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yessa-vie · 5 months

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❝LIKE YOU WANNA BE LOVED❞ — jeong yunho.

PAIRING. jeong yunho x fem!reader

GENDER. strangers to lovers. fast burn. yunho and reader are young adults (but I still consider teenagers since they are not at uni but finishing high school, so technically 17-18 year old) who met during summer. mostly fluff with a tiny bit of angst.

SYNOPSIS. with an encounter on the rock near the pier begins a friendship that, within a month, turns into butterflies in the stomach, sweaty hands, ragged breaths and hearts beating out of control.

WORD COUNT. 5,580 (not counting the end quote).

NOTE. another old story I did as a birthday gift to one of my best friends, also edited to fit Korea and the situation. not my best work, so I may edit this story further on, but for now I'm ok with the changes I did, but again, fast burn is not usually my style, but I hope you enjoy it regardless.

IMPORTANT. this is a work of fiction, it has zero intent on portraing how any of the people quoted here are in real life.

Jeju Island. That was what awaited him during this month of vacation. He had never been to Jeju Island before and it excited him, so many people he knew went and said it was beautiful. Friends of his always came and went renewed, so to speak. Now it was his turn. A month with the family in a rented beach house. Summer at its peak. A time to think and a time just for him.

He didn't want a relationship, far from it. He had just ended a relationship, why get involved and not enjoy the single life? A month by the sea, summer behind him, beautiful women passed by the door of his house and let's face it, he attracted attention, from his perfect physique to his innocent childish face – which was anything but innocent.

“Yunho, we better get going or we’ll be late!” Yunho heard his mother call him and soon closed his window, picked up his bags and left his room heading towards his car to put his things.

Another positive point, his parents would go in one car and he’d go in another with his younger brother. It wasn't that he didn't get along well with his parents, but he preferred to go alone with his brother, they could listen to whatever music they wanted, and he wouldn't have to worry about getting the car seat dirty and getting looked at.

After a while everyone was at the beach house, as beautiful as the photo sent. A white wooden staircase at the entrance and the balcony with light wooden floors. The house was simple. Two floors, a mix of wood, cement, and glass. In the coziest interior that the outside view could provide. The room was of a light cream color that it looked white, the entire wooden floor giving it a rustic feel. A fireplace with an LCD on top, surrounded by a pastel “L” shaped sofa and an armchair of the same tone, on the left side a glass door that opened onto a balcony that – thanks to the relative distance between the houses – made it possible to view the beach without having to go in front of the house.

The kitchen was relatively large, with the counter being made of marble, the cabinets made of wood and glass, and high wooden chairs so that they could reach the small counter in the center of the kitchen. On the left side of the room there is a staircase leading to the second floor. Four bedrooms were there, but to his happiness, at the bottom there was a small staircase that connected to the attic, which, to his happiness, was extremely tidy and a window that covered the entire wall facing straight to the sea. That would be his room for the month.

He packed his things and when he looked at the clock, he saw that it was already 4pm, he decided to help the family get settled, as he went downstairs he saw his parents in the kitchen talking about something while his mother was cooking.

"You need help?" Yunho was wearing black shorts, a white tank top and a black cap and flip-flops.

“Don’t worry about us, enjoy your vacation, do like your brother and go to the beach!”

Yunho's father said and he watched them a little more and when he received a smile from both of them, he smiled too and went out the door, walking a little along the beach.

The flip-flops didn't bother him, and the cap helped keep the sun out of his brown eyes for a while. He was already near the navy pier when he decided to sit down. It was already close to sunset, and he had a privileged view from his vantage point.

The sky was orange and pink, several people were already leaving, others were watching the sunset, he could see that they were either a group of friends or couples in love. He didn't let himself be shaken by it, mainly because he barely had time as a cream Golden Retivier soon appeared at his side barking and wagging his tail.

“Hey big guy, what are you doing here?”

Running his hand around the dog’s neck, he noticed a collar, but before he could utter any words, he heard a female voice and then she knelt down next to him running her hand over the dog.

“Thanks for holding him,” she smiled. Yunho thought it was one of the cutest smiles he had ever seen. He watched her quickly. Straight black hair falling over her shoulders, charming almond-shaped eyes, the cutest smile on her lips, a teal tank top over a bikini and white shorts with flip-flops on her feet. “(y/n),” you commented giving him her hand.

“Yunho,” he said, shaking your hand giving you a toothless smile that you found extremely cute. Yunho knew how to act around girls, but he especially became an idiot if he found them interesting. “So… He’s yours?”

“My sister's actually...” You commented laughing and sitting next to Yunho on the rock and looking forward with the Golden lying at your feet. “She got it from an ex-boyfriend of hers,” you let out a nasal laugh. “We all like him despite everything and well, if we were really going to keep this little guy, our parents made us promise that we would go out with him whenever we could, and it was my turn to go out with Thor” you commented pulling Golden's head up receiving licks in the face and laughing, making Yunho laugh too.

“He's beautiful,” he commented, running his hand over Thors's head, who licked his hand in response.

“And he liked you,” you commented, laughing, observing him. “I’ve never seen you around here...”

“Ah, I just moved, for a month,” you looked like you understood and shook your head.

“I see, that explains a little…”

"What?"

“You're here to watch the sunset,” you said with a charming smile, in Yunho's opinion, on your lips.

"What you mean?" He looked at you without understanding.

“Let me guess, either you live around here, or you walked too much and got tired sitting on this rock and watching the sunset, now which one is right?” You didn't look at him despite the sparkle in your eyes and the mischievous smile that gave it away.

“The second one,” he commented blushing slightly.

"Where are you living?" You asked without expecting anything but making conversation.

“I don't know any references here, but…” They both laughed as Yunho was remembering what he did during that time he was walking. “Since it took me two hours to get here and I was walking slower than a snail,” you laughed contagiously, making him release a smile that you thought was charming, “I think that an hour or thirty minutes of walking will be enough for me to go back home.” He commented smiling. "And you?"

“I live that way,” you pointed to Yunho's side, the same path he had passed, making him smiled at that. “I was heading back, considering the sun was already setting when Thor ran like crazy and only stopped when he reached you,” you smiled at the boy who was looking at you enchanted.

“Well, do you want to accompany me back?” you looked at him without understanding. “I came from there too, we can go back together...” you were silent for a while and Yunho quickly tried to correct himself. “I mean... if it’s okay with you or-”

“Hey! Don’t worry,” you laughed a little, taking Thor by the collar and going to Yunho’s side. "Let's go?"

It had been three weeks since Yunho was in Jeju. You met every day. Your family had invited him and his family to dinner or lunch with them and Yunho's family did the same to you. They lived just three houses apart. You had gotten surprisingly close.

Yunho now knew of two boys who “chased” you at school, he knew they had a crush on you and that's why they were always around and watching you, he could see the reason why they liked you thought, of course he could. You also knew things about Yunho, things he never told his friends or his brother. This was a good thing. But Yunho was afraid of confusing things, after all he was a master at confusing things.

He already knew every little detail about you without you needing to say anything. He knew what to do and how to do it. He wanted to protect you from everything and everyone, in addition to being stressed because you had taken the final college exams and was waiting for an answer. You wanted to enter Seoul National University, but he knew that it wasn't easy to get into that university, but he knew how much you had studied even if he didn't know the details regarding how you felt emotionally.

Unconsciously he had memorized your perfume, how you made him feel good and complete, something he hadn't felt since the end of the relationship. Yunho knew your scent, he knew all the smiles – and their meanings – that you gave out to everyone, he knew and loved the faces you made when he pushed you into the sea, or when you simply walked at night and the cold air hit your face.

He loved hugging you and having you in his arms. He loved being able to call you “little one” whenever you arrived and hug him warmly with that smile like a child on Christmas Day. Yunho loved everything about you and that was his biggest fear and warning alert. He knew that falling in love with a girl like you was easy, but he didn't want to confuse things. He noticed the glances you directed at him, how your smile was different in some moments when you were together, how the concern on your face was evident whenever he and your father were in the same space, the face of relief and joy that your face showed when Yunho was congratulated or simply did well in the areas established by your father.

He had to admit that he thought your father thought he was your boyfriend, or at the very least, a suitor. Not only him but your mother too. He also noticed the exchange of looks between you and your sister, noticed the hints that your sister threw at the two of you whenever you were together or Yunho would go to your house so you could go out somewhere, but what stressed him out and confused him was yourself.

Despite all the signs from your family and the statements from the boy's family that said there was something more than a simple friendship, he didn't see any sign coming from you. He didn't want to ruin the friendship that had begun, nor did he want to go back to Gwangju and leave you behind. He had become attached to having you by his side every day.

At that moment, you were both silent, walking side by side on the beach. The sun would set in less than three minutes and soon night would wash over Jeju. The silence was both pleasant and unwelcome. Yunho thought about ending the silence, but what would he say? ‘I think I'm confusing things and I think I'm starting to like you as more than a friend’? Yeah, that was out of the question.

“What day are you leaving?” Your eyes didn't meet his.

Yunho looked at you briefly, trying to memorize the few moments he would still have left with you as this trip would soon be nothing more than another memory. In two weeks he would hit the road back to his city so he wouldn't know when to return.

“Two weeks,” he lowered his head.

"Which day?" Yunho stared at you without understanding. “What day exactly are you going?” You asked hugging yourself tighter after a gust of cold wind came. Yunho automatically hugged your side trying to keep you warm. "Thanks..."

“It’s still not sure, but we have to return before the fifth...” He replied without looking at you and lowered his head. He didn't want to think about leaving you, not after having you so close, bringing him the security and complete feeling he had whenever you were near.

“Great,” it was the first real smile you’d let out since you started walking aimlessly as the sun began to set. Yunho looked at you without understanding. “You gonna stay for my birthday!” Yunho soon cheered up and a cute smile took his lips, being imitated by you who finally looked at him.

You were getting closer and closer to the pier and the cold of the tidal wind tormented you each time, making you lean more and more against Yunho, which made him smile every time. When you finally arrived at the rock where you had met, you remained there for a while in silence, enjoying each other's warmth.

For some reason the wind had died down and consequently the cold from the sea air, but you didn't move away, much less Yunho. Your head was resting on Yunho's chest which was slowly going down and up, he was controlling it, because in reality, his breathing was failing him. Yours was no different. Yunho's hand on your waist as he caressed that area leaving your body burning. Yunho was different from the other boys. You had created a friendship with him that was never possible with many people you had always lived with. You looked up at Yunho, thinking if you should let your intrusive thoughts win.

“How can someone be so perfect with just under the light of the moon?” That was the thought that kept running through your head. You shouldn't find him beautiful in a silly, passionate way, you couldn't fall in love with him, you didn't want to lose this short-term friendship that made you feel so good. Yunho barely noticed you watching him. Little did he imagine that you were recording every detail of his face and how you held yourself back from touching his face and pulling him to face you so that they could finally kiss.

Little did you know that in his head, he was holding himself back from doing the same. Yunho had his right hand on your waist, making a small caress while his left hand rested on your leg, his head was going through a thousand and one things, but reality brought him back when he felt his hand being welcomed by another hand, a warm hand with slightly cold fingers. He looked at his own hand, following the arm of the other hand that overlapped his, finding you looking at both of your hands with a shy smile and... Dumbfounded? He had never seen that smile. Something burned in his chest and a thousand things stirred in his stomach as if the carnival had just begun.

You looked up and the two pairs of almond-shaped, goofy eyes met. Yunho pulled you closer against his body involuntarily and automatically. You lowered your head, feeling your cheeks itching, Yunho undid the clasping of your hands and touched your chin making you look at him. Both of your eyes were different, with a different shine. You hid your face in the hollow of Yunho's neck, making him shiver when he felt the heat of your breath in that place, and he was a little scared when he felt you place a simple and – almost – innocent kiss in that area.

Yunho tangled his free hand in the hair at the back of your neck, pulling it lightly to find his face. Noses touching, breaths mixing, butterflies celebrating, hearts fluttering, the certainty of one thing and the doubt of another. Little by little the centimeters between your faces ended and a simple and innocent kiss took place between the two.

The sensation was the most perfect combination of elements and sensations. A fire dominated both your bodies and the feeling of accomplishment took over completely. Neither of you wanted to open your eyes, neither wanted to part your lips, neither wanted to forget the feeling of liking someone and that person reciprocating.

The lips parted to quickly come together again. This other kiss was different, of longing, of desire, of passion, of love, of fear, of security, of desire, of fulfillment. A perfect dance in synchronization of all the elements that surrounded you made the moment more and more perfect. The tide, the location, the feeling of freedom, the sound of the waves breaking, the feeling of tranquility and lightness. The kiss was delicate, nothing rushed, there was nothing to rush there. That was the consummation of the best feeling in the world for any being, the feeling of correspondence, of friendship, of love.

The lips parted. Both red and swollen, making both want to resume what you were doing, but when you met each other’s eyes, you stopped. That was the certainty, you liked each other and wanted each other, get closer to each other, the good you did for each other was something more than visible. But doubt soon caught up with you and you lowered your head. Yunho was returning to his city in two weeks, what would be the probability that this continue? What would work? They didn't have any clue and that was a problem.

