#i struggled with making it work idk how much i succeeded

[paintbrushnebula]

I want Miles to be shown dealing with PTSD from Miguel's assault for the first third of Beyond's plot. Like even for a significant amount of time after he's been found by Gwen and the band, he's freaking out at everything. He stares at shadows, fearing that one of Miguel's loyal spiders could be lurking. He gets antsy when the gang insist on making a pit stop to rest or do something important (idk what the overall plot structure is gonna be like) because what if they get ambushed? He freaks out about going to any new location because he thinks they might be walking into a trap (or they're walking him into a trap). He'll outright refuse to be left behind himself alone for a moment once he's finally reached the point where he trusts his friends again. We just bear witness to Miles in this constant state of terror for the first third or so of the film, with so much to fear while not knowing what will happen to him in the end.

And he will be struggling to bottle up all this pent up stress and terror he's amassed in the past 24 hours with nowhere healthy to put it because he still doesn't know who he can trust and also because he's Miles and you know he's shoving down all his negative thought patterns and just how afraid and anxious he is for the sake of his end goal. We'll see Miles' will to never dwell on things go from being his best quality to his worst obstacle simply because he learns these life lessons a little too well for his own good. He's gonna just keep going until he flies too close to the sun and shrivels up and burns. And all his pent up anxiety is gonna come out eventually for sure, but I think in a very ugly way.

Like I want his PTSD to really affect things. For his anxiety to affect the progress of the mission and slow the team down sometimes or give the spider society the upper hand while they're hunting them down across dimensions (that seems to be the direction they're going in since Miguel's final line in ATSV is a command to send every spider out to hunt for Miles). Like if they actually come face to face with society members and have to fight, Miles will freeze up in terror and he'll have to be rescued or the enemies end up succeeding in causing problems because Miles couldn't stop them.

Or better yet, and here's the real cherry on top: what if his anxiety causes his powers to malfunction. Like they still work, but he completely loses control over them when he's experiencing these moments of intense panic. He's so scared that he's flickering in and out of invisibility and instead of venom striking on command, he's having these infrequent yet uncontrollable electric outbursts that vary in intensity, like he's having bioelectrical spasms fueled by the panic, and he can't even concentrate enough to direct the venom strikes at anyone in particular. So now like he's essentially defenseless against the Society and it'll be another big factor in him learning to trust Gwen and the Spider-Band again, because he'll have no choice but to rely on them for his survival.

[twisted-gremlin]

Semicolon tattoo and the first years

If you dont know what a semicolon tattoo means, it's a signafier that that person has gone tough mental health struggles. They may or may not continue to struggle with it in the current day depending on what it is they are working with. It's something to empower that person to say that their story hasn't ended yet, even tough it could have, it hasn't.

I just got one myself and I tought of how the guys would react to a tattoo, I may do a general tattoo one, idk yet- lol

For these I'm going to have the tattoo placed somewhere clear and easy to see

Ace: he kinda tought your tattoo was neat, didn't get why it had to be a (in his opinion) useless and overly complicated punctuation. But when you told him the story behind why you got one, he realized in that moment little habits that you have, like apologizing for breathing wrong, or claming up when being scolded, or your protective ness of those you consider friends, or your holding people at arms length. So, whenever he sees you improving from what he has seen, he gives you a high five, or steals something from Trey for ya. As a reward for being awsome.

Deuce: if it's just a small one, he would barely notice it. If it's a little bigger than he will kind of respect you and think that you are also a bit of a punk. Of course, he badly wants some tattos of his own, but is discouraged to get one because he wants to be a cop. But still, he'll ask questions about the tattoo, how dos it feel, how was healing, what's the meaning behind it? After hearing your story he goes to you, and hugs you, thanking you for sharejng your story and that if you need anything, he'll help you, like a good honor student and friend! He would still do that for the smaller one,.but Ace would be there too

Jack: I think he would be apathetic to tattos, never really wanting one, but not judging those who get one either. He may complement it of it's plant or sports themed even. One day, out of curiosity he may ask what was the reason you got it, knowing that some are very personal, while others are random. When you tell him, he will thank you for telling him, and that if you need someone to help you out ever he will be there (he is a loyal pup afterall-)

Epel: another tattoo dork, but he probably wont get one. But he absolutely respects those who have one for any reason. He would ask about your tattoo happily, knowing this could be a chance to get to know you better instead of people allways letting their shit out onto ya. After telling him your story, he is probably gonna get pissed at someone (or multiple someone's idk) in the story. But, you let him know that you're doing better now, time has passed and you carried trough it, succeeding and makeing it further than you tought

Ortho: this kid searched up the symbol, put together the meaning behind it quickly, so he just kinda, hugged you. Saying you're amazing, and that he is glad you're here. He dosent know much about the why, and he dosent want to force it, so he'll just be there if you ever need him

Sebek: I think at first, he is pissed. He doswnt understand why any being would permanently taint their body for asthetics. So, you explain as madly, or as calmly as you can the story of it. It shuts him up a bit, and he even apologizes. I think he takes health seriously since his father is a dentist, so mental qnd physical health is important to him.

[nnnyxie]

BAE I’M COMING THROUGH W THESE I SWEARRR, can’t remember if I already sent one but I got one I think is cuteee idkkk (I despise anything I write at all)

The BEST THING JUST TICKLED MY BRAIN, HEAR ME OUT

Izuku x Fan!reader, BUTTTT🤭 Reader is from our world, definitely possesses a bunch of merch of specifically Izu and one faithfull day they decide to listen to maybe a shifting meditation, more as a joke than seriously but the hope still gnaws at their heart. You can imagine the disappointment as they wake up in their own room☹️ but as soon as they open the door…boom ✨Ua dorms✨ they slam the door shut before opening it and slamming it shut again and again staring in disbelief before squealing, and rummaging through their closet to find a uniform :DD then being introduced to the class and realizing they don’t speak a word Japanese and panicking slightly, we just need a tiny bit of struggle🤞

And ofcourse trying (and failing miserably) to keep the fangirling at bay

It should have to be in the early days of class 1A so that they seem just a little more creepy for loving them so much, but also so they can predict a few things and then just say that that is their quirk :) like random visions

They don’t actually have a quirk but using their knowledge of the manga to their advantage :3 idk does that make sense??? And IMAGINE meeting Izu for the first time…reader just being a mess and Mina quickly picking up on it…reader being bi dosen’t help as Mina comes close to tease them and they grow Almost as pink as her…GJEKDKSKSK (I’m soo gay for Mina and jirou it‘s insane) okay I think I should stop I’m just writing whtv at this point but alsoo HIM SEIENG YOUR DORM or catching a glimpse of his pro merch??? The figurines??? He’s actually be SO weirded out but also curious??

Bonus: reader actually is the mc of a very very unpopular secret underground exclusive manga that Izu happens to be a huge fan of and he goes crazy when he sees them and first thinks they only look super similar and just can’t be around them because he‘s do flustered…one day either he or you is sick and Aizawa asks who could bring the sick one the notes and Izu/reader volunteer a little too fast🤭 so when they then see the room…littered with merch of them…wjdiwnykdnkxks I’m insane

Sincerely, Izu anon<3

#𖢥 izuku anon

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT BECAUSE THIS

THIS IS GENIUS!!!! I WANNA EAT YOUR BRAIN!! /POS

okay so this roughly takes place before the stain incident BUT they’re in the dorms bc canon divergent is my thing /j

the day was slow and boring and you were curious!!

so you turned up that music and focused on shifting to the mha universe!! which failed the first time— but you weren’t gonna give up!! no no no. you tried again!!

and you succeeded. very successfully.

you didn’t realize you had— because your room was still the same! but that was until someone knocked on your door! you thought maybe it was your parent/guardian or sibling! but nope! it was aizawa and nezu!

you had no clue what your story was as to how you got here— did they somehow already get a random explanation? or what?

you were honestly so nervous— shaking from it all.

“come with us!” nezu smiled and motioned you to follow the two.

after a silent five minute walk, you reached a private room.

“you can’t go back for a while. you know that, correct?” nezu asked. you looked at him nervously, what did he mean? “i’m sorry? i don’t understand.” you tried feigning innocence but it didn’t work. they both gave you a ‘we aren’t dumb’ look.

“how did you know?” “we aren’t stupid kid, we know who belongs where. who is from here and who isn’t.” aizawa’s voice was firm and tired. “look— i didn’t think this wouldn’t actually work. i mean— it failed the first time i tried. how was i supposed to know it’d be successful the second time?” you were quick to defend yourself, afraid that maybe they’d lock you up in a cell until you were able to go back ‘home’.

“don’t fret, child! we’d just like to propose a deal,” nezu was snuggled up in aizawa’s scarf, it was kind of adorable. “what— what would that entail?” you were wary— you knew he was a good…. person? animal? whatever— you knew that he was good but, you were still afraid. who wouldn’t be?

“you know what happens here, yes?” you nod your head. “then, you’ll act as our help. your quirk is vision. you will tell us what happens before it happens” aizawa waves his hands in explanation.

“and for my side..?” “we’ll get you home.” “okay.”

the next day— you’re introduced to the class “before we go in, you need to understand that you cannot fangirl or whatever they call it. you need to pretend you only know them because of the sports festival and your visions.” aizawa had you at his desk while students piled in. good lord did it take everything in you to not scream.

“we have a new student, introduce yourself then take that seat behind midoriya.” aizawa pointed to the pretty green haired boy that you loved.

after a quick introduction, you were very quick and eager to take the seat behind him. “welcome to UA!” he gave you that smile— the one you loved so much.

after class, everyone was quick to come up to you— excited to know about your quirk since you hadn’t said what it was during your introduction.

“what’s your quirk? how does it work? what’s your hero name? do you have any special moves?” izuku was close in front of you— you could die right then and there. you were incredibly flustered—

“well— uhm… my quirk is vision and uh— well it’s what it sounds like… i have visions so i can see what happens before it happens…”

“how’s that even useful to us!?” bakugo, the asshole, yelled. while you did like his character— he was annoying sometimes. so, you just rolled your eyes and ignored him. opting to answer everyone else’s questions. he, of course, got angry at this. “don’t ignore me, brat!” he grabbed your collar and lifted his hand. “can you stop?” you asked in a rather annoyed tone.

honestly— this baffled everyone. but, izuku— izuku was thoroughly impressed— he even had a little crush on you now. ;)

as more time passed, work studies came. aizawa paired you with iida— after you let him know of the stain incident he had all heroes on guard and wanted you to make sure iida didn’t run into him.

now. the incident. you did EVERYTHING in your power to make sure iida stayed away— you kept him from the alleyways, watch his moves, etc. but still, he found stain.

then— izuku showed up. you knew he would at some point, of course. “midoriya, you need to go!” iida yelled, you were tending to native’s wounds. since your ‘quirk’ was just vision. you carried first aid equipment with you. he wouldn’t leave— you knew that. but, you wanted to at least try. maybe this time it could be different? maybe this time he’d leave and get help?

“please— izuku you’ll hurt yourself! i’ve seen it!” he ignored you, of course he did. he was a stubborn hero in training after all. “i have to help you both!” and with that— he attacked.

you saw as the hero killer paralyzed izuku, you felt so— powerless. you wanted to do more. you needed to do more. as stain was about to take another stab at iida— you moved to protect him but, todoroki showed up just in time.

the fight was long. and hard to watch— it was always difficult to see. all three characters you loved were getting hurt and you couldn’t do anything. but, you saw iida do everything in his power to force himself up— it was admirable, he was learning to do what was right and you loved that scene. then you remembered— stain would throw his knife to hit todoroki and iida would take it. iida doesn’t need more injuries.

