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heymeowmao · 1 year

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2023.05.01 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321324896663167697065

Happy May 1st!

LYN: Hallo everybody, good evening. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Welcome! LYN: Happy May 1st, International Worker’s Day.

C: Have you eaten yet? LYN: I haven’t. I’m not going to- we want to... be tough. If I don’t eat tonight I’ll be thinner tomorrow.

C: Are you going to a meeting? (bc of his look today) LYN: No, who’s going to hold a meeting on May 1st?? It’s vacation. Everyone’s out traveling, nice and happy. No meetings.

C: I knew you would stream today! LYN: How did you know? I didn’t even know, but you did? If you’re going to be like that then I’m going to leave. I just don’t like being seen through. I don’t want people to know what I’m thinking. I’m going to leave, then. Give you an unexpected surprise. Alright? Bye, everyone. Good night. C: You always stream for us on a holiday. LYN: No, I don’t~ That isn’t my intention. It just happened that we wrapped up earlier today so I came to stream. There’s no unspoken rule that I come to stream on holidays. We always meet, so there’s no need to meet especially on holidays. It’s not likely.

C: Gege, I’m playing with my friends outside. LYN: You play, then. Have fun. Since today is 5/1 and I know a lot of you are out having fun. I just want to remind you to be careful and obey traffic laws. Hold your bad tempers at bay. We want to be presentable.

C: How long with you stream for? LYN: Just a while and then I’ll log off. I can’t be here all the time, to give you the false impression that I don’t have work to do. How old am I, to be streaming day-in and day-out? We wrapped up work early today, so I wanted to come and chat.

C: Da-ge, where’s your hair? LYN: I shaved it bald. You may not know, but my internet handle is “Shaolin Shi (Four(?))”. I shaved my head bald and I’m wearing a wig. // This is a new wig, it’s not my real hair. I told you before, when I get off from work my hair is all flat. You saw it last time, didn’t you? C: What if I don’t believe you? // What if I want you to take it off to prove it? LYN: Believe it if you want to! Do you think you’re very important? I don’t care.

C: I’m watching your stream from the beach! LYN: Oh, my goodness. The vibes that must be giving. Wonderful. Thank you. LYN: Also, I grew up in Dandong, which is a popular tourist destination. Whenever it’s around holiday break season there are so many people in the city. I got used to it. That’s why normally around this time I don’t go traveling. One of the reasons is that there are just too many people. People, everywhere. Even if you go say, hiking. I remember once I tried going on 5/1 up to Fenghuangshan (Phoenix Mountain). There were so many people on the mountain it felt like standing in line instead of hiking. It didn’t feel very novel, so I usually try to go wen no one else wants to. These past five years I haven’t been able to travel anywhere, though. It’s fine; it doesn’t matter. Anyway, I hope that when YOU go out to play that you have a fun time. C: Then you don’t have a day off today? LYN: If you know me you would know... I don’t really have an impression of a “day off”. I don’t much care for all the holiday breaks, because from the moment I graduated from school I entered straight into society. I started out in the service industry, as a cook. I was a cook for a while, then served as a waiter. When you’re in the customer service business there isn’t really a concept of “holiday break”. Think about it- you’re traveling and you go into a restaurant to eat. I’d be the one serving you. I didn’t have breaks. I never have. Even when I was a sales clerk in a clothing boutique. These “holidays” actually gave us much more business. C: Did you get holiday pay? LYN: I’ve grown to this age and have never even THOUGHT of getting holiday pay. Not only are you not paid extra on holidays, if you ask for a day off they’re going to dock you. This is why I don’t have much feeling towards holidays, so I don’t think of wanting to going anywhere. I’ve been like this from the start. (First, because his family didn’t have the means and later because he was working.) Now I expect it even less.

C: Ning-ge, it’s my birthday. LYN: Your birthday is today, May 1st? What a coincidence. Then, you can imagine that today’s stream is especially for those celebrating their birthday tonight. :) The meaning is suddenly different, isn’t it? This stream is for everyone who is celebrating their birthday today. I’m giving it to you- it’s your birthday gift. LYN: Now, I will sing “Thirty Year Old Woman” for you. ~ She’s a thirty year old... never-been married woman~

C: Ning-ge if you go on variety shows you can travel every day. LYN: Friends, you might not have ever filmed for a variety show before, though I know that there might be some artists lurking in my stream. There’s definitely lurking artists or celebrities in here. I’m talking to YOU! I’m sure there are artists in here, but most of you probably have never filmed for a variety show before. You might think we go to some destination and play. Let me tell you- it’s exhausting. It’s not how you think it is. One episode of a variety show, when aired, is about 1.5 hours. But in reality we start recording at 9 or 10 in the morning and record until 9 or 10 at night. There are usually no breaks in the middle. Maybe you can run to the restroom at some point. But the cameras are pretty much rolling the whole time. LYN: So honestly sometimes doing a variety show is even more exhausting than drama filming. With variety shows you have to be alert at all times, since you have to have something to show for yourself, right? You have to contribute something to the game, but you can’t be too serious or else the netizens are going to say you’to too competitive. If you’re not serious enough, though, they’re going to say you were skimming by. That’s why while shooting a variety show you have to maintain that you have an alert brain and clear intellect. You can maintain your intellect for five or six hours but after 12+ hours you’re going to start to get hazy. LYN: You have to be sure that what’s coming out of your mouth is filtered. Otherwise once the show broadcasts, you’re going to may easily be cancelled. Do you understand? So, going on a variety show really is a tiring experience. Artists don’t have it easy, either. LYN: Sometimes after I shoot a variety show I get back to the hotel and I feel numb. It’s like my soul’s been sucked out of me. LYN: You had said that going to shoot a variety show is equal to going on a trip- honestly, it’s not. It’s tiring work and at some point you’re not in the mood to play around. If you really end up on some travel variety show then to you the trip becomes work. You won’t find it as interesting as you thought it would be. So.. I don’t think you need to rely on a variety show in order to go travel. It’s not worth it. Your main focus should be to go there to work.

C: What’s wrong with Daimi’s tummy? LYN: Nothing’s wrong with it, she’s just fat. She eats too much, is all.

C: Come to Zibo to eat bbq. LYN: I’ve heard that Zibo bbq has been getting popular lately and it’s really good. I don’t have the time to go try it, though. Also, Dandong’s bbq is pretty famous itself. In the crew we often marinate meat to grill. My marinated meat is really tasty. If I get the chance I’ll share the recipe with you. I’ll teach you how to marinate beef. I’l shoot a video and share it to weibo for you. You can marinate your own and grill it at home. C: I want the meat you marinated yourself. LYN: Why are you such a busybody?? I said I would share the way I marinate meat with you and you shoot back with, “I want to eat the one you made.” ??? What are you pretending to be so weak and fake for?? Are you an actor? If your mom buys 2kg of oranges home and give you two of them and tells you to peel and eat them, are you going to tell her, “No. I only want to eat the ones LYN peeled for me himself.” Your mom would slap you silly. Are you acting over there? Oh my goodness... LYN: Friends, just because of this one person, I won’t share my secret recipe with you anymore! Why do you want to eat the one I marinated myself? Do my fingers have a special taste to them? Or are my nails a “medicine” and you want to eat them? [t/n: ??? ew.] It’s not worth it. Why do you need ME to- /sigh/ I can’t with this.

C: As long as you don’t open your mouth... LYN: I know what you’re trying to say. As long as I don’t open my mouth, I look pretty decent. But as soon as I open my mouth my whole image collapses. That must be what they mean. When I don’t speak or am quiet, or if you mute me I look decent. But as soon as I open my mouth that image collapses. LYN: /sigh/ You must not know me very well. You probably haven’t seen me act, have you? But that’s right, it’s not like I’ve been on very many. You probably don’t have a strong impression of me speaking Standard Mandarin so listening to me right now... gives off the impression that I’m crazy. LYN: ~ Honestly, I can speak Standard Mandarin. And my voice.. can also change. I welcome all my friends to my stream. Today is May 1st. Thank you for accompanying me. This May 1st stream is dedicated especially to those of you who are celebrating a birthday today. You can think of this stream as my birthday gift to you. ~ LYN: ~ I want to recommend to you a new song of mine that been released. It’s called 云字诀 (Yun Zi Jue); the theme song of the drama The Ingenious One (Yun Xiang Zhuan/YXZ). The ending theme song. It’s May 1st and the drama has started airing. If you have the time, you can go to iQIYI and watch YXZ. ~ LYN: I’ll kill you with perfection!

C: Lao-da, don’t “pinch” (the tone). LYN: I didn’t “pinch” it. This is my normal tone. >.>

C: I was planning to watch tonight at 8p, but you started streaming. LYN: Don’t say such nonsense. What are you doing. There’s nothing to prove here. I told you to go watch YXZ, and you come back with “If you hadn’t streamed I would be watching it. But you’re streaming so I’m not.” Don’t- don’t throw me under the bus! Who am I?? You go watch yours, I’m not important. I’m definitely not as exciting. Go watch, it’s 8p. Don’t watch me. I only sang the OST. How peculiar.

LYN: I discovered another peculiar thing recently. Well, maybe not recently. From about a year ago I started noticing peculiar topic. I don’t know if you’ve seen it? “Hey.. these past couple of years why has it been the same people singing all the OSTs? If it’s not LYN, it’s MBY or ZS or ZBC. Why is it always them? We’re tired of hearing them already!” This topic came out of nowhere. And then! When a drama DOESN’T use these people they will say, “This company didn’t spend any money. Their production isn’t good enough- they didn’t find any of those people who sing OSTs. Their project is lacking.” What is it that you WANT??? Are you trying to drag us down so that you can bring your own singer up? It’s not necessary! As long as they are skilled enough they will eventually come up on their own. We’ll continue to do our own thing. C: Ge, of course you understand. LYN: I’m already a thousand year old fox, what old news are you trying to show me? (He’s been through the ups and downs of this industry already and has seen it all.)

C: It’s my first time catching the splendor of the live stream. LYN: It’s not that amazing. You can’t use “splendor” to describe my stream. I think that’s thinking too highly of me. I’m just a market. I only provide the goods and people can come and go and listen as they please. It’s just that basic.

C: 座无虚席 (It’s a full house. lit. “a banquet with no empty seats”) LYN: Are you describing my stream as such? Well, my stream never had seats (lit. “a place to sit”) to begin with. Where you’re sitting depends on where your body is and your own family means. If you have a nice house then you’re sitting on a 30K sofa. If you don’t have such a nice house then you might be sitting on a stool. But you’re still watching and wherever you happen to be sitting is the front row. It’s all front row seats- VIPs. LYN: There was a friend earlier who said they were watching from the beach, wasn’t there? That’s also very easy and comfortable. A lot of people like to watch my stream in their car. They’ll connect their phone to the car’s audio system and leave my stream playing with the car doors closed. It sort of feels like a movie theater. That’s quite a nice way to experience it. C: I’m sitting on the table. LYN: Get down! It’s impolite to sit on the table, get down from there. Some friends- C: I’m watching from a tunnel. LYN: That’s not necessary! Do you think watching in a tunnel will make the echo greater? it’s not worth it. Get out of there, the wind is too strong. It’s dangerous. Here, how about I create the feel of a tunnel for you? /adds echo/ Get out of there. Don’t watch from the tunnels. I can imitate the tunnels for you. Come out from there. That’s why, friends- C: I’m watching while laying down. LYN: That’s fine. You can watch however you want and wherever you want. You are the VIP. You’re front-row. It’s okay. C: I’m introverted. I need to watch in the sewers. LYN: You’re watching from the sewers?? ... Then, be careful down there. If you took the manhole cover off and you went down without closing it behind you it can be dangerous. First, because someone might step on your head. Someone can fall from above and step on you. That’s quite dangerous. Secondly, if you went down and DID close it behind you but then a car parks on top of it, you’re also in a little danger. Have you not watched Crazy Stone? You go down into the sewers to watch my stream and close the lid behind you. A truck parks on top. They finish off-loading their product and ends up parked there for a week. That’s dangerous, so please don’t go into the sewers to watch. C: Ge, I’m watching from Mount Taishan. LYN: It’s already past 7p, start your way down the mountain. It gets dangerous when it’s dark. Make your way down, quickly. Stop watching. If you’re making your way down the mountain, watch your step. Don’t look at your phone. If you do, you’ll be rolling down the mountain. Turn off your phone, watch the trail. C: I’m watching in my Maserati. LYN: Showing off your wealth??! C: I’m in a Ferrari. LYN: Good for you, for having money. How wealthy~ LYN: Alright, let’s skip this topic now.

C: I’m watching from in front of your hotel. LYN: Are you trying to ambush me? It’s rare for you to get a holiday break so why don’t you spend it shopping/wandering around? Stop squatting in front of my hotel entrance.

C: I’m watching from my 100+ sq meters bed. LYN: Your bed is 100+ sq meters? .... ??? .... My house is in 80 sq meters, and your BED is 100? Are you living in a dorm where the beds are all lined up against each other? The kind that can hold 200 people at once? Amazing. LYN: After you wake up from your 100+ sq meter bed, are there 18 helpers who bring you tea and pour you water, too? They tell you, “Young Master, it’s time to wake up.” So you stand up in the middle of the bed, and drive your Ferrari to the bed’s edge. (?) At this time, your personal butler tells you, “Your father has a 20B business proposal he would like you to accompany him to.” You smirk and show your 18-pack abs to your butler and tell him, that no- you have to work out today. You make your way to the gym. You realize that in the gym, there’s a pretty and refined looking girl already on the treadmill, exercising herself. At this time, you walk over, point a finger in her face and tell her, “Get out.” She replies, “Don’t think you’re all that just because you have money!” The moment she turned her head- you are addicted. It’s the first time in your life anyone has ever yelled at you in this way. Nobody has ever dared to contradict you. This is the first girl who has ever made you feel this way. You feel like your heart has beat 18 times. You call over your butler and you tell him, “I want all of that girl’s information in three minutes.” The girl says, “You’re crazy!” and leaves the gym. You want to chase after her, but you also don’t want to make yourself look so self-deprecating. You return to your room where the nanny who’s looked after you for 20+ years comes to check on you. She tells the butler, “I haven’t seen the Young Master smile like this in years.” C: Are you going to continue? LYN: There’s no need.... LYN: At this moment, three minutes later, your butler returns. He tells you the girl is some company’s artist- just a small actor. You use your family wealth to buy out her company. You want to be her boss. The girl is not impressed by your money, and wants to terminate her contract. But you have already had your legal team put conditions into place, where if she wants to terminate her contract, then she has to pay you back 400B. You take 500B and invest in a drama with her as the lead to butter her up. She is determined not to accept; she just wants to escape from you. C: 400B? LYN: That’s right! As a dominating CEO, you should have that sort of wealth. You’re going to use 400B to invest in a movie and find LYN to play your male lead, and the girl as the female lead. The important part is to have LYN also sing an OST. You take a bunch of money, throw it at LYN’s face and tell him- “Name a price. I’ll pay no matter what it is.” LYN: What you didn’t expect is for LYN to take the money and throw it back into your face and say, “You must be crazy. You think you’re all that just because you have money??” You’re stunned, and think to yourself, “This guy is so unique.” You want to be friends with him for life, because it’s the first time anyone has ever thrown money back into your face before. You turn to your butler and say, “I want all of this guy’s information in three minutes.” XD LYN: Alright. Change the topic. C: Is this allowable? LYN: What’s wrong with it? Can “brotherhood” not be filmed anymore? C: What happens next? LYN: Please watch the next stream to find out. C: You would have forgotten by the next stream. LYN: I won’t. C: Ning-ge, the two of us are brothers. Let’s film this together. LYN: /laughs/

C: Ning-ge are you at home? LYN: Erm... don’t pretend to care about me when it’s clear that you don’t. If you really followed me then you would know exactly where I am right now. But I’ll tell you- I’m not at home. I’m in Xiangshan right now. We’re filming- this is a hotel, not my home. No way is my house as luxurious as this.

C: Ning-ge, do you have a lifetime pass to play at Disney for free? LYN: Based on what? Why should I have that right?? I don’t have such benefits. If I need to buy tickets I should still buy tickets. Also- I’m not the type of person to take advantage of others. If they want to give me tickets to come play at their park, I tell them no and that I want to buy the tickets myself. I have to buy them myself. It’s not as if I am lacking the money, so why should I take advantage? Honestly. LYN: Last time I did a stream around Hengdian, right? I bought my own entrance tickets to all the attractions. But, I do have an actor’s pass and I would have been able to enter all the same with that. Still, I bought tickets like normal. I don’t particularly like taking advantage- if I need to pay, I should.

C: Ning-ge, turn off the background blur. LYN: It’s not on, this camera is just like this. It has a focus so everything else is blurred. Let me show you what it looks like if I really turned on the background blur. It looks like this. Do you see it? Even blurrier. Let me turn it off- there, it’s a bit clearer now.

C: You’re trending- #LYNHas18-PackAbs LYN: Did that Young Master from earlier buy this topic for me? He took 400B to come mess me up? LYN: Am I really trending, though?! I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to think about the optimistic outcomes. I don’t like when you tell me nice things, because I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed (when I find out it’s not true). That’s why no matter what I do, I don’t let myself have very high expectations. They’re still pretty high, though. Someone told me I was trending but if I pick up my phone and see that I’m not? I’ll eat my phone. I’ll eat this iPhone 14 Pro. Don’t trick me. I have a sense of awareness. LYN: Don’t trick me. If you really have nothing to do (活, huo2) you can chew on a lighter (火, huo3). This joke... if you don’t have "huo” (活, work, huo2), you can chew on a lighter to make “huo” (火, fire, huo3). I don’t really WANT you to chew on a lighter, it’s just an online expression. Don’t take that seriously and think, “Ning-ge wants me to chew on a lighter, so I’ll go do that.” Please, no. Calm down. C: What joke is this? LYN: People online say, “If you have no talent then go chew on a lighter.” You know, sometimes people are like that ~“Friends, come take a look, I’ll show you a talent!”~ and they take a bunch of lighters and just- bite them open. it looks terrifying! But that’s what they say online... It’s just an expression, and I don’t advise anyone to actually do it. It’s dangerous.

C: Daimi moved! Daimi moved! LYN: She’s only asleep, not anything else. Isn’t it normal for her to move, friends? Fam? Bros? C: Does she always sleep this much? LYN: What is the life of a little dog other than sleeping and eating? She doesn’t really have any dreams to pursue... It’s fine, isn’t it? As long as can happily live out her life. C: I want to be LYN’s dog in my next life. LYN: It’s not worthwhile. I might not even be a human, in MY next life. you don’t need to plan for your next life, just live well in this one. We can have a happy life together and that’s good enough. There’s no need to think about the next life.

-- 云字诀 (Yun Zi Jue), The Ingenious One (Yun Xiang Zhuan/YXZ) OST

LYN: The room’s too dry. I feel like my nostrils are so dry... I’ll drink some water.

C: /asking about TXJ/ LYN: TXJ? I know it passed the censors, but I really don’t know exactly when it will air. Probably not very soon, though. Passing the censors is one thing, when it will air is something else entirely. It’s not that it can air just because it passed. There’s still blocking to do. Another thing is... I haven’t sung the OST yet. Voice acting is done. It’s possible that they won’t use me for the OST, though. That’s also possible. C: I really want to watch your drama(s). LYN: Soon enough. It’ll air this year for sure. Nothing to do but wait, and hope that you can see it faster.

C: ZY is almost done right? LYN: There are several days left. Not more than 20 days left before it wraps.

C: Is 春花厌 (Kill me Love Me) real? LYN: /no comment/ LYN: That... what should I say...? You all keep asking... /thinking/ I.. I’m not going. It’s a great project and the script is good. But I’m not going. I’ll keep working hard. C: Is it so difficult to answer? LYN: No, because the project is really great and if I tell you I’m not going to be in it... It’s difficult in that if I say I rejected it, you’ll think it’s because it’s not a good project. But that’s not the case. It really is very good. I just don’t know how I should have phrased it. I am close with the producers and they really respect me. We have a good relationship. It’s just a hard thing to say. The fact of the matter is that I’m just not going to be in it. LYN: There are always projects that you’ll miss, or projects that come to look for you at the same time. The internet will always spread rumors, that this person will be in this project and that person will be in a different project, but you don’t hear an official response either way. I think this non-response is the correct way to respond. Because it’s just hard to say for sure. For this project the reason why I’m able to say I am not participating is because the producers are good people. But if there are baseless rumors, then I’ll come to refute them directly. If my studio or I didn’t receive any correspondence on a particular project that I am rumored to be in, I will come to tell you directly. It depends on the timing.

LYN: I was scrolling through a video platform one day and saw something really funny. I was thinking I would save the video and then play it during my stream so we can watch it together. Someone took my scenes from dramas I’ve acted in and cut things I’ve said during my streams into the clips instead of the original dialogue. For example, they take what I’m saying right now, and they put it over a drama clip. But it didn’t look out of place at all! I saw it and laughed so hard I almost pulled a muscle. I was thinking I should have saved it so we can watch it together- it was quite amusing. C: Bai Choufei? LYN: No, it was a Hao Du one! It was- Leyan asked me if Wei Shuyu had been captured and I replied, “What’s it to you??” I laughed so hard I almost died. C: I want to see it. LYN: Let me see if I can find it. Hold on. Let me play a song (while you wait). // It has a really high view rate! It was so funny... Ah, yes. It’s called “Rebellious Hao Du.” Let me see if I can download it. I don’t think I can. - video time! - (no audio that the viewers can hear, but ning-ge is amused) LYN: Oh, there’s no audio? /sigh/ Why didn’t you say so sooner?? /continues nagging/ LYN: How about now? Is there audio? Is there? Still no?? // ??? What does this mean?? - /troubleshooting/ C: Take your earphone out. LYN: It has nothing to do with my earphones! You think this is like on your phone? No that has nothing to do with the audio input... // How about this- does this one have sound? /plays a different clip/. This one does. LYN: What’s happening?? Let me adjust the settings. // How about now... still, no. I don’t know what’s wrong. It used to be able to play but I don’t know why it’s not working today. // Let me try again. /sound!/ It should be working now! Right? I don’t even need to ask. It’s working right? See, I’m a genius. I can do anything. LYN: Okay, let’s go. -- “Rebellious Hao Du” videos (aka if Hao Du spoke with Dongbei dialect XD) LYN: I really want to thank the person who put these clips together. I spent the other night laughing so hard I almost couldn’t take it anymore.

LYN: I like playing differently than other people, so I was also thinking of finding videos of people’s commentary on me, and we can watch together how they complain about me. Let’s watch what they have to say. But I was watching a video and as if targeting me wasn’t enough, they tagged a bunch of other artists in the video too. Since they mention the other artists, now it’s not convenient for me to play the video, since I don’t want to drag them down with me. I’m looking for a thrill myself, not looking to provoke others. It would be a show, for sure. LYN: It counts as being an anti but there’s a sliver of truth in what they say, after all. They were talking about my upbringing and stuff like that- which, is true. I just take it as entertainment. I want to know, other than that, what else they have to say about me. It could be a project. Later I’ll see if I can make it happen. C: They’re doing it for clout. LYN: What sort of influence do I have, that they can piggyback off of?? What do I do, that makes me so popular? Them and me, we’re basically in the same industry. I’m here streaming, and that makes me a blogger, doesn’t it? It’s just that I do everything- blogger, singer, actor. I sing OSTs and hold concerts. I have a bit of a bigger repertoire, is all. But from certain aspects we’re the same. C: As long as you’re paid, you’ll accept any job. LYN: What the heck are you saying?? I’m not like that! There’s no way I can be. Ever since I debuted up until now, I have not once accepted a single business proposal. Those give the most money, but I haven’t accepted any. For example a business opening, or a some brand event- I’ve never gone to any of those, and they pay A LOT. So what do you mean “as long as you’re paid, you’ll accept any job”?? LYN: I’m sure not many singers can say they’ve done the same. But, this is what I /want/ to do. This is how I’m unique. Even if I’m starving and can’t afford to feed myself, I wouldn’t take such a job.

