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all4aoki · 5 months

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⊹ 𝓢END 𝓐 𝓢IGNAL ⠀Ꮺ ָ࣪ ۰ ִ

you hated change, but maybe it was necessary for your happiness . . . enha x f!reader (pjs focused), poly!enha, enha8thmember

wc . . . 13.1k , warnings! my poor attempts of writing angst, cheating / talks of cheating, mentions of kidnapping & death, rushed writing, me guessing stuff about being an idol, not proofread

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©all4aoki, 2024

Something was wrong. Not the kind of wrong that settled heavily in your gut and told you that you needed to remove yourself from the situation, but the kind that started as a small voice in your brain and morphed into something you thought about constantly. Which was strange to you. Promotions for Border: Day One were finally coming to an end and the preparations for your group’s next mini album had already begun, so while the stress of your job hadn’t fully gone away, you didn’t think it was the cause of your intuition going haywire

That feeling would only rear its ugly head where it was unwanted when you would watch them interact. Normally, when the male members of Enhypen spent time together, love was the only emotion you could sense. Fondness. Joy. Whatever you wanted to call it, it didn’t make you feel uneasy. But recently, when you saw Sunghoon and Jay together, a part of your mind related them to a ticking time bomb. The reason was unclear, but the way their eyes shined with a kind of passive aggressiveness when the other wasn’t looking and the fact that they had been only communicating with each other in short sentences since a week ago screamed unhealthy to you. After all, you had never seen them engage in what you assumed to be a fight. And since you were such a good girlfriend, you were going to stay out of it until Sunghoon said something to you.

Besides, resolving tensions was Jungwon’s job.

“I think you’ve developed a staring habit,” Sunoo said from beside you on the couch. You blinked away from the video game the eldest four of the group were playing on the TV.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “What’d you mean?”

“What do you mean, ‘What do you mean’?” He continued eating the ice cream that had somehow found its way into your fridge one day. “I swear every time I look at you now you’re spacing out.”

Well, to be fair, you were trying to put the pieces of some kind of puzzle together. “I was just thinking–” you hesitated, but quickly concluded that if anyone would shut down your worries speedily, it would be Sunoo. You lowered your voice to a whisper, “Do you think Hoon and Jay-oppa are mad at each other?”

The two boys in question were sitting on the floor, a large amount of distance and Heeseung between them.

Sunoo didn’t say anything.

“Mmm… you know something, don’t you?” you giggled as he shrugged and took another bite from his dessert. “Tell meee,” you whined, throwing yourself onto Sunoo’s lap only for him to (somewhat) gently push you off and onto the floor.

The thud of your landing made seven other heads snap in your direction.

“Sunoo-ah did you just push my girlfriend off the couch?” Sunghoon asked, getting up quickly and taking the short five steps to your spot on the floor. You sat up easily and rubbed the back of your head to make sure nothing hurt.

The rest of your members were unsurprised when Sunghoon and you announced your relationship. Maybe you two hadn’t done the best job of hiding it, but you still thought that with the debut, they wouldn’t have noticed anything. Turns out the way Sunghoon looked at you, as if you hung the moon and stars, and how you had barely let him out of your grasp were clear indicators of your relationship. So after a few weeks of being together, and when you were sure you were never getting away from the honeymoon phase, the two of you had sat the rest of the members down only to be met with: “Oh we already knew.”

Sunghoon kneeled down next to you, one of his hands coming up to meet yours on the back of your head and the other wrapping around your waist. His fingers rubbed against the silky strands of your hair as he felt for any kind of forming bump.

“He didn’t push me that hard,” you reassured. “I’m fine. Promise.”

You tried to disregard the concerned looks and Heeseung’s request for he himself to look at your head. In an attempt to distract yourself, you took Sunghoon’s hand from the back of your hand and tenderly placed a kiss on his palm, then on the corner of his mouth after shifting onto your knees.

“M’ not a baby,” you said, ruffling his hair before sliding over to the base of the couch. Your feet crossed under you as you settled between Jay and Sunoo, who was still unphased on the sofa.

Riki scoffed from his spot on the furniture, in the far right corner, “Get a room!”

Sunghoon responded with a roll of his eyes.

He followed you to your new position on the floor, pushing at your legs so he could lay on his back between them. You complied, dropping them straight and letting him rest his head back on your stomach. Sunghoon at some point had gotten his controller back as well, and for a few minutes, there was silence apart from the shooting and violence of the video game.

The game was quick to become boring and you reached behind you, hand blindly searching for your phone. Thankfully, Sunoo placed the device right in your grip before you would’ve had to ask Sunghoon to sit up for you to look.

“Thanks, Sun,” you whispered to him and he smiled softly at you. When you turned your eyes away from him, glancing to your right, there was Jay. His jaw was set in a form that looked too tense to be comfortable and his knuckles white from holding onto the controller with a hand that was probably too tight.

Yeah, something was definitely wrong.

You felt something shift against your stomach and you looked down to realize that Sunghoon had been looking up at you. He had been watching you study one of his best friends who was sitting a little too close to you for him to not feel a bit antsy. A small grumble left him with a choice of words you couldn’t comprehend and then Sunghoon was forcing one of your hands into his luxurious-feeling locks. Out of instinct, you ran your fingernails along his scalp in an attempt to calm him down.

You had kept your interference between the male members and their conflicts to a minimum, in firm belief that they were mature enough to sort out their differences, but there was a part of you that kept tempting you to do something this time.

Rarely did they need help, and you figured that they wouldn’t ask for it unless it was absolutely necessary. In fact, they honestly might not ask for help at all, pride and ego being traits that were still overwhelmingly strong in their personalities. And while you didn’t want them to be angry at you for trying to extend an assisting hand, you didn’t want the people you loved fighting each other either. So, maybe you didn’t have to do anything. Asking wouldn’t hurt. That way, you would at least be aware of whatever was going on between the two boys. Then you would be able to decide what to do.

Nodding a bit to yourself, you twisted your head to be directed towards the elder male on your right. “After this round can you help me make some food?”

Jay’s eyes snapped over to you, and you were surprised at the sharpness they held. Was he angry at you too? Your confidence in your plan faltered at his reaction to your request. Subconsciously, you shrunk away from him, your eyes suddenly unable to meet his for more than a few seconds.

“Sorry, I was just hungry.”

Jay blinked slowly and tilted his head to the side as he went back to the game, “Of course, we can make something. Don’t apologize if you’re hungry.” Somehow that made you feel worse.

Sunghoon moved against your belly again, “Let me make something for you.” Normally, you would’ve gladly accepted the offer, but you felt as if you needed to talk to Jay. It was weird, you’d never played the mediator before. Usually, you would stand off to the side and watch everything unfold, only interjecting when necessary, but maybe it was time that you began trying to help your loved ones in more ways than one.

You smiled down at Sunghoon, his head pressing into the soft skin of your stomach as he craned his head back at you. “Thank you, Hoon, but I want an edible meal.”

“Yah, I can cook!” he pouted and you cooed at the cute expression. Your thumbs ran over the smooth expanse of his cheeks and he leaned into your touch.

Prickles of heat on the right side of your body began to rise and at the feeling, you glanced over your shoulder to find Jay staring at the two of you.

“Jay-oppa can make me something, Hoon.”

“Yeah, Hoon, let Jay-oppa make YN-ie something.” You didn’t like how he emphasized the two boys’ names. Especially with the way Sunghoon sharply tilted his head towards his elder. If you could’ve seen his eyes, you figured they would be burning with some kind of anger considering the way his muscles tensed.

For a moment, the only sounds that met your ears were the quiet conversation the other members were having, the TV in the background, and the video Sunoo was watching as he undoubtedly eavesdropped on the three of you.

“Mmm, okay,” Sunghoon sighed as he turned away from Jay, facing the television and placing his elbows on the outside of your legs. Harshly, he pulled your limbs closer to his sides with his arms and you almost yelped at the way your legs slid on the ground.

His thumbs rattled the buttons and joysticks with an alarming speed, “As long as I get to feed you when he’s done cooking, princess.”

Your face scrunched up in confusion and maybe a hint of disgust at his words. Feed you? What was he saying? Sunghoon was well aware of your love for your independence, and while you’d slowly been allowing him to take care of you in ways that you previously hadn’t wanted, he should’ve known that you could do basic human functions.

“What’re you…” you softly muttered to yourself, but ultimately gave up on your point. You cleared your throat quickly, shifting your attention back to Jay. “Do we still have stuff for bibimbap?”

“I don’t want bibimbap!” Jake cried from the other side of the room.

You laughed, “Then you don’t have to have any!”

“Yeah, I’m just making food for YN-ie and me to eat,” Jay added.

“And me,” Sunghoon said. You mentally cursed him. Of course, you loved the boy more than anything else in the world, but there shouldn’t have been a reason as to why he wasn’t letting you spend one-on-one time with another member. Especially not Jay.

The elder had been there for you as soon as Part 2 of I-Land began, almost acting as some sort of caregiver. Brother definitely wasn’t the right word, he was always too nice and a tad bit too nervous to engage in any sort of sibling-like banter. Friend for sure. He was always the one checking up on you after those first weeks, making sure you were tending to your needs and doing it for you if you admitted you hadn’t.

If Sunghoon should’ve had the most trust in any of the members for your well-being, it should’ve been Jay. But now he was engaging himself in every instance of alone time you had with Jay.

Your fingers stroked his face again, relishing in the warmth that radiated from his body, “Didn’t you just eat?”

He chuckled, “I’m always hungry.”

“Don’t they need you here to play the game?”

“I’m sure they’ll manage.” So he wasn’t going to relent this time. “It’s starting to sound like you don’t want to spend time with me!” Sunghoon teased playfully. You did your best to act like he hadn’t caught your plan of action to solve this cold war-esque fight.

Suddenly, your face felt warm. “Hoon, that’s not true. I don’t want you to overeat–”

“Wow,” Sunoo said from above you.

You glared at him from over your shoulder, “Hush.” The boy simply shrugged. “You know what, I actually can’t wait.” As gently and lovingly as you could manage, you lifted Sunghoon’s upper body off of you and laid him back on the ground as you stood up.

You offered a hand to Jay.

His dark eyes flickered between your outstretched palm and your boyfriend that was spread out on the tile, Sunghoon’s own eyes studying you as if you were some sort of goddess. It looked like he was thinking about something, but before you could try to deduce what, Jay’s rough palm slid into your hand as he got up.

Even when you tried to tug away, his fingers held your smaller ones tight.

“I was asking for your controller,” you muttered, taking the item from his other hand and tossing it to Sunoo. “Here, Sun, you play.”

Sunoo whined a bit, but made room in his hands for the device, balancing what little remained of his ice cream against the object. Sunghoon nudged your ankle with his hand and you instantly found him.

A soft smile was swift to grace your lips and his small grin matched yours.

“I love you,” you said and Jay moved behind you, pulling you towards the kitchen. A chorus of “I love you too” followed, Sunghoon yelling how your words were meant for him being the last thing you heard before you were left in mediocre silence with the older male in the kitchen.

For a while, nothing was said. Your throat felt clogged every time you thought you were finally going to say something. It was almost embarrassing how you couldn’t find the comfort that was usually there when you spoke to Jay. It had been routine for everything to be so easy between the two of you and you weren’t sure when that’d changed.

Silently, you slid into one of the chairs at the island that Jay was now using to prep your requested dish.

“Do you want to help?” he asked, beginning to prepare the rice. You shrugged and pulled the cutting board that he’d gotten out to your side of the island.

“If you need it so bad, sure.” He glanced at you from over his shoulder. Snarkily, you smiled at him. And as he got the package of shredded carrots out of the fridge, you began cutting up the cucumber.

Jay furrowed his eyebrows and leaned on the counter, “I’m not sure if I like that cutting technique you’re using.”

“I thought you wanted me to help,” you said, popping one of the slices into your mouth and chewing.

Jay slipped the cutting board away from you as quickly as you had taken it, “Sorry Kendall Jenner, but I don’t want you losing a finger.” You pouted at his words, face scrunching up as he voiced his playful doubt.

“Hey…” you whined as he gently took hold of the wrist of the hand that was holding the knife, taking the tool from you. “I’m never gonna get better at cooking if you don’t let me try!”

He chuckled at your reaction, chopping up the rest of the vegetable and handing you a few pieces as he did so. You ate them, but not without frowning at him as he gave you each one.

“Don’t need you hurting yourself though,” he explained. “And when I teach you to cook we would be making a nice meal. Something they would serve at an expensive restaurant.”

The thought of him instructing you, getting closer than he normally would, whispering to you as you both shared laughter made your face flush. The alarming sensation of butterflies in your gut suddenly rushed over you. It was a feeling that you only got with Sunghoon. A feeling that you were only supposed to get with Sunghoon. You brushed it off. You were thinking about Sunghoon, that was probably why you suddenly felt that good kind of nervousness. The one that was one of the many reasons that made you understand why being in love was so wonderful. Something that made life so enjoyable.

You did your best to smile, pushing down whatever had found its way into your gut.

“I don’t think I have the patience to work on something for that long.”

“Well, you do it every day. As your job, so the least you could do is spend some time with me.” One more cucumber. You took it halfheartedly.

“Yeah… I’m sorry I haven’t been hanging out with you guys as often as I used to but I’ve been trying to–”

“Be with Sunghoon,” Jay finished for you. As a response, you nodded. The timer for the rice went off, and Jay slowly spun around to get the food. The smell of comfort filled the space, and you sunk a bit into the hardness of your seat. “I just can’t believe that he thinks it’s okay for you to be with him 24/7 because you’re…”

He couldn’t even finish his sentence.

“Dating?”

“Yeah,” Jay agreed right away. You watched as he retrieved two bowls from one of the cupboards and began assembling the bibimbap for the two of you. After those words, it was easy to piece together that he was angry at Sunghoon because you’d been spending all of your free time with him. And honestly, that made you angry.

Of course you were going to spend time with your boyfriend. While you still wanted to keep your friendships with the rest of the members strong, you were going to prioritize the boy you were in love with because, well, you were in love with him.

You cleared your throat awkwardly, “Is that why you’ve been so passive-aggressive with him lately?” Jay said nothing as he moved to the end of the table to retrieve two pairs of chopsticks.

“Don’t worry about whatever small fight we’re having,” Jay said, giving you a close-lipped smile as he handed you the bowl of food that you’d been supposedly craving. “We’ll get past it soon. We’re just like brothers… and it’s a small misunderstanding.”

Gently, you blew on the food before you brought a mouthful to your lips, humming as you chewed. He was probably right. The boys had had small arguments and miscommunications before, and it never took them extremely long before they made up. They loved each other too much to fight for that long. And they probably already had separation anxiety from each other, like you did. You always felt guilty whenever you were mad at one of the other members. At first, anger would drive your actions and thoughts, but the culpability would never be far behind, and you were never able to hold a grudge or stay in a fight for more than two or three days.

Maybe you forgave people too easily, or maybe you just had the blessing of empathy.

“Well,” you started, stirring your food around with the metal chopsticks. “If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.” Jay grinned at you, his mouth full of the hot bibimbap.

“Just don’t forget about the rest of us, okay?” He reached over and instinctively, you leaned back, dodging his touch. “Relax, you have sauce on your mouth,” he laughed and you tried to do the same as he wiped the corner of your lips with his thumb. Something in your chest sped up.

Your shocked expression must’ve been extremely amusing to the older male because as he slipped the thumb with the gochujang sauce into his mouth, he couldn’t help but laugh again.

You shouldn’t have listened to Jay.

While he almost always knew what he was talking about, somehow having just a bit more wisdom than the rest of you and not hesitating to use it, apparently, he had no idea that this whole scenario was worse for Sunghoon. You had left the subject of his growing tensions with Jay to rest, figuring that you were doing the right thing by letting them fix things on their own. Especially after your interaction with Jay in the kitchen.

You had slowly begun returning to your old ways of spreading your time out equally with all of the members. Eating breakfast with all of them instead of hole-ing yourself up in your room with Sunghoon and going out with the members one-on-one. Not to say you were ignoring them in the first place, you still had been with them for the majority of your days, but having the opportunity to connect with them on a personal level again was making a part of you feel whole again. It was weird to think about. Your heart was already so full and content when you were with Sunghoon, and you knew that being with him was more than enough for your happiness. But that happiness increased tenfold with the rediscovered relationships of you and your other members.

