#i treat myself to a vent post once in a while

[ghostie000]

shout out to people who were dirty, weird, neglected kids with behavioral problems. To kids who emulated the dysfunction their caregivers taught them, who bewildered people and elicited discomfort, whose pain and desperation caused others to recoil instead of help. i see your wholeness, dignity, and beauty

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for faking my death to get out of an abusive relationship?

Tw for verbal + mental/psychological abuse and suicide

I used to be in a discord server with some friends, there were about 40 people in it, only around 20 who were actually active. It was a while ago I can't remember. I was in that server for about 4 months.

From the start, people would occasionally get mad at me over something I didn't do. About every month or so someone would start a rumor about me and make the whole server gang up on me, I'd tell them it was false, but everyone would still avoid me for the next couple days.

I never did anything wrong, but I was always the center of the drama, and when I asked one person, R, why, he said he didn't know and that I didn't deserve so much hate.

About a week later R was talking in the vent channel about how I had manipulated him. I DMed him to ask why, and he told me it was because I asked him if he was my friend. I thought it was fucking stupid because it's not manipulative to be paranoid, but I pretended to be sorry because I didn't want him to be mad at me.

The server also had a bot where you could submit anonymous messages, and lots of people would use that feature to make up things about me to ruin my reputation.

After a while I left the server and only stayed in contact with a few people. However, every couple days another person would tell me I'm a monster and gaslight me into thinking I'm a terrible person, and every time I asked why they hated me they didn't give me an answer.

My only real friend, T, showed me some messages from the others after I left the server, and a bunch of people were making up stories about bad things I had done to them, and people who I had never even spoken to were saying that I had abused them and was dangerous.

Once someone told me thay they understood all the things R had said about me weren't true, but said it was still my fault anyway, and even told me that R had done nothing wrong (he lied about me in front of the entire server and is the reason I lost all my friends, and he yelled at me and called me evil because I was suicidal), and then they accused me of faking having amnesia because I had flashbacks.

Eventually, only four of my "friends" hadn't blocked me, and they almost never talked to me. Everyone kept calling me a terrible person because R spread lies about me and everyone else believed him instead of me.

It was to the point where I couldn't go one day without someone sending me death threats or trying to guilt trip me with false information, and I was getting very sever flashbacks of the stuff R had said to me, and I started failing classes because I couldn't focus on anything.

Eventually I had had enough, so I tagged them all in a tumblr post about how I was going to kill myself and then logged out of both that tumblr account and my old discord account forever.

(Also about a month after I had left, I got texts from irl friends, and it turns out someone on the server found the contact info of people I knew in real life just to ask if I was dead or not. And that scared the shit out of me.)

I've left out a lot of details of the abuse because of amnesia. I have a mental disorder which makes it hard to remember things, plus the brain often blocks out traumatic memories, so I'm sorry if some info feels missing.

The only reason I feel like I might be an asshole is because once I was gone, all of them switched targets and started to harass T. They said they hated him for being on my side, and sent him death threats on anon because he was mad at them for killing his friend. They started treating him the same way they treated me, and called him a horrible person but refused to give a reason as to why, and if I had stayed around they would've left him alone.

@should-be-dead (made a sideblog so I get notified when this is posted)

[wayfayrr]

So this is very much a self indulgent mini-fic, venting about some stuff that I've been dealing with recently <3 I'm working on requests and some other fics but I got told to post this to get it off of my chest anyway @cloudninetonine @angry-trashcan thanks for the confidence boost to be able to post this

“Hey, you’ve been sitting over here for a while, you feeling alright?”

“Just been thinking… I was part of some drama before I was uh brought here. It’s just, it’s just messed with me a bit I guess. I’ll be fine when we need to start moving again, don’t worry wars.”

After a brief second of fabric shuffling, he sits down and leans on me. It’s an oddly comforting feeling, different too like he’s bothered by something? What could’ve set him off so badly?

“Would you mind if I asked you about it? It’s clearly bothering you so, you should get it off of your chest and well, I’d just like to help you through this.”

“If you really want to know, it’s a little complicated though and while I can make a lot of it make sense to you I’ll have to leave a couple of things out.”

“Sounds like you’re willing to get it off of your chest though, so would you care to explain it to me honeybee?”

He’s being more persistent than usual too, have I really been looking so badly bothered by my thoughts? The worry does feel nice however, it feels more like talking to an old friend than anything which is wonderful seeing as I’ve not been able to reach them recently. I’ve just been stuck rereading old messages in a new context while my phone endlessly buffers to reach impossibly far servers.

“It’s… I’d been having issues with this person for a while… they used me more than anything, kept asking me for advice and making everything about them and brushed anything I or my other friends were trying to say off and sent things they really shouldn’t to people unwarrented… and then everything else.”

“Everything else? You don’t have to cut yourself off, with how you’ve been acting the rest feels like it’ll be worse anyway.”

“They just - someone connected some dots and pointed them out to me and I just… I’ve been going back over what they said and - and - and it made me think. They told me they associated my voice with a character they always got weird over, they kept fawning over my accent and how they’ve only ever heard it in fiction before, they gave me weird compliments when I was talking about things I did as a kid and that’s not even getting me started on how they treated my friends. I just… I feel so disgusted, seeing it in this light. Every bit of my skin just itches with disgust towards myself. Sorry I didn’t mean to share so much at once - I’m just tired. They didn’t even like me, it was like they only wanted me for where I’m from.”

