#i’ll have a good idea for a comic about being trans and finding out my identity later than i expected

[jayskai]

i want to write a comic about being trans but ughhh why is it so hard ,,,

[itsheartbeat13]

Something I don’t think enough people recognize when it comes to making shows more diverse, there is so much going on behind the scene that you literally can’t “just add them.” 

Alex Hirsch had to wait until the end of Gravity Falls to show that Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland were in love so that way the show didn’t get prematurely cancelled. And even still, that was censored in other countries. 

________

The Owl House has a bisexual afro Latina protagonist that falls in love with a white lesbian. They kiss several times on screen and say “my awesome girlfriend.” It also has Disney’s first nonbinary character (Raine Whispers), their bisexual love interest (Eda Clawthorne), and an aro/ace woman (Lilith Clawthorne). However, because like five people said that TOH wasn’t the “Disney brand” the show is prematurely cancelled. So even with everything that TOH did, it only won battle but lost the war. 

________

The art crew for Encanto had to fight to make Luisa buff. And when they were finally able to make her buff, Disney didn’t make as much Luisa merchandise because they thought little girls would want Mirabel or Isabela’s since they’re more “feminine.” (I think the same thing happened with Namaari when RATLD came out but I’m not sure. So don’t quote me on that.)

*Also, Luisa out preformed. So that’s a win. 

________

Bubblegum and Marceline couldn’t kiss until the series finale of Adventure Time because it would’ve been cancelled. So throughout the entire series, the crew always just had to imply undertones about their past. Since HBO produced Obsidian, they were able to kiss on screen.

________

Korra and Asami’s relationship had to tempt down so that way Nick could continue airing the show and they weren’t allowed to kiss until the comics. 

________

Turning Red got so much unwarranted criticism because not only did Mei’s mom say “pads” but she showed them on screen. (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if that made you uncomfortable, that’s a sign that we need to do this more and not less.)

________

Some countries marked She Ra as 18+ because Catra and Adora kissed on screen. (Once again, I’m not sure if this completely true but Nate Stevenson had to fight to actually show them kissing on screen instead of a fade to white.)

________

Steven Universe is the gayest show I’ve ever seen in my life which was both good and bad. It was good for obvious reasons. Example being that it was the first show that introduced to me nonbinary people in a way that wasn’t “haha, look, she uses they/them pronouns. She’s so funny and quirky.” 

And it’s bad because it put a target on it’s back. SU has been censored so much that it’s honestly a miracle that we got an ending. And in most of the countries that censored SU, they usually portray Ruby as a man. So I can’t imagine how bad the censors were when the wedding happened and Ruby wore a dress and Sapphire wore a suit. 

________

Also, you have to remember the outdated idea that gay/trans topics are “too mature” for kids to handle (there’s an episode of Adam Ruins Everything that talks about this). So it’s easier for shows with an older audience (like Arcane) to have queer/trans rep.

Not to mention, if you ever go on Insider’s website to look at the queer/trans characters in cartoons [here], most of the characters are revealed to be queer only online and not in the actual show.

________

All of this BS because God forbid that kids find out that other people exist. 

Representation is important but please, just be aware of the actually struggles that go on that you don’t see and be thankful that this is where we are now because even though it might seem like it at times remember that this is actual progress. We need to keep pushing studios to do more. I’m sure that there’s millions of untold stories that would be made if not for this prejudice. 

[a-queer-seminarian]

so ya wanna know about autism: masterpost

I give this google doc link out to individuals a lot, and realized it might be useful for a lot of people if i shared it more widely. It’s a masterpost of a whole bunch of Autistic Stuff -- here’s the link to the actual doc, but i’ll also post it all here on tumblr (under a readmore after the table of contents).

(edit: if the hyperlinks aren’t working for you, here’s the google doc url that you can copy and paste into an internet browser to access everything: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16BqhRv4IlZ6KcElGAEZOx8sFYwRs4W1jF-ddY_XKYnE/edit?usp=sharing )

Please spread it around (including sharing the google doc link outside of tumblr wherever you want). Feel free to comment with more resources, tumblr posts, articles, etc. that you find helpful! And if any links are broken, let me know.

It can be a major challenge for adult autistic folks to find content for us and by us, because so much “official” content is 1) ableist and harmful and 2) geared towards parents of autistic children. So I’ve compiled just about every resource I’ve got that discusses autism by and for #actuallyautistic folks.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

- ORGANIZATIONS AND SELF ADVOCATES

- DEFINING AND DESCRIBING AUTISM

misc.

Metaphors and images for autism

Disability models

Issues with Functioning Labels, ideas of “Mild” - “Severe” autism

- AUTISM AND INTERSECTIONALITY

misc.

Autism among women

Autism and race

Autism and LGBTQ

- STUFF ON SELF DIAGNOSIS

misc.

Is it ADHD or Autism??

Tests / checklists

- STUFF ON PROFESSIONAL DIAGNOSIS

- AUTISTIC PRIDE / CULTURE AND HISTORY!

misc.

Autism / disability history and culture

The Neurodiversity Movement

Person first vs. identity first language

Cureism

- AUSTITIC TRAITS (BEYOND THE ONES COMMONLY DISCUSSED!)

Misc. - samefoods, lists, needing to know what to expect, etc.

Stimming

Communication stuff - misc. - Verbal/nonverbal - Infodumping - echolalia - Prosopagnosia - Aphasia - Eye contact

Special interests / hyperfixations

Auditory Processing Disorder

Sensory issues / Sensory Processing Disorder

Meltdowns and Shutdowns and Burnout

Executive function

Emotion stuff

- MASKING / PASSING / SCRIPTING

- WHY AUTISM SPEAKS AND ABA ARE SO BAD

- MISCELLANEOUS

Suicide

Allyship / for allistics - For parents of autistic persons

More non-speaking autistic self-advocates

misc.

_________________

SOME ORGANIZATIONS AND SELF ADVOCATES

ASAN!!

The Autistic Woman and Nonbinary Network

Amethyst Schaber’s “Ask and Autistic” YouTube full of videos on various autistic stuff

Lydia X.Z. Brown / Autistic Hoya 

Dr. Nick Walker

Mrs. Kerima Çevik

“Non-Speaking Autistic Speaking” - Amy Sequnzia’s blog

“The thinking person’s guide to autism”

The How-To Wiki for autism is actually really helpful! 

Ollibean blog .

DEFINING AND DESCRIBING AUTISM

Video: “What is autism?”

“About autism”

“What being autistic means to me”

Myths about autism .

Metaphors and images for autism - “Autism is a sundae bar” - “Autism is purple” - “Understanding the spectrum” comic - Another visual on the idea of a spectrum - And another visual on the spectrum - not an on-off switch .

Disability models - Understanding disability models - Video: models of disability discourse .

Functioning Labels, “Mild” or “Severe” autism - Article on functioning labels - “What’s wrong with functioning labels? A masterpost” - Another article on problems with functioning labels - “I don’t experience my autism mildly; you experience my autism mildly” - A non-speaking autistic who is labeled non-functioning discusses labels - “Most people would consider me low-functioning, but I hate that word” - Tweets from actual autistics on functioning labels - How the same person may be labeled low or high functioning at different times - “Mental Age Theory hurts people with disabilities” .

AUTISM AND INTERSECTIONALITY

Article on autism in communities of color + in the LGBTQ community

Autism, intersectionality, and STEM college outcomes

Articles on intersectionality on The Art of Autism .

Autism among women - A reminder about talking about differences in autism in “females” - “I thought I was lazy: the invisible struggle for autistic women” - “The women who don’t know they’re autistic” - “The gas-lighting of women and girls on the autism spectrum” .

Autism and race - “Being Autistic, Black, and Femme” - “Black and Autistic: Is there room at the advocacy table?” - “Autistic, Gifted, and Black” - “I, too, am Racialized” - Autistic Hoya on being Chinese & a transracial adoptee - Video: “Growing up BLACK in a neurotypical legal system” - The Autism Wars: Mrs. Kerima Çevik’s blog .

Autism and LGBTQ - “Autism and gender variance - is there a cause for the correlation?” - “The intersection of autism and gender” - Issues being transmasc and autistic - “Gendervague: At the intersection of Autistic and trans experiences” - “I’m an autistic lesbian and no, I don’t wish I were ‘normal’” .

STUFF ON SELF DIAGNOSIS:

A self-diagnosis masterpost!

Autistic self-dx is valid

“Reasons why self-dx is good from the pov of a professional” 

Some reasons why autism may go undiagnosed 

“Five reasons I am self identified as autistic”

“Beware of gatekeeping”

A masterpost of “resources for women who believe they might be autistic”

A therapist who’s never met an incorrect self-dx-er .

Is it ADHD or Autism?? - Links to information on the intersections between autism and ADHD - A list of things that are more ADHD, things that are more autism, and things that are both - Science: decoding the overlap between ADHD and autism - The concept of neurodivergent “cousins” .

Various tests / checklists: - ASD Checklist - List of inclusive autistic traits - Book: I Think I Might Be Autistic: A Guide to Autism Spectrum Disorder Diagnosis and Self-Discovery for Adults .

STUFF ON PROFESSIONAL DIAGNOSIS:

Privilege in being able to get a diagnosis

Pros and cons of getting one

Someone answers the question “Was it worth it for you to get diagnosed as an adult?”

Professional diagnosis can get some people deported :/

This person’s journey from self-dx to pro-dx .

AUTISTIC PRIDE / CULTURE AND HISTORY!

The wiki how-to on accepting your autism

The wiki how-to on autistic strengths 

“7 Cool Aspects of Autistic Culture”

“I’m autistic and proud of it”

“You are not a burden” 

“What is self advocacy?” .

Autism / disability history and culture - Video: “Is autism a disability?” - A google drive “disability library” full of amazing content - A tumblr tag full of posts with autistic history - Book - Loud Hands: Autistic People, Speaking includes essays that explore the history of autism and of autistic self-advocacy - Book - Neurotribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity .

The Neurodiversity movement - The neurodiversity paradigm - Video: basic terms and definitions - Video: what is neurodiversity? - Liberating ourselves from the pathology paradigm .

Person first vs. identity first language (“person with autism” vs. “autistic person”) - ASAN on identity first language - Why it matters - Video: Autism ACTUALLY Speaking - Science: a study on what labels actual autistic persons prefer - An image showing the difference between person first and identity first language .

Cureism & seeking causes of autism - Video: “Autism and the disability community: the politics of neurodiversity, causation, and cure” - Video: Self advocacy in a culture of cure - An analogy against cureism - It’s okay that some autistics do want a cure - Quotes on Truth Is by Julia Bascom about not needing a cure - Cureism is eugenics - “If a cure is found, no one will force you to take it” .

AUTISTIC TRAITS (BEYOND THE ONES COMMONLY DISCUSSED!)

“Thinking about patterns of opposite extremes among autistic people” (e.g. how we tend to be sensory avoidant or sensory seeking, extremely gender conforming or extremely gender nonconforming, hyper-empathetic or hypo-empathetic)

An essay on inclusive autistic traits

This tumblr is dedicated to answering people asking about whether various things are autistic traits!

This person lists the reasons they think (know) they’re autistic; the list includes a lot of traits that often aren’t talked about 

“Some autism things” .

“What are samefoods?” - “Why do autistic people tend to samefood?”

It’s okay if you don’t like certain things / avoid certain things because of your autism

Wanting/needing to know how long something will last, what to expect .

Stimming! - Video: what is stimming? - Video on self-injurious stims - Video: autobiographical look at stimming and its role - More than a coping mechanism - A masterpost of examples of various types of stimming - Video on vocal / verbal stimming - Examples of vocal stimming as communication - A tumblr blog with a tag full of examples of body stims .

Communication stuff - Trouble with volume modulation; repetition; inconsistent talking habits - Autistic idiolects - Autistic dialect? - Autistics communicate differently amongst each other! . - Verbal/nonverbal - - Selective mutism - - Semiverbal communication - - Different amounts of access to speech - - A person on being non-verbal and using AAC - - People who are nonverbal still deserve to be listened to .

Infodumping - What is infodumping?

Echolalia - “Autism and Echolalia: what you need to know” - What is echolalia? - A tumblr blog’s tag featuring examples of echolalia

Aphasia and autism

Prosopagnosia (Face blindness) - Science: a study confirming that some 67% of autistic persons have some degree of facial recognition difficulties - Science: a study offering theories for why this is!

Video: Autistics and eye contact - Science: Researchers explore why autistic people avoid eye contact

Tendency to overexplain .

Special interests / hyperfixations - Some info on hyperfixations - Video on special interests - Emphasizing the intensity of these things - “What’s so special about a special interest?” - “Why we love what we love and why it should matter to you” - Not every autistic person knows everything there is to know about their special interest - “Interest hopping” - Dividing our life into “eras” of special interests .

Auditory Processing Disorder - Examples of APD - “You might struggle with auditory processing if…” .

Sensory Processing Disorder - Video: What is sensory processing disorder? - Video: a virtual experience of what it’s like to be at a party as someone with SPD - A post about some of the weird sensory stuff that many autistics experience (such as feeling nauseated when your real issue is a headache) - Many sensory issues aren’t just annoying, but physically painful - Difficulty in explaining autistic hypersensitivities - Auditory sensory musings - Trying to describe sensory overload - Not noticing when we’re hungry - Weird tolerance for big pain, intolerance for small pain - Science: “Unseen Agony: Dismantling Autism’s house of pain” - Tumblr blog with a tag of other posts about sensory issues .

Meltdowns and Shutdowns and burnout: - Meltdowns vs. shutdowns - Video: “What are autistic meltdowns?” - Video: “What are autistic shutdowns?” - A description of meltdowns - Signs of a shutdown in autistic people - How to support someone having a shutdown - Science: “Autistic shutdown alters brain function” - How to avoid meltdowns - “Dealing with meltdowns” - “The protective gift of meltdowns” - Video on autistic burnout - Article on burnout - Science: Autistic burnout described by a researcher - An article on autistic regression (burnout) - “Help! I seem to be getting more autistic” - talks about how things like burnout, aging, new environment, being around other autistics, and more can cause this .

Executive function - Video: “What is executive functioning?” - A chart describing the different aspects of executive function - “Executive functioning problems - a frustrating aspect of being autistic” - Autistic inertia .

Emotion stuff (including empathy) - Our emotional regulation is different - Article: (some) people with autism can read emotions, feel empathy - Video on misconceptions around autism and empathy - “Double standards: The irony of empathy and autism” - Science on the “double empathy problem” involving relationships between autistics and non-autistics - Not a bad person for not having empathy - More musings on autism and empathy - “Autistic grief is not like neurotypical grief” .

Alexithymia: - Science: Overlap between autism and alexithymia - Video: what is alexithymia? - “I don’t know how I feel”

MASKING / PASSING 

Video on passing

An infographic on autistic masking

Another video on masking / “hiding” in a neurotypical world

We are not obligated to mask or “act less autistic”

When you mask less and get told “you’ve been acting more autistic”

Getting called high-functioning because you mask/pass well

Scripting: - Video: what is scripting? 

WHY AUTISM SPEAKS AND ABA ARE SO BAD

A guide to identifying good autism organizations (and how they can improve!)

Autism Speaks:

Some facts and statistics 

An AS masterpost

Another AS masterpost

Video: What’s wrong with AS?

Video: a non-speaking autistic’s response to discussions between Autism Speaks and GRASP

“Enough with the puzzle pieces”

“I resign my roles at Autism Speaks”

“Responding to Autism Speaks” .

ABA:

Video: what’s ABA? 

“Studies find thin evidence for early autism therapies” 

Masterpost of why ABA is harmful

More on how ABA is abusive even if a kid “seems to like it”

An autistic describes ABA’s “quiet hands” method

And another post on how ABA is harmful

Trauma and autism

Alternatives to ABA

MISCELLANEOUS 

Suicide - Video: Speaking to suicidal autistics - Science linking autism and increased suicidality - Video: “diagnosis saved my life” .

Allyship / for allistics - Video: How to be an ally - Resources for supporting autistics during Autism Acceptance month and year-round! - Autistic accessibility needs - “How to be a friend to autistic people” - 15 things you never say to an autistic person - What to say / not to say to an autistic adult - Video: what shouldn’t I say to autistic people? - Video: Things not to say to an autistic person - Video: “Isn’t everyone a bit autistic?” - Don’t talk about “mental age” - “To those who tell autistic persons ‘everyone experiences that’” - Why it’s not helpful to say “well I don’t think of you as disabled / as autistic” - How to support a loved one who’s gone temporarily nonverbal - How to support someone having a shutdown - Help reduce meltdowns in a loved one - Don’t restrain an autistic person having a meltdown - Understanding why autistics seem “so picky” - Making communication easier for your autistic friend - Avoiding ableism against AAC users - How to protect your autistic employees from ‘no script found’ situations” .

For parents of autistic persons - “Don’t Mourn for Us” - “You don’t ‘lose a child to autism’” - Advice from autistic adults on treating your autistic children with respect - A masterpost of advice for “autism parents” - It’s okay if your kid doesn’t hug you or say “I love you” - “They keep publishing these violent articles” - “When you’re autistic, abuse is considered love” - You don’t have to tell everyone who comes across you and your kid in public that your kid is autistic / you don’t have to constantly apologize for your kid! - Your kid isn’t bad / uncooperative just because they have certain differences - Don’t tell autistic adults we are “nothing like your child” - A tag full of more tumblr posts about / for “autism parents”

More non-speaking autistic self-advocates - Video: “In My Language” by Mel Baggs - Mel Baggs: “Don’t ever assume autism researchers know what they’re doing” - Lysik’an: “You don’t speak for low-functioning autistics” - Film: Deej

Autistics and the idea of “getting out of your comfort zone”

Autistics accommodate allistics far more than the other way around 

It is icky when autistic persons are only valued when we’re “productive” 

Parents who are themselves autistic

Autism as genetic? - Science: “Autism Genetics, Explained”

Science: links to some studies on autism and gastro-intestinal issues, autism and caffeine, autism and sleep, autism and stimming, autism and queerness, autistic strengths, and more

[alfredolover119]

I looooove your zukka rec lists! I recently became Avatar-obsessed, never got a chance to watch it as a kid and only just got through it all! I was wondering if you'd consider doing a specifically angst rec list? I love fluffy zukka everything, but sometimes you just gotta have your heart ripped out of your chest and put back in after being thoroughly blended.

thank you! i relate heavily to “recently became Avatar-obsessed” haha. as for the angst list, i sure can try! warning: all of these have happy endings because im a crybaby who can’t read unhappy endings. also, p much all of the fics in the completed section were featured on my other lists but this is specifically the ANGSTY ones >:^)

angsty zukka wips

first, most obviously, feels like we only go backwards by @oldpotatoe

-currently at 102k with 19/27 chapters posted; rated teen

-the amnesia fic. the amnesia fic. the amnesia fic. you know. i haven’t actually read it yet because, as previously mentioned, i’m a crybaby and am waiting for it to finish up but, from my understanding, this fic will murder you in a dark alleyway with no remorse. if u like zukka angst, you’ve probably already read this, but just in case!

An injury leaves Sokka with amnesia. His last memory is of the failed invasion, of leaving his father behind in enemy territory on the Day of Black Sun. Of hopelessness. Rage. // But then he wakes up, and the war is over. Suddenly, he must come to terms with the fact that years have passed, and that he's somehow the Southern Water Tribe Ambassador to the Fire Nation. He is also supposedly friends with banished-Prince-turned-Fire-Lord Zuko, of all people. Close friends.

Yeah, nah.

and i’ll do anything you say (if you say it with your hands) by @goldrushzukka

-currently 38k with 6/8 chapters posted; rated mature

-holy shit. holy SHIT. modern au based on the “my cat likes my fuckbuddy and i am falling in love” trope(?). maybe it’s just because of how the last chapter ended, but oh my god. this one made me cry. made me want to commit violence. when it’s not angsty as hell, it’s pretty funny, but holy shit. ao3 user nebulastucky please.

It’s supposed to be a one night stand. Pick up some guy at a bar, barely remember his name and never learn anything real about him, send him packing in the morning with a thanks for the ride and a cup of coffee to-go. That’s how it’s supposed to go. // But then it’s the best sex Sokka has ever had, and he thinks he’ll hate himself if he never gets to have it again.

Violet Blossoms and Celestial Objects by @hollypunkers

-currently 15k with 2/? posted. rated teen.

