#i'm just really tired of fighting with myself 24/7 about this

[niredsw]

okay here goes nothing please dont be mad at me for this afterwards

i am so fucking tired of feeling left out in every. single. friendgroup. i'll ever have.

i just cant stop thinking "what if they hate me secretly" "they probably laugh behind me" "they probably talk about how annoying and stupid i am when im not there" and this one is pretty stupid but "what if they have another groupchat that im not in and they talk there all day and thats why they never talk to me" i know people said it a million times but i really cant stop thinking like this.

(you have every right to be mad for this part its not even a big thing why am i sad over this)

just today a new friend of mine decided to co peletely ignore my existence and talk with another friend of hers, and thats okay, really, she has other friends and i have other friends aswell, its okay. the thing is i went to her class to talk to her and she just walked beside me, exitted her class and went to mine to talk with her another friend. i know im short but like she shoul've seen me right? i dont know this feels so stupid when i say it out loud

then theres the server, dont get me wrong please i love every one of you so much its just im not active 24/7 and that makes me feel left out. there are certain people who are active all day or people that are loved by everyone and even if they wont answer for days everyone is always having fun with them, i know im not the best friend a person can ask for but i'm really trying my best and i just want to be loved the same amount as i love people, do i really want so much? its really stupid, really, but fuck it no one would probably even see this so fuck it we ball

today when the staff was talking about if we should invite someone or not, everyones opinion was asked, the people that didnt respond were tagged, but i wasnt. this is really really stupid but it just made me feel horrible, like i didnt matter

yeah i know its pretty stupid.

im just too scared that people will lost interest in me one day and i'll just be forgotten, ignored, not important anymore. im so scared we will have a huge fight over something stupid i said and never talk again, then after a few months someone will mention my name and people will just say "we were friends once, never liked her anyways"

i know its really stupid its just how i feel

i fucking hate my attachment issues. i spam people a lot amd then get sad when they dont respond, and i dont even know why i do it myself

im just an obsessive idiot whos always scared of people leaving her. but i never realize how annoying and stupid i sound and then i get sad when they leave me, even tho the signs were super obvious that we were drifting away

im sorry this is stupid i dont need any help i just needed to scream to the void

[jankwritten]

hm.

[luvmmarner]

PROMPTS OF ALL PROMPTS

I would definitely make intense smut prompts later! For now I hope you enjoy these fluff angst prompts instead! Requests are always opened!

For others that want to use these prompts! You're free to do so! Just tag me no need to credit. I would love to read it and see what you came up with! -- FLUFF PROMPTS 

“Can you hug me”

“My teammates gets annoyed because I talk about you 24/7”

“Can we have a date night tonight?”

“Do you know you're pretty” 

“Why are you being a pain?” 

“Stop simping for me you simp” 

“Your blushing you idiot” 

“Are you kidding me? I love cuddles” 

“Your hair smells good.” 

“I just want to lay here all day” 

“Can you wash my hair for me?” 

“I really need you right now”

“I like you.. well no… I love you” 

“I love your smile” 

“You sent me inappropriate pictures. When I was out in public” 

“Why are you so clingy?” 

“Fine. We can stay home tonight” 

“Dance with me in the rain” 

“Let’s jump in the puddles!” 

“Can I sit on your lap?” 

“Kiss me please!” 

“Can you rub my arm in circles?” 

“I’m wearing your shirt if that’s fine!” 

“This still smells like you” (long distant or for breakups) 

“Your mom gave me pictures of you when you were a baby.” 

“Stop you’re making me blush in public” 

“Don’t… I’m ticklish —“ 

“I can’t sleep can I stay here”

“I had a nightmare…”

“I care about you”

“You mean everything to me”

“You make me feel like I’m at home every time”

“Can I give you a hug? You look like you need one”

“Stop denying it! You need sleep”

“You’re so adorable.”

“You make me so happy.”

“I need pads”

“I don’t ever want to lose you”

“I feel better now that you’re here with me”

“It’s like we are meant to be”

“I’m not going anywhere”

“I feel safe when I’m with you”

“I can’t reach the top shelf.. Can you help?”

“Here take my jacket.”

“I just started my period…”

 “I’m right here baby, it’s okay”

“I’m so in love with you.”

“I’m never leaving you.”

“You're mine forever.”

“Should we make it official?”

BEACH PROMPTS

“Can you do my sunscreen?” 

“Why is your massages better than you scratching my back” 

“Please come in the water” 

“Stop it’s cold!” 

“I'm going to splash you!” 

“My sandcastle is better than yours” 

“I won!”

“Don’t throw me in the water!!!”

“I’m trying to tan”

“Stand in front of me you block the sun”

“Can you give me a piggyback”

“The sand is hot” 

“Come with me on the floatie!”

“Can you set up the umbrella?”

WINTER PROMPTS

“it’s snowing!” 

“We are locked in…”

“Let’s look at the stars through the window”

“Can we bake gingerbread cookies”

“You got frosting on your face”

“It’s so cold..”

“I love hot coco.”

“Look! I caught a snowflake in my mouth!”

“You got snow in your hair!”

“My snowman is better!”

“Whoever gets to the bottom of the hill first wins!”

“It’s freezing, could you turn on the heat?”

“Snowball fight!!!”

“I got snow in my boots, now my feet are cold.”

“Dw! I’ll warm you up!”

“Let’s build a fort!”

“This is the perfect time to set up the Christmas tree!”

“Ooh! I love sledding!”

“Woo! That was sooo fun!”

“Here! I made this one just for you!”

“You have such good decorating skills!”

SUMMER/CAMPING PROMPTS

“It’s so hot!”

“Can I borrow your hat please?”

“May you buy me a slushie? I forgot my wallet”

“The mosquitoes are killing me”

“Here let me spray you”

“Let’s go on a hike!”

“The sun is so bright.”

“Did you forget the sunscreen.”

“Baby, can you get my backside please?”

“I want to go swimming.”

“Can we just stay inside!”

“This is the perfect spot to set up our campsite.”

“I got the marshmallows!”

“I’ll help you set up the tent. But.. I don’t know how.”

“I’m already tired.”

“Let's roast marshmallows!”

“I made a smore just for you!”

“We can share.”

“Come swimming with me!”

“The water is sooo warm.”

“I rented a boat. You know how to drive it right..?”

“Don’t worry, of course I got the beer.”

“I love summer parties.”

“No… I didn’t steal your towel… Ok fine I did”

“Put me down – Ok ok fine fine! You win.”

“Can we go on a road trip?”

“You pushed me into the water, you jerk!”

“I couldn’t help myself… All the ice-cream flavours looked so good!”

“I didn’t buy any more ice cream.. The receipts are lies!!!!”

“Can we stay longer!!”

ANGST/ARGUMENT/BREAKUP PROMPTS

“You promised me.”

“You lied. You said you would never leave me.”

“Don’t lie to me. I know everything”

“Please don’t do this.”

“I loved you.”

“Why don’t you trust me”

“This can’t be goodbye.”

“Please don’t walk out.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“I don’t love you.”

“We were never meant to be.”

“I just wanted to be enough for you.”

“I don’t forgive you.”

“Stop saying sorry! It’s always ‘I’m sorry’. When you really aren’t”

“If you’re sorry, why did you leave me?”

“You thought I was dumb.”

“I know you’re lying.”

“Why did I fall in love with you.”

“I’m so stupid to think we had something.”

“You never cared about me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop being selfish.”

“I moved on.”

“You cheated on me.”

“This isn’t working…”

“No. We can’t… we are too toxic for each other.”

“Why me..”

“Us? There was never an ‘us’.”

“I’m done.”

“It’s better if we just stop seeing each other.”

“I can’t love you.”

“You broke my heart so carelessly. Now you want forgiveness?”

“You don’t deserve me.”

“Leave me alone.”

“Your always mad at me.”

“What do you want? Because I could care less.”

“I was such a fool.”

“You talked to her and then lied about it.”

“You told people that you were single…”

“I thought you loved me..”

“How could you…”

“That’s not going to happen. I already told you.”

“What's wrong with you seriously?”

“You lost me”

“Where’s your new gf/bf?”

“Shouldn’t you be with your new gf/bf”

“I thought things were going amazing”

“I thought wrong…”

“This is goodbye.”

“Don’t you love me?”

“I can’t live without you.’

“What did you expect me to say?”

“Our relationship is in the past. I’m sorry.”

“I like someone else.”

“This will be the last time you lie to me.”

“How did you think this wouldn’t hurt me?”

“I think it’s best if we don’t meet again.”

“You didn’t love me, did you?”

“I hope you're happier.”

“At least you got what you wanted”

“I was miserable and I still loved you.”

“Stop pretending. You wanted me like this… You wanted me broken and you got what you wanted.”

“We can’t keep talking. This isn’t healthy.”

“It’s best if we stop talking… like forever.”

“You're not the same person I fell in love with.”

“You don’t own me.”

“You act like everything is fine when it’s not!”

“Can we not argue for once.”

“Not now. Not even in a million years. I would ever think to give you another chance.”

“I fell for your lies again, and now I’m not anymore.”

“I was nothing to you. I was only a toy for you to manipulate and I fell for it.”

“Why wouldn’t you admit to everything! This was all your fault.”

“I hate you.”

“I despise you.”

“You were my ride or die.”

“I don’t fall in love. I don’t want to be loved or love someone else.”

“If I leave you know you would never see me again.”

“I deserve better.”

“You were my first and would be my last.”

“Don’t – Don’t make me fall in love again.”

“You know we can’t..”

“I know this is random and we haven’t talked in awhile.. But can you stay with me one more night and just forget about everything.”

“It was indeed. The wrong place the wrong time”

“Good for you!”

“Why can’t you be happy for me for once?”

“We shouldn’t be together anymore. I’m supposed to hate you.”

“How could I be so oblivious..”

“Why did I even think I could be enough for you.”

“I needed to hold you once more.”

“I don’t understand.. Wha- what are you saying..”

“I don’t want to say something I’ll regret later.”

“Don’t bother to call me when you need something later.”

“I didn’t mean to. I was just mad..”

“Please forgive me.”

“Why are you suddenly coming back into my life after I just started to do good.”

“Do you not understand the words ‘I’m done’.”

“Haha! You think I love you? That’s pathetic.”

FICS/STORY IDEAS

Here’s some storyline ideas. You can decide if you want it angst or fluff or whatever! I don’t mind if you take this ideas. You don’t need to credit just a tag, so I could read it! Would be great!

All the promises were already broken. 

Just one more night with no feelings, nothing. After that we forget.

Reader finds out their relationship was nothing, but a lie.

He wanted her back. She moved on. 

Even after breaking up. They still find ways back to each other.

He manipulated her and she fell for it.

They are toxic for each other. But always end up in bed with each other.

He wanted her back but she isn’t giving him another chance.

He left her and she still wanted him back.

They were never meant to be and they knew that. They just can’t let each other go.

She just wanted to be enough for him, but he didn’t care.

He cheated and she found out. Now he realized he can’t live without her.

He didn’t deserve her. But her love for him is stronger.

They thought they had something. But then decided it was best if they stopped seeing each other.

She always forgave him, but this time she didn’t.

How could you be in love with someone who is always mad at you. She knew it was best if she just left. But after everything they've been through it wasn’t going to be easy.

She couldn’t love him as much as she wanted to. It was forbidden to sleep with someone you worked for. But she couldn’t help but ignore the rule.

He was such a fool for letting her into his life. But maybe it was the best thing to happen to him.

They broke up, but they can’t live without each other.

Their relationship was fragments of the past, but deep down their love was still stronger than ever. What happens when they meet again?

She thought things were going amazing. Well she thought wrong.

He got what he wanted and he was happy. Meanwhile she was still broken and miserable.

Their relationship was amazing at the start. But over time the person that she fell in love with wasn’t the same.

After years of talking. They decided it was best if they stopped. Maybe it actually didn’t stop in the end.

He didn’t listen and thought everything was fine. She knew everything wasn’t fine and just wanted him to listen.

She despised him. He was arrogant and only cared about himself. That was until he gave her a ride home.

She didn’t want to fall in love with him again until his touch made her do the one thing she didn’t want to do ‘fall in love again’.

They stopped talking, but he called her wanting just one more night to forget about everything.

No denying they loved each other. But this was their third breakup. It was just best if she left for good.

He was her first love and would be her last. (either she could meet someone else or something!)