C: Ning-ge, I have a question. Why is it that when you sing, you don’t sing a full version? LYN: I don’t need to sing the whole song. It’s not like I’m holding a concert here. If you want to hear a full version, you can listen to the recorded track. I sing here just to interact with you all. It’s just a small corner. Look at those variety shows- other than music variety- usually when artists sing on a variety show, they don’t sing the full song either. Our stream also goes the variety-show route, not the musical-variety show route.This is more of a slice-of-life stream. I don’t need to sing the full song. When I hold my concert I’ll definitely sing it all for you. In my stream all I need to do is hum along and sing a few lines, for the effect.

C: I want to hear a false tone, Lao-da. LYN: I don’t know- are you crazy?? I saw you spamming, and I don’t know what’s there to hear?? I’m speaking in a false tone right now! Huh? I’m using a false tone now. Does it sound nice? Do you like it? [t/n: Mickey Mouse...] LYN: This is a false tone, how is it? C: Is it Minnie Mouse? LYN: “You’ve reached the third floor.” “You’ve reached the fifth floor. Your room is to your right.” // If you go to the Disney resort, isn’t the voice in the elevator like this? C: It’s exactly the same... LYN: If you don’t believe me you can go look it up! The voice in the elevator at the Disney resort. Then you’ll know how similar it really is. C: Sounds like a monkey. LYN: This is Minnie Mouse’s voice. C: I’ve never been. LYN: When you get the chance you should go experience it. Take a stroll around and check it out.

C: Now I can listen to your stream and sleep. LYN: You’re sleeping at 8:30p? Are you getting up in the morning to exercise? Or is it because you’re on break, so you’re getting up early to go hiking tomorrow? Collect some dew? Alright. Go to sleep.

C: I haven’t lived there before. LYN: The Disney Resort, honestly, is a little expensive. Normally- like the last time I went, it was for an event. I went to Disney to sing, right? So they arranged a free accommodation for me... so I was able to... give it a try.

C: Talk about your new variety show. LYN: I haven’t been on any, so what’s there to talk about? Usually, if I were currently shooting a drama or a variety show, I would come back to tell you fun things that happened to me during the course of recording. But I haven’t been on any varieties yet and I’m still currently shooting the drama. If I had anything to share, I would share about the drama.

C: Have you determined your next drama? LYN: Nope. I already said earlier, right? It’s not like the world owes me. There’s no way work can come to me, one after another. I don’t have the right. I haven’t determined my next move. LYN: I was THINKING I would... take on a variety show. To rest a bit and work on my songs. That’s what I was thinking but if there’s a project that I like too much then I might still accept it. I’ll skip the variety and take the drama instead. LYN: The other thing is, when I’m acting- I don’t really have a lot of experience. I have a few scripts but haven’t had a chance to look through them yet. I wanted to take a look at them when my mind is more quiet. For the ones that are in a rush for decisions, I’ve skimmed through them and have turned down the ones where the timing or something else doesn’t work out. There’s still a group I haven’t looked at yet, so I haven’t decided my next drama. Let’s not rush it. If it comes down to it I can rest for a while and do two variety shows.

C: Are you considering modern dramas? LYN: Of course. I intended on accepting a modern drama. They take a lot shorter to film- around 100 days. Also I’ve six dramas waiting to air and five of them are guzhuang. I was wondering if I should switch it up- do a modern drama before coming back to a guzhuang drama. But if there’s a guzhuang drama that I really like, I will still choose it. That’s just what I was thinking... so of course I will consider modern dramas. C: What about suspense-dramas? LYN: Of course. I myself really enjoy suspense-dramas. If any really great script comes for me, I can definitely consider it. LYN: With acting.. there are still circles. If you keep shooting guzhuang dramas and people keep seeing you in them, they tend to keep you in mind for guzhuang dramas. If you always shoot modern dramas, you’ll get to know a different set of producers and start moving in that direction. It’s not set. But right now I haven’t really done any modern dramas- other than the one with Tao-jie. Modern-day scripts really haven’t come in for me as much as guzhuang drama scripts have. LYN: Another thing is- my dramas haven’t even aired yet! You might get the feeling that I’ve been shooting dramas for a long time. From debut until now, it’s almost been five years- I’ve been shooting dramas for three and a half years, maybe four. In this time, including ZY, that’s 10 dramas. Can you imagine? I’ve already filmed 10 dramas. I was just running through it the other day and was amazed it added up to 10- supporting and main roles included. Not counting cameos. I’ve filmed 10 dramas, but only four of them have aired and I’m a supporting role in all of them. If I want people to take an interest in me and use me for their projects, it needs time. After three to five dramas, people only start getting to know that you are acting, and the suitable roles will come in. Not because I’m amazing- only that I am suitable for the role. - /runs through his whole drama repertoire again./ -> RXSN (HBY) > ZJBJ (UN) > CGX (TLB) > SYXSSYX (Heroes)

LYN: The standards people nowadays have though.... as long as the drama doesn’t explode in popularity it’s considered a flop. If they haven’t seen it, it means the drama is a flop. Another thing is that maybe the drama, in a certain period of time, is the highest ranking drama- But no, in the viewers eyes it’s a flop. Because they don’t think the drama is as good as... Empresses in the Palace (2011). They don’t think it has the reputation that Nirvana in Fire does. It’s just a flop- there’s nothing you can do because that’s a subjective criteria. Honestly, a lot of dramas do really well for themselves. Otherwise why would we keep making them?

LYN: Not many of my dramas have aired, but when they do I think they’ll just be average. I’m just a rookie actor, after all. I’m happy enough to be able to act at all. That’s already a gift from god. If it turns out to be a role people like, then I should light an incense to thank all the viewers. I’m just a singer- no- just a cook. A cook that was able to make his way around until he could be an actor and a singer. It’s a life I never could have imagined for myself. I’m extremely happy to even be able to act. If it’s a role that people like, on top of that? I’m over the moon.

LYN: I don’t think I saw properly, but I might have seen someone just say, “Then it’s time to make dinner, hometown friend.” You’re from my hometown? And you want me to go back to cook... how about not? Honestly, I admit that I didn’t have much of a talent for cooking. I think the best I can do for myself- the highest level I can reach is as the head cook in a ramen shop. If you want me to rise ranks in the chef ladder I don’t think I can get very far. C: Then, do you have talent as a singer or actor? LYN: Of course not. I have even less talent there. I don’t have talent- I rely on my hard work. Not that I’m trying to boast about how hard I work! I just want to say that I don’t have much talent. People tend to ask me if I had a knack for singing and I want to say that no, I don’t. My talent is “liking to sing”. I was able to get to where I am today not because I have talent in music itself but because I like to sing. I really like it, so much so that no one can stop me. Acting, too. I like it but I don’t have talent in it. It’s just a passion. LYN: I watch people acting every day and then I find a secret corner to practice in. I just like it. Sometimes I wonder if I have a mental problem. I’ll be in a corner /acting out a scene by himself/ and someone sees me- I look at them, then pretend nothing happened. Sometimes you’ll see leaks of me on set and I have an “abnormal” expression, to which you say, “Ning-ge’s immersed in the role. He hasn’t walked out of the scene yet.” I’m not actually that serious, I’m just thinking about how I should execute the scene. Or I’ve just seen someone else act something and I want to remember it so I’m processing it through my brain, trying to get the feel for it. I’m not yet to the point where I can get so immersed in the scene that I can’t walk out of the role.

LYN: I’ll tell you something I’m not afraid of being shamed for. With every drama and every actor I work with I always think that there is something I can learn from. I have room for growth. Every director, drama, and fellow actor I have worked with/on- will give me reason to grow. This isn’t a shameful thing. The first time I shot Heroes- it was the first scene on the first day of filming. The director was Li Muge; we weren’t close then, it was our first time working together. If I remember correctly, the first scene we did was when Hua-popo took in Xiaoshi and I, into her house. LYN: Is it lagging? // It was just for a second, it’s alright. It’s a problem with the computer and the connection. It’s okay. It passes in a second. LYN: That was my first scene, and even then I didn’t quite know how to act. I told you before- once you enter into a drama crew and start filming, there’s no way you are in character starting from your first scene. You haven’t been able to build rapport with your fellow actors yet. Even with dancing- there’s still rehearsals and practices, right? On the first day of filming everyone is a stranger and you don’t know the director’s style or the acting style of your fellow actors. On the first day of filming I was a little dazed. LYN: We had a scene that night, it was coming from the small yard of the place Xiaoshi and I were living in. It was the day Fuzi had been killed by Guan Qi, and we had attended his departing ceremony. We left the house and SMZ and I were outside and we exchanged a few words. That was my first time shooting- the first day on set. So I acted, and I was serious about it. I’m a fairly stupid person, so I did some homework beforehand. I had gone over it with my acting coach, about how the scene should play out. SMZ and I did the scene. When you first enter the crew, you’re going in to get used to the working environment, too. After that scene the director said, “Let’s go again.” I didn’t know any better, so I just acted it out again. After that, the director said again, “Okay. That’s good. Let’s do it again.” I did it again. We shot that opening scene three times. After that third time the director told me, “You... did those three takes the same way each time.” I said, “?? Yes, I did. Because you didn’t say the first take was no good. You didn’t tell me that’s not what you wanted...” “I thought my profile wasn’t handsome enough so you wanted to adjust the lighting and find the proper angle, to make me look more handsome. That’s what I thought.” Or “Was the lighting bad just now, and you were looking to get a better shot so you wanted me to act it out three times. It turns out that’s not what you intended...” LYN: I wasn’t familiar with him at that time. Every director has their own style. At the start we didn’t have any chemistry. But he was the first director to point out my problem. From that moment on- It was a lesson to me. That was my first time filming and it was a blow. My first scene and he gave me such a blow- it was a blow to ME- because I- - /stops mid-sentence because the stream lagged and he’s waiting for it to catch up/ LYN: It wasn’t exactly embarrassing. When we’re working on business or doing something for work, this is a normal occurrence. But for me, that was a blow because suddenly I felt all this pressure. From then on I would require myself to think of at least two ways that I can play out a scene. If one way doesn’t work out I’ll change it up for you. I’m not trying to praise myself- I’m just saying that that drama made me practice and have the ability to give something different. If one way doesn’t work, I’ll change. If that change doesn’t work, I’ll change it up again. LYN: Director Muge knows how to pick actors. He himself is a performer; he understands acting. When he gets to the set he always says to me, “Ning, come here. How do you plan on acting out this scene?” I’ll tell him, “Director, I thought about this scene for a long time. For this scene I’ll start off sitting here and calmly say my lines. After that, at this part, I’ll pour myself a cup of liquor. After I down it, it’ll go to my head. I’ll start following the feeling and speak until I don’t have breath. At the end of the line, I’ll pour myself another cup and catch my breath. Later, I can use a drunken tone and then eventually, it will reach a climax where I can give it everything I’ve got. After I give it my all, I’ll pause, let the flow return to normal pace, and end with a smirk. Director, what do you think? That’s how I was thinking of acting it. Is it okay?” The Director says, “Okay. Act it out just how you told me. Then, give me something different.” /sigh/ /hiss/ I’ve already wracked my brains for that set-up alone, you know? I’ve even lied on my bed and thought for a whole hour about when I should stand and when I should sit, when I should push it, and how to close out the scene. I thought about it for an hour. Then the director says, “Okay. You do it just how you told me, and then- give me something different.” Saying and acting it out is two different things. I was just telling him what I was THINKING of doing, but if you really wanted me to act it out as I said that’s a different story. Not only do I have to act it all out the first time, I have to also think of ANOTHER way??? How do I do that?? LYN: But sometimes after I shot the first take the director thought it was passable and didn’t make me do another. I tell myself that I must have given him a little surprise. Or perhaps he had a sliver of satisfaction, so he let me pass. But from then on, my communication with the director went like this- before we start shooting the scene we’ll do a walk-through and the Director says, “Ning, come here. Tell me how you plan to act out this scene. What have you got?” and I tell him, “I don’t have a plan. Director- I haven’t thought about this scene. Why don’t you tell me how you want it? Give me advice. Surely you know better than I do. How many years have I been and actor and how many years have you been a director? You surely know better. Give me a good direction. Director, it all depends on you now.” The Director says, “Okay. Do this, this, this, that. etc. What do you think?” to which I reply, “Okay. No problem.” Then- “Director. Based on what you’ve told me, I have a new idea. What do you think about this-” I won’t tell him what I think first. I want to know what HE wants. If he gives one way and I give my own thoughts after, then we have two ways the scene could go, right? LYN: A drama crew is like a mini-society. If you want to survive then you have to think for yourself. That drama gave me a lot of training on cognition and how to develop my own thoughts. Every day in the Heroes crew was like taking a test. My mind was spinning. It was tiring but really helped me to develop. After that drama I clearly felt like a different person coming out of it. XD

-- break #1 (upstairs neighbors are fighting)

LYN: I’m back. C: The connection isn’t good. LYN: Yeah, it’s a hotel and not very stable at this time. Also, everyone’s using it so it’s normal that there might be some lag. // The upstairs neighbors aren’t fighting, they’re watching YXZ. It aired today- May 1st. I thought they were fighting. - /calls Daimi back to the sofa/ C: I thought you were on the top floor? LYN: What do you care?? I changed my room.

C: Ning-ge, when will you act in a xianxia drama? LYN: Hey, now that you mention it... I used to have a fear of xianxia dramas. I told you this in my last stream, too. I am someone with a strong sense of logic. It might take me some time to digest the worldview of a xianxia drama. Not to say that I don’t watch or that I don’t understand xianxia dramas. LYN: I enjoy playing Chinese Paladin; I’m a gamer at heart. I’ve been playing since CP3, and now I think it’s on CP7? I’ve played every installment, so I am amenable to the xianxia genre. But if you want me to act in one, and say those lines... I think... the thing about lines is that I have to believe what I’m saying. I’d need some time to get used to it. But I sang the OST for CYJM/TtEotM, so I watched a bit. After watching, I suddenly thought I might consider acting in a xianxia. I was moved by it. I used to be afraid of them, but after watching the drama I thought it’s something I want to try. LYN: I think the special effects are really cool. You can just be standing there and all this magic happens around you. - /adds his own sound effects/ LYN: I think it’s cool. I can give it a try.

C: You have to have a strong sense of belief. LYN: I think it’s alright. It’s not much different than acting normally. It’s the same, really. Let’s think about “normal” guzhuang dramas, like wuxias. When you are acting as a dead person, are you really experiencing death? No- it’s all in your imagination. You have to imagine what it would be like if you were dead. You have to believe that you are dying in order to properly act the right condition. It’s the same. Just like how in a lot of xianxia dramas you’ll be consumed by demon energy- /acts it out/ “Quickly, kill me! While I can still control it. Trust me. You have to kill me!” Things like that- you’re acting it out yourself. That’s having a sense of belief all the same. It’s like how in wuxia dramas and you’ve been poisoned, and need to act out being on the verge of immediate death. /acts/ “This baozi.. is poisoned!” /dead/ It’s all acting. It’s all the same. LYN: The only difference that I can think of is that many of the scenes of a xianxia drama are shot in front of a green-screen. Actually, normal guzhuang dramas do use it a lot as well. It’s not like we don’t use it at all. Wuxia dramas aren’t all real-terrain. We record in a green/blue-screen tent, too. It’s all the same. I think the “sense of belief” is similar. Of course, I’ve never done a xianxia drama, so I could be wrong. But I get the chance I do want to try experiencing it, and I can share how I feel about it with you.

C: /trying to tell him to watch what he says/ LYN: I really don’t think you need to try to teach me how to be a person and how to speak. You really don’t need to teach me. I know you mean well; you’re afraid that I say something wrong and am cursed by the masses again. I know, I understand, and I am aware. But this is a stream, and this is my style. If I didn’t say anything and I just sat here smiling/laughing then this stream would be meaningless. Alright? Just keep me company, that's all you need to do.

C: When are you going to do a Republican detective drama? LYN: I wasn’t thinking of... I’m good with anything. I’m not looking to so any genre in particular, mainly if the script is good enough, anything is fine. One thing is the script, another is who the director is, and who the production crew is- those are all very important. The actors, as well. It requires some comprehensive considerations. It’s not as if I can just accept ANY drama of a particular genre that comes my way. I’d exhaust myself. LYN: There are always going to be things that come your way that are unreliable or that you don’t like. Sometimes when you read through a script it doesn’t coincide with your principles, whatever they may be. I believe that the script is extremely important. Unbelievably important. People like to comment on an actor’s performance, but the script is really the foundation if you’re looking to build a tall building. If the script isn’t good enough then anything you try to build on top of it is unlikely to work out.

LYN: With some stories when you reach a certain point in the scene where everything is working out and no words are needed, the actors shouldn’t say anything. But it’s written in the script that you have a line of dialogue. So as an actor, do you say the line or not? When you encounter a Director who is clear-headed, that’s okay. Of course, all of the directors I’ve met are all very clear-headed. This is what I’ve heard from fellow actors, at least. If you meet a Director who doesn’t know what they want... how are you supposed to act? They tell you to stick to the script and even though you know the script doesn’t make sense, you still have to follow it. What can you do? That’s why... choosing a script is the most important part. C: The actors can’t change it? LYN: Of course, they can but only to a certain extent. Actors can only- Oh no, I’m getting too deep. It just- It depends on each director and crew. It’s a difference in personality. Some dramas won’t let you change a single thing about the script. Not even one word. Some directors are very strict about it. For example, if the line goes, “Have you eaten yet?” (你吃饭了么?), but you say (你吃饭了吗?) It’s no good. Retake. There are directors like that. C: Can you change lines in ZY? LYN: ZY... our director is very prolific thinker and the actors I’ve been working with are all very mature. For some scenes we’ll get together for rehearsal and we’ll try to make it fun. For example we’ll get through what we need to say for the script and then try to think of ways we can add onto it. Something funny or something that’s out of character- we have the creative liberty to do that. It’s different with each drama you enter- the actors are different and the director is different.

C: Ning-ge, why don’t you do a horror movie? LYN: People have been telling me to do that since very early on. I guess I must look like a ghost. /sigh/ I won’t. Because I’ll be scared, myself. Also, have there been any horror movies lately? No.

C: Are you considering comedies? LYN: Comedies... of course. They’re the most difficult, though. I heard the director say something the other day that I thought was very reasonable. He said “The most expensive actors in this world are comedians.” I thought about it.. and I think it’s reasonable. They’re hard to come across. LYN: I didn’t say that- the director did. If you want to fight me on that, then I won’t fight you. These actors are hard to come across. It’s not something you can accomplish just by having a handsome face. That’s something entirely different. C: Ning-ge, you have a talent for comedy, so why don’t you try it? LYN: That’s not true. You might think I’m very funny but it’s just surface level. You might think that some of the topics I choose to talk about in my stream are interesting/amusing and it’s enough for a variety. But if I wanted to be in a comedy than it’s far from enough. On a variety show you can continue a joke or make a quip but acting is totally different. Forget about acting- even if you’re just standing there and giving a small talk it’s a difficult thing. It’s not so easy. Really- for every industry, every profession needs to be looked upon with respect. That’s important.

C: Ning-ge, act as a villain. I’m begging you. LYN: A villain. I can do that. I also like- rather, enjoy - acting as a villain because I think you can bring more into it. There’s more of an acting range; you can play with it more. I like and can accept villain roles. C: Don’t act as a villain. I’m begging you. LYN: Look at that, these two are about to fight. One side wants me to act as a villain and the other doesn’t. /sigh/ It’s fine either way, because I don’t have the right to choose. It’s others who need to choose me. I accept whatever comes. I don’t have a lot of choices. LYN: But when I acted as the villain BCF I was cursed by a lot of people. After I acted as BCF, I saw a lot of comments that were saying they wished LYN went out and got struck to death by a car. They’re so cruel. They watched the drama and became agitated, You can tell just my looking at the comments. It’s not worthwhile, alright?

C: It’s because you acted too well. LYN: Don’t try to sweeten me up. When you go out- and I said this before, too- don’t go around praising me acting skills. What young actor would dare to praise their own performance? You wouldn’t find one. Of course, I am not very young anymore. But don’t praise my acting skills. I don’t have any. It’s my honor if you are able to like the role I’ve played in a drama. C: Then I won’t praise your acting, I’ll praise your visuals. LYN: /laugh/ Do you WANT me to die??? Are you trying to mess with me? LYN: I can only say that my fans have confidence. They have said that I’m handsome- that’s okay. But they’ve never GONE OUT and said it. My fans have never gone out to opening praise my acting or my visuals. They keep it to themselves and that’s okay, but they’ve never gone out and openly praised me. Also, I’m my own boss so I can make my own decisions on how I decide to promote. I am very clear that I have never gone around promoting my appearance before, have I? Even with my streams I always go the self-deprecating route and call myself ugly. We’ve never gone out to push my visuals onto people, right? I think that’s just fine. I have confidence in myself and I know that my fans have confidence in me. It’s enough to have this tacit understanding among ourselves. If you think I’m handsome, just say that in your own house. Please don’t go outside and feel the need to share with people. “LYN is so handsome!” It’s not necessary. LYN: I also advise fans of other people not to going around praising someone else’s looks, either. There’s nothing to say, right? [t/n: just stating the obvious, if someone is handsome. people have eyes, right? but also beauty is in the eye of the beholder.]

LYN: But then I got to thinking... what artist out there DOESN’T have some unflattering pictures of them, right? What artist in this industry has never had a bad shot of them? I was thinking about this, so I went online to look it up. I searched for four hours and have yet to find an answer. C: You sure have a lot of time. // You even looked it up online. xswl. LYN: You really believed I did? XSWL. [t/n: xswl = 笑死我了 = I’m laughing to death.] LYN: The “four hours” I mentioned was a topic that took my brain four seconds to make up. Your perception of time and mine are different. C: You could have used those four hours to stream. LYN: “Four hours” was my brain taking four seconds to think about the answer to the question “What artist doesn’t have unflattering pictures?” . . . . Who dares to say that they don’t? I can find a bunch for you immediately. What’s unfair about it. I might have a but more than most people, is all. My pictures don’t even make a splash, they make an explosion. Other people might pop- like a piece popped corn- just a small ripple. My pictures make an explosion- like using a popcorn machine to fry crayfish. They’ll explode all over the walls. Nothing but ashes and dust left. LYN: No matter what drama or variety show I end up on... I am never going to match up in terms of visuals. I admit it and I’ll own it. Please do not go around praising my visuals. If you like how I look then you can entertain yourselves with it. We don’t need to get more people’s recognition. Fish find fish. Shrimp find shrimp. A tortoise is likely to see eye to eye with a mung bean. We count as having seen eye to eye. There’s nothing else you can say. (Unlike popular opinion) You think I’m handsome. That’s okay. I thank you for that. LYN: These past couple of days I keep seeing pictures of what I looked like five years ago. Every time I come across a video of myself from 4-5 years ago, I am thankful to my fans. When I see one of those videos I say, in my heart, “Thank you to my friends. Thank you to my fans. Thank you to my family.” 4-5 years ago I was just a... just a baozi. I had swollen eyes and when I smiled it was like a mantou exploded. I was a male artist with a belly. Looking back on it now my hairstyle and my clothes... seemed to be lacking. Whenever I see old videos I always think to myself, “Why didn’t I think I was ugly back then??” Why didn’t I ever consider losing some weight or something? I was just satisfied as I was. What was I thinking? I know that you think I have developed quickly, but I think I was too slow. I should have started considering being more self-conscious the first year I debuted. I should have tried to make an effort to improve my appearance more. Maybe my development would have been even smoother than it has been. I’m very thankful to the fans who have stayed with me from then until now.

