#i’m probably more upset now than i was when the video originally came out lmao

[roastedinmarch]

i keep thinking i’m done with kevin but i miss his videos sm. i can never go back to watching him, im so disappointed in his apology and i will never feel safe in his community again, but i love his content, i wish the whole thing just never happened.

[itsallyscorner]

I'm loving your little mix works so much I wanted to request something if you're not too busy idk if you've seen the interview where perrie says that alex went to rehearsals with her because she couldn't get choreographies right and he would help her well what if tom did the same for reader??? and Jesy is soft for them but she won't admit it

Hi lovey! Thank you so much for the request! I added a little twist to it, but it’s still the same concept you wanted. AND YES, JESY LOVES THEM TOGETHER SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO ADMIT IT. I hope you like it, happy reading!💜✨

💌.

Patience

I hope you enjoy this! I honestly had so much fun rewatching Break Up Song over and over again to get the little dance they do in the chorus, it’s stuck in my head lol. That’s basically the dance the reader is trying to do, if you want to see the dance it’s somewhere towards the end of the Break Up Song video!

You watched the video your choreographer sent to you and the girls. You watched it over and over again, taking a moment to study the moves before getting up from the bed and doing them yourself. The video was a little dance Kayleigh, your choreographer, created for the Break Up Song music video. Since the pandemic was still in full affect and everyone was still on lockdown, shooting a music video at a studio was an absolute no go. As much as it sadden you and the girls that you couldn’t film your original vision for the video, your health and the crew’s health meant the most to all of you at the moment. Instead of not filming a music video at all, you and the girls have decided that it would be fun to shoot the video on your own at your own homes.

Which brings you to today. You were in your room, that you shared with Tom, trying to learn the choreography. Honestly, it wasn’t that hard of a dance, it was quite simple. The video Kayleigh sent you all was probably less than a minute. The dance was supposed to be done during the chorus, the rest of the song would be freestyle or clips of you all doing some nonsense for fun.

Your brows furrowed together, eyes glaring at your phone screen while you tried to figure out how to sway your arms and circle them to make them cross. Like Perrie, it took you a while to learn choreography. Unlike the other three, you and Perrie took extra time studying the dancers and had extra sessions at the studio to get the choreography down. Though it was sometimes frustrating, the end result was always worth it.

You cursed to yourself as the video ended for the twentieth time. You tried repeating the steps, watching yourself in the mirror, but it just wasn’t coming out right. You felt your body growing hot as you became upset at yourself for not understanding a few simple steps. You thought learning through a video would be easier, but no, it’s more difficult for you. There was no guidance from Kayleigh, she wasn’t there to tell you what you were doing wrong or what you were doing right. You just felt lost and confused.

Groaning, you snatch your phone from the table and throw yourself onto your bed. You take Tom’s pillow, hugging it as you lay on your stomach. You shove your face into his pillow, the smell of him with a mix of his shampoo bringing you some kind of solace from your frustration.

(Y/n)🌺: Girls, do we really need to have a dance in the video?

Perrie🦋: Yeah I agree. Do we REALLY need one?

Jesy💖: Don’t tell me you guys can’t get that?

Do you not get it?

Leigh-Anne😻: Huns, it’s like learning a TikTok dance

Jade💜: It’s so easy! Girls, it’s like 30 secs of the video. We always have a dance choreo in our videos!

(Y/n)🌺: But we’re bad at dancing🥺

Perrie🦋: You all know how hard it is for me and (y/n) to pick up choreography:(

Jesy💖: (y/n), isn’t Tom a dancer?

(Y/n)🌺: He used to do ballet and he was in Billy Elliot, he won’t shut up about it.

Why?

Jesy💖: Ask twinkle toes to help you, he might be able to teach you.

If he can teach you how to spoil things, he can teach you how to dance👌🏽

Jade💜: ^^^ she’s got a point

Leigh-Anne😻: Omg Tom did ballet?

Jesy💖: Lmao what a loser

(Y/n)🌺: That’s actually a good idea, I’ll go bother him rn:))

Perrie🦋: Right I’m glad (y/n) has a way to learn the dance but what about me? I live with a football player🙁

Turning your phone off, you hop out of bed and skip your way out of the bedroom. You walk around the house looking for Tom, but instead bump into Harrison and Tuwaine.

“Boys, where’s Thomas?” You ask them, stealing one of the chips Harrison was eating. With a playful glare, he softly smacks your hand. You cheekily grin at him as you eat the chip.

“He’s outside with Harry, they’re cleaning the patio.” Tuwaine answers. Harrison snorts, “And doing a shit job at it.” You quickly thank them and pull on the glass sliding doors to get to the backyard. You see Harry with one of those power hoses spraying dirt off the concrete as Tom stood to the side filming him. You wait for him to end his video before coming up behind him and wrapping your arms around his torso.

“I thought you were supposed to be cleaning with Harry?” You ask him, earning Harry’s attention.

“You know what (y/n), that’s exactly what I said!” Harry answered sarcasticly, spraying the hose dangerously close to Tom’s feet. Your boyfriend yelps, turning around to scoop you in his arms and move you both away from Harry and the hose.

“You dick!” He hissed at his brother. Harry chuckles satisfied at riling up his brother. He turns around and returns to his task at hand.

Tom puts you down on your feet though his hands remain at your hips. You look up at him, admiring the way his eyes and hair give off a sweet honey color in the sun.

“What’s up bub? Have you got the dance down yet?” He asks, thumbs rubbing circles onto your hips. Your face contorts together, nose scrunched up in irritation at the mention of the dance. Tom notices your change in expression and pouts at you.

“I’m gonna take that as a no?” You sigh, leaning into his chest and rest your head on his shoulder. Picking up on your exasperation, he pulls you in closer and places his palm on your back rubbing soothing circles onto it.

“I don’t know why I can’t just get it. It’s so bloody simple and I just can’t do it. Why am I like this?” You ramble, beating your head against his shoulder with every word. Tom makes a sound of disagreement as he gently pulls you away from his shoulder.

Before he can speak he presses multiple kisses onto your forehead making you giggle, “There’s nothing wrong with you, darling. It just takes you a little bit longer to properly learn choreography, there’s nothing wrong with that! You’re an excellent dancer in my eyes.”

You fondly roll your eyes at him, always one for the sweet talk, “You’re only saying that because you’re my boyfriend.”

“No, I’ve seen you dance before (y/n), you’re actually good.” His eyes quickly rake over your body, “But as your boyfriend, I think you look extremely hot when you dance. Especially in those little costumes you wear during tour.”

You wrap your arms around his neck, placing a light kiss on his lips. “Hmmm, ok. Well, then as my boyfriend, will you help me learn the dance?” You try to soften him up with some puppy eyes and a smile that made the corner of your lips squish up to your cheeks.

Without any hesitation, he agrees, not thinking of how difficult it would be to actually teach you the dance.

~⏰~

Hours pass and Tom was slowly losing his shit. He loves you, absolutely adores you, like nothing in the world will ever make him stop loving you. But trying to teach you simple choreography was making him loose his mind.

Tom stares blankly at the floor, sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. You stood a few feet away from him, cringing to yourself as you watched your boyfriend regain his patience with you.

“I love you.” You squeaked out sinking into your shoulders. Tom sighs and takes his head out his hands to look at you tiredly. He drags himself off the bed and stands in front of you. He cups your face in his hand, squishing it gently and playfully growls at you.

“Darling, I love you too.” He affirms with a fond smile. He lets out a breath before resting his forehead onto yours, “I just—why can’t you get it? I don’t understand.”

You pout at him and huff, “It’s not that easy, it’s really hard!” You and him had been practicing for a while now. For the first few minutes, Tom watched the video a number of times until he finally got the steps memorized. Then he took an hour of breaking down each step for you while you stood beside him repeating his moves. When he asked you to do it all together, all the steps you’ve rehearsed went out the window. Which lead to Tom breaking down the steps for you once again and so on.

“Baby, I did everything I can. I’ve done it really slow and explained each step to you.” He reasoned. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“But it’s hard Tommy!” You defended yourself, almost on the verge of crying because you still couldn’t comprehend the steps. Though you were probably overreacting, your whole day had been full of frustration; you were tired and mad at yourself for not understanding something so simple and now it was all coming together to make you explode.

“(Y/n), it’s like only ten to nine steps, you could do it.” Tom tried to encourage you. You groaned and pull yourself away from him. You plop yourself down to the bed, face smushed right into the pillows.

“I’m hopeless.” You said into the pillow, though it might have came out muffled for Tom. Tom frowned at your figure on the bed. He was upset at two things. One, he hated seeing you so frustrated with yourself. He just wanted to wrap you up in hugs and tell you that he was proud of you for trying your best. Two, he was mad at himself for kind of loosing his temper with you. You asked him for help and he did do that but he could have been a bit more patient. He knew you weren’t that good with rehearsing choreography so he should have expected the process to take a little bit slower.

“(Y/n), it’s swing, swing, round, swing, what’s so hard to understand?” Tom swung his arms like how Kayleigh did in the video, though his motions were quite harsh and sharp.

“I don’t know! I can’t swing my arms properly.” You complained, repeating his steps, your arms moving loosely.

“It’s just swinging your arms! There’s nothing hard about swinging your arms!” He exploded, throwing his arms in the air. An almost crazed look was in his eyes as he gripped onto the roots of his hair. Squeezing his eyes shut he took a breath in, “I need a break.”

Guilt filled him as he heard a sniff come from the pillow. Tom was immediately by your side trying to get you to look at him. “Darling, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled.”

He sees you move your face so he can hear you properly, “No, it’s okay, you were just expressing how you feel. It’s my fault I can’t comprehend simple choreograph.”

Tom sighs, shifting so he’s laying against you, head resting on the same pillow as yours while he waits for you to look at him again. One hand supports his head and the other rubs circles onto your back. He feels you relax under his touch making him pull you closer because he felt like you needed the comfort. You were trying your best, he knew you were. In fact, he even saw you getting some of the steps correct, you just instantly doubted yourself.

“No, I should’ve remembered that it takes a few times for you to memorize choreography. I should’ve been more patient.” He began. “And you came to me for help and I did nothing but make you even more upset, I’m sorry.” He apologized. Your head rises from the pillow, Tom softly chuckles at the strands of hair that covered your face.

“Don’t say that, you did a great job at helping me, I’m just—stupid.” You shrug nonchalantly. Tom rolls his eyes, brushing the strands of hair that covered your face behind your ear. “Now that’s stupid, you’re one of the smartest girls I know.”

You snort shoving his hand away from you, “You said I was an excellent dancer and look at where that got us.”

“You are an excellent dancer, love. You just doubt yourself.” He gets up from the bed and holds his hand out for you. “Let’s try again?”

You glance at him then at his hand before finally giving in. You grasp his hand, using it as leverage to help yourself off the bed. Tom smiles proudly at you, pressing a sweet kiss to your lips, “That’s my girl.”

~⏰~

Since standing beside each other was not doing the trick, Tom decided that he would try standing behind you. With your back against his chest, he outstretched his hands to hold onto your arms and guide them.

“Right, so we’re swinging this way, that way, then we go around and swing again.” Tom explained as he puppets your arms in those directions. You stare at yourself in the mirror and repeat Tom’s words to yourself. Tom glances at you from your shoulder, where his chin rested, seeing the gears shifting in your brain.

“Ok, we swing twice, then go around once, and swing again.”

Tom hums at you in response, “Yeah, you’ve got that part down.” He takes your left arm and brings it to your right shoulder, then your right arm to your left shoulder.

“After the swing we go chest, chest, so that it makes an x.” Tom continues to explain. You nod along, making mental notes to yourself. Suddenly, you jump, taking Tom by surprise.

“What happened?”

“I know the next move!” You beamed, shaking your arms from his grip and forming a heart with them. “After the X, we make a heart, and then it’s that shimmy thing.”

The grin on Tom’s face made the corners of his eyes crinkle and made his pearly whites twinkle at you, “Yeah, that’s right! Can you show me the stuff we’ve rehearsed so far?”

You purse your lips at yourself in the mirror, going over the mental notes you took in your head. The opening steps involved a little skipping in place while you punched the air three times; two punches on the left and one on the right. Then that would lead into the swinging, then the chests that make an X, the heart and shimmy.

“You remember darling, don’t doubt yourself.” He motivates you.

You jump around your spot and shake your limbs out, “Alright, I think I’m good.”

“Go for it, love.” Tom nods at you as he stands to the side with his hands on his hips, almost like a dance instructor or some teacher.

“I’m gonna sing the lyrics out, it helps.” You comment. Tom waves you off, “Whatever makes you comfortable.”

“So it’s—so tonight I’ll sing another,” You skip and do the punches.

“Another break up song,” You transition into the arm’s choreography, swinging them and going around once. You jump so your legs are together and do the X with your arms over you chest. You make the heart and do the shimmies, squealing excitedly when you finally get all the steps done correctly.

“I DID IT!” You happily yell jumping into Tom’s arms. He catches you right on time with just as much cheerfulness as you.

“I KNOW, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!” He cheers making you both jump in celebration. You hug him tightly, continuously thanking him. Without Tom, you probably would’ve never learned the dance properly and would have given up the moment you felt like it. But thankfully, you had a loving boyfriend who never gave up on you. No matter how much you drove him mad.

“Seriously Tom, thank you for helping me. You didn’t have to, but I really appreciate it.” You tell him once he places you back on the ground.

“It’s no trouble, especially for you, I’d do anything for you.” He grins pecking your lips. You hum against his soft lips pulling him back in to meet yours again.

“Let’s just hope I can still remember this till tomorrow.” 

Tom chuckles against your lips, “Darling we aren’t even done yet, that was just the first bit.” You pull away from him, mouth agape, “Wait there’s more?”

[shoezuki]

This is a post on the cheating accusations around dream mostly surrounding his response video.

If you don’t want to see this or any of these posts then blacklist the tag #discourse

SO I’ve been doing a lot of digging into what dream has said in his response to Geosquare’s original video and report, which was compiled and conducted by the Minecraft Java mods on speedrun.com. 

I won’t talk about that original report in detail, but basically: the mods came to the conclusion that Dream had a 1 in 7.5 trillion chance of getting the pearl bartering rates and the blaze drop odds that he did within the 6 streams he did. As in, someone would need that luck to replicate what dream got. Therefore, he cheated. 

I’m going to put this into a sort of ‘point form’ in according to topic, attempting to put it in chronological order.

Dream’s Initial Tweets

Ok so first like. these are bad. these tweets are what he said (on twitter, excluding in the speedrunning discord) directly after the video was Uploaded to Geo’s channel. 

worth noting he did apologize later, although i wanted to talk about these two instances so i felt the need to include it. 

there’s a lot of interesting wording in the apology tweet itself too. I personally find that when he apologizes he tends to still be very subtextually angry in them with the tone, but more specifically. where he says ‘although i have reason to be upset’, that’s kinda weak and really unneeded. Alongside the ‘intense criticism’, it reads as him trying to say he’s still in the right. kind of like “im sorry i was rude even though I had reason to be rude’. Its an apology sure but he’s not saying sorry for how he really reacted; its justified to him.

Dream’s Response Video

Dream posted a response on his side channel DreamXD on the 22nd, along with the report he had a supposed astrophysicist conduct. I’m going to talk about the report separately from the video for reasons I’ll explain. 

Frankly, the video doesn’t really summarize or explain the report in a meaningful way. At most, it takes some points from it but tends to twist the numbers around, misunderstand the probability and math, and also what the report itself concludes. 

Essentially, dream’s video insists that the numbers found by the mods are wrong and therefore he didn’t cheat at all, yet the report concludes that the numbers found by the mods weren’t entirely accurate, however they’re still extremely unlikely. This is also all under the assumption that the report is entirely correct (ill say how its not next)

His first point is that only his 1.16 run (that was at 5th place two months ago, would have now been 16th) was deemed cheated. This is true; the mods have said that he isnt banned outright and theres no reason to question the legitimacy of his 1.15 runs. 

He also concludes that Geo’s statement that Dream didn’t cooperate with them, and that he deleted 1.16 mod folders, was false. This one is a little more complicated. It could more be chalked up to a miscommunication, although it’s relevant. Geosquare posted screenshots of the specific conversation they had:

Essentially it wasn’t entirely clear, i can understand how geo and the mods interpreted it in such a way. Altho April added in a quote retweet thread that dream didn’t supply the folder she asked for, so he didn’t supply everything they asked for like he states in the video

Essentially: yeah, misleading and weird on both ends. I dont think this is really anything quantifiable, although dream talked about this in the video heavily. 

Out of this though, Geo DID correct himself in the description of the mods’ video. Dream shows this in his own response, but it crops out some of what geo says. here’s from dream’s video

that Update 2 is where he corrects himself. literally why the fuck would you crop it like this and put it in the video i mean this looks so weird and genuinely doesnt provide anything. Here’s what geo actually said

Dream specifically cut it before the line where geo mentions how he said he deleted his specific 1.16 speedrun profile. This one is just so dumb to me. I’d say ‘why not include that’ but either i feel its a) so there’s no potential for people to say what he had actually said could be interpreted otherwise easily or b) doesnt want people to know he got so upset he deleted files (ego wise yknow). Again, I dont think this is definitive of anything but god. it feels scummy lmao

The Video: Incorrect Representation of His Own Report

Dream straight up doesnt present the report’s numbers properly. In fact it makes the entirety of his visuals forfeit, i.e. the gold block analogy that goes on for like 20 minutes. 

The mods said his luck was 1/7.5 trillion. Dream’s report says its 1/10 million (with the addition of 5 other streams) or 1/100 million (only the 6 streams).

