#i have constant tinnitus too lol

[lavender-town-radio]

i actually also might be partially deaf in one ear. i just have much more pressing health issues I need to deal with first so i cant get it chekced yet. unfortunately for me i went fully deaf in that ear for several years in the past so i have past evidence to support my current suspicion.

[seokshinedk]

Well it looks like I’ll need to see an audiologist after all..perhaps i jinxed myself when I said I wanted to see what my own audiogram would look like lol

[abnomi]

random assorted headcanons for Turbo because I like thinking and having fun !!!! 🎉

Read More to Find Out...or are you too scared?... i bet ur too scared ahaha youre too scared Lol! Hahaahaaa!!!

The steering wheel of his kart is covered in bite marks, similar to how one would bite their favorite pencil. he bites things to mark his territory because Nobody is gonna touch that unless they want all of his diseases (150+).

i just know he was fighting to restrain himself not to chew on any of the candy civilians

when it comes to music, he doesn't see the point of listening to it. he doesn't have enough patience to really take it in; to him, it's just a thing that exists and not much more than that ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ ∵⁠ )⁠_⁠/⁠¯

adding onto that point, this guy listens to metal clanking sounds and loud engine roaring for entertainment because he likes things that would overstimulate any normal person. turbo is incredibly sensory-seeking and will do anything for The Sensations

someone should take him to a heavy rock concert i think it would change him a little. keep that thang on a leash

related to being sensory-seeking, i think he would absolutely love running his hands over random textures. if anyone has run their hands along a wall while walking alongside it...He does that...If u know u know... he is SO stimmy its unbelievable. Unreal.

very pain-tolerant. he'll whine and complain about it for attention, but physical hurt really doesnt bother him much until it gets in the way of what he wants to do.

funnily enough, he is very picky when it comes to temperature. he can handle getting ran over but if its 1° too hot or cold he'll start nagging and nagging for it to go back to normal. turbo really needs his own enclosure i think it'd do him a lot of good

this is a more popular headcanon and its canon-leaning, but he's an artist :-] he usually sticks to graffiti art because its generally considered more "rebellious and cool" but he also sketches cars, design decals, and other stuff when hes alone!

i would love to see his process of character designing king candy because i dont think he really knew what he was doing

he was just like "ok what does a generic king look like. uhhhhh.... 1, old and jolly like santa claus.... 2.... uhh crown..... 3......... purple.... FUCK YEAH im so good at this!!!!🔥🔥🔥"

i just noticed how his design has like 0 actual candy motifs aside from his bow being a candy wrapper and his shoes having those little gumdrop end pieces. what was he THINKING

while King Candy has a lisp, i think it's a coverup for his actual voice because of how goofy and recognizable it is. Overall its the same as his regular voice, he just gets silly with it. i noticed that he still does retain some of his lisp when hes screaming his lungs out at Vanellope, however, so maybe he genuinely does have a lisp that makes itself known when furious :3

another thing i noticed is how he hisses his S's. very cool very cool the reptilian

@/tasticturbo made a post abt how he has tinnitus from the constant noise in his game and i couldnt agree more

AND THE PRESCRIPTION GLASSES. where did he get those...he needs to See

side note, the aforementioned account has made so many interesting analyses on turbo and theyre all so insightful. i recommend u check them out

i think he gets migraines from stress. constant buzzing or pain flood his head but hes like "IDGAF i need to DO something at ALL TIMES no matter what"

hes like a shark in that way. if hes not moving he'll die instantly. idk a lot about sharks or if thats how it works srry but im going off of what the Worms are saying to me and i dont have much to work with

i think a really big contributer as to why he lacks in the self care department is because he fails to notice that something in his body is wrong. hes far too distracted on something he thinks is more important than remembering to Eat Food or Drink Water or Wash Himself or

he's like "WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT ALL OF THE TIME!!! I HATE MY LIFE" and he hasn't slept in 4 days

hes so me. Sorry.

i dont think turbo is necessarily suicidal, but the way he behaves shows a clear disregard for his own safety and wellbeing. he thinks that he knows what he needs but he really doesnt :-[ i think he has some kind of immortality complex, feeling untouchable and like nothing could get to him. as scared as he was when ralph was about to turn him into sloppy mush, he didnt take the threat very seriously. like it was some kind of joke

his kart regenerates every time his game starts up, so what if he smashed it into buildings for fun. He's the number one fan of car accidents. he is all about that shit

i think his living space would literally be a garage btw. its a place to sleep and a space for his car all in one!! he thinks its very convenient and awesome but i think he is coping. he has some old dingy stained sheetless mattress that he has never washed in his life and its covered in dirt and smoke particles. no wonder he has such heavy eye bags Dude Please

the turbo twins have a garage used in a similar way, and while its still pretty shitty, they still at least TRY to maintain it. they just fight a lot over who has to care of it. nobody taught them how to take turns ever

but this aint about them. maybe another day

i think that turbo would find comfort in garbage and keeping it around because its familiar to him. a big clean empty space would make him so mad and if anyone moves even an inch of scrap off to the side he will throw a fit. he generally doesnt pay attention to his surroundings but when its his personal space he is 1093 times more neurotic

i think the big empty castle he stole wouldve been a big transition for him. maybe it helped him clear his mind a little more to practice his tricky schemes...it helped him get more subtle

thats all i have for nowww ty for reading ^_^ if anyone else has any wacky ideas pleeeease tell me i would love to hear them!!

[ashtxeman]

What specifically were the medical reasons that Joe got his license revoked?

He was going too autistic in a 50 zone. kidding... no, as you can probably infer from his TD cutscene, he has brain damage! Not really something to celebrate, the poor guys taken so many poundings he suffers form a marvelous variety of medical conditions that form a concoction of danger that shouldn't be put behind a steering wheel. For example..

Constant headaches, naturally. Ringing ears, a sign of tinnitus [which is me projecting lol I have the same issue]. Exhaustion because look at those eyebags he never sleeps, he could very easily fall asleep behind the wheel. Yes most of these things are worsened when he goes on sad wine binges, therefore no cars for Joe.

He is a taxi man, through and through.

[duchessofostergotlands]

I’m an audiologist. My advice - avoid silence if your tinnitus is bad. For background noise, a lot of people use white noise but lots of patients say pink noise or ocean waves/rain sound is super helpful too. The secret is not to make it too loud. You don’t want to cover up the sound of your tinnitus because when you take the noise away, your tinnitus will be so much worse. Keep the background noise loud enough that you can hear it but not actively focusing on it. Tinnitus only becomes “bad” when you start focusing on it too much. Try not to! Famous last words, I know.

Follow-up to the last ask I sent. CBT for tinnitus is called Tinnitus Retraining Therapy. It’s about tricking your brain into thinking the tinnitus is quieter than you think it is. Using background noise specifically like I mentioned in the last ask is a really big part of it. Don’t cover up the tinnitus completely.

Thanks :) Yeah, it's not particularly easy because I'm also neurodivergent and external stimuli can be very overwhelming so constant internal stimuli on top is not great. I can just about cope during the day because I have the TV on or I'm working but at night it's difficult. I'll give pink noise a try - they all sound pretty similar to me but apparently there's a whole spectrum of noise colours, I've found out now lol. But that's helpful to know about not focusing on the background noise because that's naturally what I would do. Seems logical that if you want to have a distraction, you pay attention to the distracting thing. Going to have to work on that!

