#some little good things happened over the last couple days and im finally feeling it

[dykedragons]

good moment

[midnightfantasiez]

Twisted Love | 다섯 (chp. 5)

SUMMARY: you were certain that you would never find love nor ever lose your virginity throughout university, that is until a man named Lee Sangyeon came into the picture and offered to become your tutor; in exchange for keeping your grades up, and most importantly, teaching you everything you needed to know about sex. it was all just for fun & games, that is until one of you started to develop feelings for the other.

PAIRING: tutor!Sangyeon x afab!reader

GENRE: smut (18+ MDNI!!)

WARNINGS: sangyeon is a jerk 🤕 (but not for long), hakkie is the sweetest ever best friend we all need in life, arguments (reader causes a public scene), lots and LOTS of crying, self-doubt, cursing, slight thriller-ish at one scene so buckle up, kissing, shower sex, sexual tension, dirty talk, petnames (baby, princess), pussy rubbing, breast play, fingering, cum tasting, hair pulling, squirting (like a couple of times actually 😃), multiple orgasms, unprotected sex (again, pls be safe irl folks), p in v sex, slight manipulation, rough sex, teasing, some teasing & fluff towards the end

WORD COUNT: 5,579

A/N: and she is finally here!! im so sorry for not updating it for so long (irl has just been a wild ride for me pls understand 😭) yes it is the final chapter of the series, but do read till the very end for a surprise!! 👀

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You have no idea how many days have passed since you last stepped outside your apartment. 

The only thing keeping you sane is gobbling up your whole box of ice cream, which you’ve kept in the freezer for months and completely forgotten about until now. You were practically living on your bed, and you refused to step away from your comfort place other than to use the bathroom. 

If it wasn’t for Haknyeon keeping you alive, you were certain that you were going to rot away and not eat anything nutritious for weeks. He has been coming over every single day without fail—from keeping you company, cuddling while watching some Netflix, and just helping you out the best that he could.

You needed that, especially after what went down with Sangyeon. 

Haknyeon was the first person you had contacted when it all happened, and sure enough, he came rushing to the auditorium to find you curled up at the corners, screaming your lungs out. As much as he was tempted to go after Sangyeon and rip the hair off that man, he resisted the urge and decided to care for you first. 

He was able to help calm you down by bringing you to your favourite boba shop right after that. Then, he took you for a little walk in your local park for a good half an hour before he brought you back to your apartment. 

He got you undressed and even prepared a hot shower bath filled with your favourite lavender bath bombs—you were pretty used to that since you had showered multiple times with him as a kid. 

Everything else was a blur after that, and the next thing you knew, you were practically in bed for a week now. 

Sure, you weren’t going to sulk forever, and you couldn’t live on like this. You needed to get back up on your feet, but you didn’t know exactly how. 

That was until Haknyeon brought something up that set off all of the alarms in your head.

“I don’t know if I should be telling you all this, but I think you deserve to know that Sangyeon is leaving for Tokyo in two hours.” 

Your heart instantly stopped the moment you heard those words. You kept repeating it several times to make sure that you had gotten every single word right and that you weren’t hallucinating. 

Without much thought, you quickly grabbed your coat that was hanging by the hooks of your door and blotted out of your apartment. Instantly, you flagged down a cab that happened to pass by your area and told the driver to head straight to the airport as fast as possible.

Why exactly did you do that? Clearly, you were still upset and heartbroken with everything that happened with Sangyeon. 

The rush of adrenaline was the only thing that could explain the situation you were in. Slowly, your chest tightened, and there was this urge just to let it all out towards your tutor—well, ex-tutor, and also the one whom you have had pretty much spent most of your time with for the past semester. 

You needed to clarify something before he left, and there were so many unanswered questions that you felt had to be addressed before it was too late. 

What was supposed to be a half-hour drive from your apartment to the airport felt like six excruciating hours instead. By the time you arrived, you rushed straight through the gates, not caring that the staff were calling out to you to stop.

You only had one goal: find Sangyeon before it’s too late. 

You didn’t even bother looking at the huge screen that depicts which gate was boarded for Tokyo. You just ran through each one, scanning the crowd in hopes of finding the man you have longed to see. 

Sure enough, he was finally at the very last gate towards the end of the hall, carrying a huge backpack with his earbuds in his ears, following the crowd to start queuing to board the plane. 

As you finally calmed down and tried your best to catch your breath, you didn’t even bother waiting till your breathing had finally stabilised for you to scream at the top of your lungs, not caring if you had gotten the attention of almost everyone in the hall.

“You scumbag!!!” 

It took Sangyeon a few seconds to look around and see what was going on until his eyes landed upon you, and you were clearly talking to him. Soon, the rest of the passengers followed to focus their attention on you both—some even taking out their phones to record the entire commotion. 

“What the actual fuck was whatever happened back at the auditorium all about? You really think you’re so full ahead of yourself? Have you not ever considered that there’s more than just you in this whole agreement thing we had?” 

Sangyeon instantly shut his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. He knew that a conversation or even a confrontation about his actions back then would most certainly come to light one day. 

To be fair, it was his fault for leaving you on the edge and not explaining the whole situation properly before he made his final decision. Hell, he even left you confused and bawling your eyes out all alone back there, which was something he definitely felt guilty about.

But he didn’t know what to do or say. He felt that it was the best decision to make sure that he would no longer step further beyond the line you both have established: it’s all purely for business and not for pleasure. 

Unlucky for him, you did not reciprocate his feelings. 

With another deep breath, you continued your statement, filled with rage. “Did I not mean anything to you for the past several months? Did you treat me like I’m some sort of rag doll you can play with and toss away whenever you want to? I did my very best for you. I aced in all of my tests, and hell I even made sure that you were happy inside and out.”

With that last sentence, you finally felt your cheeks burning so hot to the point that you felt like you might faint any moment. But you had to press on, especially if you wanted to get things over and done with once and for all. 

“But have you ever checked up on me? Have you ever wondered if I felt the same way? Did you even bother caring and considering my well-being? Or my feelings regarding everything that happened?” 

There were so many moments where Sangyeon felt as if he could interject for a moment to give you his response, but you were not having any of that.

You didn’t need to hear anything from him. You just wanted to make sure that you were the one who was going to spit all the facts and shit into that wrecked mind of his. 

Just when you thought that things couldn’t get any better, tears began pouring out of your eyes, and your breathing became heavy and disrupted as you tried your best to choke back those tears. 

“Why did you even make me agree to all of these, Sangyeon? If you were just going to play with me like that,” you sobbed as you wiped your tears away with your sleeves.

At that moment, a couple of airport staff finally made their way towards you and kindly escorted you to somewhere you could sit down and relax for a bit before you were truly about to pass out from everything that had just happened.

Before you took a step forward to head towards the exit to the next terminal, you turned your head back to have one final glance at the male himself before muttering something under your breath.

“I wished we had never met, and I would never want to see your face ever again.”

A couple of days have passed since that fateful day, and it all felt like a fever dream to you.

The moment you returned to the comforts of your apartment, Haknyeon immediately rushed towards the front door to grab you in his arms before you finally passed out. When you awoke from your deep slumber, you had a little wet cloth on your forehead with a thermometer in your mouth, suggesting that your body was feeling a tad bit hotter than normal. 

Thanks to Haknyeon’s help, he was able to nurse you back to health, and the two of you decided to go about with your normal daily routine. It was finally winter break, so you kept yourself busy with all of the Christmas markets that were up and about throughout Seoul—going from booth to booth to try out all of the latest food trends that Haknyeon had desperately wanted to try since coming back to Korea.

Both of you had a lot planned for the upcoming semester: a more relaxed schedule since you were in senior year (which meant there were more individual study sessions for you both), getting a new part-time job to cover the uprising fees, and planning for the senior year’s graduation afterparty. 

You were grateful that Haknyeon’s schedule was more or less similar to yours and that it gave you both more than enough time to hang out after classes or even during the days when you both would go on with your part-time jobs.

Spending some time at the local pub after a long week would be the way to go for you two to destress and just party till dawn—just a little way to escape from all of the troubles from university. 

However, Haknyeon had just received a call from his family that he needed to get back as fast as he could to help out at the farm, so you decided to send him off at the airport.

You certainly felt a lot of mixed emotions here, and that was mainly why Haknyeon didn’t want you to come in the first place. 

But he should’ve known that you, as his best friend, was not going to say no. You insisted that you were going to see his plane take off, and then you would only return back home.

So he tried his best to make the most out of his time with you while waiting for his flight—finding the best matcha latte in all of the cafes to buying a tangerine plushie from one of the vending machines available throughout the airport (since he convinced you that you could hug it to sleep every night so that you wouldn’t miss him too much). 

Even till the boarding gates, your best friend wasn’t too sure about leaving you all alone back in Seoul, given the events that had happened for the past several weeks. As much as you kept telling him that you’ll be fine all on your own, he wasn’t convinced in the slightest bit.

In the end, the only reason you made him finally pack his bags to leave for the airport was that you promised to FaceTime him every day without fail and reply to his texts as much as possible.

I expect an answer within an hour! I should be your first priority amongst everyone else in your contacts!

Haknyeon kept repeating those words to make sure that you would always have your phone close so that he was certain that you were still alive and well. You gave him a smack on his back before pushing him forward to his line that was slowly boarding the plane.

Right after you both waved goodbye and witnessed the plane finally taking off for Jeju, you finally decided that all was well and it was time to head back. 

The first couple of days weren't too bad. Sure, it definitely felt way too empty and quiet without your loud best friend around, but calling him every day was reassuring, to say the least, that you were able to speak to someone. 

Unfortunately for both of you, Haknyeon soon discovered that he would be a lot busier than he expected, so the most that you both could do for the next few days was just texting one another during the night. There was no way you could blame him—he had to look after his family business, after all. 

However, that eerie silence was slowly creeping into you now, and the nightmares were slowly coming back to haunt you. 

Lee Sangyeon. 

As much as you tried your best not to think about every memory you’ve had with him, they just seem to come crawling back all the time for you. Even if you tried to keep yourself busy with something, that lingering feeling just doesn’t seem to go away in the slightest. 

Because frankly, you could still smell the scent of his cologne every night you slept in your bed. 

And you hated that. You hated so many memories you have gotten with your tutor throughout your entire living space. You could turn to the corners, and you would see you and Sangyeon cuddled up with a blanket.

Or you could turn to look at the couch, and you would picture yourself lying down while Sangyeon is hovering over you, showering you with kisses as a reward for essentially being his best student.

And of course, the bedroom. 

The place where the both of you would be so intimate with one another, the warmth of your bodies as he was pressed against you, and the way his tongue would twirl around yours. 

