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elijowa · 9 months

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The Nice and Accurate Observations of Good Omens by Elijowa, Fan

Being a Close Re-Watching of Season 1 in the Light of What We Now Know from Season 2

Containing therein Analyses of Crowley, Aziraphale and their Relationship throughout the Show

Episode One

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So I have a confession to make. I've only ever watched Good Omens Season 1 twice and Season 2 once.

I know, I know, I need to get my priorities straightened out! How can I possibly be a fan if I've only got a mere 18h of watch-time under my belt? What can I say? Life keeps on getting in the way.

Anyway, I decided to treat myself with a close re-watching of Season 1 and see what jumps out at me now that we have new information from Season 2. You're very welcome to follow along or ignore these ramblings as you please!

So, without further ado, I present my thoughts on S1E1.

(Much, much more below the cut)

Let's start with the big one:

Crowley and Aziraphale don't appear to be in love - or even "in like" - during Episode 1.

So, picture this: I'm settling down with lots of warm fuzzy anticipation for all the stolen glances and hesitant hand gestures between Aziraphale and Crowley that I was sure I had either missed or forgotten about from my previous two viewings, and I make a surprising discovery:

There aren't any.

They barely seem to like each other in this episode - they are quite distant and snarky with each other (not the affectionate teasing banter that we've come to know and love, but almost a condescending snideness).

I can't see this version of Aziraphale trusting this version of Crowley to aim a live firearm at him (in fact, in the very next episode, he isn't even comfortable with the demon pointing a paintgun at him). And this version of Crowley would not dream of following Aziraphale around to help him fulfil his dream of being a professional conjuror, and actually actively discourages him from pursuing the notion (although, as many people have pointed out, it's amusing to think that this is because of happened the last time he did this).

So what gives? If there are people saying that the ending of S2E6 doesn't make sense (it does) because it betrays the millennia-long journey these characters have been on (it doesn't) - then I feel like we ought to be having that same discussion about the beginning of S1E1.

OK, OK. Obviously there are lots of 'out-of-universe' reasons for this inconsistency in the portrayal of C & A's relationship. This is the first episode of a new series and not all of the audience will be familiar with these characters; it's necessary to start them in the position of being hereditary enemies in order to give them room to grow and change; the show is a faithful adaptation of the book in which there's basically no romantic tension between the A & C at all, and Neil Gaiman is on record saying he didn't want to make any big changes this relationship, since he could sadly no longer consult with Terry Pratchett. Plus, S2 hadn't been written at this point, so there are undoubtedly details that Mr Gaiman didn't yet know with regards to the shared history of Crowley and Aziraphale while writing S1.

My current theory is that the infamous "You go too fast for me Crowley" line was NOT Aziraphale saying "please be patient with me because I need more time to catch up to where you are in our relationship". Rather, it was him saying, "I can't keep doing this. It was fun while it lasted but it's time I grew up, faced reality and put this silly little crush behind me. So goodbye forever." And he meant it.

But where's the fun in just talking about real-world reasons when we can come up with lots of juicy headcanons instead?!

From Crowley's point of view, I think that by now he'd be used to Aziraphale having periodic wobbles about their friendship. And so, from experience, he knows the best way to handle it is to back all the way off until Aziraphale has 'completed his process', is ready to re-engage again - maybe in a couple of hundred years - and things can go back to what Crowley thinks of as normal.

But knowing all this doesn't make it any less hurtful or frustrating to be rejected because of who he is. So maybe Crowley throws himself back into his bad boy role with a bit more venom than usual - still not doing anything directly evil per se, just enough to tick the boxes on some Hellish paperwork (bringing down mobile networks, designing the M25). Maybe he's more likely to foment discontent while simultaneously not really caring about anything he does either way, because what's even the point if he doesn't have his angelic foil around to wind up/impress?

And normally they would both have about a century or two to successfully work through their respective feelings, and so when they eventually reconnect they can slip back into their comfortable familiarity with relative ease. But the birth of the Antichrist screws up this schedule, truncates both of their coping processes, and means neither of them are quite ready to be best buds again. Hence their 'more prickly than what we might expect' attitudes towards each other in Episode One.

Hooo boy. I feel like I've barely even got half way through all the things I noticed and want to talk about in S1E1, but I think I need to save it for another time or we'll be here for all ineffable eternity. Well done if you made it this far and thanks for coming along for the ride!

#please be gentle this is my first proper attempt at writing anything meta #good omens meta #good omens s1 #good omens rewatch #Aziraphale #Crowley #good omens headcanons

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anxiouspregnantlady · 6 months

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5w - completely and totally spiraling

hi. i am actually on a plane. the flight is 18h long. p is fast asleep next to me. i have wifi and i have been using this luxury to scroll on reddit and go into complete spiral mode about this pregnancy.

nothing really has changed - i still only have my two beta numbers, which feel concerningly low (albeit in normal range) and which doubled reassuringly but somehow not quite reassuringly enough. like, i would've loved for it to triple. i am a bit less queasy, more hungry, but whatever. trying not to overthink it. my nipples are on fire. breastfeeding is torture.

anyway i'm either 4+6 or 5 today, not sure, plus have to compute timezone change. i think it could go either way at this point. the moment i resolve to accept the uncertainty ahead of me + enjoy the present moment + be grateful for the accomplishment that is even being pregnant, something in my brain goes NOPE WE SHOULD SPIRAL INSTEAD. adding to the anxiety is the fact that we won't be able to get an ultrasound until 8w (when we get back home). though i don't know if i would've wanted to go in right at 6w anyway, so it's only really an extra week's delay.

i could miscarry while on vacation -- that would be quite something, and it also would be very deja vu, since that's what happened our very first pregnancy. uncertain whether i want to tell people, am leaning on the side of not.

what do i want to remember? i want to remember that my body grew p r l. but that's a trap too because i think back to how much higher my betas were with her. i want to remember that we learned that ovidrel is how i get pregnant & that that info is going to be really useful moving forward. no internet person can tell me whether or not this pregnancy is going to be viable. hell, even my doctor can't tell me. but on that note, i want to remember that my very VERY experienced and reknowned reproductive endocrinologist doctor was NOT concerned with my labwork and did NOT want me to bother getting a follow up beta. i need to be humble and remember that i don't have a freakin medical degree even if i feel like i do. i want to remember that whether i spiral or not doesn't actually affect the oucome of the pregnancy so i might as well not.

this trip has been so many months in the making & is such an investment in time and money and is also so potentially meaningful!!! for so many reasons. it's going to be really tough to be able to stay present enough to enjoy at least some of it, but i suppose i have to try.

dear baby,

are u there? is it your time yet? i dunno. you have a big sis eagerly awaiting your arrival but if you don't want to come yet i get it because the world is.a hot mess. i feel so selfish for wanting you sometimes.

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youngandvain · 1 year

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16.02.23.

i was gonna fast today but ended up eating keto instead. i'm reading and learning so much about sugar and even though i feel somewhat resistant, i am slowly coming to terms with the idea that it might be the solution for me. i really need to figure out if it's gonna be possible for me to abstain from overeating sugar naturally or if i'll have to introduce a strict no-sugar rule.

anyways, i fasted for 18h, then ate 2100 calories within one hour (turns out ground beef has insane amounts of calories). i had some ground meat with cream cheese and then i was really fucking craving sugar but i had committed to not eating it, so instead i smashed some stuff together with the intent to create keto friendly cookie dough and it worked surprisingly well and was really tasty, at 15g carbs and 45g protein.

i'm doing a lot of exercise today with an hour of walking, another hour of riding my bike, one hour of using the indoor cycling machine at the gym and some weight lifting, so technically my eating is fine for the day. still, i worry that the cookie dough, even though i didn't use any sugar nor artificial sweetener, might have been a bad choice based on how desperately i wanted it (considering the whole addiction situation). since the protein powder i used had artifical sweetener in it which i intend to avoid, that's what's kind of worrying me.

i'm restarting the fast now and hoping to go for seven days.

#weight loss #healthy eating #food addiction #eating diary

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tsubasabasahazard · 1 year

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Pretending tumblr is therapy

[tw: anxiety, depression, don’t read unless you wanna hear abt my boring life]

okay so I’m having an anxiety attack right now, but I don’t have a therapist or friends to talk to (abt this particular issue) so I’m gonna unload here, specially cause I need to get better asap and go back to studying.

you see, I don’t know if I told you but I started an internship two months ago, on a factory that makes bike parts, as a translator, japanese translator, so yeah I work translating documents and translating convo for some people between japanese and brazilians. at first I was excited and afraid, but more excited, after all I loved the opportunity to learn more while also making some money. two months passed.

after the first month and first salary I wasn’t that happy already, and I was already thinking that 6months would be more than enough (they could hire me for at least 2years and 6months is the minimum) and was already counting the days. after talking to a few classmates who also worked as interns (not translation) in factories they said my company was one of the worsts, the pay was really low and the work was too much. and I was still like, okay I can take it, let’s just get through 6months and then I’m out.

but anxiety got waaay worse on the second month, I woke up and went to sleep extremely anxious, sleep was already bad and it got worse, I always felt tired af even after sleeping for at least 6hours, btw my schedule was: waking up at 6-6h30, go get the bus at 8h45 (i take my time having breakfast thnx to adhd) get to work at 9h15, have 1h break from 11h30 to 12h30, then 15min break from 15h30 to 15h45, get out at 16h45, get to college at 17h30, get to class at 18h, get home by 22h45 or 21h45, go to sleep around midnight or later. I even got sick in the second week. oh well, back to second month.

I was already overwhelmed with internship, college and living alone with my friend, when my dad decided to stop by for two days, he lives in another town, whenever he comes here I get even more anxious, it’s a family thing. he went to see my sisters in another state, came back a week later after fighting with them and only told me 6hrs before he got here and I had to pick him up at the airport at 1am. two days more of pure anxiety.

the month was ending and I have tests and seminars now that december started. I haven’t been able to study for a single day even on weekends since college started bcs I’m always too tired from work. I also started having classes on some saturdays, on other staurdays i had work bcs we needed to pay for the days we would stay home thanx to soccer (this is brazil after all 8-D). so yeah, sundays turned to pure hell, free days in the middle of the week only made it all worse to my biological fucked up clock.

I stayed home on the last day of november after taking my dad to his boat home. then I overslept the next day and said I had some personal business to take care. and damn I like this day. I could sleep a bit more, I got up and did some studying, then I went to college early and studied there too, until I met my friends for dinner. then we had class. oh yeah, class, specially this one, Japanese II, I started hating it in the first month of internship. it used to be my favorite class. I couldn’t stand it on this day, even tho my spirits were just fine. and this is why I’m writing this today.

I have a test in 8 days, japanese II, it’s usually a very long test and I really need to study kanji cause I suck at it. I sat down today (after hours of procrastinating) and after writing down half of the kanji i need to study, I started having anxiety, very hard anxiety, I started shaking and my hands and feet got cold, at every stroke or every read I would hate it more, I hated every second of studying for half an hour.

Now let me resume how I feel abt studying japanese. I love it (or loved). I started when I was 14 and loved it ever since, I got depression and after trying to get back to college I realized the only thing that could keep me there would be to study smth I Loved. and damn was I right. I simply LOVED my first two semesters, was super excited for the 3rd one, no matter how hard it got, it was FUN.

I hate it now. I feel like it’s killing me. I feel depression creeping in closer every day. and god that is one of the scariest feelings I’ve ever felt. no my depression is not cured or being treated. I don’t have the money, even with the internship. but it was under control just fine for two semesters. now it’s loose and looking for me like a hungry wolf.

So anyway, I tried talking to people about this. but you see, I’m the happy go duck type of person. nobody takes me fucking serious unless I start crying and shaking and shit. it’s always been like this. but there’s another problem. I don’t cry that easily. not for me. I’m a total crybaby when it comes to fiction, gurl I start crying just from listening to love like you thinking abt TGCF. but crying in front of people? that’s a weakness I was not allowed to have, and I locked it up deep inside. imo it’s almost a talent at this point, how much I can hold back tears no matter how bad I feel, no matter how scared I am of my own thoughts of hurting myself.

It hit me yesterday that no one is going to be on my side, when my oldest bff told me I was being a crybaby for wanting to quit the internship, “money is money”, then I explained to her how bad it was and she just said “hmnm”. my bff who lives with me? said she’ll beat me up if I leave it, we need the money, life has been to hard to give up on this money. my dad? he said “do what you think best, we will do smth abt it (money)” (in a tone of “we have no money, you should just hang in there”).

and well, I guess I’ve been too privileged my whole life, people just don’t think I’m having a hard time no matter how much I say I’m having a hard time, it’s like everyone looks at me and goes “it’s hard for you bcs you’ve never known true hardship”. and I know that’s bullshit, I know hardship is not something to be compared. I also know I’m privileged as fuck! so what is the truth? who’s right? what am I supposed to do? like SHINee says, TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

you know what’s worst? this internship is the first time my course got an opportunity to work with industries, it could open doors to all my peers and my cute juniors, also the lead teacher said “you have a huge responsibility in your back, don’t fuck it up”. so yeah, no pressure lol.

if you read this until here you can comment smth or just move on, I don’t really care. you can’t say stuff like “ask for help” tho, I already did several times during my years of depression, no one could do shit for me, I know what the people around me can do for me, none of it will help me right now.

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natysadventureblog · 4 years

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Day Sixteen [Internship at Mingan Island Cetacean Study]

21-Aug-2017

We can see the sea again!! The fog is gone and the sun is out!! Well, at least it was when I woke up…

I woke up at 7h55, because once again I was too tired to get up earlier.

One of the girls made hash browns for us, and they were delicious!! It's not a thing in Brazil, so I hadn't eaten it since the last time I was in the US, in 2013!