I was looking at the Tinnitus UK website and they list CBT and Tinnitus Retraining Therapy as separate things. Maybe it's just how they offer it in different countries? CBT is just a talking therapy, I've done it before, it just tries to stop you from spiralling. Whereas in the UK it looks like if you add in sound therapy and other bits and pieces then that becomes TRT. Obviously I'm sure you know more than me but they can offer the same thing under different names in different places and I know there are big differences in some areas of UK health care (like people from the US all having a gynaecologist they see every year blows our mind over here because I'm 31 and I've never even met one, I don't know anyone my age who has except those who have had a baby or something like endometriosis). So maybe that's it :)

[gloombog]

i feel like i need to just accept at this point that weed definitely does give me auditory hallucinations and delusions and i'm definitely not getting anything good out of that lol. like the only times it doesn't happen is if there's absolutely nothing making me anxious and if i'm smoking with someone else it needs to be someone i truly feel 100% comfortable around and those are nearly impossible conditions to consistently replicate because i exist in a constant neverending state of anxiety 😁 it's so weird because i literally smoked every day for like 5 years straight and it was totally fine (impossible to stop actually because i felt worse without it lmao) but ever since that incident where my tinnitus got worse for no apparent reason and i had to stop smoking for a couple months because weed made the ringing louder i haven't been able to smoke without getting so so scared and straight up hearing things that aren't there like something just changed in me and it does not do what it used to do for me anymore. which is why i have a nicotine addiction now because i guess i had to fill that void with something LOL. and it literally doesn't even matter to me that much like if anything i'm saving so much money but it's just kinda embarrassing suddenly being that guy who can't keep up with everyone else and accidentally has too much and starts freaking out (internally of course because i get too anxious to let anyone know i'm having a bad time so i just sit there tweaking which is hilarious because i think people can definitely tell when i'm sitting there twitching and looking ridiculously uncomfortable and having really disorganized speech when i do actually try to say something lol) when i used to be the guy who had to smoke like 3 bowls to even get a little bit high. like obviously that wasn't good for me either but wtf changed in my body chemistry that caused such a drastic switch. i don't think i know anyone who's had the same experience so it's just like. what happened

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Hi S!!! It’s me, ur softie 💞 anon, who took a fandom break for who knows how long 😵‍💫 I just wanted to pop in to say hi and tell u it was thundering and raining this morning and I’m all snuggled in my bed with lots of blankets and I was thinking about ur soft sub harem and realized it had been so long since I talked to u! Just wanted to bring u cozy vibes with lots of hair petting and snacks if u would like 🥰

How have u been the past few months and how’s ur 2023 going?

- very cozy 💞 anon

Hi sweetheart!

Long time no see, but damn is it good to see you again <3 I totally get the need for a break sometimes, though. No hard feelings, of course.

Oooh, I love thunder and rain. I actually just got back from a quick little trip (at the insistence of my family), and the weather where I went was completely stormy. I have fairly loud tinnitus (ringing in the ears), and I don't think I heard it at all over the couple of days because no matter where you went, the rain was so loud on roofs or so loud around you hitting the ground. Constant white noise.

Sitting inside with blankets during a thunderstorm does sound very cozy, especially if there's someone with me to wrap in blankets and pet their hair... and perhaps that person is also lightly snoozing. Because, in the least creepy way, it is very sweet to watch someone nap. Snacks can also totally happen after (or between) naps. Tea or something warm is a must, too.

Also, it's really sweet to hear that you were thinking about the harem! I think about it, and those anons, too. I kind of feel bad that school has taken so much of energy lol, I enjoy having those interactions on here.

My 2023 has been alright thus far. It's been pretty good even. Mostly, it's been school, and that's all. I'm on my last day of spring break as we speak, and I am not ready to go back lmao. This term, I'm taking more credits than I ever have before. And I have no idea how it's going to go. I have the drop with a refund date memorized so if I have to I can nope the fuck out of one class 💀💀 Mostly what is keeping me excited for this term is that it's the last before summer break haha

I hope your time away from fandom has been pleasant, 💞!

[bougiebutchbitch]

Yo so about the disability, if you are comfortable publishing asks about it, I got some stuff. I actually struggle with some of the same issues you mentioned. I would say you do not have internalized ableism, but rather imposter syndrome. You feel like you aren’t struggling enough to warrant the label. But you labeling yourself as disables]d does not take resources away from people you view as having it worse, it just gives you an easily communicable term so you can have your needs met. There are people who faint frequently that use disabled parking spaces. They aren’t ‘taking’ those spots from someone who ‘needs the more’, they are using them because it makes the walk shorter so they can get somewhere safe faster. It would be incredibly dangerous if they fainted in the middle of the parking lot. For the fainting thing, it sounds a lot like what I was diagnosed with, POTS: Postural Orthostatic Hypo-Tension. It’s an auto-immune illness that causes your blood to pool in your legs when standing up from sitting/laying down. I felt a tightness in my chest when it was happening, why vision would go fuzzy, I’d sometimes see ‘light trails’ from movement, and it’d cause tinnitus. If that sounds similar to what you are experiencing, you could ask about it. After awhile, instead of fainting I would have a ‘pseudo-seizure’ (non-epileptic seizure) instead of fainting so potentially be on the lookout for that. Anyways, as an auto-immune illness, it effects your sleep and you digestive system as well, which is often misdiagnosed as IBS and other similar things. Also, I ended up being fully diagnosed with Lyme and MCS (Mast Cell Activation) later. MCS causes extreme allergic reactions to high histamine foods like nightshade veggies (tomatos, peppers, potatos), gluten, dairy, soy, sometimes eggs and rice as well. I struggled so much going doctor to doctor and program to program trying to figure things out, as soon as I saw your post I wanted to say something and possibly prevent another person from going to the same struggle. Unfortunately with auto-immune illnesses, it’s basically contract one, get ten free, and they are misdiagnosed so often, it’s hard to find out what’s going on. If this strikes a chord at all with you I could just PM you or something should you be comfortable with that. Anyways, I really hope you figure everything out and are able to get better ! I hope I didn’t overstep at all.

BIG HUG. Not an overstep in the slightest! Thank you so much for sharing your experience; that's very helpful. And I do really appreciate your kind words about imposter syndrome. Yeah. That makes... a lot of sense. These past two years especially, my physical health has really gone downhill despite me living a very active and outwardly 'healthy' lifestyle. But just because most days I can manage, even if I risk falling over several times a day and need to spend an ungodly amount of time in the bathroom... It doesn't negate those issues, or that some days I'm so exhausted I can barely function. Thank you. x

Yeah - the conjunction of POTS, bad digestive issues and hypermobility is why my doctor's looking into EDS for me, but sadly my country's healthcare system is painfully overloaded and slow (and my doctor knows literally nothing about EDS and had to look it up online lol). I can’t afford specialists, so, no diagnosis yet!

