#i love this game i went through and did like 25 different things and had so much fun

[artificerstimetable]

AurhghhfhrhgbrjwhtbsbdWE WANT TO FINSIH THIS GRRRRAHHHHgh

[soffsh2]

What Once Was

Plot Summary: After Jackie left you for Jeff in your teen years, you’ve done all you could to avoid running into her. You decide to go to your high school’s 25 year reunion once you hear that Jackie wasn’t going to attend. How were you to know she’d show up anyway.

1996

Jackie had been acting strange for the last few days. In fact, it felt like she had been pulling away from you since graduation. You’d gotten to the point where you had to call her friends to see if she was acting as odd with them as she was with you. Though none of them had an answer for you, she was acting the same with everybody else. Only things with you were different.

Earlier in the day, you had called Shauna, telling her that you were going to go talk to Jackie and finally see what was wrong. You had given her time to come to you and explain the reason for how she was acting, but she wouldn’t budge. And the longer it went on, the quieter Jackie became. It almost seemed like she was avoiding you, but she wouldn’t do that to her girlfriend. You were positive that you just needed to assure her that you would both do fine with long distance. 

You drove over to the Taylor’s house and found an unfamiliar truck parked where you usually do. Walking up to the house, you could hear the sounds of voices through the open windows. You knock on the front door, expecting Jackie or either of her parents to open it up. You were certainly not expecting the door to open and have you face-to-face with Jeff Sadecki.

He groaned, speaking as he retreated further into your girlfriend's house. “Jackie, can you not have your friends come visit when we’re on a date?” Pfff, a date? Jackie’s parents are probably trying to set them up again. That poor, delusional asshole, you thought. Jackie bounced cheerfully to the door until she saw you standing there. Her face quickly changed, and she hurriedly pushed you outside, closing the door behind you both.

You always thought Jackie’s parents suspected you and her, but you never thought they’d go this far. "Wow, your parents have hit a new low. I mean, setting you up on a date with Jeff Sadecki? Jesus.” You laughed for a second, until you realized Jackie wasn’t laughing with you. Actually, she had the most sympathetic look on her face that she’s ever directed at you. Immediate concern filled your body. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Y/n. My parents didn’t set this up; I did.” Your face dropped instantly. “Jax, what? What’re you talking about?” She tried to hold your hands when she explained herself to you, but you immediately shook yourself out of her grasp. “Y/n… I can’t do this. I can’t be that way. It’s not natural.” You didn’t believe the words that she was saying. Two weeks ago, she was happily in love with you, telling you and every one of her teammates as much. And now, this? 

“Jackie, woah, where is this coming from? You felt your throat start to close up. Jackie was slowly trying to move you further from the door, afraid that her parents or Jeff would hear you.

“Please don’t make this more difficult for me than it already is. I don’t want to hurt you; I just can't be like that with you anymore.” She was trying not to make her words sound as harsh as they were, and she was failing horrendously at it. The more she spoke, the more you teared up. Seeing that seemed to send her into even more of a panic as she continued talking. “I don’t like women. I’m meant to be with someone like Jeff. It just makes sense.” She tried to rationalize.

She was about to say more when you heard Jeff’s voice call from inside. “Babe! Get back in here; you’re gonna miss the highlights of my game!” She tried not to look too unhappy before she returned her gaze to you. You could see her face falter when she looked at you, standing on her doorstep crying because of what she did. Whatever sliver of her that felt bad for her actions was swiftly hidden away as she opened her front door once again. She looked at you with a stoic face and sad eyes when she said her last words to you. “Goodbye Y/n.”

Tears cascaded down your cheeks on the drive home. It felt like you were living in a fucking nightmare. It certainly didn’t feel real. Some part of you couldn’t blame her, you had known the pressure her parents put on her. She always seemed like she carried the world on her shoulders, but those were expectations she put on herself. Upon getting home, you immediately ran upstairs and fell into your bed.

You were only home for a few minutes when you got a call on your landline. You wanted to ignore it, but a part of you hoped that it was Jackie calling to tell you it was all a bad joke and she was sorry. You quickly answered. “Hello? Jackie?” Your tone was hopeful, bordering on desperate. “Uh, no?” A different voice fills your ears.

“Oh hi, Shauna.” You couldn't hide the disappointment that laced through your voice when you realized that Jackie wasn’t going to call. “I was just calling to see if you were home already, but I didn’t expect you to be home this soon. What happened at Jackie’s—” The mention of Jackie's name made you breakdown. “Shauna,… she left me.” The other end of the line went quiet before Shauna recovered from her surprise. “She what? No. She wouldn't.” Her voice sounded distant, and she sounded as confused as you felt. “She did. She dumped me for Jeff fucking Sadecki.” 

The fact that anyone would view Jeff as an upgrade was comical to Shauna, but she had to stifle her laugh when she heard you speak again. “Is it really that big of an issue for her to love me?” All the emotion was drained from your voice. It made Shauna uncomfortable to hear you like that. “Hold on, I’m coming over.”

Shauna made it to your house in record time. You both just sat in her car as you explained everything through sniffles. For a while, she was waiting for Jackie to pop out and say it was a prank, but no such relief came. She brought no words of comfort for you, Shauna was never good at pep talks. In fact, she would say that the only thing she was good at was brooding. However, she never left you to handle your sadness alone.

If it weren’t for Shauna showing up for you that summer, you weren’t sure how you would have fared. She had become your rock and did everything with you. You were close enough while you were dating her best friend, but this just felt different. There was not a thing you’d do that she wasn’t asking to accompany you with. Good thing too; she would always spot when Jackie and Jeff were nearby before you could see the pair. 

She’d saved you a lot of grief for the rest of the summer before you finally got peace when Jackie left for college. No more worrying about bumping into her at your favorite Deli that she’d loved. No possibility of running into her while she was on a date with Jeff. It was a start for everything to become easier for you. A couple weeks had passed, and you were finally feeling okay. You had even begun to forget the reason for your new-found friendship with Shauna.

It was at a coffee shop, about a week before Shauna was to leave for Brown, that it happened. You sat together on the patio of the café, laughing at something that Mari had told her earlier. Shauna’s mother had gotten her a brand new flip phone to go away to college with. She left it on the table after showcasing it to you. All of a sudden, the little thing lights up and rings. You look down and see her name plainly displayed on the screen. Everything came back to you then. You were reminded of the girl who made all of this happen. Shauna looked at the phone, saw the name that flashed on the tiny screen, and excused herself. She was not nearly far enough that you couldn’t hear her whisper yelling at Jackie. Discussing Jackie’s latest argument with Jeff and deflecting every time Jackie asked who Shauna was with, that she had to whisper. 

Beyond the reminder of Jackie that day, you had the daunting realization that you couldn’t continue your friendship with Shauna. It was wrong of you to take away and monopolize the time of your ex-girlfriend's best friend. Moreover, realizing you’d have to coexist alongside Jackie still being in Shauna’s life and possibly encountering her in one way or another was enough to make your decision final. After Shauna went to University, you’d stop talking to her.

When Shauna left, she had given you her mailbox number and the number of her new phone, so you could call and write to her often. She left with a smile and yelled at you to promise that you’d call before the end of her first week at Brown. You just smiled at her as her mother drove her away, waving goodbye to her until the old station wagon disappeared from view. 

 

2021

The years drifted by quickly as you tried to forget all about Jackie Taylor and the rest of your old friends in Wiskayok. You were glad to have gone to a college far enough from your hometown, it made it easier to stay there and disappear from everyone. You had tried dating afterwards, but everything seemed so dull in comparison. The feeling of having her love you was something indescribable. To have a random person fill the place that you always thought would belong to Jackie just didn’t feel right. You told yourself you enjoyed the solitude. Convinced yourself that it was your own choice rather than a decision made without your blessings.

You were intent on keeping it that way too, trying not to remember any people from home. But that’s when you got the call. “Hey Y/n, it's Misty, Misty Quigley from high school.” You’re not sure you ever gave Misty your number, so you wonder how she has it now. "Yeah, hi Misty, I remember. How’ve you been?” You say unenthused; you didn’t actually care to know. “Doing good; I’m an attendant at a nursing home. So I’m living the dream! But… I’d be doing better if you came to the reunion this year.” 

The words were like a punch to the face. “Misty no—” She’s quick to cut you off. “Come on, Y/n, nobody has seen or heard from you in years; some people probably think you’re dead at this point.” She was practically begging over the phone. “And I am fine to keep it that way, happy even.” You attempt to shut it down again. “Y/n…please. The girls miss you.” That tugged on your heart a little. “Misty, really, I can’t—” She cuts you off yet again with her best argument all evening. “Jackie won’t be there.”

You were well aware that Jackie never misses the opportunity to go to the reunions, and thus you avoided going at all costs. It’s only when Misty sighs and tells you that Jackie cannot attend this year because of some furniture convention in Philadelphia that Jeff was dragging her to that you begrudgingly agreed to go. You hadn’t kept up with your old friends and teammates, just to avoid ever running into Jackie. You rationalized that it’d be nice to see them again with no fear of running into her. And this opportunity probably won’t come again for another 25 years, so you figured you might as well. So you reply to the Facebook invitation that you’ll be attending and prepared yourself.

The day of the reunion approached faster and faster until you found yourself sitting in your car in the parking lot of your old high school, fidgeting with your dress shirt. Practically doing all that you could to stall actually going inside. The whole place reminded you of Jackie. It made you nearly sick to your stomach. All the hurt caused by her leaving you, which despite it all, was still fresh in your mind. The longer you sat, the more anxious you became. Finally, looking down at your phone and seeing the time prompted you to reach for the door handle and get out. 

Walking through the doors of Wiskayok High, you had expected it to look different, to have been updated at all in the 25 years since your graduation. But no, it's still the same ratty old hallway in the same broken-down school that you remembered. It brought a slight sense of comfort, knowing that you could likely still navigate your way through the entire high school campus without issue.

Approaching the big, blue and yellow decorated doors, the only thing that separated you from people you hadn’t seen in 20+ years, you felt nauseous. You had to keep telling yourself that Jackie wasn’t here to keep your anxiety at bay. So, with a deep breath, you pushed open the large metal doors. It was decorated as well as a high school gym could be, you supposed. A lot of lights strung up with blue and yellow balloons set on each table. 

Right as you enter, you see Misty standing by the photographer and his props. The sound of the closing door can barely be heard over the music playing throughout the gymnasium; however, she could still sense it and turn to see you. The sight brings a large smile to her face as she runs over to lead you to the table with all the other girls. 

As you approach a large round table, you could start to make out the familiar faces of your old friends. Their conversation dies down when Natalie notices you, getting up to greet you. “Holy shit…when Misty told us you were coming, we all just thought she was full of it.” You laugh nervously. You still feel tense from being around people you used to know so well but now felt like strangers. “Well, here I am.” 

You turn around. “Tai, congratulations on the campaign.” Taissa smiles at you before speaking. “Thank you, Y/n… You look great.” She says it so genuinely. You'd guess that when people haven't seen you in years, they can only assume the worst.

Before you could respond, you’re wrapped in a hug by Shauna, much unlike the moody teen you once knew. “Hey Shipman.” You said as you wrapped your arms around her. You embrace her for a moment before she pulls away and punches you in the arm. Now that’s more like the Shauna Shipman you knew. “You stopped responding to me! Don’t ever do that again; I’ve missed seeing you. I really thought that I would never hear from you again.” 

As you gently hold the spot where Shauna laid into your arm, you try to explain yourself. "Shauna, come on, you know I couldn’t keep in touch after everything with...” You gestured to an empty space next to Shauna that, when you were younger, would always be filled by Jackie. Her demeanor changed, and the others went quiet around you as well. 

“You know it never sat right with me, what she did.” She defends. “I know, but she needed you. I wasn’t going to get in the way of that.” She looks at you with sad brown eyes. “You still needed me too.” You shrug. “I wasn’t going to ask you to choose me over your best friend.” Shauna opens her mouth to respond before Taissa grabs you by the shoulders and guides you to sit in one of the chairs. “You guys can talk later; we need to hear about what’s been going on in the past 20 years.”

The tension melted away quickly, and you felt as if you'd picked up right where you left off with them. Everyone tells you about what they’ve been up to. You’re most surprised that Shauna has a daughter now. She hit you again when you told her that she never struck you as the nurturing type. It felt so light and perfect, you knew something had to go wrong.

The metal doors have been opening and closing all night, with people going in and out of the gym. So, of course, you paid it no mind when the metal clicked open and shut once more. You were far too intrigued to hear about Natalie’s latest rehab stint to notice the approaching figure until it was too late.

“Hi guys!” A cheery voice breaks through the crowd. You felt like a deer caught in headlights. You didn’t need to look at her to know who it was. You were frozen, all you could hear were some nervous greetings from around the table. By the tense tone in the girls' voices, it seemed they wanted to be swallowed by the ground just as much as you did. 

You watched her gaze flit to every person before landing on you. “Hi Y/n.” Her smile shone as brightly as you remember it. If you hadn’t known her like you did, you would’ve assumed she was being fake with you. “Hey Jackie.” Your voice low as you tried to avoid her eyes and take a sip of your drink. Shauna laid her hand on your arm and squeezed reassuringly; the action was not lost on Jackie. You watched her eyes focus on the action, her face hiding a barely contained scowl now. She was about to speak again when Misty spoke up.

You thank every higher power in the sky, as it made Jackie face Misty instead of you. Her green eyes felt like they were burning into your skin the longer she stared. “You said you weren’t coming. The convention?” Misty looked like she felt guilty for putting you in this position. You would’ve thought it was a trap, but you knew Jackie. "Oh, didn’t you get my email? Last week, Jeff decided that he wanted to go alone. So I emailed you, saying that I would be attending after all.” 

Jackie was never great at lying. It may not have been obvious to the others, but to you and Shauna, you could read Jackie like a book. You turned to Shauna with a suspicious look, and her face mirrored your own. Misty gave her a confused look. “You didn’t email me.” Jackie feigned surprise. "Oh, silly me, I must’ve written it up but never sent it.” She turned to the table with a ‘what can you do’ expression and a shrug as she moved to sit down. She took the open chair directly across from you. God, it’d be hard to avoid eye contact with her now.

"So, Y/n I haven't heard from you in ages; are you married?” Jackie never had tact when she wanted something, but the sheer audacity to ask stunned you. Everyone else seemed to have the same sentiment as you because the girls all avoided eye contact. Shauna tried to scold Jackie, but that only encouraged her to persist further with you. To cease the girls bickering, you gave her an answer. “Uh, no, Jackie. I’m not.” She tried to push a small smile from her face when she responded. “Oh, really? That’s too bad.” 

At that, Taissa pushed herself from the table, stating that she was going to go get a plate of something to eat. Natalie and Misty both followed her, seeming to find the encounter too awkward to bear. “So, why aren’t you on Facebook?” Jackie continued to pry. 

“I am; I just have a few people blocked.” You didn’t leave anything up for interpretation with your tone. Shauna laughed beside you. She seemed to have read the hint immediately, while Jackie was still catching up. You knew, however, exactly when she figured it out because she instantly pouted. The slight against her did nothing to dissuade her efforts, though. She was as persistent as ever; you could give her that much.

"So, to be clear, you’re not dating anyone? Right?” That was the last straw. You got up from the table, stating that you were going to find the food Tai was referring to. As you left the table, you could hear Shauna chastise Jackie quietly. You couldn’t make out much, but you did hear the distinct sound of Jackie complaining before you were out of earshot. “What Shauna? It’s not like I could check on her Facebook.”

You stayed by the buffet table for a few minutes, making idle chatter with whoever recognized you. Anything to avoid being stuck with Jackie at the table. However, it didn't take long for her to grow bored and go searching for you. She appeared out of nowhere; it almost startled you. It was as if one second you were alone, and the next she was beside you, already opening her mouth to yap.

“Crazy bumping into you. Now that I have you here, you never answered that question back there.” You rolled your eyes and did your best to ignore her. "Oh, come on, Y/n. You never come to these; I just wanna catch up!” You had about had it. Turning to face her completely, you drop the niceties.

“Cut the shit Jackie, you and I both know you’re lying. Why are you really here?” Jackie stands there a little stunned; you’d never snapped like that at her while you were dating. "I, uh… well, I saw that you responded to the Facebook invite and that you were coming. And I just wanted to see you and maybe talk to you.” You don’t have the energy for her right now. “There’s nothing to talk about, Jackie. I don’t want explanations or apologies. Just leave me alone.” You turned and walked back to the table where Shauna was seated alone. 

