#i had so many personal problems going on in my family which resulted in me having so much paperwork to do

[schlawa]

It’s a (translated) quote from my favourite bands live banter, where the drummer asked if anyone still needs a guitarist and I just thought the vibe fits them so well

[rebirthgarments]

TW: Chemical w-rfare, Ab-rtion

Urgent Ask to evacuate Nara, a 🍉 disabled woman with MS who also has pancreatic cancer due to chemical w-rfare.

Support by financially contributing to her @FedUp4Palestine vetted funhnd-raizer (that I personally vetted): givebutter.com/NaraMedicalAid

+ resharing/ reposting this post!

I, Sky Cubacub- a Fed up 4 Palestine team member, have been in direct contact with Nara to get to know her and her story more over the past few days. We have become fast friends due to so many overlapping symptoms of our disabilities. Nara’s story caught my eye because I have post-viral ME/CFS which many times is a precursor to MS. I really want my disability community to show up for her to get this campaign funded that is so close to my heart so that she can continue medical treatment.

We have chatted extensively! During our chats, I found out from Nara that she had not previously had health issues until she was exposed in the white phosphorus attack in 2008. The long lasting damage and effects of phosphorus continue to compound and become more and more disabling to this day, even after 16 years.

Here is her story in her own words (edited for clarity):

“Hi I'm Nara,

I'm a cancer and multiple sclerosis patient. I need treatment, examinations, and follow-up on a regular basis, but the hospitals in which I used to follow up were bombed and the other one was turned into military barracks. All I need now is to leave Gaza for treatment, preserve my life, and live with my family in peace.

We're a family of 4, including my 12 and 7 year old children.

I had been diagnosed with a tumor in the pancreas as a result of inhaling phosphorus in a previous war. A couple years after being exposed to phosphorus, I became pregnant, and the fetus was pressing on the tumor, which drew the doctor’s attention to the cancer. My fetus was emergency aborted, and the spleen, 80% of the pancreas, and part of the small intestine were removed. I complained every now and then of a lot of pain as a result of the removal of part of the pancreas. I was having follow up care in the Turkish Friendship Hospital for hematology and tumors. But since the beginning of October, I have not been able to follow up because the hospital has turned into a military barracks.

The remaining part is talking about multiple sclerosis:

In 2018, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I had many complications, such as inflammation of the seventh nerve in the eye, the inability to walk with balance, movement with difficulty, and many symptoms. I was then required to take 12 injections every month and many medications and vitamins. I was following up at the Nasser Medical Complex in Khan Yunis, but unfortunately the hospital was out of service due to the war. So for a long time I have not received any injections. MS is truly difficult and it controls my life completely, and the attacks occur in many and varied ways.”

A note about her breathing apparatus:

Because people in displacement have to wait in long queues and pay to use the bathroom, Nara had started to restrict her water intake because of a UTI she never has been able to heal from. This has created a problem with raised levels of potassium, so doctors have placed her on oxygen for fear of the potassium affecting her heart.

Goals

she needs at least $15,000 to evacuate

2 adults at $5,000 each

2 children at $2,500 each

this price is subject to increase due to the cost of registration for evacuation continuing to go up

The other money will go to the cost of treatment and living costs.

Nara chooses to stay anonymous because she has had to mask her disabilities so much that only her family knows about her MS and Cancer, so we have not linked her instagram, but we are in direct contact with her and can verify that she is who she says she is! Because of this, she cannot promote her own fundraiser, so it is our job to collectively do it for her!

[Image Description: a digital illustration by @k8deciccio of Nara, a Pal-eh-stienian woman wearing a black hijab/outfit with purple highlights. She has a breathing apparatus that is bulbous that goes in her nose. Text Reads: Help Narawith Cancer and MS Treatment, She Must Evacuate with her family of 4. $30k goal givebutter.com/NaraMedicalAid . There is a QR code in the bottom right corner that goes to her support link. The @FedUp4Palestine logo is in the top left corner.]

[kourabiedes]

I'm not here to grind a political or social axe. I'm just here to tell a short story, about a normal person trying to navigate the American medical establishment. Here is some evidence. You may draw your own conclusions.

So I've had a migraine for a month.

That's not hyperbole, mind. It has been a month since this started. A month of the entire side of my head pulsing with pain, worse whenever I look at light which is always because I do digital art and all that.

Now, I've had migraines all my damn life. I know the drill. I have a preventative medicine that keeps me from having more than one a month or so, and I have a "rescue" medicine meant to stop the ones that do start. I have a nice dark room to rest in when it starts, I have blindfolds, I have ice packs -- I know how to handle these, is the point. So, for about the first two weeks, I did just that. I hit this sucker with everything that worked before and did my best to wait it out. Yes, I delayed getting care, because it was a problem I was already familiar with and assumed was normal for me.

Then, a week ago, it stopped responding to my rescue medication. Entirely stopped. Alarmed, I went to the ER. They hit me with a fairly standard migraine cocktail (so they said anyway -- don't ask me what it was because I honestly do not remember). Killed the pain almost right away and they give me some advice about what to do next and sent me home.

It was back in sixteen hours.

ER again. Same cocktail, same result. I'm freaked out now, so I call my PCP and schedule an appointment. She fits me into her schedule because she's alarmed too. She gives me a shot of Toradol and that helps, but she notices my blood pressure is reading a little elevated for me and we decide to try a blood pressure medication. Okay, cool, I'm down, high blood pressure runs in the family and it can definitely give you migraines if untreated. We start this medicine and she prescribes me a new rescue medication, giving me one pill to try while waiting for insurance to okay the prescription. This rescue medicine works, putting me back in control of the pain. Cool, thinks I, I just have to get through a couple weeks while the blood pressure medicine settles in, and if we're right, the migraine will finally let go.

Today, I discover that insurance would only okay ten pills of this medicine, because I have had the other rescue medication refilled recently for... obvious reasons. Ten pills, and if I want more, I have to wait like forty days or something.

Do you know how many of these pills I have to take a day to keep the migraine at bay? Two.

I have five days of relief -- four, now -- before I go right back to the same ER level pain, unless I am exceedingly lucky with this blood pressure medicine.

The ER did no imaging. I'm not sure if they even could. My PCP put in an order for an MRI when I saw her, which was a week ago, and that request has not yet left the insurance company.

A migraine is not just a headache, like you get after overindulging or staying up too late. A migraine alters your mental state. It can come with physical symptoms beyond head pain -- mine likes to manifest itself with dark spots in my vision, for example, which can ruin a day real fast -- and sometimes they even come with nasty mental symptoms.

So... what part of all that upsets you the most? Because, for me, it's knowing I have about four days before I go right back to screaming misery.

Oh, and I have to note, I am considered fairly lucky because the state covers my ass when Medicare won't. Yet here we are all the same.

[handweavers]

of all the questions in the world "why are you trans" or "why are you gay" has to be one of the least interesting ones that exist but it's often the go-to question for conservatives when faced with the existence of lgbt people esp in conservative countries in my personal experience. and i've been trying to figure out why they ask that because it feels like such a stupid question on the surface like what do you mean 'why'??? but it occurred to me that the question really is "why did you choose to be open about this/make it my problem" and many try to answer by saying "i didn't choose i was born this way" which i personally find to be an unfulfilling answer, especially because that isn't really what the person is asking. they ask that question not necessarily because they can't fathom why people have such feelings but because they can't fathom why we would act on them, why we would be open about it, why we would do anything but keep those feelings very tiny and miserable within ourselves.

like i think most people regardless of their politics can understand to some extent the concept of gay attraction or gender euphoria, can recognize some aspect of that in their own experience, and if you come from a conservative country or culture you'll discover many people who have such feelings but have entirely stifled them, stamped them down, disregarded them, and it's clear those feelings still haunt them. people who will say "of course everyone has feelings for people of the same gender you just can't act on them" with a straight face or "everyone has wished they were a different gender but we cant do anything about it so oh well" not realizing how they sound and they're upset with you because you didn't ignore those thoughts or disregard them. they aren't exactly upset with you because you have those feelings, they're upset with you because you aren't ashamed of them, and whether that specific shame is a feeling that they relate to or the shame they're familiar with is of a different kind, if you're from a culture where social shame is so powerful and encompassing, the idea of someone not also being internally or externally crushed by that shame and taking their life into their own hands is upsetting. to see someone do that and not suffer consequences of doing so feels wrong to them.

like we have family members who remained stuck in marriages that made them miserable, in towns and villages that made them miserable, in jobs and lives that make them miserable, even if they had the material means to escape, but did not do so because of shame and some sense of duty, like that misery means something. perhaps those who did not have the material means to escape their misery, but you did, and what results is resentment and blame. and they look at you and it's not even necessarily that you're gay or trans or whatever that they hate you for, but because you escaped that shame, you were miserable and you decided you did not have to be and you did something for yourself, and just that act is often seen as selfish and upsetting within this cultural context.

esp in cultures where this kind of misery is seen as familial duty, so by forgoing such misery and the social expectations placed upon you you are simultaneously shirking your familial responsibility, in a society where familial and communal ties are everything. so when family members ask me "why are you trans" i just answer that i chose happiness and i am content with my choices, and the rest is something for them to work out.

[shayyprasad]

waiting | peter parker

summary: you're trying to be paitent with him, the war with thanos can't possibly have been easy to deal with, much less the trauma. you've given peter all you have, but it's gotten too much.

angst? mentions of past ed, mentions of purging, mentions of sex (like one), cursing a bit, mean petey, panic attck kinda

after the war with thanos, peter had grown distant. and you didn't blame him, you figured that he was giving himself a break, he was taking time to heal. and you understood that, peter was grieving. 

you always tried to be there for him, but he made it hard sometimes. 

never did you hold it against him.

peter had lost his mentor, his teammates, and beyond that- his family. you didn't expect him to move on, it was a lot at once, even more so with the blip. he was still adjusting (you were too, but this was different).

he spent nights on the couch, outside who-knows-where, and sometimes... sometimes he would drink. you took note of the fact he tried not to do it around you. 

but some nights he would come home late, stenched in the strong odor of beer and sweat. peter would be drunk and snappy, and yes, at times it scared you. 

not that you'd ever tell peter that. 

but his "grieving" grew unhealthy, and who were you to let that slide? he wouldn't eat or drink properly, god knows about his hygene, and he wasn't getting enough sleep. so you made him cooperate, which did result in many arguements, but it did work for the most part. but your relationship, you felt, wouldn't ever be the same.

date nights? what were those?

kissing? nope.

sex? no. never. (not that it was a big deal for you, you could care less about that.)

no hand-holding. 

and no cuddles. cuddles. none of those. 

peter snapped at you often. he struggled to contain his temper, and easily grew annoyed. it was like even the smallest remark could lead to something big.

