#i hate that ive made myself feel like i cant make friends because my ex best friend chose drugs over me

[zackthelion]

ate the gas station rhino sex pills again

[yurianonikki]

21|07|24| yulia’s diary

‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡𓂃 ࣪ ִֶָ☾.╰┈➤. entry 1; into the new world,

˚˖𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒✧˚.🎀༘⋆╰┈➤. today's mood; content - happy?> a bit bored, but motivated. confused.

���࣭⭑╰┈➤ i dont know if moving was a good decision. im having regrets, lots of regrets i guess, i left everything i knew behind in what feels like a split second decision. everything i became used to over the past nearly 11 years was gone in just a few weeks. everything i learned at school, pointless. i cant use that information for anything because i dont study the same subjects anymore. i do miss my small citizenship class, and my much larger and chaotic health&social care class. music just isn't as entertaining. but at least i get to do history still??? i mean theres only 1 person in music who i talk to - and she used to have a crush on my boyfriend 😬. my friends who i knew (but lowkey hated 🤫) were gone. speaking of friends, i cut contact with nearly everyone i knew before moving; lots of my online friends are gone completely and we havn't spoken in weeks - months even, and i dont talk to anyone i knew irl except for my boyfriend. its easy when you move so far away you never have to come in contact with those people - unless your unlucky enough to still see them in the city centre when youre walking home from school or hanging out with your new friends and/or bf - some people try to keep in contact some dont care, or at least dont show that they care. but maybe it was good for me. i mean i did lots of things i regretted there, so many embarassing things related to me, i had so many enemies for no reason really? im not sure why i was so disliked; i know that my old friend group from 3 years ago still talk shit about me and make up lies but im curious how bad it is to have made so many people dislike me... the only closure i got was that one of the girls told me now ex-bestfriend that shes ''sorry for being rude''. rude? rude. seriously. thats it. you think you were rude. but thats a story for a different time. in a way i do miss my best friends but i also dont know how to feel. i never felt comfortable around them to be myself, i always felt like an outcast even though we were supposed to be a group. the biggest difference between us was our ethnicities, they were bulgarians and i was polish. there wasnt many polish kids at my old school. i mean there were the twins who were very weird and apparently groped another student AT SCHOOL?... definately not. there was ro**** who was the girl who said ''sorry for being rude'', mm nope. there was ga******* who started to hated me because of my relationship with my current bf, again definately not. je*****, ga******'s cousin and ro****'s friend, absouluetly not. theyr all weird and have a weird story connecting them to me but its too long to look back on today. at least at my new school there tons of polish kids who im friends with and i finally feel welcomed. even tho i tend to be quiet because ive only known them a few weeks they dont exclude me like my old friends; they do quite the opposite actually and it feels nice. the only down side is they all known and are possibly friends with ga****** because she sort of goes to our school sort of doesnt? again her story will be another entry. and also theyre friends with her best friend na***** who dispises me because of ga******'s weird issues. 😐 but im staying strong. ignoring them. not letting them affect me. thats what im gonna convince myself at least.

๋࣭⭑╰┈➤ its summer break now finally. 6 long weeks of term ugh 😮‍💨. i have so much spare time to do anything i want. yesterday i was really motivated to learn coding, but i dont think it will go anywhere, even the super simple stuff is complicated for me. i am NOT. a maths-y person. ive started to become more active on my blogs, hence why im writing this, a big dream of mine as a kid was to be a writer 🫠, this is nice and easy and stress free<3 ive been wanting to learn guitar now properly since starting music at school because its a big part of our final grade but also just to have something as a hobby. i dont think ive ever had a real hobby and it makes me a bit embarassed, like im super boring and dont do anything besides sit on my phone and play games and just fuck around on instagram being messy. photography is also something i wanna get into but a good quality camera is expensive (im aware i dont need expensive equipment for photography but you gotta admit it makes your work nicer), guitars are also expensive tho, doubt i will get one anytime soon considering our renovations, my mothers financial and mental problems and my sister not working too. hughhh, though i have been thinking of getting a summer job. 1) for money 2) my mum said if i do something over summer she will get me a cat 🐈 3) i wont feel like im wasting my days away being a bum like my boyfriend likes to call it>:( so when my mother is free ill bring it up to her, as well as starting pilates at home again. i first started back in the beginning of may and i was doing really good; i felt better, my body looked good, and i felt like i had a hobby. but by the end of school i completely stopped doing it because i was so drained physically and mentally. i mean imagine making up at 5am every day and only getting home 12 hours later, sometimes even as late as 19:00. i also have been feeling insecure in my body, as if im gonna gain weight and look just gross. even though my bf reassures me i look great and still look great even after not working out i just have a feeling in the back of my mind hes just saying that to make me happy, not because he means it. on a happier note, ive started watching more animes; death note specifically. 1) to make my boyfriend happy, he begs me to watch it like at least 5 times a week 2) i had the most random urge to start watching death note whilst having no prior interest and very little knowledge. so far im liking it tho, currently at episode 26, and if you havent guessed already my favourite character is misa;3 also getting back into snsd has been refreshing🪩

๋࣭⭑╰┈➤ im not sure when ill update this next, probably soon as i have a lot of time to do so, or whenever i get a random thought and have no where else to share it to🌝

🎧ྀི 사랑해 널 이 느낌 이대로, 그려왔던 헤매임의 끝

[hauntedotherworld]

i cant take it anymore. its too painful and i have nothing but suffering thats all i feel and its always been hopeless

i have NOTHING, no one at all to live for .. the one i lost i dont even .. i dont even know if i want her back, although i know we will never meet or talk ever agaib. its already been years. its hard when the person is your fp or.. ex fp.. the feelings that are overwhelming stay but at the same time i have so much anger and despair for what she did. i wish it never happened i had no control over it and i hate it, i HATE HER . SHES THE WORST and never cared like i did, even though we had such a strong bond.. to her it was normal friendship which by the end disapeared.. not for me. because my fucking fucked up head isnt like everyone elses and so im left all alome all i have is suffering, nothing will ever be good enough anymore. i doubt i could even feel that ever again.. i hate her too. i wish i never met her, because otherwise atleast i couldve not known what that felt like. to have an fp. someone who is the entire world for me and i couldnt do shit about it . all i can think of is memories and mourn it . but i also hate her and in one way do not care or wish to EVER meet her again- which again will never happen anyway.. i just feel so fucking empty and have forever but it gets worse the older i get. i cant feel ANYTHING FOR LIFE let alone others now. im living for no reason at all. every part of the day is just empty, void depression and deep bored and loneliness. nothing and no one can fill that anymire either, i knew that when i had gone to college (for a few months until i dropped out and left those great friends id made) because it didnt make me feel ok and i couldnt handle it , i left as always. so i never have anybody. and when i try and form a conmection with stra gers , just to feel sometthing - i feel absolutely nothing at all . nothing now. all i do id hate myself and stuck in my head.

i never want a family i dont care about love anymore or anything and all i feel is that deep empty, despairing feeling and its unBEARABLE .. every fucking day. all i can do is repeat that in my mind and breakdown because what else am i able to do except die? but aside from my anxiety about that, even dying doesnt sound good anymore.. because what will happen? i feel i wont go to heaven because i quit church because of the horrible _thing there. i dont really care abput anything.. except my dog but that isnt enough to make me able to get through when everythings missing and IT ALWAYS WILL BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. HAVE THIS MENTAL ILLNESS, BPD, AND MAJOR DEPRESSION WITH ANXIETY AND OTHER SHIT THAT RUINED EVERYTHING. ive tried SO hard. so fuckinh hard everyday its torture it always has been but its gotten worse to the point i can hardly think i just feel like an empty shell and the pain is like nothing else. i dont know whatll happen if i die, but whatever happens it should be better than this.. if not, i cant escape it itll come on its own if i dont. so i should just do it. no one cares anyway and i dont either

im just so heartbroken and what i fucking had to be and what my life hd to be. its not fair and nobody except others like me know what this is like.