And that goddamn mango flavour that always lingers on his lips. 

You missed his presence so much. You missed how he would touch you, making you feel loved and safe. Most importantly, you missed all the aftercare he would give you after every session. 

Unbeknownst to you, tears were once again beginning to form at the corners of your eyes, and you quickly rubbed them and told yourself that you were no longer going to let him take control of your life.

You have finally let out everything you wanted to say straight to his face that day, and it was a chapter closed in your books. 

You figured that you probably needed some time away to figure things out and take a break from the bustling city. Instantly, you turned on your laptop and searched for the cheapest available hotels nearby, and you were able to snag the final cheapest room at one of the seaside apartments in Busan. 

It would be a much better place to relax before the new semester kicks off the next week, and you were ready to start anew this time. 

No more sex, and no more absurd contracts. 

With that, you added the bookings to your calendar before you prepared yourself a warm hot bath for the night. 

T-minus 2 days till a solo trip to Busan. 

It was the night before you were going to leave for Busan the next morning. You have sorted out the travel route that you were going to take to reach the city: walk to the nearby station at 5:30am, take the earliest train at 6am and arrive at Busan around 8:30am. 

It was that simple. And you were going to hunt for as much local food in town then. 

You figured that you’re just going to take a long, hot, steamy shower to give yourself that love and self-care for the night before your big trip the next day. So you went on with your normal routine: get in the shower, adjust it to the right temperature, and pump out some of your favourite cherry blossom scented shampoo- 

Thud. 

Suddenly, your entire body froze as you clearly heard the sound coming from the front door. Half of you began to panic, but the other half was anticipating whoever had just entered your apartment. 

If this were anyone else, they probably would’ve freaked out and thought that there was an intruder in the comforts of their home, which would be a fair enough point since it would be alarming to hear that someone had entered your apartment when you knew that you weren’t supposed to be expecting any visitors for the day. 

But your apartment complex had pretty strict security checkpoints, and nobody was allowed to enter on their own and would require you to register them at least a couple of hours before their arrival. The only ones who would be able to pass through with ease without your approval would be those you have registered in the database as “close visitors”. 

The only plausible explanation was that Haknyeon had somehow finished up all of his tasks in Jeju and was going to surprise you with his well-known pork bellies that he had harvested from his farm. Your best friend would always bring back goodies for you after all. 

Taking in a deep breath, the face of horror quickly vanished from your face. You plastered the biggest smile you could possibly get and peered your head out from the curtains in your shower.

“Haknyeon, what did I say about giving me surprises-”

God. 

This can’t be real. Well, it couldn’t be. 

Supposedly, he was gone for good, and you have vouched that you will never see him again. And if you ever did, you wouldn’t want anything to do with him anymore.

But you should’ve known that after spending the past several months together most of the time, he would’ve been registered in the database as he would often visit almost four to five days a week. 

Instead, the male stares back at you with slightly puffy eyes, suggesting he is in a horrible state as you were a week ago. Gently, he finally mumbled a few words and gave you these puppy eyes that you had always found absolutely hard to resist.

“Can I join you?” 

You just kept your mouth shut. You couldn’t say anything then, and who could’ve blamed you? You were still trying to process the entire situation that was happening right before your eyes while trying your best to not let your emotions get the best out of you. Instead, you duck your head behind the curtains, letting the waters drench your hair as you stare at your bathroom floor.

The male instantly took the silent response as a yes, and you could hear him unbuckling his belt and slowly undressing himself by tossing his clothing all over the floor before slowly pulling the curtains apart and joining you in the shower. 

There was this awkward silence and tension between you two before the male decided to gently place one of his hands on the right side of your shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze that made you heave a loud sigh. 

“Y/N…”

No response from you. How could you have said anything? After everything you have said to him at the airport and how you have curled up in bed crying your eyes out for the past several weeks. 

You could hear that the male himself was just as conflicted as you were, especially as you could feel his left hand trembling ever so slightly as he placed it on your left shoulder. 

“I know you probably don’t want to hear my voice, nor would you ever want to see me again. But please, let me do it one last time. At least, let me make things right one more time before it’s too late.” 

You scoffed. “Too late? Haven’t you already ruined everything from the start? In fact, you even have the audacity to show up here again after all that you’ve done?” 

“I know it just doesn’t sit right with me, and this horrible guilt is eating me out, and I can’t bear to think what would happen if I just leave it as it is,” he whispered, and he slowly lowered his head to the point you could feel his breath on your neck. 

This can’t be good, and you embraced yourself for what was to come.

And it turns out that your instinct was right. 

Slowly, he brushed his lips against your wet skin before leaving a trail of kisses from your shoulders and up to your neck. As much as you tried to glue your mouth shut, the heavy breathing definitely gave it away which made him increase the pressure he was exerting as he began sucking your skin. 

No. You promised that you wouldn’t be carried away any more. You were done with making outs and sex, even with other guys out there if you were ever stuck in one. 

At that moment, you hated the fact that deep down, you still craved his touch, and you absolutely missed this so badly. Internally, you want to moan out loud about not wanting him to stop or tell him that he could go on, but you weren’t ready to say it straight to his face. 

Again, he took the silence as a cue to move on, and he moved his hands down to cup your breasts and gave them a little massage. You tilt your head back slightly as you glued your eyes shut, fighting against all the odds going through your head. 

Maybe you shouldn’t have done that because the next thing you knew, he was slowly snaking one of his hands down to your clit, and he began rubbing them gently. With that, your consciousness finally decides to fail you, and you elicit a soft moan as you mumbled his name for the first time in weeks. 

“S-Sangyeon…” 

Just like that, he knew there was a possible gateway to make things right, and he could perhaps talk things out with you. Using what he knew best to take control of your mind and body, he used the hand that was still on your breast to pull your hair back slightly and crash his lips onto yours. 

That was it. It was the favourite flavour you loved so much every time you locked your lips together. 

You wanted more, and this time you were going to make sure that you were going to devour every last drop of it from his lips. Naturally, one of your hands started moving straight up into his hair, tugging it slightly as you pushed your tongue into his mouth, both having a little tug of war to see who would exert their dominance best. 

As he quickened up his pace by rubbing your clit, you moved your remaining free hand to the back to rest it on his cock, stroking it up and down which caused the male to moan into the feverish kiss you both were having. 

Neither of you was backing down, and you prefer to keep it that way. You were going to show him that you wouldn’t give in easily, and so did he. 

It didn’t take long for you both to start panting as you felt that you were about to reach your climax. So when you both finally came and squirted on each other’s hands respectively, Sangyeon responded with a final kiss before turning you around to pin you against the wall before bending down to lick all of the remaining liquids that were flowing down your thighs. 

Immediately, he takes one of your thighs to rest it on his shoulders so that he is able to gain more entry to your clit—sticking up his tongue into your g-spot as he moves in and out quickly. 

At this point, you can no longer control the moans you have held back for so long, and the entire bathroom is filled with so much more than just the sound of running water from your shower head.

Pulling his hair with both of your hands, only turned Sangyeon on more as he inserts two fingers into your pussy, making a knot form in your stomach, indicating that you’re about to cum anytime soon. 

“Y-You’re so…you don’t deserve any of this- AH!!!” 

God, you were squirting so much more than you did before. You always knew that he was the best at pleasuring you orally, but the moment he stood up and pushed your thighs against the wall, you knew that the worst was yet to come. 

The sad-filled eyes from before were replaced with lust, and you stared at him blankly while trying your best to catch your breath. But before you could think of a comeback in your dazed state, Sangyeon places his tip against your clit and starts rubbing it to give you some time to mentally prepare yourself before he pushes it all the way in. 

“Y/N…I miss you so bad,” he panted before pushing it all the way up that instantly made you shed a tear from that motion, giving you a little time to adjust as he gently gave you a little peck on the lips to assure you that everything was going to be okay. 

When your breathing has finally calmed down, he begins his pace slowly, pushing it in and out while you slowly take in his length. 

As all of this was going on, the tears that you had desperately tried your best to hold back began streaming down your face—definitely making it look a lot more dramatic with the warm, hot shower dripping down your face at the same time.

“Y-You don’t love me, Sangyeon…you really don’t…this is all a lie…” You panted in between thrusts as you muttered those words. 

And god, did they sting. 

“How can you be so sure?” He asked while fucking you deep.

“Y-You just- want my body- nothing more-” 

“I wouldn’t have dropped and ditched everything I had in Tokyo if that was the case,” he firmly said it out loud and clear, causing you to finally open your eyes wide to look at the male as he paused, thrusting in and out of you. 

Slowly, he caresses your cheeks, wipes away the tears that were streaming down uncontrollably, and looks at you rather lovingly, if that was the best way to describe the look he has on his face right now. 

It doesn’t seem like he was joking around, and it reminded you so much of when the both of you would end up cuddling on your bed and couch, taking the time to kiss one another slowly, as if neither of you were willing to let go. 

“Y/N, I was a coward. I loved you from the start when we first agreed to this whole contract we had. I was a jerk for not admitting my feelings, or rather—choosing to ignore them instead. My past relationship traumatised me, and I wasn’t sure if you felt the same about me, and I was scared to receive another rejection in life.”

Now that was something you had not expected to hear from your ex-tutor. Him falling for you first before you did? It was crazy to think that all this while you were the one who was in this whole one-sided love affair throughout the whole agreement you both had. 

There was no way. More specifically, you couldn’t accept it. You had to make sure.

“Y-You like me? But I’m just an ordinary university student who knows nothing about sex  and all-”

He shuts you up with another kiss. “The best companion and lover, you mean.”

“B-But why? I’m sure your past girlfriend was a lot more prettier and better and of course more knowledgeable than I ever will be-” 

“Y/N. You are the reason why I think that Seoul isn’t as bad as it was. You’re the reason that has made me the happiest man out there for the past several months. You’re the reason that made me decide that it was worth finding love again. Most importantly, you made me realise how much I actually love you and want you all to myself.” 

You sniffled. “And you think by having sex with me is going to prove all of that?”

He chuckles for a bit before pinching your now red puffy cheeks. “From now on, all of our sexual acts together will not be in vain, and it’ll be something intimate and ones that we will cherish as genuine lovers.” 

That was more than enough to give you the reassurance that you needed. All of these were the words that you desperately wanted to hear, and now that you have gotten them, you are the happiest human being that you could possibly be out there. 

“Well then, mister-know-it-all, give me everything you’ve got,” you mocked, trying to go back to the bickering phase you both once shared back then.

That instantly put a smile back on Sangyeon’s face, but that slowly faded into a smirk instead, turning him on as you challenged the male. “Oh I will, baby. Just like how you used to scream for my name until the entire apartment is filled with your cries and moans.”

