#i wish i wanted to be alive but it's really hard rn

[orimuraa]

꒰♡꒱ Dear. My darling - OT7

(synopsis) ༊*·˚ it was so painful for enhypen not to miss youೄྀ

ot7 enhypen x fem!reader ༊*·˚ HEAVY angst ༊*·˚ main character death ༊*·˚ enha dealing with your death ༊*·˚ death, crying, mentions of sickness ༊*·˚ wc 1.8k

jiji’s note: i’m so sorry for the heart wrenching angst. i’m in a mood rn and this is what came out of it. pls do not read if you have trouble reading about loss of a loved one. if you are struggling with something like this, my inbox is always open <3

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧

𝑳𝒆𝒆 𝑯𝒆𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒖𝒏𝒈 - 이희승

wow. you were really gone. it’s been weeks since you left this cruel world and heeseung hasn’t been able to realize that you really were gone. you didn’t deserve to leave. you were the purest person on this earth and heeseung was the luckiest man on earth to have you. you were so, so, so strong up until your final breath. you had fought so hard to stay awake everyday and heeseung was right there with you on your hospital bedside. you had asked him, “when i leave, promise me that you won’t miss me too much okay?” and he wanted to promise you that and so much more. that it would be okay. that you would make it out well and healthy. but you both knew that that was just a fantasy too far out of reach. the doctors had told you and heeseung that your condition had only gotten worse and your days were limited now. heeseung took a whole month off of work just so he could stay by your side every minute of the grueling days. the sound of your labored breathing was like a stab to his heart each time he heard it. your were in so much pain and he couldn’t do anything to fix it.

the day you left him, a part of soul left him as well. you were his everything. he treasured you so greatly and to think that he wouldn’t be able to see you anymore hurt like hell. he hadn’t realized he was crying until he felt his tears drip onto his pants. how could he keep his promise to you when all he could think of was just missing everything about you? but he was determined to live till the day that you and him would be able to reunite with each other without any pain or care in the world. he knew that you were doing so much better now that you were free of your pain and that you would always be with him. always.

𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒌 ��𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒔𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒈 - 박종성

it took a long three days for jay to finally realize that you were gone and that you weren’t coming back. the world had been so cruel to you and it resulted in you having to stay in the dreaded hospital for your last days on this earth. the hospital was the place you had despised most. knowing fully well that your illness was incurable, you had told jay, “promise me you won’t be too sad” how could he not? the love of his life was bound to this hospital bed and the life in your eyes was slowly fading away. the bright smile you always wore had become a rare sight nowadays and jay’s heart was shattering with each and every awful day that passed. on a cold afternoon, you took your final breath on this world with your loving boyfriend right by your side, whispering how he would find you in every lifetime just to be with you again.

jay didn’t know how long he cried for but what he did know was that his tears couldn’t bring you back. he knew it was selfish of him to wish that you were somehow still alive knowing that you were probably free of any pain you were in when you were on earth. he hated how he couldn’t keep his promise with you. he hated how you wouldn’t be there to brighten up his world anymore. when you left, you took jay’s soul away with you. you were his everything. how could he live without you?

𝑺𝒊𝒎 𝑱𝒂𝒆𝒚𝒖𝒏 - 심재윤

jake dreaded every passing day, knowing that your condition was only getting weaker and weaker. a couple months ago, you were diagnosed with an illness that was incurable. that was jake’s worst day of his life. now, in the final days of your life, he was here with you, right beside your bed. he made sure that your hospital room looked nice and neat just the way you like it and he never left you alone. everyday, you would tell him just a little bit more how much you loved him. he knew the reason. he knew it was all because you were slowly fading away. he could see it in the way your eyes never twinkled anymore, and the way your smile was never quite full. every little word that came out of your mouth was filled with so much pain. he also knew that the best thing for you was to just be able to rest. to be free of this cruel and awful world that had cursed you, the purest of angels. you deserved nothing like this, yet look where you were now. stuck to a hospital bed, slowly and painfully losing your life.

the day you let go, jake couldn’t accept the fact that you were gone. his friends had to come and pick him up from the hospital just for him to attempt to run back in, saying you needed him next to you. the truth was, he needed you next to him. he cried himself to sleep every night since that day, missing you more and more as the time went by. jake knew that you wouldn’t have wanted him to be this miserable. he could just imagine you wiping his tears for him and telling him not to cry too much for you. but how could he not when his light in this dark world just went out? he couldn’t bear thinking of what life would be like without you. he just couldn’t.

𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒌 𝑺𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒉𝒐𝒐𝒏 - 박성훈

sunghoon felt like his heart was just ripped out. seeing you take your last breath in that god awful hospital room was so heartbreaking for him to witness. the way your eyes had so much pain in them but the smile you tried to put on for him is something he could never ever forget. why did you have to be cursed by this world? why was it always the purest of people? you were nothing but an angel to this world yet you still got sick, limiting your time with sunghoon.

exactly a month after your death, sunghoon wrote a letter to you. he wrote it because he wasn’t sure how else to cope on this day. he wanted to let you know that he was trying so hard to be strong for you, but it hurt so bad. he missed you so much. the way your eyes would crinkle into little crescents when you smiled, and your warm, infectious laugh, he would never be able to experience this ever again. he held so much guilt in his heart for not being able to keep your promise to him. he promised to you that he would try his hardest to move on just like you wanted for him, but he just couldn’t. he didn’t know how to cope with anything at the moment and he certainly had no plans of moving on. he just couldn’t keep his promise.