i cant do it guys its harder and harder and i cant carry on i swear to god

[ankhisms]

have experienced what feels like 800 emotions in rapid succession on a rollercoaster today and it hasnt even really been a bad day honestly or anything im fine you know how it is

my mood swings have just been a lot stronger than they usually are since thats one of the biggest things my meds are for theyre like supposed to be a mood swing stabelizer but anyway

something that im aware is related to my more severe paranoia and obsessive compulsive issues but is less severe and more just adjacent to those is like being scared that im somehow a hypocrite about various random things or that im somehow secretly an awful horrible person who hurts people and does bad things without me even realizing that im doing that. im also aware that this very much stems from the way my abuser treated me and also the behavior of ""friends"" i had when i was younger who just now as im older i realize honestly didnt even like me and kept me around to make fun of me and be cruel to me together as a kind of group bonding thing.

which sucks because when im doing self soothing techniques and trying to calm myself down or even just approaching these thoughts and talking myself thru things it can be hard to counter the fear of "what if my friends or people i know in general actually talk together about how im an awful person and they hate me or talk together about how ive done something wrong without telling me?" with "no thats not fair or true and not based in reality" because it very much WAS reality for me. not in the sense of me having done something "wrong" in the past with those ""friends"" but like them being cruel to me and making fun of me when i wasnt around and the things i did ""wrong"" were just my autistic traits and other symptoms of my various mental things especially during that period of my life where i was completely unmedicated and had just gotten away from my abuser and was still in the awful school environment of being harrassed every single day.

anyway its really like. i know i shouldnt worry about this, rationally i know this. but just because i know something isnt rational it doesnt make my brain stop obsessively thinking about it so its like i could see someone saying "i hate when people go to the moon and jump up and down and sing the abcs" (ridiculous example bc i cant think of anything else) and i could at first go oh yeah i get that and like their post but then my brain will go but what if ive done that without realizing it and they see me liking their post and they go "ugh rey this post is about YOU and people like you and youre such a hypocrite and dont even know it" and the spiral begins. and in the end i guess all of this just goes to show that having people pretend to be friends with you only to hate you and ridicule you and pick apart every little thing you do behind your back really fucks you up.

also thinking about the ex close friend who cut me off out of nowhere with no explanation for seemingly no reason about a year or so ago now and ive continued to have kind of taking off the rose tinted glasses moments where i loved and cherished this friend so much that i excused how shitty they treated me at different times. not at all saying they are or were a bad person or that there was any abuse going on or anything like that but im just realizing that we both come from dysfunctional abusive families and we both have our own physical and mental problems and so throughout our friendship we both mightve not made the best choices or couldve handled things better and im not exempt from that. but also i realized that he would not tell me if i had done something to upset him and it would be like a guessing game for me and would really stress me out and make me feel awful

and its like. now as im older i would want to be able to talk things out and understand what had happened and be able to apologize and work on doing better. and in general thats something i really try my best on like i think in the past i would really get stuck in obsessively overthinking in self analyzing and get into moral obsessive compulsive spirals that just ended up hurting myself more than helping me grow, and anyway i always want to be able to step back and look at myself and my actions and be willing to listen if someone tells me ive done something hurtful or that i need to re-examine my behavior and beliefs, i think im pretty good at listening to people about stuff like that and have gotten much better about not falling into those spirals i just mentioned and examining myself in smaller healthier doses

but at the same time i do really get worried that people just arent telling me that theyre upset with me or that ive done something wrong or hurt them in some way. i really just want to be a good friend to people and i dont want people to be scared of coming to me and talking with me if ive done something to hurt them or to just talk about things with me in general and i dont want people to think im so fragile and mentally fucked up that theyd be scared of upsetting me by telling me id done something hurtful and letting it fester instead. i dont want to hurt people i want to spend my life making people happy and helping people and being a good friend, thats what i want most out of my relationships in life overall. i want to make people feel content and happy and safe.

but idk i just get scared. please be honest with me be upfront with me be blunt with me even i know im traumatized but i wont shatter into a million pieces if you tell me youre upset with me ill appreciate you being honest about it and ill stop whatever it was i was doing or work on it. i know im bad with social cues bc of autism and if i misunderstand something or say something inappropriate/out of my lane due to this please just tell me yknow

i really hate that my brain is like this and that having been abused and mistreated in the past has made me struggle like this because i want to trust that people arent talking badly about me or angry with me secretly i dont want to be so paranoid i dont want people to feel like they cant be honest with me or that im made of glass and that ill shatter if they tell me theyre upset with me, i want to trust that the people in my life like me and dont secretly hate me and im really trying hard but paranoia isnt something i can just magically wave away yknow its something im probably going to be dealing with for most of my life and im always kind of scared that people are going to get tired of my paranoia

despite living in survival mode constantly i still love all the people in my life a lot and i just want everyone to be happy and safe and i always wish there was more i could do to help everyone and i want everyone to be able to thrive and to be living comfortably and have all their needs met and to get all the help they need i love everyone a lot i want everyone to be okay and yeah

have also been majorly overthinking about if i want to do something that im being vague about as i ramble about it which i know is silly and its not even like something bad or negative but i just keep overthinking about the possible what if scenarios of oh what if i do this and they react really badly and cut me off and never want to talk to me again and due to this im also unfortunately like overthinking most things recently and being even MORE scared than usual of coming off as weird or being weird and making people uncomfortable but aint that just the way yknow. ill either do it or ill be a coward

anyway besides that my days been pretty decent its a lovely early autumn day. after typing this all i realized im probably feeling super emotional and weird because i just started my period lmao but thanks if you read this i love u mwah

[iraliira]

Life update

22/08/23

This past week has been better because my life is starting to fall back into place. Although its going slowly, its comforting to know that im doing better both mentally and physically.

This week i managed to prove to myself that im capable of fufilling my own promises to myself and im becoming better at self discipline. And the more i do it, the more i feel confident about myself. Real confidence. Because before i had fake confidence and by fake i mean i made myself believe i was confident but in reality i was lying to myself so that i dont have to face my own miserable reality.

Here are the things that im doing:

1. I began to workout, its been difficult at first and im not doing it concistently but its a start and i am trying my best. So far i managed to complete a whole workout which was a great accomplishment and i was proud of myself.

2. I decided to practice fasting. Im following a pattern where i eat for 12 hours and fast for 36 hours. I am following this pattern in order to get my measurements down to about 34-23/22-35. And so far i managed to complete a 36 hour fast and whilst i was fasting i realised that i dont get hungry easily and its just that i eat out of boredom.

Fasting has a lot of benefits and this is a short-term diet since i am not fat and just out of shape and during my 12 hour eating pattern i can eat anything i want. I DON’T HAVE AN EATING DISORDER and im also fasting for the other benefits such as: autophagy, cognitive performance and other amazing benefits. And i have fasted before so i know what im doing. If you want to learn more watch this video.

3. I decided to read a book a week. For a number of reasons: i want to spend less time on social media, i want to increase my knowledge, i want to widen my vocabulary, i want to speak properly because even though english is my first language, i cant speak because i keep tripping over my words and mid sentance my brain goes blank.

Other things that ive been doing:

im watching my comfort show One Tree Hill and im soo close to finishing the show which is making me sad because i dont want to finish it. The show is my absolute favourite thing in the entire world. The characters in the show are relatable in a lot of ways and this show taught me that being a teenager can be confusing but its also fun because im learning and going through a lot of change

Also the cast are soo fine

I mean…

Lucas scott (chad micheal murray) is soo fine

Anyways, back in June, i did my GCSES which if you don’t know is some standerdised exam every 15-16 year old does in the uk, and i get my results this week Thursday. And im not nervous about the actual exam results, im more worried about meeting everyone at school again and seeing my “friends” again. Which im planning on cutting them off and im really really scared about it because i hate confrontation. But im going to do it for myself and i dont want to live a lie anymore. Its exhausting. So im going to say to them that i dont want to be friends with them anymore.