“move!” you yelled as you shoved the two of them, the knife went through you. just above the heart, though it seemed like it struck directly into it. “you idiot!” todoroki yelled at you, and izuku looked horrified. he felt sick. he was angry. that gave him all the fuel he needed to activate his quirk.

the pros arrived as soon as the two took him out, izuku rushed to you, ignoring the yells of the heroes. did they not see you bleeding out? how could they just ignore you like that? it only angered him more but, he knew he needed to calm himself. it’d only make the situation worse.

you were put in a different wing— you needed surgery for your wound. it was deep and there were specs of his blade in you.

the surgery ended up having you on bed rest, so you weren’t able to attend classes. it sucked but at least you had your sweatshirts for comfort— your deku sweatshirts for comfort.

there was a knock at your door, then it opened. you forgot to lock it. though— you didn’t think much of it anyways, it was probably aizawa bringing you your work. which, you wish you didn’t have any.

oh. now you wished it was aizawa bringing you your work.

izuku walked in with a few papers in hand— the light from your opened window displayed all of your merchandise. oh no.

he looked— well, his expression was… mixed? he looked, confused, unsettled, happy???

“uhm— izuku— i can uhm— i can explain!” you sat up quickly, forgetting you were injured, your mortification overpowered the pain. “that’s— that’s me…” he pointed at a figurine. he turned around in a circle, taking in all of your items. then, he faced you. you, who was wearing a deku sweatshirt with a small plush of him on your pillow. “i—” his eyes were wide and his brows were scrunched, you were embarrassed— no— that’s an understatement.

“so… i was right…” he mumbled to himself. “what do you mean? you were… right?”

he rushed to the door— closing and locking it, then threw your papers onto your desk.

“you aren’t supposed to be here! i was right!” he exclaimed in joy. “i can’t believe it— you— oh my god i was—” he threw his hands up in the air then planted them on his head, he was being confusing— i mean, shouldn’t he be freaked out?? “what do you mean you were right!?” you asked louder— while you loved that he was happy, you wanted to know how the hell he knew!

he sat next to you, “you’re not— you’re not us. you’re supposed to be— you’re not supposed to be here!” he pulled out his phone, showing you a picture of… you? “this is amazing! i just— i can’t believe it. i mean, i knew you looked familiar, you sounded familiar, you acted familiar. but, i didn’t want to be wrong.” he was mumbling again, it was cute.

“am i…?” “you’re my favorite character!” he exclaimed. he was beyond happy— he was beyond thrilled.

“how did you get here? did you build some kind of machine? no that would’ve happened in the manga… what did you do? is this why the manga suddenly stopped?” he held your hands, wanting answers. you swear he was trying to kill you, his sweetness was almost suffocating.

“well uhm— there’s this thing called shifting where i’m from and uh… i did it and succeeded, i guess. i didn’t think it’d work but uhm… yeah. it did.” you felt a bit shy, was that weird? wanting to shift into this world? “so why did you want to do it?” he squeezed your hands, he was excited. should you tell him why? should you tell him it’s because you wanted to see him? would that be weird? that’d be weird, wouldn’t it? well— nothing could be as weird as… this.

“i uhm… i wanted to uhm uh see you.” god you wanted to die right then and there. “me? like— me me?” “uhm yeah… there’s no one else here…” he blushed— oh no he was weirded out— he must be. this was the end for you. “that makes me happy.” he whispered as his blush deepened

oh. oh. OH.

i hope this was what you were looking for!!

i had fun writing it!! i wanted to incorporate the stain fight bc it’s one of my favorites!!

[the0ldmann]

My brain refused to let me sleep for a whole goshdarn HOUR last night because it *really* wanted me to write this.

So I've spent the whole day off-n-on working on this. I tried to follow through with showing his more manipulative yandere side, but idk if I actually did all that well at it...

Enjoy this late-night sleepytime brain worm anyway! ^w^

-----

"Sunshine, I need you. To quit. Squirming." Jack spoke through grunts as he tried to wrestle their phone from them. His Sunspot was being very uncooperative and he just needed them to stop and listen.

"I know you want to listen, love. Please, just stop struggling and hand me the phone. I wouldn't be able to hold you down right now if you didn't really want me to take it from you. So please Sunshine, just hand-"

Their pouty face hurt his heart to see as he succeeded, but it was for the best he reminded himself.

"There we go!" He sighed. Letting go of them, he motioned for them to stay where they were as he proceed to get up and hide that little black object.

If it wasn't necessary for their work, he'd just break the stupid thing. One less distraction away from him. One less way for others to try and take them away...

"I know you're not happy about this, I know. But we need to talk. One on one- no distractions and no interruptions."

"I could have just turned it off."

"And no temptations." He stressed temptations as he sat down beside them on the couch. They sat up, rolling their eyes and crossing their arms.

"Alright," they said with a huff. "What is it that's so important you had to take my phone away?"

"You of course, and the fact that you," he put a hand on one of their arms before he continued, "have not been taking proper care of yourself!"

"Oh, pfft, is that all?"

Jack looked mildly frustrated.

"Must I make it clearer how serious I am?"

"Look, Jack, I know how you worry about me a lot, but I'm fine. Really!" They tried to pass off the slight cough that cut them off as intentional throat clearing.

"You've been overworking yourself to the point of making yourself sick, you hardly eat or sleep, and you only recently got over the cold a coworker gave you!"

"I never caught that cold-" A more noticeable coughing fit cut them off and Jack looked wholly unconvinced.

"My point exactly. If you keep going like you have been this past month, you're going to burn out and potentially have an accident. I can't sit idly by and watch you hurt yourself like this!"

Silence was all that met him as they looked away. He could tell they were starting to face the music- the fact that he is right.

"W-well, okay, maybe you are right. I haven't been able to spend much time with you lately either. But what am I supposed to do? The bills won't pay themselves..."

"First off, you've got more money than you think. Secondly, if you're willing, we can make a budget. I'll even help you stick to it."

"Helping me stick to things is one thing you are pretty good at."

"See? Look, you don't have to figure this stuff out alone. I know you stress about money a lot, but at least let me try to help you. It's the least I can do since I can't make money myself, yeah?"

They nodded. Accepting help from him in the form of housework, companionship, and daily reminders had been okay and quite natural to do even. What's one more thing? He was willingly offering to help them budget- something they weren't good at not freaking themselves out about. Jack's help could be the difference they needed in getting their finances- and their work life balance- under control.

"Yeah, I... I think I would like help with that, actually."

"Thank you for trusting me, Sunshine. I promise you, we're going to figure this out. Together. However the budget making can wait until tomorrow."

They quirked an eyebrow up at his words.

"Tomorrow? What are we doing now then? It's still only eleven in the morning. Am I getting my phone back?"

Jack couldn't help but chuckle at their confusion.

"Oh no, we're not doing anything today beyond making sure you get rest. Playing on your phone is not rest, so you'll be getting that back tomorrow."

"But-"

"No but about it! Besides, maybe I'd like to take care of you. Bundle you up in a blanket with a piping hot bowl of soup. Spend that time talking with you..."

They couldn't lie, that did sound nice. It'd been so long since they last got sick, it'd been awhile since they let anyone just take over for them.

"Can I make one request?"

"Is it about the phone?"

"Nope."

"Then go ahead!"

Something told them Jack wouldn't mind, but they still felt a little embarrassed asking anyway.

"Instead of a blanket, can I... can I wear your jacket?"

Jack smiled and ruffled their hair. He shrugged off the jacket and placed it around their shoulders.

"You look so cute in it Sunshine... Now sit tight and let me go get you that soup!"

[ruiniel]

👀 idk if this is too generic—may I request a smutty short fic of fem!reader x alucard, but set post-canon? Like in the little community village? (feel free to throw in anything extra/else!)

Hi anon, but what if they were *on the way* to the village, anon?

Above us, the sky

Fandom: Castlevania series (2017-2021)

Pairing: Alucard x F!Reader

Count: 2.7k

Rating: Explicit (🔞)

Tags/CW: oneshot, post-castlevania, inspired by castlevania, banter, attraction, oral sex (m receiving), oral sex (f receiving), desire, teasing, shenanigans in nature, fluff, drinks by the fire, Alucard POV

All characters depicted are 18+

A wry smile splits his face as Adrian waits beside his horse, watching you dismount you own steed. The lessons, through most of which he’d acted as a dutiful tutor, have finally taken hold. And now you must do this yourself, no matter his urge to ease your struggle.

"Right, watch and giggle," you grumble, succeeding with a graceless huff, "I'll get you for it later, worry not," you mutter with a grudging smile. You then walk past your partner, your belongings slung over one shoulder.

Afternoon sunlight spears through the branches of trees; his eye is pierced by a stray, lonesome ray as Adrian follow you with his gaze. No doubt if anyone were to see his face, they would report the traits of the besotted fool Trevor told him he’d become. He contemplates having to properly humiliate the hunter next time they spar to regain some standing and curb that enthusiasm for jibes, though… well. He’s not wrong, is he?

"Adrian, are you coming?" you ask, looking over your shoulder at him.

He steps forward with a grin, awaiting the scoff he knows will follow; and so it does, though he’s seen your brimming smile. The shiver running through him when you act this way makes itself known; he smothers it down. He can’t, shouldn’t want you here, on the road, despite being nearer to the village now; but the sway of your hips draws him with the magnetism of planets, and the image of your parted lips as he takes you refuses to disperse from his mind.

And, even as together you set up your small camp to rest, Adrian catches you stealing a glance or two when you think he’s not looking; you need him, and the notion fills him with delight, one he never thought he deserved to feel. But that was before. That was past. 

Your face hides nothing. You watch him as Adrian once looked upon you, dancing with the winds above the walls of the castle, not a care in the world. 

The memories fade as your words reach him. "Traveling through time and space again, my prince of the Night?" you tease.

Oh, but how he would tease you, his lively one, until you rose above the stars and your mind emptied of all that you knew. Adrian glances your way with a brief, faint smile as he works to start a small fire.

You’d settled in a hidden glade close to the road, and late you share an evening fare accompanied by fragrant, dark wine he’d packed.

Your mouth forms a tasty little circle after you take a first sip, gazing at him wide-eyed. "Can never, ever, underestimate the wine you have here. Goodness this is exquisite!" you down the rest of it, liberally.

"You may regret this indulgence on the morrow," Adrian says, arms crossed, throwing you a knowing grin.

You shrug. "That's for tomorrow's me to worry about. Now please," you raise the empty cup for a refill.

Shaking his head, Adrian complies. "But then, I have held your hair before, and in worse circumstances," he deadpans, placing the travel flask aside as you both recline around the brimming fire.

You gently slap his shoulder, and watching you, his thought turns to the first time you’d met, then the first time you’d abused drink so much, it led to such a sorry state Adrian could not possibly just stand by and watch.

"Your boots are safe this time, I promise," you chime, giggling at a sudden hiccup. 

It is late as you unpack for a night's rest under summer skies on your return route to Belmont village. His face raised to the cold stars, Adrian hears the slow shift of galaxies and endless circles from afar, through this world and beyond, struggling in their lonesome seats upon the firmament.

He nearly drifts away, the flames warming his face, his body softening against the hard earth beneath your cloaks. He holds you tighter, eyes locked on the stars. Silver light mellows his thought, his nerves, infuses his being. There is peace.

There is fear. It bolts through him like the cracking of a whip.

Adrian starts to feel you struggling against him, your words hissed and unintelligible, limbs contorting in strange positions.

"... it is I," he calls your name, fingers sifting through your hair. When you fail to awaken and still thrash about, he calls again with all the care and worry he feels through your bond; gradually, you mellow against him. 

Your breathing is quick and shallow as you turn your head, awake, watching him with tired eyes. "I... I'm sorry, it was…" you trail away, lowering your lashes and turning back against him, coiled deeper into yourself. "Like before."