The day was beautiful, but it was so windy that it looked like we were riding our bikes in slow motion!! Haha

We opened the museum and I went up to do some matching. I was able to match one this morning (one of the other girls was doing matching as well, so I didn't get to try them all). The one I matched today is a male, called Triad. The first dated photos of him are also from 2007.

Afterwards, I did some scanning until 12h, when it was time for me to finally try a poutine, because you can't come to Québec and not eat it!! If you never heard of it, like it was my case until I was in Sept-Îles, poutine is basically fries with cheese and gravy. Not healthy and very fat, but also very yummy! I bought the small portion, which cost me $6.33 (with taxes), but it was so big!! And I couldn't save it for later, so I had to eat it all… at the end, I was already starting to not feel too well… haha, but it was good!

After eating, I went for a walk on the beach… I saw the same birds as always… oh! One of the sandpipers decided to stay on one leg to rest, but then the wave would come, and it had to run away, but it didn't want to put it down, so it would just hop on one leg, very quickly!! It was hilarious! Hahaha

I was already on my way back, past 12h45, when I finally saw a grey seal… it had its head way above the water, and it was just scoping, so I started recording it… then I see something in the water, behind it… and again… and again… it was a porpoise!!! My first time REALLY seeing a porpoise!! And it was video bombing my seal!! Hahaha

Apparently, there are a lot of harbor porpoises around here, but they are so tiny that it's almost impossible to spot them from the beach! And I did!! And I was able to find them again, afterwards… and I could count 3 of them, surfacing and submerging, one right after the other, making it look like it's just one bigger animal!! I couldn't get a good photo, but I did get few ok ones… I'M SO EXCITED!!!

I got back (a little bit late, because I was watching the porpoises, of course! Oh! And I also saw 2 seals together!! Sorry, not sorry!) and did some more scanning until about a quarter past 15h, when I went with the girls to get some ice cream across the street, right next to the food truck that sells the poutine. I wasn't really gonna buy any, because I had been told that it was expensive, but I ended up buying a nuts and maple one, for about $4.00, and it was really good!! And I love it how you can take your time to eat it and it doesn't melt!! Hahaha

We went to eat it on the beach, and I think I saw the porpoises again (I definitely saw something, but it was far away and I didn't have my camera with me, because I didn't know we were going to the beach), and one of the girls showed us a skull (well, part of one) she found during her lunch! It looked so weird, though! It was broken, so it was missing a lot of parts, so it didn't even have the eye socket, and it looked more like it belonged to an alien! Haha

When we got back to the station, we showed the pictures around and one of the researchers said it was probably a grey seal… and said we should bring it to the station, so we could take a better look at it! I was gonna go get it, but it had started raining, so I gave up, but one of the other girls volunteered to go.

Once we had it, he confirmed that it really was a marine mammal (he showed us a wolf skull for comparison), and still suspected it to be a seal, but couldn't be sure which one, so we went to the library to look it up. We still think it's a grey seal, but we're still not sure… something different to do this week!

I went back to scanning for the last half hour of the day, but it was pouring (I even hear some thunders in the distance) by 17h30, so we just waited there, until one of the staff members said she was going home and offered us a ride around 18h.

I still wasn't hungry because of all the poutine and the ice cream, so I didn't go up to cook right away, but because of the rain, the internet wasn't working, so there wasn't much for me to do, and I soon went up to the kitchen.

After eating, I practiced the knots, showered, and worked on what I could, offline.

Not the most productive of nights, but at least it means I can go to bed early, which is good, because in spite of the not so great weather at the end of today, we're still planning on going out on the boats tomorrow!! I really hope we do, cause I've been here for nearly two weeks and still haven't gone off shore!! I need to see the whales!!!

#biologist #internship #conservation #marine biology #Canada #MICS #Longue-Pointe-de-Mingan

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kxowledge · 5 years

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I’ve been silent for months now – so where do I start? I always struggle to know where to begin after a long (in this case involuntary) abstinence from writing.

I am feeling stagnant. Many things changed, but am I moving forward? Am I moving in the right direction? Is it the right pace? I’m exhausted all the time. I work 40h on top of the 18h at the hostel, but it’s not just physical. I feel understimulated and unfocused. I need to think about my priorities and I need to feel like I’m working towards my goals.

Moving to Bath wasn’t the only change that took place. Life in Italy has come to an end, but so has life as an economics student. I finished writing my thesis mid-August; the feedback has been great and I loved every single step of the process. I passed all the remaining exams, and I submitted all the documents required. I graduated. The official ceremony was held this weekend, but I was done with my degree the moment I received my last exam grade. The final grade was expected; the good news is that I got maximum points for my dissertation. I am now more sure than ever that this is what I want to pursue and apparently I might even be good at it. I also received a hefty sum from an unexpected scholarship. The two things combined made me rethink my decision to defer grad school applications for a year. Hence, I will now start studying for the GRE. Ideally the test date I have in mind is in December, in less than a month. Not sure if I’ll actually be able to.

I’m also ecstatic to say that I was accepted to study for a Bachelor of Theology (though I’m not sure how this will fit into my timeline). I received the offer back in June, conditional on me graduating and passing a French B2 language exam (which I’m incredibly proud to say I did pass). However, due to a formal technicality, I have more documentation to submit, but hopefully I’ll start from the spring semester.

I also got a job in a start-up that I believe is genuinely innovative, however it is a mix between engineer and financial analyst. I already knew I disliked finance (as in working in, not finance itself, which I find fascinating) and coding, yet here I am working in a fintech. While I can say that I am indeed learning a lot – gaining knowledge about the industry and sharpening my coding skills – I don’t find it exciting. I will stick to this for a couple of months, mainly due to the lack of alternatives, though there are some positive aspects: (1) this has the potential to be the next big thing in finance and I want to be part of it, (2) £££, (3) I’m getting paid to learn – so far I’ve tackled SQL & MongoDB, in the near future I’ll focus on Python, then who knows. I’d like to learn R, but I have no work-related reason to justify it, but since they are paying me for a premium subscription to CodeAcademy, I might just take a course. The only exciting idea I had is that I could write a research paper about it. I’ll have to see how to frame my proposal in order for it to be approved. In the meanwhile, I asked to be assigned to the tasks of exposing the business logic and defining a sleek onboarding process for future hires, which are quite a challenge that hopefully will keep me interested. What I really like though is understanding in depth a topic, become extremely well-versed in it, and find a way to explain it clearly to others. Feeling competent is quite good.

I’m not sure where I’ll go from here. What do I want to do? The future holds only uncertainty for the moment.

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castellankurze · 4 years

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“We can never be together” kiss for ... idk, but make it hurt

“So hey,” he asked as he twiddled the stick between his fingers. “Can I ask you a question?”

The scanner unit crouched behind a tumble of broken rocks, just about forty meters away from a steel wall, into which was carved a doorway guarded by a pair of round-faced machines. Over the past half hour, one of them had practically become his very own belonging, thanks to his wireless hacking, but he was content to sit in the back of the thing’s mind the way he sat unseen behind the rocks, waiting for the right time.

“Does some facet of the operation need clarification?” the operator’s voice pinged back.

He laughed, rubbing at his mouth with his free hand to stifle the sound. He was fairly sure nothing was listening, but best not to tempt fate. “No, I’m clear on the mission. I meant about you.”

“Oh.” 23O’s voice became less clipped, less mechanical, when she was surprised. “Go ahead.”

“When I get a chance to swing by the Bunker again, could I buy you a drink?” he asked, pausing in his twirling of the stick to scratch at one cheek with his thumb. Good thing she couldn’t see him.

“We don’t have to pay for water rations, 7S,” she replied, confused.

“Of course not, I mean a drink,” the scanner unit replied, smoothing back hair that had become shaggy over the past month without maintenance. “I heard it’s an old human tradition to get intoxicated in the company of comrades after a successful mission.”

“Oh. You mean alcohol,” 23O caught on. He could practically see her glancing left and right, and sure enough when she next spoke her voice was quiet. “You can’t bring contraband like that back to the Bunker,” she whispered.

“Shh. Don’t use the c-word,” he replied, putting a finger to his lips in pantomime. “Just call it a sample for research.”

He heard her suppress a laugh. “Alright,” she said. “I’m in.”

“Data upload complete,” the feminine voice of Pod 137 interrupted. “Unit 7S backup has been successfully updated.”

“Alright, then we’re on,” he said, cracking the stick with his thumb. “Let the strike team know I’m moving in.”

“Roger!” 23O responded crisply.

YoRHa Unit Number 7 Type S rose from his crouch and started towards the armored door. One of the two guardians started to raise its gun arm, but with a swish of his forefinger the scanner directed its partner to bring its own weapon to bear and fire an energy blast into its compatriot’s torso. With another twirl of his finger, 7S had the hacked machine lift its weapon to its head and fire a second round.

Stepping past the superheated wrecks, 7S tapped a few digits at the keypad and slipped inside the base.

——————-

He could see the light before he opened his eyes. When he did so, he had to blink several times to try and reduce the harsh white glare.

“He’s awake. Let her know,” he heard a nearby voice say.

He grunted something incoherent and lifted a hand to grope at his face, searching for something that wasn’t there.

“Hold still, another voice said, and a shadow appeared in the light, reaching down towards him. A moment later and he felt a strip of cloth wrap around his head, covering his eyes. The nanotechnology in the blindfold came alive, reducing the blinding glare to manageable levels and transforming the muzzy shadow into the form of a YoRHa unit.

“Wwwwhere’m I?” he asked, slurring slightly.

“You’re in the medical bay on the Bunker,” the female unit replied. A text overlay identified her as 18H. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“W’was…heading in,” he replied, his mind feeling like mush. “Where’s team?”

The medical unit pressed her lips together.

“Team? Where’ss’a team?” he asked more urgently, attempting to sit up.

She put a hand to his chest and had him flat on his back again without much effort. “Don’t rise yet,” she said. “Your new body isn’t fully conditioned yet.”

“Wh…” he swallowed and licked his lips, rapidly flipping through programs and rushing a self-assessment. “What. Happened,” he asked with as much clarity as he could muster.

“The details are not clear, and likely never will be,” another voice answered him, this one strident and cold. 18H stepped back and jolted to attention as the imposing face of the Commander replaced her at the bedside.

“Ma’am,” 7S said automatically.

She briefly inclined her head in acknowledgement. “Shortly after you entered the enemy stronghold, our eyes in the sky registered a chain of explosions, set off by a black-box reaction,” she said. “Our best guess is that the base was some manner of trap intended to lure in one of our strike teams and destroy them. We believe that once inside, you either set off the explosives accidentally or else deliberately. Given your record, Unit 7S,” she continued, producing a pad across which she idly flicked a finger, “I could believe either one.”

“The team?” he asked again, ignoring the jab.

“No casualties. Not even a bruise,” the Commander replied. “Fortunately, we had a fresh backup for your memories and that of your pod. All in all you only lost about twenty minutes.”

Twenty minutes. “How long since then?” he asked.

“A thirty-six hour cycle to produce and condition a fresh body. You’ve been here the whole time.” She finally looked up from the pad, spearing him with her analytical gaze. “I understand you’ve acquired something of a nickname in the past few months, 7S. ‘Lucky Sevens?’”

He tried to swallow, his throat dry. “Yes ma’am.”

“This is your third reset in eight weeks, Scanner,” she said. “Should I be concerned one of my units is getting a little too hot on the self-destruct trigger?”

“No ma’am!” he protested, feeling more and more like an insect having a pin slowly pushed through its abdomen. “I don’t- I mean, I’m not- It’s not by choice!”

She held him pinned for a long moment before returning her attention to the pad. “I concur with your self-assessment,” she said then. “What data we have of your…misadventures demonstrates no deliberate recklessness, merely…”

“Bad luck?” he asked flatly.

“I was going to say ‘the cost of war,’” she replied, lowering the pad. “I’m assigning you a week of downtime. You are not to leave the Bunker while you recuperate, is that clear?”

“Yes ma’am,” he replied, lowering his head. There was no longer a fringe of shaggy hair to obscure his face - that would have to grow out once more from the standard YoRHa hair length.

She was silent for a moment. “I don’t believe in such a thing as a bad-luck unit,” she finally said. “If I did believe you were undermining our war efforts, you would not be waking up today. Is that clear?”

“Yes ma’am,” he said, laying back once more. She nodded and turned to leave. That was when he remembered what he’d been talking about during his backup, and before the Commander could leave the room he hastened to ask, “ma’am? 23O’s not in trouble either, is she?”

The Commander turned back to look at him, her blue-eyed gaze grim. “Operator Number Twenty Three requested a transfer off the Bunker to one of the research satellites twelve hours ago,” she replied in an icy tone. With that she departed the medical bay, leaving the stunned scanner to the attentions of the H units.

There were words spoken in the intervening time period between the personnel present, but 7S didn’t bother to register them, at least until a male voice said from close by, “here you go.”

He turned his head to see another scanner unit holding out a pad not unlike the one the Commander had carried. Reacting automatically, 7S reached out and took it. Even with the blindfold the confusion must have shown, because 14S snorted. “You really are out of it, huh.”

“Huh?” echoed 7S.

“You wanted your pad since you were gonna be laid up in here another day,” the other scanner said. “18H said it was okay.”

“Oh. Right,” 7S replied automatically. “Thanks.” Even as he spoke he was furiously bringing up his internal clock and comparing it to the Bunker’s own. The Commander had said he’d lost thirty-six hours while they’d setup a fresh copy for him, but the numbers showed that almost a full forty-eight hours had passed since his last backup.

The Commander had lied to him.

———–

He left his quarters dark, but for the dim halo of his workstation’s power indicator and the starlight from the window to the outside. Laying on his bunk, he used a physical jack to run a cord from the port built into his left forearm to his station, accessing the Bunker network without his wireless.

As soon as 18H had cleared him to leave the medbay, he’d retreated to his den, using the Commander’s enforced week of leave to hole up in private. Lucky - compared to the machine units down on Earth, the firewalls in the Bunker were like trying to stare directly into the sun compared to looking at the stars. He had to take every step as cautiously as he could, seconds and then minutes passing as he waiting for the right moment to advance his program into the medbay’s record logs.