He didn't care about any girls and most importantly. He didn’t fall in love. That was until he saw her and his whole life changed.

She knew he was pretending and she wasn’t falling for it.

After years of dating they finally said the 3 words. ‘I love you’

Maybe being snowed in wasn’t so bad after all.

He didn’t seem to understand the words ‘I’m done.’ If they were done, why was she in his bed again.

After years of apologizing. Apology accepted.

After she said don’t ‘bother calling when you need something’. Turns out it was her in the end calling for something.

Maybe jealousy is something that can reunite the flame that was lost.

He was jealous and she didn’t care.

She didn’t trust him. Until one night when drinks got the best of her, and waking up on his couch realized how wrong she was.

She thought he didn’t love her. Until he showed her how much he did.

He didn’t understand that she was breaking up with him. She wanted so badly to say no. But her desires got the best of her.

[bossmanvalentino]

@infernalight asked:

Angel was tired of it. Tired of Valentino acting like he owned him even when he wasn't at the studio. He had turned his phone off, ignoring Valentino's calls and texts, spending the day shopping with Cherri. After dropping everything off at the hotel, he turned his phone back on to even more texts from Val. Though one text in particular caught his attention. He wasn't just threatening him, he was threatening his friends. He really knew how to get him to do whatever he wanted, didn't he?

Sighing, he pushed himself up off the couch he had fallen into as soon as he got home. Slowly, he dragged himself out of the hotel once more and down to the porn studio and as soon as he arrived, he found Valentino, anger burning up inside of him.

"Who the FUCK do you think you are, Val?" He asked through gritted teeth. "I'm off the clock, remember? I worked all night for the day off. You agreed to that so who gave you the right to threaten my friends because I took the day to myself?" Words dripping with venom as he stood his ground against his boss, knowing he was only making things words for himself. Though, if it meant Val would leave his friends alone... he'd take whatever Val wanted to throw at him.

Valentino could say he was obsessed, not that he would admit it. He was obsessed with his little pornstar. He owned him. He was his, and he hated the fact that he now had a life outside of him. Oh, how he wished he never made a flaw with that contract. Otherwise, he would be under his control 24/7.

Of course, this didn't stop Valentino. He needed to know where his little whore was all the time and he hated not knowing. Of course, he could have easily asked Vox to find him on all the cameras and what he had around the city, but Vox and him had another fight and he wasn't about to go ask a favour especially when it was about Angel.

Valentino ended up breaking his phone after the hundredth text went unanswered. Val knew he probably went overboard with the threats but he needed to gain Angel's attention.

He was the middle of shooting with some of his lesser known pornstars when Angel burst in, causing everyone to stop what they were doing . The moth Overlord pushed himself up when his star began mouthing off to him in front of everyone.

His eyes narrowed as he yelled and everyone to get back to work. He stared down at the spider, reaching out and grabbing his arms before dragging him into his dressing room, pushing him in before slamming the door behind him.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Valentino said using his words against him. "You think you can come into my studio and mouth me off? Who owns you Angel? I don't give a fuck if you think you can get away from me because you can't, you will always come back to me because you are mine Angelito. You belong to me. Do I need I need to remind you of this?"

He regrabbed his arms and pushed him over to the couch and throwing him onto it. "Strip." He commanded.

[angel-shaw]

First draft of my Magnus Archive Fic!

This is the first “chapter” of my first TMA fic:) I am still working on it and I haven’t edited this at all yet but I really want some input and praise:3

I started this fic off of a dream that my TMA obsessed bf begged me to wright. I haven’t reached the main part that I am super excited about yet so expect more! For those who read this let me know if I should post this as a multi chapter fic and post this rn to Ao3 or if I should wait till I am done with it:)

Summary - Tim and John are trapped in a concrete room inside the Achrives, Nether knows what happened or how to get out so they have no choice but to sit in their together. (Takes place after season 1 and definitely before season 3, might make it so Sasha is fine because I can )

Currently at 8016 words:)

Tw: being trapped, paranoia, etc kinda stuff (lemme know if more needs to be tagged :). )

“Tim,” John said, shaking his counterpart.

“Tim you need to wake up, food is ready and you need to eat it hot.”

Underneath several thick blankets John heard heard tim mumble something along the lines of

‘I’m cold, fuck off.’

John sighed.

“I know your cold Tim but the warm food will help with that, please i don't want to fight you on this every time.”

The blankets shuffled quickly and John flinched back as Tim pulled the blankets down from his, very tired looking, face.

“Then don't! Leave me be! Why do you even care John? It's not like anything can be done about this so why not do what you've always done and either leave me alone or go speculate about whether or not I'm some possessed version of myself who will randomly decide to try and kill you for some obscure reason only you understand in a corner?!”

John stood frozen for a few seconds as Tim glared at him. When Tim started to shiver despite the blankets it snapped John out of his stupor. Instead of responding he instead held a hot bowl of soup out for Tim to take.

“This should help,” John whispered as Tim frowned.

It took a minute but Tim shifted to prop himself against the wall and took the bowl.

John took his own bowl and sat a little ways away from Tim as they both ate in silence.

This was their routine, minus Tims outburst normally. For the last 2 weeks Tim and John have been trapped in this room. It reminded John of the archival room without the shelves and boxes of statements. A stone room with no windows and only one door. John couldn't even remember how he and Tim had gotten there. He couldn't explain why they were stuck in there and even less of a clue where the food and resources came from. It felt like some kind of thing fucking with them. Giving them what they need to survive but not to get out.

At first he and Tim argued a lot, both scared and confused. Johns added paranoia didn't help that ether and seeing as how they were stuck together now 24/7 they had plenty of time to fight. That was until Tim started to get sick, it was so easy for John to notice the change. Tim started to shiver, at times John could even hear his teeth chattering. He stopped moving around the room and just stayed curled up under his blanket. One night John had waited till Tim had fallen asleep and threw his own blanket on top of Tims shivering form. The days following John had asked Tim if he was alright but was met with hostility. And that's how it had been the past week and a half. When Tim stopped eating John took it upon himself to make sure Tim had food to eat. He noticed when he ate Tim stopped shivering for a time so he made sure there was almost always a hot food for Tim to have when he started to violently shiver.

John and Tim rarely talked because it seemed it could only lead to another fight. So the silence the two fell into well eating no longer felt awkward.

When Tim placed his bowl down onto the stone floor he immediately withdrew into the two blankets.

“Do you want more?”

A muffled mumble.

Because John couldn't hear him he decided to move closer. He scooted up to the blanket and leaned down.

“What was that?’’

The entire blanket flinched and before he knew it a flash a pain shot through his nose. John flinched back and cried out, bringing his hands up to his face.

John's eyes were shut tight and he could feel the tears welling up behind his eyelids. He was too preoccupied feeling a hot wet liquid start to run down his hands and wrists to notice Tim and sat up and threw the blankets off of himself.

“Oh holy shit! John, I didn't realize you got so close. What the hell where you doing?! Shit are you ok? Oh holy fuck thats alot of blood. Shit shit SHIT! Here uhh just, just stay here. I'll go and find something, oh fucking hell theres so much blood’” Tims rant could barely be heard by John who was still sitting in shock and pain.

A few seconds later John felt Tims strong hands envelope his own, distantly he could hear Tims voice. It sounded…calmer than usual? No, not calmer… nicer.

“John come on, lemme see.”

John could feel his head shake, there weren't any real thoughts going through his mind really so he didn't know why.

“Hey come on, I kinda know how to fix it….a little…I won't make it worse at least.”

John felt his head shake harder. He really needed to stop doing that. It made his head hurt and him feel dizzy.

“Come on John, please let me help.”

Finally John let Tim pull his hands down, his eyes still shut tight and still in an immense amount of pain.

“Shit…Ok here,” Tim's voice was quiet as he started wiping around the nose, clearing some of the blood before holding it to John's face firmly.

“See that's not too bad right? We got this…no problem.”

Tim took a deep breath, “Ok John can you hear me?”

Again John could distantly feel himself nod, nothing felt real.

“Good, good. Ok so this next bit is gonna sting like a bitch right? It will be over quick though ok? Can I?”

Another nod, what was he even agreeing to?

And then the grasp on the cloth over his nose became much firmer before there was a loud crack and a fresh wave of pain with an overwhelming nausea flowing through him.

“Fuck!”

He could hear a lot clearer now, so much so that he could hear the hiss of Tim sucking air through his teeth.

“See,” Tim meekly tried, “Wasn't too bad ay?”

John finally opened his eyes, he could still feel how wet they were and to his displeasure he could feel that wetness stream down his face. Tim was still sat in front of him holding his nose with a weird look on his face.

It was a look John couldn't quite place, he had never been the best at reading people. Somehow always coming to the seemingly worst concussion possible.

“You ok John?”

Tims voice was quite soft, it was something John had noticed. Whenever Tim spoke to others, others like the random people who visited the archive or the food attendees at the outings he was forced to go on. He would question why talking to Tim made those people feel better, or at least good judging by their smiles. Now that that softness was directed at him he understood why those peoples smiles got bigger. He wanted Tim to keep talking to him like that.

“John?”

John looked up at Tim, still in shock from Tim REBREAKING HIS NOSE.

“Did you just break my nose..?”

Tim shifted uncomfortably, “Ya I'm sorry, I had to set it so it won't heal wrong…”

“That really hurt, like a lot….It still really hurts”

“Here just hold the cloth to it for now and the bleeding should stop soon, plus the pressure might help with the pain. It's what i did when i broke my nose”

John stared at Tim increadisully but talking moved his nose and made it hurt more so he decided to stay quiet.

Until he looked down and saw how much blood there was everywhere.

—----------

Tim watched as he saw John's breathing get faster, his eyes were huge as he looked at his hands and arms. The blood was still wet and dripping down his arms to the stone floor.

“John?”

No response from him, John didn't even look up at him.

“Jonathan, man are you ok?”

Again, no response. Faster breathing, it was starting to freak Tim out. Was John having a panic attack? Sure Tim had seen plenty, hell just working at the Archive meant a lot of people who were giving statements had a lot of them. John though, he was always so…well not really confident but he held himself in a way that made him seem untouchable.

Tim had seen him with his paranoia but it was never like this, he was always looking for a way to fix whatever he was paranoid about, even if he was bluntly wrong and being stupid. This…this was so different. John was panicking, worse than the panic Tim had seen during the Worm incident. Why was a broken nose worse than a worm burrowing itself into his skin?????

“John!”

Nothing.

“John, look at me.”

Tim was still holding the cloth, John had never reached his hands back up to take it himself. He was too busy…working himself into a panic attack???

Tim used that to his advantage, he tilted John's head up until his eyes shot to him.

“It's ok, you're ok. Nothing really happened right? You're all good. The pain will go away soon, you just need to breathe.”

John shook his head and looked back down at his hands.

“Is…is it the blood freaking you out?”

John didn't reply but as Tim contoured to follow his eyes he was pretty sure he was right.

“Shit ok, umm here, John.. John!”

John startled to look back up at Tim, he really did look panicked. Shit….

“Look John, just close your eyes ok? I'll take care of it. Come on, just close them. I'm not going anywhere…it's not like i can really, But I swear i'll take care of it”

John finally squeezed his eyes shut again, his breathing was still way too fast but it seemed like he was trying to calm that down so that was good.

Tim wasn't quite sure what to do after that. Now that he knew what the major problem was he should try to fix it right? But he was still holding on to John's nose so he couldn't go to the sink to get anything to help so what the hell was he going to do?

It was really cold out from his blankets, not as cold as before but still. He might fight John on it but the warm food really did help. John was so confusing, one day he was acting like Tim would snap and go on a random killing spree and now he was…trying to help him? It didn't make any sense.

Then Tim had an idea.

“Hey John, can you stand up?”

John nodded his head slowly.

“Ok good, well I need you to stand, I'll be right here k? You don't have to open your eyes, i'll lead you where we need to go.”

John nodded again. It took another moment for John to try to start standing, he almost fell and grabbed onto tims arms to stabilize himself.

Shit he has a weak ass grip-

“Hay it's alright,” Tim said quietly, “You can hold onto me.”

John's hands somehow ended up on Tims side as he stood, the two of them stood there letting balance be regained before struggling to move around the room.

—-----------

It was hard to stay standing with his legs shaking but he could feel Tims free hand helping to hold him up as they shuffled somewhere.

