#i want to kill myself because i have no friends and no good outlook on life. i’m tired of switching medications and i’m exhausted from

[bratzforchris]

Hello! I hope all is well! If you’re taking requests at all, would it be okay if you could write you and Ashton telling fans about your guy’s secret relationship while you’re a famous actor? Much love!

Ours

❃

Summary: Above

Pairing: Ashton x feminine reader

Warnings: None! (tooth rotting fluff)

Word Count: 1014

A/N: Thank you for the request! I'm sorry it's a bit short--I think I burnt myself out a bit with that 7k Luke fic :') Hoping you all are having a very happy holiday season<3

❃

“Are you sure, Y/N?” Ashton asked you rather anxiously, looking on as you got your makeup done. 

You were currently backstage at the Oscars, getting your hair and makeup done for the evening. Your boyfriend, Ashton, was serving rather good, although slightly anxious, moral support. He was scrolling through the #Y/NATTHEOSCARS hashtag on Twitter, reading you various shows of support. 

“Ash,” You said firmly, but not unkindly while the stylist applied rollers to your long, blond hair. “I’m up for two huge awards tonight with pretty good chances it sounds like. I want you to share in my success, babe.” You smiled softly. 

Ashton blushed at your words, standing to kiss your cheek before scuttling back to his chair beside you when your makeup artist scolded him. “I just don’t want to get in the way of your career. A girl’s gotta shine,” he winked. “It’s Y/N’s world, I’m just living in it.”

Aside from your team and Ashton’s, no one knew of your relationship. It’s not like either of you had a reason to hide it from the public, but both of you being famous meant that hardly anything in your life was private. Luckily, Ashton had the exact same outlook as you and had agreed to keep your relationship quiet, except where needed. You blushed at your boyfriend’s comment, turning your face from side to side as the artist finished. 

“Are you ready?” he asked you, taking your arm. 

You nodded softly, gazing up at him. “I know we’re seated together, but I want to announce everything when I get my award.”

“I know, darlin’,” he nuzzled your cheek softly. “I’ll see you at our seats.”

Leaving your lover’s side practically killed you, especially when you had to walk to your seat alone, holding your golden gown up softly so that you wouldn’t trip. You easily found the seat that had a place card that said “Y/N L/N”, smiling when you saw it was next to Ashton’s, just as intended. You knew he was technically there as your plus-one, but as other A-list actors (most of whom were your friends) arrived, no one seemed to notice. 

By the time the guests were let in, you were shaking your leg up and down, anxiously waiting for Ashton to come sit beside you and calm your nerves, both about your news to share and about the awards, in his calming way. Before long, your boyfriend took his seat beside you, looking as impeccable as ever. 

“You okay, love?” he whispered in your ear, noticing your shaken state. 

You nodded, swallowing thickly. “Just…thinking, I guess.” You tried to put on a brave face so he wouldn’t worry, but Ashton knew you better than that. 

“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” he hummed. “I’m okay with being your dirty little secret.” Ashton chuckled when no one was looking, sneaking a hand onto your thigh under the table. 

“Ashton Fletcher!” You said, swatting his shoulder. “Don’t be dirty.”

You blushed when you realized other people had heard you, receiving some odd looks. Luckily, your embarrassment didn’t last long, for the host tapped the mic and began the show. Being at the Oscars was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but that was the furthest thing from your mind right now. If you received Actress of the Year, a whole new world would open up for your career. You were already famous in book terms, but you longed to be like the gorgeous movie stars you had adored as a young girl. Not only that, but you were ready to tell the world about Ashton. You were tired of hiding the man you loved so dearly from the world, just because of PR. 5 Seconds of Summer were at an all-time high in their career right now, and your win plus the announcement would only solidify that. 

A sentence spoken through the mic snapped you out of your thoughts. “And now, for Actress of the Year, our nominees are…” the host read off a list of incredibly talented, beautiful women who were just as deserving of this award as you were. “And the Oscar goes to…Y/N L/N!” she cheered. 

Your head was spinning as you soaked in the moment, only brought back to reality when you felt Ashton shaking your shoulder and cheering “Go up there!”. You flushed, hurriedly bunching your gown up in your hands and carefully walking up the stairs to the stage. You blushed again when she placed the trophy in your hands, realizing the goal you had set for yourself as a little girl was finally accomplished. 

“I just want to start out by saying thank you,” You smiled as you spoke into the mic. “To my mentors, to my parents, to my directors this year, to the fans, and to every colleague that has given me feedback over the years. None of this would be possible without you. But there is one person that I feel like I need to give an extra special thanks to. Ashton Irwin, would you join me onstage?”

Ash blushed, hunching his lanky frame as he walked towards you, but enjoying the attention nonetheless. As soon as he was beside you, he wrapped an arm around you, smiling cheekily. “Great job, Y/N. I’m proud.” he whispered in your ear. 

“I wanna give an extra special thanks to Ashton for being the best support system this past year. He’s seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even though he’s a musician, he’s given me some of the best acting advice I’ve ever received. So thank you, Ashton, for being the best boyfriend in the world.”

Without another thought, you turned, kissing Ashton passionately as the crowd began to cheer. Despite the fact that the select few fans were up in the nosebleeds of the theater, you could hear them cheering the loudest for you. As you two spun around on the stage, kissing and lost in each other’s eyes, you knew that this had been the right decision all along. 

[transmascpetewentz]

A Short Guide To Writing Gay Trans Men

So a few disclaimers before I start:

I'm not going to talk about anything sex-related here because 1) people have made other guides and google is your friend & 2) I'm not very comfortable with it.

I am just one person, and due to the fact that I am white and thin and perisex, I will definitely have blind spots. If you want more information about intersections that don't apply to me, ask someone who it does apply to!

I did get lots of messages from trans guys giving me advice on this, but nonetheless I do not speak for absolutely everyone.

There will be very little info here on how to accurately write medical transitions because that's not something I've experienced. Google is your best friend on this one.

This is not a complete post. I will keep adding to it as time goes on. If you're seeing this post reblogged by someone else, click on the original to see if I've made any additions or corrections before you send me that anon hate and/or comment telling me to kill myself.

What Not To Do

When there is a trans male character written by a cis person, especially a cis man, there's a very solid chance that he is going to check off at least 9 of the following boxes:

Thin

White

Able-bodied

Neurotypical or LSN neurodivergent

Binary

No nuance given to his identity and expression

Sexuality not specified or elaborated on

A cis person's love interest

2 dimensional transmasc stereotype

Usually small and feminine, but not actually femme

Gay transmasc characters written by cis people are very difficult to find because cis authors will often not specify the sexuality of the trans man dating a cis man or elaborate on his connection to the MLM community. This is because many cis authors believe that writing a gay trans man is just writing a woman but switching one of the genders. This is, of course, not true, and there must be more care taken to provide nuance and create a more accurate (and non-dysphoria-inducing) representation.

Moving Past The White Twink Stereotype

This is one of the most basic bars to clear for a cis person writing a gay trans man, and yet so many continue to fail at this very simple task. Ask yourself: is your gay transmasc character a white, hairless, thin person? If the answer is yes, that's not inherently a bad thing, though it may be good to reflect on why you want to create a character like this if this is the only type of transmasc representation you write.

The biggest thing you need to do here is to give him a set of defining traits. Not physical traits, not even gender expression traits. Just personality. What kind of person is he? How does he cope with the transphobia in this world (unless you're writing a fantasy universe without transphobia)? How does he act towards strangers? How does he approach people of different genders? What is his outlook on cis people? Once you have the basics, it's time to think about his physical appearance & expression and how that has impacted his life and his personality.

You also want to avoid the trope where a gay trans man's personality is undeveloped and he is treated as an object for cis men to help them advance their character arcs. It's fine for trans men to serve a purpose like that in the story, but they need to be their own individual humans.

Writing Sexuality

If your trans male characters date men, and I cannot reiterate this enough, make them be open about their homosexuality or bisexuality. Give them a sexual orientation and make them be proud of it. Of course, not every gay trans man is going to identify heavily with a masc/fem role in gay male relationships, but you should seriously consider whether or not your character would.

Additionally, don't follow the flawed line of logic of "trans man -> vagina -> bottom -> fem/femme." It's fine to make your gay trans male characters fem but please, I swear to god please give them a good reason for being so. If you do make your character femme, be very cautious to use language that doesn't trigger actual trans men's dysphoria. Don't constantly point out the character's physical features that may be associated with femininity unless you're making a point either about his dysphoria or about how society treats him or maybe about how he comes to accept his body. However, please be extremely careful with the last one as this trope has been used in so many transphobic portrayals.

Have your gay trans male character exist in gay spaces with other gay men (both cis and trans). Have him be open about being a gay man specifically. Give him cis gay male friends. Give him trans gay male friends. Don't allow your reader to ignore the fact that he is very much a gay man.

Dysphoria

For the love of all things good, please do not write your gay trans male character's dysphoria as "from the day I was born, I knew I was born in the wrong body. I have had no internalized shame or guilting into making me doubt my transness, and it was obvious that I was not a woman." That's not how anyone's dysphoria works, even if they did know from a young age that they were born in the wrong body.

For gay trans men specifically, most of us end up realizing we're trans around either age 12 or age 20. This doesn't mean he has to be exactly that age, but that's generally the safest age to have your character's egg crack. Of course, you can sprinkle in signs that he's trans since he was a young child, but I know a lot of gay trans men and I have yet to meet one who has known since birth and has had no doubt in his mind about it. However you can and should write older gay trans men, even some who find out they're trans in their 40s or older. Representation of older trans people is seriously lacking compared to how many there are.