"peter, you have to eat. you didn't have breakfast."

"you didn't either."

"that's different. i haven't been skipping my meals."

"why? you've been throwing up instead?"

he watched as your face twisted into disbelief and pain. but you pushed it away, dead-set on getting peter to eat.

"this isn't healthy, love."

"neither is you getting on the scale a hundred times a day."

you had been checking your weight more frequently again, part of the reason being the fact that you were scared peter didn't love you anymore because you were getting fat. but it wasn't unhealthy. 

you recognized the problem. you told your therapist, stopping it from becoming something bad. 

but peter wouldn't know that. he wouldn't know anything.

"please don't go there," you whispered quietly, "i just want you to be happy, okay? and healthy." that must've been where he felt like the conversation had ended, so he left. you didn't know what to do anymore. so you cried. because that felt like the only thing you could do right.

-

(first person)

"i just don't know what to do-"

"you know you have, like, an actual therapist for this, right?" mj asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"well, yeah, but she doesn't know peter like you do."

she sighed, locking eyes with me, "y/n, peter's being a dick, and i don't know when he'll see that you aren't somebody for him to take his anger out onto. you shouldn't be taken for granted."

"mj, it's not like that. he's just-"

"what? grieving? is that what you've been telling yourself? babes, this isn't even that anymore. it's unhealthy. not just for him, but for you. yeah, he lost people. i did, too. my mom died, y/n, she died. and i wasn't in that hospital with her while she was on her deathbed. why? because of the fucking blip. but i've moved on. everyone has, because where will moping around like an alcohol addict get you?

"know what? i'll answer that for you. nowhere. it'll get you nowhere. i get it, you want to be there for him-"

"no! you don't get it! i love him! i-i need... i need to be there for him," my sentence broke into quiet sobs, and mj pulled my close to her, rubbing my back. 

"i know, i know," she cooed. soon enough, my crying ceased, and i pulled away with red eyes. 

"what do i do, then? just leave him? he doesn't have anyone."

"talk to him. maybe he'll change."

"and if he doesn't?"

mj gave me a look, because i already knew the answer. yes, in a way she was right. it was an unhealthy, toxic relationship. peter was pulling me down, and he was breaking off a piece of my heart every passing day. 

thinking about not being with him, left me with a dull ache, but at the same time, it was a crushing sensation, one that broke me down completely. i couldn't imagine a life without him. 

he was my life. he... is my life? was it too late to be speaking in the present tense? 

maybe mj was right. maybe i needed to talk to him. 

but i was scared. i was really, really scared. what if...? what if it ended horribly? and i never saw him again?

what if i left him, and no one was there for peter... and he'd- he'd die? because he wasn't sleeping right? or eating enough? or staying hydrated? 

what if he needed someone to help patch him up? but no one was there? would he simply bleed out? 

my heart sped faster at the thought, and my breath came out ragged. 

"woah, hey, breathe."

i pushed away any and all thoughts of him, focusing on inhaling and exhaling, trying to get my heartbeat to normal. 

-

(peter's pov)

"peter!" y/n chirped, a grin on her face. i sighed, already feeling a migraine come on. i didn't want to talk. i wanted to sleep, or... i don't know. just not talk. 

"you know that book i've been reading? it's really good, by the way, i think you'd really like it. there's this boy who reminds me of you," she wiggled her eyebrows, "he's like, super scared of spiders. which is ironic."

i tried to tune her out, but her voice was loud. really loud. my head was blaring, and i kind of wanted to puke. 

stop talking. please.

"-coming here! they've got a convention and everything? can you believe it? and, get this, i got us both freaking tickets! we can, like, have a date or something. it's from 2:00-6:00, so we can get food at this fancy new diner that just opened up-"

has y/n always been this annoying? there's no way. if i'd known before, i doubt i would've started this. 

i gritted my teeth, ready to pull all of my hair out. how much would it take for her to fuck off?

"oh my god," i muttered, completely done and exasperated. "do you ever consider carrying around a plant for all the oxygen you waste everyday?"

i watched her smile drop instantly, satisfied. for once, it felt good to hurt someone. i was so goddamn tired of always helping everyone. this was barely a tenth of how i felt. she blinked rapidly, and i went back to the web shooter. 

damn thing just wouldn't-

"can we talk?" i inhaled sharply.

"what, y/n? what? what could you possibly have to say that you haven't already said yet?"

"i-i, um, i-"

"is that all you know how to say?"

"no, i'm sorry. no, wait, no i'm not. you're the one being a dick. which is precisely why i wanted to talk."

"jeez. what do you want me to say?"

"you don't have to say anything. not yet. can you- can you just listen?"

i didn't answer, going back to tinkering. if this would make her feel better, then whatever.

"i just... i feel like we aren't the same. you aren't, at least. and maybe i've changed too, i don't know. i can't really dicate that for myself, that wouldn't be fair," she laughed, and i could practically feel her nervousness. y/n's heartbeat was loud, too, so loud that it felt like it was banging the in the back of my head. i could smell the sweat on her hands, too.

 what did she possibly have to say that was freaking her out like this?

"i love you, peter. i haven't stopped."

"...okay?"

"i'm trying to say that i want things to go back to normal. i don't know if that's even possible, but i know we can try. because i'm willing to make things work, and give you another chance."

i spun around, narrowing my eyes at her. ""i'm sorry, 'another chance'?"

"um... yeah?" y/n said, and i could tell she was getting less confident.

"why the absolute, and i cannot stress this enough, the fuck would i need another chance?"

"do you hear yourself? the way you're speaking to me? how- how did we go from that... to this? my gosh, you used to be the sweetest boy ever. you apologized for things that weren't even your fault, and you said 'thank you' for things you didn't need to say to. what happened to that?"

"spider-man happened. and why are you making me sound like the bad guy? i save lives because i can, out of my free will."

"i miss you," she whispered. "i miss my peter. this isn't- you aren't-"

"aren't what? go on. because i-"

"shut up. shut the fuck up and let me talk. for once in your life, listen," i snapped my mouth shut, waiting, and shocked.

"a memory. a faded picture. a failed potential. because that's all we are now, right? why fight for something i know will go nowhere? why fight for someone who can't fight for me back? you know what i've realized? 

"i've realized there is so much more to the world than this, than you. i realized how much love i could give to the world and how stupid i was for only giving that love to you when you didn't even deserve it.

"this is what i feared the most. this moment right here. the transition between having something and having nothing but regret. and it's happening right now, right in front of my eyes, and there's nothing i can even do about it. 

but, peter, this is for me. this is so i can grow and let go. because now i know that you won't change. if this is the way that it's going to go now, i want no part of it." 

she was crying now, and i scoffed. "what the hell are you even saying? what do you mean?"

"what i mean is, i'm going to stop watering a dead flower, expecting it to grow again. it's over. this is over."

i didn't know what to say, so i gaped at her. what did she mean "over"? y/n wasn't going to just leave, i knew she didn't have that in her. 

"so that's it? because once i get out of that door, what we once had will perish. i'm afraid i'm not ready for that yet. maybe i never will be."

"fine, then. leave. you'll be back anyways," i shrugged, and she sighed, shaking her head. 

so i let her. i let her leave. 

and then i waited for her to come back. 

i waited a long time. 

i still am. 

that's when i realized how she felt. 

she'd been waiting, too. 

the only difference was that we'd switched roles.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i stole my aunt's cats? (TW for animal neglect)

ok, so basically for a few years now it's been kind of an open secret in my family that my aunt's household Strongly Prefers their dog over their two cats. i didn't think much of it since i don't really see them too often (which is on purpose), but that changed when my mom and i house sat for them for a week. During the week i noticed many things that have indicated to me that this house isn't healthy for these cats:

1. the house is fucking disgusting. my aunt had 4 kids who are all out of college, so she has a Large mcmansion to clean by herself (they're conservative christians so my uncle doesn't contribute). so i get that its a struggle, but most of this house is straight up unsanitary. like i dont think those floors have seen anything near a cleaning supply in years. also, the amount of Stuff lying around made it really difficult to get around the house a lot of the time.

2. their dog has significant behavioral issues. it's a small dog (the crusty white breed but brown) but if you're not giving it attention, either you or whatever you're paying attention to is getting attacked. the problem arises when the thing you're giving attention to is one of the cats. despite the dog's size, it's bigger and stronger than both cats. and while the cats are faster, i feel like it's only a matter of time until one of them gets injured. also, i'm aware that the dog's issues are most definetly also a result of mistreatment. afaik, it's had no training other than knowing not to piss in the house, and is basically treated as a perfect creature that can do no wrong. it literally doesn't know how to go for walks because my aunt and uncle just go out into the yard until it does it's business and then take it back inside.

3. these cats have jack shit. they have a litterbox and food bowls on this crusty ass folding table (so the dog doesn't steal their food) and that's it. no toys, no cat furniture, nothing. everything that's bought is bought for the dog. this basically means that the cats get no enrichment, which is just generally bad. one of them is allowed outside, but that's not a better alternative obviously.

also, i'd ask my aunt if i could just take the cats given that she doesn't even like them, but my realtives are the kind of people who get extremely offended by any implication of failure, so that would just start drama and would encourage them to go after the cats after i take them anyway.

my cousins could take them, but they've all been out of college for a while now and are already well off, so if any of them were going to take them, they would have by now. imo, they've lost their chance.

if i do end up doing this, it's not going to be for a while because i have to settle personal matters. not to mention how i'm going to sort through things like taking stolen cats to the vet.

didnt expect this to get this long lmao. sorry 💀

What are these acronyms?

[thefandomdirtymind]

I love your sanji fics so much it’s crazy, I was wondering if you could make an angsty sanji fic!!

A/N IMPORTANT:  Hi anon ! Damn this one have make me doubts myself. Angst wasn't my strong suit but I had this idea about those mistake you made when your young and the result push me to ask myself what I would do in those kind of situation and how much a person can grow from his mistake. I also enjoy write more of Zeff, even adding a little Bonus scene. Thank you for your request !

Shout out again for : @alienstardustwrites !

Oregano and others things

Soundtrack : Mine by Kelly Clarkson

OPLA - Sanji

Warning: Angst, Cheating theme, young mistake, redemption

Sanji / OPLA Masterlist and Coming Soon

* English is not my first language, I tried really hard to correct myself but, I hope you will excuse me if some mistakes are still there.

----

The water was agitated, making your little marchand boat tang a little more than to your liking. Taking a deep breath, watching the floating restaurant in front of you, you know what you have to do. You have to put your feet on that dock, wear the waiter uniform waiting for you, help Zeff with his understaffed problem and come back home. Simple, truly a walk in the park. All that and…avoid Sanji.