-this is the sequel to blue (an angsty, zukka rewrite of book 2-- go read it if u havent!)! !! this is a book 3 rewrite. only two chapters in and mrs hollypunkers is really abusing the miscommunication tag, as zukka writers seem to enjoy doing. im excited to see how the world and story develops with the changes to the story! you should be too!! its very good! obviously spoilers for blue lmao

Having sided with the Avatar in Ba Sing Se, Zuko not only must navigate his new relationship with Sokka but returning to the Fire Nation as a banished enemy. His own journey of self discovery and personal growth must now coexist alongside the personal struggles of every other member of the Gaang as together they blaze a treacherous path toward an unsure victory against Zuko's own father and nation.

breakable heaven by @fruitysokka

-currently 71k with 9/11 chapters posted. rated teen

-swt ambassador zuko! soon to be chief sokka! fake dating ur best friend to get out of an arranged marriage! what could go wrong!!! i also haven’t read this one ((see: i’m a crybaby who is being hurt by too many zukka wips already)), but it has been hanging out in my marked for later for months. from what i understand, this fic has: angst.

With his twenty-first birthday looming just around the corner, the Southern Water Tribe Elders have decided that Sokka, next in line to be Chief, needs to get married. Sokka does not want that, but he does need to get them off his back until he can figure his way out of it. What better way to do that than to pretend to date his best friend (and newly minted Ambassador to the Southern Water Tribe) Zuko? // Seriously, this is a foolproof plan. Maybe one of Sokka's best. Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

angsty zukka fics (completed!)

(i’ll put these in wc order)

lighthouse beam by @incorrectzukka

-7k, rated g

-a modern college au!! zuko’s inner-monologue is very angsty in this fic. typical zuko. also per usual, theyre both fucking dorks. they sort themselves out in the end, but not before The Angst. zuko is semi-deaf in this fic and also he has a bit of internalized homophobia.

Sokka’s breathtakingly beautiful and he’s smart and makes other people laugh. Zuko has a half-burnt face and a deaf ear. It’s not rocket science. // Or, Zuko falls in love with the boy in his Philosophy class.

This Isn’t My Idea of Fun by @khaleeseas

-9k, explicit

-moon spirit/nwt prince!sokka, no war to be found here! admittedly this isnt THAT angsty but like. the angst IS present. zuko is still the prince. a lovely childhood friends (though they hated each other for a minute haha) to lovers story. 

If you asked Zuko, he and Azula saw far too much of Chief Hakoda of the Northern Water Tribe’s children growing up. It wasn’t until they were older, and Azula pointed out that - duh - their families were trying to set them all up, that he realized why. // He was told by his mother to be polite. These people were their friends and allies, and though their nations were as different as they came, harmony between nations was the most important thing. // It wasn’t his fault the Chief’s children were so annoying.

put your lips close to mine (as long as they don’t touch) by @celestialceci

-9k, teen

-modern au! zuko and sokka are college roommates. zuko goes to spend the summer with sokka. again,, not really that angsty but-- its there!! the detail and feeling of Home in this story make me happy. zuko is insecure as hell here too. if ur into that. 

Zuko hates his home. He likes college alright, but he likes Sokka even better, his assigned roommate turned best friend. Spending the summer with Sokka will be fun, a welcome change of pace he desperately wants. It probably won't awaken anything in him... right?

the thing about dancing by anodymalion

-9k, teen

-yes. this one right here officer. it makes my heart ache. also trans sokka! which is cool. but the zuko angst in this one. hurts me. not so much relationship angst as it is zuko learning he deserves happiness angst. i’m sure u know The Type.

The first time a attendant spills Zuko’s tea and doesn’t immediately fall to her knees, begging the Fire Lord’s forgiveness, it is not anger but a resounding warmth that fills his chest.

i could (never) give you peace by @zukkababey

-10k, mature

-OUCH. OUCH OUCH OUCH. boys please learn to communicate im begging u. also zuko.. zuko, dude. as the tags of the fic say, hes “really going through it” in this one. YOUCH. post-canon.

Zuko almost said it. He almost said the words I think I’m in love with you, but he choked them back down at the last second. // Zuko would never be able to be what Sokka wanted. They might have needed each other during the summer, when two boys with too much weight on their shoulders found comfort in each other in the only way they knew how. // But now Zuko was Fire Lord, and Sokka was leaving.

this love burns so yellow (becoming orange and in its time, exploding) by @meliebee 

-18k, teen, major character death 

-i lied. THIS is the one, officer. found family.. good mai and zuko and toph friendships.. . ozai escapes prison and tries to overthrow zuko. OBVIOUSLY angst ensues. poor boy. he Does heal in this but it gets worse before it gets better. angst angst angst angst.

Ten months after Zuko is crowned at seventeen, he faces his first coup.

Anything for You by beersforqueers

-23k, explicit

-istg. this is probably one of my favorite zukka fics. its PAINFUL. modern au where theyre broken up but sokka hasnt told his family yet so zuko goes home with him for kataang wedding. a bit smutty, but the plot oh my god ohgm y fuvk. made me cry the first time i read it. (see: crybaby!me) insert that one picture of the horse with the caption PAIN. 

In which Sokka and Zuko have broken up but Sokka hasn't told his family yet. So when Katara and Aang's wedding weekend rolls around and he doesn't want to break Gran-Gran's heart, he asks Zuko to pretend to be his boyfriend for one last weekend. // Things don't go as planned.

Moving Mountains by @thefangirlingdead

-64k, mature

-so. when i read this the first time it was in one sitting. soulmate au set within canon era / the comics, to an extent. soulmates can hear each others thoughts. i will happily say this is slowburn, jesus christ. champagne without the cham. 

Soulmates are chosen by the spirits and can hear each other’s thoughts. Sokka thinks it’s cheesy and dumb. Zuko thinks it’s poetic justice that he doesn’t have one because he doesn’t deserve it. Cruel irony is finding out that the prince of the Fire Nation (and the person currently hunting you) is your soulmate.

In the Soft Light by @voidcenturyscholar and @romancedawning

-83k, teen, graphic depictions of violence

-moon spirit!sokka living in the northern water tribe. zuko is sent to the northern water tribe as a cultural liaison. iroh is the fire lord but while he is away taking care of lu ten after his injury ozai steps up. i cannot express how many emotions this fic made me feel. background yuetara. i would almost say found family?? but. anyway. plenty of angst to spare here with a healthy dose of enemies to friends to lovers.

As the newly appointed cultural liaison to Northern Water Tribe, Zuko is the first Fire Nation Citizen to step foot inside the city's walls in nearly a century. He's determined to prove himself—to the Fire Lord and to his father—even if the Water Tribe's spirit-touched prince seems to want nothing to do with him.

That Midnight Sky by @zukkababey

-103k, teen

-now now now. tms... modern college au where sokka agrees to tutor zuko in physics because zuko has to maintain straight a’s and physics is just not doing it for him. so. thats cool but THEN azula moves in, randomly, with zuko. to hide the fact that sokka is tutoring zuko, they fake date! what could go wrong!! the mutual pining in here combined with the angst... wonderful, tasty. everyone read it rn. also SLOWBURN 

In Zuko’s strict family, needing a tutor is just about the worst thing you could do. Failing a class, however, is even worse. The only rational solution? Take up Aang on his offer to find him a physics tutor and have Sokka—beautiful, smart, handsome Sokka—tutor him in secret. // When Azula’s arrival threatens to reveal Zuko’s secret, it’s up to Sokka to convince her this definitely isn’t what it looks like. See, he’s actually… Zuko’s… boyfriend? // Hmm. There’s no way this could get complicated, right?

[sylensombrr]

Afterdeath Family Headcanons

No one asked for this, but I wanna talk about it and I don't wanna forget lol. Get ready, this is gonna be a long one. In my head canon, the Afterdeath family consists of Geno and Reaper,(obviously), who are the parents, and their kids Raven, Sorell, Silver, Goth, and Shino(as well as other fan kids like Candy, Momo, Demise etc. but they won't be mentioned. Might make a separate post about them if yall want/if I feel like it). They live in a huge gothic mansion, I don't know where it's located but if it's in an AU it would be next to a graveyard.(They give off huge Addams family vibes, so I had to take influence from that) They also share the house with two pets, a cat named Krueger and a raven named Archimedes, as well as three other people, Lotus, Rurik, and Palette, but I'll talk about those three later.

Geno(He/him) •Geno is in a group called "Triple Threat and Regret" consisting of him, Lust and Dance •They try to go out together every Tuesday, Geno's favorite location being Ccino's café •He's a bit of a hoarder but not much that it's a problem •Super fucking emo •Has a bit of a habit of adopting children he finds, ex. Lotus •Krueger is his cat. He found her in the graveyard. She was too old to live out in the wild, so he kept her •Horror movie fanatic, one of his favorites being A Nightmare on Elm Street •Coffee addict/Likes black coffee Reaper(He/they/it) •Best friends with Bill Sans •He's in a nameless friend group consisting of him, Bill and SD!Dream(Idea by @/_.dxnce.sxns.stan• on Instagram) •Huge heavy metal fan •Archimedes is his raven, which he treats like a familiar •Likes giving advice to his kids •Most of his kids vent to him rather than Geno •Surprisingly good cook •Wants to be or was in a band with Geno, Bill and 404 depending on the timeline/AU •He can play the guitar and scream Raven(He/him) •Loves to go to Comic-Con every time it comes around •Introduced Blueprint to rock •He and Blueprint and sometimes his cousin Gradient go to concerts together •He enjoys getting high with Blueprint and just vibing •Blueprint is a year older than him

Silver(He/it/xe) •May or may not be adopted(idk I read it somewhere, but now I can't find it) •Loves to play with Shino •His favorite siblings are Shino and Sorell •Trans male •He is a bit annoyed by Rogue but doesn't mind when ze stays there as long as ze doesn't talk to him •Has a tiktok and likes to make cosplay videos, mainly anime •Would cut you if you told anyone

Sorell(He/they) (If anyone has or knows where I can his canon info, please tell me I can't find it anywhere) •Afab nonbinary •Big anime and manga fan •Raven and them like to trade manga •He likes to hang out with Tatyana sometimes(They garden and take care of her animals together) •Asexual •Grayromatic Goth(He/they/she) •He knows about Palette and Cray's rivalry, but chooses to ignore it •He was originally pretty cautious around Lotus and Rurik but warmed up to them •Prefers to hang out with Lotus over Rurik •Cray is like a brother to him •Thinks Rogue is pretty weird but still likes zir •He tried to keep Rogue and Rurik from meeting out of fear of them fighting •Wants to wear heels so he can taller, but Geno doesn't let him(he's too young) Shino(She/her) •Loves to play with Sorell, Silver, and Rurik •She keeps trying to get Rogue to play with her and is mad that ze never does (I don't have much to say about her lol)

Miscellaneous Geno and Reaper(mainly Geno) doesn't let any of their kids ages 13 and under be in the house by themselves, so they have either Rogue, Bill, Dance, or Lust watch over them. As of recent, Geno and Reaper also like to have family get togethers with Ink ,Error and their kids(Paperjam and Gradient) as well as Fresh. It usually ends up with Error and Geno fighting/debating over something stupid with Fresh, Ink, and Reaper watching them while the kids play Mario Kart or Smash in another room.

Next onto Palette, Rurik and Lotus which is where I kinda diverted from canon mainly with Rurik and Lotus to the point it could be considered an alternate version of them. Palette(He/they) Because of being busy with battling against Nightmare and his gang, Ink and Dream couldn't and weren't prepared to take care of a child. So reluctantly Dream asked Geno and Reaper to take care of Palette until they could, who was a newborn at the time, which they gladly did agreed to. After that, Palette only saw his Dream twice again and never saw his Ink. They downright abandoned him. •Palette idolizes both Ink and Dream, seeing them more as these fictional action heroes rather than actual people •He refuses to accept that they abandoned him •He wants to go help them fight and reform Uncle Nightmare when he grows up •He didn't even know Ink's name until he met Blueprint's Ink •He has low self-esteem due to him believing he'll never live up to the fictional and unrealistic idea of his parents that he has •He can't use his magic properly due to never being taught by Ink or Dream, can only summon his roller but can't use it •Rurik will give him lessons on his magic later on •He loves and wants to be friends with everyone •Except for Cray •He thinks Cray is annoying but enjoys their rivalry •He's secretly jealous of Blueprint for having contact with his Ink Rurik(He/him)& Lotus(He/they) Rurik and Lotus somehow ended in the Underverse, and now they can't get back to the Fellverse. I have an idea why, but I'm not done with that yet. They didn't have any place to live, so Goth and Palette brought them to Geno and Reaper. Since they were most likely never gonna get back to the Fellverse, Geno offered to adopt them and let them live in their house. Lotus accepted while Rurik declined now but still decided to stay there. •Lotus did not want to go back to the Fellverse while Rurik did •They are the same ages as Palette and Goth(this may change) •They have never dated in this AU, but might in the future •Rurik idolizes his parents similar to Palette and doesn't realize that they are abusive •Lotus has never met Rurik's parents, so he doesn't know what he's going through •Lotus and Rurik have the same powers as Goth and Palette(this may also change) •Rurik refuses to use his roller since doesn't want to be seen as weak with his "girly" weapon •He uses knifes and daggers instead •Lotus hates his parents •Rurik really likes Rogue and later begins to idolize zir •Rogue sees zirself in Rurik and later acts like a parental figure towards him •Rurik likes to play with Shino •Rurik originally started to hang out with Cray just to piss Palette off, but then he actually began to enjoy his company

Okay, that's all my headcanons I have for now. Yall can steal these if you want, but a credit would be nice. Might illustrate or talk about these more in another post if I feel like it.

[smallblueandloud]

some x-men fic recs

the weekly surge of fandom-related hyperactivity hit a few days late, but i’ve been reading a LOT of fic today and i actually found some xmen authors on ao3! in the wild! with really good takes! i’m so excited about it and i’m gonna post about it even though i’m not sure any of y’all care about xmen because i don’t want to lose them lmao.

GrayJay - really good scott summers takes. excellent scott summers takes. like, oh my god. also some AWESOME rachel summers fics (and scott & rachel fics and rachel/kitty fics). some notables:

SPECTACULAR masterpiece of an epistolary work set between scott finding alex and alex manifesting (scott&alex, scott/jean, charles&scott, i want to write a fic based on this where alex finds out about the xmen by seeing scott in action but that’s a Whole Other Story)

scott and alex and illyana open a pizza parlor (scott&alex, scott&illyana, VERY cool take on illyana as well as the brothers, of course)

rachel and scott-who-isn’t-her-father spend christmas together (scott&rachel, scott/jean, i LOVE this summers family content and i’m obsessed with thinking about the traditions scott and rachel build)

some books in rachel’s library (scott&rachel, rachel/kitty, absolutely fucking obsessed with the fact that rachel inherits scott’s found family)

scott is trans and not much changes (scott/jean, moira&scott, hank&scott, everyone&scott, i am so here for trans scott and i’m so glad it seems to be a popular trope because i’m OBSESSED with it, it’s so good, for a guy obsessed with control and image and-- i’m rambling)

scott and matt murdock have a tradition of pool (scott&matt, scott&logan, besides being a really good take on scott and matt as people it is also possibly the BEST scott and logan dynamic i have EVER SEEN and i’m still reeling from it)

scott and madelyne, in the beginning (scott/madelyne, scott/jean, A GOOD MADELYNE TAKE?? IN MY AO3 HISTORY??? IT’S MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK!)

scott and kitty at the very beginning of whedon’s astonishing (scott&kitty, scott/jean, scott/emma, kitty/piotr, kitty&emma [more or less], i’m a fan of everything but most notably the focus on the fact that scott knows how to deal with telepaths and the acknowledgement that kitty and scott don’t actually? know each other that well?? i love it. a good take. an excellent take.)

emma reads scott’s mind (scott/emma, scott/jean, IMAGINE HAVING SUCH A GOOD TAKE ON TELEPATHY. I’M OBSESSED WITH IT. I’M OBSESSED WITH THIS TAKE ON S/E, IMAGINE HAVING A GOOD DYNAMIC FOR THEM?? STILL SHOOK)

(i don’t know if they’re on tumblr but if they are can someone point me in their direction? i want to follow someone who has such excellent ideas and characterizations)

Dain (tumblr at @ndscottsummers) - MADELYNE PRYOR RIGHTS?? GAY RIGHTS?? AUTISTIC SCOTT RIGHTS?? IT’S ALL HERE, FOLKS! some notables:

jean comes back in x-factor #1 and nathaniel essex happens (scott&jean, scott&madelyne, the idea that jean masks her autism by using telepathy lives RENT FREE in my head. this is also the ideal scott-doesn’t-trust-it’s-jean situation right here and i am LOVING IT)

scott comes back to life in house of x #5 (scott/ororo, THIS SHIP is godtier and i don’t know why there isn’t more content for it. only reason i can think of is that this fic can’t be topped. just like... “She asks him how she knows who he is and he answers with the first truth he thinks of: that she is one of the forces that has shaped him, that he may be reborn but the marks she has left on him will never fade.” ARGH)

kitty thinking about how rachel knew her in the future (pre relationship rachel/kitty and i’m OBSESSED with it folks, imagine having SUCH a good grasp of this ship and their complicated time schenanigans)

scott is trans and his team supports him (everyone&scott, i am IN LOVE with everyone accompanying him to the store, do you hear me? in LOVE!!! it’s so good!! it’s such a good fic!! those original five being kiddos and taking care of each other and refusing to leave anyone behind!!!!!)

they also have some AMAZING star wars fics, including two twin fics (luke braids leia’s hair, luke and leia take a break from hanleia’s wedding) that are literally everything i have ever wanted. like if you’ve been around here for more than ten minutes you know that is not an exaggeration. also!! aro luke rights!! my FAVORITE headcanon about luke’s identity and these fics are so GOOD!!!

Duck_Life - i have never felt more vindicated in being extremely multifandom. i’m still working my way through their VAST archive but like. oh my god. i’m in love. some notables:

series of xmen ficlets (this is cheating, especially since i’m gonna bring some of these up later, but READ THIS. these fics are all fantastic and once you get to, like, part 26? or so? you’re following along with the dawn of x relaunch, which is EVERYTHING i have EVER WANTED, y’all have no idea how much i’ve craved fic about the newest comics. amazing stuff. the best new mutants content ever.)

trans smolverine bonding with kitty and rachel (laura&kitty, laura&rachel, i am obsessed with the idea of trans smolverine - thanks star - and i’m EXTRA OBSESSED with kitty and rachel trying to bond with her and make friends with her and teach her how to be a human being. it’s really good)

jean and scott and logan, without doors between their bedrooms (jean/scott/logan, LOOK. okay. i was gonna go in order, i was gonna do these fics in the order they were written, but i literally sent this fic to everyone that knew what xmen was because i’m SO EXCITED about it. the scott characterization!! the fact of them getting together!! the ideal dynamics!! THE FUCKING SCOTT CHARACTERIZATION!! this fic broke me i am ruined and i regret nothing. thank you op for my life)

i was gonna rec more fics from them but it’s getting late and i should probably finish working my way through the rest of their fic before i rec more but! go read it!! (they also have some EXCELLENT star trek fic. i got sidetracked. this is why i’m not done with the xmen stuff lmao.) i’ll get back to this, hopefully, although knowing me i probably won’t. anyway, go forth and enjoy!

[aro-comics]

Fashion Analysis (Part 2: Outside of Amatonormativity Alone)

[Note: This post is a part of a series analyzing self-expression, fashion, aromanticism, and how they interact with other parts of identity. For full context please read the whole thing!]

Outside of Amatonormativity Alone: Sexism, Homophobia (and/or Transphobia), Racism, Ableism, and Other Factors That can Impact Self Expression 

My comic was originally meant to be a light hearted joke. I’d always been told I’d want to dress up one day, be pretty and feminine once I fell in love with a boy (BLEGH). I was so certain that I would never do that, and now … here we are. I put lots of effort into my appearance, present feminine, all in the hopes I’ll impress a very special someone - a potential employer at a networking event. I think there’s a certain irony to all of this, and I do find it funny that I managed to both be wrong and completely subvert amatonormative stereotypes! 

But having the chance to think about the whole situation, I realize now that my changes in presentation reflect far more. The pressure I felt to dress differently are still influenced by fundamental forms of discrimination in society, and I would be remiss to not address these inherent factors that were tied with my experiences alongside my aromanticism. So in this section, I will briefly cover some of these factors and summarize how they can influence people’s self expression as a whole, before discussing my own experiences and how these factors all intersect. 

Sexism

The pressure on women In This Society to uphold arbitrary norms is ever present and often harmful, and while I wish I had the time to discuss the impacts of every influence the patriarchy has on personal expression, to even try to cover a fraction of it would be impractical at best for this essay. Instead, since the original comic focuses on professionalism and presentation, this is what I will talk about here. 