You hadn’t even noticed that you’d somewhat been isolating yourself with Sunghoon.

But apparently, this sudden change in your everyday routine was enough to send him over the edge.

The two of you had yet to sleep in separate beds since you got together, and it had become a nightly ritual for the two of you to get ready for bed together. It was an intimate way to end the day and being with him calmed all of the worries and stresses that you’d dealt with for all of the hours that you’d been awake. Laughing with him was so easy and it was adorable the way he’d sit on the closed toilet while waiting for you to finish your skincare.

And as you both entered the bathroom, you found yourself repeating that same phrase that had become your mantra for the past week: something was wrong.

He was quiet as you slipped on your headband and he stayed that way as you brushed your teeth, waiting for you to spit in the sink so he would have the space to do so as well. You studied him as you stood straight, left hand holding your hair back so you wouldn’t get any toothpaste in it. Sunghoon’s face was devoid of any emotion. Blank. But his eyes held a kind of annoyance that you’d rarely noticed before.

His movements were sharp with agitation as he turned the water on to wash the brushes, and you didn’t miss how he bit the inside of his cheek. You gaped for words. The last thing you wanted to do was make him even angrier, and considering you had yet to see Sunghoon this angry without him even saying anything, you weren’t quite sure how to comfort him. You weren’t that great at comforting people in the first place. Once again, you never really knew what to say, but that was what worked so well with you and Sunghoon. He never knew what to say either. You would hold each other and only share words to explain after your severe emotions had passed like the worst of a storm.

This didn’t feel like that. It was almost as if he was waiting for you to say something, to provoke him. He’d been bottling up his frustration with the rest of your members for so long that he was ready to explode. And at that moment, you knew he wanted to explode at you.

“What’s wrong?” you finally asked, voice meek. No eye contact was made as Sunghoon sighed deeply, not even bothering to lift his head in your direction.

“Nothing.”

You wanted to groan, to roll your eyes at his stubbornness, but you reminded yourself to have patience or nothing good would come from this conversation. “That’s not true, Hoon… I love you and if something’s bothering you–”

“Do you?” You looked at the back of his head, face scrunching a bit in confusion. Before you could say anything he continued, “Still love me?”

“What?!” you half laughed, which you immediately regretted. “What is this nonsense? Why would I not love you, Hoon.”

His hands on the sink shook a bit and he closed his fingers around the edge to stop the jittering. “Why have you been– have been avoiding me all week?”

“I haven’t been avoiding you,” you instantly denied. “We’ve been doing everything we normally do–”

“No–” he cut himself off, clearing something in his throat and for a split second it almost sounded like he was choking down a sob. “We haven’t had a meal with just each other once. I don’t think we’ve had a conversation for this long since Sunday and do you remember that coffee date we were supposed to go on yesterday?”

Your heart dropped and the tears came almost instantaneously.

How could you have forgotten that?

“That’s what I thought,” Sunghoon laughed, sounding watery as he finally pushed himself away from the sink to face you. Your stomach was made of wet sand and you couldn’t bear to look at him. “And you skipped it–” he was blinking harshly now, one of his index fingers pointing at you. “To watch a movie with Jay.”

You were crying now, tears making little streams down your face and you reached for your boyfriend. He pushed your hands away quickly.

“Hoon at least let me apologize!”

“No! You don’t even deserve to be the one crying right now!” He was shouting now and the loud sounds made you shrink back from him. He didn’t even acknowledge it. “I’m the one that deserves to be upset! The guy that has a crush on my girlfriend convinced her that she was neglecting everyone else when she was just neglecting me!”

You shouldn’t have listened to Jay. He had lied to you.

“Sunghoon I didn’t know, please–” You tried to take hold of his face again but he caught your hands, refusing your touch again. “Jay doesn’t like me! And even if he did, I love you. Not him–”

“It doesn’t matter!” Your wrists shook with his movements. “It’s too late. I was stupid to think that I would get to have you to myself when you act like that all the time.”

“Act like what?” you spat at him. Your faces were inches apart now and you could see that a few trails of water had slipped from Sunghoon’s own beautiful eyes too. The urge to wipe them away and kiss his face almost overpowered your growing exasperation.

“Like you’re their girlfriend too! Like you would choose them over me!–”

“Sunghoon stop it!”

You tugged your hands away from him, fed up with how he wasn’t actually listening to what you had to say. An uncomfortable silence found its way into the bathroom like a ghost. Only then did you realize how quiet the rest of the dorm was too. Which meant that everyone had probably heard you and Sunghoon fighting. Great.

He huffed, irritation clear even in the small action.

“Have some respect.”

His shoulder hit yours as he pushed past you to the bathroom exit, swinging the door open without a second glance back. You could only listen as his footsteps made their way down the hallway and a door slammed loudly after they’d slowed to a stop.

You needed to get out.

In a much quieter fashion than Sunghoon, you slipped out of the bathroom and made a beeline for the exit. And to your confirmation, Heeseung, Jay, and Jake were sitting in the living room, not muttering a single word as you stormed past the room to the door. You didn’t even feel their eyes on you as you tossed on a random pair of slippers and tugged on a coat that probably wasn’t even yours.

“YN-ah, wait!–” one of them finally called, although you weren’t sure which one it was since you were outside in the cold before they could say anything else.

Something inside of you must’ve disconnected as you walked down the driveway and along the street, not sure where you were going, but it felt so good to be by yourself for once that you didn’t really care. But as you left the neighborhood and entered the portion of Seoul that was maybe a few miles away from the dorm, you were back to thinking.

And the question that stood out among the rest was: why was your best never enough? Why didn’t people understand that you were trying?

Then the sobbing started. Your hands gingerly found their way to your elbows as you hugged yourself to try and find some comfort in the cold weather. Part of your brain tried to alert you that you were an idol out in public with no bodyguards, crying and out after 9 p.m. on a Saturday, but your heart and eyes didn’t listen. Your steps had decreased in speed and you were now shuffling along the sidewalk.

Exhaustion wasn’t far behind you. The strength of which you’d been pouring your feelings out had taken a toll on you, and as you hiccuped for the final time, a headache settled in. And after that, reality followed.

Everyone was probably worried about where you had run off to. Considering you didn’t have a phone, they had no way of reaching you until you decided you wanted to go back to the dorm. Which, honestly, you didn’t have a problem with. While being comforted was always welcome and a majority of the time necessary to truly calm you down, you realized that this moment to yourself was another thing that’d been missing from your life for weeks. Your brain finally had a moment of silence for itself, and as the late January wind blew across your maskless face, the coolness was refreshing.

Alone time had always been important for you. For your social battery to recover, for you to feel like yourself, and for you to not lose your wits. But in this lifestyle you’d chosen, it was rare for you to be left by yourself. Your members often understood that you needed a second to breathe to function properly, but for the past week, you’d been so busy trying to give your attention back to them that you’d been ignoring your own needs.

If only you’d recognized that, maybe you wouldn’t have forgotten about your date with Sunghoon. Or you could’ve realized how everyone else was feeling.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw a metal bench, devoid of any people. Your feet were tired as you brought yourself over to the seat and plopped down, muscles relaxing instantly at the chance for rest. The fresh air was doing wonders for you too. Focus was seeping back into your head and with each inhale and exhale, your headache began to dissipate. Gently, you closed your eyes, not even bothering to worry about if anyone saw you. A freshly debuted idol who already had a decent amount of fame, with dried tears on her cheeks sitting in the middle of a random strip of stores.

Naturally, after you’d taken yet another moment to cool off and regather your emotions, the first thing you thought about was Sunghoon.

Making up with him was the first thing you needed to do when you got back. Apologize for the mistake you’d made and hope that he would forgive you before you both went to bed angry at each other, which was something your mother had warned you to never do in a relationship. You knew that he was an understanding person who was truly sensitive deep down. Especially when it came to people he loved. Sunghoon’s first impulse was to protect. And that applied to both those he cared about and himself.

His lashing out at you was just one of his ingrained reactions to defend himself from hurt. And you hated that you had made him feel that way. You’d hurt him.

You also knew that you both were very mature people. After all, you had to be considering the industry you were in. Talking to him was often all he asked for. He didn’t need gifts or ornate gestures as an apology, just a way to speak about things so you both could understand what had happened and how to properly deal with it in the future.

This pondering had strangely made you feel a bit better. A small lightness in your chest made you feel hopeful that this would all be nothing but a story to laugh at within the next few days. Or probably weeks. This first fight was something you needed to be careful with until both you and Sunghoon had wholly moved on from it.

You had no idea how long you’d been gone, but you didn’t want to head back anytime soon. Nervousness or anxiety about seeing your boyfriend again wasn’t what kept you perched on the chilly iron of the bench. Rather, the opportunity for you to reconnect with yourself and be at peace–

“YN!”

That would’ve never lasted that long considering how you might as well have just run away.

“YN,” Jay repeated as the sound of his voice got closer. He sounded out of breath. Slowly, you opened your eyes back up.

Puffs of air left his mouth in clouds of steam, thanks to the below-freezing weather, and he had to take a moment to presumably calm his racing heart before he was in your personal space. His arms gripped you tightly, fingers digging into the skin of your waist as he buried his face in your neck. The angle was awkward, considering how he was bent over strangely to embrace your sitting figure, but he ignored the slight stiffness that came with it to hold you. To relieve himself that you were there and you were okay.

The best you could do with your arms pinned to your sides was clumsily pat his right hip.

When he pulled away, hands shifting to grip your biceps almost painfully, the worry in his deep brown eyes had become something more displeased. You were already predicting what scolding would leave him.

“What were you thinking?!” You simply blinked at him, vision flicking around his face, taking in his pink cheeks and slightly runny nose and irises filled with intenseness. Your lack of response only spurred him on further, “Leaving without saying where you were going, without any of us for protection, without saying if you’re okay–”

“I’m fine.”

“God, you have everyone worried sick! Jungwon-ie had to call Sejin-hyung and now, everyone’s out looking for you… You have to be more careful, you could’ve gotten mobbed or– or kidnapped or even killed!–”

“You sound like my father,” you pouted. He huffed out what must’ve been a fake laugh as he turned his head to the side for a split second before taking the spot next to you on the bench. “And I don’t think anyone is trying to kill me.”

Jay looked back at your face, “I want to kill you right now.” He pulled you into his side, tugging your head to the space between his neck and shoulder. “Don’t do that again or we’re gonna have to lock you up or something.”

His bad joke drew a small giggle out of you. You felt his tautness lessen at the sensation.

“I’m serious, YN,” he said and his tone reflected his words almost a little too perfectly. “We heard you fight with Sunghoon and you were clearly upset–”

“I’m fine,” you repeated, fighting against his hold as you tilted your head back to look at his face. “I just couldn’t stay in that house.”

He frowned. “You could’ve talked to us though,” he said, and the hurt he spoke with made your heart clench for the millionth time that night with contrition. “You can trust us with anything. The last thing I want you to do is feel uncomfortable around me.”

You decided to ignore the change of subjects.

“I don’t want to sound selfish, but I really couldn’t.” You sighed, weight releasing from your shoulders as you cuddled back into Jay’s side. His chin rested on your hair. “Not when you guys were what we fought about.”

A beat of silence. You were really getting tired of that.

“Sunghoon-ie’s a wreck,” Jay finally said.

You didn’t know what to say, “I am too.” At some point, your breathing pace had synced with his and you enjoyed the sensation of being so connected to someone. “I hate fighting with him more than anything, it's just– I don’t know, it just feels so wrong… Does that make sense?”

Jay nodded against the top of your head.

“I know the feeling.”

You hesitated before continuing, “Hoon said something…” You trailed off and Jay repositioned himself again, leaning the two of you further back on the bench. “Never mind.”

“What?” he pushed.

“He said something about you liking me.” And with that, the pressure of agitation grew in the body against you once more. Cautiously, you drew yourself away from Jay. He didn’t fight you.

Jay’s face was stoic and you struggled to read whatever emotion he was experiencing. “When I told you you didn’t have anything to worry about, I meant it,” he said plainly. Your nose wrinkled and your eyebrows drew together.

“What?–” But Jay was pulling out his phone, dialing what you assumed to be your manager and therefore, a car to take you both back to the dorm. You didn’t stop him, tired of the night you’d had and the wide range of emotions you’d been put through.

In mere seconds a black SUV pulled up in the street beside you. Jay got up first, offering you a hand and you took it, him helping you off the seat and over to the vehicle. He opened the door for you, and you muttered a small “Thanks” as you clambered inside.

The cushioned seat was welcome after sitting on the hard material of the bench for so long, but the way that no one said anything in the short ride back to the house wasn’t. That alone time and silence that you’d longed for earlier was now making you twitch with discomfort. Where was the Jay that joked with you? The one that made you feel so much like yourself? In the pale moonlight that shined in through the car windows, he looked princely despite the dark circles under his eyes and ruffled hair. He didn’t move his eyes from watching the scenery pass by outside and you concluded that he was in deep thought about something.

As the car pulled into the driveway, your manager in the front seat gave you one final warning about leaving the house unsupervised and left the conversation with a good night. You said nothing. Opening the car door with more strength than you probably should’ve you hoped out and slammed it behind you, not waiting for Jay as you stomped up to the front door. You weren’t sure when your anger had returned, but you took it out on the keypad of the dorm, Jay coming to watch you mess up the code twice due to your annoyance which only shortened your self-restraint. After the second time, he reached around you to enter the four numbers and opened the entry for you.

Six other bodies rushed to you when you walked past the threshold and your hands shot up to try and block your body from the impending embrace. The last thing you wanted at that moment was to be touched by more than one pair of hands. Thankfully, Jay came to your rescue for one last time that night.

“Give her some space,” he said, shooing Jungwon away from your left side. “Let her go see Sunghoon-ie.” The whisper was meant for just Heeseung, who’d been the one standing closest to the hallway that contained all of the bedrooms.

The eldest nodded. “He’s in your room,” Heeseung said.

“Thank you,” you offered delicately. “Good night.”

“Night.” He shuffled to the side and you walked past them without a second thought, the only thing on your mind being your boyfriend.

The sharpness of their gaze on your back prickled your nerves as you reached for the doorknob. Composure was something that lacked as you creaked the door open just enough for you to slip through, shutting it behind you swiftly.

Sunghoon was curled up on your bed, facing the wall and with the way his shoulders were heaving, you could tell he was crying. He looked like a small child. It made your heart ache.

You toed out of your shoes, having forgotten to take them off at the front door and softly, you tip-toed over to the bed.

“Hi, Hoon,” you said as gently as possible, sliding your right hand over his arm as you used the other to set yourself down on the small space left on the mattress.

His head snapped to look at you and to your confirmation, his eyes were red, tears still brimming on his waterline.

“YN-ie…” Your other hand found the side of his head as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. His bottom lip quivered, “I’m sorry.” And then it was his turn to sob as he pushed his head against your stomach. Sunghoon echoed the words again. Then again. Then again, like a mantra. All you could do was curl over him, pressing your lips against the back of his neck and whisper reassurances against his skin.

“Breathe, Hoon,” you said, trying to get him to settle down. “Breathe with me. Please.” And then you were breathing in slowly, counting to four, and then exhaling in the same way. On your fourth deep breath, your palm on his back rose in time with your own lungs. Eventually, his whimpers stopped.

Your crewneck was wet now, but you didn’t care. Having him here with you, in your arms again as you comforted him was the only thing you could concentrate on.

“I thought you weren’t gonna come back,” Sunghoon finally said.

You cooed a bit at his words, “Nothing would stop me from coming back to you.”

His eyes peeked up at you from his place on your lap. And then in a blink, his forehead was against yours, his hands pulling you closer to his upright body, chest against chest. Sunghoon opened his mouth, getting ready to apologize. You kissed him before he could.

You were desperate as you both continued to pull each other as close as physically possible, tongues intertwining as a way of saying: “I’m here”. As much as you wanted to keep kissing him, there was no way you two could make up correctly if you did so. You pulled away to look at his puffy face, eyes and all. Your thumbs stroked the area under his lashes, wiping off the tears.