You came from a respectable family of fishermen and herborists selling their catch on the local market. Little girl, you were in charge of carrying the ice for the cold table and wrapping the customers' fish. You will always remember the day your parents had started making business with Zeff. The tall man, even sitting at the little table in the back of the stall, was imposing enough to at the same time scare you and make you curious. But, the little blond boy, only a few years older than you, following him like his shadow, intrigues you even more. 

As you grow up, gaining new responsibility in the shop, you soon regularly help your dad doing the delivery to the Barratie, having the chance to pass some time with Sanji. Their pretext being that you would both benefit from having somebody your own age around, even if it’s for a few hours when it was in reality, for them, a moment to share a drink and talk supplies. The young cook would usually profit from this occasion to make you taste his cooking and ask you many questions about your knowledge on fish. 

Adolescent, you had at many occasions,succeeded to sneak out of the not so watching eyes of the adult to respond to some question like only puberty could ask. Partner in crime for many first in your life, it was now hurting you like a knife in the wound to see him, an hour, a minute, a second.

Pushing the side door of the restaurant, many fabulous smells filling your nose, you quickly make your way to the changing room. Place which had welcomed many child games like Hide and Seeks and other less childish things like : what’s hiding under those clothes.    

It wasn't the first time that you were serving tables for the Baratie. Your loyalty was, of course, going to your family,putting them first. But often, in occasional need like this, you had accepted to cover some shift to help. However, it's been a few years since you came back here for more than an exchange of ingredients and money. But, like riding a bike, you could remember the important stuff and Zeff had assured your dad that nothing had changed. You wish you could have liked to say the same. 

Freshly changed, taking a nervous deep breath but confident,  you exited the room, not noticing the tall blond getting out of the kitchen, angrily putting back his suit jacket.

Sanji couldn’t believe it, it was the second time this week that Zeff was rejecting one of his creative plates, sending him to play the waiter. Didn’t the old man see that his mediocre menu was killing him, and making him serve tables was the ultimate insult. He was, after all, the best cook of all this shitty restaurant.     

A vision pushes him, half-way in a move to pick a fresh tray of rolled bread, to stop ruminating his dark cloud to instead freeze in place.  

A little writing pad in hand, you hair styled into a practical but elegant way, your old uniforme clinging to your curve, you were standing in front of a table of happy imbeciles ( ready to all order medium well prime ribs for sure he presume) who’s was devouring you with their eyes. But the worst, for Sanji, was your smile, a generic one but a rare sign he hadn’t had the joy to see for way too long. 

Seeing you like that, moving like a fish in the water around the tables, was bringing back the best and the worst moment of his life all at once,twisting his guts. And he knew exactly who to blame for that. 

Turning on his heels, returning in the busy kitchen, his footstep quick and stiff, he easily spotted his mentor. 

“ Zeff, why the hell is she here ?” Sanji asked, not feeling the need to clarify who ‘she’ could be. The old pirate already knew, of course, only him could have made her come to help as a waiter.

“ We’re under staff, little eggplant, she knows the job. Deal with it.” Zeff replied, his focus on inspection of the plates ready to go. 

“ Really, even after you know our history ? Let me bring back your ex here and tell you the same. Would you deal with it ? “ 

“ Ex and History” The old man crackle” Is that what you call your little pathetic teenage adventure ? Anyway,you’re welcome to try to bring my Ex here, but I encourage you to prepare yourself to freeze your arse off. The bottom of the sea is pretty cold, just like that fucking witch. “ 

“ We don’t need her. We can absolutely run the restaurant like we have always do “ 

“ Sure we can,little eggplant, but we run way better now that she is with us. Anyway for what you did to the poor girl you deserve to feel some guilt. Now stop whining and get out of my kitchen ! “ The chef cut the discussion crossing his arms, his expression dissuading any replies. 

His lips pressed in a thigh line, facing his second defeat of the day against the old man, Sanji makes his way to the double door, before stopping at only a few each of the exit, his breath stuck in his throat. 

Entering the overheated place, ready to ask for the order of your customers, you briefly meet his gaze, momentarily losing your smile, regaining it as you face Zeff. 

“ Four prime ribs…” You begin to say. 

“ Let me guess, medium well ?” Sanji sarcastically said from the doors.

“Medium well for table five “ You still finished trying to ignore his chuckles or the caress of his gaze on you after so long. 

“ Ignore him, little peach. Four prime rib mediums-well for table five !” Zeff advises you, before shouting the order. 

“ I do my best uncle…Chef “ You smile, remembering your kitchen manners.  

“ This table seems like a bunch of idiots, let me serve them for you “ The blond offered, his voice softened. 

“ I can handle them myself, thank you “ You coldly replied,leaving him behind, trying to regain control of your emotions. Even after all those years, your traitorous heart was responding to his presence.  

Making a stop at a few of your tables, seeing on the side Sanji do the same on his own. You gave table five their drink. It was obvious that those four weren't the best sailor sailing on the east blue. It was in fact, almost a miracle that people around them hadn’t complained since they were one of the most noisy tables around. But, you didn’t need his help, you will follow the plan even if the avoid part was now near impossible. 

“ two old fashioned, a whisky net, a beer and a long Island “ You enumerate, placing the drink in front of the right person, putting the last one in the middle. “ You’re order is place in the kitchen I will come back soon to give you your food” 

“ Wait pretty ! “The taller one exclaimed, pushing gently the long island in front of you “ This one's for you “

“ I’m sorry, I can’t accept it or drink on the job.” You declined,plastering a polite smile on your lips. 

“ Oh come on pretty, only a sip, we will not tell ! “ Another with greasy hair laughs. 

“ No thank you, Gentleman, I will come back with your order soon “ You firmly answer suddenly feeling the hand of the tall one grab you arm. 

“ It’s not polite, we had brought you something, you could at least drink a little of it with us.” 

Opening your mouth to put them back at their place, you hear Sanji behind you, his voice cold as ice. 

“ First of all, a gentleman should never force a lady or touch her without consent “ The blond tells, removing finger by finger the hand of the man on your arm. “ Second, the lady say no, drink yourself your poisonous gift and let her work in peace.”

“ Sanji, it’s okay, those gentlemen were about to lower their tone and let me go” You explain embarrassedly, looking around to see many side eyes enjoying the drama. Pirates, as well as most of people,were always fond of dramas.

“ Calm down, we are only trying to know her better “ The third protest, throwing to your Ex a dark gaze. 

“ Trying to know her,while she is stuck at serving you and already told you no.”

“ Sanji…” You tried. 

“ It isn’t a way to treat a lady forcing her to endure your deplorable attempt. Just face it, she’s too good for all of you” Sanji finished.

“ Oh, that’s it, you want her for you lover boy “ The taller laugh” Sorry to say it to you but at the gaze she give you, you seem to have less chance that’s us” 

“ Oh no, not at all. I already have the pleasure to kiss her sweet lips, even if she annoy by me, I could never be lower than you.” The blond smirked. 

“ That’s enough ! Gentlemen, I came back with your plate. Please lower your tone, you disturb the dining room and you,come with me !” You said,taking Sanji's hand, forcing his taller stature than yours to follow you in one of the storage rooms. 

The room, lit by a solitary lightbulb, was one you didn’t come to really often, only once in fact and it was that fatidical day. Surrounded by the many shelfs full of goods, you take three deep breaths before facing the only one you wanted to not face today. 

“This was ridiculous” You abruptly said“ Everything was under control and they didn’t have to know our past history.” 

“ Under control ? “ Sanji laughed,closing his eyes before tilting his head. “ Ma chérie, he gripped your arm. I know you hate that I was right about those idiot but I truly had help you there” 

“ I’m not your chérie, not anymore” You remind him, the old wound reopening slowly.

You could perfectly remember that day. You turned seventeen in two days and, as your birthday was approaching, your dad had promised you that you would be the one doing the delivery alone to the Baratie for now on. Excited about the news, you had sailed to tell Sanji the good news. But, as you had searched the kitchen, the dinner room and even climbed to his room, you couldn’t find him. It’s only when a cook told you he had seen him near the storage that you regain hope. However, as you were approaching the room, you didn’t have the force to go further.

His hands, who had so gently touched you, were locked around another girl's waist, his lips you loved so much pressed against hers. Only his gaze, enlarged in shock, was fixed on you. Tears were rolling on your cheeks without you even noticing that you were crying. The only thing you noticed was a piercing pain in your chest and your body reacting by himself, stepping away as Sanji was trying to reach you, calling your name, telling you that he was sorry. 

You hadn’t answered, running as fast as you can. This year, you didn’t make the delivery at the Baratie. It was only when your father felt sick that you finally take your place in the delivery bargain, only dealing with Zeff and no one else.  

“ You had broken my heart, Sanji, remember ? “ You painfully said, angry about yourself to hear a point of sadness in your voice.

“ Y/N I was young…” He sighs, guilt painting his trait.

But, as you were trying to calm your heart,years of anger filling your veins.

“ You were young…that's your excuse ?!” You spit, your hand turning into fist. “ After all those years, I was waiting for an explanation who’s never come, crying every night. I finally thought I was able to get over it but it was it...you were young ?…I was too ! “

“  I know I am the one at fault here but you weren't the only one to suffer” Sanji muttered, his gaze darken, refusing to meet yours “ I didn’t know why I did it, and would you have accepted to see me, talk to me ? Your father was looking at me like he wanted to gutter me like his fish and Zeff wasn’t better, kicking me everytime he heard you were crying, whether it was my fault or not ! “ 

“And for today ? If it should have one who doesn't want to see the other it should be me. So what’s your problem !?” You abruptly asked. 

“ My problems…My problems is that I hate having to fight everyday with Zeff about his shitty menu and I hate he put fucking oregano everywhere ! I hate that he has asked you to help knowing how it will make me feel, I hate how sexy you look in that uniform and the way that throws me back. I hate those guys who hit on you without knowing how a fucking brat you can be. “ 

Sanji answered, passing angrily his hand on his hair,planting his gaze in yours. 

“But I hate even more that I was scared of my feelings back then ! I was a coward okay, you were amazing I freak out ! I used to think about how to impress Zeff every day and night, new recipes or new knowledge to become the best chef but the only thing I was about to think about was you. If you would come with your dad the next day, would you enjoy my Risotto or hate it? Should I make you something sweet ? Did you enjoy our kisses as much as me? How can your skin be so soft under my hands or did my hand feel too rough? Did you think of me as much as I did of you? I was falling in love so fast with you but I knew I didn’t deserve you.”

Letting a sigh escape his lips as his voice takes a more annoyed or that is an embarrassed tone as he continues his confession. You couldn’t turn your gaze of his, mute by his raw feeling finally exposed. 

