#i mean i've tried googling for actual advice but for some reason ''how to make friends as a chronically online socially stunted

[aeolids-zenith]

i hate posts that are supposed to be positivity for people who lack friends or that say that social connections are like unexpectedly inevitable/straightforward to make or something, but then like. don't elaborate on how that is possible. it always just makes me feel more hopeless

[multiplicity-positivity]

advice ask-

TL;DR: how does one deal with a persecutor who is also quite young?

i dont mean deal with as in lock away, or anything of the sort, i genuinely really want to help them. one of our headmates, an ex-persecutor until very very recently, has been falling back to a lot of really bad old habits due to some things that happened

they're also getting? younger?? for some reason?? they were 19 when this started, they're 15 last i saw, which has never been near their age range

i just feel so bad cause i can see and feel how damn much they're hurting, they fronted for less than an hour earlier and the body had a headache for several hours afterwards because of how much stress and negativity they're holding on to

i know a lot of people say the first step is communicating, helping them figure out what's wrong and how to deal with it, but they won't listen or talk about it. several of us have tried talking with them and trying to help, but every time they either leave or completely disengage, and despite repeated efforts they refuse to talk to our therapist

they're trying so hard, and i dont think they even want to be hurting us based on some of the things i've picked up, but they just can't help it

what is there, if anything, that we could do to help them? for our own safety, and primarily theirs, i just want to make some progress towards helping them resolve everything

🪐🏢 (emojis so i can be on anon but process the ask as mine if i see it)

Hi! We’re going to link to you a couple asks we’ve answered in the past with advice for dealing with persecutors. Please note that the second post has a trigger warning for mentions of suicide and sexual assault!

Hopefully the advice listed in those posts can help you!

And some advice specific to y’all’s situation might be just kindness, kindness, kindness. Have patience with them when they lash out. Remind them that you’ll always be there, willing to provide a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Don’t judge them too harshly when they make a mistake. Don’t force them to engage with anyone inside or outside your system that they don’t want to. It may take y’all a while to adjust to these behaviors, but it will be well worth it in the long run for making this persecutor feel more secure and loved by all of you!

Perhaps buy a notebook or set up a note/Google doc/Word document for this headmate which can be a space just for them, no one else. Allowing them to have their own private space to vent, get their thoughts out, and express themself might help them feel better about themself and their circumstances overall. Our persecutors each have their own journal and their own sideblog here on Tumblr which they can use however they wish. After we reached a point where more of our alters could trust our therapist, one of our persecutors has actually brought their journal to therapy and talked to our therapist about what’s been bothering them.

If you do provide a journal or set up a sideblog for your persecutor, please respect their boundaries and try to avoid looking at it! We know this can be difficult when the whole system shares a body, device, etc. But making an effort to respect this persecutor’s privacy can go a long ways in helping them feel safe and secure.

Ultimately, it will be up to them to decide for themself to make positive decisions and strive for positive change. But offering to be there for them, to support and uplift them while respecting them and giving them space when they need it, all of this could help them reach a point where they’re able to change for the better!

We’re wishing your whole system the very best of luck with this, and we will keep your dear persecutor in our thoughts! We really do hope that y’all can find peace, understanding, and comfort in your future, and that soon this persecutor can feel heard, respected, and taken care of. Thank you so very much for doing your best to take care of your headmate - your efforts aren’t going unnoticed!! Again, good luck with everything, and thanks for reaching out!

🌷 Corrie and 💚 Ralsei

[biscaanii]

I wanted to start off by saying, I love your work. I finished Achilles Come Down months ago and can’t stop re-reading.

I know this is probably a silly question to ask but how did you learn how to write so well? You’re writing so beautiful and I would love any tips. ( If you would like to share of course)

Thank you

Hi! Aw, thank you. Im glad you like it :)

Short answer: write and read a lot. Like a loooot.

Long answer: I grew up reading as a kid to the point my mom would unscrew the lightbulb in my closet because she'd catch me reading late at night in it. It was my main hobby, so I learned a lot of literary basics really young just by the principle of seeing them in action a lot. I discovered fanon spaces around 6th grade, which was when I started to write actual stories, so what you're looking at is pretty much the process of 11 years of experience.

The best advice I can give you is just write. Put down any idea you want to see regardless of if it's long or short. I learned because I did, you know? The main reason I was able to finish Achilles when I was 18 was because the year prior during lockdown, I'd tried writing a 100k long fic for the first time that to this day is still a fucking mess. It was a forever failure, yeah, but it also taught me all the skills I needed to actually finish my next long fic- Achilles. (And Redemption).

In my opinion, getting really good at writing is really just getting good at understanding your specific quirks. Off the top of my head example, but I write in present tense pretty much exclusively, because it's the same as my natural flow of thought. Trying to write in past participle or past present is difficult for me to do in large or quick quantities because it misaligns to how I'm thinking in the moment. Figure out what kind of language you like to use- prose? Quick and to the point? Some weird in between? Do you like to over-use dialogue tags? Under-use them? What do you like to write about? Who do you like to write about? Are you exploring a character's emotional arc, a physical arc, something else? These types of question are what will guide your story because they're the foundation of why and how your story is happening, and through what means it will happen. Are you writing a romance or a thriller? What will give the reader a better picture, the internal thoughts of a character or the external imagery of their enviornment/actions? What's most important to the story's resolution? To the character's resolution? What will make this story satisfying? How can you tie all your plotlines together to reach a consistent and sensible conclusion?

And most importantly, what do you specifically want to get out of your writing? If you're only writing so others can validate your work, it'll be more difficult to continue writing if you've got low engagement. Also, cringe is dead. It's stupid to feel self-concious about anything you're writing, because that feeling will hold you back. Write whatever ideas you want because you want to see them, not necessarily because others will read it and judge you. It's not like you ever have to show it to anyone.

I write what I want, when I want, and how I want it. It's 100% self-indulgent and because of that, I'm writing mainly to read it back to myself, which makes it fun because I'm getting exactly what I want to see out of the story both as it forms and then once it's put to paper. I'm also a total anomaly though because my only hobby is writing, so my weekends are pretty much spent sat on google docs from like, morning until midnight. The fact that I've churned out three long fics so quickly is an outlier and should not be counted because im a gremlin with nothing else to do.

[greyeyedmonster-18]

Hi Grey.

If you ever have the time I would really like ti hear more about your writingprogress.

Like. How do you come up with your ideas? Do you do a outline? Where and when do you write? Are you finishing all your stories before posting them? Do you fact check things? How long time does it normally take for you to finish a story? Have you ever regretting posting a story? Why do you write? Do you have a beta?