Beauty standards are a specific manifestation of sexism that have a deep impact on how people perceive women. It’s a complicated subject that’s also tied with factors like capitalism, white supremacy, classism, and more, but to summarize the main sentiment: Women are expected to be beautiful. Or at least, conform to the expectations of “feminine” “beauty” as ascribed by the culture at large. 

They also tend to be considered exclusively as this idea that "women need to be beautiful to secure their romantic prospects, which subsequently determines their worth as human beings. The problematic implications of this sentiment have been called out time and time again (and rightfully so), however there is an often overlooked second problematic element to beauty standards, as stated in the quote below: 

“Beauty standards are the individual qualifications women are expected to meet in order to embody the “feminine beauty ideal” and thus, succeed personally and professionally” 

- Jessica DeFino. (Source 1) 

… To succeed personally, and professionally. 

The “Ugly Duckling Transformation” by Mina Le (Source 2) is a great video essay that covers the topic of conforming to beauty standards through the common “glow up” trope present in many (female focused) films from the early 2000s. 

“In most of these movies, the [main character] is a nice person, but is bullied or ignored because of her looks.”

Mina Le, (timestamp 4:02-4:06)

Generally, by whatever plot device necessary, the ugly duckling will adopt a new “improved” presentation that includes makeup, a new haircut, and a new wardrobe. While it is not inherently problematic for a woman to be shown changing to embrace more feminine traits, there are a few problems with how the outcomes of these transformations are always depicted and what they imply. For starters, this transformation is shown to be the key that grants the protagonist her wishes and gives her confidence and better treatment by her peers. What this is essentially saying is that women are also expected to follow beauty standards to be treated well in general, not only in a romantic context, and deviation from these norms leads to the consequences of being ostracized. 

The other problematic element of how these transformations are portrayed are the fact that generally the ONLY kind of change that is depicted in popular media is one in the more feminine direction. Shanspeare, another video essayist on YouTube, investigates this phenomenon in more detail in “the tomboy figure, gender expression, and the media that portrays them” (Source 4). In this video, Shaniya explains that “tomboy” characters are only ever portrayed as children - which doesn’t make any sense at face value, considering that there ARE plenty of masculine adult women in real life. But through the course of the video (and I would highly recommend giving it a watch! It is very good), it becomes evident that the “maturity” aspect of coming of age movies inherently tie the idea of growth with “learning” to become more feminine. Because of the prevalence of these storylines (as few mainstream plots will celebrate a woman becoming more masculine and embracing gender nonconformity) it becomes clear that femininity is fundamentally associated with maturity. It also implies that masculinity in women is not only not preferred, it is unacceptable to be considered mature. Both of these sentiments are ones that should be questioned, too. 

Overall, I think it is clear that these physical presentation expectations, even if not as restrictive as historical dress codes for women have been, are still inherently sexist (not to mention harmful by also influencing people to have poor self image and subsequent mental health disorders). Nobody should have to dress in conformity with gender norms to be considered “acceptable”, not only desirable, which leads us to the second part of this section. 

Homophobia (and/or Transphobia)

So what happens when women don’t adhere to social expectations of femininity? (Or in general, someone chooses to present in a way that challenges the gender binary and their AGAB, but for the sake of simplicity I will discuss it from my particular lens as a cis woman who is pansexual). 

There are a lot of nuances, of course, to whether it’s right that straying from femininity as a woman (or someone assumed to be a woman) will automatically get read a certain way by society. But like it or not, right or not, if you look butch many people WILL see you as either gay, (or trans-masculine, which either way is not a cishet woman). This is tied to the fact that masculinity is something historically associated with being WLW (something we will discuss later). 

This association of breaking gender norms in methods of dress with being perceived as a member of the LGBTQ+ community has an influence on how people may choose to express themselves, because LGBTQ+ discrimination is very real, and it can be very dangerous in many parts of the world. 

I think it’s very easy to write off claims in particular that women are pressured into dressing femininely when it is safer to do so in your area; but I really want to remind everyone that not everyone has the luxury of presenting in a gender non-conforming way. This pressure to conform does exist in many parts of the world, and can be lethal when challenged.

And even if you’re not in an extremely anti-LGBTQ+ environment/places that are considered “progressive” (like Canada), there are still numerous microagressions/non-lethal forms of discrimination that are just as widespread. According to Statistics Canada in 2019: 

Close to half (47%) of students at Canadian postsecondary institutions witnessed or experienced discrimination on the basis of gender, gender identity or sexual orientation (including actual or perceived gender, gender identity or sexual orientation).

(Source 3)

Fundamentally this additional pressure that exists when one chooses to deviate from gender norms is one that can not be ignored in the conversation when it comes to how people may choose to express themselves visually, and I believe the impacts that this factor has and how it interacts with the other factors discussed should be considered. 

Neurodivergence (In general): 

In general, beauty standards/expectations for how a “mature” adult should dress can often include clothing that creates sensory issues for many autistic people. A thread on the National Austistic Forum (Source 6) contains a discussion where different austistic people describe their struggles with formal dress codes and the discomfort of being forced to wear stiff/restrictive clothing, especially when these dress codes have no practical purpose for the work they perform. If you’re interested in learning more on this subject, the Autisticats also has a thread on how school dress codes specifically can be harmful to Autistic people (Source 7). 

In addition to potentially dressing differently (which as we have already covered can be a point of contention in one’s perception and reception by society as a whole), neurodivergence is another layer of identity that tends to be infantilized. Eden from the Autsticats has detailed their experiences with this in source 5. 

Both of these factors can provide a degree of influence on how people choose to express themselves and/or how they may be perceived by society, and are important facets of a diverse and thoughtful exploration of the ways self-expression can be impacted by identity. 

Also, while on this topic, I just want to take a chance to highlight the fact that we should question what is considered “appropriate”, especially “professionally appropriate”, because the “traditional” definitions of these have historically been used to discriminate against minorities. Much of what gets defined as “unprofessional” or otherwise “inappropriate” has racist implications - as an example, there is a history of black hairstyles being subjected to discriminatory regulation. Other sources I have provided at the end of this document (8 and 9) list examples of these instances.  

Racism (being Chinese, specifically in this case): 

For this section, I won’t be going into much depth at all, because I actually have a more detailed comic on this subject lined up. 

So basically, if you were not aware, East Asian (EA) people tend to be infantilized and viewed as more childish (Source 10). In particular, unless an EA woman is super outgoing and promiscuous (the “Asian Bad Girl” stereotype, see Source 10), IN MY OPINION AND EXPERIENCE it’s easy to be type casted as the other end of the spectrum: the quiet, boring nerd. On top of this too, I’ve had experiences with talking to other EA/SEA people - where they themselves would repeatedly tell me that “Asians are just less mature”,  something about it being a “cultural thing” (Yeah … I don’t know either. Maybe it’s internalized racism?). 

Either way, being so easily perceived as immature (considering everything discussed so far) is also tied to conformity to beauty standards and other factors such as sexism and homophobia, which I believe makes for a complex intersection of identity. 

[Note from Author: For Part 3, click here!]

[bogkeep]

hmmmmmmmmmm maybe i’ll write an Introspective Musing Post about my relationship to religion and their depiction in stories because i’ve pondering about this topic lately

so for those who are reading this and DON’T know what’s been going on...  there’s this webcomic i fell in love with some years ago, about six years actually, that depicts a post-apocalyptic fantasy/horror adventure set in the nordic countries. it had, and has still, some very uncomfortable flaws regarding racial representation, and the creator has historically not dealt very well with criticism towards it. it’s a whole Thing. my relationship with this comic has fluctuated a lot, since there are a lot of elements in it i DO love and i still feel very nostalgic about, and like idk i felt like i trust my skills in critical thinking enough to keep reading. aaand then the creator went a teensy bit off the deep end created a whole minicomic which is like... a lukewarm social media dystopia where christians are oppressed (and also everyone is a cute bunny, including our lord and saviour jesus christ). which is already tonedeaf enough considering there are religious people who DO get prosecuted for their faith, like, that’s an actual reality for a lot of people - but as far as i can tell, usually not christians. and then there’s an afterword that’s like, “anyway i got recently converted and realized i’m a disgusting human being full of sin who doesn’t deserve redemption but jesus loves me so i’ll be fine!! remember to repent for your sins xoxo” and a bunch of other stuff and IT’S KIND OF REALLY CONCERNING i have, uh, been habitually looking at the reactions to and discussions around this, maybe it’s not very self care of me but there’s a lot of overwhelming things rn and it’s fantastically distracting, yknow? like, overall this situation is fairly reminiscent of the whole jkr thing. creator of a series that is Fairly Beloved, does something hurtful, handles backlash in a weird way, a lot of people start taking distance from Beloved Series or find ways to enjoy it on their own terms, creator later reveals to have been fully radicalized and releases a whole manifesto, and any and all criticism gets framed as harassment and proving them right. of course, one of them is a super rich person with a LOT of media power and a topic that is a lot more destructive in our current zeitgeist, and the other is an independent webcomic creator, so it’s  not the same situation. just similar vibez ya feel as a result of this, i have been Thinking. and just this feels like some sort of defeat like god dammit she got me i AM thinking about the topic she wrote about!!! i should dismiss the whole thing!!! but thinking about topics is probably a good thing so hey lets go. me, i’m agnostic. i understand that this is a ‘lazy’ position to take, but it’s what works for me. i simply do not vibe with organized religion, personally. (i had the wikipedia page for ‘chaos magic’ open in a tab for several weeks, if that helps.) i was raised by atheists in a majorly atheist culture. christian atheist, i should specify. norway has been mostly and historically lutheran, and religion has usually been a private and personal thing. it turns out the teacher i had in 7th grade was mormon, but i ONLY found out because he showed up in a tv series discussing religious groups in norway later, and he was honestly one of the best teachers i have ever had - he reignited the whole class’ interest in science, math, and dungeons and dragons. it was a real “wait WHAT” moment for my teenage self. i think i was briefly converted to christianity by my friend when i was like 7, who grew up in a christian family (i visited them a couple times and always forgot they do prayers before dinner. oops!), but like, she ALSO made me believe she was the guardian of a secret magic orb that controls the entire world and if i told anybody the world would burn down in 3 seconds. i only suspected something was off when one day the Orb ran on batteries, and another day the Orb had to be plugged in to charge. in my defense i really wanted to be part of a cool fantasy plot. i had no idea how to be a christian beyond “uuuuh believe in god i guess” so it just faded away on its own. when i met this friend several years later, she was no longer christian. i think every childhood friend of mine who grew up in a christian family, was no longer christian when they grew up. most notably my closest internet friend whose family was catholic - she had several siblings, and each of them took a wildly different path, from hippie treehugger to laveyan satanist or something in that area. (i joined them for a sermon in a church when they visited my town. my phone went off during it because i had forgotten to silence it. oops!) ((i also really liked their mother’s interpretation of purgatory. she explained it as a bath, not fire. i like that.)) i have never had any personal negative experiences with christianity, despite being openly queer/gay/trans. the only time someone has directly told me i’m going to hell was some guy who saw me wearing a hoodie on norway’s constitution day. yeah i still remember that you bastard i’ve sworn to be spiteful about it till the day i die!! i’ve actually had much more insufferable interactions with the obnoxious kind of atheists - like yes yes i agree with you on a lot but that doesn’t diminish your ability to be an absolute hypocrite, it turns out? i remember going to see the movie ‘noah’ with a friend who had recently discovered reddit atheism and it was just really exhausting to discuss it with her. one of these Obnoxious Atheists is my Own Mother. which is a little strange, honestly, because she LOVES visiting churches for the Aesthetic and Architecture. we cannot go anywhere without having to stop by a pretty church to Admire and Explore. I’VE BEEN IN SO MANY CHURCHES FOR AN ATHEIST RAISED NON-CHRISTIAN. i’ve been to the vatican TWICE (i genuinely don’t even know how much of my extended family is christian. up north in the tiny village i come from, i believe my uncle is the churchkeeper, and it’s the only building in the area that did not get burnt down by the the nazis during ww2 - mostly because soldiers needed a place to sleep. still don’t know whether or not said uncle believes or not, because hey, it’s Personal) i think my biggest personal relationship to religion, and christianity specifically, has been academic. yeah, we learned a brief synopsis of world religions at school (and i remember the class used to be called ‘christianity, religion, and ethics’ and got changed to ‘religion, beliefs, and ethics’ which is cool. it was probably a big discourse but i was a teen who didnt care), but also my bachelor degree is in art history, specifically western art history because it’s a vast sprawling topic and they had to distill it as best they could SIGHS. western art history is deeply entangled with the history of the church, and i think the most i’ve ever learnt about christianity is through these classes (one of my professors wrote an article about how jesus can be interpreted as queer which i Deeply Appreciate). i also specifically tried to diversify my academic input by picking classes such as ‘depiction of muslims and jewish people in western medieval art’ and ‘art and religion’ when i was an exchange student in canada, along with 101 classes in anthropology and archaeology. because i think human diversity and culture is very cool and i want to absorb that knowledge as best as i can. i think my exchange semester in canada was the most religiously diverse space have ever been in, to be honest. now as an adult i have more christian friends again, but friends who chose it for themselves, and who practice in ways that sound good and healthy, like a place of solace and community for them. the vast majority of my friends are queer too, yknow?? i’ve known too many people who have seen these identities as fated opposites, but they aren’t, they’re just parts of who people are. it’s like... i genuinely love people having their faiths and beliefs so much. i love people finding that space where they belong and feel safe in. i love people having communities and heritages and connections. i deeply respect and admire opening up that space for faith within any other communities, like... if i’m going to listen to a podcast about scepticism and cults, i am not going to listen to it if it’s just an excuse to bash religion. i think the search for truth needs to be compassionate, always. you can acknowledge that crystals are cool and make people happy AND that multi level marketing schemes are deeply harmful and prey on people in vulnerable situaitons. YOU KNOW???? so now’s when i bring up Apocalypse Comic again. one of the things i really did like about it was, ironically, how it handled religion. in its setting, people have returned to old gods, and their magic drew power from their religion. characters from different regions had different beliefs and sources. in the first arc, they meet the spirit of a lutheran pastor, who ends up helping them with her powers. it was treated as, in the creators own words, ‘just another mythology’. and honestly? i love that. it was one of the nicest depictions i’ve seen of christianity in fiction, and as something that could coexist with other faiths. I Vibe With That. and then, uh, then... bunny dystopia comic. it just... it just straight up tells you christianity is literally the only way to..?? be a good person??? i guess?? i’m still kind of struggling to parse what exactly it wanted to say. the evil social media overlord bird tells you the bible makes you a DANGEROUS FREETHINKER, but the comic also treats rewriting the bible or finding your own way to faith as something,, Bad. The Bible Must Remain Unsullied. Never Criticize The Bible. also, doing good things just for social media clout is bad and selfish. you should do good things so you don’t burn in hell instead. is that the message? it reads a lot like the comic creator already had the idea for the comic, but only got the urge to make it after she was converted and needed to spread the good word. you do you i guess!! i understand that she’s new to this and probably Going Through Something, and this is just a step on her journey. but the absolute self-loathing she described in her afterword... it does not sound good. i’m just some agnostic kid so what do i know, but i do not think that kind of self-flagellating is a kind faith to have for yourself. i might not ever have been properly religious, but you know what i AM familiar with? a brain wired for ocd and intrusive thoughts. for a lot of my life i’ve struggled with my own kind of purity complex. i’ve had this really strange sensitivity for things that felt ‘tainted’. i’ve experienced having to remove more and more words from my vocabulary because they were Bad and i did not want to sully my sentences. it stacked, too - if a word turned out to be an euphemism for something, i could never feel comfortable saying it again. i still struggle a bit with these things, but i have confronted these things within myself. i’ve had to make myself comfortable with imperfection and ‘tainted’ things and accept that these are just, arbitrary categories my mind made up. maybe that’s the reason i can’t do organized religion even if i found one that fit for me - just like diets can trigger disordered eating, i think it would carve some bad brainpaths for me. so yeah i’m worried i guess! i’m worried when people think it’s so good that she finally found the correct faith even if it’s causing all this self-hate. is there really not a better way? or are they just trusting she’ll find it? and yeah it’s none of my concern, it’s like, i worry for jkr too but i do not want her within miles of my trans self thANKS. so like, i DO enjoy media that explores faith and what it means for you. my favourite band is the oh hellos, which DOES draw on faith and the songwriter’s experience with it. because of my religious iliteracy most of it has flown over my head for years and i’m like “oh hey this is gay” and then only later realize it was about god all along Probably. i like what they’ve done with the place. also, stormlight archive - i had NO idea sanderson was mormon, the way he writes his characters, many of whom actively discuss religion and their relationship to it. i love that about the books, honestly. Media That Explores Religion In A Complex And Compassionate Way... we like that i’ve been thinking about my own stories too, and how i might want to explore faith in them. most of my settings are based on magic and it’s like, what role does religion have in a world where gods are real and makes u magic. in sparrow spellcaster’s story, xe creates? summons? an old god - brings them to life out of the idea of them. it’s a story about hubris, mostly. then there’s iphimery, the story where i am actively fleshing out a pantheon. there’s no doubt the gods are real in the fantasy version of iphimery, they are the source of magic and sustain themselves on slivers of humanity in exchange. but in the modern version, where they are mostly forgotten? that’s some room for me to explore, i think. especially the character of timian, who comes from a smaller town and moves to a large and diverse city. in the fantasy story, the guardian deity chooses his sister as a vessel. in the modern setting, that does not happen, and i don’t yet know what does, but i really want timian to be someone who struggles with his identity - his faith, his sexuality, the expectations cast upon him by his hometown... i’m sure it’s a cliché story retold through a million gay characters but i want to do it too okay. i want to see him carve out his own way of existing within the world because i care him and want to see him thrive!!! alrighty i THINK that’s all i wanted to write. thanks if you read all of this, and if you didn’t that’s super cool have a nice day !

[1000-directions]

a fanfic writer interview

tagged by @nightwideopen 💚💚

Name: steph

Fandoms: these days it’s all marvel all the time, particularly mcu with the occasional influence from comics or whatever else i feel like incorporating

Two-shot: hmm yeah i guess i have a few of these! save your first and last chance for me / of angels and angles are both in the same universe featuring codependent bucky and clint just doing their best to unfuck themselves. tied up to this feeling / if he said i was pretty (i'd think that i was) with bucky who sometimes likes to wear soft, pretty things. birthday boy / baby i’m your man is technically a two-shot at the moment, with clint and trans bucky navigating the early stages of their relationship together, though i am hoping for more of this universe eventually. oh apparently london boy / the amazing hawkguy are also in the same universe, with bucky and trans clint having just like...a lot of very acrobatic sex. omg AND how could i forget with a little help from my friends / can’t tell you but i know it’s mine with natasha joining established bucky/clint for some friendly sexy shenanigans. okay okay okay and filthy as charged / sex jail both have the clint who has to keep changing his safeword but that’s IT i swear.

Most popular multichapter: i’ve never written a multichapter fic and i never will goodbye

Actual worst part of writing: yeah all of it, these days. it took me a long time to find a writing routine that worked for me, and not being able to spend sunday mornings writing in a coffee shop has made it very challenging for me to get any words done (i mean that plus all the existential dread and whatever). i really think i need to physically get out of my apartment and find that distance again, but it’s not possible yet.

How you choose your titles: whatever song lyrics are in my head, or occasionally i will keep a very stupid working title if it think it’s funny enough (sex jail, fine i’ll write a flowershop au, the one where clint fell into a pond)

Do you outline: i don’t make like any kind of formal detailed outline but i will jot down ideas at the bottom of my doc so i don’t forget them, just like lines of dialogue or ideas i don’t want to forget. if i’m writing something longer and i’m starting to get close to the end, i might make a very brief roadmap of the points i still want to hit, just to make sure i don’t forget anything. i don’t typically write anything long enough to need an outline. i do frequently text myself ideas in the middle of the night when i can’t sleep.

Ideas I probably won’t get around to, but wouldn’t it be nice?: i don’t know, it hurts my heart too much to accept that these fics won’t get written. let’s keep hope alive.

Callouts @ me: hey whenever you find your groove again, write more weird stuff. write the weird stuff that only you care about that no one else is gonna write.

Best writing traits: uhhhhhh... e...motions? safety? i am never going to have like the best characterizations or the most intricately crafted plot, but hopefully we all had a good safe time and we left feeling like...cared for. oh and also like...making things feel sexy to read about regardless of whether they would actually be sexy to experience. and not as much recently, but sometimes making people care about pairings or tropes that they didn’t know they were going to care about.

Spicy tangential opinion: almost all writing advice is terrible and almost every post going around with 20k notes with tips for writing is actually just trash and should be ignored. also like maybe don’t complain about not getting enough comments if you don’t leave comments for other people.

