#and talking about things like failed relationships or my mental health and self esteem is easy

[jayskai]

i want to write a comic about being trans but ughhh why is it so hard ,,,

[variousqueerthings]

I am FULLY coming at this from my own projection (but ain’t that just the way) but I cannot see hawkeye and margaret outside of the lens of mutual recognition of complicated queer identities -- 

and initially that recognition is hampered by each of their own baggage (margaret and her military upbringing and her over-reliance on the identity that men give her and the tension between being strong-willed and feeling like the army can give her a certain freedom, and also wanting to conform, because that’s what she should be doing and may be how she gets a good life despite not being who she really is, etc -- hawkeye with his anti-authoritarianism-as-how-his-brain-works-symptom and pacifism and overall disdain for all things the military represents and some kind of mental health issues getting worse and unacknowledged sexism) -- 

but even in those early seasons they’re drawn together over and over when the situation demands it of them, like the narrative is forcing them to see past those things and instead bond over their similarities -- consummate professionals who care deeply for human life -- 

and once that boundary has been crossed they start crossing others, because now they’re interested in knowing about the other person. hawkeye understanding that margaret needs to be in tight control of her feelings and fears/rightfully fears opening up to others, because she knows and probably has direct experience with judgement as a woman in this space in which she has to be twice as much, but also tread carefully, and also that margaret is very fun and very loyal and very easy to work with and that actually it’s great that she’s someone who likes being in charge, because he doesn’t like that -- and margaret seeing how hawkeye is struggling and also that she has been putting too much of her self-esteem/self-respect into the hands of a system that kills people and war is not actually what she wants, she wants purpose and respect and hawkeye gives her those things (eventually), and he’s also very fun and very loyal 

and once those boundaries have been crossed there’s that unspoken Thing seemingly uncovered, which loops back to how they were constantly thrown together at the start, the way they were specifically buffeted by systems of expectation that margaret desperately tried to fulfil and fails to, and hawkeye desperately runs from, only to find each other standing at the other end of those journeys in a way that isn’t romantic and was never claiming to be romantic (both at the end of comrade of arms and the end of the story generally), but doesn’t really have words for exactly what it is either, but it’s far closer to what they want than what they were trying to do/trying to avoid

and then the boundary of “you and I are becoming good friends and have been drawn together by some form of attraction,” is crossed into sex (notably during an extremely high-danger/high-stress situation) and then their two ways of doing things (barging into it/extreme avoidance of it) come to a head, but then it’s dealt with! inexplicably it’s not danced around or turned into longform will-they-won’t-they or ongoing Tension, the tension is released!

and once again a boundary is crossed, except this time it’s into this unnamed new land of devotion that needs no name and desires exactly what it currently is! (possibly the healthiest relationship either of them has with a peer)

and the way I come at it with my own experience I obviously cannot help but see the aromantic in that mutual, unspoken understanding -- but also it’s so strong in the way they talk about friendship, the way hawkeye and margaret at the end of comrades in arms are framed in ways I usually only see in romantic relationships, but explicitly non-romantic, them in “inga,” them in “stars and stripes,” them in “UN, the night and the music,” -- and then overlaid with the fact that they just really enjoy kissing each other a lot, they’ll go at it for 30+ seconds of screentime while saying goodbye, just because they want to

hence my feeling about said mutual recognition -- devotion and respect that is unnamed, but also free of expectations of any kind. they simply are with each other and it’s like discovering freedom

[zkes]

ACADEMIC PRESSURE AND STRESS: Welcome to High School

Academic pressure is a serious issue among high school students that affect their well-being.

Also known as academic stress, this is derived from the desire for perfection, parental pressure, demands of school works, assignment, exams, reporting, quizzes, and the desire to achieve academic goals.

High expectations from parents, teachers, and peers make students insecure, anxious and pressured which impact their mental health. Oftentimes, these pressures are compounded by other issues cause suffering to teenagers which include personal relationships, family problems, and health issues, among others. When left unattended, academic pressure can lead students to nervous breakdowns, panic attacks, burnouts, and depression.

They expect highly from me, "push yourself". I often find myself in a situation where I aim for the high expectations and destroy my mental health. If the first thing my parents ask me after a day in school is “how was your day?” instead of “how did you do on your math test?”, I feel like they place more importance on my grades over anything else. I believe I'm worthless if I do not meet my parent's academic (over)expectations.

I know that success is often measured in terms of the highest scores on the most difficult subjects and a number of extracurricular activities. "Anything better than failing". Despite of my hard work and effort, I'm plagued by the guilt that I'm "not good enough" or "have not done enough," I gave everything, my sweat and my energy I sacrifice my sleep and I couldn't eat at the right time for academic works. They said na “tayo ang gumagawa ng grades natin and nag eencode lang sila.” that words can't convinced me kasi hindi ako mag sasacrifice ng ganito for that undeserving grades, nasaamin nga ba ang mali?

Being bullied affect everything about me; how I see myself, my friends, school, and my future. Depression, low self-esteem that may last a lifetime, shyness, physical illnesses, and threatened or attempted self-harm. I experienced to miss school, I saw marks drop or even leave school because I have been bullied. Only when students learn to respect and accept each other will bullying become reduced?

Being backstabbed by those I thought were people that I could get along with. I stayed true and positive, yet unaware of how I became a topic of inconsiderate, untrue, and self-centered people. The kind of people that are two-faced being "good" yet talk bad whenever you're not around. People that will make someone you never met hate you. People that will even talk literally about how you fold your sleeves. I thank my friends as they are the ones that had believed and supported me throughout my Senior High Journey. My friends that will face and correct me whenever I did something wrong. My friends that became my helping hand on my problems, and celebrated with me on my success.

Through this journey I learned that, Don’t pressure yourself too much. This is one of the reason nowadays students experience they always pressuring themselves to be a better students but they didn’t know sometimes they forget to have a time for themselves to enjoy their teenage life. To lessen your stress and pressure that you experiencing, just enjoy every time you’re learning new things. Get some friends that can help you when you’re experiencing difficulties in your studies. And always seek help from Him.

[house-of-slayterr]

✨: do you have any advice to others (especially young people) about how to recover?

🌊: have you ever dated others with mental health issues?

My advise for recovery may be a little basic, but sometimes the simplest things are the things people forget the most. But just remember progress and recovery aren’t always linear. It looks different for everyone. Wether your improving your mental health, physical health, fighting addiction, relapsing isn’t the end of the world. So don’t beat yourself up about it. And anyone who does make you feel bad for it, isn’t worth keeping around, because they’re actually hindering your growth.

TW: Self harm and Assault

One of my primary addictions right now is self harm. Wether that be more stereotypical SH like cutting or burning. Or less traditional methods like forcing myself to stay awake, not eating, turning in assignments late, or throwing out projects I spent a long time working on because they “aren’t good enough”

When I first started the road to recovery it felt almost impossible. My therapist at the time wasn’t the best, and I felt like if I talked about it to friends and family I’d either trigger them or disappoint them. And everytime I “failed” I would relapse so much harder. Because I figured “we’ll you already did it, might as well punish yourself more” which wasn’t healthy in the slightest. But my new therapist taught me that it’s ok to mess up sometimes. What matters is that you’re trying and you want to get better.

One more piece of advice that I think is super scary. Reach out for help if you need it. It’s easier said than done. And sometimes things are going to suck and you’re gonna go to the wrong people for help. But don’t give up. There will always be a therapist, a psychiatrist, a medication, a coping strategy out there that is bound to help you. It’s exhausting but you’re worth all the effort you put into yourself. It’s ok to have to go in patient sometimes. It doesn’t make you a burden or a failure. It just means you need a little extra help, and that’s ok.

I have dated other people with mental illness before. Those relationships didn’t work out, and I don’t think it’s fair to say it was the mental illnesses fault. Relationships are complicated for me because I can’t tell if I’m aromantic, or if I’ve just had so many bad experiences that I’ve scared myself away from dating.

But I do think relationships like that can work out if your both in a good place. Or if at least one of you is. But if you’re both in a bad place, it’s better to wait and come back and try latter. My first girlfriend made me feel bad for things that I now speculate might be autism. Which is something about me I can’t change.

My second partner was a little worse for wear than I was. And experiencing one of their panic attacks was the scariest thing for me, because at the time I really cared for them. And the thought of them feeling that way made me panic and triggered my PTSD. That situation wasn’t safe for either of us. If my dad hadn’t been home it could have been very bad. But my ex was also manipulative. And they used their mental illness to force me to sleep with them, even though they knew from the start I was asexual and not comfortable with that stuff. They did stuff like threaten to hurt themselves or emotionally manipulate me into doing things.

They were my first kiss and now that experience is forever ruined for me. And my first sexual experience was also ruined because I was forced into it. I literally cried myself to sleep after and was so disgusted with myself. But they knew with my history of abuse that I would be easy to manipulate and with my self esteem low at the time they took advantage of that. But like I said, I can’t blame that fully on their BPD. Because that’s isn’t fair to people who have that disorder and don’t do those things. The same way I can’t hate all narcissist just because my mother was some and happened to be abusive.

So tread carefully when dating other people with mental illness. You’re not a bad person if you have to step back in any type of relationship to take care of yourself. Just as long as you aren’t a jerk about it. If that makes any sense. Sorry the answers got so deep but I wanted to answer them honestly.

[miss-sunny-drops]

I, forever alone woman

In the jungle of reddit, one will find a variety of communities. There seems to be nothing that cannot accommodate anything. Cars, food, pets, pimple popping, vents, etc. They are more correctly called subreddits. Oh, there are some that are about relationships, too.

I myself dived into this orange, occasionally banana-themed jungle two years ago. Initially, I simply tried to get some help and opinions about my appearance. (Nothing helped unless you count receiving confirmation about my unattractiveness.) Sometime after that, I realized that I was indeed ugly inside and out. I was never capable of having a relationship or a boyfriend, and I shivered at the fact that I will become an old maid. My family will not always be around me, and I will never have children or a husband - I saw I was destined to be alone.

In my search for a place for myself, here enters ForeverAloneWomen. I could say that I perfectly fit the subreddit's description. 😂

We are a women-only sub aimed at women who struggle to bond with others, start relationships, feel attractive... We talk about depression, late virginity or very limited experience, low self-esteem, social anxiety, body image issues, handicaps, mental disorders.

My Personal Experience

As an adult, I would say that my childhood self had experienced a pretty tough life. Perhaps yes, you can still call me lucky. I did not have to work, I never really had a serious problem with money, I could eat abundantly, I was generally healthy, and I attended school and was able to reach college. With all that said, people can say I belong to the fortunate ones. We weren't well-off either; there was still so much I could not afford and there are things that are normal for others to have but not for me. For example, I cannot dress up like other girls did. Fashion back then was awful though. Haha. However, even now in my 20s, all I can wear are shirts and pants. Only now that I started working that I began wearing feminine blouses. In another specific instance (which can somehow describe my situation), my beautiful cousins could just sit down and worry about their swimsuits and accessories on our family vacation. While there was I who would get scolded for not helping with chores. My own mom would say that I look like garbage - I was dark-skinned, stinky, and I wasn't girly. The pictures can prove this. Additionally, since we aren't money rich, I grew up being aware that I still had to work harder than others. I was not born to be a pretty girl and have a charmed life.

The becoming of a forever alone woman

My teenage years were mostly spent in a public science high school. I don't intend to brag but, once people know where I study, they immediately assume that I am pretty smart. I guess I was a bit smart, to be honest. Well, I had to. I mean, there was nothing much I can be proud of about myself so the child me found comfort in studying and getting good grades.

That science high school was a humbling experience. There, I was barely mediocre! Almost at the bottom of my class. I was also pressured, I couldn't sleep much anymore, and I was indeed smelly and dirty. Despite the prestige, it was still a public school with a lack of funding for good ventilation and comfort room essentials. Anyways, yes, I was such an ugly kid. (But cute! With my backpack, sling bag, extra briefcase, and lunch box... I looked like a turtle.🐢)

It was also during these years that my mental health started failing. (Trigger Warning: self harm) Because of the stress and all the all-nighters I had to do, I developed this self-destructing disorder called trichotillomania. I would pull my hair every time I study, do my homework, and when I am procrastinating, etc. I also binged ate to cope with my stress and I was unaware of it back then. I thought I was simply eating a lot for stress relief but it was too much that I gained weight too fast. In 9th grade, I recall having self-harm habits and suicidal thoughts. Not to going to delve into it so much; maybe you can picture the struggle. Nonetheless, I pushed through.

My social life was okay though. I had one best friend and she was definitely more than enough. Then, in tenth grade, my circle got bigger. I had another close friend in my class who later got me and my best friend absorbed in her circle. They were in another section though. The sad part. If I want to see them, it can only be during lunchtime and dismissal. It could have been better if we were classmates because I was usually a loner who was challenged to find groupmates for group projects and activities.

I wish I can share pictures here but I only have very few because I hated being in pictures. Maybe next time! I'll share some.

Prom? Ball? I never attended those. I thought we could not afford a gown. Even renting was still kind of expensive. I was also insecure about my body because I had acne all over my back and my face. My head was also balding because of trichotillomania. Besides, even with my own circle of friends, I still felt like an outcast. (Sorry, friends!) It's not their fault. It's just that I had different interests and they had known each other longer and deeper. They were still my saviors for the rest of my high school days though, I love them dearly.

If I wanted to dance, I could only do it in our family's bedroom when I am alone. And if I wanted to feel accompanied in those moments, there was my pillow. The pillow that rebounded my own body heat for my comfort, and the one that had wiped my tears while I fall asleep.

High school days went by. In my 11th and 12th grades, I was already burnt out and excited to go to college. Not much story to tell because I was already exhausted to care during the last two years of high school. Yes. Imagine me pressing the fast-forward button. I swear nothing much relevant during those times. Only tons of paperwork and worries about college enrollment. Then, boom. Yes, finally, I graduated from high school.

Now, for the story-killing part, I would say that I wasn't a great person to be with either. Sorry. 😅 My personality was not likable in general and it took years for me to be who I am today (and I am still pretty much unlikable! Hahaha! Although I am hoping that I am better now). My teenage self had a lot of unlearning to do and her own reality to reflect on. She fought her battles and she won each by surviving. Then she had more coming. More unlearning. More struggles. More calling for contemplation.

Honestly, those cycles of unlearning and transforming felt unfair on my part because I was not an awful person out of my own fault. Just probably, any girl who had been belittled for her appearance (e.g., called ugly, trash, pig, and other bad names) would likely become more defensive herself. In my case, I got into conflicts, not because I love the drama, but because I felt I was being stepped on or because I want to win at least in those particular circumstances. However, like I said earlier, I learned little by little, and today, I believe I am a better person in terms of personality and attitude. (with still a lot to work on though 😬)

Final Words

These high school/teenage years, I consider them a vital component to the FA I am today. Others would probably cite virginity, their dating experience, and their numerous heartbreaks, the like... For me, this is my contribution to that pool of FA stories. How I view those years, it seems to me that I was built to be alone. Never to be dependent on my friends (and it must be a mistake when I start becoming too clingy). Intimacy is just plain weird and borderline cringe, no matter how lovely it seems in my imagination. Now in my 20s, I sometimes desire to have a partner. I don't know, I never had one yet I feel like it must be wonderful to have a boyfriend and do 'couple' stuff. If I must list down my priorities, it's already preset to only contain my family, my career plans (formerly plans for my education, but I already graduated so...), and my few friends. Romance still feels out of the line and gross in actuality, most especially for an unattractive woman like me. I had a number of crushes too and that's all my feelings can afford to reach. Since then as well, my mental health never really recovered. Mental health-wise, trichotillomania is still haunting me, and sorry for the drama, but I do suspect I have depression. Just never had the resources to get it diagnosed and treated.

Do I feel sad for being FA? Yes, I do. Do I feel like it's a worthless life to be FA? Not so much anymore. When being FA became clear to me, I couldn't accept it at first. Then here I am today, or rather my mind and heart specifically, somehow agreeing that I deserve a chance to live unceasingly. There is still so much I wish to try like traveling, eating and having new comfort foods, having my own dogs, buying my parents their needs and wants, taking part in various social causes, making this blog grow, watching all the awesome shows on a wide-screen TV, and learning so many hobbies. Life has so much to offer beyond relationships and getting married and having children before reaching my 30s - at least, this is how I see it as of now. Although I have to work harder to reach these (which I dread. 😆)

I wonder if I can edit this so I can add pictures once I am more comfortable. For now, these are all that I can share. Maybe I can also write a continuation, but so far, I don't envision my blog place to be some sort of depressing digest. This initiative to blog though was immensely inspired by being FA. Thus, it's probably why being a FAW was the first topic I decided to write about.

If you're reading this, thanks for reaching this point. Sorry if I bored the hell out of you. Hahaha, still, thanks for your time.

