#i've bought the book like i think over five years ago now and i still can't bring myself to read the ending

[szczekaczz]

.

[hadesisqueer]

When I was a kid, and still now, I took care of all my books. Some of them are fifteen years old now and I've read them like twenty times and you could still think I bought them only like a year ago or so. Some were inherited from my cousins and are clearly old but I fixed them up myself: for example, I never spent a penny on any H****y P**ter books because I inherited all of them from one of my oldest cousins when I was six, and she really was careless about her books (she still is, which is why when I let her borrow a novel last week I told her that if I saw ONE ripped page it's on sight); so basically all of those books are held together with duct-tape (my mom once asked if I wanted to by a new copy of the third one since it's the one that looks the worst, but I told her I'm not giving Her a single penny so no lmao). My The Little Vampire books are over thirty years old I think, and they also look like that. But the ones I didn't inherit? Yeah those look pretty good. My Fairy Oak and Geronimo Stilton books look almost as new, like most of the books I had as a kid.

Except the PJO ones, because I let my friend borrow them when I was 11/12. You can tell that my The Last Olympian copy isn't new because I let a friend borrow it and when I got it back the cover was... well, it really looked like her little brother had tried drawing over it, only that he couldn't and instead fucked it up. Then I saw that it was also dog-eared everywhere (and I specifically told my friend to please not to do that because I don't like it after I saw that she had done it with the other four books; I even gave her my Camp Half-Blood bookmark and she still didn't use it) and some of the pages were half ripped. I'd gotten that book for my birthday only like three weeks ago and it was brand new when I let her borrow, I told her to be careful with it and when saw how it looked when I got it back I wanted to yell at her because for fuck's sake what the fuck did you do to MY NEW BOOK? And she was like "oh sorry about the cover and all yeah but like it's no big deal right?" and 12yo me had to have a lot of self-control. I told her that yeah sure, but that I wasn't letting her borrow any more books ever again. You wanna read The Lost Hero? You wanna read another one I talked to you about? Buy it or something but you're not getting my copy after what you did with the other five. For fuck's sake they're not your books María.

[reality-inflicted]

This is a photo with more personal than artistic value (not saying that any of my photography has any of the former, but one can on the rare occasion hope that someone likes what I like). Somewhere in Nashville, Tennessee there is a little park. That park has, or at least it did about ten years ago, a little stage. On that little stage was the most askew little bench I've ever seen. And I loved it. I've never read a book about photography. I started out with a cheap ass little PoS-camera – i aimed it in the general direction of what I liked and I pressed the button. The camera did the rest.

After about a year or so i took money that I really didn't have and bought a small camera that I would bring with me on a trip to China. The plan was to write an article on the trip and to get it published and at least get some of the money back. I did actually manage to sell the articles (there were two of them), but the photos weren't taken with the new camera that I'd bought. On the second day of trip I got absolutely shit-faced in a drinking contest with a retired Major in the Chinese army and consequently lost the camera somewhere in a dark alley. Not a great success. I eventually bought a new camera for more money that I did not have. The last time I saw that it popped up was in a random plastic bag, a forgotten memento of forgotten times. I'd somehow managed to keep the camera though, which was a bit of a step forward I guess. As I geared up to go on my trip to the US, during which this photo was taken, i bought yet another camera I couldn't really afford. True to form I got shitfaced yet again on my second night, this time in San Francisco – a city notoriously unforgiving for drunken tourists. The camera, together with my headphones and some cash vanished. Luckily I'd managed to transfer the photos I'd taken previously onto an external hard drive (now sadly defunct and the photos – again – lost to time). I still had to buy another camera that I couldn't afford to document the remainder of my trip.

I have since lost that camera as well due to being shitfaced. As can be deducted I've had a very long and not very glamorous relationship with alcohol, however I am happy to report that I haven't lost anything to being shitfaced for quite some time now, which is always a bonus. I'd been toying with the idea of cutting down on the drinking before I went on the trip to the US (it will be ten years come December next year) but it would take about four or five more years before I finally felt shitty enough to go through with it. Alcoholism takes many forms – I was in no way drinking every day. But when I did it was always difficult to contain oneself to "just a few beers" resulting in increasingly self-destructive behaviour. What finally pushed me over the edge was the realization that I'd become that which I despise the most – my father. When he got drunk he turned into an absolute asshole and I started to see the same tendencies in myself or, rather, I came to accept that I showed those tendencies and I. Really. Did. Not. Like. That. One. Bit.

So I quit. I didn't drink a drop of alcohol for almost three years. Not that it did any good for my inherent ability to loose things. I still forgot headphones and laptops, but – increasingly – I noticed that I could find them again. In the hangover is a quiet despair, a disgusting apathy, that prevent you from handling even the easiest of tasks.

Today I have the occasional beer. Or a glass of wine with dinner once in a while. I can handle that – I know that some people can't and I place no judgement in that. I like to think, however, that I am at least a little bit of a better, albeit a bit more lonesome person. But that is ok. I like being alone. Like the bench above, all crooked like.

[isaksbestpillow]

People I Want to Get to Know Better

as tagged by one of my earliest mutuals @folerdetdufoler, thank you!!

Last song:

Favourite colour: yellow, lilac, mint green

Last film/show: Catching up on Chuubou no Arisu, Meguru mirai and Kimi ga kokoro wo kureta kara

Sweet/savoury/spicy: savoury

Relationship status: Married to this person

Such a lovely & safe person, I hope everyone has someone like that in their life! That's him saving a frog that I found stuck in a ball of dust at an onsen btw.

Last thing I googled: accidentally took antidepressant twice. Happened to me today lol. Felt quite dizzy.

Current obsession: Welcome to my Ossan's Love blog. I can't believe I'm back to fan translating after swearing myself off of it like five times haha.

Last book: I haven't been able to finish books in over a year. Ask me again when my health situation is better!

Looking forward to: I've kind of lost the ability to look forward to things after the traumatic events of last year. I guess right now I'm looking forward to being done with my last scheduled period/endo flare. I hate having to be so sick again and for nothing, I definitely don't think the polyp is gonna come out with this or that it's even a factor in my chronic pain problem. My next appointment is in April, I hope I will finally be granted endometriosis excision surgery after all of this.

On the long-term, I want to get better and go back to Japan. I really hope I can do it before spring of next year. We're gonna plant fruit trees and I'm gonna start a nukadoko, my spouse already bought the equipment a couple of years ago. I'm kinda in a negative mindset again because that's what an endo flare does to you, but underneath it I want to believe I can go back to normal life. Sans this cursed ass disease there's a lot to be excited about in my small life still.

Oh, I'm also looking forward to buying a new bag of chips because the ones I had on friday were such a letdown!!!!

[barbiewritesstuff]

My Little Girl

 

-- Something new, I hope you like it :) --

 

“Gotta hold on easy as I let you go

Gonna tell how much I love you

Though you think you already know”

 

“Mav, I’m pregnant”

That’s all Charley had said on the phone call.

    And to be honest, that’s all she had to say to get him to speed down to where she lived. He had attended all scans, all appointments, been there for every babygrow bought, attended every parenting class and read every baby book.

He had nearly fainted when the doctor said it was a girl. 

The first girl in five generations of Mitchells. 

 

 

“I remember I thought you looked like an angel

Wrapped in pink, so soft and warm

You've had me wrapped around your finger

Since the day you were born”

 

He had nearly fainted twice during your birth, once when Charley went into labour and when they put you in his arms. It was a good thing he had been sitting next to Carol, her expert eyes spotting the first signs of his predicament and scooping you out of his embrace. 

Mav had needed to spend less than ten minutes in your presence to know you had him wrapped around your finger. 

You didn’t coo, you didn’t smile, you just looked and that was enough

 

“You're beautiful, baby, from the outside in

Chase your dreams, but always know the road

That'll lead you home again

Go on, take on this whole world

But to me you know you'll always be

My little girl”

 

Then, when Charley left and he only had weekends with you he tried to cram as much fun and love in the 48 hours the courts had granted him. He saw you grow, Saturday by Saturday and Sunday by Sunday, from a quiet little baby to a headstrong little girl. 

And he heard you grow  weekday night phone call by weekday night phone call from young girl to young lady, with a head full of dreams and big plans for the future. 

 

 

“When you were in trouble, that crooked little smile

Could melt my heart of stone

Now look at you, I've turned around

And you've almost grown”

 

When you went off to college, Mav swore it was worse than his first heartbreak. He cried for the first time since your birth and Carole had had to hold him. She had gone through the same thing with Bradley a few years ago and he could feel her gently shaking, trying to hold in her laughter. 

When the tears finally stopped the heartache didn’t dull. Mav knew you were just having fun, and he had once berated his mother for doing what he did now, but he couldn’t deny waiting by the phone hoping you would call. 