There it was. He brought up the camera feed and whizzed through the hours following his self-destruction. It was a displacing thing, now matter how many times it happened, to watch a body without a soul be placed inside a tank, synthetic flesh and blood being crafted around a nanocarbon-steel endoskeleton to create a facsimile of you - one that, in time, would become you.

He reduced the playback to normal speed in time to see 18H help him from the amniotic tank, putting him into clothes and laying him in one of the nearby beds, for without her help he could never have so much as stood on his own. He watched them test his reflexes. He saw 14S show up to offer his well-wishes, his own request for a pad to help him pass the time.

And then there she was. YoRHa unit 23 type O. Tall and slim and statuesque, her face half-obscured by her veil. She strode into the room at a sedate pace to stand beside his bed.

“How do you feel?” he heard her ask in a quiet voice.

“Been better,” he heard the 7S on the bed reply. “Been worse, too.”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” 23O replied, her voice soft and sweet.

“Sorry I didn’t bring the research sample,” the 7S of two days ago said. “Maybe next time, huh?” He saw her close her long-lashed eyes. The other 7S must have taken note of her posture as well, because he asked, “hey, you okay?”

He saw her reach out towards his forehead, brushing back hair that was too short to need brushing back. “No,” she said. “I’m sorry, but there won’t be a next time.”

Long pause. “What do you mean?” asked the 7S on the bed.

23O closed her eyes and shook her head. “When the system registered your black box offline…I lost control for a moment.”

“What happened?” he asked, and in the darkness of the bunkroom his lips mirrored the question of the past.

“I jumped up and shouted,” she said. There was silence as the pair of them languished, together contemplating the breach in protocol.

“I’m sure it won’t-” he started to reassure her.

She cut him off. “The Commander reprimanded me. Officially. It’s on my record.”

“That’s not fair-” the bygone 7S protested.

“It is fair. I didn’t follow the rules,” 23O overrode his emotional response. “And it made me realize I can’t hold this position any more.”

“What?” the present-tense 7S asked of his bunk ceiling, hearing the outraged question echoing from two days in the past.

“You…the battler units assigned to me…the cancelers in flight between us and the Earth…I’m too invested,” 23O said. “I’m reacting emotionally.” He saw her stroke 7S’s cheek with a gloved hand. “I put in for a transfer. I’m moving from the Bunker to one of the research stations. I’m sorry, Sevens,” he heard the cracking in her voice. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” he heard his voice murmur in a weak attempt at reassurance. “You shouldn’t have to take a fall for this.”

“It’s not about what we should have. It’s about doing the right thing. For the future of humanity,” she said. As he watched, 7S saw her reach up to slip her veil off, saw her lean down to kiss the lips of the prone scanner, holding him for a long moment before she leaned back and replaced the garment. “Goodbye, Sevens,” she said then, her voice tight.

“…bye,” he heard himself murmur, stunned. And he watched as she walked from the room without another word, her stride fast and tense.

“18H,” he heard himself say, long after his visitor had departed. “Do me a favor?”

“What can I help with?” asked the medical unit, crossing over to him.

“When the night cycle takes over, can you set today’s memories to overwrite?” the 7S on the bed asked, his voice plaintive.

“Are you sure?” the H unit questioned.

“Uh huh.”

7S cut the feed and disengaged from the Bunker’s systems. Lying there in the darkness and staring up at the ceiling, there was nothing to distract him from the slight tingling as the blindfold’s nanotechnology kept the moisture in his eyes at a regulated level.

#Nier Automata #kurze writes #asked and answered #kiss pairings #Lucky Sevens #starcunning #this got way away from me

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scienceoftheidiot · 5 years

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Wake up at 4:30 am to shake partner who has to take a train...

... To this news

NETFLIX WHY

I will not go this length on Twitter but here... Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

I took Netflix for Daredevil. I keep Netflix for Daredevil.

Though I will probably share this :

This show, when it went out, I was at my lowest. For a while, it was a thing I would look forward to, as one of the few if not only things that kept me going, with my other favourite show Ripper Street. It was 2015, I had just started my PhD and things were NOT going well. At all. I was alone, I was harassed, treated like shit, and I felt I didn't belong anywhere and that I would never ever manage to go on and do these damn 3 years if it was going to be like this. I was on the verge of giving up.

And it's silly to give so much importance to the opening of a show, but Daredevil has also been my favourite super hero since childhood, when I discovered old 60's comics in my grand father's collection. He's part of me, old hornhead. And sometimes if it's silly things that keep you going, they aren't that silly.

But Daredevil is exactly about what I needed by then. It's about getting up, it's about toughing it up through, it's about never backing down.

Of course it's not the only reason I carried on with it, I managed to see someone, I have a supporting partner, family and dear friends, who supported me even when they were going through shit themselves.

But this show was special to me then. It's still special to me now, but I will always remember the actual shivers I felt when I started watching the first episode, you know? Shivers I still feel whenever I listen to the opening credits.

I'm damn emotional right now.

Anyway, what did I say? Daredevil is about never giving up even if you're down. So here. I am not giving up.

#RenewDaredevil tomorrow, 12am-2pm ET, 18H-20H heure de Paris. Not giving up the fight.

#renewdaredevil #Daredevil #Netflix

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chubbychummy · 5 years

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Positive Week

This past week, I have spent only 2 out of 5 work days in the lab. I have otherwise been at some course in centre city (it’s about an hour away).This has been a good change of pace for me and tbh it just kind of pushes back the work I need to be doing but I think it is a much needed break.

Also a good chance for me to socialise — as I live outside of city centre, it is usually a lot of time/effort for me to get into the city. I have to plan for it. But spending all day here for the course, I was able to do things I would not have otherwise been able to doTuesday afternoon during the lunch break, I ran all over the city going to pharmacies trying to find T which apparently ran out of stock in all of France. I didn’t get all that I needed but it was enough so that was awesome. I won’t have to worry about that again til May.

Thursday, I had the chance to use my lunch break to change my transportation plan from monthly unlimited to what I should have had to begin with: pay as you go. I seldom use public transport since I usually just use my bike. I would have saved about 20€ a month which is nothing to shy from. But I won’t look at sunk costs I spent hat I could have saved. Just nice knowing that starting in May I will start saving money from this change ^^ I should have changed it many months ago (like a full year ago), but again, life came up and it’s hard to juggle everything I have going on. I’m just happy that in the future, I will not be spending unnecessary money on this

Tuesday evening I met up with Delphine. We just sat around and chatted for a bit - it was really low key. She was catsitting for a few days and I got to hang out with a super adorable and nice black longhair kitty (named Negro lmaoooo so they just call him bébéchat) Anyhow it was super super low key but it always just puts me in a good mood to see her. Later that night I went to the bar to a regular meetup type deal and chatted with some new folks I have not met before. Also relatively low key but it was just nice. ^^ Wednesday was a very inefficient day hahahh. (Monday was super super efficient- I worked essentially nonstop from 9am-7pm barely stopping for food. But I was on a good roll. Wednesday was not so efficient hahahh. But that’s okay.) crashed Wednesday night at 8:30pm and had a first long sleep in a week, which was good and my body needed it.Thursday back to the course — but it was a new course! Actually by the same instructor! I had not originally signed up for it but wanted to attend. And she said that she was looking for more students so I was welcome! Which was cool! Upside: I get to complete this course and add like 18h more to my training repertoire, it is in English so it’s easy for me, I am already familiar with the instructor, etc. downside: I still have some administrative stuff I need to sort out in centre city but I literally don’t have the time unless I take a vacation day to get it done, but I feel like I have too much work rn to try to take any day off in the next two weeks. This is my visa and residence permit thing. I needed to have done this two weeks ago hah. But anyhow. It was good that I got in this course - and how!

So there were two girls in this course also, one of whom talked to me (she’s very very talkative) and it was awesome! which is not very typical of a French person, but she did and it was awesome. (She is also fluent in German!)Anyhow the course was very cool and frankly I just felt good about the interactions. ÚwÙ Thursday evening, I had the second to last operation for my tooth surgery shitPutting in the anchor — it was back close to where I live which is 1hr away. So I hopped back on the tram then bus and made it there, got it done (it was fast!!) and it was only 19h20. There was some thing I had in my google calendar in centre city I thought I couldn’t go to cuz of the dentist thing but it was at 19h30, and honestly knowing French people, people always arrive fashionably late. So if I hopped right back on a bus/Tram from the dentist, I could get back to centre city by ~8pm so I did just that

The thing in my google calendar was at the Maison de Chercheurs, but my lab was having an outing elsewhere. So I figured okay, i would go to the one with the people from my lab. Tbh it wasn’t super great for me but also I’m still super glad I went cuz at least it completely eliminated FOMO, and honestly almost everyone was there. Like 20+ people. I hardly talked to anyone, but I was present. I did chat a little bit and the little I talked was fun. I think it was rly good I was there too cuz also I talked with the Portuguese intern who was there (she doesn’t speak French, so it was tough for her. There is only one other non francophone and he is Italian but Luca was there as well.) so she was rly alone and I’m glad I was there at least to chat with her occasionally. Anyhow it was good even if it wasn’t gr8, but I’m still very very glad I went( Plus since I had been working so much on my own this whole week - and last - I had hardly had time to see folks in the lab) So then Friday. Was tired waking up having only slept some 5 hours, but what was off to a tired start turned into a really good day.I didn’t pay too too much attention in the course today (had trouble focusing bc tired hah) but then around lunchtime, he girl who sat next to me yesterday (and her friend with whom she works — same cohort) invited me to lunch with them For some reason my student restaurant card doesn’t work here in centre city, so I couldn’t really pay the food things here (I was ready to pay a more expensive price with my bank card or cash but I don’t think they accept either), but one of the girls covered me. Albeit it’s only like €3, but still. (Whereas I think it’d be like 6€ idk)So I had lunch with them - chicken, fries, a dessert, and appetizer ! Good shit! And had a chance to talk to them about some stuff too so that was cool. It’s just rly nice talking with folks and meeting/getting to know new people.

Was late coming back (got scolded by the instructor), but it’s also okay. We worked on an activity where we essentially pretended to be journalists and interviewed one another about our thesis projects and I sat next to and worked with/interviewed this new girl who spoke a very fluent English! And !!!!!!! It was amazing ??????Idk you know when you instantly just click with someone And then like when that happens you kind of ?? Keep clicking ????Like repeatedly as the interaction continues, you just kind of keep clicking multiple times and it never seems to rly stop and you’re just like ??? God??? I rly get you?????? It was like that with her and it was too coolLike someone else in the class actually called out my name to tell me to lower my voice cuz I didn’t realise I was speaking too loudly — I was just ??? Really excited and enthusiastic???!?Anyhow it was just rly awesome and I was like “actually can I get your contact info later bc I would really love to talk”And we kind of had a chance in this mock interview to give each other mini professional life stories (like life stories but only what is pertinent to our professional work track I guess) and idk it was rly coolSo anyhow at the very end of the course I was getting ready to ask her to exchange contact info but she asked me firstLike literally as I was opening my mouth to ask, she was like “actually if you don’t mind—“ and I thought it would have to wait but then she straight up asked me for my contactsAnd so we sort of excitedly parted waysI considered going to the administrative building afterward (closes at 16h30 — it was 16h45 already by now) to see if I might catch someone ask they’re leaving, but also it takes like ten minutes to walk there so I decided against it in the endI was heading back to the classroom building figuring I could just spend 1.5-2hours chilling on discord or twitter while changing my phone and waiting until 18:30 cuz I told someone I’d get a drink with him later that evening. But when I turned around, the other girl was there and she waved and walked over and we chatted some more. Like where are you headed? Just going back home. You live in centre city? Yeah just around the corner. So I offered to walk her home cuz I have no other plans for the next two hoursShe asked if I had seen Les Machines (I had), and she admitted that since coming to Nantes in October (she is from Le Mans just a few hours northeast ), she hasn’t actually gone out and seen much. She bought the new assassin’s creed so she’s just been going home and playing video games all night lolBut she asked if I was down to just walk around and I’m like ?? Absolutely?? I love walking??I suggested the park, which is honestly beautiful - esp on a beautiful day - so we proceed to take the ugliest ass most inefficient route to walk there. But it was okay cuz we kinda just talked the entire time so it was fine.She’s rly rly cool and anyhow we got to the park and just continued talking while walking in the park. Eventually after hanging out with some goats, we saw there was another girl from the same course, who had her husband and her kids with her. So we just stood around and chatted for like another hour or so

Eventually it was 18h30 so I was like huh should probably meet up with that guy I said I’d get drinks with, so we headed in that general direction while still talking. Passed by a... spontaneous mini local food market? So I sent the message to the guy to come over cuz there’s something going on here. And the girl and I awkwardly accidentally walked out of the market cuz it’s rly rly small and takes about 30 seconds to walk through, and we’re just trying to decide what to do. Get a coffee? (She’s Muslim so no alcohol - also I seldom drink and I don’t prefer it). Or a kebab? She wasn’t hungry but also admitted she didn’t have money on her, and I told her not to worry - my treat. We ended up going back to the tiny food market and I got us both some granola and fruit leather? As a snack cuz she wasn’t rly hungry. But that way we could sit around and chat and munch while waiting for my other friend to show He eventually came and we walked around together but then the girl left (said she had to go home, but tbh I think she had a fear she might have been imposing?)Anyhow I ended up walking and talking some more with the other friend (Canadian guy) and we ended up in some restaurant (oops my bad I thought it was a bar— he likes beers and said he wasn’t that hungry, so a little awk that this turned out to be a restaurant). But anyhow, he got some beers and I got a sausage platter to share for us.And we spent the rest of that night kind of just sharing life experiences and discussing doctorate struggles and remarks about French culture and our experiences and anecdotes and shitIt was just a really really good night