“Don’t you dare apologize.”

“I want to, though,” he said quickly. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you or– or said any of those words because I didn’t mean them and they didn’t help anything–”

“I forgive you,” you interjected. “I’m at fault too. I’m sorry that I didn’t notice how you were feeling, and I’m sorry that I forgot our date.” You both exchanged a weak laugh. “I didn’t mean to ignore you and I promise and I swear and I vow, cross my heart, all of it… That I won’t do it again.”

“I highly doubt that,” Sunghoon protested, but he was smiling softly. You adopted the same expression. “But I know that you’re going to do everything in your power to try and not to.”

You nodded furiously, “You’re going to get sick of me asking if you’ve gotten enough attention.”

He chuckled, “I’m sorry if I’ve been keeping you from spending time with the others. And I’m sorry that I made you feel bad about it.”

“We’re both trying to figure out relationships,” you said. “And how to balance them with our friendships… But we’re gonna work it out together.” Sunghoon stared at you intently, his whole attention on you as you spoke. “We aren’t done talking about this, but I am not mad at you.”

He cut you off, “I love you.” That last piece of concern in your emotions eased.

“I love you.”

The next morning you and Sunghoon had spent quite a bit of time talking everything through. Him sharing his worries about his possessiveness and how to get better with it and you sharing how his words did hurt you, but understanding his point of view and how you weren’t completely innocent in the situation. By the time the group was ready to leave for Enhypen’s schedules for the day, you and Sunghoon had successfully made up from your first fight, and the rest of the members (apart from Jay) had given you a small scolding on how much you’d scared them the previous night.

The rest of the day was easy. Finally, you’d regained your attentiveness to the group’s preparation for both the last of the award show performances as well as already the next upcoming mini album. You’d felt like yourself again as you laughed with Sangmi and Riki during your dance practices and gladly took the spot next to Sunghoon during the meeting you’d had that day to discuss future content. It was the recurring theme for the week, you finding yourself again, but it was welcome. Strangely enough, you hadn’t even realized that you’d become the persona of “Just Sunghoon’s Girlfriend”. Fitting that side of you while maintaining all of your own hobbies and relationships was something you could now feel yourself getting better at. And it only made you more and more joyful.

Sunghoon was happier as well. It was easy to tell with how he was reaching for time with the others now, and with his growing ability to share his troubles with you. Despite the changes in your relationship with him, for the better, many of your old habits stayed. You both still went on multiple dates a week (at least one of them being at a café), spent the nights together, slept on each other during car rides… the list went on. So it wasn’t abnormal for the members to find you both curled around each other on the couch when your list of to-dos for the day had been completed.

You were relaxed into Sunghoon’s side, legs thrown over his lap and talking his ear off about some cartoon you used to watch when you were little that he’d never heard of when Jay came into the living room.

“YN-ie,” he said, interrupting your chattering and causing both you and your boyfriend to look over in his direction. Jay was standing next to the front door, parka on and a black beanie hiding the majority of his still bleach-blond hair. “D’you still wanna learn how to cook?”

You nudged Sunghoon’s head with your own and peered over at him. He was still smiling, not a hint of discomfort on his face as he bumped your head back.

“Go,” he whispered to you. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Jay-hyung, you're doing me a favor,” Sunghoon suddenly spoke up. “Maybe by the time you’re back she’ll be tired of talking about Gravity Falls.”

You gasped and smacked Sunghoon’s chest lightly, “I’d never get tired of talking about Gravity Falls.”

He grabbed the hand that had just hit him and stuck his tongue out at you. You used your free hand to try and swat at his face but he just barely dodged you, swiftly taking hold of your right hand too. Sunghoon puckered his lips at you, “Kiss.”

“No please?”

“Please?–”

“Oh my god, get a room,” Jay said from his spot by the entryway. At his words, you leaned over and gave Sunghoon a quick peck before you were clambering off his lap, Sunghoon yelling out in faux pain as you did so.

“Is the car already here?” you asked as you approached Jay, him already holding a coat open for you to put on.

You turned so your back was facing him, and he helped you pull on the outerwear. “Yeah, so say your goodbyes.”

“Does this cooking involve me never seeing anyone again?” you joked, tugging your hair free from the space between the coat and your neck. Both of the boys laughed.

“Depends on how long it takes us to get these groceries,” Jay responded, opening the door for you as you pulled on your shoes.

You sighed, “Okay, okay. Bye, Hoon! Love you!”

The phrase was repeated back to you as you and Jay exited the dorms. The ride to the store market Jay had picked out was shorter than you thought it’d be and before the two of you could get too deep into your conversation, he was already helping you out of the car and starting along the vendors, bodyguard following closely behind the two of you.

“What are we making?” you questioned after passing by a vendor that was making Odeng for a couple that was wearing matching jackets. The sight made you wonder if that’s what you and Jay looked like–a couple.

He interrupted your thoughts, “Atlang.” You furrowed your eyebrows as your mouth dropped open a bit.

“Fish egg soup?”

“Don’t give me that look,” he said, barely moving his eyes to look at you. “You’re acting like you don’t breathe and sleep sushi.”

He had a point there.

“So I’m guessing we’re here for the fish eggs,” you continued.

“The myeongnan–” you rolled your eyes a little at his fancy terms, “and the gochujang paste. We have the vegetables and spices at home–”

“On your left!”

You were in Jay’s arms before you could process something whirring past you in a blur. His jacket was plush and cold between your fingers as you gripped onto him tightly and you were grateful that you hadn’t tripped over your own feet and taken you both down to the cement. A dryness caught in your throat when you recognized how close Jay’s face was to yours. Your brain felt empty as you stared at his warm brown eyes that seemed strong and ever-growing–his attention focused on the scooter that had almost just run you over.

That sudden adrenaline that always came after a close call never appeared in your veins, though. Because the only thing you could sense as you pulled him closer, hanging on tight and taking in the woody perfume that he’d been using lately, was calmness. Centered. Security. Surprise, at the fact that you were feeling these things.

“Idiot. Who rides a scooter in the middle of a marketplace?– God…” And then he was looking at you and that calmness was replaced with a rush of dopamine and the adrenaline you’d been waiting for. “Are you okay?”

Your tongue barely darted out to wet your lips as you stared at his own.

“Mhm,” you softly hummed and you were back on your feet before you could finish the sentence and process what was happening.

“Good, let’s go.”

What? At his change in attitude, you felt out of breath. Nonetheless, you followed him.

The rest of the shopping trip flew by. As the two (three, bodyguard– duh) of you strolled along the stands and vendors, searching for what you needed, you couldn’t help but get distracted by some of the items. A necklace that you didn’t have the money with you to buy, a scarf that you would’ve loved to give your sister for Christmas, and some delicious-looking tteokbokki that Jay wouldn't let you get.

“You’ll ruin your dinner!”

“Please! I’m starving.”

“That’ll make this meal that much better!”

Begrudgingly, you’d given up on the street food and thankfully, not much longer after that, you’d found the last thing you were looking for. With the staff that’d come with you holding the bags, you whispered to Jay about how your feet hurt.

He squatted down almost instantly. Grinning widely, you’d climbed onto his back, wrapping your arms around his neck. But then his hands curled around the backs of your thighs and it was all you could think about. For the walk back to the car, his fingers digging into your skin and making you feel warm. In an attempt to hide your heated face, you hid it in his neck and somehow, Jay didn’t complain about how your breath tickled his skin.

Your mouth was so close to him. You wondered if he tasted as good as he smelled. If he would like it if you kissed that birthmark that was just under his jaw. That mark was so adorable–

Once again, your feet were being placed back on the pavement without you noticing it. Your hands moved slowly away from Jay’s neck, down his back a bit and then they were retracted immediately after you processed how inappropriate it was for you to be touching him like that. Especially when you had a boyfriend. Jay didn’t seem like he cared though, and if he did, he didn’t say anything.

He still opened the car door for you, helped you in, and made you laugh on the car ride back. Easing the thoughts you had of whether he saw how you’d been acting or not. It was almost happening unconsciously, the thoughts and longings that you usually only had with Sunghoon. And the guilt you felt about it was heavy, considering how Sunghoon had shown how bothered he was about you acting like a girlfriend to the other members. To your shared friends.

Everyone had apparently headed off to their respective rooms by the time you and Jay re-entered the dorms. Night had barely fallen so you figured that they were all taking a moment for themselves before you and Jay called them out for dinner. After removing your outerwear, Jay and you headed into the kitchen, him carrying the groceries as you slid along the tile in your fuzzy socks.

“Haul time!” you cheered, jumping around the edge of the island so you were on the side that was with the stove.

Jay chuckled, “First…” he took something out of the bag. “The gochujang paste!” You let out a small ‘yay’ as you took the container out of his hands, placing it on the counter. “And lastly…” he revealed the package of myeongnan!”

“Whoo!”

“‘Whoo’ is absolutely right,” he said as he joined you on your side of the room, opening the fridge to store the marinated pollack roe. “Everyone should be grateful that we’re making them such a high-quality meal tonight.”

“Maybe I’ll just watch you make it.”

Jokingly, you moved away from him, hands gliding behind you on the cool surface of the island. As expected, Jay’s fingers circled your wrists before you could get too far and you were being pulled back to him.

“Nice try,” he laughed and you frowned. “You’re a big girl and you can help me make dinner.”

Well, you weren’t going to argue with that. Especially when his voice sounded a bit deeper than it usually did.

Nervously, you separated your touch from his to tuck some of your hair behind your ear. “Fair enough. What do we start with?”

“Washing your hands,” Jay said, tilting his head back towards the sink as he moved to rummage through the cupboards for the utensils you’d be needing.

You nodded, “Makes sense.”

The hot water was borderline scalding on your hands, but at that point, you were willing to try anything to remove the electricity that Jay left behind on your skin.

Cooking when you were doing it right, and with someone who you enjoyed spending time with, was surprisingly easy. You had thought that it would require more precision, exact measurements and stirs and timeframes, but Jay made everything look so natural. He told you that almost everything could be done with your instincts and a little bit of guidance from the recipe and he was absolutely right. It was effortless to relax after you gained a bit more confidence in your movements and the jokes and conversation flowed as a harmony with the quiet background music Jay had turned on at some point.

Everything was done cooking sooner than you’d thought it’d be and you were almost disappointed that your time alone with the older male was almost up for the night. Trying not to dwell on the collapse of contentedness, you continued slowly chopping up the last of the vegetables that would go with the altang.

“Ah,” Jay said from behind you and you looked over your shoulder to see him approaching you. “That was the other thing I wanted to fix.”

“What part of me are you trying to fix?” You laughed.

He smiled as he shifted so he was standing directly behind you, “Your cutting skills.”

The hardness of his chest pressed against your back and your nerves seized and you dropped the knife onto the cutting board at the sudden closeness. Frozen was the only way to describe your movements as Jay silently reached his arm across your body, one hand delicately taking hold of your right hand to turn it over while the other retrieved the knife. Only his soft breathing was against your ears as he placed the handle back into your grasp, his fingers arranging your own to hold the blade in a certain way.

The rise and fall of your lungs slowed. You felt dizzy, like his nose brushing against the shell of your ear as he peered over your smaller frame was putting some kind of spell on you. Focusing on the task at hand felt impossible as he somehow got even closer, arms practically wrapped around you while he adjusted your other hand. His fingers looked so large compared to your own and the sight of him effortlessly bending your knuckles so you wouldn’t cut your fingertips off only intensified that dizziness.

Maybe this was too inappropriate for a girl who already had a boyfriend but at that moment you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. Your love for Sunghoon was so strong and you thought that there was no possible way it could’ve been matched, but there was something else growing in your heart that made those conclusions falter.

Jay had always been there for you, had always been the one to take care of you, and was the one noticing the things that no one else did. You’d always appreciated him, been grateful for the way he treated you like a princess, but you couldn’t help but recall recent times when he’d been a bit too assertive over others when it came to you. Him calling off the other boys when you ran out of water during practice, saying you would share with him. Him sending a glare to anyone who’d enter the beauty room while you were getting ready with him being the one keeping you company. Him indirectly trying to get you to spend less time with Sunghoon and more with the other members. Including Jay himself. Little things, but now, in this intimate position you couldn’t help but think they had a different meaning.

Overwhelmed, you set the knife down, Jay loosening his grip on you to let you do so safely.

“Jay…” Your whisper could barely be heard over the hushed music, but he still hummed after you said his name. Hip brushing against his, you carefully turned around. Jay’s hands didn’t move from around you, his hands resting on the edge of the counter. You were caged in against him.

His eyes were so pretty. You couldn’t read the look in them, your brain too cloudy and his intense stare almost made it impossible to maintain eye contact. But you might as well have been hypnotized. The brown of irises was so warm that you could only think of chocolate and how badly you wanted to drown in them.

You weren’t sure who kissed who first.

Jay could’ve leaned down or you could’ve risen on your toes but it didn’t matter because his lips were finally moving against your own.

It didn’t take long for his mouth to crash against yours and you think you might’ve whimpered as his tongue found its way between your lips. Subconsciously, her hands roamed under the hem of his shirt, discovering the firm muscles of his lower back as his tongue explored your mouth. It was a kiss that was meant for lovers behind locked doors, not in a dimly lit kitchen where anyone could walk in. Jay deepened the kiss even more, which you didn’t think was possible, and only then did you realize what you were doing.

Your hands that had been lovingly holding him to you were abruptly pulling him away from you, knowing that now he should be as far away from you as possible. Jay stumbled back at the tugging against his white t-shirt, hitting the edge of the stove and causing the pans placed on the border to clatter back towards the middle.

“Sorry! I’m sorry!” you gasped, hand shooting up to your mouth.

Jay shook his head, “No, it’s okay. I’m okay. Are you alright–”

Now your own head was moving side to side hard enough to cause a dull pain behind your skull. A tear fell despite you not even realizing that they had begun to well up.

The guilt that was creeping up inside of you made you feel physically ill, unlike anything you’d ever experienced before. You felt horrible, you were horrible. You were a horrible girlfriend. God, how could you keep making mistakes like this when Sunghoon…

“Sunghoon…” you sobbed, hand against your mouth shaking as you processed what you’d just done. Jay was instantly back at your side.

Softly, he took your hand in his and moved it away from your face, holding it in his. “Shh– shh… I’m sorry, I’m sorry. We can talk to him and explain–”

“Explain what?” you cried in a manner that was perhaps a bit too loud. “That I– I– cheated on him?” You couldn’t get enough air in your chest. You were going to puke. There was a steady thumping under your palm.

Jay lifted your hand to his chest, letting it rest on his heart and feel the slower pace at which he was breathing. “You need to breathe, YN, you’re having a panic attack.”

Closing your eyes, you let a trembling breath escape your lips. And as Jay’s chest rose, you took a deep breath and exhaled as he did so. Repeating the process was easy, but opening your eyes to Jay’s saddened face made your heartbreak and guilt build up all over again.

“I–”

“You guys okay? Thought I heard something break,” Heeseung said from the doorway. Neither of you said anything, Jay just kept looking at you as you turned your vision to the floor.

Clenching your fist tightly, you let the pain of your fingernails digging into your skin distract you from the pain in your heart and you cleared your throat. “Yeah, we’re fine. Dinner’s ready.”

You pushed away from Jay, wiping the water from your cheeks. Keeping your head down, you brushed past Heeseung, beelining for the bathroom you used most often since you figured that was the only place where no one would question why you were crying. You burst into the room quickly, shutting the door behind you as quietly as possible.

And for the next hour, you laid on the bathroom floor, the coolness of the tile on your face keeping you present. Keeping you thinking about how you hated yourself for kissing Jay. Hated yourself for liking it and loving him.

All of the progress you’d made in your relationship with Sunghoon had been ruined in under five minutes. All of the self-love that was beginning to return to you had been ripped away the moment you’d decided to kiss Jay back. And if the avoiding you’d done with Sunghoon before you both got together was bad, the way you were avoiding Jay was borderline criminal. You’d thrown yourself fully into your relationship with Sunghoon, making up your mind about how if you gave him more love it would cancel out the tiny mistake you’d made. The huge mistake you’d made.

