#i have a lot to say and not enough braincells to process it and not enough words to use

[she]

ray needing so desperately to be loved and needed and sand so promptly ready to care for this stranger throwing up in his toilet and make exceptions for him yeah im going to need a minute

[pastelspoon31]

Chapter 6: What a nice neighbour! (Older!König x Younger!Reader) - NSFW

tw: age gap (early 20s reader, AT LEAST mid-40s König), manipulation, non-con, somnophilia, drugging, gullible reader :(, a little bit of pseudo-incest, pretty much dead dove, again.. SUPER ICKY

A/N: Starting off with a little insight from König’s perspective before somno-ing our reader again ^_^

Chapter 5.5 | Chapter 6 | Masterlist

König sometimes wonder if you were genuinely that naive, or if it was a façade to get him to continue with his games.

But that was none of his concern, of course.

…Well, sort of.

He enjoyed the current dynamic between the two of you more than he'd like to admit.

Besides, it’s not like it’s his fault that you kept coming back to his place after each encounter, is it? There must be at least one braincell in that pretty little head of yours that was blaring warning signs, and yet here you always find yourself in his place somehow with your innocent, clueless, dumb smile on your face.

…Or were you just acting dumb?

Oh, that would be an entirely different case, wouldn’t it?

But, whatever. He had his fun, and he would continue to have his fun, and it was only a matter of time before he'd have his next encounter with your pretty little cunt, whether you liked it or not.

He could only hope that you'll make the right choice, and keep coming back.

You did enjoy spending time with your father figure afterall, don’t you? 

Ah, his little hase.

What a good, stupid, clueless little girl.

———

"Would you... date an older woman?" You laid in König's lap giggling in an almost ditzy manner as you asked.

Spending dinner at his place again, you both somehow ended up on his couch playing a game of truth or dare- but it was mostly truths since the both of you were comfortable enough with each other at this point.

"I have, liebling." He chuckled. "Why, are you jealous?" He teased.

"You have?" You let out a little gasp, purposely ignoring the following question. “How old? I mean you're pretty old yourself so..-"

"Hey!" He playfully smacked your forehead as you giggled.

"Well, if you must know, she was a beautiful woman in her mid forties."

"So you have a type?" You tilted your head.

"Not exactly." He chuckled. "She was just.. someone I relied on for a bit while I was in the process of getting over my late wife," His tone was a bit somber as he talked about it, his hand stroking your hair.

"I see... Sorry, I didn't mean to bring back any memories."

"It's alright, liebling. You're too young to be worried about the past. It's not a burden for me anymore, so don't let it be for you." He continued caressing your hair.

"How about you? Would you.. date older men?" He tried not to smirk at the idea.

"I would," You answered almost immediately, "I mean, if they were attractive, then I wouldn't mind."

"So what you're saying is, if an old geezer asked you out, you'd go for it?" He teased as he looked down at your scrunched up face.

"Geezer? Who taught you that word?!" You chuckled as the wine in your glass sloshed around.

"You're not the only one who can use the internet, hase." He grinned, and you laughed.

"You're right. But, if the man is a geezer, I wouldn't. Maybe a gentleman who's a bit older, but not a geezer."

"Ah, so a gentleman who's a bit older." He hummed, pretending to not know who you were talking about.

"Yeah. Like, someone who knows a lot about the world, and is experienced." You continued, oblivious to the growing smirk on König’s lips.

"Someone like an old war veteran?" He asked, his hand now trailing down your back, rubbing it gently.

So comfy…

"Yes! Like an old war vet- I mean, yes, someone like that. I wouldn't mind. I mean, not really." You babbled, giggling as a strange fluffy feeling starts to cloud your mind.

Someone capable, ready to settle down- Maybe even already financially stable!

You were not against working together with your partner to achieve financial freedom but it's just easier if it's not an issue to think of anymore right?

But of course, that was not your main criteria! You were not a gold digger!

As long as that someone is nice, takes care of you, loves you..

Someone who is reliable, strong, and can teach you the ropes on things you don't learn in school.

Someone like König, perhaps.

...

Someone like König?

"Not you though, you're like.. my father-figure so you don't have to feel weird about asking." You quickly countered after a brief period of awkward silence.

"Oh, is that so, hase?" He smiled, "You're a very honest girl when you're drunk. And what makes you think I would have any interest in you that way?" He chuckled.

...You definitely read him wrong.

Shit.

"I didn't say that! I mean- well, you're my dad. But like, not like a real dad, I mean.." You blushed and turned away, hiding your face in his thigh. "Ugh.. I hate it when you tease me like this.."

"Aww, but hase, it's cute." He chuckled.

"Only you think it's cute.."

"So if I asked you, you'd say no, hm?" He asked, his hand still stroking your hair.

"No to what? I mean- I'm sorry, I'm not making sense, am I?" You laughed.

"Do you want me to be blunt, liebling?"

"You always are.."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about." He took your glass and set it on the coffee table before pulling you to sit up on his lap. The fuzzy feeling in your skull making your head almost too heavy to hold up by yourself, making you lean onto his shoulder as you looked up at the older man with a dazed expression.

“Hm..?" You blushed as you looked at him. "What do you mean..?"

"Don't play coy with me, liebling." He held you closer. "I'm asking if you'd be okay with being more than a daughter."

Well, that was unexpected.

"I.. I mean, I guess." You frowned lightly. König sure is being a bit weird right now.

Afterall, what does he mean more than a daughter? Like a real daughter? What a silly suggestion! He’s obviously German so there’s no way-

"You guess? Don't tell me you have no feelings for me, hase?" He faked a sad look.

This feels.. strange. He has feelings for you? That can’t be right..

"Of course not! It's not that, König, it's just.." You blushed, "I'm just not sure if I'm.. Ready."

"For what?" He stroked your hair.

"Well, everything.." You sighed, and looked down. "You're like a father to me and you've been helping me a lot and.. and-"

"And? There's more, hase. What's on your mind?" He rubbed your back soothingly, and you felt yourself relaxing under his touch.

"I feel guilty."

"Guilty? What for?" He frowned.

"Because I.. I.." You felt yourself blushing harder.

"I've been feeling weird about you." You admitted, your voice quiet.

"Weird? In a good way, I hope."

"I mean, yeah.. You're a really good guy. You're like, perfect. Too perfect." You sighed and leaned into him closer.

"And... Sometimes.." Your drunken mind struggled with your rational side, wondering if you should reveal something that had been plaguing you for a while.

"Sometimes what, hase?" He hummed.

"I've dreamt.." You contemplated telling him.

He wouldn’t judge you, right? He promised that he never would so technically.. It should be safe to tell him, especially with all the other things you have trusted him with!

"About what, liebling?" He cooed, rubbing his hands down your arms.

"At night.. Well, every night.. I have been dreaming about you.." Your voice was soft and meek as you spoke.

"I see.." König couldn't help the grin that was growing on his face.

"But, it's not.. It's not like a normal dream. Like... More intimate," You hid your blushing face in his shoulder, the alcohol finally loosening you up.

Or rather whatever the hell that König had added to your drink, again.

"More intimate, hm? Like what, hase?" He couldn't stop grinning.

"Like.. Like the dreams where it feels really real and you're touching me and it's.. I wake up and the um.. white sticky fluids I told you about.." You trailed off in embarrassment.

"Ah.. So you've been holding back details the other day when I was checking you.."

"I'm sorry.." The embarrassment and guilt was unmistaken in your tone as you looked away, eyes barely open.

"Oh, hase, don't be. It's only natural." He kissed your forehead, his hands stroking the back of your head.

"I'm sorry.." You apologized again, still trying to look at him in the eyes.

God, your head felt so heavy.

"Don't be.." He continued to hush you, "It's normal. And there's nothing to feel guilty about. It's only natural that you'd have sexual urges." He cooed, trying his best not to sound so excited.

"It's embarrassing, König.. M’not.. Not.. Hmm..” König felt his cock harden as you head tilted to the side, your consciousness slowly slipping away right before his eyes again.

"Oh, but why?" He chuckled, "I'm like your father. Of course, I wouldn't get angry. It's just another thing that happens. You can't control it.." He cooed as he

"Mmm.."

"Now, don't worry about a thing." His eyes glinted with excitement as he saw the crushed pill in your drink take effect once again as your eyes struggled to stay open.

"It's okay. Everything's fine, liebling. Just close your eyes and relax.."

You could barely nod and let your eyes close as König stroked your hair, humming softly.

"Just drift off to sleep, hase.." He continued his hypnotic strokes, his humming sending you to a dreamless state of bliss.

"That's a good girl.."

When he was certain you were out cold, König laid you on the couch and carried you upstairs to his bedroom.

"Let's see how wet that cunny of yours is tonight, hm?" He chuckled as he laid you down and carefully took off your clothes.

"Ah, and look at that.."

You were dripping already.

"How sweet.."

He spread your legs, and began lapping at your folds.

"Oh, sweet liebling.."

His tongue pushed past the barrier of your cunt, lapping at the slick walls, sucking on the soft skin.

"You taste so fucking good as always.." He groaned, his hands holding onto your hips.

"I bet you were thinking about me fucking your little brains out, weren't you? You've been such a needy little girl. Dreaming about your König fucking you all the time." He continued licking and sucking your sweet little cunny, his chin already wet with your slick.

"Such a needy little girl, hase.."

König pulled away from your dripping pussy, a string of saliva and your juices still connecting his mouth to your glistening pussy.

"Look at the mess you've made, liebling." He tutted, and grabbed a cloth.

"Soaking my bed and leaving a mess on the sheets.." He cleaned the slick up, and wiped his chin clean.

"And you didn't even realize it, did you? Dirty girl.."

"I wonder, would you be embarrassed if I showed you a pictures of this, hase? What if I woke you up and showed you how dirty you were, hm?"

"I wonder what you'd do, hase."

"Maybe, I should take a video and show it to you so you can see how much of a mess you've made.." He tapped his cockhead on your swollen clit. “I do have a big collection of just you,”

"It's quite the sight to behold, afterall," The older man chuckled to himself.