C: I like how you were before debut better. LYN: You can like it however much you want but I’m not going back. The old street in Dandong is still there. If you want to go there to play, you can go by yourself. I’m not going back. I can’t change my life just because you liked me better that way. You like what you like. It has nothing to do with me.

LYN: I didn’t consider myself handsome back then, but I also really didn’t put as much effort into my appearance as I probably should have. I just thought, if I were going on a show, that I would do what I needed- apply some makeup, do my hair, choose an outfit. Other than that I didn’t have any standards for how I thought I should look. I didn’t think it was something I should pay much attention to, because I was just a singer. If you’re not on stage then most of the times you’re in the background. Unlike an actor, who is constantly in front of the camera. Singers aren’t the same- we might only show our faces occasionally but otherwise we’re all just sitting around at home.

C: But back then you were really close with your fans. LYN: Am I not close to you now? If I’m not then why would I be sitting here? What am I doing, why am I streaming? Ever since I’ve debuted I believed in this one thing: You may not know where you’re going but you have to remember where you came from. Sitting here streaming, having the mindset I do, posting to weibo and the group chat- these are all things I can never forget. LYN: But if you mean the method by which I communicated with you, it’s not suitable anymore. (Streaming on the street in Dandong, having his fans crowded around him.) It’s not the same circumstance anymore. It’s not as if I can just chat with you while I am on the drama set, now. I can’t stop to chat if I see you. I came here to work. LYN: The “close” I’m talking about is the familial “close”. Why are you like this. Just like how a child is close to their mother or father. Not the “kiss” type of “qin (亲)”. This is why we can’t communicate. The “close” I was talking about was in reference to RELATIVES. “This kid is close to his mother.” not “This kid went to kiss his mother.” You people, really...

C: Lao-da, I just got here. Are you wearing a wig? LYN: You just got here. And? Who are you trying to announce that to?? Don’t assume you are very important. LYN: It is a wig, yes. :) LYN: You just came in and you have the guts to announce it? It’s like greeting your teacher when you’re tardy. Tardy is tardy. And you’re going to call yourself out for it?

C: The lyrics are gone again. LYN: You’re so interested in learning?? You came to learn English? (bc the current song is Charlie Puth’s Loser)

C: Why were you wearing this same shirt in the last stream? LYN: I can’t afford any more. Are you satisfied with that answer? It’s because I can’t afford to buy any more. I can’t survive. LYN: I’m in Xiangshan, how many clothes did you expect me to bring??? I wasn’t planning on bringing multiple sets to stream for. I was just thinking I would bring something I could be comfortable in. I’m not at home. If I were, I’d have clothes to change into. Why would I bring a bunch of clothes out with me? It’s not like I’m a model or anything.

C: Is your leg okay now? LYN: It’s pretty much okay now. I don’t feel anything from it most of the time. It still hurts when I run, though, so I haven’t been doing much of that. I don’t run. In terms of normal walking, it doesn’t affect me at all. Please be reassured.

C: Ning-ge, I’ve applied to be in the fan group so many times already but I’ve never been admitted. LYN: First of all, if you want to be admitted to my fan (chat) group you have to be subscribed to my weibo. If you haven’t done so yet, then please do. The second thing is... not everyone who applies is admitted. Mostly it’s fans of me, only. For example if you like three people at one time, then it’s not really appropriate. Of course I welcome you to be my fan, but it’s just not appropriate to be added to my fan group... because in there we share a lot of secrets. If you’re in three fan groups at the same time our moderator is going to have a hard time. C: Liking three people at the same time? LYN: Honestly that’s very normal, isn’t it? It’s just like that hardcore fan earlier, who said “I watched TtEotM and think LYX’s so handsome.” We all know he’s handsome. Now that they’ve watched the drama they can’t be considered my one and only fan anymore. There’s an 80% chance they’re already a fan of LYX now. They’re double-booked, now. It’s normal. There’s nothing you can do about it. LYN: Many of my current fans used to be fans of someone else. Times are changing, is all. For a lot of you here, can you say I was the first idol you ever started chasing? No, right? It’s normal. People come and go, I know. But I still can’t accept (when my fans leave me).

C: I watched TtEotM and started liking LYN. LYN: But I’m not an actor in it??? Did you see a toad in there? You saw a toad, thought it looked like me, and therefore started liking me? If you have that ability, I guess it’s okay, too. // I wasn’t in it... Oh! You mean the opening theme? Don’t you all have VIP access? You can skip the opening, can’t you? All you hear is /sings the last words/ “Episode 1″ . /sings the last words/ “Episode 2”. You only hear the last two words. C: I don’t skip it. LYN: .... C: After you skip there’s only one word. LYN: Right! I said it, didn’t I? What, you started liking me after hearing a single word? With most people it’s “love at first sight” but with you it’s “love at first word”?? LYN: There was a person who said they don’t skip the intro, but didn’t someone earlier say they started liking me after listening to the opening theme... This is a paradox. If they don’t like me, why WOULD they listen to the opening? Why don’t you just like me directly? There’s no need to say you like me just because you listened to the opening. You can skip the middle part (listening to the song) and like me from the start. When I’m explaining things like this, are you able to keep up? [t/n: like this: (Viewer > Listens to the Opening > Likes LYN) vs (Viewer > Likes LYN)] C: Maybe this friend doesn’t have VIP membership. LYN: ... !! /thinks it over/ When you put it that way, it’s reasonable. Someone said they didn’t skip the intro and I was wondering, if you were all VIP members, how could you not? But then someone pointed out that this person might not be a VIP member, and that makes a lot of sense. But the thing is, friends, do you have a finger? You must, right? There’s another way, which is called the progress bar, and you can put your finger on the screen and gently move it, right? [t/n: if you have a touchscreen...] You can PRETEND that you’re a VIP. Do you think that’s a possibility? LYN: The benefit of a VIP membership is that you don’t have to take the extra effort it takes to move your finger. It automatically skips the intro for you. But if you’re not a VIP then you can manually skip it. In either case, you can still skip it. It’s not that just because you’re not a VIP member you have to watch the intro with your eyes wide open. If you close your eyes the video pauses, and when you open them it plays again? It’s not that the video only plays when your eyes are open... C: I’m mesmerized by the singing, I become unable to skip. LYN: You know what? There are some friends in here who really know how to say sweet words. I’m half-worried that you’re actually scammers. You speak TOO well and it makes me feel so nice. Really. You’re all here to fool me.

C: Can I watch the drama if I’m not a VIP member? LYN: Why are you asking me? Do I look like the platform’s customer service agent? Go try it yourself! Why are you asking me?? Just go on Tencent and Youku and take a look. What are you going, treating me as customer service... Shall I introduce you to the terms and conditions when purchasing a VIP membership? What your benefits are and how many times you can make a comment? C: Ning-ge, I’m waiting for your dramas to air before I purchase a membership. LYN: That’s okay. That’s your freedom. You don’t even have to purchase one when it DOES air. But please try. Support the drama a little.

C: Ning-ge is starting to sass us. The right feeling is coming back. LYN: I don’t think so? I talk back at you every time. But maybe I’m a little more relaxed today than usual. It is a holiday, after all.

C: When will TXJ air? LYN: I don’t know. I saw some article the other day, I don’t remember which one, but it said that ALZ would air on 5/14. C: For real? LYN: Probably... I don’t know. But after I saw that article I almost started to believe it, myself. C: Didn’t you say it was going to air soon? LYN: I am also a viewer, okay? Even though I work in this industry, I still don’t know anything. I don’t know when dramas will air or what’s going on with them. I really don’t know. Even if I DID, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I can’t become a gossip blog. LYN: I’m GUESSING- just by my calculations- I get the feeling it CAN air in May. After TtEotM, it can probably air. That’s just a possibility. I swear I am not privy to any insider information. I’m just a viewer, making my own calculations. What follows after CYJM (TtEotM) is either going to be HX (Back from the Brink) or ALZ. I might have this little bit of prior information only because I’ve already recorded the OST for both. When I sing the OST for things, about three days before the drama airs they’ll let me know about it. For example, if I am in a drama they’ll say, “Xiao Ning. Our drama will be airing on MM/DD. You’ve sung the OST for us, right? So would you mind posting about it on weibo?” They’ll tell me these things beforehand. I sang the OST for YXZ and they told me beforehand that it would air on 5/1. It’s like that. So... LYN: If I’m remembering correctly, I did sing one for HX. /laughs at himself for possibly misremembering/ Well, there are only so many dramas in this industry. If I get the opportunity to, I just sing.

LYN: People always ask me what my M-I-T-L (MBTI) is. I really don’t know. Is that the personality thing? I don’t know if that’s how you say it- I didn’t quite catch it when it scrolled by. I treated it as a game and tried finding out once. I forgot what my result was. Even if I remembered, it’s not like I would tell you. Don’t ask. LYN: MB- what is that? MBTI- Or something? MBIT? Whatever. I know it was pretty popular for a while, and everyone was testing for it. I tried it twice and the results were different each time. I’m not sure if it’s reliable. You can test for fun, but you can’t base the decisions you make for your future on this. Your fate is yours to decide. You’re a rebellious young person. You don’t believe in ghosts and gods, and don’t trust humans. LYN: These things you can do for fun, but you can’t use it to determine your decisions. There’s absolutely no need. You can take a look, but think of it as entertainment. If you’re willing to believe in it, then you can.

C: Ge, control your accent. LYN: Do I speak with an accent? No, right? Am I not speaking Standard Mandarin? What I’m speaking right now- isn’t it Standard? It’s very typical isn’t it? You’ve heard me speak like this when I’m shooting my dramas, too? /starts reciting some of his drama lines/ Do I have an accent? I don’t right? It’s very well pronounced Standard dialect. C: If you really act with the dialect the director would go nuts. LYN: ? No. For the character setting in itself, I’m a person from the North. I’m set in the North and Qiao family is set in the South. I’m in the North, so I’m a Northerner. More of the sturdy, tall, manly type. I’m a Northerner in the drama, so is it a problem that I have a Northern accent? No. It follows, right? If I were shooting a xianxia and I had an accent, then you can pick one me. This is just a normal guzhuang story. What, is there some rule that states that fictional people in a fictional time aren’t allowed to have an accent? Says who?? C: Then it’d be too difficult to communicate with the FL wouldn’t it? LYN: No? It’s not like she’s speaking Shanghainese... We’re just speaking Mandarin that’s not exactly Standard.

C: Are you going to be on Mao-Xue-Woof soon? LYN: I don’t know. We’ll have to see when the drama wraps first. If it ends and I have some time I’ll go to play. I’m close with the two of them (MBY & LXQ) anyway. I was telling SZE, when filming wraps, I suggested we go together. She might not have the time so we can’t go together, though. If she can’t go I’ll just go by myself. C: Ning-ge, is it for free? LYN: Is what free? To what are you referring to? Do you mean to ask if I would appear on their show at no cost to them? It’s not free. If they don’t let me I’ll bribe Xueqin- I’ll buy her some nice meals- and she can let me appear on the show through a back door. It’s not free. There’s no such thing as a free meal in this world. I’ll buy her two roasted ducks for lunch and ask her if she’ll let me be on her show.

C: I’m going to make a wish- a wish that Ning-ge can be in a xianxia drama. LYN: You don’t need to use your wish on me. Save it for yourself. It’s not worthwhile. Treat yourself better. That’s the more important thing.

C: I’ve heard too much of the bgm. I’m "sick” of it. LYN: Oh my!? I’ll change it. Let’s switch to something quieter. - /plays Detective Conan - Ran’s theme music/ LYN: This. This is very quiet, no? // We’ll just use it as background music. Let’s chat. C: Play the main theme. LYN: Do I have a main theme? Based on age... it would probably be 讲真的, right? But if I have any of my own.. I don’t think so. Even though I know that there are songs that people like very much. But the song that really started getting me known was 讲真的. It let my name be known and got many people to know of me. I don’t have any of my own songs that can serve as a main theme. They’re all just alright. They’re considered representative works, but the song that got me known is a more unique category. It’s what the song brought to me, that let me make a change.

LYN: Friends, I’ve been learning a rap recently. Well, not “learning” exactly. When I stream, a lot of you ask me to sing rap so I was thinking I would learn one that was suitable for me. I heard this one and thought it was quite nice. -- 成仙 (Become Immortal) - 王朝1982 LYN: What do you think? Why are you typing question marks??? In your minds is this not considered rap anymore? Oh my gosh~! C: Don’t (sing). It’s too noisy. - /continues playing the song/ LYN: This doesn’t count? Then why don’t you tell me what type of rap is ideal, for you? I’ll go learn. This, to me, is already very hard. C: Wang Sulong. LYN: WSL... I CAN sing but the problem is there are no backing tracks online. LYN: /sigh/ Alright, then. I learned for nothing. I won’t sing. It’s off-putting. Fine. I won’t sing. I spent 4 hours to learn a song and I was preparing to show it off to you today. Here you are telling me, “What is this?” and “Wow, it’s too noisy.” Now I’m not in the mood anymore. I won’t try.

C: Try something different. LYN: Um... I do know another! LYN: Does this count? If this doesn’t count, it’s another song I learned for nothing. -- 范进中举 (Fan Jing Zhong Ju) - 卦者灵风 (Gua Zhe Ling Feng) LYN: Does it count? // Alright, alright. You don’t need to try to comfort me. That’s another four hours gone to waste. These two songs have wasted... 8 hours of my life. They’re (the songs) not useful. I guess I am not suited to rapping.

LYN: Let’s do this one. I’ve heard it a lot recently. -- 别叫我达芬奇 (Don’t Call Me Da Vinci) - Xiao Gui LYN: Oh, not this version though. The one I heard the other day was a rock version. If there’s no track for it then we’ll forget about it. // It was this one. -- Don’t Call Me Da Vinci (punk ver) LYN: Oh well.

C: You don’t have to force yourself to rap. LYN: No, I keep looking for a song to sing because there’s something I haven’t gotten to show you yet. It cost me 20RMB and I wanted to find a song so I could show it off. But now it seems like I can’t find the right opportunity. I don’t want my money to go to waste. I was planning on showing you a prop. But with these two songs you’re telling me you’ve never heard of it (1) and you don’t like it (2), so we’ll just forget it. I was looking for something different that is still suitable for showing it off. LYN: I don’t know any recent songs, because I haven’t been learning them. I have nothing to show. C: You don’t need to show it off if it was just 20rmb... LYN: I don’t want to feel like I wasted my money by not showing it off! // Hrm... there’s really nothing that works. It has to match with the style of this thing! Is there any electronic music, like EDM? I guess I have to search for DZW-laoshi. C: How about you just go with the first song you were trying? LYN: Nope. You didn’t like it so I won’t sing it. Now I’m looking for something electronic. Let me see if there’s anything that’s suitable... -- 阳光彩虹小白马 (Sunshine, Rainbow, White Pony)

C: Twenty minutes have passed and you still haven’t started. LYN: Once I start streaming it’s going to be for at least a few hours; how else do you expect me to pass the time? // At least my stream is free! LYN: I didn’t prepare well enough today. Sorry, friends. It’s a little rough-going today. Alright. Let me just sing one at random, but if doesn’t quite match the look I’m going for we’ll try something different. What should I sing, though?? ... If it doesn’t match then I feel like that’s also a waste. How about this. It should be fine. -- Faded - Alan Walker

LYN: What do you think friends, was it worth 20RMB? Just tell me if it was worth it. LYN: Everybody! When I say, “One, two, three, four!” I want you to get hyped with me, ok?! LYN: Everybody are you ready? If you’re ready, say it with me now! One, two, three, go! LYN: Welcome to my party. Thank you. LYN: Disregarding everything else, wasn’t this 20RMB worth it? If I didn’t show this off today I would have felt like I spent this money for nothing.

C: The lighting is a little lacking. LYN: It’s good enough. C: Does it hurt your nose? LYN: It does. Just the slightest. A tiny bit. LYN: Are the lights too bright? Did you really think this was a dive bar? C: Can you see? LYN: Barely. I can barely see you typing. It’s just a bunch of little white dots floating by. I can see, more or less. It’s not important.

C: Ning-ge, that looks like a headband. LYN: .... I can’t talk about fashion with you. When I first started the stream someone said that I was wearing a bathrobe. I really can’t discuss fashion with some of you. You just don’t get it. /sigh/ This is a Chinese-style article- can’t you see these sleeves? It’s a long robe. And you’re calling it a bathrobe??

LYN: Alright. It’s about time. I’m going to stop streaming now, friends. I still have a bunch of scenes to go over tomorrow. I thank you all for coming and keeping me company. If you still haven’t subscribed to my weibo, please do so. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. If you have time you can come to watch me stream. LYN: I’ve been streaming for a long while now. Let me check for how long... Three hours. That’s enough. In any case, I needed to show off this 20RMB before I signed-off. I needed to show it, otherwise this money would have felt wasted. I needed to show you. Whether or not I’ll use it again is a question for another time. Most of the time I use something once and I can’t find it the next time.... so I needed to show you this as soon as possible. To give you a... futuristic vibe. How do you say “未来” in English? Future. LYN: I hope you had a relaxing, happy, and wonderful night. It was great to have you and I hope you had fun. Let’s meet again in the next stream. Goodnight, everyone! LYN: Daimi! Daimi, get up and greet everyone. It’s time to get off work! Bye bye.

#Liu Yuning #lyn livestream #(3:08:33)#topics:#where do YOU watch lyn's streams from?#lyn storytime #the chaotic bi energy #(also the l'oreal stream on 5/8... there was a part... my mind went straight to the gutter)#(srry ning-ge)#reaction (?) vids/funny edits #drama chat

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pbandjesse · 7 months

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I had jury duty today! I did not get to be on a jury but it was so close! I was literally one number away, I was next in line!! Wild. Today was a lot of waiting.

It wasn't a bad day but it did start in a pretty stressful way. I woke up around 630 after not being able to fall asleep until almost 2. I just laid there since I didn't have to be awake until 7. But then James came in and they were like. Your alarm didn't go off! Your phone won't turn on! And they were just so stressed. I was trying to figure out what was going on but also I was not awake yet and trying not to melt down.

I walked James through how to log into my tablet to get my jury info so I could have that on my tablet if my phone wasn't going to work.

I went and got dressed and once I was ready we sat down to see what was up with my phone. James kept saying they would go get me a new one and I was like that is not productive if we don't know what happened to this one. And thankfully we were able to find a reddit post that said how to get it to work and it did work. Held the power button down for 30 seconds and it came right back. Fully charged. No idea why it has a frozen black screen. Bizarre. At least that was solved.

James drove me to the court house. I liked my outfit a lot today. And it was a good choice for today. It was stupidly cold. I could have worn more layers when I was outside but for in the court house I was very comfortable.

Getting there before 8 as absolutely the move though because I got in and got through the line and paid so quickly. They give you $30 now. And everyone was pretty nice to me so I wasn't as anxious as I have been in the past.

I got a seat in a good room. And read for an hour. I was doing a pretty good job of reading, then scrolling on TikTok, then doing some emailing and searching for other houses for us to see. The offers for the house we saw on Sunday were due tonight. And we got that in right at the end of the day. So that's up to the universe now, but I wanted to have some more to look at if this one doesn't work out. Can't fall into despair!

At 830 the first announcements would happen. The TV screen was incredibly loud. To the point where people were all covering their ears and someone tried to figure out of the screens had volume control. It was a little unbearable. Eventually it would get lower but the announcements were horribly loud.

They played two movies today. Hidden figures and the new Annie. I think they play Hidden Figures every time I have been at jury duty. It is always a good watch though and I enjoyed it extra with all the older black women having a running commentary the entire time. No sarcasm, they were a delight to listen to.

A group got called a few minutes after 9 but not my number. I just tried to be comfortable and read. My legs were aching a bit and my nose was very dry which made me sniffly. But I was alright and it was not a bad morning. I was hoping I would be called to a jury but no luck before the lunch break.

I decided I wouldn't leave because it was cold outside. James had packed me snacks. I went to the bathroom and washed my hands and was surprised how packed the little bathroom was. But it was fine. Washed hands, walked the floor a little, and went back to the room.

The break went until 145. And since they weren't playing the movies anymore I had quiet to read my book. I have less then 100 pages left but I got a lot done. Honestly the end here is stressing me out really bad so I'm finding it hard to read it straight through. I keep reading a little and putting it down for a few minutes. It's hard when the main character is the bad guy.

When people started coming back the movie would come back on. And pretty quickly they were calling another group. And I was in this one!

About 150 of us were called to go to the second building across the street. We had to turn off our phones and it would be a very long process.

The walk over wasn't bad. It was surprisingly cold.we had to go upstairs and went to a fancy room. Probably trh fanciest one I've been in.

This part took a long time. First they had to call all of our numbers. Remember there are at least 150 of us. So that took a while. They there were the questions. And the once all the questions were answered we had to go up to talk to the judge and give our answers if we said yes to anything.

I had to say yes to two things. First that I had served in a jury in 2018. And second that my sister was in jail. The judge asked what her charges were and after I told her I said "she was sort of a gangster" which made the defendant laugh. So I got an accused attempted murderer to laugh so that was pretty great.

We were back there from 2 until 530. This was pretty rough. I chatted with the guy who sat next to me. And with some people around me. I would read a bit. I secretly turned my phone back on to check in with James. They were coming to pick me up but we're just waiting in the car somewhere and I felt bad. But they said it was all good. And they would take me to dinner after they got me.

The part where groups had to stand up in front and the lawyers got to say yes or no was interesting. But took forever. They would both agree on someone and then a few minutes later change their mind. I really wanted to be on the jury. But no dice. The guy who had the next closest number to me went up and was chosen and then it was over. I was only slightly disappointed.

I let James know I was free and they let me know they would meet me at the corner. So I made it outside and was really cold!! But I didn't have to wait long.

I was very happy to see James. And they were happy to see me. We talked about the offer on the house. And the excitement and my feelings about people's opinions. About how I feign flightiness but I don't actually do anything without planning things out and making sure I have thought them through. James says that my Ed didn't raise a fool. Which made me laugh.

We went to five below for dinner. And it was good. We are peanuts and talked about moving and work and the holidays. We are our food and tried the seasonal sodas. It was fun. And then we went next door to get a dessert. James got donuts and I got a milkshake. I chatted with a mom who dropped her tissue pack. And me and James kept pointing at the ice cream flavors and saying "that's you". Just being silly.

We got home and I was super thrilled to be back. I felt gross and would take a long bath which made me feel a little better. But being in bed was the biggest help. And that's where me and James are now. I painted my toes. James tried to bake their bread but the oven wouldn't turn on. We will contact Tina about that again tomorrow because it seems to have gotten worse. Which is unsafe.

Now though it is time for sleep. I am looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. It has been so long! And then we have our ceramics class. It will be a long day but I'm looking forward to that.

Sleep well everyone. Be safe and be kind.

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frogsandfries · 9 months

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I'm only three letters of the alphabet in and frankly stunned at how little information I have actually saved. Some of these documents are multiple hundreds of pages, most over a thousand and on their way to two thousand! At the same time 🤔, they are just straight text from AO3, not yet typeset or imposed PDFs. But I have a good number of fics that I am presently, as of this evening, unable to save and clean up duplicates and move around. The log pages just aren't gridded in my notebook. It looks like I may be able to spend way longer filling this thumb drive than I initially anticipated. We'll see once I start loading it with my own imposed typesets. I think I'm mostly just a little confused by how small text documents are compared to my usual format of png's or jpg's.