You sighed as you sat down next to her, with your head in your hands. Shauna leaned over and rubbed your back. She was doing her best to give you some semblance of comfort. She knew this was a lot for you; she didn’t have to say it. It was painfully obvious and awkward enough to send your other three friends running to interact with literally anyone else. When you brought your head back up, you could see Jackie staring at the two of you. She looked so insecure as she stood right where you left her. Shifting uncomfortably on her feet, she looked like a kicked puppy. You laid your head in your hands again and groaned. 

“I don’t know what to do, Shauna; she won’t stop with me.” Your voice came out muffled from your hands. You could hear Shauna sigh next to you, and her hand dropped from your back. "Yeah, she was never great with the word ‘no'.” She laughed. You huffed out a small laugh as well. 

You heard a click of heels on the gym floor coming at you and looked up. You saw Jackie marching over to the table with renewed vigor. She stood directly at your side and placed her hands on her hips when she addressed you. “Y/n I really think we should talk about what happened.” She said it in the exact tone that she would always do when you were teenagers. The same tone that got you to straighten up and do exactly what she said. 

You were getting so frustrated with her. You’d just wanted a moment of peace away from her, and she couldn’t seem to respect that. Fuck it. You stood, turned to Shauna, and offered her your hand. “You wanna dance?” A look of surprise crossed her face, but upon seeing your expression of determination, she smiled and delicately placed her hand in yours. “I’d love to.” She rose from her seat, and you led her to the dance floor, leaving Jackie with a look of utter shock as you brushed past her.

You enjoyed your time with Shauna, laughing together as you moved around the dance floor. Every now and then, when you spun her, you’d get a look behind her at the table. The table where you’d see Jackie sitting alone, miserably gazing at you and her best friend dancing. Jackie was downing her drinks quickly. She’d kept pouring herself more drinks from the punch bowl to drown her sorrows. The punch bowl that sat in the middle of the table, the one that Natalie had definitely spiked earlier in the night. You tried to not let the image of Jackie sitting sad and alone because of your actions burn itself into your brain.

“I know what you’re doing.” Shauna’s voice made you shift your gaze away from Jackie. “Huh?” You attempted to play dumb. She rolled her eyes. “If you’re trying to get a reaction out of her, you’re doing a good job.” You straightened up, and Shauna gave you a look like she knew she’d nailed exactly what you were up to. “I think that Jackie brought this onto herself.” You deflected. Shauna shrugged before smirking at you. "Oh, she definitely did.” She leaned in closer and whispered in your ear. “But next time, let me know, and I can help you drive her up a wall.” You can’t fight the grin that took over your face. You spun her again as you spoke. "Well, she always did seem to get a little jealous when it came to us, Shippy.”

An hour had passed while you continued to dance with Shauna until a brash voice broke you both apart. “Sorry to interrupt you, lovebirds.” You and Shauna turned to Nat, with a visibly drunk Jackie being dragged behind her. “‘Lovebirds?’” Jackie questioned with a pout. “Jesus.” You muttered as they got closer. 

Nat all but tossed Jackie into Shauna, and Jackie instantly melted into the form of her best friend. “She’s a mess. She needs to go home.” Jackie attempted to mumble something in protest, but it was muffled with her face in Shauna's shoulder. Natalie looked at Shauna expectantly. "Oh, I didn’t drive here; Callie dropped me off. And she hasn’t answered any of my texts, so I think she’s asleep.” Then both Shauna and Nat looked to you.

"Oh, come on.” You immediately protested. “I’m sorry, Y/n. You drove here and you barely had anything to drink; it’s the safest option.” Shauna being against you for this argument felt like a small betrayal to you. Shauna was right, and you didn't necessarily want anything bad to happen to anyone on their ride home. But that didn't mean you should have to be the one to take her home. “No, you know how I feel about her.” Jackie lifted her head and body from Shauna to complain. “Hey, I’m right here.” Natalie halfheartedly pushed her back into Shauna, and Jackie fell right back into her place on Shauna.

“No Shauna.” You tried to say it in a tone that left no room for debate, but of course Shauna persisted. “Y/n please? I’ll even go too. You’d actually be doing me a favor since I need a ride.” You were about to object further; tell her ‘no way’ when you looked at Jackie. She hadn’t stopped staring since she was brought over. Her eyes were so sad, and her leaning up against Shauna like she had no legs of her own made her look utterly helpless. You couldn’t fight the soft spot you still had for her, and when you looked at Shauna, it just solidified it more. You knew you weren’t going to be on the winning side of this argument. “Fine… FINE. I’ll do it.” Shauna, who you’re sure would’ve reached out and squeezed your hand if it hadn’t been holding Jackie’s form upright, mouthed a thank you. 

You gathered your things and led Shauna, who was still supporting her best friend, to your car. As soon as you went to unlock the back door for Shauna to slide Jackie into, Jackie found enough drunken athleticism to slide over to the passenger's side door. You looked warily at Shauna, who halfheartedly tried to bring Jackie to the backseat. As soon as Jackie started whining about how she didn’t want to sit in the back, Shauna conceded and got into your back seat instead. You rolled your eyes. You really didn’t want to be stuck up front with Jackie, but it seemed you had no choice. You took a deep breath before getting into your seat and pulling out of the parking spot.

The ride was quiet; for the most part, you and Shauna occasionally spoke and reminisced about things you did together that last summer before college. You almost forgot about Jackie sitting silently in the passenger's seat, or you would have if she wasn’t staring at you and Shauna as you spoke fondly about times that didn’t include her. You were about to turn to head towards Jackie’s house when Shauna spoke up.

“Y/n, I hate to do this to you, but is there any way you can drop me off first?” You gave her a look in the rear view mirror that said, ‘Are you kidding me?’ Shauna looked at you sympathetically. You knew she didn’t want to do this to you on purpose. “I know, I’m sorry. I just need to make sure Callie’s alright; I haven’t left her alone this long since before her dad left.” You roll your eyes but adjust to head towards Shauna’s house. 

When you pulled up to Shauna’s house, you could see there was a light on upstairs. Shauna sighs and mutters something under her breath about Callie being up at this hour and not texting her back. She scooted over and wrapped her arms around Jackie from behind the seat. "Night, Jax, see you soon.” She then got out and walked over to your door, then waited outside it for a moment with an expectant look on her face. “Aren’t you going to walk me to the door?” You smiled at the sentiment and got out, leaving the car door open, before you walked Shauna up to her porch. She enveloped you in a hug before you could utter a word of farewell. 

She pulled back before speaking. “You are not allowed to not talk to me for more than a week, ever again. You hear me?” You laughed. “I’m serious, Y/n.” Shauna continued. “I promise I'll keep in touch, Shauna.” You said, genuinely. “You better.” She leaves you with a lingering kiss on your cheek before heading inside. When you turned to walk back to your car, you saw that Jackie watched the entire interaction. She had such a sad look on her face when you walked back, you felt like you were caught doing something that you weren't supposed to.

After you got back into the car, there was only a beat of silence before Jackie spoke up. “So you’re not, like… in love with Shauna now, right?” There was a hesitance in her voice; all her insecurity was laced into that one question. “What? Jackie, that's—” You tried, but she cut you off. “Cause I hope she likes my sloppy seconds.” She had rolled down the window to scream the sentiment out towards Shauna’s house, as if Shauna would hear her behind the closed door. You hastily pulled her back in, scrambling a little. You were very aware of how much noise Jackie was making at such a late hour; however, Jackie wasn’t while she was in her drunken state. “Jesus Jackie, shhhh. What’s wrong with you?” Jackie sat back in the passenger's seat with a pout and folded her arms. “I just don’t appreciate the way she’s been acting with you.” 

“You don’t get to feel any way about how anyone acts with me. You lost that right a long time ago. Now let’s just go home, please.” Jackie lays her head back against the headrest and closes her eyes as she protests. “Noooooo.” How did you used to put up with her whining daily? This was exhausting. "No, seriously, Jackie. We have to go; it’s late, and I want to go to bed.” She continued drunkenly complaining. “I don’t wannaaaa.” You were desperate to not be alone with her anymore, so you tried to say something that would make her relent.

“Jackie, please, you have to go home. Jeff will be worried about you.” She shook her head against the window, practically falling asleep in your passenger's seat. You sighed. Of course, she was being stubborn with you. Twenty-five years of not talking, and she still acted the same. “What do you mean? Yes, he will.” You wouldn’t know; you don’t know how Jeff is, but it hurt more the longer that you stayed around Jackie, and you just needed to get away from her. She only laughed humorlessly at your comment as she slumped further into the seat. “Nuh-uh… Me and Jeff aren’t together anymore.” 

The confession hit you like a ton of bricks, so much so that it left you speechless for a moment. “What? Are you serious?” She nodded, her eyes still closed. “Mhmm.” You had a million things that you wanted to ask—how, why—but the only thing that left your mouth was, “Do the others know?” 

Only at this did her eyes slowly open, and she just stared vacantly down the dark street. “Nope.” Popping the ‘p’ when she said it. “Why?” She still refused to make eye contact with you when she answered. “The girls would just yell at me… Tell me that I hurt you for nothing. And I did; I know that. I don't have to have them tell me that I ruined the only good thing I’ve ever had when I left you.” You sat in silence for a beat, looking down at the steering wheel, as you tried desperately to process all that she said. 

You turned back to face her when she continued speaking, finding her already looking at you for the first time during the whole conversation. “I’m sorry, by the way. For what I did. I really wish I was a better person for you; you deserved it.” Her eyes were illuminated by the glow of the street lights, showing that she was tearing up.

A younger version of yourself would have hopped over the center console to hug her the second you saw her anywhere close to crying. The most that the current you could muster was to break the intense eye contact and utter a half-hearted "Yeah, well… we can’t change the past.” There was a pause in conversation; the air was tense now that Jackie had aired out all her dirty laundry. Her voice was low as she resumed speaking. “I wish I wasn’t afraid of what would’ve happened with us. Maybe I’d be happy now. We probably would’ve had a good life.” You put the car in drive, as you replied. “Yeah, maybe.”

You drive to Jackie’s childhood home, having memorized its path from every corner of Wiskayok. You wanted to ask so much more, but debated whether it would upset her. Jackie, who seemed almost sober now, is slumped against the passenger door, looking out the window. She spoke, but you were too lost in thought to hear it. “I’m sorry, what was that?” She sighed. “I said, I know you. You obviously want to ask something. Go ahead; it won’t make me sad.” Her bluntness caught you by surprise, but then again, what about her didn’t nowadays? 

“Well, how long has it been?” You don’t need to say what the question was pertaining to for Jackie to know what you meant. It’s a bittersweet feeling to know that, despite everything, she could still read you and know what you were thinking so well. She took a deep breath before she answered. “Almost a year now. It's why I wasn’t going to come this year; I couldn't face anyone. Not when I haven’t worked up the courage to tell them.” You nodded along as you continued driving. “Was there a reason?” She hesitated and turned to face you before she answered.

“Yeah, I just never could get over you. I still haven't, and I don’t think I ever will.” She said it so candidly that you were hoping you didn’t hear her correctly. You wanted to ignore the mixed feelings bubbling into your stomach, because now all of what she said the whole night was more than just high school nostalgia. More than simple ‘What if’ scenarios, and more than hints for you to read into. That was an admission, and you were so upset that that realization happened this late in her life. Now she had you thinking that you actually could have been happy together this whole time. You were so caught up that you almost flew past Jackie’s house.

You don’t say anything as you break and put the car in park. You kept looking at the steering wheel while Jackie tried desperately to meet your eyes, silently pleading for you to say something. All that you could think was that it was all for nothing. You were mostly afraid it was still the alcohol talking. You didn't want to get your hopes up for something that was only going to be true for as long as the booze was in her system.

“I think you should leave.” Jackie’s face dropped at your reaction, and almost immediately tears started to roll down her cheeks. “What? Y/n, no.” You still avoided her eyes. “Please, this isn't a conversation I want to have after you’ve been drinking. It’s best that you go inside.” At that, she braced herself in your car. “I’ve sobered up; please, can we talk about this?” She begged.

“Jackie, you have to get out of the car.” It took the last shred of your will to try to turn her away one more time. Jackie’s voice was hoarse as she yelled back at you. "No, I can’t. I can’t leave because if I get out, then I’ll never see you again, and it’s all my fault.” She was beyond being consoled by words. She was sobbing so much, you felt awful for upsetting her. Up until that point, you were doing your best not to get sucked in, but how could you deny her? 

“Okay, okay.” You relented. You got out of the car, and for a moment, Jackie had a look of panic on her face, seeming ready to chase after you if you left her. You got to the passenger’s door, and as soon as you opened the door, Jackie grabbed onto you and held you in a hug. You mustered up the calmest voice that you could when you spoke next. “I’m sorry.” She sobbed into your shoulder, mumbling, “Please don’t leave.” over and over.

“Please, can you stay tonight? Can we just go inside and pretend that I didn’t mess it all up?” She sniffled into your shirt. You nodded, slowly rubbing her back while you tried to soothe her. When you were younger, you’d dreamt about this scenario and getting to tell Jackie ‘no.’ But that didn’t happen. Truth be told, you don’t think it took more than a second of thought. "Yeah, we can do that, Jax.”

Once she had calmed down, you gradually began to let her go while whispering gently for her to go inside. She grabs your hand as she guides you through a house that was once so familiar to you. Jackie had moved and changed some things around, but it still looked relatively the same.

She pulled you toward her old childhood bedroom. Something about it felt so different. But not much was changed aside from her replacing the pink carpeting with a gray color. It felt almost like a betrayal to change something that was once so sacred to you both. An escape from her parents, a place where you could kiss her safely. It all felt foreign, even if it was the same room you had snuck into countless times just to fall asleep together. Jackie had always hated sleeping alone. You guessed that never changed based on the situation you found yourself in now.

Your musings were interrupted by Jackie tapping your arm. You turned and found Jackie with an embarrassed look on her face. She faced away and showed that she was struggling to fully unzip her dress from the evening. You rolled your eyes as she held her hair up with one hand, assuring it wouldn’t be in the way. Gently holding her shoulder with one hand, you slowly pulled the zipper down with the other. As her dress was being undone, more and more of her back was being exposed to you. It was intimate; she knew it. She could still read you like the back of her hand, so she knew exactly what she was doing.

Once the dress was fully unzipped, your hand slowly dropped from her shoulder, softly tracing Jackie’s skin in its descent. She turned and looked right into your eyes. She didn’t break eye contact with you when she reached up and looped her arms around your neck. As if it were second nature, you placed your hands on her waist. “I’ve really missed you.” She spoke in a whispered tone, as if there were any other people around to hear you. The only time her eyes left yours was to glance at your lips. Her intentions were obvious, and you were never that strong-willed when it came to denying Jackie something that she wanted.

You found yourself leaning in before you could give it a second thought. The urge to fall right back into place with Jackie was too difficult to deny. Jackie notices the action and moves to meet you in the middle. Once you were only an inch from each other's lips, you felt Jackie pull you the rest of the way into her. Her lips pressed roughly against yours, trying to convey every emotion she still felt for you.

Her hands move from your neck to thread into your hair. The grip you had on her waist tightened, and you brought her body closer to you. Jackie let out a small moan at the contact. After years of not hearing it, the noise sounded heavenly. It only spurred you on further. You backed her up against the nearest wall, and Jackie made a small sound when she hit it. Her dress was slipping further and further down her body as you kept going. The noises Jackie was making, the way she'd occasionally ground her hips into you, searching for friction. You knew where this was heading, and as lovely as that idea was, you knew you needed to stop. Everything in you wanted to continue, but you knew you had to separate to avoid taking it further too quickly. You pulled away, leaving a few chaste kisses on her lips to avoid seeing her pout.

When you both pulled apart, she was panting heavily. Once Jackie caught her breath, her face broke out into the largest smile. She always used to smile like that after kissing you when you were younger. You had to admit that it made you happy to see that you still had that effect on her. Jackie disappeared into her bathroom to get into her pajamas. It was at this point that you became painfully aware that you were still in your clothes from the reunion. You tried to adjust your clothing to be able to sleep in it.

Jackie came out of the bathroom while you were attempting to make your clothes as comfortable as possible. “Hold on!” She disappeared from the room with a smile on her face. You could hear her footsteps retreat, some fumbling sounds from the hallway, and her footsteps returning. She came back with a box in her hands. After she placed it on the floor and opened it up, you could see that it was full of your old clothes.

