#i want to be put on a page so others can have the sympathy for me that I so sorely need

[slutabed]

I am feeling v emotional about my adhd this weekend and idk what it is (could just be my monthly emotions tbh who knows)

but idk it seems like one of those ~issues~ that people don’t take as seriously so I should just be over it and able to adapt and soldier on with it but I still have so many emotions attached to it for myself, past and present. i have so much anger and sadness and fear and pride and joy tied up with it and what it means for who I was as a child and who I will be and who I am now.

it’s really not easy and I have some friends who have a diagnosis and have meds and just live their daily lives hardly ever thinking about it. and then I’m here feeling like it affects each and every part of me and I feel like I must be faking it, then, if I’m the only one who feels this way.

but in some ways I see myself reflected (even if it’s just a character I love in a fanfic! who is on a lowered dose of stimulants in this chapter of the fic and is Struggling and Overwhelmed and realizing how hard it would be to do life without his support system) and i think maybe I’m not lying or faking or being over the top and maybe this thing does affect me a lot.

i couldn’t take my right dose of meds the past couple of days bc of a mix up with a new doctor and my prescription and a pharmacy so I was on a lower dose for a couple days, which made me feel absolutely unbearable to be around, and then I wasn’t on anything yesterday and today which was alright except today I got my period too and was just absolutely overstimulated by everything at the beach, the discordant music from competing boom boxes and the too-cold wind that didn’t quite mask the sting of the too-hot sun and the way my sunscreen melted into my eyes and stung. it was a lot on top of the pain from my cramps and when I got home my parents wanted to talk and I just. i tried but I had to go lie down for an hour just to recover from the day. and it feels ridiculous to feel so lazy and tired when my brain is going a million miles an hour but that’s how it is and I’m just afraid I won’t be able to sleep tonight and. idk I lost the point of this post at some point

[littyhoney]

Right Person,Wrong Time (part 1)

(Part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4)

BIG SPOILER WARNING TO ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE!!

Earth 42 Miles Morales x Reader

Chapter summary: you have always been there for Miles,will your long time crush ever pay attention to you…or not?

Warning: Spoilers for the movie Across the Spider-verse, slight angst

Guys this is my first time writing this be gentle with me <3 enjoy!

“Alright so lets do this one more time, Hey! Im (Y/N) (L/N) and Im one of the well-known spiderman/spiderwoman of Brooklyn,New York.” you swing through the city using your web as some of the civilians took out their phone to take picture or video of you. You land on top of a rooftop before speaking into an invincible camera “But im not the only one,im with my close friend Miles Morales who is also a spiderman of Brooklyn,weird huh?”

comes another person swing by you as he parkour through the rooftop in his black and red spider suit “keep up (n/n)!” Miles laugh as he jumps and swings away. You let out a chuckle as you follow him “Yo Miles wait up!”.

For the last few months after the collider incident with Kingpin,you and miles get closer since both of you share the same responsibility to keep the city safe and life is not easy even after you wear the spider mask. Balancing your life as a student and as a hero is not..easy,at all. At one time you could be in class try to catch up to your academic and the next thing you make up an excuse to go to the rest room to go out and fight crimes, comes back with few bruises and scrathes. But both of you manage to pull through the day,together.

It is Sunday as you and Miles are hanging out in his room listening to music, you are sitting on his bed bopping your head to the song as you scroll through your phone while Miles is sitting at his desk with his sketchbook,drawing. Suddenly the silent breaks as Miles stop his drawing and ask “Hey..(n/n)” he turn his chair towards you.

“Hm? What is it coco head? Something on your mind?” you turn your attention to Miles,notice his sad demenor. You stand up from the bed and walk towards him put your hand on his shoulder.

“Do you..miss the other spiders? Like Peter..Peni and..Gwen” Miles speak,his voice is low as he look up at you. You sigh and nod your head “Yeah I do Miles, but they are in another dimension” you tilt your head slightly “They are out there living their lives,I wonder if Peter B ever have a child ya know” you chuckle,trying to lighten up his mood

Miles chuckle before he look down at his hands on his lap “I just…miss Gwen a lot actually” he sigh as he wipe his face with his palms slightly frustrated “Ya know it is hard I miss her and she is not even from here man”

you lean on the table beside him,hunch down slightly to look him in the eyes,with sympathy “Miles,you know the rules right,they cant be here nor we can be there, we can dissapear and so are they”

“I know that (y/n)…I know,if only I could just met Gwen one time” Miles lean back on his chair looking at the ceiling,in his head he is hopping maybe a portal would just pop out so he could go to Gwens dimension..

You look at your friend sadnes fill your heart to see your best friend seem so down,you know Miles have been missing the spiders ever since the first week they went back to their dimension and for the past time you have try your best to be there for Miles and keep him company listening to whatever problem he is facing. For the years you been friend with Miles you slowly start to develop feelings for the ball of sunshine. His creativity in his talent,he is smart in academics,his warm honey brown eyes that seem to always take your breath away and such a sweet smile..it would be a fool of you to not fall for the boy.

You lick your lips slightly before you stand up and face to the desk,trying to change the subject “what cha drawing Miles?” you pick up his black sketchbook and go through the pages. “Oh just some uh,sketches of..” Miles voice trail off not wanting to finish the sentence.

“Of..?” I trail my question as I keep flicking the pages before stopping on the page he was currently drawing on and look at the figure he drew with such great details, my breath hitch slightly before finish my own sentence “Gwen..” I look at the drawing..a pang of jealousy fill my heart before I shake my head slightly and close the book turn to look at Miles with a small smile “It looks awesome Miles,you really get her smile and suit on point”

Thanks man” Miles smile at you before you could say anything Rio voice muffle through the close door of Miles bedroom “Miles! Dinner is ready! Tell (y/n) she can join for dinner!” Miles turn towards the doors slightly “Okay mom! Be there in a sec!” Miles turn back to you before nudge his head slightly towards the door “You joinning (n/n)?” You shake your head slightly before move to get your jacket and phone “I have to go home Miles,il see you later okay?” Miles stand up from his chair making his way to you before giving you a hug “Thank you for being with me (n/n)”

You smile sadly knowing that Miles need your support more in this tough times of his.. you pat his back before making your way out of his room saying goodbye to mama Rio and walk out the street with both of your hands in your pocket…you cant help but though of how many times Miles have mention Gwen whenever you two are together…how many times he have drawn her in almost all the pages in his sketchbook, heck he didn’t even draw you even though you have been friends for so long..maybe you could try to be better…maybe be like Gwen..?

To be continued...

(AAAA IM SO NERVOUS LEMME KNOW IF YALL STILL WANT CHAPTER 2)

Tags:

@kissmxcheek @otaku-degenarate @matthiashelvarsgf @usernamepasswordsstuff @s41ntf4m3 @bath1lda @jared-oranges @papilioism @pinkprettyroses @marumareloer

[ddejavvu]

hiii i love ur writing 🥹🥹🫶🫶 i have a james potter request if u feel so inclined!! a fluffy study date where he pretends he doesn’t know any of the answers so reader has to help him but then he ends up doing better than her on the test and shes like 🤔 i thought u were dumb HAHAHAHA tysm (btw LOVE the animagus reader series, had to say it xoxo)

James tries brushing the sleeve of his robes over the score marked in red on the top of his page, which seems like a sign that perhaps he won't be asking for your tutoring skills anymore. He grins sheepishly at you, scratching the back of his neck with one hand while keeping the other firmly covering his grade, "Hey, Y/N. How'd you do?"

"I got an O," You admit, hoping it doesn't come across as a brag even though he'd asked, "Should I be worried that you're covering up your score?"

His cheeks flush violently, and though the shade of pink is rosy and light, it overtakes his face quickly.

"Uh, not worried, no. I'm the one that should be worried, really."

"This isn't sounding good," You grimace, "Did you at least pass?"

"Yeah," He confesses, chewing guiltily on the inside of his cheek like he'd answered the opposite, "I passed."

"That's good," You nod, and your frown is born more out of confusion than sympathy for his strange mood, "So what's the issue?"

He moves his hand, staring disdainfully at the O at the top of his page.

"James!" You gush, wondering if all along this had been one of his famous pranks, "You- that's fantastic! Why didn't you tell me right away?"

He smiles ruefully at you, "'Cause I didn't want you to know I passed."

"Why not?" Your brows scrunch, "Isn't that the whole point of tutoring?"

"Well yeah, but," He hesitates, once more gnawing at his inner cheek, "It's just- that's it, isn't it? You tutored me, I got a good grade, and now it's over."

"Yeah." You nod, still unsure of what the pressing issue is, "I'm not putting the pieces together, James."

He groans, scrubbing a hand over his face, "Well- it's unfortunate for me, because I- well, I liked having you tutor me. And I want you to keep tutoring me. Even if I don't need tutoring."

Oh.

"Oh." You conclude.

Then after a beat of silence, "Hold on, did you even need me to tutor you in the first place?"

He pointedly averts his eyes to a smear of ink on the surface of his desk, and you take it as your answer.

"James," You sigh, but it's not complete exasperation - there's fondness present too. He cringes nonetheless, and you place a hand on his shoulder, drawing his attention back to you.

"Let's call it a study group, then," You offer, a shy grin on your face, "Instead of a tutoring session. We can still meet."

Your offer seems to inspire some newfound confidence in James, and when he speaks, it's through a grin of his own, "Nah."

The single syllable destroys your own confidence, though, and your smile fades. Before you can lift your hand from his shoulder, he tacks on, "Let's call it a study date."

[ataraxiaspainting]

Catch a Grenade.

Yan Nanami x GN Reader.

Synopsis: You should have just left that damn satchel where you found it.

Warnings: Yandere themes, kidnapping, some infantilization, humiliation/manipulation, and violence.

Word Count: 900.

Continuation of Never Let Me Down Again.

*~*~*~*

“Go.” Only one word, said so coldly yet loud enough to hear it above the stomps of Kento’s clad feet making their way down the hall. “I say this only once.”

The only reason he does not tug you is because he will surely accidentally break your wrist or your arm.

You know this from experience, all without words and all with actions.

“Since you have planned so much, you should have planned for other possibilities.” You cannot see his face because you are facing the corner of the living room, your forehead leaning against one of the walls. You cannot see his face, but you know he is furious, from the tone in his voice to the position he forced you into. He put you in the time-out corner, a corner that you have not been put into since the first month you arrived here.

The walls are a dull marigold and smell of spoiled milk. This corner also has a large white spot that is uncovered by the paint, and so you attempt to push your nose against that instead.

In what felt like months ago, you attempted to tear off the paint out of boredom. Kento was angry, but not angry enough to buy more paint to fix it.

“I do so much for you…” He says, and there is the sound of his armchair squeaking slightly. He must be sitting on it, grimacing. There isn’t any other cause to think about, not when this sound has been the only one you had heard for months, aside from Kento’s tones, the television, and your cries. Yeah. That must be it, you think. “God. What the hell were you thinking? I have work tomorrow too…”

You don’t say anything. You close your eyes and breathe in the only piece of air that does not smell so rotten. You can imagine being somewhere else, doing something else, other than being here, and being forced to stand on your tiptoes against a coat of yellow latex. Anything else.

“Answer.” He demands, and you can hear the soft sound of his right foot thumping up and down on the musty carpet floor. “Or do you want to be in more trouble than you already are?”

Out of instinct, out of a want so embedded within you, to survive, you stutter out some hardly audible words.

“You don’t have any logic in you, do you?” He sounds so disappointed, and your mind goes to the image of him having his arms crossed. “I’m right. Aren’t I?”

Your toes hurt already. But it feels like something is holding you up by your neck and forcing you to stay there. An invisible noose made of fear. An invisible weight in your chest too.

…

“I’m sorry, Kento…” You murmur, sniffling as tears and snot and drool run down your face.

“No, you’re not.” He refutes. You can hear him turn to another page of whatever he is reading.

“Please. I am… I am…” You repeat I am a few more times, feeling humiliated, like just an infant who doesn’t know their place.

A sigh. “Are you? Are you? How do I know you’re not lying, hmm? Again?”

Even the soft carpet underneath your toes feels like a bed of thorns at this point. Everything hurts.

“Please, Kento…! I am…! I am…!”

A whine escapes your lips, like a defeated dog sent off to rest in their crate without a treat: a dog, a mutt, a pet.

“Are you?” Another familiar sound of pages turning. You must have been here for hours at this point, so the thing he is reading must be quite long indeed.

So long.

You can imagine him rubbing his thumb and pointer finger into his brow area in frustration, disappointment, in apathy pretending to be sympathy. “You don’t appreciate what I do for you… Do you?”

You can feel a glare, and the ghost of something squeezing your neck to force more desperate words out of you. “P-Please, I’m-” 

You hear the squeak of Kento’s armchair again.

You feel hands, the same hands that always felt so strong, on your shoulders, and you are turned around with ease. He looks at you, but you don’t look at him. You look at his shirt, his work shirt, still halfway unbuttoned with his tie hanging loosely from the stained collar. You can smell his cologne, although it has almost fully faded away. You can remember tying it before he left for work this morning, he looked so happy that you were behaving so well for him.

You almost scream out thank yous, but then Kento ruins your small moment of happiness again.

“We aren’t done.” You see the book he was reading this whole time, it is thick and red and looks so heavy. The pain on your cheek came so fast that you didn’t even see it move. You stumble back, the back of your head hitting hard against the white spot on the wall. 

You were too focused on the pain, on crying even more, that you didn’t notice the book being raised again.

[greenboyfriend]

choose a kitty! (tarot card reading)

image source "what do you need to know?" image 1: a sweet madame dons a baby pink ensemble. there are roses embroidered onto her robe. she's so cute! image 2: an impish lad in jester's attire holds two balls in either paw- pink and blue. his gaze points deeply into your soul. image 3: this rootin' and tootin' cowboy's got it all figured out. although, as far as outfit coordination goes, who's to say? book a reading through dm/ask!

1.・。.・゜✭

after having ur feelings hurt by what was probably a betrayal of some kind, ur feeling somewhat down in the dumps. so much so that you've surrendered, believing that nothing u can do can help. although it feels like you're powerless, what you're lacking in is guidance. in order to move toward healing and happiness, you'll need to put yourself out there. try spending time with people you enjoy. maybe they're facing similar problems, and through sharing with each other, you'll form a strong sense of purpose, as well as camaraderie. im also getting that there may be some "singing and dancing" in your future, so know that this will heed good results! this is the path out of your difficult situation.

(6 of swords reversed, 8 of swords, 3 of cups reversed, 3 of swords reversed)

2.・。.・゜✭

so... first and foremost, I will say that you need to consider the importance of "cause and effect." right now, you're in the cause phase. there's some sort of two faced energy going on here with someone you know. someone's not saying the entire truth, or is hiding something. what's most important is that you listen to your intuition, and to be sure that you're not allowing yourself to believe in illusions. in order to best respect justice, and not to end up with an unfavorable effect, seeking the truth and the whole truth will benefit you at this time. this means staying within the bounds of: on the one hand, not allowing yourself to fall for illusions, and on the other, to not be suspicious of everyone. your intuition will serve you well. let it be your guide. you have an inner sense of what's true and what's not, so stick to what you know.

(queen of cups, 7 of swords reversed, 7 of cups, justice reversed)

3.・。.・゜✭

these cards especially emphasize the need to embody the best of the cups suite. so, being emotional, intuitive, and loving! right now, you may be trying to grasp at what you think you have, and are unable to let go. you may want things to just stay the same or you're blocking new developments for change. this probably has to do with a situation that requires you to be emotionally vulnerable, and to solidify a relationship/friendship with someone. this will not only heed benefits in the present, but will also blossom into something wonderful! so, trust that gut of yours, and listen to your dreams. sympathy and understanding will get you far. if you'd like, making a thoughtful gesture might also be worth your while. let your heart lead the way! it may sound hard, but ive found that, in situations like these, the anticipation is the worst part. you've got this!

(4 of pentacles, page of cups, ace of cups)

[chaifootsteps]

I will put a trigger warning for sex abuse and sad stereotypes about sex working here, it can be very personal.

I am upset that Viviens shows are giving so much ignorance about consent and morality about sex workers. Because of this, there is a generation of kids who think sex working is funny or not a big deal, that all we do is jokes about sex, make normal people like our friends uncomfortable because we just think about doing that all the time. Or that pimps are stupid and funny guys when no they are so dangerous!

Clients are not so sad and misunderstood, they do not only buy sex from others because they’re so lonely and just need so much more love to stop them “falling” to something dirty like it. We endure so much violence from clients, things like knives and weapons they use on us, which Vivien also jokes about. The donkey show joke is pure evil too. They stalk us on our phones and Instagram pages too which they only see as more content. When they go to court for killing prostitutes they make the excuse that they were seduced by us and very lonely. And we are the monsters ruining them and their families. It is a stereotype. Some of them they hate us for not being nice enough to them like smiling, doing all their kinks, and we are dehumanised for not having romantic ideas for them or not wanting to be in love with them because they’re such “nice guys” who paid money for our time so we need to date them. So often they are rich white men who go on holiday and go after women of colour who cannot say no because they are hungry. These men have some sob story about their mean wife not being in the mood for their sex needs or nagging him. They have so much sympathy. They did not need more. When we get murdered on the streets or serial killers hunt us like sports, people look the other way. Because of this. Why are we the dirty lusting ones when it’s the other people are using their money like this? People don’t all become sex workers cause we are just so lustful sinners and love doing it so much, it’s for survival and money like any other work.

I feel no pity for like prince stolas because men like him who buy sex are privileged by society to do it and they are entitled, they get so much special treatment and pity. If they are gay it is no different they go after the boys instead. And male prostitutes are more hated for their sexuality and have no family. Valentino does not make me laugh either and he is not a very “pretty” character.

Meanwhile we struggle with such evil laws being made: https://x.com/thepublicanow/status/1789715774099136766?s=46

Jesus Christ, Anon...thank you so much for sharing this, and especially for sharing that Twitter link. We live in a sick, evil world and it's not Viv's fault we do, but she's definitely part of the problem, not the solution.

