#i just wrote about how i havent been able to cry

[serpientesuenos]

but on another note... anyone else been crying a lot???

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[akaakeis]

literally going to kms i wrote a huge ask and it got deleted BUT IRS VERY IMPORTANT SO IM WRITINF IT AGAIN so first of all i want u to know that i am shameless and will double and triple and quadruple text u bcuz i love u

onto the main course!! i read this one fic and a reblog said something like "this is peaceful, peaceful is good" and it reminded me of u. like,, your writing is like that AND IN A GOOD WAY LEMME REPHRASE. so like! most fics have like,, something in them. explosions fireworks love hatred confessions misunderstandings u get what i mean

but urs are like. so not explosions,, so peaceful in comparison. like, reconnecting with old friends. sorry, we haven't talked in a bit. dancing in the rain. coming home. and they are like completely normal things that normal people experience and that i have experienced but for some reason you make them so special and magical ! somehow the peacefulness of it all makes it sm better. NOT SAYING THAT IF U WRITE EXPLOSIONS ILL FEEL ANY DIFFERENT AB UR WRITING IN GENERAL. but i mean your writing is familiar and warm and it's just... nothing special happens,, there's nothing life-changing going on,, and it's still so perfect and extraordinary.

um ill use my most favourite fic of all time here as an example ! The Iwa One. its less than 1k words and its just,,,,, a friend u havent seen in a long while, and u finally talk and u talk ab ur day and thats literally just it. AND SOMEHOW ITS LIKE SO

SO

IDK GOOD?????? like idk man im fr tweaking rn but. like. your writing's about little things,,, nothing huge in the long run, just a talk with an old friend. AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO MAKE IT SO SIGNIFICANT AND SO FULL OF LOVE AND JOY AND WARMTH likr bro!!!!! ive always liked that one quote that goes,, love is in the little things but i think ur writing has given me a new perspective of it and now i love it (ur writing, the quote) even more now!!!!

erm that's all ily mwah mwah

NOOO THE LONG ASK 😞😞 sorry bb that sucks i hate when that happens but IM SO HONORED that you're literally rewriting all of that for ME?? i may cry thanks i love u

alina im literally staring at this ask like :( WHAT IF I GENUINELY CRY OVER THIS OH MY GOD!! like im so happy that it gives off that vibe because that's truly what i try to go for! im not trying to do anything particularly special? i just want to be able to give comfort through my fics <3

i genuinely want to keep this in my inbox forever and ever so that i can reread it but you at least deserve a reply from me for sending the sweetest thing ever :( like lately ive been kinda iffy abt how i feel regarding my writing but this really does make me feel better!! because knowing that someone like you (who i deem as an important voice on my writing) really likes my writing, it just makes me want to continue for you <3 im so glad i can provide u with writing to enjoy and i hope i can continue to in the long run <3 xx

thank u for this alina ily!!

[arunneronthird]

august - fic recs (mature edition)

hi hello and welcome to my first rec list! as i said in previous posts, ill be doing a monthly rec list divided in two posts, a gen/teen and a mature/explicit version (if i have enough fics) and a masterpost where i link all my lists

fandom wise itll probably be all over the place, but i will add the length, important warnings, links and some comments on every fic so u may check them all out!

now without further ado

Fandom: DC

Some Magnetic Way I Move by Shenanigans

words: 11,224 (perfect for an evening)

rating and warnings: M, sexual content (not necessarily pleasant), recommend checking the tags seriously on this one

relationships: Roy Harper/Jason Todd

summary: roy is a kid who wonders near the ocean without any pirpose in life when he meets a creature that seems too good to be true, then life gets in the way, and roy gets in his own way even harder

notes: this fic has been obsessing me since i read it the first time, its dark and fucked up and completely too easy to get absorbed into, roy is a complicated, messed up man with a shitty life and a tendency to completely destroy himself and you cannot look away from him

this story moves along several years of roys life and his growth or lack thereof and its so easy to get lost in the pacing of this fic and just enjoy the ride, as hard as it gets

literally no need to know anything about dc, just read it and thank me later

Heroes of the Squared Circle by Mithen

words: 226,687 (yes, i wrote that right, it takes a good week)

rating and warnings: M, sexual content (theres one whole scene in a thousand pages), nothing past canon typical violence

relationships: Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne

summary: clark is a wrestler, so he follows his heart and joins a promotion where he meets bruce, cue their adventures as they work their way through a retelling of the best dc moments: wrestling edition

notes: OKAY HEAR ME OUT i did not like wrestling before i started this fic, i took a minute to get into it, the moment i got into it i could not stop

this is one of the most fun, most detailed, most passioned fics ive ever read, a love letter to dc and wrestling so vivid and transparent that it genuinely made me excited for it too, all the characters are treated with love and care and the main relationship is so exciting, u can feel the love they hold for each ohter but never overshadows the wonderfully crafted story and the genuinely engaging plot

(cried at the end cause of how much i loved it. i dont cry)

Fandom: Avatar: The Last Airbender

Below the Sun by CSHfic, VSfic

words: 24,853 (can be read in a long afternoon)

rating and warnings: M, no sexual content, i would consider it T but there is a good amount of injuries

relationships: Sokka/Zuko

summary: sokka and zukko get stranded on an island after a shipwreck and have to learn not to be at each others throats while waiting for rescue

notes: heartwarming and weirdly peaceful, though the inherent anxiousness of sokka being stranded and injured with an enemy nearby does get to you, easy to read and easy to love, honestly a good time through and through and a good reflection on friendship

if you havent watched atla (watch it) you can read this anyway, only minimum knowledge is required for this fic

Fandom: Modern Warfare

i like you alive by kaijusalad

words: 11,254 (another afternoon read)

rating and warnings: M, graphic violence and injuries, no sexual content

relationships: John "Soap" MacTavish/Simon "Ghost" Riley

summary: soap gets really injured in a mission and ghost has to get him out of there, somehow keep him awake, try not to die, and not panic and he is partially failing

notes: intense high-stakes fic, graphic and heart-wrenching and yet somehow very warm, incredibly easy to start praying for ghosts success cause hes... hes trying so hard! once you start reading you wont be able to stop until u reach the end, also anyone typing out accents has my unconditional love

no previous knowledge needed to read this fic, just brace yourselves (btw i dont know why but the tags in this fic are so funny to me)

Doing Time by MildLimerence

words: 53,566 (takes 2 or 3 days)

rating and warnings: M, graphic sexual content plus graphic violence, both to a preeeetty fucking explicit level so please check the tags

relationships: John "Soap" MacTavish/Simon "Ghost" Riley

summary: in a world where soulmates are scarce and sometimes even dangerous to other people or themselves, soap ends up getting himself arrested cause his mark makes him go a bit wild and, to his horror, activates when he finally arrives at prison

notes: listen, i hate soulamates (i love you on purpose) but theres something about the way this author writes them that gets me, the connection between soulmates is more of a telepathic, magnetic connection and the lack of it can make soulmates go completely feral, its not the beautiful thing everyone thinks it is

dont want to spoil much but dont be fooled by the summary, this baby has a whole plot prepared and though the dynamic between characters and dark elements are incredibly fun on their own, i ended up getting actually really hooked by the plot, reeeeally fun read

knowing who the characters are makes it an easier read but i dont think youll get lost if you dont

Fandom: Supernatural

like moses and batman and james dean by saltyfeathers

words: 31,587 (takes a couple days, def a couple breaks)

rating and warnings: M, graphic sexual content, not all of it fun, gets pretty dark so check the tags and the authors notes

relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester

summary: dean used to turn tricks to make sure he had enough money to care for his brother, now that he has met cas, his issues with intimacy resurface with a vengeance

notes: not an easy fic to read, heavy topics are touched and you feel genuinely bad for dean but the characterization is so perfect that i tend to think of deans past here as canon, as messed up as it is

even though the topics are dark, the fic doesnt dwell on the worst stuff, there are no scenes written for shock value, its a tasteful take on dark topics, its just heartbreaking and powerful, it will make you root for the main characters, hard

if you dont know these characters you may be pretty lost but you definitely only need a basic idea of the show

[spaciebabie]

🌺 In what situation would your OC be pushed to commit an act of violence? Would they go as far to kill someone if they had to? How would this affect them and their relationships with others?

🌼 Describe one of your OC’s worst nightmares.

🍃 Describe a regular day for your OC. What is their schedule (if they have one).

ive been hyperfixating on katherine lately so all three answers will be about her :3

🌺it would take a lot for katherine to hurt someone. shes non confrontational and a pacifist at heart. later on in two she is eventually forced 2 use violence against others just for self defense, and she promises herself that the only time she will use violence is when shes defending herself for survival. she also takes up a vow not to kill anyone, although this will prove to be. quite difficult. moreso than she thinks it should be. her friends and family would understand, maybe they'd even think it was justified, but it would still be something she could never live with. something that would eat her from the inside out.

