#in my 30s and using the tags in tumblr as a therapist like someone who is definitely not mentally ill rn

[zackthelion]

ate the gas station rhino sex pills again

[notyourparentstherapist]

First Entry

Honestly,

I have not posted on here for many years, I was an avid Tumblr consumer since being in high school. I am now in my 30's working as a licensed mental health counselor. This will be a place for me to maybe get my shit together. I found blogging helpful in the past and my life got away from me.

I am hoping this will be a positive experience for me to process post therapy content and lived experience for someone with complex mental health needs who is also a provider. Which means I need to start by acknowledging my privilege and a white, mostly cisgender, well educated human. I have access to a network that a lot of people do not have. Yet live in fear of for the day for me to finally need a higher level of care and for me to be sitting across from another client or being treated by a colleague. There are always pro's and con's to things I guess.

For now this will be an experiment for me to document my life, as journaling has been hard and difficult and I will explain further at some point.

I will do my best to always tag my content and CW/TW anything specific. I will also not be going into graphic details about anything. I will also only be talking about me and people in my life that are not my clients. I will not be breaking HIPPA or disclosing anything about them. Their privacy is important not to just them but to me as well. As I would hope no other provider discusses my shit online. Only I want to be talking about my stuff online.

All you need to know right now is I have my masters degree in holistic mental health counseling. I am a huge nerd for psychological theories especially feminist and existential content. I also love other nerd shit like video games and board games. I also struggle with complex PTSD and ongoing dissociative symptoms. It has never been made super clear to me if I fall in the OSDD or DID category. While I wish to all the gods that my therapist would just tell me his thoughts on the matter I professionally understand why he has stayed away from pathologizing my experiences under a diagnostic code. I get it. I truly do. However, that does not mean I am mad about it. I will also not be disclosing my therapists name. I will simply be referring to him as My/Our therapist, the therapist, or simply N.

I will be sharing post therapy thoughts, possibly things I have written or made for art. I write, or one of us, writes a lot of poetry so that may make it on here if they feel like sharing. I suspect for the most part this will be a place for therapist me to process stuff.

That's it for now I think.

PS I swear like a sailor. Sorry.

[iamnathannah]

I posted 717 times in 2022

That's 147 more posts than 2021!

50 posts created (7%)

667 posts reblogged (93%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@angstbotfic

@nakedmonkey

@hufflefluffles

@dollsome-does-tumblr

@strawberrymotion

I tagged 134 of my posts in 2022

#gilmore girls - 24 posts

#paris geller - 17 posts

#fanfiction - 15 posts

#lorelai x paris - 11 posts

#paris gellar - 9 posts

#lana parrilla - 5 posts

#lorelai gilmore - 5 posts

#a major course autocorrection - 4 posts

#paris x honor - 4 posts

#youtube - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#(all i have is a small crack before i ever possessed the car and foggy headlights along with too-eager snow scraping marks but still...)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

A Quick Statement on Longing...

I got a lovely compliment about Longing on another Paris/Rory story, especially dealing with Louise's relationship with Paris in the past, and I'm definitely thankful for that...and this is a statement that an update will come out soon. I've been dealing with so much during the pandemic and just haven't felt like updating it, even though I have a lot of the latest chapter done, and there's my Lorelai/Paris stories where I do want to write those too.

I do want to touch on something though, as outside the old-style author's notes written back in the FF.net/Yahoo Groups days which have continued on in my template style, when I transferred the story to AO3, I failed to ever account for trigger or content warnings.

I could have never imagined this story would end up in an age where readers would want a heads-up on content, as they're probably dealing with the same things Paris, Louise, and Rory are dealing with through the story; homophobic parents, mental traumas, visible and scarring child abuse, and the gaslighting Dean attempts on not only Rory, but his previous girlfriend, Paris's cousin Beth, along with just the general stresses of realizing who they are and dealing with their peers and authority figures and how they would react to them coming out as gay.

Thus, I sincerely and deeply apologize if my writing, unwarned, caused anyone unwanted anguish and hurt if they clicked on the story and found themselves thrown into, say, the chapter where Paris realizes her mom knows she's with Rory and is bruised and broken from the abuse thrown her way, is recounting the worst abuse with Rory and her therapist, along with Louise being dealt with by Sharon.

I have now added on the appropriate trigger warnings to the story on AO3, and take full responsibility for not doing so before.

My intention with my stories is to write about how I feel about these characters, show how they are outside the bounds of the early 2000s and its network, and hopefully have a reader come out of it thankful to see these characters in a different way than originally presented. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt someone in any way, and if you ever were, know that I would never intend to do so.

3 notes - Posted April 28, 2022

#4

For fic research purposes...

What safe words would Lorelai and Paris use as partners, together?

You know...science. 👩🏻‍🔬

3 notes - Posted January 12, 2022

#3

The Gilmore Facebook page is like 'leave the door open for Christopher' and like...do they not know only six people in the world like him, and two of them are ASP and the J6-loving (Canadian) weirdo who plays him?

5 notes - Posted November 23, 2022

#2

Tumblr please stop sending me TERFs and Depp Defenders 'in your orbit' challenge. 🤬

6 notes - Posted April 30, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

23 notes - Posted February 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[lokifantasies]

Healing PART 1

Summary: You and Loki try to help Jade the best you can.

A/N: Remember! The more you guys interact with the characters' blogs, the more you can help influence and shape the story and dialogue!

Character(s): Loki & Jade

Read the Mischievous Life series here!

Follow Jade, Loki, and Reader!

Taglist! (click here to join a taglist!)

Strikethrough means I can’t tag you for some reason.

@1marvelnerd3000 @agentkinghorn @donttouchmylaevateinn @emerald-alone @eyesbluelikethetitanic @fa-me @geeky-politics-46 @holdmytesseract @itsybitchylittlewitchy @jeongadelarinia @lokistoriesblog @lougy @melianisnothere @mm2305 @mortallythoughtfulgurl @nms224 @shraddhadeveshvikram @xoxoloverb

True to his word, Loki's there when Jade wakes up – having not shut his eyes for a moment while his daughter slept the best she could.

However, you and Loki made a decision during the night, via text, that Jade needs some kind of professional help.

"What?" Jade scoffs as Loki tells her that he's taking her to see a therapist. "Dad...no. Hell no!"

Loki gives his daughter a sympathetic look. "Jade...we just want what's bes -,"

"No," Jade harshly cuts him off. "You just want me out of your hair."

The god sighs in frustration. "No, Jade," he argues. "You know damn well that's not true." Loki approaches his daughter and places his hands on her shoulders. "I can't stand seeing you like this...do you understand that I had to physically stop you from hanging yourself?"

The sixteen-year-old scoffs and turns her back to her dad – forcing him to let go of her. "It's just funny that you think I'm actually going to speak to some stranger."

Jade gives her dad the silent treatment the entire way to the doctor's office – angrily staring out the window – feeling disgusted with Loki's and your decision. Loki bites his fingernails the entire way – knowing that Jade is beyond angry with him, but he tells himself that you and he are doing what's best for her. Loki sits with Jade in the waiting room until her name is called. Begrudgingly, Jade gets up and walks towards the stranger that she's supposed to talk to. Jade being Jade – of course, she does nothing of the sort. The teenager sits on the large, comfy couch with her legs crossed – taking out her phone to scroll on social media and talk to some of her online friends about how angry she is with you and Loki. The therapist, whose name is Dr. Alice, talks to Jade anyway.

"Is there anything you'd like to ask, Jade?" Dr. Alice nicely asks the teen. Jade looks up at the doctor, scoffs, and rolls her eyes before going back to her phone. "Okay," Dr. Alice says with a calm smile. "That's fine...it's your first time...it's normal to be nervous."

Oh, honey, Jade thinks, if you only knew how furious I am at the thought of having to be here at 8:30 in the morning.

Dr. Alice continues to talk, and Jade continues to block her out – giggling at memes and posts she comes across on Tumblr – venting to her friend about the situation she's being forced into. Time goes by slow for Jade, but finally, she notices that she has thirty more minutes before she can leave.

And as soon as the clock strikes 10:30, Jade jumps up from the couch and rushes out into the lobby – storming past her father and out to the car. Loki gives the doctor a sympathetic look before turning and following his teenager.

"What was that?" Loki asks – becoming angry with Jade. Jade doesn't respond – choosing to bury herself in her phone instead. "Jade, I know you're mad," Loki continues calmly. "But...please, my love...please let us help you."

"Thanks for making me miss my trigonometry test," Jade mutters under her breath – looking out the window as Loki begins to take her to school. "How can you help me with that? I'm not allowed to do a make-up test."

Loki looks over to Jade when he comes to a red light. "I'll figure something out, okay? You'll be able to make it up."

Fifteen minutes later, Loki pulls up to Jade's school – the angry teen slamming the door to her father's Mercedes as she storms inside. Loki sits for a while – pondering what he can do to help her heal.

A thought occurs just before Loki is going to leave.

"Hello?" a female teacher calls out – hearing a knock on her door. She had been told minutes earlier that a parent wanted to meet with her. Loki approaches the math teacher – his hands behind his back and a fond smile on his face.

"Hello, Ms. Matthews," Loki begins nicely. "I'm Loki...Jade's father. I would like to talk to you about how Jade can make up her trigonometry test that she missed this morning."

Ms. Matthews motions for Loki to sit down in the chair across from her desk.

"Jade's a fantastic student," she smiles at the god. "But I'm afraid I don't give make-up tests." Her tone is sympathetic – making it seem like she wishes she could help. "Jade's grade only went down to a 92% from a 100% with the zero for the test, but I'm sure she'll be just fine."

Loki takes a deep breath. "My daughter didn't miss it because she overslept or decided to skip class."

"I make it very clear at the beginning of each school year that -,"

"I'm the reason she missed it," Loki interrupts – practically pleading with the teacher. "You know what Jade's gone through...she needs something in her life to go right for once. Her grade being affected so much will break her heart, and honestly, I'm sick and tired of seeing my little girl's heart broken. Something that may seem small and insignificant to you may not be to someone else." By this point, the God of Mischief has tears in his eyes – trying as hard as he can to fight them back. "Honestly, I don't think she even cares about the grade. She needs something to help her feel better about herself...and math does that."