𝑲𝒊𝒎 𝑺𝒖𝒏𝒐𝒐 - 김선우

seeing your brightness slowly fade into darkness was sunoo’s nightmare. he hated how he had to watch the brightest person ever slowly get consumed by the dark. your illness was a mystery to the doctors and it had been a surprise. it happened so suddenly and sunoo had no idea how to handle it. he stayed with you everyday and made sure that your were never alone, knowing deep down that these were probably his last moments with you. on the day of your passing, sunoo cried and cried and cried. he felt so helpless and heartbroken that he was afraid he would never do anything else in his life except cry. cry for you. you would’ve never wanted him to be this devastated but it was something you couldn’t control. he knew that if you ever saw him now, you would break down at the sight. he was a wreck since you left him. he wasn’t sure how to move on or just move to the next step from there. a part of his soul died the same day you did, leaving him with half a soul, and a broken heart.

𝒀𝒂𝒏𝒈 𝑱𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒘𝒐𝒏 - 양정원

you were so young. you didn’t deserve anything that happened to you. the doctors had diagnosed you with a sickness that was limited your days on the earth after an accident you had. jungwon never left you alone and always made sure to be with you every second you were awake, savoring his last few moments with you. it was supposed to be any day now where your body would give out and jungwon would lose the one person in life who made life worth living for. before you passed, you had told him, “i want you to be happy when i’m gone. i don’t want you being stuck on me and not moving on. please promise me that” and at the time, he was willing to do whatever you wanted since it would be your last wish, but now, he hated the idea of moving on from you. there was no way he could ever let you go.

𝑵𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒎𝒖𝒓𝒂 𝑹𝒊𝒌𝒊 - 西村 力

having to deal with your passing at such a young age was so hard for ni-ki. you had gone down with an unknown illness and the doctors said that your days were limited now. ni-ki was with you every step of the way up until your death. he loved you so much and he just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. the day you had passed away was the hardest thing ni-ki ever had to go through. you were such a bright and bubbly person so him seeing you so lifeless and low made his heart break. you would always re-assure him that you were doing fine and just a bit tired, but ni-ki saw right through it. he knew how much you were struggling because you still had so much you wanted to accomplish in your lifetime. you and ni-ki had once shared your dreams for your futures to each other and it now pains him to realize that you would never be able to love out your dream.

a week after your passing, ni-ki and his hyungs went to go get flowers to honor you. jake had told him that maybe he just needed to write a letter of closing to you. to let you know how proud he was of you for fighting so hard for so long. he had so much he wanted to say to you but the realization that he would never be able to talk with you again really struck deep. he knew he had to recover for you, but he would never move on. he promised himself that he could never love again. he felt that he would be betraying you even if you wanted him to move on after you were gone. but god, he would miss you so much. but at least now, you were in the stars.

˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚˚₊‧

i'm sorry for the heavy angst :( it was rlly hard for me to write as it just reminded me of my grandma's passing but funny enough, i think this helped me get out some emotions i didn't know i needed to. if you're ever struggling, i want my inbox to be a safe space for everyone to just come and vent if needed. i want to be a safe space for people in need. tysm for reading everyone. feedback is very appreciated <3

[galaxywhump]

I'm really sorry to come here begging again but i could use some cheering up. Or something. Anything.

[bunnyboy-juice]

blah blah blah blah blah

[thegirlivealwaysbeen]

i got so comfortable with him why did i let him in i should’ve figured

[ohmeowmy]

.

[vanillabat99]

I think I am slowly accepting that I will never be able to be "fully independent". Even though I am living with my family, I still require help and care that they aren't able to provide due to having work or school. There have been many times, especially recently, where I have been stuck in bed, alone, and hungry, with nobody able to help me. I am not able to leave the house on my own, I struggle to make phonecalls, I can't remember important medical information or insurance information, I am rarely able to make meals for myself. I can barely wash my own hair. I don't qualify for any kind of homecare, since I live with my family, and I don't have anyone who can visit me to help like that.

I don't think I will ever be as independent as I hoped I would be. I wanted to move out, have a job, go to university. As time goes on, I'm less and less sure I will be able to finish highschool. It is very difficult trying to figure out what I am able to do. I have had to give up on many plans and dreams, and I'm not sure what I have left to work with.

Disability is hard. I know it looks like I sleep all day and do nothing, but I am simply trying to survive in a world that was not built with me in mind. After lots of time and effort, I want to be alive and have a life that makes me happy, and I want to figure out how to have that. I want to know what "happy" can look like for me. I want to know what my options are, if I can have a place of my own, if I can get help when I need it.

I want to be alive. The world makes it hard, but I want to be alive.

