#i need to be kinder to myself i think. i dont know why im so cruel like ooooghghgh im so overbearing but also i dont give enough

[dykedragons]

good moment

[astroyongie]

i honestly feel like i was born in the wrong era. either im too old for something or someone or im past the point of being able to achieve something. then when looking at how all these kpop groups are so young yet successful and talented just makes me question why i didnt do something like that.

we didnt have kpop in my school time but why couldnt i have just picked something and stuck with it? on top of it i believe im never going to fit anyones ideal type so whats the point in existing cause no one gonna truly get to know me.

unless i can somehow pass away before im 50 then i dont have to continue to think about all this shit and how i shouldve done better or i shouldve picked such and such a career and i shouldve tried to put myself out there more but in my age theres really nothing out there to seek when its all handed to younger generations.

and i would want to have my own success based on my own effort but have fallen short in so many ways its impossible to not find something i could do about it bc im too far behind and it does get to a point where you think that it is too late bc in order to gain any talent you have to have done it from a young age.

i dont want to rely on someone else to do it for me but i couldnt do it myself due to personal situations. yet i feel like thats an excuse cause once again all these young idols seem to be ro have something about them that makes their life a success. like yes the end inudstry is far from perfect but thats what people have been seeking themselves so it cant all be that bad all the time for them if these groups including older age groups have went out got success and even they get all the benefits of the super rich lifestyle but at the same time money doesnt bring true happiness and it seems a very shallow way they live sometimes, they have a supply and demand contract with their audiences and rely so much on social media which although i use it im not attached to it and i cant relate to obsessing over latest dance trend. i also want to stop the woe is me narrative but its really fucking hard to not feel so ashamed, behind or negative about things.

the most advice people gove is bog standard like if ur bored, go out more but its hard not to feel left out, if ur loney go find someone, if u dont have an income go get a job its literally never that simple. even in education you still have to pay for it as an adult meaning you have to already have a job but even then theres still means of you getting misjudged for your age and classmates have already done that to me before it wasnt that fun. its like saying to someone depressed to go take medicine to take away the feeling.

idk what im doing anymore besides waiting to randomly pass away so i can be done with this shite. sorry for ranting so much but idk who else to speak too bc no one else never seems to understand my frustrations with the way things have panned out.

Comparing yourself to others people archievement is the worst thing you can do. because we are all different, we all go through different shits (just like you rightfully said) and not all of us have the same opportunities presented. beating yourself up for that is a cruel thing to do wishing yourself.

It does also seem like you struggle a lot with self worth, self love and that is probably because never once someone complimented you for the things that you have achieve (to this point were you believe you havent achieved anything).

Love, hatred that you carry is a motivator, and you need to accept one thing. as long as you are breathing nothing is to late to archive, as long as you are here you should be kinder to yourself. because why are you comparing yourself to idols? I often say this here but when was it the last time you appreciated life? when was the last time you went out, stared at the ocean, at the night sky, breathed into a forest, when was the last time you felt a sense of peace? seek that out. dwelling on what we could have been is cruel hun, and not helping you in any kind <3

its okay to rant, dont worry, I hope I dont sound to harsh either, its just that I pains me seeing you guys going through so much suffering when I promise you all, darkness cannot live without light. just find your way back to it, often you dont need a big reason. sometimes the most tiny thing can be a source of happiness, seek yours !

[aiyexayen]

you NEED to tell me all your thoughts and the bts process of Everything You‘re Not Supposed To Do. and i know youre dabbling in a sequel so probably more like tell me Everything that has to do with this verse!!!! i NEED to know!!! the idea of this fic is so unique, i havent seen it anywhere else before! and its ingredients are so precisely and carefully mixed (as all your rarepairs are!) that im astonished its not ,, canon ,,

its such a cool set-up! lqq joining tianchuang, lqq seeking out siji manor years after qin huaizhang teaches her his disguise skills but finding an abandoned estate, han ying going from wariness to desire and affection for lqq! everything thats going on with zzs in the background and that we dont get to see!!!!!!! there are two moments of this AU that are burned into my mind—one is lqq reflecting on her own disappointment at finding what she hoped to maybe become her new home abandoned, the other is zzs realizing he has been outsmarted and giving in to his fate. idk why but these two moments moved me very deeply. the image of lqq taking qhz up on his invitation, but too late. finding only withered grounds, empty houses, dust. and then zzs surrendering to the fact that he has been outsmarted. that his two disciples turned what he taught them against him, that he lost because he, too, is human. the only reason they could outsmart him in the first place being that he let them so close to him, that he underestimated what he means to them, what they are ready to do for him. eugh!!!!! so good!!!

please ramble! i loved reading your thoughts re: The Only Place You Wanna Be! <3

ooouhoohoohooheehee i love this fic (Everything That You're Not Supposed To Do) and thinking about it and talking about it.

starting by dragging a point over from ao3 about having a difficult time believing zhou zishu would go that far in some of the scenes! because i actually had such a fascinating time myself playing with just how far i thought zhou zishu would go. how far would he push liu qianqiao and han ying? how hard would he make them work? as his lovers? as his subordinates? as the sole occupants of the venn diagram where those two circles overlap in such a complicated way. they're so *entangled.*

zhou zishu, of the infamously soft heart. zhou zishu, who knows this about himself and becomes colder and harder to compensate. zhou zishu, who murdered an innocent family down to the servants, down to a little girl he *knew* and cared about. zhou zishu, who drugged his san-shidi to keep him out of the way during that mission--to keep him safe from it--to keep him safe from the worst of tian chuang--to keep him safe from zhou zishu himself.

and i feel like the zishu in this story does a lot to keep both his family and his lovers out of the depths of his business, but while his family/sect he'll do more to protect, he *needs* his lovers to be able to protect themselves.

he'll go harder on them than anyone else because he needs them to be *the best*--no mistakes. no way they can be his weakness and vice versa.

or, at least, that's what liu qianqiao would tell you.

