#i think it's safe to say that 99% of parents EXPECT and even DEMAND for a cis kid

[uncanny-tranny]

If I ever become a parent, I think I'd probably hold off on those gender reveal parties until the kid tells me what they are, and like... nothing would change afterwards obviously, but it's an excuse to eat a cake and give them gifts, plus it's a nice memory that I wouldn't have had if the reveal was held before they even had a chance to speak for themself.

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Training Day

AMHL – Masterlist

WARNINGS: PTSD, domestic violence & abuse, panic attack, anxiety 

“I feel like you’re torturing me now,” Y/N groaned as she put the bar back down on the bench press.

Dick chuckled. “You gotta gain some strength before I teach you, otherwise you’re just going to hurt yourself.”

“You callin’ me fat, Grayson?”

His eyes grew three sizes and his jaw dropped in shock. “No, no, no, no, no. I would never!”

Then he jumped into a tangent about how beautiful he was and he loved her for how she looked and never wanted her to change, unless that’s what she wanted. And it went on and on and on.

Y/N finally took pity on him and started laughing.

“Dick, I’m just fucking with you.”

He pointed an accusatory finger at her. “That was cruel.”

But she only laughed more.

“10 pushups for that,” he demanded.

Her jaw dropped. “Noooo!”

“Yeah. Come on.”

She did as he instructed, knowing she did kind of deserve it.

Afterward, he led her to the training mats. They had done weight training for about 30 minutes or so, and Dick insisted that was going to be a big part of all this. He was right: some of the self-defense moves would only hurt her if she didn’t prep her body.

But when Dick turned to find Y/N standing at the ready on the other side, his tough-love coaching style disappeared.

She looked so small and fragile, clearly nervous for the actual fight training.

Sometimes Dick forgot that Y/N wasn’t like his family or his teammates. She didn’t graduate from field work to sitting behind a computer. Hacking and computer science was her first and only exposure to this life.

“What?” She asked.

“Nothing. You just…look nervous.”

“I am,” she admitted.

With that, Dick walked across the mat and planted a kiss on her lips.

He stepped back with a smile, “Ready?”

She beamed at him and nodded.

For the next half hour or so, Dick taught Y/N all the basics of self defense: how to get out of holds, where to hit an attacker for the most impact, and how to prevent herself from getting injured in the process.

“Things are going to be quicker in real life. You’re going to have to get over the feeling of panic and calm yourself down enough to properly react,” Dick explained.

Y/N nodded with her back to him as she returned to her spot on the other side of the training mats.

But she didn’t reach it before Dick surprised her with a chokehold from behind her.

Before now, Dick had been walking her through moves step by step. But he clearly was trying to prove the point that she would most likely not be expecting these attacks. And he wanted her to get used to reacting to the surprise of it all.

Except…Dick didn’t think this training tactic completely through.

Dick hadn’t taken into account that his student and girlfriend was also a victim of domestic violence.

Since she first escaped from underneath her parents’ roof, Y/N’s had improved a lot when it came to treating and handling her PTSD.

It used to be so much worse.

Loud noises would throw her into panic attacks. People just lightly touching her without her expecting it made her jump feet away. Anytime she got a whiff of alcohol that smelled even a little bit similar to her father’s preferred brand could set her off.

Over the years, it got better.

Therapy helped. Dick helped – his whole family had helped.

But Y/N knew it would always be there, waiting inside her.

And in this moment, it decided to reveal itself once again.

Y/N’s vision blurred. All she could hear was her heartbeat making its way to her ears.

It wasn’t until her entire body was trembling that Dick realized something was wrong.

He let go.

But before he even completely let go, Y/N dodged away so quickly that she almost tripped over her own feet.

She whipped around, eyes so wide. Like a deer facing a hunter, fully aware it was about to be slaughtered.  

And Dick realized how much he just fucked up.  

Without even realizing what she was doing, Y/N slowly lowered herself to the ground, not trusting that her knees to not give out at any moment.

“Y/N,” Dick whispered desperately.

It was hearing how sorry he was already that made Y/N’s eyes fill with tears.

As soon as she was shakily lowered to the ground, she hugged her knees to her chest and hid her face in them.

“Can we stop?” She begged, as if she had no choice and Dick had complete control.

Her voice and sob was muffled by her knees.

“Yes, we’re stopping,” Dick immediately answered with a clear voice. "You’re safe. Nothing’s going to hurt you.”

But Y/N only nodded, not helping to convince Dick that his words comforted her in the slightest. 

Her entire body was trembling as she continued to squeeze her knees as tightly as she could.

Dick kneeled but didn’t move any closer to her.

“Can I…Please…Can I touch you?” He whispered.

But she shook her head.

Not because she didn’t want him to, but because she felt like she had no control over her body right now. And she had no idea how it was going to react to being touched again. 

And she was already mortified and confused and terrified.

“OK,” Dick sighed as he lowered himself to the mat as well. “I’m just going to sit here. OK? I’m not going to get anywhere near you.”

Y/N didn’t respond. But her body was still clearly trembling.

“Can you just breath for me?” Dick asked softly. "Deep breaths in, slow breaths out.”

She still doesn’t respond. But he can hear her trying to do as he asked.

Dick didn’t think he should say any more, worried that his talking was just making the whole situation worse. But then he remembered a tactic Bruce had taught him to console victims who were going into shock or scared of them.

“Can you count backwards from 100 with me?” He then asked.

“What?” She sputtered out, confusedly.

But it was good that she was clearly able to even process that he was talking to her.

“Countdown from 100,” he repeated gently. “100, 99, 98,” he started.

She eventually joined in.

When they reached 1, Y/N went quiet again.

It seemed to have worked. 

After a few minutes, Y/N finally stood up.

“I-I’m s-s-sorry,” she whispered quickly, but it was so quiet that Dick almost didn’t catch it.

The next second, she rushed out of the cave.

Now that her PTSD had calmed down, she was clearly embarrassed.

“Y/N! Wait!” Dick called after her in a panic and jogged after her.

When they got to the main part of the manor and Y/N reached the stairs to go to the second floor, she had flown past a very confused and concerned Bruce Wayne.

Dick paused when Y/N sprinted up the stairs with her eyes blood shot and cheeks tear stained.

“What did you do, Dick?” Bruce grunted, not even considering that it could also possibly be Y/N’s fault.

Dick sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. “I was showing her some self-defense…and I…I trigged her PTSD and she had a panic attack.”

“You need to be more careful,” Bruce reprimanded.

“I know, I know. It was stupid.” Dick already knew he messed up.

Bruce remained disappointed by Dick’s mistake.

“I’m going to go check on her,” Dick mumbled and passed Bruce with his head hung.

Dick returned to his childhood room, the one they always stayed in while visiting. 

The shower was already running.

He figured he should give her some time to herself and not rush into the bathroom.

Y/N was most likely crying and wanted to hide it from him. Even though she already realized Dick would know that’s exactly what she was doing.

10 minutes later, Y/N came out of the bathroom with a cloud of steam and a white towel wrapped tightly around her.

Dick’s heart broke even more when he saw her red, bloodshot eyes.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, desperate for her forgiveness.

He should’ve realized that certain things in typical self-defense training could trigger her.

Bruce had taught him to always expect the unexpected. And Y/N’s PTSD should’ve be expected while he put her under such a tense and rigorous circumstance.

Y/N hung her head in shame. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Dick.”

Her voice was so small, so vulnerable. Dick had to hold his breath to hear it.

“Y/N, you have nothing to be embarrassed about,” he insisted and he slowly stood up from the edge of the bed.

Dick wanted to go to her, but he was so scared of making things worse.

“Will you please come here?” He finally asked in a whisper.

She practically tiptoed to her boyfriend, while she held her towel tightly to her body as if it were some kind of armor.

As soon as Y/N was a few inches away, Dick gently tugged her onto his lap.

He was a very tactile man, and not being able to give her physical comfort was slowly killing him. And he felt utterly useless to help her.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed or sorry. I knew better than to surprise you like that. I was an idiot. What happened was my fault, OK?”

She nodded slowly.

Eventually his words would get through to her.

“Can you still train me?”

Y/N finally shocked Dick with her question.

“Of course, Y/N. Let’s just take it slower next time. I promise to be more careful.”

She nodded quickly, fully believing him and trusting him.

Now he put his arms around her, holding her to him tightly.

Dick had always been protective over her. But when she showed signs of being triggered, he went full mama bear on her. But that was also Dick as a person. He was so caring of everyone in his life. He was a big brother, a leader, a stand-in father sometimes even. 

But it often led to Y/N’s guilt when Dick felt the need to treat her like a piece of glass. But sometimes…she was. And that was OK.

“Wanna get to sleep?” He muttered into her hair.

She nodded again.

Dick carefully moved her from his lap and placed her on the bed before he stood.

Y/N watched with love in her eyes as Dick moved around the room and grabbed some of his clothes to give to her to sleep in.

What had she done to deserve him?

“I’ll give you a minute,” Dick told her as he handed the clothes to her. 

Not that he hadn’t seen her naked hundreds of times before. He was just treading carefully now. 

“Want some tea?” He asked as he walked to the door. 

“Sure,” she agreed quietly.

When Dick returned with two cups of tea, Y/N was already underneath the covers of their bed.

Dick watched Y/N as she took her first sip.

“You want to talk about it?” He was ever so careful in his tone, making sure it was obvious that Y/N didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want to.

“There’s not much to tell,” she admitted with a shrug.

“That’s alright though.”

Y/N sighed. “As fucked up as it sounds, I sometimes forget about all the things he used to do to me.” 

She chuckled darkly, “Guess that’s repression for ya.”

Dick winced slightly.

“He used to grab me by the throat. Constantly. Because he hated whenever I tried to talk back or fight him with words. So he made sure I couldn’t talk at all. It was all about control.”

Despite being trigged and having a panic attack earlier, Y/N talked about her tragic past without any emotion, and it sounded so casually. She was numb to the memories, but the scars manifested themselves in different ways now – and that was proven today.

Y/N looked up when Dick hadn’t said anything.

She was taken aback by how he looked as if he was going to be sick.

“I’m fine, Dick. Really.” She insisted as she cupped his cheek.

It hurt Dick to hear these things more than it hurt Y/N now. 

“You were dealing with your past all by yourself long before you met me,” Dick answered. “But I just need you to know I’m never going to let anything like that ever happen to you again.”

He took in a shaky breath. “Even if – fuck – even if something happened between us, and we weren’t together…I’d still keep you safe. Do you understand?”

Y/N smiled.

Oh, Dick. His gentleness never stopped amazing her.

“I know that, Dick. I’ve always known that.”

Before he could answer, she added, “Now enough talking. Can you just cuddle me now?”

Dick laughed at her demanding and teasing tone.

“Get over here,” he pulled her into his chest.

Soon his grasp was so soothing to Y/N’s body that she reached the ultimate level of relaxation, especially after being drained from her earlier panic.

Y/N felt Dick kiss the top of her head before she fell asleep in his arms.

–––––––––––––––––––

ALL BONUS CONTENT CAN BE FOUND: HERE

[ask-hunterxhunter]

How would the adult trio handle their s/o having post partum depression after giving birth?

Hisoka

Hisoka wouldn’t know exactly how to act when first noticing there’s something with you (which would be soon, giving his perceptive nature) because it’s likely that he has no clue of what is going on. Yes, he may be good at reading people’s emotional states, but this is more connected to his fighting skills. Even if it isn’t the case with you, well, it doesn’t mean he can understand what the problem is with no basis or information, per say. He is perceptive, not a mind reader. Likely, he’ll first consider this one of those “woman things”, maybe an effect of giving birth or of the months you spent carrying the baby…

An idea he’ll soon put aside. Many times, people may not realize at all that someone they live with is suffering from depression. Hisoka? Possible, but doubtful. And yes, living with someone who is depressive(no matter the sort) might be complicated and Hisoka will be frustrated,but more because he’s sensing that there is something wrong, something is harming you and he can’t figure out exactly what it is.

 While there is the chance Hisoka will figure it out by himself (especially if he heard about post-partum depression, like while you were pregnant), if he doesn’t, then he will either try being subtle whenasking about it and, if that fails, he will be way more direct (read: Sitting with you, looking you in the eyes, and asking what is happening). If you can’t answer (because even you isn’t sure of how to explain it) or don’t want to, Hisoka will have two reactions: Doing some research himself or dragging you to a doctor (the first option seems preferable to Mr.I-Can-Deal-With-Everything-By-Myself-Because-I’m-A-Lone-Wolf, but the moment he figures things out, well, fine, he will get his coat. Hisoka isn’t dumb enough to dismiss something so serious like that).

 However things go, it remains that Hisoka won’t just sit back and watch your condition get worse, though. Anyone else, he wouldn’t give a damn, but we’re talking about you, someone (perhaps the only one) Hisoka loves. Maybe he isn’t the best when it comes down to taking care of someone else or offering the necessary support this condition demands, but hell if he won’t do his best. Surprisingly, due to Hisoka’s view that it’s only “the two of you” (and the baby now) and how perceptive he can be (well,now that he knows what is happening), his actions would really show he’s therefor you. It’s not in his nature to ignore facts, so he won’t act as if the depression will just heal itself or go away.

 Would he be perfect in this situation? No, because no one is. But he would try, enough so most people would actually be shocked,considering Hisoka is… Well… Hisoka.