I have to run some errands tomorrow evening, but I think I'll try to get at least a couple more pages in this log gridded. Ugh........I would have just waited till I could do a little more experimenting with what's wrong with my printer, but I didn't want to wait to print my fic log, and my fic hoard was starting to feel like someone just threw a bunch of books in a bunch of boxes and told me to figure it out but with no space to do so. The log makes me feel like I have the space to figure it out.

Besides, my G2 bled through this paper (don't judge me, in school, my dad would only buy me crystal bics), so something tells me, if I don't want to find some kind of solution (correction tape comes to mind), I'm going to work through this notebook very quickly, which is just fine by me.

We had a fun incident in my building today. The fire alarm went off for the first time since I've been here. According to someone who's been here seven years, it goes off "all the time". Which, okay, kinda, yeah. In the other buildings. I hear it pretty often around me during the day.

I packed up my cats though. I ain't fuckin around. I had my shoes on, keys in my pocket.

Also, the treat basket on the door seems to have worked pretty well. I had mostly filled it and it's about half empty now. I brought it in for the evening. I didn't even hear people taking candy, not that I was really thinking about it throughout the day.

My neighbors are going to exhaust me with their unnecessarily loud stupid fucking noise on a fucking Sunday night like PLEASE do all of your neighbors a favor and get a better hobby.

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livingwithlosingyou · 2 years

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Living with Losing You - 8/19/2022

Just Keep Swimming.

When you were in residency (and you were struggling) I found this little Dory figurine, and told you to “Just keep swimming”. Well, when we moved into the La Mesa apartment, you happened to put it up on the light in the bathroom. We never took it down. When I am struggling sometimes I will go in there and look at it as a reminder that you’d want me to keep fighting. You want me to live the best life I could ever live.

I really didn’t sleep well the night before, since I wasn’t feeling well. Though I honestly don’t feel like I ever fully sleep through the night ever. It’s gotten worse since you took your life.

Anyway, I ended up waking up at around 5:30am and talking with your mom. we always have good conversation. I am excited that i’ll be in Kentucky in a week! I am really trying to rest up to make sure that I am healthy for that trip.

After that I forced myself to get out of bed (this was painful, literally), made a smoothie for breakfast, then quickly logged into work to inform my team that I was unwell and that we would need to move things around, etc, I had to reach out to a few other employees as well. Things have really been tough to catch up on since I have been out. I hope everyone understands that I am trying my best, it’s really all I can do right now given everything.

Fortunately, I was able to take a 45 minute-ish nap into the early afternoon. I was feeling pretty exhausted, and did wake up with a fever. It’s been a mix of chills and sweats with consistent body aches and throat pain, etc.

After that I decided that I needed to actually eat, so I made my way into the kitchen and started eating my GF bundt cake. I quickly realized that while this was delicious, I needed real food. I ended up Door Dashing my lunch again today. I decided to get Pho and and banana smoothie. This was a great choice. The soup definitely helped my throat, but I also decided to try and drink a couple cups of tea. Let’s just say that it somewhat helped but still is very sore.

I did end up reaching out to my PCP because I thought it was strange that I had such sudden onset symptoms that were so similar to COVID. She advised me to go into urgent care to get some testing done, so I did.

I ended up coming back negative on a rapid strep test, the flu test, and the chest x-ray looked normal. While this is good news, it does not explain what I am currently struggling with. They really do not think it’s the COVID rebound, and believe it’s just a random virus. They did not want to PCR test me for COVID because it wouldn’t necessarily answer any questions since most people who have contracted it test positive anywhere from 60-90 days.

Luckily this was a shorter visit, as I just so happened to come in at a time where they really didn’t have much of a wait time. I drove straight home after so In could let Sadie out. She was so good today with just being chill and matching my energy. Also could be since she has two crazy back to back days at her puppy camp. It was interesting, because she started smelling something that had been yours, and slept in the chair that you used to love for the first time (that I have seen) since you passed. It was really sweet.

I ended up talking to Mark (another great conversation), facetimed Bri as she gave me a tour of the new Farmer’s Market lay out (not as effective as the prior lay out, said it and meant it), and watched some new shows.

I really am trying to just be still and rest today. I was able to get through the third book in the grief book series that Heather gave me. Those books are really good at keeping me in perspective, and giving myself grace. One more book left!

I am currently sitting in bed, and am likely going to try and get some sleep here soon. There were some tears today, but not breakdowns. Even if there had been, I would have been okay. I just have to keep manifesting the good. Even when it feels like all is lost.

Even though I am slightly feeling better, it is very unlikely that I will be able to go to the Padres game tomorrow. Especially with still having to be on medication to keep the fever down. I am also extremely bummed that I am missing the boy’s first race in the morning. I really had been looking forward to this weekend. I had lots of plans, but little did I know that the universe / God had a different plan for me. I need to be better about being still, I get that. I am undiagnosed ADHD, but I think I have it.

Anyway, James, you will always be so loved. I promise I’ll do what I can to “Just Keep Swimming”.

Please send prayers for quick healing and trusting in the Lord’s process.

I included a few pictures.

Rest in Peace, James Burton Nichols.

10/1/1993 - 7/16/2022

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promiseiwillwrite · 2 years

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A Good Day with Anxiety

When I first started coming out of Years of chronic depression, I noticed I was having some anxiety again. It had undoubtedly been there all along, because I started having it before I was ten years old. But right before the Pandemic, it came back, like a long lost uncle... A Creepy uncle, that no one was really looking for all that hard.

The Pandemic ensured that Anxiety plopped down on the couch in my Guest house and lived there Rent Free for more than a year. I had spent so much time and effort learning to vanquish the Dragon that was my Depression, that it was quite a new experience, having to fight swarms of "Tito the Anxiety Mosquito". My only previous experiences were from 5th grade.

I got my ass kicked.

It was exhausting, and terrifying, and it is what made me go back to therapy. Because I felt like I'd Really Gotten somewhere with the depression, felt like I'd started to have control of myself and my life, only to see it slipping away again because of this new (old) menace.

Not without a goddamn Fight. I wasn't about to just lay down for some squeaky little assholes.

Today was one of the days at work where I was really set up for some 6-8 out of 10 level anxiety. On Monday, I went out on a limb and asked my boss for an extra week of vacation. I nearly dropped my teeth when she said yes. But that could be an indicator of how much better my job is now than what I had two three years ago. Retail is unkind to humans who need work/life balance.

I have since been scrambling to plan a vacation a week earlier than I thought. I have had to tie up time sensitive work projects a week early, and cancel an important one, because I just won't be here to take care of finalizing it. I have been trying to pay bills, and get the house in order and arrange for a sitter. I started a block schedule to keep all my tasks straight, and in one place. Also, because I never do anything the easy way, I actually did some research this week and decided to start doing 2 nights worth of Meal Plans a week, and watching calories again.

You can see how it seems very reasonable for Anxiety to rear it's head. When I got home, on day two of my Intermittent Fasting with Calorie Restrictions, I got some Roaring Hongries. I Very seldom feel hunger until the urge is strong enough to interfere with concentration, because periods of scarcity in childhood sort of muted the urge. It was bad enough that I knew I didn't have time to actually fix a meal, as I had intended (we have some easily Insta-Pot Stuff on hand). I ate one of the little Prepared Factor Dinners, which I normally save for lunch, instead, because I could have it in three minutes.

In the space of time between observing that I was so hungry that I couldn't wait and that Food coming out of the Microwave, Anxiety bull rushed me. I was pinballing around the inside of my own mind urgently, trying to think of what to do next, and trying to remember, and breathing fast.

And so I walked out the back door and I looked at my Zinnia. I have a really weird Zinnia that got leggy because of reasons involving Holocene conditions in my back yard until Mid July. It has a pale yellow flower. I was able to breathe again.

I had enough space to see "Oh, This Anxiety is happening and it is pretty intense. I need to slow down and try to do things one at a time."

I took my food out of the microwave, sat down in the floor, and ate my food, one bite at a time, chewing well, and slowly, while my podcast was finishing up. I concentrated on my food. I got broccoli with Garlic, and Ricotta Meatballs, Marinara sauce, and Zucchini spaghetti. Delish, and only 510 Calories. I logged my food, and had a teeny bit of wiggle room left. So I went to the garden, and devoured some blackberries.

By this time, my anxiety was at 6 instead of 8, and I was feeling okay. I got out my block schedule, I paid a bill, I decided we didn't need water tonight because of heavy watering the previous night, and Rain today. I took a minute to appreciate that my partner did something he has Never, in our entire 14 years together done. He asked me to help him with his laundry.

I know that would annoy some people. But It made me so happy. I felt trusted and useful. Our Dryer is broken, and he's having a game thing tonight. I checked the dryer, which we thought he had temporarily fixed, but the drum had stopped turning again. I hung all his shirts on hangers in the bathroom, so nothing would mildew. And I had grabbed Just the Right Amount of hangers randomly out of my closet for each shirt in the basket.

I had a few small, positive interactions with some Tumblr mutuals, and reblogged a cool video with a crow for one of my new friends.

And I looked at the 50 minute Bike ride, the last thing on my list, and I decided to do a shorter, less intense ride. And while I was riding that ride, I realized that I had Done it.

For the first time since Anxiety came back, I fucking managed that Shit like a Boss.

I felt so proud. I have been working really hard to get to this. I kept being almost there, and then losing my shit. But this time, this particularly stressful time, I did it. I rode the wave.

I have cried a little. It seemed so far away a year ago. I know I won't get it every time. But I don't need to get it every time. I can learn to get it Most of the time, and That will meet my needs. And this is proof of concept that I can and Will be able to manage my anxiety effectively in the future.

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elysianslove · 3 years

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secrets that you keep; iwaizumi hajime

synopsis; in which his best friend is secretly a camgirl. part 1, part 2

pairings; iwaizumi hajime x fem!reader

genre; smut

trigger warnings; i highly recommend reading the first two parts before this. they’re only drabbles that introduce everything! anyways, this is absolute filth. don’t read this if any of the stuff mentioned could trigger you, please! masturbation, camgirl stuff, one mention of the word ‘daddy,’ self choking, degradation, humiliation, dacryphilia, unprotected sex, creampie, a lot of choking, accidental breathplay, not proofread unfortunately

she knows.

does she?

it’s an ongoing inner battle he’s been having for weeks now, ever since he’d been directed to that trending video of yours. he sees you in his dreams, hears you loud and clear, moaning and crying for him, and worst of all, he feels you, so perfectly, against his, around him, and it’s overwhelming in the worst way possible. even maintaining eye contact is tiresome at this point.

but he does wonder whether you know or not, more often than he should— were you deliberately calling out for him, in hopes that he’d find this video somehow? or had you said it because you’d assumed this is your safe place, that there’s no way he’d be able to find these videos? had it been a slip up? or, more accurately, multiple slip ups? what were the chances anyways, that it had been an accident, or unintentional, or intentional and he had been losing sleep over it, or that he wasn’t the hajime you were crying out for?

his heard hurt. awfully. there’s already the constant worry of regulating his breathing around you and cleansing his thoughts of anything he’d seen of you the moment you meet, but this added dilemma is in no way helping. every day that you text him for a coffee date, or a night out after a rather stressful week, or a night in at your apartment, and he agrees, his mind diverts immediately to where it shouldn’t as soon as he lays eyes on you. and the worst part of it all is how aware he is of how wrong this is. he knows it’s wrong to choose the revealing shirt over the other when you ask him for his opinion, just because he wants that effortless glance at your cleavage. it’s also so wrong of him to give a higher rating to that obscenely short dress than that other, knee length one because of the way your thighs squeeze when you sit. it’s definitely wrong of him to offer clasping your anklet, the one he’d gotten for you, the one that had been the dead giveaway to your secret online persona, just because your legs feel so soft against the rough pads of his fingers, when he resists the urge to trail upwards, upwards, upwards—

it’s fucking ridiculous.

he can’t believe just how deep of a rabbit hole finding one of your videos is, how it’s impossible to climb out and away, and even worse, how he keeps falling deeper. the one time he decides to jerk off to porn. it’s really ridiculous.

about a week ago, three weeks after finding that video of yours someone had uploaded— which had been taken down because of copyright, and hajime personally thinks that’s fair, considering there’s a reason you pay people to watch your videos and look through your photos, otherwise you would’ve taken the liberty to post everything for free yourself— hajime gives in, and subscribes to you. it’s with a randomized account name, something he tried his very best to make as anonymous as possible, so that it would in no way lead back to him. he doesn’t check in on your account as often, also having taken the time to turn off notifications and not have anything sent to his email, and it’s mostly out of shame. he already feels dirty enough having seen this much of you, even more that he’s fantasized about you. he’s not about to make it worse for himself.

every once in a while, though, especially days where he’s sure he’s completely free of responsibilities, he logs on, and finds your page. it just so happens that tonight, you’re hosting a live stream. swallowing his pride and shame, literally so, he shifts on his bed, sitting up straighter, and clicks to join.

he’d been a little late apparently, because you’re already bare, sitting on a chair. your legs are lifted up, knees bent and hooked over the chair’s arms, the camera angled to show everything, from your cute eyes to the flesh of your ass. there’s a vibrator in your hand, buzzing lightly as it hovers by your clit, dipping between your folds, sliding back up again to rub lazily at your clit. beneath you, on the chair, is a small damp spot, leaking from your cunt. hajime stops himself before his jaw falls slack at the sight of you, and instead, he clears his throat, gritting his teeth and watching carefully.

you’re not so talkative during your videos, just exclamations of pleasure and (the most beautiful of) noises, so he hadn’t expected you to be during your lives. to his surprise, you are, and it’s filthy.

whimpering lightly, you press the vibrator harsher on your clit, your other hand traveling up to squeeze at your breast. “m’so needy,” you admit with a soft pout, adding, “want you to tell me what to do, mmh.”

he’s assuming the ‘you’ is the audience, whoever’s willing to speak up, and it’s then that he notices the chat option. his eyes flicker curiously to it, hands twitching where they sit fisted at his lap as he sees the chat explode with orders and commands and suggestions for you.

one writes, stuff urself full, and hajime gapes.

another commands, wanna see u cry tn, and hajime privately agrees.

someone else writes, gonna squirt princess?

hajime’s hands twitch again, and he frowns, digging his nails into his palms. you’re ignoring all the suggestions, and it’s obvious because you’re reading through them, mouthing some of them, giggling at some, curiously gasping, ‘oh,’ at others, eyebrow quirking. the vibrator trails down to your hole again, and you experimentally dip it inside slightly, shivering visibly as the vibrations rush through you, and the moment he hears you moan so loud, he thinks, fuck it, and his hands reach for his keyboard.

choke yourself.

fuck, fuck, fuck, he did not just do that.

his heart is racing embarrassingly fast beneath his ribcage, loud and pathetically deafening in his ears as he watches your eyes read through the rest of the messages, and you’ve stopped mouthing them, your eyes are widening— which one are you at now? are you just going to ignore him? why wouldn’t you? of course you—

“you’d like that, huh?” you teasingly slur, a lazy, cheeky grin painting your lips, your teeth biting down on your lower lip and your hand— your hand—

it’s trailing upwards, upwards, upwards, until it finds its way around your throat, resting lightly, and just as he sees your fingers squeeze at the sides of your neck slightly, carefully, you pout at the camera, looking straight at him, and asking, “like this, daddy?”

a low fuck wheezes past his lungs, and his hand quickly presses down at the bulge in his sweatpants, squeezing and rubbing at his clothed dick as he watches you, entranced. people watching you with him have taken to thanking him for the idea, and to praising you, calling you a good girl, cursing, rapidly typing out something along the lines of you’re so hot i wanna fuck you so bad, and god, hajime hates that he relates to something as stupid as that.

your hips roll and your head falls back, hand not once leaving your throat. if anything, your grip tightens. you click on the vibrator, and the buzzing becomes louder, your moans with it, as if you were competing. you cry and gasp and sob, writhing in your own hold, your thighs tensing and your hole clenching around nothing as you harshly rub the vibrator against your clit. your cunt gushes and drips as you bring yourself closer to your orgasm, as you cry out a string of, “m’gonna cum, so close, so close!” and a mixture of lewd curses, until finally, you cum. you’re sent over the edge, legs swinging on the chair, high pitched squeals falling from your lips— which hajime can’t decide are real or not, or whether he wants them to be or not. you thrash and cry, tears, as promised to some other watcher, dripping down your cheeks.

the last straw however, is your comedown from your high, sobs hiccuping and muscles twitching, eyes half closed and body limp as you mewl out, “hajime, hajime, hajime,” like you’re not even aware you’re doing it. like it’s subconscious.

hajime swears again, a deep, low, “fuck,” and looks down to find a damp spot on his lap. he really came from barely any friction, all because of you. this really is as ridiculous as it gets.

the next time he sees you, there are the faintest of bruises on your neck. it’s not so obvious that just anyone would notice, but ever since becoming hyperaware of everything that is you and everything that you do, it’s hard not to have them be the first thing he sees. to ensure that the atmosphere between the two of you remains easy, he flicks at your neck and tuts with a smirk, asking you jokingly if you were in your hoe phase.

“so vulgar, hajime,” you sarcastically retort, teasing him. “you like calling me mean things?” and he has to avert eye contact because all his walls crumble so quick.

it’s just the two of you tonight, in his apartment, all your other mutual friends having cancelled at one point or another. it’s not an unusual occurrence; more often than not, the two of you are alone. however, it’s been a while since you’d been alone, privately. a while meaning ever since hajime had discovered your side hustle of a sort. he hadn’t been purposely avoiding this— no, maybe he has, but to be fair, he’s still yet to recover from the initial shock.

it also doesn’t help that since today had meant to be a relaxing night in, you’re dressed casual, but in the hottest fucking way possible. he hopes he hadn’t been blushing as hard as he thinks, and feels, he was, when you’d first stepped into his home. on your hips is a short, black skirt, flowing out to your upper thighs, where just above your knees start a pair of dark thigh highs, squeezing at your thighs and accentuating your legs as you strut around his apartment, feet bare of any shoes or slippers. he can’t decide whether it’s cute or just plain hot. somehow, with you, it’s both. your shirt is off the shoulder, a dark, navy blue bardot, and beneath it, peeking out to rest at your collarbones, is a black bralette. he can barely just see the intricate lace designs, but it disappears and dips beneath your shirt before he can see more of it.

you’re spread out on the couch, laying along it on your stomach, a pillow tucked in your arms and beneath your head, your clothed legs bent and swinging up in the air. he sits right by you, thigh right by your head, his body as tense as ever. it’s impossible not to be you, not with you in such close proximity to him when only a few days ago he’d watched you make yourself cum, and had heard you whimper out his name after. who can blame him, really?

with your eyes trained on the screen, he hadn’t been expecting you to speak up.

“iwa, what type of porn do you watch?”

he nearly chokes, eyes widening as he spares you a glance. your legs continue to swing innocently, your eyes unmoving, your voice unwavering. the suddenness of the question certainly threw him off, but it’s your nonchalance that really shocks him. but, considering everything, it really shouldn’t have.

“uh, what?” he offers weakly, wincing slightly at the barely there crack in his voice.

you sigh, shifting to sit up. you plant yourself on your knees, spreading them apart slightly to get comfortable, and shrugging at him. “i’m just curious,” you say. “or,” your eyes squint cautiously, your head cocking to the side slightly, “do you not watch porn?”

challengingly, his arms lift up to cross at his chest, and he doesn’t miss the way your eyes momentarily glance at the way his biceps bulge. it makes his confidence spike slightly, nervousness ebbing away. “what type of porn do you watch?”

you gasp dramatically, joking, “take a girl out to dinner first, my god.” he laughs, relaxing lightly at the banter, before his eyes fall back to you. you inch forward curiously, cautiously, still on your knees. now closer to him, you ask again, “seriously, i’m really curious! confirm my suspicions for me.”

“oh?” he quirks an eyebrow. “so you think you know?”

at this, you offer him a knowing smile, eyes slightly half lidded. you’re somehow even closer now, leaning towards him with your hands resting on the small space between you and him in the couch, helping you in lifting yourself up slightly on your knees as you say in a low voice, “baby, i think everyone knows.”

at the sight of you by his side, he feels himself shiver, and an idea invades his mind before he can even process it. “oh, do you now?” he’s not sure where this boldness is emerging from, especially with how cautious and shameful he’d been and felt for weeks now, but he accepts it either way, because the way you’re staring at him like that, he never wants to let it go. and although he wants to drag out this intense eye contact even longer, in order to do what he wants to do, he has to break it, reaching for his phone instead. unable to contain your curiosity, you peak over, watching with confusion as he types out a link.

the blood drains from your face when you recognize your page on his browser, and he’s logged on— he’s subscribed.

“what type of porn do i like to watch?” he wonders rhetorically. the phone is pushed aside, and he sits up straighter so that even on your knees, he looms over you. his eyes are skimming over you, along your body, up to your neck, to your lips, to your shocked, wide eyes. and just as his hand trails up to your throat, his palm resting at the base and one finger tapping lightly, he says, “the type where my favorite girl cries out my name when she cums for the world to see.”

the hand around your throat—

“you,” you breathe out, and finally, finally, when your brain makes sense of everything, your body relaxes, sags against him, leaning more into him until his hand’s properly wrapped around your throat.

with your mind hazing over, you reach over, and kiss him.

he meets you halfway, as if having expected it, lips pressing harshly against his. his hand tightens as he pulls you closer, lifting you up slightly and bringing you closer to him as his mouth parts, breathing you in, and kissing you deeper, lewder. you shiver and gasp, hands grasping at his wrist and forearm, not to push him away but rather to urge him closer, as you kiss him back just as eagerly. it seems like hours, with his hand around your neck, tight and a daunting reassurance, and your lips wet and hot against his, but eventually, his hand slides down, the other mirroring it, finding their way to your waist, squeezing and bunching at the skirt as he, with complete and utter and shocking ease, lifts you up off the couch.

you gasp as he stands up with you, your legs quickly wrapping around his waist as he pulls you to him. as he blindly walks the two of you to his bedroom, he breathlessly asks in between your kisses, “is this— you sure this is okay?”

with a sharp tug at his hair, you jokingly spit out, “iwa shut up.”

he tosses you onto the bed, allowing you a minute to strip yourself of your shirt while he slips out of his own, before quickly falling above you, caging you in with his arms as he kisses you again. “not iwa,” he quietly asks of you.

for a moment you’re confused, before everything clicks again— your slip ups— and your legs lift up, wrapping around his waist and pulling his hips closer to yours just as you mewl out, “hajime, please.”

god, he is way easier than he thought he was.

his entire body shudders above you, one hand lowering to push at your skirt to grind his hips down against yours until his clothed crotch meets your bare cunt and— holy fuck, holy fuck.

“fuck, you slut.”

you gasp at both his words and the feel of his bulge pressing down against your clit, his lips meeting your neck instead. “you do like calling me mean things,” you say, and he scoffs, his hand traveling upwards to squeeze at your breasts instead.

“you like me calling you mean things,” he notes, and you let out a muffled moan as he pinches at your nipples through the bralette, lips biting and sucking at your neck.

“i do,” you pant, arching up into him. “i do, i do.” his hands are fumbling at your chest, and god, they’re so large, so big and warm and harsh, it’s fogging up your brain.