Some very gnarly autoimmune stuff runs in my family. My mum's got it and my grandma had it, etc. THANKFULLY I don't have symptoms for that (yet... T^T) but instead seem to be on a diagnostic track for several potential other, apparently unrelated autoimmune disorders! The joy of autoimmune stuff, like you say T^T

..................I wonder if frequent migraines are related, too? I get like, one a month, so not constant, but still not fun! Aren't bodies delightful???? I'll have to mention it to my poor GP; I lose track of what's normal and not normal lmao

Thank you. That really does strike a chord. I'm sending you love as a fellow Chronic Condition Hell sufferer! <3 And I’m absolutely happy to PM if you’d like?

[insanelycooljk]

You mentioned ⚡⚡⚡was the worst for angst so now I Have To Ask

send me the title of one of my deh wips and I’ll share an excerpt/tell you a bit about it  

Ok I definitely only mentioned that because I was hoping someone might ask about it lmao. I’d argue that this is more like... hurt than angst, but it’s gonna be hurt/comfort, so hopefully the sweet moments make up for it. You can expect a lot of soft kleinsen lol.

This one it was like 3am and there was a huge storm outside. I was sitting by my window watching the lightning, I’d just finished reading Trying Through the Trauma and a particular scene was on my mind (if you’ve read it you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about, and if you haven’t I highly reccomend it because that fic is wonderful, the world-building is INSANE).

So given all of that, plus my apparent desire to just hurt all the characters I love, my brain was like “hey... what if Jared got struck by lightning?”

Which I KNOW sounds absolutely ridiculous and like some kind of crack fic, but just bare with me here ok.

For maximum angst, the fic begins with Jared storming out of Evan’s house after a fight.

I haven’t worked out all of the details of the fight yet, but basically there was an attempt at an apology/discussion of Evan’s letter that didn’t go so well and things got a bit heated.

Jared’s hurt and angry, so he runs away because that’s what he does.

It’s absolutely pissing down, it’s at least a 15/20 minute walk back to his house, but Jared’s a stubborn bastard and he just needs to get out of there.

Evan’s stuck in his head trying to process how the hell that went so badly, because he’s hurt and angry too, but then a particulary loud clap of thunder snaps him out of his thoughts. He’s not sure why the hell Jared walked here instead of drove (it was because he wanted the extra time to try and plan what he was going to say to Evan), but Heidi will kill him if she finds out he just let Jared walk all the way home in this weather.

So he runs outside after Jared to tell him to stop being an idiot and at least just wait until it stops raining so much

And of course Evan catches up with Jared just in time to see him get struck

Evan is just frozen in absolute horror because what the fuck. What the fuck. Who the hell gets struck by lightning!? That just doesn’t happen in real life. What the fuck.

His brain finally catches up to him and he rushes over to Jared who’s just convulsing on the ground.

Evan’s hands are shaking but he manages to call 911. Once the ambulance is on their way he’s just staring helplessly at Jared still seizing on the ground, and all he can think is Jared is going to die and the last thing they did was fight.

Another minute or so passes and Jared’s seizure suddenly ends. Evan’s just holding his breath because he has no idea what he should do. Being a nurse and all, Heidi’s taught him how to do basic CPR incase of emergencies, but Evan’s in such a state of panic that he can’t do anything

And then Jared opens his eyes. It takes a second for the pain to catch up to him, the ringing in his ears is loud and oh fuck everything hurts his whole body is on fire

Evan is freaking the fuck out now that Jared is awake and crying, and he’s desperately trying to comfort him and is begging the ambulance to hurry the fuck up. And god this is so much worse now that Jared’s conscious, because Jared just doesn’t break down. The last time Evan probably saw him cry was when he stacked it on his bike when they were kids (unless you count the unshed tears shining in his eyes during their gfy fight and most recent fight, which Evan is pointedly NOT counting lmao, he can’t deal with that right now)

Anyway, the paramedics finally arrive and give Jared some serious painkillers and take him to the hospital because honestly they’re not really sure what to do either. It’s not like there’s a special “lightning strike survivor” class in the paramedicine curriculum lol. Jared didn’t go into cardiac arrest or anything so that’s a good sign, but he’s obviously in pain and he’s got some really nasty burns that need looking at so he’s clearly not fine.

And of course, for more maximum angst, they take him to the hospital Heidi works at. Because of course they do. Heidi’s had a fairly quiet night at work, or at least as as quiet as it can be working at a hospital. But then she overhears something about a kid who got struck by lightning!? And Heidi is like damn… well that doesn’t happen every day. She’s currently on her break but she’s understandably pretty curious, so she decides she’ll just go see what’s going on.

Which of course leads to her finding an extremely distraught looking Evan who is absolutely drenched, and any other thoughts are gone from her mind instantly.

Evan all but collapses into her arms. She’s holding him tightly as he just sobs and sobs and he’s shivering and so cold and why is he so wet? And obviously Heidi just wants to be there for him but the she’s starting to panic and she needs to know what’s wrong. She pulls away, still holding his shoulders tightly, to look him in the face.

“Evan, honey talk to me. What happened?” And he just manages to choke out “It’s Jared, it’s…. he,” but he can’t get the words out because he keeps being interrupted by his own sobs. And now Heidi is really worried because what happened with Jared? Is he ok? “He…” Evan can’t continue because he just lets out this choked cry and breaks into even harder sobs. Which causes Heidi to promptly pull him close again.

Evan is just, exhausted. Like, he was so tense and upset after the fight with Jared, and then THAT happened, and he’s been doing his best to not completely fall apart so he could explain what happened to the paramedics, but it’s just all so much, and all he wants his mum to hold him and tell him everything’s going to be ok.

“He’s hurt,” Evan says finally once his breathing is bit more under control and he can finally speak again. “He…. there was lightning and, and-”

And Heidi’s heart just stops because she suddenly remembers the boy that supposedly got struck by lightning and she does not like where this is going.

Jared’s mostly ok physically. He’s got some really nasty burns and he’s in a lot of pain, plus the strike was super loud so he’s got some bad tinnitus, but nothing that really needs monitoring. So he’s only in the hospital for a couple of days.

However, the thing with lightning strikes is it can do a lot of weird neurological damage that scientists and doctors don’t really understand yet. So a lot of survivors suffer from things like personality changes, mood swings, memory loss and chronic pain.

So in terms of symptoms for Jared he struggles with chronic pain. It’s not like a low-level constant pain, it’s more episodes where he’s in extreme pain for a short period of time and then it fades away again. He got struck on his shoulder, so the pain flares up on his shoulder and down his arm on that side of his body.

His burns take a while to heal, and whilst his tinnitus gets much better it’s always there to an extent. He’s also got some issues with fatigue, it’s not terrible but he definitely gets tired more easily than he used to.

Jared doesn’t really have any issues with like, personality changes or anything, but the whole experience was pretty tramautic, so his mental health definitely isn’t great right now.

Obviously, Jared’s pretty fucking terrified of thunderstorms now. He pretty much just refuses to leave his house if there’s a storm.

One time he’s driving himself and Evan home from school and it starts raining and he just – refuses to leave the car. There’s not even thunder but the sky is dark and it’s raining pretty heavily and Evan’s all like “It’s ok, come on. It’s two metres. Just take my hand and we’ll run inside together ok?” And poor Jared is having a panic attack, just gasping for air, and he’s shaking his head and saying “I can’t.”

