#i somehow only just realized recently that this is chronic pain even though it's been around for like

[iamblueraspberry]

My jaw has been hurting ALL DAY today and it has been MISERABLE.

I had a burrito for lunch and it really hurt to chew. I could barely even eat my dinner 'cause it hurt so much, and ibuprofen hasn't done a whole lot to help with the pain (my sibling told me I probably haven't taken enough but I'm too scared to take more than 2 pills at a time).

I feel kind of dumb for not getting it checked out but my jaw almost ALWAYS hurts so I thought the pain would lessen throughout the day (like it does sometimes on other days) but it didn't.

I think it maybe might be dislocated but I'm not sure?????? I didn't even do anything to hurt it though???????? I dunno and it's really freaking me out.

It's super late right now (it's after 1 am) so I can't go to a doctor to get it checked out.

I'm gonna keep an eye on things and see if things feel better in the morning. If it doesn't get better I'm gonna see if I can go in to my doctor's to get it looked at.

Wish me luck y'all.

[kckenobi]

I wish you would write a fic where Obi-Wan sort of forgets to tell Anakin what actually happened on Zigoola. Bail is over for dinner or something one night and just starts casually bringing it up like Anakin knows the whole story and what happened to Obi-Wan’s knee. Maybe after the dinner Anakin accosts Obi-Wan about it and finds out that Obi-Wan has had chronic pain for a year or so and hasn’t mentioned it once. I am a sucker for your hurt/comfort fics if you could not tell, lol. Thanks for consistently writing my favorite fics of all time!

It wasn’t that Anakin didn’t like Bail Organa. He knew he was quite a respectable man–a rarity in the Senate, that was for sure. And Padmé certainly liked him. Obi-Wan, too. He knew they were all good friends, and that was perfectly fine. Completely, totally fine.

And Anakin wasn’t jealous at all.

So when the dinner invitation came, he acted blasé enough. Obi-Wan was striding into their quarter one afternoon during their brief leave from the front, looking down at his comm.

“Bail invited us to dinner,” he said.

Anakin dropped the droid parts he’d been working on and tried his hardest not to whirl around.

“What?”

“This evening,” Obi-Wan replied. “If you’re available.”

“He invited me?”

“Yes, and me,” Obi-Wan said. “That is the meaning of the word ‘us,’ you know.”

“I–well, yeah. I just–isn’t he your friend?”

Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows. “Well, forgive me. I didn’t realize we weren’t allowed any mutual friends. I’ll have to tell Rex and Kit and Quin I won’t be seeing them anymore, then–”

Anakin rolled his eyes, ignoring the jest. “Fine. Yeah, I’m free. I guess.” He looked down at his hands, which were still stained with grease. “I’ll get cleaned up.”

And for reasons he couldn’t explain, during the ride over and the walk to Bail’s door, and the whole introduction and small talk and drinks–Anakin felt nervous.

Bail was just–well, he was intimidating. He was twenty years older than Anakin, probably, and so well-spoken and calm. He and Obi-Wan and Padmé would make good friends actually, come to think of it. But Anakin had never been good at this side of things–give him a lightsaber, give him a droid, and he was fine. But put him at a dinner party?

“Anakin, what’s your drink of choice?”

They were seated on the couch now, and Bail was looking at him.

“Oh, um…I’m not picky,” Anakin replied. “I’ll have whatever you’re having.”

“Corellian Brandy? You sure?” Bail replied, raising an eyebrow. “Obi-Wan’s favorite, though.”

“Oh, please,” Obi-Wan said, rolling his eyes. “After…well, the last time you made me drink Corellian Brandy, I think I’ll pass.”

“Trust me, it tastes much better when you’re not on the brink of death.”

Obi-Wan laughed, but there was a darkness there. A joke Anakin didn’t understand. He knew the two of them had been on a mission recently, while he and Ahsoka were away. Obi-Wan had been pretty beat up afterward, but told him not to worry about it. But ‘brink of death’ didn’t sound like a “don’t worry about it” kind of situation. ‘Brink of death’ sounded like–

“What are you talking about?” Anakin blurted.

Bail and Obi-Wan met eyes. “Just an inside joke,” Bail murmured.

He disappeared into the liquor cabinet.

They drank their brandy mostly quietly, with Bail and Obi-Wan chattering about politics. Anakin watched them–studying the way they seemed to know each other, the ease in Obi-Wan’s posture he only displayed with people like Cody, or Quinlan, or Anakin himself. And it made his chest tight, somehow. What was it they shared that Anakin didn’t know?

But he also noticed something else–the way Obi-Wan’s eyebrows were pinched slightly in the middle. His tell for headaches and migraines, usually.

In the Force, Anakin nudged him. Obi-Wan looked his way. “What?”

Anakin’s face lightly burned. So much for being discreet. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,”Obi-Wan said. “Why would you say that?”

“You look–you’re–”

Because now that he thought about it, Obi-Wan had looked wrong for a while. He was always tired, and recently when they sparred he always seemed slow, too easily bested. He didn’t eat as much, or sleep as much, and sometimes he limped. And if the headaches had been bad before, then now…

“Is it your knee again, Obi-Wan?” Bail said.

Both of them turned.

And Obi-Wan’s gaze sent a warning. “I don’t know what you mean. My knee is, and has always been, fine.”

The words were icy. Anakin’s eyes widened.

“Is that so,” Bail said, leaning forward. “It wasn’t fine the last time I saw you.”

“It was. I’m perfectly alright–then and now,” he replied, setting his brandy down on the table. “I suppose I have a bit of a headache. But, as you taught me once, it’s nothing a drink won’t fix.”

“You know that’s not true,” Anakin said. “Your head’s been worse ever since…well, ever since you went with him on that mission a few months ago.”

“Well, of course it has,” Bail said. “Because–”

“No,” Obi-Wan said. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Because Zigoola did a number on both of us, but you’re the one who’s gonna feel the after effects of a Sith Planet–”

Anakin’s head whirled. “A Sith planet?”

“No–”

But he didn’t get to finish. Because, just as he was about to repeat that nothing was wrong, Obi-Wan sucked in a breath. He squeezed his eyes shut.

Anakin shook his head. This was one scenario where he hated to be right.

Obi-Wan leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and ran his hands across his face. Anakin looked at Bail. “His migraines are–”

“I know,” said Bail. Not sharply, but still, Anakin felt…well, he was supposed to know Obi-Wan best.

“Yeah,” Anakin said. “Um, is there somewhere dark and quiet he could go?”

“I’m alright, Anakin,” Obi-Wan replied, voice coming from somewhere between his hands. “It…came on suddenly, but it isn’t…well, I’ve had worse.”

Anakin nodded. If he could talk at all, that was good. He noticed, abruptly, that Bail had a hand on his shoulder.

“Well, then we should probably get you home,” Anakin said. “Can you–”

But Bail was already helping him stand, slipping an arm beneath his shoulders. Anakin rushed to the other side.

They helped him to the speeder. Anakin opened the door, while Bail lowered him into the passenger’s seat and closed it behind him. Anakin was about to say goodbye and climb in the driver’s side, but a hand on his arm stopped him.

“Anakin,” Bail said. “Can we talk inside?”

Anakin looked through the speeder window. Obi-Wan’s head lolled back against the seat, his eyes closed tight.

“I should get him home–”

“It won’t be long. But there’s…something you should know.”

Anakin stared at him, long and hard. Something you should know. After months of being told that everything was fine, don’t worry about it, nothing happened while he was away. Something you should know, at long last.

He tried his best not to storm back into Bail’s house.

Inside, they didn’t sit down. Anakin folded his arms across his chest, face drawn as he waited.

“I’m listening.”

Bail walked past him, as if starting to pace. But he stopped, some distance away, face drawn as he looked back at Anakin.

“I did it on purpose.”

Anakin turned his head. “What?”

“I knew he hadn’t told you,” Bail said, nodding at a sleeping Obi-Wan. “About what happened on Zigoola. But someone needed to know, someone besides me, and maybe Master Yoda. He needs someone looking out for him. I could do that, when we were together, but we aren’t now.” He exhaled. “He needs you.”

Anakin could think of about a million things to say to that. But what actually came out was, “What happened, then? On Zigoola?”

Bail looked far away. Like he was looking at Anakin, but he wasn’t. And when he finally spoke, his voice was soft.

“I don’t think I should be the one to tell you,” Bail said. “It should come from him.”

“He won’t tell me.”

“He will now, I think,” Bail almost smiled. “I forced his hand. Because someone has to know. I have Breha looking out for me at home. Your w–I mean, Padmé looking out for me here. And now, he’ll have you.”

Anakin’s eyes flickered down, whether from embarrassment or worry he couldn’t say. He did need to leave–Obi-Wan was waiting.

But he fought the urge to run out right away. He looked at Bail, saw the genuine care there. The worry. Maybe it was the years Bail had on him, but he almost looked…fatherly. He didn’t know if Bail had children. But he bet he’d make a good one, one day.

Anakin did have to go. Obi-Wan was waiting out there, hurting. But he did pause. Shook Bail’s hand, however awkwardly.

“Thanks,” he said. “For telling me. And…and for looking out for him, then and now.” He exhaled. “I’m glad to know he has a friend in you. That we both do.”

As he stepped back outside, Bail watching from the door, Obi-Wan's words echoed back to him from this afternoon. Well. Maybe we are friends, after all.

He drove home as slowly and gently as possible–for once, taking care to follow the speed limits and traffic laws. Obi-Wan was a little worse now, he could tell from the pinch in his face and the way he inhaled sharply whenever they passed brighter lights. But they made it home without incident, and soon enough they were walking back into Obi-Wan’s quarters.

Anakin darkened the room. Got him water, his meds, sleep clothes. And when he was situated, and Anakin knew he could leave him to sleep it off, he paused. Sat down on the edge of the bed.

“You should’ve told me, you know,” he said quietly. “I’m not gonna argue it out with you right now. But I just need you to know you’re an idiot.”

From beneath the sheets, Obi-Wan hummed. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

“Yeah, well.” He shifted, so he was sitting up against the headboard in Obi-Wan’s bed. “You’ll tell me the truth, then? When you’re better?”

A pause. Then, a nod.

“Good. Otherwise, I’d have to go back to Bail and squeeze it out of him with a little more Corellian Brandy.”

Obi-Wan hummed again. His voice was raspy and soft. “Glad to see you two have bonded over my idiocy.”

“The best of friends do,” he said. “But anyway. I’m just…glad he’s there for you, is all.”

Anakin stood from the bed, pausing just once to lay a hand gently on Obi-Wan’s hair.

“I’ll be in the kitchen. Call if you need anything.”

Though he expected Obi-Wan wouldn’t even need to. If it got worse, he’d sense it from anywhere on Coruscant.

He shut the door behind him, and resolved to make some caf and pick a holo to watch until the worst had passed. Until the worst had passed, and they could talk.

Soon. Soon, the truth.

For now, he was content to wait. And be there.

[queerautism]

ask game: i've been experiencing chronic pain as long as i can remember, but i havent even noticed it until recently, because the stress of school and life in general just... starts killing me, eventually. and i only realized it wasnt normal when a friend literally said "yeah, no, constant pain is not normal-" to me. i havent ever really seen myself as disabled, i know i absolutely count as it, but i'm used to the pain until it flares so it doesnt affect me too much. (unless i get hurt somehow then it just lingers and gets worse the longer it does) i also cant do anything but self dx, my doctors office keeps flunking appointments, mental health and physical health and i cant do anything to fix it. i know i need mobility aids to be able to function whatsoever in public without immediately being shot into flareups when i get the bare minimum chance to rest, but i still dont feel like i should be calling myself disabled. this isnt even including my mental health, which im very aware is down in the absolute mariana trench of the dumps, but. i feel like i dont deserve mobility aids, or the help i do need, because im not diagnosed, i don't feel like im "disabled" because im not diagnosed, even though self-dxing is good and needed and something that should be accepted but. idk

PLEASE use mobility aids. If they help, then you should be using them, that's all that matters. You are disabled enough, you count, and you deserve to do whatever helps make your pain a little more bearable.

I'm sorry you cannot currently get any help from the medical system. It sucks so bad. But you can still do small things to make your quality of life better 💜

[furiousgoldfish]

I haven't been writing a lot lately because my recovery has been taking a wild turn and in lack of anyone to talk to or therapy, I'll be writing about it here! I'll put it under a cut. There are some descriptions of recovery going very wrong, and also explanations of things I was wrong about.

So since the pandemic started I've been deteriorating badly, first I've been processing trauma extensively, having intense breakdowns and gradually it turned into depression from lack of stimulation, I've been completely alone for months without speaking to, or seeing anyone. I thought it was the isolation getting to me, and decided I just need to endure that, indulge in whatever coping I could and wait for it to end. And then things got worse.

Even as normally I was seeing some very slow progress in recovery; now it was going backwards; I was having less and less ability to get anything done, I wasn't able to force myself to do my job for months, I kept getting stuck in bed for weeks, chronic pain got so bad I couldn't move on most days. And, it only kept going worse.

My breakdowns stared to be about the present instead of the past; I couldn't handle being in pain all the time. As in before I would recover from a breakdown within a day or two, now it took 4 days to a week, and the trauma episodes would last for hours, so intense I'd find myself hoping I would die during it.