 Illumi

 Look, Illumi is not a great person when it comes to matters of the heart, so his ignorance may make him seem cold towards the issue. He might notice that you’re depressed (or at least, that something strange is going on, depending on how you act), but even if he does, well, it will be one of those times when his sort of logic doesn’t help the situation: The baby is healthy, you’re together, everything is fine… So what reason could you have to be sad? He may even say something insensitive, but it’s not out of malice (not that it helps): It’s pure ignorance.

 That doesn’t mean Illumi will keep this behavior once he notices you seem to be having bad days lately (or things get bad enough that it ends up being noticeable even to him). Offering comfort is not his strong suit, but he will try to discover what is going on and how he should help you. He may take you to the doctor, believing that you caught some illness (well, one might say that you did).

 Another possible scenario is that his mother might see what is going on (or anyone else who knows about post-partum depression) and tell him, as this isn’t a matter of “weakness” of any kind and not something a person just “gets over with”. A brief explanation will be enough for Illumi to do some research of his own.

 In this case, whether he will talk to you about i tor not will depend on your personality, but again, this is Illumi we’re talking about it, so it’s hard to say how much this may help or not. He will, however, try to help you on his own first, even if he’s a little unsure of how to do it (again,matters of the heart are not his strong suit) so he may try asking his mother for some advice. However it goes, he will try to be more understanding of the issue. He may do things that tend to cheer you up, perhaps leave the baby with his parents one night so you two can have a romantic dinner, things like that.

 If Illumi notices it doesn’t seem to be helping,then he will take you to a doctor (in this case, he didn’t do it right away mostly because he believed he could help you by himself).

Chrollo

Chrollo might be the one most likely to notice whatis going on, for several reasons. First off, he would probably read a lot aboutpregnancy (due to his lifestyle, he would want to be prepared for any eventuality,especially if something happened while he couldn’t take you to a doctor, thoughhe would do his best so that wouldn’t happen), perhaps even getting some helpfrom Macchi and Pakunoda at times (like when you start to get cravings and hehas absolutely no idea if it’s normal for you to suddenly want to mix ice creamand French fries) while you’re expecting.  

 Hell, considering the conditions of Meteor City, Iwouldn’t be surprised if a few mothers there suffer from post-partum depression,so the city has a better awareness of it.

 As such, he may at least be aware of the symptoms. Youmay have discussed this while you were pregnant as well (again, just to besafe). All of this may make Chrollo a little better prepared and more attentiveto the signs than Hisoka or Illumi. You may not tell him at first (it doesn’tmatter if it’s your husband, friends, or family, it’s not always easy to talkabout depression. At times, the person may not even notice it right away theyhave it), but Chrollo has not got where he is without being observant. Yes,like with Hisoka and Illumi, depending on how exactly things happen, he may notnotice right away but he will soon.

 He is likely to talk with you as soon as he feelsthere is something wrong, while also thinking about what he may do to help you.Yes, he probably read about it as well, but in the end, it’s one thing to readand talk about something like depression, dealing with it in real life isanother.

 He would already have made preparations to lay lowfor a while, as he would want to be with you during those first months (no onewho ever fought Chrollo would believe their eyes when seeing him playing withthe baby, trust me), so he would dedicate this time to you and the baby, which mayhelp with dealing with the depression. Now, living with someone who suffers fromdepression is not always easy, but Chrollo would try to do whatever he could soyou two would get through it.

[sweetiepie08]

The Musician with Poison Tears (Chapter 2)

Miguel Rivera’s been fascinated by the story of the legendary ghost, the Musician with Poison Tears, since he was a kid. He’s always wanted to know the full story behind the weeping specter that haunts the train station with its invisible guitar. Now 18, the travels to Mexico City to try to observe the ghost from afar and get some clues about its origin. Who knows? He might even get a song out of it.

This story is based on the art and ghost!au created by @melcecilia14​. Go check out her artwork here, here, here, and here. It’s really awesome.

Chapter 1. Chapter 2. Chapter 3. Chapter 4. Chapter 5. Chapter 6. Chapter 7. Chapter 8. Chapter 9. Chapter 10. Epilogue.

Bonus.

Miguel placed his song book in his suitcase, did a quick mental check to make sure he had everything, and closed the lid. He and his cousins Rosa and Abel were going to Mexico City for a week. They were staying with Miguel’s grandparents on his mother’s side to supposedly spend time together. Miguel, however, had an ulterior motive. He placed the suitcase on the floor and grabbed his guitar case next. He opened it up just to take one more peek at the instrument. He bought it when he was fifteen with his own money. He needed a new one after Abuelita found and subsequently smashed the one crafted himself. He saved up shoeshine money and birthday gifts for 3 years. It wasn’t the flashiest or most expensive guitar, but he loved it because it was his. He managed to keep this one hidden better, but it was eventually found. At least Abuelita didn’t smash it. She respected the work and savings he put into earning it too much. Instead, she demanded he sell it. He never did. He took it to a friend’s house, asked that he keep it until the heat died down, then snuck it back in. It wasn’t until a week ago that he revealed he still had it.

He was 18 now, and a fresh graduate from preparatoria. The day after his graduation, he announced that, not only was he accepted into the Conservatorio Nacional de Musica, but he was also the recipient of the Ernesto de la Cruz Memorial Scholarship given out by the de la Cruz estate to one talented aspiring musician every year. He’d expected a fight, in fact he prepared for a fight. He even made notecards for himself so that he could rehearse every logical argument he had about why they should support his musical dream. Of course it snowballed into a knock-down-drag-out the likes of which the Rivera household hadn’t seen since 1932 when Mama Coco was caught dancing in the Plaza with a strange boy. Said strange boy eventually grew up to be her husband, but that was beside the point.

It was a battle of the generations. Miguel vs Abuelita, Papa Franco, and his parents. His aunts and uncle didn’t say much, but it was obvious by their disapproving stares whose side they were on. Rosa and Abel both tried to back Miguel up. Abel argued that Miguel was exceptionally talented and should be encouraged. Rosa argued that being a musician didn’t necessarily mean abandoning your family. She then rattled off a list of famous musicians who were close with their families and never had a single scandal. “Besides,” she added, “he sucks at making shoes anyway.” However, they backed off when it came to light that they aided in Miguel’s covert auditions.

Both learned about Miguel’s musical talent years earlier having separately come across him practicing in secret. Abel’s reaction basically amounted to “That’s so cool. Where did you learn to do that? What do you mean you taught yourself? Show me!” Rosa didn’t say anything, but gave him a withering stare. He was sure it was all over and avoided the rest of his family for most of the day. It wasn’t until he reluctantly sat down for dinner and received nothing but the usual “Why don’t you eat more? This is why you’re so skinny” chides from Abuelita that he realized he was not about to be killed. When he asked Rosa about it later, she admitted that, while she disapproved of him directly disobeying the familial laws, (God, why did she always have to talk like a lawyer?) she did respect the obvious hard work he put into his craft. Over the next few years, the two of them became the only members of his family he could play for and get feedback from. Finally, when Miguel told them he wanted to audition to study music, they concocted a plan. They told their family that they were going on a “cousins’ weekend,” borrowed the truck, and drove up to Mexico City. He managed to schedule his auditions for both the Conservatorio and the de la Cruz people in the same whirlwind weekend. When they got home, their family was non-the-wiser.

The fight boiled over when Abuelita threated to smash the guitar just like she had the last one. Miguel blocked her way and told her it wasn’t there. As a forethought, he hid it at a friend’s house again, so she couldn’t get at it if it got to that point. He refused to tell her where it was. Everyone became angrier with him and started shouting at the same time. He couldn’t remember what set him off, but he finally shouted back “Maybe great-great grandfather was right to leave!”

The family stopped all at once. Stunned silence suffocated the air. His mother couldn’t look at him. His father demanded he apologize immediately. Worst of all was Abuelita. The hurt in her face was clear. She couldn’t even muster the strength to take off her shoe. Miguel had never seen her like this. She only let out a defeated breath and walked out of the room. She hasn’t spoken to him since.  

Miguel shut the guitar case and set it down by the dresser. When he straightened up, he paused to look at the picture he kept on top. It was a photo of himself and Mama Coco taken on her 99th and final birthday. He crouched by her wheelchair, and showed off his dimple while Mama Coco beamed in her pink party hat. Right next to it, he kept the last gift he ever received from her. She died before she could give it to him. She passed away a week before his 13th birthday and they found the gift while they sorted through her things. It was a small rectangle carefully wrapped in red paper with a little yellow bow on top. A card displaying his name in her shaky handwriting proved it was his. He never opened it and he never planned to.  

“Mama Coco, I messed up real bad,” he admitted to the picture. “I know they don’t want me to be a musician but it’s my life. It’s what I’m good at. It’s what I love to do. Why can’t they just accept that?” Miguel sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Still, I shouldn’t have said that to Abuelita. I took it too far. I know, I know. I need to apologize, even if she disapproves.” But she could also stand to apologize to me.

Miguel picked up his bags and headed out the door. His parents stood in the hallway waiting for him. “All packed?” his mother asked, all the usual joy and nurturing gone from her voice. The tension still lingered from the fight the week before.  She pulled him into the most impersonal hug a mother could give, which is to say, not all that impersonal, but still had an underlying discomfort to it.

“You, uh, have a safe trip,” his father said, patting him on the back. “And try to talk to your Abuelita before you leave.”

Miguel nodded and shuffled down the hallway to the living room. He could hear Abuelita’s favorite telenovela on the tv. When he peaked his head in, he saw her watching with the same sour look on her face she wore all week. He set his bags down by the door, took a long, deep breath, and stepped in with all the ease and eagerness of a man about to face a firing squad. “Abuelita,” he called, as he tip-toed up to her chair.  “Abuelita, no one’s been telling me to eat all week. I think I got even skinnier…” She shifted her head just enough to give him the tiniest glance, then went back to her program. Miguel sighed and approached her. He knelt down beside her recliner the way a peasant knelt before his queen. “I’m leaving, Abuelita. I’ll be gone for a week. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

Her eyes slid in his direction, but she said nothing.

“I know you’re still mad about the whole musician thing, but it’ll be okay. I’ll be home all the time, you’ll see… except when class is in session, then I’ll be staying with Abuela Josephina and Abuelo Roberto. You know, Mama’s parents?” She gave him back a blank stare. “Come on, you know them. You kick Papa Roberto’s ass at poker every Christmas? They may not be in Santa Cecilia, but they’re still family.”

She gave him the slightest turn of her head.

Miguel let out a breath. He was all out of words for her. He knew what she wanted. She wanted him to throw out his guitar, forfeit his acceptance to the Conservatorio and the scholarship, and apologize for ever considering becoming a musician in the first place. Well, that wasn’t going to happen. He worked too hard for those things. Why couldn’t she at least respect the work he put in like Rosa had? Why couldn’t she just support him?

Still, he didn’t want to leave her on a bad note. Fortunately, he had another trick up his sleeve. “I know what’ll cheer you up,” he said, taking off his own boot. She looked over, apparently curious about what he was about to do next. Well, here goes nothing. One… two… On the mental count of thee, he smacked himself in the face with his own boot. As he looked up and rubbed his sore cheek, he saw Abuelita forcing her lips closed, defiantly holding back a snicker. “Careful Abuelita, you almost smiled there.” He hazarded a kiss on the cheek and got out unscathed. “I’ll be back in a week. I promise.” With that, he got up and headed out the door.

His next stop was the courtyard where his baby sister, Coco, was furiously at work with her crayons. He announced his presence by picking up a spare piece of paper and placing it on her head. She reached up when she felt the impromptu hat land on her head and turned to see her brother standing behind her. “Miguel!” she gasped, throwing herself onto her artwork. “Don’t look! It’s not ready!”

“Aw, Coco, are you making that for me?” he asked, leaning in to sneak a peek.

“I said don’t look!”

“Sorry.” He turned away and used his hand to shield his eyes. He waited patiently and listened to the sound of crayon scribbling against the paper until she announced that it was done. He turned back to see her proudly holding her crayon magnum opus. “It’s beautiful,” he said, taking it gingerly in his hands. “Another masterpiece. It belongs in the Lourve.”

“That’s you and that’s me,” she said, pointing at the two humanoid figures. The shorter one had her trademark pigtails and the taller one had his shaggy hair and soul patch. Her little finger moved up to a smiling yellow ball in the corner. “And the sun is happy because you’re home.” Her face suddenly fell and she sunk down on the bench. “You’re not leaving forever, are you?”

“Oh, Coco no.” He set aside his bags, placed the drawing back on the table, and scooped Coco onto his lap. “I’m just going on a trip with Rosa and Abel for a week. We’re staying with Mama Josephina and Papa Roberto. I’ll be back soon.”

“But I heard Abuelita arguing with Mama and Papa. They said…”

“Never mind what they said. There’s no reason I can’t be a musician and see you all the time. Plenty of other people do it.”

“But when you’re at music school, you won’t be here,” she sulked.

“No, but how about this?” He shifted Coco so that she could see his face better. “When I get my class schedule, you and I will pick out a time that we can have a FaceTime date. Would you like that?”

“I guess,” she mumbled as she flopped bonelessly against his chest. “It won’t be the same.”

“No, it won’t be exactly the same,” he conceded, “but you’ll still see me all the time, I promise.”

Coco hardened her face and, for a second there, looked just like Abuelita laying down the lay. “You’d better.”

“Anything you say.” He heard Abel firing up the truck and placed Coco back on the bench. “I’ve got to go now. Hug for the road?” He held out his arms and she flung herself into them. “I’ll be back soon, Coco. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

He set Coco down and headed out to Abel’s truck. Rosa was already in the passenger seat, so Miguel threw his suitcase in the truck bed and climbed in the back. “Still planning on writing that ghost song?” Abel asked, spotting the guitar case by Miguel’s side in the rearview.

