#i wanna say sniper tbh

[5eraphim]

out of the merc's parents shown in cannon, who do we think would be most likely to hold onto old baby clothes "just in case" the might get passed down to their child's child?

(i really wanna put engie's parents here bc i just got the sense they would, but unfortunately- not shown in canon so :/)

[bacchuschucklefuck]

just realized after sophomore year's article class swap riz would 100% have assassins after him

[lubrumalis]

konig headcanons! (realistic)

tw: nsfw

all of these are realistic hc! dont expect a normal konig

hes NOT a shy awkward pushover, just because he has social anxiety??? we can see through his voice lines hes a very cocky person and speaks rather agressively

“lets be honest, its better off in my hands.”

i hc that just because konig has social anxiety, he doesn’t express this through bring soft and shy, he expresses it through his bluntness

konig wanted to be a sniper but did not because he couldn’t stand still, has social anxiety, i hc he has some form of adhd

his very cocky and blunt shouting isn’t because hes mean, but he just doesnt wanna be seen as that bullied kid he once was

hes doesnt have horrible EQ, but the kind of guy to be incredibly unfiltered

also, this guy was literally assigned as a human battering ram, you think hes all soft and sweet???😅😅😅

no he won’t get angry or cry if his mask is taken off. just annoyed.

its not actually canon that konig is a colonel (correct me if im wrong, i couldnt find anything on the official wiki) but lets assume hes one anyway

even if he isnt, gets paid well. really well.

private military companies that deploy soldiers in areas of active conflict can pay up to hundreds of thousands for one soldier

considering konigs age (late 30s at least) and skills, probably 400-500k a year.

chose to join the military because he had an obsession with tanks and guns as a kid

a lot of hc’s say hes 6’10. i disagree, simply based off of chances and the fact thats wayyyy too tall for the military

but he was described as a mountain, so id say his height is around 6’5-6’8

very very intimidating. hes tall big and has the mask of an executioner in the 15th century. who wouldn’t be scared?

definitely will say some random german word in a situation where no one else there knows german. he doesn’t give a damn lol

hates americans (thinks theyre all obese, mannerless, and bad at geography)

brings up the most random topics. again i really think konig has adhd.

konig was not good at school and hated it, mainly due to the anxiety and how he couldn’t pay attention

also why he chose the path of a soldier

drinks lots of beer, high alcohol tolerance, this guys a true european.

loves austrian or german food. loves schnitzel and pies.

konigs breakfast is literally sausages, toast, eggs, and sometimes beer

BIG APPETITE. he could eat for 3 people.

a little insecure about his appearance, not confident in his looks :( also why he hid his face

but as he grew older he uses the mask for actual purposes of concealing his identity, he is a special ops soldier after all

kind of a cheapskate. he chose to hide his face with what, polyester? chose a piece of cloth over everything else.

has very conservative beliefs. not to the point where he hates abortion and votes far right, konig is just a little confused about some things certain liberals believe in

pretty political person lmao

not enough info to conclude whether or not konig was abused as a kid tbh

he was definitely miserable for a period in his life. hes in the military living a monotone life, barely any contact with others, and constantly living in fear he’d die

i dont think hes as traumatized as ghost tho🙂🙂

konig appreciates his dna and how it makes him big and tall, but sometimes gets incredibly annoyed at it

mainly because well, he got bullied for itas a kid

because he specializes in hostage rescue a lot of hostages (especially kids) are scared of him and refuse to leave the area with him

takes a lot of convincing 🥲🥲

has a lot of intrusive thoughts

cannot use social media properly

also texts like an old grandpa. uses 😂 and 🤣 unironically.

“Can we have burgers 🍔 tonight🌃?”

probably uses a blackberry or reallyyyyy old iphone

relationship hcs:

konigs voice actor (jim boeven) stated in a livestream that konigs wife would ideally be a mix between maria pedraza (actress) and rachael from blade runner (character from movie).

both are 170cm ish and brunettes

i can actually see that—konig is massive and he probably prefers someone on the tall side

first thing you did that led to your relationship with him? you tolerated him that is. listened to him ranting😃

i can see him with a civilian or someone whos in the military tbh

finds you pretty at first

enjoys bickering, he needs someone to simulate his mind

you know those stories where his s/o is 5’2, clingy, soft af, and neeeeeeeds konig? haha you won’t be getting that from me.

unlike ghost, who really takes his time to get to know someone and opens up slowly, scared to have his trust broken again

konig charges in like the human battering ram he is😁

if he has a feeling you’re trustworthy you are trustworthy.

horrible at flirting. he doesn’t know how to talk to women smoothly

needs someone equally as weird and funny

s/o needs to be someone with very firm boundaries and can stand their ground, i think konigs a really stubborn person, so for a healthy relationship to work, s/o can’t be the generic bimbo

konig wears the pants in the relationship

doesn’t let you pay. he has a enough money and believes men should always pay

(im sorry to break your delusions) konig does not strike to me as someone who likes a docile homebody. thats ghost (if you remove the word docile).

he doesn’t like extremely dominant partners either

imagine someone who is a listener, accepting yet blunt, shares his quirks, and has a very elegant feel to them

also someone very independent

also gonna get killed for this but konig would realistically not go for a girl in her early twenties. he prefers elegance and sophistication over being cute and jumpy

hates one night stands.

values relationships more than you think. he can come off as strong at first, but hes trying his best

ecstatic when you tell him you wanna learn german (hes not a good teacher)

doesn’t like play fighting, he thinks he’s gonna accidentally hurt you

admires you a lot. he knows hes not the best looking person and doesn’t understand the makeup skincare dress up thing.

isn’t paranoid, but definitely doesn’t say he has an s/o

if you ever get mad at him, konig will tighten all jars in the kitchen so you have to ask him for help :)

extremely unfiltered. he hates your cooking? he will say it. that dress looks better than the other? he will say it.

[papil0nglegs]

What about the mercs with a fem SO that talks in brainrot sometimes? Would really want medic in there but it's up to you!

Mercs x Brainrot!Reader

A/n: WHY IS THE TF2 FANDOM SO OBSESSED WITH THIS IDEA? 😭 I SAW ANOTHER FIC ABT THIS AND TWO REQUESTS ASKING FOR THIS PLS

warnings: Brainrot.. a lot of images being used, it’s a shit post who cares tbh

Scout

He’s into it too

Guys it’s scout

“Scout ilysm ur so nonchalant <33”

“Thanks babe ^^ I know I’m pretty alpha”

(Oh btw the alpha thing isn’t a joke he unironically listens to alpha male podcasts)

In the middle of spy’s serious moments you’d both lip sync ‘you are my sunshine’ to each other when he’s not looking

“what the bloody hell are you guys doing..”

“…perhaps itz a coping mechanizm zince scout doesn’t have a father?”

Medic really had to take it there

The ‘fatherless child’ meme was a coping mechanism for him tho

“I’m a fatherless child, of course I have abandonment issues”

“Um babe? Idk if you should joke abt that 😚”

“Na it just makes me more sigma”

You guys love to fuck with the blu team sm with your shenanigans, esp sniper!!

Scout would have his bat and you would have whatever weapon you have with you and yell “skibidi” before jumping him

Here’s something he DEFINITELY didn’t learn from you 💯

creds to urwhouchoose2b on Tik tok

Engineer

He tries so hard to understand

Whenever you show him a meme he does the classic old person holding phone away from eyes thing

Yk the

“Ok so this is the ‘im nothing like y’all’ fish”

“alrighty, and this is..?”

“Oh that’s the Freddy five bear meme, see it’s funny cuz his name is actually ‘Freddy fazbear’ but they got his name wrong so like.. yeah”

“…I’m not sure what I’m ‘posed to say ‘bout this, but I think you belong in a looney bin”

Once he had a project that had the word “alpha” in it and he hated mentioning it to you cuz yk

“giggle”

“…what?”

“Skibidi alpha”

“What??”

Demo man

HE LOVES IT LMFAOO

he’s so energetic esp when he’s drunk so he’s happy to have someone he can share that energy with

Y’all know that “Scotland forever” meme

Well you screamed it after another victory as a joke, but when demo heard it he was confused but also excited?