🌼for this one i wrote a little scenario that ive been thinking about for the past 2ish years? i put the rest of this under the cut since its kind of long. please be gentle with me when it comes to reading the next portion of my writing! i havent written in quite some time

katherine found herself standing in the very center of an almost pitch black room. as her eyes adjusted, she soon came to realize the room was that of her parents. she warily casted a glance around the room, feeling unnervingly uneasy in a space where she normally felt safe and at home. a quick glance at the clock on the wall told her that her parents should have arrived home hours ago, and yet they were nowhere to be seen. perhaps if she wandered the house she would find her mother and father cooking dinner and talking loudly about how the day was at the cafe, who came in, and what customers managed to infuriate them for the day. she hoped that's what she would find, the silence around her almost felt deafening. with no clanks of pots and pans or chatter coming from behind her, she had the sinking feeling she was very much all alone. as much as her brain willed her to leave the dark room her body did not seem to want to obey. instead, she came to realize that she had moved from her previous position in the center of the room, to being directly in front of her parent's mirror slated on their bedroom wall. she looked down to notice crimson light spilling through a crack under the mirror and felt her heart skip a beat. all of the sudden everything felt so wrong, so extremely dangerous, she was so certain she was not supposed to be here, and yet her body didnt move. she attempted to cry out to her parents, but found herself unable to speak, choking on her own words. it was then that the mirror began to slowly slide open, spilling more of the red light out into the open room. panic ravaged her insides. she willed her hands, her legs, her fingers any part of her to just move, move, move! the door seemed to open too fast and too slow at the same time, almost mocking her panicked state. outside of her own volition,as the door opened, she found herself staring directly into the bright light. it burned her eyes, causing a waterfall of tears to cascade down her cheeks. she blinked them back with ferocity, and eventually was able to catch a glimpse of what lay inside. encompassed in the light, almost blocked out by it entirely, she could make it out, almost, if only there weren't so many tears in her eyes! it was so close and so recognizable, she just needed to stop freaking crying so she could fully make it out! she continued to squint into sea of red light, trying in vain to make sense of the various blobs that were casting shadows within the room. in an instant, a switch flipped in her brain and she knew all too well what she was looking at. horror flashed across her features, and her breath caught in her throat.

katherine startled from her nightmare a very sweaty mess tangled up in her own sheets. blood pounded in her ears and her breath hitched with every intake of fresh air. she gulped in breath after breath, taking it in as if she had just come up from almost drowning. she took a moment to lay in bed and calm her breath and mile a minute heart rate. after she no longer felt like she was hyperventilating, she attempted to get her bearings. she was in her room, it was a school night, and she should probably at least try and get some rest before the next day arrived, nightmares be darned. she turned over to her side and adjusted her sheets, nestling into her bed once more. her thoughts drifted to the nightmare she had apparently had, and her stomach twisted with anxiety. she tried to recall what exactly had happened, but came up empty. her brain had just chosen to forget it she guessed. not that she was complaining, she didnt want to remember what had gotten her so worked up in the first place.

🍃a relatively chill day for katherine quin in part 1? you betcha! katherine usually wakes up, goes ta classes and then does some sort of history club meeting (of which she is the president). afterwards she goes home and does homework, hangs out w/her friends and parents, and then starts the day all over again :D

one thing katherine quin needs is a routine!

[considerablecolors]

ughfhghh HI so i dont know if this is a strange thing to do i'm not exactly a tumblr or ao3 veteran but.

so i just found the like, spies are forever series of fics you wrote on ao3 and holy SHITTTT. dude. WHAT THE HELLL.

it's almost 3am where i am right now, so this may just be the sleep deprived rambles of a madman, but i dont have an ao3 account and i just wanted to express how fucking awesome those fics are??

so even though each fic was basically a one shot except for the owen vs vulnerability and rescued curt series, they all just blended together so fucking well, and they all somehow resolve themselves in one chapter and still leave you wanting more out of the au, and it's just executed so perfectly, i know that it's kinda like. writing basics but still i've never been able to do ANYTHING close to that, so it's really fucking cool.

also i love how, despite what i just said, the contrast between each fic jsut really. like. AUGH i dont know how to turn the chemicals making me feel things in my brain into words. but like theres a ton where it's super angsty and leave you crying, then theres a college meet cute that just makes you kick your feet and giggle, then theres the CHATFIC WHICH I WAS RAVINGGG ABOUT TO MY FRIENDS IT WAS SO FUNNY OH MY GOD IT WAS SO FUNYN and then i got to the staircase scene and i was crying again but. i digress.

also i absolutely agree with you about bipolar curt, and it would be really cool to see more done with that but PLEASE NO PRESSURE I DONT EVEN KNOW IF YOU WRITE FOR SPIES ARE FOREVER ANYMORE SO. PLEASE DONT TAKE THAT THE WRONG WAY

i actually havent finished reading the entire series yet, i'm close to the end but not quite there yet, i just had to stop and express how fucking awesome all of these works are because OH MY GODDD. i've seen a lot of really awesome authors on ao3 but none that really have the amount of contrast and ability to write so many different genres and tropes successfully. i have never had to constantly put down my phone and just stim while reading fic, and i read A LOT. OF. FANFICTION.

anyway you're really cool and i'm probably gonna regret this tomorrow after i awake from my spies are forever induced fit of madness.

ok ramblings over send ask

omg tysm! this was such a treat to wake up to im so so happy to hear ur liking everything! this fr made my day, ty ❤️

[lakemichigans]

howdy hey, i was wondering what your thoughts on the new hunger games movie were? you made a post saying you were gonna see it, so idk if im too early and you havent yet, but was curious your thoughts on it :)

i really really liked it!!! i just got back from seeing it with my friends and we all agreed it was better than both mockingjay movies in our opinions! i hadn't read the book yet (i know i know i'm kicking myself too) so i was really worried they were going to try to portray snow as the type of person who had good intentions but was corrupted by the system, which would have been aggravating to watch considering the sheer number of children snow will murder throughout his life. i wouldn't have been able to enjoy myself if i knew they were trying to make me feel sorry for snow. instead, they make it clear that he always had his own interests in mind, and although he's fully capable of love, loyalty, and morality (and occasionally does act with those characteristics in mind), he chose to follow a darker path. i absolutely love that writing decision!

when my friend and i realized that snow and lucy gray were flirting we turned to each other and said "are they seriously doing this??" but i was soooo impressed with how they handled the romance and especially with where their relationship was when the movie ended. i mean, i really should have had faith because suzanne collins has never let me down in the "nuanced and uniquely fucked up romance" category before 😌 i honestly think part three (after the arena) was my favorite even though the vibe shifts so harshly it almost feels like it becomes a psychological thriller. i'm just so so relieved they were able to show the inherent humanity in snow WITHOUT being like "see? both sides are bad! all people can be monsters given the right circumstances! the genocidal maniac feels bad about his actions, but what could he have done to stop it? :(" you know what i mean? the narrative allows you to feel snow's emotions without ever using them as an excuse. most of the time his feelings are not even a reasoning for his actions – even when he feels bad about something he's done, he makes no attempt to change. in fact he seems to accept that he's gone too far, so it'll be easier to bury his emotions down deep so he can do even worse shit without feeling bad about it. god it was just so INTERESTING

from a technical standpoint it was less impressive tbh, the cinematography was nothing special (not ugly, just okay). lucy gray's actress was good but she really shined in the subtle facial expressions (such as her growing distrust for snow) and when she was performing on stage, but not so much in emotional outbursts. snow's actor was the opposite, he reallyyy shined during high emotion.

i'm not entirely sure how i feel about viola davis' or peter dinklage's characters. we've seen how superficial, ableist, and classist the capitol is, so i find it odd that two of the most powerful people are visibly disabled. it just doesn't track with who the capitol is. but then again, it also seems that in the early days of the capitol, everything is MUCH less flashy and ostentatious; people are still stuck up and classist, but it's a far cry from the absolute spectacle that the capitol and the games would become 60 years later. compare tigris in this movie to who she becomes later and the shifting culture becomes super obvious:

so if they were trying to show that the people in the capitol used to treat disabled people as equals but no longer do, as a sign of their decreasing sense of humanity and community, then i think it was effective. but i'm not sure if that was the intention, i'll have to look into it more

ANYWAY IT WAS REALLY GOOD!!! i wrote all of this as soon as i got home so i haven't had time to sit with it or anything. i'll post more if i think of anything else!

