the man who owns and runs the thai restaurant in my town knows me by name. he is one of the kindest and most thoughtful men i know. i started ordering from his place back in january, which was when i got my fibromyalgia diagnosis. back then i was using a walker, had limited mobility in my entire body but especially my hands, and was very visibly in pain. i always ordered the same thing: yellow curry with no meat, potatoes and carrots only (i have texture and other dietary issues). he always made it a point to make sure i could get out the door and carry the food safely. he had his workers package the food so that it was easier for me to open. as i kept coming back and i told him a little bit about my health status, he would always encourage me to keep going. he told me about how the spices he used were good for inflammation and began to edit the recipe just for me so that spices that were even better for fighting inflammation were used. he’d give me extra portions and despite the fact that i would tip every time, i realized later that he never charged my card for them. as time went on and my condition began to get better, especially with the help of a physical therapist, he would make encouraging remarks and tell me how happy he was for me. the day i came in without my walker, he practically jumped for joy, and despite my insistence, he gave me my meal for free that day. i continue to make progress with my conditions and i continue to go to the thai place. this man who does not know me personally and who i hardly know anything about is one of my favorite people. it’s interactions with humans like these that make loving life easier. and his curry really does help my chronic condition. it’s comfort food taken to the next level.
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hindsight
[ID: A two-panel comic with crudely drawn stick figures.
Panel 1: The lime green person is talking to the leaf green person and the moss green person.
Lime: "I... have a confession to make."
Leaf: "Go ahead."
Lime: "I want to rewatch the Wizard Child movies."
Leaf: "Didn't the wizard author get incredibly chromophobic?"
Lime: "Yeah I just... It's nostalgia you know? They meant a lot to me when I was a kid."
Panel 2: The three are on the couch.
Lime: "All right, let's go."
Leaf: "It's so weird how the wizard author just turned chromophobic though. Like I remember this series being pretty good for its time. It'll be weird seeing their work contrasting with their views now."
Moss: "I'm just glad we got the movies for free through normal and legal means. Heh."
End ID.]
[ID 2: Scenes from three Wizard Child movies.
Wizard Child and the Simplistic Morality: A slightly round child with a propeller hat is talking to a child with no hat.
Round child: "I am so fucking fat and greedy I am textually shown to be fat because I am greedy and also evil."
Hatless child: "You are to infer my moral purity from juxtaposition with this fat child. Woe is me for our shared parent has deprived me of a propeller hat."
Wizard Child and the Goodness of Wealth: An adult wizard is talking to the child, who now has a wizard hat.
Wizard Adult: "Wizard child you are secretly extremely rich."
Wizard Child: "I will form biases regarding the bankers all being triangular for some reason!"
Wizard Adult: "Your wealth is deserved because your true parent was Good and therefore you are also Good."
Wizard Child: "Now we should acquire consumer goods. Buy consumer goods!"
Wizard Child and the Dark Family History: A blue-grey horse person is talking to the wizard child.
Blue-grey: "No, wizard child. You don't understand. I am one of the good ones, because unlike the bad ones I don't try to spread my curse that makes you a blue-grey horselike creature to others!"
Wizard child: "Wow uncle blue-grey you are one of the good ones! I forgive you for being a horse because I am so good I would even forgive horses. I sure hope you don't conspicuously get killed off later in this movie!"
End ID 2.]
[ID 3: Oh hell no there are even more of these.
Wizard Youth and the Tokenistic Relationship Dynamics: A square headed wizard youth is talking to the former wizard child, now a wizard youth.
Square Wizard Youth: "Wizard child, as the only person with a square head in this entire series it is my duty to inform you that you are the savior of all people with square heads, too. Let us build a one-sided relationship that only furthers your character development, after which I will immediately lose all plot relevance."
Wizard Youth: "I will do this because I am a maturing wizard youth and need disposable relationships that don't threaten the endgame!"
Wizard Youth and the Escalation of Stakes: The Dark Wizard, a sort of grey-green person with a cloak, is pointing at Wizard Youth.
Dark Wizard: "Wizard Youth, I have returned!"
Wizard Youth: "Dark Wizard! Why are you green now?"
Dark Wizard: "Evil magic made me green! I am green with envy towards all who are good!"
Wizard Youth: "I will not engage with how you are clearly based on fascist ideologies and yet this narrative plays into fascist aesthetic sensibilities!"
Wizard Youth and the Post-Hoc Revelations: The Wizard Youth is leaning over their Wizard Mentor, who is laying in a pool of blood.
Wizard Youth: "Wizard Mentor no! You can't die!"
Wizard Mentor: "It is fine, wizard youth. My death will further your character development into a wizard adult. Also, I was secretly a very very dark purple this entire time. I never brought it up so I could retain narrative approval.
End ID 3.]
[ID 4: Wizard Adult and the Overdue Conclusion. Three panels. I am sorry.
Panel 1: The dark wizard is dueling the Wizard Adult with magic beams.
Dark Wizard: "Evil green beam!"
Wizard Adult: "Good red beam! Despite the enormous variety of magic in this series this is what our final battle looks like!"
Panel 2: Wizard Adult stands victorious over the dark wizard, who is dying on the ground.
Wizard Adult: "In the end, dark wizard, you were defeated because I am morally superior to you."
Dark Wizard: "I was a product of systemic failures. There will be someone like me again someday!"
Panel 3: Zoom in on wizard adult, who says:
"Not if I can help it. Because I am going to be a wizard cop now. The moral of this story is that all systemic issues can be solved by finding a bad guy to beat."
End ID 4.]
[ID 5: Four panels.
Panel 1: Return to the green trio on their couch, watching the TV say "The End." All are are silent.
Panel 2: They are sitting on the couch. Moss is looking at their phone.
Lime: "Yeah so there were maybe a few signs we missed because we were children."
Leaf: "Yeah. A few. Some."
Panel 3: Continue conversation.
Lime: "So what did you think, Moss?"
Panel 4: Zoom in on Moss, who says: "I've been zoned out on my phone since the second movie. They lost me at the magic stuff. Wizards aren't real."
End ID 5.]
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lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)
if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.
--
no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.
I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.
I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.
If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.
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