#i’m just suffering a lot i need bts

[dise7se]

missing bts a lot right now

[amphitriteswife]

📝✂️Ror/ Snv characters as Students📝✂️

Qin shin huang:

🪭 never listens to the teacher. Like ever. He just does a lot of shit and the teacher is fed up with him so they let it slide

🪭 He’s the type of student to never study or show up and still pass with ease. No one knows how, not even the teachers.

🪭’ Qin you have had like 43 periods of missed lesson and it’s not even the second semester. How the hell did u even pass my test’ ‘Sir, i am literally God’s chosen emperor’

🪭 If you’re partnered up with him, prepare to take the lead cause bro either doesn’t know shit or he aint even present to begin with

🪭Even though he doesn’t do much for projects, he still buts whatever you need for it as a way to repay you. Including if he gets food or drinks, he’s paying for them too.

🪭Has very random subjects. Mainly cause they have China in them, including Chinese.

🪭 ‘Alright, what subjects do you wish to choose to take exams from?’ ‘China’

🪭 Violates dress codes. You need to dress in uniform? He’ll wear the most lavish suit you have ever laid your eyes upon. The school has a gala and you need to dress fancy? He’ll pull up w the most casual and basic outfit ever.

🪭 If he’s actually present, which is a rare sight, he’s usually loud. Mainly cause he has lots of friends and basically knows everyone since you can get along with him greatly.

🪭 complains about a lot of subjects. Math? He hates it. Biology? It gives him big brain moment and he doesn’t get it. Literature? Not Chinese? He don’t want anything to do with it.

🪭 ‘Ma’am i’m innocent, why does thou must bestows such suffering upon me?’ ‘Qin i just asked you if you could read page 34 out loud’

🪭 popular with girls. U know how bro rizzed up Alvitr? Yeah he does that with other girls too. He’s one of the popular dudes so it’s not like it’s hard either💀

🪭He’s a kpop stan. You can’t prove me otherwise. He listens to BTS, Straykidz, Ateez, KAI, EXO, Tri.be, Itzy and a lot more.

🪭 has lots of friends to the point he almost knows the whole school. Even the new comers.

🪭He a player actually. You know how bro had like idk 39291819101 concubines? Yeah that doesn’t change here either. ‘Hannah? She was In February. Mao mao? She’s so last week’

🪭Throws house parties. The extravagant ones too. Big house, a pool, big garden, many floors. You name it. Funny thing is: it aint even the main house.

🪭won the vote for: ‘Who will most likely become a stripper at the end of the school year?’ In the year books. Most think it’s not even cause he needs money but because he’ll do it for fun

🪭 passed out during the School Gala cause he heard someone say that Sushi is Japanese.

🪭doesn’t eat cafeterias food. ‘I, Qin Shi Huang, refuse to eat this….stuff…I have my own glorious food. You’ll never catch him eat anything that isn’t Asian food.

🪭Bothers ppl during lectures. As in he turns and just stares. He’ll either smile or just keep staring to annoy you.

🪭 always goes to school functions, yet ends up being the one yall wait for to go back. He just disappears when yall arrive and spawns back 34 min late.

🪭Has started a campaign for trips to China

🪭 Had a lot of baby momma’s. He a cool dad and rich enough for it. Lowkey knows how to be a dad too

Poseidon:

🔱 he’s in the school’s swimming team and even won awards for it.

🔱 straight A+ student. He a boring one okay. He dont party, doesn’t even hang out after school. Straight home and learning.

🔱 You’ll only catch him drinking water during breaks and eating nutritious. He actually enjoys salad’s. Especially when it’s middle eastern ones. Does he know what’s in it? He thinks. But he dont care. If it healthy and it bussing it works for him.

🔱 ‘My body is a temple’ ahh student. It wouldn’t be surprising if his ass did Yoga or some meditation.

🔱 only goes to school trips if it’s on the beach or it’s for a grade. He the type of person that actually does the assignment instead of having fun.

🔱 he doesn’t have many friends and usually sticks to his brothers or has his earphones in. He’s the one that’s usually silent during that time too

🔱 He’s the honor graduate. Didn’t give a speech tho. He just grabbed the diploma and dipped. He did grab some food that was prepared

🔱 actually has a gf??🤨 like legit, and she’s the captain of the swimming team. He lowkey simps but he’s Poseidon so you probably will never notice.

🔱 was at a house party once. ONCE. Bro got wasted. He didn’t know punch contained alcohol, bro thought it was lemonade. Ate too much with alcohol in his system. I think yall can guess that it didn’t end well for em😭

🔱 He wears casual clothes, sometimes blazers. He doesn’t like yoga pants cause they look ‘lanky’ not even during Yoga

🔱 He takes notes during classes. Like every class. Every moment. He either writes them or types it on his laptop. Only shared with ppl likes. It’s always organized too.

🔱 if you’re partnered up with him, it can go two ways. He’s either doing only his part and leaves you to fend for yourself. Or he helps (rare sight) with the difficult parts.

🔱 he prefers communicating in the chat document. That way he can be home and still communicate if he needs to, he doesn’t like calling cause his brothers are loud asf, and he wouldn’t talk until necessary.

🔱 supports the school library. Mostly because it’s quiet and he likes quiet, but also because he wants to read a lot and it’s an excuse to not go home. He usually studies there too.

🔱 goes to waterparks during school breaks and posts pics on insta. Insta only too. No snap, no facebook, no bereal, no nothing. Even if he does have it, he doesn’t want others to know.

🔱 surprisingly has discord. But it’s only to play games. He curses ppl out in voice chat.

🔱 would either never have kids or ends up being a teenage dad. Dw tho, his gf can support him if he ends up being a stay at home husband.

🔱 models for extra money. Mostly tight clothes cause they gotta use that body for good advertisement.

🔱 he also hits the gym regularly, so he posts pics about him at the gym too.

🔱 has an onlyfans?????

Loki:

🎭 probably sees the school therapist. Every month too. They give him candy.

🎭 Actually likes literature, art, music and surprisingly p.e🤨 he likes p.e cause he can get his mind off things and look good

🎭 probably has or is in an emo phase. He has his ear pierced and wears black cargo pants. Might even have some tattoo’s.

🎭 He either annoys ppl or is very quiet. Although ppl are mostly scared when he’s quiet cause he unpredictable.

🎭 He probably goes out for walks with his earphones in after school. Like y’know when it’s raining a lil and you can smell the grass n all while you listen to music? Yeah that’s his nostalgic experience.

🎭 He writes poems in his free times or spents a lot of time in the atelier.

🎭 Had a very messy break up with sigyn and it was the hot topic in the school. It was in the school’s newspaper and everything. Even the teachers knew

🎭 he listens to a lot of music. Mostly during making art or writing. He mostly listens to: Mitsuki, Chase Atlantic, Beach Weather, The Weekend, Tylor the Creator and The Neighborhood.

🎭He either hates or loves school trips. Even if he hates the school trip he still goes, mainly because Sigyn goes. But he won’t talk to her though. Cause he too scared.

🎭 He takes aesthetically pleasing pictures of different things. He has a nature page, a dark royal one and a school one. All of em are on insta though.

🎭 he does sometimes go to parties, but he either spends a lot of time with his friends and gets wasted or goes home early.

🎭He’s friends with Hercules and Ares. Who are mostly concerned for his well being.

🎭 he also might have gotten into heavy metal and vkei. His ass might may have since it cause Sigyn likes it.

🎭 if you pared with him you, he either does stuff ir leaves it and does it on the last moment before tge deadline. His ass likes working alone. Secretly prays to be put w Sigyn

🎭 Legit had a mental breakdown in class once. I think bro is used to having em.

🎭 Got voted to be one of those pissy teachers later on in life in the year book.

That’s all for now💀 might make a part two w more characters.

⭐️tag list⭐️ @miss-seanymph-pani @tinyy-tea-cup @heldril @nicasdreamer @monstertreden @riseofamoonycake @imperfectbloodmoon @salmonpoki @snowmantita @rukia-writes @swallowtail-lotus @brokensenseofhumor @bromeliae

[katnisspeetaprim]

Slice Of Life Part 2

Jeon Jungkook/Reader

Summary: Your relationship with jungkook is going strong, but things don't always go as planned.

Warnings: Established relationship, idol!au, fem!reader, pregnancy, talk of toxic family, swearing.

Word count: 2198 Part1 M.list

2020

Since that first date with Jungkook, things had been going well. You had been together for just about two years at this point, having moved in together after the first year. Even though you were both young, you both knew that this is something you were in for the long haul.

Basically, everything was perfect. Until it wasn’t.

Having a baby at this point in your life was definitely not on your to do list. At 22 you’d think you would know better. You and Jungkook had gotten pretty drunk at the party celebrating the success of their last album, MOTS: Persona, and apparently decided to have unprotected sex.

Now you wouldn’t change it for the world. You were the proud parents of a beautiful 2 year old little girl, but at the time in 2020, things weren’t all sunshine and rainbows...

When you found out you were pregnant, neither of you knew what to do. Only thing you knew for sure was that you wanted to keep it, but Jungkook was having constant panic attacks at the thought that this could cost him his career. You weren’t anybody famous, just a regular store worker, so even though you wanted to sympathize with him, you didn’t suffer that kind of anxiety.

Jungkook’s anxiety got so bad some nights that he would rush to throw up, and then fall asleep on the bathroom floor. His fellow BTS members noticed a change in the young boy. There worry continued to grow every time he would arrive at the studios, obviously completely exhausted. They tried talking to him, but he would always brush off their concerns, insisting that nothing was wrong and that he could take care of himself.

Looking back, Jungkook knows that his panic was unfounded, but he couldn’t help but think the worst at the time.

The very first person he’d told you were pregnant, even before his own parents, was Namjoon. He knew he could trust his leader to put him on the right path.

‘Please say something hyung.’ Jungkook had cornered Namjoon in his studio, knowing they would have privacy here.

‘I’m just in shock honestly. You know you’ve been incredibly foolish right?’ Namjoon stared pointedly at the younger boy, who in turn looked down in shame. ‘Who else knows?’

‘Nobody yet and I know I need to tell the company, but hyung I’m terrified.’ Jungkook buried his face in his hands as the tears freely fell. Namjoon looked on with pity. The maknae had gotten himself into this situation so it was his own responsibility. That said, he would still be there for him as his leader and more impotently, his friend.

‘I’m scared I’m going to loose everything I’ve worked so hard for, and I’m scared I’ll be an awful father...’ he was basically sobbing now, letting his emotions fully overtake him. Namjoon was up in a flash and now sitting next to Jungkook, arm placed across his shoulders to offer some comfort.

‘I can’t say how you’ll be as a parent, that’s all down to you. But you know me and the guys will always be on your side. I’m sure it wont come to this, but if the company tries anything, all of us will refuse to work.’ Namjoon was confident in his statement. If they tried to force Jungkook out, they would all fight it tooth and nail to get their way.

Luckily it didn’t come to that. Namjoon had forced Jungkook to set up a meeting that same day to tell the company, stating that it would be better to do it sooner rather than later.

They were pissed to put it bluntly. Pissed that one of their top idols would be so careless.

‘So what do you plan to do?’ Namh Si-Hyuk stared at him from across the table. Usually, he wouldn’t be the one to lead meetings with his idols, leaving that to their managers, but all things considered, he thought it best to deal with this in person. The man was a lot calmer than Jungkook had expected. Bang PD sighed in disappointment when Jungkook told him that you both wanted to keep it, but nodded along never the less.

‘I think the best thing in this situation would be to keep it as quiet as possible, then a few months before delivery, you go on hiatus for ‘personal reasons’.’ Bang PD nodded to himself as he wrote something down on the notepad in front of him. ‘What does Y/N do for work?’ Jungkook’s head snapped up when the older man revealed his plan. For the whole meeting, his head had been bowed, too embarrassed to meet his seniors gaze.

‘What!? You mean I’m not fired?’ Bang PD looked almost offended at Jungkook’s surprised tone.

‘You really think that low of us here?’ He sighed and shook his head.

‘N-no! It’s just...’ He didn’t know what else to say.

‘Ask Y/N how she would feel working here during her pregnancy. That way it would be much easier to keep things under wraps.’

‘Y-yeah. I’ll do that tonight.’ He had no idea how that conversation would go down. It wasn’t like you particularly liked your job at the convenience store, but still...

‘What? So now I have to be watched by your company!?’ You seethed as you stood over Jungkook, who was doing everything to avoid eye contact. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

‘It’s not like that. They just want to make sure it doesn’t get out yet.’

‘Well tough shit! I have no obligation to your company! Fuck you for even asking me this Jungkook!’ He winced when you cursed at him, sighing as he watched you storm off towards the bedroom. He couldn’t force you to leave your job, but he also didn’t know where to go from there.

It had taken you the whole night to calm down. You didn’t even let Jungkook in the bedroom that night, forcing him to sleep in the stuffy spare room. You understood he was only doing what BigHit had requested of him, so your anger towards him was probably unfounded.

You sat down with him when he returned home the next night, and spoke about what was best for you to do. You knew it could be dangerous for you to continue working at the convenience store if people found out who the father of your baby was, so you reluctantly agreed to accept a position at the company building.

‘I’m nervous Kook, what if I screw up?’ You fidgeted nervously as you walked into the building with him. Jungkook didn’t actually need to be there that day, but he wanted to make sure you got settled properly.

‘Relax, you’ll do great! Plus you’re only an assistant so not much to stress about!’ he reassured you, grabbing your hand and stroking your knuckles. ‘Besides, it’s only until you give birth, so if you hate it that much you don’t have to stay after.’ It had taken you a little while to get used to your new position. Jungkook had lied when he said there wasn’t much stress involved with being an assistant to their managers, but then again, how would he know?

Everybody had been extremely welcoming to you and helped you to settle in. Only a couple of people knew of your situation, so it wasn’t like there was nobody to talk to if need be.

 Years later, you had not only stayed at the company, but raised the ranks and had become a manager for TXT. You’d joined the company not long after their debut, but had known them since you started dating Jungkook pretty much. The boys all loved you, plus you worked well with them so it only made sense for you to be placed with them when you took on a permanent role.

As your pregnancy went on, Jungkook had calmed down somewhat. At least compared to when you first found out. Now it was time to tell other people.

You’d both travelled to Busan to tell his family in person. There reaction was a lot better than you expected in all honesty.

‘I can’t believe I’m going to be a grandma already! Would it have killed you to wait a few years!?’ His mother cried out, whilst pulling the two of you into a tight hug.

‘If you ever need any help, you know where we are, ok?’

Later that night, Jungkook was hold up with his dad and brother, doing god knows what, whilst you and his mom sat in the living room, eating nibbles and drinking tea.

‘So. You can tell me the truth. How has all this been for you?’ she asked with a knowing smile.

‘It’s been stressful I wont lie.’ You absentmindedly rested your hand on top of your stomach. You were about 5 months along at this point.

‘Jungkook was really scared at first. So was I. But we have so many amazing people around us, it was hard to even feel that way after a while.’

‘And how about your parents dear?’ What have they done for you?’ You swallowed the lump in your throat and looked away. You had to tell your family at some point, but you knew the reaction they would have. There attitude was part of the reason you had up and moved across the country without telling them.

Your reaction told  Jungkook’s mom everything she needed to know, so she placed a comforting hand on your shoulder.

‘You’ll always have us. Please don’t forget that.’

After that visit, you decided that there was no need for your parents to know. The only time they called you was when they wanted money now that your step dad had lost his job, so why would you want that toxicity in your child’s life?

Jungkook was supportive of your decision, having witnessed your family’s anger first hand. Though it wouldn’t be long until they found out...