“Yup,” he chirped, fastening his seatbelt.

“You’re really gonna spend a good chunk of this vacation ghost hunting in a train station?” Rosa rolled her eyes, but Miguel paid her no mind.

“Sure am.” He’d let it slip earlier that he wanted to visit Buenevista Station. People might think it’s crazy to go on a trip to a train station, but Miguel had his reasons. That train station housed the legendary Musician with Poison Tears. The spirit was Miguel’s life-long obsession, apart from Ernesto de la Cruz that is. He wanted to see it for himself. He felt a formless song churning in the back of his mind. He wanted to write it, needed to write it. There was something stuck in his brain and he needed to get it out.

Rosa sighed and shook her head. She never did get on board with the whole ghosts-existing belief. Abel gave one last wave goodbye to the family and pulled the truck away. No radio. Just because Miguel openly defied the music ban didn’t meant anyone else was up to the task.

Miguel rolled down his window and let the wind blast him in the face. At least it was something other than silence. He felt a beat in him from the roll of the truck and he tapped it out on his guitar case. Now that they brought it up, he couldn’t stop thinking about the ghost at the station. Like all urban legends, very little was known about who the spirit was in life. But scraps of the story helped paint the picture. It played an invisible guitar, so it must have been a musician. It had poison tears, so most people assume it died by poison as well. It kept trying to board trains, so it was trying to go somewhere. And lastly, it poisoned child abusers, so it fiercely protected children. Who was this ghost? Why was he stuck there? And why was he so protective of children?

Miguel wanted to see the ghost up close. He wanted to get closer than anyone had before. Most of all, he hoped observing the ghost, what it looked like, where it went, how it acted, would give him some clues as to the ghost’s past. He thought, if he could learn just a little bit more about the ghost, he could finally get this nagging song out of his head.

[swiztothistay]

Open Letter to the Grey’s Anatomy fans, cast, and crew:

I’ve been a Grey’s Anatomy fan since 2005. I’ve had my Twitter account since 2009. I remember the ‘good old days,’ like in 2013 when Ellen Pompeo first joined Twitter and would tweet super random things and loved interacting with us. The Grey’s Anatomy fandom is (for the most part) an incredibly supportive community that I’ve generally enjoyed taking part in. I’ve met some of my best friends there. However, in recent years, particularly since 2015, I have noticed an increasingly negative side of that community.

As it stands right now, the Grey’s fandom on Twitter is an incredibly toxic environment and appears to consist of whiny, entitled teenagers who seem to think it’s acceptable to direct their complaints about characters and storylines to the cast, writers, and/or crew involved. Let me be very clear about this point:

It’s not acceptable. Period.

These are people who dedicate their lives to creating stories and characters for us as fans. They work 18+ hour days an awful lot of the time. Much of the cast has remained and continues to remain at Grey’s because of the fans. However, as of late, fans show absolutely no respect for these people and it continually astounds me how you treat them. You have all contributed to a fandom that has successfully alienated the cast and crew of a show you all claim to love. Caterina rarely tweets. Jessica doesn’t interact with any of you, and in fact unfollowed most of the fans she did follow. Justin avoided Twitter for months. Ellen can’t be asked 95% of the time, and I truly believe that this is a direct result of supposed “fans” either a) simply being incredibly rude [yet expecting respectful responses back?!?!], or b) complaining because storylines on the show aren’t going as you would like them to.

Recently, one fan (jokingly?) tweeted Krista Vernoff, who has only recently returned to Grey’s as an executive producer, that they would “burn down her house” if she didn’t do right by their 'ship.’ Threats like this are not a joke to these people – who have had to deal with incidents such as fans showing up on their doorsteps and calling their phones, for example. Fans like that have instilled fear into the hearts of this cast. You have no boundaries and zero respect for their privacy. The cast, though being celebrities, are everyday people like us. They are entitled to their privacy. You don’t get to demand access into their lives simply because you are a fan. Stop acting like it’s your God-given right.

To the many MerDer fans I know who have a tendency to slut-shame Meredith for being with other men since Derek: that’s simply not fair. It has been two years since his death for us as viewers, and longer in the Grey’s timeline. While I admit, as a diehard MerDer fan myself, it pains me to watch Mer move on, I think it’s important to realize that Meredith (and all widows) have every right to move on – on their timeline, and at their choosing. You wouldn’t slut shame a widow in your own life, would you?

To the many “fans” who once loved MerDer, once loved Patrick as much as they love Ellen, who now bash Patrick for leaving: you have NO reason to consistently bash a man who, despite your best attempts at denial, helped make Grey’s Anatomy what it was. For years, Ellen Pompeo and Patrick Dempsey were the face of the show. MerDer is a huge part of pop culture and even if a person didn’t watch the show, chances were they could identify MerDer, or at the very least Ellen and/or Patrick. Simply put, you don’t know what happened. No one, except the members of the cast who were on set at the time, know what happened. It’s likely we will never know. And, we are not entitled to that knowledge. Really, it’s none of our business. Shonda and the rest of the cast and crew are done talking about it. You need to be too.

To the fans who tweet negative things about a character simply to get a rise out of others: we all see how you do this and then play the victim when said character’s fans go on the defense. You just create more drama and add to the toxic nature of the fandom. It’s ugly. You try and then claim how “you don’t know me” and how “I’m a good person.” Well, do the rest of us a favor and show us that so-called good character through your ACTIONS. If your timeline is full of you calling other fans words I will not repeat here, it’s hard to assume you are a decent person. It’s really not that hard to keep your mouth shut if you don’t like someone or something. I’m guessing though, that most of your parents never taught you that principle of “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all.” However, the same goes for those who jump to the defense of their favorite characters - be respectful or don’t say anything.

To the MANY so-called fans who, for the past nine months, have consistently slandered Ellen Pompeo, who send her hateful comments every time she tweets about racism, who call her 'Ms. Reverse Racism’ (among other things), and then cry victim when Ellen responds in kind, congrats! You have created a culture where it’s seen as “cool” to hate the star of your favorite show, to tear her down, and to tear her fans down. It’s clear you also enjoy actively seeking out her fans who continue to support her and harassing them as well. You also have been caught tweeting hateful things to lay people who aren’t involved in the Grey’s fandom but have met her, and that is completely and utterly vile.

It is also quite evident to many of us that those who attack Ellen and call her a reverse racist do not fully understand the issue at hand. Ellen has three biracial children. Her husband is black. You cannot honestly think that, even as a white woman with privilege, it doesn’t strike fear into her heart that perhaps one day her husband might be caught in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong law enforcement officer(s)? That her children won’t experience racism and hatred on the playground or in class one day? A mother’s heart bleeds when her children are in pain. Ellen wants better for her children than what is happening in America today. She is 100% an ally and is on the right side, fighting against racism and discrimination every day – despite your extremely misguided opinions. She is also not wrong in that racism comes in many forms. It occurs at a systematic level, at a community level, at an individual level. The issue is FAR more complex than you all make it out to be – it is not, for lack of better words, a black and white issue. There are many issues at play here.

Yes, sometimes we have to educate those fighting on the front lines with us. Rather than attacking someone for using the wrong words, educate them. And by educate, that does not mean attacking them, calling them fat, calling them a white bitch, etc. As Krista herself said, you get more flies with honey than with vinegar. The way to educate your allies is with kindness, empathy, and respect. You also might have more success if you were respectful - rather than being disrespectful and expecting Ellen’s respect back. She is not a woman who respects those who disrespect her. Respect is earned. You are not automatically entitled to it. Don’t alienate your allies. Ellen has a huge platform and is using it to raise awareness of so many important social justice and environmental issues. And if you don’t like it, or if you take issue with which emoji colors she uses…there is a handy little unfollow button at the top right on her profile. There is also a block button, where you won’t be privy to anything she tweets. Make use of these.

In recent weeks, some of my own friends have left the fandom because they could no longer handle the toxic environment. For their own mental health and well-being, they had to leave. That’s sad. These people love the cast, they love the characters, but they no longer feel safe expressing that anymore. This feeling of not being safe has also come about as a direct result of “group chat” accounts, where multiple people have access to the same account. These people use these groups as a medium to publicly post their “jokes” - many of which are in fact harmful. Your group chat accounts aren’t cute. You can claim that the intent was a joke all you want, but that doesn’t negate the harm you do. You don’t get to say hateful things and then dictate how others respond, under the claim that “it’s a joke.” Be more conscious of your words, and how they have consequences, unintended as they may be. Truthfully, it is much easier to simply think about the things you say than to undo the harm, regardless of your intent.

Ellen, in her 2016 speech accepting the award for 'Best TV Drama’ at the People’s Choice Awards, said that “Our show is about understanding, and compassion, and tolerance, and kindness. And those are themes that we could all use more of.” Let’s make this fandom reflect that as well. Be kinder to the cast and crew and show them some respect. Be kinder to each other. Be more accepting. We all have different favourite characters and different reasons for having those favourites. We each bring different perspectives and experiences to the table. Let’s try to recognize that and create a culture of respect for each other. It’s perfectly fine to disagree on things. What’s not okay is to brutally attack each other, to treat each other with rudeness and hatred. At the end of the day, we all love the same TV show: Grey’s Anatomy.

Finally, on behalf of the 99% of the Grey’s fandom to whom 1% gives a bad name, I would like to extend my apologies to the Grey’s Anatomy cast, crew and writers for the behavior of this small group of fans who have overtaken our fandom and appear to represent us. There is a vast majority of fans who are incredible people that greatly respect and admire the work you all do. We are just outshadowed by the negative. It’s time for that to change.

Look what you made me do. Adriana (@swiftxgreys on Twitter)

[i-am-a-fan-of-empty-spaces]

super long 12/21 birthday letter

dear god:

i’m on ritalin and can’t nap.

when i write these things there’s always a kind of balance i have to maintain. emotions and words are slippery and when you get an image you want to complete it, and you have to stop yourself and think: does this stay true to what i’m actually feeling? 

the truth is i feel a mix of a lot of feelings at all times. they come and fade. that makes it hard to write about them. i felt physical joy watching the contrapoints video on violence, then switched to facebook and saw my conversation with graham, felt guilt and shame and sort of a self mild-dislike. i felt motivated when ritalin first started coming on, and thought, i could probably do anything right now. but now that i’m faced with the task of studying for tutoring, it’s hard to get motivated, even if it’s easier than normal. feelings exist on scales, but words deal with yeses and nos. 

what’s going on w me? a lot happens over the course of a week. maybe one dominant theme of this week is shame and frustration over not being a good friend. some expectation to be comforted by others when i share this with them. a small degree of guilt over my desire to share this as a way to be comforted. not enough to demand anyone tell me what they honestly think about me, which is what i want most. 

i get the desire to have immediate access in crucial moments to the things that would make me a better/interestinger friend--the right words, responses, a good understanding of their feelings, more intelligence and insight, genuine interest in their lives, more skill at writing and art, 

part of this feels very myopic and selfish and pointless. if i were a non-me person reading this i wouldn’t care.

steven asked me how my friends were doing. i told him they were probably busy with finals. it didn’t dawn on me until then that that could be a reason i felt annoying. in the past whenever he got busy i got depressed and insecure and then i’d realize it wasn’t anything about me at all, i wasn’t messaging more he was just responding less. 

honesty about situations and not editing in little narrative-enhancers is a difficult task when writing for my future self and knowing an audience can read. it’s easy to believe my own lies. things like “here is why i am like this”, that make for a more coherent life story. the truth is just “i don’t know” for 99% of all things, so the method is to use as few words as possible and to be as direct as possible when describing any emotion or circumstance. even highlighting a truth like this is dangerous. you can’t be sure your insights will ever hold up over time. you can only describe your feelings in the moment. the closer you zoom and the less you make sense of things, the less dangerous things get. 

i wrote that on mdma feelings can only be defeated by larger contextualizing feelings.

ok god that’s out of the way. lemme do a thing real quick. lemme express feelings dishonestly to beautify myself and my life. the ritalin is wearing off sharply and my head is clouded by noise suddenly and my writing ability has vanished.

i said on mdma i wanted you to save people. i still want you to save people. i want you to save all of us. my tendency to read humanity as being sad and deserving of pity probably gets me in trouble with friends, probably makes them feel condescended to. but can i indulge this for just a second? i feel helpless a lot, a lot. i see people feeling helpless, even if they don’t admit it or recognize it. and i worry about a lot of people, about how they might never find someone to understand them, about how they might lose faith in the capacity of humanity to save them. i see them feeling sad and wanting to die. they talk about not being worth anything. my friend graham has tried to kill himself a lot of times already and he is a great person who should not die. i’m afraid they’ll always struggle with sadness or alienation or all of the weight they carry from past hurts. i don’t have enough love in me to give. even if i were to have all the love they needed to feel important i wouldn’t know how to express it in a way that could save them. 

i confess that these days i believe in you less, believe less in some power outside of human effort and blind luck that can change hearts, but i think when desire is powerful enough it will escape in the form of prayer, and a god becomes necessary as a receptacle of something so impossibly good that reality can’t contain it. we find ourselves bargaining, promising tasks, changes of heart, our lives, in exchange for an answer, and then we find all of it falling short and hope you have enough love for us to grant us mercy. the desire for a loving god is woven into the human heart.

it’s taken an hour or so to write these past few paragraphs. writing on a ritalin comedown is an uphill battle against mental noise.

let’s try short sentences. i can’t think long.

i pray for graham. i pray for cherr. i pray for JC. i pray for steven. i pray for giulio. i pray for felix. i pray for ace. i pray for arielle. i pray for myself. i pray for my sisters, though i find this oddly hard to say sincerely.

i pray that i have more love for my sisters. 

i pray for myself, that i can sincerely want what’s best for people even after growing close to them and seeing their selfish bits in high resolution. i pray for love that doesn’t rely on projecting my own desires on to people.

i pray for my parents. 

i pray for more love and more wisdom and more desire for love and wisdom, and stupid courage to face my own lack of it no matter how depraved and awful it gets to look at and courage also to develop where i need to develop even if it will never be close to enough, and i pray for my very best to be enough for me and i pray that people will be patient with my faults and i will be patient too,

i pray for humility and trust and stupid faith in you to provide for them all,

i pray for all of them to go places in life that are good and to find things that are good that help them survive and become fulfilled and beautiful. at the time of writing this i really feel it.

i pray for a good world. i pray for strong people. i pray that you are real, and one day things will be made right. i am angry at people who try to see things as good as they are now because things are fucked and awful and the world hurts people without recompense. i pray that you are the fulfillment of every unfulfilled desire.

i pray to be less selfish. 

i pray, selfishly, to be less insecure, because it feels bad. i want to be a healthy happy person with good thoughts and intentions.

god these days i get stressed a lot and i’m weak so instead of powering through i say things like “god save me” and “i feel lost” when it’s not actually that bad. and i curl up and let the noise in my head scatter in a million directions until i feel okay.

being honest is hard work. sighing to you like a child to a doting mother is much more satisfying. i would like to sigh to my friends because they respond more readily but humans don’t take well to self-pity. so i sigh to you.

