#i’m being too hard on myself and keep comparing myself to others LOL

[stuckinapril]

how do you fall in love with yourself

unlearn the idea that confidence is conceit. i see this belief imposed on women especially, that if they’re very unapologetic about loving themselves it automatically means they’re narcissistic / think they’re better than everybody else. that’s not true at all. you can love yourself while also acknowledging you’re not inherently better than anyone else. you can love yourself while also being kind & supportive to others. it’s okay to be both of these things at once.

let go of the scarcity mindset. women (everyone really, but especially women) get pitted/compared against each other all the time. you see it w female celebrities in the media, but it’s very prevalent in real life as well. this is very much years of societal conditioning & both women & men partake in this behavior. ignore it. rest easy knowing that there can be multiple beautiful women, multiple smart women, multiple funny women in any environment at any given time. there is enough clout to go around; you don’t need to feel like if there’s another pretty/smart girl it means you no longer have the space to also be a pretty/smart girl. instead operate from an abundance mindset: always (alwaysss) be happy for other girls when they succeed, when they’re praised, when they’re loved, whatever. see them not as competition but as inspiration. envy is such a colossal waste of time bc nobody else’s accomplishments have any bearing on your own!!

get to know yourself more. i love the analogy of dating yourself bc it’s true. i went through a rough period of being around my ex 24/7 to the point i didn’t even know myself, and then i spent the post-breakup year hanging around everyone else constantly to numb my thoughts. now i’m spending more time alone than ever & i’m getting to know myself so much. learning about my taste in fashion, music, everything. and i’ve had so much more time to invest in hobbies & skills, which is very instrumental to building healthy self-esteem. ofc there’s a more balanced way to do this, but make sure you’re not running away from yourself!

what do you like outside of everybody’s opinion? don’t interpret this the wrong way—it’s completely fine to be inspired. every single person you know has copied someone else to an extent. but if you find yourself going too far, not trusting yourself to make the simplest decisions, just following trends blindly and nothing else, you’ve left the inspiration territory and started crossing into plagiarism. move from a place of self-direction and really think about what is naturally appealing to you. it doesn’t matter if it’s not popular or nobody else likes it. if you like it & if it makes you happy, that’s all you need.

practice self-love! i had to do this lol but it works wonders. i started intentionally telling myself that i trust my own taste, that i trust my own choices, that if i think something’s cool it’s good enough, talking to myself kindly etc etc. eventually all this stuff will become natural to you & you won’t find yourself having to expend so much energy into simply loving you for you. don’t give up even if it’s hard to believe at times.

don’t give a fuck. seriously. just don’t give a single flying fuck what someone else has to say. there will always be That One Person who tries to tear you down, belittles you, gaslights you etc etc and if you know in your heart you’re not doing anything wrong, just ignore and keep it pushing. you can’t be everyone’s favorite person (nor should you want to be). think of your favorite celebrity. anyone ever. they probably all got subjected to hate. now think of how they’re successful still & how it didn’t take anything away from them. there you go <3

if literally everyone on this planet starts hating you, loving yourself is still the antidote. to clarify, how others perceive us does hold weight. but if legit every single person i know started hating me, and i still loved myself, i’d probably still live a full life bc my perception is all that really matters in the end. i don’t need anyone else to be my #1 fan—i can do that myself just fine. it technically is actually your world & everyone else is just living in it. so enjoy that! stop giving a hard time to the one person who will always be w you through thick and thin (yourself). eat good food & watch good shows & read good books & just have fun. i love u

[anniflamma]

This isn't a question, but rather a love letter to your art<3.

Thanks to you, I've started enjoying Greek mythology and the Bible again (I mean from a point of artistic, mythological, historical, and theological analysis; my status with any kind of religion is being agnostic XD).

And I already enjoyed Epic the Musical, but I really love the designs you make, how you empathize with the symbolism and lore of the Gods when designing them, and how you make Odysseus so human with his crude expressions that makes me empathize with him (And he's one of the characters I hated the most from Greek mythology lol)

And then there’s your art about the bible, I have to admit that I tend to avoid the biblical religion because of the weight it still has on our daily lives, the damage it has done from the past to this day, and how they deny it with current hypocrisy (I live in Spain, there the official religion is catholic), but your lgbt drawings have really encouraged me to open the bible and see it from an objective and neutral point of view, and just enjoy it as another book and not as something I’m forced to follow.

Also I didn’t know there was so much LGBT content in the bible XD Seriously, thank you so much, if you had a patreon, I would pay you for the amount of happiness and culture you have given me (^///^)

By the way, reading your posts I found out that you recently experienced an internet drama that has become so popular lately. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry that both you and that poor artist had to go through this, that human hypocrisy has no limits or shame, and that I agree with everything you say. Just because we like a character or an author doesn't mean we agree with their crimes or ideologies.

I hope you have a nice day<3

Hi! I’m sorry it took me a while to respond! I mean it, I’ve read this over and over, and it makes me so happy. I’ve been thinking about how to respond, but sometimes it's hard to get it out into words.

It makes me so happy that my biggest interests make others interested in it too. Heck, when people ask questions, I get all giddy!

Talking about biblical/christian saints, greek myths, history, different cultural views and changes was kind of the whole point of why I started this tumblr blog. I have so many drafts filled with random info about LGBTQ+ saints..... Now… I post mostly thirsty drawings of greek gods with hairy chests... T.T

And I sympathize a lot when it comes to religious trauma. I consider myself lucky in these matters, my mom is Catholic, and she has her views that I don’t agree with and hurtful. Yet she still supports me in her way and watching my bible retelling animatics, everytime I post a new bible animatic, she writes me: "What have you done to Daniel..."

I also have my hurts and anger towards hypocrisies too, and I guess this is my way of countering that?

LGBT content in the Bible is something that really fascinates me. I think it's important to keep in mind that people from about 2,500 years ago had very different views when it came to gender and sex compared to how we see it today. In a way, the Bible does have strict social gender expectations, and if you didn’t fit in, then you weren’t considered part of that gender. But at the same time, it acknowledges that your sex. I think it’s in the Talmud were it discusses the fact that, throughout the Bible, there were about eight genders:

Zachar: male.

Nekevah: female.

Androgynos: having both male and female characteristics.

Tumtum: lacking sexual characteristics.

Aylonit hamah: identified as female at birth but later naturally developed male characteristics.

Aylonit adam: identified as female at birth but later developed male characteristics through human intervention.

Saris hamah: identified as male at birth but later naturally developed female characteristics.

Saris adam: identified as male at birth but later developed female characteristics through human intervention.

Some scholars even believe that Abraham and Sarah were Tumtum. A Tumtum is not considered to be very distinct but rather flexible between male and female sex/gender—"sometimes he is a man, and sometimes he is a woman." The simple fact that God said Abraham had a womb and from it, he would have children. Some say that this is why he is a Tumtum, while some historical linguists argue that ancient Hebrew didn’t have the vocabulary for male genitalia yet. Both arguments are valid, and I like them both!

There’s tons of stuff I could bring up—Joseph with his princess dress, Naomi and Ruth, David and Jonathan, and the discussions around whether Daniel was a Saris Hamah or a Saris Adam. We know he was called a saris, but we’re just not sure which. And then there's Jael, whose story is filled with a lot of phallic symbolism, and even her name is very gender-neutral.

I think I’m going to end here. I could yap about these things forever! But thank you again taking your time writing to me and I hope you also have a nice day! <3

[rebouks]

Previous // Next

[Brodie flicked through the mail, instantly recognising the scrawling handwriting of a certain redheaded little boy. Scaring a few birds in the process, he bellowed up the stairs: ALEEEEX!] Alex: [breathless] Is it for me?! Brodie: Nah, but I could do with some help carrying this super heavy envelope upstairs. Alex: Who do you think you are, Johnny Zest? Brodie: I’m better than that guy, c’mon…

… Hi Alex! Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to you, I promise I didn’t forget! I guess I just didn’t really know what to say cos I’ve sorta not felt like myself recently. My mom says I disappear into my own world sometimes so I sorta did that again and found it hard to think of anything fun to say. I don’t think I’d mind if you wrote to me about the less fun parts of your life though n’ my dad says you shouldn’t really keep everything to yourself all the time cos it ends up hurting so I thought I’d write anyway n’ just force myself not to worry about being boring or whatever. Your letters and your life always sound so exciting compared to mine though so sometimes it’s hard not to!!

I got in a fight at school which sounds like it should be an exciting story, but it wasn’t really. There’s this kid called Levi in my class that always picks on me (don’t worry though, I don’t care about that) and I couldn’t be bothered listening to him anymore so I hit him a couple times, I thought he’d hit me back but he just freaked out so I sorta felt bad about it afterward. He still makes fun of me but he doesn’t get up in my face as much so that’s a plus. Who says violence doesn’t solve anything? Hahaha I’m kidding! It wasn’t nice of me but maybe he should know better than to push people around so much.