but a very delightful bit of ambiguity i have in this particular fic is pov. we never get zhou zishu's pov. *is* he so ruthless? how many backup plans on backup plans does he have? is he in the shadows after all, waiting to swoop in if they need him? does he retain much awareness and empathy for their humanity? has his own human fallibility projected inhuman standards on them to make himself feel safe, and it simply hasn't backfired yet? is it some jumbled mix of the above?

and! i love that we will never know. that, truthfully, we don't even need to.

anyway! all that was a big part of the bts process, sitting with zishu's character and his headspace in tian chuang, sitting with my pov characters and how i wanted to play with this perspective on it all.

and of course, as always, thinking about liu qianqiao. the idea that a choice that in another au might have been kinder to her than gui gu--to study further under qin huaizhang among the blossoms of siji shanzhuang--ends up merely being complicated in a different way.

something that still requires her to become the best at what she does, rise in the ranks, thrive in danger, make a home only out of the people she can trust.

going to gui gu ought to have her letting go of her obsessions and hurts, but it was never really good at what it wanted to be good at, this concept of second chances missing the mark with its meng po tang, and so it only let her steep in her hurts longer and let her grudges fester. meanwhile this other path both took her further away from the jianghu and required her to actually deal with her shit besides. there was enough of qin huaizhang's legacy, especially in some of the older members of siji shanzhuang that were definitely still around when she joined, to make that true.

i also like to think that in essence liu qianqiao's original choice set her up for more success, too.

in canon, in choosing to become a ghost, she chose to die in a sense, to stop living, but to become a ghost--a permanently frozen echo of the life she had lived up to that point, of the things that killed her.

because humans be human, she went on to still form relationships and find new purpose to an extent. but she didn't necessarily actively expect or want to, and her very identity as a ghost required her to always have the clinging cobwebs of her past laid over everything she did and planned and wanted.

but in choosing to go after qin huaizhang, she was *choosing* to live. she decided that she still had the capacity to be a person, to heal, to find meaning in living. and even if that road took her first to disappointment and then to tian chuang of all places, it still took her somewhere. and she was ready to embrace whatever it was she found.

i have a fondness for canon liu qianqiao and her role as yan gui and her relationship with luo fumeng and xie-wang and her tortuous journey through the weeds with yu qiufeng, trying to sort out and settle these matters that weighed on her too long in her state of self-imposed death.

but i'm also *so* compelled by a liu qianqiao, with all her passion and ambition and cleverness and *care*, who chose to live in that one crucial moment instead. and i just wanted very badly to see her reaction to and influence on a zhou zishu who was rapidly approaching his own choice on that matter.

anyhow! i am indeed working on a sequel to this fic. i haven't fully decided if i want to try another 5+1 things format for it, or if i want to explore zhou zishu's pov as well, or what.

but it will pick up right where the first one leaves off, with all the dramatic fallout of liu qianqiao's plan.

here's hoping it doesn't take too long to actually write 😅

[ladylaviniya]

Please someone lobotomise me. I don't want to have big human thoughts. I'm done. Just put me in a care home and let me go through dementia as I enjoy puzzles all day. I'd rather be at peace and forget things than have to continue feeling like I'm constantly drowning.

I hate myself and I hate that I struggle to fit into society.

I just want to be loved and I thought I'd be married with kids by now (yes I'm only 22 but I'm a Christian virgin who struggles with the physical feelings of being comfortable with sex other than the smut I write and read.)

I thought men were real- I thought men were romantic and worshipped women. I didn't realise how objectified and then shamed we are by men who behave like animals.

I don't want to work and I think that's a massive reason I'm having such a bad breakdown. I want to be a Pilates wife. I want to be at home baking and cooking and meal planning and loving a husband. I want to mend his work uniform and sit and rub his feet while he oats my head and tells me I'm his angel.

I don't want to work in disability care where my tolerance is so minimal to loud, overstimulated (overstimulating for me) aggressive clients. Or work with babies that scream and cry and hit along with angry parents that yell at you the moment something goes wrong. I wish job employment agencies would stop trying to pressure me into these roles. I KNOW THEYRE UNDERSTAFFED ALREADY SO IM NOT RIDING A SINKING BOAT- no THANKS

I just want my dad. I just want to go home. I just want to be 6 years old. I want to go to preschook again and do painting.

I don't want to work from 5pm-5am and walking Brisbane streets at night all alone going from one cleaning place to another just for one client to write passive aggressive comments in the Communication booklet and my boss to start telling other co-workers that I'm having meltdowns and I'm high maintenance.

I'm autistic and I just want to be treated like a toddler or a dog because that's kinder than what's happening now.

I just want a husband to look after me and protect me.

I want to just make cute little videos and not have to worry my pretty head about money.

I DONT WANT designer bags or clothes. I just want to have a house I'm allowed to decorate and make dresses or bake for church. And a husband who comes from work and pats my head and tells me I'm a good girl. At this rate I don't even care if he's fucking a receptionist on the side.

I get it how these are such white woman tears. But fuck I think every woman should have this dream off they WANT without any shame.

I know it's a "grow up this is reality, you're describing something that doesn't exist." WHY CANT IT EXIST. FUCK.

I don't blame feminism. Feminism is amazing and I love her.

I blame classism.

People can't survive on just single home incomes anymore and that's fucked up to me.

"but women had jobs too you're just describing the rich wom-"

Women with jobs were mostly young single women waiting to get married or women who never wanted to get married but needed a liveable income. YES some entire families worked to survive poverty back in the day, I wont disregard that, but FUCK

you would think being so advanced as we are considering we mass produce via machine etc, human life would be "easier" BUT IT ISNT.

And I'm TIRED. I really am. I've been depressed since the day I was born but because it's so normal to me I forget how depressed I am and then feel bad when I burn the fuck out.

[boy-with-a-gun]

9/21/24

long day today. asked styx questions.

"where did you come from?'

'i was born in PEI but my parents moved here for work.'

'wheres the dad?'

she looked away and stayed quiet so i repeated myself. then she said 'he went for work and then i never fucking saw him again, can we just move on?'

'the building you were in when i found you'

'it was some tourist gimmick development for living in the desert or something. the designer was just testing it out, he was friends with my mom, so she knew how to get there and how to work everything.'