The way he stilled sent a shiver down me, did I say to much? He might have not meant it when he said I could share… I mean theres no way he could’ve known… or does he think I’m simply overreacting? I’m probably just overreacting anyway.

My heart started beating again when he softened and pulled me to rest on him.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that all. They’re the one who is disgusting, not you, never you. I’ll speak to time, you should just rest for the rest of the day. I can lend you my scarf and you can just have a nap or I could ask wild to make your favourite food and you can just rest.”

I didn’t get a say before he’s already draped it over my shoulders; he’s leading me back over to the others and setting me down next to sky as he goes to speak with time. 

“Hmm? Did something happen, are you feeling alright dove?”

“Ah well, wars is going to ask time if we can stop for the day because I’m just dealing with some memories. I hope it won’t bother the others.”

“I doubt it, everyone’s been tense and tired recently. I know I have, I’ve been about dying for a rest. Would you care to join me too?”

Leaning back against him is all the response he needs as my eyes flutter closed, he’s so warm and comfortable. There are few people I’d prefer to rest next to. 

><><><><><><

“So then old man, I think that’s a good enough reason to settle for the day, don’t you?”

I know he’ll agree, asking him like this is simply a formality. After all, how could we continue when a member of the group is in such a state? On the verge of tears just from thinking about someone for a little bit too long. 

“You’ve never asked this for anyone else, but fine.” “Thank you Time, I’ll pay you back for this.”

“And Wars?”

“Hmm?”

“Go take your anger out on something, it’s not a good energy in the camp. Not if they’re so fragile right now. There’s apparently a standard bokoblin camp just a little south.”

He’s seen right through me then, but now I don’t need an alibi for when I come back.

[leclerc-s]

track 001. logical

─── ❝ said i was too young, i was too soft. can't take a joke, can't get you off. oh, why do i do this? ❞ ───

masterlist // next

liked by charles_leclerc, landonorris, isabellaperez, and others

zoyatorres a while back i heard a beautiful piano piece composed by charles_leclerc. i adored the way he was able to compose such emotional pieces. i asked a friend to reach out to him and ask if he wanted to be apart of my next album. he agreed and he composed a couple pieces on my new album, GUTS, which is yours september 8th. for now, enjoy logical, an emotional song which captures exactly what i was feeling in that moment thanks to charles. and to isabellaperez, the only other person to understand my emotions, thank you for inspiring me to write this one. once again, grazie charles! gracias isabella! (ps enjoy these bts picture of me and charles as logical was being written) (pps isabella helped inspire a few of the songs on this album)

tagged: charles_leclerc, isabellaperez

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landonorris um…what the fuck? charles? isabella? why wasn’t i informed of this?

baileywinters you’re welcome people! i did this! i got this masterpiece out into the world!

↳ landonorris et tú, brute?

↳ baileywinters sorry babe but i was sworn to secrecy!

user01 is this not some sort of betrayal to mae? after everything that went down between the two.

↳ maejones not really considering zoya and i are on good terms. i also have a boyfriend, i've moved on, everyone else should too.

↳ charles_leclerc i spoke to mae before i said yes to this opportunity. if she said she was uncomfortable with me doing this i would've said no.

↳ zoyatorres as mae said, everyone involved in that situation has moved on, please do us all a favor and move on.

user02 i just know this song is going to break my heart in two and i haven't even heard it

charles_leclerc it was a pleasure working with you zoya! we should do it again sometime.

↳ zoyatorres get me a pass to the next grand prix and we’ll see

↳ charles_leclerc done! see you in miami!

↳ zoyatorres pleasure doing business with you mr. leclerc

isabellaperez thanks for letting me vent to you!

↳ zoyatorres those vents became beautiful songs isabella! so thank you to you and your wonderful brain!

user03 now this is a crossover i wasn't expecting

nataliaruiz oh thank god, i was going to lose it if i had to keep this a secret any longer.

maejones well that was emotional…i’m gonna go drown myself with a toaster

↳ maxverstappen1 no, you won’t. actually please don’t.

↳ rowantodd no one wants to deal with a grumpy max, please don't ever joke about that again. your sister is also pouting at her phone, please, don't make those jokes again.

nataliaruiz posted a new story

seen by charles_leclerc, zoyatorres, logansargeant and others

some more bts of the making of logical. zoya’s my favorite third wheel, she’s basically charles and i’s child now. freyavettel you have a sister now.

zoyatorres mom? nataliaruiz yes my child?

charles_leclerc she is not our child nataliaruiz too late the adoption papers have been filed with seb, maman leclerc approved it too and she practically lives with us chérie

pierregasly another one? isn't the one on the way enough? isn’t freya enough? nataliaruiz shut up, you tripod

arthur_leclerc another niece? you can't give me a nephew? nataliaruiz the universe has decided that charles is meant to be a girl dad. it told me so when it gave us freya as a first child and zoya as a second and our baby as the third arthur_leclerc freya and zoya aren't actually your children nat nataliaruiz and lando isn't carlos and penny's kid but they treat him like he is. we all have emotional support children, don't question me. arthur_leclerc alright fine.

natalia ruiz added one person

natalia ruiz meet my child zoya!

zoya torres is that fernando alonso in the picture?

freya vettel blackmail material from lance, so yes it’s nando

bailey winters lando’s been screaming logical for the past 20 minutes. make it stop please

lando norris i can’t believe you guys wouldn’t tell us about this! isa and i played sour on repeat for days!

