#i would kill myself like i am so serious i am so disordered i would not be able to handle it i would be dead either way babes

[specters]

some people seriously lose all empathy when it comes to the people in red states like it's either "just move! you have to move!" when shit hits the fan or "well this is what you get for voting these republicans in" like 1) i did not vote for these demons (also side note: funny how you think dems have our backs 💀), 2) marginalized communities are in danger and writing entire states off because they're supposedly majority conservative does nothing for your cause & only empowers the one's inflicting harm so don't be surprised when they come for you next once they're done with us, 3) why do you expect everyone to have the means to just pack up and leave their homes, jobs, families, etc. like where do you expect them to fucking go. i am once again asking if you guys know how the world works

[beaker1636]

Donors Wanted - Chris Motionless Teaser and Masterlist

@talialovesmiw

“Listen, I know I sound absolutely fucking insane but I really need you to do this, please. I wouldn’t ask you, or risk outing them and you going against them. Rick means a lot to me, his friend and leader means a lot to me and if we can’t get him a donor then he will die within the next two days. Even if you only help until we can find him another one I would owe you, please.” My roommate Sierra begs, staring right into my eyes with her own brown ones, looking like she is ready to cry.

“So you want me to donate… sorry, let a vampire, which I didn’t think even existed, to drink from me because he would die if I don’t? One, why me? Two, if he's that close to death, what is stopping them from just taking a random person for him to feed from, isn’t that exactly what vampires do? And three, a fucking website? I have to sign up to donate through a website like what the hell?” I let out a sigh, brushing my hair back into a messy bun to get it out of my face while glaring at her as I took a seat on the couch.

“It’s you because I know that I can trust you not to out them, and I know you love to help people so if I could convince anyone to do it then I know it would be you. And they don’t just drink from anyone who isn’t willing to donate, that is their whole thing, and why they do the website. They don’t want to hurt or kill anyone despite the fact that it is accepted and normal in their culture. Hell, some others are upset that they do things this way, that they have a weird private network for this. Listen, I know this sounds crazy but they are a great group of people, Chris is one of the best people I have ever met despite the fact that he is a vampire, I wouldn’t ask you this if it wasn’t an emergency, please?” This time I can tell she is serious, looking like she is ready to cry and it is enough to make me let out a sigh, relenting.

“Only until they can find someone else, that’s it,” I say softly, not meeting her eyes. “Where do I go for this,” I say with a sigh of defeat.

Suddenly there are arms around me, her giving me the biggest smile that I have ever seen her have. “Thank you, I’m serious, thank you for this. They’re all going to appreciate this so much, I’ll tell Rick you are filling out the form online and he can accept it right away, get Chris here tonight so we can help him.”

My phone is taken from my hand as she quickly pulls something up, handing me a survey to fill out asking my name, ethnicity, blood type, any blood disorders, etc. I fill it out with a sigh, wanting to just get this done and over with, not honestly sure what I just walked into, before turning to Sierra with a defeated look to tell her I am done.

Seconds later I got a match approval notification and she turns to look at me again with a smile on her face. “Thank you, thank you so much. Rick asked if they can come over after nightfall and we can help Chris, is that okay?”

“I-I guess, if that is what is needed then I will do it. You’re lucky I trust you when you said that he’s a great guy because I really don’t know how to feel about this,” I say with a groan. “I’m going to go take a shower because I doubt I’ll have energy later.”

“Thank you, I’ll text him and let him know that Chris can come over later. I swear when you see how sickly he is you’ll understand why I am so desperate for this. This means way more to me than you would understand,” she says softly, moving to give me another hug that I shrug off before making my way into the bathroom.

As I settle into my hot shower I wonder what the hell I just got myself into, why I agreed to this. Hopefully this doesn’t bite me in the ass.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

[emotionaldisaster909]

Oh, joy))

Just had a fight with my father

Who’s completely lost to the propaganda, because he is extremely easily influenced

So i showed him those videos from Kyiv

And he says

“Answer this: Why won’t Zelensky sign a peace treaty?”

And I ask him

“Answer me this: Is this an excuse to kill innocent people???”

On which he says that every day everywhere people die whether you like it or not

So I ask him

“Are you serious??? Are you insane??? Are you fucked up????”

And he spilled alcohol on me))0

And called me a piece of shit

Who doesn’t understand anything

And who’s opinion doesn’t matter

Now))

This is exactly how our government looks on it’s people

He speaks their words

Because he listenes to their propaganda every single day from every device

From multiple devices at once even

Has been for years

Now.

How am i supposed to change minds of thousands of brainwashed people in my country

If I can’t even change my father’s mind

What am I to do

I can’t even hate him

Because I know that he literally has an official mental disorder

Which made him believe all kinds of liars - cultists, medical frauds - for as long as I remember

What am I to do?

What am I to do when people say that it’s not just Putin’s war, that russians must pay, that Russia must be bombed in return

Aside from the fact that the majority here is agains the war

But, just as in Hitler’s Germany, we are forced to keep our tongues shut

Which we don’t

And we get beaten up, arrested for bigger sentences than rapists and murderers

Used to instill more fear in people’s hearts

And to tell stories about “foreign agents” who were sponsored by “The West”

Should we start a civil war?

Should we kill people who are just too naive and bombarded by all sides by levels of propaganda Goebbels would look up to?

And

As a journalist

Believe me when I say that this propaganda is WICKEDLY smart

It uses all the methods known to history of information in a rapid fire speed

It even turned around my own desire to not see things “one sided” into the decision not to see anything at all in fear of being lied to

Which is dumb

But should i be killed for this?

I just kept listening and talking to people

Different people in my job

And a funny thing about a tattoo artists’ job

Is that there are many soldiers getting tattoos

Good thing is, many of them come and tell us that they quit, that this war is pointless, that it’s just our government making money from it

But some don’t

Yet when I talk to them

They

Talk like

People

Not some monsters

Just people

But they truly believe

That they’re doing a good thing

That they’re fighting to free the oppressed

That they’re fighting to protect their people

Or to avenge their fallen comrades

I

I might be just too naive and empathetic myself

But

I don’t want them killed either

I don’t want any deaths

Haha

I want a third path

Hahaha

Yeah, I might be too influenced by the ideas of a fictional character who is also called stupid and naive for his views

But

I don’t know

The only people I want to be punished are those who rule this machine of war and hate

And not only from our side

But

Maybe it was also told to me by propaganda

But i don’t think that American government wants this to stop too

I think I saw it in english media as well that US government is known for profiting on wars all around the world

Forgive and correct me if I’m utterly wrong

But in that same post that said that the entire russian population supports war

Was said that we could’ve stopped it

We

Tried.

