#i remember a comment on my other art saying 'it should be bigger'

[dlartistanon]

Fitting meme to remember her other legacy

[ccrites]

i've been thinking of getting a tattoo for a long time, not only because i want to, but also to cover an old stick'n'poke i got when i was 15.

and so it got me thinking of the 141 tattoo artist!au. and oh boy.

Kyle would be an absolute sweetheart. not judging the stupid decisions a teenager made. more like "you wanted a tattoo and you went out of your way to get it, that's awesome. now how about we enhance it instead of covering it, whaddya think pretty girl?" and he'd draw around it, incorporate it into his art, go over the parts that are faded and uneven, then, when he's finished, wipe it gently and go "there, what should've been your first real tattoo" with his blinding smile and a promise to also be the one to do your next one

Johnny would be excited about finding creative ways to make parts of the stick'n'poke incorporate into other elements, make it so you'd never know it was there. but he's also a bit of a freak! making sort of mean comments about, "such a stupid decision, you were but a wee lass and ye didn't know what you wanted! thank god Johnny's here ta' fix ya'". It doesn't help that the tattoo you got was somewhere hidden, somewhere your parents wouldn't see on summer vacation (think where your underwear would cover it, or under your bra straps!) and he'd be such a creep! Sitting closer than absolutely necessary, looking at you too intensely. At the end, he'd suggest a truly hidden tattoo, "Only for me to see, bun, whaddya say?"

Ghost would be the type to frown behind the mask and look at you meanly, and you're afraid that he'd judge you for doing this kind of thing (you had your reasons, okay? some rough period in your life, you needed catharsis, and you were too young to get a real tattoo) and he'd be really condescending, all "there's a reasons youngins can't get them. Cuz' it's a stupid decision to make." and he'd huff and draw the most exquisite art you'd seen, all black, bold lines, and way, way bigger than necessary to cover the small tattoo. If the tattoo was on your hip, he'd extend it from your waist all the way down to your knee, make it flow with your curves, accentuate the stretch marks, and you can't say no because you absolutely adore the style. if the tattoo was on your ribs (bra straps, remember?" he'd extend it under your tits, bring it back over the clavicle, make it to be seen. and the pain. oh the pain. "you said you wanted catharsis, right?"

John would absolutely be on Ghost's side, with "there's a reason they don't let kids get tattoos" and you hear the underlying what a fucking mistake, and you see how he judges you... it makes you want to get it from him the most. Until you get to the consultation, and he tells you to get it lasered off first. But it's so faded, it should be easy to cover, no? you argue. he won't budge. So you get the expensive laser. it sorta hurts mentally, because you got it done with your best friend, and you always assumed you'd keep it there, underneath another layer of ink, where only you would remember it. It takes a few sessions, but then the skin is clean, a blank canvas for John to paint on. and paint he does. it's the most gorgeous piece you could ever imagine, you can see the inspiration Ghost draws from him, all bold shapes that flow into each other and compliment your body. Your skin is raw and pink when he's done, and you get up to admire the work... until you get a closer look in the mirror. you know exactly where the old tattoo would've been, and you'd expected to not be able to place it, under the new art. in its stead, two letters, black, bold, beautifully intertwined.... J.P. ... He'd put his lips next to your ear as you stand in shocked silence. "You're my canvas now."

[counting-eyerolls]

this is me being angry about people's reactions to creative decisions in media so rambling under the cut.

jjk 236 spoilers for those who did not see the tags.

i think it's genuinely concerning how some people consume media. it's your comfort piece of art and something that you adore with all your being and you write about it and post about it and talk about it but the second your favourite dies (said favourite happening to be one of the "hot" characters) boom it's shit and you shouldn't have read it and you come up with insults and slurs towards the creator.

in the past 1.5h i've been awake today i have seem so much hate towards an artist all because of a newly posted chapter and the way it progresses/ends.

yes this is about jjk and chapter 236. (spoilers ahead, last warning)

i feel like the point of any creative piece (writing, visual art, music etc) is to send a message and have the readers/watchers etc feel something because of your work. it's to send an emotion.

remember how we all felt when geto was dying? i sure do. he was and still is my favourite, dead and all. broke my heart -- it all did, not just his death but everything leading up to it (in terms of satosugu moments and symbolism for example). i didn't see this much hate though. maybe this is because by the time he died, he had already become one of the negative characters and people already had new favourites to focus on, heck if i know.

still.

i mean obviously, nobody likes the fact that your favourite character gets killed but it is about the vision of the author/artist etc. geto dying gave us so much symbolism and so many parallels and character development (for gojo, for example) etc without which he probably wouldn't have turned into the character everyone is obsessed with. it was part of a complex backstory and character development, it showed us how the specific character was dealing with problems which aren't that easy to deal with, it showed how the influence of those around him (or lack thereof) affected him and why he ended up choosing the path that he chose etc. yes, it was sad that he died, but it was part of a bigger story. still i think it's unbelievable to insult and criticize someone so much because of a choice they made with the character they created. i get that it sucks that your fav dies or suffers but try to appreciate the fact that no artist owes anyone anything and they are still creating and publishing and putting their art out for you to consume and sharing their creativity with you. would you have preferred that you never had said art piece at all?

imagine you come up with a story that's so awesome to you and you're proud of it but halfway through you start getting hate for it because you kill someone in the middle of it. when it was your story to begin with ?? so you are allowed to do whatever you like ?? literally no rules. but the people criticizing you don't know what you plan to do with this in the long run so they just, well, hate. this is what i cant accept, no matter the fandom or the characters, whether they're fictional or based on real people or stage personas etc. not agreeing with a creative decision (in fiction or otherwise) is perfectly acceptable. sending hate to the creator because you do not like it? unacceptable.

stop consuming it then. it's just as easy to stop as it is to pick up.

and it disgusts me that people who should know better are doing this. people who are fic writers themselves. maybe not directly sending hate to the creator but commenting and posting about it (using dare i say quite shitty wording as well). this is not only telling everyone that you share this opinion but encouraging others who feel the same to follow your example, even if you are not explicitly doing it. you are encouraging, for example, followers that are younger and do not know better (not because "when you're young you don't know anything", but because it is true that at a younger age you are not able to fully understand certain principles and thought processes and what is right or not) to do the same and who knows, said influenced people (whether old or young, doesn't matter) can then take the hate further to the creator. you are inactively telling people who do not know better that it is okay to do this. why? because to you it is "so serious ong" or because "you are disgusted" by this creative decision and so on. as a fic writer on tumblr you sometimes become somebody that readers and those who do not have the confidence to share their work look up to. and you normalize this behaviour because you are upset that the sexy white haired guy died when you liked to write fics about him. you normalize this behaviour and find it acceptable to do this (because if you didn't find it acceptable, would you be doing it in the first place?) just because you refuse to take a deep breath and look at things from another perspective.

in my opinion it also shows that you are unable to take a step back and see the bigger picture or appreciate said creative decision in relation to the whole creative work. how do you know that your favourite dying will not change the story in the best way possible? you do not know, because the story is still ongoing.

so you are basically consuming the media but not actually appreciating any of the work and thought that go into it. you don't see it as something that is trying to send a message. you don't see the work that gets put into it. more importantly, you don't think that maybe the point of the author/creator is to do more than just write hot characters. so you are not appreciating the thought process behind it but when you don't like something? you are way too quick to criticize and insult. i am not saying you should like or agree or enjoy everything that happens. but you also cannot choose to insult and slur your way out of something you don't particularly like, especially when it doesn't seem like you give praise and what is deserved when you do actually agree and like the creative decisions that have been taken. so if you cannot do the opposite (aka being positive about moments in the media you consume) why do you feel the need to be so vocal and negative about things you do not agree with. has it occured to you that maybe you don't understand the full creative thought process?

disagree with creative decisions, come up with actual thoughts on why you think it wasn't right to do so or why it shouldn't have been done in the first place, come up with arguments and reasons why you think it doesn't make sense or why it isn't realistic. analyze the characters and the actions that the creator is making them do. maybe it's out of character or maybe it's a plot hole. who knows. come up with an opinion and justify why it is so "disgusting" for you to experience said part of the work. you will never achieve anything with insults and slander just because you are unhappy.

i don't feel the need for people to validate what i am saying or agree with me. but if you do not agree with me at least try telling me why. this is the essence of what i am saying: you can have a different opinion and not agree with someone but still be respectful of their decision to think or act that way. in art or in the real world.

you will also never know why the person thinks a certain way if you don't at least try to understand or ask them about it.

anyway yea.