[eissibee]

It's probably stupid, but I'm just feeling immensely lonely lately. Irl and online, it's just so quiet. I doubt anyone thinks of me, worries how I am. I feel like many friends ignore me, and I think I would too, if I knew me.

This is unrelated to tumblr people, it's like... I'm starting to think the effort I put out is wasted, but I also can't fault anyone for ghosting because I hate myself. I try not to project that though, since that's not a fun person to be around. I work hard to try make myself a persona people will like or pity somehow. It's kind and generous and asks if they are okay, it excuses shitty behavior, it makes jokes even when I want to crawl into a hole and grow moss in my eye sockets. And when part of me is screaming into the void for help, which I detest doing, I get silence and it goes "Ah well that's alright, their problems are far worse, I'll just wait and boy howdy you Know I'm gonna be right there when they finally remember me. Which is creepy and I'm failing the friendship test. Ahaha!" And it's just a spiral of feeling desperate for someone to TALK to about ANYTHING and then immediately HATING myself for needing anything because how selfish??? And clearly my narrative is biased and no one should trust me bc I'm probably the cause of the mess :) I don't THINK I am, which means I'm DEFINITELY guilty. And I must know how to change myself in order to be liked again and to win at friendship, a totally normal thing to want and achieve.

[leviathans-watching]

could u pls write the brothers x a reader who dropped out of school/college? having a rly hard time rn and i could use the comfort, tysm <3

having a hard time in the human realm

includes: brothers x/& gn!reader (no pronouns mentioned)

wc: .7k | rated t | m.list

warnings: crying, breakdowns, implied depression

a/n: i'm sorry you're having a hard time :(( i wish you all the best and lots of love and comfort. hope this helps! my inbox is open to chat, request, or leave feedback!

mammon exchanges worried looks with asmo when there’s no response when he knocks on the door to your apartment. it had been nearly three months since you’d returned to the human realm and since you’d first separated, you hadn’t missed a single weekly call. until tonight, that is.

and combine that with the fact that you weren’t responding to anyone, weren’t active on any social media, and now weren’t answering your door… mammon’s getting seriously concerned.

“let’s break in,” belphie says, and it’s a testament to how worried lucifer is that he agrees.

“i can pick locks, hold on,” asmo says, dropping to his knees and pulling a bobby pin out of his pocket. man, lucifer must be really worried if he’s not even remarking on this!

a moment passes, and then asmo pushes the door open, rising back to his feet. he leads the way into your apartment, and mammon takes in the dark interior. it’s messy and cluttered, a far cry from the neat and tidy room you’d kept at the house of lamentation, and it’s also silent.

lucifer takes the helm then, moving through your living room. mammon can see a dim kitchen with piled-up dishes, and then gets distracted by another door. presumably the door to your room.

mammon knocks on that one, then opens it. like the rest of the apartment, the room is dark, with thick curtains pulled over the window. mammon steps over the clothes all over the floor, towards your bed, which is messy with sheets and blankets piled up.

but thankfully, there’s a person there too. mammon puts a hand on your shoulder, grateful he can see the rise and fall of your chest. so, at least you’re still alive?

shaking you gently, mammon waits for you to wake. his brothers crowd the bed around him, but stay quiet.

with a gasp, you sit up, looking around wildly. “w-what?”

“it’s just us, mc,” beel says soothingly, and you calm slightly, then squint, confused.

“what are you doing here?”

“we were worried,” levi volunteers. “you weren’t answering your ddd and missed dour call.”

“oh,” you say slowly, probably still waking up. “that was today? i’m sorry, i’ve just been really…busy. and wait, you guys decided to break into my apartment?”

“busy?” says lucifer, dodging the accusation question. “with school?”

you look to the side shiftily, and mammon’s glad his eyes can see well enough in the dark where a human would struggle. “something like that.”

“cut the crap,” asmo says suddenly. “what’s going on, mc?”

without warning, tears well up in your eyes. “i’m sorry,” you say miserably, scrubbing at your eyes with your sleeve. “i’m sorry. i’m just so tired.”

mammon wraps an arm around your shoulders (were they always this fragile feeling?), and pulls you to his chest. “what’s wrong?”

“it’s just so hard!” you say after a breath. “i miss you guys so much. every day. it feels like a piece of me is missing. and as hard as it was to adjust to the devildom it’s even harder re-adjusting now. i miss the house of lamentation and being at rad and all of you. i can’t do this.”

“i had no idea you were feeling this way,” lucifer says quietly, guiltily. mammon feels the same way. how had he not noticed you were hurting?

“i stopped going to my classes,” you continue, a sob ripping free. “there’s no way i can get any credits for this semester. i want to go home.”

mammon locks eyes with his brothers. there’s no way they’re leaving you here tonight.

“let’s take you home, then,” he says, and you blink up at him.

“wait, really?”