[sapphicblight]

3, 13, 41, 49 and 50 please? Love your writing and would love to know more 💖💖💖

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?

insecurity is a big one i’d say. it’s one of my favorite topics to read about in fics too so naturally it made its way into my writing. we’re not gonna look too deeply into how that relates to my own insecurities and journey into learning to love myself, shhhh. crying is also a theme too, because i want my characters to suffer but i also want them to be able to let it out, give them that release shdjfg

as for smut specific details, crying is once again a thing?? ok sure 😅 and overstimulation too, even in the v first smut i ever wrote (your body’s a tether), though the first time i properly went in on that was for eat bathe (make) love where the entire second and third chapter pete is just overstimulated to hell and back. sorry buddy sdbhf

also — im still learning how to write bdsm and kinda chickened out of realllly exploring it for my past fics, so i just kinda stuck to choking and spanking for most of my vp sex scenes, and in the case of intrinsically i actually kind of regret that (the spanking especially, in hindsight i just don’t think it fits the tone and what the characters would do / need right then) 

13. Are there any tropes you used to like but don’t anymore?

ooooh shit i actually rly need to think about this one. idk does abo count? shdnjfk i used to read it sort of almost accidentally, not really realizing what i was getting into with that till much later, back when i used to read a lot of sterek fanfiction (and some destiel too). very occasionally an author will do a lot of legwork with worldbuilding and sell me on it for that fic specifically, but in general i havent been into abo or mpreg themes (not counting a ftm trans character in that — the thing i dislike reading is mpreg that can’t occur irl) for a few years now.

i also used to be more into aus that had nothing to do w canon, like high school aus and (for stuff like merlin) modern aus, which is funny bc i wrote a college au and am now writing a historical au w luna, but i never said i wasn’t a hypocrite hdnjgh — but yeah nowadays i almost exclusively read canon-compliant, canon-divergent, or post-canon fics. i came here for these characters in this setting usually, so then that’s what i seek more of 🤷‍♀️

41. Link a fic that made you think, “Wow, I want to write like that.”

oooh there are MANY. there are some authors whose writing styles have my brain zooming with envy but mostly just so much appreciation and enjoyment. some of my very favorites tend to be angsty fics, and angst is just my go to vibe and genre to read, so while i have many favorites that are more happy or humorous, i'm going to specifically shout out two of the angstiest pete-centric ones that made my chest ache with emotion as i read them: milk teeth by constitutiondumpstat; and only the heart knows. by evashougouki (i still havent gotten around to their recent 20k words pete fic nothing. that i just know is going to break me so good. i rly need to get on that asap but consider this a pre-emptive shoutout to that for probably changing my brain chemistry once i read it as well)

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it! 

ohoho well for snippets of the prohibition au i recommend checking luna’s twitter or tumblr, she’s posted a few already! 

so instead i’ll post a slightly redacted snippet from the 4th chapter of my mobwife au (‘ultraviolet disguise’, a canon-divergent au where pete never got recruited as bodyguard but ends up caught up in mafia bullshit anyway when he starts dating a mafia don named ‘hwan’ who vegas has been trying to take down for a while now)

50. Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about! 

hmmmm. i think i’ll take this opportunity to grab question 48 (What’s the last fic you read? Do you recommend it?) and plug @lu-sn’s discotheque rouge which just got a second chapter that makes me want to live inside her specific brand of post-canon vegaspete 💕 

[saydams]

ok i've had a very stressful week so if you don't want to hear me venting skip the rest of this post!

so, the other day someone rammed their car into the side of mine while i was driving. which was scary. and wrecked my car. i am very mad about it (though it could have been worse; no one was hurt, it was the other guy's fault and he admitted it and his insurance covered everything (almost), and we didn't have to call the cops, and i was able to limp my car home).

then i had to spend 30 min on the phone with his insurance, then wait for a call back, then another hour on the phone while we got a rental car set up for the next day. ok good i handled it.

then the next day rental place never called me, i called them and waited on hold for over 30 min waiting to speak with someone, was never able to get through. it was the weekend, i assumed that the place had changed its hours or something was closed. ok. i'll try again tuesday. (monday was new years)

tuesday i spent multiple hours on phone over multiple phone calls with multiple rental locations all telling me that they couldnt get me the car reserved for me and that [other place] needed to do it. (first i called the person who was overseeing my claim, as i had been told to tell them if i had questions. they said they would make some calls and if i still hadnt gotten a car by wednesday to call them back)

tuesday ends. no car. im starting to get really scared because i need to drive myself to hospital for a procedure thurs morning, and i need to leave at 6:30am to get there in time. i can't reschedule and the buses dont run then and i dont have anyone i can ask for a ride.

i spend wednesday morning (from 8-11) alternating on the phone, crying, and crying while on the phone, which is mortifying. i do end up getting a car which is good.

now i have a rental for my appt thurs, which is a relief, but it does mean i'm driving A Car That Is Not Mine, which is awful. the sightlines are different and the seat is different and the car smells weird and i dont understand the heat vent controls. and the radio turns on every time i turn on the car which startles me every time. also the motor is so loud and i am worried something is wrong? so that's stressful.

so i left my gps in my car when the tow truck came and the guy was super nice and noticed and asked if i forgot to take it out and i panicked and said no its fine, which was the wrong answer, but i couldnt go back and change my mind becuase when someone asks me an unexpected question i always panic and say the wrong thing, unless i say the right thing and then second guess myself and correct to the wrong thing.

so now i spend the night worrying about not having my gps. hopefully it'll be ok getting tho the hospital because i go there all the time but i dont know how i'll find the mechanic shop...? (this is a problem for later i havent had to deal with it yet so im trying to to worry about it)

anyway. today is thurday, i go to hospital, give myself and extra 20 min to get there becasue i get lost constantly even with gps. i can't drive and navigate at the same time. so i go, but i get on the highway going north instead of south, even though i know how to get there AND i wrote down the directions just in case. it takes me 10 minutes of driving to realize this, and then i have to turn around, and now im only barely on time, and being late is the worst. so i am flustered from driving a weird car and going the wrong way and being late and so i accidentally take the turn to the employee lot instead of the regular lot and i realize right after i make the turn but there is a string of cars behind me and i cant back up and i dont know what to do so i go forward to the gate and i cant get in obviosuly.

so i get out of the car, panicing, and ask for help from the car behind me and they show me how to hit the intercom but no one pics up and their are so many cars waiting and finally the employee behind me scans me it with her card and i drive through to the exit so i can come back in to the regular lot and I CANT GET OUT without an employee badge either. so i have to wait until another employee comes along and willl badge me out and then i have to go back tothe street and loop back around and park and come in, then i went tothe main desk to tell them what happened to make sure someone is there to answer the intercom in case the people who helped me are now stuck and she was weird and mean and told me that i wasnt allowed in the employee parking and it wasnt my business and not to worry about it.

anyway i had my procedure and now im home and dont have to do anything else.

(in conclusion: why it took me nearly 40 years to discover i was autistic i have no idea haha)

[blackvail22]

she was in my dream last night.

i havent dreamt about her in a really long time... i havent really thought about her either

it was quite odd. in real life, shes an asshole. she has the loudest voice in the room, saying something self-deprecating 90% of the time, and the other 10% is full of her talking shit about someone. in my dream, though... something makes me miss her.

she showed up at my doorstep with a bag full of stuff. it was full of all the art i made her, all of the letters i wrote her. i finally have got it back... i was always afraid that she threw them out or ruined them in a fit of rage. even though i dont really like many of my paintings, the ones i gave her, i was the most proud of them. i also made her a collage, and i even created a book-safe for her. i would spend hours at night writing letters for her, pouring out my heart and soul. when i saw all the sutff, i started crying. in the dream, i never once looked at her. the only thing i remember looking at is her long, frizzy, curly brown hair. thats all i really remember of the dream besides walking on the side of a highway and knowing how to drive (but not knowing how to park?).

anyway i love this song

on another side note, im wishhh i healed from my surgery already. im so fucking tired of my throat hurting, it hurting when i yawn (and feel weird afterwards bcos of my stitches), not being able to eat properly, not being able to talk, my ears hurting!!!!!

im so tired of complaining about this!!! i want everything yo be normal and to never need another surgery for this again but ooo ill be surprised in 9 DAYS when he tells me all about the disease i had (AND DIDNT FUCKING JNOW ABOUT)!

im exhausted. im tired. i dont want to spend another minute more than i need to in my moms room. im tired of how my dad is talking to me (makes me sick) and honestly, im losing my goddamn mind.

