#i worried itll be cancelled

[thoughts-of-the-unheard]

it took me a while to realize that its lockwood frozen and gasping at the end but ever since i did, it breaks my heart every time i see it

[dysfunctionalnerd]

im surprised tumblr hasnt jumped on dead end paranormal park, or maybe i just havent seen it in my circles. Its got a fat gay transmasc lead, a most likely autistic lead, found family, demons, a bunch of other kinds of queer rep, and a talking dog. and it talks so openly about the topic of being trans in a way i havent seen in a kids show before. especially not for a trans male.

this is pretty incredible stuff. and aside from the rep its also pretty funny and an overall enjoyable watch. Never feels forced. Its the kind of kids show i wish i had grown up with. Of course netflix has once again taken it upon themselves to completely neglect advertising it, so i thought i might make a little post to inform you that its a pretty good show and you should watch it if you're into that stuff. :)

[flygefisk]

doesssss anyone want a quick colored icon/headshot comm, 600g?

stuck in a hotel room n can't work on show prep/other comms n need Something to do

[marklikely]

netflix is genuinely so funny theyre like yes we are raising prices yes we will no longer let you share your account with your family but hey look on the bright side at least our original content is not very good.

[sonknuxadow]

dear god artfight is exploding im trying to submit an attack and its taking forever i have like 3 notifications sitting there taunting me because i cant see what they are with how bad the site is running

[29121996]

icrefuse to be Poor

[violentdevotion]

i love your actimel fridge posting keep it up

:D thank you !!!! Its more full than usual right now because the other day i went shop and got some and today my brother went to get groceries and my mum told him to get me some actimel while he was there so for at least the next 2 weeks i should be good on actimel !!!!

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

[faiirybread]

applause ︴aa23

🎤 in which.. a well known kpop idol meets a formula 1 driver

pt2!

yourusernameofficial just posted!

‘cold shoulder’ out in 24 hours. Enjoy, my blossoms🌷

tagged: smtown

liked by user1, alex_albon, and 9,238,012 others

user1 HOLY SHIITTTT

user2 MOTHER

user3 HUHH?? GIRLIE IS FEEDING US

user4 I LOVE YOU YN

user5 PLS PLS PLS TELL ME THIS IS HER REPUTATION ERA

user6 I THINK ID DIE OMG

user7 NO ONE IS DOING IT LIKE HER

user8 we love you yn!!💗💗💗

user9 forever proud to be a blossom 💐

alex_albon just posted!

Singa-poor luck luck.. Had some fun though! 🇸🇬👋

liked by albon_pets and 158,407 others

user1 youll bounce back in japan albono!

user2 why is fernando looking at me like that..

user3 we love fernando shoe model

user4 WE LOVE YOU ALEX

user5 itll be better next race 💙

yourusernameofficial just posted!

First stage of Could You, Would You, and you guys were magical!! I love hearing your fanchants and cheers, thank you to everyone who watched! 💗 🌷

liked by alex_albon, user1, and 8,261,864 others

user1 BREATHTAKING. AMAZING. GROUNDBREAKING

user2 love from france!

user3 you never fail to impress!!

user4 is it just me or did she seem really tired??

user5 its just you babes

user6 get off her mfking page if your gonna bring her down.. stupid hater

user4 im not hating, im a long time stan but im just worried about her.. going from a year and a half tour right back into a new album promotions is tough..

user5 WE LOVE YOU YN!

user6 😍😍😍

user7 COLD SHOULDER AOTY, COULD YOU WOULD YOU SOTY, YN ARTIST 👏 OF 👏 THE 👏 YEAR ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

user8 ALEX ALBON LIKE?? WHAT IS GOING ON?

user9 who the hell is that..

user8 hes a formula 1 driver!

user9 he needs to get the hell away from yn.. she doesnt need someone like him dragging her down

user10 girl what the hell are you on, all he did was like her post??

user9 i just want the best for her and he is clearly not it 😒

alex_albon just posted a story!

yourusernameofficial Thank you so much for coming, I’m so glad you enjoyed it!

alex_albon I loved it! You are a master at performing 😆

user1 ALBONO A KPOP STAN??

user2 SINCE WHEN DID YOU LIKE YN

user3 GET AWAY FROM MY WIFE

user4 STOP. LET ME HAVE YN WHILE YOU DO YOUR LAPS AROUND THE TRACK

yourusernameofficial just posted!

tagged: smtown

liked by alex_albon, user1, and 8,638,273

comments have been limited

kymillman just posted!