“there’s no rule saying you can’t come back,” lucifer says. “i thought that’s what you wanted. after all, you were only supposed to be an exchange student after all. but if we had had any idea of how much this would have hurt you, diavolo and i would have never let you leave. so yes, let’s go home.”

leviathans-watching's work - please do not copy, repost, or claim as your own

[finsterwalds]

Got my hands on the script of Anatomy of a Fall, and I couldn't help but compare it with some scenes from the movie because that's how deep I am rn :'D Anyway, here are some of my finds and things I personally enjoyed. I'm sure there are more things to dig out but these are what I wanted to share with the world. The order of my finds will be chronological, for the most part, but keep in mind that sometimes, some scenes were edited to show up later, or earlier than originally intended. Spoilers for the whole movie obviously so you've been warned!

Takes place when Vincent first visits Sandra to discuss Samuel's death. In the movie, Sandra stops Vincent and cuts him harshly, saying "STOP, I did not kill him". Vincent then says a line that I think is pretty iconic in the movie, a sarcastic : "That's not the point. Really". His line is much harsher than on the script, where he's a bit softer. "You don't need to tell me that" implies that he has some deep, loyal faith in Sandra, while "That's not the point" cuts any further discussion. He really doesn't wanna know if she actually did it. Comes from a wish to remain blind still, but with less innocence and a lot of denial. Oh, Vincent.

In the movie, his last line is way better imo, he says "No one's gonna believe that. I don't believe that." I like the emphasis on his opinion rather than the fleeting and impersonal "it's really hard to believe". Truly hits way harder and puts Vincent back in the position of a lawyer.

The rest will be under the cut because I think it's gonna be a wall of text I apologize guys...... This movie does things to my brain.

There's a scene that was cut where Vincent phones Nour while still at Sandra's, which I would have enjoyed a lot but I'll admit it's a bit filler-y. Doesn't add a lot and kinda cuts the serious tone of Sandra's confession, imo, as they discuss the judge's antics in a pretty comical manner. I just love Nour so I'm based......

Another, REALLY long scene that was cut where a medium comes into Sandra's house to feel Samuel's ghost and foreshadows Daniel poisoning Snoop with aspirin. I had a good laugh at that one, honestly. It feels pretty out of place with the tone of the movie, and the personality of the characters even... I can't picture Sandra calling a medium. I'm glad they removed it because the foreshadowing was unnecessary too. It's still interesting that they had planned it however.

This takes place after Vincent finds out about the tape. Interestingly, his whole line was cut after "before he died". In the movie, he never comments on Sandra's affairs/sexuality. He never really asks much about her life at all. He truly is blinded by his wish to shield himself from her inner demons, in order to maintain his undying loyalty towards her. To see what he wants of her...

Another scene that was completely cut (a flashback, I believe?) where Sandra makes Daniel pose for a german photographer to make some money, which Monica dislikes, and then they argue. I think it really frames her as too unsympathetic, so I'm also glad it was cut.

Okay, so now, here comes The Big Change. The scene where Vincent and Sandra drink together after the first trial was heavily altered, because its tone in the movie is pretty tense when compared with the lightheartedness of the script. In the script, they laugh and reminisce together about the past and even kiss at the end of the scene. In the movie, none of was I screenshot happens : instead of playing along with the 'firing Vincent' suggestion, the scene ends with Sandra scolding Vincent for judging her in his head. Vincent backs off and the scene ends. Another instance of him not pressing emotional depth to shield himself.

There are other scenes I liked (many that touch upon Sandra's books) but I'll stop there. Hope you'll enjoy that... I might draw some of these so stay tuned... This movie has absorbed my soul but it feels good to be alive, thank you Justine Triet.

[frvnkcastles]

WATCH THE DAYS PASS ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: Stuck in a depressive episode, you can’t get out of bed and Frank is right there to cuddle you through it.

Warnings: Depression, brief mention of suicide ideation, hurt/comfort, cuddles <3

Word count: 849

Author’s note: I’m back! I’ve been feeling really guilty for not posting for a few weeks and the reason why I haven’t is exactly what I wrote about here,, I’m just depressed and trying my best to stay alive instead of throwing in the towel. Could realllllly use some Frank cuddles rn. I promise to try and get to your requests soon! <3

A sigh escaped your mouth as you rolled onto your right side and felt the mattress flex under your movements. Through the crack in the curtains you had kept closed all day, you could see the sun was beginning to descend and welcome night into the city, and an ember of guilt for having spent the whole day in bed burned in the pit of your stomach.

You held yourself to the highest standard when it came to being a functioning part of society. It was even easier to be hard on yourself when you shared a life with the Punisher — while your boyfriend was out getting justice for innocent people, cleaning up the streets of the worst scum imaginable, you were doing what exactly? Laying in bed, neglecting the work that had been piling up on you all week, not to even mention seeing friends, taking a shower or eating. You couldn’t even bring yourself to do that.

In fact, you couldn’t even cry about it. The urge made you choke, but the tears wouldn’t come. You were both overwhelmed and numb all at once and it was a terrible, rotten feeling that you wished would leave you alone with all the little might you had left in you.

”Hey”, Frank’s gruff voice emerged from the doorway, and lifting your disheveled head from the pillows, you looked over to where your beloved was standing and tried to give him a smile. It was far from convincing, but he still mirrored the expression and stepped closer to the bed. ”Okay if I lay down with you, sweetheart?”