At around 7 and a half months, the rumours began floating around about the pregnant woman that recently started at the company. Different rumours were surfacing whenever you were pictured with certain idols. Nothing was confirmed however, until you and Jungkook were spotted leaving your apartment one morning. The news exploded that day, causing BigHit to basically go into lockdown for damage control.

‘since you were seen leaving Y/N’s place, we think it would be best to confirm the relationship, to avoid anymore rumours.’ Manager Sejin explained, strong cup of coffee in his hands. Jungkook grasped your hand under the table as you listened intently.

‘Is it still ok for me to work here?’ You asked hesitantly. Sejin shot you a questioning look. ‘Since I was only offered the position to keep the pregnancy quiet.’ Sejin smiled at you and patted your shoulder.

‘You’ll always be welcome here Y/N, if that’s what you want. Right now though, you both need to look over this statement.’

There was a mix of reactions to the announcement. There was some positive, but also a lot of negative, and negative ones always stuck out the most.

People saying that you baby trapped him, that he was too young and you ruined his life, mostly things like that.

Even though they promised that you would always have a job there, Sejin insisted that you take early maternity leave, allowing you to work from home so the situation could blow over. Jungkook had also been placed on leave so he could be with you for the last part of your pregnancy. You felt awful that he had to stop working early because o you, but he reassured you that there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.

‘Jagi... You know this is something I don’t want to miss.’ He came up behind you and rubbed your stomach. ‘If they didn’t put me on leave, I don’t know when I would be here with you.’ You smiled and spun round in his arms to face him, leaning up to kiss him.

‘I love you.’

When it came time to give birth, considering it was also your first child, everything went as smoothly as it could. You were in labour for about 13 hours, before you finally gave birth.

‘It’s a girl!’ Your exhausted breathing filled the room as your daughter was placed on your bare chest. Jungkook looked on in awe, tears welling up in his eyes, as his fingers ghosted over her head, almost as if he were afraid to touch her.

‘Kook... she’s perfect.’ You stared down at the baby, not quite believing you had helped make her.

‘We should get her cleaned up.’ The nurse scooped her from your grasp. You didn’t want to let her go.

‘Y/N...I can’t believe we’re actually parents now.’ Jungkook pulled you back to reality and you turned your tired head to face him.

Happy tears streamed down his face. He wiped his eyes before standing and hugging you from above.

‘Do we have a name?’ The nurse smiled as she handed your baby back to you. Both Jungkook and you smiled warmly at each other, before looking own at your daughter.

‘So-Hee.’

[icedmatchatae]

Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter IX: Hear Me Out

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: this was long for no reason lol, LOTS of crying in a one night, mentions of substance use and alcoholism, brief description of therapy, hints of depression and anxiety, the media is the absolute worse, mentions of panic attacks, a very emotional yet soft flashback, brief description of past infidelity (just want to hug oc :c), very brief mention of unexpected pregnancy (don't worry, it's none of them), insecurities on maintaining a relationship, Seojoon is back ayeee, verbal fighting

Word Count: 12.8k

Chapter IX: Hear Me Out || Series Masterlist

Settling down a glass of water and a plate of leftover homemade cookies in front of Taehyung, you both sat at your futon table, sitting across from one another. After you calmed him down, you knew he never wanted to be alone after an episode. You suggested bringing him home, but he refused and told you to not tell anyone what had happened. So ultimately, you brought him to your small apartment.

You still made sure that the unconscious men were still alive, and they all had pulses. The liquid that the first blacked-out men were on top of was soju. They probably would have forgotten what happened, so you escaped the premises holding a partially drunk Taehyung before someone caught you.

He muttered a thank you before drinking the water in one go and taking a cookie to help him sober up. Only the chewing and crunching from Taehyung cracked through the air as vocal silence was somewhat necessary after the events. 

While he did so and stared at the bitten treat, you played with your fingers as you eyed around your apartment. Though he didn’t mind, you were a bit embarrassed showing him where exactly you lived. Everywhere screamed skeptical and empty. You couldn’t help but compare it with his multi-billion won high-security house with a fucking nice backyard.

“Sorry if…uhh, my apartment’s not much.” You didn’t know why you had to apologize for your living situation. It wasn’t your fault.

Looking up from the baked good, he found you and your cheeks fairly pink while doing your habit. He fuddled while lifting a brow. “You don’t need to apologize. If anything, I should be thanking you for bringing me here.”

“But still…you’re not used to this type of lifestyle.” You shrugged awkwardly. “I don’t even have a couch.”

“___, I could care less if we used the floor as a table or you used your hands to scoop the water I’m drinking.”

You nodded, staying quiet. However, you grew more lax with his reassurance, even letting out a sigh of relief. You watched him pop the remnants of sweet before taking another one from the plate. He looked rather functional, but of course, still infused with alcohol. You didn’t really speak after you sang the song together. He merely followed you silently while you said short instructions.

“How are you feeling now?” You asked softly, a tinge of worry dipped into your asking.

He stopped the cookie mid-way from his mouth before closing it. He placed the dessert back down and sighed, “Thank you for saving me back there. Who knows what would have happened to me if you weren’t there.” He pushed the plate away from him. “You didn’t need to though, could have left me to suffer the consequences.”

“Please, no. Taehyung, you were having a panic attack.” You disagreed, couldn’t even imagine not helping. “I couldn’t leave you like that. I would have done that to anyone.”

To anyone…right. The idol hummed, taking in your statement. “Guess you helped me escape from the law, my lovely accomplice.” He quipped with a smirk. You rolled your eyes before a small grin crept on your face. “You should know you’re still one of the only people who knows how to calm me down like that.”

Your lips faltered in confusion. “Who’re the others?”

“My mom, grandma before, and Jimin.” He replied. “I forgot about the song. It’s the most effective for me.”

You smiled, recalling the first time you used it. It was hours before the middle school talent show. The only reason why you did it was to distract him. He needed to focus on his mind away from his rough breathing. It was on a whim, but it worked great and now the song always calmed him down whether he went through an episode or not.

His list was expected as they were the most important people in his life. However, it was shocking that a specific person you thought of wasn’t on the list. “Not even Clara?”

Taehyung snorted as if you said a joke, “Please she doesn’t know anything about calming someone down. All she cares about is her image.”

Well, that was completely out of nowhere, baffled by his reveal. He spoke on it so casually, yet it was like a blow to his relationship. You couldn’t help but be curious as to why he might have said that, but you chose not to ask as it was the least of your worries right now.

Ignoring his comment, you decided to ask other questions that came to mind while you were on the bus ride home. “Before tonight, when was the last time you went through an episode?”

Tilting his head to the side, he stared at the wall across as he went through the folders of his memories. “Like a full episode, probably last year. Short breaths from time to time, but nothing too serious like tonight.”

“Taehyung…” You frowned, scooting closer to him. You kept your palms on your thighs when you kept your stare on him. His expression remained blunt, almost as if these mini-episodes weren’t at all concerning.

“No worries, ___. They weren’t big. When they happen, the breathing exercises help.”

“Could I ask what caused your last one? Wait, how’d you get into that situation?” Some things weren’t adding up. You were getting more and more perplexed.

He paused for a moment, gazing into your irises. You kept a worried demeanor as you waited patiently. The warm light of your floor lamp in the corner shined onto a side of you, cascading soft shadows of your side profile on the wooden ground.

“If I tell you, then I’d have to tell you things that I’m not proud of.” He explained softly, almost frightened that you’d want nothing to do with him. “You might hate who I’ve become.” His eyes filled with sorrow as he could feel the tears welling up again.

You sucked in your lips as you contemplated a move. Before you even made a choice, you crawled next to him before making yourself comfortable and sat, feeling the warmth he radiated. You looked up at his puzzled face. Before he could question, you motioned him to come and patted his lap.

Though stunned at your forward behavior, his eyes softened. You smiled tenderly and nodded, indicating it was okay. You did your motions once more before he placed his head on your lap, laying his body on the ground. Once his head settled, your appendages caressed through his ebony tendrils to soothe him, repeating the action over and over again.

“Taehyung, I could never hate you.” Your voice was so delicate, but held the heaviest meanings that Taehyung heard in a long time. “Though I don’t know what’s going on with you, please know that your resilience grows every day, more than yesterday, less than tomorrow. You’ll get through it.” You nodded to yourself, deep into thought. “You overcame so many things; bike riding, lighting, stage fright, endless training, close to disbanding. You’ve become successful and loved by many, Taehyung. You reached your goals! I would assume you’d be happier.” You sounded so positive, like how you were when you were younger, his little hope. But the familiar light only shattered him, becoming overshadowed by his intrusive thoughts. Only he knew it wasn’t all true. 

With shaking lips, a cry escaped from his mouth not realizing that he was holding it in. You whispered caring nothings while you brushed your fingers into his scalp. His body pumping as his shoulders trembled as the sobs continued to fall. 

It was at that moment he realized that you were probably gonna find out the side of him he has been trying to hide from you. The side that grew when you were gone in his life, the tragic shit of his life. He didn’t want to tell you, but he knew he could never lie to you. He trusted you.

He will always trust you.

“You say I’m resilient when I’m not.” He began with denial oozing at the words “You may think that my life has been nothing but glamorous with expensive name brands, International celebrity connections, and being loved by millions, from all my “success”. That my happiness is from all of that.” He chuckled, yet there was no humor in his tone. He bit his lips, quietly attempting to stop his sorrows. “But it’s not, ___.” He stabilized his breathing, feeling pressure in his chest. “I haven’t been happy for a while, and…and I don’t know what happened. I don’t know at all.”

He turned his head up so that he saw your face. Your arm hooked around the side of his face, your forearm feeling against his supple yet worn-down cheeks. Your digits were still attached to his hair. Your eyes were crystal clear, shining at him with the worrisome expression you’d been carrying since he saw you tonight. Yet you were getting confused, “What do you mean?”

The waves of sadness, the trickling of despair in his voice, and the tiredness against the hallows of his eyes and cheeks remained evident in the idol as he revealed what he has been dealing with for the years apart. His increasing anxiety and depression, therapy, the band, the scandals and cover-ups, and hurting numbness to his feelings ultimately resulted in his battle with substances and alcoholism.

Though he mentioned the overcoming of drugs and being clean for a year, the feigned chuckle in his voice indicated no other improvement to all the other shit happening to him. He still felt ashamed of what had become of him. V of BTS, Kim Taehyung, your Taehyung, your Hyungie grew up in a reckless brain of disappointment behind all that fame, fortune, and success. The continuous pressure of being this inhumane super idol representative of his national country in the public eye when really he was a human man struggling to find himself and the joy that was once in his life.

Even instances where he almost ran into mayhem from his behavior. If his members, mainly Jimin and Jungkook, or his friends didn’t find him on time, the paparazzi would have arrived to mess up his reputation and possibly his life.

Through the pain seeping out his voice and the straining tears on his face, you could tell how much it was affecting him, giving a hard time to even say it out loud. You knew he hid something, but it was nothing that you expected. Yet you knew how much he feared, how much it hurt him, having the control of his life being taken away by something he loved doing. 

You kept silent, listening to his speaking while patting his hair. Your pants were soaked by his tears. At times, he had to pause for a moment to let out longer sobs when the feeling got too much. Once it seemed his story met the end, he sat up from your lap to stare into your eyes with his dull ones. “All this love and support, yet I still feel fucking empty!” He raised his voice out of nowhere, making you flinch. Noticing, he apologized quietly through his pupils. He spoke softly this time, “It’s all too much to handle, and adding onto everyone fucking keeping their eyes on me like I’m some zoo animal or puppet to attend to their needs. I just hate it.”

Stillness met around you much longer than anticipated because honestly, you didn’t know what to say to him. You didn’t want to say something he might not want to hear. He might have heard it before and it probably didn’t work. When in doubt, sometimes silence and listening would be the best thing to do.

“___?” He called your name out so timidly. You slightly nodded, telling him you were still here with him. “You think I’m a piece of shit, right?”

You furrowed your eyebrows at his accusation. “What? No, I don’t.”

“You’re lying.”

“Taehyung, I may have been harsh to you but I would never think of you like that.”

“Why not? There’s obviously something wrong with me.” He countered, not truly believing you. “All this shit is because of me.”

“No, nothing is wrong with you.” You fought back, shaking your head. “Things happened to you, Taehyung. You’re not what those events are.”

The idol kept his sodden eyes on you, hardening by the second. However, you too had your pupils focused on him, almost as if you were fighting to win yet your stare was much more gentle and empathetic. With that, it made him believe the authenticity of the words you were saying.

He softened his look and sniffed as he looked away to gaze over at your corner lamp. “You’re the only person who isn’t blaming me for my mess.” Turning his head back to you, he sighed “Whatever I do, I just feel like shit and get blamed. I feel lost and so tired of everything.”

“It’s okay to feel lost. You should give grace to yourself. I mean, you have been in the spotlight since you were young, so the pace is slower, unfortunately.”

“But how long am I gonna be like this?” He groaned in agony. Tears are physically drained out of him, but the redness pierced through his skin. “It’s been years!”

You thinned your lips and nodded, acknowledging his grief. “You should know I can’t answer that.” Though your answer wasn’t the best, it didn’t seem like he was bothered by it at all. “I know I’ll never be in your shoes and I will never know what’s going on in your head, but I do know how strong you are, Taehyung. You’ve always been, for yourself and others.” He remained quiet. But the dimming within the dark hues of his irises suddenly sparkled faintly.  “It sucks and frustrating, and all these annoying shits because people don’t always understand you. You’re kinda hard to crack at times. Maybe that’s why it’s taking longer than usual. But those who truly know the lengths you have to take to overcome this. They will help you understand what you need to bring the goodness and happiness out of you.”

“Will I ever be happy, ___?” He spoke ever so timidly like he desperately needed an answer. 

You leaned back, resting your palms on the hard wooden floor. “They always say good things will happen especially when you least expect it. It’ll come when the time is right.”

But you’re here now and you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

Taehyung had an exhaustive look within his gloom, taking in your words. It was true, not many people understood him especially personally. Even if they did, they’d argue his logic like he was wrong for that. So at that moment, he remembered how much you were the one true person that made him be seen. Exposed and vulnerable. You saw the real Kim Taehyung.

With that, you weren’t expecting the idol to crawl towards your form to wrap his long arms around you as he rested his head in the crook of your neck. His nose gently grazed your skin, letting you inhale sharply. Luckily, he was too deep into his thoughts so you placed your palm on his back before fully reciprocating back.

“Thank you.” The vibration of his voice moved through your goosebumps. “Thank you for your words, for saving me, for everything since you came back. Thank you for being here again, Blue.”

A subtle smile ghosted on your lips at the sound of the nickname, letting him get away with it only this time. “You don’t need to thank me. I’ll be honest when I say I hate it at times, but I’ll be on your side no matter what.”

“Really? Even when I fuck up? Or when the members are mad at me?”

“Well, yeah.” He parted away to look into your eyes. “I’ve known you longer than those around us. It’s your word against theirs; I would believe you than them.”

The way you explained yourself had Taehyung’s heart skipping in a fluttering rapid manner. You spoke so honestly, it said it all on your face too. The gentleness and reassurance he knew and loved.

“Of course, it doesn’t mean I agree with you. I’ll tell your shit with the back of my hand.” Though your words were hard, you continued that tendering tone with an empathetic smile that would make all living entities’ hearts melt. But the contrast made the idol let out a deep chuckle, shaking his head while you weren’t fazed at all. “I’m only being honest.”

“As you are,” Taehyung confirmed before biting his lip. He knew how late it was, but still rejected the thought of going back to his house…with Clara if she was back. He didn’t want the members or his friends to get roped into this because that would require him to explain what happened tonight. “Do you think I could sleep over here?”