YN YLN spotted at the paddock today! She seemed to be very confused as to where to go, but was pointed in the right direction by some of our drivers.

liked by user1, user2, and 56,823 others

user1 YN AT A RACE?

user2 i thought she was on a hiatus..

user3 shes on a hiatus from music, but she’ll still be out and around 😊

user3 her fashion sense is soo pretty!

user4 right?? i NEED her to meet lewis and zhou!

user3 sorry im not much of a f1 fan, who are they?

user4 lewis is lewis hamilton, a 7-time world champion and an icon in the sport, he has really cool outfits every week and drives for mercedes, and zhou is zhou guanyu, a driver for alpha romeo, and also has really cool outfits, he’s in his second year!

user3 awesome!! ill watch them and alex albon!

user5 so she cancels promos for cold shoulder then goes to a race??

user6 thats what im saying! i dont think that alex albon guy is a good influence on her..

user4 bro be so fr, alex albon did not tell her to go on a hiatus. her logical brain did after she was STALKED AND HARASSED BY HER “FANS”

user6 why is fans in quotes? they wanted to meet her, and shes not easy to meet so they did what they could, whats wrong with that?

user5 dude wtf are you on about, thats stalking and she has a right to be upset, im just wondering why she went to such a highly-publicized event after trying to get out of the public

user7 she looks so tired, i hope shes taking care of herself 😕

[detectivekonan]

hi everyone, my bank account has been negative for a while and its the end of the month, which means i will be hit with monthly fees on the last day of this month and the first of next month. im worried they will close my account if it stays that way too long because when i was a teen i used to have an account with them that got closed because i couldnt pay it at that time. and with it being a new month soon, rent will be due on the first.

im also a transgender person who is living with my mom and my 3 year old sister, who i take care of most of the week, while my mom works and so forth.

i am disabled and on ssi, BUT! they cut my ssi by like $400 ish when the year started due to an government official fucking things up in my case documents, saying i havent been paying rent since april 2021, when i have been using my ssi the entire time for it, because my mom told him that BECAUSE of them cancelling it for two months for a review that rent wasnt paid those two months, so it was a MAJOR mistake made by that government official

. and so i am not getting even close to being able to pay rent now, and i dont know if itll be fixed at all. however, due to housing assistance FINALLY coming through, they were able to pay the 5 months of rent and late fees we owed, but now we are still in trouble with the landlord, who said we cannot be late ever again, so we cannot even wait for the 5th anymore, which is when my mom gets paid, and she doesnt make nearly enough to pay utilities nor rent due to fees from her debt

i can only use paypal at the moment since i can access it off my laptop using the library wifi (we've never had actual internet since living here)

any amount really helps, reblogging this post also helps a lot as well

paypal

[icey--stars]

Stories To Be Told: PART 15

Series Index

A shadowsinger, a warrior, an Illyrian, that's what she was. Trained by one of the most formidable female warriors. Escaped the Illyrian camps and her clipping when she was barely sixteen and is now the holder of 6 siphons. What happens when she tries to sneak into the City of Starlight? And starts down a whole new road of chaos?

a/n: im gonna be honest ya’ll. im giving MYSELF backlash with this damn writing lmao. one second she loves az. the next second she’s back to cussing him out. i love it and hate it so much right now. but dont worry. itll end soon.