“Let’s not think about that now, okay?” Yunho cupped your face and you nodded, soon kissing him again. And the explosive consummation of their feelings hit you again.

It was the night of the 31st, your birthday. Everyone was there, friends, family and obviously Yunho and his family. You and Yunho didn't let go of each other for more than thirty minutes. Forming an extremely cute couple, the type to have cute and sickening nicknames, you always hugged each other, whispered to each other, etc. As the party ended around midnight and everyone left and, as a birthday present, you asked if Yunho would and could sleep there. Your father didn't like it very much at first, but he couldn't do much, other than accept it, after all he liked and trusted Yunho, he knew he was a good boy and would do everything he could to not disappoint his little girl. And if he did leave, he wanted you both to have the best memories of this summer vacation.

The night was basically the two of you exchanging caresses, imagining what would happen when Yunho left, what would happen if you decided to continue the relationship and if it was worth trying to maintain it. You quickly fell asleep in Yunho's arms while he sang and watched over your sleep as well as stroking your hair lightly.

August 4th is the last day of the two of you together. You had decided to spend the night with Yunho, you wanted to enjoy all the time you still had with him. As soon as they hit the road, you would head home. Dinner was peaceful, a few jokes here, laughter there, jokes aside. Soon the first floor of the house was the same as when his family had arrived, apart from most of the suitcases being present near the door.

You were lying on Yunho's bed watching him pack some things that were missing from his last suitcase. Your eyes were burning, your body hurt, you didn't want to let him go, long distance relationships are rarely successful. You stayed with him practically the entire summer and now you would have to spend the rest of the year away from the boy.

Yunho put a handful of blouses in his suitcase and turned to pick up his pants, finding your sad gaze directed at him, that was more painful than he ever thought it would be. He left his pants where they were, his suitcase open on the floor, some clothes still on the hanger, nothing mattered to him other than his little girl in bed looking at him sadly. He knew why you were like this; he knew because he was the same way.

Neither ever thought or believed in a “summer love” or a “holiday affair”, that was something that neither of you thought would ever happen and you also never understood people talking about them with a look of longing or, whatever that they felt, but now you understood.

You both wanted to be able to relive that month of summer every day, walking on the beach, playing, laughing, playing with Thor, jumping in the sea, chatting, having each other's warmth and imagining that, at that moment, you were infinite, that nothing could stop you, that feeling would be eternal and that no one could ever take that away from both of them.

You were unique on that vacation, without lies, without anyone but you and you alone. You just wanted to run away and hide, spend the rest of yours lives together. Too dramatic and irresponsible, but that's how you felt. You wanted to be close to each other, Yunho forever wanted to be sitting on the rock near the pier with Thor coming towards him barking and you coming behind, catching up with them and kneeling down, petting the big and clumsy little Golden Retriever.

You wanted the feeling of the first kiss again, wanted to relive every vain moment without caring about the world falling apart around you. Yunho wiped the tear that insisted on falling from your eyes. Your head fell on the chest of the boy who hugged you back, not just any hug, that hug that says more than any words, that memorable hug, that hug of longing, that hug of affection, love, goodbye.

"I do not want to leave you."

Your voice came out weak and shaky between a few tears that were already wet Yunho's shirt.

“We’re not going to let each other go, remember?” Yunho commented, stroking your hair, placing a simple kiss on the top of your head. “You will always be with me, no matter where. You made me be me, you completed me, you made me feel like the happiest person in the world...” you moved your head away and looked him in the eyes. Watery, red eyes met and Yunho sighed. “We both know that everything could go wrong after I get in the car and hit the road, I just want you to know that I will never forget this summer.”

Yunho's words of conviction brought in you the feeling of happiness that you hadn't been able to allow yourself to feel since the night before. You both knew it was more likely that you would never see each other again, but that didn't mean you had to forget about each other. His eyes lit up when he noticed the first real smile you allowed yourself to give in the last 24 hours, making Yunho smile too.

“Yunho…” Your voice was weak. Yunho ran his thumb over your face, making you smile slightly at that, feeling it and trying to memorize everything. “I wanted to repeat everything...”

“Me too, little one.”

He placed a kiss on your forehead, your hands quickly cupping Yunho's cheeks, pulling him closer to your face with a slight smile and his eyes were shining, not with sadness, but with happiness.

“Shall we go to the rock?” Both smiled. Yunho was already getting up, but you stopped him, hands on his forearm. “Finish your bags, I don’t think when we come back, we’ll have time for you to pack them later.”

A mischievous smile appeared on your lips.

“(y/n) are you sure?” You approached the boy, looking at him with a toothless smile and that spark that Yunho loved in his eyes.

“I trust you and I don't think we'll have a second chance anytime soon,” the kiss was quick, but full of desire, desire, trust and longing. You and Yunho finished packing your bags amidst small stolen kisses, some tickles and small moments where you distracted Yunho by the simple fact of existing and being in his room.

“Shall we go, little one?”

You nodded, taking his hand and you soon headed to the rock where you met for the first time.

The path was relatively long, but that didn't stop you from keep on running, laughing, kissing, hugging and screaming – in the moments when Yunho decided to carry you on his lap when you started trying to tickle him again. Soon the beach could be seen and your hands quickly intertwined as you walked along the shore and – occasionally – joined the other beachgoers. You kicked the sand, went close to the sea to feel it on your feet, trying to relive every moment, until at dusk, when almost no one was on the beach, you both sat on the rock facing the dark horizon, the reflection of the moon in the sea, the waves breaking, seeing the stars, the wind from the coast, that for both of you was all you had to remember from that vacation.

“The best memories are made of small moments, they are made of people, the right people and the wrong people. They are made of a longing, of a desire. Memories are memories that our unconscious keeps and releases from time to time to remind us of who we are, what we have become, what made us change.” Your speech was serious, but your eyes were focused on the ocean in front of you, your hands always intertwined, the constant reminder that Yunho was still there with you. The silence was nice, it wasn't uncomfortable like it probably should have been. You laughed softly and looked at Yunho with a goofy smile and shining eyes. “You are one of my fondest memories, Yunho.”

“And you mine, (y/n).”

Yunho grabbed your face with his left hand, bringing you closer and your lips soon met. A simple touch of lips. Just a taste of what was, what is, what would always be.

You both spent a few more moments enjoying the moment in which it all began, remembering moments that you thought were lost, moments that you would give anything to relive and never forget. Once you left the rock hugging each other, it must have been close to midnight when both arrived at the beach house where Yunho and his family were staying. Then you went up as silently as possible to Yunho's room.

As soon as he closed the door, began a warm kiss that would remain in their minds for a long time, knowing that when you saw each other again, the desire to repeat it would be extreme. Both walked awkwardly towards the bed, laughing between kisses, feet and legs intertwining from time to time, hands running and exploring each other's bodies. That was when you felt the bed on your knees, pulling Yunho closer to you, not wanting to break the kiss for anything, but Yunho moved away a little, supporting his weight on his arms, looking at you from above, both of you with a smile on your face, eyes shining like two pairs of obsidian, lips swollen and red.

“Are you sure you want this?” Despite the breathless voice and the desire to have his mouth on every part of your body, he wanted to be sure.

Before you started getting involved, when neither considered it anything other than friendship, you had already had a similar conversation where you said that you couldn't give yourself to someone the way some girls did, that you both had to have something relevant for you to get along with, for you to give yourself in such a way and it would not be easy for that to happen.

“Yunho, we may not be officially dating, but our relationship is the relevant relationship I was talking about,” your voice was firm despite your breath being missing a little, a small laugh came out of both of your throats, and you continued with a slight smile and little blushed. “You make me feel good, you give me confidence and I have no problem with that happening between us.”

“I promise not to hurt you.”

You knew he could never do that to you, but that sentence brought greater security as Yunho continued to look into your eyes, waiting and looking for some kind of change, of apprehension, of fear, but he didn't find any. A cute smile took over your face along with a slight pink tint on your cheeks. Yunho smiled lightly, kissing your forehead, then your nose, both cheeks, chin, and a simple kiss on your lips and then focusing on your neck, taking the opportunity to wrap one of his arms around your waist when your back arched with the trail of kisses that he left around your neck.

You both wanted that, there was no better time for it to happen. What would be the possibility of meeting again? Practically zero. You just enjoyed it, you only had one night, one more night together, why not make it more special? Why not make it that memory that will make you let out that goofy smile, bring you that feeling of freedom, that desire to come back, have the feeling of loving and being loved?

"Will we try?"

Yunho asked after closing the trunk of the car and observing your reaction as you stared at his arms, exposed thanks to the tank top he was wearing.

“You had to wear a sleeveless shirt.”

Your comment was low enough that only you both could hear, an embarrassed smile on your lips as you approached him, running your hand over the nail marks on Yunho's arms and back, making a slight grimace when you noticed how visible they were, making the boy laugh and hold your hand.

“Why hide it?” He commented laughingly, looking into your eyes, making you blush a little more before he pulled you in for a quick kiss. The lips trailing from your mouth to the base of your ear. “You still haven't answered me...”

One last kiss under your ear, along with a light squeeze on your waist, caused your mind to go into short circuit, pressing your thighs together, which didn't go unnoticed by Yunho who laughed softly, depositing a last kiss on your cheek. Your hands quickly going to the back of his head, a small caress there and you could swear you heard a grunt come out of the boy. Knowing that you had as much of an effect on Yunho as he had on you was gratifying to say the least.

The memories of the previous night quickly infiltrated both of your minds.

“We can, but when will we see each other again?”

Yunho smiled and kissed you again, he heard the horn of his parents' car and immediately went to the driver's door and opened it, but before entering, his arms were quick around your waist, pulling you between his legs. The kiss was quick and full of feelings. Your hands wrapped around his neck, while his fingers tightened around your waist. It was only when Yunho felt a salty taste amid the kiss that he pulled away, lips red, just like the eyes that stared at him. You had cried. He quickly pulled you closer, feeling your face hide in the crook of his neck, tears wetting part of his shirt, but he didn't care as his hands ran up and down your back.

“Don't worry,” he said wiping away the few tears and kissed your forehead and got into the car, closing the door, lowering the window and then starting the car. “I’ve already made arrangements with our parents, I’ll come here next vacation, you just need to accept me into your house and we’ll see each other again.” Yunho gave a mischievous smile as you stared at him with your mouth open, not knowing what to say. “I love you little one,” Yunho blew you an air kiss and squealed behind his parents’ car, leaving you unresponsive for a few moments.

You ran to your room soon after and rolled over in bed with happiness, stifling a scream with your pillow, you quickly ran to your cellphone marking the next long holiday on the calendar, such as the next day of the start of winter vacation, which was supposed to be the time when Yunho would return. Your happiness was greater than anything else, you didn't know whether to scream, jump, run, or whatever to release the happiness you contained within yourself.

Your fingers quickly sent a simple message to Yunho for when he arrived in Gwangju, to call so you can talk. Even though you didn't know exactly how everything would happen from that moment on, you couldn't care less. Yunho had said he loved you. He would come back to you, you just had to wait for him, which you knew you would do even if he didn't ask.

Yunho had marked you; you were his, just as he was yours the moment he saw you run after Thor on the beach the day he arrived in Jeju. Deep down, you both knew that it didn't matter if it worked or not, because in the end, what you experienced that summer had been more than remarkable, you belonged to each other even before the night you spent together and that was enough at that moment.

"And what was eternal, will not remain only in the smell; in the speech; in the embrace; in the eyes. It will remain inside, intensely stored in the heart.”

(Victor Hugo Felipe)

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whatsaneggimcis · 18 days

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Signs everything I thought I knew was wrong

I needed to dump my thoughts and feelings somewhere because I feel like im annoying my support group. I think my egg finally cracked Wednesday and immediately I had to start researching and buying gender affirming things. Anyways, here's my list of signs that I wish I had seen like a decade ago, please be kind I'm very new to opening up like this

Another Girl in elementary threatened me with makeup and cross dressing and I wanted it bad.

I think this one is such a major factor in why I feel like this has to be real. Its well before puberty and well before I knew transitioning was a thing. Just a natural thought for someone who’s the wrong gender

Multiple times pleading with god to just make me a girl

Still cis tho obv

Thinking if I held still for long enough in bed, some sort of magic would make me a girl and fix this wrong body of mine

I still remember the dreams where im a girl, i legit became proficient at lucid dreaming just for it.