Before the arrest of Navalny and soon after our opposition had the biggest rise in this century

We had so many mass protests

They were all brutally suppressed

Young men, women, literal kids and, I shit you not, literally VETERANS, GRANDPAS AND GRANDMAS who ALREADY LIVED THROUGH ONE WAR were BEATEN AND ARRESTED BY POLICE FORCES which are supposed to PROTECT THEM

After the arrest the oppression of opposition has strengthened

We lost our leaders and organisation

Protests began to lessen

Yet with the declaration of “The Special Military Operation” people ROSE AGAIN

And the same thing happened

But worse

So many brutal laws were adopted

All to ensure not a single negative word or movement against the government

So yeah me and my family might be soooo fucked for what I’m writing right now

I’m really not so sure if tumblr is safe

I’m riding on sheer hope for a fluke

But

I just

I am so sorry for keeping my eyes closed for so long

This app and talking to people here is what made me open them

What let me express my rage and made it boil to the point where I couldn’t shut up anymore

I don’t know if I should post this or not

I don’t know.

I might not

Will it make a single change?

I know a way of doing this safer and for a longer time

Actually

It would even be more influential

Yeah

But I wish there will be time

When I can no longer be afraid

And when my words will be heard loud and clear

Along with all the voices of those

Who stand with the free world

For peace and love

And

Hualian)

[actual-changeling]

I am going to say this once and for all because I am not about to simply shut up and sit back. I am chronically suicidal, I have tried to kill myself, I am still affected by ALL of that and struggle with it on the daily.

If you use suicidal ideation and suicide itself as a plot device just to hurt a character/characters and don't even understand the basic psychological foundation and thought patterns that lead to that kind of disordered thinking you are a vile, ableist human being and I hope you stay far away from me.

Whump and angst writing is one thing, using suicide attempts in your stories like they are somehow a fun new addition to your plot roster is nothing short of disgustingly offensive. You can write about suicidality in a respectful, educated manner even if you do not struggle with it yourself, but that requires research and the ability to LISTEN when people tell you you are fucking up. If you cannot do that, shut the fuck up.

I am tired of being nice, I am tired of seeing my disorders fetishized and turned into entertainment, I am tired of seeing something as serious as suicide treated like it's nothing but a fanfiction trope, I am tired of no one else speaking up and simply letting it happen. I am tired of people not caring that writing can and will hurt people, and with this topic in particular it is outright dangerous to write it in an irresponsible manner.

I did not want to get involved in drama, I did not want to name drop, I was not a part of it and simply made a vague post about it because Ellis is my friend, but I'm tired. This is personal for me and this is the last fucking line someone can cross.

If you still follow penandinkprincess and intend to continue to support her after this I want you to unfollow and block me.

The miscarriage fic was one thing, inaccurately writing about trauma and PTSD another, stealing my fic concept a whole different discussion no one probably cares about anyway but this? Using SUICIDE of all things as a funny whump device? No. This is disgusting, irresponsible, ableist, and dangerous. I would *never* write about suicidality in this manner and the fact that she does so after repeatedly not listening to people telling her the way she handles mental disorders is damaging is intentional bigotry and I want nothing to do with that.

If you come onto my blog to start drama over this I will block you. This is not tumblr discourse and this is not about headcanons and I have said so before. Look at my other post if you want more explanations, I will not spell all of it out again.

Bottom line, if you support that kind of ableist, offensive behavior I do not want you anywhere near my writing or my blog, this is supposed to be as safe of a space as possible for everyone. I am so fucking sorry for everyone who comes across her post without warning, if you need to talk my inbox and my dms are open, take care of yourself people.

[directorphobos]

I don’t wanna be clocked as the “I’m better than you disabled type” for saying this, so please don’t go there. But I feel like people do have a problem with getting way too comfortable in their misery over the years here and I hope people see what I mean one day. Back when I was miserable myself and didn’t have the resources I do now, I used to get angry at those who said I’m capable of “doing more” or related but after receiving the help I’ve needed I’ve come to realize its a kind of fucked how normalized its been in these spaces to just.. use specific experiences or illnesses as a scapegoat? For a lack of better words. I used to do it but again, it’s normalized here I guess.. we’re capable of so much more and I’m growing more and more tired of the “I’m x so I can’t do x” thing..

I’m diagnosed with various things, some expected some new, I’ve been through heaps of traumatizing both irl and online situations resulting in the cptsd, chronic depression, BPD, some sort of dissociative disorder etc all being treated. What gets me though, is I see people experience way more mild things that they end up intensely identify with and blaming it or a few bad experiences on every negative trait they have, and don’t try and change anything. A lot of the time leading to misdiagnosing themselves as well with something serious, and yeah, I get mad about it. I get that people don’t all experience things the same but the same awwrghwk729191

The more I see this sort of thing taken happen between mutuals/acquaintances etc after I provide my insight the more (unreasonably?) angry I get? Because in my mind I guess people should know better but at the same time they haven’t been “enlightened” like I have so to speak. I’ve helped a couple of people, but some are so, so stuck in the “I’m this so I can’t do that or be expected to” thing and I only see this mindset in people who are very stuck on social media. I do not see this in people who are more “offline” or focus more on projects/friends/etc who have been through a lot like I have as well.

And just like. Dude.

[CW experience dump of unpleasantness];

If I can go through 13ish years of back to back domestic violence, witnessing my parent trying to kill themself multiple times, being woken up to screaming at 1am almost every day for months at one point, see people get beat, get beaten myself, have someone try to run me/family over twice, have a sibling die, endure s/a and on top of that be sent through multiple manipulators online after thinking I was through it all; I’m sure others with more “mild” problems in comparison they’ve ever went through can pull out of the “I’m so constantly drained and I can’t do xyz thing,” like I have, with work. But they have to really want it, when I get angry is when I see someone perfectly capable of using those resources and they don’t, but instead sink more into the “I can’t to blah” mindset.