About half an hour later, Jade is walking into the cafeteria when she's halted by the sight in front of her.

It's Loki.

He's sitting at a table with no one else around.

"You've gotta be kidding me," Jade mumbles under her breath – pulling out her phone to text her friend and let her know how insane her dad is being. "Why the fuck are you here?" she asks herself.

As Jade tries to slip out of the cafeteria, she's approached by one of her friends.

"Hey, Jade?" her friend, Sarah, calls out to the goddess. "Um, so, what's up with your dad over there? Why's he crying?"

Jade's heart drops at the knowledge that her father is crying. Not only is he crying, but he's doing it in public...not caring who sees him.

Jade slowly approaches the table that Loki is sitting at. His elbows are on the table, and he's crying quietly as his hands block his eyes – letting his tears drop onto the blue table.

Carefully and quietly, Jade sits down in the chair across from her dad. "Daddy?"

[bumblebeerror]

I posted 3,837 times in 2021

403 posts created (11%)

3434 posts reblogged (89%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 8.5 posts.

I added 91 tags in 2021

#up and adam - 19 posts

#youtube - 18 posts

#minecraft - 12 posts

#watch later - 11 posts

#adhd - 7 posts

#actuallyadhd - 6 posts

#dream smp - 6 posts

#gender envy???? - 5 posts

#rowan rambles - 4 posts

#among us - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#i love these people and i can’t seem to ever have them both and it fucking kills me to where i’m not sure i’m worth having either of them

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

When did everyone decide that we all had to talk in the tags only lest we be seen as annoying for reblogging to say our piece?

Fuck you mate people say dumb shit on my posts constantly and you don’t see me telling them I’d rather have to read their dumb shit in the tags instead!

I’ll say dumb shit with my chest, I think I’m hilarious and I’ll be reblogging your post with my comments because I don’t know how not to be annoying and have no interest in finding out

201 notes • Posted 2021-09-16 05:39:44 GMT

#4

Do you guys ever remember how scary rabies is and lay there horrified for a minute imagining it becoming airborne?

208 notes • Posted 2021-11-02 07:30:09 GMT

#3

Why does at least one person on any post of mine that gets mildly popular always have to tag it “q-slur” or some shit?

Darling, honey, baby, starshine; I’m queer, queer is in my url, the post probably has the word queer in it, and all of it is talking about me! It’s not a slur when I assign it to myself or to the queer community, a community of people who call themselves queer!

Please stop tagging my posts that way! It’s fuckin insulting and I cannot follow your logic!

If you do not like Queer you should leave because I’m not gay as in happy, I’m queer as in fuck you!

371 notes • Posted 2021-08-23 06:25:00 GMT

#2

Something an Ex-friend said to me once has been bothering me lately.

“I don’t mean that Non-binary isn’t real; I’ve just never had someone tell me that and then stay Non-binary. They always end up picking one.”

It bothered me then because the expectation that I’d essentially grow out of it was grating anyway.

But a few years later and a lot more coming out? It just makes me sad, because I think I know why all of this person’s non-binary friends stopped identifying as non-binary.

It’s.. exhausting. To be out as non-binary. It’s difficult to pass, and whether you’re accepted depends entirely on people knowing what non-binary is or being willing to use your pronouns (if they’re not he or she). You can’t pass. You have to come out to every single person you meet if you want to be called by your pronouns. You can’t just look like a girl and get called “she” because people assume; because they’ll never assume non-binary.

Those people probably didn’t stop being non-binary. They just stopped being able to handle the constant cycle of coming out and rejection and struggling to present well.

They didn’t stop being non-binary. They just got tired. And I understand that so intimately now.

597 notes • Posted 2021-03-10 20:45:43 GMT

#1

My very unpopular opinion apparently:

Straight cis perisex able-bodied neurotypical people using aids designed for disabled people (I.e weighted blankets, grabby claw, sock holder, etc), going to therapists occasionally to keep up their mental health, using fidget toys, choosing to call their bf/gf their partner, using pronouns besides the ones associated with their gender just because they like it, and doing a million other small things that make us fitting in and being accepted a little bit easier is in fact exactly the type of support these communities need, and will ultimately help us so much more than gatekeeping ever fuckin will

40158 notes • Posted 2021-08-17 06:38:42 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[m0nster-and-skeleton-gloves]

Harm reduction post

@ tropicalfeild posted some harm reduction, I'm reposting it but don't wanna include the tags

The following post might be triggering, although not intended. This list is a collection of my own tips, tips I found on tumblr and tips my doctors and therapists told me:

Always carry something with actual sugar in it with you. No, not a zero sugar candy but something with glucose. Take it if you feel dizzy/ feel like you are about to pass out.

Eat if you want to drive/ride! Doesn’t matter if you wanna go somewhere by car or by bicycle. You are putting yourself and others at risk! Don’t. Do. It. If you don’t wanna break your fast ask someone else to get you there or take the bus. If you really need to get there by your own you should eat s o m e t h i n g. Maybe your safe food or some fruit.

Don’t trust people that claim to be a coach! Someone who suffers from an eating disorder would never share tips to destroy yourself! Most of them are old man that try to get your nudes. Never ever send them pictures or give them personal information. If you need to vent or you need something just text me and I will listen.

You don’t need to restrict like crazy in order to lose weight. Check out your basal metabolic rate. This is the amount of calories your body burns by simply existing, like laying in bed all day and not moving an inch. You should not eat less than your basal metabolic rate.

If you are a minor, don’t tell anyone. Don’t put your age in your description. There are creepy people out here that are looking out for young girls that way.

I know going to the toilet can be a tough situation when you suffer from an eating disorder. Instead of using laxatives try out natural apple-juice or plum-juice, maybe even some dry fruits. You can also try out flaxseeds (drink water with it!) or maybe you want to take some magnesium.

You should take vitamins/ go to the doctor to check your vitamin levels.

That one is well known, but I want to mention that you shouldn’t brush your teeth after purging. Drink water or milk and wait 30-60 minutes before you brush your teeth. If you struggle with bulimia you should also invest into a good toothpaste and go to the dentist on a regular basis.

Don’t count calories when you binge. You will only make yourself feel bad by doing that. It is not helping you at all. Drink water or tea and lay down. If your tummy hurts you should put a pillow or something like that underneath your legs. This position will help your belly to relax.

Don’t go ‘all or nothing’. If you binged take some time to rest until you get better. Don’t go in even harder, because you think your day is already ruined. Don’t eat another bag of potato chips because “it doesn’t matter anymore and you already fucked up”. The brain is like a field. Everytime you binge you are leaving a trail. The more often you use this trail, the more wide beaten it will become. If you stop using the trail, grass will overgrow this path and it will be easier to make new, healthy habits. One day you will not even be able to tell where the path was. With that said, every single time you refuse to binge, you refuse to give in because “you already messed up” it will get easier to resist the next time you feel the cravings kick in.

[trilies]

an argument for AO3

So I’m in a conversation with someone who is kind of in the “against AO3″ camp, and they asked me a couple of questions. Namely, who wouldn’t be uncomfortable with pedophilia? Isn’t it sketchy that a beta website is asking for so much money despite reaching its goals?

And my answer became so long... I figured it might as well become its own post. Please bear in mind that this is cut from a whole conversation.

But here it is.

------

No. It doesn't seem sketchy to me at all. Why would it? I know we make jokes about how much money tumblr has cost the various sites which purchase it like Yahoo, but there's some truth there: it's really expensive to host a website to thousands and thousands of people. It's why we see so many tumblr owners trying to shoehorn in ads or make people buy services, or why Photobucket tried to pull that truly atrocious bullshit a year or two back. Without image hosting capabilities (tumblr and photobucket's big thing), the strain isn't as huge.... but AO3 is MASSIVE. It is hosting literally thousands of accounts, millions of stories. That's massive on a server scale alone, ignoring all the other work they do. Yeah, it's in beta... but that's because it's trying to reach a goal of being as good a fanfic archive as they can be, and they don't believe they've reached that goal yet. Being in beta means they can better listen to their uses on shit like tagging systems and make those changes. Not to mention, again, they are INCREDIBLY transparent. If you are worried about where the money is going, you can go on the site and they have all their stuff up there.

As for the pedophilia subject matter.... Please give me a moment. because there's honestly a lot to say on that particular issue, if nothing else. This will take a while, so if you see this and there hasn't been a reply yet.... I'm still typing lmao.

To start with, of course people are uncomfortable about pedophilia. However, there are a lot of problems with how pedophilia is viewed or *used* as an accusation in the current fandom climate.

For example, in honestly EXTREMELY recent times, I was told I was "defending" pedophilia because I disagreed that a character (an immortal food gijinka) was "minor-coded" or "designed as an underage teenager". (As a note, an argument for this view was that the character's breasts were too small.) When I pointed out, hey, that's kind of a fucked up accusation to throw at a complete stranger, especially as I am a CSA survivor, I was told "You have to be lying about that, then, because a real CSA survivor would understand."

c o o l

That's just my personal experience that happened within a couple of months. Other people have talked about running into people who think that a character turning 18 means they're a pedophile for still dating a 17 year old. Or running into people who think a 40 year old dating someone in their 30s is pedophilic. Or believe that even SHIPPING characters who were not yet 18 was pedophilic if you yourself were over 18.

(Of course, you also have the kinds of people who try to use Moral Purity as a way to bash ships they don't like. I once saw someone try to claim that a popular mlm ship, A/B, was pedophilic because one half of the equation looked young.... when some other artists drew him... Of course, on the side, this person liked to also get angry that *their* favorite ship, a dude/chick ship composing of A/C, wasn't more popular. So. You know.)

So that's one half of the problem: the word "pedophile" being so warped that a lot of people now have no idea if the person using it has a genuine concern or if the accuser is trying to smear someone who doesn't ship the same thing. FFnet and Tumblr have gone with the "burn it all down" approach, which hasn't actually helped anyone and is, to boot, sloppily moderated. So we know from history, from experience in cases like mine, that it doesn't help in that area.

The other half of the problem is... How far is too far?

This is where "anti" culture begins to find similarities with the whole Warriors for Innocence thing. If you completely and blindly block an entire tag, or anyone associated with it, you have to ask: who are you hurting? Warriors for Innocence hurt actual rape victim, and queer folk, and a whole lot of others. Far as I can tell, anti culture is on the route to the same thing, because I have yet to see appropriate answers to a lot of issues.