'its a moor' i corrected her, then 'how did you kill your mother?'

she flinched at that. 'i dont have my meds. i have mild schizophrenia and just, with everything, being so isolated, so tired and hungry all the time... i started thinking my mom was a fake. that she was kidnapping me and lying about how everyones dead. she wasnt ever good at handling me even when i was on my medication, so that just made everything worse, and i think she started gonig crazy too. and then we had an argument and then i just... yknow...'

'if you try and off me im not gonna be any kinder back.'

she shrunk down where she was sitting on the floor. 'ok.' she sounded like she was about to cry. 'im sorry.'

i decided to switch topics. i didnt want to have a crying kid again. 'how fit are you?'

'what? oh, uh, i did gymnastics in school?'

i didnt know what to make of that. 'youre gonna help me hunt, clean, prepare, scavenge, and cull zombies. that way youll earn your keep.'

'i can do that.'

awkward pause. 'i dont know what to do about your periods.'

she interuppted me before i finished speaking. 'dont say that! i... i have the stuff at my home. we can just go back and get it.'

'your dead mom is there.'

'yeah, i know.'

and other awkward pause. 'we're going on my bike. we'll get whatever you need, and we'll bury your mother.'

'what?'

i guess she didnt hear me. 'i said we're gonna go back, get the shit you need, and-'

'you want to bury my mother?'

'youre a kid. its only fair to give you closure.'

she smiled then forced it down. 'thank you. that means a lot.' gears turned in her head. 'why dont we move to my place? its better'

'no. im full well set up here. your place is too exposed, could see it from a mile away. if i were a more deranged man, you wouldve been dead the second i saw you through the window.'

'ok, ok, i get it.'

'we leave today.'

she shrunk again. 'can we not?'

'what?'

'its my mom. i fucking killed my mom, i dont wanna go back so soon, i just- i just wanna process it first. can we just go later?'

'tomorrow.'

'oh. ok, yeah, thats good. thanks.'

'you answered my questions good.' i didnt know how to end the conversation. 'you can go now, kid.'

[petitelepus]

I made it almost 200 words if its too much just tell mee

Demon slayer matchup

My name is Sabrinaaaa

For myself lookwise, reddish brown thick wavy hair down to my waist , brown eyes, almond shaped,0 eyebags+light freckles . fair skin with an olive undertone.body type is a figure 8

many people would describe me differently. Id say if im around people i dont know well ill be quiet. Im not shy it's just complicated to talk to different people . I'm genuinely a whole different person around people i trust. Im extremely loyal to ones i love and im always happy to be around them or listen to them if they need someone to talk to and ill go out of my way to make them happy. Im also very unpredictable and ill randomly do things in the moment. im always down for anything if my friends wanna do something ill do it. im really determined i try to better myself everyday and i don't just ever give up on things. Another thing about me is that im very overprotective of people i love. And the last thing im gonna say about my personality because this is wayy toooo much is that im just incredibly sarcastic😭

some of the things that i like are anything horror related, animals, cute dolls, perfume, grunge, rock, some pop, some rap music, skincare, haircare, fashion, gaming, and the walking dead

I'll end this off with my hobbies which include kickboxing, gym, bedrotting, binging shows, dressing up, making bracelets, gaming, shopping

🫶

I match you with adult Muichiro Tokito!

You're both quiet… So quiet… And then Muichiro comments sarcastically to something and you shoot something sarcastic right after him. The two of you look at each other and then avert your gazes, but you are both smiling a little.

He is a little aloof and not very good at communicating… But he changes and as the two of you get to know each other better. Muichiro appreciates and thinks highly of your loyalty. It's an admirable trait to have.

He can actually have fun with you around. The two of you can be watching The Walking Dead or coming up with plans for the zombie apocalypse. You both know it's fiction, but it's fun to talk about your life plans if zombies really did take over the world.

You can be unpredictable, yes, but it keeps Muichiro on his toes because he never knows what you might do next… Or so you like to think, but he is a genius, he totally learns to read you and it's an art of its own.

The two of you bond over the idea of becoming better human beings. While Muichiro tries to become kinder to others, you try to become a little better person each day. Why? You are already good in Muichiro's eyes?

Your protective nature stands out when you stand up when people talk badly about your beloved Muichiro. You can have quite a tongue on you when you are being sarcastic and you aren't sorry even one bit.

Talk shit, get smacked shithead.

Muichiro doesn't need you to protect him… But he still loves it when you do so. Sometimes he gets you something he knows you will love.

The best gift you have ever received from him must be the Hinamatsuri doll that was made with you as the source of inspiration and style. It's a loving gesture, even if some call the doll creepy, no, you love it even more and you love Muichiro for giving it to you!

[sandorsubs]

hi an anon here, im just feeling overwhelmed and healing since i have so many emotional abuse interaction with ppl outside, it kind offended and im internalizing it and worrying my trauma will pop up when im manifesting, cause till today i feel vulnerable how they look at me, like i dont do anything to ppl and they hate and piss off to me, im a very spiritual person and its obviously i tend to be sensitive, im also insecure and worried if i have a bad energy or its just a reflection of their bad energy.

hi there anon. i don't think you have bad energy first of all. being a spiritual person can be tiring sometimes. i kinda felt that you are an empath. so you need to protect your energy. carrying our past is so tiring when it's mixed with our old harmful habits. for example you may realize you have same pattern in relationships because of your previous experiences. but you are not stuck in past even if it feels like it. according to your assumptions you may still attract negative people around you. i'll listen things you may want to be interested in because i've been there, i am still healing. most important thing is your will to heal. since you have that i hope you find this useful.

of course i will suggest therapy first because it's mind opening and makes us realize a lot. all healing process is like breaking a wrong healed bone to make it heal better again. but don't condition yourself it'll be hard or scary. it's fresh breath seriously.

you are the most important person in your life. this is a realization should hit somewhere in your life. it's cheesy to read it on self-motivation pages ik. don't just affirm but think about it. when a people pleaser say yes to something they don't want, who experience the discomfort? they do. being rejected isn't worse than discomfort. every grown up person should deal with rejection. but a people pleaser would rather feel discomfort than making someone feel rejected. whose team are you on? always check you feel good, comfortable and respected when you are with people. if you completely focus on other people's wants and opinions, you'll neglect yourself. but your life comes first.

