#i just feel so crushed when people new to creating get things so mixed up

[toxxxic-mess]

Introduction

Hey losers, and Hello Alphas.

This is my new blog, after my previous was once again banned. A few boring bits out of the way though since we’re here.

Firstly; Incase you can’t tell, I’m a beta loser. I believe woman are superior to me, and I can’t compete with real men when it comes to girls. So please don’t ask me to dominate you etc, and also please don’t call me Sir, this is a major turn off for me, just a heads up if we’re chatting and it goes quiet. My preferred pronoun is “it” :)

Also I’m happy to chat to others, it’s why keep coming back despite the constant deactivation of my accounts. But due to the amount of conversations and the amount of gooning etc, I’m less likely to reply to messages that just say hi or how are you etc. Don’t take it offensively, it’s just between a choice of spending time gooning with another loser over a hot girl, or making small talk, becoming a better beta loser will also take precedence.

The reason I post online is because I love being a loser. I love gooning to worse and worse things, and getting others to jerk off to worse and worse things. Everything I post online about myself is true, such as stories etc, and if I post about followers etc it will be a mix of true and exaggeration to get them triggered, assuming that the bits that are true are in turn told to me truthfully. For instance, if I make an exposure caption about a loser, everything in the post is true based on what they tell me. I can’t guarantee what they’ve told me, but also if I don’t believe them I won’t post. Just take it with a grain of salt. However, while I am a loser and enjoy doing humiliating things, a lot of things I am physically unable to do. This is because I have a girlfriend. No, I will not share pictures or talk about her any more, but yes, I am still a virgin. We have a good relationship, but she doesn’t enjoy being dominant or seeing me as a sissy etc, so we have an agreement I can explore fantasies online etc, and what I do at home when alone is my business. Essentially an ignorance is bliss agreement, which is fair enough, if not ideal. But it does mean things more permanent like for instance decorating my room in pink with Barbies etc just won’t happen.

I jerk to a lot, though ironically, “normal” porn doesn’t do anything for me, nor do most captions, though will post a few to encourage other losers to be better gooners. I guess being in mid 30’s and jerking off since a teen daily means I’ve seen so much it’s just boring now. As such, I’ve gotten into quite niche areas of porn, as you don’t see much so it feels fresh, though down side isn’t much of it. My biggest turn on is corruption, being turned into the opposite of what makes me me. There’s the obvious stuff like bimbofication and sissisfication, hypnosis etc, but I love the more mental alterations such as false memories, religious play and political play etc. I love gooning to anime waifus, as I try to convince myself real girls are too good for me, I’ve also started gooning to corporations. Power is sexy, corporations have power this corporations are sexy. I believe people should be treated fair, so gooning to companies paying less than minimum wage and denying rights just feels hot. As I said, been getting into niche stuff. I also enjoy making vices worse such as drinking and smoking, or creating new vices if needed too. Hopefully they’ll be more normal stuff on here for everyone, but if you develop new kinks because of it, then I’ve helped make you a worse loser, which is exactly what you should be. When I do jerk to real girls, my favourite is Riley Reid though Livvy Dunne is a close second, and you’ll see I do enjoy the Chav/White Trash aesthetic. I also have a huge crush and inferiority complex to Asian women, and obsess over e-girls like Alice Delish and Belle Delphine

A lot of what I post is not my content. Again, due to constant deactivation from higher up, I lose track of who posted what. However stuff I post that isn’t mine I fee needs to be shared as it’s so good. So if you see something you made, please don’t think I’m taking credit for it. I just wanted to share it. If I post something you made, DM me and I can take it down, attribute credit or re-blog your version etc. whatever works for you.

I do make original captions etc, but honestly, only when I feel like it, and if feel inspired by any sent pictures etc. if you want a caption send pictures and I’ll see what can do, but just be prepared I might not. I’m more likely to post if you say what sort of caption or any info you want requested in it, and almost always do it if we’ve been chatting and we’ve made each other worse perverts.

I also log into peoples social media, people who know me from my other blogs can attest to how triggering it is. If you request this, we will agree on conditions before hand, and I will do no more or no less than what we agree. Again, others can attest this is the case, but if you’re unsure, there’s nothing I can say that will change your mind. I’ve logged into peoples FB, found their hot friends and posted their pics on here turning them into goon fuel for other perverts, posted embarrassing statuses (you can always say you were hacked :) ) or just watched friends talk to you, and DM you messages on here about what I COULD reply to them posing as you. One person even let me reply to them occasionally on the condition he could send the next message after. Again whatever works for you, anything to help losers get triggered more. Getting triggered more means you need a bigger dopamine hit next time for that rush which means more time dedicated to porn. Porn always wins.

Anyway, think that’s the end of the long post done. Will post a couple of girls now just to end the wall of text.

[lurkingshan]

10 Characters and 10 Fandoms

Rules: name 10 of your favourite characters from 10 different fandoms, then tag 10 people to do the same. Tagged by @negrowhat.

Thanks for the tag, Eboni! I decided to 1) keep this to Asian drama characters only because that is the focus of this blog and also the list gets way too long if include western shows too; 2) force myself to choose only one character for each show which you should know truly pained me in some instances.

So, in no particular order:

Lan Wangji - MDZS/The Untamed

If you can see my icon, this one can’t be a surprise. I’m a total sucker for an emotionally repressed but utterly loyal and devoted character, and bonus points if their communication style is so subtle that a tiny facial twitch can send me into conniptions. Lan Wangji was created in a lab for me, basically.

Kakei Shiro - Kinou nani tabeta

New favorite coming in hot! But see what I said above about emotional repression mixed with devotion? Yeah. YEAH. I am obsessed with the way this man draws mental boundaries to self-regulate his emotions and protect himself. And the moments when his depth of feeling breaks through are just *chefs kiss*. I lost my shit every time he let one of these smiles loose.

Teh - I Told Sunset About You

And now for something completely different! Teh has never repressed an emotion in his life and I love that for him. This is one of the messiest characters I have ever loved with my whole entire heart. He loves deeply and obsessively, he is passionate and mercurial in the extreme, and he is just as likely to crush you as he is to make your heart soar. In the category of emotional intensity he is unbeatable.

Yoon Sae Bom - Happiness

I LOVE THIS WOMAN. She is just as likely to patiently listen and give you devastatingly accurate life advice as she is to get frustrated and push you off a building. She’ll keep you guessing but she always has your back. She cares for children, the elderly, and gentle weirdos but she has no patience for assholes engaging in tomfoolery. And if anyone needs a good ass kicking she is always ready and willing.

Xiao Qi - Monarch Industry

Now that we’re talking about ass kicking, I would be remiss not to mention this man. An absolute king of Getting Shit Done. He is walking competence porn. He commands entire armies on his strength of character alone, and at the same time he is thoroughly kind and patient with his loved ones. His moral clarity never wavers. He is loyal to the core and if you’re one of his people he will protect you and give you so many chances to do the right thing. And if you’re in a bind you can bet he’s gonna show up at exactly the right moment to help. I want to be him when I grow up.

Lee Ik Jun - Hospital Playlist

Swoon. A talented surgeon, a loving father, a devoted friend, a patient lover, an all star vocalist, an actual comedian. What a man. #1 on the if I ever entertained the idea of marrying a man list.

Choi Yuna - Semantic Error

Still swooning over here. #1 on the if only I was into women list. She just oozes cool in every direction. She is a loyal friend but she will absolutely mock you when you deserve it. She clearly has her shit together and knows how to fix yours, too.

Choi Taek - Reply 1988

Taekie is all about the contradictions. He’s a loner genius but also a devoted friend and loving son. A total sweetheart with seemingly zero social skills who will suddenly shock you by being a bold closer when it comes to romance. A deeply wounded lost little boy but also A Man when and where it counts. PROTECT HIM AT ALL COSTS.

Tian - Khun Chai

He’s just so good, y’all. One of the kindest characters I have ever encountered in fiction. Truly a cinnamon roll, too good and too pure for this world. Wants nothing more from life than to stay in the country with his boyfriend and adopted children reading and writing and occasionally visiting with his fam.

Goo Se Ra - Into the Ring

Listen this woman is absolutely unhinged. Ran for office for the money. Couldn’t care less about your dumb little power struggles but will absolutely blow shit up if it helps her get ahead. All the fervor of Leslie Knope with none of the competence. I’m obsessed with her.

I am cutting myself off at 10 but I could keep going all day (Shi De, Pat, Frame, Alan, Shin Woo you are still my beloveds!!!) Tagging @troubled-mind @skamskada @lanwuxianfromlotuspier @midnight-sun16 @waitmyturtles @wen-kexing-apologist @gillianthecat @respectthepetty @chicademartinica @dangermousie if you want to play! Just ignore if you don’t. :)

[nana-kom]

Hi 👋🏻

So this is a new kind of fic that im trying to do, it’s still a wg fic but it will be in more part. So this is the chapter one, I hope you’ll like it 💜

This is a weight gain fic, if you don’t like don’t read. This contain, weight gain, weight loss, magic weight gain/loss, bullying, and humiliation.