“You kept all these?” You said in astonishment as you sifted through all the clothes she stole from you years ago. She suddenly seemed bashful, watching you go through your old sports apparel and flannels. “I—uh, yeah, it’s always good to have some extra clothes lying around.” After finding a shirt and sweats that you found suitable for the night, you looked at Jackie. She nervously fiddled with her fingers before she continued speaking. “They actually still smelled like you for a long time after... everything. And it was nice, you know, to have some reminders of you still here. But just so you know, this is just a loan. I want those clothes back.” You smiled at her, getting up to give her a hug before you went to change. 

After you got into your old clothes that still miraculously fit very well, you crawled into her bed. Jackie hit the lights and walked over to the other side of the bed. You felt all the nostalgia hit you as you laid down on the soft sheets while Jackie climbed in as well. Her sheets and pillows smelled like her; it's comforting but brings a pit to your stomach at the same time. Laying in bed next to the love of your life for the first time in twenty-five years will do that to you, you guessed.

You laid flat on your back as Jackie curled into your side. She maneuvered your arm to hold her, effectively trapping herself against you. You both lay in the quiet of the dark room; the only light in the room was shining in from the streetlight outside. Jackie gingerly played with your fingers as you both sat in fulfilled silence. After a few minutes, Jackie turned her head to face to lay on your chest and held your torso. 

She was barely awake when she whispered to you. “Promise me that you’ll still be here when I wake up.” Her voice was muffled from her face being pressed against your chest. She said it so delicately, pleading with you. You were so caught up in the fondness of the moment that you took a beat to answer. After not immediately receiving an answer, Jackie opened her eyes and looked up at you. The sleepy expression on her face was wiped away, and you could see just how scared she was of never seeing you again. You'd do anything to never see her afraid like that again.

“I promise.” She took you in once more before leaning in and gently kissing you. It was innocent and lazy, kissing you just because she missed doing it. As if she were making up for lost time. Your heart thumped with an unearned feeling of domesticity. 

It only took a moment for Jackie to detach from you. She rolled to face away from you but scooched herself back to be flush against you. You took the hint and wrapped your arm around her waist. You could feel the grin that Jackie had on her face without even seeing it. She then placed her hand over yours and laced her fingers in between yours. No more than a minute or two later, Jackie fully relaxed into you. Her breathing slowly evened out as she fell asleep, still keeping a tight grip on you. 

Tomorrow, you’d plague yourself with the questions of what this meant for you and Jackie going forward. As for tonight, you just missed the feeling of holding her while you slept, and you’re not prepared to continue on without experiencing it every night. The rhythmic sound of her breathing and the smell of her conditioner brought a comfort to you that you had long forgotten. 

[imbored1201]

really enjoyed both your Barca x teen reader fics, would love another part if you can, particularly with more lucy!

Christmas Guest

A/N: I’ve been wanting to make a Christmas fic, so I thought this would be perfect

Barcelona Femeni x Teen Reader(Mostly a Lucy x teen reader), but some motherly Alexia

Word Count: 1,194

Growing up, Christmas always ended terribly. Always one of your family members getting into a fight with each other to the point where police may have had to be called or your parents yelling at you or each other.

"What do you want for Christmas?" Pina asked, and you looked at her, confused. It's something you were never asked about by anyone. "Nothing," you simply said and went back to changing. Claudia groaned. 

"You never want anything; you told me the same thing for your birthday. Come on, anything? A video game? I'll even get you a car," Claudia said, frustrated.

"I don't even have a driver's license," you mumbled to her as you gave her a little smile and walked away to the field. She groaned, and went to rant to Alexia. 

—————

"What are you doing for Christmas?" Lucy questioned you, "Nothing, just sleeping all day." She looked at you, confused. "Are you sure you don't want to go back home with me?"

She knew you had a complicated relationship with your parents, and her family loved you, so you were invited to everything. You've already been invited to four different people's family gatherings. 

Ingrid's and Mapi's; they were going to Norway. Fridolina's in Sweden; Keira's, but she was leaving like right when the last game was over; and Alexia's. Alexia said if you didn't decide, then she would drag you to her family.

"I don't want to be a bother." Lucy shook her head. "Kid, my mom has a stocking hung up for you; she's been asking me every day if you're coming. Trust me, you're her favorite child." You smiled a bit at that. "Are you sure?" She nodded, "Okay then," Lucy cheered and jumped up. "We leave in two days," she ran off to brag to everyone you were going with her back to England.

You smiled a bit and focused back on your last practice of the year. 

————-

Right when you got home, Alexia sent you to the dining table. "Alexia, it's Christmas break; I have no homework," you told her as she set down a paper and pen in front of you.

"Nope, you're making a wishlist. I want you to put at least 30 things." "Why 30?" "The whole team needs ideas."

"I don't know what I want," you muttered. "Well, you better think about it. Don't you dare move from that table until you have at least 25 things."

After the 10th thing, Alexia sat next to you and read what you currently had on your list. She did disapprove of some stuff, like all the nerf guns, since you would probably end up shooting someone in the eye. 

"So Lucy?" Alexia asked you, "Yeah." Alexia looked a bit happy and a bit worried. Ever since you joined Barca, you've never left Alexia's sight. She even dragged you to her photo shoots.

"Okay, let's start getting you packed then, and please behave; you get more wild around Lucy.”

"I always behave," she gave you a look. "That's not what Leah tells me," you smirked. You still remember the yelling Leah gave you and Lucy when you guys snuck out after curfew to go to a nearby park. 

You guys found it funny until the next day, when you had to do extra laps while everyone laughed at you and watched. 

—————

Saturday, 5 a.m.

You groaned as Alexia put a beanie over your head and went through your suitcase again to make sure you had everything. "Your toothbrush?" "My backpack." "Charger?" "Backpack" "phone?" "Pocket," "do you have your headphones? You know you need those on the plane or you get really nervous." "In my backpack."

After more questions, you finally spoke up. "Alexia, we did this last night." "I'm just making sure you have everything," she defended.

"You're such an overbearing mom," Lucy laughed as she picked up your bag to put it in the trunk. Alexia was driving you guys to the airport. 

The whole car ride was Alexia telling Lucy what you needed and your usual routine. 

Lucy wasn't even listening; she kept reaching over to pinch and give you slaps on the thighs since you were kicking her seat. 

The bye was odd; Alexia had some tears in her eyes, and you and Lucy awkwardly glanced at each other. "Lex, I'm only leaving for a week and a half," you told her. 

"Nah kid, those are tears of joy," Lucy joked as Alexia gave you a tight hug.

Then she turned to Lucy, "you better bring her back in one piece of Lucia." Lucy smirked as she started dragging you into the airport. "I'm not promising anything."

—————

"Come on kid, mom is over here." Lucy's mom was waiting outside of her car, smiling softly. You were a bit scared; you knew Lucy's mom already; you guys had met after the Euros. You had also met her brother, niece, and nephew during the World Cup. 

As you approached, she was quick to pull the two of you into a huge hug. "Y/N, how have you been?" She rubbed your back and pinched your cheeks.

"I've been good; how have you been?" "I've been amazing, missing my children and grandchildren as always, but I'm just happy we'll all be together again." Lucy smiled as she put the luggage into the car.

"Look, I got you two matching sweaters for Christmas Eve," she said as she held up the sweaters. You took it happily, muttering a 'thank you' and showing it to Lucy, who was smiling at your reaction.

After meeting her dad, Lucy could tell you were their new favorite child. You would sit with her dad and talk about sports, and her mom would teach you how to cook. 

Lucy took you around her home and showed you all the places she loved as a kid. You two had also gone last-minute Christmas shopping for everyone. 

You guys even spent all day eating ice cream and decorating cookies, something Alexia probably wouldn’t like since she didn’t like when you ate a lot of sugar. Lucy didn’t care, though; she happily dealt with your sugar rush. 

—————

Christmas Day was eventful. You were woken up by her nephew jumping on you. 

"Ow," you mumbled and groaned as you heard Lucy's laugh. "Come on kid, don't be a grinch," you sighed as you sat up. 

You could hear the kids giggling and shrieking downstairs, and Jorge running around, probably chasing them. 

"Carry me," you grinned at her. She rolled her eyes but listened, giving you a piggyback ride to the chaos. 

Christmas went perfectly. Lucy's parents went all out with their 'youngest child', who was you, and their grandchildren. 

When you got back home, all you could talk about was how great Christmas was. The team just listened and nodded along as they gave you their gifts. 

————

"It looks like you're going to have a permanent traveling buddy every time you go back home, Bronze,” Mapi joked.

“Mom will disown me if I don't,” Lucy responded, as she watched you chase Pina around, shooting her with the huge nerf mini gun Patri got you. 

[shuttershocky]

Out of all the curses of modern gaming, it's season passes / battlepasses that saddens me the most, because what I am fairly sure is its origin is really close to my heart.

One of the most notable things about Dota 2 is that (even now) it's the only MOBA (games like League of Legends, Heroes of Newerth, etc) on the market where every single one of its playable characters was immediately free for the player, no money or grind required, unthinkable for a free to play game. That means a player completely new to the game was actually on even footing access-wise to players with thousands of hours: everyone had access to the same cast, there were no upgrades you could get to amplify your favorites before a match (unlike the rune system League had back then, though I hear that's gone now), nothing. You were theoretically on even footing with everyone at all times, your only difference being your experience.

In its early years, Dota 2 didn't even have lootboxes for its cosmetic microtransactions yet (even when its sister game Team Fortress 2 did, and it does now). You browsed through the online store and paid 2.5 dollars to give your favorite character a cowboy hat.

All in all, there was very little way the game was actually making any money. The only reason it was even designed that way is because the original DotA was a Warcraft 3 mod faithfully updated for years with the free labor of community modders. When the lead was hired by Valve to make Dota 2, they insisted complete parity between the two versions: they would have the same updates, no gameplay can be locked behind monetization, Dota 2 should be able to run on crappy computers, etc.

Now Dota 2 has an annual tournament called The International, famous for holding the single largest prizepool in the history of Esports (back then, 1 million dollars), with the money contributed by Valve. However, they knew pumping millions of dollars into the tournament every year on a game that was not monetizing its playerbase was a great way to go bankrupt eventually, even if at the time Dota 2 was acting as a gateway for many people in third world countries (where DotA remained supremely popular) to get into Steam.

So for the third International in 2013, Valve had an idea that would plague live service games for the rest of time.

They called it The International Compendium, a way for the community to support the pro scene. You paid 20 dollars (or was it 30? I no longer remember) to get a whole set of missions to unlock exclusive cosmetics, you could make predictions for how the tournament would go and if you were right your compendium levelled up even further, you could play Fantasy Dota the way people do Fantasy Football (I still have no idea how that works) and collect cards of your favorite players then watch as their performance in the tournament gave you points, and 25% of all sales went straight to The International 3's prizepool.

People loved it. Dota 2 didn't charge you for anything but hats that could also be gained by random drops from playing anyway, so the playerbase at the time saw it as a fair deal, and besides, 25% of it went back to "fostering the community".

They sold like gangbusters. The tournament's final prizepool was $2,874,380, with 1.6 million of that being contributed by Valve.This meant that the 25% sales added by the community totaled $1,274,380, so if you multiplied by 4 to get the money the TI3 Compendium made, you had almost 5.1 million dollars, for what was the earliest battlepass in PC gaming.

So of course, everyone else followed suit.

10 years later and everyone's doing a battlepass, even games that aren't free to play. It's format of a virtual passport that levels up as you complete its task with rewards for every level gained is one of the most psychologically effective player engagement systems, keeping players hooked on a game by constantly giving them a checklist to work on. World of Warcraft perfected the skinner box design for grinding to keep players hooked, but Valve introduced an idea that could be used by any game, in any genre, of any size.

And it fucking sucks dude. This was originally designed for a game that charged you nothing. No grind, no unlocks, no free rotation because everyone is free, no daily mission checklist to keep you hooked because it was supremely confident you were playing for the love of the gameplay (and even now 10 years later where Dota 2 has caught up with the rest of the world in providing dailies, I still ignore them because I only play for the love of the game), it felt fair.

It wasn't attempting to seize all my time, it wasn't disruptive to normal gameplay, it was on a game that charged nothing, you could ignore it completely if you didn't care for the pro scene, back then the idea felt reasonable.

And now for most online games that don't feature some kind of battlepass system, I see complaints that the game does not give them a reason to play. Players NEED this checklist now, because there are other games they can play that give in-game rewards by accomplishing their checklists. You cannot make a game whose ONLY engagement system is an enjoyable core loop anymore, you will simply be buried if you don't keep up.

I always knew something like gacha was coming and it was going to be a thing that affected the industry. When I was still studying around 2012 and attended all these talks from the local game industry, the ideas always centered around monetization, and designing games to hook whales into spending, discussion around designing a core loop was how to make a player spend money in order to stay inside that core loop they were engaged in rather than creating a core loop that would impress a game designer. Mobile games back then were beginning to truly emerge as the new goldmine that the AAA industry ignored until even Call of Duty was threatened by the sheer profits made from the casual space. Even if nobody mentioned gachapon/trading cards /whatever, it was obvious the future of game design was towards monetizing addiction.

Battlepasses though, that one hurts. I really didn't see it taking over live service games the way it did. I remember seeing it crop up in other games and going "Why are they making their own compendium, they don't have a tournament to base it around?"

oof

[14buddy22]

Slipping Through My Fingers

Aaron Hotchner x Daughter!reader

WC: 5.2K

A/n: This is from Aaron’s perspective on his daughter’s wedding day! This was inspired by Slipping Through My Fingers from the Mamma Mia movie. Feel free to listen to it while reading. (See the bottom for song :))

Masterlist

“Slipping through my fingers all the time. I try to capture every minute.”

Getting dressed for a wedding vs. getting dressed for a funeral is almost the same thing. Two important events. One event where everyone wants to attend, the other… well not so much. Getting in similar dress-like clothing (except for the bride and groom), the only difference is that two people are celebrating the start of their lives together and another has to live in sorrow for the rest of their life. The other difference is the emotion of people.

Weddings usually make people happy, maybe except for the father of the bride. That’s what I am today. My daughter’s getting married. I had been the one at the funeral, having to live the rest of my life without Haley, but my daughter and my future son-in-law were going to be starting the rest of their lives together.

My day started off hectic. I got called into the BAU. That was not something I wanted to happen on the day of my daughter’s wedding. I’m sick and tired of work and my home life clashing. It’s clashed for the past 25 years. I’ve missed out on moments from Y/n and Jack’s life. The two most important people to me and I lost out on time with them. I lost Haley because of my job. She was my rock when we first got married and my job ruined our marriage. She died because of me. It’s a guilt that I carry around every single day, and even today, more than ever.

After quickly resolving what needed to be resolved at the BAU, I came home, went for a run, showered, and began to make breakfast and clean up from last night. My living room looked like a frat party was thrown. I guess that’s what I get for letting my two children have people over the night before my daughter’s wedding.

Cleaning up the mess, I came across a photo album. Just looking at it, I knew exactly what it was. It was Haley and I’s wedding photo album. I’d been so busy with everything in my life, I guess I didn’t have time to sit down and think about what my daughter must be feeling about her wedding.

I picked up the book, only to find another photo album underneath. One was an album of my daughter and I. She made me so proud to be her father. I was the lucky one to have her in my life.

I began to flip through the pictures of the moment I found out I was going to be a father. On the first page of the book, there was a polaroid of Haley holding up the pregnancy test with myself kissing her. It made me think back to that moment, and how sentimental it was.

Exhausted. Yep, that’s what I was feeling, but that’s okay, because now I’m going home to see my beautiful wife, cook her dinner, and spend an evening with the woman I love, maybe work on making a baby.

When my key hit the front door, it made me stop and think, what’s my life going to be like in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? Will I have 6 kids running around the house and they’ll be running to the front door when I walk inside? Will my kids be playing sports or in the marching band? Instead of coming home to see the kids, I have to split up and watch soccer games, cheerleading, baseball, band, and theater. It excited me.

I shuddered at the memory I had. I did that to myself. I chose work over the family I could have had with Haley. My two children are perfect but had I been more invested as a husband, and as a father, I could have had more. I only had myself to blame.

I walked into the kitchen to find Haley in the kitchen. She had made dinner, even though I was supposed to. I was lucky to have her, to marry my high school sweetheart, my best friend.

“So, you know how I haven’t been feeling good honey?”