God, help me. i feel lost. help me, help me, save me, please. teach me strength sure, 

but right now also save me and make me float in the confident knowledge of your strength and beauty so i don’t have to be strong and i can just walk forward effortlessly knowing graham and cherr and steven and giulio and felix will be okay always and forever and that one day i will be good and wise and loved and so will they. 

make this world beautiful and okay. this world is fucked and we are sad.

like a child’s cry is designed to be heard by a mother our suffering exists to invite your grace. 

amen

PS shit sucks and i’m confused a lot and stressed out and i’m a coward so i like it when it gets bad enough that i feel okay napping.

PS my therapist sucks

PS odesza is good i wanna listen to em on molly

PS i wanna be a good friend but also this is code for i wanna be liked by people i like forever

PS remember that time in taiwan i shouted at my mom and she cried and said she felt unloved even if she knew i loved her? i know how that feels and it sucks.

seriously god how do i become likable and make people’s lives good and enjoyable, and how much of this is selfishness vs genuine desire to help others and when this happens how do i make sure my whole life is constantly in a state of this and never in a state of me being annoying and needy and what is the meta truth i need to defeat my fear of being annoying

lastly PS here’s to a good 25th year 

and thank you god for letting me meet graham and cherr and everyone even mel and thank you for letting me see humanity in its richness and interestingness 

and thank you for giving me emotions and for keeping me safe all these years and giving me a sense that i am loved and understood and valuable no matter where i go

thank you for this unwavering confidence in the beauty and goodness of the human experience. you’d better not take this from me. 

like can i brag? my life rocks, taiwan was beautiful, i am cool, i am likable to a lot of people and able to get close super fast, i travel and try drugs, i am deep and interesting and moody, i bought a fucking sick cat hoodie and it makes me cute, i feel cute sometimes like right now, this bed is soft as hell, i can read tarot cards drunk at parties, i’ve grown so wise, i made a comic w cherr,

can i thank you double for my friends because holy fucking shit they are such great great humans and in every measure no matter how deep or shallow they are A+, like on the shallow end they’re easily as cool as me and have interesting opinions worth hearing and if i weren’t weird about hugging i’d hug like 2 or 3 of them maybe,

ecuador is gonna rule, maybe one day things will fall apart and i’ll lose a sense of joy over things as shallow as sick cat hoodies but like lemme have this moment, lemme have this joy okay god

amen.

oh but

on the one hand i wanna say 3 hour journaling is the norm for me. but also, i distinctly remember being on 40 mg methylphenidate and spending the 3 hours writing a letter to nathan, i also distinctly remember this molly trip a few weeks ago where i spent 8 whole entire hours writing, and each of those times it felt totally natural and not a drug compulsion, and my therapist was like “holy moly that’s a lot of writing” and i was like “nah i write when i’m sober” but shit i think he’s right

[wereg0blin]

for the ask meme? all of them u thot

For ur and Cris' demand1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?Yes!!!!! 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?UhHHHHHH it is 3 years older than me but hhhhhhh probably not3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?Bicth ten mins ago4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?ALWAYS5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?If there are they can go fuck themselves right in the butthole6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?CHOKE-I dont know how but they found me - mr seen aka my eX hHHhH7. What exactly are you wearing right now?a cute ass blouse thingy some tights and christmas deer antlers on top of a Santa hat8. How often do you listen to music?every chance i get9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?jeans i guess10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?i dont even remember 201311. Are you a social or an antisocial person?both damn12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?On the cheek yes13. What about ‘R’?platonically yes14. Can you drive a stick shift?i can climb sticks???? does that count??? 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?they 100% do and i dont really care bc everyone talks shit about everyone 16. Are you going out of town soon?i dont know how to reply to this because i live in two towns17. When was the last time you cried?Wednesday i think,, i wish i could cry more often 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?i try to say it as much as i can bc i have a lot of love in my heart19. If you could change your eye color, would you?maybe a lighter blue bc gray blue isn't that pretty20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?not counting evan,,, uhh Boys ARE A BLESSING TO THIS WORLD FUXK YEAH21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.am planning to tell mh parents abt my depression but hHHHHH22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?if it has boy in it iT CUTE23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?NopE cris is like,,,, my best friend wtf24. What are you sitting on right now?b e d i t s o f t25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?FRIENS. LOVE THEM. 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?ALL THW TIME B I TCH27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?my roommates 28. Do you get a lot of colds?nop, but when i do its fuxked up29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?Switzerland 30. Does anyone hate you?yepity depity do and i hope they burn in hell fucking pieces of shits31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?it will be a cold day in hell when i drink my dudes32. Do you like watching scary movies?BITCH I L OV E MAKING FUN OF MOVIESSO SEEING SHITTY SCARY MOVIES IS A FUCKING BLESSING 33. Do you want your tongue pierced?Nah how tf am i gonna eat spicy shit then???? ¿¿¿¿34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?2015????or 2016??? i think that was the worst my depression ever was35. Did you have a dream last night?i think????? 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?right now37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?hope not???? but then again???? kinda hope i do????? probably not doe38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?yes i know at least 2 boys and i feel so sorry for them39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?probs40. Did you have a good day yesterday?mmmeh41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?oh shit i have no Fucking idea 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?y e s43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?i think???? cris must've told me at least one time and evan too so Uhhhh i guess???? ¿¿¿¿44. What’s the best part about school?i get to have unnecessary crushes45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?ppppplenty46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?yeah but he called me a slut and a whore 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?god fucking hell all the time 48. Were you single over the last summer?yep49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?nope thank the whatever the fuck is out there 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?sleeping i guess51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?evan is a precious cinnamon roll fuck off 52. Are you nice to everyone?YES YES YES YES ALWAYS as i saidk i l l t h e m w i t h k i n d n e s s53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?h hh hhh fuCking tAke a wIld Gue Ss m854. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?bitch when i cheat will be the day i cut my throat 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?bad feelings? yescrushes? n0Pe56. Do you think you like someone?i think but i hope not57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?nop i do not Think so my dude 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?why THE FUCK would that matter59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?current ones?? i dont think so??? 60. Do you hate anyone?nah i just,,,, strongly dislike themexcept the fucking bitches i called friends i hopr they die in a fire 61. How’s your heart?idk i guess ok??? im always okay62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?not really pffft63. Have you ever cried over a guy?yes all the time,, boys r beautiful 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?hmmmmmmmmm idk i can think of a few people but i hope not 65. Are your toenails painted pink?I W I S H66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?bih i wish i could have my first kiss67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?if boyfriend cries i cry thats bad 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?poor poor souls that actually had this happen to them69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?my sister!!! 70. How do you look right now?bored Even doe im honestly just relaxed 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?i do that with everyone bc if u don't like me u don't have tk be around me 72. Can you commit to one person?yes ofc!!!??? 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?even bby ilu74. Have you ever felt replaced?i think?? yes probs75. Did you wake up cranky?nop76. Are you a jealous person?hhhhHA YOU DONT EVEN K N O W77. Are relationships ever worth it?Theyre fun but the end of them makes me wanna die78. Anyone you’re giving up on?crushes and teachers 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?3 more years bih u better wait for meand u too eben b safe u dork80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?sssstudy h81. Last person you cried in front of?mom82. Is there someone you will never forget?yyyES83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?nope he doesn't really care about me anymore (although i dont think he ever did) 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?BICTH ID BE KISSING THAY THOT ALL OVER HER FACE AND WATCHING SAW AND VORING PIZZAEVEN DUDE HHHHELTS WATCH SAW 3 AND LAUGH AT THAT DUDE BREAKING HIS LEG AND THWN I CAN HUG YOU TILL I DIE FROM DEHYDRATION 85. Are you over your past?i ggggUess??? 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?i have no idea 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? @lady-misfortune @space-ace-sneevee @thelilshadowchild88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?what has been has been but i guess idk yet bc ive had like 1 bf for now 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?never kissed 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?i guess???????? 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?i sure as hell have no idea92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?Michael Jackson and I are best buddies bItch93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?noPe94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?i was in a relationship with my laptop and i didnt leave him from 7pm to 6am 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?he a dicky 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?bicth fucjing prettiest people youll find97. Who do you have texts from?crissy gorl that im too lazy to reply to98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?happened to me and i said "glad u told me earlier i dont want u being with me if u r uncomfy" it did hurt like a fucking bitch doe99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?bitch never kissed 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?me, myself and i101. Ever kissed under fireworks?NEVER KISSED FFS102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?IN a jar nicely packed and handed to me? no but stomach butterflies so bad i wanted to throw up? yes

[wonderlandfairytales]

these days I’m in a constant state of anxiety. I’m in 2 dilemmas at the same time.

first, I need to get out of my parents’ house. it’s not that they actively make my life harder at the moment, they’re not being mean or anything, but they don’t make me feel better either. they never take me or my struggles seriously and constantly question and pressure me. and because of shit that happened in the past I’m constantly mad at them and I can’t talk to them normally most of the time, especially since my anxiety makes me irritable and they don’t understand, so they constantly get mad at me for the way I talk to them. I really just wanna have my own four walls, my peace and quiet. it’s so loud here. multiple TVs are on non-stop, my whole family’s at home ALL day at the moment and it just gets too much. I flee to the city and sit down by the river or at Starbucks to read but I just want to have somewhere I can be alone with no one near me so I can recharge my batteries. and a place where I can invite friends without having my whole family there at all times. 

to move out, I need a job. I finished my 4 year apprenticeship in July. I’m going on vacation from Sep 20 – Nov 13, after that I’d need a job. and that TERRIFIES me. not only do I believe I’m really bad at my job and feel like I could never meet anyone’s expectations, but the thought of having to convince someone I’m the shit, having to prove them over and over and over again that I’m good and worth it, and having to meet a whole bunch of new people makes my anxiety go through the roof. the high possibility of failure is ever luring over my head like a dark cloud just waiting to hit me with a storm full force. 

I’m crying a lot, and last night, I got out my razor blades again. I’m almost 3 years clean. I didn’t do anything last night but I looked at them for a long time and just cried like crazy. every time I think about getting a job, I get a panic attack. 

the other day I was at Starbucks writing applications. suddenly my anxiety got so bad I had to leave and walk around. I got on a tram to go to the gym but I couldn’t make myself go. I felt so sick, I was trying to hold back tears at all cost. I got off the tram at a random stop because I felt like if I couldn’t cry I would actually throw up. I thought that maybe walking around would help. It didn’t. I walked and walked and walked until I was in a forest near the city. I sat down on the floor and cried and cried and cried.

I wanted to text my friend, E. but I knew she had enough trouble herself. she has bad anxiety too and I didn’t wanna bother her.

but at the same time, I was scared I wouldn’t calm down on my own. I always try to get through anxiety attacks on my own, I don’t want to force anyone to deal with my shit ( and there are but 2 people on the planet to whom I would even talk about what’s going on in my head: E and a friend from overseas). it just got worse and worse and I couldn’t calm down. I texted my friend from overseas who suggested I text E. it took me almost 2 hours to bring up the courage to text her, telling her how I feel super bad about bothering her but I just can’t calm down and I’m somewhere in a forest crying my guts out and feel like I just need someone to be there (she knows I barely have anyone besides her, and she’s the only one I trust enough to let her see the real me). the minutes passed and I felt worse and worse about annoying her. she probably saw it and couldn’t be bothered. she was probably mad at me for forcing her to deal with this, with me. about ten minutes later, my phone rang. it was E. I answered it, still crying, and she asked, “hey what’s wrong? sorry I was grocery shopping. you should call in situations like these”, and I just said, “I don’t know I’m… I can’t calm down”, and she said “let me take home my groceries, then I’ll come find you, ok?” and I was SO PERPLEXED by her reply because ??? what??? someone goes out of their way… for me?? I knew she was busy studying for an important exam and like ??? wow.