Jisung’s mix up

Chapter 1

Jisung didn't feel like getting out of bed that morning; he already hated getting out of bed, but on top of that, it was too much for him for the start of the new school year. See, today was the first day of Jisung's last year at university, he'd already been through so much there, and to be honest he was relieved that it was the last year, but he would have preferred never to set foot there again. It wasn't that he hated the classes or wasn't good at what he was doing; on the contrary, Jisung was studying music and was very good at composing music. The truth was that socially, Jisung didn't really have any friends. His only friend was Changbin, whom he'd known since childhood, but he'd stopped studying an choose to work and because of that Jisung was on his own. So going to university became a bit of a nightmare, not only because he had no friends, but also because some people spent their time making fun of him. Ever since he was young, Jisung had always been overweight; he'd made many efforts to loose weight, but he always ended up putting it back on. So he'd simply accepted his body and didn't hate it, just lived his life with it without really caring. Yes, he was fatter than most people, which also created another reason to make fun of him, but other people's looks didn't affect him as much as they used to. Jisung then got out of bed and headed for his kitchen to have breakfast, he was really grateful to have stopped dieting because his little secret was that he loved eating, he loved the feeling of being full, he felt better that way and even if he sometimes put on weight it always made him feel better than anything else that could happen to him. He finished his breakfast before getting ready, and when he was ready, he looked at himself in the mirror, checking that his outfit fitted him well. He smiled as he looked at the mirror, which made his double chin stand out, but he thought he looked cute, and left his apartment with his bag on his back. Jisung headed for the bus stop and waited for the bus, at which point he received a call from Changbin.

« GOOD LUCK FOR TODAY SUNJIIIIE ! » then shouted this one from the other side of the phone and Jisung was surprised and pulled the phone away from his ear not wanting to lose his hearing.

"Thanks, but there's no need to shout..."

"Stop it, I know you must be stressed! But I'll be fine! I'll come by your place tonight if you want!"

"You're really too nice Binnie..."

"That's normal! And I'm bringing food!"

"There you go, gaining even more respect in my heart!"

"What, I didn't have your esteem?"

« Hm…oh...the bus is coming! See you tonight!"

"Yeah right...have a good day! Love you. » Say Changbin before hanging up.

Changbin always found the right thing to do to make him feel better, and it certainly worked. Since the know him, they are always been together and take care of each other, so having Changbin by his side really help him. Then, the bus arrived and he got in, the pressure had already eased a little, so he sat down in his usual place and put his phone in his pocket, and then he looked up looking at the people on the bus and suddenly; he saw him. He was surprised to see him on the bus and his eyes widened. Hyunjin...Jisung bit his lip and looked away, not wanting to meet his gaze, Hyunjin had been Jisung's crush since high school, surprisingly they'd both ended up at the same university and for three years Jisung had seen him every day and he couldn't really keep his crush off him. He'd obviously had dates and small relationships, but Hyunjin was something else. But he also knew he'd never be interested in him, for the simple reason that Hyunjin was in a relationship. And not with just anyone...Minho, Jisung suddenly thought. Minho was one of the people who made fun of Jisung most often, and he couldn't understand how someone as nice as Hyunjin could go out with an asshole like Minho, but there was nothing he could do about it. He got off the bus and started walking towards the university, when he heard a voice calling behind him.

"Jisung! I didn't know you took this bus too!" said Hyunjin, coming up beside him.

« Yeah…I take him…it's rather me who's surprised to see you..."

"I moved recently, Minho was supposed to pick me up but he had a problem with his car, so it's no big deal...how are you? Did you have a good vacation?" he smiled, a smile that had the power to make Jisung feel like he was dying, how could anyone be so beautiful and his heart began to beat faster and faster.

"Yes...I had a good rest...and you?"

"Yes it was great and then..."

"What are you doing with the campus pig, baby?" then asked Minho coming up to Hyunjin looking Jisung up and down.

"Fuck off Minho. Im leaving, have a nice day Hyunjin.... "

Jisung started walking a bit faster, wanting to get away from him as quickly as possible; it was bad enough seeing him with him, but he didn't need his remarks, which only served to make him suffer. Jisung returned to his classroom and did his best not to think about Minho's reflection. But he was so mean to him and it was only the first day, he didn’t understand why he was doing that, but he started feeling anxious for the rest of the day not knowing if Minho would keep him in mind to make him suffer even more.

Luckily the morning passed without a hitch and at lunchtime Jisung decided to go to the cafeteria, where he collected his tray and sat down as usual on his side of the room. And he began to eat, while he was watching what was going on around him, his gaze obviously drawn to Hyunjin, like a butterfly to light. Hyunjin was sitting at a table with his friends, chatting and laughing as Minho cuddled him. Jisung's heart began to beat faster and faster, he would so much like to be in his place, a part of him loved Hyunjin sincerely but a part of him could only envy him too. He was handsome, kind, sociable, slim and talented, he had it all and Jisung was just envious of having a life like his. He then continued to eat on his own, bowing his head, not wanting to feel sorry for himself any longer.

« I thinks you shouldn't eat so much...you'll end up overflowing everywhere..." then said Minho in passing after finishing eating while his boyfriend was still at his table.

"Seriously, what's your problem?"

"Maybe the fact that you've been checking out my boyfriend every day for three years. Hyunjin will never date a pig you know that right?"

"Shut the fuck up Minho!" said Jisung as he stood up to face him.

"What are you going to do put all your fatness on me to try to kill me ? » laughed Minho as Jisung's heart pounded and he clenched his hands to keep from weakening, as the others' gazes fell on him, he felt he needed to leave.

"Don't talk to me again!" said Jisung, wanting to try and leave, but suddenly he felt his tray of food tip over on top of him.

"Perfect! Now you really look like a pig, in your element at last!" laughed Jisung, and the others started laughing too.

Jisung then ran out of the cafeteria and, after collecting his things, decided to go home. It was only the first day and Minho was already giving him hell, he hated him, he didn’t even bother him or talk to him, he was just living his life asking for nothing but Minho was still there to reminded him, that he was fat and that nobody will ever loved him. He had never been friends with Minho but the truth was that Hyunjin and Jisung had been close for a while, since they was some course in common, but then he started dating Minho andJisung had decided to move away, feeling to sad about the situation. It was all too much for him, he was fed up with his own life, especially as the year was just beginning, so when he got home Jisung went straight to his room and lay down in his bed and closed his eyes trying to forget it all.

"Why is this happening to me?" he thought, rubbing his face. "All I want...is just to be happy, if I had Hyunjin's life everything would be so much easier for sure, I'd so much like to be him..." he closed his eyes and let the tears roll down his face. "Please let tomorrow be a better day!" he said as he rolled around in his comforter, and decided that for today he'd done enough. He closed his eyes and decided to sleep anyway, as it was all he had to do to feel good and just forget. He was feeling to bad and even if it was still too early to go to bed he didn’t care, he just wanted to sleep and forgot and pray for tomorrow.

When his phone vibrated Jisung woke up and looked at the time 8:30AM, fuck i sleep all day and night...he said to himself as he sat up, rubbed his face and looked around, frowning. When did my bed get so big? He thought, feeling a little bit weird, but not taking to much attention since he was too tired from sleeping that much. He got out of bed and told himself that he must have rested well last night, because he felt relieved and...light. He then walked past his mirror and a few seconds after passing it, he froze. He then took a few steps back to the mirror and his eyes widened, he let out a cry of surprise and fell to the floor, looking at his body. He was...slim, but really slim, his waist was so slim and his arms were svelte and he was even muscular. He frowned and lowered his eyes to look thinking it must be a nightmare, then straightened up and pinched himself trying to understand before he heard someone knocking on his bedroom door. He then go closer to the mirror and watched his face, his double chin had disappeared and he even had a smooth, beautiful jaw. He admired his face, but the panic was too much for him to breathe. He then hear a noise, behind the door and started looking at it.

"Are you all right, Jisung?" asked Changbin, whose voice he recognized. Changbin? What's he doing here? Jisung asked himself.

"Binnie...I...okay I'll come out of my room but...don't panic okay?"

"Stop scaring me please and open the door ! »

Jisung moved towards the door and after a few seconds opened it to face his friend. Changbin didn't really react, but Jisung frowned again. When did he get so muscular? And since when did he have more muscle than fat? Jisung didn't understand anything, he felt like he was lost or dreaming. He approached Changbin and look at his apartment who was much bigger and prettier that yesterday.

"Binnie I don't understand what's going on, and what are you doing here?"

"I...live here? Are you sure you're okay, Jisung? Minho told me you looked weird yesterday!"

"Minho? You're talking to Minho? And how that ? you live here?"

"How long did you sleep exactly? Anyway, get ready, he's going to pick you up soon and tonight I'll be back late, im seeing Felix, okay?"

"Who's Felix? And why would Minho pick me up? Binnie don’t leave me alone, I'm scared!" said Jisung, moving closer with panicked eyes.

"Felix my boyfriend? Sometimes I think you're not listening when I talk!"

"You...you..."

"Go get dressed, you're going to be late!"