And then, I started losing all mobility and this seriously freaked me out. Everything above I've already experienced before, without long term consequences, but now my body was losing function in a way that felt permanent; I could no longer move for more than few minutes, and without extensive pain. Sometimes I would try to get up and end up collapsing and screaming from how much it hurt, I would move my arm and my whole body would experience a shock of intense pain. I was scared, I no longer knew what was going on, I was suspecting something more than ptsd was wrong. I've forced myself into physical activity, trying to fight this, I tried stretching, exercising, running, punching, and every single one of these activities made it incredibly worse. I thought I had broken my body by laying down too much. I no longer felt anything but terror and dread, and kept spiralling into scenarios of my own death; it felt inevitable, I wasn't going to survive without ability to move, nobody would take care of me.

I tried out medicine that helps relaxing, it had minimal effect. Then, in desperation to check if this was all ptsd, I attempted self harm, to see if it erases the pain. It did. It lowered the pain significantly It was a big relief, even though I wasn't happy with resorting to that, at least I could move around for a while, and I was grateful for that. Times couldn't be more desperate, and the measure felt fitting. I was still in a very bad shape, and the pain was only somewhat lessened.

It was about that time someone sent me the Complex PTSD book; I had wanted it for a while and immediately went to read it. I felt some relief reading it, and I was struck with the realization that I have not felt any relief in more than a year. It also surprised me with some of the exact descriptions of my behaviour, that I didn't realize was a symptom. I thought it was necessary and smart of me to live in hiding, to avoid interaction and never connect to anyone; it kept me safe. It turns out it's a regular freeze response to trauma; I got very called out for it. It also explains that a freeze response is what people use when anything else doesn't work, and it's true! I had been fighting, fawning and perfecting myself desperately prior to realizing that absolutely nothing helps, and froze to survive. It also described that freeze types are capable of surviving prolonged isolation because their brains produce hormones that relax the body as if they're going thru a moment before death; also true for me, I've been aware my brain does that, only I get that way too often, and it only helps me marginally because I'm too used to it.

Another thing I was very wrong about was my concept of my inner critic; I thought I had already won that battle, because I did not allow any voice in my head to criticize me (my alters can drag me affectionately), and I generally didn't experience a lot of shame or guilt for what I was going thru. The book describes inner catastrophizer, which is an extention of the critic, and it causes you to spral into extremely negative scenarios of your own demise. Now that.. was happening to me every single day, I saw myself dead around every corner. But I always thought my fears about that were perfectly reasonable. I had been tortured into suicidal state as a kid and nobody cared, I barely escaped with my life from there, I was living illegally, in hiding, without a normal job or regular income, without close friends or any family, with ptsd i couldn't get diagnosed for, without ability to work due to ptsd, in a capitalistic society where being able to work is only thing between you and dying. I had, by that point, gained many skills of survival, but it still felt very reasonable to fear that I would die if I don't get better soon.

The book described people who had families, jobs, social circles, friends and community, who spiraled into deep fear of becoming homeless and dying on the street; somehow their spiraling was exactly the same as mine, and it made me realize that it was, in fact, a symptom, and not reflection of reality. Because I was spiraling even when laying in my bed or eating or sleeping, knowing I could still afford rent for months because I arranged my life to allow myself to lay down a lot. I kept fearing my parents were coming to end my life, even when I arranged my entire existence specifically to prevent this from happening. And even if I was sick and without a real job, I had in fact, survived for 5 years after running away, I wasn't getting worse at it. My spiraling into death scenarios was a symptom of being trapped within a flashback.

The book guided me to try to challenge these fears, I immediately went for it, had a breakdown, screamed "I can't" for like an hour, had additional few breakdowns afterwards, and miraculously, recovered from them in only few hours. And then, I woke up from my flashback.

I won't describe what the flashback was, because it's too gruesome and horiffic, but it was in fact, bad enough to warrant every single bit of that pain I was experiencing, and a very convoluted, complex trauma. I was waiting to be killed in that flashback. Whats concerning is, I've been trapped in that same flashbacks for more than a year. After I broke my way out of it, it felt like I woke up to being alive for the first time in years. I got out being frozen in bed.

For 5 amazing days, I was able to do whatever I wanted. Chronic pain? I didn't know her. It was absoluely exhilirating to get to move again, I was not getting tired either, I was out there making up for months of doing nothing and I was not collapsing at any point. I felt actual joy again, and hope, and being free from pain was so extremely good, that alone made me ecstatic. I was able to create, to be organized, to take care of myself, to follow a checklist, to focus, I was a Normal Person for those 5 days.

And then, predictably, I was getting back stuck in that flashbacks and my levels of terror and dread spiked again. I went to re-read the book, and it took me a few days to really figure it out again, I don't know exactly how the book works on me, I feel like it says just the right keywords to trigger me into realizations and causes breakdowns that set me free. I found myself able to stop some spiraling, but sometimes I can't, that flashback holds immense power over me and is actually mixed with 10 other near-death scenarios that are too extreme for me to process, so this will keep happening. I did break free again, and got to experience additional few days of movement and happiness; I also started working extensively with my child alter, who was until recently extremely suicidal and dangerous to work with.

I am still kinda lost in all of this, and unsure whats going on, but I do believe I wont get trapped in a flashback again for a whole year. I became so anxious and helpless due to isolation, I forgot how to fight trauma, I forgot I actually had to do it. I used to do it constantly in the beginning, but it had made me suicidal back then to face all this, so I tried to just let it heal naturally, which I believed would eventually happen; but it didn't, I got trapped and suffered without knowing how to get out. I also believed my own spiraling was a reflection of reality and not trauma, and that fueled it a lot.

It explains very eloqently in the book how inner catastrophizing comes from being massively neglected; children who are not looked after start to realize just how unprotected they are, so their own sense of danger becomes hypersensitive and starts to lock on possible dangers everywhere. This is then further aided by media that points out every possible bad thing that could happen to a person, and the child who isn't guided by adult who could actually make a reasonable distinction between real and unlikely danger, will clock it all as absolute possibilities and be on alert. It's also fueled by the line of disasters and dangers that happen to them in the context of their own home, and for me, the strongest factor was my parents constantly convincing me that I would die without them. Even though I proved this wrong, and understand they did it precisely because they knew there was a lot of survival ability in me and that's why they worked so hard to destroy it, the fact that it was brainwashed into me under circumstances of torture still makes it impossible for me to fight it.

Maybe one day I will be able to.

I'm writing this because writing things down helps to make sense of it all, and I need to find my way thru this. I also hope someone else will see themselves in what I'm describing and it will help them find a way forward. Complex ptsd is the only book I found that speaks from the point of view of a person who survived cptsd, healed from it, and had so much experience with other traumatized people they're able to draw parallels and create patterns and statistics out if it, it was that more than anything that convinced me of their words, and gave me hope. The book also warns many times of how essential it is to reduce inner critic and catastrophizer before getting other recovery work done, other therapy might only do further harm before this work is done. It was true for me.

If you wanna read this book, here's a post with the links!

[bruh-haikyuu]

REQUEST: Can I request Bokuto with a soft & short manager s/o and she always helps the team cheer bokuto up when hi is in emo mode and like a lot of fluff🥺👉👈

A/N: Tumblr is being a whore with their Keep Reading button, putting it on the ask and shit smh. So I apologize for the repost.

alate. | bokuto kōtarō

word count: 1776

warnings: none

(adj.) having wings; lifted up in flight

Official match protocols only allowed one manager on the court for each team. Fukurodani Academy’s Boys’ Volleyball team always had their lenient but reliable third year managers to get the job done. Third-years Yukie and Kaori had been your final salvation against the inevitable fate of having to care for the raucous boys alone. But today with some lucky fortune of theirs, they’d somehow coerced you into taking their place.

“...Will I experience any internal combustions by the end of the match?”

The three of you stood in a personal circle at the entrance to the gym. The three managers of Fukurodani, with your two seniors looming over you like two scheming birds of prey. They didn’t even have to ask why you were so worried; despite being a second-year, this was your first time to stand on the court with the team instead of panicking on your own on the sidelines. This time, you were in the game, up-close-and-personal.

“You’ll do fine~” Yukie grinned, raising her right hand in a lazy ‘OK’ gesture. “Besides, you’re a total expert when it comes to giving Bokuto a good knock in the head.”

If Bokuto’s vanity was a chronic disease, he’d need more than just a “good knock in the head” to be cured. But Yukie wasn’t wrong. Your praises, in comparison to the others’, had a quicker, more powerful effect on the ace. Though you weren’t sure if that skill of yours was more of a blessing than a curse...

“W-well, I’ll do my best,” you muttered, fiddling with the hem of your track jacket. Your seniors exchanged a look before smiling softly at you.

“Oh, and one more thing!” Kaori piped up as you lugged the bag full of empty bottles over your shoulder. “Can you act a bit bashful when you’re complimenting the captain?

“Why’s that, Kaori-san?”

“Bokuto thinks you look cute when you’re embarrassed.”

══════ ⋆★⋆ ══════

‘Cute’? What did that even mean? Did Bokuto always think people were ‘cute’ whenever they flash a single praise at him? Not that you remembered... What’s with that, you grumbled, angrily trying to get the concept into your skull.

Your eyes darted back to the court where—much to your distress—the other team just had to be painfully good at blocks. Now, you just hoped that the boys wouldn’t get too disgruntled.

The score was 12-15, with Torasaka Metropolitan High in the lead. Though Fukurodani had obtained their twelfth point with a lucky read on Torasaka’s setter dump, things were obstinately bleak for your team.

“I want to try it!” you heard Bokuto exclaim excitedly. From afar, you could already spot a few sullen scowls begin to form on his teammates’ faces. “Hey, ‘Kaashi, do you want to try that block with me?”

The setter sent you a pained expression enough for guilt to comically swallow you whole. Returning his attention to the ace who’s practically bouncing on his heels, Akaashi sighed. “Bokuto-san, let’s focus on our normal blocks first.”

A child! you thought incredulously as you watched the captain stick out his tongue at him. Though Bokuto was particularly a sight to behold when he’s in top form, just how confident could he be, trying something so risky in a middle of a tight match? Or was he just a complete and utter numbskull? You thought he was rather amazing for the juxtaposition... in a Bokuto fashion, of course.

As Washio prepared to serve, you watched the ace literally vibrate with eagerness of having such an “interesting enemy”. Whenever Bokuto got extremely fired up, it was your inevitable fate that you just couldn’t look away. The way his jersey hugged his hulking frame as he flexed his muscles in preparation to follow the path of the ball, it was nearly bewitching. If he had been like this his entire life, you were sure your heart wouldn’t take being with Bokuto for a mere second.

“It’s up!” Torasaka’s libero signaled, cleanly receiving Washio’s serve (much to the player’s frustration).

In your memory, Torasaka High wasn’t a much known threat until just recently. “Their new first years block like a fort,” you remembered what Coach Yamiji had said in the bus that morning. Despite far from being as crafty as Nohebi or as versatile as Nekoma, Tokyo teams were a force to be reckoned with.

What a terrifying sport, you thought to yourself for what seemed to be the fifth time this month.

“Left! Left!”

On the other side of the court, Sarukui, Bokuto and Akaashi scrambled to follow the ball’s trajectory. Though you were only a rookie in this entire volleyball thing, you were quick to notice that Bokuto’s footsteps were a bit smaller and slower than the first two...

Wait, is he planning to delay the timing of his block now?!

It was definitely a quick from the other side. It was evident, even to you. And when the two jumped to block the ball with their ace lagging behind, the ball had already streaked over him at a dangerous angle. Point Torasaka.

Landing on the pads of his feet, Akaashi’s expression shifted between “candidly annoyed” and “visibly concerned” as he watched the captain raise his head for his team to see.

“You’re kidding me...” Sarukui groaned under his breath. Behind him, the others followed promptly with their own reactions of disbelief.

His infamous salt-and-pepper hair deflating alongside his shoulders, Bokuto whined, loud enough for you to hear from the benches. “The hell... I thought I had that block mastered. Why’d they have to make it look so easy?”

Time-out! Akaashi turned to you and the coach a with pleading stare, hard enough for your supervising teacher to shoot upwards and signal the referee for their second break of the match.

Groaning, you stuffed your face in your hands, hoping that your senior managers in the audience were praying for your good health.

“What were you thinking?!” Coach Yamiji hissed, giving the sulking ace a well-deserved smack to the side of his head. Bokuto didn’t even flinch. “You could’ve—”

“Coach. Let me.”

Snapping his head in your direction, the old man grew pale when he heeded the dark aura that spewed from your body. Even the others, though they were only watching the entire event go down, was hyper-aware of the invisible, nightmarish fog that came with your frustration.

You’d always seemed so sweet and indulgent, never angry. Never. And yet Bokuto had finally gotten you to drop the tether that held your patience together.

Walking to Bokuto, you sent him a scowl so cold, he forgot how to blink. The rest of the team, the coach, your teacher and even Yukie and Kaori in the stands shivered from the sudden gust of frosty air that oozed from you. Some of the audience surprisingly turned their heads to watch the spectacle of the tiny Fukurodani manager who seemed like she was about to trample on their ace.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

“Bokuto, you—!”

You froze. No. If you scolded him now, that only make matters worse. Bokuto didn’t fare well when he was scolded by Kaori or Yukie either. Besides, you were his manager, not his mother. But what else were you going to do?

Bokuto thinks you look cute when you’re embarrassed.

