasn’t my idea but the idea of many of my friends who have been watching me suffer for months now holiday season is hitting hard, i’m exhausted and depressed, i’m trying my best to keep up with commissions but i am left with very little time to draw and i don’t make enough per drawing to help me make this move i’ve been avoiding talking too much about what happened between me and my ex fiancé i was with for *7 years* lest this becomes a public callout post and shit gets ugly, but we were together so long and shared so much that this is less of a petty breakup and more of a informal divorce, we lived together for a year in colorado and lived in cali together for almost 3, we split costs on many things and shared a lot, we still have to sort out who gets to keep what, but let me tell you, in order to save money on finding a moving van, i’ll be going back home with almost nothing but my cat, my clothes, and my computer because that’s all i can afford to ship. ill still have other things to figure out once i get there like refurbishing my room and getting a bed, but at this point it’s not like i’m a stranger to sleeping on the floorto only scratch the surface of what’s happening right now, last year she cheated on me and shit got rocky. my trust was shattered, shit started to fall apart, but i stuck around and tried to repair my trust in her and continue our relationship. it didn’t work, and things continued to happen that ruined my trust in her more and more every time i felt like things were getting better. the nail in the coffin was when she wanted to be “poly” and date our room mate basically directly after getting jealous acting passive aggressively toward anyone who so much as complimented how i looked in my servershe is currently dating said room mate and reinforced what she told several people about how she’s “only with me because she doesn’t think anyone else will put up with her” by waiting to secure a relationship with her before breaking up with me i just want to go home i’m swallowing my pride and asking to help because i don’t want to sleep on the floor of a closet for the next 5 months, i don’t want to watch the person who i was with for 7 years replace me so easily and snog on her new lover all the time while i’m still trying to get over our relationship, and i cant afford to move and pay the expensive load of bills on my plate at the same timeso leave me the fuck alone