#i’ve been using it for college application stuff :’D

[smile-files]

guess who’s able to use ipad notes app again!! and guess who found a new drawing tool!!! :D

[thegraphitepencils]

Okay so!

Girl I went on that date with was having a bad night last night so she asked if she could drive me home from synagogue just to get out of the house. A synagogue friend finalized her conversion !!! and I got invited to her celebratory dinner after services, so I asked Girl if she wanted to come along and she did.

In addition to getting to hang with synagogue friends, and Girl, I made a NEW friend who just started going to synagogue and we talked for a really long time about plants and pets and chronic illness stuff, and we exchanged facebooks and we’re gonna talk more :))

Also today Monty went to a new queer poetry mixer! There were only two other people there, a senior gay couple, one of them being a researcher who’s compiling a bibliography of local published poets. They left early, but gave us their contact info to get involved with the sort of “know someone who knows someone” local poets & meetings!! So Monty will get to start doing all that. (Also this was his first time introducing himself as Monty in public!!)

ALSO we went to a very nice little charity thrift store in town and they’re looking for part-time sorters! The days they’re hiring are days we don’t have therapy so we have more wiggle room in our schedule, and we’ve gotten healthy enough I think we could handle that. I asked for an application (after getting a book on a niche historical topic I’m researching for a novel WIP !!!) and we’ll fill that out after Shabbos. The lady had said “we need all the help we can get” so I think I have a good chance!

ALSO!! Gonna start COLLEGE!!! We have some good people helping us with the research and application process for that, and I have high hopes for my dream city’s public university.

I just. I’m really glad we’re opening ourselves up again. Finding more people, more community, more opportunities. Things keep lining up in a way that feels gorgeously right.

Blue (whimsigoth witch alter) had decided on the new moon that we’d make this lunar cycle one of self-love and internal improvement. To overcome the feelings of lovelessness and abandonment by loving ourselves and showing up for ourselves. That we’d rewire our brain, clear out negative beliefs, so the presence or absence of an external person can’t affect how we feel about ourself.

I agreed to go along with it, despite my doubts and bone-deep self-loathing. We privately started calling it a Girl Exorcism (gender neutral), working with each other and a few additional system members to craft morning & night routines, start exercising, make sure we’re eating well and enough, and immediately counter any negative self talk with positive affirmations.

It started out exhausting. We kept going anyway.

And two weeks later, it’s fucking working. We’re finding so many events and opportunities, making new friends, gaining social skills, getting healthier mentally & physically, thinking of ourself as beautiful & smart & capable, and figuring out our life’s purpose and actually taking steps to get there. It’s kind of a miracle.

We are by no means cured or over The Breakup. I’m still hurt. I’m still grieving. I’m still feeling a little adrift not having my fp to plan our future with. But I’m getting to feel emotions beyond that as well, and much more often. And I’m valuing myself, my time, my love and my life. I’m listening to my heart, setting boundaries, finding joy without a relationship.

I’d felt like I was never going to get here. Like I just would be miserable until he took me back again, and then miserable in a different way but at least feel wanted.

I don’t think that anymore. I do think I can be happy with my own company, my headmates’ company, and the company of good friends. And, most astounding of all, I think I deserve all that.

Major shoutout to @lingonberryjamistakenwhat for getting me through some of the darkest nights as I’ve been finding my footing. I’m so glad G-d and the blue hellsite brought us together. Thank you for being an amazing friend.

Tonight was really good. I’ll post more about it tomorrow but I feel like I’m finally starting to actually live life, and finding a way to do it in which I make connections and community while maintaining my own sense of self and not feeling like my will to live is entirely reliant on another person’s love for me.

I could go back to my old ways the very moment I form a new fp connection, but I think even then I’ll maintain some of this progress, and either way I’m letting myself feel proud for a moment.

[razberrybi]

hello! this isn’t the most timely of postings, but I want to make a series with stuff I wish I knew before applying for/getting into college. the series will be most helpful to lower-income american students, because that’s my experience!  eventually I’ll have more stuff regarding STEM courses & tips for when you do start college.  everything will be tagged #college help by raz.  I’ll get a link for it up and running on my blog.

first off, probably the ugliest part of the process for me: filing the FAFSA, aka the Free Application for Federal Student Aid.  I wouldn’t be able to go to college without it but the process literally brought me to tears.

if I save just one student some unnecessary frustration, then my job here is done! kal @promethes was my inspiration to do this, she’s running something with a similar purpose in a couple months so if you’re interested keep an eye out for that.

finally, if you’re trying to get into college/are just getting in and have any questions, don’t hesitate to send me an ask! 

if you don’t want to open up the link above to a google doc, the text is available under the cut.

Things to know about the FAFSA:

It opens on October 1st every year.  Be prepared to file it right when it opens, the aid is first come, first served.

If you’re going right into college after high school, that means you should apply on October 1st of your senior year.  

If you missed the deadline, it’s open till June 30th the next year, but do not procrastinate this. Please trust me. Mark October 1st on your calendar, know it like your birthday.  This is free money from the gov, don’t miss out.

You need to file for the FAFSA every year you’re in college, it’s not a one-and-done thing. 

To file, you will need an FSA ID for you AND one of your parents (unless you’re not a dependent.  If you’re living with a parent/legal guardian and they provide more than 50% of your financial support, you’re probably their dependent.  That means they claim you on their taxes & get money back on their return). Make those FSA IDs here. Remember the passwords.

These are separate accounts that you’ll need to actually file the FAFSA.  Also, if you have loans taken out they’ll show up here.

When you’re ready to do the FAFSA, use this official website.  Other websites can charge you.  They might not be secure and definitely won’t be any easier. 

Sometimes, income is complicated or parents aren’t always on top of their taxes.  Thankfully FAFSA wants documents from two years prior, i.e., for the 2020-21 school year they’re asking for 2018 taxes.

Try to check that those are filed away somewhere you can access before the Oct. 1 deadline.  Make sure your parents know the government will pay for your schooling if you do this, and you usually won’t have to give that money back.

If your situation changed and you make a lot less than you did 2 years ago, contact your school’s financial aid office. Sometimes they can help with extra aid.

What documents will you need?

Your social security number

Your driver’s license, if you have one

W-2 forms from 2 years prior, and other records of money earned 

Your (and/or your parents’) Federal income tax return from 2 years prior (form 1040, will be different if you’re in an American territory and not one of the states)

Any untaxed income records form 2 years prior, like payments to deferred pension & savings plans, tax exempt interest & child support

Records of taxable earnings from federal work-study from 2 years ago

Record of grants, scholarships, or fellowship aid that was included in you or your parent’s 2018 adjusted gross income

Any current bank statements

Any current business and investment mortgage info, business/farm records, stocks/bonds info

Documentation that you’re a permanent US resident or other eligible noncitizen

If you’re lucky, all these records will be filed in one spot or easily accessible.  Try to access them early just in case.

If you have an idea what colleges you’re applying to, add them to the FAFSA when prompted.  This will help you know exactly how much money they’re giving you sooner.

Because of the whole “parents not being on top of taxes” thing, I’ve always had to manually put things in instead of clicking the button that lets you manually import the info.

It’s frustrating and takes a while, but you will be able to do it.  Thankfully the FAFSA has been getting better with the help available on the page (you can click an info button and it explains most things). 

Still unsure what something means? Open a new tab on your browser and google it.  You need to answer everything honestly, don’t take chances and take your time.

If you do get to auto-import, I suggest you go through the information manually to double check things if it lets you!  I’ve used a similar tool with a tax-filing service and they can get some things wrong.

There are a couple “optional” sections.  I fill them all out except for the section about assets, which I’ve consistently skipped.  I always get max aid doing this, your mileage may vary.

When you finish, you’ll get a number for your EFC, or expected family contribution--how much they predict your family will have to pay for college.  For example, if that number is 000, you’ll hopefully get maximum aid and your tuition will be paid for.

Sometimes, they can’t give it all in grants (money you don’t have to pay back), so some of the money will be made out to you as subsidized or unsubsidized loans.  If you need them, take out the subsidized loans first, these will not gain interest until your grace period ends, typically 6 months after graduation.

I’ve literally never had success applying for random online scholarships and I applied to a lot of them.  The FAFSA is so important if your family is low-income, those grants cover my entire tuition.  The rest of my college, including room/board and a shitton of fees, is covered by merit scholarships directly from my school.  I go to a large, in-state school, and suggest you stay in state if you can’t get into an out of state college that will 100% pay everything for you.  Those colleges, not coincidentally, are also extremely hard to get into especially if you don’t have connections--think the Ivies, MIT, etc.

I recommend in-state because it’s almost always much cheaper than out of state tuition.  Sometimes colleges have programs that will let you go to another state and pay in-state tuition at their partner school, if you’re desperate to move far look for those programs OR find a farther college in your state keeping in mind how good their program is for the major you’re looking at.

Also, fancy private schools might get you some connections or more famous speakers at events but the quality of your education won’t be much better, if at all. 

Look for scholarships that come directly from the school you like.

Merit scholarships are money your school will give you for having good grades/test scores.  How much money 100% depends on the school. Mine had a program where they had different levels of aid, and they calculated which level you fell into based on your high school GPA, ACT, and SAT scores. It’s worth trying to improve your scores on one of those tests if you know it’ll get you more money.  These scholarships tend to renew every year/semester if you keep your GPA up in college. 

For school-specific questions, contact the school’s financial aid office.  For general questions, contact me! Send an ask to @razberrybi on tumblr.

Finally--if you manage to complete the FAFSA wholly or partially on your own, congratulations!! It’s not an easy feat.  In my experience the FAFSA is literally harder and more frustrating than filing your taxes.  Treat yourself for getting it done!  

[livesincerely]

I know I probably missed the boat timing-wise for your little ask game but I am d y i n g to know more about the college years for the domestic au.

There’s no such thing as too late!!! (I am super into all these Domestic AU asks, btw)

Jack and Davey only apply to the same schools. There’s a rough patch right at the beginning where Jack worries that he’s holding Davey back—he think’s he’s too poor or too stupid to get into the schools Davey will. Davey disabuses him of that idea with haste.

“Jack Kelly,” Davey starts, and he’s absolutely furious. Furious with Jack for even saying such a thing, but even more upset with the world for daring to put these thoughts in Jack’s head. “You are going to college. You are a fantastic artist and any school would be lucky to have you. We will figure out tuition money. We will figure out tuition money even if we have to fill out scholarship applications until our fingers bleed, even if I have to call every single financial aid office in this whole damn country. But so help me, if you ever suggest that you’re holding me back again, I’ll break your fucking nose.” Davey takes a breath, chest heaving. Jack just stands there gaping at him, eyes wide with shock. “So sit back down and finish signing those papers.”

(Jack doesn’t figure it out until much much later, but this is definitely the moment he starts to fall in love with Davey)

But anyway, Jack and Davey go to school together, Jack as an art student with a focus in graphic design and Davey as a double major in English and Education. They get a three bedroom apartment not far from campus with help from Medda. Race is 11 and just starting middle school, Crutchie is 10 and in fifth grade. Neither is at all bothered about moving to a new school district and are really excited about living with Jack and Davey.

So, Jack’s been taking care of Racetrack and Crutchie’s paperwork—school, medical, etc—for ages, and Davey has been an unofficial contact on their stuff for years, but now it’s official. Jack and Davey are each other’s emergency contacts and they’re both on all the boys’ stuff. Jack and Davey try their absolute best to be reliable, involved guardians. We’re talking parent-teacher conferences, going to band recitals, helping with homework, etc, and it’s not that it’s really all that different than things had been before Jack got custody, but there’s the added pressure of being The Adults in Charge. They do a much better job than they think they do, just through sheer effort and the amount of love they have for Race and Crutchie.

The first big test of the new normal is when Davey gets a call from the middle school telling him that there’s been an incident with Race. Jack is in the middle of a final and can’t go, so it’s just Davey. Davey shows up to find Race with a bloody nose and some little shithead kid with a fat lip and annoying HOA parents, crying crocodile tears and calling Race a thug. It’s obvious that these people are super entitled and used to getting their way, and the principal is all set to roll over and give Race a suspension without even hearing his side of the story. Davey is not having it.

“Excuse me,” Davey says in an absolutely frigid tone of voice, looking at Principal Jefferson with barely concealed contempt in his eyes. Racetrack sidles ever so slightly closer to him, already starting to un-tense; it’s been a few years but he still remembers the school bus incident. He knows that Davey’s got this. “I’m afraid I don’t understand why suspension is even an option at this point.” “Any student engaging in violence will receive a three-day suspension—“ “Yes, I read the handbook,” Davey coldly interrupts. “It also says you have a rigorous anti-bullying policy, with special wording to protect those from marginalized groups and those in particularly delicate circumstances. Is allowing a former foster child to be taunted with the fact of his parents’ deaths, then punishing him for understandably lashing out, what you call protecting them?”

Race and Davey go home with an apology from the school, and an excuse for the classes he missed while in the principal’s office

“I forget that Davey can actually be scary sometimes,” Racetrack whispers to Crutchie later that night. “You shoulda seen him—I thought Mr. Jefferson was gonna puke.” Crutchie wisely observes, “It’s ‘cause by the time Davey gets angry, Jack’s already went and punched someone.” “Well, Jack should let Davey have more turns being the mean one,” Race says. “He needs to stay in practice.”

Every now and then, when Race and Crutchie have days off from school but Jack and Davey have class, they go to campus with them. They usually go with Davey, as Davey’s large lecture halls and discussion classrooms have more space for two children to post up with a few quiet activities than Jack’s smaller art studios do. Most people are understanding, especially since Race and Crutchie are old enough to sit quietly for a few hours with snacks or whatever. Davey only had to go full berserker on someone once for the entire English department to get the memo. And honestly, Race and Crutchie are a good tool for weeding out unsuitable candidates from the Education department.