[sanest-bsd-delegate]

Hi ! can you make a chuuya x reader. Reader is studying late at night cramping for her exam which is in the morning and chuuya is at work and accidently calls the reader instead of his worker because the worker did something wrong and some other men reported it to chuuya and when reader picks it up she hears chuuya scoulding and then she tells he dialed the wrong no. And chuuya apologizes and asks why she is late awake and she tells the reasons and while chuuya is talking to her he tells his men to go out because he doesn't want to be seen all soft in front of them and then tells reader to not stay awake late and she should be asleep when he comes home .Sorry for any grammatical mistake.thanks and have a good day/night!

Sleep or Study -Chuuya Nakahara

Oneshot: Where Chuuya accidently dials you in the middle of the night. Genre: Fluff A/N: OML SUCH A GOOD IDEA 10/10 LOVED IT!! →Masterlist

The room was dimly lit by the soft glow of a desk lamp, casting long shadows across the pages of textbooks and notes sprawled out in front of you.You were very tired and weary, studying late into the night, cramping for an exam that was scheduled for the early hours of the morning. Outside, the world was quiet, save for the occasional passing car and the distant hum of the city.

Unexpectedly, your phone's ringtone was heard across the room which statled you a little, before you shove the piles of paper and notes here and there to find your phone.

It was Chuuya calling you. You recieve the phone before putting up on speaker, the dim litted room silient at night.

Chuuya's voice crackled through the phone, sharp and scolding. "I told you idiots to be careful! Do I have to do everything myself?" His frustration was evident, and you couldn't help but feel a sympathy for whoever was suppose to be on the other end of the line.

Just as he launched into another verbal attack, you interrupted, trying to keep your voice steady despite being taken off guard. "Uh, Chuuya? I think you dialed the wrong number."

There was a brief pause before you hear Chuuya's sharp inhale. "Ah, damn it. Sorry about that," he muttered, his tone softening slightly. "I'm dealing with some work issues. What are you doing up so late?"

You sighed, rubbing your temples as you glanced at your textbooks scattered across the table. "I have an exam tomorrow, well today um……and I'm trying to cram as much as I can. I'll be honest; it's not going well."

Chuuya's voice softened even more, a rare gentleness spread through his usual hothead personality. "You shouldn't be up this late, especially with an exam tomorrow. You need rest," he scolded, concern lacing his words.

You could hear muffled voices and footsteps in the background, and Chuuya, realizing he was still on duty, barked at his men, eying each one of them, "Get out, all of you. I don't need an audience for this."

After a few moments of shuffling and grumbling, the background noise faded away, leaving just Chuuya's voice and a sense of privacy. "Look, I know exams are important, but your health matters too. Promise me you'll get some rest after this call. I don't want you falling asleep over your books."

His caring words warmed your heart, and you couldn't help but smile, even though he couldn't see it. "I promise, Chuuya. I'll go to bed soon. You should come home soon you know? Its late for you too. But you should get back to your work now. I don't want to distract you."

There was a soft huff on the other end of the line. "Don't worry about me. I can handle my idiots here. Just take care of yourself, okay? I'll be home as soon as I can."

You nodded, though he couldn't see it. "I will. Good luck with your work, Chuuya. And thanks for caring."

A rare, genuine chuckle escaped him. "Someone has to make sure you're taking care of yourself, right? Now, get some rest. I'll talk to you soon."

After a moment of silence, Chuuya spoke again, his voice filled with genuine care. "Goodnight. Sleep well love, I'll see you soon."

"Goodnight," you said, hanging up the phone and feeling a sense of comfort wash over yourself. Chuuya's unexpected call had momentarily lifted your spirits, and you couldnt help but smile at the conversation you had with him in the past minute.

You looked at your books before a debating question filled your mind, should you sleep or study?

Taglist: @averagehisoilluenjoyer, @high-on-dazai @ruru-kiss Join or remove your user here.

[d34dg1rl5]

Corpse Bride

It's icy in Mount Ormond. Quietly you make your way across the snowy paths and reach the ski lodge. The legions domain.

From inside the house you could hear chatter and music. Sounds like they're having a good time. Maybe you were just a nuisance to them? Yes, they were your friends and yes, they care about you. But maybe they don't always want to deal with your problems and fears.

Just as you turned around Susie spots you. "(Y/n!) What are you doing out here? Come join us!" She grabs your hand and pulls you inside. Julie waves at you and Joey greets you with a "'Sup." Frank quickly puts back on his mask crossing his arms. "You look like shit."

You sigh and sit down enjoying the warmth emerging from the furnace. "It's just been a rough trial... Nea kept stunning me with pallets and I think I'm gonna have a bruise.."

Susie looks at you with sympathy. "Aww, poor you... I know excactly what it feels like... Don't we all?" She looks at her friends and earns Julies agreement. "Yeah, some survivors really are a pain in the ass.. Especially Nea and Feng." She takes a piece of the pizza laying in front of her.

Joey agrees aswell and talks about his experiences with toxic survivors.

Something seems weird about Frank today... He isn't his usual cocky and snarky self. He gives you glances from time to time, even though you can't see his face you can feel his eyes on you.

You look at the others. "I think I'll head back to my realm... I feel ... Weird." Susie looks at you. "Aww, already? Alright then, do you want me to walk you back?" You shake your head. "Aw, no, you don't need to." Susie nods and gets up to hug you. "Alright then, see you!"

Youwalk out the lodge and sigh looking around walking back in your realm. Suddenly you get the feeling of someone following you. You turn around taking out your knife. "Who goes there!?"

"Jeez, calm down... Pussy." You hear a familiar voice say and a snarky chuckle. "You're a killer, you shouldn't be afraid of shit in here." Frank steps out from the darkness and looks at you. "What are you doing here?", tilting your head in confusion. "Walking you home I guess."

He takes out a cigarette of his pocket and lights it. Hiw does he even have that stuff in the realm? Maybe he asked the Entity for it.. He notices you eyeing the cigarette. "Want one?" Thinking about it for a second you nod.

"Yeah, gimme one." He hands you one and puts his lit cigarette to yours and lights it. "Heh." You blush slightly and try to avoid his gaze.

"You look brutal, by the way. Real sick." You look at him. "Huh?" "Your outfit. You know. Killer look. Real sick." You look down at yourself and sigh. You were some kind of zombie, just not just thinking about brains and intestines all the time. You actually were still human. To some extent at least. Your body however looks like a nightmare. Your skin was pale with deep wounds littered over your body. Your right eye was a milky white while the other eye was still intact. You hated how you looked.

"Maybe to you. I hate this body..." He sighs and puts a hand on your back. "I was always into zombies." He nudges you and you can't overhear a flirty tone in his voice.

Frank and you walk next to each ither for a few minutes in silence until you reach your realm - a church with a dark and old looking graveyard at the backside. The churchs roof is destroyed and crows circle the cross on top of it.

"I'll see you around, corpse bride~" He grins and turns to walk away, disappearing in the thick fog surrounding the church.

A/N: IM RLLY MAD CUZ YESTERDAY I WROTE HEADCANONS FOR DBD KILLERS REACTING TO A FEM!SURVIVOR WITH A PANIC ATTACK AND I UPLOADED IT AND IT WAS JUST GONE. Like i tried everything (log out and in again, refresh my page, look at queue, privacy settings, etc.). Its just gone and im so sad 😭😔

[tillthelandslide]

Same For You (13) : Take Me Higher

A/n: hi!!! i'm so sorry it took me so long to post this, to those tha saw the unfinished version i accidentally posted, sorry haha. Once again I need to thank @procrastinatinglikeapro for listening to my ideas on this one and helping me always :). I miss you all and hopefully soon can get to a more regular posting schedule. For now, I hope you enjoy (p.s i love this series hehe)

Series Masterlist

(12) June

warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI. Smut. p.s its a long one but trust me its worth it

She's stressed when she arrives at the studio, hands shaking with everything she does. The writing on the page is unsteady, fingers trembling against the strings of the guitar, making the music sound wobbly and flat. She doesn't have the band to fall back on, she can't ask Abbie to record her parts and she most definitely cannot escape the worried looks from the four men. Oh yeah, Jamie was sitting in on the session too. She wanted to impress him, but instead she feels like a mess. It's a nightmare.

George sits at the soundboard, thumb resting under his chin, fingers playing with his lip. He wants to ask if she's okay, but he also doesn't want to put more pressure on her. She sighs deeply, running a hand through her hair before throwing it up into a messy bun.

"Sorry one more time" she says, rolling back her shoulders and adjusting her grip on the guitar when it inevitably slips. Ross’ hand clamps around the arm of the chair, watching her, knowing how she was feeling, wanting to envelope her in his arms and take her worry away. 

It was hard seeing her like this, from the moment they met her there was an indescribable ease that radiated from her, like meeting someone who was already exactly who they were supposed to be. Music came naturally to her and seeing her like this was… unsettling. They all felt sympathy for her, knowing (without her having to mention) that something was seriously wrong. 

"We can take a break Y/n/n" George says, eyes finding hers through the glass as his fingertips press the button that allows her to hear him. Her eyes flick to Jamie's who smiles and nods, agreeing with George.

"No I'm good G, once more I swear" she says and he nods.

Matty’s hand hovers over George’s fingers, they don’t touch but when George sees his eyes flick to his, one look in his eyes and his finger stays put on the button for a moment, broadcasting Matty’s next words into the other room.

“This is it Y/n/n okay? You’ve got this” his words have her easing slightly, shoulders rolling back before she breathes in deeply, eyes shutting before they open again and she smiles, nodding at Matty.

She sees the red button light up, indicating that recording is in progress and her fingers move against the guitar again. She plays the guitar solo flawlessly, but all of the guys notice how her fingers buzz slightly. She finishes and sighs deeply, she still thinks she can do better.

"That was really good Y/n" Jamie says, smiling widely at her, putting his thumbs up, normally she’d tease him for it, call him an old man just to make him laugh, but she doesn’t… even he knows something is up then.

"Perfect" George says, and her eyes find him through the glass again, he knows she's going to ask to record it once more before she does and he speaks before she gets the chance.

"Don't ask to do it again Y/n/n, it was perfect... get outta that head of yours okay?" he asks and she nods with a sigh. George looks at the guys, leaving the microphone on so she can hear him.

"Going to go for a fag okay" he says and she nods mumbling a "be there in a minute, don't wait up" she says, nodding to both Ross and Matty. Jamie follows the man, phoning someone on his way.

Matty thinks about hanging back, but since his conversation with Ross he's apprehensive. It seems that ever since Ross told him to act the same, he’s been doing the opposite, he didn’t know why, but he felt a level of pressure now, although he knows that wasn’t the man's intention. But when Ross' hand finds his shoulder and he smiles, he knows it's okay.

"Hang back okay?" he says and Matty nods. When he enters the room, she's unplugging her guitar, placing it into its case. It's then that he realises she's using the light blue guitar, the first of two her brother had bought for her. 

"You alright love?" he asks, she doesn't speak but nods and he knows she's lying. He crosses his arms over his chest and looks at her, she stands from her spot, standing opposite him. She lasts three seconds before she sighs deeply, rolling her eyes and chuckling at him.

"That's not fair" she says, pointing at him. He shrugs and mumbles a "don't know what you're talking about darling" she sighs again. Her hands find her hair, letting it fall down her back from its place in a bun.

She finds it funny how quickly she breaks around him, walls falling down and colliding with his own, destroying them in the process.

"Liv called me this morning, apparently something happened at June's school, some bully pushed him over in the playground and he busted his lip... just shook me up a bit" she explains, hands resting against her forearms, almost to protect herself. She finds it a little ridiculous that she's shaking so much, but she wanted nothing more than to be there with June.

"Hey it's okay" Matty says, stepping forward, hands finding hers against her arms, running along them to calm her. She looks up at him with soft eyes, he smiles softly down at her and some of the tension eases from her.

"Is that what's gotten you so shaken up?" he asks and she nods, he pulls her in then, hugging her tightly.

"And why I'm messing up" she says, he pulls back slightly, shaking his head down at her.

"Don't do that... you're fine, we all get off days" he explains and she sighs.

"Mine had to be on a day when Jamie's here... wanted to impress him" she admits, despite thinking it sounded a little silly.

"He's impressed, trust me" he says, pulling her to his chest again.

"Do you know what's happening with him?" Matty asks and she nods again, mumbling her next words into his chest.

"He's in the emergency room at the moment, waiting to be seen" she explains and he nods.

"Want me to drive you there?" he asks and she shakes her head.

"No it's okay... He'd hate that" she says, laughing at the thought of an angry June. He hated fuss.

"Okay, but he'd forgive you... do you want to be with him?" Matty asks and she nods.

"I do... but it's fine... I'll wait until Liv calls me again" Matty nods and hugs her again. There’s a moment of silence before Matty speaks again. 

"Any reason you're using that guitar" he points to the open case and her eyes fall to it.

"Didn't feel right using the green one today... don't know why, just a feeling" she says and he nods, placing a haste kiss to her forehead before pulling away.

The pair leave the room after that, joining the other men downstairs, both who have finished their cigarettes now, Jamie still on the phone. She smiles at Ross who wraps an arm loosely around her shoulders. George begins talking to Matty but he doesn't really listen, too busy eavesdropping on what Ross says to her.

"Heard anything from Olivia yet?" he asks. Of course he already knew. Matty still appreciates the fact he encouraged him to talk to her. 

"Not yet..." she says. After Matty and her share a fag (mainly to save time) they return to the studio. She records some more for the track, less shaky this time. Half way through her recording some vocals, her phone rings by the sound desk. George pauses the track and speaks through the microphone again.

"Phone's ringing Y/n" he says, she rushes into the connecting room, taking the phone from the drummer's hand. "Girls" is the ringtone and they all smile.

"Sorry... Liv's favourite song" she says making them all chuckle before she's picking up.

"Hi" she answers, before her face is covered with panic. They can hear someone talking quickly on the other side of the phone.

"Okay, okay, okay" she says quickly "Liv! Breathe!" she says and they hear the phone go quiet. Her eyes flick between the guys and she speaks again "I've got an idea but just bare with me okay?". Liv mumbles a "okay" before Y/n removes the phone from her ear to speak to the guys.

"Okay... June's had stitches, but Liv's boss is being a dick and demanding she goes back to work but it's too short notice to get a babysitter and he can't go back to school" she explains and all the guys nod. George is slightly confused, but Jamie the most confused out of all of them for he didn't know who Liv or June was. Y/n and George had briefly spoken about the passing of her brother but hadn't spoken about his son or his girlfriend.

George shares a look with Ross, one in which reads "I'll catch you up later".

"I know it's a right pain in the arse and I understand you saying no... but could he come here for a few hours? Just until Liv can pick him up?" she asks.

"Of course love" Matty says and Ross smiles whilst Jamie nods, he doesn’t know who she’s talking about but he didn’t mind if it helped her out.

"Yeah... no problem at all" Ross says and then George nods too. She brings the phone to her ear again and continues talking to her sister in law.

"Bring him here okay? - Yeah the guys said it's fine... Yeah? I'll send you the address" they hear her say.

"Love, I can take you to pick him up," Matty says, drawing her attention to him. She shakes her head but smiles at him, mouthing a "thank you" as Olivia speaks.

"Okay... see you soon. Love you too" she says. She hangs up then sighs deeply.

"Sorry about that" she says, eyes finding George's then.

"You must be so confused" she says to George and Jamie, both who nod. She proceeds to tell him about June and Olivia whilst Matty and Ross clear up a little, having heard from her that her nephew was a bit of a menace and had already sustained an injury today and didn't need anymore.

20 minutes passes by and her phone buzzes with a text from Olivia, explaining that they were here. She leaves the guy's in the room, each working on something and not wanting to disturb them. She walks down the stairs, leading to outside. She finds them outside, June smiling widely at her and running and jumping into her eyes. He lands with an "omph" from her and it makes him giggle. 

"Careful Junebug, don't get any more injuries whilst I'm gone" Olivia says.

"Mum!" he complains "don't call me that" it makes Y/n laugh, pulling him gently back by his chin to look at his lip. He has a few stitches on his bottom lip and it's a little jutted out, making him look poutier than usual. He also has a small cut on his chin that’s clearly been cleaned but didn’t need stitches. 

"Ooo, look at you" she says and he laughs, pulling back and straightening up as if proud.

“Look cool huh?” he asks and it makes her laugh, eyes flicking to his mum who rolls his eyes.

“It was that Rory kid again” Olivia says, clearly angry at the fact. Rory was a child in June’s class who was a huge dick, he often made stupid jokes about how June didn’t have a dad and truly deserved to be shoved himself. She puts June down, placing a hand on the top of his head to keep his attention on her.

“Better have pushed him back June” she says and Olivia laughs when June’s eyes flash with mischief.

“Oh he did a bit more than that, didn’t you June?” Olivia says, the child's eyes flick up to Y/n and he nods proudly. 

“Punched him” June says matter-of-factly, the tone making her laugh.

“Good on you bud” she says, turning to her sister-in-law. She doesn't doubt that Olivia had to have the mandatory "we don't condone violence but well done for sticking up for yourself" talk which gave her plenty of space to be the proud auntie, congratulating him for giving a mean kid what he deserved. Problematic or not, she didn't care. 

"Thank you so much for this Y/n" Olivia says, pulling her into a brief hug and accepting the bag of his things.

"Happy to help... tell the boss to" she leans forward slightly so only Olivia can hear "fuck off" it makes her laugh. The door opens behind her and she turns, seeing Ross. She smiles at him and he smiles back. She's kind of happy that he'd be the first to meet her nephew.

"Sorry, was just checking you were okay" he says, stepping onto the street. It's very kind, a fact not going unnoticed by Olivia. 

"Ross this is Olivia... Oliva, this is Ross" she says and Ross smiles at her, offering her his hand to shake.

"Lovely to meet you" he says "Nice to meet you, heard a lot about you" Olivia says, making the man raise his eyebrows at Y/n who rolls her eyes at her sister in law. 

Ross' eyes then land on June and Y/n watches as he kneels down to greet the little man.

"You must be June" Ross says, each of the women chuckle when June grips onto Y/n's calf and hides from the man.

"The bassist" his words have the boy coming out from his hiding place, smiling widely at the bearded man.

"Nice to meet you, how about we go upstairs and you can have a go on my bass huh?" he asks and June nods happily, grabbing his hand in that completely uncaring way children did. Y/n stands mouth slightly agape at the sight, heart beating rapidly in her chest. Just when she thought she couldn't find him any more attractive.

"Thank you again" Olivia says, pulling her into a hug again, murmuring a "he's hot" before pulling away.