Ah fuck the egg_irl memes are hitting too hard

My favorite game character is Bridget, listening back to the song is hitting really hard actually

Legit had an anxiety attack and took a day off work because my transfem friend said “careful, i said the same thing before i came out”

Wishing i had magic to turn myself into a girl

Playing female characters just to feel cute

Putting on leggings in highschool, then sleeping in them

Some female mannerisms

Kinda hating my poor skin but couldnt do anything about it since thats only for women am i right fellas

Mild euphoria when someone says good girl

Envisioning myself as the girl during fantasies

Jealousy over a womans body

Ive never seen any man sit cross legged at a table the way i do, idk why that one pops up but i’ve seen plenty of other girls do it

Desire to steal womans clothing to cross dress

At current moment I have no desire to bite my nails because I want them to grow out, even though I was a nail biter for 27 years

In pre school, tried to convince another girl to swap clothes with me

In pre school, loved pretending i was at a hair salon and the other girls in the school would give me a haircut. It gave me ASMR

Speaking of ASMR, I like exclusively listen to makeup, nail and hair roleplays

Feeling like i dont want to transition because I could be ugly

After realization, I dont have nearly as much of an appetite, maybe subconscious bodily sabotage in the form of overeating

Not seeing any future when I tried to plan my life better, before I ever considered the option of becoming trans

Feeling hurt when my dad made somewhat transphobic comments about my trans cousin

Wondering what my parents would do if i woke up one day as a woman and had to explain that to them

Genuine euphoria at the idea of trying on womens clothing, but thinking that i was weird and kinky

Playing with stuffed animals with my best childhood friend, a fellow girl

Hating my balls

I bet it feels good to cry, its probably cathartic

Hating body hair god i hate this so much, I’m just bad at shaving it and dont want to be covered in razor burns and have to explain to coworkers why I shaved my legs and arms

Hating my nose

Adopting a super masculine persona

Forcing myself to have a much deeper voice to not feel any of my true feelings

Actually seeing a future after considering becoming trans

Being hurt by transphobic comments at work before I realized my egg status

Was I sending what they said to my friend because i was hurt by it and wanted reassurance?

When i started drawing again, i had no desire to draw “cool badass epic shit” i just wanted to draw super cosy watercolor paintings.

God damn it i’ll say it, I fucking love pastels. Both the art medium and the color spectrum

Repression of my desire to dance and sing, or I guess express myself in any format due to internalized transphobia

“Mens fashion is so lame, girls have it so good. Im cis tho”

Pure depression my entire adult life

Wanting genuine friend connections with women in a more feminine way

Never caring about going out and buying clothes because none of them worked for me

Trying to force myself to not look at girls clothes because “thats only what weirdos do”

On this topic, how the fuck did i think this shit was normal… i wasnt watching women or anything, its not like i was being creepy in reality. I just wanted to see the womens clothes. Why is that such a bad thing for someone to want

Being jealous of my friend since he was openly wearing his girlfriend’s sweatshirt

Dude i stared longingly at a pink gamer girl chair, still cis tho

Speaking of gamers, being super jealous of C9 Sneaky that he could pass so well and was totally fine with showing that whole side of himself online. Same with Finnster.

I think i hate my voice, ever since realizing this about myself i cant help but hear my voice and think its not me

Being afraid to see a therapist because im not sure honestly

Fearing crying, but that might not be internalized transphobia and actually just be a side product of the vice grip on masculinity in society

Daydreaming about becoming a girl

General body dysmorphia

I want to cry but i cant, why cant I cry why

#egg irl #transgirl #trans woman #transgender #trans #closeted #lgbtq #lgbtqia

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myaoiboy · 4 months

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Hi I saw that you answered an ask* the other day and I wanted to know if you continued with your analysis or if you could continue. I was really interested and curious to know more about it. I really wanted to know what you had to say, seriously, I could read a bible of Death Stranding reviews!

*https://www.tumblr.com/myaoiboy/739740134244794368/death-stranding-gender-talk-you-say-count-me-in?source=share

Hi! I totally can keep talking about Death Stranding forever (I know it's a very divisive game but imo on the whole the writing is like a well-oiled machine in ways that MGS just barely started to scrape askdjfh)

For the most part I haven't talked a *ton* about it at length because the series is just getting started and I feel weird making assertions that are likely to be fully subverted within a year or two. MGS has like. well, now, 25 years of shit going on. Sequels, prequels, fanon, etc., that Death Stranding...hasn't really had time to grow into yet.

I also tend to intentionally only post for dead series because the fandoms tend to be chiller lmao

Plus the fact that I got into DS right around the time that DS2 was announced, so I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs knowing that there's about to be more content and context that I just don't have access to yet. I already feel like there's a lot more to be learned about the first game, just from the latest trailer drop.

Honestly I think the thing that really gets me with DS is that despite the borderline insanity of the setting, to me, there's a lot of dramatic irony and meta knowledge that makes DS pretty easy to follow compared to, like, any single MGS game. Maybe I'm just the exact target audience that the writing was intended for, but most of the big reveals felt less like a sucker punch and more of a dramatic swell.

Some reasons for this (please be gentle i am taking cutscene SCs from youtube videos, they're gonna look like shit):

First of all, this is basically frame 1 of being formally introduced to Amelie, we see...this lens flare. Look familiar?

...how about now?

We are introduced to her instantly with a sign of danger. A pretty one, but a sign of danger nonetheless. The fact that it's an inverted rainbow is important! It shows up around timefall because of chiral air disturbance. We don't know that yet in-game, but if you know about how light works you know that there's something Wrong(tm) about this.

A regular lens flare shouldn't be causing an inverted rainbow if it's causing one at all. I think in this cutscene Amelie's presence is causing that inverted rainbow. Throughout the game, people come up with various theories of their own to excuse her connection to the beach. Little do they know at the time how right they are...

She's also heavily backlit, which hides her features in an unsettling manner. In fact, I really can't think of anyone else that this happens to throughout the game (if anyone knows of another example PLEASE let me know!!!)

She gets pretty damn close before that rainbow disappears, but this is where I very quickly lost my initial trust in her (as the player).

I jokingly called called this her "Fox News reporter look," but it's very much constructed in a way that made me suspicious.

Let's talk about that red dress.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: Kojima fucking LOVES using color language, especially red, blue, and gold. It's been super obvious and explicit since like 2012.

The fact that we meet her wearing a red dress is not a coincidence!!! It's a great big flashing warning sign! It says "hey, this person is going to betray you! Do Not Fucking Trust!!!"

Compare Amelie's name card to Paz's from Peace Walker:

The art styles are different, but there are a couple of main throughlines. Namely, both have an emphasis on the color red, both are young (looking) women who are lying about their identities in order to ask the main character a favor. Characters vouch for them, from trusted advisors, to the main character himself in DS. And then they try to bring about armageddon.

Basically what I'm saying is that they're both the embodiment of white woman tears a wolf in sheep's clothing, if the sheep's clothing was still dripping in blood. We (characters, and maybe the players) believe that she's on our side because we want to believe she's on our side, and because other people that we ostensibly trust tell us she's on our side, while the extremely dissonant narrative and imagery of the scene are SHAKING US BY THE SHOULDERS TELLING US TO SNAP OUT OF IT.

Add to that the fact that we kind of vaguely, through that intro cutscene post-central knot explosion, know that the beach is connected to dying somehow, and that amelie seems to be on it, doing very stereotypical little girl in horror things there, like singing nursery rhymes slowly while walking into the ocean.

So we've basically been told that Amelie is Not Good, but we have to spend the game piecing together what kind of Not Good she is. The first hint is (surprise!) also in this cutscene!

I don't recall off the top of my head if I knew at the time how heavily egyptian mythology plays into DS, but I do remember this cutscene giving me a bad gut feeling about the concept of the West.

Very few Big Concepts in these games (the West, strand(s/ing), patriotism/nationalism, etc) are only symbolic of one thing. That's also true across the board in basically all art, but I feel the need to point that out in public posts because I don't want someone to eg, think that I say something means one thing, and then back that up, and then people think that means it can't mean something else! It can (and often does) mean both! and sometimes that additional meaning is super important!

Anyways, Die Hardman refers to Amelie going West. We don't really use that phrasing much, so it stuck out to me as euphemistic. Especially since we saw her after we died, and there's so much euphemism going on from the bridges team anyways. I mean, cufflinks "symbolize our connection?" Girl, you locked me to my bed with them. You drain my blood with them to turn into weapons. Call 'em what they are.

You'll even notice in the same cutscene that Amelie says "we made it to Edge Knot City" and Sam replies with "all the way to the Pacific?" Not "all the way to the west coast," or even a single question about why she was on the/his beach.

If you know anything about egyptian mythology, you might know that west is considered the direction of death and the underworld. ancient egyptians buried dead people on the west side of the nile river. Osiris, god of death and mummification, and king of the underworld, is referred to as "foremost of the westerners" among his epithets.

So the vibe that I got instantly was "Amelie is already dead, she led her team to die, and they are basically sending Sam on a suicide mission" though I didn't realize exactly how I was right at the time.

The other big thing I recall setting off my alarm bells as the game went on was the fact that nobody you meet has ever met Amelie in person. It's a very slow reveal, especially since most people seem to see online meeting and in person meeting to be mostly the same, and we're told that she set out with bridges one. That she went west. Turns out that...also wasn't literal.

I don't remember exactly when I started wondering if *sam* had ever even met her outside of the beach, but I do remember thinking that there was something off. For a little bit my guess was that she was entirely fictional, some sort of AI (pretty influenced by all the "dead person brought back by AI/hypno bullshit ngl), or maybe that Higgs could somehow disguise himself in the Beach in ways i didn't understand yet.

But I didn't feel *worse* for being able to figure things out ahead of time, I felt clever that I could piece together all the little hints and have a good idea of what was going on. It made death stranding feel more like a coherent sci fi narrative rather than a cheesy action story that's expected to follow certain strict genre conventions.

Not that I'm saying mgs or action in general are bad, but rather that imo Death Stranding feels...more mature and confident in some ways (and also isn't bogged down by 20 years of previous work. which. i don't even like my own shit from a year ago half the time, i cannot imagine having to write within the constraints you created TWO DECADES prior kjhksjfh). Maybe it's that it feels like less of a genre subversion and has more genre utilization? dunno. Now I'm thinking too much like an english major lkajshdf

But yeah anybody who wants to talk about anything totally feel free. Or if you want to give me prompts to write about. I will always be willing to talk about things for way too long on the internet. I just don't always reply quickly because I start rambling....Like This.

#oops this got long #death stranding #samantha america “amelie” strand #amelie ds #analysis or something #anon ask

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doberbutts · 1 year

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A lot of arguments I see against people with PCOS + hyperandrogenism calling themselves intersex is due to PCOS being a chronic illness, which is honestly very strange to me. Intersex conditionals also being chronic illnesses is far from exclusive to PCOS, but it's an argument I see used against it often.

Like you said, I often see TERFs and radfems arguing against it too. Mainly because they believe that being considered intersex would make them less of women. Whenever I look through the tag or look into online PCOS spaces, I see cis women angry in droves against the idea of being considered intersex because it means (at least in their mind) that they're not women. Femininity and honestly (as much as radfems would hate the idea) gender dysphoria from said perceived loss of femininity is so common in these spaces. Being seen as intersex in their eyes seems like another way their womanhood and femininity is being stripped from them.

I'm genderqueer so not having a connection to womanhood or femininity has never really been a problem for me (I'm personally much more concerned about my risk of cancer, diabetes, and heart disease due to PCOS). But it is a struggle for a lot of woman to lose that femininity (especially woman of color in these spaces since they're often hyperfeminized or hypermasculinized due to race/ethnicity) they desire and being called intersex can often add salt to that wound.

Their hated of PCOS + hyperandrogenism being considered intersex comes from intersexism + transphobia and how rampent they unfortunatly are in PCOS spaces, but it also tends to come from dysphoria from being defeminized due to things such as body hair, weight, wide shoulders, longer clitorises, and deeper voices that all come from hyperandrogenism (doubly so if you're not white). I think education on what being intersex actually entails and how it doesn't take away from your gender would be incredibly helpful and take away from the stigma in these spaces. A lot of people who say that PCOS + hyperandrogenism can't be intersex are radfems yeah, but a lot of them are also women who struggle with their connection to womanhood/femininity and feel like being intersex would just be a further attack on said womanhood.

Even though I no longer identify as a woman and haven't for over half a decade, I struggled a lot to fit the mold of womanhood and femininity due to being a PoC with pretty severe hyperandrogenism. And for people (especially WoC) who want to be seen as feminine and as woman, PCOS can make that struggle much more difficult. I've been diagnosed for a decade and this has been my observation in these spaces. Hopefully this can give some perspective.

Eh, like the discussion regarding MRAs, I'm not so willing to let terfs off the hook that easily.

If radical feminism had not spread the poison that gender ambiguity, masculine traits on women, intersex as a condition period, and higher amounts of testosterone were somehow "un-womanly" or "mannish" in the first place, we would not be here talking about this today. If they had instead chosen to embrace their transgender and intersex sisters, there would be no "de-feminizing" of intersex women. But because they have decided to instead vilify traits associated with trans women at the cost of implying (or sometimes, outright stating) that intersex women are not "real women", they're now forced to eat crow as their theory is working against them and, really, against up to 10% of all cis women.

If they had chosen inclusivity, they would not have to worry that being labeled intersex takes away their womanhood. Their own theory has blown up in their faces, and they're mad about it.

And because these radfems have spread this poison, now we have other cis women who are not radfems who still believe in what they have spread, who are now also harmed by this notion that they may be "lesser" "fake" "half" women due to a circumstance they were born with.