↢ 『 ☾ 』 ↣

I didn’t sleep that night either. Nothing could quell these thoughts in my mind. The walk had done nothing. Azriel had done nothing. My thoughts were not only hitched on that stupid dream I had, but the few memories I had of… the event. Gods, I needed to find a way to refer to that. Rather than just the “event”. 

The next morning, with my eyes sunken in and my head feeling so incredibly weird, there was a knock on my door.

I stood up, limping a little bit less as I cracked the door. Azriel, of course, was on the other side of it. I opened the door a bit more, leaning against the frame as I stared at the hazel-eyed male.

“You look tired,” he observed. “Did you manage to sleep last night?”

I sighed, rolling my eyes. “If you’re coming here to check on my well being again, I’m fine. The fact I told you I was thinking at all is a miracle.” The thread in my check yanked again and I grit my teeth hard.

“I’m aware, I’m not here to push it. Cassian canceled training today, so I was going to invite you. Since you wanted to continue training and all,” he explained.

I cocked a brow. I did remember saying that. Az was here to actually make good on that promise?

“Why’d he cancel?” I asked curiously, opening the door a bit more as I moved to grab my leathers.

“Unrest in Illyria, Rhys went with him. And seeing as you’re already not taking Madja’s advice seriously, I figured training couldn’t be too bad, since you walked nearly 15 miles in the forest.”

I narrowed my eyes, jerking my head to meet his gaze. “How do you know that?”

“Shadows can do a lot more than you think.”

I rolled my eyes, strapping on my last dagger before following him through the halls. He didn’t go to the balcony, where we would fly up, instead, as if still concerned for my healing, he led the way up the stairs to the training area.

The fresh breath of air I got when we finally got up onto that little plateau, was relieving in the best of ways.

“Would you like to work with mitts first? Or something else?” Azriel asked, stretching out his wings a bit as a wind blew from the left.

“That sounds fine,” I replied, hiding a yawn behind my forearm as Azriel went to retrieve the equipment we needed.

“By the way,” He said, walking to me. I’d settled myself into one of the fighting rings. “You’re wearing your leathers for the Day Court meeting. Along with the other Valkyries.”

“Alright.”

Azriel seemed a lot different than a few days ago. We had been arguing before the event. And now he has gone a lot more… placid and compliant to my requests to leave things be. Which, don’t get me wrong, I appreciated it, but it just made me wonder.

Was he getting tired of forcing himself to deal with me? Or was I really just being that sensitive? Maybe I’d spent too long away from actual civilization. Maybe this was actually all totally normal. Maybe-

I cut off my thoughts as I wrapped my knuckles with a bit of cloth offered to me.

Azriel had protective sparring pads on his hands, and braced himself carefully, and then gave me a challenging look. “Let out whatever you’ve been holding. If you need to work off the strain working your body to the bone, we can deal with the fallout.”

My lips tightened, and then I settled into a stance and threw the first punch. Azriel didn’t budge, just had his arms out in front of him, preparing for the next. So I kept it up. I threw the next punch with more force behind it, and then another. I kicked high, my body basically splitting in half, and then righting myself quickly, punching skillfully again.

I didn’t focus on who was behind the pads, just… I just let go. Punching became the silence I needed. Kicking became my release. It almost felt like I was back with Rainne. Training with her again.

Distantly, I thought about what she’d told me right now.

“Little bird… you need rest.”

“I can’t rest!” I argued.

She clicked her tongue, pulling the pads back up. “Then hit. Until you cannot anymore. Until your thoughts are no longer too loud. Remember to breathe. Follow through. Whatever hurts you… let it flow through.”

I knew the shadows were whispering to me, telling me to stop. They weren’t always unkind. Sometimes they worked to keep me from losing myself. It just wasn’t common. The kind ones were never as loud as the ones who claim to have better decisions than I. 

The pads dropped. With it, my focus.

I looked up to meet Azriel’s eyes. “What?”

“Are you… alright? Your shadows are going insane or something. Even I can hear them from right here,” he admitted.