Nightmares still plague you. You say they are nothing but your days following such nightly frights are always strange, and Adrian knows you’d not forgotten your ordeal through the siege. You dream of fleeing through his home where all its halls are burning and then the fire takes you and shadows take him. More or less the same visions, with varying outcomes. You hear his voice in your sleep, warning of no escape. Adrian tried comfort, but the aftermath of trauma is immense and its tendrils run deep, as well he knows. Would that he didn’t. And so, he holds you close, rocking with you back and forth to calm your battering heart.

You turn after a few moments, placing a cold palm to his cheek. "I'm so happy you're here," you smile, and in your eyes he sees the signs that sleep will elude for tonight. At first, you could not sleep at all, and now the dreams do not cease. 

Adrian meets your smile and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, sweeping its shell with his thumb.

"Adrian—" you gasp and meet his eyes, hands fisting together at his chest. 

"I got ahead of myself," he says, aiming for an apology though all that comes through, is yearning. He longs to touch you, but now is not the time to indulge. 

"Do it again," come the soft, reserved words.

He meets your eyes, confused. "Rest," Adrian urges, draping an arm around your waist and kissing the tip of your nose.

You smile, so shyly it levels him, and turn your face inward presenting him with the full sight of your ear.

"Which part of rest did you not comprehend?" Adrian tries reason, though inside he already burns to glide his tongue over that lovely appendage merely to hear your sigh, and continue over the rest of you. These primal states of mind and body in your presence can overwhelm; the need to own you is great, to control your gasps and sighs, to have you merge into him forever and a day.

"Please," you smile, reaching around his neck, following the quiver of his lips while your fingers curl into his hair pulling with just enough pressure as to diminish his resolve. "It'll help me rest," you whisper, and that fiendish smile widens at his strangled sigh.

"Have a care what you pray for, it might be given you," Adrian teases the old saying a little too darkly, a hand drawing soothing motions over your back. But relentless you are, coming flush against his body, and he once again drifts on the scent of your skin and the sweetness of your blood. 

He's lightheaded with your touch upon his cheek, following your changing expression. His finger again slowly grazes along your ear. You clutch his arm when he tilts your chin up, slowly, softly tracing the outline of your lips with his tongue. 

Your breath catches; then, again slower, and you grip him tighter, opening for him, your eager mouth ghosting his and Adrian nibbles on your lip, enjoying the hot, silky texture, the taste, the pressure. 

He whispers your name again, this time not in worry but in need; you turn until you’re trapped beneath him. Desire has pooled in your eyes and at least you’re smiling now, but Adrian wants to ask if this is truly what you need.

You curb his question, fingers again seeking and caught in his hair, nose pressed to his neck. "You smell so good… " Your wet lips glide over his skin, "you taste so good..." you murmur and Adrian grins through his blush, recalling a few very pleasurable past moments when you’d said the same.

His arms wrap around you and he rises, drawing you into his lap, watching as you take your time with the fastenings of his shirt. Adrian mirrors your movements, smiling, his fingers sure and steady. You press down on his hips as he lifts your arms to remove your tunic.

"You too," you gush a reproach, and he hastily complies. 

You gape at him. "I will never get over this," comes that husky tone he knows too well, "… how perfect you are," your fingers trail down his bare chest.

"We have enough time," Adrian deadpans. Perfect. Once, when he'd been a wreck, such words would have awakened ire and contempt. Now, he knows they come from the heart, and with you he's learned. He's learned to trust again. He attempts to guide you onto the forest bed—but you resist.

"No," you raise your chin, defiant, "you tonight." Your palms push against him, leading him down on his back and he lies there, defeated amid fallen leaves and grass, eyes narrowing at the devious curve of your lips.

You straddle him, still wearing your leggings, and he pulls at their lacings even as you swat his hand away with an impatient click of the tongue; you lean forward, placing your palms on either side of his head. "I want to taste."

Those words, your face, and the despicable way you bite down on your lip undo him and you feel it—feel him hardening against you and so enjoy it, rolling your hips back and forth, grinding until he must steady you.

"Slower," Adrian orders, perhaps too harshly, but you’d weakened him—again—and he clings to this last shred of control.

You say nothing, the smile gone, replaced by something else as you lean back and aid in removing his boots, watching him as one starved. Adrian feels the softness of you against his knees before your searching touch reaches for his bare abdomen, feeling every rippling indentation; you lean down and place a lingering, open-mouthed kiss to his hipbone, slowly rolling down his trousers. You then look him in the eye, grinning like a devil.

Adrian rises, propped his elbows, to at least give the impression of equal ground. Of course, that is a fool's game; there is no such thing, not with you. Even when he possesses you wildly, smothering your moans and cries, he’s still yours to do with as you please. 

You release him from the constraint of his garment as Adrian tilts his head back briefly, biting on his lip so hard he pierces the skin, and soon your touch is all he knows. You enjoy these moments of panting submission and your nimble hand feels him slowly, applying sweet pressure at every point; you bring a finger to your lips and lick it as Adrian watches, before tenderly sweeping it over the head of his arousal, your other hand resuming its maddening strokes.

This torment kindles a rising, turbulent need and his hips thrust upward, craving the complete warmth of you. "This is... good but... I must... ah..." he gasps as you breathe warmth on the head, "I must have you... now," he struggles amid your games, moaning when you apply more tender pressure.

"Not yet," you murmur in kind, and a strained sigh escapes him; for the briefest of moments, Adrian closes his eyes—the greatest mistake, for now, the shivers of the universe spear him as your pink tongue slowly licks his hardened cock. The sight is always both harrowing and enticing in the worst of ways, leading him down a worrying spiral of darkened things he’d do to you.

"I said I would get you later…" you whisper evilly before one long, drawn-out suckle that hurls him into the endless depths of mindless bliss.

Adrian falls back down, head hitting the cold ground. In a haze, he hears your voice.

"Tell me how you want this..." your soft lips envelop him again and he turns his head to the side to watch, drowning in abject desire, subdued by this power though you ask him what to do. "Faster," he chokes, and you give him that, taking him deeper with maddening ease; he stifles a moan as his cock slips down your throat.

With eyes are half-closed, he can hardly breathe for the sensations raging through him, one hand reaching for a fistful of your hair as he forces you to stop and tilts his hips upward, holding you in place to feel you inside: the hot softness of your tongue, your lips, your throat. But this was enough and he forces you up by the hair, hand drifting to the nape of your neck.

Adrian rises, seeking your mouth, tasting you deeply even as you try to pull away. "No, not yet !" you giggle, pushing against him.

"Oh yes—" despite your struggle, he makes fast work of your clothing, leaving you bare with practiced urgency. Adrian orders your shoulders down until you’re the one lying flat on your back, writhing and grinning only to give him grief as he pins you to the ground with little mercy, and for a mere moment he regrets using his strength on you. "Open to me," he mock-orders, frowning when you playfully shake your head.

So this is how it’ll be tonight. Fine, he’ll play. He applies mild pressure yet again despite your squirming, and easily his fingers roam down your skin, between your hot thighs, palm placed flat on the small tuft between your legs. 

You still, mischief on your face, tensing against him when Adrian captures your mouth, bites gently on your lips; a sigh escapes him when he feels the slippery wetness and his touch becomes shallow, languid, circling your slit. He slips one finger inside. "So... tight..." his kiss turns crushing as he strokes and feels more, drifting on your soft mewling, varying depth and rhythm, drunk on the flare of desire and need infusing the bond you share.

Your thighs tense around his hand. "Now you have to… please…"

Adrian laughs, low, deep in his throat at your plea. "Not yet," he echoes your earlier words, beaming at your frustrated sigh.

"You have… the worst possible timing for revenge," you pant, hips gyrating, desperate for more.

"Do I, really?"

Your own hand frantically reaches and strokes his now slick cock with desperate urgency. "Adrian, please!" 

"How sweetly you beg," he whispers, suckling on your tongue, craving to bury himself into you so much, but you started this.

And you won’t have your way, yet. In a movement faster than you can object he rises, drawing you to him, and his head dips between your thighs.

You writhe and he grips you by the hips, fingers sinking into tender flesh, keeping you down. "Softly..." he nuzzles you, lips pressed to your skin, his tongue lapping at you, delving deep to taste; he sucks on your clit until you mellow, sighing and moaning; but every nip and flick of his tongue has you shuddering and soon you cry out his name again, broken by desire. 

Your hand seizes and grips his hair, body straining, needing him to take all of you, and it is hard to cease even when you twist and squirm, and he feels you peaking, trembling against him. Smiling, he lazily plays with you a little longer.

"Come to me," you ask, hands playing in his loose strands. 

Adrian breathes through his nose at the sight of your needy face and parted lips, the painful way your fingers dig into his shoulders; his kiss follows a slow trail upward, along your body, easily sinking down onto you. Looking upon your face, he sees your lips swollen and glistening from the bites you’d subjected them to.

"My golden warrior... is not too shabby with his tongue," you say, a telling gleam in your eyes, your legs wrapping around him.

The night is still young and Adrian holds you to him, silently melting at the entreaty of your body. 

"Now..." you beg through another kiss, trembling against him, your face limned gold and red by the fire.

Smiling, he cannot but obey.

MASTERLIST: CASTLEVANIA SERIES x READER

More of my work is on AO3

BLOG MASTERPOST (all you need to know)

Likes/comments/reblogs always and forever appreciated

[fel117]

I NEED HELP WITH MANIFESTATION!!!

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ HIII this is like my first post ever on here!! i wanted to just yap and rant a little here about my stories and stuff here because i think it would be fun and everything and maybe there will be someone who can somehow relate to anything i say! no pressure well i basically kind of need help?? with manifestation SO THE THING IS im seeing my friend in june and im so nervous because i feel not ready at all, and yes, its just a month and i know and i believe i can do a lot of things to improve myself in that time, literally hop on higher stages of myself and become better yknow?? and achieve my goals and everything. one of my goals was also to manifest some physical appearance stuff because not gonna lie i never succeeded to manifest something big about appearance stuff even though i was regularly trying, affirming and all that stuff for it which made me so unmotivated because i couldnt manifest simple things like that as others do. after some time i kind of gave up with manifestation, now im getting back to it!! and im more than ever motivated to accomplish my goals (at least try to and be consistent with it) i noticed how i was comparing my manifestation to others manifestation and all that stuff and i believe there is a lot to fix about my mindset and all that kinda things i cant lie that im not nervous about the meeting i have in june (btw keep in mind that im not seeing regularly the friend im meeting there and i just wanted to yknow look awesome feel awesome and everything!!!) BUT MAN......i got horrible haircut. and maybe more like, not like its actually horrible but it just doesnt suit my face you know?? and im not quite used to having haircut like this, it just doesnt suit my face AND TRUST ME IM REGRETTING DECISION ABOUT CUTTING MY HAIR SOOOO BAD LOLLLL i wish i could reverse time or something FR the thing i want to manifest is obviously hair growth, like really rapid hair growth, and hair volume and all that stuff since lately my hair is just falling out like crazy and nothing seem to help?? LIKE HELP IDK and i definitely want to change my face features and all, i always struggled with baby kinda face and i know some people might say like ahahha baby faces are cute YEAH MAYBE THEY ARE TO YOU but i personally feel really bad with having one and i feel like puberty is not hitting me at all and my face just doesnt change how it look so i definitely want to try manifesting to change my face and make it more attractive!!! thats the main two things i want to focus on right now!!! though im not sure what to do to fr manifest it?? i mean i know that im the one who makes the rules about my manifestation and that its easy but seriously im seeing all those success manifestation stories and im like whaat how do they do this?? and btw if someone has any methods and tips please spill some because its really useful I SWEARRRR i want to get a total glow up or whatever you call it and manifest my desired appearance changes because i just really want to know how it feels but also because its part of my goals!!! im just quite unsure how to do all of that stuff because so many things didnt work for me in the past that i feel like its impossible for me to get results or something okay thats it for my little rant, also i feel just by letting this out i realized i might have some potential limiting beliefs and blockages that might be stopping me from getting results AND YK ALL OF THOSE THINGS!!! if someone read this THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!!! and have a nice day or nighttt!!!! BYEBYEBYE <3

[quaranmine]

How do you go about writing mysteries? Like how your firewatch one has its slow drip of discoveries and backstories and stuff. I keep getting totally lost, cuz I already know my endings, and keep forgetting the audience doesnt and shouldnt know the same. Mysteries are fun. They are also the hardest thing ive ever tried to write.

