#i have nothing to do but im stressed bc theres still lots to DO just nothing urgent

[15000bugs]

NEED TO GO HOME AND WRITE SOOO BAD RAHHHHHH

[etherealkissed88]

i asked you something and you not only were mean, but you are also making fun of me on twitter. i felt so embarrased that i had to delete my account. you made me feel so bad. i did nothing to you. you had no reason to be so mean. english is not my first lenguage so i also have trouble communicating, i understand half of what you post here. karma will hit you so hard.

lets quote what i said “no i dont believe they are possible 🥰 which is why i have a whole page dedicated to manifesting stuff 😍”

this isnt mean, this is sarcasm. you communicate very well actually but heres the thing: i looked at ur account and you repost a lot of loa content. if you read all those posts especially the ones about desired appearance which is what you were asking about, it doesnt make sense for you to ask me “do you believe its actually possible to manifest a desired appearance.”

and do not use your language barrier as an excuse to make me feel bad because i rly dont. if you were so bad at communitcating, you wouldn’t be able to communicate to me both this time and the previous time, plus y would u read and repost loa content if u had an issue w language? i know you understand loa but when ppl keep searching and searching for outside answers and validation, it doesnt get them anywhere. believe me - ive “coached” ppl who repeatedly asked me the same questions over and over again despite my whole account and posts being right there. they still struggle because they only ask questions and never apply.

the same fingers you used to type the question, you could have used those same fingers to scroll thro my page like you did with the other content creators. i get it if you are new to loa (even tho you could have read the content that was already there and even tho u already reposted content answering ur own question) but as someone who creates loa content everyday, its disrespectful from my point of view that i work hard for these posts and ppl dont even look at it and instead ask the most limiting questions ever. its almost like “why would i waste my time w these posts”. if you dont understand this, its bc you arent someone who gets 20 repetitive asks everyday meanwhile their answers being right on my page. it can be stressful and so annoying.

now back to my original answer: “no i dont believe they are possible 🥰 which is why i have a whole page dedicated to manifesting stuff 😍”. if u think this was mean, its bc you knew the answer was yes, it is possible. why else would i have a page dedicated to manifesting if it wasnt possible to “actually manifest a desired appearance”. my answer simply guided you to your own answer and to search my page if you still had (better) questions. what i said was literally not mean😭 and if you still believe so then thats fine bc its never that big of a deal. and i wasnt making fun of u on twitter, i simply said the exact thing i originally answered you with💀

idk if ur a beginner in the law or not but either way, you should know that anything is possible w the law. if u didnt know that, then now you know (and ik you know based on ur reaction to my original answer). and karma isnt real so it will not “hit me hard”🥶

im sorry if you rly have a language barrier issue but from my pov, that was the best, most appropiate reply i could have given. even other loa content creators can agree bc they know how ppl can get in their asks inbox. reread this whole thing if theres still an issue.

and dw u can just make another account like you did just now🤭

[itgomyway]

former limiting beliefs i used to hold and how i let them go ♡

(disclaimer: these are based off of my own experience! share yours on your own blog 🥰)

“the 3d HAS to reflect the 4d just understand you have it in your 4d no matter what.” um there is no separation between the 3d and 4d when you are already 1 being (consciousness). theres no need to live in a separate entity known as imagination when its the same as the “3d” anyways. the concepts of “imagination” “physical world” or “3d” are just false forms of consciousness youve made up and personified it as real. they are not. only you are.

“the more you repeat your affirmations the more likely they will come” theres nothing to “do” or say that will bring me my desires since i am everything i already am my desires. the idea of “doing” anything to “get something” outside of me doesnt make sense when its all in me. affirmations can be used to “bring things to your awareness” but understand the affirmations themselves are STILL not bringing you anyway. just making you aware of things.

“dont check the 3d! you’ll be in a state of lack/showing yourself you dont have it!” PLS GIVE ME A BREAK?? why the fuck are you telling urself you are with someone but afraid to check their socials or for their notifications? either date someone u like or you dont think you have it. because lets be honest. if you really were in a relationship with your desired person the idea of “checking the 3d”- which u already claim IS your 4d- shouldnt be an issue. and if it is then something aint right but i wont judge!

“youre in a state of neutrality if you dont care ab not getting your desires and you dont have them” damn yall strict asf. you cant even be indifferent without it meaning something. you either have it or you dont. if im indifférent its bc i have it why stress? fucking decide already

“neville taught ab non dualism!” here we go. then why tf did you misinterpret his words like that and make it sound obnoxious? i believe he did, just like his teacher, teach non dualism (the power of awareness by him is great) but his teachings are a far cry from the nonsense most of you spew in his name. and dont even get me started on how neville used to refer to the law of assumption as the “law of consciousness” but i digress. if you separate yourself or any aspects of being then it isnt non dualism.*

going into my next point “you HAVE to read source to understand!!” i am so glad most of the law of assumption community is breaking free from this mindset cuz you infact do not HAVE to read anything. if you are the operant (main) power doesnt this mean you are your own source? oh i thought so…

“work on your self concept to manifest your sp if you dont have them your sc is shitty” well it wasnt shitty til you told me i had work to do 💀. once again there is NOTHING you need to do but “be”. working on your sc can help u feel better ab yourself for sure but its not required!

for supposedly limitless beings, a lot of yall are very limited. be careful who you get your advice from because personally i wouldnt take after someone whos too scared to text their sp- oops i mean significant other. (disclaimer: once again not bashing loa just the users who can’t decide that they believe and switch every other day. very common on law of assumption twitter!)

if you realize youve been limiting yourself this whole time and now youre like “what now-“ well as ive stated before, theres STILL nothing you need to do. youre not missing anything. this isnt a blog on why you dont have your desires, i cant tell you the answer im not your creator. (you also are everything so you in fact have your desires)

like non dualism, i hope to share this way of life with you as you’re not getting anything so theres no need for limitations. LIVE YOUR LIFE. if someone is advising you to fear your own power then ignore them cuz wtf! life is suppose to be fun not a rule book!