“You’re worse than Goose was” Carol had laughed “Nick waited by the phone for the whole night when Brad went to his first sleepover”

 

 

“Sometimes you're asleep, I whisper, I love you

In the moonlight at your door

As I walk away, I hear you say

Daddy, love you more”

 

For your birthday each year he’d take you for dinner and a sunset. You’d open your presents in the car (books, always books. You got it from your mother’s side, the Mitchells could never sit still long enough) and point out constellations over some terrible supermarket chocolate cake that you insisted on buying every time regardless of how many times Mav tried to tell you he was willing to buy you a nice one. 

And the one year you were gone for your birthday, Pete had sat underneath the night sky by himself hoping you could feel how much he missed you and hear the I love Yous he was whispering to the stars.

 

 

“You're beautiful, baby, from the outside in

Chase your dreams, but always know the road

That'll lead you home again

Go on, take on this whole world

But to me you know you'll always be

My little girl”

 

Pete had never been prouder when you graduated.

Although they had stopped getting along a long time ago, he gripped Charley’s hand hard during your Valedictorian speech. He cried right through it, and through dinner too and even though Carol was no longer there to cheer you on in life, he had been so happy when you had kept her a seat.

 

“Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand

But I won't say yes to him unless I know

He's the half that makes you whole

He has a poet's soul

And the heart of a man's man”

I know he'll say that he's in love

But between you and me

He won't be good enough”

 

You introduced him to your boyfriends and Mav had to bite his tongue. None of them were good enough for someone like you. Someone so kind and gentle, someone so precious to him. 

Some of them asked if they could marry you but he had refused. You had argued and fought but fate had proved him right. 

And then Rooster asked and it felt like the clouds parted after a heavy storm. 

The Bradshaw Mitchell squad reunited again.

 

 

"You're beautiful, baby, from the outside in (outside in)

Chase your dreams, but always know the road

That'll lead you home again

Go on, take on this whole world

But to me you know you'll always be

My little girl”

Maverick stood proudly by your side, marching down the aisle in your gorgeous wedding dress to the melody of an old Sinatra song. You held your head high but beneath the veil, tears glistened on your cheeks. Rooster was crying at the sight of you and Maverick had never been happier to hear you say I do.

[nerdnag]

the annual national mensa gathering went down this week and i've been having some amazing fun you guys

some highlights:

booked a karaoke room for two hours with a couple others, then managed to (rather easily) convince 10 more random mensa members to come along right before we left! had a lot of fun singing with strangers

did the spiderman pointing meme when someone saw me and went "it's you!! the gossip girl trickster!!" and I, after my brain had loaded for a few seconds, exclaimed, "oh it's you!! the grumpy halfling!!" Apparently we played d&d together last year and she remembered my character better than I even remembered it myself, because she thought my character was hilariously annoying. (she came along to do karaoke, and we sang a duet together in-character. it was pretty awesome)

played a new session of d&d with the same group as last year + a few others, and somehow managed to cheat the system by making the monster laugh so hysterically that we inadvertently skipped ahead to the second phase pretty much immediately

ran into a guy who turned out to be my brother's best friend from high school and who's apparently been to my childhood home over 20 years ago (in an entirely different town many kilometers away)???

went to a masquerade and got to wear my hooded cape with a glittery mask and sequin dress!! and get photographed with many historical figures, superheroes and various others with creative costumes!!

played a session of blood on the clocktower that was so incredibly good and confusing that even the GM (who's done many a game) said it was the best session he'd ever done and he wished we'd live streamed it. it took four hours and we had barely any idea at all about which people were the bad guys until the last five minutes. I was killed the second round because people always think I'm evil for some reason, and they didn't believe that I was actually good until the game had literally ended (and barely even then lol). but i had GREAT fun anyway. though i was extremely shocked when we were done and four hours had passed and it was suddenly 3AM in the morning and i had missed not only the masquerade afterparty, but also an opportunity to get duct taped to the wall. (they duct taped someone else instead 😔) still very much worth it though.

went and bought one hundred cheeseburgers from mcdonald's with two friends at 4AM that we then went back with to the event hotel. few believed us when we said we were going to get 100 burgers, but the rumour spread quickly and we were greeted like war heroes when we returned. many mensa members creeped out of their various mouse holes to snack on burgers and sing together by the hotel's piano. a lot of people chipped in for the payment. many people have since talked about The Burgers like the highlight of their week. all very nice and wholesome. (also i think we made the night for the guys working the night shift at mcdonald's, one of whom giggled like a 4yo when we said "we wanted soft serve and figured, why not buy some burgers while we're at it")

there's probably a lot of other stuff i don't remember right now. but anyway, once again the annual gathering shows just how much of a Silly Nerd Community mensa really is

[25ofsalvatores]

Greeting.

ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ ────────୨୧────────

۰ ۪۪۫۫ · 春の花びら 舞い散る中で ۰

Oh my... you find me here. Glad to see you again. Shall we in hurry to getting more about me? 🩰

Greeting, soon to be my fellas! :D the name is Serene Jane Simone. Usually everyone addressed me with Serene, Sere, Sera, Rene, Nene, Eren or Jane. I know it's a lot... but, I'll leave it up to you, so call me whatever you want as long as it's not in harm way!

A little #.fun_fact INFJ-T is my MBTI {it hasn't change for almost more than 2 years until now} I got Sun Scorpio, Moon Gemini and Rising Leo as my sign. Also, I go with my feminine pronouns! I aready reach my legal age {19+} but no need to worries, my acc is safe for minor and either minor still can be friends wimme {not under 16 y.o}

DNI & BYF.

Same as basic information, before you follow I DO NOT WANT TO INTERACT with someone who racist, do not respect and mocking over some religion, culture and community, 🏳️‍🌈phobe, 18+ / NSFW account, non-cyber acount, or whoever someone who make me uncomfortable. I'll do soft block-unblock, either you can too!. Then, already find our common things?

. . . . Or need to dig in more about me?

Talking about something to dig in more, I also found interesting to dig in more about self-improvment, poetry, history things and literature, especially books! Oh... historical fiction and action are my top tier genre to read! ☆☆☆☆☆

☆ 𓇼 ⋆｡˚ 𓆝⋆｡˚

My interests.

👩‍🍳👩‍🍳👩‍🍳 cOOKING!! Almost every day I cooks for myself {and my family sometimes} spicy food and a little bit of salt you name it!

Let's just say I do really loOoove listening to the music! 🎧 you might know the feeling when you jamming to the music while you on your daily activities. Yes, that's my hobby! Anw, I'm a massive listener of KHH and KRNB. A little sneak peek with my spotify wrapped, R&B, Rap, K-Pop, K-Rap, and KRNB are my top five genres all of the time! 📼 Leaving aside, my ears also fair enough to listens old music, as a rule with 50s-90s jazz, rock and classical music! So perhaps if you like it too, we can talk mooore about that! Trust me, I like to talk about music! {wink_wink}

I do really LOVE talking or whatever about fashion, especially with grunge fashion. As a young soul who trapped to chase over dream and academic in college. I always thinking about my appearance to look more fabolous. So mind me if one day I like to post about {not so} my #.ootd :D

Reading, writing and being clown in my cyberspace are my side jobs as a college students. Seeking a little serenity for my feels when in my hectic schedule life lowkey hard tho. Not really maniac of bookaholic, I just read and write some light on romantics, poetry parade, comedy-drama, and a taste of hardly action. Sometimes I write what inside my head and my thought. So, mind me if that's kinda weird things.

What else... what about movie? I actually not that fan with that. But, if that comes with action genre, I can even make a list about the movie that I likes, and almost all movie that I likes are have a kind of actions!

Lately, I've been in intrested with playing a game PC! 🎮🎮 Counter Strike, Call Of Duty, GTA, The Sims, Point Blank, Tekken are the most played game in my PC. AnnNdddDddDD last but not least ‼️👊 I also a new learner with a electric guitar. Not so long ago, I bought my first and ever my electric guitar! But, I'm still a new learner and still noob, so please mind me and remembee that! :D

Well congrats, you already in last page! {clapping} so here, I hereby you to take a look for a while at the {not that quite of fetching} my autograph and all my linked account.

𝐂𝐨 — 𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐫: @𝐌𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐞.

[astramthetaprime]

Putting the 'Function' in Executive Functioning

Lots of stuff going on and ongoing.

Number One -- Google Tasks is the bomb. Seriously. I'm, like, getting shit done. I'm remembering to do things because my exobrain is remembering it for me. If I can get one thing done around the house each day, on consecutive days, for days at a time, dagnabbit I'm getting shit done. You put it on the Tasks app, it fragging puts it on your Calendar, I keep it open on the phone, it stays in the back of my mind because I see it multiple times in a day, and it gets done. Schedule dog walks, schedule washing dishes, schedule writing, schedule whatever, it's there, you see it, it gets done. Between Tasks, Keep, Gmail and Calendar, I've got the means to keep up with dang near anything. The danger is not overdoing it, because here be burnout yo.