Honestly, mysteries are SO hard. I don't really know how to write them well either. And your ask honestly surprised me some, because up until this point I have never really considered my AU to succeed as a mystery. There is some legitimate mystery in the story (as to where Mumbo is) but, as it becomes clear in chapter 10 I think, most of the things about the Forest Service, Grian's conspiratorial thinking, and finding someone to blame are just set dressing. Or, to give myself more credit, more character study than reality. Something I've had written in the outline since day one is "Is this a mystery, or is Grian just convinced it's a mystery?" Half of the mystery in the story is finding out what actually happened, and half of the mystery is actually just a character study on Grian's grief and thought processes.

I going to put the rest under a cut, it gets kind of long. I can probably talk about my AU forever honestly. And if anyone reading this isn't caught up to at least chapter 10 this will spoil things:

But anyway. I think the best advice I have is to work backwards. You say you already know your ending so it seems like you're doing that already. I knew from the moment I started working on the story how it was going to end, so working backwards from that is a matter of arranging things to be in the places you want them. Having a complete outline also helps because that's what helped me create that "slow drip of discoveries and backstories" because I wanted to reveal things at a relatively steady pace. As for forgetting that your audience doesn't know things...idk I just try to focus super hard on what has/hasn't been revealed and where everybody's povs are. I think that just becomes a learned thing. I don't just know more than the audience, I know more than all the characters too, and I have to make sure they all operate on exactly what they currently know. I think rereading your already-done work as you go helps to refresh you on this.

Another hard thing about mysteries is like....trusting the audience to make connections. I think that I often overplay my hand and spell things out because I am inexperienced in knowing where to draw the line. For this AU, I didn't really intend it to have any big twist ending. I wanted the truth to be telegraphed as the audience uses their own logic to realize that Grian's POV is biased. And even though I haven't released chapter 11 and 12 yet, I....think I succeeded? Based on the difference in comments from chapter 1 to chapter 10, I think most of my readers are where I want them to be. But I didn't know that until I actually released the chapters. Anyway, I think the surprise is less about what the answer is and more about how it all goes down.

In terms of backstories, Firewatch AU has an almost parallel "before" section. There is never a "flashback" to before Mumbo disappeared. The first scene of the story is the ground zero and we never go before that. So the timeline of the story is always "contained" despite skipping around sometimes? Over the course of the fic I slowly introduce scenes that eventually lead us into exactly how Grian got here in the present-day plot. Pretty much all the "before" sections emphasize one way or another that Grian has been struggling.

I guess I can summarize my intentions with the chapters? There's a specific structure to them and their purpose (if I could help it.) Sometimes I feel like I have this story structured within an inch of its life, which is one reason that I have been able to post as I go without needing to make any retroactive changes to already done chapters.

Chapter one: establishes the central problem in the story, introduces the main characters to each other, and introduces Grian's goals. Honestly, I think this is a great first chapter since it introduces everything it needs to. It swaps time periods more than any other one but that is because I specifically modeled it to reflect the intro of the game Firewatch.

Chapter two: introduces fire as a major plot element, and serves as character development and relationship development between Scar and Grian. Also introduces more of Grian's grief, his thoughts about search and rescue, and specifically (vitally, to the plot) allows Scar see just a glimpse of what's happening with Grian that Grian isn't telling him.

Chapter three: mostly vital character development (especially for Scar) and relationship development; I've got to set them up as becoming friends before the big stuff kicks in. also, fire lookout knowledge!

Chapter four: first big clue (found by chance, not by Grian, which sort of emphasizes the idea of things being out of anyone's control that comes up in the narrative a lot.) Bigger spotlight on Grian's emotions (understatement of the year.) Scar gets officially looped into the Real Story. From this point on the plot progresses relatively regularly.

Chapter five: more character development, and another backstory hint about Scar. also, now that Scar is looped in, he gets to contribute information to the plot by bringing the newest clue (that builds off the information revealed in chapter four) (hey grian, it turns out when you communicate to people they can assist you)

Chapter six: this chapter is mostly a flashback section, which i wanted to avoid in chapters but IIRC it was simply too long to include with chapter five. This section with Pearl serves to emphasize a few different self-destructive tendencies Grian has (isolation, his living space, his financial situation, etc.) And finally, more information Scar gives him since he has contacts from working there so long. Also, from here on out Grian's conspiratorial thinking grows.

-> side note, one part of this story being a mystery that was difficult was that like. without internet research being available in the 80s, most "detective" actions would naturally involve talking to people, interviewing, looking at documents, etc. but since grian is Alone, in the middle of the Wilderness, he has none of that. it's, uh, difficult to introduce clues when the main character has little ability to find them. I had to sit down and be like, realistically HOW can he solve this without just wandering around in the woods endlessly? It's not a fun story if all he does is hike around the forest. In the game Firewatch, that sort of worked, but that's because you're controlling Henry. It doesn't translate well to reading. But with Grian entirely on his own, exploring the forest is the only "tool" he has. So Scar is a useful addition since he actually knows people to talk to that Grian doesn't and can move things forward by bringing more information to the table. But I have to proceed carefully to ensure he isn't just a deus ex machina for any hard parts of the plot. Scar talking to someone off-screen can't solve every problem in the story or else it's a bad story.

Chapter seven: some conflict/roadblocks introduced, because Scar cannot just endlessly poke around and find information without repercussions. also, the govt loooooves to make information available only to specific people. you can and will get slapped on the wrist if you consistently overstep the boundaries of your job. also, i need Grian to contribue his own piece to solving the mystery without Scar, so with his boots-on-the ground he finds the trail Mumbo took to get to from point A to point B. He gets a dangerous idea that will later escalate the plot closer to the climax, since we're officially in the second half of the story. There's a flashback that is purposefully the first part of the story so far to have someone outright state they think Mumbo is dead (and of course it's Jimmy.) Ends with more character development for Scar.

Chapter eight: WOOOO SCAR CHAPTER! but not before some egregiously obvious foreshadowing and a distinct reminder that this is a story about fire. i break from my deep character pov for the first time just to give the readers some scientific and historical background. we finally learn more about Scar, which should in theory retroactively piece together why he specifically wants to help Grian so much: because he sees his own experiences reflected in what Grian is living through now. also, since so much of this story is Grian isolating himself and pushing help away, it is vital for him to be shown someone else Does understand him

Chapter nine: beginning of the end pt 1 of 3. we re-center fire as a risk in the story again. grian commits a few crimes, because his main motivation this whole time has been information. and he simply can't get that information sitting in a tower by himself in the woods. he is desperate to find puzzle pieces to slot together so that everything makes sense. this is also the height of his conspiratorial thinking and there's a big disconnect between how he views other people, and their actual actions. I initially didn't want the story to "leave" its main setting, I wanted it to be a bottle. But that just didn't work in practice when plotting this out.

Chapter ten: beginning of the end pt 2 of 3, and we bring the flashback scenes full circle by including grian's decision to become a lookout in the same chapter we learns he gets fired. a somewhat anti-climactic reveal of there not being all that much conspirarcy to Mumbo's disappearance, in a way that hopefully is not disappointing since hopefully everyone reading realizes Why grian was convinced of this and Why he's wrong. woooo fire again! the return of the mystical bike location that was introduced early in the plot! grian finally being forced to reckon with things he's been avoiding thinking about all story! a fallout between our beloved main characters at the 11th hour!

Chapter eleven and twelve: ???? coming soon but you can guarantee they'll deal with the loose ends here since this story is standalone in its plot

So, idk if that type of analytical breakdown is useful to you. But you can kind of see how my plot was guided by the constraints on my narrative--a lot of my choices involved either needing different characters to help grian, or needing grian to go somewhere else. but i constantly wanted to make sure that it made sense for Scar to help Grian, that Scar never overstepped his place in the narrative by being "all-knowing", and that all of Grian's decisions are driven, even to the point of Problems, by his grief. Also, to kickstart the plot, I needed at least one major shake-up to happen (in this story, finding the bike) or else Grian probably would have been just as doomed as everyone else to look in the wrong places. Since it's more or less a cold case, a breakthrough needed to happen to move things forward. So I suppose what I needed was: first, to know the ending I needed to get to; second, to know where I was starting; and third, to provide at least one major clue to give the characters an opportunity to unravel the rest.

Also, this is less about mysteries and more about characterization, but when writing Grian I put Mumbo at the highest priority in all situations. This means he is willing to tank his financial situation, his jobs, his relationships with his friends, and even commit crimes for Mumbo. He consistently does not consider his own future when making decisions. He's reactive and more than willing to take things to the extreme, which I think makes him honestly more fun to write about. I think his Drive pushes the story even when there's just dialogue sitting in a fire tower. One thing I never wanted to do in this story was soften characters' emotions or actions into something "easier."

anyway, this is a story about trying to find logic in places where there is none, coping badly and learning to cope, accepting support from others, grief, and finding closure <333 thank you for your ask it was very sweet to be asked for advice and hopefully SOMETHING in this essay helps <333

[mcl38]

they haven't quite turned on vcarb the way they did mclaren but from what i've read that seems to be bc daniel keeps saying "it's not the same problem as mclaren" when like idk dude if the only time you've finished a race ahead of yuki was bc you got put on softs at the end of the race it is smelling very shades of mexico '22 to me. just without the having to make up a time penalty bc u punted yuki off the track.

i can say yuki is already getting the lando treatment though. "hOW MANY RACES HAS HE WON AND YOU DARE SAY HES PERFORMING BETTER THAN AN 8 TIME GP WINNER?" (ya i'll go to the top floor of my apartment and shout it into the void through a megaphone too what are you going to do about it) only this time there's a heavy dose of racism added in. the amount of people i have seen calling yuki a "pokémon" derogatorily and refusing to admit the racist connotations there are wild. not to mention the ableist terms i've seen be used to refer to his height. it's all very gross and yet again daniel says nothing to even try to prevent it. it's wild how someone always has to get harassed by his fans regardless of if he fails or succeeds.

ok so like first of all yikes. i rly rate yuki but im v selective w my online (especially my tumblr)

experience so i rly almost never venture out of my mclaren-centred bubble, which means i never rly see what ppl say abt him. 'pokemon' is actually vile like thats so clearly racist bc its not even a pun of his name at all or any sort of reference to his personality?? AND the fact that its a cartoon w the infantilising implications of that... ku's essay on the infantilisation of east asian drivers u will always be famous.... like u guys ever noticed how nyck is also rly short and has a youthful face and nobody ever talked abt him in the way they talk abt yuki? much to think abt

now. permission to be mean here but even if its 'not the same problem as mclaren' is the problem not STILL the fact that daniel in his 10+ year career hasnt bothered to understand the way the engineering of f1 cars works in like any material way and thats the reason he always struggles to identify his driving issues / has a disconnect with his chassis unless its tailored exactly to what he already likes and knows how to drive? i saw that bit from newey's book about how max and checo give rly good feedback and so did webber and vettel and it was kind of subtly implying that during the bit in between (the daniel era) he designed less effective cars be he wasnt getting enough precise feedback.... i genuinely havent been able to sleep at night since. like it felt like smth slotted in my head like aaaah this has been the problem all along. if only daniel wasnt so busy going on podcasts making fun of the idea of women in motorsport and actually spent some time to do some way overdue physics homework... lol. Imao even

the truth of the situation is yuki is in the best form of his career and also wiping the floor w daniel. like factually so. EVEN with team orders favouring daniel so his fans cant say its bc of that like they did with mclaren. i genuinely think its quite sad the amount of personal stock daniel fans have clearly invested in this mans career and how much it bothers them when he doesnt perform to their expectations - like he's ur driver, swallow it and accept it, because thats what he's been doing to try to move on. doing all this intense online hate bullshit only makes him look bad bc it highlights how badly and for how long he rly has been embarrassingly underperforming. but by this point it feels like they WANT him to underperform bc they crave that martyr underdog victimised figure to root for and fight for - which is why ur totally right anon, that someone always inevitably gets harrassed regardless of if daniel is failing or succeeding. 