"I'll call you when I finish work" she says as she opens her car door.

"Junior" she says, drawing the child's attention from the man who he was talking excitedly too.

"Be good for auntie Y/n okay?" he nods before his mum shuts the door and carefully drives off.

"Ready for this bud?" she asks as June takes her hand again, one holding hers, the other holding Ross', he nods and the three of them walk him upstairs to the studio. Jamie meets them at the top of the stairs, introducing himself to the child. Maybe it's because Jamie is a father himself but June isn't shy around him, immediately talking his ear off and allowing him to take him into the studio.

The boy's eyes fill with childlike wonder when he enters the room, clinging to Y/n when he sees two tall men sitting in the room. One with curly hair like his, a guitar resting in his lap and the other tall man sitting behind a drum kit.

"Don't be shy June, they won't hurt you" she says with a laugh, one hand finding the back of his head and giving him a gentle nudge forward. Suddenly, the June she knows springs to life, straightening his shoulders and moving forward confidently.

"I’m Junior, but you can call me June" he announces and it makes her laugh loudly, her head thrown back. Ross smiles at the sight, his heart doing a harsh pitter-patter in his chest and skipping a beat. Matty puts his guitar down and walks up to the boy, leaning down and offering a hand to him.

"Hey mate, I'm Matthew, but you can call me Matty" he says and June accepts his hand, shaking it harshly.

"Matty" he repeats and the man smiles and nods. 

"Some grip you've got there mate" he says, eyes flicking up to her, the both of them smiling widely at each other.

"You've got hair like me" June says happily, flashing a toothy smile at the man, his dimples showing on his cheeks. Matty nods at the boy before he loses interest and walks over to George, staring up at him with his mouth open. Y/n watches with her finger in-between her lips, trying to hold in her laughter.

"I'm June!" he announces again.

"Hey mate, I'm George" he says, shaking his hand too.

"Just George?" June says, cocking his head to the side.

"George Daniel, but you can call me George or G" the man says and everyone begins to smile.

"George Daniel? Aren't they both first names? That's weird" they all laugh loudly at that, George cackling, eyebrows raised at her.

"He's got a point mate" Matty says and she laughs.

"He's cheeky" Ross says and Y/n nods "little Dylan" she says with a smile, June then runs up to them, clinging to her leg again.

"He sounds like Dad" the kid mumbles to her. The guys fall silent then, waiting to see what she says.

"Dylan had a really deep voice just like you G" Y/n says to the guys before she looks at June again. When she met June, Olivia asked for videos of Dylan so June could get to know his dad despite him not being able to meet him. She doesn't quite know what to say.

She's grateful when she feels a large hand rest against her back, before the man is speaking.

"Your dad used to play bass too, right?" Ross says and June nods.

"How about I show you some stuff?" Ross asks and June jumps excitedly, taking Ross' hand and dragging him towards his bass which rests in a stand. She finds Ross' eyes and mouths a "thank you" he just smiles at her. She watches as Ross takes the bass in his hands, playing the bassline to one of their songs, it makes June smile widely, raising his eyebrows at the man.

"Wanna try?" Ross says and the boy nods excitedly. He hadn't been learning for too long (a fact he tells Ross) as the bass was a big guitar and even now looked a little funny resting in the small boy's hands. Despite this Ross teaches him something simple, smiling impressively when he plays it easily.

"He's good, '' he says to Y/n who smiles and nods. Ross tries to teach him something a little more advanced, an original baseline he had written for the song they were recording today and she smiles when June gets frustrated because he can't quite reach the right strings.

It's like watching a splitting image of her brother, when he'd get frustrated at her for not getting things quite right. She walks over to the pair, sitting down opposite June, next to Ross.

"Try this" Ross says, adjusting the boy's hand slightly, this time when he tries his fingers reach the right strings and he cheers happily.

"Hey mate" George says as he joins the group, "that sounds good" June smiles up at him at that.

"Ross taught me it!" That makes her smile widely and she can't help but reach for her phone, snapping a quick picture of the child.

"Wanna record it? Be on your first record?" George suggests and June nods excitedly.

"Alright with you, auntie Y/n?" George says, his tongue peeking out at the corner of his mouth, making her laugh and roll her eyes at the man.

"Of course... going to be on your first record at the age of 6 bud" she says. Ross takes the bass from the child and he hugs Y/n tightly. Matty and Y/n set up everything ready for him, plugging in the bass.

"Okay mate, so this is how it works, see this" Matty says, pointing to a little red button to the left of where they stand, the boy nods.

"That will turn red when George clicks record" June nods again.

"And then you'll hear these little clicks in your ear phones" Matty says, nodding to George who clicks play briefly so June can hear what he's talking about. He then pauses the track to allow Matty to continue to explain.

"The metronome" everyone smiles at the boy's words, it also raises a few eyebrows, each of the guys impressed.

"That's right" Matty nods.

"Then you'll hear Y/n's beautiful voice okay?" June nods again and smiles at her. She rolls her eyes at the compliment but smiles at Matty.

"We can count you in and then you can play yeah?" June nods.

"What if I mess up?" June says.

"Don't worry about that mate, auntie Y/n messes up all the time" Matty says making her laugh loudly.

"Unfair" she says, eyes finding him, he sticks his tongue at her and it makes the child smile and laugh.

"Ready bud?" she asks and he nods. She shuffles back, allowing Matty to take over, the man counting the child in when needed. She watches proudly as he smashes it, getting the short baseline right on the first go. Ross steps in to take the bass from him and watches as the child pounces on Y/n excitedly, knocking her from her crouched position.

She cushions the child's fall with two hands on his back as he hugs her tightly. She laughs loudly and everyone smiles fondly at the sight.

"Smashed it kid!" she says, nuzzling her face into his neck and embarrassing him.

George does a quick edit of the new recording and then plays the track out loud. June sits up suddenly, clutching her hand tightly.

"You did that bud" George says through the microphone.

"Rockstar" Matty says, making him smile widely again.

By the end of the day, June is well and truly tired: having had a go on the drum kit (accompanied by George and making a load of racket), taught a simple guitar riff by Matty (after they spoke about their curly hair together, something y/n found ridiculously adorable) and having played Ross' bass again (crawling into the man's lap and working with him to reach the right strings, something yn snapped a few pictures of, immediately sending them to Olivia).

Now he's asleep in Y/n's arms on a sofa in the studio, with an inflated ego (having received a multitude of compliments by the bandmates), indented fingers and a happy smile resting on his busted lips.

"You're really good with him" Jamie says, sitting opposite her. The guys are working on this and that whilst laughing together.

"Thanks" she says, smiling down at the child as she smooths a hand through his curls.

"How old is he?"

"6"

"Ooo rough age that" Jamie says, making her laugh.

"Matty told me about your brother... Sorry to hear it" Jamie says.

"It's okay... been a while"

"6 years I'm guessing" Jamie says and she nods with a smile, eyes back on her nephew.

"You're really close with him huh?"

"Only known him for 4 years... but he's the most important person in my life" she says, eyes moving upwards and finding the boys. They were all sat at the sound desk, Matty's legs resting below the various buttons, arms hooked over his knees as he laughed with his head thrown back. George had a hand hooked behind his shoulders, laughing that bizarre cackling laugh he did that instantly made her smile. And Ross, sat next to Matty, eyes crinkled as he smiled widely, dimples showing and eyes sparkling, Ross’ chesty chuckle ringing around the room.

"One of the most important people" she corrects and Jamie looks behind them, where she's looking and smiles widely.

"They really care about you, you know" Jamie says and she nods.

"I know..."

"Think they would've been heartbroken if you guys hadn't signed the contract" he admits and she chuckles.

"Was always going to sign the contract Jamie" she admits and he nods.

"I know..." he pauses but she knows he has more to say, he hesitates but then speaks again "just want to make sure you're doing it for the right reasons" she knows what he's suggesting. That she was doing it because of them. She couldn't deny they nudged her in the right direction, made the decision an easier one, but it was always going to be the right thing to do. The offer was too good to refuse.

"I've wanted this since I was 6 Jamie... And we had plenty of opportunities but they were never... right? This feels right" she explains and he nods slowly.

"But does it feel right because of them?" he asks; it was a fair question. But she knew the answer. Her eyes find them again anyway and she smiles.

"It feels right because this is the first time we have worked with people who haven't shut down our ideas the first chance they get. It feels right because Abbie and Matty work well together, because Clara and Ross come up with dope basslines and because for the first time ever Jay doesn't fight against others' ideas, he rolls with them. It feels right because we've met people who are just like us, with a creative vision that they nourish instead of stomping out and a label who supports that. So yes it feels right because of them, but not just because of them" she explains and Jamie nods and smiles.

"Good" he says, reaching for her hand and squeezing gently before leaving her. Her phone begins to ring and the boy in her lap stirs gently, but not enough to wake up. She answers quietly.

"Hi" she says in a hushed voice.

"I'm downstairs"

"Okay... June's asleep..." she says.

"You got him?"

"yeah I've got him, be down in a second" she hangs up, hand drifting through the child's hair again.

"June my love... gotta wake up bud, Mum's here" she says and the child groans, stirring in her lap and nuzzling his head into her hand.

"Everything okay?" she hears, her eyes snap up and she sees Ross smiling down at her.

"Yeah just a stubborn child" she says, chuckling and attempting to wake the child again. When he doesn't wake she stands unsteadily, the child heavy in her arms. She begins walking with him but struggles.

"Can I?" Ross asks, gesturing to the child in her arms. She trusts him with her life and the offer is so sweet it has her stomach dipping and soaring. She nods with a smile and allows the man to carry the child, the two of them walking down the stairs. Matty watches him and smiles when their eyes meet.

"Hi!" Olivia says when she sees the pair, practically fawning over the man that's carrying her child.

"Thank you Ross, that's really sweet" she says, opening the back door of her car and allowing the man to slide him into the back seat carefully.

"No trouble" he says, smiling down at her.

"How was he?" Olivia directs her question to Y/n who smiles widely.

"He was an angel" Olivia raises her eyebrows at that.

"He played the bass with Ross and even recorded a bit for a track" she says, Olivia smiling at that.

"Oh that's amazing, thank you squish" Ross smirks at the name, reminding himself to ask about it later. "Forever going to be the best auntie, he's never going to shut up about his rock star aunt at school now. Thank you again... all of you" she says, directing the last of her words to Ross.

"Our pleasure truly... He's welcome anytime" it makes Y/n smile widely and Ross smile back at her. She knows Olivia is going to ask something a bit personal before she does but she doesn't have the chance to intercept it before it happens.

"Do you have kids Ross?" she knows he doesn't, Y/n had told her basically everything there was to know about the man. In fact, she was one of the only people that knew how confusing her thoughts about him and his friend were.

"No" he chuckles "my brother has a son... he means the world to me to be honest" he admits and it makes Y/n smile again.

"That's really sweet" Olivia says, eyes landing on Y/n and she smirks and raises her eyebrows again.

"Anyway... we should be going" Olivia says "thanks again", she steps forward, wrapping her sister-in-law in a tight hug.

"If you don't fuck that man I will kill you" she murmurs into her ear. Ross catches the gist of the words and it makes him smirk, turning his head so as to not look like he heard on purpose.

"You're so annoying" she murmurs back before pulling away, Y/n hands her June's bag and she then enters the car, stopping once she's nearly inside.

"Seriously do it, it will be good for you" Olivia says.

"Goodbye Olivia!" she says, rolling her eyes and shutting the woman's door. Y/n then turns to Ross, as Olivia begins driving off.

"Sorry about that" she says, awkwardly running a hand through her hair, hoping he didn't hear her words.

"Thank you for today... you were really good with him" she says, stepping forward slightly so they were closer.

"You're welcome... he's a good kid" Ross says, pulling her closer, hands closing around her waist. Someone drives past and beeps at them, Ross pulls away and takes her hand, taking them round the corner of the building for some more privacy. He pulls her towards him then, his back finding the wall of the building as he holds her flush to him.

"Care to explain what squish is?" he asks, one hand hooking under her chin, gently holding her face in his soft grasp.

"You caught that huh?" she chuckles and he nods. She laughs and rolls her eyes at the thought of having to explain this just because of Olivia.

"Promise not to take the piss out of me?" she asks, hands finding his chest, flattening against the covered flesh, smoothing against it and smiling at the sight.

"Me? Never" he says and it makes her laugh again.

"When I was younger... whenever people said things I didn't like, didn't agree with or things that made me uncomfortable, I would try to hide my opinion but without knowing it I would squish my face up... I showed videos of Dyl and I to June so he'd know his dad a little more y’know… Olivia has been calling me that ever since" she explains and Ross smiles.

"Well now I've just got to see that" he says, pushing forward slightly, nudging her body with his a little.

"Never" she says.

"Please" he begs, she shakes her head. He pulls her tighter towards him, nuzzling into her neck and mumbling another "please", drawing a "no" from her.

"I can be really persuasive" he mumbles into her ear before his lips find her neck, lightly moving against the skin. Her eyes flutter shut at the feeling and she sighs.

"Please" he mumbles against the skin, leaving a simple peck there before pulling back. She supposes it's because she knows he may reward her if she does it so her nose scrunches up, her eyes squint and her lips purse.

"That's simply adorable" he says, a jokey tone to his voice before he places a peck to her scrunched up nose. Her face falls back to normal and she shoves him lightly. He copies her previous face, scrunching his nose, lightly mocking her.

"You're mean" she says, hands pressing against his chest, sending him backwards against the wall again.

"And you're adorable" he says, leaning forward before he dips to the left, nuzzling back into her neck making her giggle, hands finding the back of his head, attempting to pull him away from her. Her hands grasp his bun, lightly tugging at it, he moves with it, pulling back from her neck, smiling down at her.

"Careful squish... might have to listen to Olivia if you do that again" he jokes but his words let her know that he did indeed hear her sister-in-law’s words earlier.

"Don't get cocky now MacDonald '' she raises with a huge smile. They fall silent for a second before her eyes flick to his mouth. It's a comfortable silence, undeniably sweet.

"You made his day today... thank you again" she says and he smiles down at her again, hands finding her chin again.

"It was nice... made me miss the little man though" he admits, referring to his own nephew.

"When do you get to see him again?" she asks.

"I'll arrange to visit them soon" she nods at that.

"Could come with me if you'd like... if you're not busy of course" he suggests and she nods.

"I'd love that" she doesn't think that it's perhaps too early for them, that it would be hard to explain to his brother what they were when they were asked, she didn't even think that she'd likely have to come up with an excuse as to why she wasn't available. She just agreed.

"Yeah?" he asks.

"Yeah" he smiles down at her, liking her answer.

"Besides" she says, tugging him forward slightly until their lips graze "you with kids? Hot." she admits making him smirk.

"Oh really?" he says with a raised eyebrow.

"Very" she says before pulling him the rest of the way, their lips meeting in a passionate kiss. 

Meanwhile in the studio, Matty is tidying up the space, putting things back into their original places. But when he goes to walk across the room, his foot hits something, kicking it slightly further across the floor. His eyes flick down, spotting the black notebook in which he's seen her scribble in a fair amount now. He leans down, grabbing the book and raising it up, but something slips from between the pages, landing folded at the tip of his boots.

He should've picked it up carefully, and gently placed it back in-between the pages. But Matty was just a man, a curious one who often did things against his better judgement. Things he knew would likely cause him more trouble than they’re worth.

But not this, not when he unfolds the paper, and reads the first line and knows this is definitely worth it. It’s a song scribbled out onto the page, the ink spills across the paper, the words almost completely linked, as if it was pouring out from her and she couldn't stop it. The title is directly in the middle, written untidily at the top of the page.

“Take Me Higher” it reads. A complete contrast to all the other writing of hers he’d ever seen. 

Let our passions ignite, bodies tangled in the night

Don't lie, don't deny, I set your souls alight

"Souls" he murmurs to himself, hearing George mutter a "hmm?" To which he quickly rushes out a "nothing don't worry" before he continues reading.

You're the fire, dark desire, come on now, feed the fire

Heat rising, bodies colliding, dripping sweat, tastes like sex

Rhythm pounding, hearts racing, together we're finding what's next

Matty feels his heartrate pick up, his chest constricts just slightly, the air expelled from his lungs in a sharp exhale, one which comes out shaky and broken. He reads over the last two lines of the verse “heat rising, bodies colliding, dripping sweat tastes like sex”. Images flash through his brain, all of her in compromising positions, her beautiful body lathered in sweat, glistening under the dark light of his room. He feels his body heat, cheeks flushing as his eyes darken. “Rhythm pounding, hearts racing, together we’re finding what’s next” he reads the line again, mind plagued with thoughts he shouldn’t be having. Like her lips wrapped around him, or pressed against his own, or him, in between her thighs, driving into her until all he knew was her name and all she knew was his. 

Her back is the one pressed against the concrete now, thighs spread, one leg hitched up, resting against his hip as his lips move quickly against hers, tongues fighting, saliva mixing until they don't know where one begins and where the other ends. She feels slightly exposed, the skirt she’s wearing hitching upwards the longer she holds her thigh up over his hip. The cool air meets her clothed core, her panties visibly soaked. Resisting him this long had been a difficult feat, but this, right now, was harder than any of those days combined. This is reckless though, she had been trying her hardest to hide this, but all it would take is for one of the others to come out and they'd be caught. Maybe it added to the thrill of it? Maybe it would be easier if they were caught?

Her back arches as he pushes forward more, she feels him against her core, hard and desperate. He pulls away when he realises what he’s done, not wanting to push her too far. But with a sigh she grabs his shoulder, hand drifting down his chest, down across his stomach, beginning to dip down until he’s breathless, curving back up at the last minute, landing on his hip.

“Tease” he mumbles against her lips making her chuckle against his mouth. 

“I'll show you a tease” she murmurs, teeth closing around his bottom lip and taking it with her as she pulls away a little, the hand against his hip pulls slightly, until his clothed member collides with her clothed core. She releases his lip from the attack of her teeth, letting it snap back to place before he pushes them back to hers, tongue pressing eagerly against hers. He grunts into her mouth, one large hand finding her thigh, his palm squeezes the flesh and her skirt slips slightly, revealing more skin to him. He rolls his hips forward experimentally.

“Fuck” they say in unison. This was the furthest they had gone, it wasn't much, but my oh my it was euphoric. 