“SCOTLAND FOREVAA”

“OH? ALRIGHT THEN, SCOTLAND FOREVER 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿”

cut to him butt chugging beers

Demo doesn’t get it but he has the spirit

He’ll be right there replicating the TikTok audios after taking the point

Dude is drunk 99% of the time so he’s never bothered to ask what any of this means, he’s just in it for the fun

Once you dragged him to the bathroom since he drake too many beers (shocker) but he didn’t want to do it in the toilet cuz he didn’t want to ‘hurt his dear skibidi’

“Cmon demo you have to puke it out!!”

“Noo, take me to the jawbox I don’t wanna hert me skibidi toilet”

“Oh god what have I done”

I think you rotted his brain a little too much

Spy

Don’t even get him started.

He’s so sick of your antics it’s not even funny

“Guys we all have to remember that it’s not about the money.. it’s about the skibidi.”

Passionately grabs spy’s shoulder

“How have you made it this far in life”

Unlike engie, he really doesn’t want to know about it

Especially during missions

“lol spy you’re so devious ASF”

“shhh, enough blabbering!!”

“You are not carti 😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️❌‼️‼️‼️”

You make fun of him a bunch, he can’t think of a single moment where you took him seriously

“Y/n get off the cart!!”

“If we were in Fortnite I’d have higher ground + double pump.”

[struggling-author]

Imagine a spy x family au of clark Kent (Superman) as yor forger and Bruce Wayne as Loid

lmao that actually works surprisingly well!

I am tempted to make this for WonderBat but I will resist

So Bruce is still Batman in this universe, but the villain he is currently after is Ra‘s al Ghul, who never shows his face in public except for at the private school his grandson attends.

Since he is also still Bruce Wayne, getting in won‘t be a problem but well… he needs a kid for that, and unfortunately he is fresh out.

Luckily, on the day Ra‘s trail leads him to the school, he runs into reporter Clark Kent who is writing a piece on Eden College. As they talk, Clark mentions how his son Jon dreamt of getting into the school, but unfortunately he couldn’t afford it, so immediately a plan forms in Bruce‘s head. He and Clark will pretend to be married so he can use his Wayne money and influence to get Jon in. Clark of course refuses because he can’t ask that of someone he just met - though in that very moment his super senses pick up on something, Bruce has been followed (he’s not as careful in this Universe I guess, bear with me I need this for the story lol) and a sniper is about to shoot him. Clark reacts on instinct throwing himself at Bruce, pushing him out of the way, then takes his hand to run into an alleyway. Some shots hit Clark but he is unaffected and Bruce pretends not to notice. The sniper catches up to them from the roof above, so Clark knowing nothing else to do takes a pebble and throws it with just the right speed to knock him out without killing him (assume this is possible, Idk). His excuse is:

„I used to be pebble throwing champion at the eagle scouts, I have a badge to prove it“ (he actually does lol)

Bruce is not an idiot and doesn’t buy it, but he seizes the opportunity to say that now after Clark saved him he is in his debt, so he will help his son get into the school. Clark still tries to interject, but Bruce stops him by pulling a clip from his pocket (usually used for grappling lol) and grabbing his hands.

„I swear to you, for saving my life, I will do everything in my power to get your son into Eden College, and until my debt is paid, I will be your husband and this ring shall represent my promise.“ as he puts the clip on the finger of a very flustered Clark.

And so it happens that Clark and Jon move into Wayne Manor and Bruce gets Jon into Eden, where Jon meets Damian and they become immediate rivals.

Shenanigans ensue as Bruce tries to get Jon closer to Damian without being too obvious, while also trying to figure out wtf is up with his new husband and adopted son because they are clearly not human and very bad at hiding it. He gets struck by Loid Forger loveblindness though, so he never makes the connection to Superman (who he knows exists but has probably never met) and over time he starts caring less and less about it because he has always wanted a family and it feels so good after being alone all his life and he doesn’t wanna ruin it it’s just for the mission anyway and Clark is clearly too good a person to be a threat so it doesn’t matter. Or maybe he figures it out immediately and spends the rest of the story pretending to ignore the blatantly obvious ways in which Clark reveals himself and nodding at all his ridiculous excuses. (I might prefer this one tbh 😆)

There‘ll probably also be an arc where Bruce learns Damian is actually his biological son and has an emotional crisis.

Clark spends all his time badly hiding his identity, all the while never realizing his partner is actually Batman, despite him sneaking out every night and coming back with bruises (he knows that from his powers but he thinks it’s not his business what Bruce does in his private time, so he tries not to think about it)

So both still go on their superhero missions and if you want they can meet as heroes too and then you basically get Miraculous Ladybug lol

Maybe they also adopt Krypto for Jon.

Oh and I‘m imagining Lois died at some point when Jon was still very young, so him and Bruce really bond over that and Bruce remembers the reason for his mission, so that no child would ever have to lose their parents again (which gets complicated as he still fully plans to leave them once he has captured Ra‘s)

Franky is Alfred btw so Jon still gets a cool Uncle.

Maybe there is also a subplot where Clark spends his whole time fending off enemies trying to attack his completely normal civilian husband (how weird of them, right?) because the sniper managed to escape and leaked his identity. Luckily most his villains don’t believe such a ridiculous conspiracy theory (I mean spoiled billionaire Bruce Wayne as Batman? how laughable!) so only some local gangs come after him.

That’s all I got for now, feel free to add on lol and thanks for the ask.

[honkshoo-zzz]

How I see the Mercs within the LBGTQ+ Community

cause i keep seeing people posting things and EVERYONE KEEPS GETTING IT WRONG!! /j who cares i jus wanna make a funky list too

Scout: Def Bisexual, Trans ftm (can take or leave)

Probably has a preference for women

Probably doesn’t realize he likes men until he works with them 24/7 and all of his coworkers are hunky n sweaty and maybe a lil flirty

If trans, used Sex Bom tattoo to cover top surgery scars. Even though it’s definitely just worse than just having ts scars lmao

Soldier: Bisexual and Poly

I just love him dating Zhanna and Demo honestly

Fuck it, other mercs too, if they wanted

Tbh I also fuck with aro/ace vibes for him, he’s just kinda around for a good time with the homies in my mind. Both is good

I do see his preference being fairly equal though. Too busy thinking about his love for the US to think too much about tiddies/ass/etc.

Pyro: Def Ace, and either Aro or Lesbian in my mind. Also Nonbinary.

Either gender-fluid or just straight-up no gender enby. no in-between in my eyes.

I’m mostly all for Aro/Ace Pyro but I saw some Pyro x Ms. Pauling art and. love that. ugh, decisions…

Feel like they use whatever pronouns. Don’t gaf, will never gaf

Also no sex cause the suit just doesn’t come off. Also too busy setting shit on fire to care. More important shit to do.

Demoman: Pansexual and Poly

Again, dating Soldier who is also dating Zhanna

He’s also in a longterm relationship with Eyelander. Don’t ask too many questions about how that works though. But they are.

Also doesn’t have a gender-preference (obviously, he’s married to a sword). Semi-opportunistic in that sense, I guess (again he’s married to a sword. how many times do i gotta—)

Heavy: Bisexual, preference for Men

Idk man but Heavy and Medic have been married for a long time in my eyes

Also I feel like he participated in his sisters’ longing to “see another man” while living in Russia, had a similar reaction to meeting Medic upon taking the Merc job as Zhanna meeting Scout/Soldier

(For those who have yet to read the comics, that reaction basically just being: “you are man. I am horny. let’s bang.” and Medic would just be like o///o “aight” I think)

Biggest trans supporter tho, idk why but it just makes sense he would be the first to punch the teeth out a transphobe. Defends other mercs when confronted about gender shit 100%

Engineer: Bisexual, preferring Women; ftm Trans

The more top surgery art I see of him, the more I fall in love with trans Engie. It’s basically canon to me now. You can take this from my cold, dead hands.

Idk not much else to say. He’s a switch, though, if that adds much of anything HXSKFJEJX

No bottom surgery in my mind, either. Just makes his own straps n shit, cause he can (one of his 11 PhDs was in sex, actually, did you know?)