I guess yeah there’s no hiding that this is a direct nod towards something that happened to me/someone recently, but nothing would change even if I dumped my feelings which I’ve done way too much of and itd always amount to nothing sooo instead I’ll just dump about what I see it all relating to in online phenomena. I’ll never be satisfied with how a friendship fell apart because of [the everything], and I could explain my pov further but I don’t want to get anymore specific than I am + I’m all around very certain it all culminates to this sort of thing. Out of all the worries I have recently reflecting on this is the only upsetting thing I’ve really been through recently besides random works issues and I think this will plague me for a long, long time. Wegh

Ty for the like attention span of idk 3 peanuts of my 50-ish followers who would read this post 🏓

[strawbearyhoney]

Just say you hate ppl with eating disorders and go

if someone were to promote depression ( literally using a pro-depression tag and telling other people how to get more depressed and encouraging others to self harm and be miserable ) and i said ' tumblr should block that tag ' would you say i hated ppl who suffer froam depression . lol

i have ppl close to me who have suffered from eating disorders and i have a complicated relationship with food myself . its one thing for ppl struggling with an ed to have a space to talk about it , to connect with other people going through the same thing , even to vent about it / their challenging thoughts and talk about when they relapse . its another thing entirely to make posts like " fat ppl are ugly disgusting monsters you have to be skinny pale and frail to be worth anything or beautiful " and then plop urself right into an echo chamber of people obessing and nodding along liek yes yes i must be thin i must be thin all i want is to be thin im disgusting

you are going to die . full stop . you are going to die . your organs will fail and your hair will fall out and your teeth will wear down from the acid of you throwing up so often . you are going to die and it wont be pretty . you are going to die if you do not get out . eating disorders kill people , full stop . liek i need you to understand how serious this is . you either recover or youre dead . this isnt me saying " i dont liek that these people are talking about something thats bad " or " ppl struggling with this should have no spaces to talk about what theyre going through " , this is me saying " the pro ana tag is so incredibly dangerous and tumblr should block it liek theyve blocked countless of other way less harmful tags " . this is me saying im begging you to do some reserach to get out of the echo chamber and i know its not that easy and you cant just say ' wow ur right im healed now thanks ' , but you have to want to get better and that starts with cutting out " thinspo " and to stop encouraging eachother to slowly kill yourselves

liek there are a host of other problems too . the fatphobia is an obvious one , but also the colourism , racism , etc . the pro ana / thinspo communities are obsessed with reaching this ideal of a skinny pale waif , so many blog titles and urls are centered around being ~ fragile ~ and ~ pure ~ and they only ever focus on white girls ( or apparently kpop stars now ) . its an incredibly toxic place . " meanspo " is a thing now ?? i couldnt stomach too much of it

but without getting into the ~ discourse ~ or how ~ problematic ~ those communities are . putting that aside . youre going to die . full stop you either recover from an ed or it kills you . and some people with eds are suicidal and that wont deterr them , for some their goal is to wither away into nothingness . ppl with eds are not healthy , mentally or physically , and that is not a moral judgment , it is a fact . people get eds for all sorts of reasons , from trauma ( abuse , bullying , sa , etc ) , from being fat in a fatphobic world , because they latch onto food as something they feel liek they can control-- there's so many reasons , an endless amount of reasons . i am not here to shame anyone for having an eating disorder

that does not change my stance on the fact that the " pro ana / thinspo " tags ( and their copycats . #proana #proed #thinspi #thinspii #thinspø #thinsp0 #ed not sheeran #ed not sherran #ana miaa etc etc ) are dangerous and should be removed . similar to how someone going into tha #depression tag and promoting and encouraging others to kill themselves should be banned

srsly if someone went into tha #depression tag and started posting and commenting on others posts liek " kill yourself , its never going to get better , heres some accessible ways to die , heres some suicide inspo , heres cute suicide note ideas , kill urself just die prove everyone wrong , everyone will be so sorry and regret the way they treated you , just die " , people would mass report them and dogpile them and be angry at them and get them banned . but when pro ana ppl do it suddenly its " let us cope " lol ????? not all coping methods are good or healthy or should be encouraged / promoted . and self mutilation is one thing , but when you are actively harming others it cant be left alone

to quote Blythe Baird from her spoken word When The Fat Girl Gets Skinny : if you are not recovering , you are dying

[clatterbane]

One of the things that's actually funny is that I have been eating SO MUCH more sugar (and carbs in general) since I did finally get appropriate treatment, with the supplemental insulin I've needed since at least 2008.

It's extra fun when you already have an ED history, and get plunged into that "you're obviously slowly killing yourself with knife and fork, but what would anyone expect from a lazy fat American?" mentality. Coming not least from the people who are supposed to be helping. The ED brainweasels were certainly having a party for too long, and I probably did my system some extra damage with restriction and overexertion. Whatever I did, it was not going to fix my fucked-up pancreas--and things just kept getting worse as more and more beta cells gradually died off.

I still have to nope right away from too many legit triggering conversations even among people with known autoimmune diabetes. No damned wonder we have like a 30% rate of diagnosable EDs, even on the "I did nothing to cause this, HONEST" autoimmune side of things. (I don't even need to get started on the misplaced Type Wars hierarchical BS again. Pisses me off even worse, as someone who nearly got killed by ending up on the "wrong" side of some terrible assumptions for way too long.)

And that 30% is mostly among people who did not already have disordered eating behavior (or significant scrupulosity problems) going in. It's positively encouraged--again, not least among professionals who are supposed to be helping. While being one of the fastest ways to cause your body serious mischief, especially once you throw supplemental insulin into the mix. If I am never exposed to another word about intermittent fasting or obsessive focus on carb counting with a moralistic tone, it will be way too soon.

Thankfully I have yet to hear one single goddamned word that's not genuinely medically appropriate about my weight or presumed eating habits since I did have that spectacular collapse, and then got to be clinically underweight enough that they have been repeatedly commenting on that--between the mistreated diabetes itself and the resulting GI damage from that final ketoacidosis crash. Regaining some weight and actually feeling hungry again more often, as I keep recovering from that bullshit and am consistently physically able to eat solid food again, has been sort of doing my head in lately. Not least because I do not want to get treated like garbage again, as I do recover and get back to a healthier weight. I have seen how that works, and really do not need a repeat.

There's still too much that's kinda triggering on an ongoing basis, but at least I am quite deliberately telling myself that I can eat whatever the hell I want and mostly actually DOING it. I am now decently equipped with insulin and a CGM to watch my blood sugar levels, and the world is my smörgåsbord at least as much as it is anyone else's.

I may actually go and get some ice cream in a little while. Because I want it, and I do have the technology.

[kaddyssammlung]

The Love You Want - Analysis

The Love You Want

“You lie an inch apart on your own continuum”

Don't we all do that somehow? We all percieve the world through our filters of our past and therefore we all kind of do that. It's really hard to overcome stuff like this. This is part of my daily “business”. Becoming aware of those filters and taking new paths.

“Now keep the freakshow talk to a careful minimum”

This takes me back to times where everything felt so dramatic and serious and I took myself very seriously. There was no distance between my actions and my thinking. I acted on every impulse without being able to have any control. I was told that I seemed crazy quite a lot. I can't really blame anyone. I would describe them as crazy times. Being hung over a lot or rather all the time did not really help. Drinking a lot messes with your perception.