[thisaintascenereviews]

I Was Wrong About Deathcore

Deathcore as a genre has gone through quite a transformation over the last 20 years, especially in its early years. Bands like Bring Me The Horizon, Veil Of Maya, All Shall Perish, Suicide Silence, Whitechapel, and Job For A Cowboy brought forth a style of metalcore that took death metal elements into the fold, creating a heavier and more menacing sound. Unfortunately, the metal community hated it, and deathcore was mocked incessantly by the metal community. I remember countless metal publications crapping all over the genre, like it was nothing, and many elitists would say it’s not “real metal,” which you also heard with metalcore, but look at how big both genres are now. In retrospect, those people that doubted the genre and mocked it, their comments haven’t aged well, because both of these genres are insanely huge. Deathcore, in particular, is doing well for itself, but it wasn’t always like that. You can say the same for metalcore as well, and I’ve got a piece in the works about that, but for now, let’s talk about deathcore, and where it’s been for the past decade and where it may potentially go in the future.

I’ve expressed before that I’m just not into the genre anymore, but I’ve recently spent some time with a handful of albums, both from bands I know and bands I don’t, and I’ve come to the realization that I was wrong about the quality of the genre over the last few years. That’s not to say I’m a diehard fan now, but I wanted to write this piece to explain how I went from loving the genre as a teenager to not being much of a fan in my late 20s, only to enjoy it more now at 30. It seems like things like this go full circle, because I was the same way with metalcore as well, and only up until about five or six years ago, I didn’t really listen to a lot for the longest time. I loved deathcore in high school, partially because it was the “heaviest” music I had ever heard, at least at the time. I had already been a fan of metalcore, but deathcore was even heavier. The genre reached its peak in the early 2010s with the second coming of the genre, and that included Carnifex, Whitechapel, Thy Art Is Murder, and a lot of other bands. Those bands were already around, but they only ended up getting bigger. After a certain point, however, I saw the genre start to turn to how heavy and “brutal” a band could get, instead of writing good songs.

One of my biggest issues with heavier music that I run into a lot, depending on the genre, is that bands never know how to write a cohesive song, and instead, they want to be as heavy and brutal as possible, as well as cram as many riffs and breakdowns as possible. Bonus points if the vocalist sounds like a garbage disposal as well. I see this in progressive metal a lot, too, where the bands play as intricately and technical as possible, but they can’t make a catchy or accessible song worth a damn. There was a point where I thought musicianship was more important, but I don’t think so these days. These days, I’m more into listening to catchy and accessible stuff that has something to go back to, versus something that sounds impressive. Sure, you can play your instruments well, but why should I care if I don’t have anything to go back to? Deathcore has been going in that direction recently, being that bands are starting to be more accessible and memorable, versus trying to be as heavy and brutal as possible.

Lorna Shore’s latest record, Pain Remains, is a good example of that, but at the same time, that album is a good example of being over the top and overblown. Pain Remains is at an 11 constantly with its brand of symphonic and blackened deathcore, and while the album does try to get heavy and brutal, there is a lot of variety in both the musicianship and vocals. I reviewed that album a couple of years ago, and my biggest issue with it was how intense and over the top it was, but I don’t think it bothers me as much now, because I just needed to sink my teeth more into it. I didn’t spend enough time with it, and I see the album’s importance now, but I will admit that it’s a very overwhelming album at times, because it throws a lot at you. It throws a lot of different things, though, and that’s a good thing. Relistening to that album recently made me dive back into the genre for a bit, including the new Carnifex album from last year, Necromanteum. I liked that album a lot when it came out, despite it being pretty similar to what they’ve been doing, but Carnifex is a good example of a deathcore band that has more going for them than just being brutal and heavy. They utilize symphonics as well, and black metal riffery, so there’s more or less a good amount of variety on the album.

I’ve listened to a handful of other things, including the new Drown In Sulphur album, Dark Secrets Of The Soul, and I will say that blackened deathcore has become the new trend of the genre, aside from being brutal and heavy, but it all depends on the band’s ability to execute it. Like with all trends, it’ll fade, and the next new thing will come, but it looks like bands trying to be as brutal as possible is the thing of the past and the blackened deathcore sound is what’s big, so I’m looking at the genre with some optimism again, and I’m enjoying some of what I’m hearing. Another great album I’ve been into is the debut Ov Sulfur album, The Burden Ov Faith, in which the band tackles symphonic and blackened deathcore, along with some metalcore and hard rock influence by including clean vocals on the majority of the record.

It’s not that I don’t like bands being really heavy and brutal, it’s that I don’t care for it when that itself is the gimmick. There’s nothing with merely doing that, and sounding like that, but I want there to be more at this point in time. Maybe 20 years ago, it was new and fresh, but now it’s boring and played out, so I’m happy to see a band like Lorna Shore really do something with that. Other bands are following suit, and who knows where the genre will go in the next few years, especially when this trend dies down, but if this is where the the genre is now, I could get into this. Deathcore may not reach the same heights it did ten years ago, but times change, and it’s great to see some newer bands carrying the torch for any certain style of music.

[grumpycakes]

Your booth looks so beautiful and professional!! I hope you had fun at the con! ❤️

And when you'll have time/feel like it could you please share how you put all those goodies up? The last time I used meshes like half of my prints were ruined and uh not looking forward to that 😭

Awww thanks so much!!! It was weird and slow Friday, but the interactions I had with people did and always do make every con magical and so fulfilling 💕

So for the meshes I stabilize them by constructing them with zip ties instead of the connector pucks they come with. I then make them not move around by putting the bins I organize my product in in the cubbies they make. They may shake but they won’t be falling.

As for the prints, when I’m not in a corner I tend to get most of my generic/non shippy art up on that clothesline-esque string. I get tiny clothes pins from either dollar tree, Walmart, or internet (I no longer remember my bad) and those hold them up without denting or damage.

Aaaas for the ones on the mesh directly, as I feel from your comment you’ve tried, I use masking tape. This will inevitably mess up prints. I do take into account and printing that I will have 1-2 “”display”” prints that will just be liable to damage (and if I have to sell I will usually give a discount)

Pic for ref

But I have managed to make it a little less damaging by

1. Ripping off a bunch of pieces of tape and sticking them to my arm. Partly to have easy access to tape as I’m taping up multiple at a time. BUT added benefit, this makes the tape less sticky enough that it is LESS LIKELY to rip the print if you take them off gently. Truly what has saved a bunch of prints

2. Different printers use different paper and Catprints uses paper (espeeeecially on holographic prints) that just doesn’t get ripped as easy??? Idk if it’s a coating or what, but the prints from the first printer I used rip like YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE.

But I do always keep an eye on other setups and see what they’re doing. I have seen people

- use these TEENY TINY magnets on either side of the print to hold it up. Again, apart from a small dent seems good.

- print on a bigger sheet of paper (usually 11x17 or 12x18) a bunch of their small prints and display that instead (honestly genius and I need to try it)

- using those like slot bookshelves to display the small ones

So apologies for probably just saying tape like you’re trying to avoid rofl. But hopefully some info!!

Also def check out @howtobeaconartist tons of people ask questions and submit helpful things. So even just searching a keyword in ur question should give you a bunch of assistance!!

[sorcerous-caress]

hey I’m glad you’re not weirded out or anything by the tickling stuff (I’m the anon by the way) I might write something with my tav after I’m done with the “my tav as a companion” part 2 with the list questions you made after my first one but I don’t how long that’ll take since I kinda feel weird writing about my tav in that way since they are based off myself not that I don’t want to do it I would like to write stuff like that for an OC I’ve never done it before but it kinda feels like I’d be doing something “naughty” which I guess I would be but anyways I’ll write something I’m gonna try and get over the awkward feeling so I can go more in depth with the “my tav as a companion” romance part because I feel like I can touch more on that

(sorry for ranting, longer than I thought it’d be)

I get what you're feeling exactly, and my only advice to that is to embrace it.

All writing in some form or another, is based on yourself. Every character you've written fanfics about, every OC you've made, every small headcanon, all of them are connected to you.

All of them, hold a small part of you in them, a small truth that you might not be unaware of. Writers can only write about their own experiences and emotions, even in fantasy and imaginary scenarios, you have to base it around something you're familiar with to be able to comprehend it.

I'm aromatic yet I write romantic stories, I have never felt romantic love so I base all of my romantic stories on how platonic love felt to me and mix it with what I think romantic love should be like based on what other people said.

I get the feeling of vulnerability when revealing things about an OC that holds a lot of your own cores as a human, that was based on your own image. That's why it's good to remember that everything else was also based on your own image, you just weren't aware of it. You've left a trace of your personality and your fingerprints on every character and subject you've touched.