Don't make your character the stereotype of a straight trans man who doesn't face the specific intersection of being trans and gay. Facing this intersection does affect something even as personal as dysphoria. Many of us will have self-doubt, believe that we're disgusting fetishists of gay men, or simply exist as women in gay spaces for a time. You also have to take into account gay beauty standards & your character's upbringing to figure out what they're likely to be most dysphoric about.

hi :3

That's it for now. I'll keep adding to this post as I get feedback and suggestions. If you want more advice, feel free to send me an ask. When I get enough asks about things, I'll make an FAQ post answering some of them.

[thedragonboi]

I am simultaneously in an ADHD-Autism alliance and an ADHD-Autism rivalry and I’ve never been more hyperaware of someone’s autism because I don’t want to just interpret their behaviours as “ew, annoying” and make them suffer further social isolation because of something out of their control. But at the same time, unlike my other autistic friends who understand I’m also neurodivergent just in a different way, he refuses to understand or be lenient with my neurodivergent behaviours.

No matter what I do or how I try to explain it to them, they keep ignoring/not understanding me. And I know autism makes social cues harder to understand but please this man is 23 and I’ve explained my boundaries and outlooks and ADHD behaviours non stop for MONTHS and I’m so close to killing him because he doesn’t understand and instead of taking that at face value and leaving me alone to avoid conflict he fucking keeps INSTIGATING.

I make a repetitive sound to keep myself focused and grounded? “Stop doing that”. Ok I’ll stop for a little while, maybe sensory issues. I’m loosing focus in class but conflict avoided. I go sit further away to do it again next class and try and focus. He moves to sit near me. “Stop that”. Huh???? You purposely sat next to the adhd student who ground’s themselves by making repetitive noises. I just move back to my original seat cause I can see better. If it’s genuinely that bad please wear your earbuds, I know you have them I’ve seen you wearing them.

Study session. I’m fiddling with the notebook while I wait for him to answer the exam question. “Stop that”. Ok, I’ll fiddle with the pen to focus instead. “Stop that”. Jesus fucking Christ what AM I allowed to do to keep myself grounded and focused??? Go study with someone else at this point.

Jesus fucking Christ this cretin refuses to give me peace.

He followed me on my walk home once.

No, not once a couple times. But I just remember the last time really vividly because he kept bringing up movies who’s subject matter I don’t like interacting with (I forget the movie titles but he said they’re about war and genocide and historical events where people were subjugated and abused by colonialism). I kept trying to change the subject to movies that I enjoyed but he kept FUCKING PUTTING ME DOWN CAUSE THEYRE NOT THE MATURE ADULT SAD EMOTION MEDIA.

FUCK YOU. I was walking home by myself, 2 minutes away from school. He sees me minding my business and comes up to me. Weird but ok, probably doesn’t understand the social boundary. Forgivable if uncomfortable. He brings up a subject matter I’m sensitive about. I try and change the conversation politely because, again, probably just doesn’t understand the social cues I’m trying to send. He REFUSES to let me change the subject matter and then you’re fucking SHOCKED when I get upset????

While that’s just one incident he does other things which just feel extremely mean spirited? Maybe they’re not but I genuinely don’t know how to get him to shut up about it.

Lately I’ve been doing this thing where I reward myself for small accomplishments by giving myself affirmations. It’s been great for my mental health so far. Just calling myself smart or cool whenever I get a question right in class or a good assignment/test score. I’ve been consistently getting good grades (I never used to before) so I’ve been saying/giving myself positive affirmations a lot more than usual. But he’s taken offence to it or something?????

Whenever I try and answer a question in class and I get it wrong he fucking pipes up and goes “not so smart are you?” so smugly. Genuinely actually shut the fuck up before I commit bodily harm against you. And so far I’ve been trying to rationalise his behaviour as not understanding social cues but this kind of behaviour is genuinely unacceptable. Like it’s one thing to not understand boundaries but it’s another to butt in the middle of class and call someone not smart.

But like…sometimes when people or even the fucking teacher pipes up and goes “hey maybe don’t do that” he responds with “sorry, autism, don’t really understand social cues” and like…no one in class is a psychiatrist so we can’t comment on it but I want so badly to just yell at him that there’s a point where your behaviour isn’t exclusively the autism and that you’re a 23 year old adult who is ultimately responsible for your own actions.

I think my experiences and friendships with other autistic people just makes it more obvious to me that his actions aren’t sourced from autism but don’t think I have it in me to just internalise and admit to myself that I’ve been dealing with my boundaries and feelings constantly being ignored while he insists we’re friends.

There’s a point where the amount of times he says we’re friends after crossing a boundary feels like gaslighting. Doing something a friend shouldn’t do, or at least apologise for if they do, and then immediately saying “it’s ok, because we’re friends” and I just sit there in silence to keep the peace. Gaslighting probably isn’t the right word but idk any other description for this behaviour

[runningfrom2am]

the sea around us; chapter three

In which Rafe Cameron has to choose between his dad and a pogue who's changing his outlook on life more and more every day.

(rafe cameron x f!oc)

(eventual!jj maybank x f!oc)

warnings/tags: violence, drug/alcohol use, smoking, sexual content (if you squint), slowburn, older brother’s best friend, (these tags are obv not exhaustive but regardless it’s pretty PG13)

wc: 3.3k

my masterlist, series masterlist, requests

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

The next morning, JJ and John B picked me up at the dock behind my house on the HMS Pogue. John B sure has a thing for naming vehicles- he's not the worst at it. I live just down the street from the chateau, so I could see them from the porch right after they left John B's.

Hurricane Agatha sure did a number on the Outer Banks last night. The three of us, Anna, Deck, and I, huddled up in our bathroom since Anna wanted to tell "scary" stories and Deck just wanted to be included. The wind was loud all night, cracking trees and crashing sounds outside kept us up. I ended up passing out on the floor around 4 am, with the twins laying tangled on top of each other in the bathtub.

"Morning, Snow White." JJ says to me as I approach them tied up on the dock.

"Snow White? Really?" John B elbows him in the ribs and he winces.

"Dude- ow. I was gonna say Sleeping Beauty but I just thought it was funnier. You know, because-"

"Yeah JJ I got it." I cut him off. "Good one." I say, jumping into the boat with my cooler backpack over my shoulder. "I slept on the bathroom floor last night- my neck is killing me."

"I'll drink to that." JJ says, turning me by my shoulders to get into my backpack as John B unties us and we head off towards the Heywards'.

"Dude, look at this place." John B says as we pull up to Pope's.

He's out working on the dock with his dad, cleaning up the mess that Agatha had left in her wake.

"Well, look who we have here." Mr. Heyward says as we approach, JJ standing up from my side, preparing to help Pope on.

"We have a safety meeting, attendance mandatory." He explains.

"I can't. My pop's got me on lockdown."

"Come on, man."

At this, JJ holds his hands up to his mouth, pretending to talk into a radio. "Your dad's a pussy. Over." I gasp, reaching forward and giving a light hit to the back of JJ's arm.

"Oh, I heard that, you little bastard." Heyward says, pointing a finger at JJ.

"We need your son." I add, standing up and slipping my arm over JJ's shoulder to steady myself in the moving boat.

"Yeah, and island rules. Day after a hurricane's a free day." JJ shrugs

"Who made that up?"

"Uh... Pentagon, I think. We have security clearance. I have a card." I roll my eyes and shake my head.

"Think I'm stupid?"

Pope chimes in now as he starts to head toward our boat. "I'll do it tomorrow. I promise. Tomorrow."

"Hell no. You doin' it right now." Heyward says sternly.

"Get in the boat." John B whispers to Pope, loud enough for Heyward to hear.

"Boy, if you get in that boat..."

"Go, go, go." Pope says as he climbs in and I wave goodbye to his dad.

"Bring your ass back up here."

"I promise I'll do it tomorrow, Dad."

"You gonna clean shrimp, clean fish, you'll clean your dirty ass room!"

"Love you, Pops."

"Bye, Mr. Heyward! We'll bring him back in one piece." I smile and he shakes his head at me.

"And I don't like your friends!"

Next on our bus route, is Kie.

"Hey Kie!" I smile and wave as she walks up with a cooler behind her. She's greeted with a chorus of "good mornings" from the boys as she jumps in and reaches out for the cooler behind her.

"Whatcha got? You got some juice boxes?" Someone asks as I help set the cooler down on the bottom of the boat, and begin dumping my bag of drinks into the ice with the ones she brought.

"You know, just some yogurts and carrot sticks." Kie says, getting settled herself as John B steers us away. I'm looking forward to some fishing this morning.

"You got my kind of juice box?" JJ asks her and Kie nods.

"Yeah." She says as JJ starts going through the cooler already.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･

We're almost at our fishing destination of choice out in the marsh when JJ decides to practice his favorite and least successful party trick.

"Hey, Snowy, hold this up for me will ya?" He asks, cracking open a beer and holding the bottle out to me. I roll my eyes as I take it from him, stepping up onto the front of the boat and facing everyone.

"Punch it, Pope!" JJ shouts, pointing a finger at his dark-haired friend, who's now taken over for John B behind the wheel.

"Here we go, I'm movin'.." Pope rolls his eyes and starts to go faster,

"We've tried this six-thousand times and it's never worked." John B protested and I nod in agreement.