“Yeah. I wanted you to rest while I was at work today.”

I paused when she put her hands on my waist to hold me still. To stop me in whatever pilot mode I was in. She was bringing me back to reality and not just going through the motions of what I did every time I got home.

“Honey, you know how we’ve been trying for a little Hotchner?”

“Haley, I told you, if we can’t have a baby, we can’t have a baby. It’s okay, we can adopt a couple of kids or we can have none. I’m sure there will be BAU babies in the future.”

“Aaron. Honey, we did it. We’re having a baby.”

She pulled out a positive pregnancy test and held it in front of my face. Tears streamed down both of our faces. We were going to become parents. At that moment, I learned I was going to be a father. We wouldn’t find out until 7 months later that we’d have a baby girl. That baby girl was the best thing to happen to Haley and me.

I flipped through the picture book, reminiscing on the days when my daughter was a baby, toddler, child, not the beautiful, young woman she’d turned into. I saw the photo of me and my two kids in the hospital bed. Y/n was only 2 years old when Jack was born, she was so excited to be a big sister and I knew their bond would be like no other.

I was slowly tearing up, going through memory lane, thinking about how fast my kids grew up and I wasn’t there for it, it killed me. I have many regrets in life, not leaving the BAU when I had the chance is my biggest one. While the work I did saved thousands of people, those moments with my kids and any chance I had with Haley, I’ll never get back.

Before I could have a full-blown crying moment, I heard my daughter speak up from her bedroom.

“Dad, can you help me get ready?”

I wasn’t new to helping her get ready. Without Haley in Y/n and Jack’s life, I had to become Dad and mom.

If you had asked me 21 years ago if I’d be the one helping my daughter get ready on her wedding day, I would have said no, that was Haley’s job, but 15 years ago, I knew that would change, when I was helping my 6-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son get ready for their mom’s funeral.

Over 15 years, I learned how to braid her hair, learned the correct hair and makeup products that she needed. I never envisioned I’d have to do that when I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time. I thought Haley would do that and I would just give her my debit card and she’d go. It’s funny how the times have changed.

Walking into the room that she’d grown up in made me think back to all the memories we had together. I just paused for a moment. The flashbacks of me coming home to her playing princesses in her room with her stuffed animals and then being so happy to see me. Or her putting on her music, begging me to dance with her. Her begging me to read her a bedtime story or asking to sleep in her bed because of the thunder.

Being there for my kids taught me a lot. I learned a lot more about my kids in the last 15 years than I did in the first 4 to 6 years of their life when Haley was alive. Granted, that was my fault, but they taught me much about life.

When I saw her looking at me, I quickly snapped out of whatever trance I was in. For someone who was getting married in 2 hours, she was not ready one bit, but that was the good thing about my daughter. She was good about not getting stressed, so if she was, I couldn’t tell. But I also refuse to profile my children.

Well actually, as a father, you have to read your kids. I just can’t turn it off sometimes when it comes to my kids, especially my daughter, that’s my little girl. She was opening up to me. She’d always done that, so there was never a reason to profile much. My daughter was nervous. I mean, I was when I married Haley, I don’t blame her for being nervous. There’s so much that could go wrong on the big day, that if you don’t have a support system, you’ll get lost in trying to make sure everything is perfect.

“Honey, I thought Anna and Shelby were supposed to be helping you get ready?”

“Dad, I just needed some time to be alone. I also think Anna and Jack are hooking up.”

I snickered watching my daughter gag at the thought of her best friend and younger brother hooking up. Anna and Shelby were Y/n’s childhood best friends and Jack fit into their friend group as they got older.

“Honey, Go get showered, I’ll help you with your hair. How do you want it? Curled? Braided?”

“Dad, I don’t have a lot of time, I can’t be late for my wedding.”

“We have time, we have time.”

She walked over and hugged me. It made me very happy to hold her in my arms one last time before she was getting married. I wasn’t ready to let go, but my little girl was a strong, independent woman.

In just a few short hours, I was going to be giving her away. Giving her away to a man who loved my daughter with everything he had, they had the kind of love that Haley and I had in college, the kind of love that was there when we found out we were going to be parents.

“You know Dad, I’m getting Mamma Mia vibes from this moment.”

“Except you know who your father is and he’s walking you down the aisle.”

I watched her roll her eyes and she made her way to the bathroom. I went to grab her some food and caught Jack walking out of his room, praying that he wasn’t hooking up with Anna, Y/n’s childhood bestfriend.

“Jack, your sister’s getting married and you’re fooling around with her bridesmaid.”

“Dad, come on. We’re here for a good time, not a long time.”

He patted my shoulder and walked by to grab some food. I couldn’t believe this is how my kids turned out. My daughter, marrying an amazing guy while my son on the other hand is screwing around with my daughter's bridesmaid.

“When are you getting ready? The wedding is in two hours, you still need to shower, shave, Anna needs to get to her house to get ready. Jack, I’m serious, stop laughing.”

“Hey old man, relax. It’s going to be okay. Anna and I are having a snack, she’s leaving to go get ready at her own house. I’m going to shower. See ya, daddio.”

Watching my son walk back to the room that I used to tuck him in with and build forts in seemed crazy to me. In my eyes, he was the little four year old boy that would fall asleep on the couch trying to stay up for me when I got home for work.

Both my children were growing up and I wasn’t ready. From what I saw, they were still my babies, both of them. I’m not ready for them to never need me again. Once Y/n get’s married, she’s going to have her husband, and then they’ll have kids because that’s what she’s always wanted, and then she’s going to have her own family, not her dad, and that scared me.

You can prepare all you want, but I was never prepared to become a single father to two young children, wasn’t prepared to have my daughter date, or prepared enough to have her move out of the house. From what I’ve learned, there’s no amount of preparation for that feeling of what it’ll be like when your children, your babies, grow up.

I walked back into Y/n’s room with her and Jack’s favorite food, dino chicken nuggets. No matter how old they got, they never grew out of their dino chicken nugget phase. Both of them would tell me over and over that dino chicken nuggets were elite, they basically told me that dino chicken nuggets were the Aaron Hotchner of the BAU and it somehow clicked in my mind. They were comparing me to chicken nuggets, making me feel like a hero, when in fact, I shouldn’t be their hero.

I chuckled thinking back to that conversation that they had with me. We were sitting at the kitchen table, I had got back from a case early in the afternoon and picked them up from school. They were so happy to see me, so when we went grocery shopping, I had mindlessly picked up regular chicken nuggets. Oh, was that a big mistake. Both children yelled, “NO! Not those!”

I smiled laughing at the fear that took over me in that moment. My two children, 10 and 8 years old, were telling me not to buy chicken nuggets. Jack had said that Dino chicken nuggets were the best and that he’ll eat them forever. After I explained that just the shapes were different, my daughter spoke up, saying that dino chicken nuggets were like the Aaron Hotchner of the BAU, the best of the best. Her exact words were, “Dino nuggets are the hero of chicken nuggets, just like you’re my hero.”

I didn’t want to cry. I was on the verge of tears earlier, I still had to hold it together for my daughter. I didn’t need her to come out and see me crying because I know she’d cry. She didn’t need that stress on her big day.

“Ugh! Dad.”

My daughter came into her room with one of my ¼ zips and her favorite pair of running shorts. Those were her comfort clothes. That ¼ zip was 21 years old. When I was away on cases, Haley would wear it when feeding her, and as Y/n got older, it’s the one ¼ zip she always gravitated too. While it was big on her when she was a child, she still slept in it, wore it when I wasn’t home, it was her sense of safety when I couldn’t be there. Because of me, she was attached to a piece of clothing because I couldn’t protect her. What father puts their children through that?

“What’s wrong honey?”

“Dad, I was shaving and I cut my leg.”

“Come here, sit down. I have a band-aid.”

She sat down on the bed and I grabbed a band-aid from my pocket. One thing that Haley told me from our wedding day was to always have enough band-aids. I made a promise that whenever our children got married, I’d be the one to carry the band-aids. Turns out she was right, we did need the band-aids after all.

She grabbed the dino nuggets after I put the band-aid on and she sat down on the bed. I moved to sit with my back against her head board and I was looking at her. I thought I’d see the beautiful woman she had turned into, but all I could see was my Y/n. My little girl who’d want to play basketball with me or try to show me the newest soccer move. My little girl who was just in a red dress and pigtails. Yeah, that was the little girl I saw.

“Dad, did you hear what I said?”

“What?”

“I started talking but you didn’t answer me. Are you okay?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I was just thinking. What did you say?”

“Can you believe I’m marrying A.J.?”

Her fiance was the perfect man for her. He was sweet, kind, just overall in love with her. The kind of love that Haley and I once had. He was everything I could have ever imagined for my little girl.

“No, I can’t believe the day has finally come. 1 year of prepping for a wedding flew by.”

“Thank you for everything, dad.”

My daughter leaned into me and put her head on my shoulder. When I looked at her TV, Mamma Mia was on. When did she put that on? This had to have been her way of trying to soak on as much time as she could before she was getting married. Maybe it was her way of getting me to come to realize that my little girl wasn’t my little girl.

As she ate her dino nuggets, I held onto her a little longer, not wanting her to get married. I know she had to, everyone has to grow up, but I just wasn’t ready. I’m finally ready to admit that. Before I could say something, Jack entered the room with two plates of dino nuggets.

“Jack, you’re supposed to be in the shower.”

“Dad, Y/n’s moving out of the house officially tonight, this is the last time we’re all going to be living together, under one roof. We’ve spent the past 19 years living together. Well, 19 years living with me, 21 for you two, but if I’m being honest, I’m not ready to let that go.”

My son was right. He was stronger than I was. He said what I had been afraid of saying this entire time. I took the plate of dino nuggets that he had reached out to give me. He sat on the bed with my daughter and I. Sharing the bed how they used to share the bed when they were just kids.

I watched my daughter begin to take pictures and videos and we got one of all of us smiling, eating our dino nuggets. Something so simple, yet so meaningful. The last time I’d ever have my children living under one roof all together. Yeah, Jack’s right, I wasn’t ready to let go, but I did, in less than an hour and 10 minutes.”

As we finished our dino nuggets, I had to begin to help with her hair, the movie playing in the background. Jack had stayed in the room to take pictures. Pictures that I would cherish for the rest of my life.

My daughter had put on “Slipping Through My Fingers”. The scene was coming up shortly in the movie but she put the song on her phone. She looked at me through the mirror and smiled. All I could think of was how much this song was so impactful in our life, and now it’s becoming a real story for our life.

Jack went to go get her dress and then went to go change, leaving Y/n and I for a minute that we both needed. With her hair braided the way she wanted, she turned around and looked at me. I handed her her dress and Jack walked into the room.

“You clean up nice, Jack.”

“Thanks sis. Dad? Do I look okay?”

My son was put together. In just a few short moments, I was going to have two children ready for a wedding. Two children who weren’t 4 and 6 anymore, but were 21 and 19. They were grown up.

“You look nice, call me when you’re ready Y/n. I’m going to change.”

I walked out of her room to give her a minute to get into her dress and walked into my room. I changed into my suit and fixed my hair. I finished tying my tie and walked back outside of Y/n’s room. I knocked on the door, getting the okay from Y/n to come in. As I made my way in, I looked at my daughter. She looked absolutely gorgeous. Just an hour ago, I was looking at the little girl in pigtails that I once saw. Now, I was staring at a beautiful, strong, young woman who had everything in the world going for her at that moment. She was my daughter and I was lucky to be her father.

Jack was sitting on the desk, giving me time to fix the little bits of hair that needed to be recurled on Y/n’s head. She was looking in the mirror, I knew she wanted to say something but I wasn’t going to pressure her. Until I heard her speak.

“Dad, am I letting you down?”

“Why would you think that?

“Because of what you’ve done, being the unit chief of the BAU, raising 2 children 2 years apart, being a single-father.”

“Honey, I didn’t have a choice. Your mother was taken from us because of what I did. I became a single father because you lost mom because of me.”

“Dad, stop. That’s not true.”

I was staring at my daughter, but that wasn’t her who said that, it was Jack. Jack was teary eyed, looking at me and Y/n. I shook my head slightly because Haley’s gone because of me and my job.

“Dad, please, you have to listen to Jack and I. It is not your fault. Foyet killed mom. You did everything you could to protect Jack and I. Dad, you could’ve been dead, too! He stabbed you 9 times. You raised us into the people we are today. We wouldn’t be half of the people we are if it weren’t for you. You’re our hero, dad. You always will be.”

I wrapped my arms around my daughter. She still saw me as a hero. My little girl. My little girl who was getting married in 45 minutes. I was her hero. There could be nothing more better than hearing her call me her hero.

“You will never let me down. No matter what. I am so proud to be your father.”

“I’m lucky to be your daughter. You’re my hero. No matter how old I get, I’m always going to need you in my life. Never forget that, Dad. Will you give me away?”

All day I had been holding up tears, guilting myself for letting Haley get killed but at this moment, all I could think about was what a blessing it was to be a father. A father who was loved by his kids. I was loved by my daughter and son, neither one of them ever angry with me for raising them as a single father, never blaming me for losing their mom. I was their hero. I was someone they trusted, they found comfort in. My kids were my saving grace. Y/n asking me to give her away, the floodgates had opened. I wiped the tear that had fallen onto her cheek and pulled her into my arms. I looked over at Jack, for one to never get emotional, he was wiping his tears as well.

As I pulled away from the hug, I kissed her forehead. She was ready to get married, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for her to get married, but that didn’t matter because all I wanted to do was make my daughter happy.

“I think we have to get to a wedding.”

My kids and I all took one last hug. The ending of Slipping Through My Fingers filled the room. All of us all quietly soaking in the moment, realizing all we had been put through as a family, but in the end, we had made it out.

As we got to the church, we watched everyone walk down the aisle and I held onto her arm. I looked down at her and she squeezed my arm.

“Are you ready, Dad?”

“No.”

She and I shared a laugh. She just wanted me to be honest. I knew that and that’s what she was waiting for.

“No, I’m not ready for you to finally be grown up. I know you’ve been grown up for a long time, but in my eyes, you’re still the little girl who barely fits into my ¼ zip. Now you’re getting married. But if there’s anyone who deserves it, it’s you. You deserve every ounce of happiness Y/n Hotchner.”

She kissed my cheek and whispered, “You deserve happiness, too, Dad. Don’t forget that. I love you.”

The church doors swung up and the pianist began to play “Slipping Through My Fingers”. My daughter and I looked at each other, let out a deep breath and began to smile, taking our steps down the aisle.

I wish someone would’ve told me that this was the shortest walk of my life. What felt like the longest, but the most important, was the shortest amount of time I’d have with my daughter when giving her away. I wanted to cherish every moment I could get with her before she married A.J. This was the last moment before she became a married woman. I kissed her cheek, then went to sit down next to my team. Rossi gave me a pat on leg. A small gesture that I didn’t know I needed until I felt the tension in my body relax.

I had given my daughter away, she was marrying the love of her life, that feeling that I’m losing her forever was kept in my body up until that point in time that I felt Rossi’s touch.

The ceremony was beautiful, as A.J. and Y/n shared a kiss, the audience began to clap. She began to walk down the aisle, hand in hand with her husband. She gave me a smile and a wave, a small gesture that I’d hold onto forever.

As the night began to wind down, it was a beautiful wedding and reception. There was still one more thing that I needed to do. The father-daughter dance. I still had no idea what the song was, I just knew that we were dancing to a slow song.

As the D.J. called my name to the floor, I met my daughter in the middle of the dance floor. Everyone had surrounded us. I grabbed my daughter and embraced her in a hug.

“Just wait for the song, Dad. You’ll love it.”

Just as she finished, “Slipping Through My Fingers” had begun to play throughout the reception hall. I saw Jack beginning to record and looked around at everyone. They were all wiping their tears and I began to spin my daughter around the dance floor.

I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to say everything that I could to her in the time the song began to play, but I could feel all tension leave her body as soon as she held me. She had been trying to make this wedding so perfect, and it was. There’s just something you’ll always know about your children, there’s something you’re always able to provide them. Being there to provide my daughter the comfort that I had tried to do all my life was big for her.

“I’m proud of you. I want you to know that.”

“Dad, you’ve told me that ever since I was a little girl.”

