#i've mentioned it before but having come out of a depressive episode recently

[gazingatmydoom]

opening a fromsoft game and immediately seeing the words "at the end of the previous session. exit game (system menu) may not have been selected.

failure to end session with exit game may result in loss of progress" and i'm like ahhh so i rage quit. it's like a warning sign popping up like hey buddy whatever u were doing last time? it fucking sucked and u got mad be prepared

[x0x0josephinex0x0]

comfort | kmg

i am feeling icky (physically and mentally and basically in all the ways, send help lol) and as always mingyu is my comfort human so i guess i was just feeling it. reader is mentioned to be an introvert. also reader is in a bad place mentally, lowkey is implied to be a depressive episode (self-insert? hi). kinda sorta from mingyu's pov. pet names used (honey, baby, my love). kinda sorta based on this song (How to Love You Today by Son of Cloud).

mingyu understands the difference between being introverted and being quiet -- after all, he's friends with hoshi, an introvert, who can blow his eardrums at a moment's notice. he's also dating you, and while you're no hoshi, you're definitely not a wonwoo, either.

more than understanding the difference between quiet and introverted, though, he knows you. so he knows that look you have in your eyes -- the hollow, dull look that steals over your features, sometimes for weeks at a time, while you struggle to feel anything at all. he sees it in you now as you stare out the window at the gloomy clouds gathering over the hills.

it's getting bad again. he knows it. you're usually so still when you sleep, and so splendidly expressive while you're awake, but recently that has switched -- your dreams are restless and your sleep-talking more vocal, and you spend more time sitting and staring than you do normally, your face blank and empty, your hands cold whenever he reaches for them. these are the kinds of days that sap you of your saturation, leaving you feeling listless and drained -- times when mingyu has to remind you in gentle tones to eat, to come to bed, to join him in the shower. your mind is not always kind to you, so mingyu has made it his personal mission to be so.

the worst part is, you've stopped singing. when you'd been "just friends", sometimes your constant humming and vocalizing would peeve mingyu when he was trying to concentrate, but after living with you for almost two years, he barely notices it anymore. in fact, he only really notices when you stop, and it's one of his first indicators that something is off about you.

he's been waiting for you to tell him what's going on. usually he can tell you're in a bad state before you can, but mingyu also knows that if he tells you he's noticed, you'll start trying to hide it from him. because you don't want to be a burden. (the thought of you ever being too much for him is laughable to mingyu. he loves you like it's breathing -- just an instinct, something he never even needs to think about, because it's just that easy. every person is heavy sometimes, so why was it so unreasonable for you, his most beloved and treasured person, to believe that he'd willingly carry you, no matter how heavy you got?)

so he waits, staying aware of you always, noting how the dark circles under your hollow eyes get more pronounced. and he worries, of course he does. but he also knows that one day, soon, you'll --

"mingyu?"

he's in the kitchen shredding lettuce for a sandwich for you when he hears it: that tiny voice you use when you're sort of kind of hoping he doesn't turn around to look at you. because you're on the verge of tears, or you look like hell, or a million other reasons that he couldn't care less about. so he turns around. "hey baby. what's up?"

"i...i don't feel good."

that's really all he needs. that's really all it takes, if he's being honest with himself. he goes to you where you hover in the doorway, afraid to take up space, and pulls you into his arms. "i know, honey. i've got you."

there's nothing like the feeling of having your tense muscles relax into him, the way your body releases all that angst as he runs a warm hand up and down your back. you lean your head against his shoulder and repeat, "you got me?" softly, almost embarrassed.

but even as mingyu's heart aches for you -- even as the tears prick the back of his eyes as he thinks of how you must've been suffering -- he feels so grateful. grateful that you trust him. grateful that you feel safe enough to do what he knows is so scary for you. grateful that you choose to do it despite everyone in the past who has made you feel inadequate for needing a hand.

he presses one, two, three kisses to your temple. "i've got you, my love. i've always got you."

[thefandomlesbian]

Inspired by the post by @oddlittlestories about Wilson touching House's sensitive points--specifically, the mention of the strongyloides patient and the afterlife. This is something I've been stewing on for awhile.

I don't think House's issue with the afterlife and the strongyloides patient was solely stemming from his own personal obsession or ongoing issues with suicidality related to his disability.

4x03, 97 Seconds, is only four episodes after 3x22 Resignation, in which House discovers Wilson has been taking antidepressants and it's implied Wilson has been struggling with his depression and simultaneously refuses to tell House anything about it, no matter how House pries. House makes his own inferences, that this is either a new thing or a change in prescription because of worsening depression, but Wilson deflects when he tries to ask. It's one of Wilson's sensitive points. We learn (and House explicitly observes later) that Wilson shuts down particularly painful topics, mostly relating to loss, and this is one that he shuts down hard and fast by accusing House of not caring about him.

House, true to character when it comes to all things Wilson, assumes the worst. We don't know what Wilson is actually going through, that's left to be guessed at by the audience, but we do know that House has been effectively shut out while continuing to be concerned.

And then, only a few episodes later, we get two different patients: a man who experienced cardiac arrest and replicates it in front of House for the thrill, and a physically disabled man who discusses being free of his mortal body. We see House and Wilson have exchanges about both of these patients. First, about the knife in the outlet patient:

House repeatedly tries to draw Wilson back to the topic of suicidality, why? how? what was the plan? and Wilson repeatedly avoids the topic until he gives up and leaves the scene sooner than have the conversation. My read: The implication is that Wilson at some point in the past (whether or not this is recent past or long past, we don't know) dealt intimately with suicidal ideation that makes him uncomfortable, either personally or with a family member (maybe his brother). House takes this as confirmation.

So then, this scene is followed up later in the episode, where Wilson and House together are with the disabled strongyloides patient, who is telling them he does not want cancer treatment. The patient says death will be a relief--in front of Wilson, House looks at him before he addresses the patient. It triggers a knee-jerk reaction, anger.

House recognizes he oversteps and leaves the patient, but the argument continues between him and Wilson in the hallway. It goes much deeper than trying to talk a terminally ill man into living a few months longer, because the argument isn't really about him; he's just a narrative vessel for this conversation between these two characters.

The most popular read for this exchange is that House is arguing for himself, that he thinks misery isn't a good enough reason to take his life and he is telling himself that death isn't a worthy escape (which is definitely a valid read of the scene). But given the recent context of Wilson's depression, his utter refusal to share anything with House and therefore the audience, his complete discomfort with the suggestion of suicidal ideation and all the big questions like why and how and what for... I don't think House's actions after this scene are for House.

We have this argument where Wilson is arguing in defense of a man who is passively suicidal. "You don't know death isn't better, you can't know, death could be better. There could be a solace after all of this, you don't know." If this conversation is framed in context of Wilson being depressed and having potentially been suicidal, he's not defending the patient--he's defending himself, for having had those thoughts. And House is arguing with him, against those thoughts. Wilson's conclusion is you can't go to the afterlife and see how much it sucks.

Of course House's conclusion is to go to the afterlife and see how much it sucks.

This is the song playing while House contemplates what he needs to do.

Starting over anew without a partner, not knowing how to make sense of things, becoming a new terrified person in lieu of someone who is supposed to be there--that's where his mind is. He goes to look at the electrical outlet patient, just staring in silence. What could be so good that it needs to be revisited? He must be wrong. (Note that at no point does House ever share with Wilson that the electrical outlet patient's claim that death was the best 97 seconds of his life--he asks Wilson why but never follows up with the answer.)

So House pages Amber and tries to try to kill himself, as convoluted as it sounds, so he can know the afterlife isn't good. So he can have proof. So he'll have evidence. He'll know it sucks, even worse than Detroit, they can't have this argument again.

House says it explicitly. "You insisted that I needed to see for myself." He had to know.

House wants to talk about what he experienced. He deliberately seeks out someone who will understand, asks for that person specifically, he wants to share. But with Wilson, he digs in his heels. Entrenched. We see that Wilson is generally the person House shares personal things with, such as the suspected identity of his biological father, he goes directly to Wilson after Dominika leaves in S8, he seeks him out throughout the Stacy arc in S2, pesters him while the fellows are fleeing in S3 even after the Tritter arc, his soft place to land during and after rehab in S6--Wilson is House's number one confidant.

Not on this subject. He refuses to say anything, except, "I love you." He doesn't respond to Wilson's criticism that he's already had near-death experiences before; he doesn't bite at any of the bait. Not talking about it. The person he wants to share with isn't there, so he doesn't share, not even with Wilson. The only thing we get as the audience is his dialogue to the corpse at the end of the episode.

This is also not something he shares with Wilson. Too much of a sensitive spot, too tender.

