#i realize now that the writing is very disconnected and so are the drawings but bear with me here. do you see my vision

[mipexch]

comic about v2 and the goal they'll never fully reach alongside a dissatisfying conclusion. intimate rivalry and all (alternative ending comic. V1 dies instead of V2 during 4-4. V2 is narrating. V1 is dead.)

[sevensoulmates]

Buddie 7x01 Meta

Okay! Finally, I was able to watch the full episode uninterrupted and have had a couple days to gather my thoughts. Quite simply this episode was fucking fantastic. My meta does sometimes include some spec, so if that's not your thing feel free to ignore those parts. Those of you who follow me know I write long ass essays, so fair warning for a long meta under the cut. ((Also idk how to make gifs, so enjoy my shitty screenshots)).

First, I love to see Buck and Eddie back at it again in their natural element being partners on a scene.

This was very obviously a call back to season 2, even down to the positioning, having Buck watch Eddie be competent in defusing a bomb. Buck has complete faith in Eddie's abilities, it's the fighter pilot whom he distrusts. In the end, they narrowly avoid getting blown up, just like they did in 2x01. This one scene re-establishes the Buck/Eddie work dynamic and shows how they inherently trust each other on and off the field.

Next, we get a scene of Buck and Eddie getting dressed in the locker room. Notably, Buck is fully dressed and Eddie is without his shirt until halfway through the scene. Buck also keeps his eyes on Eddie's naked torso pretty much through the whole shirtless section. This is another blatant callback to season 2x01 when Buck's first introduction to Eddie is when he's shirtless. This draws attention specifically to Eddie's physical attractiveness and how that affects Buck. This scene is odd to have with Eddie half-naked if we're then gonna make comments later on about "sexual tension" with friends, no?

In the same scene we are reintroduced to Buck and Eddie's separate love lives. Eddie is just now learning that Buck and Natalia broke up, and gives an odd facial expression that looks far too much like vindication. We know from the graveyard scene in 6x17 that Eddie wasn't really a fan of Buck's relationship with Natalia (I don't think there's ever been a relationship Buck's had where Eddie has legitimately been happy about it, which is weird if they're just friends, right?) so to him, this was always coming down the road. He seems proud that Buck was able to end it this easily.

Meanwhile, Eddie's going on a "not-date" with Marisol to chaperone Christopher's date with Penny. It's telling to me that Eddie doesn't classify this as a date with Marisol, but Buck does. Buck considers being at home watching Christopher as a date, and yet he seemingly doesn't classify all the times he's been over at Eddie's hanging out with just him and Chris to be a date? To me, this shows the first big disconnect in Buck/Eddie's brains that the show will likely dismantle this season: what is classified as platonic and what is classified as romantic, and which gender is allowed to be in each category. We'll come back to this when we get to the next scene.

Eddie is very supportive of Buck breaking up with Natalia. He doesn't say it directly to his face, but it's implied that Buck really lost himself when he was with Natalia, hence Eddie's "Welcome back to the land of the living". While Buck did struggle with figuring out his life purpose at the end of season 6, he falsely prescribed that purpose to Natalia. Thankfully, this was rectified here. This also shows significant growth for Buck from his last relationship with Taylor Kelly. Buck was able to identify issues in his relationship quicker and was able to cut the relationship short when he realized it was no longer healthy to maintain for him. I am extremely proud of Buck in this moment, as is Eddie, which is the first of two big moments in this episode where Buck and Eddie really showcase their pride in the other's personal growth. "You were missed" is such a simple yet perfect line for Eddie to give to Buck. To show Buck that Eddie has always seen him, and will always see him, even through personal lows, and will still remain by his side when they come out the other side. I really love this showcase of unconditional love here.

The next time we see Buck and Eddie, the chaperone date has already passed. Eddie and Marisol are seen watching Chris and Penny from behind the wall, but it's highkey awkward to watch and the focus of this scene is really not Eddie/Marisol but rather Chris and Penny and Eddie relaying this info to Buck. I first want to point out that we don't actually get to see Eddie/Marisol's first date, we don't see any subsequential dates, and the first time we DO see her, in an episode meant to be establishing couples, she's so blink-and-you'll-miss-it that I had to try 3 times to get this screenshot because it went by so fast. It's never a good sign when we don't actually get to see the beginnings of a non-established relationship.

Additionally, Eddie/Marisol's relationship is framed WITHIN Eddie recounting the night to BUCK. The important Eddie relationship we're supposed to be paying attention to in this scene is not Eddie/Marisol but Eddie and Buck's. It's not important for us to see Eddie and Marisol hanging out, but it IS important for us to see Eddie TELLING Buck about the night. That isn't insignificant. This means the show is clearly placing far more importance on Eddie/Buck than on Marisol, and for a pointed reason to be revealed hopefully later this season.

This is the only line that Marisol has in the entire episode. This being the one line she has is interesting because it's a callback to Eddie's arc last season ie. "Eddie has no game with women". Christopher makes a pointed comment about it in 6x18. And of course, it's a callback to Performance Anxiety 6x14 where Eddie was being pressured about dating women and 6x17 Love Is In The Air where he once again pressures himself into dating women until he finally settles on Marisol. It's an interesting call back to have, considering this scene could have been considered Eddie successfully dating a woman. And of course this ties into later in this episode where we get the "turning women off" comment, which I'll talk more about later.

Eddie goes on to tell Buck that he didn't really see any difference between Christopher hanging out with his male friends vs hanging out with his female friends. This is drawing attention to two things. The first is a call-back to Buck and Eddie's previous scene where we saw that Buck and Eddie have two different ideas of what constitutes "a date" when it's with a man versus a woman. Buck thinks that an at-home date with Marisol to watch Chris counts as a date, Eddie doesn't. Yet Buck doesn't consider his own at-home "hang-outs" with Eddie and Chris to be a date despite them being far more frequent and more meaningful than what we just saw with Marisol. Eddie also doesn't see it that way. This line is an indicator that both Buck and Eddie have blinders on currently when it comes to their interactions with each other, interactions which very much COULD be considered a date (including the later mentioned "underlying sexual tension") if they had done the same thing with a woman. They're just unable to recognize the truth of it at the moment, and this is clearly demonstrated when Eddie can't tell the difference between Chris having his date with his male friends vs. female. My prediction is that this will become more defined for Eddie by the end of the season or leading into next season.

But it's very interesting that this idea of not being able to recognize the possibility of romance except for the heteronormative options is coming into play now because there's really only one gay way to subvert that.

Which is then doubled down by Buck in the very next scene.

This is blatantly not a true statement. Buck is not only assuming Chris's sexuality, but he's assuming the same would be the case in general, which is not true. Buck knows many queer people, but at the same time, every queer person he knows canonically falls more into the gay-lesbian binary, and not really anywhere in the middle (ie. bi/pan people). It's an oddly heteronormative statement coming from Buck, who is known to be very open-minded and also researches a shit ton? So why are we being shown that Buck has this sort of narrow-mindedness specifically when it comes to the possibility of people being bisexual?

(Spec) Firstly, I think this is to set up for a bisexual Buck arc. It's showing that Buck actually 1.) hasn't ever been with a man before so this is not just a casual bi reveal and 2.) that he's never actually considered it a possibility to have sexual tension with a man before. This is what we in writing call "the character's fundamental misbelief" and it is brought in specifically to be challenged, and I'm near-positive it will be at some point in the season.

Secondly, On the surface, this statement is telling the audience that obviously Christopher would only have tension with his female friends, right? (sarcasm). But what's interesting is that this statement is purposefully gender-neutral. It leaves the real meaning up to the audience to decide. Why? Because this part of the conversation is not really about Christopher. On the surface, yes, but beneath that, this line and the line before it are about Eddie and Buck's relationship with each other. Buck's not out here talking about Christopher having sexual tension with people, and even Eddie recognizes that it's weird to talk about in relation to their child. He's still in the nest for christ's sake! These lines are in relation to Buck and Eddie's friendship and how both of them are blind to the fact that it very much IS possible to have sexual tension with your female AND male friends.

And this is where the gender-neutrality of that phrase gets extra interesting. Because as we've seen before, Buck and (more prominently) Eddie often lack chemistry with their female love interests. It's up for debate, but the general consensus was that most people did not feel any chemistry between Buck/Natalia, and Eddie/Ana or Eddie/Marisol. What's fascinating is that Buck has had chemistry with some of his female love interests, but Eddie hasn't had any since Shannon (and this is not an endorsement of Eddie/Shannon's romantic relationship. I'm not getting into the extreme nuances of that right now.) Some argue Eddie's had chemistry with Felisa or Vanessa, but they aren't the ones Eddie's dating right now, are they? So Eddie, unlike Buck with his female LI's, hasn't really had any sexual tension with Ana or Marisol. The only person that (most) people agree Eddie has had sexual tension with is Buck. And we had a scene with them earlier with Buck watching a half-naked Eddie change too. So in this case, the line might also be a reference to Eddie having chemistry with men, but not really with any of his female LI's. I think the purposeful vagueness here though was a very telling choice on Tim's part.

Additionally, the use of the word "underlying". Underlying implies that the sexual tension isn't overt, but rather is something that lingers unspoken. Under the surface. Subtextual, if you will. Of course, it's possible to have subtextual sexual tension between an M/F pairing. But placing it in the context of this scene, where Buck is being weirdly heteronormative, it feels contradictory. If Buck believes that he (and Chris by proxy) can only have sexual tension with a female friend, why is it something that is hidden under the surface? If anything, due to heteronormativity, the sexual tension between a boy and girl should be plain as day for anyone to see, on the surface, very much textual and with no room for interpretation (ie. "He was a boy, she was a girl, could I make it any more obvious?"). But let's flip this around. With queer pairings and couplings, there's a huge history of their sexual tension and romance only being able to live and breathe in the subtext. This line being spoken between two men that many people for years have pointed out are heavily queer-coded and have a romantically-coded "bro" relationship with each other that so far has only been able to exist in subtext? Tim, you're not sly. I see right through you.