No pressure tagging: @captn-sara-holmes @kangofu-cb @mollynoble @heartonfirewrites @ticklefighthockey @coffeeinallcaps @violsva @anactorya and anyone who happens to see this and wants to fill it out!

[slashingdisneypasta]

Classic Heavy x OnPeriod!Reader || Oneshot

Title: Period Horniness Mixed With Boredom and a Busy Boyfriend? 

Notes: 

Please let me know if I haven't used AFAB correctly! I just didn't want to back y’all into too small a corner. So, this is meant to be ‘Reader who gets periods’. Could be a cis female, transitioning trans female, gender-neutral or agender person with a vagina, etc. Just, provided you have a vagina. 

I know he isn't on the list but I wanted to try someone new! I don't play TF2 but I’ve read what there is of the comics! I loved them! ^^

Plot: So...

You decided that it was a good idea to sext Chevy. 

Warnings: SMUT (Penis in Vagina). Period sex (He licks it once but that’s it in the way of blood to mouth), dirty talk, Daddy kink, dirty names, etc. *Cough* Creampie also. Lets hope videogame characters cant procreate or contract STD’s. I meant for it to be nasty smut, but due to my lack of experience and fluff brain I dunno if it actually is 😅 So beware. 

~~~

As you are bored out of your mind and reading smuts (Dean Winchester. Beetlejuice. Herman Carter. Oh boy), causing your libido to get even more aggressive in your current hormonal state, you shrink down further into the couch cushions and groan from pain. 

Not from cramps; You don’t get them as bad as others anymore, thank god (And besides, you have a hot water bottle underwear your shirt and the top of your sweats), but from the fact that your very huge, very hot and very lusty boyfriend is stuck in a meeting elsewhere!! Pouting, you drop your phone onto your chest and drop your head to the side, staring at the ceiling. 

You sigh. 

Ross, on the other couch across from you, rolls his head to the side and puts down his magazine to raise his bushy brows at you. “What is yer problem??” 

“Hm,” You sigh again. “Nothing... “ 

As Ross looks back at his Lifestyle you get an idea, a cheeky smile slowly skidding across your lips as you peak down at your phone on your chest. Ooooh... Snatching up the phone, you open up Chevy’s message tab and start tapping out a text. “Heheh... “ 

You: Hey Chev. If you could do anything to me and I h a d to say yes, what would you do? 

Then quickly you turn off the phone and set it back in its place screen down on your chest. You wonder, what would he say if he responded? What would you really agree to? 

... actually lets not wonder that. We may scare ourselves. Lets just say; Much. 

A few minutes later your phone buzzes and you take a moment, calming your nerves and your excitement before you pick it up and open the messages again. 

Chevy: Ohhh, I wouldn’t go there sweet bottom. Very, very busy right now.  

Chewing on your thumb nail, you grin broadly at the screen and wonder even more what he’s thinking. 

You: What should I do while I wait for you then? If you’re so busy I’ll be so wet when you get here... 

You: Already am pretty soaked actually. I tried to handle it myself. . . 

Okay, this is the great thing about Chevy, realise. You can say whatever you like, sex-wise, and you wont ever be embarrassed. Because you know he’s always up to fuck, and he’s usually thinking about it first. 

Chevy: Oh, are you just teasing me or are you gonna send proof? This is a dangerous game your playing princess/prince. 

Oh dear. You cant send proof! How can you deflect this? “Ahh... “ Thinking as you look around the room, muttering in a panic ‘Um. Um. Um. Um-’, “OH!” You hop up from the couch and duck behind it, pull the front of your shirt forward and quickly snap a picture of your chest, before fixing your clothes and jumping back onto the couch, laying on your back again. Cheeks rosy from the adrenaline. Ross looks confused at you, nose scrunched up and beard askew, but you just waive him off and send the picture. You don’t type anything this time. 

“Squirrely... “ Ross mutters in annoyance, shaking his head back at his reading material. 

Your phone buzzes again and you try to keep a straight face as you read the block of text, and watch the attachment, the bottom half of your face hidden comfortably behind the collar of your shirt to hide your frazzled-ness. 

Chevy: Baby, you know that’s not what I meant... But look what its done to me. Devil person. 

*Chevy Attached: A video of his lap shifting, and there’s a slight bulge in his black pants. 

Eyes wide at the video he must’ve taken on the sly under the table, of his gently growing prominence, as he shifts to get more comfortable with it. Its just enough movement for you to imagine it thrusting onto your aching section and it makes you hide even more of your face under your shirt. “Jesus... “ This may have been a bad idea. 

Bad I cant stop. 

You: I love that

Chevy: I know 

*Chevy Attached: A picture of his grinning face from below, looking off assumedly to the slideshow or whatever they’re being shown in that meeting. 

Why is that cocky, mischievous look on his face, which some (Including yourself sometimes) would call an asshole look, hotter then the outline of his huge, ever loving cock?? It just doesn't add up! 

This is becoming a cruel, and unusual form of torture. You’ve never tried sexting before today, and you regret it. 

Ohhh, god. You wish he was here! Closing your eyes for a moment and furrowing your eyebrows from frustration and longing, you shamelessly imagine how Chev would lead you to the nearest empty room with a door (Any room. Laundry? Kitchen? Your room? His? Someone else's?? It wouldn’t matter to him, and by the time he got your favourite weapon of his out you wouldn't either. At least, that’s the way things were the last time you checked.) push your body against the wall and thrust his cock deep into you as he plays torturously with your front with his huge hands... 

And it wouldn't be hard. You’re already totally slick, with blood and slick. 

Oh, god. You love that he’s there for period sex. 

As you imagined, you had let your head fall to the side slowly relaxing. And, as you imagined further, fantasising about your orgasm building up and feeling your pussy ache for pressure in real life you start to hear h e a v y footsteps coming towards this room in the hall. 

Just as you realise that your knight in shining cargo has come you snap your eyes open and there that man is, standing behind the couch above you, jaw taught. You cant see his lower section due to the back of the couch obscuring your view but a broad grin rips across your lips anyway at the speediness of his arrival and the forcefulness - in other words, desperation, - in his face. You immediately, kind of hilariously, yank out the hot water bottle from your clothes.  “Well, hi there!- Oh,”

He just leans down, fixes his ginormous, manly hands around your waist and plucks you off the couch with ease, literally throwing you over his shoulder - your ass by his head, - and starts walking with just as much force as he came towards the exit. Oh, here we go... 

Your pussy sings at the pressure of his broad shoulder pressing against it, and bumping against it as he walks, and you would be embarrassed by that but instead you just promise it that its going to get its real treat, real soon. 

“Baby girl/boy, you’ve been a real, desperate, whore.” Cheavy growls out as he finds a room and turns on his heel, getting you both inside and kicking the door hard closed. You take that as a sign of how hard he’s about to fuck you, tingling with excitement. He lifts you off his shoulder and plops you down on the washing machine - or dryer? You don’t know. You just know its on, and its sending delicious vibrations through your core, - making you moan at the sudden, total attention to your cunt. But you’re also occupied sitting still, caught in his stern, smirking expression. “I really shouldn't reward you for behaviour like that, kid.”

Knitting your eyebrows together and shifting forward on the machine, opening your legs so he can nestle himself between them and running your hands around his neck so you can guide him forward you whine. Simping. “You don’t want to leave either, though, do you... ?” You smirk slyly. 

“Right.” He smirks back, even more mischievously then you. It makes you wonder, and your pussy yearn. “That’s why I’m doing this for me.” One of those hands, your favourite hands in the entire world (Well apart from that of those who fight for minorities rights every day *Sit com wink into the camera*. ) moves between the two and latches onto your mound, making you jolt forwards into it as he cups and massages it. His hand perfectly cups it, too. Palm big enough to press against the lips, thumb strong enough at the top to rub up and down the top and the rest of his fingers just warm it all up. “Are you gonna be an obedient, disgusting little cock sleeve?” Caught in his gaze, and almost too turned on to respond, you stay still for a moment, thighs just clamping around his hand. 

Almost. 

Quickly, when he stops his movements on your core you nod fervently. “Yes! Yes, I am.” 

“Hmmm?” He tilts his head, looking down as he unbuttons your jeans and makes your breath hitch as dips a thick finger past your underwear, into you and immediately takes it up again to his lips to taste, smirking at your stupefied expression. Blood... he just... tasted... your... He does this every time you two engage in period sex, just to see this reaction from you but you never get used to it. How does he do it?? “What do you call me when I fuck you, Y/N?” 

You break yourself out of the moment, getting back to reality. “D-Daddy. Sorry. Sorry, Daddy... “

“That’s right, baby doll. I’m your Daddy, and you are... ?” 

“Your amenable, disgusting little whore.” You respond obediently, like a student... yeah. A student right out of a porn video. 

“Correct, now... Undo my pants now, wild cat. Somethings just begging for your aching, pretty cunt.” All too happy to do so, your hands dive down - well, not without feeling his chest up on your way down which is made so much easier as he’s just wearing a normal t-shirt instead of chest armour, - and wolfishly unzip and push down his trousers, revealing a fully, entirely enlarged and throbbing penis hidden behind worn cotton boxers. You chew on your lips as you go to pull down those, too, but Chevy chuckles and and gathers your eager hands in one his, reclaiming control that he never really lost. “Oh, not yet. I told you this was for me, didn't I?- “ 

“When are our carnal relations ever any different, Chev?” You ask, scrunching up your nose cheekily. Then, “Ah,”, remembering your place for the moment, you correct yourself carefully. But, you still smirk. “I mean... Daddy.” 

“Get on your knees and use your mouth. You are so good at that- your best quality, really.” 

Scrunching up your nose at his snark this time, scowling, you do as he says anyway hopping off the machine and coming face-to-dick. 

Because you are a whore. 

In this moment, at least. 

And, besides; You are really, really good at this. If you do say so yourself. if you do it just right, his animal instincts will completely take over and he’ll really use you. He steps closer, feet on either side of your thighs making you crane your neck to not be motorboating his freaken balls. Pulling down his boxers, finally completely exposing his, admittedly perfect - for you, - , genitalia and sigh as you get to wrap both your hands around the girth. Its so thick. God, you love it. 

I would love it a heck of a lot more if it was nailing me into the tiles right now instead of nearly poking my eye out... but there are ways we can make that happen. 

Moaning, like you’re taking the first bite of a really good sandwich you take as much of his hot, leaking cock between your lips and your hot mouth. Immediately one of his hands cups the back of your head and firmly pushes you further, the girth disappearing into you until hair tickles your nose. You can only imagine how you look... and it kind of turns you on even more. 

“You are the best cocksleeve, sweet’eart... “ He says, voice not betraying anything so far. You can change that. 

Utilising the tip of your tongue, you begin to stroke the the bottom, all along it to the tip and you suck - gently at first, - and slipping your lips along the shaft over and over, like you’re eating an icy poll. Its a slick, spit sheening mess by the time he’s literally spilling spurts of cum into your mouth and chin, which you wipe off. Not a full orgasm, but enough to grant you what you really want. And damn, is it hot. 

As you slip off of his head again, licking up the creamy substance from the very tip, guided back by his hands in your hair gently but authoritatively he lets out a loud growl at the pleasure you give him. “... Tell me, who’s your Daddy?” 

You just innocently lean forward and nuzzle his thighs in response, making him shudder and get down to the floor with you. Frustratedly, like this has to happen right fucking now, Chevy lays you on your back on the cold floor and straddles you after tugging down your pants and your underwear, and shoves himself fully in you all at once. 

Its an easy fit, spearing into your searing, red, mess of a hole like it can only be one time of the month and when you have sex with Chevy. He grunts, and starts absolutely thundering into you over and over, like you’re the best feeling cunt he’s every experienced. You believe it. And, because of the way he makes you feel with that gorgeous, stone-hard cock of his you hope it is really true.  

The sounds that it causes you to make are completely pornographic, and can absolutely be heard outside the room. The strength he uses to pound your dripping pussy both presses your bare ass into the cold tiles of the floor and pushes you up across the ground, and you whine. So hard... “Oh my god, oh my god!!” You cant help how your legs spread as wide as possible at the thighs but your ankles press tightly to his back. You arch your back to meet him, listening to the squish sounds that come out of you and his growly, fast breathing. “So good, Chevy!!” 

“What.” He says quickly, wrapping his hands around your waist to keep you still and not sliding up the floor- so his hits find their target every time with an agonising strength. Pounding your pussy in a way you wish wouldn't stop. 

Pushing his chest up so you can relocate, and get a different position, making him sit and you straddle his waist, hands up his shirt and fingers spreading across his hairy chest. “I meant Daddy.”

“Yes you fucking did.” 

He always gets so cranky when he’s close to blowing. 

Its not a bad thing, cranky is sexy on him- provided his penis is shoved inside you. 

Grinding in his lap now, you do much of the grunt work, until he cant take your torment this time and takes your waist in his hands again, lifting you and jamming you back down on his rod over and over again, until he explodes cum inside you. 

The outburst fills you up completely, the funk dripping out from between your walls and around his base, dripping on the floor pink from your period causing you to see stars come too, a moment later as he slams you down on his manhood once more. 

Catching your breathes, you two stay sitting there like that, letting your shared fluid ooze out of you from around him, until his cock softens totally in you. When that’s done, he lifts your body off his and sets you down on the ground away from the puddle you two made. Your legs feel shaky, your breath is hard to catch, and your pussy feels battered. 

This was a good session. 

Chevy seems to think so too, as he grins and picks you up again, sitting you sideways, carefully on lap. “Oh, did I do well, Daddy?” You blink innocently, happy to keep playing the game but tired. 

“Mhm. As always. You’ve got the perfect cunt, baby girl/boy.” 

You look up, waiting for a kiss. “Oh, hope so.” Your lips meet, finally, tongues playing together gentle. You exchange long, open mouthed kisses with each other for a while after your session, making out lazily and dining on each others tastes as desert. 

[holyhellpod]

Holy Hell: 3. Metanarrativity: Who’s the Deleuze and who’s the Guattari in your relationship? aka the analysis no one asked for.

In this ep, we delve into authorship, narrative, fandom and narrative meaning. And somehow, as always, bring it back to Cas and Misha Collins.

(Note: the reason I didn’t talk about Billie’s authorship and library is because I completely forgot it existed until I watched season 13 “Advanced Thanatology” again, while waiting for this episode to upload. I’ll find a way to work her into later episodes tho!)

I had to upload it as a new podcast to Spotify so if you could just re-subscribe that would be great! Or listen to it at these other links.

Please listen to the bit at the beginning about monetisation and if you have any questions don’t hesitate to message me here.

Apple | Spotify | Google

Transcript under the cut!

Warnings: discussions of incest, date rape, rpf, war, 9/11, the bush administration, abuse, mental health, addiction, homelessness. Most of these are just one off comments, they’re not full discussions.

Meta-Textuality: Who’s the Deleuze and who’s the Guattari in your relationship?

In the third episode of Season 6, “The Third Man,” Balthazar says to Cas, “you tore up the whole script and burned the pages.” That is the fundamental idea the writers of the first five seasons were trying to sell us: whatever grand plan the biblical God had cooking up is worth nothing in face of the love these men have—for each other and the world. Sam, Bobby, Cas and Dean will go to any lengths to protect one another and keep people safe. What’s real? What’s worth saving? People are real. Families are worth saving. 

This show plugs free will as the most important thing a person, angel, demon or otherwise can have. The fact of the matter is that Dean was always going to fight against the status quo, Sam was always going to go his own way, and Bobby was always going to do his best for his boys. The only uncertainty in the entire narrative is Cas. He was never meant to rebel. He was never meant to fall from Heaven. He was supposed to fall in line, be a good soldier, and help bring on the apocalypse, but Cas was the first agent of free will in the show’s timeline. Sam followed Lucifer, Dean followed Michael, and John gave himself up for the sins of his children, at once both a God and Jesus figure. But Cas wasn’t modelled off anyone else. He is original. There are definitely some parallels to Ruby, but I would argue those are largely unintentional. Cas broke the mold. 

That’s to say nothing of the impact he’s had on the fanbase, and the show itself, which would not have reached 15 seasons and be able to end the way they wanted it to without Cas and Misha Collins. His back must be breaking from carrying the entire show. 

But what the holy hell are we doing here today? Not just talking about Cas. We’re talking about metanarrativity: as I define it, and for purposes of this episode, the story within a story, and the act of storytelling. We’re going to go through a select few episodes which I think exemplify the best of what this show has to offer in terms of framing the narrative. We’ll talk about characters like Chuck and Becky and the baby dykes in season 10. And most importantly we’ll talk about the audience’s role, our role, in the reciprocal relationship of storytelling. After all, a tv show is nothing without the viewer.

I was in fact introduced to the concept of metanarrativity by Supernatural, so the fact that I’m revisiting it six years after I finished my degree to talk about the show is one of life’s little jokes.

 I’m brushing off my degree and bringing out the big guns (aka literary theorists) to examine this concept. This will be yet another piece of analysis that would’ve gone well in my English Lit degree, but I’ll try not to make it dry as dog shit. 

First off, I’m going to argue that the relationship between the creators of Supernatural and the fans has always been a dialogue, albeit with a power imbalance. Throughout the series, even before explicitly metanarrative episodes like season 10 “Fan Fiction” and season 4 “the monster at the end of this book,” the creators have always engaged in conversations with the fans through the show. This includes but is not limited to fan conventions, where the creators have actual, live conversations with the fans. Misha Collins admitted at a con that he’d read fanfiction of Cas while he was filming season 4, but it’s pretty clear even from the first season that the creators, at the very least Eric Kripke, were engaging with fans. The show aired around the same time as Twitter and Tumblr were created, both of which opened up new passageways for fans to interact with each other, and for Twitter and Facebook especially, new passageways for fans to interact with creators and celebrities.

But being the creators, they have ultimate control over what is written, filmed and aired, while we can only speculate and make our own transformative interpretations. But at least since s4, they have engaged in meta narrative construction that at once speaks to fans as well as expands the universe in fun and creative ways. My favourite episodes are the ones where we see the Winchesters through the lens of other characters, such as the season 3 episode “Jus In Bello,” in which Sam and Dean are arrested by Victor Henriksen, and the season 7 episode “Slash Fiction” in which Dean and Sam’s dopplegangers rob banks and kill a bunch of people, loathe as I am to admit that season 7 had an effect on any part of me except my upchuck reflex. My second favourite episodes are the meta episodes, and for this episode of Holy Hell, we’ll be discussing a few: The French Mistake, he Monster at the end of this book, the real ghostbusters, Fan Fiction, Metafiction, and Don’t Call Me Shurley. I’ll also discuss Becky more broadly, because, like, of course I’ll be discussing Becky, she died for our sins. 

Let’s take it back. The Monster At The End Of This Book — written by Julie Siege and Nancy Weiner and directed by Mike Rohl. Inarguably one of the better episodes in the first five seasons. Not only is Cas in it, looking so beautiful, but Sam gets something to do, thank god, and it introduces the character of Chuck, who becomes a source of comic relief over the next two seasons. The episode starts with Chuck Shurley, pen named Carver Edlund after my besties, having a vision while passed out drunk. He dreams of Sam and Dean larping as Feds and finding a series of books based on their lives that Chuck has written. They eventually track Chuck down, interrogate him, and realise that he’s a prophet of the lord, tasked with writing the Winchester Gospels. The B plot is Sam plotting to kill Lilith while Dean fails to get them out of the town to escape her. The C plot is Dean and Cas having a moment that strengthens their friendship and leads further into Cas’s eventual disobedience for Dean. Like the movie Disobedience. Exactly like the movie Disobedience. Cas definitely spits in Dean’s mouth, it’s kinda gross to be honest. Maybe I’m just not allo enough to appreciate art. 

When Eric Kripke was showrunner of the first five seasons of Supernatural,  he conceptualised the character of Chuck. Kripke as the author-god introduced the character of the author-prophet who would later become in Jeremy Carver’s showrun seasons the biblical God. Judith May Fathallah writes in “I’m A God: The Author and the Writing Fan in Supernatural” that Kripke writes himself both into and out of the text, ending his era with Chuck winking at the camera, saying, “nothing really ends,” and disappearing. Kripke stayed on as producer, continuing to write episodes through Sera Gamble’s era, and was even inserted in text in the season 6 episode “The French Mistake”. So nothing really does end, not Kripke’s grip on the show he created, not even the show itself, which fans have jokingly referred to as continuing into its 16th season. Except we’re not joking. It will die when all of us are dead, when there is no one left to remember it. According to W R Fisher, humans are homo narrans, natural storytellers. The Supernatural fandom is telling a fidelitous narrative, one which matches our own beliefs, values and experiences instead of that of canon. Instead of, at Fathallah says, “the Greek tradition, that we should struggle to do the right thing simply because it is right, though we will suffer and be punished anyway,” the fans have created an ending for the characters that satisfies each and every one of our desires, because we each create our own endings. It’s better because we get to share them with each other, in the tradition of campfire stories, each telling our own version and building upon the others. If that’s not the epitome of mythmaking then I don’t know. It’s just great. Dean and Cas are married, Eileen and Sam are married, Jack is sometimes a baby who Claire and Kaia are forced to babysit, Jody and Donna are gonna get hitched soon. It’s season 17, time for many weddings, and Kevin Tran is alive. Kripke, you have no control over this anymore, you crusty hag. 