If one says "anything with underage sex in it is bad and should be banned", what about fics that tackle it in a serious manner? The young adult novel "Speak" deals with rape of an underage girl and how she works through that mental trauma; are fics with stories equivalent to that allowed? Do fics with underage sex have to focus purely on how it is Horrible And Bad to be allowed? Does only a chapter have to be allowed? A paragraph? An author's note? A tag? Or are we allowed to never explore dark subject matter?

Is fic with underage content in it only horrible if it's someone over the age of eighteen who writes it? Can a teenager write smut (terribly written as it may likely be) between teenage characters? Can a teenager write smut between a teenage character and an adult character? For the record, i did in fact, over the summer, run into someone who said that teens/minors "shouldn't even know about NSFW", which is asinine to me, because Abstinence Only is a terrible thing to put in schools, and somehow worse in a way when you try to put that into effect in fandom. If the answer is 'yes', what are you going to do, demand to see people's birth certificates in fandom?

(As a note, I think this is a terrible message to put into fandom for teenagers because I believe it will inevitably lead to self hatred and a warped view of sex. If you make the extremely simplified black-and-white statement of "teens and sex should never go together ever in any way", that's going to mess up teens who are starting to experience arousal in their bodies. The message, whether intended or not, ends up as "NSFW things are bad, which means my brain which thought NSFW thoughts is bad, and my brain thought those thoughts because my body had these feelings". )

(This is bad for any average teenager. This will be especially worse to CSA and rape victims, along with queer youth who, in a lot of places, are still struggling with their bodies and/or feelings because the world is still pretty damn queerphobic.)

Speaking of CSA and rape victims, what about those of them who write/read underage ships or dark content as a way to cope with what happened or Just Because? That's a thing lots of us do, especially those of us who don't look like the Perfect Victims people can use as an excuse for whatever crusade they're waging. I've heard anti types go "Well, it's an unhealthy way to cope" or claims that CSA/rape victims who write such dark content are "just as bad as their abusers"... But are they psychiatrists/therapists? Are they the psychiatrists/therapists of *those specific people*? Will you moderate this kind of content by forcefully interrogating CSA/rape victims to out their trauma to a complete stranger? Will you demand to speak to their therapists? Over fanfic?

When I was a teenager, I wrote all sorts of stuff. I wrote dark dub-con fic, because I liked to explore those dark feelings in the process and the aftermath separate from myself. I wrote a fic with a fairly young teenage girl (what age was kh2 kairi? who even knows, I sure didn't) falling for a MUCH older man built like a brick shit house so that there was never any doubt to him being an adult, even giving him her first kiss, because they were my favorite characters, I wanted both of them to have a moment of happiness (that i promptly ruined but hey), and, *in this fic*, I knew it would be alright. I knew the girl would always be in control, she'd be the one making moves, that the guy was nonthreatening and kind and protect her and work alongside her.

(and then I began the process of killing him off in the next paragraph through him saving her life, but, like. Drama (tm), baby)

This was all good for me. At an age where I was young, vulnerable, and figuring out weird shit like arousal and romantic feelings, it was *invaluable* to have a space where I could explore all of that while relatively safe from actual danger, even if the stuff I wanted to explore was a little messed up. This whole thing against AO3 wouldn't have helped me, and I'm pretty sure it's not helping a lot of other people too.

There is an issue with underage people and sex stuff- not just in fandom but in culture at large. We have Hollywood dressing up young girl actresses in super slinky or revealing clothes. We have schools saying girls basically should never wear shorts, and capitalism fucking this up further by only selling SUPER SHORT shorters. We have media of all sorts giving us adults, whether in real actors or character design, in the roles of young people. (See: "how do you do, fellow kids") We should probably take more care about fandom spaces, so that people of all ages don't feel pressured to engage in sexual shit they're not 100% game for or into, or just have it shoved into their faces without consent. It's a complex issue... and it's not stuff that can just be 'banned' and have that fix it.

AO3 has on its plate a very complex problem that will, if we're all honest, never have a perfect answer. It has given us the best that can possibly be asked for. It obeys the law by not having actual child pornography on it (aka visual proof of actual real children, defined by us law as such), which is closest to "objective" we can get at the current stage in humanity and state of fandom. It has a very comprehensive and moderated tag system, so that people can post warnings along their fic so that people don't stumble onto shit they don't need to, and so that people can moderate their own reading experience to some degree.

If some people aren't comfortable with AO3, that's fine. However, most of us are getting annoyed not with those people, but with the people who just blindly say "AO3 supports child porn and is probably stealing money" (statement simplified for the purpose of this post). It shows an ignorance of the fandom history that lead us here, no understanding in either AO3's practices or how expensive it is to run a site, and no consideration for how complex this problem can really be. It would be great if this was a black and white issue, if there was an easy answer as just "banning" certain kinds of content... but there isn't. And that's where I am.

[puropoly]

honest 2am post i guess

(edit: context that i forgot to add: i’ve been in quarantine since march, haven’t met with my partner since then, as well as several friends, and except for 30 min of daily walking my dog to the park, i’ve been living my life exclusively inside my house)

things haven’t been great. But they haven’t been that bad either! this year is difficult for everyone and I’m counting my blessings which are not scarce. My family is healthy and we’re financially stable.

I’ve been struggling (again, as everyone else) with my mental health and regulating my emotions, working as a therapist has unexpectedly helped a lot in the process since the obligation to put my focus on someone else and actively trying to help them resolve their issues plays a huge part in healing myself as well. It’s kind of a mutual process, and it’s very interesting

I’ve been spending a LOT of time in the kitchen as well. I never expected to connect with COOKING of all activities, I’m pretty much squidward in the episode where he burns some fish’s soda, BUT i have to admit I’ve been learning a lot of cool, cheap vegan recipes that are healthy and in general I’m just glad to have learned an useful life skill for when I live alone / with my partner, if it ever happens in the future

Haven’t drawn anything in ages, only commissions and that was...during June, for the most part. I don’t have any interest in drawing right now to be honest, but I hope for the energy to come back, as it usually does

My baby niece is super cute and a big chungus, love her

If there’s something I can give 2020 credit for is that it drove my focus away from superficial day to day stress and place it in reflecting about my routine, and what part of it I’m actually dedicating to the things that are important to me. Y’know, is watching this 40 min video about someone talking about internet drama nurturing myself in any way? is watching youtube videos about facts of the pokemon franchise that i already know helping me cope? should I just log off youtube???????????? (yes)

So I’ve been trying to accomodate my routine in separating and organizing activities according to a) the energy i have for them and b) the value they have for my life. Which consists mostly of spiritual time (praying and metitation have been VITAL), family time, cooking time, working time, and pestering the death note tag with butt jokes occassionally time

And I’ve been doing well- still not happy or energized for art, but ...surviving you know? which is no little thing in 2020

I specifically wanted to give this update in this blog because, again, it is important to me. Some folks who usually DM me I haven’t been interacting with a lot lately, and I’m sorry for that, it’s never my intention to be rude, but i’m going through some rough times and it’s difficult to connect with what others are saying to me in this moment :o( I miss my online presence but it takes a chunk of my energy to be here sometimes - just online communication for me is particularly difficult? I suck at tumblring it’s incredible why are you even FOLLOWING

ESPECIAL sorry to that anon who asked me about the ending of danganronpa V3 ages ago I’M SORRY it is utterly uncomprehensible and a terrible ending and I hate it and it’s not meant to be clear or accessible for anyone AND THAT’S WHY IT SUCKS 

anyway!! that’s all i wanted to say right now. not really a vent post at all, but more like...a heads up of what has been going on in Poly city. And a checking up of how everyone��s doing, which i hope is great

God bless you all and thanks for keeping up with this erratic blog

[sageblogsthings]

Do you have any tips on how to write characters with scoliosis in a respectful/accurate way?

Thank you so much for asking! I smiled like an idiot when I saw this ask. :) Let me preface this by saying that scoliosis can vary a lot from person to person depending on the severity of curvature, location of curvature, treatment methods, etc. So I think that, as with anything really, getting a wide range of viewpoints and voices on the issue will make it easier to write! Honestly just scrolling through the scoliosis tag on tumblr will give you a good sense of what it’s like for some people too. With that being said, I’ll talk a bit about my experience, and how I wish that characters with scoliosis were portrayed. Just know that my answer is far from universal amongst those with scoliosis. Also, medical treatment where I live is pretty shitty so I may have some other undiagnosed stuff that I’m attributing to scoliosis who knows lol. And I’m still learning a lot about it myself! Ok, with that caveat out of the way, here we go!

I’m gonna put a tw here for discussions of scoliosis, chronic pain, anxiety, and depression

Also, for those who don’t wanna read about my experiences with scoliosis, if you scroll down there’s 13 tips on how to write characters with scoliosis (a lot of these tips apply to chronic pain in general tho). :)

To talk about my own experience a bit, I was first diagnosed with scoliosis when I was about 10 or so. When I was first diagnosed they told me it was minor and just to watch my posture. Scoliosis runs in my family but for most of my family members it’s pretty mild so I didn’t worry about it and went on my merry way. In hindsight, not the best way to deal with that but ah well.

Flash-forward to college. I had been having back pain and headaches for awhile, but I just figured it was studying for prolonged periods of time, carrying a heavy backpack frequently, and not watching my posture when I studied. I never connected it to scoliosis because I hadn’t had a check-up since that first diagnosis. Again, not the best idea but life happens.

I just finished my junior year in college, and I have had almost non-stop doctors appointments all year. It started after I had some sharp pain in my lower back, and got x-rays to see what was going on. Several doctors appointments and an ER visit later I find out that my scoliosis has gotten significantly worse, and that I have a fractured L5 as well. One thing I don’t see mentioned a lot with scoliosis is that it significantly weakens your spine (usually lower) because your weight distribution is thrown off. I had a job that involved some pretty heavy lifting, and voila fractured L5. 13/10 would not recommend btw.