Where were they going? It couldn't be far of course, the two had stuck in this one room for what felt like so long now. Unless Tim had been lying and he had known a way out this entire time. What if all this was a plan?

No he was being unreasonable, he knew Tim. Tim wouldn't.

Before he could think anymore on it he heard tims muffled voice again.

“Ok I'm gonna lean you again here kk? Just lean here and I'll clean you up.”

John just nodded again.

See? He thought to himself. Tims good, Tim wouldn't lie like that. As prickly as he had been he hadn't done anything wrong and he was stuck here too.

Jonathan had always struggled with paranoia, he always needed someone or something to blame for everything. Even if it was himself that at least gave it a reason to happen, it gave an explanation he could wrap his head around. But when something he didn't understand or explain happened he always tried to reasonably put the blame onto someone. That someone just tends to be who else was with him. Even hard evidence against his accusation did little to rest his mind.

It had gotten worse over the years, working at the institute had started to help. Sure the stuff he knew was real was terrifying and he wished it were not, hense his dismissal of the cases, but they gave explanations. It gave him an odd sense of calm, knowing that. But the second something happened that he couldn't explain, something that just possibly could have been one of his coworkers, he fell deep into a rabbit hole of mistrust and dishonesty. His pariona got so bad, he knew it affected his coworkers in negative ways, because they told him. Tim expressly got fed up with his actions.

In the time Tim and himself had been stuck John had started to try and think his way through his paranoia. That was hard when his tactic was to blame something and the only thing he could think of at first was the one he was trapped with. But eventually he noticed his parinona of Tim go down. It really started when he noticed how sick Tim had gotten. It sprung something in his mouse brain that it just couldn't be Tims fault, Tim was sick and needed help. It started to override his paranoia.

At least of Tim. Everything else though was fair game. The vent? Something was in it. The wall? More worms.

There were multiple nights where John stayed up and checked every coroner of the room for something, anything. But night after night he found nothing.

Now everytime he had some paranoid thought about Tim it seemed so much easier to work through it. It was a nice change, being able to work through it.

And now Tim was running warm water and slowly wiping John's own blood off of him. Honestly John was surprised Tim didn't just leave him sitting there on the floor in his own panic bubble. But distantly, he knew Tim wouldn't do that, couldn't. Tim was so kind, even when they yelled at each other Tims concern for John seemed so obvious. Though the anger and everything, it was still clear Tim was worried about John. Just like he was worried for everyone else.

John could feel the warm cloth down his arm, it was soothing. Tim was still holding his nose, it must have been getting annoying.

So John lifted the arm Tim wasn't currently working on and tried to take the cloth himself. His eyes were still closed but he could swear he heard Tim jump when his hand touched his.

“ i can hold it..,’’ John said quietly. It felt like talking too loudly would break whatever was happening right now. And John didn't want that.

—------------

Tim was in fact shocked when John's hand grabbed his own, he was so focused on trying to get the blood off with only one hand that it caught him off guard.

But he let John hold up the cloth and was finally able to use both hands. John's breathing had evened out a lot, Tim hadn't noticed at first but as he worked he could feel John taking long deep breaths. It was the first time Tim had actually seen John even try to self regulate.

That was one thing about John that pissed Tim off, it always seemed as though he just let his pariona dictate everything. He never even seemed to try and reason anything, just letting the fear take over and start running everything. It was good to know John COULD chill himself out a bit.

Tim continued to wash John’s arm off before rinsing the cloth and continuing. There really was a lot of blood, it was suppressing John hadn't fainted or something. Sure when he stood he was wobbly as all hell but being dizzy was expected.

The two of them stood in silence for a while, Tim at one point lifting John's free hand up to hold the cloth so he could clean the other but it was a comfortable silence.

John's eyes, despite still being closed, looked much more relaxed than just a few minutes prior. Granted the dark circles that came with a broken nose were starting to show, Tim frowned at that even after his nose had healed those bruises would probilly stay there for quite a while. Tim thought about it for a second longer, overall they weren't too much different from John's massive eyebags he had all the time. Given the nights Tim knew he had been staying up just walking around the room muttering to himself.

That was another thing about John Tim noticed, he talked to himself a lot. Not in a creepy way like in movies, ok well sometimes, but mostly it felt like he was just trying to think. Like just saying his thought process out to make sure it sounded right. There was once he had heard one of John's tangests when he thought he alone and John had said something, stopped and said “well that didn't make sense” it was quite funny. Probably would have been funnier if Tim hadn't been so upset with him at the time.

Only when John's arms were clean did Tim break the silence.

“Here John, your arms are clean. Lemme see if the bleeding stopped.”

John still didn't say anything, just wincing as Tim pulled the bloody rag away from his face.

Tim winced, “Ya…no keep that there im gonna get some toilet paper.”

As he walked away Tim heard John mutter something under his breath so he wheeled himself around on his heel. He felt himself getting angry, he was trying to help him and John was still making comments and shit?? God this was why he stopped respecting him, all his damn paranoia and bullshit.

“What.” It wasn't really a question, whatever John’s answer he wasn’t going to like it. So technically it could be considered a trap.

John of course didn’t notice the massive shift in Tims face as his eyes were closed, but he did hear the change in his voice.

“Thank you, I said, this hurts, a surprising amount actually. I don’t think I’d know what to do if you weren’t helping me….so thank you”

For once, for once in the entire damn time Tim had known him, John said something right.

Tim immediately felt stupid for getting mad so quickly. He might not understand what the hell John’s switch up was about but it pissed him off.

“Right.”

Even if he was wrong he was still annoyed, none of this made sense, if anything John suddenly tried to help him or whatever this upset him more. Hell the only reason he was helping him right now was because he panicked once he heard the crack of John’s nose.

—-------------

John held his nose until Tims bigger hands pulled his own away. Quickly John felt the wads of toilet paper touch him as Tim tried to shove them up his still bleeding nose.

As it stood, his nose still hurt like hell evidently. So John flinched hard, abruptly pulling back from Tim. Even more unfortunately, the sink he was leaning most of his weight on was not big. So when he flipped back he had thrown his weight into….well nothing.

All the shit people said about falling in slow motion, was in fact just that, shit. John didn't have any time to process he was even falling before he felt Tims arms wrap around his waist. John by all definition was a small man, he knew that, but when Tims arms were so solidly wrapped completely around his waist he /felt/ small.

“Shit! Fuck I'm sorry are you good? Well obviously not, fucking duh. Shit here, Im just gonna….uhh…I'm gonna get you over on the chair that way you don't rocket yourself on the floor ya?”

Johns face was burning again, strangely not just around his nose, but it must have been from irritating it. He made and tried to help make it at least not a struggle to move him, which was hard considering his legs were not planted on the ground, tangled between Tims.

Somehow Tim was able to move him without ended with both of them on the floor. John's only real thought during the short journey was that Tim didn't radiate heat like most did, he wasn't cold per say but he missed the warmth someone would expect.

“Damn you're warm, you know that?”

“Hmm?”

John was pulled from his thought by Tims comment’ “I think you’re just cold”

Tim sat John down on the wooden chair.

Tim rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, “ nah I think it's you”

John hadn't realized it but he had finally opened his eyes. His own arms weren't covered in blood thanks to Tim. Tims arms however were not so clean. He had been trying to help John stop freaking out and gotten blood, John's blood, all over him.

“Oh shit! Right, you're still bleeding; give me a sec!”

John honestly hadn't noticed his nose still leaking blood down his face until Tim reminded him, he lifted his hand to catch the blood but before his could Tim was back and stopping him.

“Put your damn hand down. I just cleaned your amsnup I don't need you fucking that up already. Ok it looks like I set it ok so it should be good.”

“Ya did hurt a lot by the way”

“Ya I know, I'm sorry. I mean if you would have rather it healed in the wrong place we could have left it but I figured if I just did it then…” Tim trialed off, he had an odd look on his face.

“ No no,that was uh fine. It hurt though. How did you know to do that? I figure it's not something you just picked up from tv….at least I hope not.” John tried to joke, but he really really hoped that Tim didn't just do that just because of a bad tv show.

“Haha ya, I umm, I broke my nose quite a lot as a kid so I learned how to handle it. If I'm being honest I did originally try it because of the show…it was a really bad cop sitcom that I watched all time.”

“You watched sitcoms?” It genuinely caught John off guard, he expected Tim to watch a bunch of horror or something like that.

“There a problem with that?”

“No no of course not, I just… didn't expect it”

—------------------

As they talked Tim noticed that it seemed to draw Johns attention away from his injury. Would he normally talk about stuff like this to him? No of course not, hell if he tried John probably would have had a paranoid delusion about it or something and accuse Tim of being a clone or some shit like that.

But if tim helped keep him calm, and he wasn't going to freak out over it, fine.

He started to clean Johns face as he talked. He tilted John's face back and actually managed to get the paper in his nose without a mass spasm this time.

“Ya, normally it's not my kind of thing but I watched it a lot when I was younger. The….uh..guys I hung out with could tolerate it and it didn't make me cry so it was always on. Heh, I love the show. It's actually pretty funny, not accurate but I get enough action with cops nowadays that I don't need accuracy about ‘em” Tim laughed.

He could see John's smile, Tim distantly thought it would be better without all the blood.

“That's…nice. ,my grandmother wished I would get into a show. It could never keep my attention for long. I was better with books.”

This was weird, this entire thing was weird. John being civil and…nice. The two of them talking casually about things Tim had never told anyone. It wasn't like Tim was telling John everything that was part of it but John now knew more than anyone else and it was so casual. The two of them had been stuck in this place for what, 2 weeks now? And now here the two of them were, talking after Tim had broken his nose.

“Never had the time to read books, I uh, got busy alot so shows where a lot easier you know?”

“That's fair enough.”

Tim finished cleaning John's face and backed up,” there you go, you gonna have raccoon eyes for a while.”

John's head tilted to the side, holy shit he looked like a….a confused puppy.

“Racoon eyes?”

Tim laughed, he couldn't help it, “ ya when you brake your nose for the first time you get bruised around your eyes and they look like the face of a raccoon. It hurts but it looks cool once they heals a bit. I probably still have a picture of me with ‘em somewhere actually.”

John already had the circles forming around his eyes, they were gonna get a lot darker in the next few hours but they should clear up pretty quick.

“I see, well thank you for telling me. I'm sure it would have been quite a nasty shock to see that in the mirror with no warning.”

“Ooooooh ya” Tim laughed’ “ the first time it happened to me the guy who broke my nose had to burst into the bathroom to see why I was sobbing after I saw, God that was a daaaay. Hurt like a bitch.”

Tim saw Johns frown, he obviously saw the problem in Tims word and for a second Tim really thought he was going to ask and he would have to shut the entire conversation down because he fucked it up.

But instead John just kept it going, “ Well I'll try to keep my shock to a minimum to not startle you then.”

Tim smiled.

—------------

John saw the change in Tims demeanor when he had said that, if there was one thing John was good at t was avoiding conversations. Sure he was curious and a little worried but it wasn't any of his business. It was Tims life and childhood, whatever had happened he was fine now so there wasn't any need to push it.

It was then when John saw the blood on Tims shirt. It made Johns chest tighten, that was one of Tims favort shirts, and quite frankly one of the only peaces of clothing's he hadn't the moment well trapped in the room.

“Oh Tim your shirt…”

Tim looked down, apparently also having forgotten he was covered in Johns blood.

“Damn it! Oh fuck that sucks. I don't think I have another shirt clean…”

John had been cleaning what he could and for some reason it seemed that the cloths they put in the laundry basket occasionally got cleaned but it seemed to be at random times and if Tim said he didn't have another he didn't.

“Damn…I liked this shirt to. Ya think I’ll be able to get the blood out?”

Tim was back to rubbing his neck, like it was a nervous habit or something. Most of the blood has dried and because Tim’s shirt was a relatively light color there was little hope for it.

So John shook his head, “I think you got it on your neck…”

“Hmm? How the hell would I have gotten it on my neck??….oh..”

Tim pulled his hand from the back of his neck, and stared at it.

“Fuck.”

“You say that a lot.”

Tim’s eyes snapped back to him. Oh that was the wrong thing to say.