All they had to do was accept trans and intersex women and not vilify masculine traits on women.

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hiswitchcraft · 1 year

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Thank you for talking about divine femininity as a trans person. I hate the emphasis on new age divine femininity being the gold standard for spiritual workings when, as an indigenous person- there's a lot of cultures where being "balanced" in masc/fem energies and accepting all possible outcomes of being human is how you connect with divine energy. Sometimes it feels really alienating when the divine feminine from the perspective of (presumably) cis women (especially white women) is the majority of what people talk about

Aw you are so welcome! Y'know until my little back and forth with @solarboytrick (hope you don't mind the tag) I (rather ignorantly) hadn't really considered that people of color may also feel alienated by the white centric-ness of the witchcraft community in a possibly similar way to how I feel alienated as a trans person (particularly a masc one.) And you as an indigenous person seem to feel alienated by both. I've been thinking about it a lot and will probably continue to. Thanks for reminding me of that and sharing your experience.

I'm gonna pick apart some things you said and go on a ramble real quick, don't mind me...

"And accepting all possible outcomes of being human is how you connect with divine energy." I really love this. It's interesting to me because I feel like so much of how internalized homophobia and transphobia manifests is holding onto a stagnant expectation of complicated experiences. If more people were open to the fact that they may be gay, or trans, or that being trans is more than "switching between the two," or at the very least that other people had those experiences, I think they'd be a whole lot happier and there'd be a lot less nonsense.

I wanna mention one other thing that you said. "From the perspective of (presumably) cis women" got me thinking. There's something that annoys me about the gender binary, and particularly how it manifests in the new age version of the divine feminine. Besides me hating the gender binary and it leading down the alt right pipeline and all that. And it is the focus not just on the gender binary, stereotypes, etc, but a very cis version of manhood, masculinity, etc. Like just because I use the term man to refer to myself does not mean my manhood or masculinity is in any way inspired by cis men. It does not mean I want to be perceived as a cis man or that my experiences are comparable to them. Anyways I'm rambling. I hope I didn't stray from the point or your point too much! Back to the post.

I'm glad that something I wrote seems to have resonated with so many people for different reasons. Especially because I was actually very nervous to post that. I am often not met with understanding or curiosity when I share my experiences as a trans person.

What you described makes perfect sense to me. I feel much more magical living as a trans person than I ever did as a cis person, and I always say that trans people are more magical in a way.

Thank you for reading the post, taking the time to send this in, and sharing your experience. All the positive feedback I've gotten from that post means the world to me 💕

#I know you probably went on anon for a reason but I'd love to hear your perspective as an indigenous person more!! it's valuable to me #witchblr #trans witch #trans #trans man #divine feminine #trans magic #transmasc

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daydreamodyssey · 6 months

Text

This ended up being longer than I planned, so I'm sorry beforehand. It was about a whatever video of a girl using heightism, saying something stupid but possibly insidious, and me reflecting on our culture toward smallness, particularly with men and how it deals with gender.

(There's a fun present for those who read the whole thing, I promise!)

I saw a tiktok of a girl candidly and cheerfully saying she'd never date a short guy (5'8 or below, she was 5'2) because of a Napoleon complex.

Standard stuff, though still crossing into prejudice.

But then she goes off, in a chipper mood, about deleting them. That really stuck with me.

Best scenario, she just means deleting them off dating sites. Which is still crass and wouldn't fly if she said something similar about other attributes.

Worst scenario, which wouldn't be the first time I heard it, she means literally and physically delete them. She was talking to a guy out on the streets too, so this isn't done terminally online jerk. A lot of women saying they want men dead isn't cute or funny.

I hope people understand that having a preference or having a bad history with whatever group are different than this rhetoric. Even if that person can control something, as opposed to the near permanence of height, it shouldn't mean this group is inherently bad. The issue is the personality, not how long your limbs are or what genes you have. It's a really weird bioessentialism that says if you look different than your gender norm, you are a suspect and a creep in waiting.

There's also this other connection with many men smaller than (the US) average being men of color, which can have a racist and nativist tone. And since height can be affected by the environment, along with making many short people less likely to have high paying jobs and roles, there's probably a classist element, too. A lot of trans men are also short if you want to include transphobia, who already get barely any acknowledgement about how they're treated.

With a lot of women saying "it's in our genes or brains," and one I saw saying for short men to Stay In The Gym, there is this unspoken rule that men MUST be large and dominant or they're not seriously men. With the whole obsession over genetics and strong men, there is a dangerous overlap with trad and fascist ideals, especially with how radical right wing propaganda works (in the 30s/40s and now with the Chad Trad shit).

I don't think a lot of people, men or women, consciously think about this stuff. They could just be shallow assholes. But smallness is almost always seen as infantilism or criminality with no nuance in humanizing, let alone respect as lovers and workers. Maybe there's some taboo part of our private brain that still latches onto "big = strong against predators and rivals" and we don't want to admit and question it like with women and how we judge their looks.

When people say Napoleon complex, it's always vague, like it can mean anything from being aggressive to just being confident to someone taller. It doesn't mean anything and it just causes a Catch 22; you either accept your place on the arbitrary social ladder or you're insecure and in the spotlight. You can't win because you're not supposed to win.

For every short jerk, there's also a tall jerk. A tall jerk who has popularity, fans, girls, money, and literally more weight to throw around. Am I surprised there's a preference? No. I can still be upset about it because I'm human and I'm naturally going to be mad at things that feel unfair and need leverage. And I'm going to be upset when it feels ignored or derided because people don't want to admit they have biases that are more socially acceptable. I'm going to be upset that I and others who are around my height or even shorter have to push limits every day just be treated equally. I can't imagine having dwarfism and seeing these videos or hearing others on the street.

I hear pretty much everything from "short men are rapists for wanting women to be attracted to them" to eugenics and wanting us just dead. There's definitely other traits that compound the toll on a person (weight for myself) that can be greater or lesser, but it's definitely consistent and I've been seeing it rise over the years after some acceptance in the mid '10s.

We need to have honest conversations and reflections about our relationship with size and what it means to be a man. If you want to abolish the patriarchy but still insult a guy because he doesn't look as big and strong and dominant as other men, then you're playing the same side as the men in power or manosphere chuds. The amount of radfems I see hating short men is honestly funny. Like there's no tall misogynists or abusers out there.

If short men, or just A short man messed you up, I'm sorry you had to go through that. But it wasn't like he was infected with the Small Virus, he might've been just a jerk, the same way tall people might be jerks. Just understand that you're overlooking many people because of a bad experience and how dangerously close that mentality is when applying to other people, or toward yourself.

If you read long enough, I congratulate you, and I offer you this one hell of a title I saw in a flea market the other day.

#heightism #short men #social justice #toxic masculinity

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ensignsimp · 5 months

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[Please feel free to ignore this if ya like]

Do you have any advice for someone who wants to start up a Star trek x reader blog? I'm pretty new to it, don't know too much, but steadily catching up an the series.

The thing that's giving me the most grief is that I don't know enough lore to feel confident enough to start writing about anything with the characters ._.)

Ensign Simp Advice Column:

How to Write x Readers

Finding the right formula for writing x readers can be difficult. As authors we have a distinct habit of putting ourselves into our works. However in this case you should try to remain as neutral as possible. Remember that you are an outside observer. Similar to a video game you are creating a world for your player/reader to interact with, just on a more limited scale almost like Mad Libs.

For new people writing x readers, here are the main points you should take away:

Gender

For anyone starting an x reader blog I always recommend keeping the reader Gender Neutral (GN) and Gender Non-Conforming (GNC). This helps a wide sweep of readers be able to better connect with who they are in the story. Many x readers are written in a hetero-normative structure. This isn't the writers fault most of the fan fiction we read today was started by women and feminine people in the 60s.

And a lot of fan fiction is written by feminine people as a way to cope with the crap dating pool that they're in. The men in our fandoms are basically our new Ken Dolls. We can project our own desires and needs on to them. Writers and readers can take comfort in knowing that we are safe because no real harm is being done, it's just make believe.

However, as an evolving culture, we as a fandom need to embrace the variety in gender and break up gender norms. This is why keeping the reader's gender neutral is a good way to break that norm. Also it allows your readers to connect more when their are options to choose from, example: "Good (boy/girl/gender neutral pet name)." Using "they" is much easier in the sentence structure because it is grammatically correct when you don't know the definitive gender of a person.

They walked along the beach holding (insert random character)'s hand. "I love you so much, my dear (husband/wife/partner)." (Character) said lovingly. "I love you too." They said.

If a gender is specified make sure your label it clearly! This helps readers navigate which writings they may like more. I personally only do it on request. It is also why I don't do pregnancy plots or end with "they lived happily ever after with two kids, a dog, house, and white picket fence. THE END"

Appearances and Race

Just like gender race is always an issue in writing x readers. We will try to compensate with trying to add descriptions like:

"She had (long/short) (hair color) and sparkling (eye color) orbs."

However, descriptions don't give a personality! As a Pansexual myself I love people for who they are and not what they are. This has benefited my writing over the years because I was able to break out of the mold of "you must be aesthetically pleasing in order to be loved by this person" in my writing. Remember that all of your readers come in different shapes, sizes, colors, backgrounds, and neuro-divergence.

We have lots of people of color who write and read fan fiction. So make sure your are leaving the door open by not describing the appearance of the reader but the personality! Allowing your reader to mentally roleplay. If you want to tell the reader how beautiful they are (which all readers are beautiful), try something like this.

"I've always been insecure about how I look." They said looking down shyly. "I've always thought you were beautiful. I love your laugh, the way you bite your lip when you're thinking, and how you look at me with such love and devotion. I thought I would never get the chance to be with someone as amazing as you." (Character) said taking their hands.

Describe little things that could be about anyone. Keep it open, keep it loose, and don't pigeon hold yourself into something. Remember that this is an open audience, character appearance customization is for visual mediums.

Characterization

Having a good personality for your character will be important. You don't want to make the reader "the perfect protagonist" but as we know this is a way to help people cope with their own insecurities and issues. But give them realistic issues such as anger issues, social anxiety (not just selective social anxiety), recklessness, impulsivity, SOMETHING THAT ISN'T A PERFECT FLAW!

"Perfect" Flaw Examples:

They care too much

Clumsy

Shy

(Insert Disney Princess Flaw Here)

That is why when making an x reader you should make the reader a flexible as possible but yet give them realistic obstacles and problems. Maybe the reader has anger issues or has a fear of intimacy.

Interesting Flaw Examples:

Childish

Competitive

Impulsive

Indecisive

Jealous

Paranoid

Socially Awkward

Stubborn

ALSO REMEMBER THAT BEING AUTISTIC OR NEURODIVERGENT IS NOT A FLAW!

Give them fears and problems that are relatable to a lot of people and are plot relevant. Try not to give them a specific niche fear (again unless by request and you have it labeled). Remember that your reader will be more interested in the story, if they are interesting. Especially in longer stories than a short one-shot!

Setting

DO RESEARCH ON YOUR SETTING YOU ARE IN!

Unless it is an AU (can't stress labeling), make sure to do research on the time period, world lore, and settings before making up stuff. New writers may not know certain lore but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do research. If you are writing fan fiction you obviously have access to the internet or someway off connecting to it. USE IT!

For example I had a request for a character I didn't know. So I went on YouTube and looked them up. I watched a couple of videos and decided I liked the character enough to write for them. So I borrowed my friend's box set of the show I was going to write for.

I watched a couple of episodes, looked up everything about them online through fandom wikis, chat rooms, and lore (videos, articles, and other fan creations), then I started to write for the character.

To me, being new to a fandom is no longer an excuse for why you are not able to look up information. It doesn't just stop in high school. You'll still need to research things, BEFORE YOU WRITE ABOUT THEM!

Plot

Start with the action, I know I got out of bed, brushed my teeth, and ate breakfast. WHAT AM I DOING AND WHY SHOULD I CARE? Explain what am I doing, what is happening, and what is at stake!

If you don't have a plot idea look up other fan fictions about that character, if there are none, look up prompts to use. Make sure to ask or tag someone in the prompt or inspiration you pull from. This helps other writers get their work noticed, while also sharing in the love of the character and writing.

Make sure everything you write about it plot relevant!

And the most important:

Establish Boundaries

Make sure you have a list of rules for your blog and your writing preference. Make a list of things that you do and do not write for.

EXAMPLE

This helps readers understand what they can and can't ask for.

REMEMBER THAT FAN FICTION WRITERS ARE NOT PAID!

THEY DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE YOUR REQUEST IF THEY DON'T WANT TOO!

#x reader #x readers #writing #fan fiction #how to write fan fiction #how to write x readers #how to write an x reader #fandom #fandom things #writing fanfic #thanks for the ask!

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nimuetheseawitch · 1 year

Note

for character headcanons: klinger and margaret

Klinger

1: sexuality headcanon

Flexible. Hard to label because his gender is hard to label/he doesn't canonically seem to claim anything other than cishet. But I 100% see him as someone who says he's a straight man and then enjoys being a woman and will also totally have relationships/sex with men. He doesn't care about coloring in the lines of any chosen label.

