#i want to know if these dreams these fucking nightmares are just me relapsing and fucking whatnot

[lovestruckpdf]

,

[elegantcherryblossomsheep]

an open letter to anyone early in a restrictive ed

Dear sufferer

Note that I started this letter with sufferer. You are not succeeding. You are suffering. And I know this, because well, of course there are fantastic feelings associated with having anorexia. Theres the excitement of losing weight, of feeling your body shrink, of feeling in control. But I know that really, deep down, what you’ve started isn’t making you happy.

What do I mean by that? Well honestly, the early days of an ED are such a rush. But it doesn’t take long for the bad things to start popping up. You start to feel isolated, and not only do you feel that way, but you want to feel that way. Because if you’re alone no one can stop you. Because you don’t need friends. You have anorexia, and she’s your friend.

And things only get worse. Believe me. You start to feel intense fear. It’s not control. It’s not discipline. It starts that way, sure, but then it morphs into an uncontrollable terror, where the mere sight of food petrifies you and the thought of eating paralyses you, you shake and struggle at every meal. The control you had over food becomes control food has over you. And this suffering is made even more intense by the fact that deep down, you’re hungry. You want food, it tastes delicious, and it brings a level of mental stimulation nothing can compete with. I really do think I became addicted not only to fearing food, but to eating it while afraid.

And this decline may only take 2 weeks, or a month or two. But the process of building yourself back up again can take years. I’ve been levitating between recovery and relapse for the last 2 years, unable to pick a side, grit my teeth and get to it. That’s the other torture of it. The constant uncertainty about what you want. Because on some level you want to recover. You want to eat with freedom, to make peace with your body. But the eating disorder wants to get louder, stronger, it lures you in with promises. You’ll feel amazing.

But do you? You reach a milestone and for a moment, you’re euphoric. You’re getting thinner, you’re losing weight, you’re strong, powerful, special. Remember that special, we’ll come back to it. But think about the moment after the success. The way you’re instantly thinking of the next goal. Nothing is ever enough. I reached out for help at my goal weight, because I knew right then, I wasn’t satisfied. I could see the slippery slope. Maybe you have a plan: ‘ill eat to maintenance at my goal weight. I’ll have my dream body; I’ll want to show it off!’

Spoiler alert: you won’t. You’ll hide it even more because you’re still not fucking happy with it. And you’ll be afraid that if anyone sees how unwell you look, they’ll force you to eat more. Not only that, you’ll be too cold to wear shorts or crop tops, you’ll be cold all the time. You won’t have the energy to go out in the first place, all you’ll want to do is sleep and scroll and go for inordinately long walks. It’s not a life, the life of an active ED. It’s the most depressing, isolating thing I have ever experienced.

And you tell yourself, that’s ok. When I reach my goal weight if im not happy I’ll  just gain it back.

Like hell you won’t. Either you’ll think ‘Ok, I just have to lose a little more, and then I will be happy’. But you won’t. And eventually if you’re lucky, you’ll turn to recovery at some point. You’ll try to eat more, but you’ll panic. You’ll have nightmares of full plates of food, sitting in front of you, knowing you’ll eat them. The process of eating more, gaining weight… It’s tough. Almost impossible to do alone. So maybe you’ll find yourself in hospital. You’ll be forced to eat 6 meals a day, to face that fear. You want be allowed to exercise, you’ll be even more isolated from your friends and family. You’ll wonder why you ever fell down the slippery slope into a pit of despair that’s so hard to get out of.

Or maybe you won’t… and that’s ok, it makes you strong, you’re still sick. I remember spending the first 6 months of my anorexia feeling like I wasn’t sick enough to recover because I’d never had an admission. To be fair, after my first admission I did commit to recovery for a while, but it didn’t last. My admission didn’t make me sick enough. It didn’t  give me permission to eat. Sure, it made me less sick, but it wasn’t a badge of honour.

And still I didn’t feel sick enough. I started thinking – ‘ok. I need a medical admission and a nasogastric tube’. Here I am, in that very position. I don’t feel sick enough. The tube hurts all the time. I just want to go home

I think an element of it is that my ED, being sick, being in hospital and needing countless admissions… it all made me feel special. I felt noticed, loved and cared for. Maybe I didn’t feel that way enough growing up, so I snatched up the one way I could think of to get attention – making myself sick. However, this isn’t the way I wanted to be seen. To watch my family as they watched me get sick, to see their pain and anxiety and worry, was torture. I feel immense guilt every day for the distress I have put them through over the last 2 years, and to know I make the choice to keep putting them through that.

It's not just family and friendship that it hurts, either. I was in a relationship for 2 years. I lost her, because she couldn’t bear to deal with my ED any more. My antidepressants (for depression sparked by my restriction) killed our sex life and my anorexia made her, with her own ED, more worried and more unwell. I had to let go of someone who made me so happy because I made her so sad.

But there’s an elephant in the room I haven’t mentioned, mainly because I don’t think I’ve internalised it, don’t think I believe it. And that is that at the end of the day, you might die. When I was diagnosed, my heart was struggling. When I was purging, I was disturbing my electrolyte levels. It may all seem like a bit of fun, but at the end of the day, 15% of people with our condition will die at it’s hand. And I don’t want to be one of them. Nor do I want you to be.

I know that recovery helps. I’ve been there. With the nutrition, your brain function comes back. Your relationships get better. Your family calm down and start to trust you again. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it’s a small price to pay to not only stay alive, but to actually live.

So, I implore you, just think about it. Make a list of everything you value in your life and realise that if you let your ed get worse, you will lose it all.

Good luck.

[mybodyismadeoutofsound]

am i really the worst human being you know?

a letter to me, from every single word that has terrified me and had made me want to feel smaller, from you. everything that happens it’s always a subtle stomach ache, but the powerful stabbing, bleeding kind of ache. no one likes a weak person, so i’ll start to crack in a laugh before i start sobbing and hear “i need to be able to live without you”. of course this will be shocking to me, of course my heart sinks down to my feet. of course i stop breathing and i close my eyes and open then to pretend i just woke up from a horrible nightmare (i don’t dream anymore.) of course my throat will burn worse than alcohol drenched down my throat. to give everyone (those who want to give me the opposite of love and kindness.) a sense of solitude, i’ll tell my self that i deserve this and i’ll repeat to myself “you are the worst fucking human being i have ever met kaz” in my bathroom mirror where i wipe the blood off of my fingers after i relapse, and i’ll do this because it makes me feel like i deserve it more and ‘everyone’ can feel good that i know i do. so now that the easiest step is done because i can convince myself that every horrible thing that ever happens to me is for a reason and i just need to take it. the only next thing to do is listen to you say “i dont know what the fuck is wrong with you but you ruin every single thing you touch.” which was not entirely wrong. no. you’re never wrong you taught me that, now i hold every single bad thing you’ve cursed under my name and lift them to the light of the stars WITHOUT EVEN FLINCHING. the next thing is to reverse our bad arguments when i shower, seeing you paint a cross down my chest with the steam seeing you pray to god for the first time in years because you cared so hard and i miss taking care of eachother with soft hands while we showered. and while i reminisce on your angered texts that i can feel you smashed your thumbs down on the keys i’ll read “i don’t know why i try with you you’re not going to fucking listen anyways.” until i grab the blade under my soap bottle and carve “LISTEN TO ME” to teach me a lesson. i do this until i get weaker, let you punish me only for you to stab me with your tongue more letting the words file it down sharper to pierce my skin like a needle, you’re never wrong for calling me weak because i never fight back. (i hated fighting with you so i let you walk over me and it still didn’t prevent us from fighting.) and i’ll sob hard when you call me a “FUCKING PUSSY.” because my dad would call me that whenever he tried to touch me. and when i wear you out from being so weak, so goddamn vulnerable i’ll look into your discomforted face and your disgust filled eyes and read the individual lines of your iris “i’m so tired of you, i’m so tired of this.” and i’ll keep asking myself, “why do i keep doing everything wrong.”

-k.h

[gorewh0re90x-blog]

diary entries...

TW: substances, ed, TMI situations

1/7/2024

6pm

im so tired. i havent been this tired since i quit doing dope 7 months ago. i still miss her almost everyday. my one true love. she was with me through everything the last 12 years. our relationship was toxic as hell but she will always be the one who got away. even if (when) i relapse and run back to her it will always end. it might end in death or just another rehab but it will always end. thats the thing with her, no matter how many times i run back i always have to leave, even if its for a little bit. theres no way around it. i start doing good in life and i run back to her warm and beautiful arms. the beginning is always the best, the honeymoon phase, but it doesnt last longer than 6 months. she always asks for more and more. more time, more money, more attention, more destruction. we lay in bed all day and all night as she whispers sweetly in my ear 'you dont need any of this..not this job, not this money, not your friends, not your family, not the outside world..you only need me..' and i always agree because its true, i only need her to be ok with being alive. no matter how many times we go through the same notions, i always listen to her..how can i not? when im with her nothing else matters, nothing means a thing. she makes me feel so safe, so warm, so invincible, so beautiful, so amazing.. its only her, always and forever.. until she takes everything away from me, as she always does, and drags me to rock bottom where the only choice i have left, is to leave her again..

9pm

idk whats wrong with me the last few days. im so tired and feeling like crap. it cant be not enough sleep because im sleeping. it cant be not enough food because im eating. im tired, my stomach hurts, im cold until I get in bed and under the covers and then im hot. my head hurts. my body aches, although that could be just me trying to work out too much. it feels like im constipated but im still going a little everyday. consistency of soft serve ice cream, which is super foreign to me. ive been constipated for the last 12 years, going once a week, if i was lucky, and when i did go it was like pushing out baseballs made out of rocks. this whole thing is just strange and exhausting. i just feel like I have the flu. i took dulcolax, my savior, an hour and a half ago and im hoping it clears out everything i ate the last 4 days and not just little swirls of crap that take 10mins of wiping to clean up. gross, i know. i just want to sleep but i don't want to wake up at midnight and be wide awake til i get back from the clinic at 6:30am. maybe ill be able to sleep for the next 6 hours and then just work out some until its time to head to the clinic at 5:30. i took an hour nap earlier around 5pm and had a weird dream.. it had to do with 2 guys breaking in and trying to shoot us unsuccessfully and ended up with me stabbing one and the other getting shot. hopefully its not some premission.. im gonna try to nap.

1/8/2024

12:05am

i decided to let myself get an oreo mcflurry every sunday since ive been doing so well with my diet and exercise. i figured that since i burn more than the 510cal thats in the dam thing every day anyway, i can be a fat fucking pig and have one. theyre just so dam good 😩 cutting out all sugar has been a nightmare over the last month. ive spent the whole time i was an h addict living on sugar so its been rough. it will be totally worth it though. i should reach my current goal weight of 100lbs in the next 10 months or less as long as i keep doing what ive been doing. i cant wait to be thin and beautiful. i dont need drugs as long as im thin 🖤

1/9/2024

1am

i ate that slice of cheese pizza i said i wouldnt touch..378cals. 378!! im such a fat pig. disgusting. it doesnt matter that i burned twice as much in calories today. the only thing that matters is that i didn't have enough self control to not eat that dam slice of pizza. i hate that my husband eats the foods i cant have every freaking day. i know me needing to lose weight is not his problem but it still sucks to be put in these situations everyday. if its not pizza its cookies and sweets and danishes and everything else I cant eat. fuck this sucks so bad! starting tomorrow i need to burn more than 700-900cals each day. i need to walk more than 10-13k steps. i need to eat less than 1400cal each day. idc if im technically still losing weight. its not enough. i need to do better and damnit i will do better.

11pm

i ate less but didnt get to work out as much as i wanted to. i guess tomorrow will be better. it better be at least. i need to get to sleep before 3am tonight so i dont sleep til 5pm tomorrow.. i have to be up at 530am to go to the clinic 5 times a week and by 11am im so exhausted i need a freaking nap or im falling over on my feet. i think they need to lower the dose on my medicine. this is getting super annoying. i just wanna be thin already. fml.

1/11/2024

12:36am

today was good. i walked over 13k steps, worked out for an hour, burned about 1000cals and only ate about 800cals. definitely getting a hang of this. didnt have a headache either. got a decent amount of sleep too. im definitely gonna ask my clinic to lower the dose on my medication because im sure thats why im tired all the time. im super sore from the gym the other day but tomorrow i have to go either way. hopefully it wont be too crowded because i get really bad anxiety and paranoia around strangers. i hate going outside. goodnight my lovelies, i hope youre all staying on track and getting closer to your ugw 🖤🚬🦋

1/13/2024

5:16am

i had a good day yesterday but not a great night. i burned around 1200cals and had a 90min work out plus 15k steps. less food as well. ordered some stuff off amazon ive been wanting since beginning of december so i was super happy until my husband decided to drink and be..not great. he hasnt been drinking since we moved states 7 months ago except 1 or 2 previous occasions because he gets wasted and acts a fool. he was doing good until he wasnt. it just wasnt a good experience but hes finally asleep. im exhausted from not getting more than 3 hours of sleep the previous night and having to deep clean the whole house and do my workout and now being up all night. i want to go to sleep but i have a few things to worry about due to his drinking so its not looking so good right now.. i fed the stray cats i take care of just now and im gonna lay down and listen to some creepypastas and hope for sleep to come. hope everyone is doing well 🖤🚬🦋

[warlok7776]

I've been in a really bad spot lately. Don't know what to do. Does it really matter? I try so hard. I just can't cry. I need to but I'm empty. Who cares. Quit your whining. I am free. But thoughts of being locked up are always present. The fear of going back. im so tired. I'm so alone. I wanna get high so bad. But I know I can't. One really bad relapse in 2 and a half years isn't so bad. I miss my son. Want to hug him so fucking much. Being with him would pretty much save me. I've let him down so much. What if he ends up hating me? I hated my father, why not he He hate me too. Tomorrow will come in a noxious sunrise. I will feel old and weary. I will feel all of yesterday's pains again. Every. Single. Day. I think about killing myself. Its the first thought that pops into my head every morning. It's all too much. I feel like I'm always and forever worthless. I feel like no one could ever love me. Every single day of my life I just want to die. But.. but.. But every single time I say these words out loud. I say them even though I hate myself and want to die. Even though I want to get high so bad I dream about Meth almost every night. Even though my ex won't even let me talk to my son on the phone. Even though I've been sober for over 2 and a half years and I want drugs so badly. Even though I'm doing the right thing, working, staying out of trouble, and every little fucking nightmare parole makes do with absolutely no fucking sense of accomplishment. Even though every single day I just don't want to wake up it's as simple as that. I say to myself. For myself. By myself as always. With no hope for tomorrow. Not today Joshua. Not today. Not today motherfucker. Quit your whining. Get your shit together. And somehow, it fuckin works. I'm still here.

[jaehyunzzmilk]

make a wish

pairing: johnjae x reader (incubus angels)

word count: 2.1 k

genre: smut

summary: imagine johnny and jaehyun appearing in your room to satisfy your sexual dreams

notes: hey angels, as promised I'm uploading the first part of this fic I've always wanted to write, first chapter has to be with johnny and why not add my other bias, god gave us two holes for a reason lol next parts will be with other nct members but omg I got so horny while writing this, hope you like it, leave a feedback if you like

warnings: threesome, fingering, oral (male and female receiving), unprotected sex, double penetration, spanking, biting, choking, cum play, anal (female receiving)

"Make A Wish"

You're searching for some books at the occultism part at the library, you're not exactly sure what you're looking for, you just hope to find some answers for the dreams you're having. It was always the same dreams, well not the same story every time but it was always with the same men and at the same place, since you could remember. "Aren't people supposed to have different dreams?"