20 minutes later she parked the car in front of me, got out and without saying anything just hugged me. I was crying so hard, I didn’t even know what to say. my mind was a mess. I had so much I wanted to talk about and suddenly everything was gone. we stood like this for a bit, then she asked if I wanted to hop in the car. she asked me if I’d eaten and offered me a banana (like… she even got me food?? what?). we drove to her place, where she prepared dinner while I was sitting there just… trying to talk. mostly about how I was scared that she would one day have enough and leave like everyone else, because I get so demanding and clingy. we’re extremely similar in an almost creepy way, so 99% of the time we just GET each other. and she said that she would always tell me if I was going overboard (which obviously would make me feel bad because I’d hate myself for being an annoying shit BUT I’d know she’d tell me because she doesn’t wanna have to leave). later, her boyfriend came home from work. she’d called him before and told him I was there. the first thing he did when he saw me was hug me and ask if I was doing better. they’re the sweetest people I’ve ever met in my whole life. they asked me to stay for dinner. afterwards, we just sat on their balcony, listening to music and chilling. my thoughts kept wandering off. I was pinching myself a lot, and scratching my leg open without really noticing. the sunset was beautiful, the music was nice and just being there with E and her boyfriend made me feel alright. then she asked if I wanted to stay overnight.

I knew it was their anniversary the next day so I said, “I don’t wanna bother you or anything”, and she replied with “well… I don’t really wanna let you go home like… this.” and I just? how can someone actually care about me SO much? it can’t be real. it CAN’T BE. 

she said so many nice things to me that day. how I was a precious person, how she liked having me around, she gave me so much advice and showed me how much she cares. we talked about cosplaying (her favorite hobby which I’ve taken up a few weeks back) and she was actually excited about cosplaying together in the future. she was SO nice to me, nicer than anyone ever. and she said, “don’t worry, here you’re at a place where you’re loved and cared about” and like??? but still my mind won’t believe it. and even if I do believe it, I’m always scared that I will ruin it somehow. which is how this is related to the beginning of this text.

my anxiety has been going THROUGH the roof and I am incredibly close to relapsing just to deal with it somehow. I know she wouldn’t want me to. at the same time I do not wanna bother her ALL the time. spending time with her and her boyfriend just calms me down because I know they care. that’s all it takes. someone to be there, not even talking to me, we could do completely different things. but just knowing I’m not alone… 

that’s something no one can do for me. I need to do it on my own. somehow. I just… at the moment, everything gets too much. everything. 

my first dilemma is: I need to get out of my parents’ house, but getting a job terrifies me. my second dilemma is: I need someone to talk and keep me safe, but I don’t wanna bother her or anyone any further.

these two dilemmas combined are very likely to make me go back to cutting at some point.

I feel alone. I don’t feel worthy of anything at the moment. I just need to suffer in silence and not bother anyone. sometimes I wish we’d never met, E and I. not because I don’t like her, on the contrary. she’s probably the best friend I’ve ever had, the one who’s shown and told me how much she cares more than anyone. (also I feel like I need to put this disclaimer here, no I’m not in love with her, but I do love her in a platonic way.) I just feel like I’m going to pull her down and destroy her, like I did so many people before her. I’m a ticking bomb. I can never get better. 

I should just stay alone.

[selfpublishingnews]

Interviewed by Kristen Tsetsi - from Jane Friedman’s blog at janefriedman.com

Elizabeth (Betsy) Marro  is the author of Casualties, a novel about a single mother and defense executive who loses her son just when she thought he was home safe from his final deployment. Now she must face some difficult truths about her past, her choices, the war, and her son. A former journalist and recovering pharmaceutical executive, Betsy Marro’s work has appeared in such online and print publications as LiteraryMama, The San Diego Reader, and on her blog. Originally from the North Country region of New Hampshire, she now lives in San Diego where she is working on her next novel, short fiction, and essays. Casualties, published in February 2016 by the Berkley imprint of Penguin Random House, is her first novel.

5 on Writing

KRISTEN TSETSI: Say you’re having a bad writing day. What, for you, is a bad writing day? And what builds your confidence, gets you excited to write?

ELIZABETH MARRO: A bad writing day is a day without any writing at all in it. Even if all I manage to do is scratch out a line or solve a problem in my head as I walk or vacuum the house, the day is not a lost cause. There are days when writing is a lot of staring at the blank page, but that’s fertile time and it takes a bit of sinking into.

The days that are really tough for me are the days that involve re-entry after a period of spending time away—always for good reasons, but nevertheless, away. I get through those re-entry periods by diving in and enduring the discomfort that lasts for a day or two. Nothing builds my confidence like getting in a thousand words, even really bad ones. The other thing that works is getting out into the world after spending the morning writing. I get excited to write when I hear something, see something, realize something that I can use.  This can be an offhand comment by a total stranger, a glimpse of a setting or a scene, or an unusual name that I can’t stop thinking about in the obituary pages. I find a lot of inspiration in the obituary pages. My dad’s wife has begun to save the ones from her local paper and send them to me. I love that.

Do your story ideas begin with plot, character, or message in mind? If it’s been different depending on the story you were telling at the time, did you find your writing process or experience changed from one to the next?

I begin with people and a question that’s been bothering me. With Casualties, the characters presented themselves early in shadowy form and developed over time. The question they would grapple with is one that we all have to grapple with: how to live when the worst has happened and how to live with the decisions we can’t undo. With the novel I’m now trying to write, the people are again on the scene along with their arcs and the key “what if” question that got me going on it. The plot, I’m afraid, is not as clear as I’d like it to be, but that happened with Casualties, so I have faith.

You said in an interview for the San Diego Tribune, when asked whether you had a personal connection to the military that helped inform Casualties, “Nope. I’m part of that 99 percent that’s on the other side of the fence looking across at this unfamiliar territory.” How easy or how difficult was it to get inside the mind of someone who’d had the experience of seeing their child go to—and be away at—war? How did you do it?

I would never say that climbing inside the mind of another human being—even, or perhaps especially, a fictional one—is easy, but it is worth every minute of trying. The easier part, perhaps, was tapping into my experience as a single mother and all the feelings that come with the thought of losing a child for any reason. These feelings were not easy to live with but they were accessible. We don’t get through life without losing people we’ve loved unless we are very lucky, and I was able to recall my own grief and the grief of those I’ve known well.

I did spend a lot of time reading articles, blogs, and books written by or about parents of children in the military. I would read every one of the names of the fallen that were printed in our local paper or the New York Times and think about the families left behind. It is impossible to do this and not feel deeply. In the end, the feelings of helplessness, loss, and grief are as universal and they are individual. I don’t think they are necessarily altered by how that loss happens.

An oft-expressed opinion of literary writing is that it’s not very accessible to a wide audience. An equally oft-expressed opinion is that commercial writing lacks a certain amount of artistic attention.  What is your opinion of accessibility vs. artistic expression and the importance of either/each?

When I was younger, and by that I mean off and on from my twenties to as recently as 2003, I thought these distinctions were important. I thought I had to know what kind of writer I was and live there. I lost sight of the fact that while publishers and writers think this way, most readers don’t. They pick up a book and they either keep reading or put it down.

Some books work better than others. Some readers love to be presented with a book that asks more of them. I’ve just finished I, the Divine by Rabih Alameddine, who wrote the entire novel as first chapters. In his hands, this experiment worked beautifully, and I loved how he gave us a character, her world, her revisionist history, and the “real” story with every new beginning. This wouldn’t work for every reader and wouldn’t be natural for every writer, but as a reader and a writer, it woke me up, it delighted me. I hated for the novel to end. I found it both artistic and accessible.

On the other hand, I have been at war with James Joyce’s Ulysses since I was in college. I fall in love with Joyce’s sentences and then resent the hell out of him for making it all so difficult for me to get lost in the pages of his novel. For me it is the most difficult to access novel I’ve ever encountered. In this case the artist left me behind, and I don’t love that. I have vowed to attempt Ulysses yet again after receiving some helpful advice from a writer and reader I respect to just treat it as though I’m walking through a city; to resist trying to connect dots. We’ll see how it works.

But life is short, and large-scale commercial success for most writers is elusive. I think we should read and write what we want and find our audiences.

In an email exchange we had some time ago about writing, age, and when (and whether) to just STOP, we discussed the different ways in which success and failure are determined and the role age plays. You wrote, “There are all kinds of pressures that are tied to the expectations we have of ourselves at different ages.” What pressures are you experiencing, and what, for you, determines success or failure?

When I was younger, the pressure was so great it often stopped me in my tracks. I could write for newspapers and I could write for my later job in pharmaceuticals, but the short stories I wanted to write, the novel I hoped to write, never got fully underway.

While some of this was due to the demands of having a job, raising a child, and trying to figure out life, most of my problem was fear. My expectations of myself were huge, and my fear of failure was in direct proportion to that. I was in my twenties and I wanted to be one of those amazing women who did everything, when what I really needed to do, and couldn’t until much later, was focus. Luckily, I was gathering skills, experience, material, and confidence in other aspects of my life. These all came in handy when I was ready to focus on the writing. The fear factor fades significantly when you hit an age when it is “now or never.” Also, by that time, I’d survived a few big failures and realized that they weren’t the end of the world.

The only real failure then—and now—is failure to try.  Lately, the pressure comes from the only deadline that matters, which is trying to write all the things I want to write before my life is over.

Read the rest of this interesting and useful interview at JaneFriedman.com.

[weekendwarriorblog]

WHAT TO WATCH THIS WEEKEND December 14, 2018  - Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse, The Mule, Mortal Engines, Once Upon a Deadpool

After two weeks with just one wide release between them, we’re back to the slew of releases that are going to vie for business over the holidays, and while this weekend is fairly busy, next week is going to be absolute madness! One thing that needs to be remembered is that the early part of December always tends to be slower than usual as people spend more time/money buying Christmas gifts for others and getting in some overtime before the holiday break. Because of this, many movies released over the next two weeks might not completely achieve their opening week potential, instead setting things up for some serious legs over the Christmas-New Year’s break. It happens every single year and it creates an environment where you can have movies like The World’s Greatest Showman and Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle opening moderately but having ginormous legs.

SPIDER-MAN: ENTER THE SPIDER-VERSE (Sony)

What was once seen as the low-man on the superhero totem pole for 2018 is now looking to be the biggest surprise of the year, as this animated take on the popular Marvel superhero is given new life via animation and a shift to a few newer and younger takes on Spider-Man than have been seen in the live-action movies.

Spider-Man: Enter the Spider-Verse came into being during the Amy Pascal exit deal that got Sony and Marvel Studios co-producing Spider-Man films like last year’s hit Spider-Man: Homecoming, one of Sony’s two huge blockbusters from 2017, as well as one of the studio’s top 5 biggest hits.  This one is produced by Phil Lord and Chris Miller, who has had huge success with Sony Pictures Animation with Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and its sequel, as well as the R-rated 21 Jump Street and its sequel. They also helped launch Warner Bros’ LEGO movie brand with The LEGO Movie, which grossed $469 million worldwide and has a sequel coming out in a few months.

This is a somewhat different superhero movie, not only because it’s animated, but also because it focuses on the character Miles Morales, voiced by Shameik Moore fromDope, and then surrounding him with alternate versions of Spider-Man, including one voiced by Jake Johnson (Jurassic World) and the popular Spider-Gwen, voiced by Hailee Steinfeld. There’s also odder incarnations like Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham, voiced by John Dulaney, as well as different takes on popular Spider-villains.

Critics so far have been raving about the movie with the movie currently at 99% Freshwith 104 reviews (at this writing). Much of that has to do with the unique comic storytelling and innovative animation that makes it look unlike any other animated movie. The movie had sneak previews this past Saturday in IMAX theaters, which will also help generate word-of-mouth for the film’s wide release Thursday night.

What’s good is that this is a PG-rated Spider-Man movie that will allow younger kids to see it who might not be able to convince their parents to take them to a PG-13 Spider-Man movie, but also, the fact that Miles Morales is black and Latino means the movie could attract an even larger urban audience than other Spider-Man movies. We’ve already seen that the demand is out there for more diverse superheroes with the success of Marvel Studios’ Black Panther to the tune of $700 million domestic.

Obviously, the movie has a lot going for it, and not just the fact that Spider-Man continues to be one of the most beloved and recognizable superheroes out there even with the twists introduced in this movie.  Last month, it didn’t seem like Enter the Spider-Verse could crack $30 million but with all of the buzz and hype generated from the press, as well as awards attention, this could be seen as a viable family offering with Ralph Wrecks the Internet having already been around for three weeks.

Expect Enter the Spider-Verse to open at #1 with $35 to 40 million and though it has Warners’ Aquaman AND Disney’s Mary Poppins Returns nipping at its tail in a week, I think its uniqueness will help drive word-of-mouth so that it has a nice spike over the holidays much like Jumanjidid last year.  In other words, don’t be shocked if this one leaves theaters with $150 million or more sometime next year.

My Review of Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

THE MULE (Warner Bros.)

Clint Eastwood is back with his second movie of 2018, and this is not the first time the filmmaker has released two movies, although this might be the first year where neither of those movies are vying for awards. More importantly, this is Eastwood’s first appearance in front of the camera since 2012’s Trouble with the Curve co-starring Amy Adams, which opened with $12.2 million on its way to $35.7 million gross. This movie has Eastwood playing a farmer who takes on jobs delivering drugs to make ends meet… no, I’m not sure why he doesn’t get his mule to do that, since the movie is called “The Mule” but whatever.