As soon as you had nodded, Frank was moving over to his side of the bed, with the mattress taking a dip as he gently laid down next to you. He opened his arms wide for you and you didn’t hesitate to crawl up against him, your head on his chest as he wrapped you in a warm embrace and left a kiss on the top of your head.

You were both silent for a while, but eventually, you spoke up in a meek tone. ”Thank you”, you squeaked, and with a quiet tut, Frank disagreed with your words.

”Don’t gotta thank me, sweet girl. ’M just here to do what I can”, he spoke with a gravelly promise, and squeezing him tighter, you nodded. ”You’ll lemme know if there’s anythin’ you need, yeah?” Frank added, and repeating your nod, you tilted your head so you could kiss his jawline.

”Just cuddles for now, please”, you whispered, and with a low chuckle, Frank ran his hand up and down your arm.

”Think I can do that.”

Peace and quiet ensued again, and you nearly dozed off in Frank’s arms while he drew gentle patterns on your skin, his calloused fingertips feeling like home. For a brief, fleeting moment, you didn’t want to die, you didn’t feel like you were being consumed by the darkness. He, as ironic as it was, was your guiding light and something to hold onto on your toughest days.

”You told me once… yeah, you, uh… you told me you feel guilty when you have a rough day”, Frank piped up eventually, and swallowing at the accurate statement, you waited for him to continue. ”I need ya to know that it’s bullshit. Not that you feel that way, it’s… it’s real, I know. But the part where you think you’re doin’ somethin’ wrong. You hear me? You’re doin’ what you can and there ain’t a single thing wrong with that”, he explained, his usual stern tone mixed with genuine affection and care for you. He may have sounded almost angry, but you knew he wasn’t. He was just… passionate. Yes, about you.

”A part of me knows that. And another, bigger part thinks I’m the worst person in the world for—for not showering, for not cooking, for not doing more”, you sighed. You knew that if there was anyone you could talk to about how you really felt, it was Frank. He never judged, but always made you feel safe and understood.

”Hey, listen to me. You’re survivin’. That’s what matters. Whatever it takes to make it through the day, that’s the most important thing you could be doin'”, he reminded, his voice gruff and low in your ear, sending a shiver down your spine. ”Sometimes you gotta take it day by day. Sometimes minute by minute. Whatever it takes, got that? You’re fuckin’ brave. And strong. I adore the hell out of you”, Frank went on, and you tried so damn hard not to cry. He may not have been a big talker most of the time, but when he was, he knew exactly what to say.

”I adore you”, you murmured in return, and chuckling, Frank left a kiss on your temple.

”And ’m one lucky asshole for that”, he rumbled. ”Maybe tomorrow will be better, yeah? For now… just be with me, huh?”

You nodded and lifted his hand up to your mouth so you could kiss his knuckles. ”I would love nothing more.”

[elles-home]

hey it’s one day since i read one piece chapter 1124 and im still thinking of luffy crying over not being able to save vegapunk. because like, if we’re being serious, luffy had lost two of his brothers, one when he was way too tiny (and ended up not having lost at all) but another who he tried so, so hard to save and ended up failing. and like, ace didn’t even ask to be saved, you know? luffy wanted to, because that’s his brother, and that’s what you do for your brothers.

and then, throughout the series, you see how luffy looks at death. he sees it as inevitable. especially in alabasta, when vivi talks about how she wants to save the country and take down crocodile, but without killing anyone on either side, he calls wishes idealistic and impossible. people die, but we should try to do achieve our goals anyway. you don’t have to carry this burden alone (i am not rereading alabasta rn to cite accurately)

and then, back to the whole series again. they always succeed in their goals, they cause immense property destruction sure, but most of the time they don’t kill people. at least, luffy doesn’t. and one piece rarely focuses on death of the local armies, and we are more or less lead to believe they don’t die (except for marineford). the only other arcs with deaths shown indubitably (not counting flashbacks) were in punk hazard, when law kills dofflamingo’s underlyings , in whole cake island, when big mom ate one of her kids, and wano, when people from the akazaya nine passed away, in addition to orochi and then big mom and kaido (i like to think they died. but you know, this is one piece. so i’m always skeptical of deaths in the series)

and so now back to egghead. they are off the high of defeating two emperors of the sea, luffy is declared an emperor, and they meet a guy that requests them to save him. and luffy promises, and luffy always keeps his promises. and they tried. they tried so hard, they really, really did. but they failed to save the human body, and this upset luffy so much.

because luffy loves. he loves and cares for the people he meets and these guys offered them food and told robin her long lost friend was alive and so many things happened and they tried, they really really tried, but luffy failed to save vegapunk’s human body and this isn’t the kind of failure he hasn’t had to deal with since ace passing away two years ago and suddenly it doesn’t matter how strong he is, he couldn’t even save one old man. so he’s devastated. he’s crying. he’s eating only grapes, and slowly too (nevermind they’re from elbaph and huge).

and zoro’s comment on luffy, i think it’s more like, at this point in the game, we should be aware that death is inevitable. i think he thinks luffy should accept that. he’s obviously not saying it to luffy though, he’s letting the boy grieve. but when luffy realises lilith is alive and that means so is vegapunk, he’s happy again. and the crew tells zoro luffy is good again too.

i don’t know where i was going with this. i just have really big feelings about luffy all the time.