“yeah, yeah, fucking whore,” he growls, pushing himself slightly on his knees, hands tugging at the bralette. his fingers dip past, gripping the fabric tightly, and as he says, “can’t fucking— take this shit— off,” he tears through it, knuckles whitening as he pulls it away from your body, or what’s left of it. the frills of the ruined bra fall off the edge of his bed, and he watches your wide eyes and gaping mouth follow it, so he grabs at your jaw, twisting your gaze away from it and grunting a low, “shut up.”

you pull away from the kiss, breathing heavily as you say, “that was so fucking hot, hajime,” before kissing him again. he parts his mouth as you lead him to you again, tongue easily meeting yours.

it’s a messy kiss as he slips himself out of his sweatpants, taking his boxers with it and discarding them somewhere in his room. his cock slaps against his stomach, a single string of precum messily staining his tan abs. your eyes are quick to gaze down, lips painted a dazzling grin as his hand finds his cock, squeezing at the head and smearing his precum along.

“knew you were fucking big,” you gasp, eyes trained on him as he strokes himself above you, and he is. he’s so big, thick and heavy, and veiny and your mouth waters at how that’s going to feel when inside of you, stretching you out so good, so much better than any of the toys you had at home. “i thought,” a squeal hiccups out of you as both of his hands grab at your hips from beneath your skirt, one sticky and warmer than the other, “about you all the time.”

your confession draws his attention, and when he’s pulled you close enough, two of his fingers trail to your cunt, quirking an, “oh?” just as he dips his fingers inside. the lack of resistance he’s met with is surprising, and he chokes out, “did you stretch yourself out before coming here? fuck yourself on some fake cock?”

tightlipped, you moan, brows furrowed and back arched into him. god, his fingers were not enough. “yes, yes,” you gasp, head falling back. despite not needing to, he still fingers you, his thick digits fucking into you slowly, driving you insane by the second. “yes, i— pretended t’was you,” you whine loudly. at your words, he curls his fingers inside of you, twisting his wrist and pressing his palm directly on your clit.

“do you always?” he lowly asks, dipping closer to you as he fucks his fingers deeper. his fingers were inside of you, the cunt he’d spent over a month marveling at through a screen, the pretty pussy his dick had drooled over for hours. you’re real, as real as ever beneath him falling apart, making a mess of your black skirt, drenching it with your arousal.

you moan out a hum, nodding dumbly as his fingers vibrate with the intensity of speed inside of you, your toes curling in your thigh highs and face twisting to press into his mattress. “always,” you cry out, like a promise. “always think of you— hajime!”

it’s an unexpected orgasm, hitting you so fast and quick that it’s outright dizzying. it has you lifting your hips up into his fingers and palm, grinding and trembling, your legs falling and spreading open, shaking wildly by your side and above you as he fucks you through the orgasm.

“hajime, hajime, hajime,” you chant, words trailing off into tiny sobs and shuddering breaths as your hips slowly fall back onto the bed, body still trembling with aftershocks.

you’re fucked out beyond words already that you genuinely don’t feel a thing until he’s pressing inside of you, the fat head of his cock stretching you out. he’s really no match for your toys, and if seeing him hadn’t been enough confirmation, the feel of him pressing inside of you definitely is. he doesn’t ease himself in slowly, urgently grabbing the back of your thighs with either hand, keeping your legs spread for him as he bottoms out.

“fuck, fuck, knew you’d feel so good,” he grunts, brows furrowed harshly as he digs his fingers deeper against the flesh of your thighs, forcing your legs closer to your chest, and somehow pushing himself even deeper within you. you whine and mewl, toes curling and uncurling and legs trembling. “knew it the moment i saw your pretty pussy creamin’ around that thick cock.”

at the reminder that he’s watched and witnessed you, multiple times, that he’s subscribed to you willingly and curiously, you clench down around him. you feel him twitch inside of you, groaning loudly as he falls closer to you, your legs falling to his waist.

“you like knowing i was watching you?” he sneers, his hand reaching up and gripping at your face, squishing your cheeks and forcing a pout on your lips. your eyes nearly fucking cross as he rams into you, his fingers digging into your jaw. “you like that i fucked my fist every night to you? to your pretty cunt and your pretty noises and your pretty face— yes, good girl, that one.”

your eyes do cross this time, spurred on by his words, your tongue peaking out through the small gap he allows with how harsh he’s gripping your face. he’s pushing out little mewls and cries from you, but otherwise, you quite honestly feel braindead.

“fuck, you’re a gorgeous little slut,” he gasps. “all mine to fuck and use.”

you’re quick to nod rapidly, whining and moaning for him as you grip at his biceps. you’re choking on your breath as you struggle to keep up with him while he fucks you into the mattress, so fucking hard and rough that you’re sure there’ll be an indentation of you once you leave. you can feel your cunt gushing, and you can hear it too, squelching loudly with every thrust of his hips, every time his cock fucks into you. your skirt feels sticky and gross, and so does the rest of you, but you’ve never, never, felt this euphoric, this blissed out.

your stomach tightens impossibly, the tension gradually increasing as your walls tightly squeeze and clench at his cock. slowly and surely, the pressure within you increases, your hands flying to hajime’s arm, the arm whose hand grips your face, which quickly moves to your throat at your simple gasping warning that you were close.

“gonna cum, gonna cum, hajime, fuck!”

he tightens his grip, pressing harsher on the sides of your neck as your eyes shut tightly, your head falling back once more.

“yeah, come on, show me how pretty you look cumming on a real cock,” he whispers by your ear, using the hand that’s around your throat to lift up your head, before roughly pushing it back down, squeezing tighter. “you like it this rough?— shit, shit, you’re tightening.”

you scream, voice cracking and broken as he slams into you again, his hips grinding against yours momentarily, pelvis hitting your clit— and you’re gone, thrashing in his hold, fat tears streaming down your cheeks as you sob and heave, your body shaking uncontrollably beneath him, hips shaking as your orgasm rocks through you. it’s not a few seconds later that he’s spilling inside of you, accidentally pressing his palm down against your throat as he cums, blocking your airway momentarily.

“hngh,” he gasps deeply, cock twitching inside of you as he cums, hips barely grinding. you’re gasping, a little painfully, struggling to take in any air as he blinks dazedly, before he finally takes notice. “shit, shit, i’m sorry.”

his hand flies away from your throat, and you inhale sharply, coughing lightly as air fills your lungs all too suddenly. the strength of this man, holy fuck.

“i’m so sorry; are you okay?”

chest still heaving, you fall onto the bed, body relaxing as you try and regulate your breathing. “s’okay, i’m okay,” you reassure him, hands reaching up to pat at his cheeks and comb through his messy, sweaty hair.

he leans forward, pressing a kiss to your forehead, and it’s so endearing that you nearly forget he’s still inside of you. but you feel the shift of his cock, feel his cum slowly start to ooze out of your cunt, and he winces from the oversensitivity, shifting away to instead pull out of you. his soft cock falls from your cunt, a steady flow of his cum following. hajime has to physically resist from reaching out to fuck it back into you.

“i’m sorry i wasn’t careful ‘nough with the—“ he makes a gesture with his hands around his neck, “—the choking.”

you laugh lightly, tiredly, hands slowly caressing at his sweaty biceps. “stop apologizing,” you reassure him again, shrugging with a small smile as you add, “just be more careful next time.”

his breath gets caught in his chest, and he only softly exhales when he falls on the bed, to your side, carefully repeating, “next time.”

from beside him, you lift yourself up on your side on your elbow, palm cradling your head, trying your best not to wince in pain. “hajime?”

he spares you a glance as he mumbles, “hm?” opting to stare at the ceiling and contemplate whether what had just happened was real life or not.

“do you wanna do a video with me?”

he all but chokes.

end note; please this took me like 4+ hours. please please please don’t flop, and more importantly, i really hope i don’t disappoint. i know this has been a long awaited piece, so i’m praying and hoping you guys love it.

love you all, mwah <3

#haikyuu smut #iwaizumi smut #iwaizumi x reader #haikyuu x reader #iwaizumi hajime x reader #iwaizumi hajime smut

2K notes · View notes

destielficarchive · 3 years

Text

Sometimes, AO3 Is Really Fucking Weird

There are several ways to effectively remove a fic from AO3. Obviously, deleting it is the most straight forward, and orphaning is a choice too, but there are several others. For example, some people just abandon the entire account and make a new one that can't be associated with their old identity. Others do a "fancy" version of orphaning, where they turn their username into a pseud and specifically orphan the pseud, so that a search will turn it up as "(original username) (orphaned)". I could go on, but listing the options isn't really the point of this post.

The point of this post relates to another of the methods some people use. Recently, I've noticed an uptick in authors who want to delete/remove their works from AO3 choosing to put them into unrevealed/hidden collections which they themselves own. This has multiple advantages - the biggest and most obvious is that it preserves kudos, comments, bookmarks, and hits. It enables the author to still see their own story if they want to, but they also don't have to. Further, if they're ambivalent about out-right deleting it, they don't have to, and they don't have the loss of control that comes with orphaning - by putting it in a collection, they can always always choose to either delete it later, or re-associate it with themselves later. They can edit it easily, c&p easily, all that jazz. Links to it will still work, too, they'll just show that it's in an unrevealed collection. This is how both HazelDomain and Moosefeels handled their recent mass "deletions" - nothing was actually deleted, it was all just stashed in a collection. It struck me as a very elegant solution to a lot of the problems presented from deleting (like, losing all the feedback) and orphaning (losing all control).

But.

Today while doing some of my pre-new-survey maintanence for the Destiel Favs survey, I discovered something that (as I indicate in the title) is really fucking weird, and is something that anyone who is considering this method of removing their works should know.

If you put a work in an unrevealed collection, and it's in one or more other collections, the owner of the other collection(s) will still be able to see the entire work.

I hadn't realized this sooner, because I almost never log in to the alt I use for the Destiel Favs stuff. I did all the checking for Hazel and Moosefeels using my main - which is a moderator on the Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection, but not an owner. I'm only logged into the alt now cause I'm doing my semi-annual clean up of the bookmarks and such. And what I found was...

Well, see for yourself. When you click this link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9007867/chapters/20560327

This is what you'll see:

Nothing else about the fic will be visible, not even it's name, much less tags or anything.

But when I, in my alt as DestielFanFavsSurvey, owner of the collection, click it?

There's the fic.

Which is to say: moving a fic to an unrevealed collection ONLY completely hides the work IF it's in no other collections. If it's in a collection, it will be visible to the owner(s) of that collection, even if it's been marked unrevealed in a different collection. The "unrevealed" does NOT take precedence over a collection owner's ability to see the work regardless of the revealed/unrevealed status of the fic in another collection.

(Sorry if this is confusing, it's surprisingly hard to explain I'm finding? Basically:

Fic A is in Collection A, Collection B, and Collection C.

The owner of Collection C decides to switch the Collection to "unrevealed."

Even though the owners of Collection A and Collection B have absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with Collection C, they can still see the work.

Why does this matter?

Basically, based on my thinking about it thus far since I found out like half an hour ago, I see three ways this potentially matters:

1. For people actually running challenges, who actually WANT the capability to make a work unrevealed, make sure that the author doesn't put it into other collections, because it will still be revealed to the owners of those collections.

2. For authors who are worried about adding their works to collections and having the owners subsequently fuck them by reverting it to hidden, if you make your OWN collection, and add all your own fics to it, you can at least maintain your own access. (which you can do anyway by going to https://archiveofourown.org/users/(YOURUSERNAME)/collection_items?approved=true, and you can remove them there too I think, but still).

3. For people who want to use this as an alternate means of deleting their works, people like me will still be able to see it. If you REALLY want to make sure no one has access? You'll have to make sure you remove the work from all collections other than your own, because otherwise, the owner(s) of other collections the work is in will still be able to see it, bookmark, kudos, or subscribe. They will NOT be able to comment or download it (I checked) but they CAN copy and paste it.

I honestly have no idea if this is meant to be a bug or a feature, and the frequency with which it'll matter to folks is likely nil, but still, it's a pretty noticeable loophole in the "I'll just pseudo-delete by putting it in an unrevealed collection" thing and I thought people should know.

Someone with more time than me can probably figure out more fucking weirdness related to all this, but I'm out of time. I have checked that, as the owner of the non-hidden collection, I cannot reveal the fic myself, nor can I do anything other than my usual moderator/owner options (add it or remove it are about all I can do.)

But basically: be aware, if you really want to use the unrevealed collection method to hide your work, make sure you remove it from any collections you don't own!!!

@ao3commentoftheday sorry for the random ping but this seemed like the kinda bizarre-ass AO3 shenanigans thing that might be of interest to you and the people who follow you. (And sorry if you already knew this - I knew that the owner of the unrevealed collection could see the works, that's not news to me, but that the owners of OTHER, separate collections can ALSO see it is, uh, a shock, at least to me.)

#ao3 #fandom #i have no idea how to tag this #or if anyone will give even one shit #but it seemed important to me #this is triggering a lifetime of people telling me i'm a nitpicker they're all rolling their eyes in my head rn #telling me this is so small that no one would think it's worth mentioning #but idc i think there are people who'd want to know this #so here goes

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hansolmates · 3 years

Text

distance learning (m)

banner done by the beautiful @eerieedits

summary; after their first hookup, jungkook isn’t so sure whether you’re serious about being exclusive. after all, people say things during sex. jungkook takes it in his own hands to figure out where you stand, and he realizes soon enough that eavesdropping is a bad habit pairing; neighbor!jungkook x (f) reader genre/warnings; fluff, humor, crack, insecure!jk, unresolved sexual tension, stressed!mc, this is really just unnecessary drama bc drama is fun™, sexting, dom kook’s still a meanie in control, posession kink, cock slapping, a blowjob, cockwarming, unprotected, creampie, squirting, (wrap the pickle before u tickle folks) and of course the excessive use of the petname [redacted] w/c; 6.1k a/n; haaaaaa three months later im finally posting pt 2! i figured that no matter how many times i edit/reread at this point i think it’s time to finally let this beast go!!! enjoyyy click here for part 1: remote learning drabbles; 01

if you enjoy this, please considering giving our pasta couple a like n’share💚

It’s been a week since the thing.

The remote-controlled vibrator thing.

The whole sappy-love-confesion-during-sex thing.

Jungkook is antsy, tail tucked in, perpetually wondering whether he went too far. You seemed to like it, and Jungkook definitely loved it. It was spicy and dirty and hot, and at the same time Jungkook thought he really made progress in expressing his feelings for you. Not only that, you said you liked him back!

At least, he thought you did.

“I really said I’d feed her lasagna and cum in the same sentence,” Jungkook bemoans into his pillow, which still lingers faintly of your Redken shampoo. “I’m disgusting. She thinks I’m disgusting.”

People say things during sex, Jungkook knows that. In the throes of passion and pleasure, people will say anything that comes to their mind, anything that fits the mood. Of course, you’d be tied in and say you like him back. But did you like him back as a friend? As a fuckbuddy? As something more?

“Fucking text her,” Taehyung is tired of Jungkook’s wallowing, everytime he checks in on the app developer he’s brooding in one of three places. Today’s his bedroom. Taehyung dips under the blankets, and steals Jungkook’s pillow right under his nose.

Jungkook suppresses a whimper, face melding into the blankets. Now that pillow is going to smell like Taehyung.

“Text her what,” Jungkook replies despondently.

“I don’t know, something along the lines of ‘I wanna follow through with my proposition of feeding you my cum and lasagna—not simultaneously. Wanna go on a date this weekend?’ It’s that simple,” Taehyung gets up in Jungkook’s face, dark eyes forcing him to bore right in. “Want me to do it for you?”

“Noo, I’m an adult I can—”

“I did it for you.”

Jungkook nearly knocks into Taehyung’s hard head, sitting up straight when he notices his phone behind his roommate’s back. This is what he gets for sharing passwords. Thankfully, the message is cleaner than Taehyung’s words, and you’ve already replied.

[1:23] Jungkook: would you like to go out for dinner this weekend? pasta and wine?

[1:25] You: it’s a busy week this week 🥺 raincheck?

“Was the sex that bad?” Taehyung frowns, reading the message twice.

“N-no,” Jungkook is sweating. He isn’t sure anymore.

Taehyung hands Jungkook back his phone, slowly, as if you’ll reply back with a change of your mind. Jungkook is a deflated balloon on his bed, feeling like a bum in his ratty sweater and a dateless weekend.

“It’s just that,” Taehyung puts a hand on his lip, mulling, “busy people don’t reply that fast. Like even if she wasn’t busy, there’s a fifteen-minute leeway before replying.”

This silly rule overrides Jungkook’s mind for the rest of the week.

The gyms have been reopened for months, and Jungkook’s trainer misses him dearly. Jungkook meets with Saeroyi in the morning, eager to get a few jabs in with some fresh equipment. He tries to move on, distract himself with a couple of pumps and a match with Saeroyi. It feels great to sweat it off, but it doesn’t help sway Jungkook’s incessant thoughts.

The ball is in your court now, Jungkook has nothing to do but wait. Some people are just bad texters, maybe you just happened to have your phone near you when Taehyung sent the message. Maybe you just wanted to cut Jungkook off as quickly as possible so you decided to reply fast and rip the band-aid.

No, you’re definitely not that cold-hearted.

Re-entering his apartment complex, his eyes linger towards where your room lies on the first floor. It’s all the way at the end of the hallway, and he’s tempted to just confront you and make sure that what you and him really had is indeed, over. Conversely, you could just really be having a bad week and you genuinely do want a raincheck.

Jungkook’s eyes trail to his form. Still in his gym clothes, and a little sweaty from the travel time. If he gets caught, he can just tell you he’s doing a cooldown by running across the hallways. Not the first time it’s happened, afterall it led him to you at one point.

He breaks into a soft jog, making a beeline to your front door. His feet squish against your old welcome mat. You haven’t changed it since Halloween, and he smiles fondly at the black scripted “Boo Y’all” written in script next to a chibi-ghost.

His heart beats faster as his hand lingers by the door, ready to knock. Deep breaths. Who knows, he could just be overthinking (like usual.)

“Fuck, Hobi!”

Jungkook freezes, his knuckles a centimeter away from your door. He backs up as if he’s been burned. His heart has fallen all the way down to his ass, and intends to stay there because now he feels like a damn fool.

The bed is creaking relentlessly, a rhythmic pattern that has Jungkook’s face crumbling at every spring. Jungkook’s face hovers over the door, his ear brushing against the wood.

“C’mon, bunny,” the male voice is teasing, “you know you love having me over. It would satisfy both of us if you’d just let it go.”

Bunny. A cute pet name, for sure. The way it rolls off the stranger’s tongue is natural, as if he’s been saying it for years. But what about being his doll, is that not good enough?

You’re huffy, taking deep breaths. He doesn’t want to hear anymore. Jungkook has put himself through enough self-wallowing for the week. What if he was just a stepping stone to meeting new people that will satisfy you better? What if you just needed one good orgasm to get your flow back, and Jungkook’s job is done? Sure, there were no strings attached when he proposed to have sex with you, but he thought…

No more thinking. Jungkook jogs away from the door, even going so far is to jog all the way up to the penthouse.

He hates this.

You hate this.

It’s been five days since Hoseok’s arrival, and you are going bonkers. Why couldn’t he get a hotel or an AirBnB? Because he’s cheap as fuck, that’s why. Your dinky cousin has been clinging to you like a lonely koala, and while you found it cute in the 5th grade, it doesn’t translate well nearly two decades later.

Every morning is the same. You make a subpar toast and Nutella breakfast, letting Hoseok’s slices go cold as you log in for work. You’ve been clocking in earlier in the hopes to finish the majority of your tasks before Hoseok wakes up, because by then you can barely function. Once he wakes up, he’s relentless, bouncing on the bed and talking your head off while you try to concentrate on whatever your boss is telling you. Whenever he jumps too hard, your cheap mattress causes your laptop to fly, and the only thing you can do is curse him out. Sometimes he plays Disney movies and sings in tandem, choreography and all.

You know that Hoseok is stressed and this is his outlet, and you don’t have it in you to stop his incessant habits. He’s visiting your area because of a lucrative job offer nearby and the interviews are sporadic, making Hoseok linger in your apartment for hours at a time until he’s summoned for whatever test they want to throw at him.

Most of the interviews are in the evening, and it’s when you can clock back in and finish your leftover assignments while Hoseok is also working. By the time he returns, you’re dog tired and so is he.

Every night, you try to move away from Hoseok’s clingy self, as he grapples onto your waist and slings a thigh over your belly. You wish it were someone else sharing the bed with you.

If you bring Jungkook into the picture however, you’d be burnt for the week. Complete crumbs. It would be too much stimulation for you, having to balance work, Hoseok’s incessant attitude, and putting on a face for Jungkook. Your relationship with the penthouse neighbor is barely budding, hardly watered considering Hoseok’s sudden visit. You cling to the fact that in a couple days you would be giving your undivided attention to Jungkook, most of your priorities out of the way, and most importantly, you’ll have your own room back.

Maybe you could surprise him by giving him a pasta dinner, just like he proposed.

Unable to get the thought out of your head, you blindly reach for your phone on the nightstand. It’s late, very late for a workday. The blue screen burns your eyes a bit, but you're determined to at least check up on Jungkook. You can’t take too long, otherwise you won’t be able to sleep and get him out of your head. Dear, unassuming cousin Hoseok is fast asleep next to you, due to the fact it’s nearly midnight. Making sure not to disrupt him, you carefully cup your phone in your hands, putting it on the lowest light setting.

[11:54] You: hey, hope work hasnt been as draining for u as it’s been for me ☠️ what’s your opinion on pasta sauces, red or white?

Jungkook is normally a fast texter, at least from your experience. It’s you that’s the sporadic texter, sometimes taking hours to reply, other times in seconds. It never really mattered until now, however. But it takes five, ten, and finally fifteen minutes before you get a response.

[12:09] Jungkook: ???

You frown, wondering what you said wrong.

[12:10] You: do you not wanna do pasta anymore? Are you craving something else now?

[12:10] Jungkook: i don’t think it’d work out

[12:10] You: why?

[12:11] Jungkook: im sure you know why, bunny.

Strange. He’s never called you bunny before, and in your opinion you think he’d be the bunny in the relationship—soft and cuddly on the outside, and an absolute horn ball in bed. Is this some sort of weird power play? Is he being passive aggressive on purpose? Whatever this game is, you’re not into it. Grumbling under your breath, you snake out of bed, looking blindly for your slippers in the dark. You’ll be in and out of Jungkook’s apartment in ten minutes.

Just as your hand brushes the doorknob, your new roommate calls for you.

“Bunny?” Hoseok calls blearily, and you’re staring straight at his cookie-printed eye mask, “what time is it, where are you going?”

“Um, out,” you reply shortly, “I forgot I left my laundry in the dryer.”

“Oh, m’kay. Come back soon, y’know I can’t sleep alone.”

It’s then you realize. Bunny. Jungkook thinks that Hoseok and you are a thing. He really needs to stop eavesdropping on you.

You feel your pussy frown. Your cousin is such a cockblock and he doesn’t even know it. Without an answer, you slip through your door and into the first free elevator. As you zing up the floors with the magical 1234 code, you work and rework your hair in and out of its style, wondering if you’ll look more presentable with your hair messy or thrown back.

As soon as you reach the penthouse, you burst into action. “Jungkook!” you cry, pounding the front door, “it’s a misunderstanding, open up!”

The door immediately swings open after the first three knocks, and you punch Taehyung in the chest.

“You look awful,” Kim Taehyung drawls. Taehyung is wearing nothing but a cranberry red silk kimono, and you have to avert your eyes and focus on his face, which is even worse because he’s looking at you like an all-knowing psychic.

“Gee, thanks,” you try to move past him, but he’s blocking the door.

“Jungkook’s in a meeting with some foriegn developers,” Taehyung talks with his hands, pretending like he has any idea of the nature of his roommate’s job, “when it’s this late he doesn’t leave his office until morning. Door’s locked.”

“Well then, can you relay a message?”

“Depends, is this message going to hurt him further?”