“I know I have, but it’s because it’s true and I want you to know that. Okay? You need to know that you’re important to me. I’m not ready for you to not be my little girl anymore. I’m not ready to wake up tomorrow morning and know that you and Jack won’t be trying to burn down my house making breakfast. I’m not ready to let go of the fact that you really have slipped through my fingers. I don’t know where the time has gone, I just know that it went way too fast, you were always growing and I tried to make it stop but I never could. You’re always going to me Y/n Hotchner to me, you’ll always be my little girl. Just know that I’m a phone call away. I’m a car ride away to watch mamma mia and eat ice cream with.”

I watched her smile and I wiped the tears from her face.

“Just please not chocolate ice cream, dad.”

“I know, never.”

“Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture.”

We began to laugh about the ice cream. At that moment, I really did wish I could freeze the picture because this song was ending, my little girlwas going to be grown up in 30 seconds, and I had to adjust to everyday life with her being a married woman. I was proud of her. She deserved every ounce of it, worked so hard to be who she is now.

As the music faded out, I spun her in a circle and hugged her. The audience of our friends and family began to clap. I held onto her a little too long, but it was something both of us needed. I felt Jack come hug us and we all whispered how much we love each other.

When we finally let go of one another, I quickly stepped out of the way to let everyone else join in on the dance floor. A.J. and Y/n began to dance to the music, and Jack was dancing with Anna. Everyone was smiling. It was a great wedding with family and friends.

As I got Jack home for the night and into his bed, placing Gatorade, water, and Motrin at his bedside, I walked into Y/n’s room. She didn’t come home. For the first night in a while, she wasn’t going to be home. It was something I was going to have to process, but it was okay. I knew she was happy. I knew that I was the father that was trying his best, the father who made a difference in her life.

Y/n slipped through my fingers, I focused too much on trying to capture every minute with her that I didn’t realize how fast she grew up in my eyes. My daughter was married. This day was hard and I didn’t think that there’d be crying on my wedding day like how we cried at Haley's funeral. The thing that was different was that we were crying for different reasons.

I wiped the tear that had fallen onto my cheek and turned out the lights in her room.

She grew up way too fast for me to realize it, but I’m glad I had every minute I did with her. I walked back into my room and got out of my suit. As I laid in bed, I changed my profile picture on social media to the picture of walking Y/n down the aisle.

I then posted another picture of her waving and smiling as she was walking down the aisle with her husband. The caption was perfect for the ending of this night. “She waved goodbye, with an absent-minded smile.”

[yardofangels]

Hi Iris! I just wanted to ask if you had any general head canons about König (your AU or just in general) that you’d want to share? Anything about his upbringing, love language, unhealed trauma ect. that you’d want to divulge? Also I absolutely love your writing. The way you write König is definitely one of my fav interpretations of his character.

OMGGGGGG IVE BEEN W A I T I N G FOR SOMEONE TO ASK ME ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO EXCITED YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND OSPDHVWEVNJWEGOH

thank you sm for your words!! im so flattered <333

for this one its going to be headcanons for my AU of könig. hope you enjoy!!

tw for implied verbal and emotional abuse, bullying, negative self-talk, mentions of locker-room talk, violence, and implied manipulation below the cut!!

könig's flaws and love language have a lot to do with his upbringing. don't get me wrong, it wasn't like what he'd heard of ghost's upbringing. könig had adequate food and shelter, and his parents never blatantly mistreated him. he was never kicked, or hit, never had things thrown at him; nothing was ever wildly hurtful.

but what he had suffered built up over the course of 17 years and had impacts that lasted much longer. shit that he's still trying (not) to work through today. shit that stayed deep within his psyche, that he came back to every time he failed and shit that whispered down his neck, telling him to push himself further.

from the outside looking in, he came from an entirely normal family. his mama and papa loved each other. they went to church every sunday, and beamed when people complimented how tall their boy was getting. könig was spoiled because he was an only child and never had to share the attention. he excelled greatly in the subjects of mathematics and science from the time he was 8 and received recognition for this at school.

but the outside never gets to see how bad you're hurting, does it?

he'll never forget the way his mother straightened his collar, scolding him centimetres away from his face, reminding him that if he gets anything less than a 19/20 on the upcoming test, he'll have no hope of being anything to them.

he still can't seem to shake the look on his father's face when his mother ranted and raved about how könig had tarnished their entire reputation by questioning the teacher's authority, how he was a disgraceful and humiliating child. the way his papa's bushy eyebrows pinched, and he ran a hand over his buzzed hair. the look that screamed 'if i say anything, she'll attack me too.'

none of it was loud. everything his mama ever did to him was only ever alluding to him being the worst thing she had ever done. it was the words, the mind games, and the inability to fight back. he was trapped as a youth. trapped in a household that yelled 'i love you', and whispered 'but only when you are my projection of what you should be.'

of course, it didn't stop there, either. he was torn into relentlessly at school, too. it was much like his home life, except with the added bonus of being thrown into trees and having his face dunked under sinks for extended periods of time.

y'know, typical kid stuff.

they grabbed at anything they could with him. his love of space, his braces (that never really did much to help his teeth in the end), his height, his size, his stutter. all of it. anything that indicated that he was different to the rest of the population was like a big, red target on his back.

what they did at school further cemented in his brain what he learnt at home.

you are worth nothing. you contribute nothing. you are nothing. all you are is an outsider. all you can be is an outsider. you are not attractive. you are not talented. you offer nothing. you are nothing.

this treatment from ages 0-17 is what led to his deeper flaws emerging from 17-25. his frequently infrequent contact with his mother and father, his tendency to distance himself from the other cadets, his daydreams of violence.

he didn't like crying. it sent memories of sobbing in the PE closet and into his pillow flooding back. he preferred to push it down, ignore it, and forget it happened. he would much rather be the first one out at target practice.

he still stuttered. so, he stopped talking. he resorted to closing his mouth, to wearing a bandana, to wearing a balaclava, to wearing his t-shirt. he liked fading into the background, even though his build wouldn't ever really allow it. he hated socialising. at first it was because it made him so nervous (it still does, but he won't admit that). he couldn't find the right words to make himself likable. after a while, he came to resent it. why was everyone else able to pick it up with such ease, but not him? where was the fairness in that? he eventually stopped seeing much point in speaking up more than necessary.

and girls never took interest in him during high school, so he didn't expect them to now. he was never upset with the women, he wouldn't blame them if they wanted nothing to do with him. it was his fellow cadets that drove him insane. talking of a new bird every day, objectifying them, degrading them. part of him wanted to join in; share this bond they seemingly had, talk about his own girl he used up. they made it sound so good. but a bigger part of him was wildly jealous and horrifyingly enraged at what they could say at times. it filled him with a fire that he couldn't quite understand.

this didn't stop him from a go on the local barrack bunny here and there. just to prove to himself that he wasn't entirely devoid of feeling.

he couldn't really pinpoint when the violence arose in him. it just. appeared to him one day. he realised while standing over another limp body that he'd killed someone and enjoyed it. that he'd taken their power away, just like his mother had done to him. his mother who had now disowned him for staying in the army for so long. his mother he wanted to destroy. his mother whom he could never destroy, so he destroys others instead.

eventually, he started pushing the limits everywhere he went. the more settled he got in himself as a man, the more he acted out. this is what landed him in jail. his rash decisions, his anger, his lack of all other emotion. it was eating away at him behind those bars, and he itched to take it further.

that itch only got stronger when he met you. you, who he now had to protect. you, who he saw meaning in. you, who saved him from being consumed by his darkness.

könig doesn't love in a particularly healthy way. i mean, i think that isn't too surprising given what he went through and subsequently put himself through. he loves possessively, he loves obsessively, he loves as if there is nothing else in the world but you and him.

to him, love has no definition. it has no 'right and wrong' other than hurting the person you love. if he has to hide something from you, it's because he doesn't want to lose you. if he has to use his words to twist your mind, it's so you never lose sight of him. if he has to protect you from the world, by any means necessary, it's worth it. if it's you, it's worth it.

he sees no problem in doing morally grey, or even impure things if it means you stay with him. after all, he loves you. you wouldn't deny him, would you? don't you love him too?

he knows it'll never get to the stage where you question him, though. he can see you are wholly dedicated to him. it's only more fuel to him being able to do what he wants to you. he knows if you were aware, you'd like it.

in terms of love languages, könig's biggest is physical touch. he just loves that skin-to-skin contact with you. he loves how much bigger he is compared to you, he loves wrapping himself around you, to the point where it almost looks like you two are one entity. you're just so soft and warm; he can't ever get enough of, in some way, having your skin on his.

aside from that, you'll often find that he shows his love in acts of service. anything from sweeping the kitchen to building a house, if he can serve you or protect you, he'll do it. he's unsure where this tendency came from in him. he just enjoys keeping busy.

he particularly appreciates words of affirmation from you. something he never really received growing up. he would never ask you to praise him, never even admit that he likes it. but when you slip the occasional 'you're so good to me, baby' or 'this is wonderful, you did amazing', he melts. he's a sucker for being told he's good enough, or that he did well.

könig sure as hell isn't perfect, but he's working on being better for you. he's doing what he can to make sure you never see the vulnerable child in him. the wrathful teenager. the uncaring man. he wants you to have the best of him.

and you do, because you bring it out in him naturally.

-------

yeah!! that's it!!! i tried desperately to not talk to much but there's just so much to say. so many things that this post could lead to.

thank you so much for reading this far!! pls reblog if you like it, and send in more requests!! it makes my day!!!

[moonlight-fan2008]

Moonlight rewatch for millionth time

Episode 2 random thoughts and feelings I had while rewatching again: cause I’m bored and have nothing else to do or watch. And I love this show

Mick: monsters don’t get happy ever after. Me: Stop saying you’re a monster! Stop it now

I like Mick’s early 80’s look, it had a 1970ish vibe to it

I know Mick probably panicked but he should have just snapped Lee Jays neck before running off

I like how Beth’s like talk about my feelings? No I’d rather get to work bye lol same girl

I think I’ve said it before but I think Beth purposely picked out a 25 year old single malt to maybe catch Mick in a lie or maybe get some sort of reaction from him

I wish we got more Bobby scenes

My head canon is that Logan and Mick met over World or Warcraft and Mick beat Logan who then threatened Mick (think end game with Thor) and Mick was like oh okay I’m so scared then Logan hacked him and went to his place and was like oh shit my bad uh friends? When he realized Mick was also a vampire

I love him but Mick really needs to think things through before he acts

Ilene deserved better I’m glad she gets justice in the end

Lee Jay in fact did not understand

Mick says vampires don’t have a club house that they hang out at and yet we have this episode where we have vampires at a club that has freshies then several episodes later another club where they all play pool. So what’s the difference?

I never noticed this before but Mick had random lemons in his fridge

There’s like four or five of them in there. It’s most likely for clients that come over but he also has green apples in there too.

Lee Jay is the worst

I like Josef’s casual style in the way that something about it still feels very expensive and true to Josef’s personality

I like how Beth is a ride or die when it comes to Mick. She’s only known him a week but she’s already willing to break the law and go against her boyfriend and friend to help prove his innocence

I wonder what happened to Julia after this episode, I’m sure she went to therapy for everything that happened but it’s just strange we never see her again especially when Josh died

Is it bad that when Mick is running and jumping on the rooftop that StarWars bad lip reading of Yoda singing “now run jump” etc etc was playing in my head? Lol

Where did Mick get that blood packet from and why didn’t he get help for the silver buckshots in his body? Did he just rob a blood bank ? Because I highly doubt Guillermo would let his friend go off on his own in such a vulnerable situation

I like how they didn’t drag out the vampire secret for very long. Sometimes I feel like when writers and directors drag things out like that for too long it becomes a bit stale once things are actually revealed

[dipplinduo]

#1 - 50

no im kidding LOLLLL #25 and 34.

(Context: Questions for Fic Writers Ask Game) LOOOOOL I WAS ABOUT TO BE LIKE "DAMN OKAY" xD

25. What other websites or resources do you use most often when you write?

My toxic habit is that I go on google and look up synonyms of a word and search until I find one I like if I notice I'm repeating myself/want it to hit different. I should be using actual resources imo but I'm too lazy to go find them.

I also tend to research random things for accuracy (e.g. for S&S D, I often check what pokemon are available in certain areas for worldbuilding; for DIOH I recently went on a whole deep dive about sencha so I could incorporate cultural stuff & things like taste appropriately, etc.)

34. What aspects of your writing are inspired by/taken from your real life?

Sweet & Sour Dipplins:

I recently said this but Kieran's dialogue regarding gayness was verbatim my memory of what little me said in response to learning about gay people & a family member's disapproval of gay marriage ("Isn't love just love, though?")

Some of the highlights of Juliana's character are based on what I aspire to be/try to be, and her character flaws are based on what I know are my own.

Not really irl stuff but I lazily decided Juliana's team is legit my Scarlet team because I didn't feel like putting too much thought into it LOOOOL

I think I pull from my interactions with my irl guy friends when thinking of what Drayton would do/say sometimes. Also same with the bromance that is Arven/Crispin.

I base a lot of Sweet & Sour Applins' behaviors off of cats. Sweet Applin is more of my freinds' domestic cats, while Sour Applin is closer to a cat I grew up with and saved from the streets. She had a very big love/hate relationship with me in particular DESPITE ME BEING THE FIRST HUMAN SHE WARMED UP TO AND THE LITERAL REASON SHE GOT A HOME-

One of the S&S kissing scenes is based on something I've experienced personally. I am not saying which one. 💀

The Dichotomy in Our Hearts:

People in my personal life often describe my disposition as being "sunshiney", but I can have my own broody rainclouds when I'm down lol. I usually appreciate being able to talk about my feelings but if I'm in a particularly rare mood of total despondence nothing will really work on me other than silence and physical touch. It's my primary love language and Kieran's own despondence being broken through with it in Chapter 2 is a very ME thing in hindsight LOOOOL

Juliana hiding her feelings is something I have absolutely done with crushes growing up, and her shy but curious and caring disposition is based off of my past self. How she will deal with her secret crush on Kieran will also be dealt with in the way I have dealt with my own (although this is coincidence and is for the plot).

A Sugary Sweet Kiss:

One time I went on a date with someone who was really really nervous the whole time, and I pulled a littleeeee bit from him when I was characterizing Kieran. I also dressed very nicely while the other person dressed down like Juliana and Kieran did in the fic. xD

[equallyshaw]

𝔥𝔬𝔭𝔢 𝔲𝔯 𝔬𝔨𝔞𝔶 𝔣𝔢𝔞𝔱 𝔴𝔦𝔩𝔩𝔦𝔞𝔪 𝔫𝔶𝔩𝔞𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔯 (𝔦𝔪𝔞𝔤𝔦𝔫𝔢 +𝔦𝔫𝔰𝔱𝔞 𝔢𝔡𝔦𝔱)

Warnings: none

Word Count: 868

Sour Masterlist.

────────────

I knew a boy once, when I was small

A tow-head blond, with eyes of salt

I knew William back when we were just some random younglins in sweden. Our blonde hair and blue eyes could be spotted from a distance away and they know it was us. We grew up next door to eachother, and if you couldn't fine one of us, we were most likely with the other. Growing up Mrs.Nylander always liked to joke that we were soulmates, well actually she wasn't joking. I thought that too but then he left, for Toronto and then it was too late. I really thought we'd somehow, someday be together. I still remember that day, the sun was shining so brightley, the air just right, the lake calm as ever with soft waves and the perfect picnic to end the summer.

I remember doing a double take, and then blabbering about college and how we had planned to go to college together while he was in the Sweden Pro League. All he did was stare at me, and I realized that our plans had changed without me knowing.

And somehow, we fell out of touch

Hope he took his bad deal and made a royal flush

Don't know if I'll see you again someday

After he left for Toronto, we planned to stay in touch. We did until his first game in the NHL. His family and my family flew out to Toronto to catch his first pro game and then after that, things changed. More time passed between text messages and face times. More and more excuses from him and at some point I'd had enough. So I blocked him on social media and his phone numner. The Willy I had grown up with and the one I had cared so deeply for, was no longer the one I knew. Maybe the billet family had changed him? Though when we met them, they were sweethearts especially the blonde mom. Maybe the money had but that would have been so out of character for him

The Nylanders moved a few blocks away in 2019, and that was the the first time she had heard about them or William for that matter. Despite having the home next store, they spent most of their time in Miami and their Canadian home. So there was really no way that I'd see him ever again. Our lives were just so different.

After they moved, she heard through the grapevine that William was having a hard time in Toronto. He had even reached out to my dad for some advice, because of his time in the Sweden Pro League and understood long negotitations on contracts. My dad spent the better part of a day talking to him and for the first time in years, she heard his voice. It was deeper than the last time she had heard it, and his laugh even more hearty.