Honestly, I am not in the best state health wise to answer this, but I didn't want to leave it sitting for long.

There is a fear of being cringe, I genuinely truly get it. I still feel it too a lot of times, fear of being too weird or off putting. It's so easy to tell someone to "just express themselves" until that self expression manifests in a way that doesn't fit the socially acceptable ideas of other people.

Who gives a shit if I don't like tickle stuff? What right do I have to judge you? What right does anyone have to judge you? None of us matters when it comes to your own writing and self expression, only you matter.

Likewise for me, I like cringe worthy stuff too! And I subtily microdose them into my writing because I don't have the courage to come outright and say it. I am afraid. You are braver than me in that aspect and honesty kudos to you for being yourself unapologetically.

I had an old writing blog where I only wrote tame fluffy stuff that everyone wanted, only expressed myself within social acceptable limits, only showed the most clean and sanitized versions of my art.

And you know that phrase about if you don't like what you're writing then other people won't? It's a huge fucking lie. That blog was so much bigger and more popular than this blog in a shorter amount of time.

I had triple the followers I have now, so many nice comments and reblogs, too many requests than I could keep track of. People loved the sanitized version of my writing.

I didn't, I hated it. It was empty and souless and I had to force myself to sit down and write it. Scrub away all traces of my own personality from it and make it the most appealing to the general public.

Words never flowed like they do to me now, I dreaded opening my requests back then, I dreaded checking on my notes.

And so I left it at the height of its popularity, didn't even say a thing just slowly ghosted away.

Don't do what I did, is what I'm saying. You have a lovely OC and if you want to put more of your own self and your own interests in them then so be it. I promise other people won't know and even if they connect the dots, they'd have to be actual weirdos to make judgments on a real human being based on an imaginary doll they move around.

Give Sean the tickle kink if you want that's perfectly okay. Base all of his companion answers around yourself if you want, make him an extension of you. Maybe he will slowly take what you've given him and evolve to his own character, maybe he will always remain a beautiful reflection of you, both of these outcomes are welcomed as long as they make you happy.

I did it with Sol, bpd isn't the best, and making an OC that represents all the worst traits I saw in myself and showing them love and care helpled me unimaginably. And fuck yeah I definitely base their answers around myself, every writer bases their writing around themselves, how else are you supposed to create originality? Your mind is the only completely original source that only YOU have access to!

It's a fucking gold mine, an exclusive library of experiences and moments that no one else but you know about. And you want to ignore it and put 13 layers of irony between you and everything you create? For whAT?

Kids love plushies and get attached to them because the plushies are their own OCs in a way, the dolls represent an extension of their inner psyche. So when kids hug and shower their plushies with love, or even get reinact a dramatic sad story with their dolls, it's them talking to themselves.

Art is communication, whether it be with an audience or with yourself. self-indulgence is the thing that makes art worth making. It's what gives it a soul, it's what sets it apart form AI bullshit.

And some people will see themselves in Sean. Did I tell you that the tickle fic requests I wrote had likes and reblogs from other people? I would've never imagined someone would like it besides the requester yet there were others.

We're all really weird, inside. If you're going to be original and create art that you like then it will be weird and cringy, same goes for me, same goes for everyone.

Embrace it, peel the layers of irony, be yourself unapologetically. You are worth it.

And side note, I really enjoy your requests and reading what you send me about Sean. But my own enjoyment always comes after your own comfort and boundaries. You don't have to answer any questions that make you uncomfortable in the "as a companion part 2" list.

I will always view these answers through Sean and as a reflection of him, never a reflection of the author. That's a right only you have and a line only you can draw.

[philhoffman]

Happy 56th birthday, Phil! Every year I write something on this day and it usually turns into a letter to him about all the ways he’s impacted my life. Every time it seems like he's had an even bigger influence than the one before, and this year is no exception.

I scribbled something earlier, elsewhere, about how hard it has become to write about Phil Hoffman in some ways—he's become so much a part of my life that it would be like trying to describe why I love breathing so much. I just do—I have to—it keeps me alive, and I love being alive. I love being alive in large part thanks to Phil.

Today was kind of hard. I used to set a lot of expectations for myself about how things should feel, but I've learned to just accept what comes. On Phil's birthdays, I try to be happy and celebrate his life. We hear enough about his death, even from the most well-meaning people and comments. But today I really just missed him. This is the 10th birthday he has missed, which is a painful milestone, but even the number didn't mean much to me.

Maybe it's because this last year has been so good. One of the best of my life. The lessons I've learned from Phil's work and his life have helped me grow into a more confident, appreciative, and I hope kinder version of myself. He's pushed me out of my comfort zone with incredible results. Far too many things to list here—don't want to steal the spotlight from the birthday boy, after all, though I did run the NYC half marathon in his memory...—but suffice to say it's been an amazing fucking year. Most of all finally visiting Rochester and meeting Phil's mother and sister, getting to tell them he changed my life.

So now it's his birthday—the day to celebrate and honor and remember his life, the man he was, the artist he strove to be, all the amazing ways he's made a difference in the world. And there were a lot of tears because I just wish he was here for it. I knew higher highs would beget lower lows. Having walked his streets in the city and met his family and had all these real, solid experiences, maybe the fact that he's gone feels more real and solid, too.

I come back to the fact that it only hurts so badly because I love him so much. This grief is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Is it worth it? Yes, it is. It always is. Even when it’s so hard, it’s worth that pain—sometimes for what’s on the other side, sometimes for the pain itself. The lessons within it. That's what life is, Phil said, all the joy and all the heartbreak, wrapped up together and beautiful.

Tonight there was a real pretty sunset and I sat outside in the grass and finished A Prayer for Owen Meany, one of PSH's favorite books. "If you care about something, you have to protect it—if you're lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it."

Knowing Phil—through his films, his words, his actions, his community, his spirit—has given me a life I love, full of art and harm reduction and sobriety and Proust and relationships and an overflowing DVD shelf and starting lines and the reassuring sense of his hand on my shoulder and love, and the courage to live that full life.

He was brave and could be restlessly impatient with anyone who wasn't. He infused every role with a piece of his soul—not as a Faustian bargain, but with love and understanding. He made people feel seen, whether they were standing in front of him or sitting in a darkened theater. His love was ferocious. He fought every day and stayed sober for over 20 years. He pushed himself out of his comfort zone to reach new heights as an actor. He didn't really like to be stopped on the street, but when someone once whispered, "I love you," as he passed, he turned with a big smile and said "Love you too!" One thing I wish I'd had the presence of mind to tell his mom and sister is that, in addition to his obvious talent, I've heard so many stories about what an amazing person he was.

Happy birthday, Phil—also known as BK, Heat Miser, Philly Cream Cheese, Bill Board, bubs, Slip, Clyde Anderson, my PB, The Chairman, bastard, birthday boy (among several other aliases). We've already talked quite a bit today, so I'll stick to the basics. I love you. We keep you with us all the time—so many people who love you and who you love in return, family and friends and fellow artists and fans who saw truth in the way you worked and created and lived. We are so proud of you for every day, for all the time you spent with us, for everything you did and all that you are. I dream of your smile, your big laugh.

Thank you, Philip. For everything. For being around. You said you wanted to make a difference and you did—I needed you and you showed up and you haven't stopped showing up since. I want to make you proud and I hope I do. Happy birthday, Phil, I love you—you know the rest ❤️

[pro-bee-sisters]

Retiring from Miraculous

Hello everyone, so if you all saw my recent post or if you saw my post on my main blog, I announced that I will be officially retiring from the Miraculous fandom as well as the show for good.

I'm really sorry to those who followed me and only liked me for Miraculous content, but after hearing about how the recent episodes of Miraculous have been (*coughDerisioncough*), I don't see the show improving or getting better anytime soon nor do I see myself enjoying it the more it continues. Especially with how the recent season has been nothing but: Multiple retcons, terrible character development, scenes cut from the final version for the most stupidest reasons ever and to make the show have bigger plot holes than ever, inconsistent writing, and lackluster plots, I really don't see myself following through with it anymore.

However,

I won't be officially retiring at the moment!

Yep, even though I do plan on retiring from Miraculous, I won't do it for a long time for these 5 reasons:

I wanna rewatch the entire series until I start on S5 since I'm waiting for the whole season to drop at once. I mainly wanna see what still holds up and what doesn't after these 8 and a half years the show has run for. (And I think we can all agree which ones didn't age the best)

I mainly wanna watch S5 to see if I can use it as a rewrite for some of my AUs; mainly The Lost Miraculous. I know this one might be tricky to do since from what I heard, S5 did retcon a lot of characters and plots, so I'm not entirely sure if I can rewrite the whole season, but I do plan to add a few new elements to my rewrite if I ever do.