I glanced back. The shadows were large and flowing around me, and I heard them basically screaming. “Shut up,” I ordered quickly. “I’m fine you little pests.”

The shadows calmed after a few moments of placating. I pulled them closer and then turned back to Azriel. At least whispers of my failures hadn’t been coming through them, I thought distantly. That was always a good thing.

“I’m fine. How long have we been doing this?”

“Almost an hour.”

That shocked me, my eyes widening. “Didn’t mean to get so much into that,” I admitted. “Do you want a turn?”

“I’ll only take a turn if you’re certain you’ve worked off whatever is up with you.”

“I’m fine,” I lied and began unwrapping my hands.

Azriel put one of the pads to my hands. I raised my gaze. “You sure?” He asked.

I sighed. “I’m alright Az. Your turn.”

We switched equipment and I braced myself carefully, and let Azriel get in his own punching as well. My body ached distantly from all that I’d been doing. Goddamn. Ever since I got caught up with this Inner Circle, I’d have the most crazy ride of emotions and events. It was nothing like the forests, or the years that passed by in just the blink of an eye. No, I’d been here for a while, but it hadn’t even been that long. The days dragged instead of passed.

But you wouldn’t have met any of them if this hadn't happened. Nesta, Emerie, Gwyn, you wouldn’t have met any of them. Know them at all even.

Friends. I hadn’t had friends for a long time. And now I have three sisters. Not by blood, but it felt impossible. I’d lived the majority of my life either alone, with Rainne, or mourning for her. And now it was like a whole new life I had. Whether for good or for bad. So far, it's been both. Training and being with my friends was great. Azriel, work and the event had been absolutely terribly confusing or painful to think about.

“Be here,” Azriel said suddenly, breaking me of my stare with his wrapped fists. “You keep getting that look that you’re thinking about something that’s in the past.”

“How would you know?” I countered, taking his next blow with ease.

“I get the same way,” He admitted, looking up for a moment before sending a winding kick. “You keep thinking that much and you won’t like what you find. So be here. Right now.”

He flared his wings as he moved to punch again. I grunted as he hit true. Strong damn Illyrians, I cursed.

“See now you look frustrated. That’s better than the thinking look you have,” Azriel commented. “If you’re thinking about the events that have happened, you have to find a way to stop. Find a way to not… zone out or whatever. If you have to, use your anger to keep you centered. Or something, anything else. Thinking does you no good if you’re just upsetting yourself.”

“How do you know I’m upsetting myself?” I countered, moving to the side of him, forcing him to move with me. “How do you know? What if I’m just thinking about the creatures I met in the woods yesterday?”

“You get… a look when you’re upset. That’s all,” Azriel replied. “What creatures did you meet?”

“A lot of wolves,” I replied. “And something that was dangerous, but it was the one who can’t climb.”

“A Fright?” Azriel guessed. “I’ve seen a few.”

“I think that’s what they’re called,” I answered. “Only see them in the Night Court.”

“They have other creatures in other courts.”

Azriel paused after a bit. He and I kept sharing a few words. I shared a few about creatures I saw in the Winter Court. He shared his from the times he was tasked to check out reports of them and then deal with them. 

“Would you like to continue, or are you done?” He asked, unwrapping his hands as I slid the pads off.

I lowered my gaze to the sandy ground. Did he want to continue? Or was I once again burdening someone else?

“I’m good,” I answered. “I’m going to go find Nesta, see if I can do a dance lesson.”

He raised a brow. “Nesta’s teaching you to dance?”

I nodded.

“Good luck then. I’ve seen her skill for myself, so I hope you can keep up.”

I rolled my eyes and left him as he put back the equipment, wanting away. I just keep avoiding people, I noticed.

I spotted Nesta reading in one of the chairs of the common room. “Nesta,” I regarded as I approached.

She lifted her gaze, and her lips raised in a smile. “Y/N, how are you doing? Your injuries mostly healed?”