Medic: Gay, ftm Trans (again, can take or leave)

The most bottom-gay I’ve ever seen, personally (idk how else to phrase it, forgive me)

Again, I feel like he’s been married to Heavy for a long time

If trans, did his own top and bottom surgery, probably at the same time, cause he knew he could and he’s fucking insane (scars are a little wild as a result but he wears them with pride)

Sniper: Gay. das it HFSKFJEK

Gay, but the type of guy where you’d never know til his fuckin boyfriend walks out and kisses him or sum

Also he’s exclusively a top in my mind. Idk why but I feel like he’s got control issues HHEEKLEDP

Again, not super out-spoken about his sexuality, but *will* go out of his way to stab a homophobe. Not kill them from a distance, specifically stab. Shit’s more personal that way (is that too morbid? sorry)

Spy: Bisexual, Genderfluid

Another bottom, but will top if needed (like with most women, if he somehow gets with *another* bottom, etc.)

He’s also a whore. A slut, even. Good for him.

OH AND GENDERFLUID omg. Saw some stuff about that recently so it’s new to my pea brain but I like it.

Again, like Sniper, I feel like he wouldn’t really talk about his gender stuff a lot, but would discover this of himself when disguising himself as women and just feeling. Just as comfortable, if not more comfortable as them at times.

Kinda sensitive about it, though, probably. Will stab anyone who mentions it while he’s figuring it out. But gets better upon meeting the mercs and their gay-asses, lmao

“holy shit it’s not that crazy to like to have boobs sometimes” type-beat.

ok i’m done. again feel free to add stuff, fight me (like, as a bro), or whatever. Love talking about it cause I love these lil weirdos. Probably too much. oh well hdkafjejfk

[beanghostprincess]

i know we say sanji would be a straight up bitch to yassop when he inevitably reunites with his son, but what about the rest of the crew? nami and zoro especially have a lot of potential to be hilariously bitchy about yassop's shitty parenting and how amazing ussop turned out without him

meanwhile ussop is cringing in the corner cause "there is no need for this you guys, I know he had to leave for his dream" which only serves to make them angrier

I think Zoro and Nami would talk shit behind his back but they'd do it literally next to him so he can hear them. They'd be so protective of Usopp,,, Like, for real, Zoro would fucking hate his guts. Guard dog type of shit standing next to Usopp and looking at his dad menacingly and waiting in case he needs to get physical. If Yasopp tries to say something remotely fatherly-like and tries to teach Usopp any lesson (it doesn't matter if he's just telling him to, idk, grab a jacket bc it's cold) Nami would start criticizing him and yelling at him because "Who the hell do you think you are to talk to our sniper this way you piece of shit you father-wanna-be". <- Sanji would definitely join her, by the way. I think they'd be the Usopp Protection Trio.

The thing with Luffy is that he'd probably be too focused on Shanks to care, and besides, he knows Yasopp. Yasopp talked about Usopp to him. Luffy is literally the one who supports Usopp's feelings about all of this, saying that he had to fulfill his dream and stuff. If Usopp is fine with that, Luffy is too. Remember his father literally left to be the next Karl Marx and Luffy doesn't give a single fuck.

Robin understands Usopp perfectly because her mom had to leave her too, and she gets how the sniper feels. However, I think she'd be all nice but a bit passive-aggressive, her eyes turning all dark and scary for a moment when she says "It's okay, Usopp, your dad had to follow his dream. However, if you ever want me to break all of his bones, just say so <3" and it would be so scary and cool Sanji would probably fucking die from a nose bleed there. His dearest Robin-chwan talking shit about his boyfriend's shitty dad??? Beautiful.

The other members of the crew would be pretty neutral about this I think. Jinbe would tell everyone to calm down, mostly. Although I think Franky and Brook would be ready to protect Usopp if needed, but tbh Franky would be busy crying when Yasopp explains he feels guilty for leaving his kid behind.

In the end, I think all of them would end up listening to what Usopp has to say and would respect his opinion on what his dad did, and that's what matters.

[starr-finn]

Hi okay so for ur first tf2 req, I will go with something that isn't too specific lol

- So this can be for all, but you don't have to include Pyro and Heavy if you don't wanna do all

- So the prompt is, Medic has either become sick and can't participate in the fight, or he got an assistant medic (in the case for writing for Medic)

- And Reader is the replacement/assistant medic!

- She's kinda like a medic gf but in a /pos way

- So she's got the med gf outfit (blighted beak, das fantzipantzen, long pleated skirt) with a quick-fix (so she can follow rocket-jumpers and sticky-jumpers)

- She's also very nice and always compliments/thanks her team ('That was an amazing kill/shot' + 'Wow that was impressive' + 'Thanks so much for the dispenser/sandvich') bc yippee kindness

- You know the perennial petals effect? That's her-core (also yes, if needed can reader be fem)

- Here's some her-core photos

AWWWW YEAHHHH FIRST TF2 REQUEST!!! LESSGO!

I will 100% write this for you! This is such a cute request, as per usual! hope you like this one bestie! I won't add pyro because I really don't know how to write pyro lol, also to everyone reading, I'm trying to color code things now! helps me keep focused

TF2 Mercs with a medic GF!

Author's note: all of the Mercs without Pyro because I just can't write him so yay! Hope Y'all like this! I tried to make it super cute, also, just to point this out here too, Fem!Reader, and mentions of food in Heavy's part (Sandvich ofc) PRobably mistranslated russian, and german, the french is pretty damn obvious

Scout

Buddy boy here thinks you're super cool, and he loves having a medic GF!

You're always there when he gets hurt, and he loves it

he loves your constant compliments

"Wow Scout! Nice shot!"

He chuckles softly and smiles "Thanks cutie!"

Scout loves how gentle you are when you patch him up, he thinks its adorable

any time you mention anything about being proud of him for some crazy ass shot he pulled off he almost cries

Full on adores you

Calls you stuff like Cutie and Baby doll

Soldier

Bro gets into so much trouble it's not even funny tbh, dude stresses you out so much

He comes to you for everything because he enjoys how soft you are with him

He loves getting compliments from you, he just loves it

"Wow! great shot!" You smile, nodding softly at him

"Thank you Dearest" he salutes at you and then runs off to kill more people

Soldier will always drop everything to keep you safe (Defend your medics kids)

He gets hurt far to much for your liking but you honestly can't blame him in your job (and brain damage)

he is far too protective over you

Calls you Dearest and love

Demoman

Bro gets hurt sometimes, just because of his explosives, and you're always right there with him

He rambles about how much he loves you and how much he loves how gentle you are when he's drunk

He always basically drops dead when you compliment him

You smile over at him "Nice shot, dear!"

Demo looks down, lightly kicking at the dirt "Aww...thanks love..."

Demo will physically fight anyone that even dares to try anything with you

He loves how you're always there when he's far to drunk to move

Calls you stuff like Love and Darling

Sniper

Sniper doesn't get as hurt as often, he still gets injuries though

He'll keep you in his line of sight all the time and kill anyone that tries attacking you, super protective boy

as an introvert, homie almost loses it everytime you say something nice to him

Like pulls his hat down over his face flustered

"Woah!!! You're really good at that Snipes!" you smile softly and look up at him

Sniper blushes and covers his face with his hat "W-Well thank you"

now, dude will actually go to the ends of the earth to keep you safe

Healing his ass is super easy cuz this hoe stays still the whole time

Rambles about you to anyone who listens

Calls you stuff like "Roo" and "Little Koala"

Engineer (I absolutely adore this fucker)

Engie here is super easy to heal, still as a fucking stone

He likes to keep you safe, he absolutely loves you too much to let you get hurt yourself

He smiles softly and gets all blushy everytime you thank him or say something nice

"Thanks for the dispenser, love!"

He smiles and gently rubs the back of his neck "Awee thanks honey bee!"

Engie will hold your hand every time he's healing you

Helps you patch up some people

Brags that he managed to pull 'The sweetest damn woman alive"

Calls you 'Honey bee' and 'Sugar'

Medic

He's a doctor himself, so you both patch each other up!

actually tortured a guy for shooting at you

He always gets so damn cocky when you get all sweet with him

"Thanks for the heal Doc!" You smile and nod at him before running off

Medic chuckles softly and yells after you "You're welcome Engel!"

He likes when you help him with checkups!