You looked taken aback at his question, cocking your brow up. “Tonight? Here?” You asked, then he nodded confidently. “A-are you sure?”

“Please? After what happened…I don’t want anyone else to know and bug me.”

“But…” You had mixed feelings about his request. Sure, you had tons of sleepovers in the past but it was in the past. There were certain things to consider with your decision, and most of it had to do with your boundaries and your hesitancy despite your now willingness to fully accept him.

“Please?” He asked again, with so much vulnerability leaking out of that single word.

But after these recent events and the fact he revealed the darkness of his life update to you, all you wanted was for him to feel safe.

“Do you wanna shower too? I have a spare towel, but I need to dig for larger-sized clothes.” You got up from the floor and started heading down the hallway to your room. “I think I brought some of my grandfather’s pajamas by mistake.” Your voice echoed through your apartment.

Though you didn’t explicitly say yes, Taehyung knew the answer, making him grin like an idiot as he watched your form disappear into the hall. He then crawled up to follow you. It took him a couple of seconds to see where your bedroom was located as it was the only door that was wide open with the lights on.

Once he entered, he noticed that the only furniture there was a neatly made blue-sheeted bed and oak dresser. The surface of the dresser was filled with books, a jewelry box, empty cans of Coca-Cola, and various miscellaneous items.

You were living a very minimalist life, he thought. When the two of you were younger, you always decorated your room. You had a multitude of plush toys on your bed given by your grandparents, his parents, other neighbors, and him too. You liked to plaster pictures of family, him, and art, and posters of your favorite artists on your wall, and displayed your rock collection that remained in one corner of your room.

Nothing in this room screamed “you.” It felt very temporary like you weren’t belonging to this place.

Taehyung then turned away from looking to spot you digging through your closet. He heard you let out an “umph” before you sat back on the floor with a red sweater and a matching-colored pair of plaid pants.

“I was right! I did bring a box of his clothes on accident!” You smiled when you looked up at the idol standing. “They were supposed to be donations, but I grabbed them by mistake and just kept them.” You raised the clothes to him. 

The idol gladly took them into his hands and grinned. “You know your grandfather is a very tall man. I don’t know if I could even fit his clothes.”

“Nonsense, I think you’re as tall as him now. I mean it has been some time.” You got up from the floor and let out a sigh.

“How is he anyways? How has he been since your grandmother passed?”

They were harmless questions that Taehyung asked as simple curiosity and wanting to know how your family was doing. But those very questions made your smile drop into a sorrowful frown.

Taehyung stared at you questionably at the shift in your mood. It seemed like your brain was gearing up, trying to process what he said. He didn’t think it was anything bad but with the slight thinning of your lips with your nostrils flaring, he felt like he said something wrong.

But before he could even defend himself, you nodded casually as you put back a small grin. “Oh yeah, he’s fine. Same strong, gentle old man. Just been busy with the farm and everything. Just thinking about him working in his old age frustrates me, you know?” You were rambling, and it happens because of three things: you got nervous, angry, or you were hiding something.

Taehyung immediately knew the choices but didn’t speak further. It has been a rough night for him and probably for you now, so he didn’t want to add more stress. “He should retire soon, or pass the farm to you or someone else.”

“Yeah…” You sighed, already wanting to change the subject. “You should go shower. Towels inside the hallway closet and I have a spare toothbrush under the bathroom sink.”

The idol nodded, “Maybe, you should go first. It’s late, and a school night. You also have longer hair than me, so it’d take longer to dry.”

Completely forgetting that tomorrow you had a morning class, you mentally cursed yourself. It was close to one in the morning, and usually around this time, you’d still study but you didn’t have the mental capacity right now. You were exhausted and needed to get as much sleep as possible.

“Are you sure?” You asked.

“Of course, Blue. I don’t mind, you’re literally housing me.” He patted your head as you stared up at him.

Your eyebrows pinched before you formed a pout. “I told you to stop calling me Blue.”

“It’s a force of habit.” He shrugged before squeezing your cheek. “Do you know how hard it is for me to call you by your name?”

“It’s not as hard, you know. A normal person calls me by my name.”

“I don’t give a fuck if I’m not normal or not. Blue will forever be your name for me.”

Though you’d normally get angry or show some type of anger, you were forcing yourself to suppress a smile at what he said. A smile that he noticed, so he didn’t take it as seriously.

“Whatever, Taehyung.” You shook your head before gathering up your clothes to shower and change.

“That’s not my name for you.” He denied.

“I’m not saying it. I don’t want to.”

“Why not?” Now he was acting a bit playful, which you didn’t mind. “It’s Blue and Hyungie! Not ___ and Taehyung!”

“You can’t be serious. We had those nicknames when we were kids. We’re nearly in our thirties!”

“Does it look like I care if we’re almost thirty?” The idol reasoned once more. “You being Blue means so much to me. You, of all people, should know how much you mean to me.” He spoke gently when he explained himself, almost sensitive to this topic.

You didn’t know how to respond at that. Though you knew how much you cared about him, you didn’t know how much it was reciprocated back. You had partially low expectations now on how much importance you were towards Taehyung’s life.

So you honestly said, “No, I’m not sure about now…”

The devastation wasn’t enough to describe his expression. A bit of concern, a lot of worry, maybe even frustration. Whatever emotion there was, Taehyung felt worse, realizing the immense strain between you and him. You didn’t trust him, you didn’t know how much he cared and meant to you, it was almost as if every memory made was completely garbage to say the least. At least that was what he thought.

Before he could even say a sound, you quickly changed the subject. “I’m gonna go shower. Just make yourself comfortable.” You said in a rush as you collected some clothes and your towel hanging on the door knob.

Taehyung stood there dumbfounded and exhausted. There was too much to think about and all he wanted to do was not think. He just got to you, he shouldn’t be greedy with this. 

-

While you showered, there wasn’t much for Taehyung to do. You lived in a rather infinite yet empty apartment. He roamed around your place about five times, so he was sure he saw everything you owned here.

Well, almost everything.

He was back in your room, eyes scanning the dresser. Items were still in the same position as he first saw them, but now he had more scrutiny, specifically for your jewelry box. It caught his eyes the most; it was worn down, graphics and patterns faded over time, yet still managed to keep its shape.

He soon realized it was the one his family gave you during a Christmas of your childhood.

The campfire that Taehyung’s father, Jitae, made blazed brightly outside in the back of their house. You, your grandparents, and his family surrounded the fire, taking in the warmth while being covered in jackets and snuggled in thick blankets provided by his mother.

While his siblings, with the help of his grandmother and father, were making s’mores and roasted marshmallows, you and Taehyung shared a blanket and sat in a large woven chair as he wrapped his skinny limbs around you for extra warmth and comfort. It was a relaxing Christmas Eve, and both families wanted to celebrate together because the more, the merrier. The bond was always strong between each other so it was only fair to do so with one another.

“Would you kids like to open one present before Christmas?” Taehyung’s mom, Miseon, asked with a smile. She already had two gifts while your grandmother had the other two.

The obvious answer was saying yes with immense joy in our tones. So when the two women distributed the presents, greedy hands from the Kim siblings snatched them right away. You, on the other hand, looked at his mom curiously when she gave you one. 

“___, this is from us to you,” Miseon informed. “Gifts are never enough to show how much we truly love and care for you, dear. You’ve always been a great blessing to us.”

“HEY!” Sungyeon, the youngest of three, pouted. “That’s not fair!”

“Sungie, don’t be selfish.” Their mom scolded gently but her face showed all the strictness, which ultimately shut him up, and continued opening his toy. Then looked back at you with a more calmer and happier expression. “We hope you like it.”

Smiling, you proceeded to unbox your present. Unlike the others, the way you opened gifts was done in a very neat way. Peeling off the tapes on the sides, carefully slicing the wrapping paper, and sliding it off with precision.

Meanwhile, Taehyung shredded the paper.

You opened the lid which ultimately made you confused. You took it out and observed the outside of it. It was another box, yes, but it was light blue with gold accents around the surface, edges were also gold but felt like metal. The edges were sharp and crisped. Some of the gold engraved your initials on the top of the lid. It even smelled nice too.

You found the opening latch, which also had the option to put an additional lock on it. When you unlocked it, the top popped open surprising you in the process. Nevertheless, you were in awe. There were what appeared to be velvet containers and organizers within the box with a fairly decent mirror. But the thing that made you fall in love was the small ballerina pirouetting slowly as a toy box jingle of Swan Lake played.

“It’s a jewelry box,” Miseon explained to your confused ten-year-old self. “You can put your necklaces, rings, and bracelets in here for safekeeping. I know there’s that necklace your parents gave you and the bracelets you’ve been making.” You nodded as you unconsciously grabbed onto the flower pendant you still used and never took off. “You can put them in here, or any sentimental items you have.”

“Thank you, auntie! I love it.” You cheesed at the box. Anything they gave you, you always took it with pride and honor. Your grandparents watched with smiles as you touched and caressed your jewelry box. Taehyung even stopped to look at you and admire your gift, his present in his lap was long forgotten.

“You know ___, remember you can also call me mom.” Miseon reminded you. A while back, his parents asked permission from your grandparents if it was okay. Because you lost your parents at such a young age and the way you seamlessly meshed into their family, they both wanted to be there to support and love you as their own. Your grandparents were fine with it, knowing the trust that has been built through the years but it was only the matter if you’d accepted them.

“And call me dad.” Jitae chimed in as he sat on the edge next to you. You pursed your lips before nodding quietly, still not giving them a clear answer to their offer.

 “Why do you want ___ to call you that?” Sungyeon asked with a hit of jealousy. “You’re our mom and dad, not hers!”

Then Eunjeong slapped the back of her younger brother’s head, making him wince in pain. “You dummy, don’t be mean! ___ doesn’t have parents, that’s why!” She meant well, but all the adults and Taehyung gasped, knowing how sensitive you were about the mentioning of your parents.

Taehyung slithered his arms around you before pulling you back into his body before you could even react, “Both of you, be quiet! I told you not to talk about that! Blue is sensitive, you know!”

“Now children, calm down.” Your grandmother stepped in, wanting to ease the tension between the angered eldest and the now frightened younger two. “Be careful with your words because they can hurt others. ___ does have parents, they’re just not here anymore. She knows that. And second—”

“It’s okay, grandma.” You interrupted your grandmother, making everyone crane their heads at you. You finally spoke after being silent, feeling it was right to do so. “Yeah, I know my parents are gone…I still miss them.”

“Blue, it’s okay. Cry it out.” Taehyung cooed, tightening his grip on you but his coddling made you laugh and shake your head before parting away from him.

“Hyungie, I’m not sad about it as much.” You reassured. “Besides, I have a family here!” You opened your arms, showcasing to those around you. “I have my grandparents…siblings…a best friend…” You turned to face his parents, showing all the love you had for them in your eyes. “Parents?” You said it so softly but it was enough for both of his parents to have tears in their eyes.

You got up from the chair to stand in front of Miseon and looked up at her. “I have a mom, but…you can also be my mom too.” You craned your head over to Jitae. “And you can also be my dad too!”

Your reveal made his parents rush to hug you with a strong yet welcoming embrace. You were squished between the two but felt the love they emitted.

Though you barely had time with your actual parents, you still held and thought of them very highly. You remembered what they did with you, how much love they had for you, and giving you what you wanted and needed. But the memories were fading as you grew older, the distance between them and you, their faces were only shown in pictures. It was harder since they weren’t physically here anymore.

You were finally willing to bring them in, willing for them to be part of your life from now on.

Sungyeon was about to protest but Eunjeong nudged him to be quiet to not ruin the beautiful moment. 

Taehyung smiled at the innocent memory. You were always well loved by his family, his parents treating you as if you were their child and even taking care of you when your grandparents were busy. In some ways, his parents wanted you to be part of the Kim family.

His siblings seemed to love you more than they did with him, which never bothered Taehyung at all since he got to see that bright smile on your face.

Even after the falling, his parents or siblings would mention you from time to time, wondering if you were ever okay and doing well for yourself. They tried their best to contact you, but it seemed that you were incognito and keeping your distance. It hurt both ends, but at least they wanted the best for one another. You were also a memory for them since it’s been years since they last saw you or your grandparents.

Mindlessly, Taehyung opened the box which revealed pouches of earrings and necklaces and a row of rings. You know the typical items inside a jewelry box.

However, what caught his eye was a handmade craft he didn’t think he’d ever see again. 

It was your friendship bracelet, also worn down, whithering over time, yet still intact. Despite a few chips, scratches, bumps, and a little piece of your initial charm missing, everything was there! He couldn’t believe that you still kept yours all this time. He never thought about you keeping yours, he assumed it was gone forever. But this was incredible for him.

Especially knowing that he too kept his.

It was kept in a box filled with childhood memorabilia inside his closet including the pictures of you and him through the years. Gifts, notes, letters, everything that he could bring to Seoul. During his training days, while everyone was asleep, he would read them late at night when he felt himself missing you.

Which was every day.

But after your friendship was over, Taehyung hid all those physical memories from everyone including himself. Though feeling so guilty and ashamed of his explosive younger self, he knew deep down he didn’t have the heart to throw away the box of you. Just the thought of it was a complete absurdity. He refused to erase anything of you.

Even now.

He had a sudden urge to open the box immediately once he gets home, without Clara of course. If she didn’t know shit about you, then she definitely won’t know about that box.

-

After washing up and getting ready for bed, the two of you were in pajamas. Taehyung sat on your bed, scrolling away on his phone. You went back to your closet, retrieving some thicker blankets. He heard ruffling before looking up to watch you retrieve one of the pillows on your mattress. You didn’t think much about giving up your bed for him, so you were getting ready to leave the bedroom before he stopped you.

“What are you doing?” He questioned, getting off of the bed to stand.

You stopped your track, giving him a confusing expression. “What?”

“Where are you going with that?” He worryingly nodded toward what you were carrying.

“Uhh, going to the living to make my bed?”

“Wha—___! Don’t do that.”

“Why not? I need to sleep somewhere.” You weren’t affected by this decision, but Taehyung begged to differ.

“Yeah, that’s why there’s your bed right here.” He said matter-of-a-factly.

“You’re the guest, Taehyung. You need to be comfortable.”

“I don’t feel comfortable with you sleeping outside of the bedroom.” He reasoned softly. “No offense, ___, but your living room looks lonely…”

You snorted, “I think you’ve mistaken lonely for poor.”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“I’m teasing, Taehyung.” You rolled your eyes as you reassured him but he continued to look stooped and pouty. You decided to leave him be to walk your way to the living room. But before you can do so, Taehyung jogged up to you and took the blankets out of your hands. “It’s fine, I got th—wait, you’re going the wrong way!”

Carrying the fabrics, he settled them down on the bed. You followed behind and tried to get them back but he lightly pushed your face away. You were taken aback as you glared at him, having the urge to kick his shin but you held back.

“Don’t sleep in the living room. Stay here, I’ll sleep out there.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. I’m gonna say no.” You ruthlessly shut him down.

“___!”

“No, Taehyung, you’re not sleeping out there. It’s rude for me to give you the floor, especially after your panic attack. I need you to feel cozy and secure.” You explained. “Do you still have trouble sleeping at night after an episode?”

“Y-yeah, but—”

“Exactly, so just take the bed. It’s already late, and I have class tomorrow. I don’t want to argue.”

Taehyung bit down on his lips, wanting to counter back. But he knew you were right. He always had trouble sleeping after his panic attacks. Even his doctor told him he needed to be as comfortable and relaxed as possible.