I personaly am sick and tired of letting other people around me dictating my life and controlling the type of person i should be because thats my job. All my life ive been trying to please everyone and not myself. I also am a shy person (according to literally everyone around me) but i believe that im not and im sick of being “quiet” and “introverted” like i cant even set boundries or stand up for myself. WHICH IS SOOO PATHETIC. So that has to change because this type of behavior prevents me from achieving many things in my life.

And im not a little girl anymore and my parents arent always going to be with me so i need to grow up and act grown. I really hope i change and i believe that i can because this summer i went abroad for vacation and i spoke a lot of people so i can.

I really need to believe that im not who i used to be and if i want to have my desired futrure, i need to act like my desired self.

Well thats all i’ve been doing so far and im starting to like this new version of me.

Thank you, ira

[kh4]

why are you on a twitter byf?

hi, youre actually not the first person to tell me this tonight! i Also have no idea why im on a blacklist. i want to clear some stuff up because i was told this three (3) times. i dont exactly like that i have to reply to this publicly because i dont even make personal posts but i think this whole thing is out of hand and has been for a while.

im putting this under a Read More because its long and im finally able to air out some of my feelings about the situation.

TLDR: devin has lurked and kept tabs on me for three years and its exhausting that i have to address it like this of all places. if you need proof or anything feel free to dm me.

this is soooo. okay so i met this person in 2019 from the best of my memory because ive been trying for about an hour to get onto my old blog but i cant remember the login at all, and she and i had done a few dms just about whatever. and then she wanted to make these two kin doubles who hated each other or something be friends again, please note we all shared the same kin, and stirred up some problems.

then, after this happened, her host (or she did? regardless she admitted that she was involved in the creation) had made a callout blog for one of them despite my attempt to steer this off from happening, and i was ignored. i think my last message to her directly, and im not kidding here, was in jan 2020 (three full years ago!).

after this i made the choice, for myself, to soft her on tumblr. i no longer wanted anything to do with the situation, i think kin drama is stupid and im sure it was more personal than kin things from what she had told me, but i had no intention of being involved further. or know any of these people. like at all. after i softed her, she made a post about taking a hiatus after she deleted the callout blog and thats it from what i know about her tumblr because it was deleted soon after iirc.

8 months later she tried to follow my twitter, and i recognized her. i considered it a lottt, but i really didnt want that kind of energy stirring up things again in my life because 2020 was an absolute fucking Disaster of a year enough. so i softed her from my twitter because of this for my own mental health.i havent had a direct message with her since early 2020.

i know nothing about her, her life, anything because i wanted as much distance from that whole situation as possible. i didnt get to know her well enough with her to call her my friend or anything, and everything that happened so soon after we did start talking really made me not feel like i wanted to be friends or get to know her better if this was her vibe. she has made posts about missing me, when i feel as though i never warranted the title of friend at all because she basically just vented to me a couple times before this started and i didnt and still dont have the energy to deal with that kind of person.

i have found out, however, she has fucking LURKED me likely for three years. shes posted about how ensemble stars reminds her of an ex friend (which, she didnt get to know me enough to be my friend, and its pretty obvious this post is about me because my special interest is ensemble stars) and i got into it in mid 2020 so she shouldnt possibly know i ever got into it without lurking me. its some creepy shit ill be honest with you.

she knew and made posts about how my psychotic ass had delusions about being w/ilbur ds-p from nov 2021- mid 2022 because i like. Was in a horrible state and related to how self destructive he was or whatever but i got better and got my life together and dont do that at all anymore. i dropped it and i have most terms blacklisted (and the series itself) because it reminds me of those racist assholes and also of a horrible time in my life im still recovering from.

i have no fucking clue how this could affect her or she would even know. seeing as this was wayyyyy beyond the time i knew her. however this proves she was lurking me to myself and people who know me personally… we're all insanely confused. shes had no reason to keep up with anything about me for three years and im pretty much sick of it haha. ive been quietly freaking out over how scary shes been acting about me and whatever idealized version of what or who i was she had assumed during the very short time i knew her because i didnt want to start anything.

thank you for reading this. i hope this stops soon because i dont want to keep dealing with something thats happened 3 years ago and it happened because i didnt even want to be involved in things. its just unfair and makes me feel insanely uncomfortable im still a hot topic for her even though she hasnt messaged me or anything since following my twitter and being softed. it makes me feel weird and its just weird to me.

[aamethyst000]

Another Late night May 5,24 - 3:07am

Even when i take my meds, i cant seem to sleep. so i think i may need those melatonin stuff, i think ill take them in gummy form. now that i have emulators downloaded, i think that is what ill use up my time for. Especially if i cant sleep. Change of subject, since i havent worked for a whole ass year now, i am just going to start looking for a job. at least, what i can do here in this small(ish) village (i say "ish" because, as ive been told on may occasions, we arent exactly "small" we have about 4200 and more while the other villages has way less than that). there isnt much to do, and i want to save up money to move and possibly visit my older brother who lives down south. since ive been planning this for years, i have been getting better at saving up my money. so far, the method i have been using is working now. i got less than i have hoped but it is way better than nothing (i definitely would have cried about having no savings). im just so worried about never having enough. since prices have gone up, it has been making me very hesitant about moving anywhere. owning is too expensive, renting is way out of my limit, even with one other roommate. it got to the point where i added another person to my personal plan to move down south. I dont mind it, since its my best friend. but i also have plans to move in with my brother too. whoc was my original plan; find an appartment and move in with him.

then, after my little brother graduates, he and i can save up and have him move in with us! i want that more than anything. Before this whole ordeal. i wanted to move in with my 2(two) childhood best friends. then shit happens in our own life, individually that is, like, it got so bad that we drifted apart and it is not even our own fault (or am i just making an excuse for us?). It sucks, but what can i do? one lives in the same village as i do and i hardly go to see her, the other lives in town and she, herself, doesnt go see anyone othere than her immediate family. shit got crazy during our teen years man, it isnt even funny.

anyway, i figured, since i cant fall asleep, il just use this time to rant/vent about whatever was on my mind. and it seems to be on the past, im trying to let that go but i cant, or rather, i dont want to. cause as much as i hated being that young and naive, and those shit happening to us and around us. there were good moments that over ride the bad in my life, and i am desperately clinging on to that hope and happiness i had before turning 13-14. and that is way too young to be left undiagnosed and depressed.

but who would believe a teenager actually being depressed? we were "attention seekers" and "trend follower" (to be very fair though, i really did try to follow a lot of trends in my life) there was even a moment where i went to this little convention event thingy that was going on in my village, and it was about suicide prevention. so, i decided to go, because if i wasnt going to get help from my own family, i may as well get it from somewhere else (i really was trying so hard to activly not look for bad habits to start on, one of them was already developing without me knowing or realizing...so). when i got there, and we got into a circle to introducing ourselves, open up and talk. the instructor said to talk about why some of us choose to go to that event, so when it was my turn. i talked about how i--

((((by the way, very strong TRIGGER WARNING!!!! talks about suicide attempt and possible eating disorder))))

--was feeling so alone and just so very lost and caged up because of my ex boyfriend, i sat there on my bed with scissors i grabbed from the kitchen and just stared at my arm. i didnt message anyone, or even write a letter. i just wanted out. i opened the scissors enough to make it easy to hurt myself, that part alone i was trying to figure out how i should do it. that thought did scare me at the time but it does now, holy shit. anyway, i made the decision and then, like a movie theatre, memories of both my brothers played in my head, their smiles and laughter loud and clear for me. like someone was there just waiting for the right moment to show me them, who ever they were, im glad and thankful. because at the very lowest moment of my life, i was already struggling with my eating habits. there was no inbetween for me. i either ate a lot, enough to be "teased" about looking or "being preggo" which is sick by the way when your teasing a literal MINOR (12 through 17) about being pregnant. like, why would you even do that? anyway, it wasnt my family that unintentionally helped me develop those bad eating habits. it was my friends and me comparing myself to every girl and characters out there.