"I've got this, it's gonna work." JJ insists.

When we get to the right speed, I slowly tip the bottle back so the drink inside starts flying back toward JJ's face and open mouth. Safe to say about three drops end up in JJ's mouth, and half the bottle ends up on our friends behind him.

"Dude stop you're getting beer in my hair." Kie groans, putting her hands in front of her face so she stops getting sprayed. John B turns away so it doesn't get in his face either.

Pope puts his hand up in front of his eyes too, telling JJ "alright, alright!" He laughs, and John B agrees. "Yeah, alright, you're done JJ."

Their pleas go ignored, only because the bottle is almost empty and I am getting way too much of a kick out of this. This suddenly stopped when we heard the motor make a rattling sound and we were all suddenly thrown forward, JJ and I flying off of the boat and into the water.

When I finally get my bearings and stick my head out of the water with a gasp, the other three are leaning over the edge of the boat shouting at us. "JJ? Snowy?"

"I'm good." I cough as I swim back toward the edge of the boat, giving a brief thumbs-up to my friends.

"I think my heels hit the back of my head." JJ groaned, swimming up behind me. He grabs my waist with one arm, and with the other, he grabs the boat as he helps push me up while John B grabs my hand and lifts me back in.

"Everyone okay?" Kie asks and I look around at everyone, watching JJ climb back in on his own. I definitely don't have the upper body strength for that. His arms though... man.

A chorus of "Yep" and "All good" answered her question, and I pulled my soaking wet shirt over my head, laying it across the front of the boat to dry since I still had my swimsuit on underneath.

"Pope, man what did you do?" JJ asks, removing his shirt as well.

"Sandbar, the channel changed." Pope said and I look out over the edge of the boat, seeing if that beer bottle is within swimming reach for me to grab it. Kie might have a conniption if I left it behind. I squint a little as I see something at the bottom of the water, something big. Not quite the sand, but not a tarp or something either. A boat?

"Guys? I think there's a boat down there." I point, and JJ walks up behind me and looks down at where I'm pointing my finger with his arm around my waist holding me in so I don't fall back over the edge.

"Shut up, what?" John B said, joining us and looking over the edge.

"No way..." Kie says, shielding her eyes from the sun and squinting down into the water.

"That's literally a boat." I said, looking back at everyone.

Within seconds, everyone was stripped down to their bathing suits and diving in to get a closer look. I didn't want to get too close, so I kind of hovered above as long as I could, watching the others swim down.

After a few seconds, JJ starts to swim up towards me, grabbing me by the waist and pulling me back up with him so we can get some air. When my head breaks the water I take a deep breath, and JJ smiles at me with a slight chuckle. "A Grady White."

When everyone makes their way back up onto the boat, JJ tells everyone else. "That's a Grady White, a new one is 500 g's- easy."

John B flipped his hair out of his eyes and shook it on top of his head to try and get some of the water out. "That's the boat I saw when I surfed the storm."

"You surfed the surge?" Kie gasped.

"Yeah." John B said, high-fiving Pope.

"That's my boy, pogue style." JJ said, laughing and high-fiving him as well.

"Do we know whose boat it is?" Kie asks and I look back down over the edge.

"No, but I'll see what I can find." John B said, grabbing the anchor to ride it down.

"Be careful," Kie tells him, as he sits on the edge of the boat, walking up and giving him a kiss on the cheek. That one came a little out of the left field. I mean, it's kind of obvious that the boys always hit on her, but that is typically a one-sided inside joke.

"Diver down, fool!" Pope said, walking up and pushing John B off the edge with JJ as Kie stepped back.

He's in the water for a while, and I find myself sitting on the edge of the boat looking down at John B. He's been down there for a while, I definitely would have drowned by now.

Pope speaks up, sharing my thoughts. "He's not back yet..."

"He probably just found something cool." JJ shrugs, sitting down next to me to look over the edge.

"Should we try and get him?" Kie asked, just as John B bursts out of the water gasping for air.

"Oh, my god." I sigh a breath of relief, putting my hand on my chest.

"Any dead bodies?"

"Looting potential?"

"I don't know, I just found this busted motel key." John B says, holding up the key on a small keychain, with a room number written on it as he climbs back onto the boat and hands the key to Pope.

"A key?" He asks, turning it over in his hand.

"Yes Pope, a key."

JJ sighs. "Great, we salvaged a motel key."

"Hey, we should report this to the coast guard." Kie states, our voice of reason.

"What if we waited to see if there's a finders fee?" I suggest and JJ snaps and points his fingers at me, nodding excitedly. Kie rolls her eyes a little at us, in a fun, loving way.

"Yes, Snowy's right. We won't have to work all summer! Thanks, Agatha, ya batch!" He says, pointing his hands up to the sky now.

We quickly pack up to head back to town, in hopes of reporting it and collecting a check.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

Without any success, we weigh out our options, and ultimately decide to go to the motel that the key belongs to, and see if we can return it to someone personally. At least, that's what we've convinced ourselves was the plan. No premeditated breaking and entering intended- unless no one is home.

JJ whistles as we pull up towards the motel. Definitely a classy place, at least 2 stars.

"It looks like somewhere kids would stay as a dare."

"A real shitshow.."

"Motel, or meth lab?" The group voices their thoughts, similar to mine.

"It doesn't look like somewhere someone with a Grady White would stay.." John B says as he steers us in.

"More like somewhere with a Grady White gets killed," I add.

"Snowy lay off the true crime pods. This may be a dump but we'll probably be fine." JJ says, ruffling my hair with one hand while bringing back his radio bit and bringing his other hand up to his mouth. I squint and try and pull my head out from under his hand where he's just resting it now. "This is your captain speaking, HMS Pogue comin' in for landing."

JJ jumps out to the ground to help pull in the boat, as John B and I climb out behind him.

"Don't let JJ do anything stupid, Snowy." Pope tells me and I give him a salute.

"Yes sir." I say and JJ wraps his arm around my shoulders.

"C'mon, Pope, she's in on it and you know it." He says, turning us both to walk up to the motel.

We hear John B talking to Kie, telling him again to "seriously, be careful. I mean it." and JJ scoffs slightly. "She's so far up his ass bro." He whispers to me and I quietly laugh.

John B caught up with us quickly, and we headed up the stairs to the second floor, where the motel room we are looking for should be.

"What's with all the mattresses?" I ask JJ, looking up at him next to me.

"After a hurricane, they get ditched because they get all moldy."

"Oh, gross." I reply, scrunching up my nose a bit and JJ reaches over me and taps it before bringing up John B and Kie's chat from just moments ago.

"Yes Snowy, gross. However, not as gross as that conversation we just heard." He said, letting me go and walking up to John B just ahead of us.

"What conversation?" John B just asks and JJ looks back at me knowingly.

"Oh, be soo careful John B..." He mimics Kie's voice, and I can practically feel John B roll his eyes.

"God, you're so weird." He brushes JJ off, walking ahead of us again across the balcony. "Maybe she just wants us to be careful."

"It's true! Ever since you've been threatened with exile from that conversation you had with the social services people she's been like," He grabs John B's shoulders from behind, rubbing them at the same time. "Oh, be soo careful John B, just give me that John D already!"

"Get off me." John B tries to duck under JJ's grip so he would stop as I laugh.

"He's not totally wrong."

"Yeah! See? Snowy knows, when are you gonna swoop on that, man?" JJ asks, looking back at me briefly.

"You're the one always hitting on her and Snowy anyways." John B tells him and JJ nods quickly.

Me too? I didn't know I was actually included in that after what happened between us. I've been known to be a little oblivious though.

"Of course I am! Snowy is pretty much Princess of the Pogues out here, like, look at this hair." He says, reaching back and grabbing the ends of some of my hair that's draped down in front of me, almost reaching my hips. He twirls it gently before dropping it just as I could feel a blush spreading across my face and chest. "-and Kie's a super hot, rich, hippie girl slumming with us, for some reason."

John B chuckles and shakes his head.

"Exactly, I can't figure that out either bro, but who cares?"

John B was unimpressed. "You need help. Not a little help, you need a lot of help." JJ rolled his eyes. Here he went again. "It's like every girl who just has a heartbeat, you're like. . . Uhh!" He imitated a zombie.

John B then stopped and backtracked a step looking at the number on the door next to us. "This is us, 25." He says, changing the subject.

JJ steps up and knocks on the door. "Housekeeping!" He says, in this really funny high-pitched voice.

"That's what you sound like, Snowy." John B leans down to say close to my ear. I side-eye him and roll my eyes, giving him a light shove as JJ tries to look in the window when he didn't get an answer.

"No power, AKA no cameras, let's try the key." John B says, stepping up to the door and inserting it, trusting the handle and holding it for us to slip inside.

"JJ, don't touch anything- this is probably a crime scene," I whisper, as he promptly begins to touch almost anything he can reach. He picked up a bag, and John B instructed him to look for a nametag or something on it, as I look around the shabby-looking motel room. No doubt in my mind that there are bed bugs in here.

We shuffle through everything we find, me with a tissue in my hand so I'm not touching anything, while John B tries to open the safe. He eventually gets it open and calls JJ and I out of the bathroom to come and look.

"Holy shit.." I say, staring in awe at what's inside as he pulls it out. Bare hands. Of course. An orange document envelope, filled with some papers and a load of cash, and I don't notice what JJ pulls out until he talks to me.