My dad went on to explain that his contract wasn't what he deserved, at dinner after his signing. He had wastde the first part of the season, and feared it would harm his career. My dad said that he'd get paid no matter what but would of walked away and try to get another contract for smaller time. But that was his decision, because he loved the team, staff and city. That meant, he would not be seeing the family anytime soon. He wouldn't be seeing me for who knows how longer.

Address the letters, to the holes in my butterfly wings

William left a hole in my heart, that has yet to be closed now at 25. . I fear that it will never be. My grandmother explained that the reason it hasn't healed is because I still am holding onto hope that Ill see him again and he'll see me the way I see him. My grandma jokes I should fly to Toronto without a return ticket and see what happens. But everybody knows I'd never do that.

Well, I hope you know how proud I am you were created

'Cause I love you, and I hope that you're okay

My dad during the 2022 playoffs, said one night at our weekly Sunday dinner that he was getting a ton of hate that was unwarrented. But explained that it was just part of the job, and the hardships of it. I remember nodding and making a note to look him up when we were done. I saw the hate that they were giving and going after who he was as a person. I debated on reaching out to him and wish him well in the playoffs but debated if that was weird or wrong of me. I enlisted the help of my two sibilings and they pushed me to do it. Stating that I was his absolute best friend at one point.

I opened instagram, unblocked his account and opened messages.

Hi Willy-

hope ur okay! Sending so many positive vibes and love as the season rolls on. Keep pushing the boundaries, Raring. (darling)

Sent- May 19th, 2022

Read- May 21st, 2022

Hi Rosey-

thankyou for the encouraging words! hope ur doing okay too, blond. (blondie)

•

@rosetheviking: s/out to mama for sending me some archives from back in the day.

Location: Scandinavian

2.9k likes, 78 comments.

||

@sibiling1: the first photo 😭

@sibiling2: more like an outfit recap for the past 20 years

@rosetheviking: tbh

@bestfriend: iconic in every era

@rosetheviking: 🫶🏻🫶🏻

@alexnylander: but y’all were so cute !!

@sibiling1: ummmm that’s what we have always said 💀

@sibiling2: where have u been??

@alexnylander: trying to beat this guy @williamnylander

@randomuser1: he fumbled a dime

@sibiling2: this !!!

@cousin1: such a cutie pie 🥹

@rosetheviking: 🤍

@williamnylander: two peas in a pod 🤞🏻

@rosetheviking: srsly

@williamnydlander: wait — you had red hair ???

@rosetheviking: yep unfortunately you missed my rebellious era 👼🏼

@sibiling1: it was a fun time

@williamnylander: I’m sure. I definitely was on the receiving end of mischief as a kid

@williamnylander has messaged @rosetheviking: fancy a Toronto trip?

—

Hope you all enjoyed ! Please like and reblog if you did :)

- tbh not my best work but wanted to get it out !

Tags:

@seattlekrakengirl @slafgoalskybaby @bitchinbarzal @z3gras @zegrasbabyyy @hockeyboysarehot @fallinallincurls @zegras2crosby @jayda12 @nicoleloveshockey @hockey-lover86 @huggybug @cellythefloshie

[kimerawrt]

Dannymay 2024, now with kitty paws!

Prompts from my AU, also in AO3

Day 25: Games

They did it. They finally reached their destination.

Danny, Sam and Tucker entered the cave where the entrance to the hidden place in which the item they needed was located. They had fought against a lot of enemies, resolved many puzzles, and went through many difficult challenges to reach this place. ‘The Temple of Despair’.

In that place, they would obtain the legendary armor, sword, and energy gun that they needed to beat the game.

The three teens were playing their favorite game ‘Doomed’.

“Dibs on the gun!” Tucker said. His character was one that used futuristic energy guns to defeat his enemies from a safe distance. Though the guns were not that different from the ecto-guns they used to fight ghosts.

“As long as I get the sword, I don't care” Sam’s avatar was huge and used black armor. She was one of the best players in the world even if she did not participate in any competition. The goth wanted the sword mostly because of the unique effect of the shadow aura that it would gave her.

“Nya!” Danny agreed to take the armor.

The halfa had discovered that he could possess his own computer and play the game from inside. Of course, only in his ghost cat form. It also didn't matter that his character was humanoid, as soon as he entered the game as a cat, his avatar became that of the cat form he obtained that day.

Danny was a white cat with his tail and paws fading into pixels. Very fitting to use inside the game.

“Let’s go. Remember to look out for traps” Sam led them into the temple.

“Sure. Danny, you lets us know when enemies are coming” Tucker had an ability to detect and disarm traps.

“Meow!” Danny’s ability was useful to know when strong enemies were around them. It didn't work against weak enemies though.

Little by little, the party of three conquered the ‘Temple of Despair’. Many enemies were slayed, lots of treasure chests were opened, and many traps were disabled by Tucker, making their journey even faster.

After some time, they reached the last room of the temple. There, the boss of the ‘Temple of Despair’ was waiting for them. It looked like an amalgam of insects, snakes and crows. It looked very scary but the teens thought that it wouldn’t look out of place in the Ghost Zone. 

Once they defeat the boss, they would obtain the legendary items they came for.

“Ok, you both know the plan, right?” Sam said. Her friends tended to get distracted and forget the plan sometimes.

“Yes, yes. You tank. I deal damage and heal a little while Danny makes the most damage” Tucker nodded. They had done this strategy a lot of times already.

“Yes, so don’t glitch the game again Danny. I don’t want to go through this dungeon again” Sam warned the cute white cat next to her.

“Meeeow” Danny nodded, understanding what she meant. 

The halfa had glitched the game many times already because he used his ghost powers inside the game and that made the digital world do strange things. Things like making the boss intangible and unbeatable. That was a hard fight for everyone involved and they had to glitch the game even more to defeat that boss.

Thanks to the strategy and Danny controlling his instincts about using his powers, they defeated the boss and gained the legendary items.

Sam looked even more powerful and goth-like with the dark aura surrounding her avatar’s body. Tucker was quite happy with his new gun as it shoots energy beams extremely fast. Danny put on the armor but, because his form was not part of the game, it didn't appear on him. Though Danny knew his normal avatar would have the armor anyway. 

The special feature about the armor was that it gave him a new ability to run at great speeds. Danny loved running super fast around his friends.

[sketchyelvenasss]

9, 15, and 21 for everyone sound fun! (Though 13 and 14 for any Durge are also fun, if you feel like it? :))

Thank you for the ask! Sorry for the wait I had to mull over a few things :3

9) What is your OC’s greatest wish/dream/goals?

Honestly Rexander is looking forward to when he and Astarion can retire from the nomadic life they continued after they had saved the world. Not that he’s tired of looking for a way to cure Astarion’s vamprism-- that’s his main goal, but I thought that was an easy answer. It is a promise he intends to keep. He would just like to find it before he is too old so he can enjoy a quiet, slow life with him.

Aerika is constantly striving to balance his faith, love and worldly wants. A feat that has become far more complicated post the events of the game. He is happily married, but still wants to continue his expeditions to the underdark, but also wants to pursue the magical study he had largely sidelined after becoming a cleric. After a couple years Aerika does take far fewer trips to the underdark to spend more time with Gale because he does understand, even with Gale’s magic, the disparity between their lifespans. (even so he doesn't for a moment regret showing Gale he desired him the mortal man--not a deity made from him)

It is never good to wish to reverse time, but Orville can’t help himself.. Act 2 Astarion admits that he met and lured Orville’s mother to Cazador. That revelation really hurt, but Orville chose--after a lot of tears and self reflection-- to forgive him because at that point he did love him. Then Act 3 they learn everything-- that somewhere in that mass of 7,000 spawn was his mother. He wishes he could undo the pain she went through and those years she suffered down here in the dark. If he could he would have trade places with her.

15) Has your OC ever fallen in love before who their intended love interest is, or is the intended love interest their first love?

I wouldn’t call what Rex and Gortesh had love. A mutual attraction from a thirst for power and desire to display dominance? Rex really was a different person than who he became. (I work with the idea that Orin pm gave him a lobotomy when she deposed him)

Aerika wanted to get married once before. There was a young(25) tiefling named Dhymos that would volunteer to help clean the temple a couple times a week. They got to know each other well after the tiefling accidentally bumped into Aerika as he rounded a corner and dumped water all over him romcom style. For several years they were partners that Aerika took more seriously than Dhymos did. Not to paint Dhymos as a bad guy, it was just a lack of communication on both their parts, and Aerika’s long absences didn’t help matters either. When Aerika proposed, Dhymos turned him down as politely as possible.

Orville’s first love is Astarion. That is probably why it is so hard, and why despite everything he doesn’t want to let those feelings go. If he could give that up and just be mad at the elf it would be so much easier, but he can’t. He wants to forgive and love him. But feelings are complicated and are not so easily reconciled.

21) Any embarrassing secrets your OC demands you take to the grave but you will share anyway?

Not sure how much of a secret it is, but Rexander is embarrassed that he’s ticklish. It’s a weird sensation for him. So he’d rather others not now about it. Astarion takes too much advantage as it is after he found out.

Aerika is a cleric, but he’s never felt like his devotion demanded chastity. He’s not quick to tell the story that he and Dhymos were nearly caught screwing in the temple garden. It started out as a late evening date after Aerika had been gone for several months. Then they got a little carried away. Abstinence makes the fond grow harder…(something like that right? :3)

Orville is a pretty open book if he’s comfortable with someone so he doesn’t really have secrets. Though one time he did get fleeced by a woman that caught him pickpocketing. She told him he was handsome and offered to buy him a drink. Next thing he knows he wakes up in only his small clothes tied to a bed by all four posts. Wasn’t till the innkeeper came to clean the room the next day he was found.

Durge questions: Hermon Hemlock

13 + 14) Does your OC have a good relationship with their parents or no? What about any siblings, do they have any and is their relationship good?

Short answer, yes(13). I do not have a deep understanding of DnD lore so don’t mind me if my headcanons break rules or are weird in context.

Longer answer: Hermon was raised alongside Orin by Sarevok. Sarevok is more like a parental figure for him and he desires to please him as much as he wants to sever Bhaal and please himself. The relationship with his father is more like that of a god and a chosen, but Hemlock is very happy with that arrangement.

Despite everything I would say Hemlock and Orin have a good relationship. A rivalry for sure, but there is no hatred between them. Hemlock madly respects her coup. If not for some bad luck she would have completely succeeded. Orin may be slighted by Hemlock being favored since birth, but they were always competing. She would be lying if she said she didn’t watch him and take cues from his work. Hemlock honorably accepts her duel and gives her a satisfying end.

As far as murder siblings go… its a pretty good relationship XD

[beesflowers]

𝒟𝑒𝓇𝓇𝑒𝓉𝒽 𝒮𝓉𝑜𝓇𝓎 𝒱𝑜𝒾𝒸𝑒-𝐿𝒾𝓃𝑒𝓈

Characters: Derreth

Type: OC description

Hello

Welcome dear and mighty Traveler! I heard of your achievements and of how many people you saved! So… what do you say for small deal, huh?

Chat: Counting

1, 2, 3... huh... I made only 3 thousands mora today... ehh... not much clients...

Chat: Game

Its' boring here... Wanna play a game? No? Oh...

Chat: Song

♪ I love Mora~ And Mora loves me~ Mora comes- ♪ No wait... that's not how it went... Oh well, who cares?! ♪ Lalalalala ♪

When It Rains

Wait... Did I closed my stand?! Oh let's hope I did...

When Thunder Strikes

Watch out. It can be dangerous during this time and I don't sell any medications.

When the Wind Is Blowing

Ahh, I love wind like that~ What? It's not often when you get cold wind where I come from!

Good Morning

Good morning! Eat something and begin new day! I'll go on stand a bit later... surely I can enjoy my meal!

Good Afternoon

Good afternoon there! Would you like some Zaytun Peaches? I'll give you 25% off since you're such a great companion!

Good Evening

Good evening! Are you done with your quests? If so, how about we go on a walk? It may be good to take your mind off things from time to time!

Good Night

Good nigh! I don't know about you but I'm definitely going to sleep! I don't want to be a zombie tomorrow after all...

About Derreth: Wondering

I often wonder how Dori is doing... I really hope she's having a good childhood... maybe I should visit her someday? No, others might recognize me...

About Derreth: Best School

Did you know that I attended to one of those "fancy schools" back in elementary school? Well it's actually horrible! You meet kids that are spoiled, teachers that see you as money and they have strict teaching system! Good for me I knew how to cheat... I passed that whole school and all exams with flying colors!

About Us: Travelers

So you say you come from different world? Well I just think we may not be so different after all... you got here by force and I had no other choice that to escape my region... Oh well, let's not think about it! Let's go somewhere else, okey? This place seems to take out too much memories from me.

About Us: Friends

After how much we've been through, I think I can safely call you my friend. This comes with many benefits! We can help each other with our problems and if you catch me on good mood, I may even give you small treat for free~ Don't get used though!

About Vision

I got my vision when I was escaping from Sumeru. It would've been more useful before it but... I won't complain. But Pyro Archon does have... interesting taste it seems. I'm a little scared to go to Natlan region now!

Something to Share

Okey, let me tell you BIG secret! Did you knew I had a husband? Hehe~ Yeah, I really did! But it wasn't that great... that's why I'm kinda holding back with marriage now. Heizou seems to understand tho!

About Dori

Oh Dori! How's she doing? Can you tell we're sisters? Yeah, unfortunely we had to part away... you won't mind if I use you to deliver few messages, right?

About Heizou

Oh? Heizou? Haha! Let me tell you a secret! But you have to promise me that you won't tell anyone else! Especially Heizou! Okey so... after we started dating, he started wearing shoes that make him look higher~ It's kinda cute if you look at it...

About Sean (@vodka-glrl OC)

He's great! He could be less grumpy sometimes but I guess it's only accurate looking at what he've been through... Not gonna tell you that! But did you know that he has crush on Yo- actullly no, wait... if I tell you he might ACTUALLY tell Heizou that one secret of mine... let me remain silent then...

About Arataki Itto

He's really nice guy! But the place where we met was… a jail… not great start of friendhip but hey! We're friends now!

About Kuki Shinobu

She's great!! She always helps Itto when he gets into jail and since I'm Mr. Detectives girlfriend, I can help out a lot~ I also suggest that if you ever get into jail, you can count on both of us!

About Kujou Sara

This little… Agh! Can I not do what I'm passionate in Inazuma anymore!? Honestly she needs to mind her own things!

About Yae Miko

She's amazing! We often flirt with each other for fun and some people think it's for real! I can't tell you how many times Heizou told me that he was informed that I'm cheating on him with Yae...

About Yoimiya

She's great! She's always so lively and cheerful! Honestly, if you look for someone to entertain you and I'm unavaible, she's the best option!

About Sayu

I honestly would love to sleep all day... I know she has work as ninja but just being sleep for one whole day would be perfect for me! As nice is it seems, I doubt I could stay in bed for so long...

About Sangonomiya Kokomi

I only know a little about her from Ry- Sean! She seems like very nice lady to me! It's a shame she had to go through all this... How about you tho? Did you met her yourself? If so can you tell me a bit about her as well?

More About Derreth: I

You know, Yoimiya isn't the only want you can go to when you want to escape from Inazuma! I admit, she's great but if she's busy, you can always come to me! I may or may not have some experience~

More About Derreth: II

I'm honestly really glad that I'm all healthy now! It's really a curse to lay in hospital bed through a long time... afte a week, I can guarantee that you'll get bored to death! I hope my sickness won't come back after all those years...

More About Derreth: III

You wonder how it's possible that I had a husband when I'm just 18? Well you see... there's something like forced marriage that exists... usually when both families have some benefits and they force their children to be married. Not fun... but it's important that I'm not stuck anymore! I like my freedom very much you see!

More About Derreth: IV

When I escaped Sumeru, I left my good friend there... I honestly hope he's doing alright now... life also wasn't good on him... Oh well, I believe he's a responsible guy so I'm sure he'll be just great!

More About Derreth: V

I'm sometimes not sure about Heizou... I know he loves me but I'm not a saint. I don't just mean the more... illegal trades I do. I mean my past... Sometimes we have no choice... or I was dumb and stupid... well I don't like going back to it. How about we change the topic?