as a previous people pleaser i used to imagine myself as someone else (since i am kinder to strangers) to be able to help myself. but do i bully other people? no. i didn't even write a single hate message in my life but oh the things i told myself...to the mirror. then i realized "i'm not surprised why i hate myself" because i treat myself very shitty. i neglect her, i shut her down, i bully her, i reject her requests. but i expect to be happy. how? according to external validation but it's sooo temporary if you don't love yourself. you experience this life yourself, you should love yourself most because they are always with you. please practice self love, external validation is out. it makes you weak and open to manipulation.

who can tell you who you are? you have been your own best friend from the start. you should know everything about yourself. but do you? do you really think you have bad energy? write down about yourself. your life, things you are proud of, your dislikes. this sounds so basic and you may struggle first but i promise you'll amaze yourself. don't be humble just be honest. even our families says horrible things to us sometimes. we think they are right just because it's family and they're close bla bla. but you can stop and not accept what they say. because you know yourself better than anyone. no one can make you doubt.

about past traumas. write everything down. literally every single thing you are offended by, every person that hurt you. now since you love yourself and know yourself, trust me you'll have a different perception. you'll know why you acted like that, why you said that and all of your experiences will make sense. because we get the damage and since we couldn't heal from it we still think it's our fault and feeling ashamed of our trauma. how is this fair? i am not a professional and i don't know what kind of traumas you have but get help, heal and build your trust in yourself again. would you let someone you love and know get hurt in front of you? no, since you build a healthy relationship with yourself you won't let that happen.

sometimes we forget who "people" are. you said you get hate for no reason. why do you care? look who is giving you the hate. a hater. i wouldn't be friends with a hater, i wouldn't even look at their face, they don't deserve to talk to me. i wouldn't let them approach to my kids. they just need to heal and stop having a ugly personality. because we've also been through shit and we don't have ugly personalities. sadly we can't stop haters from talking and reaching out but we can ignore. before directly accepting what they say, look where it comes from. i know it's hard but look at their faces carefully, they are not even aware of their toxicity. they are far from healing and being happy. they want to see you doing bad stuff only to tell themselves "oh great i'm not the only bad person". but you don't and this makes them crazier.

you have the formula. self love+knowing yourself+trust= self worth. past doesn't matter, what people says about you doesn't matter. focus on what you want and create that time for yourself to write and ask questions. like you get to know yourself from start. be clear about your manifestations and there is nothing to be afraid of

[paralien]

Is it dual wielding 50% school and night shifts or is it me that's giving me at work panic attacks. is it a me issue? sorry I'm like barely holding back a world breaking anxiety/panic attack at work and using all my will power to sit very still and breathe normally so this might be a long one but like, is it a me issue? am I just bad at managing my time and myself and is it me that's causing the world to feel like it's ending?

I mean, the world feels like it's ending for very many reasons that like, I refuse to properly share even on the over sharing website or w people i know which might be it like. I've got it in my head that as long as I just suck it up well enough it'll somehow disappear into a deep dark void never to be seen again and magically, somehow, my friends will talk to me again and I'll stop feeling so awfully world breakingly heart crushing lonely which doesn't even make sense. Because I'm currently living with my best friend and i love them so much so why do i feel so heart breakingly lonely and as if my life is irrapearily broken and destroyed and nothing will ever be well again?

I just, I have a 0 tolerance now for anything going wrong and it's making me isolate because I don't want to lash out but im also tired of the fact that all that'll excit my mouth is hi how are you doing I've been crying for a week straight ♡ like hello shut up shut up shut up what the fuck no one cares! that's stupid shut up! suck it up! I go to work i attend my classes I don't have any time to do my schoolwork bc all i do is sleep and then wake up for work and work and it has to be a me thing how can't I actually find the time to do it I'm supposed to have 8hrs free for school work but all i do is sleep.

I want to be kinder i need to be kinder i need people to love me and miss me and care if I'm here but I currently feel like if I didn't no one would even notice because why would they? I feel so awful. And i dont get it i try so hard to be nice and supportive and kind but does it matter? does it matter. does it? it's so childish. it's so insanely childish I'm in my mid 20s so how can I suddenly end up so unstable iut of nowhere? I'm exhausted of being exhausted and I'm tired of being lonely but I'm too terrified to reach out to people because if they don't do it first and havent done it first in weeks then why does it matter?

I want too much. I think that's what it all boils down to. I want too much and i can't have it and I can't speak up about wanting it either because how childish is that? how childish how foolish how absolutely ridiculous. how stupid.

I wish I could break into a million pieces and everyone would say how sad and they'd feel sorry for me but i can't those pieces are no ones responsibility but my own. how silly how foolish i just want attention but that's selfish so so selfish so i can't ask for it. I just want a hug. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to hold me in a tight embrace for hours until I feel steady again like i can breathe again and i think I had a realization and I can't I can't. I don't want to be selfish i don't want to be a burden i don't want them to grow tired of me. I feel like people have already grown tired of me. I've grown tired of me. and I've had a realization and I think ill take it to my grave because I cannot say it i can't how foolish. how absolutely folish. how selfish. how absolutely selfish you are

[mabeysomeclasspecting]

You're still doing requests? Awesome! Can you classpect mine 🥺 no need to rush with it ofc, pace yourself! Uhh, lets see.

1. What are your interests/hobbies?

i have a lot of interests but if i have to put a pin on them, its always about exploring something new. watching a mysterious internet arg, writing down worldbuilding ideas, getting myself lost because my hometown start to get too samey, exploring abandoned buildings, and watching plays and backyard gigs. which is ironic because i live in a small-ish town, there is not much excitement or exploration to be done in here, but i make do. other interests of mine would be music. i like music that are weird, distorted, and just off. i love it when the rhythm is a discordant mess. however, just because i seem to go out a lot doesnt mean im the social type. i mean, i try to be, i kinda have to get used to keeping secrets and doing things all alone to get some freedom / agency in life.