"Hey, Snowy, check this out! John B can you take a picture of us? Mr. and Mrs. Smith style?" He says, holding up what I now see is an actual literal gun, leaning his back into me.

"Oh my god, JJ!" I say, backing away.

"Oh yeah? Seriously you want a picture? We're just making our own incriminating evidence now, that's what we're doing?" John B says, running his hand through his hair.

"This is a fuckin' speedy gat, man. Just, bam! Bam!" He laughs, posing with it again. We all jump a little when we hear something tap the window, and JJ and John B look out to see Kie and Pope waving at us wildly, then pointing over to the door and saying something.

"Fuck, cops. Cops man!" John B whispered as we frantically look around for somewhere to hide. We're screwed. JJ grabs my arm and pulls me towards the window as John B opens it.

"I got you, don't worry." He whispers to me, holding my hand and placing his other hand on my hip as I step out onto the small platform under the window. He and John B climb out after me, and John B shuffles to the side opposite us, while JJ steps in front of me and I grab onto the sides of his shirt for dear life, looking up at the sky as he places one hand on my waist to hold me against the wall, and the other up next to my head to steady himself.

I see John B lean over to look back inside, and we hear a small exchange between the officers. They're taking some of the cash. Unbelievable.

I try and take deep breaths, but I can feel myself starting to panic. I'm not good with heights. or cops. "Hey, Snowy, you're okay. You're okay. I've got you." JJ whispers to me and I nod slightly, squeezing my eyes shut. I feel JJ shift his arm that was next to my head, and something falls out of his pocket and hits the dumpster below us, making a loud bang. I flinch and close my eyes tighter somehow, as JJ pushes himself closer to me against the wall, tipping his head back. I can feel his chest moving as he breathes, and I try to focus on that to help me relax. I open one eye to look down at Kie and Pope, who have assumed the "just act natural" position down on the Pogue. Oh god, the cops are looking out the window.

"Oh. My. God." I whisper and JJ slowly moves and puts his hand over my mouth.

"Shh.." He hushes me, and I cringe internally as I feel my cheeks burning up under his hand, and hope he just chalks it up to me literally having a panic attack. But, he's JJ. He'll never let me live this down.

Suddenly, John B and I see Kie and Pope resume their waving, signaling the cops have left the room. That's our cue to get out of here- and we can't do it fast enough.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

A/N;

Hi, me again :)

Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm loving writing this, let me know what you want to see in the future!

-R

[ryeriy]

I think he knows

warnings: flirtatious activity

join my taglist

a/n: I had this idea when I was half asleep and wrote it in my notes and so this might be bad but it is what is. Also, I'm so close to 100 of you guys and I'm so happy! Thank you for your support!

mentions: @nowandkei @67-angelofthelordme-67 @huggy-hischier4394 @trevorzegrizz

Mat and I have been friends since sophomore year in high school. I guess you could call us best friends but I wouldn't say that. Me and Mathews relationship is confusing. Sometimes I can't tell if he wants to be just friends or more than that. That's just his personality though. He's a flirtatious person...and very charming...and hot. But that doesn't matter. What matters is I just can't read him and you think by know I would be able to see the signs but I haven't been able to. Maybe it's the fact I've been to worried about the signs to even see them.

We've been friends since sophomore year. Little does he know that I've had a crush on him since senior year of high school. The more time I've spent with Mat, the more time I realized I've like him. I've never told Mat I have liked him for years because I am scared it's going to ruin our relationship. We have to good of a relationship and for too long just to ruin it. Besides if he really liked me he probably would've said something anyways.

Tonight me and Mat are going out to the bar with a few close friends to celebrate our accomplishments. Mat's hockey career, Molly's new job, James's just became a dad, and my graduation of medical school. The four of us occasionally go out to dinner or to get drinks and hang out. The four of us aren't really a friend group but we hang out once and while. Me and Mat are closer to each other and Molly and James are the same way. Mathew was coming to pick me up since I didn't feel like driving. I was sitting on my couch watch reruns of friends on my TV waiting for Mathew to be here. "Can he hurry up." I say outlook to myself. Just as I say that I hear a knock at the door. I walk over to the front door and open it to see him standing there. "You look nice tonight." He says. "You don't look to bad yourself."

Before closing my door I grabbed my purse and keys locking the door behind me as I started to walk down the stairs Mathew held my hand. Weird. He never does that. He even opens and closes his car door for me. Usually when I get a ride from him he never does that. "You're acting weird." I say as he pulls out of my driveway and I can see his face have a wide smirk on it letting out a chuckle. "Am I though?" He said. That made me think. All I think is somehow he found out I like him and is acting all weird on me. Oh God! What if that's exactly what happened?!

Sitting in silence as he drove to the bar where we are going to meet Molly and James. The silence is killing me. Breaking the silence "how's life been treating you." Mathew says. "Same old stuff, still single, still alone, still not rich yet. What about the famous Mathew Barzal, how's life been treating you lately? Any new girls?" I ask back started making conversation. We still had another twenty minutes till we arrived. "Nope, but I've got my eye on one." His face still focusing on the road and not facing me at all. I have my face looking at him as he drives. Makes me think who this mystery girl is. "Tell me more about this mystery girl, Mat." He chuckles to himself. "Wouldn't you want to know." He says to me. "Oh you would do the same thing if it was me!" I exclaimed to him.

As he kept driving I kept wondering about this mystery women and why is he keeping her mystery. Usually he has no problem telling me everything but this time it's just nothing. "Well if you must know, my mystery girl is very pretty, smart, kind, caring, and probably the most amazing person I've ever met." His voice was soft. He really cares about this girl and I can tell based on his voice. "This mystery girl sounds wonderful." I say. I really want to feel happy for him but it's so hard when he likes someone else.

Arriving at the bar we got out of the car and he walked next to me as we walked inside searching for Molly and James. I felt an arm wrap around my waist and it was Mathew's I was sort of acting weird but at the same time this just how he acts. When we walked up to Molly and James his grip grew a but tighter. "Hey you two!" Molly said while she came in for a hug for both of us. After she was done with her greetings he put his hand back around me. "So you two?" James asks us. "Oh no, we're just friends and you know that James." He lets go of my waist and I felt lonely. As an ulternitive he holds me hand. I don't think anything about it.

~~

It was time for us to leave so we saus out goodbyes and we walked out to Mathew's car. His hand around my waist again. We get inside his car and get ready to go back to my place. "What was that for?" I ask him. "What was what?" He says. "You where grabbing on to me, didn't you say there was a mystery girl?" He chuckles when I say that. "Oh please, so you're telling me you didn't like me all of these years and really hated how close you were to me tonight?" I was too stunned to speak. Well now I know he knows that I've liked him. "What about mystery girl?" I tried to change the subject on him. "Are you blind? You're mystery girl. I mean I found out you liked me a year ago and didn't think anything of it until I started thinking about you like that and now your mystery girl to me." He says as he keeps driving and his head is focused on the road.

Oh. My. God.

"Well why didn't you tell me?" I say to him. "Well why didn't you tell me either?" He says back to me. "Touche..." I say while my voice grew softer. "You know I don't know what's going to happen with us but we can sort it out later." He tells me. "Yeah.." I say back to him. We sat in silence the rest of the way home. Before I got out of the car I unbuckled my seat belt and turn my head to face Mathew. He looked back at me and our faces were facing each other. Leaning in closer to me I looked at him then at his lips. We both kept leaning forward until our lips connecting. We kissed softly until we both pulled away. "We'll talk later." I said while getting out of the car and walking towards my house. He waved at me as I walked in and I waved back. Can't wait for the text to come through on my phone tonight.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Swiftie Anon

Hi guys! I got an ask from an anon that might be triggering so I'm copy-pasting it here so I can put a 'read more' button. I'm naming them Swiftie Anon because they said Taylor really helped them.

TW: SH, SI

Hi Cas, hope you’re ok, because I sure as hell am not. Trigger warning, like mentions of self harm and stuff like that I think.

I’m a seventh grader and recently I’ve been thinking about killing myself a lot more than I usually do. During the pandemic I was in 3rd grade and I kinda realized how much life sucked, but when I went back to school in 5th grade, I realized that this hadn’t occurred to anyone else. I kind of brushed it off bc I’ve always been sort of a pessimist but then I sixth grade I started having suicidal thoughts, I think. I just felt really done with everything, I didn’t want to draw or read or write, and my parents were pissed all the time, it felt like my friends were bored of me (I have abandonment issues from all my friends in elementary school leaving me) (I think)and I thought it would just be easier to not exist anymore, it wasn’t that good. I discovered Taylor, the angel that she is, she just felt…like a friend, like she was right there, you know, and I’ve been mostly okay-ish since. But school fucking sucks and in 7th grade I had to do a presentation in front of my class and I started crying and hyperventilating, I couldn’t even stand up. I think I have anxiety idk. I’ve always been shy, and I’ve hyperventilated before when my parents were yelling at me about stuff and my arms started bleeding because I was digging my nails into them. My parents found out at conferences and I got grounded. my brother knows bc he walked in on me crying and hyperventilating once but he’s leaving for college next year and idk how the fuck I’ll stay together without him. My younger sister and I are really close, but I don’t want to drag her in onto this stuff. And ik once I get to high school it’ll be even worse bc high school sounds horrible and I might be all alone again bc I might not go to the same high school as my friends

I haven’t said a word about this to anyone voluntarily and I know I can’t tell my parents. I always lie on those surveys you get at the doctor, and my parents are always saying I should have a more positive outlook on life and try to be happier and it makes me so pissed bc I am trying as hard as I can to be happening but nothing fucking works.

idk what do with myself anymore, a teacher mentioned college today and I almost broke down sobbing bc I don’t think I’ll let myself live that long. It’s just…really hard and everyday feels like years. Should I tell someone? I’m not as bad as I was in 6th grade, but I know I should be getting help somehow. But I suck at asking for things and I can’t trust any adults.

sorry for the rant, I just need some advice. And a virtual, pat on the head or something, idk.