Youre one of my favorite authors here and I’m really just curious of the mind and work behind the story’s that I’ve spent so much time with.

weeping. I'm one of your favorites???? what the hell??? thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for being so nice. that just made my day.

i am going to put the answers to all those things below a cut to not spam my dash with a long post. but also, i shouldn't give writing advice ever and while i appreciate you asking your questions, everything with a grain of salt. because...i know absolutely nothing and this is just what I do. (and also, im an affectionate idiot so <3)

How do you come up with your ideas?

often my ideas start with a very very specific image in my mind, and then i go from there. sometimes they happen while im listening to a song (for example, FFTF happened because I was listening to Since We're Alone by Niall Horan and there's a line in there that says Why would you want to be someone else? I love you best when you're just yourself and an entire wolfstar narrative exploded, but i had to figure out how Sirius would be guarded in this particular way and....here we are) or sometimes when im on a walk or driving. also, as a total cop out, i write romance-- i get ideas from making foolish scenarios in my mind where people should fall in love and I'll never have a shortage of those.

Do you do an outline?

No! I don't. Once I have the idea, i usually start by writing the specific scene that came to me first (so for ten reasons, i wrote the voicemail scene first. i heard remus's voicemail in my mind so loud and clear and wrote it out) and i go from there. this is for my own unpacking but i almost always can see how things end in my mind before they begin (lol, isn't that a fucking metaphor; for a fun personal fact, I've always said since i was like...very little that i wasn't planning on living past 33, which is horrifying to hear out of a ten year olds mouth, but like...i still think its true). for almost all my fics, i wrote the ending first and then wrote around it. never chronologically. just everything that i want to happen and then i put it in some sort of order (i wish i could show you my doc for tight ends right now). and then i make them lead into one another.

I DO. however, do an obligatory chapter count. and i mean, so arbitrary, with no thoughts applied to it. NMTW i literally said 14 chapters, and stuck to it. this is the only structure i give myself when i write. and its my job as a writer to make sure i fit in there.

i do the same when im writing tumblr series. so like fault lines got SIX, chosen at random, and six it was. it was my job to tell that story in six parts. no more no less. (this is admittedly weird, i understand most writers dont work this way, but this actually helps me immensely. the only time i deviated was with FFTF when i added more chapters because the chapters i did have ended up being like TOO LONG in my eyes for a chapter, so i broke them up).

but also--i know other authors who DO outline and its helpful for them!! Find what works for you!!! I tried to outline once and the fic never left my drafts.

Where and when do you write?

To quote Shakira, "Whenever, Wherever"

I write a lot in parking lots on my phone. a lot of my tumblr drabbles are written on my phone and in a parking lot, ten reasons and tight ends were both started in parking lots.

otherwise on my desktop! in google docs! or if its smut, in a word doc! i write the best early in the morning or super late at night when i should be sleeping. I write when i can! Usually at my desk, or i'lll bring my laptop over and write while my kid is playing video games or we're watching something on tv. sometimes i write in the middle of my work day when i have a second in my office (this is also very quick and very on my phone). i just wrote smut at a nail salon. whenever, wherever.

Are you finishing all your stories before posting them?

yes. head to toe, top to bottom, signed sealed delivered. the stories are written before i post. this works better for me! i need to see the whole thing finished!! it also makes it very fun for me when readers are commenting and are like...in anguish, and im there like "tee hee, i know what happens next".

tumblr drabbles no. i pants those. fault lines, mercy, the pact (is part four written? nah but its started and i have no idea where its going to go!!!), the best worst thing to have ever happened-- PANTSTED. sat and written flat into the tumblr post machine. no outline, no plan, just feelings and vibes. (and yes this means that the end of fault lines was a pants decision and im very sorry it ruined everyone, whoops).

this again varies from author to author! most of my writer friends write as they go because they like to be align with the readers! or they work better chronologically and will just write and post and write and post, but again, this is something personal! do what works best for you!

Do you fact check things?

Lol sometimes? I probably should more often, tbh. I do a lot of geography fact checking because i couldn't map my way out of a paper bag, but otherwise, not...really. But also, my fics dont tend to have a lot of....information in them that needs a fact check. People are just falling in love. also, not to flex, but i have a big brain that stores a bunch of useless information and remembers a lot of things, so if i write something i usually believe myself (writing tight ends right now and putting my football knowledge to good use and there's been a few times I've been like "...hmmm" and referenced google and WE WERE RIGHT! so i mostly just trust my brain.)

Writing NMTW was also challenging because i had to reference SOURCE MATERIAL to see if there was a designated teacher for x subject, or when exactly school breaks were etc etc. but that said, i did not care about being accurate with full moons or course timestables or hogsmeade visits or anything like that. we...simply do not care. (this obviously does not apply to things that very much need fact checking such as if i were to write a medical procedure or something relating to disability or race/ethnicity/languages spoken; obviously do your homework for that.)

How long a time does it normally take you to finish a story?

Cop out-- it depends! Sometimes less than a week. (The pact is short, will be done by tomorrow most likely). I wrote ten reasons in four days. it took me 3 months to write an alleged wip though. it just....depends on my time and my schedule.

Have you ever regretted posting a story?

Sometimes! There was a moment when i was fresh on AO3 (pre-tumblr) where i got a few really nasty comments and it made me regret posting the story at all and made me regret joining AO3, and made me regret thinking my fics could be a thing or that my writing was worth sharing etc. I know I give FFTF a hard time because they're....out of pocket, but there are parts of that fic i really really like, and it seems to connect with a lot of people, so i can't have regrets about that.

i have deleted a few one shots off my AO3 though, because i decided they didn't need to be shared, but i wouldn't necessarily call that regret. just...re-evaluation.

Do you have a beta?

No. I do have one trusted person though who i send things to before i release them into the public, not as a beta but as.....a litmus test (to see how the fic reads but also for me and how i feel about sharing it in the first place; I've done it before with this person where they got something and then WEEKS later tumblr got it. Sometimes months.). I 10/10 recommend doing this. and i feel so so so so so so lucky that i found someone like that here and they tolerate my existence. but pre-tumblr, it was just me myself and i doing the thing. and also it took some time before i even trusted this person (did i mention im paranoid? and private?) to get my work because you can't take it back. and what if it didn't need to be shared? there are a few things this person has gotten that i havent and will never post. but like...im so fortunate to have that. you know?

I...am way too chaotic for a beta. and also have a very particular way i edit my stuff (because ND) and adding another person into the flow of that can get confusing. Too many cooks, you know?