But the last time he felt that away after an episode was sleeping with Jimin, and the last other person to do that for him was you. And with you, it’s different.

“Fine, I’ll take the bed.” He ultimately gave in, which satisfied you. But then he said, “But if I need to be comfortable, then I don’t want you to stay in the living room. I’ll feel unsettled knowing you’re out there.”

You furrowed your eyebrows, “Why?”

“I just am! I feel bad too, you’re uncomfortable in your apartment.”

“I’m not, I actually sleep on the floor from time to time, intentionally and unintentionally because I pass out after studying.” You simply said, but you don’t seem to get his point.

“Don’t sleep in the living room then.” He pressed onto you.

“Then where am I going to sleep? The bathroom?”

“Here.”

“What do you mean here?” You further inquired, wary of what he meant.

“I mean here.” He pointed down, motioning to the room. “You can sleep on the bed with me too…” Your eyes bulged out of the sockets, making him realize what he said. “Come on, I didn’t mean it like that! Just sleep! Just sleep.”

“Taehyung…”

“You don’t need to sleep on the bed, it was just a suggestion. I swear! Want you to be comfortable too.” He defended himself. “If not, at least sleep here on the floor.”

“Do you think that I would be comfortable sleeping here? What if I’m not? Even after you said that.”

Taehyung’s mouth opened then closed, struggling to gather his words. He didn’t think about that, and now he felt like an asshole wanting what he said. “D-do you feel uncomfortable at what I said? I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention. Really, I—Good night then. Sorry again.”

“Don’t be sorry, Taehyung. I get what you mean, and I’m not uncomfortable.” You promised, lightly smiling. “I don’t mind but I didn’t want to suggest it.”

“How come?”

“Are you really going to ask me that?” You rolled your eyes, thinking he wasn’t being serious. But when he stared curiously at you, he didn’t understand what you meant.

Today was too long for you. However, though you were exhausted, your mind was wide awake, recapturing all that had happened in the past twenty-four hours. That also included what went through your head while you were away from him.

You didn’t want to have this conversation yet, but maybe this will make him understand how you feel and your boundaries. That way you’d feel a little lighter and not have to worry about it from now on. “Taehyung.”

“Hmm.”

You wanted to be direct, and as clear as possible. “Were you really trying to kiss me?” More forward than that. “Actually, scratch that. Why were you going to kiss me?”

Okay, he didn’t expect that to come out of your mouth, especially now. Yet he knew exactly what you were talking about. The question now was what was he going to say? How was he going to respond?

He thought long and hard as you anticipated his answer. “Uhh, I don’t know.”

You blinked, “you don’t know?”

“I…I don’t know, ___, or at least I don’t know how to put it into words.” He shook his head at himself, gathering his feelings. “I guess I was… at the moment? Look, ___, being with you always made me feel right. It reminded me of how we were. I’d hold you, kiss your forehead, temple, cheek, anywhere really.”

“So you were wanting to be like old times?” You wondered, still puzzled.

“Kinda? Well, now you know the shit I’m in, so hanging out with you felt like going back in time when nothing was like this. I felt so alive, and safe. Like I wasn’t V, but Kim Taehyung.”

That still didn’t answer your question, especially when you wanted to say that he was going for your lips than your cheek or head. It didn’t matter as much right now because he said something else that sparked your interest. “Our past was innocent and young, we didn’t know anything! That’s why it was like that and unfortunately, Taehyung, we’re older. Our younger selves would have never known what was happening with us and between us. We can’t sink into the sand of our memories. That’s how people aren’t able to move on.”

“I know, but all I want is to feel happy again and the only times I truly felt it was when I was younger.” He sounded like he was begging, but you didn’t know to who.

“How do you suppose to do that then? You can’t go back in time and relive your prepubescent self.”

He chuckled lowly, “I can’t go back, but I can make new memories. Hopefully, they’re happier and less traumatizing.” 

“I do want you to have that too. Don’t think about happy memories, focus on happy experiences in the present.”

“Maybe, especially when you’re back.” He shrugged.

“Don’t say stuff like that.” You sighed, not wanting to hear that.

“I know, but knowing how you were in my past when I was enjoying life, helps to hope for those “joyful” experiences.”

You mumbled incoherent sounds before grabbing the blankets to prepare your makeshift futon next to the bed. Slumber was slowly getting to you and you wanted to mentally cry at the time—close to three in the morning and you had to wake up at six to get ready for your 8 AM class, then work. Yup, the day was nearing. Should you skip it? No, that would be a waste on your loans.

As you mentally prepared yourself for the morning, Taehyung got into the covers and cuddled with the single pillow he had for the night. His head could sleep without it.

He watched you place the layers of blankets down on the floor. As he did so, he recapped what you both discussed earlier. Now it was his turn to ask some questions, but he forgot to do something first.

“I’m sorry, ___.”

You finished the last layer before you turned, spotting him laying on his side holding a pillow. He too had the face of defeat, but yet he continued when you kept your silence.

“I’m sorry that I tried to kiss you. It wasn’t my intention to, I don’t know what came over me. Nonetheless, it still happened and it got you angry.” He explained, cautiously and neatly. “I also want you to know how much I value you and our relationship. I never want to hurt you. Even get you angry, but that always happens.” You nodded calmly, taking it all in. “I still want your friendship. I’ll do what it takes. Please don’t give up on us like that. I’m stupid, but I’ve been like that and I’m trying.”

Taehyung waited fearfully for your response. You appeared composed and unaffected, but that was probably because you were so tired to feel any rigorous emotions right now. You just wanted to go to bed, but you knew you needed to say something.

You closed your eyes and exhaled before peeling them open, “Taehyung…if I say yes, there need to be boundaries.” You finally replied.

His face scrunched at your request. “Like what? We’ve never had something like that before.”

“Well, it’s now. Don’t think about the past right now.” You shook your head. “We’re older, so there should be respectful walls between us.”

Taehyung nodded slowly, understanding your needs. “I’ll be respectful. I’m sorry again for trying to do that.”

“As long as it never happens again, and besides you have Clara, remember?” You mentioned, putting a distasteful expression on him. “You don’t wanna ruin your relationship over someone like me. Don’t wanna follow that same route again.”

Your words piqued his interest, “Again? What do you mean again?”

Fuck, you slipped that out so casually, exposing yourself in front of him like that. “Huh, oh, nothing. I…yeah, nothing.”

“___, it doesn’t sound like nothing,” Taehyung said, maneuvering himself to get a good look at you. He rested his elbows on the mattress, cupping his cheeks. He observed your avoidance, eyes roaming everywhere else instead of him. “___, what happened?” He had to think again. “If you’re uncomfortable, you don’t need to tell me. I’m sorry if I’m overstepping.”

You sighed, shaking your head. You finally gazed at him, his stare so attentive towards you. “You’re not overstepping…it’s just…I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Try your best. Say it ugly if you have to.”

“When you tried to kiss me or something, I got triggered.” You tried to find the words, biting your lips as you thought about how to approach this. “I was…scarred in the past.”

Furrowing his eyebrows together, Taehyung questioned. “What do you mean? What happened? Were you okay?”

“It’s done and over, but it still makes me unsettled.” You explained. Taehyung waited patiently for you to continue. Though he stared in silence, his aura encouraged you to be vulnerable in front of him…like the old times when he made you feel safe and sound as you used to tell him everything.

Well, not everything.

“It was back in undergrad, but uhhh, when I was a freshman, I dated an upperclassman.” You exposed yourself. This was something you hated thinking and talking about, but it was also something that needed to be clear and said, especially to Taehyung.

You dated someone?? That surprised him. Not saying he never expected you to date, it just surprised him that you actually dated someone. He had so many questions—who was he? What did he look like? What was he like? Did he ever savor your glory? Did he ever laugh the way he did? Was he ever part of your story, one that Taehyung gave up on long ago? Did he fill in his part?

Then again, you said you were scarred, so that fueled some fire within him, getting irrationally upset about this unknown dude. 

But he stopped himself and asked, “Wait, you did?”

You nodded calmly as opposed to his shocked yet steady demeanor. “He was a TA for a class. I asked for help, and it happened. He was sweet, nice to me, and brought me flowers a couple of times. Guess you can say he was my first boyfriend, well, a lot of my firsts…”

Taehyung frowned, his mouth curling down deeply. There were visions in his head he wanted to push away. “So what happened?”

“What he didn’t tell me was that he had a girlfriend.”

“Wait, so he cheated on you?!”

“No, he cheated on her with me.” You said flatly, but your heart squeezed from the visceral memory. You breathed in and out carefully, hoping you weren’t going to cry over something stupid years ago. You shouldn’t cry over that man. “I was the other woman, yet I did not know of it for like almost an entire year. No one even told me, so who knows if others knew this whole time.” Your fists clenched as you pulled your legs to your chest. “Eventually, she and I found out but she put all the blame on me and spread a rumor around campus that I was a home wrecker. They broke up, but I guess my reputation got destroyed. Or even worsen? I didn’t have any true friends even before that. Civil roommates, but that was it. Everyone knew me as the home wrecker so…”

You were also tired of crying about that horrific past, yet it still haunted you. When it happened, it felt like everything was your fault. What was worse was that you had no support system anymore. Everything you did, through college and other hardships, you felt incredibly alone and lonely. Those years truly felt the lowest for you.

The tears escaped without your permission, but you didn’t bother wiping them away because if you did, you’d acknowledge you were crying. But Taehyung wasn’t going to lay there and do nothing, so he scooted off the bed and sat next to your makeshift futon. He pulled you into him as you sniffled and the streams continued down your cheeks, also staining his shirt. He rubbed your back and wiped the tears for you.

“Taehyung, I promise this isn’t meant to guilt you but I wished you were still there for me.” Your lips quivered, breaking both of your hearts at your sad confession. “Everyone hated me. It was so hard without my best friend.”

Yet Taehyung felt the guilt eating him alive. He left you alone, with no one by your side to protect you. He wished he could cry because seeing you in this state would leave him sobbing like a baby, but it seemed the tears and overwhelming events restrained him from doing so. He hated seeing his Blue sad.

“I’m so sorry again. I still feel like shit about what happened.” He said, holding you tighter in his arms.

“It’s whatever already.” You sniffed, letting it go as it was the least of your concerns at this point. You quietly apologized for ruining his sleepwear, but he didn’t care. “It did hurt, but I’m sure you had your reasons.”

He did have his reasons, but it wasn’t the time to say so he nodded. “That’s horrible though, what you experienced. I’m sorry you had to go through with that.”

“I was a stupid teenager who didn’t know any better,” You reasoned. “I think I was too focused on the fact that someone actually liked and wanted to be with me. It was like a miracle.” You lightly joked at the end, but Taehyung took it seriously.

“Why’d you say that?”

“Taehyung, I wasn’t necessarily a catch, even back in Geochang.” You told him. “I mean my first kiss was even made into a joke. In general, I never had someone who truly loved me in that sense.” He stayed silent as he looked at your reddened face. You didn’t bother to notice his expression directed at you, as you went on. “When I was with him, it felt exciting at first. Only now I realized how much I kept saying yes to him because I thought he loved me and I didn’t want to make him upset.”

“Why?”

Your teary eyes met his hardened ones before you simply answered, “If I made him upset, then he’d leave me.”

The air grew slightly thick from your response. It was unintentional, yet intentional. You’ve said so much, yet so little. Taehyung realized now that there was much more you haven’t spoken about the in-between gap. While he spoke up, you chose to stay silent. Yet everything that has happened without him, like this experience, made a clear effect on you, and somehow also bit him in the ass.

He wanted to stir the conversation slightly, otherwise, the night will become light in no time. “You were still in Geochang, right?” You nodded tiredly. “Who was this fucking son of a bitch? Do you remember his name?”

“Kim Minjae.”

“Wait, I know that fucker. We were on the same soccer team. I’m gonna find him and bea—”

His response made you chuckle softly, patting his head in delight. Your smile eased his temper, despite biting his tongue. “Taehyung, it’s okay. You don’t need to do that because he got a teacher pregnant and is now working as a fisherman to pay his child support. I think he knows what he’s done.” The universe was on your side this time. You also remembered being flabbergasted but lowkey satisfied when that drama spread from the college to the entire town of Geochang. It was not pretty at all, but it got your name out of everyone’s mouth.

“Still, you were all alone and you went through that unnecessary shit.”

“Yes, but I overcame it. Well, not really. You just saw me cry over something that happened when I was 18. But my skin and heart are tougher, harder to break through.”

“Nah, I could poke you and know that you’re the biggest softie I know.” He cooed, causing you to roll your eyes but grin lightly. 

“Anyways, I’m saying this because though we were friends again, we shouldn’t be so affectionate with each other.” You revealed. Though his touch comforted you, you pulled and moved away from him, giving some space in between.

But Taehyung appeared insulted and hurt. “Why? That’s how we always were.”

“Yes, but I’m sure no one else would understand.” You countered, scratching your neck. “Your members, friends, Clara, might get the wrong idea, and…I don’t wanna end up in that position again. Even though nothing’s happening between us and I’m sure your actions mean well, but for my sake. I-I’m scared.”

Was it asking for a lot? Maybe. But you needed to get it out of you. This may be a sudden realization as to why you weren’t as sure about bringing Taehyung back into your life. You’ve seen those articles and comments media and some fans put out for the world to see. People misinterpreted things all the time, or worse, warped them as bait to cause drama.

Though Taehyung understood what you meant, that didn’t mean he liked hearing it. He always took pride in your bond with him, something that no one ever quite understood and instead led to various assumptions. Yet most of the time didn’t bother to care and went along with your day.

Boundaries were never discussed, but that was only because they never existed between the two of you! Although if the memories weren’t mistaken, oftentimes, there were restrictions. 

But this was slightly new territory for you and Taehyung. A rather comfortably uncomfortable situation. Nevertheless, it needed to happen to make this work for your strained relationship.

Taehyung sighed before nodding in agreement, “Okay, for you. But can I at least hug you?”

“Sure.” You shrugged. “Friends hug.”

“How about sleeping on the bed?”

“Taehyung, that’s pushing it.” You said sternly, suppressing the light grin on your face. Taehyung always did reason with you.

“Hey, I slept on the bed with my members and friends!” He argued back. “We even cuddled with each other.”

“Taehyung, I’m serious.” You groaned, raising your voice.

Taehyung laughed a hefty one out loud, almost sounding forced which frightened your irritable and tired state. You stared with eyes wide bewildering.  “I’m sorry, but I’m getting tired of you calling me Taehyung.” He brought this up once again.

You raised an eyebrow and said, “It’s your name!” Seriously, why was he taking this so seriously? It was getting quite bothersome.

“But you call me Hyungie.” Taehyung sounded as if he was correcting you condescendingly. You were about to throw tired hands, but he continued. “And you’re my Blue. Look I know I keep bringing this up and you’re probably annoyed, but it shows the importance to me. You’re important to me! More than you know, and not doing it creates distance from us, which makes it so weird. I’ll try but I’m not used to it. I know you don’t trust me either, hell, I don’t trust me either but please have faith in me. Compromise with me!”

“Taehyung, we talked about this. I-I’m not ready for that, please understand. Little by little.” You wanted this to be over, at least for the night. It was late and you needed to get up early. “I’m trying, okay? I want to trust you, but again, there needs to be boundaries. I’m not doing this as a punishment.”

“But—”

“If it must happen, fucking just call me Blue. But I won’t call it back. No, absolutely not. I can’t.” You stood your stance, shaking your head. It was too much for you. “That’s my compromise and that’s final.”