"But then again, I can't be too cruel. I don't want you to panic and run away from me." He smirked, his cock throbbing as he rubbed it between your folds.

"After all, I'm not a monster. I just.. get a little bit ahead of myself sometimes.”

He pushed past your tight entrance, feeling your wet walls fluttering around his massive throbbing cock as he bottomed out.

"A-ah, hase.." König let out a low groan as he buried his cock inside of your cunt, your pussy clenching tightly.

"My pretty girl.." He praised, his hands grabbing onto your hips.

"You're a natural born whore for me, aren't you?" He cooed.

"Tight and wet for your König.." He slowly began pulling out.

"A-ah!~" You were unconscious, and yet the sounds you were making were so lewd.

"My sweet, pretty girl.." He thrusted back in, letting out a moan.

"Fuck.. Fuck, hase..!" König groaned and thrusted his cock into your tight hole, feeling the slick walls of your pussy gripping him.

"I'll fill you up nice and full, liebling.." He grunted, his fingers digging into your skin.

"F-fuck.. Hase.. You feel so fucking good..!"

"I can't wait to have you begging for my cock.." He moaned.

Your face was scrunched up as you whined in your sleep.

"You'll be mine, won't you?" He grunted as he thrust harder.

"Won't you, liebling? You'll be my sweet, pretty whore and you'll come to me whenever you need to be fucked, hm?" König smirked as he heard you whine more in your sleep.

"You'd do that for me, hase? Let this old man take care of you? I'd give you everything you ever wanted, liebling.. All the gifts and treats.."

"You just have to be mine." He pulled your legs up and bent them towards your chest, fucking into you harder.

"Ngh, f-fuck.. Liebling..!" He groaned, his fingers digging deeper.

"You feel so good, hase.. I'm close.. You'll take my cum, won't you, hase? My pretty hase.." You let out a soft moan and clenched around him, and König groaned.

"F-fuck..! I'm coming.." He gasped, his cock throbbing.

"Take my cum, hase.. Take it all..!" He spilled inside of you, filling you up with his seed, his cock still pulsing.

"Mm.. Mein liebling.." He gently put your legs back down and pulled out.

"Oh, hase.. Such a sweet girl.." He murmured and rubbed his thumb over your cunt, the swollen lips glistening with slick and his cum.

"So dumb and trusting of your König.. Letting him fuck your brains out without knowing.." You remained unconscious as he pushed the cum back into your abused cunny and put your underwear back on, giving it a couple soft pats right above your abused clit for good measure.

"Don't worry, liebling. You won't remember a thing.." He chuckled as he pulled the rest of your clothes back on.

"And when the time is right, you'll know everything.." He gave you a sweet kiss before pulling you onto his chest, falling asleep himself.

———

"König?" You woke up feeling disoriented and confused, seeing yourself in König's room.

"Liebling." König smiled warmly at you, "I'm glad you're awake. I was a bit worried you'd pass out and miss your classes today," He was getting ready himself, pulling on his t-shirt.

"Uh.. What happened last night? I don't remember anything after dinner.." You tried to sit up but were met with a sharp pain in your lower body.

"Ouch.." You whined softly. König smirked to himself as he heard you complain but played oblivious as he sat down beside you.

"What's wrong, hase?" He feigned concern.

"Ugh.. My stomach hurts.. I think it's the wine.." You rubbed your tummy with a soft pout- A sight that made König’s cock twitch in his pants.

If only you know all the ways you drive him crazy…

"Ah, you must have drank too much. You fell asleep while we were playing, so I brought you up here." He lied smoothly.

"I see.." You winced in pain from the growing headache throbbing in your head.

"Would you like some medicine?" He offered.

"No, no, it's okay." You groaned lightly as you sat up- Immediately felt something gush out of your sore pussy, making you panic.

"Ahh! K-König!-”

"Hase?"

"The.. T-The stuff.. It's there again-" You whimpered, feeling like you wanted to cry.

"The what, liebling?" König looked at you with a calm smile.

"T-The sticky fluid.." You felt embarrassed, but knew that if you didn't tell him, he'd probably scold you.

"Ah, hase.. Did you dream about me again?" He cooed and cupped your cheek, his thumb rubbing against it soothingly.

"Y-yes.."

"Oh, liebling.." He hummed, and pulled you closer, "It's okay. It's normal, ja? There's nothing to be embarrassed about." He smiled.

"But.."

"But, what, liebling?"

"I made a mess.."

"Oh, hase, it's okay. I'll take a closer inspection and we'll get that sorted out, okay?" He smiled sweetly.

"O-okay.."

"Now, spread your legs, hase. Let your König take care of you, ja?”

[bryce-bucher]

500 CALIBER CONTRACTZ Post #12

Dialogue!!!11:

The main thing I did over the past week or so was put together this dialogue system. The system itself was fairly easily to implement, and I think the only interesting part of the process to share is how I went about making the UI. As per usual, I wanted to have a cool mechanical feeling ui, but at the same time a friend of mine suggested an AOL instant messenger inspired chat window. I loved both of these ideas so I decided to combine them into a screen that pops up and contains the aim-like window. The modeling process for the screen was similar to how I went about making the other two bits of ui that are on screen in the above photos, but I decided to include a VGA port.

VGA PORT:

I didn't originally plan to include a VGA port, but I was in the middle of researching monitors and accidentally left a window open on my computer that just had a big photo of one and I went "wait a minute.". With my final two braincells I suddenly decided to slap together a model for the port which I ended up being proud enough of to, for some reason, make an entire section for it.

Sorry if any of the above sentences read horribly. I am going to need a third braincell if you want this stuff to be coherent. Anyway, Blender is so cool. Using the array modifier to make all these lil squares for the holes in the port is just such a satisfying process. I've come to really like makin pre-rendered assets like this.

New Movez:

This is actually a pretty big inclusion, and I probably should've ranked it in my mind above the VGA port. I added some new movement options to the game!

Firstly, I added this melee move where you swing the back of the sniper forwards to propel yourself a bit. It is mainly useful as a bunnyhop that allows you to conserve momentum.

Next up I added this kick that happens if you melee while in the air. It's basically just the one from mario64. It lets you gain a little bit more height and distance. It also becomes way more effective if you have a lot of momentum. A good tool for correcting jumps and reaching new heights.

Finally, we have the big schmovement slide. This slide gives you a huge burst of speed that you can jump out of in order to send your self flyin. Surprisingly, it didn't really break any of the level design and ended up being a really fun addition imo. In order to perform it, you have to do a ground pound and then melee as you hit the ground. Also, I feel like I basically stole this from pseudoregalia. Played through that recently and it has been a good source of inspiration.

Nova!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:

This is a cameo skin I've been really excited to finally make myself put in the game. Anodyne 2 is a really important game to me, and I love it much. I'm really happy tha folks at analgesic let me put her in here, and I'm p happy with how her model came together. If you haven't peeped the Anodyne games I highly recommend them. The first one was a major inspiration for parts of Fatum Betula.

Conclusion:

Lately I've been playing this game way too much. It has made it impossible for me to tell if it is fun or well designed. Some problems cropped up during playtesting that ima need to address, and I hope that it all comes together into something that one could say is "fun and cool". I think takin this weekend off is gonna do my brain good. Oh yeah also I feel like I should advertise that I'm still doing commissions if anyone is interested. Anyway, have a good 1 and enjoy urself.

[kozukatt]

i wanna see those ninjago headcanons pleaseeeeee

ask and you shall receive :3

Lloyd:

𑁍 he would be the one to sneak food out of the kitchen

𑁍 whenever Zane’s baking he’s there ready to taste test and steal chocolate chips

𑁍 everyone keeps forgetting he’s just a kid in an adult body so even though he acts tough Lloyd is actually terrified of fighting 

𑁍 after Harumi died in the collapsed building he took a few days off to process the whole thing

𑁍 Kai is a big brother to Lloyd so whenever he’s upset Kai’s always there to help

𑁍 same thing with Nya; she’s a big sister and the middle sibling of the RGB trio

𑁍 Lloyd respects everyone on the team for practically raising him and dealing with his evil phase

Kai:

ꕥ will ironically say “FIYAAAA!” But everyone is used to it so there’s no reaction

ꕥ literally an oven

ꕥ remember in s1 when he found Zane in the fridge? Yeah he never lets him live it down even though he chilled in the oven around that time

ꕥ blames himself for every little thing that goes wrong on a mission

ꕥ takes criticism hard

ꕥ grew to be less protective of Nya but he still worries about her time to time

ꕥ relies on his elemental abilities so when they’re taken away (s10) he feels utterly useless 

ꕥ avoids water because 1: he’s terrified of it and 2: so he won’t ruin his hair

ꕥ Kai’s only afraid of bodies of water so anything more than Nya’s abilities is terrifying to him

Cole:

 he’s simply a bear

 a plus size god

(Minor TW for eating disorder)

 developed an eating disorder during the 1 year time skip as a way to punish himself 

(TW over :3)

 video games are his outlet

 never actually had a crush on Nya he was just confused and felt like he had to feel like he liked her

 amazing at sarcasm

 his and Jay’s bromance can never be broken

 even though his relationship with his dad got better he still never feels like he’s enough

 is afraid of singing because of a deep rooted fear of failing stemmed from his dad

 he’s an amazing listener and comforts the team whenever they need

Jay:

✫ has repressed his comic nerd until Lloyd came along

✫ ADHD at its finest

✫ hyper fixated on comic book characters to try and escape his responsibilities 

✫ gaming with Cole is one of his outlets 

✫ doesn’t like to be called out on his faults but will take them well and improve

✫ still feels resentful to his biological mother and father for leaving him but is glad he has Ed and Edna

✫ his hair is always staticky and always shocks people

✫ isn’t allowed in the kitchen because once he tried starting a fire and blew up the oven

✫ his freckles developed after acne and are a result of scars from said acne

✫ a natural ginger

Zane: 

❄︎ his hair is individual strands of synthetic hair

❄︎ whenever his skin got damaged in s1-3 it would mend back together like real skin

❄︎ when he rebuilt himself he only had basic functions but as time went on Jay added on the ability to feel temperature and other things

❄︎ he constantly has imposter syndrome for being a nindroid

❄︎ he has immense respect for his team and Wu

❄︎ the only rational braincell of the group

❄︎ acts irrationally though when it comes to family (Falcon, the ninja, etc.)