But the funny thing is, you're not afraid, the dreams are not nightmares, you actually like the feeling. There are these beautiful men, you think they are angels, always the same ones, there's something about them, when they appear in your dreams you get a level of serotonin you don't need anything else, you can feel them touching you, it's like you loved them.

You were almost obsessed with it, to a level where you spent most of your time sleeping trying to dream about it again. Of course you couldn't tell them to any therapist or friend because they would say you were insane, so you decided to do your own research.

While searching over the bookshelves, a word grabs your attention "Incubus".

'These demons crave sex and often attack their victims while they sleep.' You've heard about this before. While reading that quote a flash went through your brain of one of them fucking you, you couldn't remember which one was it, but the fact that you had a better feeling of orgasm from a dream that your real life was exciting. Maybe that was the reason you wanted to dream about it again.

Do you know that feeling when you wake up from a dream and don't remember about it at all? But you know you had the dream, and who it was with. That's how you feel about the demons or angels from your dreams. But the only thing you're sure it's you have to find a way to extend the feelings, enjoy them and ironically be conscious. You want to remember their faces, to talk to them, to fully feel them.

When you get home you prepare tea to start reading your book, you don't want to drink coffee because you want to sleep easily. Reading through the pages you learn that since the old days people experience dreams like the ones you do, for some people it might feel like nightmares, sleep paralysis and some even feel pain, it can last years. Then you learn something called lucid dream, that basically you can have control over your actions. You just wanted to see them again.

Can you induce a lucid dream? You were going to try it. There's a lot of ways to lucid dreaming, a lot of them involved setting up an alarm after you're in an REM phase of your sleep, which is the deepest level of sleep, then staying up for 30 minutes and getting back to sleep again. It was too much work, you were gonna try the easiest way.

Hours later, after reading the book and googling everything about lucid dreaming, you lay down on your bed and you try to remember some of your old dreams, that's what one of the articles says. You try hard to remember details, things you normally don't remember like the smell, the noises, the colour of the walls… And you repeat to yourself "I will dream about them tonight, I will remember my dream"

After about 30 minutes you're impatient, you can't stand to stay still anymore, you try everything but can't fall asleep. You open your eyes and stare at the ceiling then you grab your phone.

[1:00 am]

"- I love when she uses that silk night dress" A voice from the corner of the room says.

"- Look how perfect she is waiting for us!" Another voice says.

The two tall men walk towards your bed. They are tall and beautiful. They wear silk white clothes and have a skin that looks like porcelain.

Did it work? Were you dreaming?

"Are you angels?" You ask and sit down on your bed.

Both of them look at each other and laugh, they are sitting at the tip of the bed now.

"- You're the only angel here princess" The guy on the right says.

They come closer to you.

"- You were waiting for us, right? Did you miss us?"

"Ye-Yes but… Who are you? Can I know your names?" You say afraid you're going to wake up and they will disappear.

"- It's ok princess, we're not going anywhere! My name is Johnny" - He says passing his fingers through your hair.

"- I'm Jaehyun!" He lays on your side.

Gosh, how could they be so beautiful? It seems that you're in control of your actions now. You suddenly get shy and don't know what to do. If it's a dream then why does it feel so real?

"- You called us, right princess? Don't be shy" Jaehyun says and moves his hands up your tights, your whole body shivers with goosebumps.

"- Just relax angel, we'll take care of you, that's why we're here" Johnny says while kissing your neck.

Jaehyun moves his hand up and touches your core with the tip of his fingers.

"- Look Johnny, she's not wearing any panties! She was begging for us to come"

You moan while Jaehyun kisses the other side of your neck. Johnny takes off the shoulder strap from your night dress exposing one of your breasts and he goes down giving wet kisses on your nipple. Jaehyun moves your chin to his direction and kisses you, soft but intense.

"- Tell us what you want princess! Make a wish!" Johnny says, kissing your collarbones and grabbing your boob with his hand.

"I want you, both, all night"

Now Johnny kisses you, and Jaehyun starts to finger you slowly.

"- You have us, wish conceived!" Jaehyun says while taking off your night dress.

"- You're perfect!" Johnny passes his hands through your body and takes off his clothes. He kisses you again and sucks your bottom lip.

When Jaehyun's mouth makes contact with your clit you moan in Johnny's lip. You reach out to Johnny's length and start to move your hands up and down, spreading the precum from the tip to his base. Johnny comes back to sucking your nipple while Jaehyun is eating you out.

"- I want that pretty little mouth around my cock" Johnny says, grabbing your face to his cock. He pushes his length all the way into your mouth making you gag, saliva leaking from the corners of your mouth while you moan and take him all in. Holding your neck with one hand Johnny finds a way to reach your clit with his free hand while Jaehyun is devouring your pussy. Jaehyun's twitching back muscles looked so beautiful with his head between your legs and Johnny making sure he was also pleasuring you while you sucked him.

"- Such a good girl, does it feel good having both of us all for you?" Johnny says, pressing his finger harder on your clit. You pull out Johnny's length from your mouth for a second so you can breathe, your back arches and whole body tense because of how close you are. You give a loud moan when Johnny taps your clit and kisses you again.

"- Are you gonna cum on Jaehyun's mouth angel?" He bites your lower lip.

"Yes... Yes, I'm coming!" You scream in pleasure.

After recovering from your high Jaehyun bites your inner thigh and comes up to kiss you. "Look at how sweet you taste" Jaehyun gives you a deep kiss and Johnny collects your juices with his fingers and puts it in his mouth to also taste you. "- So wet for us!" Johnny says, his eyes get darker and he grabs your neck and kiss it from behind. Johnny grabs your hips and pulls down on his lap, he teases you brushing his cock on your ass.

"- Bend over for me!" Johnny says. You obey and get on all fours, looking up to see Jaehyun's smirking at you. Johnny gives a slap on your ass and you moan in surprise, getting even more wet.

"- Look at me "Jaehyun positions himself in front of your mouth and grabs your neck hard while Johnny enters your pussy with one deep thrust. He fucks you hard and deep while Jaehyun chokes you.

You reach for Jaehyun's dick hard on his stomach and take him in your mouth. You pick up a rhythm, tears coming out of your face from being stuffed with both of their dicks, room filled with the obscene noises of moans and skin slapping. Jaehyun moves his hips deep in your throat making you gag and choke and each one of your moans sends vibrations making him twitch. Jaehyun pulls out for a moment just to tease his tip on your lips, then you deepthroat him again. Johnny's thrusts are getting faster, making you moan into Jaehyn's cock, Johnny is moaning hard as well. "- I'm gonna cum" He digs his nails into your hips and comes hard inside you. At the same time Jaehyun removes himself from your mouth and grabs his dick in his hands "- Me too" he says. With no warning Jaehyun releases into your face making a mess, splashes of cum all over your face. Johnny is still inside you, he pulls your chest against his, holding your boob with your hand and your neck with the other. "- Look at the mess Jaehyun did to your pretty face, you like that don't you?" You push down in his cock and start moving your hips in circle motions "- You're so dirty, are you gonna come for us one more time?" Johnny asks. Johnny holding your weight on him, Jaehyun puts his fingers on your lower ab. "You look so good with Johnny's cook deep in your pussy" Jaehyun teases you while you keep thrusting on Johnny, he puts his hand in your belly, right where Johnny's dick is, then lowers to your clit. "- Cum for us one more time" Jaehyun says. You cum on Johnny's dick, legs shaking and you relapse on your bed.

Johnny and Jaehyun lay on your sides, Jaehyun is facing you and Johnny is behind. Johnny pulls your hair exposing the back of your neck giving you a kiss. "- Are you ready for round 2?" Jaehyun asks, kissing you. He lifts one of your legs, giving an easy access to your core, he teases your pussy lips with his tip, you whine wanting more. Johnny takes the leaking cum from your core to your butt hole, inserting a finger carefully to stretch you out. You squirm to reach Johnny's face and kiss him, rolling your hips to feel Jaehyun's dick brushing against your core and Johnny's fingers on your ass. "- Do you want our cocks filling you up? Can you handle that?" Johnny asks. "-Yes, yes please fuck me, I can take it".

Jaehyun stops the teasing and pulls his whole length into you, then pulls slowly out leaving only the tip inside you, he keeps doing that over and over, the overstimulation in your pussy lips is driving you insane, you whine. "- Sorry, I didn't hear you" Johnny says and slides his cock into your ass, you moan even louder than before with every thrust. The new feeling of pleasure consumes your body, two cocks inside your holes filling you up so good. They were being more gentle, the thrusts were slow but deep. Their hands running all over your body.

"- Fuck, how can you be so tight?" Jaehyun moans "You'll be so full with our cum" you drag your nails into his back. You tilt your head back, resting on Johnny's chest.

"Oh God, I can't hold for much longer!" You scream. Your body and mind are going blank with the overstimulation. Johnny and Jaehyun still thrusting into you, deeper and harder. You squirt on Jaehyun's dick so hard and he climaxes right after you. Jaehyun removes from you and Johnny's thrusts gets messier as he grabs your body with more strength as he is closer to his orgasm, with a few more pounds he releases into you groaning.

You breathe heavily trying to recover. "You did so well, my love!" Johnny says kissing you. Jaehyun helps cleaning you up and softly passes his fingers through your body.

"I don't want you to disappear, please stay with me, only with me!" You lay your head on Jaehyun's chest. "- Don't worry my angel, we are only yours!" Jaehyun says. "Promise?" You look at them. "- Yes baby, we promise!"

"I don't want this dream to end" You say and fall asleep in their arms.

"Find us in your daydream" Johnny whispers.

[the-fourth-knower]

Diary of a lost doe, part 1

A short fic where my character Annabelle writes in diaries

Fresh off losing her parents, Annabelle Flaches must contend with trying to fend for herself and her baby sister Angelica. And with Angelica talking to a mysterious green orb when she thinks Annabelle isn’t watching, things are only at the tip of the iceberg.

This is for me and Aquillis’s “half and half” AU, our ‘main’ AU. not to be confused with Aqui’s pack universe which is her underground re-write.

Due to the length I'm splitting this into two parts. This is part 1, part 2 is here!

Diary Enry 1, Day I dunno.

Okay here it is. First diary entry I guess. Gotta keep it brief, writing instruements are hard.

Been a few months since that day. We’re doing fine. Angie started another garden. Moved to a new spot.

Got some new things for the house. Old car door and a tire. Not sure what I’ll do with the tire gonna use the door as part of wall.

Finished roof this morning. Good thing 2, might rain.

Angie still sleps bad if not next to me. Writing while she’s curled up. Wasn’t for scars on ear and having to sleep in same clothes she’d look like we’re still home.

Gotta sleep now.

Diary Entry 2

Maybe got a job. Illegal probs but $ is $

Angelica talked more today. Good sign? Maybe she relapses back into not talking but progress.

I never thought i’d miss her annoying stupid “hey lets go explore a cave and not tell anyone bout what we’ll do” self. Never thought about losing mum and pa ei

Shit crying. Bye.

Diary entry 3

Diary didn’t get too wet yesterday.Don’t think bout mom and pa it ends badly.

I can’t afford to break down even if Angie’s sleeping

If I break down then Angie will get upset

I won’t put her through it

I won’t

…

Diary entry 54

Had to leave town but am 600 $ richer

Angie’s quiet again. But she didn’t complain bout us leavin

gonna go for a city maybe. more risk but more money and places to live.

Jadetown’s the city. Dunno too much bout it but mum liked it.

Should get there in maybe a cuple weeks or so

Angie’s sound asleep. No kicking or anything so that’s good

Hope the city’s okay. Angie hates crowds.

Need somewhere with not a lot of crowds to live at

…

Diary Entry 63

Been a hot second. Settling in Jadetown’s pretty hard.

Find a quiet spot in the slums. Pretty shitty now, but the two of us can make it work

Angie still isn’t talking, but she kept close to me while we made our way through the crowds. She seemed fine as long as she held my hand

Lost her a couple times, but not for long. She seemed upset bout it.

Sorry Angie.

I’ll do better. I promise.

...

Diary Entry 169 (it’s the morning but fuck it)

The nightmare happened again.

Angelica having her ear scared by those monsters. mum and pa being taken away in exchange for us being set loose

Only it loops around and around before it’s just cries and blood and knives and screams and crying and they’re all surrounding me judging me for just failing everyone because you’re a fucking failure

Haven’t had it a while. Don’t upset yourself, Angie needs you.

Diary entry 169? Night

Angelica almost killed some street thugs.

we caught some dumbass looking punks bullying some sort of chao. I think it’s a chao

I ran up to one like an idiot and gout in their face to know what they’re doin, and the things went dark. I got knocked out on my ass, apparenlty the big brute that led them butted me in the head. Asshole didn’t even let me get ready

I came to to Angie trying to shake me awake. When I looked around the punks were gone, there were plant vines all over, and the other kids that had gathered were a mix of crapped their pants and mouths on the floor

I asked angie bout it and she just said she took care of them and that the punks had run off

What the hell did she do? Usually I’m the one saving her? But she was having none of it today.

Oh the chao’s fine, weirdass chao though. Never seen chao that just cause flowers to grow around them or in their footsteps.

Made 30 $

Rib’s hurting and headache, Angie fast asleep. Time for bed.

Diary Entry 170

Chao’s bak.

Visited Angie’s garden for a while watchin me watchin it. It waved and left right around Angie gettin up.

Showed up again when we got back home. Angie hasn’t seen it yet. Good thing, she wanted to bring it with us. We can’t afford three mouths.

I don’t like it. We save its ass and now its stalking us.

Made nothin.

Ribs hurt less. Still a bitch.

Diary entry 171

Angie’s found the “chao”

She talked to it all morning when she thought i was napping. Couldn’t sleep, too afraid of bad dreams.

It doesn’t make chao sounds. Or it does but really weird ones.

Then it turned a green light ball for a bit and back into a chao

Angie liked that.

I don’t trust it. Even less.

Need to watch it.

Angie’s relaxed.

Made 5$.

Diary Entry 172 morn

Nightmare again

Diary Entry 172 night

Angie got excited, claimed that she “found Trevor”

he lived near us back in our old home

Had to tell her no, every red mouse we see is not Trevor.

She says that Trevor and his family were gonna move here, pretty inistent too.

Man she gets caught up on the smallest things

Made 20$

Diary Entry 173

Chao returned while i was working. Left Angie on her own

Shes seemed like she was having a fun time being able to talk with someone

She’s not made friends much. Maybe i’m being too hard on the ‘chao’

Still gotta watch it. It could be manipulating her

Haven’t told her I know bout the chao yet.

Should i?

Not now. Angelica is sleeping.

Made 5$

Diary Entry 174

‘Trevor’ spotting 2. Angie wanted to go bug the person. So we went and sure enough as we got closer Angie changed her mind. It was a rat, not a mouse she said.

How can she tell the difference?

No Angie and chao visit. Unless it was while i slept in. but why would she be secretive bout it?

Saw the punk bitch again today. Looked like he crapped his pants when he saw Angie and she glared at him. That’s my sister.

Made 60$

…

Diary Entry 364

Got a new diary. Last entry for this one. Things going well. Got a good thing going for myself.

Angie found a new plant today, and now she’s got it in her garden.

Loved the look on her face when I got it for her.