“I'll find a different harbor to lay my anchor in”

Next time I want to break up with someone I'm going to say exactly this XD.

Let's see how she will react.

Okay this is kind of evil but I interpret this this way.

“And you'll find a different way to keep from setting sail again”

I don't fully understand this. Does he mean that they should not be with someone? I mean they can set sail and then find someone else? Right?!

To me this is about breaking up with someone.

“But I'm still full of the love you want”

Really? I don't know if that is good. When I think back about “Like That” and the way that you were treated, Vessel then I don't know if this is something good. It's nice that you are full of love though.

“still waking up beneath it all”

It's makes me think about the countless times he kind of refers to being under the water or being caught somehow. It sounds like “waking up beneath it all” is like a nightmare.

“I'll reach for you on faith alone”

This is interesting yet I can't really place it. Because faith in what?!

“Seems your heart is locked up and I still get the combination wrong”

I get what he is saying but I wonder who this is directed towards. Does he mean Sleep? Is there someone else?

Other than that I really like this image that he creates with this.

Maybe their heart is locked up for protection? Maybe they want to protect themselves or others also?

“or are you simply waiting to save your love for someone I am not?”

This reminds me of me kind of being an asshole during the last summer. There was someone out there who really wanted to get to know me better but I totally “blocked” her. Idk if we would have been good for each other. I will never find out.

“Too many swallowed keys will make you bleed internally someday”

I get the analogy. The keys that he used to try to open up their heart. But this also leaves a strange taste in my mouth. As if it maybe also hints at other strange behaviors. Maybe something eating or disordered eating related? I have no idea.

But also, yes the swallowed keys will kind of kill you. Meaning that if someone does not want to open their heart for you then you can't make them.

It also makes me think about the guy where I buy my alchemical substances from. He refers to them as “keys”. Let's say I have trouble with opening my heart then I would use something to activate that chakra.

You could then say that this substance is like a key to my heart chakra :)

“Maybe, you believe that in the end You will be better off that way?”

Yes, I do. It's easier with my BPD. If no one is with me then I don't have to be afraid that someone will leave me. Thank you for calling me out again.

In the video Vessel is being “killed” and then ends up in the same place as in the begging of the video. It makes me think about reincarnation. Since I'm someone who believes in that, too. The only way to “escape” this is through ascension. That's just how I see it.

[haunted-kitty]

hi systems of tumblr i need Help. i am a questioning system and i have been for a long while now and idfk what to do or think anymore

i cannot talk to any sort of therapist / psychologist about this, so please give me any assistance you can even if its just "this sounds like ____" / "this relate to this and i have ___" / ANYTHING please

warning i dump some of my trauma here but i also put red text that just gives a summary without heavy desc so you can skip the description if you dont want to be triggered or upset.

tw child abuse, mentions of death / injury

basic info about me that may or may not relate

- i am a minor with cptsd & autism

- i have a Lot of repetitive trauma. like i dont wanna traumadump it all rn but a Lot.

- i am disabled

- all my older relatives are all shitty people which i cannot ask for help with this. all my younger relatatives would not be able to help. there is no one who i trust enough to help me with this So hiiii anon tumblr blog here i am

-i have not wanted to live for as long as i can remember [and i can remember very far back].

- i had a lot of periods in my childhood where i go Blank for a while, like, memory wise. i would "wake up" somewhere else the middle of an action and have no idea what was going on or why i was there. or felt out of control of my body, i dont know if this has lessened or if i have just grown used to the feeling if that makes sense

- i am psychotic. i have been since i was little and i know how to deal with it now and do not have any Serious delusions or hallucinations anymore

-ive been questioning whether or not im a system for a Long while now but i never get far with it because i literally cannot figure myself out.

- i do not feel i have a real personality

- i dissociated a Lot in childhood and even now.

- i feel like shit went Wrong when i was meant to develop into a normal person and i am now fundamentally fucked

- i have done a Lot of research of osdd/did [and disorders in general] on and off for some years and have never found a conclusion for myself Help me

trauma dump about my experience with possible alter - scroll to red text if you are triggered by: religious trauma, suicide mention / suicidal thoughts

when i was a child [this is abt when i was around 8] i was heavily in denial about the fact that i wanted to die.

i knew my parents [abusive] would react Badly and also i was religious and raised to believe i would burn in hell for it so i just Refused to admit that i hated living.

one day i saw it on the news with my parents [it was some headline like "suicide rates rising" or sum idfk sorry] and my mother said "who would be crazy enough to try and kill themselves" and she wanted an answer back so i said "haha yeah..." and i heard a voice behind me [like Right in my ear behind me] say "you would" [as in you would be crazy enough]

this was not an auditory hallucination. i did not have voice hallucinations at the age and it was extremely different to anything i have ever experienced.

and i was fucking terrified cause as previously mentioned i was raised religious and thought this was a demon trying to tempt me into sin and holy fuck there was a creepy girl whispering my deepest darkest most sinful of secrets in my ears

the voice whispered more into my ear about my inner workings and thoughts and stuff i was in denial of

i have no clue if this makes sense but when i heard its voice i saw like a Flash of info about it. like when you suddenly remember something and the whole memory just Vwoops into your brain? some physical traits and some personality traits, along with the fact that this thing Knows me deeply and knows everything about me?

i looked behind me and asked my mother if she said anything and she said no and gave me a weird look.

i never mentioned anything to anyone because i was convinced they would hurt me if i did.

i felt its presence in the back of my mind [it didnt speak often but even when silent i could feel its presence like the way you know when someones staring at you].

i kept refusing it and saying i did not want it and ignoring it everytime possible and eventually i felt it fade [not the right word but idk wtf to say. it went In or it just disapeared or something]. i felt kind of at a loss when it happened cause i didnt know what to do.

i considered the idea that it was trying to help me but even if it was i had no clue what it was.