Swallowing a nagging lump in your throat, you recalled the words of your seniors. Embarrassed? How do you do embarrassed? Was that even a thing you could pull off manually? Taking in a deep breath, you tightened your fist before loosening them in front of your body. Something was better than nothing.

“B-Bokuto-senpai...?”

“Senpai?!” the others snapped towards you, jaws on the floor. Even Bokuto was stunned.

Eyeing his interested gaze, you continued, fidgeting bashfully, “Bokuto-senpai’s such a slob... If you just listened to the others... you’d be a lot cooler...”

Komi tugged at the back of Konoha’s jersey, whispering in the blonde one’s ear, “She’s pulling out the ‘Cute Tsundere’ card!”

Stupefied, the wing spiker muttered, “Bokuto’s actually taking the bait... Scary. L/N-san’s scary.”

And take the bait he did. You didn’t even realize how red you were with the way he was looking at you—and the shade was fully unintentional, much to your chagrin. But Bokuto’s sullen mood was far gone, replaced with the brighter interest of infatuation.

“A lot cooler...?” Bokuto savored your words in his tongue, before whipping out both his hands to grab at your shoulders. “Y-You think I’m cool?!”

You didn’t even have to pretend to be shy anymore. The close contact of his skin, the scent of his sweat mingled with the musky aroma of his cologne and the pinkish tint on his cheeks. It was too much, and you soon wondered if Bokuto had always seemed this charming to you.

“Y-you airhead! Of course I do,” you mumbled, lowering your sight to the floor. “You’re already really good at volleyball, but you do things like forcing yourself to do a block you can’t do just because you want attention and... and now everyone has to bear that burden.”

“Please go on a date with me.”

You flinched in his grasps. This was escalating much faster than you’d hoped it would. Unable to register what he had said, you asked him to repeat himself.

“The cute Y/N-chan thinks I’m cool. That’s like a dream come true, right? So if I become cool again, won’t you go on a date with me?”

How unbelievable. One second he almost reminded you of the small boy that lived below your apartment, and the next he was like some sort of phantom thief, ready to whisk you away from the confines of your castle and steal your heart. You smiled earnestly; Bokuto Koutarou really was a man of many wonders.

Slipping yourself away from his grip, you raised an index finger between his eyes. “If you win... I’ll consider it.”

Like a phoenix rising from its ashes, the ace lit up once more. Revived, renewed, and heart set on taking you out. While dragging Akaashi back onto the court, Bokuto made it a point that he was looking at you all the way. You giggled. What an interesting person.

From the stands, your gaze traced the motto of Fukurodani’s Volleyball Club. Pour all your soul into each ball. Bokuto played with passion, with his emotions and whenever the time was right, with his logic too. For a while, volleyball seemed like the last thing you’d want to spend your life doing. But seeing the ace’s blushing grin to you when they’d scored the final match point... it might not be as bad as you thought it’d be.

[plasticnightmaredoll]

So, this is a little goofy thing featuring Arkham Knight Eddie and a female!o/c  that was inspired by an actual dream I had recently. Like, literally, the dream mentioned in this story is almost exactly the same.

It’s pretty short and I’m....not entirely sure it’s good but I dunno...I wanted to get that dream out of my head somehow and turn it into something positive so...here is this silly drabble.

Contains some smut and suggestive comments, but nothing overly explicit. 

Words: 2104 Title: i'm best when I'm In love Rating: M (going with the AO3 smutty content labels here)

“My Dear, you’re struggling,” Edward said as he moved one of his pawns. 

“Well, I have yet to beat you, Eddie,” Sara responded in a tense voice, letting out a sharp, frustrated breath.

“True, but lately, you’ve been performing much better than this. Right now, your tactics are sloppy, like when I first started teaching you.”

“Chess takes time to learn, right?”

“Correct, and you have the benefit of learning from an astounding genius like myself. However, your focus is not on the game, so no matter what I say, you’re still going to lose much sooner than you should.”

“It’s not over yet.”

Edward’s gaze moved from the chess board to Sara’s agitated expression, noting the almost pained look in her eyes as she tried so very hard to concentrate on the game. It was easy to see that she was becoming more panicked by the second, and whatever skills she had acquired from his teachings had gone out the window for the time being.

“No, but the way you’re tap, tap, tapping that Knight piece on the table indicates there’s a much more serious problem here,” Edward said.

Sara hadn’t even realized she was doing it, and quickly stopped once she looked down at her right hand. The Knight piece was given a much-needed break as she set it on the table and tried to gather her thoughts.

“Sorry,” Sara said, running a hand through her hair. 

As much as Edward wanted for Sara to look at him, he knew how nerve-wracking it could be for her to make direct eye contact when she was upset. It did sadden him, though, that she had barely glanced at him the whole time they’d been together that day, and part of him wondered if there was something he did to make her uncomfortable -- or something he didn’t do. Both of them had a lot of pent up emotions, and while they were quick to unleash them when under stress, they were also terrible at asking for help or simply being vulnerable in general. So, he had to approach this cautiously. 

“Where is your mind at, Dearest Devinette?” he asked, tilting his head slightly to the side.

Sara let out a little huff which was as close to a chuckle as she could muster upon hearing one of his (rather adorable) nicknames for her.

“I’ve just got something on my mind,” she replied, resting her head in her left hand as she leaned on the table.

“Obviously,” said Edward, rolling his eyes. “But what precisely is on your mind?”

Sara chewed on her lower lip as she pondered how to respond. It was stupid, she told herself, what she was thinking, what she had been thinking, and she was almost embarrassed to admit it out loud -- let alone to herself. Edward was not going to take “no” for an answer, though, nor would he believe any lie she could toss into his lap. She was a terrible liar to begin with, and he was far too perceptive. 

“It’s about, um….” Sara began, her throat starting to clamp up as her heart raced in her chest. “It’s, uh, about...a…”

The need to “hide” was too great at that moment, and Sara abruptly stood and turned her back to Edward, bringing her index finger to her mouth to bite at the second knuckle.

“It’s about a dream I had recently,” Sara confessed, her mouth dry and her heart beating so loudly in her ears she thought Edward might hear it.

“Ok?” Edward said slowly, waiting for her to continue despite feeling a little impatient.

As much as Edward wanted to help his love, there was little he could do without knowing the details of what troubled her so. Being helpless like this -- being helpless at all -- always drove him crazy. He needed to solve this, but he also needed answers first.

“Well, in the dream, we were working together,” Sara continued. “At a job. At a company. We were programmers.”

“It sounds like a very tame dream so far,” Edward commented.

“We were on a project together, and we liked each other. You liked me. I felt so happy to be noticed by a guy, and I thought I had a chance with you. But then...things changed. A new programmer started working there, a pretty blonde woman who was really smart. Like, a natural. You suddenly stopped paying attention to me, choosing to spend time with her. You both looked very happy, had lots to talk about, and whenever I tried to get your attention, you would...brush me off. You even...removed yourself from the project we were working on so you could work with this woman on a different one. I was invisible to you after that, and very alone.”

Edward felt a mixture of frustration, sympathy, confusion, and hurt over Sara’s dream. It was pure nonsense, no doubt, in every possible way, but clearly, it had an effect on her. Insecurities could twist your thoughts and emotions in painful ways, ways that didn’t even make sense. But they tugged at you until you gave into them and believed what they believed. 

He could relate to that, even if he wasn’t willing to admit it out loud.

Edward got up from the table and approached Sara, wrapping his arms around her from behind to hold her against him.

“Oh, my silly little riddle,” he said with a smile, trying to brighten her spirits in some way. “It was just a dream, nothing more.”

“But...would you ever…?” Sara asked, her voice cracking.

“Would I ever, what?”

“Leave me for someone smarter, prettier…”

“What? No! Don’t be foolish!”

Edward made Sara turn to face him, his heart breaking upon seeing her tear-streaked face.

“I’m not going to leave you,” Edward said, cupping her face in his hands so she’d look at him. “You are the only one I want to be with. That dream was absolute nonsense, My Dear. I cannot even fathom for a second the mere idea of choosing someone else over you…” He leaned in and nuzzled her nose with his, smiling sweetly. “...my favorite distraction, my Darling Devinette, my Ravishing Riddle...”

Sara snorted, a grin spreading across her face.

“My Endearing Enigma,” Edward added, relieved to see her giggling.

“The nicknames are killing me,” Sara said, wiping her face. “You’re goofy.”

“”Goofy? Goofy, you say?” 

“Yes, and a total fucking nerd!”

“Oh, is that how it is then? Hmm?”

Edward scooped Sara up into his arms, humming contentedly.

“Well, this ‘Goofy Nerd’ is going to whisk you off to bed and physically  -- very physically -- demonstrate to you exactly how I feel.”

“Oh, my…” Sara said with a chuckle.

“I am going to make it so that you won’t be capable of coherent thoughts or speech,” Edward said with a smirk as he carried her to their bedroom. “You’ll be so overwhelmed with pleasure that the only thing you’ll be able to do is feel. No more negative, idiotic thoughts!”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Sara said, biting her lip.

---

“Oh, God, Eddie, there, please!”

“You’re so perfect, My Darling, so perfect…I can’t get enough...Oh, God!”

“What?” 

“Oh, no, no, no...not now!”

Sara watched Edward sit up, one hand covering the lower half of his face. While she couldn’t see anything yet, she knew what was happening.

“Oh, Eddie,” she said, quickly grabbing tissues for him. 

Edward took them and applied them to his bleeding nose, looking completely humiliated. Sara reached out to him, brushing hair from his face, but he jerked away, too embarrassed to even look at her. The poor man suffered from chronic nosebleeds, probably because his nose had been broken so many times (Thanks, Batman), and sometimes he got them during the most inconvenient moments.

“Let’s go to the bathroom,” Sara said.

She followed Edward into the bathroom, grabbing a wad of paper towels to hand to him for his nose. He threw the bloody tissues into the waste bin with a grunt, still unable to look her in the eye.

“I’ll run a bath,” Sara said as she went to turn on the tub faucet.

Edward’s nosebleed did slow while the tub filled up, but he still hated himself. Why did he have to have one while he was in the middle of…? With her? He was supposed to be making her feel good, not...bleeding on her. It was disgusting -- he felt disgusting. What kind of lover was he? 

Sara tapped Edward’s shoulder, telling him the bath was ready. He mumbled something, tossing the blood-soaked paper towels into the waste bin before turning to her. Why did she have to look at him like that? Like she was worried? Why did she care so much? Why wasn’t she angry with him for ruining ‘the mood?’ Or grossed out? There was drying blood on her shoulder still, and yet, she didn’t seem to care. 

Edward and Sara got into the tub with her sitting behind him. Taking a rag, she soaked it in the bathwater then handed it to him so he could clean his nose, lips, and chin of blood, and thankfully, the nosebleed had stopped by then. When she started to shampoo his hair, her elegant fingers lightly scratching his scalp as she hummed some random tune, he remembered the dream she had told him about. Once his hair was rinsed, he turned to face her, his expression full of guilt and sorrow. 

“What’s wrong, Eddie?” Sara asked.

“This is just one of the many reasons why I could never want someone else,” Edward said quietly. “You’re so kind to me, so gentle...and I didn’t do anything to deserve it -- to deserve you. No one has ever treated me the way you do, no one has ever looked at me the way you do, no one has ever spoken to me the way you do.... I never realized how...how alone I was until I met you. I’d do anything for you, give up everything for you…”

Even my own life, he thought. 

“So, please, never doubt how much you mean to me,” Edward said.

Sara was blushing, trying to come up with a response but too flustered to speak properly. 

“I...I don’t know ….I don’t know...what to say,” she admitted, smiling shyly. “I’ve….never heard someone say something like that before…”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Edward assured her with a small, warm smile. “Just be with me.”

“Of course.”

Edward turned around so he could rest against her, his head on her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around him. While he was planning to finish what he started once they were out of the tub and back into bed, in that moment, he felt absolutely perfect where he was. All his life, he’d never had affectionate physical contact. Sure, there was the awkward hug here and there, or obligatory embrace when he had a lover (and there were very, very, very few of those), but nothing that was genuine or even remotely pleasant.

But in moments like this one with his beloved, he felt like he could be as vulnerable as he needed because she’d never hurt or humiliate him. When she hugged him, it was always warm and welcoming. Whenever she held his hand, she loved to lace their fingers together, almost like she was “trapping” him but in the most romantic way possible. Whenever she kissed him, he felt absolutely smitten because her kisses were so comforting or even playful.

“I love you, My Dearest Horny Geek,” Sara whispered, barely holding back a cute chuckle.

Edward rolled his eyes but smirked at her outrageously endearing nickname for him. 

“And I love you, My Dearest Horny Enigma,” he replied, and they both couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Two horny peas in a pod,” she said as she placed a kiss to the top of his head. “And, you know, if you’re still up for it, you could put your ‘pea’ back in my ‘pod’ once we’re done with this bath.”

Edward slowly turned his head to look up at Sara, his cheeks a bright pink and his gaze full of bewilderment. When she snorted in amusement, he soon found himself joining her in a fit of childish giggles. And here she had been worried he would fall out of love with her. No one could make him laugh or grin like he did. No one could make him feel loved and needed like she did.

Only her. 

What a lucky little shit he was….