❄︎ he sometimes gets rusty and has trouble moving without pain

❄︎ constantly cold but doesn’t feel it so it takes fire or some other super hot thing to make him even a little warm

❄︎ cooking and baking for the team and people he cares about is his way of showing love

❄︎ whenever someone is having trouble with something he will be there to help no matter what

Nya:

༄ she’s a buff queen

༄ one of the tallest of the group

༄ doesn’t have a good relationship with her mother until the end of seabound

༄ even after she reached her full potential Nya is constantly afraid of failing 

༄ her and Kai relied on each other a lot when they were growing up

༄ they didn’t have a good relationship when they were younger but after Wu took them in they had a stable environment and were able to have a better relationship 

༄ wants to prove to herself and others that she’s worthy of being on the team

༄ has a grudge against Dareth for trying to downplay her 

༄ HATES being put into stereotypes 

༄ never backs down from a fight 

༄ even when she knows she can’t win Nya’s able to stall until catching them off guard to gain the upper hand

[blackbat05]

Complete Faith

Steven Grant x Reader

A/N: I foresee more of these fics to cope🙂 but I hope it brings you comfort too in tough times. Steven being a sweetheart as always💞

Genre: PG-13

Warnings: Self-doubt, insecurity. Only my two braincells writing this.

***

You ambled into the room, carefully placing your bag at the side before settling on the swivel chair.

Steven who is on the bed, puts a bookmark in his novel, turning his attention to you.

“Bad day?”

“Nah, just exhausted.” You smiled weakly. It was only a few weeks in but somehow, you found yourself easily overwhelmed.

Taking a deep breath, you composed yourself mentally. Before Steven can ask you further, you decide to interject, asking about the novel in his hand - a book about old Egyptian times.

Steven shares, and his enthusiasm is what you need to momentarily keep your mind away from whatever is going on.

“Enough about me,” he shifts his position, swinging his legs off the bed. “Anything you want to share with me?”

Steven was so genuine, so caring. How could you deny him the right to know what was buzzing in your head?

He was a great source of support ever since you met him in the museum while you were taking a break from work. He deserves to know.

“It’s crazy. It hasn’t been a month yet and I’m already feeling all sorts of things. I must be mad.” You attempt to laugh it off, only to see the browns of his eyes soften.

“Love, you’re literally talking to me. I think I’ll decide what’s mad.” Steven takes your hands into his.

“What kind of things?”

You don’t know where to start, but Steven doesn’t rush you to tell him.

“Well, for starters I feel like I’m a twenty-four seven klutz. Can’t do anything right.” You suddenly find yourself focusing on twiddling your thumbs. There, you got it out.

Steven takes some time to process the information. He doesn’t want to cut you off immediately. He knows there’s more. Silence can be powerful when used correctly.

“And I know I shouldn’t be complaining when other people have it way much tougher,” you sighed. “But my emotions are all over the place more than usual.” You look at him, a non-verbal signal for Steven that it was ok for him to speak now.

Steven always chooses his words carefully, and this time it’s no different.

“We all have different thresholds for stress love, I’m just glad you told me.” He says quietly, waiting for your reaction.

You had so much affection for this man in front of you, and now it only increased by tenfold.

“How are you so rational?”

“Takes a lot of practice.” Steven holds your hands gently, telling you to relax your body.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, love. You’re only just starting out - if there’s anytime to make mistakes, it’s now.” Hazel eyes oozing sincerity, he made you forget your worries in that moment.

“Thank you, I mean it. I know that I shouldn’t beat myself up but it’s easier said than done.” You sighed, internally blaming your mind’s tendency to go into overdrive.

“Then I’ll be there to remind you at every step of the way.”

A minute of silence passes between the two of you and in typical fashion, your stomach growls, bringing it to both of your attention. Steven chuckles.

“Hungry?”

And that’s how the two of you end up at the marbled counter top with a shared pot of piping hot ramen. Slurping the noodles from your bowl greedily, you were grateful for the spiciness.

“So, its the weekend. Anything we could do?” You knew Steven had meant well but you felt that he had already done so much.

“That’s alright Steven, you must be tired too.”

“Nah, we could do something else instead.” Steven thinks carefully. “How about that newly renovated library? Then we could get some lunch at the food court.”

He truly knew you inside out.

“I’ll love that.”

As the bowl of soup started to decrease in level, you felt oddly warm in a good way. Steven seems to be able to read your mind, as he starts to clear the dishes.

The two of you moved like clockwork, and you find yourself back in bed, more relaxed than you were. Curtains drawn, you find yourself staring at the tiny street light that found its way into your house.

“Hey Steven?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.” You rolled over to face him, nuzzling your nose into the crook of his neck.

He can’t help but to smile serenely, patting the back of your head. Steven knows that even though he can’t make all your problems disappear, he was willing to do whatever it took to make your load lighter.

But one thing he was damn sure about - he had complete faith that you could do it. And he was going to be there every step of the way.

[acrylicscore]

So like, I felt like doing a little “My MCSM Choices and Headcanons” post, just as a like basis for my personal canon on MCSM while also additional letting people who read my blog know what to expect from me in terms of this silly block game.

I will place my choices in “read more” so those that don’t wanna don’t gotta.

Jesse Type:

Red-Suspender Jesse.

He’s just my favourite little guy. He just seems different. Like honestly, compared to Green-Suspender Jesse (who I’ve found people view as a gruff and bulky short-stack that has the most adorable puppy eyes, and I love it), I like to view Red-Suspender Jesse as this short skinny dainty looking thing that is somehow the scar-covered hero that saved the world. Anyone who is directly looking for him is like “Oh you’re the famous Jesse? I thought you’d be tougher looking”, and then they immediately meet their fate on the floor in the Family Guy dead pose. But of course, Green-Suspender Jesse is my second choice.

Jesse Personality:

Chaotic Neutral or True Neutral

Some days he’s a sweetheart, other days he’s a little shit. There is no telling what this man’s personality could be at any given moment. There is no pattern. But he’s naturally cheeky so who knows.

Also he’s one of those people that doesn’t process his emotions too well. So for my Jesse, he’s naturally sad at heart, which results in him finding it difficult to cope with extra sadness too well, but also having a constant longing feeling for happiness or moments of pure bliss. He finds that the best way to fill that void is helping people or being in the act of helping people. If left doing nothing for too long, he gets very unstable.

He also feeds off of other people’s happiness and joy, especially his friends. He’s his happiest around people he loves. If left totally alone, he can’t cope.

Prefered Armours:

Shield of Infinity

I adore Shield of Infinity! There’s just something about it that just makes my brain happy. It have this really regal/majestic vibe to it (which is also mentioned in game), and it looks to incorporate emeralds into its patterns. Not only that but spikes on the shoulders! Also its Lapis Blue in colour.

Tooth Chipper

I just really like how simple this one is. While the Underneath’s armours don’t get much love, I would just like to say I love this one. It doesn’t feel too cluttered compared to the other armours on offer.

Favourite New Order Member:

Olivia

I just can’t describe it, but I LOVE Olivia. She’s just that vibey bestie that’s not afriad to tell you you’re an idiot in the most serious or sarcastic tone ever. She’s also like that friend that is more like a sister and will annoy the hell out of you if given the chance.

I will say though, Jesse is normally my favourite NOOTS member, but he can be shoved to the side for favouritism punishment.

Favourite Old Order Member:

Ellegaard

Omg the redstoners are my favourites, what a surprise! But seriously though, for me Ellie is just really neat. She has that “I don’t like people” charm to her. Like, she’s very awkward in conversation and seems like she doesn’t realise what she’s saying until long after she’s spoken. She’s quirky, like me-

Ivor was also shunted to the side because of favouritism punishment. He can be a family in the corner with Jesse.

Favourite Side Character:

Gill

Why do I like Gill? Fuck you, that’s why. He’s just so goofy and huggable and “I don’t know wtf i’m doing” coded. He lives in my head rent free. He just wants to vibe but Aiden wouldn’t let him.

Also I project a lot of personality and ideas onto Gill, and I specialise in pairing him with Jesse in the most dumbass situations where Jesse progressively loses more braincells the more time he spends with Gill. I just love them <3

Favourite Villain:

Cassie Rose

I prefer Cassie overall. She’s mysterious, and she’s lashing out because of cruelty done to her in her shrouded past. You don’t know why she’s angry or why she resorted to murder, but you know enough to understand why she wouldn’t simply reach out for help. Also she’s a cat person, and I simply cat pass up a cat-person coded character.

Favourite S2 Character:

Jack

Personally I don’t like the Season 2 characters, with the majority of them just completely escaping from my memory until someone mentions their name. However, I do have my preferences in Jack, Nurm and Radar; the Beacon Town bois.

Jack was the one I got attached to the most, with Nurm followed very close behind. He radiates “cool uncle” energy that makes me smile every time, especially when he’s showing off or bragging. Even if people find his bragging habit annoying, I personally love it because it’s just a simple touch of world building and fun interaction. He’s just fun.

Leave or Stay:

Stayed in Beacon Town

This choice is basically “Be Gay or Do Crime” and I chose to be gay, just not gay for Lukas.

On a reasonable note, I honestly think the reason Jesse would have stayed in Beacon Town would be from a guilty conscience. He feels he’s to blame for the destruction and disruption of both Beacon Town and Champion City, and that everything that happened is all his fault because he was the one that first lured the Admin in, even if accidentally. He wants to fix his mistakes, not abandon them.

We are now entering more-so Headcanon territory

Ships:

Jesse x Gill

It’s a stupid ship, but its my stupid ship. I will love them till the end of time.

Lukas x Olivia

They have such nice chemistry, and also they’re both nerds that just click for me.

Ivor x Harper

We all know why.

Jack x Nurm

They are husbands, your honour.