[one-green-frog]

Post Surgery Cuddles

Hobie x ftm!reader

Fluff

Thank you for requesting anon, and sorry this took so long as you know tumblr isnt really nice to me rn :)

Y/N spent the day sitting on the couch and being pampered by Hobie, his lovely boyfriend. Just a few days ago, he finally got his top surgery, after many long nights working overtime and saving like a mad man. Hobie, the supportive boyfriend that he is, also occasionally contributed to the funds and Y/N luckily decided not to comment on the not so legally acquired money. Right now Hobie is in the kitchen preparing a neal for both of them, the surgery was draining for both of them. He was worried that soemthign might go wrong during it, but luckily Y/N came out drowsy and disoriented .

"They took my boobs" will forever be ingrained in Hobie's mind, and nothing will stop him at reminding his boyfriend of the many, many embarassing things he said while doped up on pain medication.

Y/N couldn't wish for a better partner in life, Hobie always prioritized him, he even "neglected" his Spider-man duties for him. The pre-surgery anxiety really hit him hard and he is so thankful that Hobie stayed with him all the time. Late night movies that turned into a cuddle session, home-cooked meals that turned into an eating contest, it didn't matter, Hobie was always there to take his mind off of any bad thoughts.

While this was great for Y/N you needed all the support and kind words Hobie offered his absence in a certain HQ caused some troubles. Especially for Miguel. But let's be honest, Hobie wouldn't care what Miguel thinks of him, his boyfriend needed him and that was all he could think about. Although he did forget to mention his leave to a certain group of spider-teens, who decided to take matters into their own hands.

Miles, Gwen and Pavitr all came to Hobie's dimension and started to look for him at their usual meet-up spots, but unfortunately they couldn't find him anywhere. As they ran out of places to look, Pav suggested tracking his watch, Miles was hesitant at first but he didn't have a better idea and they wanted to make sure that Hobie was actually alright. When they pinned down his location and arrived they weren't expecting to look through an apartment window at a romantic Hobie spoon feeding who was presumably his partner.

Sensing some eyes on them, both Hobie and Y/N turned to look out the window and saw 3 pairs of eyes looking back at them. Not wanting to force them to stick on the wall outside, Hobie opened the window for the teens to crawl inside. They stood there, embarrassed for being caught, but also glad that Hobie was still alive and well, the uncomfortable silence growing larger by the second as Hobie just sat down next to his partner again, a smug look on his face.

"Sooo.... uh, we didn't mean to..to interrupt you two, " Miles said awkwardly, removing his mask. "We were just worried since you didn't show up... for quite some time, 0" Gwen chimed in, all the while Pavitr used the time to admire the appartement and talk about how great it was decorated.

"Sorry, but my boyfriend here needed mew and thinking that my sudden absence would also piss of Miguel I killed two birds with one stone. Although I did seem to forget to tell you lads. "

Realizing that Hobie was alright while also hinting for them to leave so he could spend some quality time with his boyfriend, the teens left. Through the window.

Finally getting the peace and quiet back into the apartment, Hobie began to tell Y/N some stories about the gangs adventures while feeding Y/N, who still persisted that he didn't need that much help. The rest of the day was spent with his and cuddles and the occasional pill when the pain from the surgery intensified.

Again I'm sorry this took me so long to finish, i hope you like it.

[chnt-confessions]

i think i'm the only person in the entire fandom that has any genuine empathy for elijah, and i'm stuck thinking there's something deeply wrong with me for that. i feel like quite a lot of people split black on him (and joshua) and then split white on jedidiah, and sydney. the ONLY two options are to dehumanize or objectify him. no hate to jedidiah-likers, but jedidiah is not a victim. he doesn't act entirely the way he does because of trauma, he acts that way because he implicitly looks down on sydney. what kind of man jeopardizes the entire world for a man that he let gravely sick in the first place, only to gaslight and neglect him?? all this because of mommy and daddy issues that, like, 70% of the population has?? i had to headcanon extra issues and trauma for him to just to keep myself sane. i don't mean to invalidate his trauma, but he has lived such a privileged life and can easily go to therapy and yet. i'm sorry but it's bojack-horseman levels of "how tf do you expect me to feel bad for you? lmao." like, i need him to get better because people will likely die if he gets any worse, but other than i couldn't care less about this guy. i'm way more sympathetic to sydney because he's trying his best but he seems to have an empathy deficiency of some kind (it's not his fault but it is painfully obvious sometimes and i wish i could fix him but i have to fix myself first because i also deal with this); i also relate to the "feeling unlovable" aspect of things.