The draining stare you offered him with no budge had him fear you slightly. You were always a scary one especially when you get upset with him. It was rare, well before, but it triggered him to stop his whining and give in to what you voiced out. It had to do for now…

“Okay, that’s fine…” He sighed as he dramatically turned his head to the side to stare at your dresser, pouting like a child. He wasn’t completely satisfied, but this was what he could get. Yet the faint grin plastered on lets him side-eye you in glee. “…Blue.”

You rolled your eyes once more before pushing him off your futon. He laughed as he crawled back into bed. “Okay, that’s settled so let’s go to sleep. I’m tired, I have to wake up early.”

“Are you sure about sleeping on the floor? The other side of the bed sure feels—”

“Taehyung, for the last time and I’m not fucking repeating myself, I’ll be fine sleeping down here. Take all the bed space or don’t, I don’t give a rat’s ass right now.” You snapped back, throwing whatever he had to “convince” you out the window. “Good night, okay? If you still have trouble sleeping, you can have my pillow too.” You grabbed your cushion and handed it to him.

“No, thank you. I need you to be comfy too.” Taehyung quickly denied it before getting into his sheets and hugging his pillow. “This is more than enough. Thank you for everything again. Thank you for opening up to me too.”

“You’re welcome.” You yawned widely as you scratched your head. “No problem with that…It was nice letting it out. Haven’t talked about that in a while. Hope tonight wasn’t that intense for you.”

“I’ve had worse nights.” He said lightly. “But man, Blue, no offense you probably have bad taste men.” He joked; the playful gleam sparked through his reddened eyes as he finally laid his back on the mattress.

“Don’t even talk about that.” You groaned, knowing he was probably right. You too laid down and were about to go to bed. “Don’t make fun of me right now, I’m sensitive.”

“Okay, I won’t. I promise.” He grinned, yet you stuck your tongue out to him. “Again, I’m sorry you had a bad first love.”

Now it was your turn to laugh forcibly to which Taehyung grew confused. “Luckily for me, he wasn’t my first love, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t be caught dead with that assumption.” You scoffed as you closed your eyes. Sleep came sooner than imagined that you didn’t realize what you said, too drowsy to notice.

Suddenly Taehyung was energized again, curious about your statement. “Really? But you said you had so many firsts with him.”

“Dates, relationship, sex, heartbreak,” You mumbled languidly, listing while pondering the thought. “First love wasn’t on the list.”

“Then you had a first love?” He questioned.

You only let a groggy noise, but it confirmed his inquiry.

“T-then who was your first love?” For an odd reason, Taehyung felt nervous asking this. Despite being best friends, the two of you never discussed each other’s love lives. Well, there wasn’t any on both sides, to begin with. He knew about your first kiss before and first boyfriend just now, but never knew anything about this. Maybe it was someone within the ten years apart? But you would have mentioned it, right?

Judging by the timeline of this boyfriend, it was when you first entered college so you were still young and most likely eighteen. That could mean your first love was way before then. If he analyzed his thoughts deeply and if the timeline was correct, you might have loved someone when he was still around.

Then the question now was who?

But no answer came from the other end.

When he turned his head, he found you knocked out spreading arms with long strands all over your face. He figured how tired you were, having done physical, emotional, and mental labor through the whole day so he lets it be.

His hand reached out to push back your hair away from your face, revealing your soft and relaxed expression. Your nose scrunched at the touch, but back to its resting state. He watched your chest rise slowly, lips slightly apart with the low sounds of your snoring escaping your mouth. Yeah, you were definitely gone.

He grinned to himself before saying, “Good night, Blue.” His back ultimately pressed down to the fabric as closed his eyes. Once shut, he realized how badly he too needed to rest.

Despite that, the question remained in his head and led to his dreams.

-

Though rushing this morning, you carefully placed the delicious breakfast plate on the kitchen counter. You woke up a little earlier than usual so you could rush down to the nearest convenience store to get some breakfast for yourself and the sleeping Taehyung.

Well, more so for him. A protein shake and breakfast bar usually sufficed for you. After an intensive night, you assumed he needed some sort of joy in the morning, and what better way than to cook him chocolate chip waffles and cut strawberries on the side?

You never cooked this much even for yourself, but you weren’t complaining. You thought of this as a warming gesture and an apology for leaving him alone in your apartment. Which by the way, you were about to miss your bus ride if you didn’t leave within the next ten minutes.

You placed a metal food net over the dish, then wrote a little note for him and placed it under the cover. You went back to your bedroom to retrieve your backpack and textbook but also noticed Taehyung sprawled out like a starfish on your bed. He held a pillow to his side while the other one was under his head and was placed by you when you woke up. You also added another layered blanket for him. You spotted his signature pout resting on him with his curled strands falling on his forehead.

The sight of his slumber had you smile pleasantly, relieved that he slept soundly and comfortably the night through. Granted, a little over four hours have passed since the two of you snoozed away but you still considered it a win.

He’ll manage around your living spaces without you and would most likely leave an hour or two after. You didn’t have much to entertain him here. You also won’t come back until late in the nighttime after your shift anyway, so who knows when will be the next time you’ll see each other?

But you hoped that it wouldn’t be as long as before.

-

Taehyung woke up in an empty apartment. Your makeshift futon had been folded and tucked in the corner near the closet. This morning was rather cold. He noticed one of the blankets you used on top of him and your pillow under his head. You did all of that without even waking him; though he was too deep in sleep to even hear you.

Once he brushed his teeth and splashed his face with some cold water, he walked towards the kitchen. Sunlight peaked through your window and reflected over the whiteness of your walls and somewhat empty apartment.

As he scoured around, he finally spotted a metal cover on the kitchen counter. He went over to pull it up, revealing the waffles with melted whipped cream and strawberries. Immediately, his mouth watered at the sight. He didn’t know how long it had been out, but he didn’t care any less. It was close to noon and he needed something to eat.

He then saw a note next to the plate. Picking it up, he read—“Sorry for leaving you here alone! I didn’t want to wake you. I have early classes and then I’m going to work. I won’t see you today (unless you stop by at the shop). Please enjoy your breakfast and I’ll see you soon! :) P.S. Feel better too <3<3!”

A smile crept up on his face, chest warming up at your kind gesture. He appreciated that in you. You probably had a busy morning, which surprised him that you had the time to make this.

Nonetheless, he devoured his breakfast, a little cold and mushy but the taste surpassed expectations. While he savored the last of the sliced fruit, he noticed all these unread messages, missed calls, and voicemails from Clara. He grimaced deeply. All her messages were repeated lines of “Where tf are you?” “Why aren’t you picking up?” “Who are you with? Seojoon oppa??” “I called Seojoon oppa and he says you’re not with him. Tae, where are you?!?!? And who??” “You shouldn’t have gone without me knowing!” and “Tae, I swear to God if you don’t pick up, I’m calling the police.” The last one typically held no threat because he knew she threw that in a bunch of that through the years. 

He didn’t even bother going through voicemails because they’ll be repetitive and hearing her whining voice was not something he wanted to hear. Everything was so peaceful and relaxed for him up until now. Ugh, he was frustrated, his mood ruined by her constant bickering and overpowering control.

Right there, he decided to ignore it all. Knowing her, she was either working or probably at their shared house waiting viciously for him to come back home. Thus the idol decided to not go home and headed over to Seojoon’s.

The younger man knew his older friend had a day off—his Wooga Squad had a shared calendar to know their schedules. What better way to spend his day than to bother Seojoon.

-

“Bro, where the fuck were you last night?” Seojoon questioned as he plotted on his couch with Taehyung spread comfortably on the side of him, both had strawberry and banana smoothies on hand provided by the idol. “Clara called me like five times in panic wondering where you were.”

Taehyung sipped on his drink quietly and casually before rolling his eyes. “It seems she always runs to you when she needs help trying to find me.”

Seojoon kept a glare at his friend, shaking his head. “Duh, because you fucking disappear like Houdini.” He gulped his smoothie before proceeding. “Also I guess she’s more comfortable with me than the others.” He referred to Wooshik, Hyungsik, Sunghwan, and Joohyuk.

The idol eyed his friend, hardening his bothered stare. “Right…she’s not as close with them, I guess.”

“So are you gonna tell me where you went?” The actor settled his drink on the coaster on his coffee table. “How about this? Did anyone else know where you were?”

Taehyung bit his lip, contemplating if he should tell him. His panic attacks weren’t a secret. He was open enough to tell his friends about his experience episodes but none of them ever were there to see it happening. But the idol might as well tell it, right?  

“Yeah, I was with ___ last night.”

Seojoon cocked an eyebrow as a wave of questions flooded his brain. But he only asked, “What happened?” He didn’t want to say beyond what he thought.

“Well, we made up.” Taehyung leaned forward, hunched over as he looked at his smoothie. “Uhh, there was more to it.”

“How so?”

“Last night, I got, uh, hammered.” The idol began. “To the point where I got into a fight.”

“Oh my God, Taehyung! Are you okay?” Concern washed Seojoon’s face as he scanned through his friend’s features, then he saw the bruising of his knuckles. “You don’t look too bad, but still. You broke your streak, you were doing so well. How did it happen?”

“Same thing on how most of my fights happen,” Taehyung huffed.

“What led you to that then?”

“I don’t know…I was really sad and hurt, and I hated what was happening with me and ___.”

“But you said you made up.”

“Yeah, after she found me knocking three dudes down, then I threw up and had a fucking panic attack.” The younger man sighed, using his free hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. “It was the worse one yet.”

“Oh, Tae.” Seojoon’s voice softened. “Did you manage?”

“More than manage because she was able to help me get back down.” The idol also settled his drink down before meeting his friend’s eyes. “I was still scared, so I didn’t wanna go back home and asked her if I could stay the night.”

Seojoon nodded softly, going into deep thought. “Anything else?”

“I told ___ about my shitty life, literally everything.” Well, almost everything. “If I wanted her to still be in my life, I didn’t want to hide that part, or whole, of me. ”

“How’d she take it?”

“Pretty well, I guess. She opened up to me too.”

“Well, that’s good…” The actor did his best by being supportive, but he was also a worried friend. “Did you tell Clara this? She’s probably worried sick.”

“No,” He scoffed. “Pissed me off with all her calls and text.”

“Taehyung, you know she’s concerned for you. Even if she’s gonna be more in distress when you tell her about your panic attack, she’ll understand.” Seojoon reasoned.

“No, she won’t.” Taehyung disagreed. “Because all she’ll ask was where I was, and if I tell her I was with ___, she’s gonna flip shit. She can’t even handle my panic attacks, so in my head, it’s like what’s the point?”

“Why are you making this difficult?” The older man complained yet it was said in a collected way that Taehyung never deflected on yet.

“Because she’s difficult and will never understand my perspective.” 

“Aren’t couples supposed to have good communication? What’s wrong?”

His relationship never had the greatest communication, he couldn’t lie about that. But for the past year, it has gotten worse despite the somewhat progress Taehyung achieved. Her presence was getting too much for him. It overwhelmed all aspects of his being. He never felt like he had a rest from it. Something always happened and either side, mainly him, got drained.

He needed to get away.

Suddenly Taehyung had an idea, disregarding Seojoon’s question. “Hyung, can I ask you a favor or two?”

-

“So you never bothered to answer my calls, had me anxious, then you fucking come home after disappearing for almost an entire day with no clear explanation, and now you’re telling me this?”

Taehyung’s jaw clenched, pushing down what he wanted to yell as he continued to pack his luggage. “Fine, you want an explanation—I had a panic attack and I didn’t want to be home, so I rested at Seojoon’s house.”

Clara’s anger diminished went she heard those words. She started looking at him pitifully, which Taehyung never wanted from her. “Oh, Ta—”

“Save it.” He interrupted as he finished packing his clothes. “While being away, I realized that I need space.”

“W-what do you mean?”

He breathed out annoyed as he threw back his head to calm himself. “When I have panic attacks, you don’t know how to deal with them or even help me properly. You just fucking leave while I’m over there alone.”

“W-w-well, I want to but you told me to just leave you alone!” Clara tried to defend herself.

“Because saying the words ‘calm down’ and ‘relax’ to a distressed and anxious person is not helpful. Better to be alone than to hear that crap.” Taehyung responded as he left the bedroom to grab his beauty products from the bathroom, but not without Clara following his tail. “Besides the point, I realized something or I’ve been realizing.”

“What?”

“I know I’m not the best communicator, but I’m getting sick and tired of you breathing down my neck. If I don’t even talk to you for like an hour, I get hit with two hundred calls from you. You were never one to be needy. Why now?” His voice was stable and direct like he had practiced. He grabbed his items, then went back to the room.

“That’s a bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?” Clara scoffed as she walked behind him.

“Well, it feels like it.” He muttered as he put his products into pouches. “I can’t do anything without you watching my every move. I feel like I can’t be me right now, especially in my home.”

“So what then? Is that all that you’re going to say?”

“No, like I said I need space, which is why I need time away from you.” Once he had everything, he zipped up his luggage and pulled it to stand up. “I’m going to stay with Seojoon Hyung for a while. I need this.”

He then remembered something. He rushed to his closet and rummaged through his clothes and shoes before discovering his box filled with old memories. He quickly uncovered the lid and searched through many memorabilia including the pictures of the members and you. Finally, he found what he was looking for—his friendship bracelet.

Old, scruffed, but surprisingly, in pretty good condition where Taehyung puts in on and admired the handmade accessory for a while before he took a couple of childhood pictures of you and him for the road. He sneaked them in his pants pocket, then went back to his baggage.

Meanwhile, Clara was too busy with her feelings and thoughts to even question what Taehyung was doing. “Are you breaking up with me?” She asked in a whisper. “Please don’t. We can make this work. We—”

“No, I didn’t say that. I said I needed space. I wanna be by myself.”

“But you’re with Seojoon Oppa.”

“He has his own things to do, so I won’t even know he’s there,” Taehyung responded as they headed towards the hallway into the living room to get to the front door. “Remember a couple of sessions ago when my therapist told me to try and be alone since I get overwhelmed by the slightest of things?” She nodded. “Well, I want that right now. This is all too much for me. I’m not at my limit, but it’s getting there.”

Clara pursed her mouth. They both knew she didn’t like this one bit. She finally had Taehyung around, enjoying his presence and it was being taken away from her by the same man. But if this needed to happen to make this work, then so be it.

“If that’s what you need, then I’ll give it to you.” The socialite willingly accepted. Of course, either way, Taehyung was still going to do it. “But at least call me while you’re away.”

“Clara…” They reached the front door, now facing each other. One looked desperate while another looked depleted.

“Or at least text me! A simple good morning and a good night is fine too!” She pouted, still wanting a smidge of contact with her boyfriend.

Taehyung exhaled. Now he was taking pity on her, but in this case, she liked it. “Okay, fine. Good morning and good night. No more, no less. I’ll be okay and safe. If anything, call Seojoon if you need more updates.” He patted her head gently, staring blankly.

“I’ll miss you.”

“…Miss you too.”

“I love you, okay?” She tippy-toed to kiss him on the lips before hugging him tightly.

Taehyung reluctantly reciprocated it back, embracing his girlfriend for the last time in a while, “Okay, love you too.”

Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @stfxthv @dahliasbouqet @bertqut1 @fuckthinking @taebangtanbabe @tan-veee @calmoistorm @militaryvvife @ellesalazar

[hanarchy]

I'm a Chan girlie (derogatory) and I do agree tbh. He seems like a genuinely good guy but I feel like he's got issues and needs therapy tbh with you. But then again, I have a hard time blaming him for that, boy was pushed from a young age by his weird ass parents to be famous, was flown out to a foreign country on his own at like 12 or 13 and immediately put in the worst position a young teen who just likes music could be in. I really like the guy, but a lot of his fans act like he's a lot more than what it is: a musically talented good looking dude who just happened to become famous.

mhm yeah i think like. he’s an interesting case study in terms of kpop and fame in general. i have a feeling this reply is gonna get ridiculously long so i’m sorry in advance.

edit: ok i split it up into parts:

1. teenager and industry in general

2. early career and skz as a group

3. recent position in the company and fans

edit 2: i also put it under a read more. listen i know u never asked me to psychoanalyze bang christopher chan on this beautiful august evening but i, like literally everyone else in this fandom, just cannot resist it 💀

bro i gotta be honest with u idk why i typed all this out and theres certainly no real point but its done now

1. teenager and kpop industry in general

like i think chan is the perfect idol less in how talented he is (please do not misconstrue this as me saying he is not talented that is not what i said) but much much more in this ‘narc energy’ i tried to describe earlier. it is very obvious that companies don’t just look for star quality but also for obedience and what they like to call ‘good nature’ as well as for resilience and the willingness to basically destroy yourself for your career.

and chan certainly has that. like i think about how he speaks about his dad and how deeply uncomfortable it makes me to hear him talk because it reminds me of soso many of my childhood friends who thought they needed to live up to some ideal their parents either picked for them or represented. now most people kind of start developing away from that in their teenage years and form an identity of their own but what kpop companies do really effectively is to intervene in that process and give these teens a new ideal to neatly replace the old one.

on the one hand that’s kind of convenient because it means you have to do much less emotional work, if your parents are supportive of this dream it makes for an easy transition for them, too because you don’t have to fight them for more freedom all the time and honestly apart from the dieting it is a relatively safe way to assert independence. like teenagers are also impulsive and kinda bad at making decisions so i saw a lot of my friends go down a much more self-destructive road than becoming a trainee.

on the other hand though you do have to grow up sometime and if you really take the idol life and that dream seriously that kinda means selling your body and soul to a deeply corrupt capitalist machine and a faceless public that each have the power to make or break you. like you promise so much of your energy, future earnings and also just so much of your time on earth to this career before you’ve ever even had a normal job.

like by all accounts chan was way too young to understand what any of this entailed when he decided to do it (frankly i think its hard to understand even as an adult like i certainly have no fucking idea what it must feel like to have thousands of people on the internet ask you to show them your bedroom)

and like whats especially twisted (i think its mostly post bts but i think as a prototype shinee are a good example as well and i think tbh kpop also learned from the success of one direction and how intensely parasocial that was thanks to a casting show) is that companies figured out that fans form a close emotional bond with idols who are perceived to have struggled and suffered. like it’s a good story for the underdog to make it big, for the guys with a creative vision to do their own thing to make it in a highly regulated industry.

it’s kind of obvious with how many groups get documentaries where they cry and struggle and how few of them get actual psychological help that companies have an incentive to make them suffer (justice for my sweet sakura she needs rest and support and PRIVACY).

now i’m not saying anyone is being tortured or anything and i’m not one of those ‘kpop is trafficking’ truthers like i think its much more mundane in how they use the natural stressors of the job, cultural expectations and the idols’ own perfectionism or traits and just point a camera at them.

for chan its the being the eldest child responsibility, the real need to please his father figures and his perfectionist nature. plus i do think foreign idols (even from korean families) often feel they need to prove that they can be a part of korean society, that they are as respectful and well behaved and understand the norms and customs.

and jyp(e) (both the man and the company) was kind of able to twist their role in his life to be both his torturer and his savior in how they played the stray kids survival show and his trainee career. showering him in praise and at the same time never debuting him, letting him pick his members and then basically publicly tearing all his choices apart over 9 episodes. etc etc

like he was always gonna come out of that mix either really loving the company and authority figures in his life or deeply resenting all of it and i think his ambition and pride (which can keep u from admitting u made a wrong decision) kept him from the latter option.

2. early career and skz as a group

i think early adulthood is kind of the time where you get to test your new identity you created as a teen against the reality of living in the world. are your talents enough? is your self-image correct? do you have the strength and resilience to be who you want to be? did you know how to pick the right people to support you and be friends with?

and i think like this is where chan felt like his choice of sticking with the company was correct because they gave him comebacks, money, creative support, creative freedom, they didnt doubt the group when woojin left and gave chan so many things to make the music he wants to make and also they had the patience to wait out the first win, the first hit, the parasocial fanbase and so on.

so like that probably solidified his impression that he made the right choice and again all the stress and the pressure coupled with that support made this kind of abusive bond between the company and chan even stronger.

and now you have him caring for the whole group, which is both exploiting and playing into his strength which is his sense of responsibility. and i think again he probably felt like a gift was being given to him in the form of a debut and 7 guys who he could care for and who also cared for him enough to take on some of that responsibility.

he’s testing his self perception of being talented, reliable, strong against the reality of being an idol and he feels like he made the right choices, like the identity he picked for himself as a teen is viable and so his love for the company is reinforced and is strengthened by his love for the members.

plus you get this fan layer which is another highly complex relationship to process. its kind of unconditional adoration except its HIGHLY conditional and you dont know what those conditions are. i think his reaction to that random cornrow thing and how he generally seems indignant and mad about being told what to do by fans is soooooo interesting bc like. this is the king of fanservice to a frankly ABSURD degree like no other idol is that bad, again i’m sorry to the chan girls but that bbl vibe is so…. 😬

so it gains another layer and maybe a realer support system and more true friendships that arent transactional. but at the same time he gains this faceless crowd making decisions for him. like thats a tangled psychological web and its obvious why he would be so loyal to the company and the established status quo since they never wavered in their support for him even when he was stupid and more importantly EVEN when he wasnt making them money.

3. recent position in the company and fans

now like. ive been talking about him kind of as if he doesnt know that his relationship with the company is transactional but i think he has always been aware of it but that he was just ok with what he got out of it. because i think he also has a veryyyyy healthy self confidence and his ambition is BIG like.

i always say that the only thing abt skz’s personalities that i am actually certain of is their ambition. they want to be the biggest group in the company, in the industry, they want to be the biggest group in the world. I think chan has wanted that for a long time. and i think he understands why the company built the narratives they did.

like i actually kind of disagree with you a little bc i think he very very deliberately got famous and he also deliberately did it in this company. because as hard to navigate as this whole web is emotionally, for a man in a kpop company (and yes, gender is EXTREMELY important in this context) theres also a fixed set of rules and steps to influence and power (there are some exceptions like got7 but even they were eventually able to leave with their group name and trademarks which is entirely unheard of for girl groups). he followed the steps laid out by jype and he has what he wanted now. and i think bang chan today has a lot of agency, he has a lot of power over the group but also in the company so in many ways he did actually make the right decisions when he was very young and i think this position in the company is good for his pride as well.

now you mentioned his fans and how weird some of them are about him and i think tbh it’s somewhat normal and expected that they are this weird abt him given the entire strange and complex relationship i just explained. like he himself does not know how to handle his fans in a way thats healthy for him. i think channies room was the biggest proof of that and the way his confidence seems to have skyrocketed since that ended is kind of interesting to me.

like ok heres my last mean statement about him: he does not care about his fans more than any other idol. he does not mean to ‘protect’ all of us. he is appreciative and grateful. and i think something unique about him and skz is that there seem to be very many kpop (male) groups who dont like being known for kpop or as idols. they want credit as artists and singers and musicians in other genres. i think hes unique in that he has real respect for idol music and idol work and the kind of fans that come along with it (young women).

i also think he means it when he says skz aims to be a safe place for their fans and a fun place but i think he had to find out what that means for himself. he genuinely seems to want good things for people but he used to pretend he had a personal relationship with every single fan and that’s bound to lead to a fucked reaction from fans. like him pretending to be your boyfriend on bbl or him yelling at that seoul concert or the strangely intimate nature of chans room all kind were his own doing and i do think its a bit of his own fault that fans are this weird abt him.

and i think he probably thought he had to do all that because of how much responsibility he took on in the company and EVERYTHING i mentioned above so like. his own perception is also fucked. but i think realizing that he is allowed boundaries and that he can have a relationship with fans on his own terms has been very good for him. theres a real sense of separation these days, he seems to volunteer information or photos/content rather than having it forced out of him.

unfortunately the damage is done and chan stans are already… like that. like i have NEVER met a chan bias who doesnt on some level believe they know him better than everyone else, even the most level headed ones. hell i kinda think i understand him better than everyone else (look at this stupidly long post). and the recent distance that is perceived as new and unusual from him has left a lot of fans feeling rejected. and because they put him up on such a high pedestal and believe all of his declarations of love they cant stand the idea that it was his doing/decision and look for some other thing to blame (the company, other fans, the members… the list goes on)

[marengogo]

The Thing Is - 4: Guilty Because Wanted Guilty.

Listening to the playlist WHO IS A HAEGUM.

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

⚠️TW - Imma be unnecessarily honest. I’ll curse A LOT. I’ll mention human depraved actions while still censuring them, but yeah. I need to put my heart in peace, so I can advance in this “war” feeling less angry/frustrated/aggraved and hopefully a bit more savvy. ⚠️

My dear Gurls, Bois and Enbys,

Hope you are handling life with better wits about yourself than I am. I’ve tried to look at all sides in this "SK-Media Sich" we are in, I’ve been crying, ranting and yelling during Mercury Retrograde and I’ve been silently nodding my way through the past couple of days, but surprise-surprise, I’m done with alla dat, so I’m here to bitch and let bygones be bygones. I just gotta do it loudly if not my brain will not register, cause you know I’m getting old an all.. And by bygones I mean, the hope that SK Media will, somehow, see the light and rectify their ways.

SK-MEDIA 👏🏾 DOESN’T 👏🏾 LIKE 👏🏾BTS.

The quicker we get that engraved in our skulls the easier EVERYTHING will get.

They absolutely never had, they presently definitely don’t, and most likely never will. Media is a profession, and like every profession they need money, to make a living you know, like I do, and you do. However, there are certain jobs which have a moral code that should be higher than others. Such as doctors, lawyers, law enforcement officers, to name a few, as they are directly involved with the safety of citizens/civilians. Media, in the big year of 2024, should also be considered directly involved with the safety of citizens/civilians. 

Media is supposed to be the eyes and ears of the citizens, so that, among the many things, we can be properly informed, in order to make the rightful judgement and/or be warned of dangerous situations we might encounter, so that we can be properly prepared. All the while, presenting themselves with integrity, by always upholding good ethics and abiding by a wish of reporting truthful news. Well, my people, SK MEDIA HAS MANAGED TO DO NOT A SINGLE THING OF THE AFOREMENTIONED.

NOT ONE.

To begin with: They are fucking bullies. 

Honestly you need to look no further, no k-drama, no old-school urban legend, just figure out who they hate and you’ll have A-Team Bully Squad What?! You thought all those years of bullying, or being bullied, at school would have gone wasted once you graduated from the education system? Child … . Once they’ve found their target, complete annihilation is the goal. Did you drink a few? Caused no physical harm to anybody, damaged no property, but fell at the entrance of your property, mainly because of a sharp turn, took full accountability, and immediately apologised? 

AYTE, BET.

Fuck all the women in my country that have been finding it excruciatingly hard to live in their own country. Fuck the young girls who are being contantly s3xuall1 h4rassed. Fuck the upcoming generation suffering from so much collective generational trauma that they may not even make it past elementary school age alive. Fuck the fact that my own country is, for the most part, raising entitled male brats, who don’t fundamentally understand the value of life. Fuck the fact that when S-M Entertainment was created, they unfortunately ended up also creating the foulest and most flawed system for success, aka the Idol Sytem. FUCK ALLA DAT. You don’t go through SK Media to guarantee your success? You don’t pay us to keep your darkest secrets? You offended us in some kinda way? You are not part of the Elite? … You are a woman? … We will end you, bro! Illegally or illegally, cause, who’s gonna stop us?

… And you wonder why K-ARMY has been acting like they have? 

And I am not talking about the ones who became anti, FUCK THEM TOO, they are the type of people, who would kick out their own children if they were caught doing the same thing, instead of figuring out causes, teaching accountability and figuring out punishments and future prevention. I’m talking about the K-ARMY who presently are so paralysed by fear that they are scared of even breathing in the fear that perhaps their government/police/media will create some inexistent crime and pin it on 🐱cause we all know how fact checking is paramount and still alive nowadays … 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡. Even as we speak, K-ARMY fear that Samsung might decide to drop 🐱, which hey, it’s your country, do what you gotta do, I can almost guarantee you that Apple is probably literally outside the door waiting for their opportunity, cause here in the West we have our 99 big issues, but an inebriated kickboard, ain’t 1. 

They are living this Black Mirroresque kinda reality everyday. You know who else is? 🐱. He is also very aware of how things work in his country UGH! does after all have a reason for existing, can’t stress this enough … and though he definitely would have the right to contest unnecessary mistreatment, he knows he will definitely “die” before he even “attempts to get to the top of that hill”, which is why after he’s done all he needed to do, he’s handeed himself to the A-Team Bully Squad for their Exclusive + Deluxe Treatment reserved to the likes of 875. 

Y’all want an extreme example? Here we go:

Picture Germany, 1943 yes I’m going there , their Media at the time was completely controlled by their government, hence allowing them to report lie after lie after blasted lie to their citizens, in addition, from the testimony of many a citizen citizens swore up and down to not know what was going on the concentration camps, just “people would go in, and never come back out …”. So it was that many German Jews because lets not forget that they were all German, just not “aryan” , decided to either find ways to fight which will almost certainly ended in them being k1lled, or just directly un4live themselves rather than being subjugated to that hell, the majority as we all know, had no other choice but to comply. 

Yet we do have the likes of Schindler, who managed to save hundreds of German Jews. How did he do that? He most certainly did not try to go against the Media or the government in power, I can guarantee you that. He found other trusted non-Jew Germans, who had contacts with Allies, who had other contacts and so on and so forth. But it was all covert. After all the Allies existed, they were fighting the war, they all knew what was going on in Germany and eventually they found their way to get in and help put an end to it all. 

In this horrendous scenario, I-Army are the Allies and K-Army is Schindler, but unfortunately, I have no idea how we can help them, because it has to come from them to us, not the other way round, as we know nothing about how to deal with things over there, BUT, if they need help they all know where to find us and how to get the help they need without attracting unwanted gazes, I’m sure of that. So we must let them be and we will be here for them if/when they need. 

While the rest of the world slowly keeps finding out about the SK Media Clown Show, we’ll keep doing our “storming”. We won’t be silent, we’ll keep reporting injustice, we’ll keep fact-checking and make sure that people also do the same, we’ll keep reporting fake/anti accounts, we’ll keep sending fan letters even if it is just 3 per month now we’ll keep buying merch, we’ll keep streaming songs, we’ll keep doing projects in their name, etc etc etc. 

I will never surrender.

Because they are worth fighting for.

Good. I've let it all out. Now it's time to go report some k-anti accounts!

Always respectfully yours 🫰🏾💜,

Marengo.

FUTURE IS GONNA BE OKAY, LET'S HANG IN THERE Y'ALL!

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Hi BPP

that fandom implosion you talked about previously, will happen sooner rather than later. JK is getting full on radio from day 1 apparently. On one hand wow, great, on the other, Like crazy could have and SHOULD have been the song of the summer.

There are so many moving parts beind the scenes, which we do not see that decide the kind of promo a song will get...Not negligible being the producer who is working with JK is a big deal in the industry,

anyway I would be very interested to read your take on this.

a radio DJ confirming the news https://twitter.com/JJRyanOnAir/status/1677384733989433344?s=20

***

Hi @atlantis315

Your link.