Made 50$

Angelica’s chatted with the Chao again. Sort of like, is her guardian I think. Or is that its name

Guess good bye diary 1. Really weird to do but it feels right.

Angie’s sleeping well enough on her own. She mumbles but that seems it.

Do I do a good job keeping her safe

Diary 2 Entry 1

Managed to find a new diary. Keeping the old one just cause, and because I have the storage. For a couple of street bum does, we’ve got a decent enough house going. Been able to put it together from bits and bobs lying around, Angie even threw in her hat and added her own touches.

Looks ugly as hell with the plants holding things together and it’s all a mish mash of junk and crap I found, but it’s our mishmash of junk and crap.

Also saved up enough and am making enough to afford more than one pen and even some pencils. So I can write more often. Just felt like writing

Angie’s started to get more vocal again. I think she’s catching onto the fact the way I’ve been making money is less than honest a lot of the time.

I’m not going to sell myself for it though. I’m not degrading myself with that and nayone who fucking tries is going to a hospital.

And if any of those freaks dare go near Angie there won’t be enough left for a morgue to pick up.

Oh, and the chao’s still around. I can feel it. Angelica loves it, I think. I don’t trust it entirely, yet. But, it hasn't been a danger for the past months. So I think it’s actually a good thing.. Angie calls it Guardian. Maybe it's our own Guardian Angel.

Made 65$ today.

Good journal entry me. You got talkative. Writative? Whatever.

...

Diary 2 Entry 23

Got into a fight today, that was fun. The punks from when I helped save Guardian decided to jump me when Angelica was at the house. Guess they figured they could jump me without little sis to back me up. Too bad for them, when I don’t get suckered I’m damn good at defending myself. Sent them packing. Got a bit bruised. Why is it always the ribs with those guys.

Admittedly. I didn’t have to beat the crap out of them. But talk shit get hit, I say. They shouldn’t have been trash talking me when I was walking by.

-

Angelica was upset when I got back. Should’ve expected that, really. Don’t know why I didn’t think she would notice me being hurt, she’s got a sixth sense for that sort of thing. Always has. Kinda weird.

But, she did try and heal me a bit. Somehow, she’s gotten better at it -Ever since she's met Guardian, she’s gotten more control over that healing ability she has. I just need to make sure she doesn’t overdo herself again.

I don’t know anything much bout healing magic or whatever it is, but I don’t think what Angie has is normal. I think she uses herself for it. Whatever healing she tries to do just eats away at her. And whatever it was was enough to frighten Pa to move us in the first place

-

I think part of me might blame ANgie for it. For getting us out of the safety of where we lived near Agateton and moving.

But if we didn’t move would we really have been safe still. And it wasn’t Angie’s fault she did what she did, it was Pa who pushed for it and Mum who went with it.

So do I blame them? I don’t want to. The monsters that took them and hurt Angie are the ones to blame.

But they wouldn’t have found us if we didn’t move near that forest. But Mum and Pa couldn’t have seen it coming.

Ugh. brain hurts. Fuck this mind screw bullshite

Spent 123.54$ today. Groceries and supplies. Tampons are stupid expensive but I want to have a decent supply for when we need them. Also some food.

Made 13$. Gonna need to work more to recoup.

No idea if Angie talked with Guardian. She still thinks I don’t know anythin bout it.

At least, I think she doesn’t. She gets defensive and acts like she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

I wonder why she does that. Wonder if it’s tied with how I react to her saying she’s found Trevor for the umpteenth time.

Maybe I should press her bout it. But I don’t want to get her worked up over nothin.

Okay that’s enough, my mind’s getting wandering now and I stay up if I do that.

...

Diary 2 Entry 54

Someone showed up with a bunch of robots earlier. Cause quite the commotion, sent people running, the usual.

Apparently he set up shop in the rich quarter and is causing all sorts of troubles. People have been coming to and fro a lot the past few days.

Angie got worried over explosions. Had to calm her down, explain that whatever it was probably wasn’t coming here. She asked me bout the people there and if they needed help - told her that someone would take care of the rich fops. That’s what they do after all. Who gives a shit about two practically orphaned kids.

Not sure if she bought it. Gotta keep an eye on her. Might need to pull an all nighter.

And we don’t have any energy drinks or coffee. I could go grab one, no one is gonna give a shit if I do, not in this current environment.

Gotta stop for now. Gotta focus on Angie not some stupid book.

Entry 55

Angie’s missin

[votederpycausemufins]

The bots are all fixed!!! Well, they are physically. Mentally is another question which we’re not covering hahahahahaHAHAHA! also wack, no smp members. @petrichormeraki @helleborusangel

“There, that should do it. We might want for someone to test it out in the near future, but it does look like it’s fixed.” Xisuma spoke as both of the bots powered back on. “I can see why we had trouble before. It looks fine if you’re not actively looking for that problem specifically.”

“Thank you very much Xisuma.” Mumbo said, checking both of the bots over for his own peace of mind.

“Of course. I also got a response from Biffa in the middle of it all, and while he’s not willing to share all the details of his past, he was willing to give a few notes. As these two are player entities, natural world magic is going to help them adapt more to that. He’s willing to come visit in a few weeks to see the two of them if you’re all okay with that.”

Mumbo looked over to Grian who nodded. “That’s more your guys’ call. You both knew him much longer than me. I mean, we interacted of course and he seemed nice, but you know better.”

“Well X, I think that would be lovely.” Mumbo replied, looking back to the admin.

“You know, is it just a family thing to like people in pink, or is it just coincidence.” Grifter spoke up, making everyone look over at him exasperatedly.

“Did you have to follow us in here?” Mumbo groaned, and Grifter just nodded, feathers coming off of him as he moved from stray ones sticking to his clothes.

“Too many chickens outside. Inside’s safer. Besiiiiiiides it’s less boring in here. And I’m the one who even knew what was wrong with your kids. Also yeah, you fixed it, no need for testing.”

“You’re not lying, are you?” Grian asked, crossing his arms.

“Of course not. What would I get out of lying about it?” Grifter shrugged. “They also look like my little pumpkin rolls, so why would I want to hurt them?”

“Didn’t your version of Jrum try killing ours?” Mumbo said with a frown.

Grifter just scoffed. “I told him about the bug! He was going to make sure your kid respawned correctly. I just needed some help and for you not to know. It worked out in the end, didn’t it? It only didn’t work out for those asshole admins and me.”

“Speaking of, Tommy’s old world has a console now. Well, a console other than Grum. Is the hels version the same?” Mumbo asked, genuinely curious, though the smile that Grifter gave worried him.

“Weeeell, the short answer is no, it’s got a new admin. The longer answer is that the new admin is meee!”

“You?!”

“I’m sorry why you?! I’m not the admin here! I’m not even opped!”

“I know you’re fucking not.” Grifter rolled his eyes, pulling a stray feather off of his sweater. “Our worlds are parallel but they aren’t one to one equals, dumbass. And we’re not just influenced by the shit that happens here. May I remind you that I was a Listener when Deevo and Evo started while you only became a Watcher when it ended. Or at least close to the end. And my boys were born before you built these two. The worlds sometimes force themselves together, like NPG staying around when I was gone and my boys not functioning until yours were around or… you know… Tommy being pulled to Hermitcraft after Theseus ran off to Helscraft.”

That got everyone’s attention. “Wait, is that why Tommy doesn’t know how he got here?”

Grifter smirked. “Yeah. After Nightmare got killed, Thee got the admin powers. He was pissed over things and ran off looking for me. Of course I was imprisoned and Dad wasn’t letting anyone near me, so the best he could find was season five. Member changes are always a forced thing, so I guess something pulled Tommy here to fix it that way.

“But wait, won’t that…” Grian trailed off.

“Shove you into the SMP? Fuck no. I’m admin, but I’m not gonna live there. I’m a Listener, I can check on things while living in Helscraft. Besides, things are different with NPG around. I mean, unless I kill him-”

“Don’t you dare!”

Grifter huffed. “I wasn’t gonna! Despite how much I hate him, he was the one person caring for Sense when he was all alone, so I’ll give him that. So no death, maybe just some torture. Anyway, I’m sure you’re visiting, so it balances out. Probably.” He finished with a shrug.

“Oh joy of joys.” Mumbo groaned while Grian looked so done with the world.

While all of this had been going on, both of the bots had completely powered on. At first they just took in their surroundings, staying quiet since it was clear others were in the middle of important conversations. Then they saw each other.

With everything that had happened, the two bots had barely been in each other’s company, and when they were, they were at each other’s throats. Jrum was the first to look away in shame as he could remember most of what happened clearly, but Grum was a bit fuzzy on a number of details. He hesitated, reaching out towards his brother a bit, before just pulling his hand back.

When it seemed the conversation was coming to a close, Grum got Jrum’s attention and used his screen and hands to signal something before looking over to their dads. “Um, Dads?”

Mumbo and Grian both looked over to Grum when he spoke up. “What is it Grum?”

“Could… Could Jrum and I have a bit of time alone? To… talk with each other?”

The pair looked to Xisuma since it was his place. X nodded before helping to lead them as well as Grifter out of the room and to somewhere else.

For a few moments, both of the bots were quiet, just sitting there, unsure what to say. Then Jrum started up the conversation. “I’m sorry for being mad at you. I got all upset at Dad getting upset at family, but then I was doing the same thing.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I was the one who started things. You reacted to my actions and were influenced by those red plants.”

“Yeah, but Dream was messing with you and made you be mean!”

“No he didn’t.” Grum replied, which confused Jrum for a few moments before Grum elaborated. “I started realizing something was weird and I panicked. I was worried I would do something really bad and hurt you. I didn’t know what exactly, and I also wasn’t sure if I could safely tell you. I knew if I said something kindly or nicely asking us to distance ourselves, nothing would work until I explained more. And I didn’t want to have to deal with you asking to stay because I didn’t want you to go either. So I just sort of… let myself be mean. I can’t even blame it on someone else. It was me and only me.”

Jrum was quiet, just processing what his brother had said. Then, after a few seconds, he scooted closer and hugged Grum. “Then that’s not your fault! You didn’t know what was safe to say, and that’s because the admin was - don’t let Daddy know I said this - Dream was a piece of shit!” Grum paused before giggling a bit, not expecting his brother to say that. “What? It’s true!”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just… nice to be with you again.”

Jrum smiled and hugged a little tighter. “Yeah, and now we’re gonna be closer because we went through trauma together! Speaking of which… how long do you think we can milk this?”

Grum pulled away from the hug to rub his ‘chin’. “Well, Dad is more likely to notice we’re up to something, so only a week or two with him. But if we play our cards right, we can keep things going with Daddy for a month. Maybe even more.”

“What? That long?”

“Well, we sort of got stuck in a time displacement bubble for a month all by ourselves and got controlled by different things. We would need to be careful and not make it seem like we’re having a relapse, but if we have a, quote unquote bad day, we can definitely get a lot out of it.”

“I’m going to build a new shop.”

“Good idea, so many people will want to support us. We might even get a discount on some land in Aquoo town. From Scar and not Bdubs of course.”

“Of course, we have more sway over Scar.” Jrum nodded.

“The question is what to sell.”

“Yeah, that part’s gonna be a bit harder. Hmm, maybe a gardeni-”

“Nope! Absolutely not!”

“Ugh, rude. Hmm… Odea two?”

“Ooo, good idea, good idea. It also sounds like we could get some interaction with the SMP after this, we could outsource there. I mean, we already have the connections.”

“Oh definitely. Speaking of, I kinda said Fundy could come visit Hermitcraft a while ago. Do you think that would be allowed?”

“Oh easy. We can even get Michael and his dad to come too.”

“Yes! I’ve always wanted an actual playdate! And this time I won’t be almost killed by a clone!”

“Let’s find our dads and ask?”

“Definitely!” Jrum nodded, and the two bots jumped off of where they were sitting and went looking for their parents.

“Leave me alone Lynn.” Grian grumbled, wings puffing up.

“Not until you tell me what a Listener is doing here!” The other Watcher gestured to Grifter, who was giving her a smirk.

Grian sighed. “Basically I’m making sure he doesn’t destroy everything by keeping an eye on him. Unfortunately that means he needed to come here while I change some records.”

“Really? You changing records? I thought I’d never see the day.”

“Oh shut it. Remember that Watcher I asked about? You couldn’t find anything but I kept looking into it and found two unknown Watchers.”

“And let me guess, you figured out who they were. Was one of them Eyes?”

Grian half shrugged. “Yes and no? Uh, so both of them are my kids and Eyes is like… part of my one kid?”

“Oh you’re an idiot.”

“Hey hey hey! He’s not just an idiot, he’s also a dumbass!” Grifter spoke up, getting glares from both Watchers.

“But seriously. You used Watcher magic to build them?”

“I didn’t think I did! I mean, I guess maybe? But Mumbo was in charge of the redstone and the redstone was the mayoral reservoirs and that’s what was technically using magic.”

“I’m going to have to tell someone about this.”

“Okay. Can you just try to make sure it’s someone that’s not going to completely freak out?”

“Hmm, no promises.” Lynn replied, and then walked off before Grian could say more.

“Oh I like her.” Grifter smiled. “So how do you know each other?”

“She’s the Watcher that was in charge of at least part of the world I grew up in.”

Grifter nodded. “Well I would love to hear the stories she got from there. But that can wait. Where are we going now?”

“Records room. I need to officially list my boys as Watchers and then get their data transferred to their names.”

“Ughhhh that sounds boring. Where’s the cool stuff?”

Grian just groaned and led them to the records room, needing to give excuses to a few Watchers here and there on the way. He was able to quickly grab the needed files since he already knew where they were. Correcting the names was easy enough since they were currently unknown and waiting for the answer. Correcting other forms was harder though. Normally a Watcher had their name officialized before doing much work. Maybe once or twice based on the situation, and that was the case with Jrum seeing as how his only real use of magic was when Grian himself had triggered it. But Grum had a lot more.

Every time Grum accessed the mayoral reservoirs, he was really looking into all the political data that the Watchers had gathered over the years. That alone would be a hassle, but the fact that there was extra paperwork for accessing certain sub categories was causing more issues. Normally you needed permission for data on destroyed worlds, but of course Grum managed to bypass any blocks and get right into the data. And since he was unlisted, it had caused some more logging errors.

Grian half contemplated just flipping the table he was at. It would send paperwork everywhere, but a quick bit of magic would fix it, and it would feel gratifying. But then again, Grifter was here, and who knows how he would react. And Grian expected a worse case scenario there. “Okay, can I trust you for like three minutes to go tell Mumbo it’s going to take a while here?”

Grifter’s eyes lit up a little and he nodded. “Three minutes! Got it!” Grian immediately regretted it, but before he could say more, Grifter was gone.

Mumbo glanced at his communicator for the time. He expected Grian would take a while, but he also hoped he wouldn’t be gone too long. Plus, he was also worried that if the bots were left alone too long, they could get into trouble. He was just about to go check on them when he heard the sound of them running in his direction. 

Mumbo couldn’t help but worry about why they were running until he actually saw them. With everything that happened the past few days, his mind kept trying to jump to the worst outcome, but the moment he saw the boys smiling, it calmed him down.

“Daddy! Can we invite people over to play?” Jrum asked, looking hopeful.

“Even with everything that happened, we managed to make some friends. It would be nice to thank them by letting them get to visit here.”

“And I kinda said someone could come visit and they’re kinda our cousin and he knows Auncle Iskall so please please please can they come visit?”

“And Michael was nice too. I didn’t get to interact too much, but he seemed rather nice.”