I’ll only consider the 1/10 mil odds, since its all dream really brings up. but Basically; there’s not much difference between 1/10 million and 1/7.5 trillion. 

Dream says that the difference is 7.5 trillion minus 10 million, aka 7.4999 trillion. This is what his entire visual with the gold blocks is based on. This is absolutely incorrect, i cant stress that enough. 

You can’t find the difference of fractions by subtracting only the denominators. Like. this is elementary school math. it just doesnt work. 

It’d actually be calculated as: (1/10 000 000) - (1/7 500 000 000 000) = (74999/7 500 000 000 000)

If the mods are wrong, they’re only wrong by 749999/7.5 trillion. that’s literally only  0.000000099999866666667. 

Dream no doubt saw the numbers, considered 10 million vs. 7.5 trillion, and used these big numbers to hold his own point. PROBABILITY DOESNT WORK LIKE THAT. I really think he was just taking advantage of the seemingly big numbers here and wrote it out in a way that favoured him. The gold block analogy in the video played throughout the entire video practically, jokes were made on it, and he made a point of it being ‘so big the game crashed’. 

It’s just plain wrong. even so a difference in the odds doesnt prove shit. He’s downplaying his own odds that he found too. 1/10 million isnt a small number. Even though the legitimacy of that calculation is in question, it is still significant enough to proclaim he cheated. 

Some quick points before I move onto the report; these aren’t as significant in my eyes but it adds to the picture

there’s been criticism of his joking manor throughout the entire video, very specifically the Bill Nye joke. Considering he doesnt actually have a name to provide for his astrophysicist, this joke doesnt feel right

the mod he had a voice clip from (willz) even believes that he cheated and has agreed with the mod team the whole time. 

Dream never has a name for the mod who is apparently on his side (more understandable), the minecraft developer he quoted, or the astrophysicist (most damning)

Dream states that fabric is used by most speedrunners which is true, but fabric and fabric API are different; dream also had the latter installed. my knowledge of how theyre different is limited, all i really know is the API is what can enable editing of the code while fabric is more a modloader. im not entirely sure on this

Dream has said at the end of the video that all funds will go to the mod team so they can make a client that will regulate cheaters. this has been noted as feeling manipulative or like a ‘bribe’, but it definitely puts the mods in a bad position. 

either they accept it and look like they ‘gave in’ to dream and therefore acknowledge him in the right

they deny it and look selfish/taking dream’s kindness for granted

geo said they would insist it goes to a charity instead

Dream constantly disregards the mods as young, inexperienced, ‘just volunteers’ etcetcetc, despite the fact that theyre analysis has been discussed by people with confirmed PhDs without much criticism

Dream’s Report

The report itself is extremely interesting, in that it’s very questionable, but even so it doesn’t come to the conclusion that dream didn’t cheat. The tone between the video and the report is drastically different. 

This is from the “3. What are the goals of this document?” section:

It essentially says this isnt intended, from the very beginning, to completely exonerate dream of cheating. Also note that the author says the mods’ report was mostly correct. 

This is at the end of “9 Conclussions”:

It does notably say cheating isnt the only explanation, but it doesnt actually go as far to say that it’s not possible that he cheated. 

But this can be argued to not matter if we consider the validity of the report as a whole

Dream’s Report: Criticisms

Possibly the first and most known debunking of the report is by u/mfb on reddit, although there’s been much more such as this programmer criticizing the code provided at the end of the report (partially due to how the author of it stated that piglins barter 4-7 pearls, which is incorrect: it’s 4-8), Andrew Gelman, an actual statistician professor from harvard, commented on the original mods’ report as ‘impressive’ while Dream’s report is being regarded as something funny in the comments, and even analysis of dream’s behaviours and his argument by a law student

But what u/mfb posted is what i’ll focus on. Some background into the user; he’s a particle physicist, is moderator in subreddits like r/cosmology and r/astrophysics, he’s regarded as a reliable source on r/askscience and r/askreddit. Basically, multiple other people have vouched for him and before all this he had many posts in these fields. 

that’s already better than the unnamed astrophysicist. 

The post is better speaking for itself but here is a few exerpts from it;

Essentially, the report’s methods are debunked by u/mfb-, alongside that a moderator of r/statistics regarded the report as ‘nonsensical in its application of statistics’ and linked to u/mfb-’s comment. 

i’m going to end this here. Partially because severe backpain or whatever,.

but I want to say at this point its practically definitive that dream cheated, that he lied to us, and that he continues to do so. Much more could be said on his video such as his tone, intentions, the overt emphasis on the ‘biases’ of the mods. 

I havent even mentioned that the ‘astrophysicist’ themself may be a scam; they are sourced from a website that is extremely sketchy, has no names attached to it, and was created less than a year ago (with practically no traffic on it until maybe a month ago). 

But i hope this is coherent. I have interest in this so if theres questions im always open. 

[dbzebra]

A Son Family Christmas

A/N: Ok so this was originally a secret santa present from years ago, that I recently rediscovered and made some new additions and cleaned up some things. As usual this takes place in the End of Z era, this time 9 years after Majin Buu. And lots of cute family+ship fluff. might need to go to the dentist afterwards lmao

Words: 3721 (i got carried away lol)

Pairings: little bits of Gochi, HanVi, MarTen and K18. 

Mostly a Pan focused fic though! 

enjoy :)

Christmas Eve; Age 783. 

A blizzard howled and whistled from outside, covering the grassy mountain in a sparkling sheet of white snow. 

Mt. Paozu was pitch-dark, except for the lights that came from a small cottage deep in the woods. 

This was the home of Earth’s greatest hero.

The Son family decided to throw a Christmas party for themselves at their little mountain cottage. Goku invited Krillin and his family as well. The former monk was already pretty much family to Goku anyway, only more so when Goku and Krillin’s kids started dating each other the previous year. 

It was the day everyone was looking forward to, but nobody was more excited than Son Pan. 

Pan was three years old now, and could finally understand the concept of the holiday, as well as the magic and excitement behind waking up the next morning to find presents underneath the Christmas tree.

The toddler stared around at her grandparents’ fully decorated house in wide-eyed wonder. Garland wrapped around the railings and banisters; little models of Santa and reindeer on the countertops, a wreath on their front door, and so much more. Chi-Chi always loved going all out, it was her favorite holiday. 

But what really had young Pan’s attention was the big, beautiful Christmas tree sitting in the foyer, filling the house with the strong but familiar scent of the forest.  It dwarfed little Pan by several feet, but she wasn’t scared.  She loved it.  Lush green branches were adorned with ornaments of all shapes and colors. Rainbow lights twinkled in mesmerizing fashion. High above her head, at the very top of the tree, sat a big, shining golden star -- a decoration she got to add herself.

Every year, the Son family had a tradition to go out on Mt. Paozu and cut down the perfect tree. Goku knew the best spots. He always did -- even as far back as before Gohan was born. But nowadays they had to find two trees. One for Goku and Chi-Chi’s house, and the other for Gohan and Videl’s next door. 

Pan sighed. She just wanted it to be bedtime so it could be tomorrow! She wanted presents! Every minute felt like an hour to her. The little girl tiptoed around, looking for any hidden presents but found no luck. She frowned. How was she even sure Santa would really come?! She had to keep her mind off that tree and the eventual presents somehow or she’d go crazy! 

The three-year-old trotted into the kitchen to see what everyone else was up to. 

The adults were all hard at work preparing the feast. Chi-Chi, Videl, 18, and Gohan busied back and forth to create the feast. Krillin and Goku did what they could, but usually ended up making things worse so they were ordered to stay put at the dining room table. If Goku was out in the wilderness, he could cook meat or fish just fine. But using a stove and all those utensils just wasn’t his thing. 

Goku spotted his granddaughter looking around and called her over. “Pssst… Panny…”

The toddler tilted her head curiously to the side and went over to him, smiling as wide as could be. “Hi, Grandpa!” 

Goku flashed one of his signature grins in response. He then put a finger to his mouth, still smiling, signaling the little one to be quiet. Pan covered her mouth to stop from giggling. Secrets were fun!

Pan blinked as Goku momentarily glanced to his wife to see if she was watching. Luckily, she was too preoccupied. When the coast was clear, he reached into his pockets. 

“I got somethin’ for ya.”

Pan’s eyes sparkled with wonder. “What?”

 “Don’t tell Grandma, okay? It’s a secret…” Goku grinned mischievously as he pulled out a small bag of cookies. He had stolen a few when Chi-Chi wasn’t looking; the wait for the food combined with how good everything smelled was too much for him. Krillin just shook his head with a smile.

She happily took them from her grandpa and stuffed them all in her mouth in one bite. With her full cheeks puffed out, she grinned back at her grandpa and Goku returned it.

The toddler hugged Goku and smiled before trotting over the counter where Chi-Chi was cutting food and occasionally stirring something in a pot. Pan tugged on her dress lightly, peering up at her. “Grandma?”

“Yes sweetie?” Chi-Chi cooed, stopping what she was doing to face her darling granddaughter.

“Can I helps you?”

Gohan ruffled his daughter’s hair as he helped make a dish. “Pan, don’t bother Grandma when she’s cooking; we’re all working really hard on this meal for everyone. Why don’t you see what Marron and Uncle Goten are doing?” He felt bad, and spoke calmly to not upset his young daughter, but he knew more than anyone that Goten was better equipped to preoccupy her right now.

Pan pouted. “Fine.”

“Oh hush, Gohan. Everything’s on schedule,” Chi-ChI replied, making her granddaughter smile again. “And of course you can help, Panny. You can help stir for me!”

Pan floated up and gently stirred the hotpot, happily singing ‘la la la’ like she had heard her grandmother do in the past. “How long does this take? All the food is in this big bucket?” As it turned out, this wasn’t nearly as fun as she thought. 

“Should be all done in about thirty minutes.” Chi-Chi said, gently patting her head.

Pan’s mouth went into a small ‘o’ shape, trying to count how long that was on her fingers. It took her a bit to get to thirty “That takes too long. This is boring!” Pan replied.

Goku and Krillin tried not to laugh as she floated back down to the wooden floor. Their wives shot them a quick look and they both turned away, innocently whistling like they didn’t make a sound. Two peas in a pod, those two. 18 and Chi-Chi just giggled to themselves. 

Pan shrugged her shoulders, scurrying back to the living room to see if she could find her uncle. Goten always had the best video games to play! 

“Uncle Goten!! Where are ya!!?” Pan called out to him. 

No answer. Pan frowned. “Is he hidin’ from me?” She noticed the television was still on, and his phone sat on the couch. But no Uncle Goten. But then, she caught something out of the corner of her eye from the other side of the Christmas tree. 

Pan tiptoed around the tree, when she finally saw them right in the middle of a soft, tender kiss. Above their heads was a small mistletoe, hanging over the archway. In that moment nothing else mattered to them except each other.

Until...                     

CLICK

“Great shot, man.” 

The sound of a camera shuttering followed by the voice of Krillin broke the two teens out of their tender embrace. Goten’s jaw dropped, and then he just facepalmed with both hands. Marron followed his line of sight to see his father standing there, camera in hand. She should’ve expected this...

“Dad!! W-What are you doing?!” Marron practically shrieked. The blonde’s whole face went red from ear to ear, shoulders shaking. Steam was practically coming off her face. It was embarrassing enough her parents were so lovey-dovey on a regular basis, but now she got caught in the middle of her most awaited special moment with her Goten of the holiday season! 

“What does it look like? I’m capturing a special Christmas moment of my daughter!”

CLICK

Krillin  got another picture at their flustered reactions. “But that one was just for fun.”

“Your mother will get a kick out of this!” Goku added, sporting a wide grin similar to his oldest friend. 

“Grandpa! What’s that leaf over Uncle Goten’s head? Why were him and Aunt Marron playing kissy-face?” Pan asked eagerly. It looked like something she’d find on the ground before the snow came. She didn’t get why it was so special.

“It’s called a mistletoe, Pan. When two people get caught under it, they have to do that.”

“Misty Toe? That’s a dumb name!!” Pan broke into giggles again. “Uncle Goten is under a big toe!” 

Eighteen came out to the living room, ignoring the two former Turtle School fighters who were still carrying on about their kids. Marron and Goten didn’t find it so funny! 

“Marron, could you help me in here for a moment?”

“Sure!” Marron said, finally shaking off her flustered state and went to the kitchen. Any way to be away from this scenario. 

Shrugging, Goten turned on the PlayStation to kill some time. The familiar start up sound soothed his ears and he sat down to play. He let Pan play on his phone in the meantime.

“Hey Uncle Goten…?” Pan climbed up on the other side of the couch after getting bored rather quickly. 

“What’s up, squirt?”

“Is Santa Claus really comin’ tonight?”

“Definitely.” He grinned at her childlike innocence; it reminded Goten of himself at that age. “You gotta be asleep, though. He won’t come if you’re awake!”

“How does he know?”

Goten patted his niece’s head. “It’s ‘cause he’s magic, Panny.”

“Magic? Is that like how Grandma always knows when Grandpa does something bad?”

“Somethin’ like that.” Goten chuckled. For a three year old, Pan was much more aware of things than she let on. 

Coming back to the living room, Marron plopped down next to Goten, leaning against his arm. Now that she was over the embarrassment of getting caught by her father and Goku, the blonde wanted to make up for lost time. She watched him play for a bit, and then turned to him with a sly smirk. “Bet I can beat you.”

“Yeah you probably can, cause you’re a big cheater.” Goten replied with a cheeky grin, not keeping his eyes off the screen. 

“Hey! I am not a cheater!” Marron huffed, her bright blue eyes narrowing at him. “It’s not my fault you just get so easily distracted!”

“That’s why it’s cheating! You always play dirty by kissing me right when I’m about to win!!” 

“You call it cheating, I call it strategy.” 

Goten normally would never say no to a kiss from his beautiful girlfriend, but she’d always steal the win while he was still reeling from the kiss! It wasn’t fair! One time, Goten tried the same trick on her, but it didn’t quite work the way he intended. It backfired entirely, actually. As she just kissed him back and they both ended up completely  forgetting about the video game soon after that.  

Marron’s frown turned into a sly grin. If that’s how he wanted to play, fine. She knew exactly what buttons to push. “Fine. I just won’t kiss you ever again. How does that sound?”

“N-No, w-wait! I, uh...” Goten gulped. His mouth became dry, the words getting caught in his throat. He really did this time. Was this his worst fear coming true?!

The blonde giggled at his adorable panic-stricken face, satisfied with herself. “That’s what I thought, dummy. But still, lucky for you, I don’t think I could ever give this up~” Marron kissed his cheek again, leaving her boyfriend reeling as she went to the bathroom to freshen up before dinner. 

Goten put his head in his hands and let out an audible sigh of relief. “I don’t think I’ll ever understand girls…”

From across the couch, Pan started giggling. “Uncle Goten did something bad!” She didn’t really get what the big deal about kissy kissy was to begin with, but seeing her uncle all flustered like that had the toddler tickled pink.                                                  

The next twenty minutes rolled by quicker than ever, and finally, it was time to eat. 

The adults all came out carrying multiple trays and large bowls. The plates and silverware had already been set as the ever-growing Son family all took their seats around the table.

“Wait, Dad’s not here yet.” Chi-Chi said, looking worried. “Do you think he got stuck in the blizzard?”

“He’ll be here. I can sense his energy. Besides, he’s the Great Ox King! No way some storm is gonna stop him.” Goku confirmed, easing his wife’s worries. He winked at her and Chi-Chi smiled. 

And like clockwork, a few minutes later the door swung open. The cold wind blew snow onto the floor of the house, when in came a giant, jolly looking man with a grayish beard. He wore a large red coat and carrying lots of presents. “Merry Christmas, everyone!”

Pan gasped, practically standing up in her chair. A large jolly man with a big belly. Red coat. A beard. And carrying presents. That could only mean one thing… 

“Santa!!!?”

But she thought she had to be asleep! 

Chi-Chi hurried to the door to greet the man.  “Dad! You made it!”

“Hi, pumpkin!” Ox King hugged his daughter.  “Am I late? Sorry I missed the cooking, it’s like a blizzard out there! Can’t see a thing.”

Goku grinned. “You’re just on time. ” He went up to his father-in-law who brought the Saiyan into a big bear hug, followed by doing the same with his two grandchildren. 

Pan tilted her head to the side, more than a little confused. “...That’s not Santa?”

“No, honey. It’s your Great Grandpa Ox! You remember him, right?” Videl told her. Pan thought about it for a second, and the name was familiar! Her expression lightened when she remembered. Pan flew over to him and gave him a big hug.

As the adults got Ox King set up, Pan the conversation no mind as she stared at the pile of presents on the floor in awe. She gently tried to shake each box to try to guess what was inside but didn’t have much luck. 

“Mama, Papa, can I open them now??” She asked, barely containing her joy.

Gohan and Videl exchanged a look and sighed. “You can open Grandma and Grandpa’s present after dinner. The rest will have to wait ‘till tomorrow morning.”

“Okay!” Pan replied. That was good enough for her!

                                                                   And so with everyone in attendance, the feast could finally begin. 

In typical Saiyan fashion, the Son boys filled their plates far above regular capacity. Little Pan tried to mimic her grandpa and uncle and put as much food on her plate as her little hands could grab.

Krillin did his impression of Yajirobe for the others, especially Pan who never heard it before. 18 spoke her new job as a school teacher, and Videl’s new case as Satan City’s top detective, with her right hand man Great Saiyaman.

Meanwhile, In record time, Goku finished his plate and went back for more. Goten wasn’t far behind him. 

“More please!” 

“Me too!”

Father and son respectively said.

“I wants more too!” Pan said, and then remembered the thing to say that her parents taught her. “Um, peas!!”