2: otp

I can't help it, I love canon for this. Soon Lee is perfect for him and I just died when she said she wanted to see him in a dress sometime. I also love to imagine that he and Henry hooked up before the war.

3: brotp

Mulcahy. They gamble together, they both have black market connections, and they care about a lot of the same things in some really sweet ways. I love it when we see them team up on things, and I love their interactions in church and gambling in backrooms. They deeply respect each other and their differences and I love that.

4: notp

Winchester. My apologies to those who love this, but Charles has often done wrong by Klinger, and it's just a no for me.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

Post-war tailor shop that secretly serves the queer community. Who else in Toledo knows how to tailor women's clothes to masculine bodies?

6: one way in which I relate to this character

I would also trade away my favorite salami for an incredibly personal gift for a friend and then take zero credit for it (it would embarrass me to be acknowledged).

7: thing that gives me secondhand embarrassment about this character

I don't think anything Klinger does embarrasses me. I'm furious about some things on his behalf, like how everyone treats him when he decorates, but I can't think of any embarrassment.

8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

Cinnamon roll all the way through.

Margaret

1: sexuality headcanon

This is fun because I recently changed my mind. I now hc her as aromantic. I always thought of her as bi/queer, but I've been thinking a lot recently about the possibility of her being aromantic and how that intersects with her perception of her gender and related expectations. The happiest liaison she has is the carefree one night stand after her divorce where she really embraces her freedom to not worry about all the trappings of romance. She tries so hard to fit into this box of the woman who needs a man and marriage, and we see her fumble with this idealistic romance after sleeping with Hawkeye and with Scully. We also see her really happy when eschewing traditional gender roles with Frank, and although she keeps asking him for romance, it either goes horribly wrong or seems to really be about sex and not much more. I don't know, I got rambly, but I like my new headcanon.

2: otp

Herself. I know this is kind of cheating, but I kinda want Margaret to be single and become part of the 60s free love thing. Eschewing marriage and boxes and embracing bodily autonomy seems right up her alley, and I want her to find happiness without being tied to any one person. I want her to love herself.

3: brotp

Hawkeye. They are the best besties and should be best friends forever. I want Margaret and Hawkeye to get together and gossip about their various sexual escapades and scheme together to set up an illegal abortion clinic.

4: notp

Power imbalances in either direction. This isn't one specific person but more about her characterization of someone who sleeps with generals. I am incredibly creeped out by the implication that some of them are her father's friends. I also think she wouldn't sleep with someone who she commands because she'd be uncomfortable with the power imbalance (she makes a comment at some point about how she's dating Frank because he's a Major) - she already struggles to even be friends with those she commands.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

She has 100% explored her sexuality with both Lorraine and Helen.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

All of those feelings about expectations - from the expectations of her parents to behaving professionally to gender.

7: thing that gives me secondhand embarrassment about this character

The shrieking over Radar waking her up and other similar things. She's so quick to assume he's a creep and doesn't give him the benefit of the doubt (tbf, he does peek in the nurses' shower, but he pretty much always treats her with respect).

8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

*sigh* I want her to be a cinnamon roll (and by the end she's pretty much there), but she definitely starts out as problematic. She has so much character growth, and I love her.

#mash #maxwell klinger #margaret houlihan #this was incredibly fun to think about #thanks for asking!#asked and answered

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dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram · 3 years

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For me a theme of Harry's work is often Man Angst and I find it doesn't resonate with me. Louis' work also speaks of pain, but somehow it feels more human and less dude-centric? I'm struggling to articulate why one feels more accessible and the other more colored with shades of the patriarchy. Anyways, hope your day is swell.

This is a really interesting question (and my most common response to the best anons is not to respond to them for six months).

I have a similar reaction to you and I'm interested in why? How much of my reaciton is textual and how much of it is extra textual?

I think textually there are a number of both explicit and implicit ways that Harry's songs are gendered - they are as you say about men's pain and not pain in general.

The most explicit is the use of 'boy' in TBSL. It's not just the use of a gendered term, but using it with a declaration of irresponsibility. The basic idea of TBSL is that the narrator is sad and his feelings are important and he's not responsible for any of it - he's expecting others to be responsible for his feelings. And in our society men are culturally the ones who are allowed to claim that importance for their feelings and make them other people's problems. (I think many women may want that feeling - and may identify with TBSL on those terms - but I don't think it's written in a way that invites interpretation, and instead emphasises that this is an experience that is supposed to be for men).

Then we have phrases like 'wandering hands' and 'playing with myself', which aren't quite as explicitly gendered, but are tied to masculinity on several levels. Wandering hands is a phrase that is used almost exclusively about men (even if we assume the implication of non consent was unintentional). Certainly there's a lot more leeway in our culture for men who cheat in some way - and the act of saying (assuming that is what the narrator is saying) 'I cheated, but I also need a lot of attention on my feelings and how important they are' is reserved for men. Meanwhile women might talk about playing with themselves - but because it's so much rarer to talk about female sexual pleasure - the association of talking about masturbating and being pathetic is very associated with men. Kind of by definition women who talk about wanking aren't being pathetic because it takes a kind of defiance to talk about sexual pleasure openly.

I do think textually the songs are quite gendered - and gendered in ways that are very much about the way men's feelings are treated seriously in art and women's are not.

To me the context also matters - in HS1 you had these songs where Harry talked about women in ways that showed no interest in their interiority at all (Kiwi, Only Angel, Carolina and Woman). I've said this before, but that really amplified the man angst tone of From the Dining Table. The effect on me of that combination, was one of alienation. I'd be really interested to hear from people who experience them differently. But the impression I get very much is that Harry's saddest songs are songs don't reach out and invite identification - and instead invite you to feel for the narrator.

I think what makes something man angst, rather than just angst, is an expectation that the feelings that someone is sharing are very important and should be taken seriously, alongside a lack of interest in the feelings of other people. And obviously women can feel and want both those things. But culturally there is very little space for women to demand that their feelings are important and women have heaps of expectations to take care of the feelings of others. Because of this, I think if a song about the importance of the narrator's feelings is going to invite women to identify with it (rather than just be part of hte audience for the narrator's important feelings) then that's something that has to be deliberately crafted into the song. That casual gendering of the narrator has a bigger impact making the song about men rather than about people, when the song is talking about an experience that women are not supposed to have.

********

I do think Louis' saddest songs take a very different approach to that angst. Rather than expecting the audience to feel for the narrator, they're set up much more for the audience to identify with the narrator. And I can think of a few features of the songs that make me think that Louis' songs are more about identification, but I'm not sure if I'm quite capturing all that's going on.

I'm thinking primarily about his songs about romantic love - Habit, Too Young, Walls, DLIBYH, Defenceless. Although I think the context of TOU does make a difference, because it sets an expectation that the listener will identify with the narrator in the songs.

The two biggest features of those songs are connection and vulnerability. Even the most self-pitying of those songs, still is interested in and seeks connection with whoever it's talking about. (I think it's really interesting is that the impact of that desire to connect is to make the song more accessible for identification, because you'd think the fact that the narrator wants to connect with the object of the song would make the idea of being someone who listened to the song more appealing, but I don't think that's how it works. But that's somewhat of a side point). Then there's vulnerability, without the protective shield of claiming that the narrators feelings are important.

So is the explanation just that Louis' songs invite identification, and don't explore approaches to emotions that our society only legitimises for men? Or is there something more going on? Is there a connection between that vulnerability and connection and gender. Or is it just that Louis' songs are aiming for identification? What's the relationship between those two things.

**********

I have a lot of other thoughts about this (Harry uses the imperative voice a lot in his feeling sad songs - I suspect that's relevant). But I just want to briefly emphasise that this is not about the quality of their songs, but different ways of operating.

I don't think that identification is the goal in a lot of the songs Harry' writes. I think that feeling of seperation - where

And I also wonder how connected these various things are - and if they're less connected than I think, when just talking about these two examples. Because the most arrow to the heart song about unrequited love I know is also unmistakeably from the point of view of a misogynist teenage boy (The Saturday Boy by Billy Bragg). There have been times of my life when: 'I never understood my failings then/And I hide my humble hopes now' spoke to me like no other words in the English language. And the lyrics that came before and after that didn't stop me from knowing that I had experienced that feeling too.

And my point isn't to compare Louis and Harry as lyricists to Billy Bragg, but just thinking how many different ways a song can speak to you or not.

I'm really interested in hearing other people's thoughts about this, and the way people relate to the songs. Are there women who listen to Falling and feel like they're Harry? (I feel like reviews have implied that some men do). What makes a man's angst Man Angst? What about a song invites identificaiton, and what makes it suggest that the narrator wants people to feel for him, not feel the things he says? Is there any connection.

#I hadn't really thought about what made Harry's songs Man Angst in this way before #and it's really interesting #because it is an example of specificity #and he's not specific about much #But he is specific about a very particular kind of experience of masculinity #much ot think baout

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vanillawhiskeyflavoredkisses · 3 years

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I just have to get this off my chest after seeing some very disturbing posts about 9/11 floating around on my dash as well as some truly crude commentary. A lot probably won't agree with my sentiments but I feel like this needs to be said.

I've seen a lot of things on Tumblr in the past that maybe I consider to be in poor taste or don't agree with but I usually just scroll past, sometimes block for curating sake, but today is the first time I truly was shell-shocked. To see the memes and blasé jokes people are making about this day are just absolutely horrific and appalling.

I get that a lot of people on this site now may not remember what happened that day and only learned second hand through school or media or other people telling them. I get that a lot occurred after this that wasn't right which we definitely should be learning from. I also get that there is a lot of anti-American and anti-white sentiments going around currently, especially on this site.

But here's the thing:

Not only Americans died that day. Not only white people died that day. That's the thing about terrorists and what these hijackers did: they don't care about your skin color, your culture, your religious preference, your sexual orientation, your gender orientation, your age, your economic status, your personality, whether you support them or not, your political persuasion, your job, or any of it. Everyone is fair game to them. For crying out loud, look at what the Afghani people are currently going through and how the Taliban are treating their own country's people, women especially. If you think this is bad (which it truly is), have you seen how things went under their rule before 9/11 even happened? Do you know their terrifyingly violent and brutal history? Women had acid thrown in their faces if they didn't wear a full hijab. People were mutilated or executed if they didn't fall in line with the law of the Taliban. And this doesn't even begin to go into Al-Qaeda or Isis. But I'm not here to talk about that or delve into that topic too much.

My point in mentioning all of this is that white Americans weren't the only ones that were killed that day. People of all faiths, of all colors, of different countries, died that day, too. And the unity that is consistently discussed every 9/11 anniversary is in regards to us being aware of that fact, us mourning all of their losses together, and the collective desire to come together and help once the planes hit and after the towers collapsed.

So when people say "why am I supposed to cry over white Americans getting killed that day" think about that. Not only white Americans died that day. And regardless of their color, their nationality, their culture, their religion, etc. anyone dying is always sad. Whether it be a jetliner being used as a weapon that crashed into their floor or someone dying of cancer or someone being killed in a mudslide or someone dying in a car accident -- it is always sad. And empathy should always be shown in response, even if it doesn't impact you personally. Let's not forget these people have loved ones that got left behind, that are still here.

So when people say "if something knocks into a cow and knocks it over, I'm not expected to care, but if something knocks into a building and knocks it over, suddenly I'm supposed to care?" think about that. People aren't grieving two large pieces of steel architecture. People aren't saying "always remember those two towers". The WTC Towers were a symbol (yes, for American wealth, I get it) but became so much more of a multi-faceted powerful symbol after 9/11. The towers represent a way of life before 9/11 happened, but more importantly they represent the people lost that day, who were in the towers when they collapsed. For all of the first responders who were stuck on those floors still trying to help evacuate people to safety when the buildings finally gave. The two footprints and two blue lights aren't a symbol of American wealth or a naivete and simpler way of life pre-9/11 - they are a symbol of memorialization for that day. The Freedom Tower was erected to show that despite the loss of that day, we stood united (even if there seems to be more and more division these days). It's a message to the world that yes, destruction and death happened that day in NYC, but so did rebuilding and life carrying on. It's a symbol of strength, resilience, and unity - something that was everywhere you looked days after this event occurred. The two towers (aka NYC) may have gotten knocked down but the city got back up. They weren't kept down - that's the point of the Freedom Tower.

When people say "I don't understand, what is it that I shouldn't be forgetting since I can't remember it anyway" here is what we all should be remembering despite our age or our connection (or lack thereof) with this event:

2,997 innocent civilians died that day. Among them were 343 firefighters, 37 police officers, 23 Port Authority police officers, 8 EMS workers, and 4 other first responders. Also among them were 246 people on the four planes that crashed.

The passengers of United Flight 93 made a choice to fight back against the hijackers and saved lives that day by sacrificing their own.

Many children lost parents. Many parents lost children. Many brothers lost sisters, and many sisters lost brothers. Many spouses lost their significant others. Many lost friends, family, and loved ones.