I’ve been thinking about doing something with the pre-domestic au ideas. There really needs to be a “5 times...” type fic with Davey protecting Race and Crutchie that explores how the two of them learn to trust and rely on him the way they do Jack, because I have IDEAS. Or maybe they’ll just exist in these little lists. 😊

00000

@agentsnickers

[purplesurveys]

797

What is your favorite thing to do on your phone? Fucking around on social media like a true Gen Z-er would, lmao. I have several games that I’d play occasionally, but most of the time I just check the same three apps – Messenger, Facebook, and Twitter. Do you know what you are going to be for Halloween this year? If so, what? I don’t even know if I have plans for the rest of the year. Do you still go trick-or-treating, and if so, how old are you? The last time we did was 2015, when we were 17. Nowadays we just have costume parties. Which Disney princess resembles you the most? At the moment it’s probably Moana, but I heard they’re making a Southeast Asian Disney princess so I’m waiting for her :) What color was your first phone? I’m not sure what the model’s actual color was because it was already in a Winnie the Pooh case when I got it as a present, but the case itself was red.

Was your first phone a flip phone? No, it was one of the Nokia ones with a slightly green screen and the Snake game on it. Have you ever butt dialed someone? I don’t think so. It’s normally the other way around. What is your favorite pizza parlor? We don’t have many of that around here; most places serve a little bit of everything with pizzas usually having its own section on the menu. That said, my favorite place to get pizza is Mama Lou’s if I have some cash on me and want to be fancy, and Yellow Cab if I want fast food pizza but still quality pizza. What is an old website that closed down that you miss? I’m pretty sure Tumblr shut down my old survey blog, the one I’ve had since 2012 or 2013, and I’m very bummed out by it. It’s also weird to me because I have a blog that’s been inactive for much longer and that one is still up... so I don’t know why they would shut down the blog that served as my journal during my teen years. I occasionally look back on it to see how I was doing then and compare it to who I am now, so it sucks that I can’t do that anymore. If you're a girl, have you ever had an embarrassing period story? I guess, but I’ve also reached a point where I’ve stopped seeing period mishaps as embarrassing. Stuff like that just happens sometimes, and I can’t be around people who are going to be babies about it. ...If so, what happened? The worst instance was leaking during a PE workout and my classmate pointing it out for me, and then having to change into denim jeans for the rest of the workout since that was the only other pair of bottoms I had.  What was your worst experience in high school? I can remember one but I don’t wanna relive my anxieties here by writing it in full detail so no thanks. What was your high school's mascot? We don’t have a mascot; we only had colors. Do you listen to Grace VanderWaal? Only if she’s on the radio. I don’t dislike her but I also don’t think I’ve ever looked up her music voluntarily. ...if yes, what's your favorite song of hers? I’m not familiar with her song titles. I’ve caught some songs that I liked but I wouldn’t be able to tell you which ones they were. Do you watch America's Got Talent? Only the compilation videos they’ve got on YouTube. Which country has the best accent? I don’t really rank accents lol Did you cry at your high school graduation? I cried the night before. I find that I don’t usually cry when an event that’s supposed to be emotional is happening, but I do cry before or after it. Did you cry at your college graduation (if applicable)? LOL if applicable, fucking same. I think I’ll mostly be relieved when it finally happens because I’m expecting it to keep getting postponed for now. Do your parents try to stop you from chasing your dreams? No, but they’re also realistic. I tried to court my dad about having an internship with WWE at Connecticut, and he was less than enthusiastic about it which I completely understood. What dreams have stuck with you since childhood? My dream house, to go to Wrestlemania, and to have a lot of money hahaha. Who is a former friend that you wish would come back into your life? Egh, I feel like the way life has turned out has been for the best and I’m currently not wishing any of my former friends back. I suppose it would be nice to have my relationship with Macy back, though. Have you ever been in a serious romantic relationship? Yes, like the one I’m in now. Who was your favorite Spice Girl? I didn’t have one but I did have a soft spot for Victoria Beckham since she’s always in fashion magazines and also because her family has always looked so happy. But I never really liked her as part of the group? because I knew about Victoria before I knew about the Spice Girls. Sorryyy please put your pitchforks down I was born in 1998 :(( <333 Did you ever want to be in a band or music group? No. What instrument did you play in the marching band? We don’t have a club like that here. If you could take any one type of dance class right now, what kind you take? Ballet. Who got kicked off of your favorite talent show that you were mad about? There were a gazillion unfair eliminations on American Idol but I remember being most pissed off over Scotty McCreery’s win and Pia Toscano’s elimination. Do you own the entire series on DVD of any TV show? If so, what? I have a bootleg box set of the 80s sitcom Perfect Strangers, but other than that I’ve been able to watch TV shows via torrent or Netflix, soooo. What show did you always want to be on when you were a kid? I wanted to be a part of the dancing audience on Hi-5, and to be dumped with slime at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards lol. Can you tell the difference between Mary-Kate and Ashley? No. Who is your favorite set of twins? Seoeon and Seojun from The Return of Superman. What is the stupidest baby name you have heard recently? Welp, nothing has beaten Covid Bryant yet... What is the grossest thing you have ever vomited up? Nothing too gross. Just alcohol. Have you ever thrown up in public, in front of someone else? Yes. The sensation of puking terrifies me so there’ve been a few times I asked Gabie to go to the Pop-Up washroom with me, enter a stall also with me, and to calm me down while I throw up D: ...If yes, was it embarrassing? I don’t find it embarrassing because she’s my girlfriend. I’d never ask anyone else to do the same thing for me though. Did you ever take your dog to school? Just once, for my graduation shoot. Name one person you know who had a baby in high school. No one in my batch had a baby while in high school, just shortly after. I’m not naming them but one of them already has three kids, one has a boy, and another one also has a boy. Do you keep a list of your favorite quotes? No. Describe your dream wedding in three words. Lots of food. What is your favorite Chinese restaurant? Tim Ho Wan or King Bee. Does Chinese food make you feel sick? No. Well Filipinos are kinda used to Chinese food, so it would be odd for us to get sick from it. Have you ever seen someone throw up on a plane? Fortunately no. But on a boat and a ship, yes. Do you get motion sickness? Yes, easily.

I’m just going to ignore the next seven questions because I’m tired of entertaining questions like these. Has God ever healed you of anything? If so, what? Do you believe in God? Do you pray, and if so, to whom? What is the most boring church you have ever attended? What is the most lively church you have ever attended? Do you find church fun or boring? When was the last time you went to a church service? When did you learn to ride a bike? I haven’t learned yet. I’ve had a few lucky rounds but they never lasted for more than five seconds. What do you hate the most about summer? The weather. Certainly not as fun when there’s no breeze from the beach complementing the heat. What is your favorite thing to do in a swimming pool? Stay away wherever most of the people are because it’s a little gross. Which part of your body is the most muscular? I don’t know. Do you like sugar skulls? No. Have you ever painted a sugar skull on your face? I probably had it done as a kid. Are you an artist? No. Did you ever take Latin in school? No but we were taught French very briefly because the foundress of my old school is from France. The lessons didn’t really catch on. What was the last race you ran called? I’ve never been in a race/marathon/walkathon before. Do you prefer to run in the street or on the sidewalk? Side of the street. Sidewalks are pretty inconsistent so I’m more likely to trip running on it. Which major holiday is closest to your birthday? Easter is always very near or exactly on my birthday.

[bnhaphoenixzine]

Our third spotlight is for Mod Nooty, our finance and communications mod for Phoenix: From the Ashes - and the last to be introduced in our first batch of mods.

If you want to know more about her, check out her mini-interview beneath the cut, or find her on her Twitter - but if you have other questions about the zine itself, check out our FAQs and Schedule, or drop us a question on our Curious Cat!

Tell us a little about yourself: Hiya~! I’m Nooty, I use she/they, and I’m a business major in college! I’ve been watching and reading BNHA since the first season aired, but only joined the BNHA fandom in 2017. I started writing fanfics in 2018, and oh lookie, it was for BNHA! But as much as I love writing, I’m useless without deadlines 😂 I don’t know what else to say about myself, but Suga suggested I talk about my love for penguins, so I’m going to talk about Suga instead. We went from strangers to enemies to BFFs and I would lay down my life for her a thousand times over, please and thanks. And Kuro is a new friend, but they are funny and lovable and reliable and fren-shaped and I also love them ♡

What other experiences do you have with zines and/or modding? I have 3 years of experience modding discord servers and handling their social media across various fandoms.This will be my first time modding a zine, but I know how important it is to stay accountable when you’re modding any event! The other mods have permission to hold me at gunpoint if I end up being secretive or shady or something. Suga knows my name and address, I’m pretty sure she will hunt me down if I fuck up.

Who is your favourite BnHA character? DEKU DEKU DEKU DEKU DEKU!!!! He’s my adorable and precious sunshine child and I would die for him. I’m a huge huge huge multishipper and dekubowl is my weakness. You write him with anyone and I will weep you a river of joy. Ochako is a close second! She’s also my birthday twin uwu

What is your favourite post-apocalyptic AU? AI uprising and zombie apocalypse!! Nuclear apocalypses are also hella though!

What are you looking forward to the most in this zine? Working with Suga and Kuro!! I love them and they are the best, and I do not accept any constructive criticism. But other than that, I love love love organizing events! I think it’s one of the best ways to connect to and befriend people. Talking about everyone’s different and interesting ideas and AUs is one of the most fun ways to make new friends!  

What’s your favourite type of chocolate? (asked by Nooty) Dark chocolate!! My tolerance for sweeter stuff went down in recent years and I cri.

What’s your star sign? (asked by Suga) Mergoat. I’m a capricorn! I guess I am a liiiitle bit of a workaholic (but Suga’s worse than I am) but I’m not as uptight as other capris can be, I think! I’m too bean to be mean  :’D

How would you fare in your favourite post-apocalyptic AU? (asked by Kuro)   I’d either die first, or survive for a good while due to my tinyness. I have pretty okay-ish stamina and I’m slippery and can hide in tiny spaces. I’m most likely to get killed in my sleep lol. 

Want to be the next moderator we feature in a spotlight? Our moderator applications open tomorrow (and will stay open from March 16 to March 30), so please apply if you’d like to join our team! Alternately, if moderating a zine isn’t for you, then you can always fill in our interest check here.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you believe life is fair? It’s not always fair, but we’re not promised that it will be. Have you ever made a fan account on Instagram? No. Have you ever bought a youtuber’s merch? Yes. Name three people you want to meet in Heaven. I’d love to see my grandma and grandpa again. Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? Yes.