TLDR: 8ish yrs old. i was in denial about my mental issues. i heard a voice in my ear very clearly wording out my mental issues in a way i could not. freaked the fuck out and ignored it even though i felt its presence for like a month and eventually i stopped feeling it there. no clue what that was

i told a system blog this experience once and they suggested that i look into bpd & aspd and that they dont know what to say as theyd never heard of something like that happening so young before

since then i have been never heard the voice behind me or any other solid voice. i dont know if it was an alter who went dormant or just some weird dream or hallucination or what.

i ignored it for all my childhood because i was scared. at some point a few years ago [covid times] i felt something similar again, not a voice but Something and i felt the immense need to try and figure it out. i did a Lot of work and all i could figure out was that voice probably Was trying to help me in some way. i was heavily in denial about most of my trauma and mental illness until like a few years ago because my family basically cult brainwashed me Haha.

also also i have had a lot of times where i have not felt Myself but have also still been there. its hard to word but i was still There watching myself do things and if i Really wanted i could try and stop my body from moving but like.... I didnt feel like i was Alone in my brain if that makes sense??? bru idk its that Feeling that someone else is there thing again.

trauma dump warning if you are triggered by: phys abuse [by father] mention, desc of me fearing my abuser would kill me scroll to red text

a time like this that stands out a lot is when i was younger [9+ -14] and my dad had just hit me and yelled at me and he pushed me down and i nearly hit my head on the stone kitchen counter but i just missed it and i was struck with this horrible fear because what would have happened if i did hit my head? i would probably be seriously injured. ive hurt myself on there before and it wasnt even that bad then but i still needed to go to the hospital. would i have died if i hit my head then? is he going to kill me now? and i was filled with so much fear i couldnt move and i had no idea how i would get out of this. i was literally backed into a corner. i completely spaced out.

i felt myself kinda Snap back in my mind for a second like idk how to phrase it but my mind Changed and all of a sudden i had a clear plan like Streamlined to my head and all emotion and desires other than SURVIVE were pushed out And like i felt So out of it and disorientated and ouguhhhhh felt weird bru idk how to word this shit was Odd and moving my body felt weird.

i saw myself run upstairs and check for injuries and try to clean up nd fix body but i did not feel like i was moving ??? like i was Out Of It and my body was just taking care of itself and i was just There like what is happening. OH I SORT OF HEARD A VOICE AGAIN HERE BUT IT WAS MORE LIKE. sudden dominant thought than voice in my ear voice. it was just telling me what to do and questioning if i had bandaids in my room.

TLDR: a time that stands out is when i was younger [9>14], i was being abused and nearly had a serious injury which i slimly avoided and was frozen with fear and spaced out. i suddenly felt myself snap back into place, disorientated and completely Weird, and felt thoughts [a plan to get out] that were not mine. i did not feel fully in control of my body and like i was being fed another persons thoughts as i saw my body tried to help itself. i felt like another persons thoughts were dominating over mine and all in all Strange.

anyway i kinda got back into myself after i was mostly taken care of but i was still Not Fully There if that makes sense??? like i still wasnt responding or thinking or talking or moving ANYTHING like what i usually do and i was aware of this and i was really confused about it and what was going on

sorry if this is worded wrong i wrote most of this late at night and again im autistic and get misinterpreted a lot and also my memory is kinda fucked up

anyways if anyone could could shed any light on this in literally anyway you could i would be super grateful.

ALSO if you think this is some form of osdd/did/plural thing Please tell me how to speak to the people in my head cause idk its weird like this i would like to know what is happening in there and not feel like im suddenly being possessed or like im insane

[lifblogs]

So I made a mistake with scheduling earlier and my mom said it was CRUEL. Yeah, uh huh, a sick person going through an intense health treatment that makes them more sick for awhile is CRUEL for fucking forgetting an appointment day/time.

She also kept telling me she treats me like a child because adulting makes me suicidal.

I… I almost tried very hard not to be here 12 hours ago. Archer talked to me, and after Loki yelled at my mom for making me cry he came and cuddled with me.

I thought I didn’t deserve anything. I didn’t deserve my belongings, I didn’t deserve my room, I didn’t deserve food, I didn’t deserve to breathe, and I certainly didn’t deserve my cat. After a few minutes cuddling with Loki my thoughts began to change, and I started planning what I could do with Loki later. (Though I definitely think she’ll use me reacting to abuse badly [oh wow, who wouldn’t?] as an excuse to not take Loki to the vet. She doesn’t even believe he’s sick, even when he has post-ictal symptoms right fucking in front of her.)

The thoughts have gone… back and forth. A lot. But now I just realize how ridiculous it is that I am 25 and she treats me like a child because I’m mentally ill. I also tried telling her she treated me like a child at a recent doctor’s appointment, and she denied the entire thing.

She literally started off some of her bs yesterday with, “I’m not being cruel, but this is why I treat you like a child,” after I said I know HOW to adult, but I literally want to die every time I do. So. Fucked. Up.

She also said she won’t help me with appointments AT ALL if she can’t treat me like a child. She needs to fucking stop with these ableist ultimatums and her fucking black and white thinking. She also asked why I can’t just do the appointments on my own. I don’t know, Beth, maybe it’s the fucking seizure disorder. Maybe there are a ton of potential triggers I’d come across in an uber. Maybe I can’t fucking speak for myself when I’m that sick. Maybe I will feel dizzy and need a god damn wheelchair that I can’t fucking push because my wrist is in a splint. Maybe I have an emergency med that someone ELSE has to administer because I wouldn’t fucking be able to.

I also believe she’ll use all this as a reason not to get me a wheelchair. She’s already being a bitch about that one. She kept saying she’d get one from her friend, and when I tried to be dead serious about it she said it wouldn’t fit in the car or the apartment. Thanks for getting my fucking hopes up that I could get help. And oh no, I’m apparently a bitch for wanting to kill myself for being abused because I’m sick, so I don’t deserve any help whatsoever and it’d be better if I just suffer. Thanks, Mom. /s 🖕

I just cannot believe she also said she would continue to abuse me. I’m sorry, but how does that help anyone? Guess it certainly helps herself. Well, she can go fuck herself.

[findingmypeace]

It’s almost 4am. I haven’t been able to sleep for multiple reasons. Mostly, because I’m just so angry about the past two doctor’s appointments.

I am feeling quite irrational right now while also feeling very angry. By that I mean, the ed is screaming at me: I obviously need to get serious about losing weight and stop procrastinating. No more small snack here and there throughout the day. Instead, it’s nothing. I need to lose as much as I can, as fast as I can. According to my very own doctor I am apparently way too fat and as result I am unhealthy and therefore need to lose as much weight as I can. So I will. And if she can get insurance approval I will have a year’s supply of Wegovy (the prescription weight loss medication-a once a week shot). I guess my weight is so unhealthy that it’s important I get the aid of a medication to help me lose weight as fast as possible. (I’m literally not even obese. Close, but not yet). But, hey, the eating disorder is all for anything that can aid in weight loss. If I can get back down to a more comfortable weight I can’t even explain how great that would feel.