i dont really want to go to work anymore. my new coworker makes me dread my job now. and theres something about my recovery that makes me feel like i wont be able to go back to work when i told her i could (happens every surgery ive had, even my knee scope) and shes obviously gonna schedule me that week BUT HOW AM I GONNA CALL OFF IF SHE SCHEDULES ME 7-8 HOUR DAYS 4 DAYS IN A ROW? HOW IS SHE GONNA FIND SOMEONE TO COVER THAT????? AND IM DREADING THE PHONE CALL ILL HAVE TO MAKE ESP IF I CANT FUCKING TALK STILL (i can its just very tense and i choke on every word lmao) BECAUSE HOW AM I GONNA BE LIKE (strained) "hey! its *cough* [my name]. i *cough*--exuse me--am una- unable to come in .... for another f-*cough* few days. i cant talk.... and my doc...tor told me to rest...for a few days...." LIKE HELL THE FUCK NO

i feel like i constantly have acid in my throat. the smell of certain foods makes me sick, the smell of my moms cigarette smoke gives me a headache and nausea that doesnt go away (its 1am, my mom went to sleep at 9 and smoked before then. i still feel like i just inhaled the smoke) i have sharp pains in my side constantly, as well as the right side of my chest. I DONT FEEL GOOD AT ALL. all of my problems could be because i havent really been eating but its because i really cant? i drink water... yeah, i drink water when i remember to. (my body is probably in shock because i usually eat a lot and now im not/barely eating now LOL idek if that can happen but yeah.)

imma stop ranting now. i just wish this next week could fly by and i had a wfh job

[azenkii]

A Long List of Trash Fire Lord Zuko Headcanons

...that i couldn't get out of my head:

(warning: SUPER LONG POST i havent figured out how to trim posts yet)

he's the one who unchains azula despite iroh's protests. she doesn't even try to fight him, just cries into his shoulder and keeps mumbling about how father's going to be so disappointed in her. he takes her to her rooms and has her drink a sleeping draught, then stations the best guards he has left outside her chambers.

his first council meeting takes place literally a day after sozin's comet. he hobbles into the council chamber shirtless with his entire torso covered in bandages and every council member just looks at him like '...what'

he does NOT sleep for like,,a week after sozin's comet and then another two weeks after his coronation. katara, aang and suki try to persuade him to sleep and he doesn't listen. eventually sokka, toph and mai team up to literally drag his ass to bed and tell him he's not allowed to get up until he sleeps (does mai pin him to the bed with her knives? yes. is it kinky or sexual in any way? definitely not.)

he drinks So. Much. Tea. at this point it's practically tasteless to him but he drinks it anyway because he just needs something to do and tea is something familiar. he keeps iroh on his toes because he's constantly asking for new tea blends, uncle, i think i actually tasted the last one,

he flat-out refuses to grow his hair for at least a year after ozai's defeat. the second it starts getting close to his chin he shears it off himself, with his knife, and his stylist has a heart attack every single time

when he's tired he'll occasionally jump up when one of his guards moves. it stops after a bit, but for the first month and a half or so he's really twitchy. when sokka asks, the only explanation he can come up with is that he's not used to having people stand behind him silently and not want to kill him, much less want to protect him (sokka immediately takes him out for a shopping trip and makes a point of walking behind him the entire time, but only on zuko's right side, where he can clearly see it if sokka moves towards him)

when the healer declares azula mentally unstable and in need of an institution, he shuts himself in his office for the rest of the night. no one's allowed in, not even iroh. he finally emerges in the morning, eyes red from crying and sleep deprivation, and tells the librarian that he'd like a list of the best mental institutions in the country, please, the best in the world if you can get them

he loves theatre (is this even a headcanon?). unfortunately it practically died out in the fire nation along with the rest of the creative arts, leaving nothing but small troupes like the ember island players. one of zuko's personal goals (meaning things he wants to accomplish that aren't as important as restoring his country) is to bring back theatre; he finally manages to do it after about eight months or so of being fire lord, along with other arts like dancing, music and sculpture

he establishes a national day of mourning, on the first day of autumn every year, to commemorate the genocide of the air nomads. from 100AG onwards, every calendar printed in the fire nation has it marked. at first it was called the day of repentance, but aang persuaded him to have it changed (by arguing that he didn't want guilt to be a literal staple of fire nation culture)

he introduces literally So Many educational reforms, plus a mandatory class that teaches students about the cultures of the other nations (air nomads included) and how some of their traditions overlap

he turns down the offer of having a statue put up of him in the capital. toph ignores him and does it anyway.

he visits azula regularly, makes sure she's (relatively) comfortable and well-fed, and sometimes just sits down outside her door and tells her about everything that's going on right now ('some of the far colonies have developed their own standardised writing, azula, you wouldn't believe it, and i've asked the fire sages to come visit more often—but you never liked them, did you? oh, well; i'll make sure none of them go into your chambers by mistake')

(he doesn't know it, but when he does this azula sits by the door and listens. she wonders what kind of writing the colonists have developed, and whether or not the fire sages have taken on some new recruits.)

he hates being above anyone else. never sits in the throne if he can help it, nor does he sit on the dais in the council room. when he talks to people shorter than him, he finds himself stooping a little bit to talk to them on their level (the exception to this rule is sokka, who he mocks for being shorter all the way up until sokka grows taller than him, the bastard)

the first time he visits the earth kingdom, the earth king's ministers call a toast. he ends up being the only one who has to sit out, because he's too young to drink by earth kingdom law

once his servants figure out he won't kill them for talking to him, they start becoming a lot more bold, telling him off when he doesn't take care of himself. at one point, they force him to let them take care of him so much that he literally just bolts into the gardens and hides there until the staff rope in mai and ty lee

when he needs to escape, he does one of two things: (a) he dresses up as the blue spirit and does some parkour until he calms down, or (b) he goes to work at the jasmine dragon. (b) happens less often bc the jasmine dragon's in ba sing se, but there's been a few memorable incidents when an earth kingdom diplomat walks in and yells, 'LEE?!' when they see the fire lord

the first court artist who draws him also happens to be the one who drew azulon and ozai. he draws zuko without his scar. zuko takes one look at it and tells him, very calmly, that he'd like him to leave, please.

zuko burns the portrait. he doesn't fire the court artist, but he never calls on him again unless he has to. a second court artist is called, and can't help but be a bit confused when the fire lord tells him to be sure to include the scar

he forgets the crown. a lot. sometimes he walks into council meetings in his sleepwear with his hair tied up in a messy ponytail and a bunch of scrolls tucked under his arm. none of his councilmen have the guts (or the heart) to tell him that this is not, in fact, formal council wear

he goes to feed the turtleducks when he's stressed. he thinks he's being subtle. he's not. the entire palace knows, and they consciously give him space when they see him in the turtleduck garden

most of his staff are older than him, so they look at him and see this teeny tiny fire lord who is So Small and who Must Be Protected. the day after zuko's coronation, the head chef holds a meeting where they commence Operation Do-Not-Let-That-Boy-Turn-Out-Like-His-Father (subsection He's-The-Only-Good-Thing-We-Have)

one night he wakes up to find suki sitting in his room, decked out in full kyoshi warrior garb and makeup, and just about screams blue murder. suki tells him there are suspicions of an assassin in the palace, and would you please stop yelling it's very distracting, we won't be able to hear anyone coming over that racket

zuko gets very, very paranoid of random spirits after that. yeah, suki looks like a possibly malevolent spirit when she's wearing her makeup, what about it? (when he tells sokka he's highkey terrified of spirit shenanigans, sokka just looks at him and says, 'man, the stories i could tell...', and THAT'S when zuko remembers sokka spent like six months more than he did travelling with the avatar)

on his first visit to the southern water tribe, he removes his boots and leg guards, rolls up his pants and kneels barefoot in the snow. even though chief hakoda immediately starts trying to pull him up, he's stubborn as hell and stays kneeling for the entirety of his very long, very sincere apology-on-behalf-of-the-fire-nation speech. he nearly loses his toes to frostbite after that, and both sokka and katara never stop giving him shit for it

the first time he grows a 'beard' is completely accidental. he's stressed over some trade miscommunications with chief hakoda, hasn't slept in a few days...and then when sokka arrives as water tribe ambassador to help smooth things over, he takes one look at zuko and says 'man, facial hair does not suit you'

zuko: facial what now

he checks a mirror to find that he's got stubble covering his chin, dark enough that it almost looks intentional, and holy gods how the fuck did he not notice this before

'UNCLE WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME' 'i assumed you were doing it on purpose' 'WHEN HAVE I EVER DONE ANYTHING ON PURPOSE'

he shaves it all off immediately, of course, which prompts a lot of teasing and rib-poking from sokka until zuko finally snaps that he's scared it'll make him look like his father. sokka stops after that.