#chum #long post

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cestlemoment · 5 years

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some ... ‘eliott since wednesday’ content

mecredi : 10:40

he literally only came to school for lucas. he wanted to see lucas, and talk to him about everything that had happened since he had to leave lucas’ on sunday. ( things he’d done: laid in his bed and hadn’t slept sunday night because he couldn’t get comfortable. called lucille to ask her to meet him and talk. told her that they were for sure broken up and that he was sorry for disappearing without telling her he was leaving. said that he wanted to be with lucas, but that she better not tell anyone. she said she wouldn’t. thankfully. but she still looked at him with that look that said are you manic? because they both know what happened last time, and he doesn’t feel manic. at all. he feels happy and calm and safe when he’s around lucas. which he can’t say he feels calm and happy with lucille anymore. he hadn��t been at school monday, tuesday, because he... still has trouble going to school. ) but he’s at school for lucas, and grinning through lucas’ science class window, and he’s trying to mask how tired he looks, but it’s probably not working, but he’s happy to see lucas, doesn’t remember that maybe he shouldn’t kiss lucas right in front of his classroom, and he remembers at lucas’ reaction. it’s all good until the floor fucking drops out from under him at don’t worry, i don’t talk to her anymore (i’m not worried... why don’t you talk to her?) because i don’t need crazy people in my life. and that’s it. that’s the end, he knows it is. he thinks he’s going to die because of this. it takes all of his willpower to not give lucas the kiss he lifts his chin up for. because he doesn’t deserve that, he doesn’t even deserve that last, goodbye kiss. (goodbye, lucas. that’s what his brain is saying when he walks away.)

mercredi: 11:30

he’s back at home. alone. always alone! always! and he’s trying to block out lucas’ words from less than an hour ago. and he feels so fucking stupid for believing that he could have anything else in his life, that he could actually have the way that lucas makes him feel permanently. it always happens this way. he thinks he might want something different, tries to get it, puts himself out there, and then gets it all thrown back into his face. cause he’s fucking stupid. backpack dropped by the door, and he’s already changed out of his school clothes, because he’s going to sleep this feeling off. whatever, he doesn’t have to do school stuff anyway, he just has to show up to his exams, and those are months away. hands rub over his face, forcing any upset tears to not appear, and he’s messing with his phone for a few minutes, some desperate part of him hoping that lucas noticed he said something wrong, hoping that lucas will text him, because really, that’s all he wants, despite all of this. and ... then the phone is on his desk, and he’s just going to sleep as long as his body will let him. he’s tired of feeling this way.

mercredi: 18:39

his mom would be happy that he’s cooking, that he’s not just trying to sleep away the pit of hunger in his stomach because he’s too tired to get up and make something. and he’s making it hurt more because he keeps looking at his phone. and obviously there’s no text from lucas. there’s nothing from lucille. there’s ... no one else that texts him. he feels really fucking alone. but maybe he’ll fuck around and draw something, and he ends up at his desk, half an hour later, beers on the table around him, trying to draw away the way he feels. he’s already decided he’s not fucking going to school the rest of the week, he can’t deal with it if he’s not going to see lucas.

jeudi 17:50

he’s spent all day thinking. all fucking day laying in his bed just thinking about what the fuck he’s supposed to do now. he’d laid all his cards on the table. his room smells like weed, he knows that, but he’s just tired and stressed and on edge and he’s not sure what else to do to calm down. and then lucas’ text comes in. ( ça y est, je l’ai dit a mon coloc.) which, he’s proud, happy for lucas to have someone he could open up to, say something about ... them. but there can’t be a them. because lucas doesn’t want crazy people in his life, and he’s crazy, and he’s just going to hurt lucas. so there can’t be a them. and his response, his text, his that’s cool, i’m happy for you, but it’s moving too fast for me, it’s my fault, i’m sorry , is meant to be the easiest way for lucas to know there can’t be a them. not if that’s the way lucas feels. it’s meant to let lucas down easily, place all the blame on himself (because it is his fault. it’s his fault that he can never, ever, ever have what he truly wants. lucas. it’s his fault.) and he doesn’t want to think about how lucas might feel, he almost hopes that lucas will reply, that he’ll call, that he’ll do something. he stares too long, and lucas doesn’t, and he wants to scream at himself because he could have said something to lucas. (but lucas doesn’t want crazy people in his life.) it’s easier this way, it’s easier for both of them.

vendredi 09:18

breakfast. he’s trying. he got a message about some party that the foyer girls are going to be at, and apparently they... at least appreciate him trying to participate in their foyer thing, even if he’s been shit at showing up. it was a surprise to see it. the part of him that wants to believe that he can just hide his bipolar from lucas wants to text lucas to go with him to the party. not even as ... being together... just as ... he wants to see lucas. as dumb that that is. he can’t see lucas, he’s not allowed to, because he can’t stand any more hurt. his fingers are flashing through the motions until he’s typing salut, j’ai un invitation à une fête ce soir, tu veux à viens avec moi? to lucille. he’s a bit surprised that he gets back a ouais, bien sûr j'irai. from her. he’d expected radio silence on her end. she doesn’t mention lucas, nor does he expect her to. it takes all his willpower to not swipe back to his contacts, stare at his and lucas’ message thread. it’s right there, right above lucille’s name. it would be so easy. and it would be so easy to go look at lucas’ instagram again. all these things would be so easy. he turns his phone upside down after sending lucille, okay. 18h, j’allerais à toi. the phone stays there most of the rest of the day, and he in his room, trying to find some sort of care about any of this. ( he knows why he’s going back to lucille, maybe not all the way back, he doesn’t want to really be with her, anymore, but he can’t be with lucas, and he just needs something stable. everything’s falling apart at the seems, and he can’t seem to grab onto anything that doesn’t crumble under his touch. she knew him back when this was all just a mild case of depression, a little bit of anxiety thrown in for the fun of it. when it was just something half the people he knew had, because everyone’s stressed and depressed, and she understood back then. she understood that sometimes he got a bit more down than everyone else, and so they’d hang out at her place or something. it was nice of her, and he knows he’d been in love with her. but the mania scared her, he knows that. no one knows how to deal with that. the mania and him doing irrational, impulsive things to get the attention of his best friend, the night of him frantic and afraid and panicked and wide-eyed after he’d kissed him, and been rejected, and he started spiraling, so, so bad and it’d been so close to exams he didn’t even know they were happening and she had, has a right to be afraid for him. the mania scared her, but she doesn’t have any idea (no one can have any idea) how afraid it made him. during, after. it’s fair that she’s afraid of him doing that same thing, now. but with lucas it is --- was different. because ... lucas wanted him too (wants? him too?) and didn’t reject him. he doesn’t feel manic. but he knows that lucas won’t like him if he’s manic. that’s ... a given, he knows that. but lucille didn’t leave, didn’t abandon him, even if she’s been more and more -- overbearing... whether or not it’s him perceiving that it’s actually what she’s doing, but -- she’s familiar. it’s familiar to talk to her and make plans with her and just -- everything is falling apart around him so he doesn’t know what else to do.)

vendredi 19:30

they’ve been here a while, the music loud from the minute they’ve gotten here, the familiarity of them going into a party together is strangely jolting, but still something easier to deal with than a crumbling foundation. it hadn’t taken long for them to fall back into old routines, years old routines of dancing together and sharing a drink and just talking. she talks around the topic of her thinking he’s manic, around the topic of lucas. she doesn’t talk around is he going to school? and he talks around no, i haven’t. he doesn’t know anyone here, not really. it’s weird, and he finally tells her that he wants to go home, and he knows that she can see the tiredness in his eyes, because she knows that tiredness. there’s a familiarity here, them laughing a bit and they end up at the side of the house, slowing a little, talking, and it’s familiar and safe and stable, and he hasn’t really felt that way in a few days, and it just -- happens. pushing in to kiss lucille, and it’s familiar (the way her lips feel under his, the way her hands rest on his waist.) it’s familiar. but then she pulls away, her familiar voice ‘soit nous sommes ensemble ou nous ne sommes pas’ -- and it’s true, she’s right. (and....) ‘qu'en est-il de lucas?’ and he doesn’t say anything. just asks if they can leave, get on the bus. he wants to confide in lucille, because he doesn’t have anyone else, but he’s afraid to do that, too. he doesn’t know what she’ll say, he just doesn’t know anything anymore. he kisses her cheek when she gets off at her stop. he doesn’t know what to do about anything anymore, and he feels like he’s going to explode. everything is too overwhelming and he doesn’t know who to ask. what to do. he most certainly can’t show up to his parents’ at ... whatever time it is. (looks at his phone, and it’s not even that late... but ...) he can’t sleep when he gets home, tossing and turning and scribbling things in his journal, and finally gives up and sets up his laptop to watch netflix until he feels like he’s emptied his brain enough to just ... stop thinking.

#❛ ‹ i. &. meta & study ; i am in need of the peace that is just out of my reach. / eliott demaury › ❜#the base of this is: he's overwhelmed and doesn't know what to feel and what he's allowed to feel and just #hes very very overwhelmed #and he doesn't know what the right course of action is hes just Very Very overwhelmed and theres no other words for it alskdgj #long post //#skam france spoilers //#a little bit ? maybe ?

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travellianna · 5 years

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Antarctica aboard the Ocean Adventurer... and yes there were a lot of penguins!

We made this unforgettable adventure by booking with Expedition Trips who then organised everything with Quark Expeditions. They were all amazing from start to end of the journey, and we would highly recommend them! People of all ages were on the trip, with the eldest woman at 97 years so it’s never too late.

My number one tip is to pack layers and pack less than you think you wil need because the weight limit on the slightly old and wobbly looking jet plane is 15kg per person! The coldest it got was -3C and maybe a little lower with the wind chill. Waterproof clothing is a must, not because of rain but because of the spray while on the zodiacs. It’s a good idea to take along some books as there is quite a bit of waiting time. If you get seasick, then motion sickness pills are also a good idea. Remember you are very far from any medical care so bring essential medicines.

You should try your best to go into the trip with the mindset that you will have to adapt to the weather conditions and Mother Nature is unpredictable. There is not point in getting mad or impatient (though some people spent a lot of energy complaining), because the company and crew are doing their best to get you safely on your way to an unforgettable voyage. The anticipation is great for whether your plane can take off... but when you are on the way it is an exhilarating feeling!

An alternate to the fly and cruise is cruising from Ushuaia, Argentina but be warned that the waters between there and Antarctica are very rough and it takes a lot longer to reach Antarctica.

The beautiful scenery was striking with blue-white icebergs and glaciers in all directions, pristine snowy mountains, penguins, seals, whales and an absence of most vegetation. We saw only one other boat with two people on it, and a few people at each research station, otherwise it was just our cruise ship of 130 passengers plus crew. There is peace and quiet, and being on deck early in the morning felt like an isolated encounter with grand nature all around.

The trip diary:

Our offical arrival day was 15th December though we were there a day early and I’d come straight from Torres del Paine.

15th December - Another day to explore Punta Arenas, the departure city for our Antarctic adventure with Quark Expeditions. We had to get our bags weighed by Quark adventures and pick up our heavy arctic parkas and waterproof boots. The parkas were bright yellow and very warm, and ours to keep! Our main activity of the day was a tour of the Austral Brewery, which was interesting, especially trying 7 different beers at the end. The La Patagonia brewery was started by a German man Jose Fischer and when he died it was passed to his son. His son committed suicide so then the family gave up the business and it was renamed Austral. All of the beers were quite good and I especially liked the Imperial lager and the Calafate ale, which was fruity.

We caught a Taxi to the hotel and arrived just in time for the 18h briefing meeting. We were briefed on the procedures like entering and exiting the zodiac rafts, timing and weather, and the Antarctic treaty and regulations. There were 4 cm of snow on the runway at King George island and the weather for the morning didn’t look favourable so our flight would be delayed. We were to check back after dinner for the timing update. We checked the update after dinner and it said we would have breakfast as normal, lunch at 11h30 check out at noon, depart at 12h30 and attempt to fly at 15h. The excitement and anticipation could be felt in the room and it was hard to sleep.

16th December - Woke up at 8h and got ready but we had some time until the update meeting at 10h, and only about half of the people turned up since they had already announced we would not leave before 15h. The staff announced that we would not be able to fly at 15h. A group that had been waiting for two days due to bad weather already had priority and one flight was in the air with a second planned for mid-afternoon. Normally there would be two planes but two of the three planes owned by the charter company clipped wings in the hangar and were damaged. One had damage to the wing and another to the structure so they were trying to repair the wing damage. Bad luck! A waiting game untl the next update scheduled for 15h.

While we were stuck waiting, Quark arranged meals and if people would be stuck overnight then they arrange accommodation. It must be a nightmare to handle the ever-changing logistics! Many people were complaining but...no one can predict the weather and it’s unfortunate that the planes clipped each other but it was out of our control.

We rested in the lobby since we no longer had rooms, and at 15h we went up to see the update. Good news is we were cleared for takeoff and group one would meet in the lobby at 17h45 for 18h30 departure to the airport. Our flight would depart at 21h and land on King George island at 23h. The second group would depart at 3h and land at 5h tomorrow morning so they will get to have a beautiful view but after a tough long wait into the night.

Excited to get to Antarctica even if it’s 12 hours later than planned! We were in the lobby and boarded coaches at 18h30 to the airport. A separate truck carried our luggage and we checked that in at Punta Arenas airport. We were on an Antarctic Air charter flight and departed around 21h15 so 15 minutes later than planned. We got a cold dinner of sandwiches, yoghurt, fruit cocktail and an alfajore (addictive biscuits/cookies filled with dulce de leche/caramel). The flight went quickly and everyone queued up to use the loo since they announced that there would be no loos until we reached the ship. We then had to get into waterproof pants and boots. It was difficult especially for the older people to have to bend in the small spaces. We landed by 23h30 and then walked 1.4km to the zodiac launch station. When we got out of the plane it reminded me of Iceland with rocks and snow. Beautiful! We couldn’t take photos because the landing strip is on a Chilean air base. We took a zodiac to the ship Ocean adventurer. We did a water entrance so the boots were useful. It was very calm water and no wind so the zodiac ride was peaceful. The oldest passenger on the boat was 97 years old and this was her bucket list trip- good inspiration to keep on living! We got into the boat via steep stairs and then checked in to our cabin 227 with two narrow twin beds, a starboard window, big double closet and a bathroom. Not so bad for an adventure cruise!