If you're a FAW too, feel free to drop a 'hi' or whatever. The subreddit has a discord! And I am a constant human there too. Just some side note, the top mods deserve the credit because they founded this community and they gave me this sense of identity. Otherwise, I would have stayed feeling like an alien outcast.

Bye for now! Be safe and be good always.

[hillarysss]

RAHU IN THE HOUSES🦹🏽‍♀️

Heyy guys I’m back :)) I’ve just been focusing on myself lately. And I’ve been wanting to talk about more Vedic astrology since I know some of my followers really like Vedic! There isn’t one that is better or worse but personally do think that Vedic can be more helpful when it comes to life events and predictions. ☺️ 

RAHU PLANET COMBINATIONS

Some words associated with Rahu:  confusion, obsession, travel, diseases. 

Rahu is not a physical planet.

Rahu is a malefic planet, meaning whatever house is in even though there is houses Rahu excels in  (3rd, 6th, 10th, 11th) it still brings malefic effects, that’s what it does. 

Some of my interprations may not resonate because it depends on the whole chart. These are some general intepretations.

How to calculate my Vedic Birth-chart? 

https://vaultoftheheavens.com/ChartCreatorLahiri/Welcome.aspx << (Click North Indian, it is preferred) 

Rahu in 1st house: Such person is incredibly intelligent. But doesn’t always use it for good. They can find themselves in a lot of scandals. Loves material things and go as far as recklessly loosing money for luxury. Identity issues, needs validation. Such person has incredible good motivation to reach a higher status in life and will most likely not fail to do so. However, if Rahu is bad placed in a sign it can bring issues with the physical body and mental health. This placement is prone to be mentally ill. Goes through a bunch of obstacles in early life. If Rahu is in a good sign, wealth is a common theme for this placement.

Rahu in 2nd house: Such person is most likely attached to their family image, may know multiple languages or is interested to do so. You may have intrusive thoughts and can suffer not knowing what is the reason to keep living. Low self-esteem. If in a exalted sign could have a rich partner. Even if they are attached to family image their family probably isn’t as good as they want it to be. They care a lot about their image. Has intellect with their words and knows what to say and this will get them to such higher position in life. Speaks quite fast.

Rahu in 3rd house: This is flavorable placement for Rahu. (: Could have bad relationships with siblings or have a brother.(If Malefic, If in a good sign you have a very good relationship with your siblings.** You express your opinions openly and this can make you someone a lot of people look up to especially on the web. Most likely will go on a bunch of mini vacations. Such person has ego and loves being unique. Intelligent people. Since Rahu is associated with Illusion such people can make up fake scenarios and stories just for their own ego and validation. Type to make original stories way more dramatic to please other people. Manipulative but doesn’t get caught easily. Natural charm. 

Rahu in 4th:  From my observations, people with Rahu in 4th could have a famous family member or/and a family member that is quite wealthy. The more feminine figure (Usually the mother) plays a big role for people with Rahu in 4th. You can usually find this placement in big internet trolls as person lacks empathy to other people perspective. Impulsive. Person may move a lot. Probably doesn’t live where they were born. May have very unusual secretive hobbies. Family may not know them a lot since person can be quite secretive. Mother could’ve suffered from something and could’ve been delusional. Mother may always put pressure. Generous but with big ego. Most likely donates their money to special things. 

Rahu in 5th: Most likely wants to be famous and will go to absurd lengths to get it. Can and might as well step on others in order to get their goal. However, this placement makes someone clever and very creative! May not have any children or could damage their children. Was probably the mean popular girl. Confident but sometimes over the top. Can benefit from investments. Likes to learn new things and has a bunch of stored knowledge. Loves books. Interested in singing or any creative field.

Rahu in 6th: Persuasive individuals. Opstimistic about challenges. Most likely has very good health.  May be involved in traumatic events like kidnapping or theft. Criminal record is found in Rahu in 6th individuals. Very good with fighting. Will benefit greatly with their own bussiness. People look up to them but yet initmidated. Such individual most likely has a controversial status yet powerful. Very strategic. You can’t beat them in arguements.

Rahu in 7th: Unhappy marriage is very possible here. Has a bunch of sexual partners and most likely has a lot of relationships. Is obsessed with the idea of another being in their life. Has to be careful about what they say cause anything they say can be used very badly especially with partnerships. Info might be exposed things they only gave to their partners. Such as nudes being exposed or anything very personal. Most likely will have a bunch of achievements in life. Confusion within their own personality. Highly dominating. Will be known. Very skillful and knows how to use it to their advantange. Can be very spiritual. Can push their opinions on to others.

Rahu in 8th: A lot of physical issues is promiment. Issues with law. Will have a bunch of changes throughout their life wether they’re good or bad they will happen often. Your family may suffer with money. Could end up homeless at some point. Has very good charm with people. Deaths can be a common theme here. Good researches and can find out anything & can detect bullshit. May have thought about being a detective during their life. Interest in astrology. Wouldn’t be suprised if a lot of you guys have this lol. Extremely good intuition. Great mind for researching the occult. 

Rahu in 9th: Constantly doubts everything and everyone, may have trust issues. Stubborn minded people. Very big love on foreign lands. Good common sense and can excell in politics. May fake their background to fit in. May have a bad relationship with the father figure. Constantly wastes money. But they can also have income from many different sources. Wants the truth and only that. Interest in traveling abroad. Could be seen as mean. Will seek higher knowledge and the truth. 

Rahu in 10th: Will experience a bunch of life changing events in life. This usually brings more positive than negative here. (It depends on aspects) . Rahu in 10th is found in extremely sucessfull individuals. May change workplace quite often. Something common with this placement is rag to riches. Such person could’ve been born in a poor environment and then they rise up to fame and recognition. They succeed professionally. Could have interest in Social Work. Can use their tactics for the wrong way to get what they want. However, love life may suffer. 

Rahu in 11th: Type of person to have had interactions with people of power. Prone to miscarriages. Will succeed in Marketing. Has a bunch of dreams they wanna chase after. Friendships will help a bunch to this native this lifetime. (: Receives much love from others but may not give it back..  Always sees the good in everyone and this can set them back. Should be careful when taking advice from others. Can be extremely naive. Will use their imagination this lifetime to achieve higher power and is possible they will succeed doing so.

Rahu in 12th: Will achieve good success relating to Spiritual growth. May write books or blogs about their spiritual knowledge. Could be psychic or/and astrologer. Most likely won’t have a traditional career. Can cause trouble relating to professional life. May have long-distance partners. Could be prone to being catfished. A lot of healers have this placement. May have trouble sleeping. Very religious or can be very attached to their own beliefs. Will go to extra lengths to escape from reality. Compassionate human being.

Let me know if you guys want more Vedic content. Give some feedback  🥰

[reverielix]

Bang chan as a boyfriend based on his chart?

Sure ;)))

Let’s get straight into it!💭

I’ve been wanting to talk about his interceptions/duplications for some time, and now it finally fits haha!!😊 His Venus is intercepted and...let’s say that his chart (+ Saturn singleton and other aspects) poses some obstacles for romantic relationships, and suggests a personal transition/journey he has to go through in order to even allow himself to experience romantic love and affection....🤭

Scorpio is intercepted in the 6th house in his chart while Taurus is intercepted in the 12th house. Capricorn makes up for it and rules both the 8th and 9th house as Cancer rules both the 2nd and 3rd house. So what does that mean?

First of all, the qualities associated with Scorpio and Taurus are hard for him to access as they weren’t taught or understood at an early age. This can further suggest that he experienced a lack of love and tenderness, while receiving criticism, (Saturn singleton, 6th house stellium, Chiron in the 6th makes him extremely sensitive to criticism, he started young as a trainee and went through monthly evaluations and such for 7 years!) which probably influenced his self-perception, as he already has low self-esteem and lots of self-doubt implied in his interception, which suggests a need for validation and extra-love, though he was given the opposite. Moreover, he could’ve had issues forming an opinion and sticking to it (supported by his Libra placements), fully devoting himself in a relationship (any type, Mars conjunct 7th house) and leaving his comfort zone. Lack of privacy, fear of loss and struggles regarding finances/recourses may have also occurred in his life. These aspects in regard to the 6th and 12th houses hint at an unstable and insecure environment as a result of lacking routine (e.g. going to sleep at odd hours with Pisces and Virgo here) and giving into bad habits. Something generally big in his chart is his insecurity and deceiving perception of himself as well as his ways of coping (intercepted Taurus, Saturn singleton, Virgo Chiron,... surpresses/ignores feelings or ignores them). He may use his self-doubt and criticism from both others and himself as a “fuel” for his determination and work-ethic to try and prove others and a part of himself wrong. Although one might argue that using negativity to grow from it is benificial, he harms himself subconsciously by having that mindset, since when a) he fails, like all of us do sometimes, he will fall into a pit of self-hatred or b) he achieved a goal, but after it, he’ll still be unsatisfied and want more. It always ends back where he started; craving for UNCONDITIONAL love, but he won’t give himself that type of love (unconditional love can also be associated with Neptune, which is in retrograde in his chart, and can contribute to hyper-awareness of his own wrongs). The love he gives himself is conditional and situational, which he adapted from all the lack of love and criticism and makes him feel like he will never be enough. A big lesson he has to learn is that his work/success doesn’t define him, and he is enough without his awards and wins. He’s an amazing person just being himself, and once he realizes that he deserves unconditional love, he will also be a step further to allow love to come his way. (You can’t come from a place of hatred and expect love to come out at the end!)

In terms of his Venus and his 7th house conjunctions, I can see how he craves love deeply and intensely, he craves privacy and validation, though with intercepted planets the individual isn’t allowed or suppresses a core-part of their personality. In Chan’s case, he suppresses his longing for romantic love and relationships as he is taught to focus on his work (he channels all his energy through his Saturn singleton, work is existential to him) rather than his need for affection, because “I don’t deserve love anyway” (conditional self-love, damaged awareness of self-worth). He perhaps doesn’t consciously know who he is looking for, but craves stability, (a routine to help him feel comfortable, as he values that with his Cancer and Capricorn duplications, but we’ll get to that later) sensuality, validation, appreciation, inspiration, acceptance and most importantly: love! In terms of Taurus here, which is intercepted and is ruled by Venus, I can see how a big life lesson is to value and appreciate his materialistic possessions and achievements that originated from hard work. He needs to learn how to feel appreciative of his past efforts and learn to feel satisfied with himself and his past efforts as well as allow himself to rest.

His Saturn singleton in conjunction with what I’ve discussed previously briefly points out; he channels his entire energy though his work, through restrictions, through his reputation and his ambition. (This Placement fits perfectly with him being on stage. He performs with such purpose, with such determination and devotion by using his body (Aries), and most importantly with his group (11th house).) The Pluto Mars conjunction also hints at Chan being a very devoted individual, who can get engulfed in his task and even isolate himself when doing something he’s passionate about. His Saturn is also in retrograde, which internalizes this placement and makes him very conscious about his success, reputation and overall misery and hardship that he wants to (perhaps aggressively or boldly) take action on and improve all the time. He fears letting people down and wants to live up to their expectations, while often letting himself down in the process, which feeds into his conditional self-love and lack of self-acceptance. He sets limits for himself, when actually, he wants to be free, because he lives in fear of not being enough and fulfilling people’s expectations of him as he wants to have a good reputation and success, be better than all the authority figures with criticizing eyes he’s been exposed to all his life. A contradiction within himself here is that he doesn’t want people to tell him what to do, he doesn’t like being pushed around and wants to be his own boss, but as soon as somebody expects something of him or questions his authority, he wants to prove them wrong and so does what they want. He is a pushover, in a way, but is consciously very resistant toward rules and boundaries other authority figures set for him to follow. Additionally, valuing tradition and following a routine (6th house interception) can be hard for him (especially when it comes to sleep, 12th house). Further interpreting, his Sun (Libra, 5th house) is opposite his Saturn, which can indicate a gap in self-perception that I touched on in the previous paragraph, outlining his rather subconscious (12th house interception, so this part is more “hidden” from him, while the 12th house is already hard to access in the first place) way of self-destruction considering his way with doubt and criticism and how it will forever remain a spiral of negativity that results in no progress if he doesn’t understand he is deserving of UNconditional love). Additionally, he might believe he can only be loved when he performs well and succeeds, which is obviously not true, though it is a big life lesson for him to truly understand that, with his 12th house interception and his tendency to ignore his intuition/spirituality to listen to the logics (air signs and other). He can escape this spiral of negativity by learning this big lesson; he is worthy, he deserves love, he deserves privacy, he deserves care (from himself and others).

Ways to “unlock interceptions” and learn the previously mentioned life lessons are to look at the “directors” (the signs that rule the intercepted houses, so in Chan’s case it’s Libra and Aries), the duplications and take into consideration his intercepted Chiron. First, let’s look at his 6th house ruler: Libra. Libra ruling the 6th house is usually a sign of self-care in a physical sense and beauty and care in everyday routine, pets or a desire of taking care of one. Though, with his Saturn singleton in Aries (opposite Libra) I can see how he works too much and disregards his mental and physical health (12th house would be mental health here). A helpful way of dealing with this is arranging a routine in which he assembles self-care and private time (he had a lack of, which the interceptions point at) to feel instead of brushing his emotions off (12th house interception). He will feel lonely. He longs for love with his Pluto conjunction his descendant, he can even become obsessive about it and feel the need to be with somebody. But as long as he doesn’t understand he deserves UNconditional love from most importantly himself, he won’t be able to allow (healthy) love in his life and recognize when he isn’t being treated the right way, because he pushes others away and has no clarity of what he deserves. In this routine that I have previously mentioned, where he shall implement self-care and privacy, he needs to give himself time to feel and not push his emotions away anymore. And as he accepts his emotions and turmoil, this 12th house part that we all have (this part that Billie addresses in idontwannabeyouanymore), that is hurt and deals with all the things we brush off in a “call me what you wanna, ‘cause I’ve probably called me worse.” way (self-criticism with the Chiron in the 6th — as Chiron is also healing and the 6th house comes together with routine and stability, I can see how this fortifies my claim — and interceptions). When he lets himself feel, accepts his negative feelings and takes care of himself, he will learn to love ALL of him (also his “demon” and will learn to access his 12th house). Through all of this, he will trust himself and his intuition more, learn to use both his brain & heart — here I think it’s remarkable that Melanie has multiple Taurus placements and a Scorpio rising — as the line between reality and delusion isn’t blurry anymore. Listening to his intuition, he will start to feel comfortable with himself and the things and people around him. He will learn to surround himself with the things he feels comfortable with, and not only “should” (brain). This is a big desire: comfort. His Cancer/Capricorn duplications leave him longing for a home, though as long as he doesn’t feel at home with himself, he won’t feel at home anywhere (ties in with 2nd house Cancer and his self-esteem being ruled by the moon with a desire for comfort). And when he learned to love, accept and feel comfortable with himself, he will allow love into his life and not push anyone away anymore (he will learn that it doesn’t matter if he failed or not, if he worked hard enough or not: he deserves love and care like he gives it to others). This is how he could “unlock” his Venus, perhaps. Regarding his Neptune retrograde in the 9th; in conjunction with his 12th house being intercepted, he needs to learn to create a sleep pattern that is healthy and provides him with enough rest. This will then also strengthen his trust and intuition.

Also, his Pluto Mars conjunction conjunct his 7th can imply that whenever he experiences hurt or is left by somebody else, he can transition this pain and obstacle into power and drive, motivation with which he approaches new relationships. This ties in with the dominant role that Saturn plays in his life, as Saturn is essentially working hard through hurdles and misery to come out successful.

So, now that we’ve established that his chart is challenging in regards to his love life and really just anything, we can get into the actual thing haha

⇢ confession/beginning stages

His Libra Sun and Mercury in the 5th, Gemini rising and Aquarius mc can give him a very playful and airy first impression

He is generally attracted to mannerism, soft spokenness and gentleness, as he also likes showing these parts of himself to romance others haha

Would probably take it slow and not rush into relationships (would take a while to confess, he first has to relish in the feeling of having a crush lol)

He might want to introduce himself as the fun and flirty version of himself, though I feel like he’d be way less bold than Minho (he’s a shy Libra bean) — it doesn’t mean he’s “acting” or anything. That’s just as much him as is every other part of his chart.

I don’t think his Venus would shine through in the beginning (I’d be more his air signs taking the lead, talking away and vibing lol) He’d most likely keep it light and nice on the first date, show off his manners yk👀

His intercepted Venus stressed that it would take him a lot of work to let himself freely express his love language and refrain from bottling it up

But once he does let himself express his love freely, during his confession or an intimate moment, it would fizz all up

His confession may be very thought through and planned, though in the moment, he’d just improvise anyway and fizz up like a bottle of sparkling water under too much pressure from holding back everything

Heartfelt confessions are his specialty, though he’d probably get very emotional

Scorpio is already kind of a wild sea, waves hitting the stones, but that interception would just contribute to this inner tension and turmoil

Once he feels attraction toward somebody, it can be very intense, even scary at times

His confession would be the one of a young boy who feels love for the very first time, intense and emotional, maybe clumsy

Though he’d mean every word

He’s just such a loving and caring person,,,,I’m not crying you are because even astrology says he’s nurturing and lovely

⇢ overall behavior in relationship

I feel like this short fic describes it pretty well haha (I read it and immediately thought of his Scorpio Venus interception)

It could be scary for him to be in love with somebody and go past the first, flirty phase

He’d be very devoted and give his all in the relationship (like how Minho would)

Just with the exception that Minho is pretty aware of this part of himself and embraces it with confidence

Though Chan on the other hand would get to know himself in another light

His emotions would fizz up, as he’s held the desire for love back for way too long (his Libra placements and especially his Pluto descendant conjunction have been begging him) and he could perhaps find the intensity of his romantic feelings scary or shocking

His Pluto descendant conjunction gives him a transformative feature. He can be drawn to relationships in which power dynamics can become toxic, though he has the skill to take the pain and transform himself from a hurting to a more powerful person in control. This can be something to look out for when he hasn’t yet gone through the lesson of acceptance and love for himself as his little self-esteem can be abused by a partner with this placement (Also, his Taurus interception hints at a lack of self-worth and boundaries, just like his 12 and 6th house interceptions do, as he can have issues recognizing when something is happening to him that is not right and he doesn’t deserve). Pluto conjunct the descendant can also hint at a partnership in which both partners are very successful and work together toward wealth, success and a comfortable home. His Venus is intercepted and this aspect points at, amongst other things, an unknowingness when it comes to an ideal type or what someone looks for in relationships. The Pluto descendant conjunction and Venus placement suggest that he is subconsciously on the outlook for or especially attracted by somebody who he can work hard together with and is devoted to the relationship and him. He may end up with somebody very successful and wealthy, who transforms him deeply as this person can feel to him like they are too intense for words to describe them.

His Mars conjunct his Pluto and the descendant accentuates what I previously said as he tends to express his drive and motivation in one-to-one relationships, which can bring a passion and determination into a relationship. He tends to get swallowed up by what he does, oftentimes forgets time or a sense of when to stop when he’s especially motivated or passionate about something. In a relationship that could mean a great deal of loyalty and devotion as well as proactiveness when it comes to achieving shared goals and fulfilling shared desires.

His Venus is in a square aspect with his Neptune, which is in retrograde. As I have discussed before, he needs to give himself time to let himself feel. Here it is suggested that there can be a cloud where certain feelings lie. He has a hard time accessing his subconscious, dreams, spirituality and intuition (in conjunction with his 12th house and Neptune rx he, as he has also confirmed, doesn’t have a good relationship with sleep). He has difficulty with his feelings and recognizing, accepting and embracing them. He can be prone to deception and misjudgment (reality and delusion are blurred, as I said previously and also mentioned a way to “unlock” that). Here it’s possible he may choose a partner not right for him, somebody who deludes him into that tale of an intense and powerful bond as his Venus interception also suggests, as already mentioned; he doesn’t consciously know who he’s looking for. He simply craves love and a comfortable, successful future and tends to see that in people who are not for him. It may be hard for him to feel fulfilled if he doesn’t feel fulfilled with himself yet and also because of this deceptiveness he tends to have.

All these things, the 7th house, Pluto, Scorpio, Mars and the interceptions are very much rooted within him. Having watched this video (I would highly recommend you to check her channel out if you’re into astrology!) on shadows and blind spots in astrology, I realized that love and Chan’s attitude toward love is deeply rooted in him. It can be a sensitive topic and bring out blind spots, parts of himself that he doesn’t really know or want to except. He may push his s/o away for bringing out these deeply rooted and emotionally triggering as well as intense things and shining a light on these aspects he dislikes and rejects about himself. He can live in denial of his longing for love and behavior in love as well as his desires, and be protective over these things. This can express itself in engagement with toxic endeavors and relationships. A build-up of jelousy, rage, vengeance and other negative qualities associated with especially Scorpio can come into play. He may be in denial of them and hardly even be able to access these parts, though I feel like in relationships, these qualities are prone to explode in his chart, as he is also likely to bottle anger up and avoid conflict. Maybe he has a hard time staying with somebody, though he is a devoted lover, because he can’t address the problems rooted within himself and rather projects them onto others in one-to-one relationships. Again, though, when he lets himself feel all these negative feelings, all the hurt and aggression, he can transform into a very powerful person and change who he is on a deeper level. These placements, which are tightly conjunct with love and relationships, point at the most vulnerable and scariest parts of him. Confronting scary parts and being brave is the key here!

His Venus interception, if not resolved, (though even when it’s resolved, it won’t forever be gone,) poses obstacles in love style and overall behavior in specifically romantic relationships. He may be shy and tapping into the unknown as he can be clumsy and confused in love. Like a boy loving for the first time, he will have issues expressing his love in a way he feels like is true to himself or feels comfortable. He has difficulty accessing Scorpio qualities and since his Venus lies in Scorpio, I can see him also bursting sometimes. As in, one day he’s more cold and holds back and on another day he showers his s/o with all the love. He can be very intense in love, especially on these days where he just can’t hold back anymore, where this intensity fizzes up.

I think he’d run into a lot of problems finding somebody who is right for him, but once he’s figured it out, he will be such a devoted partner with a passion to proactively work on the relationship and shared goals and desires. He will work hard for the relationship, just like he does for everything, because after all, that’s how he expresses himself with his Saturn singleton; through work and dedication. Love can be life-changing for him. But emotional highs and lows can occur as he “transitions” and continues to grow. It can often be a deep transformation that can feel like death and rebirth. This is the thing I’ve talked about earlier: he is self-destructive (and can also project these denied things about himself onto others) as he tries holding things associated to Mars, Pluto, the 7th house and Scorpio in his chart back/in. The interception being “unlocked” doesn’t make it disappear though — he’ll still be struggling with it and find it hard to address his emotions, establish routine or take care of himself as he gets lost in his passion and work-ethic.

Lastly, we cannot forget that the 5th house, the Sun, the Moon and the 2nd house usually play a big role concerning love in the birth chart as well. Most of these placements reflect how he knows himself and identifies with certain traits. All the previous things I’ve discussed are things hidden and deeply-rooted in his persona that he can have difficulties recognizing and coping with. So let’s jump into the parts of himself that he’s more comfortable with and more aware of, which also implies a more direct and conscious expression of the following aspects. As I already said referring to the first stages; he approaches romance in a flirty, gentle, fun and romantic way. He may enjoy going on dates a lot, meeting new people, being open-minded and generally gets along with most. He just has an easy time with romance in general as he possesses a natural way with words, though shyly, and a characteristic ability to attract many. It could be that he sees it as a priority to keep the romance alive, so he will keep arranging dates and such all throughout the relationship. Somebody with Libra placements or traits can make him feel special and admired, understood even. He can be a good advisor, great at giving compliments or a “therapist figure” to his partner, and is generally very giving. Good for him would be somebody who gives him validation, reminds him of his self-worth, respects his personal space and creates an environment of privacy and intimacy that’s in a way secret and visatable to only him and his s/o. Somebody who provides comfort, care and affection. (Something else would be conditional love. He could base love off of fairness and imply conditions, which both his Libra placements and his Neptune rx suggest, as Neptune can represent unconditional love and the “merging” of two souls. His Venus in the 6th can also suggest high expectations that hold him back from forgiving his partner’s mistakes and flaws as he could hold a grudge or hold these mistakes against his partner in future affairs.) He may also show his affection in a more practical way with gifts, acts of service and touch.

⇢ dates

I can see him being pretty spontaneous haha. Sagittarius is on the cusp of the 7th house and his Pluto and Mars, which are conjunct his 7th, are also in Sagittarius, so he may enjoy little trips into other cultures with his partner to relax a bit from work. Also, let’s not forget, he has his Sun and Mercury in his 5th and many personal Libra placements, he’s a big romantic. It’s how he knows himself, how he shows himself, how he communicates and how he feels. I thought I’d mention this part of his personality, because it’s the most straight-forward and commonly known “version” of Chan, even to himself. Since a partner tends to bring out 7th house qualities and motivate a person to be less their ascendant (the person they were motivated to be as a child or in their early lives) and more a “hidden” version of themselves (so in Chan’s case more bigger-picture-oriented or in favor of getting to know new cultures instead of only taking short road trips,...). So, here’s a little scenario in 1st person (just skip it if you’re not into flash fiction haha):

After 17 hours of flights and waiting, a hard-bedspring hotel mattress seemed a dream, but “the stars shine bright tonight,” Chan smiled

So instead of a douvet, a beach towel pressed against our backs

It had been 2 months, and though it was only an extended weekend, I was gonna spend every second enjoying him and Montpellier.

“I still hate that I forgot my dress.”

“You look better in my jacket anyway.”

The waning moon painted the sea, shone in his eyes

“Can’t have a cute French guy steal my baby.” Sweater paws covered his dimples, but his eyes told in the way they winged up

“Never.”

The Scorpio and Pluto conjunction is coming through🤭

Taper candle lit and polyester napkin folded into a lotus, we sipped on the nicest sounding wine the menu offered.

He laughed with gold in the eyes, an Italian-style suit and curls on his forehead.

“I’ll get whatever they do.” He tilted his head as shadows traced his dimples. The waiter rose his brows.

“I’d like...uhm...Beu- Boeuf bouuu-” Letters morphed into each other, a strand fell.

“Boeuf Bourguignon. Oui, ready in a minute, madame, monsieur.” He left behind an onion smell.

When Chan reached for Ficelle slices, sleeves were loose on his suit.

“This garlic spread’s nice.”

“So nice, you’ve got to have it on your face?”

He covered his face with the sleeves as he wiped

And then some of the spread ends up on his sleeve lol

If life is a movie // Oh you’re the best part.

11:23pm

D-Major vibrated off his acoustic guitar, and his voice accompanied mine through the last chorus

The mattress was softer than expected and his voice fuzzier than I’d remembered.

Love me, won’t you “ever leave me”

Guitar on the bedside table, his arms enclosed me. Nowhere else would I have rather been. (Lol sorry for being cheesy)

Also can we just appreciate his TALENT for a second like this man gives me goosebumps with that tone and his stunning vocal stability☁️💗

Additional small thought; I think with his Sun conjunct his Mercury in the 5th, he isn’t only good at communication, thinks a lot and is proud of it, but also probably talks to himself haha

Feel free to lmk your own thoughts on this post as well as other aspects concerning his chart, let’s chat!💫

//I also want to add that, yes, without the possibility of him using his birth chart to his advantage and making his “demons” a controlled part of him that he turns for the better, he does have a very difficult love life focused on business and unhealthy power dynamics in which he would most likely be the one seeking control, considering his libra placements as well as the significance of Saturn in his birth chart suggesting that he feels the constant need to conform to societal norms for self-esteem reasons and others talked about above like the Saturn retrograde.//

[michals]

That post reminded me I never actually posted this and it's one of those ‘kind of embarrassing I spent so much time on it but I’m posting it because I spent so much damn time on it’ things.

Klaus and Luther similarities/parallels

So the show doesn’t give us a ton of Luther and Klaus interaction but I think just them being the characters they are they’re really similar and have interesting parallels.

Of all the siblings I think it’s actually Luther and Klaus who are the most diametrically opposed in terms of their place in the Academy and their childhood. Obviously there’s the dynamic between Reggie explicitly calling Luther his favorite and Klaus his biggest disappointment, both of them had high expectations thrust upon them and one excelled and the other failed. But then again Luther was set up to excel and Klaus to fail. For all that Reggie wanted from Klaus he went about it in entirely the wrong way which only hurt Klaus’s abilities, and comparatively Luther’s powers are very straight forward so his training had to be mental in that he became exactly what Reggie wanted him to be.

Basically: Reggie’s abuse had opposite effects on them. Luther was brainwashed and isolated, Klaus was discarded and left to fend for himself. Luther loves/trusts his dad, Klaus hates him. Luther thinks they have a purpose and what they did was worthwhile, Klaus thinks it was all a big joke and meant nothing beyond Reggie’s little experiment. Luther’s at one end of the spectrum, Klaus the other, and everyone else falls somewhere in between.

How they show the effects of their abuse however, is actually more in sync. Klaus has a habit of either ignoring or talking around problems, acting like they’re not problems, or being flippant about them. Klaus acknowledges Reggie’s abuse but it’s usually in a jokey, casual manner, he usually moves on from talking about it quickly without getting too deep. He knows Reggie did a number on them but confronting it head on is difficult. And this is from a character who’s been in multiple rehab centers that obviously include some kind of therapy sessions.

Luther of course outright denies it until he’s faced with it in the worst way, and even then he can’t really get his head around it. One of the first things he did when landing in the 60s was to go to Reggie and expect him to welcome him, even though he doesn’t even know him. And then for all his talk in s2 about having moved on it reads like lip service, it sounds like he knows that’s what he should say, what he should feel, but it’s not entirely working. It’s like he’s just trying to dismiss it to the point where he will literally run away from the conversation. I still think the moment of him telling Sparrowverse Reggie that he’s happy they’re all home and together is a huge sign that he still thinks of Reggie as his dad no matter what.

Klaus and Luther either don’t know how to talk about their trauma or aren’t willing to. Whether it’s that Luther still doesn’t want to face up to it completely or that perhaps he does have the littlest bit of hope that actually Reggie did care and there was/is a chance he might care yet, or with Klaus trying to put the trauma on the backburner so he doesn’t have to relive it or process it in a way that means he won’t be able to drink it away or perhaps be forced to confront the powers that have caused him so much pain.

I also think they are genuinely sensitive. Not in the same way the others are, but empathetic and gentle in ways they never got to explore as children. I think that emotional wounds go much deeper than they let on. They’re always on the cusp of reaching out but not only do they not like dealing with their problems, they were taught not to. If given the chance they’d probably be happy to play support for the others but that wasn’t Reggie’s goal. I can easily imagine Luther as the kind of leader who takes everyone’s plans and thoughts into account and makes sense of it from there, who’s better at dictating than just demanding. And I imagine Klaus would probably be capable of understanding and connecting to his ghosts in a way that helps both him and them if he had been given different training.

Next is how both of them have poor self esteem and what comes across as a passive view of self preservation. Klaus has a very conflicted view of his place within the Academy. Apparently he was regulated to being the ‘look out’ often and wasn’t as active as the others. Obviously this is because of his complicated relationship with his powers and how Reggie treated him within the group dynamic. If he didn’t think Klaus was important (because he wasn’t doing what he was supposed to) then he wasn’t important. Now, having embraced his place as the black sheep of the family, Klaus still doesn’t know where he fits in and often comes across as “useless” (in quotes cause obvs that’s not the whole story, just a simplification).

Just in general he sees himself as an outsider. For all that he’s flippant and casually cocky he’s not actually all that confident in what he’s capable of to the point of not even trying sometimes because he’s convinced he’ll fail. It’s a smokescreen. It goes hand in hand with him not confronting his feelings or trauma, easier to play like he’s confident than to deal with it.

Luther’s self esteem came entirely from his place in the Academy and his father’s opinion and what Reggie made him. Even then his confidence gets shaken all the time when someone doesn’t listen to him or when they argue with him. He too tries to cover this up, Klaus is glib Luther is bossy. Then there’s the whole gorilla body thing, which he is very obviously mortified by. (Side note: interesting contrast in Klaus being usually the least physically covered up sibling and Luther being the most.) He’s wildly ashamed and embarrassed by his appearance. (There’s a whole other point I could make about how Luther only willingly shows his body when he’s being exploited and pummeled – or high – but that’s another post.)

Then Luther’s whole foundation crumbles with the discovery of Reggie’s true nature. He doesn’t have much left after that and then he’s dropped into a foreign world with no one and no way of coping and then Reggie once again lets him down. What’s he do? Gets into a situation that mirrors his relationship with Reggie, lets himself be taken advantage of, does what he’s told to the point of physical harm - because he knows nothing else and the bet is he doesn’t think he deserves better. Then he spends all of season 2 saying that he messed up, he’s not a hero, he’s not a leader and that he has no place thinking highly of himself. Guy straight up doesn’t have any self esteem at this point.

(Klaus also doesn't see himself as a hero even though he was on a literal superhero team.)

And in terms of their sense of self preservation: Klaus obviously has very little regard for his own health and wellbeing. Even if he doesn’t throw himself in front of bullets he’s still drinking and doing drugs to an extreme degree, to the point where they’ve actually killed him. He knows it’s bad for him, he knows it’s dangerous but he doesn’t care. Even with Ben in his ear he continues. When he dies in s1 he’s relieved.

Speaking of throwing one’s self in front of a bullet: Luther does this 3 times that we see. This comes obviously from his protectiveness as a leader but there’s an undercurrent of other people surviving being more important than him getting hurt. And when Five comes to him to say the world’s ending again Luther says he doesn’t give a shit. The Luther from s1 was all about saving the day, s2 Luther is shrugging and saying ‘yeah well, so what?’ and when he does start to care it’s mostly because he’s looking out for Five.

(Sidenote: I realize that my headcanon that Luther is becoming an alcoholic and has an unhealthy relationship with drugs is probably me reading into things but were the show to go in that direction: that they both would find comfort or an escape through substances would be another thing to tie them together and explore how their traumas affected them and what they do to deal with/avoid dealing with them. They’ve become pessimistic about the prospect of answers or catharsis so they look for escape instead.)

(Also also pointing out that the two times Luther was the most candid about his trauma was when he was drunk/high and one of those times was with Klaus – who for the first time in probably a long time, or ever, got to be the shoulder someone cried on. And what a great thematic idea that it’d be the two of them that’d be the most honest and open with each other eventually.)

Bonus item: Luther and Klaus have both died outside of their apocalypse related deaths (pretty sure Allison never actually died in s1 but was close) and in ways that none of the others were there for. Neither of them have talked about it. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to seem weaker than they already are, maybe it’s more of that ‘let’s not talk about trauma, let’s just get drunk’ mentality, or maybe it’s because they don’t think anyone would care. None of the others have really talked to Luther about the accident or the aftermath, none of them have approached Klaus’s addictions as an actual problem. Whatever reason why it would probably do them a world of good to find out they have that in common in the same way it would be good for Luther and Five to talk about their isolation.

They really seem like they should be very different characters in all respects and they really are in a lot of ways but there’s also this laundry list of ways they mirror each other or are similar and I hope the show takes advantage of that.

[shhhhsh]

About Tim’s New Story….

I just really hope they address Tim’s mental health. Like, DC just been ditching really good plot lines in favor of being “woke” or pandering. Just look at all the live action shows.

Now I’m not saying they can’t make Tim queer/bi/gay, but (as someone pointed out to me) Tim’s previous story writer was bi and he still chose to write Tim as straight & in a healthy romantic relationship with Stephanie Brown. I’ve seen several people who identify as queer/bi say that to have Tim go “ ooooh I’ve fooled myself into thinking I was straight, but now I’m freeeee” sends the message that Tim’s previous relationship failed b/c he was with a woman and not because of Tim’s poor mental and emotional health.

To go back to my previous statement; by him not writing Tim as bi tells me that he didn’t want or care for Tim to be bi, but instead saw Tim as, or preferred him to be, straight. The writer had free control to write Tim how ever he wanted and yet he chose to keep Tim straight. And he actually liked & wanted Tim/Steph. Again, I’m not saying Tim can’t be queer/bi, I’m just saying I find the motivations for this possible change very fishy. Almost as if the new writer is trying to get brownie points for pandering to a portion of the fans.

I think this way b/c in every other media where a character is revealed to be LGBTQ they just did it. They didn’t beat around the bush or do any queer coding/baiting. They either announced it, just made the character that way right out the gate, or just dropped the bomb w/out warning (as seen in Netflix’s Voltron, Amazon Prime’s Invincible, and Nickelodeon’s Legend of Korra respectfully).

DC currently has a bad habit changing things to be “woke” and bragging about it or shoving it in our faces. DC is becoming the “pick me girl” of superhero media. If you want to do it, just do it. Again I just get the “look at me, look at me” & “carrot on the stick” vibes from them now. If you truly feel in your heart to do something you would just do it without the need for recognition or to be so dramatic about it.

Now what I much rather see & think it’s a natural progression for Tim:

I personally believe that if Jason, Dick, & Damian can get a story that attempts to give them character development beyond romantic relationships (romance was more of a B-plot to the character driven A-plot anyway) I think they can give it to Tim as well.

I know that the Bat-Family all struggle with some form of mental health problems (most commonly paranoia and PTSD). However, I would like to point out that trauma is was what brought the others into the vigilante lifestyle, while Tim & Barbara became traumatized because of the vigilante lifestyle. Yet, Barbara was shown overcoming her trauma and using it as motivation to get better. Tim is yet to have this moment.

We all know that Tim struggles with depression, self-esteem, and suicidal tendencies. I mean heck, him becoming Red Robin only happens because of Tim’s degrading mental health. I hate to say it, but Tim is very psychologically broken and has been show to get so depressed that he can’t even get out of bed some times. To my knowledge, Tim is the only one in the Bat-Fam that struggles in his head with the idea of not being needed, useful, or forgotten when in reality that is furthest from the truth (Steph, Jason, & Damian also feel like the black sheep periodically, but that is because they have been presented with real evidence that would lead them to logically believe this. I.e being actually forgotten or dismissed for past mistakes despite great efforts to better themselves).

While yes, Dick did Tim dirty by replacing him without having a proper conversation first, the motivation was because he saw Tim as his equal and not Damian. He thought highly of Tim, but Tim couldn’t see that over his offense. Tim is so beat down by life that he see’s everything with negative lenses. Everyone came to check on Tim’s mental health but Tim took it as an insult instead.

And even though now Tim has reached some form of “peace” in his life, that only happens because the people he lost came back (Bruce, Conner, Bart, Cassie, etc). Tim never fully learned to handle grief, to handle his emotions, instead he represses them. Again in the Red Robin run, the main reason he doesn’t believe in any form of God is because he can’t logically justify the pain he has gone through. He is hurting and doesn’t know how to deal with that. In his original Robin run, when he tried talking someone out of committing suicide……the words and comfort he gave….that wasn’t something that was just inside Tim, this is something that was told to Tim. This is followed by him calling Dick to get the same pep-talk he just regurgitated to someone else.

In short: Tim is hurting. Deeply. And having been someone who’s emotional & mental sanity was pushed to the brink and attempted to jump off several times, I think it’s really sad that DC just ignores it. Now as someone who’s gotten the help they needed & now helps other people who struggle with the same issues as myself & Tim, I think that they’re going to say a lot of Tim’s problems come from him not being “aware” of his own sexuality, which is just sad.

In the story in question, Barbara talks about Tim not having a solid identity. People are more than their sexuality. People are capable of making future decisions for themselves without it hindering on their sexuality. If Tim was real, I would brake down his struggle as so:

Tim refuses to go to college and do something more with his life because he cannot see anything beyond his current circumstance. And the only reason why Tim cannot see anything beyond his circumstance is because he has no internal sense of purpose, identity, and acceptance beyond the cape & cowl. And when Tim finally found that in being Robin, Tim held onto it as a lifeline. There’s a reason why everyone says Tim is basically Bruce 2.0: it’s because he is Robin/Red Robin/Drake & Tim is the mask. At a young age, he did not grow up having these things instilled into him due to his parents neglecting him at a very important age in his development. Tim raised himself, and for a lack of better terms; an idiot cannot teach themselves to be smarter, an idiot becomes smarter by learning from the intelligent. A child can’t teach themselves to be an adult, they have to learn from others to grow & better themselves.

Now a parent doesn’t necessarily have to sit down and give a lesson about how to be an individual, but children learn how to live life by watching their parents. A good example of this is the rest of the Bat-Fam; they all grew up with some form of parental figures that taught them how to behave (for better or worse). Of course children have their own personalities, which is why two kids can go through the same type of trauma but come out differently, but it is a battle of nature vs nurture. Steph, Jason, Cass, & Damian grew up in abusive/unstable homes, while Dick, Barbara, & Bruce grew up in loving homes, but their personalities & character dictated how they responded to trauma. They took what life gave them and decided what to leave or take.

Tim had nothing to work with & is basically playing catch-up with the rest of his peers.

In a weird sense, Tim is like Zuko from The Last Airbender: only living to serve their father’s purpose. Anything outside of that they don’t know what to do. They’ve been trained to be something externally without been given a chance to figure out who they are internally.

Again you are not your sexuality, your sexuality does not determine who you are as a person. When a person struggles through life, it is due to the conditions of thier soul. Everything starts internally and shows it’s self externally.

I want to make that very clear because I am truly scared that in DC’s attempt to claim “clout” they are missing the bigger picture. Tim doesn’t have identity problems simply because he “doesn’t know” he likes boys, but because DC never gave him is own identity to begin with. Robin was never his own identity, Red Robin was never his, & Drake was his first attempt to make his own but he quickly gave it up so that he can be Robin once again. What is Tim going to do once Damian gets back? Is Damian going to get his own identity before Tim? Or is Tim just going to go back to one of his old identities?

I would like for Tim to personally move on from being a vigilante and rejoin civilian society for a while. Go to college, do something for himself and only for himself. Give Tim the self-discovery story, let him heal, and grown to be his own person. Besides you can never have a functional romantic relationship if you are not a functional individual. Self love > romantic love.

[missmentelle]

Hi MM/Bee! I'm a recent college graduate. I always worked hard in school and I matured a lot at college, but I'm realizing how low my self-esteem is. I'm obsessing over the things I haven't done/accomplished, scholarships I never applied for, my body image, my high school days, "not being as successful as my high school class", an old crush who I never talked to (who is already super successful), and some days I feel like I messed up my life beyond repair. How do I work on self-love? Thank you!

For starters, I think it’s important for you to know that you aren’t the only person feeling this way. I get similar questions all the time, often from people who aren’t even out of their 20s yet. It isn’t even remotely true that you need to achieve wild success by age 25 or you’ve wasted your life, but I can understand why so many people feel that way. 

Our culture is dangerously obsessed with productivity, youth and achievement, to the point that it is actively making all of our lives miserable. It’s not hard to understand where people get this idea that they’re failing in life if they aren’t a 20-something well-travelled millionaire - that is the message our culture throws in our faces all the time - and it’s so unbelievably untrue. We compile “top 30 under 30″ lists, celebrate incredibly young performers and entertainers, and hold up extremely high-achieving lifestyles as something that every one of us needs to be striving for, but we don’t - there is no timeline for “success”, there is no one true definition of success, and people will take wildly different paths in life to arrive at the same set of goals. What you think of as your failure is not actually your failure - it’s a cultural failure that so many of us fall victim to. 

I think it’s also important to remember that you haven’t messed up your life beyond repair: you’ve barely started your life yet. Your college years are supposed to be a time of growing and maturing, and that maturation doesn’t end the moment you cross the stage - you’re going to continue to learn and change and grow throughout your lifespan. And growth means you are always going to mess some stuff up - that’s how we grow. All of us have to make mistakes in this life, and all of us have to prioritize rest sometimes; there are always going to be tests we don’t do so great on, social situations we flub, scholarships we don’t apply for, crushes we don’t confess to, deadlines we miss, relationships we let fall apart and goals we don’t achieve. Nobody speedruns life with 100% completion. And that’s okay. Those missteps and mistakes are what teach us to do better next time, or they give us the time to rest and gather energy for the next goal we want to work toward. 

Of course, learning to accept yourself and let go of cultural conditioning is easier said than done. For many of us, it’s a lifelong journey, if not the overarching theme of our lives. I wish there was a simple way to achieve it. I do, however, have some tips that can help you get there:

Unplug from productivity and self-improvement culture. Going online and seeing “Shakespeare wrote King Lear in quarantine, here’s how to maximize your quarantine time” and “here’s how I became a millionaire by age 22″ is not actually that motivating - in all likelihood, it’ll just make you feel bad about yourself. The internet is an absolute firehose of content about how you can do more, achieve more, squeeze more out of your day, and it’s completely overwhelming; honestly, most of us feel better when we stop pointing that firehose straight at our own face. It’s easier to believe that you are enough when you stop consuming content that tells you that you aren’t. Self-improvement culture looks positive on the surface, but we aren’t actually making ourselves better people by obsessing over our work and productivity - we’re just making ourselves miserable. 

Ask yourself “who benefits from making me feel bad about myself?” It’s not a coincidence that we’ve built a culture obsessed with youth and productivity - that culture is making a lot of people very, very rich. Whenever you can be convinced that you aren’t thin enough, not pretty enough, not good enough, you can be convinced to run out and buy things that might fix the problem. That’s how we ended up with a $10 billion dollar self-improvement industry and a $532 billion dollar beauty industry. Content people are harder to sell to. Of course, knowing that people are profiting off your insecurities doesn’t magically make the insecurities go away - but it’s important to start thinking critically and asking yourself “where do my insecurities come from? Is there really something wrong with me, or is someone profiting from making people like me feel this way?”

Do things that make you happy, just for the sake of doing them. Paint a picture. Plant a garden. Learn to play the mandolin. Read cheesy romance novels. Find some things that you enjoy doing just for you - things that you don’t need to maximize, monetize or optimize. You don’t even need to be good at them. If you enjoy doing it, have at it. So many of us are encouraged to suck the joy out of our hobbies by turning them into a “side hustle” or another regimented form of self-improvement. Find some activities that just make your life better and do them, just for the sake of doing them. 

Examine the role of social media in your life. Most of us don’t post a complete, unedited view of our lives on social media - we just post the highlights and keep the tough stuff - the rejections, the times we got ghosted, the bad hair days - to ourselves. And even if you know that cognitively, it still sucks to log onto social media when you’re having a “blah” week and find yourself bombarded with other people’s engagement announcements, med school acceptances, wedding pictures and photos of the new homes people just bought. Social media forces you to compare your “average” to everyone else’s “best”, all the time. And the numbers don’t help - social media lets you do an exact comparison of how many followers and likes you have compared to someone else, and seeing someone get more positive feedback than you can sting. Working on self-love means taking a hard look at the impact social media is having on your self-esteem. How much of your time do you spend on social media? How do you feel after you use social media? Are you following accounts that make you feel better about yourself, or worse? Do you ever feel bad about the number of likes or followers you have? Do you feel like your time on social media is wasted? Do you follow accounts that make you feel better about yourself, or worse? Stepping away from social media for your mental health is an important move for some people - you can still be happy for your friends and loved ones while acknowledging that it’s not good for you to have their achievements broadcast to you 24/7. 

Surround yourself with good, supportive people. If you find that your circle of friends tends to diminish each other’s achievements, be overly critical of each other or go out of their way to one-up each other, that’s probably not a circle of friends that’s going to be good for you in the long run. Find people who are genuinely happy for you, and make you feel supported and loved for who you are. If that means you need to branch out of your current social circles, that’s okay - you can find great friends in surprising places, and it’s worth the initial awkwardness of getting to know a new person. 

Challenge your definition of “success”. Success does not have to look like a high-paying job and a giant house and expensive cars and 2.5 honour roll children. It certainly can look that way, if you feel that those are meaningful goals for you, but it doesn’t have to look that way. A doctor is not necessarily “more successful” than a poet, and a lawyer is not necessarily “more successful” than a stay-at-home parent. The only person who gets to define what a “successful” life looks like is you. It takes time to unlearn the social conditioning that “money and prestige = success”, but it can be done. Success looks different for all of us. 

Set goals that are personally meaningful to you. It’s important for all of us to think critically about what we want, and it’s even more important to think critically about why we want it. Do we want that degree program or that accomplishment or that job because it aligns with our interests? To impress others? To prove someone wrong? Or because we feel like we’re supposed to want it? Try to focus your energy on the goals that you want, that are personally meaningful to you. If that’s law school, great. If that’s selling homemade jam at the farmer’s market, that is equally great. 

Remember that success does not have a deadline. I know this is very hard to believe in your early twenties, but your dreams do not shrivel up and blow away the day you turn 30. Life doesn’t end when your 20s are over. You haven’t missed your shot, and you don’t have to figure everything out right now. Growth and achievement are lifelong journeys - people find their dream jobs, accomplish their goals, finish degrees and meet the love of their life in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. The best book I read this year was “Where the Crawdads Sing” a novel that spent 32 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list. It also happened to be the author’s first novel, and it came out when she was sixty-nine years old. Your dreams do not have an expiration date. 

Capture the joy and positivity in your life. I think one of the most important ways to feel better about your life is to spend more time focusing on all the good things in your life, rather than focusing on all the ways you could be better. Rather than fixating on whether you could have applied for more scholarships or turned that B+ into an A-, spend more time reflecting on the happy memories you have of your time in college. Again, this isn’t something that will happen overnight - it’s a learned skill that you need to consciously work on. Interrupt yourself when you are starting to fixate on things you could have done better, and make yourself list out three things you enjoyed about college. Connect with old college friends you haven’t heard from in a while. Try to take more notice of good things in your life as they happen to you - take more pictures, keep a journal, make collages, start a scrapbook, keep a box of momentos. You don’t need to have a perfect life to be happy; it’s okay to work on being happy with the life you have. 

Best of luck to you! MM

[emiefaunwrites]

I'm having a bit of trouble with my partner can I project onto the boys and have them working through things like how they communicate when they have conflicts and how they communicate when they have bad mental health impacting their relationship? Sorry for such a big ask but these boys are the source of so much of my seroronin

Hey there anon.

I'm really sorry to hear you're having those problems. I've come from a series of unhealthy (and damaging) relationships myself and I hate knowing that others suffer in relationships. I don't know what problems you're having but I hope you remember how important you and your feelings are.

And it would be my pleasure to write something for you. Say the word and if it's within my power in the AU, then I'll write whatever you want.

I hope that things get better for you soon and I hope this helps, even just a little ❤

********************

• In general, Taka and Leon's relationship is great.

• Especially the longer they are together - they've learnt how the other communicates and are able to deal better when the other is upset.

• But as with all relationships, they hit some bumpy roads.

• It's mostly in their first few years together, once the 'honeymoon period' has worn off.

• They're both very similar in a lot of ways, but they're also incredibly different.

• And their communication styles most definitely clash.

• Leon is more of an emotional person - he gets wound up fast, wanting to vent his frustrations out and have someone agree with how shit whatever it is that's annoyed or upset him is so that he feels cared about.

• But Taka, despite crying easily, is very logical in his approach.

• Yes, he will cry over the smallest thing, but he quickly recovers and plans the best course of action to resolve the issue.

• As you can imagine, these two ways of managing anger/upset are not the most compatible.

• Taka loves a good snuggle at the beginning but he quickly wants to talk it through and have Leon offer advice.

• And when Leon's mid vent, the last thing he wants is for Taka to challenge his thinking to offer solutions.

• It leads to conflicts - both boys not understanding why the other doesn't seem to get what they need.

• And so what is meant to be comfort leads to more anger and upset.

• It takes one big heart to heart after a particularly big argument for them to finally air it all out.

• 'Why aren't you listening?!'

• 'I AM listening! Would I be giving you advice if I WASN'T listening?!'

• 'I don't WANT advice! I want you to LISTEN!'

• It's a hard thing to change when a person is so set in their way of communicating - it's hard to see another point of view.

• So even after that conversation, it was really hard work.

• Leon would misunderstand a situation and be hesitant to offer hugs, jumping straight into harsh advice while Taka was still in the heat of his upset.

• And Taka would remain silent, coming across unintentionally cold when he wouldn't ask about what was upsetting his partner, thinking that Leon would come to him.

• This was when the peak rocky patch hit during their first year at University.

• After so many failed attempts at communicating, they had bocame frightened to talk about their feelings, bottling up issues out of fear of getting it wrong.

• Leon's self-esteem spiralled downwards, jealousy and paranoia knawing away at him and he withdrew further and further away.

• And Taka misunderstood, thinking he was being childish, and so let the anger simmer gently under the surface.

• They would spend their time together as normal - good days being good days as if there never were any problems.

• But once there was a hint of any trouble it was tense - their unresolved issues hanging thick in the air and it just built and built and built.

• And one night it all became too much - a night where Taka was going to go out with his theatre club for a social.

• At one mention of a certain member's name - a beautiful, intelligent, kind and caring female - Leon's entire body deflated and he tucked himself under the covers, ignoring Taka's questions.

• And that was it. Taka just couldn't take this anymore.

• He confronted the jealousy, calling it childish and accused him of not wanting Taka to have friends.

• And Leon countered miserably - of COURSE he wants Taka to have friends, he's not an asshole.

• 'You won't talk to me! You've been pushing me away ever since I joined the damn club! What am I supposed to think?!'

• Taka's right. Leon HAS been pushing him away. He's seen how happy he is and thinks he doesn't belong in his life anymore. That there's someone better out there for him - this female club member. And that'll mean Leon will be alone again.

• But how can he say that? How can Leon possibly tell Taka what he's frightened of?

• He curls himself into a balls, squeezing his eyes shut and tries not to cry, tries to just ignore the ache in his chest and the screaming thoughts of Taka finally seeing how terrible a person that Leon is.

• And Taka stands there, angry and confused, trying to understand what's happening.

• His boyfriend is being unreasonable. Pushing him away for seemingly no reason. What on EARTH could logically...

• Then it hits him.

• But Leon ISN'T logical with his emotions. He's reactive. He lets them all take over and consume him.

• Okay. Let's try something new.

• With a deep breath, Taka sits in down on the floor next to the bed and takes his phone out.

• He's cancelling...and it's all Leon's fault. The emotions start to well up, the guilt and the shame and the self loathing becoming to much.

• 'No, just go...'

• 'I don't want to go.'

• 'Yes you do...'

• 'There's more important things than a club.'

• No. No no no, this isn't fair. Taka should...should be with better people. He should...he should FORGET all about Leon. Leon isn't...he isn't WORTH IT. Taka deserves someone so much more...so much more...

• Leon doesn't realise that all of this is said out loud, doesn't see the pained look on Taka's face as his heart breaks in his chest.

• All Leon feels is pain, pain and misery and hopelessness and...

• ...and a warm palm against his cheek.

• 'You're worth EVERYTHING to me.'

• It's a long, emotional evening and there's a lot of tears on both sides.

• A lot of talking, a lot of apologies, a lot of love and endless forgiveness.

• And with words whispered against each other's skin as they cling together desperately, they promise not to ignore their feelings again.

• It isn't perfect. No relationship is.

• But Leon learns to walk away from an intense debate and to calm his thoughts enough to logically talk them through without bottling it up.

• Taka learns how to actively listen in times of frustration - waiting for the signal to offer advice and seeing signs of deteriation in advance.

• And they both learn every day how happy the other makes them, how proud every day they are of the other, and how strong they have become.

[nerdygaymormon]

Hi, I was wondering is you have any advice on being a member of the church and being gay.

This is a wide-open question. If you were meeting with me in person, we could talk about this for hours. I can’t write everything I’d like to say, but I hope what I share is useful.

—————————

A person’s sexual orientation is how they experience the world. It’s how you love and how you connect with people. God doesn’t love you despite being gay, God loves you because you are YOU. God knows this about you, He made you. You are gay and you are known & loved by God and He is rooting for you. I hope knowing this will help you get through some of the tough moments of life.

—————————

It’s easy to focus on the negative. There are also positive things, remember those. 

—————————

Studies show that, on average, LGBT people are creative, have higher IQ’s and higher emotional intelligence (better at social relationships), have more compassion and are more cooperative and have less hostility. Does any of that sound like you?

—————————

The church doesn’t yet have the answers for LGBTQ+ people. The current policies, teachings & restrictions were created at a time when they believed people were made gay because of circumstances in their life and could change to be straight.  

Disregard any pamphlet or talks or advice from the Church on LGBTQ topics that is more than a few years old. The church leaders are slowly evolving and you don’t need to go back to less enlightened days and read the advice made when their understanding was even more behind than it is today

—————————

One day the church will need to rethink the place of queer people in the Plan of Happiness (currently we are absent). As we are unable to complete the highest goals in our church, you have to figure out what a successful life looks like to you.

In Mormonism we’re so accustomed to “knowing,” but the truth is there is no clear path forward for queer Mormons. It can feel wobbly and scary to not be on sure footing, but you have an opportunity to work out with God what your path forward is. When something feels right, trust that and move forward. 

Our pathway is less traveled and not well marked, we will trip and stumble, but we look out for each other.

—————————

Work on becoming more Christlike. Think about what is God doing in the world today and join that work. 

—————————

The Atonement of Jesus Christ means He can heal your heart and strengthen you in the hard times. 

—————————

God doesn’t wait until we are perfectly ready and up for the challenge, we all have to go out and do our best as we are, learn along the way, adjust and try again. We all make mistakes and it’s okay to start over and try again. It is never too late, too dark or too hopeless. 

————————— 

Be patient with your progress. You don’t have to understand everything now.

—————————

Get LGBTQ friends. It’s especially helpful if they’re also LDS because they’ll get you in a way no one else will. Online friends count. If you’re in school, perhaps they have a Gay-Straight Alliance. If you’re at a church university, seek out USGA. When I hang out with queer people I feel normal. It’s nice to step out of the heteronormative world which is always saying I don’t fit.

—————————

Allow people to grow and change. Forgive and try not to carry around all the hurtful things.

—————————

Seek therapy when you feel things getting hard. A lot of universities include psychological counseling in your tuition & fees; you can also be referred to LDS Family Services by your bishop, which is covered by some insurance plans. Another option is to check your insurance and find the mental health professionals in your area that are covered. Try contacting the psychology dept at a local university, perhaps they offer some counseling services to non-students. 

LGBTQ Mormons face much higher rates of mental illness than the average person, there’s no shame in getting help even when you’re not desperate or suicidal.

Studies show being active in church makes us more likely to have higher rates of depression, internalized homophobia and sexual identity crisis. We also have lower self-esteem and a lower quality of life. Most have the symptoms of PTSD and higher rates of suicidality. 

Be aware of these and be proactive in seeking help. 

—————————

It is always okay to take a break from church to improve your mental health or if it feels hard. You can always step outside if people say hurtful things (even if they don’t realize how it sounds to you). You’re also welcome to go back whenever you choose.

—————————

When I hear something at church that troubles me. I ask these three questions:

Does that sound like me, do I resemble that remark? (when they’re talking about gay people)

Is this consistent with the God I know?

Does this fit with the great commandment to love one another?

So often I find the things which trouble me fail these questions. It’s also highlighted for me that Mormons often obsess on things that don’t really matter.

—————————

There will be people who can’t see your worth. Don’t let yourself be one of them.

—————————

Have fun, enjoy life. Not everything has to be tough or serious. 

—————————

You have claim to two great histories and legacies–LDS & LGBT+. Both the queer community and LDS church, in different ways, teach me about being kind and accepting others.

—————————

I’m putting a lot of links here that I think will be useful resources for you:

This is a TedTalk that speaks about some of the reasons why Nature creates homosexuals, and some of the differences in people who are LGBT compared to the rest of the population.

This is long, but is the best write up I’ve seen about the LDS church’s history on homosexuality while explaining what this is like for gay Mormons

Taylor Petrey is a professor who in this article gives me many things to think about regarding gays & lesbians and Mormonism. 

This is a simple to follow explanation of why temple sealings for gay couples makes sense

This is dense, but it’s a listing of all sorts of queer people and relationships in Church history (we’ve been a part of the Church since the beginning)

Affirmation is the oldest organization for LDS/post-LDS LGBTQ+ individuals, family and allies. They have multiple Facebook pages for different situations. If you’re still active in church, a group for you to check out is Affirmation Prepare.

Collection of scriptures useful for queer people to understand - links to many discussions about the meaning of scriptures often used against queer people, includes some hopeful scriptures, too.

Stages of Faith Transitions - Jana Spangler helped me understand the different stages we go through and it helps us understand the faith we have

Biology of Queerness - I summarize a lot of studies done that show biology is what made us queer, not our choices.

Stonewall Inn and the Riots - This is the story of the beginning of the modern queer-rights movement. Because we are raised by straight people, we often don’t know our LGBTQ+ history and this is a good place to start.  

The Payne Papers - This is would be considered the beginning of the gay rights movement inside the Church. The truths and arguments presented still stand up over 40 years later.  

Queer LDS Heroes of the 2010′s - I think it’s helpful to learn about all these people who helped shape how our church membership has shifted it’s views about LGBTQ people because they were brave enough to come out and share their stories.

My Queer Playlist Part 1 & Part 2 - Listening to these songs can help me feel connected to LGBTQ people even when I am alone. 

—————————

Remember G.A.Y.–God Adores You

[ejlovespie]

My Thoughts

Extended Author’s Note for ‘I Love You & I Hate You So Much’

**Warnings: I get personal talking a little bit about my own mental health struggles. Go ahead and skip reading this if that is a trigger for you or you’re just uninterested. <3

Hi Friends,

I wanted to give some of my own feedback and commentary on a fic series I finished and posted this afternoon. The series is ‘I Love You & I Hate You So Much’ and it’s a three part-angst fest. I received this request a while back and knew from how detailed it was, that I would have either a VERY long one shot or I would have to make it into a series. When I started, I wrote this almost exactly as was requested, but by the end of it, I deviated a bit. If you haven’t read the series yet, I won’t give any spoilers here, but the fic is very angsty and dramatic. I would also say that you see a side of Dean that you don’t see often, especially, in fanfiction. He’s not our hero in this story. Before I go on, here are the links to read the series if you would like to pause and catch up. If not, no worries, I won’t spoil anything.

Part 1 -  Part 2  -  Part 3

Anyway, writing this was a challenge for me for a few reasons. I think the biggest challenge was that this particular story made me realize that as a writer, my characters come to life and take on their own personality and temperaments. I think every writer puts some of themself in a story but by the end, their characters aren’t them. They may have pieces and parts that are similar but a character is their own person, albeit fictional one. Of course, I knew this but I never thought about it this deeply before. For example, if I receive a request for a reader to complete a certain task or act a certain way with other characters, I try to think about the why behind it. What happened in their past to make them behave this way? What makes this character tick? I try to put myself in this person’s shoes and see life differently.  

With that being said, I struggled with writing this particular story because I couldn’t relate to the reader or with the events that happened at all. As I wrote, there were arguments, things that were said, that I would never handle in the same way in my own relationships. Specific actions were taken that I would never have done myself but as I wrote, it felt natural to write it that way for the reader. Also, as I said before, you see a side of Dean that I found to be really difficult to describe because my instinct is for our beloved Winchester to be the good guy, without fail, all the time. (Well, maybe except for demon Dean!) 

Out of all of my works, this particular series has received the longest, most thought out and opinionated, commentary. And I think that is mainly because of Dean’s words and actions, as well as, the events that happen in the story. With that being said, I love that something I have written made so many people think and feel so many different emotions. I really enjoy reading your guys’ comments and all of the different perspectives and opinions. It’s so exciting to me when someone takes the time to do it, even if I don’t agree with what was said. 

Another reason I found this to be difficult to write was my mental and emotional state. I love reading and writing dark and angsty stories but this one got to me quite a bit. Like many others, I struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. I also have a very low opinion of myself and am always my biggest critic. I have struggled with body image and low self-esteem issues since I was kid, hence my low opinion. As I have gotten older, my low opinions have migrated away from the physical and are mostly internal. You know, the “I’m stupid or I don’t matter” thoughts. Anyway, when I left my job a few weeks ago it only took a few days for me to feel restless and uneasy. Did I make the right decision? What am I going to do now? I kept busy with housework, writing, working on my website, and doing research but still felt like a failure because I wasn’t making money. I started to get lost in my head and my own self loathing because I felt like a burden. I’m not doing enough. I’m not contributing financially. By the way, If you’re still reading this, I want you to know that I’m okay, or at least I will be. The point of me sharing all this is that I have been in a dark place and writing a dark and angsty fic with what’s going on in my head was really hard. (I almost deleted this whole paragraph but screw it. We should talk about mental health more, not less. So there it is.) 

Anyways, even as I finished the series, I wasn’t satisfied. I had/have my own thoughts and opinions on the events that happened and how Dean and the reader treated each other. As I wrote it, a big part of me was saying “No! They forgave too fast, too easily! She needs to fight more!” but my writer’s brain told me to look at the events in the readers eyes. It wasn’t about me or my thoughts, it was about her and what she needed and/or wanted. (I hope that makes sense.) Also, my intention was to leave the ending a little ambiguous. Will they work it out and get back together again? Will they just stay friends? Or maybe, will they accept each other’s apologies but go their separate ways? I don’t know, so you can decide! 

So there are my thoughts without giving any spoilers away. It was a rough ride and I don’t even know how I feel about the ending yet but I wanted to thank you guys. Thank you for taking the time to read my stuff and thank you for your messages, comments, reblogs, and recommendations. I love you all so much, more than you know, and I appreciate each and every one of you. 

P.S. I wrote what I call a brain cleanser. It’s a short oneshot called “Moving In.” It’s silly and fun with no character pairings or major plot. Also, I left it gender non-specific because, why not? There should be more fics like that and I’m trying to branch out. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. It’s scheduled to post tomorrow, 4/20, at 6 AM. 

Once again, I love you all. Thank you for driving me to create and remember, if you struggle with any kind of mental illness, always keep fighting. 

xoxo -EJ

[scripttorture]

Hey! My character is made into an experiment by the government due to him having a supernatural ability. The one who handed him over was his partner, who has been a part of that organization all along. He is usually a very confident person, powerful and extroverted. I'm not sure how his mental state is supposed to change? I don't feel like the whole loosing their will to live and becoming incredibly depressed thing would fit him as a person. How could I still show that the torture effects him?

There isn’t a sure fire answer to how any one person will change when they’re tortured. We know the possible symptoms, but most people won’t experience every possible symptom and we don’t have a way to predict who gets what.

 There’s a post that talks about the possible symptoms over here.

 Here’s the thing though: there is a lot of variety in survivors, in the symptoms they get and the way they personally express those symptoms. Some people do become suicidal. Some people do become depressed. And some people do lose their faith in humanity.

 But there is not one universal survivor experience.

 This means that there’s a big range in realistic responses. It also means that as a writer you actually have a lot of options. You should be picking 3-5 symptoms from the list of possible options, but the list has 14 things on it and some of those things can manifest in multiple ways.

 I think that, since we can’t predict symptoms, the best thing you can do as a writer is pick symptoms based on what you feel fits your character and story best.

 Depression and suicidal thoughts don’t do that, so let’s have a look at some of the others.

 Memory problems are incredibly common in real survivors and are almost never portrayed accurately in fiction. You can read about the four basic types here.

 I’d really encourage you to use one of these if you feel it fits your story. They create a lot of interesting narrative challenges for the character and they can make for really good emotional/introspective moments. If for instance you want to explore self-doubt giving the character memories he later finds out are inaccurate could feed into that, leading to him questioning whether he ‘really’ was betrayed.

 General forgetfulness (ie low level difficulty forming memories) can give the character a lasting disadvantage in everyday life, creating a much more traditional injury-recovery arc as he tries to find adaptions to this new normal.

 Intrusive memories, when handled well, can help create a deeper connection between the reader and the character. Because it lets you create situations where the character’s mood flips in an instant, the other characters don’t understand why but the readers do.

 Memory loss can be trickier, mostly because it’s rarely handled well in fiction. It doesn’t effect older memories, such as childhood memories, the person’s name etc. It almost never effects memories of torture itself. But it does effect other aspects of the time they’re held, the period prior to capture and sometimes a few weeks after release. It’s a distressing and disorientating experience and it’s a good pick if there’s any sort of investigation or prosecution.

 Because memory problems (especially memory loss and inaccurate memories) are a big part of why torture trials are really hard to conduct. Having the character find that he doesn’t actually remember the crucial details and watching the process of people trying and failing to help him, that can be a really powerful addition. It’s also a good way to form a rift between him and his friends without depression or having him lose faith in others. It gives a reason for any distance between them, even if it’s an emotional rather then logical reason.

 Read through the masterpost and really think about whether any of these memory problems could fit your story.

 Narratively speaking memory problems don’t link the character’s personality but they do have a strong impact on plots and sub-plots. Memory loss, inaccurate memories and intrusive memories will all effect the character’s emotional arc and sense of self. They can also throw up barriers for the character.

 He might be missing a couple of crucial details about his life before he was snatched. He might have some key details about how and where he was snatched wrong. Think about how those sorts of problems could feed into your plot, because they can add interesting conflicts and challenges.

 Chronic pain is also incredibly common in torture survivors and it often doesn’t have a single cause. Back, muscular and joint pain are particularly common.

 It can lead to a character seeming angry, unapproachable, anti-social or like they have a hair-trigger temper. It can also make it seem as though they have really bad mood swings or a short temper.

 This can lead to interesting character moments as non-survivors struggle to empathise with an ‘asshole’ while the survivor is struggling to express the fact they’re in physical pain. It can also lead in to discussions of disability and the way we treat invisible disabilities in society.

 It can also often be improved by, again, life style adjustments and sometime medication.

 If you wanted to use addiction as a symptom then chronic pain is a common reason behind addiction in survivors. Essentially they start taking more and more powerful pain medications in order to try and feel ‘normal’.

 Chronic pain doesn’t always lead to addiction though. Making good, consistent life style adjustments (using a mobility aid, being able to sit instead of having to stand for long periods and so on) can help keep pain at manageable levels allowing a healthy relationship with pain medication.

 Insomnia is another really common symptom in survivors. This basically means the character is always at least slightly sleep deprived. Which has knock on effects on absolutely every part of a person’s life.

 You can read about the effects of sleep deprivation here.

 I’d suggest thinking carefully about what you need the character to do before using this one. It might sound counter intuitive but a character with disabling chronic pain is probably more capable of the occasional bout of superheroics then a chronically sleep deprived character is.

 Insomnia caused by mental illness is also notoriously difficult to treat. Medication for the mental health problems survivors tend to have makes it harder to sleep and reduces the quality of sleep. Medication to ‘make’ people sleep often decreases the quality of sleep, when it works. It does not work for everyone.

 Essentially don’t treat insomnia as an ‘easy’ option with less impact on the character. It impacts every part of a person’s life, making them more likely to get sick, slower to react, more emotionally volatile and less able to learn/remember everything.

 There are so many things that insomnia effects that- well I find it easiest to think of it as a permanent lowering of ability across all categories. This does not mean that a character automatically becomes incapable of things; it means they are worse at them then they were before.

 If they were already really good at something then other people might not notice the difference. But the character himself will. Which can have a knock on effect on self esteem.

 Any of the things I’ve mentioned can result in social isolation. Because survivors can come across as aggressive, volatile and inconsiderate which can lead to people… avoiding them. Especially when other characters don’t have a good understanding of mental illness or experience dealing with trauma survivors. (Having said that, remember that a pretty significant proportion of the population experiences mental health problems at some point in their life. Think about how likely experience vs ignorance is, rather then assuming one or the other.)

 Isolation exacerbates pre-existing mental health problems.

 And any combination of the above symptoms make up the frame work of any long term personality change. For instance you describe this character as confident and capable: if he gets multiple forms of memory problems does that impact his confidence in certain areas? And if it does how does he cope with that? It could be by expressing his self-doubt but it could also be by taking a more passive role within a group, letting others take the lead instead of stepping in.

 I have an old ask over here that goes through how I pick symptoms for a character and how I vary them depending on the sort of plot I have in mind.

 Wrapping up, I think that we make these symptoms individual when we consider how the symptoms interact and what that means for the character.

 Depression does not have to mean someone looks overtly miserable. It can look like nausea, like struggling to eat and sleep, like being quieter in social situations. It can feel like going through life disconnected from the world, not so much the presence of misery as the absence of joy.

 You’ve listed these characteristics; confidence, power, extroverted and survivors can hold on to all those things. As always the central point is nuance. Because that confidence probably won’t be completely unshaken anymore, that extroversion might not be effortless anymore, his relationship with that power could change.

 The character might have developed a lot of self doubt and, though it’s a struggle, continue to make firm ‘confident’ decisions because he feels that’s important either to himself or to everyone else. It could be a way of him showing that he’s still ‘strong’, that he survived, that he can still support the other characters.

 The character could still be extroverted and depending on the symptoms you pick socialising might be harder, it could take up more energy. He might be hiding the cost from his friends. Or, another common way it plays out, is that he could just come across as… a lot more inappropriate: making dark ‘jokes’ that non-survivors don’t find funny, having obvious mood swings that make others uncomfortable. You get the idea.

 Torture does change people. But those changes are unpredictable and they often don’t look like we expect.

 Our fiction often tries to use depression and suicidal ideation as an excuse to turn survivors into passive objects. They are not.

 One of the things that stood out to me the more I looked at prominent survivors was anger. Because yes, despair is possible, common even. But so is spite and vitriol and rage. So is determination.

 There is more then one way to be powerful. Confidence does not need to be unshakable to be real.

 In essence: you are aiming for an understandable change in what is already there, not an excision of the characteristics you’ve already established.

 As a final note you might want to take a look at the masterposts I have on medical experiments (which you can find here and also here.) It’s worth deciding whether you want to show unethical but genuine experiments, or torture. You can have a look through the tags on unethical experimentation and pseudo-scientific torture for more information.

 I hope that helps. :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[rosethornewrites]

Fic: the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break, ch. 16

Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī & Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī & Wēn Qíng, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn

Characters: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Wēn Qíng, Wēn Níng | Wēn Qiónglín, Granny Wēn, Lán Yuàn | Lán Sīzhuī, Wēn Remnants, Wen Meilin (OC), Fourth Uncle, Lán Huàn | Lán Xīchén, Jiang Yanli, Jiang Cheng | Jiang Wanyin

Additional Tags: Pre-Slash, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Secrets, Crying, Masks, Soulmates, Truth, Self-Esteem Issues, Regret, It was supposed to be a one-shot, Fix-It, Eventual Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, wwx needs a hug, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Filial Piety, Handfasting, Phobias, Sleeping Together, Fear, Panic Attacks, Love Confessions, Getting Together, First Kiss, Kissing, Boys Kissing, Family, and they were married, Bathing/Washing, Hair Braiding, Hair Brushing, Feels, Sex Education, Implied Sexual Content, First Time, Aftercare, Morning After, Afterglow, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Torture, Scars, Eventual Happy Ending, Hand Jobs, Chronic Pain, Biting, Conversations, Self-Sacrifice, POV Third Person, POV Lan WangJi

Summary: The Jiang siblings visit the Burial Mounds. Feels are had.

Warning: Involves bugs as food. For Notes, see end.

AO3 link

Chapters:  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15

------------------

Lan Wangji is unsurprised, and somewhat relieved, when Wen Qing takes one look at Wei Ying upon their return to the Burial Mounds and tells him to go take a nap with A-Yuan.

His husband had already been swaying dangerously in the Yiling market when they had bought supplies, and had tried to insist Jiang Yanli ride in the cart while he walk, though he had quickly been overruled when Wen Ning, of all people, pointed out they could both ride comfortably if someone had a qiankun pouch for their purchases. Jiang Wanyin had pulled one from his sleeve, one that seemed oddly full, and Wen Ning helped place their purchases in it.

“Get in the damn cart, moron,” the Jiang sect leader said when Wei Ying hesitated.

“A-Xian, come ride with me,” Jiang Yanli coaxed, taking his arm and steering him to it herself.

Wei Ying was exhausted enough to fall asleep on her shoulder, despite the bumpy ride, on the way back, A-Yuan snuggled in his sister’s arms. He doesn’t look particularly refreshed when they have to wake him.

Despite his exhaustion, Wei Ying still tries to argue against a nap, eying his siblings, clearly considering their visit more important than his health. Lan Wangji finds his disregard for his own well-being concerning, but is well aware it isn’t unusual, just something they need to break him of. 

“I told them,” he says. “In town. I bet they have questions, and—”

“I can answer their questions, Wei Wuxian!” she cuts in. “I performed the surgery, after all. You’re delegating the task to me and going to take a nap before I bring out the needles—don’t think I won’t knock you out.”

The mention of her needles clearly cows him, but he still seems hesitant. 

“It’s our turn to take care of things,” Jiang Wanyin says, not looking at him. “You’ve done enough, Wei Wuxian.”

“More than enough,” Jiang Yanli murmurs, and reaches forward to pull him into a gentle hug. “Let us take care of our A-Xian, hm?”

Wei Ying seems frozen for a moment in the embrace, but relaxes into it. Lan Wangji can see him tremble as he hugs her back, and he knows, for the moment, they’ve won. It’s a small triumph, but at this point he’ll take it. 

“Okay, shijie,” he says finally. “Xianxian will take a nap with Yuanyuan.”

She lets him go and pats his cheek in a way that reminds Lan Wangji of his mother when he was very young. 

A-Yuan insists on giving his guma a hug before he lets Wei Ying take his hand and lead him toward the cave. 

“Go with him,” Wen Qing insists, to his surprise. 

It must show somehow, because she sighs. 

“I told you when you came: you take care of him. That’s your job. I’ll take care of this—I wrote Jiang-guniang, after all.”

Lan Wangji nods, privately relieved his presence isn’t required for this conversation. He bows to each of them before leaving, including Wen Qing as a thank you even though it makes her huff in embarrassment. 

As he takes longer strides to catch up with Wei Ying, he can hear Jiang Yanli speak to Wen Qing in a sweet voice that is likely terrifying up close in how it utterly fails to hide her ferocious protectiveness of her beloved adoptive brother—he mentally wishes Wen Qing luck. 

He picks up A-Yuan and gets a startled glance from Wei Ying, who is not quite to the point of barely standing, but close enough that Lan Wangji wraps his free arm around him to steady him as they make their way to the cave. 

A-Yuan babbles sleepily about having a new aunt and uncle, having been largely unaffected by the tension in town, and before long they’re both tucked in. Wei Ying doesn’t bother removing his boots, so Lan Wangji does it for him. 

Before he can rise, Wei Ying reaches out for him, his eyes half-lidded as he’s already being pulled toward sleep, in what Lan Wangji recognizes as a plea for him to stay, to sit on the bed and let him be close as he sleeps. After the stress of the afternoon on his husband, he is happy to oblige, happy Wei Ying would ask, even silently, for his support. 

“I will stay,” he tells him, settling beside him on the bed, letting Wei Ying tuck close and use his thigh as a pillow. 

Not to be left out, A-Yuan clambers over them and settles curled between them against Wei Ying’s stomach, his face pressed into the front of his robe as he falls asleep. Lan Wangji draws the blanket up over both of them.

He has used the table near the bed both as a desk and to play the guqin, so it is no trouble to carefully stack the papers next to the bed and slide the inkstone back so he can pull out Wangji.

Wei Ying lets out a soft sigh, the tension leaving his body, as he starts ‘WuJi.’ The song has been a comfort to his husband, he knows, when he himself failed to be, and he hopes to soon work on a new song, something that will capture the joy he finds in their marriage. The circumstances in which they and the people Wei Ying rescued live are less than ideal, and he wishes he could take him from this place of darkness and the memories of the horror he still cannot speak of, but they are together, and that is much preferable to being alone in the Cloud Recesses. 

Before long, Wei Ying is asleep, and he segues into songs of cleansing and healing. Without a golden core, without Wen Qing’s needles, the latter has little impact—but little isn’t none, and he is still recovering. Every little bit helps, and after the stress of the day, he helps the only way he can, aside from serving as Wei Ying’s pillow. 

He loses himself in the music, coming close to a meditative state as he plays. Time passes like sand through fingers before he hears hesitant steps enter the cave. 

Lan Wangji pauses in his playing, recognizing two sets of footsteps, one the shuffling gait of Wen Ning, and the other softer. He is unsurprised when Jiang Yanli is the second set. 

He is also unsurprised to see her face wet with tears. 

Wen Ning offers her a short bow, then hefts the bathtub from their alcove as he does daily, kindly bringing fresh water and herbs for Wei Ying to use at night. He nods to him in thanks. 

Jiang Yanli returns Wen Ning’s bow, and his esteem of her rises—many failed to give that respect to him in life, and more would likely refuse to now that he is a corpse, spiritual conscious or not. But Wei Ying’s sister recognizes him as he is: family. 

Though the reverberation of the strings has ceased, the motion of stilling them is a comfort to Lan Wangji as he waits for her to speak. She watches her brother sleep for a while. 

“Wen-guniang… She said he’s in pain,” she finally says. 

Lan Wangji nods to confirm. 

“That he’s been in pain since— since the war, and we didn’t…”

More tears spill down her cheeks, and he knows if Wei Ying were awake he would spring to comfort her. 

“He hid it,” he tells her softly. “You could not have known.”

She makes a sound that is almost pained. 

“I raised him. I knew something was wrong, and I didn’t—“

Jiang Yanli presses her fist against her mouth. 

“I led him to believe I disdained him and wished for him to be punished,” Lan Wangji says.

His failure to communicate had led to the strain of their relationship, to the point where Wei Ying had questioned whether he was still his zhiji, and he will forever regret letting him walk away into the darkness and rain even after that. He empathizes with her completely.

She is silent for a while before she nods.

“Wen-guniang has an idea,” she says. “She said Zewu-Jun pointed out that there is a life debt among our generation. The six of us, A-Xuan, and Nie Huaisang. An auspicious eight. Swearing brotherhood… It could protect A-Xian, and the people here.”

Xiongzhang had hinted at it, and Lan Wangji is glad Wen Qing is furthering the possibility.

“It would tie together the four sects, and the remnants of the Dafan Wen,” he adds, thinking aloud. 

“A-Cheng pointed out that the lotus blossom has eight petals,” she says, smiling wistfully. “He and A-Xian used to talk about being the Twin Prides of Yunmeng. It seems almost like a sign.”

Lan Wangji is struck silent at the idea; the eight auspicious signs are almost sacred, and the imagery would be iconic. The imagery was prevalent at temples—the eternal wheel of life, the endless knot, the conch, the parasol, the lotus… 

The noble eightfold path, an expansion of the threefold way.

Almost implying an expansion of the Venerated Triad, and associating Wei Ying with the noble path regardless of his cultivation.

“Apt,” he says when he finally finds his voice.

“I’ll talk to A-Xuan,” she says, her voice distant. “I know he and A-Xian didn’t get off on the right foot, but he knows I love my didi.”

“Xiongzhang is bringing Chifeng-Zun and Nie Huaisang to see the settlement after your wedding,” Lan Wangji tells her. “I am certain Wen Qing will broach the topic of a sworn brotherhood with them then.”

Jiang Yanli sways slightly, and he panics for a moment; if he needs to move to catch her, it will jostle and wake Wei Ying, and he needs the rest. But she steadies herself, and he is able to gesture to a chair instead, and she takes a seat.

“Hanguang-Jun, since you are my brother’s husband, I wondered if I might call you A-Zhan.”

The request to use his birth name surprises him—xiongzhang had only requested to call Wei Ying by his courtesy name—but she seems earnest about wanting to welcome him to the family. 

“Of course. May I call you… A-Li?”

A smile blossoms across her face, and she nods, looking pleased. 

Then Wei Ying murmurs in his sleep and their attention snaps to him. Lan Wangji strokes his hair gently, letting his fingers brush his scalp in a way he knows soothes him. He settles almost instantly, but he doesn’t stop his ministrations. 

Jiang Yanli, when he next looks up, is watching with a bittersweet look on her face. 

“I used to do that for him,” she says softly, “when he had nightmares. Until he started hiding them.”

Lan Wangji doesn’t know what to say, so only nods. He understands her sense of helplessness, knowing Wei Ying is adept at hiding his pain, would still be hiding it if not for having pulled his wrist away a second too late. 

“I wish he was coming to my wedding,” she confesses, her voice breaking. “He belongs there. But they’d try to kill him.”

He cannot disagree with either statement. Wei Ying should be there, as one of her last remaining family members, even if he did not share her blood, but it would never be permitted. Not now. Not until the plan xiongzhang implied to Wen Qing is put into motion.

But by then she will be married, the wedding over, and Wei Ying will not have been permitted to attend.

“You have done what you can to include him,” he tells her, hoping to soothe her. “He did not expect this much.”

It seems to have the opposite effect, tears lining her cheeks again.

“He never expects anything of us,” she whispers. “Mother made him feel undeserving, like he should feel grateful for any scrap. I try not to hate her for it, but…”

Lan Wangji can understand how she feels, has seen the marks from Zidian on Wei Ying, still healing when he gave his core to his brother, something he has probably hidden from his sister even through everything. And he knows Wei Ying feels he deserves those marks, believing the fall of Lotus Pier to be of his doing. The emotional damage goes far deeper. 

“We can only assure him he deserves more,” he says after a moment. “And be sure to give it to him.”

He has been trying to do so, but it never feels like enough to make up for abandoning him at Qiongqi Path, for failing to join him on the righteous path, even if it is the single-plank one, for making his zhiji believe he reviled him. He understands how Jiang Yanli feels—though perhaps she feels it more deeply, or at least differently, as the person who basically raised him. 

Footsteps approach from the cave entrance, Wen Ning with the tub filled with fresh water, something he has insisted upon doing since it was purchased. At some point during each day, he cleans and fills it, even preparing a fresh sachet of herbs to help Wei Ying recover. Truthfully, even with Lan Wangji’s arm strength he doubts he could lift it as easily as the fierce corpse is able, and he is grateful for his thoughtfulness. 

“Than—thank you for waiting, Jiang-guniang,” he says after setting it down. “Popo is waiting to help us in the k-kitchen with preparing dinner.”

Jiang Yanli favors him with a smile. 

“Thank you, Wen-gongzi.”

“Ah, you c-can just call me Wen Ning,” he says, looking flustered as he often does when people offer respect to him. 

“Then you must call me Jiang Yanli.”

Wen Ning looks like he might protest, but she turns to Lan Wangji before he can, dipping into a proper and respectful bow. 

“A-Zhan, thank you for taking care of A-Xian. It is…”

Her voice cracks, emotions nearly overcoming her again. It takes her a moment to recover. 

“It is a relief to know someone else is here for him when I cannot be. I entrust him to your care.”

The formality, Lan Wangji realizes, is her approval of their union. Warmth spreads through him at her acceptance. 

“However,” she says, a slight smile on her face that is also somehow fierce. “I think you will agree with me that A-Xian deserves a real wedding, at Lotus Pier, as soon as it is possible.”

The image of Wei Ying sitting on a bed in Nightless City in his red underrobes, the joy of his waking mixing with the wish they were wedding robes… that Jiang Yanli wants to ensure they receive that, that their union can be celebrated, if belatedly, in the way Wei Ying deserves to be honored. 

“Yes,” he says softly. “I agree.”

She nods, clearly pleased.

“It will happen, A-Zhan; I’ll make sure of it.”

Lan Wangji has absolutely no doubt she will. 

She leaves with Wen Ning, and he remembers her intention to cool the soup Wei Ying so loves for the settlement. It will be a welcome meal for them all.

Though he could resume playing, Lan Wangji opts to sink into a meditative state instead, waiting. He doesn’t need to wait long, as footsteps that are almost stomps approach and enter the cave.

He is ready to stare at Jiang Wanyin disapprovingly, but the steps hesitate, becoming uncertain, on the way to the alcove. 

“He’s still resting,” Lan Wangji says before he can speak. 

Jiang Wanyin’s face does something strange, going soft for a moment as he gazes at his brother and nephew, the top of A-Yuan’s head just visible poking out from beneath the blanket. Then his expression shutters.

“He needs the rest, then?” he asks.

“Mn. He is recovering. He also was giving most of his food to A-Yuan before I arrived. He is finally eating properly.”

The muscles in the Jiang sect leader’s jaw clench, working as though he’s stopping himself from saying something—or, more likely, yelling.

“He always gives too much,” Jiang Wanyin says finally. 

Lan Wangji nods; he agrees with that assessment. 

“I want to bring him back to Lotus Pier.”

The announcement is unexpected, and he reconsiders his assessment of the man. 

“He will not leave these people.”

“I know that. The Wens too, of course.”

“They do not wish to be known as Wens,” Lan Wangji tells him, and watches Wei Ying sleep for a moment to be certain he won’t hear before continuing. “I believe they hope to take on Wei as a family name. They have not broached the subject with Wei Ying yet.”

Jiang Wanyin sits heavily in the chair his sister vacated, sighing. 

“He’ll do that thing. Where he belittles himself,” he says, his voice rough. “It’s like he believes all the awful things a-niang said about him.”

Because he does believe them, Lan Wangji is well aware. His anger at a dead woman is unbecoming, but it will likely never fade. She trained Wei Ying to see himself as worthless, as a charity case, when he was one of the best cultivators of their generation. Even without his core, he was still inventing tools to help the cultivation world that slanders and wishes him dead. 

“Not that I’m much better. He’s my brother and I fucking abandoned him,” Jiang Wanyin mutters. “And I accused him of abandoning me, on top of it. When—when he left a big piece of himself with me to protect me.”

It occurs to Lan Wangji that perhaps both Jiang Wanyin and Jiang Yanli suffered their own childhood traumas associated with bad parenting, that this is perhaps just a variation of that which has led Wei Ying down his path of self-destruction through giving too much, through not valuing himself. His own troubled upbringing led him to value his clan and the Lan rules over his zhiji, to believe his identity must be tied up in being a perceived paragon of Lan virtue above all else. Theirs led to Wei Ying’s isolation as well. 

“You had no way of knowing,” he says. “Now that you know, you are trying to help him.”

What they do now does not absolve them of their wrongs, but it is a start. 

Jiang Wanyin’s jaw clenches again, then releases when he sighs. 

“I can’t undo the shitty stuff I said to him. You’ll come to Lotus Pier with him, right?”

“Of course,” Lan Wangji says, surprised that’s in question. “He’s my husband.”

He receives a nod in response.

“He’ll need bigger quarters, then, for you and A-Yuan. I could give him a-niang’s old quarters, but I don’t know if he’d want to live where she did. He deserves them as my head disciple, so maybe if I remodel them…”

Jiang Wanyin seems to be thinking out loud. 

“Wei Ying is still your head disciple?” he asks, having not realized. 

“Yeah,” Jiang Wanyin says, then grimaces. “I never took him off the register. Kicking him out was for show, because he insisted. He never stopped being head disciple, but he probably doesn’t realize that.”

He likely doesn’t, knowing Wei Ying. Wei Ying, who still believes himself responsible for the fall of Lotus Pier, for the deaths that were a part of it. Even being head disciple, there will be much he cannot do, lacking a golden core. 

“I can help with his duties,” Lan Wangji offers impulsively. 

Jiang Wanyin blinks at him, startled, then smiles in a way that makes him look painfully young.

“Appreciated. He’ll… Well, he’ll need help with some of it. At least until Wen Qing figures out a way to help him.”

Lan Wangji realizes the Jiang sect leader is still hoping there’s a solution, that Wei Ying will again achieve the impossible. 

“She’s going to make a list of things she’ll need to get started,” Jiang Wanyin continues. “And I’ll work to get ahold of them.”

A-Yuan stirs before Lan Wangji can reply. 

“Loud,” he murmurs. “A-Die sleeping, shhhh.”

He wriggles his way out from under the blanket, somehow managing not to disturb Wei Ying as he does, then crawls off the bed.

“Jiang-shushu loud.” 

His voice is pitched in an almost theatrical whisper, and Jiang Wanyin snorts in amusement. 

“Okay,” he whispers back, also theatrical. “Let’s leave your a-die to sleep and go find guma, then.”

A-Yuan glances back at Wei Ying, then at Lan Wangji, who nods encouragingly. Then he turns back to Jiang Wanyin and holds his arms up expectantly. 

Jiang Wanyin stands, pulling A-Yuan into his arms as he does. 

“I’ll watch the kid. It looks like everyone else is busy right now.”

Lan Wangji simply nods in response. A-Yuan chatters softly to his uncle as they make their way out of the cave, leaving him alone with Wei Ying.

Jiang Wanyin’s absence is a relief. He finds it difficult still not to resent him for his choice to abandon Wei Ying, for the fact that Wei Ying’s core now rests within him, even for his desperate hope that his brother will somehow heal enough to form a new one. In far too many ways, it’s not enough, just as anything Lan Wangji does now cannot make up for his own failures.

He reminds him of Wei Ying’s mortality, as unfair as that may be.

Resentment will help nothing, may even be exacerbated now by the Burial Mounds, so Lan Wangji works to focus instead on the sensation of Wei Ying’s hair against his fingers, the weight of his head on his thigh, his soft breaths, and he is eventually able to fall into a sort of meditation until Wen Qing comes to fetch them.

“Jiang-zongzhu set up the tablets for the adoption rites, so we can start with those,” she tells Wei Ying once he’s awake.

Wei Ying stares at her blearily for a moment.

“Adopting A-Yuan,” Lan Wangji prompts gently. 

Wen Qing gives him a disapproving look. 

“He’s very excited, and your siblings can serve as witnesses.”

“Right. Sorry. Been a long day,” Wei Ying murmurs, then glances at Lan Wangji. “It’s still today, right?”

Lan Wangji brushes a lock of hair back from his face. 

“Mm. You slept only a few hours.”

Wei Ying melts into his touch, and he leans forward to brush his lips against his forehead. Wen Qing clears her throat and drops a bundle on the bed.

“Your sister also made Jiang-zongzhu go back into town and buy nice clothing for you and A-Yuan for the adoption rites.”

She indicates the bundle.

“So hurry up and get changed. She cooked up a feast, and everyone’s hungry. I think she’s determined to give you a proper wedding banquet.”

Wen Qing, ever brusque, turns on her heel and leaves before either of them can respond.

Wei Ying opens the bundle on the bed, blinking at the high quality clothing. The fabric, at a glance, looks black, but has threadwork in a deep blue and purple. It sends a message from Jiang Wanyin: Wei Ying is of the Jiang sect still. A red underrobe, new zhong yi, a red silk hair ribbon embroidered with little pink lotuses, and even new boots complete the package.

“Aiya, Jiang Cheng… How can I wear these?”

“You were not removed from the sect registry. He insists you are still his head disciple. 

“Oh,” Wei Ying breathes, taking a heavy seat on the bed, clearly overwhelmed. 

Lan Wangji wonders if he should tell Wei Ying the rest—that Jiang Wanyin intends to bring everyone at Burial Mounds to Lotus Pier permanently when it is feasible. But he will leave that to the Jiang sect leader. 

Instead he opens his qiankun pouch and pulls out the light blue robes he arrived wearing, which he hasn’t worn in days. If dinner is in part for them, he should dress appropriately, as well.

Changing takes little time, though Lan Wangji has Wei Ying sit for his hair to be combed and put back in its crown, as it came loose as he slept. 

The entire settlement is waiting for them in the hall when they enter, and though only Wen Qing has seen an official adoption rite, she demurs from describing it. 

“It was Wen Zhuliu’s, so it feels like bad luck to copy it,” she says when pressed. 

None of them argue. 

“We should have seen an adoption rite,” Jiang Wanyin mutters. 

Wei Ying seems not to have heard, focused on A-Yuan. He takes the child’s hand and leads him to the space where someone has set up an altar with his parents’ tablets, complete with sticks of incense and food offerings: three cups holding tea, water, and Jifu’s fruit wine, plates with small stacks of oranges and sweets. A fire burns in a small brazier in front of the altar, a stack of joss paper set nearby. 

For a moment, Wei Ying is completely silent, looking at the altar as though struck. 

Jiang Yanli breaks the silence. 

“You’ve never been able to venerate them,” she murmurs.

Lan Wangji understands suddenly: there was no place set for Wei Ying’s parents’ tablets at Lotus Pier, and so his husband has never been able to properly pay them respects—cruel, given their bodies were never found to begin with. 

“Thank you, shijie.”

His voice is heavy with emotion, and he kneels and gestures to A-Yuan to do the same. 

Wei Ying keeps it simple, first apologizing for being unable to do his filial duty for them, kowtowing before them. A-Yuan copies him dutifully, and this receives smiles from the others. 

“A-Die, a-niang, I want to introduce my son to you, Wei Yuan. He may not share my blood, but he is your sunzi. I ask you to help me protect and guide him, if you are able. This one will do a better job honoring you in the future.”

He murmurs something to A-Yuan, who bows as best he can.

“Wei Yuan greets yeye and nainai. A-Yuan will burn joss and incense and clean your altar. A-Yuan promises to be filial.”

They light the incense using the brazier, then burn joss together, letting the paper fall into the flame piece by piece.

Lan Wangji longs to join them, to thank Wei Ying’s parents for bringing him into the world, and Wei Ying turns to him as though hearing those thoughts. When his husband gestures, he steps forward to take his place kneeling beside him. 

“A-Die, a-niang, I also want to introduce you to my husband,” Wei Ying says, blushing as though they’ve not been wed over a week. “We completed our bows, but not before your tablets.”

They bow together, three times again.

“Fuqin, muqin, thank you for Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji says, bowing one last time alone. “I promise to honor him, and to protect him and Wei Yuan.”

They burn the remaining joss together, as a family, before standing. 

Jiang Yanli rushes forward to hug Wei Ying, who pulls Lan Wangji and A-Yuan into it. There’s a warmth to it that he isn’t used to, his own family reserved, and it surprises him as much as xiongzhang’s hug did. 

“Ah, I have a new didi and an adorable zizhi!” she says happily, then pulls at their arms as she releases them from the embrace. “We prepared a nice meal to celebrate, come!”

The tables are covered in dishes, the serving bowls and platters clearly heated by talismans to keep the food at an ideal temperature. 

“The guests of honor fill their plates first,” popo says insistently, clicking her tongue when Wei Ying gestures for her to go ahead. “A-Xian is still too thin!”

Wei Ying startles at the affectionate address and she smiles and pats his arm. 

Lan Wangji steps forward first, recognizing the futility of refusing popo’s demand. There is a bowl with chili sauce on the table, likely Wei Ying’s favorite kind. The dishes range from the familiar—the lotus root and pork rib soup he was introduced to earlier in a huge tureen, braised pork belly with mushrooms and bok choy, tea eggs, fried radish cakes, baozi, cucumber salad, sautéed dock root and millet with Sichuan peppercorns that would make his mouth numb—to the unfamiliar. He recognizes noodles cooked with what looks like water spinach and shaved carrot, mixed with, upon closer look, crisp-fried silkworm pupae. 

He doesn’t realize Wei Ying is beside him until he makes an intrigued noise. 

“Where did we get those? Shijie, did you bring them?”

“A-Ning found a copse of mulberry a few nights ago,” Wen Qing tells them. “He brought the silkworm cocoons to the aunties to unwind so we can sell the silk. He harvested the berries, too.”

“We—we cooked them with d-dessert,” Wen Ning adds. 

Though he is aware that silkworm pupae are commonly sold at market when silk is harvested, Lan Wangji has never had occasion to try them. Despite the fact that silk is harvested by the GusuLan weavers and used in robes for the clan, the production is kept out of the Cloud Recesses because the cocoons are boiled to extract the intact silk, killing the pupae in the process, and killing any creature, even an insect, is prohibited within the bounds of the Cloud Recesses. Presumably the pupae are sold in Caiyi, but meat is not a staple in his home. 

But he was raised not to be a picky eater, and insects are a viable source of protein, something sorely needed by the people living here. Wei Ying seems content to serve himself and A-Yuan a large helping, so Lan Wangji does the same, placing a wide variety of dishes on his own plate to sample, but avoiding the chili sauce for the sake of his palate. 

“I put in fewer peppercorns than I usually do,” Jiang Yanli murmurs to him. “I know you like milder dishes.”

He nods his thanks, and lets her press a bowl of soup into his free hand. 

She follows him with two more to place before Wei Ying and A-Yuan, then pinches her brother’s cheek as though he’s a child. 

“Eat the whole plate, Xianxian, and then you’ll get dessert.”

He is quietly pleased when Wei Ying plays along with a bright smile. 

“But what if Xianxian wants more?”

She leans forward and kisses his brow like a mother might. 