(the day after sokka leaves, zuko finds that a mysterious someone has scribbled all over ozai's royal portrait, giving him a frankly ridiculous beard and moustache that literally CANNOT be grown in real life. oddly enough, he can't bring himself to care about the defamation of royal property. he's too busy laughing.)

his paths cross with toph and sokka more than any of the others, because sokka is ambassador and toph is technically still a beifong. most of the time, at formal functions, he ends up sequestered in the corner with toph and a hoard of snacks, and they talk and swear much more than they usually do (zuko's ministers once heard him when he was drunk with toph, and the servants swear the older ministers' ears started bleeding)

he restores fire nation cultural festivals, and in doing so subjects himself to learning a lot of complicated dances

during one memorable week, he wrote so many letters and drafted so much legislation that he ran out of paper. he had to go visit the nearest school and ask for some

he keeps up with his firebending and sword training even though it's hard to fit into his schedule. his ministers refrain from reminding him that he has guards to protect him now; it's still hard for zuko to trust his safety with anyone but himself (team avatar is the exception).

he started sleepwalking about two months into his reign. no one knew why. one time, he nearly sleepwalked right off the edge of a balcony, and one of his guards had to grab him by the back of his robes.

the sleepwalking stopped after around a month and never happened again. at this point it's practically palace legend.

after freeing the war prisoners, he went around collecting every single earthbender-proof wooden cell he could find in the capital and surrounding areas. when he'd gotten most of them, he gathered them into a huge pile in the city square and set fire to them with his own hands.

unfortunately he couldn't do that with the waterbender metal cells but he did get toph to come in and bend them all into pretty shapes (well, toph thought they were pretty shapes. everyone else thinks they're meaningless squiggles)

he learned how to write with both hands at the same time out of sheer necessity (he refused scribes until it became clear that he'd be putting some people out of a job; that was when he started letting scribes write very, very minor things, but all important documents/drafts/letters are still written by him)

he once put the wet end of an ink brush in his mouth instead of the wooden end by mistake. didn't even realise until he bit down to keep it in place and ink went oozing everywhere

when his guards rushed in to find him coughing and spluttering black liquid all over his desk they thought he'd been poisoned but no he's just stupid

on his 17th birthday, his first one after being crowned, he got tackled by team avatar in the middle of the ballroom and ended up at the bottom of a cuddlepile for like ten minutes

this cuddlepile happened at an event that was very much public and very much formal. it was a scandal for weeks

just. fire lord zuko, guys. so much potential

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Written In The Photograph

Gif credit @jamespendricks

Requested on wattpad

Part 2 to Photograph

Taglist @ackles-nhl. @cbouvier23.

Warning: mention of blood. Death is the theme.

Being woken up by a banging on your front door, almost gave you a heart attack. Lee wasnt able to come home so you just went back to your house. He said he'll come over there after he's finished. But as you got up you saw it was morning.

"Hang on. I'm coming". You groan, wrapping yourself up in one of Lee's hoodies.

"Y/N"? You heard John say through the door. Something must be wrong for him to be here.

Quickly opening the door. "What is it? What's wrong John"? You felt you heart beat faster. A lump in your throat formed.

"It's Lee. He's missing".

"What..what do you mean he's missing? How do you lose someone on a horse when you're supposed to be there with them John? John"? You felt that lump break as your lip started to tremble.

"Everything happened so fast, Y/N. But we have choppers and my guys out there looking. We'll find him".

"I'm coming with you". You ran off to your room and threw on some pants and your boots. Grabbed your gun and headed out to your truck. You followed John to the Dutton ranch. Cops, horses, men and atvs littered the property.

"Go to Jamie. He'll keep you informed". John didn't wait for you to get out of the truck, he told you at your window and walked off.

Taking a shakey breath you stepped out. You could feel something in the air had changed. You didnt know what but something wasn't right.

Jogging over to Jamie, he was on the phone. "Jamie, what can I do"?

"Nothing. Everyone has it covered. Why don't you go into the house and talk to Beth". Jamie redirecting you to the house. This family and keeping its secrets.

You went inside as you were told. Beth sat at the kitchen window watching outside.

"How are you holding up"? She asked. Beth knew how much you loved Lee and he would talk to her about you all the time.

"I'm okay. I just dont understand how he could be lost. Lee knows this land better than the back of his own hand. He knows how to track and find his way home". You leaned up against the counter beside her.

"I know. But a lot of stuff happened last night. Cattle was involved".

"So were guns. What if he's out there with a gunshot wound bleeding to death and I'm sitting on my ass waiting". You started to hyperventilate. Beth pulled you into a hug, rubbing your back.

"He's going to be okay. My brother is a smart man. He can get through anything". Beth whispered in your ear. While there was commotion outside. You both heard a horse being rode up to the house. You both ran outside and saw it was Kayce, blood covered his white shirt.

"Kayce! Where's Lee? Kayce". You yelled, running up towards him. His face was red and tears rolled down his face.

"I'm sorry". Kayce sobbed as Jamie helped him down. Jamie took him into the house.

You looked out through the crowd of stuff and saw John with a horse. A body laid over the satel.

"Lee! No! Lee!". You went to run after John but Beth held you as you fell to the ground. You tried getting out of her grip but your body was numb. If felt like your heart was ripped out and someone stuck a hot poker on the wound. "No, god". Sobbing into Beth's shoulder, you couldnt move. You didn't even feel it when Rip picked you up and carried you into the house. Life as you know it was taken away from you.

John arranged the funeral quickly. Kayce wasnt talking to anyone. Jamie couldn't shut up and Beth felt like your only friend. The day of the funeral, you stayed in Lee's room the whole time. Not wanting to talk to anyone. You were tired of the I'm sorry for your loss. The he was such a good man. You know what he was. No one had to tell you otherwise.

"Here's some tea". Beth whispered, startling you as you looked at the pictures of Lee and you.

"No, thank you". You declined and sat on the edge of Lee's bed. His room was left the way you last saw it. Dirt on the rug from his boots. His dirty clothes still in the clothes basket. His bed messed up.

"You have to eat something, to keep your strength". Beth sat the cup down on the nightstand.

"He's really gone, isn't he"? Taking your used tissue and wiped the corner of your eyes. "Like I'm waiting for him to come through the door and start flinging his clothes off and jumping into bed. Even though he smells horrible". You softly laugh but began to sob. "I miss that fucking smell". You sniffled.

"I know. I think everyones waiting for him to come home". Beth sighs and sits beside you.

"I can't do this Beth. I can't". You start to feel panick and your throat feels tight. You've never been a day without seeing or talking to Lee since you both got together. He was your morning call and your good night call.

"Yes, you can. Just breathe. He wouldn't want you to feel this way". She wraps her arms around you as you sobbed. She tried to be tough but she broke down with you.

"I miss him so much". You mumble against her.

"I know, baby. Shh, I know. Everythings going to be alright". Beth held you for the longest time. Not letting go.

A few weeks had passed and you haven't stepped foot on the ranch. It was hard. So many memories and the unforgettable moment that your life changed. But you had to go back. John invited you over to get somethings of Lee's to take with you. It was going to be a rough day.

"Hey sweetheart". John met you at the door and grabbed you into a hug.

"Hi, John".

"Come in. We're all in the living room. Beth got somethings for you that she knew Lee would want you to have".

Following John into the livingroom, things havent changed, except Lee's door was closed. It was always opened, Lee didn't have anything to hide.

"Glad you came". Beth greeted you with a hug.

"Me too". You took a seat on the couch.

"I got all the photos of you and Lee. I know you probably have them but I figured you would like them. He wrote on the backs of them". Beth handed you a box of photographs. You picked on up and read the back.

"The first time she let me touch her boobs on the mountain". Lee wrote about your hiking trip three years ago. You let out a giggle.

Picking up another. "The first time I realized I wanted to marry this girl". It was a picture with you sitting on the riverbank with a fishing pole and a small little fish, a big smile on your face when you first started dating.

"I can't believe he wrote about me on every one that we took". You felt hot tears stream down your cheeks.

"There good memories to have. They would've been good to tell the kids". John stopped himself and cleared his throat.

"Yeah, they will be". You looked down at the box. Everyones eyes on you.

"What are you saying, honey"? Beth couldn't help but smile.

"I'm pregnant. Six weeks. I guess we already had a start on our dozen kids". You laughed with a sob.

"Oh, honey". Beth hugged you as you sat there. Jamie chuckled. John stood there speechless.

"Do..do you know what it is"? John asked swallowing his tears.

"Not yet. I have a feeling it's a girl. Lee wanted a girl first. Lee always got what he wanted when it came to me". You chuckle.

"We can see that". Jamie joked making everyone cry laugh.

"We're here for you. Dont have to worry about anything". John wiped his face.