daphne jones-ricciardo trust us, we remember

zoya torres holy shit. excuse me while i go scream in a pillow.

daniel jones-ricciardo she’s just like me. daph! she’s our child! natalia ruiz back the fuck up aussie, that is my second child with charles! pierre gasly you have an actual child together and she's met daphne before hasn't she? zoya torres i don't actually have her number. let me have this. god, the french ruin everything oscar piastri she's going to fit right in with us

logan sargeant on a completely different topic, who hurt zoya and charles? that is the saddest song i’ve heard all year and speak now (daphne’s version) was released a few days ago. i don’t need to ask about isa, we all know the answer to that.

george russell can’t believe i’m agreeing with an american but who hurt you two?

logan sargeant at least our queen is still alive mae jones we don’t have a queen? we are a democracy. florida has failed us once again. logan sargeant i was talking about your sister… rowan todd he’s got you there mae, all rise for our national anthem, death by a thousand cuts penelope trevino HALF OF YOU DIPSHITS LIVE IN MONACO! zoya torres can't believe i just met a bunch of tax evaders

natalia ruiz you literally just moved to monaco zoya. you are a tax evader now.

zoya torres it’s to be closer to my favorite leclerc, baby leclerc. arthur’s been bumped down to last arthur leclerc well fuck you, as if i wasn’t already. you’re my least favorite singer in this group.

esteban ocon everytime i open this groupchat up i worry for each and every single one of you

mick schumacher i agree with the french

logan sargeant history has proven that it has never happened. so this is a first lando norris enough with the history jokes dulce perez just because you can’t understand them doesn’t mean we have to stop

zoya torres to answer logan's question, my ex-boyfriend hurt me.

natalia ruiz we don't talk about that asshole alex albon just to clarify, we're not talking about joshua are we? zoya torres no, that's passed, we're friends now. i think?

max verstappen why the fuck is lando running around the hotel screaming?

max verstappen never mind i see now. hello zoya.

zoya torres hi max! charles leclerc YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER? zoya torres i had breakfast with mae and max once

lewis hamilton it’s a great song guys!

zoya torres what if i passed out right now? what if this was my 13th reason? all i ever needed was to make sir lewis hamilton proud. oscar piastri oh god, she’s just like logan dulce perez i worry for you people, i truly do.

isabella perez THAT BRIDGE? CAN'T BELIEVE I HELPED COME UP WITH THAT!

dulce perez with an ex like austin how could you not? isabella perez do you maybe, want to shut the fuck up?

liked by charles_leclerc, nataliaruiz, maejones

zoyatorres mom said we had to come support dad in miami! peep my three different outfits (it was very hot for two of them, yes i did steal a helmet for a picture) don’t mom and baby leclerc look so cute? (i took that picture while we were waiting for mick and freya)

tagged: nataliaruiz, charles_leclerc, scuderiaferrari

user1 love how she opted to post a cute picture of natalia while embarrassing charles

↳ zoyatorres mom should never be embarrassed. dad on the other hand…

charles_leclerc i invited you to a grand prix and this is the payment i receive? (send me that picture of natti please?)

↳ zoyatorres will do father 🫡

scuderiaferrari it was an honor to have you in our garage (free concert tickets soon?)

↳ zoyatorres anything for my favorite admin

maejones did you enjoy your first ever grand prix?

↳ zoyatorres you bet i did! who knew watching cars go really fast in odd circles could be fun! baby leclerc made it more fun!

user2 i love that she’s been adopted into this family of weirdos so quickly.

↳ nataliaruiz she's one of us now, we're never letting her go.

↳ zoyatorres no other people i'd rather be friends with

↳ landonorris friends? who said anything about friends? we're family now

↳ dulceperez calm down dominic torretto. let the girl get used to our company before forcing her into this weird little family.

↳ zoyatorres i practically live with them...maman leclerc loves me…baby leclerc loves me

↳ user3 now this is something i wasn't expecting. baby leclerc has two big sisters, freya and zoya are the best big sisters, no doubt about it.

zoya was lost. it was that simple. she hadn't meant to wander off, but she had really needed to use the bathroom and freya had abandoned her. zoya would never get used to the paddock life, it was too chaotic for her. zoya preferred touring and tour buses, at least there it was a controlled chaos. she hoped she could find someone she was familiar with like mae or max, maybe they would help her out. or maybe she would die of embarrassment before she ever made her way to the ferrari garage.

too preoccupied with finding her way to the ferrari garage she failed to notice the 6ft wall in the shape of a human. she crashed into him and if it weren’t have been for his quick reflexes she would’ve fallen over. the wall grabbed her arm and pulled her close before she could touch the ground. it was then that she realized the wall wasn’t a wall and instead a human body. she pushed herself away from him, not that she wasn't thankful for his rescue, but he was a stranger, and zoya was not okay with random people touching her. maybe that was the downside of being a celebrity, people always thought they had a right to touch you or take pictures with you as if they knew you.

not that she wasn't grateful for her fans, she was, they were the reason she had the fame she did. it was the strangers who didn't even know her, and just saw a mob of people surrounding her, and decided it was okay with touching her. maybe she should bring that up with her therapist at their next meeting.