Matty reads the words “touches” what seems like a thousand times, plural. His mind spirals at that, what was this about? Who was this about? He looks around the room, George sat with a pair of headphones on and of course Jamie is nowhere to be seen. Surprise surprise he thinks. He slides from the room then, escaping to the bathroom. He perches on the lid of the toilet, hand placed on his thigh, nails digging in when he reads the next words.

Now we're touching the sky

We are ready to fly

Take me higher, we'll soar and defy

I got the feeling that we're gonna -

He feels his blood rush south, imagining the way she’d sing this, voice breathy and high pitched, hitched in her throat as if she was about to… he imagines her again, sweaty body sprawled out on his bed, thrashing about amongst his bed sheets, back arching off his bed. She’d moan, a breathless sound, something akin to his name. His cock twitches under his jeans and his hand finds his hair, tugging harshly, other hand gripping the piece of paper so harshly it crinkles. He tries his hardest to resist the urge to please himself… tries. 

“Fuck” he says, what would it feel like if she tugged his hair? That image of her arching her back flashes through his mind again. Only this time he’s hovering above her. His hand moves back down from his hair, he shouldn’t - he knows he shouldn’t but he can’t help himself. His palm finds his aching member, pressing flat against the hardness, eyes fluttering shut as he imagines driving into her. The way she’d sigh, the way she’d moan his name, begging for more. 

Hit that level, strum that bass, flick that switch

Let's get sinful, baby, let me be your demon's itch

Craving your touches until we unleash hot rock and roll

“Ross” she says, hands moving from his back to his bun, tugging at the hair until he growls into her mouth. Well he definitely liked that, she thinks. His hips move against hers, rolling forward, hitting her clit with every rotation. 

He pulls back for a breather, eyes snapping south, accompanied by hers. He watches as he rolls his hips forward again. He sees his member bulging and straining against his jeans. Her eyes snap to the same thing he’s looking at, although it affects her much more. She caused that. Her, the one who had been shaky all day, messing up things that were supposed to be second nature to her. She did that to him, the man she had idolised since a teenager, loving the way his quiet nature fascinated her, the way his passion for music shone without him having to thrust it into people’s faces.

The man who belonged to her favourite band, the man who she had grown close to, the man she had begun to picture a life with, before hers had really begun.

She also can't help but notice how well endowed he was. She’s not surprised, the sight only confirming her suspicions, but it has one too many dirty thoughts bedevilling her mind, like how he’d feel inside her, how he’d likely reach places inside her that no one had ventured to before. She knew then, that she'd let him, and only him, paint those places with his cum.

He hears her moan his name again and his eyes snap to find hers again. Mouth falling open as he grunts, seeing her like this - back arching, chest pushed against his and she moans, eyes dark like the night - made him crazy.

He leans forward, lips finding her neck, kissing up to her ear, sucking the flesh behind her lobe. 

“Let me please you” he demands into her ear.

“You are” she says, pulling him back from her neck, not wanting him to leave a mark. He shakes his head as he looks at her. 

“That's not what I mean,” he says, lips pressed against the skin that's exposed at her chest, wandering downwards, over her covered skin, drifting south. 

“Oh fuck” she says, realising what he means. He's on his knees then, lips pressing against her skin, moving to the left until they’re grazing her inner thigh. Her head falls back against the wall as her hands weave their way through his hair, goosebumps rising across her flesh. 

We'll ride on passion's wave and lose all control

In your eyes, I discover lust burning inside

Matty’s hand dips below the waistband of his jeans and underwear, rolling his palm against his cock. 

“Fuck” he grunts, he hunches slightly, slipping down the toilet a little. When his head snaps backwards it lands against the china, it digs into his head but he truly doesn't care. Nothing could get her off his mind, the lyrics she had written plaguing his mind with dirty, filthy, devilish thoughts. He imagines the way her small hand would wrap around his cock, he copies the movements, hand finding himself aching and hard, his fist encloses around himself. Her hand would be softer. He'd still be warm in her hand just like he is his own, but he knows it would be better, because it was her. He gives himself an experimental stroke as his eyes snap open, finding her words and reading them again.

“Fucking hell” he says as his eyes scan over the page, his hand moves slowly, up and down, up and down. His eyes mirror the movement of his hand, but quicker, trying to decide which line to reread, which line is his favourite, which line would make him…

He moans, thumb running over the head of his cock, spreading the precum that's seeping from him down his shaft. His eyes land on a particular line again, and he mumbles it out loud, wanting to hear how it would sound, not in his head. 

"In your eyes, I discover lust burning inside" he reads out loud, doing his best to keep quiet. But then a moan is tearing from his throat and his hips are snapping up, thrusting into his own hand.

Explode like dynamite, carnal desire can't be denied

In this darkness, we'll do what we want, our secrets we won't hide

"Ross wait" she says, fingers finding his chin, tugging lightly at him sending him backwards, feeling the way his hair scratched her fingertips, making her think of heavenly it would feel in-between her thighs.

"Do you want to stop?" He asks with a rogue kiss to her inner thigh, tongue peeking out just so before he pulls away with a smirk. Her dark orbs find his: reflections of each other. She shakes her head with her mouth agape, the way he smirks has her core fluttering and her pulling her lip between her teeth.

He stands, fingertips pulling back her lip "don't bite that lip" he warns.

"Why? Wanna do it for me?" He grunts, pushing his mouth to hers, nibbling her lips before his tongue finds hers, fighting with each other, his winning in the end. 

"Do you want this?" He asks against her mouth, his voice is soft, letting her know that it truly was okay to stop, if she wanted. His hand finds her core as he poses the question, stroking against the wet fabric of her underwear, making her sigh against his mouth.

"I want this… just not here"   she allows him to weave his hand through hers, dragging her body with his willingly, giggles and laughter falling from them easily as they practically run back up the stairs. Her palm finds his mouth when they are near the top, silencing the laughter coming from him. His hand finds her waist, tugging her towards him, spinning them at the last instant until he's pressing her against the wall, trapping her against it with his lips. She moans into his mouth, her body working on its own accord, arching her back until her chest is flush against his. It was reckless, all it took for them to get caught was Jamie to come back from wherever he had disappeared to or for Matty or George to round the corner and see them in their current position. Which was getting more compromising with every second, because now, Ross is pushing his leg forward, her thighs separating and making way for the limb. She holds back the moan that attempts to tear from her throat when she feels the muscular flesh press against her in a way so heavenly her eyes flutter and the moan slips from her mouth into his.

“As much as I love those pretty little noises, you've got to be quiet” he says against her mouth. She gently shoves his shoulder, intertwining their hands again and pulling him further along the studio corridor, opening the first door she finds. The room is small, cold and dark, various cables and different pieces of equipment are placed on shelves which line the walls. She tugs him in the dark room and he quietly closes the door behind them, spinning them again until her back is pressed against the dark wood. 

His lips bruise themselves against her neck as her hands weave into his hair again, and she doesn’t stop herself from tugging at his hair time, she wants to know his reaction. And she's so glad she does, because when she tugs the strands, it sends him a little further away from her neck, he growls as he pushes forward again. That singular noise accompanied by a subtle bite of her neck has her raising her leg again, hooking it over his hip and behind him, her heel landing on his behind and pushing against it, loving the way he grunts again, one hand sprawling out to catch himself against the door. It forces his clothed member to rub against hers again and she loves how he isn't hesitant when he rolls his hips forward once more. The seam of his jeans rubs against her clit over her panties and she can't help but moan into his mouth, a little bit louder than before. 

His hand finds her thigh, pushing against the fabric that sits bunched there, pushing it further up until it rests against her hips, revealing herself to him. And what a sight, it has him salivating, panting, needing her - desperately needing her. But this wasn't about him, no this was about her. And god when he sees that little wet patch seeping through the fabric of her panties he so desperately wants to taste her. 

His lips find her ear at the same time his hand moves down to her centre, pausing at her inner thigh until he speaks “let me please you love, will you let me do that?” he murmurs into her ear, taking it into his mouth after he utters the sentence. She nods vigorously, his hand begins moving and she wishes he’d stop staring at her like that for she knew if he continued she wouldn't last long.

Her eyes fall down to his hand as it moves again, he watches too, slowly inching closer to where she needs him. She didn't want to miss a single second of this. His hand drifts across her thighs, upwards grazing against her core before he jumps over it with a smirk. Purposefully missing it and landing on her lower stomach. His large hand lays flat against her abdomen, practically covering the whole of it, slipping under the hem of her top. Two fingers find the little piece of jewellery attached to her belly button, ghosting over the metal before it disappears again, inching south, back to where she needs him. 

"You're such a tease" she says, making him look at her once more. He watches the way she bites her lip again and the way her eyes have darkened with lust for him.

"You're so beautiful" he says as his hand moves down again, fingers hooking under the top of her underwear and her breath hitches again. Two fingers toy with her folds making her sigh, pulling him forward until their mouths graze again. They don't kiss though, she simply pants into his open mouth as his fingers tease her, playing with her, searching her face, watching the pleasure appear.

"So wet for me" she swallows his words with her lips as he easily finds her clit, beginning to rub slow torturous circles against the bundle of nerves. Her back arches, her tits smearing against his chest. 

"Fuck Ross" he pulls away after she says it, mouth hanging open as his fingers still.

"Why'd you stop?" She says but then he's slowly inching a finger inside her, making her sigh, the loud moans she's been trying to suppress getting harder and harder to do so.

"I've been waiting to hear you like this for so long" he groans as he kisses her again. His moans fall into her mouth and she moans back, knowing he'd swallow it. His finger slips from inside with a whiny protest from her, but she immediately shuts up when he begins tugging the lace down. She watches the way he pockets the fabric with a smirk, she mirrors his expression, her tongue peeking out of her mouth and swiping against his bottom lip. 

He looks down at her again, without the barrier and he moans her name, pulling back completely away from her, her thigh nearly falling from his hip. His hands weave into his hair as he stares at her, eyes raking down her form, not knowing what to land on. 

“I knew you’d be perfect but jesus christ Y/n…” his words trail off but they're everything, the best collection of words she thinks she’s ever heard. Suddenly the words, I and knew and you and be and perfect and especially Y/n are her favourite sounds. And the way they fall effortlessly from his lips: they’re perfection. He is perfection. 

“Don’t make me wait any longer” he’s back in between her legs in a split second then, holding her thigh against his hip harshly. 

He mumbles a “keep that there, pretty girl” before he lets go of the flesh. Pretty girl. They were her favourite words now, definitely. 

His finger moves back down, faster than ever before, he slides one in, just one, feeling the way she convulses around it. He swears at the feeling, eyes trained on the way she takes it, so perfectly. She sighs and it's his favourite sound. He thinks he should record the noise, hide it in tracks for the world to hear, without the slightest inclination of how lucky they are. He pulls back his finger before pushing back in and curving and oh my it's heavenly.

"Ross" she moans again, gripping his shoulder harshly "more" her eyes find his and his hips move forward on their own. His body fails with a singular sigh of his name, the man never hearing it sound so perfect. Another finger joins the other, working in tandem.

His eyes fall down to see his fingers working inside her, curving slightly and snapping up to see her reaction. Nothing could've prepared him for it, a clench of her hand on his shoulder, her eyes fluttering shut before immediately snapping open, eyes bearing into his, glassy and glistening. Her back arches again and a pretty sigh of his name falls from her lips again. 

But what really gets him, what causes him to twitch in his jeans, his eyes to darken impossibly more and him feeling the hardest he had ever been in his life, was the way she clenches around his fingers. 

"Look at you…" he murmurs, eyes unwavering from her cunt now. "So fucking pretty, clenching around my fingers like that" her eyes fall to see what he's talking about, and she can't deny… it's hot. The way his thick fingers move in and out of her, the way her cunt looks wrapped around them and the sounds… the sounds might just be his favourite, that and the way she moans his name.

“Is this good for you?” he asks with a smirk, knowing the answer anyway. It's cocky, but it's hot. Really fucking hot. All she can manage is a quick nod, her mouth falling open and a moan beginning to slip. He quickly catches it with his mouth, not wanting to be heard by anyone else. 

“Rhythm pounding, hearts racing, together we're finding what's next” Matty reads those words again, and he’s unsure whether it is his imagination or whether he actually hears her moans, but he swears he hears them. His hand halts on his cock, and he steadies his breathing, focusing his attention on listening. It rings out again, barely there and oh so quiet but it’s something. His hips fail him again, rising on their own accord until his thrusting into his hand, once and then once more before he wills himself to stop again. 

And to focus… to listen.

Ross’s fingers curve again as his thumb finds her clit, applying euphoric figures of eight against the bundle of nerves. His pace accelerates and she really tries to hide the moans, hide her pleasure, but she fails… Miserably. Her back arches again and he fails to cover her mouth with his this time. He thinks the noise she lets out is beautiful, his new-found favourite melody, but he knew if they got caught they’d be screwed. And so his unoccupied hand snaps to her mouth. She giggles against it, a moan tearing from her half way through, muffled by his mouth.

“Shhhh” he says, laughing because she laughs. “You’ve got to be quiet love… we don't want to get caught” despite his words his movements don't falter. His hand loosens from her mouth, allowing her to reply. But it comes out high pitched, a mumble through her teeth, trying her hardest to remain quiet. 

“Stop being so good at this and maybe I’ll be able to” she says, eyes fluttering as her voice hitches again. Her words inflate his ego and he smears his mouth to hers, meeting her tongue with such an unfathomable force that her head clatters against the wood. He mumbles a “sorry” into her mouth but she doesn’t seem to care, clenching around his fingers again as her tongue fights against him.

Matty sits in the bathroom next to them, hearing little noises here and there, not able to stop his imagination from running wild, allowing his hand to set an unforgiving pace against his cock. He muffles his own moans with his fist, biting into the knuckles to silence himself. He knew this was wrong, getting off to her noises well aware that it was his best friend drawing those pretty noises from her. He feels conflicted when he doesn't feel jealous… it just turns him on further. Making his hips stutter upwards, pistoning up into his hand.

“Fuck” he moans. He wonders what it would be like to be there with them, he swears he'd deal with just being able to watch, if they’d let him. He wonders if Ross would let him touch her too, if he’d allow him to join in. He thinks… he would. If it's what she wanted. 

His pace quickens, the sound of skin colliding against his hardness filling the room. The paper has been discarded to the side, still in his line of vision and when he manages to keep his eyes open, they never leave it. He lowers his fist away from his hand for a second, opening his mouth and letting his spit fall, coating his cock just like he'd imagine she would. The sounds are wetter now and it feels better, so much better. 

It feels like she'd feel, wet around him, clenching him, ready to milk him for all his worth. He tightens his grip, hoping she'd be just as tight.  

“I want to taste you” Ross murmurs into her mouth, catching the oncoming moans with his own again. He wants to taste her, she loves that. “I need to taste you” he repeats. She loves that even more. She pulls away, lip tucked in between her teeth as she stares at him.

“Want that?” she nods, vigorously.

“You’ve got to stay quiet darling” he says and she nods again.

“I will” she won't. 

Her head falls slack against the door with a thump as he drifts down to his knees, he looks up at her through his eyelashes and if that didn’t do it for her there would be something seriously wrong with her.

“Careful sweetheart” sweetheart, she sighs. She giggles a school girlish noise that slips from her lips before she has the chance to stop it when she sees him smirk again. She was never one for pet names, but when they came from his mouth, she loved them. She was obsessed with them, never wanting him to say her name again, only sweetheart and darling and pretty girl.

He fucks up into his hand, continuing to bite into the flesh, although it doesn't silence his grunts as much as he wants it too. He grunts when hears a thud against the wall next to him. What were they up to? He didn't know. But he could imagine. And by god did he imagine.

He settles himself in between her thighs, one hand gripping the back of her calf, drifting up and down once as his eyes land on hers again, wanting to check once more that this was what she wanted. With a singular nod his tongue meets her skin, separating her folds, causing her back to arch again. Her hand snaps to her mouth, covering it completely, the moans falling freely into her palm, dulled out as she bites into the flesh. 

Her other hand falls into his hair and she smiles against her palm as his hand finds hers, manoeuvring it until his hair band is out and she can tug against the free strands. His fingers cover hers and he tenses them together, silently letting her know she could do what she wants.

So she does, tugging harshly and likely hurting him when his tongue swipes through her folds again. He moans into her and she moans into her hand. His beard scratches against her skin, a new feeling to her, but she likes it. The dull pain mixed with intense pleasure is a blissfully heady mixture that she’d never experienced before, her previous partners being subpar in comparison to him. 

He pulls back briefly to mutter a “taste so good love” before he dives back in, swiping through her folds and collecting her juices just to quench his thirst before he focuses on really giving her the pleasure she deserves.

He finds her clit again, sucking the bud and making her clench around his head. He couldn’t wait to do this without her hand swallowing her moans, to really hear her, hear the noises he was easily pulling from her. 

“Oh fuck that’s good” she says, hand slipping from her mouth momentarily before its back there again. He can do better, he knows it and she does too when he smirks up at her, fingers finding her puckered hole again. Two easily thrust in and he loves the way she instantly flutters around them, the pace he sets is unforgiving and it's not long until she’s on the edge. 

She pulls away slightly when he sucks at her clit again, tongue swiping through her folds in the next moment. His fingers leave her to grip her hips, holding him to his mouth but she doesn't care, because it's not long until they’re pushing back in. He has her reaching a high she knows she's never reached before. Safe to say he’s ruined her for anyone else, not that was even an option now. She had him now and was never, ever letting him go. 

His fingers curve, finding her g-spot and the way he caresses it, it has her shaking beneath him. The way his tongue moves against her is possessive and when she feels his tongue moving, in a very particular way that sure feels like his name, her eyes fall to him.

He's already looking up at her, and her hand falls from her mouth but it still hangs open. She’s his, he’s marking her from within, she’d feel him for days, she was convinced of it and the thought was a welcomed one.

Her mouth falls open and no noise comes from her but she spasms and shakes as his fingers pull from her before pushing back in and curving and hitting her g spot again and again, over and over.

“Fuck ross” she says, although her words are barely formed and end up sounding much more like nonsense.  Her fingertips envelope his chin, thumb smoothing over his beard, coated in her wetness. It's a sinful sight, one which a cold shower or two would definitely not fix. Her mouth falls open further and her back arches again. His fingers hook one last time, mouth completely closing round her clit and she breaks. She shakes and he sees her through it, fingers held inside her, caressing the bundle of nerves within her, as he kitten licks at her clit, finally pushing fully against the whole of her as she cums. 