---

Hi hon!

First, (with your permission), I'm like to give you a virtual hug, because it sounds like you're dealing with a lot <3

I'm gonna be really real with you right now: You need to ask for some help. You have a lot going on, and some really heavy feelings, and you don't deserve to be dealing with them at ALL, let alone by yourself.

You're young, and you have SO MUCH life left to enjoy, and suffering through it like this isn't fair. So I'm going to share something about myself with you, okay?

When I was younger, I was very depressed. I was in a bad relationship and I felt very trapped, and I got to a point similar to you.

One day, I got so overwhelmed that I sort of realized that I either needed to ask for help or I would end up making a really bad decision. So, I asked for help.

Again, I'm going to be real: It was SUPER scary. I had to see a lot of doctors and I cried a lot. But after a lot of work, I was able to get better, and now, years later, I am in a (different) healthy relationship, and I have a job and a pet, and I'm here talking to you.

I know this sounds stupid because it's like some feel-good story and right now I'm sure you feel less than great. But I say this because you NEED to ask for help, even if it is difficult. Because there are real things past this feeling. A future job, a future relationship (if you want), a future pet, future kids (if you want). They're all very real and achievable and this feeling is temporary, even thought it feels so permanent right now.

So I'm going to give you some options, since it seems like you don't want to talk to your parents:

Talk to a doctor. Doctors are trained to help you, and they have a lot of resources.

Talk to a trusted teacher. Teachers can sometimes be amazing resources as well, and a lot of them want to listen when you ask to talk.

Talk to a different adult (aunt, uncle, coach, someone!) that you feel close to that will help.

Call/text/message a hotline. Here is an example of a hotline you can talk to via messaging, text, or phone, depending on what you prefer.

But you need to ask for help, because you DESERVE to be happy and living your best life.

It would make me super happy if you message/inboxed me an update, whether you're doing better, worse, or the same! I'm so proud of you for reaching out and I'm cheering you on!

[gayhawkelatehomicide]

Updated Protagonist List

I'm going to add images to this, so it's going beneath a readmore for length reasons

Wardens

Aridhel Mahariel - bow rogue, romanced Zevran, straightforward dalish who neither understands nor cares about shemlen (or durgenlen) politics, blood magic is probably fine as long as you use it responsibly, anxious and blunt. "Let's focus on stopping the world-ending plague of darkspawn first, and worry about the rest of this bullshit later, hm?"

Saffron Cousland - sword and shield warrior, romanced Alistair, noble in every sense of the word but cheerful and friendly, Queen of Ferelden, Arlessa of Amaranthine (and Highever), killed Rendon Howe with her father's sword, fixated on duty. "Because it's the right thing to do."

Theodore Amell - arcane warrior mage, romanced Morrigan, bastardization arc powered by Morrigan whispering bad ideas in his ear, loves his terrible witch girlfriend, blood magic is fine and the chantry is oppressive, ambitious. "I am no longer baby, now I want power."

Renan Tabris - dagger rogue, romanced Leliana, exactly zero patience for shem politics, raised Andrastian (derogatory), canonically kind of a bitch, evil sense of humor, loves her stupid new shem baby brother, harden everyone, distrustful. "Like dogs, Shianni."

Valda Aeducan - two handed warrior, romanced Leliana, honorable and serious, trusts no one, girl raised in harsh political nonsense learns to trust her found family and forgive her bio family while unlearning bad lessons simulator, sneaky/quiet sense of humor, intense loyalty to her people, values tradition but values compassion more, genuinely regrets what happened with Trian. "For the honor of my house, though I myself have neither house nor honor."

Emmaera Surana - blood mage spirit healer, romanced Alistair, fey and strange, sweet but a little out of it, she and Merrill would get along so well because they both just say what they mean, falls for Ali like a ton of bricks after trusting him exactly 0% at first, has a council of spirits that advise her, definitely more than a little possessed, Templars aggro on sight, besties with Morrigan. "The Chantry won't tell you anything useful about the Fade, but I could. If you want."

Ashaterylen Mahariel - champion fighter, loves Morrigan but it's complicated, aggressive and no-nonsense, adopts Alistair as her comic relief to fill Tamlen's shoes, Not Okay™ but doing a good job regardless, my only warden who straight up dies, but we still get Kieran because magic, rather laconic, probably my most heavily headcanoned origins character. "Duty trumps sentiment. Every time."

Hawkes

Iris Hawke - knife rogue, romanced Anders, diplomatic but also way too intense for her own good, loves mages so much, circle mage Bethany, will do anything to protect what's left of her family, noble impulses but awful sense of humor, fanatic, very angry underneath her shell of politeness, diplomacy as a tool. "Why don't we try asking the Arishok nicely?"

Ian Hawke - elemental mage, romanced Fenris, sarcastic, sided with the templars because magic is an essential part of him but it's brought nothing but grief to him and his family, templar Carver, quip for every situation, never loses his positive outlook for long, self-loathing but doing his best not to make that everyone's problem. "Dad did WHAT for the Wardens? Why am I not surprised."

Kiera Hawke - two-handed warrior, romanced Isabella, sarcastic → aggressive, sad bastard warrior Hawke, everyone who gets close to her dies, Bethany dies, good attitude wrecked by the wear and tear of life, loves her buddies who are also terrible, angry and broken. "You tell me where Bartrand is, I'll help you wring his fucking neck"

Alice Hawke - knife rogue, romanced Merrill, circle mage Bethany, p much pure diplomatic, diplomacy as a way of life, mom friend central, no one is irredeemable, far too trusting, kind of a busybody, always thinks she knows best. "Clean your blades, watch your purse strings, don't be a dick."

Delilah Hawke - entropy mage, in love with Varric, pure sarcasm, sends Carver to the wardens, adores her stupid chaotic bisexual family, beat down by this world but stubbornly clinging to joy, flat refuses to talk about her problems. "Where would I be without my trusty dwarf?"

Quinn Hawke - blood mage, romances Anders, red from the beginning, low-key an asshole but also high-key he just doesn't know how to communicate, oldest sibling syndrome turned up to 11, inspired by Harker Zevsurana's Kier, fuck you mage rights. "Well, shit."

Andy Hawke - force mage, romances Anders and Fenris (it's complicated), strong purple laugh-or-cry type, so many canon alterations but the twins both live, grows a lot over the course of the campaign, big fuck the chantry, uses their staff as a polearm bc they're not great at magic, easily my most headcanoned Hawke. "Have any of you guys considered having a normal reaction to anything? Ever? Didn't think so."

Inquisitors

Miriani Lavellan - assassin bow rogue, romanced Solas, confused hardass Dalish girl doing her very best to navigate suddenly being in charge of all of this stuff, cares so much about everyone all the time, terrified but resigned to her responsibilities, self-sacrificing, sense of humor buried under all that sincerity. "I am the Inquisitor, through no virtue of my own. Vir suledin nadas."

Asher Adaar - two-handed warrior, romanced Sera/nobody (bc I meant to romance Sera but didn't know the right dialogue options so I kept waiting for it to pan out and it just sorta didn't), blunt and direct Tal-Vashoth mercenary who gets persuaded that maybe she actually is the herald of andraste, but honestly just wants to handle the things with as little religious and/or political nonsense as possible, blunt and violent. "We save Thedas TWICE, my hand wants to kill me, we save the exalted council specifically, and this is what we get?"

Stephan Trevelyan - rift mage, romanced Cassandra, a good sweet Andrastian boy, true prophet who has a meltdown when he finds out about Solas, best friends with Dorian, keeps the inquisition and wants to really save the world, a genuine idealist, stubborn AF. "Faith is a choice. The Maker set these events in motion so long ago we can no longer see His hand in them."

Samahl Lavellan - tempest knife rogue, romances Dorian, cheerful, sarcastic, and overwhelmed, insanely competent but good at hiding it, terrible little bastard, hates responsibilities, laughs in the face of danger (and Cassandra), keeps insisting he's not the Herald, kinda lazy. "I guess I'm learning now, aren't I, Mother?"

Riska Cadash - artificer knife rogue, romances Sera, direct and sometimes brutal but ultimately caring, criminal upbringing noble fashion sense, besties with Blackwall, andrastian and confused, consistently astonished by how easy it is to get things when you're the most important person in the world, one of my younger inquisitors but she doesn't act like it very often, really only when she's with Sera. "What's the worst that could happen?"

Dahlia Trevelyan - mortalitasi lightning mage, romances Blackwall, cheerfully irreverent young noblewoman flexing the edges of what she's allowed in this new role, filled with chaos and violence and entitlement. Fully does not believe in the Maker. Classically beautiful but with blue-gold eyes that go past "striking" into "genuinely unsettling" and, she caught some shrapnel from a spell gone wrong with her face a few years back so she's got distinctive scars. "Hey, look, at least dragons are real."