On top of that, the movie co-stars Bradley Cooper, coming off his huge blockbuster Oscar fodderA Star is Born, which is close to grossing $200 million, plus Cooper previously starred in Eastwood’s highest-grossing movie to date, American Sniper. That movie grossed $350 million and was one of the biggest films that year.

The movie is opening in December as counter-programming to just about everything else, trying to interest older men and women, especially those in the Red States, who may be too old or disinterested in an animated Spider-Man movie. Reviews are still embargoed as of this writing, but I get the impression that they will be better than some might expect.

Even so, it’s hard to imagine The Mule will do nearly as well as Sniperor even Gran Torino, but opening it relatively wide rather than platforming it like those films, Warner Bros. probably wants this to be an option for holiday-viewing during that week everyone is off around Christmas.

Because it’s opening in the tougher weeks before Christmas, The Mule probably will open lower than normal, probably in the $14 to 16 million range, but if it’s any good, it should act as decent counter-programming to the superhero fare and musicals of the season, so maybe it can do closer to $65 million than the $35 to 50 million of other recent Eastwood offerings.

Mini-Review:  It’s safe to say that if you go into Clint Eastwood’s movie thinking you know all of what to expect from the trailer and general plot, you’re likely to be wrong.

In his second movie (at least as a director) of 2018, Eastwood plays Earl Stone, a Peoria, Illinois-based horticulturist who has fallen on hard times to the point where he’s losing his greenhouse, but he’s also been dealing with family issues, including an estranged daughter (played by Clint’s daughter Allison Eastwood) and an angry ex-wife (Dianne Wiest). At a reception for his granddaughter’s wedding, he meets a young man who gives him a business card to earn some extra money driving; turns out that he would be delivering drugs for the Mexican cartel, but the Earl money makes doing so, and what he’s able to do with that money seemingly makes it worth it.

Earl Stone is another great Eastwood character, a cranky curmudgeon, completely incorrect politically, but also quite lovable. Reteaming with his Gran Torino writer Nick Schenk – working from a New Yorkerarticle -- gives Eastwood another chance to play with his public perception as a cranky old man, which he seems to relish, but also, it allows him to play with a different version of that character than in Gran Torino.

As Earl gets better at his driving gig, the DEA is on his tail in the form of Bradley Cooper, Michael Peña and their supervisor, played by Laurence Fishburne, who insists that they get some busts. It’s fairly obvious that Earl is either going to be caught or killed as long as he continues.

In many ways, the film gave me some of the same feelings I had while watching David Lowery’s underrated The Old Man and the Gun, starring Robert Redford and Casey Affleck. The movie is warm and funny during the first act but it eventually becomes more of a cat-and-mouse tale of Earl and his handlers trying to avoid the DEA, which

It’s also impossible to ignore the incredible work by Dianne Wiest as Earl’s wife, a role that gives her a lot of opportunities to show how deserving she was to receive two Oscars and how equally deserving she would be to get a fourth nomination.

The results are an intriguing morality tale that keeps you invested in Earl’s story throughout. It isn’t a perfect movie, but honestly, if this ends up being Clint Eastwood’s swan song, either as a director or actor, then he’s going out on a high note. Rating: 7.5/10

MORTAL ENGINES (Universal)

In any other year or weekend, this adaptation of Philip Reeve’s 2001 Y.A. novel, the first of a series of four books, being adapted by the team behind The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit may have been one of the biggest movies of the holiday season. Unfortunately, that probably won’t be the case.

The fact that I knew next to nothing about this movie which comes out Friday – it involves giant Battlebot-like cities on wheels, apparently -- is proof there was a major fail in some aspect of this movie’s marketing strategy. Sure, I’ve seen quite a few trailers and none of them impressed me more than the ones for that Nutcracker that I really wanted to see for a while. But at least that movie had a known name-brand from decades of Christmas pageants and name stars; are that many fans of the Mortal Engines book really clamoring for this movie?

Sure, it’s exciting that it was written and produced by Peter Jackson with his frequent collaborators Fran Walsh & Philippa Boyden, since we haven’t seen anything from them since The Hobbit trilogy ended in 2014, but even those started to peter out with each installment. The Hobbit: The Unexpected Journey opened with $84 million in 2012, but the third installment The Battle of Five Armies opened with $30 million less and grossed $255 million vs. $300 million domestically.  

This adaptation is directed by Christian Rivers, who won an Oscar for his visual effects work on Jackson’s King Kong, and he’s been doing visual FX or other duties on most of Jackson’s films over the years.  Probably the only exciting names in the credits are that of Hugo Weaving of the aforementioned Lord of the Rings and the Matrix trilogy, as well as Stephen Lang from the Avatarfranchise, however many movies that ends up being. It stars Icelandic actor Hera Hilmar, best known from Joe Wright’s Anna Karenina and the short-lived Da Vinci’s Demons show. She stars opposite Robert Sheehan, who recently appeared in Bad Samaritan with David Tennant.

Beyond the fact that there isn’t a big-name star to get people interested, the enthusiasm towards Y.A. material has deteriorated greatly in recent years with series likeDivergentand The Mortal Instrument movies failing to the point where they were moved over to television. Popular books like The 5thWave, The Host and The Giver have faltered with bigger name stars, as has The Maze Runner trilogy, which to Fox’s credit, they completed even with the decrease in interest from moviegoers. Since then, they failed to find an audience with The Darkest Minds, while the lower-budgeted The Hate U Give(also starring Amandla Stenberg) is doing slightly better (hopefully boosted by its wins at the L.A. Online Film Critics this past weekend).

And then there are the early reviews for the movie, which are not good and that won’t help convince anyone on the fence to shell out their hard-earned cash to see this.

Even though Mortal Engines is opening in over 3,000 theaters, I just don’t feel very much excitement for the movie among non-readers, especially when compared to Into the Spider-Verse. Because of that, I feel like it might end up in the $13 to 15 million range, which would be absolutely horrible. It also might fall short of 2ndplace against Clint Eastwood’s The Mule, only because Clint is a much more solid known quantity with moviegoers.

Mini-Review: Imagine if you’re an FX artist who has been working with a visionary filmmaker like Peter Jackson for most of his career, and one day, Mr. Jackson comes up to you and says, “Christian,” (because that is your name) “I want you to direct my latest script, and you can use the finest production designers and FX people that money can buy.” And he plops this script he wrote with his frequent collaborators down in front of you and it’s something called “Mortal Engines.” You read it with interest imagining all the amazing visuals you can use to bring the world of this script to life, and you take on the role eagerly even though you’ve never directed a big budget feature film before. I certainly don’t want to pass judgment or cast aspersions on director Christian Rivers for his background in FX, because it’s almost become a cliché when an FX guy direct a movie, and that movie is better for its visuals than for the story or characters.

The central story revolves around these enormous tank-like moving cities including “predator cities” like London that are larger and vaster than the small moving villages they overcome and grind down for fuel and parts. Hannah Shaw is the inhabitant of one such city (Hera Hilmar) that’s engulfed by London, but she has a vendetta against London’s lead archivist Thaddeus Valentine (Hugo Weaving), but she ends up stranded outside London with a young Thaddeus protégé named Tom Natsworthy (Robert Sheehan) after an altercation with Valentine. At the same time, London has been at war with the non-traction Asian region of Shan Guo, represented by the rebellious Anna Fang (Jihae), who recuses Tom and Hannah as they’re being chased by Shrike (Stephen Lang), a “Resurrected,” basically a walking metal skeleton, much like the Terminator, who pursues them to get to Hannah.

Other than Hugo Weaving and the unrecognizable Lang, this is a cast with so little charisma you rarely care about any of the characters, nor can you keep track of who is good, who is bad, who is this or that person? Are they important? Do we care if they die? That’s not a good place to be when you’re hit in the head with so much narrative and so many wild locations and vehicles, which granted, are quite glorious to behold. No one can say that the production design, art and visual FX teams didn’t put in the work to make Mortal Engines a fantastic-looking film.

Regardless, Mortal Engines feels like a big-screen Y.A. adaptation coming too late in the game when the Twilight and Hunger Games franchises have managed to sate that audience’s appetite, which tries to hit us over the head with a “war is bad” message, which is also likely to fall on deaf ears. Better idea? Skip this and go see Peter Jackson’s WWI doc on Monday instead (see below), because there’s just so much more to get out of that movie then watching this one. Rating: 5.5/10

ONCE UPON A DEADPOOL (20thCentury Fox)

Opening Wednesday is a strange anomaly of a superhero movie, being a PG-13 rerelease of Deadpool 2, which came out earlier this year and grossed $318.5 million domestically. It’s a little strange to think that Fox would try to squeeze out a few more pennies by releasing an edited/censored version of the movie, but apparently there’s new footage being advertised including scenes with Fred Savage.

Again, this seems like it’s competing directly against the stronger Spider-Man: into the Spider-verse. Playing in just 500 theaters (and opening on Wednesday) means it’s going to be tough to make much of a mark over the weekend.  I do think that there may be some college-age guys who might go see this instead, but it definitely feels like Deadpool 2 ran its course months ago. It might break into the bottom of the top 10 with around $2.5 to 3 million but even that might be overly-optimistic.

On the other hand, Yorgos Lanthimos’ acclaimed period comedy The Favourite will be expanded into around 525 theaters by Fox Searchlight to take advantage of the buzz from awards and nominations of which more will roll out this week.

With three new wide releases and more to come next week, the returning movies are going to start losing theaters fast, so we could see some bigger drops for movies like Ralph Breaks the Internet and Fantastic Beasts in particular.

This week’s Top 10 should look something like this…

1. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse  (Sony) - $36.5 million N/A

2. The Mule (Warner Bros.) - $14.6 million N/A

3. Mortal Engines  (Universal) - $12.8 million N/A

4. The Grinch  (Universal) - $9 million  -40%

5. Ralph Breaks the Internet  (Disney) - $8.6 million -47%

6. Creed II  (MGM) - $5.3 million -47%

7. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald  (Warner Bros.) - $3.3 million -52%

8. Bohemian Rhapsody  (20thCentury Fox) - $3.2 million -48%

9. The Favourite (Fox Searchight) - $2.9 million +200%

10. Once Upon a Deadpool (Fox) - $2.7 million N/A

LIMITED RELEASES

Before we get to the weekend’s limited releases, I wanted to give a little added attention to a new documentary directed by Peter Jackson that will premiere via Fathom Events in select theaters for two nights only, Monday December 17 and December 27. THEY SHALL NOT GROW OLD (Warner Bros.) is a fantastic documentary that shares stories from World War I through recorded interviews with some of the men who served, used to narrate black and white silent footage that was filmed during the “war to end all wars,” Jackson being commissioned by the Imperial War Museum to make a movie out of the archived footage and audio recordings. It isn’t as simple as that might sound, because Jackson took that black and white silent footage, colorized it, used computer FX to make it 3D and added sound FX to really put you into this horrifying trench war. It’s really amazing to watch what starts out as a black and white film with an old aspect ratio expanded to fit the big screen as it becomes more and more vivid and detailed. It’s also crazy to think that everyone we see or hear in this movie is very likely dead since 2018 is the 100thanniversary of the end of World War I. You can find out where this is playing on Monday at the Fathom Events site, and I highly recommend it for History Channel enthusiasts because it’s a very different experience of a war that hasn’t been covered in quite this way before.

Barry Jenkins’ long-awaited follow-up to his Oscar-winning Moonlight is IF BEALE STREET COULD TALK (Annapurna), his adaptation of James Baldwin’s novel, which opens Friday after an acclaimed festival run. It stars newcomers Kiki Layne and Stephen James as Tish and Fonny, a young couple in love who run into troubles when Fonny is erased leaving the pregnant Tish to have to deal with trying to get him released as well as having a baby on her own. The drama also stars Regina King as Tish’s mother, a role likely to get her an Oscar, and Colman Domingo as her father.  I’ve become quite fascinated by Baldwin since watching the doc I Am Not Your Negro, and I was definitely interested in how he might tackle a fictional story, which is already having a deep social impact and relevance with African-Americans. You can read more of my thoughts from out of the New York Film Festival, where the film had its US premiere, but I liked the film quite a bit more on second viewing, especially how the love story between Tish and Fonny was portrayed by two fantastic young actors. The movie will open in select cities this week, then slowly expand before being nationwide on Christmas Day.

From Lebanon comes CAPERNAUM (Sony Pictures Classics), the new film from Nadine Labaki (Caramel), which follows a young street kid named Zain (Zain Al Rafeea) who tries to survive after running away from home, angry about the way his sister and other kids are being treated by his foster parents. This is another fantastic film by Labaki that gives you some idea about the issues faced by Lebanon, including poverty and immigration and how they’re related. Zain Al Rafeea carries the film beautifully. It will open in New York and L.A. on Friday and likely will expand further if it gets an Oscar nomination in January.

A thematic sequel to the Norwegian disaster movie The Wave, John Andres Andersen’s THE QUAKE (Magnet) tells another story from the same series of earthquakes that rocks Norway. It will open in scattered cities but mostly can be seen On Demand via various platforms.

On Thursday, Netflix’s post-apocalyptic thriller Bird Box, based on Josh Malerman’s 2014 novel, will be released into select theaters Thursday before its Netflix streaming debut on December 21. Directed by Susanne Bier, it stars Sandra Bullock as the mother of two children who are blindfolded and led through a post-apocalyptic setting. Adapted by Oscar-nominated screenwriter Eric Heisserer (Arrival), it also stars Trevante Rhodes (Moonlight), John Malkovich, Sarah Paulson, Jacki Weaver, Rosa Salazar and Danielle Macdonald. I hope to write more about this next week after I’ve actually seen it.