"Thanks. I'm going to need it. I'll be raising a Dutton child. And who else better on how to raise them than the Duttons theirselves".

"We're family. There's no one else". John smiled at you. You thought about Lee and how his legacy and life will live on through his child and his photographs.

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

me: (sees one post of you answering an ask) me, rolling up my sleeves: time to send Knox love and appreciation again hi yes you have literally lit up my life in such a good way, like theres no way id have written as much as i have this year if it wasn't for your constant enthusiasm keeping me going- simply knowing you and interacting with you got me like a whole list of new friends to talk to and interact with, which has been overall amazing since i havent been able to see my real life best friend in over a year. but you and your content and enthusiasm and creativity and just. sheer joy has managed to fill some of the hole that i'd been feeling. you're literally such an amazingly good person, im constantly impressed with every single piece of content you post, and how you seem to just be able to make people lives better just by existing your content is always such a joy to see, like its the highest tier of content. you're always so nice and positive about things, you come around and you just drop everything just to spread love and its incredible, i have no idea how you manage to do it. everytime you send me a message or mention me in a post or something im just filled with the highest level of serotonin, your friendship means so much to me, especially since when i was first joining this fandom becoming friends with you felt literally impossible. you're a light to this earth/fandom and just. i hope you maintain that energy and light wherever you go, and that only the Goodest Of Things happen to you, because you fully and truly deserve them.

WELL FIRST OF ALL how dare you come into my inbox and be this kind and incredible and wonderful and gh;GH;LASIJEOFWMEF ;A;

LUPIN, MY DUDE

MY DUDE

Knowing that something I wrote inspired someone as creative, incredible and enormously talented as you actually makes me wanna cry.

You just exploded into this fandom with a somehow constant stream of ideas and fics and I am amazed by EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Each of them are so original and incredible and SO MUCH FUN TO THINK ABOUT, whether it be angsty or SO FREAKING FUNNY AND JUST HGAKSFMOHGWE

Seeing you post stuff and recognizing you for the first time was like seeing someone from across a really popular cafe interacting with some people I know and I literally saw you and was like oh gosh, dunno how I missed this person because they are so freaking cool and are literally one of my favourite creators and it's been three seconds--

FROM LIKE, DAY ONE, I saw you and DESPERATELY wanted to interact with you and be your friend but HECK MAN, how much you created was so intimidating and so freaking cool and I just accepted yeah, we can just interact from a distance, i can be cool with that

AND THEN YOU FREAKING DM'D ME AND I FLIPPED A MOTHERFREAKING TABLE (not literally, but I did stim for an unreasonably long amount of time)

Having you here, having you around is just... sometimes I get really discouraged when I create. Sometimes I don't know if I want to post things because I suddenly get extremely self conscious, but then you're there like a fiery ball of hype and I get excited to share stuff. Even on days when I feel like I have no energy left, I see OH LUPIN DROPPED NEW AU HECK TIREDNESS I HAVE TO SEE THIS--

Every time I go to write a new longer fic I get so excited because gosh the last one got LUPIN into the fandom. DUDE, IT MAKES ME FEEL FAMOUS AND LIKE I CAN DO ANYTHING, TO KNOW I INSPIRED SOMEONE AS INCREDIBLE AS YOURSELF

I am rambling now and that is A-OK. HGAOWEHF

I love you a lot dude, and I'm glad you exist and it means so much to me that you share that you care, and I'm so happy that I was able to give you a little bit of good amongst all the crazy. You deserve hype, you deserve friends and care and love and *hugs* gosh darn it if I ain't gonna be one of the people smart enough to give it to you

I am simply very glad you exist, and for real <3 thanks for coming into my inbox and attacking me with affection. It really does encourage me to keep doing what I'm doing when I know it affects others in a good way, so thank you so much, dude <3

LOVE AND CARE FOR U, KEEP BEING INCREDIBLE, YOUR EXISTENCE BRINGS ME JOY *picks you up and spins you around * I HOPE YOU GET TO VIBE WITH IRL FRIENDS SOON, YOU DESERVE ALL THE HUGS IN THE WORLD <3

[doyelikehaggis]

it’s time for the dreaded s6 finale emotions

*strong regret in projecting onto ryan as much as i do because this episode h u r t s*

tyler being the one to invite ryan along?? g a e

“can’t send a man to his doom without getting drunk first” he’s trying so hard to fit in. poor bastard. and not calling the others out for excluding him? you can just tell he’s trying so hard not to ruin it for everyone, and nobody even gives a shit. and then of course he eventually snaps, he’s just spent over an hour having to watch everyone have a great time and forget about him, and then alex suddenly expects him to have bought mike a gift, and they fucking tell him to stop being so selfish and god those fucking assholes

god the conversation where may-li tells charlie about her grandad. it’s so beautifully acted, emily burnett sells the denial perfectly, it just,, ow

this episode is hard to watch when you have really strong empathy and project onto both ryan and charlie. h e l p

wow charlie really just delivered a baby in a car in the middle of the woods huh. i keep forgetting how absolutely badass that is

you know what absolutely kills me is the vague suicide subtext to ryan running away. take that goddamn phone conversation out of context and that’s what it is and that’s the worst part of all of this. and chloe saying that he’s left a note and that “i think he’s really gone for good”. o u c h

the fact that NOBODY EVEN NOTICES RYAN’S GONE EXCEPT MIKE AND CHLOE. even tyler doesn’t fucking notice. and then everyone cares more that mike’s gone to find him than that ryan even left in the first place. but we’re not meant to think about that because tracy’s here and everything’s absolutely fine right. this episode is murdering me can you tell

lily complaining about men on that facebook post. bit fruity of her, i must say *‘a day in the past’ flashbacks*

i havent watched my mum tracy beaker yet but i really need answers on how it fits timeline-wise into the tsotb/tbr/tdg canon

the fact that chloe isn’t even wrong when she says everyone would hate ryan even more if they found out mike isn’t there ‘because of him’ (read: because he quite literally had a breakdown and ran away and mike, being the only decent person in this goddamn show, went after him)

ah yes tracy, care worker of the year, really just said ‘your problems don’t fucking matter, forget that anything’s wrong because mike is getting married’. i love tracy but wow that is not the thing you say in this circumstance and the only reason it worked was because he felt bad about the cake and whatnot

this episode has such an all over the place tone. they really just went from mike freaking out to fiona figuring out he’s gone to a damn slo-mo shot of tracy and mike on a bike while ryan sprints behind them.

oh my god i forgot bailey was in this episode!! i hate him (affectionate)

this goddamn episode is so full of emotions i almost threw up oops. anyway it absolutely kills me that ryan looks like he’s about to cry pretty much the entire time. that poor kid. and then chloe really just pulls a tee and apparently loses all empathy towards him huh. love chloe but wow

i don’t think we get a chance to read what ryan wrote in that note? but i kinda wish we did. could’ve given some extra insight into everything

i have no idea if any of this is coherent, or how much of it is an actual analysis and how much is me projecting but oh well, this episode(s) is a fucking emotional trainwreck, what can you do

Oh god. I'm not prepared.

*valid regret to have, that sad queer kid with anger issues and insecurities experience hurts real bad*

Yes!! Once again proving that Tyler is the only one in the DG who actually cared about Ryan and wanted to be around him. He was pissed at Alex for not inviting Ryan like he was initally supposed to, and then took it upon himself to make Ryan feel included anyway.

That scene really pisses me off, because Alex really is going after him. You can tell, he won't let Ryan make a single joke without trying to be snarky about it, and then he purposefully tries to humiliate Ryan because he knows that Ryan couldn't possibly have known to bring a gift.

Oh yeah, I can barely ever rewatch the first part of the wedding for all of these reasons, but especially for Charlie finding out about her grandad. Emily really is way too good of an actor, that's why it's so painful.

I relate way too much to the strong empathy and projection, that shit hurts so bad.

Yeah!! Charlie did that!! Honestly, credit to her because I would not have been as calm as she was on a normal day if I had to deliver a baby in a car in the middle of nowhere, never mind after everything she had been through that day.

Okay, so you found a way to make Ryan's whole storyline of those episodes hurt way more than it already did. Thanks for that. But you are right, it does have that vague subtext to it. If this wasn't a children's show, I would've actually been worried that's where they were going to go with his storyline.

It does suck that nobody really noticed or cared that Ryan wasn't there. I wish even Tyler had shown a bit more concern, but I suppose they've only got enough time in an episode for so much.

That was definitely one of Lily's fruitiest moments, and that's saying a lot because of the aforementioned "a day in the past" flashbacks. Honestly, all of her scenes with Carmen and some with Tee are always fruity, there's nothing else to it.