“Yet, the worst of all is that I hate the fact that I still do it after all those years. Every night I ask myself if you will be the one doing the delivery tomorrow, will I be able to have a glance of you or will you finally meet my gaze, will you stay mute like everytime or finally say hello and forgive me, that’s is my problems Y/N” 

You didn’t know at first what to say, anger having left his place to sadness. As you were standing both still. You could clearly tell by some details in his features and physics how much he had grown since the last time you had stood like that face to face. But being scared wasn’t a reason, neither erased his act or the pain you had endured. Worst, how could you trust him after all this. 

“ Well, at least after all this time, I have answers. Yes, I think about you everyday. But it also hurts me everyday,how could I trust you, I don’t know you anymore. The last time I was here we were young and you made the choice to hurt me. It’s too late for us,maybe we could try again someday, in another life. “

Leaving him behind, heading back to the restaurant level, trying to catch the tears from falling out of your eyes, you distantly heard Zeff asking you if everything was okay. Nodding of the head, putting back a smile on your lips, you take your orders and come back to the dining area. 

As the sun was pursuing its course, coloring the sky with a vibrant shade of orange, pink and purple. You gave a hug to Zeff, his smell, a mix of leather, sea salt and spice recomforting you.

“ Thank you for your help Little Peach. I know it wasn’t easy with…all this…but you truly help us today “ He tells, freeing you of his bear hug. 

“ I was glad to be able to help Uncle Zeff” 

Lifting his gaze to the restaurant, the old man seems to shortly struggle to find his words, playing nonchalantly with one of his braids.

“ Sanji isn’t a bad kid, a brat who made some terrible mistake, yes, but I think he really regretted what he had done. I made him regret it too for your sake of course, little Peach…But I saw how his mistake had made him grow. Sometimes you have to lose a treasure you thought was already yours to realize how important it was for you. “ 

“ I know Zeff “ You smiled, letting so many things go unsaid,trying not to cry again. After all, how do you explain to the old man that feeling of not knowing that man in a suit when you had only known him with a cook uniform or unable to knot a necktie.Or knowing perfectly why his loyalty to the pirate chef will forever prevent him from leaving the restaurant.“ Same hour tomorrow ? “ 

“ Like always” The old chef smiles, helping you step in your small boat, watching you leave his dock. “ Keep your feet dry “

—

A week later. 

The fresh air of the morning was filling your lungs. On the water, the fishing boat was immobile, painting a peaceful image succeeding alway to put you at ease. 

As you were preparing the stall, for your opening of the day, careful adjusting the spice jars on their little shelfs, waiting for the fisherman to bring your fresh fish, you heard a small cough. 

“ So it was you who sold all that oregano to the old man, “ Sanji's voice gently said, as if he was trying to not scare you away. 

Standing at only a few steps of you, a duffel bag on his shoulder, his suit and tie impeccable in the sleepy dock market, you take a full minute to process his presence. 

“ You had left The Baratie…” You shockingly said, more a realization of a thing you thought would never happen than a question. “ I mean, what are you doing here ?” You finally asked, still unsure if it wasn’t a trick of your brain. Young Sanji would never leave the restaurant or miss an opportunity to learn kitchen tricks, other than for necessary utility.

“ Yes, Zeff had sent me as a return of favor for the help you gave us and I didn’t protest” He replied, taking a few precautionary steps, the idea that you still could decide to attack him by throwing one of the jars at his face, not far in his brain. “His precise words were to work my ass off or be ready to have my butt kicked. Look, I know that I mess up everything and I will regret it all my life. But I’m well intended to work right today and prove to you that we can maybe have a…fresh start ? “ 

“ A fresh start “ You repeat, considering the idea. Even if nothing could change the past, you had, in the last week, known that climbing to it now that you had your answers wouldn’t help you in any aspect of your life. And, now that miracle seems to happen, it was maybe all you need. “ You will not say to the clients that oregano is for savages, is that clear ? “ 

“ Even if it’s the truth ? “ He asked, an amused smile playing on his lips. “ We will have to review the quantity you send to the restaurant it’s way too high “ 

“ You really have a problem with it are you “ You let yourself joke. 

"Hadn’t hated another herbs as much as this one, “ Sanji replied, putting aside his bag.

“ Maybe your taste is just too fancy” You laugh, feeling your heart seem to regain its pace for the first time in a long time.

“ Maybe that’s why your lips always look to me like a one of a kind delicacy “ Sanji flirted. 

“ Sanji, fresh start !” You laugh, returning to your opening preparation. “ Just for that you will refill the oregano jar ! “ 

“ Yes Madam “ The blond cook responded, a smile on his lips, a spark you thought long gone freshly back in his eyes. “ Fresh start “ 

—-

Bonus : 

His old back against one of the piles supporting the platform surrounding the restaurant, his wooden leg removed, Zeff was smiling. 

“ They aren’t bad kids, mistakes have been made, kicks have been given. But it’s the good things in life. Errors make you grow and paths who’s we thought never crossed come back. Often it doesn't work, but I hope for them it will.” 

“ I hope Zeff, you have grown too, you had more lines in your face than the last time”  The timeless woman said, his head resting on his crossed arms, the lower half of his body undulating in the dark water.  

“ It’s not everybody who’s an immortal sea witch, “ Zeff replied. 

“ I had offered you to share my ageless life, you had decline it “ She remind him. 

“ The little eggplant needed me, he was only a child. But I never thought you would forget us on that rock. “ He argued, still bitter of the memory. 

“ Time is an abstract notion for us, but you survive, don't you ? “ The sea witch smiles, having the decency to look embarrassed of his own mistake.

“ Will you forget me when I die” Zeff asked. 

“ Probably, but the water will remind me of Red boots Zeff and his sacrifice to save a little human.” She simply said, returning into the deep of the sea.

Turning his gaze to the stars, Zeff smiled.

---

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[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

i'm on my aspd izaya bullshit again but like. thru this lens, isnt his arc a perfect encapsulation on how aspd negatively affects the person that has it? even to this day, many professionals do not believe that pwASPD suffer from aspd. like at all. to the point where aspd was specifically listed as an outlier to the "patient distress is what defines a disorder" rule in an abnormal psych textbook

(see why i don't respect the field?)

but... he does suffer! a lot! like- remember his speech to mikado at the end of the first arc? how you need to keep evolving, keep changing in order to escape the mundane? how you have to keep going and going and going, wether it be aiming high or low?

yeah. normal people don't need to do this, izaya. you are a broken person.

but why SHOULD he be content with the mundane? the things people usually have that make them content with daily life- friends, family, a purpose, a distinct lack of extreme chronic boredom that drives you to do completely insane shit- izaya doesn't HAVE any of that!

"wait, chronic boredom?" i hear yall thinking. maybe. "isnt that an adhd thing?"

more than one disorder can have the same symptom. theres like a billion that have "want to die" as a symptom. but i dont really blame you for not knowing, its not talked about much

studies have shown that aspd and adhd are both problems with the dopamine receptors in the brain. more specifically, adhd is a chronic deficiency of dopamine, whereas with aspd, when you DO get dopamine, your brain gives you quardruple the normal amount.

studies have ALSO shown there to be a sort of... adhd to aspd pipeline. the story goes like this: you have a kid with adhd. maybe they're born like that, maybe the symptoms developed from trauma (which can happen? apparently??) anyway. kid gets abused. kid develops conduct disorder as a result of that abuse, as a natural extension of the existing adhd symptoms. they're MORE impulsive, which leads to them hurting others- and if it sets off the dopamine receptors, an abused kid starving for happiness and power is gonna chase it, no matter what. theyre like, six, they dont know anything about like. morality. all they know is, theyre sad and this makes them happy. anyway kid never gets treated, abuse continues to exasperate the symptoms, and now you have an adult with aspd, AND the original adhd diagnosis! and ptsd, which is HIGHLY comorbid with aspd! and probably another personality disorder, because you're actually statistically more likely to have two of them!

anyway! that's ONE of the ways aspd can develop from trauma, which it is Known To Do.

does any of that sound pleasant to go through? at all?

let me ask you a question:

imagine you aren't getting dopamine. maybe it's your adhd. maybe you're depressed. either way, you try to get it any way you can. wether it's throwing yourself into a hobby or a job, so the sense of satisfaction gives you dopamine, or something like drugs or gambling.

now, imagine that "rush" you felt. was Four Times Stronger.

wouldnt that compel you to do increasingly dangerous and risky shit, just to feel okay? imagine if you had no friends. imagine if this was your only way to be happy. wouldnt you, eventually, stop caring about others and only care about yourself? after all, other people have thinga like friends and a family that you don't have. they have a fallback. you only have this.

and you might say, "i'd never do that!" but every addict says that, and most eventually cross that line out of sheer desperation. and this? effectively makes you into a dopamine addict. which is dangerous! you can't just STOP... gettng dopamine....! it's necessary! but you have no help so you keep doing what youre doing. (and how could you get help? its baked into the system that people like you don't suffer. why try if youll just get burned?

anyway, back to izaya.

he's lonely. he has one friend and he sucks. he feels compelled to do these things even though he KNOWS it'll hurt him.

i stole this screenshot from some1 who insulted my friend once for something stupid <3 die

but it illustrates my point very well! does it look like he has much control over things?? he sure like to ACT like he does, but at the end of the day, he doesn't, really. he ends up spiraling more and more, doing increasingly risky and rash things, just to get his end goal... which is to die and ascend to the afterlife. a lofty goal.

aiming high, isn't he? a final, spectacular evolution.

or, it should have been.

but it wasn't.

izaya's impulses and deep desire to continue becoming more and more drastic, coupled with his lack of personal ties to anyone that could keep him from doing so....

it didn't make him ascend. it left him in a wheelchair, with chronic pain that will last his whole life.

THAT is where mental illness takes you. it doesn't make you a hollywood psychopath, reveling in the destruction you chose, of your own free will, wholly and truly, to cause. it makes you want More. no matter what, you need More. you see people content with lives worse than yours, everyone bound together with some sort of invisible thread, some sort of tie that keeps them together. a thread that missed you. your brain refuses to see people as people, thus you remain lonely forever, unsatiafied wirh company other than the superficial, because it's fun. that's all you're allowed to care about. an endless cycle of bigger and bigger actions, impulses slowly getting worse--

--and the worst part is, it tricks you into believing you ever had a choice. it tricks everyone into believing you had a choice. your suffering is worse than disregarded, to all the people you look at from your apartment, all the people you wish you could have been like.

it's nonexistant.

[desceros]

Re: ableism w/Symphony Donnie: Definitely some internalized ableism but I think that’s unfortunately due to not many people knowing what exactly neurodivergence looks like and how people with it processes things differently.