He likes having you as a nurse around the infirmary

He doesn't really brag about you, unless he's like, SUPER drunk

Calls you 'Engel' and 'Schatz'

Heavy

Ok so Heavy gets hurt more than soldier does, he is heavy weapons guy after all

Like all the other mercs, he's super protective

Takes all the thanks, and praise so gracefully

"Thanks for the sandvich dear!" You smile happily chomping down on the sandvich

Heavy gently ruffles your hair before walking off "You're welcome Ангел'

stands in front of you in fights

Definitely towers over you btw

likes when you heal him up after a fight

Calls you stuff like 'Ангел' and 'Родна́я'

Spy

This old ass man is a tryhard with not getting hurt, it still happens

Protective, again

another cocky one with praise and thanks

"Wow! Impressive kill Dearest!" You smile softly looking over at him

He chuckles softly and nods "Thank you, Mon amour"

Shows you off constantly

Brags more than scout does

you're really one of the only people he lets touch him

Calls you 'Mon amour' and that alone

[therealjoejoemamakujo]

TF2 Mercs W/ a Sad Reader but it's My Personal Headcanons

This is very scary.. it's almost like posting an opinion on the internet.

Anyway-

The trilogy

THIS LEANS MORE TOWARDS RELATIONSHIP HEADCANONS BECAUSE WELL... THEY'RE MY OWN HEADCANONS.

SCOUT:

Freaking out a little bit

Really depends on how big your meltdown is

He'll might ask if you need anything

"What can I do???"

He'll stay with you and try to cheer you up, but he can be serious about it too if you need him to.

He'd just stay close to you the whole time to make sure you're fine

DEMO:

Will also become upset even if he doesn't know why you're upset

Might just be like "☹️" as you vent because like I said, if you're upset, he's upset (trying so hard to empathize tbh)

He'd probably offer you a drink bc as I've said before, it's what he does when he's upset (it's what he does with anything, though, so..)

Will give you a hug if you need it or ask for it (gives some great ones, full stop)

He'll also stay by your side for support

HEAVY:

Heavy will sit down with you and listen to you talk about whatever's bothering you.

You have his full attention for as long as you need it

Like Demo, he'll hug you, and the hugs are always awesome (no surprise there, I mean look at him)

He'll reassure you that you'll be fine

If he has to work, he'll make sure to check up on you in between jobs

SOLDIER:

He might actually stop talking once he sees that you're genuinely upset

Don't expect complete silence because he will interject with every two words that come out of your mouth

"What?" "Why?" "I don't get it."

He's trying the best he can because he barely understands what people are saying when it's not the national anthem

Still, he will give you (very) rough pat on the head

"'Keep your chin up.' Ghandi said that. >:D"

SNIPER:

A reoccurring theme with him, but he doesn't know what to do

Wants to reach out to you so badly it's not even funny

If he actually does, then he'll just hug you while you cry, or vent, or whatever it is you might do

"You'll be a'right."

Supportiveness all around

Will drag you around with him afterwards because he doesn't wanna let you go yet

PYRO:

They will listen to you quietly, not saying a word as you speak your mind

Once they know you're finished talking, they'll reach out and hug you tightly

Also expect pats on the head

(Sorry y'all, I don't really have anything for Pyro other than this.. can't think of anything)

MEDIC:

No, he will not drop everything for you.

Sounds mean, but he's a very busy man

That being said, he fully invites you to talk to him anyway

He likes listening to you vent about anything and everything

He'll pause work every now and then to ruffle your hair or comment on something, letting you know that he's not dismissing you

If he happens to finish with his work, then he'll drop everything and hold you because he's just been dying to do so

ENGINEER:

Will feel sad to see you upset

He'll try to finish his work as quick as he can so that he can talk and listen to you

He'll put his hand on your arm or thigh and just rub it reassuringly to calm you down

He'd also look you in the eyes the whole time so that you know he's listening (someone get him brown contacts now)

Once your finished speaking, he'll pull you in for a hug and stroke your hair

SPY:

I imagine he would pull you aside if he sees you're upset, not wanting to bring light to it in front of everyone else

He'll then sit you down and listen to you talk (probably after prying it out of you)

Will nod every once in a while to show he's listening, and he'll also make eye contact or at least keep his focus on you the whole time

He'd offer advice on things depending on what you're talking about

Afterwards, he might offer to let you stay with him in his smoking room, just so you can be with him

(Not even sure if I agree with myself on some of these, I sometimes can't remember what I think of them smh)

[itgirlgyu]

HOW I THINK GAMING WITH TXT WOULD BE LIKE!

authors note! —this was my first ever request!! i apologise for the inaccuracies of my gaming knowledge I've never played a game except for exclusively beginner version of solitaire or those old nokia snake mobile games.

YEONJUN

it's actually quite enjoyable

will talk hella smack before yall like get your hands on the controller

swears he's pro

p.r.o, he actually spells it out

I don't think he understands some rules either

nevertheless

he's actually good until he gets too fancy with his moves to show off

and then keeps on dying a few hundred times

and then he's quiet like yo iMMA focus

"imma set the money where the mouth is at"

still keeps losing the more he focuses

which is EXACTLY why it's worth playing with him.

man just hilarious to look at while he's getting his ass getting handed back to him

I'm not saying he's a sore loser but like maybe, like just a few dozen times, he will put in casual conversations that, he wasn't in particular flow that day so you should play with him again

rinse and repeat

if he wins, he's gonna use that against you for like half a year

SOOBIN

1/2 worst person to play with

catch me jack hammering a rusted nail into my feet rather than playing with him

THIS MAN is like so fucking smug

but like he gets to gloat bc HES GOOD AT GAMES

and that's the problem, is that that he's way too good and I hate that

like lose sometimes for new flavor maybe?

what's even worse is that he's like actually talented at games, like crazy

just go play for the country then mf

lifeless loser

and what's worse is that he'd be like so casual about it

like oh yeah I beat your ass 200 times, I guess I got lucky, I'm just such a natural.

but like in games

"biTCH QUIT WHINING ABOUT KILL STEALS. TRY TO STOP ME IF YOU CAN U CXNT ABHAHAAB"

I'm telling u he's shady

he gives off that one student in class whose like oh i didn't study for shit and ends up getting 98 percent.

play with him, but never against him.

BEOMGYU

2/2 worst person to play with

runs his mouth more than than the fingers on his console

tries to gaslight you into giving up items for him or not kill him

not really a honorable move but sometimes it works so I guess you gotta do what you gotta do to survive

talks smack but like the type to drag your mother into it but if you do it back he will cry

the console smasher

will blame anything and everything

"IT'S NOT Fault I PRESSED THIS BUTTON WHY DIDNT IT WORK?!"

his luck is the worst like man will be trying his hardest and then get jumped by someone for fun

excels in those sniper games tho

might actually get into debts to buy items so keep an eye out for it

is also a sore loser but unlike yeonjun he won't coax you into playing another game with you

more like bully the fuck out of you to get into another game with him until he beats you

you can't even escape him by pretending to lose

he's got hawk eye

like suddenly developed a conscience

this man's evolution is questionable

good luck to you

TAEHYUN

best option tbh

like I see no (apparent) red flags

but I don't think he's that into gaming a lot so you'd have to drag him into it.

I don't think he understands the rules either but unlike yeonjun he's more discreet about it because he doesn't wanna get bullied

improvise, improve, eliminate

im sure it didn't make sense but literally ends up learning about the game as he goes and he actually gets good at it

like slightly, but it's the effort that counts

"so which team am I on?"

"taehyun you died."

his teammates will actually help with shit and item

acts like he's fine in the games when he gets his ass beat while in reality he's not fine

acts like he doesn't give a fuck about winning or losing

but he does indeed give many fucks about it

will improve his gaming skills to avenge his bruised ego

if provoked enough , he will track your ip address down and doxx you.

HUENING KAI

It will be a fun time for sure

maybe not the best player but it's the effort that counts right

he's all cute and nice when yall are playing civil games like animal crossing looking at each others island and stuff

but nay nay dont fall for his sweet looking dumb smile

go into shit like among us or other brutal games

man's gonna backstab u in a second

hes so shady but like unlike soobin he isn't quite successful at it

like cheats whenever cheating is possible in anyway

but hes just such a poor executioner of it

its actually pitiful

gets you wondering should i just die for his sake

loves gaming but maybe not the best at it lmao

he's so cute so it's always such a good time with him

"I will report you if you talk about shoving someone's bead into a horse's backside again tho, animals have the right too! what if the horses don't like pegging?"

doesn't give you a headache like the rest of them except for a few bald stops you get by ripping your own hair while stopping him from blind siding you

bombastic side eye for the amount of times he tried to go behind your back tho

he's actually a good player to have on your team tho

© to itgirlgyu. feedbacks are always appreciated!!!!