But all leading to my conclusion that... House didn't put the knife in the electrical socket for himself. As Wilson points out, House has had multiple near-death experiences. He doesn't need to almost die to find out what happens. He's already seen it. He already knows.

The character who has most recently displayed new depressive tendencies in this context isn't House. Wilson is the one refusing to discuss his mental health, ostensibly taking new psych drugs or minimally increasing the dosages, becoming uncomfortable with conversations about the difficult questions of suicide, and verbally defending a man's desire to die to end the mortal coil.

House didn't put the knife in the electrical socket to fight release for himself. He's been in chronic pain for a decade at this point, it hasn't changed, he has treated patients with self-destructive tendencies in the interim with no impact to his own mental health. This event didn't strike at a vulnerable time for House; it struck at a time when House knows Wilson is struggling, specifically when he has already tried to offer help and Wilson accused him of not caring. He had to do something.

House put the knife in the outlet to fight for Wilson. To have evidence, to talk him down. "See? I proved it. There's nothing. Now you know for sure. Now you have to stay with me."

That would be too saccharine. But he says, "I love you," and that's what he means.

[plasticflwrs]

⠀⠀   ⠀┈─ NOTHING NEW ⠀⠀／ ⠀⠀ an oliver song story ( 2022 ).

RACH. I wrote it when I was 19, and I've written a lot of other things since, and it's just... what if... what if that was the one... what if that was the one, best thing I'll ever do and I spend the rest of my life just getting worse and worse and drying up, uninspired, and I never become great. — The Prelude by Dave Malloy.

WORD COUNT. 3.2k words. WARNINGS / NOTES. Discussions of mental health symptoms related to general anxiety and major depressive episodes. (Passive) suicidal ideation. Alcohol mention. Originally published in 2023, but now featuring small changes of names and timeline ( rip minghui 😔 ).

“GOOD TO SEE YOU, OLIVER,” Yeonghui smiles as she lets Oliver into her office. “You never answered my text messages. I was worried about you.”

Oliver knows what Yeonghui is doing. 

She’s been worried about Oliver more recently as the bags under his eyes become more prominent and the schedule is more focused on going out with friends than actually writing their next album. This impromptu therapy session was not going to solve any of their current problems and he had other events to attend. Drinks with Rowan, Jiyeon, and old friends. A phone call with his mother. A real therapy appointment. 

Oliver is a busy person and finding a break in their hectic schedule was almost impossible. If the opportunity presented itself, he was going to take it. In reality, he never fully disconnected from his idol life. Always created new voice memos for new music, hid behind a mask so he wasn’t recognized, and appeared on the social media of his closest friends to get the band’s name out there. He liked to create a separation between his personal and professional life but the lines had blurred at the end of 2020.

He doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal.

He had written some of their discography before this album and the rest had been solely written by Salem before that. Yes, they had been missing for sixteen months, but, he was not the only member able to write music. Since he had returned from the states a few months ago, these meetings to discuss "music" (read: his personal life) had become more often. She was more open about her demands for a new album and Oliver was growing tired of it. He knew Salem had enough drafts to cover them for a few years at minimum, Jiyeon had showed him a few things, and even Junyeong of all people brought up a new drum line during their last practice.

Why was Yeonghui not calling them every day? He never understood her actions.

Oliver gives her a smile, the same that fans gushed about on Twitter and he had perfected over the years before speaking, “I’m fine. You know I’m allergic to my cellphone. I never answer anyone.”

“I’ve known you for almost seven years so I’m allowed to worry,” Yeonghui replies, keeping her voice even and her smile is tight-lipped, a sign of annoyance. She’s known amongst the artists for her quick temper. “Everybody is worried about you.”

“Everybody?” he questions. Oliver knows for certain that some people could care less about his health right now.

“Yes, everybody that’s important, which is your managers and myself. You know we have a comeback scheduled for the end of his quarter and I needed to know how that was going. There’s a lot riding on this, as you know.” 

Oliver leans back in the armchair and crosses his arms, defensively. “Have you asked Salem or JIyeon yet? They seemed… excited to run a project.”

She shakes her head and says, “we don’t want that. Plastic Flowers has been out of the public eye for ten months, so we need to retain any relevance from Teeth last year and that will only come from you."

“What if I don’t want to?” Oliver challenges and both of them are surprised by his attempts at talking back. 

“We can’t force you, of course,” Yeonghui says, leaning closer to Oliver. “But, I can cancel this album and make sure it looks like your fault. Junyeong and Salem are already upset, Jiyeon just sent us a lovely demo to compliment what you’ve already written, and Deurim's growing restless without any work. It would be very easy to recreate that outrage. Your choice, Oliver.”

He’s quiet for a few moments, remaining in that defensive position as she meets his stare directly. Oliver has always had an interesting relationship with his CEO and has never gone directly against her in their seven years of working together. He is a people pleaser at heart and at this moment, he wants to continue the fight against her but also knows that Yeonghui isn’t one to bluff. Sure, she’s prone to exaggerations to get her way nonetheless, she would find a way to twist these events in her favor and they both know that.

“Fine. I’ll send you some files later tonight.”

“Great. Why don’t we find some inspiration right now though? We have big plans for the promotion of this album,” she smiles, satisfied with winning the conversation, and opens her notebook to keep track. “So, how have your days been?”

First, he wakes up at eleven-forty-five. 

He pulls himself out of his bed and reluctantly puts on a new pair of clothes, brushing his hair of any knots before entering the living room. Salem gives him an annoyed look as she clears off the table from that morning’s breakfast. Junyeong is in the shower after his daily workout. Deurim doesn’t pay him any attention, she’s too focused on trying to learn all their old music from Minghui's poorly taken notes. Jiyeon is drinking her coffee and reading some book, pretending she doesn’t see him, but Oliver can see her eyes flicker around the room. She looks from the corner of her eyes to watch his every move like he was going to do something stupid if she didn’t.  

Oliver can’t find it in himself to care.

He wishes Jiyeon a good morning, the smile and light excitement in his voice not reaching any other part of his face. He’s never been that good of an actor. Jiyeon smiles back, small, and thanks him before returning to her book, leaving them in silence as the microwave hums. He wishes he could be better for her and provide their relationship with something indispensable. Instead, their days were spent inside his shared bedroom with Minghui and recounting the one-sided disagreements between the oldest members and Oliver in their debriefs. It was all they discussed recently and he wanted to bury those feelings of resentment. There was nothing Oliver could do to change their minds and he was not going to make the first move to repair their relationship. Salem had said enough during their last practice session. 

( She had gone on and on and on about how boring his latest composition was. It played too much into the tropes of the last two albums and whatever he released on Soundcloud. The fans were going to get bored and he could not handle their criticism as she could. The last single she had written performed at the same level as they did in 2019, right after his Superband appearance. It was Oliver that had given them popularity in the first place and she hated that. 

“Have you written anything yet?” he asks, not hiding his annoyance. That shuts her up and they return to working in silence, the only sounds coming from his pen scratching against paper and her acoustic guitar. He sighs and almost apologizes. Almost. )

Jiyeon is good friends to have, despite the lulls in their conversations these days. He knows it's his fault for that too. She provided feedback on his latest demos, offered to plan a celebration for his return to South Korea, and gave him enough time to melt into his bed after long meetings. She never rushed Oliver into hanging out and understood that he needed some time to himself. He needs to step up and be there for her. Invite her out or something, stop locking himself in his room. She deserved better friends than Oliver.

“Are you nervous about tonight?” Jiyeon asks, testing the waters of that day.

“Not really, um—” Oliver begins to answer as his phone rings in his pocket. Another missed call from his mother. The third of that day. He gives Jiyeon an apologetic look before slipping back into his bedroom to answer. “I’ll be right back.” She just nods and goes back to her book. 

“Hi mom,” he tries to sound happier and it almost works.  “How are you? Isn’t it like close to midnight back home?” 

His mother, despite the time difference, is ecstatic to hear from him. “Oh, Oliver,” she gushes. “I’ve missed you so much. I couldn’t sleep and wanted to see if you would pick up.”

Kathleen Suh is a wonderful mother and person, easily one of Oliver’s favorites. Until his step-father taught Oliver how to play the piano, he wanted to emulate her. He wanted to attend Harvard University, he wanted to study history, he wanted to have a family of his own, and he wanted to be happy. His mother accepted the idea of his debut easily, wishing him nothing but the best for those years of training. She would send him money for food, new sneakers, and anything that the company needed. Oliver was forced to just take it since she would not take no for an answer. Now, he does the same and plus some extra gifts for his family. Two weeks ago, his checking account showed a small dip as he provided Harry, his younger brother, with a new Macbook for his final years of high school.