Like, honestly, my biggest gripe was the recording and even that, for the SPECIFIC context of this story and Donnie as a character, it makes sense. Does it make it right? No, but if Donnie never had to think about these things before, for him it’s the same as recording everything to protect his family. Just something he does.

Also, even though my heart broke with Reader’s at her realization, MULTIPLE times reader has said Donnie says what he means and even at the beginning with the “I like you” thing I was like, “Girl, I’m going to need you to define the relationship with him.”

And I think, with Leo, even when writer’s do write him as neurodivergent, what I’ve read always has him as the he better masker whether it’s explicitly said or not. Idk if Symphony Leo is neurodivergent or not but STILL, reader has picked up that he’s good with masking which usually comes off as charming or “easy breezy beautiful cover girl”.

Idk, maybe because I know a lot of people like Donnie irl but if anything I was more frustrated at the obvious miscommunication between both of them than him directly, because as reader said, she projected her feelings on to him when he’s been super direct with his intentions.

Basically, there are sometimes where I wish people would just realize that processing the same thing between two people doesn’t always look the same and that one isn’t necessarily bad.

well-said, anon-chan!

edit: this got SPOILER!! HEAVY!! for chap. 22 and also soooo long so i'm going to tuck it under a cut. but here's some meta on symphony to explore this a bit since it's something that's very important to me and also... pretty critical to the fic itself! i don't typically like explaining myself outside of the text and letting the fic itself speak but. hm. i suppose i shall let it slide for today!

as you all have hopefully noticed by now, as an author, i like to be. hm. more subtle with things. i prefer to tuck things away versus having things be blatant in the text. and this is kind of coming back to bite me a little with donnie and his neurodivergence, i suspect.

i've tried pretty hard to make it contextually obvious that donnie's autistic. i've all but used the word. the way he behaves and communicates is heavily autism-coded.

meanwhile, the story is from viola-chan's pov, and she's neurotypical-coded (well. as much as i, an adhd-riddled autistic cat in a trenchcoat can manage).

as a result, she doesn't... pick up on donnie's problems with communication. not right away. but here, in this chapter, we see where she finally figures out what their issue has been the entire time:

…Oh. Oh god.  He really doesn’t get it. You’d known, of course, that Donnie wasn’t great with people. That he doesn’t communicate well. He doesn’t pick up on cues, or use them himself. No wonder he’s always so frank in his language, you realize. No wonder he’s so comforted by the firm rigidities of science. No wonder he looked so lost. No wonder he was so perplexed.

then, she puts that into practice by being specific and precise with how she talks. and we see that she now knows how to communicate with him in a way that works for both of them. and it works for them:

God; it’s like—a breath of fresh air, you think, staring at him in a little bit of awe. It’s so easy to talk to him, now that you’re just… letting it all out. Being honest. Frank. Infuriating that you hadn’t done this earlier. Feeling your irritation deflate, you nod. “…Okay. You just—need an explanation. Clarification.” “Yes, please,” Donnie gushes, fretting a little.

it's going to take some work. she still takes things he says personally and extrapolates past them (the whole "leo being an important person" thing). but she immediately nips it in the bud and is like. no. we're not doing that anymore. so, going forward, her relationship with donnie is one that's built on learning how to develop this open communication.

of course, it's not perfect, because they're human. donnie twisting her arm into still talking to him by calling in the favor is shitty behavior. a desperate bid to keep someone close that, for some reason, he can't imagine being without. not cool. the recordings of them having sex were shitty behavior to us, people who Know Better. but when violist-chan said 'hey, that's not cool, don't do that' and donnie was given a reason why not to, he just says ok. he might not understand ("but i record everything"). but he acknowledges that there's a concern there, and he agrees to be more conscientious in the future (having a consent sheet).

now then, let's look at leo's behavior in comparison.

donnie's biggest fault was that he didn't know to check in and make sure they were on the same page with everything. leo's fault, on the other hand, is purposeful, manipulative, and cruel. his open admission that he's been manipulating her from the beginning. manipulating donnie. lying to her.

to me, this is much, much worse than what donnie did. even knowing that at some point he starts developing friendly feelings towards her—and some of their interactions were indeed genuine!—i'm with violist-chan here. i'm not going to be digging through every one trying to parse out which ones were real and which ones were him being a dickhead. they're all tainted by the stain of betrayal.

also. because it has come up in a different ask that i will be publishing probably tomorrow bc of spoiler reasons: someone said something to the effect of 'why didn't he just not say anything? he could have taken that to his grave. how selfish'. i will remind you of a conversation between violist-chan and leo that happened in the previous chapter:

“Most of all, he’s honest,” you keep going, tangling your fingers together, staring down at the way they knot at your waist. “If he says something, I can take it at face value. There’s no hidden meaning. Nothing deeper. If he says something feels good, I know it feels good. If he says he likes something, he likes it. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it. If he asks for something, I don’t need to ask if he’s sure. He asks, so he’s sure. It—It’s a breath of fresh air. If I want to know what he’s thinking, really thinking, all I have to do is ask. And...”  [...] Leo’s still as stone for a few moments longer, looking at you like he’s trying to decide if he wants to say something; but finally he relaxes and comes back to you himself. Reaching out, he flicks your forehead, causing you to wince and rub at it.

i think... leo maybe wouldn't have ever said anything about it. but then you said this. how donnie matters to you because he's honest. there's nothing deeper with him. it's all at face value. you never have to worry about what he's doing, what he's thinking. and that i think... really messed with leo. because he knows he hasn't been honest with you. you can't trust what he says at face value. you do have to worry about what he's doing. and for you to say that that's the main thing you love about donnie—it messed with him. so, even though he knew it would jeapordize the relationship with you, even knowing he wanted to put this off for as long as he could, even though, even though, he decides he has to tell you. he has to come clean.

so even though it feels like shitty, selfish behavior... it's actually him trying to do right by her for a change. to conform to what she looks for in a relationship (both romantic and platonic). it just... didn't go over so well, predictably. most people don't like hearing that not one, but two of their most precious relationships were built on a foundation of misunderstandings or lies.

side note. i do headcanon leo as having adhd that primarily manifests itself as an inattentive form. i don't suspect it has much to do with his behavior here... save perhaps for some possible rsd being triggered when violist-chan is like 'ok actually go fuck yourself i'm out of here.' i don't find it particularly relevant to the discussion of ableism, in this context.

so anyway. long post aside. it's... interesting to me. to see people saying 'actually fuck both donnie and leo equally!!! bleh bleh bleh!!!!' i don't know that it's. hm. active ableism. i'm certainly not accusing anyone of the sort. but it is, at the very least, indicative to me that there are a lot of people who don't read into the text as deeply as perhaps i would like on certain character traits, if i had a magic wand to wave.

....and also perhaps just ableism, haha.

[doll-elvis]

How and why did Elvis go down hill so fast after the Aloha from Hawaii concert

ahh this is a really interesting question, thank you for the ask <3 !! also I’m sorry if I didn’t interpret this correctly and if you mean’t the immediate aftermath of the special, I kind of answered in terms of the long run 😭

now this might be an unpopular opinion but I don’t believe that Elvis actually ever went ‘downhill’ at a constant or steady rate

Many fans, biographers, and reviewers sort of see the Aloha special as ‘past the point of no return’ for Elvis, meaning they see it his last moment of “greatness”, or the last moment where he was truly on top

The Aloha special was no doubt a peak moment for Elvis, but I don’t definitely don’t view it as his “final truly great moment”. I also don't see the special as him reaching the top of the mountain and then next 4 years are him going down it. I see the special as one peak of many, in fact I think he continued to have peak moments up until his passing, which is why the suddenness of his death is so tragic because I don’t believe he was done. He was of course physically not well but not to the point that he wouldn’t have been able to overcome it if he had more time and proper care

Another reason that I can’t say he ever steadily declined is because that throughout his career, particularly in the 60s and 70s, Elvis had periods of highs and lows that often coincided with how his personal life was going i.e family, friends, girlfriends etc.etc

For example the tail end of the summer in 1976 was a particularly rough patch for Elvis. His health was declining, his relationship with Linda was on its’ last legs, his group was split (Dave, Red and Sonny had been fired), and Doctor Nick even stopped being his physician after a fallout had occurred and Doctor Elias Ghanem stepped in

Doctor Ghanem was even more neglectful in taking care of Elvis and as a result Elvis was loaded up on anti-depressants, sleeping pills, and other extremely debilitating narcotics. He was rendered almost completely incontinent. Thus resulting in one of Elvis’ worst tours yet, and one of his worst rated shows ever aka ‘Houston we have a problem’ which was taped on August 28th 1976

Reportedly Elvis was slurring and stumbling so badly on stage that several fans walked out, one reviewer even noted fans crying as they left

“People had witnessed the side effects from Elvis's medications during his performance in Houston. Elvis had taken Sparine (for depression), which contributed to muscle and speech problems. It knocked the bottom out of him, dropped his blood pressure. He couldn't do diddly-squat”

excerpt from the book “The King and Dr. Nick” by George Nichopoulos

It was one terrible show/performance after the next and Elvis was pushing himself to the limits and suffering because of it. According to band members Elvis had to be convinced to go on stage because he was so worried about disappointing the crowd. He wanted to perform better but his body physically wouldn’t let him. It was so terrible that just after 3 days of Elvis being under Doctor Ghanem’s care, Doctor Nick was called back and began working again to regulate Elvis’ prescription use

And then on November 19th, 1976, Elvis met 20-year-old Ginger Alden, and to just say he had “improved” would be a massive understatement. He began performing like he hadn’t been for years, resulting in one of his best tours, and some of his best shows such as his New Year’s Eve performance on December 31st, 1976. And more than just his career/shows, Elvis’ mood had visibly lifted, he was out of his depression and he was much more optimistic for the future

excerpt from the book “Elvis: My best man” by George Klein

excerpt from the book “If I can dream” by Larry Geller

So Elvis went from having one of his worst-rated concerts, to one of his best-rated concerts in just the span of a few months, which again proves to me at least that his “decline” wasn’t steady

When he was motivated and inspired, he could do incredibly great things, whether that motivation came from a single girl he wanted to impress in the audience or billions of people around the world like in the Aloha special

And this pattern can be seen throughout his career

Like in the 60s where Elvis would tend to let himself go a little bit between films and then when a script was given for his next picture, he would find the motivation to get back “in shape”, even reducing the amount of prescriptions pills he was taking in order to do so

But even the films eventually grew tiresome and Elvis didn’t find that motivation for his career again until the 68 comeback special. dontbeecruel breaks down the lead up to the special like Shakespeare I swear- please take the time to read it for yourself if you haven’t (it’s amazing) 😩 ⬇️