Number Two -- I never got the hang of drinking coffee, y'know? I tried, when I was younger, but it always messed up my stomach and I wasn't thrilled with the taste. My thing was Diet Coke, which I love with the force of a thousand exploding suns. And, later, I developed a love of fine Chinese black teas. (I freely and cheerfully direct your attention to Upton Tea Imports for further information. I loves me some good Chinese Keemuns, that's fine drinking.)

However, in the last week I have discovered a coffee drink I can actually stomach. And it has been educational.

It goes like this: 1 tbsp instant espresso powder, 3 tbsp your choice of creamer powder, 1/4 cup or more chocolate syrup, 8 ounces boiling water. Mix well, with a milk frother mixer thing if you have one but spoon's fine. It's a sort of half-assed mocha thing. I call it 'hellbrew' or Liquid Mania depending on my mood. And speaking of mood ...

The first one I drank it kept me up to 3 AM despite the fact I drank it at least twelve hours earlier.

I've had several since then (I'm afraid to have more than 1 a day), and yesterday it cranked me up so high that I spent more than an hour unable to sit still and stimming like you would not believe. I don't stim physically. Usually. But yesterday dear gods I stimmed. I stimmed so freaking much and suddenly I understand the whole thing now and oh yeah my skin felt like it was vibrating. All over. MY ENTIRE BODY WAS VIBRATING.

I was working at the time. Like I said, educational.

Speaking of ...

Number Three -- I have finally finished training for my job so Monday morning I am turned loose on my own recognizance. It's been 5 weeks? Or six? Five, I think. Regardless, I am working full time and funds are available in abundant supply. Just in time to replace all 4 tires on my car. But still, there have been groceries bought and eaten, and I was able to replace my earbuds when the case on my old ones got messed up. And last night I signed up for health insurance for the new year. And I'll be able to start paying my mortgage again. The reduction of stress has been restful. I am on the verge of not just surviving, but thriving.

Number Four -- Pathfinder Progress. Two nights ago I wrote what is probably the exact midpoint of the book, my protagonist and antagonists finally met face to face. Still not able to speak to each other, but it's only a matter of time. The Taelai have survived the Surprise Asteroid and now outright treachery from some of their own people. They're halfway back to civilization, given their means of travel they've got at least a week to ten days til they reach a friendly port and another week to ten days after that to their throneworld system of Daitengu. There's a lot still left to do. But I am making progress. It's getting done.

And beyond Pathfinder, I now have a third story planned. Tentative title: Cinder. There is a preliminary outline, and because this is me and the theater of the mind has no budget, Imma imagine Tom Cruise starring in it.

Because he's pretty, that's why.

Number Five -- I briefly considered attending the Saga Writer's Conference which is scheduled for July 2024 as my birthday present for my 55th birthday, but honestly I don't think I can justify the expense. I estimate I'd be spending at least $1k if one includes lost wages, and I just can't afford that. I have no doubt it would be a great time and I'd learn a lot of stuff I desperately need to know, plus it's being held at ConGregate and that would be just gravy on the potato cake so to speak. But alas, no.

However! I have been looking in to what I could learn on Skillshare, and the answer is quite a lot. Copyediting, social media marketing, Wordpress skillz, creating author platforms, AI art generation (yeah I know, but professional artists don't work for free and you guys have noticed I'm starting from zero, right?). Also, fiction writing. There's also a lot just for free on YouTube and various podcasts such as the excellent Writing Excuses.

Speaking of ...

Number Six -- ChattaCon is coming up in January, and Imma determined to stalk Mary Robinette Kowal, pin her down and massage her brain.

Number Seven -- I'm actually participating in a local speculative fiction writer's group, a subsect of the Chattanooga Writer's Guild. Like, I went to a real-time, real-life meeting (usually it's over video). This was at a coffee shop but pre- Liquid Mania so there was not 'dance a jig in your chair' or vibrating eyeballs. Next time, I will know what to order to make the proceedings much more entertaining.

Number Eight -- Tom Cruise. Because he's pretty.

[queerlilchinchin]

Travis & Jasmine Get Engaged (New Uni)

Wordcount: 1,781 Genre: romance//roleplay Characters: Jasmine & Travis

Disclaimer: Only Jasmine is my character; Trav is my friend's.

Click below to read it.

Jasmine was glancing around at the restaurant. "Wow, it's even more incredible in here than I imagined!" She breathed, in absolute awe.

"What is the occasion that you'd bring me here?" She asked curiously.

Travis shrugged, arm around her waist as they were led to a private table he'd requested, "I had us on the waiting list and they called with an opening." He lied smoothly, free hand fingering the small box in his pocket.

It was a small lie; he'd had this booked for months. He was just waiting for the ring, and had been relieved when he got the call just a few days ago that it was ready. Now he just had to propose.

She glanced up at him, somehow feeling he wasn't being totally honest but she didn't care. It was amazing in here and she was so excited to finally get to try it out!

They reached the table and... it looked so beautiful. It was so nicely set up and everything looked so prim. "Wow," she breathed. Not a single wrinkle on the table cloth and everything set exactly perfectly.

Travis studied it with satisfaction, moving to pull her seat out as the server set their menus down. "Someone will come by to offer drinks momentarily." He said with a smile and small bow, leaving the couple alone.

"This is impressive." Travis agreed, "they asked if I wanted a bottle of champagne, when I made the reservation. Told them yes. Why not? It took long enough for an opening, after all."

Jas' eyes narrowed at that. "They just... asked if we wanted champagne?" She asked, tone making it clear she didn't believe him. "... are we celebrating something? Did I forget our anniversary again?" She asked, opening her phone to check the date

"Jasmine, look how fancy this place is." He said, sitting himself. Thankfully, multiple tables /did/ have champagne, so hopefully she bought it. "See? There are like five tables near us with bottles. Empty, at that. For what seem like a normal date night"

Just then, the server arrived with the bottle and glasses, and cups for water, pouring them each a glass of champagne and water, "here you go, Ma'am, sir. I'll give you time to review the menu."

Jasmine gave a brief smile to the server before turning her attention back to Travis, putting her phone back into her pocket. "I'm onto you," she said with a little teasing smile. "Look, you don't just make a whole day date night then take me to a restaurant I've been wanting to go to for over a year and get us champagne and /not/ raise questions!"

"I'm not allowed to spoil my girlfriend?" He asked laughing as he took a sip of his champagne, "we've been so busy, figured a day together would be nice."

She cocked an eyebrow but left it at that, leaning back into her seat.

"Alright... so what do you want to talk about then?" She asked, visibly relaxing as she picked up her champagne and menu to see what they offered.

"Hm I don't know." He mused, "we've chatted all day. Anything we've missed?" He asked her.

Jas had a mischievous gleam in her eyes as she gazed at him but simply shrugged, crossing her legs. "Nothing I can think of," she stated simply.

"Uh-huh." Travis said eyeing her as he picked up the menu to take a look, "hm, didn't expect a variety." He mused, "even have schnitzel. Haven't had that in a while."

Jasmine was watching him with a little smile. She didn't know what was going on but she did know she had the best day that day... the only thing that would make it better would be if he said "... yes. Um, I'll just have whatever you're having," she stated, folding up her menu, too distracted to focus on it.

"You sure?" He asked, still looking at the menu, as the waiter came to check on them.

"We're still looking," Jas told the server, offering a little smile before turning back to Travis. "You know me well enough. I trust your judgment."

The server nodded and smiled, leaving once more.

"I do." He agreed, "hm, let's do the schnitzel. I think you'll like it. Introduce you to one of my favorite countries, yeah? Before I take you, one day."

She flushed happily at that. "Making travel plans now, are we?" She asked, playfully cooking an eyebrow. "Sounds wonderful. Count me in!"

He grinned, "Only right you see the places I've been and loved. Germany was my favorite, other than The Netherlands, where I was born. And my mom is from."

Jas smiled, resting her elbow on the table and cheek on her hand. "You are so incredibly handsome when you talk about things you care about and love," she observed, tone soft and full of admiration.

He laughed quietly, "Tell me somewhere you want to see one day." He prompted. "Italy," she answered without hesitation "and not just for the food." "It's beautiful." He agreed, taking note, "is that your top? Nowhere else?" He asked.

She hummed, thinking about it."Egypt... Japan.. I want to try authentic Japanese cuisine. Umm.. I wanna see Indian architecture."

"Wide range." He said, impressed. After another few minutes, the server returned, and Travis ordered for them.

Jas watched him from across the table and smiled a little to herself, thinking how happy she was and how surreal the last year has been. "Y'know," she said, adjusting her purse in the chair next to hers. "The last year has been so much better than I ever could have hoped for. And... do you remember what I said when you first got released from the army?" She asked once the server had left again.

"I remember you said I'd find someone. Find happiness. And I have." He said, raising his glass to her.

Would it be weird to propose before dinner? This seemed perfect."