Right as he finished his last sentence, Sangyeon pushed his cock back into you and decided that you had more than enough time to take in all of his length and size. The more you tilt your head back and how loud your moans have been increasing, the more he wants to push it in deeper till your legs become all numb.

“God- Sangyeon- Please-” 

“Tell me, baby. Tell me what you want-” he panted. 

“Cum inside…please make me cum…” you pleaded. 

“Beg for me then. Tell me how much you want me.”

Lord, you forgot how cocky he could get when he’s high in all of this. 

“I want you so bad! Please, please make me cum!” You screamed at the top of your lungs. 

That was more than enough to please him for now, and he finally picked up his pace even faster than before, trying his best to reach his climax. It didn’t take that long for you both to come together, slowly catching your breaths as you both came down from your high. 

With that, he lifts up your chin and makes you look straight into his eyes, signalling to you that he has won the game. On the other hand, you were not going to give in so easily. 

If he thinks he is back in my good graces, then he’s completely wrong. 

Making him catch off guard; you were the one who pushed him back against the wall—this time creeping up onto him with this horrible smirk on your face.

“You want it good, Mr. Lee Sangyeon? I’ll show you who’s a much more dominant figure in this relationship. Clearly, you made the wrong choice to come back to me.”

It had been a good ten minutes since the whole chaos unfolded back in your bathroom, and now you were all cosy and snuggled up in bed, Sangyeon cuddling you as if you were like his favourite plushie from his childhood.

He couldn’t stop planting kisses on your forehead and sniffing the cherry blossom shampoo you had just used to wash your hair, hugging you tighter each minute passed.

“Sangyeon, I won’t run away; you know that, right? So stop suffocating me before I elbow you in the stomach.”

“Now, that isn’t the nicest thing to say to the guy who gave you a nice, soothing bath.”

“Correction, you ruined my lone shower routine.” 

“But you wanted me so badly you didn’t even reject my touch, didn’t you?” He smirked.

“Oh my god, since when did you become so annoying?” You ruffled his hair as payback, but it turned out it was the wrong move because the next thing that happened, he pushed you down onto your bed, turned you around, and made you look straight up at him as he hovered over you while pinning your arms right above your head. 

“Say that again, princess. I didn’t seem to hear you the last time you said those few last words,” he growled as if he was challenging and pushing you to your limits.

But you have made up your mind and said your true thoughts back in the bathroom, so you pushed him when he wasn’t looking for a split second to turn the tables around, to the point that you were sitting on top of him. 

“Remember what I said back there? Mr. Lee Sangyeon? You clearly made the wrong move when you decided to book that flight from Tokyo back to Seoul,” you said firmly as you began lifting his shirt to reveal his well-toned abs as you slowly glided your hands up and down.

He chuckled, enjoying this little act you have going on. “So am I back in your good graces, sweetheart?” 

You narrowed your eyes at him before a smirk was plastered across your face, completely removing his shirt as you threw it straight to the floor and leaned down to whisper into his ear.

“If you’re able to moan and scream my name out loud this time, then I’ll consider reigniting our contract once again.”

You should’ve known for not testing his limits on how much he would always seem to have a comeback for every single remark you tried to make because what he said next was enough to keep your mouth shut as he began taking a strand of your hair and twirled it around his fingers. 

“Fuck the stupid contract, I’m all yours now, baby.”

A/N: and that's a wrap!! im so happy with this sangyeon series & thank you all again for 100+ followers (reaching 200 soon yay!!) big shoutout to my besties @daisyvisions @aimeecarreros @snowflakewhispers for giving me ideas, supporting me, and all the encouragement & very necessary dirty talk to motivate me to keep on going 🤠 (esp elena for beta reading from the start till the end!!) 🩷

before we get the tissues out for being sad, nuh-uh the series is not the end yet. bcs i love it way too much (and sangyeon obv) im def planning to write a couple of bonus chapters in the future!! so theres def some short stories coming soon (i don't have a clear schedule update bcs of my irl work, but i guarantee you that i will try my best to upload it whenever i can!!)

again, thank you thank you for joining me for this series!! 😘🫶

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[somebluemelodies]

SPIDERBIT WEEK hosted by @smallchaoscryptid !! day six: coffee | nautical IM FINALLY BACK !! i know mer au won my poll from a while back so this is kinda a double whammy? spiderbit week AND poll fic :D

For a while, Roier wonders if he’s ever gonna see the deepsea mer ever again. When he doesn’t see him the night after their initial meeting, he’s worried that the Feds may have gotten to the mer after all, and it pains him more than he cares to admit aloud.

But it’s not the last time. In fact, it happens multiple times, to the point where they have a weird schedule of sorts to meet every third day or so.

Communicating isn’t the easiest, with only Roier able to actually talk, but they make do, and he’s getting a real good hold of asking ‘yes or no’ questions or anything else that permits him to learn more about the deepsea mer.

Except for one thing. The mer’s name.

The mer can understand nearly everything Roier says, but he can’t write it. He can only write in his own strange mer-tongue, which is a series of characters that sends the pirate into a deeper confusion the more he tries to make sense of it.

For a little while, Roier contemplates giving the merman a name himself, but that feels a little unfair to the mer. He has a name, after all.

However, his mouth running faster than his mind produces a nickname, gatinho, as a result of staring at the mer for a little too long and getting lost in his eyes. Thankfully, though, the mer doesn’t seem to mind it, and Roier even swears it makes the creature blush. But that sounds like crazy talk, so he tries not to dwell on it.

Nevertheless, the nickname stays. If only because it’s… well… the truth.

(Mostly. He’s a mer, not a cat. Scales and no legs, not fur and four legs.)

(But God, if he isn’t the prettiest being Roier has ever seen.)

A couple weeks or so after their first initial meeting, Roier is sitting on the flattest rock closest to the water, the mer half out of the water in front of him with his arms resting on the rock. A routine, of sorts. Either here, or the cave.

“So, gatinho,” the pirate starts. “I need to figure out your name. We have to find some way. Because I can’t keep calling you gatinho forever.”

(But he’d certainly like to.)

The deepsea mer tilts his head slightly and shrugs, as if to say, “I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

“What? You like the name, huh?”

A pause, followed by a slow nod. Roier grins. “No mames, wey, this guy likes being called pretty. Like a cat. Are you sure you’re not a cat? I think you’re a cat in disguise.”

The mer looks borderline offended, trying to reach over and slap him. But the pirate pushes back, out of reach, smile growing with a laugh. “You’re swatting like a cat! Holy shit, man, I was right. I’m friends with a fucking cat. A catfish. No mames.”

There’s a growl of sorts from the merman, who definitely looks like he’s blushing now - focus, focus, focus, stop looking at him like that - and shoots up out of the water before Roier has a chance to properly react.

Next thing he knows, he’s flat on his back against the rock, and there’s a solid weight on top of him, two almost-glowing blue eyes staring him down.

(A small part of Roier wonders if he should be afraid right now. He’s seen the sharp teeth and fingers. This mer could theoretically kill him in a heartbeat. Right here, right now.)

(But he’s not afraid, God only knows why. No, he’s… no, no. Enough.)

Roier tries to mask the way his cheeks are rapidly warming up with an accomplished, shit-eating laugh. “Calma, gatinho, calma.”

The deepsea mer huffs, shaking his head before a small smile crosses his face despite himself. He leans down to really shove Roier’s shoulder, but makes no effort yet to get off.

(Not that Roier minds.)

More laughter, and then a lull, and their eyes meet again. Roier becomes acutely aware of just how close they actually are. The mer is staring at him in a way he can’t quite decipher, and it makes him increasingly nervous.

(A look of wonder. Awe.)

(The mer sees the same exact look in those dark eyes.)

The pirate tries to play it off, like his heart isn’t about to beat out of his chest and like his thoughts aren’t circling around the fact that if he sits up enough, their lips could brush. Connect. “See something you like, gatinho?”

The mer also seems to finally realize their current position, and with wide eyes, pushes himself off and all but dives back into the water. Roier kicks himself in the ass for mourning the loss of contact.

For a few moments, as the merman doesn’t surface, he wonders if he’s fled for the night, and starts to feel a little guilty for his teasing.

But then there’s movement, and he watches the deepsea mer breach the surface again, blowing out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “Sorry, sorry. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable or anything.”

The mer shakes his head. It’s okay.

(He did see something he liked.)

"Roier!"

The pirate's head whips around, seeing a silhouette in the far distance.

"Oh, shit-- that's Jaiden. I gotta go." He turns back to the mer. "Three days? And I will learn your name, gatinho."

The deepsea mer nods, and three things happen in succession.

One. The mer leaves him a piece of sea glass, a red one.

Two. He hesitates, then hoists himself onto the rock to press a kiss to Roier's cheek.

Three. He dives back into the water without looking back, disappearing in a fleeting glint of deep emerald and leaving Roier to touch his cheek in surprise.

"Roier!" Jaiden calls again, running over to him. "There you are! What're you doing out here?"

Roier clears his throat, willing his cheeks to cool down despite the darkness surrounding them. His best friend was eerily observant sometimes. "I was just... collecting sea glass. See? Look at this piece I found!" He picks up the piece, standing up to show her.

Jaiden looks at it before back to him, her brow quirking ever-so-slightly. "O...kay? Since when do you do that?"

"It's given me something to do recently."

She studies him another moment, trying to decipher the truth. If she doesn't believe him, she doesn't say it. Instead, she says, "fair. But I came to bring you back to the ship, c'mon."

They walk in a comfortable silence for a bit, until she speaks up again. "Y'know, I haven't seen much sea glass around here. You must have some awfully good luck; I see the little pile on the box beside your hammock."

Roier opens his hand, looking at the translucent red treasure as icy eyes infiltrate his mind, the ghost of lips warming his cheek. "Sí. Something like that."