The Trio (all of whom have individual playthroughs but also come as a set)

Isene Lavellan - fire/rift mage, romances Iron Bull, primarily jokes and asks questions, basically a horrible mix of Miriani and Samahl. Sweet and a bit of a brat but ultimately up to the challenge. A disaster at the winter palace. Her general response to her workload getting heavier is to adjust the straps that hold the world on her back and carry on with a smile. "Bull, remind me why I accepted this job? Oh, right."

Harea Lavellan - knight enchanter and ice mage, romances Cullen, open minded and sweet, a bit naive but genuinely wants to make the world better, distressed by the mark and the everything but willing to bear it to keep others from suffering. Self sacrifice is a big theme here. Just a little (read: protected like Wynne) possessed by the actual spirit (of Wrath) who was attendant upon andraste, so she is quite literally the Herald. "No one is irredeemable!"

Rogelan Lavellan - sword and shield warrior, romances Josephine, kind of a hard-ass but willing to be romantic, would rather talk than fight but won't give up his ideals, careful and deliberate in everything he does but bold when he's made a decision. Stoic and pithy, but can be eloquent if he needs to. Understands shem bullshit better than most, because he's the kind of guy who studies the things that scare him. "Tell me how to help."

Continuities

Primary "Cannon" Continuity - Aridhel, Ian (or Iris), and Miriani - Protector, Catalyst, Survivor

Strong code of honor - Saffron, Iris, and Asher - Shield, Dagger, Sword

Fucked Up Andrastians - Theodore, Kiera, Stephan - Ambition, Sorrow, Faith

Terrible Senses of Humor - Renan, Alice, Samahl - Vengeance, Kindness, Laughter

Wrongest Choices - King, Viscount, Divine (I haven't actually made this playthrough but is a male rogue cousland, probably a guy Hawke as well and obviously not a mage but idk what class, and fem warrior Trevelyan)

Dwarf Run - Valda, Delilah, and Riska - Honor, Love, Trust

Definitely Not Possessed - Emmaera, Quinn, and Harea - Council, Temptation, Authority

Three Inkies - Ashaterylen, Andy, Rogelan/Harea/Isene - Sacrifice, Victory, Vigilance

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

My writing year 2023 vs 2024 - what was and what will be

The end of a year marks nothing but a change in the date as we will write it for the next twelve months, yet it is also a good time to review the past twelve months and to draw a line.

While most of 2023 was a miserable as 2022, there were a few things I am grateful for:

I didn't quit writing. I contemplated it several times because my frustrations about putting myself out there in a new fandom almost killed my love for the craft, but as it turns out, my stubborn heart can't let go.

For the first time in years, I wrote and posted a story (Fiery Birds & Endless Winter) that excited readers and kept them hooked until the end. My frustrations aside that this story was more successful than the story that's most dear to me, this experience restored a bit of my faith in my writing. (Note that successful is relative and to be seen in the context of multi-chapter stories in my current and my former fandom over the last 2-3 years. I'm very well aware that I don't write banger stories.)

I found a beta reader for each of my ongoing stories (CYHMH and Thousand Spotlights), respectively. I took me many months and I was about to give up, but eventually I was blessed with the help of two really amazing and supportive people, which kept me going. (@ my betas: Sorry for my endless complaints and thank you for putting up with me ❤️)

I made my first friend in this fandom.

Outlook for 2024:

I don't do resolutions since they feel fake to me. But of course, I have goals for 2024. My first goal is to continue working on becoming a better writer and create stories that keep readers hooked and reproduce what I (magically) managed with Fiery Birds & Endless Winter. As for CYHMH that's a little late and hardly possible because it's a novelisation, I will keep this goal in mind when I work on the drafts of my ADTLTBAseries. As part 2 (Did My Heart Love 'Til Now) is ready for beta-reading, I will mostly work on part 3 (In Love and War) and revise the chapters I've written so far and then finish writing the rest (that's my second goal, actually).

Unfortunately, I won't be able to dedicate my entire spare time to my wips as in 2024, I'm going to change careers, which is bound to be a massive change that besides training requires lots of preparations. Without going into the details, my future job might help me work towards my goal to write better stories.

Although my YOI meta posts are a mixed bag and I feel that I'm continuously stating the obvious, I'm planning write them a bit more frequently. My list with ideas is long enough to post 1-2 meta per month, but the truth is that I need to be in the right headspace to produce a thoughtful post for those who are interesting in reading my analyses. Knowing the changes ahead, there will be times when I'll rather be in the mood for this than for revision.

I also want to have faith in my writing again, but that's a wish and not something I can actively influence.

I wish everyone who has bothered to read until here a Happy 2024! May you reach your goals and may your dreams come true! ❤️

[seven2got]

This is my first post, I just want to introduce myself and start by saying to anyone who is contemplating suicide or are addicted to fentynal or anything else, I know just how hopeless life can seem, how it feels to not have anyone who cares about you. You may not believe me...yet... but there is a reason for you to keep pushing, keep living. Even if you are as hopeless as I was, please trust me when I say, there's someone or some reason you are on this planet for, I couldn't find a reason why I needed to stay alive, but it turned out that I needed to keep living, not for myself but for someone who had a beautiful family that loved him, an accomplished life he'd worked a long time to build, but he didn't want to die, he was done with being an addict and he was sick. He needed a friend who could help him do some of the most basic of daily tasks, someone who had gone through the struggle of being an addict and managed to get off of it like he had, his health was declining and the guilt he carried from causing his family to suffer while he was an addict he wished for a friend who would understand what he was going through. I was ready to die, I'd lost everyone that ever meant anything to me, I'd just gotten out of prison for the 2nd time, I was homeless, I stopped caring about other people or trying to make friends because they always left me, I was tired of being sad over people who obviously didn't care about me like I did about them. I didn't want to be an addict anymore, even if I was going to kill myself I just couldn't live another day chasing the drug, the cravings overpowered everything, the only thing that really mattered was my next high, I thought if I got off of it I would find a purpose but the clearer my head became, the more clear it was that I had no reason to live. I spent all day considering how, where, when, and all the steps leading up to the end. I was actually content with my decision, I would no longer be anyone's cause of stress, no one would ever worry about me again, no one would have to make room for me to sleep on their couch, I wouldn't have to go back to prison, everything I thought of was a good reason to die. I'd overdosed about 5 times while smoking raw fentynal and had my "friends" narcan me and bring me back, sometimes I'd wake up in the shower with cold water soaking my clothes, I'd be sore the next day from them slapping me or jerking my lifeless body around and into the shower. I never remembered how it felt in the few moments leading up to the overdose, come to think of it, I'd literally died multiple times unintentionally so surely I wouldn't fail at this as long as I got a big enough piece, a spot I wouldn't be interupted, and the mind set I had reached. My blog will follow all the struggles I had to live with while being an addict, all the failed attempts to get clean, getting convicted of distribution and going to prison twice, all of the people who might have meant something in my life if I would have given them the chance, all the ones who wouldn't have that I did, exactly how I decided to end my life even though I'd never even thought of suicide before, the people I met only days before I was to die and how only a few simple words completely changed my outlook on the future and gave me a reason to live. So no matter how dark and hopeless life can seem, it may not even be yourself that you need to keep on living for, there's a reason for every one of us to be here, sometimes you find it the last place you would thought to look. I believe I was saved in order to help someone live that didn't want to die. There was a family I didn't even know that needed my help to be complete again. I had found people who cared about my future, they didn't care about my past, they loved me when I wasn't sure I knew what love was, they became my reason to live when I couldn't find one in myself.

[namandabu]

Tannisho reflections: Chapter 1

The first part of the Tannisho is made up of quotes by Shinran, as recalled by Yuien-bo. This first chapter serves as an introduction to the rest by outlining the concept of other-power and its salvific effect on sentient beings and then emphasizing the universality of other-power.

In emphasizing the universality of the Primal Vow, Shinran says "We should realize that Amida's Original Vow never discriminates between the old and the young, the good and the evil and that what matters most is the heart of faith alone; for the vow was originally made for the purpose of delivering sentient beings sorely defiled by their vices and passions."

For me, I have often tried to answer the following question: Am I good, or am I evil? And it seems at first glance from Shinran's other writings that he is trying to tell me that I am evil. However, it is important to note that the teaching he is referring to is called "akunin shoki" in Japanese. In English, this means "The evil person is the intended target." In context, this means that the evil person is the target of the Primal Vow of Amida to deliver sentient beings to enlightenment. The first word, "akunin," is often translated as "evil person," but this does not do the word justice.

I will refer to the Calgary Buddhist Temple's Guide to Jodo Shinshu, found here:

http://calgary-buddhist.ab.ca/wp-content/uploads/JSGuide.pdf

On page 24, they have the following footnote: "Note: The notion of an evil person in Jodo Shinshu encompasses more than the conventional moral or ethical meaning of evil. Perhaps it refers more accurately to the notion of sentient beings who are full of kleshas or desires. Shinran Shonin often referred to himself as an evil person."

Perhaps a better translation of "akunin" would be "selfish person" because selfishness can take on forms that we mundanely consider to be both "good" and "evil." If I am moved to help someone in their time of need, is it because they need help or because I desire to help them? The answer is probably both, but the latter part reveals a form of selfish desire, even if it is wholesome. I want to help that person and gain gratification by doing so. Even if I desire nothing in return from them, I still feel good about the result of my actions. Would I take such actions if I could witness no such results? Maybe, but also maybe not. There are many causes I don't donate to and many ways to help, which I do not take advantage of. And, if I did, it would in part be for my own satisfaction, and not purely for the sake of others. Ultimately, I am more inclined to help a friend or loved one than a stranger. This reveals a selfish outlook.