[lunatic-pudge]

Heavy SFW Alphabet

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Didn't mean to take a month break on these, but oh well. Am slowly working on some requests I got, I'm a super bad procrastinator, so plz bear with me. Now I gotta figure out if I wanna do Spy or Soldier next. I'll figure it out in a few days when my brain let's me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A: Affection (How do they show affection? And how affectionate are they?)

Now with Heavy, I'd say he's the least affectionate of all the mercs. Like, yeah, he's gonna love on his S/O, but he tends to be a more reserved person. He's definitely a no PDA type of guy, a simple hug is fine, BUT IF YOU DARE TO TRY TO GIVE HIM A SMOOCH he'd be so flustered. He likes to keep the lovins behind closed doors

B: Best Friend (What would they be like a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Definitely a loyal bestie. Can see him wearing friendship bracelets with Medic tbh. Befriending him takes a while though cause he just prefers to stick to himself. He's like Sniper where you two could sit in silence and just vibe together. He's a very good friend to have. Ready to protect and he there for you

C: Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Big man do be loving a good cuddle, but only when it's you two. He'd let you lay on top of him, nuzzling up against his S/O, enjoying each other's presence. I'm sure with enough convincing, he'll let you be the big spoon, but for a price ;)

D: Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking & cleaning?)

Another fellow house husband. Makes some of the best food ever and will take care of the house and let you relax. He won't hesitate to tightly wrap you up in a blanket burrito, unable to escape, just to get you to relax

E: Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

He quick and to the point. Doesn't like having to dance around the topic. Why prolong it and make things worse? He's pretty good at handling breakups, he knows that sometimes things don't work out and you gotta learn to move on

F: Fiancé(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Loves the idea of getting married to his S/O but would wanna wait until his days are over. He doesn't wanna rush things though, preferring to take his time.

G: Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Tries to be gentle but it's hard to be gentle when you're a big guy like Heavy. He's better at being gentle emotionally, rather than physically. He's had a rough childhood, so he understands the struggle. He will let you cry it all out if you need to

H: Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Likes a good hug when it's from someone he's comfortable with (family, Medic, S/O). Hugs from anyone else makes him SUPER uncomfortable. Def has the best hugs and I will fight anyone who disagrees. He's big, comfy, and WARM

I: I Love You (How fast do they say the L-Word?)

I feel like he'd be too shy to say I love you first. While he tries to be upfront with everything, saying I love you is such deep, intimate thing to say. He doesn't wanna rush it, but you bet your ass he'll be so happy to hear you say it first.

J: Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Heavy? Jealous? Absolutely, not. This man has nothing to be jealous about. When he's with his S/O, he trusts them 110%. He knows he has nothing to worry about. And even then, why would you want someone else? Heavy is a big, burly man with cuddles for days! Why would you EVER wanna settle for less?

K: Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Homie's got them lil' gentle and delicate kisses. He tries to be as gentle as he can with kisses and I'm here for it. Loves giving his S/O forhead kisses.

L: Little Ones (How are they around kids?)

He loves kids, but he's worried about hurting them by accident. He's a big guy, and kids are small, fraglie, and crazy. Kids are feral with him, constanly trying to climb him and asking if he's a giant. He would absolutely make a great dad though. First, picture him cuddling with a baby. Got it? Good now picture him having a daughter and having a tea party with her. He'd be sitting at a tiny table, wearing a tiara and pink tutu as his daughter serves him tea, telling him some juicy "drama". I love it. Make it a real thing plz

M: Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Man's got a strict morning and night schedule, and would like if you followed it as well. He gets up early, one of the first to get up probably. Showers, eats, prepares for the day, standard stuff. Rarely does he allow himself to sleep in or have a lazy day. There's always something to do

N: Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Tries to go to sleep at a reasonable time. He ain't a night owl. He likes to read before going to bed, helps him to relax. Likes to be snuggled up with his S/O as well. Probably owns a C-PAP

O: Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait awhile to reveal things slowly?)

I'd say it takes him some time. He does love talking about his Mother and sisters though. He's got some funny stories about his sisters. But he doesn't like talking about his dad and certain past events. He did have a rough upbringing after all. And it can be hard to talk about so just give him time, he'll slowly come around

P: Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Man's got hella lots of patience. It takes so much to make him angry. The only thing that can get on his nerves quicker than most is dealing with certain (Scout) mercs. But to be fair, Scout knows how to get on everyone's nerves

Q: Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every detail in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

I'd say he's got a pretty good memory on him, he's just gotta remember the right words to say. He might forget some little, slightly random details though but it's hard to be mad at him

R: Remember (What is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

You, him, a good book, and a giant blanket wrapped around you both. You both are snuggled up together, soaking up each other's warmth. He reads the book to you, his deep voice lulling you to sleep. Heavy loves these moments between you two. Where he gets to be snuggled up with you, holding you in his arms, keeping you safe.

S: Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Definitely a protective bear. Will do WHATEVER he can to keep you safe. If he can't be there to keep you safe, he will have Medic there in his place. And then he'll have Medic give constant updates on you. Poor thing just wants to keep you safe. Sometimes he can be a little too overprotective at times

T: Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, and everyday tasks?)

He tries in his own special ways. He likes having dates at home. He sees it as a more intimate setting. He'd write you cute little poems expressing how much he loves you. He would have everything taken care of and won't let you even lift a finger to help out

U: Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

The only bad habit I can think of is his habit of being cold and distant. He tends to keep things to himself. Poor baby isn't use to having someone there to talk to and just vent to. But it's a bad habit that can be fixed over time

V: Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Honestly, I don't think he's too worried about his looks. I'm sure he does have some small image issues cause he's always getting called fat by other mercs. He's moreso built like a hippo. They look like they're these fat, lazy creatures but they're actually pure muscle and will tear anyone and anything to shreds

W: Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Meh, he'd be fine if he has to go without you for a while or the relationship ends. He's an independent man who's been through hell and back. He can handle being away from his S/O for whatever reason

X: Xtra (A random headcanon for them)

God, you know there's so much more to this man. He just doesn't show it. Well, you can kinda see it out on the battlefield and I bet it can be seen when he's drunk too. But he's also not much of an alcohol guy. He'll drink every now and then but it's just not something he cares about. Also, Medic's the unoffical third wheel and your guys' relationship. He's just kinda there. Think of him as your child. Now imagine the three of you in a cuddle pile, fighting for who gets to lay on Heavy. Heavy ends up having to decide and obviously he chooses you, sorry Medic

Y: Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He doesn't like loud, cocky people. He needs someone who's more on the chill side. Yeah, those types of people and be fun to watch and hang out with every now and then, but it can get tiring to deal with. So someone who's more introverted is the type of person for him

Z: Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Again, he tries to maintain a strict sleep schedule. Go to bed early and wake up early. Definitely a fellow sleep apnea buddy so sleeping sucks sometimes. Cuddles are a must during bedtime though, or else >:(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[blubushie]

Hi, hope you're having a good day, here's one of my aunt's puppies and frog in a bucket

(Sorry for that last ask, I think i was tring to express a sympathy on "dealing with this thing sucks", pretty sure I fucked it completely, learned I shouldn't send asks after midnight, sorry)

OHOHOHOHOHO

And nah it's fine <3 Tbh just didn't know how to respond cuz I'm in the same boat. I was basically deported and don't have Aussie citizenship despite trying for years and living there most my life lmao. I know exactly how it goes and it's a chore. "There's no demand for shooters" suck my dick I am singlehandedly saving our natural ecosystems rn 😭

Slight rant under cut

ETA: Also I've met too many people who genuinely talked about wanting to get Australian citizenship because of TF2. Because they think Australia is just Sniper or something. Or the best country ever while ignoring the climate change/racism/housing crisis/inflation/price gouging/cost of living/inhospitability/natural disasters/etc. Australia isn't in a good state right now, most people are barely able to survive, and our middle class is practically non-existent. But people see Sniper TF2 and go "omg Aussie..." and decide they wanna be Australian for some fucking reason while literally knowing zack about the country OUTSIDE of how it's portrayed in media. Nothing of us or our culture, they think they know some slang terms or some shit and that's enough to be considered Australian. And that gets on my fucking nerves cuz I'm still tryna get citizenship cuz it's literally my home and I grew up there.

