#i want to be myself

[wilsons-limped-husband]

Guys, I did it

I binded of the first time. phuk you mother, Father and the other relatives who don't accept me. I am trans and y'all need to deal with it.

[fallen-angel-with-broken-halo]

I don't know what went wrong but something did. Somewhere on the way I made a wrong turn. I lost myself between my life choices and struggling with mental health.

I lost my motivation, my driving force, my reason to live. I lost loving myself, my self-worth and appreciating my beauty. I lost my smile, my tears, my anger. I lost my trust in me, others and god.

I lost everything to this life in the name of her denial. I lost my life to her idea of me. I lost my mind because of all the things she said.

I'm tired. I just want to rest. I want to slow down, relax. I want to live. But the only life I can live makes me want to die. The correct way of living leaves no room for me. It is suffering.

So I'm trying to find myself by slowly abandoning everything that made me lose it. It is hard. It is painful. But it's the only way to let myself exist again without feeling like I sinned by being me.

[banannabethchase]

I've been panic crocheting all day to the point where I got so frustrated I almost cried, as the existential dread of being an American today is so aggressive I keep almost having panic attacks (scared for the lives of my students, my nieces, myself, you know the drill) SO HOW ARE Y'ALL DOING? YOU OKAY? YOU TRY THE SALAD? I THOUGHT THE SALAD WAS GREAT HAHAAHHAHAHAHAHSHRUDGHUIOF *crochets another scrunchie*

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[hurricanesfollowyou]

wish I could be in an alternate dimension where I’m happy with myself. either if I could have the body I want so I could not care what other people think, or be confident in the body I have without the trauma of being bullied for my weight (thanks mom!) and having a poor relationship with my body for more than half of my life.

wish I had someone who could take over sometimes and just tell me what to do but in a loving and supportive way. step-by-step directions to a healthy happy life, not ever-changing rules for avoiding punishment. I can follow directions, but I can’t help but break the rules. whether I mean to or not.

[gaysextyrannosaurusrex]

I hate having a homophobic dad UGGGGGHHHH

Is it too much to ask to just be a silly little uncloseted bisexual, unburdened by the hatred of my own family, just free and vibing with my friends on Halloween in my gender-swapped Harley Quinn costume

[pechaberriesandsoju]

.

[koddlet]

personal rules for winter ❄

[mrtequilasunset]

Listen man, you guys can't be like "you guys need to be normal about asexuality" and then turn around and get weirdly judgemental when you find out someone doesn't have sex by choice. Like that's weird that some of you do that.

[hinamie]

mentor

[romanceyourdemons]

so much love for characters who are desperately unsure whether they’re a good person, a redeemable person, a person worth saving, but are absolutely certain that they’re a grade a hottie

[doctorsiren]

OBJECTION! - Ace Attorney, but in Legos that I 3D modeled myself

[artkaninchenbau]

A h-heartfelt reunion..?

Bonus

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[sermna]

they abandoned it for a reason.

I have this recurring dream where I'm in a bathroom or locker room with a nonsensical layout and dark, green tiles. There's not blood or a figure, just this idea that I need to leave now or I might never leave at all. There are no posters, no personal belongings, nothing but smooth tile and a horrible sense of dread. The corners are dark. Something is on its way.

[mamawasatesttube]

BTW... PSA.... even if we arent mutuals if youre in my notes regularly theres a Very high chance i am still fond of you. yes im vaguing someones tags on the compliment the person u rbed this from post. but like. positive vaguing? THE POINT IS im weird abt following ppl but IM STILL SENDING U FOND VIBES...