I nodded. “It’s only some slight pain. I was hoping to uhm- maybe do a dance lesson?”

She stood, placing the book on a side table. “Yes,” Nesta said, grinning. “Yes, that sounds amazing. That book was getting boring anyway.”

“Just pining after each other endlessly? Or ignoring each other's presence until the end of time?” I guessed.

She gasped. “How did you know!? Yes! That’s exactly what they’re doing! Both!”

I chuckled. “Their the most endless tropes I know of. Only reason I ever read them is because they tend to have a good confession scene.”

“You read romance, I like you even more. I didn’t even think that was possible,” She chuckled, walking towards me. “Alright, follow me, I know where we can start.”

Nesta grabbed onto my hand and began to drag me after her. I stumbled a bit but quickly jogged beside her quick pace.

“Have you never danced before?” She asked.

“Rainne tried to teach me one formal Winter Court dance once. I think we just forgot to practice. Or we decided to not go to the Solstice celebration that year.”

“Better than nothing. I learned all the formal ones, so I’ll teach them to you. In case you ever end up needing to know them. I practice with an instructor down in Velaris sometimes, but normally I just tend to steal Cassian.”

I scoffed, amused. “What are you stealing Cassian from?”

“Brooding, or paperwork. I don’t know- he’s the general, so general-y things.”

I chuckled. “Yes, general-y things.”

She hummed. “Do you want to learn the female side of the dances only? Or would you like to learn both? We can steal Az and get him to help with those.”

I shook my head immediately. “No- no, I’ll just learn the female ones. I can learn the male ones by watching.”

She and I walked into an empty room that was pretty large. Nesta walked confidently toward the middle of the room, pausing as she turned back to me.

“Alright. First order of business!” She declared. “Hand placement.”

Dancing, it seems, was actually quite complicated with the specifics like hand placement, and where you go with the dance and all the more complicated steps. But it seems that the grace I displayed with my footwork when fighting, actually was quite similar to these formal dances Nesta insisted I try. My thigh twinged uncomfortably on a couple moves, like the spins or dips, but I just grit my teeth and continued. Luckily, my wings proved barely a problem. Besides the dip, when a male’s arm generally goes behind your back. Nesta managed to work it in a way that comfortably rested on the small of my back. 

My shadows, however, fell in love with the movements instantly, swirling around me as if they were learning to dance themselves. Some still remained wreathed around me, writhing happily as I completed a movement successfully, while others tried to do it themselves in the shadows that my wings cast on the ground.

Nesta was stronger and more confident in her moves than me or my shadows. Distantly, I thought about what she would be like with a skilled partner. Probably very regal and graceful, I guessed.

“You did well on your first day!” She insisted as we walked out of the room. “It's just memorizing the dances now. Think of them like battle maneuvers. Except instead of fighting, you’re dancing with a partner.”

“Yeah,” I hummed. It was almost dinner.

“By the way- Rhys asked me to ask you if you were going to become a Valkyrie. Do you know?”

I smiled. “Yeah, I think I will. Azriel told me as well. I have to cut a ribbon, right?”

“Yes.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard. You think I can sneak into training tomorrow and get it done?”

“With Cassian banning you from training? No,” she chuckled. “Just wait.”

I rolled my eyes. “I can deal with Cassian,” I insisted.

“Y/N,” she warned. “Heal first.”

“Fine,” I grumbled. “But first day back and I’m cutting it.”

Nesta chuckled, smiling. “Yeah, you do that. We can dance again tomorrow if you lose that pain in your thigh you keep wincing from when you spin.”

I scoffed. She gave me a look. “Fine,” I conceded. “I’ll wait.” 