[6okuto]

Heyy hope you re having a good day ♡

Im loving your writing and I was wondering if you have any HCs for Vere? 😳🥺

VERE HCS 3

gn!reader | ! he's back again :3

if you're decorating the house for any holidays, vere won't be excited to help put things up, but will go shopping and has strong opinions. like, Strong opinions. honestly this holds up for any time outside of the holidays too

amused when you complain about his fur on your clothes. you ask if he really has to lie his tail right on your shirts that you've left on the bed and he says yes. you Must buy a lint roller! or whatever the equivalent is in TS!

always loves to shit on cheesy movies. watches a christmas romcom and calls the main girl an idiot for picking the village childhood friend guy or whatever. like what are you doing

if you ever asked if he wanted to meet your parents...i don't even know what he'd do. i don't think he'd know what to do. if it's super important to you, he'd do it, but he's genuinely frazzled because he never thought this would happen to him. somebody get him a top that isn't sheer...unless your parents are super chill?

pretty signature :3 ? always picks a pen over a pencil when given the option

y'know how mc wears bandages instead of gloves. yeah. i feel like he'd be one of the first LI's to be like . what's your issue just get gloves. That or the LI in dead last because he wanted to see how long it took for you to be like maybe bandages aren't effective. it could go either way at this point

casual physical touch! sits a little closer to you than he has to in a room of people. when he's bored and half-listening to what's going on, he fiddles with the hem of your clothes, or, in a world where he can touch you, your fingers. if he catches you not paying attention, he gets super close and rests his chin on your shoulder and smiles before asking what's going on in that pretty little head of yours

vere's eyes flicker over to you if you initiate some casual physical touch, but doesn't stop you. he might tease you, but that's just...vere. he'll be quiet about you resting your head on his shoulder, and won't move unless he has to.

for cuter affection like...randomly holding and peppering kisses on his face....the first couple of times he's like what the hell. caught off guard and his hands automatically come to hold onto your wrists, maybe scowls a little if you're doing it to embarrass him. but if he's feeling a little softer and you've been together for a while, he lets you and looks amused while you do it his tail wags a little when he asks if you're enjoying yourself—maybe he even says he thinks you missed a spot

if you're someone who isn't one to make (as many) sexual innuendos like him, if you start doing it, he's totally gonna pick up on it. like, immediately. says he's finally rubbing off on you. sooo fucking entertained if you do it to the others. he's straight up grinning at leander's shock from next to you.

distracts you from your problems before you can even bring them up. he's quick to pick up on when you're feeling bad, whether that's just being tired, or insecure, or frustrated etc. he comes up with some excuse of some show tonight, so go put on a nice outfit and join him. he needs to do some chores, and you wouldn't make him go alone, would you? he'll be a little more affectionate, pick up your favourite foods, 'accidentally' pass by that one store you love and if you're already here, you might as well go in—he knows you want to.

[prince-liest]

Your last 666 series installment is the best thing that happened to me. Its full of gore, somehow fluffy and wait-.. do I finally see some FRICKING COMUNICATION between the two idiots!?!?!

Ngl, Vox's 'Alastor not being able to love' statement hurt my soul. Your writing is brilliant and and let's just see what ending ya wro-..O MA LORD IS THAT VAL'S LOVE POTION!?!?!?!?

Now I need to know what's next!!!! And VOX I SWEAR IF U USE THIS SITUATION IN ANY WAY IM GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE.

This series is a blast♡ love it!♡ makes me weirdly passionate and excited hah!

Some communication, and some communication failure, hahaha. They're going to be talking a lot more in the next one, actually, because I meant to write some NSFW and they had to go and attempt a healthy conversation instead. What can you do.

Thank you so much, I'm delighted that you're enjoying! :D

And: Way more anon asks about the latest 666 getting answered under the cut! <3 I combined a bunch from the last couple of days.

prince, I'm going insane over the latest fic. so we know from Alastor's inner monologue that he knows the roofie was an accident, but considering the super stressful situation, the fact that Vox was the one to ask for a kiss and the fact that Alastor accused him of wanting instead of loving him not a few minutes ago…. makes me wonder if Vox might not be at least a little worred that Alastor might think it was on purpose <3 gonna be rotating this in my head for the foreseeable future - ✨

I am so glad that these things are on y'all's minds, hahaha. Because you can bet they are on mine. >:D And THANK YOU, very pleased to be dragging everyone down into insanity with me.

“Should I stitch together the scars your teeth left in me in a mirror of my own signature on your body.” Fucking. POETRY. 🐈‍⬛

I am always so happy when I write shit like this and instead of everyone pointing at me and going, "Look, what an EDGELORD!" the response is you people being VERY nice and leaning into the feelsy fun! 💛

holy moly ??? i love the new 666 addition aaaah 😭🙏 the trials and tribulations of feeling scorned and ghosted by a loser who confessed his love to you and the next time you see him he’s holding your LITERAL heart in his hands by alastor ! OMFG this was too good esp the part where vox is like “bro why do YOU CARE ?? i thought you didn’t love me huh?” and alastor is like well. maybe i.do. 😐 LIKE CMONN this really played out like some soap drama and i loved the neat details on resuscitative thoroctomy (learned a new word too so double bonus) the fact vel was on the line w her and val’s apparent surgeon for val’a little ‘incidents ??? GOLDEN I SAYY hope we see more of ur oc … 🫣🫣 btw ofc vox would love to an end an argument with a kiss OF FUCKING COURSE HE WOULD 😭 thank u sm for this chapter princeliest my dear <3 hope life is treating u well too !! -🦌

Vox is ahead of Alastor in terms of effective in-the-moment conflict resolution, but goddamn if he isn't fucked up in his own fun little ways. They're so not done with most of these issues, but at least they're on they're way to maybe be able to have a real conversation about them!

You know. If they chose to do that kind thing. Instead of whatever they will probably do instead.

Anyway, THANK YOU!! I had a great deal of fun writing this chapter and digging into some of the issues that have been slowly collecting underneath the surface of kinky radiostatic, so I'm happy you guys are enjoying as well!! :D

AS FOR MY OC... I WILL POST ABOUT THEM SOON. I LOVE THEM A LOT AND IT EXCITES ME THAT PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW MORE OF THEM. Tysm for asking Q^Q

Just read the new addition to the 666 verse, and inside of me are two wolves: The first is saying: Immaculate, artistry of the highest form. We finally get Alastor’s own confrontation with his vulnerability and him trying to figure out what exactly the relationship with Vox means to him. Cannot wait for how this all is going to develop. The other part of me: THE BREADCRUMBS WORKED THE MUSE IS WRITING!!! Followed by this image (since tumblr won’t let me attach it while being anonymous) https://i.redd.it/hx2shk642vs71.jpg -🕊️

LMAO THAT PIC. Amazing, flawless, thank you. The breadcrumbs DEFINITELY worked, please keep feeding. Digging into Alastor's shit is bringing me life and I'm happy to share it, hahaha. We're swinging even harder on the introspection in the next one!

As a sucker for medical gore and aroace angst, I lack the words to express my love and appreciation for your most recent installment of 666, but your writing of radiostatic's dynamic was captivating and proved to be such a lovely read as always! I loved that you touched on Alastor's relationships with the women around him as that has always been such an interesting aspect of his character to me! I never really put much thought into how Vox's apparent avoidance of Alastor in the show could mirror Alastor's disappearance, and now it will Not leave my mind. My heart hurts for these two dorks, super looking forward to chapter 2!

"Medical gore and aroace angst" should be the title of my memoir. Honestly, this series has ended up a lot more edgy-bloody than I expected it to, since I usually tend to prefer to portray my whump/angst/violence/etc in a much more roundabout way, but it's actually kinda tipped over into, like... part of the point is how banal it is, how beside the point. The upsetting heavy-hitting bits aren't the blood, they're everything else that goes on around it. Anyway, thank you so much! <3 I think your heart will find some relief in chapter two, haha, I hope you enjoy!!

Meanwhile alastor, completely convinced that there’s no situation where vox actually loves him and is happy with the way things are—either vox wants more and is going to start asking for more, or he doesn’t actually love him and just wants to have sex with him and thus either way he is a Liar. They’re so fucking bad at this. No one is capable of being the adult here. I think they need an auspitice.

It's really funny that you said that, because that is kind of exactly the role that [spoiler] ends up playing, though in a more roundabout way, hahaha. They certainly need someone to, like, get them to be having the same conversation with each other instead of two parallel ones. I think the fun thing about writing Alastor reacting to his own feelings is just how much his reaction can change based on how things are framed for him, and it leaves a lot of wiggle room for how differently I've ended up writing him reacting to the season 1 finale in 666 vs in Happily Ever After, and Other Shit Nepotism Can't Buy.

But, god, you really nailed the description of what Alastor is feeling. <3

Vox in the latest 666, my ENTIRE HEART. Literally nothing about how he read the situation was a bad take or a leap to conclusions, but alastor constantly says the opposite of what he means and refuses to admit vulnerability or friendship and what the hell else was vox meant to do with that, of course he backed off, they need to have this talk so badly

YES, PRECISELY! Like, I hope it came through that really neither of them was completely crazy to react the way they did! It's a result of how much of their communication has been nonverbal, implied, and talking around things - they'd been doing so well up until this point, but there's only so far that can take you before you start thinking that you're on the same page when really you're reading two completely different books! Thank you sm! <3

‘But I am capable,” Alastor says gently. “I love you very much.” Vox gapes up at him. “...I. Fuck you.” His voice is tight, strained. “I don’t fucking believe you.” Alastor feels his smile thin. “Well. That’s just dandy, then, isn’t it?”’ I AM NOT OK GOING FUCKING FERAL

Probably one of my favorite lines to write, ehehehe. THANK YOU ANONNNN <3 It's kinda interesting to see how differently some people read this. Some folks thought Alastor was saying it to hurt Vox (which is how Vox read it). Some folks thought it was true (how Alastor intended it). Some folks thought Alastor was trying to fit into the mold that he thought Vox wanted from him (how I intended it). All of them make sense as readings! >:)

[sku11s1asher]

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

cedric diggory x male reader

FEM DNI (or you’ll be blocked)

this was a one night stand thing so the reader doesn’t really show much emotion during their time w/ him. also, im very mad i had to rewrite almost everything because tumblr kept deleting it.

3/24/23 edit : WHY DIDNT NO ONE TELL ME THAT IT WASNT POSTED FULLY ?!?!!

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

You and your friend R/N were getting ready for a party. You might’ve been taking too long as your friend was currently rushing you, “Please Y/N! You don’t have to take all day to get ready for a party that’s going to last like two hours.” You rolled your eyes at them, “Look, I don’t know about you but tonight is my night. I need to have some stress relief.” You heard a sigh before your friend plopped back on your bed.

Once you finally finished getting ready, you looked in the mirror, “I don’t know, this outfit-” “Oh my fucking god.” Your friend dragged you, they do not want to deal with your indecisiveness. You both left the dorm and headed to your car, “Since I decided to invite you to this party and stuff, I should be able to use the aux!” Your friend smugly said. “Right… if that’s so, have fun walking to the party.”

As soon as you and your friend got out of the car, you both got hit with a strong smell of alcohol. “Who’s party is this?” You asked them to which they shrugged their shoulders and replied, “I don’t know, I just heard about it.” You rolled your eyes, “What if we get killed here?” Your friend gave you a side hug, “At least we’d die together.”

════

Shortly after that, your friend left with some person. After dancing for a bit you decided to grab a drink, unknown to you that someone was following you. You took a sip of your water and turned around to someone in your face. “Hey, pretty boy,” He smiled at you. You let out a small laugh, “Hi, handsome.”