Okay, so, I can kind of answer that one. My Mum Tracy Beaker definitely carries on from The Story of Tracy Beaker since it involves clips of it when Tracy sees Justine. However, it's only really connected to tbr/tdg canon through vague hints. Like, Tracy has a published book called "Who Cares?" and there's a mention of her being an ex careworker, and she wears a "T" necklace but it's slightly different from the one that she wears in the wedding episode. So, we know there are subtle references to TBR through these background details that are really just glossed over. There is a weird little moment when Tracy's daughter tells Justine that Tracy wrote a book, but Justine should already know that considering it was a big part of their reunion in Tracy Beaker Returns. At best, we can at least assume that everything that happened in TBR is canon for My Mum Tracy Beaker. I feel like, if we want to be able to make the timeline for the wedding add up with My Mum Tracy Beaker, we'd have to assume that Tracy hadn't already had Jess during the wedding. Since the wedding takes place around 2018, and Jess is 10, My Mum Tracy Beaker would have to be set in 2028 at the very least, and that would have to mean that Tracy had Jess the same year as the wedding. Either that, or she did already have Jess but just... never mentioned her because she was staying with Cam.

It really does kill me that Chloe was right about that, because you'd think at least some of them would have some sort of sympathy for Ryan. I wish Tyler did. Honestly, he had a genuine breakdown and ran away, and no one cared except Mike. Great family they are.

Yeah, that was not Tracy's best moment, but... that's just Tracy. She doesn't think, she acts on what she believes to be the best solution in that very moment. She was never exactly an aware winning care worker in all fairness skjdashd but Ryan definitely needed to hear something other than that.

I could barely be sad or stress during that episode specifically because of how chaotic it was, and ESPECIALLY because of that slow-mo that had no right being so damn hilarious.

SHFKDASJDLK "I hate him (affectionate)" well at least I'm glad the (affectionate) is there lmao. But I was screaming when I realized Baily (and Liam) were there, I was so happy!!

Oh yeah, Ryan looked so upset, he was absolutely blaming himself so badly. There was no need for Chloe to come in there "wish you'd run away for real" like fuck off. I love her. But fuck off.

I don't recall actually seeing the contents of the note now that you mention it.

Yeah, don't worry, I'm not sure most of my reply to it is coherent either. But those are episodes are some of the most fun to analyse because Drama and Angst.

[deerixiie]

APPRECIATION POST!!

june 29th, or a little more that 6 months ago i posted my first fic. that was honestly the best decision of my life because tho tumblr is a hellsite it’s a hellsite that got me through a hellish year. i just want to come out and express my extreme gratitude for all of the people who have gotten me through 2020.

my followers. i remember when i first hit 100 and i was so excited bc 100 ppl in the world actually appreciated my writing enough to follow me...and then more of you guys started coming and sent sweet asks and suddenly i felt so loved 🥺 i didn’t expect to gain the following i did on this hellsite but i did and i love you guys so much :( thank u so much for being here through it all and making this year so much better!!

character anons/other anons; i know i don’t have much and not all of u are active but you!!! you guys are the bestest people on earth!!! shoyo, haji, yams, and all my noya anons,,, i love u guys sm. seeing you in my inbox made me so happy and i loved interacting w you 🥺💗 i hope you guys have an amazing new year and i hope you can talk more soon!! same goes for my other anons, 💜, 🍁, iara, and all the other anons that have send me asks, i love you guys so much!! getting anons and asks was something that made me feel so appreciated and important and seeing your asks always made my day!! ily guys <3

@sa-suga, @neonghxst, @sanso, @starrysamu, @stelleum, @myelocin, and a whole bunch of others writers; you are the most amazing people on the planet. writing on a site like this that gives little to no appreciation is so amazing of you :( your fics have made me smile, laugh, cry, and even grow as a person and i’m so grateful for that! bc of u i was able to distract myself from all the crappy things that happened this year. ily guys so much!

and now, my mutuals!!

@hajiimes; cola i will always always start with you. my closest friend, writing genius, someone i can bounce ideas off of, ask for help, watch movies with, voice call for hours with, and simp over characters with. getting close with you was one of the best things of this year and i really appreciate you for it. its really refreshing to have such a close friend i can really turn to and talk to about stuff that’s bothering me and i know i do it a lot and i’m a terrible friend sometimes but you’re always there for me :( and yeah we tease each other a lot and you’re honestly so annoying sometimes but yeah it’s fun and i love you so <3 STOP MAKING BREAKUP PLAYLISTS OKAY IM SORRY

@sugakuns + @suikazura + @kageyuji + @miyasangel + @giorvanna + @sophiawithstars + @hajiimes; i literally could not have gotten through 2020 without dinonet. it’s the first discord server and probably only discord server that i’ve really felt at home in because you all are so accepting and sweet. your support and love and kindness have gotten me past this year. i’ve been able to laugh and scream and vent and word vomit and be myself because of you all and i’m so appreciative of that. i cant wait for an entire new year with you all, ilysm!

@mehreya; you changed your url and i freaked tf out but ANYWAYS HEYYY~ rae i literally. i literally love you so much like. where would i be without you? you’re so welcoming and comforting and i love you so much :( if there’s anyone i’d share a deformed braincell with, it’s with you!! i feel like i can relate to you?? so much?? i literally keysmash in your inbox sending like 12 messages and i don’t have to worry about you getting upset because you do the same thing right back. we share really similar interests and you’re so compassionate and sweet and ugh i’m gna cry ily

@suikazura; bae i. how do i even say this. you’re literally the kindest, sexiest, funniest, loveliest person i’ve ever met. when i had a really bad day and broke down you were there to hype me up and tell me such wonderful things that i still think about all the time. you wrote a poem comparing me to the sun. ME?? THE SUN?? sui i don’t even know where to go with this ive never had someone do that for me and you doing that just makes me tear up and i’m tearing up writing this- and i love your humor so much despite the fact that it haunts me to this day and your art is so pretty and i could look at it for hours. like man i can’t believe someone like you exists i don’t deserve you at ALL. ilysm bubs

@cavalree; AZZIE WE HAVENT EVEN TALKED THAT MUCH BUT OUR CONVERSATION YESTERDAY WAS >>> THIS IS ME SAYING WE SHOULD TALK MORE WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON

@fairyoomi + @luvromis + @rilacry; we’ve been moots for So Long but i have no idea what to talk about w u so i get intimidated and don’t talk :( ily guys so much though, you’re really sweet and kind and your humor is literally top tier. this is so weird to say but reading ur self-ship posts makes me so happy bc i feel like i can be open about my self-ship too,, it rlly comforts me and makes me feel loved hehe. i miss talking to u guys even though it was barely anything and i rlly hope 2021 is the year we get closer!!

@sophiashortcake + @star-puff + @kurooskult; we’ve recently become mutuals but i love your vibes!! i really hope i get to interact with you more next year so we can become closer <3

@bunx; BIG SIS!! literally i feel so bad for not talking to u because you’re literally the blueprint :( i just don’t know what to talk about and then get all freaked out XBSKSJD i’ve stared at your disc so many times debating what to say cbsjs but anyway thank you so much for being here from the beginning! i know for a fact ill wouldnt be where i am today w/out u 🥺 ilysm bubs

other moots that made this year so much more beautiful i want to get closer too!: @haikoo, @4fterh0urs, @run-004, @sugasugawarau, @s4ijoh, @gg9183, @baeshijima 🥺💗💗, @kozu-mei , @kaguol ily all so so much, you all are such amazing ppl and i hope we get to talk more!!

[farfromtommy]

better than this (dad!chris evans)

summary: a little insight into life as a parent with chris throughout the years 

warnings: talk of preterm labor but nothing graphic or major

word count: 2,250

A/N: okay so like this idea came to me at 2 am and wrote it till about 5 in the morning and im crying at the softness. totally unedited and posted bc im so obsessed with it. i havent written in this kind of format before but i loved loved loved it. i was also thinking while writing this to do this but for steve rogers and i swear i lost my mind. if you guys are interested in something like that id love to write this but for steve <3 

masterlist 

add yourself to my taglist here! 

After meeting through some mutual friends you fell in love with each other. Chris swore he would have married you after your first date. A ring came about a year and a half later, Chris not wanting to call you anything but his wife for any longer. One dream wedding and a month-long honeymoon around the world, you were Mrs. Y/N Evans.

The conversation about kids came fairly early in the relationship. Him coming from a big family, he wanted the same for himself. He wanted a big house in the Massachusetts suburbs, the white picket fence, a couple of dogs, and the kids. He wanted to come home from work being attacked by a couple of kids and seeing you walking towards him barefoot and pregnant.