After a controversial director’s cut screening last month, Lars von Trier’s The House That Jack Built (IFC Films) will get a presumably toned-down version released in select cities, although this version also runs 151 minutes, so who knows? It stars Matt Dillon as a serial killer who we watch killing various victims (including Uma Thurman) as he converses with a mysterious being (played by Bruno Ganz) on his way to the underworld.

Sam Abbas writes, directs and stars in The Wedding (ArabQ Films) about a young Muslim man preparing for his wedding to Sara (Nikohl Boosheri), although he has been keeping his homosexual inclinations a secret as they go against his religious upbringing. It will open at the Cinema Village in New York (with Abbas and other guests in person for a shows all weekend) on Friday.

Big River Man director John Maringouin’s Ghostbox Cowboy (Dark Star Pictures) stars David Zellner (of the filmmaking Zellner Brothers responsible for Damsel and Kumiko the Treasure Hunter) as Texan Jimmy Van Horn as a huckster cowboy who arrives in Shenzhen with ambitions of economic success with the help of his friend Bob Grainger (Robert Longstreet). This darkly comic morality tale also opens at the Cinema Village but it’s currently available On Demand.

Another movie barely getting a theatrical release is Matthew Brown’s Maine (Orion Classics), starring Laia Costa (Duck Butter, Life Itself) and Thomas Mann from Me, Earl and the Dying Girl about a woman who decides to hike the Appalachian trail solo until her trip is disrupted by a young American hiker, played by Mann. It’s in select theaters on Thursday then streaming On Demand Friday.

Fans of animation should always be up for this year’s 20th Annual Animation Show of Shows, which celebrates its 20thyear with some fantastic offerings like “The Green Bird,” Taiko Studios’ “One Small Step,” which had me ugly-crying at its story of a young girl’s dreams of becoming an astronaut, Alain Biet’s highly-innovative and hypnotic “Grands Canons,” Veronica Solomon’s eerie “Love Me, Fear Me” from Germany and many, many more. More than likely, some of these animated shorts might end up on the Oscar shortlist, but you can find out for yourself when the program opens at the Laemmle Theater on Friday then at New York’s Quad Cinema on Dec. 28.

STREAMING

Besides Alfonso Cuaron’s ROMA, which will start streaming on Netflix after a few weeks in theaters, Sunday will see the anticipated debut of Springsteen on Broadway, as the Boss finishes his run on Broadway with his one-man show as a taping of one of his shows streams on Netflix.

REPERTORY

METROGRAPH (NYC):

Things are getting mighty busy at my local repertory theater with a couple new series, including In the Year of the Grifter, an interesting series of films about con-men, frauds, fakes and such, which will include everything from Orson Welles’ Mr. Arkadinand F for Fake to Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street, Frank Oz’s Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, David Mamet’s House of Games and The Spanish Prisoner, as well as Stephen Frear’s The Grifters (likely where the series got its name). This amazing-looking series will run through the New Year, so check out the trailer below!

The Metrograph has already begun its self-explanatory Miyazaki at Studio Ghibli, which mainly runs through the weekend tie-ing into the Miyazak doc mentioned above, but it could end up being extended through the holidays. If you’re a fan, you probably have already seen the six films being shown on DCP. Opening Friday is a digital restoration of Alexsey German’s 1998 oddball dark comedy Khrurstalyov, My Car!! (Arrow Films) which covers similar territory as The Death of Stalin in a far more madcap way. It really wasn’t for me.December’s offering from the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences is Richard Donner’s 1988 holiday classic Scrooged with Carol Kane, Karen Allen and co-writer Mitch Glazer appearing after the (sold out!) Saturday screening then showing two more times next week.Also on Saturday, you can check out the “Dream Double Feature” of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (1947) and the musical  Top Hat (1935), both on 35mm, and later that evening, it’s the original Predator (1987), wrapping up the theater’s Bill Duke series. (Those last four are all on Saturday, so I might be moving into the Metrograph that day.)

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Wednesday and Thursday sees a double feature of The Last Safari and Shoot Out, while Friday is a double feature of Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! and Motorpsycho! (sadly, already sold out online) and another midnight screening of Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs. The weekend begins the holiday classics like The Muppet Christmas Carol for the kids on Sunday afternoon, and Saturday night’s midnight screening is 1980’s Christmas Evil. Then on Monday and Tuesday is a double feature of Miracle on 34thStreet (1947) and Santa Claus: The Movie (1985).

FILM FORUM (NYC):

The Film Forum will show a 4k restoration of Yasujiro Ozu’s The Flavor of Green Tea over Ice (1952; Janus Films) for a one-week run, and this weekend’s Film Forum Jr. is Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life, which also continues at the IFC Center below.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

The Egyptian will show the classic Auntie Mame (1958) starring Rosalind Russell on Wednesday (sold out) and Thursday nights. Filmmaker William Friedkin will be at the theater for a double feature of To Live & Die in L.A. (1985) and Cutter’s Way (1981)on Saturday, while Sunday is a restoration of Detour (in conjunction with a sneak preview of Karyn Kusama’s new crime drama Destroyer on Friday night).

AERO  (LA):

The American Cinematheque’s theater will also be celebrating Japanese Anime legend Hayao Miyazaki (in conjunction with the doc mentioned above) with the series The Never-Ending Hayao Miyazaki, including screenings of My Neighbor Tatoro (Thursday), Spirited Away (Friday), a double feature of Howl’s Moving Castle and Kiki’s Delivery Service on Saturday and then the doc screened on Sunday.

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

Running for the next three weeks is the Quad’s Rated X series, which includes the likes of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange, John Waters’ Desperate Living and Female Trouble, the controversial Last Tango in Paris, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1 and 2 and many many more films that raised the ire of the MPAA. Also on Friday, the Quad will premiere a 4k restoration of Luchino Visconti’s 1971 film Death in Venice, an adaptation of Thomas Mann’s novel about a German composer on vacation in Lido.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

This weekend’s Late Night Favorites is Alejandro Jodorowsky’s El Topo, while Weekend Classicspresents the Coen Brothers’ True Grit. This weekend’s Shaw Brothers Spectacular is Buddha Palm from 1982.

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

Friday’s midnight movie is Tim Burton’s Edward Scissorhands from 1990.

FILM SOCIETY OF LINCOLN CENTER (NYC):

Christian Petzold: The State We Are Inwraps up on Thursday, which leads directly into Jacques Tourneur, Fearmaker, a retrospective of the 2ndgeneration French filmmaker responsible for 1942’s Cat People, 1943’s I Walked with a Zombie, 1944’s Days of Glory, 1964’s The Comedy of Terrorsand many more, all which will screened with others, many in 35mm. This looks like another fantastic series with many films being screened that haven’t seen on the big screen in many decades.

MOMA (NYC):

Modern Matinees: Douglas Fairbanks Jr. presents 1928’s The Barkeron Weds, John Irwin’s 1981 film Ghost Story on Thursday, and then back to 1929 with Our Modern Maidens on Friday. This series will continue through the end of the year. Italian actor and filmmaker Ugo Tognazzi gets his own retrospective called Ugo Tognazzi: Tragedies of a Ridiculous Man running through the end of the year.

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

For some reason, I missed the first half of MOMI’s retrospective of Pawel Pawlikowski, who won an Oscar for Ida and has the fantastic Cold War out next week. This weekend you can see The Woman in the Fifth, starring Ethan Hawke, My Summer of Love featuring a very young Emily Blunt, and a reshowing of Ida. Not only that, but the museum is kicking off a Cher retrospective (to coincide with the opening of The Cher Show on Broadway?) with A Cher For All Seasons. If I lived closer to Astoria, I might check out some of the movies screening including Silkwood, Suspect, Moonstruck, Mermaids a director’s cut of Mask and many more. MOMI is also screening the doc Marwencol on Saturday night to coincide with the release of Robert Zemeckis’ adaptation Welcome to Marwen next week.

That’s it for this week. Next week, out of the frying pan and into the fire with FIVE more wide releases leading into Christmas. The big one are Aquaman, Mary Poppins Returnsand Bumblebee, but there are a couple others.

[mamajotes-blog]

Postpartum: The Happy Experience

Let me start by saying that people don't talk about the postpartum experience enough. We hear a lot about the birthing experience, but what about those hours and days afterwards? What goes on then? I’ve heard a lot of stories about sleepless nights, blistered nipples and broken marriages, but there has to be good stuff afterwards too, right? I mean... You just made a freaking human! 

During my first pregnancy, I didn't think much about what happened after... I just knew I'd have this really adorable baby to hang out with. I thought it'd be all about the baby. I didn't know how much of the postpartum experience was about myself. 

After my son was born, my husband and I were high off the happy hormones. We didn't feel tired until weeks afterwards when the sleepless nights finally caught up to us, but even then we were unusually chipper for new parents. Peers and strangers even commented "How are you so happy right now?" as if we were supposed to be downright exhausted and pissed that our new baby just turned our lives upside down. That wasn't the case and many people were surprised; some inspired, some envious, some just annoyed. Then I got pregnant again and was struck with prenatal anxiety. The doctor warned us that it will get worse before it gets better meaning my chances of having postpartum depression were a lot higher. I was so hormonal and so emotional to the point of no control that I even scared myself sometimes. I felt alone, scared, nervous and overwhelmed, but when my baby girl entered the world, all that disappeared. My doctor was fortunately incorrect and my prenatal anxiety was just that. I was once again in a happy state of mind, felt peace and confidence in my abilities to mother my babies.

During my walk the other day, I started to think about how lucky I was to have two great postpartum experiences and then realized that there were some similarities in my actions after the birth of my babies that played a large part in making my experience so pleasant. The truth is, it doesn't have to be the way we see on tv or hear about in the horror stories from other parents*. Here is my personal (not professional) guidelines to a happy, healthy postpartum experience. 

MINDFULLNESS

I cannot preach this enough: Approach parenthood mindfully**. Be aware of your actions and reactions and adjust them accordingly. The energy you (and your environment) emit directly affects the baby’s energy. If you’re stressed and upset, chances are your baby is stressed and upset. Even when it seems impossible, remind yourself that how you react directly affects the baby.

For example: You really have to poop so you put your little sleeping newborn baby in her crib and go do your business. Then, your baby is crying and wailing uncontrollably. She’s probably hungry or annoyed that you put her in her crib or she pooped, but you won’t know until you get out of the bathroom. There are many ways to react to this situation…. Some of which may require a mess to clean up afterwards hehe…. But I’d remind myself that I have no control of this situation from the throne and until I’m done and clean, I can’t tend to my baby and that’s ok. I wouldn’t let her cry for 30 minutes while I browse my phone, but once I feel done enough (let’s be real—moms only take half poops unless its Sunday), I can wash my hands and go tend to my baby. Instead of stressing out in a situation I don’t have much control over, I find a solution that will work for us both. 

You are solely in control of your thoughts, actions and reactions so make a wise choice. Take the time to decide how you want to approach a dilemma. Take the time to shoo away those negative thoughts and remind yourself what a strong woman you are (cuz we all are honestly). Choose to react calmly to the witching hour (this is when a baby cries for no reason at all the same hour every day) as hard as it is. 

Being mindful isn’t easy and 100%. There are times where it’s almost impossible, but with practice, it’s achievable 99% of the time.

SUPPORT

Take all the help you can get. You do not have to be a hero and do this solo IF you have the option to have help. I know not everybody has this option, but I urge you to find a support system while you are pregnant. Whether it is family, friends, neighbors or hired help. I’m lucky enough to have a massive support system (hands on husband, retired parents and in laws that live near by) that made this 2under2 experience a positive one. Without the support of my parents, I am positive my experience would not be going as smoothly as it is. My toddler wakes up at the break of dawn and so does my dad. The extra hour of sleep I get in the morning has made the world of difference in my mood, behavior and attitude. 

Not many people have parents who can just come and stay with them, so I urge you to accept help from wherever you can get it. A meal train is always a great option. Ask a close friend to gather a group of people to take turns making meals for a couple weeks until things are in balance. If this is your second or third child, ask a neighborhood sitter to play with your kids a couple of hours a day so you can get a nap in with the baby or a shower or just sit on your phone watching Instagram stories. It’s affordable and your kids have fun! If you choose to have visitors and they ask what they can help with, ask them to do the dishes that have piled up. seriously... if anyone offer, take the help! Any amount of support helps… it really does take a village y’all! 

BE GOOD TO YOURSELF 

YOU COME FIRST! If mom isn’t taken care of, no one is. Be good to yourselves ladies, especially those days after birth. Ask for what you need and don’t feel the need to do it all. You do not have to be superwoman (even though we are because we made a humans… duh) You have to heal and recover. Your hospital stay is the best time to use your resources to take care of you first. Call the nurses, don’t feel like you can’t. They are there to help you. Use the nursery when you feel like you just need a little nap because you’re exhausted from laboring or surgery and this new little human’s demands to eat constantly. 

My husband and I were nervous at first with our son to use the nursery at the hospital, but it was the best thing we could have done. We needed the help because we were first time parents and we were exhausted. Babies make a lot of noise when they sleep and as first time parents, any noise he made that first week or so, we ran to him. We held him constantly, taking turns staying awake. We didn’t know we could sleep when he was asleep (no joke). So those first couple of nights we used the nursery helped us build up some energy with some sound sleep  (in 2 hour increments). We used it again for our daughter as well! 

