#i love rye and her writing more than my own life

[tslittlecaesars]

RE: Homestuck Discourse, Media Literacy, Fandom Entitlement, & The Puppet Theory

an essay by yours truly

content warning: discussions of child abuse, CSA, & child neglect

so many discourses and debates surrounding homestuck boil down to lacking basic media literacy. so instead of making a petulant rant, i’ll attempt writing a productive essay, but forgive me if my annoyance seeps into parts of this post due to the subject matter. let’s start with dave, since he’s one of the most contentious characters (also because he’s my blorbo, sorry not sorry), and move on from there!

i constantly see people say something along the lines of “davekat happening in the retcon timeline makes no sense why would terezi ignore dave and gamzee yada yada yada”, like there’s not a whole scene that explains this! and it’s one of the most plot relevant scenes in the comic!! if you don’t know what the blood scarf even is, your opinion on this irrelevant, since you didn’t read/remember the text. rule number one of media literacy is properly consuming the media.

“dave being abused and the gay stuff came out of nowhere” this is definitively not true. one of the first things we learn about dave is that he has to hide food in his room so he doesn’t starve, and that this is an intentional choice by his brother. oh, and then his brother actually beats the shit out of him on screen, while not letting him abscond, right after we see john and rose strife their parents in a healthy way no less. (take note of bro using cal, and dave trying to abscond from him. more on that later.)

and re: dave’s sexuality, rose immediately points out that dave is probably gay during their first on screen interaction, and it’s her first line of dialogue to him.

TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect.

TT: Either that, or flagrant homosexuality.

moving on, later that same day, dave outright admits he loves john:

in these scenes, rose would be considered a mouthpiece! author’s use mouthpieces to get across information to the audience, that the character(s) themsel(ves) don’t know. in this case, that character is dave.

so now let’s address the elephant in the room, you probably thought these messages were just jokes, and that’s okay! that’s for three reasons:

first, your worldviews and perspectives shift the way you perceive the world, and more specifically art in this instance. that’s a fundamental part of the human experience. having your own personal biases based on your life experiences isn’t inherently a bad thing! for example, if you finish my essay, you can learn more about compulsive heterosexuality, or the effects of child abuse, see all of the signs, all without having to deal with it first hand. which is great! that’s the point of art and storytelling.

secondly, you probably still thought dave was straight while reading this narration. that’s because homestuck is written in deep pov, or as you would probably call it, unreliable narration. these are technically two separate things, but i don’t feel like breaking down all of those pedantics. all you need to know is: deep pov is when a character’s worldviews and perspective shift the narrative, rather than a story being told objectively. think junie b jones, the percy jackson series, or uh, catcher in the rye, if you’re into that sort of thing. that means that all the dialogue and narration within homestuck will always have some level of subtext, aka the non-literal explanation for text. homestuck is made by adults for adults, so it’s created on the basis we can analyze the text, and come to our own conclusions, unlike YA and children’s media.

a lot of people assume homestuck is supposed to be YA series, but that’s not the case. homestuck’s themes are about exploring the effects of child abuse and neglect, which you need to be an adult to fully understand. and unlike cinderella, homestuck shows child abuse on screen, and as we’ll discuss later, tackles subject matter about CSA, or child s*x*al *ss*lt. that inherently makes it a 18+ story, no matter the ages of any characters involved. just because most of us read homestuck as kids doesn’t really have any impact on that.

“well there’s no explicitly 18+ content in homestuck!!! they’re all 13!!!!” please take one look at equius’s room, or translate damara’s dialogue, and tell me if you still feel that way. oh, and read the epilogues too. also do you not remember the sheer amount of bloodshed, sex jokes, and cursing shown without a single censor??? even the official homestuck twitter said this:

finally, it’s also worth mentioning the time homestuck was made, because art can’t be removed from it’s historical context. so in 2009, gay representation was still virtually non-existent, especially in children’s and teen media. in the 2000s there was an extremely prevalent trope, “queer people are funny”, where the whole joke is that a character doing something that could be perceived as gay, or transgender, is funny. this problem was especially rampant in media for men. the most infamous example of this is family guy this was s8e18 of family guy, “quagmire’s dad”, where the whole joke is that brian slept with a trans woman, and everyone single joke comes at the expense of the trans woman, who’s relegated to a background role, while the narrative focuses on quagmire and brian’s emotions, the two cis men. so what homestuck is doing is called a deconstruction of this trope! deconstruction is where you break something down to critically analyze the philosophy behind it. we’ll leave a pin in john for now (just you wait), but it’s made extremely clear that dave is struggling with internalized homophobia, thus deconstructing why he makes these jokes in the first place. by the end of homestuck, dave says:

DAVE: but ive had a fuck ton of time on my hands to think about stuff. about stuff ive said and done in the past why i said and did them. a lot of things i once would have insisted were like part of my brand and helped me come across cool and smartassy, but now im not so sure. we used rip on each other all the time for being gay even though we knew we werent which of course is what made it "funny" remember?

with this quote, and the knowledge that dave goes onto date a man, i don’t think anyone is denying the internalized homophobia now, so let’s move onto reading this:

i’m sure all of us are thinking “there’s no heterosexual explanation for this, he doesn’t even like ben stiller!” OR “maybe dave’s just too embarrassed to admit he likes shitty movies? is it really more than that??” either way, that’s because hussie utilitized the rule of three to make you subconsciously notice dave’s obsession with irony! the rule of three is used to set patterns in a story, either to establish a fact, or to subvert the viewer’s expectations. for example, let’s analyze this joke:

notice how terezi’s third response is the funny one?by setting up the pattern, both you and john are expecting her to keep laughing in response, so when terezi flips the script on him, it’s hilarious. that’s called payoff, or in this instance, comedic payoff. now we can compare that to dave’s irony, where it was mentioned three times on one panel. no subversions of expectations here! that’s because hussie wants to establish dave’s obsession with irony, and they did so by creating a pattern you would notice subconsciously. this is how the rule of three works! psychology is cool, right?

so now that we can all agree that the subtext here is related to the irony, we have a new problem: we’ve only gotten dave and rose’s perspectives. we still need one more to complete the rule of three. fuck. thank god i can skip ahead!

using my whimsical ability to read ahead analyze text, i find out what john said to dave, and leave out the unimportant bullshit for everyone’s sake (mostly mine though):

dear dave, happy birthday!!! (…) i got you these. they're totally authentic! they actually touched ben stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point. i'm sure you'll dig them because i know you lolled so hard at that movie. ok so for real, this is sort of a shitty present, but it is an ironic present because i know you wouldn't have it any other way. maybe you can wear them ironically some time. they MIGHT even be more ironic than you and your bro's dumb pointy anime shades.

now we have three characters’ perspectives on dave’s behavior. you’re probably able to put together the pieces i’m putting down, but for those who aren’t getting it: when you compare john’s letter, with dave’s actions, and rose’s messages, you realize that: dave is keeping these glasses because he loves john, not because he likes ben stiller, but he can’t admit that to himself, hence why his narration overcompensates with the usage of irony! it’s worth noting that all of these examples are from dave’s pov, because switching to rose or john’s pov would no longer make them mouthpieces!

“okay but isn’t dave’s perspective not reliable either??” yes! that’s why we’re using his actions as textual evidence, not his statements. the fact dave kept these glasses, and hung up a picture of an actor he doesn’t even like, is the proof he loves john, not him saying outright that he loves him. like i said earlier, this is a comic intended for adults, so characters aren’t going to outright say themes or how they feel. that’s more for peppa pig, hannah montana, and riverdale, you feel me? just like in real life, talk is fucking cheap here.

so now we’re left with a new question: why does dave feel comfortable admitting his love for john to rose, but not john himself? i’m sure the answer is becoming obvious! putting all this together we can gather the following: hussie wants us to know that dave possibly has a crush on john, but definitely loves him.

wait a minute… possibly?!? that’s because we still need textual evidence dave likes men. luckily, like i mentioned earlier, we can skip ahead to the epilogues, where him and karkat get together in the meat timeline, thus proving dave has liked men this whole time. boom! that’s payoff!!!

now we can OFFICIALLY put together that dave had a crush on john. once again, notice how we’re using dave’s actions to prove this, and not just quotes! either way, now we have officially used media analysis to deduce that dave had a childhood crush on john! huzzah! pat yourself on the back my loyal reader.

and for those who still aren’t convinced of dave’s crush on john, this masterpost has way more evidence than i ever could fit in this post.

(trigger warning: csa)

so now with everything we’ve learned about media analysis, i present you with my own analysis: the puppets are a symbolism for abuse, and the sex puppets specifically are an allegory for CSA, or child s*xual ass*ult. symbolism is where you use a certain object to represent ideas or qualities. the best example of this is the iconic green house logo we see throughout the comic. in comparison, an allegory is when a certain object or plot device is used to get a point across, without directly stating the point itself, aka, a hidden meaning. for instance, hussie has said their game “pyscholonials” is an allegory for how they feel about their gender identity!

so now, let’s start finding textual evidence to back up my claims about the puppet allegory, through looking for textual evidence of dave’s symptoms, aka analyzing character psychology:

dave’s anxiety manifests in the way he types. according to healthline “rambling or excessive talking [is a sign of] social anxiety. you fear saying the wrong thing or being judged by others, but you end up talking more (…) in an effort to help make up for your anxiety, and help quiet the worries revolving around what others think of you”. this is basically dave’s whole personality, but more specifically, you can see him doing this around the puppets in this scene, he rambles to himself non stop when returning to his childhood bedroom, and he’s still doing so on the meteor when he can’t find terezi to do “some stuff”. by the end of the comic, dave even acknowledges this himself by saying: “DAVE: yo im hardly one to talk here since i am a goddamn geyser of hilariously self-pulverizing freudian bloopers”. it’s also worth mentioning that, generally speaking, dave also spams his friends a lot until he gets a response, implying he gets anxious when people don’t respond quick enough to him, which is a normal reaction after being neglected as a child. that’s called a trauma response! all of these bullet points are trauma responses that happen to people who had to deal with CSA. in this case, the trauma response would be dave’s anxiety in general, and not him spamming his friends specifically. moving along…

dave’s hypersexuality manifests in a pretty in a pretty straightforward way, hence him constantly making s*xual jokes, and him drawing dicks on stuff on the meteor, much to the annoyance of everyone else. terezi even points this out herself while dave is failing to grieve bro:

TG: im sorry you are so flustered by the mere mention of glittering mythical cryptodick it honestly makes me think youre not ready for the truth

GC: D4V3 YOUR P3RPL3XING 3UPH3MISMS INVOLVING WHAT I PR3SUM3 TO B3 L3WD 4ND VAGU3LY INTRIGUING PORTIONS OF HUMAN 4N4TOMY 1 THINK 4R3 NOT 4S HILARIOUS 4S YOU PROBABLY B3L13V3

his dissociation is also pretty straightforward. he constantly talks about himself in the third person, and treats himself like he’s a character in a story, rather than a person who has wants and needs. for reference, dave immediately pulls meta shenanigans when you meet him, foreshadowing his dissociation. you can tell it’s built up to an already toxic level when we meet him, because on the same day, he has almost no reaction to seeing his own corpse, and immediately disposes of it “for jade’s sake”, rather than his own. and to make matters worse, he immediately “moves on” as if nothing happened. deep pov, remember? he also couldn’t properly process bro’s death. once again, terezi tries to point this out to dave, and he’s still not getting the message. put a pin in this section for now.

near the end of the comic, davepetasprite outright says that davesprite was depressed, regularly talked about how he wanted to off himself, and implies he might of attempted it. this is a grey area since davesprite is technically a separate character, and grieving the death of everyone from his original timeline, but it feels weird to just ignore it. to each their own on this point, but i would assume davepetasprite was referring to dave’s whole life when they talked about him being depressed based on wording, and his terrible childhood, but the s**cidal stuff could go either way. again, the proof here is dave/davesprite’s actions, not davepetasprite’s quote itself.

he displays regressive behavior 24/7 by wearing his shades to avoid eye contact, refusing to participate in common social cues (i.e.: constant dick jokes), and the few times we see him get upset, he shuts down rather than feeling his emotions. not so fun fact, the only time dave cries in all of homestuck is because of onions being cut in front of him. there’s an allegory in this scene, can you find it? (hint: the dragons forced dave into the soup, but he refuses to get out of it) also, in his most emotional scene, he still tries his damndest to not talk about emotional stuff with dirk, and still doesn’t cry when they hug, despite discussing bro’s death, and his thoughts on his own abuse in detail:

the lack of self esteem is pretty apparent. he constantly over compensates at the beginning of the comic, as seen below. he always talks about himself as if he’s a famous important guy, despite that all of his friends know he’s lying, and regularly say it to his face, but he’s still adamant that they’re wrong, or commits to the bit without actually admitting the truth. i wanna note that dave’s humor is always more of a commit to the bit and keep it going sort of thing, for better… or usually worse. not full on sarcasm. this is opposed to rose and john’s teenaged douchebaggery mixed with flagrant sarcasm. also, in the aforementioned scene above, davepetasprite still refers to davesprite as a piece of garbage, showing this is something dave struggles with even while being combined with nepeta. again, we’re using the action of putting himself down, not the quote itself. (also, sorry for the image quality, i’m on mobile)

in the long term, it’s basically impossible for him to form long lasting, fulfilling, and romantic relationships. first, it’s his crush on john, but that’s just kids being kids stuff. there’s also the fact dave and rose had some sort of failed relationship in davesprite’s timeline, due to them not learning they’re siblings. then we see the serious problems arise with terezi, who he dates pre-retcon mostly just cause she’s there, and his weird definitely not gay rivalry with karkat, which leads to her being unfulfilled in their relationship, and starting a kismesistude with gamzee. obviously the jade stuff is a big wooooof (pun NOT intended), both with davesprite, and the candy timeline. ultimately, both times, dave only dates jade because he feels bad for not liking her back, which leads to the relationship falling apart both times. remember the pin in dissociation? that’s what he’s doing here. karkat would be the opposite of jade. dave doesn’t let himself date karkat because dave hates himself, and more specifically, his attraction to men, which i’ll elaborate on later. this is what we call a character foil, aka two characters who have similarities so you can contrast their differences. think naruto and sasuke, or uh, deku and bakugo i guess? how do you do fellow kids? actually yeah! cause jade is green, and karkat is red blooded, which would symbolize how dave sees karkat as the “wrong” choice, while jade is the “right” one. the colors green and red are opposites, but jade and karkat are both of dave’s love interests in the epilogues. see? character foils! symbolism! personally, i refer to this as “star wars logic”, cause the good guys have green lightsabers, and the bad guys have red ones. this is definitely intentional, seeing as homestuck is littered with star wars references, like how HIC is basically just darth vader. meenah is also definitely a reference to darth maul, just look at her double sided weapon, or how they both die before getting to their respective thrones. i could keep going but it’s not really relevant to the discussion.

so right now you might be thinking “well you still didn’t explain how dave got assaulted tho”, and that’s fair. however, i wanna remind you that showing children porn against their will is 100% a form of CSA, same with sex paraphernalia, and especially forcing sex paraphernalia onto them. to do that to a child non-stop, in an environment they can’t escape, would have horrid effects psychologically, and dave displays almost every one of them, as you saw with the textual evidence above. so when dave can’t admit to himself that he he hates bro’s puppets, and more specifically the sex ones, it’s because doing so would force him to admit: a) what bro did to him was wrong & b) that he enjoyed it in some aspect. john even points out how weird bro’s affinity for puppets is weird and definitively not cool, which causes dave to immediately shut him down hardcore (more allegory).

speaking from experience, one of the worst parts of CSA is that you have no clue what’s going on. victims of assault often blame themselves, or feel guilty of what happened, and children lack the ability to tell what’s fully going on in the first place, due to their brains being underdeveloped, thus amplifying the guilt and blame. people often worry so much about the “man tricking kids with candy” because it’s the most pervasive p****ph*le you see in media (god i hate true crime culture), that people forget that 84% of csa happens in the home, 50% of the time it’s someone the child trusts, and 40% of time it’s family members specifically. even if 99% of your experience is terrible, you’ll still find a way to blame yourself for the 1% until you can properly process that you didn’t do anything wrong. this is what’s referred to as the “the myth of the perfect victim”.

i know this is “personal speculation”, but to me, it seems very apparent that dave is gay, and can’t come to terms with it because of his CSA trauma, hence his inability to just admit to himself he has a crush on john. every girl he dates in the main comic is quite literally the ONLY dateable girl in front of him, or usually the only girl in front of him at all, and all three girls have crushes on him/flirt with him WAY before he starts their relationships. and once again, he only dates jade in the epilogues due to his own guilt and dissociation, combined with her doing everything short of forcing herself onto him. compulsive heterosexuality is a major part of homestuck. for instance, hussie has confirmed via author’s notes that rose had a crush on dave when they were kids, and that something happened between them when they never learned they were siblings on davesprite’s timeline, yet hussie has also said that rose is a full on lesbian. that’s comphet, and it’s very intentional!

i also wanna take a moment to acknowledge that dave and rose are 100% nods to luke skywalker and princess leia, who also kiss before finding out they’re related. notice how dave fights with swords, like a lightsaber, and has the same hair as luke. meanwhile, rose’s seer of light powers are basically the same as leia’s force powers, and she uses most of her weapons as blasters, just like leia. i don’t think hussie was trying to be weird or add this stuff in for any unsavory reasons, like some people imply. there’s a reason all of this extremely vague, and not shown on screen. put a pin in that.

so in the same way the katanas in dave’s fridge symbolize bro prioritizing preparing dave for battle over what he actually needs (food and shelter), that’s how the puppets symbolize dave’s CSA. now, if you read dave and rose’s conversation about the sex puppets with that knowledge, it starts to paint the harrowing picture (again, allegory). it’s important to remember that rose had a canonically had a crush on dave at the time during this conversation, so she was probably just negging him the same way she negs her mom. she was upset because she knew that dave liked john, and probably was just gay in general, so he was never going to like her back. she’s definitely projecting her gayness (and love of puppets) onto dave too. again, all of this is definitely comphet lesbian behavior. all that’s to say, i’m not claiming she’s intentionally victim blaming him or anything during this scene. she’s just as much of a child as he is. put a pin in that too! i got sited sources coming, but i can only put so many goddamn words and images in a single post.

so, i see the sentiment shared a lot that hussie just tacked on the abuse stuff at the end, and that the beginning of homestuck “was just a silly comic at the beginning it’s not that deep”. that is an objectively ill informed take, and now you know why! the entirety of homestuck’s themes are exploring the effects of child abuse and neglect, hence the name, home stuck. there’s a reason the protagonist who is able to save everyone, also has a seemingly perfect home life. notably, the only other character who’s a completely well adjusted nice person is nepeta. she’s also the only character who’s able to free roam as she pleases, has a loving lusus, and ironically, is the only character without a home/hive to begin with. once she makes into the game, her land is quite literally her cup of tea as well. these definitely aren’t coincidences. i hope your allegory alarms are going off right now!

the only reason homestuck is sillier in the beginning is solely because it was a fan lead project for the first few acts. back in the day, there were forums dedicated for audience input to decide what happens next in the story. fun fact: this is how a lot the characters names were decided as well! so there’s a reoccurring bit where (insert beta kid) does (something stupid) and then the plot just moves on (i.e. john’s HILARIOUS antics). those were the silly suggestions sent in by the fan community! that was back when the homestuck community was still pretty small, all things considered. this explains the wonky pacing in the first few acts, and the more comedic tone.

moving on, the reason the puppets and the katana fridge are used as symbols, is because yeah, the tone would be way too dark if they played that straight. however, there’s another reason that’s way more important. remember how homestuck is written with a deep pov, aka unreliable narration? (please don’t kill me pedantics police!!!) hussie uses deep pov to display how homestuck chacters see their parents/lusii, in order to convey the themes of the story. stick around a bit longer and i’ll explain the theme of homestuck! just let me explain something real quick, so you get the big picture.

bro is shown in a positive zany light because that’s how dave sees him. to dave, bro is his whacky older brother, and sure he’s a little out there, but ninja battles and puppets are sick as fuck, right? well we as the audience know that’s NOT the case. again, dave is literally starved on screen, and gets the shit beaten out of him, also on screen. this parallels rose’s relationship with her mom, who gives her everything she could ever want and need, but doesn’t fulfill rose’s emotional needs, so rose sees her as a some sort of spiteful cartoon villain. dave even calls this out the second he sees all the wizard stuff rose got from her mom.

meanwhile, you can see rose admit to liking the puppets here, and she says she’s a fan of bro’s pornbot websites as well.

ultimately, they both want what each other has, but aren’t really able to fully grasp why their own parents did what they did, much less each other’s parents, which leads to them both envying the toxic part of each other’s households. i’m sure you’re starting to see the big picture with the puppets now, so to send the point home, remember that image i showed you during dave and bro’s strife? well, bro is attacking dave with a puppet, and dave wants to abscond, but can’t, perfectly paralleling dave’s abuse to a puppet. furthermore, that’s why he’s surrounded by sex puppets specifically, and they’re all throughout his apartment. it’s all symbolism for how dave is trapped in home dealing with CSA.

this is the purpose of allegory, telling you something without directly showing it. i doubt any of us think homestuck would be better if this stuff was depicted literally, for all the obvious reasons. i’ll close out with this dialogue since it shows what i mean better than i ever could myself:

DAVE: why did i get such a raw cut of the asshole deck? and why did it take me so long to figure that out? and like hes dead now so thats that. so all thats left to do is look back and try to put the pieces together of my first 13 years, and all i can think is what the fuck WAS that?!

DAVE: i dont come away with the impression i used to try convincing myself of, that he was like "mysterious" or "stern" or "aloof". the only feeling left is this insane impression that i was raised by somebody who fuckin HATED me, and the whole act of even "raising a child" was some totally fucked up game to him.

DIRK: What… did he do?

DAVE: i dont want to get out the laundry list, but for reference laundry wasnt one of those things. that was just one of the many little domestic things i just had to sort of FIGURE OUT. sorta like i eventually had to learn what the REAL purpose of a refridgerator was from movies.

DIRK: Wait. What???

DAVE: i dunno theres too much to even get into. just- i dont remember the atmosphere ever not being nerve wracking. all havin to sneak around and... ugh my shitty childhood spider senses are tinglin just thinking about it.

DAVE: it was "training" you know?

DAVE: but you know what it really was, it was some vicious shit that was bad and sucked and i hated it

DAVE: it didnt make me stronger

DAVE: it did the opposite

DAVE: it made me never want to fight

DAVE: it made me never want to see blood or be near danger or hear metal sounds

DAVE: it made me hate the idea of being a hero cause he was a hero and he ruined the idea of heroism

(…)

DAVE: i know how it sounds but i am NOT joking and there is NO shred of doubt in my mind that he loved all those puppets more than me

so uh, this essay is already long enough, and you definitely want me to just say the theme by now, so let’s explain the rest of this allegory in optional bullet points that you should definitely still read.

rose liking the puppets is symbolism for how emotionally neglected children often end up subconsciously “wanting” terrible things to them, like abuse or self harm, so they can justify their own unhappiness with their lives, due to them not understanding that their emotional needs aren’t being fufilled. again, the myth of the perfect victim, starting during childhood specifically. rose does this by convincing herself that her mom hates her, rather than seeing that her mom is trying her best to parent, and failing miserably. rose is also unaware of her mother’s alcoholism, which symbolizes how she doesn’t understand that her mother is emotionally neglecting her. this parallels how dave is seemingly caught off guard by dirk’s sexuality, and thus bro’s sexuality, due to dave not processing that his abuse is sexual in nature.

jade’s love of plushies parallels dave’s love, and eventual hatred, for puppets. (once again, notice the red vs green. character foils!) this is because her neglect causes her to become extremely immature. when she’s a kid, this mostly just manifests as her liking children’s toys, and speaking with a childish affectation. however, this immaturity goes unchecked, leading to the epilogues, where she completely ruins dave and karkat’s relationship for her own sexual desires (paraphrasing). you could say the same for her secretly getting rose pregnant in hs^2, knowing kanaya will be upset when she finds out. basically, she has a huge emotional disregard for everyone around her, which stems from her almost complete isolation for most of her childhood. once again, emotional neglect leading to regression, more specifically maturity regression in her case, which makes sense when you remember she grew up raised by an actual dog. and interestingly, dogs have low emotional intelligence compared to other animals. jade herself becomes part dog while going godtier, right as she has to go into further isolation during the three year journey. dogtier symbolism! jadesprite also throws a tantrum when she’s created, right after being combined with a dog. more symbolism!

dirk loving cal is an allegory how he can’t let go of his own self abuse, which becomes extremely literal when he cuts his head off. something something symbolism. this is also foreshadowing his eventual role as the villain of the story once he achieves his ultimate self, and begins thrusting abuse onto others. after going ult, dirk ends up pushing jane into presidency, thus allowing a troll genocide to happen. it’s also worth mentioning jane r*pes jake in the epilogues, and while knowing this, dirk still supports her because he believes “the ends justify the means” during all of this. now he’s officially just as bad as bro at this point. i also wanna point out that this, once again, this makes dirk a huge foil to dave, with both of them helping their respective presidential picks to win the election. i believe this is hinting that dave will eventually be the one to defeat dirk, thus finally not letting his bro have power over him, or anyone else for that matter. remember how dave is a reference to luke skywalker? well the main villain of homestuck^2 is his father figure from another timeline/universe, so at this point, it seems like dave will have to be the one to do the killing blow on dirk, the same way luke did to vader. only time will tell. pun intended bitch. also, dirk’s shade of orange is right in between dave’s, and the yellow bloods, possibly symbolizing how dirk is doomed by the narrative just like sollux, mituna, and the Ψiioniic, combined with his own self abuse.

roxy has seemingly no affinity or hatred for puppets, dolls, or plushes, foreshadowing her failed assassination attempt on the batterwitch, and her short lived alcoholism. however, she does still have a pile of cat and wizard plushes in her room. roxy is probably the third most well adjusted character in all of homestuck, and had a pretty nice childhood all things considered! obviously it wasn’t perfect though, hence the short bout of alcoholism. all that fits into my puppet theory pretty well, implying that roxy made it to the end of her game due to her lack of alcoholism, unlike her alpha self, but just like rose. her shade of pink being the middle ground of dave and rose’s makes sense as well.

on davesprite’s timeline, his sprite prototypes with cal, and one of the birds who never left his apartment, symbolizing how he was unable to escape the trauma of his abuse and homelife. also another easter egg! crows are the smartest bird, and one of the smartest animals in the animal kingdom. this is symbolizing how dave is actually the smartest member of his session, which makes sense due to the sheer amount of math he does for his sylladex, despite bro not bothering with his homeschooling. this is why davesprite’s wings are clipped, to symbolize how his neglect and abuse ultimately made him worse off, rather than “being the air beneath his wings”. actual dave notably fights with a clipped sword, can you guess what that symbolizes? (hint: bro clipped the sword)

john interestingly fits into this as well, due to him receiving a harlequin doll for his birthday, and it later prototyping his kernelsprite. john hates clowns, and is the main character, which interestingly foils gamzee, who loves all things clown, and is relegated to a joke background character. let’s just put another pin in john and gamzee for now! i promise it will pay off.

but most importantly, lord english is the referred to as “the 8ig 8ad” by vriska (not a coincidence! think about spidermom!!!), and lil cal himself is referred to as the “most important character in homestuck”. notably, lord english is also the mind behind lil cal. this symbolizes how abuse is a central theme of homestuck, and the last trial the characters must overcome. that’s why rose stops drinking after the retcon, and why dave starts… doing something with karkat?

so there’s a huge elephant in the room! if we’re discussing davekat, we have to to mention the contentious reveal scene, don’t we? forgive me, but we have to address all the little nuances of this. so uh, remember dave’s anxious speaking habit we’ve established? well he starts blabbering when karkat immediately brings up his old black feelings for john, most likely implying he’s a little jealous/insecure about that. this is pretty normal, cause he’s still teenager at the end of the day. you can see it specifically in these two lines:

DAVE: so are you SURE you still dont have these unreconciled blackrom feelings about john

DAVE: i say we air this out before it ferments into some rank and hella unexamined feeling sauce

see? remember what i said about dave having trauma responses? this is it. he’s just anxious karkat might still like john, thus ruining their relationship, or uh, situationship at the time. he also might be projecting his romantic attraction to john onto karkat as well. then, he rambles a bunch of incoherent bullshit when john asks what his sexuality is. karkat is extremely embarrassed by this part of the conversation, yet he was able to calmly discuss his old crush on john. so this all comes to a head with the following dialogue:

JOHN: did you... like, date any boys?

DAVE: uh

JOHN: but there weren't even that many boys on the meteor? well, there's the clown guy, but i don't really see you and him... that really only leaves... um, were you and karkat... ARE you and karkat, like. hmm.

this makes karkat officially loses it due to embarrassment, but i’ll spare you from that huge wall of text. next dialogue reads:

JOHN: dave, i'm pretty sure we're making karkat uncomfortable now.

DAVE: yeah maybe we should drop this

JOHN: ok.

so lets think. they aren’t dating, but they definitely did something kinda gay. notably, this parallels the “things” dave did with terezi pre-retcon, while still being tastefully vague. the idea that dave did some gay teenager shenanigans actually does make sense for his character arc, because it implies he’s comfortable enough now to try something like that now. though i do wanna emphasize that i’m not try to explicitly say they had sex, i’m just saying dave explored his sexuality. come to the conclusions you’re comfortable with here! hussie goes out of their way to not display or mention characters doing any sex acts while they are minors, and this is the closest we ever get to anything like that. there’s only one instance of making out even happening in homestuck, and it’s just jake making out with his avatar poster. well, unless you wanna count this i guess? considering everything we’ve gone over in this post, this is most definitely intentional.

through john’s retcons, the butterfly effect forces the dave and rose to address their respective childhood traumas, which leads to them being able to beat the game. same with davepetasprite finally giving jade the closure she needed right before she woke up. same with terezi fixing her relationship with vriska. karkat runs for president later, proving he’s got over his leadership trauma as well. that’s how you win sburb. john saving everyone with that retcon shows the central theme of homestuck: you can change at any point, and get through any hard times, as long as you have people in your life to help and support you. the retcon is great because it shows you how a timeline is doomed, so that way you can understand why they won.

EB: well to be honest, i never really believed any of your guys's doom and gloom nonsense. not because i think you are lying... i just feel like there must still be a way to win! (…) also, there is always hope for someone who has good friends to count on!

so when dave and karkat start getting together, and do “stuff” on the meteor, that’s all the tasteful way of saying: dave was able to process things, and become more comfortable with himself. again, this totally could’ve just been making out, come to the conclusions you want. the vagueness is intentional.

notably, vriska, dirk, jake, gamzee, and jane are the only surviving characters to not address their trauma at all by the ending, which leads into their current arcs in homestuck^2 (or lack thereof in gamzee’s case). there’s also one more character, who we’ve carefully left pins in until now….

it’s time to address june egbert. spare the torches and pitchforks please! i’ve done a ridiculous amount of research, and there still doesn’t seem to be a proper explanation for june egbert from either a homestuck fan or a creator behind homestuck, so i’ll bare the cross of this explanation. from here on out, i’ll still say both names interchangeably for pedantic reasons, but that’s solely because this is still in a weird state of schrödinger’s canon, and hs^2 is pretty much it’s own thing in itself. but i’m a trans woman so w/e. once again, spare the pitchforks! please!

the reason why her being trans works is because john/june spent the whole series so focused on saving everyone else, that she never focused on herself, or thought too deeply about anything. that’s kind of her thing, taking everything at face value, and not thinking too deeply about herself (i wonder why… ♾️). this is even pointed out by dave himself during The Davekat Scene™:

DAVE: ok i guess what im saying is… i dont think its all as simple as you think it is, or maybe not like ACTIVELY think it is but continue to assume it is on account of NOT thinkin about it much, due to a lot of junk about the subject that gets shoved into our brains from movies and stuff while we were just dumb kids

JOHN: i,

JOHN: hm.

so you see the set up here right? the character who i was referring to, who still hadn’t processed their childhood? it’s important to realize that june/john has never actually had a character arc herself, because her story is told via the hero’s journey structure, not a typical three act story structure like almost every other character receives in their arcs. ever notice how homestuck is constantly compared to the odyssey or the iliad? that’s why! this all means, june/john is a plot motivated character, rather than a self motivated one, again, like almost the rest of the entire cast. it makes sense for her to have to start self introspection once the game is over, she never really had the chance to while saving everyone else. interestingly, vriska’s arc is told in the format of the hero’s journey as well. dave/davebot’s arc in the epilogues and hs^2 is also told in the format of the hero’s journey. he seems to be in between “woman as the temptress” (aka jade) and the “atonement” stage, which would most definitely be finally seeing karkat again, something hs^2 is still building up to. this makes sense for all three characters, seeing as being a “hero” plays huge parts of all of their respective storylines.

i also wanna bring up the clown stuff again, and more specifically, gamzee. even more specifically, this amazing analysis by @abcq2:

before murderstuck, gamzee has no idea that he is a clown. sure, he anoints his face with greasepaint, rides a unicycle, and juggles, but these are serious religious sacraments to him. and, sure, sometimes he trips on his giant floppy shoes and lands face first in a pie, but that's just being blessed with a miracle, because he was just thinking about pie. and, sure, sometimes his friends say things like "HEY ASSHOLE. CLOWN ASSHOLE. YOU WORSHIP A CLOWN RELIGXON. FOR CLOWNS." to him, but he's too zonked on sopor slime to extract any meaning from it. when gamzee sees the ICP miracles video, he's too sober to dismiss it as a mere coincidence; for once, he gets the joke, and realises that he was the butt of the joke the whole time. he understands that every time he fell face first in a pie, it was the work of an unsen riddler. he grasps that he is, in a cosmic sense, a clown, and hates it. (…) when the murder spree is over, gamzee's beatific grin returns; no longer a look of blank ignorance, but a knowing smirk. he's successfully ruined his character forever - no one wants to see him and no one thinks he's funny. hussie seems to say: jesus you are such a shitty clown. and gamzee's impassive face seems to say: i know. gamzee refuses to clown out of spite, and hussie refuses to remove gamzee from the story out of spite. it's a committed relationship of reciprocal, mutual antagonism. what i'm saying is that hussie and gamzee ar-

once again, all credit for this gamzee analysis goes to @abcq2, please check them out!!!

so i’ll cut straight to the chase, mostly due to me getting close to tumblr’s character limit. the clowns are an allegory/symbol of being transgender. it’s impossible to ignore. remember that game i told you about? psycholonials? if you’ve ever played it, you’d know that clowns and transgenderism are tied up together in one big scene. i won’t spoil the game, it’s really good! check it out! this parallels homestuck, where june has always been associated clowns. not a coincidence. once you fit gamzee into this equation, it’s clear that gamzee’s “clown” dysphoria is a stand in for gender dysphoria. read the analysis above one last time and tell me i’m wrong. hussie themself has only posted themself in clown makeup since 2020, this started exactly half a year before they unofficially came out as non-binary via a homestuck announcement. they also tweeted that they use any pronouns shortly afterwards, on a private (?) twitter account. it’s also worth mentioning that one of the few of photos of hussie that we have, they were in ICP/juggalo stuff just like gamzee, and this photo was taken in october of 2010, mere months after gamzee’s introduction, and possibly a month or less after act 5 act 1 was finished. if you know anything about this image, or tumblr user @dead12234352356456775, please message me! this blog is the earliest place the picture can be tracked to, and i’d love to ask OP if they know anything about this image. hussie has notably referred to themselves “clown gender” as well. it’s unclear to me whether hussie actually likes icp, or if this is one huge coming out ARG, but either way, clowns = trans, got it?

so when john/june have a clown sprite following her around, it’s an allegory for how the trans stuff is literally in her face, but she can’t understand it!

“but there’s no textual evidence of john wanting to be a girl!!” see, we’ve officially waded deep all the way into the murkey grey waters of nuance. so if you don’t know, june is the embodiment of what us trans women refer to as the “pre-egg crack”, aka, the phase before you realize you’re trans. this phrase applies to all trans people, but trans women use/identify with it the most, just cause we usually come out way later, usually around say, 20-23, like john/june is by the end of homestuck! huh, what a coincidence. in all seriousness, this is because most trans women start their transitions when they first live on their own. john/june’s also a computer scientist by hobby, something a lot of trans women do. this is because trans women are one of the smallest minority groups, so we usually have to go resort to online communities to talk to each other. this is also necessary for a lot of us, due to research on hrt not really being as advanced as it should be, and the fact transitioning is still illegal/hard to access in a lot of areas. trans women are also likely to stay inside on our computers cause yknow… dysphoria. plus computer jobs often have decent pay, low barrier to entry, and require little to no interaction with other people in person, making them perfect to both medically and socially transition. sure, june never outright says “i want to wear a dress” or laments about dysphoria, but again, homestuck is by adults for adults. the story shouldn’t have to explain something like this to you. the only reason you had the impression that there’s no evidence of john being trans is because you weren’t educated on the subject matter, but now you are!

“you’re just projecting onto this character!!!” and you are too! again, that’s how everyone engages with art. to think you don’t do the same yourself is foolish. utter poppycock even! however, i really despise this sentiment. the fact i’m a trans woman makes me the most qualified to speak on this subject, not the other way around. who are you to speak on the experiences of trans women? exactly. i’m tired of us trans women being berated for headcanoning characters as trans women, even when it’s extremely obvious why we do as such. it’s always the boils back down to the same bullshit in response: “well actually YOU’RE the transphobic one for saying all trans women look/act the same!!!” *sigh* that is literally the definition of an identity. you sound dumb, and are speaking over actual trans women, whose opinions are infinitely more important than yours when it comes to this subject. this is literally just the “what is a woman” debate repackaged with the guise of liberalism. it’s annoying.

“all this june stuff came out of nowhere!!!” this headcanon became prevalent during the pandemic, where tons of trans people were able to start their transitions! i did this myself, and so did hussie. doesn’t seem so random now, does it?

“hussie is just doing this for woke/fandom points!!!” uh, and what would they be gaining by making john trans? if this was about making money, wouldn’t the merch link on the official website work? hussie makes visual novels now, and has removed themselves from homestuck as much as feasibly possible, while still maintaining their ownership of the IP. not exactly the most lucrative career path. and if you’re implying hussie is adding any element to homestuck simply to please fans (yes, that includes davekat), you obviously know nothing about hussie. go on reddit, read ANY responses to the epilogues, or the plot of homestuck^2, and tell me when you find the tons of people happy with their contents. oh, and see how homestuck fans feel about kankri and cronus while you’re at it. i’ll wait.

“okay but the toblerone stuff is dumb!!!” at no point before the june wish did hussie say that finding a toblerone would give the finder the power to make a canon-altering wish. as you can see here, all of the wishes weren’t even granted, some of which have no impact on canon at all. if hussie wanted to, they were well within their rights to go “yeah no, this is dumb, sorry” when the wish for june egbert was sent in. this means that june egbert already fit into hussie’s idea of canon, and as i’ve already pointed out, june egbert has properly been foreshadowed, so this all adds up. the idea that hussie “turned john transgender because of a toblerone” is an exaggeration of events perpetuated by losers misguided and ill informed fans. hussie has been sent an insurmountable amount of headcanons over the years, and aysha u farah, who has had major involvement for multiple homestuck projects over the years, has said “the only headcanon i've ever seen andrew get excited about is june egbert” on a now defunct podcast called perfectly generic podcast. (forgive me, but any links to the specific episode i’m finding no longer work due to their official website no longer working. i’m not listening to hundreds of hours of an archived podcast for this minuscule of a clip. be my guest if you want to take that on! once again, message me, and i’ll update this section.)

either way, based on everything we know, june egbert is canon because hussie wanted this prior to the toblerone wish, because if the wish contradicted or retconned canon, it wouldn’t have been granted in the first place. simply put, june egbert is canon because it’s want hussie wanted to begin with, and the wish came after that. once again, the sheer amount of foreshadowing here should be more than enough proof, and if you want more even more proof of june egbert foreshadowing, check out this blog post! it’s great!

“well it’s dumbledore logic!!!!!!!!!” is it though? j.k. rowling is a transphobic bigot, who’s works cost money to access, who confirmed dumbledore was gay only after he died, and then she still straight-washed him in future harry potter media. hussie is an actual trans person, running an indie project, who wrote one of the longest literary works in the entire english language, made it all free to access, supports all fan archives, and hasn’t even ended homestuck^2, where john/june is very much alive. and once again, the wishes were to add something to post canon content specifically, without shifting the canon of the main series. homestuck^2 is still updating, and as far as we know now, more projects are on the way, like the completion of hs^2 and hiveswap. these situations have almost nothing in common aside from deriving from twitter. if you’re mad about this, were you mad when jake was confirmed to be brazilian in a youtube livestream comment? or when gamzee’s red crush on tavros was confirmed via a dubiously canon comic? probably not. eh, maybe you were actually, i don’t know you. either way, feel how you wanna feel about jake being brazilian, i don’t care, but you can’t say there was “nothing building up to june egbert” now that you’ve read this essay. the dumbledore comparison is dumb as hell.

“well i’m trans and i don’t feel represented by june!!!” if you’re “feeling unrepresented” by june, it’s probably just because you’re not a trans woman obsessed with computer science. that’s just you not relating to the character. it’s really not much deeper than that. and on that point…

“well i just don’t like this!!!” with all due respect, you seriously need to put thought into why that is. i can’t think of a single non-transphobic to be upset about a character transitioning in a story. and again, homestuck is one of the longest literary works in the entire language, and is completely free to access. in all of homestuck history, not a single product was sold under the guise that “john will be cisgender forever” or “dave will not end up with karkat” or “jake will never be brazilian”. hussie doesn’t owe anyone any part of their story’s canon. it’s their story, full stop, and if you’re mad about that, you’re entitled to something that was never yours to begin with. not all art is made purely for your consumption, and free art is especially not made for your consumption. can you critique it? absolutely. there’s a big difference between criticism and bashing though. if you don’t like any part of homestuck, write a fan fiction, make some fanart, or write an oddly soapboxy essay about your personal fan theories and headcanons. turn that negative energy to make something positive! i’m being serious! hussie themself encourages this!!!

“okay but it’s still lame the davekat stuff happened off screen” i can agree to a certain extent, but dave and karkat’s relationship plays a major part in the epilogues, as well as homestuck^2, and that’s not even unpacking their weird borderline black rom dynamics pre-retcon. to act as though their romance starts and stops during one intermission really downplays how seriously their relationship is taken throughout the homestuck series.

“okay but isn’t a lot of that stuff dubiously canon?” baby, everything is canon. hussie has said so themself. there are infinite possibilities for what could have happened during homestuck, so maybe we should just focus on the fact it’s taken seriously at all? honestly, the line between dubiously canon and actual canon is paper thin. homestuck^2’s entire plot is currently deconstructing what canon even means. if you wanna only see the main series as canon, be my guest, but the accusations of homophobia and queerbaiting over the davekat reveal are a little ridiculous. their relationship plays a major part in all homestuck content for years now. also, big reminder that, with the reveal of june egbert, there’s now only one canonically straight character from the main series, and she’s a villain now, so…

“well you’re just strawmanning me now!!!” my loyal reader, i understand you are a human being with infinite nuances i will never be able to understand, cause quite frankly, i have no clue who you are to begin with. i don’t think everyone who hates davekat or june egbert is some anti-lgbt bigot. i’m just here to set the record straight, and provide context for people who are willing to listen. a lot of this shit is confusing, and there’s misinformation a plenty out there. most people who are participating in this discussion clearly haven’t bothered reading homestuck for years at this point, possibly even a decade. and that’s fair, most of us read it as kids, and probably stopped by the final update, if not sooner. honestly, i think the main issue here is that people are playing the telephone game via fandom discourse. that’s how we went from “hussie supports june egbert” to “hussie made john being transgender canon cause of a candy bar” in the first place. if you’re participating in this discussion, maybe try rereading homestuck before you let your vague memories of reading the comic years ago define your current day opinions? besides, i’m not delusional enough to think any bigots are going to read this post and be convinced, but i’m sure i can open up the minds and eyes of people who are willing to listen! give homestuck a reread, imagine how much more foreshadowing has gone unnoticed over the years!

i feel the need to be so thorough, bust out so many references, break down every bit of nuance, and speak from my own experiences, because inevitably, a small group of people are gonna read this post and still go “it’s not that deep! they’re just puppets! june egbert is a bunch of sjw malarkey!!!”, and to those people, i hope you stop making fandom spaces miserable because you didn’t wanna pay attention in english class. media analysis is a necessary tool, and i’m sorry our education system here in america failed both you and i. (or maybe your a non-american country has english classes as terrible as ours? idk.)

honestly, i think i read like five or six books in throughout of all high school. i failed english my freshman year, and dropped out by my senior year. there’s always room to grow though! look at how i’m able to write this essay now! all you have to do is just watch some video essays that break down your favorite movies, tv shows, books, and more!!! there’s tons of jackasses like me who will lament about their hyperfixations. plus, now you already know what symbolism, the rule of three, and allegories are! before you know it YOU’LL be the one noticing all of the easter eggs in the media you enjoy, just like us the rest of us pretentious media analysis fuckheads.

i’m sure all of us are old enough to remember how exciting it was when rosemary was first confirmed, or when the dirkjake kiss happened, or all the recent stuff with davekat. and guess what, june egbert is going to be that lots of young trans women! after reading all of this, is hating june egbert the hill you’re gonna die on?

you know, hussie practically uses homestuck as their personal diary. i don’t think anyone’s denying that. it shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to understand why they want their main character to be trans, or why they wanted dave to end up with karkat. maybe you’re just not willing to understand it? if we’re allowed to project on to these characters, then why won’t you let hussie?

if you got to the bottom of this post, thanks for reading! i might turn this into a video essay if i’m being honest, but if you wanna repost this, or make your own response, please just credit me! also check out my homestuck fanworks if you like this post, i’m sure you’ll like them too!!! i don’t really have anything else to promote so uh…. if you’re on the homestuck^2 team and read this…pleasefortheloveofgodiwouldkilltoworkonanofficialhomestuckprojectidontevencarewhowhenwhenwhereorhowbutillsettleforanytjingpLEdareplelaplwlalsplelallaldle

in all seriousness, thanks for reading! i doubt this post will take off simply due to how long it is. i’d love to hear other people’s thoughts and opinions on this, or possibly make mutuals to yap with even! dear lord i miss having friends to talk about homestuck with. also sorry for the censors, normally i wouldn’t bother with something like that, but i’ve been working on this non-stop for the past few days, so i don’t wanna risk it being taken down.

anyways….. THAT’S why i have the bro strider tag muted 😭

(EDIT ON 9/15/24: added a new source i found and fixed some minor grammatical errors)

[necroromantics]

🌙 — The Moon; Tali Marks

the girl who died every night and awoke the next morning. always dying, never escaping.

- tali marks was born in the belly of the beast. her dark evergreen eyes were smokey with the ash of all the bridges she burnt. lips red with blood from biting her tongue.

- looking at her was like looking at an open wound, or an 6ft hole in the ground. half girl, half killer.

- she drank rye whiskey and always had a cigarette perched in between her fingers, knuckles bruised, dirt under her nails from digging her own grave.

- two-faced, like a crescent moon. the dark, the light. the saint, the sinner. the madonna, the whore.

- the bitch, the daughter, the ticking time bomb.

- tali wasn't easy on the eyes. her disarrayed hair, choppy and tangled. her smudged eyeliner, unwashed from the night before. her freckled shoulders always tense.

- the girl wasn't just rough around the edges, she cut like a kitchen knife, the serated kind that tore apart bread and flesh alike.

- she used to be kinder, easier. but it didn't last long. she learned quickly that there was predator, and there was prey. she learned quickly that being consumable only meant she'd be eaten whole.

- there wasn't a thing in the world tali trusted enough to lean into, nothing she trusted more than herself. the girl lived her life on her feet. running away, always fighting to run away. she was always on her own. and she liked it that way.

- people have tried to love her. they tried to ignore her morbidity, selfishness, rude sarcasm. her bluntness and brutal honesty. but the boys at her school thought she was weird, inconvenient, and the girls hated her. they called her a whore, trailer trash, a freak.

- and if she wasn't fighting girls behind the school for looking at her wrong, she was sitting under the bleachers with earbuds in, smoke in her lungs.

- a grotesque girl. dead, with nothing to lose. reckless, with nothing to hold her down.

- like the moon, that girl was stuck going through the same cycle again and again, surrounded by darkness. untouchable, alone. divine torment.

^ art and oc made by my girlfriend ( @clockeyedtoy ). i just do the writing.

[ineffable-endearments]

No Woman No Cry by Rita Marley with Hettie Jones

What could a memoir by Rita Marley, widow of Bob Marley, one of the most internationally renowned musicians of all time, possibly have to do with Good Omens? This is what I was wondering when I saw it on the "book club" list in Amazon's X-Ray feature, and what I was determined to find out by requesting it from the library.

[ID: A screen capture from Good Omens Season 2 Episode 2: several books on Aziraphale's bookshop shelf. From left to right, the legible titles are: I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith; No Woman, No Cry by Rita Marley; The Crow Road by Iain Banks; The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon; Catch-22 by Joseph Heller; Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez; Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell; The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler; The Bible; The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald; The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger; A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket; Herzog by Saul Bellow. There are a few other books, but their titles can't be seen in the screen capture. At the bottom of the frame are Gabriel's blurred fingers as he removes another book from the shelf. End ID]

Screen capture is from cap-that.com.

As a nonfiction narrative about real people, some of whom are still alive, No Woman No Cry is different from all the other books on the list. It's got intimate details about real people's lives and major historical events, and that is why I'm not going to make one-to-one comparisons to my favorite fictional story.

But I will write a summary and a reflection on it.

Warning for the summary and essay below about racism, colonialism, rape, and spousal abuse. Do feel free to chat or ask me about more specifics, if you're concerned about reading those subjects. Also, though it's a memoir rather than fiction, there are, of course, many spoilers.

So, first of all: I am in so very far over my head when it comes to discussing the deeper themes of this book. I grew up a middle-class white girl in Connecticut, USA in the 1990s and 2000s and experienced neither abuse nor fame in early adulthood; this memoir is written by a woman who grew up a dark-skinned black girl in deep poverty in Jamaica in the middle of the twentieth century, then experienced a dizzying combination of fame and abuse almost all at once. I can empathize with Rita's story as she tells it, but to analyze and extrapolate in any sort of insightful way? No, I don't think I can do that. No Woman No Cry deserves reflection, though. Please kindly bear with a little clumsiness.

I can see from online discussion that a lot of people come out of this book feeling shocked and dismayed to discover that Bob Marley did, indeed, abuse his wife, including an instance she described as "almost rape" when he simply would not accept a sexual rejection. After writing about all this and more, though, Rita Marley continues to miss, love, and admire Bob; per the online comments, many readers seem to have decided that she is misguided, afflicted, or outright delusional for feeling this way. Although I could not forgive Bob's abuses, I also cannot dismiss the positive meanings that Rita has taken from her time with Bob. It's her story, not mine, and she already has her own way of synthesizing the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Summary

No Woman No Cry starts with Rita Marley recalling Bob Marley's death.

But then I started to cry and said, "Bob, please, don't leave me." And he looked up and said, "Leave you, go where? What are you crying for? Forget crying, Rita. Just keep singing. Sing! Sing!" So I kept singing, and then I realized, wow, that's exactly what the song was saying: "I will never leave you, wherever you are I will be..."

Rita Marley's full maiden name was Alfarita Constantia Anderson, but she went by Rita her whole life. Her parents separated, as was common, and she lived with her beloved Aunty Viola for much of her youth. Rita was bullied by her classmates for her dark skin; though most Jamaicans are people of color, eurocentric beauty standards brought in by colonialism still led to a strong bias toward lighter skin.

Rita met Bob Marley in Trench Town when they were both getting into music; Rita was in a group called The Soulettes, and Bob was in a group called The Wailers with his friends Peter and Bunny. They bonded over music. They also bonded over Bob's generosity with Aunty and taking care of Rita's child, as Rita was a single mother at the time and Bob was nurturing toward her baby daughter, Sharon. Interestingly, Rita stated she initially got involved in Bob's personal life because she felt she wanted to take care of him, as he didn't have anywhere comfortable to live.

Bob got Rita interested in Rastafari, which connected with her spiritually and helped her gain confidence in her beauty and worth as a black woman. Rita gives Bob a great deal of credit throughout the narrative for helping her discover herself.

Rita and Bob had very little income for the early part of their marriage. They had to stay in a single room at Aunty's house, and although they loved Aunty, it was just too crowded, especially since Aunty and Rita's brother did not approve of all of their decisions. They were judgmental of Rastafari, for example, which had no respect in Jamaica. (Although there is still bias against Rastafarians today, things are a bit better.)

Over the next several years, Rita and Bob moved a few times while continuing to work on Bob's music; they had homes in Nine Mile and then again in Kingston. Rita describes the two of them getting into "love fights" and then making up; they would fight "like children," as she put it, although she was left with physical injuries at times. Aunty warned Rita against staying with a spouse who would hit her. Rita, however, didn't want to leave, partly out of love and partly because she felt that maintaining the marriage was a duty. She also believed she and Bob would always actively choose to be friends, no matter what happened. Bob made up with both Rita and Aunty.

Rita considered different career paths, which included some music, but also the possibility of nursing. On the other hand, Bob devoted himself entirely to music, except for a short time working in the United States. Both Bob and Rita worked in the United States at different times. Neither of them liked it. During Rita's stay in the US, she hated being away from home and felt like she was growing apart from Bob. When Rita got back to Jamaica, she discovered that two other women were pregnant with Bob's children. Though she was angry, Rita decided that because of her spirituality and her continued love, she would remain married to Bob, but would focus on taking care of herself and the children. By now, the family had three children: Shannon (who Rita had before meeting Bob and who Bob formally adopted), Cedella, and David Nesta (better known as Ziggy).

This whole time, Bob had been working on music, with Rita helping when she wasn't away in the US. They had been establishing relationships with studios and selling records, and were seeing some success.

Bob and the Wailers' new producer gave them a house as a space to work and make music. That house was at 56 Hope Road in Kingston, and it's still a famous site today. By the time they got that house, Bob was entirely the one performing with the Wailers, while Rita was mostly taking care of the children. Because of the constant activity from strangers, business dealings, and womanizing that went on at Hope Road, Rita did not want to raise her children there, and she decided to get a government-sponsored house in Bull Bay, another city.

Bob ultimately bought the house in Bull Bay at Rita's request. Rita worked hard on developing her independence while she was raising the children there; she learned to drive and garden, and the garden yielded many fruits and vegetables. Aunty and other friends helped out, too.

Bob financially supported Rita and the children. He divided his time between the house in Bull Bay, the house at 56 Hope Road in Kingston, and tours. Rita and Bob's relationship seemed to be somewhat fluid here; on one hand, Rita describes herself as a "friend" or "sister," and she strongly contemplated divorce. But she also describes how she got a basement studio at the Bull Bay home, and how she and Bob would go down there to make out sometimes, or, more often, to make music. Sometimes, they'd even have little family "events" in that basement studio wherein the children, who were now a bit older and had strong interests in music themselves, could put on imaginary little shows for fun.

Although Bob constantly had girlfriends, he got inordinately jealous of Rita's friend and neighbor, Owen Stewart, known as Tacky. Tacky was not initially a romantic interest. However, Bob assumed he was. One night, Rita informed Bob that she didn't want to have sex anymore because of his constant philandering; she wanted to take a stand. But he was absolutely insistent, arguing that he should be able to have sex with her because she was his wife, until she finally went along with him. Rita comments, "I was almost raped that night."

It sounds like it was rape to me. And Rita got pregnant from it. She and Bob now had another son, Stephen.

Rita and Tacky had by then started having a sexual relationship, which Bob tried to confront Tacky about. One of Bob's girlfriends just happened to appear right while he was talking to Tacky, which was a massive embarrassment and which Tacky correctly used to point out Bob's hypocrisy. Bob stopped arguing, and Rita continued her relationship with Tacky. Rita also had a child with Tacky, a daughter named Stephanie, who Bob adopted.

Life, incredibly, moved on, and Rita suggested to Bob that she should start a juice bar with some of her produce at his Hope Road studio location. Bob agreed, and Rita started the stand that eventually became the Queen of Sheba restaurant. Everyone loved her organic food; Rita comments that Bob was her best customer and PR man.

While running the Queen of Sheba restaurant, Rita reconnected with some friends: Minnie, Judy, and Marcia. Minnie helped a great deal with the restaurant. Rita, Minnie, and Judy wanted to start a Rastafarian women's organization and school for Rastafarian children, while Rita, Judy, and Marcia agreed to sing together at a club. It was Rita's first public performance in a long time.

Right after this, The Wailers broke up. Specifically, Bob signed on again with the same record label and would still work with new singers as "Bob Marley and the Wailers," but the other Wailers, Peter and Bunny, left. They weren't happy with the way the label was headlining Bob. Bob felt deeply hurt by the group's dissolution, but he asked Rita, Marcia, and Judy to come sing backup with him in the studio and on tour.

Bob was paying Rita, as well as Marcia and Judy. But at the same time, Rita got to make music with Bob again, and she loved that. She was very happy to go on tour with him, partly out of a desire to spend time together again - through all the horrible things that had happened, they still loved each other and wanted to spend time together. Rita was also happy to be working on her own musical career. Rita, Marcia, and Judy had named their trio the I-Three, and this would be solid work for all of them.

Rita insisted on getting to be her own separate person on tour, a member of the I-Three instead of Mrs. Marley. She writes about wanting to continue looking after Bob on the road - ensuring his laundry was done and meals were eaten, for example. But otherwise, she stated, she was free to do whatever she wanted on the road in a way she couldn't be at home and wouldn't have been if she were expected to be acting as Mrs. Marley the whole entire time. She also, however, writes about missing her children and her home dearly.

Again, Bob and Rita's relationship continued to seem very fluid. Bob would get jealous if he thought other men were involved with Rita; there was even an incident when he came into her hotel room, started shouting when he saw a male friend in there, lifted Rita up off the bed, and dropped her back on the bed. But he also continued to have affairs and children with other women. Rita writes that she wasn't threatened by many of these women because there were so many of them and they didn't represent serious relationships. Rita also felt it was easier to just take Bob's children by other women into her home, and she often had friendships with their mothers. There were a few women who seemed serious enough for Rita to be hurt by their presence, but over and over again, she chose not to worry about it, because she viewed her role as more important.

Despite the difficulties of dealing with Bob's womanizing and being away from home, Rita chose to stay on tour for all those years because she was instrumental in holding together "such a good thing" - Bob's musical tours with the I-Three - and she sensed it was important to people all over the world. She also loved the sense of individual development she got from that time. Rita comments:

Take your troubles to the Lord and not to the people, I'd tell myself. So I did just that---I prayed. And I gave my part, I gave it honestly. I gave my part, from the heart, and I was paid for it. Paid every week, just like everybody else. So I could maintain myself, not just physically, but with a lot of spirit. And on good days, even though I wasn't altogether happy, I felt so independent, thinking, well, now I can do whatever I want, now I can buy clothes and shoes that I like, I can be---whew---just what I wanna be!

During the seven years they were touring (interspersed with time at home in Jamaica), Bob and Rita did have their arguments and fights, but they overall got along well and were still in love, so they solidified their relationship "as man and wife" again.

However, Rita still didn't feel individuated in the way she wanted to, so she signed with a record company named Hansa Music. Bob did not like this because he wanted to be the one to give Rita her big break; he wanted to keep the music in the family. He felt like white people (Hansa Music was a French company) were taking Rita away. But Rita and the record company were persistent, and he finally agreed to cooperate. Rita started working on her own individual music.

Bob had a political presence - people had come to think of him as "the voice of the people," and youth from the ghetto tended to look to him for help. People would come to Hope Road looking for favors and financial help, with which Bob was generous. But a lot of the people looking for help were mixed up with crime. He became anxious, even paranoid, as people sought help with matters that could endanger Bob and the family - people asking to stay at Hope Road to avoid gang violence, for example.

Eventually, the government asked Bob to do a peace concert called "Smile Jamaica" to encourage peace in the population before an election. Bob agreed, because he believed in peace.

Just after a rehearsal shortly before the concert, Bob and Rita were shot in an assassination attempt; Rita was shot in the head but the bullet didn't cause a fatal wound because of her thick dreadlocks, and Bob was grazed across the chest and shot in the elbow, where the bullet remained for the rest of his life.

Bob insisted on doing the concert anyway, with the bullet in his arm. Rita was up there with him, even though they hadn't been able to remove the bullet from her head yet, either.

After the assassination attempt, the shaken family spent some time in the Bahamas, in Nassau. Bob then went "into exile" in England, where he reconnected with one of his girlfriends. Rita and the children went back to Jamaica for school, but no longer felt safe in their Bull Bay home, so Bob bought a three-sister (three-family) house for them in Kingston. Rita and Bob continued to talk almost every day by telephone.

The political situation didn't lighten up - Bob's influence was being tracked in the United States, and this included intelligence agencies monitoring his mail - but he decided to return to Jamaica after about half a year because he missed his home. However, Bob returned to increased political activity, including more people asking for dangerous favors; again, gang members asked to stay in his home and wanted to act as his personal security.

Before what would be their last tour, Rita wanted to get a different house for the children. She and Bob disagreed on the house; Rita wanted a smaller but beautiful house on a hill overlooking Kingston, while Bob had plans to build a mansion he could settle into with all of his children and work on his music. Rita realized Bob was planning much more for himself and the children than for her, even though he also made a bunch of promises about being a better father, friend, and husband after this tour. He was planning to settle down. Rita told him that was nice, but still decided to put her advance from the tour toward the house on the hill.

During this next tour, Bob injured one of his big toes twice, first in 1975 - after which point it never fully healed because Bob would not give it a rest - and then again in 1977, after which the nail fell out and he developed malignant melanoma. He was advised to have the toe amputated. However, he refused, believing he couldn't perform without his big toe, that audiences wouldn't want to see that, and he was told the doctors were lying. He believed the doctors were lying.

They proceeded with the tour. Bob was extremely famous at this point, and Rita felt she was losing him; other people controlled all his time and influenced his every decision, and Bob felt obligated to keep up with all the demands, even at the expense of his own health. Eventually, Bob collapsed and was taken to the hospital, at which point he discovered his cancer had spread to his brain and he had only months to live. Because the diagnosis was terminal, Bob's managers were planning to keep him touring until he died, but Rita was outraged about this and called everyone she knew to insist on bringing the tour to a stop.

Bob did get cancer treatment, first in the US and then with a specialist in Germany. The German doctor, Dr. Josef Issels, managed to keep Bob alive six months longer than the other doctors believed was possible; however, he soon died very young, at the age of 36.

Rita was devastated. As they were both young, Bob's death was the first major loss Rita had experienced.

Moreover, Rita was immediately thrown into managing a ton of issues that had never been planned for. Rita was betrayed and taken advantage of by people who had been involved in managing Bob's finances, and she even ended up on trial because they accused her of misusing Bob's money after his death. However, everything Rita had used the estate's money for was legitimate. She acted according to the financial advice of his manager, and took care of the children, and paid for his funeral, and paid legal fees. Bob also simply was not as wealthy as people believed; his legacy has generated a lot of money over decades, indeed, but at the time of his death, he wasn't inordinately wealthy, or he wouldn't have felt so much pressure to do all that touring.

Summing up their relationship after Bob's death, Rita writes:

I thought Bob did the greatest thing by leading me to find myself. ... 'You are what you are, you are black and you are beautiful.' And I know there are many, many others who learned that same lesson from him.

Rita went on to carry Bob's legacy forward, keeping his music alive. In 2000, Time magazine awarded the "Song of the Century" title to Bob's song "One Love" and the "Album of the Century" title to Bob's album "Exodus." Bob's children now have musical careers, which Rita has nurtured.

Rita was able to set Aunty up, eventually, with everything she wanted, and Rita's father came home to spend time with his many grandchildren. Eventually they both passed away, and as keenly as she felt the losses, Rita was able to lean on her friends. Rita also had one more daughter named Serita with Tacky.

Over the past few decades, Rita has continued to pursue her dreams and live an incredibly active life. She has continued to promote Bob's music, but also moved to Ghana and started a nonprofit called The Rita Marley Foundation, caring for infants and the elderly. She has done a great deal of humanitarian work.

Worth noting that Rita structured this book so it ended with the same idea with which it started:

So I started to sing, as he told me to do, and just as he said it would be, everything was all right. Rastafari!

The Big Picture

The way I see it, a big part of No Woman No Cry is about identity and individual will. The concept of identity is in the ways we're defined by our connections, from intimate connections to large-scale social contexts, and in the ways we're defined by our own choices. It hit me with almost every chapter how strong Rita's individual will was while at the same time being interconnected and interdependent with so many other people in her life, and, of course, being shaped by her race and Jamaica's status as a colonized nation until 1962.

This book is also a study in the complexity of human connections - particularly, in how it is possible to meld hopes and dreams with another person's, and to unreservedly lean on other people, without losing one's sense of self. Rita and Bob chose to marry because they had mutual dreams; Rita chose to stay with Bob, though, because of the way she personally wanted to live. And she simultaneously pushed for her independence, which in the end was the thing that allowed her to do so much of her own humanitarian work and carry on Bob's legacy, too.

This pattern, wherein individual will and relationship connections mutually strengthened each other, carried out with all of Rita's close friends and loved ones. I'm thinking especially of Aunty - Rita and Aunty clashed a great deal in Rita's youth, and yet, each valued their family connection as much as their own individual will. They stuck together despite the friction; Aunty helped raise the children, and later, Rita was able to provide Aunty with a comfortable life. That in turn was possible only because of Rita's insistence on making her own choices while Aunty insisted on continuing to provide support.

Hand-in-hand with the concept of identity is memory. This is, after all, a memoir. Its very purpose is to solidify memories, to put them in the form of a book and to help other people understand Rita's life with Bob. When Rita explains her motivations in writing, she's giving her individual will, her choices, a material presence in the world. Although I don't believe Rita comments on this in the book, I'm imagining that the act of putting her memoir in writing helps solidify her power over the narrative of her life; by writing out our stories and the thoughts that inform them, we can illuminate the power our own choices have.

Another theme running strong throughout No Woman No Cry is faith. In high contrast to the themes of The Crow Road, Rita Marley's faith doesn't hold her back; it gives her strength and connects her to others. "Faith" for Rita means Rastafari. It helped her connect with her inherent worth as a black woman, and it helped her see her own success as part of a better world overall. Rita shores up her faith against the oppressive, authoritarian nature of colonialism. For Rita, faith isn't something that subdues her with dreams of another world; it's something that moves her to act in this one.

The book opens and closes with assurances that Rita should just keep moving forward (singing, in her case) and everything will be all right. That's also faith - the belief that she will succeed if she just presses forward, even if she's not sure how that can happen. Her spirituality allows her to tap into this, but it isn't specific to a particular belief system. It's just about being willing to believe, time and time again, that one foot in front of the other will ultimately lead somewhere good.

Altogether, I believe No Woman No Cry was on the Good Omens book club list because No Woman No Cry centers the depth of the human experience: the things that make us who we are, the ways we connect with other people, and how we can figure out where we belong.

[ohlookapan]

BG3 and their fave classic novels (at least what i thought at 4am) Karlach: Frankenstein (she read it growing up and liked it but now it feels bittersweet when she rereads - but she feels like it makes the book better somehow now that she relates to it more) Laezel: Catch 22 Gale: The Great Gatsby or Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy Astarion: Catcher in the Rye (i dont know why it just feels right) Wyll: anything by Jane Austen (explains why he acts like a regency love interest) Shadowheart: Charlotte's Web (denies that she even knows it exists but she always cries when she reads it) Halsin: The Secret Garden Jahera: The Alchemist

These are all so perfect are you kidding me-

Your answer gave me a few ideas of ones I might change, but they're very few. I do want to share my thoughts on all your answers though because damn are they good and give me a buffet of food for thought.

Karlach: I'm actually furious I didn't think of Frankenstein, the symbolism is unfathomably perfect.

Lae'zel: She's always been a tough one for me to think of, so I'm so happy to hear Catch 22 as a suggestion. Honestly the phrase itself sums her (and Shadowheart) up pretty well; Either abandon your faith and start fresh (conveniently lost, if you will), or stay with a faith that you know or have an inkling might be morally wrong/deviant and have to live with it for the rest of your life. I love the idea.

Gale: Hitchhiker's Guide. No question. He's definitely the type to finish it in 2 weeks and secretly write fanfiction or self inserts for things and never tell anyone (maybe Tav or Astarion finds them and bullies him about it--but they can't judge since that's what daydreaming is for lol).

Astarion: Gatsby, which you suggested for Gale, is honestly a good one for Astarion. I definitely think he can relate to Jay--wanting to throw your life of pain and nothingness away to become something totally new and forget that old life of yours, no matter what the cost is--and think he definitely picked up on the queer-coding thing pretty fast (he believes it, I imagine). I think he could think of himself as Daisy does: "A beautiful little fool."

I also can see The Picture of Dorian Gray being a good one. I made a post about this in the past but I will never turn down an opportunity to talk about it; I feel like he'd be SUPER into Oscar Wilde and the way he views the world. To me, it fits his aesthetic and flowery dialect almost scarily well.

Catcher and the Rye though, definitely. He carries a worn out copy of that book EVERYWHERE. It's like a teddy bear to him. Maybe that's what he's reading all the time at camp?

Wyll: This is the best one, oh my Gods. I've never thought about it but now I can't unsee it during my playthrough. The almost flowery elegance he has is definitely Austen-coded. Beautiful.

Shadowheart: THIS. I definitely think Charlotte's Web boosted her love for animals, but I also think it helped her figure out her own personal thoughts about death, outside of Lady Shar's teachings. Given how much I think the book would impact and mean to her, I can totally see her naming a pet Wilbur or Charlotte.

Like Halsin, I think The Secret Garden also fits. Her love for Night Orchids, as well as the idea of there being something more out there than what meets the eye--something more beautiful than anything anyone could imagine, and something that completely takes your breath away and makes you forget about everything--is EXTREMELY appealing to her, I'd imagine. I like to think she notices Halsin reading it and walks a bit behind the group to talk about the book with him (lord knows the minute someone knows Shadowheart likes something so sweet like that, it's over for her (especially Astarion)--Gale though would totally keep it in mind and find a gold-foil copy for her).

Halsin: The idea of him sitting under a tree or something and reading The Secret Garden kills me in the best way. Maybe he's reading it out loud to ducks or squirrels (then the group hears him and gathers around for circle reading time because his voice is PERFECT for reading aloud (I think his VA even did an audiobook? Don't quote me on that though)).

Jaheira: Yes. Just... Unequivocally yes. Nothing more to say. The Alchemist is so accurate.

[truth-01001001-liar]

Heyyy~

I love drawing the flora and fauna from TES games, I absolutely love it. If anyone has any requests on that front feel free to throw an ask at me. This extends to plants, animals, fungi, and alchemy ingredients from any of the scrolls games. I just think they’re neat! :))

ALSO!! I post about my elder scrolls OCs sometimes (there’s info on them under the cut if you’re interested. Working on adding drawings of all of them on here too no idea how long that’ll take tho >:))

(Last updated: 12/23/2023)

The Heros

(Skyrim) Viir/Viiraulor:

Viirautarelor is my LBD and also a Thu’um using alteration/illusion bard. That is to say xe likes to pretend to be people other than hirself for hir own amusement, and for the amusement of others. If you see several different designs for hir this is why. Xe is armed only with hir illusory wit and a kitchen knife. (Hir name should translate loosely to ‘dying trickster’. I ran with the Shezarrine idea, but this time it’s literally just mortal Lorkhan. ish)

(Oblivion) Archcanon Ice Wraith:

My HoK, Wraith, is a spear-wielding, bug-loving, ALMSIVI-enthused, alchemy nerd that makes friends with as many people as possible, and has fallen head over heels in love with assumptions and metaphors. She WAS the Nerevarine once, but didn’t want to be. In an attempt to mimic Vivec, she ended up using Kagrenac’s tools on the heart of Lorkhan to create her own unreal reality. One in which she is never the Nerevarine. This is the reality that all of my other characters live in. She calls it c0da Web. (When written, ‘web’ is the daedric character for ‘w’. Yes… it is a spider pun. This is Wraith so of course it is. Caught in a web of lies… im sorry). Ice Wraith is kind of obsessed with Vivec, and it is kind of a problem.

(Morrowind) J’uhna:

Wraith gave my Nerevarine, J’uhna, his name. In full the name is a mix of Dovahzul, Dunmeri, and a pinch of Ta’agra. It is JUN LUN/LUHN AH VAR, which means both ‘The Life-Light and Moon’ and ‘The Hunter of Leech-Kings’ Lives’. J’uhna is a frustrated, greedy, self-obsessed person who is crafty and annoyingly adept with words. If he likes someone he needs them to be unquestionably loyal, and if he hates someone he needs them to fear him. J’uhna has memories of all of the failed incarnates. He remembers being Peakstar, Conoon Chodala, Erur-Dan, etc. Of course he also remembers being Nerevar. He’s coping with this, but not very well (he’s not entirely convinced that his memories and traumas from his past lives are real).

(Daggerfall) Plink

(ESO) Cirainile/Flowers:

This is my Vestige, an absurdly tall restoration mage who means well, but boasts some of Summerset’s more standoffish body language. He is an altmer born of a noble clan in Alinor which claims (without proof) that its lineage begins with Trinimac. He’s very interested in fabric making, and has a pet rat he calls Rice. His friends call him Nile, or Flowers, for short. (I pronounce his name sorta like ‘see-rye-kneel-uh’. Don’t really know how to write pronunciation out so that’s the best I got sorry :) )

(Battlespire) Daggi:

A powerful dremora from the badlands who is constantly rebelling against Mehrunes Dagon. He likes Nirn a lot. His favorite color is the color purple. I’ll elaborate more on Daggi when I have more energy to write it down.

The Side Bitches

(Skyrim) Ilabael Muhr:

A sweetheart and a plant nerd. Also my LBD’s ex-wife. Ilabael is the child of an exiled ashlander of Erabenimsun, and a kwama miner. She’s from Jora’ruhn—a city built by the Warrior-Poet’s last archcanon on top of the ruins of Vivec.

(Skyrim) Cahnu’ul:

Totally not a reincarnation of Vivec ;). In Skyrim he’s My LBD’s friend. He’s got no idea that he is who he is and if you accused him he’d refuse it. He grew up in Dawnstar, thinks the gods are incapable, and carries Wraith’s axe named Heaven-by-Violence. (Side note: Cahnu’ul exists in every conceivable timeline as a consequence of Wraith’s actions. If you’re curious about the ‘whys’ and the ‘hows’ of the mess that is this oc, feel free to ask. To put things bluntly though, Cahn Hahnu Sul Ul is my oc’s oc.)

(Skyrim) Peynach:

A winged Ayleid whose family lives in Skyrim’s southwestern mountains. My LBD’s friend.

(Morrowind) Morvana-Dar & Yana-La:

Two Khajiiti siblings who are both a part of the Camonna Tong during the events of Morrowind. My Nerevarine’s friends.

(Daggerfall) Snakes-Faces/Thuxisei:

Snakes or Thuxi for short. She’s Plink’s ‘friend’….. with benefits.

(ESO) Ondoth:

A leather working enthusiast and my Vestige’s husband.

(ESO) Zhaari-Sa:

A senche-raht that works odd jobs, and my Vestige’s friend.

Kaj-Mota:

Kaj exists … I love him.. I have no idea when he exists in the timeline tho. He’s pretty so there that. Idk. Big ol floofy man who likes to hunt.

Suna’raleyr & Aniayifir:

Siblings… both merchants and craftsmen. They live in the shivering isles. Ania says they live there for good reasons.. something about it being great for the imagination. They can occasionally be found on nirn, and are the ones who built my Dragonborn’s enchanted lute.

The ‘Wraith Fucked Up Her Old Timeline’ Characters:

Fahlthahrk:

I mean… someone had to do something about that bullshit that Ice Wraith left behind.

Musasanael Shimansilvaar:

Fahlthahrk’s ally. Someone (Azura probably… at least we hope it was Azura) slammed all the failed incarnates—memories traumas and all—together into a body… but … Nerevar himself isn’t there... Elvil Vidron is though. In other words… this is not the nerevarine. This can’t be the nerevarine— it sure was supposed to be, though.

Niryai:

Niryai is not his real name. It’s just what he calls himself. This makes him sound conceited.. he thinks this is funny.

[livingfictionsystem]

BOOK REVIEW: 8/10

This novel takes you into the spellbinding world of Red London, mostly from the POV of a young orphan named Kell, an Antari, who was handpicked to serve the royal family as the right-hand man to his best friend/adoptive brother, Prince Rye---Oh, wait.

Hold on, got turned around. Let's start again.

This novel takes you into the spellbinding world of Castellane, mostly from the POV of a young orphan named Kel, a Sword Catcher, who was handpicked to serve the royal family as the right-hand man to his best friend/adoptive brother, Prince Conor.

So, yes, it does seem that Clare was *heavily* inspired by V.E. Schwab's Darker Shades of Magic series. It isn't the first time she's been accused of doing this, and she might have even gotten away with it if she'd changed the name of the protagonist or the color-scheme. I wonder if Schwab is annoyed or flattered.

That being said, I still heavily enjoyed the book and it did manage to hold onto its own unique vibes. Kel, rather than being inherently magic like Kell, was chosen based on his coincidental resemblance to the prince and spends most of his life learning Conor's mannerisms, tastes, and patterns just to serve as a shield and a decoy. That brought forth an interesting POV. There was a lot more subterfuge, subtlety, and social politics in this series. Even passive-aggressive bickers amongst aristocrats had me invested and cursing under my breath. Clare's writing really makes you feel as if you're part of the scene.

Kel's inner dialogue usually beheld witty observations and exasperated fretting, so his was a fun mind to poke around in. The Ragpicker King was darkly fascinating; I can't wait to learn more about him. There are two romances blooming within the chapters and only one of those, I'm invested in. This is the first book in the series and I do believe it has a lot of potential, despite some... appropriated details. This book has fair queer representation; seemingly not trans *yet*, but give it time. The book even has Prince Conor flipping through pictures of potential male suitors, though there's no canonical queer relationship so far. At least not one that's focused on. Cassandra does have a habit of relegating queers to the background and the B plots, but I could be biased.

I did find the magic system a bit confusing. Supposedly, magic was banished due to a historic war, but some magic is still there and laying around in artifacts?

Overall, yes, there are stolen elements, but still give it a chance. The atmosphere is definitely different from Shades of Magic and it was an enjoyable read.

MAJOR TW for death of a child, by the way.

SPOILERS BEYOND THIS POINT.

I feel like the romance between Lin and Conor is awkward, going from hot to cold to hot again fast enough to give the reader whiplash. I'm sure they're going to wind up being end-game, but they haven't really fleshed each other out enough to be torturing each other the way they do. Kel and Antonetta, however, have a lot of chemistry and have clearly known each other for a while.

Whatever is going on with the King is eerily fascinating. Any scene with him in it is daunting and suspenseful. I also love the idea that the criminal king and the actual king have had an odd sort of alliance.

And that cliffhanger with Lin, claiming to be the Goddess reborn was *too* good. The way she'd timed her 'magic' just right---that was ingenious. I do feel like the character of Lin around Conor is way too inconsistent. It's a roll of the dice to figure how she's going to react to him breathing at any given time. Somewhere between an intense kiss or a brick to the face. I hope they develop more chemistry. Or that Lin's magic rock can figure out the fantasy equivalent to mood stabilizers, whichever comes first.

-Rune

[saltysaltines3]

my headcanons for every crk cookie

i honestly don't know why i'm doing this, or why i'm doing it on tumblr seeing as i never post here, but i had this idea and i'm doing it now so yay? only doing playable characters, though (with some exceptions). you will probably be able to tell which cookies i've fixated on LOL. writing these out i realised that i get very influenced by my own view of the crk universe as a broken, run down world with habitants who don’t remember what it used to be like or who they used to be. also, i haven’t gotten through world 11 yet, so my headcanons might not compleeetely comply with canon (or might BE canon lmao). anyways they're all below the cut, in alphabetical order :) NOT SPOILER FREE!

Adventurer Cookie:

Dislikes the mansion because it makes him feel trapped.

Regularly asks for Blackberry Cookie’s opinion on things, and then always does the complete opposite.

Affogato Cookie:

Loved gossip as a kid, which taught him a lot about social skills and psychology (more than he’d like to admit).

A big part of his dislike for Caramel Arrow Cookie stems from jealousy.

Alchemist Cookie:

Helped her brother discover that juice/wine works as a substitute for jam.

Chemically produces a ration of wine for him every month.

Worries about her brother a lot and dislikes that he drinks so often. Is researching other substitutes for jam.

Fends off vampire hunters, and in return her brother fends off alchemy-deniers.

Almond Cookie:

Would be really good friends with Espresso Cookie if they spoke more. They’ve met a few times through Latte Cookie, but not enough to have a full conversation. Ironically, both are too busy and burnt out to make time for making friends.

Never fails to show up to any of Latte Cookie or Cream Puff Cookie’s important life events, always completely on time.

Angel Cookie:

Secretly likes to creep people out.

Horror movie enjoyer.

Used to be best friends with Devil Cookie when both were angels, before Devil was corrupted. Still trusts them.

Avocado cookie:

Knits in her spare time.

Is really good with children because of her motherly/big sisterly vibe.

Beet Cookie:

Is very easily startled, but hides it.

Has a crush on Carrot Cookie.

Black Raisin Cookie:

Was lonely as a child, which led to her making friends with the crows.

Sometimes misses the days when ‘Healer Cookie’ and her could spend more time together.

Is very grateful to Pure Vanilla Cookie, often doing favors for him despite him telling her there is no need.

Blackberry Cookie:

Has trouble expressing her feelings.

Has been able to see ghosts from birth. Took the job at the mansion because there were so many ghosts residing there, and she wanted to help them.

Is distantly related to Onion Cookie and acts as her big sister.

Wants Onion Cookie to experience a happy childhood, which is why she has not told Onion that she’s a ghost.

Caramel Arrow Cookie:

Despite her hatred for Affogato Cookie, she considers him part of the Dark Cacao Kingdom. Believing there is still good in him, she would still protect him if the kingdom was attacked by outside forces.

Carrot Cookie:

Loves watching cooking shows.

Good friends with Herb Cookie.

Secretly admires Beet Cookie’s hunting skill.

Cherry Blossom Cookie:

Has prevented multiple murders related to her sister’s cherry bombs.

The older sister.

Thinks its extremely cute that Werewolf Cookie reacts to commands instinctively.

Knows what it’s like to be feared because of her sister’s past, and wants to help Werewolf not go through the same thing.

Cherry Cookie:

Knows a lot about making and storing food due to her sister’s love for picnics.

The younger sister.

Used to be feared by everyone before her and her sister moved to a new place.

Chili Pepper Cookie:

Took care of Custard Cookie III until Pure Vanilla Cookie was found. Now, she acts as his big sister, but isn’t his primary caretaker anymore.

Can’t tell if she has a crush on Rye Cookie or if she hates her.

Clotted Cream Cookie:

(Honestly I know next to nothing about him)

Probably extremely lonely + has really bad trust issues.

Clover Cookie:

Has obsessive tendencies.

Creeps people out by accident a lot.

Extremely close friends with Herb Cookie. They know almost everything about each other, have sleepovers regularly etc.

Has written a song about every one of his crushes, but never performs them out of fear of being creepy.

Has developed intense feelings for Herb Cookie and is terrified of them.

Cocoa Cookie:

Has an addictive personality.

Good friends with Cherry Blossom Cookie.

Brings hot cocoa everywhere, literally. Loves bringing it to Cherry Blossom’s picnics and letting other people try it.

Cotton Cookie:

Mourns Sherbet Cookie and still has a crush on him even though he’s gone.

Initially tried to earn enough money to cure Sherbet of his disease.

Has named all of her sheep and cares for them as pets.

Would make good friends with Red Velvet Cookie if they met.

Thinks that Snow Sugar Cookie reminds her of Sherbet Cookie, which sometimes unnerves her. Since they’re part of the same friend group, she has learned ro deal with it.

Cream Puff Cookie:

Gifted Kid 100%.

Doesn’t actually know what her goal as a wizard is.

Met Wizard Cookie after her graduation and became good friends with him.

Custard Cookie III:

Custard Cookie is his dad, but he didn’t have time to take care of his son as an elder in the Créme Republic council.

Pure Vanilla Cookie is his great-grandfather (or perhaps even more distant, but still his grandfather of some kind).

Doesn’t remember much from before he met Gingerbrave.

Was neglected when younger, which is where his wish to be a ruler (who gets paid attention to) stems from.

Hangs out with Pancake Cookie sometimes.

Dark Cacao Cookie:

Would 100% forgive his son if he returned and apologised in present day.

Was in love with Pure Vanilla Cookie back in their glory days, but these feelings have faded with time.

Dark Choco Cookie:

Cares deeply about the other followers of Dark Enchantress, even if they don’t care much about him.

Devil Cookie:

Has been spooked by Angel Cookie more times than they’d like to admit.

Absolutely despises actual horror of any kind.

They really want to successfully prank Angel Cookie, but Angel has never fallen for a single one. Devil doesn’t remember why, but the dynamic feels familiar.

Eclair Cookie:

Loves to visit thrift stores.

Scolds other cookies with bad posture, but only because he cares about their health.

Espresso Cookie:

Gets anxious around new people, especially those he finds pretty or interesting. Acts cold to hide it.

Wears drugstore makeup. Especially glittery lip gloss.

Latte Cookie’s twin brother.

Fig Cookie:

Music lover, appreciates all kinds of music.

Goes to all music performances possible, but would never dream of performing themselves due to stage fright.

Storytelling doesn’t feel like a performance to them; they’re just telling stories to whoever wants to listen.

Frost Queen Cookie:

Is horribly upset that she lost her memories, because if she’d known, she would’ve found her friend and told them what she knows now about the ‘disease’. When her memories returned, her friend was already dead.

Gingerbrave:

Regularly thinks about his brother, Dozer, who didn’t manage to escape from the oven.

Secretly empathises with Dark Enchantress Cookie.

Pretends to be happy, even when he’s not.

Gumball Cookie:

Has synesthesia of the olfactory/gustatory-visual kind, as well as the spatial-sequence kind. Doesn’t know that others don’t perceive things the same way as him.

Gets annoyed when things don’t match his vision.

Herb Cookie:

Mostly listens to heavy metal and classical music.

Very friendly and loving. Gives many hugs.

Emotionally repressed.

VERY talkative, but keeps the topic away from himself/his own problems. Asks a lot of questions and small talks while also being extremely good at knowing when to be silent and listen carefully.

Makes + sells his own tea and is an expert on what kind works when and with what meal/dessert.

Clover Cookie is the only person who can make him open up about his feelings (after some prying).

Has a long-time crush on Clover Cookie, but confuses it for platonic feelings and doesn’t want to accept that it could be romantic.

Easily hurt by mean customers. Luckily, he doesn’t get many.

Hollyberry Cookie:

Was heavily encouraged to stay inside, where she’d be safe, as a child.

Did not fit the royal, “proper”, lifestyle even though she tried when she was younger. Now has the ability to act, battle and explore as she pleases.

Knight Cookie:

Used to fancy Princess Cookie, but doesn’t anymore.

Was shown more kindness by the royal court (and Princess Cookie) than anyone else, which is why he joined.

Kumiho Cookie:

Wishes for friends who would like her just for being her, instead of followers that are in love with her due to her powers.

Acts flirty because it’s all she knows how to do and she’s scared of letting others in.

Struggles to learn cookie etiquette.

Sometimes loses control of her form when very excited or very relaxed, turning into her fox form by accident.

Misses her old spirit friends from time to time.

Feels extreme guilt whenever Pancake Cookie’s allergies flare up, but has vowed to watch over him anyway.

Latte Cookie:

Espresso Cookie’s twin sister.

Sometimes forces her brother to come with her to social gatherings so he gets a break from his research (and leaves his home for once).

It saddens her that Espresso locks himself away so much.

Became friends with Madeleine Cookie after he came to her for advice on how to get closer to Espresso.

Licorice Cookie:

Suffers from low self-esteem and self-image issues.

Cares a lot about Poison Mushroom Cookie.

Lilac Cookie:

Has the best sleep schedule out of all the characters.

Has toyed with the idea of being a ‘reverse assassin’, who when hired, informs the victim of the assassination attempt and protects them from future attempts.

Madeleine Cookie:

Gives really good hugs.

Feels extremely pressured to be the best all the time.

Has Impostor Syndrome.

Mala Sauce Cookie:

Knows how to play the drums.

Would be good friends with Tiger Lily Cookie if they ever met.

Mango Cookie:

Used to be an adrenaline junkie, primarily performing stunts like bungee jumping.

Distantly related to dragons.

Milk Cookie:

Has a celebrity crush on Dark Choco Cookie.

Becomes extremely defensive if anyone tries to tell him about Dark Choco’s affiliation with Dark Enchantress.

Is the only one who can handle Purple Yam Cookie’s temper.

Hates empty promises.

Mint Choco Cookie:

Is in love with Cocoa Cookie.

Feels that his performances/playing in general is dull when Cocoa isn’t listening.

Sometimes wishes he never picked up the violin, before beating himself up over having those kinds of thoughts.

In desparate need of a break from playing the violin.

Moon Rabbit Cookie:

Is actually a hungry spirit.

Often hangs out with Pancake Cookie.

Muscle Cookie:

Didn’t want to get into bodybuilding, but was forced to by his fitness-obsessed father.

Ninja Cookie:

Looks up to Lilac Cookie.

Onion Cookie:

Died because she got locked inside the tower while playing hide and seek.

The other children weren’t actually searching for her, they just told her they were going to play so they could be rid of her.

One of the kids was actually her friend, but was too afraid to go against the group. The whole group was horrified to find out that Onion had gone missing, and likely died, because of them.

The reason clocks go backwards near Onion is because her wish is to have a good, proper childhood, and she’s subconsciously trying to return to her time.

If she realises she is dead, she will pass on, because she will then know she cannot have an actual childhood seeing as she doesn’t age.

Pancake Cookie:

Has problems with eczema, which is a big reason he always wears a onesie.

Often plays with Kumiho Cookie (in her fox form) in spite of his allergies. Sometimes he’ll have purchased medicine for them, but he can’t always afford it.

Parfait Cookie:

After her debut, she slowly moved towards becoming a solo j-pop idol.

At some point, she took a break from her music career to avoid burnout. During this time, she went undercover to a bar and met Twizzly Gummy Cookie. They quickly became close friends, and Parfait found herself in a small friend group with cookies who all performed on the side.

Sometimes performs with Twizzly Gummy Cookie, Sea Fairy Cookie, and Mala Sauce Cookie. Twizzly Gummy on the bass, Sea Fairy as backing vocals + synth and Mala Sauce on the drums.

Pastry Cookie:

Watches anime (somewhat of a closet weeb), even if the Order doesn’t really allow it.

Lost all her memories of her past life when she was rebaked for the Order. Currently trying to find out more about her past after starting to doubt the Order’s teachings.

Poison Mushroom Cookie:

Doesn’t actually know Dark Enchantress’ goal.

Tries to cheer Licorice Cookie up when his struggles become apparent.

Pomegranate Cookie:

Had a celebrity crush on, and looked up to, White Lily Cookie when she was younger. She gave it up when her destiny was prophesied and instead fell in love with Dark Enchantress Cookie.

Her prophecy caused her to be ostracised from her community, making it very easy to join Dark Enchantress, who showed her kindness.

Later, when Dark Enchantress’ creation was revealed to her, she rekindled her old feelings and interpreted them as proof that she was destined to serve Dark Enchantress.

Princess Cookie:

Takes after her grandmother with her love for adventures.

Sometimes purposefully runs away from Knight Cookie when he becomes too smothering or overprotective.

Is often frustrated that Knight follows her around, watches over her like a hawk and puts her on a pedestal.

Goes looking for Tiger Lily Cookie every now and then, but hasn’t managed to speak to her.

Pumpkin Pie Cookie:

Spent a large portion of her life alone, as other cookies would flee from her due to her uncanny vibes.

Has supernatural properties due to the pumpkin she was made from being enchanted to grow without sunlight.

At a festival, she found Pompon, a seemingly normal inanimate doll. She took them with her everywhere, spoke to them, and genuinely treated them like her best friend. When Pompon saw how other cookies reacted to Pumpkin Pie, they were furious, and started intimidating others into giving Pumpkin Pie a chance.

Eventually found out about Pompon being alive. She was ecstatic to see it.

Pure Vanilla Cookie:

Cannot forgive himself for what happened to White Lily Cookie, and for the entire Dark Flour War. Sees himself as the catalyst for it all.

Appears perfect, almost divine, in his ruling. This, combined with his guilt, has caused him to have Impostor Syndrome, fearing that he will be revaled as imperfect, or that his part in the war will be found out. To combat this, he tries to be even more perfect, ultimately creating a downwards spiral.

Regularly volunteers at a locka cake hound rescue shelter.

Had a crush on White Lily back when they were students.

Is comforted by Dark Cacao Cookie when his guilt gets extra bad or when he’s filled with grief over White Lily. At some point, his grief dulled, which sent him into a guilt-episode.

Has a crush on Dark Cacao, which he realised after being comforted during said guilt-episode.

Purple Yam Cookie:

Wants to be friends with Strawberry Cookie.

Got the idea of using a sledge/club-like weapon from Strawberry.

Raspberry Cookie:

Hates cheaters more than anything.

While competitive, wouldn’t mind having a civil conversation with a rival over a cup of tea.

Hangs out with Cherry Cookie sometimes. 

Red Velvet Cookie:

Feels like he should be thankful to Dark Enchantress Cookie for giving him his arm and taking him in, but can’t always bring himself to be.

Wanted to watch over Strawberry Crepe Cookie himself because he knew Dark Enchantress wasn’t suited to provide care (source: his own childhood). Dark Enchantress just brushed him off, like usual.

Sometimes doubts if Dark Enchantress’ plan is really the best way to achieve his own personal goal.

Like the rest of Dark Enchantress’ followers, he finds solace in his fellow servants of the Darkness.

Rye Cookie:

Chili Pepper’s opinion of her is mutual.

Has no volume control when speaking.

Has a celebrity crush on Parfait Cookie and is her #1 fan.

Sea Fairy Cookie:

(Basically canon already, but,) has a crush on Moonlight Cookie.

Sings to herself quite often, and has performed a few times as well when a backup singer was needed.

Turned Sorbet Shark Cookie into a cookie when they disappeared into the sea as a shark.

Washed Squid Ink Cookie onto shore after they reverted into cookie form, without their memories.

Generally took (and still takes) care of cookies she likes while they’re at sea.

Snow Sugar Cookie:

Is in a friend group with Cotton Cookie and Cocoa Cookie.

Distantly related to Frost Queen Cookie, or just Frost Cookie.

Frost Queen left the staff for them, despite Frost Queen not knowing why she was drawn to them at the time.

Sorbet Shark Cookie:

Made friends with Squid Ink Cookie a really long time ago, while they were still a regular shark.

They still sometimes talk to Squid Ink like they’re old friends, which Squid Ink appreciates even though they don’t remember Sorbet Shark Cookie. 

Becomes very excited whenever they find other cookies who can stand to be submerged in water, as it means they can communicate with them through speech.

Sparkling Cookie:

Tries to play matchmaker sometimes. It’s a hit or miss kinda thing.

Always invites Vampire Cookie to his parties, no matter how fancy, because he livens up the mood.

Good friends with Herb Cookie, but doesn’t invite him to parties (or out in general) very often since he knows Herb doesn’t like crowds or attention.

Has worked with Mint Choco Cookie a lot, both as entertainment at his own parties and as the planner for Mint Choco’s venues.

Is extremely sick of maintaining his looks, doesn’t know how much longer he can go on doing it.

Squid Ink Cookie:

Was known as the Giant Squid of the Deep Sea until one particularly difficult attack, when they became too tired to maintain their giant squid form and took on their smaller cookie form.

As they don’t remember anything between forms, they don’t know how to transform back or that they have the ability to, even though they have enough energy to do so. They do it by accident when scared, but quickly revert back as the transformation was triggered by a temporary emotion.

Likes when other cookies speak to them and take an interest in them.

Strawberry Cookie:

Wishes Gingerbrave would open up to her, as she feels he’s hiding something.

Is very, very distantly related to Strawberry Crepe Cookie.

Strawberry Crepe Cookie:

Desperately wants someone to stick with them and not leave. They test everyone they meet for perseverance, and also subconsciously out of fear that everyone will leave them, so it’s better to drive people away before they can get attached, right?

Ran tests on Strawberry Cookie because they were hoping that Strawberry would feel a connection and stick with them, or that they would find similarities in their dough that would warrant such a reaction.

Tried to build a family (and a whole neighbourhood) out of wafflebots.

Has heard of Espresso Cookie and looks up to him a lot, but secretly.

Is often afraid deep down of being overpowered or killed when battling others.

Tea Knight Cookie:

Is close friends with Eclair Cookie. Their friendship started out with Eclair following him around, and Tea Knight Cookie begrudgingly letting him do so.

Tiger Lily Cookie:

Wants to talk to Princess Cookie for real, but is too scared of the potential danger in being found.

Has a really high EQ.

Ended up in the jungle because one of the royals wanted Princess Cookie to be the sole inheritor of the throne, and attempted to get Tiger Lily Cookie killed.

Twizzly Gummy Cookie:

Licorice Cookie’s sister in another dimension.

Constantly understimulated.

On days where her energy level is a bit lower, she practices playing electric guitar and singing. Sometimes she performs as well.

Has performed together with Mala Sauce Cookie in her own dimension.

Travels between her own dimension and ‘our’ dimension regularly when she isn’t adventuring. 

After being defeated by Mala Sauce countless times, the two have become frenemies and Twizzly Gummy has started hanging out with her (and other cookies in the same dimension).

Vampire Cookie:

Is not doing well mentally.

Used to live in fear of the police due to his diet, before his sister made her discovery about wine.

Perpetually anxious, low on energy and motivation. After discovering wine could be used as a substitute for jam, he’s been using alchohol as an unhealthy coping mechanism.

Worries that others won’t like him when he’s sober.

Thinks Herb Cookie is cute, but is certain he doesn’t have a shot.

Werewolf Cookie:

Can sense others’ intentions practically as soon as he meets them. Always checks and verifies new people in the background so that his friend group doesn’t fall for any tricks.

Is extremely protective of his close friends, Kumiho Cookie, Tiger Lily Cookie and Vampire Cookie.

Bickers with Vampire Cookie a lot, but in a friendly way.

Has more recently started becoming friends with more cookies (’The Best Spring Picnic Ever’ Event). Specifically Cherry Blossom Cookie, Custard Cookie III, Parfait Cookie and Rye Cookie. Seeing how they accepted him, he’s gained just a speck of hope that he won’t be ostracised for being a werewolf. He’s still worried that he’ll transform and hurt them, though.

Got a tiny crush on Cherry Blossom after she saw through him, included him and stood up for him. Enjoys her company, as much as he tells himself he doesn’t. 

White Lily Cookie:

Wants to apologise to Pure Vanilla Cookie (primarily, but also their other friends and everyone else as well). Can’t because shes buried deep in Dark Enchantress’ mind.

Her dough contains a toxin from white lilies (madonna lilies, lilies of the valley).

One of her motivations for going through with her research/experiments, aside from curiousity, was that she wanted to be loved by everyone just like Pure Vanilla. 

Was extremely lonely, even in her glory days. Her only friends were Pure Vanilla and his friend circle. This gave her a lot of time to study and experiment.

Does still exist, just as a part of Dark Enchantress. She doesn’t know how to gain control or reach out, though. She’s glad her echo could move freely for a bit, at least.

Wizard Cookie:

Is very happy to be in Gingerbrave’s friend group.

Has almost figured out the secret behind Dark Enchantress.

Looks up to White Lily.

Was pretty lonely before he met the Gingerbrave gang.

Having used to be lonely and a bit timid, he gets along well with Strawberry Cookie.

[thegirlonpeetamellark]

Christmas Break - Part 1

Surprise!! After a looong time away Court returns to Everlark fic world with a little holiday treat for everyone  - enjoy! :)

Hi everyone. So 2020 has sucked. For me, the beginning of quarantine was actually a bit of a gift. Being home gave me the gift of time, something I haven’t had much of as my daughters (who were very little when I started writing in this fandom) have gotten older. While I never stopped writing, it was a struggle to find long enough chunks of time to get into a flow. I started writing again with earnest. Not all of it was my fanfiction; some of it was my original work. El keeps me posted on the humbling and kind asks she gets about my writing. I felt bad that despite my increased writing, I still wasn’t ready to update any WIPs. But I did remember a story I had started for the final holiday PiP that I was never able to get past the first page (due to lack of time that year) and to my surprise, it started flowing. I had every intention of finishing it and having El post it as a gift to this fandom. But once my school went “back” in October and hybrid learning started, that was it. My time was gone. And further, my family experienced the very sudden and non-Covid-related death of my aunt. So while I have nearly half of this story written, it’s not done. But it will be, very soon, since it is a one-shot. As with all my stories, it took on a life of its own and it needs more love. So what I have for the readers who have loyally followed me is the first part, the part that involves Christmas. It’s my hope to have a second part posted in a week or two, so that by the time that part posts, a final part is nearly done. 

Thank you for your asks and your patience, and thank you to El, one of my favorite people in this world and the best thing my time in this fandom has given me. Thank you for your encouragement. Our friendship means the world to me. 

Here’s to a better 2021. Love to you all. Court

Christmas Break

Fuck, not again, Peeta grouses as the opening notes of that insidious Mariah Carey song pipe through the loudspeaker. That’s the third time in the last two hours. He’s all for holiday spirit, but if he never hears this fucking song again it will be too soon.

Leaning his forehead against the cold pane of glass, he peers out of the fourth-story window into the darkened sky. When he had arrived at work a few hours ago, the snow had just been starting to fall; a slow, lazy tumble of flakes. Now it’s coming down in a tumultuous swirl. It figures Panem would finally see a white Christmas his first Christmas Eve on rotation in the emergency room. No doubt the weather is partially to blame for the crush of bodies crowding the waiting room tonight. 

Peeta walks away from the window and opens the cabinet where he stashes his Clif bars. The economy-sized box looks suspiciously closer to empty than it did the other day. He’s heard complaints from other doctors and nurses that snacks are pilfered on a regular basis and was warned to label his own boxes. But he had forgone the warnings. If someone needed an energy bar badly enough to steal one, what was the $20 he had spent on them at Costco. He snags one and unwraps it. 

He’s just raised it to his mouth when his Apple watch pings and his silenced cell phone pulses insistently against his thigh. Heaving a loud sigh, he sets down the energy bar and withdraws the phone from his pocket. 

“Mom, you’ve got exactly 60 seconds,” he grits out. He doesn’t even need to look at the screen to confirm it’s her. She’s called twice already tonight, calls he’s ignored with good reason, but somehow his mother thinks a phone call from her trumps any actual emergencies her doctor son could be dealing with. Which, tonight, have been nonstop since his shift began at six. 

“Please tell me you ate something,” she begins. 

“I was just about to, when you called,” he replies. “I’ve only got a couple of minutes. It’s been utter chaos for the last four hours.” 

“We missed you at dinner. I can’t remember the last Christmas Eve when I didn’t have all three of my boys together.” Peeta closes his eyes. All these years my mother has been gushing about having a doctor in the family, and yet she never stopped to consider the ramifications of actually having a doctor in the family, he thinks. Particularly its impact on holiday gatherings. She obviously hadn’t learned anything from this past Thanksgiving, as now, just a month later, she’s already dumping a fresh guilt trip on him for missing another family dinner.

She continues, “And Jackson and Maxwell were just devastated when they heard you weren’t coming, until I assured them they’d see you tomorrow. We will see you tomorrow, yes?” 

Peeta suppresses another exasperated sigh and breaks off a chunk of the Clif bar. “Yes, Mom, I’ll be there.” And though it’s childish, he crams the bar into his mouth and mumbles around it, “I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” His chewing masks the sarcasm that weighs down the words. 

“Excellent. We need an updated family portrait before Everly and Rye have to leave for her parents’ house.” Placated, his mother moves to ends the call, but not before getting in a less-than-subtle comment about how much she adores his brother Rye’s fiancée and how happy she is Rye is settling down. 

Staring at the disconnected call flashing on the screen, Peeta tries not to let the remark get to him. Mostly because he knows it’s a lie. His mother has complained more than once about Everly and how she’s not good enough for Rye. Peeta knows the dig was directed at him. He hasn’t truly had a serious girlfriend since junior year of college; just a few casual relationships that barely qualified as relationships. He doesn’t know how his mother expects him to meet someone with the hours he keeps. And his father, for as close as they are, never seems willing to jump to Peeta’s defense. 

Taking a deep breath to let his irritation suffuse, he jams his phone back in his pocket and scarfs down the rest of his pathetic dinner. All three bites of it. Then he uses the restroom, dutifully washes his hand, and stalks out of the staff lounge, his short break over.

As he strides up the corridor, he hears loud shouting coming from the ER waiting room. 

“…should be asleep in her bed, waiting for Santa Claus to come, but instead, we’re still here waiting for someone to take a look at her arm! It’s been over two hours! Don’t you people have any compassion? Or is Ebenezer Freaking Scrooge running this place tonight?”

Curious, Peeta veers towards the reception desk, where his eyes land on the ranting woman. She’s young, probably no older than her mid-twenties, and in spite of the fact that her dark hair is spilling out of a messy braid and she’s not wearing any makeup, Peeta is immediately struck by her beauty. The rosy flush to her cheeks from her tirade actually makes her even prettier. She’s cradling a toddler and protectively shielding the little girl’s right arm. The toddler’s blonde head rests on her mother’s shoulder, her thumb wedged into her tiny pink mouth. Her left arm clutches a stuffed orange cat. She looks tired. Actually, both mother and daughter do. 

“Miss, I understand your frustration, I really do,” the receptionist says calmly, her eyes cutting to Peeta as he stops by her side. He reads the name on the file on top of the stack, the next patient scheduled to be seen: MCMURPHY, JOSEPH. Clearly not the little girl in front of him. 

“I don’t think you do!” the young mother cries, her eyes flashing steel. “She’s three, she’s in pain, and she’s scared. And what’s more, I’ve seen at least five people go ahead of us who came in after us!” 

“That’s not how the emergency room works, miss,” the receptionist replies. She drums her fingertips on the desk, offering the young mother a tight smile. 

“It’s Christmas Eve,” the young mother adds, an edge of desperation creeping into her tone. Discreetly, Peeta moves around the receptionist’s chair, scanning the desktop until he spies the stack of files for the patients awaiting admission. While the receptionist continues to give the young mother the run-around, he thumbs through the stack, searching. His eyes land on what he’s looking for: a date of birth. His lips tip up. Bingo. This has to be it: HAWTHORNE, IVY ANN. 

At the exact second his hand snatches Ivy’s file from the pile and slips the other one in amongst the stack, the young mother’s eyes lock on his. Her gaze narrows. He can see the exhaustion all over her beautiful face. Her full lips twitch, her countenance suspicious as they stare at one another. 

“Ivy Hawthorne?” Peeta taps the file he had extricated. An immediate flicker of relief lights the young mother’s mercury eyes, and that lush mouth breaks into a grateful, relieved smile. The receptionist’s neck snaps up. “I’ve got this,” he adds, his tone leaving no room for her to argue with him. It’s not protocol for Peeta to take a patient directly, but it’s also not blatantly against the rules. Sure, it might mean a little more work for him, but if it means he can get this little girl home sooner on Christmas Eve, it’s worth it.

He smiles at the little girl. “Ivy, I’m Doctor Mellark. I’m going to help make you feel better, okay?” She nods once but doesn’t lift her head from her mother’s shoulder. Peeta’s arm sweeps to the side, ushering the young mother and Ivy past the desk. He scans the hallway and spies a partially drawn curtain halfway up the corridor. He leads them to the available partition and close the curtain behind them. As he turns to face them, he nearly slams into the woman. She hasn’t moved, and her luminous grey eyes fasten to his. She looks as if she’s going to say something, but several seconds pass and she’s still quiet, still watching him. The silence starts to become uncomfortable. Peeta clears his throat.  

“If you’d have a seat, please, Mrs. Hawthorne. You can hold her while I get some more information from you.” 

The young woman’s lips part slightly, again appearing as if she wants to say something, but instead she shuffles forward and Peeta waits while she settles on the edge of the hospital bed, gingerly adjusting Ivy so she’s sitting sideways across her mother’s lap. 

Peeta sinks down onto the stool and scoots towards the edge of the bed. This close he has a much better look at Ivy’s mother. She really is a beautiful young woman, and given how adorable Ivy is Peeta assumes her husband is probably also very attractive. He feels a twinge of jealousy. Lucky bastard. Pretty wife, cute kid…probably has a nice little house and a golden retriever too. Living the dream. His dream, if he allows himself to admit it to anyone but his mother. If he was being perfectly honest, he had always envisioned himself married by now. 

“How old are you, Ivy?” he ask, even though he knows from her chart and her mother’s declaration that she’s three years old. She hesitates, and still clutching the stuffed cat, manages to display three fingers. Peeta smiles at her again.

“I have a nephew who is the exact same age as you are. He told me just last week that he’s a big boy now. Are you a big girl, Ivy?” He keeps his tone gentle, hoping it will put her at ease with him. She nods, her big blue eyes lightening imperceptibly. “I thought so. Can you be a big girl and tell me what happened to your arm?” 

Her mother answers automatically, “She fell. I was only gone—” Peeta holds up his palm. He has the triage nurse’s initial assessment, so he knows Ivy’s arm is likely broken. What he doesn’t know is how the arm got broken. And those details he needs to try to get from Ivy herself. Kids her age always tell the truth when it comes to how they were injured, and unfortunately it’s part of Peeta’s job to make sure there isn’t a more sinister reason she’s in the E.R. tonight, no matter how sweet and innocent her mother appears. He’s already had a few encounters with suspected child abuse, though his gut tells him that isn’t the case with Ivy Hawthorne.

“Please. I would like Ivy to tell me how it happened.” 

Something dangerous flints in Ivy’s mother’s now stormy grey eyes.

“She. Fell.” The words are curt, enunciated coolly, but her voice is soft and Peeta can tell she’s keeping her temper in check for the benefit of her daughter. Eyes still pinned to his, she inhales deeply. A second later, her shoulders relax. “Go ahead and tell the nice doctor how you hurt your arm,” she whispers, stroking Ivy’s curls. 

“I was trying to see Santa,” Ivy replies, her tongue tripping in a lisp on the “S’s.” 

“What do you mean by that?” he prompts her. 

Ivy scrunches up her button nose. “I was trying to see up the chimney. ‘Cause the chimney at Aunt Katniss’s house is so skinny and Santa Claus is real fat and I don’t know how he’s gonna fit down it to bring me my presents!” Her blue eyes brim with tears and her lower lip starts to tremble. Peeta reaches over and pats her knee. 

“I wouldn’t worry about that, sweetheart. Santa Claus is magic. He’ll get you your presents, no matter what the chimney looks like.” He exchanges a look with her mother. 

“It was all my fault,” she says quietly. “I went in the kitchen, to get the cookies and milk—”

“And the carrots! For Rudolph and the other reindeer!” Ivy chimes in, her eyes shiny wet. 

“I never should have left her alone, not even for a second. This is my fault. It’s my fault. She wouldn’t have slipped and fallen off the hearth if I had been watching her.” Guilt chokes her words, and it sounds as if she’s close to tears. 

“Accidents happen, Mrs. Hawthorne,” Peeta says empathetically, “that’s why there are emergency rooms.” She presses her lips together, her brows knitting.  

“It’s Everdeen,” she says quietly. Peeta drops his eyes to Ivy’s chart, and furrows his brows, his gaze wandering to the young woman’s left hand. No ring. A brief thrill curls through him at the thought that she’s single. Asshole, he immediately chides himself. So not what you should be thinking about right now. He scans the chart more carefully and shakes his head.

“I’m sorry,” he begins, “but this lists Primrose Hawthorne as the mother, under the Parent/Guardian information, and a Rory Hawthorne as the father. I just assumed—”

She cuts him off. “Primrose Hawthorne was her mother. But I’m not Primrose Hawthorne. I’m Katniss. Katniss Everdeen. I’m her aunt. I should be listed as her primary emergency contact.” She swallows and squeezes her eyes shut briefly. When she opens them, they plead with his. Peeta glances down at Ivy, and then raises his eyes to Katniss again. The guilt that was clouding those silver irises a moment ago has dissipated, replaced with anguish. He doesn’t know what the full story is here, but he didn’t miss Katniss’s usage of the past tense in referring to Ivy’s mother. So he honors her silent appeal not to ask questions.

“Okay, Ivy, you fell, and you landed on your arm? I bet that hurt,” Peeta says to the little girl, but his gaze stays fastens on Katniss. She gives him the faintest smile and mouths, “Thank you.”

~*~*~*~

An hour later, the orthopedist informs Peeta that Ivy Hawthorne is ready for his approval to be discharged. Not wanting to keep her and her aunt waiting any later than necessary, he sets down the X-ray he had been studying, and heads back to where Ivy is. 

Standing outside the curtain, he hears quiet singing. He draws back the curtain and sees Katniss seated on the bed, with Ivy nestled in her lap. A bright pink cast safely cocoons the girl’s arm. Her blonde head rests on Katniss’s shoulder. Her eyes are closed, and her little body rises and falls with the deep breathing of sleep. 

Katniss continues to sing, unaware of Peeta’s presence. He doesn’t recognize the tune she’s singing. It’s not a Christmas carol, at least not one he’s ever heard before, but he continues to listen, captivated by her voice. It’s soft and decidedly feminine, but there’s raspy undercurrent to it that gives him chills. It’s like the first sip of a rich, smoky bourbon.

Gingerly, he tiptoes towards the bed and stands before her for several more minutes, until Katniss finally lifts her eyes. She immediately stops singing. Peeta smiles and nods towards Ivy.

“Someone is worn out,” he whispers. Katniss’s lips twitch into a chagrinned smile. 

“I’m sure the second we get home she’ll be wide awake and it’ll take forever to get her into bed. She was already amped up about Santa Claus before this.” She tips her head and gestures with her chin towards Ivy’s arm. 

“Warm milk. With a little bit of cinnamon,” he suggests. 

“Really?” Her eyes round. “Cinnamon? That really works?” Disbelief clouds her words. He shrugs sheepishly.

“I have no idea. No kids. And I’ve never had much trouble sleeping. I’m usually asleep the minute my head hits the pillow. But I’ve heard from a friend with a toddler that it does the trick.” He waits for her to say something—anything—in response, but she doesn’t. Her gaze is back on the sleeping toddler in her arms. 

Watching her stare tenderly at her niece causes something unexpected to claw at Peeta’s chest and he’s overwhelmed by a fierce compulsion to want to keep her here, to get to know more about her. It’s been a long time since he felt this kind of instant attraction to a woman. Why couldn’t he have met her under different circumstances? 

“Are we all done, doctor?” 

Peeta startles from his thoughts and offers Katniss an apologetic smile.

“Yes, sorry. You are good to go as soon as you sign here—” He holds the clipboard at an angle, to allow her to sign without having to disturb Ivy, “and here.” He flips the sheet back to the second page and she scrawls her name across the line there, too. Normally a nurse would go over discharge papers and protocol with patients, but Peeta had taken it upon himself to grab Ivy’s. He needed to spend every possible minute in Katniss’s presence. 

Once the release forms are complete, he review the plan for Ivy’s follow-up care, including how to manage any pain she has and when she’ll need to return to have the cast removed. Katniss listens attentively. 

When he’s finished, she stands up slowly, her movements tentative so as not to jostle Ivy. A sigh parts the little girl’s lips and she stirs, but she remains asleep. God, she’s cute, Peeta thinks. 

“Thank you, Dr. Mellark,” Katniss says softly. “For everything. I know what you did…” She falters. “I mean, I know we, ah, weren’t next, and ah…” Peeta waves a hand dismissively, sensing her discomfort with his hijacking of the queued patients.  

“It was my pleasure,” he replies. “Little girls should be home on Christmas Eve. Waiting for Santa.” He echoes Katniss’s earlier words. “I hope he’s good to her.” 

He doesn’t miss the forlorn expression that flits across Katniss’s face as she glances down at her sleeping niece. 

“He can’t bring her what she wants most, but he’ll try,” she murmurs and moves towards the open curtain. Just before she steps out into the hall, she pauses and turns to face Peeta.

“Merry Christmas,” she adds.  

“Merry Christmas,” he concurs. With a faint smile, she steps around the curtain. It rustles in her wake and resettles. Peeta exhales and slumps against the wall, regret washing through him, followed by a stronger wave of sadness at seeing Katniss go. If it hadn’t been for Ivy, he might have concocted some kind of delay to keep Katniss here longer, found some excuse to pry more information out of her. Like if she’s single. A surge of adrenaline spikes in his blood. He can’t let her go this easily.

He bolts out into the corridor, scanning the bustling hallway for any sign of Katniss and Ivy, but they’ve vanished. Disappointed, his shoulders slump as he trudges towards the nurses’ station to hand off Ivy’s file. 

It’s probably best, a nagging little voice inside him taunts, and he reluctantly concedes that it probably is. As much as he’d love to finally shut his mother up and find a woman that he’d want to spend more than a night with, it’s not fair to subject one to the kind of schedule he has to keep. New doctors are low-man-on-the-totem-pole. He’s had mostly graveyard shifts and he’s often on call. It’s his dream to have a pediatric practice, but he’s well aware that he’ll have to toil for a couple of years to get on track to make that dream a reality. 

A few minutes later, en route to his next examination, Peeta spies Johanna, one of the triage nurses, coming out of the room Ivy had occupied. His eyes immediately narrow when his gaze lands on her left arm.

“Was that in there?” He motions towards the vacated room and then nods towards the stuffed cat Johanna has wedged under her armpit. 

“What, the cat? Yeah. It must have fallen under the bed. I’ll take it to the station, in case someone comes back to claim it.” 

Ivy’s cherubic little face flashes in Peeta’s mind. He remember how fiercely she had been clutching that cat, and how she had reluctantly agreed to put it down when it had been time for Delly, another one of the triage nurses, to take her for X-rays. 

Peeta’s pulse quickens and he immediately thrusts his hand towards Johanna. “I’ll take it,” he says impulsively. She wrinkles her nose and cocks her head, her hazel eyes intensely scrutinizing him. Though they have a casual friendship, Johanna is far too insightful for her own good. Peeta doesn’t really need her questioning his motives for taking possession of the toy. 

“The little girl it belongs to goes to preschool with Max. I’ll make sure he takes it to her after the holiday break.” Fuck, that lie flew off his tongue so easily he almost believes it himself. Johanna shrugs and tosses Peeta the cat. 

“Suit yourself. One less thing to overflow the Lost and Found.” She strides past him and disappears into Triage 6. He stares down at the stuffed animal. His heart skips another beat and a slow smile tugs at his mouth. 

~*~*~*~

Stifling another yawn, Peeta squints at the numbers above the garage. He’s definitely in the right place. He kills the engine and sits for a moment, glancing at the clock on the navigation system. It’s quarter after nine. Early, but not obscenely so. When his shift had ended at six am, he had driven home and fought the urge to crawl into bed; instead, he grabbed a quick shower and freshened up. True, part of him hadn’t wanted to see Katniss Everdeen again looking like the bedraggled, exhausted mess he was at the end of a rotation, and also true, he was going to have to clean up before he’s due at his parents’ house at one. But he also knew he couldn’t really have shown up at Katniss’s house at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning, even if he suspects Ivy likely had her up by then. He recalls, with a wistful smile, that Christmas morning was the one morning he and his brothers were always awake before his father. It was only a question of which Mellark brother was going to be the first to rouse the others. Him being the youngest, it was usually him, he admits with a wider grin.

He quietly exits his car, careful not to slam the door, and gingerly steps across the icy driveway. He pauses at the un-shoveled front walk, where a pristine blanket of snow blocks his path. “Shit,” he whispers, gritting his teeth as he takes the first step. His foot plunges into the deep drift, up to nearly his calf. He braces himself and takes a huge step, hoping to eat up the distance in a few long strides. Fortunately, it’s not a long front walk. He reaches the also un-shoveled front steps and carefully ascends them. He contemplates ringing the doorbell, but instead raps his knuckles against the door. His breath pipes out in white plumes and he rubs his palms together for warmth as he waits. 

No one comes to the door, at least not immediately. Peeta lifts his fist again, but just before his knuckles can connect with the wood again, the front door opens a crack and he’s suddenly looking at Katniss. Those silver eyes round almost comically as recognition lights them. 

“D-Doctor Mellark? Wh-what are you….”  

“Hi. Merry Christmas,” he begins. “I thought Ivy would be missing this.” He smiles and holds up the stuffed cat. 

Katniss stares at him, her lips parting faintly, and shock and confusion war on her pretty face. But then her grey eyes darken with what Peeta can only describe as restrained fury. 

She opens the door fully and glares at him.  

“You had Ivy’s cat?” she accuses. 

“Uh…yeah…” he stammers, his own confusion welling. Why is she so angry? “My nephew…he has a bear. Otis. Can’t sleep without that thing. I thought if Ivy is anything like Max…well, she’d be missing this.” He holds the cat out to Katniss. She snatches it so violently that she stumbles backwards. Peeta is equally jarred, but his jolt is from the very brief brush of Katniss’s fingers against his when she had grabbed the toy. 

But Katniss gives him no time to revel in the feeling.

“So this is why no one at the hospital had a goddamned clue what I was talking about when I called there looking for this cat an hour ago!” she spits. 

Shit, Peeta thinks, an uneasy feeling clawing its way into his gut. 

“Why the fuck—” He can’t help but notice her slight hesitation before she lobs the obscenity at him. “—would you take my niece’s cat? Is this something normal people do?” She’s shivering visibly as she rants, a clear consequence of stepping onto her front porch wearing nothing but green plaid pajama pants and a threadbare black Henley shirt.

“I….I…” He shakes his head. He’s not even sure how to defend his actions. He can’t very well tell her his ulterior motives in bringing the stuffed cat back to her niece. Not now. He definitely fucked this up.

“I was just trying to be nice. That I’d save you a trip on Christmas morning,” he finishes lamely. 

Katniss’s nostrils flare and her jaw flexes. “Christmas morning,” she mutters, just barely audible over the clattering of her teeth. “Did it occur to you, Dr. Mellark, that I might be looking for Ivy’s cat and I might call the hospital looking for this cat?” She shakes the toy in his face. “And did it occur to you that, in spite of all the toys she had just opened, Ivy might be bawling and throwing a fit because Buttercup was missing?”

Buttercup, he has to assume, is the stuffed cat.

She pauses, as if waiting for him to defend himself, but all he can do is swallow against the lump crowding his throat.

So she continues, “They made me think I was crazy—but not until after they left me on hold for 20 minutes while I tried to calm a wailing toddler. And then they said there was no toy matching this description in the Lost and Found. And that’s because you had it!” Her eyes are a maelstrom now, but he notices that an edge of frustration has crept into her furious tone. 

“And now Ivy doesn’t have it. So thank you. Thank you very much, Dr. Mellark. Merry Christmas.” And before Peeta can release the breath he’s been holding during her outburst and plead his case, she whirls around, her disheveled braid lancing through the air like a whip, and slams the door behind her. Stunned, Peeta can only stare at the wreath on the door as he processes what just happened.  

What. The. Fuck. 

Heart pounding, gut churning, Peeta retreats to his car. He takes a few minutes to absorb the shock of his encounter with Katniss, his mind reeling through the accusations she made. He never would have expected her to react like this. So much for any shot with Katniss Everdeen. 

He finally gathers his composure and navigates out of her complex. As he drives, his mind continues replaying Katniss’s words over and over, and he finds one thing nags at him. 

And now Ivy doesn’t have it.

Those words don’t make much sense to him. He just gave the stuffed animal back to Katniss. She can give it back to Ivy. She’ll have it now. In her wrath, Katniss just wasn’t being rational, he decides. 

But her words continue to haunt him off and on for the rest of the day. Along with persistent images of Katniss that further torment him. She is never far from his conscious thoughts. As he sits down next to the fireplace in his parents’ house with a tumbler of scotch to exchange gifts with his brothers and his nephews, he finds himself wondering who Katniss is celebrating with. Ivy, obviously. But does she have other family? 

By the time the Mellarks all settle around the table for dinner, he’s conjured up the notion that Katniss may not be married, but she surely has a devoted boyfriend who is showering her with gifts at this very moment. Her mood is infinitely better than what Peeta witnessed earlier. She’s probably dressed nice for him, and he’s sitting around her dining room table with Katniss and Ivy, like a makeshift family.

His mother’s irritation is palpable when she has to command his attention twice to try and draw him into the discussion centered on Rye’s upcoming wedding. Peeta murmurs the apology he knows she expects and feigns his dutiful brotherly interest for Rye’s benefit the remainder of the meal. But a dull ache has taken up residence in the center of his chest and he realizes just how badly he wants what his brothers have. 

He just won’t be having it with Katniss Everdeen.

[geekymoviemom]

Hi and I am back!

I started reading Ellipses a few months ago but the angst and all the Peeta-chasing going on and the potential death threats to Peeta was too much for me and I stopped reading when Plutarch and Effie were waiting for the storm to subside to get to him. 😶😶

Today, I decided to read it again (I had forgotten I had read it and then saw the familiar storyline so I skipped to their cave time) I read it all, all the heart-breaking, gut-wrenchingly agonizing moments, all the complications arising that forced Everlark to stay away from the other, self-sacrificing and scared Peeta and all. I cried when Katniss found him burning with fever and no one knew how to save him, I full on ugly sobbed when Katniss was so close to giving birth and still not in the hospital. It hurt that she was having to be carried and protected while Wren was crowning already and it was so so so sweet and hope-instilling when Wren's umbilical cord, the connection she had with her mother before birth was used to (in a way) revive her father and uncle. It was like a new ray of hope, it felt like a symbol of rebirth and new beginnings because as soon as she was born and we found that Coin and Carter were taken in custody, it was all rays of sunshine. 🤩🤩

I loved Rye, even though he tried to kill Everlark under influence, he was a great guy who tried desperately to protect his baby brother. 🥺🥺

I honestly expected better from underestimated, stuttering, nervous Carter but I guess I was wrong. The best part was where he wonders how one petite girl can destroy the Ellipses program and put the entire country in disarray. It was hilarious!! 😂😂

I am glad Mr Everdeen was alive and so damn happy Rye and Prim fell in love with each other. 🙃🙃

It melted my heart to see parents!Everlark, so damn adoring and cuddly and cute and it was so sweet for baby Wren to be adored and showered in gifts from so many people. 💗💗💕💕

I also love Finnick, Boggs, Cinna and Haymitch in this. They were very supportive, caring and loyal friends till the end and Cinna sending a full suitcase of painting equipment for Peeta was terribly endearing while Finnick and Annie's promise to keep an eye on Prim and help her made me gush. 😍😍

I also loved that Katniss was much more protective of Prim and her growing love-life than their actual parents combined. 😏😏

This was such a wonderful journey and I love how it came full circle at the old apple tree where Everlark's story actually began. 🟠🟢

It was sad to see people like Rue, Portia, Boggs, Lyme and others die but the thought that they died for a good cause was a little reassuring. 😰😰

You're a very talented writer and I love your amazing yet unique ideas. I love how you tackle your ideas and make them into such amazing longfics and I cant deny how much I adore the romance and smut haha

I am looking forward to reading more Everlark from you and with this review, Ellipses is officially taken off my 'Marked for Later' list. 🤗🤗😊😊🥰🥰

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for sharing your amazing work and edits...you truly inspire me 😘😍

Oh wow…

I’m seriously speechless ♥️ ♥️ ♥️

Ellipses is one of my absolute favourite stories that I’ve ever written, and to be honest, when it was done, I felt a sort of petulance that it didn’t seem to be as popular as other fics at the time. It was my own issue, but it was enough that I felt compelled to stop writing Everlark for a long time. I poured my heart and soul into Ellipses, and seeing such an incredibly detailed comment like this three years after I wrote it, well… I’ve pretty much been in tears all morning ♥️

Thank you so much for this wonderful series of comments. You touched on every single aspect of the story that I love about it myself, and I’m so glad that you enjoyed reading it! Thank you so much! 💗 💗 💗

[hercleverboy]

dinner dates and twilight books

spencer reid x reader 

summary ↠ spencer finally confides in the reader about what happened to maeve.

category ↠ angst/fluff

warnings/includes ↠ a small argument.

word count ↠ 2.3k

“some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. from what I’ve tasted of desire, I hold with those who favour fire, but if it had to perish twice. I think I know enough of hate to say that for destruction ice, is also great. and would suffice.” — Robert Frost

Y/N looked around her as she stepped over the threshold of Spencer’s apartment. It looked how she imagined it would, brown and green colour scale and books piled high everywhere she looked. Though it was obvious he had cleaned for her, evident by the faint scent of bleach she could smell, but she didn’t let it bother her, she thought it was sweet. 

The two had been dating for 2 months now, and were yet to become an official couple. Though they’d been on as many coffee and movie dates as his job would allow with his limited free time. The prospect of their new relationship excited Y/N. She really hadn’t felt this way about someone in a long time. Spencer felt the same, so when it looked as though he was finally going to get a weekend that was uninterrupted by a case from work, he invited Y/N over for a home-cooked dinner date. 

Of course, only after he’d asked her did Spencer remember he was utterly useless at cooking, thus enlisting help from Rossi, memorising recipes of Y/N’s favourite foods. 

The door shut gently behind Spencer as he offered to take Y/N’s coat like the gentleman he was, and she handed it to him with a grateful smile and a small “Thanks.” 

“Uh, so, make yourself at home. I’ll just be in the kitchen. Can I get you a drink?�� He asked, trying desperately not to show his very obvious nerves. 

“I’m alright for now, thankyou.” She smiled, and Spencer returned the gesture, before scattering off to his small kitchen to begin cooking the food he’d prepared earlier before she could notice the blush on his flustered face. 

She turned her attention back to her surroundings, and found herself walking over to his bookshelf. It went from floor to ceiling, completeley covering one of his walls, each shelf absoloutley packed with different novels. She noted the piles of books that sat next to the shelves, and giggled a little. He’d literally run out of room for his books, he had that many. 

She folded her arms in front her as she smiled at the collections. She wasn’t a massive reader, but she had read some of the classic novels she saw on his shelves. She was more so just intrigued by the vast collection he owned.

“So, just how many books do you have?” She spoke a little louder so he’d hear her from the kitchen.

“1,274.” He called back. She should’ve been surprised by his precise answer, but then again she’d come to realise that he always gave answers like that. It was one of the things she liked so much about him. Her fingertips delicately grazed the spines of some of the novels she recognised. The Merchant of Venice, Catcher in the Rye, even an original copy of Alice in Wonderland, and then of course, the Magic of Quantum Physics. Obviously.  

Spencer left the kitchen to join her, smiling as he watched her gaze in awe of his collection.

“and you’ve read all of these?” She asked, her voice showcasing her amazement. 

“Yeah, I guess I have.” He laughed at how shocked she seemed. He noted how her nose crinkled slightly and her head tilted as she read the the different titles, smiling that perfect smile when she saw one she recognised. He really liked this girl. There was something about her, something he hadn’t felt for anyone in years. Spencer already knew he wanted to keep her around for as long as he could. 

“Do you read much?” He asked, genuinely curious. 

“Sometimes, I really prefer works of fiction more than anything else, but-” She gasped, stopping herself mid-sentence. “No way.” 

“What is it ?”

“You, Doctor Spencer Reid, own a copy of Twilight?” She teased, but her smile was joyous.  

 He simply shrugged his shoulders and gave her a smile. “It came up when I was on a case a few years ago, and I guess I just wanted to know what all the fuss was about. I still don’t get it.”

“You’re kidding, right? The Twilight Saga is one of my favourites. I could talk about it forever.” She sighed happily. “The first book isn’t bad, but Eclipse is easily the best-” She reached out to take the book from the shelf, but the books were so tightly pushed together in the small space that when she pulled the book out, another fell from the shelf and hit the floor with a thud. 

She laughed, and bent down to pick it up. Before she could even touch it, Spencer swooped down and grabbed it first. “Don’t touch it.” He sneered at her, holding the white hardback book tightly in his grasp. She frowned. His tone of voice was a severe contrast to the kind, warm tone he used with her just moments before.

She brushed off his harshness and gave a small smile as she apologised.  “I’m sorry, I’m awfully clumsy at times-“

“Could you not be a bit more careful?” He snapped, in a tone she hadn’t heard him use before. He looked down at the book, seemingly checking it for any scrapes. The smile dropped from her lips and she stumbled on her words, shocked. 

“It’s- it’s just a book Spencer, I’m sorry.” Was he really that upset about a book? it wasn’t like she’d done it purposely. 

With the way he looked at her, you’d think she’d stabbed him or something. 

“Just a book? You wouldn’t understand. I know you said you were clumsy but really? What if you’d damaged it?” He was practically yelling now, and Y/N could feel the tears welling in her eyes. Where had the awkward and shy boy with the pretty smile gone?

She tried to blink the tears away but instead it made one fall down her cheek.

“I’m so sorry. Thankyou for having me but I think I should leave. Sorry, again.” She apologised profusely, grabbing her jacket from the coathanger and turning to leave.

“Wait- No Y/N, wait. Don’t go. I’m sorry I snapped.” His calm voice had returned, and he gently gripped her wrist to stop her from leaving. 

She turned back to face him, and forced a smile that contrasted the tears in her eyes. “Honestly it’s fine. It was my fault, I’m so clumsy and now I’ve upset you.  I’m really sorry.” She turned again. His grip on her tightened.

“No, Y/N. I’m sorry I called you clumsy. I didn’t mean it I just-.” He paused. “Can I at least explain myself? and then if you still want to go, you can.”

She turned to face him, giving him a small nod and allowing him to pull her to sit next to him on the sofa. She placed her bag and coat down by her feet, and gently pulled her hand from his, settling both her hands on her lap.  If he hadn’t just snapped at her, Spencer would’ve been hurt that she’d pulled away, but he deserved it. 

She prepared herself to listen. Spencer placed the book down on the table and looked down at his hands as he began to speak. 

“2 years ago, I had these awful headaches. I went to numerous doctors, none of themcould seem to find anything wrong with me. Finally, I got in contact with another doctor, and with her help the headaches started to fade. Her name was Maeve, she was a geneticist. We spoke on the phone every Sunday, first just about my headaches, but once they’d gone away, we just kept talking. Slowly it began to be something more.” He smiled, like he was fondly remembering.

“She wanted to meet in person but- but Maeve had this stalker. She didn’t know who he was, but he threatened her, made her scared to leave her apartment without a disguise.” Spencer continued, telling Y/N how they’d been supposed to meet for the first time at a resteraunt, but Spencer thought her stalker was there, and so told her not to come inside for her safety.

“After she was gone, the hostess came to me with a little gift bag, saying a woman had left it for me. It was from Maeve, and in the bag was this book.” He looked at the white hardback book on his little brown coffee table. “I’d actually bought the same one for her, funnily enough.” He gave a half-hearted chuckle. Y/N was beginning to understand, but could see Spencer wasn’t finished yet.

“One day I called her and when she answered, it wasn’t her on the end of the line. The person said one word, Zugzwang. ” Spencer’s words wobbled as he spoke. 

“It’s a chess term, right? It describes the point in the game where the player realises they will inevitably be checkmated.” Y/N spoke, and Spencer seemed surprised she understood, but nodded and continued with his story nontheless. 

“That’s how I knew something was wrong, that she was in danger. The team and I, we finally figured out where her stalker, who turned out to be a woman named Diane, was holding her. I got there, and it was the first time we saw one another in person. She looked so scared I-“ He choked on his words, tears brimming in his eyes. Y/N slowly reached out to take his hand, but just before she did she looked to him, as if asking permission. He nodded, and she took his hand in hers, squeezing tightly.

Spencer was grateful for her warmth and compassion.

He took a deep breath. “I tried to talk Diane down, but I failed and she-“ He stopped before forcing himself to continue. “She shot herself in the head, killing Maeve as well.” A single tear fell from his eye and his chest heaved with shaking breaths. Y/N hesitantly pulled him into her arms in a comforting hug, but he welcomed it, wrapping his arms around her. 

“Spencer I am so sorry.” She whispered. She couldn’t imagine a pain worse than losing the person you loved.

He shook his head, pulling back from her. “It’s not your fault, and it was years ago now.” He glanced at the coffee table, reaching over to take the book from it.

He opened it to the first page, and it didn’t take a genius for Y/N to guess that it was Maeve’s writing on the first page.

 “This was all I had left of her. In the weeks after she died, I clung to this book for dear life. Even slept with it cradled to my chest.” He laughed humourlessly, as if it was a silly thing to do.

He wiped his eyes, his breathing returning to somewhat a normal pace. “I’m sorry I shouted. I shouldn’t have raised my voice. None of what I just told you excuses me mistreating you like that.” He sighed. “I want you to know it’s okay if you’d like to end this- I mean, us - now, now you know what emotional baggage I come with.” 

Y/N was quick to shake her head, which surprised him.

“Don’t apologise. I completely understand, but Spencer if you’re not ready for a relationship, I’m happy to be your friend. You’re incredible, and I’d rather have you as a friend than not in my life at all.” She smiled sadly. She’s not sure if she believed the words leaving her mouth, she really could see herself falling in love with Spencer, but if he wasn’t ready, she would bury her feelings down and survive with just his friendship. He’d become too important to her for her to lose him from her life completely. 

He frowned. “No, no it’s not like that Y/N. I loved Maeve, but that was two years ago, and whilst the pain is still there it gets less and less everyday.” He tried to explain. “Since we started dating you’ve really helped with that. I want you in my life. Today, and for a long time after that, if that’s okay with you.” He paused. “That’s actually what this whole home cooked dinner date thing was about.” He laughed nervously. “I wanted- I want to ask you to be my girlfriend.”

 “Are you’re sure you’re ready to move on, Spencer?” She whispered, unsure. She didn’t want to force him into anything, and if he wasn’t over Maeve, she didn’t want to end up hurting herself.

 “I promise I am, it still hurts at times but I know she’d want me to. Y/N, Maeve was my past,  but I think you might be my future.” He smiled.

That was all the reassurance she needed. She beamed back at him. “Then yes. I’d love to be your girlfriend.” He wrapped his arms around her and pressed his lips to hers in a short but loving kiss. However, they were interrupted by Spencer’s fire alarms going off. Spencer jumped up at the sound. 

“Oh shit, the food!” He scampered off to the kitchen, leaving a giggling Y/N on the couch.

Sure, Spencer had some emotional baggage, and the relationship wasn’t always going to be easy, but with her love and affection, Spencer’s heart would eventually heal. They would be okay. 

The pair enjoyed a slightly burned but still nice dinner before they retreated to his couch, and cuddled next to one another, talking and laughing about nothing in particular. As their conversation died down, a frown settled on her face, and Spencer frowned back, his thumb tracing along her cheek. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked quietly. 

“I was just thinking, now you’ve read Twilight, I have to ask you a very important question.” She smiled, and Spencer raised his eyebrows in confusion and a bit of worry. “Are you team Edward or Jacob?”

Spencer laughed, any worry he held leaving him instantly, before delving into a ramble on how Jacob was so obviously better for Bella than Edward, which Y/N wholehartedly disagreed with. They laughed together as they continued their playful disagreement. 

Yeah, they were going to be just fine. 

[jenna-ortega]

I Never Promised (Duncan Shepherd x Reader)

Summary: Chance after chance, and Duncan has finally let you know the real reality behind your dynamic. 

Word Count: 1k

A/N: hey guys, its me, i just really needed to write this. it’s short, but i needed it for me, i hope it does something for you guys too. love u and miss u

“You know I’m gonna marry you right?”-- you giggled back to Duncan over the phone, blush creeping on your cheeks with every sugar coated word slipping past his lips into his iPhone to you. 

“Y/N Shepherd..I like that ring to it.” you agreed, letting your guard down for the umpteenth time. Selfishly letting yourself feel something, anything at all. The way he made you feel, like nobody else did. The way he could worm back into your heart every time you’d lose touch. Was is that bad to let yourself feel temporary happiness, finally believing things would be different?

“I love you, y/n.” You hated yourself for believing him. Why do you keep doing that? you hadn’t seen him in person since you were teenagers. He’s moved on with his life, but you haven’t. Trying to find his eyes in every guy you met. Trying to hear his voice, trying to feel his touch, trying to imagine his voice. You’d never escape him. 

You keep writing these sequels in your head to you “friendship”, trying to find a different outcome. Trying to figure out how to stop the inevitable. Will you ever love again, and is this really the love you deserve? 

He’s been with Victoria for 4 years now, before that Melissa. Before that, someone who wasn’t you. Why do you think this will be different? 

Why do you let myself feel this knowing its not real. And when will you ever feel whole again without him? 

“I wanna talk about something you said last night while you were drunk, is that okay?” his voice shaky over the phone as your heart dropped. Wondering exactly what you had finally said--

“Of course...” you whisper through half closed lips

Hearing him breathing slightly heavier than before--

“What did you mean we’d be done if i got engaged? What did you mean by that?”--

All the emotions from the night before came crashing into you. Your own words being regurgitated, realizing now the word vomit you must have thrown out at him when you’d have one too many glasses of Rye. 

“I..I mean--” you hesitated a bit, before finally taking a breath and finding the courage in such little time to stick up for yourself for the first time in 4 years

“I mean, what else do you think i meant by that? If you get married, i’m done. I don’t wanna see you start your life, start a family with someone who isn’t me. You know how much that’s going to hurt me?”

You stood silent letting him build his reply--

“So you plan on leaving me, angel?” the pain in his voice only stung a bit for you, wondering why a man who has someone to hold every night would want more, would want to play with you like this.

“I can’t hurt her. But i love you, you know that? You’re my forever--

you laughed, garnering a “what?” on the other end

“Your forever?.....your forever is with the person you chose over me.” you raised your voice slightly, starting to feel your cheeks heat up. 

“You know it’s not like that, i didn’t chose anyone over anyone.” he lied again.

“Yes you did Duncan, you had years to be with me. To smarten up and finally take a chance on us. To finally wake up and stop hurting me. But every day you choose her. You make that decision every day when you wake up.” 

Tears now slowly streaming down your face, your grip on the phone tighter now than before. All this build up aggression finally feels like it’s being released.

“It’s not that easy--”

That’s what he always said. Spoke sweet nothings into your ear, then ripped the rug out from underneath. How can you believe someone who’s been doing this, playing this same game for years. Were you numb to it, or would the pain hit hours, days, or years later? Why can’t a man telling you you’re his everything, the only one who gets him, why can’t it be easy for that man. Why can’t the choice to pick you feel easy? Why can’t he wake up in the night and want you by his side. Why weren’t you good enough?

“Why can’t it be easy duncan? why can’t you fight for us?” you pleaded, feeling more pathetic every time you begged him to make the right decision. 

“You are the right thing for me. You are my person.”

-“Then make me that. Why can’t you do that for me?”

“You told me that you wouldn’t make me choose when i started talking to you again. You know i never wanted to hurt you, y/n. I want to marry you. I want to so badly. But i can’t hurt her, i can’t hurt another person for no reason. She’s good to me, i can’t do that her.”

-”So you’re choosing my pain over hers. You don’t want to hurt her, so you hurt me?”

The stings in your heart never felt so prevalent. The only person you see yourself with, doesn’t see himself with you. Even though he promises its not that way. It is that way. 

“Please tell me how to help you. I can’t do anything i’m sorry.”

-”Help me by being with me. Fighting for us. Why can’t you just be with me? why do you say these things to me. Why do you tell me you wanna marry me, that i’m the only one for you. That i’m your safe space. Why do you make me that knowing you will never put in the effort to be with me?”

A long sigh you hear from the other line, and next--

“I never promised you anything.”

[niksixx]

Plus One

Welcome to part 5 of Plus One. We are approaching the end of this mini fic, but do not worry my loves. We still have a few parts left. I hope you enjoy part 5, and please remember to leave comments, reblog, and add tags. It motivates me to continue writing for you all. 💜

Note: Just a reminder, though this fic may seem fast, it takes place over the course of a few months!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Pia’s POV*

Eight bright, colorful beanbags are scattered around the floor in a private room at the back end of the library. It’s quiet, far away from small children who squeal excitedly when they spot their favorite comic book and a good distance away from the college students who gather at the old wooden tables to recite chemistry flashcards in one big study group.

Black coffee and burnt wood is the signature smell of the book club room. Only a few windows are open, allowing just a bit of sunshine and breeze to fill the room. The aura is comforting.

“Okay, everyone,” I say, setting the book in my lap. I believe The Catcher in the Rye is a classic, but various opinions, both positive and negative, have been directed toward the book over the years. Romance is the genre I’ve always been drawn to, fiction or nonfiction, but I can certainly appreciate a coming-of-age novel. “How did we feel about the story?”

Margaret, an elderly woman with curly gray hair and silver glasses, raises her hand timidly. It’s the first time she has volunteered to speak since the start of our club. I give her an encouraging smile, nodding. “I enjoyed it very much, though it was slow at times.”

A small contribution, but a contribution nonetheless. “Thank you Margaret. Would anyone else like to share?”

Shayne, a third-year college student, wiggles his fingers and clears his throat. “I would.” He snaps the book shut with one hand. “The book itself is enjoyable. There’s a lot of important themes that are entwined in the storyline. But Holden, and let me be clear, I feel terrible for saying this about a sixteen-year-old, was insufferable.”

“I thought I was the only one who thought so!” Stacy chirps from her beanbag. The thirty-year old mother of two crosses her ankles, drumming her fingers on the spine of her novel. “I was under the impression that Holden believed he was better than everyone else. His personality alone was enough to make me despise the book and it’s a shame. I wanted to love it.”

“That’s an interesting point, Stacy.” Setting my book on the ground, I adjust my legs deeper into the beanbag while the rest of the book club eagerly sits forward, awaiting my response. “And this is why I love reading so much. Whether the story is true or not, we know Holden Caulfield is not a real person, though there have been assumptions that J.D. Salinger modeled Holden after himself. Stacy, you said that Holden’s personality gave you enough reason to not enjoy the book. We certainly have to appreciate Salinger’s talent as an author. He was able to create a character that made you feel such strong emotions.” The club nods in agreement before I continue. “Now Shayne, you mentioned themes. Explain a bit more for me.”

“Gladly,” he answers eagerly. “Innocence. It’s the main theme. Holden, for lack of a better term, is obsessed with the preservation of childhood innocence. I do think that’s admirable, and while he was intolerable in my opinion, I can understand his desire to conserve one’s purity.”

“I assume there’s going to be a but in your next statement,” Charlie pipes up with a chuckle. The forty-seven year old retired firefighter wears a kind smile on his face.

“But,” Shayne smirks and holds up a finger. “Holden is one big contradiction, and here’s why. We know how much Holden hated the adult world and it’s “phoniness”. It’s the whole reason he wanted to preserve innocence wherever he could. Holden himself was a phony, a fake. He condemns adulthood but is seemingly unaware of his own phoniness. I now hate this word, by the way.”

A collective chuckle sounds in the room. I shake my head but can’t help the growing smile. The book club has been the highlight of my week so far.

“Anyway,” Shayne continues. “He’s deceptive and a compulsive liar. Holden is the epitome of what he hates.”

“That is a fantastic observation, Shayne, and thank you for sharing.” He bows dramatically before slinking back deeper into the beanbag. “Before we conclude our meeting and I introduce our new book, I have a question. Does anyone know why Holden’s name is symbolic to the story?”

I can see the wheels turning in their brains, and for a moment I think I’ve stumped them. Charlie looks like he wants to answer, but nothing comes out of his mouth. I take the chance to speak up. “First, does anyone know what a caul is?”

Stacy’s hand shoots up in the air. “I think I learned about this in one of my birthing classes but forgive me if I’m wrong. But isn’t the caul a part of the amnion that protects an unborn baby? Near the head, right?”

I snap my finger and point to Stacy excitedly. “Yes! And what does the name Holden sound like?”

“Holden...hold...en...hold...hold on?” Charlie asks skeptically.

“Exactly right,” I grin proudly. “Put it all together.”

“Oh my gosh,” Margaret says softly. Everyone turns toward the older woman. “In the book there was mention of Holden imagining children frolicking in a rye field. I just realized it now. He’s the catcher in the rye field, protecting the children. Holden Caulfield. Hold on to childhood innocence.”

I grin wildly, clapping along with the rest of the book club members. “Incredible, Margaret. You’re exactly right.”

“So, what’s our next book?” Shayne asks, hands tapping his thighs. “I’m feeling a mystery book.”

“Or Sci-Fi,” Charlie answers.

“Oooo, Sci-Fi,” Shayne murmurs excitedly.

“Neither,” I say, giggling at their frowns. From my purse, I pull out a purple paperback book and show it to the group. “Historical fiction mixed with romance. Our next book is The Madness of Lord Ian Mackenzie. I’ve never heard of it, so I’m sure you haven’t either. It’s about the same length as The Catcher in the Rye, maybe only a few pages more. Let’s all try to read the first five chapters and we’ll meet again next week.”

Stacy, Charlie, and Margaret bid farewell. Shayne stays back with me, shooting me a smirk as I gather my belongings. “Another romance novel, huh? Something you’d like to share with the class? Maybe his name?”

A slow smile spreads across my lips. I sling my purse over my shoulder, clamping a hand down on Shayne’s. “He’s a dream, Shayne. I’ve known him forever, but it’s finally official,” Two months ago, I used to cringe on the word official when it wasn’t. It still isn’t, but something between us feels different, feels real. The more I’m with him, the more I don’t want to pretend.

Shayne slings an arm around my shoulder, leading me out of the room. He’s had his fair share of relationship issues as well, but at twenty-one, he’s still young. “I’m glad one of us isn’t having boy trouble. Philip called me the other day, said he wants to get back together.”

“Are you going to?”

Shayne makes a face, opening the front door of the library. He scoots aside, letting me walk first. “Hell no, Sweets. He was a terrible boyfriend,” Shayne considers for a moment. “At least the sex was good. You think he’d settle for friends with benefits?”

I laugh heartily, pushing Shayne’s shoulder. “That’s a recipe for disaster, my friend. You want my advice? Spend some time on yourself. Find out what you really want in life.”

I head off to my car, Shayne walking the opposite way to his. Before I can slide into the seat, Shayne calls out to me. “Is he the one?”

I don’t have to think about it. It comes out naturally. “Without a doubt.”

~~~

Janielle has outdone herself, but I never expected anything less. Desserts are on every counter in her kitchen, from cupcakes to brownies and pastries. Outside on the back deck, a long white table is filled from end to end with finger foods and appetizers. With a beer in his hand, Dominic flips burgers expertly at the grill, shooting his wife a goofy grin when she utters a stern ‘be careful’. The rest of the adults gather on the patio, laughing and drinking, while the kids swim excitedly in the pool.

It’s the hottest day in August so far, and I can’t tell if my cheeks are red from the heat or from my constant ogling of Nikki’s shirtless chest. I watch from the deck as Nikki, Vince, and Amanda clink their bottles together and down their drinks. Nikki wins, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically, before turning his head to shoot me a wink. I laugh and shake my head, holding up my glass of wine that is still half full.

“So, you and Sixx,” My laughter is cut off by Dom, whose eyes twinkle with the same amusement present in his voice. “How about that?”

My stomach flips just at the mention of Nikki. “Going on almost four months,” I answer proudly, swirling the wine in my glass. “We’ve got nothing on you and Janielle, though.”

Dom smirks, carefully plating more burgers. I take the plate from him, and he nods in thanks. “Hey, not everyone knows who they’re going to marry at sixteen years old.”

This time, my heart beats faster just at the brief mention of marriage. I try not to let myself think of a long-term commitment with Nikki just yet. To everyone else, we’ve been official for a few months. But to myself and Nikki, we’re just two best friends playing a role.

“It’s too early to talk about marriage just yet,” I reply with a soft grin.

“But it’s a possibility in the future, yes?” Dom asks, stacking the last few burgers on the plate.

All I can answer with is a subtle nod just before I feel an arm snake around my waist. I crane my neck to glance up at Nikki just as his lips press a kiss to my jaw. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Dom’s lazy smile and it puts me at ease knowing that Nikki and I have done our job at convincing everyone that what’s between us is true.

“Hi gorgeous,” Nikki greets breathily. “You doing okay?”

“Never better,” I answer truthfully, leaning back into his chest. I hand off the plate of burgers to Dom before directing my attention back to Nikki. “Are you?”

Nikki nods, arm tightening around my waist. “I’m perfect.” He holds up three empty beer bottles. “Come with me?”

I nod and take his hand, letting him lead me into the kitchen. While Nikki rummages through Janielle’s fridge for more beer, I steal a cannoli from the dessert tray, biting into the sweet cream.

“I’m having so much fun with you,” I blurt out honestly, licking the cream from my lips.

For a brief second, something flashes across Nikki’s face, almost as if my statement mimicked a bitter taste in his mouth. It’s gone just as fast as it came, replaced by an easy smile. “I am too, P.”

I bite my lip as Nikki opens the three bottles, eyes lingering on his tattooed arms. He catches me, smirking. “Pretty girl, you’re not exactly trying to hide it, you know.”

I blush, looking away like I always do when a compliment from Nikki is directed my way. And because I look away, I miss Nikki freeze in alarm, eyes wide, studying me.

When I turn back around, I notice his lips are in a thin line, jaw clenched ever so slightly. “P, I think we need to talk about something.”

His voice is serious, more serious than it’s ever been, and momentarily I fear the worst. Nikki’s fingers fidget nervously, and I can tell whatever is on his mind has been there for quite some time. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” It’s not a convincing answer, but I don’t say anything as he continues. “It’s more of a question, actually.” His hands fall at his side as he steps forward, exhaling a strangled breath. “Are we...what we’re doing…” His voice goes low. “We’re still pretending, right?”

There’s a lump forming in my throat, and I try my best to speak around it without giving off the impression that I’m either extremely hopeful he wants to make this real, or going to start crying because he wants to call everything off. “Yeah. Unless…unless you don’t want to pretend--.”

“No, no,” He says all too quickly, hands skimming my arms. “I like pretending. Pretending is good, safe. I just...wanted to make sure we’re still on the same page.” He grabs my hands, pressing a gentle kiss to each, before grabbing the bottles from the counter.

And as he leaves Janielle’s kitchen with a smile, I’m left standing alone and more confused than I’ve ever been.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

She [3]

Warnings: non-consent sex (series)

This is dark! Steve and explicit. 18+ only.

Series Synopsis: Steve Rogers’ life is turned upside down by a reporter.

Chapter Summary: The reader finds herself at the center of even more unwanted attention

Note: This is a slow slow creep but that’s always the best kind. Thanks everyone who is reading this. The series is in full 10 chapters and they are all DONE! So we will have a smooth ride from here on out.

Thanks to everyone for their patience and feedback. :)

I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 Let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply or an ask! Love ya!

Reader

The morning was more hectic than any before. There was a brief lull, right after the story drop. The long wait for the verdict. Was it a hit or a flop? You sat at your desk, typing away at your latest assignment. Nothing so glorious as the famous super soldier. Merely a fluff piece on a local foundation for children in need. The usual fare.

Then it began. The comment section on the article was overwhelming and the coverage of the printed article was just as fervent. The Google alerts on your phone threatened to drain the battery and the stationary phone on your desk began to flash. You answered.

“My office. Now.” Poppy’s demand was followed by a click.

You stood and tucked your cell up your blazer sleeve. You knocked on her transparent door and she waved you in as she remained sitting. One leg was crossed over the other as she leaned back and swiveled back and forth.

“Do you know what you’ve done?” She asked. Your eyes rounded. “You’ve set the world on fire. I have been on the phone all morning and who do you think I’ve been talking about?”

“I don’t--” You began.

“You. And Steve Rogers.” She trilled. “Even heroes must be mindful of the press.”

“What do you--?”

“Tell me haven’t been divulging in all that praise, hun,” She chimed. “What are you working on right now?”

“Um, well, I just went down the Centre for Advocacy and Assistance and I’m--”

“Drop it. Throw it on an intern’s desk,” She interrupted again. “You’ll be much too busy for that.”

“What do you mean?” You stood just behind the acrylic chair.

“Interviews!” She almost shouted. “Everyone wants to know what it was like to face down Captain America.”

“Interviews? No, no. It wasn’t like that.”

“You know what you wrote,” She jabbed a pointed nail in the air. “I think you might be as hot a commodity as he is.”

“I don’t want to be interviewed.” You said. “I’m a reporter. I don’t--”

“This is an opportunity,” She insisted. 

“It’s one article. I can’t just depend on that.” You said.

“Think about it.” She said. “Even so, clear out your desk. We’re moving you to the features department. I hope you know what that means.”

You nodded. That was a win at least.

“Long hours. Better pay.” She leaned an arm on her desk. “But it’s hard work. One wrong pitch and your back down to blurbs.”

“I know,” You assured her. “Thank you.”

“Thank me if you make it a year,” She adjusted her glasses. “And keep those eyes open. You might not want the attention, but you’re going to get it.”

🖋️

You headed out for your usual midweek lunch. As you stepped out the front doors, you were surprised by a lens. In your effort to find the card to collect stamps for your sandwiches, you stumbled and your bag fell to the pavement. You knelt to gather the scattered contents and quickly righted yourself.

You flitted past the photographer as he called after you. “Miss, miss, are you afraid of Steve Rogers?”

You rolled your eyes at the question and dipped into the sandwich shop. You got your usual turkey club on rye but not to go. Instead, you ate in, still on edge at your run-in. As a member of the press, it was startling to get a taste of the other side. You were determined in your work, but never the one to unnecessarily hound a subject.

You wiped your mouth and sat back as you checked the time. You wondered how bad it was for him. You had underestimated yourself; your article. You had ignored Poppy’s prediction that the article would be a best-seller and let your self-doubt get the best of you. And now, it was all a mess.

You hadn’t meant to villianize Steve Rogers, merely humanise him. To make him more than the man behind the perfect smile and golden hair. You thought a glimpse into his internal dilemma would be grounding, not ostracizing. You were wildly mistaken.

You tidied up and threw away your garbage. You set off back to work and passed another photographer, her curly hair barely contained under a wool cap.

“Miss, why did you smear Steve Rogers?” She asked as you tried your best to ignore her. “Can you confirm--”

You hurried through the front doors and tripped on your own foot as you entered the lobby. You cursed under your breath and caught the elevator before it could close. Your bag shook as your phone began to dance once more. You cringed and gripped the slender strap of your purse. You didn’t feel too sorry for yourself, you were sure it was much worse for him.

🖋️

The rest of your day dragged on. You were greeted by the same probing photographers but evaded them in the subway. The crowded train had you even more on edge than usual. You kept your eyes on the phone, your notifications muted but for your work e-mail. You played the little farming game as you waited for your stop.

The same walk as any other day. Short but it saw the sky greying by the time you reached your building. Your keys jingled with the overzealous keychains and attachments, an empty bottle of sanitizer clung to the mess.

You climbed up the stairs, one at a time. The wood was old and warped beneath the mats. Your door jammed and you fought the thick barrier until you forced your way inside. You flipped on the lights and locked the door behind you. You kicked off your shoes and dropped your purse. You wriggled out of your blazer and stretched as you looked around the cramped space.

You went to the buzzing refrigerator and pulled out your leftover shawarma plate from the night before and a can of sparkling water. You popped open the styrofoam and took out your phone. You leaned on the counter and at the chicken and rice cold and scraped up the last of the pickled turnip and cabbage.

Poppy wanted you in early the next morning. That couldn’t be good. Your junk box was quickly filling too as you redirected e-mails from your cohorts asking for statements and explanations. You didn’t feel the need or desire to justify what you wrote. It was the truth.

You thought of how quickly the meeting with Steve Rogers had turned tense. The mere mention of his old friend was enough to rile him but you had continued to poke. Well, that was your job. To follow the scent until you could latch onto the sinew of a story.

You tossed the container and went to the couch. You turned on the television and stretched out. You listened to the re-run of an early 00s sitcom and your eyes slowly closed. You were exhausted and expected to be more so after tomorrow. You only hoped the news cycle spat you out sooner than later.

You turned onto your side as the breeze rattled the fire escape outside your window. You switched the channel as the credits rolled and yawned against the pillow. As tired as you were, you knew you’d spend too much of your night on the couch; wakeless and watching episodes you’d seen a dozen times before.

🖋️

You knew something was off as you walked into the office. It was earlier than your usual start time but several others were already at their desks. You wondered if a few had even left the night before. You passed your old desk and looked at your vibrating phone.

‘Where are you?’ Poppy’s text popped up and you didn’t even stop to stare at the shell of your former workspace.

You continued onto her office and froze as you peered through her transparent wall. A man stood by her desk, his back to you and a bald head with a crooked thin strap around it. His long leather jacket hung to his knees and Poppy sat upright as she watched him tinker with the hummingbird ornament she kept on the corner.

You held back a gasp and continued forward. You raised your fist to knock but Poppy caught the movement with her seafoam eyes. She pushed her glasses up her nose and waved you in impatiently. The man turned to watch as you entered.

“Hey?” You said confused. “What’s--”

“Ma’am,” The man interjected and looked back at Poppy. “This is her?”

Poppy nodded as her lips formed a thin line.

“Hello, I’m--”

“Nick Fury.” You finished for him. “And I assume you know who I am already.”

“I know who everyone is.” He assured you and held out his hand. You shook it and felt a crushing strength in his grip. “And you know why I’m here?”

“About the article but I don’t know what you would want from me.” You said.

Poppy’s eyes widened. You’d never seen her so rattled. It was usually her doing the rattling.

“A conversation.” He said. “I understand you must be busy but I’m certain you can spare me a couple minutes.”

“I guess,” You shrugged.

“If you find yourself too busy, I can return with a subpoena.” He offered.

“A subpoena? Really?” You blinked at him. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“I would agree,” He put a hand on his hip and you spied the sidearm there. Was that intentional? “Is there somewhere private we might talk?”

“Take the conference room,” Poppy offered. “Just over there.” She pointed through the wall.

Fury nodded and you turned back to the door. He followed, his boots heavy on the floor behind you. You led him to the conference room and he closed the door swiftly. You didn’t sit as he began to pace around the long table. You stayed by the wall and hugged your purse.

“Look, I don’t know what you want. The article’s already out there and I didn’t write anything by the truth.” You said nervously. “I can’t control how people react to--”

“You have the recording still?” He asked as he stopped sharply. You nodded. “Good. Can I listen?”

It wasn’t really a question. He stared you down with his single eye and you took out your phone. You searched the files and hit play. You set the phone on the table as it began. You listened silently as your voice began and Steve replied. 

The conversation filled the airy conference and Fury crossed his arms as he listened. He wasn’t happy as Steve’s tone deepened and his words turned venomous. You felt a chill roll along your spine. You’d almost forgotten how hateful he’d sounded. You felt as if he was there now, his eyes boring into you as his lip curled.

As it ended, Fury nodded and rubbed his chin.

“Well,” He snatched your phone off the table. “Thank you.”

“What?” You neared the table as he tucked your cell in his pocket. “Wait, that’s my phone. I need that!”

“Your phone? Under the authority of… well, me, I am seizing it.” He declared. “For your security and every one else.”

“You can’t be serious.” You huffed.

“I can’t have this leaking.” He said. “I hear Best Buy’s having a promotion on iPhone’s. Looks like you need an upgrade anyways.”

You frowned and kept your lips sealed. He didn’t need to know about your cloud back-up. You’d have enough time to download the file before he could find it for himself. You rolled your eyes.

“Is that it?” You asked.

“I got what I wanted, like I always do,” He said. “But there is one more thing.”

You watched him. He was worse than any nosy photographer or internet troll.

“I don’t take these things lightly. You’ve sidelined one of my best men and compromised my team.” He hooked his thumb in his pants pocket. “But we’ve taken note of you and we are always vigilant of our enemies.”

“Enemies?” You shook your head.

“I suggest you steer clear of any public statements,” He warned. “Or I would consider some legal representation in the near future.”

You squinted at him in disbelief. You rubbed your forehead, tired and unprepared for your early morning interrogation. You still had a full day ahead of you. 

“Are we done?” You uttered. “I know my work isn’t as important as yours but I do have a job.”

“For now,” He said. “The public has a short attention span, miss, I suggest you find a new subject soon.”

With that he rounded the table and left you in the conference room. You sighed and grabbed the back of a chair. What the fuck were going to do without your phone?

🖋️

With your back-up done and a five minutes crash course in being a features writer from a new cohort, you felt entirely lost. You hid the flash drive in your purse and headed out on the guise of research. No one seemed to care very much, they all just thought you were off to search out a pitch to keep hold of your new position.

What you were truly off to do was sit in line for one of only three mobile associates at the electronics shop. When it was finally your turn, you asked for the most affordable yet reliable option. You brushed away the offer for the latest Apple shill and walked out with something a lot more comfortable next to your wallet.

You dreaded a return to the office. You were thankful for your sudden step-up as it meant a longer leash. You could check in once a week at most as long as you presented something to explain your absence. You weren’t so concerned about that anyway. 

You were more worried about getting this phone set-up. Oh, and creating new accounts because as it was, Fury and his people now had every drop of info on you. That meant, at some point, you would have to visit IT and get a new ID. For now, you forwarded all your messages to your new private e-mail and stopped by the coffee shop around the corner from your building.

You hated this new normal. Not only did you have to be aware of those who thought they could jump on your cloud, but those who would label you an enemy of the people. You were certain Fury would be keeping tabs on you and judging by the influx of bings from your phone, you were fairly certain the blow back was building by the second.

You didn’t bother delving into the chaos of the comments section. People arguing with each other over your exposure of the heroes versus those who felt it was a betrayal and misrepresentation. You had never expected the spotlight to include you but you were centre stage alongside the American hero. You only assumed it was much worse for him.

You thought on what Fury said. ‘Sidelined’. Did that mean Steve Rogers was no longer an Avenger? Had he stepped down or been forced out? Hmm… you were tempted to dive down that rabbit hole but did the flames need any more fuel? And yet, it was your job to prod and poke at the vague. 

However, it would be better to steer away from that and not rely on that one trick. Besides, you didn’t truly think there was anything particularly deceptive about Steve or his associates. They were secretive only because they had to be. They were doing their jobs as you did yours.

You sat by the window and picked at the curled lip of the paper cup. What would you pitch then? If you couldn’t grasp onto your momentary high, you might find the way down steep. You leaned your chin in your hand and watched the steam rise. The door chimed and you kept your eyes on the dark brew.

Maybe it was best to move along and sniff out your next bone. It would help you forget about the mess you had created while keeping your career alive. The only thing you could do was move forward and hope that this was all just buried by the next headline.

[everlarkbirthdaygifts]

Happy Birthday, madelion82!

Apologies for the short delay on your birthday gift, @mandelion82​! We hope you had an amazing day today, and that you got exactly the presents you were hoping for! To keep your party going a little while longer, the wonderful @norbertsmom​ has written a story just for you!

Author's note: Happy birthday to @Mandelion82, sorry for the delay. I hope you enjoy your age gap, friends to lovers Everlark birthday fic. Big thanks to @mega-aulover who not only beta’ed this fic, but was also my writing partner. Without further ado…

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New Beginnings

Peeta Mellark is excited. There’s only 1 week left before school starts up again, but he’s excited nonetheless. He has the week off, and his best friend is finally home from her job at summer camp.

Summer without Prim had been completely boring. He had to work all summer in the family bakery because his older brother made the Panem University Football team, so Rye got to run around at practice everyday instead of working in the bakery like usual.

Peeta had to do all the heavy lifting, working 40 hours a week or more. Sure, the money was great - he bought a car! - but he was always dead tired by the weekend. And with his best friend away, Peeta had been bored.

But now, Prim and her sister Katniss are home. Peeta can’t wait to see them. He and Prim are juniors this year and Katniss is a senior. Peeta has had a crush on Katniss since his first day of school. When his dad introduced him to the daughters of his old school friend on his first day at Kindergarten. It was a day he would never forget.

He and Prim were in the same kindergarten class  and became instant best friends. Katniss, a first grader, on the other hand, intrigued him, especially how she took care of Prim. She was a year older, so she knew the ropes. She held Prim’s hand and explained what was going on so neither Prim nor he was nervous.

Peeta’s own brothers never did that for him. When he and his brothers  got to the schoolyard, his older brothers took off to go play with their friends until school started. Katniss, however, stuck around.

That first day, when the bell rang, all the kids were ushered into the auditorium. Peeta was so excited; he’d never seen so many kids gathered at one time. The school Principal, Effie Trinket held a welcome rally at the beginning of every new school year. Katniss directed Prim and Peeta to sit near the front so they could see better. Peeta quickly got bored of the Principal’s speech about rules and etiquette, but when Miss Trinket called Katniss up to the stage, that got his attention.

“My dear children, you are in for a treat,” Miss Trinket announced. “Your very own Katniss Everdeen is going to sing a song to start out our new year.”

Katniss stepped up to the microphone and in the voice of an angel started to sing a song called New Beginnings. Katniss voice soared to great heights. Prim giggled next to him, but Peeta didn’t pay any attention. He  stared in awe throughout the entire song. When she was done, Peeta stood up and gave her an enthusiastic standing ovation. Katniss looked over at Peeta and smiled, and Peeta was a goner.

That was 12 years ago, and Peeta still holds that crush close to his heart. Not only was Katniss his best friend’s sister, but she probably thought of him as a little brother.

Now, Peeta is on his way to visit the sisters for the first time all summer. He knocks at the door, bouncing on his feet, excited to see his best friend.

The door opens, and Peeta’s eyes go wide and his voice catches in his throat, because standing before him in a tiny green bikini is no other than Katniss Everdeen, the love of his life.

Not that she knows that, but she’s staring at him like he’s some kind of dummy, Peeta thinks, but he can’t seem to get any words out. He’s so distracted by her long flowing hair that she flips back over her shoulder.

Katniss gives him a small shy smile. It's so brief Peeta thinks he imagined the look on her face. Her smiles are rare.

“Is he here?” Prim asks from behind Katniss and it seems to break the staring contest.

Katniss steps back and tells Prim, “You just might have to shoo the girls away at school when they see your boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Prim says as she passes Katniss, who’s rushing off to the back into the house.

“Come on in,” Prim tells him, then whistles as he steps inside. “Wow, you really put on some muscle over the summer. Working in the bakery really did your body good,” she says while squeezing his bicep, and pinching him on the side.

Peeta pushes her away. “Whatever, but you sure got taller. You’re taller than Katniss now.”

“I know,” Prim giggles. “She hates it.”

Katniss comes back out wearing a cover-up over her bikini, but Peeta can still see her long tanned legs. She’s such a goddess, he can’t keep his eyes off of her. “I’m outta here. Have fun guys,” Katniss says and rushes off.

“Stare much,” Prim teases, and punches Peeta in the stomach.

Katniss quickly looks back, but scurries off before Prim sees she was returning his stare. Her phone rings as she walks away.

“Peeta,” Prim chides, “You know the rules. No dating each other’s siblings.”

That rule came about because in the 6th grade, their fellow students, Cashmere and Glimmer got in a fight because Glimmer started dating Cashmere’s twin brother. They didn’t talk for weeks. So Prim and Peeta made a rule that they couldn’t date each other’s siblings. Peeta agreed even though he had a huge crush on Katniss. He knew he never had a chance with her. She was a year older, beautiful, and all the boys liked her.

That call is probably from her boyfriend Gale Hawthorne anyway, Peeta thinks, and tries to put Katniss in her tiny green bikini out of his mind. Peeta and Prim spend the rest of the day swimming in the backyard pool, telling each other about their summer.

By the time Katniss comes back, the sun is dipping into the horizon and Peeta swears that shade of orange is now his favorite color. It casts her golden skin in a hue that makes her look like a goddess. Peeta dives under the water to calm himself down.

For the rest of the night neither notice Katniss keeps peeking outside. When Peeta goes to leave, it’s his car that draws Katniss out again.

Prim whistles, “This old junk needs to be scrapped, not driven.”

“Hey, no!” Peeta leans in and whispers, “Don’t listen to her, cheese-bun, she knows nothing about cars.”

Katniss grins, then says, ”Nice ‘66 Shelby Cobra Mustang, needs a lot of work, but it looks like it has good bones.”

Peeta stares openly at Katniss.

“Don’t be too impressed, Gale’s dad is a gearhead. He teaches Katniss whenever she goes over there,” Prim says dryly.  

Peeta nods. Figures, her boyfriend probably drives a fully restored muscle car and takes her out every night. Peeta clears his throat, “I, uh, I bought it off of the goat man. You know that guy who runs the goat farm at the edge of town. He came into the bakery and was talking about getting rid of the car his son left in the barn before going off to war all those years ago. I went out to see it with my dad, and I couldn’t believe what he had. It was in terrible shape, as you can see, but I really have hopes for restoring her to her old glory.”

“Besides Prim, you shouldn’t be too harsh, this is the car that’s going to take us to school for the rest of the year,” Katniss says firmly.

“Sure,” Peeta squeaks out. He clears his throat and in a manlier voice he repeats, “Sure, yeah, I’ll be driving you ladies to school everyday.”

“Great, we’re gonna get laughed at on our first day back,” Prim whines, but Katniss tells her to shush.

Peeta gets in his car and starts it, but before he can put it into gear, it backfires. Prim shakes her head and grumbles while Katniss laughs and waves to Peeta as he pulls out of the driveway.

Peeta comes over everyday for the rest of the week, but Katniss is never around.

On the first day back to school, Peeta picks up Prim and Katniss. Katniss doesn’t say much. She has her earbuds in, listening to music. She gives him a quick nod and jumps in the back seat, so Prim can sit up front.

When they get to school, someone wolf whistles.

Cato Ludwig comes up and puts his arm around Katniss’ shoulder. “Now that Hawthorne is away, Kitty cat can play.”

Katniss ducks under his arm and pushes him away. Her legendary scowl in place. “Get lost, Cato.”

“Oh, not in a playful mood, are we?” he asks, then turns to Prim.

“How about you, little sister, you’re not so little anymore, are you?” and wiggles his eyebrows.

He goes to put his arm around Prim, but Peeta jumps in and twists Cato’s arm around his back.

Cato makes a counter move, but Peeta is ready and pins him to the ground. He may have been smaller than his brothers, but he’s had to wrestle his older brothers his whole life.

“Get off me,” Cato growls, not liking being shown up by a younger kid in front of the rest of the school.

Before Peeta can let him up, Coach Abernathy comes out of the building and blows his whistle.

Peeta jumps up and holds his hand out to Cato, who pushes it away before getting up himself.

“Cato and Peeta, enough of that.”

All the kids around make oohing sounds.

Cato whines. “I wasn’t fighting. Mellark jumped me.”

“Looked more like he was protecting his friends,” Coach replies. “From you.” He turns to Peeta, “You should think about joining the wrestling team with moves like that, but any more fighting and it’s detention for the both of you.” He emphasizes his point by pointing two fingers at both of the boys, then storms off back into the school.

“Thank you Peeta,” Prim tells him. She gives Cato a scowl and drags Peeta into the school by the arm. Katniss follows at a short distance behind them.

Peeta looks back at Katniss, and she nods, and mouths, “Thanks.”

“Mr. Mellark,” Coach Abernathy calls from his office.

Peeta hangs his head. Great, he thinks, I bet I’m getting that detention after all.

“I need to speak to you.” Coach Abernathy walks away.

Peeta tells Prim goodbye and follows Coach into his office. Once there Coach Abernathy shows him a chair.

“Kid you need an elective, that cooking class has been cancelled.”

Peeta sits up. “What?”

“Not enough people signed up and it got cancelled.” Coach Abernathy looks at his computer screen. “Let’s see, in that time slot, your choices are Auto Shop, and Public Speaking. Oh, wait a minute. You’ve already taken public speaking, so Auto Shop it is.”

“Great,” Peeta says as he gets up. I need Auto Shop to work on my car anyway, he thinks.

“Oh, and Mr. Mellark,” Coach Abernathy says before Peeta can leave the room, “You really should consider trying out for wrestling. You already got the moves.”

“I’ll think about it, sir,” Peeta says as he leaves the office.

Peeta just sits down in first period literature class. The teacher isn’t in the room, so most of the kids are still milling around. Cashmere, Glimmer, and Clove surround Peeta’s desk.

“Wow Peeta, you sure grew up this summer,” Cashmere tells him.

“Ya,” Clove says, then snaps her gum, “you got muscles, like your brothers.”

“You really took on Cato for Primrose Everdeen. He’s a senior. Is she your girlfriend?” Glimmer asks while twirling her hair.

“What? No, Prim is my best friend.”

“Oh, are you dating Katniss Everdeen, then?” Cashmere asks, then points at Katniss who just walked in the door.

Peeta makes a choking sound and stares over at Katniss who sits down on the other side of the room.

The girls all look over too, and Katniss quickly looks away.

“I see,” Cashmere says, and pulls the other two girls away, whispering and pointing between Peeta and Katniss.

“Katniss has a boyfriend,” Peeta finally says, although he doubts they hear him over their whispering. Katniss is going to hate being the subject of rumors, Peeta thinks.

Later that day, Peeta has lunch with Prim.

“People keep asking me about you, how you got so built, why you took on Cato.”

“Please, I don’t want to talk about that. Tell me about your day. Anything good happen?” Peeta asks.

Prim obliges by telling him about the new girl she met, named Rue. “She’s a new transfer from District 11 and reminds me of Katniss so much. She just loves the outdoors, and she sings all the time.”

“Sounds like you found yourself a new best friend,” Peeta teases.

“What? No!” Prim blushes. “You’ll always be my best friend. I just, I don’t know. I like her.” Prim looks down at her lap.

“Hey, no worries,” Peeta tells her, lifting up her chin. “I was just kidding. Go ahead and spend time with Rue. I’m happy that you made a new friend.”

“Thanks,” Prim says shyly.

The end-of-lunch bell rings and each heads off to their next class, Biology for Prim, and Auto Shop for Peeta.

Peeta walks down the long hallway to Auto Shop. He’d never been in this wing of the school before. His father had told him, back in his day, all the boys had to take Woodworking Shop and Auto Shop, while the girls took Home Ec, but nowadays, all those classes are electives.

Peeta steps into the classroom and finds several auto bays on one side of the room, and a long table with chairs lining the other side of the room. Several people are already sitting at the table, but he doesn’t know anyone yet.

“Hey Mellark,” a voice he was dreading to hear, calls behind him, “what are you doing slumming in Auto Shop?” Cato Ludwig asks him.

Before he can answer, the voice he loves to hear calls out, “Why, worried he’ll pin you again?”

The other kids chuckle as Cato’s face sours. “No one asked you, Everdeen,” he grouses.

Katniss Everdeen, this class just got that much better.

“Hey Katniss,” Peeta says shyly, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck.

“Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were taking Cooking class this period.”

That’s odd she knew that, Peeta thinks. Prim must have told her.

“Uh, it got cancelled. This was the only class open. But I’m glad it was. Now I can learn how to work on my car.”

“Oh yeah. You need to ask Ms. Mason if we can use your car in class, but we’ll need to find another way to school. I don’t want to take the bus.”

“I can do that?” Peeta asks.

“Only if your car is worth my time,” A voice answers behind him.

Peeta turns around to find himself face to face with a woman in her mid twenties, with black spiky hair tipped in red, wearing a red tank top and coveralls folded down at the waist.

“Whatchagot kid?” she asks him.

Before he can answer, Katniss jumps in, “He’s got a ‘66 Shelby Cobra Mustang. Been in a barn for decades, but it could really be something if we can get to work on it.”

Ms. Mason nods. “Sounds good, and you guys can call me Johanna. I’m the teacher now, no longer the assistant, so what I say goes, got it?”

“Got it.” Everyone answers in unison.

“Okay, Lovebirds, you take bay one.”

“We’re not a couple, and the name’s Peeta, Peeta Mellark. Nice to meet you Johanna.”

“Kissing up doesn’t work in this class. And I don’t care if you and Brainless are together or not. Just do your work, Loverboy and you’ll do fine.”

Johanna moves onto the other bay assignments.

“Don’t mind her,” Katniss tells him, a light blush on her cheeks. “She gives everyone a nickname.”

“Yeah? How’d you get Brainless?”

“I forgot to put the oil pan plug back in last semester. Oil all over the floor. What a mess.” Katniss tells him with a grin. “It’s better than Meathead, or Marvelous.”

“Is that why they call him Marvel?”

Katniss nods with a smile. Katniss is something else in Auto Shop class, Peeta thinks. She really comes out of her shell, and Peeta likes seeing this side of her.

Peeta learns quickly that he knows nothing about cars, but the prospect of working on his own car with Katniss Everdeen is something to look forward to.

After school, Peeta drives Katniss and Prim home. Prim tells them about her new friend Rue, and how they are in almost every class together. She even wants to be a doctor just like Prim. With news of Peeta’s car being used in shop class, they find that Rue can drive them back and forth to school.

Katniss still sits in the back, but with Peeta now. They talk about everything they can do to the car. Peeta has never seen Katniss talk so much at one time.

Time flies, and the car is taking shape. Prim starts hanging out with Rue after school while Peeta and Katniss work on his car.

Peeta starts cutting his lunch short to go to Auto Shop class early. One day he is trying to configure the carburetor. He has to figure out how to connect the throttle link.

“Hey Mellark,” Katniss calls. “Why are you here so early? Shouldn’t you be at lunch with Prim?”

“I have to finish this up before class. I can’t mess up my test.”

“Let me help you with that,” Katniss says as she leans over.

“Thanks.”

“So quick, what do you call that,” Katniss says pointing to the round thing sitting on top of the engine.”

This is going to be painful. Peeta cannot focus on the car with Katniss so close. He’s staring at the graceful slope of her neck. Who knew a neck could be alluring. He begins to sweat.

“Earth to Peeta,” Katniss snapped her fingers in front of his face.

Peeta understands the meaning of becoming cross eyed. Momentarily his vision blurs and his heart rate spikes. He blurts out the first thing that comes to his brain.  “An air filter?”

“No it’s the air cleaner.”

“Right.” Peeta feels like an idiot. How in the world is he supposed to study when he turns into a buffoon in her presence. Peeta takes a deep breath to clear his mind. “I feel like I’m never going to get this right.”

“Don’t, these old cars aren’t easy. But they are fun to work on. And trust me, there’s nothing like the sound of a finely tuned engine purring.”  She gives him one of her rare rosy cheeked smiles.

Peeta has no idea what Katniss was talking about but he nodded. “Okay.”

“Now next question, what does a carburetor do?”

“It mixes air and fuel to make internal combustion.” Taking out a handkerchief he wipes his face and mutters under his breath, “I think.”

“Good.” Katniss reached out and put her hand on his forearm. “Name the different types of carburetors.”

Peeta thinks he’s going to combust. Nervously he wipes his brow again. He’s losing his concentration at Katniss' light touch. “Custom choke, vacuum, and multiple ven...vent-venturi,” he blurts out.

“Good. Now which one of those is in your car?” She squeezed his arm. Peeta is holding onto his sanity by a thin thread.

“It has a choke one,” he gasped. “I know because I was able to find the number…”

“You don’t have to say another thing, Johanna won’t really care. She just wants to make sure you know what you’re doing.”  Katniss removes her hand from his arm, flicking her signature braid over her shoulder.

“Really.”

“Yeah, if you’re going to drive this around you want to make sure you know what to do if your engine dies, or lose control. It's important.”

Katniss stares at Peeta for a moment, then her face becomes pink before she blurts out, “You know, you smell like a cookie.”

Peeta wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole. Why can’t he smell manly, he’s got the smell like the bakery. “I’m sorry I smell.”

“You smell nice.” She takes a step toward him.

He stands straighter, unsure of what to do next. “Thank you?”

She’s so close he can see the flecks of yellow around her pupils when he looks down into her eyes. Peeta bends his head and Katniss lifts hers. She licks her lips and he mirrors her movements as their faces move close together.

The bell rings and the door to the shop bangs open. Peeta jumps back and Katniss steps away, suddenly interested in the car’s front tires. The other students start shuffling into the classroom.

When Johanna comes in and starts the class, everything is back to normal with Katniss. It’s like that moment never happened.

Half way through the year, Peeta and Katniss stay after class to work on his car once again. Peeta closes the hood and stands back, looking over his car. Katniss stands next to him wiping her hands.

“The car is close to being done.”

“So what color are you going to paint her?”

Peeta thinks it over. “Well, my favorite color is sunset orange, but that’s not an original color. What’s your favorite color?”

“Green,” Katniss says shyly.

“Really? Peeta says excitedly as he pulls up the color chart for 1966 Mustangs. “We can paint it Ivy Green. That’s an original color.” He leans over and shows her his phone.

“You’d do that?” she asks as she looks at his phone.

“Of course, You’ve put in as much work on this car as I have.”

Katniss looks up into Peeta’s eyes and smiles. “I’d like that.”

Peeta reaches out and brushes a loose hair behind her ear. “Besides, I would have been lost without you. I want to paint it your favorite color.”

“Okay,” Katniss whispers as she looks up into his eyes.

“Okay,” Peeta answers as he leans down, meeting her lips.

Katniss’ breath fans across his cheek. He pecks her lips experimentally.

Katniss places her hands on his chest and leans up on her tiptoes to capture his top lip. Peeta hands find purchase on her hips and flex gently at the sensation of her lips moving against his. Peeta’s heart soars as she deepens the kiss. It’s everything he’s dreamed this kiss would be. He cups her chin and she moans.

Katniss pulls away. Their eyes meet and once more their lips meet over and over again until they are both breathless. Peeta pulls away.  “We shouldn’t be doing this?”

Katniss frowns. “You’re right, Katniss says, as she steps back. “Prim would hate me.”

“What about your boyfriend, Gale?” Peeta asks, confused.

“What are you talking about? I’m not dating Gale. I was talking about Prim. I know you two are dating. You’ve been best friends forever. She’d be stupid to not want to date you.”

“Uh, Katniss, if you haven’t noticed. Prim has been spending all of her time with Rue.”

“Really I thought it was because she was driving us to and from school.”

“Katniss, you’re the one I’ve been spending all my time with. I like you. I’ve had a crush on you since the moment I met you. This past year, working with you has been a dream come true.”

Katniss looks up at him and smiles. “Really?”

“Really,” Peeta answers her with another kiss. “So when you said Prim would be stupid to not want to date me, does that mean you would want to date me?”

Katniss looks down and whispers, “Maybe.”

Peeta lifts her chin back up and says, “I think I’ll just have to convince you.” And moves in to kiss her once more.

Neither of them hear the footsteps coming down the hall. “I think they are still in here,” Prim says. “The lights are still on.”

Prim and Rue walk in and find Katniss and Peeta in their passionate embrace.

“Finally,” Prim says.

“What about your,” Rue makes air quotes with her hands, “You shouldn’t date a brother or sister rule.”

“Rue I only did that because Katniss wasn’t ready to date. My sister’s so awkward about boys. I wanted to make sure she didn’t break Peeta’s heart. Besides, they’ve been dancing around each other all year. I think they’ll be a while. Let’s get out of here.”

Rue giggles.

“Shh....” Prim nods to the door.

Prim and Rue walk out hand in hand.

Back in the room, Katniss and Peeta each pull back and take a deep breath. Katniss looks around and asks, “Did you hear something?”

“Not a thing,” Peeta says, “but we are going to have to tell Prim about us. We had this rule…” Peeta drifts off, “but I think she will understand. They are probably waiting for us. Let’s go.”

Katniss and Peeta walk out, but Peeta says, “Hold on a second, and runs back, gives his car one last look and smiles at the thought of it bringing Katniss to him, and he turns out the light.”

This fic was inspired by both The Kissing Booth and Grease. I hope you enjoyed it.

[gayoperatorgunclub]

For the ultimate ship meme, Lion and Doc? I'm sorry, I'm LionDoc trash-

it’s all good!! whenever someone sends in an ask, i get an excuse to talk/write about one of my interests! really, it makes me so happy to be able to create content that people hopefully enjoy!! 💝💝💝

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - until the end of time, babey

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - it was love at first sight but then they started talking i do think it was some form of ~interest~ in one another at first sight, but then all that drama and lack of communication happened so they didn’t really allow themselves to even dream about the possibility of a relationship. HOWEVER! once lion joined rainbow and they talked their shit out like people who know how to cope, there was a period of a few months that is now referred to as The Four Months of Pining™, during which glaz did a lot of paintings where the subject (who usually bears an uncanny resemblance to doc or lion) is staring at something (or someone) longingly. he calls it his french period. when they finally get together, a LOT of money changes hands. and goes straight into sledge’s pocket (he was the only one who bet that it would take them this long). diana gets a brand new collar (handmade), bed (handmade), dish (handmade), and many new toys (some handmade, some store-bought. sledge’s craftsmanship can only get him so far) 

How was their first kiss? - you know how the french are supposed to be super suave and confident??? and how gay people are trying their hardest but they’re just Not Good at things????? (i know these are stereotypes but stay with me). well, with their 5/8 french blood (i hc one of doc’s parents is fully algerian while the other is half french, half algerian), and their 4/4 gay blood, they have an 81.25% chance of success in matters of the heart. sadly, that 18.75% chance of failure came into play during this situation. picture it. doc and lion. romantic, home-cooked dinner. le festin is playing in the background. they’re holding hands over the table. suddenly, doc’s cat goes into labour. all hell breaks loose. lion is getting flashbacks to his son’s birth, so now he’s hyperventilating. doc carries him to the couch and turns on the fan so he can cool off and catch his breath, before carefully moving his cat, Rayie (arabic for gorgeous, pronounced rye-ah) to the living room in his handmade Birthing Box, then grabs a pile of blankets and a heat lamp and situates himself on the ground nearby so he can help her if she needs it. once the kittens are born (they’re twins!! Sadiqi is the boy, and Amirti is the girl!!!) doc makes sure they’re nice and warm and that Rayie is recovering, and gives her pets while she cleans her babies. once the happy family is all settled in for the night, doc walks over to the couch and just. lays down on top of lion. once he’s gotten over the adrenaline of the birth, he takes lion’s face in his hands and says “promise me you’ll be more calm if we ever decide to have kids” and gives him a BIG smooch while lion’s just short-circuiting like “does he know i have a son???? did i forget to mention my son?????? also what about these kittens??? are they not sufficiently childish to count as children????? DOES HE WANT KIDS????? does he want to marry me??????? wait why is he getting so clo-”

Wedding:

Who proposed? - lion. it was the day of their two year anniversary (yes i AM saying they got together the august after outbreak don’t @ me) and they were on vacation at doc’s family’s Secret Beach House. they were vibing on the balcony, watching the sunset, when lion suddenly clears his throat. doc turns to look at him and finds his boyfriend down on one knee, looking like he might flee to Bermuda. he’s reaching for something in his pocket. doc starts laughing. lion, completely misunderstanding his reaction, flushes and stammers out an apology. doc sees this, and immediately stops, though he’s still smiling gleefully as he catches lion by the biceps, then reaches into his own pocket and pulls the ring he was going to give olivier. they exchange rings, giggling like little kids, and spend the rest of the night making out on whatever surfaces are available. 

Who is the best man/men? - for lion? montagne. (his son is the ring bearer and doc’s niece is the flower girl). for doc? rook. he’s so happy he gets to participate in his dad’s wedding

Who is the bride’s maid(s)? - for lion: finka. for doc: twitch

Who did the most planning? - both of them!! do you know how hard they worked to ensure the ceremony was valid in the eyes of both of their religions

Who stressed the most? - s e e  a b o v e

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - lion’s parents. they tried to call him during the reception but doc’s grandma grabbed his phone and started cussing them out, talking about dishonor and how they tried to disown him so they’re not his parents anymore, and besides, his new family absolutely adores him, so really, it’s their loss. once she hangs up, she pulls lion into a hug and he calls her his favorite, if only, grand-mère

Sex:

Who is on top? - who’s topping? lion. but sometimes doc gets bitchy so he gets to set the pace if you know what i mean

Who is the one to instigate things? - they are both lowkey horny 24/7 so 👀👀👀

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now (only because they do get to see each other fairly often. if one goes on a long mission without the other, once they get back they will bump it up to a 10 real quick)

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - idk long enough ig. maybe longer if someone feels they’ve been left ~unsatisfied~ they might go a few more rounds ;))

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - ok it depends on what they’re doing but usually it’s one or two each, but on ~special~ occasions it’s either doc getting edged and denied for hours, OR doc getting forced to come over and over again until he’s begging for something, whether it be more or a goddamn break even he isn’t really sure. either way he’s crying and lion is consistently asking if he needs to safeword and otherwise checking in because they may like it rough but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - unless someone’s hormones and organs get fucked, zero

How many children will they adopt? - probably none?? idk they’ve already got lion’s son and they’re both busy enough with work so

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - NEITHER!!!!! DISGUSTANG!!!!!!!!!

Who is the stricter parent? - god i wanna say both. like lion and his attachment to rules??? but doc and his Mom Friend energy????? but ig lion BUT HE’S NOT STRICT TO THE POINT HE’S A BUZZKILL OR ANYTHING HE’S JUST RESPONSIBLE (he will NOT allow his husband and son to go vandalize the property of some islamaphobic brits, as much as he agrees with the sentiment) 

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - doc will only allow vandalism if it’s in the name of righteousness. meaning, he’ll allow their son to spray paint the walls of a goddamn walmart with shit like “eat the rich” and a portrait of robespierre and a guillotine, but it is a HARD NO on defacing places like the library or community center (unless he has a good reason to do so). lion spends his time praying and making sure his son knows which acts of civil disobedience are acceptable and which are distorting their goal 

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - doc. he (privately) dreams of retiring (eventually) and living out his lifelong dreams of being a househusband. so

Who is the more loved parent? - SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE IM GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS. but ig lion??? BUT ONLY BECAUSE THEIR SON HAS KNOWN HIM LONGER. doc is half Dad and half Cool Uncle Who Gives Me Spray Paint And Tells Me To Make Myself Heard (to clarify, i know doc is a pacifist, but im kinda projecting my own sentiment of “we’ve tried to be peaceful but you wouldn’t give us the time of day. now that we’ve “acted out” we’ve gotten your attention, and rest assured, things are going to change.” he won’t hurt anybody, he’s just tired of having to be everyone’s “muslim friend” and educating people on things they could google themselves)

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - it used to be lion out of necessity, but when people started asking about his “wife” he was really torn between telling them that he and his son’s mother separated, but now he has a partner and his son seems very happy about it. when doc finally attends a meeting with lion, people really struggle to hide their shock. a few clunky but well-meaning “we support you”’s and “we’re sorry for everything that’s been going on”’s later, doc has used his charm to make friends with literally everyone. from then on, he is on pta duty on behalf of lion and his ex

Who cried the most at graduation? - lion! his parents purposefully didn’t show at his, so it’s a big deal for him to show his son just how proud he is. doc tears up a little too, but manages to mostly keep it together so he can support lion, who spends most of the day heave-crying about how proud he is into his husband’s shoulder. gustave just pats him on the back and tells him that they’ll run out of donuts if they don’t get to the concession stand soon

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - doc. civil disobedience, baby!! he has never been caught. lion fears the law after his youth, so he tries to avoid any visits to law enforcement. he also can’t stand to see his son behind bars

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - doc. househusband, remember?

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - doc, but only because he can be a bit of a spice supremacist. he has to get his ingredients from these very specific farms and markets or else his great grandmother will begin manifesting in their house to curse them

Who does the grocery shopping? - doc, bc he does NOT trust lion to not just sweep all of the microwave ramen and kraft mac n cheese into the cart then sprint to self-checkout

How often do they bake desserts? - whenever possible. doc and maestro live by the philosophy “don’t do anything halfway” if they’re going to go through the trouble of making a meal, it will have multiple courses. 

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - doc is more of a salad eater but only for ease of consumption with halal laws. he adores filet mignon

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - lion! maestro enlists himself as assistant head chef after walking into the base’s kitchen one day to find lion covered in flour and lying facedown on the floor, crying

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - also lion! though he’s memorized doc’s order at all of their favorite restaurants, so he usually just gets take out and puts on a big show of being a “tired housewife who works in the kitchen all day just for this one meal” and setting up the table so it’s all nice and romantic

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - lion. he tried crème brûlée once. never again 

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - lion. organization is everything to this man. doc helps with laundry and such, but for the most part he leaves organization to lion and his systems (think leslie knope levels of planning and organization)

Who is really against chores? - neither! they both understand that teamwork makes the dream work, baby!!

Who cleans up after the pets? - doc, since lion’s already asked him which color hanger should represent “clothes i can tear off my husband before we fuck” and he needs a Moment

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - neither. they don’t own a broom

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - lion because of the deep-seated catholic urge to appear perfect in front of others, and doc because people will gossip, olivier!

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - lion. he immediately called doc into the room and asked “is this your stash of drug money?” doc, who had been asleep because it was 3 in the morning on a saturday, just stares at him

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - it is so bold to assume they don’t shower together to “cut costs”

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - lion is known in their neighborhood as the man who walks cats. there is a facebook page where people post pictures of him walking his cats. vigil is an admin

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - LITERALLY EVERY HOLIDAY GETS DECORATIONS. lion makes his own for the muslim holidays since there really aren’t many “of good quality” in stores. when they first started dating, doc came home to find his house covered in ramadan decorations, and lion standing precariously on a ladder, trying to string up fairy lights while learning how to pronounce important arabic words. needless to say, doc cries

What are their goals for the relationship? - mutual joy and contentment!!!! 

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - doc. he’s sleepy

Who plays the most pranks? - lion, but they’re stupid ones like replacing certain pictures with danny devito. doc gets back at him by replacing pictures of jesus with ewan mcgregor, and putting yoda into his nativity scene. lion doesn’t notice

[p-and-p-admin]

Interview given to The Severus Snape and Hermione Granger Shipping Fan Group.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/199718373383293/

Hello CorvusDraconis and welcome to Behind the Quill, thank-you so much for sitting down with us to chat.

You’re a well known and beloved figure in the SS/HG community for your many stories - including a personal favourite of mine, A chance for happiness.

Okay, let’s jump right in. What's the story behind your pen name? 

I have always had a fascination for the shiny things and the Northwest Coast depictions of Raven the Trickster/Creator, and, I tend to hoard (and get super protective) of my art supplies. Corvids have always been a positive sign in my life. They tend to show up when I’m feeling down and engage in funny antics in the yard. As for dragons, I’ve always had a love for them and think the Western depiction of them as dangerous beasts with no mind but for hoarding treasure and killing people only to be slain by a knight quite despicable. 

Which Harry Potter character do you identify with the most?

Severus, actually. I see a lot of my life in his. Hardships, challenges, bullying— trying to be something better and later wondering about unwise decisions. I have a very similar dislike for dunderheads, but I do not share his inclination to denude rosebushes of their petals. Do you have a favourite genre to read? (not in fic, just in general) I have always preferred fantasy and sci-fi. 

Do you have a favourite "classic" novel?

I am not sure if you would call it a classic novel, but grew up on all things Tolkien (and even puzzled through the Silmarillion at the grand age of seven), and have a special place in my heart for Watership Down. While I’ve read pieces like War and Peace, Iliad, Ulysses, Pride and Prejudice, Grapes of Wrath, Moby Dick, Great Gatsby, Little Women, Catcher in the Rye, Tom Sawyer/Huckleberry Finn, Scarlet Letter, Don Quixote, To Kill a Mockingbird, Animal Farm, Jane Eyre, Lord of the Flies, Tale of Two Cities, Heart of Darkness, Robinson Crusoe, Alice in Wonderland, Great Expectations, Odyssey, Frankenstein, Dracula, Crime and Punishment, Heart of Darkness, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, The Secret Garden, Treasure Island, Anne of Green Gables, Les Misérables, Peter Pan, Gulliver’s Travels, all things Jack London, 20000 Leagues, etc.— they never captured me as aptly as Anne McCaffery’s Dragonriders of Pern or Mercedes Lackley’s the Last Herald Mage. Though, if I were to pick classic stories I read more than once (litmus test for things I like) it would be things such as The Secret Garden, Call of the Wild, Wild Fang, The Hobbit, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe,  and The Last Unicorn. At what age did you start writing? The moment I could pick up pencil and paper, I was writing. I had notepads full of stories I wrote as a kid. Alas, my dad found them one day when I was off to college, made fun of them, and I came home and burned every single one in mortification.

How did you get into writing fanfiction?

The moment TV shows did “stupid things” to their characters. I used to write things about Beauty and the Beast (the old CBS show) when they killed off the main character, Knight Rider, Robocop, Transformers— there are probably far more that I just don’t remember now. I was writing it long before there was a fanfiction dot net or a term to even call it. What's the best theme you've ever come across in a fic? Is it a theme represented in your own works? I am a shameless romantic for the beauty within and sometimes the quite literal love for a monster (not just some person who acts like a monster and changes into a better person.) The misunderstood monster is perhaps my most favourite theme, and it shows up in my stories often if not always. What fandoms are you involved in other than Harry Potter? I ship SessKag from Inuyasha, Lucard/Sophie from Dracula: The Series, and Loki/Hermione when I’m feeling crossover-y. If you could make one change to canon, what would it be? Do you have a favourite piece of fanon? Other than my favourite fanon that Severus lives/survives/finds a better life free of two masters and his guilt, I would say I would want Harry to wise the heck up and realise his father was a swine, his godfather was an almost successful murderer that used his own best mate to try and kill off another student, and his mother wasn’t all that hot either. I would want him to find value in himself without having to make stuff up about his “perfect” parents. Then again, I would want Vernon/Petunia to be arrested for child abuse and put in gaol, but— then the story would have been very different XD Do you listen to music when you write or do you prefer quiet?  Sometimes quiet, sometimes music. But usually, I am best mates with Spotify.

What are your favourite fanfictions of all time?

In the HP universe: I honestly don’t read many of them because I’m always writing my own stuff XD, but when I really feel like I need a good Ron bashing SSHG HEA, I read just about anything by IShouldBeWritingSomethingElse. However, that being said, I often return to “The Sun is Often Out” by Hannah-1888 for just the right amount of angst and HEA to make me happy.

In the Inuyasha universe: A Trick of Fate by PristinelyUngifted

In the Marvel universe:  Mutual Respect Sends His Regrets by moor

In the Star Trek universe:  Gratified By Your Company by starfleetdream

Are you a plotter or a pantser? How does that affect your writing process?

I go by the seat of my feathered rump, to be honest. Inspiration is a fickle, unpredictable beast, and I usually don’t know what is going to happen until it does.

What is your writing genre of choice?

Fantasy

Which of your stories are you most proud of? Why?

Chance of Happiness because it was my very first publication. It may not have been my best, but it was my first, and it very well could have been my last yet somehow wasn’t.

Looks Can Be Deceiving and One Step Forward, Two Decades Back are two epic tales that seemed to demand being written. The fact I finished them was something I think deserves a little pride.

Did it unfold as you imagined it or did you find the unexpected cropped up as you wrote? What did you learn from writing it?

Looks started off with me attempted to write Dramione just once. It failed. Draco demanded to be her brother of the heart, Viktor came in and said “nope she’s mine,” and no one was more surprised at the outcome of that story than me. The characters did what THEY wanted.

I learned that trying to plan a story from start to finish is useless when the characters decide what they want. The story demanded more, and I was just a conduit that typed it down. For me, at least, attempting to outline and plan is utterly useless

How personal is the story to you, and do you think that made it harder or easier to write?

I think every story I write is personal in some way. The inspiration comes from somewhere inside, and I often have no idea what it is until I go back and read it later. I think the story wrote itself in a lot of ways, which made it easier in a way, but there are a lot of things I can’t say were from personal experience because as a high fantasy of talking gryphons and such I can only imagine it. There is no basis in real life on how any of that would go down. There is a freedom in that but also many challenges in making it real enough to identify with despite how alien and fantastic the idea is.

What books or authors have influenced you? How do you think that shows in your writing?

Dragonriders of Pern introduced sentient dragons and the idea that despite a vast difference in species there could be teamwork and love between the two as they teamed up against a greater threat.

The herald-mage books by Mercedes Lackley were also important staples in my childhood because it impressed the values of responsibility despite having powers others did not, and that people were fallible despite greatness and potential.

Gandalara Cycle by Randall Garrett and Vicki Ann Heydron: I cannot tell you how often I read this story. I had dog ears on these novels because there was so much I loved about them. It was a search for humanity when displaced in a seemingly alien world, societal clashes, and the great sha’um (the giant rideable cats) that were the main characters’ partners for life.  

 The Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia C Wrede: A princess rebels against her arranged marriage by running away to be a dragon princess.

All of these books had creatures in it that chose to partner with a human and be with them for life, not as lovers that you find in the more modern supernatural romance blender out there, but the ultimate friend for life— the family you choose.

Do people in your everyday life know you write fanfiction?

Oh heck no. Hah. They have their secrets, and I have mine. Personally, I think mine are more healthy than theirs.

How true for you is the notion of "writing for yourself"? 

Very.

I write for myself. Sometimes I’ll write a story for one of my betas or a sshg friend, but for the most part, I write for my own entertainment because nothing like what I write is out there. There is a lot of SSHG out there, but mine is almost always a creature feature story. I blame X-Files growing up. It tickles me that others enjoy my stories, but in the end I write to get things down and out of my head. They just so happen to entertain others as they do me.

How important is it for you to interact with your audience? How do you engage with them? Just at the point of publishing? Through social media?

I will often engage in A/N talk at the end of chapters, but I really don’t engage in the fandom. I loathe social media. That being said, I read every review, and while I don’t reply to everything because FF dot net is a horrible platform for messaging anymore (or ever was really)-- I appreciate every single one. Sometimes it helps to know people are enjoying the story for the story’s sake.

What is the best advice you've received about writing?

Get a beta, even if you are pretty good at writing. Get one because a second pair of eyes will catch things you don’t. Read your own stuff out loud. If you trip over it, your audience will too. If you stumble, so will they.

Get a beta who isn’t afraid to tell you that your shite stinks in places and you make no sense. You may want a cheerleader, but what you need is a beta. If you are super lucky, you can have both at once.

What do you do when you hit writer's block?

I play computer games and sew things. I’ve sewn a lot of things lately. Scrub caps and masks for work— 

There has been a lot of writer’s block lately due to the times, and I will not write when I’m uninspired. I will not force inspiration. That’s not fair to me or those unfortunate enough to share in the reading. I want to be able to go back on a story I wrote and enjoy it and not curse at myself. XD

Has anything in real life trickled down into your writing?

Sometimes certain catch phrases and things from real life friends have trickled in as a sort of Easter egg (unbeknownst to them since I don’t tell them I write fanfic). Sometimes random news stories or whatnot find their way in. Lessons of the day. Random events. Things that are too odd not to stick in my brain somehow. I can’t say I always do it on purpose, though.

Do you have any stories in the works? Can you give us a teaser?

No, I have a goal this year to finish off the unfinished stories. This is made harder because Dragon and the Rose keeps adding more and more bunnies into the idea bin, and my brain wants to run with them, but I’m like NO DANGIT, I HAVE STUFF TO FINISH STILL!  It’s a hard thing trying to finish what you start when so much interesting stuff pops up and waves at you like “heeeeeyyyyy I’m cool too!”

Any words of encouragement to other writers?

Keep writing but remember you can always be better. You can always improve.  Writing isn’t a popularity contest. It isn’t about how many reviews you get or how many fans you may or may not have. Write because you want to write. Write what you like not what other people like. Write for you because in the end, you are the one who goes back to read it and say “I wrote this story, and I still love it” instead of forcing yourself to write something just because the topic is “popular” and gets a lot of visitors. Write something you’ll be proud to go back and read and enjoy. You’ll find when you write something genuinely, readers will come. And if only one person leaves you a paragraph review on how much your story meant to them out of someone else’s hundreds of  “great!” (with nothing else)-- think of what you value more.

If my story helped someone through a dark time.

Just one person—

Then it was a good effort.

Maybe that person didn’t have the bravery to leave a message. Maybe they are ashamed. Maybe they send you a PM instead of a review.

That is, to me, the ultimate reason why I realised that despite writing stories for myself that there are people out there that needed to hear my story at just the right time in their life. If my story can bring a little joy to someone else, then it doesn’t matter how many reviews I have. It doesn’t matter that I don’t have thousands of reviews like “that other author.” What matters is that I told my story; someone out there read it and it spoke to them.

I love hearing from people and what they liked about my stories, but I also am glad that there are some people out there who secretly like my stories but do not feel safe enough to review.

So, I would say to the aspiring author: write for yourself but share it. You never know whose day you will make with your story. They may never tell you. They may tell you years later (happened to me!). There is a good chance that someone out there needs your story as much as you need to write it. That being said, find yourself a beta to share your journey with you. You may find a few friend in the process.

Thanks so much for giving us your time.

You are quite welcome.