i will say one thing which is that i rly dont think daniel is at all aware of whatever the fuck his fans do on twitter and instagram (and deffo not tumblr lmao). so i dont think this is an issue of like him telling his fans to chill out - and it doesnt work anyways, bc lando literally has made talking abt how much cyberbullying sucks a part of his personality and theres still some rly mean and hateful lando fans (not in a fun way like me<3 lol) (i hate on my own blog and in discord groupchats). so like thats not necessarily on him, its more on netflix for making him the lowest common denominator guy to like, ykwim? also the unfortunate reality is that despite the tshirts and the kneeling (or no kneeling) no one rly seems to stand up to defend the drivers of colour who literally constantly get SUCH vitriol thrown towards them w any occasion. im not expecting daniel of all ppl to say anything abt it ngl

[the1975attheirverybest]

Hi Halla, I feel kind of bad doing this because I don’t want to bring negativity to you but I kind of consider your asks a safe space and I just wanted to get this thing off my chest. You don’t have to read it, I just needed to rant about this to someone that wasn’t my journal.

I’m currently in the library at my uni, skipping the first of my finals. I basically didn’t study for it and just the prospect of entering the class in which the exam is taking place makes me want to vomit. I can retake it in two weeks, but it’s not the first time this happens this year and I hate lying to other people about it, whether the excuse is illness/grieving/a bad performance, and try to shift the attention on the ones I did pass (mainly thanks to luck). My anxiety is over the roof rn and I’m trying my best to study for my other finals but I currently just want to curl up and cry. I’ve always been the golden child with perfect grades so I feel like I can’t talk about academic struggle bc I don’t want to let down others, especially my parents. It’s been a rough couple of years and I basically lost all of my close ‘friends’ and I’m embarrassed to talk about this topic with the ones I still have because they’ve always seen me as the academic weapon friend and as someone they aspire to be (academically speaking) and I don’t want to crush their vision because I feel like that’s the only remaining piece of the old me. I know it’s not a big deal and that the world has thousands of bigger problems than a privileged white girl complaining about her life but I’m so tired of failing and feeling disconnected from reality and other people. I’ll shut up now, sorry for the rant, I hope you’re having a good day Halla, you’re a lovely person.

Hey baby. 💖

I’m so sorry you are having a difficult time. I understand how you feel cuz I’m in a similar boat myself. I think a lot of it has to do with that I’ve learned from people around me that my self worth is contected to my academic performance. So sometimes I feel like I’m shit as a person if I don’t exceed academically. I know that it’s toxic and even though I understand it “logically.” It can be hard to shake emotionally. So give yourself grace. The thing is, you are the same you who succeeded before. Which means you totally have it within your capacity to do it again. But self-deprecating talk has a very real impact and it can convince even a successful person that they are failing.

There’s a book that someone once gave me. I think it’s called “Elite Minds.” I don’t really do self-help much (and also the person who gave it to me is now my ex so it’s hard for me to pick it up now lol) but it essentially argues that whatever you believe about yourself is the truth. Like it doesn’t matter if you’re some fuckin genius. If YOU believe that you’re shit, you will indeed be shit. You could be Einstein himself. But if you think you’re not going to do well on a task, then you’re going to sabotage yourself into failing.

Honestly idk how to kill the negative self-talk. Sometimes it helps to remember that there’s sooo much more outside of academia. And that smart people come in all sorts of shapes and forms. I’ve met some brilliant folks who work office jobs. And some dumbass morons who have PhDs. Your grades and your school performance don’t define your intelligence.

Hang in there 🤍 exam season is almost over. Best of luck babyyyy 🤍🤍

[thesoleilla]

Hello dear sun,

I, the great gods of the gods of the gods, have arrived with a request for you!!!!!

I'd like to request for BSD yeah and uh Hurt Comfort YEAH

And i'd like uhhh Dazai x reader YE (that was predictable)

Uhhh Since i have no idea i will use whatever come to my brain !

Soo ! Let's say that we have a reader, a female reader ig with she/her pronouns because i said so ! And we have a Dazai ! Reader go through an existential crisis and ig she dissociate from herself and the real world so she gets confused and she just idk sHe AlSo SuFfEr FroM coTaRd SyNDRoMe

Good luck dealing with that!

Thanks !

Hi god!^^

First off thanks for the request ^^ I really appreciate it

And second off…

Here's your request!

(Srry I'm not really proud of this especially how I characterized Dazai but whatever this is my first time writing bsd stuff)

Also BIG trigger warning for s**cide

It happened again.

You got into a crisis and ran out of the office making everyone worry about you.

You didn't think this Y/N person deserved to be cared for but well, they probably thought listening to you was a waste of time right?

You didn't know what they found interesting about you really, you were just a rotten person in your eyes; but they tried so hard to make you see "the real you".

And you also looked for her, the agency gave you hope but she was nowhere to be found.

Every search ended in you finding yourself more and more rotten, and today you just couldn't stand it anymore.

So, after coming back emptyhanded again; you decided you had enough.

You carefully wrote a note and stuck it under your desk, hoping they'd only notice when it'd be late enough.

It was rather simple really, it didn't even reveal anything concerning but you figured they'd understand right away, after all this was a detective agency.

So, pretending you needed to leave for a mission, you ran out of the agency, tears filling your eyes as soon as you left.

But luck definitively wasn't on your side today as you randomly bumped into Dazai on your way home who was probably skipping work (again)

Uh oh, this wasn't good.

Why did he decide to skip work now of all times.

Well to be fair this wasn't very out of character for him…

But why does he always seem to slack off specifically where you are?

Couldn't he just find his own suicide place instead of constantly just picking somewhere between the agency to your place?

You brushed off your tears, hoping he hadn't noticed them yet.

"How could I deal with this without raising suspicion?"

Was a question you really didn't need to ask since Kunikida was already there about to put Dazai out of his misery.

So you planned to quickly run away while they argued back and forth for like the 6th time this hour.

But do things ever go as planned when you're apart of the Agency?

And the answer to that is a big no.

Because Dazai was already trying to use your "bad mental state" (his words not yours) as an excuse to avoid writing a report about his last mission.

God, was he really going to use that as an excuse?

Well, looks like he will.

And that really angered you, because you actually kinda liked him honestly, and you two definetively shared some traits; and you were starting to think that maybe he actually cared for your rotten self.

But well, looks like he didn't as he's litterally using you as a tool to slack off.

How nice of him. However, this doesn't seem to be working very well since Kunikida just grabbed Dazai, picked him off the floor and is screaming not very nice things at him.

Thanks for the distraction I guess?

That allowed you to discretly run away to your place without raising more suspicion than you already did. And you finally succeeded!

Pheeew that was harder than expected!

Maybe that's why Dazai struggles so much doing the same, you really underestimated how hard this would actually be… no, no you didn't want to think about this jerk again. Did he really lie to you about finding a not so rotten part in you for so long only to use you like that?

I mean it's not that you actually believed what he said or anything… but still that did hurt and you can't deny it.

Well, whatever you didn't really care anyways, he was allowed to use you like that I mean, it gave you a purpose at least... a dumb one but still! It was something, so you dying was useful! Yea,right suicidals help eachother! Well, I mean he did almost ruin your plan but whatever, you would have done the same! Right?

Aaaargh and there you were your mind drifting away from the task...Could you not complete such a simple task?

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

Huh? Is dying without being interrupted really that hard? God, you were starting to understand him way too much!

But who could that possibly be... someone from the Agency perhaps? Nobody usually came to visit you so it's probably just about work!

However you did tell them that you were going on a mission... Could such great detectives forget about that?No...no that wasn't right.Dazai must have told the others so then...

IT WAS HIS FAULT AGAIN????

Man, you really needed to settle this with him in the afterlife!

"Y/N can I come in?"

Wait.That voice. Did he really wanted to bother you at a time like this? Out of all the people at the agency he's supposed to understand your feelings better! So why is he interrupting you like this?!

Could it be... he didn't lie? No,no this is Dazai we're talking about he wouldn't be actually serious about his reason to slack off! And maybe you just invented his voice and he isn't actually here!

"Y/N open the door or I call all the agency here. You know they'd come. So just open it. I promise, I don't want to stop you or anything, I just need to talk with you."

Okay, so this wasn't a strange hallucination and he actually wanted to talk with you? Huh that's weird... pretty out of character if you ask me

"Just don't bother me" you said as you slowly opened the door only for it to reveal a totally calm Dazai, strange considering the situation but heh, it was Dazai we were talking about, would he seriously be agitated by something?

"Wow, you finally opened it! I almost thought you were just going to leave me on the doorway!" He said, with way too much energy in regards of the situation...

"So what did you want to say that was important enough to stop my attempt?" You said, rudely trying to get him to tell you and leave as soon as possible, freeing you from him and freeing you from... everything really.

"Hey!Were you actually planning to do it alone? Do you really despise me that much?" He said, slightly offensed by your detachment.

"Ugh, no I don't and you know that it's just that all of your attempts have you know... failed and I'm starting to believe you actually don't take it so seriously... so no, I don't think you're trustworthy enough so that I'll succeed" You replied, about to kick him out if he says anything to anger you again.

"What do you mean"I'm not serious" do you really think killing yourself is that easy?Come on there's already someone stopping you as early so you should've realised how hard it is!" Dazai said, in a joking tone but you were starting to sense real anger coming from him and god that was one of the scariest things you felt in your life!

"Yes I don't think you're serious, you're literally joking right now, and besides I don't know if you're aware of this but you are the one stopping me right now so, will you leave?" You said pointing towards the door,trying to be menacing (you were failing miserably, but how are you supposed to scare an ex port mafia executive?)

He looked like he was about to start talking,so he apparently wasn't going to give up on whatever he was planning for you; and so you just decided your feet were very interesting and focused reallyy hard on them.

But he didn't speak, instead he just patted you on the back...huh weird but...strangely relaxing.

"Y/N?" He whispered into your ear as quiet as humanly possible, even though his humanity was indeed questionned by a lot of people.

"Yes?" You whispered back, really softly.

"This might sound really weird but.. can you stay in this world for a bit? I'm scared that the afterlife gods hate me for teasing them about dying for so long... and I don't want them to separate us as a revenge." He lightly giggled at the last part but he seemed really serious, and almost... hurt?God seeing him weak like that was definetely not something you'll get used to. But it was sweet, very sweet; he seemed almost vulnerable? Were you just having a fever dream right now? This can't be real. Dazai. The-old-executive-of-the-port-mafia-Dazai. That Dazai. That Dazai was also the one being clingy and really close to you. Is that really happening?

But you really didn't know how to respond, your logic told you to say no, not to stray away from your goal...but logic was fighting with another thing in your brain. Your feelings. You tried to supress them for so long...but the big wall finally broke down, breaking you down with it. Yes you felt good things about this person. And yes you were starting to feel good things about yourself too. And you don't have to be ashamed of it anymore. Because this part isn't ugly. It's just who you are and you're tired of hiding it.