My curvature (I can’t get consistent answers from doctors) is somewhere in the 20′s in my lumbar region and in the upper 20′s/lower 30′s in my thoracic region. At least with the neurosurgeons I’ve spoken to, they don’t consider you a candidate for surgery until the upper thirties or forties, unless you have significant neurophysiological symptoms. Treatment options vary widely depending on where you live, what you can afford, and what your doctor will give you a referral for, but most doctors will recommend physical therapy off the bat. To my knowledge, most doctors do not recommend bracing anymore, though I think in children that might be different (not so sure on that). So currently, I am waiting on an appointment with a pain management specialist and will go from there. 

Even though the curvature in my spine is relatively minor, I still experience significant symptoms. Some of these symptoms include sciatica, pinched nerves in my arms, legs, and back, muscle spasms in my upper back and neck, swelling of my hands and feet, and numbness or pain in my hands and wrists. Also, because my spine curves more in the upper portion of my back, my left lung cannot expand as much as my right lung. This isn’t always a problem, but I get shortness of breath pretty easily, and any respiratory infections make it super hard to breathe properly (pneumonia sucks a butt). There’s also the obvious bit of scoliosis where I stand a little crooked. Another thing I think that not a lot of people know is that how “lopsided” you are can vary from day to day. This doesn’t mean that the curvature is changing day-to-day, but the muscles may be more relaxed or tightened on some days.

So that’s my experience pretty much (bless you if you read all that!). But, to show an example on the opposite end of the spectrum, my friend had (I think) a 30 degree curvature in the thoracic region and 50 degree curvature in the lumbar. He had immediate corrective surgery (I’m not sure exactly what kind) and now aside from the scar on his back and that he looks like a table when he bends over (his words lol i’m not being mean) you would never know. And even weirder, he had no significant symptoms before his surgery aside from occasional sciatica. So your symptoms don’t necessarily depend on the degree of curvature, where the curve is located has a lot to do with it. Typically, more curvature in the upper spine is more painful but that’s by no means always the case.

Ok, so how in the heck does this all apply to writing characters? I promise it does, I’m not just rambling (well, maybe haha).

13 Things to Consider When Writing Characters With Scoliosis:

Their symptoms may vary from day to day. This may mean that some days they can do activities like running or baseball, and other days they can barely type or walk without pain.

They may have no, mild, or severe symptoms, depending on the location and severity of curvature, and other factors.

What is medical care like where they live? Dealing with doctors, neurosurgeons, physical therapists, etc. is just a part of having scoliosis, and very often an incredibly draining aspect. This is especially true if you have anxiety or other factors that make going to the doctor even more unpleasant.

Were they misinformed about scoliosis? Unless you go to someone who specializes in scoliosis treatment, you’re probably gonna get inaccurate information about something. For example, I was told constantly as a kid to watch my posture. Yes, this can have an impact, but more and more research is showing that scoliosis in many cases is influenced more by hormones (especially in teenage years) than posture. There’s also more egregious examples of this, such as a neurosurgery PA who recently told me not to ever use CBD to alleviate pain because it’s a “gateway drug.” This is literally impossible. So for writing, this could translate into frustration or even anger for your character. But it could also make for some funny situations later! I wrote down everything that crazy PA told me and it still makes me laugh from time to time.

Don’t give them a back-breaking job. It will literally break their back lol. I’m not saying they can’t be active, but if someone is impacted by scoliosis on a daily basis they probably aren’t working as a professional wrestler. Or maybe they are, and your story is trying to explain how that works lol

What do they do to manage the pain (if they have it)? For me, the symptoms are typically inflammatory in nature so things like ice, heat, turmeric tea, and anti-inflammatory medications help relieve the symptoms. This is one of those things where getting other viewpoints is good though too!

Is their spine visibly crooked? If so, are they self-conscious about it? This varies a loooot, and may even vary with symptoms. For example, maybe some days when the pain isn’t bad they wear a cute dress that shows their shoulder-blades. But then when the pain is bad, they just want to look like a hobo. I say this from experience lol.

Have people treated them differently because of it (positively or negatively)? Some people may experience bullying if their scoliosis is more visible, especially as a child. They may also be treated differently by adults, who are trying to look out for them, but nevertheless it still makes them stand out from other kids.

Do they make jokes about it? For example, I can be found frequently saying��“my spine said yeet!” or “straight spine? idk her” or my personal favorite “my spine is about as straight as I am.” Scoliosis sucks, but living with it you learn to find humor in it too.

Are they going to get surgery for it? I can’t speak on this part since I haven’t had surgery, but I would imagine that there is a psychological aspect to this that you would want to mention for your character, as well as any logistical aspects like finances, dealing with trash insurance companies, etc.

How does scoliosis impact their mental health? This is one of my pet peeves, and it’s entirely founded in a lack of resources and education, so I’m not aiming this at anyone specifically. But scoliosis does impact your mental health, especially if you have pre-existing conditions like anxiety or depression already. It can be incredibly depressing to want to do something as simple as going for a walk, but you’re in too much pain. It can also really impact anxiety. For example, when I found out about my curvature change in college I had one of the biggest anxiety attacks I’ve ever had. There is also the added issue of not being able to breathe properly at times, which can make a panic/anxiety attack much worse (in intensity or duration). Of course, mental health issues can also be exacerbated by the environment you’re in, so that is definitely something to consider for your character.

What was their diagnosis like? What factors impacted their ability to get a diagnosis? Lack of adequate medical care or having crappy insurance is a huge problem, and it makes it really hard or even impossible for some people to get a diagnosis. And for most neurosurgeons or specialized treatment facilities you have to have that diagnosis and referral for them to be able to do anything. There may also be aspects of your character’s home life that prevents them from getting a diagnosis. Do their parents think they’re faking it, or that they just need to sit up straight? Is your character trans, and/or wears baggy clothing? I’ve heard several stories of undiagnosed cases because of this, so it’s something to consider.

Ok, I think this is the last thing (huge huge thank you to anyone still reading this!!). But please, if you’re writing a character with scoliosis, or any chronic issue/disability for that matter, avoid the trope of you’re still beautiful to me/you’re beautiful anyways/I don’t see your disability. Some people might not get what I’m saying here, so let me explain a little. If you have a character with significant scoliosis, to the point it impacts their daily life, and they meet another character (potential friend, love interest, whatever) and this new person grows to love them in spite of their scoliosis/disability, that is a huge red flag. It implies that they are seeing them through a lens of not having the disability, and they love that version of your character. But that is not your character in reality, because your character in reality has a very real disability. In general, just try to avoid the “I don’t see __,” in writing and real life. That could be applied to a disability, or the character’s race, sexuality, etc. In all cases, it dismisses a fundamental part of who that character is, and what experiences have shaped them into who they are. If your character has scoliosis and it has shaped who they are, it is important for other characters to recognize that as well, otherwise they aren’t really seeing that character in their “full glory,” if that makes sense. I’m rambling a bit at this point and I’m sure there’s other posts that make this point better than I have, but the takeaway is just please don’t write scoliosis as “you’re beautiful anyways.” Scoliosis or no scoliosis, it’s just “you’re beautiful.” Full stop. But part of how your character may come to recognize that beauty within themselves, or how others see it within them, may be influenced by their experiences with scoliosis.

Phew, I did not expect that to get so long but it’s a topic I’m passionate about and I haven’t seen information on scoliosis geared towards writers before, so hopefully this will help! Again, a lot of this is based on my own experiences so please do not take any of this as a universal guide to scoliosis, it definitely isn’t. And if I’ve said anything that people disagree with (or even agree with!) or have questions about, I am always open to polite discourse and discussion. :)

I hope that this answered your question some, and if not feel free to let me know! Thank you so much for asking this!

[rainecloud020604]

below the cut is a bit of a long venty self reflection.. tw: sensitive topics, the specifics are in the tags

so with quartinteen going on i’ve had a lot of time to look at myself and my actions, i have a bad habit of over analyzing things and ripping them apart. including myself.

i’ve noticed that i keep a lot of things to myself to the point where its unhealthy, i dont tell people when im upset, i dont tell people that im hurt, i dont even tell my parents when i feel sick anymore unless i feel like im dying and need medicine and maybe a trip to the doctor. Im still scared to do that...

i get made fun of and mocked, told im overreacting when im sick or hurt by my parents. its really affected me, being told to walk it off cause im being a baby or im being a drama queen for attention i dont really want. its at the point where i have fallen into a habit of lying about my health, some days i feel like utter shit and i know it will show, i will tell some people, not my parents, my friends i talk to that day. it’s gotten to the point where i was ready to kill myself because my parents wouldnt listen and take me to a doctor after i could eat or drink anything for two weeks without immediately rushing to the bathroom, that was new years eve... i almost did, it took a lot to not do that, and i scared myself, i was scared to call a hotline, i was scared to move, go downstairs, speak, after i spent 30 minutes breaking down and begging my parents to take me to a doctor i was done with life and done with trying. This really affected me and shook me up for months, it was the first time in years i had ever thought about doing that, i felt horrible and miserable cause i scared a lot of people that night. 

my mental health is even worse than my physical health all the time, i normally wont talk about it when its bad unless someone asks, i’ve been brushed off so many times by my family i no longer have that confidence i used to. my dad for the longest of time told me my depression didnt exist until my doctor did, he told me i was lying for attention, he told me i didnt have anxiety, i didnt have anything wrong and i needed to shut up and pay attention, push through it and shut up. mental health issues were tabo around my parents for ages, when we got kicked out of our house and moved in with some friends my mental issues really showed through, this was around the time i joined tumblr, my parents would fight constantly and i fled here for safety, it was clear i had something wrong, all of my sibling do as well, my brother has anger issues and doesnt know how to cope with that, he tends to hit things and hit me when angry cause i pissed him off or was in his way, he’s 11 and three times my size. im 16. my sister has anxiety and depression as well, she always drags herself down and fakes a smile to everything, she cant handle being yelled at anymore. we all have faced abuse from my parents, and then moving into a super toxic and worse place for a year made everything worse, my parents stressed and fighting to the point where we would hide and cry cause it was so much. partially through that year i snapped at my best friends dad for being homophobic, racist and sexist, i said a few things and got suspended from my school while there was a sexual predator on the campus after my friends, he was never arrested and he tried to contact me recently because he was bored. i was broken for awhile but going to the magnet school i met some people who helped me. i made a new friend. that place that was toxic we left after they tried framing us for a bed bug issue and tried making us clean the entire house, and the guy who was my dads formal best friend called my mom a few nasty things and called us all lazy and ungrateful. i had a bike stolen during the move and they refused to give it back. we stayed in a hotel for a bit, i became everyones therapist for a few days, my brothers, sisters, moms and even my dads, i couldnt vent to anyone. we moved in with my grandma, my step grandpa turned out to be an abusive asshole and attacked my aunt and almost attacked my mom and grandma one night when we were going to bed, i had both my brother and sister in my room hiding and crying, i was comforting them and telling them the yelling would be over soon. 