So those are the louder ed thoughts that are happening as a result of my interactions with my doctors. However, the logical part of me knows that an actual MD basically handed me a tool that will contribute to a disorder that is killing me. And in her words she is ‘helping me to achieve my goal’. On the appointment summary note she posted on the patient portal app she wrote about how I know I both need and want to lose weight but I don’t know how because of my ‘extreme behaviors and lack of coping skills’. Oh really. Well, I guess I’ll show you. I very much know how to lose weight. Just give me a few months. Fuck you! This is the battle in my head. I go from irrational to rational and back instantly. And there is a small part of that rational part of my brain that has started to come to terms with how bad things really are right now, including with the amount of behaviors, and, even though I understand the connection between my physical symptoms and the ed, if I truly want those symptoms to go away I need to reduce and eventually stop all ed behaviors. I like to pretend there’s other things that can treat my symptoms and make them go away. But I’m realizing there’s no magic cure. It just doesn’t work that way. So part of the back and forth battle in my head involves the lifting of denial/finally allowing myself to connect the dots on the seriousness of things and at the same time wanting to lose as much weight as possible, as fast as I can because apparently I need to. My own doctor says I’m too heavy and, according to her, being at this weight is really dangerous and puts me at risk for so many other diseases. (Her notes literary talk about that). So, yeah, part of me wants to give her a big fuck you and report her practice to every place possible and the other part of me wants to see if she’ll continue to refill my Lasix prescription (in addition to the wegovy) since that helped me lose quite a bit of water weight in just a week. They’re not open on Saturday but maybe I could call and ask on Monday. Or not. Ed brain vs recovery brain.

Now that I got a little bit of my anger out I am going to try to get some sleep. It is almost 5am so if I don’t fall asleep soon I think I’ll just get up for the day. I don’t have the patience for this right now.

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

Doom post

At the end of this is a picture of my cat, so if you wanna just skip to that, feel free. She's great, healthy, etc.

Don't read if you're already anxious, in a bad place in life, are directionless etc.. I'm ranting about life stuff, so you know yourself best. If you want to read and are feeling shitty, just wait.

It's winter here in the US. If you are reading this past 4 in the afternoon, you're probably not happy.

So there's this new AI coming up, it allows people to put in a prompt, and essentially ask an ai to write it. This works from anything from school essays, to basic medical diagnoses(enough to tell a person to go to the hospital), to correcting computer code. For the next few years this will be an uphill battle.

I'm just going to ask this now, as a person who is mentally ill and it's hard to hold down a serious job. I can't work or live at a deficit.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with my life?

(For context I'm officially diagnosed with: ADHD, Bipolar Disorder 1 with psychotic features, Depression, and Generalized Anxiety disorder)

After 3 degree changes I wanted to go into English teaching, but that whole landscape will change. Why would a 12-year-old write an essay when they can use this program. In the US, our long-form essay-based classes need to change. Plus, I'm a lesbian with a wonkey gender presentation on a given day that lives in a red state. I'm already not safe, I'm not going to be poorer than now and in dept as a teacher. So that's a no.

I'm in a 10k-people dying retirement town 6 hours away from a 100k-people city. I've already worked most jobs locally and was either let go of or quit due to my being part-time due to college. Got gently let go of from Walmart cause they were getting rid of part-time night stockers. All these jobs were manual labor, no office jobs, no 'lazy' jobs that respect my free time. They don't exist here.

I've tried nursing school, computer science, and engineering as degrees. Around 40-50 credits for nothing. Nothing kept me hooked, I had to be uber-medicated for my ADHD to stay going. I was able to get through high school cause I hated myself and punished myself whenever I was underperforming. I'm to tired to do that right now.

As for jobs-

Retail killed me, I worked WalMart for a year, and another local family owned business for four months before giving up. Unless forced to, I won't be returning.

I've tried Railroad (very male-dominated work environments); it's a trade. I wanted to die, mostly 40-year-old men looking at a 5'9 twig and deciding that's enough of a joke to grab onto for a bit. Not to mention all the touching. That's all there is here, besides specializing in another trade, where I could just get treated as badly. Nursing (where I'll be harassed with a smile on my face like my mother) or fitting in with a red town.

My therapist tells me to 'just go into computer science'. She's one of those people that are convinced that anyone can get a degree and find a good job. She ignores me when I tell her how my ADHD makes it hard to focus on tasks. I just need to 'power through it' and It'll work out in the end.

Oh! And Comp Sci is expected to have an influx of people over the next 5 years at entry-level positions due to the pandemic. No one in my family actually believes me when I tell them this, but I'd be fucked after I graduate. It will be impossible to find work with just a degree. I can't afford to leave for an internship that could cinch me a job.

I can't leave. I can't afford to leave. I'm 20, 21 next month, with no friends whatsoever as I hop around in life. All my coworkers are bigots, rude, or high schoolers, leaving me feeling more alone. I'm stuck in a $ 13-an-hour dead-end part-time job, and don't see an out.

If I left town for college, the only affordable housing is my family in the state I live in. So if I specialize I'll just be at ground zero if I'm forced to flee back to home.

I'm not the fun type of mentally ill that's gotten obsessed with something capitalism can call helpful. I obsess over a pirate show for 6 months, and spend most of my days tired and zoned out. I've tried to be hopeful and find a career that suits me. In every single degree I've looked into that isn't too heavily math-based (adhd) or social-based (probably autism, but no one here is qualified for AFAB people) is going downhill. I don't want to be here for this shit anymore.

Obviously, I've got stuff to keep me alive as concerning as this post sounds. I needed to rant, I'm probably in an episode, and if I was that badly off, I wouldn't be posting online. At the very least I have OFMD s2/s3 to look forward to, and household are kind enough not to point out how much of a dead weight I am.

I've got shitty meds that don't work, and a therapist who didn't know gay people could get married...so there's that.

I can't figure out how to verify this account. I've tried, but I can't see private messages. Reblog/comment if you want to talk. But IDK.

Cat photo reward for making it this far. Her name is Polly. She says hi.

[ahopkins1965]

Spirituality as a Coping Skill for Mental Illness

By

Anthony Joseph Hopkins

Mental illness alone is very challenging for more than 40 million people living in the United States. People who struggle with the diagnosis of a mental illness find themselves struggling to make it. Frankly, there are people, who turn to their faith in God just to make it. Personally, I suffer from schizoid affective disorder. I have been suffering from a mental illness for almost 23 years now. Why having a serious mental illness would is so difficult?

For me, I hear voices that are not the Holy Spirit. In my report, I have found that spirituality is an often overlooked resource in mental illness recovery. My assessment of religious or spiritual beliefs are under researched, and in most cases, it is laughed at by the Mental Health Community. Honestly, most psychiatrist refuse to actually listen to their patients. Many psychiatrist and therapist that I have consulted with during the past 22 years, feel that my spirituality is pointless.