People also only do this with Sniper btw. You don't see people going "I'm gonna move to GERMANY!!" cuz of Medic, or Russia for Heavy, or Texas for Engie, or Boston, or France, or anything else. It's literally just Sniper. This fandom is fucken weird fetishy about Australia sometimes and on rougher days I genuinely wanna leave it because of it. Any time someone says they want Australian citizenship my first question is why? What do you think Australia has/can give you that your home country can't? Too many bad experiences. This goes extra double for countries on the same development scale as Australia—America, Russia, the UK, South Africa, cuz then it's obvious that it's usually more about what they think Australia is like (because of what they've seen in media) rather than them trying to seek a better life/better opportunities elsewhere.

Anyway the amount of people coming into my DMs/inbox going "how do get Aussie citizenship/immigrate" is too damn high. My brother in gaming if I knew how then I wouldn't be stuck in America. And when I know they're in the TF2 fandom it basically always leaves a bad taste in my mouth cuz my kangaboo detector goes ding. So most those asks get deleted

Sorry for the ramble. This has been on my head a while though. I've met too many people who fetishise Australia/Aussies cuz of shit they've seen in media. Hits me in that "white people seeing exotic nature of locals" bone. Australia is still a "wild land" in some people's eyes so naturally people (usually white) wanna come here and be weird about it. And it usually leads to exploitation (see: arguing with First Nations to give up land rights to built fucking houses)

Rant over I'm burnt out lol. None of this is directed at you I'm just explaining why I deleted the ask. Didn't know how to respond + my kangaboo detector went off. So I played it safe

[darklordofthesimp]

i’m not gonna lie, i wanna see price angst alongside birdy’s recovery. show me him busting into the room after ghost and soap and seeing her tear her own face apart in fear, show me him listening through the comms as birdy goes through an episode alone or with only könig around, begging for him to leave or finish the job. show me him watching as a sleepless and sick birdy tries desperately to prove she’s not a burden but not being able to do it alone. show me him after birdy finally breaks down and lashes out at him because he did this. he forced her to train with könig without therapy or an evaluation of any kind, he was the one who made her feel like a disposable toy when he let könig take her place, he was the one who told her to be better and she’s trying why can he not see that? she doesn’t wanna do this anymore, she hates living in fear of every corner she turns and it’s all his fault. Ghost(especially) and soap also losing some respect for him

i usually am not a huge fan of angst but tbh there needs to be major justice for birdy, price saying that she was a burden, right after she woke up from a coma and needing to essentially get her face rebuilt? nah i would have been screaming, chain of command or not

The issue here is its not Price's decision. The army is ultimately just a bunch of puppateering. So not only was he the one who had to deliver that news that König would be staying, not only is he the one who has to enforce the training and not only does he have to watch as Birdy falls apart but he feels like he's the direct source of her hatred beyond König

Like, Birdy was also so keen to get back into the field and went so long without interaction with König that she was showing no signs of mental distress.

None of them knew that she'd react like this, who the fuck was going to guess that a Special Forces Sniper of an elite fucking task force was going to start tearing their own face off during a training session?!?!

Like, no one knew of the severity of her PTSD. I think that Price fights tooth and nail to change the orders given. When he receives push back that Birdy will either learn to work with König or she'll be transferred out or probably psych discharged after being deemed unfit for duty; he compromises to adjust the training to be climatization with König so that she can work with him rather than training with him.

But Birdy doesn't see all of this. And him calling her a liability in the opening lines of chapter 1 was a fucking lowblow spoken out of fear. Fear of losing her. He almost lost his adopted kid because she couldn't fucking defend herself and he blames himself for being so lax on her.

It's like when your mum yells at you for hurting yourself "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING CLIMBING THAT TREE"

Kind of what Peepaw Price did.

But Birdy takes that so seriously and it pushes her beyond her limits. That's why she applies for the transfer, because she's a liability that can't be fixed.

[5eraphim]

how would u rank each merc on a scale of 1 to 10 for how hot they are

ranked from lowest to highest-

(non of this was proofread, so sorry abt that/edit later maybe?)

alright so sprinting into dead last is scout- im sorry ive said this a billion times but CHRIST ALIVE- (-10/10)

like im so pissed too- your ma is a SMOKESHOW, you're dad is (dare i say) also a 10, how did it happen like this? he's like a precum baby i think. like he's not all the way human. he wasn't meant to be like this, but yet here he stands, a pancaked-ass Masshole in the place a greater man might have stood. i want to break his spine over my knee.

sniper after scout. (4/10)

his voice is sooooo great, and i have warmed up a bit to him, but all the same. he's just not my type physicality wise, but i think i get the appeal. i also thought it was really sweet they let him have that soft moment with his parents in heaven where his dad tells him how proud he was and all that. (assuming it wasn't all a hallucination, but i digress,) i would've expected them to show his dad giving him a hard time one last time before he came back to earth, but i'm happy the comics let him have this :)

pyro next, (5/10)

the cop out answer is "well obviously the fire-brandishing character is the hottest-" but that's lame to me. it's honestly REALLY hard for me to see them as attractive or "dateable" just bc I project "my child" onto them. I've mentioned before, but i don't like them bc i wanna fuck them, i wanna protect them like a mother. i wanna feed them a homecooked stew with a wooden spoon, i wanna make crayon drawings with them, tell them bedtime stories, hand-stich him a stuffed animal, yk that sort of vibe. i do care for them a lot, but not in a romantic sense tbh.

Demo and Soldier (7/10)

I'm putting them together bc they are only really attractive to me when they're drawn with bulk-muscle. the idea of either of them packing on lean muscle is so weird to me. but they just feel like such living embodiments of "just here for a good time," and honestly? sometimes that's all you need :) If i HAD to put one above the other, I would put Demo over Solder, bc i ADORE fanart and official art that give him that cute little drunken lazy smile. it's just such a little thing that is so endearing to me!

Spy (10/10)

i'm sorry, i genuinely have no idea why i'm such an apologist for him, i deserve to have my rights taken away for this.

but i think i genuinely envy him in a lot of ways. he's not exactly the kind of attractive i want, but what i want to become. i envy his poise, his swagger, his cunning, (his ability to pull scout's ma). he's such a great jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold type of older guy, of which i am weak to, alas. i NEED to go on a shoplifting spree with this bitch-

Heavy (10/10)

the hottest thing to fantasize abt heavy to me is him calling me a weak little baby and mocking me for being a 5'3 underweight, anemic little loser. this man could DESTROY ME, and damn is that fun to think about, but! I'd be remiss not to mention how much he loves his family, how he would do ANYTHING to protect those he loves the most, and i swear, that one panel in the comics of him hugging his mother gets me every time.

medic (15/10)

what is there even to say that hasn't been said?

He's a chaotic-hottie if ever there's been one, with a kind of zest for life which is remarkable, even in a cast of colorful manic weirdoes. but like, CHRIST this man makes me go feral. like i want him to wrap his gloves around my neck tight enough for the latex to start squeeking, i wanna feel those high-traction combat boots DIGGING into my back as he crushes me into the floor, i want him to drain me of blood and make fun of me for passing out- i would let this man do so many unspeakable things to me...

engie (20/10)

i will never get tired of this guy <3 he's the living embodiment of "southern comfort," and much like medic, it's not at all surprising people love him so much. no one else has his character's incredible dichotomy of, sweet and gentle, while also able to deal out insane levels of violence (heavy comes close, but he doesn't quiet have engie's soft approachable disposition). definitely got the short end of the stick in the comics imo, as we don't get to see much of his family (or rather him interacting WITH his family) but in game at least he gives them lot's of shout-outs which is nice, but honestly makes me want to see them all the more! he's such a whore for all those cozy knit-wear cosmetics too. he's perfect in every way, he makes my heart flutter, he has never done anything wrong in his life ever, i would die to protect him.