Chuck is introduced as someone with power, but not influence over the story, only how the story is told through the medium of the novels. It’s basically a very badly written, non authorised biography, and Charlie reading literally every book and referencing things she should have no knowledge of is so damn creepy and funny. At first Chuck is surprised by his characters coming to life, despite having written it already, and when shown the intimidating array of weapons in Baby’s trunk he gets real scared. Which is the appropriate response for a skinny 5-foot-8 white guy in a bathrobe who writes terrible fantasy novels for a living. 

As far as I can remember, this is the first explicitly metanarrative episode in the series, or at least the first one with in world consequences. It builds upon the lore of Christianity, angels, and God, while teasing what’s to come. Chuck and Sam have a conversation about how the rest of the season is going to play out, and Sam comes away with the impression that he’ll go down with the ship. They touch on Sam’s addiction to demon blood, which Chuck admits he didn’t write into the books, because in the world of supernatural, addiction should be demonised ha ha at every opportunity, except for Dean’s alcoholism which is cool and manly and should never be analysed as an unhealthy trauma coping mechanism. 

Chuck is mostly impotent in the story of Sam and Dean, but his very presence presents an element of good luck that turns quickly into a force of antagonism in the series four finale, “Lucifer Rising”, when the archangel Raphael who defeats Lilith in this episode also kills Cas in the finale. It’s Cas’s quick thinking and Dean’s quick doing that resolve the episode and save them from Lilith, once again proving that free will is the greatest force in the universe. Cas is already tearing up pages and burning scripts. The fandom does the same, acting as gods of their own making in taking canon and transforming it into fan art. The fans aren’t impotent like Chuck, but neither do we have sway over the story in the way that Cas and Dean do. Sam isn’t interested in changing the story in the same way—he wants to kill Lilith and save the world, but in doing so continues the story in the way it was always supposed to go, the way the angels and the demons and even God wanted him to. 

Neither of them are author-gods in the way that God is. We find out later that Chuck is in fact the real biblical god, and he engineers everything. The one thing he doesn’t engineer, however, is Castiel, and I’ll get to that in a minute.

The Real Ghostbusters

Season 5’s “The real ghostbusters,” written by Nancy Weiner and Erik Kripke, and directed by James L Conway, situates the Winchesters at a fan convention for the Supernatural books. While there, they are confronted by a slew of fans cosplaying as Sam, Dean, Bobby, the scarecrow, Azazel, and more. They happen to stumble upon a case, in the midst of the game where the fans pretend to be on a case, and with the help of two fans cosplaying as Sam and Dean, they put to rest a group of homicidal ghost children and save the day. Chuck as the special guest of the con has a hero moment that spurs Becky on to return his affections. And at the end, we learn that the Colt, which they’ve been hunting down to kill the devil, was given to a demon named Crowley. It’s a fun episode, but ultimately skippable. This episode isn’t so much metanarrative as it is metatextual—metatextual meaning more than one layer of text but not necessarily about the storytelling in those texts—but let’s take a look at it anyway.

The metanarrative element of a show about a series of books about the brothers the show is based on is dope and expands upon what we saw in “the monster at the end of this book”. But the episode tells a tale about about the show itself, and the fandom that surrounds it. 

Where “The Monster At The End Of This Book” and the season 5 premiere “Sympathy For The Devil” poked at the coiled snake of fans and the concept of fandom, “the real ghostbusters” drags them into the harsh light of an enclosure and antagonises them in front of an audience. The metanarrative element revolves around not only the books themselves, but the stories concocted within the episode: namely Barnes and Demian the cosplayers and the story of the ghosts. The Winchester brothers’s history that we’ve seen throughout the first five seasons of the show is bared in a tongue in cheek way: while we cried with them when Sam and Dean fought with John, now the story is thrown out in such a way as to mock both the story and the fans’ relationship to it. Let me tell you, there is a lot to be made fun of on this show, but the fans’ relationship to the story of Sam, Dean and everyone they encounter along the way isn’t part of it. I don’t mean to be like, wow you can’t make fun of us ever because we’re special little snowflakes and we take everything so seriously, because you are welcome to make fun of us, but when the creators do it, I can’t help but notice a hint of malice. And I think that’s understandable in a way. Like The relationship between creator and fan is both layered and symbiotic. While Kripke and co no doubt owe the show’s popularity to the fans, especially as the fandom has grown and evolved over time, we’re not exactly free of sin. And don’t get me wrong, no fandom is. But the bad apples always seem to outweigh the good ones, and bad experiences can stick with us long past their due.

However, portraying us as losers with no lives who get too obsessed with this show — well, you know, actually, maybe they’re right. I am a loser with no life and I am too obsessed with this show. So maybe they have a point. But they’re so harsh about it. From wincestie Becky who they paint as a desperate shrew to these cosplayers who threaten Dean’s very perception of himself, we’re not painted in a very good light. 

Dean says to Demian and Barnes, “It must be nice to get out of your mom’s basement.” He’s judging them for deriving pleasure from dressing up and pretending to be someone else for a night. He doesn’t seem to get the irony that he does that for a living. As the seasons wore on, the creators made sure to include episodes where Dean’s inner geek could run rampant, often in the form of dressing up like a cowboy, such as season six “Frontierland” and season 13 “Tombstone”. I had to take a break from writing this to laugh for five minutes because Dean is so funny. He’s a car gay but he only likes one car. He doesn’t follow sports. His echolalia causes him to blurt out lines from his favourite movies. He’s a posse magnet. And he loves cosplay. But he will continually degrade and insult anyone who expresses interest in role play, fandom, or interests in general. Maybe that’s why Sam is such a boring person, because Dean as his mother didn’t allow him to have any interests outside of hunting. And when Sam does express interests, Dean insults him too. What a dick. He’s my soulmate, but I am not going to stop listening to hair metal for him. That’s where I draw the line. 

 Where “the monster at the end of this book” is concerned with narrative and authorship, “the real ghostbusters” is concerned with fandom and fan reactions to the show. It’s not really the best example to talk about in an episode about metanarrativity, but I wanted to include it anyway. It veers from talk of narrative by focusing on the people in the periphery of the narrative—the fans and the author. In season 9 “Metafiction,” Metatron asks the question, who gives the story meaning? The text would have you believe it’s the characters. The angels think it’s God. The fandom think it’s us. The creators think it’s them. Perhaps we will never come to a consensus or even a satisfactory answer to this question. Perhaps that’s the point.

The ultimate takeaway from this episode is that ordinary people, the people Sam and Dean save, the people they save the world for, the people they die for again and again, are what give their story meaning. Chuck defeats a ghost and saves the people in the conference room from being murdered. Demian and Barnes, don’t ask me which is which, burn the bodies of the ghost children and lay their spirits to rest. The text says that ordinary, every day people can rise to the challenge of becoming extraordinary. It’s not a bad note to end on, by any means. And then we find out that Demian and Barnes are a couple, which of course Dean is surprised at, because he lacks object permanence. 

This is no doubt influenced by how a good portion of the transformative fandom are queer, and also a nod to the wincesties and RPF writers like Becky who continue to bottom feed off the wrong message of this show. But then, the creators encourage that sort of thing, so who are the real clowns here? Everyone. Everyone involved with this show in any way is a clown, except for the crew, who were able to feed their families for more than a decade. 

Okay side note… over the past year or so I’ve been in process of realising that even in fandom queers are in the minority. I know the statistic is that 10% of the world population is queer, but that doesn’t seem right to me? Maybe because 4/5 closest friends are queer and I hang around queers online, but I also think I lack object permanence when it comes to straight people. Like I just do not interact with straight people on a regular basis outside of my best friend and parents and school. So when I hear that someone in fandom is straight I’m like, what the fuck… can you keep that to yourself please? Like if I saw Misha Collins coming out as straight I would be like, I didn’t ask and you didn’t have to tell. Okay I’m mostly joking, but I do forget straight people exist. Mostly I don’t think about whether people are gay or trans or cis or straight unless they’ve explicitly said it and then yes it does colour my perception of them, because of course it would. If they’re part of the queer community, they’re my people. And if they’re straight and cis, then they could very well pose a threat to me and my wellbeing. But I never ask people because it’s not my business to ask. If they feel comfortable enough to tell me, that’s awesome.  I think Dean feels the same way. Towards the later seasons at least, he has a good reaction when it’s revealed that someone is queer, even if it is mostly played off as a joke. It’s just that he doesn’t have a frame of reference in his own life to having a gay relationship, either his or someone he’s close to. He says to Cesar and Jesse in season 11 “The Critters” that they fight like brothers, because that’s the only way he knows how to conceptualise it. He doesn’t have a way to categorise his and Cas’s relationship, which is in many ways, long before season 15 “Despair,” harking back even to the parallels between Ruby and Cas in season 3 and 4, a romantic one, aside from that Cas is like a brother to him. Because he’s never had anyone in his life care for him the way Cas does that wasn’t Sam and Bobby, and he doesn’t recognise the romantic element of their relationship until literally Cas says it to him in the third last episode, he just—doesn’t know what his and Cas’s relationship is. He just really doesn’t know. And he grew up with a father who despised him for taking the mom and wife role in their family, the role that John placed him in, for being subservient to John’s wishes where Sam was more rebellious, so of course he wouldn’t understand either his own desires or those of anyone around him who isn’t explicitly shoving their tits in his face. He moulded his entire personality around what he thought John wanted of him, and John says to him explicitly in season 14 “Lebanon”, “I thought you’d have a family,” meaning, like him, wife and two rugrats. And then, dear god, Dean says, thinking of Sam, Cas, Jack, Claire, and Mary, “I have a family.” God that hurts so much. But since for most of his life he hasn’t been himself, he’s been the man he thought his father wanted him to be, he’s never been able to examine his own desires, wants and goals. So even though he’s really good at reading people, he is not good at reading other people’s desires unless they have nefarious intentions. Because he doesn’t recognise what he feels is attraction to men, he doesn’t recognise that in anyone else. 

Okay that’s completely off topic, wow. Getting back to metanarrativity in “The Real Ghostbusters,” I’ll just cap it off by saying that the books in this episode are more a frame for the events than the events themselves. However, there are some good outtakes where Chuck answers some questions, and I’m not sure how much of that is scripted and how much is Rob Benedict just going for it, but it lends another element to the idea of Kripke as author-god. The idea of a fan convention is really cool, because at this point Supernatural conventions had been running for about 4 years, since 2006. It’s definitely a tribute to the fans, but also to their own self importance. So it’s a mixed bag, considering there were plenty of elements in there that show the good side of fandom and fans, but ultimately the Winchesters want nothing to do with it, consider it weird, and threaten Chuck when he says he’ll start releasing books again, which as far as they know is his only source of income. But it’s a fun episode and Dean is a grouchy bitch, so who the holy hell cares?

Season 10 episode “fanfiction” written by my close personal friend Robbie Thompson and directed by Phil Sgriccia is one of the funniest episodes this show has ever done. Not only is it full of metatextual and metanarrative jokes, the entire premise revolves around fanservice, but in like a fun and interesting way, not fanservice like killing the band Kansas so that Dean can listen to “Carry On My Wayward Son” in heaven twice. Twice. One version after another. Like I would watch this musical seven times in theatre, I would buy the soundtrack, I would listen to it on repeat and make all my friends listen to it when they attend my online Jitsi birthday party. This musical is my Hamilton. Top ten episodes of this show for sure. The only way it could be better is if Cas was there. And he deserved to be there. He deserved to watch little dyke Castiel make out with her girlfriend with her cute little wings, after which he and Dean share uncomfortable eye contact. Dean himself is forever coming to terms with the fact that gay people exist, but Cas should get every opportunity he can to hear that it’s super cool and great and awesome to be queer. But really he should be in every episode, all of them, all 300 plus episodes including the ones before angels were introduced. I’m going to commission the guy who edits Paddington into every movie to superimpose Cas standing on the highway into every episode at least once.

“Fan Fiction” starts with a tv script and the words “Supernatural pilot created by Eric Kripke”. This Immediately sets up the idea that it’s toying with narrative. Blah blah blah, some people go missing, they stumble into a scene from their worst nightmares: the school is putting on a musical production of a show inspired by the Supernatural books. It’s a comedy of errors. When people continue to go missing, Sam and Dean have to convince the girls that something supernatural is happening, while retaining their dignity and respect. They reveal that they are the real Sam and Dean, and Dean gives the director Marie a summary of their lives over the last five seasons, but they aren’t taken seriously. Because, like, of course they aren’t. Even when the girls realise that something supernatural is happening, they don’t actually believe that the musical they’ve made and the series of books they’re basing it on are real. Despite how Sam and Dean Winchester were literal fugitives for many years at many different times, and this was on the news, and they were wanted by the FBI, despite how they pretend to be FBI, and no one mentions it??? Did any of the staffwriters do the required reading or just do what I used to do for my 40 plus page readings of Baudrillard and just skim the first sentence of every paragraph? Neat hack for you: paragraphs are set up in a logical order of Topic, Example, Elaboration, Linking sentence. Do you have to read 60 pages of some crusty French dude waxing poetic about how his best friend Pierre wants to shag his wife and making that your problem? Read the first and last sentence of every paragraph. Boom, done. Just cut your work in half. 

The musical highlights a lot of the important moments of the show so far. The brothers have, as Charlie Bradbury says, their “broment,” and as Marie says, their “boy melodrama scene,” while she insinuates that there is a sexual element to their relationship. This show never passed up an opportunity to mention incest. It’s like: mentioning incest 5000 km, not being disgusting 1 km, what a hard decision. Actually, they do have to walk on their knees for 100 miles through the desert repenting. But there are other moments—such as Mary burning on the ceiling, a classic, Castiel waiting for Dean at the side of the highway, and Azazel poisoning Sam. With the help of the high schoolers, Sam and Dean overcome Calliope, the muse and bad guy of the episode, and save the day. What began as their lives reinterpreted and told back to them turns into a story they have some agency over.

In this episode, as opposed to “The Monster At The End Of This Book,” The storytelling has transferred from an alcoholic in a bathrobe into the hands of an overbearing and overachieving teenage girl, and honestly why not. Transformative fiction is by and large run by women, and queer women, so Marie and her stage manager slash Jody Mills’s understudy Maeve are just following in the footsteps of legends. This kind of really succinctly summarises the difference between curative fandom and transformative fandom, the former of which is populated mostly by men, and the latter mostly by women. As defined by LordByronic in 2015, Curative fandom is more like enjoying the text, collecting the merchandise, organising the knowledge — basically Reddit in terms of fandom curation. Transformative fandom is transforming the source text in some way — making fanart, fanfic, mvs, or a musical — basically Tumblr in general, and Archive of our own specifically. Like what do non fandom people even do on Tumblr? It is a complete mystery to me. Whereas Chuck literally writes himself into the narrative he receives through visions, Marie and co have agency and control over the narrative by writing it themselves. 

Chuck does appear in the episode towards the end, his first appearance after five seasons. The theory that he killed those lesbian theatre girls makes me wanna curl up and die, so I don’t subscribe to it. Chuck watched the musical and he liked it and he gave unwarranted notes and then he left, the end.

The Supernatural creative team is explicitly acknowledging the fandom’s efforts by making this episode. They’re writing us in again, with more obsessive fans, but with lethbians this time, which makes it infinitely better. And instead of showing us as potential date rapists, we’re just cool chicks who like to make art. And that’s fucken awesome. 

I just have to note that the characters literally say the word Destiel after Dean sees the actors playing Dean and Cas making out. He storms off and tells Sam to shut the fuck up when Sam makes fun of him, because Dean’s sexuality is NOT threatened he just needs to assert his dominance as a straight hetero man who has NEVER looked at another man’s lips and licked his own. He just… forgets that gay people exist until someone reminds him. BUT THEN, after a rousing speech that is stolen from Rent or Wicked or something, he echoes Marie’s words back, saying “put as much sub into that text as you possibly can.” What does Dean know about subbing, I wonder. Okay I’m suddenly reminded that he did literally go to a kink bar and get hit on by a leather daddy. Oh Dean, the experiences you have as a broad-shouldered, pixie-faced man with cowboy legs. You were born for this role.

Metatron is my favourite villain. As one tumblr user pointed out, he is an evil English literature major, which is just a normal English literature major. The season nine episode “Meta Fiction” written by my main man robbie thompson and directed by thomas j wright, happens within a curious season. Castiel, once again, becomes the leader of a portion of the heavenly host to take down Metatron, and Dean is affected by the Mark Of Cain. Sam was recently possessed by Gadreel, who killed Kevin in Sam’s body and then decided to run off with Metatron. Metatron himself is recruiting angels to join him, in the hopes that he can become the new God. It’s the first introduction of Hannah, who encourages Cas to recruit angels himself to take on Metatron. Also, we get to see Gabriel again, who is always a delight. 

This episode is a lot of fun. Metatron poses questions like, who tells a story and who is the most important person in the telling? Is it the writer? The audience? He starts off staring over his typewriter to address the camera, like a pompous dickhead. No longer content with consuming stories, he’s started to write his own. And they are hubristic ones about becoming God, a better god than Chuck ever was, but to do it he needs to kill a bunch of people and blame it on Cas. So really, he’s actually exactly like Chuck who blamed everything on Lucifer. 

But I think the most apt analogy we can use for this in terms of who is the creator is to think of Metatron as a fanfiction writer. He consumes the media—the Winchester Gospels—and starts to write his own version of events—leading an army to become God and kill Cas. Nevermind that no one has been able to kill Cas in a way that matters or a way that sticks. Which is canon, and what Metatron is trying to do is—well not fanon because it actually does impact the Winchesters’ storyline. It would be like if one of the writers of Supernatural began writing Supernatural fanfiction before they got a job on the show. Which as my generation and the generations coming after me get more comfortable with fanfiction and fandom, is going to be the case for a lot of shows. I think it’s already the case for Riverdale. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the woman who wrote the bi Dean essay go to work on Riverdale? Or something? I dunno, I have the post saved in my tumblr likes but that is quagmire of epic proportions that I will easily get lost in if I try to find it. 

Okay let me flex my literary degree. As Englund and Leach say in “Ethnography and the metanarratives of modernity,” “The influential “literary turn,” in which the problems of ethnography were seen as largely textual and their solutions as lying in experimental writing seems to have lost its impetus.” This can be taken to mean, in the context of Supernatural, that while Metatron’s writings seek to forge a new path in history, forgoing fate for a new kind of divine intervention, the problem with Metatron is that he’s too caught up in the textual, too caught up in the writing, to be effectual. And this as we see throughout seasons 9, 10 and 11, has no lasting effect. Cas gets his grace back, Dean survives, and Metatron becomes a powerless human. In this case, the impetus is his grace, which he loses when Cas cuts it out of him, a mirror to Metatron cutting out Cas’s grace. 

However, I realise that the concept of ethnography in Supernatural is a flawed one, ethnography being the observation of another culture: a lot of the angels observe humanity and seem to fit in. However, Cas has to slowly acclimatise to the Winchesters as they tame him, but he never quite fit in—missing cues, not understanding jokes or Dean’s personal space, the scene where he says, “We have a guinea pig? Where?” Show him the guinea pig Sam!!! He wants to see it!!! At most he passes as a human with autism. Cas doesn’t really observe humanity—he observes nature, as seen in season 7 “reading is fundamental” and “survival of the fittest”. Even the human acts he talks about in season 6 “the man who would be king” are from hundreds or thousands of years ago. He certainly doesn’t observe popular culture, which puts him at odds with Dean, who is made up of 90 per cent pop culture references and 10 per cent flannel. Metatron doesn’t seek to blend in with humanity so much as control it, which actually is the most apt example of ethnography for white people in the last—you know, forever. But of course the writers didn’t seek to make this analogy. It is purely by chance, and maybe I’m the only person insane enough to realise it. But probably not. There are a lot of cookies much smarter than me in the Supernatural fandom and they’ve like me have grown up and gone to university and gotten real jobs in the real world and real haircuts. I’m probably the only person to apply Englund and Leach to it though.