She smiled. "I did say that too," she said, eyes gleaming as she spoke. "But I was referring to another thing I said. Something... a little deeper."

His brow furrowed as he thought for a moment, "you said you hoped I'd be blessed with treasures beyond what I imagined for myself." He said after a moment, going slowly as he remembered her words.

Her eyes twinkled, showing he got it right. "And I like to think you have." She paused, rubbing the back of her head. "I mean, I've got the sparkling personality of all the jewels combined." She winked and tilted her head at him. "But... I know I got everything I'd ever hoped for but never dared to dream I'd get. Because I got you." She smiled and reached for her purse, pausing to look at him. "You're my treasure, Trav."

He had laughed at first, eyes warm. He didn't even really notice the food arrive as he watched her, hand toying with the ring box, "Never thought I'd be this happy again." He confessed, "but you made things different. So much better..."  he said, "I am really glad I came to my senses."

"Me too," she agreed happily, grabbing the box out of her purse and hiding it in her lap. "I can't imagine where I'd be if it wasn't for you."

Travis eyed her, box in his hand, "Jas..." he began, he started to stand, then frowned, before sitting again, "I'd love to do this properly, but you know my leg's been bothering me today, so I hope you don't mind... slowly, he set the ring box on the table between them.

"You have always been there for me. Always. There are times you don't even know about, that just talking to you for a moment changed my whole day. You've stuck with me at my darkest times, never gave up hope I'd see you as more than a friend... and you have made me so fucking happy..."

Jas actually started giggling when he set the box down and took hers out of her lap, setting it on the table, bursting into laughter.

"Travis. You are the treasure I always wanted but honestly never believed I deserved or would get. The fact that you and I are-" she snickered some more, wiping laughter tears from her eyes, trying to be serious but the fact they were both so in sync was... not funny but amazing. And she had no idea how else to express it.

"I am in love with every single aspect of who you are. Good, bad, ugly. There is nothing about you I would ever change. You are my every dream come true and I want to wake up to you every morning. Make you coffee every morning. Get to start my day sitting at the table with you and watching the sun rise. Every day. I want you for the rest of my life. She snapped it open to reveal a black ring with little silver designs on it. "I could go hungry the rest of my life and still be okay as long as I have you."

"Goddamn it Jas, stealing the moment." He grumbled, before huffing a laugh, opening his box to reveal the ring he'd designed for her.

Jasmine laughed and set his ring closer to him so he could take a closer look. "I went to this new jeweler that actually lets you design your ring... I hope you like it," she said with a little smile as she stared at the ring he'd brought. "And... in case it wasn't already clear... my answer is fuck yes. Let's do it!"

"I went to a custom jeweler too." He admitted with a huff, taking the ring out to slide it on her finger.

She held her hand out for him to slide it on and then moved to do the same for him and his ring before standing to go give him a deep, slow kiss, a better celebration for getting engaged than any beverage.

He kissed back, "well, I guess it was still surprising he said drily." He said, "did not anticipate this."

She giggled, sitting on his good leg just for a second, knowing they were in an upscale restaurant and gave him a tight hug. "I love you. This was the best engagement in the history of engagements," she declared, kissing his cheek.

He laughed and kissed back,"Good." He said, "now lets eat. I'm actually starving." She kissed his cheek and stood back up to go to her seat, staring at the ring on her finger and grinned to herself quietly. He watched her with a smile, before cutting into his meal.

[penname-artist]

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

GODDAMN IT MAN, WHY XD

*counts flowers* 11, alright-

I just bought a Japanese floor mattress (called a shikibuton) and I've got high hopes for it. I'll definitely let you guys know what my thoughts are after sleeping with it for a few nights, I think it should be here on Tuesday or so. Fingers crossed it's worth the $190 I paid for it!

I want to put a fun aesthetic to my speeddrawing videos. I have a neat little basket with a clasp on the front and I want to pull out random shit from it every day. Also I have a weird ceramic ladle that sits over a tealight candle and I have no idea what it's for but it looks super cool and I want to use it.

I'm amazing myself right now at how many "healthy alternatives" I've been going for literally just because I can. I dropped my amount of sugar in coffee from three and a half spoons to barely one and I have no idea how I did it??? I prefer banana chips over normal chips now? I crave trail mix and applesauce??? Help??? Even my mom was like "That's really impressive, you're young, most kids your age eat junk food all day" and I'm like "I kNoW I ThINk I'm dYInG!"

Geckos inside of your house are seen as a symbol of good luck in some cultures. I must have been blessed somehow because we had to safely capture and remove a baby gecko from my ceiling like a week ago. He was so smol.

Although I'm past my "listening to it every day on repeat" phase, Conan Gray's "Memories" is still currently my #1 favorite song, which is weird because normally I don't have a favorite but now I do, so

Asked mom "give me something to write down, anything" and she goes "I [meaning me] have horses on my ceiling fan". And I do.

I've been playing the new Slime Rancher 2 for the last couple days and it is ADORABLE and the lighting is SO GOOD and I'm enjoying it. The grind is way harder BUT I am enjoying it

I really hope I can remember this but I have a "line a day" 5-year memory book and I intend to start it January 1st, 2023. I'm excited to spend five years of one-liners in it, but also I'm a little bit ahead of the game, if my seven journals worth of detailed storytelling over the past two and a half years are anything to go by

You remember that weird "Laurel vs Yanny" video? I can only ever hear Laurel, just, for the record

Tips for existing in the world with major anxiety issues: 1) bring a fidget toy just in case, 2) locate safe spaces such as bathrooms, bench seats, and quiet places to chill when you are pent up, 3) if you get low on energy while out and start going into shutdown mode, bring a little snack of a yummy food, eating may help, 4) don't try to overexert yourself if you know it's going to get worse, just don't do it, know your limits, 5) bring a notepad and a pencil or a pen and peoplewatch for fun, 6) you can also play fun word games on your notepad, like writing the letters of a word and then making more words with their letters (side note: "pretzel sticks" was so far one of my most word-packed words ever)

I'm deeply debating taking large amounts of time to write random and entirely non relative listings of obscure hobbies I have an interest in.

[042502]

☆༉ — CHRIS STURNIOLO. The unwritten rule.

about. everyone knows the rule, don't fall in love with your best friend's boyfriend.

word count. 2k

author's notes. this is the Chapter 2, I hope it sounds interesting to you. My first language is not english, you will read this under this warning. masterlist

I've liked Chris for a long time. A shameful long time, and no one, not even Anna knows it. She thinks that in eighth grade, when he asked me to the dance and I said yes, he was just being nice, and when I said: "I like it a little, okay?” waiting for her to say she was.

She just said: "Come on, you can't really like me. It’s Chris.”

I could still remember her telling me how lucky I was because it turned out that he couldn't go because his grandmother had passed away and he had to fly to Boston for the funeral. At that point Chris wasn't worth Anna's time or interest, so he wasn't supposed to be worth it to me.

But I thought so. I wanted to go to that dance with him, I wanted to be his girlfriend, but we couldn't go to the dance, and when he came back from the funeral Anna had told everyone that I hadn't wanted to go out with him and was too kind to say no.

He listened, of course, and we didn't speak again until the end of our freshman year of high school, when we ended up standing next to each other waiting to leave the school during a fire drill. I can't be the only person who sees the problem with that, right?

We spoke only one day.

"Hello, what's happening?" And guessing how burned we'd be if there was a real fire, And after that, I admit that I thought, wait, maybe, someday...

And then, something from six weeks ago, I saw him at a party.

I saw it, but Anna had it.

I see Anna waving at him as I get on the road. Chris raises a hand too, and I try not to think about that party. About what I thought at that moment.

About his hand touching mine.The party that Anna and Chris got together at was a thing where summer oh shit school is going to suck, and all the usual suspects were there. Anna ran into a bunch of people from the drama club, and everyone was talking about what work they wanted to do.

I was looking around the house, greeting everyone who passed by and talking about summer, We all agreed it was too short.

I wandered off to the studio, which was his usual study. A haven for dad complete with a comfy, stubby chair that they clearly didn't allow into any other space in the house, a collection of newspapers and magazines, all open in articles about sports, and two huge shelves, They ran from floor to ceiling and were filled with paperback books and what looked like old manuals, but there were also some books on the coffee table, of the kind that are all photographs. One of them was shoes.

And here's the thing about me: I like shoes. Good sneakers. I have twenty seven pairs, and twenty-five of them are ones that I decorated myself or bought already designed. Two pairs are in my room now, stark white and waiting for inspiration to strike.

Which leads me to what happened. There I was, flipping through the shoe book and wondering if I could get a copy and decorate a pair of sneakers with shoe cutouts. I saw heels around the edges, boot dancing across the top, and bright yellow lace with lovely tiny silver slippers on the ends. When I saw a painting on the wall.