“Ross” she moans, a quiet murmur of his name that might be his favourite yet. Accompanied by a shake of her body and the closing of her thighs. 

Her hand is still holding his chin gently and when the sensation becomes too much she lightly tugs against it. He obeys, pulling from her and licking his lips clean. She watches as he brings his fingers to his mouth too, cleaning them off with a smirk. Her hand grips his chin. It's her new favourite site.

“You’re good at that” her head falls against the door and she sighs, smiling to herself “really fucking good” her hand slips from his chin. He chuckles at her, standing from her thighs, hand enclosing around her waist. He wanted to kiss her but wasn’t sure she’d like that. But then she's pulling him to her, lips finding his, tongue finding his. He tastes like her and she moans, it's erotic but he loves it.

Her fingertips find his chin again as she pulls back, looking at his beard which was still slightly glistening with her, she chuckles at the site. 

“Made a bit of a mess” she laughs and he smiles. 

“Good” he murmurs, pressing his lips to hers again, a brief kiss. 

“Never gotten head from a guy with a beard before” she admits and he raises his eyebrows.

“Don't want to hear about your ex-boyfriends after I just made you come” he says and it has her raising her eyebrows too.

“Guess I won't tell you how shockingly bad they were in comparison then” she says, turning her head slightly, his lips find her jaw, pressing against it as he mumbles a “oh no… that I want to hear… tell me more” 

His hips thrust into his hand once, twice more, before they're sputtering upwards. His cock twitches in his hand, ropes of cum hitting his stomach, he groans a loud, drawn out noise into his bawled up fist. 

"Oh fuck…." He can't help but think how she'd take it if she was here, would she let him coat her chest? Would she beg for him to cum down her throat? He shakes the thoughts away, guilty grabbing handfuls of tissue and wiping himself clean.

"For God sake' he says, hastily removing the obscene amount of come from his stomach. He tucks himself back into his trousers, zipping them up, lifting the lid if the toilet and flushing the tissues. He washes his hands and takes in his reflection.

He shakes his head at himself "fuck off" he murmurs, talking to himself.

He shakes a hand through his hair, and splashes his face with water before he leaves the room, taking the paper, folding it up and placing it in his pocket. He sends a text to George explaining that he wasn't feeling too well and heads home.

Her hand drifts down his chest, but he encloses it before she gets the chance to touch him. Her eyes find his and she furrows her eyebrows.

"Your turn" she says and he smiles but shakes his head, placing a simple peck to her lips.

"That's not why I did that love… I wanted to please you" he explains.

"And you did, you really did" she smirks "now I want to return the favour" he pecks her mouth again after that.

"Another time I promise… we should get back" he says and she frowns. Did he not want her?

"Trust me love… I want to, I want you so badly, but if we're gone another minute I fear our little secret won't be so secretive anymore" he says, silencing her mind as if he could read it.

"Okay" she says and smiles at him. His fingertips envelope her chin lightly, bringing her lips to his for a sweet kiss, one which disabled her momentarily.

"Trust me love… I promise we will have another chance… I'd quite like to get between those pretty little thighs of yours again" he says, his voice dropping an octave. It makes her blush deeply.

"Okay" she says coyly, smiling a dopey smile up at him. 

"Let's get back, yeah?" She nods at his words leaning up to press another kiss to his lips. He smiles into it and suddenly everything feels different between them but at the same time it's as if nothing has changed at all.

George is somehow none the wiser when they return to the studio, too buried in work to realise how much time had passed. She asks where Matty is and George shrugs explaining that he left a while ago but he wasn't sure where he went. George lifts his phone and sees the message his curly haired friend sent reading it aloud to the pair. 

"Hope he's okay" Ross says and George nods, placing his phone down again.

"It's getting late, you should probably head home soon too" George says and both Ross and y/n nod.

"And you?" Yn asks and George smiles.

"I just want to finish this up and then I'll head… you guys go" George says with a smile. Yn smiles back and leans down to hug him and Ross' hand clasps around his before they're leaving.

It's dark outside the dark and a chill runs through her body but it's not long before Ross is wrapping an arm around her frame, warming her instantly.

"I'll walk you home if you like" the air around them feels different now, it's somehow both more comfortable and more exciting. She wants nothing more than to let him walk her home, invite him up to her room and let the night unfold. But Matty is on the forefront of her mind now and she's worried.

"I'd love that…" she hesitates and Ross frowns slightly at her, reading her facial expressions and somehow decoding what she's thinking. She half expects him to sigh, for him to step away from her frame, but her heart swells when he pulls her in tighter. She’s surprised once more at how he seemed to be able to read her mind. 

"You want to check on Matty…" his voice trails off and she nods, unsure on what his reaction would be.

"Is that okay?" She asks, one hand gently holding his face. She feels the way his cheeks shift, a smile tugging at the edges of his lips until the crinkles that she loves form. He nods at her. He knows now that on some level, she was his, and he'd do anything to keep her.

"Yeah love, text me when you're home though yeah?" She nods. She watches as an idea seems to pop into his mind, his face lighting up and his smile spreading.

"We have a day off tomorrow…." we have the day off tomorrow, she liked the sound of that. In fact she loved it. They were a we now, or at least in some way. 

"We do…." She smiles and he smiles back, just as wide.

"Let me take you on a date" he says.

"Hmm… what's in it for me?" She jokes.

"Oh absolutely nothing… I'm not worth the trouble really" he jokes back, stepping away from her briefly, as if to walk away. She’s quick to grab his arb and pull him back.

"Hey hey hey, where do you think you're going?" She asks, making him chuckle a short laugh.

"Yes I'd love to go on a date with you" she says through a giggle.

"We'll go on a date then…" he says.

"Good"

"Good" he confirms it with a brief kiss before pulling away, she watches as he scrunches his nose up, eyes crinkling at the edges as he does and his lips pursing.

"It's a date then squish" he says and she lightly shoves him, but before he goes too far both hands wrap around her small wrists and he tugs gently. She crashes into his hard chest with a little "oomph" and he looks down at her with a smirk and all thoughts and ideas of scolding him for it disappear.

"I'll make it worth your while" he says, his voice low, it makes her shiver. She blushes, her mouth opens and closes, at a loss for words. He chuckles, the kind of one that's just an exhale through his nostrils and his grip loosens around her wrists.

"Go check on Matthew, text me when you get home and I'll see you tomorrow, 10 work for you?" He asks and she nods. 

"Sounds perfect" she watches as he looks both ways down the street and then back over his shoulder and up to the studio, before he turns back to her. No one was around, the street dark and empty. So he leans down and captures her lips in his, in a kiss that completely blows her mind. His soft ones against hers, tongue folding over hers, blissful sighs falling from her and soft groans from him. In those few moments, all that exists is him and them, the world slowing around them like something out of a romance novel. 

He pulls back and all she can do is nod and she chases his lips with hers. It makes him laugh and she slowly opens her eyes to see him again.

"Wow… that was some kiss" 

"You should go… see if Healy is okay" Ross says and she nods, leaning up for one last kiss.

'Dream about me' he says against her mouth, their lips momentarily separated and she nods before his move against hers again.

"As long as you dream about me…" she says, pulling back until their lips just graze.

"I have every day since I met you" 

Taglist: @scooby-doodoo @thereisaplaceintheheart @promocodesorry75 @eaglestar31 @thefrontofmymind @fallingforel @partoftheairforce @procrastinatinglikeapro @poisonmedaddy13 @xthe1975 @all-things-fic @jstbeeingme @rossgirly @juliardk @you-muppet @moodyyyychickx @k4tie75 @insidemymind19 @zzzhealy @maybeiwouldlikeyou @at-her-very-foreign @not-alien-girl-v @sinarainbows @friedlandblog @momentum2023 @youlooklikeshitandyousmellabit @Inhalerbea (add yourself using the link in my bio 😊, those with a line through are the ones i couldn’t tag)

[giveamadeuschohisownmovie]

For my first thought about “Saw X” (once again, highly recommend), I’m really impressed with how the movie managed to make their concept work. It’s mainly because the story of “Saw X” is really hard to pull off.

Not a lot of movies and shows can portray the kidnapper/torturer/evil mastermind as the protagonist while the victims are the main villains. Because, obviously, no one wants to be rooting for a character who is tormenting other people. It’s like making a version of “Squid Game” where you’re supposed to root for the VIPs, that’s a hard sell.

But, there are the rare few that manages to pull this off. “Hard Candy” is one of the best examples of this since the victim is a pedophile murderer while the torturer is Elliot Page. “Don’t Breathe” is an accidental example since even though we’re supposed to root for the victims, they’re not so easy to side with since they’re burglars who robbed a blind man.

So “Saw X” had a tough sell since we’re supposed to be on Jigsaw’s side for once. But honestly, I thought they nailed it. Not only are the victims horrible people (scammers who prey on the terminally ill), the story doesn’t force you to like John Kramer. John is entirely unapologetic about his actions as Jigsaw and the movie doesn’t try to justify him, especially by having Amanda question John’s choice of putting Gabriella into a test (she was a drug addict). Instead, the story naturally puts you on John’s side by focusing on his internal dilemma; fighting his cancer.

The first third of the movie was entirely devoted to John dealing with his cancer and how he was dreading that he was almost out of time. It humanizes John and makes you feel really sorry for him, even knowing who he is. What I like about this is that it’s not forced sympathy because the audience has known about John being a cancer patient for over a decade by now. Focusing on John’s disease and mortality makes sense is what I’m saying.

Even Jigsaw’s friendship with the little boy Carlos makes sense since John wanted to be a father. The one thing that people can say was a little forced to make you sympathize with Jigsaw STILL has precedence in the series, which is really rewarding for people who’ve watched every “Saw” movie. Nothing felt out of place for John’s character, it’s like a legit tribute to the character.

So when you learn that the doctors were all scam artists, it’s natural to side with John since:

1) They did it to themselves

2) You feel for John since you watched at least 30 minutes of him trying to fight the disease

3) You feel angrier towards the doctors since they’re arguably worse people than John

4) The lead doctor reveals that she knew John was Jigsaw and continued the grift anyways, so they have really no excuse

It’s like “Don’t Breathe” again, where both sides are horrible people, but the more sympathetic one gets to be the hero. And I’m all for it, because fuck medical malpractice/grifters.

(Side note: I feel like another way the movie got us on John’s side was that he stayed true to his word. If you pass the test, you get to live. During the movie, he makes sure Diego survived since he passed and asked that Gabriella be taken to a hospital after she freed herself. It’s honor, but in a fucked up way, which is appropriate for the character)

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Did someone say Kanej coded songs by indie artists who deserve more attention? Probably not but I’m gonna give you some anyway

I’m going to limit myself to putting one or two lyrics with each song but just know that I’m picking and choosing from loads of good options they aren’t the only lyrics that work 😁

Pray by The Amazing Devil - “God made all man in his image but honey I’m no man I’m what’s left when children go to war” “Why womanhood is more than crying I’m stronger now than you have ever known, the cracks you made I’ll fill with mortar a broken pot can still hold water”

Metaphor by The Crane Wives - “I’ve gotten good at leaning on metaphors, I’ve gotten good at living on someone else’s page, I cut my teeth on second hand sentiments, you can’t trust a single thing I say” “I keep my closet free of skeletons, ‘cause I’m much better at digging graves, but I always dig up bones in your sympathy, I can’t trust a single thing you say” (I actually have an edit to this that I haven’t posted yet so I guess let me know if anyone wants to see that)

Three Spectres by J Maya this song is the reason I started making edits - “I wonder how people can talk about the past and go to bed, the space around me feels with spectres of what I should have said. The past is a presence, the future is pretend, and the present is a pastor trying to make it all make sense. Will I ever leave this place? This world that I am trying to break? The mind is such a funny space, with these spectres centre stage”

Falling by Florence + the Machine I guess this is kinda borderline indie but I’m counting it and this is an underrated song - “I’ve fallen from favour and I’ve fallen from grace, fallen out of trees and I’ve fallen on my face, fallen out taxis, out of windows too, fell in your opinion when I fell in love with you” “sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release, wish for falling through the air to give me some relief because falling’s not the problem when I’m falling I’m at peace, it’s only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief” the edits could’ve gone wild for this one if we had the tightrope scenes with Amita/Inej I’m so heartbroken

We Have It All by Pim Stones I have an edit to this one posted if anyone wants to see it - “the print was so small I didn’t understand, he cut out thumbs and placed a feather in our hands, told us we would see all our dreams and plans unfold” “all my life I’ve been heading for hell but never had I thought I’d drag you down as well, I just couldn’t resist what he was trying to sell” “our hearts we have sold for diamonds and gold but hey baby take a look, we have it all, and haven’t you heard? Hearts turn to dirt, along with the rest of your body it’s all claimed by the earth. It will fade and it will wither, but gold it will never, and hey baby, don’t you know? Diamonds are forever”

Run by Daughter - “if I try to get close, he’s already gone, don’t know where he’s going don’t know where he’s been but he is restless at night ‘cause he has horrible dreams” “and I won’t tell my mother, it’s better she don’t know, and he won’t tell his folks ‘cause they’re already ghosts. And we’ll just keep each other, as safe as we can, until we reach the border, until we make our plan to run” “Will you stay with me my love, for another day? ‘Cause I don’t want to be alone when I’m on this state. Will you stay with me my love, til we’re old and grey? ‘Cause I don’t want to be alone when these bones decay”

I might add more as they occur to me but I think this is the list for now, feel free to suggest more!!! ❤️

[moonlessdusk]

Hello! I love your mkulia analysis..is!..sises..? Analysees? ..Whats the plural of analysis? Anyways - if you've seen the episode already (and want to of course) could you do an analysis on the ending to episode 9? With the elimination and all that, even if it's something obvious. Anyways, good work! They're always a pleasure to read :)

Aww thank you ❤️ I actually did initially think this was just going to be a surface level read of these two for the episode but I watched it again and I noticed two things at the elimination that I haven’t seen anyone else point out and no joke, one of them might actually have some major implications.

First off, I just want to take note of the beginning of the episode where MK and Julia are about to try and fail to fake sympathy. Because why is Julia holding on to MK’s shoulders while they walk over? Like the hand holding I got because it was a reference to The Shining but this is just unnecessary. So hmm… I guess they’re at a casual touching phase?

They then have a confessional where they both agree that relationships shouldn’t be put over the competition. I don’t know how intentional this is but friendship is brought up a few times through this episode between this, the scene where Chris remarks that friendship can be a good thing, which is immediately followed by MK showing up, and the direct comparison he makes at the end of the episode. That is to say, MK and Julia were always on the same page and unlike everyone else here, knew the competition would come first, it’s why they’re here.

Skipping to the end of the challenge, they know the predicament they’re in because everyone else here for some reason votes based on emotions and who isn’t their friend as opposed to who’s realistically a threat to their chances of winning (*cough cough* Priya). MK is certain that Julia will go back on her word to let it play but she doesn’t seem particularly mad? She looks exhilarated at the idea of trying to outdo each other, more than anything.

On the walk to the ceremony, Julia looks incredibly anxious and MK is glaring almost the entire time. I think Julia knew from the start she’s already betrayed MK, she’s just kinda waiting for the shoe to drop. And when it does, she lets out a sigh but unlike the last time she caused MK’s elimination, she’s not at all happy about it. She’s still hunched over like she’s worried about MK’s reaction.

She’s smiling when she explains how she did it but the turn of her eyebrows reads as a nervous smile and Julia doesn’t actually relax until MK praises of she outplayed her by working smarter instead of harder.

Skipping briefly to MK’s exit confessional, it’s worth noting that she said if she did have to play this season again, she wouldn’t change a thing. That to me sounds like she’s saying she wouldn’t change how she’s made an alliance with and trusted Julia. She doesn’t regret the relationship they made while being here.

Okay now first thing I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen anyone else pick up on is that MK was clearly walking down to the dock unaccompanied by Julia. Also she’s scowling as she does so. Probably at Chris or the general situation, who knows. Julia can still be seen in the background at the bonfire. I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume that maybe she didn’t feel good about how the last thing she said to MK was a gloat about herself. The last time Julia betrayed MK, she avoided her because she was afraid she’d be mad. Maybe MK’s reassurance from that time gave Julia the confidence to take the initiative this time and run down to the dock to be sure if their relationship was still okay.

It’s just sweet that Julia has never cared about what anyone here thought of her before and she explicitly said last season she didn’t want friends but she’s so worried about if her relationship with MK would still be intact.

MK’s words and opinions do cut deep for Julia, even if she does try to play it off. This is the most timid her body language has been and even if she tries to downplay it, she still recoils when it looks MK is actually mad at her.

And here is the part where I was saying could have some major implications. Right when MK begins to say she’s not mad at Julia, listen to the leitmotif playing in the background. For people that don’t know, a leitmotif in media is a short, reoccurring piece of music in that’s meant to invoke the idea of a person, thing, memory, event, emotion, etc. For example, with the original run of the show, when something with positive, big, emotional, and usually (but not always) romantic payoff happened, they would play that music that started with the soft piano and strings and build up to the drums and viola. You know the one.

I’m explaining this so you know how significant it is that the leitmotif playing when MK is reassuring Julia almost sounds like it could be the same one as Bowie and Raj’s romantic one from last season. I’m not kidding, it’s sounds like it could just be a toned down and segmented version of it. Go back to season 1 and listen to the background of these two scenes of their relationship starting and solidifying. You can hear it when Bowie starts talking, then briefly again right before Emma starts shouting.

This isn’t just some generic feel good music they have because the show has a completely different leitmotif for friendship moments. You can hear it when Millie apologizes to Priya in the season 1 finale and you can hear it again at the beginning of Raj’s goodbye in his elimination.

I need someone to check me on this, I don’t know if I’m coping. Leitmotifs don’t necessarily have to be the same key, pace, etc. and total drama frequently segments its music, like the bonfire music is constantly cut down. I’m just not sure if I’m hearing what I want to hear and hoping it indicates this is the serious start of something romantic between them.

ANYWAY, the hug.

I think it’s cute and pretty big for Julia’s character that she initiates it. She finally let herself be vulnerable and invites someone else’s affection purely for the sake of affection. And MK accepts with no eyebrow raise, remark, or any hint of her usual sarcasm and dry humor. With MK’s elimination, their relationship has become no strings attached and they still value it regardless.