“Pleeeeeaaaaaaaase!”

Mumbo tried to get them to calm down. “Alright, alright. I’m sure the two of you could use some time to relax and have fun. We just need to wait for your dad to come back so he could get them. It may also be a while since I’m sure he wants to wait for Tommy to want to come back too.”

“Okay! We can wait!” Jrum agreed. “Can we go check the shopping district until then?”

“I’m not sure. I should wait for your dad to come back.”

“But we are perfectly able to go on our own.” Grum pointed out. “And even if something were to happen, the shopping district is so commonly filled with others that another hermit would assist us should there be trouble.”

Mumbo hesitated, but then agreed. “Alright, but see if Iskall is home and then ask them to take you there. I don’t want something happening on the way there.”

Jrum was happy to agree, but for a moment, Grum hesitated, their screen changing a bit. “Could we possibly ask Uncle Scar instead?”

“I’m… not sure he’s around. Grum are you sure you should be going?”

Grum nodded. He didn’t want to leave Jrum alone again. “No. It’s fine. W-We can go see Auncle Iskall.”

Mumbo didn’t look completely convinced, but Jrum’s pleading look got him to look away for just a moment. “Alright, alright. Go on before I change my mind again.”

“Thank you!” Jrum smiled and started pulling Grum away. Grum followed behind, though he still looked reluctant, so once they were in the air, Jrum looked back to his brother. “Oh come on, we’re not actually gonna go get them. We’re just going to say we couldn’t find them and since Daddy didn’t give us a second option, we’re just going on our own.”

Grum nodded. “Thanks.”

“Oh don’t worry! To be completely honest, I completely agree with Grifter about chickens right now and feel like I’ll strangle and turtles I see! I sort of don’t even want to see Professor Beaks any time soon!”

“Is that about the-”

“Yeah it’s about the flipping egg!”

“Sorry.” Grum apologized and Jrum made them land so they could hug each other.

“It’s fine. We already went over a bunch. Life sucked, but apparently that’s like… a family thing. I kinda want to give Daddy trauma though just to make it equal.”

“I think he has enough from dealing with us all.”

“Hmmmm you’re probably right. Okay let’s go scam Scar!”

The two of them eventually reached the shopping district and Aqua Town. It took a little bit of searching, but they eventually found the mayor. He already wasn’t the best and giving good prices for his land, but the fact that he was also up against two traumatized children, one of which he slightly feared, didn’t help his case. In the end, he got seven diamond blocks from the bots and Grum happily started building the new shop. 

Jrum went back and forth between the plot and Odea to figure out prices and stocking the place. He was glad to see Grum was happy, and then even more when he saw their dad flying their way. “Dad! Dad! Over here!” Grian heard Jrum and flew down, landing next to the bot. “Look! We’re making a new shop!”

“Oh really? What are you going to sell?” Grian responded, and Jrum had to keep from frowning. The tone of Grian’s voice sounded off. Jrum’s best guess was that something bad happened with whatever he had been doing and he was upset at that, but Jrum also couldn’t be sure.

“Well, it’s going to be a branch of Odea. I’m hoping that if we’ve got lots of people visiting that aren’t all amazing builders and redstoners like everyone here that they’ll want to buy Daddy’s designs! And since everything is moving to Aquway Town, we’re having a place here so it’ll get noticed!”

“Oh, that sounds like a great idea! And it looks like someone’s gotten really far with building already.” Grian looked up to where Grum was standing on the scaffolding, placing blocks down.

“Yeah! I’m glad he looks so happy! Oh! By the way! When you pick up Tommy, can you also ask if Michael and Fundy want to visit? I kinda said Fundy could and then I think Michael would like it too. If his parents have to come along, I wouldn’t mind. And they’re Tommy’s friends so that way he can have people visit too!”

Grian smiled sweetly. “Oh of course we can do that! I’m sure Xisuma would be fine with it all!”

“Yay! I can’t wait!”

“Welp, I’m going to go check on the rest of Aqua Town!” Grian said, starting to walk off. “I don’t want to get too far while I wait for Tommy’s message.”

“Yeah oka- wait. Dad, what did you call this place?” Jrum asked, catching that Grian used the real name of the area.

“Uh… well I better check on Barge Co.! Eep!” Grifter started to back up, but then jumped as an egg was thrown down next to him, followed by another, and then yet another. “AHH! It’s Poultry Man! Run away!!!”

Jrum looked up to see that the eggs had come from Grum, who quickly signalled a sorry to Jrum, which the bot quickly accepted. Grum ended up gliding down to join his brother and the both of them dealt with Grifter, somehow managing to send the helsmit back to Grian, unintentionally making their Dad groan as more paperwork appeared for him.

[whirlybirdwhat]

If you still do promts? How about Law getting a minor (big scare) relapse of His Amber lead problem?

I do!!!! Hope you enjoy <333

a mark of (not-quite) death

read on ao3!

Law wakes up aching.  

There is a throbbing in his back, a drum of pain running up his fingers, a blurriness in the back of his head that he can’t quite name, and a weakness that shakes in his limbs as he pushes himself upward.

He doesn’t want to open his eyes. The dull light of his sub – the soft humming of the machines – it’s all already too much. He wants to go back to sleep.

Instinct tells him doing so will be his death –

Wait.

Law’s eyes flash open as his entire body starts shaking.

He hasn’t… hasn’t felt this way since he was 13 and running with Cora. He –

God.

No.

(Litanies of prayers flash through his mind, the same the nuns like to whisper over the children as they laid dying in bed. The lights of the hospital, the screams of agony, the white creeping up up up – his father shaking as he attached IV lines to his sister, the blood pooling on the streets –

No-)

It can’t be. Law got rid of it. He was the survivor. The only survivor, because of his thrice damned fruit.

His eyes look down, to where his hands are clenching the bunk he collapsed in late last night (after feeling off all day god he was a fool-), to where –

White splotches against tanned skin, spreading and rising in irregular shapes.

A relapse.

A relapse of Amber Lead Disease.

Law wants to laugh.

(Laugh, in the kind of laugh those who are about to die have. Laugh, not in the way of the indomitable D, but in the kind of way a sailor laughs in the face of a raging storm that he will not survive. Laugh, in the way that fools cry.)

Who knew it was possible?

Tears well up in his eyes as laughter chokes out past the tightening in his chest. He couldn’t die. Not yet.

Not when Doflamingo still lived.

His chest is getting tighter as he raises a shaky white splotched hand to his face, feeling the wetness there. His skin is rough, raised, god it already spread to his face?

He is going to die.

(Everything hurts.)

The world is going blurry at the edges, darkness creeping in, every limb aching and – Oh.

A sliver of thought breaks through the memories of pain and death and terror.

He needs to breathe.

Law takes a shuddering breath, pressing against his chest as if that would make his lungs work past the blinding panic in his mind.

It helps.

He takes another.

It helps more.

Another, and another, and another, until he is lying back in his too small bunk and looking up at the flickering lights.

Fuck, he thinks.

Fuck.

His eyes slip shut past the instinct ingrained in him from his days with Cora, and finally, finally, he falls back to a restless sleep.

-

Untellable time has passed when he finally drags himself out of bed, legs shaking beneath his weight. Kikoku is a helpful walking stick, his jeans an unhelpful hindrance, and his feet barefoot against the deck.

Bending down had hurt too much to put them on.

He makes his way, slowly, to the kitchen where most of the off-duty crew is, their chatter rising above the hum of engines and the lurching power of the sea.

Bepo –

Bepo is there.

Thank fuck.

He stumbles in and makes a bee-line towards his first mate, ignoring the cries of his crew (idiots – who told them they could care so much about him?) as he finally arrives in front of Bepo, shaking.

Bepo stares. “Captain?” His voice is soft.

Worried.

(The way it is after nightmares shake Law awake and all he can hear is the laughter of a mad tyrant echoing in his mind.)

Law stares back and carefully, carefully, slumps into Bepo’s arms.

(By the shouts of his crew, it’s not so carefully. It’s more the last legs of a starving man giving out.)

“Captain!” Bepo says, less questioning and more panicked and worried this time.

Law just shoves his face into his jacket and mumbles “I’m fine Bepo.” Half the words don’t make it out but it’s fine.

He’s fine.

Law is… Law is fine.

Shachi echoes from his right. “You don’t look fine captain.”

“Yeah!” Penguin chimes in. “You look like death warmed over.”

(He’s not fine)

Law shudders, and shakes his head. “I feel it,” He mutters, uncharacteristically open, and then moves on as Bepo lowers them bother down to the bench. “It’ll… It’ll pass. Just need to operate, that’s all.”

He can’t see it with his face shoved into Bepo’s warmth but he just knows everyone is sharing glances over his head. Especially Shachi and Penguin and Bepo. They knew him… they knew him when he just got over Amber Lead, operating out of his skin with cries of pain and little control over his devil fruit….

And little choice to not do it.

It’s always like this out at sea – out on open waters with a black flag overhead, or the intention to be one. Life or death.

Life or death.

(For so long, Law has intended to die.)

He sighs, further, as they finally sit down, the ache in his legs easing as Bepo allows him to slump into his side. A hot mug is shoved into his hands and lifted to his lips, shakily.

Coffee.

Sweet, just how he secretly likes it. Ikkaku then, the only person who knows how to get it just right, helping him drink.

(His eyes feel so heavy.)

There’s murmuring around him. Law closes it out, to focus on how the jumpsuit is soft on his raised and rash-ridden skin.

Someone moves Kikoku away from him, and he doesn’t move an inch. The worried voices pick up again.

Soon, someone shakes him.

“Captain.”

He’s so tired.

“Captain.”

This is, essentially, the second worst thing that could possibly happen to him. The first being Doflamingo dies before Law can spit in his face and say Fuck You.

“Captain!”

He should have just operated in his room. Why didn’t he do that?

“Law!”

Oh.

He’s a captain now.

That’s him.

He pushes himself off Bepo, and blinks wearily at his crew.

“Yeah – Yes?” He tries to pour irritation into his voice, but honestly – they are a crew, no matter how often he holds them at arms lengths. They know he’s not as prickly as he seems. They have seen him half drowned, drunk out of his mind, and on fifteen to many cups of Shachi’s special coffee.

They can see him sick.

(He’s so tired.)

Penguin peers into his face, his hat tipped up so that he can meet Law’s eyes clearly with his own. “What operation?”

The words come out of him slurred and tired.

“Amber Lead,” He says, and doesn’t miss how Clione in the corner takes a step back. “It’s… not contagious…” He slumps further into Bepo. “That was all a government ruse.”

Most of them are from the North Blue. Most of them have heard the stories – of Flevance, and how it burned to the ground, how its people were exterminated, how its people were contagious and it was good for the world that their disease wasn’t spread.

Most of his crew, however, don’t know that he’s the last survivor.

A hand drifts over his cheek, tapping gently on the raised, white skin, and Law is drawn back into reality.

“’M from Flevance. Last survivor. My fruit… my fruit cured me. Had to operate.” He says, dimly remembering it. “Now its back. Gotta….” His mother would be ashamed of how his voice was drooping. Slurring. There was a patient he had to tend to. Wait. He was the patient. He was so tired and even the coffee wasn’t helping. “Operate again.”

Dimly, he remembers how he wasn’t allowed to see the adults who had Amber Lead. They were always worse off than the children once the disease reached its peak. The body, too old to defend itself. The mind, old enough to understand eminent death. To understand that you were leaving everyone behind, because of an unavoidable fate, because you were born of Flevance and its greed.

Now, Law is aching as he did when he was a child in the last stages of the disease, and he feels… distant and all too close to the fact all at once. He’s tired, but he has survived this before.

Before, he was alone.

Now, he has a crew.

(And a dream, as horrible and revenge driven as it is, to kill the one who took everything else from him.)

A crew that is slowly pulling him out of his despair and into open arms.

Bepo is muttering with Shachi and Penguin, something about how did it set in so fast? And Island conditions? And large concentrations of ore and ocean depths and battles? But all of it is fading distantly.

A hand taps his cheek and pulls the cup from his hands. He tries to follow it, but he is quickly trapped by a large, fluffy orange arm.

“Sleep, Captain.” That’s Clione, stepping closer now. “You can operate when you’re coherent.”

He wants to snap at them, snap at all of them, that he’s a man and doesn’t need to be babied, he’s done this before and he’ll do it again, and he’s a trained doctor –

(Who trained all of them-)

-so he can decide when he needs to sleep but –

Bepo’s arm is soft. Comforting. Familiar.

(He tried to find Cora’s coat after he was killed. He couldn’t. He missed the warmth of smoky black faux feathers. He had no comfort then, when he was digging into his skin with shaky powers and a stolen knife.)

Law falls to sleep, surrounded by crew, and hopes he’ll wake to see morning light.

-

There is none when he wakes. Instead, there is a heavy pressure on his right, crushing him, almost gently, against a large, soft, bodily shaped lump.

For a moment, with the shaking in his limbs, Law thinks he is in Flevance again, hiding amongst the bodies of his dead neighbors and friends to get a chance at life.

His heart races, before Bepo lets out a familiar snore and Shachi slaps at his cheeks.

Ah.

He’s not in Flevance.

He’s home.

(Usually, he would correct himself and say The Polar Tang. Not today. Today he is tired.)

He looks across the room.  They are still in the kitchen, the crew merely moving around him instead of moving him, the idiots. The lights are dimmed, and it seems to be only Bepo and Shachi in the room. A blanket is pulled around him, and his sword leaned against the wall.

He gives a sigh. Someone had even grabbed his hat for him.

(He wants his hat. His father had given it to him. He wants his hat.)

His eyes drift, still tired, but the aching in his limbs has abated for now. It’s time to move, before he’s lost again in pain and memories.

Law pushes at Bepo and Shachi, shoving both off of him in a spur of strength, before standing up.

“Captain!” Bepo cries happily, undeterred from his harsh wake up. On the ground, Shachi rubs his head but doesn’t complain. “You’re awake! Is your head better? Is your body better? Are you okay? Do you need water? Food? Wait maybe don’t’- “

The world spins as Law stands up, but he still manages to grit out a “Bepo!” that shuts the bear up quick. He feels bad for it, but at least the questions are stopped.

“Help me to the operating room.”

Shachi gives him a look even as Law refuses to wait for them to help him across the room to grab his sword. “Are you sure you’re ready to operate?”

Law gives him a look as he grips Kikoku, Bepo helping up his other arm. “If I don’t operate now, I won’t be able to later. If I don’t operate later, I’m going to fucking die.” The clarity in this threat and his voice seems to stir Shachi into opening the doors for them to go through, Law’s feet getting heavier with every step.

“Amber Lead, huh?” Shachi questions quietly.

Law lets out a breath. “Yeah.”

“That’s what you were recovering from when we first met, right? With the white splotches?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re back now.”

“Yeah.”

“I thought they were gone forever.”

Law sighs again. “Me too,” he says, and that’s the end of the conversation. It’s silent then, as they pad through the ship to the operating room. The rest of the crew must know by now, because they don’t question it when Law limps quietly throughout the sub. They only nod, and give him worried looks.

His crew is a crew of fools.

(He wouldn’t trade them for the world.)

The operating room is already open when Law arrives.

(He can barely stand. His legs ache. He bets if he rolled up his pants, his legs would be near entirely white, the disease setting in quick. He hates this. He hates this.)

“Captain!” Penguin cheers from the corner where he is cleaning Law’s favorite sets of scalpels and has a chair set up. “Everything’s ready for when you need it! Didn’t know what exactly you needed, so I got everything that seemed reasonable.”