Jesse x Cassie

This isn’t a very prominent ship of mine, and often takes a more friendship-like approach anyway. This is honestly just here because of AU reasons, as for some reason if I have an AU where Jesse and Gill don’t interact (either at all or really late) then Cassie is automatically Jesse’s best friend. This is the case for Lapis Swap and Ender Child.

Despite this, this ship is either “They’re best friends” or “They are specifically romantically insterested”, which is why I’m listing it as a ship. There is only one of my AUs that’s somewhere in the middle, but other than that it’s between those two options. Although I will say, there are only a total of four AUs of mine that have Jesse and Cassie interact like this.

Other than that, I still think its funny if regular canon Jesse had an “Oh she’s cute” moment when first meeting Cassie. Basically Cassie was Jesse’s “Omg I’m not just gay” awakening but he won’t dare to admit it.

Jesse x Lukas

I don’t generally ship this one, but it’s the ship that I love reading about and viewing art for. I just love the fanfictions and art pieces I find, with pretty much everything being some of the best works I’ve encountered for any fandom. Its the ship that I just follow the fandom for, but I still have a great appreciation for.

Canon Event:

I’ve never watched Spiderverse so I’m just guessing if I’m using the term right.

In my canon of MCSM, the canon event is Jesse’s childhood home being destroyed when he was a child. Yes yes, I’m going for the “Jesse is an orphan” trope, but its fine. This event is what pushes forward a lot of my canon and also AU stories, and is altered accordingly when needed.

So info about this day; Jesse’s home is attacked by griefers when he was age 6, resulting in him fleeing from home (and dad’s death). However on this particular day there were multiple presences in the area; Sammy, Jack & Vos, who were coming to visit the family as Sammy was Jesse’s biological aunt; Ellegaard, who was heading back to Redstonia with a crew of miners who had come back from a mining expedition; and Ivor, who was travelling to collect materials to take back to his lab. Out of everyone to encounter, Jesse encounters Ivor, who then fended off any pursuing griefers to protect the child. He then takes him to the nearest town to ensure Jesse was a bit safer.

This event can be altered in many ways to suit my AU differences, like encountering Sammy’s group, or encountering Ellegaard, or simply Ivor taking care of Jesse himself. I have even changed the time that the event takes place, or removed it all together. Honestly, if I make an AU revolving around Jesse, this is the spot that I look at beforehand.

AUs (listed):

Lapis Swap AU

Ender Child AU (Son of Soren AU)

Engineer Jesse AU (Son of Ellegaard AU)

Alchemist Jesse AU (Son of Ivor AU)

Jack’s Nephew AU

Secret Elytrians AU

Origins AU

Early Daughter AU

“It Never Happened” AU

Permanent Champion AU

Admin Order AU

If there are any AUs that may intrigue you, feel free to ask. I’m always happy to chat about them and answer questions.

Little Side Idea I Wanna Share:

I’m giving Jesse a parrot.

Yes, I know Lluna exists, but she’s still technically Stella’s pet. And also yes, Jesse may not be able to fully get over Reuben, but sometimes getting another pet is the best way to move on.

Also the main reason I’m giving Jesse a parrot is due to my post-canon events. Long story short, the Order is severely injured but Jesse has it worse and is permanently out of commission. The rest of the Order healed to a reasonable health before Jesse could, so they could head back to their respective towns. Although, a couple of days before they do, Jack and Jesse find a young parrot fresh out of the nest without any feathers except one single lapis-blue tail feather. Jack recommends (forces) Jesse to take care of the bird while he was recovering, as Jack could definitely see that Jesse’s mental state wasn’t too good, but also the parrot’s lack of feathers was due to parrot depression too. While reluctant at first, after the first night he started connecting with the parrot almost immediately as the two found their similarities really quick, and helped each other into healing (physically & mentally).

Basically my whole purpose for the parrot is for the analogy and comparision for healing. Jesse is devasted that he can’t do what he loves anymore because of his injuries, so there would be every chance that he would spiral downwards, so give him the one thing he needs to prevent that from happening; company. The others, despite their efforts, are always going to have to leave, so Jesse needs someone who won’t leave. Not only that, but Jesse is someone who just feels the need to help people, to help others. So in my theory, you give him someone who won’t need his side but also someone who needs his help too. So I gave him a parrot friend.

Also the parrot’s name is Lazuli, because she has lapis blue feathers. She was named that because of the singular tail feather she had initially though before she healed.

She also acts as a messager around Beacon Town, because why the hell not.

Hope this opens up a but about my personal canon of Minecraft Story Mode. I’m quite happy with what information I’ve given about my brain, but if you have questions, don’t be afraid to ask.

Have a good day!

[safely-in-vhagars-belly]

fire and blood the fanfic, chapter 16: Last fluttering of wings, prisoner exchange dark and i mean dark aemond and aegon as well as a lenghty chapter full of torture. Part 16 of a story.

Concept: You were aemonds and aegons fuckbuddy before the greens decided to take the throne, once they took the throne, they killed your father, you were upset about that but convinced they loved you anyway and since it was criston who killed them you didnt blame them as much for it, after you threw a tantrum at your fathers funeral after learning that aemond is engaged and aegon has a fourth child on the way, (and both ignored you for weeks and also didnt bother to be at you know, your fathers funeral) you all got into a huge agressive fight that ended with a lot of dark stuff and you getting shoved into a cage. HOWEVER- *Takes a sip of waterbottle* Aemond ''killed'' luc and you were allowed out to be his gift for his heroic deeds (their words not mine) and two assasins mistook you for Helaena, bringing you to Dragonstone where Jacerys proposed to you, planning to make your family the new high family of the reach, as well as dealing a hard blow to aemond and aegon in the process. But can you say yes?

warnings: dark aemond, dark aegon, non-con, dub-con, violence, war crimes smut breeding kinks, rough sex and other things. They call Rhaenys unkind things as well.

Otto, seeing that his grandsons did not inherit a single braincell from him.

Jace still holds your hand, ready and eager to push his rings on your fingers. To make you his Queen. You gently slide your hands out of his. You know the iron throne. You know the realm. It's a cost you can't bear and nor will you pass it down to any of your possible children.

Your heart is broken. Your sister is gone, and they did it. They killed her. You killed her indirectly.

You help Jace up, as your friend, and as his future subject. 'You flatter me, my Prince. But even you must understand that I can't possibly accept.' You hope that is enough, but judging his face, it is not.

Your head bops up and down in Baela's direction. 'There are two ladies who should sit that iron chair, and none of them are me.' You hand him back his ring, gently.

He takes it very well. He stands up and straightens his back and keeps respectful. You expected him to throw a tantrum or perhaps to even cry. But he is no Aegon. He is not Aemond. He is Jace. He is calm and gentle. He will never hurt you. 'I am so sorry, Brienne. I had hoped you would accept this proposal.' Jace sighs dramatically, and the way he touches your face reminds you of Aegon.

You nod. 'I understand, my friend. I hope we can remain friends. We can forget this ever happened.'

Daemon reads the letter and his brows raise in mockery as he hands the paper to his Queen. She takes it from him and reads it, her heart clearly sinking. You watch in horror. 'More bad news?' You guess nervously playing with your bracelet.

The Queen sighs before giving her husband a nod. 'It is war, Brienne. You understand that I lost my son already.' She says. 'And a daughter too.'

A guard suddenly appears behind you, taking you into custody. 'Please escort Lady Beesburry back to her rooms. It is time I have a chat with my son and my heir.' She gives Jace a glare. You are grabbed by your arms and escorted out of the rooms.

-- The next morning, the reality is hitting you hard. Your sister is gone. She was good and kind. Sometimes, you fought like all siblings. You are glad she went after your father. He could not survive the thought of living in a world without her. But then again, neither can you.

You have been given a basket of books and do a bit of reading, but you end up reading the same sentence over and over and over. There are many good stories in your basket that you can't focus on. You have the feeling that a dark storm is approaching and it's coming in fast.

The door of your cell is unlocked, and two guards escort you out of it, to the throne room. Rhaenyra sits the throne and is waiting for you. She seems tired and restless. Daemon is near her side, and so is jace.

Still a lady, you curtsy. 'Good morrow, my queen. Is there any way I may be of service?'

Rhaenyra's smile breaks briefly, and you see that she avoids your eyes. 'I am sorry. You have no dragon. Rhaenys does.' What does that even mean? Of course, you do not have a dragon. You are Beesburry.

Rhaenys does. 'What does that mean?' You blurt out confused.

Daemon smiles, and you feel yourself become uneasy by his smug little smile. 'It means you are going back to sucking cocks and getting fucked soon. Aemond and Aegon agreed on a prisoner exchange. Your useless ass for Rhaenys and her dragon.' You are shocked.

Shocked because they agreed to that. You are so useless compared to a dragon or a princess. 'But I do no longer wish to be there. They will hurt me.' Your voice becomes small and breakable.

The Queen sighs and she seems to pity you. 'My hands are tied. We already agreed to meet them.' You wish there was another way. You will not go back to them. You would rather die.

Daemon seems to notice you are about to run and grabs you by your waiste as he chains you as if you are an animal.

--------- They choose a spot on neutral ground, near a forest. There is an open field near the King's Woods where they will do the exchange. The time has been set during noon. You were transported on Dragon back. You cried and screamed the entire ride. You never rode a dragon before.

You have chains around your neck and hands, and Daemon drags you along to the agreed spot. He and Rhaenyra and their children and all of their dragons are waiting for the two Greens.

During the sun's brightest hour, you notice two familiar dragons circling the skies before landing as well. Vhagar and Sunfyre. Aemond lands Vhagar and gets off. Sunfyre and Aegon land near you, and you keep your distance still not used to the gigantic animals they all seem so familiar with. You are more terrified of the dragons than of your fate.

Rhaenyra keeps her distance from both her brothers when Daemon sharply tugs your collar, dragging you with him to his nephews. You are forced to walk with him, but his legs are longer, so you need to hurry up.

Aegon bristles in anger when Aemond takes in your body. They did not allow you another gown, so you are still wearing the one you were captured in. His reward gown. Daemon halts in the middle of the field and waits for them to come.