↢ 『 ☾ 』 ↣

TAGLIST (see post for getting added)

@mis-lil-red, @bunnymallowo, @judig92, @biblophilefox82, @azzydaddy, @thegirlintheshadows101, @whatupmydudes01, @feyres-fireheart, @elizarikaallen, @xenlynn, @panzees-bizarre-adventures, @starswholistenanddreamsanswered, @baebeepeach, @nyctophiliiiiaaa, @brekkershadowsinger, @officiallyunofficialperson, @bookslut420, @margssstuff, @bluephoenix908, @goldentournesol, @rebloggiest-reblogger

[chronic-gastro-illness-culture]

not anything too serious,

my symptoms always get worse with stress, and when i’m about to go somewhere and have even the slightest symptom i get stressed about it happening while i’m out which then makes it worse, cycle repeats. recently this has led me to leave/cancel plans suddenly because i feel terrible and i panic about feeling awful while out and i’m worried my friends are starting to to resent me or that they will in the future

i never know if i should add in to these or if ppl just like talking into void but i thought id give u an affirmation n say i do think is p srs n that its the reality of chronic illness

stress is the #1 factor for all digestive disorders n most other chronic illness n stressing abt having a flare up at the wrong time is a part of chronic illness n it rlly sux bc it is like a self fulfilling prophecy n ppl do see it as a moral failing on the chronically ill persons behalf bc “well why do u have to be anxious abt it itll be fine” like its some sort of switch u can just turn off n on in ur mind

also ppl r a communal species n its nice having a support group n when ur going thru chronic stress n that chronic stress makes u sick n u develop a chronic illness if ur ppl start to leave u that can makes things worse bc now ur left to deal w all that stress on ur own which compounds the problem

but just bc ur worried abt ur support system leaving doesnt mean they will some ppl can be supportive n understanding

it can rlly suck to cancel plans bc it feels like the chronic illness is robbing u of ur life n enjoyment but just bc ur having a bad moment or bad episode doesnt mean thinks will be bad forever

one thing u can do is let ur friends know u appreciate them supporting u n being understanding of what ur going thru another thing u can do it make new plans if i have to cancel smth w friends sometimes we just change what we were gonna do if im feeling too bad to go out n am worried abt needing a bathroom randomly i usually invite them over to my place n we just chill in to make it up to them if they have a movie or show theyve been wanting me to watch ill watch it w them then lol but u might find ur friends r rlly supportive n thatll be less stress for u

it also helps making friends who also deal w similar issues i have a coworker friend who has lactose intolerance n ibs one friend also has gerd n one doesnt have a diagnosed stomach disorder but he has an anxiety disorder n his digestive system definitely is effected but we can all vent to each other n understand if someone needs to cancel or change plans or needs accommodations etc etc

thnx for ur ask btw i rambled a lot hahaha but u brought up important stuff abt chronic illness imho

[levia-kun]

::readmore::

my grandma is gonna fly away on saturday

itll likely be the last time i see her again because her cancer has gotten worse and the meds dont help anymore

she also said she wont do chemo

so thats it * sigh*

she noticeably coughed more when i last visited

im supposed to visit tmrw but honestly its hard to muster the energy

im just so sad

i promised to visit her new apartment in fujian but due to covid and uni clashes i wont be able until summer

will it be too late until then?

will it be like my grandfather and i get to visit a grave instead?

ive been thinking a lot about cancelling my degree just to live in china with my grandparents

idk how my other grandmother is fairing after all

is she doing well? i hope so

and my father and mother have complained about their health too

and everytime i visit its about how much ill inherit and what and what

my father looks so much older too

* sigh*

im just so worried

[maythray]

[MASSIVE spoilers for talking abt tpot 3 current voting results under the cut]

i am. so so so so happy i actually thought about who i voted for this episode. normally what ill do is ill go with my gut response or first character i decide on needs votes for that episode while the screen is still up. this. probably sounds stupid but i do it cause otherwise i fall into a cycle of back and forth that drives me insane.

ANYWAYS. i didnt do that this time. cause we have the 2 team voting.

i dont really. personally care for anyone on team S, other than like cloudy (o7) bottle and winner. but i also felt like they all were popular enough to not worry about (i was wrong on cloudys behalf but. what. EVER. its FINE im totally. not upset.)