“you okay?” the human wall questioned. zoya nodded, letting go of his hand, “yeah, i got lost on my way back from the bathroom and freya ditched me so i have no clue where i’m going. i’ve been wandering this place for like 10 minutes and i still can’t find the ferrari garage.”

the human wall laughed, "considering that you're at the williams garage i'd say you're pretty far off."

"oh shit," zoya muttered, "i knew i was going in the wrong direction. this place should come with a map or something."

"i can take you to the ferrari garage?" the human wall offered. zoya glanced at him, noticing the fireproofs he was wearing, "and you are?"

"logan sargeant," he answered.

“well, logan sargeant, i’m zoya torres,” she introduced, “and i would very much like help getting back to the ferrari garage.”

logan laughed again, “pleasure zoya. it’s nice to properly meet you.”

“likewise.”

liked by charles_leclerc, nataliaruiz, freyavettel and others

zoyatorres the leclerc family takes on miami! not pictured is arthur pouting over a fallen piece of cake and lorenzo laughing at him. pictured is freya staring lovingly at mick while he causes baby leclerc to giggle.

tagged: charles_leclerc, nataliaruiz, freyavettel, arthur_leclerc, lorenzotl, mickschumacher

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user1 i guess charles really did steal seb's daughter

arthur_leclerc wow no picture of me or enzo? guess who isn't my favorite niece

↳ zoyatorres you literally told me to not take any pictures of you cause you looked like shit? and the one i did take, as mentioned in the caption, you didn’t want me posting.

freyavettel out of all the pictures you took of me, you picked that one?

↳ zoyatorres it's the one where you look most in love with mick

↳ user2 she's literally one of us. she's a mastermind who wormed her way into natalia's heart and now they're never going to let her go

↳ user3 but does mick have mom and dad’s approval?

↳ zoyatorres he has mine! i love mick, he’s a sweetheart. he’s also my sweets provider

↳ charles_leclerc jury’s still out

logansargeant it was nice to meet you zoya! pleasure getting to know the girl behind the music landonorris and isabellaperez are always screeching

↳ zoyatorres pleasure meeting the american rookie! thanks for helping me find my way to the ferrari garage

↳ charles_leclerc back off american 🤺

↳ zoyatorres you're not my dad!

↳ user4 and we know who wouldn’t have dad’s approval.

¡leclerc-s speaks! american rookie it’s your time to shine baby! although you haven’t had the best season, we still love you. double update today baby!! manifesting a win or podium for charles this weekend

¡disclaimer! this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!

[murder-drones-4ever]

I’m turning my blog into just one large vent post. Today’s not going well. So here’s a poem.

the first time I cut, it was an accident. My pencil sharpener broke, and sliced my hand. It felt good. That day I returned home, arms covered in blood. There was shattered glass on the sidewalk as I walked home, I planned to use it as an alibi.

nobody noticed. Nobody cared. What did I expect?

day after day, I used the blade. Cold metal cut into my skin, staining red. While my dad never cared, never looked at me, in pain, red dripping to the floor,

…

other people did. Friends, teachers, they noticed. Asked if I was ok. I said yes. For in my eternal pain, words of bullies stabbed into my heart, I never hurt myself to end the sadness with the sweet release of death. No, I couldn’t, WOULDN’T, leave this earth. It felt great, scars on my arms and hands, the pain that had once hurt, now a sweet relief. An instant of pain, for the gratification, the knowledge that even if others hurt me, I was in control. I could hurt myself more than they dared to. While words were thrown, at that stupid, ugly, wreck of a girl, the offenders never stopped to ask how it hurt. Had they known that the scratches made on the soul had bloomed into the red petals made by the happiness that kid had felt, engraving years of pain onto their skin. How in that moment, blood seeped from the wounds, memories of things that had come from the mouths of other. What was tossed around casually hit their mark. Tears and blood flowed. Constant pain and issues in trust. If they had known their words would land so tragically, would they have said what they said?

that’s a question I dread to ask. I don’t want people to treat me like a broken piece of trash. I don’t want to be less than human. I want to be a god. Bloodstained and broken, a god.

the glass still burns against my arm. That’s the price I have to pay for my weak emotional state. I don’t care, I’ll live in pain if it means their words won’t kill me before my own blade does.

[emanonandtheirshitposting]

this is a vent post about my working experience

I envy my autistic coworker because he tells everyone he's autistic so easily and I can't do that. because I'm scared people are gonna treat me differently, because they wouldn't believe me or judge me and I won't fit in even more than now

I also envy him because he's responsible only for his own actions but I am responsible for myself AND for him because he does the job poorly and I have to keep an eye on him all the time. I'm SO tired. I'm autistic too! I wish I could just do my own thing and not worry about him and how we're all gonna get in trouble because of him (that happened a few times already). I cannot physically control everything around me for both of us this is driving me crazy. I'm also in pain all of the time and it doesn't help me work better and be focused enough to keep an eye on him constantly

he's a great guy and he can be really helpful if I tell him to do something but he mostly doesn't do anything and just stares at his phone and once in a while goes to "clean the guest restroom" (he goes there to vape). but still working with him is better than working alone because our pizza place often is super busy and I'm bad at multitasking. I'm just venting because I'm super tired and in pain