But yea, you did breakdown. Your knees fell to the ground taking you with them. And soon your tears fell too. Every single thing about you was crumbling down. Whether it was physically or mentally. But a certain someone won't let you be ashamed of that. In fact, he was already picking you up and bringing you towards the couch, which was making your heart literally burst out of your chest. But he won't let you be alone in this anymore. Not after he saw you vulnerable like this. So he grabbed a blanket, put you on the couch and cuddled next to you. And you stayed like this for who knows how long. But after seeing you vulnerable like that, he decided that maybe he could show himself a litle more vulnerable to you too. And hell did that feel great.

You both were starting to slowly fall asleep (even though neither of you would have admitted it) but just before that you heard a soft mumble coming from the man right next to you.

"Y/N"

"Yes?"

"I won't allow you to try and die alone"

You giggled for a while "Only if you promise me to do the same"

"Of course...but actually I won't let you be alone anyways... not until you're fully better"

And at that moment you both knew, that you didn't want to be fully better anymore. Because you wanted to stay like this forever.

[daz4i]

ok ok rather than make a bunch of annoying vent posts i'm just gonna put everything on my mind all in one post to let it out 🔥 you absolutely do not need to read this, this is honestly so ridiculously long. my brain better feel clean for like at least 2 days after this fr

i knew i was gonna crash after this week and i think this is it 🥲 i was so tense for literally a whole week (even more tbh, bc i was preemptively scared of how much i have to do too) and i think the adrenaline drop kicked in after the peak of this one (aka being in a big social event. haven't been to one of those in literal years)

also. my parents have been sick this week and i think i maybe have contracted it too? 😭 if that is indeed the case it literally kicked in in the last like hour of the event, i was perfectly fine beforehand bc i avoided being in the same closed space as them when i could (aka kept my distance or made sure windows were open around me all the time jic). bc suddenly my whole body hurts like it hasn't in a long while. tho that might be the adrenaline crash too who knows 🥲 ig i'll see how i feel when i wake up

i have not been creative in awhile and i can feel my brain drowning in gunk lol. technically i tried writing songs a couple of times lately but they came out so bad i can't finish them. or anything. and i feel like shit abt failing to create literally anything. and i keep seeing people be creative and make so much or sharing their work fearlessly and it's always so much better than mine too that i'm burning with jealousy that i can't turn off (and can't channel into my own creation bc well. it comes out shitty! so the cycle not only continues but in fact gets worse each time). every time someone tells me i'm good it feels like they're lying to make me feel better or bc they love me so they're. biased and see everything i make as good bc it's me, so i can't count that. every time *i* feel like smth i made is good there's some glaring imperfection i don't know how to iron out so i start hating the whole piece. i don't know how to become better when every time i try to practice i end up wanting to claw my own eyes out as punishment for being so talentless and dumb

(the dumb thing too is. oh my god this is gonna sound so silly but. i try to make myself feel better by solving puzzles or trivia or riddles etc bc these are things i'm usually good at. but lately i can't be proud of myself for succeeding at any of them, and i keep beating myself harder for every time i fail or don't do as well as i used to, bc it feels like i'm failing at the only thing i'm supposed to be good at. also i just generally keep doing stupid things lately esp when it comes to my time management or taking care of my body in various ways, i keep forgetting things which is smth i almost never do, i struggle to get through conversations with others bc i trip over my words or make mistakes constantly, generally i'm just being stupid in various ways)

right now i am. so anxious. about so many things. here let me just make it into a list starting with very small to. probably still small but it feels big to me

1. this is so silly but. i am literally too tired to put small earrings back in after changing them to long one for the party. and i'm scared the holes will close up in my sleep. but this is literally so much work 💔 idk if the holes haven't healed properly or if i'm using the wrong metal so i keep getting infections bc it's been A While (two years. apparently. maybe more??) and they haven't healed yet. like i said a silly thing to get stressed over but i am. very tense

2. i don't know. if the people i knew in the party actually didn't recognize me or if they ignored me on purpose. bc i stood next to some of them while my besties were talking to them too and they didn't even say hi (or like introduced themselves the way others that i didn't know have done). one of them was literally my bestie for a good few months a few years ago and even tho i grew a beard i. don't think i changed THAT much??? also i don't think it's hard to make the connection abt who i am given how tight this community is. someone i haven't talked to since like 2015 bc we had beef recognized me even. so how come they didn't. i met one in a con recently and she did recognize me so. h. did i do something wrong. did someone say smth bad about me. i don't know i don't understand social rules enough to figure it out 😭

3. this is another thing abt that tbh 🥲 while it was very fun and a super cool event, it did remind me very painfully of why my social anxiety is so bad 😭 i felt like i made 10 social errors per minute. i didn't know what to say half the time so i just smiled or laughed and i think that made me seem creepy idk. a lot of people were very nice and i think i did mostly fine with them but also maybe not. idk. i am definitely overthinking things but what if i'm right. it's not that out of the question. i am known to fail social interactions there's a reason why i do my best to avoid them

4. and this is kinda bringing me to a thing i have on my mind a lot recently. bc i'm doing the recovery thing. and a lot of people - friends family and professionals who help me there - tell me i am capable of more than i think or admit. and i get WHY they think that bc i *am* doing a lot compared to the literal nothing i've been up to for years. but i am very much pushing outside my limits, which is why i'm constantly feeling like shit lately i think (not that i was doing great before but. yeah). it probably seems mostly effortless bc i just do them without beating much around the bush but that's only when i mentally prepare myself days or even weeks ahead (for reference, i'm talking about things like. being in public. or taking a bus). or the work i do for projects that... honestly idk how i'm doing that either. i am the laziest person ever and i have no ability to concentrate yet i managed to sit down and do work and do it well and learn text by heart and research and write for hours and ??? it does not feel like myself. but it also kinda does bc i need to very forcefully push myself into it and berate myself for hours until i actually get up to do anything so. it's not smth that comes naturally to me. i don't consider myself capable of things. i'm just very good at pretending i'm unbothered (up until i start crying uncontrollably at least lol) so ppl think i am. unfortunately. bc then they expect me to do more. or they pressure me into it then get disappointed when i can't do it (ig that's the core of it for me... i don't want anyone to develop expectations about me, bc i know i won't be able to meet them, at least not long term. so i insist i can't do anything, bc sometimes - often - i really really can't. i don't wanna be judged by my best. feels false to even call it that tbh. but that's bc it's so rare, it's the best for a reason, the absolute peak i can get to, as pathetic as it is. bc the problem is, when this is already beyond my limits, i literally can't go further, but that's what they want me to do 💔)

5. god. this is also a small thing probably but the accidental lie i mentioned. for context i am giving a lecture abt p5's mythology in the next con, that's the thing i was working on lately. anyway when i signed up i gave background information about myself, and to make myself sound more fitting for the job i said that i learned the topic in [university that specializes in said topic] bc i did - just. 2 classes. that's it. i was telling the truth there, technically (most of my knowledge on the topic comes from independent research, but the classes i took did help with that too, as in i knew where to look for info and things to look out for) (also for reference i'm gonna be fr. i did not finish these classes. social anxiety got to me and i was scared to go to anything outside zoom lessons which weren't an option anymore unfortunately)

ANYWAY when they told me i got in they sent me a "revised" bio which was just what i originally sent them, so i said okay. but now the whole thingie was posted and i can see my bio there and. they said i graduated from [uni] and used language that implies i have a degree in it, probably to make me sound more credible, but it's not true!!!! 😭😭😭 the thing i said was definitely embellishment but it WAS true enough that if asked directly about it i could spin it somehow ("oh i haven't finished yet" "yeah i took a couple of classes when i could to enrich my knowledge") but this. makes it so much harder

chances are i won't be asked bc why would anyone ask abt that. but ever since i started writing the script i was so stressed about people calling me out for being wrong abt info, so i even added a disclaimer of "these are old texts that have many versions that vary according to location or were changed with time uwu if you know a different version of this story that's probably why uwu" and "due to the time constraint i'm giving a very simplified and short version of this topic uwu" bc given that i'm talking a lot abt judaism. to a mainly (or most likely, entirely) jewish audience. it's enough that there is someone who is religious or previously ultra orthodox in the audience that if i make a mistake they could point it out. and then i'll start panicking and lose my train of thought and fuck everything up while i'm already so stressed as is and-

so like i've been super stressed abt all that^ until now but that misinfo in my bio is raising the stakes for me 😭 bc now what if someone who went to this uni and majored in this topic calls me out on never seeing me there. or they can tell the info i'm giving isn't smth that's taught there or isn't the way it's taught there. this is such a specific and unlikely fear but i can't not stress about it because TECHNICALLY it's possible, it COULD happen even if that's not too likely

6. all of this is while i'm also struggling with bureaucracy around that art program i'm signing up to, idk if i'll get in yet or not bc i need some files to be approved and idk if they would, and idk what i'll do if they don't. or what if they do! i'm honestly so scared to start it, idk how i'm gonna go from nothing to waking up early and driving an hour 4 times a week to be active and around people for a few hours. tbh i don't think i can, but also if this gets approved then i have to, so the government's money doesn't get flushed down the toilet bc of me.

7. all this shit has a major impact on my physical health 🥲 not getting into details bc that's def tmi territory but. i'm fighting for my life over a certain stress-caused medical thing for weeks now. only other time i had it was when the war originally started so naturally i was extra stressed then, but like, this is to give you a reference for how majorly stressed i am now. my regular pains are flaring up more often too which makes things harder to handle as well (like, stressing abt not doing enough work, bc i'm literally in too much pain to do anything but lie down. or being scared of the plans i have for the week bc what if these pains catch me when i'm outside or with people. how am i supposed to push through them. what if they catch me when i'm in public and i have to sit down in the middle of the street. what if i'm with people and i'm holding them back from doing smth bc of that. etc etc)

8. ofc all this is happening during the war and i keep seeing things i really don't wanna see from ppl in my country and the west 🥲 and it's like, the mix of guilt over this happening at all, and the frustration over feeling like i have nothing to do about it, and fear about how things are gonna escalate in either direction, and seeing friends from other countries posting things i agree with but can't condone full heartedly bc well. this'll hurt me directly, as selfish as it sounds (tbf, when i say hurt me directly, i'm talking about me and my loved ones' lives being endangered), but also seeing said loved ones talking about things i can't agree with morally, yet can't fully refute either because life is. complicated. i have a lot more to say tbh but i'm too tired to acknowledge every single facet of every single related issue which will open me to a lot of hate so. best to leave it here. unfortunately

idk where to put this. sorry for the sudden topic change. it feels bad to be stressed over that but, there is a guy who i know likes me like a lot. i think i'm like exactly his taste and he's always so excited about seeing or talking to me. one of my besties - or maybe more. idk - really wants us to get together bc tbh it'll probably be good for both of us, and y'all know how desperate i am to be loved lol. but i can't bring myself to like him the way he likes me 💔 he's fun but i have a hard time with one on one interactions so i can't really progress things and tbh, idk if i'm currently in a mindset where i even should, given all that^. also i know for a fact i can't handle an actual relationship, and i'm scared i'll disappoint him or drive him away if i'll be my real unfiltered self, and ik i need to be obsessed with someone to get attached this quickly but i can't force it either. and to put it more directly... i'm perfect for him and his taste, but not the other way around 🥲 (tho tbf idk what my taste even is. i identify as aroace for a reason). i don't wanna string him along but i think i already kind of am 😭 i like him but not as much as he likes me, but what i probably like here even more is the feeling of being liked. and that makes me feel like a dick. i also feel guilty for not liking him the same way ig even tho ik it's stupid bc it's not like i can control it. and yet

so yeah this is. a lot of shit. all at once. both silly and not silly at all. my brain is in constant overload. i get violently suicidal every time i have a moment alone with my thoughts or when i see anything that reminds me of that. bc all this stress makes life feel so impossible - it IS impossible - that i can't handle the thought of it, but half of the things that cause me stress are supposed to be for the purpose of distracting me from how stressful everything is. so. what the fuck am i supposed to do about all that. how am i supposed to live like at all