[bittersweetarts]

How to Disappear - Chapter 4

Soldier Boy (The Boys) x OC

Word count: 3132 words

Summary: Eden Reid can't help her curiosity, and Soldier Boy can't help but take advantage of that curiosity.

WARNINGS: Swearing, minor violence

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - AO3 Page

Chapter 4: Talk

“Good morning princess. Tea or coffee?”

Eden’s body was sore, and her neck and arms ached. The room was cold, like a freezing cold you could feel in your bones, and as Eden’s vision returned and sharpened, she found herself in an unwell-lit, vacant windowless room, and stood in front of her were two figures; an average-looking curly-haired Joe, and the large, dark-haired, bearded man who had attacked her in her home.

Immediately Eden tried to stand, adrenaline now coursing through her veins, but she found herself restrained, with one of her hands handcuffed to a pipe behind her. This would not be a problem, but as she kept roughly pulling, trying to break out of the cuffs or to break the pipe, her wrist started to hurt, and after thrashing about for too long, Eden noticed that her strength was missing. An annoying foreign accent, feigning friendliness, brought Eden’s attention back to the men in front of her.

“I’m guessing neither tea nor coffee.” Eden ignored him, continuing her futile efforts to break free.

“Careful not to hurt yourself, love. You’ve got more than yourself to think about now.”

“What the fuck have you done to me?”

Eden’s tone was filled with venom, angry that her powers were gone. As she spoke, she stared up to the pair, and she noticed how the lankier man was nervous in comparison to the foreign one, and she intended to take advantage of this.

“Nothing permanent, don’t worry. Just a little concoction to keep you at bay, but we aren’t going to hurt you, as long as you don’t give us a reason to.”

“Well, you’re doing a fucking fantastic job, assholes.”

As Eden sarcastically responded she raised her handcuffed hand, which were already tender. Eden now noticed that she wasn’t wearing the office clothes she remembered putting on last, but a black sweatsuit set that she had gotten cheap from Target the previous winter.

Kidnapped, stripped and drugged – what else have they done to me? Eden thought panicked.

Realizing the dire situation she was in, Eden quickly switched up her attitude, and instead of thrashing about, she pulled up her knees and placed her head on them, looking up at the two men, face flushed, letting her eyes water from the very real fear she was feeling now.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean it. Please, just let me go. I don’t know what you want, but you don’t seem like bad men. I don’t have much, but I’ll withdraw everything from my account, you can have it all, I won’t say a single word to anyone. Please, just let me go.”

Eden’s voice cracked as she finished, choking down a sob.

Eden was scared, and if there was one lesson she learned from the Supe conflict resolution course that she took for one semester in college, it’s that she needed to gain the sympathy of her kidnappers, and she needed to capitalize off of her fear to do so. Unfortunately for her, in contrast with the lankier guy, the dark-haired man in charge was not fooled by her theatrics, and clapped as he spoke.

“I can see why he fancied you, love. You are a real damsel, a lady like Vivien Leigh, and the face for it too. Sadly, we’re not in Hollywood.”

“We aren’t going to hurt you Eden, we’re really not the bad guys – ”

Eden was waiting for the smaller man to speak, and immediately turned to him, with her brown hair falling on her face.

“So please then, just let me go.” Eden pleaded directly to her target, who she stared at with rounded eyes.

“Hughie, the pamphlets.”

The dark-haired man ignored Eden’s pleas, and turned spoke to the other man with a definitive tone. Apprehensively ‘Hughie’, took a bag that was on the table next to them – Eden’s bag. The young girl’s stomach turned as she saw him rummage and pull out some familiar papers.

“Stop, who do you think you are? What right do you have to do any of this?” Eden pleaded again.

“I’m Butcher, this here is Hughie. Fabulous, we’re all introduced. Now, how about we tell you what we know about you, and you can fill in the blanks. Your birth name is Eden Michelle Reid, twenty-five years old, blood type B, Capricorn, so you’ll be turning twenty-six soon, happy early birthday.”

The man paused for a moment, as though waiting for a response, but Eden said nothing, and stared with hatred at him.

“Clever girl, got into Godolkin University despite having not very extraordinary super abilities. You were never going to be in The Seven, that’s for sure. The charts say super strength, but it’s not the strongest, at least based on your assessment reports. That’s maybe why you dropped out, and ended up living in some random city in Jersey, working as a receptionist and not making very much. But it’s an honest life, and I can respect you for that.”

Eden looked up at the man, her face frowning. The man turned back to the table, picking up a file with papers, and taking them out to show Eden as he continued speaking. The first paper showed CCTV pictures of a dressed-down Soldier Boy, driving her Mazda, its car plate number clear as day.

“… what we cannot figure out is how Soldier Boy came into the picture. You’re a woman who lives a relatively remote, no social media presence for the past five years. Your manager thinks you’re shy, your co-worker considers you a bitch, the doctors at your clinic praise you, meanwhile it feels like practically no one else knows you. So, love, how did such a lone wolf meet Soldier Boy?”

Feeling the violation of her privacy, with a clenched jaw, Eden answered.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t play dumb, love. It’s not a good look on you.”

The man then took the papers from Hughie, and dropped them onto the ground near Eden, one-by-one, pictures of Eden from the past weeks, at her workplace, arms wrapped around Felix, their last kiss, pregnancy advice pamphlets, and her results. Eden felt sick, and the only reason she wasn’t throwing up was because she had physically nothing in her stomach.

“Congratulations by the way, a miraculous conception given the IUD. This ain’t the baby shower you imagined, but desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“And we’re trying to save people.” Hughie blurted out, as though he were searching what to say, and evidently said the wrong thing, based on the look the other man gave him.

“That’s what you’re doing? Saving people by stalking, attacking, kidnapping and drugging a pregnant woman?” Eden said spitefully, chin up in defiance.

“Well, love, we won’t have to do any of that if you listen. We only need one thing from you, and then you can be on your merry way. We don’t need to harm you – in fact,” Butcher declared. “… if you promise not to hurt us, we’ll uncuff you, after you do one little thing for us.”

“You’ll remove this?” Eden suspiciously asked, eyes narrowed.

“Consider it a gesture of good faith. We can’t let you go right now, hope you understand, but if all goes well, you’ll be out of here in no time.” Butcher answered in a lighter tone, while Hughie looked at Eden with guilty, pleading eyes.

Eden weighed her options, but her current physical predicament was uncomfortable, and if she was going to be here for some time, might as well reduce the miserable-ity she has to endure. Defeatedly, she responded.

“What do you want?”

With a smile, Butcher answered, whipping out a phone from the pocket of his jeans. Eden’s phone.

“Nothing crazy. Just a little phone call to one of America’s favorite historic heroes.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Eden flawlessly lied between her teeth, but it fooled no one.

“Eden darling, here we were being honest with one another.”

“We were there when he called you …”

Hughie interrupted, going on his knees and sorting through the papers in front of Eden. If she had wanted to, Eden could have grabbed him by the hair, made him bleed, but she didn’t. Instead, she watched as he sorted through the documents and photographs, before pulling out photographs of her on the phone, on the night that Soldier Boy called her. Eden had felt eyes on her that night, and other others, but she dismissed it for paranoia. She felt like slapping herself for doing so.

“… and intercepted the call, we heard it all. Please don’t make me play the recording.” Hughie finished, with apologetic eyes

Eden felt overwhelmed and had to lean against the wall to stabilize herself. Even though it was the Butcher-man that was not as nice to her, something about Hughie made her feel vulnerable, maybe because unlike the bearded-man, Eden could tell that Hughie was good.

“But it’s not his.” Eden said meekly, as though she were trying to convince not the two other men, but herself.

“Ah, yes, Felix, the new boyfriend. See love, I don’t care if you are carrying his baby, or your little boyfriend’s, or if it’s the spawn of Satan.”

Eden ignored the bearded man, and continued, looking only at Hughie.

“Felix is going to notice I’m gone, we see each other every day, and he’s got family in the force. The clinic will notice I’m missing, I always tell them when I take a day off. Please Hughie, just let me go now and I won’t breathe a word about this to anyone.” The pleading didn’t work though, as Hughie looked to the ground, avoiding Eden’s stare.

“Do you really think we wouldn’t tie loose ends? Your boyfriend already thinks that you’re driving back home – that’s a two day drive, mind you – and we’ve texted him that you need space. You’ve also taken a sabbatical leave from work, resignation email sent last night, and your car – which is shitty by the way – is also parked elsewhere now, for safe-keeping of course. Are we missing anything?”

As Butcher finished, he seemed pleased with himself and the work that evidently his team (a larger one than just the two of them, Eden deduced) made. Eden, on the other hand, felt defeated, and meanly spoke up to him, chin tilted upwards in temerity.

“You’re just like him, you know? You and Soldier Boy.”

“We’re nothing alike, love.”

“You’re selfish and use people to get what you want. I’m surprised you guys aren’t friends.”

A knowing look flashes before Butcher’s eyes whilst Hughie’s eyes widen, and that was enough to confirm Eden’s suspicions that they all, at the very least, knew each other from before.

“Frankly, your opinions don’t matter to me, princess.” The large man paused for a moment, before coming closer to Eden, putting her phone between them.

“I’m calling now, it’ll be on speaker phone, so use your voice.” As the dark-haired man unlocked Eden’s phone and began swiping on it, Butcher quickly spoke again.

“And maybe don’t mention your boyfriend – Benny Boy’s of the jealous kind, and Felix isn’t a Supe. Understand what I’m getting at.”

Eden didn’t get an opportunity to respond, because as Butcher finished, the phone, on speaker, began to ring, and rang only once before it was answered, and a deep voice echoed through.

“Morning doll, what do I owe the pleasure.”

From the other side, Eden could hear TV noise in the background. It was silent for a heartbeat, and the tension in the room was palpable. Butcher cleared his throat, kneeling over even closer and bringing the phone nearer to Eden; the brunette nervously spoke up on impulse.

“Ben.”

“Eden, what’s wrong?”

“Ah, fantastic, you guys are on a first name basis. This hopefully makes things faster for us. Eden love, will you tell him, or should I?” Butcher didn’t give Eden much of an opportunity to decide. “Oh, I can’t keep the secret any longer ¬– Eden is pregnant, and guess who’s the daddy?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Soldier Boy’s tone drastically shifted, cold and calculated now, like how it was the night he woke up in the cabin. Eden forgot that he spoke like, and she felt like she was having an out-of-body experience, observing the moment like an audience watches a stage.

“Well, if you don’t know, then I guess Eden here probably got knocked up by someone else. My mistake, I’m only human after all. We’ll have to dispose of her though, since she’s of no use.” Butcher declared, and Eden sensed no lie in his speech.

“You’re bluffing, you guys don’t hurt innocents, not when it’s unnecessary.” Soldier Boy responded, his voice sounding like he was speaking through clenched teeth. Butcher however found delight in this and answered almost joyfully.

“But Eden here is not innocent from where I’m standing. She’s a Supe for one, and she’s also helped you, a far cry from a regular old civilian. And who knows what she gets up to in her spare time.” Successfully baited, Soldier Boy immediately reacted, threatening in his usual hostile cadence.

“Don’t fucking touch her, don’t even fucking look at her. A single fucking scratch on Eden, and I’ll make sure to painfully kill not only each and every one of you, but also your entire families. Goldilocks’ mom, I’ll skin her, and I’ll do the same to your entire crew. But your wife’s boy, my bad, your ex-wife’s boy, will be the first name on my list.”

Soldier Boy’s tone was venomous, but rather than being frightened, Eden found herself even more detached from herself, stunned completely.

“Listen here, Ben. There is no place on this Earth from Homelander two-point-O. If you do as I say though, I may just let Eden go unscathed. What do you say, granny-fucker?”

The phone was silent, and Eden thought that maybe Soldier Boy decided to hang-up and leave Butcher to do as he threatened. As Eden watched him, she realized that the lanky man, Hughie, was gone, but she hadn’t even noticed him leave.

Was it because Butcher was telling the truth, and he intended to murder her if Soldier Boy didn’t agree to his demands. The thought of dying the death she was imagining made Eden’s eyes uncontrollably water, and tears started streaming continuously as her sinuses became congested. And the dark-haired man before her noticed this immediately.

“Eden love, don’t cry. Tears aren’t good for the baby.” Butcher loudly pronounced, entirely calculated, and from the other line, Soldier Boy’s voice returned, filled with colorful swearing.

“Fuck you, bastard – are you fucking deaf? A fucking imbecile, that’s what you are. Cheer her the fuck up, and if you make her fucking upset again, I’ll shove a gun so far up your asshole that when I pull the trigger, you’ll explode like a fucking pinata.”

Butcher only rolled his eyes, before responding.

“Sure thing Benny, but you see, I don’t give a fuck. Do whatever you want, but if you don’t do as I say, then Eden here will soon be returning to her namesake, I promise you.”

Still detached, Eden thought maybe she vaguely heard Soldier Boy repeatedly swear some more, even more loudly this time. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Calm down Ben, you can have your Eden back, you just need to do one thing for me, just one job.” Butcher spoke over the ex-American hero, until he became quiet.

“All we’ve got to do, is take out congresswoman Neuman.”

“The brown bitch on TV? I’ll get it done on my own. Just fucking let Eden go.”

“It’s not that simple. She’s the head popper.”

“The head-what?”

“The head popper, the moment she sees you, it’s game over, distance doesn’t matter. She’ll burst your old wrinkly brain before you think another thought, just like how you burst your pimples as a teen, and she can do it to anyone.”

“I’d be stupid to help you then, not to mention that you stabbed me in the back.” Soldier Boy’s voice echoed through the room. Eden, still detached from herself, was staring wide-eyed at the ground.

“You think Eden’s baby will ever be safe? The baby is half you, and it’s only a matter of time before people, including Neuman, find out and target it. These people have no fucking moral qualms about killing babies, they’ve killed and ruined countless already, and babies are easier to manage than adults.”

As Butcher responded, he started to kneel over closer to Eden, and stared at her with a burning gaze.

“… and I’ll throw in a final treat. After this is over, I’ll let you kill me.” Soldier Boy laughed before responding, and his laughter bounced off the walls, a perfect manly laugh for the supposedly perfect man

“And the others?”

“Consider it a temporary truce, which ends as soon as the job is done, and our interests are no longer aligned.” The bearded-man responded, and Eden could feel his musky breath on her skin. The room is silent for a few moments, before Soldier Boy’s answer echoes in the room

“Fine. But I get Eden back, immediately.”

“I can arrange for that; we’ll be working together after all.” Butcher responded obligingly with a smirk, and Soldier Boy ignored him.

“Pass the fucking phone to Eden, right now.”

Eden was still sat speechless and hallow, staring wide-eyed at the ground, and as Butcher brought the phone closer to Eden, the only thing Soldier Boy could hear was her shallow breathing. Butcher let out a humorless chuckle before responding.

“The Mis'ess doesn’t seem to want to talk to you. Oh well, you’ll have plenty of time to catch up. Tomorrow, three pm, world's largest frying pan, North Carolina. Alone.”

Not giving Soldier Boy time to respond, Butcher hung up and threw the phone across the room, shattering it into fragmented bits, before stepping closer to Eden and unlocking the cuffs. Eden was vacant as this happened though, and as soon as her hand was free, it dropped to the side.

“Sorry ‘bout the phone, love. We’ll get you a replacement.” Eden didn’t respond, and Butcher let out an exasperated sigh.

“There’s breakfast and a magazine on the table, and you can rest on the sofa. When you need the loo, give a shout. There’s someone outside.”

Eden still stared at the ground, and despite Butcher’s cold-heartedness, he still felt pity for her, and leaned down, hoping she’d turn to face him.

“Chin up, mama. You’ve gotta stay strong and look after yourself, because there’s two of you now.”

Eden still sat motionless, and giving up, Butcher walked out the room, picking the fragments of the broken phone on his way out.

Author's Note: I've got a busy week ahead of me, so please bare with me if the next update takes some time

– Chapter 5 (WIP)

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Darkness Declares Glory | Chapter 14 | S.R

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

A/N - this fic deals with some very dark themes such as drug use, self-harm and suicidal ideation. Please proceed with caution and Minors DNI. There is a reader insert but it is very Spencer-centric.

Chapter Summary - Spencer makes a decision regarding Cat. But before he has a chance to follow through he makes a startling realisation that could very well be his undoing.

Pairing - Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader

Category - dark angst | smut | eventual happy ending.

Warnings - mentions of Cat Adam’s, talk of death penalty, therapy, brief mention of masturbation, swearing.

WC - 4.7k

Chapter 14 - Sympathy for the Devil

Another few days passed and there was still no sign of you. Either this really was all in his head or you were avoiding him. But honestly, Spencer didn’t have any free brain capacity to think about it. 

His every waking thought revolved around Cat Adam’s and her death sentence and whether or not he had the strength to see her one last time. He wrote about it extensively in his journal, hoping getting it out of his head and onto paper would help him make sense of it all, but it didn’t. 

If I see her then I’m basically admitting defeat, I’m playing my hand and letting her have a front row seat to the destruction she’s caused. There’s no hiding what I am. I can put on a smart suit and wear my best poker face but she’ll see right through me. 

Cat always does. 

She’ll see it in my eyes, the way she’s broken me beyond repair. She’ll be able to tell the full extent of the damage she’s done to me and I don’t want her to have the satisfaction. 

But on the other hand, I’m still alive. I may be barely hanging on by a thread but I am alive. And she’ll be dead soon and a part of me wants her to see that she didn’t ruin me completely.

Just mostly. 

One thing I do know absolutely is that this is the most I’ve wanted to relapse in weeks. I would kill a man right now for one more hit, one more shot of dilaudid. 

I would wrap my hand around someone’s throat, squeezing until their pulse became thready beneath my fingers and watch as the life drained from their eyes. All for one more release. 

That fucking bitch shattered me into so many pieces that I’m not sure I’ll ever be whole again. Yet I’m still thinking about seeing her because for whatever reason, I feel bound to her. 

She wasn’t wrong when she said we were the same, prison showed me that I am more like her than I could have ever dreamed. When I hurt those men, when I poisoned the drug supply, I became bound to her in ways I never believed possible. 