“You had some good moves back there, you should show me a little more.” He smirked. You smiled, “What’s your name?” “Cedric.” “Well Cedric, I’d love to show you some more moves.” You said as you grabbed his hand. He said a quick ‘follow me’ and took you to a room. As soon as the door closed and locked it, he took off his shirt and sat on the bed patting his lap.

“You sure are eager.” You said to him as you took off your shirt, “Why wouldn’t I? Who wouldn’t love a personal dance from someone as beautiful as you?” Cedric replied. You sat on his lap and kissed his neck, you could tell he easily gets aroused since all you did was give him a small kiss.

════

After some making out, grinding, and all that good stuff, you both decided you couldn’t wait any longer. He took off both of y’all’s pants, once he got yours off he started giving you small kisses here and there. “Did you prepare yourself at all before this?” He asked. “Yeah, I was hoping for something like this to happen.” He let out a slight laugh, “God, you are more of a slut than I am.”

He had your head shoved into a pillow as he was shoving his cock inside of you, “You feel so nice inside.” He whispered into your ear. Once he was fully in, he didn’t waste any time before he started pounding into you. You might’ve had a lot of other one-night stands but, this was one of the best so far. Your moans were muffled, but even if they weren’t, the party would’ve been too loud to hear them anyways. “You are taking me so well, princess-“ he couldn’t even finish his sentence before cutting himself off with a groan.

He pulled out for a quick second to flip you over, “Damn- I’m getting close-“ he moaned out. You really couldn’t comprehend what he was saying as you were in cloud nine but, what you did know was you were about to cum. He took your cock into his hand to jack you off, soon after you came, he did too. After a couple minutes he slowly pulled out, throwing the condom into the trash next to the bed.

He calmed himself down before giving your chest a pat, “That was nice, maybe we could do it another time.” That was the last you heard from him as he got up and left. Once you were able to get your brain right, you threw on your clothes and grabbed your friend before they could go in a room with someone else.

“Is it time to go?” They asked. “Yeah, it’s getting late and I’m tired, plus I just had some amazing sex.” On the way back to your dorm, you and your lovely friend talked about what y’all did at the party, laughing at each other. You both were total sluts but, it’s okay.

════

thanks for the request, i’ve never watched Harry Potter, so sorry if i made any mistakes.

@weepingsandwichenemy

[thosesillylittlegayghosts]

FINALE THOUGHTS

DO NOT START IT WITH THEM CRYING HOW AM I MEANT TO DEAL

well there goes my one last night theory

Just because it’s over doesn’t mean its really over and if I think it over maybe-

Actually just kill me off it would hurt less HIS VOICE

NOT THE FISH FUCK OFF

they’re bestie goals i adore them also im sorry but the song being called perfect movie scene and them two looking like they’re in a rom com (from far away) will actually be the death of me

Fuck she’s wearing purple again and he’s wearing beige

SIMON PLS I WANT TO WRAP YOU IN A BLANKET YOU DESERVE SOME COMFORT

damn okay Sara admitting Simon’s right??? NO don’t call yourself stupid you’re finally getting the recognition you deserve

Them having their lesson outside is so real it’s my favourite thing about summer

AHHHH I WAS SO RIGHT THEYRE CLOSING HILLERSKA

SEVERAL WARNINGS

Vincent fuck off fuck off fuck off. Nils please defend him

NO THEYRE GONNA BLAME FELICE AND WILHELM

NOT NILS AND WILHELM YELLING AT EACH OTHER YOU GET ALONG

not August crying

Omg omg he just pulled a Queen Kristina he did what she did is this foreshadowing cause now he’s having a mental breakdown???

Stella and Fredricka get together whilst comforting each other??

Nah I actually love the third years having a group hug that’s amazing

And Henry and Walter talking to their parents (?) but still being together it’s so cute to see all their little favourites

Oh it’s so gonna end at the end of term, hillerskas closing and Simon’s moving away so they’re having like one last day together all of them

Wilhelm you’re killing me here

Has his room changed? I swear he used to have one window

NOT KRIS

NEON PARTY NEON PARTY

Not Vincent and nils calling him out

VINCENT YOURE ACTUALLY TALKING SOME SENSE FOR ONCE

okay so Augusts gonna back out and then Wille can threaten to do whatever he wants

AHHH TALK TO HIM THROUGH THE BOOKCASE WILLE GO ON

noooo they’re both returning crisis

HES WEARING PURPLE

HENRY FUCK OFF

NOOOO HE WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING

okay maybe my one night theory wasn’t entirely off…

Not the housemaster doing shots with them??? No wonder the schools getting shut down

Yes Wilhelm Felice besties era again!!!

LOVE OF MY LIFE AHH

no he thinks he’s gonna kill his mum

HOW DID SHE HIDE A WHOLE BOTTLE OF WINE??

PARTY PRINCE RETURN OF THR PARTY PRINCE TITLE

not her hiding the wine Felice I love you

I love all these people so much man

Alexa play closure by Henry Moodie

HE DID THE THING THE THING WITH THE GRASS

REVOLUTION?!?!!

ERIK WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU NO MATTER WHAT

theyre near tears so im near tears

PLEASE SARA YOURE MEANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH HIM WHAT DO YOU MEAN STRONGER FEELINGS

they’re bestie goals and couple goals and I’ve never really shipped them but honestly I could be convinced-this all happening where they first became friends is just too much

Stella I had hopes for you man

NILS YOU HAVE….??? I seriously thought he was gonna say I have feelings for you

AH HE CAME OUT AND THEYRE ACTUALLY SUPPORTIVE AND ACTUALLY ACTING LIKE FRIENDS I LOVE IT

God he’s so in love HA REJECTED AT LEAST HE APOLOGISED

military service he’s doing military service now?

I CALLED THIS WEEKS AGO THAT THEYD GET BACK TOGETHER THEN SHED REJECT HIM BUT THE LAST EPISODE TRICKED ME

I LOVE YOU ITLL PASS FUCK OFF WHY ARE YOU BRINGING UP THAT TRAUMA RN?!

ONE LAST NIGHT TOGETHER I WAS SO RIGHT

OMG THE LAKE SCENE NOT THE LAKE SCENE

NOT IT TAKES A FOOL TO REMAIN SCENE THE CYCLICAL STRUCTURE IS HURTING ME

NO THIS HURTS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD

HOW CAN IT JUST BE OVER NAH THIS IS MY CAUSE OF DEATH

STEDRIKA GOT TOGETHER AND FELICE IS JUST SMILING I LOVE HER

Them showing Henry and Walter right after Stella and Fredricka get together means they’re also canon actually

REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID EVERYONE WAS FAKE??? REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID YOU COULD BE FREE I HOPE YOU GET THERE. It’s not looking good for the endgame guys

WE WERE A REVOLUTION?! IT SHOULDNT BE A REVOLUTION TO LOVE EACH OTHER???

He’s gonna do something OMG OMG WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HE THREW IT AWAY DOES HE MEAN HES DONE WITH THE CROWN?! WILL I HAVE TO EAT MY WORDS AND WATCH HIM ABDICATE?!

Queen redemption arc???

Say no say no say-damn at least maybe now he’ll get support??

What is it with frogs and this royal family??

Goodbye Simon MY HEART MAN COME ON

I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE SUMMER YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT I CANNOT EVEN IM ACTUALLY NEVER GONNA RECOVER FROM THIS

Girls trip!!!

AHHH HES SO GONNA ABDICATE

but August might…

AHHHH WILHELM I LOVE YOU IVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER TO BE WRONG

NAH ITS A ROMCOM HE PULLED A LOVE ACTUALLY IM NEVER RECOVERING FROM THIS

AHHHHH

FOR HIS OWN SAKE IM SO PROUD

NOT THE FLASHBACKS IM GONNA CRY

THE FINAL LOOK I CALLED IT

[luckyqueenreign]

major 🤡 alert!

Hey, HELP A GIRL OUT PLEASE i’m stuck in the love triangle with Suresh and Alfie. I KNOW! I’M DOWN BAD BUT hear me out. I actually really liked Alfie in the beginning and wasn’t even thinking about Suresh (hated him to be exact) but we all know what happened how the season progressed. Plus i’ve been reading y’all’s theories and everything on here and yeah that resulted in this. I literally tried to make myself hate Suresh over the past two months so bad but god dammit i just can’t do it 😭Every damn time when i was finally like okay there’s no way i’m taking him back (especially after i found out about Gabi coming in, their relationship and him switching to Lulu from the scripts) i open tumblr AND IT’S BACK AGAIN. Alfie looked like a way better option to me even after kissing Kat but recoupling with Meera after Casa was my last straw. Suresh on the other hand… we know damn well what was happening in the last 2 months. We all figured that in this season we simply gotta pick the least bad option so i feel like they’re both as bad as each other and i just don’t know who to go for. Plus their routes are literally 👏mirroring👏.These theories about them feeling like they don’t deserve MC break my heart even though they did her well dirty. Final recoupling is probably about to be next week and i’m over here on the biggest fence ever. I know it’s probably not a good idea asking this here (where a lot of Suresh stans are) but i would be beyond grateful if you could look at it objectively and try to find some advice 😭coz i’m dying over here. Thank you so much for reading this, have a nice day! <3

OK girly i'm going to try soooo hard to be impartial but I'm so not an Alfie girl so this may prove difficult for me 😩😬.

I also want to preface this by saying that when I was coupled with Alfie I took full advantage of that coupling to make Suresh jealous and I actually did start to like him. I found him super endearing and I felt bad that I was going to break his little heart...that is until he Cherrygated me 😡. And look did I kiss Suresh? Yeah I absolutely did! But Alfie wouldn't even wait two seconds to hear me out. And I've seen other girls post on here who did NOT kiss Suresh and when you didn't kiss him you had an option to tell Alfie nothing happened and he still didn't hear you out. BOO!!! I just also feel like with Alfie some of his words and actions don't line up. He tells you one day he wants to take things slow and the very next day is asking to do bits? He tells you two days in row he wants to end the summer with you, you're his only girl but then he kisses Kat and 2 days after that brings Meera back and is suddenly all about Meera. IDK for me... There just hasn't been enough of a redemption arc for Alfie like there has been for Suresh. And I'll get into his misgivings now. Suresh comes into the villa incredibly unapologetic and extremely cocky. It's clear he thinks that he's got this in the bag and he's going to win MC back, that these guys have absolutely no chance. But MC proves to be a bigger challenge than he originally anticipated and he's forced to deal with ALL of his demons. Suresh thinks he's changed before Arlo comes in but he obviously hasn't hes still acting the exact same way he was before. MC kisses/flirts with Alfie? He does the same with Arlo. He flirts with MC while with Arlo, which in it of itself is a dick move to both women (I mean I loved it...but im being impartial here It was a dick move) Then the whole casa speech. We all loved it but then NOTHING. We were all left scratching our heads confused like WTF happened to this man?? We all came up with theories to explain his odd behavior after Casa but then this week he confirmed our suspicions that he was hurting, he was struggling hard, but most of all he was SORRY. This man has never been this apologetic, this self-loathing without wanting anything in return. this man has properly changed, there's been growth and character development (I mean as much as there can be for a pixel game). I just dont feel like we see the same for Alfie.