She’s happy to hear from Oliver, unsurprisingly. It's been two full months since they’ve last spoken and Oliver covers it with an excuse about being busy with writing for their new album. She accepts it and they move on to a conversation about his siblings with Ivy’s recent engagement still being the talk of the town and Harry’s already joined the poetry club, making friends already. He’s glad to hear that they are happy and healthy. Maybe he should call them this weekend… Did they even want to hear from him, though? Oliver wasn’t sure. It had been months since he initiated contact and would not blame his siblings for ignoring his future attempts to reach out.

The call continues like this for almost an hour. They go through the important details that Oliver would have missed from the stateside and Oliver give her any information about Plastic Flowers. Its a nice change of pace compared to the rest of the week, which was spent dreadfully alone. Oliver is an introvert at heart, but having these catch up calls with his mother wasn’t the same as meeting friends. They could never drain him.

However, the tone changes for the worst.

“You know I’m proud of you, right?” she asks and any good feeling leaves his body at that moment.

 Oliver hates when she does this to him and closes his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. He gets it, really. Not hearing from their children would get anyone in a sentimental mood but Oliver hated discussing his current feelings with anyone and did not want to worry his mother. After a few moments, he answers, “I’m fine, mom. You don’t need to worry about me. I’ve just been busy preparing for this album,” A pause in the conversation. Neither of them speaks so Oliver ends the conversation there. “It’s late in Boston so I’m going to hang up now. I love you.” 

Before he ends their call, his mother bids him goodbye and tells him that she loves him too. A hand goes through his dark brown hair, recently fixed from the bleaching sessions of the year prior, and he sighs loudly, flopping onto his mattress. Oliver, for the thousandth time within two hours of being awake, wishes that he was a better person and most importantly, a better son. If he didn’t feel like this, his mother would not have to worry about him and life would be easier for everyone. 

Without him…

 Nevermind. 

Jiyeon don’t want him thinking like that anymore. ‘It’s not good for the band,’ Jiyeon had said a few months ago, sitting on the balcony with three bottles of white wine between them. They always ended up back there, like in the old days, where they felt on top of the world and like nothing could truly hurt them. The days before he realized the band’s relationship breaking down in front of him and along with the divide between his personal and public life. It has always been the three of them against the world with Salem and Junyeong drifting in and out, depending on their feelings toward the youngest members at the time.

He still remembers the celebrations that came with their first single to enter the top ten in the music charts. At the moment, it felt like things were changing for the better. Less glaring and more attempts at working together, the creation of 403 a few months later, and securing their first win.

It was going well… until it wasn’t.

And the world would turn without Oliver Song for a comeback. He was sure of it. It might not reach the same success as Salem indulged in a more niche audience and the general public was not her biggest fan these days, but that was okay with him. It was the company's problem and they would have to work hard to rectify that. If Yeonghui could turn the world against him, she could definitely change the public opinion of Salem in a matter of a few weeks. At the same time, the band might not survive without the input of Oliver as the public’s favorite member and the lead vocalist of Plastic Flowers. While Oliver could take himself from the equation, with the fanbase also divided between favorite members, showing a weakened lineup could spell disaster. Rumors would circulate and the world would stop turning and Oliver would be lost forever, with—

“Oliver? Are you okay? You’ve been in here for, like, three hours,” Deurim's voice interrupts his spiraling and she’s standing just outside of the doorframe with an odd look on her face. 

Glancing down at his phone, Oliver could have sworn it was only two in the afternoon last time he had checked and now it was nearing four, closer to the end of the day than the beginning and yet another day lost to his downward spiral. This had been happening a lot more lately, with days blending into nights and the inability to be in the moment. He was always stuck between the past and the future, there was no time to worry about the present and he could not stop moving even for a moment. There was always something to do, even if that was nothing in reality.

“God fucking—” Oliver swears as he sits up, all the blood rushing to his head, and goes to his closet. “I should have set an alarm. I’m going to be so late.”

Deurim watches as he stumbles around the room, pulling a sweater and a new pair of socks from his bedside table. “Late for what?” she asks.

“I have a meeting with Yeonghui in a few minutes. She’s having one of her moments about a new record, I just need to appease her for now. I’ll still make dinner later.”

“Are you sure you’re well enough to go? You look like shit, Oliver,” Deurim remarks. 

“What are you talking about?” It's at that exact moment that Oliver gets a closer look at himself in the mirror and pauses for a moment. “Oh. Well, that’s nothing a bit of makeup can’t fix. I’ll just put it on in the car, no big deal,” Oliver’s voice is quicker than normal as the nerves start to get too much and he offers his roommate what should be a smile. Things are suddenly moving miles per minute. “Reservation is for seven, right? I can meet you guys at the restaurant if she runs over time, I’ll keep you and Jiyeon updated, yeah?”

Oliver is not doing well and someone else had noticed. So much for not making anyone worry anymore.

Anyone could see that from miles away. He hasn’t only lost weight over the last few months, but the dark circles have grown, and much more affect his naturally bright appearance. Before this moment, he never had the chance to truly look at himself in the mirror but it seems that the reaction of not only Deurim but the small gasps from the makeup artists was warranted. Oliver isn’t sure when it all got this bad, but, he can fix it, no problem. Starting that night he would change his life for the better. More meals, a peaceful rest, and spending time with Jiyeon was first on the list. That would help him feel better. (Hopefully). 

Deurim nods, still looking uncomfortable. They both know stopping Oliver from going to this meeting would be near impossible, he hated missing tasks. “Sounds like a plan. Good luck with the meeting.”

In a few minutes, he is not only ready for the meeting but his plans for after. Their manager knocks on the door and Oliver and escorted to the Superbloom Media headquarters, just ten minutes down the road. The ride is quiet save for the soft lull of whatever song was currently going viral in South Korea and his manager taps the steering wheel to the beat to save them from complete silence. Oliver is thankful that he doesn’t ask many questions and just goes along with whatever the members were feeling to keep his job. At some points, Oliver thinks that the manager is looking at him before remembering that checking your mirrors is always an important safety measure, especially as he turns street corners.

They park in the artists-only lot, the third floor of the private parking garage and he is left to his own devices. The manager has to pick up something else for the members, something that Salem requested from the shop down the street and he wishes Oliver good luck. They both know that he would need it. 

That was Oliver’s day.

That had been Oliver’s day for the last three months and it seems like nothing will change. 

The only changes come from whatever plans are happening at the same time, guided through the motions by either his bandmates or manager. Nothing ever seemed to change and after a while, it all blended together. Yeonghui isn’t satisfied with his answer and she stopped writing a few minutes into his attempts at recounting his day.

“And, how long have you been like this?”

“Three months.”

She is silent for a moment. “That’s a long time.”

“I know.”

“What happened three months ago?” she asks, trying to get more information out of him. 

Oliver shrugs. “I’m not sure.”

[ribbitflings]

Hey, I know we don't know each other, but you seem to know a lot about the topic of seizures.

If it's not a bother, could I ask you a few questions about them?

Specifically about focal seizures/partial seizures.

What is a focal seizure like for you?

I've been having these episodes for as long as I can remember that I labeled dissociation for a long time, but recently have come to find out resemble focal seizures. A few triggers are bright flashing light, and being stressed out and tired at the same time. My vision gets blurry, a wave washes over my brain (dunno how else to describe it), I feel either so spaced out I don't have feelings, or I feel extremely fearful with a feeling a deja vu, I blink a lot and lick my lips, and sometimes my hand moves on its own in repeated motions. Usually lasts about two minutes, and leaves me feeling quite haggard for hours afterwards, I usually sleep after them if possible.

I'm going to try and get into a neuro soon but it's been driving me NUTS thinking about it. Does this sound like it could be a focal seizure to you? I haven't been able to talk to anyone with epilepsy about it, and I think doing so could be enlightening, like they'd know what questions to ask to tell the difference having been through a seizure themselves.