Oh my goodness, when Taehyung wants to be he is such an enabler. “Tell Jungkook he’s done wallowing. Instead of jumping to conclusions, maybe he should’ve just asked me why we couldn’t go on a date this week.”

“You could’ve also just told him you have a man on the side.”

“Ohmygod you two are two iotas of a combined braincell!” you shove your hands in your pocket, hotly scrolling through your phone so you can shove a picture in his face. “This is Jung Hoseok, my cousin who derailed my plans this week by crashing in my too-tiny apartment and forced me to raincheck with Jungkook. He’s a blabbermouth and would tell everyone—my parents, my grandparents, my great-aunts—about Jungkook if he found out I was dating, and I’m not ready for that,” you zoom in on the picture, despite the fact that the screen is practically touching Taehyung’s nose, “and the reason Hoseok calls me bunny is not sexual—you two are fucking gross—I had front tooth problems in elementary school and I had a brace on my two big teeth, it was not pretty.”

“Ah, bunny.” Taehyung echoes with wide eyes, looking at you as if you’re now the one with sage wisdom, “it all makes sense now.” He gulps, taking in the old photo of a mini-Hoseok and you, yourself frowning to cover your huge braces and Hoseok trying to pull your gums apart with his greasy little fingers.

Satisfied by Taehyung’s evident squirming, you decide you’re too tired to further this interaction. “Tell the other half of your cell for me, will ya?” You’re already turning away, pressing repeatedly at the elevator button, “I would love to go on a date with him as soon as he gets his head out of his ass.”

Jungkook is tired, but not tired enough to murder Taehyung and make it look like an accident.

When he has late meetings, Taehyung is usually quieter around the apartment, and even gets Jungkook a hot meal once he wakes up in the afternoons. Today, Jungkook slept through and through. Normally he’d wake up midway to Taehyung’s television dramas, or the clanging of last night’s dishes but nope, not a peep.

And today’s hot meal is takeout from Jungkook’s favorite ramen restaurant. That only means one thing—something has gone to shit and Taehyung feels guilty.

Jungkook sips his tonkotsu impossibly slow, hearing Taehyung’s words—your words from last night—clear as day. Taehyung even describes in detail where the nickname bunny comes from, down to how miserable you looked in the photo with your monstrously metal-bent teeth. Oh, how he wishes he can swaddle you between the blankets, hold you and comfort you while you deal with your family.

[2:45] Jungkook: doll, im so sorry

[2:45] Jungkook: please, i booked us a weekend at that new spa that just opened downtown. The tickets are flex, so if your cousin doesn’t leave by then week we can always reschedule

[2:51] Jungkook: baby doll…

This is far worse than believing you didn’t like him. Now Jungkook is antsy, knowing you deserve all the space in the world because of how silly he was being. You owe him nothing. If he just waited it out until you were ready, he wouldn’t be in this mess. He’s potato-esque throughout the day, thankfully Taehyung gives him space as he watches hours of mindless television.

You don’t reply until very late into the night.

[10:10] You: IM ALIVE--barely!! And mr. jeon, you’re not only a triple texter, but an ellipsis texter???? You’re asking for trouble

Jungkook has no shame, immediately texting you back. He can’t help it, he’s smitten.

[10:12] Jungkook: taehyung explained everything. It’s all his fault. Don’t ask why, it’s his fault. Im so sorry.

[10:12] You: mm, it’s okay. Just a misunderstanding. I was pretty upset last night, but i’ve been pretty tired this week so my fuse is short.

[10:14] Jungkook: you should go to sleep now, doll. We’ll have time together after your cousin leaves

[10:14] You: just a couple more minutes. Miss u and your cute face

[10:16] Jungkook:

[10:16] Jungkook: will this hold u off until saturday?

Jungkook is a pile of goo. Pink, warm, happy heart-glittered goo. It takes a minute for you to reply, and for that whole minute Jungkook is kicking his legs under the sheets of his bed like an eager five-year old who just gave his crush his Valentine. Maybe it’s taking you so long to reply because you’re trying to send a selfie of your own, running off to the bathroom to take a cute selfie if your cousin is asleep in bed.

[10:19] You: fuck, i kno that’s supposed to be a cute selfie, but i want you so bad. I want to sit on your face, let your lips glisten with my pussy as i cum all over that pretty face

[10:19] You: i wanna touch myself so badly but fuckin’ hoseok is out here snoring like he’s gon hack a lung. Panties are so wet 🥺🥺 your doll is needy for you, wanna be played with

[10:20] Jungkook: lfjsdl;fkjs;fjsoisfoisljsdfsdklfjsdklf

He throws his phone across the bed, feeling himself twitch in his red flannel pyjama bottoms. The thought of you so hot and needy when you’re ten floors down has Jungkook absolutely livid. He doesn’t know how he’s going to talk to you, comfort you without missing you like crazy.

Jungkook thinks back to what he has in his fridge. His contractor sent him a cheese assortment, maybe he can bring it down pretending to be a friendly neighbor. Maybe Hoseok can go to the convenience store to conveniently grab a bottle of wine. He can make both of you cum in five minutes, flat.

Akin to a dumb, horny teenager, he sighs. He rubs his palm longingly over his member. He’s horny, but he’s also eager to see your face. Talk to you, get reacquainted with your routine and sneak his way into it. He wants to be a part of your life, and he’s hoping you will too.

[5:02] You: Jungkook, you left me hanging last night

[5:05] Jungkook: baby doll… i wouldnt have been able to handle myself if we continued

[5:06] You: so you decided to dip :(

[5:06] You: could u play with your doll a lil bit, kook? Hobi left for another interview

[5:08] You: PNG.0901

Jungkook was a fool to believe that you would drop him like that. No, Jungkook can see now that you two are a match made in heaven. You have a bite, never afraid to speak your mind when needed. This translates to a hunger you shamelessly share with Jungkook, both sexual and romantically intimate. He almost wishes he could’ve seen you act like a bitch to Taehyung last night, he can only imagine how sexy you looked telling him off.

He has the technology to blow up your picture, the one that’s currently having him close his laptop and shove it to the side. He spreads his legs further across his glass desk, trying to find comfort between his tight pants as he absorbs every bit of your skin.

It’s nothing too risque, but it’s nothing short of sensual. The room is dark, but it’s very clearly a picture of your hand between your thighs. Again, you’re between your wall and bed, squished between your office chair with your legs spread as far as they can go. Your skin is so soft looking, plush as you press two fingers between your damp panties. Adorable.

[5:12] Jungkook: you know why i never replied last night? Because i was too busy jacking off to your dirty words doll. U really need your mouth washed

[5:12] You: wanna wash it with something else🍆

[5:12] You: please kook, i need something. Hoseok will come home soon and i might rip his head off. Help prevent a murder

Jungkook chuckles, clutching his phone closer to his body. He loves how much you’re opening up to him. Last week feels like so long ago, how you were all flushed and wide-eyed at the proposition of sex. He thinks you two can have a lot of fun getting to know each other, both emotionally and physically.

[5:15] Jungkook: i was gonna wait until i sent this, but i think my doll needs it. Here’s what i was doing last night

[5:17] Jungkook: MP4.13

He… has a meeting in five minutes. A very important, very serious meeting. Jungkook jacked off enough last night, now it’s your turn. He hopes you like it. It’s not a very long video, barely a twenty-second clip of him fisting his cock. Taehyung was still home at the time, so he had to keep quiet. However, he couldn’t get the image of you out of his head that night, rubbing your thighs together in a cramped mattress as you try to erase the dirty thoughts of him. A murmur of your name, and the image of his precum dripping down his knuckles. You hope it’s enough.

[5:34] You: u make everything so much easier💜✨

[5:35] You: MP4.234

Two minutes. The video you send is even shorter than his, barely fifteen seconds. You’re in a much more comfortable position, horizontal on the bed. Your shirt is ridden up to the underside of your breasts, one hand clutching your bare breast so hard he can see your cotton plush skin bulging between your fingers. The other hand has your panties shifted to the side, three fingers in your sopping cunt.

“Mmh—fuck, f-uck Jungkook—” the words are mere breaths, puffs of air as you reach your orgasm.

His call connects. He nearly drops his phone on the glass.

“Jungkook!” Andreas from Germany wishes him brightly, “you look great, glowing even!”

Jungkook blushes, and mutters something about having to go to the bathroom before they start.

Taehyung makes himself scarce on Saturday. He packs a duffel bag for himself and takes the PlayStation, knowing it’ll be a long weekend at Jimin’s.

Jungkook is on livewire for the morning. He even express-delivers a pasta roller to his house, and he spends all morning testing out the perfect pasta dough. His black apron is covered in flour, and he can barely comprehend the tutorial that’s teaching him on his flatscreen.

He’s on autopilot. He hasn’t contacted you since he sent that selfie, and he doesn’t intend to. Jungkook understands why you made yourself scarce in the beginning of the week, preferring to raincheck and pin your relationship for a better time. Jungkook’s brain is overridden with you, swollen with thoughts of you. You would never be able to focus if you kept in contact like you did last night, especially if you can’t get away from Hoseok.

Absence surely makes the heart grow fonder.

Slapping his hands against his trousers, he surveys his handiwork. His pasta is appropriately floured and wrung, each handful of fresh dough wrapped in little nests. Off the stove is a bechamel sauce, a base ready to be cooked in whatever kind of pasta dish you want. He thinks the two of you would have fun making your own non-traditional pasta dishes.

The soft knocks on his front door interrupts his train of thought, and he knows it’s you.

You stand in front of the door, impossibly small in a large shirt and a plain pair of leggings. At the sight of Jungkook, a smile as warm and sweet as hot chocolate worms its way to your face, and you collapse into his arms.

He sighs gratefully, sinking into your small body. When he pulls away, he can’t help but frown at your apparent exhaustion. You must’ve come back from something tedious, because sweat dots your brow and your eyes are still puffy and dark. Your chest arches bonelessly into his, hoping to melt in his embrace.

“Hi,” you say.

“Hey,” he replies.

“It’s Saturday.”

“It is Saturday.”

You rub your nose between the fabric of his button down, “I should’ve been more specific when I wanted to raincheck on you,” you murmur into the white cotton.

“No, I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions,” Jungkook whispers, even though you’re the only two people on the floor, “I’ll make it better, yeah? I’m going to love you so good tonight, won’t have to lift a finger—”

You shake your head, looking at him calmly. “Jungkook, it’s been a long week. Hobi got the job, I spent all this morning moving his two-ton speaker set into his new apartment. I don’t want anything gentle. I want you to rail me into next week,” Jungkook chokes on his saliva when you reach to cup his dick through his pants, already sporting a chub, “fuck me breathless. I want—no, I need this.”

Anything for you, but Jungkook isn’t going to let your mouth runneth over that easily. He wants that too, obviously. But again, you’ve made him wait.

Bending slightly, Jungkook whispers darkly into your ear, “Who said you can decide the rules here, doll?” he’s been waiting all week to slip back into this persona, one that has you shivering delightfully under his touch. A small, secret smile tucks itself under your lips as you tilt your head down, but Jungkook catches it. It shows you’ve missed it too. He lets your sneaky smile slide for now, only because he’s missed you so much and you’ve had a long day.

“If I wanna fuck you rough, I’ll fuck you rough. If I want to edge you until you're sobbing on the corner of the kitchen table, I’ll do it,” Jungkook spits every declaration into your skin, biting at your shoulder so hard you cry deliciously.

He drags you over to the living room, and he could sing at how easily you follow directions. Both of you have been tied up this week, and some hard sex would definitely ease that frustration, “Knees,” Jungkook commands, and you waste no time sinking to the floor, hands atop your knees.

You look up through your lashes, eyes big and glassy. His poor girl is tired, and he finds it all the more attractive that you’re willing to push that aside to make eachother feel good.

“Pretty, pretty,” he chants, pulling down his pants and letting his dick spring free, “suck.”

You waste no time, and he watches as your eyes dilate over the expanse of his cock, half-hard and ready for your mouth. Your nails dig into your knees as you start with featherlight kisses, finally turning into sloppy smacks as you lick all over his dick.

Jungkook groans, weaving a hand into your hair to force his dick down your throat. You gag at the sudden intrusion, but it doesn’t stop you from taking it like a champ. Hard, deep thrusts that he’s sure you can feel all the way in your stomach. You gag at each thrust, but don’t let up as your hot tongue wraps him up and licks at the pre-cum.

“Fuuuuck, doll,” he rips you away, his now hard dick springing away. He’s a little shaky on his knees, but he plants his feet down as he grips his cock, slapping the tip of it across your cheek. It smears your face, glossing your flushed cheeks in a mixture of your saliva and pre-cum. “Are you trying to make me cum first? So sweet, you don’t even care if you cum tonight, hmm? You owe me, making you believe you had another man.”

This isn’t true, of course. The both of you know it was just miscommunication, but it doesn’t hurt to play it up for pleasure.

“N-no Kook, I’m yours,” you grapple at his pants, pulling them down so he can get them off completely.

“Right. You’re. Mine.” With every punctuated word is a light slap to your cheek, and you take it. His cock bounces right off of you, until you finally move your head to suckle at the engorged tip, “I’m keeping you forever, doll. Don’t you know that?”

Throughout this whole process, you don’t move, other than the minute clawing at your knees. You’re so good to him. Jungkook pulls away and ignores the ache in his member for now, taking off your clothes for himself. It’s like unwrapping a gift, revealing every bit of skin reserved for his viewing. “So sexy,” he remarks once he’s got you bare, pulling you onto the couch. He’s still in his button down shirt, his date night shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbow. However, he lets your hands inch under the stiff fabric, feeling for his taut muscle.

He guides your aching cunt to his cock, sinking you down. It’s a tight fit, and you both moan at the brush of contact. Despite not being prepped, you’re still slick, and it makes up for it. He doesn’t thrust up or anything, just guides his lips to yours with a threadbare brush of his finger.

“Kook, d-do you want me to move?” you mumble against his cherry-flavored lip balm.

“Good dolls don’t move until they’re told,” your eyes widen innocently at the statement, and you crumple against his mouth, at his next words, “cum like this.”

“Awh shit, please no,” you tear up, burying your head between the crook of his neck, “I can’t wait.”

“Thought you wanted me to fuck you into next week. You can’t do this one little favor for me?” he’s being so mean, and you hate him for it. Haven’t you earned it? “C’mon baby, I thought you wanted me?”

It’s silent, save for the soft Italian restaurant music playing from whatever tutorial he’s hooked up to his television. It’s terribly cliche, like you’re in the porno version of a European romance movie. He thinks nothing of it, not when your juices are dripping on his thighs, your skin soft and pliant in his grip. Jungkook drums his fingers against your spine, seemingly uncaring that you’re stuffed deep into your womb.

On the other hand, it’s the only thing you’re acutely aware of. His thick, warm cock is nestled between your folds, right where it should be. You clench once, twice, thankful that this isn’t some crazed wet dream. States of sleep and consciousness have blurred this week, you’re lucky that you made it all the way up to Jungkook’s apartment.

You can’t cum like this. You need to bait him. You moan, the sound slow and rumbly against your throat as you weave your fingers through his dark tresses. Moving the strands aside to kiss his cold metal earrings you murmur, “I love this, Kookoo. I’ve wanted you all week, I was going crazy. I kept playing last week in my head over and over. I even put in my little vibrator, hoping you’d pull up the app.”

Jungkook’s teeth clench, and his grip is borderline painful as it digs into your hips.

“I haven’t been able to cum all week, and I want to do it all over you,” you husk, playing with the roots of his hair.

You can feel yourself dripping, wetness lubricating you even further and probably staining his thighs and couch with your arousal. Every second that passes is killer, and the fluttering towards your pussy tighten further as Jungkook’s cock twitches in response. Your pussy continues its ministrations, butterfly-like flaps against his hot member that have you vibrating.

“Mm, oh, I’ll cum for you,” and surprisingly, you might be able to. All this dirty talking has gotten you riled up. Just a little bit more and—

Jungkook shoves you off his cock, forcing you to land on the couch.

“No!” you cry, wiping your face. Your cheeks are ruddied, and you’re annoyed. The coolness of the autumn air has you feeling chilly, and you want to scream at Jungkook for disrupting your orgasm. You feel empty.

You’re not annoyed for long however, as Jungkook flips you on your back and gives you what you’ve been craving.

“You glide right in, don’t ya doll,” the friction is deliciously blazing, his hands pushing you further into the large couch as he takes you from behind. Hot, fast smacks against your ass come from the way his balls bounce back and forth as he pistons his cock in and out. “F-fuck, you’re so good to me. So good, I love having you like this. All pretty and dripping, you really know how to make a guy wait, huh?”

“Mmph! N-no—hng, but I’m y-yours, Kook,” you garble out, and you’re practically eating the throw pillow you’re propped up on as he slams you further into the cushions, so hard you may fall off, “all yours, honey. N-no more waiting. I want you, want you so badly—ah fuck!”

“It’s worth it, you’re worth it,” he says over and over, his thrusts becoming sporadic and losing their rhythm once he feels you clenching uncontrollably. He presses his two fingers to your sloppy bud, swirling around the juices eagerly. “C-cum, baby doll. You deserve it, yeah? Cum on this cock, let go.”

You’re starting to see spots, black and white alike. Finally shying away from his cock you rest on your back, but Jungkook doesn’t stop his fingers from flying across your clit. One look at his face and you’re gone. Pretty brown eyes, overflowing with affection. The feeling is different, and it’s the acute pressure between your stomach and pussy that makes you notice what’s going on with your body. The pressure finally releases, your eyes fluttering shut as you rest your cheek on the cushions. You dissolve, a mess on the couch as white hot liquid ejects from your body, spraying Jungkook’s thighs and cushions.

“Y-you just,” your lover’s mouth is parted open like a baby kitten, uncaring as to how the dark liquid stains his couch fabric.

“Squirted?” you answer breathlessly, a melty smile on your lips, “y-yeah.”

It sets him off, a button left dormant until now. The thatches of hair that surround his cock are dripping with your mess, a cold reminder that he got you to this high. He doesn’t hesitate to slip his cock back into you, and you gasp at the overstimulation. You try not to focus on how your body is a bundle of lit nerves, only to help Jungkook reach his completion.

“S-so perfect,” he warbles, pressing kisses to your jaw, chin, lips. Each thrust is deep, thick and heady with emotion. “Mm, I wanna cream this pussy sooo badly—mm, all mine, all wet and warm and so so sweet—”

He cries out your name, biting into your shoulder as your walls fill further with his hot cream. Your thighs are shaking from sensory overload, and Jungkook has to hold you down and soothe you into a state of reality to cling on.

Satiated, he nuzzles into your chest, feeling absolutely featherlight.

“T-thank you,” you say gratefully, when at least three out of your five senses return to your body. Your hands dip down to clutch his cheek, pinching lightly at the warm skin.

“Don’t thank me yet,” Jungkook exhales into your breasts, “d-didn’t even feed you my cum yet.”

You scoff, pinching his cheek again. You’re aware of his softening cock between your folds, ready to seep the efforts of today’s coupling, but your stomach says otherwise. You crane your neck to make note of the kitchen island, staring curiously at the metal pasta roller and the little nests of carby goodness that decorate the cutting board.

“Feed me pasta first, please. You have all night to feed me dessert.”

Jungkook giggles into your stomach, he doesn’t mind feeding you in that order.

bonus.

“So.”

“So?” you have cream sauce on your lips, happily slurping on an angel hair.

“You haven’t told me you liked me back yet,” Jungkook rests his palm in the swell of his cheek, content with watching you eat from where he’s standing on the counter. He leans his upper body across the marble table, muscles rippling against his white shirt.

“Oh, I did!” you’re affronted, swinging your legs on the high chair, “I totally did last week!”

“Yeah, well. Can you say it while I’m not inside you?”

“Okay,” you blink, quirking him with a simple smile, “I like you.”

“That was anticlimactic,” Jungkook jokes at the brevity of your confession, yet his heart betrays the charm he finds in the three words.

You scoff, jabbing your fork in the little next of springy noodles. “What do you want to hear? I’ve wanted you since I’ve moved in? I think you’re really handsome when you pace the hallway doing work on your phone? I like the way you cook?”

“Keep going,” Jungkook sing songs, walking over to hug you from behind.

The stool swings back and forth as he rocks the two of you, softly and slowly so you don’t throw up your dinner. He noses into your neck, inhaling your scent and committing it to your memory.

“Mm, dessert first,” you insist, twirling around the stool so you can wrap your legs around his waist. “And then I can tell you exactly how much I like you,” your fingers play with the buttons of his shirt, walking the pads of your fingers across his chest.

Jungkook grins, hands reaching to cup your bottom and bring you to his bedroom. Of course, he’s always willing to satisfy your insatiable appetite.

#jungkook smut #jungkook x reader #btsguild #btswritingcafe #btsghostie #kwritersworldnet #jungkook fic #bts smut #bts fic

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nojey · 3 years

Text

reminiscing (fans 2)

dreamwastaken x streamer!reader

genre: angst pronouns: they / them word count: 2.1k warning(s): failed relationship, cursing

fans (part 1)

synopsis: after taking 6 months off from social media, you finally explain to your fans why you took so long and why you needed it.

go live. *click*

you watched as your chat strolled in and viewer count go up. your computer screen illuminating your face in the dark room as your webcam caught the nervous look. you were shaking your leg up and down, a habit you caught whenever you tried to calm yourself down.

“hi everyone, it’s been a while since my last stream, huh?” you dryly chuckled. “it’s been about.. 6 months since i last streamed and at this point i think i’ve taken enough time to correctly word how i’m going to tell everyone why i decided to take a break from streaming.” you said looking down at the ground and fiddling with your fingers.

“uh, donation notifications will be off for this stream and chat will be on emotes only because i really just want to focus on getting this out. but if you plan on donating, thank you so much, really, it means the world to me.” you said finally looking at your webcam and smiling a bit. you read a chat and answer, “yes, i’m doing okay. i just have a big announcement i want to say after i tell you guys why i took a break.”

you took a deep breath in and started. “ over a year ago, almost 2, i met this guy through a friend and we started talking. it was very little at the beginning but as little as it was, his texts always made me smile.” you scratched the back of your neck. “and as time went on, we started talking more and more and he just became part of my daily routine. when i woke up i’d see a good morning text from him, we’d spend most of our day being on the phone with each other, i was even on facetime with him most of my streams but i had an airpod under my headset so you couldn’t really see it, i almost always fell asleep on facetime with him. i really fell for this guy.” you fondly smiled, looking at your desk, where your phone used to be propped up and you would see clays face just looking at you.

“then we started streaming together. ‘omg he’s a streamer too’ yeah, and a lot of you probably know who i’m talking about at this point but i still won’t disclose who it is. i uh, got a lot of messages from you guys telling me that i looked super happy that stream and i was. i was always happy when i talked to him. but along with those messages i also got a lot of hate, telling me to stay away from him. it didn’t really bother me because i always get hate when i stream with my guy friends; i was used to it.” you said, taking a sip from your water then wiping the side of your eye as it teared up.

“and today... i’ll be going on the dream smp! with the man himself, dream. dream, say hi now.” you introduced, you waited a few seconds but was only met with silence. you grabbed your phone and sent him a voice message, “clay! you’re on deafen! introduce yourself!” you screamed into your phone. dream then took himself off deafen and said. “hi (y/s/n)’s chat! i’m dream, i’ll be showing (y/n) around the smp today and we’re gonna get started on their house.” you smiled fondly when you heard him speak. “yeah! what dream said!”

so you both logged into the dream smp, said hi to sapnap, and dream gave you a tour. you then started building your house in a forest, quite far from everyone else, “i don’t want anyone bothering you or ruining your house when you’re not on.” he explained. you told dream you wanted to build a cottage so if anyone does end up stumbling upon it, it looks welcoming to them. so dream started building your house for you even though you insisted you do it together. “dream! let me help, this is supposed to be my house.” you dragged. “well we can both decorate inside and make it our house.” you started blushing. “i guess..” you mumbled. you then started adventuring out to look for flowers and some things to decorate the house with.

you started placing flowers down into flower pots when you noticed something. “dream there’s only one bedroom.” you mentioned. he slowly turned around to look at you and quickly turned back and placed two beds next to each other. “this is our room, dumbass.”

later that night you checked your twitter dms and saw many people telling you to stop talking to dream and that you weren’t good enough to even know him. you sighed and powered down your phone.