i didnt care that it was a bad thing to get into at the time, to me, i was surrounded by girls that were skinnier than me, or, who i thought were skinnier than me. ive seen photos that my family and friends took of me, i cannot believe that i ever thought i was ever fat, ever, but i guess thats what low self esteem and bad comparisons does to you. i mustve been looking through foggy mirrors how dysphoric(???) i fucking felt. it was so bad that most days i choose to either have one meal or throw that plate away in my own garbage bag and just have a toast for my first "meal". i didnt care about the calories i was eating up, or lack therof, like raw ichiban, dry cereal, or just popcorn, and on "good days" i let myself have pop and chips with my first meal which is usually dinner time. it made a bigger effect on me when my little brothers dad decided to act like a total bitch and not get any proper groceries and just get chicken nuggets, ichiban, cereal, hot dogs, milk, and rice.

so, i forgot to mention, but i was 16 when all of this was overwhelming me and when i nearly took my own life. i didnt tell this story as detailed as i did while in the circle, but as soon as i finished, feeling (while it was very short lived) lighter after i told my reasoning, you know what i heard? on my right, this elder lady: *snickers* "im sorry, i didnt mean to laugh, but i think that was cute. that was all?" i didnt hear the rest because i was ready to cry again. how can you say that? i shut down for the rest of my time there. i dont remember how long that event went, but i knew from there on, not to ever open up here in the village. ever. mind you, there were other servivors who talked about their own stories in their own ways but why was i laughed at? How in the ever loving fuck is what i almost did "cute"? how was my story not made a big deal just like the others? i wish i knew but that fucking hurt like hell.

((((END of TRIGGER WARNING))))

wow. i did not think that this would be a big post (journal entry) but here we are. im not going to lie, im still feeling iffy about posting this. or if i want to delete that whole section and just say " id rather not go into detail about my...." idk what else to call it other than my lowest point. i dont know what else to write about so i am going to get ready for bed and see if i can fall asleep after having a toke. cause right now, it is currently 4:16am and i want to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight, or at least try to. hopefully i feel better after writing this out and sleeping on this. we shall see tomorrow.

good night.

[blackvail22]

9/22/23 — 1:20am

i hate wanting to be productive in the middle of the night. i was tired all day tdy, and now i just want to do something productive. no!!! i work earlier than usual tomorrow!!!!

im doing my skincare now... i wore makeup tdy so i have no choice but to do it 🤯

im tired still but i dont want to sleep. i feel like i havent been productive enough tdy even though i went to 3 different appointments and within the 2 hours before work i cleaned my bathroom sink (that was incredibly disgusting, i am not exaggerating. no one has cleaned it in like a little over a year. my dad shaves his face there whenever it gets like 5 inches long and doesnt clean the hair out of the sink/on the counter. its gross.), made ramen (it wasnt v good).... at work i walked around almost the whole 6 hours. my feet hurt so!! bad!! after i work. it happens every time. it doesnt help that when i fell down my stairs, my "sprained" foot didnt heal properly. i also hurt my hand at work and have not seen a doctor .... im ngl im like a mess and if i tell anyone abt this theyll tell me its because im fat and need to lose weight WE GET IT. I KNOW. IM TRYING, AND JUST BECAUSE I AM DOESNT MEAN THAT I CANT HAVE SMTH WRONG WITH ME?????

anyways

im tired. like mentally and physically. i had counseling tdy and i told her everything and the time still wasnt full. she shared some things abt her life recently... still didnt fill the time. she didnt respond much at all, but she's grieving, so i understand

im not telling anyone except u and my digital diary about my situation with my ex... i need to stop complaining to people abt him and making it everyones problem when its really my fault i keep letting him back in my life. its bad! ive literally had dreams where he did that *thing* but like in an extremely worse way, and i told myself that i just had to live with it, that i have to get used to it. and, i mean, i guess i do... if i can *** ***** then he can do whatever.

im not even with him... just flirting heavily. he picks up on it, i think so, anyway....

im tired

i saw that u updated ur music playlist you sent to me recently ! so heres a song for u in return

2:51am

idk why it pisses me off so bad but when b says shes ugly it makes me so angry. "why cant i be like the pretty girls?" she is the definition of a pretty girl... she may not see it because people were mean to her growing up but its like... ive cried SO much because of how pretty she is. my parents call her the pretty girl, people at school say shes pretty all the time... it just makes me so upset that someone as pretty as her cant see it. and i wish she could, honestly.

and i hate that this makes me so angry. i have so much envy that it rips me apart every second of the day, and i hate it!!!!! im the fat, ugly friend, and i always felt bad for her being friends with me. she says that im one of the prettiest ppl she knows.... if that were true, would she have deleted all the photos of me off of her phone? who knows. and the fact that people compliment her all the time at school and in public should say A LOT about how pretty she is. it happens all the time! and i mean all the time. maybe she doesnt think it was genuine or she forgets? idk... i think the last time a stranger complimented my appearance was a year and a half ago at a taco bell drive thru. the last time i was called pretty (besides when my mom says it) was at leastt 6 months ago. im like distraught because she is literally so beautiful fuck

this is going to make me cry myself to sleep because i cant say any of this to her because this is really just unhealthy of me, like the envy and making me seem like the victim. it just makes me so upset that everyone thinks shes pretty but herself

yeah im def crying myself to sleep gn i work in 11hrs which sounds like a long time from now but i havent slept yet lol

3:16am

ok i lied i messaged her and said "i saw you commented "i wish i was one of the pretty girls" on a tiktok, and i really need you to know that you are the pretty girl. youre so incredibly beautiful not only on the outside but the inside too... it can be rare to find someone like that. i hope youre able to see yourself through my eyes someday and see yourself for what you truly are—beautiful"

i hope it doesnt come off weird

ok i cried and messaged her i should rlly just sleep now

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i just journalled about it but im still kinda irritated. like i genuinely think that youre just annoyed at me for trying to have my life together, for having work and doing uni and that our parents are happy about that. its not really my fault that i made that choice? like its not my fault youre insecure about that. in the samr way its not your fault im insecure about my social life. hm. interesting

im still going to resent you for that. i dont really know how to stop it. maybe my psych could help with that.

idk

little things bother me. like you being fine being friendly with my ex because its 'just the way you are' well me being argumentative and temperamental is JUST THE WAY I AM. but god forbid i get (rightfully) annoyed at you for being flakey and unreliable, and i am so fucking evil for that. are you serious?

ive been like this forever and now all of the sudden you cant handle it. okay fine. fine. the last few months ive been slowly coming to terms with the fact that our relationship is going to have to have a massive shift. like massive in the fact that it cant really exist anymore. its not possible for us to be close without us both getting seriously triggered and upset at the other. so we stop hanging out and talking as much and its solved. literally how gross and pathetic, like all those toxic siblings we hear about and feel bad for.

ideally i could just move out and i wont have to deal with any of your weird energy at all. but its just so annoying being at home, even when we dont really see eachother or even talk, because your constant avoidant energy just seeps out everywhere. i notice it because youre always so quick to rush out and get away from the house. like we all fucking get it, you hate us all and dont wanna be around us. grow tf up. learn how to communicate your problems with people and cop the reaction from it. i learnt a long time ago.

its funny cause the more you try to avoid something, the more that problem grows. you dont want me to be angry and irritated at you, and the fact that youre avoiding makes me more irritated. you do realise that, right? i mean, i told you. i thought we made a breakthrough but youre still acting like a child.

is that why? do you feel like a child? do you feel immature because of what im doing with my life? is that the insecurity for you?