Another instance in the 70s where Elvis was able to recover from a low/downhill period and rise again was after his divorce with Priscilla. His saving grace, inspiration, and motivation this time came to him as Linda Thompson

excerpt from the book “A Little thing called Life” by Linda Thompson

The divorce undoubtedly caused was one of the lowest periods in Elvis’ life. He began taking pills and prescriptions that he had never had before such as Demerol and Dilaudid, his behavior became more erratic than ever, and he was in a deep depression, resulting in the decline of both his physical and mental health

It took him a while to recover but he eventually did, and I do honestly credit that to Linda’s presence in his life as she helped him move on

excerpt from “A Little thing called Life” by Linda Thompson

This decline and then rise can even be seen physically ⬇️

Left: Elvis in 1973, the day his divorce was finalized, where Priscilla says she was stricken by his appearance and worried for his health

Right: Elvis in 1974, visibly healthier, and performing in one of his best shows of a incredible tour

So again, Elvis went from enduring one of the worst periods of his life, declining mentally and physically, to improving and performing at his best again… all within the span of a year

I guess that’s why it breaks my heart when people act like Elvis’ last great moment was at 38 in the Aloha Special, and then every year after that was just downhill. He was always singing his heart out as best he could, even towards the end, and again, if his career was managed in his best interest and if his doctors acted in his best interest, I believe he would have many more moments like the Aloha special, he just wasn’t given enough time to do so

[naviculariis]

Okay so. Serious post time. I'm gonna put this entire thing under a cut, but I'm also gonna post some TWs here: medical malpractice, uncertain diagnoses, family trauma / drama, grief, anxiety rambles???

But I am gonna take like. A semi-hiatus, just so I can catch up on what I owe.

I haven't talked about this over here, or on Tumblr in general. Only one person who follows me here knows about this bc we're friends on another platform.

So.

Y'all have noticed, my days don't follow a set schedule. I've been unemployed since my campus suddenly closed with very little warning back in '22. Immediately after that closing, we took a small trip to MS to be with family for Christmas, and that trip was... Bad. And on the 1st of last year, I had an accident- i was taking down Christmas lights and fell and busted open my head. I had an untreated, late diagnosed concussion thar no one really... followed up on, and have had slight memory loss even now from it.

So I couldn't work until my head healed up from that.

But that's not the medical thing. That is my mother. In October 2021, my mother went in for a routine stint placement that resulted in loss of almost total blood flow to her left leg for 36 hours. They almost had to amputate, she almost died on the table twice, she was hospitalized for a year. ( we've tried the legal route, but because the doctor never admitted fault on paper, he cannot be held liable & suing hospitals is... Difficult. Even though she has permanent damage, can no longer feel anything below the knee, and has to wear a brace to walk. ) My mother already had a weak heart to begin with due to years of smoking + cardiac disease. This was the first nail, essentially. This damaged her heart... a lot.

Back to the concussion. 4 days after my concussion, she had a massive heart attack that nearly killed her. She flatlined twice on the table. It was after this that we got confirmation that she is in congestive heart failure. My grandfather died from it. It's

... It's hard. We don't know which stage she's in because her cardiologist won't tell us, but we think she's in stage 2, or maybe 3. We don't know. But because of this, I am the one who takes care of 95% of everything around the house & outside. I do lawncare, I do the planting, I do the garden. She can do a lot, still, but when her heart gets going- it's painful. So I've been her caretaker since 2021 when the initial accident happened.

My grandmother is nearly 90 and has... Many health problems but somehow is also doing better than most folks I know. She's a mystery. And my aunt had a double knee surgery but somethings wrong with her knees, and they think the surgeries rejected, so she can't get around well or drive longer than an hour away. My grandmother no longer drives & isn't renewing her license. My mother can drive, but we don't want her to unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

So I'm the only one who can drive them around.

I have my own medical issues [ anxiety, depression, type 1 diabetes, cracked tailbone that never got treatment & is giving me hell for that- ]

So. Basically. A lot of my time isn't my time. And when I do have free time, I do try to write and chat as much as I can. At night, after I get mom to bed, I call my partner warner and we get a few hours together and then we have to go to sleep bc we're in a ldr & their timezone is an hour ahead of mine.

... I'm rambling.

It's just. It's hard sometimes. And a lot of the time I sort of sit on my back porch and cry because I'm doing this- physically- alone. Literally everyone else is 4+ hours away across the state. Or 9 hours south on the Gulf Coast, or 7 hours south in Louisiana.

I do try to stay on top of things the best I can, I really really do, but things slip through my fingers. I'm gonna try my best to get all caught up over this coming week, I think. But if my responses are delayed for threads, for discord messages- chances are, I'm busy with one of my lil ol' ladies.

On top of all of this, I live in a town of less than 900, the nearest city is 45 minutes in any direction, and the nearest BIG city is 2+ hours in any direction. Finding a job that isn't in Healthcare is impossible. And I have nothing against those who are in healthcare- I applaud you. But all of my trauma can be tied back to hospital ERs and any time I step foot into a hospital, I immediately have anxiety & can only hear the night we learned about my dad. So I physically cannot force myself to go into that field.

Which is... a whole other thing, this is getting too long. But I've been searching for a job for the past year and a half, have had 5 interviews, each one ended with "thanks for interviewing! However,". It's hard.

So I just.

My plate is a lil bit full. But I love writing. I love the rpc. It'sa comfort and a joy and I love meeting new friends and making new connections and I want to do this as long as I can but sometimes things get a little slow. That's all.

... anyways yeah. Semi hiatus. Cool.

[thatgirl4815]

hey! saw you were wondering/theorizing that San might have recognized Ray at the bar. do you think San could have a crush on Ray? i also feel like there's more going on than we know yet

Hi! Ultimately, I think there are 2 likely possibilities for why Sand reacted the way he did when he saw Ray passed out by the toilet...

1) Sand sees someone passed out drunk--who he has likely seen around the bar multiple times, considering Ray and co. seem to be frequenters--and is reminded of something from his past. I mentioned in another post that it could have something to do with someone close to him who was an alcoholic. Personally, my bets are on his father given his immediate reaction to Ray’s “Are you my father?” which, while I’m talking, could say something about Ray as well. It seems a bit telling that Ray's drunk reaction to Sand giving him a hard time is to think about how a father (likely his father) would react to him in this state (...or it means nothing and I am once again reading too far into things).

Anyways.

I'm less inclined to believe this first option given that Sand only really reacts to Ray after he looks up. This implies that it could be less about Ray being drunk by the toilet and more about who Ray actually is. (Regarding your theory that Sand has developed a crush on Ray, I don't necessarily think this is the case. I wouldn't completely rule it out, but Sand's expression has a layer of exasperation in it that doesn't quite fit.)

This brings me to theory #2.

2) Sand recognizes Ray from around the bar; he could also be familiar with Ray's wealth. I wonder if this look of recognition/exasperation is because Sand knows the family Ray comes from. Assuming Ray's father plays a big role in why he is the way he is (drinking-wise), would it be a stretch to say that Ray's family's influence has had an impact on Sand as well? Maybe Sand was screwed over somehow as a result of this family. It might not be quite so direct--perhaps Sand was not personally screwed, but he recognizes Ray as someone with privileges that he lacks. His animosity is understandable; Ray is swimming in cash, but what is he using it for? Partying every night and getting way too drunk. Sand understands the division that has been made for us, the audience: Sand is poor, Ray is rich, and that social separation is already a substantial barrier in their relationship. Add Ray's drinking problem into the mix, and there is clearly a lot of conflict to work through.

As I said before, I'm more inclined to think that Sand knows who Ray is--more specifically, he knows Ray's reputation. If anything, this pre-existing negativity towards Ray only serves to illustrate how selfless Sand is. Yes, there is the argument that if Sand didn't help Ray, he would've attempted to drive home by himself and potentially injured others in the process. But I don't think I need to expand on all the ways that Sand treats Ray much better than he probably deserves.

Sorry, this got really long-winded and strayed off topic a bit. I have too many thoughts about where this dynamic might go haha.

[the-eeveekins]

25 Days of G-Witch Reflection

This was my 4th time watching G-Witch, but really the first time I've watched it start-to-finish since the show ended in July (I watched the Japanese version twice a week when it was airing and was also watching the English dub simultaneously, which ended a few weeks later). The idea to watch an episode a day starting December 1st and ending on Christmas Day didn't come to me until very late in November, when I was thinking about wanting to make sure I watched it again before the year ended. It was challenging at times and stressful at others, but I looked forward to watching an episode every day and writing down my thoughts on each one, and those thoughts slowly grew with each episode.

My thoughts? Well I still love this show, and honestly the pacing felt better this time around, but maybe that's just me getting used to it. That's not to say it's pacing is amazing, but now that I don't have the burden of certain expectations going in, the pacing and the speed at which the ending happened feel more natural. In addition, a lot of big problems I had before really feel like it might be a case of me overthinking things once I started writing them out everyday, but there's still the issue of the show being ambiguous enough that those things aren't clear in the first place.

I think G-Witch's biggest problem is the expectations people have going into it, some due to it being a Gundam series and some being how well it executes it's background themes. There is an expectation that the show will seriously tackle the conflict between Earth and Space, the corporate corruption, the co-opting of medical technology for warfare and the transhumanist questions raised in the prologue and ending. I personally believe that those were never meant to be a focus, that the point of this story was the relationship between Suletta & Miorine and the conflict of their families (with The Tempest serving as the framework for the story) and everything else was a background detail meant to move that story forward. So maybe the reason I love it so much and many of it's "flaws" don't bother me is I never expected it to (nor really wanted it to) tackle those issues, and focus on that family drama instead.

I remember being in the minority when the 2nd season was airing that didn't want a 3rd and 4th season, especially one that would turn G-Witch into a traditional war story. I liked that G-Witch seemed to be aiming for a smaller, tighter focus around Suletta & Miorine's family, and I could tell midway through S2 that that story was barreling towards it's conclusion and anymore would've just been another Gundam war story unless they continued to take this AU further and further away from the core Gundam experience.

Unfortunately, for one reason or another, the show itself seemed to forget that in parts of S2, and tried to be more like a traditional Gundam series for a moment. Watching it day-to-day makes episode 15 really stand out for how egregiously out of place it is, and the series ties too hard to keep Guel relevant during it's finale, to the detriment of more important things. We may never know what happened behind the scenes, but I still firmly believe that this was a result of executive meddling. My biggest complaint after this 4th viewing is that S2 spent too much time on the Jeturk family and not enough time with the Rembran family (Delling and Notrette are almost an afterthought), and instead of building the SAL as the final antagonistic faction, we wasted time following the Dawn of Fold for an episode that didn't impact the story. Definitely still think they needed to introduce the Demi-Barding & Gundam Schwarzette earlier and do a little more with them.