He then pushed Jisung into the bathroom and Jisung found himself once again facing a mirror, completely lost and without any information on the situation. He ran water over his face, praying to wake up, but nothing changed. He then go in the shower and clean his body, it was so weird being so skinny, he doesn’t have to lift his belly to get underneath or have trouble bending down to wash his legs, and he could even reach his finger without any problem. When he had finished, he went to his room and prepared some clothes, for the first time in his life, his clothes were almost too baggy and his pants didn't hug his stomach. The whole thing felt weird and he wasn't even sure he liked the feeling. He grabbed his course materials and decided to leave the apartment to find some answers. But as soon as he was out the door, he ran into Minho, who smiled at him before putting his arms around him and his lips on him. Jisung froze and swallowed as he pushed Minho away.

"What are you doing?" said Jisung.

"I'm saying good morning like everyday babe…I see someone's up on the wrong side of the bed today!" he said, laughing lightly, before opening the door of his car to Jisung; he hesitated for a moment and climbed in - he had to find some answers.

Minho then started the car and the two of them arrived at the university. As they got out of the car, his apparently friends arrived and they started chatting with Minho together. Jisung looked at the situation without understanding. What's going on? He greeted Minho before hurrying off to the bathroom to breathe. This was all too much for him, he didn't know what to do or how to get out of this situation, Changbin was different, his life was different, even his body was different, what could happen? he asked himself, catching his breath. Suddenly he heard the toilet door open and his gaze met Hyunjin's. Jisung was stunned to see that his lifelong crush, whom he'd always admired, was different too. He passed his eyes over Hyunjin and it didn't take him long to realize that he had wished to have Hyunjin's life, so if he had succeeded, then Hyunjin should have his life. And indeed Hyunjin stood before him, blushing and shy in clothes barely his size, not daring to speak to him. Hyunjin's body had changed too; he was no longer the slim, svelte man of yesterday, but an overweight boy with his belly sticking out in front of him and a prominent double chin. And he was still so beautiful, that Jisung heart began to beat faster, he was still the man he likes and now he was feeling guilty for this things happening to him too.

"Hyunjin?" asked Jisung and he looked up.

"Yes...?" he said, lowering his head, Jisung then moved closer and pursed his lips.

"How...? Why did...? Do you...remember yesterday...?"

"If you want to apologize because of what Minho said don't worry...I'll get over it."

"No...well I'm sorry about that but...did you forget too?"

"Look Jisung, I've got class, so do you, if you don't want to be friends with me that's fine but for my sake it's better if I don't get too close to you."

Hyunjin get out of the toilet, leaving Jisung alone and closed the door behind him, Jisung was now also troubled once again by this conversation and decided to get out too and go outside of the university, going to sit on a bench to take a time to think about all that. He'd never imagined that his unrealistic wish would come true, and he also realized that he didn't necessarily want Hyunjin's life, but just a minimum of attention.Of course he loved watching Hyunjin life, as if it was perfect, but yesterday he was just sad and kinda desperate but in the end; he also liked certain aspects of his life, so why find himself in this situation? All this frightened him, and on the other hand he thought maybe he could change things, because if that wasn’t a mistake maybe it was an opportunity. He didn't want to sit around depressed like that until something happened next, that wasn't his style, so he got to his feet and, more determined than ever, decided that maybe he had a chance to make something of his life and thanks to a surge of self-confidence, he decided that he wasn't going to give up now, that he was going to change things and that he would do everything to take advantage of this situation, even if it meant changing things.

[littlerosetrove]

HOLY SHIT!!!!! 🩷💜💙 I have a lot to say.

My initial Spoiler Thoughts for 7x4 in no particular order.

The Bachelor stuff, as expected, was cringe. In a fun way, but still cringe. Chimney definitely has a little crush on Joey (hello bi Chimney? 👀), and clearly Maddie and Josh are huge Bachelor fans. I learned that it was Jennifer LH that loves the show and so pitched this crossover to the writers. Good on her since she helped create Madney and Buddie. <3

Eddie gave Buck a look at Buck's comment of, “Sorry, I have a rule that I don’t date anyone I meet on a call.” 

Bobby could tell something was off with Harry… from the waffles? Also, was that the same actor who plays Harry? It’s been a couple years, so no surprise he’s grown a lot and looks a bit different since we last saw him I think in maybe season 5A.  

That has to be a low-key dig at Buck with Eddie saying “...it’s like that thing when you meet somebody and you just, click.” A reference to the cemetery scene and Buck saying the nonsense about how Natalia, after talking twice, sees him. As Eddie should. 

Ravi is back! He looked fantastic and beautiful. Heh, loved the brief comedy bit of him asking who was gonna go into the sewer. 

Eddie had Marisol babysit Chris twice in one week? ……..I feel mixed about that. I know Eddie is in a better place than he was with Ana, but for him to leave his kid with his, as far as we can tell, casual girlfriend? What confuses me and makes this harder to even analyze for why Eddie is comfortable with this is that, hi. We still know jack shit about Marisol. We just know she and Eddie are casual boyfriend and girlfriend, but not serious. And because we don’t know anything about Marisol nor their relationship, there’s too much to guess why Eddie is, again, cool with having Marisol babysit Chris. I’ve also seen some Latina folks, in the past few days, comment on the stereotype of people like Ana and Marisol playing “the perfect” girlfriend, being motherly and such, and there not really being anything else there. I have no further comment on that, but something to put out there I guess.  

Buck complained to Maddie about Eddie having a new friend. And Maddie saying that Buck probably kept digging at Chris for questions. Buck is definitely feeling very insecure that Chris finds Tommy cool, and has some kind of connection with Tommy already (though we know nowhere close to what Buck and Chris have or will ever have). I feel for Buck, I do. Cause y'all, this guy is going to have abandonment issues probably the rest of his life. Yes he should know his place in Eddie and Chris's life by now, but....idk, it's still hard for Buck to trust his place in peoples lives. Buck go back to therapy, please.

Oh so Eddie has wanted Buck to hang out, like with the basketball games, but Buck has passed on that. Thus Eddie invited Tommy. And Eddie had looked so excited at the prospect of Buck getting to come watch the fight as well. 

Ohhh really interesting scene with Athena and Harry. Harry even brought up the incident of years ago, of a cop pulling over his dad and pointing a gun at Harry. Harry in this scene was asking, basically, which is more important being a cop or my mom. Harry has the impression Athena cares more about being a cop and………. well………. history shows she does “”understand”” the cops side. 

Honestly? I really think Eddie was talking to Tommy on the phone at the station. Given the episode, it probably was. Some may say it could be Marisol, but given how miniscule a role she’s played *gestures* in everything? Nah, it was Tommy. Even from his dialogue I could catch, idk, I still say Tommy. And goddd Buck was trying So Hard to get Eddie’s attention. Buck honey…. you’re embarrassing yourself. 

The scene with Athena and the mom who accidentally shot her son got me. Well done, I cried. Let me also just say I’m so happy to have 911 calls that aren’t longer than necessary, but more so just right. Season 6 had an issue of dragging out the calls. 

Ha! Chimney covering for Buck at the court and calling himself a beard. Chimney knows something is up, especially with Buck. 

Can I just say, I loved seeing Eddie look so happy?? Being more at ease looks fantastic on him. <333

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Eddie act so broey with someone. Tommy really brings out Eddie’s “hey bro man dude what’s going on” side. Interesting interesting… But I am glad that Eddie has someone to connect with about the army, his interest in fighting, and apparently cars???? Stuff like that. 

Tommy called Buck Evan, the entire episode. *squints* I’m not mad about it, but I’m a little ?????? about it. I don’t recall any past girlfriends of Buck who called him Evan. Always Buck. And Buck always introduces himself as Buck to everyone, sooooooo what? The only people to ever call Buck Evan is his parents, Maddie, and Eddie once in the memorable and iconic Will Scene. Like having Tommy call Buck Evan certainly sets him apart from everyone else and definitely past love interests…...

Good on Maddie for rightfully being pissed at Buck for, even though he’s not sure he did it intentionally or not, but for hurting Eddie. I’m a bit pissed at Buck for that too. Like Maddie said, you don’t hurt the people you care about. 🤨

Well I’m glad that Athena stuck by Harry’s side through the whole process, buuuut I still think Athena needs to retire. (we know she won’t, especially with the confirmed 8th season, and who knows how many more. maybe in the last season.) 

Eddie feels bad? Nah see it’s explained in this post by @bihoebuck about how neither Buck nor Eddie are right or wrong. It’s a quick post, read that and it’ll make sense. 

I can't wait to see and hear more from Eddie next episode. Buck may now be focusing on his queer awakening instead of figuring out his feelings about Eddie (spoiler: he's in love with Eddie, we know this), but all of this must get Eddie thinking too. And not just "oh Buck was feeling left out, and I feel like I may have left him out too." Nah there's gotta me more to shake loose in Eddie's head, you know??