Speaking of AUs, that's another reason why I won't retire immediately from the show: I'm still hoping to use it as a source of inspiration for my AUs as I still wish to write them. Mainly The Queen Bee and the Vesperia, The Lost Miraculous, The Undercover Tales of Rena Furtive and Invisible Hornet, The Bee Sisters Duo!, Bug and Wasp Game, A Fox and Her Club, and more!

I'm incredibly excited for the Awakening movie coming out this July, and I do hope that it will at least be one last hope for the show to get better. If not, then I guess we can call that one the real canon while ignoring the show itself, LOL.

I still wanna post some of my views on Chloe and Zoe themselves.

All in all, while I won't necessarily retire from the show permanently (as of now), I will be saying goodbye to it as time goes by because it's about time I move on and start looking through other shows that have similar Magical Girl themes.

Speaking of which, I made a poll on my main blog asking people what should be the next Magical Girl show I should try while I wait to end my time with Miraculous, and when I cut ties with it. If you wish to vote, please click right here.

Alrighty, that's all I have to say for now. Please be on the lookout for any upcoming stories from me and please remember to follow my 3 other blogs:

@muggle-born-princess (Main Blog)

@princessgemsart (Art Blog)

@pens-and-gems (Writing Blog)

Have a fantastic Sunday everyone or whatever day it is in your region LOL

BUZZ ON!

[hyunjinspark]

I had to really sit down and organize my thoughts for this chapter. With the flashback it seems that yeonjun was really the only thing keeping the peace within the group. It seems like Hana and Felix have always said kind of backhanded things towards Y/n. Like they’ve been slowly tearing her down throughout the years. The fact that Y/n just wanted to know Hyun’s name is so big to me. Because what would have happened if Y/n knew his name back then? Would it have changed anything? Would nothing have changed? I can’t stop thinking about the way if’s in this story. Also the fact that even when Y/n was younger could point out that the comments weren’t just about ‘some boy’ it was about her as a person. And that still applies to what she has going on now. Felix isn’t mad at her over some boy he’s mad at she likes this guy and not him. Hana seems to be mad that Y/n is interested in Hyun and that he’s also interested in her. It all just comes of as a personal attack to Y/n. The fact that Y/n even said Minho is her only friend left T_T. His conversation with Y/n did scare me a bit though. The fact that Minho said it was just easier to cut off yeonjun and be friends with the people that were physically close to him makes me think that if Y/n does end up moving to the city and felix and Hana cut her off then… maybe Minho will too… I mean I hope not but that conversation did scare me. I really do enjoy Minhos character a lot though. I think it makes a dig difference that he likes the way that Y/n is acting and points out that she’s not passive and just acting like how she used to in high school. Also the fact that Y/n decided to be more selfish is really making me happy. Hyunjin’s “I’ll be there” text hurt me more than it should have. The short response that should have assured Y/n made her feel worse and feel guilty and like she was forcing him when he had bigger things going on. Y/n comparing Hyunjin to words made me so giddy. Hyunjin mean love, and happiness, but they also mean friend. Even Y/n’s fear to ruin Hyuns happiness really shows that Y/n isn’t selfish she’s just so painfully selfless that when she acts normal she’s seen as selfish by people who take advantage of her selflessness. With all the angst I really do not enjoy the quote “then why didn’t he choose you back then” it is not helping with the chapter 12 spoilers. To the scene where Hyun said he NEEDS Y/n next to him. I think the fact that Y/n said that even seconds apart felt like a lifetime after all these years shows that maybe he feels the same way. I am a firm believer that Hyun remembers the girl from the art store all those years ago. All the star comparisons to Hyun are so cute and how Y/n didn’t want to look at the stars in fear they would become boring now just make me feel like when she looks at them from now on she’ll never get bored. While I do like the star comparisons it also scares me that you compare Hyun to a star but the title is star lost with you… I’m really holding onto that ‘with you’. The fact that Y/n is always surrounded by stars and will think of Hyun while looking at them and that Hyun is always around the city lights and will think of Y/n now makes me so so so happy and sad at the same time. And lastly the part where Y/n says “ maybe it was annoying for everyone else that you gave all your attention to Hyunjin. But he gave you his too and you lived for it. You would exist for it.” That quote ripped me apart. People are upset by all the attention but it doesn’t matter because they love each other and they both want and need and crave the others attention. I know my thoughts are still all over the place but this chapter was beautiful. It’s like you’re painting each individual scene as I’m reading and it’s truly a work of art. -🎡

hi my 🎡 anon !

you’re so rightt, yeonjun was definitely holding the group together in more ways than one and his absence affected the dynamics unfairly.

and about yn wanting to know hyun’s name !! its so so interesting to think about what could have happened or how things could have changed if she did know who he was all those years ago, it would have affected everything and she would have known him as an idol and been able to possibly see his journey debuting and becoming famous. 😳

your belief about hyun remembering yn from the art store… 👀

your thoughts are beautiful, i loved reading them. thank you so much for telling me 🥺

[aggressive-positivity-network]

I feel like people focus way too much on perfection in media. Not just movies, but also, like, YouTube videos, animations, art and written works…especially from content creators.

Like, think about Game Theory. He ends every single video with, “But that’s just a theory.” Not a working timeline. Not a full-fledged narrative. A theory. In other words, you take what you can find and run with it. If it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it sure is fun to think about! And isn’t that the whole point of online entertainment? Same argument with things like CinemaSins. They aren’t SUPPOSED to be super logical. They’re supposed to be entertaining. They’re supposed to hit the ground running with humor, no matter what form that takes. And those are the more supported ones…what about those that are just starting out?

And animators! God, animators get a lot of flack. People pause frames and laugh about how funny the resulting image is, then say it’s a result of poor animation. Fans complain about how long videos take and what videos are about. If you’re going to spend at least a month making something, don’t you think you want it to be something YOU want to talk about? Imagine making a 1000 slide PowerPoint about cement, or paint drying! That would suck, wouldn’t it? Now times that by a thousand, and you’re on a schedule. Not fun, huh?

And my homies, my writers, my fanfic gang. People think that because it doesn’t have a timelapse, that the headcanons and one-shots you read are slapped out and sent to the masses. Have you ever stared at the same paragraph for fifteen minutes trying to remember a different word for “walk this way” or “said quietly” or “went from here to here specifically, with an angry look on their face”? All while your inbox is filling up with requests like “Blorbo x Blorbo ❤️” and “This but with this Blorbo specifically” and “Part 2???🥺” and “When next part??????????”

And for FREE, goddamnit! Some of the bigger creators might have backing, but a lot of them don’t. If you can eat a meal someone made for you even if it isn’t very good, or compliment someone’s art because you believe that their confidence should be built, then you can maybe think twice before you send a snarky comment on an AO3 fic or make a cringe compilation of V-Tubers.

Is it funny to pick things apart? Yes. Is there humor in taking things a bit too seriously? Absolutely. But does that mean you need to take out your holier than thou consumer magnifying glass and stroke your chin while you scrutinize every part of every new media you or others consume? No.

Because, sooner or later, you are going to realize that after your arrogant tirade, there is nothing left to enjoy. “Why aren’t there any good _____ anymore???” Because you burnt every opportunity to branch out in your tastes and then salted the earth so that nothing could grow again, dumbass. And anyone that would have made content for you has been bullied off the face of the planet.

You can be conscientious of your time and energy, but don’t scoff at the progression of entertainment.

(Let me watch my animated mukbang in peace.)