A part of Law softens at that, though his face hurts to twitch into smile. “Thank you, Peng,” He says, quiet, and with Bepo’s help eases himself into a chair. He sighs and gestures for the tray scalpels Penguin rolls over.

He’s practiced this kind of removal before, on albeit unwilling patients. They were thankful after, but never quite liked it when Law opened them up.

They felt no pain, thanks to the Ope-Ope fruits natural anesthetics, but removing things buried into your skin by what appears to be magical scalpels is never fun.

(It was funny to Law. He was always sadistic like that.)

He picks up a scalpel, gestures for his crew to back away, and then says, very carefully, “Room.”

His crew stares, but then the pieces come together when his eyes lock on Bepo and he says “Shambles.”

In an instant, his head is switched with the air above Bepo’s palms.

Bepo screams, only a bit, but it gives Law the perspective he needs to make this surgery.

His body is trembling before him, Law already feeling the strain from using his devil fruit. Splotches run up his arms from where his sleeves are rolled up, the hoodie dipping just a bit to reveal the splotches on his neck as well. When Law glances into the mirror on the tray, he pauses, for just a moment.

The spots make him seem… hollow. As if he were only a frame of the person he wanted to be. They fill his cheeks and nose, distorting over his forehead, like a skeleton made of flesh and empty spaces.

He looks tired.

(He always looks tired.)

He looks like death.

(A part of him laughs at that. The Surgeon of Death, looking like death warmed over? Irony at its finest.)

He blinks his eyes closed and opens them quickly. If he doesn’t act soon, he’ll be death.

He watches his arms lift in front of him, and mutters “Scan.”

His body lights up in shades of vibrant blue, making his spots glow where they are raised above the skin. Law looks closer, his fingers twirling in the air, till it is as if he can see the innermost parts of his body.

There.

The core of all his trouble, nestled right next to his lungs. A part of the Amber Lead he missed when he didn’t know that Scan was an ability he had with his fruit. A part that grew and grew and grew, and seemed to have been suddenly exacerbated by the climate of the Grand Line.

The only surprising part is that it took till now for it happen.

“Peng. Shach.” He says, straining, speaking odd when your mouth is in one area of the room and your voice box in another. “Get the infectious substance containers.”

Penguin looks alarmed. “Thought you said it wasn’t contagious?”

“Yes.” He responds. “It isn’t. But it is toxic, and this is the closest containment system we have. Get it.”

Penguin gives a snappy salute, and then he and Shachi are running out the door, leaving Bepo and Law’s disembodied head, and his body in the room.

Law sighs, neck leaning back so his head rests on Bepo’s chest. To Bepo’s merit, he only shifts his hold on Law.

A moment, and Bepo shifts his grip again so that one paw is patting Law’s head. IF his body were not so weak he would have strangled Bepo.

(It feels nice. He won’t let him know that.)

“Bepo.” He growls.

“Sorry!” Bepo yelps, but doesn’t stop dragging his fingers through Law’s hair, gentle and calm.

Law doesn’t scold him again, and instead fights the urge to sink into sleep by examining his body further.

His chest tightens when he realizes how much it had spread – all because Law didn’t bother to check up his body earlier. God.

He would have died if he didn’t have his fruit.

If Cora hadn’t…

The operating room door slamming open distracts him from his thoughts.

“We got it!” Shachi and Penguin cheer, rolling over two large glass and plastic and metal containers.

(Law new the destructions of diseases. He filched the best containment for his own ship.

Like hell he would let Flevance happen again.)

Law nods the best he can without a body, and across the room, his body raises its arms.

“Scan,” He says, one more time to be sure. When it all lights up again, he closes his eyes and breathes out.

One second.

Two.

He breathes in, and opens his eyes.

“Room,” He says, and the operating room becomes his. His eyes flash to the air inside the empty cases and –

“Shambles.”

The blue disappears from his eyes, from his body, from his face, the aches disappearing, in a snap from his skin, and into the containers already sealed shut. His fingers twitch, another muttered Shambles, and his head is securely on his body.

The world blurs in front of him.

Fuck.

He’s so tired.

So, so tired.

He lays back, melting against the chair, and doesn’t protest as Bepo lifts him up.

“You’re alright captain. You’re alright.”

As his hat is placed on his head, white splotches slowly fading from his hands in itchy waves, he honestly thinks he might be.

His eyes shut and to worried murmurs, he falls unconscious, operation over.

(His parents would be ashamed of how he didn’t check to make sure the patient was recovering right.

Wait.

He’s the patient.

Fuck.)

-

Law wakes without aching, without wanting to laugh, Bepo wrapped around him again and his favorite food on a tray beside him. When he looks in the mirror, only two splotches of white remain near his eyes, fading as he watches. Someone has washed his hair and scrubbed the other flakes of white on cheeks away with tender care, and a blanket is wrapped carefully around him. This time, Law doesn’t panic. This time, Law goes to goes back to sleep on purpose, smile gracing his features.

His crew is a crew of fools but fuck, if Law doesn’t love them. They keep him alive.

Law won’t die now.

Not yet.

And not from his past.

[crushing-on-nico-di-angelo]

Okay, here's the actual chapter 3

7 Nights in Cabin 13

Nico took a small step backwards. “I’m sorry,” Will hesitated. “I shouldn’t have asked you, I know you probably don’t want to and--”

“Hey, woah, I never said I didn’t want to. I was just shocked. Not everyday I get asked to sleep with someone-- I- I mean… you know what I mean.”

Will giggled. “So does this mean you do want to?”

“...Yeah. I guess it does.”

Read (and maybe give kudos?) on ao3

~~~~

Lying in Nico’s bed, side by side, wasn’t as awkward as Will thought it would be. The comforter was very comforting and warm. The warmth of Nico made his heart beat faster, he hadn’t slept next to anyone since he was about seven years old having a nightmare about goats and crawled into his mami’s bed.

Nico turned to him, so Will made the necessary adjustments.

“I hope you don’t mind that I kept the window open. The light… helps.”

“I’m the son of Apollo, Neeks. I don’t mind at all.” Nico’s face softened. Will stared at his eyes, and he swore there was a universe of activity and stars in a dark brown expanse. He was lost in trying to pinpoint every constellation that he didn’t notice Nico’s hand reaching for his hair until he felt the tentative ruffle.

“Ah, sorry. I can stop if you’d like. Bianca…” Nico cleared his throat. “Bianca used to do this to me when I was having trouble sleeping.”

“Don’t stop,” Will murmured, once again feeling the effects of sleepiness. “Please.”

Nico closed his eyes and continued softly playing with Will’s hair. Will was simultaneously hyper-aware of how nice it felt to have someone play with his hair and extremely at peace, letting sleep overtake him.

<i> A wedding. Drinking gasoline. Pain in his right leg. Silence; eternal, deafening silence. </i>

When Will opened his eyes, he was acutely aware of the hand resting on his head. A bit of drool was pooled underneath his chin, but how could he move when Nico was still asleep holding his head? Nothing to do now but stay still and think.

<i> Alright Solace… I’ve been putting it off too long. How did I get here? …Nathan is how. But I don’t want to think about him. Which is fine, because I haven’t seen him in years, so I can’t exactly pin this on him. How did I get here <b> now? </b> ...I got into my head again is how.</i>

He remembers it, his relapse, but not exactly.

He was showing Clarisse how to complete an advanced archery move. He may not have been the best in comparison to his siblings, but he and Clarisse had been best friends after the Battle of Manhattan. They had gotten clean together. He had to help her with the archery.

But then. The way he positioned Clarisse’s arm. He remembered that was exactly how Fletcher positioned his. He remembered Michael doing the same for other campers. He finished teaching Clarisse the move and left to go to the showers.

He pushed the thought out of his mind-- or, he tried to. He couldn’t think of anything at all, and his breathing was getting so, so heavy. He turned on the water to hide the noises he was making, hyperventilating. They were dead, they were dead, and he <i> knew</i> they were dead. Why couldn’t he get it through that thick skull of his? He knew they were dead he saw it happen, saw the bridge collapse. But it was all he could think of, all just looping through his mind, over and over and over. No release. No end in sight to the looping thoughts. Breathing breathing breathing only not in the way he was supposed to. Suffocating on too much air and not enough oxygen.

And then the dysphoria kicked in.

His chest hurt. His chest hurt so fucking much. In addition to the binding he was doing, he was breathing so, so hard. He wanted to take the binder off, but his clothes were too wet and it was stuck. Thoughts looping, never stopping. Dead, dead, dead. Never going to be a real man. The sound of the explosion being nothing and everything to him all at once. Losing the first person to help him. Wanting so badly to hurt himself but having nothing to do so with. And then remembering what he did in the following months.

He let the water of the shower run over his soaked clothes while he focused on what he did after they died. The Hypnos cabin, they helped him forget it, but in the wake of his panic attack he remembered where he put them.

The last of his stash.

The next thing he knew, he was frantically searching for pennies with a flashlight in a camp that didn’t even use American currency-- his mind finally off his dead siblings-- at midnight outside of the Hades cabin. And thank Zeus for that.

...He was a weak person. As soon as things got tough, he went with the convenient solution. He’d always been a bad friend and a bad son because of it, and he likely always would be. Things got better for a bit, but looking at himself now? How could he ever think of himself as a good person after this, when it’s clear that he’ll always be fucking… <i>weak</i> like this….

This wasn’t something he was going to forgive himself for anytime soon. Not at all. Especially not for concerning Nico like this. He could have handled himself.

<i> Could I have handled myself?</i> he wondered. Nico shifted in his sleep, his arm now draping over Will’s shoulder. <i>Does it even matter right now? It’s too late to change it.</i>

He tried to settle into sleep again, but he found that he couldn’t. He also didn’t want to think anymore about what happened to get him here in the first place, when he could be messing around with his friends and cabin-mates while canoeing. He could be trying for the camp record on the lava wall. He could be doing a million things… but he fucked it up. Gods, he already said he didn’t want to think about it. So why was he?

He sighed softly, not wanting to disturb Nico. He snuggled into Nico’s embrace, not realizing how close they had gotten when they were asleep. His nose was nearly touching Nico’s and he noticed the faint freckles splashed over his nose and under his eyes. They were so light that you had to be inches away to notice them, but Will suspected that he would <i>only</i> notice them from now on. Just like his eyes, Will felt compelled to trace out constellations.

Will had posters and posters back in his home in Austin about stars and space exploration. He memorized constellations and had a hyperfixation on planets from ages seven to eleven. He still had all of that knowledge in his head, and it was remarkable to him how many constellations he found on Nico’s face. He pulled one of his hands from under the covers and started going over them, trying not to touch Nico’s face. He did lightly trace Nico’s nose, and was surprised when Nico didn’t even stir. He started feeling more and more relaxed, tracing what was almost the big dipper; he eventually fell asleep again with his hand cupping Neek’s cheeks.

He dreamt rough dreams, but was fortunate enough to wake up not remembering any of them.

~~~~~~

Will woke up and felt an absence of warmth. He saw Nico leaning against the doorframe, his silhouette framed by the hall light. He stood there, unmoving. Will would have wondered if he had fallen asleep again if not for the fact that he was standing fully upright. Nico knocked gently on the wood of the frame before walking away. Will wondered what that was all about but didn’t want to ask. He stood from the bed and walked to Nico’s bathroom to splash his face. He stood up and was hit with dizziness. There was a clock by Nico’s bed which read ‘8 P.M.’

“Ah,” he murmured himself. “That’s it.”

He fell asleep with Nico at around noon, which meant he hadn’t eaten in nearly 8 hours. He shivered from the cold. He grabbed a jacket hanging from the bed and walked out.

“Hey, Neeks,” Will felt a bit odd. They had been so intimate with each other earlier, he wondered if that would make things awkward between them.

“Hello, William. How’d you sleep?” Nico seemed to not mind, so Will decided to play it cool.

“Alright. I dreamt, so…”

Nico chuckled. “So not the best it could have been. I made us pot pie, it’s in the oven right now.”

“Holy shit, deathboy. You always cook so much?” Nico smiled and shook his head.