Why do you write?

i saved this one for the end because my heart.

i think i've said before that like...a lot of my time as a child and a teenager and young adult in spaces was spent believing that i was a bad writer because neurodivergent and i don't understand mechanics of grammar or...words or...write in a way you're supposed to (outlines for example). and spent a lot of time giving my ideas to other people who i thought were GOOD writers.

but i...am a creative person. and sometime in 2019, i hit the biggest artist block of my life where i literally didn't draw or paint for a year. and picked up writing instead.

poetry, and then it evolved into romance, which i...turned into fic and here i am. and ultimately, i write because i like to. because its creative and it makes my brain happy when a sentence just hits, you know? because i believe in love and want to see more queer love stories and if i...can do the thing, i should, right?

i write because i...realized that i had stories in my head that needed places to go that i couldn't express visually through my artwork. also, ive mentioned it here before, that i am...young and have experienced an absurd amount of death and loss in my life (personally and professionally). and...well, i write a lot of fics about grief for that reason. i don't think i could ever run out of words for this (and have also published ACTUALLY on grief, both creatively and academically), and sometimes i write to like...sit with those feelings for a bit.

i...also think i write because i am a soft human in a very hard world in a hard career path who experiences things deeply and these things and observations need places to go. i cant carry them around all day, that's too heavy and my hands aren't big enough.

so i make art. and i dance. and i play music.

and i write.

i hope any of this is helpful. and if you get the courage to come off anon, i am more than happy to talk with you in DMS about processes or answer any more questions <3

[westiec]

June 17: Chengxian 💜🖤💕

childhood friends to lovers/QPPs, ace Jiang Cheng, bi & aro Wei Wuxian, modern AU

(A/N: If you're wondering about a certain other someone, he will have a wonderful, full life of his own in Suzhou in this AU but is not in this story. 💙 There are some brief mentions of offscreen ace-antagonism, not by anyone we know.)

Read on ao3

Jiang Cheng had been Wei Ying's best friend in the whole world for his entire life.

Okay. Well, not quite his entire life, but certainly since Wei Ying’s parents moved to California when he was little little, which was about as far back as Wei Ying could remember anyway. Wei Ying’s baba and Jiang Cheng’s baba had grown up in Wuhan together and been best friends when they were kids, so naturally, when Wei Ying’s family moved into the same neighborhood as the Jiangs, it made perfect sense for Wei Ying and Jiang Cheng to become best friends too.

It was Jiang Cheng who had taught Wei Ying that he didn't have to be afraid of dogs, by introducing him to Princess, Jasmine, and Lil' Love. Lil' Love lived up to her name, coming and quietly sitting in all her fluffy glory on Wei Ying’s lap every time he went over to play.

It was also Jiang Cheng who Wei Ying got drunk with for the first time. They snuck booze from the cabinet where Wei Ying’s parents kept it and laughed at the faces each other made with every shot until they stopped tasting the harsh burn, and then laughing more just because.

(Wei Ying’s mom had not laughed, not at the time, when the two teens had been sick as anything the next morning, but instead made them a gloriously greasy late breakfast and gave them lots of advice about proper hydration.

Then she told Jiang Cheng’s mom and let her scold them.)

It was Jiang Cheng who came out first, their first semester in college, when he told Wei Ying he didn't think he wanted to have sex with anyone, ever, and asked if Wei Ying thought that meant no one would ever want to date him. Wei Ying hugged him tight and told him he didn't know about everyone out there, but he knew Jiang Cheng was the best guy in the world and would be an awesome boyfriend, and he'd fight anyone who said differently.

Jiang Cheng found a group on campus for third culture LBGT kids, and Wei Ying went with him, as a supportive ally.

Which was how Wei Ying figured out that he was not just a supportive ally.

In listening to the others talk about orientation and identity and attraction and cultural expectations, Wei Ying realized that what he'd always assumed was normal—finding all kinds of people physically attractive, regardless of their gender—was actually his bisexuality. So that was kind of cool.

"So yeah, now we can be queer together!" Wei Ying said, when he excitedly shared his newfound realization with Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng snorted. "Yeah, 'all' and 'nothing,'" he joked.

It was Jiang Cheng who'd helped him practice what to say to his parents when he wanted to change his major at the end of sophomore year, and Jiang Cheng who reminded him to eat and sleep and "take a fucking break, Wei Ying," those next couple semesters when he took way too many hours so he wouldn't have to rack up a whole extra year's worth of student loans to finish his new degree plan.

It was Jiang Cheng who graduated first, on a gorgeous blue-skyed sunny day in May, and Jiang Cheng who suggested Wei Ying keep living with him at his new apartment, so he wouldn't have to try to find a one-semester lease until he finished in December.

(They renewed the lease together every time.)

Jiang Cheng ribbed him playfully each time Wei Ying met someone new, but he was always there each times things fizzled out after a few months for reasons that never quite made sense to Wei Ying.

Jiang Cheng occasionally dated too, and Wei Ying was glad he never did have to fight anybody—though he did drive Jiang Cheng to the emergency room the time he came home with split knuckles from punching a guy who, "seemed to think I didn't know my own mind about certain things."

But dating sucked for everybody, right? It wasn't like Wei Ying or Jiang Cheng were in any hurry to settle down and do the whole spouse and kids thing or whatever. Wei Ying tried to imagine it and just... couldn't, though the image of Jiang Cheng with a baby was admittedly pretty cute.

~

It was not Jiang Cheng, but Jiang Yanli, a few months after she proposed to her girlfriend and they started planning their wedding, who Wei Ying finally asked, "Yanli-jie, how does a person decide someone else is their person?"

Jiang Yanli looked across the room to where Jiang Cheng was showing her soon-to-be-wife how to put side spin on a billiards ball and smiled. "I think you just know," she said. "You meet someone and you get to know them, spend time together, then one day you realize you love them and want to build the rest of your life with them."

Wei Ying wrinkled his nose. "I dunno if it works that way for me. Just some random person? I've never met anyone I can imagine wanting to live with all the time. Well, besides—huh..." he cut off suddenly and darted a look over at Jiang Yanli, who just calmly sipped her drink.

"Have you ever told him that?" she asked, after a moment where Wei Ying reassessed his entire life and dating history. "I think he might appreciate hearing it."

"I... huh. Yanli-jie, you're kinda blowing my mind here," he complained.

"I gathered," she said wryly, before fixing him with a smile that made all the hair on the back of his neck stand up. "Of course, I trust," she told him, "that I do not need to explain to you of all people how very dearly I hold my didi's happiness and well-being."

He swallowed and raised three fingers in the salute he'd used ever since the summer that—hah—he and Jiang Cheng had decided as kids that they would make their own oath of brotherhood like the heroes of their favorite show. "I, Wei Ying, swear to you that I would kick my own ass before I did anything to hurt him."

Jiang Yanli leaned over to knock her shoulder against his and nodded. "That's what I thought."

~

Turned out, dating Jiang Cheng didn't suck at all.