Derreth's Hobbies

Now I like to go around different dark places in Inazuma and hide there. It's rather peacful, especially that one cave in Inazuma. I will take you there one day! It's really pretty there~

Derreth's Troubles

I'm kinda not used to heat anymore, as much as I was before traveling to Inazuma. I feel like even if I wanted, it would be hard for me to deal in Sumeru. Sure I can skip walks around deset... eh... I will think of it.

Favorite Food

I absolutely love Tulumba! They may be a bit unhealthy because of the amount of oil they need but it's really great! I even managed to make it a bit healthy just so I can eat it every day! I'll give you a nice treat if you'll deserve it~

Least Favorite Food

I dislike dishes that have nothing but meat. Don't get me wrong! I like eating meat but not when it's alone. I need something alongside...

Receiving Gift: I

For me?! Oh you didn't had to~ Well show me!

Receiving Gift: II

Aoooh~ I see you understood my taste~

Receiving Gift: III`Receiving Gift: III

You're so generous today! Don't mind if I take it~

Birthday

Hey there Traveler! Happy Birthday to you! Hehe~ Don't think I forgot! I prepared day full of surprises for you~ Follow me! I'll show you our first stop! And you can also find your first gift there~

Feelings About Ascension: Intro

Huh... that's a nice gift, I'll tik it! Thank you!

Feelings About Ascension: Building Up

Oh so it wasn't just one time gift... I'm a bit interested to see how far will you go...

Feelings About Ascension: Climax

Oh! I feel so much better now! Well, well, keep going and I might reward you~

Feelings About Ascension: Conclusion

Traveler wins!! Hehe~ alrigth, I told you I will reward you so I did! You can choose anything from my stand for free! And I don't mean my fruit stand! You know which one I mean~ But it's not all! I wanted to thank you. At first I wasn't sure if you're just using me but now... I see that you're my true friend. Thank you for that.

[lilycutesmith]

Top 25 Formative Games/Series For Lily Cutesmith, Dipshit Game DevTM here's a long ass post about these and my thoughts if that's something you're interested in

anyways I made a long ass thread about my choices here so I'm formatting it better here under a readmore (games are done in no particular order really)

7th Dragon Code VFD is a fun game that's probably the weakest in the series but it is the only one that came out over here and while the others have fan-translations i havent gotten too far in any of them. They're good games imo! VFD just sorta came out and was there when I needed it. It's not good once you play the other games and find out the developmental history of VFD is "the company making it went under and SEGA basically finished it for them and its a fucking miracle it even came out this side of the pond." The 2020 games (there's two) for the PSP have Hatsune Miku in them and you can unlock the Miku version of the OSTs by saving her in a side mission in those games and they have some REALLY cool environmental art direction/design so I think they're worth checking out. The series was started/directed by the director of the first EO game and you can very easily see the shared DNA in the series, despite the different design direction it took. VFD is VERY easy to break once you reach a certain point in the game so its by far the easiest, and in all of the games the random encounters are only really threatening for the first few levels, but the real meat of the combat is in the Dragon and Boss encounters. The party size is a more standard 4-members in 1, with a row system too and it plays largely like what one may consider a standard rpg combat system with the React Turns being kinda there. 2020 takes the React Turns and turns it into a genuine part of the game's action economy once you get access to the buffs that grant them upon fulfilling the conditions. This is vital due to the game's 3 Member party size! Its cool. I like it a lot and would love to explore the design space of that further, because i think its a much more interesting system then SMT's Press Turn System. It's something that's really got my brain juicing.

It was a bloody battle between Link to the Past and Link's Awakening but I think the randomizer specifically pushes LTTP to the finish line for me. I really like both and other zelda games though so tough choice. I like a lot of zelda games to be fair and am a known Zelda 2 enjoyer (ill beat it one day…) but like, Link's Awakening sticks to me because a) played it a lot as a kid, and b) man it's story is pretty good and I read someone's take on it as being a farewell to the like, more simple stories of a hero vs the dark lord that most adventure stories had at the time as they shifted to being much more in-depth and grown-up in a sense? And I think that's neat. However, Link to the Past won over it for me here because like, man, I did 100% the GBA version including the four swords content/bonus dungeon, and also like, I spend a lot of time with the randomizer and I've really come to appreciate the like, toolset and layout of the game. It's cool as hell. I don't really have strong opinions on the 3D games frankly. I like the setting of the series though, its a p huge influence on me, and I would be loathe to not include a representive on this list.

I'd probably put Pokemon Scarlet here instead but i didnt see it in the fucking thing and apparently Pokemon Ruby wasn't there either (was not into the remake) so Red version it is (i played yellow but lol) realistically this just represents the entire series for me tho. So you might go "lily why the fuck Scarlet?" and like, man, its probably the most fun I've had in a mainline game and the story was a lot of fun to go through. I havent played the DLC and tbh I'm probably not going to but I like what I've heard of it. The ost also fucks but that's pretty much the standard for pokemon, there's always bangers in there. ANYWAYS, the point here is that pokemon is hugely influential on me and that's why it's on the list baby!!!!!!! I have a million thoughts on the design of pokemon games but that's something for an Ask and another time.

Kirby Super Star is also here bc I played it a SHITTON as a kid and the cart we had was faulty so we often had to do the entire game in one go typically but the nature of the game made that mostly fine and it was fun so like!! Like, I would probably rank Planet Robobot or Forgotten Lands or even Star Allies higher then KSS, but I think in terms of like, once again, influencing my Entire Identity And Existence, KSS takes the cake!! I don't think I have much more to add to this point tbh, I just really like Kirby games!

Fairune Collection is here partially bc I did really like it and it kinda made me think about what a game IS. Also i really like the games by the dev and the worlds they've built so it goes here. This point also includes Kamiko and Transiruby by the same dev as well. I really like how their pixel art looks and the overall visual direction of their works. Also cute girls. That's vital here. I think if you like, puzzle adventure games, the Fairune Collection is a good pick up. They're funny lil games.

you dont play Fall Guys to win, you play it to be the Biggest Clown in the show, and sometimes that gets you the win. I play with a friend only though so the clowning IS twofold. But also like, honestly, the game controls in a very specific way that sucks but Purposefully So? It feels good to play. It's a very interesting game design-wise in that way, and the level creator really lets you explore that and that's cool. The like, """kaizo""" level potential is honestly really high and we've seen some cool stuff in that regard too. Obviously I am obligated to say that it is a F2P game with microtransactions for funny outfits and animations, so obviously if that's bad for you then don't play it. I DID drop money on it for the miku outfit and concert emote myself bc like, miku. We also discovered that you can grab-cancel emotes and if they make a sound at the start you can beep very aggressively and its VERY funny. It fucking rules to beep around someone and then they figure out how to do it and join us and like, the game really stands out when you do the classic "jump and emote at someone to communicate in an mmorpg" activity.

"Why no souls games?" I enjoy souls games but they weren't ever particularly like, influences to me? Code Vein however is where I got my current sona/vtuber design idea from and its a fucking unhinged 6-7/10 game ever it rules. Like where do I even start with this game really? It's a mid to bad story with pretty fun combat and systems and a very funny character creator and its impossible to take seriously with most of the level design being Whatever with the exception of the Cathedrel of Sacred Blood which is a huge fucking part of the game that actually tests your observational skills outside of the enemy encounters, and the game is fucking FUN as hell! incredible game changed me as a person, made me feel like I was starting to really understand video games as a medium when i finished it.

Shadowbringers is specifically the expansion and not like the entire FFXIV game; its an incredibly strong story about fighting for a future you may not even see and that's extremely resonate to me. makes me want to make an rpg. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda soured on FFXIV after Endwalker for a variety of reasons (shoutouts to the raid series though, Scream is a banger song), so I dont really play it anymore. Shadowbringers is still in my heart though, and like, man, its hard to describe. Ardbert is fantastic, the conclusion with Elidibus is incredible, going through whats left of the First really drives home the despair of the situation while showing the resilience of the people still remaining, emet squelch is there. And like, really, I think the story as a whole just very much resonates with me especially with gestures at the world as a whole going on so like, idk maybe I'm saying the wrong words then what I mean too. I'm into it. Shoutouts to Eden 8's pre-final phase with Gaia being Gay As Hell. That part in conjunction with the song live rent-free in my head, esp as inspiration for one of my pairs of OCs.

Zero 2 is here bc its a fucking good game that greatly influenced my tastes in gameplay and aesthetic. why arent people making MMZ-style games where are you people. Anyways I don't know how much I could add or explain this because really the "MMZ-Style Games" bit doesnt make sense unless you're familiar with how the games feel to play lmao. There's a niche for incredibly tight movement + combat in a 2d Platformer with levels that you can play for Rank to test yourself and i am just not seeing them tbh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Iji is the first game to make me cry as a teen. one of the strongest standouts from the early western indie game scene by far. I dont think I particularly cared for the gameplay thinking on it, but I also think that's like fine because its a very unique game and it plays well enough for exactly the kind of game it needs to be. The fact this is one of the first games to go "hey, you don't actually need to kill anyone, and in fact, you probably really don't want to anymore once you get the fuller picture of what's going on because god DAMN the situation is bad" is really important to me and like, man, maaaaaaan, the game's good. Shoutouts to Asha, worst funniest cockiest dipshit ever 10/10.

An Untitled Story is just a solid game from celeste dev who is responsible for the game maker platformer engine I eventually adapted into my own form. I think the game itself is like fine and I really like that one of the MAIN upgrades you get for progression is straight up hatching from an egg. Ultimately, the game is on here because it greatly affected my game dev trajectory. "Why not Celeste tho?" i havent played it and really just havent felt like playing it, its not the time yet.

I picked Double Dealing Character as the touhou representative because while Ten Desires is the first touhou game I truly got into and beat repeatedly, DDC is like, the one that REALLY got me into the series and made friends during. I think if you're looking to try playing any of the mainline touhou shmups this is a good starting point; there aren't any like, game specific mechanics you need to worry about and there's some really fun/funny spellcards that'll trip you up, the challenge is just in the right spot I think. Touhou as a SERIES is a huge inspiration for me (I literally made several fangames at this point) so it resides in a special place in my heart.

tetris attack is a game that i wish i could play against other people like i straight up plan on implementing online into touhou panel date pon for this explicit reason i crave violence that only swapping panels can sate. i really dont need to add more to this, but I also enjoy Dr Mario and Tetris. I don't think I'm MASTERFUL at them but I fall into a weird spot of "Not Pro but Super Not Casual" for them so its hard to play Versus in these games (not that there's easy ways to play falling block match 3 versus games that aren't Tetris or Puyo but i mean…)

the probably big ???? here for most people who are familiar with it is Mystic Quest and a) dude that game's soundtrack FUCKS b) I played it a lot as a kid whenever my family stayed at my aunt's house and it was so much fun. S/o to Shining in the Darkness for the same reason (and is probably why i latched onto EO in the first place tbh). Listen, FFMQ is the most baby shit rpg ever but it is a vital piece of my soul as a game designer/developer/person. You have to respect it, if nothing else for the OST.

La-Mulana, Baba is You, and Ittle Dew get the same entry on here as they are more or less on here for the same reasons. They're all puzzle games on wildly different axis and really made me think about what challenge means for a video game. La-Mulana (this includes 2 for the record) because the game asks you "ok dipshit, how good are you at taking and using notes and remembering what verbs you have? Also here's some slapstick jokes for your enrichment lol". Its great. You have to respect the game because it WILL throw a banana peel in front of you and you WILL slip if you aren't paying attention. Baba Is You is just a phenomal take on sokoban. Rules are fake actually as it turns out. Ittle Dew I struggle to remember any actual puzzles from (granted its been a Hot Minute since I played it) but I DISTINCTLY remember that both 1 and 2 do the funny joke of "hey if you know how to do weird shit with your tools you can get into Places You Shouldn't Be In" and that owns. It's similar to Baba Is You in that regard but it feels like a very different angle, imo. These games helped me sort of like, come to terms with and grasp the idea of games challenging you from different angles? Its not ALL about execution, after all!

shoutouts to crocomire jumpscare, got me good when i was like, 8-9. Super Metroid really sticks in my mind as a result of playing it a lot as a kid, but especially because of that part. I picked Super Metroid specifically bc its the game I probably played the most of when I was younger, though realistically that title might actually belong to Zero Mission bc I did nearly everything in that game except for the Low% Runs bc jesus christ those are hard as hell. Anyways I really like Metroid Primes 1 and 2 (didnt particularly care for 3? wii-mote aiming doesnt do it for me either) and most of the games and like, I've talked about how the gamefeel of the 2D ones is very unique and I dislike the term metroidvania bc there's usually way more emphesis on the -vania part then anything like Metroid lmao. But yeah, samus cool and gay. Would love to see people make metroid-style games with a slower n more methodical gameplay style tbh. I should also make that at some point.

Etrian Odyssey V is my pick for EO because imo its probably the most solid one in terms of the team figuring out how to design the games and just has REALLY fun class and encounter design. I get why ppl might shy from it bc its different aesthetic from the others but its good. Each class has a Base Set of Skills that sort of gives you an idea of how they'll play but then you unlock the Master Sets and you have to pick one for each class (each class gets two) and that allows you to really focus your characters and the teambuilding aspect really pops off at this point. The FOE puzzles and dungeon layouts are fun and the random encounters will explode you for fucking up, its great. Just a really strong and focused entry to the series, and I feel like the one that really delivers on the EO experience. I don't really wanna talk about the other games otherwise we'd be here all night but I do want to make a note that if you're looking to play the first 3 games, the HD Remasters are probably your best bet as the QoL shit (+ slight balance changes to how some skills work/they behave properly now; Beast notably still works the same but is better now due to the Provoke changes; "but Loyalty still sucks?" welllllllll there's quirks to how you can use that to your advantage actually; remember these are team building games!) really helps make them easier to play and get through. Anyways big fan of EOV, its decidedly my favorite after getting thru most of my second replay (i need to get back to it lol). Recommend if you're itching for an RPG with teeth that's not overwhelming you with a bajillion numbers and has a lot of depth to how you can build your team.

Order of Ecclesia is here bc gender. also bc its my second castlevania game (i started with Dawn of Sorrow) and i managed to 100% somehow. idk its a fun game and i think it might've been one of the first games where I REALLY started to understand the concept of game mechanics, because idiot baby me finally realized that "oh enemies have RESISTANCES and WEAKNESSES and my weapons can HIT those weaknesses for MASSIVE DAMAGE" after trying to genuinely master the game for the hitless medal rewards (unhinged btw, but i mean you also got the Death Ring bc well if you're using that you HAVE to do hitless lol). Anyways I dont care much for Castlevania as a series tbh, but OoE (and by extension DoS) were formative games for me so they go on here. Shanoa is also Gender so like, lol lmao

I dont actually have much to say for Knytt Stories. I cant remember as much as I would like but I feel fondness recalling it and I think it definitely influenced how I think about games. This goes for Knytt too, the first one. I think if nothing else, these games were probably the first games I played where the primary focus was simply area atmosphere and VibesTM and they were cute and fun to play.

dragon's dogma is on here bc i think its one of the first games where I actually thought about my character's gender and tried out the name Robin for a bit there. also its a fun fucking game and I liked how wild it gets past a point. Really just, primarily hoping that 2 has a much larger enemy variety pool. Clambering around on shit and stabbing it was hella fun. But yeah this is really just on here for the gender reasons lmao.

Wonder Girl 3 The Dragon's Trap (the remaster/make/whatever) is the game to bring up whenever "does animation affect game feel" as a topic comes up because its THE shining example of it doing that imo. its also just a good fucking game I think about a lot. good ost to boot. Like, I think about the game itself and its like just a really solid fun action platformer with exploratory elements and minor ""rpg"" elements? but it really vibes with me aesthetically. It's an inspiration for me, because frankly I love making these sorta games? I wish there were more like it.

ok last game. Potato Flowers in Full Bloom is such a good fucking game. its cute. its good. I would kill for Chief, love her. she just wants to feed the world dude. 10/10. its kind of like a puzzle rpg in a sense? I really like it. DRPGs are a niche genre, and I think PFiFB is a very unique take on it, and like, I really recommend it if you're juicing for something that's a bit different. Last I checked you can cheese a lot of it by building an evasion character turbo hard but like I think that's fine, there's plenty of variety in terms of how you can build characters and its fun. It's cute. It made me rethink how I approach game design? I think? Idk. It's just a game i really enjoyed and I think you should try out if you like RPGs.