And Evan kinda tries a couple more suggestions to coax him inside, because like they literally just have to walk from the driveway to Evan’s front door. There is a 0% chance that anything would happen in the 5 seconds it would take to get inside, and there isn’t even any thunder, it’s just raining heavily.

Eventually he gives up and they just sit in the car together waiting for the storm to pass. Evan can’t help but think how ironic it is that he’s the one who has to help Jared through his own panic attacks now.

But the main complications Jared struggles with are the cognititve issues. Jared’s always been pretty smart and has done well in school, so he finds it really hard to deal with.

He REALLY struggles with his memory at first. Mainly short-term memory. He’ll do things like make lunch multiple times because he forgot he ate already. He struggles with reading and writing and keeps tripping over his sentences. It all improves a lot over time, but it never quite gets 100% better.

But yeah, that’s kind of the hardest part for Jared because it’s just frustrating and confusing. It causes him a lot of distress because it makes him feel so stupid.

One time when he’s really struggling with it, maybe whilst trying to do work for school, Jared just breaks down about it because he just feels so frustrated. He ends up crying into Evan’s shoulder and going “I just want to be better”

Evan says nothing, because he’s been doing an obsessive amount of research and the truth is Jared might not ever be “better” again, and he doesn’t want to lie to Jared. Well, he certainly wants to, we all know about Evan’s lying issues lmao. He desperately wants to tell Jared comforting lies like “it’s ok” and “there’s nothing wrong with you” and “of course you’ll get better” but he holds his tongue because he knows he can’t lie to Jared, not about this.

ANYWAY ahahaha, I got a little carried away with this one but I’ve got a LOT of feelings about it. It will end up with kleinsen because I couldn’t resist, so on that note I do have just one last point I HAVE to share 🥺

So a lot of people who get struck by lightning end up with these really kind of beautiful looking scars called Lichtenberg figures. They normally only last a day or two (although I did read about one guy where they lasted like a month) but uhh.... I will be taking some artisitic liberities there lmao because imaging Evan gently tracing over Jared’s scars when they finally get together? Good shit.

[benbantz]

Week 17 with long term Covid

Hello to anyone reading this, those I know and those I don’t.

Had Covid 19 now for 17 weeks (or suffering after effects of covid, how ever you want to word it.) Point is had/have Corona and it’s still kicking my arse.

So since my recent facebook update (after being pretty quiet on social media for a while) a couple of peeps have messaged me asking about my symptoms and stuff as (apart from the first 2-3 weeks) I haven't really gone into any detail I just sort of say 'having rough week' or 'things flared up again' etc etc. Without going into too much detail about anything specific. So for anyone interested, and because people have been curious and asking - and as you’ll see is far to detailed to explain person to person (and want to spread the word about long haulers as a lot of people struggling) So it’s just easier for me to have it in one place. For myself more then anything. And if you get anything out of it then that’s great.

Things are just starting to come out about long haulers in the media and on the news and I know people are interested to learn a bit more about it all. So while I’m having a not too bad a time last couple of days I’d thought it’s a good a time as any to go thru all my symptoms. Get them typed out for first time.

And maybe it will be helpful to someone who randomly comes across this post - (thou please don’t use as a guide), every case is different, a lot of similarities   and cross overs , but ultimately different  Just because someone you know might be having a rough couple of days or experiencing a couple of these symptoms it could be something completely unrelated to covid. (Make sure you check with your GP or call 111 if you think you have covid symptoms long term or otherwise.) I am not a Dr.

Here's a list of everything been going on with me over last 17 weeks.           Some experiences have been completely new to me so very hard to explain , some descriptions may sound a little odd , but hopefully you get idea of what I mean! (Also sorry for any grammar mistakes....I dropped out of English A level)

Those who come across this and don’t know me personally know that while this is a (mostly) serious (but hopefully uplifting) post I’m very sarcastic and use dumb humour to deflect from how shit life is at the moment! :-) 

So first thing of the bat I'll explain is I've realised in recent weeks it's been easier to think of it as good and bad days/weeks rather then getting better/worse (as in first 10 or so weeks when I thought of it as 'it's getting better' and got in that positive mindset, the kickbacks have obviously beaten the piss out of me mentally as well as physically, as I've had about four big relapses now where I thought I'm on the right track, having a good couple of weeks then bam, I seem to go back to square one for no real apparent reason. So when I say bad day I'm describing when everything amps/flares up again, A few more symptoms go up and the volumes up on high,and likewise a good day is when things seem to be moving in right direction again and I get a bit of a break.(So now I just appreciate them when they come and try make most out of them.) A good day isn’t a symptom free day by any means, it’s just better then the bad ones.

OK so on to my symptoms.

Specific Areas

Chest - Since the first evening it kicked of early March my chest has felt like a giant has had his hand around it - that’s non stop, constant (told you my explanations were weird.)

On the better days it's a very light grip I can get on and do things to a point, but I am always aware it's there. On a bad day it's grip tightens and he squeezes (or  his fingers press into a couple of key areas - been pressing on my back a lot last few weeks.) - That’s been non stop and has not gone away since beginning. Thou I do believe its starting to ease a little. 

- Chest pain - A shooting pain in my chest (slightly different from description above, feels more like its needles on inside of body. Thankfully these are uncommon, they pop up if I push myself a bit too far one day or if I’m having rougher week.(And it’s not heart related)

Lungs/Breathing - Haven't felt like I've taken in a full lungful of air since beginning, I take a deep breath but only feels like I'm taking in 80- 85% ish (on a good day) 65- 75% ish (on a bad day) - This is week 17 numbers btw,  take maybe 10-15% off when it was at worst. I think the best way I can describe it is it feels like there’s a filter or a sieve/strainer at top of lungs, on a good day there’s more spaces available to breathe thru (but still there’s a filter) and on a bad day more spaces close and I'm breathing thru less.

 *Thankfully bar the first week where I had to get paramedic out, I haven't been gasping for air, I've certainly had to just lay and just concentrate on only breathing a few times because the filters have closed up a lot more (in the night mostly) especially where my bodies relaxed and I've woken and panicked short of air. Yes that’s as terrifying as it sounds.

- The air I do take in doesn't feel clean or fresh (best way I can describe it is when you go to a zoo and they have a indoor Rain Forrest/safari area .... very that lol) That was constant the first 12 or so weeks (even when getting fresh air outside) thankfully that’s eased a little and not so prominent, still doesn't feel like I’m breathing in fresh air but its not so hot and stuffy and noticing the difference when I go outside now.

Throat/Mouth - Burning/inflamed mouth - This is by far been the most uncomfortable/hardest for me to ignore and just get on with day to day stuff, from maybe week 6 to week 14 it was pretty much non stop burning mouth and throat (Call my mum Khaleesi because I was spitting fire.)