Aemond decides to come over so his king can stay safely with the dragons and the guard. 'That is not yours, Uncle. That belongs to me and my brother.' He says arrogantly. You bite your lip. He looks to you. 'And you? You can prepare yourself for a proper and suitable punishment, Lady Beesbury.'

Daemon ignores your soft whimpers. 'Where is Rhaenys?'

You back away, slightly stepping on Daemon's foot. You are quick to apologise, but Daemon doesn't even seem to notice. He watches Rhaenys being dragged out by a leash as well. Her gown is ripped, and the once white fabric turned an awful crimson colour. She has burns on her body and also a huge scar by her cheeks. Aemond proudly takes her from Cole, who delivers her. Aemond seems to look around for her husband.

The Sea snake spots him. Aemond makes a show of grabbing Rhaenys by her throat and throwing her on the ground before handing Daemon the chains. 'We didn't fuck your pretty wife, Corlys. We like them young, and we like them tight.'

Rhaenys takes you in and judges your chains and fine dress. You mutter an apology to her. She turns around, surprised. She walks back to you. 'Do not pity me, child. I am free now. You are captured once more.'

There is a soft smack on your behind, and you growl out loud. Aemond tightens the chains by pulling them slowly, closing off your throat. With a sickened smirk, he carries you to his brother. You are dizzy when they place you on your feet.

You stumble in their direction. You had quiet hope that they would let you go free. You nearly fall, but Aegon captures you into his strong arms. Your eyes meet, and you slowly feel yourself become more at ease.

The Blacks take off with Rhaenys. Maelys follows soon after. You watch as they take off and realise you are at the mercy of your tormentors once more.

Aegon still has you in his arms. He leans in closely and presses his nose against your own before gently kissing your lips. He seems to breathe in your scent, and he mutters in high valyrian that he missed you. You break yourself free. 'I am not coming. I want to hear what happened to my sister.' You demand.

Aemond grins at his brother. 'Well it's simple. We wanted to lure you out to HoneyHolt and to trap you there. But since you are already ours now, that's unnecessary.' That is cruel. Your sister died for nothing.

Your head hangs and you tear up. 'You two really killed her. Why? She was everything to me.'

Aegons eyes roll. 'Enough, we will talk about it when we get home.' He warns you with his glare. Home. Does that mean they will change their rules? That you will have access to your rooms? To your ladies? You hope so.

You scoff at that. You are many things, but you are not a coward. 'I am not coming. And King's Landing is not my home.' You say bravely.

The king nods to his brother. 'Do it.' He says. Aemond eagerly grabs a small bottle of dark black essence from the pocket of his jacket.

'W-what is that?' You whisper, terrified.

He grins. 'A bit of nightshade. It does wonders for little brats who do not obey.' Nightshade is a dangerous poison that can knock people out or worse.

You back away. 'That's deadly.' To your horror, Aegon is already holding you tight, so you can't run.

'Only in high doses. You will get just a tiny little drop.' He places the bottle against your lips and gently pours a bit in your mouth. It is bitter. Aegon forces you to swallow it.

You are let go of the moment you have swallowed it. Aemond puts the bottle back in his pocket.

You are pushed inside the same cage they moved the princess in and the door is locked. You try to keep awake but slowly drift off to sleep.

--- You awake hours later. Back in the cell. You thought they would allow you back to your rooms. You get up from the soft bed and rush to the door. You try to open it first carefully but later desperately slamming against it, trying to rip the bars apart. 'No! No no!' You whimper before bursting into tears.

A voice chuckles behind you. 'It's not so bad. We could give you a regular cell. You are comfortable here, little bee. Much more comfortable than you deserve for your actions.' He thinks you left voluntarily. He says it's not bad, but you know he won't survive a day within this cage or any without going insane.

You tell him what really happened. 'They kidnapped me. I did not want to come with them. They thought I was Helaena. They called me the Queen.' You say.

Aemond grabs the belt of your dress that is decorated with jewels and takes it off. He grabs your necklace and rips it from your neck. You are aware that he is eying your breasts and slams you against the bars of the cells. The bars poke and hurt you.

There is a soft gasp from your mouth as he starts to leave small tiny kisses on your collar bone, to your shoulders, to your neck, and to your breasts. Your legs are parted. 'Aemond, we should wait for Aegon.' You remind him kindly. You hope it will save you again. In the halls it did not matter, but you were punished. Perhaps this will be different. Perhaps he will care.

Aemond has little respect for you but backs away because he loves his brother. 'On your bed, little bee. Do not make me wait.' You obediently go to the bed and sit down. You hope he wants something else than what you suspect.

He grabs his belt and takes it off, he puts his coat on the chair by your desk and slowly unbottoms his shirt. You shake your head lightly. 'No, Aegon is not here-'

There is an awful loud laugh coming from him before he comes over and forces your chin in his hands. He grins at you before smashing his lips on yours. You weakly push him away. It works briefly. The next time he comes for you, he pins you down and listens to your little whimpers 'Aegon does not care for your little useless body anymore. I am all you have.' You were unsure of your feelings for Aegon for a while.

But now you know for sure that you love him more than anything. You love him more than being alive. You break into tears. 'No...' You croak out, your voice breaking.

He sighs annoyed by your dramatics. He hugs you softly and plays with your hair. 'Shh.' He mutters in your ear.

You can't help but turn to Aemond for support. 'I loved him so much. Despite it all. I love him.' You confess crying. You seek comfort in his arms; you want to be held.

A harsh pain on your head forces you away from him. He glares at you and you realise you made a mistake. 'Ow...' You tear up again. You feel the spot that burns. He hit you.

You lower your head so he can't see the tears that fall. 'Enough of that. I do not like hearing that. Do you understand?'He barks raising his voice.

You are quick to nod and cower. 'Y-yes.'

He crosses his arms. You used to like it if they got a little rough, but this hurts you. 'Yes who?' He demands.

You angrily wipe away a few tears. You understand he wants to break you. You can't break what is already broken. And you are broken in every way. 'Yes, Aemond.' You spit out angrily. He grins at your fire and you know he is turned on by tour defiance as well.

He thinks clicking his tongue before touching your legs. 'No, that won't do anymore.' He says calmly. 'Yes, my love.' You are taken back by his request.

You thought he was too masculine for requests like that. You also thought his ...his desire came from lust. Not like Aegon's, what was clearly love. You understand at that moment that he wants you like his brother once did. He loves you.

You feel guilty. He probably thinks that with Aegon gone, you will answer his feelings. That you will finally pick him. But you can't. Your heart is too good to deceive him like that. To play him. 'I am not in love with you.' You confess. 'I do not think I ever will be.'

There is another smirk playing on his lips. You are grabbed by your hair and dragged to him. You end up on top of him and in tears. You feel his warm breath on your lips. 'For a girl so clever, you really act stupid. Aegon won't be feeding you. I will. I will cloth you, feed you, and if you ever like to see daylight again, you best do what I want.' You are terrified of that description. You'll never feel the warm sun again. You'll never see your home again. You'll never read a book again or see another person if he has a say in it. And if he wishes to, he will force you to have and birth his children in this very brick.

You break down. 'Now, like a proper pet this time.' You feel him gently touch the spot where he hit you earlier. You try to be strong. You lose your battle against the tears.

You push yourself to anwser. 'W-what do you want, my love?'

There is a brief silence before he chuckles delighted and leaves a soft kiss on your lips. 'Your pretty mouth must be tired. I bet I can help you shut up for a while. Perhaps keep you occupied as well.'

He wants to be pleased. You eye his crotch. 'Yes, clever girl. You figured that out quick. On your knees and open wide.' You are pushed on the stone ground and forces between his knees. You watch as he strips himself and forces your mouth open and closes it when his cock hangs in your mouth. You gently ease it in deeper. He chuckles. 'I remember the first time we did this. You never had done it before, yet you were a natural. Aegon joked that you were meant for this.'

That hurts you. You slow it down, not nearly as eager to get this over with. You lose your passion and your motivation. 'It's as if you are dead already, little bee. Do you need a few moments on my knee first? You do like it when I get a little rough.'

You roll your tongue over his length eagerly licking him and tasting him properly. You ignore the taste of it and welcome him much deeper and softly slow it down to soft teasing movements. He groans when rolling his hips against your mouth fucking it. Your hands are grabbed and forced on your back.

You realise that this is all you have left. You will do this until you die. You miss Aegon. Your heart bleeds. But you must keep aemond happy.

You realise that. He is all you will have. And if you are not careful, he will go away too. You quickly grab hold of his hands and force them around your neck so he can hold you. He relaxes with a twisted grin as a tear rolls down your cheeks. 'So sad, little bee. I know you are hurting right now, but you make me feel so good. I think you might even have a little reward if you keep this up.' You like the sound of that. You like his gentle touch on your head. You like the soft pettings. It makes you feel safe and loved.

You are becoming wet. Aemond rips your skirts and pulls down your undergarments, pushing you on the bed. You are pushed on your knees and your legs are spread before he roughly forces himself inside you.

'Nh!' That was a good one. You like that the pleasure slowly numbs your mind.

Aemond groans. 'That's it, girl. Cry and beg for me. Beg and fuck me. I know you want to.'

His grunts and his harsh grip and his smacks. You and your whimpers and soft groans. You are so close. You feel as if you are on the edge. One little push and you'll fall. 'I am nearly there.' 'If you wish to punish; get out now. I do not think I can take it much longer.' Sometimes your pleasure is denied by him. He likes to punish you that way.

He slams inside and takes you deeper when you cry out in pleasure. 'Come, little bee. Come for your new master. Wet my cock with your spoils and let me have your wet juicy cunt.' He growls out loud in your ear. Your eyes close and for a moment he pops up in your head. You see that damn smile.

You come. 'Aegon!' You cry out. The cock does not fuck you anymore. You turn around. You see Aemonds enraged face and you just know you broke his heart into a million little pieces.

You watch as he puts his clothes back on. You grab his arm quickly. 'W-wait! Do not leave me...' You beg.

He chuckles before a single tears rolls down his cheek. He grabs you by the throat. 'I hate you.' He says. That kills you as well.

You beg him to stay. 'Aemond please...' You think of your mother, your father of everyone that you lost. You do not want to be alone.