And yes, as I read this paper I did need to have one tab open on Google, with the word “define” in the search bar. 

Metatron has a few lines in this that I really like. He says: 

“The universe is made up of stories, not atoms.”

“You’re going to have to follow my script.”

“I’m an entity of my word.”

It’s really obvious, but they’re pushing the idea that Metatron has become an agent of authorship instead of just a consumer of media. He even throws a Supernatural book into his fire — a symbolic act of burning the script and flipping the writer off, much like Cas did to God and the angels in season 5. He’s not a Kripke figure so much as maybe a Gamble, Carver or Dabb figure, in that he usurps Chuck and becomes the author-god. This would be extremely postmodern of him if he didn’t just do exactly what Chuck was doing, except worse somehow. In fact, it’s postmodern of Cas to reject heaven’s narrative and fall for Dean. As one tumblr user points out, Cas really said “What’s fate compared to Dean Winchester?”

Okay this transcript is almost 8000 words already, and I still have two more episodes to review, and more things to say, so I’ll leave you with this. Metatron says to Cas, “Out of all of God’s wind up toys, you’re the only one with any spunk.” Why Cas has captured his attention comes down more than anything to a process of elimination. Most angels fucking suck. They follow the rules of whoever puts themselves in charge, and they either love Cas or hate him, or just plainly wanna fuck him, and there have been few angels who stood out. Balthazar was awesome, even though I hated him the first time I watched season 6. He UNSUNK the Titanic. Legend status. And Gabriel was of course the OG who loves to fuck shit up. But they’re gone at this stage in the narrative, and Cas survives. Cas always survives. He does have spunk. And everyone wants to fuck him.  

Season 11 episode 20 “Don’t Call Me Shurley,” the last episode written by the Christ like figure of Robbie Thompson — are we sensing a theme here? — and directed by my divine enemy Robert Singer, starts with Metatron dumpster diving for food. I’m not even going to bother commenting on this because like… it’s supernatural and it treats complex issues like homelessness and poverty with zero nuance. Like the Winchesters live in poverty but it’s fun and cool because they always scrape by but Metatron lives in poverty and it’s funny. Cas was homeless and it was hard but he needed to do it to atone for his sins, and Metatron is homeless and it’s funny because he brought it on himself by being a murderous dick. Fucking hell. Robbie, come on. The plot focuses on God, also known as Chuck Shurley, making himself known to Metatron and asking for Metatron’s opinion on his memoir. Meanwhile, the Winchesters battle another bout of infectious serial killer fog sent by Amara. At the end of the episode, Chuck heals everyone affected by the fog and reveals himself to Sam and Dean. 

Chuck says that he didn’t foresee Metatron trying to become god, but the idea of Season 15 is that Chuck has been writing the Winchesters’ story all their lives. When Metatron tries, he fails miserably, is locked up in prison, tortured by Dean, then rendered useless as a human and thrown into the world without a safety net. His authorship is reduced to nothing, and he is reduced to dumpster diving for food. He does actually attempt to live his life as someone who records tragedies as they happen and sells the footage to news stations, which is honestly hilarious and amazing and completely unsurprising because Metatron is, at the heart of it, an English Literature major. In true bastard style, he insults Chuck’s work and complains about the bar, but slips into his old role of editor when Chuck asks him to. 

The theory I’m consulting for this uses the term metanarrative in a different way than I am. They consider it an overarching narrative, a grand narrative like religion. Chuck’s biography is in a sense most loyal to Middleton and Walsh’s view of metanarrative: “the universal story of the world from arche to telos, a grand narrative encompassing world history from beginning to end.” Except instead of world history, it’s God’s history, and since God is construed in Supernatural as just some guy with some powers who is as fallible as the next some guy with some powers, his story has biases and agendas.  Okay so in the analysis I’m getting Middleton and Walsh’s quotes from, James K A Smith’s “A little story about metanarratives,” Smith dunks on them pretty bad, but for Supernatural purposes their words ring true. Think of them as the BuckLeming of Lyotard’s postmodern metanarrative analysis: a stopped clock right twice a day. Is anyone except me understanding the sequence of words I’m saying right now. Do I just have the most specific case of brain worms ever found in human history. I’m currently wearing my oversized Keith Haring shirt and dipping pretzels into peanut butter because it’s 3.18 in the morning and the homosexuals got to me. The total claims a comprehensive metanarrative of world history make do indeed, as Middleton and Walsh claim, lead to violence, stay with me here, because Chuck’s legacy is violence, and so is Metatron’s, and in trying to reject the metanarrative, Sam and Dean enact violence. Mostly Dean, because in season 15 he sacrifices his own son twice to defeat Chuck. But that means literally fighting violence with violence. Violence is, after all, all they know. Violence is the lens through which they interact with the world. If the writers wanted to do literally anything else, they could have continued Dean’s natural character progression into someone who eschews the violence that stems from intergeneration trauma — yes I will continue to use the phrase intergenerational trauma whenever I refer to Dean — and becomes a loving father and husband. Sam could eschew violence and start a monster rehabilitation centre with Eileen.

This episode of Holy Hell is me frantically grabbing at straws to make sense of a narrative that actively hates me and wants to kick me to death. But the violence Sam and Dean enact is not at a metanarrative level, because they are not author-gods of their own narrative. In season 15 “Atomic Monsters,” Becky points out that the ending of the Supernatural book series is bad because the brothers die, and then, in a shocking twist of fate, Dean does die, and the narrative is bad. The writers set themselves a goal post to kick through and instead just slammed their heat into the bars. They set up the dartboard and were like, let’s aim the darts at ourselves. Wouldn’t that be fun. Season 15’s writing is so grossly incompetent that I believe every single conspiracy theory that’s come out of the finale since November, because it’s so much more compelling than whatever the fuck happened on the road so far. Carry on? Why yes, I think I will carry on, carry on like a pork chop, screaming at the bars of my enclosure until I crack my voice open like an egg and spill out all my rage and frustration. The world will never know peace again. It’s now 3.29 and I’ve written over 9000 words of this transcript. And I’m not done.

Middleton and Walsh claim that metanarratives are merely social constructions masquerading as universal truths. Which is, exactly, Supernatural. The creators have constructed this elaborate web of narrative that they want to sell us as the be all and end all. They won’t let the actors discuss how they really feel about the finale. They won’t let Misha Collins talk about Destiel. They want us to believe it was good, actually, that Dean, a recovering alcoholic with a 30 year old infant son and a husband who loves him, deserved to die by getting NAILED, while Sam, who spent the last four seasons, the entirety of Andrew Dabb’s run as showrunner, excelling at creating a hunter network and romancing both the queen of hell and his deaf hunter girlfriend, should have lived a normie life with a normie faceless wife. Am I done? Not even close. I started this episode and I’m going to finish it.

When we find out that Chuck is God in the episode of season 11, it turns everything we knew about Chuck on its head. We find out in Season 15 that Chuck has been writing the Winchesters’ story all along, that everything that happened to them is his doing. The one thing he couldn’t control was Cas’s choice to rebel. If we take him at his word, Cas is the only true force of free will in the entire universe, and more specifically, the love that Cas had for Dean which caused him to rebel and fall from heaven. — This theory has holes of course. Why would Lucifer torture Lilith into becoming the first demon if he didn’t have free will? Did Chuck make him do that? And why? So that Chuck could be the hero and Lucifer the bad guy, like Lucifer claimed all along? That’s to say nothing of Adam and Eve, both characters the show introduced in different ways, one as an antagonist and the other as the narrative foil to Dean and Cas’s romance. Thinking about it makes my head hurt, so I’m just not gunna. 

So Chuck was doing the writing all along. And as Becky claims in “Atomic Monsters,” it’s bad writing. The writers explicitly said, the ending Chuck wrote is bad because there’s no Cas and everyone dies, and then they wrote an ending where there is no Cas and everyone dies. So talk about self-fulfilling prophecies. Talk about giant craters in the earth you could see from 800 kilometres away but you still fell into. Meanwhile fan writers have the opportunity to write a million different endings, all of which satisfy at least one person. The fandom is a hydra, prolific and unstoppable, and we’ll keep rewriting the ending a million more times.

And all this is not even talking about the fact that Chuck is a man, Metatron is a man, Sam and Dean and Cas are men, and the writers and directors of the show are, by an overwhelming majority, men. Most of them are white, straight, cis men. Feminist scholarship has done a lot to unpack the damage done by paternalistic approaches to theory, sociology, ethnography, all the -ys, but I propose we go a step further with these men. Kill them. Metanarratively, of course. Amara, the Darkness, God’s sister, had a chance to write her own story without Chuck, after killing everything in the universe, and I think she had the right idea. Knock it all down to build it from the ground up. Billie also had the opportunity to write a narrative, but her folly was, of course, putting any kind of faith in the Winchesters who are also grossly incompetent and often fail up. She is, as all author-gods on this show are, undone by Castiel. The only one with any spunk, the only one who exists outside of his own narrative confines, the only one the author-gods don’t have any control over. The one who died for love, and in dying, gave life. 

The French Mistake

Let’s change the channel. Let’s calm ourselves and cleanse our libras. Let’s commune with nature and chug some sage bongs. 

“The French Mistake” is a song from the Mel Brooks film Blazing Saddles. In the iconic second last scene of the film, as the cowboys fight amongst themselves, the camera pans back to reveal a studio lot and a door through which a chorus of gay dancersingers perform “the French Mistake”. The lyrics go, “Throw out your hands, stick out your tush, hands on your hips, give ‘em a push. You’ll be surprised you’re doing the French Mistake.” 

I’m not sure what went through the heads of the Supernatural creators when they came up with the season 6 episode, “The French Mistake,” written by the love of my life Ben Edlund and directed by some guy Charles Beeson. Just reading the Wikipedia summary is so batshit incomprehensible. In short: Balthazar sends Sam and Dean to an alternate universe where they are the actors Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles, who play Sam and Dean on the tv show Supernatural. I don’t think this had ever been done in television history before. The first seven seasons of this show are certifiable. Like this was ten years ago. Think about the things that have happened in the last 10 slutty, slutty years. We have lived through atrocities and upheaval and the entire world stopping to mourn, but also we had twitter throughout that entire time, which makes it infinitely worse.

In this universe, Sam and Dean wear makeup, Cas is played by attractive crying man Misha Collins, and Genevieve Padalecki nee Cortese makes an appearance. Magic doesn’t exist, Serge has good ideas, and the two leads have to act in order to get through the day. Sorry man I do not know how to pronounce your name.

Sidenote: I don’t know if me being attracted aesthetically to Misha Collins is because he’s attractive, because this show has gaslighted me into thinking he’s attractive, or because Castiel’s iconic entrance in 2008 hit my developing mind like a torpedo full of spaghetti and blew my fucking brains all over the place. It’s one of life’s little mysteries and God’s little gifts.

Let’s talk about therapy. More specifically, “Agency and purpose in narrative therapy: questioning the postmodern rejection of metanarrative” by Cameron Lee. In this paper, Lee outlines four key ideas as proposed by Freedman and Combs:

Realities are socially constructed

Realities are constituted through language

Realities are organised and maintained through narrative

And there are no essential truths.

Let’s break this down in the case of this episode. Realities are socially constructed: the reality of Sam and Dean arose from the Bush era. Do I even need to elaborate? From what I understand with my limited Australian perception, and being a child at the time, 9/11 really was a prominent shifting point in the last twenty years. As Americans describe it, sometimes jokingly, it was the last time they were really truly innocent. That means to me that until they saw the repercussions of their government’s actions in funding turf wars throughout the middle east for a good chunk of the 20th Century, they allowed themselves to be hindered by their own ignorance. The threat of terrorism ran rampant throughout the States, spurred on by right wing nationalists and gun-toting NRA supporters, so it’s really no surprise that the show Supernatural started with the premise of killing everything in sight and driving around with only your closest kin and a trunk full of guns. Kripke constructed that reality from the social-political climate of the time, and it has wrought untold horrors on the minds of lesbians who lived through the noughties, in that we are now attracted to Misha Collins.

Number two: Realities are constituted through language. Before a show can become a show, it needs to be a script. It’s written down, typed up, and given to actors who say the lines out loud. In this respect, they are using the language of speech and words to convey meaning. But tv shows are not all about words, and they’re barely about scripts. From what I understand of being raised by television, they are about action, visuals, imagery, and behaviours. All of the work that goes into them—the scripts, the lighting, the audio, the sound mixing, the cameras, the extras, the ADs, the gaffing, the props, the stunts, everything—is about conveying a story through the medium of images. In that way, images are the language. The reality of the show Supernatural, inside the show Supernatural, is constituted through words: the script, the journalists talking to Sam, the makeup artist taking off Dean’s makeup, the conversations between the creators, the tweets Misha sends. But also through imagery: the fish tank in Jensen’s trailer, the model poses on the front cover of the magazine, the opulence of Jared’s house, Misha’s iconic sweater. Words and images are the language that constitutes both of these realities. Okay for real, I feel like I’ve only seen this episode max three times, including when I watched it for research for this episode, but I remember so much about it. 

Number three: realities are organised and maintained through narrative. In this universe of the French Mistake, their lives are structured around two narratives: the internal narrative of the show within the show, in which they are two actors on a tv set; and the episode narrative in which they need to keep the key safe and return to their own universe. This is made difficult by the revelation that magic doesn’t work in this universe, however, they find a way. Before they can get back, though, an avenging angel by the name of Virgil guns down author-god Eric Kripke and tries to kill the Winchesters. However, they are saved by Balthazar and the freeze frame and brought back into their own world, the world of Supernatural the show, not Supernatural the show within the show within the nesting doll. And then that reality is done with, never to be revisited or even mentioned, but with an impact that has lasted longer than the second Bush administration.

And number four: there are no essential truths. This one is a bit tricky because I can’t find what Lee means by essential truths, so I’m just going to interpret that. To me, essential truths means what lies beneath the narratives we tell ourselves. Supernatural was a show that ran for 15 years. Supernatural had actors. Supernatural was showrun by four different writers. In the show within a show, there is nothing, because that ceases to exist for longer than the forty two minute episode “The French Mistake”. And since Supernatural no longer exists except in our computers, it is nothing too. It is only the narratives we tell ourselves to sleep better at night, to wake up in the morning with a smile, to get through the day, to connect with other people, to understand ourselves better. It’s not even the narrative that the showrunners told, because they have no agency over it as soon as it shows up on our screens. The essential truth of the show is lost in the translation from creating to consuming. Who gives the story meaning? The people watching it and the people creating it. We all do. 

Lee says that humans are predisposed to construct narratives in order to make sense of the world. We see this in cultures from all over the world: from cave paintings to vases, from The Dreaming to Beowulf, humans have always constructed stories. The way you think about yourself is a story that you’ve constructed. The way you interact with your loved ones and the furries you rightfully cyberbully on Twitter is influenced by the narratives you tell yourself about them. And these narratives are intricate, expansive, personalised, and can colour our perceptions completely, so that we turn into a different person when we interact with one person as opposed to another. 

Whatever happened in season 6, most of which I want to forget, doesn’t interest me in the way I’m telling myself the writers intended. For me, the entirety of season 6 was based around the premise of Cas being in love with Dean, and the complete impotence of this love. He turns up when Dean calls, he agonises as he watches Dean rake leaves and live his apple pie life with Lisa, and Dean is the person he feels most horribly about betraying. He says, verbatim, to Sam, “Dean and I do share a more profound bond.” And Balthazar says, “You’re confusing me with the other angel, the one in the dirty trenchcoat who’s in love with you.” He says this in season 6, and we couldn’t do a fucken thing about it. 

The song “The French Mistake” shines a light on the hidden scene of gay men performing a gay narrative, in the midst of a scene about the manliest profession you can have: professional horse wrangler, poncho wearer, and rodeo meister, the cowboy. If this isn’t a perfect encapsulation of the lovestory between Dean and Cas, which Ben Edlund has been championing from day fucking one of Misha Collins walking onto that set with his sex hair and chapped lips, then I don’t know what the fuck we’re even doing here. What in the hell else could it possibly mean. The layers to this. The intricacy. The agendas. The subtextual AND blatant queerness. The micro aggressions Crowley aimed at Car in “The Man Who Would Be King,” another Bedlund special. Bed Edlund is a fucking genius. Bed Edlund is cool girl. Ben Edlund is the missing link. Bed Edlund IS wikileaks. Ben Edlund is a cool breeze on a humid summer day. Ben Edlund is the stop loading button on a browser tab. Ben Edlund is the perfect cross between Spotify and Apple Music, in which you can search for good playlists, but without having to be on Spotify. He can take my keys and fuck my wife. You best believe I’m doing an entire episode of Holy Hell on Bedlund’s top five. He is the reason I want to get into staffwriting on a tv show. I saw season 4 episode “On the head of a pin” when my brain was still torpedoed spaghetti mush from the premiere, and it nestled its way deep into my exposed bones, so that when I finally recovered from that, I was a changed person. My god, this transcript is 11,000 words, and I haven’t even finished the Becky section. Which is a good transition.

Oh, Becky. She is an incarnation of how the writers, or at least Kripke, view the fans. Watching season 5 “Sympathy for the Devil” live in 2009 was a whole fucking trip that I as a baby gay was not prepared for. Figuring out my sexuality was a journey that started with the Supernatural fandom and is in some aspects still raging against the dying of the light today. Add to that, this conception of the audience was this, like, personification of the librarian cellist from Juno, but also completely without boundaries, common sense, or shame. It made me wonder about my position in the narrative as a consumer consuming. Is that how Kripke saw me, specifically? Was I like Becky? Did my forays into DeanCasNatural on El Jay dot com make me a fucking loser whose only claim to fame is writing some nasty fanfiction that I’ve since deleted all traces of? Don’t get me wrong, me and my unhinged Casgirl friends loved Becky. I can’t remember if I ever wrote any fanfiction with her in it because I was mostly writing smut, which is extremely Becky coded of me, but I read some and my friends and I would always chat about her when she came up. She was great entertainment value before season 7. But in the eyes of the powers that be, Becky, like the fans themselves, are expendable. First they turned her into a desperate bride wannabe who drugs Sam so that he’ll be with her, then Chuck waves his hand and she disappears. We’re seeing now with regards to Destiel, Cas, and Misha Collins this erasure of them from the narrative. Becky says in season 15 “Atomic Monsters” that the ending Chuck writes is bad because, for one, there’s no Cas, and that’s exactly what’s happening to the text post-finale. It literally makes me insane akin to the throes of mania to think about the layers of this. They literally said, “No Cas = bad” and now Misha isn’t even allowed to talk in his Cassona voice—at least at the time I wrote that—to the detriment of the fans who care about him. It’s the same shit over and over. They introduce something we like, they realise they have no control over how much we like it, and then they pretend they never introduced it in the first place. Season 7, my god. The only reason Gamble brought back Cas was because the ratings were tanking the show. I didn’t even bother watching most of it live, and would just hear from my friends whether Cas was in the episodes or not. And then Sera, dear Sera, had the gall to say it was a Homer’s Odyssey narrative. I’m rusty on Homer aka I’ve never read it but apparently Odysseus goes away, ends up with a wife on an island somewhere, and then comes back to Terabithia like it never happened. How convenient. But since Sera Gamble loves to bury her gays, we can all guess why Cas was written out of the show: Cas being gay is a threat to the toxic heteronormativity spouted by both the show and the characters themselves. In season 15, after Becky gets her life together, has kids, gets married, and starts a business, she is outgrowing the narrative and Chuck kills her. The fans got Destiel Wedding trending on Twitter, and now the creators are acting like he doesn’t exist. New liver, same eagles.

I have to add an adendum: as of this morning, Sunday 11th, don’t ask me what time that is in Americaland, Misha Collins did an online con/Q&A thing and answered a bunch of questions about Cas and Dean, which goes to show that he cannot be silenced. So the narrative wants to be told. It’s continuing well into it’s 16th or 17th season. It’s going to keep happening and they have no recourse to stop it. So fuck you, Supernatural.

I did write the start of a speech about representation but, who the holy hell cares. I also read some disappointing Masters theses that I hope didn’t take them longer to research and write than this episode of a podcast I’m making for funsies took me, considering it’s the same number of pages. Then again I have the last four months and another 8 years of fandom fuelling my obsession, and when I don’t sleep I write, hence the 4,000 words I knocked out in the last 12 hours. 