Chi-Chi smiled. “Of course, angel.” And then turned her gaze to her younger son. “Oh, and Goten, you really should behave yourself in front of your future wife. It’s not polite to eat like that!” 

Gohan cracked a grin. “Yeah, Goten. Listen to Mom.”

“Not helping!”

Videl lightly slapped Gohan’s arm. “Oh stop. You’re one to talk, aren’t you? I distinctly remember a time when you were the one getting flustered whenever someone brought up our relationship.”

“Well that’s-”

“No excuses. You were a nervous wreck on our first date, remember? You wore your pants inside out!” Videl playfully poked his shoulder. She turned to Goten and winked. 

At least somebody was on his side….

Chi-Chi suddenly gasped. “Oh, I forgot the wine! Excuse me for a second.” She got up and went into the kitchen. She returned a moment later with a large bottle. She poured a glass for each of the adults, minus Goku and Gohan. Goku didn’t like the taste, but Gohan wanted to try it.  

“Mom, can I have some?” Gohan asked.

“Absolutely not, mister! You know what happened last time. You dressed up as Saiyaman and put a performance on for everyone!  And you have Pan now, you need to be a better influence!” Chi-Chi scolded him, but the smile never left her face.

Gohan hung his head as Goku patted him on the back while Goten snickered.  “I’m sorry. I got carried away last time because everyone was having so much fun.”

“I for one loved it.” Videl gushed. “It reminded me of when we were still teenagers~”

“R-Really?!” Gohan said, blushing. 

“Oh fine, here.” Chi-Chi caved and handed her older son a glass. After a story like that, she couldn’t say no. 

When Goten went to reach for the bottle afterward, Chi-Chi gave a stern look to her younger son that practically screamed ‘don’t even think about it!’ 

Goten frowned, dejected. Every time he tried that, and every time he failed. And now it was Gohan’s turn to snicker.

Chi-Chi couldn’t help but laugh. Even though they were grown, her sons still had that little brotherly competition. 

“Boys will be boys...” Videl said and Chi-Chi nodded in affirmation. Especially her boys. 

Krillin took the bottle next. He put too much in his glass and then downed it. 

“Okay, lisssten up! I haaaave to make an announcement!!” Krillin declared and then burped.

Eighteen sighed. “Here we go…”

Everyone stopped to listen to him, with various degrees of amusement written all over their faces. Goku most of all. He  put down his food to give his best friend his full attention. Oh, he had been waiting for this. 

“Oh no, not again....” Marron said with a fearful expression, preparing for the worst. She was already embarrassed by him once. But twice? She’d rather bury her head in the snow outside. 

“What’s the matter?”

“When my dad drinks, he gets a little too happy and starts blurting out embarrassing things.” 

Krillin cleared his throat and began to speak. “I...I looove my wife!!”

“Huh?!” Eighteen was caught off guard by his confession as if it were the first time hearing it. 

“She’s sooo pretty… And so n-nice… And so cool!” Krillin hiccuped, putting his empty glass on the table. He hiccuped again, his goofy smile only getting larger. “She acts real tough, but… she’s a.. She’s a biiiiig softie! Like a---”

Eighteen covered her husband’s mouth before he could finish, her face turning the same crimson as her daughters did earlier as everyone laughed. “Krillin, s-stop it you idiot! W-We’re in public!”

“S-Stooop what? The party’s just getting started.”

Eighteen handed him a glass of water to get him to sober up before he blurted out something else. It didn’t take much to get Krillin loosened up, but he sobered up quickly as well. 

That big dork, blurting out something so embarrassing like that. She had a reputation to uphold! How was she supposed to freak Trunks and Goten out if they knew her ‘stone cold’ persona was just a big act?! In her own mind though, Eighteen swooned. But she wasn’t about to let anyone know! In public at least. 

Dinner wrapped up soon after. Not a single morsel was left over. 

“Time for presents!!” Pan said and then plopped down on the carpet in front of the tree, 

At the sight of her daughter, Videl’s couldn’t help but feel giddy. She was the same way at Pan’s age, and Pan’s joy was absolutely infectious. 

“This is a special present from me and Grandma.” Goku handed his granddaughter a large box. He wrapped his other arm around Chi-Chi and she rested her head on his shoulder as he kissed the top of her head. Nothing was better than being altogether as a family, watching her granddaughter open a present on Christmas Eve 

Pan ripped off the wrapping to find a plain white box inside. She curiously stared at it, and even shook it to try to hear what was inside. It didn’t sound like a toy, for one. Hearing nothing, she slowly took off the lid. 

Instantly Pan gasped. 

It was a small, red colored martial arts gi with matching belt and wristbands, and small blue fighting boots. 

Pan’s first gi. 

“This is the bestest present ever!” Pan’s entire face lit up like a star. “Can I go try it on?” 

Pan flew upstairs with her new gi, returning a few minutes later wearing it, still beaming. “Look at me, Papa! I look like Grandpa!”

Pan couldn’t be happier which made Gohan and Videl happy. 

“Oh, Pan, look, there’s something else in here.” Gohan pointed to the red object poking up of extra wrapping paper.

Pan then came face to face with a small red pole inside a sheathe, tied with a fresh rope. “What is this?” She stared at the mysterious item, confused. She liked it; it felt familiar. “Is it a baseball  bat?”

“No, sweetie, this is the Power Pole.” 

“Power Pole?”

“It used to be my grandpa’s. He gave it to me when I was little. And I took it all over the world looking for the Dragon Balls. I almost lost it a few times, but it always found it’s way back to me. One way or another. It was only natural to pass it onto you.”

Pan put the Power Pole around her shoulder. With a puff of her cheeks, Pan flexed her muscles. For the first time, Pan felt like a true fighter. 

“You look just like me!” Goku knelt down and held out his open hands. “Give it a shot.” 

Pan looked to her father, who nodded. Smiling, the toddler punched Goku’s open palm. 

“Yup, she's my granddaughter alright.” Goku grinned. “She’s got some serious power behind that punch.”

“Next present!” Pan exclaimed.

“Nope. Sorry, Pan. The rest have to wait till tomorrow, remember?” Gohan said.

“Aww, okay. But I bet those wont top this!” She waved the Power Pole around. It was best they didn't tell her it could grow just yet. 

Throughout the night, the sound of laughter could be heard coming from a small house deep in the woods. It could still be heard echoing in the valley, late into the night. Inside, the room was aglow with the love that is shared between family and friends. 

Pan’s first Christmas Eve was truly a night to remember for them all. And one she would never forget.

[clumsyclifford]

bella I would love a directors cut on literally any of the rilex you’ve written, but specifically it’s always her, and you, and me, or for these days you’ve been stuck in my brain 💙

OHHHHHH those are some CHOICESSSSSS lucy. fuck yeah. let’s get into it. ill link them both here but we’ll take em one at a time

it’s always her, and me, you

these days you’ve been stuck in my brain

here’s a cut for convenience cos i KNOW i’m gonna go long here.

okay! let’s start with the rilisex fic.

it’s always her, and me, and you

so like it says in the ao3 notes, this fic came from realizing just how frequently rian and alex kiss each other like, all the time? just? casually? for funsies? this was another one of those situations like i mentioned where the hook aka first line (“Rian's no expert, but he doesn't think normal friends kiss this much.”) just appeared in my head and i was like heyyy that’s a GOOD first line. i have to build from that line. that’s the hook, that’s the summary, that’s the core. 

something i discovered upon searching through the editing history of the doc: i had originally sort of intended to go a direction with this where in some other circumstance, rian would see alex giving jack a super casual friendly kiss and he’d get all sad/jealous and be like sure why SHOULDNT alex kiss jack after all its just a thing he does with his FRIENDS. but the fic ended up going a different way and honestly? im glad. i like this way better.

the role of singin in the rain in this fic actually has a HILARIOUS backstory because the night i originally wrote that conversation in the tour bus kitchen, i went into the club and said the following

and then. the next day. rian streamed with ricky, and i asked if he’d ever seen singin in the rain, and he ANSWERED ME and said he hadn’t. so first of all i had already written the scene and i then had to rewrite it to make it so rian wouldn’t have seen it but also!!! i literally asked rian fucking dawson if he’d seen a movie for the sole reason of using that information for fanfiction!!!! and he provided me with the information i needed!!!! whole thing is just fucking hysterical to me. ANYWAY.

ANYWAY, the other reason why sitr has such a big role in the fic is because megs and i watched the movie together while i was in the middle of working on the fic, so it was extremely fresh in my mind. in fact i can probably show you this: i had this comment left for myself when i was kind of trying to figure out if i could make a real metaphor of sorts with the sitr ot3 and the Big Three of this fic. some of this ended up in rian’s wild musings in the hotel scene but i did conclude that it wouldn’t really have worked and that was definitely true but anyway. fuck it, director’s cut, here’s the kind of shit i leave for myself to refer to

so that’s part of the reason why it became such a puzzle piece of this fic, but real talk, it’s also just because i love singin in the rain it’s one of my favorite movies lmao

briefly gonna also touch on lisa and why she’s in this fic because i realize that rian/alex/lisa is an interesting approach to rilex! first of all, i love lisa. i love alex and lisa. and it occurred to me that there was really no reason to split lisex up just to make rilex happen. plus there’s this tweet that really just pushed me over the edge of being like yeah, rilisex is extremely plausible. so that’s that on that.

as for the scene in the hotel room while they’re watching sitr, there is a small piece of that scene - from when alex starts kissing rian’s shoulders etc to “it would defy the laws of nature not to” - that i actually wrote before anything else in that scene. that small piece got stretched out and edited quite a bit from how it started but it did function as a sort of foundation around which i built the rest of the scene, because that small section sort of ~came to me~ absolutely out of nowhere, and i really liked the Vibe it had and i wanted to include it. i THINK that was the only piece of this fic that i wrote Out Of Order - for the most part this was written chronologically.

ALSO!!! omg this is exciting, this fic actually has a deleted scene!!!!!! i hate cutting scenes but i also hate having scenes that are less than 1k and this one didn’t really contribute much to the fic. i can probably share it here right? sure why not ! hopefully you can read this. it originally took place after the scene where alex and rian call lisa for the first time. the question of “what gets left into interview videos and what gets cut” is also just interesting to me as a (fic) concept in general so...eyes emoji, but here’s my mini-exploration that i cut from the original fic. enjoy lol it’s silly <3

oh! also one more thing!! the very final scene was included for two reasons. the first reason being that when i write getting-together fics, i really prefer to add on a scene After they Get Together because i love to write domestic established relationship stuff and i think that’s a satisfying reward for a reader who’s just slogged through all the mutual pining and bullshit to get the characters together. but the OTHER reason is that i got an anon (here it is!) and i read that ask and was immediately like well shit. now i have to fucking include this. for the anon and for myself. so you can thank that anon for that last scene. (also i wanted to include merrikat especially since i had to cut their little moment in the interview scene above.)

so....................whew. i think i’ve bled that fic dry. holy shit that’s a lot of Stuff. OKAY! let’s move on.

~

these days you’ve been stuck in my brain

so!!! THIS fic was the breakthrough after (what felt like) a long bout of writer’s block. long for me was maybe two weeks, but i am the kind of person who is always writing, and two weeks was a long time to go with little to no inspiration/motivation to write anything. i had also been in a weird narrative headspace because i’d been binge-watching disney shows (jessie > austin and ally > girl meets world) and i don’t know how well i can explain this but the way those shows are written is a lot snappier and cares way less for realistic and consistent character development or plots or relationships, and so i was stuck between caring a lot about including those things in my fics but also being unable to conceptualize them in writing because my brain was in Disney Writing Mode. does that make sense? this is rhetorical so let’s go with yes. so anyway. i was in a slump

actually what i ended up doing was basically googling something like “au prompts tumblr” or something and just scrolling through posts. i saw something about soulmate telepathy and i actually tried to write something totally different before i wrote this one, but the first attempt was a different concept and then the direction i took it was like......it wasn’t quite right and i realized that i was kind of writing dark disney style? there is really no way for me to explain what i mean by that because it seems really obvious to me but that’s just because i’m inside my own head so just take my word. 

anyway. attempt #1 of soulmate telepathy rilex went poorly, and this fic was attempt #2. i kinda took the soulmate telepathy thing and changed it as i saw fit and i also went back to skim helen’s telepathy fic because obviously she’s the pro and then i tried not to steal her ideas. and as i was writing it i kinda realized i was doing the whole quirky funny best friend character with jack and also doing the whole “somehow this not-very-dramatic situation with teenagers is treated as The Most Dramatic Thing Ever and that’s totally normal and nobody finds it strange” disney trope with rian and alex being soulmates and i was like (deep sigh) i have to accept that no matter how much i try to fight this, this fic is going to be tainted with disney. and that’s life

on top of that i will add that the real-life rilex were extremely inspiring during the two-day period during which i wrote this fic, because that was when the once in a lifetime video came out and in the brief pre-video livestream rilex were Beyond Married and that definitely helped in the writing of fic rilex!

hmmmm what can i tell you about this fic itself.................honestly, i don’t think there’s much to tell! rian is a band kid because in real life rian was a band kid and he’s staff manager at rita’s just like he was in real life. there is truthfully not a lot to unpack here that i can think of!

oh here’s something i guess: rian and alex go on a date in this fic! that is because watching So Much Disney made me realize that i often forget the fact that people just. go on dates. sometimes. look i clearly do not have an active romantic life but i also really liked the idea of alex and rian going on a date despite not knowing if they’d be soulmates or not and liking each other organically just by getting to know each other, rather than being victim to the whole soulmate thing. like i wanted them to build a connection so that they would want to be soulmates. and then the audience would want that for them too. stakes!! very important.

i can tell you i had a mild crisis over the title of the fic because i am not a fan of the word brain and i didnt wanna use that sticky lyric for the title when it had a word i hated but it was objectively a much better title option than the other one i had, which was “sticky just like the song in my head” but i obviously decided on the former and it has not upset me nearly as much as i expected it to so that was the right decision imo

so! i think that’s all on that! sorry (?) that it got so long although then again i don’t know what’s to be expected in a director’s cut for two long fics but thank you for asking me about these, i love them both so very much rilex is so supremely underrated but so very important

[botls]

meeting tltm cast 9/29/19

seeing hadestown parts 1 and 2 and meeting the hadestown cast

please send me an ask or message me to ask anymore questions!!

my plan was to screen record the whole thing to hear all the conversations back but apparently screen record doesn’t pick up sound or my phone isn’t updated idk but i now have a lot of silent videos of me freaking out lmao

i didn’t actually see the show but i stage doored bc i saw hadestown that day and after dinner the timing worked out that we were still on 48th street when tlt was ending so i went and if you are someone who is upset by that i am deeply sorry but i will not be responding to any criticisms of my life decisions at this time

sam leicht:

but anyway since i wasn’t seeing the show i was waiting by the side of the theater earlier and low and behold who walks out but fucking sam leicht and i literally got so starstruck but i could tell he was trying to leave before the rush and he was so focused on getting out i didn’t stop him or anything because he wasn’t stage dooring and i didn’t want to bother him in case he didn’t want anyone coming up to him but i saw The Legs in action and can i just say Wow

izzy figueroa:

izzy came out right at the beginning and i cheered for him but nobody else did rip i would have asked for a picture but he was clearly looking for somebody and then he found them and they were hugging and left so i just let him be

sarah beth pfiefer:

sarah came out first and i was so so so happy to see her she is such a cutie and an icon she had a plaid shirt around her waist i wanted to bow down

ryan knowles:

next ryan came out and he was so smiley and so fricking tall it was insane i met timothy hughes and ryan knowles in the same day and even though i was wearing like three inch platform shoes trying to fit us both in the frame was an issue both times jagsgsjskwlw my live pic of us includes me going “😬 i’m too short”

james hayden rodriguez:

james came out next and everyone YELLED so loud and like so did i but right after the noise died down i hadn’t realized and at the top of my lungs went “OH MY GOD” and everyone laughed lmao but anyway he was so friendly and after our picture when he was talking to the next girls that i had lowkey become friends with i was like “i LOVE the good kid reprise” and he was like “yeah thanks i love singing it” and then the girls next to me and i were just talking about it and we were like “it gives me life” and he was laughing and stuff cutie

kristin stokes:

KRISTIN CAME OUT NEXT AND I ACTUALLY ASCENDED OH MY GOD so right before kristin the costume lady came out and she was wearing a super kristin-style dress so at first i thought she WAS kristin when you see her walking through the gate but when the door opened and she stepped out everyone like. sighed disappointedly and she was like “yeah sorry im just costume design” and i reached out my hand like “WAIT NO YOU DO A GREAT JOB” lmao like. she really does thank you queen for giving annabeth a choker but anyway kristin came out and me and the girls next to me were talking about how gorgeous her outfit was and oh my god her makeup was SLAYING she’s a QUEEN amongst us then when she was talking to us one girl was like “i love your outfit” and she was like “aww thank you” and i said “yeah for real i live for your little socks” and then she did this little curtsie/dress lift thing it was precious and then just like that it was over and i was like i. just met kristin stokes. what the fuck

chris mccarrell:

next it was CHRIS and holy shit i love him more than anything he looked so cute and for every person i had been helping all the people behind me pass up their playbills and get whatever pictures they wanted so as i was grabbing all the playbills to pass up and stuff chris was like “aw look at her making sure everyone gets their stuff they want signed” my heart started beating double time like !! chris mccarrell thinks i’m a good person????? i can never do anything bad again so then he kind of started moving down the line and i reached out my arm like “WAIT NO can we please get a picture first” so he said “of COURSE” and he like. THREW himself back over i have the live picture of him zooming into frame it is so cute and funny and then i told him “i love your shirt i LIVE for that” and the girls next to me were like “yeah” and i think one said where is it from or maybe he just decided to say like i missed this part bc i was grabbing someone’s playbill for him (by the way i got to TAP CHRIS MCCARRELL ON THE SHOULDER AND SAY “wait do you mind signing just one more”) but anyway he was like “thanks i think it’s from....cl-uh-clarence outfitters? wait uh urban outfitters?” we were all laughing and i was like “yeah i think it’s probably that one” and he smiled right at me while nodding and was like “probably” WHAT a cutie the whole time that he was out i couldn’t stop saying “wow look at his floofy hair” and him, kristin, and jorrel def all heard me at least once each oop

jorrel javier:

jorrel came out and to be honest it was so overwhelming because him and chris were going opposite directions and they got to us at kind of the same time so the second chris left - enter: jorrel and i was still reeling from chris so i just remember trying to make my brain work by like “hi ohmygodiloveyoupictureplease” he obviously said yes and we got the smileyest pictures ever he is so cute and smol in person i was the real life uwu emoji he made some joke about chris looking good or something bc chris was right behind the camera and i have my live photo of us laughing and me saying “honestly” so that’s the cutest thing to ever happen to me 

but anyway yeah that was it!! it was honestly one of the best experiences ive ever had, like i said, i wasnt originally planning to stage door at tlt so as for seeing and meeting the cast of hadestown i at least knew that was happening and had time to (somewhat) come to terms with that mentally but this was sprung on me so randomly and im SO glad it was! im trying to go see it this winter but ive honestly lost hope on seeing this show so many times in the past that i kind of saw this as my possible one chance and i took it. after i was so overwhelmed that i sobbed on my way back to penn. this cast and show has meant so much to me from the beginning and seeing it had disappeared from my realm of possibility so many times that actually meeting them in person was straight out of a dream. so many times i thought it was closing, so many plans to see it that fell through, and finally getting to meet them just doesnt even feel real despite the pictures and videos i have literally proving it. i am so grateful to have had this experience that im sure i will remember forever. each and every one of them was so sweet and personable and genuinely seemed to enjoy being out there. i love them so much and now im crying again i have to stop 

[fmddevin]

woosh !! so i was trying to keep my ooc identity a surprise until now, but apparently i was stupid and y’all found out before i could get this up so...yay!! anyways, i’ll try to keep this short and simple! i’m jada, and this is my second baby, and the last for a while - mr. daein “devin” kim! he’s 23, the lead vocal & lead dancer of impulse, and an overall mess. he’s got a lot to work out, but i’m excited to see what i can do with him and how he grows & develop! he’s a little more on the chaotic side than micha is, but don’t let it scare you off! i swear i’ve got a plot page coming really soon, like tomorrow, but in the meantime - here’s his profile & bio! i’m more than happy to plot with you, though, so like this for me to hop in your ims!! trivia & some hawaii event ideas / general plot ideas under the cut.~

ok let’s get this started!! i promise to try to make this short & sweet as possible (but you know i’m jada so-). but before i wrote daein’s profile i made like a....3 page bullet summary of what i wanted him to be, so i’m going to be inputting some of those here!! so if it sounds a bit rambly...you know why!

if you’re just here for the event thread ideas, scroll down towards the end, where hawaii event ideas is in bold! <3

born on march 24th, 1996!

parents koreans from seoul, korea. met through a study abroad program @ their college, fell in love with each other and the us! had baby daein, who got plopped in the middle of tampa, florida!

his whooooole childhood felt like he was living in isolation. being one f the only asian-american kids on the block, he definitely felt like an outsider. when he’d bring kimbap, kimchi, or tteokbokki for lunch, they’d always look at him all confused like?? what is that

it made him sad bc he always had felt like his different was a good thing, and he’d been raised to be proud of his culture, but apparently not??

as a sidenote kid misheard his name in middle school and was like “devin?” and he was like “sure that’s it” and started going by that outside of home ever since bc it made him feel more american 

just throughout his whole childhood he was ridiculed for being different, which was really the start of his obsession with other’s satisfaction and being like everyone else!

so he took matters into his own hands, but in the worst way possible. during this time, he went against everything his parents had taught him and essentially rejected his korean culture. he stopped bothering to learn the tidbits of korean they were trying to teach him, never brought up his culture, and kind of distanced himself from his parents. he always was trying to bring up some excuse for why they couldn’t come to events because he was always embarrassed about their english and how different they all looked compared to everybody else. just...not a good time and his parents were very upset w/him

anyways onto happy times!! middle school was when he discovered his passion for dance, hip hop in particular. he would always be so amazed by the dancers at the boardwalk performing and decided that’s what he wanted to do!!

sOooOo he originally started off as being self-taught through videos on youtube, but eventually his parents agreed to let him dance if he a.) promised it wouldn’t mess up his grades and b.) he paid for them his own

and he did!! it was Hard but he made sure his grades were in check & picked up a part-time job at the ice cream parlor near his house to get money. it was minimum wage and he had to wear a cheesy apron with this ice cream cone hat but anyways

he could only afford one lesson a week at the community dance center, but it taught him a lot!!! where he discovered his true passion for dance, and tbh spent more time there than anywhere else

eventually!! he joined a florida dance crew and that’s when his skills really blossomed and people started taking him seriously, basically was there until the beginning of high school

tw: drug and alcohol addiction!

and then high school is when it...all came crashing down. being such a people pleaser, he fell victim to peer pressure. he was scared of being looked down again, because by now he’d formed a name for himself and was pretty popular. so, to continue blending in, started getting heavily into drinking and drugs and just...not good, because he grew really dependent on it and started losing his enthusiasm for everything else. it’s something he continues to struggle with a lot, although it’s mostly drinking nowadays and the only drug he’s involved with on a regular basis is weed?? but he has relapsed and that’s a major reason he needs people around him to keep him stable!!

also the dance team wouldn’t let him back in bc he failed the drug test and his drug spiral just got worse because he had nothing else to focus his energy on.

it was the only thing that really made him feel something other than dance, and now that he was spending all of his money on it he couldn’t even do that.

tw: drug and alcohol addiction - end!

he partially discovered his love for singing after the months he had to go w/o dancing. he really started to enjoy it but only in private because he was Embarrased of what others would think so

his parents were tired of his bs because he was a junior now and they were basically like we’re tired of the people we hang around and you need to be around family, so for spring break they sent him to seoul!!

boy was hEated alr. like i said, wasn’t a fan of his culture, he had to leave his friends who were all going on fun trips, & he knew NOTHING - not the language, the people, anything.

but when he got there??? kind of actually enjoyed it. he got to meet family he’d never met before, picked up a little of the language, all of that. but hongdae??? - that’s what made him really excited.

he never thought of korea to be a very exciting place, until he went there. there were so many other talented dancers and he felt so at home, but unlike in florida, they looked like him!

so this is where it gets a little funny lmao. his family refused to fund his habits but he wanted to go to a club while he was there to have fun and impress girl??? so basically, he went to hongdae, and tried  busking for some extra cash. and he LOVED IT!! for a reference he freestyled to turn up the music by chris brown lol

and it was real fun!! he genuinely had a really good time - but right before he left some random ass man left him a little slip, and he was like ??? and then he asked him his name, and daein barely understood what he said and in english was like “hey i’m devin??” and when the man realized he was like yes!! and daein was like no??? but took the slip anyways and turns out it was an invitation to a gold star audition!!

the second daein read it said kpop he essentially was like “lmao no” and just threw it in his bag. so he went home, and kind of forgot about it all, until a few months after he got home. things weren’t really looking up for him and he really wanted to continue his dance career, he just didn’t know how. he didn’t get accepted to the college he wanted to because of that time his grades had plummeted, and it was hard to land a stable dance job. & his parents were like look if you don’t make this dance thing happen we’re going to throw you into a business job with a suit and tie u need money

and daein!! hates!! corporate!! so he was like hell no and decided to give this idol thing one last chance

so - he submitted a video audition to gold star, and low and behold!! he made it!!

even though this was his saving grace, he really didn’t know what to do about it. because i mean he loved tampa, and he didn’t want to leave?? but when his parents heard the opportunity they were ELATED because they knew dance was the only thing that really put his focus on good things & they wanted him to be in korea with his family and all that. so!! they were like DO IT. and he really had no other choice so he was like uhhhh i guess

flash forward to the end of may!! right after the end of his junior year of school in tampa, he moved to korea to start training. since he had a pretty good experience during spring break of the year before, he expected his life to be better than he’d expected!! but...it was really hard. since he had to live there, and he was only 16, he felt really lost w/o his parents, and his only real family there were his grandparents and cousins he barely every said hi to so that sucked

tw: depression and light substance abuse!

around this time was when he developed signs of depression, just as he started training. because it was when he really discovered that he couldn’t please everybody, something that he’d strived to do his whole life. 

he lacked a support system & didn’t have anyone really close to him to make the transition better, since his parents were back in florida and he could barely hold a conversation with his family in korea. this is a big reason he remained dependent on drinking especially, because it got him out of his funk and to temporarily forget about all that was going on.

because of it, daein started getting less sleep, eating less, and all that. gold star noticed it really soon and got him in touch with a psychiatrist, which, eventually diagnosed him with depression. but it’s not something he goes around telling everyone, he has some evident signs but he probably wouldn’t openly tell more than a couple really close & trusted friends. but gold star has been monitoring his mental health to make sure he’s okay mentally. he takes medication but?? it doesn’t do him much good but they’re always hounding him about it so 

like i said though, he’s a very independent person so he doesn’t like to feel like he’s a burden, which is why he doesn’t want others to know because he feels like they’re gonna pity him!!

tw: depression and light substance abuse! - end

bc of his more tan skin (back in the day from florida, not really anymore) and broken korean, he felt like a foreigner, but also people would mistake him for having korean nationality whenever they would talk to him. so he felt like he couldn’t really fit either mold, because he was out of place in korea and florida. but!! i digress

he felt like he was kind of thrust into who’s next: origin story because by the time it started he had only been a trainee for...4 months?? like it’s crazy & he clearly wasn’t ready, a major reason for him being on the losing end, but he had the loveable foreigner thing going on so he did get a good fanbase!! even though he was criticized for his short training period

i doubt he was a favorite among the trainees because he’s REEEEEALLY introverted,,, especially in social situations where he’s not the most comfortable with people in so i don’t think he was super talkative.

 a big reason he has trouble on variety shows now!! it’s not that he doesn’t like but they’ve kind of turned it into a “mysterious” thing, which is fine to him if it mean he doesn’t have to talk as much

also he hated it because he constantly had to dodge staff & other trainees whenever he wanted to drink or smoke so he was probably always trying to find a way to sneak out when they had any kind of free time

he got a lotlotlot better at singing during training though, though they’re kind of forcing an unnatural tone for his voice which is making him strain and can’t be good for him in the long run but marketing!! so. anyways he loves singing a lot more than he did before, he’d always expected to be just a dancer but they unleashed his potential so!! that’s one thing he really enjoyed about training

basically he’s been marketed as the “sexy foreigner” and he kinda hates it ngl. because while he never was attached to his korean identity, the more he’s been here the more he’s just wanted to be the same as everybody else?? so that’s not helping with anything. he’s always kind of laughed at for being clueless when a joke flies over his head, made to say things in english ALL THE TIME, just all that. it really gets on his nerves bc nowadays he just wants to blend in and they’re not making it any better!!!

it may sound confusing but basically: as a teen he rejected his korean identity to blend in with everyone in florida, now he’s in korea and wants to be known as less of an american to blend it. it all comes down to him wanting to be like everyone else is nearly every aspect!! 

since he feels like he cheated & got to debut way too easy than some others, he’s been trying to develop his creative and performance skills so he can get more credit and make a name for himself due to his actual abilities rather than just,, him being american lmao!! also trying super super hard to get as good as he can at korean

tw: drug and alcohol addiction!

he still has some trouble getting around & he still feels lost, but he’s trying his best. struggling through his alcohol addiction, which bc is mildly aware about but really trying to keep quiet and he’s been on the verge of leaving more than a few times. but as quiet as he is about it, he really relies on his members a lot to keep himself afloat!! so he appreciates them putting through his shit a lot of the time more than he'll admit.

 tw: drug and alcohol addiction! - end

but rn he’s getting better, slightly, focusing more of his energy into music than anything. he really wants to get into the songwriting industry to get a name for himself on his own instead of just being known for impulse!!

just  as a fyi since it’s a bit confusing his birth name is daein, he went by devin when he lived in america, but he goes by daein again now that he’s in korea, but his stage name is still devin and that’s what his friends from america call him. he prefers to be called daein nowadays, though, so that’s probably the safest best!

also this has not been short at all but anyways

hawaii plots!

he likes to drink & get high way too much and what better place than to do that then on vacation?? he’s been trying to stop, but look, it’s vacation and he’s unwinding and if your muse is down they can both have fun!!

such. an. introvert. even more than micha, because 80% of his interactions by choice come from his group?? but i would love to get him some new friends (especially since he literally has none right now lol)

he’s a bit of a hoe ngl so!! hookups are accepted, that’s the one time he’s not afraid of striking up conversation!!

he’s in the red team so like micha, if you’re members in the red team he could use some buddies to be with!!

someone to explore the island with during the night!

general plots!

he lives in an apartment my himself atm, but a roommate would be lovely!! he needs someone to put him out of his funk, anyways. 

drinking buddies ofc

trainee friends? someone who wasn’t put off by him being super quiet and befriended it and he’s super grateful nowadays? 

give me all the angst & romance because he’s a handful, seriously, phew

besties!! someone that makes him soft and happy bc there are few people who make him super happy & excited, so someone fill in the gap!

[lostinprocrastination]

So I just got home from Endgame and I got some things to say (spoilers ahead, tagged as such):

1. ALL THOSE FIERCE WOMEN HOLY SHIT THAT SCENE!!!!! Make a movie (or two, or ten) focused on Marvel heroines NOW pls!!!! (And get Lupita too when she isn't busy doing awesome stuff with Jordan Peele pls and thank you.)

2. Clint and Nat's friendship is so intense and pure I can't even take it

3. Incidentally, I liked that they didn't really retcon that awful Nat/Bruce nonsense, because that would have been even more ridiculous, but scaled it waaaaaaaaay back to put laser focus on her connection with Clint instead. I used to ship them back in the day and when it was revealed he had a wife and kids - who she actually knew and was friends with, if I remember correctly - I was kind of pissed, but it was so much better the way they did it... A depiction of true, incredibly committed and loving relationship without any hint of romance/sex sends a really powerful message. They are just wonderful.

4. Rest in peace, Nat, you beautiful soul. I love how she's platinum blonde right after the events of Infinity War, but then five years later she has long wavy hair with her natural red color and the tips are still blonde because she doesn't have time for hairstyling bullshit. It's those little details that made me appreciate the movie even more.

5. What sucks the most about Nat dying is that now we can be 100% sure that the Black Widow solo movie will be a prequel/origin story and at this point is it really necessary? I mean, I'll still watch it, but it should have been done YEARS ago.

6. Another detail I loved was how skinny Tony is in the very beginning when he's in the ship with Nebula and then when Carol gets them to Earth he's weak in a wheelchair with and IV. The hairstyle and makeup and probably graphics teams really nailed it in this movie.

7. Speaking of Tony, r.i.p. Mr. Stark. You really had a heart afterall.

8. Anytime an Avengers or Iron Man movie comes out I say this, but regardless of how you feel about Gwyneth Paltrow, you have to admit that Pepper Potts is a fucking goddess, and that her chemistry with RDJ is off the charts. (And he *was* Mr. Potts and NOT the other way around, wasn't he?)

9. I don't think Iron Woman movies would actually work, but I wouldn't object to seeing her as an actual Avenger in the next movies.

10. I think I was the only one in a cinema full of youths and elderly people, because even though the thought had obviously already crossed my mind I laughed out loud when Tony called Thor "Lebowski", and I'm not exaggerating, literally no-one seemed to have gotten the reference except me. WTF.

11. Oh, and I gotta say, if they ever do a Big Lebowski prequel (I hope they don't because these things rarely work, but Hollywood never seems to have original ideas so it's possible), it's Hemsworth for The Dude or don't even bother. Thor is ACTUALLY The Dude in this movie, and I love how he's still pretty fat when it ends and he makes Valkyrie Asgard's queen (which, you know, AWESOME). Another win for the makeup and hairstyle department on this one (I don't think they used CGI on Thor, to me it looked like Hemsworth was wearing a fat suit).

12. If only Natalie Portman would get off her high horse and be Jane again...well, there's still at least one opportunity.

13. Was that really Rene Russo (oh wait a second...) playing Frigga? Because if it was there was some serious CGI going in there. She looked younger than in the first two Thors...? Actually, younger than The Big Hemsworth tbh

14. If (As)Guardians of the Galaxy 3 is just Quill and Thor bickering while trying to find Gamora I'll be delighted. Get Taika to direct and Goldblum back somehow and I'll be in heaven. (Although isn't Gamora actually for realsies dead? Or because they prevented Thanos from getting the Soul Stone that was reversed?)

15. I was already upset that Evans was short-haired and beardless in this movie even though he was in full gorgeous glory in the couple of minutes he appeared in Wakanda in Infinity War and the post-credits scene in Captain Marvel. Did they really have to make me actually watch him shave though? Russo bros, you are terrible people who love to make me suffer.

16. What a GORGEOUS sendoff to Steve. I kept thinking he was gonna be killed, yet he came back an old man having spent his life with Peggy. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it, and left the cinema right after that last shot of them dancing in the 50s. Only a couple of minutes later I remembered there were supposed to be two post-credits scenes and I was already gone, so...if anyone cares to tell me what they were or have a link to videos of them I can watch, please hit my inbox!