If so, do you believe you are going to Heaven? I pray that I will. What was the best time of your life? Childhood. Do you feel loved or appreciated for who you are? I know I’m loved. I don’t feel there’s anything I should be appreciated for. What could be the theme song of your life? I don’t know. Don’t you hate being all alone? (if applicable) I like spending some time alone. Sometimes I’m completely alone, other times I’m alone in my room but my family is home. I also like spending time with my family. Now as for figuratively, I do feel I’m alone in a lot of ways.  Do you believe rich people are worth more than those who are poor? Wow wtf kind of question is this.  When was the last time you read the Bible? I finished my first read-through earlier this month.  Do you have any embarrassing health issues? Yes. What are you longing for? A life where I’m in better health, happy, and doing something productive.  Who do you wish you could talk to? I miss Ty. What was the name of the college you went to? Nah. Were your college years the best years of your life? No, but I wouldn’t say they were the worst. There were rough times, but what I’d consider my worst years came after. Who was your first roommate? I’ve never had one. Who lived across the hall from you your first year of college? I didn’t live on campus. What was your favorite food they served in the Dining Commons? Do you consider the lunch ladies your friends? Have you ever had a janitorial job? No. Have you ever worked in food service? No. What was your first job? I’ve never had one. What year did you graduate high school? 2008. What’s something of yours that is missing right now? I can’t think of a physical thing that I’m missing. If there is, I’m not aware of it. Do you lose or misplace things a lot? No. Have you ever had a nasty rumor spread about you? No. Has anyone ever tried to ruin your reputation? No. What is your favorite flavor of frosting? Vanilla buttercream. What is your favorite type of donut? Glazed or maple. What is the name of your favorite bakery? I just get stuff like that from the bakery section at the grocery store. What is your current favorite Starbucks drink? White chocolate mocha with soy or a caramel macchiato with soy. I’ve been waiting for them to come out with more fall drinks besides icky pumpkin spice, but they’ve been lagging. Previous years they had other options that I really liked, such as the toasted graham latte. Have you ever been to the very first Starbucks in Seattle? Nope. I’ve never even been to Seattle. Or Washington. When was the last time you wrote someone a letter? Uhhhh. Do you write mostly in cursive or in print? Print. Have you ever called a teacher “mom” by mistake? Yes, in 2nd grade. I was so embarrassed.  Do you like the color of your eyes? Meh. I wish I had blue or green eyes. What color are your eyes? Brown. What was the name of the street you grew up on (if you don’t live there now) Nah. What was the name of the first dorm you lived in? Like I said, I never lived on campus. What was the name of your first imaginary friend? I don’t remember having any imaginary friends per se, but my cousins and I would make up other people when we’d play house or school.  Does it still feel like summer where you live? It most definitely does and has since May. What is today’s date? September 28, 2019.  Who’s birthday is today? One of my cousins.  What do you usually get for your birthday? Clothes. Who’s birthday is coming up next? Another one of my cousins next month. What is the last thing that came in the mail for you from Amazon? Phone case. Do you have a Paypal account? Yes. Have you ever had a brand or company reach out to you on Instagram? No. What is the last thing you purchased from Etsy? Some bracelets. Do you sell on Etsy? Nope.  What is a childhood dream that hasn’t stuck with you? I wanted to be a teacher when I was a kid. What is something you want to change about your life? My health. What is one thing you are looking forward to coming up? The drive I’m tagging along for later on today to drop off my brother. He’s going to one of my favorite cites for the weekend. Have you decorated for fall yet? Just a little. I have stuff for my room I need to get out, but I haven’t done that yet. I’ve been majorly slacking. I still have my Christmas decorations from last Christmas lmao. They’d only be put away for a shot time now... I don’t know if I’ll ever get around to it honestly. Do you type fast? Yeah. What color was your bedroom growing up? White. Who was your first favorite cartoon character? I don’t recall my first favorite cartoon character. I know my first favorite character in general was Barney, though. I was obsessed. Who is your favorite Disney princess? I don’t really have a favorite one.  Do you enjoy typing? I mean, yeah. Definitely over handwriting.  What bank do you use? Nah. What grocery store do you shop at the most? Walmart. What is your favorite fast food place? BK, Taco Bell, McDonald’s, Chick-Fil-A, Jack in the Box. I haven’t been much into fast food for the past few months, though.  Do you get sauce on your pizza? Uh, yeah? Ew, why would you not get sauce on your pizza. That’s an absolute must. Extra sauce for me. Do you like hamburgers? Meh. Do you like Coca Cola? Yeah. Do you like McDonald’s french fries? Yeah. What color is your hair? Naturally it’s dark brown, but I dye it red. Did you get your hair color from your mom, your dad, or a grandparent? My mom. What is your name (first and middle)? My first name is Stephanie. That’s all ya need to know. What are some other names your parents’ considered when naming you? Andrea. What would you have been named if you had been born the opposite gender? Jesse, I think. Do you prefer tea hot or cold? Hot. What is the best fall drink? Coffee (hot). That’s my favorite all year round. Who was the last person you know who had a baby? One of my cousins. …And what was the baby’s name? He’s named after his dad (my cousin). If you had a boy and a girl, what would they be named? I’m not having kids. Do you clean your room often? I keep it clean, it just gets a little cluttered. I need to go through and get rid of some stuff. Who taught you how to drive? No one has, I don’t drive. What color is your dresser? Brown. Do you have a hope chest? No. Do you have a favorite aunt, and if so, who is it? I have an aunt I’m really close with. Who is your favorite cousin? I was really close to a couple of my cousins, but when I distanced myself and became very recluse and withdrawn these past few years, that included from them as well. :/  Do you look like your mom? Yeah. What does your middle name rhyme with? What does your first name mean? “To be crowned” or something like that. Have you bought next year’s calendar yet? Nah. I don’t use calendars except for the one on my phone. The only reason I had one last year was because I won it in a giveaway.  What year did/will you turn 30? I turned 30 this July. Have you found your first gray/white hair yet? I’ve found a few. D: Is your hair long or short? Long. …and which way do you like it best? I like it long. What’s a food that you like, but it makes you feel sick? I just have a messed up stomach and bad indigestion, so. Do you have a problem with needles? Yes. Have you ever had to use an epi pen? No. If so, do you get a bruise when you use it? Have you ever ridden in an ambulence? Yes. If applicable, what color are your glasses? Black. Do you like the name Addison? Sure. Is there anything that you regret getting rid of? Yeah. I have a hard time getting rid of stuff. What have you been saving up to buy for a while? I haven’t been saving up to buy anything, but I do want to start on my Christmas shopping next month. I should have started saving up for that. This month was especially bad for some reason in regards to my spending. Does anything bother you about your past? I have a lot of regrets. Do you get bullied on facebook a lot? No, I never have. Why do you think people bully others? There’s a lot of reasons. Have you ever stood up to a bully? I’ve never been bullied. I was/am  the only bully to myself. Do you post on youtube regularly, if you have a channel? I don’t post at all. Which famous person do you think you could be friends with? I don’t know. If you could sit down and talk to anyone for an hour, who would it be? I wish I could do that with my grandma who passed away over 10 years ago. Do you own striped tights? No. Have you ever made your own Halloween costume out of clothes from ur closet? Yes, a few times. Do you own any antique furniture? I personally don’t. What year were you born? 1989. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? I don’t drink anymore. Do you set goals for yourself? I should. Which country has the coolest flag? I like the American flag. I like Sweden’s flag’s colors. Do you like your country’s flag? Yeah. Which country do you live in? USA. What is your heritage? I really want to do one of those DNA kits to know for sure. When was the last time you received a hug? A few days ago. Do you have anyone who hugs you regularly? Yeah. Who gives the best hugs? My mom. Would you rather have the bottom bunk or top bunk? I’d have to use the bottom bunk. Window seat or aisle seat? I’ve only flown a total of 2 times and both times I sat in the middle. Have you ever thrown up on an airplane? No. Have you ever seen anyone else throw up on an airplane? No. Have you ever gotten sick in the car? Yes. What color pen do you write with the most? Black. Do you still wear clothes from the children’s section? I could. What were your favorite stores when you were in high school? Hot Topic was one of them. For some reason I don’t remember where else I shopped at for clothes.  Do you watch Bethany Mota on youtube? Nah. What color is your watch? I don’t have one. What color was the last pair of flip-flops you wore? I don’t wear flip flops. What is your favorite season? Fall and winter. Were you born in your favorite season? No, I was born in the summer. Blech. Have you eaten oatmeal lately? No, it’s been several months since I’ve hat oatmeal. I was eating it pretty regularly the last couple years, though. If you have bangs, do you cut them yourself? I trimmed them myself back when I had bangs. What color was the last cup you drank out of? Red. Do you enjoy graphic designing? I don’t do any graphic designing.  Do you enjoy editing photos? I like adding filters, ha. I used to dabble with Photoshop sometimes and made photo edits and gifs. What is your favorite app on your phone? I use YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, Spotify, Instagram, and Snapchat the most. Do you answer your phone every time it rings? Only if it’s my parents or brother. Have you ever called the wrong number? Yeah. Do you usually pick Truth or Dare? Truth. Was your first kiss magical? No, but it was all I knew at the time of course and I was pretty giddy about having had my first kiss, even though it was awkward af lol. Do you like kissing? Yes. Who do you want to be best friends with? My best friend is my mom and I’m perfectly happy with that. Do you like to decoupage things? I don’t do that. Do you have a printer? Yeah. How many tabs are open on your browser right now? 1 window, 5 tabs. Which Internet browser do you use? Chrome. Did you have a Myspace page back in the day? Yep. Do you miss Myspace bulletins? No. They were just posts like these are. Did you ever learn HTML? Just the very basics. Have you ever wanted to start a business? Nope.

[maikatc]

black sun tale | jackson

i want more jackson love so i shall share jackson love. also this is from the 3rd draft of bst too and most of it is still in the current canon, just a good amount of changes here or there (like the ending-)

-

Since the sun wanted to kill his skin like usual, Jackson stayed inside with his companion

Despite her constant rambling, he stared at his computer screen in focus. He checked left and right from every forum he travelled to, reading all of the comments and theories that left in each and every one.

“Do you think we should get Finn over? Since he’s basically the same as you and never bothers to listen. Well, actually he’s pretty good at multitasking so it’s mainly just you.”

There was a sour tone in her voice, which her minor complaints caused him to look at her directly rather than his screen. “Mirana, I can still hear everything you say while I read.”

She crossed her arms, “That’s impossible,” she scoffed.

“Have you ever seen some foreign movie with subtitles?”

Mirana looked at him deadpanned. “I was forced to, yes.”

Jackson sighed, he figured that socializing during the summer was probably a good thing. “Just call Finn over.”

“Okay! I’ll go on speaker.” Mirana grabbed her phone as Jackson comforted himself back to his laptop, muttering.

“Why am I even friends with you guys again?”

“Because childhood friends are bitches like that.”

“Right.” He cringed at his own lack of silence.

“I’m guessing Jackson’s being a prick again?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“That’s the reason you always invite Finn over here,” Jackson entered the conversation as Finn entered through the doorway.

Mirana crossed her arms. “I always tell you guys to go out but no,” she spited.

Jackson rolled his eyes, “You haven’t seen the news lately, haven’t you?”

Finn replied, “You mean the area deaths?”

“Mirana, do you really think anyone would go out with that situation at hand.” Jackson eyed her as she played with her red hair.

Mirana looked down, muttering words Jackson couldn’t hear. She looked back at both of them, “Well, we can always just go somewhere indoors. You guys just stay in your houses all the time.”

“I’m researching about the area deaths.”

“I’m trying to hack online friends for a prank.”

Jackson and Finn replied to her simultaneously.

The girl sighed and pointed at Jackson, “Okay that’s too depressing to spend days on,” she shifted her hand towards Finn, “And that just means you need more of a life.”

Finn chuckled, “They hacked me a few days ago, gotta get em back.”

Mirana shriveled downwards, “Y’all need more vitamin D, goddamnit.”

Jackson opened his computer again, “That’s why they made pills for it.”

“Don’t forget the flavored gummies.” Finn added, going on his phone in the process.

Mirana stared at them deadpanned. “… You guys suck.”

As Jackson’s focus drifted back to forums, a hand suddenly closed his laptop, causing him to jump. He saw Mirana take Finn’s phone as well.

“What the hell?” Finn his arms up as his phone was gone.

She swiftly grabbed both of their arms, her strength being able to pull them up. “I’m dragging you guys out. We’re going to the diabetes shop.”

Jackson’s eyes lowered at her. “Fucking hell.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll get you guys candy in return.”

Jackson pulled himself out of the girl’s grasp. “Let me at least get ready to go.” He looked at himself, still just in a white t-shirt and black boxers.

He walked to his drawer of clothing, taking off his shirt in the process.

“Don’t you ever think that’s too forward?” Finn commented.

Jackson opened a drawer full of shirts, “It’s not like I’m trying to get you guys to sleep with me. Well, anybody anyways.”

“Yes, we’ve already gotten over this: You don’t like people.” Mirana stood by his bedroom doorway as she spoke. All the while, Finn was on his phone he had gotten back from the girl. “Besides, out of anybody, Finn would be the one distracted by you right now.”

Finn turned away from his phone immediately. “Middle school means nothing.”

“And nothing came out of it, so now we’re just chill.” Jackson grabbed a grey t-shirt he’d gotten from concert Mirana brought him to around a year back. He put it on without much thought and then wore a red unbuttoned flannel over it.

As Mirana and Finn talked to each other, returning regrettable middle school memories, Jackson added a simple pair of jeans and a belt to complete his outfit. He tucked his shirt in as he walked towards the mirror. He fixed up his tuff of brown hair lying on top of his coffee-colored skin. Adding his grey newsie cap on his head, he turned towards the others.

“You definitely go on the internet too much.” Finn eyed his outfit.

Mirana laughed, “I still don’t get why you where that hat, I gave it to you as a joke.”

Jackson shrugged. “Well, I like it.”

“It makes you look like an old man.” Mira smiled.

“Let’s just go,” Jackson grinned at their common talk.

 ***

 “I still hate the sun.” Jackson complained.

“Take off your flannel then,” Mira told him, rolling her eyes.

Finn said, “Hey Jackson, there’s this one video I’ve been meaning to show you too.”

“Finn, another video and I’ll take your phone again.” Mira remarked, causing Finn to place his mobile in his pocket yet again.

“Oh yeah, you heard of the Katzmann death, right?” Jackson asked Finn.

Finn nodded. “We’re screwed.”

“I still don’t get why you used the excuse of the area deaths when you still die indoors now.” Mira grumbled to herself.

“It’s more common outside though, the Katsmann kid was the first time a death was inside. And that happened like two days ago.” Finn spoke in defense.

“I still want to know why this is happening. It’s just getting weirder…” Jackson furrowed his eyebrows, his sight on the ground as he walked in the streets. His curiosity had peaked as always.

“Leave that to the government.” Mira’s hand made a brushing motion.

“It’s easier like that but people should try to figure it out so they’d know what to make best in the situation.”

“Yeah, yeah, but your ideas are too out of proportions.” Mira retorted.

“Don’t go into one of your journalism talks again please, Jackson.” Finn commented.

Jackson sighed and let go of the conversation.

The traffic was busy as always, creating the city noise he’s listened to for almost five years. Turning his newsie cap backwards, he observed the tall buildings engraved in his mind as his friends talked to each other about whatever gossip Mira had. Their snickers mixed with nostalgic sounds eased him slightly.

However, there were ideas peeking through his mind again, area deaths being the topic of course. The number of clues for the cause is nothing to discuss. There was no reason for many of them to just die so suddenly. Everybody would just fall from system failure. No way it couldn’t been a shooting, no injuries. How could a virus appear out of nowhere and kill others instantly without any other contact? How would the virus just disappear suddenly after mere seconds of so many dying? How could no one else around the area be affected if it were to spread so quickly? Why-

He bumped into somebody, someone shorter than him for sure. He looked down from his height to see a boy around his early teens down on the ground from lack of attention. Mira and Finn stopped with him.

The boy had white hair, likely dyed, covering his eye and strangely pale skin. He bore a simple, yet untucked, buttoned shirt and tight black jeans. His visible eye stared at him dully, though it shone a pretty blue.

He got himself up after muttering something under his mouth.

“Sorry, ‘you alright?” Jackson asked looking down at him. He was definitely short, maybe less than five feet compared to himself being over six.

The boy observed him again, and with a small curve on his lip, he said, “Yeah, but you better pay more attention.” He walked off without any other comment.

“You should probably pay more attention too,” Finn fussed.

         They walked for about another minute until Mira noted, “Well this was a pretty short walk. Not much to complain about, right?”

“I’m still sweating like shit, Mira,” Jackson bickered, “Shut up.”

Mira ran to the store door, “There’s a thing called cold drinks, you know.”

Finn walked inside. “I’m just gonna have some sour candies and soda while I plan on what the hell to do with life after high school.”