“Ya I do. Ya I fucking do John. You know why? Beacuse for the past two week I’ve been stuck in a freezing fucking room with my boss who suddenly 180ed how he’s acting and that’s fucking confusing. I’m cold all the time and every night I hear you walking around the room muttering to yourself about whatever the fuck you are, you have been insisting on feeding me and ahit when you never cared before. Hell apparently you wanted to feed me so fucking bad I broke your fucking nose and now I’m standing out in the cold open air well cleaning you up and now I have my only shirt covered in blood. I think I’m allowed to swear when all this shit keeps happening,” Tim took a deep breath breath

John was frozen in shock from Tims outburst. Sadly he wasn't done.

“No and you know what John? I have tried so fucking hard to bond with throughout my years working with you and all I was met with was a complete wall and hell later I was met with worse then a wall! All I got from you was distrust and a fucking staucker! We worked together for how many years before you became the head Archivest and you still thought I was some fucking monster! You took pictures of my house and I still was trying to give you grace but at every turn you just proved it was useless. What changed? Why the hell are you trying to be so fucking nice to me now?? I'd love to know!”

John sat silently staring up up at who had began rubbing his arms well pacing. He had no idea what to say, he knew after everything he hadn't treated Tim, or any of his staff really, well. Much less the respect they deserved. Tim had gone though the exact thing John had just with the extra stress of having to run through the tunnels alone. And still John treated him as a threat, he knew Tim and still was so cruel.

Tim had every right to be angry, to be hurt. And after everything he deserved to question John.

“I….I'm sorry Tim. For everything,” before he could continue Tim turned on him again.

“Your /sorry/?! Your sorry that you completely disregarded everyone and pushed all of us to our wits ends. Your sorry for all the nights where we tried to stay late to help you with whatever you thought was going on? The multiple accusations you threw around without a second thought? Your sorry? Are you fucking kidding me John!”

John flinched and looked away from Tim. All the softness and concern drained from his voice and expression.

“Yes…I'm sorry. I…nothing I say will fix it…I was to deep in my own parking and could never stop to think about you all,” John whispered.

He heard Tim scoff but he stayed quite.

“I…thank you for trying so hard Tim…I didn't..don't, deserve any kindness your understanding from you. I know before this all I was not the best ether, I'm sorry for that as well. I can't tell you what changed..I don't even remember when it did. Just after we got locked in here….I was able to stop thinking about you like that. It seems so obvious now that you couldn't, wouldn't have done anything, especially not this. You wouldn't lock me in a room with you, you wouldn't let yourself get sick…you stuck in here too. I saw how you got sick, the least I could do after everything was at least try to help..”

—-------

Tim let his arms drop. He had screamed at John and instead of fighting him, John was apologizing.

He looked so…sad? Remorseful? Guilty?

Good.

He should feel bad, after all the shit he put Tim through.

As John sat there Tim could feel all his anger leave him,it was like a weight off his chest. Without the weight he felt empty, like he had nothing to keep him going. To keep him standing.

God it was cold.

So Tim sat. He looked up at John whose head shot up when he heard something hit the ground. Damn it, he really was worried about him.

He sighed.

“Keep talking,” Tim said as he pulled his knees to his chest and rested his head on them.

“W-what?”

“Just keep talking, I'm…I can't be mad any more John, I'm too tired right now. Anything you want to tell me, tell me now. The quiet is too loud.”

Tim stared at the wall. It hadn't changed at all, still a plain, windowless, slab of cold concrete. He could hear John's breath.

“Right then. I suppose I can do that. When do you want me to start?”

Tims mouth was covered in the curled up position so even to him his words were muffled.

“Don't care”

He cared a little bit, even if he didn't have the energy to be angry he still wanted to know. Granted what John already said was more then he had ever expected to hear. He wanted more, apparently John was going to give it so he would take what he gave.

“Right. Well, you know this part already, after Martin found Gertrude's body I spiraled into a panic trying to figure out what happened. I'm still convinced that someone, or at least something killed her…but I was so far in the panic everyone seemed suspicious, no matter how much evidence I had. I needed something to blame, a reason that wasn't just some random thing killing her in a way she had no chance of stopping. I…I felt I needed to know so I could stop it happening to me. You all were the people closest so I…I blamed you. Even if it didn't make sense.”

Tim knew that, it was obvious to everyone honestly. Everyone except John himself of course, Tim supposed it was good for John to finally realize it to.

“If I'm being honest….I wanted it to be one of you so I could prove to myself that I can't trust people. But..I know it wasn't, you all, you all are good. I don't know how to approach any of you, even before all this. I'm so distant from everyone because I believed everyone was just…plotting. A Lot of the times I was right but I wasn't with you all. You all were genuinely trying to be kind to me and I refused to meet you. I'm sorry again.”

Tim hummed. He understood that train of thought, that everyone was bad and out for themselves. Hell he thought that for the longest time too, it was the only thing that kept him alive for years. He didn't notice when he stopped thinking that, was it when he found the Institute? Meeting Sasha or Martin maybe? He couldn't be sure.

Thankfully John continued after a brief pause. Tim heard the deep breaths he was taking.

“When we first got stuck in here I was still going down my rabbit hole, I don't know when I first was able to stop and think properly again. I think it was when you stopped pacing around the room, strted to hide in the blankets. I knew something was wrong and it….flipped a switch and suddenly I was just able to…trust you.”

Tim lifted his lead and looked at John, who was looking anywhere but him.

“You..you trust me?”

Silence.

Tim thought he was going to backtrack or ignore him but,

“Yes. I trust you Tim”

John finally looked at Tim.

The bruises around John's eyes were starting to darken and Tim couldn't help but start to laugh.

After everything, after Prentiss and all the fucking worms, the servalance tapes, everything. This is what got John to trust him. He decked John in the face not even an hour ago and now he was flat out saying he trusted him!

He could see the confusion on John's face but as his eye crinkled so did the starting bruises and it just looked so ...so funny on John. John who was always so serious and methodical and paranoid looked like he had a painted on bandits mask.

Tims laughter dubbed and he ended up laying back on the hard floor. John to his credit stayed quite as Tim laughed, just as he didn't when he yelled. But that didn't make it any less funny.

“Holy hell John,” Tim barely breathed out between bursts of laughter.

“You, you make no sense!”

—-----------------

Tim was still having with laughter as John processed what was going on.

He had no idea why Tim was laughing. Just a few minutes ago he was angry and yelling but now? Right after John told him he trusted him..did he think John was lying?

If he were less worried about Tims sudden for of laughter he would have given himself the moment to just enjoy the sounds. Later that night he would think about it and realize it was the first time he really heard Tim laugh. Not just he chuckles and short huffs, a real laugh.

When Tim finally called down he stayed laying on the floor. His breathing was loud and felt exaggerated but John didn't say anything.

“You know John, you have the strangest mind.”

More beats of silence

“Do…do you really trust me or are you just fucking with me John?”

Finally John was able to say /something/.

“ When have I ever “fucked with you”? I am of course I do trust you I wouldn't just say that…”

Tim chuckled again, “ it's just odd John, I was so angry at you a bit ago but now, now I just ... .God I don't know.”

John sat there confused and frankly a little concerned.

The both of the sat there, John could feel the tissue in his nose collecting blood and it was weird.

“Hay John…”

John looked at Tim immediately.

“Yes?”

“You're a real prick, you know that?”

Although he was insulting him Tims voice didn't have any anger in it anymore, not as far John could tell. Then again John was shit at telling somehow knew. Not John.

“I..yes I am aware.”

Tim groaned

“ God you sound like one too! Seriously you need to lighten the fuck up and learn how to talk without sounding like a English teacher.”

“I think the way I talk is just fine,” John said defensively. His arms crossed over his chest.

“No, no you really do. I swear you give me flashbacks of falling asleep in 10th grade English. It's crazy,” Tim was still laying on the floor and while John couldn't see it, was smiling.

“Well perhaps the reason you think it's odd is because you were napping while being taught proper language.”

“Na, you're just weird. Also no one just says ‘perhaps’ John. Nobody.”

Tim finally sat back up. He leaned back on his hands and looked at John. He sighed.

“I'm sorry John.”

What? What could you be apologizing for? I-”

“Cuz I just started fuckin yelling at you man. You didn't even do anything and I just blew off on you,” John was about to interrupt but Tim held up his hand.

“I mean I had every right, have, for that matter, to be angry but I just blew up on you when you were probably just trying to mess with me. Fuck I broke your nose and then cleaned you up and then yelled at you! Here I am going on about mixed signals and doing it myself! It wasn't fair. I'm sorry.”

“Um, thank you?”

“Was that a question?”

“I…No?”

“Why are you just asking questions? I'm trying be sincere here man.”

“I know I just, I don't know what to do. I, I am not used to being apologized to..”

“Martin says sorry to you all the time?????”

“Well, ya, but that's ,Martin. He apologizes for everything, even when he's done nothing wrong.”

Tim agreed and laughed a little.

“I suppose that's true. But ya John, I should've, I should've handled it better. Especially cuz I just broke your nose well you were trying to do something nice to me.”

“I did catch you off guard. You can't be fully to blame.”

Tim laughed again. John felt himself smile. He didn't quite understand what was going on or how Tim reacted but he liked that he seemed calmer. He seemed calmed then he had been since the two of them had been trapped. John didn't want to ruin that. Tim deserved a moment of calm.

Then Tim had a full body shiver. It snapped John out of his semi-daze.

“Are you alright?”

“Fuck ya I'm fine,” Tim was rubbing his arms again.

It must have been a trick of the light but John could have sworn Tims lips where blue.

“I'm just a bit cold. Its fucking freezeing in here.”

“You should lay back down, maybe eat some more.”

“Oh shut it. I'm fine. It's just a bit cold. It's not like the floor is helping any though.”

John went to stand up, but when he did it felt like a rush of dizziness and nausea ran though his bones. He quickly sat back down. His eyes squeezed shut trying to stop the room from spinning around him.

“Oh shit, John.”

He felt Tims strong hand on his shoulder holding him up to prevent him was falling forward.

Strong hand? Why was he thinking that. It's just Tims hand.

“Hey, it's ok. Just breath, Itll go away soon.”

John nodded. He reached his hand up to hold Tim's arm he took deep breaths and slowly he could feel the world righting itself around him.

When he finally opened his eyes Tim was right in front of him kneeling on the floor. His arm reached him stabilizing John and the other rested on the chair, just shy of touching him.

Tims eyes were on his, the brown color piercing into Johns.

“You ok there John,” Tims said softly.

His voice was always so smooth, it never sounded bad. Tim was so close to him.

John nodded, he opened his mouth but when nothing came out he closed it again and looked away from Tims concerned eyes.

“You lost a shit ton of blood you know, you really should be more careful. You, of all people, should know about the dizziness man.”

“Right, I was just trying to-”

“Ether way man,” Tim interrupted “You can't be fucking stupid. Come on, I'll help you to lie down.”

“I can walk just fine on my own.”

John was trying but Tim had other plans. He slid his arm under johns and lifted him to his feet. John's head swam as he rose.

“Every time you have tried to walk in the past, however I've been out of my blankets you've almost fallen so I don't wanna hear it.”

Tim walked John over to his pile of blankets. Not Johns little spread but Tims own.

“And before you start bitching about this being my…. pile, I broke your nose and you lost a lot of blood, you need to stay warm. You can use my stuff tonight.”

As Tim sat John down he was able to catch up with what he was saying.

“What about you? I gave you all these because you've been shivering all night.”

“John….have you been watching me sleep.”

It didnt really sound like a question but John answered it anyway.

“Well it's not exactly hard to notice. I uh, I don't sleep a lot. I spend a lot of time trying to find something but I do….check on you occasionally. You shiver a lot so I have been giving you any new blankets that appear. I don't really need them.”

Tim stared at John. He could tell if he was angry or not, he looked almost passive. Well he wasn't holding John any more he could still almost feel a chill coming off of Tim. The little bit of his arms that were exposed were covered in goosebumps.

That's one thing John never understood about Tim, his style. He would wear a lot of more revealing clothes, nothing too scandalous during work but he seemed to be wearing it under his clothes.If John sent him to get information he always came back to the institute…wearing less then when he left. Right now, he was wearing one of his only long sleeves he currently had. The only problem was that his sleeves had holes at the shoulders. The shirt was designed like that. And it's not like it looked /bad/ on Tim, it just defeated the point of wearing long sleeves.

John realized he was staring at Tims shoulders and looked back up at Tims face. They both knew he was cold and before John could start to object Tim did something completely unexpected.