I don't know much about art, but the painting was clearly valuable. It was nicely framed and had one of those little reflectors that say "Look! Look at this picture!" about her. I had also been waiting to see one of those little white cards screwed to the wall next to the painting with a little title like "the internal struggle of the human spirit", but there was nothing there, just the paint and the light.

The paint, well, it looked like shit.

I didn't mean it figuratively, I was serious, literal.

I moved a little closer, interested and horrified, and I practically had my nose against the glass frame when someone entered the room. I looked over there, and it was Chris. I smiled at him.

And then I felt my heart drop into my stomach because... Well, the summer had been very, very good with him.

Chris had always been three things: silly, joker and obsessed with music.

During the summer, had grown to the point that I had to look up to meet his eyes, and he had a pretty muscular body. Not the big, bulky kind you always picture when you hear those words, but long and toned ones.

He seemed... I wish I were a poet, but he looked beautiful in a strange, exotic way and when he said "Hi, Ada", I wanted to run up to him and trace the lines of his cheekbones with my fingers and then touch his hair.

And that's fine, the rest of it.

Although, I did not do it. I just said "Hi Chris, can you tell me what this is?, like he was normal old Chris, the one who had vomited just before giving an oral assignment in fifth grade and is not suddenly a wonderful creature whose face, that had all angles and was huge, with amazing blue eyes, It had come together in a way that worked and made me shiver.

"It's a painting” he mentions smiling at me. I had always liked Chris's smile, She was friendly and warm, but now in that face he had become, it was lethal.

“I, I kind of realized that.” I cleared my throat.

I knew from Anna that being beautiful wasn't all that great. Anna had changed in second and third grade. One day we were both first year girls, the next day, She was a supermodel who had an A-list girl as a best friend. Maybe it wasn't so dramatic, but it was quite sudden.

Anna had always been pretty, but she became beautiful quickly, and people had noticed it. She liked it at first, it was even all they noticed. And then she got used to it. That took a while though, and I remembered her screaming "I am more than breasts! You know?" to a boy we met at the shopping just after everything had changed for her, and then how I had cried that night in my room, hating that people looked at her and saw nothing more than her body and face.

“Looks like…" Chris remained silent, narrowing his eyes and looking at the painting.

"Shit?" I said, and then he smiled back at me. My stomach did a somersault with that smile and I swallowed hard. I told myself it was Chris, and that I had known and liked him forever.

The thing was, I had always liked him.

“That's what it looks like, but I don't think it is.” It still sounded the same, I still sounded like Chris, a voice that had been a little serious and deep for him before. Now he was laughing. “I think it's dust.” He pointed to the painting, careful not to touch the glass. “Look, do you see this?”

As soon as I saw Chris' reflection in the glass, I nodded anyway.

“Looks like a smudged handprint” I give it a short look, and then go back to see where it says. “Just like someone leaves a mark, time and nature wear it down. Maybe it's about what's left after you create something. The little you're not supposed to see, but that's what it has to be for a painting to exist.”

Now he actually sounded like the Chris I knew, the one who had greeted in the hallways every day last year, the one who was my friend.

“Or some boy just thought, hey, I have this gob of coffee, why don’t I smear it on a canvas?”

“Disgusting” we both laugh. “Where have you been all summer, anyway?”

"Me?" I'm ashamed to admit that I yelled at him.

“Yeah, I didn’t see you around.”

“That's because I was at home, helping out and all that.” explained. “My father paid me to paint the garage.”

Brilliant, now she sounded like a fourth grader. My dad paid me to paint the garage! I had no life!

“I painted too” speak. “Houses, I mean. Do not paint to paint. I did some of that, but most of it was at home, like I said.”

I relaxed a little more then, despite his appearance he was still Chris.

“So, that's how you got those muscles” I hit him on the arm. He shrugged, blushing a little. 

Imagine a boy, He is a little taller than you, with the perfect skin of those that scream "Touch me!" and long disheveled hair. He looks so sweet, and it is. Surely you can understand why I dropped the book I was still holding.

He bent down to take it at the same time as me, and for a moment we were so close that I could have leaned over and kissed him.

“Take” He extended the book to me. We were still so close, and he was looking at me, the smile in his eyes darkening into something deeper, more intense.

“Thank you” although I bet it sounded more like "garatyuhrh", and then I reached for the book and he handed it to me, his hands touching mine for a moment.

And then he said "Ada", and took my hand again. I looked down, my ears stained with the dark green my father wanted for the garage, and his hands were stained too, white and yellow, and the book slid to the floor as he did more than touch my hand. He held it, and slid his fingers into mine.

Our palms were pressed together, And all I could think of was a line I had read somewhere, about palms pressed together like a kiss, and he was still looking at me and then we were standing, still holding hands, and I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I could only watch and wait, waiting and breathless for him to move closer and closer and…

“Ada, You won't believe what I heard the game would be. It’s… Oh” 

It was Anna.

He looked straight at Chris, and smiled the smile she gave when she saw a boy she wanted to see.

"Hello you” she was splendid, tanned, Tall and beautiful, her black hair curled around her heart-shaped face, and I saw Chris smile back.

"Hello Anna” Chris greets her.

“What have you been doing this summer? “Come and tell me everything while I go to the store for some soda.” she smiled to me. “I have to go in a while. One more story about camping and I'll start screaming I swear, I wish I could have gone.”

"I know” Because he had been there when his mother said no, I tried not to notice that my hand was no longer touching Chris. “Don’t just bring Grape, okay?”

“I wouldn't just bring Grape , ok. I would, but I won't." He put his arm in Chris's as he led him out of the room, driving towards her as only she could, and by the time they returned with a few six-packs. Anna smiled at me, a pleasant, bright smile. “Chris likes Grape , too.” He throws me a can of Pepsi. "Your favorite."

“Mine too” Chris made that comment, but he wasn't looking at me, he was looking at Anna, perplexed I would even say stunned, and I knew he wasn't going to turn around.

I looked at her, and she was smiling the smile she made when she saw a boy she wanted., and that's when I knew I was going to get it because that's who she was and what she did.

I saw that I had already achieved it.

I went to the kitchen to drink my Pepsi. I served it in a glass with ice. I waited for the effervescence to dissolve. Delay techniques, and by the time I took it and returned to where Anna was, she and Chris were sitting together, talking.

Anna was nodding attentively, like everything he was saying meant to her. Chris was still looking at her slightly dazed, but then he looked at me and started to say something, and then Anna touched his face and kissed him in front of everyone.

And there it was. He was hers.

He could have talked to me first. He might have even held my hand first. But that didn't matter.

Except for me.

જ⁀➴ taglist. @l34n @jetaimevous @jnkvivi @loveyoumatthewbernard @d1tzy-bl0nde @slut4chriss @surniolozzzprincess @sturnlova @inlovewithchriss @whicked-hazlatwhore @mattsgirlsblog

author's notes. If you want to be part of the taglist leave a comment below and I will add you. Thanks for reading, remember to like, share with your friends and leave a nice comment ^^

[parttimedragonslayer]

I used to keep a twitter account that was basically just a reading log. I haven't touched twitter for ages but I kind of miss keeping the reading log so I'll try updating here.

I tend to read a lot of books at once. Depending on the situation and how I'm feeling at the time will depend on what I pick up. I either read on my kindle, phone, and sometimes on laptop, and audiobooks. I miss physical books but I've read the ones I brought with me and haven't bought any since moving.

So here's the current state of play:

Tranny by Laura Jane Grace

Gender dysphoria is something I struggle to understand, but I appreciate it's a reality for many people. I was never really am Against Me fan, I wasn't really listening to much punk as they were gaining momentum. I'm finding Laura's story fascinating though, the glimpse into the culture I was enamoured with for many years alongside learning about how she found her identity is fantastic.

Audiobook, 36% completed

Usually listening while riding to amd from school.

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

I've been pleasantly surprised at how easy a read this has been. I stayed away from Dostoyevsky for a long time thinking it would be a hard slog of a read, but this has been really smooth. I wonder how much of that comes down to the translation. I started reading by audiobook but switched to ebook when my loan of the audiobok came due.

Audiobook and Kindle, 74% completed

Bed time reading rotation.

120 Days of Sodom by Marquis de Sade

I've been 'reading' this since sometime in 2021. I'll try a few pages here and there but I don't know if I'll finish it, I might just ditch it. Marquis de Sade might have some historical significance, but the book is just sickening. Like, literally makes me want to vomit.

Kindle, 59% completed

Bed time reading rotation.

Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World by Haruki Murakami

Working my way through Murakami's catalogue. This is only my second novel of his, but I really liked Killing Commendatore. Also read The Strange Library and What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. There's a few of his that I'm really looking forward to, but want to get my feet wet with a few of his other works first.

Kindle, 36% completed

Bed time reading rotation.