*disclaimer: i have nothing against neville goddard. i really like some of his teachings. however i would never go to one of his living students for advice, ESPECIALLY on twitter. not only do most parrot the same limiting beliefs he himself didnt hold, but most are obnoxious about the topic of the law of assumption. i don’t even “manifest” but if i were trying to and had them to go to I’d probably cry. if you really wish to read “source”, read The Power Of Awareness by Neville Goddard and Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle 💜 learn from the teachers themselves FIRST <3

© itgomyway

[andromeddog]

hi! love your art :) i just wanted to ask if you have any resources you’d recommend for WWI uniform/gear references for art purposes? i’ve been struggling to find good refs (especially for officers/anything beyond just the basic infantry uniforms) so i thought i’d ask what you tend to use! thanks & have a great day!

hello hey hi!!! ty for the message i love talking about uniforms and spend way too many hours of the day looking for reference of them

so i talked a bit about this before in this post! i stand by a lot of what was said there aka pinterest, google searching/scouring, and that book i linked........ these are all good for officers too! looking for officer ref is often very similar to infantry stuff, tho there may just be less of it depending on what specifically you're looking for. if you are looking for very specific references and want to get insane about it i can talk about that too.... tho i would like to say i dont have like one specific website to link bc i use so many different ones only like once or twice

if you're willing to spend money i'd recommend looking for books on the subject- there is always one strange book from like 1970 about the helmets of ww1 on ebay or something. the nice thing about that is they will typically name the different parts of a uniform, which allows you to google that specific thing to get a closer look. learning about the makeup of a uniform/everything's specific use helps when its time to draw them. ofc this isnt a super sustainable option but investing in a good encyclopedia once has saved me so much time. that guide to ww1 has been well loved

if youre not looking to spend money there are still a lot of options. stuff i like in no particular order:

reenactment pictures- action shots, higher quality pictures than something from 1918. you can find whole galleries of people's reenactment battles (?? is that what theyre called??) if you do a little clicking around.

stock photo websites- be really careful here bc you dont want to get into trouble with usage rights. i only rly use these if im desperate and then very sparingly and piecemeal bc i dont want to get in trouble lol

websites where they sell reproduction/reenactment uniforms- here is an example. reproduction stuff is great bc u can usually find every little bit of the uniform being sold somewhere by someone. ebay has also been surprisingly helpful.

& the thing i would like to stress the most is that i rly dig for references. i literally have 21 tabs open with different searches for super specific things on my phone at this very moment. i use google image search extensively and scroll through literally so many jpegs, pngs, pdfs, webps, etc etc etc. the unfortunate truth is that the more specific you get the harder it is to find stuff. i recently drew a ussr female fighter pilot and had to get ref for her uniform from about 5 different sources (and that was one drawing!!!!!) sometimes i find a reference for the exact thing i need on a website that has nothing else of use to me. the best advice i have here is just keep scouring and clicking and you will eventually find something. i wish this was more helpful but once you know what you are looking for you can search for that thing specifically and that's a big help

this did not need to be so long but if theres one thing about me i will go on and on and on given the chance. im insane can you tell

[cios-correct-opinions]

@starrynightarchive

big ol tl;dr for anyone looking:

if ppl "not appreciating" female characters by creating content for them bc they don't want to bothers you that much? there's only one thing you can and should do:

MAKE YOUR OWN CONTENT OR APPRECIATION POSTS OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU THINK PEOPLE SHOULD DO INSTEAD AND STOP DEMANDING PEOPLE CHANGE THEIRS. IF YOUR FANDOM SPACE IS LACKING IN CONTENT YOU WANNA SEE? MAKE IT. DO IT. NOTHING'S STOPPING YOU EXCEPT YOURSELF.

but if you don't wanna do that and you don't wanna pay someone to, then stop complaining.

(note re: the discourse thing/me wanting to "start discourse": i only reblogged onto my "discourse" sideblog bc i didn't want this on my main blog. not bc i think it's automatically discourse. political stuff just goes over here now so i can keep the things more separated for my own sake)

op of the post blocked me but im genuinely baffled at this response

because how in the fuck did you gather ANY of that from me saying this

brother all i did was define what the word means. like i am so baffled as to how you decided that i was implying op was transphobic or some shit bc i absolutely was not!

nor was i trying to start discourse. i was literally just saying that, in my experience in the circles i'm in and the people i've seen, doing both is possible and they often do both. i'm not a huge fan of cis genderbends myself in any direction because if i'm gonna genderbend they're gonna be trans given that i am also trans

and then theres this that i said

which everyone seems to have completely ignored. bc that's the crux of this. it's not that they dislike the canon women it's that they want to take their blorbos they love the most and girl them because that's how fandom works. it's about self indulgence. fandom is supposed to be you doing what you love the most, and engaging with the characters you love the most, bc it's about fun

why are yall trying to force people to post abt characters they may not care for for a number of reasons? bc thats what this feels like. it feels like you want ppl to talk abt, post abt, write abt, draw abt, etc, characters they are not super passionate for, simply bc you believe they should, bc you think what they do in fandom is some kind of formula for their like, actual real world beliefs

i genuinely cannot stress enough to you guys that most peoples actions in fandom are almost entirely divorced from any political meaning. or at least, they were, until people started acting like that was a sin actually and that if you liked this character or if you liked too many male characters and not enough female ones that means youre secretly a misogynist who just hates women so much because you don't post about them all the time

most of my fandom blorboposting ends up being about a handful of any random assortment of characters because that's who my brain latches on to, but that doesn't say shit about my feelings about any other character. specifically in bsd, i mostly post and talk about literally two of the characters WAY more than the others bc they are my favorites. this includes ALL the other characters, just about. most of my fanworks are for them and will continue to be for them because they are my OTP and my top two in this series.

why is this important?

because someone genderbending a male character or multiple of them in order to see a CHARACTER THEY ALREADY THINK ABOUT 24/7 AND LIKE A LOT AND HAVE A DEEP ATTACHMENT TO, as a woman, does not mean they don't love and appreciate the canon women. holy shit. that's what i was criticizing in the original post.

also like. most of the ppl doing the genderbending i see are either women or like, somehow woman-aligned, or wlw/attracted to women in some way, etc. and most of them are making these genderbends bc theyre attracted to the canon character. it's self-indulgence it's ALMOST ALWAYS self-indulgence guys it's FANDOM that's what it's FOR you CANNOT FORCE SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT A CHARACTER FOR ANY REASON AND STILL MAKE AN ETHICAL ARGUMENT OUT OF IT JFC

it wasn't meant to be discourse on my end either. i was trying to offer an alternate reason or perspective of approaching what op seemed to think was an issue given the wording of the post, by offering my personal experience. i also never said op was wrong, by the way, my expression of disbelief was also put alongside me going "maybe it's just the people i follow" because i tend to follow people who, when they do genderbends, are also avid fans of the canon women too, they just like the men they're genderbending more. hence why they're doing that.

this expectation within fandom that people must create content of female characters - or ANY characters - lest they be accused of despising them or not appreciating them is going to be the death of fandom and i'm so fucking serious. you CANNOT insist people spend their time making shit for FREE that they aren't 100% jazzed and excited about in FANDOM SPACES and then get mad when they don't do that and expect fandom to be something that continues for generations as it has in the past

and for the record seeing as how op reblogged with this which. where do i even start lmao. ik they've written me off as a woman-hating misogynist so i'm not expecting good faith arguments in response from them but, c'est la vie

[teardew]

-

im thinking about making a patreon because i .. uh .. i cant justify drawing for myself anymore and its killing me lmao

it takes me really long to draw so any time i hav should be spent on comms... iv been trying to fight off burnout by drawing things i like inbetween commissions like that sv anatomy practice and vampire/werewolf mngling was just for me but it still ended up setting me behind schedule because i had to rest my eyes and wrist afterward. but not only that i also wanna like. make a lot more things ...

like i wanna do animal, insect, architectural, jewelry studies and fashion and character design explorations and try designing icon packs and branch out trying embroidery with mixed media and clothes making and get into making like 3d things with clay and soft sculptures. i wanna make historical fashion coloring books with việt phục and fashion zines ...

also theres a lot of stuff i dont post bc im not sure if anyone would be interested in all the design concepts and notes i had for example the homestuck dreamer outfits or the various sha hualing designs and sketches i had before getting to the thing i posted? like i hav a bunch of different sqh outfit and hair designs but theyr more clothing based and not detailed character/face art ...

idk !! it sounds like an excuse. its like, who cares just post it ! i know i shouldnt value my art by the amount of numbers i get from posting on social media and i dont mostly but its kinda unavoidable ? to me ? i know i only post fanart and ppl follow me for that and its not a bad thing ! being realistic i just dont think anybody but me would be interested in it ??

i dont know. god. i dont know what this post is about. ''i dont think anybody would be interested in the things i really wanna make'' but im thinking about making a patreon for things i really wanna make anyway because thats the only way i can justify it is if i can profit off it in some way. i dont really want to, but with my financial circumstances i dont know. i never wanted to make my livelihood off my art. i dont even consider or call myself an ''artist'' really, i just want to MAKE art

i dont know why i still cant find a steady job after 5 months applying to everything and its making me miserable. its embarassing, they say to be persistent with jobs but calling and even walking in to check on applications and watching employers awkwardly try to turn me away without just flat out telling me no even though none of them hire me is an exercise in public humiliation. how bad do you want a job? bad enough to make a fool of myself with nothing to show for it. and i want to make art for myself to cope but it takes too much time and time is money

maybe this post is about my art anxiety under capitalism. i dont know

i think im safe enough now to admit my friends gofundme i was posting about months ago about helping their friend escape their abusive household was actually my gofundme because i was worried about them finding out and preventing me from leaving or internet stalking me afterwards. i did hav a scare when i got a phone call i thought was from my brother but ended up being a police officer, whos my mother's friend ...

but anyways. me admitting this is just to give context that. i ran hundreds of miles away from financial security and everything i ever knew and im still struggling to find steady income nearly half a year later. i just dont understand what im doing wrong. is it my name? is it because im not from here? iv been working continuously ever since i could legally my resume isnt BAD. am i just stupid? should i have just tried to make peace with my lot in life?

i thought getting away from my family would let me be in a better place to create more art, thats one of the things i was so excited about but this feels just as stressful as when i was the only earner supporting my family during covid. i just want a stable job so i can make art. i dont want making art to be my Job. i dont want to be a ''starving artist'' begging for people to care about my art i just want to make art. but fuck i dont know how to sustain any of this

sorry for this mess. insurance is different out here and i havnt been able to find a psych either so its not like i can talk about this in therapy instead of venting on my art blog. all my life i wanted to make things without the fear of it all being destroyed. the main reason i havnt branched out from illustrations is because its entirety can be saved digitally even if its physically ruined. my sketchbooks were thrown away or ripped apart by my family either from carelessness or anger to hurt me but now that im finally enough safe to have them again or make something i can hold in my hands without the fear that someone will come in break it and make me clean up its corpse i cant afford it

i dont know what to do. is it worth it? is making art worth it? i mean. its worth the rent this month. and i still love drawing god this is probably bad for business because i dont want people to feel bad for commissioning me or anything but not to be dramatic why does it feel like im fucking dying

[bigb-enthusiast]

OK LET'S GO! i have no idea how long this ramble will be :D

-the au is MAINLY flower ranchers centric, focused on "grian went missing and now they have to find him". he joined a cult (the watchers) is what happened lol. theres lots of plot stuff and martyn bigb and pearl help them along with some other people but for bigb specifically!

-the nosy neighbors are very much Do Not Separate Under Any Fucking Circumstances!

-this is because BEFORE the main plot, they were best friends and ALSO joined the cult. they got fun magic while they were there (pearl can talk to animals and bigb can alter memories/make people want to do stuff they wouldnt normally) but also It Was Literally An Evil Cult.

-bigb was the one to figure it out. he was fooling around with his magic and thought too hard about his and pearls circumstances and basically went "hangon this is bad stuff we're doing here??" (The watchers were making them do bad stuff with their magic. This is Important Trauma Event #1

-he and pearl make an escape attempt and barely succeed bc the watchers tried to mind control bigb sort of and 1) make him not leave and 2) make him make pearl not leave, WITH HIS MAGIC! BY MAKING BOTH OF THEM FORGET EVERYTHING! He snaps, kills a guy or seven, Gets Him And His Bestie The Fuck Out Of There, and loses a bunch of his magical ability in the process! :D Trauma Event #2.

-unfortunately there were even more side effects than this

-he now sometimes forgets what he was doing but with full hours disappearing except for some vague memories. also he randomly lies to people about unimportant things for no reason! This Is On Accident, I Cannot Stress This Enough. also he's not even using his magic then but he keeps rolling nat 20s on charisma soooo (Trama Event(s) #3). fortunately it's only little things like what he ate for breakfast or that he saw a cool bug or what his fav ice cream flavor is. nothing big enough to have serious fallout

-(he still gets very worried about that though, but pearl is there to help him <3 neither of them have told anybody* about anything they went through also so they literally only have each other. theyre just trying to be normal people)

-*we'll get to that later :)

-I mentioned that he lost a bunch of his magical ability! Well he still has enough that he can use magic it just takes a lot more energy and effort and like he can't just wave a hand and someone forgets their entire life (he used to be that strong.) now though he can still fiddle with peoples minds but he HATES doing it bc of what the watchers made him do (im thinking they essentially tried to use him as a recruitment officer??) so in the (so far only one) incredibly rare circumstance he feels forced to actually use magic, he will become incredibly overwhelmed with guilt<3

-Now It's Time For The Fun Part.

-so we all know last life swamprot! there was a betrayal, a fuckton of guilt and sadness, and a Grudge.

-we're fastforwarding to the present, scott has obtained magic and he's close with cleo so he told her just about everything (with him and tango and jimmy at least). scott does not know about anyone else having magic yet. (Martyn also has magic from the listeners, but he's got his own stuff going on.)

-in CLEO'S past, martyn and her had... something going on. but martyn told her about his magic, so when scott told her, she already knew it was A Thing.

-BUT ACTUALLY, SHE EVEN KNEW BEFORE THEN!

-im thinking that one time after bigb had, like, a particularly bad memory/"i'm going to hurt everyone and not even know it" episode, pearl ends up a few days later in her OWN puddle of guilt bc she knows hes only suffering this bad bc she was there with him during all the watcher stuff and she gets drunk or something and goes to cleo to cry and ends up telling them E V E R Y T H I N G

-cleo, being a good friend, doesnt tell anyone anything and when pearl doesnt remember either the next day they think it best to let her forget too lest she panic. so cleo is basically the one friend that knows everyones secrets but none of the friends know about anyone else? later on everyone gets told everything but cleo was stuck with the Curse of Knowledge for a bit (side effect of being a trustworthy friend lmao)

-SO ONE DAY *cue evil laughter*

-one day, after the FRs have some adventure or whatnot, and cleo and bigb are hanging out, cleo decides that maybe it's time to help the nosy neighbors with their insane mental burdens. they try to allude to bigb that they KNOW, thinking that pearl would feel less bad about everything if B was also there to be like "hey man it's cool, i'm not mad at you" and all.

-B Fuckign Panics Again

-TIME FOR BIGB'S MAGIC ISSUES TO COME INTO PLAY AGAIN :D

-bigb, in this now-panic, makes cleo forget everything about HIM and magic. imagine "all instances of 'bigb' and 'magic' in the same thoughts or memories disappearing" type stuff. unfortunately cleo's known for long enough and still remembers pearl and martyn and scott and knows what bigb's power is and bigb just isnt thorough enough in a panic and his magic isnt strong enough to cover the gaps so when she blinks back into the present she Knows What He Did. and shes MAD

-(she knows why he did it, but she doesnt understand why he wouldnt trust her, but ESPECIALLY why even though he was SO scared of ever hurting anyone with his magic, he was willing to erase her memory without a second thought)

-This is Trauma Event #4

-now, he actually DID have a LOT of second thoughts. it took him a mental debate and a LOT of apologizing before and while he did it but he erased cleos memory of THAT in the process.

-and she doesnt have the backup memories to get that part back. so that's a tiny bit of miscommunication but it actually works well (i think)

-now once everything gets explained, for the most part everything gets cleared up, but bigb thinks cleo DOES remember him apologizing bc she remembered everything else, and cleo is mad at him because she DOESN'T, but that's mostly just a little bit of extra tension between them. everything else is fine

-(cleo martyn and nosy neighbors have the Important Informational Conversation before the FRs are made aware of any of their stuff though)

-theres still more but it's like scattered in bits and pieces that require a lot more explaining and this ask is long enough already LMAO

DO YOU LIKE WHAT I HAVE SO FAR :DDD

THIS IS WO COOL OMG WTF HRBWHICHWBCJEHCBEBGKFOJW

[asterssunzephyr]

TP&TS!Nature Wives angst, maybe? 👀👀👀

THERES SO MUCH I COULD GIVE YOU OH MY GOD?? They are the main couple after all(..One of the only ones, actually. Looking at Desert Duo & ShadowBeans being split up bc one is dead.. then looks at NW & FH.. hm..)

CW: Alcohol, Bars

Implied gay thoughts about your best friend's best friend

Implied Flower Husbands

Implied Bisexual Ren

Implied Gay Thoughts™️ about tp&ts!Gem from tp&ts!Shelby

-----

"You hurt Jimmy, why are you in my house."

"To talk to you-"

"Talk?! What is there to talk about, Shelby?!"

"A lot! I didnt- I didnt mean to hurt him!"

"Then why did you?!"

"I dont know!"

"Bullshit! Get out of my house. Get out, and dont return."

"But-"

"Out. and give me the key back."

"Sweetheart-"

"Dont. You dont get to call me that anymore, leave."

He stared at her, at the way she still looked so ethereal while pissed at him, but gave the key up with a sigh. They had no right to stay here, not at 2 in the morning when Katherine probably just got back from the heroes base after working with Gem all night.

Okay, she didnt know if that last part was true but from how tense and stressed Katherine looked, Shelby assumed!.. They walked to the door and took one last look at the love of their life, friend, enemy her and left.

That night was spent in the closest bar to Katherines house since she didnt want to go half way across town to the small apartment in Boatem.

"What are you doing this far across town."

They shot their eyes up to the person who slid into the booth across from them. Brown eyes and blonde hair; Jimmy. Why was he in this bar?

"..I wanted to talk to Kat, she didnt wanna hear it. Didnt want to walk all the way back to Boatem at 2 am."

A sip of the liquor in the glass and Shelby finally looked the taller in the eyes.

"I get that," A sip from his own glass, "Scott dragged Gem and I here."

"Gem's here?"

"She is."

Shelby looked for the hint of a lie, but knew better. Jimmy would never lie about Gem's location, not when he cared about her like he does.

"Shelby!"

Another voice, and an arm around her shoulder. Scott, and Gem sliding into the booth on the other side next to Jimmy.

Now, Shelby knew 3 things about themself and their feelings:

1. They're hopelessly in love with Katherine

2. They liked women, and honestly women only

3. Feelings are confusing

One thing he didnt know, however, was to stop staring at Gem who currently looked outright beautiful. Now, she is one to lie quite often, but if shes calling someone beautiful, it's because she means it; well, gods be damned does Shelby mean it.

Apparently, Gem hasn't noticed the staring to they quickly focused on their hands and the drink in it before downing the rest of the glass and calling for another.

See, for a long time, Shelby's known about their feelings for women and how its nothing how Ren felt for women, or men. She's always struggled with feelings, and for a long time coming to terms with being asexual was a lot; dont get the poor guy wrong, hes hopelessly in love with Katherine and knows it, but goddamn does Gem look great.

-

He focused back in on the conversation when his 2nd, 3rd, fourth drink arrived and took a slow sip out of the glass. Just now, had Shelby realized, Katherine was there and glaring daggers from the end of the table. They made eye contact and Shelby knew she was in trouble, apparently so did Scott with how fast he moved to let Katherine take his place next to the short villain friend.

"How many have you had."

"Uh-"

"She's had four."

"You were keeping track?!"

"I have to drive Scott and Gem home, of course I have. Weve been here for two hours, Shelby."

"Two hours?!"

Shelby winced at Katherine basically yelling next to them. Yep, big trouble.

"Thats it, come on."

"Where are we going?"

"My house, so you can sober up and sleep."

"Im not drunk!"

"Do I look like I care?"

"Well- No, but-"

"No. Cmon."

Shelby stumbled out of the booth as Katherine dragged them and he waved bye to the trio who just waved back; Scott with a "knowing" smirk.

-

"Are you fucking stupid?!"

"What?"

"Going to a bar, alone, at two in morning?!"

"Like going to boatem wouldve been any better?"

"Not-.. Not what Im saying."

"I just needed to clear my head, Katherine."

"If you wouldve said something-"

"You wouldnt let me! You were so pissed off at me that you wouldnt let me speak!"

"So were both in the wrong!"

"What have I done?!"

"GO TO A BAR, ALONE."

"AND?"

"Gods be damned youre an idiot."

"I tried to talk to you! You wouldnt let me!"

"Then you shouldve told me to shut up!"

"And risk being punched in the face?! Look, Its happened once before and I dont take too kindly to having a busted lip!"

Katherine rolled her eyes and threw a hoodie, a yellow one, at them and stormed off. Shelby simply took this as a sign to go take a shower before Katherine sends her back outside.

------

They both go to sleep angry that morning:). Gem, and Scott, wake up with hangovers btw LMFAO

[wellthatsunfortunate444]

this is gonna be a long ass rant about my 'friend' feel free to ignore, i just need to get this out somewhere cuz im literally shaking she makes me so mad <3

i have this friend, S, and she always goes on about how we are so close and she loves me and she hopes college (im in the uk so its college for 16-18) doesnt separate us and that we stay close etc etc.

but then shes such a bitch and i rlly dont know why im still friends with her. shes rlly insensitive about sh, i mentioned to her when i was younger that i did it and she was supportive, but now she makes jokes about it all the time and she doesnt know i didnt stop at 13.

i have a lot of family issues, and shes well aware of them, but she always tries to make me feel guilty about stuff e.g my mum has adhd and my younger brother has autism & adhd (im considered a young carer) and they both have physical health issues, so it can take ages for me to be able to leave the house if im getting dropped off. theres no bus that goes direct to her house (and i dont want to have to walk over an hour everytime i see her. i could but adding on the bus journey i would spend about 2 hours travelling just to see her, and she always insists i go to her so it would be rlly unfair. (i cant have friends over due to multiple reasons and omg does she bitch about that. she could still come to my town with me but she never has)) and i cant afford to uber all the time so my mum often drives me but we are late a lot. ive told her countless times that i cant control when i leave since there are so many outside factors out of my hands, and she always complains when im late and says its disrespectful that i dont turn up on time among other things.

shes an only child and lives with both parents who do everything for her, so she cant even begin to understand how stressful basic things can be for me and my family. my dad doesnt live with me (he also is undergoing treatment for brain cancer which she doesnt give a shit about, and even says stuff like "oh well you can still go out even if hes visiting, its not that big of a deal" if i tell her i cant go out cuz hes over on a break from chemo)

now shes mad at me because we are going to a mutual sleepover tmrw and she wanted to host pre drinks (which i honestly think is kinda pointless) with another friend before walking to the sleepover together. i asked my mum if she would take me and she initially said yes, but then she changed her mind because its easier to drop me to the mutual friends house from mine, and she doesnt see the point in driving further just for me to have to walk 30 minutes from S's house anyway. when i told S, she said that i was making excuses cuz i didnt wanna go, and that i dont make enough effort since if it were her she would just go anyway (ofc she would bc her parents do whatever she wants in fear of her having a tantrum). no matter how much i tried to explain that i cant change my mums mind, and that if i walk the 30 minutes to hers and then walk with her back to where i was dropped then 1. thats over an hour i have to walk for with my big overnight bag which i dont rlly wanna do, and 2. we will be late because im getting dropped when the sleepover starts.

she also brought up the fact that im often late to her, and said i shouldnt cancel the night before but i messaged her in the morning and she didnt reply, and also i only found out my mum would take me today so theres nothing i can do???

she tried to excuse it by saying shes frustrated that i cant go, and i told her thats not an excuse to suggest its my fault or to say im making excuses, and she left me on read.

shes such a bitch i cant wait to go to college and never have to see her again shes so self absorbed.

i get that its annoying, dont you think im fucking annoyed and i have to live it. and i havent even listed all the issues in this post. she only cares about how my life effects her, and never once has she checked if im ok despite me saying im stressed. i get shes not obligated to check on me, but she constantly goes on about how she loves me and she really doesnt act like it. even friends that i barely talk to have checked in on me after hearing about my home life.

i rlly do like her, and we could be so close if she was just less self absorbed. i cant bring myself to see her as a real friend, because she cant accept a giant part of my life and it really fucking hurts.

she makes me feel like im a terrible person, but theres nothing i can do to fix it. i fucking wish my life was more normal but its not and it never will be so highlighting that its not normal does nothing but make me feel like shit.

[sucrows]

knock knock o/ 👉👈 i have... many madara mikejima thoughts. and im still thinking abt mutual obsession with him so uhhhhhh cw unhealthy relationship? we know why we're here... excuse me being annoyingly longwinded orz this is barely sexy. this is just me thinking abt mama im so sorry crow aaaaa

madara mikejima is the guy who would be at your service at all times— no questions just pure devotion. for as long as he is around you, you might as well say you have your own personal assistant. theres so many examples of him doing stuff for others and i will never shut up abt his fs1 where anzu was like hey what if your exclusive outfit was just a loincloth and he was on board purely bc she likes it. HE HAS 0 SHAME IN DOING EVERYTHING YOU SAY. NONE. YOU COULD ASK HIM TO BARK AND HE WILL. when that guy loves someone, he craves them with his entire being and desires nothing more than to be in their life.

he's also not above just. asking for a fwb situation. he wouldn't be so blunt about it, but it'd be a slow coercing. mama isn't above lying about his motives either. maybe he sees you're stressed and hey. let him massage your shoulders. lay down. oh your back is just tense huh? and it escalates until he's just fucking you with reckless abandon. well your stress is gone now so he offers to make this a regular thing. no strings attached and no worries. he just wants to make you relaxed.

here's where it gets messy. mama is also out of town a lot for work. he goes overseas, just touring around. but bc he spends every waking moment he is in town attached to your hip, his absence is so. prominent. and god it feels so awful not seeing him. phone calls arent enough. good morning and goodnight texts are sporadic because he's so busy. you miss having mama around to hold you while you do work.

and it's not great for him either. he's constantly worried about you. he can't get you out of his head. when he finally gets back it's like he's moved heaven and earth buying you various trinkets that reminded him of you (some even extremely rare and valuable since... he just collects those things anyway)

just. intense back and forth of hapoiness being with him every single day to devastating loneliness whenever he leaves. each time he comes back, ofc intense welcome home sex ensues. but it never goes past the fwb stage. any deeper feelings he's harboured are shoved aside and he grows distant when he feels like you want to get even closer. he always wants what he can't have. and he'd rather you not be caught up in whatever bullshit he goes through so he lies to himself saying he's content with meaningless sex and just doing things for you. even when you have consumed his entire thoughts. yet he's unaware that you are much the same. craving him more and more that you wanna get through to him. but HIS FUCKASS LONESOME WAYS MAKES YOU HESITATE. SO YALL JUST GO NOWHERE. AND ITS JUST A "what are we?" LOOP

mf.... madara just will not communicate. he can't go beyond superficial desires and acts of service because it scares him to face the fact these feelings have grown wildly out of control. it scares him because the moment he does, he fears his own self destructive tendencies will take over and he'll just ruin everything. whats more is that imo i think he would still unconsciously do things like distance himself, not speak to you for days even after coming back as like a way for you to grow to resent him. that way if things crumble he can just say oh the signs were there as if he didn't put those flags up himself.

uh yea 💚 thats all. uhm. unrelated i think youre super cool and i hope ya have/had a good day dependin on when you get to this 💚

minty i am going to become the JOKER if you do not stop apologizing for things i actively invited you to do and that is a THREAT /lh

anyways, this is soooo tasty idgaf if it's more angsty than horny i'm eating this up anyways, thank you for the meal 🙏

Madara Mikejima, King of Miscommunication. He adores you and puts you on such a high pedestal that it becomes nearly impossible to convince him to stand by your side as your equal. He believes that you deserve better so much but he's also too selfish to give you up. He's not worthy of you, but neither is anyone else.

He wants the emotional intimacy. He wants the domesticity. He wants everything. Hell, he probably indulges in these things pretty often in a FWB relationship, but he can't ever tie you down. The moment he gets the inclination that you're getting too attached, he runs. When you're truly in a time of need he will always be there for you but otherwise he's as fickle as the wind.

It's a horrendously painful but addicting relationship that neither of you can truly break off

[redecoratetrees]

A’ight, help a baby clikkie out.

what are like. The top 5 essential tøp live performances/things I should see. (can be more than five idc)

combing through YouTube myself is hard, assume I’ve seen nothing but Icy. Gimme homework vids 💛 ERS intro blew my mind yesterday.

ok so this has taken me a while bc im trying to put together something comprehensive but not excessive. there this playlist that someone made that collects a ton of vessel (and a little rab) bts stuff so like tour diaries, interviews, etc. RAB the webseries is on there and RAB the webseries is rly fun if u like cute behind the scenes stuff. It's also the source of the sampled vocal on the hype, where u can hear tyler say "we're gonna rely pretty heavily on technology and energy to cover up for the fact that we're only two people." which i find cool

theres also a few tour recaps from BF era but my personal favorite is sleepers. they also did some for bandito tour.

Admittedly i dont watch a ton of interviews but the halloween one is very popular and gets referenced a lot. i also just rly like old interviews (second one is pre-josh and also has a live performance that i find rly charming)

and of course my whole thing is "guy with the excessively curated live playlists" so heres just a rundown of my favorite shows of theirs on youtube, why i like, why u shd watch (it got long, i italicized the ones i think are the most "important"):

Twenty One Pilots - Friend, Please Live @ The Battle Of The Bands 10-11-09 - as far as i know the only time theyve played it, this is the oldest video of them on youtube. this guys channel is a treasure trove for old videos.

Twenty one pilots- ode to sleep - that time they played in an apple store. total classic, i just chose ode to sleep bc its my favorite

Twenty One Pilots - Ode To Sleep Live @ The Newport Music Hall 5-27-11 - earliest show i have ever found with josh in the band! from that weird period after the og drummer left but the bassist was still there.

DRUM BATTLE: Twenty One Pilots - Groove Street Fest 2011 - 9.24.2011 - honestly i just have a personal fondness for this video. the idea that wd become the drum island, the guy in orange going ham, tyler drumming, them doing their own gear, its all very small band charming.

UG Studios session "Addict With A Pen" by Twenty One Pilots - in a word: iconic. a ridiculously emotional performance

Skeleton Bones Remain (Gunshot Intro) - twenty | one | pilots - literally just a 20 second intro but it is absolutely legendary. the british voice is named nigel he used to show up more, rip nigel (actually found a video of the intro going into OTS)

twenty one pilots: Heathens & Stressed Out (Live AMA Awards Performance 2016) - when they came out in those full face masks? iconic. twitter was blowing up, it was awesome.

twenty one pilots - Firefly Music Festival 2017 (Full Show) 1080p HD - this particular set is nothing special but its a festival set so its an hq multicam recording of a full set from blurryface era. it's got drumline josh, its got the crowdstand, its got the hamster ball, im pretty sure it has josh vs josh drum battle, all ur rly missing is the iconic (and dearly missed) old song medley, with the coolest B-stage design theyve ever had (yes cooler than bandito fight meeee)

Twenty One Pilots: Live at Lollapalooza Chicago 2019 (Full Show) - festival set for the hits but its trench now! bandito tour b-stage is also an essential tho. first leg they had the skybridge after that they walked thru the crowd.

My favorite shows that dont exist in one video are: vessel release show at basement. they played the whole record, secret show, very cool. and all of tour de columbus, which was when after BF they did a takeover tour style thing but just in columbus. I saw 2 of those and its my biggest flex to this day.

besides shows I wd also check out the MUTEMATH sessions (which i was blessed enough to see some of live! so badass!), this session where he did alt versions of some trench tunes (fought for my life to win tix. i did not win), also the video for the hype berlin is rly cute.

this got kinda lengthy with all the shows, i just love so many of them. I'd also seek out their snl performances if u feel like it, iirc they did ride, stressed out, and heathens, tyler did just the |-/ instead of the full paint on his hands it was sweet.

and to anyone else seeing this PLEASE add if theres anything u think i missed, any random events u remember that were cool, etc. most of what i remember is annoying twitter drama bc i was a teenager for BF

[im-smart-i-swear]

If funky guys had become paladins of voltron which one would be in which Lion?

back in the VERY early days of this whole au(like. buddys-name-was-still-ryou early) i wanted to base every clones personality/character on a diffrent lion.... but over time it slowly stopped fitting their personalities and i kinda abandoned the concept lol. though you can still see some remnants of that in . certain design choices...

going back to this concept after uhhh two years?? i think? was definetely interesting! all the characters changed WILDLY since then and i tried to re-assign the lions to fit the changes........ it was surprisingly hard

i couldnt for the life of me decide in a few cases, so instead im just gonna give the most suitable options lol

tashi & soup - im putting these two together beacuse- and i have NO IDEA how that would work- theyre copiloting the black lion! they function the best as a duo and separating them would NOT be a good idea in a situation as stressful and complicated as piloting voltron. they barely manage to keep everyone alive on a good day... also picking only one of the two as The Leader just feels wrong

buddy, ideally, would like to stay as FAR AWAY from voltron as psyhically possible, thank you very much- but nothing in this cruel world is ideal, so they get the red lion:) i actually have this whole story idea where basically stickbug ""goes rouge""(like. some sort of 'sleeper agent mode' left over by haggar gets activated by accident??) and runs away to do some evil shit so buddy goes after him(on a whim)(alone)(without telling the others) and while searching for him they bump into fUCKING VOLTRON- so they form a very uneasy truce until they find stick. and at some point buddy finds out he can pilot the red lion! its awful he hates it:/ he pilots anyway cause his loved one is in danger(this whole thing is way too complicated to talk about here lol)

i had A LOT of problems figuring out the last three..... they changed so much that i just cant rlly fit them into these categories anymore... but i tried!!