we have only seen elijah at his worst. the elephant man is elijah "mental breakdown, 2 years and counting psychotic episode" core; did everyone just assume he was born like that? and if he was, that would also make me sad tbh. he had a similar upbringing to jedidiah and yet he does not show it at all and i'm wondering what tf was different. he also generally sucks at being a villain sometimes (i.e. telling sydney his weakness, letting sydney go back to jedidiah, reacting way better than most people would when sydney told him that he couldn't get the journals). when jedidiah says "sydney, you're always fine." vs when elijah says it; jedidiah said it to gaslight sydney and because he feels bitter about the fact he's working so hard to keep sydney alive and can't use it to manipulate him (i'm joking but i'm also not joking), while elijah was just being a little acolyte and also he's symbolically the earth, so when he says the earth will catch him when he falls, he is fr. idk what snapped in him with the murder-suicide thing but considering that he is the earth, and unfortunately due to sydney's weird little mind and jedidiah's horribleness, the earth is, like, post-apocalyptic now so it probably has something to do with that (idk why he switched from stabbing to burning alive; probably cuz of the theatrics/j). anyway, he does suck and he needs to go back to russia and never come back for everyone's good, but i really do think he would be better than jedidiah could ever be (yes, even with therapy; i'm literally speaking facts/hj) if "everyday [wasn't] a living fucking nightmare." and i'm constantly like "._." whenever i remember that jedidiah is the reason "everyday is a living fucking nightmare." also i really wanna see someone do elijah/the elephant man analysis/interpretation that doesn't reek of disgust and hatred (or lust; do whatever you want, but i'm judging you rn), just for variety tbh. here is his official playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/389N5sUULTXFC63I3CSn7c?si=756dacaa18cd491c some of the songs in here are, like, "???" and i want to see someone's else's take on them (even elijah haters tbh) sorry for the essay, that's all i wanted to say :)

also im so happy that i can say this anonymously, thank you chnt-confessions for doing god's work, i love you platonically <3

(ABOUT THE LAST PART) no need to apologize and I'm really glad to make you happy!!

[aibouart]

admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS

i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).

i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.

nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"

---

i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.

i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.

i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.

i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).

but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.

but it wasn't worth the price for me.

so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.

ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?

of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??

in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".

anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)

anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.

[sirenjose]

Andrew's 4th Letter and Who's With Him

(Doing this for @LEx2THA on twitter's request)

We know:

3-0-1 is Andrew, 3-1-3 is Antonio, and the Will brothers (Polun) are with them. 3-?-2, 3-1-4, and 3-1-5 are the unknowns.

Polun I suspect is 3-?-2, as Andrew's 3rd letter mentions 3-?-2 and 3-1-3 having "noticeable emotional expressions". Based on Polun's personality + the fact they wear masks, they'd fit the "noticeable emotional expressions" descriptions. Then there's how in their 2nd letter, they mention Andrew started avoiding them after they asked him to "play a supporting role in their performance". This matches with Andrew in his 3rd letter stating he avoids 3-?-2 (and 3-1-3).

And Polun's 2nd letter mentions them getting dizzy after a feast, and 3-1-2 is described to be 1 of the first to be affected by the drugged wine during a "dinner party".

3-1-4 and 3-1-5 are harder to determine.

What we know about 3-1-4 is that they are polite, have themes involving trauma and faith, and are eliminated after being involved in arson beneath a stage.

My best guess at the moment is that 3-1-4 could be Sangria, who also has themes of faith and trauma in her story (faith related to the red lady, and trauma such as how her father beat her offstage and saw her as a toy). The ending of her backstory and deductions, where she leaps into a fire after a performance would fit with potentially being eliminated after a fire near a stage.

My current issue with her is I'd like confirmation Sangria is alive/real (not saying she is or isn't, just I wish I was more certain), as dead hunters aren't participants of the games (ex: Mary, Wu Chang, etc…).

There is Matthias, who we know burns Louis backstage and causes his parents' deaths would relate to the arson/elimination bit too, but the faith bit doesn't seem to fit with him.

There is someone like Ann, who does have faith themes in her story, but we know she's with Alva (based on her 2nd leter), who doesn't appear to be one of Andrew's teammates, and ergo I don't think she's here either.

That leaves 3-1-5. We know that they're good at disguising their true intentions, at sensing other's emotions, are hostile to Andrew, and wear a "facade created through acting" (uses when he lies to Andrew via fake praise). And they may eliminate Andrew and 3-1-4.

Honestly, based on the little we know about Florian from his recent trailer, I wonder if he may be 3-1-5. In a sense he is in the "spotlight" based on the whole bit with him being a "miracle" and how he "learned to play along with the stories" to receive more sympathy and donations, though we know from his trailer and hints from his backstory that he likely starts a fair number of fires (like in the scene where he drops a match with some nun not far away). So he would be the type not to be bothered by endangering or eliminating others. And it's also possible, based on his outlook about his parent's love still being with him, just "absorbed into the flames", and him being a miracle due to their sacrifice, which alleviates his pain at not seeing them, could be why he might be hostile to Andrew.

Andrew's mother did all she could to protect Andrew, but Andrew wants to die to be with her.