Who Fears Death by Nnedi Okorafor

I'm consciously trying to diversify my reading and this book was highly recommended. I'm enjoying it so far, the MC is a bit annoying but I think it's intended and second half is going to resolve that. Started with audiobook and then also borrow the ebook and switch between the two.

Audiobook and ebook on phone, 53%

Daytime naps reading and waiting rooms.

Fool's Errand by Robin Hobb

I read the Farseer Trilogy in my youth and loved it. Read it again later and found it to be kinda irritating and couldn't get over the MC being so whiny. So far I'm enjoying this though and finding the characters a little more mature.

Audiobook, 39%

Bed time reading, turn out the lights and listen until I fall asleep.

Deadhouse Gates by Steven Erikson

Book two of the Malazan series. I read part one of the series a looooong time ago so I read a recap before starting but I still didn't remember a whole lot. I'm enjoying book 2 more than I remember enjoing book 1. It's long though so gonna take a while to get through it, and I think there's 10 books in the series?

Kindle, 20%

Bath time and loungeroom read.

Five Children and It by Edith Nesbit.

Not sure why this one was on my TBR lost to be honest, but I've started now so I'll keep going. I'm not really seeing a lot in it at the moment, but it's a quick read so I'll keep going. I read this one on my laptop at school when I have kothibg to do or need a break from lesson planning or studying Japanese. I figure it's a safe read to have open in case anyone reads over my shoulder there won't be anything offensive in it.

Ebook on laptop, 48%

Reading on laptop at work between lesson planning and study.

And that's everything I have in the go at the moment. Currently, my TBR list is sitting at about 500 books, which seems fairly insurmountable, especially because it tends to grow faster than it shrinks. I think I either have to be more willing to stop reading partway through books that I'm not enjoying much, or at some point, maybe do a cull of my TBR list. Maybe go through and remove everything that I can't remember the reason for it being in the list in the first place. If only there was enough time to read all the books...

[buckybarnesdiaries]

bucky barnes x reader. masterlist.

part 1 — part 2 (soon)

a / n. this is a series of 15 mini-drabbles to celebrate the 500 followers' milestone, based on one word for each story. this first part contains 8, and the next one contains 7. it was supposed to be posted one story per day, but by that way, it'd take me to last an eternity to post other works / requests.

words. 1.533.

warning, tags. none, just a bunch of fluffy and cute situations with bucky.

join my tag list.

necklace;

It was the first time since you started to date that Bucky had to leave for a mission. Neither of the two of you knew when he'd be back, and that got you worried than ever. You were conscious of what he did for a living when you met him, but you couldn't help but feel scared. Next to the front door of your apartment, Bucky left his backpack on the floor, leaning to cup your cheeks on his palms and kiss your lips tortuously slow.

“I'll be okay, (Y/N)”. He murmured keeping his eyes closed.

“You better”.

Your hidden threat made him giggle. The soldier felt goosebumps bristling his skin as your fingertips toured his neck blindly, just to put in place the chain of his necklace. But soon, Bucky stopped your moves to take it off from him and place his dog tags on you.

“I'll come back for them”. He promised, fixing his pale blue orbs on yours, holding your hands to bring them to his lips and place fond kisses on every knuckle of both. “I love you, don' forget it, okay?”

“I won't... How could I, Buck?”

eclipsed;

Bucky was sweating, still not believing he was about to get married to the love of his life. He was on the altar, waiting for you and surrounded by all of your friends in common. Steve had had to help him with a panic attack he had suffered while dressing up, thinking that maybe you could change your opinion at the last moment. He couldn't blame you. But all those doubts vanished at the second you crossed the huge, heavy doors of the church. Your beauty eclipsed him, wearing a white lace wedding dress and seeming like you floated over the floor. Just like an angel.

His heart jumped. His oceanic eyes got covered in tears. A giggle escaped his lips, stretching a hand towards you, still praying it's not a dream. And you noticed the tension and the nervousness running his veins, leaning forward to kiss his cheek with all the love you felt for your future husband.

“Can't wait to say yes”. You whispered into his ear, causing Bucky to lace his arms around you and embrace you tight and tenderly. “I love you, James, from now and forever”.

sunset;

After his most recent nightmare and walking all grumpy from one side of another around your house, you decided to cheer him up only like you can do. With reluctance, you managed to get him out of your apartment and drag him to your car. Bucky was like a child, cross-armed, lips puckered and frowning annoyed. He tried to hide the fact that he had another nightmare to not worry you, but you weren't stupid.

Thinking that glimpsing the beach throughout the large front window would make him feel happier, your boyfriend just reclined himself on the seat, causing you to roll your eyes. That mood changed as soon as Bucky was sitting on the sand, between your legs, tho. His back was resting against your chest and his neck was wrapped by one of your arms, watching fascinated the sunset on the horizon. He wouldn't recognize it, but he felt much better hearing the waves crashing into the shore, while you stroked his scalp tenderly using the tip of your nails.

“You're welcome, grumpy mummy”.

clingy;

You didn't want to drink, but Sam and Sarah wanted to celebrate that the family business was picking up. On another occasion, you wouldn't mind, but Bucky was there. So, when everything started to spin around, you lead your clumsy steps to the edge of the harbor, having a sit there and let the soft breeze help you.

“Stop”. You heard from behind.

“Uh?”

“You're stealing my antisocial personality”. Bucky chuckled, taking a seat by your side. “What's up? Why are you here all alone?”

“Truth or lie?” You asked tilting your head towards him, raising both eyebrows.

“Truth”. He scoffed as if it wasn't obvious.

“I'm too clingy when I'm drunk”.

“Can't see the problem there”.

You chuckled, shaking your head inevitably, causing him to pucker his lips with a funny grimace.

“What?”

“Tru—”.

“Truth”.

“I've been all night wanting to rub your beard”.

Bucky exploded in loud laughter, not believing your words until you put your hands on his jawline. “God... It's so soft”.

His laughs increased, causing you to burn in shame. “No more drinks for you, ma'am...”

But the fact was that he turned to you, so it could be easy to caress his face.

safe;

Bucky was deadly tired on the sofa, warmly cuddled between your arms. A while ago, he stopped to pay attention to the movie, turning his back to the TV to hide his exhausted expression on your chest. You placed the cozy blanket over your bodies, making sure it covered both of you, being aware that tonight you'd sleep there. You felt sorry just at the thought of waking him up, seeing him peacefully breathing and his face more relaxed than the last few days.

Shutting off the TV and stretching an arm above your head, you turned off the small lamp on the auxiliary table close to the sofa, before getting comfier by Bucky's side. Your boyfriend purred delighted, still sleepy, as your fingers got tangled on his hair and started to scratch his scalp slowly, urging you somehow to place a leg over his waist, so he could settle between both a little more closely.

“Feel better?”

“I feel safe”. He replied in a low breath, to exhale the sweet scent concentrated on your neck.

“You're safe, James. You're at home”. Your calmed tone made him sigh, snuggling you strongly.

stay;

You snapped awake because of some knocks on the front door. Tossing the sheets to a side of the bed, you grabbed the gun under your pillow. It was stupidity. If somebody wanted to kill you, that would be the last thing they'd do: knock the door. You walked slowly, step by step, through the main hallway aiming to the door, more than ready to shoot your assailant.

“It's... Bucky”. You heard from the other side.

Sighing in relief and closing your eyes for a split second, you left the weapon on the dinner table in the living room. Not doubting on opening the door, you couldn't help but raise an eyebrow when you noticed the reddened mark around his left eye and cheek.

“Can I, uh... stay tonight with you?” Bucky inquired, licking his upper lip ashamed, bowing his eyes down to his boots covered in dust.

“C'mon, Sergeant”. You invited him to walk in, using such a sweet tone, while holding his cold hand.

He looked like shit but felt much better when his arms got wrapped around your waist and middle-back, hiding his face into your neck. Kicking the door shut, you embraced him tighter to your body.

notebook;

You were lying on the opposite side to Bucky on the sofa, but keeping your legs tangled. It was a rainy evening with nothing to do and you decided to start to read the book you bought last week. Your boyfriend was silently doing something in a notebook. Maybe writing memories, maybe doodling, you didn't know. But the third time you caught him staring at you, you had to ask.

“What?”

“Uh... nothing”. He whispered focused on the paper in front of his eyes.

“Whaaat?” You kicked his right leg with your bare foot causing him to chuckle.

“Nothing!” Bucky replied using the same playfully tone of voice.

Putting the book on the coffee table, you sat up to lie on top of him, cuddling between his legs and resting your head on his chest. Glancing to the sketch of yourself he was drawing, you raised your heart-eyes to his. It was such a piece of art. The drawing and Bucky. Both.

“I learned in Romania. It kept me sane sometimes”. He confessed, leaning to place a kiss on your forehead. “I want to remember you forever”.

marshmallow;

“Truth or dare?”

Bucky narrowed his eyes, leaning on the table just like you did, challenging him. He was trying to read your mind to figure out which were your intentions.