BI BUCK IS CANON BABYYYYY!!!! I gotta say the build up to the kiss was really good. And? Like y’all. I really liked how confident Tommy was. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders, saying a lot of right things to clear the air about Chris (that Chris couldn’t stop talking about Buck) and Eddie and such. Tommy even admitting that he’s a bit jealous of the family at the 118, since we know it was Not like that when he worked there. I’m guessing it’s not like that even at the station he currently works at. Now. Once again though we have another case of Buck Misunderstanding the mother-effing Assignment. And I do feel sorry for Tommy because Buck is… basically pivoting in his jealousy about Eddie - feeling like he’s losing Eddie and Chris because Buck will probably forever have abandonment issues - and instead of continuing to really think about why he’s feeling jealous in any regards about Eddie, he’s now thinking, “Oh. I was just wanting to spend time with Tommy. And oh holy shit I’m into guys? Yeah. Yeah I am!!” And so Buck’s queer awakening is kinda clouding his judgment and perspective. Don’t get me wrong! Buck is definitely bi, BLESS, but now he’s going to focus on this part, focus on Tommy, instead of figuring out his feelings about Eddie. I think Buck is still afraid to truly look close at his feelings for Eddie and untangle what it all means. I really wonder just how long Buck will consciously and subconsciously avoid thinking about what Eddie really means to him. I just hope Tommy doesn’t get hurt along the way. =|

PHEW. I got most of my thoughts out, but I’m sure I missed some details. Another really good episode in my books. Not perfect, but pretty dang awesome. 😎

[obstinatecondolement]

Having kind of a post-NaNoWriMo dip in mood re: the fic groove I have been in tbh. (mental illness and insecurity bullshit, mensturation mention cw)

I do still feel Very Strongly about the ideas I have and I do want to write them/continue working on them in the case of the two WIPs I started this week, but without the external structure of the event it's harder to thinking about sustaining that, especially given that I was making so many glaring mistakes that I feel looked very amateurish (I know it's an amateur hobby, but whatever, I expect very ridiculously high standards of myself in almost everything that I would never hold anyone else to and it's always crushing when I inevitably fail to meet them, lol).

The things I was getting wrong were mostly basic spelling errors, using the wrong word in common phrases that turned things into the uncanny valley of that phrase that didn't not make sense but weren't how anyone would say that particular thing naturally, accidentally flipping word order (or not rephrasing the rest of a sentence properly after copying and pasting things around, etc.), and just, like ... random gibberish typos that only became obvious to me after I posted, despite trying really hard to self edit myself carefully.

It's very difficult for me to have the focus to be able to do that sort of detail oriented task when things are in fast-brain mode. And, like, attention to detail is something I am typically very good at, so it's deeply embarrassing to me, especially in a new fandom where I'm creating a first impression.

And like, more generally I also feel like the shine has kind of gone off me and, I know that this is just my literal mental illness distorting my perception of Everything, but it feels like the fandom is already kind of over me because I'm too much. This is all very much a me problem and I don't think it's true or that anyone has treated me badly or done anything that would reasonably create this impression to a person who was not Going Through It (hence the read-more and, like, also: if you are a recent Ghosts follower you have done nothing wrong and have been nothing but nice to me and I don't want you to reassure me*, I'm just insane and I need to get a grip/have serious mental health issues and need to be better at distress tolerance and not being so insecure in how I'm perceived and prone to assuming that people are sick of me.

But, anyway, I think that part of this is just like... also pretty normal? Hypomanic episodes can last up to months, but usually they do fizzle out much sooner than that for most people most of the time, so I think that I just have kind of run out of steam and now I'm going low again having been pretty high for a sustained two-ish weeks and the very obvious external end of the line signal given by NaNo ending has kind of naturally triggered that downturn.

And I am like, speaking pretty approximately here? I think I probably have mixed episodes more than pure hypomanic episodes, for the most part? But, yeah, I don't know. I think the rollercoaster is coming out of a corkscrew and it's just going down now. Which, you know, does suck but it also won't last forever, so that is some comfort. I also still think I might be premenstrual, which does fuck with my head a lot, so, y'know. TL;DR, I'll be fine, but I am having a hard time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

*Like, genuinely, please don't. This is a Me problem and I think it would be bad both for me and for my relationships with others if I were to make the people around me feel that they had to constantly protect my feelings by showering me with attention and reassurance, or whatever. And also, like, I'd feel Very Bad if I thought other people felt guilted into doing that because I made a vent post about my irrational feelings that I know full well on an intellectual level are not reflecting an objective reality, because other people do not deserve to feel personally responsible for the bullshit my brain pulls on me.

[lxmelle]

Do you think that Gojo will return some day? Since we have Geto's family members back in the latest chapters, we have a litttttle chance to get Geto back. So, based on SatoSugu connection, maybe Gojo will be back too...(I know it's kinda stupid and naive, but anyway i still hope).But... to be honest, i have mixed feelings about that. I mean, on the one side i feel like Gojo's story is over. He died on a dramatic note, in such a worthy way for the strongest jujutsu sorcerer. That's why he will be remembered forever. But on the other, i think that Gege made a unique and memorable character, but killed him really fast. I feel like Gojo's story left unsaid, unfinished. We lost him too early. I will miss him (i already do). But anyway, Gege doesn't like him, so 😔.

Hi!! My first ever question! 😃 Thank you for asking 🥰

I’ll do my best to offer an answer. Spoilers ahead!

To be honest, I feel like you’ve come to the echo similar sentiments to many of us in the fandom who love Gojo.

From an objective standpoint, the conclusion to his character arc made a lot of sense. He isn’t the main character, as popular as he is. Similar to your point, his dramatic end was through a good fight and it was fitting as the strongest in the modern era. He already exceeded all his ancestors in defeating Mahoraga and overcame his pride so some degree by discussing with others what they should do if he loses in the battle. He wasn’t perfect, but no character is in JJK. Gege did design him really well and he’s been sooo loved.

His immense strength that usually is associated with the main hero in fiction can be confusing, because why doesn’t the strong triumph over evil? Did he not deserve a better life / death?

Of course he did... 😔

But JJK isn’t that kind of story, I guess.

We get shown time and time again that death comes to the characters at different times. Loss can be unfair - loss of limbs, binding vows, etc. and I guess it’s just meant to mimic real life. The characters are fallible and make decisions or judgements that may not work out or are incorrect. They, like people in real life, have flaws and don’t have the power of foresight. They can be wrong.

It’s uncomfortable reading sometimes, isn’t it? Especially when we get attached to some of them. This is also what I remind myself when I feel overwhelmed by the loss of so many other characters who just had so much potential that never got realised. When powerscalers diss Geto it gets my back up too - because it just doesn’t feel fair that his potential was capped by the timing of when jjk 0 was written before domain expansions were created, and we never got to see how powerful he could’ve been - oftentimes people say it was Kenjaku who used Geto’s body better. Idk if it’s true, but I can imagine it does because of his life experience.

I don’t think you’re naive for having that hope at all. I have similar wishes and hopes - I’d love for Geto and Gojo to relive some kind of a life together - teacher AU or something. I hope with all of my satosugu soul that they’re reunited and it wasn’t some death fantasy in Gojo’s head 😭

As for being revived, I don’t know if Gege will throw some kind of curveball, but if the jujutsu world crushed Geto’s soul so much, and if Gojo was happy to just be with Geto and leave the rest to the next generation, then I’m happy for them to remain dead. Sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to hear 😢 I just don’t know how happy they’d be knowing so many have died to Sukuna and what their purpose would be in the new world.

This is perhaps why there are so many in the jjk fandom who are creating art and fiction, discussing metas and proposing theories. We just love the characters and sometimes there isn’t space for everyone’s story to develop to its full potential. Gege himself doesn’t like spoonfeeding information, apparently, preferring to leave things (frustratingly) vague at times to allow for reader interpretation or prompt research.

Love it or hate it, Gege writes really cleverly in my honest opinion - the amount of foreshadowing even from earlier on is something I marvel at. How he weaves in real-life themes (like the idolising of “popular idols” or “unfairness” and “politics”) alongside mythical / religious themes - is really incredible. As for Gojo, I think his strength was a challenge for Gege to write about as well, hence his sealing in prison realm.

That lends itself to why I personally feel Gege didn’t hate Gojo, but maybe found him difficult to handle to progress with the story due to how overpowered he was. We often dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves, so maybe that’s gege because apparently he’s similar to Gojo 🤣

But yes, I hope that I managed to offer something to your question, @vacuum2314 ! Thanks for submitting a question to me to answer! <3

[sneakyfox55]

what i wouldn't GIVE to meet Kan Gao face to face, just to tell him how much i adore every single one of his games; and obviously--if you know me by now lol--i'd specifically mention Impostor Factory out of them.

i've seen people say it's the weakest, and it makes sense they would say that because To The Moon and Finding Paradise were so ahead of their time when they came out, practically novelties in their own right. and i love them to death too, don't get me wrong!! but i think that as a creator when you put your heart and soul into something, and people have expectations of you, and then your latest art goes out into the world. you tried something a bit different and new this time, and it's more of an experiment than the last two but it's still yours, and you still worked to get it out there, and whether you're proud of it at that point or not yet, you want to share it with everyone else.

and then it gets compared to your other, "better" works.

i think that can be so crushing. and yeah, constructive criticism is great, but sometimes it really hurts? when you work so hard and so long to create something new and different, and basically just get told by critics it's good, but not as good as your past works. and maybe they don't outright say it but you can tell what they're actually saying: do something just a bit better next time. regardless of the story you wanted to tell, the experience you wanted to show this time around.