Thank you for your time, even if you don't reply. Have a nice day.

this sounds a lot like textbook TLE focals or a generalized absence, yes. depending on your doctor, you might be labelled as "easy" or it might seem suspicious because it's "too textbook."

i just came back from a follow up that went downhill because i happen to have mood changes associated with my biggest seizures, that also clear up after the events, so i turned down antidepressants since im not currently depressed and its a self solving issue, and i have an aura, postictal state, seizures during sleep, stereotypical posturing, bro has seen literal videos of the typical events, and the moment i mentioned any kind of mood change with bigger events, he immediately slapped the mental health label on it, is ready to stop my meds, and did not set up a follow up. he was positive the appointment before that i have TLE and where it was probably coming from and now he wants to slap the mental health label and not bother. i also happen to have life stressors, as does everyone else, mine may be more so since i have insane parents and in-laws, but yeah just be really careful of that. epilepsy is a very common neurological disorder, second to headaches, but when someone isnt willing to put in the work (this guy barely asks questions and did not know that one of my recent seizures was my fault for taking meds too late and happened during my sleep), they jump to statistically unlikely conclusions that are overtly sexist and can become extremely dangerous for the patient (such as pulling a patient off of necessary meds)

[cakesexuality]

Weight gain/loss (no specific numbers) discussion, vague mention of caloric intake, medication discussion, eating disorder discussion

I've been gaining weight and I know I'm not imagining it bc the scale reads higher

The only 2 other times I've been this weight have been when my ED was at its worst so my metabolism slowed down to conserve energy, and then again when I was at too high a dose of the wrong antipsychotic (and at first I thought I had PCOS which was causing weight gain -- turns out I don't have PCOS and it was just the Seroquel), so this is a sign to me that something is wrong

I was only able to lose the weight from those times bc I went into recovery so my body knew it would be getting consistent fuel and then bc I suddenly cut back on my dose one night, causing an episode that lasted for most of 2022

Even though I've been saying positive things about the medication, I think this weight gain from the last few months might be caused by Abilify, which is the AP least likely to cause these issues

My weight gain may also be from Alysena, which I've been saying good things about as well, and it's hard to tell bc I wasn't regularly weighing myself until very recently so it's hard to pinpoint when the weight gain began and I started Abilify not too long before starting Alysena so it's hard to say which drug is the problem

You guys were there when Latuda didn't pan out (despite being really good for my mood) bc I was getting tingling, burning, cramping, twitching, and hallucinations from it, so that's 3 for 3 APs I've tried that I'm not happy with

Someone in a mental health Discord told me to consider not taking APs anymore after reading what I had to say about this, bc they had a similar story, and I know lithium was a suggestion from the 2nd CAMH doctor and we haven't explored anticonvulsants very far (which weren't a suggestion from the CAMH doctor but I've tried Lyrica which caused an episode of some kind and I haven't tried any others) although idk how I would fare without an AP since I've been on them consistently since February of 2017 when I was having my big psychotic episode and any attempt to lower my dose beyond a certain threshold results in the resurfacing of symptoms like irritability, anxiety, and hallucinations

But there comes a few problems with asking a doctor about changing my medications to avoid weight gain

First problem is, when I gained all that weight from Seroquel and went to my nurse practitioner at the time, she insisted I was in relapse bc I said I was eating fewer than 2000 calories a day (which, at my height and activity level, is warranted even to just maintain weight... a bitch is 5'5" and sedentary), thought that I was lying about the scale reading higher (when she could have weighed me herself or asked a nurse to weigh me to make sure I was telling the truth), and said I needed a psychiatrist instead of any examination or labs to see if I had a physical ailment (bc again, I thought I had PCOS), so I'm afraid of that happening again -- although, this NP was really shitty at her job bc she wasn't willing to make sure I wouldn't go into anaphylaxis until I yelled and swore at her (something to the effect of "What the FUCK do Wellbutrin and depression have to do with my eyes being itchy and my nose being stuffy?!" and she jumped and gave a sort of "Oh, I guess youre right 😶" response and referred me to an allergist on the condition I also saw a psychiatrist, who I didn't go to see bc nobody can make me), and she had to leave the room to get out an entire book to flip through to DESPERATELY come up with the excuse of "your acne might get worse" when I pushed her to put me on Depo-Provera bc that was the only downside she could apparently find (news flash: my acne stayed the same the entire time I was on Depo)

Second problem is, like I said, it's hard to tell which medication this is from, so idk if I should ask the psychiatrist or the gynecologist or both

Third problem is, as I think I've said before, my GP is currently reluctantly in charge of my psych meds so she may not want to take me off Abilify herself and may make me wait until I see the psychiatrist, and I know she especially won't want to try me on lithium right before I'm handed off to the psychiatrist

Fourth problem is that I'm not seeing the GP until June, the psychiatrist until July, or the gynecologist until August, so it'll be a lot of simply waiting to be able to have this conversation with any prescribers

And I wouldn't be so concerned about gaining weight if it wasn't so physically uncomfortable for me to be this size

So that's where I'm at with my body and my medications 🤷‍♀️

[lunarfly-studios]

Mistletoe #2 for Kit

okay for some reason it's not letting me just copy/paste text so here

OKAY So I'm assuming this is for BMFM!Kit since that's the most recent one I've been posting about lately.

Short Answer: Yes.

Long Answer: It depends on your definition of 'friends'.

Lets be clear: In the universe of BMFM, after the stars and the planets aligned to work out a certain way, she became a billionaire overnight at age 20/21 with no warning. She already didn't really have friends before all this, except maybe for one (that I might need to design), and she wasn't anyone's favorite 'quiet art kid' in high school. After acquiring that much wealth, she had even fewer fans.

Because of A. Her circumstances helping to care for a very large family, B. Her own insecurity, and C. Her crippling anxiety and depression, even before she became rich, she was already extremely isolated and had little to no social life.

You would think after becoming rich, she'd have a million friends, ro at least acquaintances, but other than her household staff she inherited, she actually became even more isolated because she couldn't live with her family anymore. She had to relocate to a place she'd never been to, where she didn't know anyone. And the idea of trying to go out and make friends so soon after leaving the nest absolutely terrified her.

And fun fact about Kit: She's half Venusian, and Venusians can read minds. She tries not to because it's rude, but she's acutely aware of when people are genuinely being nice to her, kissing her ass for status or wealth, or kissing her ass out of fear of reprisal, and early on, it was almost consistently the latter two.

And that's not even getting into the fact that she has autism and ADHD, which can already make socializing and making friends hard.

It took her a while to take control of her estate, her company, and her life, but once she did, once she was more secure in her position in the company, her role in society, and the control and autonomy she had over her life, she very quickly became a social butterfly (no pun intended).

One of the things that's kept her as CEO this long, minus her sincere success, is her charm and charisma. She can get a read on what type of person someone is pretty quickly, whether by reading their mind or just studying their behavior. Cater to their interests and you've got anything from a friend to an acquaintance to an ally to a business colleague.

Of course only a handful of these actually qualify as 'friends'. There are a handful of other CEOs she's met that she just really hit it off with, but they were few and far between. A lot of wealthy elite businessmen and politicians are kinda passive aggressive towards her cause she has the audacity to not like it when her employees are living off food stamps.

She gets along very well with people in the media and culinary industries, though, mostly because they can sincerely connect over those passions.

The only people she could really consider CLOSE friends would be the three Biker Mice, Charley, Sisi, Li, Anastasia and Sabrina (that pre-rich friend i mentioned earlier that i need to design lol).

She's extremely good at building business connections and socializing with others, as draining as it is, but forging and maintaining strong, close connections is still like navigating a minefield for her. She's been burned by past friends and people she had crushes on in the past, so even after coming to like and trust most of these people, with the exception of Li and Sabrina, she keeps everyone at a certain emotional-arm's-length so to speak.

Fun to be around, kind, supportive, willing to listen and always wanting to help out? Absolutely. Letting someone close, letting others see her vulnerability, showing weakness around others, opening up to others... that's a rougher challenge.

In spite of the fact that she rationally knows all these people like her, deep down, she spends a good chunk of Season 1's episodes fully believing that her friends secretly resent her for her wealth and influence, and are just being nice about it. She's generally on edge, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It does after a while, but once that shoe drops and she gets assurance that "No, we don't hate you, you're a wonderful person and we love you", she slowly starts letting herself be vulnerable and opening up to others.

Maintaining relationships is hard for her, but she's grateful to find people who are willing to be patient and help her feel comfortable and safe.

...That said, she will absolutely crush anyone in 'biggest burp contests' even after just meeting them, she grew up in the south in a family of 14, you had to assert your dominance sOMEHOW.