It felt easy in a way Wei Ying’s past dates never had, less like trying to keep up with a game whose rules everybody knew except him, more like... well, like spending time with his best friend in the whole world, but on purpose. There was also a tension in the back of Wei Ying’s mind that seemed to have lifted, though he couldn't quite pinpoint what it was that had gone.

It was Jiang Cheng who helped him figure it out.

"I think it's that now I'm able to count on this. On us," he said, when Wei Ying brought it up. "Before, whenever you went out with someone new, I wondered if this would be the time you'd find someone to fall in love with and leave me behind."

"Aww, Chengcheng! I would never!"

Jiang Cheng huffed and rolled his eyes, but his cheeks were pink. "Well, I know that now," he said, a pleased little smile breaking through his attempts at a scowl.

"As long as you're sure—" Wei Ying began, still getting used to thinking about himself with the word "aromantic." Still a so very sure that Jiang Cheng deserved to be fallen in love with.

"Hey!" Jiang Cheng cut him off. "None of that. I know you. And I know you don't see it this way, but I personally think it's pretty damn romantic that you choose to love me, on purpose."

"I simply have exquisite taste in life partners," Wei Ying sniffed, embarassed the way he always got when Jiang Cheng declared something he'd done "romantic."

"You do," Jiang Cheng agreed. "Someone told me a long time ago I was the best guy in the world and would make an awesome boyfriend, and that he would fight anyone who said differently."

Wei Ying laughed. "That's you and your sister I've promised to kick my own ass if I ever break your heart, then. Guess I'll just have to keep you forever."

"Damn right, you will," Jiang Cheng agreed, grinning smug and happy and breathtakingly beautiful. Wei Ying leaned across the couch to give him a sweet, closed-mouth kiss—the kind Jiang Cheng had shyly admitted he actually did like, a lot—and smiled too, at how lucky he'd gotten to be with his best friend in the whole world for his entire life.

🖤💜

Today's (extremely long!) thread was inspired by this WONDERFUL art of ace Jiang Cheng and bi & aro Wei Ying! Go give Midori some love on Twitter!

I spent a nonzero amount of time googling to double check when various terms and flags came into vogue, so if you're wondering, WWX & JC were in college in the early 2000s, before the ace and aro flags were designed. By the time they get themselves figured out, they can get their cute wristbands.

...which, yes, means these dingdongs spent about a solid decade living together before realizing that was what they wanted to do forever. 😉

This also means Jiang Yanli and her unnamed wife here are getting married between when California started recognizing same-sex marriages in 2008 and the Obergefell v. Hodges ruling in 2015! THIS SHIT'S RECENT!!!

Happy Pride, thank you for reading, check out more LGBTQIA+ sweetness on my #PrideMonthSnippets Masterpost!

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[marias-studyblr]

Hello I'm sorry to ask that but how did you do to lose weight ? I've been feeling really down lately bc of my weight but also my body in general. I'm not in a "bad" health, like my weight is what we call "normal" but I'm not comfortable with it.. as my mood is bad I don't have motivation and that sucks... so if you could give me advices it would be really nice 😘 thanks a lot

Hello and I’m the one who’s so so so sorry for the delay on this answer! I hope you still read it and it’s worth the wait/read ❤️

I’m not a nutritionist or a doctor, so all the advice I’m going to give you is born from experience of literal years of trying and trying to lose weight non stop. :)

This is indeed a studyblr account. But this issue is too important and close to my heart to not discuss, and also this health issue of mine has impacted my grades and my school life. Not to mention the damage to my overall happiness and self-confidence, as you explained in your question. 

If this was a simple how do you lose weight question I would say it’s simple, because everyone knows it - eat better and exercise frequently. However, this feels to me like a confidence/body issues question, and I’m going to be very thorough about it because it gets a lot more complex when you’re uncomfortable with your body. 

I think it’s important to answer this question well and I’m going to do my best. this is gonna be >>>

🌼  I N T R O

I completely understand the feeling of being uncomfortable with your body. The feeling of being comfortable with yourself is more complicated and worrisome than it may appear on a superficial level.

I didn’t grow up feeling comfortable with my body, I remember since 5th grade having my family, my swimming lesson’s teacher, classmates telling me my belly was big and “I looked like I was pregnant”. Without realizing, I became really uncomfortable with that area of my body,

and now, I consider it a beautiful strong part of my body, I don’t worry about sucking it in or hiding it and I don’t even mind when people touch it (idk if it makes sense but I hated it when people touched my belly and I tried to not breathe into my belly or make it bigger in any way). And I can really say this and mean it, which once I thought would be impossible.

🌼  I’ M   T H E   O N E   I   S H O U L D   L O V E

If we want to change for the better the way we feel - being at ease, in peace - we have to be the cause for that change. Nobody else. Not your crush, not your neighbor, not your parent.

The reason why I’m gaining health in a sustainable way is that in the core of all that is the work I did for my mental health that leaked into all areas of my life, including physical health and losing my unhealthy weight.

I had to go through a massive change of mindset and a bunch of realizations to start taking care of myself properly.

It’s so important to take care of yourself like you actually love yourself, like you actually matter, like you aren’t just a flop of meat hanging around just serving other people’s needs, dressing up for others, saying things to please others.

Breathing like you love yourself, walking, talking, working, eating, moving, exercising like you love yourself. Doing things for no other reason than to tend to your needs, while still maintaining a respect for others and for yourself. That feeling leaks to every single part of your life. And it makes everything start flourishing.

I worked and still work to have that feeling in a more persistent way but I remember when I realized I truly actually felt it in my bones and was starting to act accordingly, not too long ago, tears came to my eyes. I know it comes natural to many, but to me, it was never like that. And it’s so much easier to lose weight when you tend to that.

My first intuition is to serve others. I thought everyone was so much better than me when I was younger, I thought everyone was so cool, except for me. And it feels so great to know that we are all the same. No one is better or worse. No one has the right to belittle me. We are living lives in our own particular way and it’s ok to just… exist and be friends with people and not worry about pleasing everyone, and truly accepting your body figure how it is right now, and trust that you’ll get there somehow by building healthier, more productive habits in time.

Being more confident with the way you look and carrying yourself with grace is such a good feeling. And I want everyone to have that feeling, I want everyone to be healthy and strong. Because that feeling does impact your life in a positive way, even if it’s step by step. One step in the right direction at a time is exactly what we are looking for.

🌼  R E S T R I C T I V E     D I E T S

I’ve seen nutritionists give good advice and bad advice on losing weight to people who are self aware/conscious about their body. The bad advice I’ve seen is at the gyms my mom or my mom’s friends have stayed at. If people follow that 6 week restrictive diet plan, obviously they are going to lose weight… but at what cost? and to gain it all back again after? in my knowledge, most people don’t follow it, while paying for the consults and feeling guilty about the whole thing. It’s such an unhealthy experience in my point of view and if you’re trying to lose weight, it’s not something I recommend.