[moonjxsung]

so we're all struggling right now huh ... 😭

just want to let everything out, you don't have to read or post this ml <3

tw for sexual trauma mention ? not sure

im really upset recently because i had to cut off the only guy i found myself comfortable being around, and guess why !! he wanted my body !!! 💯💯💯🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊🍻🍻🍻🍻👏🥳🥳🍻🎈🎈 no but seriously im really upset. he was an awful texter and communicator, and he knew i had really big struggles with abandonment PLUS attachment. i had to beg him to text me back and just talk to me, which he still didn't unless i was (reluctantly) flirting with him or if i was venting to him and needed him.

we saw each other in person while he was at my work for a while, and then tried to literally have sex with me there ???????? i told him no and brushed him off since i was uncomfortable with it (it's my fucking job hello why are u trying to fuck). about a week before he came to see me, i opened up to him about my sexual trauma and disassociation issues, and he literally said "i don't even wanna touch you now" after. PLEASE TELL ME IF IM TWEAKING BUT THAT REALLY UPSET ME WTF and then also made fun of me when i was having a disassociation episode ummmmm anyway!

i texted him and again begged him to talk to me and asked him why he acted the way he did, and he apologized so i thought he'd change. HE DIDNT 🔥🔥🔥🔥

he continued to flirt and be sexual with me even though i wasn't really comfortable with it, but i was really attached so i let him get away with it even though i knew i shouldn't. then i told him how i was panicking about that old guy at my job (the one i told you about WHO GOT FIRED WE CHEERED) and he completely left me to deal with it on my own and i was PANICKING. i even texted him twice after my meeting and he still to this day hasn't texted me back (i texted two weeks ago). i haven't reached out since and he hasn't checked on me once 🔥🔥🔥🔥 me when i attach to cold nonchalant men who i think i can fix then end up hurting myself 🔥🔥🔥🔥

-🦢

Ohhhhhh classic case of a man only keeping you around because he wants to use you but he’s a fucking terrible person in every sense of the word!!!! I know this trope very well it sounds like my ex 😍 and then they only reach out when they want nudes or to sext and then they disappear again 😍 mmmm yeah do that thing again where you treat me like fucking garbage and I’m too stupid and naive to walk away 😍 so hot

Also not him trying to have sex at ur place of work….. AND THEN WHAT HE SAID WHEN YOU OPENED UP ABT YOUR TRAUMA???? HELLO?????????????? Hoooooly fucking shit I am so sorry I literally had a visceral reaction to READING THIS I want to k!ll him actually

Cold nonchalant men who ghost u unless they want sexual favors in return my beloved 🔥 exactly my type 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 I am so fucking sorry jfc please tell me you’re aware that you deserve SO much better and you dodged a bullet with him 😭😭 sending all my love I guess we really are just going THRUUUU it this week. Who else up ruminating and yearning for the past so they could go back in time and do it differently 😍 feel better bby I’m here if you need anything :( 🫶

[schizochasm]

I went to the store.

My mom sent me 100sek less than she said. So I had to cut some stuff and accept that I'll not have money for the rest of the week.

I still got 2 6packs though. Cause if I hadn't I would've been even worse off.

I was supposed to start watching SVU while waiting for the bus, but my friend called. They were very upset, but at least it saved me from watching it.

Rant about him and my life

TW: (sc1de talk, abuser, hopelessness, and just horrific shit tbh. Proceed at your own risk.)

Once I got home I smoked 2 ciggies in the bathroom venting at him. About how I don't even care anymore and if I had the money I wouldn't talk to anyone anymore. And just let go of what I "need to do" to keep my life together. Just isolate and go back to being g drunk 24/7. Cause I just don't care anymore.

And I told him how I feel about him. How much I hate him etc. even though I know he knows. He's in my head. He knows all of what I think and feel. More than I do sometimes.

I just needed it said.

That's when I made my last post.

After that it was time to watch fucking SVU.

And I'm not even through episode 1 and already hate him for it. And myself.

I can't. I can't cope.

I hate myself for getting this way. For being sick. For being schizophrenic.

And for not listening to him when I should've.

I hate him for ruining my entire life ever since I first met him. Especially after I got sicker years ago and he came back.

But everyone keeps saying he's technically me. He's part of me. He's from my brain.

But he may be from my brain. But he's not me. Fuck that. He's not me. He's nothing like me and he's just horrific terrible scum.

Yet I can barely muster being mad at him anymore.

It's been years. Years.

I'm more submitted, broken, and scared than angry.

That anger, fight, and animosity... It's almost all gone...

He broke me long ago.

And it only got worse over time.

I'm not even one cohesive identity anymore. Not to me.

I'm broken.

And people with abusers that "are real" can escape. There's hope. Somewhere in there you might escape. It might end one day.

But me with my "not real" abuser doesn't get that. For about 2 years I held on to hope.

"One day it'll all get better." And similar. I heard it so much I believed it deep down. That one day maybe it'll all end.

One day he'll stop. He'll go away again and I can start healing and making a life.

I don't have hope anymore.

Not anymore.

It's been at Least 2.5y.

At Least.

I suck at keeping track.

You break.

You fold.

You lose hope.

I can't run. He's in my head.

I can't go to the cops or a shelter. He's in my head.

The meds aren't enough to make it stop. (Maybe if I had a decent dr it could've worked.)

Therapy can't help me cause I'm Currently being controlled and abused, in every category of abuse.

I wish I were dead.

I wish I could k1ll myself.

But my younger brother died 2 years ago.

And since then I don't have it in me to k1ll myself.

Can't do that to my mom and brother. They can't lose us both.

So I'm stuck living.