But again take this info knowing I am not an Alfie girly. You may find an Alfie girly out there who will give you 845 reasons why he's redeemable and has had growth. 💖

[conivolos]

pokes head in here. hello coni. pls throw your fics at me i want to read them. what are you most proud of. what are u working on right now. what do you want me to read. i want it all hand it over. (i am being genuine but also silly sjdfklsdj what are u writing i am so curious :eyes:)

adsjaksf hiya!!! :D

and yeah!! i do have a couple of wips i want to rant about kajfhkjah

the first ima shout about (it also might be my favorite but shhh) is a 3rd life renaissance faire au :D its currently treebark and dogwarts centric and is quite literally full of half formed sentences and contextless dialogue, but theres three pages of worldbuilding and plot and im really happy with it so far :D, rens the king of dogwarts (the kingdom the faires set in), and the dogwarts army are, well, the knights of dogwarts. and you know martyn's creeper prank? he makes goose noises instead cause its hilarious and it still scares the crap out of everyone but scott asjkjafh. and ima stop there i dont want to reveal any more cause spoilers askjfhas

another wip is post-canon joel's empires s2 finale!! he is regretting a lot of things and theres three more joels than usual. its likely going to be multichap and full of angst (if i can actually make angst without adding puns into it asjksajfh) with a happy (?) ending :D

a third im hyped about is a waterpark au of sorts, based off of ethos old turf war minigame, The RipZone!! its mostly mycelium resistance centric, purely because i have more of a grasp on writing them than the hep. im not quite sure where to plots going for this one, but i have just enough planned out to be insane about it askdjfaskjfh. theyre highschool ago and its set in australia, at the end of the year, so its the beginning of summer and schools just let out (prime waterpark time babayyy)

and the last is another limited life coral kids fic woooo!! the working title is 'whats your favorite constellation?' and i feel it captures the vibes im going for surprisingly well. its barely written and im hoping it wont be as long as the last lmao, im thinking only about 1k words, and it also wont be explicitly romantic. im playing off of the concept of giving each winner being assigned / associated with a symbol (sun, stars, moon, etc.), and the general fandom confusion on what to give to martyn. and wait i wrote a lil synopsis thing for this like two days ago hold on

'centred on scott and martyn, ties tower has just (or is being) constructed, scott's built them a base, the chaos of bread bridge hasnt quite begun. and, while laying on their beds under the sky, scott talks about the stars above them, lamenting about a past life. martyn and scott discuss the dilemma that is the death games. scott doesnt want to win again and they wonder if martyn's going to win this time. martyns not sure if he wants to (he does). they mostly talk about the stars though, and their favourite constellation. its supposed to be nice and calm, fairly reminiscent of the calm before a storm.'

i edited it a bit, but i reckon its still got the vibes down pretty good :D

oh and also, the fics im probably most proud so far are htgth, really the podcast au in general, and surface of the seas :D

i chose htgth / the podcast au quite a few reasons! theyre the first works i ever finished and published, and, excuse my ego /hj, but, im so happy with the way i got the bad boy's voices to fit really well!! i was (and still am honestly) shocked on how well i wrote them!! (also i really like htgth cause i set myself up some plot points im excited to build up on whenever i get back to writing it akhkfasjhf)

and surface of the seas, partly bc im just really proud of myself for writing that much ksfksajdfh. i think i mostly like it cause the little narrative comparisons and bits of lore just scattered around it :D also when i was almost finished, tying up the loose ends n stuff, it was at around 3-4k and the word count just kept going up its funny now but it was quite daunting when it was happening askfjhahfs.

oh and also maybe ive lost a piece of me, almost purely because of the puns :D

[incorrect-dying-light-quotes]

Just saw your post from earlier and I’m just really curious what’s your opinion on Rais x Crane (as a “funny ship goes brrr” or fr whichever you prefer), have a nice day!

i do actually like it and it's probably my biggest "ship" but i cant really explain to you why. they have a very complicated thing going on between them and i find it entertaining/interesting. in my au theres actually some Things that happen on cranes end that leaves him fucked up after rais dies - mainly their final fight goes differently, rais isn't pushed off of the tower but instead is left there to bleed out by crane, and after crane has told the gre operatives to go eat nails he ends up sitting down next to rais, the most exhausted and mentally drained hes ever been in his life. then rais puts on a bit of a kicked puppy act because he actually feels afraid (since hes dying and his rabies induced adrenaline is wearing off) and he asks crane if he can hold his hand. crane, stupid idiot sympathetic sentimental crane, obliges. then, because he does that he has to actually feel his last breath. which fucks crane up. because he just very personally murdered someone. a person he very much hated, yes, but he got so used to having someone to hate that now there's this odd void. several days later as hes coming out of his dissociative stupor he's back at the garrison to scavenge for whats left of their supplies, he ends up in rais's personal room. which, since it was locked well, was a jackpot in terms of medical supplies. but crane spent a little too long in there and ended up sifting through boxes of old documents and he finds out that rais had a son, evidenced by several drawings and other papers, and crane pieces together that rais's brother isn't the only person to be killed in the outbreak. this makes crane spiral again into thoughts about how rais really was just another person broken by the circumstances and his sentimental ass just feels so bad LOL

but anyway after theyve both died and are in the afterlife (they dont really have an appealing afterlife in this world youre just a ghost wandering around a world you cant interact with forever) crane is reunited with all his friends! and he spends a long time with them and all is good, but out of curiosity he ends up tracking down rais's supposed son. since at this point rais has had a couple or a dozen (idk the timeline yet im horrid with timelines) years to just sit there and think, he's chilled out and isn't really mad at anyone anymore. so he has no problem letting crane meet his son. but crane finds iut that since he died in a traumatic manner, (shot in the head to keep him from turning) he's in... a bad state. this makes crane frequently return to check on him which means he and rais have a lot of time to interact. originally crane isnt a fan of having to see rais in the first place but he very very slowly begins to tolerate him and eventually (by "eventually" i mean over the span of several decades or something like that) befriend him

but also i do find it hilarious as a concept

[arsen1cs4ng0]

shout out to the chip fandom for being legit TRAUMATIZING. not even saying that as a joke or exaggeration!!! i know/know of so many good people who got their mental health totally RUINED by the awful people there. im one of them!!! its SOO much more horrible than a lot of people realize or even want to talk/think about. so many are literally scared to speak of the effect it had on them because theyre scared itll happen all over again + because it was literally just That Fucking Bad. even im not coming off anon for this. fuck that!!!

from my perspective… theres genuinely like no good people left because they all got chased off + traumatized in the process. i honestly think even the writers themselves got chased off by the toxicity. the hiatuses + *the ending in particular* just line up WAY TOO WELL with awful shit happening for that to not be the case… :/

and it sucks too because it was such a good and diverse story! it was really finally getting interesting!!! some of the plot lines before it all just stopped were legit gut wrenching (/pos!!!) + incredible to watch! the way it humanized the characters was so!!!!!! GOOD!!!!! but it’s all gone now because some people are just total fucking toxic freaks and heckled + harassed literally everyone out of the community no matter how hard it tried to keep stable…. its so depressing. it was fun while it lasted but i never want to go back + it will literally never be the same as it was a couple years ago. and at this point i think that’s a good thing

sorry for the random suuuuper long anon. i know youre a smaller account and probably dont want to talk about this kind of thing. its just been on my mind and youre one of the few people ive seen be openly critical of it all. hope u have a nice day + this finds you well at least!! :)

[ this turns into a rant in the end but its gotta be said lol ]

hi anon, thanks for the ask !! i pretty much have no choice to be open about this all because no-one else ( apart from like. 2 people ) will, i would say much more if it wasnt for my awfully limited vocabulary LOL ( and unless you wanna see a 16 year old cursing and throwing every insult in the english language at the people who hurt / manipulated my friends, well um !!! )

it just hurts seeing the fandom get worse and worse, one of my friends was literally almost driven to suicide because of the toxicity and abuse from the modern fandom, my confidence was snatched away after shit that happened in june - everything has just been SHIT !!!!

ive been actively trying to disassociate from the fandom entirely but its been extremely hard ( especially with my hyperfix on who i call ''little guy the 2st'' - the most i can do is wait for the hyperfix to pass at this point ), everytime i check in i know its just gonna be the same now: people who pretend nothing happened and attempt to cover up everything that happened before they ''''apologized'''' ( and i thought they were gonna keep the bad shit they did up for accountability !! what happened to that ????? ), people who will desparately manipulate unsuspecting people just so their wittle friend can look like the ''uwu sweet bean x3 owo angel who was definitely never ever ever transphobic in their life !!'' - you get the fucking picture at this point LOL

everything has fucking demotivated me and i wish i could fucking scream at Those people, but whats the point of doing so if they're just not gonna pull their heads out of their asses and just admit what they did instead of being like ''WAAAAAH YOURE SUCH A MEAN MEAN PERSON I DIDNT DO THAT AT ALL STOP SPREADING LIES, N-NO !!!!! ;_____;'' ?? i dont care if i get attacked by those people anymore because its only gonna prove my point on how fucking toxic they are i feel so bad for unsuspecting people who dont know how bad the fandom really is and what they'll end up diving into like i did, like my ex-friend did too

again, thanks for the ask anon and im so so so sorry you had to witness this all :[

[miscellaneous--bones]

shows everyone this oc i made n folks love her and then 2 minutes later come out with new ocs that im even more obsessed with like haha sike sorry. i was gonna wait until i had more drawings of howl but ive already been sittin on em a couple days so yk

anyway these are what came from that doodle page mess from a minute ago, goose was the first but i needed an oc who would work to be shipped w snatcher so then i made howl and decided there were 5 of them. they're supposed to be mostly borzoi/italian greyhound mixes? idk. either way they run on ahit rules but i might use em in other places too idk yet. Summary of their characters are below the cut

so they're a litter of 5 and no one is keeping track of whose oldest or youngest or whatever

unusual i know but i also cant figure out where i want them to be anyway so shut ur face

we'll just go left to right from the top

somewhere on her travels goose ran into hk and bow and was worried about these strange children being alone in space so she decided to come with them and like they arent gonna complain about their new dog

shes not the best with other people but she takes good care of them both and keeps them protected and fed and whatnot.