[yjhgvf]

I tried to list is as less bias as I could, but…

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/aroaceyesiam/691560071191248897?source=share

I don't agree with some of your points and worries, and I'm going to try and explain why as politely as possible.

~~~

For Issue 1, and my apologies if I'm misunderstanding your point please tell me if I am, I feel that you're essentially saying that we shouldn't be saying our preferences on what we'd rather read or what we like better. Is it an issue if I say "I think Gia's 'Change of Family' fanfic is better than her and Briar's 'Painted Berries' fanfic"? Is it an issue if I say "I don't like 'Painted Berries' because there's many scenes that trigger me and make me uncomfortable, and therefore I can't enjoy the reading experience much less sit through it"? I personally just feel that "don't say which stories that a creator has made are the best to you because that's favoritism" is a stupid thing to say.

Saying that all the stories a person has made are good is just not realistic. I'm not going to say that I like all of Gia's stories the same and that I think they're all good, because that's simply not true. I do like some of Gia's stories, and by extension regard some of them as "the best she's made", but as I said before, those are opinions. The issue when it comes to fanfiction isn't the action of people liking and disliking certain fanfics, it's the maturity of those people when they choose to talk about those fanfics and when someone has a different opinion from them. I've seen people throw hate at Gia and Briar because they didn't like one of their fanfics, and that's just unacceptable. People need to be more mature when disagreeing on or disliking something. The problem isn't the opinion, it's the actions of the people who hold those opinions.

Issue 2 in my opinion is just a rehash of a past drama this fandom has had before with a little more added to make it seem like it's not a rehash, and my stance on that particular issue is the same. Flamy is not getting more views and likes on her video because people are racist towards Gia and Briar. Gia and Briar get plenty of views and likes, and Flamy also gets plenty of hate comments as well.

Call it the "white perspective" all you want, but I still find it fucking ridiculous that people are still immediately jumping to the conclusion that Flamy gets more views because of race and racism. Am I denying that racism against asians exists? No. Do I just think that there's other and more probable reasons why Flamy gets more views? Yes. You wanna know why I think Flamy gets more attention? I think it's because Flamy doesn't just make BATMM content, and makes content with other fandoms as well. Gia and Briar tend to make only BATMM content and rarely content from other fandoms. Keep in mind that the BATMM fandom is small, while other fandoms, such as Owl House, are much bigger. More people seeing your content of bigger fandoms means that they're likely to stick around for your content of smaller fandoms.

Issue 3 is... okay I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I despise this whole "maid dress blaze" debate/issue. Why is this even considered an issue? I fail to comprehend the logic behind thinking that putting one of the main characters of the show in a maid dress a bunch of times is "problematic". I want you, and everyone reading this, to remember that Stripes, Starla, Zeg, Watts, Darington, and Gabby are considered to be side characters in the show's eyes, not main characters. It's why the show doesn't tend to feature them in episodes and instead prioritizes featuring the "main four" instead. I feel that it's expected for there to be more art and content of the main characters and than the side characters.

If people are complaining about Blaze being in a maid dress too much and therefore "not giving the other characters a chance" then I feel like they should also be complaining about Crusher being the main/central character in 90% of this fandom's fanfictions and therefore "not giving the other characters a chance". And if anyone reading this says that it's unfair to judge Crusher for being in too many fanfics because that's who the writers just chose to be the main character, congratulations, you now understand my point. Please just let people draw whoever they want in whatever they want. I don't understand why this has become such a big issue, because it really shouldn't have gotten to this point.

Regarding your bonus, first of all, please just say that you're talking about Quattro. You named all the other content creators you were talking about by name, so I honestly don't understand why you chose to avoid using Quattro's name and just choose to refer to him as "this one guy". That's not the main thing I wanna say regarding the bonus though.

The main thing I want to say is that people take varying amounts of time to improve their art and content. It took me years to improve how I draw my eyes and body shapes, because I'd always draw thin characters with the same eyes, when people just aren't like that. On the other hand, I rather quickly improved how I draw hair in just a few months. My point is that Quattro has not stayed the same overtime. His art and gacha concepts have definitely improved in the time he's been in this fandom, it's just at a slower rate and with small improvements each time rather than large improvements. And you know what, that's perfectly fine. People will improve at different rates, you just need to give them the time to do so.

[enteisabo]

guys not to get all up on a high horse but like, you should be telling people what you like about them/their content/their style/etc. genuinely and profoundly, i feel more excitement now about people than i used to when i didn't comment on everything i liked. i started this post thinking more along the lines of content, like fanart and fic and whatnot, but like. i was trying to explain it and realized that all of this came from a much bigger change than just my attitude about art and other people's efforts. so i'm gonna talk more under a read more about that, but like. tl;dr: when you seek out reasons to compliment things, it literally changes your mindset about those things and even yourself. it stops being an active search. you just start seeing the beauty. (cw; mild talk of racism)

the two things that made me make this change were this: first, i hit a point when coming out of my judgmental adolescence where i realized that the things i'd said to people i loved were just mean instead of "friendly ribbing" like i'd treated them. i was a bully as a teenager. secondly, and this is where the habit began, is that i started my journey into activism and anti-racist mindsets. i lived close to one of the big inciting incidents of the BLM movement in america 10 years ago (like, was passed on the highway by the cops responding to riots and took in people nearby to keep them safe), and what i saw made me start noticing patterns in my own thoughts. that despite being in a heavily mixed-race area, i was disproportionately judgmental on a subconscious level. i didn't like what i thought, so every time i found myself saying something judgmental in my head about someone, i complimented them out loud. sometimes they didn't hear me, sometimes i got a quick and awkward "oh, thanks," but sometimes their whole demeanor would shift. it was beautiful to see people just suddenly, genuinely smile. some specific instances are burned into my mind just because of how much it made me happy to see them happy. then it turned into just complimenting people without the negative thing to overwrite. i've never actually talked about the whole "dismantling personal prejudice" thing being the inciting thing for this behavior. but it translated outside of these things too. i started sending asks/DMs/comments telling artists what i felt about their art, and i started to comment on fics more when i read them. people respond to these things. they remember them. and i remember that they remember them, because they've told me and shown me the differences they've made. i know that comments i've left about people's art have gotten them through art block, and things i've said about people when i know they needed to hear encouragement have been put on their walls as reminders. there are a thousand other things that people have probably forgotten, but i know that some of the things i've complimented people on have stuck with them and healed and encouraged, and i fucking THRIVE on that now. i FEEL the lights dim when i shut myself away and say nothing for too long. so just. compliment people. i know it can be scary and awkward; start over text, start online. but it gets easier to compliment people the more you do it, because you see more things to compliment. and when you're seeing more things, that means you're enjoying things more deeply. so tell your favorite writer what you love about their writing or point out something in someone's art that made you swoon. they deserve to hear it and you deserve to experience it.

[k00296066]

Disrupt

to me, disrupt referred to the disruptions that i had witnessed in my college accommodation. moving from a very small village in roscommon to a populated area like limerick was a huge change. i went from living with my parents and my dog to living with a group of students whom i had never even met before. i found that solid and lasting friendships could be made but disagreements were unavoidable. a lot of things happened in the first semester that really showed that we all were young and prone to making mistakes. some things caused more of an issue than others like when my housemates friends destroyed our house and slept in my bed without permission. some things were much more personal like the comments one of my housemates made about me that were really unkind and his throwing out of some of my pieces of art. however, i acknowledge that i, too, was part of the problem at times like when my friends would take drinks from the kitchen that belonged to others.

i began my project exploring the disruptions of peoples features hoping to learn more about the art of caricatures and cartoon-esque drawing. yet i felt this aspect wasn’t really inspiring me and i kept getting stuck in a rut. i took a risk and looked at other avenues. i thought about how i was trying to draw those around me, the people i lived with, and then i thought about how they could be disruptive instead of me disrupting them. i think we can all agree that a house full of 17, 18, and 19 year olds is truly a house of disruption.

the idea to create road signs with cautions based on the disruptions in our house came to me just after my birthday party. there was an incident in the house where our couch was used in a way that none of us wanted it to. one of my housemates joked, saying “we need to find a way to stop this from happening again” and i answered “i should make a sign”. my housemates agreed that it would be very funny and useful if there was a sign and i thought it would be a perfect way to take my project to the next level.