[creachureboy]

Secret Gift Giver

Notes:

Age regressed reader, dni if kink

tbh i dont like the way i formatted this but im not insane enough to fix it line by line (#mobile)

established friendships with the mercs :D

Spy with he/she/they pronouns

Summary: you keep on recieving nice gifts, which conveniently have no name written on them! Who could've possibly given them? The secret gift giver has to be around here somewhere..

You approached Scout, who was flipping through a comic book in the common room. He seemed really into it with the way he gave every page a silly grin! You peeked over his shoulder to take a look. "Jeremy?"

He jumped up onto his feet upon hearing your voice, whipping his head around but immediately relaxing upon seeing you. "What're you doing sneaking up on people?" He ruffled your hair as he sat back down.

You giggled. "Sorry Jeremy."

"Nah you're good. Just.. don't tell anyone I jumped like that." He patted the seat next to him, then casually showed you the cover of the comic book he was reading. "Spiderman. Wanna join?"

You circled around the couch to sit down next to him, giving him a big side hug and hiding your face in his chest.

Jeremy put a comforting hand on your head, patting you like a little puppy. "Hey, hey, somethin' up, sweetcheeks?"

You kicked your feet nervously. "Can't find my paccy.."

"Oh, your pacifier?"

"Mhm."

He gave you a few firm pats on the back, putting his comic book down. "Hey, look at me."

You followed suit, not realising the way you pouted at him.

He gave your cheeks a gentle pinch. "No need to worry. Big smart Scout here will help you find it."

Your eyes lit up. "Really?!"

"Yeah!" He shrugged. "Not to brag, but I could be called the number one scavenger." He paused. "Wait, no, that don't sound like a flatterin' name."

You giggled, holding onto him. "Tank you Jermy!"

"Yeah, no problem! Now where did you last see it.."

..but after a long day of searching, it was still nowhere to be found!

Scout walked with you to your room that night, patting you on the back. "Sorry I couldn't find it. We can try lookin' again tomorrow, alright?"

You nodded, holding his sleeve. "Ok.. thank you Jermy."

After exchanging hugs and "goodnight"s, you walked into your room and saw a plain and neat box on the table. It had the label of some brand on it, which you recognized to be a brand that sells pacifiers.

You lit up, grabbing the box and running to throw the door open, yelling down the corridor for Scout. "JEREMY!!"

Distant footsteps were heard as he turned a corner to look at you. "What's up, ya find it?"

You held the box high above your head, yelling, "THANK YOU!"

He squinted from afar. "What's that?"

You paused, leaving your room and walking up to him. "Jermy didn't give it?"

He walked toward you too, taking a look at the box. "No, what's that?"

You both opened it together, and inside was a brand new pacifier in your favourite colour, with a bunch of decorations you could add to it.

Scout patted your back. "Hey, new pacifier, awesome!" He caught himself yawning, pulling you in for a side hug. "Well, uh, now that you have a new one.. you still need my help to find your other one?"

Another day, you were hanging out with Sniper in his camper.

You sat comfortably in Sniper's lap as you told him about something you liked, feeling his chin tap against your head as he nodded along, as well as little humming sounds he made as you explained.

After a while though, you found yourself yawning as your throat got tired and your eyes got droopy.

Sniper chuckled, petting you. "You seem sleepy, 'roo."

You shook your head. "M not.."

He held you close. "That's alright. Where's your pacifier?"

You reached into your pocket and fumbled around, pulling your new paccy out.

He leaned closer to you to get a better look at it. "Oh, that's a nice lookin' one, ain't it? Can't say I've seen it before."

"Mhm," you put it in your mouth, but then took it out to speak, "is new."

"Ohh." He smiled at the sight of you looking so comfortable. "Scout get it for ya?"

You shook your head. "I thought it was, but it wasn't." You played with his fingers that were around your waist. "I dunno who gave it, it was just in my room."

"Huh," he answered, taking a pause to think. "Maybe it was Medic or Heavy, you guys seem close."

You hummed in thought, resting your head against his shoulder. "Maybe."

So that night at dinner, you asked them.

Heavy and Medic took a good look at your brand new paccy as you showed it to them. They gave you big smiles.

"Wow," Medic commented, "that's very pretty!"

Heavy chimed in, "yes, very."

The two looked at each other, and Heavy spoke again,

"But we did not buy it."

Medic chuckled. "But now I'm thinking that we should have!"

You rocked back and forth, holding the pacifier. "Then who gived me it?"

Heavy hummed in thought for a moment, before answering, "maybe.. Sniper?"

You shook your head. "Mm-mm."

"Scout?"

You shook your head again.

Medic perked up. "It may be Pyro! You are close friends with them, ya?"

You looked at it and figured, yeah it seemed like a Pyro thing! You looked around the room, finding that Pyro's usual seat was empty - they must've already gone to bed for the night. But you'd definitely thank them tomorrow!

When you got back to your room, a brand new plushy was waiting patiently for you on your bed. It was from a cartoon you had been watching lately with Pyro.

You thought for a minute, remembering all the times a new episode would air, causing you and Pyro to scramble onto the couch and flick channels as quick as possible until you got to the one with the cartoon.

You smiled at it. It seemed like it'd be a great snuggle buddy, and you were definitely planning to thank Pyro for it tomorrow.

The next day finally came, and you rushed to find Pyro after breakfast.

You held the plushy excitedly out to Pyro. "I love it!"

Upon seeing it, Pyro immediately took it from you in order to give it a big hug. They started rambling excitedly about how adorable they found it.

You paused, tilting your head at them. That's not the sort of reaction they'd give if they really were the one that gifted it! "Pyro didn't get it for me?"

Pyro shook their head, giving the plushy back to you.

"I dunno who gave it.." You took the new paccy out of your pocket and held it up to Pyro, who also seemed to not recognize it. "I also dunno who gave dis one.."

Pyro mumbled something and you lit up.

"Engie!"

You both rushed over to his workshop, giving the door careful knocks.

You heard Engie's muffled voice from inside the room. "Perfect timing, get in 'ere!"

You and Pyro glanced at each other, before walking into the workshop. You were met by Engineer holding up a sentry which seemed to be missing a leg, with the floor around him littered with nuts and bolts.

"Can y'all gimme a hand?" He gestured to the sentry. "Hold this feller up for me."

You both walked over, and you tucked the plushy under your arm so you could hold up the sentry. It was much heavier than it looked, and you almost tumbled over until Pyro took hold of it too.

Engineer picked some parts up off the floor, working on something on the sentry.

"Um, Engie?"

"Just a sec, Sugar."

You both watched him, keeping quiet. He worked diligently, doing.. whatever it is he was doing, as if it was second nature.

With a loud bang, the door of the workshop slammed open, causing the three of you to whip around to see who it was.

"I require a teleporter," Soldier half-said half-shouted.

You and Pyro shushed him, nodding your heads at Engie, who only greeted Soldier with a grunt.

Soldier, clearly not catching on, glanced over at you. "What are you doing with that animal, Private?"

You stiffened, realising Soldier didn't know about your regression. He approached you with a determined gait, and you glanced between Pyro and Engie, lost on what to say or do.

Engineer's voice piped up. "Aand done." He moved backwards, nodding at Soldier, before looking between you and Pyro. "Y'all can let go now."

You both let go of the sentry carefully, and it stood proudly.

"Private," Soldier said from right behind you, startling you as you turned to him once again.

You hugged your plushy to your chest. Were you about to have to explain what regression was to Soldier? What if he thought it was weird! What if..

Soldier produced a small military helmet from his pocket and placed it on your plushy. "We must keep our brothers in arms safe."

Your shoulders relaxed as you giggled.

Engie chuckled from beside you, reaching to buckle the helmet on your plushy properly. "Lemme get that for 'ya." Once it was secure, he turned to Soldier again. "Where'd you even get this?"

"It was originally for Liutenant Bites, but I cannot find him anywhere." He knocked the plush's helmet, as if to prove its sturdiness, before turning to Engie. "Engineer, I require a teleporter."

"For your raccoon?"

"He is no mere raccoon, he is my right hand man! I have scheduled a rendezvous with, him but he was absent." Soldier frowned. "I must confront him about this matter."

"Huh." Engineer walked over to one of his desks, bending down to pull out a teleporter from under the table. With the press of a button, the teleporter whirred to life.