For those who want a better connection to this day who didn't experience it and/or don't remember it, and for those others who are seriously lacking in empathy: yes, it was a highly publicized event due to the hundreds of cameras (including media outlets) watching that day, but if the horrific images aren't enough to garner some of your empathy, then there are plenty of other resources at your disposal. Documentaries like 9/11 by James Hanlon and the Naudet brothers, 102 Minutes That Changed America (which shows you not only all of the first-hand eyewitness accounts that day but also lets you hear 911 calls, radio transmissions between firefighters, and people's reactions to the event and each other who were there), 9/11 Firefighters (on Discovery Plus) and even more recently, 9/11: The Turning Point (on Netflix) which provides a 360 degree view of the events that led up to 9/11, 9/11 itself, and what came after, displaying all different viewpoints. You can read the 9/11 Commission Report or there are several books and memoirs out there like Wake-Up Call by Kristen Breitweiser, or even historical accounts in books, newspaper articles, and online. But most importantly, listen to people's stories. The ones who were there, the ones who saw it happen, the ones who ran in to help, the ones who lost loved ones. That is the most important part and the most powerful. On Hulu, ABC News ran segments of 9/11 Twenty Years Later, "Women Of Resilience" being especially powerful. It's hard not to feel a human connection to these stories or any kind of empathy.

For those who are making these jokes and memes, if you like shows like 9-1-1 and Chicago Fire, etc, imagine those first responder characters rushing into those buildings to save lives and losing theirs in the process. If you don't remember 9/11 or feel any connection or empathy, imagine hundreds of Bucks or Eddies or Bobbys or Hens or Chimneys dying that day as they worked to save so many. Sorry to be so blunt because I love those characters too, but do you get a little bit of the connection now? Do you feel any empathy? I'm not trying to equate real life heroes and sheroes with fictional characters of course, but if it helps you to understand a little better in some way, well...I'm throwing it out there.

I myself lived in the Tri-State area at the time of the attacks. I remember seeing the second plane seconds before it crashed into the second building. I remember the devastation I felt watching the first tower collapse knowing that a loved one was most likely inside and how hard I cried thinking he was dead. (thankfully, he had been late to work that day and he got out of the area before the towers came down) I remember the relief and gratefulness we all felt hearing from him to assure us that he was alive when he finally was able to get to a phone, stating he was covered in dust and ash from the buildings. I remember the panic and fear we all felt, thinking the world was ending and we were all going to die, that this was it, this was World War III, after it was confirmed that the Pentagon had also been hit and there was also a downed plane in Pennsylvania. I remember the grief another loved one suffered because she lost her entire floor (she had been out sick that day) and every single one of her co-workers. I remember the race to pick up children from school and get them home as soon as possible. I remember the rage that coursed through us seeing the footage of some people in certain countries celebrating the attacks in the streets, enjoying the deaths of so many Americans, a couple of these countries who lost citizens themselves in these attacks. I remember the camping out in front of the televisions night after night for a week straight afterwards, watching the news 24/7, worrying that there might be more attacks. I remember the feeling of sheer terror anytime a plane was heard overhead or seen appearing low enough in the sky that you could practically make out which airline it was for months afterwards. I remember seeing the lights the first time they were lit from our home. I remember feeling pure fear not only for what happened that day but also what came afterwards (not yet understanding that these weren't practitioners of Islam that did this but radical extremists who had literally hijacked the religion). I remember seeing the devastation at Ground Zero through a tear in the fabric over a fence as we walked through the city months afterwards. I remember not wanting to fly for years. I remember the anger I felt that our government had failed us due to political bs between agencies and countless others (which we found out especially when the 9/11 Commission Report came out) and that because of this horrific and absurd failure, thousands of innocent people had died. I remember seeing the crushed ladder truck, and the toy of the little girl who was on one of the planes at the 9/11 Memorial Museum and all of the pictures in that room that just floored me. (I also remember being pissed off that many were treating it as a selfie op where they were allowed to take pictures, completely missing the point of the museum's existence) But most of all, I remember feeling that life would never be the same for any of us ever again, and that the feeling of safety we had naively enjoyed on September 10, 2001 would never return.

But I also remember the compassion and unity we saw rising in the country after those attacks. I remember the gratitude for all of our first responders, those we lost that day and those who were still with us, actively working to recover those lost and to clear Ground Zero. I remember the feeling of collectiveness, that we all shared grief and showed support to one another in those days afterwards. I remember the fallen heroes and sheroes who ran into those buildings, who were off duty but raced from wherever they were that day to come and help. I remember The Man In the Red Bandana aka Welles Crowther (and many like him who worked to save others) who has become another important symbol of that day. I remember hearing all of the stories of people helping one another before and after the towers collapsed. I remember the good that this day represents. That while we may have seen some of the worst of humanity that day in the form of violence, death, weaponized airplanes, and devastation, we also saw the very best of humanity in the form of our first responders and people helping one another.

Look, did Islamophobia happen? Yes. Was it right? No, absolutely not. As I stated above, I myself feared the idea of the religion until I was educated by a friend of mine about the difference between the religion and extremism. This form of hijacking ideology can be seen in examples like the Westboro Baptist Church or even Hitler. Terrorists do not represent the true spirit of Islam no matter what the former tries to force people to believe. Just as the WBC is not the true spirit of Christianity, and so on and so forth. But even during the time I had feared the religion before gaining understanding and clarity, I never confronted or mistreated any practicing Muslim or Arab-American. Ever. I never posted hate or spewed vitriol against them. Just like with the current pandemic, I still cannot believe there are people out there attack Asian-Americans as if this whole thing is their fault. That's still mind boggling to me and it is absolutely 100% WRONG. It should not be happening. Same with Islamophobia. And it breaks my heart to read that many Arab-Americans and practicing Muslims still worry when this anniversary comes around that they may be attacked. It might not mean much, but I just want to say I am truly sorry for that and you have my full support. Always.

Did we go to war and was it just? Yes we did go to war. Was it just? Afghanistan? I need more information in order to have a fully-formed opinion but there are plenty who say yes and plenty who say no. Plenty who say we made things better over there (before we exited and the Taliban advanced) and plenty who say we didn't and only made it worse. I truly cannot say which assertion is correct and I think it would be narrow-minded and completely moronic (and possibly arrogant and presumptuous?) of me to speak on a subject I know so little about, one way or the other. Iraq? No, I don't think it was just and I honestly wish we could go back and do things differently.

But coming back to 9/11 and what this day means for so many, the people who died, the people who rushed headfirst into danger, the people who lost their loved ones. We saw incredible bravery, selflessness, and compassion for your fellow human that day despite what happened. We saw the strength within ourselves despite the fear and anger. We saw resilience. That is what the anniversary is meant to be a reminder of. The sacrifices, the loss, the courage, and the strength. Black, White, Gay, Straight, Christian, Muslim, Man, Woman, Young, Old -- it didn't matter. We all came together.

So regardless of whether it's the cool thing to do right now on this site (or elsewhere) to hate on America or 9/11 or white Americans or the anniversary itself on the very anniversary of these attacks, I ask that you please consider when posting these hurtful (and frankly harmful) words of hatred and vitriol such as referenced above that there are people out there who lost their loved ones on 9/11, that yes some of them may be on this very site and going through the 9/11 tag, and that some of them may have even lost a loved one in either war and are again on this site reading your words. Regardless of what you think or feel, please consider them and tag appropriately if you're going to post. Please consider that some of these people are currently losing their loved ones due to 9/11-related illnesses because of the cleanup at Ground Zero. Please consider that there are children who lost a parent or loved one, or who were orphaned that day (yes, they exist, we had some in our school district) who are also on this site reading your words. Basically, please just consider and be considerate. Please stop spreading hatred on a day that happened due to hatred; please stop perpetuating that cycle.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

TLDR: Love and light, my friends. Love and light. ✌️❤️

#9/11 #never forget #remember 9/11 #9/11 isnt a joke or a meme

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aphroditeslesbian · 3 years

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I posted 4,283 times in 2021

71 posts created (2%)

4212 posts reblogged (98%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 59.3 posts.

I added 160 tags in 2021

#august rants - 116 posts

#ask games - 7 posts

#supernatural - 6 posts

#spn - 6 posts

#destiel - 5 posts

#anti religion - 5 posts

#q slur - 5 posts

#don't reblog - 4 posts

#books - 3 posts

#to read - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 132 characters

#reblogging this bc u were just so gosh darn sweet to take the time to rec all these!!! all of these are going in my country playlist

My Top Posts in 2021

I'm just gonna say it once... Lil Nas X's video is not good for the fight for homosexual rights. It paints gay men as overly sexual, wearing make up and heels as if those are good, freeing things. He is also "reclaiming" the connection between being gay and being satanic/evil/sinful which... Are we really up for that, especially in a "serious"/unironic context? I sure am not willing to have my homosexuality connected with antigod/sinful shit, bc I don't even believe in god, let alone this Christian god... And this is still very much used against us (homosexuals), as we are seen as evil, sexually perverse, sinful.

I also follow mostly supposed radfems or gender critical feminists or lesbian feminists... And it's tiresome to only see uncritical praise. This video was not good for women, it was not good for lesbians, like I said it isn't even good for gay men... So I don't understand.

Men trivializing make up and heels, tools which are used against women, to keep us uncomfortable within ourselves, is not a service, even if it were a fully positive message in the gay rights front (which, as established, it isn't).

I think it's amazing that Lil Nas X is open and outspoken about being gay, that is clearly awesome, especially since there's not nearly enough out black gay men in the public light.

That being said not every action he takes, no matter how he himself perceives it, is politically positive to gay people (let alone to women, though I understand that only matters to feminists, and is a separate issue from gay rights). Take off your rose colored glasses. If you are a feminist you should be analysing this from a different perspective. I'm not saying cancel him, I'm just saying he is not exempt from criticism. Or at least he shouldn't be. My dash lately has been disappointingly blind to the negative connotations of this video.

49 notes • Posted 2021-04-01 14:58:46 GMT

I imagine that pride month and rainbow flags were meant to be fun. I will never know that experience. We were supposed to be allowed to enjoy bright colors and celebrations of our lives as same sex attracted individuals.

Capitalism and post modernism have made the world such a shit pile that to me rainbows are literally symbols of the homophobic heterosexuals who go around telling lesbians they should be available to date men. They've twisted the actual concept of oppression and homophobia to such an extent they literally are able to overlay other flags over the rainbow flag and call that progress. They erase the lesbian flag (and by that I mean the labrys flag), and call it a "TERF" flag.

I'm honestly just tired of seeing homophobes and misogynists being centered during "pride". Pride month and pride parades have no meaning anymore, and I know too many lesbians who don't feel welcome or happy during these times that were supposed to be about community and joy among other same sex attracted individuals, among homosexual people.

Pride is now a celebration of heterosexuality, of medically abusing children, of fetishes, and of males in power. Words mean nothing among self-proclaimed qu**r people (aka heterosexuals with a desire to be special) and at the end of the day pride was coopted as no more than a marketing strategy centered on upkeeping the status quo.

65 notes • Posted 2021-06-10 00:51:20 GMT

Random request..... Is there anyone out here who listens to country music and could make some recs? Looking for female artists only

177 notes • Posted 2021-07-08 03:16:28 GMT

youtube

Let's take feminist action. This video is about a project to get cloth pads to teen girls in Eastern Kenema Sierra Leone. You can help by creating a Hygiene Kit yourself and shipping it by September 1st 2021 (more info on the video), or by donating [here]. Their goal is £5k, and they are at only 39% of that goal as of right now (June 8th 2021).

251 notes • Posted 2021-06-08 09:29:08 GMT

Hi! I saw your comment about “new radfems” not reading radfem theory and I was wondering if you could list some resources or tell me where to find some? I’ve only recently started to read radfem blogs and I really want to get into it more, and not just read posts about it. Thank you so much, I appreciate your blog!

Hey! I'm really glad you want to do your research, it is heartwarming to know the newbies out there actually want to study the theory.

I think The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir is probably one of the most important and complete books in the path to understanding Radical Feminism. It is also super long and daunting, so while I do think it should be a read-in-progress for all of us, I think it's important to have more "beginner friendly" books, in order to avoid burn out. [link to pdf]

I've been into radical feminism since 2017 now, and I'm not a great reader, so for those of us who find it hard to focus for too long, I think Andrea Dworkin is also a good place to start. Her books are filled with rage – and important analysis. I find her language easier to keep up with, more approachable if you will. Woman Hating was my first [pdf]. You can find all of her other works [here] as well.

The book that made me want to really read more and get educated is honestly A Politically Incorrect Feminist: Creating a Movement with Bitches, Lunatics, Dykes, Prodigies, Warriors, and Wonder Women, by Phyllis Chesler. It's an autobiography, and gives some great insight on what it was like to be involved directly in the Second Wave, and also why sisterhood is powerful and needed, but also not easy to achieve. It gave me hope, and helped me to see radical feminism in a new refreshed light. You can get the audiobook for free as an [Audible trial].

[Radfem.org] has some other books handy as well

And [here] is a post with some other feminist books.