I love donuts and chocolate a lot for example, and I eat them and have eaten them while losing weight consistently. They are not some kind of poison you are guilty of enjoying once in a while. You are not different than any other healthy person. What I’ve figured out is that healthy people enjoy them too, but they just know how to do it.

It’s all about the quantity and eating smartly. You can still enjoy your favorite foods but in small quantities. I normally eat sweets after lunch and dinner, not between or at breakfast. For many reasons, but one of them is that way the small portions really satisfy me. I used to eat a lot of food but now I’m very mindful about the portions. If you could get one thing out of this answer is that PORTIONS ARE IMPORTANT. When I continue eating after I’m satisfied, it’s normally because I put a lot in my plate and I don’t want the food to go to waste. so now I pay mindful attention to that. And it has changed my life!!!1!1

anyways, I know those meal plans way too well, it’s all I heard when I was younger when I googled ‘weight loss tips’… i lost maximum 2 kgs in one and just gained it all back and more after giving up in the middle of it. And the reason why is not because I was weak or undisciplined, it’s because I couldn’t build habits with that kind of intention.

Also I hated to go out/my plans changed but I wouldn’t be able to eat anything because it wouldn’t be on my meal plan. I needed to build discipline to build habits and an intuition to know when I was full, not follow a stupid paper that doesn’t know anything about my body’s needs. We have to be able to act accordingly to our needs, not in fear of gaining weight.

My intention was just to lose some weight to look as skinny as someone else or to look good for other people :(dark thoughts… i know) and also as fast as possible. My intention was never health.

I still had to go through a lot of learning years to really get my intention right so then I could start building the habits that would allow me to lose weight.

**Habits always prevails**

Focus on building slowly the habits that will allow you to live a healthy life FOREVER, not just a 6 week plan. Think about the habits that are realistic enough but healthy enough to implement. Long term results is what you are looking for, trust me. Even if it takes longer to accomplish the same weight when you’re not hungry all the time, it’s teaching you how to eat in a normal way, which for me was very important, coming from a weird past of restricting/binging.

🌼 T E N D E R I N G   T O   Y O U   A S   A    W H O L E

The good advice I’ve heard from nutritionists includes a holistic approach.

Your whole body is interconnected. You can’t expect to change your weight as of right now in a sustained way without making serious changes to your mindset and lifestyle habits, because your weight is a reflection of your mindset and lifestyle habits, amongst other things.

Even though a 6-week plan might possibly give you a quick fix, it really doesn’t fix anything when you have body issues. Your mindset hasn’t changed, you still have the same habits. To me now it’s obvious why I experienced gain weight recurrences over and over again while following those stupid plans!

When you start considering your body as a whole, and not just the muscles, tendons and organs, but as a functional machine with needs and feelings, a lot of things start clicking and making sense.

Start thinking about the diet that allows your body to be given nutrients so your organs can function, a diet that gives your arteries a chance to breathe, an exercise routine that makes you feel good. Our intention should always be to make ourselves as healthy as possible. As strong, flexible, rich on the inside type of healthy. When we feel the healthiest, inside and out, we feel the happiest.

🌼 A B O U T    L O O K I N G    G O O D

I know to some it sounds superficial to worry about the way you look. It’s hard to grasp why we as human beings care so much about the concept of beauty. But it doesn’t have to be complicated. When I was still more unhealthy and unconfident, I felt it when I wore a new scarf, when my hair looked nice, when I had a cool pair of earrings… it can be from the smallest of things.

That feeling of confidence is not going to make you happy all of a sudden but I’m tired of hearing people underestimate the power boost and energy it can give you and downplaying it as superficial. I know there is a line where it crosses to vanity. But there is a middle ground between not taking care of yourself and vanity.

To a lot it comes naturally the process of hygiene, dressing your style, exercising, eating well. To others, it may not. I think confidence can be felt at any weight and appearance, but it’s a lot easier to feel confident when you know you are healthy and taking good care of yourself.

I’ve mentioned weight a lot, but know that health is always my number one priority and weight is just one tracker of your health. It’s an important tracker of your health, but it’s not decisive on whether you are healthy or not because it has to be very specific to your daily activities, your job, your height, your body type. And it’s not decisive on wether or not you should think as of yourself as good looking.

I think beauty and aesthetic, whatever that means to you, does play a role in our mental health. And I think only when we embrace that side of our human selves, without excess though, only then we can be truly confident and happy in our shoes.

🌼 W H E N   Y O U   F E E L   B A D

You can’t shame yourself into a healthy mindset/healthy habits. *say it for the people in the back!!* It has to come from a place of connect, self-respect and trust. Or you’ll just guilt yourself into worse habits.

When you have a “bad” day or a “bad” week, take responsibility in order to move forward. Be mindful of feeling guilty or like you’ve “ruined something”. Taking responsibility is different from feeling guilty. One helps you grow consciously and be better in the future, and the other doesn’t.

Every single day, every single week will not be perfect, but don’t let that week turn your habits around. Once again: habit always prevails. I see my habits as the foundations of my healthy lifestyle, as the foundations of a house. Wind doesn’t tear them down, just like a more unhealthy week doesn’t tear them down.  

The healthiest people I know don’t care when they have junk food for a meal, they just say “I’ll be more careful next week”. And they don’t even think twice about it. They move on. They accept it and move on.

If you practice it enough times, it becomes second nature.

🌼 B A L A N C E

I feel like when discussing the health of the body, one word that always comes up in mind is BALANCE.

Balancing out the body. I think we know what we need by intuition. We feel sick when we eat too much, we feel tired when we don’t eat enough. So a lot of my eating became guided by this inner intuition of what am I feeling. I’m always asking my body: “What do you need?”

Somedays I’m demotivated, tired, experiencing mood swings, I know I have to balance that negative energy with yoga, meditation, sleep, good food, hydration. I’m getting to know my body more and more as time goes by and a lot of my results come from that LISTENING. It’s listening yall!

And if sometimes you’re lost and you can’t figure out how to listen to what your body is saying, that’s what trackers are for. Do you need to insert a wider variety of nutrients in your diets? Do you need to improve your muscle mass? Are you underweight, are you overweight? What are the foods you eat the most and when are you eating? How many hours are you sleeping?

Don’t get overwhelmed with these questions though, they are useful to help you understand some feelings that you’re experiencing and help you get in the right direction, however, with practice, it becomes second nature to listen. 

🌼 D I S C I P L I N E

Another thing I would like to talk about is the role of discipline in a healthy body.

I think the word self-discipline in the diet or exercise context has a very bad connotation, like it’s a bad thing to be disciplined in your meals, or it’s a bad thing to be disciplined in your exercise regimen, because that means you will never eat ice cream again, you’ll always eat the same old boring things.