[angelkiller666]

Where i had been. (APOLOGY and UPDATE)

ok....so, imma just get straight to it and say that i am VERY sorry for my long unannounced Hiatus, a LOT of personal stuff has happened within my family, and i ain't gonna get too personal or else this will be too long to type. just know that i am DEEPLY sorry for my absence, i'm alive, i'm ok, nothing SUPER horrible happened, but do understand that i may STILL be in Hiatus after this, so please bare that, but do understand that i'm not going anywhere, and just took a mental break that ended up becoming more than just for mental reasons. also MASSIVE BROKEN BONE/SURGERY TRIGGER WARNING!!!! if you are sensitive to broken bones, surgery, stitches and blood, idk what to tell you but to just skip the pics that will be presented here on this journal, and i'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but please bare with me and take my advice, if you can't handle it, i understand if you don't read this update, it's fine. but please don't come after me for it. alright, onto the first part: depression's a bitch! and so it art block and burn out, especially when your family's struggling with a lot of stuff and you gotta be there to help them out. which is exactly in my case. my mother (gonna keep it vague and quick) was getting sick multiple times and she was on high risk of possibly not living another year after her diagnosis. (spoilers: SHE SURVIVED and is not very sick anymore! she's alive and well!) so during the time she was sick, i had to do many house chores, dinner and sanitizing in the house because my mom obviously really needed it. but it's hard to do that when you have a schizophrenic and NARSSISISTIC sibling who REFUSES to help out and make you do all the work while lazing on their ass all day.....which was also my case. (also spoilers: my brother has gotten better now and has sought treatment from the mental hospital and isn't as bad as he was anymore. i'm not dunking or hating on him, just understand that there are issues that went too far, but were thankfully handled well by the professionals.) so through out most of the time, i was just struggling to keep everything together and has at least succeeded in such.....until one day, about....3-4 or maybe 5 weeks ago, i broke my ankle while i was in the middle of exercising. (idk how long, this is just a guess on my part) (DOUBLE WARNING AND TRIGGER WARNING REMINDER!: if you are easily triggered or uncomfortable at the topics of broken bones, stitches, surgery, blood or any of that, SKIP THE PHOTOS or STOP READING if you are not able to handle it. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

i won't get into too much details, but just know that i went through hell for a bit. here's where i first broke my ankle:

in total, i broke my ankle in 8 PLACES! i know, i have no idea how either, i guess i just had shitty luck i guess: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/901237515577618506/1205540327855882300/SPOILER_IMG_6101.jpg?ex=65d8bdec&is=65c648ec&hm=85c626e0d90ae067952a9653ac37767253156fe55905de373ba51f5d05cb4cd5& i had to wait a whole day to be admitted to surgery, which sucked as hell because i couldn't sleep thanks to the pain. but hey, at least i get to finally get some rest with the pain killers after surgery. (i think it was 7 or 9 screws welded into my bones at the moment) https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/901237515577618506/1205540514678571069/SPOILER_IMG_6098.jpg?ex=65d8be18&is=65c64918&hm=6befdf49153a8bd4895d43baf9613f211b600bfa60b8a98587b5c3d775a9dfd3& i spent the next 2 or 3 weeks in a cast (and still am, just a brand new one, it feels more comfy than the last) but i finally get to stay in bed without feeling like utter shit and got to sleep a lot to gain back my energy: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/901237515577618506/1205539682251706518/f1028ba1-e18d-4edc-b1a9-289b3ad7e588.jpg?ex=65d8bd52&is=65c64852&hm=28bf9a0626cea54467a02863815c5a528d60e24fb54a799b3d27ae38b38bf3b7&

last week, when i got to get a new cast and see how my leg was doing, i had a BUNCH of stitches, and even though it barely hurt when they took off my old cast....it was a sight to see:

i don't have a pic of the new cast, but i'm doing well, thank god. this week is when i get my stitches removed and maybe after another few weeks or so, i'll get the metal and screws out soon, but i just know i'll be in a cast for a LONG while. ok! so that's what was going on during my unannounced Hiatus. a lot of things happened, but i had been doing rehab in walking in my walker and scooter to get around the house, i don't feel pain as much as i do anymore, mom is doing a lot better and so is my brother. i am planning on returning soon, it just may take awhile. thank you to those for reading and understanding my situation, i promise, i got new art in the works and soon, hopefully, i'll finally be able to celebrate my 500 follower milestone! (in Deviant Art) i hope you all have been doing well, and can't wait to start posting again!

[kaspvrtalksart]

I just graduated art school, now what?

I made it out of art school yay! Now what?

Post-grad art life has been exactly what I expected so far. Im all out of money and I'm a bit uncertain of how I'm gonna be able to support my myself financially as an artist.

My current source of income comes from tattooing and doing custom commission work, but business is extremely slow right now and it's scary. On top of that I'm in the process of working on my brand, but how can I do that when I don't have money? Its such lovely cycle isn't it? The thought of getting another job is tough because it can be distracting and take up too much time to do art. We all know this story.

But the weird thing is that I'm rather excited despite my current circumstance. Don't get me wrong I've been having a few panic episodes with the thoughts of my bills creeping up on me but when I collected my thoughts, I woke up today I actually feeling good to be broke. (Wtf right)

Now I know that sounds ridiculous, but my point is that I feel honored to be able to go through this part of the process, the "dark side" of artistry. The lifestyle of an artist (in all forms) is inconsistent, frustrating, and at times certainly elitist. This shit is hard! But the love I have for the craft overshadows the bad stuff, what a joy it is to have the gift of creating and share it with the world. Not many are willing to fully pursue this lifestyle (and I don't blame you it feels insane to voluntarily sacrifice so much for the sake of art) but in my heart I know that I the struggle will be worth it in the end. I hope this wasn't too cheesy and I said all this to hopefully encourage any creative person reading to keep making your art and keep smiling :)

"..making art is chancy--it doesn't mix well with predictability. Uncertainty is the essential, inevitable and all-prevasive companion to your desire to make art. And tolerance for uncertainty is the prerequisite to succeeding ." - Art and Fear , David Bayles & Ted Orland

P.s. this is my first tumblr post idk how this works but if you got this far thanks for reading ❤️

[fishthegenderwitch]

EATING.

So I’ve been struggling to make/follow some sort of an eating routine for about 20 years. I’ve researched this topic til my eyes bled [not literally], and I’ve tried many different [usually too complicated] ways of eating ‘enough food’. Last year I started the process again, only this time, I wrote out a list of food I actually like eating. Then, I figured out (this week) what groups those foods fall into, and how many of each I have to eat to just... be healthy and feel good.

Once I figured that out, I learned what a serving portion is, because LEMME TELLYA, I have not been doing that correctly. A serving size, for me, was however much I could stuff in til I didn’t have any left.

Going back to all those years of trying, I made SO MANY CHARTS. I tried like 5 different apps, doing different things, and generally not really feeling like I was doing it for me; I was reporting to some faceless AI that kept trying to get money from me. I’d make these beautiful charts with precise lines and pretty fonts and wonderfully artful crafted images... and not much of it worked.

Tonight I said  Fuck this, and I scribbled out this thing

I got my fruits, veg, fortified soy, grains, water, and weekly proteins on there. I filled in what I ate today (I’ve since had 2 more cups of water). I’ve eaten more today than I’ve been eating daily for the past 4 YEARS AT LEAST... and I still haven’t made it up there. Baby steps. I’m not sure if/how I’m going to keep track of when I succeed at having all the food and water I should be in a day, but for now, I am doing Something. IDK if this will stick, IDK if this will WORK. But for now I’m trying and this seems the closest to succeeding.

I think I gotta set myself a goal. Like... 90% of my daily food intake for a month or something to start with. I’ll work on that later.

Even if it’s just like this for the next forever. I’m gonna be okay.

[rachymarie]

*A thought spurred on by previous post:

And it only took me picking up drawing again and doing three attempts at a realistic drawing of my body to feel confident about my artistic abilities again. I guess I was so scared I wouldn't still "have it" but talent never goes away and if you aren't naturally talented (sorry to toot my own horn (I need some positive encouragement even if it's from myself, not many people really actually encourage me outside of friends and family and even then my own bff didn't even respond when I sent her my drawing WIP recently - like, actual conversation-stopper and radio silence for three days even after I confronted her about it - so I really do need to be my own biggest fan and keep going despite the crickets and tumbleweed reception I tend to receive. Just like I've always done. People only value working yourself into burnout these days rather than cultivating skills and passions) but honestly despite all my endless struggles in life and personal/social deficiencies, art and creativity is like one of the few departments I was actually lucky in, and I'm one of those "annoying" gifted artists who it kinda comes naturally to. My actual final art style and composition etc is subjective to the viewer of course, but what I mean is I seem to pick up most techniques naturally, even though for starters I had to teach myself how to hold a pencil because the right-handed teachers didn't know how to teach lefties so just ignored me like "idk figure it out 🤷‍♀️" 💀 I've basically been having to teach myself nearly everything I've learnt my whole life especially with the learning disability of undiagnosed autism growing up in the 2000s (a hugely ableist and problematic time in far too recent memory - there wasn't even any pushback against the use of autistic as a slur/insult, and being undiagnosed or "late-diagnosed" wasn't really a thing yet - instead you were just a weirdo not to be interacted with except to abuse, for fear of being tainted oneself with the Weird brush. Literally, I had no defence other than my twin sister who could have been a millionaire by now if she got a dollar for every peer that felt the need to come to her and tell her "your sister is weird". Times were brutal so please respect your elders the Millennials lol we went through a lot so that you or your children won't have to 🫂) with literally no support or acknowledgement for or ways to deal with it

That said, i still have suffered from artists' block and even destroying my art, vowing to never make art again due to delusions etc)

The *Tall poppy syndrome phenomenon is a very real problem here in New Zealand (even Google suggestions knows it) and in Australia. While not being the picture of success I am "gifted" I have experienced it a lot and it sucks. And have succeeded in being my own person to the bitter end(well, the present, nothing's ending yet for anlong time I hope), unapologetically me in a society of people trying their hardest to be perfect clones playing the part. I am a bit of a radical rebel like that and refuse to undermine myself to be anything but myself and it's amazing just how much people have just absolutely loathed it lol. Such is the life of many an artist I guess 🤷‍♀️ like, I'm sorry I'm good at a lot of things that mainstream society doesn't seem to consider worth anything cos I'm too disabled to work (only disabled enough to spontaneously ramble into the void for hours in a display of extreme disorganization (I started writing these posts at midday and didn't stop and now it's 1pm))

Like it sucks that the country collectively decided not to support people's achievements and instead be horrible to people for daring to be good at something.

A similar/the same notion is crab mentality/crabs in a bucket which is apparently a phrase popular among Filipinos and basically boils down to the thinking “if I can't have it, neither can you.”**

I think a lot of it stems from ignorance. It all results in people not being allowed to be proud of themselves or their family members for even the smallest of personal achievements. But I say be proud brave soul. Keep doing you cos the world needs more of it.

*"Tall poppy syndrome describes a cultural trait where successful individuals are resented, undermined or attacked to bring them back down. Crabs in buckets is a phrase that describes individuals undermining others who try to succeed. These negative cultural traits undermine performance and engagement."

**"Crab Mentality is derived from a pattern of behaviour observed in crabs when trapped in a bucket. Any time a crab attempts to escape, the other crabs will immediately pull it back down to their misery and the group's collective demise."