my favourite sector of art would have to be typography. i remember beginning to learn about it in art class in secondary school and immediately falling in love. i’ve always loved recreating fonts and even making new ones. i knew signage was a great route for me as it had an aspect of language and typography with the phrases written. i really enjoyed trying to replicate the writing on signs and seeing what different fonts looked like on a regular sign.

i spent a lot of time looking at road signage from driving almost 3 hours down to college every weekend and also going on walks, photographing what i’d see. i loved the vibrant and contrasting colours and how they created a striking image in a landscape. i used my photographs to help me when i’d make a sign to make sure it would look realistic. at one point me and my friends tried to acquire a real sign from the side of the road but unfortunately our heist was cut short because the boot of my car was not big enough. this actually led to me playing with scale and making a 3D sign out of cardboard that was actually taller than me. it was really interesting seeing what a sign would look like in such a large scale when i compared it to the smaller signs i had made. i thought about the meaning and how maybe bigger signs could mean there was a bigger problem.

i looked at a lot of different artists and designers to help with my work like kathy predergast, margaret calvert, and tracey emin. i felt that i really related to the work of these artists and found similarities between the meanings of our work. margaret calvert proved to be a huge help as she was credited with creating most road signs. i also found a lot of inspiration from books in the library. i checked out many on colour and on international forms of signage. they were very interesting and provided a basis for my sign work.

in conclusion, disrupt became almost a self reflection for me. i was able to see what me and my housemates were doing wrong and try to rectify it in a comical way. i really enjoyed creating these signs and learning about how original road signage was made. if i had more time i think i would try levelling up my signage and possibly creating metal ones with vinyl on top. i think vinyl printing would be an interesting skill to learn. id also like to look more into photography and expressing my artistic view through photos of the disruptions in my house. i would also try to almost interview other people and see what the disruptions of their college accommodation would be. i found a lot of people felt my project was actually quite relatable. it would be interesting to see which accommodation has the most disruptions, and possibly make a map of the worst spots, similar to kathy predergast’s ‘lost’.

[celestialgekigami]

Art/personal thoughts under the cut

I just want my art to be GOOD, man. I want to be HAPPY with it. My daily Sketch Journal is 90% quick/small studies, and every Monday/Friday I do bigger & longer ones but it feels all for naught. It's FRUSTRATING that I can't see improvement until later, it's frustrating not knowing if this is even worth my time, if this is doing anything to help in the first place

I know I should work on other stuff too, keep it fun and fresh and enjoyable, but I don't know what to do. I don't know what I find fun, I don't know what I enjoy

I'm almost convinced I'm going through the motions of studies for the sake of drawing daily, and this isn't doing anything to help in the long run, but I don't know what else to do

I don't think people understand just how much I LOVE and HATE art at the same time. I love it and want to continue but I hate that I'm not good enough and I hate that I don't know what to do in the first place

It's an obligation to the daily habit grind at this point and it's killing me to see other people making leaps and bounds in progress while I'm stuck in limbo. It's killing me to not be able to draw what's in my head

It esp hurts to have people I consider friends not comment/care even though I KNOW this is self inflicted because of my own bad habits. I'm trying to break out of those but I'm stuck. I'm in circles where I'm the outcast and it makes it that much harder to share anything in the first place. Drawing stuff I know they like is a slap in the face from myself because that's not what I want to draw anymore

It kills me that people can only cite art from 2021-2 as stuff they remember/like, when it's all work that I hate and don't want to be associated with, but I have literally nothing new to work with or share so how can I blame them

I can't even share these thoughts with those people because they don't get it

They say they sympathize but no, they don't get it. They don't understand. It's patronizing and I feel like I'm being consoled like a child. "it'll get better :)" and "I hope you find something you like". Shit like "you'll do so much better when you draw for yourself and not out of spite"

I CAN'T.

I don't know how. I don't know what I like. I don't know how to enjoy it. I don't know how to have fun. I don't know how to make it good for myself. I don't know what I want

I draw something fun and I work on it for a bit but that fun is fleeting and leaves within days. I don't know what to do. I thought I had fun with a series of pyr/amid heads but I can't find the interest to do more

It's like I have a desire that burns under my skin but the second I actually draw it, it's a race between that desire burning out, getting bored, or "finishing" it

I want to gain a following to prove that I can do it, to prove that I AM better than the other motherfuckers that haunt my fucking brain. I want to prove that I CAN make stuff that's appealing and stuff that people WANT to look at, stuff that people CARE about

I'm feeling like such a broken record at this point. I say this every damn day, I'm sure people are tired of it by now. I don't want this anymore but it won't leave me alone. I don't know how to get over it. I'm fucking climbing and climbing and climbing and the mountain keeps getting taller and I can't see past the clouds. I don't know if there's an end and I don't know where to stop or how to get down from here.

I'm so tired and frustrated. I want to enjoy it. I want to have fun, I so desperately want to do all the fun things that people talk about. I want to do trades and draw dumb memes and join games and draw whatever brainworm is taking residence but I'm so disappointed with my inability to show improvement and catch up

I haven't done my journal in a few days and it's currently shot day and also "avoid social media" day, and I don't know what I expect out of this, but I'm putting my thoughts down instead of working out and it's not doing anything but making me even more frustrated. I'm so fucking tired and I'm always disappointed

I want support and I hate that I have to ask for it. I hate that I have to get on my knees and grovel and beg and hope that someone will give me what I want. I hate fishing for the compliments. I hate that I can shower everyone else with compliments but when it turns around I can't fucking get anything and I KNOW that's my own fault when push comes to shove. It's MY fault for being a contrarian little bitch. A right fucking bastard. A mindless fucking prick

I'm stuck and I don't know how to have fun, I don't think I ever did, and I just want to enjoy my hobby. I want to have fun. I want to look forward to it. I only ever WANT to draw, just for something to do, and I never want to work on something specific.

I'm fucking lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I don't know where to go

[suspiciouscatastrophe]

A ventpost detailing my feelings on being unable to fully get over elementary school

(in case anybody relates, and, let's be real, because it felt so therapeutic to write)

CW: bullying, brief mentions of animal death, suicide-baiting, child-on-child sexual harassment (verbal and forced kissing)

I consistently fail to be the bigger person.

I am not a child anymore. I'm well into my twenties now. I haven't set foot in either of my elementary schools (went to two, the first from the age of 6 to 9, the other from 10 to 14) in years.

I should be able to forgive and forget. It's the mature thing to do. It's the wise thing to do. It's the strong thing to do.

Yet I can't. I haven't. I didn't. I still seethe.

Even though they have already forgiven and forgotten me.

I still remember meeting a former classmate on a train. It was just a few years ago. He said hello, asked how was I doing, smiled at me. He smiled at me. Probably expected us to chat.

He remembered my name, my face.

And I remembered his. I remembered – and I still do – him sitting in the desk one row in front of mine when we were in the fifth grade. Every recess, like clockwork, he would turn to me and start telling me how relieved my parents would be when I finally commit suicide. In hindsight, it should be funny. Imagine this small 10/11 y. o. boy monologuing his little heart out trying to come up with the most grown-up sounding heavy-ass mean speeches. But back then it wasn't very comical.

I wonder if he has any idea that I still think about his words from time to time. I wonder if he figured out that I didn't leave the train carriage because I "had a reserved seat in a different one", but because I wanted to have nothing to do with him.

Also several years in the past, I have started receiving phone calls from yet another former classmate of mine. He always called around 4 AM, since he moved to the US and couldn't be bothered to figure out the time zones so that the times were somewhat acceptable for both of us.

I have never given him my number, but that wasn't surprising. I made the mistake of exchanging numbers with some girls in our class back then when I got my first phone at 9, and one of them or several must've passed mine along. I knew that almost everybody had my number somehow, as proven by the amount of prank calls and harassment I was receiving all throughout elementary school and a bit after, too.

Anyway. The boy wanted to reconnect. He apparently thought of me as an old friend. He told me that his life overseas sucked and he was extremely lonely. He told me that he has always had a crush on me and that he wanted me to come visit him in California.

My memories of our "friendship" are quite different, though. I wasn't teasing him when I was saying almost daily that I hated him and wished he would leave me alone, I meant it. He was relentless. He bothered me constantly, daily, most of the time multiple times a day. He mocked me for every little thing. He sexualized me a lot (for clarity, the sexual aspect was only verbal, he nor any of the male bullies never touched me). He kept stealing and destroying my stuff, mainly art supplies and notebooks. His torment ranged from annoying to purely cruel, even going as far as making celebratory comments about the death of my cat, gleefully informing me that he'd send flowers to the guy who ran her over.

He was joking the whole time, but never with me, always at my expense. To him, it might’ve been the two of us "playing". It might’ve been banter. It might’ve been bonding. To me, though, it felt like he was just an enemy hellbent on siphoning all the remaining joy and safety from my life.