its annoying for me to have to sit here and overanalyse shit because you fail to communicate this stuff with me. i tried to have an adult conversation with you and you get so uncomfortable and avoidant. for the first time i feel like the therapist.

remind me to never trust your advice again. remember what happened with the taurus? to be fair you helped me confront the issue with him. but he completely gaslit me and you were like yea hes right, you were in the wrong. girl?

atp i have to treat myself as an only child now. because i certainly cant come to you with anything anymore. its not like youd come to me! and im actually open and trying to be here for you. how sad is that. its actually so sad. like the fear of abandonment do be coming true and it really do be the ones closest to you. and how is it always the youngest? the same thing happened with con and maeve. like how could you just dog your family like that.

i was and still am genuinely concerned that shes falling into a depression again but im just gonna put faith in and pray to god that her friends are actually there for her and providing her with the love and support she needs (if that was the case). at the very least she has her friends.

and back to square one for me. i have me myself and i, like always.

the thing i need to work on is being more appreciative of her, and the little things she does to be there for me. even if its not what i want or need or asked for. i have to grateful. i am grateful for my sister. i will put my pride aside and be the bigger person like i was earlier today. i know i hurt her and im sorry and i am grateful for her making time for me in her busy busy life. think about the slay it girls kylie and kendall. it took them till their mid 20s to reach a stable place as sisters. perhaps it will just take some more time.

its worth the wait. (thanks chan)

[skiasurveys]

Do you feel guilty? if yes, why so?

yeah, I think its from my trauma.

Has someone you cared about moved recently?

yes, my best friend

Do you know the band DiscoToTheStars? If you like Nickasaur, NeverShoutNever, shit like that, you should look them up.

I remember them but never cared for them

Are you trying hard in life?

yes.

Do you need to brush your teeth?

yes, ty for reminding me

Does your tongue hurt?

Nope

Where are you?.

Sitting in my bed, filling out this survey.

Are you sad?

when am i not lmao

Do you like xbox?

i used too but now im kinda more into nintendo switch, or ps. i havent rly gamed in a long time beside sims.

Do you eat peanut butter?

yup

How many fingers do you have?

i have ten

Will you be mad at me if i don’t make this survey very long?

short is sometimes better

Does your tummy hurt?

no

Who do you sit with at lunch?

by myself lol i work from home

Were you wrong all along?

i was about my ex

Have you seen “Ferrets” on YouTube?.

nope

I fucking hate Rihanna, do you?

help..this is so aggressive. I don't hate her, i dont have any opinion on her.

Are you the only person awake right now?

nope

Do you feel alone?

i feel like I do because I work/school from home, a lot of my friends have moved, or are busy with life, so yeah.

Are you itchy?

im always so itchy, idk why

Do you need to wash your face?

nope, I already did.

Do you want animals when you grow up? .

technically i am a grown up..and i want more. I have one cat, and I wanna adopt another.

Do you have an annoying old grandmother?

nah, I love her.

What year are you taking this?

2023.

Do you think the world will end in 2012?

oh this is DATED.

What’s your name?

skia

Are you eating chicken?

not atm

Do you have pubic hair?

i do, but I need to wax soon

What’s your favorite flavor ice-cream?

mint, or vanilla

Have you made a survey before?

yes, but havent in a long time.

What’s the nearest rainbow object around you?

i dont think I have any near me.

Do you have a phone? i don’t.

Its an Iphone 11 Pro Max

Who are you dating? Wanna tell me about them?

mentally pedro pascal

How would you like to kill someone?

i-

Do you like to wear clothes?

yes, I actually HATE being naked.

Are you happy?

...Im content atm

Pencils or markers?

pencils

Do you draw, or sing?

I draw

Don’t you hate hangnails?

god yes..i have one atm

What kind of surveys do you like?

random or deep ones

Have you ever gave someone a hand/blow job? Received one?

i have given one, and ive been fingered but i dont have a dick so i havent had a hand job lmao

Did it snow for you on Christmas?

i dont think it snowed on christmas

What’s the date?

feb 20/23

Do you feel like a stalker?

Lol no, but sometimes I check ppls socials

Do you read FML, MLIA, OMGFACTS, etc?

oh I used too a long ass time ago

Are you hungry?

Not really

What’s your worst fear?

ending up alone

What’s your favorite pattern?

i dont have one

Do you shop at Hot Topic?

i used too, but I havent been there in years lol

What’s your favorite song?

i cant ever answer this

[bisexualaliennut]

I hate the way I feel right now. My boyfriend told me he feels depressed and is missing to days of work. The last time he did this we broke up because he was depressed and said being in a relationship made him feel depressed and that he wanted to see other people. As of recently we were in an open relationship and I told him two days ago I could not do it anymore. Ever since then ive been happy while he’s stayed home and complained about his stomach. I tend to look too into things and because I cant express to him that I am nervous he is not happy because I took away the open relationship I a feeling stuck, sad and alone. I am curious why I feel like this when he tries to do everything he can to make me happy as of recently. I asked him why hes depressed and he blamed it on his head and his stomach. I just feel so unsettled and nervous about the relationship in general that any differences in personality I immediately blame it on myself which I know is not right. It took a lot of courage to tell him that I did not want to do the open relationship anymore. I could not stop thinking about him with another woman and it upset me. I wish I could be more independent and not have other people affect me so much. He is the first man I feel like I truly loved. I told him I loved him in July and he still has not said it back, the thought upsets me everyday. The breakup heavily affected my mental health. A lot of things have happened to me this year and that was the tip of the iceberg. When we got back together I thought I was going to feel better, he has felt great and I have felt like shit. He has been so happy and he said its because he cares about me so much but thats hard to believe since the moment I offered the open relationship is when he got more happy with me. I feel bad because I am being passive agressive because not being able to be your full self with someone is really hard.  I am getting my period too which is making me even more emotional and this month has just truly sucked. I hate school. I cant stand going there sometimes because i have no friends there anymore. I have transferred schools twice went back to the original. I wish I had more people to lean on but I pushed everyone away and lost so many friends because of my ex boyfriend who would make me push people away. During this time of year I sometimes miss him but just the nostalgic of it. I hate having so much on my mind and not being able to be open to the person that I am with in fear that it will be “too much” for them or they will leave. My ex made me feel like I am impossible to love and my boyfriend breaking up with me has made me feel like I am easy to leave behind. I feel so insecure and I wish this feeling would end because it feels constant. I have never been depressed so consistently for so long. I thought yesterday I was feeling better but as today went on I could feel myself crumbling again. I could feel myself wanting to runaway from myself and wishing I could start the day over. I wish I could be that person that never thought about anything. I wish I could just live my day. 

[randombubblegum]

oh my godddd i always forget grace leaked the fandom tracklist and every time i re-remember it i’m just like AHHHH the rage i feel on behalf of awsten is so strong. like your ex girlfriend who is fucking your best friend gets on her livestream to the followers she only has bc shes fucking your best friend and LEAKS THE THING YOUVE PUT SO MUCH WORK INTO FOR X AMOUNT OF MONTHS like i can’t even IMAGINE. to be a fly on the wall during that conversation with awsten and otto after it happened. bc didn’t awsten tweet&delete something right after that was along the lines of “don’t forgive someone on my behalf bc i am still angry” or something??? and like you just KNEW it was bc otto was like “oh bby grace it’s okay honey it was a mistake” while awsten was FUMING

NO BECAUSE ^^^^ ALL OF THIS COSIGNED FR……. it is absolutely INSANE the way she continues to cling to parx for relevance and free clout when awsten has made extremely clear over and over again that he is NOT okay with it and frankly for good fucking reason???? like i am SO FURIOUS on his behalf over this LOL i have my moments where i think awstens out of line but this is not one of them. like gr*ce is a fucking nutjob and i cannot believe shes been allowed to get away with doing this THIS LONG especially when she and everyone else knows damn well what she pulled w otto. imagine not only having to still deal with all that bc shes still fucking the best friend she hooked up with behind your back shes ALSO still clinging to ur work and brand for free clout bc shes too lazy to actually do her own content anymore but cant stand not having attention. sickening.