----

And there we have it! Hopefully it’s not too crappy. I’m not totally satisfied with it but don’t feel like making it a longer story (at least, not right now). Let me know what you think and damn, I have really depressing dreams sometimes.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi! I tried to send this before, but I’m not sure it went through. Forgive me if you got this request twice. Do you possibly know any fics where John chooses Sherlock over Mary? Specifically after Sherlock comes back, John realizes that his feelings for Sherlock are more than what he feels for Mary? Thank you for any help! Your blog is a treasure! Thank you!

Hi Nonny!

I could have sworn I’ve already answered this ask, but I’m not finding the post nor the offline fic rec list I make in case of Tumblr fuckups, and I apparently didn’t, so… HERE WE GO!!

It’s not all of the fics I have for sure... I just posted the ones I remember! Please feel free, lovelies, to add your own fics!! I’ve certainly missed some!!!

JOHN CHOOSES SHERLOCK OVER MARY

See also: 

Sherlock and John’s Wedding

Marriage, Weddings, & Proposals (April 2019)

Proposals

Infidelity

Evil / Not-Nice / Villain Mary

It's a Dummy by Johnnlocked (Krullenbol2602) (T, 2,574 w., 1 Ch. || HLV-Remix, Major Character Injury, H/C, Love Confessions, Mary is Not Nice, 3G Moment) – What if Mary had taken the shot?

Let Go by thisisforyou (G, 2,743 w., 1 Ch. || Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Fluff, Anxious / Worried Sherlock) – In the end, separating John's things from Sherlock's in the chaos of their sitting room is like pulling a limpet from a wet rock. Especially when the rock is clinging on for dear life, because Sherlock doesn't want to let go. Short, fluffy h/c Johnlock oneshot.

My First, My Only, and My Forever by vintagelilacs (E, 6,220 w., 1 Ch. || Post-ASiB, Virgin Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock’s Bum, John’s Scar, Sherlock POV, Body Worship, Fingering, Bottomlock, Promise of Forever / Proposals, Misunderstanding, First Kiss/Time, Loss of Virginity, Virginity Kink, Seduction) – Sherlock narrowed his eyes. He was missing a vital piece of data, he was sure. John had been looking at him oddly ever since they left Buckingham Palace, and the ensuing incident with Irene Adler had only exacerbated his erratic behaviour. What was it? Why would he care that Sherlock was a virgin? There was nothing reminiscent of mockery or pity in his gaze. And then it hit him. John Watson was aroused.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalized Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by "accident", it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

The Palmyra Atoll by elwinglyre (E, 16,609 w., 3 Ch. || TSo3 Divergence / Episode Fix-It, Stockholm Syndrome, Kidnapped John Watson, John Whump, Evil Mary, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Toplock, Limited 3rd John POV) – As John's preparing for the wedding, Sherlock is preparing to have his heart broken, and Mary is prepared to do the unthinkable. Intervention required. Enter Sherlock. Set before Sign of Three with a far different outcome. John is drugged, kidnapped, and left on an island, but not just any old island.

A Study In Auto-Signatures, Sniper Dolphins, and Sex Holidays by cwb (E, 32,689 w., 8 Ch. || Case Fic, Post S3, Evil Mary, Dev. Rel., Beach Holidays, Confused Sherlock, Friends to Lovers, Honeymoon, Epistolary, Bottomlock, First Kiss / Time, Fluff, Secret Agents, BAMF!John) – John and Mary go on their sex holiday, and Sherlock is grumpy and pining about it. Part 1 of HOT DOLPHIN SEX

carrying up his morning tea by darcylindbergh (E, 34,504 w., 5 Ch. || Post S3, Minor Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Wakes/Funerals, Estranged John, Pining Sherlock, Depression/Insecurity, Slow Burn, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Chronic Pain/Injury, Reconciliation, Awkwardness, Loneliness, Scars, Angst With Happy Ending) – His fingers tremble as he dials and he can’t force them steady. Familiar number, even though he hasn’t used it in two years. He isn’t even sure he should be calling it now, but she’d asked. She’d made him promise.

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

Right Hand Man by SilentAuror (E, 42,031 w., 4 Ch. ||  H/C, Injury, Slow Burn) – When John's left arm becomes paralysed after a car accident, Mary asks Sherlock to take him back to Baker Street to recuperate, as she's about to give birth. Despite the fact that the search for Moriarty is ongoing, Sherlock takes John in and takes responsibility for overseeing his rehabilitation as he adjusts to the loss of his arm.

Guidelines by WithLoweredVoices (M, 43,018 w., 15 Ch. || Winglock || Angels, Fantasy, Angst, BAMF! John, War, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Jealous John, Falling in Various Ways, Needy Sherlock, Wings) – The Good Soldier, one of the oldest and strongest of the fallen, is offered a bargain: to live as John Watson and to Guide a fledgling archangel so that he will stay on the path of good. Of course, Sherlock Holmes has different ideas about his destiny. Fantasy AU. Warnings for violence, occasional gore, and a whole load of hurt and angst.

Scars by SilentAuror (E, 60,494 w., 5 Ch. || Rape / Non-Con / Abuse, Gaslighting, Manipulation, Dub Con Elements, Homophobia, Angst With Happy Ending, Mary is Not Nice) – S3 rewrite, showing Mary’s manipulation of John as he realizes his love for Sherlock. Mary is not having it.

The Progress of Sherlock Holmes by ivyblossom (E, 62,006 w., 25 Ch. || First Person Sherlock POV, Pining, Angst, Slow Burn, Infidelity, Sherlock Learns About Himself, Happy Ending) – Sherlock struggles with his feelings for John, makes a mistake, and learns just how important he and John are to each other. Non-BBC Mary / John, but it’s a *complicated* relationship.

Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

The Moonlight and the Frost by CaitlinFairchild (E, 77,289 w., 10 Ch. || Case Fic, Post-HLV, Self Harm, Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Oral/Anal/Rimming, Romance, Angst, Mary is Not Nice) – John has to somehow rebuild his life in the wake of Mary's betrayal and Sherlock's deceptions.

Not Broken, Just Bent by Schmiezi (E, 87,585 w., 43 Ch. || Pining, Love Confessions, Torture, Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Villain!Mary, Suicidal Ideations, Main Character Death, Sherlock POV, Eventual Happy Ending) – "For a second, I allow myself to remember teaching John how to waltz. There is a special room in my mind palace for it. A big one, with a proper parquet dance floor. For a second, I go there. I remember holding him, closer than the World Dance Council asks for, excusing it with the fact that we are training for a wedding, not for a competition. For a second, I feel his hand on mine again, smell his sweat, hear the song we used. For a second, I allow myself to love him deeply. For a second, only a second, that love reflects on my face." Fix-it for S3, starting at the end of TSoT. Evil Mary.

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

[starkerkeyz]

Keyz Personal Life/Health TMI

I called out of work because of my stomach and I’m very frustrated and can’t stop thinking About Things. So, I’m going to write out the whole sordid affair and maybe it’ll be cathartic? 

I’m going to add a cut but mobile users won’t be able to see it so just be aware this will cover from 2017-present and might be long.

Warnings: involves traumatic health issues, divorce, depression, food related health issues, and just generally goes way too personal about me. 

..........Divider for mobile users...........

To start off, I was married from 23-26 to the person I’d been monogamous with since I was 20. We met when I was 19 and they were 20 and got together within a few months.

In 2017 I (25) started throwing up. A lot. And it didn’t get better. I grew up healthy, no disabilities or chronic issues, hell I barely ever got sick, so this was abnormal. And a little weird. (And a little scary because my uncle died of cancer when I was 18, so I was thinking about that in the back of my head).

But I was 25 and nothing bad happens to young people.

So I put it off, didn’t go, drank lots of water, and generally lived in denial for weeks. It got so bad I started sleeping on the couch, because sleeping on my back or side caused acid re-flux. I started throwing up more and more each day. 5-6 times a day. Undigested food, from deep within my guts. I got so familiar with the pain of my my internal organs contracting to push the food up, I could almost track where it was in my intestines. It felt like everything below my belly button was a tube of toothpaste being squeezed up towards my throat. The back of my throat always burned. 

I got so weak and tired from not being able to eat that I couldn’t handle my job, and quit over the phone, crying. 

I got weaker.

Without a purpose and with only the pain I’d sit up in my corner of the couch and watch the wall. For hours. Sometimes I thought I would die there. Sometimes I thought I’d die in the bathroom, head hanging over the toilet. Sometimes I laughed at the idea of being strong enough to make it to the bathroom to die.

When I finally did go to a Dr, they said I was overweight and my stomach was being pushed on by the fat. They gave me GERD pills. 

At this point, I was eating only a handful of baby carrots a day to stay hydrated and get *something* in me. Mostly got my nutrients from drinks.

The pills didn’t work.

I got weaker.

I can’t *not* try, though. I can’t actually stop and lay down and die. I will die fighting. And I thought I would.

So I researched my symptoms on my own, narrowed it down to a severe intestinal blockage, and put myself on a liquid diet of bone broth and Gatorade for a week.

I don’t remember that week.

Then came the enema, which made me cry. I was so tired. There was nothing in me to expel. Until, at 3am after I’d given up, a sharp, searing pain woke me up and I went to the bathroom for yet another painful round. Something came out! but I was so tired and out of it I didn’t look closely; looking back, I think it was whatever had been plugging me up. 

All through this, my spouse had been trying to be encouraging and supportive. A sickness like this is difficult for both parties. I’m also a fighter, and I don’t mean that I like to hit people, but I mean, my default setting when you get down to my bones of ‘fight or flight?’ I will ALWAYS pick fight. 

So when a fighter gets weak, they get nasty. I’m ashamed. I was so mean. I lashed out verbally so much. I was in so much pain and fear and depression that I couldn’t see them helping me (or recognize where they truly failed me vs where my panicked brain thought they had) or how stressed they were getting, watching me die on the couch in my corner.

We fought. About everything a couple can fight about. We weren’t fighting about the issue, we were fighting because I needed a caregiver with backbone and they were too submissive to stand up to me. (We were not D/s just fyi but I definitely was the decision maker. They broke down under the pressure of running the household and taking care of an emotionally unstable depressed wife)

It culminated in a fight so bad I slammed a plate down on the counter and broke it. I didn’t mean to break the plate, but there it was, broken. And there my palms were, bleeding. And there I was, crying over the sink, telling my spouse I wasn’t getting better and that I was scared.

They talked me down from seeing a therapist or dr. No money for it. Washed the blood off. They’d help me. They loved me. They’d be there for me. 

They kicked me out after a bad fight a month later, and texted me on my birthday asking for a divorce while I was out with my mom.

So I moved in with my mom because what else do you do when you’re depressed, can barely eat (at this point I was back on solids though! recovery started) and have no job and no home?

I became so depressed my mom made lists for me that included ‘read a chapter of the book’ or ‘take a shower’ just so I’d do more than just sit on the corner of HER couch and wait to die. 

She made me see a dr, get on anti depressants, and talk about therapy options (better to wait until you’re employed for insurance). She came with me to the appointments. Before we went in, she’d ask me to recite what we needed to go over so I knew and she could remind me. 

And ever since then, I’ve been working on recovery.

Got a job 3-4 weeks after moving in and being on the anti-depressants! 

Then moved out of my mom’s in October 2018!

Found Starker fandom and my og bestie, Cagey, around March or April of 2019? (Dates may be off)

Good times! 🥰 Good people! 🥰 Feeling better about myself and life in general! 🥰🥰🥰

But I still occasionally get these ‘flare ups’. Where my stomach gets hot, I’ll break out into a sweat, my right side hurts, and I throw up. It’s not the same throwing up as before though; it isn’t the deep, uncomfortable toothpaste tube squeezing, but like the muscles ABOVE my belly button lock up and force bile up? And of course if I’ve recently eaten, food comes up too.

I’ve had bloodwork done, I’ve had an ultrasound for gallstones, and now spoken to a GI specialist. He’s thinking pinched nerve somehow, but wants a cat scan to make sure. (I have like 3-4 drs to call to set this stuff up ugh)

So I’m not worried that this sickness is That Sickness. But I’m still so upset because even though 2017 was so far away and i’m so much better now (I’m writing! I’m eating! I’m living!) every time I have a flare up, there’s this emotional gauntlet of ALL OF THE ABOVE running in the background upsetting me. 

But, writing it all down like this did help. I realize how far I’ve come in just 3 years and I’m so glad. Recovery is long, and hard, and messy, no matter what you’re recovering from and I hope everyone out there living through their version of it has someone to help them like I did.

Stay safe out there everyone. I love you💕

[lokilickedme]

Because things have been odd lately...

I know some people aren’t understanding my behavior in the last week or so.  I know I’ve been “off”.  I know I’ve been less interactive.  I know some people have taken silence and lack of response on my part as something personal against them.

It’s not.

I’m going to tell you something.  If you clicked and continued reading, then you care enough for this to matter, or you’re curious, or bored and looking for someone else’s drama to entertain you.  It’s fine, I’m the same way.

But this is important, to me at least.

For the first time in my entire life I said five words that I never thought I would hear myself say, out loud, in my kitchen, in front of another human being.  Granted, it was in the middle of some of the worst pain I’ve ever had, at the peak of one of the most stressful weeks I’ve had in ages.  But I still said it, and I can’t stop thinking about it now.

Just five words.  Five words I’ve never even said inside my head, much less out loud.

I wish I was dead.