This boy apologized to me during one of his 4 AM calls. He said he regretted the way he treated me. He said he was being an idiot. I told him we were both just silly kids and that I have forgiven him.

That was a lie. I haven't managed to forgive him yet.

My first kiss was with a girl in the fourth grade. Well, I was in the fourth grade, she was in the second. Given that I started elementary school at 6 not 7 and therefore I was a year younger then most of my classmates, that would technically make me only one year her senior.

Nevertheless, she cornered me in the after-school playroom. Most of the pupils went there, it was a place when we waited to be picked up by our parents after class, still a part of the school, still watched over by teachers. It was only one big room, though, and so everybody saw.

Several kids surrounded me. I was one of the oldest, if not the oldest in there, but that didn't matter. I was puny and autistic, and by all means I looked, seemed and felt at least 3 or 4 years behind my actual age.

I also had the reputation of the "ugly girl". That was the point of the whole scene. The kid in question was an edgy one. She was the one child that learned a lot of profanities and kept trying to shock and impress her peers by inserting innuendos and stories about her made up "sexscapades" into every conversation. I doubt she even knew what most of the words meant, I certainly didn't, but it sounded dirty and I guess that was good enough for her. Well, and she was at it again, loudly gloating that she was such a force of nature when it came to doing "IT" that she would make out even with the stink goblin (me).

Unceremoniously she grabbed me and put her lips on mine as the other kids laughed. I don't actually remember how the kiss itself felt. It wasn't important to me at all, the only thing that mattered was how humiliated and used I felt. I think I laughed awkwardly, too, when she let go of me. I thought that what happened was normal and that I just needed to grin and bear it to save face.

It felt like there was no escape, like the only way for the constant fear, conflict and dehumanisation to stop was to wait it out. I did that. I waited it out, and it stopped. But at what cost? I honestly think I've just started unlearning some of the maladaptive behaviors and mindsets that I've internalized during that period of my life. Could've I done something sooner?

I'm still unsure what would I do now, what advice would I give to my elementary school self?

Going to adults proved to be less than useless.

When I was in the first grade and a group of fourth graders made it their regular pass-time to hold me in a chair and recline it, threatening me to let me fall onto the shelves behind us and crack my head, I couldn't see through the absurdity in their game. I was 6. So it had me genuinely terrified. I cried – and I cried for help. What did the teacher do upon hearing me?

She scolded me for being noisy.

When I told my parents that everybody in the school hated me and that they kept hurting me, they laughed and told me that it was normal, that the other kids were just teasing me because they were in love with me. Boys will be boys, amirite?

When I got upset because "my enemies" (that's the word I used) stole my set of pencils and threw it onto the wall, shattering the thing (the pencils were woodless), I got told that was what I get for bringing it to school.

When someone seemed to get fed up on our behalf with how me and my best friend at the time were treated and anonymously told the teacher, she took the whole class aside and after a brief "bullying is bad, kids" speech she let the class vote whether they thought there was any bullying actually going on in there. The vote was overwhelmingly "no", so that it was democratically concluded I wasn't being bullied in the first place.

Funnily enough, I agreed at that time. I mean, I thought that bullying was when kids push others in shoe lockers. I thought that bullying had to include bloody noses and black eyes and dead animals on the porch. When you were beaten up, then you were bullied. But if you didn't have the bruises to show for it... then you were just unpopular.

The intervention changed only one thing; it added "snitch" to my long list of unflattering characteristics in the public consciousness. I mean, who would believe me that it wasn't me who told her? Nobody.

Sometime in the latter chunk of elementary school my teacher (another one) noticed that I wasn't doing exactly stellar. I had frequent meltdowns in which I conducted myself with about the amount of subtlety of a 12 year old having a meltdown. I cried, climbed the furniture and cried more, exclaiming loudly that I do not care about what they think of me, since I am the darkness and I reclaim every insult they throw my way, and they're pathetic anyway, since no matter how much they hate me, I hate myself MORE. Well-adjusted child moment. Anyway, she noticed and sent me to the school psychologist.

Don't get me wrong. The psychologist was a delightful lady, very nice, and I loved talking to her. I adored her. She seemed to kinda understand me, and that was enough. My only friend at the time also "kinda understood", since her situation was similar (as it was later revealed, by my fault, since they hated her for hanging out with me), but neither of us had the emotional intelligence and communication skill to have a productive conversation or meaningfully support one another, so the psychologist was truly the best bet.

But I couldn't tell her a lot, could I? I didn't even acknowledge most of the stuff I now see as fucked up, since I saw it as a normal consequence of me being Evil and Useless. Maybe I did tell her something about my relationship with my peers. I don't remember, but it couldn't be enough to make her take any action. Because she didn't.

Anyway, I remember one particular conversation, a breakthrough, if you will. We were on the topic of me hating myself.

I didn't have the self-awareness nor the vocabulary to tell her that I felt like no matter what I do, I would always be seen as subhuman by people around me, so I came to the conclusion that there must've been something wrong with me.

I didn't have the self-awareness nor the vocabulary to tell her that I adopted self-loathing as a way to atone for my mistakes and escape further punishments. See? I'm just like you, fellow children, I also hate me. So you don't have to. I already took care of it.

I didn't have the self-awareness nor the vocabulary to tell her that I made it so ingrained in my identity that I was afraid that if it changed, there would be nothing left of me.

So I just said something bad about myself.

And she responded, "If you truly hate yourself, why don't you just change?"

It broke my heart.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. The adults were useless. I still seethe over the teachers, even over the nice psychologist lady. It was her job to know better. I seethe over my father who, to this day, doesn't think he did or said anything wrong to me – ever. I have forgiven my mom, though. She apologized to me multiple times and I think she understands now. The others? Useless.

But that's not the point of the post. It's not about the adults. It's about the kids. And it's about me, an entire grown-up still not over events that happened more than 10 years ago. Am I immature? Am I in the wrong?

I do not wish anything but healing on the today's adults who used to be the children who each helped to fuck me up for life. I know nothing of their lives, and I bet they had it just as hard as I did, if not harder. They're not the people they were in elementary school. I'm not either. My younger self was an ass, too. We grew. I do not wish to ever speak to them, but I hope they're doing well.

The kids that live in my memories, though, I am not capable of forgiving.

...AITA?

[darlingpumpkin]

Strange Magic Chapter 2: No Questions Asked

Thank you for sticking with me, and here's Chapter 2! I hope you like it. Feel free to leave a comment to join my tag list! So so grateful for all the kind words and the support you've all given me. Comments and reblogs are very much appreciated 💓

Words: ~2.5k

Warnings: None!

Intro: Reader is Wong's assistant librarian with a long-standing crush on the doctor. Stephen is currently Sorcerer Supreme. Stephen has a theory to prove. (Read Chapter 1 here!)

"You've tried that already." You retort, trying hard not to feel your chest flutter. This is a lot of attention from the Sorcerer Supreme. You swear you feel your head growing bigger by the minute.

"New York is much too busy, much too loud, and much too angry."

Your attention is drawn to his fingers around your wrist. They gripped you rather loosely, and if you wanted to, you could easily snatch your hand away, but you allow him to touch you, just a little bit longer.

It's amazing how close he is. You take all of him in—the way he's breathing, the heat of his fingertips, and the way his lips curl slightly downwards in a frown.

Now his scars, looking at them pained you. They were long, dark, straight cuts from his nail beds that traveled down to the backs of his hands like an intricate web. He must have sustained pretty terrible injuries, and you wince at the thought of how much pain he had to go through.

Strange traces your gaze to his fingers, and he withdraws them from your wrist promptly. God, he must think you’re disgusted by him. “I-I’m sorry for staring.”

The tension in the air is palpable, and you notice Strange shuffle, feeling displaced in your little room. There isn’t much here other than a bed with a chest of your belongings at the foot of it and a chair that you use to hang your robes on.

He towers over you by a good foot, and your height difference is more apparent now that there’s barely any space for either of you to move around.

“No, I…”, you stammer, searching for the right words. It’s too late now, though. You both knew you were staring at his hands, but you had completely different thoughts than he assumed.

“I’m the one who should be sorry.” He says, breaking the silence. He holds up his trembling hands against the light and gives you a shy smile. “They’re not much to look at now, but they’ve served me well, both as a surgeon and as a Master of the Mystic Arts.”

You’re overcome by the need to stop his self-deprecating. This time, you reach up to grab his hands and hold them in yours, surprising both him and you.

“These hands have saved our reality. And they will again because that is your duty as Sorcerer Supreme.” You state matter-of-factly.

His lower jaw is slack at your boldness, but his eyes soften at your kind words.

“Um, thanks.” He responds, a little dazed. You let his hands go, and you almost miss it, but you notice him look at his palms before he closes them into fists and drops them to his side.

“I’d like for us to have a proper discussion before you completely swear off my offer.” He subtly gestures to your room. “I’d rather we do it in my office, though. It’s inappropriate for me to even be in your quarters, don’t you think?”