Some final words. Lyotard defines postmodernism, the age we live in, as an incredulity towards metanarratives. Modernism was obsessed with order and meaning, but postmodernism seeks to disrupt that. Modernists lived within the frame of the narrative of their society, but postmodernists seek to destroy the frame and live within our own self-written contexts. Okay I love postmodernist theory so this has been a real treat for me. Yoghurt, Sam? Postmodernist theory? Could I BE more gay? 

Middleton and Walsh in their analysis of postmodernism claim that biblical faith is grounded in metanarrative, and explore how this intersects with an era that rejects metanarrative. This is one of the fundamental ideas Supernatural is getting at throughout definitely the last season, but other seasons as well. The narratives of Good vs Evil, Michael vs Lucifer, Dean vs Sam, were encoded into the overarching story of the show from season 1, and since then Sam and Dean have sought to break free of them. Sam broke free of John’s narrative, which was the hunting life, and revenge, and this moralistic machismo that they wrapped themselves up in. If they’re killing the evil, then they’re not the evil. That’s the story they told, and the impetus of the show that Sam was sucked back into. But this thread unravelled in later seasons when Dean became friends with Benny and the idea that all supernatural creatures are inherently evil unravelled as well. While they never completely broke free of John’s hold over them, welcoming Jack into their lives meant confronting a bias that had been ingrained in them since Dean was 4 years old and Sam 6 months. In the face of the question, “are all monsters monstrous?” the narrative loosens its control. Even by questioning it, it throws into doubt the overarching narrative of John’s plan, which is usurped at the end of season 2 when they kill Azazel by Dean’s demon deal and a new narrative unfolds. John as author-god is usurped by the actual God in season 4, who has his own narrative that controls the lives of Sam, Dean and Cas. 

Okay like for real, I do actually think the metanarrativity in Supernatural is something that should be studied by someone other than me, unless you wanna pay me for it and then shit yeah. It is extremely cool to introduce a biographical narrative about the fictional narrative it’s in. It’s cool that the characters are constantly calling this narrative into focus by fighting against it, struggling to break free from their textual confines to live a life outside of the external forces that control them. And the thing is? The really real, honest thing? They have. Sam, Dean and Cas have broken free of the narrative that Kripke, Carver, Gamble and Dabb wrote for them. The very fact that the textual confession of love that Cas has for Dean ushered in a resurgence of fans, fandom and activity that has kept the show trending for five months after it ended, is just phenomenal. People have pointed out that fans stopped caring about Game of Thrones as soon as it ended. Despite the hold they had over tv watchers everywhere, their cultural currency has been spent. The opposite is true for Supernatural. Despite how the finale of the show angered and confused people, it gains more momentum every day. More fanworks, more videos, more fics, more art, more ire, more merch is being generated by the fans still. The Supernatural subreddit, which was averaging a few posts a week by season 15, has been incensed by the finale. And yours truly happily traipsed back into the fandom snake pit after 8 years with a smile on my face and a skip in my step ready to pump that dopamine straight into my veins babeeeeeeyyyyy. It’s been WILD. I recently reconnected with one of my mutuals from 2010 and it’s like nothing’s changed. We’re both still unhinged and we both still simp for Supernatural. Even before season 15, I was obsessed with the podcast Ride Or Die, which I started listening to in late 2019, and Supernatural was always in the back of my mind. You just don’t get over your first fandom. Actually, Danny Phantom was my first fandom, and I remember being 12 talking on Danny Phantom forums to people much too old to be the target audience of the show. So I guess that hasn’t left me either. And the fondest memories I have of Supernatural is how the characters have usurped their creators to become mythic, long past the point they were supposed to die a quiet death. The myth weaving that the Supernatural fandom is doing right now is the legacy that will endure. 

References

I got all of these for free from Google Scholar! 

Judith May Fathallah, “I’m A God: The Author and the Writing Fan in Supernatural.” 

James K A Smith, “A Little Story About Metanarratives: Lyotard, Religion and Postmodernism Revisited.” 2001.

Cameron Lee, “Agency and Purpose in Narrative Therapy: Questioning the Postmodern Rejection of Metanarrative.” 2004.

Harri Englund and James Leach, “Ethnography and the Meta Narratives of Modernity.” 2000.

https://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/mel-brooks-explains-french-mistake-blazing-saddles-blu-ray/

[raven-of-domain-kwaad]

30 Questions tag game

Tagged by: @thedinalixlegacy Thank you very much Dina! Forgot to say I was also tagged by @shanfamilydrama and @gothwarlocks Thanks Jules and Ro!

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 5 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

Forgive me if I double tag anyone @empireswraths, @swtorpadawan, @starknstarwars, @thelastenvoyyy, @palepinkycat (only if you want to do this of course) and anyone else that is interested in doing this.

Name/Nickname: Raven on the internet. Been considering Claire for a while as a legal name because my birth name is stupidly masculine and I hate it.

Gender: Trans fem

Star sign: Aries

Height: 5′8″ or 173 cm

Birthday: 22nd of March

Time: Currently 09:00 as I type this

Favorite bands: Probably The Clash. My dad introduced me to their music as a kid and I’ve enjoyed their stuff ever since. Armadillos became a favorite animal of mine because of their Rock the Casbah music video.,

Favorite solo artists: Probably Lady Gaga.

Song stuck in my head: “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” by Blue Öyster Cult

Last movie: I have no idea. Maybe Star Trek Into Darkness?

Last show: Probably a random cooking show that my partner was watching.

When did I create this blog: May of 2020. That feels like a decade ago.

What do I post: Mainly SWTOR but also general Star Wars stuff and stuff that makes me nostalgic for the old EU.

Last thing I googled: Online meu for an Indian restaurant

Other blogs: My main is @theravenassassin95. It has turned into a Dragon Age / Video game blog. Also @raven-201 is my personal blog.

Do I get asks: When I reblog those ask games, yes. Recently I haven’t reblogged many of those because my brain has been exhausted.

Why I chose my url: Ah, well first my apologies to any Dutch followers out there as I didn’t know Kwaad was a Dutch word. Thank you @thedinalixlegacy for pointing that out to me. 

So I’m an unapologetic fan of the Yuuzhan Vong from the old Star Wars EU. Domain Kwaad was one of the Yuuzhan Vong “Houses” or “Families.” One of my favorite characters, Tahiri Veila, was captured and shaped (brainwashed) by a member of Domain Kwaad to try and turn her into a Yuuzhan Vong. Tahiri’s Yuuzhan Vong name was Riina of Domain Kwaad. I just swapped out Riina for Raven and got my blog name.

Following: 153, several haven’t posted in years though. I should clean that up.

Followers: 66... I’ll ignore the obvious joke potential there

Average hours of sleep: 6 or 7 I think?

Lucky number: 13

Instruments: I used to play the piano because I was a good half Korean kid that did as their mother said. I wish I had continued to play but because I was being forced to do it and had to take technical music tests every year (those damn tests stressed me out so much I had multiple emotional break downs right in front of the test officials) I started to hate it and gave up on piano as soon as I could.

Also used to play the clarinet in school because you had to start with the clarinet before getting to the saxophone which is what I wanted to play. But I got really bored with band and so never advanced beyond the clarinet.

What am I wearing: Pajama pants and t-shirt. I need to buy bigger shirts. I’ve found that as my tits grow (thank you so very much second puberty) they start to chafe against my shirts so I need to wear a bra even when casually relaxing.

Dream job: I never had one. I probably did as a kid but figuring out I was trans and trying to get my mental health under control meant that dream jobs and stuff like that were never something I thought about.

Dream trip: I would really enjoy doing a world tour to see all the Egyptian Obelisks that have spread around the world. Egyptian history is really cool and some of my fondest memories are of listening to historical audio lectures with my dad while driving together. I also remember visiting the Vatican with a friend of mine and seeing one of the Obelisks there. I think my words were “Oh that’s so cool. Let’s go see everything else they stole.”

Favorite food: Depends on my mood. Right now? I’d say Kimchi-jjigae.

Nationality: American... yikes

Favorite song: Going to cheat a little and say the Halo 3: ODST soundtrack. It is a slow almost somber jazz with falling rain in the background that I have used for years to help myself calm down and to stabilize myself whenever I start to fall into depression.

Last book read: Oh man. I haven’t finished a book in forever. If graphic novels and comics count then it would be the Aliens / Vampirella crossover. A surprisingly fun story that I really enjoyed. 

Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in:

1. Star wars. Despite the never ending conflicts, I would love to live in a galaxy where space travel is so readily available.

2. Mass Effect. Yeah Reapers suck but having the ability to explore our galaxy and find new mass relays and species would be so damn cool.

3. Star Trek. Universal health care (I know other countries have it now but not the US)? No capitalism? Space travel? Relatively stable political climate? Yes please.

[beholdme]

All the Many Shades of Gerry - Chapter 8

Chapters: 8/19

Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist

Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Gertrude Robinson, Elias Bouchard

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Library AU, Librarian Jon, Artist Gerry, Trans Male Character, Trans Martin Blackwood, Canon Asexual Character, Asexual Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Ace Subtype - Sex Positive, Polyamory, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Romantic Fluff, Falling In Love, Boys in Skirts, Kissing, Demisexual Gerard Keay, Minor Character Death, Past Character Death, Canon-Typical Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Flirting, Minor Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Adventures in Hair Dying, Happy Ending, Banter, Gerry has a lot of sass, Gerard Keay is Morticia Adams, Jon is a very grumpy Librarian, Martin adores them anyway.

Summary: In which Gerry is a kaleidoscope and Jon and Martin can’t help falling in love with him.

He happens to love them back.

Find it on Ao3

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7]

“We shouldn’t go in,” Jon tells his giggling partners very firmly, but they pay him no mind, and he gets dragged by the hand into the storefront.

The girl working the front desk looks up with a vaguely alarmed look on her face, probably because Gerry and Martin look drunk, despite it being 11 A.M. on a Sunday. They are not, although Jon can understand why someone would think that, as they march right up to the desk, faces flushed, still laughing boisterously.

“Is Melanie in? She’s a good mate of mine.” Gerry tells the receptionist.

“Yes, I’ll check with her if she has a second for you.” And she scuttles off to the back.

“It’s Gerry!” He calls off behind her, before turning to grin at Jon. “Don’t hover in the doorway, babe, Melanie doesn’t bite.”

“Melanie is in fact, perfectly capable of biting,” Jon mutters petulantly, as he moves further into the room to eye the art on the walls. “Especially when you used to date her girlfriend.”

“Oh look, my favorite emo goth boy!” Melanie yells, exploding out the back of the store, all 5 feet of her filled with frenzied energy. Her face immediately sours when she catches sight of Jon, hiding behind Martin. “And my least favourite douche bag.”

“Now, now firecracker, be nice to my boyfriend.” Gerry pulls her into a hug, which leads to a headlock and a swift jab to his ribs.

“I’m very happy to be nice to Martin,” She responds sweetly, blowing him a kiss. “What brings you lot over to darken my doorstep?”

“Piercings,” Gerry tells her with an unnatural amount of glee.

“Jon agreed to let me pierce him?” Melanie asks, perking right up at the idea of causing Jon pain.

“No!” Jon exclaims.

At the same time, Gerry says, “Nah, he’s not interested, but Martin and I were wanting something each.”

“Martin?” Melanie asks dubiously, eyeing up sweet-looking, pink-haired, cardigan-clad Martin.

“Yes,” Martin confirms with false solemnity. “Boyfriends who bleed together stay together.”

“You know,” Melanie remarks, grinning at them, “I have heard about that Pagan ritual.”

Jon has slunk over to a wall of healed artwork and concept designs, managing to avoid Melanie's barbs. As far as he is concerned, the art isn’t as interesting as Gerry’s work. Although, he supposes that what you can make beautiful on a canvas is very different from what you can make beautiful on someone's skin.

“I’ve got a bit of an opening now, what do you want to get?” She asks Gerry.

“Well, you know I’ve been wanting to have my nipples done.” He offers, teal eyes looking slightly wild.

“Yeah?” She grins in triumph, “I’ve been waiting for this day.”

“Yup and Martin has been considering something for his ears.”

“Hmmm,” She wanders over to Martin to examine him. “Open for suggestions?”

“Maybe.”

“They’re a good shape. Double helix?” She looks to Gerry for affirmation.

“Definitely.” He smirks, eyes lighting up with satisfaction.

"Two?" Martin looks slightly dubious.

"If you do them together, the pain is only a tiny bit more, and the healing time is two-for-one," Melanie reassures him, and Jon thinks it's the nicest she's ever sounded. "It's up to you though, of course."

Jon steals himself to brave the fray, going over to take Martin's hand. It's slightly clammy with the nerves that Gerry's enthusiasm has prevented up until this point.

"It won't be so bad, love." He presses a kiss to Martin's cheek, offering his support. "Just a small jab, then it's done."

"Let's do it."

***

There's a brief fuss with consent forms, aftercare instructions, and payment.

"I don't know what you lot," Melanie instructs Gerry firmly, gesturing between them, "get up to in the bedroom, but no twisting, no pulling, no biting, no sucking your nipples for 12 weeks."

Jon blushes, but Gerry and Martin aren't bothered. "Yeah, firecracker, I know the drill. This isn't my first circus."

"Kinky little shit," Jon mutters under his breath, but the goth only winks at him.

Martin's care instructions are less suggestive, and Gerry and Jon both promise to help him with it.

“Martin should go first,” Melanie pronounces, patting the piercing chair as she disinfects her hands and gloves up.

“Me?” Martin asks.

“Yup, yours will be a lot simpler, and I don’t want to traumatise you by making you watch nipple piercings before your turn.”

Martin climbs on the chair, looking a little pale, but resolute. Jon stands on the side not occupied by Melanie, gripping his hand reassuringly. Gerry stands slightly behind the chair, hand on Martin's shoulder.

The ear piercings are almost comically quick and easy. Two quick pinches, less painful than bee stings, and then Martin's ear is pierced and adorned with small hoops.

He sighs with relief and oh's with delight when Gerry hands him a mirror to check them out.

"I love it!" He exclaims, beaming at Jon and Gerry. They smile back at him, each taking a turn to kiss him on the cheek or forehead, their own relief palpable.

"It's just you and me now," Melanie grins at Gerry and gestures for him to strip.

He shucks off his trench coat and black t-shirt, and stands in front of her, completely at ease.

Jon takes a moment to wonder if he has managed to get himself into a relationship with a masochist. Not because of the piercings, but because Gerry seems to genuinely enjoy being friends with Melanie.

The nipple piercings seem to be a much more complicated process, with markings and adjustments, but several rounds of cleaning and disinfecting later, Melanie runs a metal piercing bar through first one nipple and then the other. Gerry hisses with discomfort but stands carefully steady.

She steps back to make sure they look straight and even, before declaring it a success.

"Nice," Gerry says succinctly, looking in the large upright mirror, nodding his head enthusiastically. He and Melanie high five, and she condescends to grip him in a firm hug from the side.

"You sure I can't tempt you, Jon?" Melanie asks him sweetly as she starts to clean up her station, Gerry putting his clothes back on close by.

Knowing she just wants to cause him pain, Jon tells her firmly, "No, thank you."

He is over by the wall again, looking at different art this time, including a picture of a tattoo that catches his focus. It's a playing card amid a complex arm sleeve, an Ace of diamonds, and despite a lifelong disinterest in tattoos, it speaks to him.

"I think you'd look better with a spade, love.” Gerry manages to startle Jon slightly, appearing beside him and wrapping an arm around his waist. Jon marvels at his apparent ability to read his mind.

“You think so?” Jon queries, softly. Gerry hums his affirmation. “It's a bit much though, don't you think?”

"You don't need the whole card, for what you want. Just the A and the spade. Small and bold." He picks up Jon's hand, indicating the spot below his thumb on his wrist.

Gently releasing it, Gerry grabs a pen and scrap of paper and rapidly draws out a solid, simple design.

Jon glances over at Melanie, extremely dubious. "Maybe we can go somewhere else to get it?" He whispers.

Gerry laughs warmly, tapping the small piece of paper. "I could do it for you myself."

Jon blinks at him, rather owlishly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I can give you the tattoo. I'm probably a bit rusty, but I did survive a full tattoo apprenticeship. I’ve done about a million over the years, although I had to give up my machine when I moved to London."

"You did a tattoo apprenticeship?" Martin asks from nearby, tone skeptical.

"Yup, when I was living in Edinburgh. All three years." Gerry tells them casually. "That's where I met Melanie, actually."

Jon and Martin exchange a baffled look, but choose to simply file it under 'Things Gerry tells us out of order.'

“Well, if you can do it...” Jon sounds a bit floaty but he is staring at the design yearningly, which Gerry knows is a good sign.

"Firecracker," Gerry yells over to Melanie, "Can I borrow your machine?"

***

Melanie makes the stencil while Gerry reacquaints himself with the tattoo gun, setting everything up and getting used to the weight of it in his hand again. The rhythm is always the same with tattooing and he feels himself fall into the past a bit.

When everything is ready, he gestures Jon over to sit in the chair, smiling beatifically.

Jon is shaking a little as he slides up onto it, and Gerry presses a reassuring kiss to his hand before he starts the prep.

"You ready?"

Jon gulps. "Yes."

Martin comes over to take Jon's other hand and Melanie hovers nearby, wanting to watch Gerry like a hawk the entire time he's handling her machine. ("It's the true love of her life," Gerry had confessed to Martin earlier. "Don't tell Georgie.")

Gerry follows the same procedure with any tattoo: cleanse, shave, cleanse again. Numbing cream, in this case, to prevent nerve twitches, then alcohol rub down. Eventually, he applies the stencil carefully, making sure to get it straight and in the correct place.

He checks with Jon, making sure that it is where he wants it. Jon confirms, smiling to see the design on his skin for the very first time.

As the buzz of the machine fills the space, Jon and Gerry make eye contact for a moment. Jon's earthy green eyes are wide, and Gerry can almost see where his pulse pounds through his jaguar vein. He stills a moment, really checking Jon's energy.

He's nervous, it's obvious to see, but Gerry can also see the real desire in him, and with a wink, turns to look down at his new canvas. He sets to work, the buzzing of the needle filling the air.

***

"I love it," Jon whispers to Gerry later, lying in the circle of his arms, Martin's warm weight at his back.

"I love it too." Gerry kisses his forehead sweetly, almost asleep. "Martin, what do you think of your ear?"

"I think boyfriends who commit to pain together stay together," Martin mutters drowsily, repeating his sentiment from earlier.

"Ah, yes," Jon mutters, "The great cosmic bond of suffering."

They laugh easily, the hot excitement of the day echoing within them, yet another thread in the colourful tapestry of their relationship.

[sinagrace]