It had only been two days, but the time that’d passed felt like an eternity. There was no way you’d be able to keep your actions with Jay a secret for much longer. You told Sunghoon everything. He was your best friend, your person, and you rarely kept things from him. Usually when you messed up, you and he would be able to open up and share how you were feeling and how to make it better. But you knew that if he ever found out about this, he would never forgive you. It was wrong to keep something like this from him, but you didn’t want to lose him.

But you didn’t want to lose Jay in the process either.

And that was exactly what was happening. You liked to think that you took your time to process things and think your options through when really, you would put decisions off to avoid the consequences of them. Ignoring Jay almost every time he tried to speak with you and never allowing yourself to be alone in a room with him was hurting him. You could tell that much. With the way the shine that was in his eyes when he would see you would dim when you would pretend like you didn’t hear him. The way you’d stop coming to him for help with things. You knew you were making him feel unneeded and unwanted, but you couldn’t dare pick between the two boys.

Because you were in love with both of them.

The thought still didn’t seem morally correct to you, you weren’t sure if it would ever feel socially acceptable either, but it was true. Your coming to terms with your feelings for Jay were much different than your experience with the ones for Sunghoon. You weren’t able to embrace them fully in fear that both boys would leave you if you played your cards wrong or said something that would set them both off. And it didn’t help that they both had possessive tendencies.

So you turned to Sangmi, one of the only people you could trust with this information.

“You like both of them?” she’d asked, removing the sheet mask that you’d both been doing in the soft lighting of your guys’ room.

You nodded, “Love. I think I love both of them.”

She pursed her lips and puffed her cheeks out, focused on folding her mask. After a moment, she’d thrown it into the trash can, almost missing so the skincare hung over one of the sides of the gray plastic.

“I don’t know what to tell you, babe. I can’t say I’ve ever been in that position–”

“Just tell me what you would do.”

“But I can’t,” she had sighed. “Because we’re each our own person. Just because I would do something one way doesn’t mean you should do it as well.”

You whined and slumped over onto her lap. In a comforting manner, she threaded her fingers through your hair, scratching her nails lightly over your scalp. “I’m stuck! I don’t think I would be able to live without either of them…”

“First of all, you definitely would–” Your groan of annoyance cut her off and she giggled. “Second of all, from what you’ve told me, they love you too.” Her voice had gotten quiet. You straightened your spine back to an upright position and locked eyes with your best friend.

“You think so?”

Sangmi had hummed in agreement, “Talk with them. If they love you as much as you love them, then they would be willing to do anything to be with you. To make you happy.”

“Even sharing,” you sighed as you flipped around and rested back down on her folded legs. “That’s so much to ask of a man, though. One can’t even stay loyal to one girl most of the time.” Your hands flopped to your side. “How am I supposed to ask for so much from them? One girl and two guys? No way that could ever last.”

“Not with that mindset,” Sangmi laughed. Her face grew pensive and while you waited for her to continue, you stared at the white ceiling. “I think that you’ve always made love out to be trickier than it actually is–”

“But sometimes–”

“Sometimes there are exceptions, and this whole kiss thing with Jay-oppa might be one of them, but YN-ie–let yourself go for once.”

You looked down at your hands, folded over your chest, rising and falling as you breathed.

“I just feel like every time I do that I mess up.”

“You’re human. Humans mess up all the time but you’re never going to get anywhere if you don’t take a risk.”

You bit your lip, “Maybe you’re right.”

Sangmi shrugged, “I tend to be.”

“Or maybe you’re just feeding my delusions– Hey!” You squealed as she threw one of her pillows at your face.

“I’m never giving you advice again,” she said, sounding like a stressed mother. You giggled.

And now, swallowing your pride, your feet padded against the smooth tile of the living room as you approached Sunghoon after claiming that you were going to use the bathroom. When really, you’d spent a good four minutes in the space mentally preparing yourself for this difficult conversation.

“Hey,” you said, a smile on your face as you found your spot right next to him on the couch again.

Sunghoon turned off his phone, watching you approach him with his own dazed expression. “Hi. How was the bathroom?”

“As awesome as ever.” You sounded nervous. Nervous was an understatement. You were pretty sure you were shaking. “Um… I actually needed to talk to you about something that’s been– um, bothering me for a couple of days.”

Sunghoon’s eyebrows knitted together and he nodded slowly, “Yeah, what is it?”

“So…” you started, shifting onto your knees so you were closer to eye-level with him. “I’m not really sure how to say this but um… the other night, when Jay-oppa and I were cooking we… um…”

Sunghoon tilted his head to the side, narrowing his eyes a bit at you. “You what?”

“We kissed,” Jay said from the doorway, entering the conversation just like he did the night Sunghoon and you were speaking of.

Afraid, you glanced back at Jay, who looked angry, then at Sunghoon, whose face was blank. Your heart dropped. Their reactions were exactly the opposite of what you’d been hoping for. But they were exactly what you’d been expecting.

You waited for one of them to yell at you. To call you a horrible name and say you were disgusting. For Sunghoon to break up with you, for Jay to say he regretted ever kissing you, but neither of them said anything. And that only scared you more, but you had no idea what to say.

Finally, Sunghoon clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, and his eyes zoned in on Jay. Then he was standing up and your vision followed him, uncertain of what he was going to do.

“God, man, what do I have to do to get you to back the fuck off from my girlfriend?” He laughed bitterly and you felt frozen once again, just like you do in every conflicting situation.

Jay scoffed, eyes shooting back and forth between you and Sunghoon, “She kissed me back. And you know, I think she liked it.” The last part was a whisper and you couldn’t help but let your gaze fall to the floor as both boys let the sight of you looking pitiful on the couch be the center of their attention.

Embarrassed, you nodded.

“Well, then what do we do?” Sunghoon said, his anger creeping into his tone. “Because you’re clearly trying to ruin my relationship with her–”

“YN’s not completely innocent in this either!”

“I’m right here!” you yelled, fed up with how neither you nor Jay were refusing to take responsibility for the situation and for how Sunghoon wasn’t accepting that you cheated on him. “And if anything, this whole thing is my fault. Not yours.” You looked at Sunghoon as you also stood up, pushing away from the couch. “Or yours,” you said, eyeing Jay.

You blinked back tears, trying to remain strong.

“Because– because I’m in love with you both. And I feel disgusting saying it because you both deserve someone that will love you both how you deserve and–” Sunghoon’s arms were around you before you could finish your sentence. The only words you could repeat were “I’m sorry” as Sunghoon soothingly hushed you, hand resting at the back of your neck as he held you close to his chest.

You felt another pair of hands travel around your sides as Jay wrapped around you both, effectively surrounding you from every free space. Sunghoon’s cheek fell onto your head and Jay’s chin ended up on your left shoulder. Their scents, the warmth of their skin, and the feeling of their heartbeats was enough to ground you again and you found yourself calming down as you weakly encircled Sunghoon’s middle with your arms.

“Okay, I’m okay,” you said, getting a bit overwhelmed with the tightness you were enveloped in. Both of the boys backed away hesitatingly, and you took a spot on the couch again. Sunghoon followed suit quickly as Jay stood next to your side in front of the furniture.

“Sunghoon-ah, I’m not trying to destroy your relationship with YN-ie,” Jay confessed. “You’re important to her and… and you’re important to me too.”

With a confirming nod, Sunghoon accepted the elder’s words.

“I’m in love with her too,” Jay added and his words made your heart practically stop. Your eyes felt a bit too wide to be normal and he stared down at you with a small smile on his lips. “And I want what’s best for her and clearly, that’s you.”

“We shouldn’t have kissed, Hoon,” you joined in, turning to face your boyfriend. His elbows were resting on his knees as he took in what Jay and you had to say. “And I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, and apologizing for not telling you about it right away, and I’m sorry I didn’t say that I was falling in love with Jay sooner because– I love you so so much.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Sunghoon admitted after you finished speaking. “I don’t think I’m really that mad, actually just more sad that you felt like you couldn’t tell me.”

Reaching for his left hand, you carefully took it into your own. “You mean so much to me, Hoon. I didn’t want to hurt you–”

“It does hurt,” he said and your bottom lip trembled a bit. “You aren’t forgiven yet, but I’m not going to break up with you.”

Hope lit through you, you could practically feel it seeping out of your pores. “Really?”

“I love you,” he said simply. “And I know you love me. But I know that you love Jay too–”

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” you said, squeezing his hand tightly. “I’ll do whatever makes both of you happy.” Glancing back and forth between them, you continued, “If that’s not being with either of you, so be it–”

“Absolutely not,” Jay laughed. “Do you know how hard Hoon here had to work to get you to date him?”

Sunghoon sighed, “That’s not the point.” You stifle a giggle at the irritated look he sent Jay. “Let me finish. It’s going to take a lot of work, for me and Jay-hyung, but I’m okay with… I don’t wanna say sharing, that sounds wrong, but, if being with both of us is what you want…” he cocked his head to the side, eyes swimming with a varied mix of emotions. “Then I’m okay with it.”

“So what… You’re suggesting I date both of you?” you asked, eyebrows furrowing. Peering over your shoulder, you locked eyes with Jay, who also looked like he was in deep thought. “If you want to, Jay-oppa.”

A few seconds passed before Jay answered, “We’ll have to take things super slow. And Sunghoon-ie and I are gonna have to figure out how to get over our jealousy, but yeah. Let’s do it.”

You didn’t even try to hide how overjoyed you were, a grin proudly present on your face as you practically jumped on Sunghoon, peppering kisses all over his face. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you so so so so so–”

“Okay– okay! Calm down, princess, I love you too,” he chuckled. You pulled away, gazing sweetly at his eyes before leaning in to kiss him. Nothing deep, just a long peck on the lips before you withdrew from Sunghoon and turned to Jay.

“C’mere,” you said, reaching for him. He complied, smirking a bit as you tugged his face to yours, giving Jay his own peck on the lips. “I love you.”

Jay gave you a peck on your cheek, “I love you.”

“Okay, that’s enough for now,” Sunghoon said. His hands drew you back to his chest and tucking your head under his chin protectively.

“I don’t get to join in on the cuddles?”

“No. Just me. Remember you guys need to make it up to me for kissing before we agreed on… whatever this is.” Sunghoon’s hair was silk-like between your fingers as you twisted your arm up so you could play with his locks.

Laughing, you patted the spot next to you on the couch. “You can sit next to us, Jay. I’ll play with your hair too if you want me to.”

Jay seemed to brighten again. He was leading your hand to his head as he laid down on the cushions, head falling on your lap. Sunghoon complained a bit, but after a few kisses, he finally settled in.

You knew you all had a lot of work to do, but with both of them laughing and being there with you, that feeling of fullness–of being complete, you’d been searching for for so long returned. Permanently. Happiness would be easier every day as long as you had both of your boys by your side, just like this.

마리셀의 노트 , thanks to miss lana del rey for giving me the motivation to finish this😓 I’ll try to be faster with writing in the future but I am in school so that’s my first priority!🌷🩷 please don’t be afraid to ask me stuff / interact with me! and thank you for all of the support🥰💕💋

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lovelytsunoda · 5 months

Text

spill the wine // lance stroll

summary: honeymooning with the hutchence-strolls. capri will always hold a special place in y/n's heart.

pairing: lance stroll x hutchence!reader

part two of the welcome to wherever you are verse

author's note: i'm so glad that you guys loved the first part of the welcome to wherever you are verse! i was so excited to make this into a series, combining two of my current hyperfixations. i hope that the first part was enough to make some of you curious about the life and times of my favourite aussie rock band. for people who are looking to learn more, i recommend watching the channel seven drama 'never tear us apart', starring luke arnold as micheal hutchence. it's two episodes, each of them an hour and a half that takes a look into the rise and fall of inxs. arnold's protrayal of micheal was beautifully done (and i love alex williams as kirk).

y/n.hutchence just posted to her private story!

y/n.hutchence just posted (private)

island of capri, italy.

tagged: lancestroll

liked by lancestroll, officialinxs, yourbestie and 130 others.

y/n.hutchence as my father once said, 'spill the wine, kiss that girl."

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jonfarriss first of all those aren't the real words, and your father didn't actually write spill the wine

-> y/n.hutchence jon why do you have to be right all the time huh?

-> jonfarriss you also know that song is about being on five different kinds of illegal drugs?

-> andrewfarriss he's being annoying because he cares. make smart choices, kiddo!

-> y/n.hutchence andrew have you ever known me not to make the smart choice? i'm living the sober girlie lifestyle here

yourbestie looking good sunshine!!!remember to send me pics, I need to pretend I don’t work a nine to five!

lancestroll wow I can’t decide what’s more beautiful: the scenery or my wife (jokes on you guys, it’s my wife)

-> y/n.hutchence 🥺🥺

kirkpengilly nice to see alcatraz hasn’t changed

-> y/n.hutchence of course you hated it...you hate the beach, the sand, the water, the sun

-> kirkpengilly i do not

-> laynebeachley sweetie she is right.

lancestroll just added to his story

lancestroll just posted!

island of capri, italy

tagged: y/n.hutchence

liked by y.n/hutchence, kirkpengilly, astonmartinf1 and 4,567 others

lancestroll honeymooning with the hutchence-strolls

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astonmartinf1 are lemons supposed to be that big?

-> y/n.hutchence arent they awesome?

estebanocon why do you have to add 'with the hutchence-strolls' to everything?? 'easter with the hutchence-strolls' 'cook chicken gyros with the hutchence strolls' its EXHAUSTING. watch you guys make a sex tape and call it 'making babies with the hutchence-strolls'

-> kirkpengilly they'd better not! y/n i will resurrect your father and have him talk some sense into you

-> y/n.hutchence kirky calm down!! there is NO sex tape!

user y/n is so stunning! europe looks good on her

yourbestie i held my tongue at the wedding but she has been so fucking happy since you guys got married and if you hurt her i will give you HELL to PAY

-> lancestroll don't worry, she's in good hands. she's my reason to get up every morning, my reason to smile. i have never felt more alive than i do when she is next to me

garrygarybeers huh i actually think capri has gotten nicer since 1993

mickschumacher why do your legs look so long in the first picture

-> lancestroll thanks mick, now that you've pointed it out i can never unsee it smh

y/n.hutchence just posted (private)

liked by yourbestie, yourmom, lancestroll and 278 others

y/n.hutchence take my breath away

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lancestroll it was an honor to experience the grotto with you, my wife

-> y/n.hutchence the view was pretty, but you were prettier, my husband

yourbestie consider my mind BLOWN. things like these just exist in nature???

timfarriss now why didn't we go here when we were recording the album again? this place would have inspired the crap out of us. your dad would have loved it.

fernandoalonso ah yes, the grotto. fond memories of skinny dipping there

-> lancestroll ew why did you think i needed to know that

-> y/n.hutchence i second that

(next part)

TAGS:

@magnummagnussen @libraryofloveletters @clemswrld @httpiastri @cartierre @lorarri @thatsdemko @sidcrosbyspuck

#lance stroll x reader #formula one x reader #lance stroll smau #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #ig aus #formula 1 x reader #formula one x you #f1 pov #f1 smau #Spotify #wtwya verse

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plleeeepppyyyy · 1 year

Note

I have a request if you’re doing any!!

Wally Darling x Rockstar Reader

I don’t care what you do with this but I hope you enjoy it!!

Reader is the singer and dancer of the neighborhood! Very happy go lucky, loving, and even a little clumsy. Yet always calm during making music

Which I can picture reader being a great muse. And reader singing a lot to Wally.

this was def fun to write!! all the ideas and cutesy stuff came to me in a flash ngl.. (;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`)

really cute request!! you guys are so creative with these,,,(•̀ᴗ•́)و

wally + singer/rock star reader!

♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪

♬♫♬♫♬♫♬♫♬♫♬♫♬♫♬♫♬♫

••••••••••••••

•this man,,, god,, this man.

•he’s literally ur number one fan girl. he’s there for every performance, writings, everything. you name it he’s there!