it works its cute

shes the only one who has a collar because shes the only one who has a person out of her siblings

nk n then howl! howls got a lot going on

they got a fairly dinky ship when they left it was sturdy enough but like not Good good yk

and at some point way before hattie and bow and goose end up there, they pass over harbor because theyre tryna figure out if they wanna stop for a supply run or not and the mafia shows up n makes trouble ofc

she gets the mafia to leave her alone but in the process ends up crash landing somewhere near subcon (not sure if its like in the woods or just off the borders but close enough either way)

in the crash tho, a bunch of time pieces shatter n get fucked up and end up scattered across time

she has to go through and try to clean all THAT up because plain n simple those things are hard to get and just leaving a jumbled mess like that it Very Not Safe

in this whole debacle her family dont know whats happened and the ship is kind of undocumented because the crash basically happened forever ago but also it hasnt yet but also it never did?? so like. shes missing for a good decade before shes finally back to her present (by this time hat n bow have come n gone so she missed goose anyway)

while she was going through time collecting time peices, she got in whole heeps of trouble and while its only been 10 years in her present it feels like its been at least 50

shes gotten acused of witchcraft, cursed about 5 times over, there was that one time she was thrown in a dungeon for 7 years for disrespecting a king or something

point is they came back fucked up

they're half undead and their soul is a little bit missing because someone stole it at some point and they only barely got it back a little bit. also cursed to be tied to shadows so being in the sun too long isnt very good for them.

ive also been playing with the idea they were cursed to live either other people's spirits and energies OR their flesh. not sure which yet

i do feel like it'd be nice if they and snatcher could end out with a deal where he eats the souls and she eats the bodies. or something

this whole change of theirs is supposed to be shown by them loosing their white on their face. theyre the one laying down in the last drawings which is supposed to be them while their in college years and shes got her white face. she looses it when she gets all tied up in the darkness thing. she also gets taller than her siblings they were the shortest originally

neway im till daydreaming abt the whole thing so yk

the other siblings are less important but still cute

duke is also an astronaut but his explorations tend to go better apparently. he comes home with a cute alien boyfriend later

paris owns a boutique that brandy helps her out with- they stayed on their home planet together with their parents when the others went to space.

speaking of, brandy is rlly nice

aside from her different markings which always set her apart real nice shes also trans. so grew up a little bit othered but still very very loved and also her and paris are besties obvi

brandy is good i like her a lot. i think shes be like second eldest if not eldest eldest if i had a real order there

her and howl bond over having different markings from the otherwise when howl finally gets home :)

[bailaconox]

basically the only photos i took at ateez in toronto hamilton 12.02.22 🤧❤️‍🩹 i had the best day of my entire life yesterday and i cannot thank ateez enough for filling me with so much love and happiness ❤️

just me rambling about my whole ateez concert experience under the cut ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

I CANNOT BELIEVE AFTER TEN FUCKING YEARS OF LIKING KPOP I FINALLY GOT TO EXPERIENCE A KPOP CONCERT IN ALL OF ITS UNIQUE GLORY!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST CONCERT IN OVER THREE YEARS AND AFTER THE SHITTIEST FUCKING LUCK WITH TICKETING AND CONCERTS IN GENERAL..... IT ALL FINALLY PAID OFF?????? THE UNIVERSE ALIGNED JUST RIGHT SO THAT I COULD FINALLY HAVE THE BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY FUCKING LIFE AND THERE IS NEVER A MOMENT I AM NOT EXTREMELY THANKFUL TO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO GIVE ME THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE LAST NIGHT

first ever top tier vip first ever vip ga first ever soundcheck first ever true barricade first kpop concert in person first ateez concert first time everything went about as perfect as i dreamt it would

despite being wristband number 337 i was one person away from touching the barricade, left side of the stage at the corner where the catwalk meets the main stage, so fucking close either san or seonghwa is literally covering me in the crowd photo 🤧😭❤️‍🩹 WHICH IM NOT MAD ABOUT AT ALL THAT FEELS LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING WIN IN MY BOOK!!!!!!!!

the crowd wasnt pushy and agressive and shoving

and i saw ateez with my own eyes in person in real life just a few feet away from me.. they're really real... they are so real and so beautiful and sweet and talented and pretty and funny and amazing and good and wonderful and damn near perfect

god i really dont wanna sound crazy delusional but i really believe seonghwa made Prolonged Eye Contact with me 😳😳😳😳😳😳 like i spent the whole concert no phone except once and i just. was Looking at them. so amazed captivated mesmerized. and i want to believe seonghwa saw me just STARING in a very stunned fashion and made eye contact and just like. smiled laughed a little smirked a lot maybe thought it was funny how i was like 👁👄👁. this at least is the story i built in my head and will choose to believe!

and i dont think it was me he called out but during the part where hongjoong split the crowd and made my side say "break" he said someone forgot and did it like a full two seconds after everyone else aND HE WAS LOOKING WAY TOO CLOSE TO WHERE I WAS STANDING LIKE I DONT THINK THAT WAS ME BUT SOMEONE IN A ONE TO TWO PERSON RADIUS FROM ME DID THAT AND IM SCARED IT WAS ME BC I DONT FUCKDKIEUNG REMEMBER WHAT I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

god i made the best call ever though by not taking photos because i just got to LOOK AT THEM!!!!!!!! RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my justification is that i absolutely hate looking through any concert videos or pictures i have ever taken for some reason. combined with the fact that 10000000% of why im there is to SEE THEM LIVE IN THE FLESH IN REAL LIFE so i dont wanna end up staring at my phone the whole night bc it wouldnt feel as real as looking at THEM you know???? and every other person has enough concert footage to refresh my memories so im more than happy with that choice! i only took these couple and one video to prove where i was standing in the crowd lmao

as per usual at concerts every moment in line and before the soundcheck was a fucking nightmare but oh my fucking god i got one of the best spots in the whole venue and every part of that show made up for the shit i dealt with about a million times over!!!!!!! i GET it now i GET why people do this i GET why they fight for vip and barricade !!!!!!!! the experience of not only looking directly at them, but KNOWING FOR A FACT THEY SAW ME TOO, is something ill never ever ever get used to.. i feel so fucking grateful for getting so damn lucky.. it was one of the most amazing things i've ever experienced and my god. i want more

but i dont expect all my concert unluckiness to have vanished bc im not financially in a place to arrange the logistics of all that on my own! im not kidding when i said the stars fucking aligned just perfectly to create this entire experience, there were so many tiny things that could have gone wrong or prevented me from going altogether but... for once... for the only time ever in my life up to this point, everything was perfect and i had the perfect day and i got more than i ever dreamt i could.

it felt so special to not just be there for all of my own reasons, but having it be ateez's first time in canada and the last show of this tour. the hello82 video and watching that with them and singing star 1117 was .. magical honestly??? and also made me realize i've never been to a concert before where the artist got super emotional and cried on stage??? but there was more love in that room than i've maybe ever felt in my whole life and there are no words to explain how special and important every single second of that night truly was... and i will never forget how it felt to be there, to finally be there, to be there of all places!!!!!!!!!!

and i love ateez with all my heart and soul. oh my god. i just realized if i started liking them in late august of 2019. i started liking them either right before or right after the last concert i went to. i saw the jonas brothers in august 2019 and i started liking ateez in 2019 and i havent been to a single concert in three whole years until last night. with ateez. and i get it now, why the universe aligned the stars for me, for this. oh my god

[logisticalandrewthinks-blog]

Rebirth

Feel like i gotta put an edgy title, even if I'm not feeling as edgy at this moment in time. its been a little while, a little over two years in fact, last i posted was August 7th 2022, now its August 30 2024.

I've graduated university now, and was lucky enough to have snagged a job before I finished that pays decent and has alright upward mobility. I'm wondering if I should feel happy now or if that will come later? it feels all a little too empty. Although I am not in the depths of despair that I used to always be in when I posted on here, i am feeling slightly empty on is this all life is now. I'm moving in with Hung next year, so theres that to look forward to, and also the Japan trip is finally happening, of which I have done my best to plan and organise, I realise now that if I want to do something, I should organise it, otherwise nobody will do it, since the people I tend to surround myself with are very low maintenance people who therefore aren't really planners much with the exception of like Kass I guess, who enjoys this sort of thing of being organised and planning for things. But I do have Japan to look forward to I guess, I am excited for that, but a part of me does wonder if all I will do now in life is just make money so that I can go on holiday, and then work, then go on holiday. I dont really have many aspirations to own a house or even relationship stuff much at the moment, though next year maybe ill try to date again to see if im any different to it, and if im alright to date now. Its more that in my future I see other people getting together with other people, and i feel like i should follow suit, like i should have myown person that im with too, since at a certain point of our lives i assume we wont see eachother as much since they'll be preoccupied with their significant others.

All this talk of is this all life amounts to and tangentially being related to that, the worth and happiness of a life made me go back and read an old manga that I really liked when i first read it back in the day called "I sold my life for ten thousand yen per year." which is about a guy who does just what the title says, he sells his remaining life til just three months, since he has nothing to live for but not a lot of money, so why not live a few months in luxury at least. I won't regurgitate the entire story but its worth a read again future Andrew if you're still there, thats quite touching and gets you thinking about the worth and happiness of a life.

This is probably the most mentally healthy I've ever typed into my blog, materialistically things are looking up for me, I'm gonna be making decent starting wage with benefits at a (allegedly) good company, Ill be doing hybrid so work from home some days and work in office other days. I have a group of friends online that i frequently join the voice calls daily to hang out and game if that occurs or watch things. These extend to real life too, seeing friends in real life and interacting with them. Its all going in a way, materialistically very well, and yet I can't help but feel, "is this it?". Like am I supposed to just do this for another 40 years til I retire, to then just rot away and die?

Something I did do this year which I really enjoyed was travelling, I went to morocco with oogin + HABS people which was an amazing short trip, a 8/10 experience could only be made better if we were there longer, paris with chrystal and josh 💀 was a 5/10 but mainly cause of being a third wheel of a couple that I don't think should be together, maybe I'll keep a record of their thing later if I can be bothered, and also went to the peak district to try outdoor climbing for the first time, and then to manchester recently for a wellness chec kinda thing for chrystal, since she always visited us but we never visited her but i said i wanted to, so i said fuck it ill organise it, when are you guys off and so 4 of us went up north to manchester for two days. But all this to say, I really do enjoy travelling, I finally understood why those hippie sorts of people spend their entire lives travelling, I used to think oh it must get so tiring and so boring so fast, wouldnt you want to just sit down and chill? but you can! you can sit down and chill underneath a blanket of stars, or sit by a warm fire, and just look out into the distant deserts of morocco. I really enjoy travelling and I hope to do a lot more this next year.

Something else i took up in the last two years is bouldering, its a hobby that i genuinely enjoy, I've been climbing for two years, on and off, (maybe like 6 months total where i didnt climb so technically one and a half years) but its what inspired me to then go outdoor bouldering with puru armaan and yossi which was a fun trip, though it was humbling how difficult it is! currently I can climb v4-v5 indoors but i could barely only climb V0+ outdoors, which is like beginner grading, which is pathetic 😭 hopefully next time will be better.

I'm not really here to say much else, If i think of something Ill post again soon, but its 8 am and ive stayed up all night to watch LE SSERAFIM's comeback "CRAZY" which is really fucking good. Thats another thing I've done in the last two years, is gone back to my kpop roots cept this time i have the disposable income to irresponsibly spend money on merch and albums for LE SSERAFIM. the music and obsession as a hobby has really helped though, it gets me through the hard times seeing the behind the scenes and watching the live streams and hearing them talk about their lives. Bias is Miyawaki Sakura since I already kinda was biased for her in IZONE when she streamed gaming content on youtube and made videos for gaming.

I would say to end this post that LE SSERAFIM and Bouldering funnily enough have saved me, in the last two years. Two years ago i was hurt fairly badly by people who i thought i was close to, though perhaps i never was since its an online friendship, how close can a online friendship be? obviously an online friendship can be very close, but it depends alot, and it seems perhaps this was not one of those times. I dont recall if i ever actually outlined what happened from my point of view as a record, so maybe ill do that. haha i always say ill write these things and never get round to doing it. it does help somewhat though, clear my thoughts by writing in this blog, so i really should do it more often, maybe now im more mentally well ill do it???? who knows. we shall see in the next one.

I shall leave with le sserafims latest song that got released 4 hours ago, which is the cuntiest thing i have heard in a while, and will defo be a bop to remember, and so future andrew!! relearn your roots!!! go back to listening to le sserafim and rest up!!!

[fraener]

2/7/24

had very hard week just now...h got sick and it freaked me out so bad that i made myself sicker than him with worry. my anxiety absolutely consumed me, it began last weekend with a series of small anxiety attacks that i managed just fine with and then a terrible multi day panic attack from h getting sick. my ibs was the worst its ever been and i felt so awful i couldnt calm down no matter what i did. i kept having recurring dreams of evading getting sick and then just having to accept it was goin to happen to me...i wanted to believe it was a dream drought and they werent premonitory but in the end i got sick too! it was such a cathartic experience i still cant fully believe it happened...it was physically unpleasant for sure but h took such good care of me i honestly had an amazing time. i didnt get even as sick as he did with it but i was sick for a bit longer like usual, somehow i get through things low and slow these days whereas he gets through then fast and hard. i think today my stomach is finally all the way back to normal. im glad i didnt actually throw up but at the same time theres a lot of parts of me that are really disappointed it didnt happen because it would have been extra cathartic if it had. from this ive managed to get a little bit of peace. im still feeling bothered from my ibs episode, therapist says i have to go to the doctor about it and im sort of frightened to do that. not only because im scared theyll find something, but also because the imaging procedures are often unpleasant and scary...still struggling with pttm and d/m trying to override everything. but i had a flash of wanting to draw something for the first time in over a year which was huge, and while i was sick i felt full of excitement and freedom, and yesterday evening i walked for a long time to the northernmost point in the twin bays and the sky felt so broad and i felt so calm like i did in the field behind the radio station on the island or home at my grandmas in co... big sense of peace right around the corner. im changing little by little and coming back to myself after a long time. i saw white salal and pink hazel flowers and the osoberry and snowdrops and witch hazel and red flowering currant are all blooming now. the chorus frogs are croaking. spring is frighteningly early this year but for some reason i feel ok about it. im really nervous itll be terribly terribly hot this summer, like the first summer i lived in this apartment. i suppose all i have to do is wait and see. it would be poetic for the last summer to be like the first one. im graduating this summer, i dont know what to do with myself next. im trying not to think of it being so big and empty on the other side of that. somehow i still never got to do all of the things i wouldve liked to here, not like in high school where i managed everything i wanted and more. ive been having dreams about r again recently, i suppose hes on my mind. i saw him from afar a couple of times in the last week or so. the runes and cards say we have some kind of unknown relationship that isnt approachable yet but is bubbling and forming under the surface in a big way, but undetermined in its gestation because neither of us know what we want from one another. another thing to wait and see about. i want to let go and paint again.

[abvfluxing]

Several months ago i told my roommate i wasnt interested in looking at a new place to live, bcus at the time i figured there was a good chance i wouldnt still be living in ohio in the next several months to year. (I never told her why i didnt want to look at new places thankfully). Bcus i thot things were going to keep moving in a positive way with him. Very stupid of me.

I waited 6 months on two things. "Idk how I feel " and "we will meet in person". 6 fucking months of waiting patiently.

And when i finally bring up the first thing i get "well i don't think i feel that way... but who knows what the future holds". Wtf. half a year and you still cant say it decisively. I tried so hard to take that as a definitive response and move on, but it wasnt and i couldnt. Bcus im an idiot.

After the first cancelled meeting i waited. Then a second cancelled meeting. And he says "well im not going out of my way looking to pick up trips to go that way, itll happen when it happens". I keep waiting. One day i try to sincerely explain how much its hurting me to wait to meet like this, and how much I want to take the initiative and plan a trip to his city. And how worried i am about the whole "flight school" on the horizon since its going to most likely alter his schedule in such a way that him and i will have so little free time at the same time. And how that scares me bcus it feels like the first step to losing him completely. And this is another reason im pushing to make a meeting happen.

So Making it very very clear that i only would want for one small simple meeting, like a lunch, and that if thats all i got with him that would be enough bcus i also just really want to travel somewhere and see things jve never seen and that taking a plane by myself is a very scary thing, but if im going somehwere where i know a friend is on the otherside it gives me the strength to do something so extreme for myself, i mean im someone that gets stressed and anxious just trying to go to a store or run errands. He says "no, i cant guarantee it would work out to meet, and i dont want you to spend all that money and be disappointed" also "im not out to my family so itd be comllicated to have you over as anything other than a friend". First of all, im not even allowed to try and make something happen. 2nd with weeks ahead of time anybody can plan for a single lunch to happen once out of 2 or 3 days possible. 3rd it must not matter how important it is to me, to be able to try and do something like this, how little i expect how little commitment im asking for it, how unobtrusive im trying to be but also experience something. It doesnt matter. 4th, what the fuck is that second excuse coming from? I didnt ask to meet your family, i didnt ask to come over to a family dinner and ve introduced as your boyfriend. How is that a concern when ive made it clear none of that is expected? (Well stupid ass me thinks only someone thinking of doing those things would randomly bring them up when they were not previously stated). 5thly, if you had a job that would literally PAY you to go and visit your alleged "best friend" ... wouldnt you kinda fucking want to do that? Wouldnt that be cool as shit? If i could get paid to visit some of my friends, i think maybe i might try and make that happen every once in a while. So he wont take a paid trip to see me, and im not allowed to pay for my own trip to him. Kinda really sounds like "i dont want to meet you". Only took this dumbass about 8 months to realize that one.

The last couple of weeks ive been trying to act "normal ". Im not messaging him everyday, even tho i want to. And it fucking hurts me. And idk how he feels about it, or if hes even noticed. Not like he would ever really tell me the truth anyway. So im an idiot and an asshole.

I can't even get him to say something as simple as "i want to spend time with you" i tried so hard one night to see if he could even say that much, it didnt work. Bcus im an idiot.

We had two big fights recently too. The one everyone could see where he made it clear he thinks im stupid as shit. And then a second one a few days later while in a discord call. He was upsetting me so much i had to hang up on him before i blew a gasket. Then i explained to him why i got so upset and his response was "wow you got upset over someone elses opinions". He was going to let the night end like that. Soni explained further why I was so upset. And he said something like "ok". And i had to be like "do i even get an apology?" (After i had already apologized for hanging up and getting upset, earlier in the convo). And only then did he finally give a half assed barely covering the problem apology. But I took it and rejoined the call after calming down a bit more. Once again i was being stupid and an ass.

Ever since those two fights i feel like i get treated like shit all the time. Like he is mad at me about stuff but cant even remotely bring it up outside of treating me like shit. But then the one day he streams its all "this is the game brad recommended for me, he knows me so well" blah blah blah. And weirdly nice replies sometimes. Like clearly something is up. But more likely im just an idiot.

He was trying to talk to me the other day, just a couple days after my "worst day" of the very very bad past two weeks. I told him "sorry i havent been feeling well". Him "oh are you sick. Me "well not like cough cough sick". Him " then what is it?". Me "its hard to say out loud". Him "oh ok".

And that was it. No reassurance, no "im here", no "i understand but you can talk to me if itd help". Nothing. Is that really how someone responds to their "best friend" clearly not being well? Its hard for me to tell bcus im so stupid.

And then the announcement earlier. Came with no warning to me. Last i heard he hadnt heard back from any places. And hours before he posted that he asked what I was doing, and i was playing totk amd watching gdq with the roommate. Not really a good time for him and i to play a game together that would take the main tv in the living room. So he said ok have fun. And i said "if you want to hang out in a call thatd be cool". Him "well id have to go in the other room, ill just stay in the living its more comfortable". Me "ok well lmk if you figure out how to use discord in the living room and id be down to hang out". Him "id either have to wear headphones and not hear the game or put you on speaker and youd hear my game. Which is so annoying". Me "i normally use headphone and just leave one ear uncovered to hear the game. Also so when my games have been too loud". Him "its mostly my friend nate 'blah blah blah" convo ends. And a couple hours later we get that announcement.

Hes got his next two months planned out basically. One month of "working back to back" which contains two weeks off, one of which an international vacation! Lmao. Followed by starting school the next month. two weeks before my birthday! How perfect! I messaged him and told him im happy to hear that he finally heard back from a place. And that im happy for him. But im also so fucking pissed. Ive told him how this school thing coming worries me, and he makes a group post instead of telling his "best friend" first. Isnt that fucked up? Once again im being treated like shit. And hes able to have two weeks off in june, including an 8 day international vacation. But i get "ill try to stream for those other days". Somebody you said "we will meet eventually" and you cant make room for me after all this time before turning your whole lifes schedule around making it so you know we wont be able to hang out anymore. So clearly im a huge fucking asshole for having such selfish fucking thots when all i should have thot was "oh yay good for you!". But hey thats what you get when your a stupid worthless ashole am i right? 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