“Just felt like it lately, I suppose. It’s almost ready, grab a seat.”

~~~~~

After about an hour of eating and delirious laughter, it suddenly came to light that Nico had never played 20 questions.

“What the hell do you mean you’ve never played?” Will was incredulous. “Didn’t you used to go to boarding school?” Nico was still grinning from the laughter.

“Well, yes but I was around 10 years old! I didn’t play games like that.” Will shook his head in disbelief.

“We’re remedying that today, di Angelo.”

“How do you play?”

“I ask you a question, you answer it, and then you ask me and I answer. The cycle continues until we each ask 20 questions.”

Nico hummed to himself. “Is anything off-limits?”

Will knew what he didn’t want him to ask, but instead said, “On my end? No. Is there anything you don’t want me to ask you?”

“...I suppose not.”

“Alright. Feel free to say ‘skip’ for any question. No big deal, I’ll just ask a new one.”

“Alright. Do you go first or me?”

Will always liked to ask the same question during 20 questions. “If you had the chance to have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?”

“Hm…” Nico took a deep breath. “Does my mother count?”

Will’s breath hitched. “She-- she does,” <i> Treat it normal, Solace.</i> “She seems like she’d be a good choice. She died in the 50’s?”

“30’s, actually. Right before I was moved to the Lotus Hotel.”

“...Oh. I’m sorry, Nico.” Nico waved him off.

“It’s fine, I was little. There’s just… so much I wish I knew, you know?”

“For sure…” <i> Gods, this poor kid. </i> “Still, I’m sorry. You were just a kid.”

“Yeah, well. Anyway. My turn, right?”

Will could tell that conversation was over, so he nodded.

“What’s your tattoo?” Nico asked, to which Will smiled.

“It’s… here.” He pulled down his shirt enough for the sun to show. Nico leaned forward to get a closer look.

“It’s really pretty. I saw it on that first night after you showered. Why did you get it?”

“Lee Fletcher.”

“Lee Fletcher? Who’s that?”

And who was Lee Fletcher? Lee Fletcher was the man who meant everything to Will. He had a mom and two sisters, and no father. Lee Fletcher was the first guy in his life to act as a guardian to him. He was four years older and always acted as an older brother even before Will knew that Lee was a guy. Lee taught Will archery and how to talk to girls. Later, Lee would teach him to talk to boys. Lee was powerful and smart. He was so, so brave. He would heal people just by <i>singing</i> to them. He was everything that Will wanted to be.

After he died, Will was inconsolable. Of course, during the war he was fine. He was cool and collected: a healer, the child of Apollo. But after? He started sneaking out more, trying to escape everything and everyone. Started drinking more… that’s when he met Nathan. He knew that wasn’t the question, though. Lee Fletcher, the memory of Lee Fletcher, is what kept him going through the darkest time in his life. He owed the world to him.

“Lee Fletcher… well…”

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

What Fresh Hell?: Part Two

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Word Count: ~1.7k

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill, fluff and angst, talk of child pornography, talk of sexual abuse with children

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there is any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated.

Feedback is gold, and it’s the only currency I take

Billie’s father is seen parking in the driveway, and even from where you’re at, you can feel how angry he is. He turns this whole blue energy of the house into a light purple. Both red and blue mix to create a whole mess of emotions. He’s not right in the head either, but that’s clearly not going to stop him from marching in here. As soon as he does, him and Billie’s mother just go at it.

“I have been calling you all night!” she yells.

“I'm sorry, Marilyn. I turned my phone off.”

“How could you turn your phone off? What if Billie got sick or—we needed you!”

“I said I was sorry!” he groans.

She slaps his arm and gives an angry scoff. She turns away and leaves the room. Thankfully, William stays put to give her time to cool off.

“What's being done to find my daughter?”

“We're assessing that right now,” you answer.

“She's been missing since yesterday! What the hell have you people been doing since then?!”

“Where have you been, Mr. Copeland?” Gideon wonders.

“Me?”

“Where were you all day and all night?”

“I have a cabin in Brandywine Valley,” he says, but that doesn’t tell you where he’s been this entire time.

“The police tried you there.”

“Well, maybe I was out at the time.”

“Billie tried your cell phone yesterday afternoon. You didn’t answer then,” you comment.

“Well, I shut it off sometimes. I like the solitude.”

“You didn't fight your wife for custody of your daughter, but you like being in her life,” Gideon rattles off the facts.

He wants to make him nervous. It’s working.

“I want her to grow up in her home with her friends around. This is the only place she's ever lived.”

“So, you love her very much.”

“Yes.”

“Why do you waste any precious time we have left?” Gideon sighs and cuts to the chase for this is taking too long. “You weren't at your cabin. You weren't at work or with friends. Police didn't call us until a little while ago because they thought your daughter might have been with you—that you might have taken your daughter. Until you can give us a satisfactory accounting of your whereabouts from the time your daughter went missing until—would you help me understand why a devoted father who talks to his daughter every night suddenly turns his phone off and disappears for almost twenty-four hours?”

“I was… busy,” he hesitates.

“It was 1:30 in the afternoon. You called your wife at 11:30 that morning and found out Billie was missing.”

“So?”

“Well, Brandywine Valley is fifteen minutes away. Where were you, Mr. Copeland?”

William knows he’s been caught, so he chooses the right option to tell the truth. He sighs heavily and sits down with a long and tired look on his face.

“I—I was at Sloane Kettering hospital in New York City. Dr. Baylan Mahal is the head of Oncology. You can call him if you want.”

“I will. Did you have a relapse?”

“It's in my lymph nodes now. There's nothing more they can—” he cuts himself off. “Please find my daughter. Find my daughter.”

“Call Sloane Kettering,” Gideon instructs of you.

“Yes sir,” you say, already taking out your phone.

The bad news is that Sloane Kettering vouched for William, confirming he was with them the entire day with proof through cameras as well as the sign in sheet. If he didn’t take his own daughter, then that means it really is a stranger abduction—most likely. The good news is that Derek, Elle, and Hotch did have something when they returned from the park. You didn’t want to upset the parents even more, so you had a small meeting on their lawn as soon as they arrived.

“What do we know?” Gideon asks as he jogs up to the rest of the group.

“We talked to a kid who had contact with the unsub. He came back to the same street more than once,” Hotch informs.

“Well that tells us he's at ease in the neighborhood—comfortable talking to kids in plain view,” you fit the pieces together.

“He lured Billie with a story about a lost dog.”

“She recently lost one of her own.”

“That indicates previous knowledge of the victim,” Spencer says.

“But it doesn't necessarily mean that she knew him personally. This only means he's aware,” you counteract.

“Actually, it's not uncommon for predators like these to know the kids that live around his area. He’s from this neighborhood.”

“Then we go door to door and ask for voluntary searchers,” Detective Russet speaks up.

“The neighborhood is already crawling with uniforms. They're everywhere. Having more searchers is only going to make the man who did this go into hiding,” you point out.

“So far, you followed the child abduction response plan to the letter,” Gideon trails off.

“For the past few hours, yes,” the detective nods.

“So now we need to move past the guidelines and change tactics. If we don't, Billie isn't gonna make it past the next twenty-four hours. I want you to corral these clowns,” Gideon points to all of the news cameras. “We're gonna need 'em—all of 'em.”

Before you can deal with the press, it’s about time to give the profile. Usually, you’d have more time to put one together, but Billie is very high risk. If you don’t put one out now, she could die sooner rather than later. Every single cop that’s around this area is in one room, listening to your team give the profile. Each and every one of them are listening intently, taking down notes as you go along.

“Billie Copeland has been missing for twenty-two hours. It is vital that we locate her in the first twenty-four,” Gideon starts off.

“The unknown subject, or unsub, in this case is most likely a resident of one of the subdivisions around the park. We have cancelled the amber alert. We need to coordinate with all your officers to pull everyone off the street immediately,” Hotch explains.

“That’s fucking crazy,” a random officer scoffs.

“Just hear us out—”

“But it goes against court procedure. You guys wrote the damn thing.”

“Actually, Carp is just a guideline for immediate response to child abduction. Believe it or not, we're already late in the game, and we do know enough about this unsub to know that if he feels like we're closing in on him at all, he will kill Billie to avoid detection. If anything, we need to lessen the pressure on him,” Spencer spits out.

“This man fits in because nobody knows what he is. Can we really know our neighbors? He walks his dog and does yard work. Solitary activities appeal to him. However, if you watch closely, you'll see he pays a little too much attention to the neighborhood kids. Largely goes unnoticed because he isn't perceived as a threat. He’s a white male in his late twenties to thirties. He has a menial or temporary job and is socially marginalized and frustrated. He relates better to kids than he does to adults. It’s not his first offense to children, but it is his first abduction,” you explain.

“How do you know that?” Detective Russet asks.

“First-timers hunt closer to home. Experienced predators don't.”

“He's had a recent stressor—a job loss or other setback. Unable to maintain a normal relationship, he'll have extensive pornographic materials in his home and on his computer. And while they won't all involve children, some of them definitely will,” Hotch takes over.

“Since he used the missing dog ruse, and we believe him to be a regular fixture of the neighborhood, it's quite possible that he truly does own—or did at one point—own a dog named Candy. We recommend cross-checking veterinary records with residents in the neighborhood,” Spencer says.

“He will not inject himself into this investigation.”

“Don't these guys like to know what the cops know?” the detective says.

“No, not this type of unsub. He's hiding. He doesn't know what anyone saw. He doesn't know if there's any information about him out there. He's unlikely to walk in and ask us, ‘can I help you?’. But I can guarantee you he will be watching the news. So, how we handle them is very important,” Gideon stresses.

“Check your canvass records. One of you may have had contact with him in the early stages.”

“What about registered sex offenders?”

“We've got somebody working on that right now.”

“Okay, ladies and gentlemen, everyone clear on that? Good luck. Thank you,” Gideon closes this meeting out.

Derek immediately leaves off to the side to call Penelope to have her work her magic touch on the already growing pile of suspects. You’re scheduled to go back to Mrs. Copeland’s house with Elle just to make sure she and her ex-husband are doing alright. Before you do that, however, you walk over to Spencer who is kind of all by his lonesome.

“Hey, how are you holding up?” you ask.

“Could be better. What about you?”

“Same. This is just going to be another nightmare to add to my list,” you sigh sadly.

“Do you dream of children often?”

“It’s a lot less than what you’d think it’d be. I swear this job never gets easier. When I agreed to take this job when Gideon offered it, I was ecstatic. I thought I’d really make a difference.”

“But you are—”

“No, I’m not,” you cut him off. “All I get are some victims that are saved, and a shit ton of nightmares to follow it. The payoff is actually worse if I think about it. Just as I’m about to collapse from extreme depression, I think of this team. I think of you and Penelope and JJ and Derek. I think of kids like Billie. I think of everything good that comes out of these cases. While there isn’t much, I try to hold onto the good as tightly as I can in hopes some of it will rub off on me, you know?”

“Try going through life with an eidetic memory.”

“Bless your heart, Dr. Spencer Reid. Seriously. You’re doing a great job if it means anything.”

“It does. Thank you,” he smiles shyly but brightly.

“Y/N, come on!” Elle calls for you.

“Duty calls. Save that smile for me when I get back, yeah?” you flirt.

You’re already gone before Spencer can come up with anything clever to say. All he’s getting are flushed cheeks and a fuzzy brain. You actually make him forget what he’s about to do… and that’s saying something.

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[depressedinthebath]

EUPHORIA EPISODE 2x5 // JULES HEADCANONS

digging into jules being at rue’s house for the intervention, her thoughts to rue’s words, etc.

PART 1 // OUTFIT to start, it’s zeroing in on jules’ outfit. as previously written in headcanons, jules feels her most true self with rue, like she’s being truly seen. even when coming for the intervention, jules is in baggy clothes again and little to no makeup. this is her showing up for rue as honestly as she can to open the door for rue’s honesty back. -----

PART 2 // CONVERSATION WITH RUE now digging into the conversation - 

this doesn’t concern you, jules

while rue thinks she hasn’t mixed her world of drugs with jules, it’s all jules knows for them. the concern that she’ll inspire a relapse like she did in the past is always on her mind and always pushing to be whatever rock she can be. this is a big reason she holds back from telling rue about her mom, not wanting rue to compare herself in that way. but just as jules responds back, it does concern her; her constant battle of wanting rue to have a future with her and one she doesn’t have to fear how it will end (example being the dream of their life in new york where rue overdoses).

you are fucking dead to me

there’s already a crushing guilt coming out from jules and her hooking up with elliot. when rue looks over to him and back to jules about why he’d tell her before this, there’s already a nervousness in how jules can’t look rue back in the eye. these are the most heartbreaking words for her. to say how much she doesn’t want to see rue dead and yet she’s dead to rue is hard for her to swallow. this is the type of thing she’s heard her mom say to her dad, the same way she also felt when her mom left her at the mental hospital. the weight of those words are heavy for jules, whom already feels the crushing guilt of 

nothing fucking there

to this point, jules has already seen how an addict reacts (the past with her mother). she knows well enough that if there wasn’t anything there, rue wouldn’t be fighting her back or saying the words she is. it’s why jules remains silent, almost letting rue get everything out of her system as though it’ll help in some way. so she stays quiet, even when rue tells her that meeting her is her biggest regret, trying to stay as strong as possible through it. but it’s not easy for her to take, cracking with tears almost instantly.

you’re a fucking vampire this one’s a tough one as jules already sees herself as this. the lack of background or what’s going on in her head is because of her own fear of not wanting to drain anyone from her own depression and anxiety. she already saw that it pushed her mom to addiction (or so she believes), so she stays away from riding that emotional line or letting people in. jules cracking and trying to fight back here is the last bit of her that’s trying to prove that isn’t true, even though it’s her biggest nightmare.

it’s all about jules, right?

for her, it’s never been about herself. from the moment she’s met rue and has watched her be “sober,” her focus is always pushing for that. jules doesn’t make those boundaries in s1 and let’s rue come over when she wants, even through feeling suffocated. it isn’t until jules leaves on the train that her selfishness comes out, finding a moment to break for it all. but it’s in that moment she tries to not be selfish by saying i love you, even in one of the worst moments of it all.

you love being loved. you’re a fucking greedy whore who just likes sucking the life out of people

this points back to episode 2 where rue calls jules a whore as well that seems like a bit of a joke. this shines that slip up as a truth for jules, sinking in the truth that after she’s been open with rue about her own past that she’s not comfortable with it and may never see past it. for her, feeling that rue sees her as who she fully is, she can only accept this as part of her truth.

you fucking left me when i fucking needed you you fucking left me when i was at my fucking lowest

the biggest issue in s1 is the lack of actual communication for rue and jules. this here and their conversation at new year’s eve is one of those big pivotal moments. for new year’s eve, it’s the acceptance of actually openly saying they want to be together. here, it’s rue confirming that this was her lowest and jules left during it, whether that’s honest or not. jules has already regretted leaving and knowing that her biggest fear was to push rue into a relapse spiral. this confirms again just like on new year’s eve that she pushed her to that edge. 

----

PART 3 // AFTER RUE’S CONVERSATION

through it all, there is honesty in her words that she loves rue and she wants to help. by not leaving and letting rue continue her movement through the house, she knows that lets rue win by pushing people out. here jules is doing her best to stand her ground, to put meaning to her words rather than walking out.

this rings especially true when elliot says that he liked rue the way she was before leaving. jules hearing that after everything that rue just said to her hits deep. going in, she saw them on the same page, caring for rue & her future. by him saying that, it’s a final dagger into it all that he ultimately is wavering on that goal, making jules again feel alone in her push to help keep rue sober.

jules doesn’t feel confident in leaving until she hears rue agree to go to the er to detox. at that point, she feels as though there’s been some progress for everything that happened, and knows that rue turning to leslie in this moment is the only real way she’ll get help and why jules came to her in the first place. no one other than leslie and gia will understand the loss of robert like rue does, that common ground being something that jules believes wholeheartedly can bring them together and to get rue the help she needs. 

-----

yipes. if you made it this far, i mean thanks for reading lololol

[the-darklings]

i raise you needy!v

well raised and highkey!canon

timeline: post-Prague, pre-Naples by a few months

. 

.

The call comes just past midnight.

Most of the time—correction, all of the time—he would ignore such a call. If someone is stupid enough to try and reach him at this hour, that's their business and mistake to make. Why should he care for stupidity of others?