[lorenlily]

AAAAAAAAHHHH ok

hi, feb anon here

you should 100% watch derry girls, it is so hilarious omg! as an irish/english person who is growing up in england, it is literally the funniest show i've watched recently! all three seasons are *chefs kiss* brilliant.

gilmore girls is also great! i do love rory and logan together, i just love logan in general. the more i watch the show, the more i come to think of him as rory's best love interest! you should defintly try it out! i won't say anymore on that so as not to spoil anything.

i am very frustrated rn because once upon a time has been taken off neflix and i don't have disney+ so i can't have the killian and emma content that i crave, but it's ok i'll find a way to watch their episodes :)!

my top three from rep are call it what you want, dress and getaway car

from evermore they are long story short, coney island feat the national and champagne problems (with special mention to evermore feat bon iver because i love it so much)

and from midnights it's paris, would've could've should've and labyrinth,

that was hard omg

i haven't read daisy jones and the six but i will have to check it out now that you've reccommended it, along with that fantasy series. i just bought shadow and bone, as i've seen a lot of love for the books and tv show so i'm gonna try and read that. have you read it? if so, what are your thoughts?

i am really excited for maisie peters second album, body better, to be released as i am obsessed with the lead single and love her music! i haven't listened to paramours album yet but i've been meaning to, same with gracie abram's discography. i'm gonna try to listen to all of gracies stuff before her next album release.

as for marvel, i used to like it a lot, but i think that was more because everyone else did and i wanted to feel included. now tho, the films just seem kinda lifeless. like there are so many filmos and tv shows being mass produced by them that none of it feels unique or authentic, and all the dialogue is just sarcastic and quick witted and kinda mean. idk, i'm just not really that into it anymore. i liked tom hollands spiderman films though, and i've been meaning to watch andrew garfields spiderman for a while.

and as you can see from this ridiculously long message i am a rambler too.

i don't really know what else to say about me, there's not a lot to tell. i like alice oseman and plants and taylor swift and most of my life centres around music and musicians and different media i enjoy.

umm, yeah, i wish i had more to say about me but there's just not really a lot.

what about you tho, any new medias or things coming out that you're excited for? anything interesting about yourself? any fun facts? i'm curious.

i hope you are having a lovely day and everything goes well and you have a nice time doing whatever you plan to do <3

hiiiiiiiii <3

yeah see marvel movies are mostly alright and very surface level but honestly they messed a lot of things up with endgame that it's made me lose the love i had for some movies. i've always loved the ant man movie and fantastic four is literally the only other project i'm excited for. I hate how they cancelled great shows so only disney+ shows remain and now everytime I watch something i just think about the potential they had lmao i could rant on it all day long....

toms movies are okay but nwh is the only goood one for me and i love the amazing spiderman movies the most!!

oh maisie i liked the music she made for the trying soundtrack (idk what the show is i haven't watched it) and i love songs her eps especially the list and daydreams and adore you and details. her album i only really loved and listen to outdoor pool and volcano but body better!!!! omg I love it so much and I'm excited for her new album I really love this sound

difficult has become my favourite gracie song so i'm excited for the new album and i really love how she's got great bops and really depressing songs (which aren't boring for me to listen to)

ouat is so good even when it's bad lol and it's annoying it got taken off netflix! derry girls i've been meaning to watch and it sounds so good!! lol gilmore girls got spoiled for me which idm i don't think i would've watched it but honestly my dash is mostly rogan shippers and i'd say they're correct too

djats i liked the style of the book and its inspired by fleetwood mac and the civil wars (both artists i've never listened to lol) and the band is supposed to be 70s rock which i have no idea what that sounds like so I'm excited for the music but from all the promo they clearly have changed some scenes from the book which kinda made me less excited but i'm still gonna watch it i just think the discourse about "ships" when it's released is going to be inssuferable lol i think mostly i'm excited to expand on a few of the side characters storylines more

i think like majority people i prefer the six of crows duology to the shadow and bone trilogy (its not bad just the other one is sooo good) and honestly the shows okay but the things i've heard about season 2 like joining both book 2+3 for the plot of the second season i'm just so confused about the direction but it's not long till it's released now (literally everything is releasing in march lol)

now onto taylor! your top 3s are so superior omg!!!! the coney island and labyrinth appreciation! you're literally after my heart!!! what rerecordings are you most excited for? do you have any unreleased tracks you would really like on some of the vaults!! the two lover tracks omg those snippets are soooo goood i really really want them released!!!!!

well now i've thought about it there's actually a lot of things i'm excited for this year!! creed 3 is coming out next month i love those movies! and john wick 4! across the spiderverse looks absolutely incredible! apparently there's a new insidious movie coming out this year (it's my comfort horror series lol) hafsah faizals new book a tempest of tea which is pitched as king arthur meets peaky blinders with vampires!!!!!!! it's alll the things i love! and it's the one book i'm most excited for!! speaking of peaky blinders the movie is filming this year and any behind the scenes crumbs i'm so ready for!! the pjo tv show its looking like its not going to coming out until next year but I'm anticipating at least a trailer since filming has ended and we're getting a new pjo book with percy, annabeth and grover again as well as the solangelo book called the sun and the star! also the little mermaid movie she's absolutely going to kill it!! and is it wishful thinking to say speak now tv (which my dream release date of this year would be september 1st! it's a friday 🙏) and so many other things but this message is getting very long lol

honestly same! i'm literally made up of the media's i consume lol my life is pretty boring and all i've done this year so far is get job rejections and get ill lmao but the biggest source of comfort in my life is my nephew's who i look after almost every weekend :)

and i guess another little thing about me is my dream would be to write a book i have so many ideas in my head but o can't seem to get them on paper, even just practising writing a scene i find hard to do. i think at most i just want to learn how to write. i don't even think it'd go anywhere like i don't think anything will be ready to publish or whatever but just for myself i think it'd help free up my mind if i got my ideas out of my head and fully thought out and wrote a book. what about you? what's your dream job or passion? is there anything new you're trying out or want to? anything you'd want to go back and revisit?

[rrelationshipadvice]

Hi, weird phrasing on this one probably, also apologies for the length.

I'm not sure what to do about my current relationship. We're long distance, both early-mid 20s (I'm tmasc, theyre nb) with litanies of issues that I (mostly) won't name that do affect how we act and react.

(I will mention that I have BPD, OSDD, and trust issues due to repeated past traumas because they come up later. I am trying to work on them, but not with a therapist. I can't afford one right now. I've had therapists in the past though, and am mostly working off what I can remember of their advice and worksheets and any other tips I can find to try and help.)

Very long preface out of the way, I often feel like I'm not good enough for my partner or tgat our relationship is bad for them, but they refuse to entertain the thought, or even the topic whenever I try to bring it up.

If I'm manic I tend to get really irritable to the point where even the most minor things like off key whistling or small noises or changing topics to sonething I'm not interested in will tick me off (I never voice these thoughts to them, or anybody, but I worry they can tell).

If I'm depressive I feel like I get unbearable with how much support I need. My partner has said that they don't mind it and that they like feeling helpful but I've accidentally stumbled upon them talking to one of my alters and saying the angst and worsened self esteem and splitting (in the BPD sense) during episodes frustrates them. I honestly can't blame them for it, even if it hurt that they didn't tell me about it to my face.

Every time we went on break/broke up in the past it's been horrible for both our mental health due to both it and other circumstances around those times, and my partner isn't keen on a repeat.

After our most recent break up, long before we got back together, they'd asked me if I saw them as a person or as a crutch and it stuck with me and only made my own worries about whether our relationship was good for us or not worsen. I do my best to handle my issues on my own, sometimes venting to them if I feel I need the emotional support. They can tell I hold things back though and they say it makes them feel like I don't trust them, when they're the only person I feel like I do trust, especially compared to everyone else.

Again, reiterating, I'm not sure what to do. I do love them deeply, and they fully reciprocate, but I can't tell if it's the disorders talking whenever I end up thinking we should see other people, so I'm here to ask for a second opinion.

.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw domestic abuse, sexual assault, suicide, self harm and eating disorder mentions (those last two not in detail, just mentioned)

Nickname: turquoise

Looking for advice, either on how to get out or just come to terms with this being the rest of my life, either way.

So I have a situation kind of similar to this ask posted just now.

https://www.tumblr.com/traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors/712807834009665536/tw-romantic-partner-violence-hey-so-ive-known

I've been with my wife for seven years now. A lot of her issues come from childhood trauma, but it's just...been wearing me down lately. Nearly from the start there were emotional issues between us, and physical violence and one sexual assault within the first six months (she said I agreed to let her do stuff while I was asleep but I don't remember that, and either way she didn't stop when I asked her to). I'm honestly not sure why I stayed but that's neither here nor there. Maybe I kept thinking it would get better but it didn't and at a lot of points I was genuinely scared for my safety, especially since the one time I did try to leave she found me in under a day and the friend I'd run away to decided I should go back home with her since, in her words 'well, you are kind of a bitch'. Anyway, there would be times when things got better but they'd always get bad again. We're in one of the better periods, though recently there's still been a lot of emotional stuff, some minor physical stuff (only small bruises and no lingering pain) and two sexual assaults last week. Still, things have definitely tapered off from a couple years ago, and she has been putting in more effort to be nicer, so if nothing else it's been a while since I've been balled up on the floor trying to be a small target so that's something. Still, as much as I should be happy about that I just...honestly I feel like shit a lot of the time, and I can't seem to stop being on edge no matter what happens, even though she gets mad at me whenever she notices that.