You beg him, clutching his ankle when he coldly gets up from the bed. Sobs escape your throat. 'Do not leave me too.' You beg him. 'Please...I'll be good. I will do what you ask. Please.' You even attempt to get him out of his clothes again but he smacks your hands away. You feel as if your fingers are burned.

He makes his way to the door and slams the door behind him. He takes out a familiar key and locks the door. 'I do not want to be alone!' You scream before whimpering.

He looks at you with a scoff. 'Your father is dead, your mother is dead, your sister is dead. And your brothers are soon to be dead too. You are exactly that what you fear. You are alone.' He leans in. 'I think that some solitude will help make you realise how important I am to you. I want your love. I told you that before. I do not care, how I will get it. I will get it eventually.'

You hug your knees. The next time you look up from them, he is gone.

[hollowsart]

Concept: I get yeeted to the TSSM-verse and have a heck of a time trying to figure out how to get back with Peter's help while processing my overall mental state in realizing I'm not in my world anymore and actively fighting my emotional health when I encounter the Sinister Six, especially Doc Ock, Vulture, and Mysterio. Especially Mysterio (cuz he looks n acts so much like my own, even tho the Mysterio costume is different, man they do share a lot in common).

And poor Peter has to deal with my grown adult butt and drag me away from attempting to befriend/rationalize with his rogues gallery and potentially getting my stupid butt hurt.

I'm sorry for the way that I am, Peter 😔

---

Peter, coming to the realization that I only have 1 braincell to my name: ..How are you fighting crime against these super genius super villains when you don't even know basic computer science, chemistry, and math??

Me: ..Usually I would have Otto's help.. so..

Peter:

Peter:

Peter: Wait a minute, Otto? As in Otto Octavius? As in Doc Ock?

Me, nodding: mhm.. yeah?

Peter: Isn't.. he like.. your mortal enemy, though? Wanting you dead and all?

Me: ? Why would he be? He's a really sweet man. He's also my partner.

Peter, getting flashbacks of his encounters with his Doc Ock: ..Did you just say 'sweet'? ..Now I'm starting to wonder just how different your world is from my own.

Me: I could say the same for yours. There's so much different, but still some things remain mostly the same.. or at least similar enough.

--

Mysterio: -spewing Latin and dishing out a funny quip back at Peter-

Me: -trying and failing to hold back laughter, basically interrupting the fight unintentionally-

Peter: Will you please, stop laughing! It's really distracting!!

Me: I'm sorry!! I'm trying!! I can't help it that you and him keep saying the funniest things!!

Mysterio: no, no, do continue, it's helping me out a ton :)

Me: H--

--

Me: You never tried to talk to them about their problems? To get them to calm down and stop?

Peter: No one ever listens to me!! I try to get one word in and already I'm nearly being squashed or I'm being thrown around like a hackey sack!

Me: ah.. I'm sorry. I feel that, though. Being ignored. Sucks.

[frecklystars]

Hey keri!! I don't want you to worry about people thinking you're faking anything and stuff like that - what you're doing and how you're approaching it is completely normal and healthy, everything you've said about the shades of pink in that post makes a lot of sense! people know that recovery isn't a straight line, but more wiggly with ups and downs, and you're such a sincere and nice person that I really don't think anyone is going to be whisper whisper about you making it up for attention or stuff like that - especially when the way you present and talk and vent about it is so different to how someone "doing it for views/attention" would be - but honestly I think a lot of people and I really understand the fear of this and the worry, but I think you should feel reassured that nohody is going to be thinking that. Recovery is complex and multifaceted and we understand, and we're all so proud of how well you're doing!! Sorry if this is a bit rambly or doesn't make sense, I find it hard to get thoughts into words sometimes. We're all rooting for you ✨💕🌻

HI YELLOW THANK YOU!!!! 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

I appreciate you writing this all out for me! And dw it all makes PERFECT sense to me, you are wonderful at phrasing things and also I love you <3

I want to believe it's true, that people can use their braincells if they see me posting a picture of my self insert wearing my favorite pink shirt, and think to themselves "oh wow look, Keri is working on healing, good for her!!!" but I've gotten some confused messages where people are like "why would you make your S/I wear a pink shirt if pink is a trigger? why are you reblogging pictures of Starscream if looking at him is a trigger?" and it's just so hard to have to explain myself over and over and over, that I'm 5 months into the healing process, that Starscream isn't a trigger anymore so much as he is someone I am heavily grieving now, that damn I love pink sooo much and I don't want it to be a trigger anymore, I genuinely want to heal and that means I'm going to have to put in the work!!! I am going to have to look at these things and allow these feelings to wash over me, to reassure myself that I am in control. I do this in my therapy appointments, I do this when I know I'm feeling stable enough to look at these things, and on my horrible days when I can't look at them whatsoever then I just simply don't.

But nowadays when I'm starting to feel myself improve even just the smallest bit, I start to get scared that ppl aren't going to try to understand me no matter how many times I explain how healing from PTSD works. I've been through a lot the last 9 months, I was completely alone with ppl who were convincing me that my feelings weren't valid, so naturally when I come back online I assume ppl are going to think my feelings on reclaiming my own triggers at my own pace won't be valid either...

...and me saying that,,, might be silly, considering all the support I've gotten in such a short amount of time,,,,, I shouldn't stress about an incredibly miniscule amount of people who could potentially tell me that I'm "faking it". but I still get so so anxious, it's been SO LONG since I've talked to people again, people who are actually healthy for me to be around, I'm not used to people understanding me or hearing me out, I'm still so scared that I'll turn around and somebody I trust is going to stab me in the back. Nobody has reason to do this, I just,,, I'm so used to it, I endured it for almost a year, so I'm always on guard now ready for someone to plunge that knife into my back when I least expect it. I never used to get anxious abt things like this but I am such a different person now than I was before I left, I feel like my biggest parts of me are missing :( but I am hoping that healing from my trauma little by little by reclaiming the things that were lost to me are going to help me find myself again.

Thank you for telling me that this is a normal part of healing, bc I feel kind of out of my mind and going thru this process is so rough. It's so hard waking up and immediately getting flashbacks, and having other days where I wake up and I'm immediately super cautious, so tense that my chest will hurt, because I know the flashbacks could start at any point and I have to be "ready" for it. Having anxiety 24/7 is!! wild!!! and I keep going up and down when I'm healing and it makes me feel weird, it makes me feel like I am going crazy and that I'm "doing this wrong". I know healing isn't linear, like rationally I think deep down I am aware of it at least, but omg I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster over here. I've never had PTSD with multiple triggers and I've never actually had to experiment with reclaiming said triggers. I'm scared of people perceiving me when I'm in such a bad state, judging my every move and deciding whether or not my healing is valid or if I'm doing this "correctly". It's probably silly for me to think these things but it's been really eating at me for the past few days.

But I'm rereading your message a few more times rn and trying to really let it sink in, especially when you say I'm a nice/sincere person ;-; thank you. Most people know me by now, I have been online for a longass time, I truly hope people know I'm genuine and I would never "fake something for attention", especially when it involves my comfort characters, like... this is literally the worst thing to ever happen to me, I couldn't fake this if I tried lmao;;;

Thank you for sending me a reassuring message, I appreciate it <3

[appalachianapologies]

I don't want whatever the threat is. I dont eanna live in fear

Your ocs. Hand em over

OKAY i know it has been. weeks. months, even. however, I considered how I wanted to say this because too many characters too little time. but here we go:

A Penchant for the Ordinary

Jamie Caldwell is everyone's favorite character and by that I mean she's chaotic as hell, makes knee jerk reactions, definitely unknowingly has ADHD, extremely low self control, and her stress relief is punching people who (probably) deserve it. She's a gay mess in every sense of the word and has seriously tried so hard to get her life together and it's just. it's not working out for her. so, after accepting that fact, Jamie begins to embrace the chaotic and darker sides of herself. if her life is going to hell, she may as well take a free trip down as well and see what it's all about

Chloe and Gus together, because they're so codependent we quite literally never see them apart except for a single scene near the end where Gus hangs around to say one last thing before following her. As mentioned: codependent as hell. Not romantically involved but they know every single in and out of each other- moreso than most couples. While Jamie feels regret for her sudden reactions, Chloe basks in them and has never once wished she made a different decision. Gus typically has the braincell, but usually not for long- he's as much of an adrenaline junkie as everyone else.

Madison did not sign up for any of this shit. When my dad read my book, one of the things he told me was that it was so not necessary to put her through everything that I did. And although I agree, it was sadly necessary for Jamie's questionable character arc. Sorry Madison- but trust me, you're better off with a different girlfriend

Kat absolutely signed up for everything she gets herself into, even if she claims that she didn't. She goes around saying "I'm not involved with any of these people :|" and then actively hangs out with them and invites them to her apartment. for multiple days. She's the type of person that would claim to want to have a relaxing life but she literally chose not to. girl what

Davy tried his best. kind of. he could've done a hell of a lot better, but he also genuinely tried to do well to fix his mistakes. He's the type of person who will feel genuine regret for what he's done and try to rectify his mistakes, even if it takes uhhhhh a lot of time :)

Evelyn is a bastard. absolutely mad woman and in not a fun sexy hot way. Power hungry, unfazed by hurting anyone else in the process of getting what she wants, and yet she still sees herself as benevolent (she's not). Believes she's the main character of the book (she is not).

James did not deserve any of that. I'm sorry dude. That being said, your coping mechanisms were a little subpar. Sorry we still don't know exactly how you died (it's not a spoiler okay it's happened like ten years ago).

Daniel and Edward are absolutely in love but neither of them realize it and it's not a standard love. think qpr. think: they've known each other since elementary school and have gone through all of life together. loyal to a fault but would change on a hat to keep the other safe.

Obligatory Did these characters interest you? Do you want to read a subpar book but support a young author? You can buy A Penchant for the Ordinary here! Thank you in advanced for your support :D

and now: Paradigm

Delilah's trying her best except she makes about a few wrong turns, which ends up shaping her life for the next decade. Surprisingly little self esteem for a person in her job market, though she acts the opposite. She doesn't have enough of a filter but manages to charm her way past a lot of things that should've ended badly. The queen at pushing things down and pretending it never happened. Is aware that she's pretty much trapped, but doesn't believe she can get out.