“Dare”. He answered firmly.

“Put twenty marshmallows in your mouth”.

The soldier stared at you in silence, watching him lick his inner cheek and push it with the tip of his tongue. He nodded his head then, grabbing the plastic bag without losing eye contact, to start to place —one by one— the sweets into his mouth. In less than thirty seconds, he looked like a squirrel with his cheek swollen. Bucky squinted at you again, triumphant.

“Hold on, I need to capture this moment”. You laughed, catching your phone to take a picture.

When the flash went off, he spitted a marshmallow like a shotgun. And you couldn't help but laugh.

“C'mon, Bu—”.

You didn't finish the sentence, being hit by another marshmallow slightly wet because of his saliva. Your grimace turned into a funny disgust, grabbing it back to throw it to his face.

“You're like a five years old in a body fos— STOP!” You ended up giggling as he spitted you the third one.

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[llfreude]

For my unique friend @gotterfunkchen, on this unique day.

He gets up from his favourite chair, leaves his empty plate aside and softly pulls out his handkerchief to wipe his mouth.

He looks at me then, and I smile, because he is reaching into the wide pockets of his blue dressing gown to find our notebook. I wish I could look at his face but my eyes drop on his hands while he writes as they always do. The pen moves in andante, and he takes time to blow on the ink before he hands the book over to me, so he's in a good mood.

Well, it is true, it has been a good day.

He woke up hungry, he always does, but today we had leftover apple pie and the coffee was just right. We took a walk through the fields to Döbling and back, where I remembered to wait for him before we crossed that unsteady bridge he doesn't like. He has scribbled five tunes along the way, which is half as much as the usual, but back home, he wrote three more, and he said he could finish his Quartet with that.

He asked me to play something then, and I refused again, because I render dynamics wrong by now, but he promised me he'd enjoy it. I believed him. If anyone can still understand what's left of my playing, it's him. I only ever play for him anyways.

I played four Veränderungen, his favourite among those I slammed at Diabelli's face last year, and I know the Streicher is loud now with this echo dome in metal, but he listened to it all with a quiet, beautiful grin.

He kissed my cheek afterwards. I felt like a genius.

I went out and bought almond biscuits while he rested, and he ate them after dinner. I insisted he took them all because I enjoy them more if he eats them than if I do, and he did. He cleared the whole plate, and I relished in his delight. He hummed in C. I cannot hear, but I remember the exact sound he makes when he has those biscuits. I have written a small fugue around it back then, on a drunken night, and it made him laugh.

I take the notebook. I love his writing.

There's a 'g' that I like, but I try not to stare at it and read his whole sentence instead.

' I need to get prepared now ', he has written, and I frown, feeling cold all of a sudden.

He's leaving early. The only watch I own is somewhere in that drawer but I know he's at least two hours earlier than usual.

My stomach hurts.

I get up and go to that heap of memos I should order someday, spread the whole lot on the piano and read each one of them. Some papers are months old, most of them irrelevant, now where is that note. My head hurts too.

It's there, at the back of that bagatelle in D, and I know that date is today, because rent was due two days ago, and rent is due on the 29th.

It is today, and I forgot again.

I've been biting my lips. I think I'm bleeding. I deserve it. I can't do anything right. He was upset when I forgot last year, and he was upset the year before. I had promised I would make a note then pin it somewhere, but there's always such a mess on the piano, note upon note in layers and layers of things I shouldn't forget.

I try to look around, but I can't. My eyes are on the floor, because there's an ink stain there, one he made five months ago as he wrote that fugue so fast he almost fell sick and knocked the ink-pot over with his elbow.

He pats on my shoulder, showing me the notebook, trying to catch my eyes. He's worried now, and it's my fault. I can't do anything right. I have nothing to give him, there's no food left in the house, nothing I own that he could use, and I can't even write him a song.

I am not like him, he is a spark and I am but embers. It takes me weeks to write a song.

I think I'm crying. He must be upset. I deserve it.

He must leave early because his friends have planned a celebration for his birthday, as they are decent people, not old deaf fools like me.

He touches my forehead, I know he's begging me to speak, but I can't, so he growls in irritation and leans over towards the note on the back of the score. I think he understands, and I lower my head.

But instead of showing anger, he takes back the notebook, bars his previous writing and adds a new one, a long one, allegro, with quick lines and swift curves. My eyes find his hand as they always do, and I wait, fascinated as I always am, so when he simply flips the notebook around, I can read him in a second.

'It's all right, Ludwig. ' He has written. 'I know keeping track of time is difficult for you. Please, don't torture yourself, I had a wonderful day, and I had it because of you. I have a lot of wonderful days in fact. I have a home to come back to, I have care, I have music, I have reasons to be inspired every single hour, and I have them because of you.'

I think I take the notebook from him and set it aside before I even read the last words.

I need his hand real bad. I reach out for it, groping blindly because my eyes are on that stain again, and pull it tight against my heart.

I make him feel every hammering beat, every scattered breath of mine, and I wrestle my own mind so I could at least whisper something before he leaves.

“I love you.” I croak.

I have nothing to offer him today, except this.

His fingers twitch on my chest. He slowly leans aside and our eyes meet at last. His glasses are foggy. He's young and handsome, he shouldn't be here with me, but he mouths, with infinite care, those words he'd be wiser never to write, and I know them, I know them by heart. I hear them in his voice, inside my head, because he has once breathed them into my ear, long ago, before fate, before silence.

And this tune, largo, G-F-G, I never forgot.

I let him go and change clothes. I let him go, knowing he'd return, because he lives here by now. He's the other half of me, the other half of music, and whatever my mistakes, whatever my flaws, like the tide of the deep, wild ocean he is, he will always come back to me.

[plenilune]

so here's the thing, and this is going to sound completely unhinged in light of a few posts ago, but this is my pretend insane secret diary to a billion strangers, and I don't have to perfectly explain myself* -- the thing is I stopped having most emotions some time ago, and the total absence of emotions in the spaces where emotions would normally pool to fill has made me, in my current insanity, unsure as to whether or not I have ever actually had an emotion or if all of them were simply me feeling what I was told or expected to feel in the moment.

[*I do actually. If I do not perfectly explain myself I will die.]

there was certainly a lot of my childhood in which I was expected to feel certain ways about certain things -- certain types of wonder or curiosity or religious fervour or empathy or loyalty, and some of the ways I performed those expected emotions were good and some were Very Incorrect and needed to Stop At Once, and also not to feel certain things, which other than crippling depression I mostly didn't, somehow* and somewhere along the way I became very numb and confused and frequently don't realise I've had an emotional reaction to something until significantly later, when I still don't feel anything about it but I seem to be experiencing symptoms of having had that emotion. generally this is one of the negative ones because if you have symptoms of having been excited about something or touched by something or whatever they don't tend to make themselves NOTICED, because they're ordinary things that don't stick out. I mean like -- dissociating through a time of intense stress and not really feeling a way about it and then a few weeks later I start having certain types of cycling thoughts or I stop eating or I become very paranoid or avoidant of something related to that experience or have sudden negative stabbing psychic pains when accidentally brushing against a memory related to that thing, but the original emotion about the experience still isn't something I can find or access. things like the time I tried to read a book I'd recently bought that wasn't related to anything bad that had happened to me, but when I opened it the paper smelled so intensely of my incredibly toxic bookstore job that it replicated the stress and mental gnaw of my shifts there in my little electrical feeling producers, which made me feel DEEPLY batshit, especially as over a year had gone by since I'd left that job. or just -- I don't know, this sort of thing happens all the time but my memory is so poor that I can't think of any of it. most of it's been much worse and much weirder but it's very difficult to explain.

[*like, I think I did have a lot of queer and trans feelings as a child, but I didn't process them or notice them and at the time it certainly didn't seem to be making me miserable, that those things were very bad and I shouldn't be them or go near them? they didn't seem to be relevant or connected to me at all. but they certainly seem to have contributed to, say, feeling completely alienated by the existence of my own body, slowly reconnecting to the experience of having a body in my fucking thirties and mostly then because of back and forth dysphoria, and me unable to tell if the previous period of me in my mid-twenties really liking how my body presented as feminine with a new ability to show myself off as potentially desirable was equally real, or something I only partially understood at the time, or me thinking I felt good about an experience I had all of the social structures present to tell me that I ought to feel good about it, and now that not all of those social structures apply to me I have no road map telling me how to feel so I simply don't?

the thing is I still like to be hot now too and I love to be desired and touched (in theory; if more than about five randomly chosen people touch me I will burst into flames, but I LIKE to be TOUCHED by people I LIKE) so maybe NO emotions are real and maybe I'm just an AI poorly and inconsistently programmed, which certainly aligns with my most prominent paranoid delusion, which is that I'm not Real in some obvious sense but if I let anyone find this out I will be Punished and it is the Worst thing that could Possibly Happen. also it could happen at any time because it's very obvious that I'm not a real person!]