After that, Eddie tells Buck about Christopher seeing 5 girls at the same time. Everyone's shocked and Eddie insinuates that Christopher didn't get this from him. By pointing out that Buck is a reformed playboy (I personally disagree with aspects of this statement but that's neither here nor there), Eddie is implying that Christopher may potentially be getting this trait from Buck. Which is an interesting thing to say to someone if they're not already heavily involved in the process of raising your child. Eddie claims that he's a "nester", which in my mind means someone who is very paternal/maternal, or constantly trying to build the home or the family. ((Sidebar: I googled nesting and apparently it's ALSO a term used in both polyamorous spaces and was later separately coined as a term referring to "where men treat women like they’re in a relationship, but they expect those women to know that it will never lead to real one." I don't interpret this line to mean either of those other definitions, I just think it's interesting that this is what popped up when I googled Nesting)).

Eddie then says he "married the first girl he dated" and Buck instantly volleys back with "think you mean slept with", which is EXTREMELY telling of a few things. First, I want to point out, that I don't believe this is Buck denouncing or disrespecting Shannon's important role in Eddie or Chris's life, but rather recontextualizing it.

We got clarification last season that Eddie fell into his relationship with Shannon almost in the same way that he fell into one with Ana and Marisol. It was heavily implied that Shannon was the pursuer, the one who made their relationship happen. Not Eddie. While Eddie was a little less passive with Ana and Marisol, being the one to ask both of them out, he still exhibits extreme passivity in the furthering of each of these relationships, preferring to "stick it out" rather than actually end it when it's not working. This is the exact same thing he did with Shannon. It's interesting that Buck argues that Eddie married the first girl he slept with rather than the first girl he dated.

Dating someone implies you really genuinely want to form a deep romantic relationship with someone (ie. call back to Buck's line to Maddie "at least when I date someone, I date them"), whereas sleeping with someone does not have to immediately mean wanting to be with them romantically. To me, this implies that while Eddie might've deeply loved Shannon as a friend and eventual mother of his child later and had sexual chemistry with her, the reason why he stayed with her is not because he wanted to continue dating her or being with her because he was IN LOVE with HER but rather because they slept together. And what came about from sleeping with her? A fucking traumatic teen pregnancy.

Both Buck AND Eddie recognize that in this scene (which is huge, especially for Eddie). I'm kinda blown away honestly. It's extremely important for the audience to see that while Eddie did, does and will always love Shannon, it is NOT romantic love, and may have not ever been. Which is FINE. They were literal teenagers for god's sake.

This is once again a recurring theme in Buck and Eddie's story in this episode. Defining what is considered romantic and what is considered platonic AND the possibility of redefining those distinctions years later. And it's interesting that in this case with Shannon, a woman, it's finally being acknowledged that it might not have been as romantic as Eddie may have believed for all these years.

Eddie then asks Buck to be the one to talk to Christopher about his relationship indiscretions. We see Eddie making the active choice to bring Buck deeper into the co-parenting role that's already been established in seasons 2-6. Right after Eddie talks about being a nester, a home-builder, he brings Buck deeper into his family in a parental role. To me, this scene doesn't imply that Eddie can't do it, or that it's out of his wheelhouse, but rather because he feels like Christopher might relate to Buck more about this. But even more so, it shows that Eddie inherently trusts Buck to be the one to talk to Christopher about this, because he's seen how Buck has grown over the years.

Eddie doesn't want Christopher to continue making bad choices in life and he tries to convey this to Buck, but Buck, with his own self-esteem issues, assumes that Eddie doesn't want Christopher to end up like Buck. Which is fascinating because Buck's made it a huge point throughout the series to show that he's grown past his sleeping-around phase (which was never about disrespecting or using women, it was always about Buck's own desire for love and connection that he felt he could only get through sex). And yet with this line, we see that Buck still doesn't realize how far he's come. He still feels like he isn't worth emulating or being someone to look up to. But Eddie does. Eddie sees and loves Buck to his core, and so he points it out to Buck that no, Buck actually didn't become that person, and that Buck is, in fact, worthy of being the one to parent Christopher in this situation. Once again, this is a great moment of showing how these two are able to see past their facades to the truth of each other's issues and provide strength, reassurance, and clarity to each other, as an ideal life partner would be able to do.

Then we get to see this amazing scene of Eddie talking down a panicking woman using his own unique "jello" methods. This coping mechanism tool he walks her through really does sound like something a therapist might teach their patient. Eddie not only is able to admit to having panic attacks but he's able to do it in front of strangers and his team alike with no shame (even a bit of pride at the end). This scene, which could've gotten very awkward very fast, ended up becoming a very sweet, serene moment where we also get to see that love reflected on Buck's face just how proud he is of how far Eddie has come. This episode made a point to show Buck and Eddie recognizing the other's growth and their pride in the other, as well as demonstrate how both are able to be there for the other emotionally in their times of need.

What's interesting is that this is all stuff that we've seen before. Buck and Eddie have been each other's emotional pillars for many years now. This is just a re-establishing episode. We know that this season their relationship is going to be shifting, growing, and showing a new side to it. So I'm intrigued to see how that will manifest given that we have already seen in one episode how Buck and Eddie are each other's closest person. Some might argue that this episode actually frames them to be closer and more emotionally supportive of each other than two of the other canonically romantic couples on the show.

Bathena are shown to be having marital problems in this episode, with Athena worrying she and Bobby might not actually have that much in common outside of the chaos. Madney is shown with pre-martial problems, with Chimney unnecessarily worrying he and Maddie's spark might fizzle out over the years and they might grow to resent each other. I'm not saying either of these relationship problems is really accurate, but it's just interesting to look at in comparison to how Buck and Eddie were framed in this episode, despite not being in a canonical romantic relationship at the moment.

This exchange absolutely took me the fuck out. Because this line did not need to be there. Even for the giggles. It could've even been a line of Buck being sincere and saying that he's proud of Eddie or something. Instead, we get this. "I've never seen a man turn a woman off with such skill". This line connected with the line from Marisol are both callbacks to Eddie's series-long issue with dating women. We get this in conjunction with Buck pointing out that Eddie doesn't really date these women he's in relationships with. He's just with them due to circumstances. Even if the circumstances are of his own making (which could be a symptom of compulsory heterosexuality). Eddie has never once talked about dating women like he's actually attracted to women. I'm so sorry. AND combined with the line where Buck and Eddie actually acknowledge that Eddie wasn't really with Shannon because he wanted to be with her but because of the family they accidentally created. All of this in ONE episode leading up to this line where it's heavily implied that Eddie's skill is his inability to turn women on, and to actually be able to turn them all the way off. And I'm just going to say it, but this line HEAVILY implies queerness. This is the kind of line you'd expect someone to say to a gay man or someone who doesn't actually want the sexual attention of a woman. This, again, in conjunction with Eddie not being able to tell the difference between a date with a woman vs. a man, is all too pointed.

This line alone in a vacuum could maybe not mean queerness, but alongside the whole rest of the episode where beat after beat after beat implies that Eddie has in fact NEVER been in a relationship with a woman 100% of his own active desire for her as a person and not just for what she can provide to his or his son's life?

This points to a very particular direction with Eddie that I'm expecting to see him fight against really hard this season. I would not be surprised if he ends up holding onto Marisol as the last shreds of perceived "normalcy" (ie. heterosexuality) are being threatened. Hopefully, he'll be able to reconcile the truth by the end of the season or going into season 8.

God this is so long and we haven't even gotten to the buddifer scene yet. This part will be a bit more condensed because I'm not really analyzing Chris as a character here or his relationship with Shannon. Maybe I will later.

I'm really loving seeing Christopher become his own person this season. But what really fascinates me here is Chris as a parallel to both Buck and Eddie. Christopher's abandonment trauma is starting to manifest in him through his choices with his love life. The same thing happened with Buck and with Eddie individually. Buck's trauma growing up informed his choices of sleeping around and seeking love from a myriad of individuals who didn't necessarily have his best interest at heart. Eddie's trauma manifested in him being so self-sacrificing that he can't ever choose a relationship for himself, but it always has to be in service of someone else or in pursuit of a perceived "Normal" standard.

In this case with Chris, his trauma is manifesting in a way more similar to Buck's, which is another reason why it's so perfect to see Buck being the one to discuss this with Chris, even though they don't necessarily delve too deep into it. There's no question Buck sees his own issues reflected in Chris. This has been true since 4x08 Breaking Point when Chris runs to Buck's house and confides in Buck his worries about people leaving him. Chris demonstrates a similar issue that Buck and Eddie both hold individually. That being the notion that "it doesn't matter what I do, or how good of a person I am, or how good of a partner I am, I am not worth staying for."

But the difference here is that Eddie and Buck, like the amazing co-parents they are, recognize the problem and take steps to address Christopher's trauma in a way that gives Chris autonomy and isn't condescending or out to make Christopher feel bad about making mistakes. The Buckley parents and the Diaz parents both failed Buck and Eddie in these ways because they blamed their children, never actually took the time to see the underlying issues let alone address them, and made them feel like everything was their fault, even going so far as to actively put their children down over and over and over again. Eddie and Buck get the beautiful chance to break the cycle here with Chris and get to be the parents that they never had.

It was so amazing to watch this episode with Buck and Eddie being supportive partners to each other and supportive parents to Christopher. It was an episode of growth just as much as it was an episode of reintroduction to a new audience. It was also extremely telling of what the future conflicts and themes will likely continue to be for Buck and Eddie for the rest of this season. I'm so excited to see what the rest of this season brings! And thank you from the bottom of my heart, ABC.

[prince-liest]

I just wanna gush bc omg I love the 666 series so much. I think it made me realize I might be... furry-ish? adjacent? I just find it so satisfying how you go into detail about the unique body features of both of them, the way it feels to have deer ears or kiss a TV and just generally how much thought is put into the way their bodies work, and I've realized that my interest in that kind of idea is a pretty good reason to partake in more explicitly furry media lmao. Anyways

I'm also really in love with how you maintain the balance of each of their personality traits. Vox is simultaneously so pathetic and cringefail (also your dialogue for him is perfect, I can hear it crystal clear in my head) but also he has vastly more emotional intelligence than Alastor, no doubt at least in part because he has to deal with Val, and he's able to marginally calm down with his obsession to deal with sticky situations, but even then he still retains his personality and bumbles things sometimes because of the flaws in said personality! It's great. I also really appreciate the balance you've struck with Alastor, I feel like often Alastor is either written to either soften up so immediately that it feels disconnected from his character or is written overly mean and heartless for my liking and the way you've written him is such a delicious balance between softer aspects such as the prey instincts or moments of vulnerability and his untouchable and manipulative self, and also the way this side of him is neither written as wholly a front or wholly his real nature and the complex ways this makes him struggle with his increasing vulnerability. TL;DR arghgr your characterization is so good it makes me go a little feral

Also while I'm here, I'm curious whether you can give an answer to the degree to which Alastor is touch-averse. There's obviously a lot of ways in which he fundamentally dislikes touch but it also seems like there's at least some kinds of touch where he doesn't dislike the touch itself so much as he's afraid of the way it brings about feelings of caring and/or enjoyment being cared for. I'm curious how much, in general, you would say his touch aversion comes from either cause and possibly what kinds of touch do/don't provoke those flavors of aversion

Omg, what a lovely ask to receive. Honestly, everything you said that you enjoy about how I characterize these two is very much what I've been actively gunning for, so it's an absolute delight to see it outlined back to me. Success!!! Thank you so much!