i think part of why i love it so much in the first place, is BECAUSE of that, because it's like. the underdog of the bunch, if that makes any sense?? because it didn't go QUITE the way people wanted it to, because it diverged expectations. people say IF isn't as good solely because of that, i think--and that makes me incredibly sad lol. like, the amount of sadness it brings me that this game isn't recognized for its brilliance like the other two are, simply because the characters aren't the same and the layout doesn't match the other two as much. it just. really gets to me sometimes. because this game is absolutely gorgeous all on its own; but maybe it's just me??

i think of the lines in Finding Paradise, the quote referencing A Bird Story (because A Bird Story in of itself was kind of bashed in a similar vein to IF):

"...But everyone goes into things with their own context, y'know. Maybe it's only fair that they didn't care much for it. Maybe the bird was something different to you than it was to them."

and i feel like this, THIS ENTIRE LINE perfectly encapsulates how i feel about it jhgdjhdsgdhjsgjh. because that's an amazing point! everyone goes into things with their own context, having been through their own experiences. and it's completely fair for one person to not quite enjoy something as much as another person might.

but as for me, this game has genuinely meant the world to me since i first heard about its production and ever since it came out in 2021, i just kinda fell in love with it since the beginning lmboo. i was SO fecking excited when we heard news about it, and when we got bits and pieces of the soundtrack and sneak peeks and THEN when it finally came out! and i wasn't disappointed in the least when i played it, even if it diverged from my own expectations too!!! (also it might be the intense creep/mystery factor mixed with the bittersweet vibe, i'm kind of a sucker for both. ALSO also!!! Lynri kind of, means something to me on a very personal level PFFFT,,,)

i could talk about this game for hours and i STILL wouldn't get across how much it, personally speaks to me as a narrative and experience?? the entire story is something i just, relate to a lot. i think it builds on the previous games' ideas and concepts SO well too, and i've been wanting to make fanart and fanfiction for it but part of what stalls me is, the lack of it from others PFFFFFFT i'm, i need to step up my game like seriously--

i'm not here to convince anyone that Impostor Factory is a PERFECT game, as much as fangirl me wants to say it is kjdfgdjfgdhjghj. i just wish i could tell Kan Gao itself how this game has affected me, cheesy as it sounds. i wish i could specifically TELL him how much i loved this game, how much it personally means to me, even if (from what i've seen) it might not mean the same to everyone else. because it really does mean the world to me, it really might JUST be me, but it instantly became my favorite in the series when i played it. idk jhgdjhsdgjsh i just. wish i could really let him know. cause even if i don't know him and honestly he'd probably be thinking "who is this stranger and why is she so weird about my game", i think that as a creator, as an artist, to hear that just someone was touched so much by your work, that it meant the entire world even just to one person in the entire world, is exactly the difference you wanted to make when you sent it out there.

ALSO IT'S 42% OFF ON STEAM RIGHT NOW UNTIL THE 27TH OF THIS MONTH, IT'S ONLY JUST SHORT OF 6 DOLLARS, HOW CAN YOU GET A BETTER DEAL THAN THAT???????????? IF YOU'RE INTERESTED AT ALL I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU PLAY IT OR AT LEAST CHECK IT OUT THROUGH OTHER MEANS >:DDDDDD

[cecexwrites]

any thoughts on new crossovers or on the crossover list I did the other day? 👀🥺

Okay!!

So many thoughts This is going to be long

Ace Quinn Quinn Quinn Quinn Quinn - Okay we know how this is going. It's a whole vibe and I love them so fucking much Ismene (the whole Long Live The Queen squad & Ismene pls) - Okay so we've discussed the whole her trusting him eventually thing but also like- Him helping her with her guilt around sex. because of it I feel like cnc and pain would be good for her sooooo Aleks - Yes. Absolutely. I feel like it's a touch begrudging at first, but they grow to be really good friends Cedrick - Yes, I think they'd work either as friends or as hook ups, the boi is bi

Elise Aleks - I feel like these two would get along really well in a friend way. Aleks thinks her brother is an idiot and is amazed he's made it to the age he did Cedrick - They'd be hot together, send tweet

Cian Ismene - I feel like he caught her doing a job for her father once, they stared at each other, understood that neither of them would ever mention it again and as a result they just kind of started hanging out. If one of them came to Ursula's restaurant and saw the other, they'd sit together. No one ever really mentioned starting up a friendship it just happened Quinn - She admires his ability to not care because she feels like she cares too much. Winter - Yes! Okay yes. So Winter definitely ends up working with Cian and Violet because he's team anyone who wants to murder Adam Cedrick - These two create the most chill friendship on the Isle. They don't go out starting problems, Cedrick helps Galston and Quinn with their antics, but these two? Just- chill as fuck Scarlett - They totally vibe as fellow outsiders

Evander Ismene - We kind of talked about it, It takes a while for her to not question his motives but accepts his help when she needs it Quinn - Little. Sister. Energy. Quinn loves to bother her big brother. She's a pain in his ass very proudly. Also when she has problems, she doesn't go to their mother, she goes straight to Evander. Also if anyone spoke ill of Evander, she'd rip out their spleen Cedrick - He definitely had a crush on Evander. That fucking smile Scarlett - Okay okay okay, hear me out- during the full moon she'd hurt herself trying to avoid getting caught out in the woods (plus the general aches and pains that come with the full moon) and he notices and helps her- because she doesn't want to go to the nurse who might start to notice and question why this happens right around the full moon every month

Finley & Fitz Quinn (& her gang) - The gang will happily adopt them into their trouble making ranks. Scarlett - Yes, absolutely, I just see them all working really well together

Hannah Ismene - They can totally bond over having shitty dads Aleks - We talked about this one a bit too. Cousins as fuck. He accepts her far faster than the rest of the family because he's Aleks and that's what Aleks does. He also lies for her when magical shit starts happening because the Westergaards suck. Scarlett - Scarlett will protect Hannah with her life. I can't put my finger on why, but I think these two just would work so fucking well together. They're lab partners, friends, more than friends, idk they are everything

Cosette & Quinn - Bestie they'd never leave the bedroom. Which isn't a complaint, just a fact. Cosette & Aleks - we have talked about this and yes, just yes Ada & Winter - Talked about this a little too and absolutely. Winter would happily sidle up to her for, first her influence then just becuase *her* Honey & Lawson & Cedrick - People definitely think that Lawson and Cedrick should have beef and they totally don't. Then when Honey joins the mix, Cedrick would be a little hesitant but she'd totally grow on him Beatrice & Aleks - More of him protecting good magic users at all cost. Aleks would definitely be a friend to Beatrice and anyone who tried to mess with her (Even Adam) would have to go through him Myra & Aleks - Yessss again, he doesn't understand her brother, but he protects Myra and definitely wants to throttle Frollo Myra & Ismene (no I don’t know how this would work) - I'm thinking like- Frollo does what he does to Cinderella, and that gets him sent to the Isle where he knocks up Ismene's mother. Myra, meanwhile is taken between the Isle and Auradon? Mayhaps? Eliane & Aleks - Besties for lyfe Enola & Gal - I'm so sorry, I look at the Enola tag and there is nothing there- but I'm sure she and Gal would work All the Pan ocs with Winnie, Isadora, Nerissa, and Niamh - Yes. Just yes. One big Neverland crew. Darling is a little... difficult because she actually lives in the regular world and kind of... falls into Auradon but yes Isabelle & Aleks - Okay so Aleks and the Westergaards being like- the kings (and queens) guard and He's the one who guards her? Like? Yes? Isabelle & Winter - Long live the rightful queen Keto & Quinn (and the crew) - Quinn says Keto is hot as fuck thank you Lovetta & Scarlett - Wolf girls Unite! Lucette & Gal - No, okay, yes this- yes. One of Gal's lines in her remix of the Gaston song is to give Lefou shit for never learning to spell Gaston even though it's been years and I feel like these two would just fucking vibe Maisie & Ismene - Esmeralda is absolutely sure that any day now, Frollo is going to come for her. Of this I am sure. And Ismene just 'accidentally' fucks it up every time she or Maisie is on the list because she knows in her heart they are innocent. Natalia & Tristan & Sugar - Yessssss they grew up together. She is closer to them than to anyone. Anyone who hurts them, she hexes them. Trina Tremaine & Quinn (and the crew) Quinn definitely promises to keep an eye on Dizzy when Trina goes to Auradon and nearly takes off Harry's hand when he tries to take all of Dizzy's money. I feel like Quinn (and by extension Galston and Cedrick) just kind of like and respect Trina a lot Noelle & Aleks - Yessss Okay so I feel like the Arandelle relationship with the Westergaards is strained, so the first day of school, Little Aleks walks straight up to Noelle like 'hi! My name is Aleks!' Chessy & Aleks - He totally helps her with trying to find out who her parents are Rini & Quinn (and the crew) - She's the fourth member of the crew, no question Saoirse & Gal’s crew - Quinn has to learn to hold her tongue about Harry when Saoirse is around but she is the one subject the two of them agree on. And Saoirse is perfect and should be protected at all cost Savina & Quinn (and the crew) - Quinn definitely thinks Savina is hot as fuck (Because I do)

Wow- that was a lot. But I stand by all of them dammit

[knightofhylia]

Life Overview

It's been a while since I've used this deck and the spirit is rather shy so I did the Life Overview spread for myself for those who like to see before they try tarot!