2. How Do You See Yourself?

Honestly it depends on which character i latched on to that week. I dont really care for having an internal self. Whatever serves what i want best is my current self. But, turns out im not that good as a social chameleon. So, one thing I can recognize about myself is i don't quit and give up on things even when I should. When I want things, I might not be very motivated to get it, but I'll always work on it no matter how long it takes or how many times it has failed. Oftentimes I worry that im too slow and that no matter how much patience and devotion i have to my wants, I just dont have enough energy to actually get it. Or i'll end up ruining myself in the process.

3. How do you think others see you

Unforgettable. Striking. strange and offputting. Acquaintaces say im okay but a little aloof/strange. My family say i work hard but i have no sense of self preservation, tbh i think theyre biased. My friends think im smart and a little impressive. But closest besties, despite my best efforts, see that i used to be super sheltered and inexperienced in social settings. its terrible!

4. How do you interact with your friends?

Hm, depends on what kind of friends. if theyre the hangout friend, i'll just sit back and occasionally make them laugh with my dumb antics and give out some trivias to make things fun and easy. If theyre the deep conversation friend, i would try to impress them with how much i know. its overcompensating i know.

Its not all roses with me though. Some of my friends did say i can be unsympathetic to their problems. which is surprising to them because they thought im nice. i didnt mean it, i guess i just dont get why people just lament instead of finding a solution. its so... helpless. i dont want to be my younger self who let himself get trapped in his own house and miss out on so much life because theyre too afraid to act. so why people do nothing but feel sad when awful things happen is beyond me. And that comes out harsh when people are used to my lighthearted, easygoing self.

5. What's Important To You

I need to feel good about myself. And that's very much reliant on me working for my dreams. Not some escapism or fantasy. I also want change, a kinder world, justice. I want everyone to get whats been stolen from them. However, I spent so much time and wasted so many opportunities because of that dream, it almost feel like its holding me back from permanently feeling good for myself. but when i think about it, im not angry or disappointed. I like to see the silver lining in everything i guess. but there's limits to this. Yknow the phrase "fighting the good fight?" i think, its not enough to fight, you have to win, no matter how many rules you break or how many things become collateral damage. doesnt matter if youre in the right side of history or how many times you prove bigots wrong if you keep losing and dying. and thats a matter of action and bravery, not morals.

6. Describe the ideal you, what kind of person do you strive to be?

Impressive. Capable and competent at everything. Scares people but in a good way. Get shit done. Have sick-ass tattoos, have lots of friends, Can be relied on for everything. And have traveled to so many places and get so many extraordinary experiences.

(note : i wanted to send you an ask a few months ago, but there was a sudden blackout in my area right after i hit send. pretty sure its gone to the void! but just to make sure, if you see an ask thats similar in content to this (i remember saying i like internet horror, args, music, and urban exploration!) its probably mine! you dont have to answer that)

and my signoff emojis : 🫧🌪️

Hello! I definitely think that ask got lost, but I'm happy to classpect you now :)

Aspects: Breath, Heart, Time

Classes: Prince, Thief, Maid

You seem like a solid Prince of Breath to me! I feel pretty certain, but play around with those other ones if that doesn't feel right

Hope this helps!

[renewingagain]

tuesday 27 august 2024 // 2pm

just went to manchester pride! got soo drunk pretty much 4 days in a row and did a significant amount of drugs lol. it was so fun though. went with james and tom and others tagged along. saw soo many people there and met such lovely new people too. met some cutie queer south asians which was amazing, i didnt know that manchester has such a big queer south asian scene but they were talking about how they have regular get togethers etc, it was so lovely to hear

im feeling a bit of anxiety heading back to brum now but i need to be kinder to myself - it is still ok to rest! its only been about two weeks (if that!) of being unemployed and moving home, i want at least two months before i have to do anything else :D i really need to let my mind and body rest now for a while

i said that manchester pride will be my last big blowout for a while now. i just want to look after my health for a bit and start getting fit again and prioritize my sleep. i ordered huel again so maybe this will help me slim down a bit and i can start running again etc etc. kish also left weights in the room at bibis house so maybe i can even start getting hench :p

FUNNILY enough i happened to bump into benjamin on the sunday of pride and it was heavyyyy. he was absolutely not happy to see me at first lol and he was very hostile in our first encounter and he ended it with saying something like ‘i think its best we dont really talk again’ it was weird and awkward and painful lmaooo so i wished him a happy pride and left

however he then ended up bumping in to me again at churchill later and apologised as he acknowledged he wasnt being very nice. i asked him if we could go outside and have a conversation so we chatted for a bit about us and albeit him being drunk he basically said he fell in love with me when we were dating.. if that really was the case then i can see why he was very very hurt by what had happened with us..

he didnt seem to think i was all that bothered about us ‘breaking up’ for lack of a better term but obviously i was! ive been thinking about him every day even still 🤣 and god i missed his smell.. the convo had to end after about 10 mins cus his friends were going to other clubs but we hugged goodbye and it was an ok ish conversation..

he messaged me the next day with a short stream of consciousness nnd said it was nice to see me and ive basically texted him again just to say sorry for everything etc … i am glad i got to see him again and hope we can find some closure from it

i think i regret us not continuing to speak and not trying to make it work but here we are - ive wrote before that i’ve met people before like lewie alex etc and i met him and i will meet other people! if life reconnects us then it does .. if it doesnt then it is what it is. a cliche but maybe he is the one that got away

im obvs feeling a bit weird anyway probably a slight comedown lol, but this next season and period for me is to just be kind to myself and to reconnect with friends and family here in birmingham. i am loved here