Charlotte is still Delilah, but she's determined to change into someone else. A new woman who's better, stronger, more confident than Delilah. She becomes the femme fetal that Marcus had wanted since day one, and embraces it. She likes being the bad guy, relishes the feeling of knowing she's in the wrong, and pretends that she doesn't have a nagging feeling that she is, in fact, in the wrong.

Taylor is still Delilah, and parts of Charlotte bleed through to her as well. A changed woman. Mature, who believes that she's seen so much of life that she's immune to anything else that could be thrown at her. Truly believes that she can't change and was created to be bad. Acts like she couldn't give a damn about other people when in fact the opposite is true and she's just afraid of having weaknesses. Aren't we all.

Marcus is pretty much the worst person you can imagine. Runs a cool home business called "assassins for hire :)" (paraphrased). Although he used to do the dirty work himself, he now has employees that he keeps on a tight leash to do everything. Always has multiple contingency plans in case something goes wrong and the authorities get wind of him. If any employee screws up, Marcus gives them zero chances to fix it, and will round up everyone who fucked up last quarter, shoot them, and give them a shallow grave in the Nevada desert. Has an insanely creepy infatuation with Delilah.

Sid is quite possibly the only employee of Marcus that is somewhat on the genuinely good spectrum. ...or at least the "not actively trying to do bad" one. Ex-military, classic "never really left [insert place of war]." Hates Delilah until he begrudgingly doesn't hate Delilah. He knows that everything Marcus is doing is screwed up, but Sid's just going through the motions of life at this point. What's one more life for one more paycheck?

Lainey's name is still pending, but it'll probably end up as Lainey. Smarter than anyone in the world gives her credit for, and is very calculating. She knows more than she lets on as well, and uses that to her advantage. She's probably more forgiving than she should be, but that makes Lainey who she is. Eventually, the only one who knows the most about Delilah (and that isn't just because she sleeps with her. oops)

Rebecca is the classic TV CIA agent except she's actually real. She has poorly controlled OCD but pretends like she has everything under control at all times. After spending over half of a decade attempting to track and take in Marcus, she's eventually promoted to a higher up position, where she gets to create her own team, to finally, once and for all, bring in Marcus. Is pretty much willing to sacrifice it all for the job with little hesitation.

Carter is somewhere between Rebecca's second hand man while also being the worst (affectionate) gay hopeless romantic there is. He thinks he can juggle a relationship and CIA work but let me tell you. He's never learned how to juggle. Keeps Rebecca sane in every way you can think of, and the two often spend nights at each others' places because that's just what they do. Like Rebecca, he's on thin fucking ice with every higher up in the CIA. However, unlike Rebecca, he's excellent at damage control with their supervisor.

Unnamed Classic Hacker Character is still unnamed because no name has truly suited or worked with her. Trusts literally no one, especially not Taylor. Hates her guts, actually. Probably the only one who's actually confident about things, though she knows the least at any given time because she's a junior agent. Rebecca immediately was like "I want her" despite the fact that she graduated worst in her class. Opinionated and full of spite, in the way that every person in a fandom would fucking hate. Absolutely, without a doubt, a character I would love to write an 11 book series spin-off with

finally: Lou is for Lavender

Lou, originally Louisa, is going through it. The book is a journey on her life- or rather, the three months after escaping somewhere between an abusive boyfriend and being trafficked. With little identity, she finds herself constantly trying to figure out who she is, who she should be, and if there even exists a woman beyond the girl she used to be. She's genuinely trying her best, but fuck if it isn't hard. I love her. I love her so much. She is so lost but she's trying so hard to find her way back on a path. I could write five more paragraphs about her at any given time.

Maria is a six year old with far too much energy for someone her size. Absolutely infatuated with her grandmother and the way she used to read to Maria every single day and night, Maria begged her grandmother and Dana to teach her how to read by herself, which quickly morphed into writing. She'll write pages of six year old nonsense for hours without getting bored, and is absolutely thrilled to have a new friend around the house! never mind that she's an adult- Maria sees Lou as a built-in summer friend.

Dana has been putting on the best face for nearly five years. Although it wasn't her intention, after her mom got sick, she moved back to her family's ranch along with her three kids- Maria and two older boys. After her mom passed, she stayed, unable to bear the idea of leaving once more for good, but she's great at hiding that fact. The youngest of seven, Dana is caught somewhere between constantly feeling the need to prove herself while also knowing that no one's waiting and watching for her to grow anymore. Six kids came before her, and Dana genuinely believes that she simply slipped under the attention of everyone.

The Flowers are how Lou refers to the other women she met along the way. The girls who all had an intimate understanding of what she was going through, and yet nothing at all. The flowers are constantly living inside of Lou, always on the edges of her thoughts, nearly controlling her at some points. They stay with Lou, sometimes causing guilt, sometimes causing pain, sometimes just to remind Lou of the dandelions that used to sprout up in between cracks in the sidewalk.

The Journal that Maria gives Lou (after declaring them best friends forever), isn't technically a living character, but it may as well be. It's where Lou's thoughts reside. Where her fears and regrets and memories live so they don't have to live in her head. The journal is an extension of Lou, and the scariest thing she could think of is losing it, but the journal was never meant to stay against her chest for the rest of its life.

Anyhow, if you'd like to support some of my original work, I have a Ko-Fi! Covers are expensive as h e c k - But also, reblogs support me as well :D a chaotic way to spread the chaotic characters 'round these parts

[onlyjaeyun]

coming back here almost a day later after reading the epilogue cuz i am not okay. i’ve been thinking about it the whole entire day just trying to come into terms & process & accept the fact that poison is truly done now (sure we’ll have a few bonus chapters here and there but u get what i mean) and honestly it’s making me feel emotional cuz it’s been a few months and we’ve all been on this rollercoaster of a journey but just DAMN how everything came together perfectly at the end with hee&yn being a girl dad (which is so real btw) and all of that is so cute. i personally (am heartbroken🙍🏻‍♀️) am really happy at the incredible ending you wrote for poison and speaking of ur writings u seriously never fail to impress me 🙏🏼 like the way ur braincells connect to form a thought is truly fascinating (i just cant say you’re a genius like a normal person and move on, don’t mind me.) like truly you’re one of the main writers i admire & look up to like you’re in the top fr fr onlyjaeyun 🔛🔝 ong 💯 BUT ANYWHO before i start crying again i love you so much i hope u have a nice lil mini break and take care of urself and ur health <33 and i can’t wait to see everything that’ll happen in strictly business 🤭 sending u lots of kisses & hugs <3

- ⁉️

BABY 🥺 you're really going to make me cry again I SHED ALL MY TEARS YESTERDADY ALREADY 😭😭😭 but thank you SO much. you know i always look forward to your little rambles snd the fact you take the time out of your day to send me them makes me feel so loved i can't thanknyou enough. sending you so much love rn 🥺💞💘🩷💓💕

[afreakingdork]

Ok, so I had a lot of catching up to do! Don’t ask me how I did it because I myself don’t even know, but I missed chapter 19.😭 anyways, I just finished chapter 20, and I must say the only reaction is HDNJDNDJDJJISJS! IT’S PERFECT! GOD, I’M SO IN LOVE WITH YOUR WRITING! YOU’RE AN AMAZING HUMAN!

I’m sad to see it’s ending in two chapters, but I can’t thank you enough for the story! Not to get too personal, but crush too much started right as I was beginning therapy, and I had some impeccable luck to stumble across it a few days after you posted the first chapter! Your writing has helped me through some hard times, and has brought hundreds of smiles to my face! After it ends I can’t wait to see what else you have in store, and I’ll continue to stick around!

Also did I spy something about a Tactical! Donnie part 2, or has college finally managed to kill my last braincell and I’m the process of losing my mind? 👀👀👀👀

But on another note! I think maybe we should make a discord server with all the people who sent in asks! Even with people who didn’t! who just wanna be apart of it! It’s been fun reading everyone’s thoughts, and seeing everyone banter with each other! I would hate to lose that!

Now enough with my ranting! Hope you’re having a good night, dork! Take some time for yourself, and make sure you are taking great care of yourself! You deserve all the love the world has to offer! Much love! ❤️🥰 -❄️

Flake, D-did you make a meme of me? LIKE A MEME OF/FOR ME!?!?!?! i'M SCREAMING!? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!? WHAT A FIRST!! I am TRULY HONORED!!

AND THEN YOU FOLLOW UP THIS GREAT HONOR WITH YOUR INCREDIBLE STORY!!?!!? Come on now!! I was already crying and now I'm sobbing!!! I can't believe I helped you! I'm so glad to have even done an iota of anything that could bring you joy!

TRIPLE WHAMMY YOU'RE COMFORTING ME ABOUT MY WORRIES OF PEOPLE LEAVING?! Y'ALL GOTTA STOP BEING SO NICE TO ME! i CAN'T BELIEVE I DESERVE IT!!! I FEEL BAD!!! IMPOSTER SYNDROME FOR TEN LIFETIMES!!!

All that aside, saying 'thank you' doesn't feel like near enough for all that you've given me in this single ask. You are the incredible, wonderful person. That is without question.

You did indeed spy correctly! Dork's Tactical Donnie 2: Electric Boogaloo (yes I've made this joke before) is half written, but I really want to get it out asap. I'm so close✊

A discord server? I mean I'm game, but I am truly tragic when it comes to operating discord. Would anyone else like that? I was asking about a Rise discord a while back, but no one seemed to know of one?

You have a wonderful night as well! I'm surely drowning in love so I can't imagine asking for more! Have the very best for yourself!

[unboundwanderers]

♚♚♚♚♚ [ i get a chance to compliment you on main ? LET'S GO. i don't think i say it enough despite how much we've screamed at each other over plots and writing, but i admire you greatly. i know literally nothing about the series and you have pulled ( read : dragged ) me into it blind, making me fall head first with your characters, your writing, your lore. i've never met anyone who's so creative and talented at lore and world building as you are ! i know i scream at you A LOT whenever we talk and whenever you hurt me with our ships ( which is A LOT ) but i have so so much fun fleshing out all our pairings, all our ships, all the ideas and plots, the adventures and the small moments. you make writing with you really easy bc you pour your heart and soul into your characters and plots, it's so easy to get lost and absorbed in them bc you make them feel real. you give them life and you make all my muses a part of your muses' world and that's what make me love all of them all the more.

thank you for blessing me with your characters and writing, and your amazing self ! we've literally written books by this point but i'm looking forward to see more of our characters and ships ! could never get enough of them ! stay amazing fam ! love you lots ! ]

Pictured above: Binary pitching a ship to Hina that will go on to infect her brain.

Can I please talk about Hina- I'm going to talk about Hina, now. Sorry, Dash. PLEASE DO NOT SAY YOU ADMIRE ME GREATLY, HINA- BECAUSE I WOULD LITERALLY DIE FOR YOU. Hina is such a good writer, you guys, and I don't think Hina gives herself NEARLY as much Credit as she deserves for simply EXISTING. Hina's WARMTH and Energy are literally something that me and @kemikorosu THRIVE on. We're addicted to Hina, so much so that we literally kick our legs when Hina types in our group chat. We are simply obsessed with her--- BUT WHY IS THAT?? Well, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY FRIEND, HINA!!!!

Hina has CHANGED my FUNDAMENTAL understanding of how Mun perceives their muse. Hina quite literally changed how I see the creative writing process when it comes to forming ships, plotlines, and interactions. She has such a unique take on all of her characters that often it leaves me (and my characters) BREATHLESS. I think Hina attaches herself to a character and gets into their brain, and the way Hina can GUSH about the way a character thinks, how they act, how they FEEL. You'd swear it's because her characters COME ALIVE and TAKE CONTROL of her. She is in tune with her portrayal. I don't think ANY of MY DOCTOR's would be NEARLY as accessible to roleplay with if not for Hina's influence on them.

Hina and I started DMing after I went through her wishlist prompts and harassed her for like two days until we got a thread going. We moved over to discord, made our server- and all of our ships just existed in that isolated space (to the point where we just STRAIGHT UP have a whole fic series we're getting ready to upload--) THE POINT IS IS THAT HINA CAME IN AND STOLE THE BRAINCELL and it was INSANE. I think Hina and I have crafted some of the most engaging takes on the Tropes portrayed in Doctor Who. So much so that sometimes I get sad that Yelan and Goth aren't canon parts of Doctor Who because their TV run would be SIMPLY AMAZING. Never have I met a muse who paired so perfectly then Yelan and Goth.

PLEASE DON'T THANK ME FOR BLESSING YOU HINA, THANK YOU FOR BLESSING ME BECAUSE YOU'RE ONE OF THE MOST TALENTED WRITERS I'VE EVER MADE AND IT HAS BEEN A PRIVILEGE TO WRITE WITH YOU.

Hina literally stormed into my house, knocked me over the head and became one of my Best Friends in the span of a MONTH. We've been writing for four months. I've adored EVERY second.

[tumbling-down-the-hall]

Am I the villain in my story?

I throw things when I get frustrated and can't use my words.

Why do I have issues with him?

Alcohol (obviously)

He makes stupid choices.

Is the definition of yolo.

Does not use his one braincell

Says he cares but doesn't

My issue is that I overthink

My issue is that he doesn't understand me

My issue is that I don't understand him. I feel like we are too different for each other. It didn't feel that way at the beginning but it is.

My issue is that I complain too much. Though I don't complain about work to him anymore.

My issue is that it feels like we are roommates more than a couple. Which I know sucks.

My issue is that I have anger problems probably because of my autism.

He got me a faygo today and I was like why that one. Because it was the only one they had and I thought of you and knew you drank blue faygo. Cute gesture but because I "shit on it" he wasn't happy.

He said to give him a goal for one or two months. Because I feel like he doesn't help around the apartment (fuck i barely do shit in the apartment but I try to keep the sink empty because I was over having to wash a lot of dishes and that has lessened one of my triggers)

Goals I could give him

Limit visits to the local pizza place

Start walking with me?

(because I was angry) use the braincell you have

(one that could actually work) keep track of how much you spend on beer.

I say this last one because I told him that he spent more on beer than he did on me and he was like I don't spend $500 on beer. (I think he does but maybe forcing him to keep track of it will make him realize how much he spends on it)

I know I spend a stupid amount at work for cheese, cracker, and grape trays and energy drinks. Which I can buy elsewhere. For cheaper but I choose not too. Most of what I buy is food. And I feel like that statement always stands.

I need to try to go back to my Americorps days and spend less. (though I feel like I have always had this issue? Idk maybe not) I need to save more. For emergencies (and or if whatever I think will happen happens...)

I got mad at him because we talked about getting ice cream after he got back from dinner (I wasn't hungry) and he was gonna text me and that didn't happen he just came up stairs. I didn't want to drive and I didn't want him driving even though he only had 2 beers. And he was like you are upset because you don't want ice cream anymore. No I'm upset because I don't want to drive to get ice cream and I don't want you to drive to get soft serve. I didn't want ice cream I could get from the corner store because I wanted a frosty or a jamocha shake. And I think I'm back to little things trigger me. Why am I wound up so tight? Because I don't feel loved?

Apparently my thought process is wrong. He was doing a stupid thing on my shoulder and I made a comment about wanting to injury him (like headbutt or shove my shoulder into him) and he backed off and was like uhh what? And when he was at the foot of the bed he decided to play with my feet. Where I could actually kick him. I don't understand that thought process.

And then I made a comment of I'm glad you bring yourself joy and he was like yeah. Somebody has to.

Am I the issue in this relationship?

Because it's starting to feel like it when he doesn't see that he does anything wrong. Am I dating a narcissist? Who is gaslighting me into believing that I'm the wrong one.

If I am the issue in the relationship, then why do you stay. You can't joke that it's my body anymore. You barely get that. We barely do anything because I don't feel appreciated in this relationship. I'm just here. You say you love me but do you?

You make sure I eat (not necessarily true, I know there are specific days of the week when I do not eat and you are around.)

You make sure I drink enough water (again do you?)

If I ask you to do something you do it. I don't think I have ever heard you say no to me.

Asked to cut my steak because I didn't want to wield the knife

Asked to do XYZ things when I'm sick

Or to grab my water when I forgot it in the living room or various other things that I have forgotten.

Orange theory works for you but it feels like that is the only thing that works.

I don't feel appreciated in this relationship which is why I'm not intimate. I know he wants me to be more intimate but if I don't feel appreciated I'm not going to give you what you want.

I'm not going to the pizza place tomorrow for the Superbowl. I don't care that he wants me to. I don't want to drink and I don't want to be around those people.

[moxidrynesystem]

Second post in a day.

Who’s fronting: Alex, Clef ---------------------- So I’ve been trying to get commissions, I’ve been trying to force myself to learn new things with my art, and I’ve been burning myself out because of it. Now I just feel so bored and depressed it isn’t even funny. I have no ideas, no will, no motivation.. and I don’t even want to sit on my desktop anymore.. but here I am. It’s a short one, but that’s fine... All I really feel like I need to write... I guess...  Idano, my dad’s been ragging on me the past week, three mental breakdowns, several splits... a lot of headache. We have an appointment Monday and I’m genuinely considering letting Cas take it because I can’t stand to front anymore but I have to... and leaving him here, he gets lonely, he gets upset, and bored too... We have nothing to do and the poor guy.. I just.. I’m glad he’d even be willing to.  It’s every day he yells at us. I can’t fucking take it anymore. It’s like I have my brain on an angle grinder...  How do I even have braincells? I want him to care, and to be proud, and not fucking take it back every day, I want him to mean what he says without lying to me, or going out of his way to disprove what he says, and I want him to stop insulting me, but I can’t ever fucking tell him and it breaks me every fucking time he even talks to me these days..  I get he’s my parent, but jesus. You don’t call your kid an idiot, a dumbass, or a lazy piece of shit when you fucking KNOW the past 14 years that same kid has been nothing but a fucking paycheck, forced to be in a room all alone and tortured to hell and back on MORE THAN ONE OCCASSION IN A SINGLE DAY. I’m going through the process to get therapy, dad. I understand I’m not fit to work a job yet. You need to understand this. I understand I don’t have my GED yet, and you do too, and we both understand what I just said is why. We also both know I only dropped out to escape that hell. Yet.. you still blame me, I know it’s been months but you can’t understand shit gets hardwired after all that time. At least I’m fucking trying.. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. And stop saying you fucking wanted me. You didn’t, and you never will. Shut the fuck up. 

[abyssmalice]

(tbh i think its funny how smol toni is v much a tartar at times and yet is still the one exception in the tartaglia braincell community bc she doesnt completely share the battle mania and has more emotional and general introspection skills

like she still hasnt fully processed her own traumas or her feelings - the whole “tried to do it while back in morepesok but then i triggered leyline disorders and then dottore came” thing kinda put a giant halt on that, unfortunately. but she’s still done enough of it that she can definitely say she Has lingering problems and personal issues that are affecting her, even if she hasn’t picked out what exactly yet. 

id say a lot of factors have resulted in this - from the fact that biology wise, the irminsul makes her immune to any negative effects that the abyss could have had on her mind, in addition to her abyssal mentor being tol toni aka “still not the best option tbh But she’s also the nicest person by fucking miles down here”. that and smol toni just Not being childe in personality or experience; she didnt have the same aspirations, the same perspectives, and her history is remarkedly different.

innately, she’s an earnest girl who focuses on others as opposed to herself. her experiences have highly twisted and suppressed this nature of hers - but ultimately, her first instinct is to be sincere and to put others before herself. 

both tonitonis, at heart, are like this - sweet people who think of others. that is their base nature.

and for smol toni, while her experiences have forced her to think about herself over others a little more at times - this prioritization is still in connection to others. caring for her wellbeing, for example? because Other people like her family would be sad. her awareness of the morality of her actions? because it affects other people and while sometimes she doesnt care, she’s naturally sympathetic when people are hurt, esp on an emotional level.)