Iceman’s been back on my mind lately. It started with the internet rumor that Shia Labeouf was being considered to play the role of Bobby Drake in a Marvel Cinematic Universe version of the X-Men. My DMs and @Mentions on social media were a mixture of intense reaction and then asking my take on who would make a great Bobby Drake (for the record: in my head I always saw him as a younger Antoni Porowski with a theater background, ‘cuz playing the funny guy with a vulnerable streak requires serious acting shops). My mind went back to the time of BC, when I was doing a lot of touring, and answering this very question because of my work on the Iceman book at Marvel. One thing led to another, and I decided to take a trip further down memory lane to look at my favorite volume of the series: Amazing Friends. Now, I know I’ve spent equal amounts of time publicly stating what a gift working on Iceman was, while also calling out the challenges that came with the experience, but the third volume really was a pure blessing. I was able to take every valuable lesson I learned as a writer, and apply it to telling a story that would be interesting to one person: Me. I’ve been a lifelong X-Men fan, I live and breathe comics, so my own expectations for a return to the series seemed like the only ones to really worry about meeting/ surpassing. The first two volumes had been so bogged down by rotating editors, complex continuity, company-wide events, multiple artists… The third volume was my chance to focus on what an Iceman series was outside of so much context. All that mattered was challenging myself to do an X-Men story that focused on the aspects of the franchise I felt were valuable and relevant, meaning: excuses to have Emma Frost be an asshole and finding an opportunity to make fun of Kitty Pryde’s haircut. Before moving on from Marvel, Axel Alonso made time to call me for a pep talk about the series. I wanted to get the series extended, and he wanted to help me succeed with the ten issues he could commit to. First, he offered an eleventh issue to give me more time on the stands. He took a look at everything I had planned, and basically told me to restructure with an eye for ramping up the pace. My writing background comes from prose and essays/ think pieces… both of which are methodical and provide some allowance from the reader to really take your time and set up the world before diving into the meat. That’s not the case with comics. You gotta work fast. Especially in today’s market, there is less and less room for a retailer to say, “give it two volumes, because shit starts really coming together by the third trade.” That was literally my speech for hooking people on such iconic series as Invincible, Fables, and Strangers in Paradise. Nowadays, every single issue is not a brick to be laid down as foundation so much as a bullet in your gun. Conflicting imagery, but that’s the point. Axel told me to think about the Big Moments in my life and sort out how to inject the mutant metaphor into it and make the most compelling comic book story I could. This was epic advice that I took with me into the new arc, but I struggled a bit with what could be bigger than the “coming out” storyline in volume one. Love was off the table because I wanted to keep Bobby single and ready to mingle. Death was off the table too, because my editor felt like we’d done enough with Bobby’s parents in the first two volumes. Upon looking at my own life, and considering the stuff me and my friends were dealing with, I landed on something a bit more reflective than LIFE or DEATH. I wanted to focus on that moment when a gay guy looks outside of himself and realizes the folks around him may not have it so easy. After everything we’ve been dealing with this summer, Iceman’s “big issue” of the arc feels oddly prescient. Bobby Drake had to reconcile his accidental complicit role in keeping the Morlocks down, and he has to investigate new approaches to being a better ally to those who don’t want to or can’t live under the protection of the X-Men. I used the Morlocks to allegorically speak to the issues that the trans/ NB community face today. Considering that trans folks are facing higher rates of homelessness and murder than other members of the LGBTQIA+ community, all I needed to do was find a perfect villain to treat the Morlocks as “lesser-than.” Cue Mister Sinister, who I wrote as particularly Darwinist with a major flair for interactive theater. While Amazing Friends definitely is the most fun I’ve had working on the book, it was also full of the heaviest shit I’ve written about. I’m so grateful that my editor let me use Emma Frost for a story about the trauma of gay conversion therapy with her brother Christian, but I’m still annoyed he wouldn’t let me put her in a sickening Givenchy outfit for her reveal. Similarly, creating the Madin character required that I chat with several mental healthcare professionals and members of the NB community to respectfully portray them as a resilient and fleshed out hero. I included personal lessons that I learned from years of the therapy (the sandcastle / sea image, a Jay Edidin fave moment). My editor and I weren’t always aligned, but we definitely were on each other’s side. He understood what I was trying to do and asked questions when something flew over his head, and he even had the good instincts to stop me from going too heavy handed with the ending. My original idea for the arc’s finale was to have Bobby become permanently scarred in his fight with Sinister, where he’d have a cool ice gash running across his face or something, a la Squall from Final Fantasy 8. The goal was to show Iceman stripping himself of his ability to pass as non-mutant to save the Morlocks, but the Mutant Pride fight scene being a stand-in for the Stonewall Riots kind of already made enough of a statement. Plus, no one in editorial wanted to deal with remembering to track his scar in other books. At first I tried to balk at his point of view, but when I looked over my original notes for the series, the point was to focus on optimism and hope. Giving Bobby a permanent scar and emphasizing the notion of sacrifice was too bleak a message for a series wherein the hero carbo-loads hoagies while riding an ice scooter and mutant drag queens emcee local festivals. Of course, the crowning achievement of the series… my mutant drag queen :) I’ve witnessed a lot when it comes to the world of pop culture and myth-making, and I 100% believe that you can’t plan the success of something. I’ve seen bands forced into breaking up because labels spend six figures failing at making listeners connect with an album. I witnessed firsthand how The Walking Dead was built from relatively humble beginnings as a buzzy cable drama into a literal international phenomenon over the course of its first three seasons. Everyone hopes for the best, but you never know how something will land with audiences. When the Shade character took off, I was truly astounded. Things I posted on Instagram while half-asleep became official quotes on major news sites. Queens and cosplayers were interpreting her like Margot Robbie had unveiled a new Harley Quinn lewk. The impact was so legit and immediate that we had to jump in and give Shade a proper Marvel hero alias, to truly welcome her into the X-Men canon. Hence the name change to Darkveil. (Funny story: I tried to fight hard for Madame X as an alias, but CB didn’t want another Agent X / “X-Name” character. Three months later, Madonna announced the Madame X album. Phew!) There was a time where I felt uncertain that the folks in charge at Marvel would bring Darkveil into any stories outside of the ones I wrote. My understanding was that Hickman was like the Cylons and had A Plan-- one that didn’t include her character. I made peace with my contribution to the Marvel Universe being contained, but then someone on social media pointed out that Darkveil showed up in an issue of Marvel Voices. After breaking down and reading Hickman’s House of X, I saw that his Plan was one of endless possibilities, and that he was moving EVERY character into new and dynamic places. I have hope now that he sees the possibilities with Darkveil, and takes advantage of her and all of her many body pouches. Amazing Friends really is my favorite thing I’ve done for the Big Two. I made a lifelong friend out of artist Nate Stockman (DC, please hire us for a Plasticman book), and I got to run a victory lap with the most encouraging and supportive readers out there. It was worth every dreadful conversation, every shitty thing a person said to me online, and all of the fun nonsense that goes into being creative for a living. Being stuck at home in quarantine has given me a lot of time to reflect on the gift that my career to date has been, and I feel so grateful to be where I am today. Other people may groan when they have to talk about something they’ve moved on from, but not me. I made people happier, I got to work with my favorite characters at Marvel, and and I'll say it again: it’s a frickin’ gift to make people move from your work. So, I will engage every tweet or message asking me my thoughts about who should play Bobby Drake in the Marvel Cinematic Universe… I’ll just never have a good answer.

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Sixty

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

March 20th, 2002

Emile redid the math, looking over the numbers over and over again. It was possible. He’d have to be smart about investing money to get the extra funds he needed, and he’d have to skimp and save every last penny he could, but by the end of the year, he’d be able to buy a shop. If Remy agreed, they could make it so he could start his own shop. Emile would buy the property, but the rest could be all Remy’s.

There was the matter of getting this done without Remy being the wiser, however. If Remy caught on to what Emile was doing he’d insist that Emile save the money for something else. But if he got Remy to save his money, and Emile saved his own, they could do this. They could get Remy an epic origin story that rivalled the greats in the comics.

  April 11th, 2002

Emile checked the time he had left on the computer at the library. It wasn’t a whole lot, but it should be enough. He had been looking into this off and on for months, saving away most of his extra funds that didn’t go to dates purely to fund this crazy adventure. He googled private investigators in the area, looking around to make sure Remy wasn’t nearby. He opened his email account and looked through the listings, finding the one he had looked up before and found good reviews from. He copied the investigator’s email address into the computer and composed a quick email, asking about discreteness and the rate that the guy charged.

He knew it might take a couple days for the guy to get back to him, so he logged off the computer and blew out a breath. He doubted the man would say no, and he had a good record of finding people who had supposedly dropped off the face of the Earth. But Emile still worried. After all, PI’s could get very expensive very quickly, and Emile didn’t have access to his trust fund until the third of May.

Determination still drove him to send the email, though. Emile knew that this could work. It might take a while, but it could be done. If anyone could find Toby, it was this Dice character. He had a good eye, and he knew how to use it to find a trail. The reviews Emile had found said as much, at any rate.

He walked out of the computer room with a sigh. He could come back tomorrow and see if Dice had replied, but Emile wished he didn’t have to wait in limbo.

Remy bounded over to him with excitement in his eyes, and Emile smiled. Remy was growing bouncier as time went on. The holidays were mere memories by this point, there were no huge, groundbreaking milestones to stress either of them out, it was just...quiet. They were free to be weird, to be excited, to be however they wanted. And Remy seemed to get bouncy whenever he found something he particularly liked, which tended to be a new recipe book, or an idea for coffee that Remy had never considered before. Sure, he would still get excited over comics, but there weren’t too many comics at the library, so Emile suspected it was one of the former things that had Remy hyped up. “What did you find this time, Rem?” Emile asked with a good-natured laugh.

“I found a book on the history of the uses of caffeine in the science section!” Remy exclaimed, dragging Emile to his table. “It’s super cool!”

“Since when do you browse the science section?” Emile asked.

“Since I was bored looking at mystery novels, wandered around, and ended up there. My eyes found this, and I’ve been taking a look through it, and it’s amazing! Did you know that caffeine is actually supposed to be a poison? That’s why you can’t feed it to animals! Humans are just weird enough that we can consume it and not get hurt!” Remy’s eyes lit up like fireworks on the fourth of July. “Like, science and history? Usually not my thing, if I go into nonfiction usually it means I’m looking for recipes, but this is so cool! Coffee beans have been used for centuries, if not millenia! How crazy is that?! Coffee comes all the way from Ethiopia, and now it’s used all over the world! It’s...I just...it’s so cool, Emile!”

“I know that,” Emile said, grinning. “Purely by your enthusiasm. I’ve never seen you this excited, not even over comics!”

“I never got to learn interesting things in school,” Remy said. “Even in college, I knew everything they were teaching me, but I never knew about this stuff before!”

Emile just nodded along patiently. “You know, if I had known you’d get this excited about learning things you wanted to learn about, I would have insisted we make regular trips to the library forever ago. Do you want to make them weekly, now?”

Remy’s eyes were wide. “Oh, could we? I doubt this is the only book about this sort of thing here, I bet I could find all sorts of cool stuff in the history section, and learn how they used to use coffee and the like in Ye Olden Times, maybe improve or work on some of those ideas until I can make them function, do you have any idea how cool that would be?!”

“It would be amazing,” Emile said with a laugh. “You know, though, you might have to save more of your money if you want to experiment with that sort of thing. We might not go out on so many dates.”

“I don’t care,” Remy breathed. “If I saved money, I could discover dozens of new recipes with good ingredients! I could almost open my own shop if I figured out those sorts of things!”

“That would be amazing,” Emile said with a grin. “Just remember, you don’t want to save up just enough to experiment and then not have any extra funds to repeat what you did and get that good sort of food again!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Remy agreed. “I’ll probably be saving up for several months, just to be sure.”

“Yeah, like...hold off until around...say, six months from now? Then experiment to your heart’s content. And don’t forget to keep track of what works and what doesn’t!” Emile said.

“I know, Emile, it’s my system,” Remy said, grinning.

“I know you know, but a reminder never hurts,” Emile said with a shrug. “Anyway, I’ve done what I came to do, papers are finished, research is done, and I even got to send out a couple emails to friends. You ready to go?”

“Yeah, sure,” Remy said, closing the book and leaving it on the table.

They walked out into the parking lot and Emile laughed as it started to rain. “April showers,” he said.

“We live in the city, Emile, how many May flowers can there possibly be?” Remy asked.

Emile shrugged. “The first half of the rhyme applies, at least,” he said. “Still want to head to the shelter today?”

“Can we at least drive and park nearby? I don’t want to get absolutely drenched in the walk from home there, and then dry off only to get drenched again on the walk back,” Remy said.

Emile rolled his eyes up in thought and his fingers twitched. “I’m not sure what parking lots are near the shelter, do you know?”

“Yeah, I know a couple,” Remy said.

“Cool,” Emile said, tossing Remy the car keys and getting in.

Remy fell into the driver’s seat and he stuck the keys in the ignition, but he didn’t move beyond that. Emile glanced over. “You good, Rem?”

“Yeah,” Remy said, starting to life and starting the car. “Just thinking.”

“About anything in particular?” Emile asked.

Remy turned slightly red. “Toby,” he admitted. “I’m just wondering what he would think about me doing these sort of things with you. If he’d approve.”

“Why wouldn’t he?” Emile asked.

Remy sighed. “For all his protection and love, he still sometimes doesn’t understand certain things. Like, he gave me ‘The Talk’ when I told him I was gay. But he’d still make jokes in poor taste about gay or trans people. He understands that homeless people aren’t all homeless just because they’re lazy and can’t find a job, but he’s not proactive when it comes to helping them. He’s...not our parents, but he has some bad habits. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him! And he’s definitely gotten better the few times I would take him aside and explain why he shouldn’t say certain things. Fact remains that he’s got some views that aren’t...up to date.”

Emile didn’t know how to respond to that. Did that mean that Toby was actually like Remy’s parents? Did he hurt Remy, but Remy was so wrapped up in the fact that Toby kept him physically safe that he disregarded any emotional damage? “Do you think he’s capable of change? Realistically speaking.”

“Hm? Oh, yeah,” Remy agreed. “I’ve seen him change myself. From constantly making gay jokes when he was a kid to showing me compassion when I came out, all because one or two of his friends wound up being gay. He’s capable of change, for sure. He just...doesn’t always think about whether or not he should change if something doesn’t immediately affect him or the people he cares about. He’s not like my parents, Emile.”

“I never said he was,” Emile said.

Remy glanced at him. “I know you were thinking about it, though. It’s not a big deal, you’re concerned for me and you didn’t directly call Toby a bad person. You checked to make sure he wasn’t like my parents before making a decision. I appreciate that.”

Emile nodded. “Of course. I try not to make snap judgements about people, but I did realize I made more snap judgements than I thought, especially when we talked about your parents. Now, I try and make it a point to gather information to make an informed decision, rather than just listening to one side of the story and making plans and expressing feelings based only on that.”

“Huh,” Remy said. “You’re capable of change, too. Nice to know.”

“Did you think I wasn’t?” Emile asked, confused.

“Not particularly,” Remy said, “But it’s always nice to have confirmation.”

Emile nodded, and when Remy parked in a lot that was just a block from the shelter, Emile arched his eyebrows. “I didn’t realize this lot was that close,” he said.

“This may be a city, Emile, but it’s a small one. I know my way around it pretty well,” Remy said, getting out of the car.

Emile grabbed Remy’s hand as they walked to the shelter. “One of the many things I love about you,” Emile said. “You’re incredibly smart.”

“I’m not,” Remy said, turning red. “I know how to use a checkbook, but that’s about it.”

“You’re smart with numbers, and with food, and you enjoy learning, just not conventionally,” Emile said. “You’re sharp, Rem, don’t sell yourself short.”

“Look, Emile, I can’t make a career out of any of those things. And before you mention there are lots of jobs where you need to be good with numbers, I’m not becoming an accountant.”

Emile laughed. “I wasn’t going to suggest that,” he said. “You’d die of boredom doing someone else’s financials within weeks. And I like you alive, thank you very much.”

Remy shook his head with a grin. “I don’t know what you see in me, Emile.”

“A brilliant man with a heart of gold who just has a little problem with expressing himself,” Emile said. “Someone who cares for people once he gets to know them, but is also pragmatic in how, exactly, he goes about helping those in need of advice. You make sure that you’re taken care of before you help others, and you keep my bleeding heart in check. You’re my partner in crime, my partner in general, and I couldn’t be happier about that fact.”

Remy was as red as a tomato and he groaned. “Emile,” he complained. “I can’t be blushing when we get to the shelter, it’ll ruin my cool image!”

Emile laughed. “Rem, since when have you ever had a cool image there? You may be the top chef, but all the kids know you’re smitten for me, the adults know that you can help with financials and will at the drop of a hat if they merely ask. They know you’re nice.”

“Nice and cool are not mutually exclusive,” Remy retorted. “The kids have called me cool before, but if I show up with a huge blush over my face, they might see through the ruse!”

“And what would they see if they saw through it?” Emile asked.

“A gay disaster,” Remy deadpanned.

Emile burst out laughing. Remy always knew exactly what to say.

[ourimpavidheroine]

I got two different Asks about my headcanons for Wu and one of them was from like a week and a half ago, sorry about that, Anon! It’s been A Week. I’ll just answer this way, it’s easier than trying to cobble together two separate asks.

In any case, yes, I can give a sort of quick and dirty reference to Wu as I’ve written him in my fanfic. I don’t generally like doing this kind of thing but I get that people don’t want to dive in without at least a little bit of a clue as to how I see him. But I want to note that my first fic, Please Excuse My Penmanship, was written right after the show’s final episode in December of 2014 (I sat on it for two months before publishing it) and because of that it is not comic-compliant nor does it reference any sort of Word of God things that Bryke said after the show ended/on the DVD commentary.

I’ve been writing this utter behemoth of collected fics for over five years now and have done so.much.research. (Some of the history from Imperial China, for example, was so juicy that I wholeheartedly stole it and worked it into my fic.) My fic has fluff, it has angst, it has found family, it has slowly revealed backstory, it has politics, queer characters, neurodiverse characters, disabled characters, oh and a good half of it is focused on the Beifong family, so there’s them, too.

What my fic isn’t, however, is a crackship. I take it seriously; probably too seriously for someone who just wants a quick fun read on their phone between classes. So that’s good to know before diving in. 

Also, much of it is written in first person via Wu’s diaries. Some of you will probably just scroll right past this entire post now because of that but I’ll say this much: I’ve gotten, over the years, a great deal of comments from people telling me they normally loathe first person but loved Wu’s. So. It’s probably worth a try. In my not so humble author’s opinion.

With all that said - here he is!

Wu was born in the autumn of 156 (making him 4 years younger than Mako). His paternal grandfather was King Kuei’s son by his queen (making him a full-blood younger brother to Wu’s great-aunt). His paternal grandmother was a kitchen maid who was given consort status after her son was born. Both of Wu’s grandparents died before he was born. Wu’s father was the only royal of his generation to make it to adulthood and he was assassinated when Wu was five years old. Wu saw very little of him and has very few memories of him. 

Wu’s mother was a very high-ranking nobleman’s daughter whose estate was near Gaoling. She had much older parents and was an only child. (Through her Wu is very distantly related to the Beifongs and also to the Northern Water Tribe’s royal family. The premise being here is that all of the nobility around the world is related if you go far back enough.) She dies two days after Wu is born. She was very, very wealthy (like Bezos level wealthy) and Queen Hou-Ting sees to it that all of that wealth is taken care of in trust for Wu and it is still his even after the fall of Ba Sing Se.

Wu is Hou-Ting’s only direct heir and is raised in the Palace at Ba Sing Se. He has an extremely strict childhood (he never leaves the Upper Ring and only very rarely leaves the palace itself) and while he is extremely well-educated has very little contact with the outside world, much as his great-grandfather Kuei did.

When Hou-Ting is assassinated by the Red Lotus Wu is fifteen; he is rushed out of Ba Sing Se to the safety of Republic City, where he is mostly left on his own and goes to utter and complete pieces. He goes through several bodyguards before he is assigned Mako; by that time he is sixteen, has cut of his traditional queue, only wears modern suits, spends money like water, and watches every single mover/reads every single cheap novel/listens to the radio non-stop - which is where he learns all of that slang. He has zero social skills that do not involve him ruling a nation (which he is terrified to do). His weirdass behavior during Season 4 of TLOK is explained by his not having the first clue as to how real people live and thinking that he can learn by watching movers and reading romance novels. (We all know how that goes for him.)

He is an extremely self-centered person but not a selfish one; he also has a terrific crush on Mako that he has absolutely no idea how to handle due to inexperience. 

NOTE: I have not written homophobia into my version of this universe and so there is no coming out angst for any of my characters, canon or OC. There are no coming out stories at all, in fact. Many of my characters (canon and OC) are queer and I am very matter of fact about it; gay marriage is legal, polyamory is legal (although not necessarily practiced everywhere), trans people openly exist and it is simply par for the course.

By the time Wu leaves for Ba Sing Se to dismantle the monarchy he is just about to turn nineteen; it will take him two years to put provincial governments in place with an entire cadre of advisors and abdicate. He dislikes Ba Sing Se and recognizes that if he stays he will be under constant pressure to rule in one form or another, so he relocates to Republic City for good. (Mako does have something to do with where he relocates, but Wu wasn’t planning on sticking around regardless.) Many, many people are unhappy with him dismantling the monarchy and there’s a lot of political stuff in my fic regarding the Royalists.

Wu and Mako do get married. Eventually they will have four children together and Wu will have another spouse. (This is common among nobility in the former Earth Kingdom and is expected; it is not illegal in Republic City but isn’t the norm among the natives.) He buys Toph Beifong’s old mansion from Lin (her parents built it for Toph when she was pregnant with Lin but it has been sitting empty since Toph left Republic City) and remodels it and that’s where they live.

In my fic Wu has very curly hair that he pomades within an inch of its life (I’ve been loving all the fanart going around now where his hair curls!!) and he whines about it a lot. He is a very finicky eater and never really gets over bossing people around. He does a lot of charity work and is on all of The Best Committees. He’s an extrovert who loves parties and hosts a lot of them. He has ADHD and suffers from PTSD and writes and publishes very popular romance novels under a penname for several years before his family finds out about it. He will make an effort to cut the slang out of his speech and will eventually go back to sounding like a very well educated royal. He gets real pissy if people refer to him as “your Majesty” instead of “Your Highness” since he abdicated. He has zero idea how money works (and never will) but is known to bribe the fuck out of people to get what he wants (something that will give his husband gray hair). He does not hold himself accountable to anyone or anything and that will never really change for him. He mostly gets away with it because he does have a lot of charm for a dude who believes that he’s above everyone else.

He is a fairly unreliable narrator, bless his skinny little ass.

His best friend is Huan Beifong, and you’ll just have to read the fic to find out about that.

My pissy Wu can best be summed up by this gif of Prince: