#i was 3 and probably just dreaming but my ENTIRE life i actually thought I'd MET him

[nexus-nebulae]

it's kinda funny how similar to my grandpa i am considering my birthday was three days after his

[inkskinned]

yesterday while feverish i wrote about how boats can moor next to each other like pigeons, cooing with the gentle rap of water against their hull. you once said that that the way i see things - birds in the water, feathers in marina paint - was "childish and naive." you said i'd been misdiagnosed - "it can't all be adhd. you might be just kind of stupid and lazy."

i still do certain things like how you taught me - turn the pillow case inside out before putting it on. drive defensively. hate myself entirely.

the prompt for this poem is "mahler's fifth." i wish it wasn't, but mahler's fifth was our song. it ended up in my book. every person that knows your name has promised me they'll give you one swift rabbit punch, right to the face. dean read the book and showed up on my front porch, drenched in sweat from running the 8 miles at 4 in the morning. he was shaking. pacifist and gentle - he works with children - i'd never seen him furious. a punch isn't going to do it, he said, and then said i'm sorry. i had to come to see if you were okay.

mahler's fifth was mine first, like my girlhood. i like the way each movement piles onto the next movement, each instrument bleeding into the next. i like the horn version the best. before i met you, i danced to it on grass still-wet from sprinklers.

later you would tell me that the way you heard it was somehow better. you understood something in it that i couldn't quite wrap my fingers into. once, on our anniversary, you asked the classical music radio station to play it for us. we missed hearing it because we were fighting. one of the things people get wrong about abuse is that sometimes victims are, like, brutally aware of the stupidity of our situation. what do you mean that you thought i wasn't good enough for you? you? you're just... nothing.

sometimes people can pull the poetry out of your life. i watched my words become clothesline, and then thin out into kite twine. i watched you chew through every good syllable of me. so many good songs and places and moments were ruined. i am glad you didn't like most of my music - less to tie back to you.

but still mahler's fifth. the music swells, and i am 21 and throwing up in a bathroom on my birthday. a woman i will later refer to as lesbian jesus runs a cool hand down my back, her perfect pantsuit starch-pressed. she told me to leave you. she said - and this is true, and not an invention of rhyme or fantasy - i'm you from the future.

i am 22, and i got home from an award ceremony, and i remember you telling me - you act so proud of yourself when you're actually so fucking embarrassing. i took you to disney world. you took my virginity. i gave up visiting spain for a week with my family - i instead choose you, to spend the time just-cuddling. you called it "our fuck week." the music swells. it probably should have been a red flag that for about 3 years - i just gave up on crying. my grandfather died and you said nothing. my uncle died and you ghosted me for 3 weeks. you said i need to protect myself from your ongoing tragedy.

every so often i come back to the memory of one of our last afternoons in person. i had just told you that i wasn't going to law school, despite the free ride - i was going to join a creative writing program. master's in fine arts. i was going to finally do it - i was going to follow my dreams. this blog was already internet-famous. however reluctantly, i would occasionally refer to myself as a poet. i got into umass amherst's writing program for fiction authors. it is one of the the top 5 programs in the country.

wait are you seriously considering actually attending that? dumbfounded, you turned completely towards me in your seat. for the 3rd time in our relationship, you almost crashed the car. you actually want to be a writer?

the first time i went viral, it was for a poem i wrote about you:

he wants to say i love you but keeps it to goodnight because love will take some falling and she's afraid of heights.

every time i see that, i want to throw up. you weren't in love with me, you were in love with the control you had over me. a little truth though: i am afraid of heights. you caught a rabbitgirl and skinned her alive.

mahler's fifth still makes me sick.

give me that back. give me back music. give me back everything i had before you. give me back fearlessness. give me back bravery. give me back a scarless body.

give me back what you took from me.

[ultraintrovertedgryffindor]

𝐀𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 - Aemond Targaryen

third and last part to this mini series. i didn't think i'd make a part two but it came to me in a dream and i couldn't ignore my dreams, also peer pressure but that doesn't matter haha...anyway *cough* also, this last part came to me at like 3 am so

Warnings: SMUT (MINORS DNI), (TW) suicide attempt, attempted sexual assault, Stockholm syndrome, heavy angst, kinda Dark!Aemond (he gets better tho cause i couldn't help myself), incest, mild dubcon, oral (f!receiving), romantic-ish love making, fluff ughhh (this fic makes a complete 180 i'm sorry)

word count | 6k🤙🏻😅

part one | part two

You had never felt more hopeless in your entire life.

You had been pretty resilient throughout your time at King’s Landing, but it slowly dwindled the longer you were forced to stay.

The Greens chipped away at your strength piece by piece until there was barely anything left. You had been forced to stay in your designated chambers, no one allowed in or out besides the maids and guards. You couldn’t count how long it had been since you had seen a friendly face. You were completely alone. You hadn’t even seen your uncle since that night he forced himself on you, you wondered if he got punished for it. Probably not. You hated that you started to actually miss him. 

You just wanted to talk to somebody, anybody. You couldn’t just keep staying at the walls all day every day. You even started to wonder how badly it would hurt to throw yourself off your balcony. Would you die before you even hit the ground? Or worse, would you survive the fall?

You had woken up from a nightmare in a cold sweat one morning, shivering and aching all over. You didn’t get out of bed until your mouth started flooding with saliva, a sinking feeling washing over you as you felt your stomach lurch. You barely made it to your chamber pot before emptying the contents of your stomach, bile burning the back of your throat and tears streaming down your face. Spots blurred your vision as you slumped against the wall, leaning your head back as you closed your eye. You tried not to wince as your abdomen tensed painfully, another wave of nausea washing over you. You felt like you had been hit by a dragon, aches and pains all over your body including your empty eye socket. Perhaps the Stranger was finally coming to take you away? Would you be okay with that? Is death really better than being imprisoned?

Unfortunately, you weren’t able to find out. One of the maids that made your baths came in as you started to fall unconscious, but that darkness never took you as she slashed some cold water on your face, making you gasp awake. “You are burning up, my Lady.” The maid spoke softly. “Oh dear, you’ve vomited.”

“Clearly.” You mumbled incoherently.

“How long since you’ve last bled, my Lady?”

Your heart threatened to beat out of your chest for a moment, the thought immediately making you panic. But it hadn’t been that long ago. Sure, it was before Aemond had taken your virginity, but that didn’t automatically mean his seed had taken. “Almost two weeks ago.”

“I shall call for the maester.” The maid helped you to your bed, propping you up onto your pillows and leaving promptly.

No, you weren’t pregnant. You would know, wouldn’t you? Surely, women have a sort of sixth sense about that kind of stuff, right? You could only wait for the maester to tell you. But what would happen if you actually were? Would Alicent marry you and Aemond? The thought sent a shiver down your spine.

A gentle breeze blew in from the balcony. You often kept the doors open as the cool night air helped you fall asleep faster. The idea of escaping this life got more and more appealing as you kept thinking about what would happen if you were carrying a babe. A life such as this is no place to raise a baby, especially not with an enemy of your mother. You made your decision.

You cried out as you stood up from your bed, limping your way to your balcony with wobbly feet. You accidentally hit the wall on your left side, still having great difficulty adjusting to your new eyesight. But it would not matter soon enough. With shaking hands, you held onto the railing of your balcony, looking down on all your mother’s subjects. The sun was barely peeking out from the horizon, casting the kingdom in a light orange glow. King’s Landing was beautiful, truly. It would’ve made a nice home had your mother’s crown hadn’t been stolen. You could imagine your family’s dragons flying freely over the rooftops and towers of the Red Keep, your brothers smiling and laughing with each other, your parents ruling peacefully. Yeah, it would’ve been amazing.

You let out a sob as you heard your dragon’s roars pierce through the air, feeling your sorrow and despair like it was their own. You hoped nothing bad would happen to your dragon. Perhaps they’d get a new rider after you were gone. Maybe the Greens would set them free, let the creature grieve in peace away from the war. Doubtful. The thought almost made you back away from the rail, but you couldn’t handle it anymore. All your life you had been selfless, this one moment would be one of the only times you could allow yourself to be selfish. It would make things easier for your mother. Without the threat of you being killed by the Greens, she could finally torch everyone inside the Red Keep with her dragons.

You struggled to make it up on the railing, but you managed it. You breathed heavily as you looked down, the people below looking as small as ants. You would be okay, you decided. It was a long way down, you would be dead on impact. You smiled weakly as you thought it might feel like you were flying one last time. If not a dragonrider’s death, this would have to do.

You took one final deep breath before stepping off the ledge, expecting to feel the weightlessness of freefall, only it never came.

You were suddenly pulled back violently, falling to the floor of the balcony, your back hitting something hard, but it wasn’t the concrete. You struggled against whoever thwarted your attempt to take your own life, until you saw the briefest flash of long white hair, grazing past your face lightly. “Let me go!” You growled.

“I meant it when I said I’d never let you go.” Aemond spoke quietly, holding you in his arms as tightly as he could without hurting you. “Or did you not remember?” Oh, you remembered alright, how could you not? “I must say, I am quite disappointed that you’d try to leave like this. To kill yourself and possibly our unborn child?” He clicked his tongue in disapproval, but there was an undertone in his voice that made it seem like he was actually upset.

“I’m not pregnant.” You snapped as sharply as you could, feeling your body begging you to give up and give out.

“The maester will be the judge of that. He’s on his way. I’ll make sure you stay alive until then, dear niece.”

Yet again, you were taken back to your bed, your uncle sitting in a chair next to the bed and watching you like a hawk. It was unnerving, to say the least. You kept looking up at the ceiling as sweat kept beading on your forehead, the pain in your abdomen forcing tears in your eye that cascaded down the side of your face. You’ve never missed your mother more. All you wanted was her by your side, to hear her call you her sweet girl one more time, to feel her kiss your forehead in that motherly way only she could. You whimpered as you tried to hold back a sob, curling your fingers into your palm tightly, trying to think of anything else but home.

You flinched as Aemond took your hand, unballing your fist and simply holding it gently, occasionally running his thumb over your knuckles. “Don’t worry, the maester’s due any minute now.” It was so unlike him, to be somewhat reassuring and nice. Did seeing you in utter agony finally thaw his ice cold heart?

“Please, let me go…” You whispered weakly, your voice breaking pitifully.

“No.” He answered.

“What will happen if I am with child, Aemond? I’m sure your mother won’t be too happy about that. She’ll probably kill me herself.” You winced as he squeezed your hand tightly in warning, glaring at you before sighing.

“Do you really think her to be that cruel?”

“You have to get in from somewhere, right?” You gasped as he ripped his hand from yours roughly, standing up to pace with his arms behind his back.

“Must you be so stubborn? I am here trying to be nice and you’re behaving like an ungrateful wretch.” He ranted, his voice threatening to rise but never doing so. He was always skilled at keeping his composure, but you could see how his body tensed and every minute microexpression gave way how much he desired to shout at you.

You scoffed. “I’m sorry if I’m having difficulty letting my guard down in front of my kidnapper.”

“Believe it or not, you are much safer here than you’d ever be at Dragonstone.”

“I don’t care how safe I might be here, I want to go home. I want to be with my family.”

“You are with your family.”

“You don’t treat your family with such hostility. You don’t force your family to take out their own eye. You don’t take away your family’s birthright when it wasn’t theirs to take.”

Aemond chuckled darkly. “You’re one to talk, niece. You took my eye over an insult.”

“You were going to kill my brother.”

“You know I never would have gone through with it. I was a child.”

“And so was I.”

“And then your mother wanted me tortured after you maimed me. My own sister. And don’t tell me she said I was to be sharply questioned. What do you suppose that means, hm? You know, she never once treated me like her own flesh and blood. Nor Aegon, or even Helaena. She never treated us like we were her family. We were always just Alicent’s children. That’s all. Do you think we never wanted a relationship with our own sister? All this was Rhaenyra’s doing, you’d be a fool to not see that. You hold her up on a pedestal, you think she can do no wrong.” Aemond sighed, shaking his head. “If we really were her family, this never would have happened in the first place.”

You wanted to continue the conversation, so badly, but your body simply did not allow it. You let out a soft groan as your throbbing head lolled back, hitting the soft pillows beneath you. You felt like you were going to throw up again, but nothing came up. It didn’t take but a moment until Aemond was back beside you, feeling your forehead with the back of his hand. You heard the doors to your chambers open, the sound of voices and footsteps growing distant until you blacked out.

Aemond hated how worried he was. He wanted to stop his feet from forcing him to pace back and forth outside your doors, the maester inside working to figure out what was happening to you. 

You had shown symptoms of being pregnant, but what if it was something else? Would that be better or worse? Alicent had reprimanded him so harshly for bringing you to King’s Landing, Aemond didn’t even know if she would agree to marry them. So if you were with child, it would be a bastard, just like you.

Aemond growled in frustration as the maester took his sweet time in your quarters, then flinching slightly when his mother appeared in front of him. “How is she?” Alicent asked, her voice barely above a whisper, like she feared she’d distract the maester if she spoke any louder even though he was on the other side of a door.

“She was burning up, passed out as soon as the maester arrived.” 

Aemond tried not to look worried, more inconvenienced, but Alicent’s motherly instincts, what little she had, could tell he was more upset that he led on. “I’m sure she’ll be alright.” She smiled reassuringly.

Aemond hummed. “Her mother wouldn’t be too pleased if she dies in our care, surely. Has she written back with an answer yet?”

Alicent shook her head. “No. But I know her. She would do anything to protect her children, so I’m hopeful.” They each turned their attention to the maester who exited your room. “What news?”

“I’m afraid the flesh around her eye is infected. We will need to cut away the infected flesh and keep her under our watch around the clock to make sure it doesn’t get infected again. I am hopeful that she will be okay, but we need to get her to surgery immediately.”

“Of course, maester. Do whatever you need to do.”

The surgery was long and tedious, but you made it out okay. The Queen mother had maids rotate out every few hours to keep watch on you, the maester visiting every several hours to check on your bandages and making sure to keep the wound clean. You were asleep all the while, constantly being given milk of the poppy to keep you under and pain free. Not that you’d ever know, but you were in the prayers of Alicent and Helaena, despite being the daughter of the enemy. Aegon couldn’t care less, he thought it was idiotic to keep you alive. But Aemond, he was never seen far from your chambers. He’d visit to see how you were fairing every so often, but he never stayed very long. It wasn’t until the third day of recovery that he stayed in your room more often.

Being addled on milk of the poppy, you had no clue what was going on around you. It was hard to care either way. But sometimes you’d wake up in the middle of the night and you would see Aemond sitting in a chair near the fireplace, reading a book and simply just staring into the flames, then you’d pass out yet again. It became a comfort of sorts to find Aemond in your room, you’d rather it be him than anyone else. Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, but you slowly started to not see him as a devil. After that conversation you had with him before your surgery, you started to feel bad for him, despite him being the reason you only had one eye now. Although, now that you knew what it was like, it had made you understand him and his motivations a bit more.

After a couple more days, you were starting to be weaned off milk of the poppy. Your head ached and your wound throbbed, but you were glad you were conscious again. But the more conscious you became, the less you saw of Aemond. You were surprised that you actually felt sad by that. This man had kidnapped and violated you, you should’ve been happy to have some space from him. Now you just felt lonely again. You were back to only seeing your maids faces, now the maester every other day. But you were now able to get up and walk around, as long as you didn’t push yourself. You couldn’t even if you wanted to, but now your balcony doors were barred. Aemond must’ve told everyone what had happened, the thought embarrassed you more than it should have.

You were trying to unbar the balcony doors one night, not to jump this time, but you missed the breeze. But you were stopped when your doors opened loudly, causing you to jump and turn around to see… “Aegon?”

“Niece!” The usurper king grinned. “So glad to see you’re up and about, you look healthier than ever. You gave us all a fright you did.”

“You’re drunk, what a surprise.”

“Hey, you’d be drunk all the time if you had to be king too, or, er, queen.”

You rolled your eye, crossing your arms to protect your modesty. “What are you doing here, Aegon?”

“King.” He corrected.

“Not to me.” You snapped, making him frown and send a glare your way.

“Disrespectful cunt.” He mumbled, stumbling towards a chair and taking a seat rather ungracefully.

You probably should’ve been extra cautious around Aegon, even more so since he was drunk, but you had a hard time being afraid when he looked so pitiful. You stepped towards him, kneeling down beside him with the most condescending expression you could muster. “Maybe I’d have more respect if you weren’t a drunken entitled man child that steals his own sister’s throne. You will be a worse king than Maegor the Cruel.”

Despite Aegon being completely wasted, he grabbed a hold of your neck like he was sober, standing up and forcing you up with him, the tightness around your neck making your head spin. “How dare you speak to your king that way?” He spat, his other hand slapping your face and squishing your jaw. “You wish to know true cruelty? Perhaps I shall bring you to my chambers tonight? One night with me and you’ll be on your knees praying that the Stranger comes and takes you away. Or would you enjoy that? Your mother is a whore, maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree? I’ve always wondered what you’d feel like around my cock. I’ve talked to my brother about it, I thought he’d be man enough to come take your maidenhead. But you’re quivering like a leaf right now, maybe I was wrong. I guess my brother is still that little boy who couldn’t stand up for himself. No matter. Your king will take you. You should be honored.”

You quickly bit Aegon’s hand as hard as you could, hearing him let out a satisfying yelp, feeling his harsh grip on you release enough so that you could push him away. “You’re vile!” You yelled, keeping a chair in between you and the drunken man.

Aegon laughed, running his hands through his greasy hair. “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you…much. Hey, how about this, I’ll forgive your treachery and let you live if you let me take your virginity?”

“Aemond already took it, you fool.” You scowled.

“Oh!” He grinned darkly. “How about that? Guess I don’t have to be gentle with you after all.”

“No, no!” You screamed as Aegon kicked the chair away from you, grabbing you and dragging you to your bed, although with a bit of a struggle due to his drunken state. “Let me go, you lecherous perv!”

Aegon’s mischievous smile quickly dropped as he felt cool steel be placed at the juncture of his neck, the metal already lightly scraping his skin and forcing blood to trickle down his skin. “You heard her. Let her go.” You let out a quiet sigh of relief as Aemond came into view, his dark eye burning into the back of Aegon’s head.

“Brother, you know I could have your head for this?” Aegon growled.

“Not much a king can do if he’s dead.” He said as he pressed the dagger against his skin with more pressure, causing Aegon to hiss in pain as his skin sliced open easily. He rolled his eyes as he let you go, pushing you off of him and onto the bed, Aemond quickly pulling his brother to him. 

“I heard you took her maidenhead. I didn’t think you had it in you, brother.” Aegon smirked, even with the dagger to his throat.

“I will only say this once so you would do well to listen, brother. She is mine. Not yours, not anyone else’s. Mine, and only mine. Understand?” Aemond spoke lowly, his eye seemingly staring into Aegon’s soul.

Aegon frowned in annoyance as he held up his hands in surrender. “Fine. She’s all yours.” But Aemond kept his blade out and pointed at his brother until he was completely out the door, only sheathing it when the doors closed.

“Are you alright?” Aemond spoke, his back facing you.

You resisted the urge to ask why he suddenly cared. “Yes…thank you.”

He hummed. “I’ll be right outside your door tonight. Just in case he comes back.”

“You…” You hesitated, completely sure that this was a bad idea, but you couldn’t stop yourself. “You don’t have to. You can stay in here…if you’d like.” You cringed at how awkward you must’ve sounded, but if you did Aemond didn’t notice or care.

“How’s your eye?” He asked as he took a seat in one of your chairs, crossing his legs and making himself comfortable.

“Fine, it doesn't hurt anymore thankfully.” He nodded. The silence was deafening, and you didn’t know if you could handle it all night. But you didn’t know if that’s what he preferred. “Did I worry you much?” You joked, although it came out more serious than you intended. He didn’t look amused. You looked down to hide your frown, picking at your nails with a sigh. “Has there been any word from my mother?”

“No.” He responded curtly.

“What you told me the other night…I didn’t know any of that, how my mother treated you. I knew she didn’t have the best relationships with you all, or any at all. But I never thought she disliked any of you. She never spoke ill of you, she rarely spoke of you at all, so I guess I just assumed that nothing was wrong.” You shrugged. “She’s always been so loving, not just to me and my brothers, but everyone I’ve seen her interact with. You were right…I put her on a pedestal. I couldn’t see her faults. I’m…I’m sorry she treated you all that way. Siblings are supposed to look out for each other.”

Aemond’s expression was unreadable, like it often was. You looked away before you could embarrass yourself further.

“You shouldn’t apologize for the sins of your mother. Like I said before, it was her own doing. But now, she has the opportunity to make things right.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” But Aemond only shook his head. You decided not to push him further. “Did you hope that I’d get pregnant?”

Aemond seemed shocked by your blunt question, but shrugged with a frown. “It would’ve made things easier perhaps. It would’ve forced my mother to marry us, and give Rhaenyra more incentive to bend the knee.”

You chuckled bitterly, shaking your head. “Do you want to marry me that badly?” You joked.

“Would it be so terrible?” He asked seriously, forcing you to actually think about it. “Or do you truly want your mother to kill us all? Do you want this war to happen?”

“No…of course not. I never wanted this to happen.” You exhaled shakily, finding it hard to relax under Aemond’s intense gaze. “If there’s even a chance anything could stop this war without bloodshed, I would do it.”

“Truly anything?”

You had a feeling where he was leading with that question, but you took the bait anyway. “Yes. Anything.” You tensed as Aemond lifted himself off his chair, taking a seat on the bed right beside you, his body heat radiating off of him and enveloping you. Goosebumps rose all over your body as he caressed the side of your face with the back of his hand, his eye gazing into yours. “Aemond-”

“Marry me.” He cupped your jaw, keeping you facing him. “You said you’d do anything. Your mother might give up if you agree. So, marry me, be my wife.”

“And if she doesn’t bend the knee?” You whispered.

“She will if she truly cares for you. Will you risk it?”

You took a deep breath, leaning forward to seal your fate with a kiss. “Yes. I’ll marry you…”

Aemond grinned before capturing your lips in another kiss, feeling his neediness and longing through him. You felt like a traitor yourself as you gave in to him, allowing yourself to want and need. Your mother would be so disappointed in you, but you truly thought it would be best for the kingdom and your family. You wondered if she’d actually bend the knee, or would she call you a traitor as well? You tried not to dwell on it. All you wanted right now was Aemond, to feel him all over your body, to feel him at the apex of your thighs that was already throbbing with desire. 

You didn’t realize you were crying until Aemond pulled away with furrowed brows, wiping away your fallen tears with his thumb. “It’ll be okay.” He whispered, turning you on your back, settling himself in between your legs, keeping one arm propped up so he wouldn’t crush you. But that’s exactly what you wanted.

Aemond let out a noise of surprise when you pulled him down on you, his body completely covering you. Your heavy breaths mixed with each other, your kisses getting sloppy and rough. It wasn’t enough. Even when you had removed each other’s clothes, you still didn’t feel close enough.

You pushed Aemond’s head down your body, sighing heavily as he trailed kisses down your torso until he reached your pelvis, looking up at you hungrily through a heavy lidded eye. “Shall I taste you, princess?” He teased with a smile, spreading your legs as far as they could go and planting sloppy kisses on your inner thighs.

“Please, my prince.”

You whined as Aemond licked up your folds, gathering the wetness that had already pooled at your entrance. He took his time, slowly running his tongue through your slit over and over until you huffed with desperation. “You taste divine. I should’ve done this before. What a fool I was.” You moaned as he whirled the tip of his tongue in circles around your clit, gripping your hips to keep you from bucking against his mouth.

“Seven hells…” You gasped as he closed his lips around your sensitive nub to suckle on it while slowly pushing one of his fingers inside you, curling the digit rhythmically. “Aemond, fuck!” What a fucking traitor you were, delighting in the feeling of the enemy. But you couldn’t help it, the way he so expertly pleased you, being a traitor never felt so good.

Soon enough, Aemond added another finger, stretching you out preemptively, the lewd squelching sound coming from your cunt making your cheeks heat up like you had just stuck your face in an oven. But it was so erotic, even Aemond moaned at the sound, the vibration from his lips making you squeal softly. Though, it ended far too early in your opinion. You watched with parted lips as he came up for air, licking his slick coated lips with a smirk, crawling back up to kiss you hungrily.

You could feel his heavy cock poke at your entrance, making you clench in anticipation. Aemond didn’t even have to guide himself, he just slowly sank into you, both of you letting out loud gasps. He kept eye contact with you as he pushed in inch by inch, kissing all over your face whenever you winced or let out a soft cry, shushing you and trying to get you to relax around him. Even with foreplay, you didn’t know if you would ever get used to his size. But you were thankful he helped you adjust unlike last time. This time, he was sweet and attentive. You wondered where that side of him came from.

“Fuck…” Aemond groaned, finally bottoming out and stilling inside you. “You feel just as heavenly as the first time we lay together, beautiful.” You whimpered as the praise went straight to your core, making him hiss as you pulsed around him. “You can’t do that to me, princess. I want to take my time with you tonight.”

You let out a silent gasp as Aemond thrusted a couple times shallowly, trying to maintain his composure and be as gentle as possible until he settled into a slow but deep pace. You felt so full, his intense eye contact sending a shiver down your spine while the tip of his cock brushed up against that sweet spot inside you. He forced his arms underneath you, pulling you as close to him as possible, holding your back and pressing his chest against yours, like a horizontal hug. You wrapped your legs around his waist as he buried his head in the crook of your neck, pulling him deeper as he placed soft kisses on your skin, then turning his head to face you and kissing your cheek.

Feeling his breaths fanning across the side of your face, you turned your head to look at him, unable to restrain yourself from kissing him. You moaned wantonly as he sped up his thrusts slightly, angling his hips so he could hit that spot inside you over and over again. It was so intimate, the close proximity and sensuality of it all. Too much and not enough, but you gave all control over to Aemond. You didn’t trust him, it would take a long time for you to be able to trust him, but something told you he wouldn’t hurt you, not again.

You felt your orgasm build up gradually, each thrust of Aemond’s hips bringing you closer and closer to the edge, but you both didn’t rush, he wasn’t allowing that. But it almost made it better. You weren’t foolish enough to call it romantic, nothing about you and Aemond’s relationship was romantic, not yet at least; but in different circumstances, you could say this was romantic love making. The way he was looking at you made butterflies swirl in your stomach, like you were the only woman in King’s Landing. You hated how special it made you feel.

Your heavy panting echoed throughout the room as Aemond lifted himself up to reach down between the two of you to rub your clit slowly, kissing you languidly and swallowing every single one of your moans. “That’s it…” He moaned. “Come for me, princess.” It didn’t take any more encouragement, you were already so close, able to obey him immediately. Your orgasm wasn’t overpowering; it was slow and gentle much like Aemond’s thrusts and fingers, but it still raised goosebumps all over your body and hardened your nipples as it washed over you, a soft whimper escaping your lips.

Aemond kept up that slow and deep pace, sucking and biting each of your nipples, eliciting an overstimulated whine from you. “My pretty girl…my beautiful girl.” He whispered, kissing your forehead as he sped up his thrusts, grabbing your wrists and pinning them beside your head. “Mine…mine.” You let out a cry as he rutted against you faster and faster, jolting your body with each thrust, but he silenced you by kissing you, keeping his lips pressed against yours until his thrusts become sloppy and erratic. Aemond let out a low groan as he stilled inside you, his eye rolled to the back of his head as he coated your walls with his cum. He collapsed on top of you with heavy panting breaths, kissing along your collarbone as he came down from his high. “Are you okay?” He asked softly.

“Yes, Aemond. That was…lovely.” You smiled in exhaustion, quietly giggling to yourself as he rolled off you and laid down against the bed dramatically. “Will you stay this time?”

“If you wish.”

“I do.”

“Then here I’ll remain.”

It was hard to keep you and Aemond apart after that night. He was more gentle and protective over you. It took some time getting used to his affection, but there came a point when you didn’t think about how you had to be with him out of duty, like you were just a pawn in this war game. You started to enjoy his company. It didn’t take much convincing to get Alicent to agree to marry you to Aemond, seeing his infatuation for you and how it might turn the tide in their favor.

You had to send a letter to your mother about your betrothal to your uncle, which terrified you. The word traitor echoing in your mind over and over again. You knew Daemon would not take it well, knowing him. But you prayed to the Seven that your mother would call off the war, for the sake of your family and the whole kingdom.

You almost couldn’t believe it when Aemond came to you with a huge grin on his face, informing you that your mother had bent the knee for the sake of the realm, accepting Aegon’s terms if only she could attend your wedding. She did not want to rule over ash and bone, she wouldn’t be a good ruler if she went to war, knowing there would be a limitless amount of casualties if she went through with going to war. She just wanted to see her daughter again. 

A wave of relief washed over the entire Red Keep at the news, Alicent seeming even more overjoyed than you were.

The wedding would take place in a few days. You were excited for more than a few reasons. You would see your family again, Alicent having them come over by ship. And when you were a little girl, you always dreamed of having one of those fairytale weddings like most. It would be drastically different, but it excited you nonetheless. Aemond seemed to feel the same, relieved and overjoyed, but he only showed it when he was alone with you.

You finally felt at ease, like everything was going to work out.

Then came the night before the wedding, you felt the nerves flowing through your body. It had just now hit you that you were going to be marrying Aemond, in front of hundreds of people including your family. You weren’t one to get stage fright, but Seven Hells, you were frightened.

A knock on your door cut your thoughts short, calling out for whoever to enter your chambers. You relaxed when it was only Aemond, silently entering your room with a small smile. “I thought the groom wasn’t supposed to see the bride the night before the wedding.” You teased.

“I’m not superstitious.”

“No, you wouldn’t be. But, why have you come?”

“I have a gift for you. A wedding present.”

“Before the actual wedding?”

“Yes.” He chuckled, motioning for you to take a seat on the end of your bed. You waited with bated breath as he pulled out a small box, handing it to you tentatively. “Go on, open it.”

You carefully opened the little box, gasping at the contents inside. “Aemond…” You whispered, you looked at him in shock. It was a beautiful sapphire, very much resembling the one that replaced his own eye.

“The maesters said that your wound has healed enough that it could hold a gem comfortably. I chose the sapphire, but if you prefer something else, I can-”

“Aemond.” You interrupted him tearfully. “It’s beautiful. Perfect. I love it.”

“Only the best for you, my love.”

You never thought your life would end up this way. You never thought the situation you found yourself in would end happily, you thought it would end painfully and messy, but it didn’t. You were about to be married to someone you had grown to deeply care about. You were reunited with your family who supported you and loved you just the same as they had before. You finally felt that motherly love you had been craving these past couple months. 

As the wedding finally started, everyone in the audience whispered amongst themselves as you walked in, your long flowing white dress dragging along the floor, and a bright blue sapphire in your empty eye socket. You and Aemond stood in front of each other with big smiles on your faces, looking at each other like you two were the only people in the room. You looked at your family, seeing their smiles of approval, making you feel at peace more than you ever have in your life.

After saying your vows, swearing to honor and cherish each other before the Seven, you both sealed the engagement with a passionate kiss. You pulled away as everyone clapped and cheered, each other’s sapphire’s shimmering in the light and reflecting off each other.

The two of you truly looked like you were made for each other.

I"M SUCH A SUCKER FOR A HAPPY ENDING I"M SORRY I COULDN"T HELP MYSELF

tag list: @drawing-kitty1, @candypurplebutterfly, @siriusdumblittlepuppy, @chromesunbeams

[klausysworld]

Hii, I love your work <3, it's so good

I was wondering if you could do a Klaus x reader when Klaus is reader's psychologist or therapist and he knows all her shit and falls in love with her (I'd even like to see some jealousy from Klaus because reader always chooses men who treat her horrible and he tries to be professional about it but in the end he can't, he kind of thinks he would treat her better (even in the sexual part))

Which would hurt more?

Klaus had been seeing his client Y/n L/Y/N for a few weeks now, once on a Sunday and again on a Thursday for an hour or so each time depending on his schedule and if he could push other clients back to hear her.

He knew he probably shouldn’t have a favourite patient but despite most of their conversations being on rather traumatic or emotional topics, he looked forward to seeing her and listening to everything happening in her day to day life as well as her past.

He enjoyed seeing her progress and helping her to understand her own feelings. Even if he mostly listened and offered advice that he knew she wouldn’t actually use.

So there he was already waiting on his chair with the door open for her to come in while he got the past session notes out. His lips turned up as he heard her voice ring from the hall

“I’m so sorry I’m late Dr Mikaelson, I got caught up” she explained, through heavy breathing as she rushed in and closed the door before going to her usual choice of seating opposite him.

“Not an issue y/n, and please call me Klaus” he smiled at her and she quickly mirrored it as she dropped her bag and brushed the hair out of her face. “So, how was your morning?” He questioned while clicking his pen

“Well- okay so last night I was out with this guy right? Whatever, stayed the night at his but then woke up and I was like shit. I’m on the other side of town, no car, lost my keys, the dick took my cash from my purse and disappeared before I woke up and I couldn’t find my phone anywhere so I had to find my own way here without any money. Ergo I ran cuz I woke late and I’m just behind on everything, you?” She rushed out in one long breath leaving him speechless for a moment before glancing to his empty page.

And then began a long session about her decisions, how she got to them, how she would do them differently and why she thinks she chooses then more often than she’d like.

See Y/n seemed to do this a lot. From what Klaus could tell, she frequently allowed random men to use her body only to feel awful about herself after. He assumed it to be her own version of self harm, abusing her body to try feel better for a moment.

Problem was she didn’t see it that way, and he knew she planned to keep doing it. And although he had many suggestions, he couldn’t exactly tell her what she can and can’t do.

But he could be there for her and try to help her find a better way to her future.

And over time, he managed to see some change in her behaviour. She got more self aware and was able to move past some of her childhood trauma.

The problem with her being self aware was that she knew what she was doing and it was only upsetting her more each time she had to tell him that she’d done it again.

And although he hasn’t ever hugged a patient in the past, he couldn’t help but comfort her as she cried for nearly the entire session. It was his main mistake.

Having her in his arms felt too good for her to be just a client. Being able to smell her hair as her face nuzzled his neck was delightful and in that moment he wished they were stood in his their own house, under entirely different circumstances and together.

Of course once she pulled away and sniffled her ‘thank you’ back to him, he snapped out of it and cleared his throat to try and push away his thoughts.

And from then it only got worse.

One hug became many over the weeks, until she was greeting him and leaving him with a cuddle each time.

And then the dreams kicked in, he knew he could treat her so much better than any other and he loathed every man who took advantage of her vulnerable state. He just wanted to have her as his, to hold and love her like she deserved.

Of course he tried to shove his thoughts away when he actually saw her but then she began wearing more intriguing outfits. Revealing and suggestive clothing that surely drove his mind mad.

His eyes would shut and his lips would part as her breasts pushed right up against him and she hummed with her lips by his ear. Klaus couldn’t help his mind wondering to the idea of having his face between said breasts, hands squeezing and fingers pinching. He couldn’t help glance down for a second as they pulled away to get a peek at her cleavage and when he looked back to her eyes he knew she knew and that made it harder.

Months went by and he found himself waking up with her name fresh on his lips, cock up and solid, sweat coating his body as he groaned aloud and pulled the blanket off his body only to sigh in defeat at the cum that already covered his abs.

She made it difficult to concentrate on anything she was saying now that such a rich red lipstick painted her lips each day, his note book became more and more blank each session and he seemed to find himself picturing her in all sorts of positions as she told him about another imbecile she slept with. God he just wanted to have her beneath him, head back as she screamed his name and forgot about every fool she had ever been with before.

And when she kept coming to him upset or hurt both physically and/or emotionally by another boy…he couldn’t stop himself from snapping and telling her she needed to stop abusing herself which caused a heavy silence to hang over them.

She had cleared her throat and pulled at her jacket to hide her breasts that she had originally wanted on display for him.

And that’s when he realised that he was another person who she though would use her and leave her. She wanted him to hurt her.

He stood up slowly and moved to sit beside her on the couch she were on, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him, he rest his chin on top her head and sighed through his nose

“I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry y/n” he told her

“It’s fine, you’re right” she whispered but he could hear the crack in her voice and it hurt his heart.

He kissed her temple tenderly and helped her onto his lap which probably wasn’t his finest idea but he did so nevertheless. His hand gently rubbed up and down her arm as she bit the inside of her cheek in an attempt to not cry again in front of him even though it was what he was there for.

“I never mean to upset you sweetheart” he murmured, tucking some of her hand behind her ear

“I’m sorry” she whispered and he frowned

“No lovely, never be sorry, it’s my job to listen to you. I was very out of line…” he thought for a moment before his brain gave him a brilliant idea “how about we do something to cheer you up? You like sweet things don’t you y/n, how about we go to the cafe just down the street?” He offered

“Is that allowed?” She asked quietly, of course she wanted to spend time with him and she had purple been trying to get his attention but now she was getting it, she worried that it would hurt his career. He was a highly recommended psychologist and she wouldn’t ever want to ruin his reputation.

He hesitated for a moment before sighing “probably not no…but I’ll go get you something and bring it back okay? You happy to wait here?” He leaned back to see her face as she turned to him.

“Are you sure? I’ll grab my purse so-“

“Nonsense love, It’s my version of an apology” he hushed her as he stood “just stay here, snoop if you must and I’ll be back shortly” he kissed her forehead before leaving.

It was an odd situation to be in, her psychologist holding and kissing her and buying her things to make her feel better.

She thought she’d seduce him, fuck him and then he’d have to let her go as a client and she’d be on her own again. But he didn’t take her against his desk and then throw her out, he kept looking out for her, taking care of her and being kind. It was bizarre and everything in her argued on whether she should run or stay.

She wasn’t sure which would hurt more. Staying, falling completely in love with someone she knew she wasn’t allowed or running away from the only good thing in her life at the moment.

She was never great at decisions and Klaus knew that.

Which is why he wasn’t overly surprised when he got back with the cakes in his hands only to find that she had left only a note as a sign she had once been there.

He placed the food down and sighed, he shouldn’t have left her alone. He didn’t know what he was thinking anymore. He just knew that she was important to him now and he needed to find her, sooner rather than later.

[project-sekai-facts]

yo, do ya have any favourite lyrics and/or line distributions? akito getting multiple lines about dogs is neato

Hoshizora no Melody has my favorite lyrics in the game it's not even a tough choice. I love how well every character's arc is conveyed through only a few lines it's so good. Emu could never and would never leave PXL (her grandad) behind, and WxS was able to finally change things for her and help her protect it. Rui was outcast his whole life and he came to accept it as something that would never change - it wasn't until WxS (Tsukasa) reached out to him and let him be passionate about his dreams without judging him that he was finally able to turn things around. Tsukasa throws his all into theatre (making people happy) and it's something that is so deeply ingrained as a part of himself, but WxS let him actually pave the way to make his dream a reality. Nene was too shy to face anyone and couldn't get over the things in her way (her past failures), but she was able to rediscover her passion for singing and is able to sing for everyone once again.

The prechorus parts too, Emu and Tsukasa sing the part about realising that the world can make people smile because both of their dreams are to make people smile. Emu and Rui singing about the world giving life back to things they'd given up because Rui gave up on the thought of belonging and Emu was going to have to give up the Wonder Stage. Rui getting the part about celebrating the colors of the world because his dream is to create shows that anyone can enjoy regardless of identity.

As you said I think Akito getting lines about dogs is a nice little bit of recurring irony. I particularly like this example from Gekokujo that conveys his unwavering determination and drive even when he's faced with forces pushing against him really nicely. Also just Gekokujo's lyrics as a whole I think reflect the event so well.

N25 probably has the best lyric game like there's so many good examples from their songs. Particular favorites would have to be Engeki for summarising basically Mafuyu's entire life in such a gut-punching way, and Tricologe for a similar reason for Hoshizora in that it just does such a good job of representing every character.

IDSMILE/lower parallels my beloved <3

Gunjou Sanka is another favorite of mine. If you couldn't tell by now I love stuff that either tells a story or describes a character. Or both. All of Gunjou Sanka is so good and really packs a punch with the emotions but I really like the first verse and prechorus here where it describes the basics of each main story in just one or two lines each. I especially love the Leo/need segment about being able to believe in wanting to stay together since they've moved on from their pasts and are reuinted now.

And how could I forget Mr. Showtime. This one has such clever lyrics and I love the use of parentheses to add secondary meanings to certain parts. The whole song is perfection but I'm particularly fond of this section here, specifically the last line because it understands Tsukasa so much better than like half the fandom does. Theatre is something that Tsukasa genuinely dedicates everything to, in some ways (every way) it is his life. Phoenix is a great example to demonstrate that because it highlights just how much it means to him and how he's willing to put it above everything else, including his own wellbeing, to try and overcome the obstacles he faces. At the end of the day though, even if it's tough and can feel like it's taking too long or isn't worth it, the roadblocks he doesn't anticipate are the ones that help him improve most and get closer to his dream than anything else.

also just this one lyric from Showtime Ruler I love character development. Karasuyasabou actually says that's his favorite in the song, and he talked quite a lot about the lyrics for the rest of the song in his corocoro interview. I'd suggest giving it a read because it's pretty interesting what he says about how he wrote it.

this is getting a bit long so i'll stop here haha

[elbdot]

just saw your opinions on the champs, So what's your opinions on the rivals you know?

I played all mainline games from Gen 6 to Gen 9 except for the Diamond/Pearl remakes, so we have the XY-Gang, Brendan, Hau, Gladion, the 3 Galar rivals and Nemona.

Obviously I am very biased and love Hau and Gladion the most out of the bunch, but when it comes to the ROLE of being an ACTUAL Rival, I'd say Nemona's the most competent out of the bunch. I like that she's already a Champion-class trainer when you start out and that she's just incredibly eager to watch you grow, sensing a worthy opponent in you. She's so obsessed with battles and your progress as a trainer that you can't tell if she's crushing on you or if she is just THAT obsessed with finally getting a rival on her skill-level.

Brendan I don't really have an opinion on, the XY-Gang I think we all agree on is the most forgettable set of rivals, but I don't hate them either. They're just there.

I know y'all gonna behead me for this but I'm not a huge fan of the Gen 8 rivals. Hop just makes me SAD. I wish they would've handled his story differently, because his decision to become a Professor in the end feels like a sad plan B rather than him actually discovering a PASSION for the profession, there was no build-up for it. He keeps losing battles and you feel sorry for him because YOU are the cause of him basically giving up his dream of becoming Champion. Him changing course to become a Professor doesn't feel like a happy conclusion and more like him having no other option but to give up his original goal.

Bede is a PIECE OF SHIT but in a GOOD WAY. But the most frustrating part about him is that he HAS an interesting story going on - but you're just not a part of that. SWSH constantly manages to make you feel like an NPC. You are not involved in the conflicts of the characters. Bede fucks up all on his own and pays the price and you're just kind of a bystander. His story keeps unfolding OFF-SCREEN and we just get to see tiny scraps of it and it made me SO FREAKING FRUSTRATED, you're not really a part of his story so you don't even feel like you're his rival at all! And lastly...Marnie. OOF...here we go...I'M SO SORRY YOU GUYS, BUT- Marnie is probably the most boring rival out of them all. There's just nothing to her. I CANNOT for the life of me understand why people love her so much. I've seen arguments of her having a "great storyline" but that's like saying "oh I REALLY enjoyed THIS particular crumb of salted cracker" that is the entire storyline of SWSH. It's paperthin. It holds NO substance. She wants to bring attention to her hometown, good for her. But her ambition didn't grab me, her popularity ingame surrounding Team Yell didn't really make sense to me and her highlight of her arc is...cheering for you. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOW Not to mention her outfit is just as much of a clash of concepts as her character. It's like they couldn't make up their mind if she should be the next cute Lillie in a sweet pink dress or the next edgy Gladion in a leather jacket, so they did BOTH but WITHOUT IT ACTUALLY BEING REFLECTED IN HER PERSONALITY or it being INTERESTING SHE'S JUST CUTE-LOOKING AND THAT'S IT THERE I SAID IT

Oh my god everybody's gonna hate me SO MUCH for this opinion oH GOD - I've been holding these thoughts in for TOO LONG, I HAVE to let them out now Like NO OFFENSE to anyone liking her - SWSH definitely has some of the best character designs in terms of trainers and despite having almost NOTHING to offer story-wise, these designs still managed to carry the entire generation somehow, even with the majority of characters showing little to no personality due to the poor writing. I think people are just attached to an IDEA of what she COULD have been rather than what she actually is ingame.

And the same goes for me with Guzma tbh because I'm more attached to the version I made up rather than what is actually reflected in the game LMAO I took the crumbs I got and RAN WITH THEM

[aroace-poly-show]

its probably not a song that hw would cover sound wise perhaps but. inochi ni kirawarete iru's lyrics. (specifically thinking ruinene here)

"i couldn't care a bit if i died, but i'd be pretty sad if the people around me did / i suppose it’s some kind of ego; that goes “because I just wouldn’t like it” and "i couldn't care a bit if i died, But I’m wanted alive by the people around me"

"Are these wounds really ok to be expressed with words like “I’m lonely”

"If we’re going to end up sad and if that’s fine, then you gotta laugh alone forever"

"I don’t need dreams or even a tomorrow, If you’ll have lived on then that’s all I need. Yeah… That’s actually what I want to sing about."

"Killing, struggling, laughing, shouldering it all, living, living, living, living-- just live."

idk just something about the vibe of. our self worth is at rock bottom but i care about you so let's just keep living and living and living on

AWAWAWAWAWA YEAH YEAH ITS SO. ITS SO HW RUINENE….sobs…

i’m gonna take this opportunity to give some of my thoughts on the song judas by abuse and hw. i can make any song about the character. /ref

well. it’s more of a rui song in general ( staring at the chorus lyrics) but i’m on that hw brainrot and thought too hard about it and now it’s permanently connected to hw in my head. hear me out.

“MARCH! Someone called you a "walking" creature. MARCH! Someone called you a "lamenting" creature” rui. hw rui as well of course. but yeah. feel like its self explanatory.

“Good morning, it's no problem if you cry, shout Or laugh. Look, your facial expression in this photo looks funny” hear me out i have a very specific visual in my head featuring hw ruinene for this like cause like they. they have this wall between them. but they still tease each other just like this like everything’s the same like they aren’t keeping themselves closed off from the other and. augh. do you see my vision.

“I want to change, I want to change myself! Please, change my life!” hw. they all. they all have Something about them that they so desperately want to change. they want things to be different. so fucking bad. they all take that opportunity to try again and to change in main story. yknow. am i making sense.

“MARCH! Someone called you a "deciding" creature MARCH! You are a "killing" creature” rui again. at its core this is a rui song to me <3

"I don't need it, it doesn't feel good" hw excluding tsukasa lying like they don’t still love shows with all their heart

“My need for attention is unbearable” i still need to get around to do his post but TSUKASA. TSUKASA. need i say more.

“I admit, that I will never change, You can only change, what can be changed” mmmmmmmmm. rui rui rui rui and his belief and acceptance that he’ll always be that weirdo kid who’s never trusted but also emu and her feelings about her childishness and aughhhhhhh

“That's why, our feelings/Make the world more beautiful?” throws up and dies. hwcore fucking line.

“MARCH! Someone called you a "walking" creature. MARCH! Someone called you a "lamenting" creature. MARCH! Someone called you a "deciding" creature. March on, you continue to live.” RUI AGAIN BUT THAT LAST FUCKKNG LINE. march on you continue to live. hw entirely. hello. is anyone out there. are you hearing me.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

All right, I did a post yesterday about the Cowgate incident of 2003, which started because I read the disappointing news that the site of the incident will be closed to the public when I'm in Edinburgh this summer, and I literally read it during a brief period of being awake in the middle of a fever dream. And then of course I made a post about it, because if you wake up in the middle of a fever dream, you always have to post about the real-life incident that most resembles the content of an actual fever dream.

This made me realize it's been a little while since I've actually watched that video, I went through a year or so of re-watching it at least once a week (mainly because it became a go-to re-watch when drunk, particularly near the end of the night when I no longer wanted to focus on anything coherent or longer than a few minutes, personally I'd never want to be at a comedy show while drunk but I do see why they'd do this for a drunk crowd, it appeals to that side of the brain), but I hadn't seen it in six months or so. I thought, I've probably been building this up in my head a bit in the six months of not actually watching it. The idea of Cowgate as a weird drunken fever dream (though one enjoyable thing about it is that besides Adam Hills and the entire audience I'm pretty sure the people involved were sober, as that was sort of the Chocolate Milk Gang's thing, getting their name specifically because they were the only people who didn't get drunk at late-night Edinburgh shows, instead they went for milkshakes across the road) had become a running joke in my mind and sometimes my Tumblr references, but at this point it's more of a symbol than anything else. After writing that post that ran with the joke of it being an iconic violent ritual, I thought it would be fun to spend some of my sick day at home re-watching the actual video, expecting to find that it just looks like relatively expected raucous comedy show shenanigans, not quite as mind-breakingly weird as I remember.

...Guys, it's exactly as I remembered. It's so weird. I've made multiple deep dive Cowgate posts before, but not for at least six months (I think the last time I did it one was for the 20th anniversary, August 26 last year, so almost exactly six months, actually), and I think six months should be long enough to make me allowed to repeat myself on the subject. Because there's almost nothing I haven't said before, but watching it again made me want to say it all again. And I do mean almost - I think I did discover one new detail while watching it between fever dreams yesterday. It's pretty good.

Okay, first of all, here's the video in all its glory:

I cannot emphasize enough how much the first time I came across this it was 2 AM and I had no context for understanding where they were or what was going on. Since then, I have figured out: it's a show called Late 'n' Live. It takes place on many nights throughout the Edinburgh Festival, at a venue called the Gilded Balloon. The Gilded Balloon is owned by Karen Koren. It burned down in 2002 and was rebuilt nearby, this video is from 2003, in the rebuilt venue on Teviot Place. The Late 'n' Live event runs from around 11:30 PM to around 3:30 AM and consists of a bunch of comedians who come on, sometimes to do their own sets and sometimes to do shit like this, managed by a compere, and after that they bring out a band and it turns into a dance floor. At this time, it was known for being a bearpit with a drunk and rough crowd that sometimes got violent. For several years in the late '90s and early '00s, it was famous compered by Johnny Vegas. It was then compered, throughout the early- and mid-00s, by Daniel Kitson. I mean I think there was some crossover, obviously they didn't just have one compere for an entire month and people besides those two guys did it too, some people had to get some sleep at some point. Anyway, these are all things that I know as a direct result of the rabbit hole I went down after finding this video and needing to understand what the ever loving fuck was going on in it. I actually know a lot more than that about Late 'n' Live, but there isn't time for it all right now. I've watched a four-part BBC Scotland documentary series about the history of Late 'n' Live. I watched a Tim Minchin documentary mainly because I like Tim Minchin but a little bit because it had a lot of the Gilded Balloon in it and that was relevant to my Late 'n' Live research. I have an entire folder on my hard drive called Late 'n' Live and it has too many files in it.

One of them's a gif of David O'Doherty throwing his entire body with abandon onto different things at Late 'n' Live in different years: onto Jason Byrne in 2003, onto the floor in 2005, and onto Daniel Kitson in 2007. All clips I found in entirely different sources and decided they needed to be together.

Anyway. I'm getting off topic. Already. Cowgate. The point is Cowgate. I named the incident Cowgate because that's the name of the neighbourhood where the original Gilded Balloon was, and, you know, it was a cow. A cow and what looked like it had to be some sort of scandal. I think it's very clever.

So here's the thing. After I first found that video, which seemed like a tiny relic of one of many moments of one of many nights on one of many years that this stuff went on, and I set about obsessively looking things up for weeks to try to figure out what they were doing, in the process I came across a second video that also happened to capture the same moment. Amazing stuff.

The former video was on the Gilded Balloon's YouTube channel, and seemed to have been filmed officially by the venue staff. This latter one was a montage of videos taken throughout the night by an audience member who apparently had whatever people used to film things at gigs in 2003. Wouldn't have been a camera phone back then.

This video shed a bit of light on some of the essential mysteries of Cowgate, but didn't actually answer many, and to be honest it asked more questions than it answered. Obviously, one of the main questions I had about Cowgate was "Where did the cow come from?" I'd wondered whether the Chocolate Milk Gang had somehow procured it, or whether they took something that was already there. Both options would open up a lot more questions, such as where did they get it, and if it wasn't there because they specifically put it there for the purposes of taking it apart, how did they get permission to take it apart?

The longer video suggests that it's the latter. It shows Daniel Kitson earlier in the night, messing around with the cow the way he might if its presence on stage were a surprise to him as well as to the audience.

The other essential question is "Why did they attack it?", and this earlier scene may suggest a possible reason. From the dialogue, it seems that Kitson jumped on top of it because the crowd told him to, and then the crowd keeps shouting other cow-based challenges at him, and he makes fun of them for suggesting challenges that are too easy (jump off it, touch it, etc.). The video then cuts, but it is possible that he challenged the crowd to ask him to do something difficult with it, and they said to tear it apart, and then it escalated. That scene seems to be from the beginning of the night, and we know the actual Cowgate ritual was the last thing that happened in the night, because right after they finish Kitson brings the band out and that occurs after the comedy ends. So it's possible that they could have come up with the challenge at the beginning, spent a few hours sourcing various weapons, and then done this at the end.

That theory of course brings up other questions, like how they decided on the weaponry. And, again, why they were allowed to do that. The answer to that question depends on where the cow came from, which I still don't know. I once spent a week looking up the International Cow Parade because I thought maybe it was part of that, but I don't think so anymore. It has the word Metro on the side of it, and someone in the YouTube comments called it the Metro cow. So it was probably an advertisement, not an art piece. But I wouldn't have thought your allowed to take apart a company's advertising installation. Maybe it was going to be destroyed after the festival anyway? Also, why was there a cow-based Metro advertisement on the floor at a comedy gig anyway?

I'd like to go through the video in further detail, as I've done many times before, but not for six months so I think I'm allowed a new one, and also I've come up with one (1) new fact (theory) so that's worth doing the whole thing again. I've just spent two days sick in bed, please allow me to indulge in this.

- Right at the beginning, the "three chances" thing still confuses me. That line really suggests that this is a challenge, not just a weird stunt, that they are being tested to see if they can do it. Possibly tested by an audience that was told to come up with a more difficult idea for something the comedians could try with a cow.

But what are the paramatres of the challenge? To take the cow apart, sure, but the "three chances" line implies more specific restrictions. Did they try this two other times earlier in the night and weren't able to do it? Perhaps tried it earlier with fewer weapons? Or did "three chances" mean three people are allowed to work on it? Doesn't seem likely, as Kitson jumped in fairly quickly and made it four.

- Adam Hills sounds like he's referencing something with "literally bottle it". I know "bottle it" is a expression that means "fuck it up", but I don't see how that's literal in this case. Was there a bottle involved? What would bottling it mean in this instance? Failing the audience's challenge? I don't even know for sure that it was an audience challenge, that's just a guess based on the beginning. It could be something else entirely.

- The part where John Oliver, Demetri Martin, and David O'Doherty scurry across the stage like squirrels makes me laugh every time. Why are they all bent over? What are they hiding from?

- David O'Doherty appears to be the only person who came out carrying a weapon. In the first shot of the guys attacking the cow, DO'D is hitting it with a hammer that he presumably brought from backstage. The other two are pulling on it with their bare hands. Then, in a detail I find hilarious, Demetri Marin reaches behind him and grabs what appears to be a chisel off the floor. I guess what probably happened is he did bring that with him from backstage, then put it down, and we just see him pick it back up. But the editing makes it look like he's tried pulling the horns, it didn't work, so he turned around and grabbed the nearest tool, like a character in a video game that just finds useful weapons lying around.

- It also makes me laugh that Adam Hills used his rap-based narration to make sexual jokes about the cow, while Kitson puts his hand over his mouth/in the air like a rapper, to show he's totally on board with this gangsta rap thing, but also, they have shit to and it's (presumably) nearly 4 AM, so the actual content of his lyrics is going to be to give useful practical advice on how to get this job done. Because they're not combining the tools, and you really need to use the chisel and hammer together or it'll never work.

I enjoy the way at this point, John Oliver takes just the briefest break from attacking a facsimile cow with his bare hands to look up Kitson, looking quite impressed with his approach to the situation. "Yes, thank you Daniel, finally some helpful ideas instead of just cowfucking jokes, now let's get that chisel over here."

- It can be hard to see in the darkness, but this whole thing is basically a Kitson and Oliver-oriented plan. Kitson shouts at DO'D to "combine the chisel and the hammer". John Oliver then points like he's directing a play, getting DO'D to bring his hammer to the other side.

DO'D does this, but puts the hammer down on the ground over there, instead of combining it with anything. That's when Kitson taps DO'D on the back like a pretend wrestler tagging in, possibly deciding that if he stays on the sidelines rapping all night, they'll never get this done and be allowed to leave. So he pushes DO'D out of the way, and takes his spot next to John Oliver. Then he reaches down and grabs a random chisel off the ground, again like a video game character. Then he reaches over the cow and picks up the hammer that DO'D has discarded (like a video game character), so he is now combining the chisel and the hammer. At the same time, John Oliver has physically taken the first chisel out of Demitri Martin's hand, and starts working on the same end as Kitson. Now they're getting somewhere.

- This is one of those videos that's funny every time if you keep running it back to watch the same eight seconds over but this time focus on a different person. DO'D tries to get in after Kitson straight-up stole his spot, leans in but can't find an opening, gives up and walks all the way around them both to try the other end of the cow because clearly the Kitson and Oliver dream team have this end sewn up.

- Then, there's a curveball: someone with the word CREW on the back of their shirt comes out of absolutely nowhere, and hands John Oliver a lead pipe, like a character fucking Clue(do, depending where you live). Where did this come from? Do most stages have large bits of piping lying around backstage? Was John Oliver supposed to bring it on stage with him but forgot it so they had to run it out to him? Or did those crew people decide that they're not making enough progress, someone had better find a large pipe and bring it on stage and hand it to John Oliver so we can all go home.

I've been writing this post so far while watching the official video - the one off the Gilded Balloon YouTube channel - but I think you get a much better view of this specific part from the way it was captured in the montage by an audience member. It's another part that I find incredibly funny. John Oliver is methodically working away with Demitri Martin's chisel and his own hands. Then someone hands him a large weapon, and he immediately raises it above his head like a sword and starts whacking the thing full tilt. Scares the shit out of Kitson on one side of him and DO'D on the other. They both jump, Demitri Martin just cautiously circles away.

In the words of a John Oliver bit that is long outdated but lives on in our hearts and my DVD collection... whaky stick. Whacky stick!!!

Kitson, after initially jumping, responds by choosing to imitate John's style, and starts raising the hammer over his own head to attack it with full force in the same way. While DO'D literally cowers in the corner:

And Demitri Martin continues to do what he's been doing since John took his tool away, which is to run his hands over the body of a cow like a mechanic sizing up a car. He has contributed almost nothing to this operation. I don't even think Demetri Martin knows how to take cows apart. Too busy turning letters into numbers and stuff.

- After getting over the initial excitement of waving a pipe around wildly, John Oliver employs the more thought-out strategy of using it like a lever, trying to prise it open at the seam. Kitson gets in beside him and starts attacking this same seam, striking the weak spot repeatedly with the hammer. In the background, DO'D and Demetri Martin appear to try jumping on the thing.

This is the strategy they're still employing the moment the cow finally comes apart:

I've observed this from multiple angles, and at first I thought Kitson deserved the most credit for breaking it, but now I think it was mainly John Oliver's work. Definitely a team effort though (or at least a dual effort, not sure how much the other two helped, though to be fair the bigger boys took their tools away). It comes apart at the exact spot where Kitson was hitting it with the hammer, you can see Kitson give it a hard kick, then one more strike, then put his arms up in celebration as this strike breaks it in half. But I'm pretty sure it was John's leverage from behind him that allowed him to split the thing.

- At this point they all contribute to pulling it the rest of the way apart; Kitson and Martin hold the top half while Oliver and DO'D take out the bottom. This is another part I find very funny - the way they're so matter-of-fact about handing it out to the audience. Look at John Oliver and David O'Doherty marching this across the stage like they're workers delivering a coach or something:

- Then the camera shows the cow being crowd surfed. The YouTube comments say: "The Metro cow got smashed in two and crowd surfed over everyone out the back door". In his lyrics, Adam Hills talks about taking it up the Royal Mile. The Royal Mile is the street outside, so all this suggests that they continued to take the cow outside and down the street. Was that part of the challenge? Was the initial plan to take the thing apart and then have it carried through the streets of Edinburgh? How far did this cow go?

- I have so far compared them to video game characters, board game characters, tag-team pretend wrestlers, a mechanic, and delivery workers. But my favourite thing to compare them to is probably at the end, when they celebrate like football players who've just won a big match.

"Great work everyone, good hustle out there, really pulled together as a team. Okay, now hit the showers. I want to see you all dressed and ready for milkshakes in ten minutes flat."

- There is so much going on in this video that I find it easier to not try to focus on it all at once, I have to do one thing and then backtrack. So now that I've gone through the whole video while looking at what the rest of them were doing, I need to backtrack and go over the lyrics to Adam Hills' song.

Question: Did Adam Hills think he was going to have to do this alone, or was he supposed to have Kitson co-MC-ing, but then Kitson jumped in partway through? Because I think the latter may have happened. Kitson was the compere for the whole night, as we see in the montage video.

Adam Hills If you had three chances Would you take them? Or would you quite literally bottle it?

As I said before: don't know what he's talking about there. What got literally bottled? Why three chances?

His palms are sweaty, his hair is sweaty He's ready to shoot spaghetti He's got a cow on stage It's got red horns, it's all the rage

This is veering wildly off topic, but I just want to mention that that Adam Hills got his off the cuff "stage/all the rage" rhyme because he'd heard DO'D use it in a freestyle rap battle with Daniel Kitson, that we know from the montage took place earlier than night (another one of my favourite videos, but we don't have time to go into this one right now):

It's cow tipping, it's not quite shitty Get that cow down in this city Take it up the Royal Mile, attack it with a hammer Kitson's on the stage, he's [?] with a hammer

Again, how far did the cow go? They had clearly planned from the beginning (of this song, at least) to have it out on the Royal Mile. YouTube comments confirm it left the building.

David O'Doherty's going up the ass It's time to fuck this motherfucking class Fuck the udder (x4) Let's get this udder fucking cow out of here

After all the times I've watched this video, this is the first time I've noticed that Adam Hills tried a pun on "mother fucking" there. Glad he's having a good time.

Daniel Kitson Davey, Davey, what you need to do Is combine the chisel and the hammer

Finally, some useful fucking advice.

Adam Hills There's Martin, Demitri Martin The Perrier win has left me smartin'

This was August 26, Hills' song mentions later that it's the last night of Late 'n' Live for that year, so the Perrier Awards had just been given out. In 2003, Demetri Martin won the main award over other nominees: Reginald D. Hunter, Flight of the Conchords, Howard Read and Little Howard, and Adam Hills. Adam Hills, who had also been nominated the previous year, when he lost to Daniel Kitson, and the year before that, when he lost to Garth Marenghi. So he is actually being, as a YouTube comment said, a pretty good sport to jump in and have fun about it. If I were him I'd probably resent losing out an award again and then not even getting to smash shit up.

John Oliver, he's the man If that pipe won't do it, nothing can David O'Doherty, he comes from Ireland, the land of the green Daniel Kitson, he's got a hammer He's also got one motherfucking stammer

I quite enjoy the way no one responds to any of this. Adam Hills starts calling them out by name, including bringing up Kitson's stutter and DO'D nationality and his awards rivalry with Demetri Martin, and none of them even briefly looks at him. They are all very busy and focused on the important task of destroying a cow.

It's time to break this cow down It's time to break this cow down It's not time to chow down It's time to break this cow down

I want this verse embroidered on a throw pillow. Actually, I think I want these entire lyrics printed out and framed on my wall.

Late 'n' Live, Late 'n' Live, it's the very last night It's time to wrap this show up tight Send it out the front, send it out the... [cow breaks apart] Break the cow, break it in half Lead it out the front to the path

Once again, talk of parading this thing around outside the venue. Where were they taking it?

Karen Koren, she's outside She's got petrol dripping down her eyes There was a fire at the Gilded Balloon The police found no one else was to blame If this season doesn't go well This fucking venue's going up in flames

That, of course, is a reference to the Gilded Balloon's history. It burned down in a fire in December 2002. It's now August 2003, and they're in a new venue that was rebuilt nearby. Karen Koren is the venue's owner. I'm pretty sure Adam Hills is implying that she's going to burn down the new venue if the performers don't do well enough. Actually, he's not implying that, he's outright stating it. What he's implying is that she burned down the first venue, presumably for the insurance money, and she is currently outside ready to burn this one down too, if they perform badly enough to make the insurance money worth more than the shows bring in.

The cow's in half, the cow's in half Let's hear it for the cow in half!

This is like that famous poem that was allegedly written by a child about a tiger breaking out of its cage. Sheer poetry.

Tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I Got out of bed at all The morning sun goes up my window And I can't see at all And even if I could, it'd all be grey But your picture on my wall It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

What's interesting about this is that these are the lyrics to Stan, which is a different Eminem song from the one he was (sort of) singing at the beginning, which was lose yourself. This may or may not be related to the fact that Adam Hills is the only person in this performance who was not a member of the Chocolate Milk Gang, which was a group of comedians known for not getting drunk during or after late-night Edinburgh shows.

It may also be related to the fact that this is a clip of the Edinburgh show that Adam Hills had just spent a month performing:

So he had Stan in his head all month anyway, he was on stage and remembered he was supposed to be singing an Eminem song, his brain told him that the Eminem song he sings on stage is Stan. Fair enough.

Though it's worth noting that those aren't the correct lyrics to Stan either. The Eninem song says the clouds come up the window, not the sun. Why would it be all grey and hard to see if the sun came up the window?

Crowd surf the cow, people.

I want all those lyrics printed out in fancy calligraphy font. And ornately framed. And on my wall.

So that's Cowgate, in case anyone wants to know. But this is just stuff I've said before. I said I had a new detail, didn't I? Well here it is:

Who is that man, sat unobtrusively in the background, playing the percussion set? Of course we have no way of knowing, in such low quality video without any clear shots of his face. Or do we? Because here is a screenshot of Flight of the Conchords, sitting on that very cow, earlier in the same night! (We know it was the same night because it was taken from the montage of the whole night, which ended with a second angle on Cowgate.)

Am I wrong? I might be wrong, tell me if you think I'm wrong. But I think that's Jermaine Clement playing percussion back there. Based on the evidence that: He was there that night. He does play the drums. He's a bona fide member of the Chocolate Milk Gang. And he has the same vague outline and shirt colour as the guy in those screenshots. And he was in the background of the Kitson/DO'D battle rap video, playing guitar, so he does sometime play music to accompany other comedians doing weird shit at Late 'n' Live. My new detail is I think Jermaine Clement was on the stage during Cowgate.

It is cool, really. I mean, I'm obviously being vaguely ironic by treating this late-night comedy show stunt as a vitally important mysterious ritual. But I genuinely think that what happened there is fucking cool, if you look at all those people being on one stage doing something so stupid together, and then consider where they all went after that.

And if Jermaine Clement was there, that just adds to it. The variety and international breadth of all the different comedy careers all in one place just as they were on the cusp of taking off. I mean, by plenty of definitions some had taken off already, but they have all taken off significantly more since then. Almost as though on one night in 2003, they all sacrificed a cow to the gods of success and it worked. Of the main five people involved in the sacrifice rituals, there are three Perrier Awards (Kitson, DO'D, Demetri Martin - though to be fair two of those were won before Cowgate happened so I guess we can't attribute it to the sacrifice), an MBE (Hills), and a shitload of Emmys (Oliver). Which I think they should all bring in for the prize task of the Taskmaster episode that I imagine with those five as the contestants (it's okay, I think this is worth setting racial and gender representation on panel shows back by 20 years), the studio task is to take a cow apart, the winner gets all the trophies.

That's a lot of countries. The Australian Adam Hills, the British Daniel Kitson, the American Demetri Martin, the Irish David O'Doherty, the Kiwi Jermaine Clement, and the now-British/American John Oliver. All with wildly different types of careers. All, for different reasons, among my favourite comedians. I have seen or heard all of the official video or audio stand-up releases by all six of those people (and possibly 1 or 2 or several hundred or so unofficial ones as well). And not because of this video or anything, I sought them out because those are among my favourites and then they were all on stage doing this unhinged thing together.

It's the great mystery of my lifetime, I still want to know where the fuck they got that cow. And I'm genuinely annoyed that I won't be able to see the stage where it happened when I go to Edinburgh this year, but it's all right, I'll look at the outside.

If I ever get to meet any of these people, this is the first question I'm asking. No I don't need to know anything else about your career, just please tell me, what the fuck was going on with that fucking cow in 2003?

[cuubism]

20 questions for fic writers!

tagged by @arialerendeair :) wow this is an ambitious game XD

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

162

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

906,535. I'm trying to hit 1 mil by the end of the year so wish me luck 😂

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Basically just Shadowhunters and Sandman with occasionally forays into others.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

a lucky break(out) (2,457), mind & heart, body & soul (2,112), don't mess with the high warlock of brooklyn (1,723), In Waking Dreams (1,141), and Complex Mathematics (1,068). Kind of a surprising spread tbh.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always, though it can take a while. It just feels nice to do.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Certainly After Life. Magnus died in that one.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmm, most of my fics have reasonably happy endings. The Silly Rabbit series is very happy. The chaotic whumptober fic Kidnapping Your Heart is basically just crack so I'd consider that one pretty happy too 😂

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Only rarely, and usually it's on fics that I'd considered relatively unobjectionable, like MHBS, which is funny. The more fucked up stuff doesn't get hate but the stuff I thought was casual and mainstream does 😂 dunno why

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes, though it's something I've had to get gradually more comfortable with over several years. With each fic I become further corrupted and venture into kinkier material. This can only be a good thing. I don't know exactly what we mean by what kind... I like when it's heavy on the feelings. Especially if the feelings are unspoken.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Usually no, but I threw Aziraphale and Crowley into Nightingales for one chapter. If I did ever write more crossovers it would probably only be between canons that seem to naturally meld together (like Good Omens and Sandman).

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Well not that I know of [knock on wood]

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yup, Points of View was translated into Russian. Very cool.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Never in the direct sense of both contributing writing to the same document. I don't think that method would work well for me. But @magnusbae is my perennial brainstorming buddy who's crafted the backend story and vibes of so many of my fics, especially dreamling. I've done the same with @silver-lily-louise for some malec stories before too.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

I don't know if I have one. Malec maybe for sheer longevity. I'm usually obsessed with one thing at a time and then just not obsessed with it at all at other times XD

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Oof. I'd still like to finish my malec wips XD I begin to fear that I won't, though, since some would be so long and I've made so little progress on them this year. Maybe, though.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue (also my favorite part to write). Creating weird concepts, magics, functions of the world and so on. Language & style.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Sometimes I have to remind myself to do character introspection. I'll get through an entire scene and realize I haven't remarked at all on what the POV character is feeling, shown it externally maybe but not had them actually reflect internally. It comes from a combination of two things: spending a while in school writing film scripts and internalizing that writing style (all visuals no internal narration), plus just being kinda dissociated from my own feelings most of the time 😂 my characters aren't feeling shit because neither am I. I also tend to overcomplicate my plots and get myself mired in them, it's the number one reason I get stuck on fics or don't manage to finish them.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I've only done it very very sparingly and I'm careful to get it right. Only used if it makes specific contextual sense.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Funnily enough it was probably also malec back when I was a teenager, before Shadowhunters show even existed, though I never posted anything then.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Oh gosh. For malec probably still dissolution. For dreamling I'm extremely fond of Deja vu, Deja connu, it really pushed me outside the bounds of the types of stories I usually gravitate towards, in a good way. At the moment more of my 'favs' are probably in sandman simply because changing fandoms forced me to up my game and expand my comfort zone, which was a good thing. I also really like how Patron Saint came out, I hadn't been that happy with a one shot in a while, and writing from Death's POV really helped me grasp her character better. One of my only fics that had a platonic relationship at its core, too.

tagging @pellaaearien, @tharkuun, @im-not-corrupted if you feel compelled to do 20 whole questions XD

[bakurasilver]

hello I am so curious about all of the WIPs but I'd love to hear more about Wout and About - being bratty on the bus <3

Sooooo way back when I was the world's most devoted shipper of Julian Alaphilippe/Tim Declercq (which I still am, even though they're on different teams now. There are like ten or so pictures of them where neither of them Julian is making a face.) but this was obviously not going to be a pairing which Took Off 😭. Reading other people's work (back when we had at most one fic a month) got me vaguely into the possibility of Wout/Mathieu, and I had a tentative go at writing them as the B Couple in a Julian/Tim fic (one of the others on the list), but then I saw them actually racing, and how could anyone not love Wout!! And despite how much this season is affecting their rivalry (also the media being constantly all, Wout Is So Useless), he and Mathieu will be linked forever in rl, let alone in fanfiction land. And whilst I think real Mathieu is way more 'no thoughts head empty' than my version of him, he's just so narratively honed that it's almost unrealistic he actually exists. He's just the perfect shape to project almost anything onto.

Then I had a just super pornographic dream about them, and thought, well, I don't even have to edit this, beyond removing Guillaume Martin (who was wandering around entirely bored by sub!Wout kissing dom!Mathieu's feet... I keep writing GM into the corners of things I shall never publish, knowing this will make no one laugh but me, but whatever shenanigans are going on with the main couple, he'll just be around and so wearily disinterested in their love life.)

But in this random bit of porn they were using hand gestures to continuously convey consent, and I couldn't help but wonder why. So I started a prequel to answer a question no one but me had, which is what Feeling bratty on the bus is.

The plot, such as it is, is Wout is grumbling on the team bus that sometimes he wants to push back against what Mathieu tells him to do for a while but does still ultimately want to be obedient, only Mathieu always halts procedings because he doesn't want to do anything Wout's not enthusiastically consenting to. Sepp Kuss (That's me, putting the dom into domestique! which I still think is one of the funniest lines I have ever written) then gives him a lecture about how it's okay to be a bratty sub, but Wout needs to explain this to Mathieu, as clearly neither of them have done any research. He attempts to give some examples from his own entirely offscreen relationship with Brandon McNulty (I'm still convinced this is a ship which has potential, but I do Not know enough about either of them to write it), but Wout is Inspired, and runs off to message Mathieu.

Mathieu does some research before the bus gets to the hotel (why is he there? Reasons! Why is he suddenly such a fast reader? Well he can read, he just doesn't!) and they go up to the hotel room, where Wout freaks out at being emotionally vulnerable. Mathieu tells him it'll be fine, even if Wout doesn't know how to say any of the above out loud, and that all Wout needs to do is find a way to let him know he's still super into what they're doing. Hence, the hand gestures. They then cuddle, and Wout takes a nap, exhausted by Having Had Feelings.

It's basically done, but also probably the least sexy BDSM-adjacent fic ever written (I don't think they even talk about sex, apart from in the vaguest terms). So I'm just not sure the world has any need for it, but sometimes I have an urgent need to read, Wout Was Having A Difficult Moment But Then Cuddles, hence why it's still sat there <3

[graceshouldwrite]

How to Write Musicians

I hope that this post is helpful for anyone who's writing musician characters! As a musician myself, I love reading about them and definitely encourage people to write them, so much so that I'm actually considering adding instruments like violin or piano into my fantasy world...

1. Determine what type of musician you're writing about

The most typical character that comes to mind is probably the instrument performer, but musicians come in all shapes. Composers, conductors, accompanists, recording artists, etc. etc., do research on what YOUR specific musician character is.

Genre is also an important consideration. A classical musician, rock musician, or jazz musician will probably each have a different approach when it comes to things like:

practicing

performing

attire

friend circles

thought and composition processes

Each musician will probably differ in all the aspects listed above depending on what instrument they play, as well.

Finally, think personal. Musicians, like anyone else, will also have varying goals depending on their personalities. For example, a more shy person might naturally gravitate towards composing offstage, while a spotlight lover could enjoy performing. Or, a fame-driven person might dream of making it on Broadway, while a more modest one aspires to teach music instead.

2. Don't forget to spend time BTS

If you're writing a pro/aspiring pro musician, they will—or should—spend a ridiculous amount of time practicing!

Lots of media like to glorify only the moments onstage. The characters bask in the spotlight and wear fancy clothes and get roses thrown at them, but that's the product of lots of sweating offstage.

Depending on skill and performance level, most professional musicians often practice anywhere from 3-8 hours a day (with many falling in the 4-5 hour range), which is a lot of work. So, dedicate more time featuring the actual practicing, rather than just the performances, or at least have your musician characters MENTION the practicing instead of everyone being a flawlessly sight-reading/photographically memorizing child prodigy.

Writing practice scenes can also be excellent characterization—for example, you can show their patience level in how much they might rage over mistakes, or how perfectionistic they are if they obsessively repeat measures over and over again until they sound flawless.

3. Research their instrument

All instruments have different mechanics and terminology, so do proper research regarding what they're playing.

You may write your character spending time on instrument maintenance; if I were to write about a wind player, for example, I'd have to do a lot of research on things like cleaning a mouthpiece or tightening the joints (I'm just a piano player!).

4. Use specific descriptors

Much like how certain writers use art-specific terms to describe things when writing an artist character's POV, or someone in any other specific discipline, emphasize music's connection to the character's life by using some music terms.

For example, a musician has a higher chance of describing sounds as "percussive" or a "crescendo" than, say, a person who's worked at a blacksmith their entire life.

Don't try to shoehorn in a music term every line, though—like anything else, it'll get overbearing and unnecessary. Be subtle about it! Try to find words that CONNOTE music, but are still generally used outside of it (like "lyrical," or "rhythmic").

5. Read about the lives of actual musicians, current or historical

Like anyone else, each musician can lead a very different life. For example, there were widely celebrated, famous musicians like Liszt, existing in the same era as musicians living in general poverty like Schubert.

With different personalities, writers could also explore various compositional methods and performance stances. Some people like Liszt valued virtuosic playing, sweeping sounds, and impressive, flashy performances, while others like Clara Schumann detested this emphasis on virtuosity and valued simplicity.

Other musicians like Bach or Wagner wrote for greater causes, such as religion or nationalism, respectively. More interesting angles could be taken regarding the musicians composition methods, like Berlioz, who wrote a symphony inspired by unrequited love and insane opium trips.

∘₊✧────── ☾☼☽ ──────✧₊∘

instagram: @ grace_should_write

Let's ignore this random months-long hiatus! Life updates on the gram, soon...

Hope this was helpful, and let me know if you have any questions by commenting, re-blogging, or DMing me on IG. Any and all engagement is appreciated :)

Happy writing, and have a great day!

- grace <3

[13eyond13]

In honour of recently completing my 2023 challenge of reading 50+ books this year, here are 10 books that I enjoyed in 2023 in no particular ranked order. (My reading taste leans towards the atmospheric, dark, satirical, suspenseful, strange and horror-tinged, btw):

1 A Lush and Seething Hell by John Hornor Jacobs

I'm currently in the process of reading this one (it's two small novels in one book), but I can already recommend it based just on the style and the quality of the first story. Somehow feels similar to me to catching an odd old foreign film on TV late at night when I'm the only person awake and then getting unexpectedly invested in it.

2 Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Süskind

I'd read the first few chapters of this over a decade ago and they were so instantly memorable and vividly told that they remained burned into my mind ever since. Love the attention to detail in bringing this grotesque version of 1700s France to life, and how much the story made me think about my sense of smell and other familiar things in new ways

3 Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Funnier than I expected! Almost more a comedy than a romance in my opinion. Just very pleasant to read in general. I laughed out loud several times

4 The Midwife's Apprentice by Karen Cushman

This was a childhood favourite of mine that I decided to revisit, and it actually held up very well. I found the dark and cruel and gossipy little village that Beetle has to try to survive in fascinating, and same with learning about all the weird (historically accurate!) shit that was involved in medieval midwifery

5 Paradise Rot by Jenny Hval

I've mentioned this one on this blog already, but it feels like a surreal and melancholy bad dream in the best kind of way. More going on here to think about than just being the "lesbian piss book" (though you will find a generous helping of both things in the pages haha). Sticky and unsettling to read, like living in a compost pile, and probably not for everyone. But also poetic and lush and tense and and yeah, kinda gay

6 Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier

As fun and compulsively readable as a modern thrillers while also being complex and atmospheric and literary all at once. Somehow I still didn't have all the twists and turns spoiled for me beforehand! A definite 5/5 from me

7 Come Closer by Sara Gran

A strange, unsettling and brisk little book about demonic possession that was very easy to fly through in less than a day. Might have benefitted from being left a little more ambiguous overall (imo), but still entertaining to read, and grabs you right from the first page

8 The Fisherman by John Langan

An extremely imaginative and detailed little universe is fleshed out here that includes some fascinating true-to-life history (did you know sometimes entire towns were vacated and stripped bare so giant water reservoirs could be built on top of them? And that the buildings are still just sitting down there under all that water sometimes? Well, you'll learn all about it here). Some very haunting imagery and characters and scenes that will easily burn themselves into your brain

9 Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer

Creepy science fiction that feels a bit like embarking on a D&D campaign with some companions you don't actually trust or know very well. This one grew on me more over time as one that continued to stick with me a while after I had finished it. The mysteriousness and ambiguity of what's actually going on can either spur you to finish the whole series or simply give you a ton of food for thought to mull over and dissect

10 Contact by Carl Sagan

ALIENS! A very timely topic considering the types of news stories we've been getting in 2023. I was already familiar with Carl Sagan because of his Cosmos TV series, and only recently found out he wrote some fiction as well. Very pleasantly surprised at how well-written it is and that he put a female protagonist at the helm, and how he can share his expertise and knowledge and theories in the books in an easily accessible and entertaining way

[galedekarios]

Hello, you may have already talked about it but I love drows and Altonaufein is such an interesting character. Fun fact, I got the game a little bit later than everybody and for, like, a day or two, I thought he was an actual NPC or maybe a companion lol. Anyway, I'd love to read your thoughts about him! (or maybe I just feel some kind of kindship since my OC is also a drow with a lot of issues and an ongoing crush on Gale.

thank you so much for your lovely message and your kind words about altonaufein! i was really blown away when i saw your message. (((': i'm also super happy to find another drow player. i'd be super interested to hear more about your oc as well, if you feel comfortable sharing!

i'm very it took so long to answer, i just always draw a blank when i'm asked about my ocs, even though i love them and lot and probably have an entire library of lore inside of head about them.

i did manage to write up a bit about altonaufein, though! i've had his character for a very long time. he was originally intended for icewind dale 2, but then baldur's gate 3 was announced and i decided to try and translate his character into the game and was pleasantly surprised by how well it worked!

born in ust-natha, altonaufein is the third child--but the first son--of a small but prestigious house of a long line of clerics and devoted worshippers of lolth.

at a young age, altonaufein had a very cautious and gentle nature to him, showing signs of great magical and spellcasting talent. these talents were decided to be nurtured in the service of lolth--even if altonaufein was only a male, it stood to reason that he might still become a passable asset and tool for his house, if little else.

his life took a turn for the worse when he began to see a bright silver moon in his trances, heard the sweet melody of a lyre, saw a dark dancer in a sky he'd never seen. foolishly, naively, altonaufein told another of his house--his sister iraeae, who he had once been close to--about his strange dreams, his visions. his trust was misplaced and he was severely punished in hopes of correcting him, driving those visions from his mind, to not bring shame to his house any further. after this, altonaufein began to ignore his dreams and, consequently, unknowingly, eilistraee’s call.

he was initiated to become part of the clergy to lolth by the trial of strength: if he failed, he would become a sacrifice. if he succeeded, it would bring lolth's favour to his family--either way, he would not be a waste to his house.

altonaufein survived the trial, barely. though, with what was to come, he sometimes wishes he hadn't.

iraeae, at the same time as him, undertook her own trial of lolth:

chwidevbrii, or the test of betrayal. it's a punishment that strikes particularly deep. trust is a distasteful concept to drow, though they understand that sometimes it does happen and is even necessary to survive. to rid themselves of this, to succeed this test, the drow must betray someone who has garnered her trust or in whom she has placed her trust. mentors, teachers, leaders, friends, family. as long as there has been a solid connection of dependence made in the past.

the drow must utterly destroy her victim in a way that allows her to advance in some manner. the method is not important: blackmail, slander, torture... magic. in the end, the victim must die or be thoroughly disgraced and dominated. usually, the victim is murdered by the drow herself, commits suicide, or is killed as a result of the drow's action. so what better way to show to her goddess that she is a true drow, that she is worthy, what better way than to serve the house, than humiliating and dominating someone who was once a little brother.

drow females are able to dominate the mind of any chosen male with but a spell and one such spell was cast on altonaufein, and iraeae triumphed in her trial. a victim of inter-house politics as so many others before him, he was left as little but a thrall, serving in a many different ways.

he was there, under that spell, until it broke: iraeae dead by her older sister nadriina's hand--betrayed just like altonaufein had been by her. altonaufein doesn't remember how long it lasted, remembers only parts of it. the many hands. the pain. he remembers fighting. other drow. other prisoners. the surface. running. the moon. fever.

altonaufein escaped to the surface in a haze, he wandering aimlessly before all the strength went out of him and he collapsed. yet eilistraee must have guided, must have protected him, once more, as she tried to, so long ago: he had collapsed near a small settlement around a small church of ilmater, the god of compassion and healing, of mercy and atonement. they took altonaufein in because they deny no one in need of their help, not even a drow.

he was taken in and nursed back to health over the course of many months by a follower, living at the temple: an ex-soldier, a deserter, by the name of karl. they formed a deep bond, despite their differences--or perhaps because of them-- and despite altonaufein's initial distrust.

once recovered, altonaufein hacked off his long hair, so many issues, so many bad memories, tied to it.

still, he came to see what happened as a chance he doesn't think he deserves: to start anew, to help, to learn how he could be more than simply a honed weapon made for killing. he offered his services to the small settlement and the temple, even if ilmater is not the god he prays to.

he helped everywhere he could in any way he could, ignoring the whispers that followed him, his own intrusive thoughts, his episodes, triggered by too sudden movements, unexpected brushes his body or mind.

altonaufein helped to tend to the crops, helped with the harvest, repaired walls and fences, treated wounds and healed. he would earn their trust, prove himself.

the one person who stood by his side through it was karl.

karl, who, after his abduction on the nautiloid remains his guardian as he been so many moons before, swearing to protect him once more:

🖤

it's bit by bit that he learns to accept himself for who he is, what he is. his heritage, his past, his future, his new faith.

he gets to heal on this journey and find peace.

i'm sorry this got so long and ramble-y, but he's my special boy. (((': thanks again so much for asking about him!!!

[radioactive-earthshine]

ok I love how you're basically posting every LSH panel I'd thought about posting at some point haha. Also! I kept meaning to ask and forgetting but do you have a favorite non-superhero or not DC comic/graphic novel series?

They really are some of the BEST moments in LoSH!

I do have a few non-super hero comics I enjoy!

Here are some of my favorites;

1.) Descender by Jeff Lemire and Dustin Nguyen

This is a sci-fi story that takes place in a undisclosed point in time where one small companion robot named Tim wakes up in his home after ten years in sleep mode to find everyone he loved is dead or missing, but that's not all. The entire solar system has changed and robot kind that once were thriving alongside with organics have been outlawed and their population reduced by 90%. Desperate to find his human brother Andy, Tim braves the dangerous new world to find him all while uncovering the mystery behind what happened 10 years ago.

2.) Ascender by Jeff Lemire and Dustin Nguyen

This is the continuation of Descender and the end of the story. It's been 10 years since Andy saw Tim last, and the world once again has changed. Instead of electricity and technology magic rules instead. Now, stranded on Sampson with his 10 year old daughter Andy fights to keep her safe from vampires and sorcerers until an old friend Andy never thought he'd see again comes back in his life. Tim is alive, and is part of something bigger than he ever could dream of. This is the conclusion to Descender.

Both are complete in trade compilations.

3.) Banana Fish by Akimi Yoshida

This manga changed my brain chemistry when I read it back in high school YEARS before the anime dropped. It takes place in the 80s in New York City where exploited and groomed teenager Ash Lynx is thrown in a conspiracy plot involving a mind-control drug code-named "Banana Fish". There's a lot of layers in this story that a simple synopsis cannot possibly do it justice but it is a tale of exploitation and secrets, love and rage, loneliness and tragedy. Themes include CSA, racism, conspiracies, war crimes and gangs.

It is also boys love and probably the only one I've actually liked.

ALL MAJOR ARCHIVE WARNINGS APPLY YES ALL OF THEM.

The anime is a pretty good adaptation but they.... updated it to modern times instead of the 80s and I just do not have the spoons to explain why it was such a phenomenally bad idea considering the AIDS epidemic, and the ghosts of the Vietnam War, and even WWII were major subtext that shaped the political climate of this story.

[slowdripsunrise]

MORE READING UPDATES OMLLLLLLL i forgor about this blog again. it will happen again tbh but i still have to go through all of the books i finished in late 2023 up to now... i'm gonna try and get as many as i can done but probably wont get all of them lol. probably very long post/rant + spoilers for various books under the cut

keep in mind i have shit memory and all of these books were finished a while ago so be warned for bad analysis and summaries

-How High We Go in the Dark by Sequoia Nagamatsu: this book was a collection of short stories that are interconnected through characters and a central storyline - a plague. i thought the concept was super interesting and i had heard really good things about it from people i share a reading taste with so i went into this expecting to be blown away and i just. wasnt. i LOVED some of the short stories and there were a few that made me cry, mainly snortorious and the robot dog story where the mom died, but other than that it was kinda a let down. the ending fucking sucked ngl. like i thought we were leading up to some profound moment, especially calling back to the chapter where people are relieving their memories in the dark, because i thought that was really compelling and interesting, but it was just fucking aliens. like it reallly feels like a cop out to me. like a whole "and it was all just a dream" type ending. im not gonna rate it actually yes i am i'd give it like 2.5-3 stars. only because some of the chapters were super hard hitting but other than that. meh.

-The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater: WHOOOOO BOY. i ate this shit up. god if i had read this in middle school or high school i am 100% certain it would have become my entire personality. like i fucking get it. i totally fucking get it. i'm treating the whole series as one book rn bc they all kinda blend together in my mind and its been a while but just. the fucking vibes. good lord the vibes were so good. can't pick out any 100% certain things i particularly noticed but i will reblog every webweave about this series there is trust. rating the entire series as 5 stars mostly because i listened to the audiobook and they did SUCH A GOOD JOB ON TH E AUDIOBOOK OML like. at first i was kinda thrown off bc i wasn't expecting it to be so. southern? but once i finished the first one i knew there was no way i could just go back to reading it with a physical book like audiobook all the way the narrator was so awesome and i love the southernness of it.

-What Moves the Dead by T. Kingfisher: my first t. kingfisher book! i loved the vibes, the world, the whole new set of pronouns, that shit was so fun, overall a nice short and sweet creepy ass fucking book. like im a huge wimp so i was deffo nervous and freaked out at some points, especially with the rabbits lol idk why but those were unnerving. the author did a really good job of conveying the mc's anxiety and fear while also adding in some humor and soldier rationality and stoicism. lol. cute i liked it 3.5/4 stars.

-Fault Lines by Emily Itami: tbh mostly picked this one up for the cover and it was really just a standard cheating story where the mc gets back together with her original husband because of their kids. nothing i remember to be groundbreaking at all really. 2.5 stars

-Olga Dies Dreaming by Xochitl Gonzalez: I really wasn't expecting to like this book as much as I did. the pov changes i think were very well done and intentional and weren't confusing at all! the narrators for the audiobook were wonderful and really brought life to the story, a lovely book.

-She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan: honestly, looking back on it, i was never really captivated by this story. it took me a long time to get into it, and i really never connected with any of the characters. a lot of it was more confusing than not, and i'm honestly not sure if i feel the need to continue the series. may be a case of me not being in the right mood for it, but i don't see myself trying it again. kinda sad cuz i was excited to love this but oh well. win some lose some.

-Cloud Cuckoo Land by Anthony Doerr: hands down my fav book of 2023 and one of my fav books of all time. like i have a feeling this review is going to be either very long or very short because there is no way i will be able to write out all the ways i love this book. the owl motif. the environmental extremism from seymore that i can 100% relate to. the way that he fell down that path in a way that felt realistic to me, based on his circumstances, and it isn't implied in my opinion, that all autistic people are like this, that all autistic people can take things to the extreme like seymore did. the audiobook was wonderful. the interconnected stories over time i think is one of my new favorite tropes/plots/metas. if done well (cough how high we go in the dark) it gets me every single time. XENO and everything about him. i was listening to the audiobook at work and during his death i had to fight back tears lol. god. and the kids in the play and how they wanted to end the story.... fuck my life. and konstance and her curiosity and oh my god everything about this book messed me up. 5/5 i think thats all i'll be able to say before i combust.

-Chlorine by Jade Song: what a weird little book. really liked it. audiobook slayed. not much else to say. recommend for weird lesbians. 3.5/4 stars.

-A Dowry of Blood by S. T. Gibson: THE AUDIOBOOK NARRATOR IS SO FUCKING GOOD AT HER JOB I COULD LISTEN TO HER TALK ALL DAY I THINK IM IN LOVE WITH HER. the story was really good love a good vampire story love a good creepy story. fun time. listened to the audiobook in like an hour hour and a half car ride it was a good time. 3.5 stars.

and that ends off all of the books i read in 2023 !!!!!!! YIPPEEE!!!!! i'll stop here and make a separate post for the books i've read so far in 2024 just for organizational purposes and also because i am hungry and need to stop lol. if you made it this far through the post i love you and also sorry for the long rant but also too bad because this is my blog and you clicked on it. happy reading :)

[seelifethroughmyeyesyear3099]

tell us what happy moment shaped who you are or gave you strength in difficult times.

I remember I was the light of a lot of people's lives. I got told daily that I was like sunshine. Crazy unpredictable but cared about everyone more than myself. I remember thinking about the world we live in and how a lot of people bring you down or get angry at you for nothing (The man that gets mad about his order in the drive thru that takes too long or the old lady yelling at you about not taking her expired coupons) they're not mad at you. They're mad at themselves. I wanted to do the exact opposite I wanted to make everyone's life for the better and bring them up to be their best selves. I started taking nothing to heart and thinking about them. They are probably never going to see me again. Before I wore my heart on my wrist...that quickly changed. Three different life altering times in my life, I may only be only 22 but I feel like I've lived five lives.

I remember I bought a book of kindness every single day for a year; I made sure to do one of the pages of the book and if I ran out of pages I would look for a 30-day challenge of kindness. I didn't let anybody know but I even got five of my friends for our senior project to do it on humanity. We went down to the homeless shelter and passed out sandwiches that took us hours to make and talked to families. We asked how they got there and what they needed. I completed all those tasks and I understood how hard life can really be in a moment with the wrong people or having not having any support.

Another time I remember I was 15 and a half at the time and I'd barely gotten my license and an owner of a business wanted me to be the face in the front. (I was dating his son at the time and said business partner or dump my son) (I learned personal and business never mix) I left that company for more opportunities. Later on I became a driving instructor at 21 at the same company teaching 1,500 students how to drive in California, probably one of the most impactful things I've done in my life.

In between that job and going back I was a caregiver in 2020 when COVID hit, I was with a lot of elderly and most of them were in hospice only a week or two. I got to hear stories about their entire life, what they regretted, and got to be there even if their family wasn't there; I held their hand until their end of days. This went on for almost a year until my own father passed away in 2020. I couldn't handle anymore death after that.

Every stage of my life has been impactful, important, and beautiful even if I did not see it in that moment.

What gives me strength is knowing that I can be anything that I choose to be. People might think these are far-fetched dreams but they are not. I believe you are who you believe you are, but as long as your actions match up. That is who you are. All the things that I've done have led me to who I am and where I am and I'm pretty happy with that now. Of course there's always room for improvement, but I'm pretty happy.

Everything that you thought was going to break you down will actually build you up. It felt like my world died when my dad died and I felt like I lost myself. This was for 3 years and even though I was helping others, I wasn't helping myself out of the situation. Until I realize nobody's going to come and save me but myself. It is crazy how you can mentally be struggling for so long, your brain can still pull you mentally out of that. That takes a lot of support from others that are positive. You just have to rebuild yourself. Listen to podcasts and things that you want to be and start making daily habits of them until you become the person you want to be again.