 Whole inside of my mouth and down my throat was just inflamed/swollen (felt like I had a golf ball stuck down there) and burning hot. The last couple of weeks its eased I don’t wake up with it (unless i’m having a flare up/bad day) It's still very on/ off but thankfully not constant like it was. And have since learned that high histamine foods make it worse - same with my chest and few other things,  (so choc, dairy, alcohol, fizzy drinks ...my diet essentially ) So have cut most of them down/out. Ice lollies have been my savior on hot throat days. - Marble in throat - Another hard one to explain, it feels like there’s a marble sort of sized ball of phlegm that I constantly need to clear. (OK maybe not that hard to explain - also sorry for the gross imagery.) But not enough mucus coming up to warrant the feeling, it’s irritating more then anything - but a few weeks ago was probs golf ball sized, so again improvement! - This sort of ties in with with the inflamed mouth, but the first thing to flare up on bad day is my tongue, feels tingly most of the time anyway but more so on a flare up/bad day.  - Same with my teeth / gums and the tingly sensation, (my teeth constantly feel like that sensation when you have some orange juice after brushing your teeth.) Sensitive/fuzzy I guess. Not particularly bothersome or concerning...just weird.

Nose

- This is probably one of newest ones, nose has felt hot(on and off)/bunged up for last few weeks. (But I know its not if that makes sense)  I guess you could say same as lungs - not breathing in a full nose-full of air either.  - sorry again for gross TMI but any mucus or boogers are clear (like almost see thru clear/never been cleaner clear)  - Phantom smells - A really odd one, I smell smoke and gas a lot, not just smell it, it feels like its in my nose and my mouth - especially smoke, almost like I’ve eaten it sometimes (non smoker in smoke free flat btw). Was a lot more prominent in first few weeks ,so much so that before I realised it was a symptom I had my carbon monoxide alarms checked because it was making me paranoid I could smell smoke/gas. A bizarre one for sure. Pops up randomly now and again.

Eyes - Last couple of weeks have been getting bit of blurry vision and sore or dry eye , I'm already blind as shit so hard to tell in terms of blurriness how bad this one is, but def finding it harder to concentrate on one thing for too long (but that sort of ties in with brain fog - which i'll get to) but pretty sure once this is done with and I go to opticians will likely need a stronger prescription (some other long haulers who never had eye problems before are now having to wear glasses) No idea if that’s a permanent one but hopefully i’m at peak of it.

Ears - My left ear has felt blocked pretty much since start (or like it needs to pop some days) Most the time I can ignore it but can be quite distracting if it kicks up a couple of dials.Which is likely why I get ear ache in same ear often as well.

*Also for most the things listed above it has always been worse on my left side of body, lung, eyes, ear, headaches.

- Tinnitus (correct word for ringing in ears right?) Usually kicks in early afternoon or on bad day. Varies on strength depending on the day I’m having.

Head/Brain - Brain Fog - So the sort of very basic science behind this is because my lungs aren't producing enough oxygen my brain knows this, so is lending them some to help out...but because of this it means I’m experiencing what is known as brain fog (I don’t know what its actually called, likely has a better more official sounding name) - my concentration is very low, i’m finding it hard to retain things and concentrate more then usual. (not been up to reading or watching something new for month or so as I just cant focus on it) Also been getting odd words muddled or confused (but the bar wasn't the highest with me on that front ha ha)

 Been dropping things when I think I have them in my hand. I do however think this is improving (The fact that I have typed this out with just a couple short breaks so far is much better then two weeks ago when I couldn't even focus on a computer game for more then half a hour) so as my lungs improve so does this or vice versa on flare up. *Edit - This whole post has taken a couple of days to draft and type up, so not too bad in terms of needing breaks etc.

-I'm also constantly aware of my brain... like I can feel it all the time (I literally cant explain that any other way lol, I guess its just heavier at moment so I can feel it against my skull) best explanation I think you'll get from that one. - Have a headache most the time (so much so that I sort of forget it’s there.) Thankfully most the time there mild/low and I can forget or distract myself but like everything else if I'm having a bad few days it goes up a notch. Likely connected to the brain fog.

Stomach and Lower abdomen - Period pains - only way I can explain it, generally thought after nearly 10 years without them it was messing my body about so much I was getting  phantom periods. (I’m a transgender man, 4+ years on testosterone, for anyone I don’t know who comes across this) been there done that, brought the t-shirt.. then sent it back because it wasn’t for me!  Very strong and painful on and off for first eight weeks, get the odd twinge now and again but think that ones done with, thank the gods. - Stomach Pains - Few aches and pains on /off, and recently experienced what felt like needle/stabbing pain for short while in short bursts - and I only really mention stomach because I haven't had the widely publicised  'covid shits' (yet, touch wood... or cloth) So yay!

Heart - Palpitations - First 8 weeks was on and off most days to the point if I was sat still my heart would be palpitating. (I couldn't even sit and listen to music I enjoyed as it would make my heart go mad.) - When I do get the palpitations it sets most things off, so if palpitations do start I generally know I'm about to have rough couple of hours or days and can’t do much, for obvious safety reasons. Thankfully these have subsided a lot last 6 or so weeks. Still get them every few days but generally know whats setting me off and how to lower them down and they don’t last as long.

Hands and Feet - Skin been very dry last couple of months, cracking and peeling on hands and feet (ew)  - Pins and needles/ numb fingers and toes - Get this a lot, obviously very normal stuff but just find them coming on a lot more (especially if i’m holding something like my ipad, phone or xbox controller for a while) Fingers feel numb/puffy a lot too. (Likely also why I keep dropping things) - Also to tie in with skin, have had a on /off spots on chest, face and shoulders for few weeks, they all came up at same time, not irritant or itchy or anything, just there.

General/Other weird things - Voice - So this is one that frustrates me the most, I have had next to no voice for last maybe 10 weeks.  I just cant chat to people at moment. For first 4 weeks wasn't to bad (I even started a youtube channel to keep me occupied and distracted) but slowly week by week it went a little bit more each time. I can talk for short periods of time if I have to/choose to ,like its not gone completely, but it kicks up all the things I mentioned in my throat and mouth directly after. If the phone rings I have to decide if it’s worth answering, in doing so knowing i’m going to have a rough day or so after. Someday’s I feel it's better then others like couple of weeks ago, chatted to my brothers online on xbox for half an hour or so for the first time in weeks, and caught up with a friend on phone for 10 minutes...but a couple of days later everything flared up again. So it's still trial and error and just being patient with my voice. (I'm quite confident no long term damage is being done now as few people in group i’m in reported there voice just eventually got better over time.) Definitely the symptom I’m having to be most patient with. - Fatigue and tiredness - My days now are normally diddily done by 4-5, (except if its a bad day then most of the day is a write off) No matter how little or much I've done, by 5-6 my body and mind are exhausted. As someone who has insomnia, pre covid I would maybe have 1-2 all nighters every ten or so days sprinkled in with 5-6 days of at most 3-4 hours sleep. In the last 17 weeks I have had just 3 all nighters, and maybe just under ten 3-4 hour sleeps. Otherwise i’m getting at least 5+ hours a night. This is the one covid thing I'd like to keep please lol.  I think it's easing a little (most the bad night sleeps have been in last month) and on good days tiredness is kicking in a little later, or it's taking me a little longer to drift off. But generally am cream crackerd a lot of time, especially if I push myself too far on a bad day. - Loss/Increased appetite - This sort of ties in with what I mentioned earlier about different foods causing set backs, the first 6 weeks I had no appetite and lost a bit of weight (I do put a lot of this down to extreme worry and stress thou)  Then I went thru a phase of being very hungry for a few weeks and put most of the weight I had lost back on. I'm somewhere in the middle now, probably because I know most of anything I eat will set me back a little (because as mentioned fussy git = high histamine diet) so i’m cutting portions (otherwise known as the amount of cheese I add to everything!) and cutting out all most junk food (you’ll never part me from my crisps!) and non healthy drinks.  