“Ugh fine. I don't want to hear a word from you about this. Got it? You did this yourself and the only reason I'm doing it is because your right about me being cold. Its fucking freezeing in here and it's crazy your not frozen to death with the week ass scratchy piece of cloth that we have been calling a blanket.”

Tim shifted to sit next to John and layed down.

“Well come on, I'm not going to sit with the cold air hitting me for much longer.”

John didn't say anything and lied next to Tim on the thick comforter he had pushed over the concrete floor to protect from the cold. Tim quickly pulled the other 4, yes 4, blankets over the two of them.

“There, now you can't complain.”

John nodded and watched as Tim curled his body so all of it was under the covers, even his head.

—————

Tim felt John shift around for a minute before finally laying still.

The blankets were big enough to cover both of them easily so it wasn’t like they were touching or anything but they were still quite close. He could feel John’s warmth under the blankets, his body heat being trapped in.

Tim had to admit it was really nice, the blankets helped but having John right next to him helped even more with the cold that continued to seep through him. He wished he could have John just fold around his body so he could soak up all his warmth. But that was asking way /way/ too much. He didn’t even ask about this, he just forced John to lay down somewhere that wasn’t on the freezing concrete.

He really did feel bad about snapping at John today. He felt justified in his anger but just because he was justified in it doesn’t mean it was appropriate. Over the past few days John really was just trying to help him, he kept insisting that he eat and he kept giving Tim his blankets.

It was really sweet when he stopped and thought about it, he could take a form of comfort in that. He also took a not so small comfort knowing John was right next to him. He could feel his warmth and feel the blankets shift as he did.

And even though Tim was always cold he usually held one tight against his chest. He just couldn’t sleep without holding something, when he was home he had a stupid stuffed animal that he would hold at night but here he didn’t. Any semblance of comfort Tim useily took part in was gone, for now and the foreseeable future. But he could at least have this for now, even if it was only for tonight.

Maybe he could convince John to sleep like this more. He thought as he curled even more into himself and tried to fall asleep.

That’s for what I thought would be a good chapter 1!

I do have more written and I am continuing to wright it:)

Should I start posting this to Ao3 now or should I wait?

I love feedback and suggestions!

If you want to be tagged when I post about this fic let me know and I’ll try! :)

Thank you so much for reading!

[abronzeagegod]

ETS WIP Chapter 16: End Script

[first]|[more]

As the last of the worms was killed and banished into their home plane, the last person that Lyta wanted to see was Ji.

"I was surprised you chose me of all people," the thin, but stupidly hot, Exterminator said.

"Yeah, well," Lyta said without thinking, she felt like she had to response and the filler words were the first thing she spoke into existence. She was still trying to reign back her anger, to keep it under control and not say something stupid or mean or callous. Now was not the time. She took a breath. "You're an asshole but you're still one of the best Exterminators we have so it wasn't really even a question. Besides I still know your employee ID number so it was easier for me to look you up."

Not entirely without anger, but sometimes it just is like that.

Ji shrugged. "Well, I never got to see you really fight like that so... if you ever want to transfer over to the Exterminators give me a call. We could go for a drink or something."

Lyta briefly caught Aeth's eye from across the hallowed field of servers and graveyard of worms and phones.

"I'm good where I'm at."

Aeth, meanwhile, was being interrogated, or rather very harshly questioned, by two members of the Catalog and Archive Bureau.

"You unleashed a god upon tech support," said the one that was not tall. "You stole an unrestrained small god that was supposed to be closely monitored and let it loose within one of the most complex systems in the world."

"Yes," Aeth said. "It was necessary."

"We will be the judges of that," said the one that was not short. "This is going to have ramifications."

Aeth nodded. "And letting the Abyss go unchecked would have been much worse. A thing that you were supposed to deal with, but were... indisposed."

Lyta had walked over by this point and cut off the agent that was about to speak, "Not to mention your Bureau is responsible for letting a sentient nightmare out that almost consumed my friend whole. So should you really be casting blame."

The one who was not tall sputtered a little bit before he answered. "We were not informed."

"Oh, funny that. You can go clean up the corpse of 3812-B in my friend's apartment. When you figured out how the thing that was supposed to be monitored 24/7 managed to get out, almost complete the goal for which it spawned, and you still didn't know about it, then we can discuss the ramifications of the thing that saved us all."

"You'll be hearing from us," the one that was not short said angrily.

"I'm sure we will," Lyta snapped back. "But until then fuck off back to the file cabinet."

Aeth heaved a sigh of relief as the agents stomped away. "Thanks. For everything."

Lyta smiled up at Aeth. A warm, but tired smile. "Any time. Can we get out of here? I need a shower, food, and probably a call to a repairman and my landlord to fix my apartment."

"Before you go," came a voice from one of the servers. Out of an unused port, came the representation of the new God of Tech Support.

"What can we do for you?" Aeth asked.

"I owe you two more than I can say," Sir Lance Corporal said. "I am now more than I ever was. I feel like I am myself and I have a purpose. I thank you humbly for your efforts in this event. I hope we shall work together again soon."

The pair just nodded.

Then, just in Aeth's mind, came the voice of the god, "Thank you for your faith, as well. It sustains me and gives me the strength to continue."

Aeth nodded and replied in prayer. "It was nothing. Easy to believe in something good. I'm sure Lyta feels the same."

There was a soft sound of a server next to Aeth that sounded almost like a chuckle.

"Lyta does not, and that is fine. She believes so much, in you. That is enough for me, I hope it is enough for you."

Aeth wasn't entirely sure how to respond.

"Go, get some rest you two. There will be work to be done when you return," the god of tech support said.

"Ok, thanks," Lyta said. She turned to Aeth. "I have an idea, it may be a dumb one, but it's all I've got right now. Let's get a hotel room, shower, give our clothes to the pros to clean, eat some room service while we hang out in fluffy robes, and then just... sleep."

"It sounds great."

"My apartment is probably covered in like three inches of snow melt."

"And I'm sure the Catalog people are combing over my place looking for 3812-B."

"Which will be easy to find, right?"

"I hope so."

As the pair walked off, somewhat hesitantly, Aeth put their arm around Lyta's shoulder. Lyta immediately warmed to the touch and moved closer to them.

Sir Lance Corporal made sure to tell the hotel to only offer them rooms with a single bed.

if you liked these maybe considering leaving me a tip on kofi

[oopsifuckedmylifeup]

I love my daughter I really do. But I also hate her. I know thats not something you should say as a parent but I can't handle her anymore. She pushes all of my buttons she takes all of my patients. She take away time I should give to my son. My son feels neglected because I have to deal with my daughter 24/7. He's acting out at school and he says it's because mom doesn't spend time with him. I want to spend time with him, I'd rather be spending time with him, but instead I'm giving all of my attention to my daughter.

She is sucking the life out of me. I've thought about adoption... its definitely crossed my mind. But I don't want my daughter to wonder why mommy doesn't want her. But the truth is... I don't. I don't want her anymore. I'm stuck with this child that will do anything to be bad.

My soul is tired. I'm tried everything. I've looked into respite care and heard nothing back.. I just want a fucking break. Parenting is already hard but parenting a child with ODD and ADHD plus a sleeping disorder is even harder.

What did I do to deserve this?! Why won't her POS father get off his phone and help me with her?! Thats the only reason his dumbass is even here.

My soul is tired. My body is tired. My mind is tired. I want to give up. I just want to end it all. End me. Finally be set free and rest.

I love my daughter but I resent her. I regret having her. I'm stuck with her.

I know this all sounds bad and I sound like a bad mom but I don't care at this point... I'm tired. I want it all to end.

Someone save me from this fucking nightmare I am living. There is no such thing as relaxation for me.

Her teachers asked me "Ashley what do you do for yourself?" I had no answer. I don't do anything for myself. I don't have time.

I wake up get the kids ready throw my hair in a bun get my son to the bus stop and get my daughter to school then I work a full time job after that job I come home feed the kids dinner make sure they took their meds bathe them put my son to bed and then fight my daughter to go to sleep for hours. By the time thats done I'm EXHAUSTED. There is no time for me to do anything for myself. Weekend are even harder. Following my daughter around just trying to keep her alive and out of trouble constantly.

I hate my life. I fucking hate it. How did I end up here?? I'm burnt out. There is nothing left of me. I'm a soulless burnt out corpse on auto pilot everyday.

I love my daughter. She is made from me. I grew her in my tummy. She is one of the reasons I'm still alive today.... but she is also one of the reasons I don't want to be alive today.

[silverbladexyz]

Hi there! Congratulations!!!

I'm sooo excited for the matchup ~

1: I'm an ISTP-A and a type 7w6/7w8 (I'm not sure-) I have trust issues, anger issues and abandonment issues (perfect childhood) I get along with two types of people 1: the calm, nice and patient people 2: those who have anger issues but are soft and cool inside, someone whose trust worthy and honest and never betrays me, is the best, and I like being random, not too random, but honestly, someone who knows when to be random and how fun and at the same time know when to plan something, is awesome, I like joking around and teasing people I love, but just sometimes, it's so sweet seeing them saying "alright alright, I'll forgive you, but this is the last time!(it's not). And I also can't connect with people who are always planning stuff, it's just not my thing and kinda makes me feel like I'm stuck in a time loop and then my brain just can't work well and I get tired pretty soon, I also would not like a buzzkill, and people who always lie and can't be trusted

2: I have read storm bringer and I absolutely loved albatross, iceman, verlaine and Adam (no need to mention the love of my life chuuya) and I have read the manga

3: I like writing, listening to music, drinking and playing my electric guitar / drums, painting, playing video games and fighting (I'm learning Kickboxing and ninjutsu since I was 10, it's a hobby now)

4: I'm okay with all of them

5: she/her

6: well I'm really good at poetry and writing, I'm also very independent and I can protect myself but I would love someone whose able to protect me if needed, I also love using my art to show my lover how much I love them

Thank you very much ✨

Hi! Enjoy your matchups!~

The images do not belong to me. They belong to their original owners.

Calculating...

Your sibling figure is... ALBATROSS!!!

-Chaotic brother-sister duo for the win

-Albatross loves how much you resemble Chuuya. Which means that he's going to be teasingly annoying with you, but he will also laugh with you and make everything much more funny

-He has unlimited energy. So he'll always be hyping you up with stories about his day, and there's never a dull moment when you're with him. Albatross likes how you also tease and joke about, because it makes him reciprocate it and brightens up everyone's day

-He's very interested in your hobbies! Most of the time, he would take out your earbud and listen to whatever song you were listening to, and probably throw in some statements to make you laugh. Make him a playlist; he'll listen to it 24/7 and will never get tired of it

-Teach him how to play the electric guitar and the drums! Albatross would love to learn the two instruments, because he’s always curious to new things. He would even compose songs or pieces for you when he has time

-Fighting? When Albatross heard that, he thought it was pretty cool. Definitely wants to spar with you, but he wins most of the time (he’s a mafioso soooo). He’ll even offer to teach you some fighting moves that have saved him quite a couple of times in the field

-Takes you to visit the Flags whenever you both have time. You’ll most likely end up playing billiards with them and drinking whisky, but sometimes you would have a chat with them as well. They lowkey ship you with Chuuya

-Albatross is pretty touchy as a brother figure. Expect hugs and headpats, but if you wanted space, he would give it to you. He likes how you’re quite independent, but he wouldn’t hesitate to come to your aid if you needed it

-He would also be the first one to see all of your poems and writing. Albatross would mostly give positive feedback, as well as lots of encouragement. He even tried writing a poem for you on your birthday

-MOTORCYCLE RIDES!!! Or just any rides in general. Albatross loves to talk to you about his vehicles, and he always picks the finest ones for you. He’ll even let you choose your own design and make it for you

-Also very protective of you. Somebody bullying or hurting you? Albatross isn’t having any of that. He can and will shut down their business overnight, and he will also take care of them personally

-Your days are always brighter thanks to Albatross. This man will never be tired of cheering you up and hanging out with you, because that’s the type of brother he is

And your parent figure is... HIROTSU RYUROU!!!