•wally just loves watching you in the process of making music, its like an art! to him, it’s wonderful of how passionate you are about it. he adores watching you almost trip on a cord as you just jam out,, doesn’t matter how clumsy you are,, you’re just elegant to him. seeing you so peaceful as you strum on a guitar or something.. 🫶 (if he had a camera he would take a pic of you 200x)

•literally every-time you come up to him with ur newest draft of a song, he gets so excited!! that inner fangirl comes out.,, wally is pretty honest when it comes to stuff. but he just can’t help himself, every song, draft, album,, literally all perfection to him. you cannot do no wrong with that. he buys all of your stuff if you ever sell it. (prolly got a shrine.)

•if you ever write a song based on him,, he would actually cry out of happiness, at least be on the verge of it. you just give the song to him and he’s just like, “it’s so perfect,,,, tysm,,” while he’s on the verge of letting it out. he’ll listen to it every day. :) <3

•bonus points if you write it for your guys’ one year anniversary! that man will be so happy,, he probably would let a few tears out too..,,. like you used your creativeness on little old him?!(!(ಡ‸ಡ) wally would cherish the hell out of that song, he can just mumble out a praise as he’s about to ugly cry. like.. THANK YOU?!(!? (;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`)

•he’ll just grab a hold of you and not let go,, it just makes him feel so happy. he’ll probably cry into ur shirt tho,,

•if you ever had some albums posted out or whatnot, he will put them on his wall. wally would prolly accidentally buy out the whole thing,, like cmon, he’s has to use some of them for display and hearing!! ( ˘ ³˘)

•ur his main inspiration for his art too,, seeing you so into doing what u do, gibes him strength. he will ABSOLUTELY paint tf outta you! literally you guys would be in the same room while he sketches and you just strum your guitar or smth, ack he’s a sucker for moments like those. ur for sure his muse. got ten whole folders of drawings and projects that are meant for you.

•he might even call you his muse tooo! :)

•he asked you once what type of music you were doing and you prolly replied with a random genre he’s never heard up,, and he’d just be like. “ah, that’s wonderful.. can’t wait to hear it.”

•he do NOT give a care,, any genre in his eyes and ears it’s perfection. like said before, you do wrong.

•if ur the type to do sad songs, he’s a little worried. like bby what’s got you so sad? :(

•sometimes (if you offer) he also does stuff with you. to him he thinks he’s better at playing instruments, which is lie he’s hella good at singing.

•he’ll give you ideas, suggestions; whatever you need!

•i literally will say it here, ya’ll do duets with each other. especially with old timey love songs, it’s just cute,,, a bit sappy. but who cares, I IMAGINE you two just singing together. (bonus points if he’s playing a piano,, well trying to,, he needs some practice..)

•every time you put on a performance,, he just sits there with the dopiest smile on with lovestruck written all over him. bro is VERY in love, he could listen to you alll day. if he had a tail it would be wagging. he will never take his eyes off either, all of his attention is on you, just you.

•even if you got a recording studio, he admires how much you get into the music. its so amusing seeing you be so calm during the whole process of making a song, but when you perform your songs. like thats my baby fr!!! wally is ur number one hype man,, i mean this all the way.

(i feel like hes such a sucker for singers,,)

•if ur in a nice suit, dress; whatever while ur singing, agh.. this man is knocked out. ur soo gorgeous,, and you sing?! like, sorry, wally is just in love.

•after one of your performances, once he sees you walking to him, all giddy and stuff. wally ain’t letting you go once you run into his arms, he will keep his arms around you as you just ask if he liked it, thought it was great,, while he’s just nodding and mumbling praises to you. (it’s honestly so sweet to watch you two.) if ur wearing heels or boots, you’re probably towering over him as this happens,, (i honestly find this so sweet, ur jus towering over him, asking him excitedly if he loved it, while he’s just practically sings praises to you. so sweet,,)

•to pick up the instrument part, he will totally help you with demos and drafts by playing the music for you. he’s pretty average on most instruments and would totally drop whatever he had and help you out! (will def help you out with drums, i think its canon that its his main thing,,)

•sing him to sleep, please,, he will eat that up. if you do, he’ll sleep so fast. as said before by me, i don’t think he sleeps much. but with ur singing? knocked out, my brother is dead asleep. what can he say? you’re just a good singer.

•honestly to him, ur like a siren. you’re just too good to be true and sing beautifully. corny he knows but,,, its true <3 (to him.)

•even house loves your singing! if wally needed the help he would call you and try to make house stop with ur singing,,

•the first time he’s ever heard you sing, his mind was blown. how did you sing that good? like all of his other friends could sing,, but you were just different. you sounded different, did things differently.. ack. he fell in love with your voice. as he listened to one of ur song’s for the first time, and ur just anxious. wondering if he’ll like it, or not.. he turns to you. blank stare, and says, “this is the best music i’ve ever heard,, ur so talented..” with just pure adoration and fondness in his eyes.

•which got you SO HAPPY, he loved your songs!!!! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

•sometimes if he feels a bit snarky that day, he’ll brag a bit. just all like, “my s/o is a beautiful singer,, can YOU sing that good? they’re so amazing at what they do, no one can compare…” wally is sometimes a bit of a prick (╥_╥)

•never a prick to you tho, said it before i’ll say it again, to him you do no wrong, see no wrong, hear no wrong, speak no wrong. 🫶

•he makes sure you know that you’ll always be in his corner, all of the time, being ur numba one fangirl! (✯◡✯)

•wally definitely tried making a song for you too,, didn’t go right tho. (٥⁀▽⁀ )

(seriously this dude is crazed over you.)

•you always make sure he’s the first one to hear your songs, after writing a draft you sprint to him and show him it. it makes him so excited too, cause like.. how did he get so lucky that he’s the first person to look and hear your talent?

•this dude just adores you, so much.. like what’s not to love? to him you’re just the peak definition of passion, he enjoys watching you have fun and play music. wally is sorta taking this into seriousness,, but he can’t help it!! he can’t get over how he bagged you, this person who’s a whole peak of inspiration for him. ❤︎︎

•he just loves to support and cherish you, i won’t lie but he’s basically a lovestruck puppy who watches you and everything you do. everyone in the neighborhood can tell.. (¯ ³¯)♡

__________

ACK,, okay i got a bit carried away on some points, but they were jus too cute to not put in.

BUT 1000 NOTES ON EACH OF MY FICSSs?!?! thats insane, thank you guys sm!! (╥_╥) i didn’t think i would get that much positive feedback for these, im rlly glad you guys are liking these!

hope you enjoyed reading this one! ( ˘ ³˘)♥︎

#wally darling #wally darling x reader #welcome home #welcome home arg #this request got me alll sappy(٥⁀▽⁀ )

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garfinkelstingle · 1 year

Text

magic and maybes | draco malfoy

pairing: draco malfoy x fem!reader (implied slytherin!reader but only once i think)

warnings: swearing; implied mentions of verbal abuse; this is not in chronological order, but i do think it makes sense this way (especially if you've listened to the song); angst

word count: 5,2k

summary: based on “wendy” by maisie peters; loving draco is like something out of a fairytale. but not all of those always end with happily ever after, do they?

a/n: oh my!! hi!!! my first full-length fic in over a year!!!! so exciting!!!! this came to me while listening to wendy (which you should defo listen to if you haven't yet; the whole album is too good!!) and i just sort of rolled with it. i will never understand why i keep coming back to draco, but i just do. i have never written anything like this, and i certainly have never written draco like this, but the song called for it!! and also, let's be honest, this really matches draco better than it would most other characters. oh and i put it in the warning, but please beware that this is not written in chronological order. it's supposed to showcase the rollercoaster of relationship that reader and draco share, and i thought this was the best way to do it! let me know if you like it, it would really mean a lot <3 happy reading babes

masterlist

rolling like a stone / laughing like a kid

She had never seen him like this before.

Correction: She had never seen him like this before in front of people that weren't just her. Because this is the only way she had ever seen him, really seen him. She knew the charade he kept up, could see right through it better than anyone else. And if you took all of that faux meanness and excruciating ass-ness away, this is what you would be left with, what she's been left with all these years that she's known him. A silly kid, rolling around in the grass, holding his stomach laughing, eyes glistening with tears and shining brighter than any star ever could.

This is how she saw him, always, and how she hoped she would get to see him forever. This, and nothing else.

calling like the future / closed up like a fist

It was always the same. He always did this, and she swore that one of these days she would hex him into oblivion for it.

"What do you mean I can't come with you? We've been planning this for months; I told my parents to make plans without me and they have. What am I supposed to do now?" They had been at it for close to an hour now, going back and forth, nowhere close to having this argument reach its conclusion.

Usually, she didn't mind backing off. He was stubborn; she knew that. This wasn't something she had discovered only recently. She had known him for longer than she hadn't, so she was acutely aware of this quality of his. It didn't surprise her, but that didn't mean it didn't annoy her, either. So she'd just let it slide and move on—one of them had to.

This time, however? She wasn't going anywhere.

"I'm not responsible for you and how you spend your time," he provocatively stated, his eyes ablaze with fury that nearly matched hers. How dare he? As if this was in any way, shape, or form her fault.

"You have got to be kidding me! You were the one who invited me to spend Christmas break at your house! You were the one who wanted me to meet your parents! You were the one who made all these grand plans, and now you just blow me off the day break starts and talk about responsibility?" She couldn't believe him. She really, truly, couldn't.

Except that, maybe, she should. This wasn't the first time Draco blew off their plans. In fact, it wasn't even the second or the third. But he usually had a not-so-terrible reason for it, and the worst thing he had ever cancelled before was a Saturday in Hogsmeade or a picnic by the lake. This, however? This was huge, a plan that had been set into motion during the summer, when they had sent their owls into a frenzy, corresponding through multiple letters a day and vowing not to spend another break apart. She had told her parents before she boarded the train to take her back for another year at Hogwarts, that she would spend the Christmas break with her boyfriend and that they should take that trip to the sea they've been dreaming of forever. And since they did just that, and she didn't feel like ruining their holidays as well, she would now have to spend hers at the dingy castle, with people she barely knew and couldn't care less about.

She didn't even need him to change his mind at this point. While the reason he was giving her sucked, she was sure the real reason didn't—even if he wasn't planning on telling her. What bothered her so much was his refusal to just simply apologize for screwing up and leaving her hanging. If he would just say that he was sorry, she'd let this go. But she knew him well enough by now to know that the chances of that happening were non-existent at best.

"I will not apologize for your lack of a backup plan," he said, with a voice so cold that she could feel actual shivers run down her back. "I will see you after break is over. Merry Christmas." And with that, he turned around and made his way back to the castle, without even sparing her a backward glance.

And all she could do was stare after him, seemingly frozen in place, with tears flowing down her cheeks freely, and wonder if this was what loving someone was supposed to feel like.

lost my page when you kissed me

She hadn't meant to fall in love with him. They had been friends, or at least something very close to it. Draco believed that only people who had nothing else to their name cared about having friends, and she somewhat agreed with him. Friends were feeble; people came and went. There was no use getting attached to them, not when you couldn't ever be a hundred percent certain that they wouldn't just up and leave one day.

But he—he was something else. They had known each other for years, attending the same balls thrown by both their parents and their associates, riding in the same train compartment on their first trip to Hogwarts, reading the same books side-by-side on their common room's couch. They were put in each other’s orbits due to their inescapable proximity, yes, but they were welded together by baked goods that they would steal from the kitchen and share in some dark corner of the too-big houses they would be dragged to, shy smiles and squeezing of hands followed by it's okay, you're not alone's, two a.m. conversations in front of the fireplace in which they discussed whatever books they just finished reading and, sometimes, maybe even more. That's what made her the first person he would say "good morning" to at the breakfast table, and what made him her preferred potions partner. Nothing more and nothing less. They weren't friends, but they were each other's person. Whatever that meant.

It made sense, and it worked, and neither of them needed more. Or so she thought. Because when Draco kissed her after one of those infamous two a.m. conversations and told her „You just looked too pretty not to kiss", after she asked him why he would do something so ridiculous, she came to realize that maybe they were wrong. Maybe getting attached to someone wasn't the worst thing there was. It couldn't be. Right?

i know the girl you want / it scares me

He was scared. He was scared, but so was she. The future was uncertain and terrifying. It didn't make sense on a good day and was simply revolting on a bad one. So much could go wrong at any given moment in time, and not knowing when or what could happen made it sometimes feel like, maybe, life just wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

And when you add love to that equation? You're pretty much just signing off on a death sentence. Draco knew that, and so did she, but unlike him, she believed it to be worth it. Love was never something she saw herself needing, or even wanting, but now that she had it, she was certain it was worth all the heartbreak it might possibly entail. Draco, however? He still didn't trust her enough to let his walls down completely, to give her the power to destroy him and believe her when she said that she would never, ever do that.

She loved him, and she was certain that he loved her, too, but she also knew that he might never be able to let her know that himself. And she knew that he expected that to be enough, that her own knowledge would suffice her and that she would survive without his confirmation, and maybe she could. She just wasn't sure if she wanted to. Spending your time with someone who was emotionally closed off to everyone around you and made them feel like they were replaceable was one thing, but spending your life with someone who was emotionally closed off toward you and too proud to tell you that the one person he could never replace was you? She wasn't sure if she was strong enough for that. She doubted she ever would be. And that terrified her more than anything else ever had before.

pretty like a girl / vicious like a man

He was beautiful. She had always found him inexplicably beautiful; his was the kind of beauty poems were about, a beauty that ran so deep and was so intricate that she sometimes wondered if he wasn't put on this world solely to be admired and stared at.

Even now, when his face was laced with fury and his knuckles white from how tightly he was gripping his desk, he was still beautiful.

She wasn't even sure what they were fighting about now, stopped paying actual attention to the ugly words leaving his mouth. Instead, she was questioning her judgment. She had always found him beautiful on the outside, just as everyone else did, but unlike them, she had also always considered his soul to be beautiful, too. And yet here she was, target to his livid shouts and insults, wondering if maybe that was just another thing that she had been terribly, terribly wrong about.

give up like a ghost / leaving halfway through

It was moronic at best, really. They had spent a fortune on these tickets and had been excited for this game for months now. So, the fact that they were now letting it all go to waste? It was pure idiocy.

Especially when you looked at the why. He was being a child, a petulant little toddler who got upset at the idea of giving his girlfriend of nearly four years a kiss in public.

And the worst thing is that she hadn’t even been upset because it hadn’t surprised her in the slightest. She knew Draco, knew that he liked keeping their PDA to an absolute minimum, and she didn’t mind it in the slightest. Or, well, not enough to be actively affected by it. So, when the kiss-cam panned to their faces, she blew it a kiss and winked for good measure and went back to talking to Draco about how pathetic Potter and his friends looked standing there on the very far side of the stadium, most likely not even able to see the scoreboard. She had moved on, and so had the camera, but for whatever reason, Draco didn't.

Instead, he started huffing and puffing about Salazar knows what, getting upset at her for what, exactly? For respecting his need for privacy? For not pushing him to do something she knew he wouldn’t be comfortable with doing, even though she really wanted to? For, once again, putting him first and foremost? Is that what he was trying to punish her for? Because he certainly didn’t seem to be able to put it into words, storming off like an actual imbecile instead, leaving halfway through the match.

And of course, she had to follow him like the ever-loyal girlfriend that she was, trying to catch up with him and calm him down, even though she was seconds away from losing her bloody mind herself. She was sick and tired of his juvenile behaviour, was just so exhausted with having to put up with his shit instead of just enjoying herself, and yet it seemed as if some invisible string kept on pulling her in his direction, not allowing her to choose her own needs and herself, ever.

She wondered if he would ever grow tired of this pretence of his, or if this was what being with Draco Malfoy would entail, forever. She didn’t want to believe it, but it became harder and harder with each passing day. Maybe this is who he was, who he always would be.

But maybe it was just a matter of time before he would finally give it all up and be who she has blindly believed him to be all this time. All she could do, it seemed, was to hope that she wouldn’t be the one to give up, first.

if i'm not careful we'll be married

"Do you ever think about the future?" His voice broke through the quiet reverie they had both found themselves in. She was used to him being the first one to speak up after a long beat of silence; he didn't find it quite as peaceful and tranquilizing as she did. Not that she minded, though. She liked his voice, and she liked talking to him even more. To say that the question surprised her, though, would be an understatement.