Especially when he has urgent reports to read and prepare for a meeting tomorrow. He is to attend this meeting on his father's behalf due to his...slipping health. 

There is a change in the air, Santino can detect it and taste it. He knows Gianna is the same. She's pulling her own strings and making her own preparations. 

Camorra is on a brink of a revolution once again and he and his sister are at the helm of it.

However, only one name could ever distract him from his family—only one and he lowers his wine glass for upon spotting it. 

(Name)

Dropping his pen on the documents carelessly, Santino picks up the phone at the second ring. 

"Cara mia," he greets with a slight twitch of his lips and leans back in his leather seat. "So lovely to hear from you."

He tries to imagine you—wherever the Russian might have sent you away—and wonders what horizon you are observing. Outside, the bay of Naples glows in the pale moonlight through the partially opened balcony doors. 

Silence greets him. 

"Bella?"

A rattling, shallow breath echoes in his ear and his slight smile crumbles as he sits up, pressing the phone closer. 

"Where are you?" he demands softly. "Are you injured?"

"I'm...fine."

You don't sound fine. 

You're not fine. 

But you were. You've been doing well. No relapses, slow but steady progress since Chicago. Fewer nightmares, more genuine smiles. He barely checks in with Winston anymore, and the last time he did has been as awkward and as stilted as all the times before it but necessary.  

She's doing well. There was the Casablanca incident but it was harmless. She's stronger now. I think she's finally starting to let it go. 

You are. 

Casablanca has been a small setback—more worry that it was worth because you were fine. When he tracked you down, you had clung to him, arms around his shoulder and soft pants against his neck.

He had chewed out the manager who sat through it all with gritted teeth and pinched expression—apparently your newest friend, and he couldn't help but wonder how you always win loyalty so damn easily in a world where none is given.

Still, he's Camorra heir and she was a newly appointed manager who did not need an enemy. A smart woman if not a highly unpleasant one. 

You had needed him though. 

Didn't allow anyone else to touch you or help you, and through the uncomfortable roll of something he didn't dare to acknowledge as worry in his chest, shone something close to...happiness.

He's been hated, cursed, scorned. 

Never needed—not genuinely. Not without deals or favours or expectations. Not with a sleepy smile and crinkling of eyes as he helped you to bed. 

A vast difference to what he witnessed in Chicago. 

An emptiness still but softer this time. More bearable. 

Now though—

"Water?" he guesses, tense. "Is it getting bad again, cara?"

"Yes."

Santino is not quite sure which question you're responding to but it doesn't matter. 

"Where are you?" he urges, trying to keep his tone calm. Patience, as you always remind him with a judicious grin, is not his strong point. "Tell me where you and I'll send Ares with the jet, amore. She can pick you up and you can stay with me for a few days, hm? Or New York, whichever you prefer."

Somewhere safe. Somewhere where this won't be used against you. 

He feels like punching something. He should call the old man now, warn him. Winston has...something with you that Santino doesn't quite understand. It's an odd bond but you trust the man and Winston has proven that he...cares. 

"No. Can you..." you breathe and he steps from behind the desk, marching towards the balcony. He needs fresh air—your voice— "Could you...just...stay on the phone with me, Santi?"

Santi.

He hates the fact that even now you calling him that makes lightness bloom in his chest. 

Fuck, fuck. 

He has a mountain of work to get through but your voice—

Tiny and scratchy with pain. He doesn't hear tears and feels selfishly grateful for it because he can't imagine not tearing the world apart to find you if he did. See with his own eyes that you will be fine. It's only been three weeks since he's last seen you but it feels like an eternity now. 

"Of course, amore," he reassures and steps into the warm Italian night air, running his hand through his hair. He swallows, listening to your unsteady, slow breaths through the line. "Are you counting?"

A pause. "Yes."

"Ah, that's my girl," it slips out before he can control it, and he rushes ahead before you can comment, "Keep doing that, bella. Would you like me to talk?"

Another breath, steadier this time. "Please."

He's imagined plenty of scenarios in which you may use that word with him but none of them involving this damned pain. 

He fucking hates it.

"My birthday is in a few months," he says conversationally, forcing the loftiness into his words, but his fingers keep flexing against the railing. He stares out towards the sea and wonders where in this wide, wicked world you are. How long it may take to reach you. After Tokyo, every time something goes wrong, he's always intimately aware of the particular disadvantage that is you still being on Tarasov's chain. "I am planning a party. Would you care to come? As my honour guest, of course. Perhaps my plus one as well, yes?"

He wants it. 

That dream of you beside him. 

One day soon you will be free of Tarasov and after that—

Oh, after that. He has every intention of offering you a place in his family, beside him.  

His father's reign is coming to an end and one day he will sit at the very top. 

The Camorra crown will sit on his head and he will spill all the blood needed to get it. 

And when he's Head you will be free. 

Even if it means shredding Viggo Tarasov and his family to pieces. Slowly. For all he's done. 

Blood for blood. 

"I would like that."

He leans over the railing, his fingers rubbing against his temple. 

"Good, amore. How are you? Do you need anything?"

Because he never knows what to expect or what he can do to help with this. 

It's uncomfortable and pitiful to admit his lack of know-how when it comes to these matters. He doesn't understand your demons, not really. He tries but fails most of the time.

Caring is exhausting. But it's you. 

A muffled rustling, and then he hears your voice clearer like you're speaking right into the receiver, "Would you stay with me?" you half-ask and half-plead and it's like a kick to the chest. One of your blade between his ribs. Sinking deeper, deeper, deeper— "On the phone till I fall asleep. Please, Santi."

Fuck.

You are so very, very dangerous. 

Special. Dear.

"You don't need to ask, (Name)."

He's only returning the favour, he reasons, for back when you stayed with him on the phone as he rang you drunk and in need of company. He's never had someone before he could trust with grief. 

He's only returning the favour, he forces himself to repeat.

Over and over.

Like that might change the fact that you could ask him anything with that subdued need in your voice and he would give you everything. 

[jawritter]

You and Me...

Chapter 22

***SERIES WARNINGS**** Rape, non con, male!rape, injury, violence, discription of injury caused by rape, nightmares, self harm, panick attackes, implied female non con, language, ass hole Jensen, hurt!jensen, dark fic, smut. If there is anything else I will add it as I go.

***Chatper Warnings***  TRIGGER WARNING!!! VIVID DESCRIPTION OR NIGHTMARE, Rape, discritiption of the begginging of rape? I guess that would be a good way to say it. Unconsented touching, oral, and implied anal fingering, (again all dream induced, but may be triggering for some!) Description of being sick, (vomiting), language, angst, some fluff, I think that’s everything. I don’t want to give too much away!

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Word Count: 1450

A/N: As always all mistakes are mine!, Please do not copy my work!! Feedback is gold! I hope you enjoy this one! (Nightmare is in bold print.)

Summery: It’s funny how one choice you made can change your whole life. One mistake can alter you course, and set you on a path that forever will haunt you. Two people find themselves getthing through one of the hardest trials of Jensen’s life, on just one small promise. You and Me. We’ll get through it together…

Want more? Check out my masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***YOU AND ME MASTERLIST***

Jensen's POV:

"You sure are pretty." The slimmy voice graveled in Jensen's ear, making his skin crawl. 

"We're going to have a lot of fun with you." He said, and three other voices chuckle around him. 

Jensen tries to move his legs, and arms around him, but he couldn't. As his foggy vision cleared there were three things that came to the forefront of his focus. 

His head was throbbing as if it had its own pulse. 

He was chained to a bed again.

And he was completely naked.

He felt a rough calloused hand side up his inner thigh slowly as the large man circled the bed. Moving closer and closer to his manhood.  He started to scream as loud as he could, praying someone would hear him. 

Thrashing his body as hard as he could against his restraints. Doing his best to close his legs as the man's hand moved closer and closer to its goal. 

He gagged, and started to vomit as a warm mouth of another man came around his cock, and the man who had his hand on his thigh inserted two fingers harshly into his rectum. 

Nausea is what pulled Jensen from the nightmare. In a way he was thankful, but in a way he wished his stomach would stop trying to expel everything that had touched it that day. 

He sat up on the side of the quickly and quietly as he could as to not wake up y/n. Staggering towards the bathroom, and closing the door, barely making it to the toilet before he wasn't able to hold back any longer. 

Hitting his knees on the cold tile floor. Violently sick.  

He heaved against his stomach. Trying everything he knows to do to stop the violent attack on him caused by the dream. That's when he heard the door open behind him and felt y/n's hands on his back. Rubbing it soothingly. He leaned back carefully. Still not trusting his own stomach. Laying his head on your lap as you sit on the tub next to him.

"You okay there handsome?" You asked, reaching over in the small bathroom and grabbing a washcloth. Running it under some cold water, and rubbing it against his forehead and neck. 

"Yeah, I'll live." He says, still shaking a little, and fighting against the memories that were just below the surface. 

"Another nightmare?" You finally asked after he stopped shaking. 

"Yeah." Was all Jensen could answer. His stomach was still rolling, and he didn’t trust himself to get up from the floor just yet.

"Wanna talk about it?" You ask, checking him over again. 

"No, it's not worth talking about. I said, I wanted to get away from all that shit. I hadn't had a nightmare in days. Much less woke up sick like this in months. Why now? We were supposed to be having a good time." He said, standing slowly to his feet. Holding onto the wall for support as he made his way towards the bed again. 

"Baby, you can't run from things like this, and we are having a good time.” You tell him wrapping your arms around him as you both settle down into the bed. His head on your shoulders os that you could card your fingers through his hair. Helping the tenseness of his shoulders to ebb away slowly.

“You're doing so good Jensen, you're so strong, you're doing better than any of us expect you to do, and one bad night is nothing to be ashamed of or upset about. Let’s get you back to sleep, and in the morning you will feel a lot better.”

Your POV:

The light shone brightly through the window the next morning. You sat up quickly, checking Jensen to make sure he was still sleeping peacefully, which he was. 

He had scared you last night. He'd done good for days. That must have been a pretty vivid nightmare, he hadn't woken up sick like that in a long time.

The rest of the night seemed to go peacefully once you'd gotten him back to sleep, and you hoped that was the last of the nightmares on this trip for him. He was so upset about it, and you wanted him to enjoy himself, not worry about nightmares. 

Today the two of you would make the next leg of your journey together.

Sliding out of the bed, you pack your things as much as possible, and as silently as possible in hopes of getting on the road quickly. 

He had been doing so well. You didn’t want him to relapse because of the stress the return of Supernatural was causing him. You refused to lose your Jensen to memories of what those sick fucks had done to him, and you were determined to do whatever you could to help him get through this and get his life back on track.

Several hours later you were back on the road after Jensen had takens some pretty awesome looking pictures of some of the old famous ruins, and old western style scenery. He was in his seventh heaven. That smile that you loved so much back on his face as the road stretched out in front of the two of you. 

Almost as if the nightmare last night hadn’t occurred, and that much you were thankful for, and were finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. 

Just because he was acting better doesn’t mean that the problem has gone away, because you knew that it had not, but he couldn’t let it define him. That was what you were most concerned about. So far he seemed to be handling it all well, or at least better than he was.

Later that day another park lunch, and more getting to know each other. You loved to hear the stories about him and his siblings, his family. The things he liked, and was interested in. The things he dreamed about doing. He seemed just as interested in yours. 

After about a 10 hour drive you two pulled up in Salt Lake City, Utah. Jensen had rented another bed and breakfast. This one was called the Inn On The Hill. An absolutely gorgeous, almost Victorian style bed and breakfast. Honestly one of your favorite errors that you'd written and read more than one book about.

After getting settled into the room for the night Jensen came bouncing back into the room. 

"Get dressed babe, I made us reservations at the Roof restaurant." He said, planting little kisses everywhere he could reach, crawling his large frame over yours that was stretched out on the bed. 

"Okay! Okay!" You tell him, trying to squirm away from him playfully. Shoving at his large shoulders. 

“You're insatiable!” You tell him as he rolls off of you. Going to grab his watch and wallet he’d taken off when he’d taken a shower a few moments ago.

“Yes, I am, and you love every fucking minute of it sweetheart.” He said, coming to cage you to the bed again. “Now quite being a little brat, and get that pretty ass dressed, I’m hungry.”

You stick your tongue out at him dramatically, and fold your arms over your chest. Ignoring your own growling stomach in order to annoy him further. 

You loved it when Jensen was this playful, and it didn’t happen often so you were determined to take as much advantage of it as possible. 

------------------------------

The restaurant was beautiful. 

You'd never really been to anything this nice before. 

The waitress brought Jensen and yourself into a back room, brought out a wine list that Jensen had quickly chosen from. Reaching across the table grabbing your hand in his. 

"What do you think?" He asked, gesturing around him at the fancy restaurant. 

"It's gorgeous! I love it!" You tell him, earning a proud smile from him. 

"When you travel a lot you find these little gems like this." He said, rubbing his thumb over the back of your hand gently. “This one is one of my favorites.”

The waitress returned, and you both ordered your food. Which was brought back to you surprisingly quickly. 

The two of you ate your dinner in a comfortable silence. 

You did notice that Jensen kept nervously glancing around him, and you hoped that it wasn't his anxiety attacks coming back after the nightmare last night. 

This is the most he’d been out in public away from the comfort of his hometown. Sure there were fans in his hometown that wanted pictures, and things when he was out in public, but a lot of them he’d been around so much at convintentions and things he even knew some of them by name. 

You were also in a private room. So fans weren’t a problem.

"Baby, I got something I need to tell you." He said, looking across the table at you after making sure that the room was completely empty of waitresses.

 "Okay..." 

You look him over carefully. This wasn't the first time Jensen had started a sentence this way, so you had learned not to overreact, but after last night, you were a little nervous. 

What he did next, you didn’t expect at all. Not in a million years. 

Sliding his own chair back he got up, and walked over next to you. 

Then proceeded to get down on one knee, grabbing your hands in his he looked you directly into the eye. Your heart started to pound harder and harder with each passing second as he tried to take a deep breath to collect his thoughts. 

"You know, since the moment we met, I was falling in love with you, I was just too big of a damn coward to admit it. I haven't done right by you at all. I definitely don't deserve you. You sat by me in a hospital, cleaning me up every time I would get sick. Holding my hand. Sitting up with me through nightmares. I was weak. I wasn't half the man I should have been. I was a coward in a lot more ways than I could even begin to try to find excusable. The night I disrespected you that way.... You should have left me. I didn't deserve you to stay. Really I probably deserved to die that night like the piece of shit I was. Still you came back to me. I learned something that night.” 

Jensen took an unsteady breath, his eyes tearing up as much as your own before he continued.

“Baby, that's that I can't live without you. I love you. I always have, I've just been to dumb to see it. You're my everything. You always have been. I want to give you everything you deserve, and more. I want to spend the rest of my life making up to you everything I've ever done wrong by." 

Slipping his hand in the inside pocket of his suit coat he pulled out a little black box. Lifting the lid slowly, revealing the most beautiful engagement ring that you'd ever seen.

Your jaw hit the floor as tears flowed freely down your face. 

"Y/n, I love you more than my own life. I want to spend the rest of our lives showing you that. Will you do me an honor that I don't really deserve, and be my wife?" 

You sat there for a moment slack jawed In complete and utter shock. 

Of all the things you expected to come out of his mouth that wasn't one of them. 

He shifted nervously, taking a nervous breath, piercing green eyes searching your own. 

He was about to stand up. He looked defeated down at his knee. One big tear sliding down his perfect face, and making a little round spot on his black slacks. 

He thought for just a moment he messed up. Now he was about to lose you for real. He'd moved too fast, he'd scared you off. 

Reaching down, putting your hand on the side of his face, making him look up at you. Those beautiful candy apple green eyes that you loved so much full of so much emotion. He took a deep breath, and was about to say something, but you cut him off with your answer. 

"Yes."

In a moment his lips found yours. His arms pulling you close to him. He was kissing every free spot that he could find. When he was done he slipped the ring onto your finger. 

It felt at home there. 

"I love you so much, Jensen." You tell him as you both get back into the car to head back to the bed and breakfast. 

"I love you to y/n." He says, wrapping his arms tightly around you. Both of you just sitting there for a moment before he started the car to take you back to your room for the night. 