I know where that concept comes from, I’ve thought that myself, and I understand it. However, as of now, I see being disciplined around your eating habits as something very very good. It’s what has given me a lot of results, and it’s really simple, it’s setting a bunch of rules for yourself and following them. I’ve written more about self discipline, but in the case of eating, it depends on person to person.

There are things that I’m more flexible about and then things I’m really disciplined about. For example, I eat 3 times a day and at specific time stamps, and I’m strict about that. And what I mean by that is everyone has a different version when it comes to what, when and how they enjoy eating.

Discipline is not a bad thing because you can choose the things you want to be disciplined about. I enjoy donuts and chocolate.. so I eat them. I’m full after my meals so I’m disciplined to not eat until my next meal. I exercise everyday. Stuff like that. You get to choose what life you want to live through discipline and really think about your future. 

🌼 M Y   R U L E S

If you wanted me to say more specific things, like how much I eat in a day, or long I exercise for, I don’t believe those are actually important, because like I’ve said they are personal to each individual and each different needs and lifestyles, so I’ll just say my general guidelines:

walk everywhere. Walking is the most natural exercise and our body loves it a lot. it is highly beneficial. 

eat my daily servings of beans, vegetables, fruits, flaxseeds, nuts, whole grains. Start looking at food for more than just taste.

Do yoga once a day. 

be specific about your prefered meal times and stick with them. I enjoy eating breakfast, lunch and dinner. I drink water or tea in between but I don’t even think about eating between my meals because I’m so used to eating my meals at specific times. that helps a lot!

during your meals, eat until your satisfied! Don’t leave the table feeling hungry OR too full. Feel happy about eating your meal and appreciate the food in the table. It’s something precious and to cherish.

do other exercise frequently to build muscle and strength, so you can hold and carry yourself even when you get older.

🌼 F I N A L   C O N S I D E R A T I O N S

What I tried to explain is hard to put into words. It reminds me of all the moments I hid in the bathroom during PE, cried because of my appearance at night, was humiliated by insensitive people. And how getting through these memories and feelings can’t really be put into words because each person has to look inwards and find that in themselves.

Losing weight is not difficult for a lot of people but for me it always had other meaning behind it.

These moments can and will be replaced by self-confidence and good mental health in the present and future if you keep working on what is actually important - your health, your mental state, and your opinion about yourself. NOT pleasing others. NOT looking good in the mirror. NOT being at a certain number.

It has to come from a good place inside you if you want it to stay for good and actually make a good impact in your life.

It is a slow progress, but remember it’s NOT just to look good, it’s to live a happier life and your preferred lifestyle.

So answering your question: I lost weight by being conscious of my health. I was conscious that I was not healthy at that way, I was not strong, flexible, fast, at least not how I know I could be. I lost weight by striving to find balance, by listening to my body’s needs, by being disciplined on what I gave my stomach to digest, by stimulating my muscles and organs, and always keeping my own happiness as the end goal.

Because I’ve been doing it for a while now, it has become really simple and I eat healthier when I don’t overthink it. Don’t overthink it too much. It’s good to be mindful about it, but I feel better when it’s not constantly in my mind to the point it’s worrying me.

If you were looking for a quick easy way, this is not it my dear dear friend. the truth is you’ll need to work hard on yourself. However, just because it’s a long process, it doesn’t make it difficult. It’s fun to be healthy! It’s fun to exercise and do yoga. It’s fun to eat healthy and normal! We can all do it. You can do it. I can do it.

🌼 A    R E C O M M E N D A T I O N 

I always make this recommendation but let me do it again. One of the people who made a huge impact on my mental health and was a huge positive influence in my life was Adriene Mishler from Yoga with Adriene. I can’t even remember when I discovered her or how. I did her videos first on an off, and then things started getting more serious and now I’m literally practicing every single day with her for the past few months and I don’t ever want to stop. More than being a really beneficial physical practice for your internal organs, for your muscles and tissue, it’s a daily practice for my energy and happiness. It makes you reflect on the way you think about yourself and take care of yourself. When I’m frustrated I cry and find peace, when I’m happy I get even happier, when I’m busy and nervous, I find my cool and calm.

Her videos are the perfect accomplishment of body and mind connection and have helped me so much. So if you’re not already practicing with her, whenever you can, try one of her videos, 30 minutes go by so fast. She has practices for anxiety, stress melt, text neck, self-doubt, centering, finding stability, connection, creativity, for the future…all free in her yt channel. The more you practice, the more you’ll see real-life results and an energy and mindset that transfers to outside the mat. I really recommend it okay? okay. 

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. :)) I hope this helped in any way, please never feel embarrassed to send me questions about mental health/physical health. anything that I can help with, I will help and be open about!

as you can see I could write to you for 10 million light years and I would still worry about not getting my point across. okay now I’m really gonna go, sending lots of love to you 💕💕💕 I love you, stay well!

[allarrows]

hello,,,,, i'm also a turkish person out here in wild but i've come to realize that my english isn't good as yours. do you have any tips??????? i mean i read a lot and most of the time it's either philoshopical essays or articles abt government but i still talk and write like a.... typical 14-years-old white girl.

selam yavru, 

[my thing with english is sort of weird (as will be my advices, wait for it), i never stayed/studied abroad and although my english education started in the 4th-5th grade i was actually placed in the lower class when we were tested for proficiency, and am sort of v dyslexic and have never been the most academically successful when it comes to english among my peers and my high school’s education wasn’t in english, so considering all these obstacles, i think you can definitely get your english to whatever level you want.]

the first thing i did that i think worked was to. watch. a. lot. of. interviews. this is not a thing that i did to improve my english specifically (i just love watching certain ppl speak) and some of my choices are v specific to my interests (jeremy scahill, mary karr, mary gaitskill etc) but i can give you a few more accessible ones (cate blanchett, daniel day lewis) it doesn’t matter if you don’t understand everything they’re saying, you will, in time. but i think it’s important to find someone whose speech is like a literal performance of what they think and absorb it and sit w it for a while (also it helps if they’re fascinating) this substitutes having an actual native speaker around that you can learn from via quiet observation, and even try it (the way they speak) out on yourself (but always remember that you’re borrowing) which brings me to my next thing.

talk to yourself, at home, practice alone, try to say what you’re exactly feeling/thinking, look for possibilities, don’t try to translate from turkish, at least not always, explore english’s specific possibilities. 