If only he knew how many nights you wished he would knock on your door and ask to be let in. You would have unlocked it in a heartbeat. You would have pulled him in and given him anything he wanted.

“Sure.” You respond. You tell yourself you’re curious about what he has to offer, but you know deep down that you just want to prolong this interaction with him. You clock yourself mentally.

You had done amazing work trying to avoid him and keeping him out of your active thoughts, and you’re about to undo all of your efforts just to speak to him a little longer?

He manifests a portal, and through it, you see the New York Sanctum Sanctorum’s study, which Strange had taken over and claimed as his own.

“Before you go, will you tell me your name? I want to remember it.”

Your heart really does skip a beat this time. It’s the way he says it, with such intention and gravitas that you find your blood running hot. He wants to know your name. Your silly little name.

“It’s Fara.” You respond, almost in a whisper.

“Fara…” Strange repeats. You watch his mouth form your name, the way his tongue curls around your ‘R’ sends shivers up your spine.

“Well, ladies first.” Strange holds out a hand towards the portal.

Against your better judgment, you step through and feel a slight change in temperature. It’s colder here, and you’re not dressed for it. The hairs on your arms stand up, and goosebumps decorate the surface of your skin.

After a quick scan of your surroundings, you note how nothing in this study screams Strange, apart from the half-read books on the coffee table and an open Surface tablet on a grand, dark wooden desk. He has such a big personality, so you assumed that his living spaces would also reflect it.

“Welcome to my office.”

Strange had stepped through the portal himself and saunters past you to sit down on an overbearingly large cognac armchair.

“Come sit.” He says in a tone that almost sounds like a command. Your spine tingles, but you ignore it and take a seat across from him.

As soon as you’re settled, a warm teacup instantly appears in your hand. A flame ignites in the limestone-rimmed fireplace with a flick of his wrist.

“Comfy?” He asks.

You nod. Your comfort matters to him?

“Good,” he says with a shit-eating grin and a wink.

As soon as he says this, you hear the door to the study fly open, resulting in a gust of wind strong enough to almost put out the fire.

“What’s so important that you had to text me to come immediately?” A gruff voice booms from behind you. “I’m busy. You can’t just summon me whenever it pleases you, Strange.”

You don’t need to turn around to know who it is. You shoot the man across you an incredulous look. It seems that Stephen Strange has tricked you into a sticky situation that was impossible for you to talk your way out of. You grip your cup with such force you end up cracking it.

“I think it’s you who’ll be pleased this time around.” Strange responds, a glint in his eye.

“Fara, would you like to say hi?”

Backed into a corner, you place the cup on the coffee table in front of you and stand up to face Wong. “Hi.”

“Fara, what are you doing here?”

Strange wraps an arm around your shoulder and pulls you closer so that your shoulder fits nicely into the crook of his armpit. “I’ve asked her to come help sort out our books.”

“And you agreed to this?” Wong asks. You think it could be your imagination, but he does sound a little hopeful, despite his disbelief. He’s been kind to you, and even though you wanted to distance yourself from Strange, you also couldn’t resist trying to please Wong.

As you open your mouth to respond, Strange answers for you. “She drives a hard bargain, but I promised her one-on-one training while she’s here. With all the bells and whistles she wants.”

He glances at you, searching your shocked face for approval.

One-on-one training? Hold on. That’s the opposite of what you wanted. All you ever hoped for was peace and quiet at Kamar-Taj, the comfort of your books, and Stephen Strange as far away from you as possible.

You had trouble even focusing on training when he was a trainee alongside you, and now he’s to be your instructor? You don’t know how you could have let him seduce you with a conversation. A conversation! How easy was it to manipulate you to fall into the middle of his devious schemes?

Although… it couldn’t hurt to be around him a bit more, right? You pinch the inside of your arm. If your girlfriends at Kamar-Taj knew what you were thinking, they would portal you straight to Alaska and leave you there without your Sling Ring. After all, they were the ones who set you straight when they got sick of you going on and on about the Sorcerer Supreme.

Wong cocks his head to the side in apparent confusion. He knew you had no desire to be the best Sorcerer out there. All you wanted was solace from the complexities of modern society.

“Personal training? What for?”

“Spells and incantations!” Strange responds, too quickly. An obvious lie. You’re sure Wong could tell straight away. “And it’s perfect since I’ve misplaced a few spell tomes. With Fara’s help, seeking them out should be no problem.”

“Just go along with it, and we can discuss the fine print later.” He adds under his breath, only loud enough for you to hear.

Not wanting to get on anyone’s bad side at this point, you smile at Wong and give him an excited nod. “Isn’t that great? I get to see you both more often.”

“What about the Kamar-Taj library?” Wong presses.

“I’ve got that taken care of.” Stephen lets go of you and takes a step towards Wong. “Don’t worry about it! Why don’t you go show her around instead?”

Wong had shown you the library after that terrible conversation. It seems he doesn’t trust Strange at all, and he knew there was some underlying reason for your presence here. You had done your best to reassure him that, no, you were here simply because you wanted to help.

He had taken your hand in his, your heart thumping against your rib cage as he did so, and looked you straight in the eye. “If he does anything remotely fishy or if he makes you uncomfortable, come see me.”

You feel weak from all of the lying, and all you really wanted was to lie down and be done with today. You were given new quarters, much larger than your old one. The guest room has a queen bed with a sinfully soft comforter and three more pillows than you’re used to, an actual closet, and your own modest en suite. Strange had your belongings transferred into your new room, and you busied yourself with putting them away.

The bathroom situation in Kamar-Taj was not ideal. It housed a few hundred people, and you had to be mindful about how long your showers were. Here, you had your own bath and a separate shower. You almost feel spoiled. You couldn’t remember the last time you soaked in a tub. How you loved having warm water caress your skin while you listened to music.

“Knock knock.” Strange says, his head poking through your door. Your robe is hanging over your shoulders, newly undone. Thankfully your back was to him, and it gave you time to pull the sides of it together.

“So you’re one of those people.”

He looks at you, confused. “Those people?”

You turn to face him. “Yes. The ones that say ‘knock knock’ instead of actually knocking. It’s a violation of privacy.”

Noticing your belt hanging loosely at your sides instead of fastened around your waist, Strange blushes instantly. “Oh god, sorry!”

He slams the door shut.

What was that about? You make your way across the room and yank the heavy wooden door open. Regret instantly fills you as Strange falls backward and hits his head on the floor with a loud thud.

He groans in pain and rights himself with some difficulty. “Why am I starting to get the feeling that you don’t like me?”

That couldn’t be further from the truth. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

You extend a hand to help him up, but he’s yanked up by the Cloak of Levitation before he could even take your hand. “I got it, I got it! Geez.” He complains.

“Fascinating.” You remark, craning your head to get a better look at the collar of it. A corner of the red fabric reaches up and pats you rather gruffly on the head as if it’s saying, “Back away, lady!”

“Hey now. She’s a friend. We don’t touch friends like that.” Strange chastises it.

“This is Cloak. Cloak, this is Fara.”

The same corner shakes your hand excitedly. It’s… soft. Velvety. Well. You don’t see that every day.

“Whoah, hey. Nice to meet you too.” Its excitement is contagious, and you couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

“I was just coming to check up on you,” Strange says, pushing the door shut— a rather intimate gesture that elevates your pulse, “…and maybe we can discuss that fine print I mentioned earlier.”

“Right.” You respond, not sure where this conversation is going.

He takes a seat at the foot of your bed, hands clasped together on top of his legs.

“I’m hoping you’ll stay here for as long as it takes for Wong to be satisfied with the state of this Sanctum Sanctorum.

“You can do the work, but you don’t have to. But I assume the faster you bring things up to his standards, the faster I can be out of your hair, and you can go back to your quiet little situation in Kamar-Taj.”

You nod, taking his words in.

“Of course, you’re free to stay if you grow comfortable here.”

“About that training-“ You begin to ask, but he cuts you off.

“Yes, about that training, I think it would be a great idea if we actually pursued that. It would get Wong off my back and give some legitimacy to our arrangement.”

“I’m not sure if I need it-“

“And I think it would greatly benefit both of us. I can test my theory, and you receive firsthand knowledge from the Sorcerer Supreme himself!” He states proudly, electric blue eyes glistening with mischievous excitement.

“Th-theory?”

He looks at you plainly. “Yes. From our conversation in the library. Don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten.”

“Of course, I haven’t. Because you’re so clearly wrong about that whole situation.” You can feel yourself getting worked up.

“I’m never wrong, Fara. The sooner you come to accept that, the easier your time here will be.”

How does one even respond to that? You wonder how he got to the point of being comfortable with being so cocky. You hate how it made him even more attractive to you.

“Would you like to make things interesting?” He asks. You know better than to entertain this question, but it’s too late. He’s tickled your brain. What a tempting offer. The ball’s in your court, and what could it hurt anyway? There’s a fifty percent chance of you being right, and even better, a fifty percent chance of Strange being wrong.

And he needed to be proved wrong. It would do him good to be knocked down a few pegs. Maybe then you’ll lose respect for him, and this excruciating crush will finally go away.

“Tell me more.”

“Well, if I win and I prove Wong is in love with you, you’re to be here every time he’s here. To get him off my back.”

“And if I win?” You ask, throat dry.

“You get a favor from me.” He responds, looking at you intensely. “No questions asked.”

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