my grandma had her ac detroyed, license plate stolen, other stuff stolen from her as well, i was scared to walk to school for a month and had to look at the door at all times. one day he randomly busted through the door and i broke down scared as hell because i was in line of sight and the first person he saw, and was in the same room as him. it took me awhile to recover from that. later on i started failing my classes, i couldnt keep up because my old school wasnt where they were, i was ahead but behind because my motivation slacked and i didnt want to be there, i started getting really sick, i went to try to see my guidance counselor one day because i was ready to break down at everything and i needed to talk to someone and possibly go home, i saw a different one, they recommended a mental health counselor and i start counseling sessions, when i checked out the nurse shamed me for not going to her and checking out. i walked home that day and cried. i started counseling sessions after that, i was still scared to speak about all of these issues, some weeks i didnt see her, others i did, the first day my ela teacher flipper her shit cause i was late that day to her class after i was at a counseling session for part of her class cause i needed to say things and speak. i lost the confidence to talk to me ela teacher after that. she would have issues with the fact that i couldnt speak loudly at times, part of the year she hated the fact that i drew in her class to focus, it took me twice explaining it before she would let me. later on that year she accused me of doing other classwork and make me hold up what i was drawing rather than walking over, i cried the rest of her class and had a panic attack in biology venting to a friend. my parents told me i was being dramatic after breaking down and explaining how my day went. i started to stop speaking up about my issues entirely to them. 

i’ve had issues when i am sick at school, i’ve gotten grounded for going home sick, after i was told i could call home, it was because the nurse said i looked tired, she also had told my dad that he knew me better than she did so she was unsure, he told me in the car i put the family to shame and made him look bad, took away my devices, left for work while i took a nap, i woke up still sick and felt even worse mentally, i forced myself to walk and finish up the rest of the school day. it took my mom yelling at my dad to get my devices back, he guilt tripped me after giving them back and i felt horrible for the weekend. 

my dad started saying i was faking being sick to skip school, keep in mind i have never skipped a day in my life and have always enjoyed going to school, he was just pissed off. my mental health was affecting my physical health, i wasnt able to see my mental health counselor for a month, when i needed to most. 

i started developing and eating disorder again, i started to only eat one meal a day, starve myself for existing, i’ve been fighting it for awhile, it decided to get worse, i am still fighting it. i am at a point where i can handle two meals a day again which is progress. 

when quartinteen started, that ment i was stuck at home, unable to focus on my classes anymore, and my counseling sessions were done in zoom, i wasnt ever in a safe place to openly speak. i tried pushing for therapy, my parents considered and agreed, they tried to figure something out and never got back to it. everything has gotten worse, not only in my head but the world around me...

keep in mind all this, happened in two years. most of the belittling and breaking me down however has gone on for most of my life.

i dont want sympathy, i want to get this off my damn chest, i dont want attention, i was this at hand so when i need to point at something that happened to me i have to reference to while im breaking down. im sorry about all this mess and wasting time typing this out and that right now isnt the time to hear me whine. 

[suckitsurveys]

Ready to answer 151 Questions? No.

1. When was the last time you swam in a pool? Last week. I am extremely grateful to have access to a pool this summer. It’s at my sister’s mother in law’s. She lets my sister and her daughters use it while she’s at work and I tag along too.  2. Do you like to party? I love throwing parties. Not like, huge drunk ragers, but bday parties are my specialty.  3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? I’ve been social distancing myself from them for almost 10 years, so. 4. Are you a virgin? Nope. 5. What are your parents views on your relationships? My dad likes Mark.

6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years, would you marry them? I am married to my crush.  7. Is your best friend dating anyone? One is. 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing? It’s an olive green shirt with the Route 66 logo on it. 9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you? I really don’t care. 10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up? I do that 99.99% of the time. 11. What is one feature that you don’t like? On myself? My stomach. 12. Would people describe you as happy? Not currently.  13. Are you single? Nope. 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? Nah. 15. Do you have Tumblr? I really only use it for this, which I also haven’t done in a while either.

16. What about Xanga? Aww, RIP Xanga. 17. Have you ever babysat before? Yes. 18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate? Most of my college professors.  19. Ever shopped at Sephora? I think I’ve been in one before? 20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away, what would you do? I mean, I’d be pretty shocked and hurt. 21. Do you have any university plans? Lol. 22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do? Support her?  23. What are your views on sex? Be safe! Always get consent! 24. Do sexual questions bother you? No. 25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up? Uh, what? 26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding? Yeah. 27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’? Yeah, I don’t see too much of it anymore. 28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? Yes. 29. Would you ever date a friends Ex? I did that once oops. 30. What’s the last book you read? I’m still working on a couple. 31. Ready for 10 simple questions? Sure. 32. What is your last name? No. 33. What grade are you in? No. 34. What school do you go to? No. 35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring? Summer and early fall.  36. Favorite Color? Purples and blues. 37. Are your parents together? My father is widowed.  38. Any siblings? I have an older sister. 39. Favorite subject? Eh.

40. Least favorite subject? Eh. 41. Favorite song? I could never just choose one. 42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy? I don’t care. 43. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 200 something. 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country? Probably. 45. Have you ever googled yourself? Yeah. 46. Have a Formspring? No. 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? Take them and sell them :P 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? Waterpark. Ughhhhhhhhh I miss waterparks so much. It’s so weird to not be going this summer. 49. Been to Disney world? Nope. 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? Sounds like one of those things where people post a random status from a list of things that will likely get people’s attention and whoever comments on it is privately sent said list of thing and they then choose something to post as their status and so on. That was a popular game thing on Facebook years ago. <---Yeah, that. 51. Ever had a boyfriend? Yes.

52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? I doubt Will Arnett knows I’m in love with him. 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret? No. 54. Ever drank alcohol? Yes. 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs? Yeah. 56. Ever watched The Hills? No. 57. What about Jersey Shore? Yes. 58. Ever called someone a slut? I’ve said that jokingly to friends. 59. What do you think of short shorts? You do you. 60. Does it bother you if people swear around you? Nope. 61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject? Yes. 62. What about a B? Yes. 63. And a C? Yes. 64. How about a D? Yeah. 65. Ever skived? What’s that? 66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle? I’d say somewhere in the middle. I had friends, but I wasn’t “popular” by any means. 67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? Most are older.  68. Ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend? Yes. 69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69? Oops. 70. Ever watched porn? Yes. 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month? I drove with out a seat belt (for a few blocks) and jay walked oops.  72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock? On work days, yes. 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? Wednesdays.  74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join? No. 75. Ever performed in a talent show? No. 76. Have you ever cried in public? Yeah. 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? I’ve always had a special bond with my dad. I love my mom, but we butt heads a lot when I was a teenager. I feel like our bond was getting stronger just before she died and I’m really sad we don’t get to know each other as we got older.  78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? Nooo. I have zero talent. 79. How many celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive. Will Arnett, Paul Rudd, John Mulaney, Andy Samberg, Ezra Koenig 82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive. Aubrey Plaza, Alison Brie, Lana Del Rey, Alia Shawkat, Kat Dennings 83. Ever been compared to a celebrity? Ha, no. 84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? No. 85. Do you think spending £20 on Lip Gloss is a waste of money? Idk what that is in US dollars but I don’t usually buy lip gloss, so. 86. Are you opinionated? I can be. 87. Do you have a favorite store? Sure. 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans? I used to in grade school. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? I have one pair of “boyfriend” jeans that I don’t really like.  90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week? Hello, pandemic? 91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school? I don’t know. 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand? Yeah. 93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture? I don’t care? 94. Own a pair of converse? Yes. 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites? There was. 96. If yes, are you one of them? Never. 97. Do you text in class? I have. 98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? Target. 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” Fuck that shit. “Plus” implies that there is a standard size. 100. Do you want to lose weight? I’d like to be healthier.  101. Ever seen a therapist? No, but I should. 102. Ever watched porn? You asked me this.  103. Ever purposely ignored a text? Yes. 104. A facebook message? Yes. 105. A poke? I always ignored those. That was a dumb feature Facebook had. 106. A friend request? Yeah. I don’t accept a request from anyone I don’t know, but I have it set up where you can’t add me unless you are friends with someone I am friends with.  107. Would you say you read into things too much? Yepppp. 108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? I don’t know. 109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?) Eh. 110. Ever been called a bully? No. 111. Ever purposely hurt yourself? Yes. 112. Ever gone to church? I went to a Lutheran high school and we used to have “chapel” every first full school day of the week (usually mondays). That was kind of a church service. And one time I spent the night at a friends house on a Saturday and was blindsided the next morning when her parents were like “okay time for church!” 113. Would you call either of your parents screw ups? Absolutely not! 114. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? Yes and no. 115. What do you want to do with your life? Lol.