And ahaha - I'm not a furry but I fucking love inhuman characters. Being raised in the pits of Homestuck fantroll RP made me enjoy the whole "they're bug/fish aliens" thing and it definitely rears its head again any time I encounter characters with inhuman qualities. I love writing Vox's TV/computer-ness and Alastor's deer and radio bits, and integrating them into who they now are as people.

As for Alastor's touch-aversion: It's funny that you ask about this, because the next chapter of 666 is going to dive into it a bit. Specifically into the fact that it's not, like, a set of boundaries that is consistently defined, and I write him that way on purpose. The very first time he and Vox sleep together, Alastor bottoms. He becomes significantly less amenable to touch after he goes through an uncomfortable rut cycle that gets sexual. By the time Vox convinces Alastor to fuck him, Alastor would never let Vox do that again and frankly only agrees to topping because Vox gave him an option that didn't involve getting his dick out. Then in the next episode, they're having clothes-off sexual contact. So, what gives?

Things that play into Alastor's willingness to touch and be touched as far as Vox is concerned:

How does he see Vox at that point in time? Disgustingly entitled (ew)? Hilariously beneath him (haha who cares)?

Does he care about what Vox thinks of him? Does Vox touching him draw his attention to positive or negative assumptions he has about Vox's perspective on doing so?

What value has he attached to this particular touch in the power balance of their relationship? Is he humoring Vox? Does he assume Vox thinks he's owed this? Does he perceive it as something Vox is genuinely doing for him?

Has he tried this particular kind of touch before? He's pretty willing to experiment, but that doesn't mean he'll do something twice without a compelling reason if he didn't like it the first time.

Is he getting off on this situation sexually? If so, is it fully willing (read: not a byproduct of uncomfortable hormones) on his part? That only really happens when he's in a submissive role and Vox is hitting a few very specific kinks, a major one of which is basically CNC tilted 30 degrees to the left.

Is he enjoying the touch in platonic ways? How does he feel about that? Is it a vulnerability to want something? Is it feeding his ego to be catered to? Is he worried that what he enjoys platonically is being read into in ways he doesn't like?

Is he fucking drunk? Things that bother you when sober often seem like a non-issue when you're not, both on a physical and emotional level.

How much touching has been happening recently? Has he hit his limit? Did he deliberately put himself into a situation earlier to have his limit be hit and surpassed, and now he's in the aftermath?

He does have a certain fundamental purely physical dislike of touch, but it's something that is really affected by how he perceives each individual situation as well as his relationship with Vox at that time, and his previous experiences!

[loveyourlovelysoul]

What help would you recommend for someone trying to survive ongoing trauma? I’m going through emotional abuse from my father and there is no way I can change the situation. I’m trying to mentally get better but every time I try it all gets knocked down again. What do you recommend to go hermit mode but in a healthy way? If that makes any sense. Thank you so much for your time I love your blog ❤️

Hey :)

I am very sorry you have to go through such a painful experience. This is something I am still going through in my life as well and I may not be the best at giving advices cause I'm still figuring things out myself. Emotional abuse can happen in different ways, and since I don't know what is really going on for you and I don't know you (and I am not a professional figure of any type), I... don't know exactly what to suggest you that can really be of help to you.

In my case, I personally tried to realize that I had no fault in what was/is going on and tried to imagine why he was acting like that with me (his own personal story speaks of immense lack of patience, perfectionism, a huge loss and possible emotional abuses as well, which never helped him deal with his own emotions the correct way -his mother wasn't able to deal with that either- but simply pour them out whenever he's overwhelmed through some repressed anger -which shows up in different ways-). I'm not saying I forgive him, but understanding his "hidden reasons" behind his behaviour, made me at least recognize and understand his triggers and kinda foresee (most of) his reactions, so that when they happen I feel a bit more ready/in control and remind myself it isn't directly on me even when he's having it against me and telling me bad words (mostly cause in the heat of the moment). With time, I realized it helped me to get away from him when he wasn't talking with me but overreacting for other things, or (if I couldn't physically move away) simply try to disconnect and then come back to myself once the "danger" was over. I also tried to distract myself by doing things that helped me relax any time I could, even right after an event like that (from a walk outside under the sun, to watching kitties' vids or drawing and writing -journaling in particular has helped me-, for example). I have always been a pretty sensitive child so I had a tough time bearing with shouting and anger when I was a toddler, and trying to take care of that child-side of me by showing I can afford things on my own now, that I can get away or simply not accept/reject that abuse (even just in my mind, without having to reply to him and make him notice, but explaining myself what's happening and distancing myself from it) and stand up for myself (since it's not on me but it's his own problems speaking), has made it better. Basically I learnt to try staying more in control of the only thing I could control: my own reaction about his abuse. And what I made it mean about me: objectively nothing much anymore (once I used to *unconsciously* make it mean I wasn't good enough, I was a bad child, I was unworthy, I really was that terrible person he told me I am... but I have never been so, I was just a child and a teen and... a common flawed person as he is too, nothing that would support/validate such an overreaction). I tried to learn how to be my own safe place while outside there's a storm. To shield my younger self in any way I could/can.

But again, I don't know exactly about your abuse, so really... I hope you don't mind if this doesn't resonate. I think out of all the abuses, emotional abuse and neglect are very very though to confront and each of us deals with them in their own personal way. Not sure what you mean by "healthy hermit mode", maybe not dealing with him? Or maybe what I use/d to do as well, by distancing yourself... I hope it's that.

If you can, please refer to a professional figure that can guide you through in a better way or at least give you hints on how to work on yourself more accurately than me. All the best, take care as you can (and remember, any copying mechanism that you think and find out works for you atm, is valid. You'll get out of that anyway, try to stay strong).<3

[siphonophive]

I've been desperate for a space to write more freely, so apologies in advance if I go a little nuts. Don't feel obligated to read any of my mess; it's really more for me to write things out.

I think part of the reason I have felt so weird, disconnected, and anxious the past several years (besides you know... everything) is that being on twitter only for social interaction really does not serve me well. I'm too wordy; I miss writing long blog posts about my feelings and thoughts and I miss getting to know people in that way (in the absence of being able to meet organically irl). I have this fear meeting people on twitter that they make assumptions about me, my life, and experiences, because it only enables a view of such a thin slice of who I am as a person, and doesn't convey the way I talk and am in real life. I fear that when people DO actually get to know me better, they find out that I am boring. More reserved. More internal. Not worldly. Not exciting. Not well-versed in art history or culture. I know the way I express myself isn't as outspoken or succinct, and without back and forth of spoken conversation, I feel I come off flat. If I'm not observed and interacted with, do I exist? I dunno. I'll get back to you on that.

I'm going to jump around a bit.

It's tempting to say that my anxiety around sharing art and being seen as an Artist online is a more recent thing, because when I fall apart now it's seen by so many more people than before, but it's not new at all. I think it's definitely more pronounced though. The expectation and passive pressure to be Professional and a Brand and constantly hustling is something I know every artist has been feeling lately. It's absurd that I feel it even though I've made barely any money doing art (maybe like $1k over my entire lifetime?). I want to share my art and connect with people, but it feels increasingly harder to do so the more eyes that are on me. I even used to do this with fandom accounts back in the day: once enough people started following me that I felt like people were interacting with my art as products, I deleted. It's gotten to the point where I can't make art without gauging my worth on it–and frankly I haven't been making much good art recently. So. Been feeling pretty useless.

And this doesn't even factor in the whole "hand being fucked up since I was 18 years old" thing, which is... very hard. It's very hard. It's made making art feel like a privilege, and like a precious thing I need to take seriously because I can physically only draw so much. Every minute drawing has to count. It's crushing to get excited about a project every so often, only to quickly realize it's way more work than I can handle (despite being something entirely doable for most people), and end it crying and in pain. Over and over.

And art's been my life despite this. It's how I think, how I communicate, how I want to spend my time. I spend the majority of most days thinking about art I want to make or stressing about how I can't make it. That is legitimately how I spend most of my time. Sitting in my room alone thinking about how I can't do the thing I want to do. I want to get past this somehow. To make the worst fucking art I can that even my friends think is terrible and not worry that it is a reflection of me, or worse, the only value I have. I guess circling back to the beginning- I worry that people approach me because they connect through my art, then get to know me as a person, and find me lacking. Or find that my spring is usually dry. The art is inside my head, and in my body, but I can only speak with it on occasion. And sometimes–probably more often lately–all the art I can bear to make is so self-serving and really just for myself. I worry friends and peers see this and think it must be a reflection of my shallowness. Maybe it is. I don't think so, but I'm also the only one aware of all the art unrealized that is inside of me.

I think of the snarky posts that go around every couple years like "if you call yourself a writer but you don't write, you're not a writer." I get what that's aimed at. But I do think to myself sometimes: you call yourself an artist, but you barely make art.

Boy, I didn't even hit on how mental illness plays into and affects all of this, but it's really all intertwined and a self-perpetuating cycle once that comes into it. Or about how drawing is the only real skill I have and since I am unsure I could actually hold down a day job again, I feel like I should try to make art a job. But every time I try this I fall apart. And the state of the world, and hyper-capitalist interests above all else, even above keeping the Earth livable for our species, and of living as a disabled and trans person in the US makes me feel...

Hmm.

It's weird, none of this is new, but each wave of it crests and crashes at different points in my life, and this one is happening at a time when I feel like I'm old enough I don't have a lot of my youthful hope, but being past the point of caring does offer some freedom of its own. I know this is a total downer to read probably (or fun and relatable), but it helps me to think about it and verbalize it instead of keeping it in my head. I never really know how to talk about this stuff casually with friends, but I want to. And I want to make something work, cause that's the only real option besides giving up, and I hope I'm not quite there yet.