[funshinebf]

man one thing i think i need to start working on in my mental health is like. how to be angry. obviously too much anger is also bad but like. idk i feel like im just constantly making excuses for people who hurt me. like i can recognize that they hurt me, and even sometimes that it was on purpose. but i always end up justifying it, especially when i ever talk about it with someone else. like i always feel such a strong need to defend them and i get so nervous about painting people in an unfairly negative light. ive had a lot of close friends tell me that its like, a good thing about me because it shows that im a very kind and understanding person. but honestly most of the time i just wish i could be less understanding and actually let myself be mad for once. it gets so exhausting constantly excusing the actions of anyone who hurts me just cause, what? they had their reasons? they had their own issues, they were just a person too? that doesnt make it okay... i would never give myself this much forgiveness for much lesser offenses. i fucking beat myself up if i accidentally dont hold open a door for a stranger, for christs sake. im so sick of holding myself to standards that i wont hold anyone else to, it isnt fair to me at all. but every time i try to get angry at someone who hurt me i just cant stop thinking about the why's of the things they did, and it makes it so much harder for me to keep that anger. i just end up feeling sad, or even sometimes guilty for even feeling angry in the first place. i know sometimes my constant bleeding heart is a good thing and can make me a kinder person. but other times i cant help but feel like it just makes me a doormat

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i finished bridgerton and im sad. im sad because i feel like lady danbury deserved more... and im scared that my life will end up like hers. i dont know. i feel like we all deserve more than a life without love. 

today was so hard. every day feels so hard lately. im so overwhelmed with emotions, and ive been punishing my sister. im sad that i wasted our time together being like this but she was annoying me too... but she doesnt deserve to feel like a problem, or like she has to step on eggshells around me. i keep on facing this darkside of myself and its disappointing and shameful. im selfishly angry and aggressive and mean. i need to loosen up on others, and be kinder, and warmer, and all those good things that i feel like arent being provided to me. im sad shes leaving tomorrow cause i dont know when well see each other again. probably in 3 months... i hope. last time was 6 months ago... it will fly by! 

in this economy its getting harder and harder to see the people we care about. but shes only a flight away...! i dont know. i guess its sad feeling so distanced again now that were changing and we dont talk as much. i want to be there for her but were going through entirely different situations. 

im frustrated by my lack of a backbone. i hate my job but i do nothing about it. UGH! i hate the types of men im attracting yet i dont send them away, i open my life to them. when i know that by doing so i leave no space for the keanu reaves/oscar isaac/tom hardy types that i know i want and deserve. UGH! what happened to the bad bitch with a good music taste, amazing style, sexy attitude and too cool for school vibes? i completely lowered myself to feel validated by pathetic boys, only to wonder why i feel like nothing when i realise their validation means nothing. in fact, it actually lowers my worth, because now i think that i belong in their league. 

i win at life when i realise my focus could be on myself instead of boys and relationships. i cant help it im a horny hopeless romantic! i miss the days where i was consumed by my stories enough to distract me from the real thing. now im indecisive over a dilf that i absolutely know is not the right decision for me.

anyways, yes, im sad and pathetic and wallowing in all my annoying and inconvenient emotions because im a woman and im definitely not living up to my full, amazing, beautiful, incredible, awesome potential. ONE DAY! one day. ugh. thats what makes it all so much worse, honestly. knowing everything im capable of, but sitting here idly being bored and drained by my lack of stimulation. its such an easy thing to fix, no? im surrounded by distractions. i just need discipline, to detach myself from this addiction to distraction. i managed to free myself from weed and bad people. even cigarettes, though that never really counted for me, i was never addicted, i am strong willed. i can free myself from this too! i am already so dedicated to my body, making myself the strongest i can be to feel my best and most confident. but the final piece of the puzzle is strengthening my mind, and my wit. wow. 

this feels like such a revelation now that ive managed to conceptualise it. like all this time ive been so lost, and confused, and wondering what was missing from my awareness, to help me understand what ive been doing wrong. its this! i need to dedicate myself to my mind. it will solve everything ive ever felt insecure about! i will be a better writer, i will be a better student, a better marine biologist, a better friend, a better guest, a better partner, a better employee, a better person. a better creative. and a better divine being. because with knowledge comes connection to all things...

im figuring it out. im on my own path and timeline. and ill take it step by step. and one day ill look back and smile and laugh and cry about the journey ive managed to complete, all on my own. always on my own. because i am a strong, independent, magical woman. with music to heal and soothe me, and those who came before me to teach me and guide me, and my loved ones to support me and celebrate me, i will accomplish everything i ever dreamed or wished for! like i always said so. i am determined. i am determined. i am capable of anything i put my mind to. i will expand my knowledge, and become a makeup artist, and become a marine biologist, and get my divers certificate, and do beautiful makeup for my beautiful friends, and create endless stories, and memories, and love, and acceptance, and nurture myself as a gorgeous flower only learning to bloom. 

[scrreeeamformx]

would be lying if i said i was fine

dont know why i feel so affected over yet another failed rs, but yeah probably my last one this year. i should be immune to it but the tears are flowing, maybe my period is affecting my hormones. i guess the silver lining is that at least it ended earlier then later right? i dont know how to continue being best friends with someone when a romantic relationship is not possible. i think with time, i will know how, i should be kinder to myself. at least i was authentic to myself, i had the courage to be authentic and believe in myself and thats an improvement! i am choosing myself over some other person and that's great. sure i know i am hyping myself up, but if i cant even be my own cheerleader, then who right? if i dont hype myself up and love myself, then who will? i deserve good things, i am worthy of good things, i need to keep reminding myself that i am more important. i need to be selfish. at this point in time, it would be easier for me to be single, easier for my soul, easier for my mental health etc so many more benefits really. im aging backwards, i need to remind myself that. after all, love could be a great force but it also means family, friends and nature, not really romantic love.