- Bloated and dehydration - This one I sort of put in pencil because it could be covid related but I also think it could be side effects  from the brown asthma inhaler I was prescribed to help with breathing. I’m still undecided as it pops up especially when I was using inhaler more but it does happen days after I’ve last used it. At it’s worse I was getting up to pee a lot! because I was thirsty all the time. So of course was just very bloated around the belly. 

*Also talking of peeing, (Great segway Ben) number 1′s and 2′s have been very different then normal, urine thicker and bubbly,and smells/is coloured different,   (same with 2′s) Also have a completely different body odour at the moment,(pungent) having to use deodorant twice as much as normal. - Admit it your life’s a little bit better now you know that information.

- THE HEAT! - I touched on this with my mouth and nose being on fire, but for the first 10-12 weeks I did not go a day where at least a couple of things were not burning hot ,like hot to the touch as well, not just inside...(very different experience then having a temperature). Extreme heat in one very specific part of body. Ears, forehead, cheeks, chest, back, nose, mouth,throat to name a few of prominent ones. Over time they have faded (if something does feel hot now its generally not hot to the touch anymore.) Maybe on a bad day a couple of things will burn up. (But in saying that, been calling today a good day but nose is quite hot) but point is its better. - Mood swings/Anxiety - While i’m fairly confident anything emotional has stemmed from experiencing...well everything you've just read. Rather then it being its own symptom (thou I have had days of uncontrollable crying, days of anger..that perhaps outside of covid I would still of had one of those days but just not to such a extreme, I think with everything going on its just amped that emotion and anxiety up.)  it's obviously been very stressful and anxiety inducing. That’s only calmed down in last week since finding the facebook group of other people going thru the same thing. I'm now seeing that people are slowly improving, i'm seeing I've not been going mad and it's all very real and not just happening to me. So the bad days are easier to deal with now and not hitting me emotionally like a ton of bricks anymore. I honestly couldn't see the end of the tunnel two weeks ago but can see it now (even if I take a step forward one day but then 2-3 back another...I see it still.)

*Mushy moment Alert - A good a place as any to include while I'm talking about emotion  - Even thou she probs wont see this,but want to mention my mum. She’s been my rock thru all this, she messages me at least twice everyday without fail, since day 1. Even thou I know she's been worried sick about me herself, she's reassured and calmed me down on the harder more stressful days. I dread the mornings when things have gone downhill a bit and having to tell her ,because I know she'll worry, but after a few texts we both end up sort of reassuring and calming the other down. (especially in the earlier days when it was really bad, scary, new and unknown.) When it was really getting me down for a while and I wanted nothing to do with anything covid related and just stay in bed and pretend this wasn't happening to me, she dug out the articles and tips and things to help or give me a boost. (Not to mention all the coming and going she and my step dad have done for me last 4 months and taking care of my shopping for first 9 or so weeks...because I was a useless mess of a human)       I know it’s basic mum stuff but this would be 10x harder and lonelier without her. Random detour I know but can’t talk about my covid experience and recovery without mentioning her.

Almost looking forward to sending her the first  'Everything normal today' text as much as I look forward to experiencing it....almost. ;-)  

Amount of Symptoms On A Typical Day

On a good day - (when I think virus was at it's worse in the first 10-14 weeks) - 4-6 symptoms ( 2 or 3 cranked up to a medium or high otherwise on mild)

On a bad day - At peak/worse - 6-10 symptoms (throat, chest and no voice on high volume, maybe a couple of things like palpitations and brain fog, heat on medium/high, other weird stuff on mild/low)

Good day  - Now 17 weeks in (excluding my voice which is still a medium to high issue most days) - 3-4 Symptoms on low to mild - usually there’s something still simmering on a medium always ready to turn up to a high if I push it too much in terms of walking or talking. (often my chest) Bad Day (Now) - 4-7 Symptoms - 1 to 3 on medium (maybe a couple will kick up to high on first day of a flare up, but generally now for shorter periods of time.)Everything else on mild or low.

So there has def been improvement in last 6 weeks, i’m sure it wont all be plain sailing and I know/prepare to expect another 'flare up' and then a bad few days. But recently instead of the bad days being 2-3 weeks of it constantly, the duration is getting shorter each time (last bad few days was just under a week)  So things are slowly improving, and i’m sure in time so will the amount of symptoms and the strength of each symptom.

I've probably missed a couple of silly/odd little things that have gone on (likely because they were so early on or very brief (or I’ve forgotten) -  fever and nausea to name a couple. When I got my notes together these were the main ones that came to mind. Quite a lot actually sitting back reading them, and I think the scary (but good) thing is, x-ray came back fine, bloods came back fine.  People have had MRI's, camera’s down there throat, most coming back fine. Covid just not showing up on any tests(unless someones suffered further complications with something) - hence why a lot of people struggling to be taken seriously by there GP's or even loved ones who think there just 'exaggerating’ or its just ‘anxiety and stress'...no living with all what you just read causes anxiety and stress Mary! 

But yeah could waffle on, once its definitely gone and I breathe and look back I can perhaps get a better overview of everything and give you better analysis of all that’s gone on. I get asked 'so when do you think it will be gone?' almost as much as 'are you better now?' To the first question, meh I don't know, I'm now into month 4/week 17 (well month 5 if I include last couple of days of Feb when I believe I caught it and had the very mild cold early March) still a lot of things going on with my body, some new things could still pop up, so instead of saying 'I think it will be gone by..'  ,like I did in the first weeks. I'm just taking it week by week (or day by day if it kicks up a notch) not making any big demands of myself or my body, doing what I can each day....but not pushing it. Instead of the sad, anxiety inducing thought 'when will it go' or the one all us long haulers worry about a lot ‘Will it ever go?’ I now try to think instead  'it will go!.'

To any fellow long haulers I say hang in there, keep fighting, trust your body and that it will get better. Take it day by day. Stay as positive as you can when everything 'flares up again' after a couple of weeks of good progress (easier said then done I know) but know it wont be forever as much as it feels like it is. Don’t be afraid to ask for help (I hate going to Drs would much rather just 'get on with it' , but from pestering a little I got a blue inhaler which has helped me a lot day to day,and had x-ray and blood tests which also put my mind at ease when they came back clear. So don’t be afraid to ask to get these things checked if you’re worried. I've been lucky with my GP's thou who I think have generally believed me and taken me seriously and I know not everyone is getting that help or respect. I think it’s really not helped us that in the early days people were stubbing their toes and thinking they had caught covid and calling their Dr’s (I’m exaggerating but hopefully you get my point lol), so if you do get a not so helpful interaction, be patient,explain yourself or try again with another Dr, remember a GP will only advise you symptom by symptom and not as a whole.   Anyway I’m repeating stuff you already know by now lol.   

Stay positive. Stay hopeful and stay safe.