Soldier marched onto the teleporter, saluted at you, and was gone in an instant.

Engie quickly disabled the teleporter, before turning back to you.

"Engie," you started, showing him the plush. "Did you give this?"

Engineer came back up to you and bent down to give it a good inspecing. "Well, I reckon I ain't haven't seen nothin' like that in my life." He gave it some scritches under its chin. "But it sure is a mighty cute little thing."

You slumped your shoulders a bit, "I dunno who gave it.." You turned to Pyro, who suddenly was no longer there. "Where'd Pyro go?"

You and Engie looked around the room, eventually finding them admiring something in the corner.

Engineer lit up and quickly rushed over to them. "Oh, ya found it! About time." He picked up what Pyro was staring at, holding it up. "It ain't quite done yet, but I was makin' a special jetpack just for you."

Pyro was practically bouncing in place, giggling and applauding excitedly.

Engie turned to you. "If ya wanna take a look, ya can. But I'mma pitch a guess and say you're still tryna find who gave ya that." He glanced over at Pyro as if for confirmation, before turning to you again, "if ya wanna do that, you're welcome to stop by again later."

You nodded, saying your goodbyes and thank yous as you walked out the workshop.

Once you closed the door behind you, you took a big step and ran right into someone!

You looked up, barely having a moment to process who it was, before being held in a huge hug.

"It's you! Ya wee little thing!"

You giggled and hugged him back, before being let go. You looked up at him, and he smiled down at you.

"That's a cute lil friend ya got there."

"Thank you Tavy!" From his response, it sounded like he didn't know who gave it, but you decided to test your luck. "Does Tavy know who-"

"Spy," he interrupted, "definitely a Spy thing."

"Spy?" You echoed, looking down at the plush as if it would give you answers. "Really? Is Spy-"

Soldier, who was suddenly there without you realising he even approached, went, "Spy!"

You and Demoman turned to him.

Soldier had a bright smile. "I don't know what Spy did, but you must have a good reason for saying his name."

Demo returned the smile, gesturing to you. "Our wee lil friend here has a question for Spy."

"That Spy, with their secrets!" Soldier turned to you. "Come with me, Private! We will show Spy the true meaning of American patriotism!"

With that, he marched off, leaving you to wave goodbye to Demo before chasing after Soldier.

He led you to what you recognized as Spy's smoking room.

You politely knocked on the door, before Soldier walked in front of you and threw the door open.

"IT WAS YOU!"

You watched the back of Spy's head at the couch, which didn't even turn as you heard a sigh from him.

"Keep it down, Soldier," Spy said plainly.

"You cannot silence patriotism," Soldier exclaimed, continuing to march around the room.

You took Soldier's hand and tried to pull him. "We're botherin Spy.."

"That's precisely the point! She knows secrets." Soldier walked in front of Spy, dragging you with him as he stared him down.

"The extent of your foolishness is no secret. Now get out."

But Soldier didn't budge.

You feigned surprise, gasping as you pointed out the door. "Is that Liutenant Bites?!"

Solder whipped his head around. "Where?!" He rushed out the door with a spring in his step. "Liutenant, do I have a bone to pick with you!"

As Soldier ran past, you mumbled an apology to Spy before folliwing him out.

The last thing you heard in Spy's room were a few simple words.

"Meet me outside after dinner."

So you did.

That night, you put on your coziest jacket and hugged your new plushy under your jacket as you walked into the chilly night air. The stars sparkled overhead, drawing attention to Spy's well kept suit.

"Hello, little one," he greeted with a smile, "I am glad you came."

You fiddled with your thumbs nervously - from the way she talked, it seemed like they knew you were regressed. "Hi?"

He merely chuckled, approaching you to wave at your plushy peeking from your coat. "Do you like your new friend?"

You nodded. "I don't know who gave it.. Demo said Spy gave it, but-"

"I did, little chou-fleur."

Your eyes widened, a your jaw dropping "Really?"

She leaned back, eyelids drooping and lips curving in a smug expression. "I believe that's what I said, was it not?"

You glanced between Spy and the plushy, as if to check if it was as surprised as you were. "Spy got me the paccy too?"

"Yes, little one." Their shoulders relaxed as he tilted her head to get a better look at you. "I saw you quite liked it."

You hummed in confusion. "So why didn't Spy tell me before?"

"Well.." they shifted on his feet, "I was.." she cleared her throat, "nervous. I did not want to seem.. out of the ordinary."

"Spy is very out of the ordinary!" You smiled at the plushy, then looked up at him. "Thank you Spy. Um, huggy?"

Her face softened, coming closer to you and wrapping their arms around you in a surprisingly comforting embrace. "I hope it is not strange of me to say this, but I have always wanted to care for a child like you, little one."

You looked up at him. "Jeremy."

They seemed only briefly taken aback, before shaking his head. "What ever are you talking about?"

"Your ch-"

"Even if that boy was my child, he does not like me." She ran her fingers through your hair in an attempt to distract you. "But he is not here right now."

You wanted to pry, but held back - maybe you'd get answers from them another day. But for now.. "Does Spy wanna be my friend?"

He took a step back to hold your shoulder reassuringly. "Are we not friends already?"

You smiled brightly at them, before she spoke up again.

"You seem to get along well with the other mercenaries. If it does not bother you-" he got on a knee, perhaps to seem less intimidating, "I would like to take care of you as well when you are little. Of course, if that is alright with you."

You lit up, giving them one more big hug. "Okay!"

"Very well. From now on, I-" he gently flattened your messy hair, "can be one of your caretakers."

[menkhu]

RULES: answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

ahh thank you for the tag @jxstnn !! btw the confusing questions were referencing dragon age and mass effect respectively

coke or pepsi: water :)

disney or dreamworks: i don't really do movies

coffee or tea: a few favorite teas>coffee>most tea

books or movies: books

windows or mac: windows, i've got a sniper trained on apple inc and i'm waiting to line up that perfect shot

dc or marvel: the only superhero i care about is spider-man

x-box or playstation: pc

dragon age or mass effect: both but i have to say dragon age as a fantasy lover

night owl or early riser: huge night owl, coming at you from 2am

cards or chess: cards

chocolate or vanilla: chocolate

vans or converse: whatever's in the clearance aisle tbh

Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar: idr inquisition that well but i do think being able to play as a qunari is rad as hell

fluff or angst: fluff < angst < fluff and angst

beach or forest: forest

dogs or cats: cats, doggy kisses are too gross to me

clear skies or rain: clear skies, i am photosynthetic

cooking or eating out: cooking

spicy food or mild food: mild, by a small margin

halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: crimbus; i love gift giving and gift receiving and reciprocal kindness

would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: a little too hot

if you could have a superpower, what would it be: healing; i wish to relieve your burdens

animation or live action: live action but also both

paragon or renegade: paragon, mean dialogue options make me sad

baths or showers: showers

team cap or team ironman: team spider-man, the only superhero i care about

fantasy or sci-fi: fantasy

do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so what are they: oh man i gotta remember stuff? you're getting some favorite song lyrics instead: "they don't understand; i'm not what they think i am" -waterman, userx "kill them with kindness; i'm so polite i know all the right knives to use" -fight! sophie hunter "you ain't gotta boo me just to tell me that i love wrong; gloves on" -gloves on, 80purpp "do you wanna kill time in aisle 3 with frozen food" - hospitals, shiny wet machine

youtube or netflix: yohoho

harry potter or percy jackson: nah

when do you feel accomplished: when i laugh at my own jokes while writing

star wars or star trek: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

paperback books or hardcover books: audiobooks

to live in a world without literature or without music?: sorry music i love you but writing is part of my soul

who was the last person to make you laugh? a discord friend

city or countryside? countryside

favorite chips? pringles

pants or dresses? dresses, free the knees!

libraries or museums? libraries

character driven stories or plot driven stories? character driven

bookmarks or folding pages? telling myself i'm gonna remember the page number and then forgetting the page number

Dream job? that's the question isn't it

What gives you comfort? baking with friends, rambling at friends, stardew valley

what are some of your favorite song lyrics?

Tagging: @kcvagabond @dingbingbats @wheelie-butch @lunalucykat @nessietessie @cornflower-fields