My current to-read list, as offered by a dear friend who's been involved with radical feminism for the past 10+ years, is as follows:

> The Second Sex - Simone de Beauvoir (a current read-in-progress for me)

> Lesbian Nation - Jill Johnston [borrow]

> For Lesbians Only: A Separatist Anthology - Sarah Lucia Hoagland, Julia Penelope [borrow]

> Sappho was a Right-on Woman: A Liberated View of Lesbianism [borrow]

> The Lesbian Revolution: Lesbian Feminism in the UK 1970-1990 - Sheila Jeffreys

> The Wanderground - Sally Miller Gearhart [borrow]

> Woman Hating - Andrea Dworkin

> Intercourse - Andrea Dworkin [pdf]

> SCUM Manifesto - Valerie Solanas [pdf]

> Lesbian origins - Susan Cavin [borrow]

> Sisterhood is Powerful - Robin Morgan [pdf]

> Like There's No Tomorrow - Carolyn Cage [pdf]

> The Lesbian Heresy: A Feminist Perspective on the Lesbian Sexual Revolution - Sheila Jeffrey [pdf]

> Gyn/Ecology - Mary Daly [pdf]

Okay so now I flooded you with reading material... What next? How do you even get started, how do you tackle this?

I think first of all it's really important to find community. There are discord servers out there for radical feminists and gender critical women, communities which are open to you, and were made for women just like you. Surround yourself with women, build yourself up with them. Don't just say your politics are woman centric, but actually make your life woman centric. And read up. Study. Trade notes, ask questions, question... Everything. Be critical. Not just of your past beliefs, but of this new information. Where is it coming from? Who wrote it? What do they gain from it? Who loses if they win?

Be aware that radical feminism is a political movement. It can be heavy. Unfortunately, we deal with the knowledge that the world is ugly, especially ugly towards women. Part of radical feminism is addressing borrow such as human trafficking, pedophilia, incest, and the likes. Have positive things to balance this out, take breaks, take your time. Work against overwhelming yourself. You can do this.

Apply the same kindness you'd offer other women to yourself, and treat yourself with respect. Reach out! To me, to others. We're here for you. We have space for you. We'll make time, we'll try our best. I just spent an hour finding these links for you. Not because you owe me anything, or vice versa. But because I care that you have a good experience of it. We are stronger together.

Anyway, take care. Good luck!

2776 notes • Posted 2021-02-12 01:58:10 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

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ineedahiddencorner · 4 years

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6.23.20

One thing that I was just reminded of in a dream:

Part of the reason why I don't feel completely myself, no matter how well I fix my algorithm?

No real dancing.

I've been swing dancing since I was 13. I don't know the official date of my swingiversary (unlike some folk) because I was dragged along. My sister's then-boyfriend's sister was a regular there and had gotten my sister involved. My sister had been trying to get me to come for weeks. In theory, I was down - she'd taught me the East Coast basic and two turns years before, but only the lead's footwork. (This was very quickly discovered at a volleyball teammate's swing birthday party, where the instructor asked for volunteers for a demonstration. I was so excited, and then did so terribly because I kept trying to start on my left foot.. it was a learning experience.)

I distinctly remember the day she got me to come. She was in the downstairs bathroom, door closed, and I was chatting with her from just outside. I don't remember any of our previous conversation, but just the following:

"Hey [my name]"

'Yeah?"

"Guess what day it is"

[I knew it was Thursday. There was a moment of silence.]

I can't remember the exact words of my reaction, but I'm certain I started fumbling around trying to make excuses for my completely open evening. Sequins just kept firmly saying, "Nope. It's Thursday, you're coming to [Lindy]."

Little did I know..

.. Just how TERRIBLY I'd do my first night!

Of course I jumped into the beginner Lindy lesson. This was when they still taught an actual lindy basic in that time, plus one move.

I don't remember the lesson or most of the evening. I only remember my first actual dance on the floor - the first one they played after lesson - where a kind gentleman asked me to dance and I could not get through a count of 8 without stopping. I may have once or twice in the whole song. We just stuck with lindy, no East Coast.. It did not go the greatest.

Part of it might be terrible memory (as previously found out this last week), but I don't remember being upset.

As mentioned, I don't know how the rest of the evening went, but evidently I kept going.

I don't have too many early memories - mostly things like wearing the red dress that was really a Latin dress but was the only dance-y dress I owned. Then wearing a different dress that I was.. hmm.. not old enough to fill, and one embarrassing dance related. With the addition of dresses came the one night that taught me to wear dance shorts. (I'm certain nothing actually happened, but that concern when you normally wear baggy shirts and jean shorts, and you feel the skirt lifting higher than you'd like? It changes you.)

My first most common outfit (though I can't remember how soon this was after I started) was my red latin dress, a red flower clip in the back, and my slightly-too-big red flats. (A.k.a. the ones I wore EVERYWHERE through ninth and tenth grade.)

Eventually [Haute] gave me my black and white, polka-dot diner dress. I still have that one, and wear it on occasion, but it's just getting old. (It started my Heart of Haute collection though, which was all I would wear for years.)

But that second common outfit was that diner dress, the red flower, and red flats.. clearly there was some easing that needed to happen. Somewhere around there I must've gotten into a single red lip color I had - but I only applied on the main lip area, no edges and most definitely no shape. Ah. Oh very grateful we've come a long way on that end.

I would stand immediately left of the door, cause that's where our friend and Sequins would stand. That stuck even when Sequins stopped coming. (I don't remember why.. but our friend and her friend kept coming for a bit and then stopped too.)

I remember learning the subtle art of asking for/declining a dance even before partners asked - I thought it was the coolest, subtlest thing. I remember watching follows do swivels and admiring them. If I wasn't dancing, I was standing with my arms behind my back, leaning against the wood of that door-left area.

I learned to love dance so much.. in tenth grade my teacher (and mom of my dear friend Caesar - one should also note the class consisted of Rose, Caesar, and I) told us about a dream she had about me getting all the boys from dance. I was mortified, everyone laughed, and it's been a tease since.

Oddly enough, somewhere in there I had the first gentleman ask me out. We were great dance friends! Tried to get a dance with him each time - we got along so well. At one point he asked if I had a boyfriend. I laughingly replied some variation of no. He asked if he'd have a shot. I kindly (and genuinely!) explained that I was 14, but sincerely appreciated it and if I'd been older, absolutely! (I never got his age but knew he was older than me.) He was embarrassed, and I don't really remember seeing him much after.. I understand the embarrassment but still miss him. Alas.

(And there-related, I'm either impressed with him or myself - either he had a very kind eye or I looked relatively together at the time, cause let me just tell you, compared to today's get ups? Oh honey. Oh I was so not properly dressed. Pretty sure this was still when I'd slick my hair back into a tight ponytail.. oof nope not my best look.

That said, we all start somewhere, but dang..)

I definitely had regular partners through that time, though they've changed drastically! It wouldn't be for a couple years that I'd meet Kaiju, Respect-women-juice, and Steals - my longest running, in-and-out-of-dance friends! Let alone more recent friendships..

Oof the early days. Parents dropping me off and picking me up. Then me driving myself but having to be home by 11 for the first year of my license. The different parking lots - North, South, and finally the underground (and my SPOT. I miss my spot. And B. I hope she's doing okay.)

I miss Lindy so much. I relatively regularly attended from that point on. It was a key part of my week for almost half of my life. It's definitely shaped so many parts of my life - respect, communication, kindness, joy, confidence, self-respect.. and much more I know. Heck, even gender roles - I remember getting so excited about leading and talking to a non-dance person as I got better. They were confused as to why being ambidancetrous was a goal and thought it was odd for people to be swapping around the 'fundamental dynamic' of a guy leading and girl following. Meanwhile I was so excited about leading I forgot that was even a view.

(My feelings were captured in the in image below:)

I miss dance. I miss the feeling of a good swingout. Of hitting the break perfectly. Of a favorite song coming on and despeRATELY NEEDING TO FIND THAT PERSON. I miss seeing other dancers in public and getting all excited. I miss trying a dance with a stranger and having it go REALLY FREAKING WELL. I miss finding story songs with Sandman and playing all sorts of characters. I miss laughing when messing up. I miss messing up but playing it off. I miss playing off an entire song cause neither of us are feeling it so we both just act ridiculous. I miss switch dances. I miss getting more confident in my lead. I miss dancing outside Lindy and Peanut-Butter & Dance. I miss hugging my friends. And getting good dips. And everyone's "dance outfits." I miss the Sisters' elaborate themes. The regular FEAST of snacks. I miss Heroes sneaking me in. I miss helping afterwards and catching up with everyone. I miss the peppermints at Lindy and having to move my "spot" for my stuff when the corner would get crowded. I miss the friends I'd make in the ladies lounge. I miss dance shoes. And space. And Camp Hollywood.. frick I miss Camp Hollywood. Days of dancing. The whole mindset being different. (And I was even going to bring ACTUAL food this year! (Not that protein bars and bananas aren't great, but.. variety)

I miss the music. The go to songs. I miss the smells of each of my favorite dance places. I miss feeling like I'm "coming home" every time.. And even if I have very low energy, still having a lovely night talking away to someone.

Especially Lindy. It did feel like home. I knew so many folks there. It was a wonderful home outside school, outside Old Street/New Street. It was my own space where I'd created myself. (Not in a facade way - quite the opposite. Where I'd built myself and my adult identity up from the roots.) It was my space. Not in an owning way, but in an independence way. Before I attended professional mixers and conferences, before I started at Engineering School, before I'd really had full on interviews - I was already my own person, forged by way of jazz music and incredible dancers.

That last part of the sentence is still off. Mostly cause it reduces dance to two things. But eh.

Of course as an adult there's so much more to learn about dance. Now is the perfect time to catch up on my swing history. It's changed over the years and I want to know that change. It's meant more than just light-hearted movements, and I want to catch up.

It's not stagnant. There's much more to know.

I've ignored dance due to "new physics" and therefore subconsciously not letting myself connect with that part of me. But there are other pieces I can learn without actually dancing.

Now is the perfect time for that.

#dance #i miss it #express #indirect

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actuallyasexual · 6 years

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Hi! Would you mind talking about what it's like being ace and agender? I know I'm both aro and ace, but I'm trying to decide if I'm also agender. Sorry if this isn't the most relevant to your blog.

Sure.

Identifying as agender is fairly new for me.

I grew up “defaulting” to the gender I was assigned. It felt like a default, because I had no strong affinity towards my gender identity. It simply felt like a box I had to check on a form, rather than something that truly felt like a part of me.

It’s hard for me to say if I’ve ever truly experienced gender dysphoria. I have a strong aversion to things commonly associated with “womanhood” such as breasts, menstruation, and motherhood.

[Please note: I am not saying these things are exclusive to “womanhood,” but these are things that the people around me constantly associate with “womanhood.” ]

I don’t like when these things are associated with me. For a while, I thought that I was just embarrassed by these things. I thought that maybe I didn’t like these things because women are taught to be ashamed of them.

However, I’ve tried working through those assumptions and I’ve found that I’m not actually ashamed of these things. I simply do not feel a mental, emotional, or physical connection to these things. At all.

I experience degrees of dissociation for reasons unrelated to gender identity, but my feelings towards my physical form are comparable to a degree to how I feel when I am experiencing dissociation.

The body I was born into and the way it functions feels separate from myself, and for a time I believed that I needed to accept the body I was given in order to combat misogynistic and sexist attitudes about women.

The assumption was that, oh, I was merely a victim of these things which prevented me from feeling good in my body. Yet, no amount of “body positive” feminism helped me the way it helped other women…

…because I still don’t feel a strong connection to womanhood. It’s not an internalized hatred of womanhood. It’s not a failure on my part to accept the parts of myself that “align” with womanhood.

I just think about being a woman, and I feel blank. I hear “miss” and “ma’am” and I feel blank. I teach, and one day a student said they were just going to call me by my last name instead of saying “miss.” That made me feel something.

That made sense to me.

Growing up, I also had a masculine demeanor. I liked stereotypical feminine things like the color pink, playing with dolls, and dressing up. However, my personality has always been more masculine than feminine.

I took on masculine roles while playing pretend with friends, and I felt comfortable doing that. I enjoyed material “for boys” just as much if not more than material “for girls.” My friends joked about me being like a man. etc.

I’m adding this not because I feel like I am a man (I don’t…), but because as a child it felt very normal for me to transcend gendered expectations. I didn’t really think about it. It just made the most sense to me.

All the dreams that “all little girls” are supposed to experience never happened for me. Gender was not important to me in the way it was to other girls when I was a child, and that feeling has continued into adulthood.

It’s the surprising lack of feeling I have with regards to womanhood and femininity that lead to me identifying as agender, which connects to my asexuality and my aromanticism.

My asexuality and aromanticism are based on my lack of feeling associated with sexuality and romance. It just made sense for me to extend the same logic to my gender identity, and I feel more at peace for doing so.

“They” pronouns make the most sense to me. I feel like a person, and not just a “blank.” The idea of not having pronounced breasts makes sense to me, and I feel more like a person when I’m not menstruating than when I am.

That’s my personal story. It may not be yours. How you come to understand the agender identity may be different from me. That’s okay. I am by no means an expert on the identity and as I said, identifying this way is fairly new for me.