17. Is Old Steve Joe Biden? I mean, the makeup was, again, very well-done, but geez, guys, be less obvious with the references lmao (also Steve would never be toutchy-feely, so, you know, no soup for you)

18. I'm gonna assume Carol's hairstyle is a reference to Annette Benning's in Captain Marvel.

19. Let's be VERY clear here: Thanos only managed to punch her because he used the Power Stone, because otherwise she would have kicked his sorry ass right then and there.

20. OF COURSE Steve was worthy of Thor's hammer, I mean, c'mon.

I'm sure I'll think of many other things after I post this, but for now that's what I have. SO. MANY. FEELINGS.

[ryouverua]

Trial 5 - Post-Execution

Investigation 1 / 2 - second half is where I put my own theories that I penned before playing the trial.

Trial: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8

Pre-Execution

;’’’) That’s a good look on you, Monokuma.

what this no i’m not crying you’re crying shUT UP

Have any other executions ended with the corpse literally landing in front of them in the trial room? I feel like this is a first???

uUM

K.... K1-b0? Buddy? Are - uh - are you okay? You’re looking a bit.... ?????

A-ARE YOU THOUGH -

Uh, okay??? So I want to go over Kaito’s execution and be upset about his death and everything but suddenly, this? This came out of nowhere??? also skldfj they took the ahoge off his sprite too omg

Crap I badly want to mourn Kaito for a while and yeah this is taking away from that but I don’t exactly want to not address K1-b0 literally BSoD-ing in front of us -

Oh! Gloating! I’m good for gloating too. Rub it in his face, Sweetcheeks. You’ve got my full backing here.

Normally I’m against kicking someone while they’re down but KICK HIM! KICK KICK KICK! I’m so down for this collective group smack-down.

Man, this Monokuma has been so much less in control and emotional than the previous Monokumas. I mean, the competition is pretty stacked - last Monokuma was literally the god of his world and an omniscient being that pervaded their entire ecosystem with one exception - but between throwing up a second motive in the first chapter, getting ‘overthrown’ by Monodam ** (even if he ‘went on vacation’ and this entire chapter, this ^ guy is barely hanging on by his teeth.

** I just realized the whole ‘Monodam takes over the killing game’ may have been bloody foreshadowing for this chapter sdlkfj

Monodam even got pushed to his limit for all of a whole chapter/killed two Monokubs and even though Kokichi didn’t directly kill them, he does have Gonta and Miu’s aka two classmate’s blood on his hands even with the most charitable look at chapter 4′s events before both Monodam and he ultimately take actions to end their own lives

this has been another mini-episode of ‘I read into things too much’

ANYWAY quietly skips over everything but the most pertinent Monokub dialogue, don’t mind me ~

Who would though, at this point? .... K1-b0, depending on what’s going on with him right now?

Shuichi is so pumped up thanks to Kaito and Kokichi’s teamwork! This has to be what Kaito was hoping for. Kokichi probably wanted to win the trial in its entirety, though...

Something about him saying ‘you’re certainly entitled to your opinion’ is incredibly grating and hilarious. It’s so.... passive-aggressive and banal? So un-Monokuma? I feel like behind the plushie, someone is pouting with their arms crossed tightly and just grumbling to themselves. They can’t even muster up a whole ~despair~ rant right now.

SWEETCHEEKS SWORE :O

I want to make a fun reference to Saimota but then I remember Kaito’s corpse is still warm on the ground a few feet away from them and I cry

LMAO IT SWITCHED TO A SILENT K1-B0 IMMEDIATELY AFTER....

K1-b0 isn’t about to like... become a killing game enforcer or something??? Like, completely flip his switch? fml this silence is dangerous

blah blah blah monokubs do their ‘cute’ schtick and I get tired of it, anyway -

oh great, it’s the sprite I blocked out of my brain up to this point

DID MONOPHANIE JUST DRAG ME

Please put away the tongue when they leave ffs

Aaah damn it, here comes the hammer. D:

Participant......... and then he mentioned about it going on for a long time, so.... a cycle...??? If Rantaro is repeating it, does that mean they’re all repeating it...??? The same sets of personalities/memories/talents, in new bodies every time or something - ? Is that an idea I should follow -

FFFF DID MONOKUMA JUST FLASH US

YES, PUN FULLY INTENDED SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE THOSE JOKES IN MIU’S ABSENCE

yeah hilariously while I was starting to think more about his statements Monokuma literally surprised me just like he surprised Shuichi and the rest of them lmao

Meanwhile Sweetcheeks is just twitching beside her, possibly even foaming at the mouth -

YEAH WHERE’S THE NEXT SET OF MEMORIES, BUDDY

anyway he talks about despair and hope again, I glare at the yellow text with tired resignation, etc

It really does sound like it’s something that’s repeating when he puts it like that, right??? And with Rantaro’s video - what is this, a test simulation of the gopher project or something?

Another wild theory appears - the original students with the talents Makoto/Hope’s Peak wanted to preserve, or for whatever reason digitized their memories/personalities/talents (think Gonta Alter-Ego) died - or were ‘hunted down’ aka the Ultimate Hunt - and in their place they pick up 16 ordinary kids to give them to, possibly by force. Or hell, maybe not, if Rantaro remembers and said something like ‘you wanted this’, though wasn’t that in regards to the killing game???  And then... they set up a simulation? Maybe? To test their viability? .... The question is who introduced Monokuma to the whole thing. Is that part of the test, or was that the cult sneaking in... and if the students really are ‘easily replaceable’, are they just picking up new ordinary kids as replacements? Are they looking for an outcome where they can defeat Monokuma? If this is a simulation, does it operate under the same rules as the NeoWorld program, where they die in real life?

Eeh... not sure how I feel about this. It feels like it has holes still. 8′D

ffffffff

!!!!!!

Aaaaw....

I mean I think we knew after the deductions in the first chapter but yes, mastermind confirmed - ! And -

WHAT

NO

WHAT

NO

WHAT

N O

W H A T

please go away

I-I MEAN... YOU REALLY DON’T.... HAVE TO...

BANGS HEAD AGAINST WALL

asdlkfjsdl why junko WHY MUST YOU BE BACK

So I was going to put this at the end of the post but then A LOT OF STUFF happened at the end of the chapter and it... doesn’t really fit there....

Okay... t-there is a second option. I mean, Junko could really be back for the third (fourth? do Shiro/Kurokuma in UDG count?) time and I really hope that isn’t the case fff - but ‘Junko’ facing away from us for a reason, right? Which means it could be someone dressed as her, right? Even if it did sound like her seiyuu...

But out of everyone left, assuming this isn’t happening at the exact same time/immediately after the trial... well, I mean, out of everyone alive, two people could be in Junko-dress right now, right? Both Maki and Tsumugi could fit, and considering we haven’t gotten to look at Tsumugi at all and her talent... I’m heavily leaning towards her.

..... except.................. cospox though. Crap. Hmm....

I think... I could maybe follow up on some of the speculating I made in this post? About Junko being elevated to a larger-than-life figure in history? Maybe there’s some leeway in there, in the same way that we have historical figures that end up being featured prominently in fiction, or even become warped/satirized in various ways because they’re so removed from us in our current time... and perhaps Junko has become more than a person in that same way, or even more than that, a title/role that can be inherited and passed down? Is it possible to get around cospox that way? It would fit in with her early Chapter 1 comments - let me see if I can dig them up from my old posts - ah this one, here, if you want to look at it. i also am totally into what she’s saying if you’re wondering why I remember this so well lmao

If she is from the cult... and this is a parallel to Angie, who constantly spoke about being a conduit for Atua’s message, Korekiyo, who was just a vessel for his sister according to himself, and Kaito, who literally acted in Kokichi’s place............. maybe....... this could work........... ????

...... except I don’t know if it’s enough of a stretch to get around this. I MEAN. MAYBE IT IS. MAYBE. I could just be stretching reeeeeeally far in order to avoid an inevitable Junko returning. maybe i just want to see the power of the ultimate cosplayer since it’s a hobby so dear to my heart idek

Whelp it doesn’t matter the scene is moving on without me anyway so 8′D

FUCK NO MORE TRAINING TIME OR TRAINING JOKES OR STUPID TITLES FOR THE TRAINING POSTS THIS IS THE WORST TIMELINE

Man I really love the close connections Shuichi has to people in this game. Maybe that’s why I’ve been enjoying it so much? He recognizes his classmates and what they have to offer, sure - but he’s a regular kid. He’s got his favoured connections, and the people whose deaths he feels more powerfully than the others, and the reactions he has to everything around him... well, maybe that’s my own bias because they really resonate with me. I don’t usually have much of an interest for audience surrogate characters (I don’t dislike them, I just, you know, don’t adore them or anything) but - and I know now that this is a divisive topic - I really like Shuichi’s personality. I really do. And I think he has one. He’s a quiet guy - he keeps most of his thoughts on the inside - and I get that for a lot of people, quiet = no personality, but the way he has responded to a lot of the situations that have come up previously have both been different than what I’m used to seeing from ‘protagonist’ characters and, erm, pretty... familiar to me personally and that has been a bit of a shock tbh. seriously what’s with this - same birthday, same blood-type, same hobbies, likes and dislikes, same Best Boy, etc....

I’m not sure where this tangent is going tbh, but I guess I’m sorta gearing up for next chapter? We don’t have many people left to work with. 8′D Kaito’s gone, Kokichi is gone, and all we have left are a collection of differing quiet personalities. It’s going to be very, very different, that’s for sure.

“Oh yeah I forgot this turned into a group activity like, three sessions in.”

“I mean, you did too by poisoning them both, but that’s neither here nor there.”

I am being a bit harsh on her though - to her credit, she seemed initially confused about why he was blaming himself (despite him repeating all the things she said to him during the beginning of the trial). There’s no one left to connect them now and she seems to have realized that - they’re going to have to finally do the heavy work themselves.

Like Chapter 4 Maki, I feel like she’s speaking in that same roundabout way she did when asking about Shuichi’s interest in Kaede. “Are you lonely too?” or even, “do you need someone to talk to/be with who understands how you feel?” She still has a lot of trouble being forthright but it’s great that she’s taking the initiative, especially after her earlier confession.

I hate to say it, but I think Shuichi may have ended up in a similar state as Ryoma after Chapter 1 if he was left spinning his own wheels...

Solidarity. 8′/

!!! 

For all the things that he did... fml I can’t think of anything better. He spent so much of his time trying to bring you both out of your shells!

I wonder if Shuichi is including his entire class in there. It was only a few days ago that Kokichi said he considered them all friends too. Also Korekiyo hilariously enough

omg they’re still so painfully awkward but it’s so sad and relatable and they’re trying to start building a bridge without Kaito acting as their support...

Ooh! This is the first time they’ve been approached aside from Tenko in Chapter 3, right?

Aaaw he’s so happy to see them. 8′)

YES!!! New team training! New team training!

Yes this is exactly what they need to do after the trial! They need to stick together! ... Now where the hell is K1-b0???

quietly skips over Tsumugi telling us we won’t lose to despair because I am stubbornly clinging to the time before hope/despair was brought back up -

- Sweetcheeks why

so much goddamn hope

But I’ll allow it because it’s leading to an overdue cheesy friendship speech and after the tragedy of chapter 5 I need that right now.

Though... hm. I was sort of hoping Shuichi and Maki could hash out some of her actions in the last trial, or Maki would offer some kind of apology. Would that have happened if they weren’t interrupted?

Yeeessss new image! I love it! Also lmao Himiko maybe you’d manage to finish one if you took the big bulky hat off...

Good - a commitment to keep living is important, especially from Shuichi. Now the majority of you are carrying someone’s wish, huh... except Tsumugi, unless you count Gonta maybe. I figure Miu could count for K1-b0, though I guess that’s a bit of a stretch too?

fuck my heart had been ripped out and stomped on, especially with the flashback to third chapter training:

.... See you, Space Cowboy.

Now fade to bla -

..... Huh.

I’m glad one of you is concerned after what happened. 8′/ I’ll excuse Shuichi and Maki because they have every right to be distracted by grief but between you and Himiko you couldn’t keep an eye on him?

Because seriously, none of them know where he is. And there is no way that’s a good thing.

BUT SOLIDARITY!!! also robophobic!!!

Well that’s an ominous way to end the chapte - oh never mind it’s not over??? What, three ‘epilogues’ this time? Not that I’m complaining because I’m happy to extend the trial for as long as necessary but jeez -

K.... K1-b0???

It was lost after the accident??? So it wasn’t just programming... a... a transmission then? So it really was some sort of antenna...

Wait that makes it sound like you weren’t just using it for guidance but actually being controlled by it?!

More hope and despair references -

Music change???

Wait, dude, what do you mean by that -

What

WAIT WHAt ARE THOSE TURBOBOOSTERS

HE CAN FLY?!?!

UM EXCUSE ME WHERE DID THIS COME FROM

Kokichi was dying to see all of these cool functions and only now when he’s literally dead do you show them off? RUDE

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK K1-B0 THERE ARE STILL LIVING STUDENTS DOWN THERE

MISSILES TOO -

OH WOW UM OKAY THIS WAS NOT THE QUIET CONTEMPLATIVE END-OF-CHAPTER SCENE I THOUGHT WE’D BE GETTING DEAR LORD

dON’T YOU ‘END TITLE’ CARD ME, GAME

a;sdlkfja

i

i forgot this

happened at the end of the

chapter

oh god

skldfj

ugh, ghghhgh

cool thanks sweetcheeks and I will cherish this forever,,,

...

assuming he survives long enough to

[imagineleonkennedy]

Thoughts on the RE2 Remake as seen at E3 2018

So it’s finally here, and people have all kinds of opinions I saw that last night haha Here are some my thoughts on it.

First of all let’s get the big question everyone is asking me out of the way.

Do you like how Leon looks in the remake?

Eh, this is probably the most accurate answer I can give at this point to be honest. I personally think it could have been done better (considering my very personal taste) but at the same time it’s still better than the original and it also could have been a hell of a lot worse. As for Claire, I saw a lot of controversy about her outfit, that I don’t fully understand yet, but surely people have their reasons. But honestly, the looks of the characters really don’t matter that much to me, since this is a remake and not a new installment to the series. So with that being said, what matters more to me is the atmosphere of the game and the gameplay, which brings me to the next question I have been asked.

What do you think of the camera being over the shoulder?

Well, I think this way the game probably becomes more immersive, personally I have no problem with it, we have been used to this now for a few RE games already, so it’s an okay option I’m happy with. Though I would not have been bothered by fixed camera angles. Just to get that extra nostalgia feel. But this is okay, and was kind of to be expected so I’m not surprised.

Did you like the scenery?

I totally did! I think it looks great, and is so so important for that atmosphere I was talking about earlier. For me personally, since I played the game back in ye ole days when it came out, it is important that I actually recognize it. And so far I did, it felt quite familiar. It looks very dark and dusky, which I like and it creates a very familiar “old school” Resident Evil vibe. I love it.

What do you hope to see that we didn’t in the trailer?

The original theme music. Please please please, I love the Resident Evil 2 OST, it is one of my all time favorite video game soundtracks. and it, once again, adds greatly to the atmosphere. My favorite track is Ada’s theme, which I pray to all the gods will play when she makes her appearance (QUEEN). As far as other hopes go though, I keep them low for now haha there is more than half a year left, a lot can happen in the meantime.

Is it okay that I didn’t like it? :(

Yeah, absolutely. It’s totally fine, just don’t stress yourself over it. I know that’s difficult since a lot have been waiting for this for a long long time, and if you saw it and were disappointed, that’s a legit thing to be upset about. Just keep in mind, whether it was the character design, the scenery, the camera angles, the gameplay, or the overall look of it, it’s only a remake. It’s not the law from her on now.

What were your first thoughts upon seeing the trailer?

Relief, lol. I was certain that if they don’t show it this year, at E3 or GamesCom in August, that it would be pretty much dead. So I was expecting it and was super relieved when it actually happened.

Are you excited now or same as before?

Ehhhhh, I’m definitely looking forward to it. I personally think that it’s going to be a great experience. It will be fun to see what kind of easter eggs and throwbacks they might add and if there will be new story or details to the existing storyline. I’m maybeeeeeee 76% hyped haha

Finishing Thoughts:

I think it’s gonna be good, and I’m happy it’s coming. Of course you can disagree with that. LIke i said it’s taste based and you can be legitimately upset about it. Last night after the trailer launched, I saw that a lot of people liked Leon’s looks and almost an equal amount didn’t. Well, personally, yes he me boi, but, again, I like the game more for the game itself rather than what Leon looks like in it because, he was not all that handsome in the original lol And keep in mind this is 1998 Leon, I remember 1998 no one was perfect looking back then except maybe Whitney Houston. If you feel bad about how he looks, always remember, this is him now

Quite a glow up.

Let me know, by adding to this post or sending me messages, what you think and what you hope for! What did you like what did you dislike? I’d love to know. So all in all, I hope you have a wonderful day, and got something positive out of this. If you read all the way to the end, wow that’s impressive I probably wouldn’t have lmao but thank you :)

[lizacstuff]

Asks

Under the cut you’ll find a sampling of the asks I’ve gotten since yesterday. If you are upset about cancellation or love Lana, I’d advise you to skip. 