In a hell scape that people want to just brush off and ignore. Cause to them it's not real. To them it doesn't matter.

It's real to me.

I experience it as if it were real.

But they don't treat me like that's what I'm dealing with.

And I can't even tell them outright myself.

Cause he won't allow me to talk about it. They know. More or less depending on who. But they don't treat it like that's the case. And they never will.

Cause they can't see the scars, rope burns, rashes, cuts, brandings...

They can't see him. Hey can't hear him.

It's not real to them.

It's not the same to them as if it were in shared reality.

I just wanna die.

I just want out.

I don't have a life to hold onto.

I'm just doing it cause I Have to.

Sorry for the rant....

I just....

I wish I could kms...

Maybe one day I'll mercy k1ll myself ...

Maybe one day....,

[hewasntcareful]

Hey guys, sorry for not posting anything here for a while. I've been posting on Twitter but not here since almost all my friends are there and it's kind of difficult to keep it up here. Funny enough, I actually prefer Tumblr over Twitter because I can make long posts. Normally I like to treat my art like a diary or something like that, but thanks to Twitter's stupid limit, I can't really do that, and I am NOT willing to pay Elon for a subscription in order to make slightly longer posts. But after the drama I started yesterday, I feel like I should return here. There's a bunch of art that I haven't posted here and therefore it's going to take some time. Part of what makes posting here difficult is because of the fact that I treat my art like a diary, so I force myself to write a lot. But don't get me wrong, I love it when I do that, writing is a lot of fun, although it can get exhausting at times. Therefore I often find myself not posting here because I genuinely feel the need to write something. I know that nobody reads them and I'm kind of just talking to a wall, but it feels great to let it out. I don't vent in these either, I just want to talk about myself and the drawing I posted as well. Either way, thank you guys for your patience and sorry for the absences. I'll see if I can build up the motivation to be active here once again. :)

[slymewitch]

Vent post

Im always scared that my separation anxiety and jealousy when left out of stuff makes me force myself into situations. That it makes people add me to things even if they don’t want me there just to make me happy.

It makes me self destructive in a weird way. I’ll be let into some kind of thing after asking, but then I’ll wonder if maybe I wasn’t asked for a reason and they’re only letting me go along because they’d feel bad otherwise. So then even after being let in I’ll try to argue against me being added or ask are you sure a lot. Or just change my mind entirely.

And then if I do end up doing something with someone and then they start something else or have been doing something else that seems fun I’ll just avoid asking about it because for some reason I have these imaginary friend coins in my head that are limited and can only be spent on a few things at a time.

I just constantly have this idea in my head that I’m not a friend, I’m an inconvenience. That I’m only acceptable in small doses. That I’m there because I want to be not because anyone else wants me there. That spending time with friends isn’t a right, its something I can do once in a while as a treat. That companionship is a privilege.

So then I end up not doing the thing I wanted to do and I feel miserable about it. I don’t know how to stop putting myself in this cycle.

[braineater444]

Hi to the five people that still think about this blog. I’ve been writing a new fic and honestly idk if it will ever come out because it feels more personal than ever. It’s about Kokonoi if anyones reading this. But that’s not what I want to talk about. I need the anonymity and freedom to complain about all the emotions and thoughts this fic has brought out of me. This is a vent post about my personal life.

Recently, a couple months ago, I lost my virginity and got into my first ever relationship. I’m bipolar and I was manic when it happened and I feel so ashamed and I don’t know what to do or say.

I try to disengage from sentimentality, but I’ve always been sensitive about everything. I understand virginity isn’t important. I get that, but I was so scared and taken aback when it happened. I have this deep rooted fear of being alone and I didn’t know what to do. I kept letting them touch me and come into my home and I never said anything. Everything they did hurt so bad and still I wanted to be with them because it was the first time I’d been given such attention. The first time I went that far and I scrambled to hold it together. I told them I wanted to be in a relationship and I knew in my heart that I wasn’t ready for that, but I didn’t know any other choice.

Naturally, this doesn’t fell like it’s going well and I’m all torn up on the inside. I tried to break up with them once, but I felt to overcome by grief and stayed. We argue over things I wouldn’t consider to be huge issues. They can’t stand the things I say or do and they think I hate them. I’m not sure I don’t. But maybe a week ago I held them while they cried in my bed at 2 am. I was tired and already dozing off, but I stayed up because I didn’t want them to feel as if I didn’t care. I’m bad with affection so I let them cry for a while and didn’t ask questions after I realized they weren’t going to answer me. Then, I helped the best way I knew how. I brushed their hair, painted their nails, and put glitter under their eyes. I felt so sad and distraught the entire time.

My family adores them. They think my partner is funny. They’re right. My partner is wonderfully charismatic. Sometimes I’m jealous of how well they navigate socially. I’m no good with others, so I do most things alone. Hell, most of the time we argue over the phone and I just hang up and put my phone on do not disturb. I can’t navigate anything to do with others for the life of me. It’s a little funny.

Regardless, when it’s good, its good. When it’s bad it feels like the end. They do things I don’t do and want things I don’t want. It hurts my head and I never no what to think. They’re so beautiful, but so jealous. I feel like I’m being treated like the one who cheated on them, but I’m not. I was never the girl that cheated on them, but I feel like I’m being punished in her stead. I’m feeling things I’ve never felt before and it’s all so contradictory. I feel shredded.