also DID HE? that sounds super familiar actually im 99% sure ive heard that before……. i wasnt around when it happened but i DO know she immediately tweeted all this like….insanely immature unhinged pity party shit like “you think i fucked up? you hate me? you could never hate me as much as i hate MYSELF” and continued throwing a tantrum until finally deleting her twitter to avoid the heat. el oh el. its especially bad when you remember how SERIOUSLY awsten takes any leaking of his plans or fucking with his info release schedule? like he went absolutely haywire when equal vision leaked entertainment (and dd?) stuff too early. he even put a whole ass FAKE TRACKLIST into the website code for fandom!!!! and then gr*ce comes and does this and fucks with his art she shouldnt even still be mentioning much less trying to attach herself to.

i know some parxies were trying to comfort this grown ass woman telling her it wasnt her fault and everyone makes mistakes blah blah which i assume awstens tweet was about but if it was actually bc of otto…… yeesh. YEESH. i know awsten was absolutely furious like not a joke LIVID over it too. i think otto put his foot down after that and set perhaps SOME boundaries with her bc she never puts him in her lives anymore buuuuut clearly not enough if shes out here in 20fucking22 opening question boxes for new parx teasers like she has any business doing that! :)

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twelve

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: this took so long bc ive been reading chain of iron and in general agonizing over things i cant control instead of being productive 🥴 that being said, absolutely none of the events in this chapter were planned in my outline, but here we are with something new!

***

December brings more snow and bone chilling weather, to the point where Cassian has to drag Nesta out of bed, either physically or by phone call, to get her to therapy appointments on time. 

She’s in the waiting room one freezing morning when, in her utter boredom, she musters up the nerve to turn to the girl sitting next to her. “What are you in here for?”

The girl blinks her large blue eyes, taking notice of Nesta for the first time. Nesta uses the opportunity to take in her freckle-painted face, a little wan but beautiful. Reddish brown hair hangs around her face and shoulders, creating a thick curtain from the rest of the world, and Nesta’s curiosity piques like she’s just found a shiny new toy.

It probably isn’t right to compare people to toys, but then the girl says, “This isn’t prison, you know.” Her voice is deep, almost sultry— completely at odds from her huddled-in posture and sickened expression. “I didn’t commit a crime to have to be here.”

Is she insulted by Nesta’s question, or is she poking a joke? Nesta decides to play it safe by murmuring, “Sorry, never mind.”

She starts to turn away when the girl says, “We’re trying a new type of trauma therapy today. I had to get here half an hour early because I couldn’t swallow my nerves.”

Nesta might lack many social skills, but she isn’t stupid enough to ask what kind of trauma the girl is being treated for. Instead, she nods casually as if she understands the struggle. “I’ve been coming here for weeks now and I’ve barely discussed shit. That’s mostly on me, but you know…” She actually doesn’t know where she’s going with her train of thought. “It sounds brave to do whatever you're doing,” she states finally. “I don’t think I’ll be able to open up that much about myself, ever.” 

The girl gives Nesta a weird look that she immediately recognizes. Nesta uses it every time she doesn’t know how to respond to someone who takes her by surprise.

The door to Lana’s office clicks open, and the woman herself pokes her head out with a plain smile. “Ready, Nesta?”

Nesta bites down on her frown. She has a feeling today won’t be as easy as her past sessions.

She’s about to leave without another glance at the girl beside her when that low voice speaks up. “I’m Gwyn.”

Nesta looks back at her as she gets up from her chair, and says the first reply that comes to mind: “Good to know.”

***

Nesta is contemplative hours after she gets back from her therapy session, bundled up in her bed with a coloring book. The repetitive motion of filling in the mandala drawing lets her mind wander, picking up and dropping different thoughts like she’s inspecting stones. 

She keeps her wrist light as she colors in with red. She finally said Tomas’s name in therapy today, though the action left a slimy feeling in Nesta’s stomach that lingers even now. She also spoke about her sisters, which somehow ended up leading to a discussion of her uterus. 

“How have you been dealing with the endometriosis news?”

Nesta shrugged. “I’m getting treated, and my last period was more bearable than usual—”

“I mean mentally, how are you doing? With how your condition could affect your future?”

Nesta narrowed her eyes. “Affect me how?”

“Have you never considered the impact it could have on your ability to bear children?”

“Not everything in life is about bearing children, you know.”

“We’re humans. It’s definitely something to consider.”

“Not for me. I’ve never wanted kids.” A mistruth at best. “I don’t care what endo does or doesn’t do to me on those grounds.”

In a way, Nesta told herself, the health risks were actually for the best. If she ever did, by some stupid loss of sanity, try to have children, then her body would act as a safety net from her decisions.

Lana only said, “You’ll never know how much you care or don’t care until you talk out your feelings.”

“Then I guess we’ll never know.”

Nesta lets the memory of that conversation drop like a stone on a shore. That’s not something she has to face for a good long while. No, right now she has to face her past. 

Her sisters, and her ex, and even her father— 

I wonder if I came off too strong with Gwyn today. 

Her hand stops drawing, and she switches out her red marker for an orange one. This thought she doesn’t mind inspecting for a little longer: she and Gwyn ended up leaving their sessions at the same time, which meant they were forced into stilted conversation on the way down to the parking lot. 

Not forced, Nesta self-corrects. She willingly initiated a conversation, and it didn’t go terribly. She wonders if making friends in therapy waiting rooms is a real thing.

Her phone vibrates beside her, breaking her hours-long mental bubble. Blinking dazedly, she answers the phone call.

“How are you?” is the first thing Cassian says to her. He makes sure to ask her that at least twice a day, like a gauging of her temperature. It makes Nesta wonder what she’s ever done in her life to call for such… attention to her well-being. 

“I’m good,” she answers honestly. “My head’s a little loud right now, but I don’t mind it.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No, I’d rather hear you talk.” She slumps back against her pillows, coloring book forgotten. “What’s up?”

“Ah...” Cassian sounds hesitant for the first time since their relationship started. “It’s just that I haven’t gotten my Christmas decorations up yet, and I was going to ask if you wanted to help.”

Nesta takes a moment to absorb his words. “It’s December fifth,” she says.

“Yeah?”

“You just seem like somebody who does their decorations the day after Thanksgiving.”

“Well, this year is a little different, with you moving out and being busy with school…” He pauses. “I was waiting to do it with you.”

When she doesn’t reply, Cassian adds, “I don’t even know if you care about Christmas. I know you and your family sort of ignored holidays. It’s fine if you don’t want to—”

“I’ll be over right now,” Nesta blurts. 

Half an hour later, Cassian swings open his door with a smug grin on his face; a vast difference from the stammering hesitance he displayed over the phone earlier. Nesta’s own lips want to pull up into a smile just at the sight of him, but she holds back and narrows her eyes instead. “What’s got you so worked up?” she questions as she steps into the warmth of the cabin and out of the freezing cold.

“The way you ran over here as soon as I asked.” He looks her up and down, still amused. “You didn’t even bother to change, did you?”

It’s true: she’s in the same sweatpants and long sleeved tee she wore around home, and her socked feet are shoved into slippers. 

“Get that smirk off your face.” Nesta flicks his nose before tossing her coat off. “If this is a competition about who’s got a bigger puppy-crush for whom, you already won when you delayed putting up your Christmas decorations for me.”

“Fair enough,” he grins. The words send an unexpected pang through Nesta, because it’s partly true, isn’t it? He cares more openly for her than she does for him. 

She looks away in guilt, not knowing how to fix the imbalance. Her eyes land on the living room coffee table, where their half-finished jigsaw puzzle sits. It’s been stored under the couch for the past few weeks, forgotten by Nesta and Cassian alike as they moved on with their lives, but now it’s sitting out again.