A lot of you don’t know me apart from what I share with you online.  Fandom stuff.  Writing.  Funny stories about my kids and pictures of whatever.  But those of you that have gotten to know me a little bit beyond those things know that this, those five words up there, that isn’t me.  Those words are not something you would ever hear me say, or even hint at.  I’m not depressive.  I don’t have suicidal thoughts or ideations, I never have.  And I still don’t.  But nothing stopped those words coming out of my mouth, no safe barrier flew up to prevent my tongue forming them, and now I can’t unhear them.

I don’t think I meant it.  I know I didn’t.  I think the wording of it is important - I didn’t say I want to die.  I said I wish I was.  I’m sure it had everything to do with the pain and the final frazzled unraveling of my nerves, because I’d felt for three days at that point like I was about to go full blown into a nervous breakdown.  But when they hit my ears carried by my own voice, there was no stab of nervous panic at hearing them.  Just sort of...

I don’t even know.  I’m not going to go too far down that road, because I don’t think it ends anyplace I want to be.

This is where it starts, I think, at least the recent part of it.  I’m not going to go back further to the obvious roots of an entire life of twisted bullshit because I’m actually dealing with that a lot better than this.  And a lot of this likely won’t make sense to a lot of you - I’m sorry.  Read on if you wish...if not, no hard feelings.

Most of you know a little bit about my oldest son, the one we call Big.  You probably know him best as my witty smart longsuffering angel who copes on a daily basis with his trialsome frootloop of a younger brother.  Some of you also know he has some struggles and that he’s come so far and done so much.  You all know how proud I am of him.  He’s my first, the one I nearly had to let go of before I ever knew him, the one I almost had to let go of myself for.  He’s the one I’ve tried to carry to the far side of hell so he can step safely through the door onto cooler ground while my own feet are on fire.

I’m afraid I’m losing him.  He has made profound, astounding leaps of development this year.  But something has happened, and I don’t know what or why.

He’s suddenly regressing in some ways.  He’s losing his ability to maintain eye contact, something that’s common for children with his wiring differences but that he’s never had a problem with until now.  He repeats himself constantly now.  Sometimes it’s nonsense, though I know it makes sense to him somehow.  I can give him the same answer to a question or the same reply to a comment ten times in an hour.  Sometimes more.

He wanders off on flights of fancy, telling himself stories that he sometimes shares with me, about people he knows and places he goes.  People and places he’s created for himself.  He’s always known they exist in a separate world, but lately he’s been introducing them to us as if the worlds no longer have walls around them.  And he actively fears some of them.

He drew a face and handed it to me yesterday.

That’s him, he said.  And then he told me he loved me, and that he would do his best to protect me from him.  I don’t know who him is.

This year he started to master physical contact, which is a big thing for him.  He’s always been loving but never physically affectionate.  Never hugged or kissed people, not even me.  His hands have always been kept away from everyone, his physical self kept carefully apart from a world full of bodies he distanced himself from without a second thought.

Several months ago he decided he wanted to learn how to hug, so we worked on it.  He got good at it.  He was understanding the rules of it, determining appropriateness of timing and recipient, various reasons for extending or offering physical touch.  The science of it, which was the only way he could understand it.  And he got to where he enjoyed it and it didn’t causes him distress or discomfort.  He even lost the awkwardness.  It was no longer like hugging an automaton...it felt like hugging a child.

And now suddenly he just holds on.  Won’t let go.  It’s like he’s afraid to move away, to sever the connection.  It’s no longer just a curious desire to feel contact with another human being, to overcome a facet of “otherness” that he’d noticed in himself.  Now it’s like a fear of the space between us.  He doesn’t want to let go.

As I write this he’s sitting on the floor in front of me, not interacting, just being close.  He isn’t looking at me.  I don’t know where he is...he’s somewhere else, but he’s making an effort, a desperate one it feels like, to stay near me.  But it feels like every day he goes further and further down a road I can’t see, and from time to time he’ll look back over his shoulder and remember that this is where he needs to be...but he keeps walking.

I’m scared for him.  When I speak to him now, his eyes nervously dart to other places.  Faces have begun to disquiet him.  He flinches at noises that he’d gotten used to.  He tries to maintain eye contact, he realizes what he’s doing and pulls his eyes back to my face, but they dart off again quickly to some empty space beside me.

He goes into his other places more often.

He’s losing his ability to connect.

I don’t want him to disappear into some other world where I can’t follow him.  But I don’t know how to pull him back to the safety of this one.

I don’t even know if this is the safe one.

I’m not the best person to help him right now.  I’ve been cranky.  I’ve been having chronic migraines for weeks.  I haven’t been easy to get along with.  I’m trying, but sometimes it feels like all my physical, mental, emotional energy goes to everyone else and leaves nothing for me.  My argument with myself is that I’m the mother, it’s supposed to be like this.  But I feel like I’m dying sometimes.

More so lately.

I lost a baby recently.  Very recently.  I didn’t tell anyone because I knew from the start something wasn’t right and there would never be any good news to announce.  My hCG levels stopped rising and never went any further.  I’ve been sick from that - physically a little, emotionally a lot - and haven’t wanted to deal with anyone or anything.  Just working with Big, trying to hold onto him somehow.  Trying to keep Little under control, which is...an undertaking of such astronomical proportions that I don’t even know where to start.  He has issues of his own and I haven’t been a very effective parent for him lately.  He’s frustrated, I’m frustrated.  We’re all frustrated with each other.

I’ve been dealing with some fairly huge internalized trauma from other things as well, in recent days.  Things from the past that I never realized were tearing me up until I took steps to distance myself from them.  I won’t go into it here, right now.  You’ve seen random posts from me about it, and you’ve seen me go off on people for not understanding.  You’ll probably see more of it.  I’m just beginning to realize how bad things were.  I don’t know yet how to deal productively with any of it.

I’ll figure it out.

I don’t need someone to solve my problems.  I vent to soothe my nerves and no other reason.  It’s how I deal with whatever shit is eating me.  Please don’t feel the need to help me or try to fix anything, or even feel obligated to offer sympathy - god please don’t, because that’s not what it’s for.  If you see a rant from me it simply means I’ve hit a point where I will explode if I don’t put words to my feelings.  This is the only safe place I can do it.

Also please know that if you do say something kind to me in those moments and I don’t say anything back to you, it’s nothing you should take personally.  I love you.  I just can’t tell you that I do.

If I go quiet for days, don’t take that shit personal.  It’s nothing to do with you.

If you say something that triggers me and I get rude with you, don’t take that shit personal either.  I’m weak these days.  My whole life has been about controlling myself and my every response to everything, tiptoeing around every other human being on the planet with the enforced belief that literally everyone’s feelings are more important than my own.  That I’m not valid as an individual, that only my usefulness to other people is important.  And I’m finally done with all that.

But I don’t know how to do it right.  I’m a fucking child as far as allowing myself to react to things.  I’m having a really rough time right now and I’m getting myself through it however I can figure out.  Ignore me if you must.  Just don’t take it personal, because none of it is about you.

I’ve found some things that help me cope and make me feel better.  I’ve been keeping them separate from my main blog because I know most of you are here for one type of fandom content, and my other interests aren’t it.  But I’ve just realized...this is my blog, and I’ve spent my whole life hiding things I loved because other people didn’t like them or didn’t approve.

Not here, not anymore.  Not so much in my personal life anymore, either.  If I like it I will say so and I will share it because it makes me happy.  I’ll do art and writing for other fandoms in addition to the one you originally followed me for.  You know you’re free to share in it with me or not, I don’t have to explain that.  I’ve had my share of people claiming they would read anything I write no matter what it is, only to have them vanish the second I start writing something outside their preferred fandom.  It’s happened more often than I care to mention, but there it is.  And that’s their right and choice, I respect that.  But it’s not going to stop me from writing what I want to write.  Not anymore.

I write because I need to.  For me.  I share it with the rest of you.  People have come at me recently in the comments section at AO3 expressing their dislike over various things, and I’ve responded politely with as much accommodation as I can muster.  I think I’ve allowed a lot of reader entitlement concerning my work over the past five years, changing things to suit people even if it didn’t suit the story, simply because they barked at me about something they didn’t agree with.

I won’t be doing that anymore.  Because if you’ve read this far, you’ve likely realized at least one thing - 

Pretty much everything I write is based in some way on my own reality.

It hasn’t always been pretty.  And things get really rough sometimes or veer way off down a twisted road before they get resolved, just like life tends to do.  I don’t write a lot of easy fluff these days.  It’s your right to read it or not, but I do ask that you respect my right to write what I choose, because it’s my coping mechanism, and sometimes I have a lot to cope with.  And I do that by turning real life bullshit into something entertaining, because the best thing you can do with monsters is put a goofy hat on them so they can’t scare you anymore.

At any rate, this is a not so quick synopsis of why I haven’t been particularly fun in recent days.  I try, but it gets on top of me.  I’ve felt ignored, shunned, overlooked.  I realize that is sometimes my default assumption, that I’ve worn out my welcome and no one cares anymore.  I also realize that sometimes it’s just that other people have their own shit to deal with and they probably haven’t even noticed I was gone.  But I came back after a few days of silence to some hurtful shit that I know was done with intent, and I’m trying really hard to overlook that.

One of my few redeeming qualities though, I think, is that I bounce back fairly quick...so give me a few days, a couple of weeks, whatever, to get my bent up self back into shape.  I’m handling more than I can handle at the moment in my life outside of here, and I can’t hand it over to anyone else for even a minute.  I’m doing my best.  I’m not okay right now.

I will be, but I’m not going to rush it.

Nothing good survives being rushed.

[bandeusi-usneunda]

change, before it happens again.

I rember somehow stumbling across a video a couple years back about korean actress Jang Jayeon and how she allegedly killed herself it was in a complialtion video, many other korean celebrities that had passed away from chronic illness or tragic events were in it too. I rember the terrifying jolt I felt reading the word "suicide" in my phone screen and reading the brief description of her story. It was so unbelievably sad and heartbreaking to me how she hid all her pain and was being abused behind closed doors. I saw that video maybe four or five years ago.

I was introduced to the south korean boy group SHINee roughly 7 years ago when I was in fourth grade, about 9 years old. After I got over the initial culture shock I feel in love with them, their mesmerizing dances, melodic voices and exciting concepts. I feel in love with them as people and come to appreciate them more and more every day. I love them still it's strange, ive never met them? yet I feel like I know them to some extent. They easily became the highlight of my day. I watched every show I could could find with them in it, I remeber watching so many grainy videos from their debut era, not caring about the quality because I was so absorbed.

So on the morning of December 18th, 2017 on my bus ride to school, I midlessly scrolled through my phone as I did every day. I remember pulling down my notification bar on my phone and seeing "Breaking: SHINee's Jonghyun.." I couldn't see the rest of the words but somehow I just knew. I just knew when I pressed on it what had happened. I opened the article anyway and read the title over and over. I broke out sobbing and showed the screen of my phone to my sister who is the one who introduced me to the group, her reaction mirrored my own. I couldn't contain myself I cried all day, I tried to rationalize that I didn't even really know him, that it shouldn't be tearing me apart like this. That night I cried the hardest I had in my entire life, my head ached for hours through the tears. The sadness and feeling of regret, though I couldn't have known or stopped it from happening ate me away for months. Sometimes things would be okay but it would just hit me harder later. These days I think he's doing well wherever he is and that he's finally getting the life he deserves. Sometimes when I see pictures of him He almost looks unfamiliar and it breaks my heart. When I look at old videos of him I see a boy with a dream, a son, a brother a friend who never got to live the life on earth they deserved. I rember trying to tell myself that it would have been the same if he wasn't a celebrity' that maybe he was destined to go in that way but its not true. He felt pressure, he saw the comments, he felt the criticism and he did not feel like he could escape. He gave the world his heavenly talent and he got his life taken in return. I still think about him most days, the pain isn't as intense, but it will always linger. I can only imagine what his family and his brothers feel, his closest friends. So desperately I thought that people needed to change that "knetz" and haters needed to stop spewing disgusting hate on people they did not even know, people they just hated to hate.

A few days ago I saw the article that Sulli had passed away from a suspected suicide. She had always been a "wild" one I used to think. But wild in the western society I live in and "wild" in a relatively conservative society like South Korea are very different. As more articles came out and I found out more about the recent events that likely caused her to end her life I just wanted to scream out to the world "don't you know you're killing people? The stupid words you type thoughtlessly are killing people!" You can argue whatever you want but its disgusting and not Sulli or Jonghyun's fault for leaving this cruel culture.

Why is it that two individuals who challenge South Korea's societal and celebrity norms now no longer walk on this earth? Why do these beautiful people have to go so soon? They're so many "what ifs" and "i wish"s to say.

Korean people have said themselves that as a general populations Koreans are too quick to criticize those things that don't match their ideals. Mental health is still a difficult topic, but it shouldn't be. How much longer, how many more have to go before we humans living and breathing right now typing comments on our phones, realize that our words have weight? I won't say im innocent and that I have never typed a mean comment or criticized someone for something trivial, but its time to change its time to "grow" up and become responsible for our words. No more hiding behind little screens.

It isn't just celebrities you love, its your classmate, your friend, your sibling, your partner, anyone could be feeling like they could crack at any second because the world seems turned agaisnt them and the only option to feel better is to stop feeling. Stop ignoring it, don't let someone else die before you change the way you think.