[bookwyrminspiration]

why is legacy your least favourite of the series now? (btw I haven’t reread kotlc in forever all I remember is that Tam is gone and Keefe is having a Bad Time)

I think what happened is that upon rereading the other 2 I disliked, I realized their faults weren't as bad as I'd remembered, and Legacy just has very little to draw me in, and everything else is not to my taste. I'd been denying it for a while I think, trying to stay positive, but in being honest with myself this last reread it just really bothers and upsets me at times. I can try to articulate it, but there's a lot of layers that even I don't understand to my reaction, so heads up

(nothing against anyone who enjoys legacy!! i'm simply not one of you. this is your warning that this is a more critical/less positive post and perspective on legacy. if you don't want to see that, don't look)

Sophie's relationships are an inevitable part of the story the way it's written; it becomes very prevalent here, and none of it's positive, it's just more conflict--and not even satisfying conflict, to me. I'm queer in a way that doesn't involve romance and attraction, and I could not care less about Sophie's drama. And I know people talk about the importance of connecting to stories about people with experiences you don't have, but I don't think this is one of them. I've read fantasy stories with conflicted romance before, and even though I'm very attached to these characters...I just don't care for how Shannon's doing it.

I won't deny that part of it is frustration and anger knowing how some people take what happened in Legacy to further unfairly demonize Fitz (who is one of my top 2 characters)--and that part of that will be done in a "see how toxic Fitz is? Keefe is so perfect for her instead" kinda way. Which bothers me because it ignores so much about so many characters, not just Fitz. And I know they are entitled to their thoughts and interactions as much as I am, and I try not to let it get to me too much (curating my own experience and all that), but I can't deny that I'm at least aware of it. And that that knowledge negatively impacts my reading experience when I become more conscious of it. at least at the moment

And I suppose it also just makes it obvious the disconnect between me and the story. I can brush past Sophie's crush musings and brief flustered moments. But an entire book where a significant conflict is her failing relationship and searching for her parents to try and fix said relationship? It's like a whole book of "hey! here's something really important to most people!! that isn't to you! remember how different you are?" To be clear, I don't mind being different, I quite like the kind of queer I am. I don't want to change it.

It's more like a...well now I have to put up with and trudge through this tiresome stereotypical shit in a series I really like, too? I poke a lot of fun, but Keeper is genuinely a really important and prevalent series in my life, even though its not my favorite. And it's like...here, too?

I'm not opposed to relationships in fiction, there are several I quite enjoy and they can have very important places and purposes! Keeper just isn't one of them that really speaks to me--at least in canon. I don't like how sophitz was written, I don't like how Sophie's been characterizing Fitz and Keefe, I don't like her reaction to and focus on her match status even though I understand it from a character perspective. Their relationships just haven't been the compelling kind to me

I could try and link all this to like, poor writing or inconsistent characterization or catering to fans and things like that. I could probably come up with a polished argument if I tried, make it technical and about a bunch of mistakes made but at the end of the day? it's really just not to my taste. I just don't like it, even though I can logically understand why most things happened, how they were in character and contribute to their development. I just don't like what happened. I don't like how romance focused it was and how relationships panned out. I'm disappointed sophitz ended how it did, how the characters behaved in their relationships, how Sophie reacted to her match status, her inability to pull herself together for a while, how sidelined Tam's kidnapping felt, how some people will demonize Fitz, etc.

I read keeper for entertainment, and there just was nothing for me. I do what I can to appreciate its place in the series, and to acknowledge when it is true to the characters, including in ways I can't connect to. But this isn't a series I read for self betterment or learning or anything, it's for fun and none of what happened was fun for me (meaning fun in like a satisfying entertainment way including heartbreak and tragedies and horrors, not that it has to be silly and light hearted)

That was probably more than you were expecting; it was more than i was expecting! But it's such a visceral reaction that it's hard to identify and translate, and I'm sure there's more to it I haven't uncovered. in fact as I was writing this the process helped me think through more of my reaction, so thanks for the opportunity :)

[marshmallowprotection]

Do you think shifting is real? I’m getting tiktoks on it again and I won’t lie it messes with my mental health as it convinces me I can go somewhere where I’m actually happy with all the media that’s comforted me for so long. I like how I’ve seen old posts of yours where you slap sense into people who want to shift and I need that right now. Ha.

If you're not hurting anyone or yourself, it's perfectly okay to journal, draw, and write all the fantasies you want. After all, what is the great comfort in media and fandom if not the experience of getting to see what it might be like to be friends with your favorite character? Or to see what it might be like to be with your favorite character in a more intimate setting like a date? There's nothing wrong with that!

Hell, I'll be writing these scenarios all day long for my comfort and others! It's fun to dabble in the heads of your favorite characters and see what it could be like if there was no universal divide. There's a lot of fun to be had in making your characters or even self-inserting into the media.

However, I don't care for the in's and out's of Reality Shifting in the sense of someone trying to explain to me how it isn't just another form of daydreaming. I won't argue if it's real or not. I will just say Shifting looks no different than daydreaming to me.

I'm sure that Shifting is just a form of mediation and daydreaming at the end of the day. It isn't harmful unless it impedes your life. Now, I won't tell people not to have fun. Listen, if you're having fun and you see that it helps you, that's okay. There's no need to get into the thick semantics of if Shifting is "real or not".

I'm not going to scold people for it. I want people to be able to have fun at the end of the day in the way that works for them best, and me talking about this isn't to shame anybody or make them feel bad. I'm just concerned for people's health. I just want people to be aware of the risks of excessive daydreaming and dissociation.

Because, it does not matter what you believe Shifting is, if you spend hours of the day in bed with your eyes closed tight when you have to do other things, that's not healthy for you. This goes for fantasizing of any nature, not just Shifting. 

I say this as someone who experiences Maladaptive Daydreams.

Your average daydream as you stare out of a math class window is not the same as a maladaptive daydream.

“Maladaptive” means you have an excessive amount of daydreams to cope with or adapt to a problem, and it doesn't solve the problem, it just allows you a chance to disconnect from reality to survive. It's not a healthy thing. It's not something I always enjoy. I wish people were more informed on the subject but it's not it's widely known.

I genuinely just want to warn people about excessive daydreaming. I want people to be well informed about what can sometimes happen when you experience a disconnection from your sense of self or your sense of reality. 

Hell, someone who's reading this might not even realize that there's a word to describe their Daydreams, and if that can at least help somebody understand that they're not alone, it's worth talking about. 

[Maladaptive Daydreaming]

Ever since I was young, I've daydreamed excessively to cope with things my little mind should've never had to have dealt with. It's a form of dissociation that's continued into my adult life to kept me cope, and that's true for many other people. This condition isn't a very widely known one or even vastly studied, but it does fall under the dissociative umbrella.

Imagine being immersed in a world that is so much better than your reality, now imagine what it might feel like to be pulled out of that. In that sense, you wouldn't want to leave the daydream. That's why it can be so addictive. It can get to the point where it interferes with your life on a day-to-day basis.  

I don't think there's anything wrong with daydreaming. I don't think there's anything wrong with having fun and imagining different universes. I think it's great that we can shape our minds to create so many wonderful things. I just worry for people who aren't informed about making sure that they are mindful in their consumption of fantasies. 

I can spend hours at a time in a daydream, totally disassociated from the world around me, and while having these vivid daydreams can make for a great writing experience later on, it's not fun to lose hours of your day. It is addictive, as it is a lot better to be in a reality where everything goes the way you want it to instead of the one where we live, you know, where things don't always go right. 

I've got a way better handle on this these days because I've got more tools and means to keep myself grounded, but the dissociation is still a part of my day to day life, even with progress.

I experience Derealization and Depersonalization in part because of this.

[A visual of Derealization vs Depersonalization].

I understand how people feel when they want nothing more than to be in a reality where they feel loved and cherished by characters who love them all the same. I get that, because that's where people start excessive daydreams when they are young, in most cases, not all of them.

I just worry for people who get too caught up in their fantasy that they forget to live in this reality, if that makes sense. We can "Shift", Daydream, or what have you any time, but at the end of the day, we live in this reality, and we can't change that.

We have to fight to make this reality a better one, even if this one doesn't feel as fun as holding Saeran Choi to your heart, you know?

Make this reality the one you want it to be.

Don't let yourself not have fun with fantasies, though, because there's nothing wrong with that. Make those CMCs and Self Inserts to have fun! I do it, too. At the end of the day, just be mindful of the way you consume daydreams and roads that help you shape realities in your mind, no matter the avenue you explore them because you deserve to have fun. 

Keyword: Moderation in your teenage, young adult, or adult life.

[warblingandwriting]

So this is kind of a weird series, I think, and this is more a of a ramble than a proper review. Out of the gate I’ll say I didn’t like it, but it had some ideas I liked, and I would love to see a remake written and directed by women that makes the queer subtext explicit, and deals more explicitly with women's issues by people who actually cared about the original story. Instead I feel like this series was far more interested in trying to modernize the story, in particular by making the female characters (especially Miranda) ‘strong’ in an entirely modern and literal sense. Anyway, spoilers ahead, although I will say I don’t think spoilers matter much for this series or the book. The series isn’t good enough to recommend, and there aren’t really big twists in the book that I think would be ruined by knowing certain plot points, just a fair warning if you truly like to go in blind, as I do actually really recommend the book.

Making Miranda into a "tomboy" stock character, and Irma into a typical "Rich girl" stereotype is not a replacement for adding depth. I actually don’t mind Marion’s characterization since she barely gets anything to do in the original film or book, but overall I still dislike the dialogue writing in particular. I can understand perhaps feeling like the Peter Weir movie makes the three disappeared girls lack some characterization as they're not on screen for all that long, but to feel the need to add these stereotypical affects as if they weren't fleshed out characters in the book is a bit painful for me to watch. I think, too, in doing this the series tries to comment on the ideas the book explores of the sort of idealization and veneration of these girls after their disappearance, by making their set somewhat rebellious, so that there’s a disconnect between their idealization and the reality? But I think the book does this much better by drawing the reader into that same idealization, and maybe make you not even realize you’re doing it until the end. The book functions as almost an interesting criticism of true crime, but this film doesn’t do the same, which is kind of unfortunate in an age when that genre has become so saturated.