To anyone else, believe us, know this is very real, and that it absolutely sucks. Its not just anxiety or in our head. We're not exaggerating - in fact most of us are probably playing it down or just not elaborating on things for an easy life and because when someone asks 'are you better now?'  it's easier to just smile and nod and answer 'getting there slowly' because the truth is...well what you just read lol. (And I'm a particularly mild case...next to no coughing, no spells in A and E, a breeze for a lot of other people with long term) Keep yourselves safe (most long haulers have no previous medical /problems/conditions. Some ,myself included, have weakened immune systems due to a long term health condition. A unlucky few are fighting another long term medical illness as well as covid. I'm lucky in that I have no dependants (except 4 easy to please gecko's) and was not working prior to catching it - some are having to deal with all this and be full time parents, or have been to and fro with their jobs (thinking there better then relapsing after going back). There’s mums messaging on behalf of there young kids who have it, lots of young people (one of the lads that co runs the group is 22 I believe), there's athletes/health fanatics used to running miles every day been completely knocked of there game unable to even walk to end of road some days. People of all age ranges. Point is anyone can catch it, it might not just be 'a couple of rough weeks' It might take over half a year for you to recover from.  This myth that it's short and sweet, or a walk in the park if your young and healthy needs to be squashed because its just not accurate. 

If not for my mum and our family and the facebook group I found, (Positive path of wellness - Covid UK Long Haulers) I'd be struggling, really struggling. It's scary, brutal and lonely. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The virus is still out there it has not gone. Keep sanitising hands and wear a mask in busy places!. - Tell the guy who's life this has been for 17 weeks, why wearing a mask in public places, to keep yourself and others safe from catching this nightmare, is a inconvenience for you Karen...go on, I'll wait...

Maybe you can help prevent yours or someone else's next few months from being even worse. x

Was going to just make this a one time post on tumblr account but if it’s a help to anyone (especially fellow long haulers) I’ll post some other bits and bobs when i’m up to it. (thinking of doing a post about things/products etc that I think have been helping me. If that’s useful to anyone) Or just some positive/ funny things to keep spirits up. Keeping it all positive and upbeat as possible.

So I’ll see if anyone reads this first and go from there

So I guess in conclusion ...lol I’m just joking, this post is really done now, go back to your lives, this garbled mess of self woe (worlds smallest violin is back in its case now), sarcasm and naff humour has taken up far too much of all of our days already. Go peacefully amongst the things. :-) 

Stay safe everyone x

[diariesofabuggygirl]

So. Time for an update?

Tomorrow I have my four month post-op visit. It’s a little hard to think about because I thought I’d get more gains by now. I do have to keep in mind though that I have retethered and I have tons of inflammation which is slowing the process. As well as my whole body having to deal with so much else.

So far my gains have been having my tinnitus going away for a short while from time to time - which is great since I have had literally constant tinnitus since I can remember. I also have been able - with the help of massage- to open my jaw properly for the first time in about a year or so. I’ve noticed that the two seem to be connected because sometimes when I get my jaw in a good place my tinnitus goes away immediately.

I’m worried that my fusion won’t help as much as I had hoped. That’s a heavy thing especially because we are running out of diagnosis’s. But people often continue to get gains even a year later. And I’m not even detethered yet.

At least the surgery will keep it from getting worse, though I still have to be careful with my surrounding neck bones.

I’m thinking of going dairy free for about six weeks to see if it helps. We know my inflammation is a problem and I know dairy makes me bloat so it probably makes all the inflammation worse. It is probably triggering MCAS reactions and it seems silly to be working so hard to get my MCAS and inflammation control but to still be eating something that makes it worse. But of course with my food addiction/compulsive eating, food/diet trauma, and not having much going on in my life other than eating, it’s incredibly difficult. I have to be careful not to push too hard or at the wrong times/in the wrong areas so that I don’t “break” and spiral down to where I’m even worse off than I am now.

When you’re so fatigued you don’t feel well enough to even craft and you’re almost entirely bed/homebound there isn’t a lot to cheer you up or keep you busy other than dairy... and carbs... 

I’m gonna try to wrap my head around a dairy free stint to see if it helps at all and maybe give it a try after the holidays. I’ll talk to my therapist about it and try to come up with a game plan.

I often feel silly because I know to most this isn’t a big deal, but that’s sort of the thing. Given my circumstances and how my brain is wired, not to mention all the health conditions I have that are directly fueling me to eat, and my mental health problems and well intentioned but ill-guided coping mechanisms this is not normal. It’s absolutely not normal that this is as hard as it is, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is. It doesn’t change the fact that though that might seem like the obvious choice to most, that I have a lot more to factor in. And honestly with how much diets have effected my mental health in the past, I have to really balance that with how much it would improve my physical health.

It’s just not as simple as it should be, but that’s not on me. That’s on my situation and I don’t have anything to feel guilty or “silly” for. I also know that feeling guilty will only make me want to eat more and until I can get some more positive distractions and coping skills in place, this is where I am.

Good news is my infections seem to be close to remission, though I still feel like crap. My doc says I seem to have a lot of encephalitis still and ironically some of the meds for that also happen to be antibiotics. lol

The current plan is to try to keep my infections at bay, get my inflammation down, get detethered again, and then give my brain/spinal cord/brainstem time to heal. 

I am feeling “off” and trying to not give in to a lot of intrusive thoughts and downward spirals in so many different directions. I’m very overwhelmed and honestly not sure what to focus on/where to put my effort or how much effort I can put in before I break and it backfires. 

It’s really frustrating that often all I can do without breaking is just... survive. 

Again, I’m tired of just surviving. I want to live.

[thesausagequest]

Swiss Sausage

I have recently returned to the city of London for a spell where, as I’m currently enjoying a period of unemployment on a freelance basis, I have weighed up my options and moved into a fictional neighbourhood of which no one has ever heard and though even I am no longer sure it’s my hand in front of my face as I sit here or some bus conductor from Narnia, I have indeed very cleverly used wordplay to tie the name of the area into the title of this white paper.

That is correct, I have moved to Combledon.

That was a lie I duped you, Combledon really doesn’t exist, I have moved to Swiss Cottage, but you believed me for a second and questioned your knowledge I am like the Riddler but wearing more garments.

Swiss Cottage is a part of London that compels residents to defend it by mentioning the zone it’s in (2), the borough it’s in (Camden) and the state it’s in (not...terrific). If you haven’t travelled through Swiss Cottage and are wondering how it got its name, pop on down from Combledon and feast thine eyes on the actual, genuine reason this area is so called.

There. Is. A. Swiss. Cottage. And. They. Named. An. Area. After. It.

That’s real, that’s not a movie set, though it does look like Odeon is about to beat it up. As it’s been a while since I’ve cruised through the world of meatpipes - ignore that wording - I felt that I’d use some time to visit this biscuit tin to see what sausages they’re slinging - again, move past it as we have done so deftly for so many years.

Ye Olde Swiss Cottage - I’m not fucking making this up - sits between eight actual lanes of traffic, the constant hum of which I’m 90% sure has stunted my reading age, possibly even reducing it. The website promised me a Jumbo Butcher’s Hot Dog, and though I think fat-shaming a butcher is unkind, this was what I settled on on my walk down.

Except they don’t do that any more so I had this.