17th December - The second group arrived around 6h and the expedition lead Alison (Ali) announced that breakfast would be from 6h30 until 8h30 and then a mandatory meeting at 10h. We went back to sleep until 7h20. It felt a bit like camp with loudspeaker announcements. But it was much better than camp because looking out of the porthole at any time of the day promised stunning icy scenery in the 23 hours of daylight. We had a briefing and safety meeting at 10h and the expedition team introduced themselves. The ship Dr said the three most common problems are flu, bruises and seasickness. We are far away from any medical care so health insurance can be very expensive especially for the elderly....

We went back to our cabin and prepared for the abandon ship drill, a requirement. That went pretty quickly, though a few people went to the wrong place. The view of Greenwich island, part of the south Shetland islands, was beautiful. We passed a giant glacier and some penguins jumping out of the water on the side of the boat. The jumping is called porpoising - imagine mini dolphins jumping out of the water. Penguins are much more graceful and speedy in the water than on land. Amazing!

We went out on a cruise in the zodiac to see a giant iceberg and there were some penguins sitting on it and jumping off, gentoo and chinstrap penguins. The scenery was stunning with rocks, glaciers and the sea. Then we landed on the rocky beach of Point Fort and walked around to see penguins. One friendly chinstrap penguin, who the guide said they’ve named Charlie, came over to check us out. Many penguins were sitting on their nests as it was just a little early for the main hatching time. Ali the expedition leader introduced some of the staff specialists who gave short lectures on topics like whales and glaciers. Then she explained the upcoming weather conditions and plans for the next day. The plans are always changing depending on the weather and the ice, which can make some passages unpassable. The plan was to go through the Lemaire channel and get to Petermann island then visit Jougla and Goudier islands. We had dinner right after the presentations. I had antipasti salad, red snapper and ginger crème brûlée plus a scoop of coffee ice cream. The food is really delicious on board and we had not at all expected the gourmet dining and excellent service, so it felt like a real luxury.

18 December- We woke up at 6h30 and dressed warmly to go outside and look at the views of the Lemaire channel. It was a stunning clear day and we could see beautiful snow covered mountains and lots of ice. There were penguins swimming and jumping out of the water. We saw a fat weddell seal sunning itself on an iceberg. The captain broke through some ice and we made it partially through the channel but then the ice was too dense so we turned around and went back. Instead we went to Hidden bay for some zodiac cruising.Our driver Jens went very fast so it was fun but very cold! We heard the cracking of moving icebergs but didn’t see any calves. We got back to the ship and had a rest in the cabin until 15h. Sophie from the British antarctic heritage trust at Fort Lockroy came on board to give a short talk. There are 4 women in the team that stay here for 4 months from Nov til March. They run the British post office and museum there, and maintain the site. They have no running water so usually take showers and get fresh food from the passing ships. Tough life! We took the zodiac to Goudier island and visited Fort Lockroy museum and post office. The museum is a restored British research hut from the 1950s and still has canned food from back then including beans and Branston pickle! Our postcards were sent from the post office and it cost $1 to send one anywhere in the world. I walked to see more penguins but the snow was very deep so it was difficult. The lady there told us to try to fill in any deep holes because penguins can fall in to these post holes, get stuck and die. They make a lot of funny sounds, and they steal pebbles from each other’s nests. Very amusing to watch their natural behaviour. People on the cruise were very helpful in general and assisted the more elderly passengers since the zodiacs landed on rock, ice, or sand without any docks. We took a zodiac to the next island Jougla. It was a tough landing with a big step and slippery ice and rocks, then deep snow. It was quite a feeling of awe to make the first footprints in the fresh snow. I walked to see some old whale bones and penguins and cormorants on the rocks. The penguins use their little highways to go between rocks and to the water.

When we got back to the ship, it was time for the pre dinner cocktail with the captain. We got to see him and the main crew. They do an incredible job to take us to these remote places and navigate the ice. For dinner, I had seafood cioppino, prime rib with Yorkshire pudding and baked potato, and a beautiful French opera cake. Two of the expedition team sat with us. Jason from Arizona is a crevasse and ice expert. His job would be to scout the path for tomorrow’s walk to a viewpoint at Neko harbour. Acacia is the photographer and made the photo journal for the trip. She’s from Alaska, works the Arctic season too and spends free time often in Scandinavia. She must like the cold weather!

19 December- We woke up at 6h50 to get ready for breakfast at 7h30. The ship had already anchored in the bay for the landings on the Antarctic continent at Neko Harbour in Andword bay. Until then we had made landings in Antarctica but on various islands. The continent was the big bucket list goal for many of the people on the ship.

There was a rotation of group orders, although many people cheated and jumped on the first boat. My British training makes me follow the queue system out of a sense of duty! This time, we were luckily in the first group of zodiacs to the Neko Harbour Landing. We had to exit the zodiacs quickly because the glaciers can calve (break off into icebergs) and cause sudden waves. The scenery around was beautiful with mountains, glaciers, snow and icebergs. The snow was falling slowly. We took a photo with the Antarctic continental flag since it was our first time on the continent and not an Antarctic island. I took the steep path up the hill to the viewpoint and it was tough but worth it. The glaciers have lots of crevasses and a bright blue colour due to the light reflection. They’re also very active and pieces crack off/calve quite often. I was hot and sweaty by the top of the hill and took off my jacked to just (literally) chill out and enjoy the view until it was time to go down. The snow was deep and slushy. We took a zodiac cruise with Tom, the marine biologist. His specialty is whales and he spotted a minke whale and we saw it briefly breach then it went under never to be seen again. We then went to see a close-up of a Weddell seal and a penguin sitting together on an iceberg. Leopard seals are a penguin predator but Weddell seals are friends. It was fun riding and crunching over small icebergs in the zodiac. We went back to the ship and warmed up with some tea. Then it was time for lunch and the polar plunge. I watched a few people jump in but I decided that was one once in a lifetime opportunity that I could miss out on.

We passed via the Arera channel. We cruised with Cam in a zodiac for an hour and saw a seal, lots of gentoo penguins and a sailboat with an Austrian couple who came out to say hello. We chatted with them and they’d been sailing continuously for 8 years mainly with each other for company. They had just reached the Antarctic via the Drake passage a week ago. Impressive!

We saw a lot of huge glaciers and they were very blue and beautiful, and shaped by the movement of the water. Then it was our turn to visit Cuverville island. We landed and hopped from the water up onto the snow. I went up a small hill and the view of the penguins and icebergs was stunning! I could also see the sailboat. Then I walked the other way to see more penguin colonies. They’re so noisy and smelly, but also very cute! They have well established penguin highways from the water to their nests and some of them climb up a big hill. They have their nests high on the hills because that’s where the snow clears first. Sometimes the penguins decided to use our walkways and even laid on their bellies for awhile, so we had to wait until they moved since they always have the right of way. The day went by so quickly! Tom gave a short talk on seals then Acacia gave a short talk on photography. A passenger named Casey, who has been on the show Bachelorette, gave a talk about his project which was to travel to all 7 continents using commercial airlines in a world record time. He has a website 7 in 72 and has set the Guiness book of world records. He also applied for a drone permit and took some amazing drone footage especially the bird’s eye views of the areas. Ali gave us an update on the weather and plan for tomorrow which included Deception Bay, an active volcano, and a Polish research station on an island which has Adelie penguins.

We went straight outside for an outdoor BBQ dinner. It was cold but the scenery was stunning around us and the sun came out just then. There was so much food and mulled wine. I had a burger, salad, seafood skewer, rice, beans, corn on the cob, curry vegetables, chocolate brownie and bread and butter pudding. Each day is so full of amazement that it is tiring in a good way.

20 December- We woke up at 5h and it was tough to get up but we got dressed and went outside in the rain to see the narrow entrance (bellows) of Deception Island. It is an active volcano and we sailed into it to land at Whalers’ bay. We got out on the zodiacs around 7h30 and walked around the old whaling station. There are a lot of old decrepit buildings including a World War 2 hangar. The wind picked up quickly and the rain was icy. I was on one of the last two zodiacs and they packed it with 15 people (normally we had 10) to hurry back to the boat. The wind was blowing at 70 knots! We missed the landing ramp the first time and had to go back a second time. I was soaked and had to hang everything up. The boat was rocking a lot as we sped along to Arctowski station on king george island to see the Adelie penguins. Then at 11h we went to listen to Paola’s talk about penguins and other animals too. Antarctic toothfish are also known as Chilean sea bass. They are part of the food chain and are eaten by seals and fished (overfished) for humans.

Sometimes the penguins present gifts of stones and food to their partners. They also steal stones from each other’s nests. If a penguin partner doesn’t return with food then the other parent will have to abandon the egg to eat. Survival strategies in the harshest of climates. Intriguing facts!

We went back to the room briefly then went to the lounge to hear the disembarkation process. The airline uses the IFIS website for the weather and SCRM is the Chilean Air base on King George island. We planned to leave in the morning on the plane that brings the next passengers but it depends on cloud cover and the weather.

We landed at the black sand beach and disembarked at Arctowski Polish research station. We could see an Adelie penguin colony on the rocks and with the zoom and binoculars we could see a few penguin chicks. So cute, grey and fluffy! We also saw a lot of penguins on the beach and in the water. There were chinstrap and gentoo penguins around so all three species we had seen during this trip. We saw some whale bones which look very artistic with some of the only green algae visible in the mostly barren rocky areas.

We went back to the ship and the seas were very rough and rocking the boat a lot. It was difficult for people to walk. It was our last dinner on board and we had delicious food and excellent service as we had at every meal. The head of the service crew introduced everyone as they marched in to Despacito. Wow can’t believe it’s already the end of the Antarctic holiday adventure!

21 December- The alarm went off at 5h30 and it was very early! We got dressed and finished packing our checked in luggage. We had to put it outside by 6h. I picked up the China Great Wall station mobile signal briefly and a text came through but no WiFi until Punta Arenas. It was nice to be disconnected for a week. We had to get our carryons and move out of the cabins so we sat up in the main lounge with everyone else. At around 10h the first flight got called to board the zodiacs and go to shore. Then around 10h30 we got called to board the zodiacs and head to shore. Last zodiac ride was fun with Jens driving. We had to wait outside in the cold and wind for nearly 2 hours until we could board the plane and get in the air. As soon as the seatbelt sign went off everyone got up to use the toilets. Neither of the two toilets was flushing so that was kind of gross. The plane in general was a bit dirty cuz they do such quick turn around. We were just hoping that they actually checked maintenance enough.... The flight was only two hours so pretty quick. We got to Dreams Hotel in Punta Arenas and checked in then relaxed in the room until dinnertime with a nice seafood soup at Los Ganaderos.

22 December- We had a day in Punta Arenas as a buffer in case the flight back from Antarctica was delayed. We did some souvenir shopping and then I walked to see the cemetery and pick up some empanadas from Roca Mar for a midnight snack. We ate lunch at Le mercadito in the municipal market again.

23 December - We checked out around midnight and the Taxi came at 00h30 to drop us at Punta Arenas airport. When we went to drop luggage the lady asked if we wanted to take an earlier flight to Santiago at 1h26 so we said sure. We waited for awhile there then had another flight Lima and then finally on the way back to Los Angeles.

#antarctica #penguin #trip diary #glacier #iceberg #snow #nature

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twistofpayne · 6 years

Text

constant star - narry/lirry

Word count: 3k

Pairings: Narry with a lil bit of Lirry.

This heavily based on an O. Henry short story, and minorly based on my favorite Walt Whitman poem.

Niall is thirteen.

The dilapidated sedan crawls to a halt a quarter mile past the moor’s eastern gate. Bobby turns around in the driver’s seat, one hand braced against the headrest of the passenger seat, and nods once to each of them. “Meet me back here at 9 o’clock sharp, boys. Niall? Got your watch?”

Grinning with every inch of his mouth, Niall points to the wristwatch dangling from his left arm, just a little too big for his thin, preteen wrists. “9 o’clock!” he repeats.

“Good. And, Harry... don’t tell your mum I’m letting you boys do this.”

Niall can hear a snatch of Harry’s delirious giggle before they each open their doors and tumble out of the back seat.

Harry grabs his pack first from the car’s boot and hauls it to the ground. Niall can hear the tent poles clatter as it hits the ground with enough impact to send a pillow of dusty grit into the air. He squats to the ground and threads his hands through the straps, then tries to stand up. Instead of straightening up, he immediately keels forward, staggered by the top-heavy weight of the pack.

Niall bellows out a laugh and rushes to help Harry up. “Here,” he says as he grabs the top handle of the canvas pack and hefts upward with all his might. Harry follows his momentum and in half a second stands tall and earnest next to Niall, his triumphant grin threatening to outshine the sun.

“Now help me,” Niall says. He leaves his pack in the boot and rotates it so the straps face outward. He pulls them over his shoulders and leans forward while Harry pushes up. “There!” he says at last. They both turn to face Bobby.

“Got the sandwiches? And the torches?” Bobby asks. Niall nods. It’s the first time Bobby’s allowing them to go on their annual camping trip by themselves. He’s been doing this since he was five and his parents divorced, and brought Harry since he was eight. Besides, it’s only one night beneath the stars.