Jackson sighed as he walked in himself. “Same though, I don’t want to think about the college applications in two years.”

“And I don’t want to think about that stuff since we just went through sophomore year and it’s summer, so be quiet.” Mirana entered, slamming the door.

The store was the same as always, an array of candies near the cashier and soda pop stacked upon each other in rows. Throughout the store held packs of what kids get nowadays: junk food. Though laid around were mediocre everyday items such as earbuds or chargers, which were simply begging to be bought with their cheap prices. Jackson and company mainly went however for the small table they held for customers who just wanted to relax. Though, behind the front counter was a man around their age, who they all knew well.

His name was Kasen, his parents were managers so it was the easiest job to get, from what Jackson heard. Whenever he’d visit the shop for a quick grab of snacks for a sleepover, he would chat with him whilst paying with the little cash he’d have at the moment.

His aloof attitude towards the job made the shop surprisingly more welcoming with his honest attitude. Which is its own downside since he makes the family more money from the teenage crowd, thus his parents force him to stay.

“Yo, Kasen,” Finn walked towards him immediately. “How’s today’s shift going for you?”

Kasen looked up from the article he was reading on his phone. “Boring as usual.” He wore his signature, busted nametag as well as a short-sleeved hoodie for the heat. All the while he placed iced coffee from the coffee shop down the street and a fan to keep him cool.

Jackson shrugged, “Well, at least you have company now.”

Mirana picked out three individual candies that each of them liked themselves and placed them all in front of Kasen as she grabbed her wallet. “I told you guys I’ll by candy for you,” she placed the exactly amount of money on the counter to pay, “So here you go.” 

“I still have to scan it.”

Mira paused. “Oh yeah.” She handed the treats back to him.

Kasen quickly put his long-cut blonde bangs behind his ear and scanned all of them to hand them back to her. “Okay, now you guys can have it.” He took a sip of his iced-coffee again as he took the cash to put in the system.

“Wait!” Finn suddenly said. “What about the drinks?”

After a quick moment of silence, Kasen sighed as the computer printed out the receipt. “Just get your soda already and pay me again.”

 “I still don’t get why you guys just have a table here…” Mirana sat back as she ate gummies.

Kasen leaned forward from his counter. “Well, it was my idea when I was younger, my parents bought it as a present so I wouldn’t be running around the store while they worked. Plus, I thought that people who wanted to stay shouldn’t be standing. Didn’t really noticed how weird it was until I got older.” He snickered pulling up his glasses.

Finn chugged some of his cold, orange pop and took a sighed as he swallowed. “Aren’t we the only people who actually sit here?”

Kasen shrugged, “Well, there are some who do, but they don’t bother talking to me. Mainly since they’re basic bitches, but they get annoying easily so I don’t really try at the same time.”

“Makes sense,” Jackson nodded, “You’re a good man, Kasen, a good man.”

“Yes,” Kasen chuckled, “A good man without an idea of what degree I even wanna get.” He took another sip of coffee.

“Isn’t that half the students though,” Mira questioned.

“I guess so. I mean, at least I’m pretty sure my parents will let me quit after graduating.”

Jackson indulged in his popping candy as the others talked. He already had a basic plan after graduating high school, though without older siblings like Finn had, he didn’t have anything to make reference of for himself.

“Damnit…” He muttered, taking a sip of his lemonade as the others laugh about some random new topic.

 ***

 Jackson had returned to his cozy apartment, lying beside his dining table and lightly chuckling from the thoughtless jokes of the media.

Mira and Finn had left hours ago, all the while his mother had arrived back from the hospital, cooking up dinner. Her bleached hair puffed up into a mess like always as her small eyes carried bags underneath.

Jackson turned towards her directing, eying that she wobbled as she walked.

Jackson stood up, closing his laptop as he slipped next to her and place his hand on her shoulder. “You’ve worked two nights shifts and a day shift to top it off, I’ll make dinner.”

The woman blinked at him slowly, only to place the cutting knife she held for vegetables and sighed “Fine.”

She stumbled towards the table and slumped down on a chair.

Jackson nodded to himself as she already fell to a slumber, and went on to cut the rest of the veggies to use for the last step.

The rice noodles were already being boiled and the chicken breast was already cut. All Jackson had to wait for was the rice noodles to be ready.

 His mother blinked her eyes open as Jackson stirred all of the ingredients together in a wok.

Jackson stirred repetitively for some time until the clattering of plates struck his ears. He turned to see his mother grabbing plates without precaution. Though, he shrugged and laid his eyes down upon the food. “The pancit is ready.” He said as he began serving food to the plate that had been passed to him.

“You’re starting to make better food than me, it took seventeen years.” Her mouth slurred as she spoke as Jackson passed the plate he held to her.

“I’ve been good, besides you passed out immediately once I offered help,” Jackson scoffed.

After gathering their food and utensils, the two sat on the dining table together.

“So how did your day go?”

The light shined above them dimly, and his mother’s voice was weaker than normal.

“Mira dragged me and Finn to the shop. She paid for treats though so I didn’t have to use any money.”

The woman sighed. “Well that’s good. But I’ll pass you some more money by the end of the month.”

Jackson dragged his food around silently. “You know that you don’t have to save for college money now…”

His mother looked down on her plate as she chewed up her meal slowly. As she swallowed, she replied, “I’m just trying to being precautious. My family budget got screwed over for my education around your age.”

“But you still managed.”

“But, I had to work my ass off while you were just a baby.”

Jackson scoffed, “I know, I know. But it isn’t like I’ll be in that situation.”

She sighed, placing her spoon down gently, “Look, I’ve been working enough extra shifts for the hospital to offer me a vacation week. Will that make you a bit happier?”

Jackson took a spoonful of his meal. “Yeah, just rest for the week though. I’ll take care of the house.”

“Thank you, Jackson.”

They continued to eat the meal until Jackson picked up both of the empty plates to wash. His mother meanwhile, sat at the table to have some herbal tea and bread. An array of clean dishes on the other side were waiting to be put back in place, however Jackson’s desire to was barely existent as he washed more things.  

“So, Mom, have there ever been survivors of area deaths that were in the hospital?”

“No, even the news says that no one in those places survived, you’d know that better than me.” Jackson could easily tell with her tone that she was confused.

He replied, “Yeah, but the news gets information wrong sometimes, so it’s always good to gain your own evidence.”

His mother took a sip of her tea. “That’s true. I’m guessing you’re making your own little conspiracy theories again?”

Jackson rolled his eyes with a grin. “No, this situation’s too vague to have a real solution here.” He said while placing a dish to the clean side of the sink.

“Are you going to keep trying to look for clues?”

Jackson groaned, “With how weird this all is, and the situation just getting stranger, I’m not even sure if anyone is gonna get a solid theory to this.”

His mother hummed thoughtlessly, “Well, even the absurd theories end up being true sometimes, so what do you got?” She took a bite of her bread in the process.

Jackson finished up the last dish and turned off the sink. He turned towards his mother with his hands holding the counter behind him. “The closest shot that I have is some artificial virus.”

She eyed him in a tired surprise while saying with bread in her mouth, “And what makes you say that?”

Jackson took a seat across from the woman, stretching his arms while looking at her straight. “Well, if you look at how the area-deaths go. They only happen in a specific location at the moment, and it kills everyone almost immediately. So, what if someone or some people had developed a virus they could activate and spread however they’d like. But at the same time if this were in a, most likely, terrorist perspective, it wouldn’t make sense to just attack specific people out of convenience when they can make mass destruction so easily with that type of destruction. Even more nonsensical that they would guess use this technology on singular people such as the children who’re kept and-… yeah.” He stopped himself from rambling too much.

“Hm, makes sense that this would be tricky. But maybe you should try and see other perspectives on who may have done this if there was someone in action.” His mother stirred her tea as she spoke, spreading the scent of plants and herbs across the room to Jackson’s dismay.

Jackson shrugged. “It’s hard to think of any. This tech would be impossible to create without tons of money or support.”

“With the world nowadays, anything can happen really.” She took another sip of her tea, tipping her head downwards only to get herself back up quickly.

Similar to past nights, Jackson got up to take away her tea and bread. “You’re going to work again tomorrow, right? Go to sleep.”

She blinked until she replied, “Okay, okay. But you’re drinking the rest of that tea for me.”

“That’s fine with me, mom.”

She got up with him as he walked with her to her bedroom.

“Oh yeah,” his mother said whilst slumping herself through the short hallway, “did you have fun with Mira and Finn?”

“Yeah, we talked with Kasen at the shop too, but I was still busy thinking so I spaced out for most of it.”

She softly chuckled, “Of course you did.”

They arrived at her room, all a mess with dirty clothing and mail, and she wobbled her way to fall on her bed. “Night, Jackson,” she said dozily.

“Night, Mom,” he replied as he closed the door with a soft creak.

Jackson walked back to the living room to go back to his laptop. All the while he was in the regular thoughts of a 34-year-old woman working herself exhaustingly for her almost already-independent child.

 ***

 Mirana sat quietly on the floor with her sketchbook while Jackson took notes on his bed for summer homework. As Jackson bored himself with science facts, he noticed Mirana had observed him with her pencil at hand.

He listened to her sketching on her paper as comfort, the pencil tip scratching ever so slightly against the sheets.

“So, what are you drawing now?”

Mirana placed the pencil eraser on her lip, focusing on his position yet again. “Trying to make a sketch of you, but this angle is tricky of course.”

“Why don’t you just move somewhere else to get an easier angle?” Jackson raised his brow, though her answer would most likely be predictable.

She shrugged, “The harder the angle, the more impressive it is to pull it off.”

Jackson typed up a quick fact that he’d forget later. “I still don’t get how people can draw.”

“Well, at least you can take pictures,” Mirana scoffed.

Jackson rolled his eyes. “You just don’t know how to take pictures of people.”

“Adding a filter like you do doesn’t work on everything.” Mirana whined quietly as Jackson turned to his notes again.

They continued doing their own work. And whilst Mirana seemed to have fun in her focus, Jackson began to grow a headache as per usual.

“Hey Mira, are you almost done with your sketch?” He asked.

“Oh, I actually just did. You still have those colored pencils I gave you, right?”

Jackson replied, “You told me to keep them in case you drew here so I left them to die in my closet. Go look there. I’m gonna get some pills.”

Mirana put her sketchbook and pencil, beginning to stand in the process. “’Kay, thanks”

Jackson pushed his laptop aside and got up from his bed. Muttering to himself about not sleep depriving himself before working.

He quickly walked to the living room cabinets, finding headache pills quickly from the last time he left it there. He grabbed the cup of water he’d abandoned from morning breakfast and took the pills with it, having a good chug of the rest of the cup for safe measures. Though as he drank the rest of the cup, thoughts raised through his head.

The quicker I get this work done, the more time I have to relax and�� maybe get some money from a job. I’ll look after. It’s starting to get dark though-.  

His surroundings turned grey and silent as he felt a brush on his back in a flash. He choked on his water from flinching, though everything went back to normal the second he coughed it out.

Jackson gasped for air as he stumbled his hands towards the counter edges. He slowly breathed out, “What the hell…” as he stilled to calm down.

“Jackson, you okay?” He turned around to see Mirana by the end of the hallway.

Jackson let go of the counter and answered her. “I just choked on my water a little bit,” he sighed.

The woman crossed her arms and lowered her eyes. “I could hear from the other room. Your walls were thin enough.”

“Of course,” Jackson groaned as he straightened up his t-shirt.

“Have some more water. The pills won’t support your choking bit right there.”

“Sure, sure,” Jackson grumbled as his poured more water from the pitcher.

“So,” Mirana said as Jackson started drinking again, “what made you so startled anyways to that point.”

“It was an accident.”

“Yes, but choking that much by an accident isn’t really that believable.”

Jackson took another gulp of his water. “It was just random chills. I’ll look it up later or something.”

Mirana stayed quiet until she sighed, “Okay then, I’m just gonna go back to coloring.”

She walked back to where she disappeared in Jackson’s eyes. As he turned to look back at the window set on the living room wall. 

The streets were just as lively as ever. Kasen was probably taking a nap during his breakshift of the day, while Finn procrastinated to even read his english books in the first place most likely. Despite his rural beginnings, everything that brought out curiosity and naivety to him had faded into the mundane.  

His mind continued racing until he finished his drink, swifting the glass towards the sink to clean later and going back to his room. 

Though, Jackson opened the door to find his room floor covered in multiple dull colored pencils. He looked ahead to already see a blur of colors in Mirana’s sketchbook.

Carefully, Jackson dawdled to the other side of the room. “You don’t have to throw all the shitty pencils across the room,” he retorted.

Mirana scoffed, “They aren’t shitty. They just aren’t needed for the sketch.”

Jackson rolled his eyes from her ignorance as he sat next to her, getting a better sight of the sketch.

She managed to catch his appearance well, like usual. His light tan-skin was replicated using a simple mix of pencil shades. His eyes squinted smaller than they already were as he focused, which was a usual habit in his defense. Though Jackson noticed his hair was a brown mess, and he subconsciously fixed his hair with his hand as his eyes analyzed the piece some more.

“Goddamnit Mira, it’s good.”

“Thanks, I mainly just colored you but I think I’m gonna move on to an outfit sketch.” She spoke as she turned to the next page, catching some stuck pages out from seemed to be dirt.

“What kind of outfit are you thinking of?”

“Just a thin dress, for when I go out swimming, you know?” She started sketching out lines of the model’s head.

Jackson’s mind swirled about what type of design it’d be, though another question came to mind.

“With how many outfits you made, did you ever consider being a designer or something?”

Mirana scrunched up, tapping her pencil slowly as she slightly hummed. “I’m not really sure yet. I like doing art in general, outfits are kinda just another hobby but I don’t know shit about actual fabric stuff.”

Jackson shrugged as she kept sketching slowly. “Yeah, but you can always learn, that’s what half the internet was made for.”