I will admit that I have benefitted from pastoral counseling more than consulting with a psychiatrist and therapist. There are three main reasons how people with a mental illness cope with their problem. First, through spirituality, as well as relying on a power that is greater than the person themselves. As for me, I attend Fort McKinley United Methodist Church. The address to the church is 3721 West Siebenthaler Avenue Dayton, Ohio 45406. I have attended Fort McKinley Church for 7 years now.

It helps me to cope much better with a mental illness by attending church as well as Bible study during the week. I feel a whole lot better when I am at church. Second, there are over 50 million people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness and a substance abuse problem. This statistic comes from the National Institute of Mental Health. People who suffer from a mental illness, at least some of them drink alcohol or self-medicate themselves just to cope with their problem. Third, another coping mechanism that some people have used is suicide. I remember on February 13, 2010; I tried to kill myself because I was responding to internal stimuli.

The voices that I was hearing told me to kill myself. Smolak, Gearing, Alonzo, Baldwin, Harmon, and McHugh (2013) reflected and reviewed 43 original research studies over the past 30 years. These people have discovered that patterns that were related or pertaining to religious beliefs and a patient's recovery from a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia.

This observation found that religion and spirituality have a mostly positive association with mental illness recovery. However, the intensive observation indicated that spiritual perceptions of family, caregivers, the community at large, and professionals affiliated to the mental illness saw tremendous progress.

The results pointed out that religious themes were often evident in the perception of disease etiology, that family members and caregivers used religion as well as religious based professionals over mental health professionals. I would admit that working with a Pastor each week is much more feasible than dealing with a psychiatrist on a monthly basis. However, this report has better reflections of the patient.

It also has a better understanding of a patient's spiritual and religious beliefs as it assists in improving coping with a mental illness better than relying on medication. Religion and spirituality in conjunction with mental illness recovery remained historically under emphasized and minimized by mental health professionals. This means that spirituality will have to be emphasized by the patient themselves as a means to better cope with their mental illness.

The report finished with the idea of how enhancing the treatment provider's awareness of a patient's religious and spiritual interaction may improve treatment outcomes. I would like to say that religion and spirituality is not emphasized during an average consultation or therapy session. The majority of professionals prefer the use of medication to eradicate mental illness. Corrigan, McCorkle, Schell, and Kidder (2003) studied a total of 1,824 patients living with serious mental illness, who also had significant functional disability, but did not engage in substance abuse.

The information pointed out that the self-reporting of spirituality and religion as well as measured outcomes in psychological well-being, psychiatric symptoms, and life goal achievement such as employment and housing. This study determined whether religion and spirituality yielded similar benefits in the lives of people challenged and suffering from a serious mental illness, but also determined if those same people benefitted differently from religion. The patient's themselves participated in community activities and common ways of worshipping versus spirituality defined as thinking about one's self as part of a larger spiritual force. (P. 488). This study found that patients who self-identified as religious or spiritual has a much greater sense of well-being, better coping skills, and diminished psychiatric symptoms. There was also no difference in quality of life as far as employment and/or housing.

People who suffer from a serious mental illness usually advocate and assert that religion and spirituality serve essential recovery roles in that they may provide useful coping skills to help with stressors. Also, as previously noted, mental health professionals tend not to be very religious; therefore, the differences between professionals and patients may lead to a gap in treatment as professionals fail to ask about beliefs.

This could lead to a failure to explore religion or spirituality as a means towards a therapeutic end. There are conclusions from this study. The raw facts suggests there may be a need for faith based programs to be integrated into recovery programs for people with serious mental illness. In the future, more research is needed to determine the role of faith based programs and to more thoroughly examine the causes and effects of spirituality in the lives of people who suffer from mental illness.

In all cases, this study and examination serves to remind mental health professionals of the central role religion or spirituality often play in the lives of patients and to the fact that sensitivity to the patient’s needs in this area lead professionals to helping the patient find appropriate services and resources.

Women and minorities struggles with mental illness are much more intense than other races. These patients were more likely to be religious and more likely to turn to their faith as a means of coping, getting better, and staying healthy. These patients length of stay in a psychiatric ward was significantly shorter for patients who attend worship services or used religious thoughts and activities as one of the most important strategies to deal with their mental illness.

An initial spiritual assessment should focus on determining how patient’s spiritual beliefs and practices influences their functioning and recovery. By doing so, mental health professionals will likely uncover strengths and resources that can be utilized to foster recovery. Mental Health Professionals can also help patients focus on their capabilities and resilience as well as accessing and using other positive recovery oriented narratives drawn from the patient’s spiritual worldview in order to address their problems more efficiently.

Spiritual Assessment within the mental health area is under researched and given that spirituality and/or religion is identifiably a magnificent and positive part of serious mental illness recovery. This needs to be a more widely researched and utilized avenues of social science. In a society where mental illness can be isolating and stigmatizing label; spirituality can be a core identity to which almost everyone can find a community or ways to help make life with serious mental illness worth living.

References

1. Corrigan, P., McCorkle, B., & Kidder, K. (2003). Religion and Spirituality in the lives of people with serious mental illness. Community Mental Health Journal, 39(6) 487-99

2. Smolak, A., Gearing, R. E., Alonzo, D., Baldwin, S., Harmon, S., & McHugh, K. (2013). Social Support and Religion: Mental health service use and treatment of schizophrenia. Community Mental Health Journal 49(4) 444-50

[pagerspages]

I have an eating disorder

I have an eating disorder. I think I have for quite a while. Looking back it’s hard to see when the eating disorder starts and the restriction for health diet starts. I’m allergic to most common foods. They won’t kill me but they make me very sick. This has caused very much food anxiety. I have to read and reread every label at the grocery store. I can’t go out to eat. I’ve taken to just not eating at all if I have something really important going on. Maybe that’s where the atypical anorexia starts.

It’s only atypical because I’m still fat. For context I’m five foot eight inches tall. When I first started trying to lose weight a few years ago I was 265 lbs. I weighed myself this morning and I am now 170 lbs. I have lost 95 lbs in the past few years. This is a great accomplishment and I’m much more healthy and feel much better. But, I still see myself the same way. When I look in the mirror I don’t see someone who put in the work to lose the weight. I still just see a fat 24 year old.

Over the past few months I’ve taken the not eating if something important is happening and expanded it. Like I said I weighed myself this morning and the fact that I still was in the 170’s made me so angry for some reason. It’s currently 7pm and all I’ve eaten today is some starburst and a couple of fig newtons, less than 500 calories. I am hungry and would like to eat some food but my brain is saying no. I haven’t done anything to deserve to eat today. I don’t usually struggle as much on days that I work. I work a rather physical job so I can get it through my head that I have to eat. If I were to get light headed and pass out due to not eating I could put my coworkers into some serious danger.