Furthermore, I am no stranger to unskillful actions when they suit my own desires. Even with my (albeit sparse) knowledge regarding the Dharma, I still engage in actions that would be considered unskillful. My mind is constantly working to justify such actions to myself, and though I try to make progress in killing my bad habits, it is challenging to do.

Now, this does not mean that we should simply sit back and do nothing simply because anything we do is mixed with selfishness. Instead, it points to the attitude we should take when engaging with the world of Samsara. We should be careful in our actions, knowing they are motivated by our selfish desires. Furthermore, we should all the more entrust ourselves to the power of the Buddha, who transcends selfish desires and vows to bring us to the realization of selflessness. After all, being satisfied with our mundane goodness is not good enough. If we satisfy ourselves with our own actions, this is nothing more than stroking the ego, leading to more rebirth in Samsara. That is why the greatest good is the Nembutsu of gratitude to Amida; it comes from the mind that trusts in Amida for enlightenment in the next life and is the result of his great compassion, not our own small compassion. Stated in chapter 1:

"Therefore once faith in the Original Vow is steadfast, no other good is needed, for there is no good superior to the nenbutsu. No evil should be feared, for there is no evil powerful enough to obstruct Amida’s Original Vow."

Entrusting ourselves to the Buddha, we are able to spend our lives walking a path that ends in our enlightenment. Along the way, he makes us deeply aware of our faults and errors, deepening our trust in him and ensuring our birth in the Pure Land.

I have read many accounts by Shinshu followers who, upon entering into the Dharma, began to realize the depth of their blind passions and were thus enabled to empathize and show kindness to others more effectively. One of the effects of turning to other-power in this lifetime is deep humility, resulting in a kinder and gentler demeanor when dealing with others and when dealing with oneself. I myself have had multiple such moments of clarity into my own selfishness. These are not like the attainments brought on by self-power practice. They were gifted to me by Amida and are not my own doing. There is nothing to be proud of in them at all.

[princeescaluswords]

McCall hunter Anon. I understand exactly what you mean when it comes to AUs that change the open and dynamic for everything. However I argue that the reason I myself don't like them too much is because folks that do such things don't think about the butterfly effect one has on everything else that comes next.

I love your take on it and yes the Argents backstory would be the same however you've given me a question I never thought to ask "why wasn't Scott trained?" I have my own answer for why Melissa gave up the life. But I never thought to ask about Scott and the answer would be he was the opposite of Kate. And on the spot idea would be that Scott was too pure. In a world of boys will be boys Scott idolized and took after his mom with he wanted to take care of people he wanted to take care of everybody even his hyperactive friend styles he took care of when injuries came. He mimicked his mom and her attitude when she was studying for her medical degree. And, Melissa looks at Scott and says I don't want to take taint this. As far as we know, as according to the Argents, females were leaders and men were soldiers. And, if he doesn't fit the roles of either then why not make him something different; a healer.

Using your thoughts a dynamic that I now want to explore is Deaton. If Mel has the backstory that she has then that would mean she knows who Deaton is. What if Scott's whole Outlook on life to help everyone and job came from a change of heart hunter and a heartbroken emissary? Such a thoughts, both minds and yours, I feel wouldn't change the story but it would change\depend the dynamic of a few people.

For me, I always prefer the simple answers. When it comes to "why wasn't Scott trained the way canon Allison was?," Occam's Razor suggests that regardless of what type of Hunter the McCall's would be, Scott's asthma would be an obstacle. Unless you want to make the McCall parents as bad as Gerard, they're not going to ignore the fact that it would not be very good if a hunter has an asthma attack in the woods in the middle of the night. I'm sure that there are other roles an asthmatic Scott could play in a McCall Hunter AU, of course, but it remains a valid possible reason for him not being trained.

I want to push back on any description of Scott as pure. I don't think you meant it in the way it's usually taken, but it is still a dangerous idea to me. Canon Scott is not so much different than any other teenager in the show: Stiles, Jackson, Danny, Lydia, Isaac, Boyd, Erica, etc. He's ambitious to make first line, to make something happen in a life he sees as 'sitting on the sidelines'; while he falls in love with Allison, he is definitely lustful; he is resentful of his father's absence. Melissa may have encouraged him to be compassionate and courageous, but he's not inherently better than any of his peers. When it comes down to it, he's the heroic protagonist because he makes better choices according to his own judgment.

"Purity" as a trait in fiction appears as often and can be as damaging as "destiny"; they become shorthand for "the hero is the hero because he was always meant to be the hero and thus has an advantage in being better." Which means, of course, that those who aren't heroes were never meant to be the heroes, and thus somehow have a disadvantage. I feel this is what leads parts of the fandom to dislike Scott because they, wrongly, feel that his role as heroic protagonist means their favorite character is supposed to be seen as inherently bad. (For many, this offends their racism.) This isn't true. Scott not only could have chosen wrong but he sometimes did choose wrong. He's the hero because, in the critical moments, he decides to do the right thing. For example, he had every reason to listen to Stiles and abandon Derek to his fate in Formality (1x11), but he didn't. He needed to save Allison, and no matter that Derek had just betrayed him to Peter and just tried to kill Jackson, Scott believed that Derek was the type of person who would help him.

But pushing back against "purity" also means I have to look at Scott's relationship with his mother. I don't think we're supposed to take Melissa as some sort of perfect parent. She's not portrayed as such. She's never shown as uncaring about Scott, but she is significantly detached from his life, even during Season 1, in a way that no other parent (aside from Corey's) is indicated as being. I feel this is a function of class and narrative necessity, considering how much her work is empathized. Fandom makes a joke about Melissa doing everything at the hospital, but I don't think we're supposed to dismiss it. Melissa always being at work isn't laughed off by the narrative and that makes her distant. Unlike the Sheriff for example, she has no idea that the sacrificial ritual is causing her son any problems. She misses Scott's uncharacteristic aggression toward Isaac and is confused by Scott's lack of control in Anchors (3x13). And what's more telling is that even after these situations -- she never follows up. This never changes. The scene at the start of Creatures of the Night (5x01) demonstrates this. Scott isn't "pure" because Melissa is always there for him; he makes good decisions despite Melissa being involuntarily neglectful.

I push back on this because of the way parts of the fandom try to insinuate that Scott didn't earn the True Alpha status or even something like a positive relationship with his friends. Or that he was given special treatment instead of the bullshit he was put through. It would have been very easy and justified for Canon Scott to have actually hated Derek enough to leave him to his well-deserved fate, and very easy and justified for Canon Scott to have let the Knowledgeable Adults have their way and execute Void Stiles, and very easy and justified to spend the ten episodes after Status Asthmaticus (5x10) waiting for himself to heal and let other people deal with the Doctors, the Beast, and Theo. But he didn't. And it's that choice, not any inherent quality, that makes him the heroic protagonist.

[joeywheelermyman]

Fifth Prison Text

Pissing off of my roof on the 4th of July, drunk and watching the fireworks. Listening to Witt Lowry, trying not to love all the girls' that broke my heart. Summer sunsets at the skatepark. Passing cheap liquor around in a circle, outside the fair with my best friends. Laying awake at night, reminding myself I had no logical reason to be depressed because I finally had everything I'd ever wanted in my life. Sitting in a hidden grove right beside the river, smoking weed all by myself, thinking only about water and how it flowed and moved so effortlessly. I wonder if 13/14 year old KJ would be proud of me. I wonder if I'll be proud of 25-year old KJ. I hope he has really long hair, a beautiful girlfriend that truly loves him, a wonderfully cozy little house or apartment and the most positive yet realistic outlook on life I know he can have. I hope he's still a dreamer. Am I proud of the current me? Is anyone?...Ouch. That one hurt. I can't think of anyone who'd be proud of me, besides my mom. She'll always find the good in me. She'd tell me she's proud of the young man I'm becoming. She'd tell me how strong I am for going through this. When I was 15, I tried to kill myself. When the police told me they called my mom at work and she was coming home, all I could imagine was her annoyance at the repeated inconveniences at her work caused by my nuances. She got home and all I saw in her eyes was worry, she was worried even though she knew I was alive. It made me angry that the police waited until my mother came home to make me show the cuts. I was fifteen the first time I saw my mother's heart break.

[mental-health-advice]

Submission about grades

I'm stupid, I would've gotten 3/4 questions on a AP Physics 1 HW wrong if my friend hadn't helped me. I'm a so called GT/AP student, so smart and skilled and molded from elementary school. I'm not worth anything if I can't good great grades and keep up with/outperform my friends.

I'm not suicidal but I say things like I want to kill myself because I think the shock of such an awful statement takes the stress off. Like you just need to scream and get everything out and such a serious statement kinda snaps you out of it.

I'm probably a horrible person for trivializing suicide but I can't help but use it for it's own purposes

Hey there,

Even though I don’t personally know you I do not think you are stupid at all for feeling as though you need to get good grades as that’s what’s expected of you or what you expect of yourself. Almost like without good grades or getting grades that are better than your friends then you are nothing.