And why does Mrs. Appleyard need a dramatic backstory? This was admittedly my least favourite part of the series. In the book (and by extension the Weir film), she is a traditional character, with somewhat mysterious origins, holding up the institutions of repressive patriarchy for England in a relatively recently colonized land. This series really took the book’s line about no one really knowing if Mrs. Appleyard had the credentials to run a school, she just looked good enough for the parents, and ran with it. Yet I still have no idea what her deal is. I guess she worked as prostitute and thief, but eventually killed the man she worked with and fled to Australia, and her strictness is just a reflection of her not wanting the girls under her care to end up like she did. However, I think this actually takes out a lot of the depth of patriarchal control from the book as opposed to enhancing it (which was, I think, the intent). Instead of this control of young women being institutional, casual, and easily reproduced by everyone, including the women around them, it now becomes a cycle set off by ‘bad men’, something unnatural, something that (as we see from pretty much every woman in the story) women won’t adhere to unless somehow forced. I suppose that’s true, in a way, but when every woman we see upholding gender roles and patriarchal structures in any way has been abused it sort denies the existence of casual internalized misogyny and the way these women were shaped by the culture they grew up in. It has a very sort of “as long you’re aware these things exist at all, you could never participate in them” energy that doesn’t ask anyone to examine their own biases, and why they might feel a certain way about a certain thing. I do appreciate the choice of this series to simply confirm that it was Mrs. Appleyard who killed Sarah Waybourne though (something that is ambiguously implied in the book, but practically outright denied in the Weir film), it is the one representation of that internalized desperation to ally oneself with the patriarchal ideal of female perfection that the series keeps, and it works (although I do think it would work better if Mrs. Appleyard in this version wasn’t already a hardened criminal who had killed before).

That’s not to say every piece of media has to engage with sexism in the exact same way, but I felt like the way this series did it lost a lot of the book’s depth. I don’t have much to say about the queer aspect, because I don’t hate it, and no one seems to ever actually find out about the relationships that happen so they don’t really deal with any ramifications for it. I’ll just say I think it was not done great, especially Irma being jealous/upset that Miranda is not interested in her in that way. I think I would have preferred a relationship between two of the three disappeared girls as opposed to the one they went with. I get what they were trying to do with the tension between someone who just wants to cover everything up and someone who wants to actually engage in a relationship (to the extent that that would be possible), but I think that could have been done just as well with any of the three lead girls, really, together. And it would have allowed Miss McCraw to keep her place in the story as the sort of necessary fate of brilliant women. As smart and accomplished as she is, working at a girl’s school is genuinely the apex of career possibility for her, again providing subtle and biting critique of women’s perceived abilities. Now that she is sort of at the girl’s school in exile she no longer gets to fill that role.

The series didn’t seem to allow itself to be about different types of women, trapped by different situations, in the strange liminal space of repressive English society in conflict with the ‘Wild New World’ (for the white main charterers of the book, anyway) of Australia. While that exists in this series, as I have outlined, the form of repression has been boiled down to be very similar from character to character which to me, flattens the story in spite of everything that was added for the series.

The additions seem to me to make it obvious that this is more of a reaction to the original movie than it is to the book, which is always disappointing in a remake where there is additional source material. It's even more annoying when there are some book-exclusive details that make it obvious the book was read by someone. I admit I like the Weir film, I think it is better than this series, but I can at least understand the impulse to see that, due to the nature of film, we lose a bit when we lose Lindsay’s third-person narration allowing us to understand the characters better, and want to restore that depth. But I think this series went about it in the wrong way. Although they came out in the same year, (and therefore probably weren’t influenced by each other) it seems to go for the The Haunting of Hill House netflix formula, and as someone who also wasn’t a fan of that series, it just doesn’t work for me. It’s not helped by the fact that every time book accurate dialog actually shows up it feels out of place, and often out of character with all the new additions that make up the majority of the story.

I think the book actually captures very well the repression that existed as a woman (or afab person) both in the time it was written, and now. Even after their disappearance the girls are scrutinized and obsessed over, almost like a cruel joke that even in places unknown they aren’t truly free from a world that venerated and caged them. I actually really like Lindsay’s unpublished ending, and it’s one of the things I kind of like the series for sticking with. The girls find a sort of ‘time-warp’ and go into it, to places unknown, and, one might hope, to a sort of freedom.

[mysticdragon3md3]

I think one of my favorite fanartists blocked me.

I can't reblog their fanart post. And though the Tumblr algorithm suggests their blog to me and suggests other posts which have reblogged their art, whenever I try to go to their blog or their original posts, Tumblr says there's nothing there. Google says this is one of the few ways to tell if you've been blocked on Tumblr.

Feel sad, but I can't blame them. I am a weirdo, and post some very strange rants and reactions. I've even disagreed with a lot of the fanon in my current OTP. They _should_ protect themselves from my weirdness.

Trying not to dwell on it. Many times, my anxiety has made me paranoid that a fandom community I loved/respected was shunning me. Thankfully, time proved my anxiety and paranoia wrong. But now it looks like I've found a case where it was true. It's just fortunate that by now, I've already felt so disconnected from my OTP's fandom that I don't feel as sad as I've felt before when I was simply paranoid about these same things. Odd. But i guess it's easier to take being blocked, vs finding angry posts about me.

But this once again makes me sad that I got out of Persona 5 fandom and into FE3H instead. P5 fandom was so nice and felt like a community. ...But it's probably my whiney posts like this, complaining about being caught into FE3H fandom, that would likely make anyone block me.

But how would anyone even find my whiney posts anyway? I don't use common tags. And I'm fairly certain almost all my Followers are bots. I've always treated my blog like no one was Following. The one time someone went through my blog to read posts with uncommon tags, it was after we had gotten into a back and forth reblog conversation. But I've never chatted with the fanartist who likely blocked me.

I wonder what I did wrong. Maybe I said something stupid in my reblog tag posts. Sometimes I forget that they can be read and I write tag comments mostly for me alone. Then I remember other people can read them and I quickly change it, hoping no one saw it. I still regret that time I rambled about some random personal memory of mine, in reblog tags on andrew's adorable dimiclaude fanart. I started ranting about how my cousin would always complain to me about how he ended up making an elaborate drawing on lined paper instead of nice sketch paper, because he thought he was just doodling, each time he started. Then I would always have to chide him into remembering to stop doodling on lined paper and just doodle on blank paper each time, because he'd never know when his doodles would turn elaborate. The way our conversations like this went, it seemed like my cousin was always baiting me into chiding him about it. Maybe that was "empathizing/sharing his frustration with himself", by hearing it externalized through me too. Then I realized that maybe if andrew saw my reminiscing tag comments, he might think I was chiding him for not drawing on nicer paper or something. Even though his paper doodles were just as lively and beautiful as his digital art! ;o;! I quickly changed those tag comments and hoped he didn't see them or thought they were addressed to him. I still wonder if I should DM an apology to andrew. I haven't seen him post to the OTP tag in a long time. ;_; I do say a lot of dumb stuff that would get me understandably blocked. ;_;

Everyday, I am reminded why I purposefully avoided having friends in real life. I just screw up every single interaction. ;_;

But practically speaking, I really should stop posting my every thought and reaction, at least in tag comments. I'd feel kind of wrong if I didn't post whatever I wanted, even my stupid reactionary thoughts, to my own blog, after for so long I advocated for making your blog for you, vs being too self-conscious about your Followers. I definitely have become more wary of stopping myself from writing long comments in reblog tags, like I used to. I've taken steps already. But maybe I should scale back a little bit on using my blog like my private journal. I've been writing my every thought as a post through Tumblr mobile, ever since my laptops have had problems, and I couldn't journal on them. But the thing is, I'm posting about things related to my experience of my fandoms, and recording all that is what my Tumblr blog is for. At least, for me. Again, if Windows Explorer was better at searching files, maybe I'd keep more of my thoughts in my private offline journals, like I used to. But Tumblr's search is just too good and it seems like a much more complete record of my fandom experience. I don't want to give up writing what I want on my blog. If Tumblr could search Private posts, I'd make more of my posts Private. Until then, I am doing what I can: I use unique tags now; I hide most text under a cut. I've done what I can. If someone is going to search through my blog anyway and feel off-put by my weirdness, blocking is all they can do too.

It really is weird that I'm not more broken up about this. Previous fandom experiences have had so much of my emotion invested in it, and my anxiety had my paranoia into overdrive, and any negativity set off my over-sensitivity to the extreme. Well, at least there's this one advantage to the fandom disconnection I've been lamenting for a while.

Maybe it's good to be reminded to not be so dependent on fandom community. Fandom community is really nice and it's fun, but all my enjoyment shouldn't be dependent and so fragile as to fall apart at any slight disagreement. After all, my experience of FE3H fandom has almost reverted back to how I used to experience fandom, back when I'd enjoy a series by myself and never interact with anyone about it. I'd write fanfics for myself and draw fanart for myself, and never show anyone. And I was having fun. I can't really lament feeling disconnected in FE3H fandom, when even enjoying it virtually by myself, is still fun in those same old lone ways. (With the exception of a few regular positive interactors from the fandom, and enjoying everyone's fanart, fics, and discussions, as a lurker. Thanks, everybody. You're so nice. ^_^ )

[maddest-scientist-ms]

Pity me, dear reader, for I have fallen to the misfortune the writers and painters of the capital call "The Artist's block", or something like that kinda similar but not quite.

As I'm the kind of artist who usually use visual medium, drawing and shit, I am suffering quite a bit from being unable to express myself due to loss of my tablet. And I don't have any like solid alternatives cause all my material for just regular paper drawing like pencils and markers and even paper ran out over the years of using tablet as I wasn't buying new one's, and at the moment I don't really feel like shopping for new material.

So, I've decided to try myself in writing. I mean I do want to make stories and not just disconnected pictures, so I would've need to get to it sooner or later anyway, and now is such a possibility, I've got time from drawing, nothing to do, and boy how many settings and ideas do I have.

But here's a problem.

I don't have any like characters or stories, I only have world building and multiple settings, but nothing to do there. I've got SCP-ish supernatural universe, sci-fi universe, fantasy universe, comedic fantasy universe, I've got universe of a towering town of inhuman monsters created by an angry god, yade yade bla bla bla, but like I've got all these awesome worlds but not a story to tell and I dunno what to do.