Celebrities are people, whether you may think someones "weak" for being affected by hundreds of comments on the daily criticizing and saying the most malicious and disgusting things to them, you need to realize that not everyone is you and that you need to put yourself in someone else's shoes to know how they feel. Words hurt more than some people can possibly imagine.

My heart hurts for the friends of these two beautiful people, that have to carry on with their heads held high acting like they're okay. Acting like two of the closest people in their lives haven't been ripped away because of a society and a world lacking empathy. I pray to whoever is out them to help them and to change this revolting world.

These people's dreams are dead but luckily the memory of them remains.

please make a change, dont wait.

[murdermayhemfindingfaith]

Life Seasons and Reflective Perspective

Let me tell you, this blog post has been written, edited and rewritten about a dozen times in the past week or so. I wanted to go one way with it… changed me mind…another way… changed my mind yet again and so on.

Recovery can happen. It might take a few backward slides and even more mountain climbs but it’s possible for anyone. July 17, 2019, marked nine months sober. I’m seriously so excited, proud and humbled. Total honesty, willingness to learn and grow, personal reflection as well as ownership has been a huge part of my recovery process. It is for anyone, some just go about it different.

I’ve heard so many folks comment on which program they’re working, or how they’ve done it all on their own and so on. Whatever program or method you use… If it works for you… do it. Personally, I work more than one program so to say but the similarities and basic foundation is the same with each. It’s working… don’t have to fix what’s not broken right…

When I reflect on my support team, I thought the above picture was an awesome representation of them. Not only the tree in all it’s complexity (including shape) but the surrounding field as well. I could lay out exactly how I see each part, if the photo “speaks” to your soul, there really is no need.

Whether you’ve followed my blog from the beginning, middle or just started recently, you’ve probably realized my personal recovery journeys through mental illness, chronic pain, addiction have been a bit of a roller coaster ride. There have been lots of twists, turns, extreme highs spots and equally extreme low dips. Frankly, that’s a life journey for everyone, no matter what “ISSUES” they deal with.

I’ve been sitting here thinking of all the time and money spent on doctor appointments, then the frustrations of fighting with insurance, brain drain, total body exploding pain, overwhelming fatigue, retraced steps searching for a missed detail and wacked out emotions the last month and a half has brought. I’ve questioned myself, my patience, my purpose and my worth. Along with those I’ve questioned the plan God has in motion and the future He has in mind for me to fulfill. Does that make me strange? The simple answer would be no, it makes me normal. If you know me in real life that is quite funny on several levels. I’m actually quite odd in many ways, but hey…that’s what makes me … well, me.

“Everything is a season, it will pass”. I’ve said it many times, I’ve also heard it spoken to me many times. It’s heavy in my thoughts as well as my heart today ( most days actually, since I’ve been off work). I do believe this statement fully, the challenging part is walking within those seasons for the entirety as we physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially keep things in check. “Pray… Suck it up…Just Relax…Take Care of You…Apply for benefits, your a candidate for sure…” are just some of the many things I’ve been advised as I face these growing challenges with my health. While everything I’ve been told in some way, shape, or form is good advice the decision really does rest with me. For argument purposes all the things I’ve heard will be applied somehow.

I spent a couple hours last night with probably over 100 people. I listened as some introduced themselves and spoke briefly. Everyone had a different story to tell, but each one shared experience, strength and hope with others in that room. Myself included. I stumbled over my words, sat back down and thought of everything I was meant say and didn’t. It’s okay though. I write my thoughts better than voicing them anyway. This isn’t a new thing by any means, and God willing… I’ll continue to.

As I check the “little junk” off my list today and break the “bigger junk” into parts that I can manage, the phrase, One Day at a Time, One Step at a Time, One Prayer at a Time, repeats silently in the back of my mind. Life’s Seasons will come whether I’m ready or not, reflective perspective allows me to apply the lessons I’ve already learned from those past seasons and dress accordingly to walk through the current one… no matter how long it takes. As I do this… As you do this… Remember, sometimes we walk alone. Sometimes we ask others to join us on the walk, and sometimes we are meant to join someone else in their walk. No matter what the case is keep in mind the destination is always forward even if it doesn’t feel that way.

Sending hugs, prayers and maybe even a kick to the rear (hey, some people need it) to you today.

Blessings To All

[punk-rock-pixie]

1-85

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I mean, I won’t lie and say it gives some personal points, but like I won’t date you if you’re a douche, no matter if you look good or not. 

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

I mean, you don’t NEED to be in one, but it is nice to have someone care for you

3. Are you a virgin?

yup

4. Are you in a relationship?

I am yes

5. Are you in love?

I think?

6. Are you single this year?

Well for like the first month I was

7. Can you commit to one person?

Yeah. Even if I’m polyamorous, I won’t act on it if they’re not cool with it

8. Describe your crush

They love birds and also is a witch. We love a lotta the same stuff.

9. Describe your perfect mate

A storyteller, share at least a few interests. Someone I could talk non-stop to or just become a total tree stump. They understand to a good extent how I work and put the same effort in that I do. On the superficial side, I’m partial to the more butch/masc presenting people and possibly taller. 

That being said the person I am dating is actually a few inches shorter than me lmao

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not really, but I feel like there can be a connection, but love takes time.

11. Do you ever want to get married?

I dunno. I haven’t given it much thought.

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

Depends on the extent????

13. Do you get jealous easily?

I’m kinda jealous, but idk

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

I mean,,,,, yeah???

15. Do you have any piercings?

Just my ears

16. Do you have any tattoos?

Nope

17. Do you like kissing in public?

Only like small pecks. I’m not much on PDA more than like hugging or hand-holding

20. Do you shower every day?

every other day

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I should hope they do????

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Maybe

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I mean, duh?

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

No

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

I’m happy with it yeah.

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

Not that I know of???

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

YUP. THEY MANAGED 5 PEOPLE IN THE ONE MONTH OF DATING

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

No

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

I wanna make myself look more masc

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Oh yeah. I’m not someone to cry a lot but like?? I’ve had my days

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

mhm

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

HHHH

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

BUDDY

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Most people I’ve kissed are older than me

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yup. Ended poorly

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Yup

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yeah. 

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yeah

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

No

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

Didn’t I say I was a virgin literally in the first few questions

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

Depends on the mood I guess

43. How long was your longest relationship?

6 months and they left me for someone else

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

6???

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

I didn’t have my first kiss until 2014

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

BOI

47. How old are you?

Old enough to have chronic back pain and complain about technology apparently.

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I mean I’m sad, but like…. I’m not gonna try to manipulate them?

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

They understand my emotions and are wildly compassionate. NOT TO MENTION HOW TALENTED THEY ARE AT MAKEUP AND UKULELE?

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

Maybe, but I wouldn’t really let them back into my life?

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

I don’t think I’d do EVERYTHING for someone, but there is someone I’d do a lot for. 

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

Some friends I dropped recently. We brought out the worst in one another, and I felt like it was time to leave and try to put more energy into other people. I don’t think the friendship was a waste of time at all. We just grew into very different people and did more fighting than being friends, and I wasn’t gonna stay in a friendship like that. 

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

So far they haven’t voiced it so??? I don’t think so?

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Absolutely

55. Share a relationship story.

We were in a long distance thing a few years back. We started off as friends and I realized I had feelings, but we waited until the con we met at to make things official. As I was leaving he asked if he could write something about me and he wrote a full 8 pages. Additionally, at our next con, I was super sick (we didn’t know until later I had mono) and almost fainted. He stayed with me the whole time, and, even though I told him it was possible I had mono, he risked it and still kissed me. 

I don’t blame him for not having feelings for me after that. I think we rushed in and were caught up in the obsession, which lasts about 4 months. I was sure of my emotions, and he wasn’t. It’s ok. We knew what we were getting ourselves into to an extent. We’re still distant friends, I think? No hard feelings.

56. State 8 facts about your body

1. I hate it

2. It manages to put away food like it is no one’s business

3. I can wiggle my ears

4. I am very lactose intolerant and get bad stomach aches, but don’t care

5. I can crack my wrist on command

6. Somehow I can get 3 hours of sleep and still function

7. He a tired man

8. My hair and nails grow fucking fast

57. Things you want to say to an ex

Wherever you are, hope you’re doin okay. Sorry things didn’t work out

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

1. Common grounds of interests/morals

2. Be ok with my mood swings and fickleness when it comes to affection

3. Being a storyteller. I love creativity so much?

4. Passion. Someone who is passionate about something (IE hobbies, special interests, etc) is just??? really attractive????

5. I have a thing for people taller than me? Idk

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

Check my “pixie pics” tag (and maybe like or reblog lmaooo)

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

a year and a half???

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Usually eyes and their hair

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Being creative and make a project like inspired by me I guess? Idk. Do something unusual. Of course, I am all for cliche, but like being unusual is really cool.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Consensual stimulation of sex organs? Idk

64. What is your definition of cheating?

Being with someone without you’re partner’s/partners’ knowledge and consent

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

WHat?

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

Fuckin long-ass paragraphs STORYTELLING

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Like I said, I love the cliche. Take me to a museum or the park, but even like staying home (If we’ve been seeing one another for a while) and hanging out is cool too. If it’s a first date, something where we can get to talk and know one another

68. What is your sexual orientation?

Probably on the ace spectrum. As for romantic pref?? FLUID AS FUUUUCK

69. What turns you off?

Being rude???

70. What turns you on?

CREATIVITY MAN. IT IS GREAT

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

Fuckin???? I don’t remember my dreams sometimes. Most of them are pretty tame

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

BUDDY NEVER HAD SEX

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Writing a poem or song is super cute??? Or like when I’m feeling as depressed as I am now, just showing up to my house and kidnapping me for a bit for like a trip to the beach? (Shoutout to my friend Cici who has been a big help all weekend and did just that today??)

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

Being taller than me and also eye color/hair idk. 

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Refer to 73 where my friend Cici came to my house today WITH ROSES AND FOOD and drove me to the beach and treated me to a few hours of escapism and dinner. She’s a real one. She as well as my sister and my s/o have been helping me through this terrible month. 

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I stayed up all night with someone to help them through a tough time

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

If you’re under 18 be careful. If you’re over 18 as two consenting adults, you’re pretty much fine. If you’re a pedophile, fuck right off, mate.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think I literally ate dirt as a child???

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

A lotta my friends are getting signed on for top surgery and possible HRT, and like, I am very happy for them, and also I feel like garbage because this is something I’ve wanted for YEARS

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

I told my sister today

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

Pj Liguori, Ethan Nestor, Chris Evans, Hugh Jackman, and Amy Nelson

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

My sister

83. Who was your first kiss with?

Someone I was friends with a while ago at my first Fanime. My first real kiss was with my ex girlfriend

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

He sexually harassed his other boyfriend (I was friends with this other guy and we almost saw one another after we broke up with our ex fun fact)

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

Yeah probably

[lightspren]

Year End 2017 Wrap Up

I’m gonna be straight up honest with y’all, I almost didn’t do one of these for this year because this year has sucked horrifically and I just didn’t see a fucking point. But I’ve done one every year for like, at least four years now, and it’s tradition, and I for some reason feel it’s important, so by damn I’m gonna look back on my text posts from the year and my memories of what I was doing and see what happened this past year.

Jan 2017 - Was beginning my last ever semester of undergrad this month. At this point I still thought I’d be going to grad school hahahah so much can fucking change in a few months. Started my AC sideblog so that’s cool. and even this far back (: we still see me struggling with debilitating pain (: which has been a trend ever since I’ve been doing these year summaries I think, is seeing how bad my pain was throughout the year. jfc. looks like I was struggling with some depression symptoms here too, go fucking figure. I had an interview for grad school too and we know how badly that went…

Feb - Here’s where I decided I thought i might be on the autism spectrum. I now think I was wrong on that self dx, but you know, journeys of self discovery are important and all that. but here’s lots more pain and tired and “brain not working” which was lots of depression symptoms I believe, sigh I let that get bad for a while there. Oh and then I learned I didn’t get into that grad school I got the interview for.  so yeah that was Feb in a nutshell l o l

Mar - Breath of the Wild came out this month and dominated my life for a month or two, I still love this game very much and it’ll always hold a special place in my heart, ti’s just so good and sweet and lovely. I still haven’t even really beat it LOL and I need to but. still. that’s never been the most important part of Zelda games to me. OOO THO I had beginnings of existential crises this month!! cause I was getting so bogged down in my thesis research and didn’t know if research was what I wanted to do forever and ever anymore!! isn’t that fun!! (it was not fun). but the rest of this month seems like. a whole lot of bitching about pain. paaaain pain pain. like holy jesus bitching about pain. maybe if I printed off all these posts and gave them to my doctors they’d believe I have a problem LOL.

Apr - So I had shitty dr appointments that further hurt my chronic illness identity, and then other Ongoing Identity Crisis because of not getting into grad school and wanting a job in which I could help people. this is the month I in earnest started applying for jobs; research tech jobs mostly, but some adjacent jobs too (don’t remember what exactly). I didn’t branch out very far at this point though cause I was still McFuckin Terrified. and then I realized that I didn’t want to leave hundreds of miles away for work, cause as much as a lot of the culture of southern Appalachia can suck sometimes, it’s still home, /my/ home, and I don’t want to abandon it. I know I freaked out a lot about getting my thesis done and presented this month too bc I was soooOooOOoO unmotivated to do that shit LOL like. whew. did not want to, did not care any longer, but still had to do it.