Because the world is so dark right now, I can’t cry. I think it’s really selfish to do. But, my fashion and creative expression is all I have to cling on to right now. I’ve turned to the aesthetics of religion and movies about women who’ve lost it to wallow. I’ve been looking for beautiful mantillas and rosaries despite being agnostic on my best day and an atheist on my worst. I’ve been reaching for prayer candles and investing in stories of women suffering more and more. Sometimes, I think my pain is what binds me to womanhood. I used to question myself, but this pain is undoubtedly feminine. I feel both empty and full.

Several times I thought to say “I think we started having sex too soon, we should stop for a while.” And every time I can’t bring myself to do it. It feels like an arduous labor of love. I dreaded it in the beginning, but I think I’ve tricked myself into craving it. But I’m so confused because now my body betrays me when I tell myself I don’t want it. I don’t understand a single thing.

I don’t feel like myself anymore, but I’m not depressed or unhappy, just lost. I want to return to something and it feels like I’m grieving whatever that is. Surely it isn’t my downright awful girlhood. Or my hymen. Or the time before this where I was consistently alone. I’m confused and hurt.

It’s so weird to have one person’s undivided attention. I used to think this is what I wanted. I used to day dream about it. I knew it’d be hard, but this is more painful than I imagined. I tried talking to my friends, but I can’t be this blunt with them for fear of disparaging comments from people I adore. I just need a blank slate. Someone faceless and voiceless to talk to. I don’t have to pretend to be tough like I always do (even in the privacy of my own home) or pause to answer questions. I just need to talk.

With that, I’m sorry if my next fic (if it comes out) is more psychological than anything if you guys aren’t into that. With the mess in my head I couldn’t find another way. I need something self indulgent and ridiculous because I love my partner. I really do.

[hawkeyedflame]

Hey I'm not gonna lie, you sound like a quack in your recent posts. Even if there is truth to what you're saying, you have to realize your statements sound incredibly out of touch.

It is generally considered common knowledge that many of the conditions you list in your original post have genetic factors, and some of them are known to run in families. Even if there is some research suggesting otherwise, people are going to react strongly to it.

Many people have had relatives die from say, cancer, and to see someone on the internet make a claim that cancer can be treated with a zero-carb diet would immediately be insulted. It is also generally considered common knowledge that people need some carbs to survive, and while this may not be true, putting claims like these together is naturally going to confuse and anger people.

I noticed also that your bio says you are a clinical biologist. Since that does make you a professional, you have to realize that when you say things like what you've said in your recent posts, your words have more weight to them. When you're already saying things that you should know are going to confuse and anger some people, that makes it even worse, because now you don't sound like just some quack on the internet, you sound like a quack who might be in a position that could allow what sounds like harmful ideas that go against generally common knowledge to hurt people.

I know all of that is a stream of wild conclusions based on incomplete context, but that is how many people who will see your posts will think. I'm trying to tell you you have shit in your teeth.

That's a whole lot of words to tell me you've never once in your life considered that the people and institutions who have all the power, money and subliminal influence over your life might have a vested interest in keeping you ignorant and complacent.

Or, tell me you don't know how to think scientifically without telling me you don't know how to think scientifically. Don't feel insulted though, most people don't actually know how, even in so-called scientific fields. "Common knowledge" and "scientific knowledge" is ever-shifting. Things we believed were true yesterday could be proven disastrously false tomorrow. It happens all the time. As for these diseases being known to be genetic, it's simply not true. The evolutionary scale is far too large to see true genetic changes in three to four generations as we've seen with modern illnesses. There is something different going on, likely several somethings. Welcome to complex biological systems. Study some evolutionary biology, because you clearly do not have any sense of the scale of time. (Don't feel bad though, neither do the medical professionals who have handwaved apparent "running in families" as genetic instead of looking for a biologically plausible explanation.)

As for my profession putting me in a position of authority, thanks for noticing. I'm completely aware of that. I happened to have studied these topics deeply and consider myself relatively qualified to disseminate information about them. That being said, I would like to reiterate once again, that I was very explicit in the inciting post that my purpose in making that post was not to start discussion but to vent frustration onto my personal blog, which at the end of the day is still a space for me to express myself however I see fit. Other people can do what they like about that fact. If you hate what I said and you hate that I'm saying things you think are false or dangerous, then the door is wide open. You're not locked in here with me. I do not care if you stay or go.

[engagedtobefree]

I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own. 

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun. 

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever. 

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship. 

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right. 

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it. 

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha. 

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason. 

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

[rainbowkuriboh]

I spend a little time on twitter these days. Not much, but a little. My brother sends me tweets that I look at, and then I peek around my feed a little bit. Not much, but a little.

All this to say, that there's been talk going around on twitter. Probably not a huge conversation, but it's landed itself on my feed, and I've seen pieces of it, and I've been thinking about it a lot.

And it revolves around what is and isn't healthy in friendships, things you are and aren't supposed to do for your friends.

It always brings to mind a certain tumblr post, one that I probably couldn't find if I looked because tumblr search is awful, about how you are supposed to be there for your friends, and how friends leaning on each other isn't always equal. How being a good friends means staying up to listen to them vent even if that means you'll lose sleep, because they'll do the same for you, and sometimes one friend will lean more than another, but that doesn't make the friendship unhealthy, because that's just life.