Also, don’t beat yourself up.  If you can’t get that baby to latch or your milk isn’t there and your momma instincts (these are real) are telling you to give the baby the bottle of formula, then do it! Maybe your milk is coming in later or you have to pump etc. If you feel like baby needs the milk, give her the formula. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t feel guilty, don’t put yourself down… FED IS BEST. I can’t stress it enough. Too many mommas beat themselves up over this, but in all honesty, formula or breast… all our kids are just as weird on the playground. 

There is no such thing as a perfect mom, y’all. We tend to forget that what we see on social media isn’t the whole picture.

PRIORITIZE

The laundry can stay on the floor, the dishes can pile up… IT’S OKAY! Prioritize the time you have (which isn’t much—newborns are quite demanding) You’re going to be tired so all the household chores can wait. You should probably still feed yourself and your toddler, but don’t worry about the clutter on the counter or the mail that’s piled up over the week because guess what?! IT’S NOT IMPORTANT!  What’s important that first week is you and your babies. 

It’s hard to let go, I understand, but try it! It’s liberating 

DO YOUR RESEARCH 

Your doctor and hospital matter more than you can imagine and impact the postpartum experience. Do your research before settling on a hospital. Do the hospital tour and ask as many questions as you’d like. Make sure it’s a secure floor and they take the measures to make you and your baby feel safe. We are true mama bears and don’t want anything happening to our babies. See what other moms say about the nurses and staff. Ask about the nurse to patient ratio while you are touring. Ask about the food as well. Each time I delivered, I had a full menu to order from and the food was delicious! I loved that it felt like room service. My nurses have been extremely helpful and the lactation resources at the hospital were key. My doctors (different one for each delivery because we were in different states) were caring, well knowledgable and had amazing bed side manner. I did my research— I asked around and got the 411 on the different hospitals because I wanted a good hospital experience and I didn’t want to eat crappy food for four days (I obviously care about food) 

Use your resources, ask questions and know what to expect from your doctor and facility ahead of time. 

CALM ENVIRONMENT

I talk about this a little bit earlier, but I can’t stress it enough. From the moment that baby is born, her environment matters. If she is surrounded by stress and anxiety, she will portray stress and anxiety. My husband and I made sure to keep our environments as calm as possible in the hospital as well as when both babies came home. This meant limiting visitors as well, which I talk about in the next section. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane and calm so that baby doesn’t get stressed out. 

BE SELFISH

You sacrificed so much to make this baby and will continue to sacrifice so DO WHAT YOU WANT AT YOUR OWN PACE! For us, this meant not allowing any visitors for two months. We had plenty of reasons, including limiting how many people handle her. For my son, it was smack in the epitome of flu season so we definitely didn’t want anyone near him. If a baby gets a fever over 100.4 in the first 2-3 months of life, they have to be hospitalized for 48 hours. We’ve all heard the horror stories about the baby who got mono or the HSV1 and we all believe it won’t happen to us, but the only way to be really sure is to limit how many people hold your baby. We enjoyed having our son all to ourselves and not having any visitors to tend to so even though our daughter was born in the summer, we kept the same rule. No visitors until she’s vaccinated at 2 months including immediate family (other than our parents and siblings— with our firstborn we had no visitors, including our parents, for the first two weeks—we wanted a chance to do it alone and it was the best decision we ever made). 

Let’s be real… after you have a baby, vaginal or cesarian, you are vulnerable and your body is changing dramatically and quickly in the first week (especially during those days at the hospital). Let me list it out:

You’re in mesh panties and a diaper because you’re bleeding so heavily

if you chose to breastfeed, you’re learning how to do that, and your nipples might blister or bleed. Breastfeeding can also be painful because your uterus is contracting while you feed.  You’re feeding your baby on demand, trying to get that milk in, so you’re in “free the nipple” mode most of the time.

trust me—you haven’t slept

if you had a cesarian, you can’t move your legs for the first 24 hours and you have a catheter in so a nurse is changing your pad, wiping you and emptying your bag of pee every 4-6 hours. And once that catheter is out, she joins you while your body tries to pee again (it took me 7 full minutes of listening to the water running to pee again)

You’re definitely in pain

did I mention that you’re exhausted 

So now imagine being in this position and having a bunch of other people coming in and out of your room to meet your baby…. Does that sound pleasant? For me, it didn’t,  so the first time around, I wanted absolutely no one there. The second time, I allowed my parents and in laws to visit one time. I made them wait 36 hours after she was born because I wanted to make sure I was mobile first. I mostly allowed it because I wanted to see my son in all honesty <3 If you’re a private person and don’t feel like having people in and out of your room, then don’t. 

So be as selfish as you want. Will people call you an asshole? Probably… but who cares. You don’t get these precious months of newborn life back and you can never be too careful with these little ones. Everyone will meet her in time— when you’re well and ready. 

OH AND COFFEE

drink all the coffee…. Trust me. =D

Motherhood is hard and those early days after having a baby are the hardest, but it doesn’t have to be a horrible, stressful experience and I hope that my experience can help yours. <3

*Please note: I understand that postpartum depression and baby blues are real and many women are affected by this, which will result in a difficult postpartum experience. I was lucky enough to not be affected by either of these and therefore, the tools described above helped my experience be a good one. It may not be possible for everyone, especially those mamas suffering from ppd. 

Please seek help if you have any of the following symptoms of ppd: 

Mood: anger, anxiety, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, mood swings, or panic attack

Behavioral: crying, irritability, or restlessness

Psychological: depression, fear, or repeatedly going over thoughts

Whole body: fatigue or loss of appetite

Cognitive: lack of concentration or unwanted thoughts

Weight: weight gain or weight loss

Also common: insomnia

** I have a whole post on mindful parenting here—> https://mamajotes.tumblr.com/post/172409867478/be-here-now

[djgblogger-blog]

Robocar-only highways are not quite so nice an idea as expected

http://bit.ly/2zgW1WM

Recently Madrona Ventures, in partnership with Craig Mundie (former Microsoft CTO) released a white paper proposing an autonomous vehicle corridor between Seattle and Vancouver on I-5 and BC Highway 99. While there are some useful ideas in it, the basic concept contains some misconceptions about both traffic management, infrastructure planning, and robocars.

Carpool lanes are hard

The proposal starts with a call for allowing robocars in the carpool lanes, and then moving to having a robocar only lane. Eventually it moves to more lanes being robocar only, and finally the whole highway. Generally I have (mostly) avoided too much talk of the all-robocar road because there are so many barriers to this that it remains very far in the future. This proposal wants to make it happen sooner, which is not necessarily bad, but it sure is difficult.

Carpool lanes are poorly understood, even by some transportation planners. For optimum traffic flow, you want to keep every lane at near capacity, but not over it. If you have a carpool lane at half-capacity, you have a serious waste of resources, because the vast majority (around 90%) of the carpools are “natural carpools” that would exist regardless of the lane perk. They are things like couples or parents with children. A half-empty carpool lane makes traffic worse for everybody but the carpoolers, for whom the trip does improve.

That’s why carpool lanes will often let in electric cars, and why “high occupancy toll” lanes let in solo drivers willing to pay a price. In particular with the HOT lane, you can set the price so you get just enough cars in the carpool lane to make it efficient, but no more.

(It is not, of course, this simple, as sometimes carpool lanes jam up because people are scared of driving next to slow moving regular lanes, and merging is problematic. Putting a barrier in helps sometimes but can also hurt. An all-robocar lane would avoid these problems, and that is a big plus.)

Letting robocars into the carpool lane can be a good idea, if you have room. If you have to push electric cars out, that may not be the best public goal, but it is a decision a highway authority could make. (If the robocars are electric, which many will be, it’s OK.)

The transition, however, from “robocars allowed” to “robocars only” for the lane is very difficult. Because you do indeed have a decent number of carpools (even if only 10% are induced) you have to kick them out at some point to grow robocar capacity. You can’t have a switch day without causing more traffic congestion for some time after it. If you are willing to build a whole new lane (as is normal for carpool creation) you can do it, but only by wasting a lot of the new lane at first.

Robocar packing

Many are attracted to the idea that robocars can follow more closely behind another vehicle if they have faster reaction times. They also have the dream that the cars will be talking to one another, so they can form platoons that follow even more closely.) The inter car communication (V2V) creates too much computer security risk to be likely, though some still dream of a magic solution which will make it safe to have 1500kg robots exchanging complex messages with every car they randomly encounter on the road. Slightly closer following is still possible without it.

Platooning has a number of issues. It was at first popular as an idea because the lead car could be human driven. You didn’t have to solve the whole driving problem to make a platoon. Later experiments showed a number of problems, however.

If not in a fully dedicated lane, other drivers keep trying to fit themselves into the gaps in a platoon, unless they are super-close

When cars are close, they throw up stones from the road, constantly cracking windshields, destroying a car’s finish, and in some experiments, destroying the radiator!

Any failure can be catastrophic, since multiple cars will be unable to avoid being in the accident.

Fuel savings of workable following distances are around 10%. Nice, but not exciting.

To have platoons, you need cars designed with stone-shields or some other technique to stop stones from being thrown. You need a more secure (perhaps optical rather than radio) protocol for communication of only the simplest information, such as when brakes are being hit. And you must reach a safety level where the prospect of chain accidents is no longer frightening.

In any event, the benefits of packing are not binary. Rather, in a lane that is 90% robocars and 10% human, you get 90% of the benefit of a 100% robocar lane. There is no magic special benefit you get at 100% as far as packing is concerned. This is even true to some degree with the problems of erratic human drivers. Humans will brake for no good reason, and this causes traffic jams. Research shows that just a small fraction of robocars on the road who will react properly enough to this are enough to stop this from causing major traffic jams. There is actually a diminishing return from having more robocars. Traffic flow does need some gaps in it to absorb braking events, and while you could get away with fewer in an all robocar road, I am not sure that is wise. As long as you have a modest buffer, robocars trailing a human who brakes for no reason can absorb it and restore the flow as soon as the human speeds up again.

Going faster

There is a big benefit to all-robocar lanes if you are willing to allow the cars in that lane to drive much faster. That’s something that can’t happen in a mixed lane. The white paper makes only one brief mention of that benefit.

Other than this, the cars don’t get any great benefit from grouping. I mean, anybody would prefer to drive with robocars, which should drive more safely and more regularly. They won’t block the lane the way human drivers do. They will tailgate you (perhaps uncomfortably so) but they will only do so when it’s safe. They could cluster together to enjoy this benefit on their own, without any need for regulations.

The danger of robocar-only lanes

One of the biggest reasons to be wary of robocar only lanes is that while this proposal does not say it, most proposals have been put forward in the belief that robocars are not safe enough to mix with regular traffic. That is true today for the prototypes, but all teams plan to make vehicles which do meet that safety goal before they ship.

Many dedicated lane proposals have essentially called for robocar operation only in the dedicated lanes, and manual driving is required in other lanes. If you declare that the vehicles are not safe without a special lane, you turn them into vehicles with a very limited domain of operation. Since the creation of new dedicated lanes will be a very long (decades long) process, it’s an incredible damper on the deployment of the technology. “Keep those things in their own special lanes” means delay those things by decades.

The white paper does not advocate this. But there is a danger that the concept will be co-opted by those who do. As long as the benefits are minor, why take that risk?

Do we need it?

In general, any plan that calls for infrastructure change or political change is risky because of the time scales involved. It is quite common for governmental authorities to draft plans that take many years or decades to solve things software teams will solve in months or even, at the basic level, in hours. We want to be always sure that there is not a software solution before we start the long and high-momentum path of infrastructure change. Even change as simple as repainting.

Most of the benefits that come from all-robocar highway lanes arrive without mandating it. The ability for greater speed is the main one that doesn’t. All this happens everywhere, without planning, and political difficulty. Banning human drivers from lanes is going to be politically difficult. Banning them from the main artery would be even harder.

For great speed, I actually think that airplanes and potentially the hyperloop provide interesting answers, at least for trips of more than 150 miles. The white paper makes a very common poor assumption — that other technologies will stand still as we move to 2040. I know this is not true. I have big hopes for better aviation, including electric planes, robotic planes and most of all, better airports that create a seamless transfer from robocar to aircraft entirely unlike the nightmare we have built today.

On the ground, while I am not a fan of existing rail technology, new technologies like hyperloop are just starting to show some promise. If it can be built, hyperloop will be faster and more energy efficient, and through the use of smaller pods rather than long trains, offer travel without a schedule.

On the plus side, a plan for robocar only lanes is not a grand one. If you can sell it politically, you don’t need to build much infrastructure. It’s just some signs and new paint.

Some other users for all-robocar lanes

Once density is high enough, I think all-robocar lanes could be useful as barriers on a highway with dynamic lane assignment. To do this, you would just have a big wide stretch of pavement, and depending on traffic demand, allocate lanes to a direction. The problem is the interface lane. We may not want human drivers to drive at 75mph with other cars going the other way just 4 feet away. Robocars, however, could drive exclusively in the two border lanes, and do it safely. They would also drive a little off-center to create a larger buffer to avoid the wind-shake of passing close. No trucks in these lanes!

In an ideal situation, you would get a lot more capacity by paving over the shoulders and median to do this. With no median, though, you still have a risk of runaway cars (even robocars) crossing into oncoming traffic. A simpler solution would be to do this on existing highways. If you have a 6 lane highway, you could allocate 4 lanes one way and 2 the other, but insist that the two border lanes be robocars only, if we trust them. A breakdown by a robocar going in the counter-direction at high speed could still be an issue. Of course, this is how undivided highways are, but they have lower speeds and traffic flow.