Just one night, he thinks later when he and Harry have rolled out their sleeping bags, close enough to the fire to feel its warmth but far enough that the sparks don’t threaten their nylon bags. He and Harry lie head-to-head on their backs, head cushioned by folded hands, staring upward at the astonishingly wide sky above them.

Niall could probably spend all night staring into the heavens. They’re lucky that the moor is secluded enough for even the Milky Way to be visible, a pearly ribbon of cerulean against the navy expanse. He knows all the summer constellations by heart. He points them out to Harry, who seems to forget each summer until Niall’s finger traces the celestial figures for him every trip.

“And that’s Draco, see? You can’t see that one if you’re in the city.”

He hears Harry tilt his head to follow the path of Niall’s index finger. “Which one’s your favourite?“

“Favourite?” Niall lets his arm drop to the side while he widens his eyes to drink in the night sky blanketing them. Then he points to the direction of six o’clock. “Bootes. Because it’s called Bootes.”

Harry chuckles at that, and the two fall silent. After a moment, Harry lifts his hand and points somewhere above him and to his left. “I have a favourite star. It’s that one.”

Niall cranes his neck to look where Harry’s pointing, but there’s no specific constellation in that part of the sky. Just an infinite pool of stars. “That bright one?” he asks, trying to follow Harry’s light of sight.

“Nah. Just below it, and to the left.”

Squinting, Niall studies the star, trying to understand what drew Harry’s attention. “Why?” he asks.

He feels, rather than sees, Harry shrug. “I just like it. I’ve decided to name it Francine.”

Niall stops craning his neck and cradles his hands back beneath his head. “You’re so fuckin’ weird sometimes, Haz.”

There’s a long silence that amplifies with its duration, and Niall wishes he could take it back. “Am I, Niall?”

Anyone else would have said those words sarcastically, but Harry’s tone is faint and earnest, befuddled. Niall knows this isn’t the first time Harry’s heard someone say that to him, but this time he actually takes it seriously. And the thought rises like bile in Niall’s throat. He doesn’t want Harry to change. He doesn’t want Harry to be any different.

“Yeah, but that’s why we’re friends,” Niall says forcefully. And he means it.

There’s another long silence, and Niall wonders if he should say something else to assuage Harry, but Harry is again the first to speak.

“I’ve decided my star isn’t a girl. His name is Liam,” he announces.

Niall is fifteen.

The sky isn’t as clear this time. They picked a spot too close to a village, and the Milky Way is invisible, but Draco and Hercules still watch over them as they pass a stolen bottle of whiskey back and forth. It scorches Niall’s throat and burns his eyes, but it’s theirs for the taking.

“Look, there he -- hic -- is,” Harry hiccups as he hands the bottle back to Niall. He points a shaky hand to the eastern sky. “Liam, just like last year.”

Niall takes a slosh and wipes his watering eyes before looking upward. “I swear you pick a new star every year,” he slurs.

“‘Course not,” Harry says. He eyes the bottle of whiskey and then shakes his head when Niall offers it to him. “No more.” He looks back up into the sky. “I told you he was my favourite. Not flashy. Burning away up there. Billions of miles away.”

“Whatever. Have you got any more Jaffa cakes? I’m starved.”

But after Harry swoons forward, sodden with whiskey, and Niall tucks him into his sleeping bag, he makes a note on his star chart.

And sure enough, the next year, Harry points out the same seemingly insignificant star.

Niall is eighteen.

It's the first time that Niall drives them instead of Bobby. He brings a pack of smokes that Harry won't touch, and a bottle of whiskey that they didn't have to steal this time.

"Greg's being a fuckin' twat," he spits out around the cig as the dusk draws around them.

Harry makes a noise between a harrumph and a grunt. "You don't need a brother when you've got Josh and Cal," he says. A pause. "And me."

Niall takes a drag on the cig, coughs, and tosses it aside. "These are shit," he says. "I shoulda listened to you."

He hears, rather than sees, Harry's satisfied smirk. "Thought I was a fuckin' weirdo."

"You are," Niall says. "Don't make me flick this cig at you."

They lapse into an easy silence while night falls. It's cloudy this time, not many stars except the few that manage to peek out at the horizon. Venus shines to the west and Niall fixes his gaze on it, like it's an anchor in a storm.

Harry takes a draught of the whiskey bottle and passes it to Niall. "Here, a vice I approve of."

"You're back on whiskey, then? Thought you gave it up after that camping trip three years ago."

Harry leans back to settle into his sleeping bag. "Ah, Niall, I've matured, see."

It's Niall's turn to harrumph, but he takes the whiskey and pours himself a healthy splash.

"Taylor didn't want me to come this year," Harry's voice floats up from below Niall.

He lets out a long, slow breath and shakes his head. "I know you like her, but shit, Harry--"

"We broke up."

"Oh." The silence fills Niall more than the liquor. "Shit."

"Yeah. 'Ts for the best."

Niall leans back to rest his head beside Harry's, their feet aiming in opposite directions. He lifts his shot glass. "To Taylor, then."

Harry lifts his hand to hold an invisible cup. "Nah. To Liam, wherever he's burning tonight."

Niall shakes his head, but can't wipe the smile from his face. "Fuckin' weird."

Niall is twenty-one.

"I got you a graduation gift for finishing uni," Harry says as they roll out their sleeping mats beside the fire. "You're gonna love it."

"Christ, if you got me another essential oil--"

"Ta-da!" Harry whips a bottle of Clynelish 12-year single malt scotch from his backpack. "Thought we'd go posh tonight."

Niall laughs. "Jesus, well, it's better than a kale smoothie." He dusts his knees off and sinks onto the top of his nylon bag. "I got you something, too." His voice nearly shakes with excitement. He hadn't told Harry that he'd snuck in an elective astronomy course at uni, though it had nothing to do with his International Affairs degree. He sits up and digs through his pack, looking for a folded manila envelope. He grins to himself as he pulls it from pack’s innards and smooths it against his lap before handing it to Harry.

“Oh wow, paper!” Harry says in mock enthusiasm. He switches on his headlamp (the red light, of course, so as to not ruin their star-gazing eyes to the light) and unsheathes a thick cardstock from the outer envelope.

Niall scoots closer to Harry, who bends his neck closer to the paper to read it. He points out a star map in the center of the page. “See? It’s Liam.”

Harry doesn’t answer. He continues staring at the page, glowing scarlet in the light of his headlamp, and Niall’s grin falters. “I adopted it,” he explains hurriedly. “You can adopt a star. Liam is 226K-421G, located at coordinates 18h 36m 56s and 38º 47' 01". I adopted it for you, Harry.”

In response, Harry slowly slides the sheaf back into the envelope and clicks off the headlamp. Niall stares at Harry in the sudden darkness, confused and slightly offended.

“Niall... thanks. But...” Harry trails off, then lifts his chin to stare back up into the sky, avoiding Niall’s gaze. “I don’t really want 226K-421G. I prefer Liam.”

“Okay,” Niall says numbly, mostly to fill the silence rather than indicate acknowledgment of Harry’s quiet refusal. Then, “I learned about it in my astronomy course. I calculated the coordinates myself.”

“That’s really cool, Nialler.” It’s a testament to their friendship that Niall knows Harry means it. He’s not one to say anything he doesn’t mean. “Uni-level astronomy, that must have been hard.”

“It was,” Niall says, once more leaning back to line on his sleepsack, trying to swallow his disappointment with another swill of whiskey. “I learned so much, though. Like, you’ve heard that the universe is expanding and every galaxy is zooming away from us every second?”

Harry, too, collapses back against his sleeping bag. “Yeah, Gemma told me that once.”

“Well, it’s not really like that. They’re not really moving away from us, so much as the space between us and them is getting bigger. And some day, the space between us is gonna be so big that we'll never see the light from them."

Harry falls silent. It’s only from the faint sound of his exhales does Niall know he’s not asleep. “You mean, one day there won’t be any starlight?”

“Yeah.” Niall nods, smiling lightly. “One day billions of years from now.”

“Well,” Harry says sharply, “that’s a perfectly terrifying thought. Thank you for gracing us with that.”

Niall laughs out loud. “Billions of years, mate. We won’t be here.” He tilts his head up to take another sip of whiskey.

They’re quiet for a few minutes, the only sound the occasional sips of liquor that they pass back and forth. “Imagine if there were still humans around then. On a starship. Chasing the last lights of the dying stars. Bit romantic, innit?”

Niall smiles through a swallow of beer. “Hmm. We didn’t touch on that in class.”

“Shame." Niall laces his fingers behind his head and refuses the dregs of the bottle from Harry, and they stare up in perfect silence at the stars.

The next morning, with both their heads heavy and slogged with last night's Clynelish, they set off on their day hike along a wide, unnamed stretch of river that feeds into the River Derwent. The air is cool and breezy by the rushing water, and Niall feels his energy restoring with each step, even with the heavy pack digging into his shoulders. Another mile and they'll find a spot to picnic, and then head back to the car park where they left his car. The day is as clear as last night was, and the sunshine splashes happily across the riverside trail.

But the good favour doesn't last. He hears Harry stumble before he hears the shout of alarm, but by the time Niall swings around to look behind him, he's too late to stop Harry from tumbling heel over head down the rocky bank into the water.

He doesn't panic - not yet anyway - the river isn't deep and he knows Harry can swim. But all the swimming prowess in the world couldn't get Harry out of the eddy that's caught his pack, pushing his head repeatedly under beneath the dead weight of the pack and unrelenting flow of the current rushing over rock.

"Shit," Niall swears and drops his pack at once. He scrambles down the bank, ignoring the sharp pain in his foot when he hits a rock at the wrong angle. Harry's head bobs in and out of the water and Niall can see his expression growing more and more stricken as his arms and legs try and fail to propel him into open water. Niall can see that his pack is caught on a submerged boulder, and the force of the water flowing over and around it prevents Harry from extricating himself from the tangle of straps.

He plows into the water at top speed and quickly decides that his best course of action is to get Harry's head above water so he can breathe. He wades through the current until he's just behind Harry and braces his feet as best as he can against the river bottom. He pivots and pushes his back against Harry's to incline the taller boy forward against the current. Harry's face breaks the surface and he splutters for air in terrified gasps. "My arm," he splinters out. "I can't get my arm out."

"Breathe first. I'll get to your pack in a sec," he says, hoping that keeping his voice even will calm Harry as much as he wishes it could calm himself.

After a few more seconds Harry shakes his head. "Just get me out of here."

"Okay. Hold your breath. Ready? One, two, THREE!" he releases Harry's weight and he goes down again, but this time he struggles less, saving his strength instead of fighting against the current. Niall wades as fast as he safely can to position himself upstream of Harry and his pack. He plunges his hands into the cold water and feels the tight canvas straps caught between two boulders. He scrabbles at them and feels the tension give as the straps slip free.

But in his haste he forgot to hold on to the pack. It tips forward with the flow of the current and Niall reaches up with a splash to stop it from falling onto Harry. He can't see Harry on the other side of the pack, and then all of a sudden the pack rips free from his grasp. What little calm Niall held onto vanishes when he sees Harry's plaid shirt drifting out towards the open water, straps still affixed to it. Harry's head bobs up and down again and Niall realizes something is very, very wrong. Harry must have given a giant tug the moment Niall loosed the pack, which toppled what little leverage Harry had and sent him careening into the open water with the dead weight of the bag dragging him down.

And now, Harry is out of reach. Niall screams out in panic, but the current is moving much faster than he can wade, faster than he can safely chase Harry without risking getting something caught as well. Harry's wet hair surfaces one last time before the river bends quickly around a steep embankment. Niall flouders out of the water on the opposite bank and runs flat out, all pain in his ankle forgotten.

He reaches the bend in the river and rushes down towards the water's edge, hoping Harry has washed up on the opposite bank by the force of the current. But Harry isn't there. He whirls to scan the depths of the river, and he sees movement from the corner of his eye and his heart nearly stops.

It's a man--two men actually, one cradling the other and kneeling on a sandy beach not ten yards from Niall's position. He nearly falls over himself as he stumbles forward and recognizes Harry's soaking wet tartan shirt.

He reaches the pair when the prostrate one, Harry, coughs up a lungful of river water and gasps almost hysterically for breath. The other man looks up at the noise of Niall's approach. "This your friend?" he asks.

Harry is hanging onto the stranger's tattooed arms for dear life, as if the man himself is a flotation device, soaking his clothes completely through. "Th-thanks," he chokes out.

Niall is almost speechless. "How did you-- where did you come from?"

"I come here sometime with my dad," the stranger explains with a polite smile, as if rescuing drowning campers is an everyday occurrence. "We like to fish. We don't usually catch people."

"Holy shit. Thank you," Niall says. He sinks to his knees to reach Harry, to touch him, as if he can't quite believe his own eyes, that the terror of the last few minutes has vanished with the sudden appearance of this gently smiling man. "Holy shit," he repeats, at a loss for any thought more complex than pure, unmitigated relief. "Thank you, Mr.--"

The man laughs and his eyes crinkle with the breadth of his smile. "Please, call me Liam."

#narry #lirry #liam payne #niall horan #harry styles #harry styles fic #one direction #1d #lirry drabble #narry drabble #narry ficlet #lirry ficlet

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stupidpianist · 6 years

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11 october 2018

12:38: Somehow egregiously slept thru my alarm… When I went to bed I was like, “okay, you need to break this terrible habit of setting ten-to-fifteen alarms, just set one, just set one and then you’re going to get up.” Must have turned off the alarm when still half-asleep, completely missed my 08:30 lecture… Seems “hellish” that this could have happened, I really can’t believe it… Gonna “take steps” to make sure this “never happens again,” maybe via reverting back to setting more than one alarm, maybe just three? Three sounds like a good number of alarms, right?

Folks sorry for ending the liveblog early yesterday night; went to go hang out with Jasleen and Jeremy and wanted to not “invade the sanctity of human interaction,” wanted to not “infringe on the privacy of others.”