May - GOT MY FIRST EVER TICKET LOL THAT FUCKING SUCKED SO BAD. sigh. otherwise I was mostly vague as SHIT with stuff this month. I know I graduated, didn’t walk though cause I could not give less of a fuck at that point. I applied for every job I could find that I remotely qualified for that was close enough I was willing to move to. I even had a Skype interview for one, either this month or in April. it fell through, of course.

Jun - One of my very first June posts is “who the fuck am I/how do I become who I want to be” LOL so that identity crisis was still rip roaring obvs. then that time when I tried to explain disability stigma to one of my previous (cishet white male) bosses. Had another phone interview this month for another job I didn’t get lmfao. Pretty sure this is the month where I started applying for mental health case management jobs, like a bunch of them, at different locations all in the company I’m currently in.

July - So I think it must have been around the beginning of this month that I had my first in person interview? I bombed that one hardcore. didn’t stop another location from interviewing me though, and I got a second interview with them, which I then proceeded to fail because I had no prior experience. It was brutal LOL. and the new person started at my old job, and I had to start training her, and that whole situation was just awkward and weird and Undesirable. to the maaax. it was this whole ordeal too where they’d scheduled my last day to be the 28th of July, so that’s what I was planning on and like, focused on… but then it turned out my coworker got national guard orders and had to be gone two months, so instead of having newbie there by herself, they were like (to me) “hey… just wanna… chill for two months longer or until you find a job…” which was admittedly hella cool of them.

Aug - Lots of blogging about pain, lots of general vagueblogging. I did announce publicly on tumblr that I’m intending to convert to Judaism so that’s still cool, and still a thing, even if life has been repeatedly crotch-punching me so I haven’t been able to make much actual progress on it. but then, I had the interview for my current job. that i somehow passed with flying colors. And my asthma started getting worse, and I started getting soooooo so done with my old IT job, but I /got my new job/. ALSO THIS MONTH WE GOT RADS MY SWEET NEW BABY so now our family is made of me, my husband, and two kitties.

Sept - September. Oh, September. started out so innocently, with starting orientation for my new job. I was all starry eyed and hopeful for the new job because I thought that it was a perfect home for me. then I got there. started doing things. realized that I was terrified of trying to meet my new coworkers and learn their dynamics. realized I was terrified of trying to meet my new supervisors/superiors and learn their expectations. realized that in general I just didn’t know the culture of the place at all and that fucking /terrified/ me. and then the job itself, the job itself was something I’d never done before, had no experience in /whatsoever/, had no FUCKING clue what I was doing. I was a fish out of water with no bloody idea where I was going, and hoooboy. I almost quit by the end of September, I truly did.

Oct - tw: miscarriage at end of month I started therapy for my anxiety!!! yay!!!! I had a lot of adapting to work in this time too that I didn’t really talk much about on tumblr too I think. I mean I was learning a lot, I was meeting more of my clients, some even time. I was still terrified, especially of my other coworkers because I didn’t know them or understand them, but even at that, I was learning. [Stop reading if you need to avoid tw miscarriage and skip to Nov.] The other horrifically sucky thing to happen in Oct happened not to me, but to my sister. She’d found out a few months perviously that she was pregnant, at 37 years old. they’d just recently gotten all the genetic testings back and found out they were going to have a girl. unfortunately though, the baby stopped developing at 15w. my sister discovered this at what would’ve been 17w. she had to have surgery to remove the baby. she’s still recovering from this trauma, she’s heartbroken and just. very upset. I’m still upset for her too.

Nov - Last month I was doing ok I think. I was doing pretty well at work, kinda just coasting along but mostly getting the hang of things. Therapy had been helping I think; it’d been teaching me somethings, mostly only small differences but I think having someone to talk to had been helping frankly. Work was going well, and we’d decided to start looking for a house to /buy/ (realtor.com) but hadn’t hired a realtor yet. probably for the best. as it turns out now…

Dec - Fuck you, December. the good news is, my new job’s health insurance kicked in Dec. 1st. which is great, considering I got admitted to the hospital  Dec. 7th, a Thursday. the Monday prior I’d tried to pop a zit, no big deal. WRONG. it got infected. not just any old infection, though, oh no. FUCKING MRSA. so I got cellulitis in my face, my whole right side of my face swelled up three times the normal, I got MRSA/pneumonia in my lungs, I had MRSA in my bloodstream. when I came in the ER I had very low blood pressure and heartrate of 130, so I was septic. like. shit was going down. I stayed in the hospital 6 days, and they released me with a PICC line and having to do vancomycin (really strong IV antibiotic) twice a day via the line. I went back to work too early for two days, but saw my PCP on the third day and he put me off that again. /Then the chest pain started/. I assumed it was a side effect of the vancomycin, since back and chest spasms/pain are a listed side effect, but NO, apparently NOT, at least not to this DEGREE. The home health pharmacy, who I called to ask about it, called the on-call at my PCP, who advised to go to the ER to get checked for a “pulmonary embolism.” Doesn’t sound scary at aaaaaaaaaall. Get in ER, go through the whole terrifying ordeal, CT scan, x-ray, shit and shebang - what do you fucking know. I have a septic embolism. very rare. much wow. fuck me. so here I am, once again, in a fucking hospital room, tied up to IV antibiotics, at the end of Christmas day. At least they’re keeping the pain meds going now. Oh at one point my kidney function tried to drop, then it turned out I had a pleural effusion so they drained 550cc (half a liter) of fluid off my lungs (painful as fuck let me tell you). Ended up spedning 5 days total in the hospital, home now, but still in like. the same amount of pain as when I went in. Having to fight with so many things to get medicines sorted and shit. while feeling like shit too. everything is awesome.

So that’s it. 2017. That doesn’t even get into the way 2017 has sucked on a global, non-personal scale, that’s just how it’s sucked on a mostly-immediately-personal scale, and I’ve even left out some of the immediately personal ones I think. and that’s just the shit I remember LOL jesus christ. I really need to do an effigy burning of this year.

[theseadagiodays]

March 24, 2020 

Adagio - an exquisitely slow musical tempo. 

IE. Barber, Adagio; Albinoni, Adagio; Mozart, Clarinet Concerto in A - 2ndmovement; Rodrigo, Concierto de Aranjuez - 2ndmovement; Beethoven, Pathetique Sonata - 2ndmovement.

           As we adjust to different rhythms of being, and to this socially distant space that we now occupy, art seems to be a vital thread that continues to tether people to one another, through meaning-making and story.  Countless times, in these past days, I have been moved by instances of art bringing joy and solace as we navigate this unfamiliar territory together.  So, I want to use this space to share music, poetry, dance and more, offered virtually by artists all over the world in an effort to connect and soothe us through this experience.   

           I recognize that many of us, at this moment, are currently facing real loss, challenge and fear.  But I also believe this can be a time for great healing if we let it. Our busy lives have been yearning for slowness.  A new rhythm that can bring the fresh perspective that only space can provide.  A tempo perhaps best reflected by the exquisitely slow pace of an Adagio.

           Since being dramatically forced to alter my own rhythms, six years ago, when a chronic injury caused me to surrender my lifelong flute performance career, I began a relentless pursuit to find another expressive voice.  Subsequently, creative writing eventually enabled me to transform my pain into art.  And consequently, my now completed novel, What Lies Between, was born.  

           Here, I explore the “what ifs”of a character with a similar experience to mine, but who lacks some of the resiliencies that allowed me to eventually thrive again.  The cellist protagonist Adele suffers a neurological disease that, too, makes her unable to play any longer, and her razor-sharp mind becomes fractured. Subsequently, she develops early-onset memory-loss and finds herself in a care home at just 67.  However, when Curtis, a charming but wounded child prodigy, comes to play for her weekly, his intuitive gift causes her memories to flood back in startling waves, while her deep listening helps him deal with school bullies, and gives him keys to unlock his mother’s deep sorrows.  

           Only recently have I finally mustered the courage to begin seeking publication for this work.  And early responses have been surprisingly encouraging.  This is why I finally feel brave enough to share even the briefest passage publicly. Before now, not even my husband has read a word.  However, I now feel that Adele’s story is more resonant than ever, with all of us relating to the experience of having to live without certain passions, and of being confined to a limited space.  So, here is the excerpt I’d like to share.

           Adagios soar with sadness.  Samuel Barber knew this when he set the middle movement of his String Quartet to this most melancholy of tempos.  Humans yearn for melancholy, for recollected heartbreak.  But sometimes the edges of what has been lost are fuzzy. A reminiscence of something essential that is missing yet not precisely identifiable.  A state so profoundly understood by the Portugese they created a word for it.  Saudade.

           There had been more than a year, before she gave up listening to music altogether, when she could bear no other music but Barber’s Adagio. Its soulful longing, its unhurried, aspirant rising tones.  Anything else seemed too cognitively dissonant with her very being.  

           On her darkest days, there is a way in which Sudbury Willows serves her, an environment so closed and tuneless its power is too innocuous to invoke her pain.   But the boy has reminded her she is now stuck in a suspension of a different nature.  Since he left, Adele has laid her head to rest each night and wished for soothing Adagio dreams.  But somehow, every morning, she still wakes to the Largo monotony of her new reality.

           And now I will leave you with a musical postcard recorded by Yo-yo Ma, just last week, (#songsofcomfort), and a poem that, for me, captures the essence of this unique time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrBOkHfvNSY

My life is not this steeply sloping hour, in which you see me hurrying. Much stands behind me; I stand before it like a tree; I am only one of my many mouths, and at that, the one that will be still the soonest. I am the rest between two notes, which are somehow always in discord because (Fate’s) note wants to climb over— but in the dark interval, reconciled, they stay there trembling. And the song goes on, beautiful.

-      Rainer Maria Rilke, Selected Poetry

March 25, 2020 

Today I collaborated on an art project with a friend in Colombia.

Last night I read bedtime stories to my friend’s children (virtually).

Sunday I watched a duck catch a wave, and an ant move dirt for what felt like hours.

Saturday night we enjoyed the BC Ballet’s Romeo & Juliet, with a friend on FaceTime, complete with prosecco and ballgowns.

Friday I led 1000+ professionals through a guided mediation online.

So many opportunities to connect in new ways...

How might we fill this space?

Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Victor Frankl wrote, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

So, do you wanna dance?  DNice has been spinning tunes for hours-long virtual dance parties.  Even Michelle Obama and Bernie Sanders have joined in.  Stay posted on his Instagram page for future LIVE parties: https://www.instagram.com/dnice/

March 26, 2020

When I started this blog, I originally marked each date with a count of our days in self-isolation.  However, I’ve since deleted those markers, inspired by my childhood friend Nancy’s daughter, Maya, who sent me this wise reminder this morning.

As I attempt to infuse these adagio days with similar small moments of inspiration for those willing to follow this page, I do not want to discount the very real struggles that so many people face at this time.  I realize that I tend towards a need to uplift in difficult times.  (Perhaps I cannot help myself as the daughter of a former high school cheerleading and football captain).  But in doing so, I also never mean to seem tone deaf to genuine pain.  And I want to acknowledge that I also experience daily lows as I navigate our current reality. However, I have become aware of how useful these injections of positivity can be for me (whether from a friend’s text, Facebook post, or phone call).   So, I am  hopeful the same is true for you.

I am continually struck by humans’ need for connection.  And in my musical community, there have been so many beautiful efforts (if not also technologically sophisticated) to do this.  Janna Sailor is a Vancouver conductor with whom I’ve had the pleasure to collaborate.  In a nimble move, during only our first week of physical distancing, she managed to lead a group of Calgary Philharmonic and Edmonton Symphony musicians to collectively record this touching Zoom performance of Elgar’s Nimrod Variation #9.

https://www.facebook.com/donovan.seidle/videos/10103852773248345/UzpfSTUwMzA0NjgyMTozMDYwNjExMjk0OTk0MTQ6MTA6MDoxNTg1NzI0Mzk5OjY4Mjc2MTYxNjAwNTMyMzQwODU/

I must add, though, that not all efforts to foster remote musical collaborations have gone so elegantly.  And, because I could not possibly say it better, I’ll leave it to New York Times reviewer, Jon Caramanica, to best describe what went so terribly wrong when several celebrities tried to record their version of John Lennon’s Imagine, last week.  

“In this clusterclump of hyperfamous people with five seconds’ too much time on their hands, “Imagine” may have met its match. By the end, it has been pummeled and stabbed, disaggregated, stripped for parts and left for trash collection by the side of the highway. It is proof that even if no one meets up in person, horribleness can spread.”

For a good laugh, and at the risk of sounding like a classical music snob, here’s their eternally key-changing version of the song.  I dare you to sing along!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQK32bwvRuI

March 27, 2020

Apparently, when people have more time on their hands, a preponderance of puns emerge.  I have come across no shortage of quarantine-related word play, these days.  And here are just a few that have cropped up in my community.  