“Xianxian can have as much as he wants. Popo and Wen Ning helped me cook plenty. And dessert is mulberry millet pudding sweetened with honey, so I know you’ll like it.”

Then she turns to A-Yuan and favors him with the same treatment. 

“You too. Eat plenty so you can grow big and strong.”

“A-Die plants me with the radishes so I will!” A-Yuan says proudly, and those within earshot laugh. 

Jiang Yanli’s laughter is not unlike the gentle ringing of the bells the Jiang sect wears at their belts. She turns to him, patting his shoulder affectionately. 

“A-Zhan as well. Your strength is important. More than three bowls if you want.”

The reference to the rules of the Cloud Recesses is nostalgic, but not in a painful way. It is more a reminder that he will now uphold the rules as he sees fit, now that his home is Wei Ying. 

They are surrounded by familiar chatter, the smell of food of a more quality fare than any at the Burial Mounds have had in some time, and the warmth of family. 

He hopes this can be the sort of happiness that awaits them for some time.

----------------

In my culture, generally we don’t eat insects/bugs and often find it intrinsically disgusting. I’ve never eaten insects/bugs. However, my biases are not applicable to the culture I am writing into. My understanding from friends is that there are many insects and arachnids commonly eaten in China. A close friend of mine has eaten ant eggs, grasshoppers, and other insects. Another has mentioned tacos that involve insects as a common ingredient in Mexico. In China, markets often have fried scorpions on a stick, grasshoppers, and many other insects as street food for purchase.

Given life on the Burial Mounds involves a lot of scraping by, I’d imagine some of their meals involve insects, which culturally wouldn’t be unusual. Likely if there were insects in the Burial Mounds, eating them helped Wei Wuxian survive them. They’d be an important source of protein.

While silkworm pupae are often fried in peanut oil and eaten on skewers or like nuts, from my research, my friend believed the dish I concocted in here was believable. (I also researched what the taste and texture is, but decided not to include it.) She also said the dessert of mulberry millet pudding is something eaten in southern China, which I didn’t know—I just knew it sounded like it’d be delicious.

In terms of the millet, meta discussions of MDZS have involved the fact that millet was likely more common (and less expensive) than rice at rough time of the setting, so I included that.

My friend was kind enough to read for cultural sensitivity regarding the auspicious eight, adoption rites, and ancestor veneration, so I hope they read well. This is a chapter I was particularly worried about because of the cultural aspects, and I hope it reads well.

[maomaosmother]

Hey everyone! I don't do analysis stuff on here much, mostly because I normally don't have such detailed thought on my headcanons. So this won’t be a regular occurrence. But ever since the newest episodes of Mao Mao, I've seen a lot of reasons and examples that support my headcanon of Mao Mao having an anxiety disorder. This analysis will contain detailed spoilers for Scared of Puppets, so please be cautious of that! If you’re interested in reading this, please look below! If you disagree with any of this, that’s okay! I respect all thoughts and other headcanons, this is all for fun anyways ;

As someone who has Generalized Anxiety, also known as GAD, this subject is very important to me, and it'd be nice if it was shown correctly more often in cartoons. Most cartoon characters I've seen with anxious habits are just screaming or hiding in a room when confronted with what they're afraid of, and they get over it by the end of the episode. But with Mao Mao, it has felt so different. I've seen tons of signs that make me feel as if he could be suffering from at least one form of anxiety.

Personally, it feels like he has GAD like myself, but he could also have a form of PTSD. PTSD is also an anxiety disorder, if you didn't know! It's very possible to have both, which is called Comorbid Anxiety. I want to try and go in order of the episodes we've had released in the first season, to make it easier to understand all my reasons. So, with that being said, I want to start with the episode that made me feel that anxiety was even a possibility to notice in Mao Mao's canon character; Episode 7, Not Impressed. 

Not Impressed was the first heavy, serious type of episode we got in the series. Mao Mao is clearly happy when gaining the attention of his citizens, so it's extremely noticeable when he gets angry and upset that one single person isn't as thrilled or, as titled, impressed. People with anxiety disorders tend to do two things: they focus on the tiny negative instead of the positives that surround them, and they quickly link their present problems to their past. Both of these are immediately shown, as child Mao Mao is repeatedly popping up in his mind, begging for his father's attention. He forgets about the praise he was just receiving, as all focus is now on the negative. In fact, it happens every time his attempts at impressing him fail. Everyone in the valley seems interested in him, some even watching his dance moves in the middle of the episode. But all he cares about is Blue, nothing is important right then except getting his positive feedback. It doesn't mean everyone with anxiety who feels like this is selfish, it all links back to fearing failure or rejection. Whether it happened in their past, or they were raised to always be right and successful, anxiety disorders can affect your emotions when negative reactions or feedback is thrown your way. In Mao Mao's case, his link in his life is none other than Shin Mao. 

Shin Mao has neglected him for almost all his life. I won't go into the whole family thing, since all of you reading this probably already know about that. But long story short, he's a mentally abusive father. The first glimpse we see of this is in this episode, where the younger version of Mao Mao is ignored by his father, who focuses on only his older sisters. This clearly had a heavy impact on him, and we learn just how bad it was in future episodes ( that I'll talk about ). Blue is eventually tricked into saying he was impressed by Mao Mao, who technically was Chubbum, and a desperate Mao Mao took it anyways. He ends the episode by accidentally talking about his father during an excited shout, and is taken into a therapy session. It hasn't been clarified ever since this episode if Mao Mao still attends therapy, but I am personally hoping he does. This was only the first sign that caught my eye, and there's still more to unpack. Such as, my next point, episode 10: Bao Bao's Revenge. 

Like the family point, most of you should already know Bao Bao, so I won't go too much into that whole backstory. But, it IS a huge point in my Comorbid Anxiety headcanon. People with anxiety have a horrible time with trust. Mao Mao was betrayed by his friend in a tragic way, his tail being taken. While Bao Bao didn't do it on purpose and was just being a typical dog, Mao Mao has very clearly not gotten over it. He has held this grudge for years, and with this grudge, he attempts to push it onto others. Most people with anxiety, including myself, can have this problem: if they see a person as bad, they are hurt or irritated if others don't. That person hurt THEM, so how could anyone see that person as a kind and loving person? Why is karma not biting them yet? They're difficult thoughts to deal with, as it can be unhealthy and affect your other relationships. Mao Mao prepares the villagers for Bao Bao's "vicious attack", and describes him as a horrific monster. When it's revealed that he's a small pup, and the sweetiepies get angry, Mao Mao's frustration increases. He doesn't understand how anyone can see him as harmless or cute. This is a big insecurity issue. Insecurity is a symptom for GAD. 

While Mao Mao does temporarily put his grudge to the side to defeat a monster with Bao Bao, it doesn't go away. As soon as its over, he says he isn't sure whether or not to forgive. After a heartfelt reminder of their memories together, he does eventually forgive Bao Bao and immediately starts planning their life together. This actually happens at least four times in the series; here, "I Love You Mao Mao", "Outfoxed" and in "Baost In Show". It feels like an overthinking symptom, which is a huge GAD/PTSD sign. He quickly lists off his expectations for the future, his dreams of impressing his father and sisters, spending a lifetime with Bao Bao, getting into different scenarios, etc. Overwhelming thoughts of one's future is common in people with anxiety, as you are afraid of not having that "perfect" life you desire. While it is true that people who don't have anxiety disorders also overthink and hope for a great future, it's a pretty frequent thing seen in Mao Mao, more often than the average person. 

Believe it or not, the next three episodes following Bao Bao's Revenge also have signs of comorbid anxiety. 

"Popularity Conquest" has a lot of lore in Mao Mao's self-esteem. He is so desperate to be loved and appreciated, he's willing to change his attitude and appearance. This pink-clothed, higher-voiced, "hipster" Mao Mao was a huge cry for positive attention. This, again, links back to the neglect he received as a child. GAD is more into play with this issue; Too much negative feedback causes him to explode in anger. However, he soon shuts down, deciding to no longer do the right thing, but to try and give the villagers what they like. Mao Mao seems to frequently battle with himself like this, wanting to follow all the hero rules he was taught, but also wanting to give in to his wishes and be given the love and appreciation he never received before. Comorbid anxiety is full of these types of challenges, unsure of what is better for you or what lies ahead. What would he lose or gain from each choice he has to choose from? It's a common battle we see him face in the series. 

"Sick Mao" is leaning more towards GAD, with his illness being an obstacle he believes he can handle with no correct treatments. Heroes being sick is a sign of weakness to him, and he most likely learned this from Shin. He attempts to go along his day, refusing to believe he's sick up to the point where he faints and can no longer deny it. While this is a mix of regular stubbornness, it's clear that he fears not being strong or seen as a hero if he's ill. He gets upset once he finally admits to it, and it takes a lot for him to realize he can still be a hero without having to put himself at a health risk. Mao Mao's constant repetition of "being sick means he's weak" and "heroes aren't weak" is something he's had drilled into his brain by his family, and he believed it for so long due to his fear of disappointing them. This episode showed Mao Mao's agitation, self-destructive behavior, and flashbacks/fears of his past. 

"Thumb War" isn't as different as the points I just made above, in which we see Mao Mao expressing his irrational and unrealistic behaviors once more. Shin expects a hero to always win, and that there's no point in any kind of competition if you don't win it. Mao Mao has also stuck this into his brain, so when he loses, he shows clear agitation and even embarrassment. He learns by the episode that he can lose and still have fun, but again, it took a lot for him to do so ( Adorabat getting upset and giving up, the village seeing his paws, etc. ). 

In case you weren't sure already, GAD is more than just expressing anxious emotions. It can also cause irritation, in which the person can explode in anger if it's too much for their mind to handle. It can also cause unrealistic thoughts of issues and situations. Mao Mao shows this often, with the mental scarring of his childhood usually lingering behind him. The next episode I wanted to bring up for a moment was "Legend of Torbaclaun", which really expressed how unfamiliar Mao Mao is with the concept of "fun". 

Mao Mao is always taking things seriously, sometimes a bit too much at the wrong time and place. This could be from his anxious thoughts of failing at his job as a hero, who should always stay on guard at all times. Letting loose isn't easy for him, and certainly isn't something he's familiar with. People with GAD typically see situations as threatening or serious, when they really aren't. This is basically the theme of the episode, Mao Mao doesn't see the Torbaclaun, yet others say they can and are setting up a whole get-together for its supposed arrival. He does everything he can to stop it, fearing the chaos that he believes could ensue. He goes from getting angry, to upset, to angry and upset again. He only realizes how much he's affected people once they show sadness, and it clearly wasn't his intention to send them home in disappointment. It's almost as if he never truly understood that fun is different for people, and not everything is a serious matter. It also further proves my point that all of this is built on fear when the end of the episode does, in fact, end in a chaotic riot. Mao Mao is seen freaking out, blaming himself for the chaos. 

Most of the following episodes after this one show the same smaller signs that I already explored, like his refusal to believe rules are made up or unnecessary in "Meet Tanya Keys" and pretty much the entire episode of "Small". I saw these signs, but I never really felt as if it was enough to write an analysis or anything. The anxiety headcanon felt more like a "What if" or "Possibly" thing. But what really sealed the deal for me, and what made me write this whole thing in the first place, is the episode "Scared of Puppets". Just a warning in case you didn't read earlier, this will contain high spoilers, so don't continue on if you don't want to be spoiled. With that being clarified, let's break this episode down. 

This one is about exactly what the title states, Mao Mao's fear of ventriloquist dummies. It starts off with him seeing the dummy for the first time, inside a box Badgerclops carries. Immediately after, he begins to sweat and panic, going to a flashback of himself at his birthday party. He experiences automatic anxiety just by looking at the puppet, but when its head falls off and into his lap, he screams in understandable terror. We go back to Mao Mao rocking back and forth on the floor, possibly an attempt to calm himself. He is jumpy, sweaty and even has a shakier voice throughout this episode going forward. Which, I want to applaud Parker for, because it was very well done. He tries to gather himself in front of his deputies, especially Adorabat. He can't even look at the puppet without gagging, and eventually pukes after Badgerclops purposely terrorizes him with it. Nausea and vomiting are definitely common in anxiety disorders, nerves at such a high level upsets your stomach and can also flare up your acid reflux, if you have that issue. 

He still refuses to admit his fears, which irritates Badgerclops and worries Adorabat. Most people with GAD don't like to be open with their struggles, especially if they feel weak or like they've been worrying too much in recent times. Plus, this isn't an uncommon thing for him - denying his struggles and refusing to change can be a nervous habit. Especially when such intense fear, like this one, is occurring. Mao Mao is soon in a CPR class, where Badgerclops hands him a bag that contains the dummy. He is told to demonstrate mouth to mouth procedures on the dummy, and again, we see Mao Mao gagging just at the sight and thought of touching it. He stares down at the puppet in a sweat, his face even turning paler and he closes his eyes as his mind races. His thoughts go back to his father telling him not to be scared, with a bonus punch to the gut of hearing Shin Mao not remembering Mao Mao's age. This is the thought that triggers his first anxiety attack, in which he opens his eyes, screams, and runs off the table. To some people, it may seem like just a typical freakout, but as someone with GAD, this is a very frequent thing that happens similar to this. Sometimes a simple, specific thought can be your breaking point that you can't control. Of course, this is still a cartoon, so during his anxiety attack, he tries desperately to run away from the dummy ( which unfortunately hooks onto his cape ) and ends up causing a fire explosion. Badgerclops knows for a fact at this point about his fear, but Mao Mao still denies it, even after panicking in front of him. 

The next scene, which is set at night time, shows multiple GAD symptoms that were more intense than usual. He is restless for most of the night, getting upset and angry that he's scared. He's in tears and eventually punching the wall furiously, telling himself he's not scared of the dummy. It's close to another breaking point, in which he gets up and goes to try and relax in the kitchen. In there, he ends up running into the dummy laying on the kitchen table. He gets scared at first, then attempts to face his fear by picking it up and slapping it. This isn't enough, obviously, and gets terrified when it slightly moves. He puts it quickly in a wrapped box, and this begins the start of a nightmare sequence. He's hiding under the table, where both the puppet ( in a gigantic form ) and Shin Mao are present. He's terrorized for being scared, and the nightmare ends with him nearly getting eaten by said puppet. He wakes up screaming, sweating and clearly dazed. Nightmares, or even night terrors, are also symptoms for GAD. Mao Mao is clearly having higher anxiety levels than usual, to the point that its affecting his usual sleep patterns. 

This last scene I want to explain in detail, is by far, the heaviest and most clear reason for my headcanon. It hit me hard personally, and I tear up when I watch it. Because I know how Mao Mao feels in this scene, how his physical and mental state functions during such an attack. 

After Mao Mao wakes up from his nightmare, the trio is quickly on a call for a monster attack. At the setting, the stand full of puppets is there, which Mao Mao tries to avoid at first. After the monster hits the stand and sends the puppets flying, they unfortunately land all around Mao Mao in a circle. His anxiety is triggered instantly, trying to keep himself from panicking. He slowly goes from a stand to a crawl, going less verbal and more shaky. Adorabat is attempting to encourage him, and reminding him that admitting his fears is okay, and that they're there to help. He then experiences a big hallucination of being surrounded by puppets, followed by hearing the repeated words of his father. About how he can't tell them he's scared and that he isn't allowed to show weakness, that heroes are never afraid. This can be viewed as a bit of a sensory overload, which is a symptom for multiple things, such as GAD and Autism. But he is then seen closing his eyes, barely able to stare at Adorabat, who is trying to comfort him. He's shaking and stuttering, almost going into a heavy panic attack. When a panic attack hits you hard, you don't want to stare at anything or try to stand or speak, your body is basically overwhelmed and needs to slowly relax before attempting to move. He also seems to have his hands near his chest, which leads to possibly another GAD symptom; Chest pain. He is attempting to tell himself he's fearless, but it becomes too much, and he finally gets the energy to yell that he's afraid of puppets. 

The end of the puppet episode is also a fascinating touch, in addition to what I mentioned at the start of this analysis: Mao Mao doesn't get over his fears! Which I'm happy about, not because I want him to keep going through his fear, but because it's realistic. Fears and anxiety doesn't go away overnight, as much as I wish. I believe Mao Mao is still in the middle of the improving process. So, it's good to know that he's still not okay with the thought of puppets or how his past with them occurred.

It felt really good to write all this out! I really hope I make sense in this, I do tend to ramble on sometimes, so my apologies. In conclusion, these are reasons why I believe Mao Mao has Comorbid Anxiety, especially GAD. Will we see more signs of Mao Mao struggling with anxiety disorder symptoms? Maybe so, I'd be shocked and honestly disappointed if we don't! It's a very important thing to address, that most kids don't seem to understand the sincerity of these days. There's a big difference between regular anxiety, and anxiety disorders. 

If you read this whole thing, BLESS you and I'd love to hear your thoughts on my reasons and headcanon! Thank you so much!