ORIGINALLY stickbug was supposed to be based on the green lion but he doesnt fit it as well anymore....... i think taks does pretty well tho! shes very bold and iquisitive and a pain in everyones ass<3 plus loves learning about diffrent planets' unique ecosystems n stuff. stick IS very curious and likes exploring so he still kinda fits? but hes not as forward as taks, so yeahhhh im very torn on this one

i have NO FUCKING CLUE what to do with blue. all three of em could propably fit there ngl....

yellow could either be taka or stickbug- taka is the youngest and the brightest, hes what brought all of them together in the first place(it takes a village to raise a child)....... buuuut hes not really a 'puts the needs of others above his own' kind of person? hes still a kid and NOT ready for that kind of responsibility. soup is an OBVIOUS choice here of course, but im not sure- honestly, the more i think about it, the more stickbug starts to feel like the best option here? ok hear me out: stickbug, for most of his life, had very little power over his life. even while with the funky guys(ESPECIALLY in the beggining, these bozos were dysfuctional as fuck) there were moments when the others would talk over him bc 'hes a kid', and even without that theres still his people pleasing problem wnich meant he often disregarded his own good to make other ppl content. so, taking this scrawny guy desperate for control over his life and putting him in the toughest, stongest, most resilient lion- basically i think he deserves to go a little apeshit. as a treat. let him wreck shit for once

honestly it kinda funny im stting here and calculating all of this like a mad man where IN THE ACTUAL SHOW the paladins switch the lions like pokemon cards

realistically speaking i think they would all trade and switch em a lot and then squabble over who gets to pilot yellow bc they ALL want to wreck shit sometimes:)

[astraystayyh]

why are kpop male idols so beautiful, sexy and handome at the same time? my insecurities could never date one of them yet every time i fall down a rabbit hole or find a new group, learn of their nsmes and ages and im like 30 something. i should be over this shit. but nope. why do they have to be so young? this is going to sound weird and probs perverted but like theres next to no groups for my age group in kpop besides gidle, blackpink, bts and day6. thats literally it

i do feel like the way they are making groups be so young is going to hinder kpop in however many years time bc im just not going to care if groups are made up of 16 something year olds. id be old enough to be some of the members parent its just fucking weird but i still want to like them except i feel like i shouldnt find them attractive even fi some of them have a 2/3/4/5 age gap do you think this is weird or gross or what?

(i assumed this is u ^ in the second ask but im replying to them both here :))

i do agree that in general kpop idols shouldn't debut as minors just from an ethical point of view, since they're so young and this job comes with so much stress, both physical and emotional and also lots of public scrutiny that a minor shouldn't go through. i think that a 5 years gap isn't weird at all, it means that the idol is 24-25 which is a fully developed adult so nothing wrong about it, you're not old at all too like 30 is such a young age idk why we demonize our thirties so much, u can still enjoy music and kpop ^^

[imustbenuts]

writing my scatterbrained thoughts on nirvana intiative after finishing it. im just gonna ramble about this specific game's buddhism narrative baked into it on top of the meta storytelling. LOL

so for... idk since the dawn of jrpg there has been a certain ingredient to pretty much all stories, and that ingredient is basically buddhism

buddhism frames the world as realms stacked on each other, and that by doing good deeds or accumulating good karma/merit, a one ascends into a higher plane upon death. repeat this enough and eventually one reaches nirvana, where one is free from the cycle of death and rebirth. doing bad deeds results in the opposite. the higher realm is populated by gods, and the lower ones by animals or hungry ghosts and the like.

buddhism also states that life is full of duhka, (unease, unsatisfactoriness, stress) and therefore breaking away from the duhka is the true end goal here. duhka is more often translated as suffering, but those meanings up there is closer.

ie. buddhism says understand the truth of the world, and you too can be liberated, is the basic idea.

aini plays on this a lot, but its stacking ideas of simulation theory, themes of existentialism and other esoteric ideas into it. buddha is explicitly referenced once, moksha is referenced a lot, and nirvana initiative is in the title. by the way, buddhism is extremely compatible with existential theories and ideas, its not a coincidence it pops up a lot.

but in reality, this line of thinking that the world is full of bad things is not very... healthy. because people miss one more critical component about buddhism, and this is reflected in naix' modus operandi too. naix/tokiko believes the truth of the world is a simulation, but in buddhism, a truer interpretation would have been that the key to the world is interdependence.

interdependence in video games, anime and manga are often framed as the power of friendship and bonds and etc, and its always framed as a heroes' journey. its the relationship between every one and everything in the world. no man is an island, and nothing can exist on its own. a hero cant mow down a hoard of enemies on their own without a couple of backups!

for example, what is a bicycle? is it the metallic frame? the wheels, the handle, the bell or the rubber seat? or is it the entire thing that comprises the idea of a bicycle?

similarly, in aitsf, theres hints about this already. what is the "i" in human? is it the body, the brain, the memories or the soul? is it all of it, where parts inform and affect each other, or is it just that one piece? if you remove even one bit, does that still qualify it as an "I"? what is an "I"?

anyway, all of those existential and rabbit hole questions aside, my interpretation of the whole AINI thing and why Ryuki Diverge ending is hollow is simple. loss and pain is part of the human journey. to remove them and achieve things easily is not typical of human life. to ignore pain and frame it as 'not there' is honestly dangerous and why Tearer became the way he did, i think. ("your pain is not real bc the world is not real", now have a character inflict this idea on others and you get a Jigsaw knockoff lmao)

i think tokiko is wrong also with her achieving moksha like this and insisting the world is a simulation and therefore everything is fake.

my personal thinking about the simulation theory even in real life right now is thus: my senses exist, and an "I" exist. therefore even if everything is fake, it still doesn't take away the fact that me stepping on a lego brick is still going to hurt like a son of a bitch.

similarly, if AITSF is going in that direction of 'oh no the world is fictional', what i care about more is what the narrative or characters do in spite of that.

i have a suspicion the 3rd game will play on this 'senses' and an 'I' idea, based off what happened in AITSF.

personally i think its just fun to keep watching these characters going in spite of everything and playing along with their meta narrative with the concept of a Frayer. bc for me, it's like "oh, this fictional game's universe is in danger and will end soon? lmaoo fuck that i'll just pay for the game 3 times and spread the word to my friends and we'll see if spike chunsoft terminates AITSF!", you know?

anyway, fire emblem plays on this a lot, and in Fire Emblem Heroes there's a player character named Kiran who shares similarity with the Frayer if one tries to analyze them with a buddhism lens. but since they never speak, its not obvious at all.

there's a saying in japan. Born Shinto, die Buddhist.

anyway theres also like a hundred other little themes built into AINI but yeah this is my thought on the meta part at least

whoops it got long teehee

[dykeyote]

what do you think jedidiah and yvonne’s friendship would have been like during college, particularly when sydney was comatose?