I realize what I’m doing is dangerous and is in no way healthy and that I’m not that overweight anymore, I realize that I promise but I am absolutely fucking terrified of gaining the weight back. I don’t want to be the fat, funny friend anymore. I know it’s ridiculous but my mind is convinced that so many of the problems would be fixed in my life if I were thin. I know it’s wrong but how do I convince that little voice that it’s wrong? 

[blue-slxt]

🩵 for the get to know me q+a 🩵

11) Do you want children?

13) Baths or showers?

16) What do you typically have for breakfast?

18) Favorite swear word?

19) What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

22) What is your favorite accent?

24) Are you scared of spiders?

29) Are you a gossip?

33) What makes you nervous?

34) Are you scared of the dark?

37) Have you ever done drugs?

38) Who was your first real crush?

43) What makes you angry?

44) Do you like your own name?

45) Comfort character of all time

48) Earphones, headphones or wireless ones?

49) Would you date someone you met online after getting to know them for long enough to genuinely start something serious?

50) what birth control methods do you use or would you use?

61) what’s your favorite smell?

62) what are your biggest insecurities?

63) are you more attracted to people who are older than you, younger than you, or the same age as you?

64) are you afraid to walk alone at night?

65) What do you think is the weirdest kink?

66) Should hickey's be visible or hidden?

67) Cutest kiss? (Forehead, cheek, hand etc.)

i'm sorry i always go for the longest questions 🤣 but it's because i love you so damn much my blue 🩵

Hey my anonymous love! I may not always know who everybody is, but when I get a long list of questions, I know it's you babe!💙

11) Do you want children?

I do! My baby fever is actually insane which is why I have my reborn doll to help hold me over for the next 2-3 years until I'm ready for my first real baby.

13) Baths or showers?

Showers. Baths always freaked me out as a kid because I always thought of it as just kinda sitting in a pool of your own dirt lol. So I much prefer showers.

16) What do you typically have for breakfast?

Grits and bacon are usually my go-to. A lot of people aren't fans of grits, but I LOVE them.

18) Favorite swear word?

Daddy Fucker. I accidentally called this poor nurse a daddyfucker when he had to give me a shot in my butt. Thankfully, he found it hilarious.

19) What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

I think it was something insane like 28-30 hours last year. I had to work a full 12 hour shift and then I came home and had to move out of my apartment and that took a long time so I got no sleep!

22) What is your favorite accent?

I think Australian. Something about it is so fun to me.

24) Are you scared of spiders?

Absolutely. They terrify the living daylights out of me. Always have. If I see a spider, I immediately need someone to come kill it. I will scream and run and freak tf out.

29) Are you a gossip?

My gf says I am lol. There might be a little truth to that. But it's never malicious.

33) What makes you nervous?

Being perceived in public. When I'm out in public by myself, something about other people taking notice of me and what I'm doing makes my anxiety go up. But I have an anxiety disorder so that's just kind of my life.

34) Are you scared of the dark?

Yes. I usually have to have some source of light when I sleep. Usually, it's the TV. At the very least, it's my phone.

37) Have you ever done drugs?

I partake in some oregano when I'm bored lol. But that's it.

38) Who was your first real crush?

It was a boy in my first grade class named Christopher. I was into him real bad. He was so cute and funny to me. I hope he's doing well.

43) What makes you angry?

Ignorance and people just not minding their own business. Like please just let people do their thing if it doesn't effect you.

44) Do you like your own name?

I like my name. I think it's cute and it fits me. Especially knowing what my name almost was.

45) Comfort character of all time

There's so many to pick from. The one that comes to mind right now is Ishida from A Silent Voice. I relate to him and his struggles so hard. It makes me feel seen.

48) Earphones, headphones or wireless ones?

Wireless headphones are my favorites. They're the most comfortable and usually have the best sound quality in my opinion.

49) Would you date someone you met online after getting to know them for long enough to genuinely start something serious?

Yea. I met my current gf on tinder so I have no issue with dating people that I meet online.

50) what birth control methods do you use or would you use?

I use the pill. Well, I've been off it for a while, but it's my personal preferred method. I've been thinking about switching to the shot though. Not like I really need to worry about getting pregnant right now anyways.

61) what’s your favorite smell?

The comfort aromatherapy scent from Bath & Body Works. It's vanilla and patchouli. It smells soooo good.

62) what are your biggest insecurities?

Soooo many. I like to fake like I'm so into myself, but truth be told, I'm actually super self-conscious about my body. Particularly, my boobs and my tummy.

63) are you more attracted to people who are older than you, younger than you, or the same age as you?

My age range is for people only a couple years younger than me (maybe 23 at the youngest), but it's a wider range for older (I'd maybe cap it at like 38-ish). There's a draw for older and younger so it just depends on the personality. But I tend to lean older usually.

64) are you afraid to walk alone at night?

Yea because I live in the hood lol.

65) What do you think is the weirdest kink?

Scat play. I could never. I won't yuck someone else's yum, but I just do not understand it in the slightest and I don't want to.

66) Should hickey's be visible or hidden?

It's always more fun if they're visible in my opinion.

67) Cutest kiss? (Forehead, cheek, hand etc.)

Forehead is my favorite personally.

Thanks for the questions love! <333

[sbldjn]

i don't even know how long it has been honestly, maybe one or two years ?

so i met this boy a year and a half ago, we have been dating since then. he helped me so much. he is the most caring person i have ever seen. i got so much better thanks to him. i started to eat again, to go out, to feel good. i thought i was cured. i knew a boy couldn't heal mental health problems, but i decided to stay delusional. he just appeared in my life like some sort of fallen angel, who knew exactly how to cure me. it felt amazing.

i also focused on my religion, which helped me as well.

i always kinda felt like it was going to go bad again. i just didn't know when and i tried so hard to not fall apart again. it was like hanging on by a threat that could break any moment.

but recently it has all gone wild again. it started with the eating disorders that came back first. i felt that the depression was there too, but not as much as before. i could get up even if i struggled to. not eating enough has made me loe a few pounds and most of all the euphoric episodes are coming back. i chose to distract myself by going out every week-end and drinking alone. i chose ignorance, i chose to enjoy being able to go out before i can't anymore. forgetting everything feels amazing. it's just remembering that hurts.

i feel like i am starting to want to die again, which is not super reassuring. i always told myself that it would be serious the moment i started to think about killing myself again. i don't know what to do. i don't want to hurt people i care about.

it's so hard.