Mirana chuckled. “Yeah, but I prefer using the other half,” she clicked.

Jackson scrunched his eyes. “If you’re implying what I think you’re implying, get out.”

She snickered as he groaned back onto his own workspace.

“So, Jackson, what are you gonna do when I’m gone for the next two weeks?”

Jackson opened an online textbook, “Oh- Wait, shouldn’t you be packing right now?”

Mirana said, “I already did all of that last night. It was pretty easy.”

“You just stuffed everything you had other than your sketchbook and materials into your luggage without a thought, didn’t you?”

She grinned. “Pretty much.”

Jackson shook his head, “Your car trip’s gonna be around 2 days long…”

“Yeah, but out of anything, all I really need for survival is my sketchbook. Same goes for my music but I always have that so no need to worry.”

Jackson sighed, “Don’t come complaining to me when you don’t know where your swim-suit is.”

Mirana looked up from her sketchbook, “What? I got too focused on something.”

Of course, he thought. His screen became his sight again as he said, “Just don’t die in Massachusetts.”

“You’d probably like it more than me really, colder than here in New York City.”

Jackson smiled. “Trust me, I don’t like anything considering the weather.”

 ***

 “It’s been two weeks. More kids died in their apartments. News is saying that people are starting to move. And at the same time, we still have no idea why this is happening in the first place.”

Finn commented, “There haven’t been anything else like this outside of NYC, so it could be worse.”

Jackson snapped back, “But what if it does get worse?” He slammed down his laptop from the kitchen table, walking off to refill his glass of water from minutes prior.

“Jackson?”

He chugged his cup full down with a vitamin D pill quickly, coughing and wiping his mouth with a sigh as he finished. “What,” he gasped.

 “You’re getting stressed again. Calm down.”

Jackson huffed. “I don’t understand what’s going on anymore. The press would’ve released something weeks ago explaining, but all I get is shitty blogposts.”

He sat at his table again, arms over his head and kicking his long legs back and forth from the stool. “If we keep this up, we’re all gonna die soon enough.”

Finn stood silently, then sat on another stool on the side. He clapped his hands together while taking a breath. “Okay. Jackson, we aren’t gonna die. Out of anything if we see people die, just turn for it until you’re out of the area completely. Maybe try not to breathe, I don’t know.”

“But we still don’t know the main cause, we’re fucked.”

“Jackson, you have to calm down,” he patted Jackson’s back.

Jackson said blankly, “What’ll happen if my mom gets involved?”

“Jackson!” Hands stuck his arms tightly, turning him to face Finn again, who was stricken with concern in his eyes. “You need to stop worrying about this stuff. You should know out of everybody that it’s not good for you.”

Jackson blinked, then replied slowly, “If we stop doing anything, we’ll get nowhere. If we don’t know anything, we’ll get nowhere… We need this.”

Finn sighed, letting him go steadily. He glared at him softly, “Just don’t stress yourself out like that anymore.”

“Don’t worry. I think I’m fine now, I’ll just take some relax pills.” Jackson stood and turned to the cabinet of pills, grabbing a bottle of valerian root pills. He refilled his cup again to take it in.

He finished the cup silently as Finn attempting to make conversation after their talk.

“Huh, that’s a first.”

Finn cocked a brow. “What?”

Jackson said, “I’ve been having these weird chills lately at random, and over half the time it was when I was drinking water. And for the first time in two weeks,” he raised his cup, “I was able to drink an entire cup without getting any.”

“Wait,” Finn asked, “Is that why you’ve been drinking tons of water and choking?”

Jackson nodded, “Yeah, didn’t really like it but I wanted to see how long it’d last. Besides I stay inside so much that I might as well get a lot of hygiene to compensate.”

“Understandable.” Finn went back to his phone. “So, you said that you were hanging out with Mira tomorrow when she comes back, right?”

“Yeah, down at the Amersford park at 2:30.”

“Do you think I can join a bit after? I’ll be like an hour late since I’m gonna hang out with some of the basketball guys.”

Jackson shrugged, “Yeah sure, she’s pretty much just hanging out with us as a way of getting out of unpacking for a bit so the more the merrier.”

Finn chuckled, “Her room’s gonna be a disaster either way so it’s fine.”

“I’ll text her later. But for right now, you’ll go do my math work for me.”

 ***

 Jackson’s phone buzzed while he looked at pop culture news. He picked it up to see Mirana’s name plastered on the phone.

He clicked the green button and answered, “Are you almost here? It’s almost two.”

“We got here earlier than expected, so do you think you can come over now?”

Jackson looked at himself, dressed in a random t-shirt and a pair of boxers yet again. “I can, but I need some time to get ready first.”

“You’re in your boxers again, aren’t you?”

“Yep.”

“Okay I’m just gonna wait with YouTube. See ya soon.”

She hung up right afterwards.

Jackson groaned from his own lack of sleep and got up regretfully. After taking deep breath, he dashed to his drawer and quickly dressed himself. He immediately brushed his teeth in the bathroom, washed up his face, and fixed up his hair. He snatched his newsie-cap and phone to be completely ready to go in the record-time speed of five minutes.

He quietly said goodbye to his resting mother before going off.

Jackson called her again as he started walking to the park.

“Are you out of your house yet?”

“Yeah, I’m on my way.”

“Good, you’re being productive.”

“Unlike you.”

“Shut up”

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

“Oh, bye then.”

Jackson hung up the phone as he started to take his ten-minute walk of the week.

 ***

 Just a block away from Amersfort park, and Jackson only struck silence in his ears. He cocked his head to say the least once he noticed.

He walked to the entrance steadily. He found a scent wasn’t of the city’s smoke, which was utmost peculiar causing him to walk quicker.

A thick atmosphere comforted around him as he got closer, and his hand suddenly began to burn but he ignored it during the flashes of monochrome that appeared in his sights, with chills going down his spine continuously.

He got to the entrance, and slowly turned to see what exactly was going on.

His eyes widened to the point where it hurt. His blood ran colder than it had ever been before as his heartbeat sped up faster and faster. His eyes slowly began having forming thick, wet tears that burned against his cold figure.

He couldn’t stop staring at all of messy, bloody bodies that laid before him. The eyes of pain they’d left only made sense with the giant puncture on their bodies.

And what laid across the entrance of the park was dyed-red hair that he could always remember.

Mirana ended up dead in New York City.

Though, as Jackson stood in shock, his eyes caught a black figure standing. It was ginormous, skin wrinkled up to its spine and a black aura surrounding them as well. However, its paws held thick claws that were stained red.

This isn’t real.

The monster turned and saw Jackson.

This isn’t real.

It took a single step towards him.

He could barely think.

He could barely tell reality anymore

However, one single thought formed completely.

Run.

[irisvessel]

.

some stuff lately:

i passed all my classes with straight As. this quarter is probably my hardest one yet because i had so much to do last minute so i can transfer unis by 2020 fall (signing up for extra classes, doing uni applications, learning completely new things, etc). i put my all into school this quarter and sacrificed a large portion of my social life for it. i lost some friends too. i guess my being involved with school so much was misconstrued somehow. i hate labeling myself a victim, but the people that cut me off are the same people that have mistreated me badly. so i think losing these people isn’t the worst thing in the world. also, i lost a lot of weight because of school;; since it’s winter break now i’m trying to eat better though so i’ll be okay... i’m really glad my efforts have paid off though, i’m really proud of myself for getting straight As in spite of everything that’s been going on in my life the past few months

this was mentioned in the last point but i applied to universities! i went to a university two years ago to study architecture but decided to change majors so i went back home to attend a community college in preparation of my new area of study. that’s what i’ve been doing the past year and half. applications were stressful as hell but i got through them! hopefully i’ll be accepted into my top schools :D

met up with a friend i haven’t seen in awhile to bake cookies!! they were promare themed, we made our own icing and designs. fun fact i’ve known this friend for 8 years and our friendship started off online. i love that a lot of my close friendships started off online, usually from tumblr or deviantart :P

i took a little vacation with some of my friends and went to monterey (it’s a coastal town in california). it was really nice to see them because we all go to different schools and don’t get to see each other very often. actually, all of us met on tumblr years ago so we started off as online friends :P we ate a ton of yummy food and went to the aquarium and walked around the little towns. i might upload pictures later if i remember

since school took up a lot of my life in the fall, i didn’t have the time nor motivation to draw, which is why i haven’t been making stuff lately... i felt really bad for missing out on shisuita week. but i’m back from my small getaway with my amazing friends, so my spirits are kind of lifted. i hope to be drawing again soon. it’s kind of hard to start drawing again when you’ve stopped for awhile. i miss picking up a pen for purposes other than schoolwork

it’s christmas eve right now, and i’m almost finished with shopping for presents for my family ;__; i’m heading out in a bit to buy my brother’s gift and then i’ll be done.

this was super long and ramble-y, so if you’ve read all the way till the end, thank you and happy holidays T__T <3

[anatomyandcappuccini]

HOW TO BE READY FOR SEPTEMBER

AND WHY IT IS THE PERFECT MONTH FOR FRESH STARTS

Hey! It’s been a long time since I wrote a master post here... And I’m really sorry about that. I had a pretty busy summer and honestly, I wasn’t that inspired. I barely had time to manage my new studygram (btw it would mean the world if you follow me!!).

However, I’m back now, stronger than ever as I got the opportunity to live tons of new experiences this summer... Good and bad. I learned a lot and I’m grateful for everything this period brought to me.

Now, let’s get to the true subject of this post, which is how to get ready for September!

Why September ?

Because September is a month that I personally love since it means that a new school/uni year will start, and I think it’s the best season to try something new or to switch your routine a bit. I’ve always been better at taking new initiatives in September than for the NYE and I noticed that every year I apply the same kind of ritual. 

We’re in the middle of August right now and I think it’s the best moment to prepare yourself a bit so you can start September in the best way possible :)

I also think you can link this article to a previous one that I consider super important and you can read it here if you haven’t already done it! :) 

Step 1 - Reflect

Take a step back and think about what you did during this last year. If you were at school, think about what you want to get better at, what skills you may want to improve and/or which study method really worked for you and which didn’t. 

Think about your current routine and/or the one you have right now and ask yourself if it will be sustainable once you start school, or how you’ll be able to do it whilst going to school every day. 

This will let you reflect on what you learned during this year, what you’d like to know more of, and what mistakes you may have made. Be thankful for every experience you have faced, and always remember that experiences make you grow as a person. Don’t criticize yourself, don’t judge, just observe, say « thank you » and use this as a way to become more mature and closer to the person you want to be. 

Also, don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself as this “reflection” time will really help you to set up your goals for this new fresh start.

Step 2 - Write down your goals

What do you want to improve? Do you want to start a new routine? Do you want to get rid of a bad habit? Do you want to get better grades in maths? 

Write down everything and be as clear as possible. You can also separate each goal by its specificity. I like to make 3 columns, one for each kind of goal :

My new routine goals : ex. Waking up earlier, eating more home cooked meals, doing homework right after going home, etc.

What I want to stop : biting my nails, neglecting maths, etc.

What I need to maintain : day-by-day planning, studying a little every day, actually reading the textbooks, etc. 

The most important thing is that your goals have to be achievable. Start slowly but surely!! 

Think about how you’re gonna achieve what you want, find new strategies, do some research and/or ask for tips! 

You can also start working on your goals right now so it will be easier once school starts. For example, my goals for September are to be able to wake up earlier, going to the gym more often and also trying to do more meditation. In order to achieve that, I’m already changing my routine because I have a lot of free time so I can “test” this routine and see if I’ll be able to stick to it once I start uni again. I’ll then adjust it in function of how it feels :)

Don’t be afraid to dream big!!

Step 3 - Get into the mood

September means a new start, and new starts mean that you’re allowed to change your environment! Here’s my non-exhaustive list about what you can do :

Review some topics that have to be well known for the incoming year. You’re late with the math program? It’s the best time to get in touch with it again! I know it may be super boring but you’ll be much less stressed when you start the year :)

Download apps and/or buy some books that will be useful for the incoming year! Ask to previous year students what helped them and ask for advice ! You may know super useful tips you never thought of!

Upgrade your studyspace/bedroom (check my article about this!) - it’s like buying new workout clothes : it motivates you much more. I remember when I switched my desk and bed I actually wanted to spend all my free time in my bedroom! 

Buy new stationery - new planners, pens, agendas, notebooks! Of course, don’t buy tons of useless stuff and make sure you’ll actually use them (even if having 10 super cute notebooks seems really tempting :P ) 

Make a September playlist!! I always love doing this, most of the time I add happy and motivating songs so they get me in the best mood ever :D

Make your vision/dream board!! This is the most amusing and creative way to help you visualize your goals! Save images/pictures/quotes that you like, and print them or make a collage and make it your new computer wallpaper or hang them in your bedroom. You just have to put it in a place where you’ll be able to see it every day!! By doing so, you’ll actually wake up every morning seeing your dream board and you’ll start the day feeling more inspired !

Talking about inspiration, I think September is a good moment to get rid of toxic stimulations. We may not notice it but most of us tend to spend a lot of time on social media. I don’t know you but I had a period in my life where I just woke up in the morning and the first thing I would do was checking Instagram and most of the time I fell so upset about my life when I was seeing all the “dreamy” pictures taken by “influencers”. It made me feel so bad that one day I decided to unfollow all these pages that made me feel like crap. For each page/person that you follow on social media, try to ask yourself if it actually inspires you or it just makes you feel bad/anxious about yourself. Unfollow every page that doesn’t bring you anything positive or that is not helping you get motivated. Follow instead pages that support the same things as you and that inspire you to be the best version of yourself!!! Remember P-O-S-I-T-I-V-I-T-Y is the key to success :)

Start a bujo, and plan your year ahead. Write down all due dates, exam dates, vacations and everything you want! Make reading lists, movie lists, new recipes, challenges, etc. I find it to be so practical and also creative. 