“Have you been working on the puzzle without me?” She raises an inquisitive brow, about to feel— hurt.

“Never,” Cassian promises, saving her from that irrational hurt. “I just brought it out because I figured we should get to finishing it one day.”

She pads over to the table, picking up a puzzle piece and turning it over in her hand. “I don’t know if you remember, but we had a terrible time working on this,” she scoffs lightly.

“Oh, I remember,” he says, coming up behind her and stealing the piece from her grasp. “I think it’s safe to say those evenings were the worst fights we’ll ever have together.”

Nesta leans back against Cassian’s chest and hums. “It made us a stronger couple, don’t you think?” She turns her head up and back to meet Cassian’s eyes, finding that he’s already looking down at her.

Hypnotized, she leans into his warmth. She only manages to land the smallest kiss against his lips when his hand squeezes her ass cheek. “You’re here for a job, remember?” He taps her butt before pulling away, gesturing to the Christmas tree in the corner of the living area with his chin. It stands bare. “You do tinsel, I’ll do lights.”

Tinsel is harder to work with than Nesta remembers. She only manages to get half the tree done before plopping onto the Persian rug, exhausted and covered in silvery material. She doesn’t mind laying there while Cassian continues working; it’s her revenge for when he napped on her bed while she moved in.

“You know the stair railings still need to be wreathed, Archeron.”

Nesta declines to respond, tilting her head on the carpet for a better view of her boyfriend’s ass instead. “All this decorating,” she starts. “Is it just for you?”

Cassian turns to her, surprised. “Well…”

She pushes up onto her elbows, catching her mistake. “Are we doing Christmas together? Or are your friends coming over?” She hasn’t bothered to celebrate Christmas in years now, and she doesn’t care much what Cassian’s plans are either way.

“I was hoping for both?” He sounds hesitant. “Christmas Eve is all the way over in Velaris, but I was thinking we could go together, open some presents, and come back and spend Christmas here.”

Nesta purses her lips. She doesn’t actually hate that plan. Both Feyre and Elain have been pestering her with the annual texts asking her to visit for Christmas, and for once, she feels like responding to them. The invitation is more of a formality than an actual request at this point; she doubts her sisters want her there after years of rejections, but… what’s the harm?

“Is that a yes?” Cassian asks at her unreadable face.

“Yes,” she states unflinchingly. She refuses to overthink the possible consequences of this choice and chooses to focus on the broad grin overtaking Cassian’s face. “Really?” he says.

“But there has to be rules.” Nesta sits up fully now. “No one can know we’re together, no matter how much you trust or love them.”

“We already agreed to that, baby.”

Yes, but Nesta knows the secret weighs on him heavier than he shows— even if he agrees with her that it's for the best. “It’ll be different when we’re together in the same room as everyone else,” she says. Cassian wears his beating heart on his sleeve, and she doesn’t think he’s ever had to hide it before.

“You’ll also be different,” she adds. “It’s a huge change of pace.”

Cassian drops the remaining strand of lights and smiles confusedly down at her. “What do you mean, I’ll be different?” He sits across from her, before the blazing fire. 

“You know how you get around your friends.” Nesta shrugs without a thought. “Like your personality readjusts to mirror the people around you. I used to find it a mix of sad and adorable, like a neglected puppy desperate for love, but now I— okay, I still feel the same way.” She waves a hand in a dismissive gesture.

By the look on Cassian’s face, he does not find her words so easily dismissed. 

Coldness curdles in the pit of Nesta’s stomach, the realization that she’s said something wrong. She can’t fix it until she knows where she fucked up, though.

“Is that what you think of me?” Cassian finally says lowly. His usually expressive mouth is drawn tight and narrow. 

“Um… What would you rather I think of you?”

His eyes widen in disbelief. “Seriously, Nesta?”

Nesta’s back stiffens, refusing to cower. “I only described what I’ve observed in the past.”

“And what you observed was a desperate puppy?” His voice is cold in a way she’s never heard before.

Okay, she’s starting to see how that might be offensive. She forges onward, “Tell me what you think about yourself in the presence of your family, then.” It’s a private victory that she says family instead of clown circus. But she’s not trying to turn this into a fight.

Cassian is silent, but his stare continues to rage at her.

“Tell me,” Nesta repeats.

His hands curl into fists on the rug. “I think I’m empathetic, easy to talk to, and easier to be around. Is it a problem if I’m likable?” Unlike you are the unsaid words.

Nesta inspects the space between them like it’s a chessboard. “And what part of yourself are you giving up to be so likable, Cassian?” she says quietly.

“Nothing.”

Nesta disagrees, if only because she’s been watching him out of the corner of her eye for years. “I think you base your personality off of those you love, and you lose a little bit of your true self every time you put others’ needs before your own.” 

She shuts her mouth, not having expected such honesty to come out of it. Cassian is taken aback, too, she can tell.

“And I guess it’s natural that you’d see all of that as a bad thing, considering your history of being closed off and self-serving to a fault,” he fires back with the flatness Nesta utilizes so often.

One for one. Fair enough. “We’re both right then,” Nesta says. “You work for your best friend because you have no ambition beyond serving your family, and I have no such family because I can’t bring myself to care about those things. Are we even now?”

Cassian furrows his brows, those defensive walls melting away as he realizes she’s completely serious. “What? No, Nes—” He shakes his head. “Okay, so maybe you’re right about me. Maybe I agree with you a little bit, but… If we see flaws in each other, then we should be working to overcome them instead of weaponizing them.”

Now Nesta’s the one shaking her head, quickly lifting a hand to stop him. “Relax there, sweetheart. I have no expectations from you or myself to go on some self-improvement journey now that we’re together. Talking about my feelings with a professional every week is hard enough.” Yes, agreeing to go to Feyre’s Christmas party is improvement. Slow, barely there improvement, but enough to wear her out for the rest of the month. For Nesta to fully let people into her life, to treat them as lovingly as she treats Cassian— that’s a long way away. She can’t envision it, doesn’t even know if she wants it.

Cassian must understand some of what she’s thinking, because he nods and backs off. He gets back up and returns to stringing lights, tossing a handful of tinsel at Nesta as if to say Get back to work. 

She stands and obeys, thinking their not-argument is officially over when Cassian says, “You’re wrong about one thing.”

She looks up from where she threads tinsel through fir leaves. He doesn’t take his eyes off his work as he says, “You do have a family. And deep, deep down, you care about them as much as I care about mine.”

***

Nesta catches Emerie’s eye as the dark-haired beauty walks into the pub. Raising a hand and waving, she gestures Emerie over to the booth she’s sitting in. 

“Look what I found,” Nesta says with a hint of pride, pointing to the redhead sitting beside her. “A third girl for girl’s night!”

“I was kidnapped,” Gwyn speaks up. “Jumped on the way to my car.” She’s out of her usual hoodie and in a tight-fitting blouse, looking stunning even while seeming out of place in the dim bar.

“She came here consensually,” Nesta retorts. “Emerie, this is Gwyn. We met at therapy.”

Gwyn offers Emerie an awkward smile.

Emerie slides into the booth across from them with raised brows. She looks between Nesta and the new girl and back again. “You invited her here? All by yourself?” she asks.

Nesta nods firmly.

Emerie breaks into a wide grin and reaches over the table to grab Nesta’s hand. “I’m so proud of you!” If Emerie were anyone else, she’d be squealing in excitement, but Emerie does not squeal.

Nesta waves off her friend’s praise, though a part of her wants to beam at it, too.

Gwyn glances between the two of them with slight amusement. “I mean, it’s not that impressive,” she says. “She came on a bit too strong, probably a five out of ten on the asking-someone-out scale.”

“‘A bit too strong’ is all you’re gonna get with Nesta,” Emerie says, lifting her hand to order drinks. “She’s all-or-nothing, and most people would pray she doesn’t give them her nothing.”

Nesta doesn’t know if that’s a compliment, but she supposes there are worse things that could be said about her.