take chances w language, i do this a lot, and use google incessantly to see if that particular way of saying something is used a lot or at all (put it between “ “ & look at the # of results, google books results to see how it’s used/if it’s correct etc) and don’t be freaked out if you’re not following grammar religiously (unless you’re writing a paper or smth ofc), i personally love the specific quirks non-native speakers have when they speak english, you don’t have to obey this ~imperial~ language mot a mot and if some native speaker asshole tries to correct your grammar honestly fuck them (all the ppl who tried to correct my grammar were insecure spineless men tbh) laf uzadı ama demek istediğim, make it your own thing. 

ok this is a lot less doable but find english speakers and talk w them and be friends w them if possible (if they’re nice and you genuinely want to be friends ofc lol). i know this can be a bit intimidating if you’re not comfortable w how u speak and expats can be such arrogant assholes but definitely try to do this.

the reason why i’m focusing on speech in these tips is bc i think there’s smth fundamentally fucked up abt how language is taught, developmentally we all start w speech and then learn to say cool shit on paper but first of all, language has to be a real thing for you, a thing that you do w your body regularly. but in the meantime substitute real life speech w writing in english online, here, in forums, or whereever, you know. if it’s intimidating to do it w native speakers, find a fellow non-native english speaker. 

some more basic tips include watching tv series/movies with english subtitles, if that’s hard to do, maybe watch stuff you really love and love to rewatch so you already know what it’s abt etc. and also obviously, read (this is boring i know) and not only articles/essays but like, novels, poetry etc. like go for it, i don’t know your taste but if you like the quotes/stuff i post, pursue them. articles/essays tend to have a very bland style unless the essayist is really brilliant. 

oh and also podcasts, and not only ~white american~ podcasts but brits, australians & people of color too so you’re exposed to how english can be done differently and maybe that’ll inspire u. 

ok, that’s all i think, you can always ask me to clarify smth ve bana bu dil meselelerinin nasıl gittiğini yazarsan/haber edersen çok sevinirim

[my-nameless-bliss]

My menstrual cup guru. I finally bought one after reading your posts. Idk if it's important but the only thing that has ever go down there for me it's a tampon. I've tried it today, it was a disaster the first time and when I managed to do it the cup was in a wrong position and it's probably the reason why it has stayed folded and haven't expanded (it's still a victory for me). What worries me is if I ever put it right and the cup doesn't expands, do you have any advice on that? Thank you xxx

Hooray for trying out menstrual cups! I know how frustrating it can be, but I hope it ends up working out for you!

It shouldn’t matter that you haven’t had anything in your vagina before, since your vagina isn’t going to change at all by putting something in it. The only thing that might make it difficult is that you’re not used to inserting anything, and it can take a while to get comfortable with having your fingers all up in your business. Remember to always go slowly, use lube if you have it, and be nice to yourself! Stress and pain can make you clench up, which makes things way worse. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself relaxed, and work your way up to inserting the cup however you need to.

Alright, cup expansion: If the cup isn’t expanded fully in your vagina (meaning it’s completely open, with no hint of deflation anywhere), it won’t create a suction seal to your cervix, and blood will be able to leak out. It’s technically not too much of a problem if you also wear a pad, since blood will still flow into the cup naturally, it just means that not all the blood will stay in the cup. You need to get the cup 100% open to keep the blood inside it. 

There are a lot of different tips for getting the cup to open. It helps to run the cup under really cold water for a few seconds right before inserting it. It doesn’t make a huge difference, but it will stiffen up the silicone a bit (especially if you have one of the softer brands like a Diva cup, which is what I use), which helps it ‘pop’ open when you insert it. 

There are also different ways you can try folding the cup to insert it. If you do a quick google search (or youtube if you want demonstrations), you’ll see things like the ‘7 fold’, ‘C fold’ or the ‘punch-down fold’. Personally, I’ve never been able to get the punch-down fold to open. Not once. And I’ve tried a lot. The way I fold it is to press the cup so it’s flat, then fold one end of the lip diagonally across-and-downwards. It’s basically the 7 fold, but it makes the part of the cup that gets inserted first a little narrower. 

Once you’ve inserted the cup, if it hasn’t opened all the way, you can try pulling down on the stem just a little bit, which helps give it enough room to open. I haven’t been able to use this method, since my cup is a little bigger, and I don’t really have any room to pull it down without leaving the stem hanging out. But I see this tip on pretty much everything I’ve read about cups, so I’m assuming it works well if you have a smaller cup!

But the thing that works best for me, once the cup is inserted, is to spin it around (as best as possible). I use just my index finger, but finger and thumb would work too if that’s comfortable for you. Just get your finger pressed against the side of the cup, as high up as you can comfortably get it, and do your best to spin the cup around. Admittedly I don’t know why this works, but it’s what I do every time, and it usually only takes a few seconds for the cup to open up all the way. 

I hope some of this helps! It’s kind of difficult to find a good way of describing the actual actions used when inserting cups (since it eventually becomes something where you can just feel when it’s right), so I’m sorry if any of it is difficult to understand. Feel free to ask me any more questions, and I hope your cup ends up working perfectly for you! 💜😊💜

[welcometohellfilm]

(please bear with me) Okay, so, I'm a 15 year old freshman in highschool, and I've wanting to create some sort of series, whether it be a comic, or something else for a few years. I haven't too serious about it, but after one my of my friends showed me your video, for some reason, i was especially inspired. Now, I already have one character... but that's all i got. How did you come up with the things in your film? And did you ever experience "writer's block"? and if so, how did you deal with it?

No worries dude!  So okay, I’m gonna’ be honest, when I read this, I was hit with such a weird mix of, like, “god this is literally impossible to answer”, and “man I remember feeling that way when I was 15″.  So I guess the best thing I could do is elaborate.

I 100% absolutely know the feeling of “I want to create some sort of series.” Cause that’s the thing right? You don’t always know what you want it to be about, or what format you want (comic, animation, etc), you just know that you want to be known as an artist who is creating an on-going series.  But maybe you have some vague ideas about scenes that you want to happen.  Maybe you have an idea of the kind of relationships you want to portray.  Maybe you have some lines of dialogue or a couple jokes.  In this case, you even have a character!  Which is great!  Now you’re really eager to get started!

I had a bunch of vague ideas like that.  I had characters I wanted to use for a story, but didn’t know what their story was.  Sometimes I’d try and start a comic; I’d start to try and tell their story… but I would get a few pages in and give up, because I realized that I didn’t actually know where it was going, and so the characters would get kind of goofy and I’d try and pass it off as a lazy meta joke.  There’d be some Ambiguous Shadowy Figures™ running the Evil Science Laboratory™ that my Main Character Bishounen Boy With Wings For Some Reason™ had escaped from.  I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, I was just really excited to draw a pretty anime boy with angel wings.  