Anonymous said:

Hi Liza - sorry if this is a dumb question, but I don’t quite understand how pilot season works. Can actors that are still working on OUAT (e.g. Colin) audition for and act in this year’s pilots? How would the timing on that work? I remember Jen saying she was only able to do the OUAT pilot b/c the HIMYM producers flipped things around for her. I’m hoping Colin can get into this round of pilots, but afraid he might have to wait until next year…

Not at all a dumb question, and I’m certainly not an expert, but I think timing is the issue.  Since he will not be under contract next year, he technically can audition and throw his hat into the ring. However, actually getting time off to audition and more importantly shoot a pilot, if it shoots prior to April, would require his current job being flexible and giving him time off.  Just as HIMYM did with JMo and is why she is always talking about them in such glowing terms. The same goes for the entire cast.  Obviously, the show can’t make allowances in the shooting schedule for everyone, we’ll have to see what happens.  Right now Colin is still under contract and his first duty is to the show. 

Anonymous said:

omg apparently colin liked everyones goodbye post (even the problematic eb) except lp’s post lmao

I’m guessing that is an over sight, Colin doesn’t strike me as someone who thinks that hard about what he likes on social media. 

Anonymous said:

I think you are right about Colin, that he would leave after this season no mether what. He does not seem sad, his answers on twiiter was preety cheerful all day

It’s true, he has seemed very cheery. However, Colin also doesn’t strike me as someone who overly expresses himself on social media. He seems to present as upbeat and happy no matter what. (I did notice that his post was just about the only one that didn’t effusively thank A&E.) 

Anonymous said:

Hey, I’m seeing so many posts from not only the mains but also recurring/guest stars talking about how grateful they were for OUAT. This is the first time since I’ve gotten into fandom that a show I follow has been cancelled and I’m curious if that’s common, especially for guests? I’ll say this much, I’ve been so upset and bitter about this show for the last several months that seeing all the love for it has reminded me how good it once was and how blessed we were with CS and a lot of the cast.

I assume it depends on the show and the circumstances surrounding cancellation.  Most of the shows that I’ve been super invested in that then came to an end late in the run, were before social media made it easy for the actors to respond directly to fans.  This show is probably special because of the large online fan base, the huge number of guest actors that have come and gone and the generally happy experiences they all seem to have had on set.  

I agree that we were very lucky with Colin and Jen and the original cast.  What a ride!

Anonymous said:

Am I alone in thinking it odd that Lana has yet to post anything about the cancellation? Even EdR, JMo, and Robbie Kay have made comments about it being grateful for their time on the show and none of them are in it anymore.

She was pretty much the first one to post, check her Instagram.

Anonymous said:

I’m kind of at peace with the whole news today. I did get a good laugh out of a tweet I saw that said at least Lana will have a lot of time for cons now. I wasn’t sure if it was an ironic tweet or not.

Ha! I think the only way to tell if it was serious or not is to see if it was posted by a Regal.  Her fans don’t have any sort of sense of humor about her, so if it’s one of them, they are 100% dead serious and think meeting with them at cons is a soaring career path.

Anonymous said:

I think you hit the nail on the head in saying youre relieved. That was my feeling too. I didnt watch S7 past 7.02 and feel such joy over the way CS got sent out. From my observations, nothing in S7 has tainted that happy end and has made rewatching S1-6 that much more special. And its great to know they wont have time to give WHook a love interest. I hope A&E will take this opportunity to wrap the show up well, whether that involves the old characters, new characters, or both. I still love OUAT

Yes, I’m with you. I hope they wrap up the show well and give Henry an appropriate happy beginning. My followers know that Henry is not my favorite character, but I would hate it if S7 did not give a character who is so important to Emma (and Killian) an appropriate send off into the future with a chance at happiness.  

Anonymous said:

And here we go again l***’s fans are tagging popular show to get her roles. It’s like the ellen show all over again.

Oh that is hilarious.  It didn’t work trying to get her on a talk show, do they really think that casting directors are going to put her in a high-profile role on the recommendation from evilboobs38 on twitter?

Anonymous said:

I think we are about to hit the pilot season. How’s ****’s resume looking atm?

Well the last seven years will have but one line item. We’ll have to see how she does, I begrudge her no success, but will believe she’s destined to be the next Meryl Streep (as the manipulative shit-stirring troll claims) when I see it.

Anonymous said:

Waiting for their “inside sources” on what’s redacted’s next project would be lol

I don’t know, something about her last vacation has me thinking she might next star in a fitness video with her personal trainer/travel companion…

Anonymous said:

Did you read what the weasel eddy said that fans didn’t have to watch the season in his interview of the show being cancelled. I’ve literally never saw writers be so dismissive with their fans. Ugh wth is wrong with them.

 And

@bravebuttercups said:

Did you see the interview with E&A about Once ending after season 7? There were some particularly bitter/underhanded moments…but I’ve come to expect no less from them.

There were some decidedly questionable responses. However, I think most of them were from Eddy. Adam seemed able to control himself and was pretty diplomatic and gracious, it’s Eddy (it’s always Eddy) he can’t help but let his butthurt show. I think Eddy doesn’t know how to react to that sort of question, so he just dives directly into defensive mode and goes to the petty Emma Booth place of “don’t like it, don’t watch!”  I suppose he can do that, since the show is cancelled, he can be petulant with fans without fears of network reprisals.

Anonymous said:

Well, the Lana stans weren’t wrong. Lana did carry the show on her back. All the way to cancellation.

Oh man. Like I said earlier, this cancellation is bittersweet because it feels like the end of an era, but I will never get tired of Lana jokes.  Can I also add that I LOVED that TVLine used a solo photo of her in character on their cancellation story.  Fitting.  She’s the face of this season’s failure.

 Anonymous said:

It’s bittersweet for me. I’ll always love and be grateful for S1-6, and S7 as an extra, if I’m feeling happy, but this show needed to die before it got ruined further.

Yes, that’s how I feel as well.  I’m relieved that it looks like Captain Swan will escape unscathed (knock on wood) but I’m also feeling very nostalgic.  I had some really good times watching this show and getting excited for spoilers and fangurling. It was the best.   

Anonymous said:

Is it bad that I’m thinking that now Once is ending, we might finally get some talk and insight about any bts drama?

You never know, someone might eventually spill some juicy gossip.  However, I kind of doubt it.  People like JMo, Colin, Josh and Ginny have too much class. Also some of the juiciest gossip is already out there, you just have to know where to look. (Google Emilie DeRavin and Tom Ellis)  

Anonymous said:

Hey Liza, do you think they knew they were getting cancelled when they did the hot seat interview? Still trying to figure out if those bitter answers we got about anything Hook related were because of Colin, or if now maybe they were just bitter in general.

No, I don’t think they had official word of cancellation when they did that interview. Just my opinion.

 Anonymous said:

I totally think Ginny and Josh will return, whether it be present day, flashback, vision, etc - I just have a feeling they will make an appearance. They’re actually closer to A&E than any of the other cast members and I find it hard to believe that they won’t be worked into this season.

I guess we’ll see.  Eddy’s comment in Variety about not wanting to ruin any of the happy endings they’ve already delivered made me think we wouldn’t see Snowing or Captain Swan.  

To be honest, I prefer they don’t return.  I don’t want anything to have even a whiff of ruin, and the timelines of S7 are so wonky, they might do that if they show CS and/or Snowing.  If Henry, Regina and crew spent 8-10 years circle walking in the faux Enchanted Forest, I don’t necessarily want to see CS and Snowing 10 years after 7x02.  When it comes to them, I prefer to think of it as 6 months after 7x02 and they are just about to have their baby.

[madzilla84]

how are you xx

Thank you for asking, anon :) I appreciate it!

I suppose it’s as good a time as any for an update. The short version is - Fine, I Guess; the most important thing is that I have food and supplies and am safe and comfortable and as far as I know, so are all the people I know.

Here is the long version lol, because it’s me. 

Real life bit: We’re now into week 5 of working from home, and the last time I went further than the end of my street was over a month ago. I’ve settled into a routine of getting meals delivered semi-regularly (I hate cooking, so it’s kind of a blessing that local companies have started doing affordable, delivered meals in the middle of all this, as opposed to expensive, unhealthy takeaways), and popping to the corner shop for essentials the rest of the time. I guess the last time I spoke to another human aside from on zoom/in the corner shop/waving at delivery people was like. mid-March? when they sent us home?

Despite all that I do feel okay; I joke about having trained for this but the truth is, I kinda have. I already spent most of my non-work time at home and have always lived alone, so I haven’t had to adjust to that. Still, removing really the only social aspect I had in my life - going to work - has been a bit strange. I feel okay now, but I do wonder how difficult the re-adjustment will be when we eventually return to the office - or if we ever will, if they decide they don’t want to pay for the buildings when they maybe don’t need to. We’ll see. I feel like I’m also going to have the stamina of a newborn horse when I start venturing out again; I’ll have to take it slowly. I do quite like working from home, but I don’t want to, like - develop agoraphobia or something, you know?

I’ve really been loving all the special events people have been putting on; both for charity and just to lift peoples’ spirits. I actually think I’ll miss those, and hope it encourages people to keep doing things like that.

All in all, I think I’m pretty fortunate compared to many. I can work from home, I have access to food, they haven’t stopped my pay, I’m not separated from people I’d usually see … it’s not, like, *fun*, and I would love to just be able to resume normality, but realistically I think it’ll be a pretty long time. I was already disappointed about Vidcon but in all honesty I think 2020 is a wash, and probably a chunk of 2021. If it ends up happening I’ll be shocked; I wouldn’t be comfortable going and I can’t imagine they would be either. 

Just gotta get on with it, I guess.

Fandom bit: I DUNNO MAN it’s really all over the place. I have days like Sunday - usually when something disappointing happens or it’s just a bad brain day or whatever - but sometimes, there’ll just be a day when I feel Fully Done; I posted the I’m Straight Up Not Having A Good Time meme the other day but sometimes it really do be like that. (Two memes for the price of one.) I think about taking a break but it never sticks for very long. (I realise I sound a bit like Bender’s ‘I’m Running Away (And This Time I Mean It)’ note from Futurama)

I looked back in my 2018 diary recently and found when I decided to buy my II tickets; it was right after GTPWTW came out. I was already following them, watching vids etc but I wasn’t like - *in the phandom*, y’know? But getting more into it all just as II started was the best and worst time; for the rest of the year we were *so* spoiled (not that we knew it then) and I loved it and just got more and more involved and inspired and was enjoying everything so much - and then it all ended. (Usual disclaimer, before anyone comes for me - of *course* I love and appreciate Phil and his content and am not discounting it in any way; I’m talking about the joint vids and the insta stories and the tweets and the gaming channel and just like acknowledging each other’s existence and Dan being alive.) I - actually don’t remember how much I got into how much they’ve inspired me and helped me, but yeah, and I wasn’t at all prepared for it to be over. I certainly wasn’t expecting 2020 to be like this (in any way).

Sometimes I think I should move on from it, if it’s making me feel this bad on the regular, but I don’t seem to be able to. Animal Crossing has helped recently, and I’m probably going to dive back into another older video game fandom of mine to help, but, like. I dunno. On those bad days I think to myself, Am I A Fool? Am I just sticking around like a sad, jilted ex waiting for - what? Something that will never come? Just reliving the old days over and over? Why do this to myself? It often makes me so anxious and I start catastrophising and like, I joined originally because it made me happy and it was fun? It’s not like I *enjoy* feeling bitter and upset?

And, okay, I know we’ve had this conversation a literal million times and there really is no point any more, but I just wanted to put it out there that there are still regularly days when I am just so damned *sad* about it that I can’t enjoy it on any level. At those times, I don’t want to read fics, let alone write them. I don’t want to watch vids. I don’t even want to look at cute gifs or whatever because it all just reminds me that it’s over. I don’t think Current Circumstances are necessarily making it worse because I was definitely feeling it last year, too, but it certainly doesn’t help that during this time they’ve been, somehow, even more absent than usual.

But then! Other days are much better; I can do all those things and enjoy them a lot and just appreciate that they exist. I have a good time on here (and sometimes, even, on twitter, now I’ve muted like 2/3 of the fandom lmao). I don’t love how those days seem to be getting fewer and further between for me at the moment, but maybe it really *is* the state of the world. I dunno. I guess what it boils down to is that I *do* still care about them, way too much perhaps, and sometimes wish I didn’t because it would make this easier. (How do you switch that off?) 

I ended up leaving my last fandom not because of the dearth of source material - the very nature of video games is that you go years and years between content - but because the fans were awful, except for a small minority (the folks I still keep in touch with). The opposite is true here; I know the phandom has a Reputation but I haven’t found that to be true, mostly - this is probably the nicest fandom I’ve ever been in, and that has definitely gone a long way to keeping me around - I would miss everyone too much. (Obviously every fandom has its bad eggs, but I have curated my experience a *ton*)

I know for many folks they actually couldn’t really care less what D&P actually do and are just here for the fic and art, and I wish that was me but it isn’t (not that I don’t value those things immensely, y’all are carrying the fandom on your backs).

And, like, it really doesn’t take much to cheer me up, lol. Remember how good the first week of April was? Unexpectedly? Things can change on a dime. And yet, while I know that, I’ve also gotten fully used to disappointment and have stopped hoping for good things because I’m just - tired of it. I’ll probably read this back when I’m feeling better and be like, god, what an overdramatic ass (like you might be thinking right now), but that doesn’t help at the time. I’m sure my real life brain problems fully inform how I feel about all of this, too, I’m well aware of that.

So, sorry for writing all that out! But it’s just how things are. I can’t see it changing any time soon, if it ever does, so I guess I need to learn to deal with it better or just - find something else. Except I don’t want to. Which perhaps makes me an idiot.

And the cycle continues.

[problematic-camren]

LAND, specifically Lauren, said in an article that they were in a better place, and they hope and wish Camila is too. And that's all that matters. They also were upset with that one interviewer that called them 'divas' and tweeted about it. Something about people shouldn't pin women against women. But now they shade the former fifth member? I'm having a hard time, please enlighten me on this matter man, I trust you.

I actually have said everything I needed to say in my previous posts, but because you asked nicely, I’ll share one last opinion about this issue. (This is the last one because I’ll be busy for a few days, and also, this shouldn’t be a big issue, really, and I don’t wanna talk about it anymore after this.)

Okay, so…

Whether they have moved on or are in a better place now, they still have a right to share their story. Just like celebrities releasing tell-all books years later, or Taylor swift (whether you like her or not) making music and videos about her shit, 5h are people too with a story to tell. They have a right to share their story.

A few points:

• the facts are simple: Camila left the group. What they showed us was symbolic of their group losing one member. What’s shady about that? It’s just plain facts. It’s not news. A member jumped off. They lost a member.

It will be shady if they gunned her down or pushed her into a pit of snakes or did a mockery of her name or anything. But no, All they did was show a two second frame of a fifth member falling backwards, and then all of them falling backwards later on.

Let’s NOT invalidate what 5H have gone through when Camila left the group by calling it “shade” or “unnecessary”. It’s like saying that one side in any history stories/books is unnecessary coz it’s shady. Imagine if we get offended by the stories of the aborigines and how their lands were stolen from them, coz past is past, they should move on, and they should just be quiet about it. I’m not saying Camila or 5h are colonizers lmao, it’s just an example of how there are always two (or more) sides to every story. And both are vital to be heard in the shaping of history.

Yes, maybe they could have chosen other ways to tell their story, but let’s be real, whether they choose to do an interview, or they wrote a book, or they cry their eyes out in front of a camera as they share their own experiences, people will still find something to hate on. People will still call them shady, one way or the other.

Their intro was nothing new to us. They didn’t even serve new tea.

Yes, it could EASILY be deemed shady, but it also could easily be interpreted as a simple telling of a story. Like I said in my previous posts (linked below), there are always two (or more) sides to a story. Camila gets to share her experiences through her album (her hurting and her healing), and 5h, by principle, should also be allowed to share theirs. And a member jumping off is not shade. Because Camila basically jumped off their ship.

And people saying that “Camila didn’t shade them, they shouldn’t shade her”… Guys, Camila left them. Of course she wouldn’t be shady. She already had the upper hand (she has a dream team, she had established her network, she had successful collabs, she had a pet project on the works), she didn’t need to be shady because she’s busy living her life. (And no i don’t hate her for it. I’m actually happy that she’s found her freedom because I know how it feels to suffer mentally and be trapped in an unhappy space where your soul couldn’t flourish. I get her.)

• they’re now in a better place, accdg to Lauren. So that means they have come to terms with their pain. Some people avoid issues when it’s still too raw or painful for them, once they get into a place where they have accepted their situation and are ready to move on, they also have the option to talk about it or face it. (Like Camila avoiding finishing IHQ because it was too painful for her, and then finally coming to terms with it, and with that healing came the writing process, and then her sharing the song to all of us. We all have our interpretation about IHQ, but it’s her story to tell, regardless of what our interpretation is. She’s free to share that experience).

Again, a fifth member jumping off the stage which is a direct reflection to Camila leaving the group, for me, isn’t shade. It’s their own narrative. It’s their story, how is it shady to tell your own version of the story? It’s not even a tell-all. It’s a simple fact we already know. That Camila left. That’s all the intro was about: They lost one member. That’s all.

And maybe it’s unnecessary for us, but maybe it’s necessary for them. Sometimes, to fully move on, we have to lay all the cards on the table. Them showing that part of their experience (Camila leaving/ “Camila jumping”) is probably their way of telling us that they lost a member and now they’re stronger than ever. It’s a simple flow of the story. A story should have a beginning and an end for it to make sense. The beginning may be painful or offensive to us, but it’s THEIR STORY TO TELL. Maybe they needed to show us the beginning, so they could show us their end (or a start of a new chapter).

Call them shady bitches, it’s your prerogative, but even Lucifer has his own story. Even a villain has an origin story. Even The Joker has an origin story.