116. Let me guess… You have brown hair? My roots right now are basically a really dirty blonde. And my tips were black but they are pretty brown right now. And hair inbetween is mint green lol. Pandemic hair ftw. 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween? I’ll probably be Princess Carolyn again. Or just a bat, since I have both of those costumes.  118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? With my nieces, but we probably won’t be able to go this year :(  119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you? Celebrities. 120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus? Yes. 121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people? I have. 122. Ever had a credit card denied? Yeah. 123. What’s the last movie you watched? Oh god, it’s been a while. I Love You Man, I think? 124. Last TV Show? Property Brothers, lol.  125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do? They wouldn’t.  126. Ever been called a whore? Jokingly. 127. Are you american? Yes. 128. Ever made yourself throw up? Yeah. 129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend? Uh huh. 130. Are you Cute or Gross? Yes. 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”? No one has said that to me in a very long time. I don’t recall being bothered by it, though. 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like? Um, yes? Why couldn’t I? 133. Ever had the lead in a play? Not the lead, no. 134. What about a solo in a concert? Nope. 135. What kind of a student are you? I did okay in grade and high school. 136. Worst subject? All of college. 137. Best subject? Not college. 138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? Yeah. 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? Seeing as she’s dead, yeah, a little. 140. How late do you sleep in? On work days I sleep until the absolutely last minute, right before we are supposed to check in for a daily meeting at 7:10am, lol. And on weekends or days off I normally don’t sleep past 10.   141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them? A little. I brighten up my face and smooth it out. Sue me.  142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? All my friends are beautiful in their own ways.  143. Do you believe in love? Yes.  144. Would you consider yourself a good student? Didn’t you ask this? 145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?” It just seems kinda pointless cause they likely won’t see it. 146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy? Yes.  147. Are you going into High School this year? Nooooo. Thank goodness. I did my time and graduated over 10 years ago. 148. What about Junior High? Omg, no. I’m old. 149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry? Ugh, anything.  150. Where did you find this note? @lovemesomesurveys 151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone? None. 

[spacegaywritings]

Love and other Tragedies (7/7) “Why”

Summary:Remus' court case comes to an end, prompting Roman to make an impulsive, fateful decision.

Tags: death, suicide, bad ending, execution, corrupt government, double death implied, mentions of polyamorous relationships (remus x logan x virgil x Janus), sort of suicide note, remy mentions, flowers, implied sexual assault, attempted rape allegations, implied abuse, angst angst and drama af

Tumblr: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6  / 7 (you are here) .

Ao3 :     1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 // all.

  My KoFi  - Support me ♥ or Commission me

 Story under the cut: (Word count: ~1,6k)

21st MAY

 One last time, Mary.

 I feel really bad to do this but I think if I keep up writing to help myself, I need to start with a new book. Conveniently, you actually are about to run out. Still, I think our ways about to split. I need to start over.

 Patton and I are close. We are dating, actually. It is comfortable to be with the little prince of hearts. He makes me really happy.

It is important to realise that I deserve a healthy relationship that makes me happy. We both still go to therapy and Doctor Archimeda tells me that we accept the kind of love we think we deserver.

 I don’t know whether Remus was bad for me or wanted to be bad at all. Maybe he is bad for himself. He seemed really hurt.

I did not want to look at all the things they said on TV but I went outside to apply for a job on the side. I found a school course to take me in but I need money. I feel icky just thinking about the idea of taking my family’s money for this - I know I shouldn’t feel down about this but I do. Things will get better. Doctor Archimeda is really out to pull my strings and lure me out of my reserve. It is uncomfortable but change and development is disgusting a lot. He said that butterflies look really ugly before they come out and during their first days. It kinda helps to think of that.

Patton calls me his butterfly prince, now. He is my prince of hearts. When I tell him, he giggles and gets all flustered. He said I am the most handsome prince in the world but to be frank, I think he is the most handsome one.

 I really love him.

 About Remus..

I think I keep distracting from the topic because I don’t really want to write down what happened. It hurts to think about it. He looks so small when people question him. His partners sit on the side and hold hands or each other.

They seem to love him so much, it hurts me for them.

 Love really is something.

 They said he murdered someone.

He said it was protection.

Apparently, someone assaulted him and one of his partners but his partner is really anxious and scared, so he froze up while Remus defended them both. It was an alpha.

No wonder he was in a metal hospital that excludes alphas - even the staff is not allowed to be alphas. It’s a true horror story.

 The newspapers say that Remus would be best off pleading for insanity.

I know he is not insane. He is honest in his eyes.

 When I saw his eyes and he was questioned, I really did not want to be alive. He looks so betrayed. I understand that he said all these things.

I wondered whether I should write him a letter and tell him I am sorry and that Patton and I are better but miss him because he was a nice friend.

 I am scared of what he will say - if he actually answers.

 OH! Also, dearest Mary! I think you will be happy to hear about this.

 Patton went to visit my family.

It was quiet but it is sunny and warm here because it is May already. Summer is about to start, so Patton wore a dress.

He is scared of wearing nice things when he is alone because people harass him a lot. He was in because he did not have a Remus to protect him from others.

 I told my family I am engaged to Patton.

Things are fast but they are doing well.

 Mary...

I am scared.

I think they will say Remus was guilty because he ended up taking a high-ranked alpha’s life and nobody believes he did it to protect himself and his mate because they are omegas. They think they planned it.

I think it is because he is dating more than one person and that scares people.

 I think it is swell for him to have multiple princes. I just want him to be happy.

 Farewell, love.

 Yours truly,

Prince Roman, soon-to-be king of Patton’s heart only.

  3rd JUN

 Hello, friend.

 You are a new diary. I feel bad for replacing Mary but I think I need to keep writing. I.. I am not telling Patton. It feels wrong but he thinks Remus is bad.

He says it is wrong because he did a wrong thing - even if he did it for the right reasons. I - don’t you think it is okay to protect someone? They were not the aggressors, so why is it wrong to defend your own life when someone threatens it?

 I feel icky.

 I can’t talk to Patton about it.

 I will start school in a few weeks and for now, I am working in a flower shop.

I..I saw one of his partner come in. Someone had to send me home. I told Patton I saw yellow roses and got upset, so he suggested I look for another job if I am still too hurt.

I feel bad for lying but I can’t imagine feeling as betrayed as Remus. The whole world seems against him and his partners look so gentle. It was the anxious one. He is tall but seems timid - from what I can remember.

 I wonder how I shall name you, fellow journal. You deserve to be a named, considering you are my accomplice in this matter.

 I want to find the anxious one and tell him what happened.

Maybe I can tell them that Remus is nice and gentle and never hurt anyone. He did not get knives because Remus said they thought he would hurt himself to evade the sentence.

He said he would never accept a death sentence because it is a shame to be sentenced unfairly for unfair things and by an unfair state.

 I wonder whether he is wise or stupid saying all these things but he has opinions stronger than my body. (Yes, I started working out! I want to carry Patton on our wedding day! We consider next year in April. It is the day we three got really close friends. It means a lot to me.)

 I will write a letter to the court.

I can tell them how nice Remus is! I just don’t know whether I am any use. I have Mary (my old journal) to help me remember things but I am unsure. People will think I am too insane because I was in a mental hospital. They did not call it that but it was one.

 I don’t know.

 I don’t want him to die.

 The timid partner looked so peaceful. I bet Remus is happy with them. I think his name is Virgil. The others are Janus and Logan.

 I will talk to my therapist. Archimeda is clever and knows a lot of things.

  27th JUN

 Greetings, Friendo!

 I am still working at the flower shop.

They said Remus is guilty but some people are writing petitions and starting demonstrations. I want to go, too.

Patton says it is wrong. I asked him whether he would rather have Remus and his partner dead because a man wanted to do whatever with them. He was silent but I don’t think he feel different, now.

 I think I will call you Justice.

 Archimeda helped me write a letter. He said it is okay to support others but he recommended I take it slow or I will get hurt. He said I am too scared of losing people but that happens a lot.

How can people be so indifferent to this?

 I will send my letter as an open letter. I never told Patton these things in there, so maybe he won’t know. I don’t really care if he knows. I am scared he will get mad but I found new friends and I asked Remy if I could sleep at his place in case my engagement broke off,

He asked why.

I said because I am scared. He thinks it is okay.

He was the one who sent me home when I saw Virgil and then the stars.

 Yours,

The one and lonely Roman

  30th JUN

 Justice, hello.

 I think I am no prince more.

 Patton found out it is my letter and broke off the engagement. I visit my parents a lot more and bring them many flowers. Remy helps me with colours because he acts like a huge bitch but is actually a really nice person.

 I wish Patton was as kind as he is.

 Remus..

His partners held hands when he got the sentence.

 They will execute him soon. They think it is a waste to keep a young omega living if he is criminal already and refuses to become “better” and fit into his role.

The media quieted down. Some depict him as villain.

 He still has the mustache.

 I sentenced him, when I called him a villain.

 I will join my family but I cancelled the highschool first and left Remy enough money for more rent. He will get all the money I saved for the wedding. I wrote him a letter, asking him to give you and Mary to Remus’ partners.

 I will be a real butterfly.

And first I will be ugly.

Then I will be pretty with my beloved family.

 Yours,

Prince “Butterfly” Roman

  ***

[draculaspetbee]

Hello Amazing Followers!

Ok this is my second try at writing this (I tried to edit the tags and deleted the whole thing lol!) So, first, I want to put it out here that no one has asked me to do this. But I have recently gotten a lot of new followers to this blog, and I feel that I need to explain myself a bit. I want to explain why I sometimes need a pick-me-up, why I ask for people to send me nice things. Just so you know I am going to be going into a lot of personal detail, not everything I’ve ever went through but a lot, and I will be discussing depression, anxiety, PTSD, child abuse, panic attacks, threatening of animals and someone threatening suicide. Please take this as a trigger warning right from the top here. Also, if I miss any triggers please let me know, I am ALWAYS willing to add the tag and edit the post. If you want to ask me at all about any of what is here feel free to message me.

So, about four/five years ago I managed to break away from my first abuser. His name is Todd (I have a #toddtag on here for him even) and he is my biological father. He was extremely emotionally abusive to me and my family (my brother and mother). He used to make fun of me constantly, call me fat, tell me how much of a loser I was (I was in high school, in jazz band, marching band, honors society, scholar bowl, I worked two jobs, I was on the softball team, generally I did not want to be at home). He used to scream and yell at us if we did things he didn’t like, like cooking food the wrong way or washing the dishes in the dish washer instead of by hand. He would get worse when it came time to mow the lawn, to the point I would hid underneath the window so that he wouldn’t be able to see me if he looked into the house. He would make us sit at the table while he yelled at us for the wrong-doings we had done, like not fold his clothes. If we didn’t like the food we would sit at the table while he yelled at us until we ate it, to the point that my brother once threw up because of it. He made us eat whole cloves once when he made ham. To this day I still get nauseous if I hear a lawn mower or smell/taste cloves. When I was 13 he told me that I should dress more provocatively if I wanted to get a boyfriend. When I was gifted a dog when I was 13 he let me keep her until he got upset one day, and while I was at work he tried to give her away. He once took my mother’s dog outside to kill her because she had taken chicken from my brother. (BOTH DOGS MADE IT OUT WITH US OK, WE WERE ABLE TO SAVE THE DOGS) When he would leave for the night (he worked night shifts) he would make us stand in a line and hug him goodbye. He would make us hug him, even if he had been yelling at us seconds before. He would glare at us, until we would hug him and then he’d kiss our cheeks and leave without a word.