Maybe because she’s the only one who would understand. She’s the only person who could identify with the fact I liked hurting those men. And somehow that enslaved us. It bonded us in ways deeper than if her baby had been mine. 

Don’t get me wrong, I hate her more than I ever thought it possible to hate another human being. I would have killed her with my bare hands if JJ hadn’t stopped me and I would have slept well. But her dying doesn’t change anything. Her dying doesn’t suddenly make me a better person. It won’t change the fact I was in prison, it won’t change the fact I am a drug addict. 

Her death won’t make my life better or worse. The damage is already done, there’s no way to change that. But at least if she’s dead she might stop haunting my every dream, worming her way into every facet of my life. 

Still, the question remains: am I strong enough to see her one last time before she’s put to death? 

Maggie glanced up from the journal in her lap to Spencer who was fiddling with his sleeves and chewing on the inside of his cheek. He’d barely spoken in their sessions for days and he still didn’t want to talk about Cat, but reading his journal would help her get an insight. 

“Who is Cat?” She asked placing her hands on the pages as if to absorb more information. 

“She’s the reason I went to prison. She was a hitwoman. I outsmarted and arrested her so in return she had me arrested.” Spencer didn’t look at her. 

“You know I have more questions, right?”

“I assumed as much. Go ahead.” He grazed his slowly growing nails over the back of his hand, able to scratch himself lightly now. 

“You wrote about poisoning a drug supply and hurting people? What happened?” Her fingers drummed lightly on the page. 

“I was being threatened in prison. If I didn’t help them move these drugs they would have killed me. I needed to buy myself some time. A lot of men ended up really sick, and I didn’t feel bad for it.” He scuffed his shoe on the carpet, watching the way his foot moved back and forth.

“I imagine it was dog eat dog. You had to look out for yourself.” 

Spencer suddenly looked up at her, an almost dangerous look in his eyes. 

“You don’t understand.” He frowned. “I wanted to kill those men. And not just for self preservation. I wanted them dead because I wanted to see how it would feel. I only felt bad that they didn’t die.” 

He saw Maggie swallow before she tore her eyes off of him and looked back at his journal. 

“And you mentioned a baby?” She changed the subject. “A baby that wasn’t yours but it could have been?” 

“We never had sex.” He was quick to say. “She uh…she claimed to have me sexually assaulted by her partner but I never believed that was true.” 

“Burying your head in the sand?” Maggie narrowed her eyes on him. 

“No. The science doesn’t add up. The drugs she used to make me hallucinate flood the brain with serotonin. Its effects are similar to MDMA in that it’s nearly impossible to…uh…” he averted his gaze as his cheeks started to burn. “It’s difficult to get an erection.” 

“I see.” Maggie was, as usual, unphased. “So this woman had you arrested and then pretended to be pregnant with your child. It all sounds like a power play.”

“Oh it is. Everything is a game to her. And I’m her pawn.” 

“Why are you showing me this?” Maggie closed the journal and focused on him. 

He thought it was fairly obvious. 

“I need you to tell me what to do. She’s being executed in two weeks and I need to know if I should see her or not.” He continued scratching at the back of his hand. It wasn’t anywhere near as satisfying as when his nails were longer but it helped.

“I can’t tell you what to do, Spencer. That’s a decision you need to make on your own. You say you’re already struggling with your sobriety just thinking about her?”

“Yes.” He grinded his teeth. “Very much so.”

“Well then seeing her will only make that worse, surely?” She raised an eyebrow at him. 

“But if I don’t see her, she’ll think she’s won. I can’t have her going to her grave thinking she beat me.” 

“So maybe you should see her.” 

“You’re no help.” He growled. 

“I told you, I can’t make this decision for you. Only you can decide if you’re strong enough to handle seeing her.” She sat back in her chair and crossed her legs. 

“I don’t think I am.” Spencer huffed. “But I won’t ever get another chance.” 

“Think about it. You don’t need to make any rash decisions.” 

But Spencer was the king of rash decisions. And so no sooner was he done with his therapy session he found himself at the bank of phones patients were allowed to use, dialling a familiar number. Luke answered on the second ring. 

“Luke Alvez.” 

“Hi, it’s me. Spencer.” Spencer leant against the wall, cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder. 

“Hey, is everything ok?” Luke sounded concerned. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” He took a breath and closed his eyes. “I want to do it.” 

“To do it?” Luke’s frown could be heard down the phone. 

“Yes. I want to see Cat before she’s executed.” Even as the words left his lips he wasn’t sure about them. 

But he didn’t think he’d ever be sure. He could sit and think about it until he was blue in the face but he’d never be sure what to do either way. He’d regret seeing her and he’d regret not seeing her. 

It was a catch twenty-two with no possible good outcome. So ultimately he just had to go with his gut. And his gut told him he needed to see her one last time. Saying it out loud made him instantly wish he had a needle of dilaudid waiting for him. 

“You…seriously?” Luke swallowed.

“Yes. I need to prove to her she didn’t break me. I need her to see I’m still standing.” Barely, but I am. 

“Ok. If you’re sure.” 

He wasn’t sure, not in the slightest. But he was doing it regardless. 

“Will you go with me?” Spencer suddenly sounded small and scared. 

“Of course I will. We’re away on a case right now but we can do it as soon as I’m back.” 

“Thanks Luke. And uh…don’t tell the others. They won’t understand.” Spencer opened his eyes and pushed himself away from the wall. 

“I promise. Talk to you soon.” 

“Bye.” Spencer hung up the phone, his hand shaking as he did so. 

No good could come of him seeing Cat again. He just hoped it wasn’t the final nail in his coffin. 

***

Spencer quite often found himself feeling as though he was drowning. Most of the time he barely kept himself afloat, sinking in a pool of his own misery. But actually drowning was a whole other thing. 

“Keep kicking! Come on, you can do it!” Nick cheered him on while Spencer frantically waved his arms and tried to keep himself above water.

Now his walking was getting better Nick had suggested swimming to build up his strength. Spencer had never been a fantastic swimmer, but he was ok. He could at the very least stay adrift. 

But with his injury, drowning seemed inevitable. 

“Kick! Come on Spencer. You’re almost there!” 

Spencer flailed his arms hoping he could reach the other side without using his legs too much but it only made his lower half sink and when his lower half sank he started to panic. 

His t-shirt clung to his body, the water sodden fabric making him feel heavier. Nick had tried to get him to remove it but Spencer refused. It was bad enough not having trousers and his sweater on. 

He needed to regroup. He needed just a second to fail before he could continue. He stilled his movements and let the water encompass him, rising over his head until he was completely submerged. 

He told himself he could do this. It was only a few more metres and then he was done. He wasn’t giving up, no matter how much it hurt. He pushed himself back to the surface and inhaled deeply before forcing his legs to kick in time with his arm movements. 

He blocked everything else out that didn’t strictly relate to kicking his legs. The side of the pool was getting closer and the burn spread down his thigh but it was a good kind of pain. It was the kind of pain that told him he was achieving something, he would make it to the other side both physically and mentally. 

“Come on Spencer! You can do it!” A voice goaded him but it didn’t belong to Nick this time. 

He frowned to himself as he pushed himself the last few feet and grasped the wall for dear life. When he wiped the water out of his eyes and the hair back off his face he looked up. You sat on the edge of the pool right in front of him, legs crossed and a proud smile on your face. 

“You did it!” You cheered as Spencer just stared at you dumbly. 

Soon Nick was by your side, helping Spencer out of the pool. 

“That was great!” Nick grinned, helping Spencer sit up as he caught his breath. 

He blinked a few times, briefly wondering what it was about Nick he’d thought so similar to Morgan. Sure they looked kinda alike, but not enough for Spencer to have made that connection. He shook his head and looked between you and Nick. 

“Uh…you can see her right?” He frowned as he focused on Nick. 

“Is that a trick question?” Nick asked in confusion. 

“He thinks he’s imagining me.” You spoke with an amused smile. “Tell him he’s not crazy.” 

“You’re not crazy.” Nick chuckled, squeezing Spencer’s shoulder. “I’ll leave you two to it.” 

His parting gift was to toss a towel at Spencer which he wrapped around his shoulders and obscured himself with. You kicked off your shoes and rolled your jeans up to your calves before dipping your feet in the water. 

“So, are you going to stop doubting yourself now?” You smiled while Spencer continued to stare at you. 

“Never.” He scoffed, with a roll of his eyes which made you giggle. “I wish it were that simple.” 

You stopped giggling at the change in his tone and narrowed your eyes on him. He hugged the towel close to him as though it was a security blanket. His wet hair fell on his forehead and small beads of water rolled down his face. His eyes were full of nerves the way they always seemed to be around you. 

“The paranoia that comes with heavy drug use takes a while to kick.” You shuffled a little closer to him and you practically saw the beat his heart skipped. 

“The thing is,” he chewed on his lip. “I don’t want you to be real.” 

“Uh…wow thanks.” Your eyebrows knitted together.

“I don’t mean it how it sounds.” He was quick to counter. “It’s just…if you’re real…you’re not who I thought you were.” 

You mused over his words for a moment knowing he wasn’t about to say anymore on the matter. 

“You’re very cryptic sometimes, you know that?” Your lip up tugged at the corner. 

“It’s all part of my mysterious charm.” He chuckled lightly. 

You couldn’t agree more. There was something about him. Something you couldn’t put your finger on. Something that made you want to succumb to him, let him consume you. 

You shuffled even closer and leant forward, placing your hands on his wet thighs. You saw his breath catch in his throat as you edged closer to him. Goosebumps flared on his flesh as you ghosted your fingertips over his skin. 

He let go of the towel and his hands settled onto your waist but his eyes never left yours. You moved closer still, until your noses were brushing against one another’s. 

He swallowed hard, completely engulfed in you. He could see every little freckle, every little blemish that graced your beautiful face and he tried to memorise every single one of them. He could feel the heat emanating from you and it wrapped around him, comforting him in ways he’d never felt before. 

Your eyes fell to his lips and he instinctively ran his tongue along them. Your hands moved up his sides and your arms wrapped around his neck. He wanted to get lost in you. He wanted to throw caution to the wind and let you devour him. He wanted to belong to you again in the ways he’d missed so much. 

Even if you weren’t real. Even if none of this was real. It was even more reason to take the plunge wasn’t it? But for some reason he couldn’t. He let his hands drop to his sides and his back straightened a little but you stayed close, clearly not sensing his hesitation. 

“W-what are you doing?” He whispered, his breath fanning across your face. 

“I don’t know.” You giggled lightly. 

“You said…recovery. Your recovery comes first.” His breathing was heightened and he could so easily crash his lips against yours. 

But he didn’t. Instead, he surprised you both when he sat back and shuffled away. 

“It does.” You frowned. “But I…well now I just feel stupid.” 

Spencer sighed and wrapped the towel around himself again. 

“I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid. I just…you have no idea how badly I want to kiss you, Y/N. But you and I both know it’s not a good idea. Not like this.” 

You chewed on your bottom lip and nodded  although you weren’t sure you agreed. 

“I’m scared too.” You blurted out, averting your gaze. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You said you were scared that this isn’t real, but I’m scared that it is.” You glanced back at him and he saw the tears behind your eyes. “In my experience fantasies last. Realities don’t.” 

“Agreed.” He gave you a tight lip smile. “Maybe it’s better we just keep the fantasy a little while longer then.” 

You nodded before pushing yourself up to your feet and then helped Spencer stand too. The sparks you felt when you took hold of his hands was undeniable, and judging by the way he looked at you, he felt them too. 

You stayed in silence as you walked back towards your rooms but it was a heavy, palpable kind of silence. When you reached Spencer’s room you stopped and smiled softly at him. 

“So do I get to see you flail about like a dying fish again tomorrow?” You teased him but Spencer didn’t seem in the least bit amused. 

His back straightened and he tugged the towel tighter around his body. 

“Uh…I’ve actually got a thing tomorrow.” 

“A thing?” You frowned a little. 

“Day release.” He sighed as he spoke. 

“You got some big fancy plans?” You chuckled but he shook his head sadly. 

“No.” He ran his fingers through his wet hair. “I need to visit someone.” 

“Someone? Someone important?” 

“I wouldn’t say that.” He sighed again, louder than before. “I’m visiting a prison inmate before their execution. I’m visiting the woman who ruined my life.” 

You didn’t know what to say to that. Clearly he didn’t want to elaborate and it wasn’t your place to make him. 

“Right. Ok.” You nodded, not wanting to pry. 

“It’s a really long and messy story I don’t want to get into right now.” 

“Fair enough.” You smiled a little as you stepped backwards. “I hope it goes…well? Not really sure what to say.” 

“Me too.” He half-smiled, reaching for his door handle. “I’ll see you soon?”

“You surely will.” You smiled one last time before turning on your heels and continuing down the corridor. 

Spencer heaved a sigh as he let himself into his room and collapsed on his bed. Tomorrow was going to be his hardest challenge yet. Coming face to face with Cat again would either make or break his recovery. 

Although he already had a pretty good idea which one it would be. 

***

He was silent for the entire car ride from PIW to Mount Pleasant. Luke tried making small talk but after getting nothing in return he gave up. 

Luke had brought him a suit from his apartment along with a white shirt and red tie. It had been weeks since Spencer had dressed so well and admittedly he missed his comfy clothes he’d grown so accustomed to. The shirt felt scratchy against his still healing wounds. The tie felt like a noose around his neck. 

He stared out the car window and scratched the back of his palm willing his nails to grow so he could pick at his skin. His chest was tight as though someone were sitting on it, like the weight of the situation was physical and pressing down on him. 

He came close to several panic attacks, only just managing to pull himself back from the brink in time. Diverting from his scratching his fingers nimbly shimmied up his shirt sleeve and gripped the crook of his arm. The track marks had all but faded by now but he could feel the heavy pulse of his vein beneath his fingertips.

He pressed against it, wishing more than anything else that it was a needle and not his fingers. He squeezed against his vein in the hopes it would alleviate some of his cravings. 

Maggie would tell him to masturbate. But even if he weren’t in a car with Luke in a completely inappropriate environment, he was sure his thoughts of his impending meeting would not allow for him to get it up. Instead he pressed harder against his vein, closing his eyes and imagining the dilaudid coursing its way through his body. 

He envisioned the feeling of euphoria that flooded over him when he shot up. He remembered the sensation so well.With his eyes closed he didn’t realise Luke was watching him out of the corner of his eye. And when he felt a hand on his leg he jumped and his eyes darted open. 

“We can still turn back. If this is too much for you?” Luke spoke softly. 

Spencer recoiled his hand back out of his sleeve and shook his head. He had to do this. There was no turning back. 

***

A shiver passed down Spencer’s spine as they stepped inside the women's correctional facility. His temperature plummeted the second the doors were closed behind them. He glanced at Luke who didn’t seem to notice, telling Spencer it was all in his head. Most things these days were, why should this be any different? 

They were checked in and scanned by a metal detector where Luke had to hand over his service weapon and cell phone. Spencer remembered it well. He recalled coming here that day he was released from Milburn as though it was yesterday. 

He recognised the long, dimly lit halls as they followed the guard to an interrogation room. The air was as thick and heavy as it had been the last time he was here. The last time he was here when Cat made him believe she was pregnant with his child. The last time when she’d made him think she’d had his mother killed. 

The last time when he’d thrown a table across the room and shoved Cat against a wall by her throat. The last time when he’d growled at her that he was going to kill her while JJ tried to pull him off of her. 

The guard silently led them to the small viewing room where Luke was supposed to wait while Spencer came face to face with the devil. The guard left them alone and Spencer kept his eyes trained on the floor, refusing to look at her through the two way glass. Luke was at his side and he soon felt the other man’s hand on his shoulder. 

“It’s ok, I’ll be right here the whole time.” Luke whispered but Spencer shook his head. 

“I need you to leave.” Spencer croaked out the first words he’d spoken since leaving the institute. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

“Well I don’t very much care what you think, Luke.” Spencer looked at him, eyes filled with anger. “I need you to leave. Go get a coffee or something but I do not want you witnessing this.”

“Witnessing what, exactly?” Luke raised an eyebrow at him. “You going to finish the job you started last time? Choke her to death?” 

“I don’t need to, do I? She’s going to be put to death soon. I just need you to trust me and I need you to leave. Please?” Spencer grinded his teeth. 

A small part of Luke worried what might happen if he left. A tiny piece of him actually believed Spencer might kill her. And as much as Luke wouldn’t blame him for doing so, he didn’t want his friend going back to prison. Spencer couldn’t handle prison again. 

“Promise me you won’t murder her?” 

“I promise.” Spencer rolled his eyes. 

“Fine. Come find me when you’re done.” Luke patted his back before skeptically leaving the room. 

Once alone, Spencer took several deep breaths whilst rolling the purple and gold bracelet around his wrist. He kept his eyes trained on the floor the whole while, scared that he might break the second he saw her. 

His heart beat furiously against his chest making him feel a little nauseous. His vein in his left arm felt like it was pulsating, begging for drugs. He was five weeks sober. This would not be the thing that pushed him over the edge. She couldn’t turn his life upside down again. He had to be stronger. He had to survive this. He had to prove to her that she hadn’t destroyed his life. 

Taking one last deep breath he forced his eyes up and through the glass. The breath got caught in his chest as he laid eyes on her for the first time in over two years. She looked much the same, haggard and tired; fed up and frustrated. 

She crossed one leg over the other and picked at a thread on her orange jumpsuit much like he did when he was uncomfortable. He gave a thought to what might have happened to her baby, the baby that wasn’t his but he had wished was. 

“You’re not pregnant with my baby. That isn’t the secret. It’s too easy.” He slid the chair back out and sat down opposite her again. 

“You think getting pregnant with your baby was easy?” She clicked her tongue. 

“It’s not my baby.” He shook his head, leaning forward on the table closer to her. “But I wish it were. It should be mine. Because the truth is you and I probably belong together.” 

A sentimental smile plastered across her face but he knew it wasn’t genuine. Sociopaths didn’t feel sentiment. 

“You think so?” 

He leaned even closer to her, not wanting JJ to overhear what he was going to say and hardly believing what he was saying himself. 

“I do.” He confessed. “You’re the only person who really gets me. You’re the only person who understands that I liked hurting those men. So yes, I think you and I belong together. In some fucked up, twisted way, you and I are perfect for each other. 