And so I'm sitting here, looking at a page describing a child exiting the old Soviet appartment building, and realize that I have no idea how to make like a good coherent story about eldritch horrors out of it and at the end of the evening nothing gets done.

And this sucks and I don't like it, so if anyone knows any advice that would be very much appreciated.

[the-city-kitty]

Bit of a rant.

I’m so unbelievably annoyed at how shot my confidence in my drawing has become. Like, I don’t consider myself an “artist” in that sense, drawing is not my main mode of artistic expression however it is one that after years of avoiding and hating it I learned to really like doing and found joy and fun in doing. I like to draw. Even if the final product isn’t necessary “good,” if I like how it looks at the end then that’s enough for me and I enjoy the process of getting there. At least I did.

I honestly have no idea what happened and that’s really the annoying part is sometimes you don’t realize what it is you’re internalizing until suddenly the thing that you really liked and you still want to like makes you feel so fucking awful every time you try to do it. I used to give way less of a shit and I would just fill a page with random doodles or I would spend time on an illustration, getting as detailed as my skill level allowed but still having fun the whole time. Now every time I start a sketch I’ll put down one single line and something in me just booms WRONG! YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!

And I know that to get better at art it takes practice and quite frankly I don’t practice at regular intervals cuz again, it’s not my main mode of expression, but at least for me the development of the skill is sort of secondary, cuz I don’t really start sketching with the goal to be better at the next sketch, I just want to sketch. So it’s incredibly frustrating that as soon as I put pencil to paper I get this innate sense of dread that I’m wasting time and supplies for something I’m not even that good at. It’s annoying because it was something that I struggled so hard to undo when I first got into drawing so that I could really enjoy it and it feels like somehow, without my noticing, I got back to square one again.

Part of it too is that I’ve made such big strides in getting back into writing and maintaining my motivation to write, unfortunately making that progress still hasn’t eliminated the part of me that reflexively thinks that any time spent not writing is a waste. It’s definitely a thought left ofer from the days when I was scared I would never pick up my pen again, but now that I’ve made progress it’s still stuck around, but now it’s just adapted to the new situation. And because drawing has always been a secondary hobby for me now every time I try, that thought just viciously attacks me every time. “Why would you waste time drawing when you could be working on your writing? Your writing is what you will be remembered for, that’s what’s more important.”

And quite frankly I really only started taking an interest in drawing because I wanted to draw fan art. Yes it has since expanded to wanting to draw my own OCs but fan art is where I got started and it’s what is plaguing me now. And it’s frustrating because I am a very visual thinker! I can “see” everything in my mind, and even then there’s reference images and I know intellectually that when I draw the characters I want to draw it doesn’t necessarily have to match up with the style of the show but there’s also something so intimidating about trying to figure out how to translate a character from their original art style into one that I can draw because… I don’t even know what my “art style” is. And that’s always what makes me stop and get frustrated and put my pencil down, fuck man today I got so stupidly close to having a small breakdown because I couldn’t find an eraser which meant I couldn’t fix any mistakes I made on the sketch I was trying to start. So I just… quit. And I’m getting so tired of wanting to draw and just quitting, cuz like I said, I see it all in my head and I think about drawing it and that thought makes me excited and happy and then as soon as I start trying to do it all that happiness just bleeds right back out of me.

It’s like there’s this disconnect between my brain and my hands and no matter what I do, switching from drawing on paper to digital drawing, trying to make the perfect setting (clean desk), or allotting myself plenty of time so I don’t have to worry about anything other than trying to enjoy the drawing process, I just… can’t anymore. And it makes me very very sad.

[wvendy]

Resoluções para um novo ano

A passagem de ano sempre é um momento ocupado, temos o costume de passar essa data com amigos ou familiares, em uma ceia quase que como fazemos no natal. Esse ano, o primeiro dia foi um dia histórico e que marca uma nova mudança para o meu país, visto que um novo presidente assume o poder. Sendo assim, o primeiro dia do ano foi bem ocupado também.

Só agora, no dia 2, depois de passar quase o dia todo descansando como não fazia há muito tempo, tive um momento para sentar, escrever e refletir. Nos últimos três anos estive em um movimento de me desligar da realidade, ao passo de que me afundava mais na minha ansiedade e melancolia. Tanto que eu não percebia o quão sozinha eu estava, pois estava sempre muito cansada fisicamente e exausta mentalmente. Além disso, ao me desligar da realidade eu me frustrava cada vez mais com a realidade, minha mente criativa estava sempre ativa, mas eu não tinha tempo ou forças para tornar concreto minhas criações.

Esse ano, quero fazer o caminho contrário, quero de alguma forma me reconectar com a realidade, fazer minha criatividade fluir para fora e se tornar concreta, para que deixem de ser apenas sonhos. Quero viver meus arredores, quer ver e conhecer pessoas novas e diferentes de mim, quero ler muitos livros e voltar a ter contato com culturas, quero desenhar o que eu vejo e o que eu imagino, quero contar as mais variadas histórias. Meu maior objetivo é em resumo, estourar a minha bolha.

Sei que nada muda do dia para a noite, mas estou disposta a me esforçar para que aos poucos eu consiga mudar pouco a pouco a minha realidade, e que isso torne minha existência nesse mundo menos dolorosa. 02/01/2023 - Dreafy ------ New Year's Eve is always a busy time, we usually spend this date with friends or family, in a supper almost like we do at Christmas. This year, the first day was a historic day and it marks a new change for my country, as a new president takes power. So the first day of the year was pretty busy too. Only now, on day 2, after spending most of the day resting like I haven't done in a long time, I had a moment to sit down, write and reflect. For the last three years I have been in a movement of disconnecting from reality, as I have sunk deeper into my anxiety and melancholy. So much so that I didn't realize how alone I was, as I was always very physically tired and mentally exhausted. Furthermore, as I disconnected from reality, I became increasingly frustrated with reality, my creative mind was always active, but I didn't have the time or strength to make my creations concrete. This year, I want to do the opposite, I want to somehow reconnect with reality, make my creativity flow out and become concrete, so that they are no longer just dreams. I want to live in my surroundings, I want to see and meet new and different people, I want to read a lot of books and get back in touch with cultures, I want to draw what I see and what I imagine, I want to tell the most varied stories. My biggest goal is, in short, to burst my bubble. I know that nothing changes overnight, but I am willing to make an effort so that little by little I can change my reality little by little, and that this makes my existence in this world less painful.

[halt-kun]

Hunter x Hunter Chapter 166 - Face-Off (9)

Last one for tonight

We’re pretty good

Gon is sweating a lot from his two rocks, it is really tiring for him

I hope he can take a shower after this because it must have been a while since he’s been in game

Tsezguerra is the only one considering the state of the player

he’s also a bit of a pessimist anyway

They are indeed in bad shape but they look cool and pretty good in those panels !

Killua is indeed very hurt

But look at how he can still smile !!!

Yep, it’s a child that’s suffered serious abuse, he can mask his actual feelings pretty well and smile while hurting internally

He can pretty much disconnect from his body

it’s a bad consequence of his upbringing my man

Also because he probably feels he would disappoint people by actually appearing hurt or not well when he is

The drawing is good

I love my two good boys

Best duo

The ring is bad enough, normally the whole skin should have been ripped with the ring

Let’s just say nen prevents the ring from moving once you’re inside the game

Also cool to still mention Tsezguerra still can do stuff they can’t

nen is always fun

like with the body, skills and strength work together and you can do a lot with skill alone even if you’re a bit behind in the strength department.

I’m a bit sad to realize a scene I like was added in the 2011 anime. They really did a good addition, highlighting Biscuit’s skill

I liked it

TIMEOUT

Razor likes to spin the ball

Tsez is a cool guy though

I have to agree with Tsez here, it’s not a cop out

Killua, stop trying to fake being fine challenge

Biscuit is a good mom

OUCH

You knew but seeing is quite different than just knowing

Gon looks a bit ashamed here, he knew but he still feels bad about hurting Killua

Here it comes

the famous confession line that’s traditionally used in Japan

I’m tearing up a bit, Gon trusts and loves Killua so much

Killua is honestly moved by it too, I bet he really isn’t confident enough to feel like he can be valued like that

Hisoka looks like his suspicions are being confirmed

For those who don’t know this line from Gon in japanese is a classic line used to confess one’s love, for more info on that go there

https://medium.com/anigay/let-me-begin-by-giving-you-a-puzzle-71aa326293cc

My current vision on the potentiality of Gon and Killua having a romance with each other is that it could go either way, Togashi isn’t dumb and he’s clearly coding some queerness into them as he did with many other characters in several of his works. 

He likes to play with queerness and I wouldn’t find it surprising at all if Gon and Killua’s relationship becomes romantic, for now they are friends and I’m sure Togashi’s freedom with Hunter x Hunter compared to Yu Yu Hakusho or Level E (or even things he wanted to write like Trouble Quartet) is pretty high but there could definitely be some pressure from the editors if he does that

Killua is so gay though

When I was a little gay (13 to 15) and 2011 was coming out, I basically convinced myself I couldn’t be gay because my feelings where just strong friendship like Killua’s feelings for Gon (I related a lot with Killua and identified a lot with his struggles)

this is the kind of conversation that became toxic a lot of times on forums so I’m always wary when I talk about it but some fans are so stubborn they would be capable to deny any prior hints at it if it happens. Some can see it though and agree it would make sense

Anyone saying it wouldn’t make sense, is definitely delusional and not familiar with Togashi’s work

I can definitely see this staying just a friendship too so I don’t care, their relationship makes sense as both and it’s beautifully written.

I love them

ANYWAY let’s catch this fucking ball

Hisoka really is down for all of Gon’s absurd ideas, Killua is a better person to be around him. Not buying into all he says and trying to think things through

Oh yeah emitted nen, back to Razor !!!

This guy is so dangerous he didn’t need all his aura to face Hisoka and Biscuit and put them in life threatening situation. 

Conjurer don’t need to recover their aura from conjured objects so really this is one thing that makes emitted beasts potentially viable in the case of Razor. All conjurers would become weaker when they conjure stuff otherwise and that’d be pretty dumb. Especially since it’d be like having aura removed from your usual pool just to make an item that needs the use of shu to compete with nen abilities

The cost would be double

BUT you used it like a few weeks ago to destroy the troupe’s ship ????