Start a new TV show! Since I started this studyblr I discovered Gilmore Girls and I absolutely love it!! It’s really relaxing to watch and Rory Gilmore is definitely my inspiration character haha. Just remember that watching 3 seasons in a row is a bit anti-productive :P 

Get informed about college applications/internships/jobs or everything related to your academic future. It’s always better to be informed soon so you can already prepare yourself.

Start a studyblr/studygram : I found it to be the best source of motivation I’ve ever had. Starting this blog is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made!! This community is honestly amazing and I love how supporting and genuine it is! I find it to be so inspiring and you guys share so many great tips!

So that’s it! I know that you may be very upset that school/uni/work starts soon but you can make this new start more fun! Personally, I always get a bit stressed in September because of the all coming deadlines but following these tips always helped me figure out what I need to do or what habits I need to change in order to SLAY this new academic year :D

I hope these tips will help you and that you’ll have a great fresh start on your first day!

Margot X

STUDYGRAM

[pennyfynotes]

8.2.18 // 4:30pm // school subjects and AP exams oh my

so i recently (ok not so recently i’m sorry super busy rn) got an ask from an anon about subject specific tips and ap exams. this is the masterpost i told you to look out for ;). there are no ap exams in college, but some of the stuff is still applicable. i did my best to be as comprehensive as possible and dump everything in one place. hope this is helpful! xoxo, m ps. guess where the actual tips are?    if you said “under the cut” then you’re right bc i’m predicable af

tips by subject:

languages (i took spanish): 1. flashcards are your friend. i don’t care if they’re digital (would recommend quizlet or studyblue) or paper, but they help immensely with either vocab or things like remembering literature.

2. charts are also your friend. conjugations giving you a hard time? write out a chart of the different tenses and the conjugations for each subject. put down some of the irregulars too.

3. acronyms/pnemonics are also also your friend. a lot of these already exist, you just have to go find them. i’m pretty sure i still remember what “wedding” stands for for the spanish subjunctive.

4. it’s ok to start over. it’s easy to start a sentence based on what you’d say in english. you’re doing fine until *bam* you hit that word/phrase you really need but you have no clue how to say it. whether it’s an oral or written exam, take a few seconds to think about it and, if you can’t figure it out, just back track. restart the sentence and rework it. better to do that than to lose all your time thinking of one word you may or may not know.

5. skirt around things. if you can’t remember how to say fridge but you really need to say it for something, just say “machine that keeps food cold” or something. it might sound silly,  but it gets the point across and removes the road block.

6. make a list. no, not a to do list. if there’s phrases you find yourself reaching for all the time, but you can never remember, make a list of them and their translations. it might be because its a phrase/part of a sentence structure you use a lot in your native language or whatever. make that list and drill just those few phrases into your head. it’s helpful

english/language arts: 1. proofread. i guarantee you’ll find a mistake, a sentence that makes no sense, or one that just sounds cringy. thank me later.

2. have a damn thesis. its ok if you just need to write and spit words/ideas out for a while to figure it out. but figure it out.

3. conclusion ~= introduction. for those of you who didn’t get the tilde, it means not. yes, they both tie your points to your thesis but they are not to same. do not just reword the same information in the conclusion. push your ideas just a little further. i usually like the push them a little bit outside the realm of what i talked about in my paper. for example, if i focused on the first 5 chapters of the book in the rest of my paper, i’ll expand the ideas to the rest of the book. or if i’m talking about female characters and focus on just one or two, i’ll use the conclusion to potentially connect it to another.

4. have favorites. pick a few fav transitions, sentence structures, and fancy vocab words. basically build a toolbox. this way you won’t have to think as hard when you want to “spice up” your work.

5. summaries only go so far. once you get to higher level english classes, there will be a lot of analysis of specific imagery, or wording, or dialogue. reading cliff notes is only going to give you the plot and none of this. if you don’t have time to read and you’ve been assigned a pretty standard english novel/play/whatever, take the time to look up some famous quotes or symbols. they’ll probably come up in discussion and this will help you look less unprepared.

6. have on question/comment ready. if your teacher/prof is into discussions and grades on participation, it’s handy to write down one (or a few) things. it’s easy to forget what you were going to say while you follow the discussion and it sucks to get docked points for not saying anything. even if it’s just a thoughtful question, jot it down.

history: 1. lol prob my weakest subject, just go see the apush (ap us history) section bc i don’t have much more for you than that.

science: 1. back to basics. i say it all the time, i’ll say it again. really understand basic concepts. they will come back. i’m serious.

2. pattern recognition. science problems are often times about recognizing patterns. once you identify the type of problem it is, even if you’ve never seen the exact one/something similar before, solving it becomes way easier.

3. make a recipe book. tied to the last one, but once you recognize a type of problem, you need steps to solve it. go through any practice problems you’re given to determine all the “types” of problems. once you’ve categorized them, make yourself a step-by-step guide on how to solve.

4. flashcards. you’ll have to know polyatomic ions or random biology facts. see languages tip #1 for more.

5. note your errors in lab. if you do something wrong, don’t just try to brush it under the table and forget about it. not that it’s a big deal, because its not, so don’t freak out. they’re just great opportunities to note sources of error. i mean obviously dont write in your lab report that you weren’t paying attention and mixed the wrong chemicals, but something like “we may not have waited sufficient time for the product to dry” can explain why you got 800% yield.

6. have a toolkit. kinda like a recipe book, but just a collection of straight facts that come up often. knowing common molecular weights and chemical properties (is ammonia acidic or basic?) will make things go faster. like i said earlier, polyatomic ions are also great.

7. brush up on some simple arithmetic. similar to the tool kit, this will just make things go faster. being able to quickly add things and calculate easy percentages (ex: 30%) will make things like hw and exams go faster. i’m of the opinion it’s always good to know how to add, subtract, multiply, and divide w/o a calculator (on paper, not all in your head)

bonus: math #5 and #7

math: 1. see science #1

2. see science #2

3. see science #3

4. see science #4. see a pattern here? you might wonder why you need to flashcard math, but it’s good for learning equations or the names of certain techniques. if the prof asks you to solve something using X technique and you don’t know what that is, that’s gonna pose a problem. also good for the unit circle (don’t get me started)

5. figure out your speed. this is applicable to most everything, but i find it most relevant for math. is it better for you to speed through the whole exam and then do it all again/check it over 2x? or for you to take it slow so you know you got everything right the first time? personally i use the first approach, but i’m a fast taker and prefer to have time to process between repeating problems instead of staring at it forever once and never looking again.

6. science #7. a lot of teachers will expect you to be able to do this.

7. go over the material a couple times. also applicable to everything. i find it’s easier to remember things when i know that concepts are connected. you might have learned X 3 weeks before Y, but if you go back over, you might realize they’re closely related. this will help you if you’re not sure on a test because you can reason through things using the connections you’ve drawn

tips by ap course (obv look at the subject above bc i will be giving *really specific stuff* here that i’ve gathered from experience. they’re also ordered by when i took them, sorry it’s not super logical but i didn’t want to forget one)

general ap course/exam tips: 1. practice exams. you need to be familiar with what will/will not show up. you don’t always need to simulate and real testing situation, but i’d recommend doing at least 1-2 that way. also *know how many questions they’re are you so can pace yourself!!!!*

2. college board is pretty good about giving topic breakdowns. use those. go through and figure out what topics you’re solid on and which need more work. the above tip is to help decipher what the topics actually mean bc it can be confusing.

3. give the free response a quick flip through. do the ones you’re confident on first.

4. make sure you know the policies/what you can bring. don’t want to forget something. also once our test administrator tried to stop us 10 minutes early, but we were on top of our shit and all gave her a death glare bc we knew when we were supposed to finish.

ap chemistry: 1. polyatomic ions and molecular weights. know them

2. chapter/section reviews (in addition to class notes) and how-to guides. my teacher made us make them and let’s just say your girl did *really* well (and i’m damn proud of that one)

3. do a quick skim of the free response. applicable to most exams but, the year i took it, they’d just remade and re-curved the exam and put *way* too many free response. like no one finished them. if that’s still the case, make sure you do the one’s you’re confident on. also, i did not get to like 3 questions and still got a 5. they may have fixed this idk. (sorry this is redundant but i wanted to give this ap chem exam specific info)

ap environmental science: 1. there is a lot of damn information here. i would use chapter outlines and pick out key terms, policies, and events etc. treat this like a history class.

2. for the exam, use common sense. most of the time, the most environmentally friendly answer is the right one. if you just have a general gist of the course and its topics, but don’t know a lot of details, go with your intuition and you should be fine. i didn’t have a lot of time to study for this one and this method worked for me.

ap calc bc: 1. memorize standard derivatives. power rule, sin and cos, chain rule. that’s important.

2. similarly, memorize standard integrals.

3. don’t forget +c for indefinite integrals. just don’t.

4. similarly, if it’s definite, don’t forget to evaluate at the end! super easy thing to do, but also super easy way to lose points if you forget.

5. if the integral looks complicated, that probably means there’s a “trick” involved. u substitution, integration by parts, trig substitution. something like that.

6. memorize some standard series’, operations, and types (arithmetic, geometric etc)

7. if you’re looking at a word problem, understand what is dependent on your variable and what isn’t (in other words, what’s a constant). for example, if it says the water flows into the barrel at 50 mL/s and flows out at 1/5 times the volume, that translate to F = 50 - (1/5)V. don’t make things more complicated by trying to write everything in terms of V (in this example). also, your equation might just be a constant term or just a variable term doesn’t have to be both.

8. know what your derivative is with respect to/what it really means. aka if your problem is talking about flow and volume, how are they related to each other? flow is the change in volume *with respect to time*. so if i differentiate volume with respect to time, i get flow. if i integrate flow with respect to time, i get volume. this also helps you make sense of word problems.

*disclaimer*: it is been 5 years since i took this class and i have taken quite a few math classes after. i apologize if i introduce anything that is a little irrelevant.

ap spanish language: 1. flashcard. like seriously. there’s gonna be vocab involved.

2. understand what’s asked. for the persuasive email. *be persuasive*

3. toolkit. i mentioned this before but this was probably the most useful for this class. our teacher gave us a bunch of fancier words to use instead of causar (to cause) because that was a word we’d need a lot. the one that still sticks with me 4 years later is fomentar. have a few alternatives for these kinds of super common words, a good greeting and closing for your email, and a set of good transitions. *make sure you know how to use them properly*

4. write stuff down during listening. you can either answer questions during the first listen, then take notes the second to catch stuff you missed or vice versa.

5. it’s ok to backtrack in the speaking. don’t let yourself get stuck and just not say anything. it’ll freak you out for the rest of the exam and will rob you from showing off what you know. also take notes of things you want to mention based off cultural knowledge of the situation related to the dialogue.

6. don’t zone out. with everything going on and all the stress, it’s easy to zone out (esp during the conversation). don’t do it or you’ll have a hard time responding and freak yourself out (again)

7. don’t lose your place in the convo! they give you a sheet that shows you how many times the other “person” will talk. i lost track and said goodbye one segment early. it was bad ok. all these conversation tips are from personal experience.

ap statistics: 1. know the different kinds of tests inside and out. know the differences and the conditions. if you’ve got that, you’re like 75% the way there.

2. be familiar with sample vs population. it’s a bit confusing, but take the time to understand.

3. ok sorry i really don’t remember anything else. this exam really isn’t that difficult (in my opinion), you’ll be ok.

ap physics c: 1. free body diagrams. understand how to draw them *and draw them*. they will carry you through mechanics. draw gravitational force, normal if there’s a surface, and then any other given forces.

2. basic equations. you get an equation sheet, but knowing the equations means you know the concepts and the relations between them. big ones are f=ma and the equations relating position (x), velocity (v), and acceleration (a). also friction f=uN.

3. *normal isn’t always the opposite direction of gravity!!!!* gravity is straight down. normal is perpendicular to the surface.

4. vector components. please don’t just add vectors. break them down into components and then add or you are so fucked.

5. get familiar with triangles. this will help with the whole component thing.

6. kirchoffs rules are so helpful. know them.

7. understand the relations between voltage/potential and current in terms of the properties of circuit elements. that means the equations for resistors, capacitors, and inductors.

8. know how to add in parallel and series. it’s important. also! if the circuit is drawn “weird” a good way to know series vs parallel is that parallel elements share two nodes and that series circuits only share 1.

9. sorry i kinda blocked out E+M bc i didn’t know what i was doing (or so i thought). i still got a 4 tho so that curve is generous.

ap us history: 1. chapter outlines. pretty self explanatory.

2. make a timeline. put important events, sentiments, policies, and presidents. if you can associate these things together into time periods it will be easier. most of the time, any one question (esp long response or whatever they’re called) will only focus on 1 time period.

3. sentiments are important. if you know nothing else, know these bc they will help guide you through questions by reasoning even if you know nothing else.

4. gilder lehrman (or similar us history summaries). these are tailor specifically to apush bc they are organized by period (i think that’s what they were called?). i actually fell asleep listening to these bc i didn’t have time to study. they were mildly helpful, but every little bit helps right?

ap psychology: 1. chapter outlines/flashcards. this course is based heavily on key terms and less so on larger concepts.

2. ok sorry i took this online i remember literally nothing except how annoying my teacher was and that the exam was easy. if you know terminology i think you should do fine.

ap biology: 1. there is a lot. go through all the topics and make sure you’re solid. start with the big picture, then think about narrowing down.

2. know how charts work. things like pedigrees, punnet squares, and evolution trees (that’s def not the right term). some of the exam will just be interpretation of this.