I’ve replied to your question here. Also copy-pasted the main gist of my views here:

“I think BangPD still fully values each and every member of BTS, and I don't think any member is being mistreated, abused, or grossly mismanaged. But BangPD is not their father, and his motivation to produce profit is more agnostic/cynical than a lot of ARMYs want to admit. But at the same time, you either trust BTS to handle their business as capable adults, or you don't. It's really that simple for me. More than anybody else, they know their own situation, and are certainly capable of handling themselves.”

*

Also, given that all D2C sales are now rendered moot for US charts, I’m very happy Jungkook’s song will be sent to radio, to make up for not having the tool that other releases have had to some degree. And it seems Scooter has a hand to do with that anyway, so while I find Scooter to be kind of a creep, I’m glad Seven gets the chance with radio to leave a mark of his own.

This doesn’t mean I think Like Crazy couldn’t have benefitted from being sent to radio. Without Scooter involved it’s unlikely to have gotten many spins (BTS with Dynamite/Butter peaked at ~80M AUD+ in radioplay, Miley Cyrus does 100M AUD+ on average with Flowers), but radio still would’ve been a boon for Jimin. Just as I think it would have been for Hobi, Joon, and the others. But also, a big part of me is okay with them not all having equal promotion tools. Not every solo release has had CDs, Tiny Desk performances, tours, festivals, remixes, multiple versions, and now radio. In Chapter 2, expecting them all to receive “equal treatment” in the outcome of promotion tools during their initial solo projects, isn’t something I think is worth losing sleep over. Because as I’ve said, I cannot want more for the rapline/Jimin/BTS’s career than BTS themselves, I cannot love them more than they love themselves, and I certainly don’t know more about their circumstances than they know themselves. If Jimin, Jungkook, Hobi, or anyone needs to handle BigHit because they believe their career is being mismanaged, they’re the last people who would hesitate to do something about it, especially at this point in their careers.

Also, far as I’m concerned, any member who gets achievements and records no matter how it compares to my biases, deserves it.

I agree with you that there’s a lot of moving parts behind the scenes. But. The hysteria over Ryan simply saying Seven is getting serviced to radio, (not even that it’s expected to impact radio - which is a very different thing), was due 100% to how fully solo and manti sentiment has permeated into the fandom. In my humble opinion. A few things fuelled the reaction to that announcement:

- First the chaos started as backlash from PJMs to the insults and ridicule Jimin suffered from other solos (JJKs, KTHs, MYGs, Blinks, Barbs, etc) when his promotion tools (mult versions/remixes etc) were announced, all while ARMYs pretended that abuse wasn’t happening to him or were oblivious to it. It would be infuriating for PJMs to see JJKs having access to a tool that in theory should make it easier to rack up achievements for the song.

- Then there’s the anger from many people who love Jimin and have had to deal with an unpredictable roll-out environment, between BB randomly deleting sales in the 10s of thousands (when for previous BTS releases they’ve only tried to delete a few thousand sales at most), and no immediate clarity from BigHit. Having radio as a tool would’ve made handling that disastrous handicap significantly less stressful for ARMYs, and overall would’ve helped Jimin. There’s a strong case for why BigHit should factor radio in for Jimin and other members especially now going forward, even if it might not be really played. But again, if they don’t, it’s not something I see as my personal wahala.

- The akgae theory of preferential treatment and company favourites for jikook has been almost fully absorbed not just in solo spaces, but also in ARMY spaces primarily through shippers - and that’s how it always happens. The reason taekookers are the only people alongside Tae solo stans claiming that Beyond The Story is a HYBE psyop, is because they’re the only groups of people who have drank the koolaid about Tae’s neglect at the hands BangPD for the other members’ benefit. A lot of jikookers now believe the same for Jimin, and PJMs hold that belief as a canon creed anyway. Which is a bit funny IMO when you hear how JJKs see the whole thing. Because the similarities in narratives are so uncanny lol.

- Nobody asked but I personally think BangPD is out of touch. He seems to have really fanciful ideas that sometimes make me wonder how solid is his grasp of the situation he’s in. He strikes me as a bit complacent, but again, that’s just me looking from the outside in and it’s ultimately BTS’s business to deal with their boss and manager of ~13 years. Not mine.

There’s a few more factors that influenced why shit blew up a couple days ago IMO, even before the song is released, but anyway, I saw your ask earlier but didn’t care to involve myself in the hysteria on Tumblr/Twitter right away. So please see the above as a summary of what I think if you’re still curious.

Like Crazy is still stable because a lot of ARMYs are streaming it. Solos and locals too, because it’s just a very good song that’s easy to listen to and catchy as hell. FACE is not the only solo project we’ll see in Jimin’s career. I doubt it’s even going to be a significantly defining album outside of being his debut. I need a lot of people to breathe deeply and think about what exactly is happening here in this team of seven men, not just in the universe of maknae-line narratives and myths.

Or you know, just do whatever you like. My opinion is unpopular, and so I think the implosion is pretty much on track for 2024. Hopefully I’m very wrong lol.

[akookminsupporter]

Unrelated to anything just late night thoughts. I’ve been into bts for a while now, and it has always been about them for me. Obviously while watching their content I’ve gotten to know more about their culture and stuff, but I’ve never really delved further into the Korean culture nor the k-pop world, something that now I wish I had since I think it makes you look at things differently and more clearly. I mean, the k-pop world is as fucked up as any other music industry in any other country, even if it doesn’t seem like it at first glance, which makes me appreciate bts even more for whom they’ve come to be in an industry that’s very… constructed and harsh (to put it nicely). And not only that, but also for the fact that it’s thanks to them and other artists like them that the new generation of groups Can more easily navigate that world and be more open/honest, with themselves and with their fans (to some extent). These thoughts honestly came to me as a chain of events. I had just finished the Netflix show “Beef” (watch it if you haven’t is really good), and one of the main characters is a Korean male, and in one of the episodes there’s a suicide reference, and after finishing the series I don’t know why I wanted to check what was the suicide rate in Korea and oh boy… I wasn’t expecting it to be so bad but honestly I’m not that surprised either. But again, these are the things you don’t see when you just focus on the good stuff I guess. When looking at the suicide data I came across some idol suicides and I… it just really got to me. I mean, I was just watching a Jimin v-log from 2018 when he was reflecting about losing himself, the members having all their own issues and some feelings of the band loosing their focus — a v-log uploaded just a couple of months after Shinee member Jonghyun had committed suicide, an event that I know/feel that had some sort of effect on the band too. The stuff that happens around us, in our environment and in our social groups, even if these aren’t things directly linked to us, they can affect us, and the boys aren’t the exemption of that. I know the boys have said in the past that they try to show us their good parts, because they want to make us happy, and even though I appreciate that, I really wish and hope they aren’t suffering too much in silence. There is too much hate in this world, and there is too much hate online. Too much unnecessary shit honestly. All that mess and hate about fandoms is just ridiculous and harmful, specially if you don’t know what a person is going through behind their public image. And coming here to tumblr and seeing the back and forth between accounts is also so pointless. I know this post is all over the place but I guess that’s exactly how I was feeling rn and I just wanted to let it out. We need more love and understanding in this world. Wish you and your fam are doing fine Rosie 🫰🏼.

Although I usually answer the Asks I receive almost immediately, those that I want to post, of course, sometimes there are some that, although I know I want to post or answer, I don't do it immediately. Sometimes because I want to take some time to be able to answer correctly, other times I don't do it because, although I know what I want to say, I don't know how to organise it or translate it into English. I struggle a lot of times. This was one of those Asks.

When I read it for the first time I was answering or giving my opinion about each line written, but I was doing it in Spanish and I couldn't translate it correctly into English so I said, I'll post it later. The truth is that I really forgot what the ask said, but I knew I wanted to post it and I decided to do it now; when I reread it I stopped for a few seconds because the Ask is almost perfect for a day like today, after the news about Moonbin.

Korean society is particular, we could say, but it is too demanding, ruthless almost. The kpop industry is even more so. And I think as certain groups break barriers outside of Korea, the pressure on others increases as if the pressure isn't high enough already. One of the things I appreciate about bts and their agency is that they seem to have always had a certain freedom to express themselves in their music. Many of their songs are critical of the society they live in, about self-love, sadness and so on. Yoongi, for example, has always been a bit more open about those kinds of issues, but not everyone has that luxury.

The kpop community in general is toxic. They see these artists as machines, as puppets almost, who have to act the way they want to perform. And it's not easy. In a way, the human part of the Idol is lost or in some cases seems to be lost.

With the boom in the consumption of everything that has to do with Korea, the other side of that country has also come to light. Of that society. Of that industry. It's almost too easy to find Koreans on social media saying everything is not like kdramas and that living in Korea is hard. The standards of everything are very high. Many people who have decided to move there because they bought into the "illusion" have found it to be the worst.

And as far as I know, it's not just the entertainment industry. Normal life is difficult. The academic pressure on all young people in Korea is high. Depressing. Extremely demanding. The same goes for work and social pressure. That's why suicide rates are so high. And the fact that it's such a conservative society doesn't allow anything to be done to change a bit. Mental health is taboo in Korea, much more so than in other countries, I think. Or at least that's what I've read. And it's horrible.

Social media or the internet really is perhaps one of the worst double-edged weapons that humans have created. The anonymity that many sites or apps allow has given certain "internet warriors" the power to spread hate. With virtually no consequences. And it is sad and frightening. The smarter or more advanced our electronic devices become, the more dehumanised we become. Empathy and respect are rare traits these days.

I think the least we could do as human beings is to respect more but nowadays doing the simplest things has become the most difficult things ever.

[absolutebl]

Hi P’ABL! I saw the post earlier about branded pairs taking someone out of the story and just wanted to add my two cents, since you and I seem to be somewhat aligned on liking them (at least story/show wise). For me personally, another reason I like the pair system is I’m not worried about them being as uncomfortable!

I know the system has flaws, to put it mildly, but with the rise of pairs like EarthMix, FirstKhaotung, and even OhmNanon, it’s so nice to know that they were friends first, so they most likely could communicate better on boundaries while acting. I know they are all professionals, but something I always worry about with a lot of higher heat shows is the actors feeling pressured to do more than they are comfortable with (this isn’t unique to BL, either). When the actors are paired, and especially when they’re friends prior to being paired, I worry less that they were coerced into doing high heat they aren’t prepared for. It’s probably my anxiety that makes me worried about that more than usual.

Do you think the pair system could ever be moved to more of a healthy dynamic? On paper, the idea of pairing two actors who are comfortable with each other, good actors, with guaranteed chemistry seems amazing for actors and production companies alike. However I know there’s a lot of shit that happens in the background that makes it a lot more complex than that.

Hum, I think a lot about the 1950s Hollywood studio system with pair branding.

Do you think the pair system could ever be moved to more of a healthy dynamic?

Maybe? I mean it isn't the 1950s anymore, so evolution may go differently. (Much as humans love their repeated patterns.)

On paper, the idea of pairing two actors who are comfortable with each other, good actors, with guaranteed chemistry seems amazing for actors and production companies alike.

Yes.... on paper.

But never forget actors act.

It's what they, presumably, do best. I'm not saying any of these friendships we see between pairs are faked or forced, but I am saying that what WE see is performative.

Yes ALWAYS. On the v-live, on those bts cuts, on that reality TV show.

Also, please remember, actors tend to be narcissists - so how they behave around friendship, and notions of it, is different than many ordinary people. Their egos are both fixed, unmoored, and mercurial. Fixed because they are grounded in talent and beauty, unmoored because they often suffer from imposter syndrome (over one or both of those first 2 aspects), and mercurial because they take on other personalities so easily. Mimicry is their job, after all.

Maybe I'm jaded. But when I say never date an actor, I REALLY mean it. I mean I've plenty of celebrity-type friends, but they are a different kind of friend that requires a different kind of maintenance. They are TONS of fun to be around, but would I call them for help in times of need? Never. They aren't... how to put this nicely?... dependable.

Now when and how does the performance become the person, or the friendship? That's a fascinating question to examine.

You could watch 2017's Method, a KBL-ish movie that sort of tackles this. But it's emotionally rough going.

Since celebrities are notoriously difficult to study, psychologically speaking, we may never have actual data on this one. So in an awfully meta way I suppose we have to turn our attention back to fiction for the discussion.

(Never did I think there would come a time where I would recommend Method. Huh.)

[solarwynd]

Could you please enlighten me on PJM lore? Clearly PJMs are the most organised solos, not just in BT5verse, in probably all of kpop. I have been a pop fan for over a decade to see and know a group when they sorted and good at supporting an artist. PJMs are very much similar to Ami, which isn’t surprising (most of them came from there) and remind me almost swifties or barbs. How did they get so organised?

Ps. I am a solo Stan myself. I have only ever liked JM, and Hobi. The rest is bleh to me.

I’m still fresh-ish over here so I couldn’t really go into detail on pjm lore. But jimin being ostracized by armys and the company are always gonna be the main reasons because we knew we’d have to pick up the slack. His journey is very similar to how bts’ was initially just on a soloist scale. (And probably even to a worse extent imo.) It also definitely helps that a lot of us used to be armys and were for years beforehand so we know the ins and outs.

I think out of all the major solo fandoms I’ve come into knowing, they all suffer because 1. either the fandom is too small to make a dent, even with organization or 2. the music doesn’t hit (which is the case for 80% of these idols) and because the music doesn’t, they have to rely on other means to get whoever they stan to a better position. The fandom might be big too as well, but no one’s interested in streaming the music. Which is why they always have turn to something else to fill that disinterest. Fashion, acting socmed engament etc.

The comparison to barbs and swifties is interesting though. The organization on the barbs end i get, but for swifties I don’t think they’ve ever needed to be tbh. They have the luxury of being able to sit back and not have to be on their toes. Her core fanbase could stop streaming all together and she’d probably still pull similar numbers cause she’s the most GP artist out there right now.