ANYWAYS so the teameights. there was no way you were getting a vote outta me for that team that wasnt for gaty or saw. i also thought "hey, saw had cute moments this episode, gaty didnt really. and also saw is already pretty popular as a character" and went for gaty instead.

and good god im happy i did. cause she is pretty low down on the votes at the time of me checking. and that was. so worrying for me. cause i would actually be massively upset if she got out so much earlier and before saw :(

im not really worried for her now. as it stands the bottom half of the votes look like this now (i normally dont look at these but i got spoiled by accident so whatever)

oh my god nevermind point cancelled fuck my whole life. gaty in the 8s bottom two oh fuck my whole life it used to be her having a 2 person buffer. I NEED TO STOP WORRYING itll be fine itll be fine IM STILL GLAD I VOTED FOR GATY IM NOT WORRIED ABOUT SAW ITS FINE ITLL BE FINE!!!!

[abvfluxing]

Several months ago i told my roommate i wasnt interested in looking at a new place to live, bcus at the time i figured there was a good chance i wouldnt still be living in ohio in the next several months to year. (I never told her why i didnt want to look at new places thankfully). Bcus i thot things were going to keep moving in a positive way with him. Very stupid of me.

I waited 6 months on two things. "Idk how I feel " and "we will meet in person". 6 fucking months of waiting patiently.

And when i finally bring up the first thing i get "well i don't think i feel that way... but who knows what the future holds". Wtf. half a year and you still cant say it decisively. I tried so hard to take that as a definitive response and move on, but it wasnt and i couldnt. Bcus im an idiot.

After the first cancelled meeting i waited. Then a second cancelled meeting. And he says "well im not going out of my way looking to pick up trips to go that way, itll happen when it happens". I keep waiting. One day i try to sincerely explain how much its hurting me to wait to meet like this, and how much I want to take the initiative and plan a trip to his city. And how worried i am about the whole "flight school" on the horizon since its going to most likely alter his schedule in such a way that him and i will have so little free time at the same time. And how that scares me bcus it feels like the first step to losing him completely. And this is another reason im pushing to make a meeting happen.

So Making it very very clear that i only would want for one small simple meeting, like a lunch, and that if thats all i got with him that would be enough bcus i also just really want to travel somewhere and see things jve never seen and that taking a plane by myself is a very scary thing, but if im going somehwere where i know a friend is on the otherside it gives me the strength to do something so extreme for myself, i mean im someone that gets stressed and anxious just trying to go to a store or run errands. He says "no, i cant guarantee it would work out to meet, and i dont want you to spend all that money and be disappointed" also "im not out to my family so itd be comllicated to have you over as anything other than a friend". First of all, im not even allowed to try and make something happen. 2nd with weeks ahead of time anybody can plan for a single lunch to happen once out of 2 or 3 days possible. 3rd it must not matter how important it is to me, to be able to try and do something like this, how little i expect how little commitment im asking for it, how unobtrusive im trying to be but also experience something. It doesnt matter. 4th, what the fuck is that second excuse coming from? I didnt ask to meet your family, i didnt ask to come over to a family dinner and ve introduced as your boyfriend. How is that a concern when ive made it clear none of that is expected? (Well stupid ass me thinks only someone thinking of doing those things would randomly bring them up when they were not previously stated). 5thly, if you had a job that would literally PAY you to go and visit your alleged "best friend" ... wouldnt you kinda fucking want to do that? Wouldnt that be cool as shit? If i could get paid to visit some of my friends, i think maybe i might try and make that happen every once in a while. So he wont take a paid trip to see me, and im not allowed to pay for my own trip to him. Kinda really sounds like "i dont want to meet you". Only took this dumbass about 8 months to realize that one.