And I wish your baby was mine but it isn’t. I wish it were mine so I had something tying us together. And that fucking terrifies me to admit because for the most part, I hate you. For the most part I want you dead. But there is a small part of me that truly believes we are perfect for each other.” 

He sat back, straightening his tie while Cat looked at him amusement. 

“You’ll always be tied to me, Spencie. Baby or no baby. We’re bound to each other. We’re the same.” 

He rubbed his eyes with his palms trying to rid himself of the memory of the last time he’d seen her. It didn’t do him any good to dwell on that now. 

Only he couldn’t help himself. 

Had he been thinking of you when he’d said those things to her? As much he wanted to deny it, he’d meant those things he’d said. 

But what about you? You were who he belonged with. How could he have said those things to Cat and meant them while you were…

…while you were, what? 

It all hit Spencer at lightning speed. The puzzle pieces that were his life started slotting into place right in front of his eyes. Everything became clear with startling clarity and suddenly Cat Adam’s was the last thing on his mind. 

He quickly darted from the room, heart racing more fiercely than it ever had before. It all made sense yet nothing made sense. And there was only one goddamn person who was going to be able to provide clarity on the situation. 

He was hyperventilating by the time he found Luke, sweating and shaking and barely able to breath. Luke was quick to his side, wrapping an arm around him and stroking his back.

“Reid, what’s wrong? What happened?” Luke panicked, eyes wide in fear. 

“Need…need to…” Spencer choked out through ragged breaths. 

“Just breath, Spencer. Don’t try and talk.” Luke tried to calm him but Spencer pushed him away. 

“No.” He shook his head, forcing himself to focus on his words. “I need to speak to Emily right now. You get her here Luke. Get her here right fucking now!” 

“Spencer, calm down. Take deep breaths.”

“No!” Spencer raised his voice. “Call Emily and tell her to come here. NOW!”

“Spencer, what’s going on? What happened?” Luke reached for him but Spencer batted him away. 

“It’s time Emily and I had a talk.” He panted. “It’s time for her to tell me the truth about Y/N.”

@andiebeaword @muffin-cup @dirtytissuebox @dreatine @matthew-gray-gubler-lover @people-whatabunchofbastards @justreadingficsdontmindme @spencer-reid-wonderland @thebloomingeagle @tiredmilky @thatsonezesty13 @1mechanicalalligator @elle-28

[qpenpals]

First of all, support Shubble and support all victims (which is a statement that while said a lot, seems not be followed as frequently, however i hope those who read this abide by it)

Second, I don’t support wilbur soot/william gold, and I don’t think that anyone should after this.

Third, while this situation is not about me, i have feelings and opinions about it that i would like to share, but even if you don’t read anymore,

Please watch shelby’s vod, and maybe try checking her content out, because while i don’t frequently watch her, i enjoy her streams and maybe you will too! her new hardcore series sounds great :)

This is quite long, but honestly this is kind of just for me to collect my thoughts, however if you read to the end thank you<3 im touched :)

ALSO ABUSE TRIGGER WARNING

Alright, so I have loved wilbur soot’s content for a very long time, 4 years or so. I watched the streams and listened to his music from the start. His content is entwined with many of my fond memories.

Earlier today, I had a breakdown over this whole situation, because, as I’ve been quite busy with school, my job, and other assorted things in my life, I found out about this morning. I had woken from a nightmare about my previous abuser. Who i will be talking about a lot more of as they really impacted my views on this situation.

However this nightmare had left me in a fragile mood, my girlfriend was still sleeping and i didn’t want to wake her, so to comfort myself i went to read one of my bookmarked fanfictions, this fanfiction, while i dont remember the title is one that i’ve found comforting for a very long time, so much so that when im stressed my partner has it saved to send to me so i can calm down.

It was a fanfiction about quackity and tubbo, wilbur soot was mentioned maybe 5 times, and the author had deleted it.

This caused me to try and find out why, so i went to their page and they had posted a temporary fic explaining what had been going on.

My first reaction had been disbelief, I then went to research everything. It was a lot to process.

I watched shelby’s vod. Before this i had mainly been disconnected from what i had seen, taking it it but not with any of my own feelings or thoughts really, just processing.

Shelby’s situation hits really hard for me because a lot of it mirrors my own abusive relationship of a few years ago. The wording Wilbur used against her, sounds like what my old partner would use against me. His actions, such as her having to clean and taking care of food, and amenities, were things i had to experience.

Abuse TW:

My old partner would physically abuse me through biting as well, he would claim that he just liked knowing i was his, and yet, like shubble, if i ever used our safe word, which happened so fucking often, he either wouldn’t listen, bite down harder on my neck, or fucking smile at me before letting go.

This got to the point that multiple times he had drawn blood from my neck, that i still have scars from today. And as i watch Shubble talk about her story which is ever so close to mine, I wonder that if I had watched this before, maybe i wouldn’t have stayed in that relationship.

I proceeded to stay in this relationship for 2 years before i realized how much harm he was doing to me, because i truly believed he loved me, because of all the lovebombing he would do.

End of Abuse TW:

And yet i felt pain aside from sympathy or memories, when learning of this, as the content Wilbur had put out had actually helped me out of this relationship, his music was pretty much all i listened to the months of healing after i got out and it helped, the art is good, and yet the author is one i cannot respect nor support in anyway now that i am aware.

i’d suggest watching this tiktok by @lasmanburg that really explains my thoughts and feelings on this

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTL1tb5Wg/

Right back to the content. I don’t believe that we should throw it all away, i don’t think that people should be deleting their art, fanfiction, or anything based on Wilbur. Because in the end it’s all art that we have created and interpreted and though the man who inspired it is horrible, all that has been made does not reflect his actions, but instead love and creativity from vast multifaceted community.

One can continue their writing and work because they are the ones creating it, not him, and besides most interpretations of him stray quite far from the source anyways

I think that one can continue to engage in his content as long as one does not directly support him, such as pirating his music, but personally at least right now listening to his music which brought me so much comfort-makes me feel sick. So think i’ll be taking a step back.

I don’t really know how to end this, i just needed to get my thoughts out honestly. I have therapy in an hour. I hope all of you who’ve made it to the end have a wonderful day and drink some water. I wish shelby well, and i’m glad she has been able to share this situation. And with that, I must now leave :)

[abiiors]

Helpful

Yeah, I don't even know what to say about this one except that I need a freezing cold shower.

warnings - MINORS DNI!!! Pure filth, female reader, typos because there is no way I'm reading this again.

wc - 2.5k

‘What’s up with you?’ Ross’s distant voice brings you out of your daze. 

You blink a couple times, peeling your eyes away from a spot on the wall you’ve been staring at. His eyebrows are furrowed as he stares at you in confusion, more specifically, as he stares at your hands on the desk. You follow his gaze and wince when your eyes land on what he’s looking at. 

Your knuckles have turned white from clutching the pen in a death grip, the notepad undeath it has several angry, black lines on it—gashes more like. The top page has already been stabbed through and the damage is at least three pages deep. 

Wow.

‘What’s up,’ he repeats, body fully turned toward you as his bass sits idly on his lap. 

Everything is hot and uncomfortable. The leather of the chair sticks to your thighs, you’re hyper-aware of the way your sweater chafes against your nipples, you constantly feel on edge and worst of all, you know the reason behind it too. But there’s nothing you can do to take care of the situation right now. At least, not for another six to seven hours. And there’s no way you can explain all of this to him. 

‘It’s too warm,’ you shrug and he raises an eyebrow before pointedly staring out the window where the world has turned white. 

‘In the middle of January?’ 

‘Yes, Ross,’ you grit out, ‘now can I get back to work, please?’

But of course, it wouldn’t be Ross if he gave up so easily. ‘No, you’re lying to me,’ he points out, ‘come on, something’s up.’

You grind your jaw lightly, roll your neck as you wonder how best to tell him. You’re not shy around each other, you’ve never been particularly shy around each other. But you do work with him—even if it’s on a freelance basis. One thing is very clear, however. Now that he has sensed something, he’s not going to give up easily. 

‘I, uh…it’s not exactly work appropriate?’ you hedge but he only rolls his eyes. 

‘Come on, I’m a grown man and you’ve told me way worse things before.’

That much is true. You have discussed several topics at length before—topics that include but are not limited to kinks, sexual history, preferences, the works. But this is something you haven’t talked about before. Your hesitation only piques his interest; enough that he finally sets the bass aside and leans back onto his chair. You feel small tingles at the way he sits—arms behind his head that makes his t-shirt stretch over his biceps, chin tilted up slightly in a scrutinising manner, long legs spread wide enough for someone to kneel betw—

No. Stop!

‘This is interesting,’ he mumbles as a smirk forms on his face. ‘Seems like last night wasn’t…good enough?’

Of course, he would know about last night too. You did put up drunken Instagram stories featuring some random man you met at the bar. It wouldn’t take him much to put two and two together. 

‘Let’s just say,’ your nails dig into your palm and you think of a delicate way to say this, ‘let’s just say he was quite…self-centred.’

Ross winces in sympathy but the curious expression remains. ‘Then why didn’t you, for the lack of a better term, take matters into your own hands?’

And that’s the fucking problem. The root cause of all this frustration. A flush creeps up your neck as you struggle to maintain eye contact with him. ‘I did.’

‘What was that?’ he quips.

‘I did!’ you repeat louder, already feeling the mortification burning through you, making you flustered. It makes you want to say something, anything, to fill in the awkward silence. And that’s how you end up speaking more than you should have. ‘The wand…broke’

The moment of silence stretches on to infinity before Ross’s face splits into a wide grin and he breaks out into a fit of frankly juvenile giggles. He takes big, gasping breaths to calm himself down, bites his lip to stop himself but nothing works. Nothing works until you snap your laptop shut and get up to leave. 

‘Hey, hey, hey,’ he’s up in an instant and hurrying toward you. Seconds later, his fingers are lightly clasped around your wrists. ‘Sorry, I’m sorry.’

You roll your eyes in exasperation but don’t shake his hand away until you look at his eyes. It’s his thinking face, his eyes glint with the beginnings of a new idea and something tells you this is going to be a bad idea…

‘Let me help you,’ he breathes. 

Taken aback would be an understatement. Frankly what you feel at this moment is flabbergasted!

‘What?’ you ask, screech really, but he simply shrugs. 

‘I said, let me help you.’

Gone is the immature laughter from a few seconds ago. Now his eyes scan you with renewed interest as he fixates on where he’s holding your wrist. Right over your pulse point. Right as your heartbeat becomes erratic. 

You can’t lie, Ross looks good, really good. And if you’re being truly honest, his face has flashed in front of you once or twice (or thrice or more) when you’ve used the now useless wand in the past. You can’t deny the way you’ve stared at his fingers every time he’s played in front of you, the way you’ve stared at his large hands every time he’s been anywhere near you. 

The timing couldn’t be any more perfect than this. The guys aren’t supposed to be in until after lunch and it’s barely 10 am. The only people in the studio are you and Ross, maybe a tech here or there but no one who would barge in without knocking. 

And then there is the way Ross’s gaze has shifted from interest to something darker, to something barely concealed. 

‘You want to help me?’

‘Only if you want that too,’ he shrugs. And oh, you want it. You really, really want it. Still…this is not a decision you should be making lightly.

Wetness pools between your legs at the thought of him being there. This whole morning has been the worst kind of edging and now you are just desperate for a release, desperate for anything that you can get. 

So you take a deep breath and take a step closer to him. ‘I want that.’

You couldn’t have picked a better place for a semi-public and borderline scandalous hook-up, honestly. The studio is soundproof, the locks bolted shut and the sofa is made for comfort. They have all spent late nights here countless times. And now as Ross pulls you toward it, you wonder why you haven’t done any of this sooner. 

The single soft kiss has long since stopped being soft. You gasp loudly as he bites your lower lip and presses his knee between your parted legs. Your back arches from the slight touch, tits pushed almost into his face as his tongue runs over the spot he’s just bitten. 

‘Fuck–I need you to touch me,’ you whimper into his mouth, ‘please–shit!’

‘But I’ve only just started,’ he pouts and goes back to kissing your jaw. His hands wander roughly over your stomach, over your hips but the only thing it does is drive you even crazier. 

‘I love foreplay,’ you pant, ‘I really do but I need you right now.’ 

There’s no way he doesn’t hear the desperation in your voice. There’s no way he doesn’t know how dire the situation is and it very clearly strokes his ego. 

‘Mmm, so impatient,’ he smirks but his hands are already fumbling with the buttons of your jeans. You lift up your hips, granting him as much access as possible. Your thigh presses up against his hardness making him groan. 

‘Tell me how much you want me,’ he grunts as his mouth moves lower. Your t-shirt is pushed up and over your bra and his kisses turn feverish as he trails over your stomach. ‘Tell me,’ he speaks again, rougher this time. 

This is payment, you realise. If he is going to make you feel good then you have to make him feel good in return. 

‘Ross–fuck,’ you moan as he takes off your jeans in one fluid motion and chucks it to one corner of the room. ‘Please,’ you whine shamelessly, ‘I can’t wait anymore.’

He hooks one finger in the band of your panties and slides it down mercilessly slow. ‘God,’ he breathes in a strained voice, ‘fuck, I’ve wanted to have you for so long.’

The sight of him leaning between your legs and looking at you hungrily is enough to drive you insane but the words? They take your desire to a whole new level. Tears of frustration well up and you feel no shame in what you’re about to do. You simply let your thighs drape over his shoulders and pull him closer. 

The first contact of his tongue sends a jolt of lightning through your veins. Your blood turns to lava as your gasp echoes around the room and you already know you aren’t going to last very long. 

He licks a broad strip, paying special attention to your clit when he gets there. Every time his beard grazes your sensitive skin, you feel the knot in your stomach tightening more and more. His big hands come to rest on your thighs, fingers gripping tightly at the same time yours tangle in his hair. 

‘Fu–fuck, you’re so good at this,’ you gasp out when his teeth graze against you. And it’s not a hollow compliment either; his mouth truly does feel divine between your legs. Much better than any vibrator or any other person has ever felt. ‘So good to me,’ you moan. 

You are instantly rewarded with a deep hum that shoots straight through your bloodstream and makes your head spin. 

‘That’s it, my pretty girl,’ he whispers hoarsely and the knot tightens and tightens some more, ‘let me taste you on my tongue.’

There’s a moment of complete and utter insanity before the knot finally snaps and waves of pleasure come crashing down on you. Time loses all meaning as you chant his name over and over again, as he licks up every last drop of your orgasm before your hold around his head slips and your thighs slip away from his shoulders. 

‘Fucking hell!’ he curses in between your ragged breaths, ‘you’re so beautiful. So fucking sexy.’ 

His hand creeps up to his crotch, palming himself through his jeans as you realise that he also needs his release. It also hasn’t gone unnoticed how Ross has yet to lose any item of clothing and you're in front of him barely even wearing your top. 

‘Do you have a condom on you?’ you ask as soon as you trust your voice a bit more. 

Even through your haze, you watch him raise an eyebrow cockily. ‘Insatiable,’ he grins and then promptly takes his wallet out. 

Of course, Ross would have a condom on him everywhere he goes. You want to roll your eyes but he’s already pulling out a small silver square and all other thoughts evaporate away at the anticipation of what’s about to come. 

Your fingers start working on his jeans as he does quick work of taking his t-shirt off. Your throat suddenly goes dry at the sight of him—shirtless and hair messy, mouth wet from previous activities, pupils blown out wide. A silver chain rests around his neck, ending right at the base of his throat—and suddenly you can’t wait any longer as the heat returns. 

‘You’re so hot,’ you blurt out, letting your eyes hungrily roam over every inch of skin you can see. 

A drop-dead gorgeous smirk blooms over his face and you realise too late how he’s never going to let you live this down. ‘What was that?’ he taunts, ‘couldn’t hear you the first time.’ 

‘You heard me,’ you hook a finger in his chain and tug him closer, ‘now come here and fuck me like you’ve been wanting to.’

A single strand of hair comes to rest on his forehead as he closes his eyes briefly. His Adam’s Apple bobs slightly from an audible swallow—clearly an effect of your words. So he wastes no time in taking off his jeans and boxers. 

Your eyes widen and your jaw drops slightly because oh my god, he’s big. Bigger than you’ve imagined. And you have done some serious imagining. You’re honestly sure your eyes gloss over a little as you feel yourself pulsating with need all over. 

You watch in fascination as he puts the condom on and gives himself a few pumps. Then he lines himself with your entrance and nudges it once. Twice. Each little contact feels like fireworks being lit under your skin, crackling and hot. But all your thoughts instantly zero in when he pushes his tip in, slow and tortuous at first and then slams in all at once, stretching you out deliciously once he bottoms out. 

Your eyes roll back in pleasure as his heavy grown echoes around the room. ‘You feel—’ he pants, trying to get his breathing under control, ‘fuck, you feel heavenly.’

He pulls out, almost until the very last moment and then slams in again, and again, and again before you’ve settled into a nice rhythm. Before your pants and moans become indistinguishable from each other. The familiar feeling starts building at the base of your spine and your legs come to wrap around his middle. The movement suddenly makes him slide in deeper, suddenly makes his tip nudge your g-spot and the loud moan that rips out of you can only be described as thoroughly unholy. 

Your nails dig into his back, leaving scratches and marks. Your face is buried deep into the crook of his neck where you feel the chain against your cheek and Ross’s thrusts become wild and erratic. He is a man that fucks with reckless abandon and you’ve never been more grateful for anything else. 

His words turn into incorrigible, filthy grunts; growing louder and dirtier with each thrust. Your walls clench around him impossibly tighter. He’s close, you can tell it from the way his cock twitches, from the way he loses all rhythm.

And you feel the knot tightening once again. 

‘I’m so close,’ you both moan at the same time as the other, both breathing heavily right next to each other’s ear. His name spills out of your lips in form of screams as you feel yourself come undone. Moments later, he thrusts one final time and finds his own climax. 

It takes you twice as long to come down from this high; still panting, still locked together as Ross tries to support his weight on his elbows. 

‘That was…’ he breathes unevenly, unable to find the right words. 

‘Yeah, that was…’ you agree, mouth still close to his ear. 

There is a moment of silence punctuated with loud breaths slowly returning to normalcy. 

‘We should do this again,’ you breathe as soon as there’s enough air in your lungs. 

‘Agreed,’ he nods while placing a delicate kiss on the shell of your ear. ‘We should definitely even make this a thing.’