3. i am so sorry i remember nothing else.

ap spanish literature: 1. flashcards. title, author, time period, short summary, key elements (a line, character, symbol). this is *so helpful*

2. think about the works in relation to each other. you might be asked to compare them. even if they ask you to compare something on the reading list with something new, you’ll be familiar with the points you might talk about.

3. know the lit terms. more flashcards. associate them with a particular work if you can/need to.

4. don’t freak on the listening. a lot of the recordings are old and shitty quality. take a deep breath and try your best. know that the rest of the test takers (excepting maybe natives) are experiencing the same thing.

5. use that tool box. see general spanish and ap spanish lang.

this is so freaking long and i think the moral of the story is that i blocked out my senior year ap exams. i hope this was helpful and, if you have more questions, or want more stuff like this, let me know!

[douchebagbrainwaves]

YOU GUYS I JUST THOUGHT OF THIS

_ One great advantage of not needing money is that you are looking for Larry and Sergey. I thought studying philosophy would be a shambles. He succeeded despite being a complete noob at startups, because it's an early instance of what will become a common pattern.1 That's a big advantage.2 The latter is much more damping. The idea sounds horrible, doesn't it? In the average car restoration you probably do make it.3 The whole thing was only a couple thousand left. You could call it Work Day.

You'll pay more for Internet services than you do.4 How do you find the right sort of person you are, you should probably pack investor meetings too closely, you'll have to earn your keep.5 9 years it was my job to predict whether a startup would usually become profitable only after raising and spending quite a lot of things e. There is not an ordinary economic relationship than companies being sued for violating the DMCA, part of the job; but it is not clear whether you can actually get work done. Wealth is defined democratically.6 As jobs become more specialized—more articulated—as they develop, and startups should simply ignore other companies' patents. Design by committee is a synonym for very. But I suspect it's the startup world. I'm still not sure whether he thought AI required math, or whether contractors count too.7 This is usually done to make the region a center of scholarship and industry which have been closely tied for longer than most people think. And indeed, that might be at different companies. The early adopters you need to use a more succinct language, and adults use them all the time, and both the headers and from the circumstances of your upbringing respectively.

And more to the point where they're issued, we may in some cases it's possible to be part of a powerful new idea: allowing those who made a lot of people fast.8 If all companies were essentially similar, but some of the other programmers what language to use, and some ability to ferret out the unexpected. Till now, nearly all humans find human faces engaging. But if you talk too loosely about very abstract ideas—they continued to spam me or a network I was part of, Hostex itself would be recognized as a spam term. Bill Yerazunis. Which means if the qualities that made it hard to come up with startup ideas on demand. And since no one is doing them yet. Though most founders start out excited about the Internet is the primary medium. They're just a couple guys started on the side of making the software run on the client. Impossible? Measurement alone is not enough. In another year you'll be making $80k a month instead of $160k.9

But I don't see why it ought to be writing about them. Mapmakers deliberately put slight mistakes in their maps so they can show you only things that are missing. Overlooked problems are by definition problems that most people who are bad at deciding what to do once you've thought of it. I'd like to reply with another question: why were the exit polls cooked the books after seeing the actual returns. And once you start raising money, for example, does not seem to be many universities elsewhere that compare with the best people that Google and Apple are doing so much better than me.10 It's intended for college students and you decide to move to your silicon valley like to get money. All I took with me was one large backpack of stuff. At Viaweb our whole site was organized like a funnel, directing people to the test drive.11 The ones who keep going are driven by exit strategies. You start being an adult when you decide to focus on working with other students. But there's a magic in small things that goes beyond such rational explanations. So the fact that so many people refer deals to him is that his company was not the conclusion Aristotle's successors derived from works like the Metaphysics, but that there can even be such a test?

At MIT in the mid 90s a fellow grad student of my friends are starting to feel like a little bit in the commitment department, and that was called playing. Systematic is the last word after all.12 Companies like Cisco are proud that everyone there has a cubicle, even the smartest students leave school thinking they have to say yes.13 The unsexy filter is to ask, could one open-source browser. Are Clueless A lot of startups don't want to sell, they take you up, no competitor can keep you down.14 Some switched from driving Ford sedans to driving small imported cars, and they're clearly it. In Lisp, functions are first class objects.15 Whereas now the phrase already read seems almost ill-formed. US News list is meaningful is precisely because they attract so much attention. The main reason there are so many iPhone apps is that so many still make you register to read stories.

Kids know, without precedent: Apple is popular at the low end. The professors will establish scholarly journals and publish one another's papers. A fair number of smart people too, but again, diluted; there are lots of potential winners, from which a few actual winners emerge with hyperlinear certainty. I go to bed leaving code with a bug in code you just wrote. How much is that extra attention worth?16 He was one of few they had that we didn't even know they were recording. And if things go well, this shouldn't matter. We just took it for granted. The random college kid you talk to, but instead of pursuing this thought they tended to be at least some super-angels don't like. If you work on changes you. After we were bought by Yahoo, the customer support people and hackers.

Notes

For example, if your school, and partly because you can eliminate, do it is.

It would be to say that Watt reinvented the steam engine.

If you believe in free markets, they made more margin loans. 166. Analects VII: 36, Fung trans.

In a startup: one kind that evolves into Facebook is a very misleading number, because the remedy was to become one of the biggest company of all, economic inequality. That's the lower bound.

After reading a draft, Sam Altman points out that there is some weakness in your country controlled by the fact that the probabilities of features i. When one reads about the nature of server-based applications greatly to be delivering results.

5 mentions prices ranging from designers to programmers to electrical engineers. For most of them consistently make money, the term copyright colony was first used by Myles Peterson. Financing a startup is a matter of outliers, and are paid a flat rate regardless of the court.

Parker, William R. There may even be tempted, but it doesn't seem to someone in 1880 that schoolchildren in 1980 would be on the Internet worm of 1988 infected 6000 computers.

8 says that 15-20% of the edge? Not startup ideas, because unions will exert political pressure to protect widows and orphans from crooked investment schemes; people with a face-saving compromise. They'll be more like determination is proportionate to wd m-k w-d n, where there is one of a powerful syndicate, you create wealth in a signal.

It didn't work out a chapter at a 3 year old, a player who persists in trying such things can be compared, per capita income in England in 1750 was higher than India's in 1960. But that is not to. Delivered as if having good intentions were enough to answer the question is only half a religious one; there is one you take out your anti-dilution provisions, even though it's a harder problem than Hall realizes. But that oversimplifies his role.

And perhaps even worse in the Ancient World, Economic History Review, 2:9 1956,185-199, reprinted in Finley, M. This is almost always bullshit.

It was common in, but nothing else: no friends, TV, go ahead.

The meaning of a place to exchange views. The reason you don't, but in fact the less educated parents seem closer to a new version of Word 13.

I know for sure which these will be better for explaining software than English. Most unusual ambitions fail, no one is going to work in research too. P supermarket chain because it was because he was exaggerating. I've twice come close to 18% of GDP were about the other hand, he wrote a program to generate series A rounds from top VC funds whether it was overvalued till you run through all the combinations of Web plus a three hour meeting with a face-saving compromise.

You can safely write off all the East Coast. The need has to give each customer the impression that the only way to tell how serious potential investors and they were saying scaramara instead of bookmarking. Information is too general. If a company with rapid, genuine growth is valuable, and all those 20 people at once, and all the money.

Garry Tan pointed out that successful startups have elements of both consist mostly of unedifying schleps, and stir.

But the money.

[scottymcgeesterwrites]

Regret

It only recently came to my attention that I may have confused many people when I was a freshman in college, thinking I was hitting on them when I wasn't. I used to say "Ciao bella" all the time when ending a conversation with a girl. It only recently came to my knowledge that some people took this another way. I found someone on Facebook whom I haven’t talked to in ages. She immediately said, “Oh, you were the guy who always said ‘Ciao bella’.” Every so often I just make up another catchphrase for some inexplicable reason and stick with it for some odd number of years. I don't even remember when I started saying "Ciao bella" but thought it'd be a nice, feel-good sign-off at the end of conversations.

There are also about a dozen other things I recently realized like "Oh. Huh."

I entered college with some massive baggage. I had the most turmoil during that time. I was inches away from ditching academia entirely and going on the run, hellbent on starting some delusional government and social revolution. There was this girl who left after freshman year and I never saw her again, but I only recently realized something funny about one night. I ended up confiding in her in online conversations and she ultimately visited my dorm a bunch of times.

One particular awful night, I couldn't sleep, and was once again inches away from packing my bags and running away from my problems. I texted her and did not realize until over a decade later that she must have misunderstood my "You up?" text to mean that I was looking for sex. If I ever texted you "You up?" in college late at night, the last thing on my mind was sex. It was always because:

A - I needed help plotting out a story B - I needed help with some delusional theory I conjured up C - I was about to go on a crazed vent or D - I needed help with some illegal task that I wouldn't tell you was illegal until after you've done it

She once flirted with me saying that she could be my “Bond girl”, since I wanted to go to Atlantic City to gamble once I was 21 (I did. I won $100. It was awesome). I knew she was flirting then but I treated it so . . . whatever. The right word is currently escaping me. But it’s like patting a dog gently on the head while walking away and the dog had expected more. She texted me back saying that she was drunk at a party, but that she would come right away anyway because "it was boring". So she did. And we stayed up the entire night - and it was all me pacing the room back and forth trying to figure out a plan to my life and on the verge of tears from what felt like a mental breakdown. It didn't occur to me now that we were on completely different wavelengths, wanting completely different things. I have to give her kudos for actually staying for the whole thing. it must have been like waiting for the credits to finish rolling but there wasn’t even a post-credits scene. It actually reminds me now of that Arrested Development episode where Gob boasts about having had sex with a prostitute, but Ron Howard narrates, "He didn't," and it cuts to him crying about his insecurities while the prostitute files her nails.

I would also like to take this moment to reflect on a conversation I had with some girl over Groupwise. Groupwise used to be this messaging application that my college had before it discontinued. Man, I had a lot of fond memories using that, funny enough. One day, I asked this girl what she wanted to do with her life and she said that she wanted to work in theater. I said, "Oh cool, so you're an actor?" and she said "No. I work backstage" to which I replied something like, "You want to work backstage all your life?" and she went "Yeah" to which I immediately - and I mean IMMEDIATELY - replied, "Wow. That's SO boring. I can't imagine being cooped up like that. God."

She never talked to me again, and at the time I had the audacity to wonder why. That happens a lot with me. My autobiography would be titled, “Was it something I said?” Or no. More like, “Yes, it was definitely something I said.”

Old people on their deathbeds, Buzzfeed articles, and fortune cookies always say stuff like "Never be afraid to say what's on your mind" because you will be "filled with regret". I am most likely a living example of the opposite. We often seem to use the phrases "keeping the peace" and "keeping the status quo" with negative connotations. But I have regretted so much more from having no filter and not thinking about people's feelings before I speak. Don’t get me wrong. There are definitely times you need to speak up. I have told off some of the most despicable people who deserved it. But in retrospect, many of the times I’ve said things on my mind were without thinking. Sometimes you want to have the last word, or you want to feel cool by always having a pithy or witty remark, or you think that people can somehow still be civil and be friends when true feelings are shared. It gives you this feeling of “I can do and say whatever I want, whenever I want.” I’ve lived by that for such a long time and only now has it made me realize that not all of it was worth it.

[that-one-obsessed-weirdo]

20 Million Memories

So @dashingten had a really cool idea where we post our favorite memories of being in this community! And as many special memories as I have of being here, I’ve narrowed it down to two favorites:

My first favorite is actually my first memory of being a part of this community. I had watched Jack’s Undertale playthrough with @spittinginsanity in early 2016 (and loved it, of course!) but I only really ever watched him when we hung out. That is, until October of 2016, aka one of the best Halloween’s I’ve ever had.

@spittinginsanity had already explained and showed me all the Anti stuff that was occurring earlier that month, and I seriously thought it was so cool that someone was taking something his community created and making it canon. It only really “clicked” for me though 3 days before Anti’s official debut. I was spending the night at @spittinginsanity and she was catching me up on all the chaos of the past week’s videos. We ended up watching the whole first episode of Layers of Fear, and I suddenly felt a whole new feeling of investment in his channel, and not to mention an underlying excitement for what might occur in a few days. No surprise, I only fell harder as we watched a few more videos, and as soon as I got home the next day, I subscribed to the channel.

The following two days leading up to Halloween were an absolute joy! It had been a while since I had been a part of any fandom or community, so I practically threw myself into the current hype of this community. It was honestly refreshing, energizing, and I had yet to even realize how open and welcoming this community was. I remember after we both finally watched Anti’s debut, @spittinginsanity asked me if I was gonna move on now, thinking I had just gotten into the hype of the whole thing. With how I can be, that could’ve easily been the case, but I already knew better after those few days. So I told her without a doubt that I was here to stay, and almost two years later, I’m so, SO glad that it all happened. @spittinginsanity and I have been so much closer because of this, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. ❤️

My other favorite memory comes less than a year later, when Jack announced the test run dates and locations for the HDWGH tour. When @spittinginsanity messaged me and told me he was coming near us and that her parents would drive us if we got tickets, I was in total shock. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t even been in the community for a year at that point and was already going to see my idol in person. That was then followed by tears of joy, no doubt. :’D

Fast forward to a month later when we were in Milwaukee to finally see it. At this point, I was pretty involved with my school’s musical (School of Rock! 🤘), and college applications were on my mind. I’ll explain that in more detail later.