I’m looking forward to summer so I can wander off a bit more and maybe it won’t rain so much! My mom doesn’t really like it when I go too far but as long as I’m back before curfew she tries not to freak out about it which is nice of her cos she knows I like to explore n’ stuff. I shouldn’t complain about my family cos I love them n’ stuff but I like being on my own sometimes and it’d be nice to have a bit of peace now n’ then. I’ve got SUPER good hearing so it’s hard to find anywhere quiet in my house, especially cos there’s always something crazy going on. My aunt Alma is sorta similar to me so she’s been helping me block out the noise with this meditation sorta thing, I guess it’s hard to explain but it’s not as lame as it sounds, it’s kinda fun to see how long you can stay in your own brain without people interrupting you. That probably sounds really weird but maybe you sorta get what I mean?

I finally have a treehouse now too!! It reminds me of your watchtower in some ways, but I guess it’s no way cooler than that, even though I know you’re bored of it by now. I wish we could hang out in it together cos it’s super awesome! Mom n’ dad don’t really bother me when I’m up there n’ my brother n’ sisters can’t manage the ladder yet so it’s all mine! It’s right at the bottom of the garden and looks out over the whole Bay too! Mom said she might let me sleep in it once it gets a bit warmer! It’d be cool falling asleep to the sound of the waves.. I hope it doesn’t end up making me need to pee all night though haha!!

Wren’s been obsessed with watching me play on the computer recently and I keep tryna teach her how to play herself but her little fingers can’t really reach all the buttons on the keyboard too well and she gets stupid mad when she dies so she just makes me play instead. She’d kick me if I told anyone but she’s a bit scared of some of the monsters too lol!! Mom told me I shouldn’t let her watch those ones but they’re the only ones she WANTS to watch and she jumps all over me until I give in so idk what they expect me to do other than lock her in the pantry, but I got told off for that so I guess I shouldn’t do that again haha (Wren thought it was funny though so it’s all good!) It’s a shame you don’t have a computer in the tower otherwise we could play together! Jude n’ Jacob aren’t really into that sorta thing so I usually just play on my own. Do you have a computer back home??

Oh! I got another badge for my swimming lessons too! I’ve almost got em all now which is neat but I sorta wanna avoid getting the last ones cos anyone that gets them all or has good attendance n’ whatever get an award at the end of the school year. They save em all up to give out at some stupid last year disco thing they put on before summer for the last year kids n’ it’d be so cringe to get called out in front of everyone like that. Some people think it’s gonna be amazing like my friend Jude, but I’d rather not go at all. Mom n’ dad keep saying it’ll be fun n’ everyone else is excited about it too but how fun could something be if you’re technically at SCHOOL? Bleh! I know you said you hate it sometimes, but being homeschooled sounds awesome to me lol.

I keep tryna bug my parents to go camping again so we could maybe see each other but they won’t take me out of school for a holiday n’ dad’s too busy with some work project so I guess we’ll have to keep writing to each other instead! Maybe if I keep annoying them about it we can come back in the summer! I hope so anyway but I guess I don’t wanna piss em off TOO much just in case my plan backfires or something.

I still feel really bad about not writing sooner but my dad said better late than never so hopefully you’re not too upset with me! I’ll try my best to write faster next time so you don’t have to wait as long. I’m looking forward to hearing about everything you’ve been up to!! Love Robin c: ps. my dad’s friend finally helped me fix that old polaroid so I’ve sent you some random pictures I took to test it out! I’m still getting used to it but the next ones will be better, I swear!

… the treehouse! it even has cool lights on it!! the back of our house! it’s so big it’s hard to fit in a picture.. it sorta looks fancy but it’s not really n’ dad said it was cheap cos it was a shithole a rare Byrd! (grumpy too – dad tried to take his dummy off him lol) he’s not supposed to be on my bed… the Bay! Jude says I sound girly for saying it’s so pretty here but I don’t care I could take a million pictures of this place n’ never get bored (I’ll stop now though cos mom says these polaroid things aren’t cheap for this model.. oops lol!!)

[i-am-beckyu]

In the Hands of my Tormentor

Yelloooooo! Been a lil bit since I've posted any writing! Been a bit hard getting much written with life and work at the moment but I had this random g/t thought and ran with it to get this lil fic. So enjoy another random oc created for the purpose of this fic lol.

Premise: You've been transported to another world where giants see humans as lesser and have ended up the pet of a Count.

cw: Fear, fear of death, fatal scenes mentioned, panic, mentions of being eaten alive, death mentions (no one dies tho), anxiety, torture, manipulation. Just the opposite of what I usually post lol. wc: 2318

Terror. 

That’s all I could feel as I watched in horror as the giant noble scarfed down their meal. Giant fangs tearing through meat 100x my size, as if it was sliced bread. I forced myself to not react as I heard them swallow, knowing full well should they tire of me- their pet, I may very well be the next one sliding down that wretch’s throat. 

In this world, Giants didn’t see anything smaller than them as intelligent. If you were found, the lucky ones either died or were crushed between teeth as big as boulders like food. And if you think ‘How’s that lucky?! That’s horrid!’ Be glad you’re not the one being digested alive.

But even that was a mercy compared to my fate. 

Every day I tread the thin line of a tightrope; a timer hanging over my head. Forced to live life as a performance, every step perfect in order to please my Master.

“TWIRL!” He’d demand.

“JUMP!” He’d spit.

“SING!” He’d sneer- and I’d do it without hesitation or face death itself.

For as humiliating as it was, being ‘keep’ worthy; even for a derogatory laugh, it was better than being deemed useless and ready for brutal discarding. And with how little manic glee he’d been having with me lately, that may be sooner than not. For if I have no worth, what’s stopping them from doing away with me?

Tonight I was on display at another one of their dinner parties. Parties they threw more to show their class standing and possessions than for company. Sometimes I’d be in a cage forced to sing like a songbird, other times I’d be kept on the table with a ribbon clamped around my ankle to perform tricks or be petted by gloved fingers.

The guests would often have varying responses at my presence.

“Such a rare delicacy humans are and you're wasting it as a pet?”

“What a wretched little thing it is. Why not just eat it and be done?”

“As amusing as it is, why keep it around when it’s a better snack?”

After a while, you learn to tune out the loud voices. It’s just a reminder I’m only seen as food, insignificant, a pest. I only listen to the Master's voice. He’s the only one that matters. I sit just to his right today. The ribbon on my ankle is too tight, and I can feel the way my foot has started to go numb from the lack of blood flow. I look at it absentmindedly, the phantom pain of a blade forced against an angry scar, throbs against the ribbon. Strange I can’t feel my foot and yet still feel the pain of past escapes. I stopped trying a long time ago. Better to submit then endure his sick pleasures again.

I try not to think about the will I’ve given up; the life I’ve submitted to and try to listen to the giants conversing overhead.

Had it not been for the size difference and ignorance to the obvious, the giants were just like us. Take away all the power-hungry madness and torture of the little guy and the giants were just like humans if they were living in a medieval fantasy. Perhaps in another world, I would have been one of the guests…

“Dance, Human.” Master demands, and I stand and let my body move the way I know it pleases the giant. I don’t even think about the steps anymore, I just let myself move as if I were a robot programmed with the steps.

The giants above me laugh, clap and snicker. I know I’ve done my dance right. They’re all talking around the table, some whispering to each other with cruel gazes locked on my form. Others are spitting profanities at me and joking to my Master about making me do more tricks. 

There was only one giant that didn’t seem interested in my suffering. They sat at the opposite end of the table silently, and hadn’t moved much beyond drinking from their cup. I didn’t pay them much mind. One less giant drooling over me was a blessing. 

I let their voices blend together as I continued to move, the only voice I was listening for was my Masters, and I knew he was grinning ear to ear with all the attention on his greatest possession. 

His rare and desirable human.

“Now sing.” He says sickeningly sweet and my mouth obeys as I sing old scales used to warm up my voice whilst I continue to dance.

He never said I could stop.

I don’t know how long this continued for, the time always blurred together with every order and step at these events. All I know is the giants are enjoying it for the time being and all hungry eyes are on me. I will do as they want till I’m so desirable, that Master snatches me away- just teasing the lessers with what they can’t have. I can see the manic glee in their eyes at being so close to myself. I know what they want, and I scold my expression to not let the fear show on my face. 

My legs ached, but I pushed on; my voice wasting away from overuse. Everything was starting to burn from the effort it took to do both. I sang a long high note and began to spin, a bad combo but my brain was on autopilot. How much longer till I collapse?

“Stop.” Master demanded; my saving grace but not by much. I stopped immediately, finishing the pirouette and ceasing my song. I didn’t dare move despite my labored breathing, fully aware that the command wasn’t just for me, for in the corner of my eye I saw it. 

An outstretched white, gloved hand reached for me- and it was not my Masters.

That was all that was said before the ribbon around my ankle yanked me back, sending me tumbling forward as I was reeled in. I kept my head down, biting my tongue to stop myself from screaming as I felt the glazed wooden table burn against my hands and knees as I was dragged. My performance was done. And so was the fool of a giant that had tried to take me. 

Or so I thought.

Giants had tried to take me from Master before that was a given, but I was his snack (as he liked to remind me) and those that had tried to take what was his, had been dragged out shrieking. But this one had the room silent. Someone with a demanding presence other than my Master had the room freeze.

“So Ed,” 

“That’s Count Edwin, to you.” Master spat at the other Giant.

“May I remind you who the Duke is here, Count Edwin.” the Duke replied nonchalantly, taking a sip of his drink. I saw the way the Master's hand tensed at the notion. 

He was irritated. 

Very few had the nerve to undermine him and make it out unscathed. So far nothing had happened to this Duke, which made him a threat.

“I understand you invited me here tonight to make a deal.” The Duke asked.

“Yes, that’s correct.” The grit in the Master's voice confirmed my suspicions. He’d interrupted his showing off. They were treading on thin ice. 

“I wish to put a natural water irrigation system to my crops from the south river. The river in question however, borders the edge of your land and in order for me to utilize it, would require access to your land.”

“And you want me to allow your filthy hands access to my river.” The Duke remarked.

Master's hand tightened on his utensils. Whoever this man was really had the Giant getting into a tizzy, which was never good for me. For all the time that I’d been here, it was very rare that anyone dared to go up against Master, let alone insult him. I felt a slight sense of justice from the thought. Even if it would never be me to do it, at least someone would knock them off their high horse.

I couldn’t help but glance up to see what such a person looked like and was surprised by what I saw. It was the uninterested giant from before.

Just like their attitude, the Giants' features matched their blunt, cold attitude. Jet black, side swept hair and dressed in a navy blue velvet coat, adorned with gold trims and fine sapphires bigger than my head, the Duke- the most regal man I’d ever seen in all my life, was listening to my Master with an icy cold stone stare. 

The man seemed bored of this tedious exchange and I could tell their patience was beginning to run thin as my Master blabbered on and on about the Giants river.

I wondered how long the fire would build behind the Duke’s eyes before their tolerance met its peak, and would put my Master in their place. For once I was glad they paid me no mind.

“I have much gold to offer in return for the river and with the greater yields we would produce, I’m happy to offer 5% of the total harvest.” Master’s smile curled into a grin as they folded their hands. They did that whenever something they wanted was about to go their way.

I averted my gaze back to my feet at this. They always got mad when they caught me staring. How sad I knew what his tells were.

“While your offer is good Edwin, as a Duke with the amount of land I have, your offer is insignificant to me. Why give you access to my river when I produce five times the amount you yield in a year?”

Master lost his composure at that, clearly not expecting such a response. Unsurprising when he acts like a toddler who has never been told no. “Well yes but-” 

“If you expect me to share such a precious resource, I expect a greater sum.” The Duke cut him off. “Or an offer with something of rarity to actually compensate for the price. Something like…” 

No. No, he can’t mean…

The duke took a sip from his cup as if contemplating, but only a fool didn’t know he’d already made up his mind the second he set eyes on me.

“That human.”

The Duke slammed the cup down, hitting the table with a clink as my head shot up and snapped straight to the Duke, my worst fears confirmed reality. The Duke’s ice blue eyes bore into my small figure. If I thought my grubby Master was scary then the Duke was sheer terror. 

His eyes pierced my very soul pinning me in place, and I stared straight back, unable to hide the terror on my face despite the consequences. Though it could have just been adrenaline, I swear I saw their eyes soften when they noticed my expression change, though it did little to put me at ease. His presence was terrifying and it hit me then why the room was so quiet. Why Master was so mad he had no control over this Giant.

This was a man with power.

I knew if I was what it wanted, then no one would be stupid enough to say no twice. Everyone in the room knew what his eyes were locked on. 

“You want me to trade my human, for access to the river?” The Count replied as he dragged me closer, pulling me away from my terror. “That hardly seems fair seeing how incredibly rare and delightful they are. It’s just about bored me enough that I'm peckish. I love to break their spirits just enough that they’re kicking and screaming to the end.” 

At this, I was flung into the air with a yelp before the Count caught me in a harsh grip. I cried out in pain as he squeezed my ribs tight to the point I was sure they’d break.

“It would be a waste to let all this time go to not enjoy them myself.”

“It’s the human or nothing.” The Duke insisted. “You have nothing more that I want.”

I risked looking up at the Duke again, the fire in his eyes seemed to have tripled. “It’s as you said, humans are incredibly rare. Are they truly worth a yearly supply of better income?”

My Masters hand began to squeeze tighter around me and I’m only lucky that the air had been forced out of my lungs enough before I could scream. His anger being directed on the only thing he could control in the moment, only for the pressure to leave as quickly as it came and I found myself falling.

“Deal.” 

And that was the only warning I had before everything flashed a violent white. My whole body was in complete and utter agony and yet I couldn’t even scream. I could feel silent tears dripping down my face as my vision began to dance with black blurry spots. This is where I died.

Everything felt cold, until it wasn’t. 

I felt myself engulfed in pure warmth as careful hands moved and cradled my broken body. I could hear muffled voices shouting and moving before the slamming of a door ceased all else. Dark blobs broke in between the black and I knew deep down I was in the Duke’s hands, but the soft warmth they provided blurred all other judgment. I hadn’t been warm- truly warm since I’d been brought here, and yet somehow I was now at ease. 

Perhaps it was just my mind twisting the truth as a last mercy to let me die peacefully.

“Rest now,” A voice whispered over head as the world faded to black. “I’ve got you now.” 

Funny how my mind could create such a promise after so much pain…

✩₊˚.⋆⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆⋆⁺₊✧

Don't worry, the Duke's actually the good guy in this lol. I have it head cannoned that he fixes them all up and helps them get home.

I may write onto this, I might not who knows! The fact I've written in a different pov to me is wild though! Thank you to squishy, xyz and especially munchkin for beta reading this. (Seriously savior on my grammar qwp) Thank you if you read this far and I hope you enjoyed!!!!

Tag List Link here: @local-squishmallow @brick-a-doodle-do @justarandomsloth @veryfunkycheesecake @munchkin1156 @kayla-crazy-stuffs @da3dm @eiscreme135 @orchid-harmony @the-tiny-lurker @colossal-red @nobodywritingao3 @nata2343 @bad-author777 @crazyfoxgirl10 @guppybubbles

(also side note: other wips are still being written. I am aware JORNOS has not updated in months but it's not been forgotten <3)

[venture-through-the-mist]

Thoughts on The Lotus Eaters

As I’m sure is obvious, this will be discussing the Lotus Eaters quest in detail, so if you haven’t played it yet, I’d suggest skipping this post! I don’t want to spoil it for anyone (because even though it’s a short quest, I still think it benefits from being played with no prior knowledge of what it entails), so the full post will be below the cut.

Alright, I have SO many thoughts, so I’m going to try and keep this somewhat concise…ish. This is mostly just a bunch of rambles, so I apologize for any grammatical errors or if it’s hard to understand. I just kinda…wrote what came to my mind.

First off,

The Music: I briefly mentioned this in another post, but holy shit the music for this update is amazing. I mean, we all knew it would be, Warframe has a tendency to put out absolutely awesome songs, but oh my god. We get two more versions of what is one of my favorite songs in the game. The loading screen version of ‘This is What You Are’ has to be, by far, one of my favorite things I’ve heard from this game. I love the feel to it, like a combination of ‘old’ Warframe with ‘new’, 1999-era Warframe. I’ve had it playing on repeat almost all day because it’s so good.

Now, for the version of ‘This is What You Are’ that we actually get during the quest, the one that Lotus is singing to herself. I, admittedly, didn’t pay too much attention to it when I was actually playing the quest, at least not beyond “omg Lotus is singing, that’s awesome” (I was just too excited about the actual quest lol). However, when I listened to it again, I was fascinated by the subtle differences in how this version sounds compared to the ‘normal’ version of the song, or even to the new version in the loading screen. The singing is a lot more staccato, and the notes don’t flow into each other in the ways they normally would. It’s almost as if Lotus is having to concentrate more on what comes next (at least, that’s my interpretation), which makes sense given that we know that she’s singing in order to drown out the Indifference’s voice. Her singing also sounds a little sad, or maybe just lonely, to me. Her mind is filled with the Indifference trying to influence her, and she’s taken it upon herself to be a barrier (or as she says it, a “distraction”) between It and the Tenno. She’s secluded herself (again), and her tone of voice seems to reflect that.

Also, after the quest, if you go and talk to Daughter/Kaelli in the Necralisk, ‘Party of Your Lifetime’ plays now, instead of whatever song was playing before. I just think that’s neat (and also brings in some interesting ideas for 1999…what did our Drifter do?).

Moving on…

The Story: I had absolutely zero idea where the story was going to go from this update, but I was a bit worried about how they’d go about locking us into playing as the Drifter for 1999, since — although I 1000% agree with why the Drifter is definitely going to be the one going back in time — I’m definitely someone who would rather play as my Operator for my own lore reasons (and I can’t think of a reason that my Operator would let the Drifter do this instead of her). I was actually wondering if they’d actually lock us into the Drifter without giving us a choice, or if they just wouldn’t give us the option to do the romance stuff if we chose Operator (for obvious reasons…bc yk, they’re a child). But, I really enjoy the route they went down, how Lotus knows that the Drifter has to be the one this time, because if the Operator does, that might just be giving the Indifference exactly what it wants. She’s, once again, protecting her kids in the way she knows how, by taking them out of the conflict in any way she can.

But, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, so let’s backtrack a bit and talk about how cool it is that we see the Operator and the Drifter interacting with Lotus at the same time. I may have missed something in the quests leading up to that, or this might just be something attributed to the Man in the Wall’s hijinks, or…something, but I thought that they couldn’t be in the same place at the same time/in the same ‘reality’. So, I was quite surprised (pleasantly, ofc) to see both of them. I really love the difference in the dialogue options when we initially talk to Lotus. The Operator is torn between wondering if Lotus is alright, and also being super worried about what the hell the noise is, in a way that makes me think they definitely suspect that the Indifference is meddling with things again (which makes sense, given that they’re actively in the Sanctum). Honestly, the Operator was probably waiting for something like this to happen. They know, or at least suspect, that Lotus saw the Man in the Wall after the battle with Ballas, it was only a matter of time before that became important. The Drifter, on the other hand, is more concerned with Lotus herself, warning her to be careful, reassuring her, but also wondering what she means by “It’s you”. Maybe the Drifter doesn’t really know the extent of the effects that the Indifference has on the System, maybe the Operator is just trying to protect Lotus in the only way they know how…get the perceived danger away from her first, ask questions later (I’ve noticed from their dialogue throughout the game that the Operator tends to have a bit of a sharper temper than the Drifter does…perhaps bc they’re younger). Either way, it’s nice that they have different responses to seeing Lotus and hearing the noise.

I chose the “Are you okay” and “What do you mean, ‘it’s you’?” dialogue options, and I absolutely loved that my Operator’s line was “This isn’t just a bad memory, it is? This is new”. This acknowledges, at least in my interpretation, that Lotus does have lingering emotions from everything that’s happened in the past (Ballas/The New War, Hunhow, etc). Once again, Warframe surprises me by remembering to make the trauma that a character has gone through actually relevant to the story even after we’ve dealt with the source of the problem. I probably shouldn’t be surprised at this, but most video games I’ve seen don’t tend to do that. Usually characters are…somewhat fine after experiencing something horrific, so it’s refreshing to see a different (more realistic, imo) take on it. This isn’t even the only time we see this in this quest/afterwards. Lotus outright confirms it herself (“I will not let it devour one instant of my pain. Not even Ballas. Not even the Jade Light.”), and in doing so, is also showing us how she’s dealt with the events of the prior storylines. She’s gone through a series of extremely traumatic events, and she still has those painful memories, but she’s not going to succumb to the Indifference, even if It promises to take that away. She’s been hurt, yes, but she is healing, and she’s finally in a place where she can actually do so as herself. That doesn’t mean it’s easy for her to ignore the voice that’s calling to her —the voice that only she can hear— but she’s determined to. I’m curious if the voice-lines after the quest are different if a player had chosen Margulis or Natah instead of Lotus after the New War, though.

I find it very interesting that Lotus calls the Drifter ‘my champion’. I just really enjoy the fact that she definitively sees the Operator and the Drifter as two separate people, as opposed to ‘her child’, and ‘her child but older’, because I feel like that fact could have certainly been a cause of a bit of discomfort and a learning curve for both her and the Drifter after the New War.

Now, onto the 1999 portion of the quest, which, even as short as it was, was quite interesting. It was really weird to be in the Mall again and not hear ‘Party of Your Lifetime’ playing or see other Tenno dancing around the stage (like how it was during TennoCon). It was quite eery, and I love it. Also, we got to see Kalymos again, so that’s a plus.

All in all, this quest answered a lot of my questions about how the game is going to transition to 1999 (and even answered questions that I didn’t know I had). However, I am slightly (read: very) concerned at the same time, mainly because of the line with Lotus saying “If I become something you do not recognize, do not mourn”. I feel like that’s potentially foreshadowing something…They don’t usually put lines like that in without reason. Maybe I’m just reading too far into that…but I suppose we’ll see when 1999 comes out.

Anywho, another thing that I wasn’t expecting but am really glad that we got was the continued acknowledgement of Lotus/Natah/Margulis being a system. This happened not once, but twice (to my knowledge), and I think it’s really great that they didn’t just disregard the whole “I am not one” thing from The New War after we made our choice between the three of them. It’s really nice to see that that wasn’t just a one-off line, especially as we continue to get more and more moments where the game references them.

This is already way longer than it probably should be, but what can I say? I like well-written characters, and this game has so many of them. I’ve definitely forgotten some things that I’d wanted to put in this post, but ah well.

[cheesecakethots]

Ok but that chrollo/ johan ask got me thinking.... If you had to be kidnapped and spend the rest of your life with them, who'd you choose? Whose more bearable? Johan or chrollo??

Also i love your johan works. Dont feel discouragement from writing more on him becuz smtimes feels hard to write.

ahhh thank you!! no legit he is so hard to write, but i might reread monster soon to get my mind flowing

gosh in a totally fictional scenario where i wasn’t a lesbian, i have no clue.

(read more because this got long lol)

chrollo has the positives of he’s rich as shit, and wherever you stay is going to be glamorous. problem is you’ll probably have to move around a bunch, so you might be sticking to hotels. that might be so much more stressful, being kidnapped by this jackass and not even being able to settle in or get over jet lag before he tells you to pack your stuff, because he’s got another job on the other side of the world.

johan drifted from house to house during the show/manga, and didn’t stay put for long. if you’re with him during that time, well it’s going to be nothing compared to the lavish lifestyle chrollo has. but, you’re definitely more likely to be able to escape from johan than chrollo. he’ll probably account for that, so let it be known he’ll have an eye on you 99% of the time.

chrollo & johan give off that similar, gentlemanly manipulative vibe.

chrollo is definitely more overt with it, though. you could maybe call that a positive, because you’re less likely to fall for it, but it’s definitely more aggravating. you could be playing up a little, pushing him away, shouting, trying to run, and he’ll just say something like “hm. you’re right, dear. maybe we should visit your parents. i would certainly love to introduce myself to them properly.” and boom you shut your mouth at the clear threat in his otherwise monotone voice. i’m not sure if he’d actually go through with it, but neither are you. maybe don’t try and find out.

johan, on the other hand, is generally less willing to be so manipulative with you. i feel if he had a connection with someone other than anna for the first time in his life, someone who made him feel less of a monster and more whole, he wouldn’t want to treat them as he treats everyone else. manipulating you so overtly would make him feel like a monster again and definitely would hurt his feelings quite a bit.

buuut, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t do it at all.

johan has been manipulating and moulding people since he was a very young boy. it might be something he just sometimes does without realising. maybe he’ll mention things he knows you like in an effort to strike up conversations with you, and to make you like him more. maybe he’ll mention sad things that happened in your life, before he took you away. stuff like that, so nothing really on chrollo’s level. but, i would still say it sucks, because you’re more likely to become accepting and even… loving to a degree. you can’t help but feel a little bad for the guy.

i don’t think chrollo would physically punish you for running, as he wants to keep up that gentlemanly facade. don’t push him too far, you don’t want to see what’ll happen if he decides to drop it. he’s faster and stronger than you will ever be, so one second you could be shouting, screaming and hitting at the blank expression on his face, and the next cradling a broken wrist while he tuts and coos at you. don’t test it.

johan would NEVERRR physically hurt his darling. worst would be using maybe a needle to knock them out, but he’d feel bad about it. i don’t think he could bring himself to hurt your family or friends, either. i’m not even sure he’d punish a darling at all. maybe more locks, but he’d feel like the monster he believes he is if he tied you down to a bed to keep you from leaving. he might forcibly hold you close for a bit, just to keep himself grounded.

overall, i actually don’t know. johan seems like the better answer, but the idea of actually feeling bad for him or eventually loving him makes me feel >:/. not sure if i would be able to refrain from screaming into a pillow or punching myself unconscious if i had to deal with chrollo, though. (he’s a bastard. i love him).

i guess at least when johan gets you flowers or something you like, it’s for your enjoyment alone. when chrollo does it, sure, it’s nice to see you happy… but it’s mainly to make you like him a little more or prove to you (and himself) that you can be happy with him.

both are definitely better choices than illumi, though. fuck that.

[eternal-dragon-of-time]

I got really into the potential of a Drakath Arcadia route. So um. I wrote it lol, here's what I think his dialogue would've looked like if he had beat out Sepulchure in the polls.

Drakath: Chaos Incarnate

Surprised to see me? You shouldn’t be. You’ve had my attention since the beginning, so who else would be worthy to be here? Ha! You don’t have to look too excited about it, knowing I took a spot from someone else you might’ve liked more is just encouraging me. I was hoping to have another battle to decide your favor, but this competition seems easy enough as well. You know how strong I am, and who better to solve your problems than someone who caused them? Don’t expect this from me ever again, but today you’ll have my full power supporting you.

Motivation: 

Initially that invitation was just good for a laugh before being tossed, but then I heard about some of the other people that were entering. Be glad it's me and not one of the nobodies I had to fight off from trying to get your affections. Besides, this is an opportunity to have you all to myself again. What do I mean by that?

Tournament:

Why are you bothering to ask? I won it easily, even the resurrected corpse was barely a work out. The hardest part was the sheer number of opponents, you had a lot of champions for your hand. I’ve never fought someone over love before. I don’t get what the fuss is about when compared to battles over the fate of Lore. I’d rate our own clash far above this.

Competitors:

Gravelyn is staring daggers into me, and Safiria looks like she is weighing the risk of drinking my chaorrupted blood. Neither of them worry me. Gravelyn spends the majority of her time fussing over an Empire I pushed to the brink of collapse, and the Vampire Queen is a bit player in a world that left her behind. More importantly, neither of them know you as well as I do.

Quest Accept: Under Umbra Wings

Finally, I was getting tired watching you waste time with the others. You and I will be taking the rightmost route up. No need to bother with the ladder, unlike the others I have wings strong enough to carry the both of us. Don’t act so shocked, I can play nice if it means winning over the others. You can even go play with the butterflies before we get started, you looked like you enjoyed it.

–

Quest Complete:

You don’t have to squirm so much. It’s not like I’m going to drop you, even with these leeches trying to crash the party. You’d know if I was going to let you fall anyways. Probably. Speaking of the overgrown mosquitos, do they look strange to you? Something is off about the way they fly, and they come apart like dolls if you press them too hard. Don’t look at me like that, try it yourself.

Quest Accept: Battle Muse

More of these fake foes, it’s like cutting through wax. I’m not a stranger to my enemies falling apart before me, but it's usually not so literal. These ones look like that usurper’s knights too. I wonder, is that intended as a taunt or a gift for me? Hm? You want to fight them for yourself? Sure, I don’t mind. It’ll be like old times, I always did like sitting back and watching you fight.

–

Quest Complete:

Sorry to cut this break short but I need to get you out of the water. Stop trying to wriggle free and look down at the pool beneath us, you can see where the pond is dyed purple from where I lingered. Guess that answers my question. I’ll be flying us over this for now. Why are you looking at me like that? As nice as it would be to have you out of my hair, I’m not going to let you go out in such a pathetic way. Besides, I still need to win this.

Quest Accept: Denial in Read

Why would there be reading material during this challenge? There was a book like this on the other climbs as well? …Nothing that has you that excited can be good, you keep your eyes to yourself. Great, more of these things are coming after us. I’ll take care of them this time, it’ll be fun to see how many more of them I can break then you. Feel free to admire my work if you want, or find something else to occupy your time if you don’t want to see me smash your record. Maybe inspect the tree trunk, or the armor pieces. Not the book.

–

Quest Complete:

You read it didn’t you, that smug look on your face is telling. Well? Aren’t you going to tell me what was in it? You’re insufferable. Whatever, I’ve cleared out the room so we can continue upwards. Hm? You pulled these gems off the armor pieces for me while you were waiting? Is this some stupid Hero’s Heart Day thing? No, you can’t take those back, I'm keeping them.

Quest Accept: A Better Toy

Have you noticed the ground get more twisted the higher we go? It almost looks like… No. It doesn’t make any sense. I would know if Chaos magic was at play here, and I don’t feel anything, no connection to it at all. We’ll find the truth of this higher up and- How did we get here!? This can’t be real, it's just some pathetic attempt to get under my skin. Well it won’t work, you’re already here to do that. I’m fine. I don’t need her. Stay behind me, I’ll gladly rend this place apart.

–

Quest Complete:

I gave up everything, my flesh, my self, my strength. All for her to use me up and abandon me. Don’t breathe a word of this to anyone, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if there was something wrong with me, that if I was just stronger she would’ve let me come with her. Pathetic, isn’t it? You know, I’ve never had to wonder if I’d ever see you again. You just kept coming back again and again.

Pre-Boss Dialogue:

Stop it, I can stand on my own. I don’t need you, or her, or this thing trying to worm its way into my head. I am strong, I am worthy, I am fine alone.

End Questline Dialogue:

The reality that monster invented could never have happened, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming. It’s easier to believe that there was something I could do then face the truth. That I’m not perfect, and I was never going to be enough. Augh. I didn’t expect that to hurt so much to say. You look ridiculous being concerned over someone who’s killed you, but I can’t stop you. That's just the kind of person you are. The person I can trust you to be. I’ll remember this Hero, fondly even.

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

hello :] I would like to ask for a matchup if that's okay !! I'm bi so any gender is fine, and I'm okay with a poly answer if you think more than one character would fit.

I'll start with my personality; I'm a pretty laid back person, most people would describe me as shy or introverted which I admit is true, I don't love staying in big groups and I get nervous around new people- with whoever I'm close with though, I'm pretty chill as I said and I love stuff like jokingly flirting or poking fun at friends :P I also think I'm pretty forgiving!!

I dislike stuff like public speaking and dealing with anyone who is too mean because I'm quick to anger with anyone like that and I will Not hold back lol, even if I'm an introvert..

Also, I find that I get along easier with people who are more extroverted than me, if this can help with the matchup !!

My main hobby is drawing, but I'm starting a photography course soon & I hope to get a job in that field..I consider myself a pretty creative person! This is also not much of an hobby but more of just something I like...I love pretty things and dressing up, jewelry, clothes, anything fancy, especially if it's vintage :]

This is all, tried to keep it simple and not too long- if you need anything else though, do tell me ! I wouldn't mind adding information :]

A/N: Okay @mourreon , based on what you told me, I’m thinking you’d be a good fit for a poly relationship with… Halsin and Astarion!

Halsin is a great partner for you! He’s kind, laid back, and has a very reassuring presence. He’s a pretty big guy, something he recognizes is a bit odd for an elf, but he’s not at all intimidating once you get to know him. He’s a big softy, inside and out. 

I know people tend to think of Halsin as more extroverted, and I agree, but I also think he’s a quiet sort of extrovert. He was thrust into a leadership position he didn't want. And although he does well in crowds, he strikes me as the guy who’d prefer not to be in them, especially if those crowds are in the city. 

I think he’d quite enjoy being in smaller group settings with you. Either an evening around the campfire where he introduces you to his party members, or even a nice night in with you and your friends, drinking good wine and sharing stories. 

He loves (and I mean LOVES) how flirty you are. It just makes him all the more attracted to you. He’s a big romantic flirt himself, constantly comparing you to the beauty of nature, so he appreciates the reciprocation when you flirt back with him. 

And he’s very grateful for how forgiving you are. Even though he’s a forgiving person, he’s quite hard on himself. He sees himself as a failure, someone who is unable to stop the shadow curse from conquering his lands. But with you at his side, he can begin to see himself the way you see him, with a loving and forgiving lens. You remind him it wasn’t his fault that he couldn't stop the shadow curse alone. No one could have. It was just a terrible circumstance that he is just as much a victim of. 

Halsin understands your dislike of unnecessary cruelty. He hates people who are mean for no reason. He’s more composed in his response, however. So don’t be surprised if he has to physically lift you and pull you away from some jerk who has it coming. He agrees with you, he just doesn't want you to get hurt in the process as well. Let nature sort out the cruel-hearted. And let him protect you from your just rage. 

Art days! So many art days are spent with you drawing and him whittling. You two even start a tradition where you draw the most outrageous thing you can think of, and he accepts the challenge of carving it and vice versa. The two of you have gotten pretty good at anticipating the other’s suggestion. And it's a great way to spend date nights. 

He loves seeing you all dressed up, especially in florals. He thinks you look gorgeous in every flower crown the community children make for you. 

Although, if I’m being honest, he thinks you look the most beautiful when you have nothing but a flower crown on, if you catch my drift. ;)

Astarion is also a great partner for you because he’s more of a luxury indulgent introvert. He’s rather calm, so long as everything is going according to his plan, and he’s a huge purveyor of the arts. 

He’s not fond of crowds, or of small spaces, which crowds often create. He’s spent much too long picking out victims from large groups to find any solace in them now. So he has no complaints about staying out of the fray. He’s happy you prefer it. 

He’s also very glad you’re a forgiving person. He’s dealing with a lot of trauma and tends to lash out when overwhelmed. He’ll throw fits or insults when he’s dealing with a lot of emotions, so you must have enough patience and forgiveness in your heart to understand that while he heals. 

Astarion likes to tease the people he’s close with, and you are no exception. He loves it when you tease him right back. Your wit makes you all the more attractive to him. The two of you can go all day, playfully quipping back and forth. 

And don’t feel bad about not wanting to speak in public- he’ll gladly do it for you. He has a natural charm and a penchant for drama that makes people listen to him. Of course, he’d prefer not having to do any work speaking at all, but if you ask him nicely, he’ll do it for you. It’s a weakness he knows, but he could never say no to you. 

He’s obsessed with your creative skill. Asks you to draw him 24/7. Hells, he’ll commission you if he has to. Just show him pictures of his pretty face, and he’ll love you forever. I mean, he already loves you forever, but this would make him love you all the more. 

And who says dressing up isn’t a hobby?! Certainly not Asation. Darling, he invented dressing up. He loves to give you lavish dresses and jewelry, asking you to pretty please, model every piece for him. He’ll get all fancy too, and the two of you can pretend you’re lords and ladies having your very own lavish dinner party. 

Poly! Halsin and Astarion:

Of course, if you’d accept it, he’d be very willing to invite Halsin to this special event. And he proudly shows you off, taking the time to explain the nature of every seam and bead on your outfit. Of course, he knows Halsin isn’t all that into clothing, as it’s not as beautiful as the ‘natural’ you. 

So if the three of you so happen to be in the mood, he’ll ask Halsin to come to see you in this latest, vintage, absolutely drop-dead gorgeous outfit Astarion’s put together for you. Halsin is very pleased once he walks in to see you with your hair and makeup done all fancy, wearing nothing but the most dazzling vintage jewelry money could buy. Let’s just say, none of you end up getting a lot of sleep that night. ;) 

...

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[morvantmortuary]

hello! i just found your account and i’m in love with your ocs! pls, let me know if you still write and if your requests are open?

(people still use that steve rogers psa meme, right?)

hello, darling 🖤 I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

to be honest, this ask sent me into a little bit of a tailspin - through no fault of yours, you’re perfectly fine and I’m flattered you wrote in!! ♥️ it was just one of those things where I thought it hadn’t really been that long since I posted something, and I try to still hang out and reblog pretty often, until I realized I probably haven’t really posted a new snippet since… whenever I posted the teasers for Vol. II? :’D and my last full piece was probably paint the town red, so I just had a small spiral of gloom at how long it had actually been since I posted anything of substance for my necromancers.

things had been getting kind of intense between being on the job market and trying to work on my stupid fucking dissertation, so obviously compared to when I started this blog in the second year of the pandemic, I hadn’t been having as much time to write. now I have a full time Real Person job and I’m in the last semester (PLEASE GOD) of said dissertation work, so while I’m in a more stable place than I was last year in some ways, things have gotten even more intense in other ways, and honestly I’ve been kind of stressed about how little time I’ve been able to spend here :’D

so like, while I don’t blame you at all for asking if I’m still writing for them, I had a bit of an “OH NO щ(ﾟДﾟщ)” reaction bc I just realized that while I think about the Morvants constantly every day, that… doesn’t always transfer to blog activity lol

I also have to admit, I had a hard time with comfort asks/requests for a while, bc I got way too in my own head about writing them. I was worried about everyone having a similar word count or romance factor bc I wanted them all to seem fair and equal, but then I also got worried that they were going to be too repetitive and same-y and people would get bored. and like!! it’s not that deep in the grand scheme of things, I absolutely am aware of that!! :’D but eventually I got embarrassed I was taking so long on top of that, and I just kind of paused the ones I was writing bc I got too hung up on myself

in the middle of all this, I was having ideas for Maxi as usual (he’s my first and thus designed to be my own personal comfort blorbo ngl), but I’ve been trying more to focus on Hex, Seth, and Rora, so I was kind of tabling what plot bunnies I did have to keep waiting for ones that I didn’t yet… and thus, here we are :’D

so like. maybe this is an excellent ask for me to hit “reset” with, and just remember that I Am Just Writing For Fun, and that I’m just sharing them to have fun with y’all, and start fresh in my own brain by getting rid of all the dumb rules I seem to have made for myself before I post 🖤 I think I need that, I think that sounds nice ✨

so!! tl;dr I’m so sorry I vomited all that at you omg what is wrong with me, I’m definitely still writing for them as frequently as my new work schedule allows, and please feel free to submit your request for whomever and however you like 🥰 I’m still working on a bunch, but I’m going to make it more about posting them and less about making them Just So!!

thanks for taking the time, I really do appreciate it 🖤🖤🖤

[justallihere]

I am so excited to see Violet's relationship with Brennan moving foward and how Xaden is going to play a role between them. Because even if he doesn't want to he'll have to be a sort of mediator between the two of them.

I swear i have so many headcanons and theories about your fic, more even than the canon lmao.

I love the confidence your Violet has and I wonder if when they get together and she encounters one person she could feel jealously (Cat for example) if she'll feel it at all or if she's be like: I am the queen and i know what i mean to Xaden, idc about anyone else. Because i don't see your violet having the same reaction as canon violet.

Also would love a scene where Violet is in mortal peril and Xaden loses his mind. I love a simp man !!!

also do u have any advice on how to post consistently ?? I just admire your posting schedule so much !! thank u for gifting us with your writing

Yes I was just scribbling down some thoughts about Brennan and Violet, and I’m excited for their next couple interactions. Also it’s going to be quite a while but I can’t WAIT to have all three Sorrengail siblings together in the same room

Cat will be showing her face again, and she’ll certainly try to make Violet feel insecure/jealous and Violet will just roll her eyes and walk away. While she does have insecurities in this world, none of them are really related to her relationship with Xaden, they’re more about her physical strength and being compared to others and even those things she’s worked hard to overcome

As for posting: I write a lot anyway, this just happens to be the thing I’m focusing all my attention on writing right now. It’s more habit than anything! I write at least a few hundred words every day, usually more. I’m also a pretty disjointed writer, so if something isn’t working I’ll leave it alone, write another scene, and then come back and fill in the gaps later. That helps keep me from getting frustrated and having major writer’s block. I have notes for myself to follow, too—I’ll go “okay this chapter needs to have this scene, this one, and that one” and I’m usually looking forward, so the way I write isn’t necessarily “this is what’s happening right now” it’s “how does this moment get me to the next one” if that makes sense, so I always have a sense of momentum. I know my characters, I know their motivations, and I know the end goal here (mostly lol). If I didn’t have those things I think I’d get stuck and fall into the pattern of writing isolated scenes and not telling a story as a whole. It’s okay to take time away from your writing to get the whole picture and reevaluate if something doesn’t feel right or isn’t working for you or your story! And there’s nothing wrong with taking your time either, I have the luxury of working from home right now so I have more free time to work on what I want than when I commuted and worked in an office

[jtl07]

jt (finally) watches warrior nun - s1 e8 (pt 2?)

Okay so I’m dashing this off before this energy runs out but I had a further thought about s1e8 because for some reason I’m having a hard time moving on to e9 and e10?? idk why bc I definitely want to get to s2 I just … have no compulsion to watch the last two episodes of s1 it’s strange mostly around anger and fear (and yes, I am now thinking about Yoda and his whole “fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering” line which if I can do this right, will circle back to this line. Will I get there? Read on to find out lol).

So I’ve been rambling for a while now in my commentaries about Beatrice and her anger. There is just so. much. anger. in her. (I feel like anger and grief kinda run this show, or at least this season thus far) And it’s kinda fitting that the Sister Melanie story that she reads (and thus prompts her revelation) is one born from anger.

Yeah, I know she sidesteps Ava summary of the story as Sister Melanie “tapping into her rage” rather as her tapping into “something elemental in her soul” - but that doesn’t not mean she wasn't rage - rage is just as elemental as any other emotion.

It's just that anger gets such a bad rap - especially when it’s presented in/performed by people of color, not to mention a woman of color. I know lived experiences are unique, but as someone who’s lived that kind of experience - Asian, queer, female, raised Catholic, and a military background - anger was something that I know now is what kept me alive. It was the only way I could move past the trauma I had been dealt when I was younger, the only way I could find some sort of independence as a young adult. Anger was the only way I knew how to move in and keep remotely safe in the world - a world that had done so much to control and stifle me; a world where the only way I found I could provide value, the only way I could I could prove myself worthy of anything, was through obedience and loyalty and sacrifice.

So to see Beatrice angry in this episode, to see her snapping - even though it was at someone who hasn’t hurt her (i.e. Ava) - it was a bit therapeutic.

But not because she let herself get angry at Ava - but because she let Ava see the fear that was fueling her anger.

I wrote in my e4 commentary about how her anger is fueled by fear - how she calls out Lilith in the middle of a mission (fear of the OCS - her home, her family - being taken away from her), how she sends Camila away with the others so she’ll be the only one to retrieve the shield (extreme obedience and risk of self-sacrifice to prove her value). And I feel like that’s true here too. After Ava asks if she wants to talk about it, Beatrice immediately sidesteps, angrily focusing on the “moral” of the story - because if she doesn’t, she has no value to the Warrior Nun; if she doesn’t, she has to acknowledge the pain and fear that’s been driving her all this time.

And that’s the gift Ava gives her. I found myself comparing these Avatrice scenes re: Sister Melanie to that cave scene with Mary and Ava in e6. Why? Because both Beatrice and Mary take out their anger on Ava in those scenes - and Ava does not stand for it in either scene. She shoulder throws Mary, calls out Bea. When faced with other people’s anger, Ava does something really unique: she gets them to reflect on what’s driving that anger, that fear.

Anger and fear aren’t inherently “bad” things - it’s when we don’t acknowledge them, when we paint those feelings in a negative light and stuff them away that the problems start. And really, that’s what happens - case in point: after Beatrice saves Ava in s2, when she lets her “emotions blind her to the mission” (i.e. her fear of losing Ava), she basically goes into self-flagellation mode because she sees that as a Bad Thing TM (and yknow what? The Bad Thing she was really fearing still happens anyway).

But you know who’s given into fear and done beautiful things? Ava. Especially when saving Bea. I'm thinking of when she saves Bea from Sister Crimson in s1e7, then saving Bea from the wraith sin s2 - scenes beloved in the fandom, ones where Ava just goes with her fear, and anger, lets those emotions fuel her and the halo to do brilliant things.

And I couldn’t help but think that maybe why Bea hates her anger, her fear so much - because fear is really a sign of want. For Beatrice, she wants to keep her family safe, she wants Ava to live; she wants to be saved, wants to be seen as worthy of saving. But to want is selfish, to want is needy, and Beatrice can’t be seen as either of those things - can’t see bear to see herself as either of those things.

But Ava, gosh, she comes back to life feeling everything, doesn’t she? And how she lives makes everyone else also feel everything too. I don't think their emotions were ever "blinding" them - I think those were moments when they could truly see what was important.

Okay I think I’m all energy-ed out now. We’ll see if/when I get to e9 lol

[asideofkimchi]

Gush about Yoosung for the ask game 💚

So I’ve put this off for days because…while this is FINALLY my chance! to gush! About the husband!! …i don’t know where to start. I’m definitely overthinking it, I know I am lol. And yet…!

Well, I’m on my way to the airport for my honeymoon rn. What better time than now to indulge in thoughts of the husband lol.

Hm… Yoosung and his route, I can confidently say that he altered my brain chemistry. I have several favorite characters, sure, we all have our little guys. But only two characters have ever fundamentally integrated themselves into my psyche, and goddam did Yoosung hit me hard. Without getting into too much detail (to try to keep this positive), my life was at an ideal spot to see myself reflected in Yoosung’s character arc. He charmed me with his silly but earnest personality and then the game hooked me with the realistic portrayal of his depression and loss. My emotional investment in this character was growing exponentially, and by the time he goes to Mint Eye, I started calculating the average times to expect chatrooms, I was so nervous for him! Legitimately anxious! Every chatroom moved me more and more, every sweet, genuine word he said went straight to my heart. I’m pretty sure I was tearing up, if not straight up crying, throughout this route, especially during his speech in the Good Ending.

Hm I mostly talked about the game and how it affected me. Let’s do some quick Yoosung bits that I love:

He dyed and styled his hair after Rika, after losing her. Characters who do that to remember their loved ones and keep them close, I eat that thematic shit UP.

Even when it’s not his route he has a mad crush on you, but he puts his feelings aside and wishes for you and the other person’s happiness.

I have SO many screenshots saved on my phone of messages with him. I don’t care if they’re the same thing over and over, every time I play I have to screenshot whatever sweet or hilarious thing is said.

I have so many screenshots because I play the game like about twice a year. It’s such a comfort game to me, and even when I should be trying to complete the bad endings (fuck you, Ray route bad ending 3), I just gravitate to Yoosungie.

So YOOSUNG is actually the reason behind Cutiefly being my favorite pokemon. When I first played moon I named my cutiefly Yoosungie, because of cutie-pie Yoosung. And that pokemon stayed on my team the entire time, all the way through becoming Champion. So me gushing about cutieflies is really me gushing about Yoosung.

He’s just so GENUINE about his emotions!! He’s not afraid to express any of it! He loves, he cries, he laughs, he rages, he doesn’t hide how he feels.

He’s so goddam cute and he KNOWS IT. He knows he’s fucking adorable!! And he isn’t ashamed of it! Others try to tear him down like no one wants a cute man but he owns it!

Man’s also bit of a freak and I want to devour him.

Speaking of devouring. His whole omelet thing. In the april fool’s dlc. Oh my fucking god. Oh my jesus christ. Picture this shitty meme I would make: me wearing a shirt that says “no vore kink” -> omelet!sung saying “i dream of someone tearing me apart in their hands and devouring me” -> my shirt “one vore kink”

SPEAKING OF april fools. I will never get over Punk!Sung. It was so fucking funny. Devastating that it never came back. I can’t remember anyone else’s deal but Punk!Sung is ingrained into my brain. I can never get rid of my icon. I’m stuck with it and I love it ..know what i’m sayin’?

Wait I’m going back to the omelet thing because he loves to COOK! He dreams of cooking his beloved delicious meals! He just wants a sweet and domestic life like that’s his big fantasy: Making a loving home environment through cooking and cleaning and doing laundry with and for his SO.

He feels bad that he doesn’t compare to like Zen or Jumin or Seven which is. Frankly ridiculous. Like he feels they’re more handsome and talented and rich and smart so there’s no way anyone would like him in comparison. But he is the sweetest, the bravest, willing to fight for his friends and put himself in danger and he’s happy to do so to protect his friends!! Wht the fucj!! He sees himself as some regular dude and still does this!! TRUE SUPERMAN YOOSUNG. BIGGEST HEART.

ALSO. THE MAN GETS INJURED FOR YOU. RECOVERS. GETS HIS MOTIVATION BACK. GRADUATES EARLY. BECOMES A DOCTOR. OWNS HIS OWN VET CLINIC. MARRIES YOU SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN ALL THAT. ALL WITHIN FOUR YEARS.

JUST WHAT THE FUCK. I LOVE YOOSUNG KIM.

I am so sure I could come up with more but honestly. I started typing this at like 4am today and now it’s after 7pm, I’m heading to ANOTHER airport now after spending a day out with my husband, our honeymoon just getting started.

…also I brought Yoosung to the honeymoon with us. I suggested it as a joke but well. He was represented at our wedding last year, he’s joining us now for the honeymoon. I’ll try to take pictures of him later.

Anyway. I love Yoosung Kim, thanks for coming to my tedtalk. I’ll try to be more coherent next time.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Rachel,

I have a few questions if you don’t mind:

1. How do you get comfortable writing the story of your heart? I’ve been pushing off big story ideas that I want to write so that I can get better at writing. But like what if that’s making me feel less motivated or am I just being annoying about it? Maybe I should just suck it up and practice something easier because I honestly don’t have the skills for a complex novel idea.

2. Do you ever look at other writers progress and process and feel bad about your own? Because I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately and trying to adapt to every writers process is impossible and not fun. But I’m stifled by the fear of doing things wrong even though there’s not really a “wrong” way to write.

3-4. I want to participate in nano but I’m a student so it’s going to be a challenge. Since you also were a student do you have any tips? I’ve heard from others that I should just give up writing while in school and every time it hurts, even though I know they don’t mean me any harm. I just want to know if it’s really impossible. So I guess this really is a 2 part question: Do you have any time management tips for writing as a student and do you have any tips for starting nano for the first time?

Hi hi hi!

1. Tbh, my best advice is just to write what you want. If that’s the hard thing, then go for the hard thing. I skirted around difficult projects thinking I didn’t have the skill set for them but that just led me to never writing them. The truth is you’re always going to be missing something before writing a project—writing is an evolutionary art form for that reason, so it’s intrinsic that we learn and fail as we go.

2. I don’t really feel bad when comparing myself to other writers but this probably is mostly because I generally don’t have negative self-talk anymore (IDK WHERE IT WENT LOL) but you’re absolutely not alone in this feeling (& I know I’ve felt this way in the past). You’ve got it right that there’s no one process, and tbh, the thing you might have to do is just constantly remind yourself of that when writing in order to push through. A lot of the time if writing is sticking for me for a more abstract reason like this I have to grit my teeth and keep reminding myself it’s okay to be imperfect, etc.

3. To be verrrryyy honest with you, I struggled to balance writing & school and while I don’t think you have to give up writing while being a student, something a lot of the times naturally has to give since being a student is so time consuming. Not to be discouraging at all but just as a precursor because I was never able to successfully do NaNo when I was in school (not even in high school) EXCEPT for in 2022, and that was for a couple reasons. Mostly, I just put school on the back burner haha. I’m not recommending this but at that point in my degree I was tired of how I was being treated & not being able to prioritize my own writing & I started to push the boundaries of my academics to see how much I could let go in order to write. This is not something I responsibly recommend, but it’s what I did. I wrote a lot in lectures (….. oops lol) & pulled back a bit on assignments (I still did as well as I typically do which is when I realized for me I could put in less effort into school & get the same results—just MY experience, again not a recommendation).

So I’m not saying it’s impossible but I don’t want to make it seem like I was able to juggle both. I wasn’t lol! I skipped classes, I BS’d assignments & that’s bc school wasn’t my priority anymore (this was 100% best for my mental health & I surprisingly academically performed the best I ever have & also graduated #1 in my faculty BUT I thrive off of chaotic timetables & doing things when I’m not supposed to lol, so again not a recommendation & just context as to how I did it).

Otherwise, a couple things I did: edited late at night when I was too tired to draft & added words through line level edits. Used scene ideas from old books & propagated them into the new book. Prepped a little in advance by drafting (or you could outline) so I knew where I was going. Got ahead by 1k as much as I could. It also helped that I was at the exact right place at the exact right time to do nano (literally got right to the climax at the very end), so a lot of my success I think was also luck.

My biggest tip for starting NaNo for the first time is to be open for your expectations to change & to listen to yourself as you go because a word count isn’t worth your mental health! If you can plan around busy days that can also help too. November was always the worst month for deadlines when I was in school, so if you’re falling behind it’s soooo okay! Have fun with it—NaNo isn’t supposed to be stressful, so if it is it’s okay to amend the goal to suit your lifestyle! :)

[itsmymeaningoflife]

I know it’s weeks late but 11x20 review

* the flashbacks of Daryl and Carol moments through the seasons and Carol being a badass is making me sob

* Look you know I’ll always be a Caryler through and through but Zeke might have been one of the best thing for Carol. He was genuinely sweet and loving and open with her and she needed that. But like I say. Caryl for life

* That’s my queen 🥰 fighting off those men with a baking tray and a rolling pin was ICONIC

* Carol is so pretty when she’s running from the Law

* Hell yeah Carol went straight off to find her man (went off to find Daryl even though Zeke go nabbed from right under her nose might I add. I see you miss girl)

* Daryl bro that’s a bit embarrassing that you’re getting choked out.

* Carol handing Daryl’s crossbow back to him🥺

* Shut up Pamela I literally don’t care

* Okay Yumiko go off. Smack that bitch

* DOG NO

* Daryl immediately trusting Carol in her plan to get Hornsby >>

* Once again I ask myself - is Tommi hot or is he just British?

* On a side note Tommi and Yumiko are amazingly cast siblings. They look so similar (even down to the CHEEKBONES) and have similar mannerisms

* CONNIE!! Hey girl!! Long time no see. I need more Connie and Kelly content. Best sibling duo

* Oh my lord I will never be over how seamlessly Daryl and Carol can work together without even speaking a word

* Hornsby is cracking the fuck up Jesus

* Daryl bro Hornsby looks like he’s enjoying being choked out a little too much

* Carol pushing Daryl off Lance was SO FUCKING HOT

* DARYL WATCHING AS CAROL SOFTLY THREATENS HORNSBY AHHHHH

* Lance asking Daryl to carry him was the funniest fucking scene ever why did no one mention this. I’m pissing. I had to pause the ep. The slightly unhinged flirty undertones? The pissed off but slightly taken aback look on Daryl’s face. Carol man handling him. Cracked me up

* The brief

* shot of blood covered Hornsby with Daryl over his right shoulder and Carol over his left is a beautiful piece of cinema.

* Carol stopping in fear when Daryl is being shot at— not much phases this woman but put her man in danger then she’s gonna panic

* “Not without you!!” !!!! The looking back at each other as Carol leaves!! The final glance!! The fear!!! God these two

* Daryl’s look of relief as he watches Carol leave!!! Knowing he might die in this shoot out but knowing that Carol made it out is enough!! The brief sigh and droop of his head as he turns away from watching Carol leave before springing back into action!!! I can’t deal with these two anymore

* Was Pamela really expecting to keep Sebastian’s Walker in that cell forever?? That’s fucked up

* Lance telling Carol that she was right to leave Daryl behind and he was slowing her down…. And asking who else could do what she just did??? Now I’m not saying I agree with Lance… but I low-key agree

* Lol Carol pulling a gun on Lance after he mentioned Daryl is peak simp energy

* CAROL ONE CHANCE IS ALL I ASK I CAN TREAT YOU SO MUCH BETTER THAN DARYL DOES GIRL

* I’m sorry but I’m not that attached to Eugene so his whole story isn’t hitting these emotional beats for me. I do feel bad for him tho

* “It’s hard to find someone like that, someone you’d do anything for.” And then Lance goes on to compare his feelings for Pamela to Carols feelings for Daryl. AND THEN asking Carol what comes after all the trouble at the commonwealth?? Bros I’m not being funny but like… I don’t think cannon is lost just yet. This convo might be important

* “I know you.” Then in the next breath “Will you let the commonwealth burn?… yeah of course she will. Any of our group would for the safety of their group

* Lance, I’m telling you now, DO NOT hold the kids well-being over Carols head

* That slow mo peely Walker was v cool

* THE MUSIC!!! THE RELIEF ON CAROLS FACE WHEN DARYL SHOWS UO TO SAVE HER!! The shot of him walking through the light!!! Her Guardian Angel!!

* Hell yeah they did get away!!

* Okay Yumiko pop off. Big respect

* That look between Carol and Daryl when Lance mentions the tracks and the train

* Lance stfu these two don’t need you for a single second

* My parents are so hot when they threaten Lance in tandem

* Daryl stepping forward like an attack dog the second Carol says “we’ve heard enough.” They’re so in sync I love them

* Yes Carol take him down. I love her. Nothing but respect for my queen

* Carols little disappointed shake of her head as she gets into the truck after killing Lance honestly makes me think she respected the game he played. He made the wrong choice in the end tho

* Oh my god have they drugged them all?!? That’s awful

That ep was brilliant. A bit bitter sweet knowing we could’ve had way more of that content in the Caryl spin off but what can you do about it aye. Hope isn’t lost just yet

[arklayraven]

I really want to continue playing nb and the og obey me, but my main issue is the events that not only because they happen so often so you have to choose between story progression or getting the cool new thing! There is also the fact that unless you have time to grind and grind and grind, have money, and/or saved up a bunch of devil points there is little to no way to get what you want especially if it’s a cool card. Also the boxes piss me off cause I’ve been cheated out of a card so many times because of the boxes that I’ve just given up on the games.

Sorry for the rant I’m just really pissed I can’t play a game I like.

It's alright, I'm fine with ranting over this.

And I completely understand ya here and agree. The events are honestly too much, little breathing space in between, and they are becoming more stressful and draining by how much you have to grind in them. Especially for the CB events, which look to be becoming constant near month long events, but are so much more stressful. As well just chances to get what you want are near impossible. Unless you are very lucky in both the event, and if you try, summoning in Nightmares to get those needed cheat cards.

Yes, Lonely Devil is a thing now, but with these constant events, its hard to give LD a chance because it'll be a decision on using resources on LD, or the current new event, and of course as you mentioned, the main story lessons if they happen to release during those times.

Like its very clear, whether some players(devoted PTP solmare supporters) like to admit it or not, both og OM and NB have become very PTP only and anti-FTP with all the restrictions and all. Like if you really want to make real progress in the game, get all the rewards/cards you want, etc. You'll have to throw real money in for guarantee wins/gets. And I'm sorry to PTP players but your advice to FTP players is kinda pointless now. I've seen it given to others a couples time now to make things sound easy or possible through FTP means but in reality, it really isn't. Also the fact FTP players have to jump through many loops to get event a taste of good stuff compared to PTP players, is just ridiculous at this point to me.

So I completely understand ya for not being able to continue playing the game. Tbh, I want to drop it too, but just can't, it sadly has a hook on me, and I'm a FTP player. As well, my love for Asmo is just too much now. lol Yet, Solmare treats him so bad in these events/nightmares(I mean look at what happened to his bday event/nightmare).

If Solmare cared about their players, all types. I feel story battles should be very easy to beat, and more story driven focused than battles progression focused.

Also, don't run so many events during the times main story lessons drop? Yes, some say we can just take our time. That the main lessons will still be there, but they don't take into account if you don't read it on release it, you will be spoiled hard and that ruins it for many to keep playing.

Also Nightmares, should have better new cards got rates, and less annoying repeats. Especially for new special limited time Nightmares. I don't even know when we'll get revivals now, if we do....Which is why I feel so desperate to try to get my fave cards while I can. But my luck has been worse since their supposed increased gacha rates and I fear I won't get my Asmo again...

lol I started ranting myself here, so will end this before I go on too much.

I'm sorry Solmare driven you, and many players, away with their greedy and selfish changes and decisions. I can only hope they will listen finally and change/improve things for players but...I really doubt it now.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I know this is all very new to me, that one someone who gets in my head and doubts things a lot and also that everyone’s experiences are different. So I could very easily change my mind on this.

But I feel like media as a whole , at least the stuff I’ve consumed , has always done the best job of highlighting just how much a relationship really is just like a best friendship.

I know before I ever properly had one I just viewed it as this separate thing. I still wanted who I dated to be my best friend, but I guess I never knew what that would feel like. I think it’s also just brought to life how I’m not very good in the friend department lol.

I get in my head a lot about this stuff. I keep thinking oh no am I not feeling what I’m supposed to feel. Should it be more of this and less of that. Should I be doing this instead. Am I moving too slow. Am I moving too fast. It’s easy to give myself all those questions since we don’t live near each other either. The slip to feeling self conscious when someone is just on a screen is very quick I think. But I look back to all the times irl and it’s just nice. Plain and simple nice. I don’t even really worry about it all that much in the moment because I genuinely just feel like I’m hanging out with my best friend. We link arms and kiss and have sex and all that, and I enjoy it and find her desirable in that way, but more then anything I really do wholeheartedly feel like I’m just having a fun time with my friend.

I guess since my scaffolding for relationships while growing up has been from fiction or dysfunctional heterosexual relationships I was going in a bit blind. Growing up it was like you had your partner and you had your friends. They were completely seperate in what they offered you. And romance books / fanfiction very heavily dive into the hard hitting emotions and glorification of finding a piece of yourself somewhere else.

Ive found for myself it’s nothing like that. I thought it was once, when I was with my. But also I wasn’t with her for very long and she was my first girlfriend. My first time being gay in person. Of experiencing certain things I’d only read about. I didn’t get enough time with her to get to this point.

And it’s still VERY early days. So I know I have a long way to go in understanding myself and my feelings and what they mean. And I know I’ll still have days where I get insecure and overanalyse stuff , to try and put myself into the boxes the world have put around me, get frustrated at myself for not doing things the way I feel like I need to. But I also know I just feel nice. To some nice might be too low of a word. Too small. Not grand enough. Not filled with enough love. However a lot of my bad emotions are overwhelming strong and exhausting. Even good ones sometimes have been really strong to the point where the drop really hurts.

I like something being nice. I like it being slow. Being nice fills like calm seas after years of rough ones. I also know it’s probably because I’m just stupidly mentally ill and depressed, so I might never feel that true rush of long term happiness I want to. But this is still really good. I might not have a bright sun and rainbows over my little boat. But it’s calm and stopped raining. I can look around a bit and share it with my best friend.

That type of nice seems really good to me. It’s comforting. It’s not what I had built in my head a romantic relationship necessarily was, but I think I like the reality more. At least when I’m not feeling insecure over it and comparing myself to either fictional and or heterosexual standards.