COMBINE

really one of the most wtf moment in Hunter x Hunter

46 - I wouldn’t be down with having a sentient girl kept somewhere to produce gold

47 - oh yeah someone sleeping in your place, pretty cool

48 - Nice smell girl

49 - fuck it a pet mermaid is also fucked up

50 - a little dinosaur, very cool

51 - pet dragon that can talk

52 - weird grasshopper with pearls

53 - king white beetle (we know it)

54 - a butterfly

it was the pet/insects card list

GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL

THE END for tonight

[lets-talk-spirituality]

https://at.tumblr.com/lets-talk-spirituality/httpsattumblrcomlets-talk-spiritualityhttpsa/jtz5amx4lgdv

Do u feel anything from me and any messages or advices from my spirit guides or higher self if I have any of these and why I'm like this way and what should I do ? I cannot communicate I don't have anything that you have :(( I have a few more questions but I want to ask these first I'll understand if you don't get anything from me or don't want to answer at all thank u anyway🙁🧍

I feel such a heaviness to your energy, like weighted down. I can read in your ask that you may struggle with victimizing yourself (I do too and this isn’t meant to like upset or hurt you, just what I’m being called to say) and a lot of time we play the victim so we can be the martyr because it’s a way to get our needs met. Sometimes the need for love, connection or just validation. I think your guides want you to have compassion for yourself but from a place of empowerment and not putting yourself down. I think this may be blocking you from being able to feel them. I think you are very attached and wrapped in the story you are living and detaching would be helpful.

We love you and we want you to see that you are holding yourself back by trying too hard. You are trying too hard to be all the things you think you should be instead of accepting and allowing yourself to be what you are. It’s not easy to be yourself when you don’t know who that is. You need to find yourself, we want you to explore all that you are, you have so much potential and you can do and learn great things but you won’t let yourself because you’d rather keep the story alive that nothing good happens for me. Disconnect from this story. It isn’t serving yourself. It’s time to write a new story, my love. It’s time to let go of who you believe you are. You created that self concept years ago and it’s hurting you now. We understand you created it to protect yourself and this is not shame you should feel, but we want you to cry with realizing how much you’ve abused your own self. It hurts us and it pains us because we see all that you are and you are focusing on such a small sliver of the pie. Please open your horizons. Say yes and let us in. Truly. Sit in silence and stillness and learn to feel the difference in energies. Learn what energy feels like yours and is not yours. Yes you have not been able to differentiate and it’s why you suffer so. Spend reflective time in nature. Do releasing meditations

Okay so they want me to explain releasing meditations. Sit outside and go to grass or something thriving. Envision touching this plant and drawing on its pure life force and thank it for helping clear your energy. Send energy that is heavy into the earth where it can be transmuted. You can also do a lot of clearing, like getting rid of stuff to release your old patterns. Like buying new clothes can bring fresh energy, cutting your hair or trying a new hobby. Burning can also help you release emotions. I like to open my windows to keep energy circulating so the energy doesn’t get stagnant! I hope some of this resonates and helps. Feel free to send more asks or dms for clarity.

[thephantomthiefwes]

So it’s really late rn, but I had a vague idea when I was drawing earlier and now I need to get this written down to sort out my thoughts. I’m kinda just thinking through this as I write so excuse me if it’s not super coherent. So here’s my take on the whole “Ingo gets sent back in time” thing

Obviously Ingo existing ~300 before he was ever alive in the first place is going to cause some issues, both for himself and Emmet. (Maybe he inadvertently does something that changes the flow of history, I’m not entirely sure yet, but) I’m thinking the moment Ingo falls through space/time and lands in Hisui, it causes a paradox and things just....break. Both the twins are still alive, but also very much not at the same time, they never were alive in the first place. Ingo has no memory of what happened to him or who he is, and no one in Hisui would have known him, so it takes a while for him to realize something is horribly wrong. (y’know, other than the concerning lack of memories.)  He wakes up in the middle of a field of snow, and it’s bitterly, painfully cold, but that doesn’t seem to have any negative effect on him. He can still feel how cold it is, and it’s unpleasant, but it doesn’t slow him down, no matter how long he’s out in the snow the hypothermia and frostbite never set in. He can feel hunger, or something like it, but food doesn’t seem to help, and the lack of it doesn’t seem to make the feeling any worse. Flames flicker out and die around him, like his presence is snuffing them out. Maybe he eventually correlates those two things, realizing that he’s taking the energy from the fire. The first time one of the pearl clan members see him in the dark, they nearly scream at the sight of his eyes glowing ever so slightly. It’s mystery upon mystery, but without the context of who he was before, it’s all just pieces in the jumbled up puzzle that is his life now.  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For Emmet, the event is much more sudden and much, much, more horrifying of an ordeal. There’s a sudden sound like glass shattering, like gears grinding and metal tearing all at once and it hurts: a sharp, all-consuming pain that stops almost as quickly as it starts. He manages to pull himself out of it, and everyone around him is carrying on as if nothing happened at all. For a second, he almost believes that nothing is exactly what happened. But then one of the other subway employees speak to him. “Conductor, are you alright?” they ask. Nobody that works there has ever addressed him as anything but Emmet. The more he tries to speak with people, the more he realizes that nobody seems to know him. They recognize him as a conductor, as the boss of the subway (And that sends a whole new wave of panic over him, the way they speak as if he’s the only one.) but any personal details like his name, his mannerisms, seem entirely new to everyone. He tries frantically to contact Ingo, but he’s not answering, and nobody seems to even know who he is, much less where he is. The entire affair has him too freaked out, too in a daze to notice that he’s also experiencing a disconnect with the world like Ingo is: the lack of effect temperature or food seem to have on him. However for Emmet, it’s not fire, but electricity that seems to help. The trains take just a little bit more energy to run when he’s on them, and sometimes computers or other electronics flicker or their batteries drain faster when he’s around. 

[hamliet]

The Crows Summon the Sun

Or, Hamliet’s review of Shadow & Bone, which gets a 4.5/5 for enjoyment and a 3.5/5 in terms of writing.

The true heroes of this story and the saviors of the show are the Crows. However, the problem is that the show then has an uneven feel, because the strength of the Crows plotline highlights the weaknesses of the trilogy storyline. But imo, overall, the strengths overshadow (#punintended) the weaknesses. 

I’ll divide the review into the narrative and the technical (show stuff, social commentary), starting with narrative.

Narrative: The Good 

It’s What The Crows Deserve

I went into the show watching it for the Crows; however, knowing that their storyline was intended to be a prequel, I wasn’t terribly optimistic. And while it is a prequel, the characters have complete and full arcs that perfectly set them up for the further development they will have in the books (which I think should be the next season?). Instead of retreading the arcs they’d have in the books, which is how prequels usually go, they had perfect set up for these arcs. It’s really excellent. 

Jesper, Inej, and Kaz are all allowed to be flawed, to have serious conflicts with one another, and yet to love each other. They feel like a found family in the best of ways. Kaz is the perfect selfish rogue; he’s a much more successfully executed Byronic hero than the Darkling, actually. Inej is heroic and her faith is not mocked, yet she too is flawed and her choices are not always entirely justified, but instead left to the audience to ponder (like killing the girl), which is a more mature writing choice that I appreciated. 

Jesper is charming, has a heart of gold despite being a murderer and on the surface fairly greedy, and MILO THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT GOAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER. I also liked Jesper’s fling with Dima but I felt it could be better used rather than merely establishing his sexuality, like if Jesper and Dima had seen each other one more time or something had come of their tryst for the plot/themes/development of Jesper. 

Nina and Matthias’s backstory being in the first season, instead of in flashbacks, really works because it automatically erases any discomfort of the implications of Nina having falsely accused Matthias that the books start with. We know Nina, we know Matthias, we know their motivations, backgrounds, and why they feel the way we do. It’ll be easy for the audience to root for them without a lot of unnecessary hate springing from misunderstanding Nina (since she’s my favorite). Matthias’s arc was also really strongly executed and satisfyingly tragic. Their plotline was a bit unfortunately disconnected from the rest of the story, but Danielle Gallagan and Callahan Skogman have absolutely sizzling chemistry so I found myself looking forward to their scenes instead of feeling distracted. Also? It’s nice seeing a woman with Nina’s body type as a romantic and powerful character. 

Hamliet Likes Malina Now

Insofar as the trilogy storyline goes, the best change the show made was Mal. He still is the same character from the books, but much more likable. The pining was... a lot (too much in episode 4, I felt) but Malina is a ship I actually enjoyed in the show while I NOTP’d it in the books. Mal has complexity and layers to his motivations (somewhat) and a likable if awkward charm. Archie Renaux was fantastic. 

Ben Barnes is the perfect Aleksandr Kirigan, and 15 year old me, who had the biggest of big crushes on Ben Barnes (first celebrity crush over a decade ago lol), was pretty damn happy lol. He’s magnificantly acted--sympathetic and terrifying, sincerely caring and yet villainous in moments. Story-wise, I think it was smart to reveal his name earlier on than in the books, because it helps with the humanization especially in a visual medium like film. Luda was a fitting (if heartbreaking) backstory, but it is also hard for me to stomach knowing what the endgame of his character is. Like... I get the X-men fallacy thing, but I hope the show gives more kindness to his character than the books did, yet I’m afraid to hold my breath. Just saying that if you employ save the cat, if you directly say you added this part (Luda) to make the character more likable (as the director did) please do not punish the audience for feeling what you intended. 

I also liked the change that made Alina half-Shu. It adds well to her arc and fits with her character, actually giving her motivations (she kinda just wants to be ordinary in a lot of ways) a much more interesting foundation than in the books. Also it’s nice not to have another knock-off Daenerys (looking to you Celaena and book!Alina). Jessie Mei Li does a good job playing Alina’s insecurities and emotions, but... 

Narrative: The Ehhhhhhh

Alina the Lamp

Sigh. Here we go. Alina has little consistent characterization. She’s almost always passive when we see her, yet she apparently punches an officer for calling her a name and this seems to be normal for her, but it doesn’t fit at all with what we know about her thus far. Contradictions are a part of humanity, but it’s never given any focus, so it comes across as inconsistent instead of a flaw or repression. 

I have no idea what Alina wants, beside that she wants to be with Mal, which is fine except I have no idea what the basis of their bond is. Even with like, other childhood friends to lovers like Ren/Nora in RWBY or Eren/Mikasa in SnK, there’s an inciting moment, a reason, that we learn very early on in their story to show us what draws them together. Alina and Mal just don’t have that. There’s the meadow/running away thing, but they were already so close, and why?  Why, exactly? What brought them together? The term “bullies” is thrown around but it isn’t ever explored and it needed to be this season. If I have to deal with intense pining for so many episodes at least give me a foundation for their devotion. You need to put this in the beginning, in the first season. You just do.

A “lamp” character is a common metaphor to describe a bad character: essentially, you could replace the character with a lamp and nothing changes. Considering Alina’s gift is light, it’s a funnily apt metaphor, but it really does apply. Her choices just don’t... matter. She could be a special lamp everyone is fighting over and almost nothing would change. The ironic thing is that everyone treating her like a fancy lamp is exactly the conflict, but it’s never delved into. We’re never shown that Alina is more than a lamp. She never has to struggle because her choices are made for her and information is gifted to her when she needs it. Not making choices protects Alina from consequences and the story gives her little incentive to change that; in fact, things tend to turn out better when she doesn’t make choices (magic stags will arrive). 

Like... let’s look at a few occasions when Alina almost or does make choices. For example, she chooses to (it seems) sleep with Kirigan, but then there’s a convenient knock at the door and Bhagra arrives with key information that changes Alina’s mind instantly despite the fact that Bhagra’s been pretty terrible to her. If you want to write a woman realizing she’s been duped by a cruel man, show her discovering it instead of having the man’s abusive mother tell her when she had absolutely no such suspicions beforehand. There’s no emotional weight there because Alina doesn’t struggle. 

When she is actually allowed to carry out a bad choice, the consequences are handwaved away instead of built into a challenge for her. Like... Alina got her friends killed. More than once. I’m not saying she’s entirely to blame for these but could we show her reacting to it? Feeling any sort of grief? She never mentions Raisa or Alexei after they’re gone, just Mal, and I’m... okay. They were there because of you. Aren’t you feeling anything? Aren’t you sad? The only time Alina brings up her friends’ deaths is to tell Kirigan he killed her friends when they were only there because she burned the maps. She yells at Kirigan for “never” giving her a choice, but she almost never makes any, so why would he? Alina has the gall to lecture Genya about choices, but she herself almost never has to make any. 

Which brings me to another complaint in general: Alina’s lack of care for everyone around her when they’re not Mal, even if they care for her. Marie dies because of her (absolutely not her fault of course) but as far as we know she never even learns about Marie. She certainly doesn’t ever ask about her or Nadia. Alina seems apathetic at best to people, certainly not compassionate or kind. 

The frustrating thing is that there is potential here. Like, it actually makes a lot of psychological sense for an orphan who has grown up losing to be reluctant to care for people outside of her orbit and that she would struggle to believe she can have any say in her destiny (ie make choices). It’s also interesting that a girl who feels like an outsider views others outside her. But the show never offers examines Alina’s psychology with any depth; it simply tells us she’s compassionate when she is demonstrably not, it tells us she makes decisions when it takes magical intervention to do so. It’s a missed opportunity. This does not change between episodes 1 and 8, despite the episodes’ parallel structures and scenes, which unintentionally reinforces that Alina had little real development. 

Inej and ironically Jesper and Kaz embody the concept of “mercy” far better and with far more complexity than Alina does. The Crows have reactions to the loss of people who even betray them (Arken, etc), learn, and course-correct (or don’t) when they are even loosely involved in having strangers die. They’re good characters because they change and learn and have their choices matter. When they kill we see them wrestle with it and what this means even if they are accustomed to doing so. Jesper can’t kill in front of a child. Kaz wonders what his killings do to Inej’s idea of him.

Narrative: The Mixed Bag

Tropes, Themes, Telling vs. Showing

So the show’s themes in the Alina storyline are a mess, as they are in the trilogy too. Tropes are a very valuable way to show your audience what you’re trying to say. They’re utilized worldwide because they resonate with people and we know what to expect from them. The Crows' storyline shows us what it wants us to learn.

Preaching tells, and unfortunately, the trilogy relies on telling/preaching against fornicationBad Boys. It’s your right to write any trope or trample any trope you want--your story--but you should at least understand what/why you are doing so. The author clearly knows enough about Jungian shadows and dark/light yin/yang symbolism to use it in the story, but then just handwaves it away as “I don’t like this” but never does so in a narratively effective way: addressing the appeal in the first place. If you really wanna deconstruct a trope, you gotta empathize with the core of the reason these tropes appeal to people (it allays deep fears that we are ourselves unlovable, through loving another person despite how beastly they can be), and address this instead of ignoring it. Show us a better way through the Fold of your story. Don’t just go around it and ignore the issue.

The trilogy offers highly simplistic themes at best--bad boy bad and good boy good, which is fine-ish for kid lit but less fine for adult complexity, which the show (more so than the books) seems to try to push despite not actually having much of it.

Alina and Mal are intended to be good, we’re told they are, but I’m not sure why beyond just that we’re told so. Alina claims the stag chose her, but in the show it’s never explained why at all. Unlike with Kaz, Inej, Jesper, and hell even Matthias and Nina, we don’t see Alina or Mal’s complex choices and internal wrestling. 

Like, Inej’s half-episode where she almost killed the guy they needed was far more character exploration than Alina has the entire show, to say nothing of Inej’s later killing which not only makes her leaps and bounds more interesting, but ironically cements her as a far more compelling and yes, likable, heroine than Alina. We see Inej’s emotional and moral conflict. We can relate to her. We see Kaz struggling with his selfishness and regrets, with his understanding of himself through his interactions with and observations of Inej, Alina, the Darkling, Arken, and Jesper.

We don’t explore what makes Mal or Alina good and what makes them bad. We don’t know what Alina discovers about herself, what her power means for her. We are told they are good, we are told she knows her power is hers, but never shown what this means or what this costs them/her. Their opportunities to be good are handed to them (the stag, Bhagra) instead of given to them as a challenge in which they risk things, in which doing good or making a merciful choice costs them. Alina gets to preach about choices without ever making any; Inej risks going back to the Menagerie to trust Kaz. Her choices risk. They cost. They matter and direct her storyline and her arc, and those of the people around her.

Production Stuff:

The Good: 

The production overall is quite excellent. The costumes, pacing, acting, and cinematography (for example, one of the earliest scenes between the Darkling and Alina has Alina with her back to the light, face covered in his shadow, while the Darkling’s face is light up by her light even if he stands in the shadows) are top-notch. The soundtrack as well is incredible and emphasizes the scenes playing. The actors have great chemistry together, friend chemistry and romantic when necessary (Mal and Alina, the Darkling and Alina, Kaz and Inej, Nina and Matthias, David and Genya, etc.) All are perfectly cast. 

The Uncomfortable Technicalities Hamliet Wants to Bitch About:

The only characters from fantasy!Europe having any trace of an accent reminiscent of said fantasy country's real-world equivalent are antagonists like Druskelle (Scandinavia) and Pekka (Ireland). When the heroes mostly have British accents despite being from fantasy Russia and Holland, it is certainly A Choice to have the Irish accent emphasized. The actor is British by the way, so I presume he purposely put on an Irish accent. I'm sure no one even considered the potential implications of this but it is A Look nonetheless.

The Anachronisms Hamliet Has a Pet Peeve About: 

The worldbuilding is compelling, but the only blight on the worldbuilding within the story itself (ignoring context) was that there are some anachronisms that took me out of the story, particularly in the first episode where “would you like to share with the class” and “saved by the horn” are both used. Both are modern-day idioms in English that just don’t fit, especially the latter. The last episode uses “the friends we made along the way.” There are other modern idioms as well.

IT’S STARKOVA and Other Pet Peeves Around the Russian Portrayal 

Russian names are not hard, and Russian naming systems are very, very easy to learn. I could have waved “Starkov” not being “Starkova,” “Nazyalensky” not being “Nazyalenskaya,”  and “Safin” not being “Safina” as an American interpretation (since in America, the names do not femininize). However, “Mozorova” as a man is unfathomable and suggests to me the author just doesn’t understand how names work, which is a bit... uh okay considering a simple google search gets you to understand Russian names. They aren’t hard. I cannot understand why the show did not fix this. It is so simple to fix and would be a major way to help the story’s overall... caricature of Russia. 

Speaking of that... Ravka is supposedly Russian-based, but it is more accurately based on the stereotypes of what Americans think of Russia. Amerussia? Russica? Not great. 

The royals are exactly what Americans think of the Romanovs, right down to the “greasy” “spiritual advisor” who is clearly Rasputin and which ignores the Romanov history, very real tragedy, and the reason Rasputin was present in the court. The religion with all its saints is a vapid reflection of Russian Orthodoxy. The military portrayal with its lotteries and brutality and war is how the US views the Russian military. The emphasis on orphans, constant starvation, classification, and children being ripped from their homes to serve the government is a classic US understanding of USSR communism right down to the USSR having weapons of destruction the rest of the world fears (Grisha). Not trying to defend the Soviet Union here at all, but it is simplistic and reductive and probably done unconsciously but still ehhhh. 

However, I’m not Russian. I just studied Russian literature. I’ve seen very little by way of discussion of this topic online, but what I do see from Russian people has been mixed--some mind, some don’t. The reality is that I actually don’t really mind this because it’s fantasy, though I see why some do. I'm not like CANCEL THIS. So why am I talking about this beyond just having a pet peeve?

Well, because it is a valid critique, and because it doesn’t occur in a vacuum. The Grishaverse is heralded as an almost paragon for woke Young Adult literature, which underlines itself what so frustrates me about how literary circles discuss issues of diversity and culture. Such praise, while ignoring its quasi-caricature of Russia, reflects a very ethnocentric (specifically American) understanding of culture, appropriation, and representation. All stories are products of their culture to various extents, but it bothers me on principle what the lit community reacts (and overreacts sometimes?) to and what people give a pass to. The answer to what the community reacts to and what it gives a pass always pivots on how palatable the appropriation is to American understandings and sensibilities. There’s nuance here as well, though. 

I'm not cancelling the story or thinking it should be harshly attacked for this, but it is something that can be discussed and imo should be far more often--but with the nuance it begs, instead of black/white. But that’s a tall ask.