And just because one side has decided to share a part of their history, doesn’t mean it’s a direct attack to the other side. Sometimes, we just have to tell our story. Coz we’re all humans. We all have pain and we all have our own experiences of the same moment or situation.

I hope I was able to explain my thoughts properly. And I hope that we find it in our hearts to understand 5h, like we tried to understand Camila when she left the group. I know some of y'all may feel offended or hurt because we all are protective of our idols, but the best way to see through a person’s pain is by trying to put yourself in that person’s situation, and try to imagine how it would feel like and how it must be like to live through that experience. Empathy and compassion will make us less defensive and less hostile because we see and understand a different point of view. It may be hard to understand at first, but if we try to dig deeper, we might be able to see the bigger picture.

Nobody is a villain here, just a bunch of stories for us to read.

A reminder that I Stan both Camila and 5h. It’s possible. We may have favorites, but it’s possible to stan both. Just acknowledge that all of them are not perfect, and it’ll be easier to not hate anybody.

And now I’m really done explaining. Lol. Please guys don’t send me anymore asks or arguments. Let’s breathe.

Goodnight!

https://problematic-camren.tumblr.com/post/164695995823/5h-on-vmas-2017

https://problematic-camren.tumblr.com/post/164701721638/im-so-done-with-yall

[aftgonice]

11 questions tag

I was tagged by a lot of people, I kept this in the drafts for weeks and just kept adding questions since they’re always different, so thank you for tagging me and sorry if this post is long (I’ll just put it under keep reading).

Also it might be that I forgot or missed someone who tagged me so if that’s the case I’m sorry I’m not ignoring you I promise!

Rules: 1. Always post the rules 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you 3. Write 11 questions of your own 4. Tag 11 people

Questions by @severeminx

You are hosting a dinner party and can invite 5 historical figures. Who would they be? Mozart, Da Ponte, Aristotle, Lucretius, Marie Skłodowska

What was your favorite cartoon as a kid? probably Pokémon!

What’s your signature drink when going out? Japanese ice tea

Do you have any tattoos? If not, would you like to? i don’t have any and i also don’t think i’ll ever find something that i want on my skin permanently, but we’ll see if we get there i guess

Who was your favourite classmate when you were 16? oh god...thank god this didn’t ask when i was 17 lmao...anyway my fav classmate was my then-BFF. there were also a couple of girls i really found interesting but i guess it wasn’t reciprocated so they always only hung out with a bigger group and being the shy person i am i couldn’t let myself try to be friends with them

How did you meet your best friend? we were in kindergarten together lol, but we didn’t talk (play??) much. then we were in different classes during elementary school but we got in the same class again in middle school and that’s where we became friends

Do you like going to museums? What is the art style you want to check out the most? okay i’m going to admit this here. i like museums, okay? but i’d rather see something like a natural history museum or something like that, honestly i’m a big science nerd and i don’t get as excited about art i guess. but i do go to art museums when visiting cities and i actually find them really interesting, but if i’m just in my town and there’s some temporary art exhibition i just don’t really care about going unless it’s something suuuuper famous :/// i feel like a lot of people will hate me for this buT LISTEN SCIENCE IS IMPORTANT GUYS

What feature or quality do you get complimented on the most? are we talking physically?? people like my hair and my nails I guess. If we’re talking personality-wise then idk, they tell me I’m good at listening (which I admit) and my bff told me he thinks I’m brave and I guess I understand why he said it but honestly I still don’t believe it

What is the most romantic place you have ever visited? I’m not sure because since watching YOI the only romantic place on earth for me is Barcelona and I haven’t been there yet lmao. The places I’ve been to aren’t exactly romantic so I don’t know

What would you define as ‘magical’? That thing that your mind does after 1 or 2am when it becomes more loose without needing drugs but it just gets high on lack of sleep and you’re suddenly really talkative and funny and you can have really deep conversations with people and your jokes are honestly on fucking point and you wish you were like that during the day

What is the most expensive item of clothing you have ever bought and was it worth it? I honestly don’t know oh my god. Probably the suit (pants + blazer) I bought a few years ago and that’s still good and whenever I have to be dressed in a “serious and elegant” way that’s what I go for. So yeah it was worth it.

Questions by @yakoucchu

 The piece of makeup that you always wear. i don’t always wear it but if i wanna put on a bit of something then it’s definitely gonna be mascara + lipstick (or colored lip balm) because I think they both make a ton of difference. Actually now in summer I almost always have colored lip balm from Lush because it’s too humid to be wearing mascara and I don’t feel like wearing a waterproof one lol

If you’re gonna be the author of your favorite series, what are you gonna change in it? well that would be a spoiler lmao but i guess i’d make someone who died in it live

There’s a fact that is happened to you and it makes you heart warming a lil bit when you think about it? you mean besides YOI and captive prince? cuz that’s all i can think about lol (there’s more but i’m being lazy with my answer sorry)

 Someone have ever done something that we can define crazy for you? yeah when my bf first came to visit me and we met for the first time (because we met online)

Do you like your current occupation? i’m unemployed but i’m “working” on being able to find a job soon but tbh i have food and a roof on my head and i’m needing this time of doing nothing but trying to take care of myself so i wouldn’t say i like this but it’s all i can do now

Smoothies, or Milkshakes? smoothies

What’s the thing that you love the most about yourself? hsrghsghshgshgsh most difficult question ever tbh. i like that i’m...rational? yeah rational 

The most strange thing that you ever tried to eat grossed you out? ummmmmmmmmm watch me get a lot of hate for this but....................................................sushi grosses me out and i almost puked when i tried it

Are you ever tried to write something, and after a while giving it up? Why? i did, a lot of things actually. i had an idea for a fic that i realized was going to do me more harm than good so i had to ditch the idea. there are things i know i could write but they’re too personal and still too raw so idk if i ever will write them. other WIPs are just there in my folder for no other reason that I either lost inspiration or that they’re honestly fucking hard to write and I still don’t have all the plot 

How do you feel right not? If I said to you “you’re doing great” it can change something? i’m struggling to keep my shit together. and yes, it changes something so thank you a lot for telling me that :) <3

What’s your favorite movie? idkkkkkk i rarely watch movies but of the latest ones i guess interstellar

Questions by @crescendotayuri 

1. what’s one thing you could never live without? my phone lmaoooooo so cliche

2. what’s your favorite part of your daily routine? probably right after managing to get out of bed, the moment i finally sit down for breakfast with a croissant and a cappuccino (typical italian breakfastTM)

3. what are you most passionate about? ...yuri on ice and captive prince and lgbt+ rights and the environment

4. what’s the best dream you’ve ever had? I don’t really know but sometimes I dream that I become internet-famous and it’s really sad that this is literally one of the best dreams I have lmao

5. happiest memory? I have a few but one of them is seeing Florence and the Machine live (i have others but they’re a bit too personal so idk)

6. are there any videos/jokes/etc that never fail to make you laugh? oh god yes........i’m so lame but like any meme will have me laugh tbh. kermit meme? i laugh. dude blinking meme? i laugh. spongebob meme? i laugh. i could go on lmao but i’ll stop embarrassing myself. there’s also a few comics that I have saved on my phone and they never fail to make me laugh but it’d be hard to explain them here

7. one talent you with you had/could perfect? it’s never been my wish to be able to draw but now that i’m into fandom i guess i would like to be able to do it at least a little. and i wish i could perfect my writing (or at least perfect my English at a native speaker level so it’d be easier)

8. a song you relate to the most? Help I’m alive - Metric

9. how do you take your coffee/tea? i only have cappuccino or latte macchiato and only rarely espresso. get american coffee out of my sight. tea is earl grey usually without milk bc i mostly use tea (without sugar) to stop me from wanting dessert lmao but if i’m feeling like it i’ll take it with milk bc it’s too good

10. what do you do to make yourself feel better when you’re sad or upset? i rewatch yoi or go on twitter and hope there’s some good memes but i trust my squad so yeah usually there’s something

11. what makes you proud of yourself? being a decent person despite everything

Questions by @pllsetskyonice:

1. What’s a song you can’t get enough of at the moment? AAAA it’s too hard to choose one! Just one yesterday by Fall Out Boy and literally every song from Lorde’s Melodrama

2. If someone asked you for a book recommendation, what’s the one book you would recommend? The question is trickyyyy because obviously not all books are for everyone especially if we’re talking about stuff with major trigger warnings etc etc but if I have to say I’ll just go with my fav trilogy Captive Prince (granted I’m talking to an adult) but I’ll leave it to them to decide if they’re up to reading it or not

3. Do you play any musical instruments? Nope :( used to play the piano and then stopped like the idiot I am, but I sing

4. Book or movie? Book

5. Do you ever wish you could turn back time? Eh. I guess.

6. Favourite subject in school? Science in whatever form it came (it was different things every school year but it doesn’t matter if it’s geology chemistry or w/e I’m just a huge science kid)

7. You’ve been given tickets to a concert for an artist you’ve always wanted to see live but never had the chance to. Who are you seeing? Maybe Marina and the Diamonds but there’s so many oh my god I also wouldn’t mind seeing Florence again but I’ve already seen her.......oh wait LORDE YES LORDE probably if I had to choose right at this very moment

8. Is there an accessory you don’t feel dressed without? Not really

9. Have you ever been to a festival? I’m not sure what kinda festival you mean but I think not

10. Have you read all of the original seven Harry Potter books? Yeah but still not in English oops

11. What’s the last film/TV show you watched? Last film was Beauty and the Beast when it came out lmao I’m not a huge movie person, last TV show mmmh let’s say that YOI counts for this yes? because it’s always YOI and I don’t feel like watching anything else rip

My questions:

If you were a character in the last book you’ve read, what would be your role? Protagonist, side kick, villain...?

What’s your biggest pet peeve when reading a book or watching a show/anime/movie? (if you can’t only name one feel free to name a few)

Do you consider yourself to be a creative person?

Describe one person in your life you admire without mentioning the type of relationship you have with them

What’s one personality trait you’d give up immediately if you could?

Think of the farthest place you’ve traveled to and describe one culture shock you had while there (even something small)

What’s the one thing that always manages to motivate you?

What would you tell your 10 year old self?

What’s your favorite trope?

If your BFF tells you (lovingly) “why are you like this?” what are they referring to?

Are you scared of something right now? If you are, what’s one sentence you wish someone would tell you about the thing that scares you?

I tag: @betelxeuse @ilgattopatata @ehsocietypretendstoomuch @otayurl @argentoheart @nerily @janiedean @robb-greyjoy @laurent-rose @dotingdamen @venenix but obviously feel free not to do it (but if you do tag me bc I love reading your answers) fdklahrgag I hope I don’t get annoying with all these tags

[yoshesqueblr]

Bayonetta Retrospective: An Update On The Lack Of Updates

I started my latest youtube series almost a year ago, with the intention of revisiting my favourite game with an updated lens. Things have been going slow on the updates lately, and I feel like I need to provide an explanation for a couple of things.

1. The missing updates

I know that people watching my latest series will be very confused at this. About a month ago I made the first four updates of this series private, never again intended to be viewable on my channel. There are many reasons for this, but the main one is that my co-commentator and I had a massive falling out, and I have no wish to be associated with him in any way any more. The finer details of this falling out are already known to anybody who follows me on twitter, but to my larger audience on youtube, they will have little to no clue about this. I will cover the details of this later in this update, but suffice to say those videos will never be coming back.

2. The co-commentator change

Save for a few viewers, I don’t believe there was much surprise at me changing commentators in this series. I originally had every intention of finishing the series with no changes in commentator, but external events prevented that from happening. Again, this is related to the aforementioned falling out I had with my old co-commentator.

It is highly likely that the series will be completed with the current commentator, assuming that they agree to it.

3. The lack of updates

The reasons for a lack of updates has been twofold; the major one being the falling out I had with my co-commentator, and the other being health-related. I have been in and out of hospital regularly since the beginning of this year, and this has obviously been disruptive to any update schedule I might have had.

Things are on the mend now, so look forward to sporadic updates again soon.

4. The falling out

I’m not sure where to begin with this. I have extensively documented the events over the last six months on my twitter. However, twitter is not the best platform for following a story spread over numerous tweets, so I’ll document the details here for posterity.

My old co-commentator and I were dating, from February 2016 to January 2017. I’ll henceforth refer to him as my ex to make things easier. We bonded over our appreciation of shared hobbies and simply became good friends, which then progressed to a relationship. This was a long distance relationship.

Obviously, things did not work out between us, and we broke up mutually in January 2017, towards the end of my stay with him. This was when I had gone over to see him in his country. When we broke up, I told him that we could probably still be friends, but that I would need some space before that could happen, and that I would contact him whenever I was ready for that day. We parted on amicable terms, considering the nature of our breakup.

I could go into detail about the breakup but it’s not really important to the story. Just know that it was very traumatic for me and involved approximately a week of being trapped with someone who I did not want to be around. I think a lot of people can empathise with the concept of grinning and bearing it for the sake of keeping things civil, and in my case, where I was very ill, in a foreign country and was staying with someone who, on one occasion, forced sexual favours out of me.

You may understand then that telling him that we could still be friends was a white lie, and most definitely a foolish move on my part. Throughout our relationship I picked up many clashing personality traits that I did not find palatable and did not want in a friendship. However, throughout my dating history I have always broken up with people more or less on friendly terms, and thus see no issue with extending a possibility of friendship, even if I have little to no intention of following through. Telling him that lie was, as far as I was concerned, standard operating procedure for a mutual breakup, and more than he deserved, in retrospect.

So to recap:

He and I had a pretty epic breakup

I lied to him and told him that friendship could still be on the table

However, I wanted space before that could happen

When I returned home, he contacted me immediately, wanting to know how I was. While this was technically a breach of our agreement, I let this slide as I was obviously very sick when I left, and I could understand that he just wanted to know what was wrong with me. I let him know what I felt comfortable with, and reminded him that I needed to be left alone.

It’s at this point that the dynamic between us started to change. Even though I had made it clear that I wanted to be left alone, he decided that that meant he could still talk to me like he used to. Over the course of a month he contacted me non stop, wanting to know how I was, trying to engage in a conversation with me. This was in spite of the prior agreement we had, on top of never getting a meaningful response from me, other than to remind him that I did not want to talk to him.

This was across many different email accounts, as well as texting my phone, and essentially using any shared media between us to try to get a message to me. Examples of this include changing the name of a shared youtube playlist, or editing a shared google document. I started to block his attempts at contact, including making my twitter account private. I also began to vent about it indirectly.

It was clear to me that at this point that he was harassing me; he knew that I did not want to be contacted by him and yet was trying to contact me however he could. I confronted him via email, telling him that he had ruined any chance of being friends again by repeatedly ignoring my simple request, and to stop harassing or contacting me. After this he seemed to understand, and sent me a last email, telling me to contact him whenever I was ready. This was in February. All’s well that ends well, right?

let’s play a game and count the number of times he says this

btw, that pet name? I told him when we broke up he couldn’t call me that any more. He still uses it every time he contacts me.

Well, as you might be expecting, he didn’t stop contacting me. He felt the need to contact me on skype a few times, and less than three weeks after that “last” email, he sent me another email. It was a “monthly mail checkup”. I was at the end of my rope at this point and was beyond treating him nicely. I essentially told him to fuck off. He seemed under the impression that he had to actively try to win me back, “[b]ecause we both know that you will never come back to me from your own volition and I’m the one who has to shake you up.” (direct quote).

At this point, I just stopped replying. It was obvious he was never going to give up on me and normally the best thing to do in this instance is to lay low and ignore all attempts at contact. At this point I made my twitter private and blocked his account. I’m mentioning twitter because this whole mess contains a hefty dose of twitter drama and is important to some of the later details.

I will make it clear that I was not talking about this harassment from him during this time. To my followers on twitter, everything was normal (sans a distinct lack of updates for the series)

About a month after the last point of contact, I felt that I needed to explain to my followers what was happening with the retrospective; it had been three months since the last update and I had zero intention of working with my ex ever again. I made my twitter account public and explained that the series was on hold, because my ex had been harassing me, and pinned this tweet to my profile. You will notice that there is no direct reference to his harassment in that tweet, only in a reply.

I suppose it shouldn’t have surprised me to receive an email from him after that. The subject?

yeah, not threatening at all

In it, he said that I was lying about/fabricating the harassment accusation, and essentially broke up with me (again? yeah, that confused me too). I tried to explain to him how exactly he was harassing me, but he absolutely refused to see his actions as anything other than a friend reaching out. Repeatedly. Despite knowing that he had been blocked. And knowing that I didn’t want contact with him.

lol memes. “last time I’ll contact you” part two

We exchanged a lot of emails, because he tried to get me to agree to a conversation on skype and I refused. For some reason he thought an IM conversation would be less impulsive than one done via email? Yeah, he wasn’t making much sense to me either. Ultimately, it ended up with him thinking that things were on the mend and trying to give me an ultimatum (reply to me by this time otherwise we’re over). Because I hadn’t already made that clear enough for him?

I happily ignored him and he sent a final parting shot of an email, which I guess was supposed to be scathing but simply came across as aiming in the wrong direction completely. So in case you’ve lost track, he’d broken up/cut ties with me twice by now. I thought things were finally over and blocked him on everything else I could think of and made my twitter private again.

“im cutting ties with you for real this time” part three

Again, on my twitter, I made no direct reference to what had been happening to me.

Not nine days later, he sent me an email from a blocked address. With a quote from a Jackie Chan movie (lmao). I ignored it. A week after that, another email, from two blocked email addresses. A week after that, another email, from six addresses. To top it off, he used a throwaway twitter account to tell me to check my spam.

Oh boy, this one was the doozy. He called me emotionally abusive and all other manner of nasty things, including that I deserved to get sick because it was payback for all the awful things I had done to him. You know, just normal standard stuff you say to a good friend.