Got back home not too late, went to bed by, like, one am?? Must have slept like eleven hours?! ELEVEN???? What the heck, I guess I was, like, I must have actually been as sleep deprived as I thought…

First thoughts on waking: wow I feel well rested, feeling “good” about today, “looking forward” to meeting with volunteer piano organization this evening. These meetings have quickly become “the highlight of my week” since they started a month ago; something about it, the “communal” nature of it? The “collaborative” nature of it?? Feels good to be with a group of individuals committed to “singular, socially beneficial” goal.

Stayed in bed for a bit reading up on the latest technology news, Razer has a new phone? Looks pretty good, I think, feel like I have a pretty good “track record” of “knowing what the people want” re: consumer electronics, feel confident this new phone won’t sell well comparative to Apple, Samsung, even the new Google phone, but feel equally confident it’s “setting a precedent.” Tune in tomorrow for more “tech predictions with George.”

12:55: “Hopped into” the shower, played aggressive metalcore music while “scrubbing.” Brushed teeth, remembering guiltily how I actively decided not to floss last night. Gonna have to start doing this, “before it’s too late”...

13:11: Made G Fuel energy shake. Feels like this is really starting to become “a part of the morning routine.” Reminded once again of how miraculously good this stuff tastes, seems insane comparative to other energy-based drinks?? Especially without sugar, how did they, how did they do this?

13:38: Gotta get out of this apartment. Such a late start to the day, wasted eight hours I could have been conscious just sleeping. Remembering a dream last night of an actually-non-existent family member visiting our family? Not many details, other than visiting a shoe store with them. Seems innocuous, maybe? Going to try not to read too deeply into this one, folks.

Walking from apartment to Marvin Duchow music library. Gonna get down these first few thoughts of the day before practicing piano. Okay, okay, here’s the docket for the day, people:

-Record first bit of today’s liveblog

-Go practice, can fit in a good four-hour chunk before class

-“Human Cognition and the Brain” lecture at 16h

-Record more of liveblog in thirty-minute break before focus group

-Focus group for indie game development at 18h

-Study for thirty-minute break in McLennan library before piano organization meeting

-19h30: piano organization meeting in basement of McLennan

Might try to practice for longer after the meeting is over? Unsure about this—meeting could run until 21:00, which really isn’t that late. I’m just thinking lazily, this is the George that just wants to go home after the meeting and stare at things on the internet until it’s time for bed.

Picturing a Nicolas Cage going, “I’m feeling real good today,” while throwing mock-punches at the air like in the movie Joe. Feeling “pretty good today,” I think.

13:52: Sitting in Marvin Duchow library workstation, second floor, away from windows, near the end of the floor, my favourite, default, go-to workstation in this library, recording these liveblog thoughts. Ghost still playing through headphones. Tapping my foot a little to the beat.

14:05: Heading to the practice rooms, thinking, “five minutes behind schedule, five… minutes…”

Recently have been “getting into” the band Ghost to a significant degree, obsessively Googling and reading everything I can about them. Thnking about this while practicing, specifically that the band leader, now called "Cardinal Copia" (after previous iterations “Papa Emeritus” I, II, and III), seems to have a strangely positive influence on piano playing?? Something about his commitment to the character, his physically reserved but somehow still ostentatious presence, the musicality, some combination of it all... Makes me “motivated” to “get better” at piano in ways that, previously, few figures have (Glenn Gould, Alex Beyer, both pianists, and other bands like Swans and Liturgy, I think, are the only others that make me feel this “determined.”)

I feel like this has taken a really strange tangent, not sure where I'm going with this. Urging all of you to check out Ghost. Very good, positive, A++, 10/10, “great seller, would buy from again” rating.

14:41: Practice session cut short!! For good reason!! Please believe me!! I guess this just solidifies that I need to go back to the practice rooms after the piano meeting tonight, doesn't it... Sort of “dreading” doing that, feel like I would “much rather” go back home to apartment, but I suppose most things in life are things that you wouldn't “rather do,” just things that “need to get done.” Strongly convinced that my life would be in a drastically different place if I just didn’t have such an issue with doing things I find displeasing to do, like, most people do that all day every day, I’m not special… Should have forced myself to do more of those things. Unsure if life would be in a “better” position, though, just—different. It’ll be okay, maybe.

Getting lunch with [redacted]. Had planned on doing this yesterday, somehow didn’t factor it into my schedule today. Went to the dining hall in Royal Victoria College residence to get orange juice, which [redacted] was “fiending for,” I feel. Ended up getting cranberry juice and a purple smoothie.

I haven’t been in any of the dining halls in any of the residence halls on campus in so long. It’s giving me memories of being in first year, sitting in the RVC caf with Poppy and Max and Felix, eating semi-palatable food after our piano seminar course. I miss those evenings. This feels distinctly like one of those “reminiscing on your youth” moments.

14:54: [Redacted] and I sitting in "the usual place," a secluded-but-comfy bench, or, like, couch-like thing without a backside near one of the exits to the music building. [Redacted] eating this massive, unwieldy, soggy schnitzel-and-bacon-and-tomato-and-lettuce sandwich they brought. I’m not eating anything, saving room instead for the free food which is promised at the indie game focus group. [Redacted]’s sandwich appears too big, almost nightmarishly so, for almost anyone to comfortably eat.

Feels good to be able to speak openly about all things with someone, ceaselessly, without breaks in conversation, for long periods of time, free from anxiety or stress of having to “make conversation.” Extremely grateful I have people around me, in my life, right now, that I can speak to in this manner.

15:46: Finished “lunch and talk” with friend, walking to class now. Strange sensation of the day “already being over” passing over me, in a similar way to how Tao Lin once described it in a bit of his writing. Feel a strange bit of hopelessness that I havevn't gotten as much accomplished today as I should have.

Gonna have to "make the most" of the rest of the day, yeah, that's going to offset things!! Have to really "put the pedal to the metal," especially because of the obligations of the focus group, and the piano meeting. There's still enough time to get things done, yeah, yes. Feeling good about this.

16:07: Actually taking some “goodass” notes, I think, for this human cognition class. It’s heavily focused on neuroanatomy, too, and I’m actually quite worried about the midterm, which I have not studied for to such a significant extent that, I’m sure, if I even started now, studying, like, a few hours a day, I couldn’t even make it comfortably through everything I should know.

The prof f or this class is this animated person with an amazing accent from some European country. I, to be honest, don’t know his name, but I’m gonna look it up and get back to you so we know where he’s from, maybe… He’s, like, charismatic, to the same degree as band leaders. Today we’re talking about visual agnosias. I don’t know why I skipped this class so much earlier in the semester, it’s both entertaining and engaging in such a way that I’d probably watch these lectures if they were on YouTube “strictly for fun,” passively internalizing the content of each lecture whilst just more enjoying the prof’s presence. He just tried to draw a rat on the board and completely failed:

Notes taken while in class:

-Let’s see what I don’t know today, let’s see what I need to “catch up on”

-I like this prof’s laugh

-Feel like my memory has acutely improved since three days ago

-I feel so involved

-I still feel so involved haha

-Grinning wildly

17:15: Class let out a bit early. Walking to McLennan to update liveblog before focus group. Gonna do some research on indie games too just to “freshen up” my knowledge a bit. Want to be as helpful as possible to these “burgeoning,” “fledgling” indie game developers.

17:45: Dancing a bit too aggressively while seated in library, I feel, while typing this. Feeling a slight uptick of emotion, though.

17:57: Observed shorter-than-average person dancing a little while on sidewalk; they swung their arms parallel to the ground around their body a few times and did a little hop. I like when people express themselves physically in public, especially when it’s positive, or, at least, I’m assuming this was a positive expression. Do people do swing-ey dances when they’re sad? I guess they do sometimes??

Feeling excited to “give my opinion,” feel like I have “a lot to offer.”

18:00: Walking quickly around third floor of Bronfman building, thinking, “where is it, I should have found it by now, seems insane I haven’t… found the room by now…” Retraced steps and entered large study room, flanked on either side by smaller studying pods. Found room for focus group.

18:06: Seated in room for focus group. Four other guys and me. Three women as the focus group leaders. In the table in the middle of the room: two large Dominos pizza boxes, one veggie and one pepperoni. Ate one vegetable slice and one pepperoni slice in quick succession after observing that everyone was already on their second slice. Thinking, “don’t be belligerent, be helpful, don’t be annoying, be gregarious.”

One focus group participant, directly to my left, seems the extreme minority of video game players. Never has purchased a game via the internet, never plays PC games, never goes online to purchase games either, still visits brick-and-mortar shops. Favourite game: Mario Kart. Nice.

Felt consistently high levels of concentration and genuine concern over attempting to answer focus group questions as accurately and concisely as possible. Dynamics of strangers always interests me, it’s like, we got “lucky” that all of us seem to, ostensibly, get along extremely well extremely quickly, piggie-backing or defending our ideas without any hostility. Seems like we’re all more-or-less “on the same page,” actually.

Brought up videogamedunkey to unanimous laughter and approval from group. Question was, like, “which YouTube video game influencers do you trust?” and I was like, “just get Dunkey to play your game,” to which everyone nodded their heads vigorously, or said, out loud, “yeah.” Grinned uncontrollably for ten-to-fifteen seconds.

Focus group appears to universally be unimpressed with the game we are discussing… Seems like we’re all “putting it down” as “generic,” “not interesting-seeming,” and “not well marketed.” Seems bleak, maybe.

Participant in the far right corner to me seems to be the most charismatic of us all, says the least, but is extremely well spoken when he contributes something. Has tattoo of the Nintendo 64 game controller on his left bicep. I like him.

19:16: Meeting over. Ate final veggie slice of pizza when nobody else wanted to take it. Walking back to McLennan library now for piano organization meeting, feeling extremely trancelike re: fog. It’s so thick that every skyscraper is half-obscured. Feels like an extreme dream state, or something out of a movie.

Realizing disgruntledly that I didn’t factor in time for a run today. Making mental note that I’ll have to “put my ass in fourth gear” tomorrow and do it. Running seems to be the one activity that universally puts me in a better mood after I do it, without fail, every single time that I do it. Thinking, “100% success rate” in the voice of someone starring in a commercial.

19:41: Piano organization meeting started. Missing two group members, both of whom I’m “really fond of.” One of them seems like one of the most genuinely kind people I’ve ever met, and someone who is continually attempting to improve on how “good of a human” he is. Miss his “cheeky grin.”

20:26: Meeting surprisingly already over… This has been the shortest piano organization meeting all year, somehow. Making hard mental decision to “give up” on practicing for the day, feeling semi-defeated, but in a better mood than a few hours ago. Gonna blast ZillaKami while walking home. Repeating the phrase, “new day new me” and “tomorrow is a fresh start” while walking to the beat.

20:44: At B&Y 24-hour grocery store right next to my apartment. Standing in front of beer cooler thinking, “do it, get a Sapporo, don’t get a Pabst, who cares, you can afford to spend an extra fifty cents, go nuts.” Opened fridge, grasped 650mL Sapporo can, closed fridge, walked to register, paid.

20:52: Finally home. Feeling like Ryan Gosling in Blade Runner 2049 when he goes back to his apartment for the first time and is like, “I need a drink” to Joi, who’s like, “It was a day, huh?”

21:16: Observed while browsing YouTube subscriptions page the new “Beer Me” beer review video is up. Have been following this channel for years now, one of the few channels to consistently make me feel extreme, uncontrollable levels of excitement for each upload. It’s two dudes from Vancouver who are goofy as hell, Trevor and Dave, who drink a six-pack each of a beer over the course of an hour whilst rating them on appearance, taste, smoothness, downability (how easy they are to chug in one go), reliability. They seem like a little more than borderline alcoholics, and have the funniest observations and ways of describing things. Have wanted to “hang out” with them for the longest time. Feel like they’d make good friends. Strongly feel that they’d make good friends. STRONGLY.

#liveblog #blog #writing

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readfelice-blog · 6 years

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moominland chronicles fünfzehn: felice vs the german health care system

Hello you,

It’s 4am on Friday morning, I’m lying in bed with one of my 3 flowered ikea lamps burning away, holding my cuddly pig tight to my chest whilst I tap out this blog on my iphone, balanced on a pillow.

I cant sleep.

I’m going to get a taxi to hospital in 5 hours.

Before we start all that please administer any of the below music to yourself as an accompaniment, I’ve been dipping my toes into the clear water of pop shoals this week, I might be the last person to have listened to blond (an article in vice insisted upon me lining it up on my google play - still no cd player, I know):

Frank ocean

Nikes (song, always a fan of a big opener on an album)

https://vimeo.com/179791907?ref=em-share

Blond (album, yes you've probably heard it already)

https://www.discogs.com/Frank-Ocean-Blond/master/1046042

I'm also late on the train for Mitski I’m sure, but the words, restrain in her voice and divergent harmonies (discordant, is that better?) are searing through me, might listen again in the hospital tomorrow.

Though perhaps as she grows older she wont long for that kiss quite as much as she does now, because prince charming will never save her really (though she does acknowledge that from time to time on this album)

Mitski

A horse named cold air (song)

https://youtu.be/ce3m-o1pZqY

Be the cowboy (Album)

https://mitski.bandcamp.com/album/be-the-cowboy

And just this one song, which kind of speaks frankly from my heart a little, or at least I sympathise with, though in a fuller sense my situation is very different and it’s only my little brain that identifies with the lyrics.

SZA: the weekend

https://youtu.be/PALMMqZLAQk

So then.. youre suited and booted musically, lets press on shall we? After all I mentioned hospital, it would be cruel just to taper off now.

Heres my small brain again:

Fuck the fucking german health system, fuck all those uptight bigoted cunts that put the phone down on me this week, fuck my insurance for charging me since july and slyly adding it to my bill, fuck the man at the tk queue yesterday who aggressively shouted at me for talking on the phone with my sister, about my illness, at the first opportunity that day after a very strange experience with the gynaecologist.