Me

What potential exits in me now? To be honest, all the potential. Through a mix of good and bad life events (moving, changing jobs) I have a LOT of free time. I definitely am not sitting in the lap of luxury so that is about the only hindrance to the growth. But that being said there is a lot I can do without financial support, my main issue is just choosing a focus (it'sa AuDHD). I'm my own limit and my own roadblock (as usual). Trying to figure out what I want to focus on leads to a lot of reprioritizing and stuff gets thrown out. Currently, I'm still sorting through, creating and aborting projects as they come along.

Family

What have I learned from my visit to the underworld? Well, I have been in recovery of Borderline Personality Disorder for a few months and I'm only getting better. My therapist is extremely proud of the progress I am making. In her 15 years od doing therapy she has only cleared 3 people of being fully recovered from BPD and I intend to be the 4th! Being in the process of recovery has taught me so much. I know when a lot of people see stuff about people overcoming depression or any number of mental illnesses they think 'that can't be me, I'm unfixable' and for 20+ fucking awful miserable years my husband made me get my act together. Recovery feels BAD people. There is nothing glorious about being in your 20s having to fill out emotion charts and hygiene routines and food menus like a preschooler BUT IT WORKED. Now, I can't even remember the last major mood swing I had? it's been years since I last self harmed? I'm comfortable in my body and my friendships? I get along with my family?

And the part about the ancestors is right in light with ancestor month coming in November. I've been pretty hesitant to do ancestor work because of how little information I have, and my history with my relatives. I have been noticing my abusive dad's spirit's influence around and I am nervous about interacting with him spiritually (to be clear, not as a threat, I've asked my guides many times if he is a threat and no, they are filtering his interactions, but that obviously means that they want us to interact).

Friends

lord knows I have had some pretty tumultuous friendships in the past few years. I've been getting dreams about friends from ELEMENTARY school I used to roleplay sonic with and had messy fall outs with, like cmon that was 2 decades ago!! But they are all pointing to the same thing. I've had to cut so many people out, distance myself, it's taken a lot to be able to finally have a comfortable give and take with my friends :) No one is constantly begging me for money anymore, or getting jealous or competitive, we all build each other up and have vast interests and hobbies! during this quarantine after being trapped with my so-called-bestie and having that messy fallout, then being isolated in a new town, the wound has been slow to heal. But I'm at the point where I just don't give a fuck about any of the shit that happened anymore because it's not relevant now. I am definitely seeing my relationships in difference angles from this view.

Love

I think I'm more of the guide in this one lol as a poly marriaged person who has been dating for like 3 years with fucking zero zilch nada to show for it :'). Mostly people who get scared off when we set a single boundary or too immature in too many ways. Not that I haven't dated or had fun relationships but I haven't felt anything NEAR a connection like I have had with my husband even back when we were roomies. As an poly autistic person my platonic and romantic boundary is pretty blurry. Usually like first week of talking to a new friend I'm like damn do I have a romantic crush? Then I'm like nope just new person friend energy. Well it's been a few months and now I'm laying on the floor listening to mitski, hillary duff,and fob so you know they've been haunting my dreams and psyche🙄cringe right? my goofy ass downloaded pokemon go to catch some hearts, and now my husband is playing it with me so it's kinda of a win win either way LOL (hashtag poly life). and to think 7 years ago I was playing Pokemon Go with my roomie so we didn't have to go back to the apartment and deal with my cheating boyfriend and bedbugs.... now we are married 3 years with 4 cats and a mortgage <3 I could not be able to love like I do now without being shown what unconditional love truly with from my spouse <3

Career

Are theyre bonds I still have strong? Oh yes. This card directly correlates to what all my cards across many decks say when I ask them about career. They all talk about community, networks, friends, building things together. At first I interpreted this as 'rely on commissions to live' but now I see it is 'going to events and talking to irl people and bonding with them makes you a good customer to them and therefore they can be a good customer to you when you put yourself out there'. which is why I've been working on more tarot stuff! Another interesting thing about this, with the second question asking if someone can help, I have been considering summoning an ancestor that owes me a LOT and having them to help clear a way for our business. A lot of this is also, a lot of life events happened so the other people who are part of the business are farther away but now we can actually visit each other so working together more is the key.

Although these cards did not appear next to each other I included the duality interpretation because I believe it is still relevant that they both showed up. I think a lot about my legacy since I am doing my part and ending my bloodline :). for me that means preparing for my future reincarnations. I have some ideas for spells I want to do before my death to ensure that my next incarnations have a best astral foot forward! I'm interested in this 'desire for the taboo'. For the two cards to be in the 'career' and 'friends' spot I assume maybe this has to do with the taboo of starting businesses with your friends (which we are doing). Also 'taboo' forms of career could also mean vending and tarot commissions since they are pretty frankly looked down upon as a legit business.

Interpretation:

Life is good! Lots of themes of coming out of darkness, seeing things from different views, and renewal, but not without points to focus on. Friends and Career seem to be my weakest links right now, which both revolve around me interacting socially which like you know how that goes. Lot of things are confirmed here (my crush, my ancestors reaching out, my career path). Looking forward to doing more readings with him!

->Like this spread and deck? Get a free reading from me! <-

[homenecromancer]

been having an attack of The Genders recently and i have created a visual aid to describe my feelings

it’s all a horrible little tangle of half-baked thoughts but it’s like.

i think i’ve mentioned before -- feeling “too butch for the girls, too fem for the guys” when i’m at work around all the, uh, squares. i have a handful of queer coworkers, but i don’t see them on a regular basis.

the specifics of my living situation -- ongoing pandemic, live with my chronically-ill parents and am paranoid about getting them sick -- mean that “driving to the city to attend queer social events” is not something i can really do. (also, everything, always, is scheduled at times where i’m at work.) like, Pride is my one “meet queer strangers socially” event. per year. so... yes, logging off, touching grass, meeting other queers in person would help, but is not super tenable for me.

(also i feel like my job is slowly burning me out on meeting strangers at all, because when you work at the customer-service factory, most of your really memorable interactions with strangers are bad ones. would love to have a larger IRL friend group. super fucking nervous about seeking people out on my own; i don’t trust my judgment in meeting new people, and i don’t have a lot of trust in people who haven’t been “vetted” by people i already know.)

no matter which way i look, i feel like identifying as something specific would be Stealing Gender Valor in some way. the only thing i’m solid on is that i do not identify as a woman. (well, ok, there are two other things i’m solid on -- “transmasculine” and “transsexual” are comfortable words for me, but for me those are... adjectives in search of a noun to be attached to.)

anything else is like. idk. i have found things by butch writers that resonate with me, but it makes me feel like a traitor and a cheat because i lived cheerfully and vocally for years under the label “trans man”. but i don’t really connect with being “a man” right now, so i don’t really feel at home under that umbrella either.

it is by no means a healthy way to live, but i do walk around with a lot of internalized self-loathing (that i am... very... slowly... attempting to unpick). i just kind of feel like, even if i found a label i really liked and identified with... nobody’s gonna want me in their community. because i’m awkward and severely undersocialized, and there are a lot of things wrong with me. because i am a human being with a not-entirely-good past.

“well... what kind of people are you attracted to? that’s a starting point, maybe” i dunno. i’ve spent so long just sort of living with the belief that no one’s gonna find me attractive, paired with the wish to not overstep someone else’s boundaries by finding them attractive (when i’m not someone they would be attracted to), that i just... don’t know. like i kind of accidentally conditioned myself out of finding anyone particularly appealing. i look at myself in the mirror and i can believe that someone might find me physically attractive -- but, ah, what a shame if they did, because they would inevitably find out something weird about me and lose interest.

very probably this is all shaded by my adolescent experiences with “having someone have a crush on you” -- i was completely oblivious and hurt someone’s feelings without meaning to, and with time this has sort of solidified into low-grade paranoia over accidentally saying something someone might interpret as romantic. (this is why i publish asks i answer, and why i don’t participate in one-on-one discord chats -- i feel okay talking with another person in a public discord channel, because everything is visible to other members, who may show up at any time.)

this does not mix well with the vague irrational feelings i have that any romantic overture i might choose to make would be predatory in some way -- whether it’s because of my heart, or my body. until you get my underwear off, i pass as a “weird,  within normal limits [people are more willing to write off me-looking-weird as a disability thing]” cis guy... but i’m not interested in further bottom surgery. so i feel like i’m somehow cheating no matter which way i look; the specter of “oh you’re just falsely claiming an identity to get into someone’s pants” weighs real fucking heavy on me no matter what. even though i’m not interested in getting into anyone’s pants right now.

basically i just don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings or be a creep without meaning to, so even though i feel lonely and isolated and i really wish i had more IRL queer friends, i just sort of resign myself to living day-by-day by myself. lmao.

[blue-happy-octopus]

Taking heart in the face of AI

There has been a lot of doom-spreading about AI and content creation and I wanted to share something positive I think people have been sleeping on.

Today, more than any time in all of human history, we have unprecedented access to the most amazing collection of expertly crafted, immersive, and dramatic stories (movies). We have access to literally thousands of movies, with hundreds of new ones being added to that collection every year.

But these movies with budgets in the hundreds of millions fight against cat videos for our attention.

By any reasonable metric, an expertly crafted, pixel perfect, entrancing movie should crush a cat video. And the torrent of amazing films that are released every year should be crush anything made with a budget of less than a million dollars into the dust. But we still watch cat videos.