I definitely wish Suletta & Miorine spent more time together in S2, but I don't know that I'd change anything significant enough in S2 to make them spend significantly more time together. I would just give them more time in the wake of their reunion to see them talk afterwards before Suletta boarded the Calibarn. And even if the number of scenes they physically shared was small, they constantly thought about each other and motivated each other through the entirety of the season. Everything Miorine did was for Suletta's sake. Miorine was constantly in Suletta's thoughts, even after the divorce, and she never gave up on that relationship.

It's been 6 months since the series finished airing, and I still think about it daily. I still have a lot of emotions regarding the series. I cry pretty much the entire 2nd half of the final episode still, I still can't listen to Houseki no Hibi without breaking into tears, and it even hits me sometimes when listening to The Blessing or looking at various pieces of art. Much to my surprise, and my immense relief and happiness, not a day goes by where I don't see a new piece of Sulemio artwork, and seeing them together still brings me great joy and happiness. Suletta is my favorite fictional character ever, and Miorine is right next to her, and they're both incredibly important to me for a number of reasons. I love them so much that it actually got me to write fiction about characters that aren't my OCs, and even post my writing publicly for the first time. This show and it's ending makes me incredibly happy, but I also felt an incredibly strong melancholy when it ended that took me over a week to get over, and those feelings have strongly returned in the wake of finishing it again.

I don't know how long this hyperfixation will last. I've never loved a piece of media or characters as strongly as I love G-Witch and Sulemio, and I'm definitely in uncharted territory when it comes to that. But until I stop thinking about this show and these girls on a daily basis, I'm going to keep talking about it and showing it my love.

[knynumber1simphere]

Muzan x Male Reader

An: This is by someone else, I just love Omegaverse, which it is by the way. Sadly it was in another language so I translated it fro ya'll. The greater is:

< @Lovetarjin > Lets Read, also I changed the prnouns because it was originally female Muzan, so sorry if I missed 1.

In the world there are three groups; the alphas, known to be the dominant group, the strongest among other things, then come the betas, common people so to speak, and finally the omegas, the last link in the hierarchies, generally mistreated by the dominant group, were considered people weak, submissive and that they only had to please their husbands, that's how it was before, nowadays many families had changed their way of thinking, at least the vast majority, _ is an omega that comes from a somewhat dysfunctional family, son of two alphas, Ryu, the father who put the seed in his birth, was raised in the old way, while Takeshi, who carried him in his womb, was raised in a liberal way, that caused you to have certain problems when raising his son , on the one hand they taught him to keep his future husband happy and on the other they taught him is to be independent, that undoubtedly only confused the minor, the child ended up being a very sweet person, by some miracle, since his parents generated They usually communicated with shouts, they had overprotected him since he was a child, that's why they didn't know when their son was already married to muzan kibutsuji, they couldn't avoid that, they let him be free, two years ago their little boy got married he had gone to live his happy marriage.

The Kibutsuji couple was waiting for the results, they needed to confirm, or deny, their suspicions

: can you stop spinning?, are you…-he didn't finish the sentence since he had to run to the bathroom, the red-eyed one took the pregnancy test, he could clearly see two lines, he was going to be a dad, he was going to be a dad!! Muzan: I'm going to be a father, we're going to be parents!-He yelled at his partner who was leaving the bathroom _: are you happy about that? -he asked hugging his partner's torso Muzan: of course, he is my son and my beautiful husband's, he said without moving away, he was going to have a family.

~•~

Muzan never expected to see his husband so changeable, in his moods, one moment he was happy, suddenly he was angry and if he answered he would start crying and go to his nest, because he already had a nest for his family , only Muzan was not welcome when his husband got angry with him. Like right now.

Y/n : muzan !!, I want chocolate strawberries, yes? -he said looking at his partner who hugged him against his body

Muzan: no, you already ate many, it's going to hurt you-he said seriously, let's say that his husband had many cravings, some fulfilled them and others didn't

Y/n: if you don't bring me strawberries with cream I'll go look for them-he said getting up with a little effort, after all a seven-month-old belly was not very easy to handle, but all his effort was in vain when his husband sat him down on her lap Muzan: you are not going to eat any more phrases with cream today-a big mistake was to tell him that, the omega began to cry Y/n: it's because I'm going to get fat, and you don't love me anymore-he said releasing his husband's hold and then going to his room where he went to take refuge in his nest, muzan let him stay alone for a few minutes and then went upstairs, when he arrived he could see his husband lying in his nest, but still awake Muzan: you're calmer now-she asked asking for permission to approach the nest, after all the omegas are very territorial when we talk about their nests and their puppies : I'm sorry for what happened, I don't know what's happening to me-he said taking his husband's hand and letting him enter his nest, they were both lying down Muzan: I understand, but we have to take care of the baby, it won't be long until it is born-he said caressing her husband's belly, they were still happy to be a family, that wasn't going to change.

Muzan knew that he had to finish once and for all with the demon hunters, if they won they would go after his family, they would not let a half demon loose in the world, for that reason, even a few days from him I give birth to his husband and decide to put an end to all this, everyone was ready to end this, thus the war between demons and demon hunters began.

~•~

They had won, after so much effort the demon hunters had fallen, the sun was beginning to rise so it was time for everyone to retire, while they were back home the demon in charge of his spurs approached him, before that he could do something to him for not taking care of his husband, he informed his that his husband had gone into labor, that made him hurry.

She arrived a few hours later, when she arrived they told him that his son had already been born, it was a boy, after all his son was half demon, he knew that his birth was not going to be normal, apparently it had been faster than expected, what They let his husband in to see her, who had their baby in her arms.

Y/n: muzan, I'm glad you're okay-he said kissing his husband -look at our little one-he said uncovering his baby's face

Muzan: he is very cute, just like his papa, we don't have to worry about the looks.

[arc-misadventures]

Unseen Reproductive Problems

Vale CCT Tower

A one, Jaune Arc, proclaimed, King of the Faunas sat at a consul as he impatiently tapped his fingers as he waited for the call to go through.

Jaune: Come on, come oooon…!

(Click)

: Hello, Cotta Arc residence, to who am I speaking with?

Jaune: Terra! Its me, Jaune!

Terra: Jaune! Hey, how are you; I haven’t heard from you in so long?

Jaune: I’m… Ehhhhhh… Not, not really good… Lot of shit had happened lately

Terra: Oh no, what happened?

Jaune: Is, Saphron there, she needs to hear this too?

Terra: One moment. Saphron?!

Saphron: What is it?

Terra: It’s, Jaune! He wants to talk with us!

Saphron: Jaune?!

Terra: Here she comes.

Saphron: Jaune? Jauney~! How’s my favourite little brother doing~!

Jaune: Still your only brother.

Saphron: But, still my favourite.

Jaune: Haa… Okay, I need to tell you something. You’re both aware I’m a faunas right?

ST: Yes.

Terra: Some sort of reptile faunas, right?

Saphron: The fang are really cool.

Jaune: Yeah… So, people found out I was a faunas, and uhh… Evidently, I’m some sort of dragon faunas…

Saphron: Hold on know; They think you’re a dragon faunas?

Terra: What makes them say that?

Jaune: I have multiple traits, and faunas generally have one trait.

Saphron: And; those traits are?

Jaune: Uhh… Well, there is the usual fanaus traits; heightened sense of smell, and night vision. Then theirs my personal traits; Retractible fangs that can bite through metal, fire breath, retractable claws. Of which are quite unique considering their nature, and the fact, I have three traits. Yeah, uhh… Faunas are only supposed to have one trait.

Saphron: Oh… That explains that…

Jaune: Oh, I also am growing horns.

ST: Eh?

Jaune: Yeah… See?

Terra: Okay…?

Saphron: Well that’s something I didn’t have on my, Weird Shit Bingo card…

Terra: So… Uhh… how are the faunas taking this?

Jaune: Well… They’re calling me a messiah figure that will bring about a new age for the faunas.

Terra: Eh?

Jaune: And, many of them are acting… Weird around me…

Terra: Define, ‘weird?’

Jaune: Well, some of the huys are pledging their undying loyalty to their, ‘king.’ And, the rest keep wanting to challenge me to duels…

Saphron: That sounds like a guy thing to do.

Jaune: Whole the girls all want me to become, my wife, concubine, or… broodmares…

ST: …

Jaune: …

Saphron: You’re fucking with us, right?

Jaune: Oh gods I wish I was…

Terra: Oh gods…

Saphron: Well better hope, Mom doesn’t gear about this.

Jaune: Oh she already has, in fact she’ll already here trying to make me hook up with people…

Saphron: Well… Shit…

Jaune: Okay, enough world building! Guys, I called to ask you about, Adrian.

Terra: Calling to ask if he has any faunas traits I presume?

Jaune: Yeah, It’s a 50/50 chance he may have some sort faunas trait, or he’s a normal human. I have to know!

Saphron: Why?

Jaune: I’m seen as some sort of dragon god king thingy?! If so many people are after me, then what will they do if they find out about my son?!

Saphron: Oh… Oh shit…

Terra: I think we better take, Adrian to the hospital; Full check up, X-Rays included.

Saphron: Y-Yeah, we’ll let you know the results when we get them, Jaune.

Jaune: Thanks guys, I really… (Sniff, Sniff.) Hmmm…

Jaune’s attention was stolen from his family as he smelt a rather perculiar smell, and yet, he was all alone.

Saphron: What is it, what do you smell?

Jaune: Someone with a death wish…

Jaune snarled as he tried to identify the smell. It was a smell that made him start to ask some rather interesting questions.

Saphron: We best get going; Adrian should be waking up soon. Bye, Jaune!

Jaune: Bye, Saphron. Bye, Terra.

Terra: B-Bye, Jaune! Hey, did he get hotter?

Saphron: Seems like it.

Jaune ignored the last bit, he had more pressing matters to attend to. As he stood up, straightened out his clothes, dust himself off he gave a deep sigh as he looked towards the door.

As he entered the elevator his back was against the wall as the door slowly closed, and for the briefest of seconds he saw a shadow move. Jaune snarled in agitation as the elevator slowly descended.

He was being followed, spied upon, and even possibly being hunted. If they followed him here, that means they may have overheard his conversation, and if they did, that meant his family could be in danger.

And, if his family was put in danger…

Well, eternal torment in hell would be a better alternative to what he would do to them.

[sebinwhite]

Sebastian Vettel: "Can I still do my job?"

Article link: https://www.zeit.de/2022/36/sebastian-vettel-formel-1-familie-klimaschutz/seite-3

Translation via deepl

Sebastian Vettel: You know, when I was sitting here in this motorhome waiting for you, I had to laugh for a moment.