When I was younger we used to joke that he was a werewolf because he always used to get meaner after 30 days had passed. It wasn’t until later that I learned that it was the cycle of abuse that was playing out.

I grew up with this for 20 years. We left on Mother’s Day four years ago. He ranted and screamed. He told my brother (18 at the time) that it was his fault the family was falling apart. He told us he knew what God felt like being crucified on the cross. I thought he was going to kill us. That night we slept in my full size bed, me, my brother, my mother, and our two dogs. We slept facing the door because we didn’t know what he was going to do. He had access to weapons, I thought I was going to die. When we did left he harassed us constantly. He called, texted, Facebook messaged us. He had friends call and show up at the safe house we were at to tell us that he was going to kill himself and that it was my brother’s and I’s fault if he did. The first birthdays my brother and I had after we left he texted me on my brothers birthday. That’s right, 21 years and he still didn’t know my birth date.

When I was 20, months before this happened, I went to a therapist. I knew that I was depressed, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t been rehired for my summer job. My therapist told me that I was quote: “Reacting like a battered woman” (I was still identifying as a woman) and that I was in fact, being abused. This was such a shock for me, I assumed it was normal to grow up that way. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD from the things I grew up dealing with.

The first year we left I was home alone on Christmas Day. Todd showed up and tried to get into the house. I managed to close and lock the doors before he could, and called my aunt. I hid in the hallway, away from all the doors and windows, and had a panic attack. My aunt finally showed up and he was gone. Ever since then I’ve been really nervous during this time of year.

Now this part is harder for me to type out. I love my mom. She was supposed to be the one parent I had that cared for me. The one that loved me unconditionally. The adult that would never hurt me. I love my mom. But I am finding now that what I thought of her is not true. She often backed up Todd in the things he did. She has called me fat for all of my life. She supported him when he took me outside once and had me hold a bag of 50 lb dog food and tell me that I needed to lose that weight (I was 14). She has had me on a diet since I was 12. Last summer she told me I was too fat to fit on an airplane. This is patently untrue. She has made fun of my panic attacks, even the ones she saw and heard over the phone. Recently she has begun to try to control my finances. She still will keep me from eating food, only allowing me one meal a day, trying to make me lose weight. I’m 25.

Two years ago around this time (near my birthday, which is January 17th if you’re interested in that in a post like this) I came out to her as non-binary. She cried for hours. She told me that God wouldn’t have made me that way. She asked if I was going to cut off my chest. She told me that she couldn’t “lose her baby girl”. After she was done crying she made me promise her I had been lying to her about it. I’m still living with her.

This year I’m graduating. I’m going to graduate under my preferred name, the one I’ve been secretly going by without her knowing. I’m going to be publishing my thesis under that name as well. I’m going to have to come out to her in under a month. In 25 days to be exact. Three days after my birthday. She’s going to react in two possible ways. She will either refuse to call me by my name or pronouns (if this happens I don’t want to have to live here anymore) or she will kick me out. Either way I will no longer be living in the house that I have called my safe space since leaving Todd. 

Now at this point you’re probably asking “Denver, why are you spilling your guts on tumblr? Well, first, I do know I can be a lot to handle. I can be awkward, and a bit weird. But I also know that here I can be myself. Second, I usually would call my friend, but she’s with her family now and they’re similar to mine, and she can’t call while she’s with them. And she’s like 90% of my impulse control.

Third, and most importantly, I want people who are out there to know that it’s going to be ok. If I can get out of Todd’s house then I can do anything, and so can you. It’s not going to be easy. My brain still will tell me it’s my fault, and that I deserved the abuse. But you have to know that it’s going to get better. It’s tough. Planning and packing for a move that my family doesn’t even know about has got to be the toughest thing I’ve ever done. But I’m tired of living for other people. I can and will be myself. I cannot live for anyone else. I will be me. If anyone else is experiencing this, I’m here. I see you. If you need to talk, message me. It’s going to be ok.

[headcanonsandmore]

Not to drop this on you but why should I stay alive

First of all, it’s no problem. I’m here for you, anon. I’m always here if you want to talk about things. 

Second; while ending it might mean that the possibilities of bad things happening are reduced to zero, it also eliminates any possibility that things will improve.

I’ve been in bad places before, and I understand the feeling of wanting to end things. But please don’t; the world might have some bad things going on, but it’s also got so many good things happening too. 

Your life has value. 

You have your whole life ahead of you. you have so many more years that you can accomplish things in. For example;

having a family.

getting married.

to watch the sun rise.

to watch the sun set.

to save someone else’s life.

finish school.

get your dream job.

to laugh.

to smile.

to go camping.

travel to new places.

to wake up every morning to the person you love.

friends.

family.

to keep that promise you made.

to accomplish a goal.

to meet your idol.

to listen to new music.

theme parks.

video games.

chocolate.

to be able to look back and say “i made it”.

what you’re going through is temporary.

In case you need to hear this:

you are loved.

you are wanted.

you are needed.

you are beautiful.

you are handsome.

you are important.

you are not alone.

you are okay.

you are strong.

you are worth it.

you are smart.

you are not a failure.

you are useful.

you are going to be okay.

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something fishy

ways of coping with eating disordered behaviors

the addiction help center

friends with illness

how to deal/talk with bipolar and depressed people

what to do when your friend is talking about suicide

what to do if someone you know is overdosing

what to do if your friend is hurting themselves

how to help someone who is suicidal

here’s what you tell someone who wants to commit suicide

tips for looking after someone with depression

friends with metal illness?

what to do when someone is suicidal

help guide (helping someone with depression)

grief and loss

help guide (coping with a breakup or divorce)

help guide (coping with grief & loss)

help guide (coping with pet loss)

help guide (supporting a grieving person)

help guide (the five stages of grief)

ocd

coping and treatment

natural treatment options

treatments for obsessive-compulsive disorder (ocd)

additional treatment options for ocd

residential treatment for ocd

medications for obsessive-compulsive disorder (ocd)

a new relationship to your obsessions

how to find help for ocd

ocd: exposure therapy versus medication

cognitive therapy for ocd

chat rooms

healthfulchat

ocd-uk

perfectionism

coping

how to overcome perfectionism

learn to manage perfectionism

how to overcome perfectionism & procrastination

perfectionism - stress management

10 steps to conquer perfectionism

perfectionists coping with failure

ptsd

coping

coping with flashbacks

self help strategies for ptsd

coping with traumatic stress reactions

post-traumatic stress - self-help guide

understanding and coping with ptsd

coping with ptsd

schizophrenia

coping

living with schizophrenia

coping with schizophrenia

schizophrenia coping and recovery

schizophrenia: coping with delusions and hallucinations

paranoid schizophrenia coping and support

treatment

an introduction to the treatment of schizophrenia

treatment of schizophrenia

drugs to treat schizophrenia

common drugs and medications to treat schizophrenia

treating schizophrenia successfully

self-harm

cut something that’s not real skin

half of us

help guide

recover your life

self-injury outreach & support

how to care for cuts

resisting cutting

25 ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm

tips to help stop cutting

99 coping skills: things to do instead of cutting

what to do when someone sees

how to fade/cover scars

alternatives for cutting 1

alternatives for cutting 2

alternatives for cutting 3

alternatives for cutting 4

alternatives for cutting 5

self-love

how to stop putting yourself down

self confidence

how to improve your self-esteem

how to be ok with yourself

tips on self-love

confidence

learn to love yourself

when told you are not pretty

emergency compliment

lessons for self-love

suicide

coping with suicidal thought

what to do when someone is suicidal

how to help someone who is suicidal

here’s what you tell someone who wants to commit suicide

help guide (suicide prevention)

help guide (dealing with suicidal thoughts & feelings)

therapy

how to get free therapy

getting a therapist - a brief step-by-step

psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counsellor?

50 signs of good therapy

50 warning signs of questionable therapy

the quiet place

things to do when you feel bad

when you’re not having a good day

reminders

self care suggestions

take a break

the thoughts room

90 second relaxation

the dawn room

the comfort spot

control a rainstorm

calm

how to make changes in your life

imalive

crisischat

7 cups of tea

kids help phone

positive love network

trans lifeline: 877-565-8860

depression hotline: 1-630-482-9696

suicide hotline: 1-800-784-8433

lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

trevor project: 1-866-488-7386

sexuality support: 1-800-246-7743

eating disorders hotline: 1-847-831-3438

rape and sexual assault: 1-800-656-4673

grief support: 1-650-321-5272

runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

exhale: after abortion hotline/pro-voice: 1-866-439-4253

Crisis Text Line!

Text HOME to 741-741

Look through my ‘tw: suicide’ tag for more information relating to hotlines, suicide prevention, and reasons why you shouldn’t end it all. 

Below are the numbers for suicide hotlines. Please talk to someone. 

Please stay alive, anon. Things will get better. 

[uncloseted]

Hey Christina!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I’m hyped. I was wondering if you could do a “50 things about yourself” idk if you’ve done it before but I’d like to know about you cause you’re so cool! 😎 and we love you

Hi!  I haven’t done one before but I’m happy to.  And of course, if there’s anything you guys want to know about me I’m an open book.  This particular “50 Things” tag is old school Tumblr, so it’s sort of random, but hopefully something in there is interesting for you guys.

1. What takes up too much of your time?

Reddit.  I’m an information junkie and most of the stuff on there has very little use in my life, but once in a while I come across a gem and it’s what keeps me scrolling.

2.       What makes your day better?

Iced coffee.  There’s a coffee shop near my house that I really like, and I also bought a bunch of the fancy flavored syrups so I can make it at home.

3.       What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

I’ve been having a pretty chill day so far, but spending the day with my boyfriend has been really nice.