You were an only child to divorced parents, growing up mostly on your own. You never saw yourself as a mom, but always loved the idea of running after a couple of kids. Never wanting to bring a child into the kind of world you grew up in. The sad and lonely kind of world you endured most of your life. After meeting his family after a couple of months of dating and seeing the way he interacted with his nieces and nephews, you couldn’t help but hope to see yourself raising some kids with him.

He loved the idea of raising a family with you.

Grayson Christopher Evans

You brought your first child into the world not too long after your wedding.

You were in labor for about 16 hours before you were met with the screams of a baby boy.

Your baby boy.

He cried and cried until his skin met yours, calming him down almost instantly. Looking over at Chris who was at an absolute loss for words at the little person calming himself with the sound of your heartbeat. He looked at you for a while before looking back at his baby boy.

Chris couldn’t quite process the feelings he felt that night his son was born. He knew how much he loved you. You knew how much you loved him. But having this little person as a tangible expression of your love and commitment for each other was just beyond him. It was beyond anyone.

Grayson was just like his dad. Almost an exact copy of him if you were being honest. The same big blue eyes. The same soft brown hair. The same everything. Lisa often said how much Grayson was just like Chris was when he was a kid. There was little of you visible in him. Maybe he had the curve of your nose and the shape of your lips. But he was all Chris.

His little personality bubbling since day one. You couldn't have asked for a more perfect baby. He giggled as much as he could and played until he fell asleep with a toy in his hand. You were so lucky to have been gifted this little boy as your first baby. Chris had been struggling to balance work and his responsibility to you and Grayson but never failed to make sure you knew how loved you both were, even from thousands of miles apart.

Eleanor Olivia Evans

After another long labor, you welcomed a little girl into your new family of 4. A tiny little girl who, just like your boy once did, calmed themselves down at the sound of your heart and the warmth from your body. Chris once again sat there just absolutely beside himself at the sight of the love of his life with his little girl on your chest.

Introducing Eleanor, or Ellie, to Grayson was probably one of the greatest moments of your life. Chris walked in with Grayson in his arms telling him that we needed to use our indoor voices when talking to mommy and the baby. Grayson quickly climbed to sit right next to you, not bearing even 1 day away from you. You hugged your little boy and talked to him about meeting his sister. Grayson ran his little hands running along Eleanor’s cheeks as you sat there crying at the moment they were having with each other.

Now with a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old life couldn’t have been sweeter. You had hardly been working while pregnant with Ellie, still having to keep up with a rambunctious toddler. Before kids, you were doing some writing for all sorts of movies and TV shows. After kids, you took fewer jobs that require travel and stayed mostly local.

Chris not wanting to leave you at home with a toddler and a newborn had made sure his work kept him close or allowed you and the kids to go with him. You both wanted to make sure you were there when Grayson and Ellie needed you.

If Grayson was a mama’s boy, Ellie was 1000% a daddy’s girl. She refused to let Chris out of her sight if she could help it. She refused to sleep most nights without hearing the sound of her dad’s voice and would cry and cry if he didn’t sing her to sleep. When Chris was pulled away for a week for work you were losing your mind trying to get her to sleep.

After a mild breakdown, you gave in and called Chris knowing even hearing his voice over the phone would calm the baby down. He sat there on the phone and just talked to her. She fell asleep almost immediately and slept through most of the night. You thanked Chris and ended up asking him for voice recordings of him talking and singing so you could play them in case he was pulled away again.

Charlotte Rose Evans

Charlotte, or Charlie as she's been nicknamed by her siblings, came into the world with a crew waiting so patiently for her arrival. By far the most painful and complicated birth you have had, she had quite dramatically made her entrance into the Evans family.

You had been monitored closely the last couple of months of your pregnancy as Miss Charlie tried to make an appearance early. You had some complications about halfway through and your midwife had been worried about possible preterm labor. You had started to have what you knew were contractions at 30 weeks and were immediately rushed into the hospital to try and halt the contractions and luckily succeeding.

You were placed on strict bed rest for the remainder of your pregnancy, not even allowed to stand at the stove making dinner, only getting up to use the bathroom and move from the bed to the couch.

It didn’t make your life with an overactive 4 and 2-year-old easy at all. Chris stayed home 24/7 to take care of you and his mom and sisters rotating taking the time to stay with you to help with the kids.

When Charlie did make her debut both of you were as healthy as you could be. Once again, bringing Chris to tears as another baby made their way into your family. He didn’t know he was capable of loving this much. He thought he had reached capacity after Ellie but the love he had for you and his kids just kept growing as you kept adding on.

If Grayson was all Chris, Charlie was all you. Except for her blue eye, which you figured would be a pattern with your kids. She was a copy of you and Chris ate it up. Eleanor is a perfect combination of the two of you. You could see the traits of you as well as the traits of Chris throughout her. But Charlie was completely you.

Grayson fit right into his role as big brother and protector of the Evans girls. He made sure every night he said goodnight to his sisters and told them he loved them with a kiss on their foreheads.

Ellie was excited that she no longer had to share her dolls with Grayson and would finally have a girl to play with. Charlie looked up to her big sister, seeing her as the most amazing person she has ever met.

Grayson, however, felt like he needed another sibling, specifically a boy sibling, and constantly asked you for a brother. He said to you over and over again that his friends at school had brothers and he needed one so very bad. You and Chris had agreed to stop at 3 but had given into the idea of having 1 more to try and even out the numbers. With Grayson in 2nd grade, Ellie in kindergarten, and Charlie starting Pre-K soon, having another wouldn’t be impossible.

Declan Robert Evans

The 2nd boy and the 4th and final child Chris and Y/N had brought into their world. Another perfect mix of Chris and Y/N.

His birth being the last time you would be in the hospital having a baby made it just that more emotional. You soaked in the first moments of his life just a little bit more. Chris cried just a couple more tears, seeing that angel on your chest for the first time. You admired the father of your children just a little more seeing him introduce the addition to the family to your other kids. Adoring the look on Grayson’s face when you set Declan on his lap, finally meeting the little brother he’d been wanting. Asking you if he could take him to class to show off to all his friends.

Walking around your house Declan’s first day home was more emotional than you had thought it would be. You brought every single one of your babies right through your front door. You had pictures littered around the house of moments in your life you were lucky to have immortalized forever. Knowing you had started your family here made you love everything just that much more.

Declan now 5 years old, Charlotte 8 years old, Eleanor 10 years old and Grayson at 12 years old you couldn’t imagine life any differently. You and Chris celebrated 13 years of marriage and almost 15 years together surrounded by the physical representations of the love you two shared for each other was unexplainable.

You had slowly started to get back into the work you loved doing so much after Declan started school. You were able to work on projects offered to you with Chris and had become an unstoppable duo professionally and personally.

Even having the amazing opportunities to do something you loved to do, nothing would ever beat sitting around a table listening to your kids talk about everything and anything that came to mind. Listening to them talk about what happened at school or about upcoming events they want to participate in was the highlight of your day.

Grayson had been playing with a football the moment he could pick one up. Chris nearly cried when Grayson had approached you guys about doing little league football at the rec center. Chris had been watching Patriot's games with Grayson since the day he was born. Taking him to games with Scott whenever they had the chance. The love for football ran in his blood and when he found out he could play on a team he took the chance as soon as it presented himself.

Eleanor had found a love for music and performing, just like her dad. She had picked up music and singing at a very young age, which probably came from her dad's love of performing. You encouraged her to pursue her love for music by telling her stories of when her daddy was young and used to stand on stage before he started doing big movies. She loved looking at pictures and watching old videos of Chris performing in high school whenever she'd visit Grandma Lisa.

Charlotte had picked up your love of reading and writing as soon as she could. Her favorite day of the week is when her class gets to spend time at the library finding new things to read and learn about. So far a running theme with her is books about nature and animals. She loves sitting down with you in the afternoon and telling you about what she learned in the science portion of her day. She had learned about how plants and animals interact and how important they are for all humans. She told you that when she's big she wants to make sure no one ever hurts plants and animals since they are so important for us.

Declan hadn't quite developed a love for something like his siblings had. All he cares about right now is the kind of snacks his mom packs for him and superheroes. You and Chris had introduced him to the world of superheroes recently, knowing that being in school someone was bound to mention to him about seeing his dad on a movie they watched. He was obsessed with the fact that his dad was a superhero once upon a time. He loved watching Chris' movies and would always ask to watch them whenever Chris wasn't home.

You looked at Chris from across the table as Grayson talked to him about football tryouts and asking him if they could practice after dinner. He felt your eyes on him and looked at you with a smirk and a wink thrown at you before giving Grayson his attention again.

You sat back a little to look around at this family surrounding you, knowing there was nothing better than this.