I jumped right in to making comics like this maybe… 4 or 5 times?  And every time went roughly the same.  Looking back now, I couldn’t tell you the characters’ names, or what half of them looked like.  I wasn’t even being facetious about the winged anime boy; that was a literal, actual comic I tried to draw in 6th grade, and I had completely forgotten about it until just now as I’m typing this.  You’re probably going to have a lot of ideas like that.  You might see characters come and go who never really get a story.  That’s going to be part of your journey as a storyteller.  Maybe your series won’t fizzle out after a few pages of bullshit like mine did (in fact I can already tell you’re more cautious than I ever was, because you’re aware of your situation and asking for advice… that’s another reason I’m so compelled to answer this ask; when I was your age the internet was different; social networking platforms weren’t a thing and I didn’t have a way to contact artists I looked up to and ask for advice, so the least I can do is try and fill that role now.  This is a whole ‘nother topic, but TO GET BACK TO IT) I’m here to tell you that, IF IT DOES, don’t sweat it.  You will get better at writing, you will get better at creating characters, and, god-willing, you will surely have better ideas than Pretty Anime Boy With Wings™.

Now, to move on to the part that’s (hopefully) actually helpful.

You used two phrases that I find interesting.  I already mentioned the first one, “some sort of series”, but the other one I’m zoning in on is “How did you come up with the things in your film?”  I want you to know that I’m by no means trying to talk down to you here, because this is actually a very straightforward way of asking something you might not have all of the right vocabulary for yet, but I take it what you’re asking is “how do you tell a story?”.  If the first few paragraphs I wrote correspond with “man I remember feeling that way when I was 15”, then these next ones are gonna’ be the “god this is literally impossible to answer” part, and I’m just gonna’ go ahead and apologize for that right up front, man!  Haha.

See, because that’s SUCH a huge question… that’s the part that I still struggle with.  That’s the part I said you’ll get better and better at over time—and you will—but I think it’s something you’ll always be learning to get better at.  I went to visit my family for the holidays and I borrowed a book to read on the plane: Story: Style, Structure, Substance, and the Principles of Screenwriting by Robert McKee.  I only got a couple chapters in before I remembered that I get motion-sick like a motherfucker and had to stop, but even in a few chapters I learned some new things.  You will constantly be learning and growing and bettering your skills, so don’t forget that!

There are lots of ways to tell stories, because there’s lots of different kinds of stories to tell.  Some methods work better than others.  I would suggest finding some things you like and making note of how they function… really dig in to them.  Maybe when you were a kid you took a clicky pen apart to see how it worked and then put it back together.  Try doing the same with the media you consume.  Not to turn into a cynic or anything, just out of curiosity to learn what makes it tick.  Think of it as STUDYING the comics and shows and movies you like.  

Since you’re asking me, I’ll use Welcome to Hell as an example to try and give you some things to think about.  I consider W2H to be character-driven; the character’s actions are what moves the story forward, the characters aren’t being forced to act because of the story.  There’s nothing wrong with either method, of course, it just depends on what you’d like to do.  Maybe since you already have a character, you can find a way for them to drive the story.  What do they want?  How will they get it?  What’s stopping them?  Is their conflict internal or external?  I think Sock has two wants: he wants to kill stuff, and he wants to be Jonathan’s friend.  What’s stopping him is that his two wants conflict with each other (an internal conflict), and also that his boss is the devil and there may be repercussions if he slips up (an external conflict).  Characters don’t have to have an internal and external conflict, and they don’t have to have two wants—in fact that’s actually a little convoluted—but I’m just using it as an example.  

Another useful thing to think about when telling a story is the structure.  From Wikipedia: “Narrative structure is about STORY and PLOT: the content of a story and the form used to tell the story. STORY refers to the dramatic action as it might be described in chronological order. PLOT refers to how the story is told. STORY is about trying to determine the key conflicts, main characters, setting and events. PLOT is about how, and at what stages, the key conflicts are set up and resolved”  

There are also different categories of narrative structure.  W2H is basically a linear narrative, for example.  It does technically start at the end and then explain how we got there, but the majority of the story is told in chronological order.  The reason it starts at the end is because I wanted to establish Sock and Jonathan’s relationship and the tone of the story right off the bat.  I thought it might be too confusing to start the story with Sock murdering his parents and then have it turn into a buddy-comedy half way through.  So I started it on a scene where they already know each other and have an established dynamic.  I also think starting it there creates a bit of intrigue:  “why is this kid phasing through a fridge?  What the fuck is happening?  What is his job?  What the FUCK is his job???  SHHH!!—The unreliable narrator is about to explain it!”.  

There are literally TONSSSSS of aspects to think about when writing a story, and it’d be impossible for me to go through all of them, but hopefully this will be helpful for you to get started.  If I were you, in addition to studying the stories you like, I would do some research and reading online.  You can always google terms like “storytelling 101”, “narrative structure”, “writing characters”, etc.  One of my favorite resources to read through was always (and still is) TVTROPES.  It’s like a wiki for the tips and tricks of telling stories… I used to spend HOURS just getting lost in that site, clicking on different articles and finally learning that there were TERMS for the kind of things I constantly think about.  Very invaluable resource.

And now, for the last part of your question, unfortunately, “writer’s block” is something that will never go away, haha.  There are ways to get through it, for sure.  Sometimes I’ll read TVtropes a bit if I’m really hellbent on figuring something out.  Other times I’ll just take a break to draw a little bit because I think my thoughts form more coherently and naturally when I’m drawing.  You might find different things that work for you!

IN CONCLUSION:  If you want to create some sort of series and tell some kind of story, just work towards getting good at it.  If you try to start a couple comics and they don’t pan out, it’s no big deal, because even making something unsuccessful is an act of learning how to get better at it.  You said you haven’t been too serious about it until recently, and that’s fine too, because being serious about it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go out and create a successful series right this moment, it can mean just striving for that goal and bettering your craft.  You have plenty of time to grow into an amazing artist and make all kinds of kick-ass stories, so always hang on to your drive to keep creating things!  

Oh!  And just a fun fact:  I think I first started having the vague ideas that would develop into W2H when I was, what, 17-18?  ish?  I tried making it into a comic when I was maybe 21… and I made the film when I was, I don’t know, 24?  I’m 28 right now.  So that’s something to keep in mind: good shit takes time!  You’ll probably have a lot of ideas come and go, but if something sticks with you for 10 years, there’s a good chance it’s worth bringing to fruition.  There’s definitely no rush to develop something you really care about.  

BONUS:

Here is a previous ask i’ve answered about storytelling tips!And here is another one!

You can also search my blog for “art advice”, “story”, “writing”, “character”, “animation”, etc., + “ask” to see if I might’ve answered anything else that would be helpful.  I don’t have specific tags, but I do try to tag everything.  You can also try “resources” or “important film stuff” to see things I’ve reblogged that aren’t my own advice.  

Hope you found some of this helpful!  Best of luck!