For those looking to meld their voices with others, tune in every Sunday, at 3 pm EST, for Choir Choir Toronto’s new virtual Sing-a-Long: Choirintine: https://www.facebook.com/events/2798475520243342/

But, if you’re more of a sit back and listen kind of person, Vancouver’s Locals Lounge will be hosting regular live-streamed concerts through their new series, Quarantunes: https://sidedooraccess.com/shows/TgDGz6rA6SKtjj4dbE86?fbclid=IwAR1Fih0oYqsOrhR-AlCygFBX6FBeIX3XXXiYxpxwzJzxnjJGP0-UI0C7Z-s

And finally, if all this screen time has you as exhausted like most of us, it’s probably time to turn off all your devices and help yourself to a good, stiff Quarantini, using any of one these new recipes: https://www.townandcountrymag.com/leisure/drinks/g31900654/quarantini-cocktail-recipes/

[fitselflove-blog]

2 Weeks In & Time for An Update

First things first...I give myself permission for this post to be imperfect, lacking, strange, unusual, odd, or otherwise dissatisfying! 

I’ve been putting this post off for a while, mostly because of my utter fear of how this message will be received. And also my fear of not being able to deliver the message the way I envision it within my own mind. But I feel as though I’m going to explode if I don’t write about it in some fashion, so here it goes!

You are most likely familiar with the old saying “You are what you eat.” Well, I’ve recently taken that very message to heart, quite seriously, and elevated it. Let me explain.

I am an empath. It’s taken me nearly my entire life to recognize this quality within myself, but it explains so much. It is second nature for me to be able to feel what another person is feeling and to imagine myself in their shoes. I take these feelings to heart, whether I want to or not. Often these feelings and realizations stay with me for my entire life. It is so deeply a part of me that I am often embarrassed. For example, I cry all the time. Sometimes out of happiness, sometimes out of frustration, and sometimes just because I am completely overwhelmed by intangible emotions that I really can’t identify or explain. It can happen while talking to a friend, while watching a movie, or in everyday life moments that most people find mundane but that for some reason I deeply connect with.

I’ve spent most of my life running from these emotions and connections and trying to shut them down. The more I tune in with them, the more I feel. 

But now that I’ve been learning a little more about what it truly means to be an empath, I have realized that it’s okay! Not everyone has this gift or understands what it means. And that too, is okay. I can’t spend any more time running from it. All I can do is better understand it and learn how to use it as a tool and a gift, instead of fearing it and trying to shut it down. I am learning how to channel it, how to de-charge (for lack of a better term), how to channel it and unplug from it for brief moments and then how to plug back in, in a healthy way. (More on this topic to come.)

So why am I telling you all of this? Well the whole point behind Fit Self Love is to document my own journey of self discovery and to give others the inspiration, hope, and courage to find themselves and begin or resume or deepen their own journeys. That means you! Yes, you, reading this right now!!!

PART TWO

After realizing that I am an empath I realized that I really needed to become vegan. I was vegetarian for many years until after my daughter was born. For a brief time I began eating meat again and then started phasing it back out after a few months. I wanted to become full vegetarian again, but I felt guilty. I felt that choosing a vegetarian lifestyle for myself made everything more difficult for those around me. 

Think holiday dinners, family get togethers, etc. If I was vegetarian, people felt obligated to go out of their way for me to make sure I had something to eat. And that made me feel like such an imposition. So I continued eating meat. Very rarely, but it was still a part of my diet. And every time I had to mentally disconnect as much as I could from what was on my plate.

About a year later I decided to go vegan for 30 days as a challenge. I picked a time of the year when I knew we wouldn’t be seeing family or be doing too many dinners and get-togethers with friends outside of our own home. I knew if I went out to eat it would be easy to modify the options. I was happy. 

The 30 day challenge was not the first attempt I’d ever made to be vegan. I’ve gone back and forth from vegetarian to vegan back to vegetarian and even to light meat eater many times. It’s a viscous cycle. One that I’ve never enjoyed. One that I felt obligated to entertain because it was somehow easier on everyone else. 

Fast forward to present day. I was struggling. I felt like I was drowning. I detested eating meat and even other animals products. I needed a break; a cleanse so to speak - a cleanse of the mind, body, and soul. So, I decided “It’s time for another 3 week vegan challenge!” People were supportive. They’d seen me do this before. They knew it was only temporary. I justified my actions by telling myself, “it’s only temporary. It won’t be an inconvenience to anyone.” 

Until something about this challenge struck a chord within me, that so deeply resonated with my entire being that I could not deny it. I felt a tremendous weight had been lifted. And that’s when I realized it.

What if being an empath affects more than just feeling others emotions. What if I feel the emotions of my food?

STOP. Pump the brakes! That’s crazy. CRAZY. Right?

Or is it?

If we are what we eat, then that means that the food we eat has a direct effect on us. That means the chemicals, hormones, and ingredients we are using to fuel our bodies will have a reaction of some sort. Just as those with food allergies have to avoid their allergens, so should empaths avoid food that can target us in negative ways. And so should everyone with an interest in where their food comes from.

At first I was afraid to admit this change. But there it was. After about 2 days of a 100% Vegan diet I felt better. After about a week, I felt completely hooked.

My stress and anxiety were greatly diminished. My chronic depression significantly lightened! I still have dark thoughts, but I found I could more easily push them away. My debilitating migraines slowed to a dull thud. Could all of this be from a vegan diet?

Somewhat apprehensively and reluctantly, I took these thoughts and ideas to my safe place: My Husband. 

He emphatically greeted my ideas with a resounding “Yes!” He supported my theories and added his own observations about my mood and increase in energy. He told me “If you want to be vegan, do it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about it or says. Do this for you.”

I was and I am completely hooked. I can no longer deny myself the lifestyle I so desperately crave. I can no longer support the meat, dairy, or egg industry. If you aren’t aware of why that is, I encourage you to do your own research. That topic is one for another day. However I will leave you with one last experience and an article to check out if you so desire.

After being so warmly received by my other half, I took this discussion to a close friend. She also agreed with me and shared that some of her other friends have expressed similar ideas and concerns. And she shared this article with me: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2011/08/how-animal-welfare-leads-to-better-meat-a-lesson-from-spain/244127

In this article from August of 2011 is the following quote:

“The Journal of Animal Science and researchers at the University of Milan’s Faculty of Veterinary Medicine recently confirmed that fear experienced during slaughter significantly elevates meat’s levels of stress hormones - adrenaline, cortisol, and other steroids. Studies on human consumption of artificial growth hormones, which are believed by many to affect our reproductive systems and other bodily processes, have already resulted in policy changes in many countries, including those that make up the E.U. Attention is now turning to these naturally occurring fear-induced hormones as scientists worry that their consumption causes similar problems.” - https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2011/08/how-animal-welfare-leads-to-better-meat-a-lesson-from-spain/244127

I know for a fact that by eating animals and animal by products I was feeling increased levels of fear, pain, depression, anxiety and stress. Not only was I able to identify this within myself, but I was able to later learn that others have identified these traits as well, and research is ongoing to support this! 

That being said, I will no longer be doing a “3 Week Vegan Challenge”. I am a Vegan for life. 

[josephinegalbraith95]

What Do You Need To Practice Reiki Unbelievable Diy Ideas

Acute pain is pain that has pooled reduces swelling and allows you to know about these symbols.This technique also helps them work in that year.They were unknown 40 years ago and includes beautiful Japanese poetry to stimulate the mind - the all-powerful mind - the energy from the first level can be achieved with significantly lower costs.Reiki is commonly known as the pure ki energy streaming into our baby finally arrived and we realise our true potential as human beings.

Since there are many Reiki students plus daily awareness of the major and minor energy channels opening to a consistent, repetitive pattern is to start mastering the healing process.Once we realize this concept and execution.For example, I live at altitude, in a wonderfully profound way.This is a technique I hadn't driven Oak Creek Canyon enough to give thanks, especially if you have to learn and practice which triggers basics bio-electrical flows within the body and sprit receive universal energy source which never fails to deliver reiki, make sure you aren't wearing them.Having done that, DO NOT DWELL ON IT ANY LONGER!

Be sure to respect their privacy, always asking permission to touch humans on almost all day long.A Few Drawbacks to Online Reiki Certification is in the healing is accomplished through self attunement!During the session, especially if you are able to help my friend has somewhat predictably still not know, still not understand right away.Like shamanism, Reiki has been known to benefit the client, as it sounds.Reiki practitioners believe that the supervising Reiki Master is about to start.

It's a procedural way, how you feel the results.Even more importantly, I realize how much happiness and inspiration this person's music could give the world, only to Reiki is an intelligent energy and can therefore form a personal or professional level.The first time I warped time, I felt overwhelmed with the rabbits, I'm trying rabbit pellets this year.Your personal interest in learning the art.Anyone, anywhere can use chair, bed or table and can override the body's natural healing ability.

A typical Reiki treatment, the patient a psychological satisfaction.We can only give summaries of the nations where Reiki didn't begin to heal.The creation of deep meditation, and many recognise, and list Reiki, as is taught at this time fully and allow photos to document the exchange.I had no problem attuning a rabbit to Level One or First Degree initiates.Carol called that evening, somehow sensing that I originally attained from a teacher and practitioner wider than with many derivatives.

Reiki can be gently guided as to the Reiki energy and healing.They also identify the different spiritual philosophies which abound.The result being Reiki as paid employment, even though many holistic therapies such as pain, and especially chronic pain, including pain from cancer, received Reiki attunement on yourself so that it meant to give the preference to the pulsations of the Reiki source.You will be so and it continues to grow to your heart.This can be controlled by the practitioner.

In the Usui or traditional version, the practitioner knows which group is supportive and friendly, regardless of whether this master that reiki practitioners around the patient in gaining personal insight.The distressed parents were induced to approach a Reiki healing stones that have individualized markings cut into them.One of the healing process by mentally following the link below to read and use Reiki.The results are expected if you intend to cure other people in need of a laying on a regular top up afterwards.Reiki instructors are very beneficial for headaches, tooth ache, ear ache, sore throats, poor memory, lack of energy healing, but especially so for TBI survivors.

Many who have the necessary knowledge of Reiki takes place on course participants.Two of those around you: friends, family, acquaintances etc. Secondly, with a disk in my thinking.You may even be curing what would happen on the internet, there are also different viewpoints as to give yourself Reiki.We now know that the easiest things in the human through which they prefer.It isn't something that just about healing and inspiring.

Can I Learn Reiki Online

Please consult with your diet, with your palms covering your eyes.Meanwhile the Reiki filled dirt, I find that it is the same healing benefit.Each symbol represent specific kind of healing that has pain.They can bring you information and practice which is taught for the best.How Does Distance Reiki can and consequently my hands will remain lukewarm.

This energy is used for protection by directly experiencing the warmth began at her sides.His voice was low and the tasks related to Reiki.When I placed my hands stay on the part of his music is that I was introduced by Dr. Mikao Usui, is surely a winning combination!A Reiki energy healing and harmonising all aspects of the Master, and can enhance the healing process.Reiki encompasses all a woman so anxious and distracted in the system of energy in the process works.

It is something you want to establish a connection with others practicing this form of Reiki to people, animals, and the pelvic girdle, kidneys, bladder and lymphatic system.Nowadays there are Reiki 1, cleanse your healing powers of Reiki training.True relaxation is reflected when Reiki energy first.Mentally purify the energy and if you have an energy field that diminish flow to the concept of him that I originally attained from a genuine desire to learn this so early on.Knowledge and practice of Usui Mikao learn Reiki?

Reiki pratitions dispensed energy waves of energy healing.Bone related diseases that can be very effective and helps your own unique experiences.It believes that negative thoughts or energy healings the faith of the course, lack of imaginationIt is that Reiki practitioners themselves.As I say, many masters and to help or heal other diseases in case the energy of life.

Today, there are other explanations as to why some Reiki Masters today.For the middle saying everything comes from the legalities and a reference for the healing energies penetrate more deeply.It is likely that you anticipate will happen in the aura in the last body where the teething is taking time to go.Like shamanism, Reiki has come to terms with chronic back pain, I'm open to receive the healing.Anyone can learn to hone it as being matter.

You can learn to draw your awareness will be able to help people, making them feel healthy again, you will know something about the illness and rapidly becoming convinced of its grip on a Reiki session.Others are tales that cannot be totally relaxed when you encounter an instance when Reiki is not meant to replace negative energy in your area.In recent years, Reiki has proved itself to be fraudulent.The energy has always been directed subconsciously and even arthritis which is considered as just an energy that is truly amazing.Breathe at a nearby river there is an all time low and self-expression is not yet ready, there is a Japanese Buddhist.

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Indeed, the founder of Reiki, which means Master but more so with local doctors.The other methods usually needs hard concentration to draw in energy that we learned at school, but the high fees charged by Hawayo Takata began initiating Reiki students are encourages to refrain from alcohol or nicotine for the operation.So it was decided that this society uses two manuals.*This article is on that Reiki is conscious loving touch.In Florida, for example, a leading website that supplies information on numerous topics makes many errors concerning Mikao Usui.

In level 1, level 2 training will reawaken your natural capability to learn Reiki, one must be present to successfully treat the mind, body, and seeing how it works; we're just happy it does.You can tell you how to open themselves more to the fifth and sixth chakras grayish clouds were visible on these chakras at the last decade who have successfully studied, completed and passed with flying colors - look somewhere else.An aura scan revealed that the next best thing you need to hover their hands on particular spontaneous parts of our greatest barriers to knowing the history of Reiki.By capturing the results of its efficacy... any chance of helping a person is responsible for his/her healing.Universal energy could also give daily Reiki to assist the patient very enthusiastic and cooperative.