* Quora.com lol yes I'm quoting Quora deal with I'm tiredI did my best

** Chriamillas.com

Idk like my posts or send a message or something if you appreciate the rambling/resonate at all lol cos despite my radical self-love/acceptance sometimes I feel like the most annoying girl on Tumblr that everyone's vagueblogging/complaining about in the same tags I use (I have actually come across people talking about me I think but like who really knows what's just paranoia/anxiety or just that maybe people really are just mean) or bullying me on TikTok. I guess that's the perks of the internet tho huh. And I can't seem to access community mental health support these days apparently so I blog instead. Make the mental health system make sense please somebody people be out here begging for help only to be left until they reach crisis point (Ambulance at the Bottom of the Hill is a whole other post in itself, so let's not get into that and move onto getting this nap underway before the day advances any more)

[andorerso]

secret love song

Princess of Lah'mu, Jyn Erso, is sick of pining after her royal bodyguard. So there's only one solution, really. Thrust into him into the arms of another.

(Certainly, she's had better ideas.)

“You should dance with her,” Jyn says when Cassian approaches her for the first time that evening. No doubt hoping to ask her for a dance instead.

Jyn knows that he doesn’t care much for this sort of dancing – he’s always preferred the lethal sort of two steel swords clashing together. But he’s polite enough to ask anyway, at every ball, without fail, for one dance. Only one because Cassian never wants more than what he can have and because Jyn always has someone else to dance with, some other aristocrat to entertain.

But it doesn’t matter; to Jyn, her one dance with Cassian is always the highlight of her night.

Now, she’s too frustrated—upset to dance with him. It’s better if she puts some distance between them. She thinks she’s going to embarrass herself if he comes too close.

“With who?” Cassian inquires, confusion written across his handsome face.

Jyn nods towards the lady, dressed in wine purple, brown hair elegantly twisted up in a bun, not unlike her own. She stands next to the grandiose fountain in the middle of the room, pretending to gossip and giggle with her friends, but Jyn sees her glancing at Cassian every couple of minutes like a moth drawn to a flame.

Helena Krennic is the daughter of Orson Krennic, who is co-owner of the Lah’mu Railways Company and founder of Krennic Bank, therefore a very important individual that she must impress – according to her royal advisor, at least. Helena herself is an accomplished pianist, an esteemed painter, an occasional poet, and an admirer of Cassian Andor, apparently.

Cassian swivels in the direction Jyn gestured towards, his frown deepening.

“Why?”

“Because she’s been looking at you all night,” Jyn answers, relieved to hear that her voice is not quite as bitter as she feared it would be. Yet, she can’t completely hide the contempt either.

“I haven’t noticed,” he says, and she knows he’s being honest. When it comes to battle, nothing escapes his attention, but with the ladies, he’s hopeless.

(Has he noticed that Jyn, too, has been looking at him since she was fifteen? No, he has not. Or perhaps he’d thought her crush childish. Perhaps he hadn’t realized that as she grew up, so did her feelings for him. She’s no longer a young girl admiring her older, braver, skillful royal bodyguard. She’s a woman who’s fallen in love with the forbidden fruit.)

She knows Helena isn’t to blame – Jyn has no claim on Cassian, who is a handsome young man, and whose noble job of protecting the princess made him even more appealing to certain people. Ladies have noticed him before. And while some find his background and lowborn status disagreeable, others deem it a testament of talent and ambition that he could rise as far as to be Jyn Erso’s royal bodyguard at such a young age. Rags to riches is an appealing fairytale. And Helena appears to be a fan of fairytales.

Jyn hates Helena for that. She hates herself for wanting Cassian, and she hates Cassian for being so damn wantable and for not wanting her back. Or if he does, for not showing it. Most of all, she hates the world they live in, and she hates the universe for making her a princess but making Cassian a nobody. It would be an impossible love affair.

“She’s the daughter of Orson Krennic,” Jyn pushes, metaphorically thrusting him into Helena’s arms because she finds it the most reasonable option – letting go of Cassian so he can belong to somebody else. Perhaps then she could learn to let go of her feelings as well.

There, have him, she imagines saying to Helena. The princess gives you her blessing. Have him, just don’t let me have him.

“You’re being impolite,” Jyn continues, throwing him a stern look. “Go and dance with her before she takes offense and tells her father that the princess employs a royal bodyguard with no manners. Queen’s orders.”

There’s a laugh in Cassian’s voice, only because he doesn’t quite realize the extent of her turmoil.

“You’re not queen yet,” he reminds her.

“But I am your boss,” she answers, leaving no room for argument. Cassian seems amused, not subdued, but he leaves as requested and asks Helena Krennic for a dance.

xxx

Jyn expected Cassian would dance with Helena once, maybe twice if she’s pushy, and then make his way back to her or blend into the background as he usually does at these gatherings. But he’s danced with her four times before retreating to a secluded corner, next to a painting of Jyn’s grandmother, where they stand even now. Conversing intimately with each other. Intimately, on Helena’s end, at least. Cassian’s expression is smooth, a mask, but Jyn has known him long enough to recognize that he is less than thrilled with the situation.

She’s watched them as she twirled on the dance floor, making polite conversation with men of power and great importance. She’s seen the way Helena pressed herself tightly against Cassian as they danced, and the way she played with her hair and leaned closer to whisper something to him as they talked. Jyn has sent him into the lion’s den, it seems, and Cassian could not find his way out.

So maybe she feels a bit guilty. Or angry. Or regretful, even. Whatever it is, between two dances with insufferable statesmen, Jyn makes her way over to the not so lovely couple and politely requests Cassian’s presence for a dance. Helena can’t say no even if she wants to. (And, no doubt, she wants to.)

Jyn knows it’s not exactly traditional for a woman to ask a man to dance, and she knows it will fuel gossip and scandalize the aristocracy, but she doesn’t care. She owes it Cassian to rescue him from Helena, and –

She changed her mind. She can’t let the other woman have him after all.

She pushed him towards Helena but she did it in anger, in desperation, in hopelessness. Seeing them together cleared up her mind. If she thought it would help her move on, she was sorely mistaken.

Cassian is relieved as he leads her to the dance floor but only Jyn sees the way his expression loosens. He doesn’t question her erratic behavior. Seconds pass in silence, Jyn trying to ignore how warm his hands are on her waist. How nice he smells. How right it feels to be held by him. How, if she squints, he almost looks like he wants her too.

She breaks the quiet when the song is nearing its end, knowing she’ll be soon swept away by someone else.

“Did you enjoy conversing with Lady Helena?”

There’s not much bite in her words anymore – Cassian’s embrace has mellowed her anger – but he still raises his eyebrows at her.

“I’d rather have conversed with two rabid dogs.”

Jyn’s snort is positively unladylike but his lips quirk at the sound. Her mood brightens.

“But you know this,” Cassian adds, dark eyes searching hers.

“Well, I just thought...” She shakes her head. The song comes to a halt but neither of them lets go. “I don’t know what I thought. But she’s very pretty, wouldn’t you say?”

“Jyn –”

Cassian is interrupted before he could say more and Jyn turns with a fake smile towards the newcomer – no other than Lord Krennic himself. Cassian bows, excusing himself, but Jyn feels his eyes lingering on her as he retreats into the shadows.

xxx

She doesn’t see him again until she’s back in her suite. Cassian waits for her in her sitting room, his cravat gone, his vest unbuttoned. Jyn felt dreadfully tired as she made her way up the stairs, her eyelids heavy, her feet aching – but now, seeing Cassian in front of her, she perks up. She could spare him another hour of conversation before retiring for the day. Especially since she’s barely seen him today at all.

“You’re in luck,” Jyn remarks as she plops down on a recliner opposite of him, hiking up her dress to remove her shoes. She massages her sore feet, wondering what it would take to convince Cassian to do it for her. Dancing all night really takes its toll on one’s legs – by the end of the night, she could barely stand.

“Lord Krennic doesn’t want a ‘strange figure like you’ around her only daughter. He’s tried to subtly persuade me to call you off, I think. As if you were my dog or something, can you believe it?” Jyn huffs, even though, yes, she can believe it, and so can Cassian. “In any case, I doubt Helena could pursue a relationship with you now. Even she has to realize that.”

Cassian scowls. He looks good like this, still in his fancy attire but comfortably messy instead of exceptionally neat. Jyn likes the way his shirt crumples up and the way his hair falls into his eyes. The way he leans back against the couch with leisure. He looks like Cassian now, not like one of the detestable dukes she’s had to endure this evening.

“Oh, don’t take offense,” she adds at his frown. “Krennic is a hateful man, he’s always been.”

Her blood had boiled at the way Krennic had spoken of Cassian – but she doesn’t want him to be upset now. Krennic doesn’t matter. Even the royal advisor doesn’t matter. She would always, always pick Cassian. (And if that makes her a terrible future queen… well. An issue for a different day.)

“I don’t care what Orson Krennic, or her daughter thinks of me,” Cassian says, his voice low. “I just don’t understand why we are talking about her again.”

She shrugs. “I thought you might want to know that she won’t be bothering you anymore.”

“I wasn’t very afraid of that.”

“Good then.” She nods, and they fall into a silence less comfortable than it usually is with Cassian. He seems calm as he observes her but Jyn feels her skin itch under his gaze. Does he see that when he looks at her? Can he sense her heart beating faster every time he’s in her vicinity? How much does he, her formidable royal bodyguard, truly notice?

“Jyn,” he drawls her name, a question in his voice. She looks up at him instinctively. “You’ve been acting strange.”

She swallows, trying to evade the question. “Have I?”

He nods. “Positively.”

“Strange how?”

“Strange about this Lady Helena business,” he says. He’s so calm, so in contrast with Jyn’s growing nerves. He’s figured her out. Hasn’t he? Of course he has. Cassian knows her too well. “If I had to take a guess, I’d say you were jealous of her.”

“I wasn’t,” she says – too fast. An amateur move. Is she trying to be caught? Part of her wouldn’t even be surprised. “Why would I be?”

A smile plays on his lips. Small but genuine. A far cry from his other smiles; polite, disarming, reassuring – all fake. She’s one of the few people who get to see his real smiles. She always feels pity for the rest of the world who will never know how beautiful it can truly be.

“I don’t understand why you should be either,” he says, rising from his place. Jyn remains seated, staring up at him as he walks closer. “You know I only have eyes for you.”

It’s not true, she’s never known – but he says it like a confession that she can’t misinterpret. It’s not a platonic statement, it’s not even because of his job as her royal bodyguard. It’s too… intimate for that. He means it the same way she only has eyes for him – exclusively, faithfully, admiringly.

Jyn’s heart stops for what feels like too long before it begins pounding in her chest. The shaky breath she lets out is audible in the quiet room, full of tenderness, longing and hope. She finally stands too, her aching feet forgotten.

“Do I?” she counters quietly, her eyes trained on his.

In a rare moment of vulnerability, Cassian allows his feelings to show on his face, allows her to read him like a book. What stands out most is devotion – so strong and absolute, it nearly knocks her off her feet.

“I hoped you did,” he says, his voice honest and gentle.

“I didn’t,” she answers but her lips curve up.

“My mistake. I shall make it clear from now.”

Cassian reaches up, so slow like he expects her to object, fingering the golden barrette in her hair. He hesitates for a moment before removing it, his thumb catching on her cheek. Her hair cascades down her shoulders, brown locks framing her face, Cassian combing through them with his fingers.

“I like your hair down,” he tells her. Such a simple thing to say, but Jyn can’t hold herself back anymore. She reaches up to kiss him, gasping into his mouth as his hand wraps around her waist. It’s a quick but intense thing, stealing the breath from her lungs, making her tremble in his arms.

She pulls away to look him in the eye, voice low and insistent.

“Tell me again that you want me. And don’t ever let me forget.”