And it makes me think. About how therapist speech is just letting people give themselves excuses to be nasty to their friends. "Letting me vent" turns into "I'm becoming your therapist". Any decent therapist would tell you that you're supposed to have a good support system outside of them, but nah, I've had that phrase flung at me for seeking support from people I trusted when I wasn't able to have the support of a therapist to begin with because I was on a waiting list, and they knew that.

Friendship isn't supposed to be commodified like that. I genuinely don't know how to explain you're supposed to be there for and listen to your friends.

Instead I've had that support flung back in my face in such a traumatizing way that I'm afraid to vent to just about anyone about anything. Because I'm terrified of "turning people into my therapist". Despite the fact that I have one now, and she encourages me to have a support system outside of just her.

And it was flung in my face because... I was showing symptoms of a personality disorder.

Labelling myself with a diagnosis isn't as important to me in my mental health as managing the symptoms. Whether I have bpd is neither here nor there to me right now, and while I suspect I do, some piece of paper labeling me doesn't matter to me as much as knowing myself and how I can act sometimes and using that knowledge to try to prevent myself from hurting other people. I don't think I'm even formally diagnosed with depression or anxiety. But I'm still treating and managing that.

I try to be very self aware about how my actions can hurt other people. I let my guard down once, and it was flung in my face with further trauma.

But this makes me terrified to lean on others for support. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. And I don't want to hurt people I care about.

It doesn't make it okay for me to suffer in silence, but my anxiety won't let me do anything else.

I want people to be able to vent to me. I want to be able to find that same support.

And it's not that I couldn't have it.

I've just been fooled into thinking I can't. And it's a hard feeling to combat

I don't know what my overall point here is or how to finish this. Just.

I'm sorry

[blazewatergem]

I have the overwhelming desire to talk about some of my recent Original Writings projects therefore you all shall be receiving ramblings/sales pitch on this post. You have been warned ;D

Bloody Roses: I’ve actually posted a chapter of this on my ao3 already! It’s heavily inspired by the online manwha I read, where the MC is isekai’d into the body of the main villainess, Amaris, a vampire queen. I’ve been joking it’s my spiciest story yet - but, considering me, it’s spicy in the same way pepper is spicy 😂 I’m mostly proudest of how I let myself really enjoy planning and writing for this. Like, I actually have Arcs written out! I think if you enjoy (obviously) monster romance, villain as the MC, and already established polyam relationships, you’ll like this one.

The Stars Above Midnight: Oh, this one. :’D Problem child of the group. The primary basis of it is how a new traveling doctor comes to a town called Midnight, claiming he wants to work there. He’s actually chasing down something his grandfather once saw, and the longer he stays in town - the more eyes are noticing him. This is pretty much my take on supernatural western(very much modern times though) with a lot of planned lingering dread. It’s my way of seeing how well I can do suspense and unease :3 I’m proudest of the scenes I’ve planned out already for this, two of them I am ECSTATIC to share once it’s time. If you like small town mysteries, country folk with secrets, and seeing eyes in the corn fields - this one’s for you!

The Song from Beneath: Funny enough, I refer to this one as The Stars Above Midnight’s “companion piece” despite them not being remotely related. It has a similar start in a private eye/detective coming to a isolated forest town looking for answers, but that’s where it veers off wildly. From missing people to disturbing dreams, this story is what I like to consider my deepest dive into Lovecraft Country. It’s also going to need tags like body horror, occult(but like, the fantasy kind), and of course - Eldritch terrors :D I’m proudest of how much I’m getting out of my standard style with this one. I haven’t really done extreme horror before, let alone Lovecraft Country style! And if things work out, I’m hoping this’ll be my scariest yet. Looking for dark drama, a board with pins and pictures all tied up in string, and a MC who starts to question their very reality? Look no further.

Instinct: My second isekai story on this list! This story is about a woman named Jax, who now takes on the role of “Evil Witch” in the world she’s ended up in. Except, she really isn’t about that life, and has a bone to pick with a lot of the people in this place. What’s the bone about? The kids. This story is mostly my agitation with how some kids in these fantasy stories/manwha get treated. I had a friend(*waves* Hi Sil!) call this a vent piece, and looking at it - she’s pretty right on the target. It will have fun, fluff in it too, but it’s really a bit of a power fantasy for me. I’m proud of this piece because it, it doesn’t have a big storyline or huge plot. It’s just me having fun, and writing what makes me happy. Sure, I do that anyways, but for this one - it’s all hands on deck. If any of this resonates with you, if you want strong “family is what you make it” vibes, or if you just want cute kid characters to coo over, here’s your story.

Help! The Evil Family Likes Me?!: Here we are at Isekai story number three. Heavily inspired by manwha that focus on the MC’s relationships with their new families, I’ve decided to try my hand at it. I’ve decided for this story, I wanted to focus more on familial relationships rather than romantic ones, so I’ve put the work in by plotting out the family and the history of said family HEAVILY. It’s a story about our MC, Evangelina Linwood, learning that while she’s read her share of manwha and knows the typical beats, it’s all different the minute you step into one yourself. With three brothers and a father to juggle, getting used to noble society, and trying to stay out of the main story’s way, she has her hands full. I’m proudest of, again, the work I’ve put into worldbuilding and her family. I believe I can honestly call it, my finest world yet. If you enjoy platonic and familial relationships in the spotlight, ruthlessness in the name of love, and learning to be accepted…well, your story starts here!

Thanks for reading 💜 I hope at least one of these sounds good! :D