[have I just repressed and de-realised all Forbidden Emotions for so long -- since very early childhood -- that I've never figured out how to have them because instead of having them and feeling ashamed or frightened or rebellious like most people seem to I simply deleted them? case in point: I certainly discovered I had some confusing issues about my attraction to non-men being seen as predatory and the existence of my sexual desire for someone inherently damaging and hurtful and a source of shame in a previous very toxic relationship, but in that case the cause wasn't any party's internalised homophobia, I think? but as far as I could examine it, it did seem to stem from a lot of repressed internalised shame from the first two decades of my life set off by the other party's incredibly specific control issues. but why did that shame never switch on when I was, say, making out with a woman I'd just met in a public bathroom years before?]

annoyingly this post seems to have become somewhat bafflingly about my sexuality when what I am trying to unpack is how I don't feel most emotions other than shame and guilt and keep feeling increasingly threatened by the knowledge that other people need and require me to have emotions about things but I don't know which ones all the time and even if I intellectually know what the emotion is I have no idea how to reach for it or perform it adequately and I also recognise that this is VERY INSANE, especially because it started with things years ago like me not feeling very connected to my family and now it's processed to me panicking at work constantly because everyone seems to have all of these feelings and loyalties and base compassions and the capacity for genuine curious interest in certain types of details about complete strangers and I have no idea what ones are being asked of me in an interaction but every time I get through one situation there's ANOTHER one and I'm so braced against someone getting angry at me for having wrong bad or no emotions that I have become hostile and paranoid and feel flickers of repressed electrical rage at perfectly ordinary interactions.

absolutely none of these run-on sentences are coherent. I'd better cut off here for now.

[natvrefairy]

Friendship Anniversary (Red x Reader)

Requested: Nope, just thought I should give you all a taste of my writing first.

Reader Pronouns: She/her

Word Count: 1,390

A/N: So, I've recently started a new playthrough of Pokémon Blue, and I just love Red's character, so here we go. :)

C/W: Selective mutism, mainly fluff

Context: Set about six years after Pokémon Red and Blue. Red has been up on Mt. Silver for about three years, only coming down when necessary, or when (Y/N) has convinced him to fly down to her house with her (very rare). She visits him up there regularly to check on him and his team, and bring supplies. He's still got his selective mutism, but she learned sign language to communicate with him.

✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Six years. It had been six years since (Y/N) had left her home in Pallet Town to set off on her Pokémon journey. Although it was so long ago, sometimes it felt like only yesterday.

She was never as competitive as her childhood friends, Red and Blue, but she did love Pokémon just as much as them. It was a bit disappointing when her dream ended at the Pokémon League, but she was happy for Red, and they moved on quickly.

Red. He hasn't been the same for a while. It's hard to pinpoint when exactly it started, but as time went on throughout their journey, he started talking less and less, before suddenly, he just never spoke again. (Y/N) never found out why, but then again, she didn't want to be rude by asking. Instead, she poured all her efforts into learning sign language, desperate to show support for her best friend in any way she could. It was sometimes weird not physically talking like they used to as young children, but they never needed to talk constantly before anyway. They always had other ways to communicate, so maybe it wasn't too different after all.

For Blue on the other hand, it drove him mad. He never understood how (Y/N) and Red could spend hours just spending time together without uttering a single word. For him, it was a lot harder to understand Red's sudden silence. (Y/N) could tell Blue was trying his best to be there for support, but it was draining him as well. He wanted to support his friend, but didn't know how. Blue was never good at showing real emotions anyway. And now, he's so busy as a gym leader, he barely ever gets the time to go up to Mt. Silver. He's just grateful for (Y/N) for sticking around.

They're all 17 now, and today marks the day when Red and (Y/N) first became friends. Twelve years, it's been. Time really does just fly by.

Humming a soft tune, (Y/N) walks around her house, making sure everything is in place for her to leave. Considering it's their friend anniversary, she was planning on going up to Mt. Silver to visit Red. She even bought him a little present. It wasn't anything big; just a book on Pokémon. She didn’t feel the need to get anything too big, because she knows it just makes him feel bad. But she wanted to get him something, and anything on Pokémon, he'd definitely appreciate.

She looks down in confusion as her pokéball shakes, her trusty Jolteon popping out on his own accord. Shaking her head, she gives him an amused smile.

"What's wrong Jolteon? I only just sent you back. It won't be for long; we're just going to fly to Mt. Silver."

Her Jolteon is very similar to Red's Pikachu, in that he hates his pokéball. Although he does still reluctantly go into his ball when told, (Y/N) prefers to keep him out. She doesn't like seeing him upset, but sometimes it's necessary for him to be in his ball. Like to keep him safe when they're flying.

Jolteon shakes his head, his fur pricking up like static as he runs to the door. Running after him, she hesitates before opening the door, curious as to what he can sense.

"Pika! Pikachu!"

'Hello.'

"Red, Pikachu, what are you guys doing here?" (Y/N) asks, clearly in shock as Pikachu jumps off Red's shoulder and runs inside to play with Jolteon.

'It's our friend anniversary. We wanted to see you.' Red signs, smiling softly.

(Y/N)'s face lights up at the sight of that smile; the one he only ever shows around her or his Pokémon. Stepping to the side to let him in, she closes the door, freezing as she suddenly remembers his present.

Grabbing the messily wrapped present, she hands it to him, her face flushed in embarrassment.

'I got you something. Sorry about the wrapping.' She apologises, averting her gaze awkwardly, before leading him to the couch to unwrap it.

There was something almost terrifying about watching him open it. She knew there was nothing to worry about; she knew him better than anyone, after all. Except Pickachu, obviously. She knows what Red likes, and she knows he'll appreciate the gift, but for some reason, she can't help being nervous.

Feeling his hand being placed on top of her own, (Y/N) jumps slightly, looking up to meet Red's warm gaze. Looking into those perfect ruby eyes of his let loose a swarm of Butterfree in her stomach. Her mouth goes dry, so she just smiles back at him, understanding his gesture of thanks.

Confused when he suddenly grabs his bag, her eyes widen as he pulls out a perfectly wrapped present, handing it to her.

"Red... You shouldn't have."

He just shakes his head, gesturing for the girl to open it. Carefully unwrapping it, hands shaking slightly, she furrows her eyebrows to see a black box. Lifting the lid, her jaw drops to see the beautiful ruby necklace she'd been wanting for months. Tears welling in her eyes, she looks at him in confusion. She never mentioned it to him.

"How did you...?"

Red's cheeks heat up slightly as he signs a response, 'I may have asked Blue if there was anything you had your eye on.'

Gently taking it from her, he clasps it around her neck, grinning happily at the beauty in front of him. (Y/N) shakes her head in disbelief, a small chuckle escaping her lips.

'You really went above and beyond,' She signs to him, gently kissing him on the cheek before getting up, 'tell you what, how about we just have a movie day?'

----

Hours had passed, and Red and (Y/N) were still snuggled up on the sofa-bed watching movies, a blanket draped over them. They had stopped earlier for dinner, and Pikachu and Jolteon had already fallen asleep, so there was nothing stopping them from watching movies for the rest of the night.

Except, unfortunately, the tiredness slowly creeping its way in to (Y/N)'s body. Her eyes keep drifting shut, until Red grabs the remote, switching the TV off.

"What did you do that for?" (Y/N) asks, glancing up at him with half-shut eyes, earning a soft glare in response. She knew that look all too well. "But I don't want to sleep yet."

Red places a finger against her lip, silencing her and shaking his head. Planting a soft kiss on her temple, he pulls her closer; a sign that he's not taking no for an answer.

Sighing, (Y/N) moves closer to him, reluctantly closing her eyes. She knows how stubborn he can get, and just decided to leave it at that.

She had almost drifted off to sleep, when she felt a soft pair of lips against her head, and a quiet, hoarse voice break the silence.

"I love you."

(Y/N) freezes, slowly opening her tired eyes to look up at him. Those were the first words he had spoken in five and a half years.

"Red, did you just-?"

"I love you," he whispers again. It looked like a bit of a struggle to speak, but his face showed nothing but pure love and adoration for the girl in his arms.

(Y/N) leans up, pressing her lips against his in a gentle kiss. They were both still very tired, so it didn't last long, but they still had enough time to pour show the love they had held back for years. In those few short moments, it was like a spark rushing through their bodies. All those years of loving each other, all that time they held back, finally expressing their feelings.

When they pull away, (Y/N) buries her head in Red's chest, too embarrassed and tired to actually look him in the eyes. But before she falls asleep, Red does hear her mumble a response.

"I love you too."

Those were the last words she spoke that night. As Red gazes down at the girl sleeping peacefully in his arms; the one he loves with all his heart; he can't help but think about how lucky he is to have her in his life.

(Y/N) is the best thing that ever happened to him, and now they can finally celebrate the start of a beautiful relationship.