DIE ZEIT: Because we're over an hour late? We're sorry about that. It wasn't easy to get to you here in the paddock at Spa.

Vettel: No, because I had to think of the ZEIT articles from earlier years that are lying around our house. At my place, the newspapers pile up into towers. I find it interesting to read how people, events and developments were assessed in the past. I thought that if others felt the same way, then I could preserve my farewell a little longer.

ZEIT: Are you afraid of being forgotten?

Vettel: Not at the moment. Before a race like the one here in Belgium, a day is very well planned. On a Thursday before a Grand Prix, there are press conferences, appointments with sponsors and meetings with my team. We practice the start, and in between we drivers walk the track.

ZEIT: On foot? After 15 years in Formula 1, don't you know the track in your sleep?

Vettel: On foot, of course. It's only eight kilometers. It would be fatal to believe that I don't have to prepare in the same way as I did when I was 20.

ZEIT: You are a four-time world champion, have won 53 races, and drove for Ferrari, among others. At the end of July this year, you announced the end of your career with the words: "I love this sport. It has been at the center of my life for as long as I can remember. But there is my life on the track and my life off the track. Being a race car driver has never been my only identity." Has anything already changed in your life since it was announced that the time of your final stints has come? Vettel: I feel more relaxed, yes, freer, because I carried the decision around with me for a very long time. Sometimes I thought it felt right to leave, then it felt wrong again. So it circled back and forth in my head for a long time.

ZEIT: What triggered the thought about leaving?

Vettel: Something like that happens gradually over many years. My job as a Formula 1 driver is very intense. I came to the realization that I could no longer manage 100 percent of my time the way I expected to.

ZEIT: 14th place in the current drivers' standings isn't enough for you to fall asleep satisfied?

Vettel: No. Perhaps I could become even more efficient in my planning. But for some time now two different worlds have been colliding: sporting ambition, which has always been my greatest drive, and at the same time I want to be there for the family. For the children. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to combine the two. This is noticeable in little things, when it becomes an effort to get out of the house and get on a plane. When I'm finally on the road, I forget everything and come home in the flow of the race. Then I have to get used to it again. And if the kids then also say, "Stay here, don't go!" the next time, it becomes even more difficult.

ZEIT: You could point out that one result of your work is a large garden.

Vettel: In that case, the time we spend together is worth more to me than the garden. If I could solve my problem by doing without the garden and being at home more instead, that would be great. But being a Formula 1 driver just isn't possible. Of course, the truth also includes the fact that I'm no longer driving at the front of the field.

ZEIT: It's not enough to say, now more than ever?

Vettel: No, unfortunately not. And it doesn't help to tell myself that there's nothing greater than setting up a Formula 1 race car correctly.

ZEIT: When did you start having doubts? Vettel: I became aware of it two years ago. When things weren't going well at all here at Aston Martin, I asked myself: Can I still do my job? As a professional, you don't talk about things like that; somehow it seems to be frowned upon. But what if it was? Personal weakness and thoughts about it are part of performance and success. At least for this realization, the past two years were worth their weight in gold for me. But it started when my children were born, I just didn't reflect on it that way back then. I don't mean that in a negative way, but since then a part of my life no longer belongs to me, but to my children.

ZEIT: Do you find it difficult to go beyond your limits in a profession that is dangerous?

Vettel: Yes, it does. But that doesn't mean I want to be some kind of helicopter father in the future. I don't have to look after my children every minute, and that shouldn't be my only task in life either. But as a father, I feel the drive to do everything in the sense that the children grow up to be a better version of both of us. Of my wife and of me.

ZEIT: You get old early as a Formula 1 driver.

Vettel: There's probably something to that. I didn't think about that until 2013, when everything was going perfectly. Things kept going up. The first setback came in 2014. My expectations were higher than the possibilities. The cars were different to drive, automatic components took many decisions away from the driver, I didn't like that. At that time, we had no chance against Mercedes at Red Bull. ZEIT: In 2015, you switched to Ferrari. Did things get better again there?

Vettel: Yes, the new job spurred me on. My role model was always Michael Schumacher. I thought of his world championship titles with "the Reds." The enthusiasm lasted until 2018, when I came close to success for the second time, and then the hoped-for improvement failed to materialize at the end. 2019 was sobering because our car with its chassis wasn't good enough for a strong engine. At the same time, my children were starting to grow up. That sharpened my focus on what else was happening, how much our environment was changing.

ZEIT: Every season, Formula 1 travels around the world with a huge team of engineers, mechanics and equipment. And in the process, it burns vast amounts of gasoline and kerosene, not to mention the cars in the races ...

Vettel: ... I've been able to travel to so many countries over a long period of time that you have to be very naïve not to see how dramatic the political grievances are elsewhere and how irresponsible the handling of the climate is. I'm not an expert on foreign policy or environmental issues, and I don't want to pretend that I understand everything. But recognizing that there must be something wrong with seeing more palm trees and palm oil plantations in Malaysia from year to year is no great feat. At some point, I began to feel ashamed of the fact that my work was helping to pollute the environment. And at least not being able to stop it.

ZEIT: With today's awareness, you should have stopped immediately.

Vettel: I won't be able to change this development on my own. I don't plant trees full-time, but I burn gasoline to do what I love and have fun doing it. I understand when people say: What right does he have to say that flights within Germany are bullshit?

ZEIT: How did you travel to Belgium?

Vettel: Not by plane.

ZEIT: But rather?

Vettel: With a small family bus that I drive myself. I keep the expense as low as possible. Sometimes I also travel by train.

ZEIT: That's commendable, but forgoing a private jet doesn't really inspire sympathy.

Vettel: Of course I know that. I'm not looking for sympathy, but to explain what makes me tick. Self-promotion is abhorrent to me, and unfortunately it's even more pronounced among drivers today than it used to be.

ZEIT: Do you feel too old for that, too?

Vettel: I'm happy for the others to be able to enjoy it, but I'm really glad to have grown up in a time when pictures of oneself were rather embarrassing.

ZEIT: When you announced the end of your career, you said that being a racing driver was only part of your identity. When your passion is gone, what meaning will you see in your life besides being a family man?

Vettel: I'm still much younger than the average retiree. That's probably the biggest challenge for a sportsman like me. At some point, I'll call it a day. I certainly won't be jumping from boat to boat or traveling from island to island. I want to take on responsibility in some way.

ZEIT: Will something ever be able to fill you up like the feeling of sitting in a race car?

Vettel: Well, I wish I knew. Every one of us athletes has this turning point before us - voluntarily or involuntarily. I could have gotten injured, either in or out of the car. And that would have been the end of my career. The point could have come when I was no longer good enough even for the midfield, when no one wanted me anymore. Of course, I wonder if I'll be able to cope with life afterwards or if I'll miss something. Maybe it will upset me that everything I've built up so far will crumble or burst. When I think about it and look at the post-career careers of other famous athletes, I can already see that it's a big challenge. There seems to be no guarantee of passing this test. Maybe I won't win this race, maybe I won't even finish it. I don't know.

ZEIT: Do you know how many of your colleagues among the Formula 1 drivers are really satisfied?

Vettel: Phew. We're all driven by ambition, the prospect of success. But the satisfaction outside of that is much more valuable. I think that's also a question of age. When we were 20 or 25, we all had different ideas of what it meant to be happy. Personally, I've always been more interested in the boring, the normal things. Trophies, for example, don't give me any satisfaction at all; you'd see that immediately if you visited me at home.

ZEIT: Where do you keep all your trophies?

Vettel: In a room that no one gets to see. On the walls in the living quarters are pictures of people who are good at painting, children's and family photos. But no Formula 1 pictures. ZEIT: Aren't you at all proud of what you've achieved?

Vettel: Yes, of course I am, and I'm also lucky enough to be able to afford things that I used to dream about. For me, that was always a Ferrari F40, that was my absolute dream car. I still have it and I'm not going to sell it.

ZEIT: A 480-horsepower sports car whose used purchase price starts at around 1.35 million. Is that what a Ferrari driver gets as a farewell present?

Vettel: No, I bought it beforehand. But it really is one of the very few status symbols I own. I've always liked to break out of the role of Formula 1 driver.

ZEIT: Isn't it nice to be a little privileged? After all, you've worked for it.

Vettel: How can I explain that without seeming arrogant? People often think they know me. But they don't know me, they only know a small part of me, the role I fill as a Formula 1 driver. No one knows whether I'm really an extrovert or an introvert, whether I like to do this or that. But because they think they know me, they behave toward me in a certain way that doesn't suit me as a person at all. Some apologize if they didn't recognize me right away, and then become effusively friendly. That makes me uncomfortable. I prefer the real thing.

ZEIT: Do you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a career?

Vettel: I really enjoy tinkering with wood. Who knows, maybe I'll do an apprenticeship as a carpenter. Maybe it will fulfill me so much that I'll only build chairs afterwards. Or maybe after a year I'll say it's fun to do something now and then, but it doesn't have to become my life's purpose. And I like farming, that's something that's grabbed me more and more in the past few years. There are so many approaches to farming. I wasn't aware of that before. Where does our food come from? Why? On the one hand, it's very analog, but on the other hand, it's also connected with technology, with new, modern technology.

ZEIT: Could you also imagine continuing to be involved in racing?

Vettel: Not right away, but working in motorsports, if it's the right role, is something I can well imagine. After all, there are also areas that are far removed from classic Formula 1.

ZEIT: As an ambassador for Formula E?

Vettel: No, not that. I don't want to be a greeter, and I don't want to put my face forward for a concept that I'm not convinced of. I don't see the point behind this series. The battery technology that is being pushed and developed has nothing to do with the technology that a normal car could use. It is not conducive to preserving our environment if the batteries or rechargeable batteries are not charged with renewable energy, but with fossil energy.

ZEIT: Why have you actually changed your appearance so much? You wear a beard, your hair is getting longer. Is that also a form of protest, your way of walking the Camino de Santiago?

Vettel: No, it's much simpler than that. When I was 20, I couldn't grow a beard. There was only fluff. Now the hair is already starting to get a little thinner. So I thought I'd better let it grow longer again before it starts to get less overall.

ZEIT: Would you have left if you'd had an offer from a racing team that would have given you the opportunity to sit in a car that was competing for victory once again?

Vettel: I asked myself the same question. I can't answer it for you one hundred percent because the option didn't exist. But actually, when I thought about it, I came to the same conclusion. After all the self-doubt that came up in me, it was more important for me to realize that it's okay to quit. Sure, that would be a great thing, to retire as a champion at the peak. That's what many of us try to do. Some fail at it and lose themselves.