[hellbabyfromhell]

i unfollowed you, not because i dont like you, but rather because you have such trans girl swag that i just followed you for like... years without realizing you're not transfem and we have nothing else in common. i truly wish you the best of course but like... to me you're just some person walking around making posts and stuff.

ok?

it honestly bothers me that you followed me for years and you didnt like the content of my character or anything ive done and decided to now send me this saying “im just some person walking around making posts” because i didnt fit your image of who you thought i was. and it was entirely contingent on my gender and not any other thing about me? i am not a transfem, youre right, but 1. you also really dont know my history with gender and 2. its shitty that you went out of your way to tell me you were uninterested in any aspect of my personality other than my gender for years apparently. and you felt the need to inform me that you’re unfollowing me because i don’t fit your mental image of me….

you are just some person who treats people on the internet like they arent real, because you only care about a fictionalized image of them. you are like some person who thinks their opinion of someone is so important that they have to decree theyre unfollowing me in their askbox. im sorry you dont like me for who i am, but i guess i prefer that you’ve unfollowed because i dont want to be seen as someone else, someone imagined. (i think in some ways this is why perfect blue is so important to me) i want to be, i AM me, and thats all i can be. i am just some person walking around and liking myself (new development!) and sometimes other people do too, because of who i am as a person. this sort of thing drags me down, especially when i see it first thing in the morning, because it really bothers me when people send me these presumptuous and sometimes rude asks because they don’t think about the feelings of the person that theyre sending it to. so i guess all in all, if you are the kind of person who sends this sort of message, i truly wish you the best of course but i’d rather that people who actually like me for me follow me. i am a person, anon. this is really dehumanizing. in the future, please treat fellow internet denizens as human beings with feelings.

on that note, im sorry im replying to this and not my nice asks. this is kind of an anomaly and i don’t get stuff like this often. the nice asks, i like to keep them and look at them. honestly, sometimes when im at my lowest, i read them, and its like exp or spore food bits in the first stage. i truly appreciate how kind people are to me from the bottom of my heart. ive done a lot of work trying to bring myself back from having a horrible self image, because for so long i couldnt stand myself, and when i get a nice ask, its like adding a plate of armor to my knight-suit. i am feeling stronger than ever, and i appreciate and love every message and reply with all my heart. idk how to reply to replies sometimes but i read them all and they stay in my back pocket. i wish i could Like the replies. i just really appreciate how kindly people treat me and i cannot thank you enough. ive been through really tough shit the last 6 years and the dust is finally settling and everything is looking like itll be okay, and im touched whenever i get a kind message, because im grateful, truly, for people who have seen my highs and lows, failures and triumphs, and are so unrelentingly supportive. i wish i could express genuinely how much it means to me from the bottom of my heart. there are times when people here treated me much kinder than i would ever allow myself to at the time, and i really can’t explain how much it meant and still means to me. so thank you, a million times thank you. i started crying writing this part lol. i am just very beyond appreciative that i so infrequently have negativity on my blog. thank you to all the people who have stuck with me and sent me such kind things. i hope to keep making stuff and doing things and i hope it’ll entertain you and make you happy as much as doing those things makes me happy. lets be happy all together! thank you.

[kasiopeia]

//

im tired.

i dont wanna say i hate this family but i wish everyone was kinder to me

i dont wanna be here anymore i really dont.

but there’s nowhere else i could go.

no one i could really talk to about this either.

ive just been thinking about it for the few couple of days, yknow?

how it’s really really impossible to find someone who could truly understand just how awful everything is for me. theres no solutions, no compromising.

everyone in this family is lying. its just.......very heartbreaking to hear my siblings constantly talk about leaving everyone behind and cutting contact for good. and i wonder am i getting cut off, too?

if i am, then why are you telling me? 

and yet they get sad when i hint that i wont be around forever, so i stopped saying things like that. and then i wonder do they not think about how i feel?

and then i watch my siblings interact with one another, laughing and joking. and it hurts because theyve each confided in me personally, over who hates who. i could just drop the ball, yknow? 

hey, stop pretending. i know you two loathe each other. 

but what;s the point in doing so? they’d stop confiding in me, and that’s not good.

subconcsiously, i feel like i’m trying to be the bridge. i want them to get along genuinely,

i Need them to get along, and not hate each other. 

why did i assign such a task for myself? honestly whats my problem.

no, why are they being so fucking dramatic? whats the point in hating this and that. where does it get you?

why pick things apart personally when we all know the root of all evil is the father.

mother is an enabler because she has to be. she has no qualifications, no job, no money, no family support.

why are they basing things on point value system.

do they not want to help mom? do they really just care about their own lives?

or are they lying to me by saying they hate each other in secret. why am i carrying this?

why does everyone in this goddamn house trying to be a main character. 

well, youngest sibling excluded i think. she seems genuine in her troubles and she doesn’t make it a point as much as the others. unless im just in denial.

i dont want to say i hate my family, but some of them are so pathetic and stupid.

fear does not equate to respect. why gloat about which sibling is afraid of you? i think you’re pathetic.

i dont know about you, but the brother has never raised his voice at me personally. i guess its not a flex as i thought it is but.

i suppose i just wish everyone would just.... listen. that’s it. stop imposing your values on them. just Listen.

stop trying to prove a point. just Listen. 

its so easy. to just listen and come to a compromise. they go through the same things we do.

hm.

idk. i see them being all so petty with the little things. i guess its just awkward to see them behaving the way i did before i got myself into the deepest shit possible that my brain did a 180 switch.

GGRGGGGGGGHHG im sad. but its okay. have i not told myself never to take things that happen at home personally? dear me.

ok gonna watch voltron lol

[randomsevans]

a stab to the heart

Captain weekly challenge

@captain-a-rogerss​

@optimistic-dinosaur-nacho​

@donutloverxo​

RANSOM X READER 

a/n : i know i write quite abit of angst but i couldn't help myself , even tho i try to write soft Ransom because i dont think he gets much love , but i just had to write him as the true arsehole he is .

You should know this day would come , why on earth did you fall form him ? ,Trust him ? Believe he would change for YOU !

This wasn't how today was meant to be , it was meant to be your anniversary , A year you have put up with  his shit but you did it anyway because you stupidly fell for him. You've dealt with it all his  shit show of a family ,his drinking , partying. Your voices which you should of listen to from the beginning . After all you should know to trust you gut felling , but your heart just over powered.