To say that email upset me is an understatement. I stayed up all night wondering whether I had truly been abusive to him. After talking about it with friends and strangers (Something Awful link), I came to the conclusion that he was just trying to hurt me to get me to reply to him, and whether it was true or not, what he was doing was much worse. I doubt he’s had the same level of self-reflection on his behaviour.

It was at this point I started looking into legal options, with very little promising results. I started keeping a log of his attempts at contacting me though, in case it ever because useful.

Five days after that abusive email, on the day Bayonetta was released on PC, he sent me another email. He also sent me a question on my (now deactivated) ask.fm account, telling me to check my spam. At no point did he make reference to the abusive shit he hurled at me, he just acted like everything was normal.

In the hours leading up to Bayonetta being released on Steam, I streamed some Angel Slayer because I was hella excited, man! Guess who pops up in the stream chat? Guess who got blocked? Guess who created another account and tried to engage in a conversation with me? Guess who got IP banned? Yeah, shit’s crazy. At this point I start making direct reference to his harassment on twitter.

all in one day. not harassment!

Let’s pause for a moment and take in the view:

From the time I came back from visiting him, he refused to stop contacting me, despite being told multiple times to do so

He sent me an abusive email

He was aware that he was blocked and circumvented it by creating many different accounts

not harassment tho

Two weeks after he sent that nasty tirade, he sent another email, saying that he was ashamed that he had sent it to me, and that he just wanted to be friends again. Not a single apology for what he had sent, but he just expected that things would be okay after that, because HE wanted things to be okay, forget about anything I wanted or said to him.

gonna keep harassing you until you do what I want, not harassment tho

It’s as though he’d heard of the adage that ‘time heals all wounds’ and thinks that two weeks is enough to get over getting an abusive spiel sent to you.

I suspect he started escalating his attempt to talk to me because it was the days leading up to his birthday. He tried asking, pleading, bribing me to talk to him again. I ignored all of it. On top of that he recruited people who he knew who followed me on twitter/had me as an IM friend to tell me to check my emails.

guess who later went and copypasted my conversation with him and gave it to my harasser

Things kept escalating. He remembered my brother’s name and ran a search for him on skype. Because I had stupidly blocked my ex, but not removed him from my friends list, he was able to find the one that was indeed related to me. My ex contacted my brother, on skype, as well as facebook. To this day, I have no idea how he found my brother’s facebook, although it’s not exactly locked down due to the nature of my brother’s work.

pictures make this wall of text less intimidating, right?

My brother told me that my ex had contacted him. Yeah, I freaked out. It was clear to me that my ex had no boundaries and I feared what he would do next. I vented about it on my twitter, which was still locked down to the public at this point.

I won’t lie, I was pretty scared by this point. If he felt that contacting my brother, who he had had no contact with prior to this, was perfectly fine, what was stopping him from trying to come to Australia to find me? What other information did he keep/remember about me? I went through my computer and accounts and increased the security for everything. I also tried to get an outside perspective on the situation as a sanity check.

So I hope you can understand why I was freaking out. A few days after, he left a comment on one of my videos, once again telling me to just look at my brother’s skype messages, it was so easy. Because looking at other people’s private messages is totally acceptable behaviour to this guy.

Not only that, despite me locking down my twitter account he still saw my “meltdown”. Either someone was leaking my tweets or he was following me under another dummy account. Nowhere was safe.

add another to the ‘I won’t contact you again after this message’ counter

Be aware that this mentality of my ex’s is what drives a large part of his behaviour; he considers things that are boundary breaking to a lot of people perfectly normal and acceptable.

An aside, when I was visiting him in January, he snooped through my external hard drive and deleted files of himself that I had saved. Things like photos of him and screenshots. I discovered that he had done this in late March, long after we broke up. Chances are high he snooped through the contents of my laptop as well. I remember the realisation that he had gone through my things and feeling sick to my stomach, because it was such a massive breach of trust. It painted his actions since that meeting in an even worse light, because he knew that he had done this and yet was still seeking a friendship with me.

So yeah, he stalked my brother, something that he doesn’t deny either, although he won’t call it stalking. A few days after that he sent me another email. He had composed a song for me. He also openly acknowledged that he knew it would probably upset me. Whether he meant the contents of the song, or the fact that he had yet again contacted me, I wasn’t sure, but I sure as hell did not listen to that song.

openly acknowledging that it’s going to upset me doesn’t make it any better fyi

This coincides with him uploading a mariachi cover of a Witcher 3 song to his channel. It was hard to tell at this point but you could almost read a coded message in the song title.

very apt, tbqh

I could cover all the detail about him contacting me (there’s a lot of youtube comments), but this is already long enough and I can summarise easily: I was venting to my twitter about the deluded guy harassing me and he was continuing to try to contact me. He even tried to blackmail me, because whew boy, he had decided to tell all of cgg (cuhrayzee games general, used to be a 4chan /vg/ board, now exclusively on discord) about his relationship with me. Bless them, they tried to help him work through it, but they kind of missed the mark when it came to owning up to his behaviour.

I ignored all of this, but it came to a head when he decided to post a PSA about me. Yes, a Public Service Announcement about me, where he told every single excruciating detail about the relationship, as well as tried to justify his harassing behaviour.

I found this out when I was browsing 4chan, a few days after he had posted it. I never read the contents but I knew that he was telling a very skewed version of events. I emailed the website admins to get the PSA removed, because hey, it was just another venue for my ex to harass me, now by blackmailing me by spreading my personal life details to the internet.

Throughout this time, I had not really addressed the issue on my youtube channel. I had been uploading episodes again with a new commentator since April, and while there were some people who missed my old commentator, I did not acknowledge the questions at all. Well, after the PSA got released somebody decided to comment on one of these threads, saying that the reason my ex was no longer on episodes was because we had broken up and I had handled the breakup badly. Which is a pretty laughable interpretation of the events.

I took this opportunity to address the issues head on, and posted the following comments:

I also detailed roughly what had been happening on my twitter account.

Well, a few days after that, my ex found the comments I had made, and replied to it, using yet another youtube account. Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately), the OP deleted their comment before I could screenshot the entirety of my ex’s replies, but the gist of it was basically a mix of justification of the stalking of my brother and an attempt at another ultimatum (with yes, yet another promise that this would be the last time he would contact me).

ah yes, my infamous disingenuous harassment flag powers

Anyway, drama aside, I got the PSA removed. My ex found out (through a lovely person who used to follow me on twitter and now does not), and posted the PSA again. I reported it again and it was removed. You would think at this point he would think, ‘huh, I wonder why they’re removing it if there’s nothing wrong with what I wrote,’ but self-reflection does not become this exceptional person.

guess whose exes were all “crazy”? this is in no way a red flag or indicative of a larger issue

After I got the PSA removed a second time, he made his twitter account private, and posted yet another PSA on a different website. It was up for a few days before I found out, because my ex made his twitter public again and I was on the lookout for crazy stuff from him. Once again, I got the offending item removed by the website admins.

third time’s a charm

The fact that he was posting very personal, private information about my life seemed to escape him, and he posted the PSA a fourth time, this time with redacted information. Redacted information like, my online handle, my age, my country of residence. Information that people already know. But not all the unnecessary information about my personal relationship with him.

“no good reason” nuh-uh

I had a pretty epic meltdown on twitter, I will admit it. Lovely people like the ones picture below jumped in on the fray as well.

fresh hot takes from twitter dot com

All in all, I got the PSA removed again, hopefully for the final time. But not before dissecting his warped way of thinking. I thought it was finally over.

Haha no why would you think that. It’s my birthday next week and my ex wanted to wish me a happy birthday, but he decided against sending it close to the date of my birthday, because he knew that it would upset me. Also, he’s still waiting to be friends with me again, but he sure as hell won’t be apologising or anything for his behaviour.

pure logical being, right here, as he likes to call himself

TL;DR: MikeKob is a crazy, deluded, harassing and stalking piece of shit. To put it mildly.

3. The lack of updates (cont)

So, if you read all of that, you might understand why I haven’t had the motivation to continue the series lately. I’m planning to get back into it though, a large part of why I was putting this update off is because the audio recording is almost 2 hours long or something.

[joons-expensive-gurl]

Underrated BTS Songs (but ironically are the best)

So I've decided to put together a "small" list of BTS songs that I think are so underrated. I'm not really sure how many are gonna be on here, but I'm gonna try and put them all with little annotations as well. While I was writing, I realised that all of these songs don't have music videos and shit, which might be why they're so underrated. I also noticed they mostly come mid album and after, but still get a LOT of love. Anywho, enjoy~ 1 - Dead Leaves So, Dead Leaves is my ultimate favourite BTS song. However, I think the reason for it being so underrated (which it is in newer armies) is the fact that it's the very last song before the outro in TMBMiL: pt 2. I really feel that this song had the potential to be a title song, but being at the end meant it was overshadowed by other songs such as Silver Spoon. Even so, many older armies will tell you it's one of their favourite songs. It just does something to us. (I think another reason has something to do with the fan war over plagiarism of this and They Never Know. Despite Dead Leaves having another level of brilliance, I think fans just stayed away to keep away from the drama) 2 - I Like it Another one of my absolute favourites. I Like it is on their first album, and is one of our first looks at slow, more-pop-than-hip-hop BTS. It's a gorgeous song, which I really think the vocal line just slaaayyy at doing. But it's definitely underrated, seeing as many fans wanted a hip hop BTS, not more of a singing pop BTS. 3 - Circle Room Cypher This outro is BEYOND underrated. Not only is it the first BTS cypher, it also features every member having a little go over at rapping over another member's beat boxing. It's great. And if you watch a lyric video, the lyrics are actually pretty funny. It's a great outro, and I'm really upset that I only discovered it a few months ago. It's by far an amazing song which deserves more than it gets. 4 - If I Ruled the World Any song that starts with V's deep vocals is a good song. And If I Ruled the World is a very good song. It's old school BTS, on the O! R U L8 2 album. It's fun, quirky and has this weird (but cool) machine-y noise in the background, kinda like in EXO's Playboy. It's such a great song but I don't hear it often and I don't hear people talking about it often either. 5 - Tomorrow Tomorrow holds a very special place in my heart, and many other army's hearts. But that doesn't stop it from being so underrated. Part of the Skool Luv Affair album, it takes a different route from Attack of Bangtan and Jump. It's slow, with a loud beat, layered vocals and amazing rapping from our beloved rap line. It's lyrics are just amazing, ensuring you it's okay to give up but only until tomorrow when you can try again. Since it's in an older album, though, many newer armies don't get to listen to it's beauty for quite some time. 6 - Triptych (Cypher Pt 2) I LOVE TRIPTYCH. It's an amazing cypher by the boys, kicking off with J-Hope rapping (which is unusual., but we love it). Mony has a massive rapping section entirely in English which I may or may not be able to do... and Suga as usual kills it. But this doesn't stop it from being one of the most underrated BTS tracks ever. When Killer and Pt 4 came out, it was overshadowed and of course, forgotten, but if you haven't heard it, go and check it out. It will not disappoint. 7 - Hip Hop Phile I love Dark&Wild. It's my favourite BTS album, with probably the most underrated songs ever. And we'll start with Hip Hop Phile. This song is amazing. It's a song dedicated to the love of Hip Hop that each member holds. Our rap line have great flows as usual and the over song had a very dark feeling to it. It fits right in with the overall theme of the album, but I feel it definitely doesn't get enough love. 8 - Rain Rain, originally to be called Seoul Rain, is a beautiful song. It definitely does justice in being a more slow song on such a hyped album, and is easily a favourite if you finding yourself struggling to sleep in the night, it's a go to song simply for it being so calming. Definitely go and listen if you haven't all ready. 9 - Could You Turn Off Your Cell Phone? This song tackles a pandemic sweeping across the world without us knowing. The anti-social pandemic caused by cellphones (or as us Brits call 'em, mobile phones). The song is about putting our phones away for just 5 minutes to have an actual conversation with people, and that our boys are SICK of seeing people mindlessly using them to get likes on social media. But it doesn't get talked about a lot. Not sure why, but I'm guessing because of the album it's on (sadly). It hits hard to anyone who listens but it's such a fun, kinda bouncy song that will have you pressing repeat a gajillion times. 10 - Look Here THIS. SONG. IS. FUCKING. AMAZING. Easily one of my favourites for having this very summery, light hearted theme. When I listen, I imagine a beach party somewhere hot with people dancing along to BTS singing on stage. It definitely has this kind of tropical island party theme with guitars which I just adore. The bridge is literally Jimin making sex puns and the whole song is about them being into you and wanting to make you theirs so "이기 봐". However, every song on D&W is overshadowed by Killer... so yeah... 11 - Does That Make Sense? my favourite outro of all time is easily D&W's Does That Make Sense. It will make you body roll. It has such a beautiful beat and the music atop of that is slow, sensual and it all comes together with the vocal lines amazing voices. Jimin especially. There's also a part with Mony's voice all deep and kinda distorted and it honestly makes the song so much better. Howveer, Again, because it's on the wrong album (D&W being sooo underrated) it just didn't get much attention. I really can't explain the song so I'll just have to let you go listen if you haven't. (It's great it reminds me of my holiday to Whitby where I first heard it and it shocked me sm. it was and still is a gorgeous song. I really wish they'd made a full version with the rap line. That would've been e v e r y t h i n g). (Also Jimin's high notes at the end slayed me) 12 - Move This. Fucking. Song. If you haven't heard Move, go listen to it right now. Also knowing as Moving On, it's slow and sweet (which I think is why it's underrated - because it's so slow compared to other songs in the album). The lyrics are about simply moving houses and letting go of the memories there, though with Spotify translating it as Moving On, I got confused and thought it was about moving on from a relationship. Lol nope. In the right moment, it can actually make you cry, so just be weary. Overall, it is a brilliant song and takes a two back from Run and Dope with a slow, steady beat. 13 - Whalien 52 This song is MY song (lmao). It's simply about being on your own and they use the metaphor of a whale which is a solo creature to describe how they're feeling. If you don't take the lyrics literally and have a little knowledge on whales, the lyrics are easy to understand. I'm not really sure why it's underrated. It just is which is honestly so upsetting. The music itself is so gorgeous. It fits right in with the message that the song is trying to portray and I really do think that everything in this song just works. It's definitely worth listening to. 14 - Silver Spoon Silver Spoon is one of those BTS songs that once you listen to, you love (like all of them). It's old school BTS, though you can still hear their newer style. The rap line kill it as usual and with the vocal line coming in strong with the chorus, its overall a great song. The only thing that makes it even better is the dance practice. You know, where your precious lil Yoongi twerks. Seriously, the song is amazing especially if you're into rap. The beat on this song is amazing - it's really strong and at the same time blends in really well. However, no matter how much praise it gets, I strongly believe it's underrated. It doesn't get as much love as what it should do. Still, only Min Yoongi can write a masterpiece like Silver Spoon. 15 - House of Cards Or more appropriately named 50 Shades of BTS. This song takes sexy to a whole new level. I don't care who you are, if you don't body roll to this song, there's something desperately wrong. House of Cards is phenomenal. Featuring only the vocal line, it finished TMBMiL: pt 2 off right. With a piano, violin and great beat, you can't help but drown in the beautiful, sexy vibes of this song. Again, this song just doesn't get love. I think because of how slow it is, but ask any older army and they'll tell you House of Cards is one of their faves. 16 - Hold Me Tight Hold Me Tight is yet another masterpiece. Pianos and vocals. The song features this beautiful piano at the beginning which is gorgeous and transforms into this beautiful beat, with Mony's beautiful rough, whispering raps taking off. You know exactly which vocals I'm on about. The rapping overall is softer than usual, with Hobi starting off with this kinda singing kinda talking with will actually take your breath away. Suga actually sings a little and my heart dies a tiny bit every time. It's so out of the normal for BTS, seeing as the rappers are more singing than rapping, but it only adds to the song and makes it even more perfect. Fans definitely need to listen to it, since it doesn't get a lot of love. 17 - I Need U (Remix) Okay, don't kill me but I actually prefer this remix to the original. It just has this more electric, EDM-y feeling to it which is simply stunning. However, I think fans are just skeptical of remixes. Y'all shouldn't be scared this remix kills it. They've even performed it live, for fucks sake. That's when you know it's good. If you haven't yet listened, off you go. You won't regret it. 18 - First Love Whatever Min Suga produces, it should be loved and for some stupid fucking reason, First Love isn't loved! First Love is Yoongi talking about a piano. His first piano. It's a beautiful song once you get round the lyrics. And yes, it's slow, it's different to Begin and Lie. But it's fucking beautiful and if you skip it on Spotify, you're missing out. Just because it isn't normal Min Suga like ducking Tony Montana and him boasting about making you cum with his tongue technology, it doesn't mean it's a bad song. In fact, I think it's even better because it shows Yoongi can have variety. APPRECIATE IT! 19 - Reflection Okay, Mony as well?! Reflection is one of my favourite solos simply because of its slow, beautiful beat. The lyrics at the end "I wish I could love myself" hit hard to home and you know you can count on Namjoon to make you feel the feels. His rapping is flawless and he even sings a bit which only enhances the song. It's perfect and fans overlook it so much. Even though they shouldn't. 20 - Am I Wrong I have no idea how to explain this song apart from "Cowboy EDM". This song takes some cowboy-esque music and some lyrics from another singer and makes it into the song we know (and should love). Trust Yoongi to come out with something so western and yet so modern. I love it. The guitars, the beat, the drop, the vocals, the rap. It's all great. But it again, gets overlooked because it's different. Believe it or not, this song is great. It deserves all the love.