The last couple of weeks ive been trying to act "normal ". Im not messaging him everyday, even tho i want to. And it fucking hurts me. And idk how he feels about it, or if hes even noticed. Not like he would ever really tell me the truth anyway. So im an idiot and an asshole.

I can't even get him to say something as simple as "i want to spend time with you" i tried so hard one night to see if he could even say that much, it didnt work. Bcus im an idiot.

We had two big fights recently too. The one everyone could see where he made it clear he thinks im stupid as shit. And then a second one a few days later while in a discord call. He was upsetting me so much i had to hang up on him before i blew a gasket. Then i explained to him why i got so upset and his response was "wow you got upset over someone elses opinions". He was going to let the night end like that. Soni explained further why I was so upset. And he said something like "ok". And i had to be like "do i even get an apology?" (After i had already apologized for hanging up and getting upset, earlier in the convo). And only then did he finally give a half assed barely covering the problem apology. But I took it and rejoined the call after calming down a bit more. Once again i was being stupid and an ass.

Ever since those two fights i feel like i get treated like shit all the time. Like he is mad at me about stuff but cant even remotely bring it up outside of treating me like shit. But then the one day he streams its all "this is the game brad recommended for me, he knows me so well" blah blah blah. And weirdly nice replies sometimes. Like clearly something is up. But more likely im just an idiot.

He was trying to talk to me the other day, just a couple days after my "worst day" of the very very bad past two weeks. I told him "sorry i havent been feeling well". Him "oh are you sick. Me "well not like cough cough sick". Him " then what is it?". Me "its hard to say out loud". Him "oh ok".

And that was it. No reassurance, no "im here", no "i understand but you can talk to me if itd help". Nothing. Is that really how someone responds to their "best friend" clearly not being well? Its hard for me to tell bcus im so stupid.

And then the announcement earlier. Came with no warning to me. Last i heard he hadnt heard back from any places. And hours before he posted that he asked what I was doing, and i was playing totk amd watching gdq with the roommate. Not really a good time for him and i to play a game together that would take the main tv in the living room. So he said ok have fun. And i said "if you want to hang out in a call thatd be cool". Him "well id have to go in the other room, ill just stay in the living its more comfortable". Me "ok well lmk if you figure out how to use discord in the living room and id be down to hang out". Him "id either have to wear headphones and not hear the game or put you on speaker and youd hear my game. Which is so annoying". Me "i normally use headphone and just leave one ear uncovered to hear the game. Also so when my games have been too loud". Him "its mostly my friend nate 'blah blah blah" convo ends. And a couple hours later we get that announcement.

Hes got his next two months planned out basically. One month of "working back to back" which contains two weeks off, one of which an international vacation! Lmao. Followed by starting school the next month. two weeks before my birthday! How perfect! I messaged him and told him im happy to hear that he finally heard back from a place. And that im happy for him. But im also so fucking pissed. Ive told him how this school thing coming worries me, and he makes a group post instead of telling his "best friend" first. Isnt that fucked up? Once again im being treated like shit. And hes able to have two weeks off in june, including an 8 day international vacation. But i get "ill try to stream for those other days". Somebody you said "we will meet eventually" and you cant make room for me after all this time before turning your whole lifes schedule around making it so you know we wont be able to hang out anymore. So clearly im a huge fucking asshole for having such selfish fucking thots when all i should have thot was "oh yay good for you!". But hey thats what you get when your a stupid worthless ashole am i right? 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆

[moonchildstyles]

no l i think you should get them!! i actually just got the airpod max (in green 😌) two weeks ago and i love them!! i was so worried i’d regret them because of the price but they’re so comfortable and cute! i’ve been so much more productive because of the noise cancelling feature, i just play music and turn noise cancelling on so now im a million times less distracted. they’re so great for studying/ working!! i love them so much ❤️❤️

thats what im thinking!!!! like I feel like itll help me concentrate more and im excited to hear how it sounds esp since I do use Apple Music and I know they were obv developed w their program in mind so im just super excited honestly!!! I cant wait to have them!!!