“So, Gwyn, what do you do?” Emerie leans forward. “All our friends are law students and it’s starting to get boring.”

Gwyn goes off about her librarian job as Nesta orders their drinks, and Emerie rests her chin in her hand and listens eagerly. Christmas music plays softly in the background and snow flurries gently outside. Nesta thinks she can’t be doing that bad in life, if she’s managed to carve out this little slice of happiness for herself.

***

a/n: i promise shit actually happens next chapter! we're getting christmas with nessian and the ic in the same room for the first time

taglist: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson

[awsugar]

lol I feel you about dating apps. I have really really horrible anxiety about putting pictures of myself online (I literally only post selfies on my priv Instagram and only let close friends follow it) I’ve had this anxiety ever since I was 16 and im 24 now and still have it so I doubt it’s going away (and frankly in our current era of stealing ppls photos and deepfakes and shit I don’t even think it’s that paranoid tbh) so it’s basically impossible for me to use dating apps but it’s so hard to meet people once you’re out of college that I feel like I will have to use them one day unfortunately :/ but I mean, there’s literally a tinder subreddit where people post people’s profiles, that’s so anxiety inducing and people don’t even consent to be posted on there……idk it’s such a nightmare especially for me but I don’t see an alternative. I wish we lived in a world where irl interaction was more encouraged but unfortunately I see things going even more online post-covid

ahh ok see i dont really have any issue with putting pics of myself online but i do have anxiety about the pics of yourself part of it bc literally every photo of me from the past however many years is just a selfie i took in my bed. i literally cant start using a dating app until i have pics of me that dont have my rolling stones and fob posters behind me lmao. i understand your fear though, especially having your profile reposted somewhere and made fun of like. that would be sooooo horrible and life ruining to me. i dont think anyone wants to make deepfakes of me but i guess its a possibility.

it really is SO hard to meet people unless you already have friends who introduce you to people though. i had a falling out with my two irl best friends in early 2019 and them plus their family members/friends were the only people i hung out with so when we werent friends anymore i literally had no one, and no one to introduce me to new people obviously.

i feel like a lot of people meet partners and friends at work, i mean one of my exes i met because he was my manager. but ive been back to work since june and i talk to people at work and im friendly but i havent met anyone yet who is around my age and wants to hang out or anything. i think everyone thinks im a fucking weirdo lmao.

but i agree with you, i totally hate that we have to use apps to meet people not or we're screwed. im like that asap yams tweet. my swag cant truly blossom on imessage. i feel like it works way better when you're forced to be around someone cause you work together or go to school together and then you like become friends and then start flriting and develop a relationship naturally. it feels so awkward to me to like start messaging someone, KNOWING that the intent is to make them like me. idk. just not my preferred method. and you're right about covid pushing it further in that direction. ugh i hate it :(

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw for mentions of abandonment, trauma

hi friends, kinda just looking for some reassurance/advice if thats ok!

ive been in a relapsed state for a while now and yesterday i hit my lowest point because of how little support ive had since it started (this is no one's fault but my own and i accept this, i should add). i snapped at some friends of mine who were just trying to be nice and said what i really feel which probably isnt even true to reality anyway. im in the process of sending apologies to everyone that got caught up in it but i cant help but feel ive just sealed the deal and everyone i know just hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

i totally understand people arent obligated to put up with me when im acting out but the only reason im doing this is just... because as much as i want friends of mine to care about me, the mortifying ordeal of being known is a thing and i have really bad trauma surrounding abandonment from an ex who told me to my face that she didnt want to deal with me when i was sad then proceeded to get mad at me for trying to hide my depression to make her feel better, so i kind of just feel bad about talking to people and asking for help nowadays. i really want people to help me, but i refuse to let myself ask for help out of fear that i'm going to have to deal with that again. plus im also concerned about piling my issues onto others when its a bad time for them as well even when they say its ok because i did that when an ex-friend of mine was insisting everything was okay there too...

~ peachy

Hey there peachy!

That sounds like a difficult situation. I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. You deserve more support than you're getting.

Good for you for apologizing and acknowledging that you reacted poorly. That's really admirable. I hope you're giving yourself credit for that.

You won't know how they feel unless you ask them. Give them time to process your apology and make sure you're putting in effort to prevent that from happening again. If you think it will happen again, let them know what triggered it, remind them that you're sorry and that you take full responsibility for it, and try to work out how this could be prevented in the future. Communication is important when you let people in and allow them to see you when you're struggling. But it brings people closer together, builds intimacy.

You have a lot of self-awareness about your actions. It makes sense that you're not comfortable asking for help due to those pleas for help being thrown back in your face in the past. Our brains remember these things and try to protect us in the future. But we can also rewrite this idea our brains have. Every time you reach out and it is successful, your brain will learn that you're able to ask for help and that it won't cause you harm.

At the end of the day, people are responsible for what they do and communicate. If you tell your friends you need to talk for advice or venting, and if your friends aren't able to talk about a particular issue on a particular day, they need to communicate that to you. If they say they are up for talking, you can remind them that they can stop you anytime if they need to, but let yourself talk to them if they are up for it. It's really difficult, I know, but remember that you deserve support and that friends are people who care about you, want what is best for you, and are there for you. It's okay to ask for help. You are worthy of help. Anyone who has made you feel otherwise was wrong.

You deserve attention and care and support. I hope you're able to surround yourself with relationships that are good for you and your self growth.

Take care.

- Mod Misa

[expatesque]

i have been in love with one of my best friends for years. at first we had an arrangement of sorts (i wasnt sure about it and didnt want to make it steady for fear of breaking up and end our friendship after a short while), but after years he broke it off because he couldnt stand it anymore. months later he started going out with someone and I told him i'd get some time away to get over it. ive been ghosting him for 5 years now (he still tries to reach out to me from time to time) and still i cant get over it. i think about him every day, and all the dreams i remember ever since i last saw him have been about him, and feel like nightmares until i wake up when they become dreams just by the sweetness of seeing him again. i dont know what to do at this point. im unable to date other people because im utterly uninterested in anyone other than him, i never come close to enjoying myself as much as i did with him (he was one of my best friends after all). ive also made other friendships ever since but never developed any romantic or sexual interest in them. its not that i want or need that, i dont care, but i do want to get rid of him. i dont even have hopes on ever being okay to befriend him again as much as i miss him as such. at this point id be content just getting rid of this want for him, of the dreams and the daily thoughts, and the ghost of him watching me from every corner of any place in which we were together or that i think hed love or hate or have something to say about. what would you do? i know ghost him is your go to advice, but ive done that. a friend told me that maybe seeing or talking with him again could help me get closure but i fear it will make things worse and will make the process start anew. im bad now, but the first couple of years were unbearable

Oh man okay. This does sound like a fairly unusual case where team dead exes might be less relevant. So here, I might try to focus on why you're so hung up on him. Especially because it sounds like you're the one that was afraid to commit.

To start: I can never really get on board with the 'afraid of losing our friendship' line of thought for why you wouldn't date someone. I mean, you lost the friendship anyway, and I feel that's usually what happens. So maybe begin with that: were you really scared of losing the relationship or was there something else? Were you not ready for a relationship? Or was it not right with him? I would start by doing a very serious post mortem on the relationship, including looking unflinchingly at how you acted and what you could have done better. Hopefully spending some time analysing the relationship and learning lessons will help you get closure.

Then, once you've done that, consider what you need to move on. Maybe it's seeing him and hearing him talk about his new love. Maybe it's going on a crazy girls weekend and hooking up with a rando. Maybe both, maybe neither, only you can tell. But fundamentally, it sounds like you're aware this isn't going to work out so you need to do what you can to move on. And if you try a few things and nothing's helped, this might be a case for talking to a professional. I know, a break up years ago might seem like a trivial reason to see a therapist but clearly it's still affecting your life, so might be worth having someone help you work through why that is.

+ talk to me