Ok,

I’m breathing, my small brain is retracting, lets continue a bit less aggressively now.

Health health health, we’re jumping back on the theme from last week, because sometimes illness doesn't go away, and as this blog is my warts and all document of the weird happenings of my life, I am going to be very very open about whats happening to me this week.

So I’m bleeding, like all pre menopausal women do who dont take contraception that inhibits it, thats what was happening in Paris, thats what has been happening for 3 weeks.

I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes.

I had really bad period pains last time round, which is unusual for me these days, I took buscopan plus, i soldiered on, then it stopped for a week, then it returned, light some days, heavier seemingly at the weekends. I pigheadedly pushed through physically exhausting weeks of cleaning, travelling, working, I’m a freelance cleaner, I don't get sick pay or holiday pay, I have to work or I can't pay rent.

I wrote a blog about it last weekend. But that was just before the blood clots starting coming, when the first one fell out it plopped in the toilet, I was so shocked I fished it out and curiously studied it (warts and all, I’m sick of skirting the weirdness in my life: its there: get used to it). I thought it was a dead baby, it was monstrous and displayed a horrid kind of plasticity as it eerily shifted round the jar in my hand I was gently coercing. It was an alien, more like rosemary's baby than my cherub cheeked nephew.

That was MONDAY.

I thought, ok the babies fallen out, now it’ll surely stop.

On sunday the bear got in touch, he'd been trying to phone, he was annoyed he couldn't get in contact, he was horny. I told him I was still bleeding, he insisted I go to the doctors, in his very forthright way, he sent me money to go even: because i was clueless about my insurance at that point. I knew i’d been getting letters I couldn't read from tk (die teckniker, german health insurance provider) for months, since I stopped working at the hostel, but I’d just carefully ignored them.

I didn't have the money to pay for health insurance.

I botched my first attempt to see a gynaecologist, I made an appointment online but the transfer the bear made was not in my bank so he asked me to phone them and check payment methods. When I did the receptionist point blank refused to speak English to me, my quandary was simply, “Do I need cash today?” But she was haughty and unsympathetic, another colleague took the phone, who even through garbled understanding felt kinder but it soon transpired that my appointment was for November 1st not October 1st.

“Im very ill i dont think I can wait that long.”

I phoned Meoclinic to be told by a woman with razors in her voice who suddenly became sickeningly sweet after she’d told me it was €400 just to see someone. I felt like the pleasure she was deriving from me tripping over my words and despairingly saying that was to much money for me, was enough for her to take home and masturbate over later, in her silky agent provocateur corset, on silk sheets, with a flute of champagne on the bedside table.

I gave up for the day and decided that tomorrow I’d go to the doctors I went to for my sti test a few months ago, they were very nice. They spoke english, they had open appointments the next day at 18h.

TUESDAY

More clots started coming, big, gloopy, just pouring out of me, they were announced by a tirade of blood, I was soaking through organic pads at an alarming rate.

So that wasn't the baby on Monday then.

I went to clean first, I cant afford to not clean for reasons stated above, at an office where the woman who employs me talks to me through gritted teeth as if our every interaction is painful to her.

Lowly pauper girl, know your place.

Anyway due to logistical issues she had probably not envisaged, I didn't do the whole job and left early. I walked out on to the money lined streets of Uhlandstrasse, Cara Delevine’s svelte androgynous eyes staring out at me from various glass paned monoliths, and sat on a moth eaten bench, very upset from the shift, feeling utterly worthless, responsible and at fault, bleeding.

Then I had a cigarette, collected myself and went to tk: Round 1.

I waited, gushing out blood, in line for 25 minutes to see the receptionist, then a further 10/15 to see the sales girl. I dont have to pay them straight away but when november comes I will have to pay them 720+€ , plus from then on 180€ a month, from an average wage of 800€.

In retrospect I was probably fully within my right to protest starting the contract from July 1st, but I was so grateful for someone health related to be talking to me in English and perhaps it will stand in my favour now the hospital bills will be tallying up.

I left with no card or proof of insurance.

I went home, lay down, then showered, laced my trainers and went back into the world depleted, to Mehringdam to see the emergency doctors, it was raining heavily outside.

They were different this time, I had no proof of insurance but I had the bears money so I was paying cash, I waited dutifully and wrote in my diary.

It was a different female doctor, a more boxy and less vital woman than the previous medic I’d met at the same clinic. About halfway into my bloody tale of woe she stopped me panic stricken.

“You know this is a doctors surgery, you have to go to a gynaecologist.”

“Ok, so you cant help me.” - i start putting my coat back on.

A pause.

“Can you at least refer me to one? I’ve had a hard time trying to find a gynaecologist, I can't really speak German, people have been very rude to me so far, I came back here because I remember people were kind and tried to help me, even though I wasn't sure it was the right place.”

We go out to reception where I stand in front of 2 receptionists who speak in German and totally ignore me, the doctor hands me some measly bits of paper with contact details printed on them and hurries away. Shaken from my bloody tale of woe I imagine she just sits in her office for 10 minutes alone obsessively sterilising her hands and shuddering.

I continue to look at the 2 women in front of me who carry on as if I am invisible for a further 5 minutes, I tell them I’m going to the toilet and then coming back, they brush me off. More blood pours out of me. I return and finally they allow me to pay them, I plod back out into the rain and miserably wait for a bus, head home via the shops and climb back into bed.

WEDNESDAY

Is a national holiday, so I can't sort anything, my client offers me the day off, I take it. I make 9 drawings for my project, bounce the rough edit of the album I’m working on, pull myself to the dance studio I’ve started to rent to practise my live show. Have a long overdue singsong, though I can't really dance i can still sing.

Sunday edit: I’ve since missed 2 bookings at the studio because of this infernal bleeding, hope I can go back soon, it was utterly riveting to finally find a place I could sing as loudly as I wanted.

It's a glorious day even though blood still rains, I’m not cleaning, I’m doing what i really want to do.

THURSDAY

I need to be at my clients early, but I go via the apotheke on the way, there a pharmacist advises me on the best way to take iron and vitamin supplements, sells me ibuprofen and alerts me to the gynaecologist upstairs, but she’s only open till 13h, my job is supposed to finish at that time.

I hum and haa as I hobble to my clients and when I get there decide to finish the job early and see if I can get an appointment.

On the way into the building there's a system of doors, I enter alongside an elderly gentleman with a walking stick and we have quite the time not understanding each other, me holding doors for him, him very jovially propping them open with his stick. I have no idea what’s being said but something tender and wonderful is occurring between us that puts a lightness back in my step.

This reception is slick and clean, the receptionist is neat and elegant. But the doctor isn’t there. They wouldn’t accept my tk insurance anyway, they’re going on holiday till November.

Ok,

I leave and just flop down on the street outside, I’m supposed to be doing a double clean today but I have a 2 hour window before my next job, which is only a 15 minute walk away. I’m getting closer to seeing someone. Still crouched down on the street, still bleeding, I dig out the contacts handed to me, one is for a doctors I’ve called before. I call 2 numbers from the 4 sheets I have, both go through to hard voiced women who utterly refuse to attempt to speak English to me and relish the goodbyes they bestow before they coldly put the phone down. To the second one I say in English:

“I’m really sick, but if I don’t speak German I am just going to continue to be sick, is that what you’re telling me?”

I found a list on google, theres a male gynaecologist just up the road, a man rummaging in my lady bits is a bit disconcerting but truly I’m beyond pride now.

This reception is more modest, I place my cleaning bucket on the floor and then just start with

“I’m losing a lot of blood, can you please help me.”

He’s in.

These receptionists are gorgeous humans, they speak to me in broken English, they’re shocked I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes he will see me, please take a seat.

He’s a big warm man with no sexual energy, I tell him everything, I feel so grateful just to be able to see him that I’m bowing as I say thank you. I get sent to a little room, remove my trousers and knickers, get let into another room, climb on the chair, he inserts the spy camera dildo (ultrasound) device inside me, then on the screen we look at a ball like thing inside my womb.

Hes glowing when he tells me its probably a very early pregnancy, he’s so excited, though it’ll most likely be a miscarriage, but he paints a future where my little fetus determinedly survives the bloodletting and in 9 months time arrives in my life.

I cover everything in blood, which freaks him out.

“You’re really bleeding a lot.”

He gives me the ultrasound photo, then after some confusion I go to the nurses and deposit a urine sample on the counter of another room.

“Thank you so much for seeing me.”

“Of course: you have been bleeding for 3 weeks.”

As I wait in the reception for the test results a new future, inconceivable before this point, rolls out before me, where I have the baby and take the government stipend to look after it as a single mother, I thought I didn’t want kids but something seems so precious about this vision. It’ll just be me and my little ball of love, together in some warm cosy flat in Prenzlauer Berg, surrounded by all the other Berlin mothers.

The test is negative, a jolt of dismay passes through me, the vision is shattered, I have to go to the hospital he says. They give me the bill, without proof of insurance I pay in cash, thanking the bear silently. He also tells me to go to my insurance and get a letter, because the hospital will really cost a lot.

So I go home, breathe and collect myself, go back out. Spend over an hour wandering around looking for a photo kiosk for my insurance card (not blind> I’m using google maps to try locate one), finally I find it nestled into a dark part of the s bahn station, it costs double what the machine costs but I just eat the charge, earlier I’d spend 30 minutes wandering around the crossroads outside Leopaldplatz: the fotofix on the map was apparently invisible, I need a picture. I then wait for another 30 minutes to have my photo taken.

When I get to the u bahn where tk is there is a fotofix booth right there, to my left as I walk out of the station, I really hold myself back from screaming and kicking over all the chairs arranged outside the cafe before me. I finally manage to call my sister and it's a glorious funny loving chat, cut short by the aforementioned man in the tk queue.

I tell him in english which he insists he doesn't understand, that I am having the day from hell and that was the first time I’ve managed to speak to that person, he abuses me again in German but then stands very far away from me, the shame weaving around him, I curse him, but its a little thing, just that I hope he gets eaten by spider babies.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.

I retrieve my letter from the receptionist, the same sales woman I spoke to on Tuesday who doesn’t recognise me at all.

It’s getting late in the day, I call back my sister and head to Charite Campus Mitte, as I get there it dawns on me this is where I was an extra on an art video shoot around 3 weeks ago.

There is no discernable entrance, it seems mostly deserted. I travel up in a lift towards the gynakolgie department, but when I exit the skybent box that is my vehicle there is no clear signage towards it, just a door to an emergency exit staircase, wind billowing behind it, with a note in fluoro yellow fixed on its metallic facade and a bridge / corridor leading to empty waiting rooms.

I give up, decide I’ll go to the address given to me by the doctors tomorrow. I’ll go home and sleep now.

Home, I eat then I crash, I get into bed at 19h, I’m still here its now 6am and I’ll try sleep a bit more before I get a taxi at 9am.

I’m scared

It’s like some sick version of the night before christmas, black humour and absurdity have been welcome companions but armour fades in bed, so writing this in the knowledge I will share it with the online community has been the only thing I can do to douse the fear.

I’ll probably have to beg receptionists later but I just hope I get to someone who can start to mend me, because the blood is still coming, for the first time since it started it stained my sheets last night but I’ve wiped them down a little.

Sunday edit: the sheets are now in the wash.

Saturday edit: they did see me, I’m having an operation on monday at 9:30, the saga continues because I have to rush back to the gynaecologists first on monday to get a note so I can be operated on : as by the time I got out of hospital on friday the gynaecologists surgery was closed and nothing is open on the weekends.

And on the anaesthetists form where it asked me who would be collecting me or looking after me for 24 hours after the procedure I stubbornly wrote noone. Though my mentor will be around as I swallowed my pride and asked her.

And, of course, I just expect more bullshit: that was my dads very astute advice:

“Expect more bullshit Felice.”

So then, yes I should speak German, yes I should of sorted my insurance, yes I’ve been irresponsible.

Saturday edit: I’ve been utterly irresponsible and disrespectful to the country I live in, I MUST learn German and make more of an effort to learn their culture, right now I’m truly an idiot abroad.

I might cancel all my jobs next week as well if I’m really sick, I might not be able to go to Krakow and watch Eartheater,

Saturday edit: All my jobs are cancelled, one of the days next week is my birthday, which I’d scheduled a double clean on so perhaps it’s not all bad.

But I’m not going to see Eartheater, if you’ve heard irisiri though ( LISTEN TO IT, I IMPLORE YOU, MORE THAN ONCE, on the first listen it’s quite harsh: https://alexdrewchin.bandcamp.com/releases) then you’ll immediately understand that not going to her show because I’m having my uterus forcibly wedged open and something cut out of it, is utterly appropriate, it’s like missing formula one because you got hit by a ferrari.

I hope I’ll be better by turin.

Saturday edit: very much.

I will still finish this project whatever happens.

Saturday edit: Now I have a week off it should help.

But I’m not 100% sure how I will make ends meet this month.

Saturday edit: Perhaps the polyp they cut out of me on monday is really an alien and I get paid hush money not to leak the story to the press.

I really miss the nhs, its a big soft Pugsy bear I just want to hug and hold and thank for everything it’s done for me over the years.

The german health system is an amalgamation of all these callous female receptionists, ignoring you and filing their niles whilst you just bleed out in front of them.

But still, I’m stubborn, its a test and i will overcome it whatever it is. I am not leaving berlin, I am standing taller, stronger and more powerful than before. I’ve experienced completely new angles and feelings this week, it’s been abhorrent but kind of sickly enjoyable as well. Life is always entertaining as it energetically throws its bounty of strangeness, cruelty and beauty (etc) at you.

It’s all good fun, even the dark days.

I’m going to try get a bit of shut eye now, might move my alarm back a little see if I can get 2 hours before i wake up to get a taxi.

Take care everyone, if you made it to the end then I guess thank you for reading as well, it’s a long fraught one this week eh?

#die teckniker #german healthcare #idiot abroad #self growth

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