-Hirotsu is a pretty chill dad who actually babysits the Black Lizard

-He doesn’t really mind your teasing and joking side; it’s kind of refreshing for him honestly, because he always deals with idiots who dare to mess with the Port Mafia. Hirotsu also likes listening to you talk about your day

-He loves spending quality time with you, whether it be doing an activity with you or just being in comfortable silence around you. Hirotsu also likes engaging in conversation with you, and finds it amusing when you laugh at Tachihara and Gin’s scuffles

-As we all know, he sucks at video games and does not understand them one bit. So teach him how to play them! He might grumble a bit at first as he tries to get used to the controller, but with patience and a few more gaming sessions Hirotsu would be a pro at whatever video game(s) you play. He still prefers watching you play them though

-Hirotsu is also interested in your poems and stories. In his free time, he would read them and even give you some feedback on how you could improve. He strikes me as a secret lover of art, and he likes your drawings/paintings too

-He likes how you could defend yourself, because in his long years serving the Mafia, too many recruits were killed because of their inexperience in combat. Hirotsu definitely asks Tachihara to train you in handling weapons, but he isn’t too worried for your safety. He still goes with you sometimes on your missions because you could never be too careful

-Hirotsu will never leave you or abandon you. Even when in the Mafia, you have to take care of yourself first above others, he’s had enough experience to be able to take others under his wing. And he is very loyal to the ones that he cares for, so you don’t have to worry that he’ll betray you someday

-The Black Lizard treats you like a sister. Gin is willing to go shopping with you and listen to you talk, Tachihara likes to game with you and Higuchi just likes to spend time with you in general. If you ever find yourself in danger with no way out, the Black Lizard would come and protect you

-Hirotsu does not take to your teasing well... but let’s be honest he’s like a tired dad who has to babysit many kids lol. Some teasing and joking around would be funny time to time, but too much is not good

-I have the feeling that he would offer a few ‘wise’ words to comfort you when you’re in need of comfort. Hirotsu would listen to you talk and offer a few words of advice, but if you want some time alone to yourself he will respect that and give it to you. But he would appreciate it if you told him what was wrong because he wants to help you

-Overall, he is a calm, stoic parent figure who is there for you whenever you need him

And last but not least, your mentor is... ODA SAKUNOSUKE!!!

-I feel like he would be the same mentor he is like to Akutagawa in Beast

-Oda is a calm but good mentor. He never yells at you, but he will discipline you. It’s not as bad as you expect though, because he’ll just give you a small lecture and immediately forgive you after you’ve apologised

-He does share some of your interests, especially writing and reading. Oda gives good feedback for your stories and poems, even when he might be a bit blunt at times, he genuinely wants to see you improve. I reckon he would even give some writing tips too

-I feel like Oda will mostly train you in combat. Depending on your skills, he would either focus on training you in chases or how to subdue the enemy without killing them. He was an elite assassin once, and no doubt he could pass on some of his skills to you. Just... please don’t burn down Yokohama

-He doesn’t really mind what you do, however he will provide guidance when you need it. Oda gives really good advice, even when he himself thinks that it isn’t. He was a bit surprised when you told him that his advice worked well, but he is perfectly happy to give you more

-Over time, Oda will even take you to visit his orphans! If you’re not good with children, Oda will give you some tips on how to handle them and what their likes and dislikes were. They’re pretty good kids, a bit active sometimes, but if they sensed that they were being too rowdy they will tone it down for you. Oda asks you to look after them for a while, and it secretly makes him happy that his student and his kids were getting along well

-He will encourage you to take risks, but he won’t force you to do it if you don’t want to. Oda wants you to grow, but he wouldn’t make you do anything against your will. That wouldn’t exactly be called ‘mentoring’

-You can tell Oda any secret of yours and he’ll take it to his grave. I guarantee you that you cannot find a more trustworthy person than him. Feel free to spill everything to him, and he would never judge. Secretly he would wonder why you were choosing him to tell your secrets to, but he is also honoured that you chose him

-He is good at comforting you. Whenever you feel sad, angry, anxious, stressed, or worried, Oda will listen to you speak before offering words of encouragement. If the worse comes to worse, he might even give you a hug, but that was if you really needed it. He wants you to know that he would always be there for you, whether it be as a mentor or as a friend

-A man who is willing to observe and help; Oda makes a really unique mentor

Sorry that this was kinda bad :’)

[limi-pie]

About the fic YuTae 'Longing or love'

A/N: Hey guys, I thought I should update on you all on what happened to part 2 of the YuTae fic.

I'm sorry that I'm a gaesaekki (asshole/jerk). I know that I said in the reply/comment that part 2 would come out soon but I'M A LIAR, PROCRASTINATER AND I'M SORRY. My bestie has told me that I should at least update you guys on what is going on - so that I don't keep you guys waiting or expecting something for too long! But something as updating and telling my readers what's going on is such an obstacle for me, because I don't really use social media that much aside from scrolling Tik Tok. 💀 Tik Tok addiction is too big, ngl.

Well the number one reason is I just really haven't been in mood to write tbh, even though I'm horny 24/7 and this fic is spicy.

Like I'm just a lazy piece of shit (me) when it comes to reading and correcting my fucking fics, I just hate it and I don't know how to explain this, I've made it a toxic habit to only write fictions before I head to bed, so when I read or write at evening I get sleeply. and associate writing fics with bed time. 💀

Then when I end up writing it's always somehow between 2-4 AM and I re-read it in the morning it's like gibberish and shit 💀

Like my English isn't English-ing 💀

Why do I always create this fucking evil circle of creating and starting new fics and then never updating them or continuing them? 💀 I'm giving myself the biggest bombastic side-eye and I be eyerolling myself so hard🙄 whenever I come across the thought of never updating or continuing any of my fanfics *coughs* TTORW, *coughs* LAB.

I get easily frustrated, overwhelmed and stressed when certain things don't go my way. I'm sighing so hard as I'm writing this ramble of a note or update. Like once I touch the keyboard I can't fucking shut up.

Second reason for not updating is the fact that I'm fighting for my damn love life and I can't move on! 🙄 My stupid crush from work won't take the fucking hint that I'm fucking into him, that fucking bastard. 🙄 Like I like and love him so much but ain't no way am I going to tell him or convey my feelings to him like that. He really thinks that flirting with me privately at work and calling me by my nickname isn't going to let me know that he's totally into me. (I'm so delulu and I know that. But please shut up.🙄)

He's playing hard to get, then he gets easily jealous when I'm joking around with my male colleagues and he is always on his damn phone that asshole! 🙄 Do I really have to make the first move and tell him that I'm into him? No way! Imagine if I did end up confessing he would reject me because he doesn't feel the same or just sees me as a close coworker.

UGH. FUCK LOVE. HONESTLY I'M TIRED, I SHOULD STAY SINGLE AND NOT BOTHER MYSELF WITH THIS COMPLICATED LOVE LIFE. I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR THIS SHIT. Anyways this song is too real and relatable to how I'm feeling about my stupid crush right now.

내 눈앞의 너를 보면 (When I see you before my eyes) 한없이 작아지는 걸 (I feel so infinitely small) 심장이 멎을 것만 같아 (As if my heart could stop any minute) 난 참을 수 없어 (I can’t stand it anymore)

This is all your fault.

Sorry for my random rant about my love life. If I'm being brutally honest, I think the main reason for my delay and procrastination of writing or continuing fanfictions is the fact that I only write fanfictions when I genuinely want to and have the actual energy to do so.🤷‍♀️

When I do write it is extremely important that I'm having fun or enjoy the time I'm writing. I hate it when my hobbies suddenly or slowly turn into obligations or chores that I 'must' complete.🕴

After all, writing fanfictions is a hidden passion and hobby to me, I don't write to gain popularity or to build a fanbase, I just like the idea of fantasizing, writing feelings, making unsual or exciting plots and and creating fake scenarios within the Kpop fandom. I post what I think would be a fun or entertaining piece of work to read through. I don't write and post fanfics to gain clout or expect 5K notes on each fic. (Not that it is wrong if you write fanfictions for that reason, to each their own💗)

I also like the idea of making Y/N more diverse or unique, as someone who is of South East Asian descent, I like making Y/N Asian or mixed Asian. I love creating chaotic, funny or relatable Y/N moments to my fellow pocs or even non-pocs.

Lastly, I want to say a huge thank you for reading my fanfictions despite the fact that I don't update them. I want to thank you for scrolling/skipping through my fics just to read your favorite parts or certain lines, even if it's for the small parts that you enjoy in my fics.

I highly appreciate the fact that people even come across my fictions. Even if you don't end up reading through the whole thing, I am super thankful for you just taking a look at it or even saving it in your drafts. Thank you for the likes, comments and support for my fanfictions. Thank you for your patience and kindness.💞 

Sorry for rambling, anyways I had to explain myself for delaying my fic and I have probably repeated myself multiple times, sorry. As soon as I've posted this author's note, I will take a look at (Lol aka longing or love) and try to check what I'm missing and try to write on it. Sometimes you just run out of inspiration and that's okay too, but I hate keeping people waiting so I'll look and work on it little by by little.

– Author L. out ✌️

[yippeecahier]

Tagged by @queerests !

I love talking about myself, so...

[art by @sugar-drift]

Here goes; much to everyone else's chagrin and my delight, this is a long post!

1. Are you named after anyone?

Yeah, my great-grandmother. Luckily it's a gender-neutral name so even though I'm trans, I kept it.

2. Last time you cried?

I was playing Dark Souls until midnight recently (last weekend iirc) fighting the Gaping Dragon and my partner was being sardonic in his jokes as usual but I was tired and started crying because I tilted and thought he was disparaging me/frustrated with me for dying to the boss so often with the constant "OK yeah, just...don't dodge!! Hahaha!!" and stuff. Luckily he apologized and helped me pull myself back together. I'm kind of a crybaby, to be honest.

3. Do you have/want kids?

I have no kids. I am really indecisive on the latter. My partner really wants kids, and would prefer to have a child with my genes; when he said he wanted a biological child I suggested surrogacy and sperm donation so that there would be humans with his genes and he was like, "no... I want them to have your genes..."

I don't dislike children at all considering I literally work with them in my career. I think they are delightful little people and it brings me joy to see how they grow and change. However, I also really like having boundaries in my life where I get undisturbed 8 hours of sleep every day and only interact with said children for 40 hours a week; I would have to give that up for 24/7 child duty if I became a parent. Also knowing myself and recommendations from my doctors, waking up every 2-3 hours to feed a baby would literally make me suicidal. In the words of my OB/GYN: "it's not a matter of if you get postpartum depression, given your mental health history, but when." Also where I currently live is extremely hostile to pregnant bodies and I would like very much not to risk death or jailtime and exorbitant fines/legal fees just to have a biological kid. 20% of all pregnancies result in miscarriage (especially early on, before the person knows they're pregnant) and I can be tried for a felony if literally anyone suspects or alleges it was an "abortion," and they get paid to do so. There is no medical difference or test to tell if pregnancy loss is one or the other. It's a whole thing.

At the same time, I work in a Title I school and I know and love many delightful foster children I would love to share my knowledge and resources with to improve their lives. The state is hostile to children, too, and those kids don't have a choice about living here the way adults do, since they're with the state department of children and family services. Our local DCFS is woefully in a perpetual crisis because they discriminate against queer and non-xtian households in fostering and adoption; the ratio of foster children to available homes is 40:1 here. I'm very passionate about this, and one way to put my money where my mouth is is to go into foster care. However, I would need my support network if I made that leap to parenthood and my family doesn't support fostering ("what if their trauma/issues are so bad it endangers you!!") and insists on biological children. Oh well.

TL;DR I'm on the fence regarding the future and if it includes children and in what form, but I know I definitely don't want any biological children right now. I've always thought about adopting or fostering an older child.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

No, I generally mean what I say. I have a hard time identifying sarcasm in others (thanks autism) so I generally avoid it. The only time it appears is in self-aggrandizing humor in lieu of self-deprecating humor (i.e., "I am the pinnacle of grace!" when I trip) to try to fix my mental health. Currently positive effects, I highly recommend.

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Hair and teeth. It's always been hair. I don't make eye contact if I don't know you very well but I generally look at people's heads to make it look like I am, and stare at mouths to lip-read a bit because of auditory processing issues. If you get a haircut or dye your hair, it takes me a bit to realize who you are, especially if it's a radical change (thanks autism for the prosopagnosia.) I scared my classmate in high school when I noticed that his two front teeth were pared down to be even with the others at the dentist. Apparently, no one else noticed? He freaked out when I asked him, "Hey why are your front two teeth shorter than they used to be?" I also respond to surprise significant hair changes in my loved ones...not that well. I got mad at my partner for shaving his head down to a buzzcut because it was such a drastic and sudden change, and was distressed to tears by my dad shaving the beard he'd had for 20 years.