Also over the past two years she's developed significant anxiety, to the point where even after being on meds and in therapy for over a year she says she can't work.. We have no income now and I have a lot of my own mental difficulties that have made jobs difficult for me for most of my life (not self dxing, but likely autism and ADHD and a PD that have never been treated, along with a lot of past trauma from her and people before her, that's she's sometimes triggered on purpose or been dismissive of, though she is trying to stop that), but more difficult since I met her, especially since I've spent the past year at least in one of the worst depressive episodes I've had in my life, with my self harm and eating disorder getting worse again (both of which she knows about and does not respond well to at all), to the point that I'm pretty much always passively suicidal and have attempted a few times. At the very least I'm out of the bout of drinking I dealt with for a few months. I'm not outlining this to make anyone feel bad for me, just to point out that a full time work week, especially in the kinds of fast paced, people centric jobs I could reasonably get, would be very difficult for me to handle at this point. I've asked her if we could both work part time, since I thought a few days a week for each of us would be easier to handle, and at first she said yes but now she's flat out refusing, saying that since she supported us for a while she deserves a long break too, completely glossing over how often she hit me during that time and how generally shit she made me feel every day, or the fact that the abuse didn't stop when I went back to work, or that the circumstances that led to it being best for only her to work in that time were out of our control.

Basically, I want to leave. Ideally I'd just leave her, but she says she can't survive without my support, and that she'll kill herself if I actually go. I don't know if that's true or not but I don't want to find out the hard way, but I also know I can't handle both working full time and taking care of her full time (she refuses to do anything at home or to manage and organize our lives either, sometimes to the point of yanking me out of bed after only a few hours of sleep to make her food even though she is able to cook, arguably better than me).

Im basically never happy, and I want to leave but I can't, not with the way she is mentally now, not with what she might do, especially since the only person I know she could go to is her mother, who wouldn't be accepting of her being trans which isn't something I want to put her through. I've been thinking of asking a friend or relative of mine (what few I have left after she isolated me for so long, since I can't drive and for years she's been in charge of if I leave the house or not, which she rarely lets me do), to let me stay with them during the work week, since it would be easier to find and keep a job that way. I'd have limited contact with my wife, only seeing her on the weekends and preferably not talking much during the week, but still with me supporting both of us.

I don't know if she'd go for this, or even how to ask, but I know I can't handle dealing with both work and her and my own issues at the same time. I've tried to say this a bit and she's said I'm just being whiny and lazy, so I just don't know what to do or how to fully broach the subject, but I'm just so scared for the future between us in general.

I'm sorry this was a long post my thoughts are just not organized sometimes. Thank you for everything you do.

Amendment from turquoise. Abuse mention.

I just really wanted to clarify that I don't want anything I said about my wife to be attributed to the fact that she's trans. I don't think any of the mods of this blog would do that, but I just worry that others would, or that it came across as me saying her abuse and her gender are somehow connected but I swear I don't think they are and if anything came across that way I never meant for it to. I know most trans people don't hurt others (not to mention I'm trans myself but that just didn't seem relevant, still not sure if it is here)

Basically I just hope I didn't paint an entire group in a bad light and I really didn't mean to if I did sorry I was just worried about that.

Hi turquoise,

I'm so sorry about what's been going on. Also, I wouldn't worry about potentially coming off as transphobic, I don't get that vibe at all and I see what you mean to say quite clearly.

Just because the abuse has been tapering off doesn't mean you should tolerate it. Being assaulted violates your boundaries, and it's important to respect and assert them. Just because it's tapering off doesn't mean you're supposed to be happy in this relationship. It makes absolute sense why you still feel like shit. You're on edge because you may have developed trauma responses and you're around someone who your brain has been conditioned to perceive as a threat.

Emotional availability is essential for the longevity of a relationship. For your partner to not be there for you or respond well to depressive episodes or even suicidal thoughts is definitely a problem. I feel like if she truly cared about you she would make a better effort to be there for you, especially when you're contemplating suicide.

It sounds like your partner is refusing to share the responsibility of any productive or reproductive labor, which puts unnecessary stress on you. Just because she's been working doesn't mean you have to do everything. Most people just continue working without breaks, you know? So how is it fair for her to refuse to work when that means no income? It would make more sense if she was overwhelmed with burdens, but she really has pushed virtually every responsibility of hers onto you and is expecting you to be absolutely fine with that.

It seems like you've tried communicating with her but she's given you a hard time. If it is safe to do so, it may be helpful to simply assert a boundary such as "I feel x when you do y. If you continue to treat me this way, this isn't going to work." Just letting her know where things stand may be helpful in terms of communication, but if this would be unsafe to do, then it may be best to simply leave without warning.

Like I said in the other ask, if she is going to choose to mistreat you then it is your right to leave if necessary. It's a hard decision though of course, because you don't want her to go back to her abusers, but really, that's not your problem. If you need to leave then you need to leave, where she goes is not really for you to worry about. It's important to assert your boundaries and put your foot down when you've had enough, even if it doesn't benefit everyone.

Abusers often block the exit in various ways, and that can include threatening suicide. Please know that it is manipulative for someone to blame suicide or self harm on someone else. It is your right to leave when you want or need to. Your partner's actions are her responsibility alone. Breaking up does not hold you liable to what your partner chooses to do as a result.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[mlobsters]

supernatural s15e6 golden time (w. meredith glynn)

again the big blowup between cas and dean in the recap, we gonna actually see him this time?

i was getting all dubious over the witch breaking in and tossing rowena's apartment so, glad they had whatever hex-y business kill her eventually :p

little mini aw moment that cas is going by clarence. rip meg

conflicted that they brought back eileen. really disliked how unceremoniously they killed her off to begin with (slash at all). this is the problem with this show, they rack up all these recurring characters and hey we can't keep them all around so we gotta clear the decks sometimes and the good ones get chopped along with the meh ones

and she was in hell? buh. ok.

(wiki)

Dean tells Eileen that she can't go to Heaven because she has been in Hell, mentioning how Kevin Tran recently found this out. Belphegor told Dean and Sam in 15.02 Raising Hell that souls that had been to Hell could not get into Heaven. When Sam and Dean pointed out that John Winchester and Bobby Singer had been in Hell and then went to Heaven, Belphegor concluded that it was because God had intervened due to liking the Winchesters back then.

no surprise here but calling this dumbass edgelord whump shit :p add some new random/cruel rules for no reason other than causing hurt and conflict now

SAM All right, look, if it's what Eileen wants, then... Maybe we can go to Rowena's place and look for a crystal, or something. I've been meaning to go there anyways after, uh... You know. DEAN Great. Do that. SAM Wait, wait. You're not coming with? DEAN It's a milk run. SAM You're... You know what, Dean, ever since God got back, you've been acting like there's nothing we can do, like nothing matters, but we can do this. Man, this matters. DEAN And that's why you're gonna kick it in the ass.

so dean's depressed and being an ass again, just slightly friendlier version i guess

ha, jennifer spence again! i recognized her from a very small part in the killing when she was in 7x14. cas is gonna work a case, i guess

ah, so also another reason to have dean bail on the trip, so sam and eileen can have some alone time

SAM Yeah. I've been there, too... uh, Hell. A long time ago. You try and forget, but it gets inside you. Talking helps. EILEEN I can't. Not yet.

a) so who did/does sam talk to hell about? b) can't help but think that not yet - when, because sounds like she doesn't have much time

so i guess really no other hunters working in the bunker anymore. which i mean, preferable. but :p

CASTIEL Hello? DEAN Cas. Sam's been trying to call you. CASTIEL I know. DEAN Did you check his messages? CASTIEL Nope. DEAN Right. Smart. Why would you? Look, I don't know if you care or not, but, uh... God... Chuck... is back on the board, so watch yourself. And check your damn messages.