Because people don’t actually consume content for the content itself. We don’t just watch videos because we want to enjoy the process of watching the video. We watch videos because we like to feel things vicariously through others who are passionate about it. We watch videos of people finding their own cats adorable because that feeling is contagious. I love fandom art in part because it’s art of characters I know and love, but mostly because I know the art is being made by people who are just motivated by passion and who I can relate to.

AI is coming, and it’s gonna take jobs, and it’s gonna change things. But I know that the people that love drawing just because it’s fun are gonna keep doing it. And as long as someone is passionate about something, people are going to pay to see and support that passion.

And that’s also how we will tell real from fake. You can tell a real passionate creator from the everything about them. An AI doesn’t have a blog full of WIP sketches that slowly turn into real pieces. An AI doesn’t have a story about how an interaction with their daughter led to creating that piece. An AI doesn’t have a cohesive signature style that means that even when they draw a noire style comic way outside their usual territory, they still fit in with all their other work. An AI won’t reveal 5 years later at a book signing that actually the reason the twins are never individually named is because they kept getting them mixed up so they scrapped the names and liked it better that way.

Real artists and creatives don’t just create work out of nowhere. And it’s because every piece fits into a constantly evolving mosaic of the artists life that we love their art so much. It’s not that one tile, it’s the beautiful pattern of all the tiles. And it will be a long time before we have enough training data to make an AI that mimics that.

[firesnap]

Someone has finally broken me into believing that, to some extent, Tommy and Wilbur are going to be involved in this new dsmp thing. I am a little sad, a little bitter, and a touch contemplative.

Because here's the thing, as much as I love Wilbur's writing, a lot of things I like about canon in the dsmp was a mix of his writing, accidental canon and people editing/fixing things when he went too far. Like, I know there's a feeling I enjoy everything he's ever done on the server and I haven't. There are some decisions he's made I wish he hadn't (cough limbo) and some I'm glad people stood up to him and said "no" to as well (Wilbur aging somehow while dead being one, the canon ages of Tommy and Tubbo another, so on).

And I think to myself, could you create the scenarios and situations that led him (and fandom) to piece together a really cool story and the characters that people grew attached to?

Example -- I think storywise it was great for Technoblade to say no to the full SBI family dynamic. SBI in canon are complicated and messy and full of misunderstandings and projected feelings that just couldn't exist if they were all related.

Techno said himself that his character was an old friend of Phil's. Phil embraced the family dynamic with Wilbur and the former protégé/old friend role in his friendship with Techno. Wilbur hints he grew up in some extent with Techno and, when you combine that with how Wilbur acted around Techno, you get a kid who very much wanted to impress this important person his life and was looking for some sort of family connection outside of dad.

Then he finds that through Tommy and Tommy gets to feel like he has a family through Wilbur-- he knows all the tales of Phil being the bravest man that ever was. He knows Wilbur thinks Philza's brave because being alone doesn't seem to scare Phil like it does them. Techno is a figure of near mythic proportions.

And Techno and Phil grew up with Wilbur, but they didn't see Wilbur change like Tommy did. They didn't see a Wilbur with a streak of mischief and a naïve heart and a desire to make a difference and be something for everyone and how it crushed him. They don't understand like Tommy does how Wilbur destroyed something he loved and not just a country (part of the reason they were, particularly Philza, able to justify Doomsday).

Phil's got a child who feels like he was actually a stranger and another kid who is a stranger but reminds him too much of the one who left home. Techno has a kid who was raised on exaggerated tales of his greatness and the literal ghost of his best friend's child following him around. Tommy feels like they should be a family, that if stories worked out they would be, and can't figure out how to make the pieces fit or where he really belongs.

Brothers that fought and then did shitty things to each other just doesn't compare to complicated mix of found family, some blood family, and trying to figure out how the lines blur and cross and tangle as time goes on. I just... I don't see them getting that perfect blend of complicated and fucked again and i don't know if I want them to even try.

SBI in RP worked because they all added things and challenged each other's ideas until they formed something messy but incredibly fun. I guess I can't really imagine a dsmp without that now.

[not-close-to-straight]

New Kofi fic: 4982/10

Absolutely loved and really related to Billy in this.

I'm trying to cook/bake for both my physical and financial health and it's really hard.

I've had to throw away things entirely and it fucking crushed me each time because I wasted ingredients and messed up something I worked hard on.

It's hard to not get completely discouraged and give up.

But each time I finally get something right I'm so damn proud of myself.

Love the new post. 💜💜

I'M SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT.

Baking is super personal to me, learning how to even make box mixes was sort of a big deal and then getting to the point where I felt like I could bake from scratch and create these delicious beautiful things and SHARE them with people... like yeah, it really did feel like one of the first times in my not great life when I thought "oh i can do this. i can be normal. this is what mentally healthy people do" and I've had that same thought stuck in my head about Billy for months now.

And yeah, baking (or cooking in general, honestly) is so much work. And ingredients. And effort and then OH NO it's ruined which means you've wasted money and you've wasted time and you made a mess of your kitchen and wasted ingredients and now you have to clean up, throw it away and figure out what you're going to eat because this was your dinner/snack. It's so discouraging. It's so easy to just get up and walk away and give up on it.

But all it takes is that one time. That one first time when the cake turns out great or the bread rises perfectly or the muffins are fucking delicious. And instantly it just feels like YES I CAN DO THIS.

Baking/kitchen stuff seems like something random and maybe trivial to base our metric of "okayness" on but it worked for me?? Going from 'fuck I screwed up a box mix, i'm a failure' to 'people are paying me to make birthday cakes' was sometimes the only way I knew I was moving forward in life AT ALL and I think for Billy it would be the same way. It's one of those "cope the way you need to cope" things.

Big steps feel impossible at this point in his life, he has no way to support himself or honestly do anything without Steve's help driving him places and paying his bills, but this very tiny thing, this super small not important to anyone but HIM task of cooking something for himself, he can handle this. And every time he DOES manage to handle, he feels like he's getting better and that's all that matters.

[desolateice]

asked by @youandthemountains on my other account. Figured I’d answer it here since it’s all fic related. For the fanfic writer emoji ask : 🛒⛔🍦🧐🦅🤩 🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc. Food. When I first started writing fan fic I wanted to be able to keep my files separate in an easy way and wanted a clear line between what was my original work and what wasn't. So ever single fanfic I've written has a food related title and that food generally makes an appearance in the fic. There's also sometimes mixed in with the cute fluff and romance is a dash of horror and a big scoopful of angst. A lot of the CK ones are about lonliness and friendship and the bonds we have with people and loss. Lots of loss. Life sucker punched me within the last year which is why I think CK and TKK sunk their claws in and I haven't escaped yet. Also a love for the mundane and rest. Which I'm like 70% sure the friend I'm going to chat with this weekend will yell at me to do. 😅 If we're adding original work to the mix I'd say flowers and cooking and books and magic. A love for plants and just kindness. I just like the idea of how a small act of kindness can have a massive ripple effect. Also as I look back over my writing uh we've got trauma and more loss and trying to figure one's self out. ⛔ Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped?  (Shoves all my original works under a rug including my thesis) uh no? Yes? A long long time ago I thought about writing an HP fic and just gave up after like a page. But it never got posted. I like chatting about fic ideas I have no plan to write on discord. Because it's a chance to just get that plot bunny out of my head. I have notes for a one offs called Konpeito Cocktail and Spicy California Roll that are continuations but just...E rated that I don't think I'll actually publish because it just feels weird to publish a continuation of something that's relatively sweet and wholesome and just jump fic ratings to something that's not....💀 Also I'm not really sure I'm up for jumping to E. Which is one of the reasons Root Beer Floats and Green Tea is M. (The other reason is that I feel like the people who usually go for E rated fics would not want to wait a couple hundred chapters to get to that E rating) So ones people have seen no. Ones hidden away on my drive and in my files...yes. 🍦 What's the sweetest fic you've created so far? ah...um... great question. California Roll? Frozen fish stick that wants and needs to cuddle for warmth. Dozens of ruined sweaters. Konpeito? Daniel's maybe my favorite curious explorer in that one with lots of love. Root Beer Floats and Green Tea? The wingmen Cobras and their relationships with Johnny. Johnny and Laura. The cobras and Daniel in New York. There was more than one bed but they're still going to share. Johnny and his bonsai. Mr. Miyagi secretly teaching Johnny and taking him in and kind of unofficially officially adopting him.  Laura and Lucille being BFF's. The Cobras and Jessica. Johnny suffering through a tea ceremony while Kumiko and Daniel are just very sweet to him but he's so confused. Chozen's massive crush on Johnny. Lavender cookies. Welcome to the family sweaters.  Fairygodmother Dutch. Daniel making sure Johnny doesn't burn in the sun. Pride and Prejudice. Every sweet ever made at the Brown's house. Cobras that share your bed even if it upsets whoever else is supposed to be in your bed and learning to just live with it. Found Family that shows up. Bouquets and the meaning behind flowers. Cooking for the people you love. Spending every last cent on the person you've got a crush on.  Laura adopting the cobras, and Daniel. Laura and her heart to hearts. Polaroids.  I could go on. 🧐 Do you spend much time researching for your stories? So much. Way too much. Because Root Beer Floats and Green tea is set from the first movie onward I've researched Japanese fashion in the 80's, Okinawan fashion trends in the 80's, make up from the 80's, expensive chocolate brands from the 80's, more recipes then anyone should ever research for one story. Movie's from the 80's that were showing at the specific times and dates. Broadway musicals that were shown during that time. What hotels and restaurants and chains existed during that time. Book publishing releases (Made a whoops with Howl's Moving Castle later on, fixed it with the librarian giving him a advanced copy) Music from those specific years. Travel routes, road trip routes. Mapping and maps so I knew how far away the guys were and how long road trips were. Camping and camping rules for specific parks, which places you can camp at. A lot of deep dives into places I haven't been and things in that area and whether they existed back then or not. Food in those places. Festivals, cross-referenced if they existed back then, travel itineraries. Lots of Italian, Mexican, Japanese and Okinawan stuff. For Konpeito I did a lot of planet research and definition and linguistics research. Also what kids books existed back then and mall food research for the 80s and some more fashion. For California Roll I researched some marine stuff and a lot of different lore around the world and then lots of mapping. I really wanted Johnny to swim home but there was no way. There weren't any direct rivers from one end of the continent to the other. Not that I could easily find on the maps I was looking at. 🦅 Do you outline fics or fly by the seat of your pants? Mix. I apparently do something called garden pathing. So I usually have an idea of what scenes I want to do and include and then go back and fill in the path between the big lots through the garden. Often I'll leave myself little [brackets like this and say something like add in plot point and whatever notes I have] in that bracket and then move on to whatever is pulling me to write. Then later me has to go back in and fill those out. Normally it's fine but oh boy Root Beer Floats and green tea I had to take out some of my path stepping stones because otherwise you'd never get the end of this fic. 🤩 Who is your favorite character to write? It depends on the scene and the fic. Generally I want to say Johnny. For Konpeito it's Daniel hands down with a second for Ali. I love them lovingly bullying Johnny about being a black belt and not caring about it. Like yes yes very strong we've got bigger things to worry about. For California Roll I loved writing Daniel and Lucille and Judy was a fun addition. Johnny was fun to write there too but he's a frozen fish stick with a broken heart 90% of the time just out there being a menace to sweaters. For Root Beer Floats and Green Tea it's really hard. I love Johnny and Daniel. I love their relationship with Mr. Miyagi and everyone. But I think the Cobras steal the spotlight whenever I least expect it.  From the the emoji’s ask here.