Despite all the times he would leave and you wouldnt hear from him for days , or his constant partying with his friends , knowing fine well theyd be girls all around much like it was before you , You trusted him , believed him . After all who are you to call the man you love , who says he love you and to trust him , who are you to call him a liar . 

but that was what he was . 

after all he is Ransom FUCKIN Drysdale . 

you had woken up by a soft pair of lip touch your cheek ,but it wasn't gental or sweet , it was rushed 

“y/n ! im leaving right , ill see ya soon “ Ransom husky morning voice echoed through out your room . Ransom may have said in a harsh tone , but you must of thought because it was so early in the morning and he probably didn't want to leave . After all today is you anniversary . But at least it was an improvement , in the past he would just get up and leave 

“okay “ you grumbled as you rubbed your eyes turning on your back , pulling the sheets with you as you opened your eyes to see Ransom pulling his brown coat over  his shoulder sorting out the collar . A small smile placed on your lips , as you were mesmerised by how lucky you were to have someone as hansom as him . “why dont you say ?” you said softly 

“i cant !” he snapped back , not in such a bitter tone , like he use with most , he has always been kinder to you but it was still enough for you to be slightly offend 

“umm okay “ you nervously said sitting up , “where you going ?“

he let out a deep sigh as his eyes slighted towards you in announce “out ! “ he snapped once again , until a small smug smile place on his lips “iv got something to take care of “ 

you nodded being as naive and in love ,you didn't dare question him further until a wide smile placed on your lips as you remembered what today is “im still seeing you later ya !” you  asked all giddy 

“uhhhh .. it depends on how today goes “ he let out a dry chuckle 

“oh okay “ you though maybe he was trying to wind you up he might have a surprise for you like you do for him , He does remember what today is doesn't he ?

ransom turned the door nob and opened the door , not even glancing at you . “see ya !” it was cold , nothing sweet about it. but before you could answer you heard him bounce down the stair , and soon after heard the front door open and close . 

You sighed , dragging your self out of bed , but still feeling good about the day . He was probably only winding you up . 

so you got up and got ready for the day , 

***************************************************************************************

some time had past , and you were becoming more anxious ,to know if Ransom was actual going to come , of course he would , but what kept him from  not spending the day with you again . Especial today of all days . 

you tried to ignore the little voice in your head doubting him , where could he be ? who is he with ? what is he doing ? did he forget ?

you hide those thoughts in the back of your head , as you reminded your self of the plans you had for him . But you still could not help the gut feeling that something was off . So as you made your way up the stair you rang Ransoms phone , it rang through and went to voicemal by the time you got to the top of the stairs , You decided to try one more time , and as you did you heard a ringing noise coming from your bedroom . You lifted your brow in confustion and headed into your bedroom , The ringing contuined , you quickely glanced around , to see what it was , It was then you saw Ransom phone , was laying on the floor , inbetween the door and your dresser . 

You let out a little giggle , at Ransom for being foolish leaving his phone . It must of feel out of his coat pocket . 

You shook your head picking it up from the ground , you chucked it on the bed , along with your phone and made  your way in to your wardrobe to get ready for  when ransom gets back 

It didnt take you long to get ready , as you had gotten dress , applied little makeup (gift above )

you frowned releasing the time , once again , but you sighed , trying to remain , calm , and have a good day . But as you turned to grab your phone , yu quickly remembered you have Ransoms

you titled your head in curiosity , maybe you could find out what he was doing , or maybe call one of his friend to see where he was . As you grabbed his phone , you suddenly felt uneasy , and no it wasnt your lunch . You suddenly felt guilty for going through his phone it felt like you were invading his  privacy . You nibbled on your bottom lip . Surely it would be fine , its not like he has anything to hide , right ?

so you opened up his phone , and went to unlock it , when you released you needed to enter a password , that you didnt know . You stranded there for a minted thinking with one hand on your hip covered by you silk black robe .Ransom was a very forgetfully person   clearly . So you had to think of something , he wouldn't forget , and it was then you tried his birthday . NOPE didnt work . And then you remembered four number that were more important to Ransom his card pin BINGO you were in . 

But your heart suddenly began to beat fast , now you were in his phone , what were you going to do now , its not like anyone know where he is . So you decided to go on to message and see who it was that last text him , maybe there needed him and thats where he went ? Maybe ? 

so as you pressed the little green bubble at the bottom of the screen , you were met with a string of conventions . Your brows raised , as you saw , random numbers , and anitionals  with little side notes in brackets . The top one was just labelled as J.S? (good when told  ) . You decide to click on it , as a wave  of anxiety  hit you  , 

you saw a short line of blue and white message back a forth  as your eyes bluurd one the words as your eyes become glossed over . while your chest tightend and you colsaped onto the bed . You heart sank , and torn all at once while your head become dizzy . You read through the text to make sure , your eye wernt tricking you 

J.S : Ransom , baby where are you ? you promised       

                          R.D : ill be there soon iv just got to finish up over here first 

J.S :kk ill be waiting 😉😘

                          R.D : oh i know you will be ! 

you  shaking lifted your hand , and click on another , and another conversation , that were just as similair some that had when on longer others that were shorter . Some were similar , a thank you and telling him to call them back . 

A small tear trippled down your cheek ,as you read through the message , you were even be able to find your own somewhere between a 11 digets number and a ALICE ? (decent) 

And you , You were simple save as y/n (err okay ?)

you felt anger rage through you , as you shot up from your bed . 

***********************************************************************************

And thats where you found your self now , just finished collecting all off Ransom cloths and things that he has left over . Watching them burn in the sink , turn to ash as you add to the glowing  flames as you pour the vodka you were currently sipping on , over the fire .  You turned facing away the kitchen isle as you lifted your arm as rubbed your eyes over your silk rob smuging your mascara . 

you looked down towards the cake that you had brought . You honestly dont know why tho .But you couldnt help but star at its delicate white piping around the edge and the swirls . It was kind of funny how you saw your self  in a cake . You was kind of like it before Ransom , sweet , and elegant  and now you were this A girl crying over an arsehole burning his cloths , after finding out he had been cheating . But you were surprisingly okay with that 

But the temptation was to much , you held to much rage with in . That you couldnt help but ick up a knive and stab through the cake  imagining Ransom face . With a harsh bang crumes where flying everway .You could help but laugh at your self , as you  took out your frustrations at on a cake . 

your anger , mixed with vodka made your turn into a fit of gigles that echoed through the kitchen . It was until you heard the openoing of the front door , you stopped , your face dropped as you griped the knive harder . 

“ha babe , i left my ... what the fuck !”