10/10 for castiel grumpiness

very cute

ok, so bringing eileen back via spell making her flesh that rowena was working on. sure why not

and sam got hexxed too

ha, and keegan conner tracy who was a recurring character on the magicians who also has been on the show before (2x07 and 4x18), and as a witch -- and! jodelle ferland who i knew from dark matter and twilight eclipse was in 1x19

they seem to be bringing back a lot of actors who were in small parts in prior episodes, but usually i don't notice because i didn't know them from elsewhere. just funny that there's 3 actors this episode that i did a hey i know you post on

EMILY I yelled at her, and she turned my tongue into a snake. I still have the scars where it bit me.

lol what even. since the super special spell is like, special because it works without a body why does this other witch even need it. got a body, just rehousing the soul, no? whateverrr

here i was thinking cool, a jay gruska episode and i haven't complained about the music once! but i think mostly because it's been standard music that i don't particularly like but i know is part of the standard repertoire. but alas, this dumbass showdown of witches/ghosts/hunters in the hallway came with some dumbass music :p

MELLY But now you're leaving. CASTIEL Yeah. If I stay, nothing changes. It's time for me to get back in the game.

cas learned his little it feels good to be helping people lesson so he can go make up with the guys?

very fancy bath situation they got there

well all right then

SAM She, uh... She's asleep. She had a big day. DEAN Well, so did you. Hex bags. New body. So, what, are you some kind of witch now? SAM Nah, I got lucky. DEAN Yeah. I just wish we knew about that spell for Mom. You did good today, man. I did jack. SAM You killed a witch, saved my ass. DEAN Yeah, I guess so.

that spell was way less dramatic than the one rowena did in the field trying to bring back mary. listen dean, if you don't wanna feel bad about not helping enough, then help more :p

SAM You know what, I've been thinking about something you said, about how we don't make the rules, and you're right. We don't. We never have. But that doesn't mean we can just give up. DEAN Oh, come on, man. SAM We have moves to make here, Dean. We do. I mean, you think Chuck wanted me to shoot him? Of course not. DEAN You sure about that? Maybe that was part of the plan, you know? That's the thing, man. I don't know what's God and what isn't, and it's driving me crazy. SAM All I'm saying is we'll find a way to beat him. We will. I don't know how yet, but we will 'cause we're the guys who break the rules. But I can't do it without you. I can't. Just like I couldn't do it today without you. I need my brother.

his disillusionment with feeling like no matter what they do, it's rigged is definitely understandable. but there's no resisting when sam saying he needs him

curious where they're gonna go with eileen, since they set that up as a little bit of a beginning love interest thing with sam before axing her before

[yors-truly]

[REPOSTING because I found the right version in my drafts]

I don't know how well received this'll be but I'm suddenly very compelled to reach out.

As of recently, I've been pretty down in the dumps about this passion project of mine, wondering if the changes I've been making are necessary, how effective things come across, etc. As a solution to finding out if I'm on the right track or not, I would like to reach out for some aid!

Beyond Time and Space is looking for feedback!

IT'S A JOURNEY - A RACE - BEYOND TIME AND SPACE. When an often-flighty young girl is conflicted by her desire to express her capabilities and her fear of doing more than what she can handle, the moment arises when a team of brave individuals are needed to carry out a quest to explore and gather information on alternate universes. However, the drive of another blocks their path in reigning successful; so much so, the team is left to go on a journey that’s much longer than they wished.

Beyond Time and Space is a character-driven sci-fi fantasy portal world story, targeting an adolescent/YA audience. The story is written in screenplay format, as I have the slightly ambitious intention of this becoming an animated series in the near-or-far future.

If you're a fan of narratives consisting of fantasy worlds, finding understanding and tolerance, a majority queer and/or neurodivergent main cast, characters exploring and adapting to the unknown, and finding courage and acting with bravery despite what the characters tell themselves, then please consider!

More info and sign-up form under the cut...

GENRE: SFF (sci-fi fantasy), portal world/portal fantasy, adventure

THEMES: courage and bravery (main), hope, coming of age, friends and family, love (and letting it go), power (and the lack thereof), loyalty and commitment.

CONTENT WARNINGS: fantasy violence, metaphorical and literal displays of mental health topics (depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc.), mentions of war, character death/harm, discrimination, fictitious religions/practices and beliefs that highly resemble real life religions.

POV: past tense, Multi-POV, 3rd person.

SCHEDULE: Nothing set in stone as of now, as (1) the story is still a WIP and (2) my family is currently in the process of moving (plus I understand that life gets in the way of things all the time), but I'm thinking between May 20th to June 1st for sign-ups, and the entire month of June for reading, according to how things are looking over here, though if extensions are needed for any and every reason, I'll be willing to comply. The plan is to start this first round with just the first episode (currently around 8k words - 53 pages).

REQUIREMENTS: A list of requirements follows:

The ability to read (have it be with your eyes or with a screen reader);

Though please note: my experience has told me that there may be errors with TTS when it comes to translating scripts, so if need be I can find a way to reformat things so it'll translate better.

Availability at any point within the time frame (the month of June);

Filling out the form linked below.

As noted before, the game plan is to send off the script to the first episode once line edits are completed and May 20th comes around (news flash: they are!). While the script itself is a PDF, I can totally convert it to a Word or Google doc according to personal preferences (which you can select in the forum). You're also free to stop and opt out whenever you like, if the experience isn't suiting your fancy :) So long as you let me know, obviously.

I'll be sure to add another form with the script itself that'll ask specific questions and allow you to elaborate on any thoughts you might've had while reading. Mainly looking for pacing, narrative consistency, characterization and if their motives/desires are clear, things along that line. I'm willing to be flexible, though, so anything extra you want to bring up will also be looked at and listened to!

Also, forgot to mention, but I would love to be open to beta reading in exchange around the same time frame these go out! I will admit, I don't have a lot of experience myself - in fact I'm just starting with the first book I've volunteered for - but if you'd like someone who's a casual reader to look at your work for free, keep me in your subspace and don't hesitate to hit me up!

LINKS: All to the form itself (CLOSED UNTIL MAY 20TH), the Beyond Time and Space sideblog (with the intro post pinned), and my main blog are here!

Thanks to anyone and everyone who reads this, signs up, and/or boosts this post! Taking this step is a really big deal for me right now, and while all of the possibilities plus my project being undone makes me a little nervous, I'm hoping that maybe this'll give me the opportunity I need to grow, and you the opportunity to gather some experience!

If you have any questions ever about anything, please let me know! I know I probably missed a few important details here or there, as this is my first time hooking up one of these. Apologies!

[myershorror]

Tags: ranting, depression mentioned, death mentioned.

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Still struggling slightly with my depression, even after celebrating my first Christmas without my mom (she passed away last June), and knowing that I have been replaced.

My writing partner and best friend has recently found someone else to help them with their own fanfiction ideas; despite me being there whenever they needed help deciding on a plot angle, to bounce an idea off of me for clarification and such, or answer questions for which character gets what for Christmas, etc.

Not to mention that I've helped with the sorting of BILLIONS of screenshots they have found for motivation to write, for plot direction, or just random things to copy into fanfictions but about eighty percent of the time; it's just a waste of time spent not on writing but sorting through pictures for hours.

*cough cough* They sort these photos by season or breakdown of every single episode/character/character ship, focusing on the My Hero Academia series at the moment. *cough cough*

All before they complain that they ran out of space on their electronics in order for them to function normally, just to transfer all these damn screenshots to a laptop; just to continue making files for more random images of screenshots to sort through.

I'm not bitching but I can only help sort through photos for maybe an hour at most before a killer headache renders me useless for the rest of the day, so; I'm sorry but I have stopped helping with that since I have a deadline to meet for three of my biggest fanfictions coming up pretty-ish soon and can't afford to take breaks.

So, in conclusion, I believe that I'd be pretty much walking into 2023 alone 'cause I can't deal with too much from people and their drama. I have too much on my plate already and I'm just gonna stick to myself instead of trying to mend friendships. Cause if they were true, they'd stick around and help me whichever way they could through this hard, depressing time.

[winchester-reload]

hey there, i recently discovered your blog and i fell in love with your artstyle ITS SO GORGEOUS (i couldn't resist, i had to buy some artprints from your redbubble)

you might have answered this before and its kind of a random question but i was wondering what is your favorite destiel moment in the show (or like your top 5 if choosing one is too hard)

have a nice day and thank you for blessing my eyes with your amazing art! :D

Thank you so much, anon! I'll never not be humbled and grateful to hear that someone wants to hang my art up in their home. I hope those prints bring you all the joy you deserve and more.

Your question got me thinking, though. First, I'm realizing I need to do a full series rewatch because I know there are destiel moments I can't think of right now while I sit here Cas-squinting at my screen. And honestly, I haven't watched the show since it ended, so my recall ain't so great at this point. However, there is one exception to that, which actually leads me to my answer--

My hands-down, favorite destiel moment/episode has gotta be Tombstone. It's the kind of domestic, wholesome destiel content that I live for. Seeing Dean come so abruptly out of his crippling depression to play cowboys with his best friend, grumpily ask Cas to make him coffee, Cas lovingly doing it then waiting for him to drink it in his most impatiently patient "I love this asshole so much what is wrong with me" kind of way, only to then sit in the car together talking about one of Dean's favorite movies where Cas then quotes Doc Holliday's most memorable lines, nearly giving Dean an aneurysm is, quite simply, perfection. I could live in that sequence forever (and sometimes I try to!). Not to mention the heavy Romeo and Juliet Star-crossed lovers imagery bringing us in at the start of the episode.

It stands as the only full episode I've watched post-series, and I do put it on quite often. (Is that weird? Don't answer that.)

But, there are obviously gonna be otherDean/Cas moments that hit differently for different reasons and therefore are my favorite because of that variable X (Cas' beautiful confession, for example), but I feel pretty confident in saying my go-to happy place will always be Tombstone.