[xseildnasterces]

perfect.

I am currently battling intrusive thoughts. Thoughts of never wanting to wake up, of wanting it all to just end. 

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday. She upped my usual medication, and also encouraged me to take the much stronger acute medication that she prescribed me last time I saw her. I have been very hesitant to do so due to the possibility of addiction, yet she has assured me that both her and my therapist think I will be fully safe taking the medication and show no signs of being prone to any form of addiction. To that, I certainly agree. After the appointment I decided that I will take that medication once I am back in the US and know that I need to be in the office. She wants me to stay home as long as possible. I’m not sure how long I could push it. I also don’t want to be out of the country when the new boss starts, or when the new team member starts. 

Currently I am in the UK and on sick leave. It was not a planned visit at all, but a necessary one. I simply could not face a 14-15 hour flight back to DC after my work trip to Abu Dhabi. I need caring for right now. I need people around me that love me. I need to feel safe and wanted. I need to recover from this emotional rollercoaster and heal. I need to let people take care of me. 

I’m hurting a lot right now, and I’m not sure when this will end. The thought of going back to work fills me with so much dread. Seeing his name pop up in an email sends me into a panic, his lack of response to any work emails and removing me from meetings increases my already off the charts anxiety. I love my job, and I really miss it dearly, however, I don’t know how to enjoy it when he is there. He says he will be leaving and he is currently looking for another job but so far no such luck. I need him to leave now. Ideally, I want him to have left by the time I go back to DC, but I don’t think there is much chance of that happening. I just hope with everything that I have that he has decided to stay. At this point, I have no idea of his intentions. I have not spoken to him for almost two months at this point. 

I’m glad to be home, but I feel a sense of longing. I miss my job, I miss my old day to day life before he ruined everything. I want everything to go back to normal, but it can’t. Not now. 

My therapist posed the question of whether I was letting him ‘get away with it’ by ‘hiding’ and not being in the office. She said I need to take charge of the work (which is not being done by him right now - he never seems to be in the office, and when he is he never seems to be doing anything) and ensure things are running as smoothly as possible, but I don’t think I can do that right now. Right now I just want to lie in bed and die. Yet regardless, the day will come when I need to fly back across the ocean, hold my head high and walk back into the office. When that day comes I will need to discuss the current breakdown of communication between us and how we need to fix it - at least in a way that enables us to do the work - until he bids us all farewell and we cheer that he has gone. (Of course there will be mixed feelings around this).

I find myself bursting into tears at random times with no way to stop the tears falling down my face. I wake up feeling crushed and hurt all over again. 

This whole thing is creating a Crohn’s flare, something that I had done so well to avoid since starting my injections, but now it seems my body is not coping with the stress, anxiety and depression. It is no surprise of course because I feel like every part of my body right now is not coping. I, am not coping. I just want it all to be over. I want some normalcy in my life. I want to feel pretty, to feel loved and wanted. I don’t want to be used and disrespected. 

But most of all, I just want to be happy. 

[Blog title: Perfect - The Veronicas].

[milo-is-rambling]

I think part of the reason I over exaggerate my place in other peoples lives is because i see everyone around me as a specific aesthetic/vibe and I start to make subconscious assumptions about the way you "should" act based on the clues I have put together from what I've been told about you and where I've filled in the gaps of things you probably do but that causes me to mix up the real things like feelings and attraction because I either end up loving this idea I've created of who you are with all these added fake pros and cons or I end up becoming obsessed with you because im trying so hard to keep things clear as to what is real or not and then you end up being weirded out anyways. It's so hard to form real relationships with people because in the beginning of a friendship I can usually make you a Pinterest board and a playlist and concoct a bunch of things that equal you in my brain so I know what to send you memes of or see things that remind me of you constantly and that's so fun when you're first talking to me and either we grow close enough that me doing that actively keeps us in contact bc we always have something to talk about or our friendship falls apart and I'm left with all these pictures songs and subjects that remind me of you and hurt every time I see them and it's such a shitty feelings because all of my friendships end becuase i care too much and can't give people space to breathe. I just hate hate hate hate hate being uncertain of my place in peoples lives it's absolutely soul crushing to me I'd rather have someone have the balls to tell their real thoughts and feelings about me even if it hurts than have someone ghost me and play pretend and slowly creep away from me like they're afraid of me when I try so fucking hard to make a full safe environment for someone but that loops back to my crazy finding your specific aesthetic thing cause that can be overwhelming and scary but I usually ask first and I definitely offer to show someone their Pinterest board or playlist and every person I've shown has been excited to see their aesthetic and see how accurate it is and it's been positive but then people end up leaving anyways and it just fucks with my brain and I know I have so many issues but like fuck man I have so much fucking admiration for everyone I've ever been friends with even if I'm fucking bitter about how things ended and that they couldn't just be straight up with me (and bitter that my last few friendships ended with me saying "look man are we friends or not I need a straight answer cause I'm not gonna keep putting effort into being your friend if you don't want me to be your friend anymore") I still admire them so much but do I admire them as a person (who was shitty to me in real life) or do I admire them as this idealized person I created in my brain (even the idealized person has flaws tho. Like even in my brain they appear human and normal and flawed and I still love them and want them regardless and it's almost like I prepare myself to be hurt in certain ways and then they always find new ways to hurt me I haven't thought of yet) it's almost like I'm willing to look past the shitty ways you treated me in real life because at least I have this fake version and it's cool to talk to someone the fake version was made for and then it's like I'd rather keep this perfect version in my brain where everything's predictable and people dont randomly change their mind or act nice and then change and act horrible and like feelings dont get hurt in my brain that only ever happens in real life and I dont like it I'm very tired of it I just want everyone to do what I think constantly like I'm playing Barbie's as a child. Everyone should behave the way people should and stop being mean to everyone else always and if you are mean you should do it in a good way that only my brain decided was the good way.

oh I am mentally ill god damn I wrote a lot more than I meant to I'm sorry man I'm high and brain rambly doing self therapy. I think playing the sims so much has made me crave being a sim more than anything ever cause I just fucking want hygiene and hunger and sleep bars so so so bad tell me when I have to shower and eat and sleep I cannot keep track of these things my brain does not have these alarms on it's own I have to remember to do all the things it's the worst. But I also want the plus and minus people bars over my head. Show up and tell me if I'm succeeding or failing this human Interaction and let me find the button I have to press to do the thing to make you like me. Tell joke about vampires? Will that make you like me? How many times can I press it before we become good friends or best friends? Can I click the tell funny story button until you like me? Please please please please please someone find me worthy of being a person I'm so tired of fighting the neurotypical world I just want to sleep and play the sims and smoke and play the sims and eat and smoke and sleep and play the sims and listen to music and have magic levitating +/- people points over every conversation I have ever