[heybaetae]

i have no one to talk about it and you're always so open, so i'm just really getting this out of my chest, you don't need to answer if you don't want to

I'm so sad, i've been crying a lot every day since the announcement came. this was so unexpected (at least for me) and there was no time to emotionally prepare too... there were articles coming out before saying that all of them would have enlisted by december, but it was never confirmed by the members themselves, so i still had my doubts. then, out of nowhere, "hello, 4 members are enlisting at once"

they are working so much and you couldn't tell if this or that was gonna be released in 2024 or still this year. and then i thought "well, i have to prepare myself for the end of december", since there are usually between 40 or 50 days with them after the notice by bighit. if what kmedia said is true, they are leaving in less than two weeks

i feel broken and so empty, i'm so scared of my future, next year i'll go through so many changes and i never take changes easily, i always suffer so much untill i get used to something, and now... not having the only constant i've been used to have in my life..there is no time to process. it was different with jin because he was here for more than a month before he left, it was also obvious that yoongi was leaving after his tour and hobi... :/ i'm devasted

i'm gonna cry so much with this upcoming documentary, i thought that the ptd DVD would cheer me up, but i've just been feeling more weird and sad :( i laugh in the funny scenes, but there's this sadness behind it. and my bias is jungkook... his lives :( i've been asking myself if he would do a "goodbye live".. if he decides to do it, i really really really don't wanna lose it :( i already miss him so much and he's not even gone yet

i’m sorry hun. i think everyone is in the same boat emotionally about the shorter notice compared to the previous enlistments. i’m not really gonna acknowledge what is being spread around by the media rn because the same thing happened with jin and he wasn’t thrilled about that information being made public, but i’ll say it’s okay and valid to feel everything you’re feeling and to have hoped we’d have a little more time than what the reality seems to be.

i really hope next year goes smoothly for you and that you adjust as comfortably as you can to whatever your new normal is going to be in your personal life and your life alongside bts during their absence.

luckily, it‘s quite clear that they’ve each prepared things for us to release after they’re gone and while i value their safety and well-being so much more than having any content during this, it’s extremely generous of them. not only for three of those members to have seemingly held off on their enlistments until the youngest released his album and was done promoting it so they could all go at once, but for them all to have used that time to work on things to keep us entertained once they did. i don’t think it’ll feel like your constant will be completely gone, they’ve made sure of it. we’re so lucky they care about us enough to plan ahead, create new stuff to enjoy in the meantime, and to time it perfectly so they’re back on the literal day before their anniversary in 2025. you really don’t get sappier than that lol.

also on the topic of whatever content that comes out in the coming months/year (i’m sure they’ll spread it out), if you think it’ll make you too sad to watch, it’s not going anywhere and it’ll be ready for you whenever you need it. weverse posts and occasional instagram posts will be a thing. it will absolutely suck losing jungkook’s lives, but i know he’ll make the most of his social media time in other ways at every opportunity he gets and those moments of communication will feel all the more special.

feel all your feelings, let them out however you need. but remember that you’re not alone in your emotions too and you can reach out to any of us here at any time. if you need to log off on the actual day, definitely to. focus on you, do something fun, find something that’ll take your mind off of it. all of this is temporary and it’ll go by fast. we just have to take it day by day. 💜

[cordiallyfuturedwight]

bts song tag game under the cut <3

i was tagged by my darlings @jiminsproof and @wistfulocean to put these BTS songs in order - THANKS A LOT (no i'm just kidding thanks for the tags i love you both) here we go with my hot takes....... enjoy

Fake Love (so true Natalia)

Boy With Luv

Blood, Sweat & Tears

Black Swan (obv we all have superior taste)

Mic Drop

ON

Spring Day (been listening to this one on repeat lately, yea i’m fine?)

Not Today

Airplane pt. 2

Save Me

Run

DNA

Fire

Dope

I Need U

We Are Bulletproof pt. 2

IDOL

Life Goes On

Yet to Come

Epilogue: Young Forever (these last 3 all sit at the same table)

Lights

Just One Day

No More Dream

Butter

Boy In Luv

Danger

War of Hormone

Dynamite

Heartbeat

Stay Gold

For You

Film Out

N.O.

Permission To Dance (sorry boo)

i’m posting this before i completely reconfigure everything for the 4th time okay

i’m tagging @aprylynn for fun who thought she was going to escape 🙃 (you can still escape) and @chachachas who might also like to do this [suffer] with us <3

[holdinbacksecrets]

WAIT talk to me about Jungkook all you want 😭 you don't need a brick wall.. 💗

- 🧁

incoming >.< 🫶

there’s so much appreciation existing in me for this man. i was talking to a friend a few months ago about my journey with authenticity, and the steps i’ve been wanting to take to feel more connected to my authentic self. i realized through our conversation that i’ve been inspired by jungkook, and i think that’s so cool. it’s important to me that the people i invest time in inspire me and make me feel free or seek out ways to live that get me closer to freedom.

jungkook is also the first person i’ve ever biased in kpop, so i have loyalty to him that will never go away. even if the intensity ebbs and flows, at the end of the day, it’s still love, joy, and admiration existing for him.

then there are other things like my fondness for him, and the way my eyes gravitate to him. the fact that i’ve observed jungkook through videos like bon voyage and in the soop or in emotional on stage moments and find him so endearing— so lovable. i realize that we don’t see everything, and i’ll never know him completely, but i’m still grateful for what i do know… how that knowledge has brought me comfort and helped me grow. whether it be music or his sincere words, i’ve grown, been comforted, touched joy, found peace in times of great need, so i love him >.<

my feelings about bts have changed a lot in the past years, and sometimes i wonder if there’s too much distance being created to get as close as i originally was. i guess i can still surprise myself. i’ll end up listening to my bts breathe playlist (comfort songs) and suddenly memories are playing in my mind like a slideshow. like many other fans, i found bts when i was suffering, and that light they turned on can dim sometimes, but then it returns to a full, saturating glow, bringing me to moments like this one: i’m sat in my room feeling so glad and genuinely happy for the ways my life has been enhanced. sure part of that is just them, but it’s mainly the music, or the details i shared earlier about jungkook and my journey toward authenticity. i’m just all around grateful.

thank you for giving me this opportunity to talk more about him 🖤

[slyvieselkie]

Love

Hi Lovelies, it's me and my second addition to the BTS series. I based this short story on possibly my favourite BTS song 'Love' by RM.

I also tried to make this gender neutral, hope it worked out!

Please enjoy ♡

Is this love? 

Is this love? 

Sometimes I know, sometimes I don’t. 

At first they were unsure, twiddling their fingers while dancing on the fence between friends and something more. 

Eyes would meet before immediately looking away, 'Signs of nervousness, is this love?'

"I love you~", voices teased, 'Sayng love so easily, this must not be love, right?'

However, that fence disappeared one crazy night. Insecurity, jealousy, social media and alcohol tore the walls merging the storms together. 

Clothes were ripped, sweaty bodies reflected the city lights, lips tugged harshly, hands gripped possessively and voices whispered dangerous sentences. 

The next morning was so contrasting it was funny. Embarrassed souls wanting to escape but not ready to let go, remnants of the night bringing back a heat and their pinkies slowly being tied together by a red string. 

"I…I think I love you."

The next lyrics, um What should I write, um Too many words circle around me But none of them feel how I feel I just feel it

It was a comedic mess in the beginning. 

Struck with love, every moment was an awkward blessing. Stutters, blushes, shy touches and running off to squeal to their friends. They dressed to impress at every date; bringing the whole group together to plan their actions.

"Hyung, at the end of the date you need to push her against the wall and say 'Damn, I can’t hold back anymore' and go crazy!", "Yah! This genius!", "Oppa I saranghae you~!"

The man groaned at his useless group. 

The other side wasn’t much better. 

"Waaaa~! Sexy!", "I-Isn’t this a little revealing?", "That’s the whole point!", "Gentlemen like him always have a crazy side! And you want to target that side!", "But wasn’t that side already targeted? I mean that’s how they got together-", "YAH!"

Mistakes were made and they suffered humiliation together, spies watched from a distance recording everything for a promising wedding. 

But slowly it began to feel frustrating, their naive hearts wanted a lot more than it could handle. It was annoying how they couldn’t move closer, how they couldn’t touch each other for more than a few seconds and words were so difficult to spill. 

So they broke down the second fence again, with alcohol. Was it the best method? Who knows. But it was the most effective. 

Once again, they ran wild and greedy. It was even more wild this time, the memories of the first time them made them only worse. All day and all night, making up for all of the moments of wanting more. Necks were littered with bites and deep marks, scratches and bruises littered their bodies. And by the end, the fence was completely destroyed and so were they. But it was satisfying. 

'Finally.'

Their hearts began to beat as one; kisses were a must, buying two coffees instead of one, they loved being in each other’s laps and words of love filled their house. 

I’m just a human, human, human

You erode all my corners

And make me into love, love, love

Of course, love wasn’t easy. 

Their relationship began out of insecurity and jealousy, not only that, work also distanced them. No one was willing to back down, no one was willing to talk and understand. Every word lead to an argument and every argument slowly snipped away at their red string. 

Tears flooded their house, shouting tore it down and their passionate hearts burnt the rest into ashes. 

Before it was a fence separating them, this time it was a canyon between the two. A dark pit that would swallow them into death if they stepped forward. Scared but tired, they had no idea what to do. Forward was not possible but backwards was unacceptable. 

Their friends watched worried. It was time for them to step in. 

They was dragged away from the house by one group while the other snuck in. It seems their wedding present would be used much earlier than they had expected. 

Tired mentally and physically, a voice called out entering the house. At the entrance of the living room, the figure stood there stunned. Another in the centre sobbing. Around them, were their younger selves of naive joy and simple happiness. Bittersweet memories filled the skies of their wrecked land. 

"L-Let’s stop-", arms reached out, "Please don’t say that. Let’s work things out together…please."

Lips connected, "I love you."

It’s a long way from I to U Fuck, JKLMNOPQRST I crossed all the letters and I reached you

Was it difficult? For sure. 

But they didn’t everything to make it work, they fought against the world and they fought against themselves. Barriers were broken and their string transformed into a chain. 

Their hearts grew bigger understanding each other’s annoyances and signals. There were times to talk, others were to hold and very few meant separation. Now they were drowning in love, to make up for the moments of regret. 

Their house was rebuilt, much stronger than before. And it would take the world ending to bring it down again. 

Some people might ask, why go through all of this trouble? 

Humans live to love and they loved each other, simple. 

You’re my person, my person, my person You’re my desire, my desire, my desire You’re my pride, my pride, my pride You’re my love (my love) One and only love (only love)

It’s been quite some time now. 

They’ve spent many birthdays, many Christmases, many New Years and many anniversaries.

Talks of marriage have started but the both of them didn’t really care. Because everyone already knew the two belonged together, a paper or a ring was really nothing. 

They’ve stood together before the world baring the terrible weight of words. But who the hell cares? Not these two. No they were flaunting even more; every skincare night, luxury evening date,and buying a bigger home. 

Plush lips peppered kisses over the man’s face, "Love you, Namjoon."

A deep rumble left him as his lips touched the bare neck already covered in his marks, "Love you too, sweetheart."

You know... We were always meant to be... Destiny... I hope you feel the same with me... LOVE

They do, a lot. 

Love.

Hello people~!

Let’s talk for a bit. So this is my favourite song, maybe out of all of the BTS songs. The melody, the instruments and the lyrics as well. Everything just drew me in. And I was in love. 

I’ve had this idea for a little while now but I decided against it, I don’t really know why just didn’t feel like it. Anyways, I was really satisfied with this outcome and I hope you guys loved it too. 

Just a little bit more. The gif I attached is of Luka Megurine's ‘Just Be Friends'. I wanted to use it because I used a really important aspect from that song. The moment where everything began to collapse, they sat down and watched their memories of joy. They saw their younger selves and left in regret. As much as I loved that ending, it also broke me apart. So I wanted to use it for a happy resolution. 

If you read all of this, you're a legend!

[ishikawayukis]

HI IM BACK IM THE ANON WHO KEEPS TALKING ABOUT OP-

Sorry I disappeared but life has been, well: life 🤡 BUT!! we should just get that 3rd piercing at this point and blame it on zoro LMAO I actually told my mom I’m planning on getting it and she told me that if I did it maybe she would get a second piercing on her ear!! again I would say go get it, but I know healing is horrible when it doesn’t go well so definitely think about it more as to not regret it c:

AND YESSS I’m also so excited!! Especially since I’m now FINALLY on the Alabasta saga when I truly felt like I wouldn’t be able to get there, but I discovered x1.25 speed and made it possible LOL

Iñaki is so so so luffy seriously, the whole cast is great and they seem so passionate about it, I can’t help but watch the bts of the show bc of them, and yes I’m down bad for zoro LMAO like he can be a little dumb but I love him that way, he’s a loyal dumb man<3

Tbh every time sanji appears and does something silly/shocking/pathetic I think of you and I’m like “yeap, I get it, I see the vision” AND YES CHOPPER IS SO CUTE!!! they made me sad for a freaking whale and then they got me weeping with chopper’s past, I thought sanji’s was a pretty strong one but damn, I wanted to get into the screen and hug chopper fr<3 also I wasn’t expecting to see ace so quickly after and well, I’ll just say I said “I’m sorry zoro” when they introduced him on that food place scene LMAO but I’m still a zoro fan I just had to acknowledge ace is definitely built different 😔🙏🏽

don't worry about dissapearing i get it it's all good dear 💕 i think i'm 100% gonna get it next time i go out with a pal that we always end up going to a place with a lot of tattoo/piercing shops and i simply will have no control over myself when they're There you know LMAO also love it that your mom wants to get one too my parents just sigh when they see another piercing

dude 1.25 speed my beloved LMAO i was talking to some friends yesterday that i started watching it and they were like dude do not feel bad about skipping some parts or going faster because these fuckers take Time, and i was liek oh no no no worries i for sure have been doing that LMAO i saw a video the other day that described the whole alabasta saga as "they're in the desert for way way longer that you think they're gonna be" and man if that isn't true

they are all honestly so passionate about it i wish we could see even more behind stuff, not only for the interactions between them because i Live for iñaki and taz together, but to see how everything was made as well

that's my pathetic little man i love him so much glad that you can see the vision as well SDLGKHSL they made chopper's backstory so sad and for What like we were gonna get attached to that little reindeer no matter what why make us suffer as well. if that isn't all of us when ace appears like hey so sorry main crew i need to know everything about luffy's brother immediately can you all leave us for like 30 min. ace is indeed build different i love that guy so much, but zoro will still be there you can enjoy ace in alabasta for a while LSKHDGL

[ediblegardenspointloma]

In My San Diego Garden and Kitchen

Corn is the noteworthy harvest of the past week. We’ve had ears of corn for dinner five nights. ‘Sugar Pearl’ is a favorite, obtained from Renee’s Garden but also available elsewhere. The thumbnail above shows the last of the first planting and these are the smaller, secondary ears.

Here are a few of the first ears harvested. The catalog description does not overstate its virtues.

Our favorite early white for top eating quality. Sugar Pearl’s fast-growing, vigorous stalks grow just 5 to 5 1/2 feet tall, producing delicious ears of pearly white sweet kernels with that delicate, meltingly tender flavor that characterizes really delicious white corn. Sugar Pearl was bred for specialty and farmers markets where taste is the prime criteria for success. This trouble-free and reliable variety is ideal for short or early season growing, ripening succulent ears before most other white varieties.

No raccoons and no worms with the corn so far this year. No worms I can attribute to mineral oil at first appearance of the silk and weekly sprays of BT to the silk.

I speculated that a haphazard grid of bamboo might deter some well-fed raccoons, which can be the size of small to medium dogs in our ‘hood. To further discourage interest in the corn I sprinkled a horrid smelling mixture of donated peppery spices around the plants. I also doused the bed with Plantskydd granules which has diverted the opossums from making Swiss cheese of our small front lawn. I also used the peppery mix and Plantskydd outside the fence on the alley from whence the critters come. Bird spikes atop the wood fence also make the entry problematic for them.

Perhaps, TMI but we do like our corn and with only a 4 x 8 foot patch, we’re unwilling to share with four-legged friends. The second planting, two weeks later should be ready in a week or so as the 70 day mark approaches.

Only one tomato so far and it didn’t deserve a photo. Several days of this weather last week did not hasten the tomato and pepper crops. I have hopes for some black cherry tomatoes in a week or so and the bell peppers are larger but I’m holding out for red peppers. Corn and beans for drying don’t seem to suffer but the cucumbers have made an early exit.

We get a handful of Emerite pole beans every few days but I’m letting most set seed now. The zucchini yields one or two a day as I remove the powdery mildewed leaves.

The day-neutral Seascape strawberries produce an odd-lot even into September. Though small in number, they are red all through and sweet additions to fruit salads.

A Tropical Storm Hilary “harvest” was a bevy of pine needs from a favorite secluded stone pine tree on a nearby college campus. I find them especially useful for a winter vegetable garden mulch.

These days there are usually a couple bouquets of Red Queen Lime zinnias in the house. I’m enchanted by the color variations and their sweet simplicity.

Check the What I’m Planting Now page as I begin soon to sow seeds for the cool season garden. Head today to Harvest Monday, hosted by Dave at Happy Acres blog and see what garden bloggers around the world harvested last week.

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