Putting the book she was currently reading to the side, she snuggled further into him. The fireplace was providing a fair amount of heat, but the chill seemed to be inescapable in the Slytherin common room. It was also just very nice to be able to have him hold her close like this, even if the only reason he did so was because it was far past midnight and everyone else was already fast asleep.

"Sometimes, yeah," she said. "Do you?"

"Yeah." She didn't expect him to elaborate, so it stunned her when he did. "I see us. You and me, together. Married. But not like them. Like us. Does that make sense?" It did. She knew exactly what he meant. Not like them. Not like his parents, who didn't love each other in the slightest and could barely stand each other most days. And not like her parents, either, who cared deeply about one another, at least as much as you could care about someone you didn't choose to marry. They found a way to be friendly and cordial, mainly because they didn't want their daughter to grow up with parents who were constantly at each other's throats, but it was still far away from the real deal.

Were they the real deal? That's what Draco was implying, wasn't it? That if they would get married, it'd be because they loved each other. He's never even said it, she thought. And he hadn't. But he's said this now, hadn't he? And that should be worth more than any stupid three words ever could be, right? Because he wanted to marry her, really marry her, not because he had to, but because he wanted to. It rarely happened for people of their status, so she should be beyond delighted that it was happening to her. Plus, she loved him, too, and unlike him, she hadn't been afraid to say those three words. Marrying Draco was what she was supposed to want; finding out that he wanted to marry her, too, was supposed to be the greatest news she's ever heard. So why was there some nagging part of her brain that knew that saying yes would be the worst thing she could possibly do?

"I know what you mean," she said. She had never lied to him before.

you want me / you're sure

Blaise Zabini was flirting with her. Then again, Blaise Zabini flirted with everything that had legs and a mouth he could kiss, so it did nothing to impress her. It did, however, do its damage by making Draco furiously jealous. After all this time together, she prided herself in being able to read him like a book. Him storming off like a petulant child made her think that, in this instance at least, even a visually impaired person would be able to deduct the fact that he was (unreasonably) upset.

Sighing, she made out to follow him, annoyed that she had to make yet another excuse for her friends. It shouldn't be her job to smooth things over every time his tantrums killed the mood at a get-together, and yet it seemed like part of the "Dating-Draco-Malfoy" package.

She found him at the lake, the same way she always did. She wondered if there was any specific reason he chose this place to run off to , but she doubted he would tell her even if there was. Some secrets just weren't worth the effort of trying to figure out.

She expected him to be upset with her, to accuse her of leading Zabini on and whoring herself out to him—Salazar knew it wouldn't be the first time. It used to upset her beyond measure. There would be a good amount of crying and screaming on her part; calling him a pretentious douche, telling him to screw off if he really thought so little of her. It always ended the same: he would storm off, eventually, and disappear for a good few hours. Then, he'd come back, without something even remotely close to an apology, and tell her he wasn't mad anymore. She knew what he really meant when he said it: I expect you not to be mad anymore, either. And even when she was, she was usually too exhausted to keep on fighting. After a while, she decided there wasn't even any point in being upset in the first place. Draco was who he was; she knew what she was getting into. Or so she kept telling herself.

This time, however, seemed different. She was sure he could hear her approach him—he always did. So why wasn't he turning around? Why wasn't he yelling at her and making her feel as if the affection of others was her fault?

He stayed quiet until she finally reached him and made to stand next to him. "I don't like it when others try to make a pass at you," he said. She waited a beat, wondering if he was going to add anything else. He did. "I know I have no right to be upset with you." This was new. It surprised her. So much so that she wondered if she might've misheard. "It's not your fault Zabini has no respect for boundaries, or anyone else, for that matter. I just... it's paralyzing, sometimes. Realizing that you could leave me for someone else at any given moment, and there's nothing I could do about it. I want to be with you. I know I'm not always good at voicing it, but I do. I'm certain. That's why I get upset. Because it terrifies me."

She took his hand in hers and gave the back of it a soft kiss. This was possibly the most vulnerable he had been with her, ever. She understood him; of course she did. Didn't he know that she was just as terrified? That a life without him in it didn't seem to make any sense whatsoever to her? She loved him, and now she was sure that he loved her, too.

Nothing else mattered.

lose the world that you live in / pretend that it's what you wanted

“This isn’t okay, and you know it.” Maybe she did. Maybe she knew that this wasn’t right, that this wasn’t how it was supposed to feel like. But it’s all she’s ever known, and sometimes it felt as if this was all she’d ever want to know. Because when it was good it was great. It was all she could ever want and then some, and she honestly didn’t think she would ever find anything better than it.

Draco wasn’t perfect, but neither was she. She had her flaws just like anyone else, so to expect him to be something she herself couldn’t be? That seemed unfair and illogical at best.

“Look, you don’t get it, alright?” And she didn’t. None of them did. Not her mother or her father, not her friends or his. They were complicated and messy, but they were right. Right for each other, right in all the ways that mattered. She loved him, and he loved her. If there was anything in life she was sure of, then it was that.

“You can’t let him treat you like that.” That’s what it always boiled down to. Every fight she ever had about him—and there were probably too many to count—always came to the same conclusion: She shouldn’t let him treat her like that. But what did that even mean? No one would ever treat her the way he did. No one would ever look at her as if she was the reason they got up in the morning, as if she hung the moon and the stars in the night sky. No one would ever be able to make her feel like she was the thing they lived for, someone they’d die and kill for in the same breath.

So, what if he’d yell at her and insult her and make her question her worth sometimes? He’d never allow her to question herself out loud to him; he’d make sure to show her how important she was to him. And Salazar forbid someone else dared to say the wrong thing when it came to her—he’d made sure it’s the last thing they’d ever say.

Maybe she knew it wasn’t okay, what they were doing. There were a million words to describe their relationship, with toxic and unhealthy being the prime examples. But no relationship was perfect. Why should theirs be?

it's a life i could have, i know

They were invited to someone's birthday. She didn't even know whose, just knew to wear "that green dress that makes you look like actual royalty". There also had been a promise by a certain someone that the dress would later be carefully taken off, and that there would be some... not so careful actions afterwards. It was the prospect of that that kept her from making up some excuse as to why she suddenly had to leave this awful and hollow house and curl up with a book and one of Draco's sweaters in her bed.

The party in itself wasn't awful; on the contrary, it was lovely. The music was played by a live orchestra, and the entire house was decorated in different shades of blue and silver. There were white roses everywhere, and the food was exceptional, too. But she didn't know anyone here except for Draco; she didn't even know the birthday girl. She was a couple years older than the two of them, and from what she understood she was the wife of a son of a business partner of Draco's father. Or something like that.

She was currently standing in a corner all by herself, with a champagne flute in hand, trying to find Draco in the crowd. He had snuck off some time ago, claiming that he had to make the rounds or else "my father is going to chew my ear off about it", convincing her that it wasn't necessary for her to introduce herself tediously to every single person he would have to shake hands with. He wasn't wrong, but somehow standing in her lonely corner appeared to be an even worse fate.

Eventually, she locked eyes with Draco and gave him a small smile. She knew it was pointless to beckon him to her; he'd just shrug her off. Instead, he sent a quick wink her way, before turning back around to speak to whatever important person he was speaking to right now.

This could be my life, she thought. Going places with Draco, having him wink at her from across the room, promising to take her dress off at the end of the night and make it all worth it. This could be the rest of her life. She could see it, could see herself be one of the important men’s wives, gossiping away in some lonely corner just like hers, on their fifth or sixth flute of champagne already, trying to hide the hollow look in their eyes. This could be it. It was nothing like the life that she had wanted for herself all this time, and yet it didn’t seem to bother her nearly as much as it should.

throw your rocks / scream that you hate me

She didn’t even know how long it’s been. All she knew was that her mother had been up twice to tell her that she was this close to hexing him away from their property, and that she had begged her just as often not to.

“He has every right to be upset,” she had said, and could feel the bile rise in her throat at the bitter taste of the lie. Because no matter how often she told herself just that, it didn’t sound any more truthful to her ears than it did the time before. Yes, maybe Draco was allowed to be upset. She certainly was. But standing below her window, completely wasted, and throwing rocks at it, whilst yelling profanities at her? No one should have the right to do that.

And it wasn’t as if it was her fault, either. She had given him a choice; she shouldn't have had to do that. She hadn’t even meant to. It was supposed to be clean cut. She was supposed to tell him that it was over, that it should have been over a long time ago. If he still couldn’t tell her that he loved her after five years together, chances were that he never would. And she was just so tired of not hearing those words.

But she had looked him in the eyes and something—something made her believe that maybe, just maybe, he would realize that she was worth so much more to him than his pride and that being with her was worth more than being whoever he kept on pretending to be.

She should have known that her stupid, childish hope would be the death of her.

So here he was now, screaming that he hated her, that he wished that he had never met her, that being with her had been the greatest mistake of his life. And what if he wasn’t wrong? Would things had been different had she been different? Would he have been able to tell her how he felt if she had been more like Daphne? Would she have been able to leave him sooner and protect her own heart had she been more like Pansy?

It was driving her mad, the never-ending question of “what if?”, and yet her silly mind didn’t seem to be able to put an end to it. Because no matter how awful being (or in this case not being) with Draco may have been, it was still the most magical time in her life so far. And she didn’t even doubt for one second that the rest of her life might have been just as magical, too. Except that there was only so long a person could survive on magic and maybe’s, before eventually having to put an end to the madness and realize that the whimsical dreams weren’t anything other than nightmares hiding behind a pretty façade.

She loved Draco, loved him with her entire being, loved him more than she could ever imagine loving or even wanting to love anyone else. But, somehow, along the way, she had come to realize that just because she couldn’t see ever loving herself even half as much as she loved him, it was still enough to realize that leaving him was the only way she could ensure that she wouldn’t lose herself completely.

So, when her mother came up for the third time, this time with her father in tow, she didn’t fight them when they suggested to call the authorities to remove the Malfoy boy from their property. After all, just because Peter never wanted to grow up, didn't mean Wendy couldn’t.

i could love you / wait 'til you're ready

It was the little things more than it would ever be the big ones. She knew Draco, knew that the only way she could expect big romantic gestures from him was if someone were to put him under a spell, which is why she came to appreciate the small gestures and hold them as close and dear to her heart as she possibly could.

It was the little enchanted paper cranes that would hold little love notes of “your hair looks pretty today” and “how lucky I am to be dating the smartest witch in this castle”.

It was how he would lend her his robe without a second thought when he would see her rub her hands together in a fruitless attempt of warding off the cold, even though he had adamantly tried to convince her to wear a jumper underneath.

It was how he would press a kiss on her temple first thing in the morning, without fail, every single day, no matter if they had fought the previous evening or not, letting her know that he wasn’t going anywhere.

It was how he would rub her feet at the end of a long day in Hogsmeade, knowing that her boots were a size too small but that she loved them too much not to suck up the pain and go out with them anyways.

She loved him, and whilst she had no problem with telling him just that, he had no problem with showing her, either. And maybe he wasn’t lying when he told her that he just needed time, that she ought to just be patient, that sooner rather than later he would feel ready enough to say it, too.

The question wasn’t whether she could wait or not; she knew she could. The question was whether she loved herself enough to know that she shouldn't have to.

forever 20

Twenty.

That’s how often she had said it, and how often he had stayed quiet. And every time he hated himself just a little bit more because he knew that with every time that she would say it without hearing a reply, he would get closer to hearing it for the last time.

And now here he was, stuck at twenty, forever, because he knew her well enough to know that it was over, really, truly over, with no one to blame but himself.

The worst thing was that for every time she said it, he had wanted to say it tenfold, had wanted to shower her with those words until she grew sick and tired of them. Had, on the worst days, wanted to just grip her by the shoulders and shake, shake, shake her and tell her, over and over, that he loved her, that he had loved her all this time and would love her for all the time to come.

But he never did, and now she was gone beyond his reach and as much as he hated it, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking that, maybe, this was the best thing that had ever happened to her. The best thing he had ever done for her. And that had to count for something, right?

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joongbin · 1 year

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So you know how skz just had their fan meeting?

Than how do you think skz will react to their crush (member reader) who coming from an underground dancing and rapping past, knowing how to freestyle really well in both categories and being a pro with b boying/dance break, who usually doesn't sing a lot (very uncommon for him to sing) and has a voice as deep as felix's if not deeper 👀 when he raps, decieds to show off his singing to everyone and their mama where when he sings reader has this really strong, drop dead gorgous, stunning, show stopping oper-ish and/or falsetto-ish voice.

Tbh honest I was listening to dimash's cover of vitas's opera N⁰2- дом мой достроен when this idea came up to my mind

➤ NOT THE USUAL. - SKZ!OT8

꒰ having a deep voice, being good at freestyling in both rap and dancing. you were good at everything! except, stays haven't heard you sing. not even once.

+ pairings: skz!ot8 x 9thmbr!m!reader (not seperate)

× warnings: none.

# genre: idk...

& a/n:: idk how the fanmeeting went so... its short.. 😭

You entered the stage with your members, smiling and waving at all the stays that were infront of you.

The eight of you performed multiple songs that were in the 5 STAR album, such as ITEM, S-CLASS, and more. Your part was loved by stays, your deep voice echoing through the stadium.

After the performance, you all decided to rest and play games prepared for you. You sat down on chairs and played the first game, Q&A session.

You each opened a question that was on a piece of paper and read it out. Your question was, ‘ could you tell STAY about your past? ’

You chuckled at the question before answering it.

“ Well, I come from an underground rapping and dancing. That was my training before joining JYP, it was way more fun there than it was at JYP's. I could show you guys some freestyle rapping and dancing.. ”

You smiled at STAYs as they screamed their lungs out, ultimately ending with you laughing and falling on your knees.

You cleared your throat before starting your rap, that mainly consisted of complimenting the other members while you danced to whatever beat you made up within your rap.

Everyone loved it. You were sweating and panting, pushing your hair back a little as you smiled, enjoying the atmosphere you set.

As the fanmeeting went on, you were asked to sing a song by Felix. You chuckled, rubbing your arm with a nervous smile.

You decided to sing; (insert song). You liked this song alot, so why not show STAY your favourite song while singing it?

You put the microphone in front of your lips, smiling as you tried to hold in your laugh. The DJs at the back played the songs' karaoke version, and you started singing.

Your deep voice echoed through the whole fanmeeting, you couldn't hit a few high notes due to how deep your voice was, but still, it was a performance.

After you finished singing, the entire stadium of people screamed that rung in your ears, even you couldn't hear what the members were saying after that.

Even your mates were surprised.

“ (name).. you should get more singing lines.. ” Han was head over heels for your singing voice, really, everyone was.

While the members complimented you, your cheeks heated up and you started to get a little shy. Receiving lots of compliments isn't really your thing, other than the first times people hear your voice.

You were happy after the fanmeeting. You met STAY as you high fived them, took their gifts and even recorded a few videos for them.

#stray kids #skz #stray kids x y/n #skz x male reader #stray kids x male reader #bang chan x male reader #lee know x male reader #seo changbin x male reader #hwang hyunjin x reader #han jisung x male reader #lee felix x male reader #kim seungmin x reader #yang jeongin x male reader #kpop x male reader

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omegalomania · 1 year

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i kept forgetting to do this, but i finally remembered we got permission to upload the full pieces done for the SEASONS ZINE! they're not quite as good without @deathchic's gorgeous prose accompanying them, but they were really exciting to put together.

full breakdowns of the symbolism and unobstructed views of each card can be found beneath the cut, fully transcribed. as a warning, they are LONG.

my category was "fall," which encompassed the folie and save rock and roll eras, including the welcome to the new administration mixtape and pax am days ep. seeing as i've a great deal of love for all four of those works and fall out boy has four members, i decided to highlight each work by creating a tarot-inspired card, each featuring a member of the band.

Welcome to the New Administration: Pete Wentz

Pete was the primary organizer behind the viral campaign for CitizensFOB, making him the ideal pick for this card. His card prominently features his bass guitar with the iconic Clandestine logo.

Repeating Number 4: 4 stars above the eagle's head, 4 markings across the cube at the center, 4 members of the band

The tri-colored drapes behind Pete were suspended behind the band on the mixtape cover. The curtains parting over a black background signifies the oncoming hiatus.

The cube-like geometric shape in front of the eagle represents the single promotional art done for "America's Suitehearts," which was one of the tracks demoed in the mixtape and one of the singles that connected most prominently with the themes of the mixtape.

The shield Pete carries and the eagle mounted behind him are both symbols that were used to promote the CitizensFOB viral campaign, featuring the catchphrase: "For Our Betterment, There Is More Mayhem."

Pete's apparel is what he was wearing for the Believers Never Die Part Deux tour, in which there was a lot of direct satirization of Wall Street and American politics. All the band members were wearing suits and looking visibly battered, and Pete had a nosebleed. Patrick also has a nosebleed on his own card; both Pete and Patrick's cards are pre-hiatus projects.

The symbols at the four corners of the card are indicative of the imagery surrounding the campaign. The pointing hand comes from the cover for the mixtape; the airplane is a reference to the "Mailbaick Vaintey and Pidetaerson Firm" videos and accounts that were used in the viral campaign; the wolf head is for the "Alpha Dog" demo, which made its debut on the CitizensFOB mixtape and namedropped "Welcome to the New Administration" title in its demo form; the boomerang is for the "Lake Effect Kid" demo, which also made its debut on the CitizensFOB mixtape.

"The Citizen" is an obvious reference to the "Citizens For Our Betterment" campaign name.

The card features 12 colors, all colorpicked from the Welcome to the New Administration mixtape cover. This represents the 12 artists who contributed the mixtape musically (not merely speaking roles): The Academy Is..., Butch Watcher, The Cab, Cobra Starship, Fall Out Boy, Four Year Strong, Gym Class Heroes, Hey Monday, The Hush Sound, Panic! At The Disco, A Rocket to the Moon, and Tyga.

The background elements are indicative of the state of the band prior to the hiatus: the leaves are in tatters and shreds. The sunflower is a native Chicago variant, Helianthus occidentalis, late-blooming sunflower that lasts well into early fall. Sunflowers obviously have a strong association with the sun, but they also stand for adoration, loyalty, good fortune, vitality, longevity, and prosperity. The bright yellow color also associates them with intelligence, happiness, and friendship. Van Gogh had a famous Sunflower series, leading to the obvious connection to Infinity on High, the album preceding the Folie era. This made it a good pick for the pre-hiatus cards, since it was loyalty and friendship that led to the hiatus and ultimately to the band's longevity and vitality. Both Folie à Deux and the Welcome to the New Administration mixtape had more yellow tones than their post-hiatus counterparts as well, thus the pick of a yellow flower.

Folie à Deux: Patrick Stump

Patrick has stated that Folie à Deux is the most "him" out of Fall Out Boy's discography, making him ideal for this card.

Repeating Number 4: 4 electric bursts from the microphone, 4-sided symbol mounted on the microphone, 4 ruffles on Dr. Benzedrine's front

The card features 13 colors to represent the 13 tracks on the album itself (excluding bonus tracks). All colors were colorpicked directly from the album cover.

The anchor is a reference to the lyrics of "27," with a crown symbol on it in reference to "Headfirst Slide into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet."

There are 9 stripes on the upper side of the background, as a reference to "West Coast Smoker" - the suicidal cats have 9 lives.

The microphone represents Patrick's role as vocalist. It is also a reference to "(Coffee's for Closers)," as the microphone stand is electrified.

Patrick's right half is modeled after his costume in the "America's Suitehearts" video, "Dr. Benzedrine." He has a nosebleed in reference to the lyrics of the song that is his namesake, "20 Dollar Nose Bleed." Both he and Pete represent pre-hiatus projects, and both have bleeding noses.

Patrick's left half is modeled after his costume in the "What A Catch, Donnie" video. He has 20 stripes on his shirt - half black and half white, keeping with themes of duality. The 20 total stripes also references "20 Dollar Nose Bleed."

The background on the bottom half is shattered into 15 visible fragments, indicating the 15 tracks of the full album (when including bonus tracks such as "Pavlove" and "Lullabye"). There are also 27 fragments scattered between the two halves of Patrick, representing "27" and the 27 club.

The symbols at the four corners have dual meanings, in keeping with the theme of duality. The bee is both a lyrical reference to "Lullabye" and a nod to the intro of "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes"; the storm cloud is both a nod to the lyrics of "She's My Winona" and a reference to the "Mr. Sandman" character in the "America's Suitehearts" video; the horseshoe crab is both a reference to the lyrics on "The (Shipped) Gold Standard" and to the character of "H. Shoe Crab" in the "America's Suitehearts" video; the sunflower acknowledges the lyrics in "27" about shooting the sunshine into one's veins and nods to the flower on the hat of the "Donnie the Catcher" character in the "America's Suitehearts" video.

"The Mirror" references the theming of duality on the album, as well as the fact that the vinyl required a mirror for one to read the tracklisting since the text was printed backwards.

The card features heavy themes of duality to suit the theme of a "madness shared by two." The image is bisected in several respects: Patrick is fractured in two, both halves wearing different costumes and expressions; the shadow in the center is split down the middle; the broken heart in the upper half is also two faces; the image is divided both horizontally and vertically; and a dichotomy of fire (the electrified microphone stand) and water (the anchor).

Save Rock and Roll: Joe Trohman

Joe took a much more active writing role post-hiatus and on this album in particular, making him a good pick to represent Save Rock and Roll.

Repeating Number 4: 4 symbols, 4-pointed symbol holding up the others

The card features 11 colors, representing 11 tracks on the album. All colors were color-picked directly from the album cover, with an emphasis on reds, to suit the "red palette" imagery surrounding the album.

This card is saturated with imagery from the 11-part video series the band released in conjunction with the album, "The Youngblood Chronicles." Joe is wearing the costume he had for the majority of the video series prior to his death.

The card features heavy fire imagery due to this being a motif on the album and on the associated video series, with smoke rising up in the background. This is indicative of the band "rising from the ashes" post-hiatus, and also symbolizes the resurrection of Joe's character at the end of "The Youngblood Chronicles."

The guitar-axe weapon is from the "Death Valley" video and would have been his weapon if he weren't dead at this point in time. The card prominently features Joe's guitar, albeit turned into a weapon, as befitting the theming.

The four symbols mounted behind Joe are also from "The Youngblood Chronicles" - the symbol representing the "Silence the Noise" group; the symbol associated with the gang of child bikers; the symbol the Prince of Darkness tattoos on Joe's hand; and the crown-and-volcano symbol associated with the band post-hiatus. The symbol upon which these four icons are mounted is found on the floor in Heaven in the "Save Rock and Roll" video.

Joe is the only one who does not face the audience directly, and is turned in profile. Given the fictional nature of the narrative of "The Youngblood Chronicles," he has the most distance from the fourth wall.

The symbols at the four corners of the card also draw from imagery from "The Youngblood Chronicles." The disco ball is from the "Where Did the Party Go" video, in which Joe's character dies. The briefcase is a consistent object throughout the entire series, and serves to incite the entire narrative. Patrick's hook hand, also seen throughout, is significant due to Patrick's unwitting role as Joe's murderer. The snake, seen in "Young Volcanoes" and "Just One Yesterday," is representative of the group's collective trauma.

"The Defender" is a reference to the names of the characters of Fall Out Boy in "The Youngblood Chronicles," as they are referred to as "The Defenders of the Faith" in the longform video's opening credits. This title is in and of itself a reference to the title track on Save Rock and Roll.

Pax Am Days: Andy Hurley

The Pax Am Days EP is closest to the band's hardcore roots in terms of sonics and composition, and Andy is the most active in hardcore circles today, which makes him an ideal pick for this card.

Repeating 4: 4 holes in the American flag, 4 supports visible on the toms and bass drum, 4 tears on the left side of the wall

The card features 9 colors, all color-picked from the EP cover, per the 9 tracks on the EP (counting the bonus "New Dreams" Naked Rayguns cover).

There are also 9 tears on the right side of the wall, also befitting the 9 tracks on the EP.

The black-and-white checkered background represents the Pax Am studio where the EP was recorded and after which it was named.

Andy is the only one whose card features him looking directly at the audience, to signify the more intimate recording sessions behind the EP, in which studio chatter and laughter can be heard between every track. Being the drummer of the band, Andy's drumkit is naturally featured very prominently.

The crown-volcano symbol that's become synonymous with the band post-hiatus is (barely) visible mounted on Andy's bass drum. This is a similarity Andy's card shares with Joe's, as they both represent post-hiatus projects.

The American flag was also present in the studio for recording. The flag being torn and shredded on the card relates to tracks on the EP that discuss disillusionment with the American dream ("American Made"). It is also indicative of the eras preceding and following the Pax Am EP (Folie à Deux and the Welcome to the New Administration mixtape, and then American Beauty / American Psycho).

The four symbols at the corners of the card all represent lyrics present on the EP: the crown comes from "We Were Doomed from the Start (The King is Dead)"; the lion comes from "Demigods"; the black widow comes from "Hot to the Touch, Cold on the Inside"; the skull comes from "Love, Sex, Death."

"The Believer" is a reference to the final compilation prior to the band's four-year hiatus, "Believers Never Die." With the band returning seemingly from the dead, it seems that believers truly never die. This is paired with Andy reportedly being the only member of the band who always believed they would get back together, even if none of the others did.

The background elements for the post-hiatus cards feature leaves with much more reddish tones. The color red has a great deal of symbolic meanings, including high energy, vitality, strength, and prosperity. Additionally, the fallen leaves are rich and whole, to contrast the shredded-looking leaves in the background for the pre-hiatus cards. After the hiatus, the band's overall health and mentality was much healthier.

The flower in the background is a Madame Julia Correvon clematis, a wine-red Chicago variant of clematis that blooms in the summer and fall. Clematis flowers are associated with mental acuity, wisdom, travel, aspiration, and mischief. Red clematis in particular is associated with passion, energy, good luck, prosperity, security, physical vitality, and courage. This, along with the red color scheme, made it a good flower to represent the cards for the post-hiatus projects.

#fall out boy #fob #seasons zine #*mine #*art #ids in the alt text #i overthought so much of this symbolism lol #and the flowers arent 100% accurate to what theyre supposed to look like...#alas! it was fun regardless

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shyvioletcat · 1 year

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ROWAELIN MONTH: DAY 10

~ Co-host/Guest Star with Chemistry ~

You might remember this fic from last year. Well, I had plans to make it a one off thing but then I couldn't help it and I got another idea. And I just want to say thank you to everyone who read the first part and loved it. It's so fun when you guys love something as much as I do. Without further delay, please enjoy Part 2 who we really and truly have to thank Rowaelin month and @rowaelinscourt for.

~~~~~

All Aelin could do was stare at her own reflection in the mirror of her dressing room vanity. She didn’t have long before she had to leave her sanctuary and face a crowd of strangers like her entire world hadn’t been rocked at its foundations. Acting was a talent she’d taken to at a very young age, the tales of her dramatics often told around the dinner table. Aelin would be fine, she’d put on one of her charismatic smiles and give her audience her all, and everything would be fine. But for now, it was only her stunned expression to keep her company.

That was how Rowan found her however long later, silent and still as her mind was whirring with thoughts of the future. Aelin had lost track of the minutes spent doing absolutely nothing, and as Rowan appeared in the mirror she startled, a hand flying to her chest as if to stop her heart from flying out of her chest.

“Holy gods, you scared me,” she breathed as Rowan removed his cap and kissed her on the cheek.

“I’m sorry, love,” Rowan murmured onto her skin as he kissed her again. When he noticed she still hadn’t moved, not in the slightest, to look at him or seek out another kiss his voice changed from teasing to concern. “Are you all right?”

Aelin finally found the compulsion to move, swivelling in her makeup chair to face Rowan. It was always infinitely more pleasant when he could come to the studio without the threat of being in front of the camera. Not as exciting for her, but she was still happy to see him. When he came to visit her here Rowan had to sneak in and from the sheer amount of times he’d done he’d developed quite the skill for it. The tricky part was not drawing attention, and with years of practice he had the art of blending in down to a fine art.

The key was appearing so much unlike his professional self that it would take more than a double take to place why he looked so familiar. So today with his scruffy hat hair, hoodie and stubble covered cheeks, he was a far cry from the suave and composed image he gave the camera.

Since Rowan’s last public performance here he’d been promoting his new album and gone on tour. Over the past eight months Aelin had hardly seen him except via a phone screen. The last time they had managed to see each other in person was when he had shows in Suria and snuck away when he should have been sleeping in to come see her. That was about six weeks ago.

“We have a situation,” Aelin had said, looking up at him and jerking her head towards the vanity. “And I think we have this room and that couch to blame.”

Rowan’s brows furrowed then looked to where she had directed. His eyes went wide and he did a few double takes before his gaze finally settled on her. There was an open question in his eyes and Aelin just nodded. Then he let out a shaky laugh as he realised fully what this all meant, a hand rubbing his stubbled chin.

“Well, I guess this changes things,” Rowan finally said.

“Indeed it does,” Aelin confirmed. “We need a plan, and I think I have one.”

THREE AND A HALF MONTHS LATER…

Aelin always got butterflies waiting behind the curtain for the final call of action. The crowd was still humming with chatter and she could hear the last camera checks over her in-ear monitor. This time the butterflies were worse, enough to make her nauseous. Today’s show would be one to be remembered and it had taken a good amount of deceit and scheming to get here.

“Alright, Aelin,” a voice said into her ear. “Curtains open in five, four, three…”

Aelin took in a deep breath, the last two counts sounding in her head. Two, One.

The applause started and then the curtains opened, Aelin taking the ten steps forward to get to her mark. She smiled and waved while she made eye contact with a few people seated in the audience. There were cheers and whistles, and when it went on a little too long Aelin held up her hands to start quieting them down as the prompt screen undoubtedly displayed QUIET PLEASE. Once the audience had settled Aelin began her welcoming monologue.

“Thank you so much,” she said, her smile stretching wide, and there were cheers again. “Now, now, as much as I would love to stand here and lap up every bit of your admiration, I don't get paid for that.” There was a healthy amount of laughter. “I get paid to put on a show and what a show do we have planned for today. They’re always special, what am I talking about? It reminds of something my father used to say, slightly inappropriate but I think—”

The strum of a guitar interrupted her and Aelin made sure she looked affronted even though she knew exactly what was going on. When the the chord turned into music she sent a confused look to the audience a millisecond before they broke out in raucous cheers. Aelin whirled around to see Rowan strutting out, centrestage from where she had been standing moments before with the smallest of smug smiles on his face. He was looking down at his guitar and Aelin put her hands on her hips to show her displeasure. Rowan had the gall to wink at her. If he wasn’t careful he’d give the whole gig away.

Even though it wasn’t his job, it was Fenrys who darted out from the wings and dropped a mic and stand in front of Rowan, and then he was gone again. It became a stand off, Rowan playing while he challenged her with a look that told her to get off his stage, even though it was her stage.

He had to win for the whole ploy to work, so Aelin gave an overexaggerated and exasperated sigh, her hands falling to her sides as half turned to the audience as she said, “I guess I know when I’m not needed.”

It was hard, but Aelin withheld her own smile as she gave Rowan the limelight. He hadn’t stopped playing, the chords effortlessly coming from the instrument and he never missed a beat. Aelin found a spot by the foot of the low steps near her interview platform, right beside Fenrys who had decided not to head out of sight. He nudged her with his elbow and winked. Aelin tried not to look too pleased with herself.

The tempo picked up and Rowan readied himself in front of the microphone. Aelin’s breath caught in her chest, it always did in the anticipation of the song beginning. It always happened when Rowan was about to sing. He closed his eyes, grounding himself to the melody and then his deep voice filled the studio.

I found a love, for me

Darling, just dive right in and follow my lead

Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet

“Sweet?” Fenrys muttered under his breath.

Aelin tried very hard not to snort and ruin Rowan’s performance. “Artistic licence. Now hush”

'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love

Not knowing what it was.

They might not have been kids but they were young and stupid enough to mistake their mutual animosity for other feelings that were way at the other end of the spectrum. When they had admitted to their true feelings it was like Aelin’s entire world had fallen into place. Rowan was everything she wanted and she had just been too willfully ignorant to see. Thank the gods they had come to their senses. Eventually.

I will not give you up this time

But darling, just kiss me slow

Your heart is all I own

And in your eyes, you're holding mine

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favourite song

When you said you looked a mess

I whispered underneath my breath

But you heard it

Darling, you look perfect tonight

Aelin remembered that night, Rowan had surprised her after she’d been deep cleaning her house all day. It was the first time that Rowan had seen her so dishevelled. Her cheeks had burned, he didn’t notice, just sweeping into her kitchen to make dinner. They had sat outside, eating on a blanket, and after Rowan had pulled her to her feet to dance under the night’s sky, the cooling grass beneath their feet.

The backing curtain rose, revealing a small band to accompany Rowan and his guitar playing. The music swelled to new heights and Aelin was reminded of just how much she loved this song.

Well, I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know

She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home

I found a lover, to carry more than just my secrets

To carry love, to carry children of our own

Unconsciously Aelin’s hand drifted to her stomach. It was an unconscious gesture, but how could she not when he was singing about that.

We are still kids, but we're so in love

Fighting against all odds

I know we'll be alright this time

Darling, just hold my hand

Be my girl, I'll be your man

I see my future in your eyes

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favourite song

When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful

I don't deserve this

Darling, you look perfect tonight

When the instrumental bridge began Rowan stopped playing, letting the backing band have their moment. Confused, Aelin sent him a questioning look with a raised eyebrow. He just pulled his guitar over his head, walked over and handed it over to Fenrys. Before Aelin could even ask aloud about whatever was going on right now Rowan had taken her hand and spun her into a dance. Fenrys’ laugh was audible and she knew they must have looked quite the sight. It was hard not to melt into his embrace, which came to her so naturally in this moment. They were still on camera, and they had images to maintain. Her the larger than life social star, he the cold and callous musician, although with this break in character Rowan’s was very quickly unravelling. Aelin knew this song by heart, he’d played it for her enough, so she knew when he had danced too long for that standard interlude, but the band covered him.

He did dance her back over to her spot by the stage before it was too obvious that he was stalling and took his guitar back. Rowan was effortlessly able to join back in, his voice impassioned as he started the final rendition of the chorus.

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favourite song

I have faith in what I see

Now I know I have met an angel in person

And she looks perfect

I don't deserve this

By the gods he did. With everything that he had been through and what he had given to Aelin without question, he deserved every bit of happiness they had together. As her thoughts ran off the music slowed, Rowan closing out the song, strumming the last few chords himself and ending it on a truly acoustic note.

You look perfect tonight

The applause was deafening, and Aelin joined in. Like he always did, Rowan went a little shy when accepting the adoration being rained down on him. His cheeks went a delectable shade of pink and he nodded at the crowd who just kept clapping. Aelin gave Fenrys a jab in the arm to get him moving off camera and out of the way. Knowing the camera was now on her, Aelin put on her signature teasing smirk, clapping as Rowan approached. Gods damn him, but he held out his hand like the gentleman to help her up the miniscule steps. His back was to the camera, convenient as he scowled at the towering heels she’d chosen to wear today. He would say they were a safety concern, Aelin was adamant they made her outfit.

They sat in the arms chairs, sinking into the plush cushions. Their eyes were on each other while they waited for the commotion to die down enough for the interview to start. Rowan must have made quite the impression because it took the QUIET PLEASE flashing longer than usual for the audience to follow the instruction. When they finally did Aelin grinned.

“How dare you interrupt my monologue,” she said.

Rowan had assumed his cool and aloof demeanour, and he just shrugged. “That song was more heartfelt than any spiel you were about to give.”

Aelin gasped. “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

In fact, she’d woken him up with soft kisses that had led to more, and he’d left bed in the best mood possible.

“Now that song,” Aelin said, drawing out each word. “It’s a love song, and from those beautifully written, heartfelt words, it feels like it might have been written about someone special.”

“If you have a question, Aelin, just ask it,” Rowan challenged.

She lent forward, the thrill of the game exciting her. “I have many questions. First, what can you tell me about this,” Aelin waved her hand flippantly over her shoulder, where she knew a photo from Rowan’s Instagram was being shown. “I showed this post a few months ago and I can tell you there were more than a few broken hearts in this studio.”

A murmur of agreement rippled through the audience. Aelin shot a glance at the picture, admiring the large emerald set in a gold band. Rowan couldn’t have done better in picking the perfect engagement ring for her, Aelin had hated that she hadn’t been able to wear it and to show it off. The only public admittance of their relationship was this photo and because it only showed Aelin’s hand she had remained anonymous. There was just the widespread devastation that Rowan Whitethorn was officially off the market, the media sent into a tizzy because no one knew who his mystery woman was. It cost them both an exorbitant amount in NDAs but somehow they had managed to keep it all out of the public eye.

“My favourite comment is this one: WTF But you and Aelin! I shipped the two of you so hard. You’ve broken my heart,” Aelin read. “How could you break their heart like that, Rowan? Have you no compassion?”

“I don’t know how people can see the way we interact and imagine us together,” Rowan said.

“Shipping is the word you’re looking for,” Aelin explained. “You may be too old to be down with the lingo, unfortunately.”

Rowan scoffed, selling his arrogance. “I could say the same about you, I doubt kids today know what the word lingo means.”

“At least I’m not as old as you,” Aelin threw in a little bite to her words to make her anger believable. “I have that going for me amongst all my other admirable and desirable qualities.”

“If you say so.” She saw Rowan fighting his smile but he kept his composure in the end. “You just like anything that draws attention to you. Never mind how ridiculous and unfounded that attention might be.”

“I see falling in love hasn’t done any favours to you manners,” Aelin teased.

“Maybe it’s just you, Aelin. You seem to make it your mission to make me as nasty as I can be." Rowan sounded both impatient and offended, a practised tone for him.

“What can I say, I love to ruffle your feathers. And It’s not my fault they’re so easily ruffled,” Aelin countered. “But I should at least offer my congratulations. An engagement is one thing but I’m more interested in what comes after.”

A video played on the large screen behind the two of them, the song Rowan had just sung playing again in lower quality with just him and his guitar. Aelin watched the grainy video footage, seeing him dressed in dark pants with the buttons of is white shirt rolled to his elbows, the rest of his features were blurred by the terrible quality of the camera work. His stand out feature was his voice as he sang to an unknown figure. The heads of the guests obscured the view of who that was, the only thing that was seen of her was her hands dancing above her head for a few moments. Fenrys had done a wonderful job purposefully terrible camera work.

There were some murmurs from the audience as they put together the other pieces of information the video showed them. It was more than clear what this delightful snippet was from, but Aelin began the dance anyway.

“That looks like you’re at a wedding,” she said.

“My own, in fact,” Rowan confirmed. There were a few cheers at that, the news wasn’t new. It had been hard won but they had managed to fully control what information had gone out about the special event. “You should know, you were there.”

This time there were a few surprised gasps and muttering of what. The animosity between Aelin and Rowan was notorious, and although some tabloids tried to put a flirtatious spin on it it never seemed to stick. Their feuding held more entertainment and money.

“I wasn’t invited directly, I came as a plus one for a very important guest.” Aelin lent back in her chair, consciously keeping her hands on the arms of it. “It was a magical affair and a wonderful night. I must say though, I think you could have done better. You’re worth millions after all.”

Rowan’s eyebrows rose with indignant surprise. “Care to elaborate?”

“Well, the venue for starters,” Aelin said. “It felt like a prison inside, all those high walls and artificial lighting. Why were we punished for your success?”

“I’m a private man, as you well know. There’s certain things I can’t compromise on to maintain it.”

“And the colour scheme,” she made a disgusted sound. “So basic. Green and gold? Sounds like the colour scheme for a sports team.”

There was a chuckle from Rowan at that. “I didn’t know you paid attention to such things.”

“You’d be surprised at what I pay attention to,” Aelin said with a flirtatious wink. “That dress. Stunning. Couldn’t have chosen a more stunning piece of art.”

“At least you have one positive thing to say,” even though he sounded completely unimpressed. “She was stunning as ever, even though wedding planning did make her kind of a diva.”

Aelin lent a hand on her chin, a smile quirking up the side of her mouth even though she wanted to insist the contrary. “Pity about that, though I’d say your temperaments match. Or more likely she realised it was your sorry ass that she was marrying and didn’t want you to face the embarrassment of being left at the altar. I think you should thank her for that kindness.”

“Anything else that didn’t meet your expectations, your Highness?” Rowan made sure to add an edge of mocking to his voice, but Aelin could see the mirth dancing in his eyes.

Aelin tapped her chin, sending a conspiring look to the audience as they sat on the edge of their seats waiting for her next biting quip. “The wine, I would have chosen better.” That held some truth, because Aelin hadn't exactly participated in the trying before buying.

“You didn’t even drink any,” Rowan said, almost ruining everything by laughing. They would need to wrap this up quickly before he gave them away completely. This man couldn’t keep a secret to save his life.

“That,” she drew the word out as a warning, “was because I heard it was so terrible I didn’t even bother with it. Now let’s get back to your lovely little song.”

“If you’d like,” Rowan added callously.

In return Aelin sent him a wry smile. “I understand it was for your wife. A serenade for her on your wedding day.”

Rowan just nodded. There was a call of but who is she from the audience. Host and guest both pointedly ignored it.

“The lyrics are beautiful, and obviously come from the heart. She must be a very lucky woman to have your devotion.” Then Aelin turned towards the audience. “Who knew Rowan Whitethorn could be such a softy, even his vows had me in tears.”

There was no word of a lie there. As Rowan had declared his love to her, and promised to honour and care for them as long as he lived, Aelin couldn’t keep back the tears. Her father had to pass her his pocket square so she could dab the tears away without ruining her makeup.

“Over all, it was quite the party,” Aelin said.

Rowan snuck her a secret smile. “It was.”

“I’d say the party really started once the bride and groom left,” Aelin mused.

“Did it just?” Rowan said in that dry way of his.

“Mhmm,” she hummed, trying not to remember too vividly how they had gone back to their room and really celebrated lest she blush on camera. “Your presence has that kind of impact.”

Rowan had to look down to hide most of his smile as he shook his head at her antics. It really was time to wrap it up before he lost all restraint and just blurted everything out because Aelin teased too hard and he bit too quickly.

“Where is your shiny new wedding ring anyway? It just about blinded me at the reception,” Aelin said.

This was the predetermined phrase that would uncover them at last. For nearly two years Aelin and Rowan had managed to keep their relationship private and out of the public eye. They were about to undo all their hard work, but it was about time and most definitely worth it. Bringing their relationship to light would save them from all the speculation and rumours that continuously surrounded them. Not completely, there would always be gossip of cheating and the like, but it would be nice not to hide anymore.

Rowan shifted so that he could reach into his back pocket and then showed off his ring, holding it between his thumb and forefinger. “I took it off to play, didn’t want it getting in the way.”

Even though they had no idea what they were anticipating, the audience seemed to be holding their breath, waiting for something to happen. Rowan slipped his ring onto his finger then looked right at Aelin.

“I’ve got yours, too,” Rowan said, this time reaching into the pocket over his heart. There was tittering from the audience, Aelin struggled to keep her face neutral. “I found them on the bathroom counter, I thought you might want them.”

The was a singular, very high pitched WHAT from someone in the audience. Rowan held out his hand to her, palm up with the emerald on full display.

Biting her bottom lip to stop her grin was futile and Aelin only had eyes for Rowan as she said, “Thank you, but I’d left them there on purpose.”

Rowan was grinning too, his eyes darting down to her stomach. “Why?”

“Well, I couldn’t get them on,” Aelin said casually, risking a glance at her audience who looked like they were ready to explode. “My fingers were too swollen. Tends to happen when you’re pregnant.”

Absolutely pandemonium broke out. Aelin stood, watching as the audience collectively lost their mind and smoothed her hands over her dress, showing off the small bump she had hidden beneath. Everyone was on their feet, cheering and clapping, there were whistles and a few screams. She smiled, caressing her bump affectionately again. It had been difficult but they had managed to keep the pregnancy out of public knowledge. A few of the tabloids had run stories about her looking pregnant but when nothing came of it, they just gave up. Aelin had faced pregnancy allegations every other week for years, this time it wasn’t a lie. She was just too good at keeping secrets. A baby had been a surprise, to say the least, but not at all an unwelcome one. The wardrobe department had a hard time dressing her lately in an attempt to hide the pregnancy and to keep her comfortable. Even more NDAs were handed out over it.

And then Rowan stood too, off script. He swept an arm around her waist and she went willingly into his embrace. Rowan tucked her hair behind her ear and gave her a sweet smile, the kind that was just for her, his eye crinkling in the corner. When he kissed her Aelin let him, returning it fervently. It was probably too amorous for day time television but Aelin couldn’t find it in herself to care—not when Rowan whispered I love you and looked at her like that.

Once the chaos died down Rowan had been sent off and Aelin had to focus on her real job, Getting through the rest of the show had been a feat. As soon as Rowan had left the stage Aelin pretended like nothing had happened. The next segment had been promoting various popular books, followed by video chatting a school telling them her studio was providing them with iPads. All in all, it was a fantastic show, but now that it was over she was free to return to her dressing room.

Rowan was waiting for her, arm draped over the back of the couch and looking far too good. Aelin tried not to slam the door but her excitement got the better of her. Kicking off her heels she wasted no more time before climbing into Rowan’s lap, grabbing his face with both hands and kissing him. His hands went to her waist, his thumbs brushing over her sides.

When they finally broke apart Rowan said, “You could have let up a little.”

“I’m still mad about it being a shotgun wedding,” Aelin pulled back and narrowed her eyes at him. “I don’t know if it was the hormones or purely the lyrics but I had to blink back the tears.”

“How is that my fault? You’ve heard that song a hundred times.” Rowan was giving her a look that only insisted that part was not his fault.

Aelin ignored it completely. “And you almost gave it away so many times, like when you told the world I wasn’t drinking.”

Rowan's deep chuckle rumbled through his chest and he urged her closer. “We were heading in a wedding direction anyway. We just needed a little bit of a push. You can’t blame me for getting a little excited over telling everyone.”

His hand rested over her stomach, right over the tiny thing that had given them much more than a little push. Finding out that they were pregnant had accelerated all the plans they had for their future. They didn’t see the point in waiting to get engaged or prolonging the time between that and a wedding. They had chosen each other, and like their vows had said, they were in this together until whatever end. Still, the joke of the shotgun wedding was too funny to let go of, and there had also been the fact she hadn’t been able to wear her engagement ring outside the house. It was beautiful and deserved to be shown off.

The feeling of Rowan’s lips making their way up her neck drew her back to the present. “I worked it out.”

“Worked what out?” Rowan asked but wasn’t deterred by her shift in topic and kissed her jaw.

“That we most likely conceived on this very couch,” Aelin explained. “You were busy with your tour and I checked the dates and you were only in town for those few days.”

Rowan stopped kissing her to laugh. “Is this a lucky couch then?”

“Hmm, I dunno,” Aelin said, her hand slipping into his hair tugging it just the way he liked. “I certainly like to get lucky on it.”

Rowan groaned, leaning in so that scrape his teeth over the sensitive skin of her neck. “Did you lock the door?”

The words were whispered onto her skin and made Aelin shiver. All resolve lost, she melted against Rowan, sighing as his hands wandered over her body. Gods, she needed him, her blood still thrumming from all the excitement of the interview. And she could feel how much Rowan needed her, a teasing roll of her hips only intensifying the situation.

“There’s no need,” Aelin said and Rowan pulled back enough to see his face. “To quote our dear friend Fenrys, after all that foreplay no one would even risk disturbing us right now.”

Rowan’s grin was near feral. “No more wasted time then.”

They both moved, meeting in the middle for a kiss that set every fire within them blazing. The couch it seemed, would prove to be more than useful yet again. And like Aelin had said, lessons had been learned and no one interrupted them… this time.

~~~~~

Hope you like that one! I know I certainly did

#rowelin month #rowaelin month 2023 #dressing room drama

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