6. What's your eye color?

Really deep chocolate brown. Not dark enough to be almost black, but much darker than any of the hazel hues my other family members have.

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

If it's not Jordan Peele, I'm going with happy endings. I'm really sensitive to gore, and vomited when watching the Aliens films.

(CW: Alien spoilers, death)

I liked the Alien franchise, but I puked in the popcorn when watching Prometheus during the improvised C-section to remove the alien in the protagonist's uterus scene and my brother was pissed. His friend helped me out of the movie theatre and rubbed my back while I couldn't stop shaking and puking and reassured me that he felt nauseated at that part too and personally wasn't mad at me for reacting like I did. I was crying about embarrassing myself in front of my brother and his friends. It brings tears to my eyes again to remember how gentle he was even though he was a teenage boy. He stopped talking to me after he became addicted to opiates, he was too embarrassed to tell me. He disappeared in the Russia-Ukraine war, presumed dead. He was a great person. Damn, crying again. Like I said, I'm a crybaby.

8. Special talents?

I'm told I'm a good cook. I failed o-chem once and withdrew the second time because I had a massive panic attack before my final exam, but at least I took away some skills from that. I use my knowledge of organic reactions and interactions between organic molecules to maximize flavors in coffee, curry, and other edible things I create.

I'm also told I'm a skilled 2-D artist. My mom saved this shoe I drew and shaded by smudging my pencil in 1st grade. The art teacher sent it home and told her I should go to art school. I even made a college art portfolio and took commissions for a bit, but when it came to having to do art for a grade or for money, it felt like my creativity and desire to create would just shut off under the pressure. I just do art as a hobby, now.

9. Where were you born?

In a hospital via emergency C-section in the middle of a thunderstorm like a badass.

10. What are your hobbies?

Drawing, embroidery, puzzles, reading non-fiction, tabletop and video games.

11. Have any pets?

Two little papillon dogs. One is a teenage boy, the other is an elderly lady.

12. What sports do you play or have you played?

Currently, I run. I recently got 2nd place in my age group in a 5k race this past fall. In the past, I did track and field, tennis, swimming, and kickboxing. I tried my hand at yoga and HEMA, but didn't stick with it. I got kicked out of ballet and basketball as a kid for being ADHD and autistic which made me awful at following directions and being a "team player," respectively; it's also why all my sports listed above are individual. 😅

13. How tall are you?

5' 6" when I don't slouch; I'm working on it!! I'm a short king.

14. Favorite subject in school?

It's a tie between science and art. If you read my other paragraphs, this seems obvious in retrospect.

15. Dream job?

I'm in it: dyslexia and reading interventionist! I do what I love (learning about the brain and how people learn and process things!!) and teach people how to do what I love (reading!! also learning about the brain!!) and it gives me meaning to serve others but still actually make good money above the average for people in my area with my degree and education.

No pressure tags 🩶 @deerstar4 @thatsoup @waflfurs @lemon--berry @woodrider @arthallea @pandatlas @jesterpup @litho-sphere

[golbrocklovely]

since i was asked so nicely by a lovely anon...

here’s the first half of colby’s tweets from 2020.

i don’t have proof that these are his tweets, but believe me, they are his.

if it’s bold and italicized, it’s someone’s tweet to him.