“i think a few weeks after that he asked me if i could fly out to him and we’d meet in person. i was so excited i immediately started packing and i met him. it was amazing! i got to meet the guy i’ve been in love with for the past few months. i think it may have been a year already. but yeah, i finally got to meet him and being in his arms was the best feeling in the world, i felt so safe being with him.”

“it was the day after that, when he asked me on a date and i, of course, said yes. like who would say no to the person they fell in love with... so we went on a date and at the end of it we were just sitting on top of the hood of the car, eating dinner, watching the sunset and talking about a future we wanted together. and it may seem like we were moving fast but i knew 7 months into talking to him that he felt the same way about me. no matter if either of us disclosed it. i could tell and i knew he knew the same about me. then i went home and everything was perfect, i wasn’t his girlfriend yet though because we wanted to wait a bit.”

“that’s when everything went downhill, i think” you looked up to try to stop the tears from going down your face, but they fell anyways so you just let it be.

“we started streaming more and more and i started getting more hate than i usually got, this time getting death threats, people threatening to leak my address if i didn’t stop being friends with him. it was crazy but i was willing to endure it all for him. who cares what people on the internet are going to say to me? i really didn’t because i was happy enough with him that, that happiness overcame whatever type of hate i was getting.” tears kept falling from your eyes but you didn’t bother to wipe it, knowing it would just keep happening.

“dude you’re so annoying! you definitely cheated!” you screamed as you died. through your headset you could hear clay wheezing. “there was no way i was cheating!” he said through his laughs. “ask my chat, they saw the whole thing.” you breathed out, not wanting to believe him till a dono was sent to you, “yeah, (y/n) you just suck at this game,” you gasped, your jaw hanging then you started pouting. it was clipped and one of your viewers sent it to dream. he suddenly started laughing harder and you asked him why he was laughing, with a pout still on your face. “even your chat knows i didn’t cheat!” you started laughing too, till you read a message in the chat saying, “ew, their laugh is ugly. i don’t know why dream likes them.” you stopped laughing but kept a fake smile on your face.

“then he called me and he told me that he didn’t think we should be dating anymore, or even be friends. and i think it was because he saw the hate i was getting and he didn’t like that. he told me a different reason as to why he didn’t think we should date anymore but i didn’t believe it, but i let him go. because i was not going to force him to be with me if he really did mean it. “ you said, sniffling after so you didn’t sound too congested as you spoke.

after you hung up, you curled into a ball and cried. you cried, and cried, and cried. the feeling in your chest hurting more than you could ever imagine. you just lost the guy you wanted to marry, the guy you had spent over a year going to because of your problems, the guys you saw having kids with, the guy that made everything worth it. he was the only person on your mind as the pain in your chest grew. you tweeted and powered your phone off straight after. you didn’t want anyone messaging you asking what was wrong, knowing your friends they would do that.

“so the reason i took a break from streaming was because of that. because i resented the people that sent me hate so much i couldn’t bring myself to stream. i didn’t resent them because they sent me hate. i resent them because the hate they sent me caused the guy i really wanted to be with to make me believe he didn’t love me like i love him.” now, you were sobbing, letting your cry’s out because you had been holding them in for too long.

it had been a few months and you were on snapchat, seeing that you had a memory a year ago today, you checked it. “i think i literally met my soulmate.” with a picture of you and clay in a discord call. your breath got caught in your throat and your breathing became labored. your eyes started stinging as the tears started falling. it’s happening again, all the pain from the day you stopped talking to him came back and once again, you were crying into your hands and you couldn’t stop.

“i had always known that becoming a streamer i would get hate, but i never thought that i would get enough hate to prevent a relationship i really wanted to work. now all i do is reminisce of a guy i wish could be mine”

“streaming has brought me so many opportunities and i am so grateful for everything you guys have done for me, and for me to be able to do something i love and make money from it is insane to me. you guys have given me everything i ever wanted in life up until that point and i am so grateful and appreciative of that. you guys gave me friendships that i will never lose and never forget. so many of you have told me that i’ve saved you and changed your lives but trust me when i say you guys have saved me and changed my life too. i hope i repaid you back by making you smile, being your comfort streamer, and being a support system for each of you. but i think this is my end of the road. i fucking love streaming, i love you guys. but every time i click that “go live” button or even try to, all i think about is him and that’s too painful for me right now. maybe in the future i’ll find my way back here but i can’t promise that.”

“thank you guys, so, so, so, so, much for every single opportunity given to me, for everything. i love you all. my dms are still open. and this was (y/s/n), signing off for possibly the last time. goodbye everyone.”

end stream. *click*

a tear rolling down his face and falling onto his keyboard as he watched you finally say goodbye to your stream. it all just felt like you were saying your last goodbye to him again.

for the last 6 months all clay could do was think about you and how he wished he just messaged you and told you he was sorry and didn’t mean what he said. that he misses you and he would quit streaming if that meant he could be with you. that all he wanted was to feel you in his arms again and just live out the future you two planned together.

but if you just said goodbye to your chat for your last stream because you couldn’t stand the thought of him whenever you tried to stream. how could you ever forgive him?

the thought of never speaking to you hit him once more and again, he cried, sobbed, screamed, threw things, and even then, he knew.. you would never be coming back to him, with every fiber in his being, wishing you would.

—————

taglist: @loxbbg @bozowrites @noahsfag @sparklykeylime @bi-narystars @axths @cheybaee @letsloveimagines @meatte @julesamen21 @classyunknownlover @bad268 @strawbrinkofdeath

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struggling-with-time · 3 years

Text

The Man That Is Wilbur Soot [Wilbur Soot x reader]

Paring: c!Wilbur Soot x Gender neutral!reader

Summary: Inspired by the Song Honey Honey by ABBA aka I took the line "I'd heard about you before I wanted to know some more"

Warnings: Fluff?

Words: 3.4K

Masterlist: Wilbur’s Masterlist - Event Masterlist - Full Masterlist

A/N: This was made for my ABBA event. Check it out here! (Also requests are still open! Click here!) btw, this was supposed to be like 1k

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

You had heard about Wilbur Soot before. Everyone had heard about Wilbur Soot the President of L’Manberg. The guy who stood up to the Tyrant Dream of the SMP. And came out victorious, unlike the others whose life has been lost to the Tyrant, and their names to the passage of time.

You can’t say, he didn’t intrigue you enough, for you to set out on the dangerous journey that is crossing the SMP. Because he did. His country did. The ideals that you’ve heard about did. Everything intrigued you enough to leave your village behind and track into the world.

So that’s what you did, backpack on your shoulders, map in hand. You set into the big world, on the tracks to the dangerous country that the SMP is. You barely get out of the village before you are able to hitch a ride.

It’s a merchant that is headed for one of the villages closer to the border. It’s a bigger village than your own. The name rings a bell, maybe a traveller has mentioned it when passing by. So you hitch the ride, he tells you about his trades. He’s a merchant of fabrics, listing many places you haven’t even heard of. But there is one that catches your attention.

“You’ve been to L’Manberg?”

“Before it became independent yes.”

“Tell me about it!”

And the merchant does, for the entirety of the ride. He talks about the few people that resided there when he passed through the back then settlement. You beg him to tell each detail he can remember. And he happily provides. You take note of every you hear in your notebook. Your travel journal. Your… well diary.

He’s a good man, you note to yourself when he pulls into the bigger villages. The sun on the horizon.

You’re much further than you thought you would be on your first day.

This is going to be a good trip.

---

This is going to be a horrible trip.

You’ve been wandering for days, the closer to the border of the SMP, the fewer carts had come by, and even fewer willing to take a traveller with them.

You sigh as you watch the sun starting to set, and you are forced to make camp once more. It has been days since you last slept in a bed. To be exact 16 days. You had only managed to stay in an inn for the first night, realising your small amount of money wouldn’t get you far if you spent it all on beds.

You are reminded of the people whom you met that first night, a girl who talked about how President Soot had come by the town in his own travels to the SMP, and she had met him. No not just met him. She had spent the night with him.

And you just couldn’t help yourself, you had to quill your curiosity somehow, so you had once again asked for details, and she had provided.

The fire you get going is better than the last one. Not that the last one had ever turned into a fire. It had rained in the morning, and most of the wood you could find yesterday was still wet by the time you wanted to settle down.

But today, you had been lucky, it had been sunny all day, leading to being able to find dry sticks and a couple of pieces of logs. That you could make into a fire.

A clear stary night over your head as you turn in for the night. Hoping to get at least a couple of hours out of the fire to keep you warm. And to keep the mobs away. Knowing you still have a couple of days of wandering left before you will reach the borders of the SMP. You sigh as you jolt down the few interesting pieces of the day in your notebook.

Not that anything of importance actually happened. But maybe out there someone would read your notebook and find the fact that you saw a parrot in a birch forest be found interesting.

---

You have under half a day of walking left when a cart is willing to pick you up. Turning the hours of walking into a mere hour in the cart. You can feel yourself squirm in your seat as the silence falls upon you and the woman who picked you up.

“…So… Why are you heading to the border?”

She lets you sit in silence.

Rude much?

But… You can’t really call her rude, she was nice enough to pick you up and take you to the border. Where she very unceremoniously dropped you off, and headed off east, seemingly following the border never crossing it. She was… weird.

You instead tighten your back, and head over to the guarded tollbooth. A man looking bored out of his mind and close to sleep sits there. Not even having registered the cart that was there moments ago.

How often do people come through here?

The thought crosses your mind. You know it isn’t one of the main border entrances. You know of one that lies further west. But still, a good 2 to 3 days travel away. Besides you’re pretty sure someone told you the toll at the busy entrances is higher than the ones people rarely use.

But now that you are here and can read the price yourself. It seems the person had either lied to you, or the price at the main entrances are a lot higher than you could ever think about paying.

An idea strikes you, maybe… Just maybe… The guard will fall asleep. Just maybe. You linger on the side of the road. Seemingly interested in the plants nearby. You start jotting down stuff in your notebook. Taking note of the size of the leaves, the colour. You mumble the information to yourself.

Your eyes keep glancing over, as his head slumps down further and further.

It barely takes you a few more minutes of stalling before the guard is full-on snoring. You barely catch yourself nearly letting out a sound in victory.

Silent. Right. No noise.

You can do this. You can sneak past him. You can be silent.

You suck in a breath, as you start moving as slowly as you’ve ever done in your life. Hoping to the sky gods the slowness helps you with being silent. And it does, to some extent. But your backpack still rustles around, and the loose stones on the pathway still skirt across the dirt.

But he keeps sleeping, and before you know it, you’ve managed to sneak past him. Sneak into a country. You did it!

You decide your celebration is best celebrated far from here, and you make your way on the now stone path.

---

It takes you a couple of days before you hit your first village. You’re surprised by this. Normally there is a city around half a days’ time from most border crossings. But this is the SMP. The fact that its citizens aren’t exactly allowed to leave. Is more than public knowledge in other countries. They are under the rule of a Tyrant after all.

You figure it’s time to sleep in a real bed, you deserve it.

You head straight into the in, it’s barely past lunch, but there is a plentiful of people in there already. You stumble a bit at the sight, you had expected a couple of patrons, not a room full of people. But nonetheless, you make your way to the bar.

Conversations bustling around you, a waiter running around, and either the innkeeper themselves behind the bar, or just a barkeeper. You aren’t exactly sure. But you wave them down anyway. Maybe she can help you find the innkeeper and ask for a room.

“Well, hello there, you look exhausted.” Your shoulders sink further down at the comment. Did you really look that bad?

“I was wondering if you had a room I could rent?” you ignore the rude comment and stick to politeness.

“I figured.”

“… So um… Do you have a room free?” You try once again.

“Sorry hun, but if you hadn’t noticed we are full right now.” You completely deflate at the answer. In return, she takes pity on you. “But if you ask around over at the stables, someone might let you on as a passenger and take you to the next city. It’s half a day by cart, so you might just catch one if you’re fast.”

You beam up that answer, profusely thanking her, before running back into the street. Before realising you have no clue where the stables are.

It takes you two people, and three wrong turns to find the stables. And nobody is preparing any carts when you get there. Just a guy saddling his own horse.

Ah well, it never hurts to ask.

You approach the guy.

“Hi!”

He looks a bit confused when you stand across from him, on the other side of the horse.

“Um… good evening?”

You smile at him.

“Can I help you?” He speaks slowly.

“Ah yes! Sorry! I’m a bit out of it. I’m trying to get to the next town over.” You happily tell him.

“And you’re telling me this because…” He trails off. Leaving time for you to answer, instead, you leave him hanging. Until he coughs.

“Because…” He repeats.

“Because I was thinking, maybe you were heading that way.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“I can pay…” You try.

“Well then, why didn’t you start with that.” He looks you and your baggage up and down twice before clicking his tongue. “We can make this work. Do you know how to hold on?”

You nod, and he settles onto his horse, waiting for you to do the same. You manage to hoist yourself up and onto the horse. It doesn’t even flinch at the added weight. You’re thankful to the sky gods for that.

He rides the two of you out of town and onto the road for the next town.

“What’s someone like you this far out in the country?”

“I’m a traveller.” You tell him.

“To the border? So you could look at it and head home?” He snorts.

“No no, I’m not from the SMP, I’m just travelling through. I’m headed to L’Manberg.” He snorts once more.

“L’Manberg? That bunch of spoiled brats.”

“Spoiled brats?”

He laughs this time.

“Don’t you know?”

“Know what?”

“You truly aren’t from these parts.” He comments, and let the conversation fade out after that.

You don’t question the man, instead just pays him as the sun starts to set, and you are once again in an unfamiliar village. At this point, you barely remember the route you used to take in your home from your house to the baker.

Okay, that’s a lie, that is a route that is embedded into your mind, that you could sleepwalk it. For the sole reason that the route had you pass the library. Which was a place you spent a lot of time. Especially after finding out about the interesting man of Wilbur Soot.

Some books portrayed him as a traitor of the SMP, others the hero of the folk. But every single depiction had one thing in common. That he was an interesting enough man for people to want to write about him.

And that made you interested in him. He had started a revolution in a country that wasn’t his. You weren’t sure where he was from. None of the books in your village had mentioned that.

You head into the inn, this time, it’s bustling from evening patrons, but nowhere as lively as the one in the previous town. The reception this time has a separate table. Which you welcome happily. This means you don’t have to cross another sea of half-drunken people you don’t know.

However once again, the inn is full.

What’s going on here?

This one is even larger than the other one and seemingly has fewer patrons. But you take the rejection with a head held high. Thank them for their time, as you head into the now dark streets.

You sit now on a couple of steps, you’re tired, exhausted, and just want to sleep in a bed.

The door opens.

You nearly leave your skin in shock. You had expected the owner to be asleep. Instead, an elderly lady stands there.

“Would you look at that? It seems I have a guest.” She speaks.

“No no, I’m just passing through, I’m sorry I just needed to rest for a moment. I’m sorry. I’ll be on my way!” You ramble on as you scramble from the stone step.

“Nonsense.” She tsks at you. “Come in you poor child.”

She steps back into the house, leaving the door open.

“You coming? Close the door after you, it gets so terrible cold at night.”

You find yourself following her. Closing the door after yourself. You carefully put down your backpack as she ushers you into a seat in the kitchen. Setting a plate of hot steaming soup in front of you. You nearly drool at the sight. You can’t remember the last time you had warm food. Especially not warm homemade food.

You are quick to dig in, and she laughs warmly at you. You feel comfortable here.

“Why were you out in the street this late? That’s no safe place to be.”

You stop the spoon still in your mouth. She laughs once again, but the kind air around her never leaves. You swallow and pull out the spoon.

“I’m making my way to L’Manberg.” You tell her.

“Ah, L’Manberg. I’ve heard about that place. President Soot right?”

“Yes, yes.” You nod at her. “Wilbur Soot.”

“Ah, the Antarctic prince.”

You stop once again.

“The what?”

“The Antarctic Prince?”

You hum.

“Ah my dear, President Soot is the second born of King Philza from the Antarctic Empire.”

You stare at her; this was new information. She laughs once more. You are quick to grab your notebook and write down the new information. How had something this important not been mentioned before? This explains so much to you. And it eagers you even more to continue the trip.

The man of Wilbur Soot only seems to keep getting more and more interesting as each day passes.

The kind lady offers you a bed and a bath.

You are more than happy to receive both. Although you would never admit that to anyone that you could barely recognise yourself in the mirror. And for the second realisation that night. You understood why the innkeepers didn’t want you around.

You’ve never slept as good as you did that night during your travels.

---

You stretch as you can feel the scorching heat of the sun above you. It has been three weeks since you left the kind lady. She had asked for her son to help you move deeper into the country, so you were closer to the border you are desperately trying to reach.

You had travelled with her son for about a week, when he had to start heading more west than south, you had thanked him as much as his mother. But he had brushed you off that having a travelling partner was nice, and that you if came back through he would love to hear stories of the famous L’Manberg and its citizens.

The map you had brought seems to not be well mapped in the SMP. It wasn’t something you were unprepared for, but it did surprise you how little it truly resembled the mapping of the roads.

But a map is a map, and a destination is a destination. So you head onwards.

And onwards…

Sometimes meeting other travellers now that you are deeper in the countries. The nights where you aren’t alone passes faster than the ones where you are.

You hear stories of L’Manberg you have never heard before, and retellings of events but in other perspectives.

It seems a lot of people have a lot of opinions on the small country. But you understand, you too would have a lot of opinions if a city suddenly started wanting independence from its country.

It takes you weeks before you start coming across people who have been near L’Manberg regularly. It gives you a sign of hope. You’re getting closer, your journey is reaching its destination.

---

It’s storming the day you spot the country on the horizon. It’s still storming by the time you reach the country. The SMP toll guard is seemingly nowhere nearby and you pass the border with ease this time. Luckily for you. Or else you would have to explain why a traveller like you didn’t have travel papers.

You had expected to be met with one of the cities of the small country immediately. But it seems they are further from the border. And by further, it takes you an hour at foot-travel to meet the capital of the small country.

The streets are bustling.

That’s when it hits you.

You’ve made it.

You’ve actually made it.

You might look mad, but you let out a laugh right then and there. A laugh of relief. A laugh of victory. A laugh of … being alive.

“Having fun there?”

You turn around, to be met with the eyes of a stranger. A tall brown-haired stranger, nonetheless.

“Yeah, I just… Yeah.” You trail off. You eye him up and down, he’s cute. You put your hand out to present yourself, your name, the country you came from, and the name of the village you used to live in.

“Wilbur Soot, President of L’Manberg.” He returns with a smile. You barely listen to his words. Too captured by his smile. When…

Oh.

Oh, sky gods.

This is the man.

This beautiful human being of a man is the man.

“You alright there?” He asks as he watches you falter for a moment.

“Yes, yes, everything is fine. More than fine actually.” You tell him.

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” You smile at him, and he smiles back.

“So, what are you doing here? You are an awful long way from home.”

He starts walking, and you fall in step with him.

“I’m here to see the country. I’ve heard a lot about it.” Leaving out the unsaid, I’ve heard a lot about you. He didn’t need to know yet, just how intriguing you found him.

You follow him down the street as he points a couple of things out, a couple of buildings, a couple of people. You listen and stop to note something down a couple of times, and he waits, patiently. Until he leads you to the local inn.

He holds the door open.

“A drink?”

“Yes please.”

He finds the two of you a booth, and you easily fall into conversation.

He asks you about your hometown, you about his.

He asks about your journey, you ask about the revolution.

You continue this game of ping pong. And the further down your drinks you get, the more personal the conversation gets. The less you note down. Yet, the man himself never falters from being the most interesting thing you’ve ever encountered.

And the night moves along, your conversation following.

You don’t really know when his hand landed on your thigh. Or when your lips met his. But suddenly you’re stumbling into a room together.

His touch setting you on fire, and your touch egging him on.

Your head is spinning as your back hits the bed.

Your notebook is lying tucked away safely in your backpack, staying there all the way into midday when you finally wake up. Disorientated, confused, and hungover.

Sitting there in that bed, you can’t help but remember the words of the girl you met the first night. And you can’t help but agree with her. Wilbur Soot surely is a love machine.

You hear rustling beside you, and you turn your head.

He’s awake.

He’s watching.

He’s watching you.

You lazily smile at him.

And at that moment, there is nowhere else you would rather be.

You had heard about him before, and you wanted to know some more.

People later down the line found your meeting story anywhere from boring to fate. But one thing was sure, you entered L’Manberg with one goal in mind. And never left again.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

#wilbur soot #wilbur soot x you #wilbur soot x reader #c!wilbur soot x reader #c!wilbur soot #c!wilbur #c!wilbur x reader #c!wilbur fanfic #c!wilbur x you #c!wilbur soot x you #dsmp wilbur #dsmp #mcyt #mcyt x reader #fanfic #gender neutral!reader #delias own writing

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angelicyoongie · 4 years

Text

Out of the Woods (II)

— pairing: wolf hybrid namjoon x human f!reader — genre: fluff, angst, slight smut — word count: 5.5K — warnings: injury, blood, mentions of past abuse — summary: Promising Jihyo that you were going to stay away from your writing for one weekend had been easy in theory, but much harder to actually do once you reached the little cabin the woods. To make matters worse, the only thing that rivals your inability to keep promises is your terrible luck – and after a particularly bad choice leads you to get lost in the mountains, you suppose that it's only karma that you end up face to face with a wolf that looks ready to rip your throat out.

Part I / II / III

You stare at the hand wrapped tightly around yours as the wolf hybrid leads you down the rest of the slope. You can still feel the imprint of his chest against your back, the lingering heat from his body still wrapped around yours. The ghost of his raspy, smooth voice brushing over your ear, his words branded into your chest.

Please don’t leave me.

You wince with each step, the dull pain in your ankle growing harder to ignore. You can see the muscles in his golden arms tense as your step falters, the wolf hybrid’s grip tightening before you can stumble down the last stretch of the incline. He’s keeping your hand almost at height with his shoulders, making it easier for you to borrow some support as you hobble forward.

You keep yourself focused on his hand, on how his long and slender fingers are enveloping yours. They’re a little rough against your skin, but they’re still pretty. Your cheeks are flushed red as you limp forward, but you blame that on the near death experience you just had – and certainly not on the hybrid’s thumb absentmindedly running over your knuckles every few steps. And it’s definitely not because the man in front of you is completely naked. The close proximity means that the expanse of the hybrid’s broad back fills most of your vision, but you’re not willing to take any chances. His body isn’t there for you to ogle at. So, his hand is a good, safe, place for you eyes to latch on to. The hybrid clearly doesn’t have any qualms about his lack of clothes, and it makes you wonder just how long he’s been out here on his own – how long he’s been alone.

You swallow thickly as the ground underneath your feet begins to flatten out, the strain on your ankle becoming a little less painful. You can probably walk on your own now, but it doesn’t seem like the wolf hybrid has any plans of letting you do that, his fingers wrapping even more firmly around yours as you try to let go of his hand. You see a few faint marks on the inside of his wrist, but the angle his hold your hand makes it too difficult to make anything out. If anything, it’s likely just some scratches from the wilderness. You can’t help but notice that one of his gray ears seem to be permanently turned in your direction, only twitching when you let out little huffs of air.