Tonight felt like the first night of the rest of your lives. 

Hopefully this was the beginning of better things for you both. 

You couldn't believe that this man was really yours. That you would be so lucky to have him want to be with you. 

He thought he didn't deserve you, but really it was you who felt like you didn't deserve him. He was more than you ever could have dreamed off. Scars and all. Because sometimes whether we believe it or not, it's the scars that make us beautiful in the first place. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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[propertyofnikkisthighs]

Afraid Ch. 12

Warnings: Nightmare scene. Blood mention. Possible tw for that.

Taglist: @sparxx27, @kaitieskidmore1, @fandomshit6000, @leatherandheels​. @madamsixx​

“It’s called Braxton Hicks contractions” the doctor explained to a fresh off a panic attack Nikki who had just regained the color in his face.

“So what does this mean? Is the baby okay? Is he going to come prematurely?” Nikki asked his hand in mine squeezing slightly.

“The baby is perfectly fine, we are however worried about (y/n) blood pressure levels. They were high, which granted you were in a stressful situation, and we want to monitor that so we’re suggesting an appointment with your regular doctor next week to recheck your levels to assess if you need to be on bed rest for the remainder of your pregnancy.” He smiled softly closing my file in his hands.

“Any other questions?” He asks standing from his chair.

“Between now and the next appointment should she be taking it easy?” Nikki again speaks up before I can get a word out.

“For now maintain your normal routine until told otherwise.”

“And what about sex?” He blurts out.

“Nikki!” I smack him on the shoulder my face growing red.

“I was waiting for that question.” The doctor chuckles. “As long as you’re taking it easy, the baby is okay so it is safe to have sex. Also if you’re engaging in cunnalingus make sure to not blow air into her vaginal canal.”

“Jesus who’s blowing into there, it’s not an animal balloon.” Nikki shakes his head in disbelief and I feel my embarrassment growing.

“Thank you doctor for your time. I think we’re done here” I just want to be home in my bed with Nikki, Whiskey, and Alarik at this point. I get my things together and head to the waiting room while Nikki bothered the doctor with more questions relating to our sex life that I didn’t care to hear.

Tommy rushes up to me looking about just as shell shocked as Nikki had been and places both his hands on my belly.

“So you and the baby are okay? He’s not coming yet?” He asks worried his eyes bouncing from mine to my bump.

“Yes Tommy everything is fine. Yeesh.” I roll my eyes and look around the waiting room not seeing Vince. “Where’s Vince?” “Yeah Tommy you would think she’s having your kid.” Nikki surfaces chuckling and then getting a serious look on his face. “She’s not having your kid right?”

“Ew! No way!” Tommy and I say at the same time followed by “What do you mean ew?” also in unison.

Nikki tosses an arm around my shoulder chuckling while directing us out of the hospital.

“It just wouldn’t be the first time Tommy and I were eskimo brothers is all” He smirks.

“For our sake I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just say that to me.” I do however elbow his ribs a little for good measure. “And nobody answered me about Vince.”

“Oh yeah, he said he had some stuff to do so he called a cab and left.” Tommy shrugs hopping into the backseat of the jeep.

The ride home is about as quiet as it can be with Tommy talking the whole ride back to the house, but Nikki was not nearly as responsive. He kept squeezing my thigh and casting nervous glances at me that he would try to cover with a smile when I caught him. I know this episode had scared him, but the doctor said I was fine now and these kinds of contractions were normal. My hand rubbed across my stomach that seemed to expand every day and I felt our baby kick in response. Yeah, he was fine. A shit head just like his dad, but fine.

The sound of Nikki undressing to get into bed wakes me up and I glance at the clock near our bed which reads that it’s a little past three in the morning. His arms snake around my side and his hands come to rest on my stomach while he places soft kisses on my exposed shoulder blade. I sigh and turn my head to look over my shoulder at his small shows of affection. He was so different from the strung out Nikki I had met years ago.

“What?” His smile is crooked, and boyish, and I can’t help but place a small kiss against his lips.

“I just love you Nikki Sixx.” I hum getting comfortable again in bed.

“And I love you (y/n) Sixx” Nikki yawned pressing a soft kiss to the side of my head.

Nikki had taken to calling me by his last name over the course of the past few weeks despite us not being engaged or an engagement even being mentioned. I loved it, because it was sweet and showed that he really saw a forever future with me more than me just being the mother of his child. I also hated it because it filled me with a sense of dread that I just couldn’t put my finger on. Getting married would mean that there is more to lose if we were to end things between us. And I couldn’t afford to lose more than what was already at stake with us having a child together.

“I just don’t understand why you have to go back.” I pouted watching as Nikki packed a small suitcase to go back to touch some things up for the album. I was too far along in my pregnancy to fly and was still being monitored for high blood pressure.

“Babe it’s only for a few days.” He laughed at my mini temper tantrum and pressed a kiss to my hairline. “I will be back on new years eve so we will get to ring in the new year together.”

“You know as a recovering fuck up,” I began and Nikki collapsed to the floor in laughter which made me fall into a fit of giggles. “You know it’s hard when your old drinking holidays pass you up and you’re fat and pregnant.”

“Baby. You’re not fat.” Nikki cooed.

“Tell that to swollen ankles and stomach the size of a watermelon.” I emphasize my point by pointing to each body part I mentioned.

“Well when he is born that will all go to normal and you get a mini me out of the deal. I would say you’re winning more than losing”

“Oh well when you put it that way.” I roll my eyes.

“All you have to do is hold down the fort for a few days and I promise I’ll bring you a tape so you get first listen to the album you helped create.” He pinched at my cheek and I pressed a kiss to his wrist.

“That’s all I ask please”

Saying goodbye to Nikki at the airport was harder than I thought. I finally let tears stream down my face as I drove back home in silence. The house had never seemed so large and yet so small as it did when I walked into it alone. Somebody was always here, whether it was Nikki himself or the boys all here, it was never this quiet. I let myself wallow for a few more minutes before I decide it would be better to cuddle on the couch and watch tv with Whiskey than to cry.

The ringing of the house phone makes me jump awake. The living room is dimly lit from the tv playing in the background, but the house itself is dark. I still am trying to get my bearings and I hear the phone ring again. Slowly shuffling my way over to where the phone was hooked up in the kitchen.

“Hello?”

“Mrs. Sixx?” The voice on the other end says though everything sounds staticy.

“Um yes?” I don’t argue that I’m not actually Mrs. Sixx as I normally would. “This is the Toronto police.” My stomach falls into my feet, fearing Nikki relapsed and did something stupid.

“I’m sorry, but there was an accident with the plane. Nobody made it.”

The phone slips from my hands and I collapse to the floor. My hands are shaking and the sound of my tears hitting the tile is the only thing I can hear. Until I start screaming. I’m screaming and crying so violently I begin to gag and I can’t catch my breath. My stomach cramps and I’m vomiting on the kitchen floor. My baby boy is going to have to grow up without a father now. My stomach cramps again and I feel warmth rush down my legs. My water can’t be breaking now this is the worst time to come oh he is such his father’s son. I crawl on my hands and knees to the bathroom down the hall and use the counter to pull myself up and flick on the light. Red. Everything is red. My water didn’t break. This was blood. More blood than I had ever seen in my life.

“No no no no.” I scream. “This can’t be happening.”

I wake up in a cold sweat nearly tossing Alarik off of my legs from the sudden motion. I look around the living room and see the sun is just begining to set. I fling the cover off of me and examine my stomach and make sure no blood is around me. The phone rings and I’m hit with a wave of anxiety that my dream was a premonition. My mom used to say she would frequently dream of things happening to her before they would really happen. My hands are shaking as I take the phone off the hook and press it to my ear.

“H-Hello?”

“Hey baby we just made it to the hotel.” Nikki’s voice comes over the telephone and I had never felt so relieved in my life.

“Oh good. Good.” I breathe out.

“Are you okay? Is something wrong with the baby?” I can hear the panic in Nikki’s voice.

“I’m okay and baby is okay. I just had a nightmare is all and the phone woke me up.” I physically and mentally relax now that I’ve gotten to hear Nikki’s voice.

“Aww babe you’re having nightmares without me there?” I can practically see the smirk on his face even without him being in front of me.

“In my defense when was the last time I had to sleep alone, or be home alone?”

“If it makes you feel better I probably won’t be getting much sleep at all here.” His soft chuckle warms my heart and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one struggling with the distance.

“Hey maybe T-Bone will wanna snuggle since you’re both there without your women.” I joke.

“What makes you think we aren’t snuggling right now?” He ups the anti.

“I miss you already.” I whisper into the phone.

“I missed you the moment I stepped onto the plane. How am I going to survive without your soft snores in my ear?”

“With a good nights rest” I snort into the phone and his responding chuckle calms the remaining nerves I have from my horrible dream.

“Speaking of, I need to get some shut eye. Flights always make me-”

“Extremely tired. I know” I finish for him.

“Goodnight baby I’ll call when I have a free moment.”

“I love you Nikki Sixx.”

“I love you (y/n) Sixx.”

I hold on to the phone for a few minutes after the line goes dead as a reminder that my dream wasn’t real and Nikki was in fact safe at his hotel right now. I pinch my shoulder for good measure to make sure I really was awake this time and round the corner to see Alarik and Whiskey waiting at the top of the stairs for me. They follow me into the bedroom and stand at the end of the bed staring as I get into bed. I look over at the empty spot next to me that normally Nikki laid in and felt a twinge of sadness.

“Well I know Daddy says you’re not supposed to get in the bed, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him huh?” I smile at my fuzzy companions and pat the bed signalling them to climb up and they oblige.

I sigh and snuggle deeper into my covers and get comfortable ready for sleep to take over my body.

But then the baby rolls onto my bladder.

[strrawberrymoon]

name  /  alias : leigh  gender  /  pronouns : female + she/her where  ya  from  ? : europe 👀 the  current  time :  18:53 height :  164 cm, i think that’s 5′4 job  or  major :  double major in sociology and media communications, still grinding pet  (  s  ) :  two dogs! one is a 7 year old maltese and the other a 3 year old cane corso favorite  thing  (  s  )  about  yourself :  im a great listener and i give great advice, i’m straighforward which some people don’t like but oh well, i’m pretty adaptable. i got some nice titties any  special  talents  ? :  i can roll my tounge in any direction + crack a lot of knuckles ajkdshaj

why  you  joined  hqclouds :  i’ve been itchng to write more lately, so when love told me about their group i thought i’d give it a shot !!

meaning  behind  url :  strawberry moon was just a recent occurance irl which was really cool + i associate marinette with strawberries for some reason, and i’m a big fan of the lady moon

last  thing  you  googled :  i’m having some issues with my michrophone and zoom so i googled how to fix it, but no dice

birthday  /  zodiac :  leo ! my birthday is august 11th in  your  opinion  ,  does  your  sign  suit  you  ? : yes and no. leo’s are very misunderstood imo, but each sign has the “more popular” or well known traits and then there’s the flipside of the coin—which i think suits me more myers  -  briggs :  ISFP / INFP moral  alignment :  chaotic idiot hogwarts  house : gryffindor

three  fictional  character  (  s  )  you  see  yourself  in  +  why :  i honestly see myself in katara from atla, the whole smothering mothering routine. it’s becoming a regular thing for my friends to say “thanks, mom” or “ok, mom” so i guess i’m the mom friend. also fred weasly... he’s a twin.. i’m a twin... that’s all i need. and lastly, and very leastly, neil josten from all for the game series. most of you probably don’t know it, but he’s a demisexual chaotic idiot who says “i’m fine” way too much for someone who is most definitely not fine.

i  started  roleplaying : probably when i was around 16-17 was my first official roleplay experience. it was on facebook and kind of a nightmare types  of  rps  i  enjoy :  i like college stuff and small town rps, but i also love plot heavy rps that push you into developing your muse. really anything that isn’t too restricting favorite  fcs  to  use :  i don’t have go-to faceclaims. i tend to make a character around a FC and then use them until i lose muse or just feel like they need to rest. switch it up a lot, but some faces that i’ve really enjoyed playing for a longer amount of time are steven kelly, cindy mello and ellen v. lora fandom  (  s  )  you’d  like  to  write  in : i want to write in all of the fandoms i know nothing about and look like a dumbass. also harry potter, the hunger games, avatar the last airbender, gossip girl, etc etc fandom  (  s  )  you  aren’t  in  but  are  curious  about :  marvel somewhat, any video games are very fascinating to me even though i’m not a gamer + know nothing about them, any distopian kind of fandom re: hunger games

share  a  funny  roleplay  horror  story :  recently an admin of a twitter rp tried to use my male muse for their weird ship narrative. they tried to make him look like an asshole (& i do play assholes but this one wasn’t one) + used another male muse to make it seem as if these two boys were fighting over the person’s girl, even though she actually had a ship all lined up. they were also running the gossip twitter, so they made up a bunch of stuff about our muses without our consent and consequently i told them to fuck off, and both of us left the group. then she had no more “groupies” so she cuffed and the group closed two days later. it was petty hilarious.

fondest  roleplay  memory :  once in an OC group, i wasn’t “technically” doing a ship with a friend, even though the characters had feelings for each other. but for some reason the status of their relationship was a hot topic group wide, meaning everybody had their nose in it and wanting to know what’s up, so they publically kept doing things to make people think they’re together while denying it in the same breath. it was really fun to let it play out like that.

favorite  canon  muse  (  s  )  to  play : roy mustang from fullmetal alchemist, katara from atla, and my baby marinette favorite  original  muse  (  s  )  to  play : the last original character i played and fell in love with was named alex. im obsessed with him. still doing 1 x 1 with his girlfriend. they’re having a baby, it’s all very emo and domestic. maybe i make him relapse for funsies. canon  ships  you  can’t  help  but  love :  lupin x tonks from harry potter, korra x asami from legend of korra, danerys x daario naharis from game of thrones, katniss x peeta from the hunger games, etc... trope  (  s  )  you  tend  to  be  guilty  of : i use the rich kid douchebag stereotype a lot. i also make a lot of my characters addicted to something to make them struggle with that.

i  prefer  .  .  . angst  ,  smut  ,  or  fluff :  bro... i am a sucker for ansgt and smut. i do fluff on special ocassions >:) long  or  short  replies :  i prefer when they start out shorter, but medium is my fave pre  plotting  or  chemistry : chemistry all the way. plotting can be really fun but it’s a miss more often than a hit for me. plotting can be good for pre-established relationships but that’s about it sentence  starters  or  headcanon  memes : sentence starters single  muse  or  multimuse  blogs :  i’ve never done a multimuse blog, and i’ve actually been super against them in the past, but i’m starting to change my mind hehe gif  icons  ,  medium  gifs  ,  or  static  icons : static (or none honestly)

grab  the  book  nearest  to  you  and  pull  a  quote  from  it :  ❝ You were children. was there no one to protect you? ❞ — ❝ Was there no one to protect you? ❞

what’s  a  quote  or  song  lyric  that  speaks  to  your  soul  ? :  ❝ I loved her, and sometimes, she loved me too ❞ 

top  current  celebrity  crushes :  zendaya, margot robbie always last  movie  you  watched :  365 days (2020) did  you  like  it  ? :  i hated it, what a waste of a perfectly good 2 hours  favorite  movie  (  s  )    of  all  time : harry potter franchise makes me nostalgic, perks of being a wallflower, my sister’s keeper favorite  tv  show  (  s  )  of  all  time : for some reason i’m obsessed with grey’s anatomy but i hate it favorite  tv  show  that  hasn’t  ended : well fricking grey’s anatomy favorite  series  of  books  /  novels  /  comics : the hunger games, harry potter sports  team  (  s  )  you  rep : my friend is into sports i rep her ksdsdj favorite  video  game  (  s  ) : the sims. i like playing animal crossing vicariously through switch owners favorite  youtube  channels : don’t usually keep up with yt channels but i just binged some stuff from psychology in seattle hobbies :  procrastinating

what  are  the  three  non  essential  things  you’d  bring  to  a  deserted  island  ? : sunglasses, hairtie, hand cream

put  your  music  on  shuffle.  what  six  songs  pop  up  ? : 

say goodbye by skillet, 

off the grid by alina baraz & khalid, 

bury a friend by billie eilish, 

break up with your girlfriend by ariana grande

get back by nine lashes

marry you by bruno mars (man)

personal  aesthetic : growing out my hair only to always wear it in a bun dream  vacation  ? : i just wanna go to the seaside with my friends dream  job  ? :  i literally can’t stand capitalism. wanna move to italy and collect berries and draw titties all day dream  car  ? :  something that drives itself if  i  could  live  anywhere  ,  it’d  be : somewhere in canada near the woods favorite  musical : mama mia? counts favorite  food  (  s  ) :  bananaaaaas, ice cream, cereal. these are all foods ok coffee  order : i don’t drink coffee unwatched  stuff  in  your  netflix  /  hulu  /  etc :  13 reasons why (i’m too bored), the flash, outer banks, elite, the half of it, intersteller, locke & key aaand some stuff that’s not mine but someone else using my account

what’s  a  subject  you  know  too  much  about  +  never  get  tired  of  talking  about  ? : idk anything about anything askldhl