And somehow sat at a table that was so small my knees were higher than my food.

When Wilfred Owen wrote in Dulce et Decorum Est:

Bent double, like beggars under old sacks,

Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,

I couldn’t really picture the image. Now, however, having eaten with my body bent at the waist into an acute angle, I really think I appreciate the experience he’s describing. It’s possible he doesn’t understand my plight, quite honestly.

Anyway, that’s not the fantastical chalet’s fault. I have eyes, I’ve seen them, I chose the wrong table and just stuck to my guns. The meal.

The sausages were dense and a little bland, like myself, so I appreciated that. The mashed potato was very, very bad but you’ll have to refer to my other blog for that review. The conflict here came from the fact that, while I wish to add length to my increasingly-dismal total, I actually don’t necessarily want to eat three piping hot, massive porkpoles to myself all at once in the afternoon. They were so hot I almost wept, which was apt because once I’d finished eating, so did my food:

What bleakness is happening in that kitchen that it makes the food cry? What horrors have you seen, my little orange companion? Is there someone I can call?

The rest of the meal went off without a Hitch, because I don’t like that film and besides, there are no TVs in the doily shack. While I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that specific dish to anyone except a man with a vendetta who wishes to rid the earth of cylindrical food as soon as possible, the ski hole isn’t a bad local pub, the staff are nice, and I’ve heard that the cool kids get tinnitus now anyway.

Lol jk I can’t hear anything any more.

If you’re ever in the area - stop laughing, that is unkind - be sure to shine a sausage in the sky and I will adjoin you and step through the mist - it’s car exhaust - into the mythical treehouse that sits amid the junction of two of the main arterial roads in and out of London. We will laugh up until the black lung takes us. 

CURRENT LENGTH - THIS WAS A BIG STEP UP AND THE YOUNGISH CONTENDER DEALT WITH IT BY GETTING A RUNNY NOSE BECAUSE THEY KEPT THEIR HEAT SO BADLY SO LET’S SAY 576CM

SAUSAGE RATING - THEY WERE INCREDIBLY GOOD VALUE AT £7.95 JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH FOOD SO I’LL SAY 6/10 BUT AT LEAST I WON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT EATING UNTIL AFTER LENT

[shxxtingstarss]

therapy no. 20

Today was a lot, but my therapist def gave me the time I needed - we ended up talking +15 mins longer than the appointment time because we wanted to look at why I am in a constant state of crisis since the beginning of the year, which led to my self-doubts and bc he wanted to make sense of these doubts/why they're there, we needed more time. I'm so lucky to have found this therapist with that time of appointment (the one before his lunch break), this way he sometimes offers me to stay in my seat for some more time if the session was emotionally.. a lot, and sometimes I can even accept that offer, most of the time it's just nice to know that I'm allowed to be at this place, in this room that provides safety somehow, with that person that I am able to trust a lot and tell a lot.. and so on. Today I had to tell him if he should prepare the request for long-time therapy (which would give me the option to attend therapy sessions with him up ~the end of 2023) and of course I told him to do so, but this time not just because I think it's the right thing to do, but also because I feel so - I never felt so safe to talk abt everything going on in my head with any therapist before, or everything that went on in my childhood etc.

So, today's session was about the ongoing state of crisis, the lowest lows of the last weeks, all my problems and insecurities and the instability in all parts of my life (my studies, my relationship, the friendships I'm trying to build, my living/housing situation, ...) and how all of it is connected to my deeply-rooted self-doubts, connected to me constantly asking myself what would be the right thing to do, if I did something wrong, if I am wrong... etc. But we also talked about how these doubts might have helped me survive in my past (ok not just might have, they definitely did) bc of the hopes I had to keep up that my situation would change to the better, but everytime it didn't, I had to find the 'problem'/error within myself, I couldn't blame the person that was actually the problem, bc I was so extremely dependent on that person (from the beginning of my life..). When we approached the 'why' as in 'why am I self-doubting myself so much' I was absolutely clueless at first, but after some thinking in silence my mother kind of popped into my mind - how I started doubting her promises in the last year due to the (good) influence of my partner. It seemed too easy to be true first, I even said so ('this feels like a pretty cheap explanation/idea, but...') - then we looked at it more closely and actually found a lot of stuff in my past with my mother, so the explanation/idea of my self-doubts helping me in the past came up and made a looot of sense actually.

Well, there's not a lot more to tell for today, the self-doubts together with my past made a lot of stuff come up to my mind in the end of the session, also situations where I wasn't just doubting myself but where my mother doubted my perception of reality, my needs etc, even tho the point where she told me I'm lying when I said I heard a ringing in my ear all the time and wanted to go to the doctor (I think she said sth like I'm too young to have tinnitus) - went to the doctor a year later or so on my own and guess what - of course it's tinnitus and bc we didn't treat it / did sth about it for years, it became chronic. (': Actually it was always the same when she doubted me, it was obviously true what I said/saw (her punching my brother, her punching me, her telling lies to other family members, ...) and she only gaslighted me all the time. Didn't exactly help my mental development in a positive way, lol.

[overwatch-shiz]

Hey yall, im just wondering

Do you guys know what tinnitus is?

Cuz I've been thinking about this one lucio comic i use as a meme for my friends and the first time I saw it I was like "does this artist think tinnitus is tetanus?"

And so, I decided to make a post about the difference.

Tetanus is when you get a bacterial infection from a cut or stab wound from some rusty object. It's legit caused by bacteria and results in stuff like lock jaw and other muscle tensing spasms. It's pretty deadly if it reaches your head. Most people get tetanus from stepping on rusty nails, which is why we get tetanus shots. Especially if ur walking on the beach at night with no shoes. Be careful.

Now, tinnitus on the otherhand.

Tinnitus is what I have for listening to music too loud in my dad's bass boosted 4runner monster truck. And I mean bass BOOSTED. He had 4 big subwoofer amps that took up the entirety of the truck bed, 2 mid bass amps that were behind the seats, and all the actual car speakers were replaced by bassy bassy bass handling speakers. (he also put these massive monster truck wheels on it so i had to step on the wheel to get into the truck, but thats beside the point) Now imagine that, my dad is half deaf, I'm 6, sitting in the truck, hes blasting his old gangsta west coast rap and funk. I legit had to put my fingers in my ears to clear out all the treble he needed to hear his music. (still do lol) That's how my life was from like 5-13 years old. So, as much as I love bass, I got tinnitus cuz I blew out some hearing thing in my ear. Thus I hear high pitched ringing or constant background static whenever things get quiet. I like it, it's my meditation, but my best friend (who also has tinnitus) cannot STAND IT. Whenever we're sleeping in a room together, they needa put on the tv or something because the high pitched whining is so intense that they can't sleep, they can't think. It's so bad that they go into rage mode sometimes.

So Lucio's "That's how you get tinnitus!" voiceline is about how he legit uses sound as a weapon. Think of his boop, his gun. HE LEGIT USES CONCENTRATED SOUNDWAVES TO ELIMINATE A PERSON.

So when you use his voiceline, be sure to know that the way you get tinnitus is from listening to really really loud shiz. You know that ringing noise that they put when a grenade explodes and you're seeing things from the perspective of the person that was near the explosion?

That's how you get tinnitus~