In instances like this I feel as though it’s really important to take a step back and just try to enjoy your surroundings. Like what’s happening around you, what can you see, hear or smell. Go for a walk and take note of what other people are doing, sit down on a public bench and just people watch or watch the world around you for a little while. By doing this you are not only giving yourself a break from the stresses of study and grades, but you are enabling yourself the opportunity to begin to enjoy life again just like it should be.

So, experiment with different things. Discover what your likes and dislikes are, what interests you in life. Hang out with friends socially, try not to talk about grades, just have some fun.

The point is to show you that there is more to like about yourself than just your education and your grades. Yes these things are important, but so to are life experiences and self-care. Just something to think about.

In terms of your use of saying things like “I want to kill myself” when you do not get the grades you feel like you should’ve received or gotten, this sounds like it’s just become habit for you as you may feel as though you have let yourself down and are not good or smart enough. This is why I feel it’s important to go back to the basics and just take a break now and again and just focus on something entirely different than your studies, try to find the enjoyment in life again if that makes sense.

If you are wanting to try to not say things like you want to kill yourself in times where you feel your grades aren’t good enough, then try to just take a breath and stop yourself before speaking. Try to remind yourself that you tried your very best and that yes, you wish you had done better, but you are still good enough as a person and are very deserving of being alive. And I know that this won’t be easy at all given that those words are engrained in you but with practice and taking each day as they come you will be able to have a better outlook on life.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[author-a-holmes]

heyy ari! i hope you’ve been well. for the october-themed ask: 👻 ghost: can you tease some wip ideas that have been haunting you/something you want to write in the future? –🌊

Hello anon! I've been surviving! Which is all we can ask, really lol I hope you've also been doing well! <3

Can I tease some idea's? Oh good gods, can I!

I have so many idea's, I genuinly get scared of not having enough time to write them all.

Let's see what I can pull out of the brain for you today...

One...

I have a couple of idea's for interactive fiction stories, or CYOA type stories that I'd love to get to eventually, but they're not just writing, they're coding too, so they're a definite time commitment.

One of those is a story that started out as a novel idea, and morphed into an interactive fiction called "Words of the Witches". It's about a witch, whose city is under seige from demons. A portal opened, but no one knows how. Due to the lack of warning, and the suddeness of the attack, the covens of the city only had time to cast a barrier, trapping the demons within the city limits. The demons, however, now rule the city. Magic is outlawed, and they are systematically tracking down and killing anyone with seraphim blood.

The player's character is a witch... and that's the only thing that's kept her alive, as the scent of her magic has masked the fact that she also has seraphim blood.

I'm sure I'll get around to this one eventually, but it's most definitely a backburner piece.

Two...

I've got about an 8 year publishing plan, but my furthest planned out book series is Chronicles of Verald.

I want to explore a very specific romantic dynamic with this story, so that was it's foundation. I wanted a MMC who'd done truly horrific things, but for good reasons, such as protecting their family. But I also wanted him to have been alive so long that he no longer felt any guilt or regret for those actions. For him, they're just a part of surviving.

On the flip side, is the FMC, who is sunshine and butterflies. He thinks he's going to crush her to get what he wants, but... there's a core of iron to her that he grows to respect.

And her outlook on life, will change his perspective on his actions and decisions moving forward.

It's, as I said, a very specific dynamic that I wanted to explore, but it's also a dynamic that needs to take a long time to develop, so when I went into the worldbuilding for Chronicles of Verald, I knew I needed to build a world that I, and my readers, could spend a LOT of time in.

CoV is a very intimidating project for me. I've described it as feeling like someone is standing behind me holding a baseball bat.

Right now I have my biggest map yet for this project. I have a functioning magic system, and a cultural system for the starting continent. But yes, that's starting continent. CoV will span years of the characters lives, at least 10 books, and depending on how my outlining goes, potentially two or three times that.

It's a beast, but I'm also not letting myself outline it properly until I've made some progress on my earlier projects, so I can't give numbers for sure.

Overall though it's something I'm very excited (but also mildly terrified) to dig into.

Three...

And then, a more recent project, just to even things out. Obviously, right now I'm working on my Fey Touched Trilogy, but December/January for me are always very busy IRL times, so I'll be taking a stab at something a little easier, a little lighter on the wordcount, for Dec/Jan.

I'm going to have a go at a Robin Hood retelling; but make it fantasy.

And by that I mean, "fairytale retellings" usually change the genre, and the setting. This gives me a chance to do something a bit different with Robin Hood. Because it's an English legend, there's nothing inherently magical about the story, so that's going to be my twist.

So far my notes cover Robin's entire backstory, from birth to the start of the tale, and how he and Marion were childhood friends, how he first met the Prince, who will become King.

There's elves, and druids, and magic, and possibly some other fantasy elements, and I think it'll just be really fun to play with a legend, and put my own spin on it.

[ivehadthatdream]

I forget what all is happening astrology wise, I think we have a mercury retrograde plus a new or full moon idk. But whatever it is I can't wait for it to be over. Like im in a upper type of mood, but also really depressed thinking about how imma be alone for the rest of my life. It's weird and I don't like it. Tbh I'm mentally ill anyway so this type of cycle is already never ending.

Lately I keep thinking about how imma be alone for forever. That I'm never going to he good enough or worthy. I admit that i want attention. I do. Is that so wrong? To want to feel loved and desired, not just in a romantic sense but also with friends and coworkers too. I want to be one of those people who is in the "cool" crowd. Please. It's all I ever wanted. To just be accepted and seen. When I first started this job it seems like it was going that way until I fucker it all up. I hate it. I want to be alone and not be in awkward social settings, but I desperately crave the attention. Really to be seen. That's all I want. Can I please keep a friend?! Why can't I even have friends. Am I really this destended to be alone forever?

I feel like I'm a monster of a person. Maybe that's why everyone leaves is because they can see the monster that I am. They see how weird I am when im trying to be cool. They see how annoying i am when I try to talk. They see how rude I am when I don't talk. Its like I can't ever win no matter what I do. And I know the laws of manifestion say that it's my negative mindset is what's holding me back. But I feel like even when I'm positive I can't win.

Maybe I should have killed myself back in 2021. I really feel like nothing would change without my presence. If anything it would be better.

It's weird how depressed my thoughts are outlook are but I also have this feeling of calmness and peace. Maybe it's from stopping the birth control. Idk. But I would very much to only be happy. I hate these ruminating bad thoughts. I just want to be normal and fit in. So badly please 😔😥

[ofthoughtsandmemories]

man. I'm not sure if keeping this blog alive is a good thing, but right now I don't see the harm in posting.

My life fell apart. It sounds dramatic when I type it out, but I can't deny that it's true. I am only a few assignments away from getting my Masters, but that's on hold for... well, I don't know. As long as it takes to get better, I guess.

At first, I didn't know what was wrong with me. I spiraled and spiraled. I was certain I wouldn't survive. And I wouldn't have if I didn't have such wonderful friends and a medical support system.

I spent several months digging my own grave and 3 months lying in it. That's what my therapist now says, and I can't help but agree with her. My dad came and saved me. I left Omaha behind for Appalachia. It was, and is, a bittersweet transition. More bitter than sweet, but it gets easier to swallow every day. I miss my friends in Omaha so much. They promised we'd keep in touch and that we could still be friends, but I have more experience in losing friends than they do, I think. Perhaps that's a pessimistic outlook, but I just can't help it. I know they still think of me. Moi talks to me frequently. I just miss them so much.

I thought I was sick. Everyone did. My parents and I struggled and struggled to be seen by doctors who would take me seriously. After the endocrinologist told me it was just PCOS, something inside of me changed. I don't know what it was or why, but ever since then, I feel like a different person.

I'm still not completely convinced that this new treatment is going to work, but I'm not really convinced of anything right now, so I guess that's fine. It has to be fine.

So after almost a year now of suffering and stagnation and pain, I've started to heal. I think. But this healing is starting with 10 years of repressed memories and trauma I didn't even know I had.

I am a CSA survivor. Typing it out still feels strange. How long did I carry that with me in my subconscious? I wish I knew. I wish I could remember. As scared as I am of remembering, it somehow seems worse to have it all tucked away somewhere, out of reach. I can't heal if I can't remember.

At the same time, the worst part so far has been remembering. I can't stop thinking about high school. I can't stop thinking about all of the ways that I hurt people. Realizing why I acted the way I did. Remembering all of the dysfunctional ways that I cried out for help.

This blog is one of them. I read through the entire thing some time a few weeks ago. It hurt me to see myself saying such horrible things. I was 13. She was 13. I picked up the burden of self hatred so, so young, and I didn't even know I still carried it with me.

I also don't know when I started believing that I deserved the abuse I got. The neglect. It's little wonder to me now that I struggled with adulthood. No one taught me. No one taught me how to live. I have spent my entire life believing that I am a burden, unwanted, never enough. My mother threatened to kill herself because of me many times. I want to say that I forgot it happened, but that's not true. Like the rest, it has been with me. I think I just accepted that I deserved it somewhere along the way. I don't think that anymore. I haven't thought that for a while.

Now, I just live. I heal. I'm frustrated and scared and sad and all kinds of things. I have so much work to do, and most of it is in my head. I'm grateful for my NH friends more than I can say. I'm grateful to Moi and the rest of my friends in Omaha. I'm grateful to all of the people I have known in my life who have helped me begin to love myself. People who I loved. Because I do love myself, even if I still hate myself. I love parts of me, and I will learn to love all of me.

There is nowhere else to go but forward.