!!!!!! okay so this one im gonna do less evidence baded more interpretation bc like i think this is something that will be explored more Later so like obviously idk for sure . but from what i understand of how they talk about it it seems like yvonne and jedidiah first came to be friends probably through a good deal of effort on yvonnes part since jeddie obviously was scared of them in the beginning i doubt he was the one initiating the friendship . and i think it seems like they spent a lot of time together since yvonne references trying to bring jedidiah to parties a lot, and i also think it was usually just the two of them since joshua asks if he knows this story (implying theres at least Some yvonne and jeddie stories he doesnt know), yvonne doesnt seem at all as close to sydney as they do to jedidiah, and they dont really seem to have other mutual friends thatr referenced . i think they used to just hang out and play video games and joke around a lot - they strike me as the kind of friends who spend tons of time together and consider each other best friends but dont really emotionally open up to each other that often, just bc both of them seem to struggle with talking about their feelings at times (except w joshua on yvonnes end) and yvonne doesnt seem to know abt how jeddies relationship to sydney reallt works. but i do think jedidiah opens up to yvonne more than most ppl!! theres a bit of evidence for this (yvonne refers to jeddie as not having been Openly stressed out in ages which implies hes been stressed out before in private) and i also just think it makes sense given how willing jeddie is to open up to yvonne. and even if they dont open up as much they still get along well and enjoy each others company!! i think yvonne also helped jedidiah open up somewhat - definitely not Fully obviously but i think they were a large part of jedidiah growing less sheltered, trying new things and generally becoming less of the EXTREMELY sheltered college jeddie thats scared of dyed hair. i think yvonne was a good influence on him, yk? pushed him out of his comfort zone in a way that sydney isnt always able to do necessarily due to the weirdness of their dynamic, sydneys pushes of jeddie to get out of his comfort zone tend to go too far and make jeddie uncomfortable whereas yvonnes seem to do more to be helpful - say what u will abt the skyrim dance scene but he definitely did loosen up and have fun lol

when sydney was comatose is trickier so thisll be more fuzzy since that whole timeline confuses me but based off of what yvonnes said about jedidiahs last year of college . my basic interpretation of yvonne and jedidiahs friendship at that time is that i think jedidiah began to start falling apart at the seams a little bit and began pushing people away and avoiding people and yvonne just sort of backed off a little because they werent totally sure what to do or say . yvonne references wanting to do a better job of helping jedidiah sooner than they did back then and yvonne seems to struggle with communicating with people sometimes - i think they didnt know what to say to jedidiah or how to help, and eventually things got so bad that there was nothing To do to help at all bc things just wouldnt get through to him even if you tried your best to help . i think yvonne and jedidiah largely get along due to their difficulty with emotional expression but i also think that became a major Flaw in their relationship as things went bad becaus i think jeddie couldnt ask for help an dyvonne couldnt bridge the gap

[gothwizardmagic]

lots of homeschooling lore in your tags these days LMAO would you mind sharing a bit about how that works? genuinely curious

lmao sure tho it isnt the most exciting story

my mum always wanted to homeschool bc she wasnt a fan of how restrictive school curriculums are (shes v much an advocate for montessori style child-directed learning) but i wanted to go to school Like The Kids On TV so she let me. i spent about 3 years at primary school where i was the classroom punching bag THE ENTIRE TIME. highlights include being pushed down a flight of stairs IN FRONT OF A TEACHER WHO DID NOTHING, another teacher punishing me for being better at maths than my classmates bc i kept tearing through her worksheets too fast (i cant do maths for shit anymore she scared it out of me) and a "friend" of mine's brother getting his hands on the axe they had for firewood and chasing me around while i was over on a "playdate" (these quotes are bc this girl was in fact horrendous to me)

i was actively suicidal by the time i was 8 and my mum just stopped even trying to take me to school at that point (around the time i started throwing up with fear every morning) and after a lot of VERY angry meetings the best the school would do was an anti bullying assembly, which meant everyone knew i had tattled. my mum was fucking furious about all of this & went ahead with the homeschooling application she had halted when i decided i wanted to go to school. the guidelines at the time (im not sure what they are these days) were just that a child had to be educated "as regularly and as well" as they would be in school, with check-ins from the MoE every few years.

i dont remember how long it took the application to go through but yea after that i was homeschooled. my mum bought up a shitload of textbooks and workbooks and drew up lesson plans but her focus was still on student-directed learning so as my interests developed in various areas that was where the focus went. we did have designated sit-down time every day, but for the most part she would give me resources and assignments/goals and let me go hog wild at whatever my current fascinations were with some guidance and oversight along the way. it did mean losing access to anything that required specific facilities - i dont know shit about chemistry bc we didnt have like. a lab lmao. but yea by the time i was 11 i was on to university textbooks for some subjects (this is not a big flex these were early 00s computer science textbooks the first lesson in cs101 was literally "this is called an on button. this is called a mouse.") and by the time i was 16 we were doing uni-level work in pretty much every subject i was interested in, at the expense of subjects i didnt give a shit about. (i do not know fuck shit about like. geography or maths to this day)

the assessments were pretty chill, govt people would basically just take a few random samples of my work to look over and do a lil interview with me to make sure i was learning shit. for socialisation my parents made sure i did plenty of after school activities (dance, swimming, scouting, drama, conservation club, etc) and my dad took us on trips to like. the museum or nature reserves or whatever every weekend for Enrichment.

once i was 15/16 we started looking into uni entry, but the rules had changed since i started homeschooling. when i started there was a single uni entry exam you had to sit at sixth form and that was that. they replaced it when i was. 12-ish i think with the current system, which involves a complicated nightmare of three years of both internal (classwork) and external (exam) credits and the requirements are nebulous and seem to change year to year and basically it sucks shit and every single assignment from fifth form onwards counts towards your uni entry so its massively high stress. this also means you CANT get uni entry as a homeschooler, because theres no way to get those internal credits. we tried a few different routes to get UE but the best option we were given was one high school offered to let me sit fifth, sixth, and seventh form all at the same time in one year to get my credits. this was Unideal because the whole point was to Not go to high school, it was work i had already done and didnt wanna do again, and it was three years worht of work crammed into one. so i never got uni entry and have basically been bumming around since.

UE problems aside, homeschooling worked really well for my family. my mum is disabled so she was home all the time anyway. both of my parents are highly educated so they had the backgrounds to provide a cohesive and varied curriculum, and my sister and i are both neurodivergent so the one on one attention and flexibility in format was ENORMOUSLY helpful for us. my sister has never been to any kind of mainstream schooling and it would have been absolute hell if she had tried. (shes very severely dyslexic and schools in the early 00s were. not set up to help with that)

so yea thats the homeschooling lore - i missed out on a lot of stuff for sure (met one of my exes entirely beecuase i wanted to go to formal SO FUCKING BAD and my only option was to go to someone else's so a mutual friend set us up so i could go with her lmao) but it took me out of an extremely bad situation and gave me an education that was much better suited to my own learning needs. i know homeschooling has a Certain Reputation, especially in the us, but my experience was wholly unrelated to that side of the homeschooling community, and it was unbelievably beneficial to me. looking back i dont regret the time i spent in mainstream school (i met my best friend there and i literally dont know where i would be without them weve been through the fucking fire and back) but homeschooling was the healthiest thing possible for me and my family and im so so so grateful my parents were able to do that for me