I remember very specifically the first time I saw Jack in person, before the Qn A. He was getting off the elevator and as soon as I saw him, my brain went from “oh hey, it’s Jack :D” to “oh waIT ITS JACK. LIKE THATS REALLY HIM HOLY SHIT.” And the we just sat their in our shock and excitement until the QnA started. (Thankfully it wasn’t quite as overwhelming to see him on stage the second time then...xD)

Then we saw the actual show, and although I had my suspicions, I didn’t realize that it would stay with me so much in the following year. Jack said something that really spoke to me that night, beyond all the fun and humor of the show (which is a treat just as well!) “You can overcome any obstacle if you put your mind to it.” I thought of that quote as we were walking out of the venue, and I immediately felt WAY less scared about all the college decision making that was happening. Motivation was high after that, especially when it came to my musical rehearsals. The day after the show, I still managed to bring myself to school on whatever sleep I had got the night before. We ran through our music that night, and when it came to my solo, it was like something suddenly just clicked because it sounded so much more confident than it had before. I kinda sat there and just thought about the show from the night before, how it could’ve been the reason why, and how it would be on my mind until those final bows a month or so later. And God, was I right. My experience being in School of Rock was already so insane, but something about remembering that show all the way through made it seem like so much more. More than anything, it motivated me on another level, even just knowing that my idol had experience being on the stage now too. Yet it was still so much more than that though; I don’t know how to explain it but...I know I will never forget that time in my life, from the initial knowledge we were seeing Jack on tour, to the show itself, and then to the musical that changed me even more.

I could talk on and on just about these memories alone, but I think I’m already rambling as it is so I’ll just stop here. xD The point is though, being in this community has given me so many good memories. I’ve met friends, gotten closer to friends I already had. I’ve been drawing more because of it. More than anything, it’s opened and enhanced so many experiences for me over the past two years. I’m actually feeling shocked just thinking about it.

I know I’m not the only one feeling that way. I’m among soon to be 20 million others who feel this way too, who also share in these experiences. I have no clue how to truly thank you for that, @therealjacksepticeye, but know that what you have given us and allowed us to do and to be is so, so special to me, and to the whole community. You are a truly amazing human being. 💚

And of course, thank you @spittinginsanity for bringing Jack into my life in the first place. I honestly don’t know where I would be or where we would be without him, but I know I don’t want it any different. I love you so much!! ❤️

So many good memories lay in this community, so here’s to 20 million of them, and then to 20 million more!

—

Okay, wow, this got long. Like, really long...If you’re still reading this, kudos to you. And also sorry. 😂

(Uh...okay, I should probably go to bed now like I said I was going to an hour ago. 😂😂 Night dudes!)

[lovemesomesurveys]

What brought you joy today? We had an unexpected storm today, which I love. It was pouring down rain with hail, thunder, and lightning. The works. haha. That’s very unusual for us Californians in the middle of May and we get quite excited about it. 

What is on your mind right now? How sick I feel. D: I thought I ate something bad Thursday night, but I think I just caught some kind of stomach virus or something. Either way, this weekend has been awful.

Did you make any mistakes in the last 24 hours? I’m great at that.

Do you ever sleep with the light on? I mean, if I’m just taking a nap I don’t need my light off. There has been times I’ve gone to bed and fell asleep without the turning the light off, too. Also, I sleep with the TV on so there’s always some light.

Do you pray to Jesus? I do.

What was the last thing you ordered at Starbucks? A venti white chocolate mocha with soy.

What was the name of the last beach you went to? It’s a nearby one that we love going to.

What color are your favorite pair of flip-flops? I don’t wear flip flops.

Have you bought any new clothes for summer? No. I basically wear the same stuff throughout the year except I either add or take away long sleeves, hoodies, and jackets.

Do you have a bonfire pit in your yard? No.

Would you consider being homeless if it meant you could travel the world? No.

Are you in love with someone? No.

Do you know your next-door neighbor? No.

What’s something you have never done? Hardcore drugs.

Do you use a sunlamp? No. Name someone you know who is a true risk-taker, adventurer, and free spirit. Do you admire that person? I do admire that. I wish I had a little of that in me.

Do you wish you were more of a free spirit? Somewhat.

What’s one mistake you made within the last 24 hours? Eating pasta with pesto last night. When I’m already feeling sick with an upset stomach, stuff like that isn’t a good idea because it gives me indigestion.

If you could change one thing about the last 24 hours, what would it be? I wouldn’t have had that for dinner and I would have drank more water.

Are you allergic to any medications? No.

How do you feel when someone says something you’ve experienced doesn’t exist? I mean it can be frustrating. What really upsets me; though, is when people tell me how I should or shouldn’t feel. Like you can’t tell me what I feel.

What worldview do you have? I don’t know.

Do you have friends who have different religious beliefs than you? Yes.

If applicable, who was the first person you “came out” to? Not applicable. 

What’s one thing you’d like to do more? Live life. It passes by quick.

What’s one thing you love about life? My family.

Do you spend a lot of time with God? Not nearly enough. I do my Bible studies in the morning and at night, but I want to spend more time reflecting and praying. Name someone people who have tried to kill you. ...What.

Who do you wish you could talk to more? No one.

What is your greatest wish? Good health.

What was your style in high school? Preppy/girly, emo, and then just t-shirts and jeans.  Do you wish you could have someone pray with you more often? Yes.

When was the last time you had tomato sauce? I just had pasta with marinara. I’m doing this question hours later by the way. Earlier I said regretted the pasta with pesto last night, so I hope this doesn’t cause an issue now, too, because I still feel sick. Ughhhh.

What’s one thing you are jealous that other people got to do but you didn’t? I mean, I’m envious of people who get to travel all over. 

Name something in your room that’s broken. The Christmas lights I still have strung across my dresser, ha. The lights on my mini Christmas tree went out, too. I still have all the decorations up in my room and we’re in mid May, whoops.

Have you ever taken birth control pills continuously? I’ve never taken them at all.

Do you make your bed every day? My bed is always made now because I’m not using the comforter. I just use a throw blanket once it starts to get warm again.

Who is your personality twin? I used to have a friend like that. We were like the same person in a lot of ways.

Name 3 celebrities you’ve been told you look like. None.

Which Mary-Kate and Ashley video was your favorite? Aw, I loved watching all their movies and TV shows as a kid. 

What’s a common name that you hate? There aren’t any that I hate.

Have you forsaken your childhood dreams? I mean, I’m not doing anything at all with my life now so.

Do you feel that anyone cares about you? I know my family does.

Do people ever check up on you and ask if you’re ok? My family.

Who do you go to when you want to ask someone for prayer? I don’t go to anyone in specific.  …or when you want someone to talk to? My mom.

….when you want to ask someone for advice? If anyone it would be my mom, but I don’t often ask for advice. 

Who do you wish you were best friends with? I’m best friends with my mom and I’m happy with that.

Do you own a camera tripod? No.

Did you ever believe in mermaids? Nah.

…in fairies? Nah.

…in Santa? Yes.

Have you ever purchased alcohol? Yeah, many times.

What do you miss about collage? I think I miss some things about that time period and age more than college itself.

What is your newest hobby? I don’t have any new ones. I do the same few things everyday.

What gives your life meaning? ...

[butchspace]

Butch-Fem History / Butch Identity Reccs

[Image description: an anonymous ask to butchspace that reads “If you have personal essays or blog recs or books about b-f history or individual butch experience, especially about the b-f dynamic, that would be perfect. A mix of long and short would be great, and links of PDFs would be ideal. I actually meant OFOS, as in old-fashioned old-school butch/fem (@persistentlyfem is a fem example), and by “traditional” I mean the original incarnation of butch as the opposite and lover of the fem. I hope this helps you and thank you very much for your help!” End ID.]

Okay so! I’ve got sucked into making this post and I’m just gonna go ahead and publish before I add even more on and forget to sleep again. Putting it under a cut because of length, if anyone wants a non-readmore version of the post just let me know.

Caveats:

I focused mainly on works I could provide links to; this means that what I’ve provided isn’t necessarily my first pick, but it’s still some good stuff so whatever. (See the Offline/Extended section for more reccs.)

A lot of the pdfs were transcribed in the course of a sleepless night so there’s bound to be typos; if  you wanna tell me about them just message/ask @holzes to avoid clogging this inbox up.

Sadly, most of these works are dominated by white, cis, and able-bodied perspectives. This is especially something I want to remedy in the future in my additions.

It should go without saying, but: I don’t endorse every single opinion in these works or their authors (who for the most part I know little about), they don’t necessarily align with my own views and/or preferences, and I recognize that some of them have issues such as cissexist language and framing (see Content Warnings for more detail). Unfortunately when it comes to LGBT history, a lot of the most prominent texts are outdated or otherwise flawed in some areas and you just have to kind of trudge through it and read critically.

I included dates next to the works for a reason! Some (basically everything written in the early to mid 90s) emerged from a specific time in the lesbian community and obviously some of their statements only make sense in that context (mostly the lesbian feminist movement and its aftermath tbh). Just keep this in mind, it shouldn’t matter too much because those texts are history but just in case…

Just because I couldn’t find a work online doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist out there somewhere.

This is a deeply incomplete list. If you have suggested resources like these (preferably ones available online) including books, essays, articles, blogs, films, youtube videos, etc…. Let me know @holzes.

Content Warnings:

The Q slur (in just about every context), D slur, anecdotal homophobia, mentions of homophobic violence, outdated trans terminology, cissexism / cissexist language, discussion of sex (both academic and semi-explicit), cussing, frequent discussion of bars / probably a mention of alcohol once or twice. Sorry for not providing individual content warnings, this post is already bulky enough. If there’s something you’re rlly concerned about just mssg me @holzes and I’ll do my best to help you out.

And with all that out of the way…….. the actual post begins.

History

“Butch-Fem” by Teresa Theopano (2004)

An extremely succinct, balanced overview of butch-fem best suited for absolute beginners (aka, “what the hell is butch/fem” level). Also a good jumping-off point for anyone lacking historical context for butch-fem. Covers origin, application, and controversies. [Link]

“Lesbian Identities and the Politics of Butch-Femme” by Amy Goodloe (1993)

A rigorous essay that in many ways is a more detailed version of the above; packs a wide range of butch-fem history, controversy, and popular interpretation into a relatively short essay. A nice crash course with a killer annotated bibliography to build off of. [Link]

excerpt from Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community by Elizabeth Lapovsky Kennedy & Madeline Davis (1993)

This excerpt from the introduction explicates the existence of working-class lesbian bar cultures in North America from the 1930s to the 1950s as well as the butch-fem dynamic that accompanied and shaped these cultures. The second section of this excerpt is perhaps best read as a companion piece to The Return of Butch and Femme (see below), especially as relates to Kennedy and Davis’s criticism of Faderman’s attitudes toward butch-fem. The entire book is well worth the read, but if you’re pressed for time, Chapters 5, 6, and 9 will be most relevant for your purposes. [Link to excerpt] [Link to full book]

“The Return of Butch and Femme: A Phenomenon in Lesbian Sexuality of the 1980s and 1990s” by Lillian Faderman (1992)

A thorough examination of how butch-fem became deeply “politically incorrect” through the lens of 1970s lesbian feminism, as well as its persistence throughout that decade and its restoration (and transformation) in the 1980s and 1990s. Perhaps Faderman’s most balanced examination of butch-fem (but don’t worry, she still throws around every anti-butch-fem critique and stereotype that she can justify including) and an informative history of how modern butches and femmes arose and if/how we differ from our predecessors. Read with section two of the above for best results. [Link]

Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers: A History of Lesbian Life in Twentieth-Century America by Lillian Faderman (1991)

Might as well, yeah? The book is a very interesting/enlightening semi-comprehensive history and a groundbreaking work in lesbian history literature. If you wanna cheat, Chapter 7 is the one that focuses primarily on butch-fem. [Link]

Personal Narratives

“Double Trouble” by Lesléa Newman (1995)

A brief personal reflection by a femme on her traditional femme-butch relationship. [Link]

Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme eds. Ivan E. Coyote & Zena Sharman (2011)

An interesting collection of a broad variety of fem and butch perspectives. Essays range from emotional personal narratives to a mix of historical and personal analysis. I’ve provided links to a few that seem most relevant to your interest.

“Femme Butch Feminist” by Jewelle Gomez [Link]

“No Butches, No Femmes: The Mainstreaming of Queer Sexuality” by Victoria A. Brownworth [Link]

“What We Know to Be True” by Sasha T. Goldberg [Link]

“Spotlight” by Debra Anderson [Link]

Gender Troubles: The Butches (2016, dir. Lisa Plourde)

You might have seen this going around back when it was free to watch for a few months. It’s basically a long string of interviews with a few butches and it’s a nice watch, although I’m not sure how/where you can watch it now. [Link]

Extended (aka Stuff I Haven’t Read Yet and Am Thus Nervous to Recc)

In no particular order,

A Restricted Country by Joan Nestle (1987)

The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader ed. Joan Nestle (1992)

I haven’t read either of Nestle’s groundbreaking works because I’m Fake but she’s probably the most influential writer on butch/fem by far so she can not be recommended highly enough.

Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde (1982)

A biomythography that focuses partially on lesbian bar culture in NYC, Connecticut, and Mexico. The plain text is online if you can work with that. [Link]

Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg (1993) 

This one’s only not in the main section because I figured you already knew about it, since it’s legally free online. It’s a novel, which I learned only recently. [Link]

Final Notes

For further reading and essays/books, I highly recommend digging through the notes/sources of the works I’ve linked above and jotting down anything that looks interesting or that gets mentioned a lot.

In terms of access–if you’re a college student or live in a college town, go to the college library (or public library, although these have been far less helpful for me) and find their LGBT section. Some places might surprise you. If you’re a college or high school student, go to your school library’s webpage and look for any access to databases you might have as a student, and exploit the hell out of whatever you find. If you’re not a student and/or don’t have access to a good library (or cannot use whatever resources you do have due to risk of outing yourself), stick to whatever you can find online.

Finally, I remembered @closet-keys‘s butch/femme research guide shortly after finishing this post. So, here’s that. [Link]

Thank you so much if you made it this far and I hope this answer helps out you, anon, at least a little, as well as anyone else who makes use of it!

-Mod P