I forgot to talk about the X Series since the thing didnt have X1 on there for some reason so the Collection is there (for the PS2). The series quality is all over the place but damn if it aint a formative series for me, in much of the same vein as the Zero series.

In conclusion you need to have played at least 75% of this list if you want to stand even a chance of dating/fighting me.

EDIT: actually I have a couple of notes I want to talk further about to.

a. "Why no Mario games? Sonic games?" So While I Do Enjoy Mario Games, none of them are what I would call necessarily formative for me? They're all more like, games I take inspiration from rather then affecting my brain on the level the other games did. As for Sonic, I just have not play the games LOL.

b. "Undertale?" Man, I like Undertale a lot, its just not on the list for a similar reason to the above.

c. I did try to stick to one game per series/developer but that sorta fell apart as I racked my brain for games lmao. shit's hard when you have a lot of thoughts and poorly processed words.

[thelouvrefm]

— 𝐤𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐜𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐚 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨 . . .

( muse f / 25 / cis woman / she/her/hers ) — did you see KELLY ACOSTA wandering around the island today? they kind of look like ANYA TAYLOR-JOY from certain angles? i heard around town that the TENNIS INSTRUCTOR is BRILLIANT, and INQUISITIVE, but also BLUNT, and PECULIAR. people say that they remind them of PURPLE WINE STAINS ON HER LIPS, A RECORD SCRATCH FOLLOWED BY “YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING HOW I GOT HERE”, and A LAYER OF PET HAIR COVERING HER CLUTTERED SEASIDE HOME, and RIBS by LORDE is definitely their theme song. they seem like a nice enough person, but we all know how hard it is to keep a pristine reputation in a small town. ( lauryn / 22 / cst / she/her/hers )

b a c k g r o u n d —

[ ! ] TRIGGER WARNING : MINOR CHILD NEGLECT, FAMILIAL DEATH (GRANDMOTHER), SUBSTANCE ABUSE

 001. a kings haven native born into a rather large family in 1997. has two older sisters and more cousins than she could name. kelly was a highly inquisitive child who was very much in her own head for as far back as anyone can remember. she was bright, thoughtful, and often left to her own devices as her family was not incredibly nurturing.

 002. both her parents and her sisters were all much like she was in the way that they were content doing their own thing. there was a strong emphasis on individuality in their family that led each of the sisters down different paths. though the family would convene at appropriate times, it was a rather bizarre way to grow up. there were no family game nights or sit down dinners at the table. the sisters didn’t often seek each other out unless they needed something from each other. the only real time the family would spend together was out on the water. they all loved to boat and would often be seen out on their boat whenever the weather was nice.

 003. this way of growing up led kelly to be independent from a young age. her parents would aid in her learning and care, but they would encourage her to find her own likes and dislikes, hobbies and extracurriculars, rather than suggest them at random to her. there was a peculiar awareness that kelly possessed from a young age that led her to be comfortable with her own presence. she would judge her parents’ behaviors and mannerisms, and deduced that they were simply eccentric people who loved each other deeply and were devoted to an atypical parenting style. so, kelly left them to it and learned to entertain herself.

 004. in her youth, kelly cycled through hobbies and activities. she had a natural talent for anything involving intellect or strategy. physical activities, however, challenged her. she had always been a petite girl with little coordination and athleticism; because of this, she had to work hard to become good at things like sports. both intellectual and physical hobbies had their benefits, and kelly began collecting interests. sometimes, she would dive entirely into something and master it quickly, then leave it behind forever. other times, like with chess and tennis, kelly would keep them around on the front lines for when her other fleeting hobbies bored her.

 005. kelly was viewed by others as strange in her adolescence. she was quiet around most people, and a bit standoffish. she had a strong presence and possessed no worries when interacting with others, though they were usually skeptical of her mannerisms. kelly was always the first in the class to hand in her test and never got in any trouble. she would only speak when she wanted to know something or felt definitively that something was worth saying. kelly did have a couple close friends, but she was more worried about her own little world than the one around her.

 006. as time went on, kelly matured in her thinking and awareness; she grew to understand her desires more. despite having an abnormal upbringing and personality, kelly grew to be fairly average as teenage girls go. she was intellectually gifted, yes, but she had crushes and uncertainties and even the occasional tantrum. 

 007. she integrated into society with a sureness in herself that came from self exploration at an early age, but she felt as though she still had much to learn. kelly sought a stability that her home life didn’t provide, and attempted to bring about this security on her own. perhaps a routine? the big issue here is that kelly’s nature was to bounce around from thing to thing. she loved to try and discover new things. she was a wild card who always had something going on. 

 008. when it came time to figure out what she wanted to do with her life, this became a big issue. she had a perfect gpa and plenty of extracurriculars on her record. recommendations were certainly no issue as every adult loved kelly’s quiet, insightful nature. her performance on the school’s tennis team was scholarship worthy. any college would be lucky to have her! if only any of her many hyperfixations had stuck.

 009. in an attempt to avoid her indecision, kelly decided she would take a gap year after she graduated from high school. when her grandmother got sick, kelly devoted her time to taking care of her. she moved in with her and learned a lot in the year it took before her grandma passed. grandma acosta was a strong woman with endless insight. since kelly had to spend large amounts of time with her on account of tending to her needs, she grew very comfortable with her. kelly’s guard was let down around her. to this day, kelly credits her grandma with shaping much of who she is an adult, all in the span of that one year. her grandma also led to her to dig into her father’s side of the family’s argentine roots. in their downtime, kelly’s grandmother would teach her spanish and hand over secret family recipes.

 010. to her surprise, grandma had left kelly with a moderate inheritance and that quaint little beach house that they had resided in together. kelly left much of the house the same, though she did soon begin filling it with animals. this house would act as the setting to much of her growing up.

 011. kelly really grew into herself around the age of 21. she became more bold and sociable. kelly had always been fearless, but she had a new confidence that attracted others. that gap year eventually turned into avoiding college as a whole, though she did consistently keep a job as an in-home dog trainer from ages 19-22. she had no certifications, but she produced great results and offered more modest pricing than those who had proper certifications. at the age of 22, kelly ended up taking a job as a tennis instructor and has stuck with this for three years now. she was able to invest her inheritance in a way that freed her up quite a lot for her hobbies.

 012. while working as a tennis instructor, kelly has collected a few comptia certifications (a+, network+, security+) and took to learning different coding languages, as well. she has an interest in cyber security and has tried her hand at hacking. she has grown to view this as a career she could be happy with if she ever finds herself needing more consistent work. as of now, she isn’t ready to commit to a full time job.

 013. kelly’s rebellious streak came a little late in life. curious about their effects, kelly cycled through various drugs and would often document her experiences through journals or painting. drug use is one habit that kelly has yet to break, though she doesn’t flit from the habitual use of one drug to the next anymore. she’s a bit more predictable now, sticking to nicotine, alcohol, anti-anxiety medication, and marijuana. occasionally, she will branch out if she’s at the club or in the presence of her rowdier friends. she is aware of her substance abuse issues but her know-it-all nature leads her to believe she knows how to “do it right” in order to avoid seriously harming herself. some nights, though, she takes it a little too far when she’s sick of her analytical thinking and feeling in control.

 014. meet kelly now… she’s a certified train wreck who wakes up on the loveseat most days half-dressed. she is slowly becoming dissatisfied with her life as she is running out of things to fill her time with, and new experiences just aren’t as exciting now that her brain is more developed and her emotions are a bit more stable. adulthood isn’t exactly becoming of her; she finds no comfort in the semblance of stability (the thing that she once desired the most) that she has built for herself. she hides her substance abuse and mental turmoil well. she would never let someone see a thing that she didn’t want them to see (except when she’s intoxicated… she’s a lot more human when she’s off her face).

[ ! ] TLDR : super gifted mensa IQ kid who had an typical childhood. she has a billion hobbies but her fickle nature led to her not knowing what she wanted to do with her life. so, she did drugs instead and is now wondering what happened to her adolescence. not a good adult but a very good time! she has many interests and is fairly sociable, so she’s an easy person to get along with

p e r s o n a l i t y —

 001. kelly is curious and analytical, to a fault. it’s consuming and second nature to her at this point. as a result, she loves to try new things and will go out of her way to do so. she is incredibly capable, but also an irresponsible train wreck. kelly is both stubborn and open-minded. she is somewhat of a know-it-all, but if you present her with proof of something, her mind will change without much challenge. despite a slight unreadiness to show it, kelly is incredibly empathetic. she credits her empathetic nature to her intelligence; she is able to infer based on mannerisms how others feel and relate that back to her own experiences with such feelings. her awareness of herself and others is high, much to her own detriment.

 002. many people think kelly is strange; she certainly can come off the wrong way and her lack of a filter can be off-putting. she simply isn’t afraid whatsoever to speak her mind and often won’t censor herself around people. if she wants to say something, she will. kelly is definitely a mastermind type, able to manipulate situations if she pleases and able to analyze many solutions to a problem. there is certainly no lack of motivation and energy with her. kelly was quiet as a child and can still be quite soft spoken. however, she has a strong presence and speaks with that strength, only speaking when there is something definitively worth saying.

 003. kelly is secretly a hopeless romantic. she has never had anything more than a fling with a tourist, and has watched as those around her fell in love. she wants to have a youthful whirlwind romance and subconsciously assigns meaning and connection to pretty much every interaction of hers but she’d never let you know that. she can come off as flirty, but that’s mostly from her bold and straightforward nature. kelly can be a lot to be around, but not necessarily in an unpleasant way (depending on who you are). she is a very hardworking person who will practice and practice something if she isn’t naturally good at it.

about. statistics. headcanons. connections.

[x-lovely]

11/24 & 11/25

went on a “date.”

TLDR: date with a dumbass who had many red flags (bad breath, lied about age, cocky, arrogant) so not interested in him anymore

he was 6′2, paki, glasses, looked charming, honda civic, “director” of the hospital, great smile. his profile said he was 29. 

we met up and just chatted. the amount of arrogance and cockiness threw me off immediately. he was down for marriage and children in the long run, laid down his plans for his future wife and what he wanted. i was just vibing. 

eventually, i got into his car and we talked some more. i eventually asked to hold his hand (consented). nothing much happened. we just teased each other verbally through dirty talking. i was mainly quiet. i hated his energy. he made me feel weird and i couldn’t breathe. it’s weird. i wanted to be there but at the same time, i didn’t want to be there. he just kept questioning everything and had weird responses to what i said and his facial expressions were throwing me off. he made me feel on the edge, like i was walking on thin ice. it reminded me of my korean ex from 2019 who emotionally abused me. anyways - 

eventually, things got heated and i asked him to kiss me (consented). sweet jesus, when i say... his breath smells like ass.... it smelled like ASS. it smelled so fucking bad i wanted to fucking vomit. he had the nerve to throw in some tongue. i had to back away. he leaned in for more but i played it off. his breath smelled so fucking bad. he had black coffee and vaped something before we kissed. my energy was not there anymore. bad breath is something that turns me off so easily. 

we talked some more. eventually, i wanted to go home. we got out of the car, he towered over me and leaned in for a kiss (jesus fucking christ, his breath still smelled horrible). gave him a quick peck and left. 

i was incredibly horny the morning after so i would still rate the “date” a 5/10. 

11/25

went to eat kpot with him. sat in the car again. he was on his phone. kept saying weird dumb shit and comments about my responses. said ni hao. i don’t like that shit. i’m asian, sure but don’t say ni hao. he was confused why i got mad. he called shows like greys anatomy and game of thrones dumb. gave me a half ass hug. lmao ok. we went in to kpot, i did all of the cooking (he had said prior that he usually does it, but idc). he asked me my salary. asked about my personal relationship with my sister. uh, not really any of your business yet. he paid the bill. i had offered twice to split or cover tip. thank you for that. I OFFERED HIM A MINT AND HE DIDN’T TAKE IT. eventually, i said i felt awkward and tense with him and once again, he questioned it and said i need to figure out what it is or else it won’t work (something along those lines). then he had the nerve to say “if you didn’t read the first line of my bio, i’m actually 24″ i’m like HUH? IT SAID 29. HOW CAN YOU LIE AND SAY 24. Then he was being defensive saying is age really a problem? i’m like, uh it’s not but like if i filtered my searches for someone older, then i kinda fucking expected someone older than me. either way, he gave me a kiss goodbye (his breath didn’t smell, thank god) and i went home. 

i would rate that date a 3/10. the texts are also hella dry. 

red flags: his BREATH, his personality and his lies? he would say one thing and then it turns out to be something completely different. he sounded so cocky i hated it. “i work when i want. i work 100+ hours. i drive a lambo, jk shows up in a honda civic. i work more than you. i make more money than you. i love myself so much.” LMAOOOOOOO okay eventually, i realized he was ugly as fuck and looked like a character from the veggie tales. and he was like “there goes your awkward laugh again” well maybe because you make me feel awkward

after meeting him, i realized something. i do not know about marriage, i do not know about children, i like to be independent, his breath smells like fucking ass, i smelled fucking great and i knew it, and it was soooooooooo not worth it. in the long run, we will not work out and i’m glad it will not. he poked at my insecurities and was super sarcastic. not interested. good luck to him with everything! 

anyways - back to grey’s anatomy & cuddling with my teddy bear <3

[l0st-h0p3]

The second I turned 25 I finally puked my whole world up.

And you expect after everything I can just hold on and be tough?

Frankly, I’ve had enough

I’m sick of the games

The lying

The twisting of words and constant feeling of shame

You ask why I sit here, why I function the way I do

And I could sit back and hit my smoke and quickly say “well family, it was truly all a product of you”.

Could you maybe take the fucking hint?

All the endless clues?

The drugs, the sex, the recklessness the anger all leading me askew.

You don’t sit there and ever wonder “hey maybe that was something I put her through?”

You don’t seem to stop and think unless it’s for you’re own image or gain

You can sit there lost in the television every night not knowing all of my true pain

I sit above you as you ponder below

Fighting the endless demons you’ve caused me to bestow

It’s not all you

I’d be stupid if I say that’s true

I know what I’ve put myself through

I’m not saying your all my reasons but you are the many more than a few

Not one

Not two

All three of you

Everyone close to me has left and everyday I fear there will be more

The ones I truly could confide in, let my walls down and adore

I don’t think you realize what it’s truly like walking around this life feeling like you’re a worn out soul

Something everybody wants when the time is right

But when I finally show my fright

Everybody wanders off into the darkness of the night

You ask why I’m frigid

Why I’m cold and meek

I fear that it’s that I have too many secrets to keep

And not enough words to speak

I thought of truly saying goodbye is different for all of each one

My father I don’t care goodbye and if you go where you truly deserve have fun

My sister I don’t know where we stand all I know is right now I can no longer take your hand

My mother that’s the hardest one if I’m honest

Because you didn’t chose to become a damaged woman who was once filled with such promise

You overcame the biggest battles of your life

Almost being murdered, pissing off your parents and paying for your own school, stage 2 cancer but when you became a wife

I think that’s where it all went wrong

You tell me when I speak to the man I love I’m caught up in his smooth tone and song

But I think if anything I learned what not to be

For the fear that that never ending painful love is what will become of me

You ask me the root cause of why I didn’t wish to be a mother?

It’s because seeing the way you two were drove me mad like no other

The way you both don’t communicate properly, the dismissiveness, the disrespect

To witness that my whole life drove me to believe true love is when you’re treated with little to no respect

You might’ve made your first born cold, distant and mean

But I have still managed to come out warm, open and sweet

It baffles me how someone who claims to have so much life experience can just be so negative, so quick to judge & so persistent

So again you ask why I’m so distant?

When I try to talk to you all

I’m continually running into the same wall

Of endless disappointment, betrayal and rage

So yes yes I did in matter of fact put my tainted little heart in a cage

I’m trying to protect what remains

And I don’t see in what’s wrong in trying to let my heart learn how to heal from all the pain

You say you know me

You say you know my passions, goals and ideal future

But what if I told you that’s you being the typical American consumer?

I don’t want white picket fences and big houses

I don’t want a city life, nice cars or to make hundreds of thousands

I know as parents you want the best for your kids

But believe me when I tell you this

After everything I’ve gone through, seen and had to do

I never once didn’t stop and think of how it would effect all of you

Yet I now have found the life I seriously deserve

The one I truly love and this love I will do anything to protect and preserve

I can’t tell you where this road will lead

if theres one thing for sure

Im ready for the ride and I’ll take it in strides

But I finally found the hand I’ve been so endlessly searching for

And I guess I’m here to let you know:

I am absolutely never ever ever letting it go <3