4.       What fictional place would you like to go?

The Night Circus!  It’s one of my secret ambitions in life to actually build it.

5.       Are you good at giving advice?

I sure hope so, otherwise I’m running some of your lives 😂. But seriously, I do my best.1.

6.       Do you have any mental illness?

Let’s say I know my way around a therapist’s office and leave it at that.

7.       Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Yes!  I used to get a combination of sleep paralysis and exploding head syndrome semi-regularly, but that hasn’t happened in years.

8.       What musician inspired you the most?

I don’t know about “inspired” but I think The Velvet Underground had a big hand in shaping who I am.  Also Patti Smith, she’s great.  I highly recommend her book “Just Kids” to all of you.  There’s something about it that feels Skinsy even though on paper they’re nothing alike.

9.       Have you ever fallen in love?

Absolutely.  I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now and I couldn’t be happier. 

10.   What’s your dream date?

I love driving to a new city and checking out what there is to do there.  I think having a place that you share just with that one person is really romantic. 

11.   What do other people notice about you?

My hair, my clothes, or my “intimidating” face are the ones I hear the most often.

12.  What is the annoying habit you have?

My boyfriend really hates it when I do “active listening” (where you nod or make noises to let people know you’re still paying attention to them).

13.  Do you still talk to your first love?

No, but I hope they’re doing well.

14.  How many ex’s do you have?

6ish would be my guess?  I’d be interested to know if all of those people would say that I’m their ex, though.

15.  How many songs are on your playlist?

I don’t really make playlists, so I guess none.  I’m sorry that’s a super boring answer. 

16.  What instruments can you play?

Piano and bass guitar pretty well and tuba badly (and I can’t actually carry the instrument anymore).  I could play the flute when I was younger but I imagine I can’t anymore.

17.  Who do you have the most pictures of?

My boyfriend, I think.  I have a Polaroid camera and I like taking pictures of him when he’s not paying attention. 

18.  Where would you like to go before you die?

Argentina, Scandinavia, Japan, South Korea, Hong Kong, Russia, Vietnam, South Africa, Morocco, Australia, Antarctica, and the moon.

19.  What is your zodiac?

Libra!  My birthday is coming up on the 17th. 

20.  Do you relate to it?

I do!  And I feel sort of badly about that because I know that zodiac is just the Barnum Effect in action, but the Libra desire for balance, idealism, and love of aesthetics is me. 

21.  What is happiness to you?

Being free of expectations from myself and other people.

22.  Are you going through anything right now?

In my experience, adulthood is just going through different things for the rest of your life, so yes. Pretty much always.  But right now I’m looking for a new job and that’s been a lot.

23.  What is the worst decision you’ve ever made?

How much time do you have?  I did a lot of things in my teenage years that I’m not particularly proud of.

24.  What is your favourite store?

I love really giant department stores like Harrod’s, or covered markets with tons of different random stalls.  I like the idea that you don’t know what you’re going to find.  I also love antique stores for the same reason.

25.  What is your opinion on abortion?

It should be available and accessible to anyone who wants or needs it.  But so should birth control.  And I think it’s important that people understand all of their options before making a decision and are given mental health support if they need it as well. 

26.  Do you have a bucket list?

Not really.  I had basically one thing that I’d always wanted to accomplish and that happened way earlier than I expected, so now I’m trying to figure out what my next thing will be.

27.  Do you have a favourite album at the moment?

Blue Scholar’s Cinematropolis or Belle & Sebastian’s Dear Catastrophe Waitress.  And Velvet Underground’s Loaded, always. 

28.  What do you want for your birthday?

I’m hoping my boyfriend and I will go away for the weekend.  Fingers crossed that our schedules work out!

29.  What are most people’s first impression of you?

I think people find me to be intimidating (when they’re being generous) or mean (when they’re not).  Like I said before, I have a bit of a bitchy face and so I have to make a conscious effort to smile at people.

30.  What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m not sure.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just sort of “in my 20s” and people don’t care what the exact number is.  But in general, I think people assume I am however old they are, so anywhere from like 18-30.

31.  Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

Right next to my bed, which you shouldn’t do.  But I read on my phone before I go to sleep and I use it as an alarm clock, so it ends up on my bedside table.

32.  What word do you say the most?

It’s probably “but”.  I spend a lot of time considering all the possibilities in a given situation so I spend a lot of time being like, “but what about this? But what if that? Things could be this way, but on the other hand they’re like that”.  I don’t think I really have a catchphrase, though.

33.  What’s the oldest age you would date?

Thirty, probably?  I feel like anyone older than that is probably in a different stage of their life than I am.

34.  What’s the youngest age you would date?

Twenty three or so?  They would have to be out of college.

35.  What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Other than the job I do now, I get a lot of people saying that I should be an art curator or a museum curator.  And I get people telling me I should be a therapist, obviously.

36.  What’s your favourite music genre?

Like most people I like your general pop/rock situation.  I really like baroque pop, which is pop music but that includes orchestral instruments.  And then I also love electroswing, I think it’s such a fun blend of genres.

37.  If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

Either the Netherlands or Denmark.  But I would also like to spend some time in France and more time in Italy, where I did study abroad.  I also really love the UK, but given the current political situation I’m not sure I’ll be moving there any time soon, especially since I’d need a visa.

38.  What is your current favourite song?

I don’t know if I really have one.  I do enjoy when I hear Billie Eilish’s “Bad Guy” on the radio, though, does that count?

39.  How long have you had this blog for?

Since October, 2013!  I’m coming up on my six year anniversary.  I think I have something like 30,000 posts.

40.  What are you excited for?

The future! I think no matter how the present seems, the future is always an exciting prospect. 

41.  Are you a better talker or listener?

I think this might surprise some people, but I think I’m a better talker than listener.

42.  What is the last productive thing you did?

The last really productive thing I did was to film a pitch video for a project I’m working on, but the most recent is doing some work for this blog.

43.  What do you want for Christmas?

The impeachment of Donald Trump? Can Santa do that?  I would also take “people taking climate crisis seriously”.

44.  What class do you get the best grades in?

In high school, philosophy/religion and psychology. At university I did very well in “Iconic Figures of Popular Music: Simon and Garfunkel”.

45.  On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling?

Around a 7.  I need to get dressed and leave the house, but I don’t have anywhere in particular I need to be so I’ve been putting it off.

46.  What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

I’d like to be living in a different country than the one I do now with my boyfriend.  I’d like to be self employed or remotely employed, so that I have flexibility in when and where I do work.  I want to be doing something where I’m bettering other people’s lives or the world at large. But mostly what I’d like to be doing is traveling and learning.  But really my priority is that by that time, I want to be content with myself.  I think what you’re doing and where you’re doing it is so much less important than how you feel while doing it, and in 10 years I hope I can say that I’m living a happy and worthwhile life, whatever that ends up being.

47.  When did you get your first heart broken?

I think I was 14.  What I’ll say about it is this- in the moment it mattered so, so much to me.  My parents were the first person that each other dated and I assumed that was how all relationships worked, so when that wasn’t how this one worked out, I was devastated.  But now I barely remember that person, and  I live with someone else who’s completely different and totally awesome and I couldn’t be happier.  I know it sounds like a lie but with time and perspective all wounds can heal.

48.  At what age do you want to get married?

I didn’t think I wanted to get married at all.  I don’t like the idea of having a big wedding where you’re the center of attention and everyone is starting at you.  But in the long run being legally married is practical, so my boyfriend and I will probably do it at some point when we feel like it makes logistic sense.

49.  What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be an Imagineer at Disney.  They’re the people who design the theme parks.  I also wanted to be the president of the moon.

50.  What do you crave right now?

Excitement!  Nothing is going on in my day right now and I’m starting to get bored.  I have a very low tolerance for boredom so days like this really get to me.

[donnies-pop-tart]

WHY I’VE BEEN MIA

I’ve had the last four days off work and I didn’t realize how much of my time spent on tumblr was during my work hours. So I’ve been mostly mia except for a few posts here and there. I know there’s things I’ve been tagged in I need to get to and I’ve got some messages that need replies! I have them saved so one of these evenings when I have time at home I’ll try and do them all at once on my laptop, makes for easier typing.

In other news, I’m moving next month! Some of you I think know this already? But over the weekend my roommate’s dad went with us to the leasing office for the complex we really want to live at to help us get some answers. Their pricing for their units is the most fucked up shit I’ve ever seen and long story short we were just trying to get an apartment secured for our move in date next month without paying an extra $400 a month for rent for the entire first year. Shit was cray. But the guy was super new and super helpful and actually worked around an additional $7 upcharge which was lit (the date of availability was a Saturday and they “don’t do weekend move ins” so we wouldn’t technically get the unit until the Monday after which by then it would have been $7 more expensive which is fucking stupid. And also we both work regular business hours during the week when tf do u expect us to move in????? Whatever we’ll figure it out). SO WE APPLIED AND HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE NOW.

Also I started packing up all of my witchcraft stuff since I haven’t really been practicing lately because I’m guessing either depression or thyroid issues I still don’t know about. But I got most of it packed up last night and of course this morning while I’m sitting at work I get the itch to dive back into it. Right after I put all of my shit away. :) That always happens so I’m not that surprised - I’ll just have to fuckin deal with it. In the meantime, I found my Rosetta Stone for German and I forgot I had the homeschool edition and it’s got like workbooks and shit. With word finds and cross word puzzles!???? And there’s a curriculum test??? I gotta get an external disc drive for my laptop and see if I can get that bad boy to work because that would be super dope. And no I’m not bitter I lost my 42 day streak on Duo bc I stopped giving a fuck about the leagues.

Other than that I’m trying really hard to use this move to sort of get the stagnant energy out of my system, kinda like how I’m getting rid of and will be moving out of the stagnant energy in my current apartment. I’m just really frustrated with who I am and I’m looking at that as a good thing because I’m recognizing that I want to change. My anxiety is just being a huge pain in the ass about it, so I think once we get the move done and I have my appointment for my thyroid I’ll call my health insurance and see what they cover as far as therapists go. My stepdad said I should get 30 free sessions per year so I’ll try and get them to help me narrow down my options. I still need to be evaluated so maybe they can find me someone that does that and then I’ll just get a referral from there.

ADULTING IS HARD BUT IM DOING IT!