Compared to Florian, who may believe he is a "miracle" resulting from his parents' love, parents that did all the could to protect him.

Maybe he'd dislike the idea of Andrew throwing away his life after all his mother did to protect him?

I don't know, it's a bit hard for me to describe my thoughts rn, but hopefully I got at least some of it across.

(And we really do need Florian's deductions to know for sure.)

[wooahaes]

getting to know you

pairing: non-idol!husband!joshua x fem(afab)!reader

word count: ~1.0k

warnings: mentions of giving birth/pregnancy/newborn baby (afab reader who is referred to as a mother). some postpartum depression notes. mentions of struggles with fertility. no proofreading, intentional lowercase. writer is going through some thoughts tonight lol

daisy’s notes: rare present tense daisy bc i think it works better here. sorry for a more emotional thing, i’m dealing with a lot of thoughts haha im almost 23 i shouldnt even be thinking abt having kids rn and yet.

this... wasn’t the way things went in fiction.

with joshua out, you’ve had a lot of time to reflect. all you really could do from your hospital bed, curled up on your side, was just your newborn daughter as she slept peacefully in her crib. she has his nose, you think. maybe his eyes, too. truthfully, you hope she does. you’d always told joshua you hoped your baby would have his pretty eyes. she’s still so tiny, so wrinkly, but she’s alive and well and now she’s back with you again. a tiny part of you thinks that most mothers would be holding their newborn now, cradling that tiny life that you supported for so many months and falling more and more in love by the second.

yet... it hadn’t really clicked yet. you love her because she’s your daughter, the way that all mothers should, but...

it’s hard to say you love her past that, cruel as it may seem. the online forums told you that it was normal to not feel attached yet. you’d just gone through hours of labor with your husband’s hand clutching your own, you were exhausted. if anything, you should be using this time to rest until joshua comes back. although you’d already eaten by now (the soup the hospital had given you was actually delicious, but you still aren’t sure whether that’s because of the fact you were ravenous or if it was legitimately good), joshua had promised you a dessert of your choosing. a celebratory thing for giving birth.

(now that you're alone, you don’t think you really wanted him to leave yet. but he told you to rest before he left, kissing you one last time before keeping to his promise that he’d made months ago.)

a light knock at the door catches your attention, and in walks your husband with a bag and a gentle smile on his face. “i’m back,” he says, shutting the door behind himself. he comes over to your bed, gently kissing you once more before setting your dessert aside. “how are you feeling?”

empty. you look at your infant daughter again. i shouldn’t be. “tired.”

“it’s okay,” he says, making his way over to the crib. “i’ll watch her. you should eat and sleep, honey.”

he’s so gentle with picking her up, securing her in his arms and looking at her like she’s the most beautiful thing in the world (and she is, truly: you think she is, but you just wish you could feel more for her than what you do). he settles into a chair, and all you can do is watch your husband as he oh-so-lovingly gazes at the product of so, so much time. getting pregnant took so long, and you still remember crying with joshua when the test was finally pregnant (and again after your doctor confirmed it with a blood test, just to assuage your own fears that it was a false positive). in fiction it happens on accident, or after a few attempts. no one told you that you’d be trying for so damn long before your body did what you wanted it to do.

“it’s okay, you know.”

you perk up a little when joshua speaks, his gaze having yet to leave your baby. “shua?”

“you don’t have to be bonded to her immediately,” he says. he remembers the conversation the two of you had about a week ago about this same exact topic. what if i don’t love her yet? “she’s a new person. you didn’t love me before you knew me, right?”

he has a point. as did every single website you turned to in an attempt to calm yourself down during that treacherous countdown to giving birth. this is normal, they would say. not all parents bonded with their baby right away. and yet you can’t help but feel guilty that you’re another one of them, stuck watching your husband and your baby have the bond you wish you could already have. 

“we’re still getting to know her,” he says gently. “it’s okay.”

you let out a sigh, curling up on your side again--careful of your own stitches. the recovery process would be hell on its own (hell, you know whatever they gave you is wearing off more and more as you become acutely aware just how sore your body is), but your focus is just on you, your husband, and your baby. “do you love her?”

“that doesn’t matter,” he says. “i do. and i know you do, too. but she’s still a stranger to me, you know?” he stands, carefully making his way over to sit down next to you. “i love you,” he says. “i think she has your lips.”

“she was just born, shua,” you weakly smile as you lean into his side.

“like you haven’t been staring at her thinking about how she has my nose,” he smiles, too. the pains of having a husband so deeply in love with you that he knows your thoughts well by now... plus your previous conversations about what you thought she’d look like probably come to mind now, too. “i think,” he says, “she’s just as beautiful as her mom.”

what a sap, you think. but he’s your sap. “just as pretty as you, too,” you tease, cheek pressing against his arm. “she really does have your eyes, you know.”

“she’s ours,” he says with this warm, loving pride in his voice. he looks to you, still smiling so gently (and enough for the both of you, you think: he knows your struggling now), “i hope she likes us, you know.”

the thought makes you snort a little. “god, i hope so, too.”