Thank you for your question, anon!!

[witheringvoice]

Grief - A Poem

Before I get into this, I decided to play my moody mix on Spotify to write this poem, right? WHY THE FUCK DID MASK PLAY???? It's so funny but still makes me want to cry---I don't get life sometimes...

TW: Mentions of attempted suicide, mentions of suicide, mentions of sh, mentions of deaths, funerals, mentions of cancer, mentions of guns, mentions of alcohol and pills, etc

I've never truly been able to experience it.

You see, family of mine has died.

Ones that I was very close to.

When I was little.

When my great grandfather died when I was in second grade.

He died of cancer.

When I was little, I was really close to him.

I know I was.

But in second grade, I barely recalled those memories.

I went to his funeral, and I even saw him.

I don't remember what he looked like.

But I didn't feel much.

Two years later I stared at the clouds and cried for him.

I don't know why, to this day.

The rain fell that day.

September 2017, beginning of fourth grade.

Someone who could've become my father.

Shot himself.

He wasn't in the right state of mind.

Anti-depressants and alcohol don't mix well.

That night, that early morning of the 17th.

Was traumatic.

Though, I only heard about him doing so on the radio.

We were in a cop car.

I did cry, I did feel broken.

But quickly I put on a happy front.

I told people about the incident.

I was trying to make myself know it was real I think.

But I must've seemed so apathetic.

I'm still not over that, but I don't think of it much.

During September, around the 16th and 17th, I get upset.

Last year, I think.

Seventh grade, 2021.

My great grandma died.

A heart attack.

A different side of the family.

My grandmother's side, not my grandfather's.

I barely remembered her.

I remember the walk to her place.

I slightly remember the old folk's home.

I remember the smell.

I remember rice crispies.

I don't remember her well.

I didn't feel much, toward her death.

But I know it affected me.

Why didn't I cry for her?

My sister attempted suicide multiple times.

It hurt, I never took it well.

I lashed out at her.

I will never forgive myself for that.

But she isn't dead yet, I'll make up for it.

Technoblade died of cancer.

It hurt, but it didn't.

I felt sorrow, I broke down, I cried.

A depressive episode was triggered.

I drew something to pay respects.

But I didn't truly know him.

Even so, I still cared for him.

Because he helped me when I was sad and lost.

Did I grieve then?

Am I still?

It still makes me sad sometimes.

But at the same time, it doesn't.

Is that bad?

One of my best friends, his friend died recently.

Suicide, how do I help him?

I don't know what it truly feels like.

I have no words that can help him.

But I want to, even if it's useless.

Today he messaged me out of the blue.

"I'm sorry."

My heart stopped, tears pooled in my eyes.

Is this it?

I started grieving like I lost him.

What if he did something?

I'd never be mad, never disappointed, just hurt.

Without him, I'd feel so lost.

He relapsed, he cut again.

Relief and sorrow rushed over me at once.

I did my best, my useless words.

I love him, my best friend.

If he died, I would never forgive myself.

I'd forgive him immediately.

Why do I still feel like I've lost something?

He's alive and well, he's okay.

I'm okay, everything is okay.

What will happen the day I need to do it?

I've gotten close for family pets, for people I barely knew, for family, for people who inspired me.

But when the time comes, I know I won't know how.

I don't understand it, after all.

Grief.

[impalementation]

Hey I wanted to get your opinion on something I've been thinking about for a little while: For me, I see Buffy's jump from the tower in "The Gift" as (partially) an act of suicide as a result of years of trauma but also IMO guilt that she "lives with every day"(courtesy of "Phases") from all of that trauma that she feels like she should've been able to control: Angel's loss of his soul, Jenny Calendar's death etc. but I wish we could've gotten to see more of how that guilt has affected her (1/2)

(2/2) And by that I mean if we had more references to Dr. Gregory and how she liked him or saw Buffy grappling with her complicated grief for Ford, or if season 3 showed her grief for Kendra and how that might've affected her relationship to Faith. All of that just to ask: do you think the show did a good job of portraying Buffy's guilt and trauma from the losses and tragedies she's faced?

i’ll be honest, i don’t actually subscribe to the read of buffy’s sacrifice in “the gift” as suicide. so that’s going to color how i reply. she is, obviously, killing herself. and i know that there’s the context of spike’s death wish speech and buffy saying “i don’t know how to live in the world if these are the choices.” but personally, i think that buffy’s sacrifice is clearly meant to be heroic. i talked in a recent post about how the white light signals that, as well as the fact that it’s contrasted with ben’s cowardly decision to choose himself over dawn when faced with buffy’s same choice. there’s also the fact that dawn is life, or buffy’s youth, or any number of positive things, and her request that dawn “be brave” and “live” is about wanting that life to go on. most importantly, the show as a whole is so hard-line anti-suicide, that it just doesn’t really make sense to me that this scene that is clearly meant to be a positive, heroic (even if tragic for the audience) moment for buffy would be intended to be read as an act of suicide. like i mention in that post i linked, we even have the contrasting example of buffy in “dead things” for what it looks like when buffy is trying to figuratively sacrifice herself out of guilt. and the show doesn’t frame her actions in that episode as positive at all. (sympathetic, absolutely. but not really the “right” thing to do either.)

keep in mind that when spike says that “sooner or later” buffy’s “going to want” death, he has been unreliably narrating all evening. when buffy jumps, i don’t see her as fulfilling spike’s prediction straight. i see her as fulfilling it ironically, like a prophecy that comes to pass in the letter but not the spirit. in that moment, buffy does technically want kill herself, but not to die, or for any of the reasons spike gave. she wants to do it because it means that her sister gets to live. and she has been terrified all season that this would not be possible. similarly, when buffy says “she doesn’t know how to live in this world” i don’t see it as much about buffy not wanting to live but about buffy not wanting to live in this world. as in, the problem is the world. but when she jumps from the tower, she’s figured out a choice that she is finally content with (“tell giles i’ve figured it out”). a choice that allows dawn, and all of her friends, to keep (a) living, and (b) in this world. in other words, it’s a moment decidedly in favor of life.

symbolically, there’s also the fact that buffy’s leap into the portal is (in my read) about her leaping into the portal of adulthood. and then season six about the rude awakening of realizing that adulthood isn’t just about a single easy leap. which means that her death isn’t really about literal death. it’s about leaving childhood behind. which is sad and painful in its way, but still ultimately something that the show thinks is good and important and even heroic to do.

however. that said. i do think the show addresses some of what you’re talking about. if you’re looking for a season that’s about buffy’s accumulated guilt over her inability to save people, i think the season you’re actually looking for is season seven. season seven puts buffy in a pressure cooker where over and over she’s confronted with the fact that she can’t save everyone. “lessons” has dead spirits come to life who taunt her for not saving them:

BUFFY: Dawn? I'm close by.

DEAD JANITOR: Too late. But then, you're always too late, aren't you? Sure as hell didn't save me.

“help” has buffy trying to save cassie, who dies no matter how much buffy tries to fight it. “selfless” revisits buffy’s history of having to kill angel, and any other friend who becomes evil. “conversations with dead people” forces buffy to kill a former classmate/temporary confidant (shades of having to kill ford in “lie to me”). “sleeper” puts buffy in the position of potentially having to kill spike too, and when he gets kidnapped she may or may not be able to save him. when the ubervamp shows up, buffy’s ability to protect the potentials gets thrown into question. and that uncertainly only becomes more intense as the season goes on. obviously, season seven doesn’t really address much in the way of specific past trauma or guilt for buffy. it doesn’t reference those people you reference. but it does absolutely address the way that being the slayer has put buffy in this awful position where people are always dying, and it feels like her fault—sometimes because she literally has to kill them. which the season does because it’s trying to show that the solitary slayer mantle is a messed up, unjust system. it’s messed up that buffy should have to shoulder this guilt, especially alone.

so i mean, on the whole, yeah. i think the show does gloss over a lot of specific traumas. but in other ways it really doesn’t. "when she was bad” and “anne” and early season three clearly address how the end of the previous season affected buffy. and i don’t think it can be understated how insane it is that the show had buffy be depressed for literally an entire season. and even before that, buffy’s grief over joyce informs the back half of season five. i think it’s also clearly established that buffy represses like crazy, so it’s actually quite in-character to me that most of the time she glosses over the things that are hard for her--except those times when it cracks open. could the show have shown more? yeah, probably. and probably some of what it decided to show was affected by biases about what the writers thought of as important, or them just not wanting to be doom and gloom all the time. but on the whole what the show did show mostly worked for me.

this is all me though, of course! if you feel differently, that’s completely understandable, and definitely don’t let me stop you.