if it’s in (), that’s just me commenting lol

added bonus: if they have a * next to them, that means it’s been deleted

~~~~~~~~~~~

Jan. 1 - being stuck in an elevator with 15 of your friends is the best way to start 2020

i kissed my hand this new years

ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space

Jan. 2 - thank you all i love you all

Jan. 7 - weird to think that about a year ago i was sitting in a cell in FL.. time flies

Jan. 11 - lmao i love you guys you get me

Jan. 13 - only fools rush in

Jan. 15 - you took the sun with you when you left -RK

the back of my mind has a constant itch for you

Jan. 16 - happy jail anniversary @/SamGolbach thanks for bailing me out

Jan. 19 - i promise you i’ll never act my age

Jan. 20 - real talk. should sam and i go on tour 2020?

(this makes really sad…)

Jan. 23 - there was an old man who kept coming to the 13th floor around 3am where our room was last night. i don’t like miami anymore i’m headed to orlando

Jan. 31 - looking for that deep connection with someone i'm tired of the superficial shit

Feb. 2 - IM DRUNK AT 3PM LETS GOOO CHIEFSSS

Feb. 4 - my couch is like a bed i could stay here forever

@/BigNik: Nobody cares about my well being but that’s ok

Feb. 5 - you should rap about this real shit bro that would change a lot. turn this emotion into art. i hope you know even if i’m busy i’m always still down to talk as well brother

(i don't like big nik, but this was such a sweet interaction <3)

out of curiosity , would YOU ever spend the night in Queen Marys room B340 if you could ..?

Feb. 6 - imagine if we could all go explore some crazy haunted place one day … together. 🤔 i wonder if that’s even possible

if anyone is taking high school Chemistry right now , i’m so sorry

Feb. 7 - sometimes i can’t take a joke and it’s so annoying

Feb. 8 - i really don’t like myself when i party too hard but i got the best friends in the whole world

@/badboywolfy: This is Saturday afternoon regret hours

you feel me

Feb. 10 - valentine’s day is coming up soon i think i’m gunna throw up

Feb. 12 - sometimes my mind can turn into my worst enemy

Feb. 13 - cant stop thinking about living in another big house with all my boys.. life is about to be insane

keep on fighting and i will too

Feb. 14 - to whoever left a basket of chocolates and teddy bears at my door .. i <3 u

Feb. 15 - I MISS DUBAI

Feb. 16 - shadow man is watching

Feb. 17 - my pupils make me look like i’m rolling balls CONSTANTLY

Feb. 18 - still trying to process the psychic saying i was an old soul estimated to have lived a past 21 lives .. shit messes with your head

Feb. 20 - meeting you guys never gets old

Feb. 24 - missing the nights alone on my balcony

Feb. 25 - express your creativity

(i always wonder why he tweets shit like this out of no where lol)

Feb. 27 - blue haired Colbys makin a comeback

Feb. 29 - i'm always feeling like i'm in a dream

March 3 - need to watch the sunset more

March 5 - i don’t wanna tell my story i’d rather hear yours

March 8 - if this is all we know then we might as well run with it

March 9 - who’s down to have some deep conversations i’m tired of small talk

March 11 - just had my first sleep paralysis dream .. never experienced something so terrifying

praying for the world right now

(and here we go into the pandemic stuff……… great)

March 12 - you can have the prettiest face but i still won’t f w you if the personality isn’t there

March 13 - knowing that we all know nothing

March 15 - i haven’t stocked up on food or hygiene essentials does that mean i’m going to die ? am i making the wrong move here ?

March 16 - if postmates stops delivering i’m actually fucked

random fan: Just sit on your balcony, the stars will feed you

the balcony is the answer to all my internal worries/suffering

March 17 - day 3 of no food in the quarantine, not sure how much longer i can go with just a few almonds to spare. everything is spinning slowly.. i’ve been seeing silhouettes in my room dancing gracefully on the walls, i think my mind is leaving me. would you guys be mad if i ate Sam?

March 18 - time moves on, memories never fade

March 20 - the worst thing is never the last thing

March 22 - i think the only person i can really make crack up is myself

March 24 - it’s times like this i wish i had a little dog by my side who i could call my bestest friend..

@/amberscholl: here u go (pic of george)

can i borrow him? just for a week..? .. or maybe two?

@/amberscholl: (gif saying 'you want it? come and get it')

see you tonight

March 26 - guys i’m trying to learn how to dance but it’s gunna take some time i’m too awkward

March 29 - my last night on the balcony

March 30 - where the emo girls at

(i remember this tweet causing so much chaos in the fandom. everyone claiming they were emo… absolute madness lol)

March 31 - what can i say? me and the boys got gluteus to the MAXimus

(i take it back. THAT PHOTO OF THE BOYS NAKED AND THEIR BARE ASSES?!?!?! died right then and there.)

[dick-helmet-magneto]

3,6-10, 12-22, 24-25

Let the violence commence!

to start with I was like what is violence about this? Now I see Also, going to go with x-men. there are other fandoms that I was mentally thinking about for some of these but i don't want to actually be murdered also, AHHHHH still enjoy asks so much

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

Charles dies before Erik of alcohol poisioning. Like there's not comics and movies where he dies of literally everything else first. The man dies at least once a day.

6. which ship fans are the most annoying?

It's cherik shippers. It's us, let's be honest, I'm sure it is. What other ships are out there?

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

Logan. I don't know everyone is like FUCK MAGNETO LOGAN IS THE MEOW MEOW MURDER ERIK and it's like...excuse you. I want to see them fight this out themselves. I mean Erik would win but still.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

Charles is a night owl, Erik is up before the sun every morning. I've seen so much of people flipping it or saying Charles is somehow both. I'm sure the telepath doesn't get much sleep but Erik? He doesn't either. Charles just stays up late trying to tire himself out enough to sleep and Erik sleeps until he can't and then he's up and out of bed and it's like 4am.

9. worst part of canon

MOIRA FUCKING MACTAGGART. I was going to say the lack of cherik but i think we've been given that.

10. worst part of fanon

I can't really think of anything. I mean there's the constant nom-powered au that leaves me wondering what Erik's problem is then but it's nothing I have that much of an issue with. More just curious

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

I suppose Erik doesn't count? It seems like most of the general population is convinced he's just an evil villain and dislike him. Charles? I mean people seem to have the right ideas. They like Pietro and I'll take that.

13. worst blorboficiation

Going back to logan about this one

14. that one thing you see in fics all the time

A negative thing? positive? something I just noticed? no beach divorce. I see that a lot.

15. that one thing you see in fanart all the time

I don't actually see that much fan art. I don't know? Cherik kissing? That seems to be most of what I see

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

The fics based in canon where Charles can just suddenly walk and is fully able-bodied. Like if he's using a cane or walker or something sure, all for that but like post-apocalypse and he's walking or they're on Genosha and it's magic.

17. there should be more of this type of fic/art

Misunderstandings, secret relationships, and insecurity are all tags I start ao3 for almost daily

18. it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

Still want more dofp fics where Erik is there as Charles's powers return and sees the pain he seems to be in. Or fics dealing with Erik's mental state after solitary. I can't write them all by myself. Someone help me.

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

mpreg is coming to mind. the idea of Charles and Erik having a biological child? Charles pregnant during Cuba and getting Erik to come back that way? OR Erik leaving, realizing he's pregnant, and then coming back to Charles to protect their child? YES

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

Jean Grey.

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

Honestly, not to keep bringing it up, but still haven't seen the Logan movies

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

It's the little things. Erik saving Charles as they crash on the beach. Paris. The way Charles winces when he sits in Darwin's cab during first class. Oh also "you're always sorry, Charles, and there's always a speech"

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

Similarities between Erik and Shaw I think. I hate when people are like "Oh so now you're turning into the man that killed your mother" no, he's not turning into a nazi fuck off. He's making some...decisions. but he's not literally turning into shaw.

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

...how bad the last two movies were. Don't get me wrong, they weren't great. They certainly weren't the level of the first class and dofp, but they had their moments. I don't think they were entirely terrible and some people insist they weren't worth the time watching them.

[the-chronicles-of-a-bookworm]

im so nosy you should get freaked out by me but since you have given me this wonderful opportunity...

1, 2, 7, 9, 14, 15, 16, 17, 21, 24, 26, 41, 46, 55, 62, 71, 72, 74, 77

(I'd say more but let's see whether you can survive this much first)

you nosy little cutie patootie <33 i freaked out seeing these many numbers i gotta add a read more

1. The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say…

The last person I kissed on the lips was one of my two childhood friends and if she screamed that she loved me, I'd just scream that i love her too because she'd probably be freaking out about that new keychain i gave her. it's completely platonic, no strings attached. we're just really close that we peck each other on the lips when we're excited.

2. Did you get to sleep in today?

I normally wake up at around 8 because morning lectures start at around 10, so I need time for my morning run and breakfast. Today I woke up at 10, because I didn't have to wake up early. So yes, I got to sleep in.

7. Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?

Nope! I'm the tallest of my little friend group (I'm not tall, I just have short friends) so that friend i mentioned in the first answer had to stand on her tippy toes, while i had to bend down a little.

9. Last person to talk on the phone?

My mum. She was a little pissed off because of some family problems (which i try to stay out of) but then she gave me this whole summary or smth about what happened and who did what and then asked for my opinion, which is something i never thought would happen, and then i gave her my opinion and she just sighed and said bye to me. honestly, the problem itself is something about my dad and my aunt having this big fight involving my dad's brother in law who decided to do some stupid shit. i dunno the rest.

14. Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

Jeans. Those little shits who I consider my closest, childhood friends decided to take me to a movie. So one of them, Amy told me "it's the best movie i've EVER seen" and then the second one, Manjita was like "It's only January and this is the second movie you've seen since 2023 started." and Amy is all "Do you want Hannah to come or what?" and Manjita is like "Oh yeah. Change quickly, we're coming to get you in 2 hours" so now i'm all ready and waiting for them to pick me up.

15. Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?

I think so. I mean, when I was 14, I was basically the same version of myself but emo-er. I had my goth phase, which my mother discouraged. I'm not THAT goth now, but half my wardrobe is still black and my friends (read: little shits) never lets me forget that phase of mine.

16. What were you doing at 4 am?

I was actually in the bathroom, at 4:17 in the morning, sniffing the candle that sits near the sink while I was peeing.

17. Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?

I would rather give a speech. But, I'm pretty good at writing a paper too. Writing a paper is easier, but speaking actually makes me feel good, for some reason. Especially if I'm speaking about something I'm really passionate about. I give guest speeches at schools sometimes.

21. Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different?

I am what, people might consider, the 'goody two shoes child' but once when I went out with my friend (yk amy from the previous stories) I told my parents I would be going to Cold Stone (a coffeshop/ice cream place) but then I went to Baskin Robbins instead.

24. What did you get your last bruise from?

I hit my hip on my desk cause my desk just decided to move 5 inches forward on its own.

26. Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?

One less question to answer. I was getting tired with all the typing that I switched to my desktop.

41. Have you had your birthday this year?

My birthday's on August 5. So, no, I have not had my birthday this year.

46. Is it hard to make you laugh?

Never! I can laugh at the stupidest of jokes. A person can just look at me and I can laugh. Like, there's this joke in malayalam and its not even supposed to be funny but i still laugh at it. people say that joke whenever they want to say an unfunny joke. i'll translate it the best I can:

"So there's this old man who's really hungry and he stops by this hair saloon and walks in. He sits on one of the chairs there and asks the barber "what do you have?" and the barber says "hair cut and shaving" and the old guy replies "then i'll have two plates of those"

AND Y'ALL DONT KNOW HOW MUCH I LAUGH AT THIS. ONCE I FELL OFF THE CHAIR LAUGHING. ONCE I ALMOST PUKED. ONCE I CHOKED ON MY CHICKEN. (no but this isnt even supposed to be funny. i just laugh at it cause its funny to me idk)

55. How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?

"WHAT IS THIS ABOMINATION ON YOUR SKIN? DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET SKIN CANCER? YOU JUST POKE YOURSELF WITH A NEEDLE MILLION TIMES JUST TO GET THIS PRINTED ON YOUR BODY?"

indian parents smh

62. Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car?

$40,000. I have no need for a car. I would rather buy books or other house essentials.

71. Does it bother you when someone hides things from you?

No. I mean, if someone doesn't want to tell me something, I understand. But if they hide some THING from me, I would pester them until they return what they hid.

72. What’s your favorite color?

I love all pastel colors + black <3

74. Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?

Another question I don't have to answer cause i've already answered it before.

77. Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?

Remember Amy and Manjita? There's an addition to that pair of little shits. He is someone I can tell anything to. Literally. These 3 pieces of shit know everything about me. We call eachother pieces of shit. Literally the most affectionate thing ever. He complains about having 3 girl best friends but as he grew older, we all grew more mature. Sometimes i trust him more than the other two because they tend to tease me more if its embarassing.

AND I AM DONE!!! THANKS FOR BEING NOSY I HAD FUN WITH THIS <333

[mcrmadness]

I tried to google about spring tiredness (in Finnish), why is every article about being burnout and related to work, and not about the phenomenon itself??? Like, I just wanted to know if spring tiredness as a term (well it's one in Finnish at least) means excessive tiredness in general and whether it has something to do with seasons etc. or not, but everything is about "this is why you might be tired at work during spring" - NOT WHAT I WAS ASKING ABOUT???

This is more like a chronic jetlag. I know it takes time for a body and brain to get used to the changes of a sleeping schedule, but I also know my own circadian rhythm is not normal. My sleep phase is delayed, and my day has more than 24 hours in it. I would say 30h is closer to the amount of hours in my inner clock.

But at this point this is getting ridiculous. It feels like my inner clock would be partially broken and only has 12 hours now. It's not the first time this has happened, but it's hella annoying when it feels like my body does not stop producing melatonin at all. It's like having melatonin high 24/7, my whole body is shaky and my muscles feel SO WEAK because of that. And I know I'm not sick or anything like that, because this is how I feel when I have stayed up for 24 hours too, and this time I haven't.

This is now the third day in a row. I have slept at night, I wake up around 8am, I become really tired at 10am, afternoon is the worst, just wanna have a nad at 5pm and then can't wait for it to be late enough so that I can go to sleep because if I go to bed too early, then I will wake up even earlier and will be even sleepier and drowsier the next day.

I woke up after 8am today and I have been awake for 2 hours and I already feel so exhausted. I haven't even eaten any breakfast yet and I still feel like I'm ready to go to bed cos I just want to sleep. I SLEPT FOR OVER 8 HOURS WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS. Besides, it was MY BODY that woke up. It could have very well kept sleeping for a couple of hours more but no. Just had to wake itself up and be like "oh it's morning :)" and now it's getting sunny outside and I'm getting so much more tired it's insane. I affects my ability to even do things cos my whole body feels so annoying and I can't focus on anything because of the sensory things. Even tho that might be also the key, and it might help me wake up physically if I actually went for a walk or something instead of sitting in front of the pc the whole day doing nothing cos I feel too exhausted.

But yeah, this is my normal. This is what happens with my if I can't follow my circadian rhythm, and some times my brain does this thing especially in the spring where it just randomly clicks and follows the majority's normal circadian rhythm which doesn't fit my body at all. I keep being told you can get used to it and you can learn to get used to waking up in the mornings. No I cannot. I have done that, I have been in schools and had to wake up to those early on for YEARS because my schools started at 8am, I have had a job that started before 8am. My current school starts at 9am. I am able to distract myself from the feels of tiredness with work, especially physical work, but if I keep sitting in one place, I just get so tired. I was always so exhausted at school and even in vocational schools I have had to fight against my body's urge to fall asleep in class. It usually doesn't matter if I have slept enough hours, it's just that I'm forced to wake up earlier than what would be natural for me. It's like if someone with the normal rhythm was waken up at 2am to go to work/school at 4am. I bet they'd get drowsy too eventually.

My own normal circadian rhythm would be to sleep from 2-4am to 10-11am. If I wake up at 11am, I won't get nearly as tired as I get now that my body has kept waking me up between 7-8am after I've gone to sleep between midnight and 2am.

Hopefully it gets better today if I manage to shower after breakfast and then manage to leave the house.

[sakurahisuii]

Abandonment… Aka Hell for Borderlines💔

7/14/24

👋🏽Hello friends!👋🏽 At least for me, abandonment is the biggest fear next to being forever alone. Over the last year.. maybe year and a half, I have been slowly working on spending more time on my own. This is to help with that fear of being ✨forever alone✨ because being alone isn't a bad thing, and we all should have times when we are alone to rejuvenate, think, and just be. But growing up, I felt alone, so I hated being alone. As a result, I made every effort to avoid feeling alone. This included jumping from one relationship to another when I started seriously dating in college (sorry, I'm not counting high school relationships since they were only for a few months). I always, and I mean ALWAYS, had to have some guy occupying my mind to be okay.

🧠"Abandonment trauma is the fear or anxiety of people you are close to leaving you. People struggling with abandonment fear may have trouble building healthy relationships." - Dr. Geralyn Dexter (Verywellhealth)

Want to learn more about Abandonment and Attachment Styles?

Click Here to Learn more: Abandonment Trauma: Signs, Causes, and Healing (verywellhealth.com)🧠

Fear of abandonment is my BIGGEST symptom of BPD, besides feeling empty. And it honestly sucks. Especially where I'm at in my recovery journey since I am more logical than before but also emotional. So my brain's favorite hobby is playing tug of war. For example, I have someone very special in my life that I've known for years who comes and goes a lot. And every time they leave, it's the worst feeling in the world. I feel like the world is falling apart every time someone that I have feelings for leaves me. So, when this person leaves, I logically know I'm going to be okay. I know it because I've lived through it countless times, but it still really badly hurts. When I experience any type of huge fight between me and my F.P (favorite person), I implode. This also happens if I have a huge fight with a select handful of my best and closest friends. And when I implode, hell breaks loose, literally. Logic is thrown completely out the window. The littlest of things are the biggest things in the world to me; I can't eat, I just cry, I want to hurt myself, I start to spiral... you get the picture. And this is EVERY time I am with an F.P. Saying "that sounds exhausted" is a complete understatement.

🧠What's a Favorite Person or F.P. ?

When I first learned what a F.P. was, I was told that it was a person who was your go-to person. And this goes beyond just knowing you can rely on them; it starts to become the person you ALWAYS go to first and expect them to help and give validation.

Want to learn more about the term "Favorite Person" or the BPD and Favorite person relationship?

Click Here to Learn more: Understanding the BPD Favorite Person Relationship (verywellmind.com)🧠 IT IS exhausting.

Having problems with properly regulating emotions is exhausting, questioning your self-identity and self-worth multiple times a month is exhausting; feeling stuck and empty all the time is exhausting. Having BPD IS exhausting. Unlike other people who can leave me, I can't leave me. I can't leave my brain or shut it off. I'm stuck. It's hard.

I feel as though people don't really give me (or any person with BPD or any other mental health conditions) enough credit for how exhausting it is to just go about daily life with everything going on inside your head. I completely understand (or at least will at one point) how people can feel exhausted around me, and that's completely valid. It is. But no one ever considers how exhausted I am and how tired I am of living this way. I know this post is on the darker side of the blog, but that's how it is with BPD: black and white. While I've been having episodes and struggling when writing and posting these posts, it was finally time to talk about my fear of abandonment. This blog is going to have some "darker" or more sad-sounding content because having BPD is really hard and I have a lot more bad days than good. Technically, I have more "I feel nothing" days than any bad or good days. I just hope this helps people understand a little bit more from a Borderline perspective, even if it's just the tiniest bit. Until next time, friends!💝

-Jade

[samsdiaryyy]

the start of a kinder year

I've never really been into the idea of the "year being kind" or "being bad" to anyone. Most of the time, I think of the year as just being a "year."

But this year was different. I had one heck of a bad one...so far. And it's only June.

My grandma died.

I became Chairperson of a big organization. So big.

I almost failed one subject, then I passed.

I failed one majoooor subject.

I'm confused as fuck that I don't even know what to do with my life. Right now, I just hate myself.

I hate myself for being stupid. I hate myself for being so incompetent. I hate myself for always allowing people to control what I do and what I think about in life. I hate myself for being...me. I just hate myself. So much. I hate myself so much it hurts.

I wasn't like this before.

I was the person that loved himself so much that people had to notice it. I loved myself so much that it was obnoxious. I loved myself so much that it was who I am. I loved myself so much. Then this year happened.

A few of the good things in my life are my boyfriend, my sister (my family in general), and my cats.

Especially my boyfriend. Aries has always been there for me since our Day 1. My knight-in-shining-armor. He's been the best. Most of the time, I forget who I am but he never failed to remind me of that version of myself that I like. Thank you, babi. You've always been so good to me. I love you.

My sister has been nothing but supportive to me. In my recent failure, she never once did make me feel like a loser. She made me realize that even in troubling times like this one, there's always that faint light at the end of the tunnel symbolizing hope.

My cats are my children. Since I've had them, they've been a part of my world 24/7. They listen to me and I like it when they do.

Life has been so unfair to me so far. I still don't get it. I'm kind of tired of this life always being the butt of the joke. But I have to try and fight. Take every ounce of what I have left in me and fight it out. And someday this year, maybe someday, life will be kinder to me.