He hasn’t spoken since he uttered those four words – not since he begged you to stay, and the only thing you could think to do was shakily step out of his embrace and ask him to bring you back down. You can’t stay. You're not quite sure why the realization makes you feel so torn. Sure, the hybrid has taken care of you, but you don’t really know him. Hell, you don’t even know his name. But still, your heart stutters painfully as you remember the desperation in his voice, the subdued whine that escaped his lips as you pulled away. The hybrid had only given you a curt nod in response to your request, his back turned to you and hand outstretched before you could even get a good look on his face.

You sneak a quick peek at his profile as he helps you along the path, your breath getting caught in your throat as you catch a glimpse of his strong jaw and oh no, is that a dimple? The wolf hybrid’s silver ears and messy hair compliments his sunkissed skin beautifully, and there is no doubt in your mind that this man must be stunning. Maybe it’s a good thing you haven’t gotten a good look at his face yet, getting weak in the knees sounds like bad plan when you’re already one foot down. You quickly push the thoughts away, turning your attention back to the forest in front of you. You swear something about it looks a little more familiar than before. You only need to hobble through the forest for another few minutes before you realize why.

The wolf hybrid has lead you straight to the lake you and Jihyo passed two days ago, the exact one you were trying to find when you managed to get lost. The weather might be slightly gloomier today, but it still looks absolutely breathtaking as you draw closer. The tension in your shoulders ease up as you realize just how close you are to the cabin, it probably won’t take much longer than an hour to get back even with your throbbing foot. Which is great, but the release of tension also makes you acutely aware of just how irritated your ankle truly is, and it feels like it might break clean off if you don’t get a break soon.

“Can we, uh, rest for a little while? My foot ..” You trail off uncertainly, watching as the hybrid’s head cocks in your direction. He stops in his tracks, ears swivelling around rapidly as he listens to the forest, his grip still tight around yours. He gives you another nod after a few seconds of silence, steering you carefully over to a fallen log. You close your eyes in relief as you sit down, a groan falling from your lips as you finally get the chance to alleviate the pressure on your ankle.

“Thank you,” You murmur, glancing down at your foot as you try to best position to rest it in. You freeze as you see the wolf hybrid’s bare feet out of the corner of your eye, heat creeping up your neck as you realize the position you’ve put yourself in. You’re at eye-level with his dick. There’s no way to look up at him without seeing it, and that’s not something you want to deal with right now.

“Here," You hastily shrug off your windbreaker, offering it out for the hybrid with a grimace, “you can use it to cover up.” Rough fingers brush over your own as the wolf hybrid grabs your jacket, presumably–hopefully–wrapping it around his waist as you keep your eyes firmly on the ground. You don’t dare lift your gaze until the hybrid sinks down on the log next to you with a huff, your heart nearly leaping out of your chest as you find his eyes already locked onto your face.

The wolf hybrid is beautiful. Your lips part open in surprise as you take in his face, the slight pout to his lips and the gentleness in his expression leaving you a little breathless. He looks kind. Sweet. You don’t understand how someone like him could be left out here all alone.

“I-I'm sorry,” The wolf hybrid cowers under your stunned gaze, his ears falling flat against his head. “Should I stay .. wolf? You upset,” His voice is hoarse and pained as he stutters out his words, his lips forming awkwardly around the syllables. The intention behind his words hits you like a slap to the face. He thinks you don’t like his human form, and he’s willing to turn back to not make you upset.

“No!” You blurt, “I mean, I’m uh, not upset. If you want to, please stay in your human form. It’s nice to be able to talk to you.” The wolf hybrid doesn’t quite seem to believe you, his ears pressing even flatter against his head as he shakes his head.

“What’s your name?”

The hybrid's mouth is pressed into a thin line, and for a second you think he might not answer, but then he mutters out a soft, “Namjoon.”

“Namjoon?” You echo, finding you like the way his name rolls off your tongue. The wolf hybrid’s ears perk up at the sound of his name, the bushy tail behind his back doing a startled wag as Namjoon’s eyes find yours. You give him a soft smile, rubbing your hands nervously at your thighs as you finally ask the question that has been burning away at your curiosity for the past few hours.

“Why are you out here all alone?” The muscles in Namjoon's shoulders tense at your question, the warmth in his golden brown eyes hardening into something you can’t quite decipher. The wolf hybrid looks ready to bolt any second, his eyes flickering around the forest as he says, “Ran way .. bad place. No going back.”

You detest that you’re not even surprised, that the mistreatment of hybrids is so common that it has become almost more normal than treating them like actual human beings. The wolf hybrid looks to be your age, maybe even a little older, and it makes your stomach drop to think about just how many years he must’ve spent out here in his animal form for speech to become this hard – for it to become a struggle.

“I’m so sorry Namjoon, it must’ve been hard being all alone up here,” Your fingers twitch against your thigh, resisting the urge to reach out for him.

“Not alone now, have you,” Namjoon’s raspy voice sends a shiver down your spine, the certainty laced with his next word making your heart skip a beat. “Pack.” The wolf hybrid carefully reaches out for your hand, slowly wrapping his fingers around yours as he watches your mind trying to process his words.

You know it normally takes a long time for a hybrid to consider someone, especially humans, to be a part of their pack, so the fact that Namjoon refers to you as his after only a few days leaves you stunned – and a little bit out of your depth. Then again, Namjoon’s situation isn’t exactly normal. Usually hybrids are much more in-tune with both their human and animal side, but from what you can gather, it doesn’t seem like Namjoon has tapped into his humanity in years. It would make sense for his animal instincts to be more dominant, for doubt and hesitation to take a backseat. But still, his pack?

You catch the slight motion as the wolf hybrid’s eyes stray to your neck, the memory hitting you at full force now that you realize the implications behind your actions. In the midst of your panic when you thought Namjoon was going to tear you limb from limb, you had bared you neck. You had submitted. And Namjoon had accepted you. You wince, sucking in a deep breath as unease swirls in your stomach. Even if you weren’t aware of what you were doing at the time, this is still your fault. You really want to fix this whole mess, but you fear that the one thing you can’t do for him, is the only thing the hybrid wants.

“Namjoon,” You hesitate as you feel his tail wag happily against the log, the words feeling heavy on your tongue as you say, “I can’t stay.” A lull falls over the forest as the rhythmic thumping stops, the grip around your hand slackening as the wolf hybrid hangs his head.

He keeps his eyes on the ground as he whispers out a broken, “Don’t go.” You feel your heart ache as you watch him open and close his mouth, the furrow between his brows deepening as he can’t seem to find the words he needs. “Take care of you. Please.” You think it might hurt less if you just let the wolf hybrid rip you to shreds instead, the pained desperation in his voice making you eyes sting.

“I’m sorry,” You mutter, “I need to go home.” The word leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Home. At the start of your trip you couldn’t wait to return to your apartment, but when you really think about it, have you ever truly considered it home? Sure, you've managed to make it nice and cozy over the last years, but there’s no warmth there, no sense of belonging. Still – you can’t stay here in the mountains.

Namjoon’s ears are pressed flat against his head, his expression turning blank as he withdraws his hand. “Okay,” The wolf hybrid’s jaw is tense as he stares out at the lake, his gaze empty and distant. You ignore the throbbing in your foot as you clamber back up to your feet, taking a few steps forward as you take in the sight of the lake for the last time. The scattered wildflowers don’t seem as charming anymore, and the large body of water suddenly feels more imposing than welcoming. You freeze as Namjoon lets out a low groan, the sound suddenly transforming into a whimper behind your back. You nearly jolt out of your skin as something wet touches your hand, a warm breath spilling across your fingers as you look down. You meet Namjoon’s golden eyes, the wolf letting out a small huff before he nudges your windbreaker closer to your feet. You don’t know why it feels like a defeat that he transformed back, but you can’t shake the hollow feeling in your chest as you thread your fingers into his fur, jacket wrapped around your waist as he leads you back to the cabin.

The wolf’s ears starts to flicker a few minutes before you can pick up Jihyo’s frantic speech in the distance, the dark roof of the cabin coming into view. You’re a little off the trail, the forest much denser around this side of the clearing. Namjoon suddenly halts as he reaches the edge, and you wince from the extra force on your foot as you stumble to catch yourself. The wolf’s tail is tucked between his legs, a pitiful whimper filling the silence as you gently untangle your hand from his fur. You brush it down carefully, already missing the coarse yet soft hairs tickling against your skin as you take a step back.

“Thank you Namjoon,” You swallow around the lump in your throat, forcing your lips into a soft smile as you gaze down at him. The wolf turns his head back to the forest, golden eyes scanning the area before he quickly pushes his head against your hand, guiding your palm over the fur between his ears. Your knees go weak with fondness as you pat his head, the wolf swiping his tongue over the exposed skin of your wrist as you scratch behind his ears. It’s Namjoon that reluctantly pulls away first, his golden eyes soft yet sad as he pushes his snout one last time against your palm. He sits down with a huff, turning his head in the direction of the cabin. The message is clear; he’s not leaving until you are. The goodbye grows and dies in your mouth, your lips refusing to let it slip past as you look down at him. You spare him one last glance, trying to commit as much of him to memory as you can, before you stumble out of the tree line.

It only takes a few steps before you hear Jihyo’s shrill, “Y/n!” and you watch as your friend sprints across the field to meet you. Jihyo knocks into you so hard you nearly topple over, her arms wrapped around your body so tightly you almost fear she’ll squeeze you to death.

“Where were you? What happened? Oh my god, you’re hurt!–” You let Jihyo’s concerned rambling distract you from the empty feeling in your stomach, each step feeling heavier than the last as she helps you walk back to the cabin. You spare one last glance over your shoulder, hoping to maybe see a flash of silver through the trees, but there’s nothing.

Namjoon is gone.

And you’re both alone again.

It was all a rush after you returned. Jihyo had been searching for you night and day, a few of her father’s best employees helping out. The road up to the cabin had been cleared, so instead of having to trek down on your sprained ankle, Jihyo had whisked you away in a car with the destination set for the closest hospital. It took a while before you could collect your thoughts enough to tell her what happened, the words sounding ridiculous even to your own ears as you retold the story.

Jihyo had a deep frown on her face from the hospital to your apartment, uncharacteristically silent as she helped you to your couch. Sinking down on the mountain of plush pillows felt like heaven after sleeping on the ground for two nights, your limbs tired and aching. You really need a shower, but the temptation to rest your foot for an hour is frankly too strong. You watch as Jihyo raids your fridge for drinks and food, the frown not leaving her lips until you’ve stuffed your face with a sandwich.

“Why didn’t you just ask him to come with you?” You nearly choke on a piece of bread at her sudden question, quickly taking a sip of water to chase it down.

“What do you mean?” You croak.

“Well, it’s not like he specifically asked you to stay up in the mountains right? He only asked that you would stay with him. I’m not sure how much I like this, but he did take care of you, and he brought you back safely. If he wanted to hurt you he had many opportunities to do so,” Jihyo purses her lips, her eyes flickering around the room.

"You seem .. smitten. I can remember the last time you looked so fond talking about someone else. It seems like he already considers you to be his pack, so if you want to, I don’t see any harm in asking him to come home with you,” You feel a steady blush rise in your cheeks as Jihyo talks, your heart skipping a beat at the thought of having Namjoon here in your apartment. You couldn’t ..

"It’s not natural or healthy for hybrids to be alone and shifted for such a long time, so you would honestly be doing him a favour. Even if he doesn’t stay with you, he needs to get checked-up.” You find yourself nodding along to Jihyo’s words before you can stop yourself, her eyebrows rising in amusement. She is right, after all. Even if Namjoon doesn’t want to stay, it’s important to make sure he’s healthy. Even you go in for yearly check-ups, and you’re sure it’s been far too long since Namjoon did the same. You have to go back and find him.

“But–” Jihyo presses a finger to your chest, “you’re not going anywhere yet. The doctor said full rest for a week, so that’s what you’re going to do.” She shakes her head before you can protest, giving you a stern look as she says, “You’re in no condition to go after him now, you need to heal up if you want to find him again. I’ve seen enough animal planet to know that wolves have pretty big territories, and you won’t be able to cover that much ground with a sprained ankle.” You sink back down in the couch with a disgruntled sound, hating the fact that she’s completely right. You’ll have to wait until you’ve healed. You just hope it won’t be too late.

“Namjoon?” You wince at the rawness in your throat, your voice ringing through the silent forest. You’ve been out here for hours, but no matter where you go, there’s no sign of the wolf hybrid. You even managed to get back to the little cave Namjoon had brought you to, but that too was completely untouched. The only trail you had is dead. The area you’ve ventured into is much denser and harder to navigate, but you refuse to leave until you find him.

You grumble under your breath as a branch almost whacks you straight in the face, and you push it away with a little more force than necessary as you trek on deeper into the woods. Your ankle has healed up nicely, but there’s still a dull ache from the amount of walking you’re putting yourself through. The sprain wasn’t all that bad; it was mostly just the fact that you kept aggravating it that made it so painful. A week of rest did you wonders, and a little bit of discomfort is a price you’re more than willing to pay if it means you’ll find Namjoon again.

“Namjoon?” You call out again, halting in your tracks as you strain to listen for any sounds out of the ordinary. You let out a sigh at the silence that greets you, shaking your head lightly as you take a step forward. You freeze as your foot connect with the ground, a distant howl echoing through the forest. Namjoon.

You can barely even hear the second howl over the frantic beat of your own heart as you take off, stumbling and tripping over roots and twigs as you run in what you hope is the right direction. The mountain is disorienting at best, but you have no fear of getting lost this time. Jihyo made sure you would be properly prepared.

It’s not until the fourth howl that you realize two things – one, the sound is much closer than you anticipated, and two, it sounds pained. You urge your legs to move faster, your gaze shifting wildly over your surroundings as you call out for him again. You swear you see a flash of silver behind a cluster of trees, and you quickly switch your direction, running straight for what you hope is the wolf hybrid.

“Namjo–” You choke as you skid to a stop, your stomach dropping so fast it leaves you feeling dizzy.

Blood. There’s so much blood. Namjoon’s gray fur is stained with it, the hairs matted and red. You can see the rusted metal of an old bear trap clamped tightly around one of his hind legs, the bone snapped in an awkward angle. Oh god. A pained whine rips you out of your building panic, and the sight of the wolf hybrid attempting to drag himself closer to you despite the trap on his leg finally jolts you back into action.

“No no no, stay still!” You cry as you scramble forward, your stomach doing a dangerous flip as the metallic scent of Namjoon’s blood washes over you. The wolf hybrid is panting as you drop to your knees in front of him, his ears plastered against his skull as he lets out low whimper.

“It-it’s going to be okay,” You hear your voice tremble as you reach out for his head, gently cupping his cheeks between your hands. Namjoon lets the tension in his neck drop the moment you get your hands on him, his head heavy in your hold as you run your fingers over his fur. The wolf hybrid’s body is shaking, his golden eyes barely open as he lets out another whine. You have no idea how many hours he’s been like this, but it’s been too long. He's lost way too much blood.

“You’re going to be fine Namjoon,” You swallow down the bile in your throat as you shuffle around, shifting your hold to gently place his head in your lap. He immediately tries to shuffle closer, not giving up until he’s plastered against your stomach.

“Just, don’t shift, okay? Please don’t shift,” You hastily dig your burrowed phone out of your pocket, vision blurry as you type in Jihyo’s number. Seeing Namjoon’s human form might make it easier to gauge his injuries, but if he shifts while he’s still trapped, you have no doubt it’s just going to tear his leg up even more.

He lets out a whine as you hands leave his fur, his eyes almost rolled back into his head from the pain. The leg that’s trapped doesn’t even twitch, and Namjoon’s body feels horribly cold as you hurry to run your hands over his fur.

“Y/n? Did you find him?” Jihyo’s voice has never sounded more angelic than when she picks up the phone, you body sagging with relief.

“You can track my location, right? It’s Namjoon–” You force down the sob bubbling in your throat as the wolf hybrid whimpers at the sound of his name, the sound soft and weak. “–he’s hurt.”

“Excuse me,” You whip your head up at the sound of someone clearing their throat, a rather frazzled nurse standing in front you. “Are you here with the wolf hybrid? Kim Namjoon?”

“I am. Is something wrong?” You push out of the plastic chair with a wince, ignoring the queasy feeling in your stomach. It’s been hours since you arrived at the hospital, but the image of Namjoon’s blood pooling around his body doesn’t seem to want to let go of you just yet.

“He’s–" The nurse let out a deep sigh, “I think you need to come with me.” She turns on her heel, motioning for you to follow without another word. Oh god, what if he’s dead? The wolf hybrid had been rushed into an emergency operation immediately upon arrival, so there wasn’t much else that you could do than wait. Hope that he would be okay.

You hurry after the nurse, nearly tripping over your own feet at quick speed she keeps as she marches down the hall. You’ve barely managed to catch up when she halts outside a door, an exasperated expression on her face as she says, “We’re keeping him under observation for now and he’s not really supposed to have any visitors yet, but he’s being … difficult.” You jump as something clatters to the ground inside the room, the deep growl hardly even muffled by the closed door.

“He’s a still a little out of it, but not dangerous. You’ll see what I mean,” With that, the nurse pushes the door open, stepping aside to allow you entry into Namjoon’s room. You suck in a breath as you step inside, the floor littered with scattered papers and trays. Namjoon is perched up in bed, a heavy cast around his leg. Whatever they were trying to do, the wolf hybrid obviously wasn’t having it. He’s twisted towards the doctor by his side, the man keeping a good distance from the injured hybrid as he let out another harsh growl. You stare in shock as Namjoon bares his teeth, his posture rigid and tense as he eyes the doctor distrustfully. The doctor notices you before Namjoon does, a soft 'thank god' muttered under his breath as he waves for you to come closer.

“Hey Namjoon,” The wolf hybrids nose wrinkles just as your soft voice carries across the room, his ears springing up on his head as he shifts his attention to you.

“Y/n,” Namjoon’s eyes light up as he catches sight of you, his hands practically tearing up the bed sheets as he tries to untangle himself. The action feels awfully familiar to when he tried to drag himself closer despite the bear trap, and you have no intention of watching him trying to walk on his broken leg.

“I thought I told you to stop moving,” You rush forward before he can get himself fully out of bed, pushing him back with a firm shove to his chest. Namjoon falls back without protest, his wide eyes scanning over your face as a loopy smile blooms on his lips.

“Sorry,” He rasps as he engulfs your hand with his, keeping it tucked securely against his body. You can feel the steady thrum of his heart against your palm, beating in rhythm with the soft beeps from the monitor he’s hooked up to.

“We were trying to explain to Mr. Kim that we need to do some tests, but he doesn’t quite seem to share the same sentiment,” The doctor glances back towards the door as a the nurse brings in a new tray of equipment, a weary frown on his face as he picks up a shot. The growl builds in Namjoon’s throat so fast you nearly jump out of your skin, the hold he has around your hand feels like he’s two seconds away from snapping it in half.

“It’s okay, it’s just some standard shots,” You hesitantly bring your hand up to his face, slowly turning his head back in your direction.

“You haven’t had check-ups in a while right?” The wolf hybrid shakes his head, his ears twitching as his attention flickers back and fourth between you and the doctor. “It’s just to make sure you stay healthy.” Namjoon nuzzles against your hand with a soft whimper as you run your thumb along his cheek.

“Makes me feel .. bad. Sleepy,” Namjoon’s speech seems to flow a little easier than it did a week ago, but the struggle to find the right words is still there, his brows furrowing in concentration as he whispers, "Don’t like it.”

You swallow thickly, your stomach in knots as you ask, “Did your owner give you those? The shots that made you sleepy?” The wolf hybrid makes a low sound of agreement, his ears turning back. The marks on his wrist you couldn’t figure out, they’re needle marks. You’ve heard of it before, how some owners would drug their more exotic hybrids to keep them calm and docile – to silence the part of their genetics that make them so unique. You glance down at Namjoon, the wolf hybrid staring up at you with so much vulnerability and trust that the thought of someone taking advantage of that it makes you feel ill.

“These won’t make you feel that way, I promise.” You muster up the warmest smile you can manage as you peek over at the doctor, a silent plea in your eyes.

“Oh! Don’t worry Mr. Kim, there are no side effects to these shots. You’ll hardly even notice it,” The doctor quickly adds as he takes a careful step forward. Namjoon lets out a slow breath, golden eyes finding yours and his tail draping across his lap as he grumbles out a hesitant “Okay.”

“–All done!” You can see the doctor’s shoulders visibly drop as he finally gets the chance to move back, obviously relieved to put some distance between himself and Namjoon. “I’ll be back later to check on your leg and make sure everything is okay.” The sour expression on Namjoon’s face softens as the doctor hurries out the door, the grip around your hand loosening slightly as it clicks shut behind him.

“May I speak with you outside alone for a minute, miss?” You look up at the nurse as she finishes placing a band-aid on Namjoon’s arm, the empty shots rolling around in the tray as she picks it up.

“Oh, sure,” Namjoon lets out a whine as you try to step away, lips formed into a soft pout as you gently extract your hand from his grip. “Don’t worry, I’ll be right back,” You give his shoulder a squeeze before you follow the nurse out, shooting Namjoon what you hope is a comforting smile over your shoulder. The wolf hybrid keeps his eyes trained on you as you leave, his distressed gaze still burning into your back as you close the door behind you. You only take a few steps down the hall before the nurse turns to face you, her expression troubled as she looks you up and down, “I take it he’s not your hybrid?”

“No, he’s not,” You quickly shake your head. “I came across him up in the mountains. He said he ran away from his old owner, and that it was a ‘bad place’. I’m pretty sure it must’ve been a couple of years at least,” You wince. The nurse nods, her gaze shifting around the busy hallway as she thinks.

“I’ll have someone look into it. We need to settle his hospital bills, and only his legal owner can do that.” She must see the way your face drops, because she quickly adds, “I could tell from his old scars that he’s likely been abused. Even if we find his owner, they’re not going to be allowed to take him home. It’ll be looked into.”

“Right, thanks.” You muster up a weak smile. You know how these things go. Even if there’s an investigation, the police are too easy to buy off. There are frankly too many cases like Namjoon’s, and too few cops that actually treat their abuse seriously.

“Can I stay with him until his owner shows up?”

“It’s a little unorthodox, but yes, you can. I don’t think he’ll actually stay inside his room if you don’t.” The nurse lets out a huff, a flash of amusement in her eyes as she waves for you to go back inside. “I’ll let you know once we figure it out, it shouldn’t take too long.”

“Thank you.”

Turning to face Namjoon’s door, you try to shake off the anxious feeling festering in your stomach. You’re not going to let him go back to his old owner. You’re honestly not even sure how you’ve managed to grow attached so quickly, but there’s just something about the wolf hybrid that makes you ready to fight tooth and nail for his safety and happiness – even if it means he won’t find it with you.

a/n: ahah heyy ... let's just ignore that it took me two months to update this, okay? thank you aksjsk. i decided to split the last part into two, to give myself more time to write a little bit of extra fluff (and smut)! so the third and final part is hopefully coming next week, but if not, it will at least be posted by the end of november. namjoon's speech will get better in the next part and we will learn more about him + his and y/n's relationship will grow! if you like the story then please drop me a reblog/comment, that would mean the world to me! (ps. this story has no tag list!)

as always, see you all soon and stay safe! <3 and in case you enjoy my stories and want to buy me a coffee, you can do so here! 💖

#hybrid bts #hybrid au #namjoon x reader #hybrid namjoon #wolf hybrid namjoon #hybrid!bts #bts au #bts fluff #bts angst #hybridbtsnetwork #bts x reader #out of the woods

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