#agender #gender identity #menstruation cw #gender dysphoria cw #just in case #Anonymous

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ruffboijuliaburnsides · 6 years

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im gonna ask you a question. so, right now i identify as female (cis). and i'm not sure about it. how did you realize you were nonbinary? i tried out they/them pronouns once and i didn't like it. but like. sometimes i don't feel right with my name and my pronouns and my body. but that just might be depression or me zoning the heck out haha. i'm young, i have time. but i just want help? ? ? haha thank you and i really love your blog

Aw, no worries, nonny.

So I’m going to preface this by saying that everyone’s experience is unique, I’m not a professional anything, take anything I say with a grain of salt and do your own research and come to your own decisions. I will also mention that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the major symptoms of BPD is a lack of identity, sort of the… throwing yourself into things and other people and other people’s styles and making that who you are over and over and never quite feeling like you have an identity that means “you”. I mention this because that’s one of the things that currently has the biggest impact on me of all my BPD issues, and that has colored my entire gender journey, which in turn colors my advice and thoughts about it.

So as far as me realizing I was NB, it was a looooong process. I felt kind of dysphoric and maybe not-female for literal years, then I came out as trans because I figured “this probably means I’m a trans guy” and it felt MUCH better but still not quite right. After a couple years I went “yeah, not quite a guy either. …I guess that means I’m neither?” and that’s pretty much how that happened.

All that said, I’ll mention the following things:

1) the more I recognized and processed the internalized misogyny I have, the less dysphoric being read as female has become. It’s kind of plateaued and I think I’ve mostly just hit “i’m nb but more comfortable on the feminine side of things than I used to be” but hey, who knows, right? I mention this one first both to get it out of the way and because of stuff you mentioned in your ask. It’s not unheard of at ALL for cis women to feel very dysphoric about their bodies and uncomfortable with their womanhood. It’s not universal, though, it’s just a possible option. Our society hates women and teaches women to hate themselves, but whether you’re just a woman dealing with the fallout of living in a deeply misogynistic society or a trans person is something only you can decide.

2) I have known more than one cis female lesbians who identified as nb and don’t anymore, or identified as a trans guy and now identify as nb or cis. There is a lot of bullshit that most of us are trained into unknowingly about hating women and hating ourselves, and when we find ourselves loving women, it just compounds like… EVERYTHING. So if you’re a lesbian or bi, this could be something to keep in mind.

3) my most dysphoric moments were also tied to what I would consider my most disassociated moments. When i’m struggling so hard to even feel a connection to my body, things that make me actively NOT identify with my own body are like that much worse. It could also be the other way around, but either way, they can feed into each other. Mental illness can be a huge influence on your identity. That doesn’t mean your identity is wrong just because you’re mentally ill - i firmly believe that part of the reason I identify with nonbinary so hard is because it’s sort of an “in-between, unspecific, not really anything” sort of identity to me, and that’s how I feel about my identity at large most of the time. That said, identifying as NB has been a source of relief and joy, so even if it IS stemming from my BPD I don’t give a shit because it makes my life better.

4) It’s okay to change. If you’re cis now, and you identify as NB or a trans guy later, that’s okay. If even later, your identity shifts again, that’s ok too. Some people find who they are young and never really stop feeling that. Some people are really fluid and have a complex and ever-evolving relationship with their identity. Neither one is wrong. Your labels are for YOU. To make YOU feel like you have a handle on yourself. As your understanding of yourself changes, your labels might change too. That’s ok. Anyone who tells you it’s not is not worth your time.

5) You are valid. I know that’s basically a meme at this point and it’s a funny one, but the thing is that you are. You are you. You’re allowed to be you, and feel your feelings. The important part of any of that is how you REACT and ACT ON those things.

6) You’re allowed to tell people no when they ask questions. You’re allowed to say “that’s personal” or “I don’t feel comfortable answering that” or “sorry, you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock that part of my backstory” or whatever. You do not have to feel obligated to explain yourself and your identity and how you came to that identity and how it affects your sexuality etc etc ad nauseum to everyone who asks. It’s okay not to answer questions about things that people technically have no right to. It’s also ok to answer them if you’re down for it, but you’re not being rude by saying “no, that’s too personal, I’m not comfortable with that”. If they push it, THEY’RE the ones being rude.

7) The last and possibly most divergent from the original topic thing I’m going to say is possibly the most controversial? And it’s more about attraction than gender, but in my experience, dealing with one inevitibly means dealing with the other at the very least inasmuch as where they intersect, but that experience is why I’m including this. Unless nothing else has worked for you, I would stay away, at least initially, from the split attraction model. That’s the x-sexual/x-romantic split, and identifying them separately. I am not saying they’re bad or that they can’t be useful or helpful, but the thing is that they are mostly of use to the ace community, and only to a limited extent. Diving into them when you don’t need to can just over-complicate things; as much as labels are for YOU, it also doesn’t help to be overly specific. If you can be sexually attracted to both guys and girls but you’re only interested in being in relationships with girls? Sure, you could say you’re bisexual homoromantic (as a girl that is) but unless that is something that is NECESSARY FOR YOU, you could also just say you’re bi with a preference, or say you’re a lesbian because yes i think bi women who are still attracted to guys physically but have no intention of or desire to be with men can call themselves lesbians if that’s more comfortable for them. I say this mostly because I and more than a few people I know have done the split attraction model because it’s what is being done or w/e and it messed with them being able to actually deal with issues they were having and correctly identifying their sexualities and etc etc etc. It’s not intrinsically bad or harmful or wrong, but it’s also not intrinsically good, and it’s not useful for anyone. Unless you think it’s absolutely the only way to find your identity, I would largely steer clear of it for yourself. I put this last because it’s the least related to your actual question.

…I can’t think of anything else rn. Use the identifiers and terms that you’re comfortable with but don’t feel bad or ashamed of changing them if you realize they don’t apply anymore. Don’t feel like you have to identify things super-specifically just because it’s common practice. Uh…. idk, i’m a wee bit tipsy but hopefully some of this was even a little bit helpful? GOOD LUCK MY SMOL ONE, EVEN IF I CAN’T HELP I’M HERE TO LISTEN IF YOU NEED AN EAR OR A SHOULDER!

#Anonymous #audience with the gods

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abigfuckingbully · 5 years

Conversation

Aiden Burke: This book is based in reality. How autobiographical is it?

Atticus Davis: This book is heavily autobiographical. It's a warped version of true life events.

Aiden Burke: You used to play music?

Atticus Davis: I grew up playing music. I thought originally that I was going to be a successful musician but I found it incredibly difficult. I was getting good at guitar, I had started a few bands from the ages of 16-19. Tried to make solo work but quit. I was depressed. Everyone I worked with 'couldn't do it anymore' or just 'lost interest.' I was 19 when I really finally gave up music and the hope of starting a band. To be honestly I'll never fully give that dream up, I'm a great performer. I am interested in being vox for a post-hardcore/math band. If you live in the Bay Area and you like my poetry hmu. My brother is the only one still making music as of now and he lives in Japan. I thought we were going to make music together at one point and play out. Again, just never happened.

Aiden Burke: You started writing when you quit music?

Atticus Davis: Yeah. It was a great decision. I had full control over the outcomes whereas with music I was relying on so many other people and their being fickle...

I started writing this collection of poetry titled 'Adulthoods,' which is how I eventually met my ex-girlfriend. Which I think is described in the book.

I can finish what I start and get my work as far as I want when I write.

Aiden Burke: Music is still important to your life.

Atticus Davis: Absolutely. I grew up in punk which lead to a really young interest in Anarchism and Ecology. When I was 16-19 I was frequenting shows and the more I learned I heavier life felt. I read Evasion and I read Endgame by Derrick Jensen, which is about how civilizations are all unsustainable and how our only hope for our future is violence against the state and monkey wrenching. I still believe in those things. But I was radicalized and exposed to those politics mostly thru music. I was hugely connected in music but I stopped frequenting shows when I was falsely accused of stalking a peripheral friend I'd known for 8 years.

Aiden Burke: You were blacklisted?

Atticus Davis: I was used for sex and then disposed of. I started to try to talk to this person about how I felt and found them completely unsympathetic. I had an idea that her ex boyfriend would be part of the picture again but I had no idea that we weren't going to be friends after 8 years of knowing each other. I tried voicing how I felt but I was met with silence and disinterest in the conversation then deemed a stalker for not accepting the silence. Feel like stalkers aren't confrontational. Feel like if the gender roles were reversed people would have been defending me and up in arms. They would have had to talk.

Aiden Burke: That's a huge loss of faith for you.

Atticus Davis: Yeah, after that I couldn't #believewomen and lost all interest in feminism. It seemed like a girl's club, borderline female supremacy, and on the ground having too many inevitable pitfalls for me to give a fuck what happened to women.

Aiden Burke: You said in a previous interview that you're interested in 'the relationship story,' or that model. That appears a lot in this book too.

Atticus Davis: Yeah, I wanted this book originally to be a vehicle to talk about all my previous relationships but by the time I actually got to writing about those relationships my memory was so bad that I really had to mine myself for the content. It ended up having the relationship stories in it but having a completely different main thread.

Aiden Burke: And You said that was heavily influenced by alt lit/indie lit.

Atticus Davis: Yeah I literally just used to write poems about myself/my thoughts but I started reading people like Mary Miller and Elizabeth Ellen who write about other people. I didn't think/care if it was responsible I was just blown away that you could make art and sort of create these portraits of relationships with people you're dating/have dated. It makes you care more about those relationships and draw more meaning from them. Alt Lit/Indie Lit was a huge influence on me and initially reminded me of punk in that everyone was young and making this explosive/pop art. But they really aren't very punk, like, at all. The snobbery that pops up in countercultural/indie/punk circles is covered a lot in this book and that's what alt lit/indie lit starts to reek of. Punk was already dead to me at that point. Autobiographical fiction seemed like a very intimate thing. Like, real life stories with the names changed was completely new as an idea to me. A lot of the book No Such Thing as Broken is like @abigfuckingbully in that way.

Aiden Burke: In this book you're the main character. How much of this character are you?

Atticus Davis: The character is definitely a more potent version of myself because I can compose it but it's like a film in that it's 'hyperrealistic'

Aiden Burke: There's a scene where you repeat that, 'feminism is cancer.' Do you mean that?

Atticus Davis: No. The main character is an obstinate person who resists completely identifying as a feminist for the same reason I do. He's repeating a slogan he'd heard a woman tell him before, I took it from a conservative. It's mostly just to set himself apart from people who relinquish parts of themselves for the hope of cohesion/tolerance. He/I believe that in order to be moral/altruistic the way you arrive at and believe what you believe is as important.

It's also kind of an extreme inversion of the attitude of people virtue signalling. Hiding in a kind of filth of anti-social 'values'/ideas more than beliefs. Even if I believe what you believe I am/this character is definitely averse to wearing those beliefs on his sleeves because to him it feels more like a prostitution of belief or a way of building some exclusive club. I wrote it because I knew you're literally 'not allowed' to say that, it's like blasphemy of a religion, so definitely wanted to include it, just to fuck people up and reject people's sensibilities like Dostoyevsky Wannabe or anyone else who was convinced I was alt-right.

Aiden Burke: This character rejects counter culture strongly.

Atticus Davis: Yeah I think there's a lot of things/experiences that show a lot of intolerance, misunderstanding, and elitism in punk/alternative circles. I've seen call out culture abused and completely without substance or oppositely for the purpose of social control. Once exposed to this jealous boyfriend, of the girl who accused me of stalking her, who used the accusation that I 'fetishize women of color' to try and get his ex-gf to stop fucking me. It was founded in nothing. I like/date white girls predominately but I've also dated outside of my race, like anybody else in the Bay Area. It was a racist thing to say tho and definitely only served to satisfy a jealous person.

Aiden Burke: What do you want people to take away from this book?

Atticus Davis: I want people to break out of any paradigm and be militant in mining your life for personal truth and then acting accordingly. I want people who believe in things like anarchism and feminism to question if they are making progress and meeting like minds or alienating people and driving intelligent people out of their group/scene/'community'.

The different between thought and endorsement.

I also want people to be more accepting of sexuality in general. Seems like the counterculture succeeded to be the snake eating itself so that now women are just as interested in suppression of male sexuality as men used to be interested in suppression of female sexuality. Can't be entirely convinced that men who are openly sexual/sexually viable in a small group isn't met with anger outright. The counterculture is accepting of sex if it fits into what women view as 'appropriate' which means subtle and don't hit on anyone. But I've gotten laid hitting on women and have brought a lot of the women I've had in my life into my life by being arrogantly open about sex or just communicate that my interest is more than being friends.

Aiden Burke: What do you believe this story is about, if you had to summarize it?

Atticus Davis: It's about never giving up and never giving in even if it feels wrong while it's happening you might find yourself closer to yourself and in effect closer to God. It's really about how nihilistic I am and how the only things I really beleive in are myself and God.

Aiden Burke: Does this novel make you feel closer to God?

Atticus Davis: Yes, absolutely.

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